#like there have been other wild fires that people claimed lasers caused

[spock-smokes-weed]

I honestly have no idea what’s going on on tiktok or the greater internet at large, but I overheard one of my classmates talking about the Maui wildfires, and she said something along the lines of “yea it was all pretty awful, I’m starting to believe some of that space laser stuff. If you look at the burn pattern it was only houses and cars”

Stop that. Stop that right now. Whoever you are spreading shit about the Maui fires being some kind of targeted conspiracy, I need to you stop. There are no such thing as space lasers, all you’re doing is obscuring the real institutional failure that caused this.

I despise shit like this. Real people are suffering right now it’s not the time for stupid conspiracies. A power company had no regards for the safety of the island’s inhabitants, and the resulting fire was then picked up by the winds of a hurricane. Colonialism and climate change caused this, not a fucking laser.

I need well-meaning young leftists to not fucking fall for conspiracies like this. It helps no one and obscures accountability. What happened on Maui was awful, but claiming it was some secret targeted attack is not activism. Use your brains and please think when you hear a claim like that.

[whole-lotta-hoes]

Whole Lotta Hoes| Crack Fanfic Mini Series

Episode One: Zeppelin Is No More

Episode Two: Looking For A Job

Episode Three:

Episode Four:

Episode Five:

Warning:

This will cause you to lose a couple of brain cells and question your sanity. It will include a shit ton of weird shit and things that don't make sense at all. Do not read if you are not ready for any of this, read at your own risk.

Cast:

John Paul Jones (Main character)

Robert Plant

Jimmy Page

John Bonham

-------------------

Led Zeppelin is a band apparently. It's just a bunch of horny mother fuckers put together to make songs about sex. John Paul Jones was laying in bed with Robert Plant which he has no idea how that happened. He hoped nothing weird went down between them cause Jimmy Page would be so mad. oh jesus oh god you do not want to make that mother fucker mad. He'll literally turn you into a cheeseball and eat you. John got out of bed only to see that John Bonham was standing in the corner eating swedish fish gummies. He was not going to question it.

"Want some?" Bonzo asked him and he held one in his hand.

"I don't know you what the fuck!?" Jonesy yelled. He went to the baffroom and spotted jimmy trying to swim inside of the toilet. He believed he could do it if he tried hard enough.

"the oil supply demand is sky rocketing these days!" jimmy yelled as he got out of the toilet.

"Bitch do not touch me with your boo boo water," He warned him as he grabbed a toothbrush to use as a weapon. He learned how to make a knife with it in jail.

"Penis guitar playing is totes fun jonesy, you should try it," jimmie added. Oh mother fucker he is a heterosexual lad. Or that is what he said the other day when he ate some of robert's caramel popcorn. man he wondered how he even ended up in that stupid band. who's led and why does he have a zeppelin? you know some guy named their kid zeppelin but he claims that he didn't name him after the band. wait what were we talking about?

The band all decided to head to mcdonalds to eat happy meals. jimmy tickles.

"Guys! oh my god you will not believe it but britney is such a slut! ugh! can't believe she left me for a fish lookin' mother fucker-"

"No one gives a rats ass about your weird horny ass!" jimmy cut him off by yelling at robert. God damn that shithead has a huge ego but a small dick. Jonesy never understood why people liked him so much. He once stole his favorite pair of jojo siwa socks and claimed he never knew he owned any.

"You motherfuckers we're supposed to be going on tour!" Bonzo yelled as he swooped the food off the table.

"suck my asshole bonzo!" jim yelled.

"calm down pagey, he's just a meanie," robert added as he patted his head.

"y'all need to start realizing that no one likes you both!" jonesy snapped.

"shut up you're literally ugly and small and the bassist of led zeppelin and you look like heman with that stupid haircut of yours" Bonzo said as he ate jonesys burgers. damn that hurt.

"You know," jonesy began, "i don't need this job"

"what job?" robeet askes.

"shhhhh let the weirdo speak," jimmy said as he stuck his finger into his mouth.

"without me you will all suck asshole and no one will actually like led zeppelin," he explained.

the three slowly looked at each other and began to laugh their asses off at him.

"You act like you matter so much," robert added.

"shut up cheese cream! you're literally big and ugly and you look like you are 50 years old!" bonzo said as he drank his milk. that was funny. Jonesy felt his blood boil and grabbed his happy meal and stormed out.

-

It was the day of their shit concert. led zeppelin were backstage preparing to cause a dismother and set things on fire. preferably roberts underwear that pretty much doesn't exist in this case. the band stepped on stage and the crowd went wild.

"hello bananas-" That motherfucker fell forward into the drum set. oopsies. jimmy ran to him to make sure his hoe isn't dead or alive. fucking bon jovi.

"oh shit! robert plant is down!" he yelled. jonesy was absolutely done with them. they are nothing but a bunch of dumb fucks who ruin everything. He took out his laser penis and shot jimmy and robert to death.

"oh Motherfucker has a fucking laser pp! hija de su pinche madre!" jimmy yelled as he split in half. robert died again. bonzo just sat there blown away by the fact that that john paul jones just killed the front man and the guitarist of Led Zeppelin in front of millions of people. he was impressed.

"holy shit man you really-"

nope sorry but jonesy shot him too so he died. damn he could've let him live. meanie. oh wait im writing this so i could've.... ah man im too lazy to go back and fix it. too bad we're going with this plot now. Jonesy stepped off the stage and headed to the back.

"god dammit i hate everyone in this bloody world," he said to himself. he decided to hit the pub that was nearby to enjoy himself.

As he was sitting at the counter drinking something that is an alcoholic beverage. he began to spark ideas of what he could possibly do since led zeppelin died. He thought about starting a whole new band but he remembered that what caused him to kill led zeppelin. that was out of the shopping list for walmart. next was to steal money from the bank so he remains rich but he then realized that he is a famous musician and will get recognized quickly. fuck. he then thought of changing his hair to look less like heman cause that insult hurt.

"aha!" he shouted. He finally thought of something that could get him a shit ton of money. He drank the remaining drink from his cup and ran out of the pub.

-

he put on a thicc line of eyeliner, red lipstick, a black wig, fish nets leggings, high heeled boots, and earrings. oh man this is going to be hella great. His wife walked in to see what the fuck this small ass mothertrucker was up to this time. oh man i shat my pants.

"sweetie what the fuck are you doing!?" she yelled. Jonesy turned to look at her.

"led zeppelin is no more," he responded. She was so confused and wondered how the fuck she even ended up marrying heman. she had no idea what led zeppelin is no more meant and was hella concerned for his health.

"be back in a few days," he added as he broke his ankle trying to exit the house and rolled down the hill. oops it's not up the hill anymore. guess you could really say he went down hill. i hate myself so much. he walked down the sidewalk and ended up in someone's house. Motherfucker it's jimmy page's house. he stole his nice trousers or whatever those were. my teacher walked by as i wrote that btw. turns out they don't fit him cause jimmy is also a big hoe and jonesy isn't. shit. jimmy is embarrassing asf. that was pointless of him stealing so he stole his underwear. wait he wears those? imma look it up hold on. i didn't find anything about that so im just going to assume that he doesnt.

there was a picture of jimmy when he was with the yardbirbs and golly that is one ugly Motherfucker! he stole and stuffed it into his underwear. he got out of the house full of useless shit that he did not need at all. Then he forgot what he was doing. Jonesy continued walking down the street only to break his other ankle and rolled down the steep pathway. damn he's one dumb hoe bitch.

-

His laser penis was out of control. he just wanted to have a little me time but instead shot a whole through the wall of the motel be was staying in. god dammit. he removed his pp and switched it out with a normal pp. that's odd. his plan of overthrowing led zeppelin stressed him out. what else do you do when you're stressed? well can't say cause i ain't gotta peener. he got so bored. his days of not being in led zeppelin have been lame and was the worst idea he could even come up with. he didn't know what to do know. he can't just eat your grandma over and over again. he looked at himself through the mirror and oh my god I'm a sexy Motherfucker oh yeah bitch im THE BITCH. he needed to find something that'll keep him entertained for while.

babysitting was a bad idea. he got bitten by a bunch of goblins and gave him rabies. god i hate kids.

"hello motherfucker," jimmy said.

"OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD DAD SHOES PENIS PLANT! I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU THE OTHER DAY!" Jonesy yelled as he jumped over the couch.

"Nah bitch that was just my twin brother Jamie Patricia Page," He added. "Bitch why are you dressed like a stripper?"

Oh yeah he forgot that was what he was going to do once he killed led zeppelin. he still can but now there's a little bitch with him named james patrick page.

"we should kill robert plant," jimny suggested.

"Bitch i already killed him, you're a little too late you duck whore," he responded.

turns out he didn't actually kill led zeppelin but instead killed their twin brothers.

"You want to overthrow led zeppelin into the trashcan?" Jonesy asked. "Thought that's what you and bert wanted to do...."

"Nah man.... percy is a very stupid penguin and is meanie.... he stole my jojo siwa socks," jimmy explained.

ah damn turns out robert plant is the villain of the story and should be died. he is too powerful. his hair will slice the fuck out of anyone.

"You got a plan?" Jonesy asked.

"i say we steal his pants and burn them and use them as an alternative to oil," he explained. damn science class. then this guy named bonzo showed up and began to beat them with his drum sticks.

"BONZO CALM THE FUCK DOWN! AHHHHHHHHH!!!" james yelled.

"sorry but robert said to beat you both with them!" bonzo yelled back.

jonesy dug through his pants and took out a bunch of swedish fish gummies.

"hey look! fish gummies! come and get it boy!"

"bitch what the fuck I am not some stupid dog for you to be doing that time of shit you small Motherfucker heman lookin hoe short shit," bonzo said.

"GIMME GIMME OH SHIT!" he attacked Jonesy.

jimmy page the god of led zeppelin stood there watching while cheering them on fight fight fight! it got in here so he removed his trousers and threw them at bonzo which ended up knocking him out.

"oh shit! your pants are powerful! we can use it to kill percy!" Jonesy shouted.

"NO! JIMBERT MUST GO CANON!" Jimmy yelled and jumped out the window. all you heard was splash. that motherfucker jumped into the pool and is now wet. that's a disturbing image. Jonesy rolled his eyes and went back to doing whatever the fuck he was doing. it all of a sudden got really bright outside. oh the sun came out cause it was cloudy. but wait! Jonesy looked out the window and spotted robert plant heading towards him.

"IM THE GOLDEN GOD-" that motherfucker fell inside of the pool and sizzled. cual pinche golden god ese no mas anda haciendo puros desmadres y estupideces de mario.

that was the end of led zeppelin.

[bicturesforbella]

"The reality is that this is exactly how racists and anti-semites disguise their true hatred. When Marjorie Taylor Green talks about jews burning down California, the hyperbole of the claim is part of strategy for disseminating it. It is how Alex Jones disguises his anti-semitism. It's exactly how the Nazis used to push anti-semitism. Notice how we're all talking about it, and Twitter hasn't banned it? It's preposterous and cartoonish, so it seems safer than saying something like, "Jews cause society's problems and should be put in gas chambers". That would not be spread as wildly as this claim. It wouldn't make it into the late night TV monologs. But this will. Even though it shouldn't, because it's every bit as hateful and disgusting and every bit as intended to spread the sort of anti-semitism that lead to the holocaust.

People in fiction tend to constantly link Naziism with the occult, like through sensationalizing Nazi occult experiments. But the reason that naziism and the occult are actually linked is because the Nazis used the occult in so many of their anti-Jewish propaganda. It was sensational. It was memorable. The goal wasn't to make people believe Jews were devils (though many did). It was to create a constant, pervasive, dehumanizing sentiment in the consciousness of society towards Jews.

When people spread this absurd bullshit about Jews, the goal is not to get people to actual believe the details of the absurdity.

When people hear two things in conjunction with one another, they form a little unconscious link between them.

So, you don't have to believe something as fucking absurd as Jewish Space Lasers causing California wild fires. But the brain does internalize a link between something bad - the wild fires - with something else - Jews. It's conditioning. It doesn't happen through one absurdity. But it is a constellation of similar sentiments, "jokes", conspiracy theories, and other subtle methods of deumanization.

The absurdity of the claim works in their favor. Because you remember the absurdity. Things that are absurd and comical are memorable. And the falseness of the claim doesn't necessarily detract from the subconscious linkage of the object with the negative emotion.

In this way, nazis can spread anti-semitic sentiment while claiming that its "just a joke". After all, if she were really pressed, in a court of law (as Alex Jones has been), they can just say, "I was just joking, no sane person would believe Jewish people have space lasers!"

But they fucking know that beneath the absurdity, they are normalizing anti-semitic sentiment.

Think about how much racism is behind racist jokes. The jokes aren't supposed to be taken literally, but they do help make racist sentiments memorable. The brain remembers humor, and humor is used in human-to-human bonding.

When the racist sentiment is at the heart of these enjoyable activities, it gains further traction in the minds of people. The jokes serve to bond like-minded racists while cultivating racial hatred and dehumanizing perspectives. All while seeming innocuous to the tellers and listeners. Because after all, it's just a joke. They don't really feel that way about blacks / mexicans / Jews / etc. Until, suddenly, they do feel that way.

Majorie knows exactly what she's doing here. This should not be treated as anything less than intentional anti-semitic hatred meant to inspire fellow anti-semites and help normalize anti-semitic sentiment in America."

- reddit user TheBirminghamBear

[kariachi]

KevinepisodeKevinepisodeKevinepisode

We’re doing Kevins on this frabjous day, starting with the episode De-Fanged!.

Apparently my son is causing problems on purpose. We’re all shocked I’m sure.

And lo, but we are back to the wild world of laser tag.

VR laser tag, specifically, because apparently people were getting too much exercise during gameplay.

Maxwell Tennyson, bringing his grandkids to play laser tag despite them being banned. Asking that they please keep a low profile like Ben has ever kept a low profile in his life and Gwen isn’t the most competitive creature to have ever walked the face of this earth.

...nope, still not impressed by the concept. Sorry Ben.

The crowd standing there, oooing and ahhing over Fang, only for my son to arrive on the scene and take him out when he’s busy looking majestic and badass

Ben and Gwen, not even recognizing Kevin’s handle despite Ben competing with him online before, but still instinctively unimpressed.

Dude, Fang, you got taken out of a vr tournament not shot, fucking chill

You know, I still need a fic someday where the kids end up in a tag-team laser tag game again except this time it’s Ben and Kevin vs Gwen and Argit and Kevin just, isn’t even trying. Like, he fully believes they could beat Gwen and anyone else as long as they didn’t argue but Gwen and Argit he instinctively knows is an unbeatable combination. Most of the episode actually follows Gwen and Argit as they butt heads and ends with them being too busy arguing with each other to claim their prize so the boys steal it.

Anyway, hello, Kevin, my son, onscreen

The drama in Ben’s response to seeing Kevin. As I said before, these boys don’t have an ounce of chill between them.

Ben just straight up dropping Fang so he can confront Kevin properly.

“Anybody can beat you!” Them’s fightin’ words, Tennyson

Fang is fucking crying, dude, please, tell me you are not basing your selfworth on being able to beat an 11-yo at laser tag.

Kevin not even rubbing shit in, just wandering off to go defend his new title.

“Ben instead of focusing on you why don’t you focus on Fang?” Pan to show Fang leaned against a vending machine looking like he’s five and somebody just stole his favorite toy. “Yeah, Fang can totally help me destroy Kevin! Thanks Gwen!” And that is when Gwen realized she wanted to die.

Fang. Wtf. Get down off the vending machine, put your bigboy panties on, and start acting like the grown-ass man you are.

He is not doing any of those things.

Ben is heading into the game in pursuit of Kevin Destruction. Becuase the only thing these boys love more than anything is causing each other trouble. Ben tries to act like he doesn’t but, shit keeps happening.

Basically only one of them can be mature at any time.

All Tennysons are in.

.....

......

......

Y’all. My son. Should not be allowed. I do not even have words for the fucking 90′s inspired 80′s rocker bullshittery his avatar is, I cannot describe this. What is this child.

Score when the round is down to the top four remaining players is- Kevin with 788 points, Ben with 771, Gwen with 698, and Max with 556. So we know where the Tennyson cousins get it.

How many Kevins can we fit in one laser tag game? I believe we are about to learn

My child is going for drama now

Max and Gwen are down, only Kevin and Ben remain

“The Tri-Fang must be giving Kevin the upperhand!” No, Benjamin, he just hacked the game, and I am very proud of him.

Ben turns into Four Arms to even the playing field and a Kevin steals one of his blasters while he’s distracted.

And there go another two. Kevin is going to hold this numbers advantage thank you kindly.

Oh good lords he stole Ben’s blasters and went QuadSmack. I love this child y’all. I really do. He’s a menace.

Ya know I’d have thought you would’ve suspected Kevin was cheating before now, Gwen, given he came up behind you while you were watching him cross an open space

“At least Ben seems to be taking the loss well, I don’t hear any screams of agony. ... That’s probably bad.”

There the screaming is.

Oh gods Max is going to find a manager. This can’t end well. Also confirmation that his eyes are brown in the reboot, or at least this episode of it, who the fuck knows

Fake mustaches so they don’t get kicked out for being banned when they find a manager.

Meanwhile Ben is right back in the game, four lives left, out for Levin blood.

And lo, Ben is faced with the fact that he is now horribly outnumbered by Kevin. There are at least five Bashmouths here

And Ben is dead again, this time knowing that cheating is happening. Also he has been found by an employee. Thankfully the dude doesn’t care enough to look into if this is that banned kid

Oooo, suspicious managerial behavior

Minimum eight Kevins now, still only one Ben with three lives. Bashmouths vs Heatblast

The worst part is that Kevin could’ve beat this mess by now with Ben none the wiser, driving him completely around the gourd, but he didn’t because he’s a dramatic little shit

Take’s out a load of Kevins, thinks he’s good, only for another humany Kevin to pop up with a fire extinguisher. This is wonderful

We’re only halfway fucking through y’all

Ben is down to two lives

Gwen’s attempt at sneaking into the employees only area is so far a failure

Ben is down to one life

You cannot tell me the crowd doesn’t know something is up. And I’m fairly certain the staff are helping Kevin out. Why though? Personal vendetta against Fang? An attempt to shake things up? Blackmail? I mean if anyone on this show was going to both be involved with blackmail and be using it to win a laser tag tournament it’d be Kevin, I think we can all agree.

Fang, you came down off the fucking vending machine, good for you. Now get your janitor ass in the backroom and figure out what’s going on.

Fang please

He has given the Tennysons access to the backroom

Ooo, personal vendetta against Fang! Fang stole the title from this dude- on his birthday of all days- and when Kevin showed up going ‘I want the title, help me cheat’ he jumped at the opportunity!

Oh good lords Manager Scottie is Fang’s son! What a twist!

...well this is awkward

Huh.

Every time Fang calls Kevin ‘Kalvin’ I wanna throw a packing peanut at him

Armored!Rath just, is ugly as original sin, can I just say it? Ugly as original sin

Oh look, Kevin’s self-worth issues coming out in the heat of the moment. As soon as there’s anything resembling a statement that he can’t do something, he’s ready to take off a head.

Ooo, and Scottie gives control of the extra Kevins over to Max and Gwen.

Honestly I’m amazed Kevin’s watch lasted as long as it did. He’s really getting it working how he wants it.

My son is a disaster

Everything gets finished with, people are hugging and shit, Kevin walks onscreen with a bowl of nachos, goes ‘nope’, turns around and walks away

And the Tennysons are still banned.

8.7/11

[ariparri]

New OC, was accidentally made on the spot, so there’s no official backstory for her just yet...

Okay, so before we get to know Anais a bit more, I must talk about how Anais was an OC I unintentionally made.

One, I’ve never watched Miraculous Ladybug. I only knew about it, and learned enough was through all the fanart, comics clips and edits I scrolled through in my recommendation feed on Instagram. And I loved going through all of that, they either made me smile, laugh, sometimes cry.

Two, even after all that I still haven’t watched MLB (although I should). I wasn’t planning on making an OC at all. But looking at the fanart and edits started making me imagine a character as if they were part of the show. I still didn’t make Anais since I already have so many OCs I need to focus more on plus I didn’t think I would be interested in MLB for that long.

That was until ONE CHARACTER -cough- Luka -cough- pops up, and I’m instantly hooked. And what do you know Anais Dupré has come to an existence.

As I mentioned earlier though, I don’t have an official backstory planned for her since she wasn’t intentional, and I don’t really want to make it based solely for shipping, so that’s going out the door ‘cause I want her to be her own character. Also I need to actually watch MLB to know what the heck the plot actually is but thanks to my stupid self for going through all the MLB content on ig, I looked at the spoilers (°▽°) Who cares though, those were good freaking spoilers.

Okay that’s enough of me yapping, here’s some info on Anais Dupré!

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Name: Anais Dupré

Age: 16

Personality:

She’s a very optimistic, enthusiastic and passionate young girl. Although she’s a bit “wild” as other people claims her to be, she does have a mellow side and often gives advice to her friends. She’s quite ambitious for her age, and will push her friends to get over their nerves to help them achieve their own goals. Anais may also be young but she is understanding of her friends and how she views their actions, offering advice or lecturing them over their right or wrong decisions.

Fun Facts:

She has a thing for hats, gots a whole collection of them, one for every occasion. Her favorite kind of hat is the porkpie. Anais also wears platform shoes because she’s pretty short for the average 16 year old. When trying to grab for things on a high shelf or something, she refuses any help as she claims to be independent and climbs up the shelf to get the item herself.

Quote:

”You can make fun of my height. You can make fun of my shoes. But never make fun of the hat.”

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Mad Hatter is the akumatized version of Anais Dupré.

For Mad Hatter, I don’t know what her abilities will be, a friend and I have been making jokes about her abilities since I first thought of her. And honestly, the first idea that came to mind was a PG version of Kung Lao from Mortal Kombat. It was more funnier in my head.

We were also thinking maybe mind control? Like the hat from Meet The Robinsons. Since Anais has a collection of hats, she has them at her disposal and just throw them onto someone’s head and the hat puts them under her control. They’d be like mindless zombies in a way.

There was this other idea where the hats fly around like UFOs and just fire lasers and all that jazz. But it doesn’t really fit the Mad Hatter motif? Eh, she’s still a working progress xD

I also don’t plan on making a Miraculous for Anais, if I do, I’d have to really search up animals that haven’t been used yet in the show and by other OCs. But for now, I’ll settle with her Akumatized design.

Please do not repost without permission

[neverwatchedonepiece]

619: "Running Wild! Invincible General Franky!"

Pirate King, eh?

You know what? I’m almost apprehensive to leave Punk Hazard behind.

It was such a fun arc and ticked lots of my personal boxes (Caesar is absolutely awful and a treasure of a villain, I have decided). This apprehension is only because I don’t know what’s coming next. Judging by the plot threads Oda has set up so far, it’s fingers crossed I’ll enjoy Dressrosa as much as Punk Hazard.

This episode seemed to be split in two: the fond farewell to the arc and looking forward to the next. In one particular scene, both merged very effectively.

And Now, We Wait.

The Strawhats waiting for Usopp, Chopper and Brook was definitely a tying up of loose ends. The final piece of the puzzle of Punk Hazard is complete. Now, they only need to escape.

I love this shot. While the others were clambering onto Law’s truck, desperate to escape the lab caving in about them, Luffy and the other Strawhats calmly sat facing the door, unwilling to give up hope until all hope was lost. Because Luffy waited, they all stood by him and did the same. ;_;

The Strawhats definitely have Usopp to thank for guiding Chopper and Brook to safety. “50 meters to go! The Gate is closing. Slide in!” The gas really was gaining at that point but Brook kept everyone’s spirits up. “It’s only over when you give up.”

Chopper, Mocha and the G5 guys burst through first, followed by a very narrow scrape through by Brook and (frozen) Kinemon! Luffy was relieved. You could see the sweat beads on his forehead. But he never gave up hope and his faith in his crew paid off. (But it always helps to have someone like Usopp around, so credit where it is due.)

Another clue that the Strawhats might actually capture Caesar is that Usopp retrieved the cuffs from the Minions. They were so grateful for what Usopp had done for them that they fought to hand over their cuffs. 

The only slightly bad thing was that Brook accidentally let slip that Kinemon had been caught by the gas right in front of his kid.

Don’t think Momonosuke will be happy his dad is dead.

Is he dead, though? The other minions and G5 guys were left behind but why would Brook bother to bring Kinemon, if he couldn’t be revived? Unless it’ll be an honourable samurai funeral situation... ;_;

Actual Knife Energy

Meanwhile, outside at the Sunny, the Mega Mecha Air Battle between Franky and the Baby 5/Buffalo team was definitely looking to the future (specifically, the future battles and rivalries between Doflamingo and the Strawhat pirates).

As Baby 5 and Buffalo retreated from Franky’s firestorm of laser bullets, they hovered at a safe distance and had a “wtf is that?” moment. An old kung-fu movie style sequence of increasing close ups followed (I laughed). Then, without warning, Franky unleashed a General Left.

Baby 5 and Buffalo were sent reeling again. It was interesting they recognised Franky’s “pacifista” weapons straight away, and that they briefly considered Franky was one of Caesar’s inventions before realising Caesar has no interest in “human” weapons. I guess Caesar’s more a biochem kind of guy.

Well, whatever Franky was, Baby 5 said, if it wanted a fight...

She fired a ton of bullets in Franky’s general direction and thought she’d got him until the smoke cleared and a flash of glowing yellow cyborg eyes said, “Nope. Not even close.”

Then Franky injected a bit of humour into the firefight. Dat General Shield that was way too small. Dat Boomerang! xD

His dumb delaying tactics annoyed Baby 5 into changing form. Now, I am guessing Baby 5 and Buffalo have eaten those types of fruits that let you transform into objects (kind of the opposite of Funkfreed). Would those be Zoan fruits, or something else?

At any rate, their teamwork is pretty good. Buffalo knows how to support Baby 5 and set up her attacks. She transformed into a blade first (Espada Girl), then a missile (Missile Girl). It’s just a shame they’re up against Franky because he is armed to the teeth. Literally. Like, I would not be surprised if Franky has weaponised his teeth.

What probably threw Baby 5 and Buffalo was when they accused Franky of not letting them recover Caesar. Buffalo reminded Baby 5 that Doflamingo said “immediately” regarding Caesar’s recovery. (That itself is interesting. It shows Doflamingo’s orders are not to be defied.) Baby 5 transformed into a missile and yelled, “We’ll take Caesar with us!” and Franky was like, “Wtf are you talking about Caesar?”

I had an “uh oh” moment. Franky just wants to defend Sunny. Baby 5 and Buffalo want to recover Caesar. There is a tiny danger that all three will have a chat and agree to let everyone get what they want with no further conflict. Then Caesar will have escaped. Franky knows what Caesar did to the Strawhats, so I don’t think it’ll happen. But there is always a chance!

And speaking of Caesar...

The Centre of Alllllll the Trouble

I wonder if this guy knows just how much trouble he’s caused? I wonder if he knows his knowledge alone can turn the OPverse upside down? That Doflamingo sent two members of his team to retrieve him and was willing to sacrifice Monet and Vergo to do so makes it blindingly obvious.

Considering how egotistical Caesar is, he probably knows fine well and absolutely loves it.

Well, I say that. As of 619, he has no idea Doflamingo has sent anyone to rescue him. He’s currently flat out and convinced he’s going to die. 

But, Caesar cannot stop being Caesar. He felt about in his coat pockets, found Smoker’s heart in a box and decided to enact some scorched earth, nuclear revenge. I mean, if he’s gonna die, right?

The scary thing about Caesar is the sheer glee he feels whenever he does something awful. “I’ll take Smoker to hell with me!” he whispered. “It’s a shame I can’t watch him die. He’ll open his eyes, vomit blood and suffocate in no time. I’m excited just imagining it!”

Okay, Caesar. You do you.

He’s also the kind of guy who keeps shanks on his person. Holding it above the heart, he grinned and said, “It’ll cause fear and panic in all those he’s with.”

That’s Caesar in a nutshell. He develops biochem weapons. He’s a serial killer. He loves causing fear and panic. Punk Hazard really was a paradise for him and he manipulated everyone else around him into believing it too.

I don’t think Smoker will die. Mostly because Law is around and he might be able to fix any heart-stabbin’ antics with his Room Plus Medical Powers.

Still, I wonder what will be next for Caesar? If he goes back to Doflamingo, it’ll be business as usual, I guess. If Luffy and Law succeed... what the hell will they do with him? Luffy hates him. Will Law take him on?

I have no idea. It could go any way, really. I suppose it depends on how devoted Caesar is to Doflamingo. Whether Caesar is willing to go down with Doflamingo (I’m assuming this’ll happen because Doflamingo is a villain and Whole Cake Island comes after Dressrosa.)

RIP, Monet and Vergo

This sequence of scenes was very cool. Lots of beautiful art too.  The most interesting thing here was Monet and Vergo’s devotion to Doflamingo. That they were willing to die to help accomplish his goals. Doflamingo must either have some hellish power, hellish charisma or a hellish combination of both.

The action briefly cut to Dressrosa, where Doflamingo was taking a call from Monet. He couldn’t believe she was alive. (Neither could I. How she recovered from being halved is still a mystery.) She told him Vergo had been beaten. Caesar too. Doflamingo said not to worry. Baby 5 and Buffalo had been sent to retrieve Caesar.

Notice the lack of “and also retrieve you and Vergo.” Monet did notice... and she was fine with it.

“Oh, that’s good to hear,” she said.

Doflamingo apologised. “It’s all because of my misjudgement. I feel bad for you all but I want to make sure to wipe out all those squirts now.” 

Translated: I feel bad that you and Vergo are gonna die but I need this thing done.

He wanted Monet to push Caesar’s Big Red Button, the Big Damned Bomb that was also responsible for leveling Punk Hazard. “With just the push of a button, there will be only one survivor on that island and that is Caesar.”

Jeez. That’s harsh. He just straight up told her.

“You don’t have to say anything, Joker,” Monet answered. “I was just going to do that, anyway. I’m right in front of the triggering device. The explosion will ruin the tanker. You’re gonna lose a tanker. Is that okay?”

“I need you to perish along with everything else.”

“Yes, Young Master.”

What the actual? Monet, this is your LIFE and you are worried about this guy’s TANKER? Doflamingo has crazy control over these people. The scariest thing is that it is not just fear. These people admire him as much as the Strawhats admire Luffy. 

And the weirdest thing? Doflamingo seems to want to claim the Pirate King title.

That’s only Monet’s word, but why would she lie about something like that?

I always thought Doflamingo was dismissive about all the Old/New Era stuff. Now I’m wondering what his deal is.

Doflamingo at least had the grace to call Vergo for one last chat. Vergo was still in bits strung along the railing (it’s kinda gruesome, when you think about it.) He apologised to Vergo, said he had known him for the longest time and thanked him for all his work. Vergo smiled (in fractions). Like Monet, he was totally fine about dying, as long as Doflamingo said the right words.

Then, just before the island went KABOOM, Toei inserted a quick series of flashbacks. The G5 guys who sacrificed themselves with the thumbs up, the kids, the minions, Vergo, Monet, all the Strawhats, Law, Smoker, Tashigi, even Doflamingo perched on his window seat in Dressrosa pinching the bridge of his nose like, “Gawd this was a disaster...”

Now I think about it, it really was. Punk Hazard was a proper death-fest. Caesar gleefully murdered minions left, right and centre, he experimented on kids and nuked an entire island. Doflamingo is asking people to die for him. G5s sacrificed themselves. Though no one on the level of Whitebeard and Ace died, a lot of people bit the big one on Punk Hazard and it was worse in a way because at least in Marineford, they were all fighting for something. In Punk Hazard, people just died because Caesar/Doflamingo’s business.

Everyone’s fighting to survive right now.

Except Luffy. He’s riding a truck through a rapidly collapsing tunnel.

That’s his idea of a great day out.

Bye, Punk Hazard! It’s been an absolute pleasure.

[richrubies]

Set-up (Jay Park x Reader)

➳ genre: jealousy x humour

Jay knew there was no reason to be jealous.

He knew that your relationship was solid – no, not solid. If we were talking the three scientific phases, your relationship was gas. Untouchable. Yes, definitely untouchable.

So why the hell was he feeling like he was about to go and knock Sung-min out for standing so close to you.

It wasn’t as if you were wearing a skin-tight dress – no, you’d visited the set wearing a pair of black jeans and an over-sized hoodie, with your hair in a messy bun on-top of your head.

And yet, all of the crew had taken to you like bees to pollen.

Even worse, is that you’d spent a majority of your time sitting and talking with the influx of men in the room – in other words, not paying attention to Jay at all.

He couldn’t blame the guys – you were a natural beauty. You drew people in with your smile and kindness; Jay scoffed at that thought as soon as it appeared – if half of the people on the set knew how tough and crazy you were during an argument, they’d shun you without a second thought.

Jay deserved an award for being your boyfriend.

At least that’s what he told himself as he pouted from his seat, watching as you laughed happily on the other side of the room, sitting between Dean and Zico, making exaggerated hand movements while everyone laughed alongside you.

Oh, it pissed him off more than he could express.

What were you saying that was so funny?

Were you telling them about the time he accidentally walked in on your grandma getting dressed and that she hasn’t stopped hitting on him at family gatherings since?

Or about the time he went swimming and a wave dumped him so hard that he lost his swimming shorts and almost got arrested for public indecency?

The more he saw you and your group of fanboys laugh, the more suspicious he became.

Whipping out his phone, his fingers practically glided along the keyboard as he sent of a trail of messages.

The vibrating of your phone pulled your attention away from Dean who was telling the group about his recent shenanigans. Opening the messages with a frown on your face, you excused yourself from the conversation for a moment whilst you dealt to your grumbling boyfriend.

The SMTM set was lively the moment you had walked in, with set crew running around, fixing last minute issues before going live for the upcoming seventh season in a few days’ time, despite the time was nearing 1am.

You’d come to the set to bring Jay food, and to offer any assistance to the set team – after-all, you did used to work as one of the prop artists before moving on to working with YG. Your offer had kingly been rejected, which had given you time to catch up with old faces.

It had been a long time since you’d seen Sung-min and Hyuk, and even longer since you’d last hung out with Jiho, and so you leapt at the opportunity to do so.

All of the other producers and competitors had long since left after your arrival, most of them reluctant to leave after having found you on set; you were a crowd favourite with your wild humour and uplifting nature.

You re-read Jay’s message about his shoulders and frowned, looking over your shoulder to see a sullen Jay sitting in one of the prop throne chairs, one leg thrown over the arm, and the other placed on the ground. He was glaring right at your little group of friends, a cloud of jealousy storming right above him.

Oh boy.

Jay wasn’t usually a jealous man – well that wasn’t true. He was, but he denied being so, claiming it was a matter of “feeling uncomfortable with other people being too near because he was worried about your safety”. But you knew him like the back of your hand, and you knew that his pathetic reasoning was just him rambling, attempting to maintain his level-headed CEO image, even behind closed doors.

But you knew Jay. In other words, no amount of Jay’s denial would stop you from knowing the blatant truth – Park Jae-beom was a thirty-one-year old sook who didn’t like to share.

Placing your phone back in your pocket after sending your last text, you ignored the constant vibrating as you wrapped the conversation with ease by announcing that you were getting tired, and promising the men that you would visit the set often, along with ensuring that you’d all go out to dinner together soon.

As they each went their own way, muttering about how fast time had passed, and how good it had been to see you, you in-turn, walked in the direction of Jay who was still sitting in his plastic throne, looking every bit the king of your heart, that he was.

As you approached, Jay shifted so that his elbows rested on his thighs and he let out an exaggerated sound, ‘Ugh, babe, feel how stiff my shoulders are!’

Rolling your eyes, you stood behind him and gently squeezed at his shoulders and rubbed his back, cooing, ‘You must be in so much pain!’

‘Why didn’t you come earlier?’ he asked, holding back a cry of pain as you squeezed at his shoulder blades, attempting to get the fake knots out of his back.

‘You’re so tense!’ you continue to massage as Jay squirmed away from your touch.

‘It must be all of the hard work I’ve bee– YA! That hurts!’

Halting your pain-massage, you lean over his shoulder to look him in the eye, ‘Yah, were you jealous?’

‘Ha! Me? Of who? Jealous? What? No! Never!’ he blurted out quickly, ‘What’s there to be jealous of?’

Rubbing at his back to make up for the hard massage you’d just given him, knowing he’d lied about it actually being sore, you murmur, ‘Ah…so you didn’t just sit here for the last forty minutes, glaring at me and the guys?’

‘…Nope.’

‘Ah…that’s weird, because I could have sworn that you were sitting there, practically setting Hyuk on fire with your eyes. Shooting at him with laser-eyes, pew-pew,’ you tease him.

‘I don’t get jealous,’ he tells you with crossed arms and a raised nose.

You hum, causing Jay to look up at you with a mouth wide open, ‘It’s true! If you want to come to the SMTM set to see me, but spend all your time focusing on other men, then I’m completely fine with it!’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah! I’m so fine with it. It’s cool. It’s as cool as a cucumber,’ Jay rambles while you watch him with a raised eyebrow, knowing that he was feeling the complete opposite.

‘Yes, sir-ee, it’s fine by me! I mean, why waste time on your handsome and loving boyfriend when you can have a long secret discussion with a bunch of SINGLE men?’ you couldn’t get a word in as Jay muttered to himself, ‘What was so funny anyway? Stupid Zico.’

Not able to hold back your laughter at his ridiculousness any longer, you hid behind your hand as Jay looks up at you with a glare.

‘Sorry, hun, I’m not laughing at you, I swear,’ you say between giggles which only became louder the more you looked at Jay’s sulky face. He looked like a kid who wasn’t allowed to buy a toy.

‘It’s not funny!’ he defends, causing you to bark out another loud laugh while he pouted.

‘Aigoo, you’re so jealous! You’re so cute,’ you coo, holding his cheeks in the palms of your hands.

‘I’m not jealous!’ he says, adamant as he pulls you into his lap and holds you tight, his chin resting on your shoulder, ‘I’m really not!’

‘그래? Fine…You’re not jealous. That’s good, because the guys asked to meet up for dinner sometime soon.’

Jay nearly threw you out of his lap as he stood up, ‘Those jerks! They spend all night hogging my girlfriend, making her laugh and standing too close, and now they want to take you out to dinner? Ha!’ He began to laugh manically, ‘Mother-fuckers.’

He turned to you, who had been standing, watching Jay in amazement at his sudden outburst – it was the first time you’d seen him react like this; small fits, you were used too, but this was on a whole other level.

‘So? Did you agree to go?’ Jay asks while you give him a small smile and nod, despite knowing it’d only annoy him further.

‘They’re trying to steal you away from me!’

‘Yah, you idiot,’ you all but giggle as he began to pace, muttering and cursing despite the many crew members who were still on site, and in hearing distance, ‘They invited you as well!’

Jay halted almost instantly, his head moving so fast that you were sure he had given himself whiplash, ‘What?’

‘They want to do a group thing! Not just me, they want you there as well, you dork.’

‘You set me up!’ Jay accuses while you laugh freely, ‘You wanted to see if I’d react like a crazy man!’

‘That’s it…You’re banned from visiting the set,’ Jay says, his cheeks red from having lost his composure.

Laughing, you walk away from a shaken Jay, ‘Whatever, you’ll be begging me to come to the set by tomorrow, cry-baby!’

‘I’m not a cry-baby! And I wasn’t jealous!’ Jay says as he follows after you like a puppy, his hand instantly seeking yours as you walk, ‘Honestly!’

‘You’re so cute. Come on. Let’s go home, I spent so much time talking to all of the handsome judges and artists that I’ve tired myself out,’ you tease him, only to laugh as Jay yelled,

‘YOU’RE BANNED FROM THE SET! I MEAN IT!’

[dw-writes]

BNHA MONSTER AU GO

SO THIS IS REALLY LONG??? And told from the perspective of Nezu because….I felt like it ouo;;

So after the first three students, it goes into a read more. Because its /ridiculously/ long.

Let me know what you think!!

Welcometo U.A. High! Home of the country’s most intense and competitive educationalprogram that caters to only the most capable of Japan’s monstrous population. Myname is Nezu, the principal! I look a little odd, sure, but that’s just becauseI’m a highly skilled shape shifter! Am I a dog, a mouse, or a hamster? Whoknows except those monsters that choose to use their abilities for evil!

At therequest of the populous, I thought I’d introduce everyone to our more prolificstudents and instructors~

Class 1-A:

Midoriya Izuku is a son of Atlas! What asurprise that was! He wasn’t even aware of it, until All Might had him answer afew questions. With digging and very gentle interrogation of Ms. Midoriya, All Mightwas able to figure out that he and Midoriya shared that bit of history. Becauseof this, Midoriya was able to take up the burden of carrying the Strength ofAtlas, also known as One For All.

Todoroki Shoto is the son of a nymph ofice and a spirit of fire, so it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what he is. Heclaims to be a nymph of ice and fire, which makes it easier for the paperwork.When asked why he doesn’t ever consider himself a spirit, he falls quiet. Itmust be the same reason why he hardly ever uses his fire.

Bakugo Katsuki is a menace is oneof our top students and, also, a poltergeist. He was a handful during his firstsemester, however, he has managed to settle into his role at the school andstrives to be at the top of his class. Still, his power does get away from himfrom time to time when he gets angry. Best to stay away when he starts swearingup a storm.

Uraraka Ochaco is, to put it lightly, analien. Well, okay. ‘Alien’ may not be the right word. We don’t know what kindof monster she is! Her abilities have only been seen with extraterrestrialbeings, and, that being said, we’ve only see it demonstrated with celestialbodies. It is highly possible that Uraraka is the start of a whole new type ofmonster, but, for now, she is content with the classification of ‘alien’. Itmakes her feel like Sailor Moon!

Asui Tsuyu is a kappa. She enjoys usingher monster powers to rescue people from sticky situations in the water. Whileshe has been stuck with rivers and lakes throughout the city, she hopes thatshe can move onto larger bodies of water, so that she can help more and morepeople with her unique monster abilities.

Iida Tenya is a son of Hermes. Not aliteral son, but a descendent at most. He’s quick on his feet both in mentallyand physically. While he is a little socially awkward, he’s a great companionto have in battle!! You saw him out on the field during the tournament! What abattle buddy!

Yaoyarozu Momo is a new breed of monsterthat we call a godling. Here at U.A., we haven’t seen many students with theability to create. From the looks of it, Yaoyarozu can create almost anythingonce she understands the complexity behind it. She has a promising future on thePro Hero circuit, and we look forward to seeing her grow.

Kirishima Eijiro is a manly mountain spirit. His hardeningability helps with the fact that mountain spirits were meant to help build themountain ranges, but he really wants to learn how to use it for helping people insteadof building out in nature.

Tokoyami Fumikage is a tengu! Whilethere are many tengu that exist in myths and legends, Tokoyami hasn’t disclosedto us which he happens to be. He has decided that this dark, brooding, andmysterious persona that his classmates have developed for him is one that he’sgoing to keep, even though he just can’t think of something to break the ice.

Mineta Minoru is the first and onlyhomunculus we’ve had enrolled at U.A. High. No, not one of those homunculus. Damn that show. From what I’ve gathered, his typeof homunculus could be considered an off shoot of a golem, though that would besimplifying it.

Hagakura Toru is a bakemono. Honestly,her gift is rather scary, as you can only see the forms she takes from thecorner of your eye. If you look at her head on, you won’t be able to see her.Hagakure wants to be a spy on the Pro circuit, but is afraid that no one willtake her seriously because she’s invisible most of the time.

Ashido Mina is actually an alien. Not inthe way that Uraraka is classified as an alien but is, in fact from anotherplanet. Her guardians (or parents?) were very forth coming with thisinformation, insisting that she be listed as such in fact. She’s not very shyabout this either. She’s even decided on a Pro Monster name of Alien Queen.

Kaminari Denki has managed toeffectively spread the rumor that he is a child of Raijin. This has,irritatingly, made its way into our records. Though I must applaud thecreativity and gusto it must have taken him and his friends to get it put intoour school’s system that he is a child of Thor, it makes it difficult to tellwhat he really is. All letters that have been sent home to his parents inregards to the question have been ignored (or simply never made it there).

Jiro Kyoka is a siren of a differentnature than Present Mic. When Mic can amplify sound that he creates, Jiro canonly amplify sound that already exists in her body, i.e. her heartbeat. She’stried it with multiple different bodily sounds but her heartbeat has been themost effective battle strategy that she’s been able to come up with. Stomachgrowls just sound too sinister to be anything other than horror movie soundeffects.

Koda Koji is an animal guide. That doesn’tsound as monstrous as you think, but when you are facing down a herd of maleelk that managed to appear out of nowhere, you’ll reconsider that thought. Kodacan communicate with any animals, both wild and domestic, via telepathy. Wehaven’t yet figured out if this translates to the monster populous as well, butso far, he has only shown a desire to use his gift to help!

Aoyama Yuga is a tennin and he doesn’t letanyone forget it. He uses his heavenly energy to produce a laser like weaponfrom his stomach, though it seems to make him sick if he uses it too much.Maybe it’s just too much of a strain on his body.

Ojiro Mashirao is a descendent of SonGoku, the monkey king! He’s worked really hard to learn martial arts to live upto the legend, and he’s always excited to learn more. His strength is hisgreatest weapon, and it really helps that he has a prehensile tail. He says it’slike having another limb.

Shoji Mezo is an onmyoji. It’s hard tosay exactly what he can do, since he has only demonstrated the ability tocreate multiples of his body parts, but he seems content to keep the rest ofhis abilities to himself.

Sato Rikido is a baku who acceptspayment for his services in sugary treats. Eating a nightmare takes a lot ofout him, as he normally goes in search of what causes the nightmare, and,because of this, he really appreciates sugary treats for his troubles.

Sero Hanta is a mummy. It’s actuallyreally funny, because he uses it as a gag on Halloween to scare everyone duringa haunted house, even though they knowthat he’s a mummy. He’s learned how to use the tape from his body to his advantage,and wants to become a capture monster on the Pro circuit.

Instructors:

Midnight, the 18+ succubus! Hey, that rhymes!I bet she did that on purpose, kyukyu. While Midnight is not the only one ofher kind, she is the first to approach U.A. with the hopes of educating theyounger monsters. She’s been careful not to use her gifts for ill purposes, butthat doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy using it!

Eraserhead is one of a rare type ofmonster known as negators. While he lacks any offensive abilities of the monstrouskind, he is able to negate the abilities of any monster he looks at! Because ofthis, he is able to work with the students to learn more creative ways to dealwith villain monsters.

Present Mic is the siren with the most!While he’s not an instructor that focuses on the many attributes of ourstudents, he does use his power as a siren to make sure that they focus inother classes, like English! Of course, he doesn’t let it on that this is whathe’s doing, so the students seem to be none the wiser. Now that I think aboutit, maybe I shouldn’t have included that in here. Hm.

All Might is a son of Atlas! While, youmay think that this means he is a demi-god of sorts, please, dash thosethoughts! All Might likes to remind us that Atlas was, first and for most, amonster, and while his name did go down in history as a god, that doesn’t meanthat he was one. The Strength of Atlas can be moved from person to person, asonly one man wield the power at any given time. As of now, All Might is nolonger the bearer of the Strength of Atlas, also known as One For All.

Support:

Hatsume Mei is the descendant of thelegendary Daedalus, creator of the Labyrinth of Greek myth. Interestinglyenough, she’s the one that found out this information, making a list of herfamily tree that goes back literallymiles for the school records. She claimed it was for homework once upon a time.I think it was to prove to support technology sponsors that she was perfect forhiring. After all, her brain was that of a brilliant scientist.

General Studies:

Shinso Hitoshi is a third type of siren.Where Present Mic and Jiro use sound as a weapon, Shinso uses it as a tool. He insiststhat the voice is a link to the mind and, when he hears a voice, or, whensomeone uses it to answer him, he is able to take that sound as a pathway andreplace their minds voice with his own. A lot of people see this as a power ofa villain monster, but with practice, it could be used to defuse stressfulsituations without causing harm to others!

Third Years:

Togata Mirio is one of our first ghost students! He tries his hardest with his students, however he seemsto excel mostly at the use of his ghostly abilities rather than his schoolwork. While we encourage the use of our students’ abilities in everyday life,Togata seems to enjoy misusing it from time to time. This might stem from himworking with Nighteye, a Pro Monster with a taste for jokes.

Amajiki Tamaki is a different type ofshapeshifter than myself. While I can take on the form of any animal I wish, hecan take on the attributes of any animal he eats. It has really forced him toexpand his taste in food, that’s for sure. Despite the limit to what he can do,he does use it to his advantage when it comes to working with the Pro Monsters.

Hado Nejire is a wind spirit. It mightseem as if she is very air headed, but honestly, she’s very sweet, and lightspirited, and doesn’t let much get to her. She enjoys using her power on thePro Monster circuit while she’s interning, but doesn’t like to show off toothers too much. She lets Togata do all the flashy work for that.

[ganymedesclock]

Mary Sue Keith anon here. What I meant by "special snowflake origin story" is his being a mysterious alien foundling with ties to empire and rebellion. The writers are giving Keith all the toys powers wise AND major story connection wise while Pidge, Hunk, and Lance get barely anything aside from like, befriending one random alien race each (Olkari, Balmera, mermaids). I'm afraid of this becoming the Specialest Boy Keith Show feat. Shiro and Allura

(2/2) Keith and Shiro and Allura absolutely are special snowflakes compared to Pidge, Hunk, and Lance, regular unpowered humans. Pidge at least has the story with her family but oops wait Shiro will be the one to find Matt.

...I’m kind of at a loss here, anon. I feel like we haven’t been watching the same show. So let’s just. Let’s crack out the highlight reel here shall we?

Pidge is an incredible prodigy who not only effortlessly integrated with alien technology, something nobody else on the team, including Keith and Shiro, were able to do and this was explicitly noted and commented on.

She also personally retook the Castle near-singlehandedly while Keith could do nothing but sit on his butt outside the barrier and Shiro was held hostage. Facing career soldiers. How did that go again? “Haxus is dead and you’re next!”

And was integral to reuniting the team after the season one finale and unsubtly saved Coran and Allura from the wormhole loop, where they were completely helpless.

And “this thing with her family” happened to involve repeatedly breaking into a literal military base, at age fourteen, without a whole arsenal of spy gadgetry, and after getting literally banned from being anywhere near said base to try and stop her from getting in, constructed an entire fake identity using stuff around her house and joined as a student, pretty clearly testing ahead of her grade level.

Oh, right, and what was she doing when we first saw her? Just eavesdropping on alien transmissions. It’s okay Galra empire it’s not your encryption, it’s just the fact that Pidge is a terrifying technological wizard and no one can keep her out of anything, ever. Seriously, show me an algorithm in show that Pidge didn’t crack while not being able to read galran or altean.

Also she jailbroke the Green Lion. Let me just reiterate that: Pidge took a piece of ancient magical technology that is probably actually a living creature in a mechanical shell and was like “I’m going to make you turn invisible.” and this was such a goshdanged non-issue we didn’t even see Pidge do it onscreen. Just took a leisurely afternoon and made a giant metal Lion able to completely disappear because she studied one piece of technology with the power to hide itself in one setting. Which has been plot relevant multiple times that the team 

Actively ran the entire show on the Beta Traz mission, she was giving Lance and Shiro the orders.

She’s also basically Voltron’s designated getaway driver even though as she pointed out in episode 1 she’s literally never had a day of pilot training in her life.

Lance was pretty clearly the second best pilot behind Keith. “Clockie,” you might say, “that’s not impressive.” Yeah except Keith seems to be pretty much Spiderman, remember the druid fight in s1e10? Keith can tell where things are relative to him without looking. He has literal superhuman reflexes. Lance competed with this person. And did great. The reason why we see him crash in the simulator is because he misjudges the time it takes for his ship to pull around, it has nothing to do with his sense of the controls. Keith called him the worst pilot at a point where Lance wasn’t doing anything, Blue was just having a nice gallop.

Speaking of which it’s made explicitly clear Blue is totally ignoring both Shiro and Keith. We haven’t even heard a whisper of the Black or Red Lions at that point, just Blue, and Blue is specifically here for Lance and only Lance, can’t give anyone else the time of day.

(and it’s not like Blue made a wormhole when none of the other Lions did. Good thing THAT’S not going to be plot relevant ever, clearly)

I’m a little intrigued by your claim that Lance “made friends with” the mermaids and that it’s just comparable to the Balmera or Olkari. Because that’s sure not how I remember that episode. I seem to remember Lance saving their entire civilization nearly alone (just him and the rebels), figuring out that their enemy wasn’t who they thought it was, making the right decision to hear Luxia out at a key moment, and having to outmaneuver Hunk, who was holding absolutely nothing back, and defeat him without injuring him. Cause... y’know... on the Balmera and Olkarion, there was a minor thing of Pidge and Hunk had the whole rest of the team right there backing them up.

It is not remotely an exaggeration to say Lance can hit a target the size of a dime while falling backwards in zero gravity when the person he’s shooting at has a thrashing hostage and if Lance shoots wrong he could easily kill said hostage and doom the entire mission and Lance said “I’ve got this” with zero hesitation, took a breath and went for it in a way that suggests Lance, the chronically insecure, is so unbelievably good at this it didn’t even occur to him to hesitate. This is the gunslinging equivalent of “could hit a perfect bullseye and then split the arrow with your next shot and then split that arrow with the shot after that.” Just “I’ve got this.” and he did. 

Earth means the most to Lance as it’s his home and pretty inevitably the conflict is going to go there.

Also, minor technicality but he saved Coran’s life and the team’s darkest, most desperate hour, the fall of the Castle, was centered around Lance being in critical condition, which doesn’t exactly make sense as a writing decision unless he’s sort of completely integral to how things operate.

Which happened because he was able to in less than five seconds tell two identical robots apart from each other because one was acting the wrong way. And then he woke up during his own rescue and hit Sendak square in center mass while so heavily injured he could barely stay conscious. 

Hunk is pretty blatantly Alfor’s successor and there’s no way in hell that isn’t going to be a plot point, just for starters.

He’s also a brilliant engineer who has brought us quality moments such as “well there’s an element that doesn’t exist on Earth and I have absolutely no possible experience with it and we’re in a desert shack with limited tools but I could totally just build a machine to find it no problem,” and “hotwiring this alien mine elevator while under fire is so trivial that I won’t even stop complaining or look at what I’m doing more than the occasional sidelong glance. And I’m done, about that quickly.”

And a world-class chef that has been shown that with a single exception where he accidentally used an inedible ingredient (and ended up saving everyone’s lives because of it) on account of not being able to read any of the packaging, everything he makes is delicious and in Space Mall he was such an instant hit that practically everyone shopping wanted to eat there. And incidentally, one of those wild cooking successes he just barged out into an alien planet and was able to successfully identify and classify what was edible. But clearly that doesn’t take any talent or effort at all right, I’m sure any rube could do the same. 

Hunk was the main man rescuing the Balmera, and it’s not like the Balmerans are longstanding allies or were integral to the plan in season 2. Or like in Ark of Taujeer, he held up that colossal thing singlehandedly several times to the point that he awakened a new ability doing it.

His weapon is a colossal artillery piece that probably weighs about as much as a good-sized dairy calf and he can and has held it one-handed with a relaxed arm.

He was the main person rescuing Allura in s1e11 and they then bailed out Shiro.

On that note: the list of things Hunk has stared down and picked a fight with includes Haggar, and a literal gigantic planet-eating monster with a death laser. The latter he volunteered to fight, utterly unprompted, and got mad at it for ignoring him.

The same episode Keith specifically stated that Hunk’s intelligence was integral to their survival. Hunk also figured out basically everything about how the Weblum worked. 

During the mermaid arc it was made pretty dang clear that a Hunk not holding back could probably destroy each of the other paladins in single combat. If Lance hadn’t had that antidote fish with him he would have been dead, and he was just lucky Hunk kept it to close combat and didn’t pull out his bayard. As it was he just bodily threw Lance around like the guy was made of tissue paper.

And just as a followup I’ll say: This show has seven protagonists. Are we really forgetting this quickly that in season 1 Keith was very much on the back burner and didn’t get a single episode centered on him except maybe s1e10 which he was actively splitting with Shiro and Allura? 

Can we maybe trust Dreamworks and Studio Mir of all people to know how to balance a dang cast?

Especially when you’re sorting Pidge with the “people who got utterly shafted” and Allura with the “people who have everything” but I’ve heard the exact same complaint talking about how Shiro, Keith, and Pidge get all the plots and Allura is someone who gets sold short.

I really can never... get complaints like this. There’s plenty to work with for all the core team, and if you want someone who really hasn’t been developed and remains pretty dang mysterious to us throughout seasons 1 and 2 both, I’d say Coran is a huge candidate in that regard considering dude’s a 600-year-old magical alien and we’ve got peanuts on his history at this point, but almost nobody even mentions him in their diatribes that Lance isn’t getting enough love.

(Which, frankly, my sympathy’s a little dry at this point considering Lance is the fandom darling and you can’t walk five steps into most fanwork without tripping on the kid. But, sure, tell me there’s not nearly enough there for him.)

[jesusvasser]

The 2019 Audi A7 Sportback Goes to Lüderitz

LÜDERITZ, Namibia — The sat-nav says arrival time 12:53 a.m. The man from Audi advises us not to drive after dark because of wild animals. The photographer says let’s get on with it. My inner voice tells me to believe in the power of laser headlights and night vision, so let the impala and springbok play hide and seek if they want.

On the two-lane N7 highway between Citrusdal, South Africa, just north of Cape Town, to Vioolsdrif at the Namibian border, progress is a matter of attitude, aspiration, and ambition. In addition to being on high alert for any wildlife lurking in the bush, we’re also busy dodging underpaid and overly keen asphalt jockeys in charge of slowly disintegrating tour buses, mirrorless vans on a clock-beating mission, and grotesquely overloaded semis. But thanks to some 39 assistance systems and a switched-on driver who can’t spare a single digit to toy with the seductive, colorful touchscreens, the new 2019 Audi A7 cuts through it all with relative ease. When we hit Klawer, about a quarter of the way to Vioolsdrif, the estimated arrival time has lowered to 12:11 am. We’re making headway.

Our destination is the port of Lüderitz on the Namibian coast, founded in 1883 by settlers from Berlin, Dresden, and Cologne. The A7 Sportback 55 TFSI we’re in is fitted with every conceivable extra and then some. It even features double-glazed glass, multicolor ambient lighting, and intelligent wipers with washer jets focusing on the dirtiest spots. Back-seat magnates like The Donald would undoubtedly appreciate modern conveniences such as Twitter access and the pay TV module; owner-drivers are more likely to applaud the fully automatic parking assistance system, which takes the sting out of hungry curbs and tight entry and exit spirals.

Despite the puzzling 55 TFSI badge, the A7’s base powerplant remains Audi’s 3.0-liter turbo V-6, which now delivers 340 horsepower. It’s been thoroughly modified, feels livelier, and plays a catchier tune. The seven-speed S tronic automatic transmission is really on its toes in Sport mode. Eco efforts include a start-stop system that calls it a day below 15 mph, an efficiency program that cuts the engine between 30 and 100 mph under trailing throttle, and a green lift-off symbol in the instrument binnacle, which suggests that now is the time to take it easy.

It’s not only the 340 hp that gets things done but also the torque curve, which peaks at 369 lb-ft between 1,370 and 4,500 rpm—it is as flat as Cape Town’s famous Table Mountain. The Audi collects further brownie points for its ability to accelerate to 60 mph in an estimated 5.2 seconds, its brisk downshift action, ambitious redline that touches 7,000 rpm, and its aggressively spaced third through fifth gears.

Praise is also due to the air suspension that leans the car ever so slightly into the random gusts of crosswind.

Bureaucracy thrives at the border crossing that separates South Africa from Namibia. We’re in a hurry, but the squadron of uniformed state servants on both sides of the barbed wire evidently has all the time in the world. For no good reason at all, we waste almost an hour filling out forms, waiting for stamps, paying fees, and having the vehicle searched. As a result, our ETA has dropped back. No way are we giving in. So let’s fill up the Ara Blue-sprayed hatchback-coupe and get back after it. We’re going to need to rely on the technical improvements that set the new A7 apart from its predecessor: its piercing matrix-laser headlamps, recalibrated air suspension, and rear-wheel steering chief among them. Having fiddled with Drive Select for the past six hours, the preferred configuration locks the drivetrain in Dynamic while the algorithms looking after steering and chassis are left alone. Above 75 mph, the road-hugging sports pack lowers the ride height by another quarter inch or so.

The final leg of the night stage to Lüderitz goes down in the logbook as a real challenge and an eerie experience. What looks like London fog is actually a proper sandstorm, whipping tall, thin curtains across the road and drowning tire and engine noise in pelting spells that sound like a million needles pitting the paintwork to the primer. The curvy highway is littered with tumbleweed and occasional waves of rock-solid drift sand. It’s a baptism of fire for the A7’s rear-wheel steering, which enhances stability and maneuverability depending on how fast you’re going. Praise is also due to the air suspension, which leans the car ever so slightly into the random gusts of crosswind. Although the broad light cone cast by the matrix-laser wonderbeams could almost touch the horizon on a clear night, we’re limited to low-beams in this tempest.

Helping the cause is Audi’s latest, more fuel-efficient Quattro system—dubbed Ultra—effectively all-wheel drive on demand. Rear-wheel drive only activates to support takeoff traction, cornering grip, and handling bias. Acting progressively and imperceptibly, it engages and disconnects in milliseconds. For enhanced road holding and curb appeal, our test car was fitted with 20-inch wheels shod with 255/40 tires. In the previous A7, this setup in combination with the sport suspension would have smashed a set of false teeth to pieces. The second-generation model, however, has learned to ride more smoothly. Like every Audi, this one is still not pleased with transverse irritations, but it no longer absolutely hates potholes, manhole covers, and railroad crossings. The steel brakes deserve applause for prompt response and efficient deceleration, but it also earns a few scattered boos for elevated pedal pressure, which increases with every repeat high-speed action and is accompanied by a certain sponginess over the final 100 yards or so before the vehicle comes to a full stop.

“No, we don’t have Wi-Fi. Talk to each other!” This sign put up at Giesela’s breakfast station down by the sea is not only a mocking shot across the bow of the Facebook crowd but also confirms in writing that digitalization has not yet fully arrived in Lüderitz. Almost everything related to electricity does in fact move at a different pace in this part of Africa. Filling up the car takes around 10 minutes, the streetlights flicker at night like back in the postwar days, and paying with a credit card only works when a favorable internet wind blows.

We were constantly on guard for African wildlife hiding in the bush, and the new Audi A7’s laser headlights and night vision helped us keep a better eye out.

Architectural gems like Villa Goerke, which looks like something that was helicoptered out of Bavaria and dropped into the rugged desert, dot the landscape. Built in 1909 during the diamond rush, it is now a national historic monument. Then there’s Shark Island, an area that has become prime residential property but used to be a German labor camp where thousands died in the early 1900s. It is a lasting symbol of the numerous atrocities committed against indigenous peoples by the colonial powers.

The Germans, who had claimed large chunks of Africa in 1884’s Berlin Conference, were running the show here.

So although not all of the wounds from those dark days have fully healed, there is a special spirit that has developed among the locals, known as Buchters (Bucht is the German word for bay), who pride themselves on living life to the fullest. Many of them are trilingual, fluent in Afrikaans, German, and English.

The A7 is linguistically even more talented. It speaks more than 15 languages and understands every spoken and written word, although it needs a stable web connection to shine, which is as rare as an ice-cream vendor in this scorching part of the world. But even without car-to-infrastructure intelligence, real-time traffic information, and super-precise HERE maps, the in-dash mix of touchscreens, displays, and buttons is pure sensory overload—a potpourri of recurrent distraction and stubborn, smeary fingerprints. Make no mistake: This is a great-looking, beautifully made, and emphatically modern cockpit. But like in an Airbus A320, you almost need a co-pilot to make full use of the car’s diverse talents.

A short distance from Lüderitz is the ghost town of Kolmannskuppe, a series of buildings fighting a losing battle against sand and wind and time. Kolmannskuppe was built between 1908 and 1910 next to the country’s first diamond mine, which yielded more than 5 million carats of gemstone before World War I broke out. The Germans, who had claimed large chunks of Africa in 1884’s Berlin Conference, were running the show here and in Lüderitz. And what a show it must have been. The largely intact wood-paneled town hall houses a theater, cinema, library, bowling alley, restaurant, bar, and gymnasium.

Perhaps the biggest frivolity was the stone-walled saltwater swimming pool the size of a football stadium, which still caps the hill like an ancient helipad for the gods. A guide named William takes us through the buildings. “Goods were transported by horses, boats, and eventually by rail,” he says. “Round about that time, the diamond barons brought in the first motor cars. When a Mercedes or Rolls broke down, it was simply put away while a new one was ordered. Wealth was unreal in those days.” After a short 17-year boom, the miners moved on, and Kolmannskuppe was abandoned by 1956.

Today’s travelers on African roads don’t have the luxury of waiting months for a new car to replace the old one, let alone hours to fix more than one flat tire or a mechanical fault that grounds the vehicle in the middle of nowhere. Then there’s the worst-case scenario, getting in a crash, since the next hospital is more than likely a long drive or flight away. This creates a lingering inner conflict because on both sides of the Namibian tarmac are some of the best sand roads we’ve ever seen. Wiser men would ignore them. But with ESP turned off, it was slide time.

With exactly 13 minutes to spare, the car finally grinds to a halt at the barrier, brakes sizzling, exhaust crackling.

From one moment to the next, Quattro returns with a vengeance, pushing hard to support the struggling, spinning, scraping front wheels. It takes only a couple of corners to find the right rhythm, to make lift-off action bond with turn-in bite, to play the car with steering and throttle, throttle and steering. Drama can multiply in the even lower-grip zone between sand and gravel, where the car’s attitudes, gestures, and stances match a ballet dancer for elegance in motion.

The Lüderitz, Namibia, locals might not yet have fully embraced technology, but the 2019 Audi A7 provides plenty of it.

We leave Lüderitz midafternoon, forking off toward Rosh Pinah then heading for the border at Oranjemund. It’s a shorter yet slower route on twistier roads with older, sun-bleached surfaces. According to the guide book, the border crossing closes at 8 p.m., and there is no listed accommodation this side of South Africa, so time is once more of the essence. We fire up the afterburner, and two hours later, we know for a fact that the A7 55 TFSI tops out at more than 150 mph.

Even through increasingly tight radii, the car keeps carving with poise, prowess, and panache. There is a blind understanding between the steering angles of all four wheels, and the firm ride still shows mercy, holding the line with singing tires. With exactly 13 minutes to spare, the car finally grinds to a halt at the barrier, brakes sizzling, exhaust crackling. Gimme five, mate. And please ignore the sign on the customs building that reads, “From Feb. 1, 2018, this border is open 24/7.”

2019 Audi A7 Sportback Specifications

ON SALE Fall PRICE $70,000 (base) (est) ENGINE 3.0L DOHC 24-valve turbo V-6/340 hp @ 5,000-6,400 rpm,369 lb-ft @ 1,370-4,500 rpm TRANSMISSION 7-speed automatic LAYOUT 4-door, 5-passenger, front-engine, AWD hatchback EPA MILEAGE N/A L x W x H 195.6 x 75.1 x 56.0 in WHEELBASE 115.2 in WEIGHT 4,001 lb from Performance Junk WP Feed 4 https://ift.tt/2kgMski via IFTTT

[jonathanbelloblog]

The 2019 Audi A7 Sportback Goes to Lüderitz

LÜDERITZ, Namibia — The sat-nav says arrival time 12:53 a.m. The man from Audi advises us not to drive after dark because of wild animals. The photographer says let’s get on with it. My inner voice tells me to believe in the power of laser headlights and night vision, so let the impala and springbok play hide and seek if they want.

On the two-lane N7 highway between Citrusdal, South Africa, just north of Cape Town, to Vioolsdrif at the Namibian border, progress is a matter of attitude, aspiration, and ambition. In addition to being on high alert for any wildlife lurking in the bush, we’re also busy dodging underpaid and overly keen asphalt jockeys in charge of slowly disintegrating tour buses, mirrorless vans on a clock-beating mission, and grotesquely overloaded semis. But thanks to some 39 assistance systems and a switched-on driver who can’t spare a single digit to toy with the seductive, colorful touchscreens, the new 2019 Audi A7 cuts through it all with relative ease. When we hit Klawer, about a quarter of the way to Vioolsdrif, the estimated arrival time has lowered to 12:11 am. We’re making headway.

Our destination is the port of Lüderitz on the Namibian coast, founded in 1883 by settlers from Berlin, Dresden, and Cologne. The A7 Sportback 55 TFSI we’re in is fitted with every conceivable extra and then some. It even features double-glazed glass, multicolor ambient lighting, and intelligent wipers with washer jets focusing on the dirtiest spots. Back-seat magnates like The Donald would undoubtedly appreciate modern conveniences such as Twitter access and the pay TV module; owner-drivers are more likely to applaud the fully automatic parking assistance system, which takes the sting out of hungry curbs and tight entry and exit spirals.

Despite the puzzling 55 TFSI badge, the A7’s base powerplant remains Audi’s 3.0-liter turbo V-6, which now delivers 340 horsepower. It’s been thoroughly modified, feels livelier, and plays a catchier tune. The seven-speed S tronic automatic transmission is really on its toes in Sport mode. Eco efforts include a start-stop system that calls it a day below 15 mph, an efficiency program that cuts the engine between 30 and 100 mph under trailing throttle, and a green lift-off symbol in the instrument binnacle, which suggests that now is the time to take it easy.

It’s not only the 340 hp that gets things done but also the torque curve, which peaks at 369 lb-ft between 1,370 and 4,500 rpm—it is as flat as Cape Town’s famous Table Mountain. The Audi collects further brownie points for its ability to accelerate to 60 mph in an estimated 5.2 seconds, its brisk downshift action, ambitious redline that touches 7,000 rpm, and its aggressively spaced third through fifth gears.

Praise is also due to the air suspension that leans the car ever so slightly into the random gusts of crosswind.

Bureaucracy thrives at the border crossing that separates South Africa from Namibia. We’re in a hurry, but the squadron of uniformed state servants on both sides of the barbed wire evidently has all the time in the world. For no good reason at all, we waste almost an hour filling out forms, waiting for stamps, paying fees, and having the vehicle searched. As a result, our ETA has dropped back. No way are we giving in. So let’s fill up the Ara Blue-sprayed hatchback-coupe and get back after it. We’re going to need to rely on the technical improvements that set the new A7 apart from its predecessor: its piercing matrix-laser headlamps, recalibrated air suspension, and rear-wheel steering chief among them. Having fiddled with Drive Select for the past six hours, the preferred configuration locks the drivetrain in Dynamic while the algorithms looking after steering and chassis are left alone. Above 75 mph, the road-hugging sports pack lowers the ride height by another quarter inch or so.

The final leg of the night stage to Lüderitz goes down in the logbook as a real challenge and an eerie experience. What looks like London fog is actually a proper sandstorm, whipping tall, thin curtains across the road and drowning tire and engine noise in pelting spells that sound like a million needles pitting the paintwork to the primer. The curvy highway is littered with tumbleweed and occasional waves of rock-solid drift sand. It’s a baptism of fire for the A7’s rear-wheel steering, which enhances stability and maneuverability depending on how fast you’re going. Praise is also due to the air suspension, which leans the car ever so slightly into the random gusts of crosswind. Although the broad light cone cast by the matrix-laser wonderbeams could almost touch the horizon on a clear night, we’re limited to low-beams in this tempest.

Helping the cause is Audi’s latest, more fuel-efficient Quattro system—dubbed Ultra—effectively all-wheel drive on demand. Rear-wheel drive only activates to support takeoff traction, cornering grip, and handling bias. Acting progressively and imperceptibly, it engages and disconnects in milliseconds. For enhanced road holding and curb appeal, our test car was fitted with 20-inch wheels shod with 255/40 tires. In the previous A7, this setup in combination with the sport suspension would have smashed a set of false teeth to pieces. The second-generation model, however, has learned to ride more smoothly. Like every Audi, this one is still not pleased with transverse irritations, but it no longer absolutely hates potholes, manhole covers, and railroad crossings. The steel brakes deserve applause for prompt response and efficient deceleration, but it also earns a few scattered boos for elevated pedal pressure, which increases with every repeat high-speed action and is accompanied by a certain sponginess over the final 100 yards or so before the vehicle comes to a full stop.

“No, we don’t have Wi-Fi. Talk to each other!” This sign put up at Giesela’s breakfast station down by the sea is not only a mocking shot across the bow of the Facebook crowd but also confirms in writing that digitalization has not yet fully arrived in Lüderitz. Almost everything related to electricity does in fact move at a different pace in this part of Africa. Filling up the car takes around 10 minutes, the streetlights flicker at night like back in the postwar days, and paying with a credit card only works when a favorable internet wind blows.

We were constantly on guard for African wildlife hiding in the bush, and the new Audi A7’s laser headlights and night vision helped us keep a better eye out.

Architectural gems like Villa Goerke, which looks like something that was helicoptered out of Bavaria and dropped into the rugged desert, dot the landscape. Built in 1909 during the diamond rush, it is now a national historic monument. Then there’s Shark Island, an area that has become prime residential property but used to be a German labor camp where thousands died in the early 1900s. It is a lasting symbol of the numerous atrocities committed against indigenous peoples by the colonial powers.

The Germans, who had claimed large chunks of Africa in 1884’s Berlin Conference, were running the show here.

So although not all of the wounds from those dark days have fully healed, there is a special spirit that has developed among the locals, known as Buchters (Bucht is the German word for bay), who pride themselves on living life to the fullest. Many of them are trilingual, fluent in Afrikaans, German, and English.

The A7 is linguistically even more talented. It speaks more than 15 languages and understands every spoken and written word, although it needs a stable web connection to shine, which is as rare as an ice-cream vendor in this scorching part of the world. But even without car-to-infrastructure intelligence, real-time traffic information, and super-precise HERE maps, the in-dash mix of touchscreens, displays, and buttons is pure sensory overload—a potpourri of recurrent distraction and stubborn, smeary fingerprints. Make no mistake: This is a great-looking, beautifully made, and emphatically modern cockpit. But like in an Airbus A320, you almost need a co-pilot to make full use of the car’s diverse talents.

A short distance from Lüderitz is the ghost town of Kolmannskuppe, a series of buildings fighting a losing battle against sand and wind and time. Kolmannskuppe was built between 1908 and 1910 next to the country’s first diamond mine, which yielded more than 5 million carats of gemstone before World War I broke out. The Germans, who had claimed large chunks of Africa in 1884’s Berlin Conference, were running the show here and in Lüderitz. And what a show it must have been. The largely intact wood-paneled town hall houses a theater, cinema, library, bowling alley, restaurant, bar, and gymnasium.

Perhaps the biggest frivolity was the stone-walled saltwater swimming pool the size of a football stadium, which still caps the hill like an ancient helipad for the gods. A guide named William takes us through the buildings. “Goods were transported by horses, boats, and eventually by rail,” he says. “Round about that time, the diamond barons brought in the first motor cars. When a Mercedes or Rolls broke down, it was simply put away while a new one was ordered. Wealth was unreal in those days.” After a short 17-year boom, the miners moved on, and Kolmannskuppe was abandoned by 1956.

Today’s travelers on African roads don’t have the luxury of waiting months for a new car to replace the old one, let alone hours to fix more than one flat tire or a mechanical fault that grounds the vehicle in the middle of nowhere. Then there’s the worst-case scenario, getting in a crash, since the next hospital is more than likely a long drive or flight away. This creates a lingering inner conflict because on both sides of the Namibian tarmac are some of the best sand roads we’ve ever seen. Wiser men would ignore them. But with ESP turned off, it was slide time.

With exactly 13 minutes to spare, the car finally grinds to a halt at the barrier, brakes sizzling, exhaust crackling.

From one moment to the next, Quattro returns with a vengeance, pushing hard to support the struggling, spinning, scraping front wheels. It takes only a couple of corners to find the right rhythm, to make lift-off action bond with turn-in bite, to play the car with steering and throttle, throttle and steering. Drama can multiply in the even lower-grip zone between sand and gravel, where the car’s attitudes, gestures, and stances match a ballet dancer for elegance in motion.

The Lüderitz, Namibia, locals might not yet have fully embraced technology, but the 2019 Audi A7 provides plenty of it.

We leave Lüderitz midafternoon, forking off toward Rosh Pinah then heading for the border at Oranjemund. It’s a shorter yet slower route on twistier roads with older, sun-bleached surfaces. According to the guide book, the border crossing closes at 8 p.m., and there is no listed accommodation this side of South Africa, so time is once more of the essence. We fire up the afterburner, and two hours later, we know for a fact that the A7 55 TFSI tops out at more than 150 mph.

Even through increasingly tight radii, the car keeps carving with poise, prowess, and panache. There is a blind understanding between the steering angles of all four wheels, and the firm ride still shows mercy, holding the line with singing tires. With exactly 13 minutes to spare, the car finally grinds to a halt at the barrier, brakes sizzling, exhaust crackling. Gimme five, mate. And please ignore the sign on the customs building that reads, “From Feb. 1, 2018, this border is open 24/7.”

2019 Audi A7 Sportback Specifications

ON SALE Fall PRICE $70,000 (base) (est) ENGINE 3.0L DOHC 24-valve turbo V-6/340 hp @ 5,000-6,400 rpm,369 lb-ft @ 1,370-4,500 rpm TRANSMISSION 7-speed automatic LAYOUT 4-door, 5-passenger, front-engine, AWD hatchback EPA MILEAGE N/A L x W x H 195.6 x 75.1 x 56.0 in WHEELBASE 115.2 in WEIGHT 4,001 lb from Performance Junk Blogger Feed 4 https://ift.tt/2kgMski via IFTTT

[eddiejpoplar]

The 2019 Audi A7 Sportback Goes to Lüderitz

LÜDERITZ, Namibia — The sat-nav says arrival time 12:53 a.m. The man from Audi advises us not to drive after dark because of wild animals. The photographer says let’s get on with it. My inner voice tells me to believe in the power of laser headlights and night vision, so let the impala and springbok play hide and seek if they want.

On the two-lane N7 highway between Citrusdal, South Africa, just north of Cape Town, to Vioolsdrif at the Namibian border, progress is a matter of attitude, aspiration, and ambition. In addition to being on high alert for any wildlife lurking in the bush, we’re also busy dodging underpaid and overly keen asphalt jockeys in charge of slowly disintegrating tour buses, mirrorless vans on a clock-beating mission, and grotesquely overloaded semis. But thanks to some 39 assistance systems and a switched-on driver who can’t spare a single digit to toy with the seductive, colorful touchscreens, the new 2019 Audi A7 cuts through it all with relative ease. When we hit Klawer, about a quarter of the way to Vioolsdrif, the estimated arrival time has lowered to 12:11 am. We’re making headway.

Our destination is the port of Lüderitz on the Namibian coast, founded in 1883 by settlers from Berlin, Dresden, and Cologne. The A7 Sportback 55 TFSI we’re in is fitted with every conceivable extra and then some. It even features double-glazed glass, multicolor ambient lighting, and intelligent wipers with washer jets focusing on the dirtiest spots. Back-seat magnates like The Donald would undoubtedly appreciate modern conveniences such as Twitter access and the pay TV module; owner-drivers are more likely to applaud the fully automatic parking assistance system, which takes the sting out of hungry curbs and tight entry and exit spirals.

Despite the puzzling 55 TFSI badge, the A7’s base powerplant remains Audi’s 3.0-liter turbo V-6, which now delivers 340 horsepower. It’s been thoroughly modified, feels livelier, and plays a catchier tune. The seven-speed S tronic automatic transmission is really on its toes in Sport mode. Eco efforts include a start-stop system that calls it a day below 15 mph, an efficiency program that cuts the engine between 30 and 100 mph under trailing throttle, and a green lift-off symbol in the instrument binnacle, which suggests that now is the time to take it easy.

It’s not only the 340 hp that gets things done but also the torque curve, which peaks at 369 lb-ft between 1,370 and 4,500 rpm—it is as flat as Cape Town’s famous Table Mountain. The Audi collects further brownie points for its ability to accelerate to 60 mph in an estimated 5.2 seconds, its brisk downshift action, ambitious redline that touches 7,000 rpm, and its aggressively spaced third through fifth gears.

Praise is also due to the air suspension that leans the car ever so slightly into the random gusts of crosswind.

Bureaucracy thrives at the border crossing that separates South Africa from Namibia. We’re in a hurry, but the squadron of uniformed state servants on both sides of the barbed wire evidently has all the time in the world. For no good reason at all, we waste almost an hour filling out forms, waiting for stamps, paying fees, and having the vehicle searched. As a result, our ETA has dropped back. No way are we giving in. So let’s fill up the Ara Blue-sprayed hatchback-coupe and get back after it. We’re going to need to rely on the technical improvements that set the new A7 apart from its predecessor: its piercing matrix-laser headlamps, recalibrated air suspension, and rear-wheel steering chief among them. Having fiddled with Drive Select for the past six hours, the preferred configuration locks the drivetrain in Dynamic while the algorithms looking after steering and chassis are left alone. Above 75 mph, the road-hugging sports pack lowers the ride height by another quarter inch or so.

The final leg of the night stage to Lüderitz goes down in the logbook as a real challenge and an eerie experience. What looks like London fog is actually a proper sandstorm, whipping tall, thin curtains across the road and drowning tire and engine noise in pelting spells that sound like a million needles pitting the paintwork to the primer. The curvy highway is littered with tumbleweed and occasional waves of rock-solid drift sand. It’s a baptism of fire for the A7’s rear-wheel steering, which enhances stability and maneuverability depending on how fast you’re going. Praise is also due to the air suspension, which leans the car ever so slightly into the random gusts of crosswind. Although the broad light cone cast by the matrix-laser wonderbeams could almost touch the horizon on a clear night, we’re limited to low-beams in this tempest.

Helping the cause is Audi’s latest, more fuel-efficient Quattro system—dubbed Ultra—effectively all-wheel drive on demand. Rear-wheel drive only activates to support takeoff traction, cornering grip, and handling bias. Acting progressively and imperceptibly, it engages and disconnects in milliseconds. For enhanced road holding and curb appeal, our test car was fitted with 20-inch wheels shod with 255/40 tires. In the previous A7, this setup in combination with the sport suspension would have smashed a set of false teeth to pieces. The second-generation model, however, has learned to ride more smoothly. Like every Audi, this one is still not pleased with transverse irritations, but it no longer absolutely hates potholes, manhole covers, and railroad crossings. The steel brakes deserve applause for prompt response and efficient deceleration, but it also earns a few scattered boos for elevated pedal pressure, which increases with every repeat high-speed action and is accompanied by a certain sponginess over the final 100 yards or so before the vehicle comes to a full stop.

“No, we don’t have Wi-Fi. Talk to each other!” This sign put up at Giesela’s breakfast station down by the sea is not only a mocking shot across the bow of the Facebook crowd but also confirms in writing that digitalization has not yet fully arrived in Lüderitz. Almost everything related to electricity does in fact move at a different pace in this part of Africa. Filling up the car takes around 10 minutes, the streetlights flicker at night like back in the postwar days, and paying with a credit card only works when a favorable internet wind blows.

We were constantly on guard for African wildlife hiding in the bush, and the new Audi A7’s laser headlights and night vision helped us keep a better eye out.

Architectural gems like Villa Goerke, which looks like something that was helicoptered out of Bavaria and dropped into the rugged desert, dot the landscape. Built in 1909 during the diamond rush, it is now a national historic monument. Then there’s Shark Island, an area that has become prime residential property but used to be a German labor camp where thousands died in the early 1900s. It is a lasting symbol of the numerous atrocities committed against indigenous peoples by the colonial powers.

The Germans, who had claimed large chunks of Africa in 1884’s Berlin Conference, were running the show here.

So although not all of the wounds from those dark days have fully healed, there is a special spirit that has developed among the locals, known as Buchters (Bucht is the German word for bay), who pride themselves on living life to the fullest. Many of them are trilingual, fluent in Afrikaans, German, and English.

The A7 is linguistically even more talented. It speaks more than 15 languages and understands every spoken and written word, although it needs a stable web connection to shine, which is as rare as an ice-cream vendor in this scorching part of the world. But even without car-to-infrastructure intelligence, real-time traffic information, and super-precise HERE maps, the in-dash mix of touchscreens, displays, and buttons is pure sensory overload—a potpourri of recurrent distraction and stubborn, smeary fingerprints. Make no mistake: This is a great-looking, beautifully made, and emphatically modern cockpit. But like in an Airbus A320, you almost need a co-pilot to make full use of the car’s diverse talents.

A short distance from Lüderitz is the ghost town of Kolmannskuppe, a series of buildings fighting a losing battle against sand and wind and time. Kolmannskuppe was built between 1908 and 1910 next to the country’s first diamond mine, which yielded more than 5 million carats of gemstone before World War I broke out. The Germans, who had claimed large chunks of Africa in 1884’s Berlin Conference, were running the show here and in Lüderitz. And what a show it must have been. The largely intact wood-paneled town hall houses a theater, cinema, library, bowling alley, restaurant, bar, and gymnasium.

Perhaps the biggest frivolity was the stone-walled saltwater swimming pool the size of a football stadium, which still caps the hill like an ancient helipad for the gods. A guide named William takes us through the buildings. “Goods were transported by horses, boats, and eventually by rail,” he says. “Round about that time, the diamond barons brought in the first motor cars. When a Mercedes or Rolls broke down, it was simply put away while a new one was ordered. Wealth was unreal in those days.” After a short 17-year boom, the miners moved on, and Kolmannskuppe was abandoned by 1956.

Today’s travelers on African roads don’t have the luxury of waiting months for a new car to replace the old one, let alone hours to fix more than one flat tire or a mechanical fault that grounds the vehicle in the middle of nowhere. Then there’s the worst-case scenario, getting in a crash, since the next hospital is more than likely a long drive or flight away. This creates a lingering inner conflict because on both sides of the Namibian tarmac are some of the best sand roads we’ve ever seen. Wiser men would ignore them. But with ESP turned off, it was slide time.

With exactly 13 minutes to spare, the car finally grinds to a halt at the barrier, brakes sizzling, exhaust crackling.

From one moment to the next, Quattro returns with a vengeance, pushing hard to support the struggling, spinning, scraping front wheels. It takes only a couple of corners to find the right rhythm, to make lift-off action bond with turn-in bite, to play the car with steering and throttle, throttle and steering. Drama can multiply in the even lower-grip zone between sand and gravel, where the car’s attitudes, gestures, and stances match a ballet dancer for elegance in motion.

The Lüderitz, Namibia, locals might not yet have fully embraced technology, but the 2019 Audi A7 provides plenty of it.

We leave Lüderitz midafternoon, forking off toward Rosh Pinah then heading for the border at Oranjemund. It’s a shorter yet slower route on twistier roads with older, sun-bleached surfaces. According to the guide book, the border crossing closes at 8 p.m., and there is no listed accommodation this side of South Africa, so time is once more of the essence. We fire up the afterburner, and two hours later, we know for a fact that the A7 55 TFSI tops out at more than 150 mph.

Even through increasingly tight radii, the car keeps carving with poise, prowess, and panache. There is a blind understanding between the steering angles of all four wheels, and the firm ride still shows mercy, holding the line with singing tires. With exactly 13 minutes to spare, the car finally grinds to a halt at the barrier, brakes sizzling, exhaust crackling. Gimme five, mate. And please ignore the sign on the customs building that reads, “From Feb. 1, 2018, this border is open 24/7.”

2019 Audi A7 Sportback Specifications

ON SALE Fall PRICE $70,000 (base) (est) ENGINE 3.0L DOHC 24-valve turbo V-6/340 hp @ 5,000-6,400 rpm,369 lb-ft @ 1,370-4,500 rpm TRANSMISSION 7-speed automatic LAYOUT 4-door, 5-passenger, front-engine, AWD hatchback EPA MILEAGE N/A L x W x H 195.6 x 75.1 x 56.0 in WHEELBASE 115.2 in WEIGHT 4,001 lb from Performance Junk Blogger 6 https://ift.tt/2kgMski via IFTTT