#like the whole part of grisha being sick if they don’t use their power didn’t really relevant??

[ifeelfreewithoutmyshoes]

I still have some episodes left but I’m feeling kinda meh? about Jesper’s little dream and then acceptance of his power and none of the gambling

[lilisouless]

I try to respect people that don’t like the ending of ruin and rising, but it’s hard cause most of them tend to ignore factual things and fill in the information with their bias.

Cause other than Alina losing and missing her powers, also I don’t really like Leigh’s reasoning for it, but people say that it undoes her character development and, first: powers are a physical thing , they are not related to character.

The the other is “she is sick and lonely just like she was at the start of the book” at the start of the book she was not respected nor believed she was worthy of that, at the end she is loved by the people that know she is alive and respected by everyone else (the ones not on the anti grisha crowd). Also she felt unloved by people that weren’t Mal, at the end of the book the fact that the grisha still wanted her around after losing her powers pretty much made her realize she was loved for herself, not just as a weapon or a symbol.

I’ll let aside the sick part because i don’t recall her being told to be sickly, i assumed she was healthy since the reason of her being sickly not using her powers and she was told to work plenty.

The lonely makes me laugh because, first: in real life actually that’s pretty much how it works after you get married l you get your own place where most of the time you are around only with your partner, kids if you have, and coworkers, while your friends you see them not daily on a non regular schedule unless you live near them. Like, most people live with their partner, not their friends, that’s how marriage works.

But even then, she is far from lonely, not only Mal is there , Misha is too young to be leaving soon, she also spends time with the kids , in RoW they are not around because she didn’t want to endanger them. Also it is told that Nikolai and the grisha actually do visit her often and writes to Genya on a regular basis. She is hardly lonely.

Also people say the lonely argument on the same breath they complain about Mal being revived, when we’ll, he was revived so she wouldn’t end up lonely cause,unless Leigh says otherwise one day, i think she’d go back to fix the orphanage, regardless if Mal was brought back or not. Let me tell you that other author would have just killed Alina off, here she was given a chance to keep living away from the pain of the war. Cause the theme was never “powes rule!” it was how war destroys people, to the point even the people that scape it, like Alina and Mal, don’t get out unharmed, they lost something very dear to them and do their best to live with the aftermath. Also, by this point the darkling has been revived three freaking years after his killing on a ritual i still don’t understand, so you will have to get over Mal being revived by now.

Also, she doesn’t spend all her alone time being nostalgic about her powers, other than working she finds joy in painting. People only focus on the ending about Alina’s powers but not that she started doing maps for the army and ended up doing paintings for herself and the kids that once were like her.

Like, you can dislike it, but i haven’t seen arguments against it that don’t contradict the canon , if get if you don’t like it you won’t read it often or try to remember it. But you can double check if you are going to say why it’s a bad ending and then give reasons that contradict what’s actually told.

I have said many times that i wished she kept her powers, my problems with that are Leigh’s external reasoning (which I am very skeptical on ) but it’s far from bad writing or undoing her whole journey: she is one of the few characters allowed to somehow have the chance of getting back the childhood she lost (compared to Genya,Inej or Kaz). The good things she did are still there, the things she learned are still there, going back to where she started would be her on a place she holds no power and feels marginalized, where she ended up on a place she is in charge and loved.

[cheekygreenty]

Little Witch - Part 4

The Darkling x Reader

You stood still for a long time, pondering over what to tell him. There was so much he didn't know and so much you didn't want to share. You needed him to ask specific questions. You really couldn't afford to let your mouth run.

'Okay.'

You sat down at the end of your bed, fiddling with your hands. You felt nervous now. Should you lie? Was it worth feeling his wrath at a later date for a couple more months of peace? For a brief second your eyes went to his hands. The hands that can do unspeakable things, that can inflict the worst pain and kill in an instant. But they can also do other things too. You craved the power he possessed because you knew you could have it again one day.

'What happened that day?' He said softly, still not moving from his place beside the door.

You had imagined this day thousands of times, finally seeing your Aleksander, him asking you where you went. What happened. You gave the same answer every time. It was memorized and clung in the back of your mind. Yet now, finding yourself in the dream you lived over and over countless times, you were stuck for words. You didn't know where to start even though it was obvious, start at the beginning. Your palms were sweating now and your breath became erratic.

'Well ummm-' you were uncomfortable. Your walls were breaking down. He always had this effect on you. Get yourself together you fool.

‘-It wasn't my fault. I swear it. I don't know what you've heard but I swear on the Saints I didn't mean for it to happen.' You became frantic and words were coming out of your mouth unfiltered.

'Y/N what are you talking about?!'

'When I went to look for those Grisha that day, near the Fjerdan border, there was a scuffle. One of the villagers knew what I was, started getting in my face. He wouldn't stop talking and screaming about how horrid I was; about how disgusting I was. I- It happened before I knew it I swear, I didn't wish anybody any harm.'

I'm not like you.

'I didn't mean for it to happen, I pushed myself and got cocky. I lost all control.' A tear slipped out of your eye.

'Y/N It's okay, it's over no-'

'No. You need to know what happened, you wanted to know and I'll tell you.' You wiped the tear and went on, your eyes focused on your hands.

'He was cut in half by the time his daughter started running for the door.-' You gave a weak laugh.

'- and then I went after her. and her mother. her brother. their neighbors. Everybody. Even my own kind. My own Grisha.' You were sobbing, hearty cries left your throat. 'There was nobody left.'

You had killed before but never like this. This was completely unmotivated, there was no reason to obliterate a whole village. You could still remember every detail, the smell of copper in the air and the labored last breaths. With shame, you could also remember the buzz of power and how euphoric it felt.

'I have seen red, Aleksander. And 98 years later I'm still having nightmares about my doings. I don't know what happened. I swear. All my abilities vanished after it. I was just a murderous otkazat’sya standing in a village of dead bodies. I was exactly what he said I was.'

'Why didn't you come back to me?' His voice was strained, sad. He moved closer to you but you refused to look at him. You sniffed.

'I tried. I got close. But then Baghra sent me a lovely message. It was simple. 'Don't come back'. An inferni managed to escape me but not before being killed by your sweet mother for knowing what had happened-'

You finally look at him. He looked heartbroken, but not for all those people you killed; for you. His hands reached for your fumbling ones. A feeling of warmth and confidence spread through you while the guilt grew.

'-I believe my massacre was covered up very well though, what was it again? Oh yes, the Druskelle attacked and left no survivors? burned down the remnants? I can only imagine what would happen if the truth got out, what would the King think? He would have your head on a spike before I even came back.'

'They told me you were dead. That the Druskelle killed you on sight.'

His thumb caressed your hand, trying to soothe you. Truth was, there was no soothing to do. You faced the facts of your experience, or rather inexperience, a long time ago. You were dangerous when you couldn't control yourself; when anger and arrogance took over. You don't have the luxury of being a normal person with the ability to feel when you needed to feel. You never will, no matter the control you have.

'Well, you know now.' You stood up and got away from him. He was an amplifier, whatever you felt without him, you felt x10 more when he touched you.

'What did you do next?'

'I hid. It wasn't hard. Nobody knew what I looked like. I wasn't a Grisha in anybody's eyes, not even mine. I grew weak and sick since I had no power to use. It went on like that for 2 years until I came across a heartrenderer near Poliznaya. I was on the verge of death, he tried to help, and as soon as he touched me I flipped the card. He was gasping for air while my body felt like my body again. I ran off before I had any more blood on my hands.'

'Is that when you started seeking out other Grisha?' He was trying to follow along. He was intently listening and not interrupting. You were surprised he wasn't mad that you killed his Grisha in cold blood.

'No. I went to Shu Han. Learned to fight. To survive without the comfort of the Little Palace or a hospital ward.' The Little Palace and its luxuries spoiled you beyond repair. Aleksander made sure you had everything you ever needed, except the one thing you needed most: self-control training. He tended to subdue you, but you couldn't blame him, not after all you've done.

He reached for you once again.

'You're safe now Darling. I'm not judging you. I wouldn't dare.'

You didn't know whether to run into his arms or move as far back as you could. You always tied his darkness, his shadows, to the event that took place. His shadows were what you killed with and it was his power that brought you over the edge yet you still craved it regardless.

But for the first time since yesterday, his mere touch and comfort were needed more than his power. His arms enveloped your waist and pulled you into him. You finally relaxed. You could hear his heart pounding in his chest through his thick kefta. You allowed yourself this moment to block out the world. It was just you and him, the Darkling and the Witch.

'Y/N, you have no idea how much I have missed you.' He whispered into your hair and held you tighter, his true emotions showing.

It wasn't long before you broke away from Aleksander and awkwardly stared at him.

'Okay.......I'm done talking for today' you joked with a sad smile. Your tears now completely dried on your face but your eyes still puffy. Aleksander took this as a very clear sign to leave. Although the last thing he wanted was to leave you alone in this state, something told him you knew how to handle yourself.

'Alright then, I shall leave you to it' He about to head for the door when he remembered what brought him to your room in the first place.

'Y/N?'

'Yes?'

'Impressive kefta orders might I say. Should I be alarmed?' Fedyor must have reported to him right away when he heard your requests for the seamstress. You rolled your eyes and let out a genuine laugh. Aleksander's heart skipped a beat.

'I'm making up for lost time'

'I'm hoping' His words carried a weight you didn't expect and didn't acknowledge.

'Do you wish to dine with the rest of the Grisha?'

'Where would I sit? I'm sure my chair has been removed.' You once had a proud chair next to The Darkling. He never dared put you into a single Grisha order, much like your keftas, he always went along with your idea to not conform.

'I can bring it back if you like.'

'Maybe next time, I'll eat here for now'

'Alone?'

'Yes.' you breathed.

'Very well. '

'Goodbye General.' You mocked and seen a smirk on his beautiful face. You missed him too.

------------------------------------------------------------

Part 5

@xceafh @fire-in-her-veinz @cleverzonkwombatsludge @wizardwheezes @aleksanderwh0r3 @tomhollandisabae @hotleaf-juice @justmesadgirl

[number63liveblogs]

Six of Crows, Chapter 23: Jesper

“You act like you were born in the Barrel like Kaz[“]

The joke is, of course, that Kaz was not in fact born in the Barrel.

Also, I can’t help but to notice that Wylan didn’t answer Jesper when he asked why Wylan left his father. There’s definitely something there. Enough that Wylan still hasn’t had a point of view chapter yet. The book has been hiding things from the reader, even when the character is the point of view like Jesper being a Grisha, so I bet it’s something big, something that the author couldn’t write around. I bet it’ll come up at the most convenient or inconvenient time.

And speaking of Jesper being a Grisha. It might be that he doesn’t have much natural talent for Fabricator work, but we saw in the last series that Grisha powers are a part of the person. Not using them makes the Grisha sick, and when they do want to access their powers it’s exceedingly difficult. Just like for Jesper here.

“Sure, I’m skinny,” he said as they hurried back through the stables, “but I stay drier in the rain.”

This sure does sound different in the light of his repressed powers, doesn’t it? I bet it isn’t that he’s naturally skinny or skinny because of his way of life, it’s a symptom of him not using his Grisha powers.

I understand why he has had to hide this part of himself, but… It has robbed Nina of having someone who understands her on a level someone who doesn’t share her powers does. I don’t blame Jesper, I just think the whole situation is very sad.

Also. In the real life, mixing chlorine and ammonia makes mustard gas which can kill you. Never mix chlorine or any kind of bleach with anything.

[vanilla-vivillon]

So since y’all seemed to like Kanej kid, let’s do Zoyalai kid. Also David isn’t dead in this because it is to sad

||ROW SPOILERS||

TW, this has brief mentions of infertility and describes labor, nothing to graphic just talks about how painful it is

After the wedding zoya and Nikolai were both excited to start a family

Nikolai; while he adores his sister Linnea and his father, never really was able to grow up in a loving household

He never wanted that for his children

He and Vasily had a horrible relationship growing up and he wanted to di everything in his power to make sure his kids had a healthy sibling relationship

Zoya on the other hand never really thought she’d have kids

Before everything went down she kinda assumed she’d work as a general and work to help Grisha

She never thought she’d have children

That obviously had to change

The country needed heirs

Zoya already decided that since she was probably gonna live a loooooong time, when her heir came of age she would step down; that way she wouldn’t love for a super long time.

Now that Zoya was gonna have children she wasn’t honestly sure about

What if they hold her back?

What if she gives up to many duties for them?

But higher the all these other worries she didn’t want to turn into her own mother

No matter how much Nikolai assured her that never will happen

Zoya still had worries

Zoya was a lot of things but motherly she was not

Nevertheless in February Zoya and Nikolai told there friends they were expecting

They were all incredibly happy for them

Tamar loved children although she herself didn’t want any and couldn’t wait to teach the kid things like how to ride a horse or shoot

Tolya objected saying the kid should be well educated on poatry and great works that way the Nazyalensky dynasty might be somewhat pious

Genya was hoping for a girl. Genya and David had there son Forrest earlier that year and Genya was already planning play dates

David was happy for his friends and had already started on projects for toys for the kid

When they wrote Mal and Alina they were ecstatic

While Mal gave tips on how to handle babies to Nikolai

Alina with her wiles and years of friendship with Zoya figured out all the way from Keramzin Zoya was worried

She wrote “Zoya babe imma cut to the chase, your nervous, your scared, your probably worried you’ll turn out to be a horrible mother. And imma tell you your not. Cause you’ve got an amazing freaking team. You’ve got Nikolai, Magnus, Linnea, and Genya and David, the twins, and of course myself. There’s no way in hell we’d let you turn out horrible to the kid. We’ve got you”

It helped Zoya a lot

She decided it was orphan wiles that Alina used to diagnose her exact problem from the letter she wrote to her

And Zoya did have wonderful people to help her

She wasn’t alone

Zoya had been trying to remember that more

Three months along Zoya was safely into Trmester two and it was time to tell the public

This was crucial to the monarchy

While zoya and Nikolai were popular

They needed an heir to convive people of the security of the nation

They made a public speech announcing the baby and Ravka went wild

If there’s one thing Ravkans know how to do it’s rally around babies

Letter came pouring in from name suggestions to old wives tales

They said Rosemary made the baby healthier

They said they should name there child Plumje

Well the Plumje comment was from some Kerch girl Zoya found strange but never mind that

The announcement was huge

The people had hope

Hope that wolves wouldn’t come knocking

Hope that there boys and girls wouldn’t be drafted

Hope for peace

While the people rejoiced Zoyas pregnancy was getting tougher

She had a easy enough first trimester but the second? That was rough

The morning sickness was bad

Her Healer; a no nonsense Fjerdan Women said that the vomiting wasn’t something that could be healed

And so Zoya suffered on

Zoya insisted on keeping her normal schedule

Her usual meetings with Grisha and the spy’s

Passive agressive letters to the Kerch

Aggressive aggressive letters to the shu

And trying to figure out whether or not there was a revolution group in the Wandering Isle

Zoyas schedule was already stressed and the baby wasn’t helping

Eventually her healer; Monika, put her foot down

“Your Magesty” She started “if you do not alleviate your stress I guarantee your pregnancy will be worse”

“Look Monika I can handle a little throw up”

Monika and Zoya attended the little palace together

While Monika was a healer and back then the animosity between corporalki and etherealki were high, they were friends

It was good to have a powerful healer in your corner when half the little palace hates you

And it was good to have a powerful squaller in your corner when your Fjerdan and in enemy territory

“Zoya you are endangering your child” Monika stated

By this statement Nikolai had enough

And zoya finally listened

Nikolai assumed some of her duties and Zoya started to feel a bit better

Her second trimester was stressful for there relationship

Nikolai had a hard time understanding zoya

And Zoyas fears started to grow

But they were a good couple

And they worked through tension before

Zoya opened up about her worries of being a competent queen with a child

She leaned on Nikolai more

And they worked together to fix the damage

By the end of her second trimester there relationship was healthier

And they thought the third couldn’t be as bad

In a way they were right

Her morning sickness while still present was significantly less then her second trimester

However I new thing arose

A question that everyone had been thinking

“What if the baby is Grisha?”

The Ravkans had accepted a Grisha queen

But a Grisha dynasty was another thing

Monika told them outright that the baby was probably Grisha

Being Grisha tended to run in families

And Zoya was fairly sure her paternal grandmother was also a squaller

The whole science of Grisha heritage wasn’t studied well

Most Grisha were in Ravka in the second army

And most of the soldiers don’t have children

Zoya also learned her new found ability to sense Grisha wasn’t fool proof

Sometimes she couldn’t tell at all

And in Genyas case of being somewhere between a corporalki and materialki, she couldn’t tell what she was

She also couldn’t sense anything in Forrest Kostyk

That meant they couldn’t rely on Zoyas power

Nikolai couldn’t help but think tracing heritage would be easier if he wasn’t a bastard

His mother’s line was easy

She was a Fjerdan princess so he could trace everything back from the very start

And from his mother not a drop of Grisha blood ran through his veins

His fathers got murky

Magnus didn’t come from nobility

He was self made

A self made orphan

So other then his father neither he nor Magnus knew anything about Grisha influence

Nevertheless they had other worries

Zoya was in her third trimester and was going to give birth any minute now

Zoya honestly didn’t think she would make it this far

And that has nothing to do with her fears of motherhood

Her own mother had four miscarriages

Pregnancy complications were common

Especially in Ravka where most couldn’t afford mediks

But now that the due date was fast approaching Zoya was in fact okay

Zoya can handle pain, she’s handled much worse

Labor was one of the least of her worries

The due date was October eighth

And on time and punctual Zoya went into labor during lunch

Nikolai joked it would be a good trait for a ruler to show up on time

However Zoya was in to much pain to think about a snarky retort

She had vastly underestimated how much this would hurt

The pain was blinding

But Zoya was strong enough to survive the fall

And so in 3:07 PM son October eighth

Prince Mycanae Juris Nazyalensky was born (prounounced My-kuh-nay-uh because I threw some random vowels together and made it a name)

Myca (My Kuh) for short

With a tuft of chocolate brown hair and beautiful hazel eyes he shone

Nikolai absolutely adored him

He would rock him and sing him lullabies

But mostly tell him stories

About the amazing Privateer Sturmhond

Of the allusive Juris

Of the little termite

Zoya in the other hand had a different approach to there newborn

When he first cried she was elated

Zoya didn’t hold back the tears of happiness and didn’t even swear the healers to secrecy after

Zoya was the epitome of

“Oh god it’s a baby, as I holding him wrong? Does he have the right clothes on? He’s so fragile and precious”

Monika had to tell her three times that Myca’s crib was fine for him and it wasn’t to hard

However the family’s elation was short lived

They were a family

But they were also the rulers of Ravka

And Ravka needed to see the face of there hope

Four hours after his birth Nikolai presented him before the nobility

Zoya still wasn’t feeling to great and Nikolai Insisted he could do it

This is what the Ravkans needed

The baby met stability

Met peace

For once in many years the people could lay down in there beds without fear

But to Zoya and Nikolai

There baby wasn’t a political tool

Or a savior

He was just a baby

A perfect

Small

Baby

This is what love does.

Im really proud of myself for accomplishing this. I worked really hard on it and to keep our characters in canon. My ask box is open and n do any Grishaverse asks

If this gets 25 likes I’ll do a part two 😉

I defo think Nikolai and Zoya would have more then one kid

Also I kid you not I couldn’t find any good names for the life of me so I eventually took a break and was doing my History homework when I was reading some old Greek thing and saw the word “Mycenae” and was like “Yeah I can massively mispronounce this and make it a name”

Here is part two https://dablackdahlia.tumblr.com/post/651104016423583744/the-black-dahlia

I also made a Kanej kid one here

[in-my-feels-probably]

INEFFABLE - Kaz Brekker

Chapter Ten

If you would like to read this on Wattpad, it’s on there as well, my @ is in_my_feels_probably and there’s a few visuals and better descriptions and stuff on there. otherwise, enjoy, let me know what you think, and you can check out my masterlist for updates and more. don’t forget to read the prologue, it’s important to the story!

INEFFABLE – Kaz Brekker

ineffable (adj.) too great to be expressed in words, utterly indescribable; too sacred to speak of. 

Chapter Ten

The Crows quickly navigated the palace halls, trying to get to Jesper at the meeting point as quickly as they could. He was supposed to be waiting outside the escape route, standing watch, overlooking the carriages, which was their escape plan, and Elham was praying he was ok and waiting for them so she could get as far away from the Little Palace as possible.

She was cursing herself the whole way, punishing herself for not getting Alina away from the Darkling. She didn't have much time to ponder how colossally they had failed, or how pissed Kaz was going to be for her not telling him that she was an Inferni, although he would have plenty of time to sulk on the way home, because he had finally led them outside, spotting Jesper.

They trudged over to him, Kaz now very obviously limping, and Elham looked even more worried than Jesper did.

"Wow, Elham. I've never seen you in a dress. Interesting."

She sent a glare his way, and he immediately reeled back.

What happened, you ok?"

Inej's face lit up. "She's real, Jesper. She made the light sing."

Kaz grumbled next to Elham. "We lost her."

Jesper chuckled, turning towards the carriage, a smile on his face, his voice full of amusement.

"Did we?"

Kaz squinted his eyes, before speaking. "Well, we don't know where she is."

Jesper was still chuckling. "Don't we?"

Elham froze, before catching up to Jesper, spinning him around by his jacket.

"What can I do for you, love?"

"Jesper, very much not the time for you to be joking. What do you mean?"

"Just ask."

"Jesper!" Elham let a flame pool in her palm, and Jesper immediately gasped, taking a step back.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that."

Kaz stepped up as they began climbing into the carriage. "We don't have time for this, just get in, and you can give us all a very well deserved explanation."

His tone was menacing, and Elham sunk into her seat she had taken next to Inej.

"Do we have a fix on where the target is?"

Jesper glanced towards the back of the carriage, before smiling, snapping the reigns. The carriage jolted forward, and they began making their way off the palace grounds.

---

It had been a few minutes of riding in silence, and the air was thick with tension. Elham pretended not to notice Inej's glances toward her hands she had clenched in her lap. Jesper kept glancing over his shoulder at her, but she wouldn't meet his eyes.

Kaz hadn't turned around once, eyes set straight ahead.

Jesper finally broke the silence. "So...do you want to tell me what the hell that was?"

Elham took a deep breath, willing herself not to cry. Through clenched teeth, she spoke. "I'm an Inferni."

"Well that's obvious, love. I think we all gathered that. Why the hell didn't any of us know? And why show us now?"

Elham thought back to the orphanage she grew up in, to being tested and taken to the Little Palace. Meeting Nina, training with Baghra, finding out about the Darkling. Escaping and coming to Ketterdam. Going through a year of pain, meeting Kaz and becoming part of the Dregs, then the Crows, part of a family.

Kaz still hadn't turned around, but she knew he was listening. Inej had turned to face her, contently listening.

"Ok, ok, alright. You all know I'm an orphan, I grew up in Karamzin until I was 10 or so. I don't know who my parents are, what happened to them, or why they didn't want me, I just know I was born in Novyi Zem and I was taken to the orphanage, and I lived there till the Grisha came to test the new children. They tested me, and took me to the Little Palace to become part of the Second Army, to start training."

Jesper turned around slightly, eyeing her. "You're telling me you lived here, and didn't wanna tell us any vital information to get us inside?"

"I didn't want you to know, ok! It wasn't exactly the best time of my life here."

"Why not?" Elham felt a tear roll down her cheek, and quickly wiped it away. "I'm an Inferni, but I'm not like the rest of them. They have to use something to create a spark, they can't just summon it like I can. The problem is, it's unpredictable. I never got a hold on it, so they would rarely let me use it in training. I had to learn physical combat skills instead, which did actually come in handy in the Barrel."

Inej had grabbed Elham's hand now, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Kaz had slightly turned in her direction.

"Anyways, everyone thought I was a freak, people were scared of me, they didn't want to be around me. Besides Nina."

Kaz fully turned around towards her at that, and you could almost detect a tone of hurt in his voice. What else hadn't she told him? "Really? You know Nina?"

"Knew. I haven't seen her since I was 13. She was one of my only friends in the Little Palace, and even then, I hardly saw her. Etherealki don't interact much with Corporalki, each type of Grisha generally sticks to their own order. Nina left before me though, she was quite skilled, and the Second Army needed new soldiers. I wasn't anywhere near ready, so I was left alone. Baghra took a liking to me, and made me her personal project."

Inej quipped up. "Who's Baghra?"

Elham's lips turned to a frown. "The Darkling's mother."

"What? Isn't the Darkling like a hundred years old?"

"Yes. And so is she. He just plays her off as an older mentor that had joined when he first came into service for the King. Which wasn't in the past hundred years, by the way."

Jesper sounded exasperated. "What does that mean?"

Elham almost laughed, and she would have if there wasn't a pit in her stomach and she felt like she could burst into tears at any moment.

"The Darkling, and the Black Heretic...they're the same person. He's been faking his death every few hundred years and coming into the service of a new King, now he serves the Lantsov line. I'm sure he was alive when the first Lantsov became King, he's that old, and so is Baghra."

Inej gasped, her face going pale. "The Black Heretic, the one who created the Fold...the Darkling did that?"

"Yes."

Kaz finally spoke up. "How the hell could you possibly know all of this? I find it hard to believe someone decided to tell all of this to a 13 year old girl."

Elham narrowed her eyes at him. "They didn't have a choice. Baghra had to tell me, it was the only way she could get me to leave."

Jesper was pinching the bridge of his nose. "Saints, Elham, alright, I'm gonna need you to explain a little bit better than that."

Elham nodded, sitting up straighter. "As I said earlier, Baghra started watching over me. She didn't like the idea of a Grisha not being able to defend themself. So she made me choose a weapon, and master it. She had me running drills, practicing sun up to sun down. Saints, I've never been as tired as I was training with her."

Elham chuckled, but it was pained, and her smile didn't meet her eyes. "She taught me some ways to try and control my powers, but I would never be as good with them as I was with a sword, and I think she knew that, so she let me master it before she started training me with my powers. We would practice away from the other Grisha, she didn't want me distracted. One day, the Darkling sat in on my training."

She took a deep breath, attempting to calm herself. "He never told me why he was there, and Baghra lied and said he just liked to check in on the training sessions every once in a while. It's awful to say, but Saints, I would have done anything to have people look at me like he did when he watched me use my powers. He didn't look at me like I was some freak of nature, he saw my potential. I was so naive, I should have known."

Kaz was intently staring at Elham, watching the emotions change in her face. "Know what?"

"That he wanted to use me. My powers are different, I can summon them whenever I want, and the more I used them, the stronger I got. I could blaze down a whole forest if I wanted to and not even break a sweat. He made sure Baghra was teaching me to control them, and then he started taking me to training sessions himself, asking me questions."

Kaz's jaw was clenched. "Like what?"

"Like if I was scared of his powers. Or if I was sick of people looking down on me. When I started getting a grip on my powers, he took me from training out into the forest to practice more. And then...he--"

Elham choked down a cry, rubbing her hand down her face. "He wanted to see if he could use my powers with his. He had me create a flame, and he would twist darkness into it, making the flame grow. He could pull the flame towards him, moving it without me having to. Saints only know what I could have done with an amplifier."

"What's an amplifier?"

"An object that a Grisha can use to enhance their power. The Darkling is one himself, he was by far the best method to me controlling my powers."

Inej squeezed Elham's hand again. "I don't understand, why'd he take such interest in you?"

Elham couldn't stop the tears from falling this time. "He wanted to use my powers and his in the Fold. He wanted to light the whole thing up. It would have been a mountain of fire and darkness. He never wanted to destroy the fold, he wanted to make it a weapon." She chuckled darkly. "I didn't want to believe Baghra when she told me. I was just beginning to feel like I belonged, and it felt like she was ripping that away from me. I'm not completely heartless, though, I never would have let him use me like that. I have no love for Ravka, but I could never add to his incessant need for destruction and power. I escaped, and never thought about coming back."

Jesper laid a hand on her knee. "I'm sorry you had to come back."

She gave him a small smile. "It's alright. I think I needed to. I needed to face this, I needed to face him. Besides, I had to at least try and get Alina out. When you all went into the palace, and I had to try and find another way in, I took the trail I used to escape. It led right to Baghra's hut, she's the one who helped me get inside the palace. I had to see if what everyone was saying was true, if the Sun Summoner was real, so I went to her."

Elham was actually smiling now, and Kaz's shoulders eased at the sight of it. "You know, she was the one who gave me the sword. The one I had all those years in Ketterdam."

The smile faded. "The one Pekka Rollins broke. I had almost forgotten about that."

Kaz watched her face fall, and despite himself, his heart clenched at the sight. She continued.

"Baghra told me that I needed to get Alina out, and I promised her I would. That kind of power in the hands of the Darkling, it would be catastrophic...oh, Saints!"

"What?"

"Baghra! If Alina escaped, the Darkling is going to find out who let her go, who told her about him. He's ruthless, he'd kill his own mother. If anything happens to her..."

Elham trailed off, unable to speak. Despite not knowing the right thing to say, Kaz couldn't bear to watch her in pain, and watch her sit there suffering. He hesitated then spoke.

"You know, she is the Darkling's mother. She's survived all of these years before him, I'm sure she'll long outlive him. If she's anything like how you talk about her, she has nothing to worry about."

Elham sniffed, nodding at him gratefully. "So...now you all know, I guess. About me, and everything. Surprise?"

Inej let out a laugh, and Jesper was grinning. "Hey, El...want to know another surprise?"

She eagerly nodded, directing her attention to him. He glanced around at the Crows, leaning in. "The Sun Summoner? She may or not be in the back of the carriage in the trunk. Allegedly, of course."

There was silence for a few moments, and nobody moved, stunned. Elham just stared at Jesper, who was grinning like a fool. Kaz relaxed against his seat, his lips curled into the smallest grin.

"Well. Maybe there are Saints after all."

---

A/N - hi guys, i'm really excited to get into the stuff i've had planned since before starting this story, i've got a lot of elham and kaz content coming, hope y'all are ready for it all. let me know what you thought, feel free to reach out, and thank you for the support!

[him-e]

what did you think of shadow and bone? have you read the books? i only read the duology

Thoughts on Shadow and Bone, now that you've probably seen it?

I think the show is alright? It lacks a real wow factor as far as I’m concerned, but it’s enjoyable. It’s especially enjoyable in those parts I didn’t anticipate to like / didn’t even know would be there. 

Whereas the main selling points leave a lot to be desired.

The good stuff: the visuals. The aesthetic. The overall concept. Production, casting and costumes are excellent, the setting is fascinating. The worldbuilding isn’t perfect and is sometimes confusing, which is probably due to the show jumping ahead of the books and introducing elements that happen much later in the book saga, but I’m loving the vague steampunk-y vibe of it mixed with more typical fantasy stuff and slavic-inspired lore, the fact that it’s set in dystopian Russia rather than your usual ye olde England.

I find it interesting that in this ‘verse the Grisha are simultaneously superstars, privileged elite, legendary creatures and despised outcasts, according to the context and the type of magic they wield. It’s A Lot, and so far it’s all a bit underdeveloped and messy, like a patchwork of different narratives and tropes sewn together without an organic worldbuilding structure. (there are hints to a past when they were hunted, but how did they go from that to being, essentially, an institutionalized asset to the government isn’t clear yet. There’s huge narrative potential in this, and I hope future seasons will delve into those aspects)

Many of the supporting characters are surprisingly solid. I appreciated that Genya and Zoya eventually sort of traded places, subverting the audience’s assumptions about them and their own character stereotypes, despite the little screentime they were given.

Breakout characters/ships for me were Nina/Matthias, and even more so the Crows, i.e. the stuff I didn’t see coming and knew nothing about (having only read the first book). (I thought the entire Crows subplot was handled in a somewhat convoluted way, at least in the first episodes; it was hard to keep track of who wanted Alina and why, but the Crows’ chemistry is so strong it carried the whole Plot B on its shoulders).

HELNIK. As an enemies to lovers dynamic, Helnik was SUPER on the nose, I’d say bordering on clichéd with the unapologetic, straight outta fanfiction use of classic tropes like “we need to team up to survive” and “there’s only one bed and we’ll freeze to death if we don’t take our conveniently damp clothes off and keep each other warm with the heat of our naked bodies” (not that I’m complaining, but i like to pine for my ships a bit before getting to the juicy tropetown part, tyvm). And then they’re suddenly on opposite sides again because of a tragic misunderstanding - does Bardugo hate high-conflict dynamics? It certainly seems so, because between Helnik and Darklina I’m starting to see a pattern where the slow burn and blossoming mutual trust is rushed and painted in broad, stereotypical strokes to get as fast as possible to the part where they *hate each other again* and that’s... huh. Something.

^That’s probably why I’m almost more interested in Kaz x Inej, because their relationship feels a bit more nuanced, a bit more mysterious, and a bit more unpredictable. (I didn’t bother spoiling myself about them, so I really don’t know where they’re going, but it’s refreshing to see a dynamic that the narrative isn’t scrambling to define in one direction or the other as quickly as possible)

-

Now, as for Darklina VS Malina... I found exactly what I expected. 

Both are ship dynamics I’m, on principle, very much into (light heroine/dark villain, pining friends to lovers) but both are also much less interesting than they claim to be, or could have been with different narrative choices. I’ll concede that the show characters are all more fleshed out and likable than their book counterparts, and the cringe parts I vaguely remembered from the books played out differently. And, well, Ben Barnes dominates the scene, he’s hot as HELL, literally every single second he’s on screen is a fuck you to Bardugo’s attempts to make his character lame and uninteresting and I’m LOVING it, lol.

But yeah, B Barnes aside, Darklina is intrinsically, deliberately made to be unshippable. 

It makes me mad, because it’s - archetypally speaking - made of shipping dynamite: yin/yang-sun and moon, opposites attract, COMPLEMENTARY POWERS AND SO ON. And what does Bardugo do with these ingredients? A FUCKING DELIBERATE DISASTER:

^ Placing the kiss so early on (season 1, episode five) effectively kills the romantic tension that was (correctly) building up until that point, and leaves the audience very little to still hope for, in terms of emotional evolution of the dynamic. 

Bardugo lays all the good stuff down as early and quickly as possible (the bonding, the conflicted attraction, the recognizing the other as one’s equal, etc) only to turn the tables and pull the rug so y’all sick creepyshippers won’t have anything to look forward to, because THEY’VE ALREADY HOOKED UP AND THAT BELONGS TO THE PAST, IT’S OVER, THEY’RE ENEMIES. This, combined to the fact that she falls for him *without* knowing who he really is, is the opposite of what I want from a heroine/villain ship (it’s basically lovers to enemies, and while that can be valid too, I wanted to see more pining and more prolonged, tormented symbolic attraction to the Shadow/Animus on Alina’s part). 

But here’s the trick: it’s not marketed as lovers to enemies - it has all the aesthetics and trappings of an enemies to lovers (the Darkling is, from the get go, villain-presenting, starting from his name), so it genuinely feels like a trollfic, or at the very least a cautionary tale *against* shipping the heroine with the tall dark brooding young villain, and I don’t think it’s cool at all. It makes the story WAY less interesting, because it humanizes the villain early on (when it’s not yet useful or poignant to the story, because it’s unearned) but it’s a red herring. The real plot twist is that the villain shouldn’t be sympathized with, just defeated: there’s a promise of nuanced storytelling, that is quickly denied and tossed aside. So is the idea of incorporating your Shadow (a notion that Bardugo must be familiar with, otherwise she wouldn’t have structured Alina and the Darkling as polar opposites who complement each other, but that she categorically refutes)

Then we have Malina. The good ship.

Look, I’m not that biased against it. I don’t want to be biased on principle against a friends to lovers dynamic that antagonizes a heroine/villain one, because every narrative is different, and for personal reasons I can deeply relate to the idea of being (unspeakably) in love with your best friend. So there are aspects of Malina that I can definitely be into, but it troubles me that in this specific context it’s framed as a regression. It’s Alina’s comfort zone, a fading dream of happiness from an idealized childhood, to sustain which the heroine systematically stunts her growth and literally repressed her own powers, something that in the books made her sickly and weak. But the narrative weirdly romanticizes this codependency, often making her tunnel vision re: going back to Mal her primary goal and centering on him her entire backstory/motivation, to the point that when she starts acting more serious re: her powers and alleged mission to destroy the Fold, it feels inorganic and unearned. 

Mal is intrinsically extraneous to Alina’s powers, he doesn’t share them, he doesn’t understand them, he has little to offer to help her with them, and so the feeling is that he’s also extraneous to her heroine’s journey, aside from being a sort of sidekick or safe harbor to eventually come back to. People have compared him to Raoul from Phantom of the Opera, and yeah, he has the same ~magic neutralizer~ vibe, tbh.

The narrative also polarizes Mal’s normalcy and relative “safety” against Aleksander’s sexy evil, framing Alina’s quasi-platonic fixation on the former as a better and purer form of love than her (much more visible and palpable) attraction to the latter. This is exacerbated by the show almost entirely relying on scenes of them as kids to convey their bond. I’m sure there are ways to depict innocent pining for your best friend that don’t involve obsessively focusing on flashbacks of two CHILDREN running in a meadow and looking exactly like brother and sister. LIKE. I get it, they’re like soulmates in every possible way, BUT DO THEY WANT TO KISS EACH OTHER?

Which brings me to a general complain: for a young adult saga centering on a young heroine and full of so many hot people, this story is weirdly unsexy? There are a lot of shippable dynamics, but they’re done in such a careless, ineffective way that makes ZERO EFFORT to work on stuff like slow burn, pining and romantic tension, and when it does it’s so heavy handed that the viewer doesn’t feel encouraged at all to fill the blanks with their imagination and start anticipating things (which is, imo, the ESSENCE of shipping). The one dynamic that got vaguely close to this is, again, Kaz and Inej, and coincidentally it’s also the one we didn’t get confirmed as romantic YET. Other than that, where’s the slow burn? What ship am I supposed to agonize over during the hiatus to season two? Has shipping become something to feel ashamed of, like an embarrassing relative you no longer want to invite in your home?

Anyway, back to Alina/Darkling/Mal, this is how the story reads to me:

girl suspects to be special, carefully pretends to be normal so she can stay with Good Boy

the girl’s powers eventually manifest; she’s forcibly separated from Good Boy

the girl’s powers attract Bad Boy who is her equal and opposite but is also a major asshole

girl initially falls for Bad Boy; has to learn a hard lesson that nobody that sexy will ever want her for who she is, he’s just trying to exploit her

also, no, there is no such thing as a Power Couple

girl is literally given a slave collar by Bad Boy through which he harnesses her power (a parody of the Twin Scars trope)

you know how the story initially suggested that the joint powers of Darkness and Light would defeat evil? LOL NO, Darkness is actually evil itself and the way you destroy evil is using Light to destroy Darkness, forget that whole Jungian bullshit of integrating your shadow, silly!

conclusion: girl realizes being special sucks. She was right all along! Hiding and suppressing her powers was the best choice! She goes back to the start, to the same Good Boy she was meekly pining for prior to the start of the story.

... there’s an uncomfortable overall subtext that reads a lot like a cautionary tale against - look, not just against darkships and villain/heroine pairings, but also *overpowered* heroines and, well... change? Growth?

Like, it’s certainly a Choice that Alina starts the story *already* in love with Mal. That she always knew it was him. The realization could have happened later (making the dynamic much more shippable, too), but no. 

[madeyoumyvillain]

☕ maylen slander 🤭

Thanks for the ask bb @darklingswhxore ☀️🖤🌘💛

*me to myself, slowly,but with a lot of feelings* oh my fucking god my time to shine has come

This is gonna be long, apologies🌻

Where do i even start with blade boy?

to me,he didn't matter ONE BIT in the first two books, because my innocent self thought "hey,this is an ETL story,Darklina endgame no matter what and Malyen will just,,,go away" but,alas,I was fooled and baited by Leigh Bardugo. But that rant is for another day. My problem with Malyen isn't just that he's boring and basic and has the personality of a broken pencil. It's deeper than that. But he's someone so irrelevant to me,that I don't like chanelling my energy towards him. But let's go.

My problem with Malyen is,he seems very real. The way he treats Alina,the way he's filled to the brim with victim complex,the way everything he says to her is something I've heard myself,the way he thinks that he should be rewarded for being there for his best friend. Basically,he's the embodiment of what a real toxic man is like. Notice how I emphasized on real? Because men like him exist. And we deal with them everyday. They belittle you. They gaslight you. They slutshame you. They mock you for being happy and independent. They say they're scared of you,even when you don't mean any harm,when you're the more powerful one for once. They scream at you for flinching. They keep on reminding you of the things they did for you,even if you didn't ask them to in the first place. They think tht can talk on your behalf. They. Are. Real. Alot of people argue that Malyen was just 17 and dealing with alot so we can't hate him,they also say he's the less toxic choice for Alina. But this isn't a competition of more toxic and less toxic,it shouldn't be. You're either toxic,or you're not.

I know and I understand that Aleksander was toxic too. But Aleksander is a centuries old shadow summoning grisha. Aleksander is a fairytale villain meanwhile men like Malyen are very real. And as someone who has been in an extremely emotionally abusive relationship,the way Malyen went ahead and kissed Zoya rather than talking and understanding Alina's situation and why she flinched,it reminded of the times I was misunderstood,of the times when I flinched and was punished with a cold shoulder and ill treatment. I choose to ignore Malyen and the shitty endgame in the books,but how am I supposed to ignore it when it happens in my reality too? Bardugo very recently mentioned how she was in an abusive relationship herself when she was writing SnB,so after that info,I'm supposed to hate Aleksander, right? Because according to her he is the embodiment of her abusive ex,but what she seems to forget is,the main relationship in the books isn't Darklina,it's Malina. And Malina on its own is still a very,very toxic and weak ship. Alina mutilated herself just because she didn't want to leave Mal when the Grishas were testing her. In the beginning of SnS,Mal for once does not care that Alina is getting sick and frail because she's not using her powers. More than once he mentions how he's scared of her and how he wants the old Alina back. The same Alina who you ignored the whole time,Malyen? The same powerless and dependent Alina?

I'll be very honest,I started to love him in RnR. Yes,love him. His and Alina's platonic dynamic makes me SO happy. They'd be perfect as friends. But by the time the book ended and Alina lost her powers and even after being offered by Nikolai to rule Grishas and Ravka,she said no,how much should I bet that if Malyen stayed dead,she would've said yes? Malyen got EXACTLY all that he wanted,Alina legit got nothing. But how can I blame either when both of them are equally selfish? Yes,Alina is selfish,that's something I'll rant about some other day.

Thoughts about show! Malyen? He's not even the same person he is in the books and I'm so sorry to say that Malyen on his own is great but the 8 hrs of Malina? Not something I'd like to go through again. Show! Malyen is funny and is there for his friends and has his own struggles but if you have to completely drastically do a 180° on a character,it proves the point that he wasn't nice in the first place. If he was already the amazing character we were told he was,why would they not follow anything he did or said in the books? Why did they choose to make Zoya a racist on top of the meangirl bully plotline which already made her unlikeable yet make show! Malyen this embodiment of Mr. Perfect that he isn't? Isn't it fucking hilarious how people sympathized for him for losing Mikhael and Dubrov yet shit on Aleksander for being so vengeful after seeing centuries of his people, Grisha and Ravkan alike,dying,burned on stakes, experimented on while he could do nothing to stop it? Hypocrisy,hm? The only thing in commow show! Malyen and book! Malyen have are their names and being a tracker because the rest is just different, drastically different. And if they're gonna stick to the Malina propaganda in S2 too,then can someone make a compilation of all Darkling/Darklina/Crows scenes and send it to me? Because I won't be watching it.

These are my opinions and my opinions only,I respect anyone who does or doesn't agree. Do tell me what parts you agree with. Thank you <3

[comingoutofthecauldron]

on malyen oretsev as a character and a love interest

this might be slightly rambly and incoherent but i need to say it. malyen oretsev has been the underdog in this fandom for as long as i can remember. a little while ago it was the “malaria” jokes (very classy, folks), and then waves upon waves of mal antis and darkling stans/apologists, and even now a decent majority of the fandom is convinced he’s just boring or an asshole. and fair enough on that last account, if you genuinely don’t like him as a character, that’s fine. but there are a lot of accusations people throw mal’s way that i am really sick and tired of hearing, and hopefully this will help put a stop to them.

mal is not boring. mal is witty and charismatic and an easy friend, and he is also incredibly brave. when he thought alina was being tortured and brutalised by the darkling, he volunteered for a suicide mission to track the stag—which he didn’t even know existed—into fjerda because it was the only way he thought he could help her. that mission killed two of his best friends. people say mal is an asshole because of the way he treated alina when he saw her (months after she’d been dragged away from him against her will) happy and healthy in amongst the people who had looked down on the both of them their whole lives, after having just lost his best friends for her. i say his being upset was pretty understandable. and yes, he was a bit of asshole in siege & storm, but he’s a teenage boy and you cannot hold him to all these ridiculously high moral and behavioural standards (especially when you don’t hold other characters like nikolai or the darkling to those standards). everyone has their asshole moments. nikolai’s is ongoing. holding mal’s against him just because he’s not all-powerful like the darkling or royal like nikolai is bullshit, plain and simple.

as for malina, i have a lot to say on that front. a lot of people say that mal was only interested in alina after she got her powers, but that is blatantly untrue. the quote, “just you and me. it’s always just you and me, alina” literally happens in the first chapter of shadow & bone. mal himself said that he always loved alina, and her being taken away was the wakeup call he needed. if anything, alina’s powers only complicated their relationship—mal didn’t know how to deal with her becoming the very thing they’d both grown to resent after being treated like shit in the first army while the grisha were treated like royalty, which explains a lot of the tension in their relationship surrounding alina’s abilities.

people tend to say that mal didn’t like it when alina became powerful and less dependent on him, but that’s not right. mal never wanted alina to be less. he was afraid of what would happen to her if she became more. from his point of view, all that alina’s powers brought them was trouble; the darkling’s grooming of alina and his subsequent manhunt for them, nikolai’s proposal to alina (when he was an adult and alina was a minor), the apparat’s cult and imprisonment of them, the death of the only mother figure they’d ever known. in his mind, alina’s powers only ever brought them misery, and mal was scared of losing her to that misery. we saw how they were torn apart throughout the books, because mal was otkazat’sya, and he was not the only one who felt that that might never be good enough for alina. neither of them ever wanted the power that alina was given. that’s why it was so hard for mal to accept that alina wanted to keep it—he was scared it would corrupt her the way it had the darkling. he was scared of losing her.

the argument that really frustrates me is when people call malina abusive. say it with me, folks: malina is not an abusive ship. mal and alina loved each other unconditionally. even if he wasn’t happy about alina’s powers, he knew that it was important to alina that she use them to save ravka, and so he helped her. he owed ravka nothing. this was the country whose monarchy had essentially taken his life from him to force him into being little more than a foot soldier in their army; the country his friends had died for thanks to the darkling being placed in such a position of power; the country whose king let the people starve whilst he sat in his golden palace and wasted more money. mal helped alina save ravka not because he loved his country, but because he loved her. hell, he literally died for her.

whilst we’re on the subject, let’s talk about that quote that people like to say is abusive: “i love you, alina, even the part of you that loved him.” do you understand how monumental that quote is? mal found out that the darkling is the same darkling who made the shadow fold, the shadow fold that had taken numerous lives and that had gotten them into this mess in the first place. he was beginning to realise the extent of the manipulation alina had undergone at the hands of the darkling, the grooming and abuse. they both knew the atrocities that the darkling had committed, and yet mal has it in himself to tell alina that not only does he not care that alina ever thought she loved the darkling, he loves her all the same anyway? how is that abusive?

lastly, i want to talk about his most infamous quote: “i am become a blade.” this is one of my favourite quotes in the entire grishaverse, and i’m going to explain why. a lot of people think that it’s grammatically incorrect, but as your local grammar nerd, i’m here to tell you that it’s not! as alina notices, the actual tattoo is written in ancient ravkan: e’ya sta rezku. because of that, the quote translates with slightly strange phrasing, but that phrasing still makes grammatical sense. it’s sort of like how shakespearean english is still english, it just sounds different.

now, grammar aside, i want to talk about why the quote is so beautiful (to me, anyway). mal has been used all his life. when they were at keramzin, he tracked and hunted animals for them to eat. in the first army, he was used as a foot soldier and a tracker, and the darkling (and nikolai, to an extent) used him to track the amplifiers. he’d always had his agency taken away from him by those with more power, and he’d been used and mistreated almost every time. then he turns around and offers himself and his agency up to alina without a second thought. because he loves and trusts her that much. at this point, it doesn’t seem to him as though there’s any chance of him and alina ever being together or getting a happy ending. he’s not doing it for that. he’s doing it because alina wants to save ravka, and he loves alina, so he wants to help her do that. in all of his indecision about his life and what he is and who he is for alina, he is able to decide that to live in service of her, to live for her, is exactly what he needs to do. he is essentially saying, “i recognise your power and though i am afraid for you, i won’t hold it against you now. instead i’ll help you wield it and fulfil your destiny, even if that isn’t what i want/what i want for you and even if it gets me killed.”

mal is a teenage boy who had to mature very quickly under terrible circumstances. of course he’s not perfect and he makes mistakes, but i cannot for the life of me understand why he is hated on such a large scale. he was an asshole to alina at some points, yes, but alina was usually an asshole right back, and it was only because they were both pining and angry at their situation. if you still don’t like him, fine, but for the love of god, stop calling him abusive/toxic. he’s a good character and a healthy love interest (a rare sight in ya) and malina is a healthy romance. it’s that simple.

[lifblogs]

Whumptober 2021

No. 4 - TRUST FALL

"Do you trust me?" | taken hostage | pushed

Title: Scream Fandom: Shadow and Bone, Grishaverse, Siege and Storm Rating: Explicit Pairing: Darklina (primary ship), Malina Word Count: 2855 Summary: The Darkling is driven to find the Rusalye, and he'll use any means to get it, even hurting Alina in unspeakable ways. WARNINGS: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Rape/Non-con READ ON AO3

“Do you trust me?”

I scoffed, crossing my arms where I stood across from the Darkling in his cabin. The floor seemed to sway as the ship rode the billowing waves of the Bone Road. My collar of antlers felt heavy around my throat.

“Why would I?”

The Darkling approached me, all regal in his black kefta; it was still the silk I was used to, but beneath it was silver fox fur to keep him warm. Funny to think that the Darkling could get cold.

He seemed to grow as he closed in on me, becoming more than just a man. I tried to tell myself that he was just that and nothing special, but I knew better. He was ancient, powerful, and he wanted to use me.

I held my ground, even when he reached out to touch me. At the barest hint of our skin touching I inhaled deeply, suddenly flooded with power, feeling it roil through me all the way down to my toes. I wanted to lean into it, become part of it. He brushed his fingers against my collarbone, and then at the antlers that David had crafted around my neck: the amplifier of Morozova’s stag.

“Perhaps because I gave you this power, Alina.”

“And you used it,” I replied, tone as bitter as sour kvas. “You used me.”

“Because your power is extraordinary,” he breathed. “I want to help you wield it. That’s why we’re looking for the Rusalye. I want to help you.”

“If you really wanted to help me you would let me go. You would let Mal go.”

The Darkling stepped aside and went to his desk, rolling his eyes. “I don’t know what it is you see in that otkazat’sya. He will wither and die, while you remain.”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

He gave me the barest hint of a smile. “Am I supposed to deny such a thing? There will just be you and me, Alina. He is nothing compared to what we are, what we can do.”

The adrenaline of being threatened above deck earlier wore off, and I had to resist the urge to slump where I stood. Instead, I took a seat before his desk. Or, I suppose it was actually Sturmhond’s desk, and he’d just taken over.

“I’m guessing you want Mal to think you’re doing unspeakable things to me right now,” I surmised.

“Would they be so unspeakable?”

My heart thrummed from the heat in his eyes, the curl of his lips. I frequently dreamed of what he spoke of, dreamed of the way he’d touched me and kissed me at the winter fete, having me pushed up against the door. I had wanted more then, and for awhile I still did. Did I now?

My shoulder twinged where the nichevo’ya had bitten me, as if it was thrumming with his darkness.

In a halting voice, I said, “I have wanted those things, but now—”

He interrupted, going around to sit on the desk before me, “Now you’re happy to roll around in the mud with the dogs. It’s beneath you, Alina.” His body was so close to mine that I couldn’t tell if I was imagining the warmth coming off of him or not.

I opened my mouth, hoping to say something clever, but there was nothing to say. He leaned in, putting a hand around my throat beneath the collar. I nearly moaned from the surety that flooded me, the golden light I could feel just beneath my skin. It wanted to erupt from his mere touch. I was breathless as I stared up at him, mouth agape. Then his hand began to travel down, down, and I wanted to squirm.

Alina, stop this. Stop him.

But it felt so right.

Yet…

He took hold of me at my waist, and pulled me to my feet as if I weighed nothing.

I tried to shove him away.

“No!” I cried.

No, I couldn’t do this. I shouldn’t. Just minutes ago he had threatened to tear into me with a knife, and now he wanted me? I couldn’t understand him. Perhaps the centuries he’d been alive had changed and warped what humanity was in him, but I wasn’t sure I could see that sliver of humanity now.

He ended up pushing me away, and snarled, “Fine, but tomorrow if your precious otkazat’sya doesn’t find the Rusalye, then I get to do what I want. Is that clear?”

I avoided his gaze, even when he grabbed my chin and tilted my head up. I just looked downward, at his chest, watching it rise and fall, wondering how he could be breathing the same air as me yet be so different.

“Is that clear?”

Stomach churning, legs weak and nearly shaky, I forced myself to look into his eyes, to meet that ancient gaze, and see the anger and the want within him.

“Do whatever you want to me,” I said, ashamed at the quaver in my voice, feeling it like a black pit in my gut. “It won’t make this ship go faster, or coax the Rusalye out of hiding. Mal can only work with what he has.”

“I find that people can do extraordinary things with the right motivation.” He turned me around and gave my rump a little tap. The sensation startled me, shooting star-flecked bolts all the way down to my toes. “Get going.”

~~~

The next day came, and the Rusalye still hadn’t been found. I had discussed what had happened in the cabin the day before with Mal that night, before I was forced back into my tiny bunk with Tamar. Mal wanted to do as the Darkling wished, if only to save me. I had begged and pleaded, telling him that I would be fine, even when in my heart I knew I wouldn’t. Mal could tell I was lying. So when I’d been escorted to the Darkling’s cabin Mal had been held back by Grisha. He’d fought till he was bloodied and screaming my name. I wanted to run to him, to reach out to him, but all I did was try and force an assuring smile on my face as a few tears rolled down my cheeks. This terror had ahold of me as surely as the nichevo’ya’s teeth had dug into me and had scarcely wanted to let go.

The Darkling wasted no time on talk. The door closed, and then I was shoved up against it. I tried to remember some of Botkin’s lessons, but the Darkling was so much bigger than me. Perhaps if I hadn’t let him get the upper hand so quickly I would have been able to fight, but he had me pinned.

I willed my tears away.

“Good morning, Alina,” the Darkling breathed as he leaned down, lips brushing my neck.

Even as a part of me wanted him—wanted him so badly that I would tear someone apart to get him—I squirmed, trying to move my neck away from his mouth. But his hands were on my body now, gripping my waist tightly, pulling me close.

I whimpered, and raised my arms to try and smack my hands against his chest. He just grabbed my wrists, and pinned them above my head.

He tilted his head, examining me. “I believe we’re both overdressed for the occasion.”

I stood, frozen, as the Darkling stepped back and began to divest himself of his kefta. His eyes were on me the whole time, and I wanted to sink through the wood of the deck, and into the waters of the Bone Road, drowning in the cold. I knew I could summon my light, try to make the Cut, but would Mal pay for my actions? Surely he would. Then there was the question of what would happen should I horribly fail. No, I couldn’t do it.

The Darkling didn’t bother with the rest of his clothes too much, just started undoing the ties on his trousers.

Oh Saints.

He reached out, taking hold of my wrist, leaving me breathless, and he tugged me over to his desk. I trembled as he tore at the skirt of my wool dress, and I worried about what I would have to wear after.

“Hmm… I did like you better in a kefta, but you never did take to my color. What a shame. Black suits you, Sun Summoner.”

“If all you want is my power, you don’t have to do this!”

“Oh, but I do.” He pressed me against the desk, facing away from him. There was an uncomfortable heat in my stomach, and I feared I was going to be sick. The wood pressed sharply against me. He lifted up my torn skirt, and reached for the stockings I had underneath. Leaning against me, he went on, “Because I want you. I have wanted you since I first laid eyes on you in my command tent at Kribirsk. And I nearly had you. Nearly. Now I will.”

He pulled my stockings down, and my skin puckered against the sudden cold, backside and legs revealed to him.

“Stop! Please!”

He put one hand to the back of my neck, over the collar, and bent me forward. I could scarcely breathe. I felt him, pressing up against me. He was hard in his trousers, which was not something I was all that used to, even with the nights I’d lain against Mal. I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t entirely sure why, but I wasn’t. And here the Darkling was, more than ready to take what wasn’t his.

He ground down against me, and I let out a discomfited moan. Fear trickled through my blood, like ice and fire battling each other, neither side winning.

“Are you going to scream, Alina? I think it would really encourage the otkazat’sya.”

My bottom lip wobbled, and I bit it. My mouth wanted to open, to let my voice out, to cry for help. But who would help me on this cursed ship? I was a hostage, being pushed over the edge so a dark tyrant could get what he wanted. It was all about him, even if he claimed he cared for me.

Yet I tried to lie to myself, tried to tell myself he did truly care about me as he pulled back slightly, and then was touching me again, only this time he had been freed from his trousers. I swallowed back sick as his hard length pressed up against me. A trembling started in my legs. Saints, he was big. How was he even going to fit?

He rubbed the head of his cock against me, and through my folds, leaving me squirming and whimpering. His breaths were heavy, laced with his voice, which had become rough and low.

I had wanted to hold in my voice, but I squealed as he pressed in just a bit, something tearing. He probably wasn’t even an inch in me, and still the sensation was painful and startling, yet... I could feel my power brimming just beneath the surface, wanting to let loose. It was stronger from his touch, and it wanted me.

“Alina,” he groaned, pushing in just a bit more.

A throaty moan left me, and I tried to relax, tried to take deep breaths. I didn’t know much about this, but I figured being wound up tight would just make it hurt.

Pretend he loves you. Pretend he loves you, I pleaded with myself.

When he pushed in further, I dug my nails into the wood of the desk.

I could feel him shuddering against me, over me. I was completely trapped by the heaviness of his body. His hips began to undulate, cock reaching just a bit deeper into me each time. He leaned over, kissed my neck, kissing the bite from the nichevo’ya. In time I was letting out cries that were timed with his thrusts. I felt like he was going to rip me apart. I was so full and stretched, and yet it didn’t stop.

Would my torment be endless?

With one powerful thrust that left me writhing and screaming, I felt his balls pressing up against me, hot and heavy with his seed. Tears built up in my eyes, and I was too overcome with how wonderful and horrible I felt to try and hold them back. One rolled down my cheek.

“Good, Alina. Good,” the Darkling crooned. “Now I’m going to need you to scream louder. We need your tracker to hear. And perhaps after I’ll show him your maiden’s blood.”

I had no choice but to comply. His hips moved mercilessly, large cock pummeling my insides. I tried to ignore the slapping and squelching sounds and just focused on how the desk shook, even though it had been nailed down to withstand the mercurial waters of the ocean.

Even that was too much. I felt like I was being taken over, like I would never escape this.

Again and again he plunged into me, and I did scream.

I screamed because I wanted more. I screamed because I wanted him to stop.

A fiery sensation was building up in my pelvis and lower abdomen. It was so foreign that I wanted to cry, that I wanted to push him away, and use the Cut to sever his head from his body. Instead he kept pushing, kept going, kept calling my name like a prayer.

The fire in me built and built, condensing into a ball until it couldn’t be held back anymore. The fire burst through me, and I was screaming again. My walls clenched around his driving cock rhythmically, and waves of pleasure rolled through me, leaving me light-headed and woozy. The only thing my legs seemed to know how to do was shake; holding up my body was beyond them.

I was stuck in that fire, that beautiful, searing light for what felt like eternity. The Darkling settled into me up to his balls, taking advantage of the contractions my end had brought about. Throaty moans left him, and his hands squeezed my bottom till it hurt. I clawed at the desk, wanting more, wanting it to end.

When my contractions stopped, and the pleasure ebbed out of me in gentle waves, he began to take me once more, with a power and want that I couldn’t understand.

Part of me wondered how I’d be able to handle this every day. Perhaps I’d just forget it, or become numb to it.

That numbness seemed to seep over me now, even as I hurt, as my hips were driven into the desk, and I was spread wide open for him, and dug into like some prize.

The scream I let out when he came wasn’t one of pleasure, or even pain. It was anger, fury.

How dare he!

Ana Kuya had barely taught me about any of this, but she’d made sure that I knew what this meant, what could happen when a man reached his end inside a woman.

I didn’t want a child!

Did he want to impregnate me? Did he want me to bear that burden so I would have to cling to him, depend on him? Or did he just seek pleasure from the fear and anger now coursing through me?

I tried to fight him for what might have been the millionth time, but it was no use.

The Darkling pulled out of me, and I nearly dropped to the floor. I managed to turn about, raising myself up with shaking limbs. The Darkling was smiling, breathing hard, and I could see the points of his nipples beneath his dark shirt. He breathed a contented sigh, running a hand through his sweat-slicked hair, cheeks all red. His other hand was stuffing his cock back into his trousers.

“That was… wow, Alina.”

“You did all the work,” I spat.

“But maybe I won’t tomorrow.” Now when he let out a sigh it was one of disappointment, and he put himself to rights again. “As much as I’d like to have you all day I have work to do, and we must check on your otkazat’sya.”

My cheeks burned at the mention of Mal. What would he think? Would he not want to be with me anymore? Was I tainted? Would he think that I had wanted it?

I was like a doll as the Darkling did what he could to fix my clothes, but there was nothing that could be done for my ruined skirt. He didn’t seem to mind, but I worried about the cold, whipping salt winds of the ocean that I’d feel above deck.

He took me by the wrist, and I fell into myself, tumbling, and tumbling until I wasn’t sure there was anything left. He presented me to Mal, who still hadn’t found the Rusalye.

The Darkling would have me the next day. Maybe even the day after that. I would have to scream for him, and in my heart darkened by the taint of him, I knew I would.

[amiramorozova]

Soulmates? pt. 5

Pairing: Dual Summoner Amira Silina and Vampire General Kirigan/ Aleksander Morozova

word count: 2043

I saw the carriage door open and Aleksander was first to get out of the carriage as he put his hand out to me. The sound of people talking was clear as I took his hand, feeling it was slightly cold but still warm as I got out of the carriage. People seemed shocked to see me but it wasn't like I had a choice. I wasn't a Grisha who was part of the little palace but he adjusted my hand to be on his arm as I saw my family getting out of the other carriage. My father was in the dark blue like my grandmother with no design since they were unknown as far as everyone knew. 

Aleksander led me to the group of people as they seemed to take in my appearance of who I would be. A Dual Summoner being escorted by General Kirigan as my family followed behind us I'm sure. A lot of people were whispering as I was going past them with the General keeping my eyes off of people till we made it to the ballroom. There I saw a few Grisha, it was easy to tell who they were from the Dark Blue Kefta dresses and suits, along with the red kefta dresses and suits, purple kefta dresses, and suits. 

"Let's find Genya, she may be able to help you just a little not that you aren't adorable the way you already look." Aleksander said, I blushed at his compliment but tried to bury that down as I looked back at my family. My father didn't seem overly pleased with his only daughter being escorted around in the little palace but we all knew the saints had deemed him my soulmate. 

When we kept walking I noticed we came across a woman in white, she had auburn hair and green eyes as I looked at her. "General Kirigan, what can I do for you?" The woman asked as he looked at her. "Genya, this is Amira Silina, she's my special guest tonight. Can you use your tailor's magic to make her look just a little extra special tonight." Aleksander said, I was going to protest but then he looked at me and I decided against it. '' Genya looked at me surprised by my appearance. "Saints, are you a sun summoner?" Genya asked and I shrugged a bit before Aleksander let me go so Genya could lead me away. 

Genya led me to a room where she had someone bring her kit, she seemed to be thinking about what she was going to do. I was not used to such things, I could tell she was a tailor with her kit. "So what are you?" Genya asked with a smile, "you clearly don't live here in the little palace or I would have met you before today." 

"A Dual Summoner, very rare but not uncommon." I said as she had her surprised look "close your eyes and relax your eyebrows." Genya said to me as she started to work on me. "So, General Kirigan escorted you in. Does that mean you're staying in the little palace after tonight?" I waited till she was done and opened my eyes "No, After the Fete, I am going home to continue my training with my family. I want to keep my distance from him." I admitted

Genya didn't understand and I could not out him for being what he was, a vampire. She tapped the necklace and I laughed a little. "Well you see..uh...my initials are on his wrist." I said as she looked at me surprised. "Well that would explain why he wanted me to add a bit more to you. Who did your hair? It looks just plain." Genya said and I knew that I didn't do a lot with my hair regularly. "Oh I uh..we didn't have any accessories for my hair I think they forgot it." I admitted

Genya had me sit right here then she went to get something as I waited, I wasn't to see myself in the mirror until she returned and when she did she worked on my brunette hair as I felt her put in a hair accessory. "There, now you can look." Genya said 

I was hesitant but I looked in the mirror and gasped a bit seeing the transformation as I didn't recognize myself. I knew there was no way this was going to just be ignored as Genya took my hand "Come on now, we must show your soulmate but you walk ahead. I want to take in the General's expression as he sees you walk in." Genya said, I had to admit I like Genya but I felt bad because I didn't know her story and why white?

As we made it back to the ballroom, I knew people had already seen me before with him so I walked in. Everyone was turning to look at me as I was making my way in and even my family looked surprised. I knew I had to look older than my age just a bit as even General Kirigan looked awestruck as I noticed he was talking with the King and Queen as he walked over to me. "I didn't think Genya would have such an effect on your appearance." General Kirigan said as he looked seeing people staring at me. "You look stunning by the way." He added before he offered his hand to me. 

Knowing I didn't have much of a choice I took his hand as he led me around but we came back to the royals. "Moi Tsar, Moya Tsaritsa, this is Amira Silina. She is Amara's daughter, our tidemaker who left to take care of her husband and daughter." Aleksander said as I curtsied in front of them "Your Majesties." I said politely. I saw the king taking in my design and I was concerned that they would know but His Highness seemed to be wasted a bit. "She seems like a fine girl, but why isn't she with the 2nd army?" He asked 

"I live with my family, we don't have the luxury of the little palace but we make due with what we have. My grandfather is needing care that everyone takes part in, your highness." I said it was a lie my grandfather didn't need that care but he did get sick his Grisha life would not last as long as my grandmother's Grisha life. "If you'll excuse us, Tsar." General Kirigan said as he led me away. "Eventually you will have to come to the little palace, whether you wish to or not." 

I scoffed slightly knowing he couldn't force me, well he could try but I had the attitude to fight back. I saw a woman who was showing her age. Her hair was grey and she wore black. "Amira, this is Baghra." Aleksander said and Baghra looked at me seeing my dress design was not the usual summoner. "She is what?" Baghra asked, "I've never seen her before." Aleksander merely smirked "A Dual summoner Baghra, and she is my soulmate. Her name is Amira Silina, Amara's daughter and Catalina's granddaughter. She lives in Catalina's home as they did not send her here to train. Catalina and Amara have taken over her training." Aleksander pointed out

I looked at her, seeing her expression was calm until he pointed out I was his soulmate. She could probably tell I was neither happy nor angry about it. I was just humoring him tonight as I planned to never see him again if that was possible, living alone was an option too. Most Grisha was overjoyed by meeting their soulmate but he was a vampire, I would not subject myself. Still, I could tell more than anyone this woman wasn't just the trainer cause of the tone his voice carried as I showed her a bit of respect "It's nice to meet you Baghra, I have heard so many good stories from my mother." I said with a slight smile, but I knew that name from somewhere else...I had to think about it before it came to me and I remembered where I had heard about a shadow summoner woman who was Aleksander's mother. I felt a bit bad for her to have a vampire as her son. 

I saw my mother trying to get my attention as I excused myself from them and went to go over to her as she led me away. I needed space from him and I knew there was no way of getting around it but I worried I put my parents in more danger if I told them. We walked over to get something to drink as we relaxed. "Has he tried to do anything?" My mother asked, I shook my head not knowing he'd been nothing but a Gentlemen tonight. "Keep your guard up, the fact he had you wear black means he has intentions." Mother said. "After tonight, we will not see each other again so I do not care." I admitted 

Mother looked at me with surprise as I was talking like I was so certain but I knew he probably had my blood scent from the way he smelled me the other night. Grandma Catalina walked over standing on the other side of me as we all looked out at the party. I wanted nothing more than to leave but that was not an option. I finished the punch and decided to walk out of the ballroom heading anywhere but there as I came across a girl with brown hair, brown eyes, and a purple Kefta dress as I tried to pass her but she got in my way. "Who are you to wear the General's color?" Zoya asked, "Just someone he insisted on coming and I didn't choose it. I can't wait to go home." I said to her a bit annoyed already.

I tried once again to get past her but she got in front of me again as she seemed like she was going to use her Grisha power. "You really don't want to do this." I said, "I'm the General's favorite and you're just some stranger." She said, I put my hands behind my back putting them together in case I had to use my power as I turned to walk away. Suddenly I heard the sound of wind and I put my hand up covering me in light as I saw the light cut the wind. Looking back I saw her shock and I quickly switched the light and used water smacking her back with it as I looked seeing people had noticed. 

Saints! I am not living here. I thought 

I went back and I gathered everyone up as I talked them into leaving, we headed out of the ballroom fast. I knew this whole thing was bad but then I remembered that he had brought us here. We kept walking till we made it outside and I knew that people saw what I was capable of doing. I refused to destroy the fold and what lies within it as much as the vampires in the fold needed to be saved or given a mercy death that was not going to be on my hands. 

"So how are we going to leave?" Mother asked, I didn't have an answer but soon I saw Baghra come out as she must have seen my power. She whistled as a carriage came and I looked at her wondering why she let us go. "You need to go, he's looking for a sun summoner and you, my girl as a Dual Summoner must be very powerful." Baghra said, "We will meet again, I think I may be able to train you in many things." 

"Thank you Baghra." I said

Without hesitation, we got in the carriage as I was ready to get away from him and as soon as the carriage left the grounds I knew his initials were gone from my neck so I removed the necklace. I felt disgusted by him right now. I could only imagine that the Squaller girl may be in trouble for leading to my quick exit. 

we're away, we can just relax now. I thought 

Taglist: @lifeisingrey​

[summerseachild]

I finished reading Six of Crows last night, and I have thoughts about the book and how the show made adaptation changes. I haven't flailed about a book on social media for a while, so thanks to @ravenya003 for encouraging me to post my thoughts.

So many spoilers for the book and the Shadow and Bone show to follow.

First of all, I loved it. I loved getting to spend more time with these characters, and getting to see their relationships with each other develop, and not just the romantic ones. (For instance, I am HERE for Nina and Inej’s friendship and how they support each other at key moments. So good. Can’t wait to see them interact in the show now.)

Second, I’m kind of glad they aged up the characters for the show just a wee bit. I kept having to remind myself that book!Matthias is the oldest of them at 18, and he’s been in Hellgate prison for a year. They’ve all been through a lot, and for me at least, making them all early 20s instead of mid to late teens for the show made a lot more sense.

So I knew the basics of Kaz’ trauma because I went out and spoiled myself, but actually reading it was rough. I knew that he blamed Pekka Rollins for Jordie’s death, but I didn’t know anything about the depth of the long con. I think I knew there was an illness outbreak involved, and my guess going in was that Pekka’s gang robbed and killed Jordie while he and Kaz were both sick, but what actually happened is so much worse. No wonder Kaz has trust issues. Also, the bit about how he had to get back to shore after being dumped with the rest of the bodies is going to stay with me. So good. So upsetting.

And then there’s Inej… I loved her in the show, and I just… love her more now. I love that she’s brave and capable and wants something more for herself… that’s something that I actually really like about all of the tangled relationships in this book? They all have things that are really important to them outside of being part of the group or having FRUSTRATING FEELINGS THAT MADE ME SCREAM IN SHIPPER. Anyway… that moment where Inej realizes, while climbing up that incinerator shaft because Kaz trusted she could, that what she wants to do with her life and her skills is take down as many slavers as humanly possible was amazing. I loved it.

We got little hints of all of the characters backstory in the show, but Nina and Matthias were just… straight up their flashback scenes from the book, with the timeline adjusted slightly. (Nina was originally out looking for Grisha with Zoya omg want to know more about that.) I like that show!Nina is a spy, what with all of those language capabilities. ANYWAY. Nina is just… vivacious and fun and very very sad at the same time, and reading all of those sweet Nina/Matthias flashbacks with dialogue just… used verbatim in the show because it’s SO CUTE interspersed with the way that she and Matthias interact in the “present” of the book was… devastating. Also I may have screamed FUCK YOU MATTHIAS and scared my dog at one point. If you’ve read it you know where. And then I had to take it back because the straight laced viking block of ice suddenly revealed he could lie like a PRO.

Wylan is adorable. I lost it at his "Who is mark?” question and Jesper’s utter exasperation. One of the things about Wylan I really love is how he shows how this little group of people just… takes you in as you are and really respects you for the skills you have and what you bring to the table. When he started making that tool to cut Fabrikator made glass out of parts lying around the gate house and Jesper’s improvised diamond drill bit, I was impressed. Also, Jesper whining about babysitting all the way to Fjerda was highly amusing. Oh my sweet summer child.

Have I talked about Kaz/Inej yet and how it is destroying my soul right now? Can I talk about how they are both such damaged people who “doesn’t trust easily” is the understatement of the year, but they trust each other and are vulnerable with each other and will do things that step all over their trauma for that trust. (I just about had heart failure when Inej let Nina put the Menagerie tattoo back on her.) And I have so much respect for Inej for realizing what she wants and not settling for anything less, but also poor Kaz for not being able just yet to explain why he’s got all of that armor in the first place (if I read correctly, he hadn’t even told her Jordie existed before the events of the book, much less exactly what happened.) And then things end how they end with them, and Inej gets fucking kidpanned, and it’s a good thing I bought a box set with Crooked Kingdom, which I will be starting today.

So I haven’t even talked about the heist yet, and I love heists. I love how it moved, I love how all of the parts fit together, and I am HORRIFIED by the existence of jurda parem. The book’s first chapter really sets the scene for how messed up that stuff is, and so the stakes were always high, but WOW. It really made the moment when Nina decides to take it and does what she does so powerful. (We still don’t know if she’s ok by the end… please be ok, Nina.)

Other places in no particular order I was Not Ok:

The scene in the wagon where Kaz is not doing well and Inej is trying to give him as much space as she can and a;dlkfajfa;kfljad; I’m fine.

Inej getting stabbed. Not. Cool. (But Kaz’ “I am going to do incredibly violent things to you because you hurt a person I cared about while appearing calm” pushes multiple narrative buttons of mine so good on you, LB.)

Nina and Matthias discovering the burned Grisha bodies and Jesper being the one to do the mercy kill so neither Nina nor Inej had to. That whole bit was ROUGH.

The reveal of the lab and how long the druskelle leadership has been experimenting on Grisha. I think I had to put the book down, take a few deep breaths, and go outside after that because WOW that’s nasty.

Other random favorite moments included:

Matthias being the one who speaks up for Kuwei when he and Nina find him (and the reveal that he’s an inferni and his dad was a Fabrikator… the fact that jurda parem started out as an experiment that was supposed to help Grisha control their powers and hide from persecution is just heartbreaking).

And to end on a happy note… One of my favorite visuals of this whole book is Jesper fricking Fahey driving a tank with a “Fjerdan might” banner streaming behind it. I cannot WAIT to get to see this with my own two eyes.

And now I’m going to go start Crooked Kingdom because I will not be ok until Inej is ok.

[troublecominghq]

character name(s)/alias/etc: jesper fahey / the sharp shooter.

character age and date of birth: 21, april 22nd year 100.

character's pronouns/gender identity/romantic & sexual identity: he/him mostly, but vibes with any tbh. genderfluid. bisexual, biromantic & polyam.

character faceclaim: kit young.

oc or canon + which fandom affiliated with: canon, grishaverse.

currently located: the slat, ketterdam.

moral alignment + people/groups etc they are aligned to: chaotic neutral, jesper is one of the last people to be seen following any rules, but he also doesn’t have evil intentions really. he’s a chaotic entity, sure, but there aren’t any overly bad or overly good motivations to it. jesper is entirely aligned and loyal to the dregs/crows, and though he can be reckless at times with it, he cannot be shaken on that.

tell us about their personality/the kind of character they are/what kind of goals etc they have: charming, witty, a touch full of himself, but jesper has a true heart. he’s not above doing dodgy shit to get what he or the crows want/need, and he certainly dabbles in plenty of vices, but he’s not a horrible, evil person. he doesn’t believe in the oppression of others, unless that ‘other’ is some rich fuck getting off on making the lesser suffer. jesper ‘eat the rich but i also wanna be rich’ fahey. jesper can be incredibly reckless, loudmouthed and overly confident. he’s got a habit for fucking shit up though most of the time it’s not intentional, but in the end, even some of his most chaotic of methods get shit done. there just… might be a bit of a detour first. which, on the note of: jesper has a bad habit for even worse decisions. a gambler, an addict to the rush, jesper has a lot of issues around this and relishes in figuring the odds on most things. the downside is that although jesper definitely isn’t suicidal, he takes a lot of risks with his own life. jesper can be a jittery, anxious person at times and he specifically uses these outlets-- gambling, even fighting to get a fix of an adrenaline rush and soothe it. however, in spite of all of this, jesper has a lot of self esteem issues and doesn’t have a genuine, high value on himself. he has a grandiose and exaggerated personality, but the fact is, so much of it is for show and to cover up his many flaws and the parts of himself he hates. he tends to look to his peers-- the crows especially, those he loves and is dedicated to above all else-- for validation. jesper’s goals are simple, to an extent. they don’t align with big, grand ideas as such and are far more personal. he wants to pay off his debts. he wants to live comfortably, rich and content but he doesn’t want to push down others like him to do it. he knows his issues with gambling will likely prevent it, but he clings on to the small dream and that he could undo the mess he’s made of his life since moving to ketterdam. he wants to see his fellow crows happy, to do what he can to help their plans and gains. he kinda would love to see the old fucks of the city taken down a peg or twenty.

biography: born to a kaelish father and zemeni mother, jesper grew up on a jurda farm in novyi zem, close to the western mountains. tragedy struck jesper’s life early with the death of his mother, a grisha, who died using her powers to protect two young girls from poison. in fear of the same happening to his son, jesper’s father discouraged him from using his own powers, insisting he let them go dormant. jesper obeyed, growing up with a fear for his own powers and an internalised hatred-- not for grisha, but simply for his own powers and self. however, grisha that fail to use their powers tend to suffer ‘sicknesses’. in jesper, this presents itself in a seemingly never ending supply of energy building up inside of him, and is why he often seems anxious and jittery and in need of the outlet he uses for it-- gambling and other reckless, adrenaline inducing vices.

coming to ketterdam for university was supposed to be a turning point in jesper’s life. and to an extent, it was. just not in the way he’d planned. drawn in by the lifestyles on offer, jesper very quickly developed a gambling addiction and as such, he ended up dropping out of university early into his new life in ketterdam. this is where he began to dabble in crime, taking on jobs for multiple different gangs in order to pay off his debts, only to repeat the cycle. this broke at least partially when he met kaz brekker who saved him from a severe beating and took him on as a member of the dregs. in spite of his flaws, jesper is an incredibly talented sharp shooter and an asset to the gang. he’s a quick thinker, and easily adjusts when things don’t go as planned.

jesper was quick to join kaz on the job to find and kidnap the alleged sun summoner and had one hell of a time crossing the fold, delving into more heists and general causing chaos in ravka. tragically though, things didn’t quite go as planned and the crows had to return to ketterdam without a prize but, hey, at least they survived? but that didn’t mean it was an easy return by any means, not when their exit had left so many loose ends in the first place and brought more enemies to the table than planned. but jesper’s faith in kaz never failed, and thankfully, it wasn’t misplaced. some bribery here, a little heartrending beautiful tweaks there and eventually, things were back on track for the crows. jesper knew there was still a threat lurking though, but it didn’t stop him from diving right back into his usual chaotic life. till, that was, a new job came to the table. the biggest one yet and promising a lot more than a million kruge split three ways.

breaking into the fjerdan ice court was a shit show, but one that, in spite of the fuck ups, jesper relished in. the exact kind of thrill he thrived on. of course, until one of their own is kidnapped. but in true crows fashion, they go just as hard, if not harder to get inej back and completely destroy jan van eck. for once, things finally work. maybe not as planned entirely, but they get their win. the dregs come out on top, and jesper feels somewhat settled in knowing that he finally managed to begin to make things right not only with his friends, but with his father too.

but now, he has a whole lot of actual secure looking future to play with and he has to wonder: what beautiful way can he play with that? because he’s far from done with being a chaotic lil fuck.

for those writing canon grishaverse characters particularly from the s&b trilogy, please outline any instances of divergence you wish to include within your portrayal, even if it’s already been mentioned in the biography: when it comes to jesper, i’m chill to keep pretty much everything established in the books while of course, having included the show details too!

[looking-for-wisdom]

It had begun with the standard political dinner, as if Zoya hadn’t already had enough reason to hate them. Such was the trouble of being an important person— there was no hope in slipping away undetected. Nikolai had insisted she’d come despite the fact he was bargaining for sponsorship. Zoya had never found finance particularly interesting, especially when it was a matter of wooing the rich. She’d had quite enough of wealthy men for one lifetime.

Unfortunately, she didn’t trust anyone else with the job of Nikolai’s partner. So she’d gone, and faked a smile and laughed at mediocre jokes and whispered silly secrets to Nikolai.

Men were horribly stupid that way. They blinded themselves with their assumptions of her and she never failed to be amused at their shock when they found out the King’s giggling arm candy had been speaking their demise into his ear the whole time.

It’d been going so well. The Count had done everything but vocally promise his support. It would have only taken a few more moments, but for perhaps the first time ever, Nikolai had decided to put his feelings before the state’s affairs. Zoya had always called him a fool but she’d never once believed it until then.

“If I were so inclined to agree to your terms,” the old man said, a mirth in his voice that suggested Nikolai had already convinced him, “perhaps you’d be grateful enough to allow me a night with your general. I’ve heard only good things.” 

He said the word “general” as if it were a title only put before her name to justify her spot as the king’s whore. That was the rumor, after all, and why would he believe she was a threat when he’d never seen her play that role. She could have gutted a man in front of him and he still might have made excuses for her. How could a woman so beautiful have room left for cruelty, men like him would wonder, as if cruelty and beauty hadn’t always gone hand in hand.

She’d inhaled sharply, barely keeping her rage in check, but bit her tongue. The insult to her intelligence was more infuriating than his poorly hidden lust. She was used to the latter. The former was almost as common, but she allowed less people to get away with it.

Juris had taught her the importance of biding her time, though, so she smiled stupidly all the while thinking of how she’d destroy him when he’d least expect it.

She’d been about to answer with a regretful excuse when Nikolai had jumped in, mistaking the way her body tensed for fear rather than anger.

“She is not a gift of mine to give or, for that matter, a prize of yours to take,” he’d answer with coldness in his voice that sucked any trace of humor from the room. When no one spoke he opened his mouth again as if to further scold the Count, but Zoya didn’t give him the chance.

She placed her hand on his knee. To an onlooker it might have looked like an act of comfort, sweet, even. But Nikolai knew how tightly she was gripping him. They’d worked together far too long for him to miss recognize her threat.

She hummed gingerly and broke the silence. “Now, now,” she cooed, relying on the one rumor that could save them, though it was a more dangerous one now that Nikolai’s fiancé was in the picture, “there’s no reason to be jealous. There’s plenty of me to go around.”

She winked at the Count from across the room, becoming more irritated by the second that she was the one forced to clean up this mess. The King could afford the gossip of being territorial of his lovers— his father had survived such rumors. He would not, however, endure being painted as the enemy of all disgusting men. They were a needed enemy for the time being— they held 70% of Ravka’s wealth.

Zoya felt him strain even further beneath her hand, but he got the message. She didn’t want his help.

The Count still seemed on edge, but he at least seemed to understand the explanation. Encroaching on another man’s property was frowned upon. Doing so to a king was just foolish.

“Unfortunately,” Zoya continued when she was sure the situation had been diffused as best as possible, “I fear I’ve had a bit too much to drink. Perhaps we can finish this discussion in the morning when our minds our fresh?”

The Count nodded though there was still a hint of strain in his face. Nikolai offered him a half-hearted thanks, though Zoya didn’t count doing the bare minimum as coming to his senses. She wanted him out of there as quickly as possible, before he could completely ruin their chances.

“Nikolai, would you be a dear and walk me to my room?” She asked, her voice honey sweet but her eyes assuring it wasn’t a request.

They weren’t two steps from the dining room when Zoya’s facade dropped, but she waited until they were behind closed doors to truly let lose.

The guest room she’d been allowed to stay in was large, albeit tacky, but with sun gone from the sky the room’s only source of light was the fireplace in front of the bed. It was there that she finally stopped and turned to meet Nikolai’s eyes. His expression was unreadable and sent a fresh wave of anger through her.

“What was that?” She snapped, finally, like a predator pouncing on its prey.

Any evidence of that impulsive, stubborn anger was gone from his face. It was almost enough to make Zoya think it’d never existed in the first place. Outbursts like that were rare from Nikolai— no, unheard of. Not once had she ever seen him lose his temper so suddenly. Not once, at least, before that dinner.

When he spoke, he did so with nonchalance, as if there had been nothing strange about it. The act made Zoya want to steal the breath from his lungs just to stop his words.

“You are a member of the Grisha Triumvirate, appointed by the King of Ravka. The Count knows you rank above him. Such behavior is completely unprofessional and a disrespect to the crown itself. To be completely honest I’m surprised you hadn’t torn him limb from limb before I had the chance— we both know your perfectly capable of it,” he answered with a half smile as if he expected her to return his banter.

Zoya was in no such mood.

She should have expected he’d know exactly what to say. Nikolai always did, and yet she was still taken aback by his approach. Leave it to him to appeal to her logic and pride of her position. When he said it like that, it almost made sense. But she had been in the room with him, and the distain in his voice had not been that of a cleverly worded warning. It’d been the distain of a man playing the part of the noble hero. He had come to her defense not because they both knew damn well she had more than earned the Count’s respect. He’d done it because she was Zoya— a human being who deserved to be treated like a person, not an object.

Zoya knew it with every cell in her body, because if he’d really been driven by the former she would not be feeling a long buried hope rising in her again. There would not be a part of her who was grateful to him, despite the stupidity of his actions, because she was convinced that no other man would have even thought to call the Count out that way.

She forced that feeling deep inside herself and directed her focus on more practical things. His kindness meant nothing when Ravka couldn’t afford a king who picked reckless battles.

“We don’t need some crusty old man’s respect, Nikolai,” she retorted, once again shocked that he of all people needed this reminder. “We need his money. Have you forgotten our country is broke or are you simply that stupid? If wasn’t going to have to sleep with him before, I certainly do after the stunt you’ve just pulled. But, of course, you’re right. Enjoy your petty fights, Ravka be damned.”

Nikolai paled and Zoya thought idly that her last comment might have been a tad unfair before he answered.

“No.”

“No, what?” She demand.

“No, you don’t have to sleep with anyone,” Nikolai answered, face fierce, leaving no room for dispute, “that is not your job. No one would ask that of you.”

She stared back at him, incredulous. This was not the usual assumption she could be softened and taught feelings. This was the assumption that she already had them— that she need not change in order to avoid being asked to sell herself. Zoya wasn’t sure which was the bigger insult.

“No one is asking anything of me,” she said sharply, “I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my country. In fact, the point of this conversation is to remind you that you have always done the same.”

There was a pause as she watched him straighten and shift, mouth set in a thin line. She knew this persona well, but she couldn’t remember the last time it had been used on her. This was Nikolai the King, not Nikolai the colleague.

“You will give that man nothing,” he stated, “that is a direct order from your king.”

Zoya’s eyes narrowed. She spoke slowly so he would understand what she was saying.

“Nikolai, I chose to follow you all those years because I thought you would be good for Ravka, but do not mistake me. I am not some pawn to control as you please. I have acted on your former requests because I have found no reason not to trust you. I suggest you do not make me reconsider that decision.

The room was silent for a long moment and Zoya found herself feeling sick. This was not the Nikolai she had come to know. This was not the boy she had saved from the thorn wood and fought along side in the war. The incident at dinner was perplexing, but at the end of the night she could have reduced it to a simple fluke. This was different. This was like seeing the old king out of the face of a boy she’d grown to depend on. This felt desperately close to losing him.

But then his face softened and Nikolai was himself again. Zoya felt herself let out a breath, though she hadn’t realized she’d ever started holding it.

“That is the Zoya I know,” he said finally, “I don’t understand where she went tonight.”

Zoya searched for words as a new anger rose in her chest. The hypocrisy of it was almost laughable. Just a moment before he’d had her thinking she had lost him to his own power. The grief of the prospect was still fresh. And now he asked how she could possibly act the part of something she was not?

Before the thorn wood perhaps she might have reacted the way he expected, before the civil war there was no doubt about it. But since she and Juris had become one she found that vengeance could wait. Patience was no difficult thing when she could feel lifetimes coursing through her. She almost thought it rude that he saw her as such a liability.

“I would burn down cities for this country. Enduring one evening of ignorance is nothing if it means we will be able to pay for the upcoming war. You know that as well as I.“

This time, Nikolai didn’t argue. Zoya relaxed with the knowledge that Nikolai’s oddness at dinner had been just that: an oddity. She still didn’t understand what cord had been struck to trigger such an uncharacteristic reaction, but she took comfort in the reassurance that it would not happen again. Besides, it was an equal trade, she supposed. He could not comprehend the reasoning behind her actions either.

“You know, I have dealt with the Count’s brand of stupidity for 13 years and have yet to stumble upon a new insult to rile me. You, on the other hand, have quite the knack of finding new ways to spark my frustration whenever I think I’m immune,” she teased allowing the conversation to fall back on more familiar banter.

“You give them too little credit,” Nikolai retorted, following her lead, “Surely you weren’t nine when it started— maybe when you really hit year thirteen they’ll find some clever way to spite you.”

Zoya quirked an eyebrow at that. He thought she was exaggerating the disgusting tendencies of men?

“If anything it’s been longer. Nine was simply the first time they put me in a wedding dress,” she said, feeling as if she’d won this round.

His next words kept her from feeling too smug, though. “That’s not legal.”

Only three words and yet they conveyed a whole world of naivety— a trait she’d never associated with him. Too late she remembered the incredulous look on his face as she’d suggested possible suitors. She’d thought it was a personal standard— she could understand refusing to wed a fifteen year old. Teenagers were beyond irritating. But the prospect that he truly thought it a universal belief that taking a child’s innocence was wrong? It was a moral she shared but knew most did not.

A sharp laugh was all she could manage. It might have been a bit cruel, but she couldn’t decide whether to be impressed by his horror or simply annoyed by his ignorance on the matter. “That’s not legal,” he’d said. Zoya wished that statement had been true for the nine year old her mother had tried to marry off.

“Your pampered upbringing is showing,” she commented, knowing how much effort he’d put into understanding the life of commoners but not caring as long as it wiped that pity filled look from his face.

Once again he said nothing and Zoya thought absently of all the times she’d wanted to put him at a loss for words. This was much less satisfying than she’d hoped. She knew she’d never mentioned it before— to be frank she hadn’t meant to let it slip out— but she’d never expected such a reaction.

“Quit looking at me like I’m an injured doe. Nothing came of it. I was discovered as grisha and brought to the little palace before I could go through with the wedding.”

“And if you hadn’t been grisha?” He asked eyes cold with an anger that wasn’t directed at her.

If she wasn’t grisha? Zoya didn’t want to think of that. Would she even be herself without her power? Would she be alive without it?

“What does that matter?” She snapped, not wanting to consider it any longer.

He stared at her for a moment, a silent conversation transcending between them. His gaze seemed to analyze her for any hint of pain left over from an incident over a decade before. Perhaps she would have had something to offer if he’d been there thirteen years ago. If Nikolai had been there... it was an interesting thought. If they’d known each other back then when she’d had Liliyana and unhampered ambition. If they’d known each other when she’d been cruel, a pawn in the darkling’s plan. Would things have been different? Would the grief in her be any easier to bear?

If she’d known his warmth during the worst of her life would she be able to give him up to Ehri in a few short months?

She was shaken from her wondering when Nikolai finally spoke. “Do you have any parchment here?” He questioned.

It took a moment to process the odd shift in subject, but Zoya gestured to her right. “In the desk.”

He nodded and settled at the poorly lit table. He didn’t speak for a long moment, focusing on whatever he was writing. Zoya watched him from her place by the fire, confused but not willing to start another conversation.

After what seemed like hours he stood and turned to face her, paper in hand. “We return to Os Alta tomorrow morning. Upon our arrival I begin the process of declaring this law.”

She took the page from his outstretched hand. It was a legal document— a bill amending the legal age of marriage thirteen.

It was obvious that he wasn’t completely content with it— if he’d had it his way he probably would have gone so far as sixteen or eighteen, but change was slow in Ravka. Zoya, however, did not share his disappointment. At thirteen she would have understood what the marriage entailed. She would have fought back. It was a step in the right direction.

She felt an aching gratefulness go through her body as she thought of the little girls who would be saved from her past. This time, Zoya was the one without words. She swallowed the lump in her throat, forcing her impulsive temptations down with it.

Still, she could not chase away one realization: she had not known him all those years ago. She could not change that. But somehow having him with her now made the tragedy a bit easier to handle. He gave her suffering hope.

She wanted to do something, anything, to tell him that. But in the end she knew she had no such luxury. There had once been a time where they could spend entire nights spilling secrets. Nights where she could watch him in guarded wonder as his kindness prevailed despite Ravka’s often infectious despair.

Those nights had ended when he’d taken her advice and chosen a bride.

She handed the decree back to him, before replying. “It’s late. You should leave before people are given any more reason to believe you aren’t taking your engagement seriously.”

He pursed his lips and for a moment it looked as if he wanted to say something, but in the end he only nodded.

“Good night, General Nazyalensky.”

Not trusting herself with an apathetic reply she stood on her toes and planted a small peck on his cheek. She hoped it might say what she could not.

After he’d left Zoya had laid in bed for hours, cursing him for being impossible to stay angry with.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Decided to end the chapter here... give me the hate!

Waking up, Levi was disorientated. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton gauze, and the world wouldn't stop spinning. Squeezing his eyes closed, he tried to centre himself, while the feeling that he'd forgotten something slowly set it. Reaching out, he tried to grasp the memory, only for it so slide further through his fingers, before disappearing into the abyss of his mind. Swallowing, he found his throat parched, he couldn't even gather enough saliva to ease the feeling. Fuck. He was thirsty, and not just for water. His whole body felt like he'd been smashed against a tree repeatedly, his limbs feeling foreign and disconnected. Shit. What kind of a mess had he gotten himself into? Forcing his grey eyes open again, he blinked the world into focus, the amount of grot in the corners of his eyes made him cringe. He needed a shower. A shower and to feed... Eren! Looking both left and right, he saw no signs of his lover. Why wasn't Eren here? And why couldn't he remember what had happened?! Coughing out a groan, he tried to push his body up, only to find himself chained down... that couldn't be good. Summoned by his coughing, a very weary looking Hanji rushed into the room he was currently occupying "Levi!" Scowling, Levi sank back against the pillows "Levi, how do you feel?" "Water" His voice came out a pained growl, causing him to close his eyes again "Right. Of course. Just a second" Busying herself, it wasn't long before something was poking at his nose "You're probably still too weak to sit up, so use the stray. Small sips" Oh... a straw. At least Hanji wasn't poking at him already. Guiding it to his lips, he ignored Hanji's "small sips" in favour of drinking greedily, which ended with his coughing "That's why I said small sips. You have no idea how worried I've been" "What happened? Where's Eren?" "Before that, can you tell me how you feel? Are you pain?" "Headache" "That's to be expected when you're shot in the head. Honesty, it's a miracle you survived" He was shot? When? Why? Why couldn't he remember? "Where's Eren?" "He... he's in the Capital..." Levi's eyes flew open as he struggled to push himself up "Whoa! Wait. You need to calm down" "Why the fuck is Eren in the capital? And where are we? What happened?" "We're in Trost" "Trost?! What happened to Shinganshima?" "Levi, calm down. We can talk about this once I've examined you" "Fuck talking. Start explaining" "You were shot three times. Once in the left shoulder, once in abdomen and once in the right side of your head, luckily that bullet didn't penetrate. You've been in a coma for the last 7 weeks" "That's not funny" "I'm not joking" 7 weeks?! Had Eren been in Trost the whole time? No. Hanji said he was in the Capital? But why? "Eren?" "Eren's been arrested for the attempted murder of Erwin" "What!?" Eren would never hurt Erwin... "Levi, a lot has happened. Everyone, including the Government knows about the baby..." "We need to get to him..." "We can't. We've tried... you need to slow down. You've only just awoken" "I need to get to Eren!" "Calm down! You can't help him like this!" "The baby..." "I don't know. We didn't even know he'd been taken into custody until we reached Trost" "You didn't know...?" "What's the last thing you remember?" "Shinganshima... Eren had a bleed" "That means you're missing about 12 hours" Maria, his head hurt like a shitty motherfucker "And seven weeks" "Look. I need to examine you" "I'm fine" "People who are fine, don't spend 7 weeks in a coma. You're lucky Mike and Gunther went after you! You could have bled to death!" "I would have healed..." "We've already lost so much, you're not throwing your life away" "What do you mean?" "For now, I'm going to start your exam. I have vials of blood prepared, so once I take some base line responses and vitals, I'll let you feed" "Just tell me what the fuck is going on. And tell me we have a plan to get Eren back" "It's not that easy" Poking, prodding and damn blinding him, Hanji was shaking as she examined him, finally leaving him still chained to the bed as she poured her shitty blood down his throat. Having fed so often on Eren's rich blood, hers left him feeling sick, and less than sated. 7 fucking weeks had passed. Even with his slower "than Eren's healing powers", he should have woken before now. Licking the last drops of blood from his lips, he glared up at Hanji "Start explaining. Why was I shot?" "Our theory is that you were shot for chasing after Eren" "Chasing after Eren?" "The night before the incident, you led Eren, Mikasa and Armin into the basement of Eren's old house. There, you found two journals. One for Eren and one for Mikasa. The following morning, I found Erwin in the basement. His right arm had been severed, in what was made to look like a wolf attack. Naming Eren as his attacker, everyone was sent to find him. Acting alone, you left Shinganshima for the forest, where you were shot three times. You also yelled about Eren being pregnant, that's how Erwin found out" "How does that equate to Eren being arrested?" "The Government had agents in the Military Police, waiting for an incident to occur. They discovered Eren alone, and we think they manufactured their own incident. They took Eren into their custody, as well as the journal" "And you didn't stop them?" "I was trying to keep Erwin alive. He lost his arm" "Where is he?" "The Government is holding him, as well as Gunther's body" Hanji's words ripped through him, he honestly felt like he'd been shot again. His body temperature plummeted, as his chest tightened. He'd been sleeping... while Gunther had died "Upon Erwin's orders, we remained another 5 days in Shinganshima. You were crazy from blood lost, it took that long to get you stable. Whatever they shot you with, wasn't a normal bullet... Gunther sacrificed himself so we could escape with you" He what? They were coming back to that... "The basement?" "We took everything, but the Government was waiting for us. They took everything, including Gunther's body upon our arrival" "What... the... fuck?" "We're all in danger. They think we don't know what's in those documents, but for the most part, they simply talked about the various supernatural patients he'd treated. Do you remember anything at all? Even the slightest detail could help" "No" "Alright. Try not to force it. I only have a few hours before I'll need to report you're awake" "You're the Commander?" "Mike has other duties, and we don't have access to Erwin" "I'm sorry" So not only had he lost Gunther, they'd lost Erwin to the Government, even if it was temporarily... It was too much to hope this was dream. Only reality could be so shit "Now you're awake, we can start planning. We first need to gain access to Erwin. He should have more idea of where Eren is being held" Patting him on the head like he was a kid, Hanji began walking towards the door, Levi strained against the chains "Hanji! You're forgetting the chains" "I don't have the key. I'll see what I can do" "You can't just drop that shit on me and leave" "Welcome to my world" What the fuck was that supposed to mean?! * Fed a cocktail of drugs to keep him sedated, Eren's mind was a fog. He could barely remember his own name, as each day had melded into the next. He couldn't remember what they wanted from him. He couldn't remember what he'd told them... He couldn't remember the warmth of the sun or the feel of being in Levi's arms. He could barely even remember his alpha. The alpha who'd promised to protect him. To love him. To keep him and their baby safe... His alpha who'd left him here to die. He just wanted all this to end. They'd let him keep the baby, but he didn't understand why. Every fibre of his being hurt. He'd screamed until he'd coughed up blood. He'd begged for his baby. He'd begged for his life. He'd begged over and over... but no one wanted to listen... no one wanted to help him. Trapped beneath the Earth, he could never escape on his own. Not with a gag in his mouth, a collar around his neck, cuffs around his stumped wrists and stumps of ankles, his hands and feet removed and bound to prevent him fighting... he couldn't fight. He'd fought so hard he'd nearly killed the team that took him. So now, he couldn't even move to use the bathroom, his filthy caked underwear could barely be called underwear, and offered no protection from the cold. He was so cold. So tired... all he wanted was to go home. Go home to Levi and their baby... even if that meant he was no longer alive. Numb to the world, Eren was dragged from cell again. Strong hands pulled the chain connected to the collar, it always hurt, the metal digging into the front of his neck, running the skin until it was red and bleeding. They seemed hesitant to touch his nape, probably so they didn't kill of their specimen too soon. He wished he could gather himself up, to find a way to fight again, if he could just get the bandages off his limbs, his body could start to heal, start to reform. Which is probably why they were constantly wrapping them tighter each time. Dragged through the hall, past the other cells, his body bounced limply as he tried to twist to his side. His stomach was swollen. He didn't know what that meant anymore, but he wanted to protect it. Even when he woke mid-procedure or vomiting in his cell, that thought always managed to form. The need to protect. Covering his eyes, Eren was then chained down to the cold metal table. Voices came from all around him, but his mind could only pick up fragments of the sentences. Things like "foetus", "vampire", and "Grisha" were the most common words uttered around him, though it seemed to him like they were all too disgusted by being on his presence, so none of them talked more than necessary. Rough hands pulled the gag from his mouth, he couldn't even find the effort to scream, it wouldn't have mattered if it he could as a thick hose was pushed down his throat, the edges cutting and catching as it was forced down. They'd had him for so long, so what more could they hope to learn? Why couldn't they just let him go? Beneath the thick fabric, useless tears leaked from his eyes, not that he noticed. He was so very broken, too broken to be any good. If they undid the chains and undid the bandages, he probably wouldn't have even noticed. While the tube was filled with something warm and wet sounding, a needle was inserted into the vein of his left arm, his blood beginning to dribble into the metal bucket against the bed. Around him, the team worked, taking their samples. It was stupid, but he'd always been afraid to die alone. If he died right now, he'd probably thank them for being there, even if they were the ones to cause his death. That was the day they amputated back to his elbows and knees, with no sedatives or pain killers. Passing out from the pain, the first thing he found when he woke was that he was now completely naked. His body dumped back in the cell as if he was pile of rubbish. They'd probably grown tired of his stink. He'd grown tired of his stench, or rather, he wasn't sure he still had his sense of smell because he'd lost the ability to smell himself. Cautious as he opened his eyes, he blinked in confusion, straining against his chains in an effort to get off the freezing bite of the floor. If he could shift, he'd be warm, but his body wouldn't listen. Not once since he'd woken here had he been able to. He was trapped and forgotten. Levi had probably moved on from him. Had probably found someone better than him. Was probably happy. He'd prayed to whatever was out there so many times that Levi would save him, but now he never wanted to see him again. Not like this. As his eyes slid closed again, he let himself pass back out. * With him awake, Levi and Hanji were summoned before Darius Zackley. He'd only met the man twice, and both times he wasn't sure what to make of the man. Ruling over all four divisions of the Military, Zackley carried himself like he wasn't just another mindless Government goon. The man had sway, but even in his position, there were people who expected him to lick their boots... but the man never seemed to fall that far. Basically, he threw Levi for a loop, and he didn't like it. Dressed in full uniform, the pair of them walked into the courtroom, trying to act like they were prepared for anything thrown their way. They really weren't. The first thing to throw him off was the presence of Erwin. His Commanding officer looked pained and gaunt. His face having lost much of its fullness, while he stood staring up at Zackley, not even acknowledging their presence as they moved to stand at the same bench as him. The second thing to throw him off was the leaders of the other three Military Branches. Shadis representing the Scouts. Dok, the Military Police and old man Pixis from the Garrison Regiment. Each accompanied by their personal guard... except... Dok was accompanied by the one man he'd thought he'd never see again in his lifetime, Kenny. It was like some kind of perverse joke. Kenny had sent just as many soldiers to their death, as the werewolves had, yet there he was, lounging back in his seat, his feet on the balustrade as he sucked down his cigar. A growl rose in Levi's throat, his hands clenching as his teeth began to throb. If Kenny was here, things were dire... "Levi, do you know him?" Kenny's grin widened at Hanji's whisper. The man would have been able to hear it crystal clear, despite their distance "Keep your mouth shut. He can hear us" Standing straighter Hanji's hand brushed his, as if she was about to take it in her own. Leaning forward in his chair, Zackley pushed his fingertips together as he stared down at them "I expect you're wondering why you have been summoned before me" If Erwin was here, it had to be Shinganshima related... "Yes, sir!" Oooh? So Erwin was doing the talking? Hanji seemed to slump a little in relief "Out of over 200 men and women, only 47 returned from the recent expedition to reclaim Shinganshima. Not only was there a tragic waste of life, you have nothing to show for it, and Eren Yeager escaped your custody. How can you explain this?" "Eren was left in the care of Levi, sir" "With whom he entered into a relationship with. Is that correct?" "Yes, sir" "And you allowed it?" "He is a beast, sir. The best way to keep an eye on him was to allow him to believe he was in a relationship with Levi" "So you mean, nothing that transpired between him and Captain Levi, meant anything?" "No, sir. Eren had the reputation of sleeping around, but since being passed to Levi, he stopped his foolish ways" Erwin was fucking lucky their were too many witnesses, or he'd be loosing more than just his other arm "The fact remains, you did not declare this relationship between the two of them. You also allowed yourself to be gravely injured, before allowing Eren to escape your custody, where he was then apprehended by the Military Police. Explain yourself" "I was attacked. Levi had left Eren unattended due to the attack" "You repeatedly claimed to have been attacked by a wolf, which you claimed to be Eren" "At the time, I believed it was Eren" "And now?" "I've been informed that the damage to the bone was not consistent with the jaws of a wolf. Instead, my arm was sawn off, the tissue around damaged to look as if it was bitten" He deserved it "Who made these observations?" "Doctor Hanji Zoe" "It is note that Doctor Zoe is close to Eren, could she perhaps have been covering for him?" "Initially I believe so, until I looked at the bone" "Could she not have sawn the snapped bone flush?" "No. The attack on me was a misdirection. It allowed Eren to be taken into custody over an act he did not commit" Finally! It only took 8 fucking weeks for Erwin to admit the fucking truth "Were wolf prints not found? Prints made from your blood and Eren's?" "They may have been made by another wolf" Dok let out a harsh barking laugh "What other wolf?" "We have reason to believe others like Eren exist" How did Erwin know that?! It'd only been a couple of days since the memories of what was in Eren's journal had returned, and those were sketchy as fuck "Others?" "Grisha Yeager came from outside the walls. In Shinganshima, he worked with various supernatural beings" Dok laughed again "No one comes from outside the walls" "Then explain why the gates of Shinganshima were intentionally destroyed from within" Shit. He'd opened his mouth. Actively avoiding looking to Kenny, he focused on the dust across floor in front of them "Captain Levi. Explain what you mean?" "Upon inspection, we noticed the chain spindles intentionally damaged, and blast reside radiating outwards from inside Shinganshima. In his notes, Grisha Yeager noted that the Government was responsible for the plague that struck Shinganshima. It's not too far of a leap to assume when the plague failed, the Government took more creative measures" "You are on dangerous ground. No only have officers of the Military Police provided contradictory evidence, you have nothing to back up these claims" "Because Eren was taken away. He was in possession of his father's journal" He wasn't... but they didn't know that, by the seems of it "Eren was found escaping from Shinganshima. When approached, acted violently and was taken into custody" Dok could fuck right off. So could Kenny. Fuck. Shit "Right. Because the Military Police would never lie. Bunch of corrupt arseholes" "Captain Levi. That is enough" Hanji tugged at his waist cloth, telling him to shut up. He couldn't help it. These were the people responsible for taking his boyfriend away, and now, everyone around him was lying about it. How they didn't choke on the shit they spewed, he had no idea. "Commander Dok. Was the journal of Grisha Yeager found in the possession of Eren Yeager upon his arrest?" "It was not" "And you trust your subordinates?" "The two are members of Kenny Ackerman's squad" They let Kenny have his own fucking squad? What kind of shit was that? "Ackerman?" "They found no journal" Yep. That was definitely Kenny. He had such a way with words... if only he had a way with worms... Levi mentally snorted at himself. Eren would laugh at that one, if his boyfriend knew who Kenny was "You do realise it's an offence to lie while under oath" "Quit bustin' my balls. They said they didn't find another, other than that knocked up brat" Levi swallowed hard. He'd been purposely trying not to think of the baby. Zackley shot Kenny what looked to be a look of annoyance, before leaning further forward "You were asked to provide Eren for cross examination today. Yet, he is not present" "He tried to escape, injuring those providing his care. Since his arrest, he's continued to suffer violent outbursts. Under Government orders, he is currently receiving psychiatric care. They believe it is a type of madness, caused by his Lycanthropy" In other words, they were torturing him. They had him locked up, and were experimenting on him, like he was a shitty dog "Then a report regarding his condition should have been presented before time" "There was an incident that happened last night while preparing him. Once his restrains were loosened, he attempted to kill the squad sent to transfer him" Kenny looked so fucking smug. Zackley was no idiot, but the man didn't call him out "Commander Smith, how often did Eren exhibit violent behaviour whilst under your care?" "Rarely" "That's funny. The reports from members of the Survey Corps say otherwise. Including an incident where he broke Levi's nose, and an incident where he had to be forcibly restrained by the Captain" "Both times were simple misunderstandings between them. As we all know, all couples fight, even fake ones" Levi never thought himself particularly slow, but he wasn't grasping the reason Erwin insisted on calling his and Eren's relationship fake. He hated it. Each time the man drove the nail in further, he wanted to call him out. What he had with Eren, that was their business "Captain Levi, perhaps you can explain?" "We already know his judgement has been compromised. We've all heard the rumours of his role in Eren's pregnancy" Kenny leant forwards, ashing his cigar as he did "Captain Levi?" "The first time Eren was restrained was due to him being upset. The boy was merely having a tantrum. The broken nose was by accident. He was reading and I leant in to close. He snapped his head up, and into my nose. Nothing malicious was meant by it" Small lies of no consequence, though the first instance, he'd been in the wrong. And why was no one talking properly about Eren's pregnancy?! Was his boyfriend still pregnant? And if Erwin was free? couldn't he step in on Eren's behalf? "So Eren never acted in a way to cause others harm?" "No. He even went as far to let himself be bashed, and nearly stabbed to death, rather than to shift or fightback" Zackley frowned deeply, the ridges between his brows turning until valleys "And his work in the field?" "He has been a valuable asset. His sense of smell, and enhanced vision have been the key to solving multiple cases. He has placed himself in dangerous situations more than once to protect his team" "Yes... well..." Dok scoffed, while Kenny let out a soft laugh "He couldn't have done that fine of a job, if they're all dead" "Eren was not responsible for their deaths. He was close with Olou, Petra, Eld and Gunther. When Olou was hurt, he rushed to get him help. When the scouting mission failed, he shifted, saving the members on the mission" "Were not here to praise the boy. His actions are clear. He is a threat who should be eliminated" "Eren is not a fucking threat. He wouldn't fight back, unless he had a good fucking reason to. Did you even try talking to him, sanely and rationally? Or did you start cutting him up and torturing him again? Yes he's part wolf, but he's also part human and that human part wishes for nothing more than annihilation of the werewolf race, and the reclamation of the land beyond the walls" "That's enough, Captain Levi" "It's not enough. The mission to Shinganshima went to shit because most of the soldiers had never seen a werewolf, and shat themselves. We were also dealing with a ghoul in our ranks. A lack of communication and mistrust between the three branches. The soldiers aren't being adequately trained in regards to real life battles, and that lead to the majority of deaths. So before you try blaming Eren for everything, take a good hard look at your own branches!" Levi's tone had started off icy cold, yet somehow he'd progressed to yelling. Well fuck... looking at the three commanders, he was angered further as Pixies snorted. A grin on the man's face as he fished out his silver flask. Zackley was none too impressed "Captain Levi, you are dismissed" It was probably for the best. He just couldn't keep his cool while his lover's reputation was being picked to shreds. Stalking out the courtroom, he tore the cravat from around his neck, as he sucked in a deep breath. Shitty fucking arseholes! Left to pace, Levi expected to be alone for the remainder of the meeting. He didn't expect Kenny to come waltzing through a side door, like he owned the goddamn court. Eyeing him up and down, the man let out a laugh "Well, well, well. The brat grew up" "With no help from you. The last time I saw you, I was shovelling dirt over the shitty face of yours" "Did I teach you to always make sure they're actually dead?" "Next time you won't be so lucky" "Next time? Ha. You think you have any power here? You're out of your league" "If that's all you've come to say, you can kindly fuck off" "Don't you want to know about that wolf of yours. That tight arse of his... I can see why it got that little pecker of yours up" Levi snarled, while Kenny laughed in his face "Those green eyes of his. So filled with hope... at least they used to be. He was so easy to break" "What the fuck did you do to him?" "Me? As if I'd stoop low enough to lay my hands on a mutt like him. I was shocked when he declared you were fucking him" "Where the fuck is he?" "As if I'd tell you that" Charging Kenny, the man laid him out with a single kick to the chest, before pulling his guns and aiming straight at his face "Still the same brat" "What's in it for you old man? I never thought you'd become a dog. Does your master feed you that well?" "Not everyone survives on dog blood" Laughing, Kenny slung his guns back in his halter, already bored of him "Let's just see where your confidence is when your master kicks you to the curb" Walking back through the door he'd appeared from, Levi was left on the floor. His heart was racing, he wanted to scream. Kenny was supposed to be fucking dead, and now he had access to Eren. The man wouldn't just be hanging around following orders. There had to be something more in it for him... more than Dok was providing.

[waters-alma]

All That I Ask

Alina felt the absence of the light, the vacant space in her chest rotting away inside of her. None of them had expected this, the price of losing her power. It had been glorious the way it left her to bless the otkazat'sya, her final act as a saint, but no one expected the sickness that came later, the decay that ripped through her once healthy body.

It had laid dormant for a few months and Alina chalked her quickening exhaustion and fatigue to the loss, after all she had been used to the constant hum of energy within her. But as her skin began to dry and crack at the smallest breeze, her white hair turning brittle and dull far too quickly for comfort, Mal had suspected something much darker. He summoned their friends to Karamzin, desperate for a tonic or tincture to ease the symptoms until Alina’s body grew used to the absence.

“Grisha draw strength from their power,” Genya hummed, “It’s normal that lack of use would deteriorate the body,”

Alina sat on a chair, all too thin and breath too laboured for comfort. She knew, deep inside, that something was very wrong inside of her and she knew exactly what it was. Alina refused to even think it, but soon enough her friends would come to the same conclusion and that would be that. She watched them silently, sadly, avoiding Nikolai’s steady gaze from across the room.

“But Alina has no power to summon, anymore,” David spoke softly, an apologetic look in his eyes as he glanced at his friend. No one wanted to remind Alina of what she had lost but it was all too obvious.

“She’s an otkazat'sya-“

“No, she isn’t,” Zoya snapped, cutting Mal off, “She never was,”

“It’s not something you can swap between, Mal,” Genya’s voice dropped, “Grisha is who you are, we don’t get sick, we get stronger. A Grisha has never lost their power before, that we know of, and the thought of it alone is… terrifying,”

“So if simply not using the power severely weakens a Grisha,” Nikolai said stiffly, his expression unreadable as he turned his black gaze on Genya, “What would it be like to have it torn from you?”

His words sent shivers down everyones spine. Torn from you, the phrasing was brutal, but accurate in Alina’s mind. She could feel the fraying edges in her chest, tickling her insides and polluting her blood. She could hear Genya prattle on about tests and healers, Nikolai insisting on moving Alina to the Grand Palace but she tuned them out, it was hard to focus when she couldn’t feel her heart beat in her chest, when the only sound in her ribs was a death rattle. It was ironic, really, how less than a year ago she had been faced with an endless expanse of time in front of her, and now Alina’s own mortality was something she was so aware of that she had to choke down a laugh at the thought.

“I’m going to die,” Alina whispered, and silence was deafening around her as stunned eyes glistened with fear, “I can feel it,”

Mal stormed out of the room, doors slamming behind him. Zoya’s jaw tightened as her whole body stiffened. Genya’s green eye overflowed with tears as she laced her finger’s with David’s, continuing her planning with a stoney-eyed Nikolai.

—

Alina was stuck in a period where everything had gone downhill but she couldn’t find the strength to care. She was falling to pieces bit by burning bit and it was only a matter of time before she was gone completely, her bones turned to ash and whatever memory held of her fading more and more with each passing day.

“What does it feel like?” a healer asked her, documenting each and every little thing.

“Like i’m dying,” Alina smiled, the absence hadn’t taken her sense of humour.

“Now now, sunshine,” Nikolai’s smile was crooked, amused, “as much as i love your wit, this might be the time for an actual answer,”

Alina knew it hurt him to use the nickname. She was less sunshine and more graveyard these days.

“I can feel the absence expanding,” Alina hated the way people looked at her now, “winding it’s way through my system. Yesterday it was down my forearm and today it’s reached the very tips of my fingers, curled around my bones like vines,”

That’s how it was when you were dying, when you could feel every little thing the sickness was taking from you. Except Alina could see what it was taking from everyone else, too.

“I can feel my insides shutting down,” she finished, keeping her eyes locked with Nikolai’s.

Alina used to wonder why this was happening, her power had left her, not the other way around. Saints knew she’d use it if she could but that’s not how this worked. She had to pay a price for using the third amplifier and that’s exactly what she was doing. Alina tried to block out the sadness around her, letting the healers and Genya do whatever they needed to her, she let David hook her up to strange machines that monitored her heart-rate and vital signs, rigging it to set off alarms at the slightest sign of danger so she could be watched 24/7.

She tried to block out the girls she saw Mal lead up to his room every night, he was dealing and that’s all she could ask for, though she didn’t hide her disgust. Nikolai stayed close by her side, never showing his pain or grief, even has he held her hair back as she vomited anything her stomach managed to let go of. Sometimes it was food she’d somehow been able to keep down for little while, other times it was blood, though neither seemed to faze him.

Nikolai looked at her like she was still Alina, sick and pale and tired looking, but still the Alina he had come to love. For once she was going to allow herself to lean on that because she had to feel her life slowly slip away and, saints she was going to be gone soon and she didn’t want to die alone. Mal had come to find solace in the arms of other women and Alina didn’t blame him, better he start to move on while she was still here to try and hate him, because no one felt sad when someone who despised you died. He had been there when the healers had given their best approximation for the time she had left, and he celebrated by drowning himself in whatever poison was strong enough to numb the pain, usually kvas, because if Alina couldn’t drink herself into oblivion then he was more than happy to do it for her. She had moved into a separate bedroom as the floor piled high with empty bottles and underthings from strange women, Genya creating a place for herself on the daybed she dragged away from the window. The sunlight only served to tease them, it seemed.

Nikolai was the only one who let her speak about her death freely. He was already grieving her, getting his chance to say goodbye while she was here to allow him to let her go.

“I’m so tired of trying to hold it together,” Alina whispered, hands shaking as she stared at the grey veins that snaked under her skin, “I know I’m never going to get better, I just need them to see that,”

“They will, sweetheart,” Nikolai traced the skeins of darkness under her skin, “They just need time,”

“I can’t wait around for them to be ready. I can’t even remember the last time I felt anything other than pain, Nikolai, I just want to be done,”

Alina heard the man beside her suck in a shaky breath.

“It was a great world we lived in. I loved you so much I thought I would break for it,” Nikolai’s voice was smooth, even and eloquent as ever, “you were a light that never dimmed,”

Alina didn’t miss how he spoke about her in past tense, it put her at ease, even as Nikolai kept his head down, ankles crossed and back straight as he leaned against the pillows at his back.

“Some people have a beauty in the simplest of movements. I could spend hours finding oceans in the whorls of your fingertips. Every part of you was a mystery, a delight, a gift, Alina,” Nikolai gently placed a finger under her chin, lifting her gaze to meet his. His hazel eyes were sad, glistening with tears as he leaned in to place a kiss on her forehead so gentle she wasn’t sure if she even felt it. “Say your goodbyes, sunshine, and be done. You deserve anything your broken little heart desires, even if it is an ending,”

Alina brushed her fingers across Nikolai’s cheek, smiling softly as he closed his eyes and leaned into her.

“Thank you” she whispered. She wouldn’t say that she loved him, she wouldn’t say it to anyone these days, the words only brought more unnecessary pain.

Alina slipped down from her bed, leaving Nikolai to collect himself in private. He would be okay, she had faith in him to guide the others into acceptance, to understand her thoughts. Alina swayed on her feet, desperately trying to ignore the nausea that swirled through her body. She made her way down the hall, every ounce of her being telling her to turn back, that she didn’t want to do this because she was going to die tonight and Mal was going to be okay, he was going to live and she couldn’t help but resent him a little for that.

The door was ajar and Mal sat at the foot of his bed, his head buried in his hands. Alina cleared her throat and he shot up to meet her gaze, his eyes bloodshot and broken as he stared back at her. He dared not say anything as he slipped back on the bed, resting against the headboard as he held his arms out to her.

Alina sucked in a deep breath, steeling what was left of her heart as she crawled onto the bed beside him, breath coming in short pants as she laid her head against his chest. Alina ignored the scattered bottles of whiskey and kvas that littered the floor, the shattered glasses and the way his shoulders shook ever so slightly. Her skin prickled with goosebumps, she felt wrong in so many ways because she was the one dying and yet Alina could see pieces falling off of Mal and settling in her lap, like he was telling her to take them with her to the grave.

“I don’t know what to say,” she whispered, squeezing his hand as tightly as she could.

“Then don’t say anything,” Mal replied, voice rough and thick with tears, “Let’s just sit here and pretend like we’re not scared of what happens next,”

Alina nodded, he seemed to know what she was going to do, but the silence lasted a whole of six seconds before he was talking once again.

“Hold me,” he whispered and Alina froze.

“Mal-“

“Please, if this is my last night with you then all I ask is that this is the way I remember us,” his voice hitched in his throat and Alina couldn’t bring herself to look up at him, she tried too hard to steel herself against her feelings for him to breakdown now, “I’m not asking for forgiveness, but it matters how tonight ends. It matters how we end,”

Alina nodded, thankful for the way Mal moved swiftly, turning his head away from her as he laid down on his pillows. Alina wrapped her arms around his waist and she couldn’t help but find it amusing that she was the big spoon.

She buried her face in the hair at the nape of his neck, inhaling his familiar scent and suddenly Alina felt tears slide down her cheeks. She didn’t nothing to stop them, settling for tightening her hold on Mal, trying her hardest to keep him from falling apart as he curled up in her arms.