#like the amount of sad that I am about this probably seems crazy

[soodoonimin]

Could you imagine someone loving you the way Venom loves Eddie? It doesn’t even have to be romantic love. Could you imagine someone loving you so much that they are truly willing to die for you on three separate occasions? Could you imagine being on someone’s mind so often that even if the gestures they perform aren’t perfect, they’re still thoughtful and tailored to basically what you need? Could you imagine someone having such pure and unfiltered affection for you that it seemingly never fails to make itself known when they’re talking to you or about you or something that’s even tangently related to you?

The way Venom loves Eddie actually makes me sick because it really is something that could only exist in fiction.

And I’ve always said Venom and Eddie are probably the closest thing Marvel will get to soulmates without straight up making soulmates. Like even though the Sony movies were not by any means perfect, you could still tell that at least someone cared enough about these characters to give them some qualities that make the two of them work. And even if some people don’t want to admit it or acknowledge it, what really makes Venom as a concept work is the push and pull nature of Eddie and the symbiote’s relationship and how despite their troubles (internal or external) they do love each other deeply and that love they feel for each other is nothing to be ashamed of.

And when they do make their way back to each other (because they always do) I hope whoever writes/directs that movie understands this. 😭

[mins-fins]

all flights are delayed !

"i like to call myself a pretty man connoisseur.."

synopsis: your sad to say it, but you don't have much going on in your life. you have a very time consuming major, just a few friends, barely any time to go out, and spend most of your free time either a: working, or b: sleeping. so for once, when you finally have the friday off, and your dragged off to go watch a football game between a rival school of yours, you really do wish you were anywhere else. somehow though, it turns out to be one of the best things to happen to you, because a charming oreo–haired musical theater major from your rival school just happens to saunter his way into your life, you didn't expect to fall in love in your junior year, but your also not complaining!

pairing: xiao dejun x male!reader

genre: college au, strangers to friends to lovers, musical theater major!xiaojun x health science major!reader, fluff, like the lightest of angst, lowkey fast burn 😖

warnings: swearing, mentions of drinking, kissing(?), gay people, a little miscommunication, reader having a crisis over oreo xiaojun, probably a lot of repetitive phrases, huang guanheng is EVERYWHERE

word count: 12.8k

notes: OKAAAAAAAY hello! now in the beginning i really did enjoy writing this but after like the fourth scene its all so disgusting and jumbled up but i am also very proud of myself because this is the longest ever fic i have ever written (it is all xiao dejuns fault), actually it is ALL of nct's fault because why do i have a bunch of 8k word fics of so many nct members..😢 anyway if this seems any rushed or makes absolutely no sense at times its because im tired and i worked extra today but it doesn't really matter because constructive criticism is good (i shouldn't even publish this tbh) but there is a first for everything! enjoy!

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN A FOOTBALL FAN. now you know that might be a little of a sour opinion, especially to the men in your family, but it's just never been a sport you enjoy. it is just a little fun to watch, especially when drunk, because the sight of men in tight ass clothes running around a field chasing a ball is possibly one of the funniest things you think your drunk mind has ever seen. which is why now— in the stands, listening to the loud shouts and screams from your schoolmates, and rival scholars, you feel as if your ears have just been popped.

after all the days of working, and doing nothing but schoolwork, you were glad to have the rest of the friday off. there was nothing else you wanted to do but put on an oversized sweater, make a bowl of ramen and rewatch gossip girl for the seventy fifth time already (yes, you keep count), but no— guanheng decided he was going to drag you out of the dorm to watch stupid football game, one about "school spirit" or whatever, you weren't paying attention to him when he decided to go on his ramble, and now he's abandoned you once again! probably off to go talk to one of his 1000 other friends or something.

you almost consider leaving, but then you witness the amount of people you'd have to maneuver through, the amount of excuse me's you'd have to utter, the amount of pushing you'd endure as you tried to make your way through the crowded stands, besides, you can't leave without guanheng, your pretty much the only person responsible for keeping him alive at this point.

so you somehow suck it up and manage to stick around. your ears are practically on fire right now, and you desperately want to take off your shoes because of how they are poking you at the moment. you almost feel like your being pressed together by all the people in the stands, as if walls are slowly pushing in and crushing every single bone in your body.

"that team is doing horribly.." you mutter to yourself in an attempt to calm your crazy mind.

"i know, we suck".

at first you think you've made up the voice, because in the past hour and a half all you've heard is shouting, cheering, and loud music blasting on your ears, no one has made any attempt to talk to you since guanheng up and left you alone in the stands, so the response almost seems like muddled up words created by your brain as a response—

but it's not.

someone actually did respond to you, and in a split second there is a completely new person standing beside you, also observing the game but not looking as pleased to be there. when you do glance to your left, you come across possibly the most beautiful boy— no, person, you come across the most beautiful person you think you've ever seen in your twenty years of living, for once it feels like everything stops.

you are not the kind of person that just.. does that. now you've met tons of pretty people, you've met so many people that you could definitely say are so beautiful they could be displayed in a museum as an art exhibit, but never in your twenty years of living have you ever seen yourself go silent at the sight of a beautiful person— your brain feels like it's malfunctioning, you're not exactly sure what to say, you open your mouth but no words come out, and you almost consider punching yourself because you probably look like a complete idiot right now.

"oh? you don't go here?"

that's what you decided to say? of all things you could've said, of course he doesn't go to your school, he just implied that the other team belonged to his school, why would that be the best thing to say out of everything else?

the stranger looks up, then he laughs, and your not sure how you keep your composure. "oh no, i go to vixsith" he replies, using his thumb to point backward, though he's not pointing at anything in specific, just pointing to point. you're not sure why you pick up on that, or why you're even watching where his hands are going anyway.

"your insulting your own team?" you inquire, and he laughs even harder at your question, covering his mouth with his hand. "this is about school spirit, have faith in them" you joke, and all he does is continue laughing, crossing his arms as he tries his best to calm himself down.

"i'm being honest, the only person on that team who knows how to play is mark, he deserves better" he remarks, eyes focused on the player he just named. he then seems to have a random realization and turns to you once again. "i'm dejun by the way" he holds out his hand for you to take, and you just blink at it like an idiot, before coming back to your senses and quickly shaking his head.

"y/n".

at the sound of your name, he seems to have yet another realization. he points at you and narrows his eyes. "we have a mutual friend don't we?"

at the question, you narrow your eyes, cogs turn in your brain as you think about who he could possibly be referring to, then it comes to you—

"guanheng".

the two of you say his name in unison, and the two of you both try to stifle your laughs as the realization dawns on you. "he knows everyone i swear" you mutter, and dejun snorts, looking away from you to laugh. "even from other schools.."

"oh we go way back" dejun responds, moving his hair out of his face. "middle school actually" he adds, and your eyes widen, as if your shocked, of course guanheng has friends from way back when, why are you surprised?

you don't feel as surprised as you do lucky..

"was he still as inhumanely flexible as he is now?"

dejun laughs again, he does that a lot. "yes, yes he was".

"he talks about you a lot.. you know" dejun comments out of the blue, tucking his hair behind his ear. "he basically lives with us, and if he's not sleeping over we always assume he's with you".

"oh so that's why he always just.. appears and disappears.."

"yeah that's kind of his thing" dejun scrunches his face, looking bored by the lack of action happening on the field. "i can never find him unless he directly comes to me first" he doesn't look at you as he says those words, but you're very much staring at him the whole time.

you almost feel like a creep in a way, you want to punch yourself in the face again for continuing to stare at him. you blink a couple times before turning your face away, trying to correctly articulate your thoughts.

"both teams suck".

you only say those words because you want him to continue talking, you want to hear him talk, it's nothing that crazy, having a conversation with him is just so intriguing to you for some reason..

"well yeah— but you guys get more training so you have an advantage" he comments, narrowing his eyes at the field, arms crossed over his chest. "the guys on our team have no idea what their doing".

"do you like football?" you ask, not sure why your so interested in his answer, you just are, you have no explanation for your sudden intrigue of this charming oreo–haired boy that goes to your rival school.

your much too distracted by how gorgeous he is to worry about giving yourself an explanation.

dejun laughs again, shaking his head. "not really, my dad does, so i just know things because of all his screaming and shouting" he replies, arms still crossed over his chest. "i'm not really a sports person, i do musical theater for pete's sake".

"oh so you sing?" you don't mean to ask another question, you're worried that you might be bothering dejun with your constant inquiries, but he actually seems glad, excited that someone is asking him about his major.

"well yeah" he responds, his smile growing. "all things theater, i write the songs, i act the parts, i play instruments, sometimes i even take offstage roles instead of my usual onstage ones".

he fiddles with his fingers, picking his nails. you assume, from his mannerisms, that he doesn't know what to say because most people don't really ask him about his major, or what he does, it's like he's elated that you even asked him.

"what about you?" dejun instead asks, veering away from the topic of his major and instead making yours the main topic of discussion. "what do you do?"

"health science" you say the words as if it pains you to, like it's the single most uninteresting thing you've said this whole interaction. "i know, it's boring".

dejun laughs again; "no no! i didn't say that!" he waves his hands in a disagreeing manner as he chuckles at your words. "i just don't meet a lot of people interested in pursuing science.."

"it's more of the health aspect than science actually" you mutter, and dejun just looks even more interested in what you have to say now. "but science is a big part of it so.."

"you must be very smart then" dejun remarks, smiling as the two of you make eye contact.

"i'm alright" you just say, finally pulling down your formerly rolled up sweater sleeves now that the air outside has begun cooling down. you only lightly shiver, and you glance back at dejun one more time..

"where do you think guanheng is?" he asks, clearing his throat as he scours the still full and lively bleachers, searching for your friend. "off doing whatever he does.."

you're currently very distracted, and you don't even realize what's going on when you snap out of whatever daze you were having and everyone is suddenly standing up and cheering like there's no tomorrow.

dejun looks over at you, and he can clearly see how confused you are because he laughs for one last time. "you guys won!" he somehow manages his voice over the roar of the crowd. "congrats!"

he's yelling, but he's not exactly loud, he still manages to sound so gentle whilst yelling at you.

"thanks!" you blurt out as a reply, and you feel like a complete idiot for that, but dejun smiles, so you don't feel all that embarrassed.

the game is over, and people are going to start to leave soon. dejun looks back, spotting a group he recognizes, then he looks over at you, a smile on his face. "i've gotta go now" he says, almost disappointed in a sense. "it was nice meeting you y/n!"

you nod, not knowing what to say. "yeah! you too!"

you too? you too?? is that what you say y/n!?

dejun gives one more beautiful smile before heading off, and you blink, having absolutely no idea what just transpired in those few minutes.

holy shit i forgot to ask—

but you couldn't— because he was gone, gone in such a flash you couldn't even spot his oreo hair in the crowd.

YOU FORGOT TO ASK FOR HIS NUMBER. YOU FEEL SO STUPID, your not even sure why you wanted to ask him that, but in the back of your mind that was the question you were preparing yourself to ask from the moment he told you his name, that he was friends with guanheng, the moment the two of you began laughing about your majors and stuff like that. the whole interaction with a pretty oreo–haired musical theater major at a football game is all that you were thinking about last night, as you tried to find pretty much anything else to think about as you struggled to sleep.

how did you forget to ask him for his number? you want to smash your face into your computer screen because of how stupid you are. you said "you too!" like a fucking idiot, but maybe you were just too distracted, he was smiling at you with that beautiful smile and staring at you with his absolutely gorgeous fucking eyes, how could you even think coherently whilst a beautiful man (from a whole other school but who cares?) was staring at you with his pretty brown eyes like you were the only person in the world?

okay your pushing it now..

but there is just something, something about him that drew you in, your not sure why you were so adamant on getting to know him, but he was just so— you can't explain it right now! you are currently very sleep deprived and also moody because of your disappearing roommate that always decides to appear at the worst times.

you don't remember the last time you ever got an actual eight hours of sleep, these days that seems like a dream more than a reality, but guangheng is just never tired. he's somehow always up, doing something, hanging out with people, he never sits down in once place and just stays still.

when he walks into the room, hands on his hips and gaze immediately focused on you, you barely bat an eye at him, just spare him a quick glance, noticing how pissed off he looks. you scour your mind for an explanation as to why he must be mad now, probably something someone said, or he got into yet another argument with one of his classmates, your not even sure anymore, you don't know where he is half the time.

"could you do me a favor?"

you almost laugh out loud, not at him, but at the idea that he wanted you to do him a favor. at this point, he probably owes you thousands of favors considering how many you do for him, but he seems upset, and you don't have any of that pettiness leftover to ignore him, so you move your eyes to look over at him.

"why should i?"

okay— you lied, your still just a little petty, but you totally have every right to be! guanheng deserves just some sass from you after disappearing each and every time he decides to take you out somewhere.

guanheng blinks, then he pulls out the signature guanheng frown, a sad stupid frown he always makes when he wants to persuade you into doing something. you're not sure how you've even ever fallen for that signature frown, maybe it's because he's just so great at looking sad, at looking upset, he somehow always manages to make you feel bad for him, and therefore, end up doing the favor for him.

"because i'm your best friend, your roommate, and you love me so much" guanheng smiles wide, like he just found out he won the lottery, and clasps his hands together as he rocks back and forth on his heels.

"i don't know.." you mumble, looking back at your computer screen. it's a saturday, you have no classes saturday, you can just sit down, relax, be the absolute lazy motherfucker you were put on this earth to be. "i don't feel like going out today".

guanheng huffs, crossing his arms. "one last favor! just one! then i'll get off your back!"

"your horrible at following your promises, heng" you comment absentmindedly, your tone is much meaner than you intended, and guanheng's gasp is enough to tell you that he indeed takes offense to those words. "what? i'm not lying".

"y/n!" oh great, he's whining now. "i will get you anything i can, anything! just this one favor! please?"

your about to say no again— but then it's like a lightbulb goes off in your head, and you get a spectacular idea. anything? he did say anything, and he can give you something you want.

the number of a pretty boy preferably!

you let out a sigh, and guanheng knows what that sigh means, it means you agree. "fine, i'll do you this favor, but this is the last one".

guanheng's smile brightens, and he cheers like a kid that just got the best christmas present one can receive. "thank you! thank you! thank you! i love you!" he kisses your cheek, and skips off to another room.

"get your jacket!" he shouts, already rooms away from you, so he has to shout.

"what?"

"get your jacket! were leaving!"

you furrow your eyebrows at his words, but you don't say anymore, because you did agree to do this favor for him after all.

so, without questioning it more, you get up and go grab your jacket.

"SO WHEN YOU SAID A FAVOR..?" you don't continue on with your sentence, pausing to let out a breath as you shove your hands into the pockets of your jackets. guanheng looks over at you, and he just chuckles at the unreadable expression on your face. when you agreed to do this favor for him, you didn't know it included leaving your dorm and having to be dragged out to yet another unfamiliar place. "did you forget to mention the fact that we'd have to leave the school?" you finally finish, eyes focused and narrowed on your friend, who again, smiles at you with that signature guanheng smile.

"it's a saturday, most of us don't have classes anyway, they won't question it".

"is that supposed to make me feel better?" you ask to yourself more than to guanheng, but he hears you anyway, and that results in a snicker from him. despite that, he doesn't respond to your silent question, making you frown just the slightest.

"stop pouting".

"i'm not pouting" your quick to rebut, rolling your eyes at his words. you almost bump into him when he suddenly stops, and your about to yell at him again for being stupid when he places a finger on your mouth.

he knocks on the door in front of him, not paying attention to the burning glare your currently sending him.

"i'll bite off your finger" you threaten, moving forward and pretending your about to do that. guanheng squeaks and quickly moves his fingers away from your lips, a flash of true fear in his eyes. all you do is give him a menacing and totally not threatening smile.

"psycho.." he whispers, he looks like he's about to say more, but the door opens, so he closes his mouth and turns around.

"come on!"

he grabs your wrist and drags you into the dorm, and you felt your heart rate increase. maybe he knew these people, but you sure didn't! what if they thought you were weird? you want to pull him back and tell him that he shouldn't just drag you into some strangers dorm, but he is much too distracted to even notice your uneasiness.

"i've returned!" guanheng yells, letting go of your hand to place his hands on his hips, as if he was proud of himself.

"can you slam the door on him!?"

"ten! come to me!"

before you can ask him what the hell is going on, he sprints down the hallway, you assume to go after this ten person, you just blink, shoving your hands into your pockets as you begin to rock back and forth on your heels.

"hello stranger!" an unfamiliar voice exclaims, you look up and come face to face with a pink–haired boy with a bright smile.

"hello" you reply politely. "i like your hair" you immediately remark, pointing at his hair like an idiot because you don't want to touch it and make him uncomfortable.

his face lights up, as if you were a millionaire that just gifted him a life changing amount of money. it was as if no one ever told him that his hair was pretty before, or that they liked it. he jumps up and squeals, excited. "thank you! ten said it was stupid!"

you furrow your eyebrows, then chuckle. "what? no it's very pretty, pink suits you!"

"hah! i told you guanheng! pink does suit me!" he yells down the hall, and you can hear the small shout of rebuttal that guanheng responds with from all the way down the hall. "thanks! only a few people actually noticed that i dyed my hair".

you laugh again, okay he is very funny, you like him!

"oh! i'm yangyang! the nicest person who lives here!" he introduces himself in the same fashion a reality tv star would, and quickly grabs your hand to shake it. you don't complain, just laugh again as he vigorously shakes your hand.

"y/n, it's nice to meet you".

he gasps, recognizing your name. "oh you're the famous y/n! guanheng always talks about you, for a long time i was convinced he was in love with you!"

"why are you tarnishing my brand!?" guanheng shouts again, sounding even more pissed off than he did before. "huh!? liu yangyang!?"

yangyang shakes his head, ignoring guanheng's loud shouts and flapping his hand, mocking him. you laugh as you watch him mock the other, who has absolutely no idea what he's doing right now.

"you have a project to do!" another unfamiliar voice shouts.

yangyang gasps again, suddenly looking stressed. "fuck yeah— um!" he turns around and reaches over to grab his laptop, then he turns back to you and gives you a smile.

"yeah, my apologies" you just wave it off, urging him to keep going. "um i'm doing a project where i have to interview people on their majors.. trust me i don't know either, but! i've interviewed like the whole school already, and i need one more person.."

"and that person is me?" you ask, but you already know the answer to that question, yangyang nods, much more quickly than he seemed to intend to.

"yes!" he exclaims, but then he clears his throat. "but only if you want to, i don't want to force you into anything you don't want to do—"

"no no no it's fine!" you cut into his sentence, shaking your head. yangyang, again, looks elated that you agreed.

okay so this was the favor guanheng wanted you to for him! (not for him necessarily— but his friend). he could've just told you about this straight up instead of being vague about it, it wasn't even that burdening of a favor, not like the other ones you've done for him.

"guanheng! why don't you bring him around more often? he's better than you are!" yangyang yells again, probably for the nth time that hour.

guanheng doesn't answer, but you knows he's pouting, you can just sense it at this point, you call it your "roommate instincts".

"oh hi y/n".

now that's a voice you recognize, and you almost don't believe your eyes when the one person that kept you up all night walks into the room and smiles as he sees your figure. "dejun, hi" you smile back at him, hoping you don't sound as awkward as you feel.

dejun looks so so pretty, as he always does. he fiddles with the necklace hanging around his neck, his eyes lingering on you for an unspecified amount of time.

"ten hit me with his shoe" guanheng suddenly storms into the room, arms crossed over his chest. "asshole.." he mutters under his breath, huffing like some sort of baby.

dejun then laughs, covering his mouth with his hand, and that causes you to laugh, turning your head to the side as to not make it obvious.

guanheng exchanges glances between the both of you, a prominent glare in his eyes, but then the look in his eyes changes, and he points at the two of you. "you two have met?" he asks.

dejun pauses, still humored by the previous words said by guanheng, and your brain almost malfunctions once again. "i— um" great, you just sound so natural and not awkward.

"we met at the game" dejun immediately says, saving you the awkwardness of having to collect your words in your brain. you thank whatever god or deity up there for dejun's quick response, and he just flashes you that familiar pretty smile. "yesterday, you know, while you were off doing who knows what.."

guanheng gasps, looking at dejun like he'd just cursed his entire bloodline. "you— your just such a bitch! you know!?"

"ow! don't punch me! i'm fragile!"

guanheng lands one more punch on his shoulder, and it gets one more squeak out of dejun, who jumps once again. "i don't care, your horrible".

yangyang blinks, probably already used to their little quarrels. he then turns to you, just shaking his head as they continue to whisper–argue. "so, what do you major in?"

it's almost like you totally forgot, his project, the thing that guanheng dragged you here to help him with. "health sciences, i take courses in everything related to healthcare and like— half actual science courses?"

"so your looking to work in healthcare?"

"yeah basically, i've already taken courses in emergency service's, becoming a paramedic is my top option!"

yangyang gasps at your words, he looks over at guanheng, then quickly back at you. "are you single?" he asks, again with the same quickness.

dejun snorts, hitting guanheng as begins laughing hard. guanheng scrunches his nose, staring at yangyang like he's crazy. "what kind of question is that!?"

"what? that is a totally valid question to ask!" he exclaims, crossing his arms. "it's for my project! clearly!" he lies.

"your— oh my god, unbelievable".

"so are you?" yangyang asks again, looking at you with suspenseful eyes. he is very much interested in your answer it seems.

your finally finished with your laughing fit, and nod, still very amused. "yes i am, i'm single".

"good, this is very important information".

yangyang gives you a giddy look, and dejun just continues to laugh.

you're not sure why your so focused on him though..

YOU AGAIN, HAVE NO LUCK SLEEPING that night, and after the first hour and a half of tossing and turning, you gave up on trying to chase slumber you knew you wouldn't be able to catch. you assumed that the longer you stared at your computer screen, the quicker you'd get tired and the quicker your eyes would become heavier, but no! it's now almost two in the morning and you still aren't sleepy in the tiniest bit, you didn't know insomnia got this bad, if you knew this prior to coming back to school this year, you would've bought more of those sleeping pills. you lean your chin onto your hand as your computer continues playing audio from a random episode of brooklyn nine–nine.

the millions of thoughts rampant in your mind were probably distracting you, rendering it impossible to sleep, and also rendering it impossible to focus, seeing as your just looking around your room, which is pretty much boring you considering all you've been doing for the past thirty minutes is looking around your own room.

you think your gonna bore yourself to death, you pretty much prepare to stay up for the next five hours until your alarm rings and startles you out of your daze (which has happened way too many times for your comfort), but then your phone rings.

it's almost two in the morning, who exactly is calling you at this time? who knows that you're awake at 1:56 in the morning and decided to call you? they probably knew you'd pick up..

and you know who it is— it's so obvious.

dejun.

you don't mean to pick up your ringing phone as fast as you do, you want to punch yourself in the face for how desperate you seem, and you almost don't answer the phone because you feel so embarrassed. "hello?"

"hi!" dejun sounds way too joyous for someone who is sleep deprived, and up at 1:57 am. "sorry? was that too loud?"

"no no your fine" you reply, even though the speaker is on, guanheng can quite literally sleep through anything, there was one time the fire alarm was going off for a good ten minutes and he didn't even budge. "guanheng is a pretty heavy sleeper".

"he's lucky, i can't sleep" the sound of shuffling on the other line resonates in your ears, and dejun huffs, sounding frustrated. "you were the only person i assumed would be awake".

you snicker. "why is that?" you inquire, he was right, of course, but you just wanted to hear his reasoning, and also wanted him to keep talking.

you really like dejun's voice for some reason, it just scratches the right part of your brain. in these past two days you realized that you like a lot of things about dejun, many more things than you thought you might.

"your major has the word 'science' in it so i just assumed the amount of sleep you get is slim to none".

now that gets another laugh out of you, you laugh much more than you intend to, but also— it's dejun, and you can't resist the loud laugh that escapes your lips.

oh your such a desperate little bitch—

"well you'd be correct" you respond, humming as you pick at your nails. "at this point sleeping is beginning to make me tired".

there's a long pause, and your worried you made everything more awkward, because you don't hear anything from the other line. for a moment, you're almost convinced dejun hung up on you, but before you can speak he beats you to it.

"i can keep you company until you get tired" he immediately suggests, and you almost choke on your spit when he says that. "i don't mind".

you go silent, feeling as if all logical thoughts in your mind have suddenly disappeared into the air. you might sound like a complete loser right now but that was just so sweet of him to suggest, you smile much too wide for your own comfort, but you don't even think about that, because your just so charmed by the words.

"you are.." you pause, clasping your hands together as you think about what words to say next. "yeah yeah, that's fine" you finally continue, your new words having no connection to the previous ones you previously said, you just hope dejun doesn't notice.

"good! it would've been awkward if you said no" dejun giggles, and you just can't get over how cute he sounds. "plus, i wouldn't want you to be tired in the morning, lord knows how much you do in a day.."

you feel an unfamiliar fluttering feeling in your stomach, because he is so considerate? he wants to help you, he's just being so nice to you at.. two! two in the morning! you bite down on your bottom lip, hoping it doesn't bleed from how hard your tooth drives into it.

"aww, you care about me that much?" you ask, just wanting to hear him talk again. you feel like a teenage girl giggling and kicking her feet over a high school crush, except you can't kick your feet and giggle because then dejun would know.

"okay, be quiet, don't make me hang up".

"okay okay don't do that!" you say, totally meaning to sound as desperate as possible this time. "if your not here i won't ever fall asleep".

you hear something similar to a squeal on the other line, as if dejun had heard your words and just freaked out.

the realization honestly boosted your ego.

"you— you suck!"

"you offered to help me jun, don't get like this now!"

you're not sure how long it goes on for, but you swear you two laugh all night while on the phone.

"SO WHOSE THE GUY?" the question is asked so abruptly that at first, you assume you heard your friend wrong. when you look up, he stares at you with that deadpanned gaze, and that's when you realize he's completely serious. you chuckle at the realization that your friend is sure that your in love with someone (well you are— your just surprised that he figured out so quickly). "what guy? there's a guy?" you tilt your head, acting as if you have no idea what he could possibly be talking about. you giggle as you watch him slowly get even more irritated by your answer.

"you always come in here looking a little less miserable each day" chenle observes, leaning forward as he narrows his eyes at you. "someone is making you excited to live life?"

"do i always come in here looking miserable?" you ask, completely diverting your attention from chenle's previously asked question, which makes him pout.

"yep!" renjun exclaims, sitting beside you, he crosses his legs in his chair and presses his lips into a thin line. "so! who is he?"

the two seem way too excited to know about your never talked about before crush on dejun. now— you didn't know it was so obvious that you were now smitten for this new guy, you're usually the friend that's known from straying the furthest away from love, you don't remember any people you've legitimately liked that weren't elementary school crushes..

so yeah, your friends totally had every right to be surprised, because your absolutely smitten for a man and they just want to know who this man that is making you so happy is!

you hate that you give in so easily. "he's one of guanheng's friends.." you mutter, picking at your nails, looking down to make sure you don't witness renjun and chenle's reactions with your own two eyes.

renjun gasps, sounding like those ladies at the hair salons that just heard the juiciest gossip. "ooh! who? does he go here? do we know him? is he pretty?"

chenle looks over at renjun like he's crazy, that familiar judging stare in his eyes as he watches renjun lean closer to you with a totally not creepy smile on his face. "don't you think your acting a little too interested in this?"

"i just want to know!" renjun shouts, playfully glaring at the younger. he then turns back to you, and you assume his cheeks must be hurting from how hard he seems to be smiling. "tell me please?"

"he's— he's just your run of the mill pretty guy who is nice, and smart, and absolutely adorable who tells horrible jokes that still end up being funny in some way and he has a pretty laugh and i just love his voice, and talking to him, and, i can't even explain it because it'll sound stupid!"

"you sound like a psycho" chenle immediately says, laughing at you like you just confessed to an atrocious crime against humanity. you sink into your chair, slumping towards the side.

"aww! the pessimistic y/n is in love!" renjun squeals, again, like those women at the hair salon who just heard the juiciest gossip. he grabs your arm and shakes you vigorously, causing you to get dizzy in the slightest bit. "i can't believe i've lived to see this day!" he shouts, continuing to shake you as you can't properly get out your cries for help.

"renjun you're gonna kill him" chenle pinches the older in the arm, making him yelp and jump, he giggles as he witnesses the glare the older male sends him, his crushing grip remains around your arm, but you don't even mention at this point, because at least he's not shaking you anymore.

"sorry" he remarks, definitely not sorry as he squeezes your arm once again, beginning to get overly excited. "it's just.. exciting you know?"

"it's exciting that i'm in love with someone?" you raise an eyebrow, and though you expect renjun to respond, chenle quickly does.

"yep! you'll finally be gone!"

his cheer results in a gasp of offense from you, and all chenle does is giggle in victory.

THE ONE THING YOU'VE LEARNED FROM THE now excessive amounts of times you've hung around guanheng's other friends is that they're loud, they are all really loud (even sicheng! who, for a good majority of the time, is always quietly staring at his friends with clear concern in his eyes), even if they don't mean to, they're somehow always either yelling, shouting, or making some sort of scene. they're all just naturally hilarious, like comedians that don't realize they're comedians because they're just being themselves. in the past few weeks, it's like you spend more time with these people that don't go to your school in comparison to people that actually go to your school and that you can see easily.

but if you're being honest, you don't really mind that your spending all your free time with them, because they are indeed very fun to be around (and you get to see dejun much more regularly, which is something you rather enjoy), and because life would be insanely boring if guanheng didn't decide to drag you out of the dorm every other day to go do stupid things with his friends that go to a whole other school.

"you are such a cheater! i won fair and square!"

"you did not! your the cheater! sicheng is my witness!"

sicheng, who was not listening to anything either ten or yangyang had to say, looked over at the younger with a look of concern washed over his features. he blinks as he's suddenly put on the spot, smiling nervously as the youngest stares intensely at him, waiting for his answer. "uh.. i— i don't know".

his delivery makes you burst out laughing, and you cover your mouth with your hand as to not make yourself look like an absolute fool. you don't even realize that you picked up on one of dejun's habits, you might be spending too much time around him..

actually, forget that! there is no such thing as spending too much time around dejun, and that might make you sound like a "simp" but you don't care.

you've fallen, and you've fallen hard.

"okay.." guanheng presses his lips into a thin line, ignoring the way ten and yangyang now begin discussing the logistics of cheating in card games, unfortunately dragging poor sicheng into their argument. he turns to dejun and scoots closer to him. "can you do me a favor?"

dejun groans, playfully rolling his eyes. you assume he's done as much favors for guanheng as you have, and you barely stifle the snicker that dares to escape your lips.

dejun hears the sound, and smacks your arm hard, making you jump. he only gives you a teasing smile before turning to guanheng, having to give him a response.

"at what lengths do i have to go for this favor?"

guanheng scoffs, crossing his arms. "it's nothing insane or anything, i just want you to get me something.."

"and you can't get it yourself because..?"

"i have no money on me" and there goes that signature guanheng frown, dejun opens his mouth to argue but then he shuts it so quickly it seems like he just got out in some sort of trance.

"fine fine" dejun rolls his eyes once again, surrendering much too quickly. "you owe me though—"

"take y/n with you".

there's a pause, both you and dejun go very silent for a moment. whilst dejun is just confused, you absolutely know what guanheng is doing, and you have to use every bit of patience in your body to restrain yourself instead of jumping over the table and tackling him right then and there.

dejun is clearly clueless, though, because he just raises an eyebrow. "why?" he inquires, somehow sounding so sweet even though his question is asked with so much confusion.

"y/n knows what i want".

what a smooth lie, dejun glances over at you, and you just shrug, having no idea what more to say. "he needs to take a walk anyway" guanheng lies again, wow, two in a row! he's on a roll.

"okay..?"

so that's how you find yourself on a walk with the person that you are very much in love with, a somehow comfortable silence spread between the two of you as dejun hums an unfamiliar tune to himself, hands in his pockets, eyes closed as he slowly sways back and forth.

he looks very peaceful, just doing what he does, being effortlessly pretty as he does so, and you observe his behavior, almost entranced by it in a sense.

you only stop when he speaks up—

"do you think they're still arguing?" he suddenly asks, and you snap out of whatever daze you were having, praying that he totally didn't notice you admiring him like a creep. "or are they just.. conversing calmly now?"

you don't want to seem like even much more of a weirdo, but you feel like he asked that question just as an excuse to talk to you, and maybe your thinking too much into it, but you've definitely done that before, so you know what it looks like.

"i hope they aren't still arguing" you answer, and dejun looks up at you, smiling. "that'd be a long ass time to argue".

"well they like arguing just to argue" dejun replies, fiddling with his necklace. "but they're harmless.. for the most part".

his delivery makes you laugh, and you look down at your shoes. "you're a very calm person, you know, the opposite of guanheng".

the sudden statement from dejun makes you look up at him once again, and this time, he's staring directly at you, as if he had been waiting to make eye contact with you the whole time. "calm?"

"well compared to my roommates you are" he giggles, and maybe he doesn't mean to, but he stares at so intensely that your legs feel shaky.

"who knows? maybe i'm a fraud" you tease, purposefully leaning closer to him so your words have an effect. dejun's eyes widen, and he lightly leans away from you, looking speechless. "you'd never know, though".

you don't know how you suddenly got so bold, or why you were so amused at the sight of dejun freaking out, you feel like some sort of genius for what you just did, and you snicker at yourself before leaning back.

dejun takes in a deep breath, looking like he's trying to fix himself. he clears his throat and stumbles through his next words. "i— uh.. you're such an idiot!" he decides to say, crossing his arms over his chest.

your not sure how the two of you became so casual in this amount of time, a few weeks ago, dejun wasn't such a regular figure in your life, and you were just any other college student doing their best to get by, not thinking about falling in love with a gorgeous oreo–haired man—

but you're also not complaining.

you aren't sure how you got so lucky, how it just happened that you could continue to spend time with the cute boy you met at a stupid football game simply because the two of you shared mutual friends, it's one of times guanheng's actually done you a favor, without even realizing it too!

"okay i'm sorry" you giggle, shoving your hands into your pockets, you once again begin taking from dejun's habits and sway back and forth. "seriously!"

"you're unbelievable" dejun exaggerates, rolling his eyes, but it wasn't serious, and you knew it wasn't serious. "but i meant what i said, your calm".

you raise an eyebrow at him, wanting to know more about the observations he has about you. "could you elaborate on that?" you don't mean to laugh, but you do, and it causes dejun to laugh too.

"you just.. seem content with what you have" he explains, but he doesn't explain it enough, so he continues. "like someone could get you a piece of paper as a birthday gift and you'd be pleased".

you laugh, hard, because he somehow managed to get you spot on. you almost feel like he is reading your mind, because he nailed you down with each word. "really? i guess i am like that".

"ah, so my prediction was right then!"

you laugh at how glad he is. "yeah, i am truly not that hard to please, gifts are gifts and if someone gets one for me, there's no use in being mad if the gift isn't something i like, at least they remembered to get me something!"

dejun stares at you for a specifically long time, looking you up and down. he stares at you with warm eyes, a gaze that seems so near and dear to his heart, a gaze so loving that it looked like he was about to get down on one knee and propose to you.

"i like any and all gifts" you continue.

"are there any specific kinds of gifts you like?"

dejun asks that question in a tone that makes it seem like he's totally not trying to sound suspicious, but he is totally asking you that question for a very specific reason.

guanheng must've told him something..

at least, that's what you assume, but dejun is patiently waiting for your answer, and you can't daydream the whole time about the true meaning of his words.

"i like books, plushies, music tapes, vinyl's, you know.. regular gifts that people like receiving".

dejun hums, as if he's noting down the information you're telling him in his mind, still, you don't say anything about his mannerisms, just keep it to yourself.

"are you noting down my reply?"

"i'm just keeping it in mind!" he says, smiling brightly at you. "just in case your special occasion comes up and i don't know what to get you".

oh! so guanheng definitely did tell him something..

"i mean— were friends! any gift from you will be a good gift".

at the word friends, dejun seems to pause, cogs in his brains turning as he tries to process your words. you don't understand why he would be trying to understand your words, because the two of you were clearly friends, did he think you two were something else?

you see the flash of disappointment on his face, but it quickly reverts back to a smile and he simply acts like nothing happened. "sorry, the word 'friends' just caught me off guard".

a lie..

how interesting.

"seriously though, i just want to get you a gift you'll appreciate forever".

but you're already enough for me— do you know how much you've changed my life?

your own thoughts manage to surprise you, because the words that you just told yourself in your own mind startle you enough that you make a judging face at yourself. luckily, dejun is turned away from you, so he doesn't notice.

"well that's thoughtful of you".

"i try my best.." he responds, finally looking back at you with that same loving stare, one that wants to lure you in and make you trip on your own feet.

for some reason, the two of you stop. there's an uncharacteristically long pause, like the world just decided to cease for a moment, and you both are completely stuck in place, just there, staring at each other.

dejun's eyes move, as if scanning your face like a camera, and they (of course) stop at your lips. he stares at them for what seems like forever, and it almost looks like he's restraining himself, but by the way he bites his bottom lip, it's clear—

he wants to kiss you.

and maybe there's a small voice at the back of his head that tells him to cut it out, because he almost immediately snaps out of whatever daze he was having, and clears his throat, his cheeks going a bright red.

"uh— sorry, yeah, um, we should get going" he says, shaking his head as he pulls his sleeves down.

"guanheng will yell at us if we're late".

okay, so he just decides to not talk about it? you want to ask him why he didn't just do it, because he clearly wanted to, but before you can even open your mouth, or get any words out, he grabs your hand and the two of you continue walking back to the group.

he doesn't say anything more, doesn't try to make anymore small talk, and while you do want to bring up what just happened there, you don't.

you just bask in the feeling of dejun's hands intertwined with your own.

it's a good feeling, you decide.

THAT MOMENT IS STUCK ON YOUR MIND for what seems like years. you can't get over it! how he was looking at you, how he clearly wanted to kiss you, but for some reason, decided to stop himself from doing so. you're not sure why you didn't just tell him that it was okay, that you would be completely fine with him kissing you, but you guess that you're just a complete idiot as well, because you just stayed silent throughout the whole thing, the two of you equally deciding in silence to not bring it up, just sitting next to each other in awkwardly for the rest of the night.

and yeah, it's become normal for dejun to constantly run through your mind these days, it's like he has his own subsection in your mind, dedicated to thoughts about him and him only, but it's like he's just become rampant in there ever since that.. thing he did (or should you say, didn't do, considering he decided to not kiss you when the opportunity was right there), maybe you should've pulled him in, maybe you should've (for once) been impulsive and done the first thing put to your mind.

and this crawls through your mind for days, then those days become a good week and a half. now— you and dejun aren't not talking or anything, it was just sort of difficult to look at him without thinking about that.

you're so into your thoughts these days, that you are much more spacey during your classes, at home, and somehow, guanheng picks up on your weird turn, which is crazy, because guanheng was the last person you expected to notice something like that, he usually never notices most things in front of him anyway.

"okay, what the fuck happened?" he decides to randomly drop it on you when he seems to have had enough, which is funny, because he's technically the person that started the whole thing.

you look up from your phone, blinking at him like he just said something out of this world. "hm?" he scoffs at your lack of a response, shoving your shoulder, which results in a glare from you.

"what happened?" he asks again, this time without the extra swear word, he makes himself comfortable on the other side of the couch. "you are acting weird" he points at you accusingly, like you'd just been accused of a crime and he was trying to figure out if you were truly suspicious.

"i don't know what your talking about.."

"stop stalling!" he complains, grabbing your arm and beginning to shake you back and forth. "tell me! you can't keep acting weird and just not tell me what's wrong".

now you want to tell him, but in your mind it sounds so stupid that you feel like guanheng would laugh at you the moment you uttered the first few words of your sentence. "you're going to laugh".

guanheng gasps, offended by your response, though it is true, he just wants to be dramatic. "i won't! i'm concerned! i'm being a good roommate and asking you what's wrong!"

so, you roll your eyes, taking a deep breath. "okay so hypothetically.." you begin, because you have no other idea how to start your sentence.

hypothetically just means = it was indeed not hypothetical!

"hypothetically, uh huh.." guanheng hums, understanding the true meaning your words have. "okay sorry, continue".

"let's just say that, hypothetically, i am totally in love with one of your best friends, and that friend totally wanted to kiss me but then chickened out last minute and like an idiot i didn't say anything and i have no idea how to go about it".

guanheng's eyes widen at your words, and his jaw almost drops. "hypothetically though" you add to the end of your sentence after a long pause.

"right right! hypothetically.." he nods, though he can't contain his look of excitement at the words. "and you didn't kiss him back!?"

you're almost knocked off the chair from how intense his yell is. you groan and cover your face with your hands, embarrassed and ashamed. "i didn't know how to bring it up and not be awkward!"

"just say 'hey dejun you could totally kiss me and it'd be fine because we are both mortifyingly in love with each other'!" guanheng shouts, louder than his previous words. he's always so straight up, and you almost wish you didn't tell him anything. "it's that easy!"

"it is not!" you shout in rebuttal, crossing your arms and frowning. your acting like guanheng at this point, but that's not what you're noticing at this very moment. "it's easy for you! you date people and you kiss people all the time! i don't do that!"

"excuses excuses!"

you're at a loss for words at his lackluster words, you once again, frown and turn away from him. "i'm sorry! i have never been hardcore in love with someone like this before! i don't know how to talk about it!"

guanheng looks like he's about to yell again, but he takes a deep breath and relaxes himself, leaning back in the couch. "okay, i'm sorry for yelling.."

"y/n, you really just need to tell him how you feel straight up, because if you keep stalling than none of you will end up confessing in the end and you'll both just be going through a loop of 'should we or should we not?'"

you blink, staring at guanheng for a good few minutes, honestly surprised. this is probably the best advice he's ever given you, usually, you’re the one that has to give him advice because he always ends up doing something stupid and has someone that wants to murder him because of that stupid thing he did.

"that was actually.. good advice" you reply, laughing at guanheng's eye roll. he just shoves you, making sure he does extra hard this time to get his point across.

"shut up! i always give good advice!"

"you usually don't give any advice at all.." you mutter, running a hand through your hair as you look away from your roommate, who just glares at you like you just committed a federal offense.

"say something again and i'm gatekeeping dejun from you!"

"your what!?"

at the sound of your shout, guanheng giggles as he scurries away, proud of himself for the words that escape his lips.

YOU'RE NOT SURE HOW YOU SOMEHOW LET guanheng drag you off to a party on a friday night where all you wanted to do is relax. parties have never truly been your thing, but that's because being surrounded by a bunch of drunk and high adults just isn't your idea of fun, you're also just not a big drinker, so the only reason you usually even end up at parties is to take guanheng home when he gets too drunk and can't fully articulate his thoughts. so, the fact that guanheng was somehow able to convince you to get out of the house and go to a party when you truly should've been at home, watching horrible sitcoms.

but no, you're here! and you can't leave without guanheng because if you did, he'd probably find a way to end up killing himself, or he'd say the wrong thing to the wrong person and would end up getting punched in the face.

so you find yourself in a familiar spot, your back against a wall as you stare at your phone, somehow able to ignore the hundreds of screaming drunk people that surround you, it's become a skill of yours, and you're not sure how exactly it developed, you've just become such a natural when it comes to ignoring others.

guanheng, of course, has already walked off to do his own thing, but not before reminding you of the advice he'd given you a few days prior, yelling at you to 'just tell the boy you like him!'

maybe his advice is burned into your brain, because now all you wish is that you were with dejun, talking about something stupid, or just talking.

and there must've been somebody listening in on your thoughts, because he suddenly walks around the corner, head whipping around like he's searching for someone.

your not trying to look at him, but he catches your gaze immediately, and he skips towards you like a kid in a candy store.

"hi" he greets, a little giggle to his words. his face is a shade of bright red as he giggles once again, though nothing's funny. "pretty".

he whispers the last word, with the intention of you not hearing it, but his mind must be too clouded for him to realize that he said it much louder than he thought he did, but you don't say anything, just hum.

"hello" you greet back, and he laughs once again, covering his hand with his mouth. "are you okay?"

a loud snicker leaves his lips, and he moves closer to you to link his arm with yours. he rests his head onto your arm, a content smile spreading across his face. "i'm drunk".

his honest answer makes you question his state for a moment, since when do drunk people admit that they're drunk? or maybe he's only just tipsy.. your not sure, but he's not acting like a totally sober person right now.

"are you sure?" you raise an eyebrow, dejun just responds with a small 'hmph', and he keeps your arm linked with his. "dejun".

"yes! i am!" he yells as rebuttal, shaking your arm a few times. "do you wanna smell my breath?"

"oh no no no" you reply, covering his mouth with your hand. he laughs at you, his cheeks as pink as yangyang's hair, he grabs your hands, and whilst yours are cold, his are burning hot. "okay you have energy".

"i'm sorry" he suddenly blurts, another snort escaping his lips as he leans his head against your chest. you give him a look, confused as to why he felt the need to apologize.

"for what?"

"for doing that thing" dejun responds, closing his eyes as he sways back and forth. "i probably made everything awkward, i didn't mean to".

that's what he thinks? he thinks that he made everything awkward? you feel your heart break at the realization, but all dejun does is laugh sadly.

"you didn't— you didn't make everything awkward, it's okay".

dejun laughs again, clearing his throat. "just tell the truth, y/n.."

you chuckle, not at dejun, just at his words. he wants you to tell the truth? fine.. you will!

"dejun" you begin, using your pointer finger to tilt his chin up so the two of you make eye contact, you watch as his eyes widen, but he doesn't move, just lets you do your thing. "you can kiss me, it's okay".

he blinks, as if trying to figure out if you were lying or not. he opens his mouth, but no words come out, so he closes it again. "it is?" he asks again, just wanting reassurance, you hear his voice crack, but he's getting impatient, he wants your answer.

"yeah it's fine".

that's all the conformation dejun seems to need, because he finally presses his lips to yours after what seems like years of waiting. your arms naturally rest on his waist, and there's just something, something about this that makes you smile.

there's an urgency in the way he kisses you, and his hand comes up to hold your face. he is just so desperate, and it would be a lie to say that you weren't just as desperate as he is. you'd been wanting this for so long, you don't even know how many times you thought about what it would be like to kiss dejun.

his fingers caress your cheek, and the contact feels like your skin was set ablaze. maybe this is what you needed, and you assume it's exactly what dejun needed to, because he pushes on your shoulder with a seemingly inhumane amount of force, which makes you gasp a little.

while your one arm is around his waist, the other one goes up to run your fingers through his hair, somehow causing the two of you to both smile, barely stifling your laughs.

after what seems like forever, dejun pulls away, and while you're standing there, breathless, he just smiles, relaxing as you play with his hair. "you like my hair?"

you aren't sure why out of all things, that's what he decides to ask, but you laugh, completely enamored by the boy in front of you. "yep, it's soft" you reply, biting your inner cheek. "the color suits you".

dejun tilts his head, looking up at you with his insanely pretty eyes. you just want to squish his cheeks, or wrap him in a blanket and hold him forever, you aren't sure why you just have this surge of loving emotions for absolutely no reason, maybe it's the way he's staring at you, or that he just left you breathless and did it so flawlessly.

he hums, not knowing how to respond to your compliment. he just suddenly gets shy, his ears turning red at your words.

"you're so stupid.."

that's probably his favorite phrase to say to you by now, but you don't mind, you just smile as he hides his face away from you. 

"dejun" you call out despite him being right in front of you, and he looks up at you again, gaze warm as he gives you a small smile.

"yes?"

"i love you" you immediately spout, not even surprised by how high your voice has gotten. "like— in the i'm in love with you kinda way and not in a i just want you to kiss you but not call you my boyfriend kinda way".

dejun pauses, snickering at your words, he looks at you like you're the only person in the world.

what other way could there possibly be?

but you don't get any response, at least, not from him, because all he does is lean forward and press his lips to yours.

YOU'VE NEVER REALLY BEEN A FAN OF YOUR BIRTHDAY, and you aren't sure why. it used to be a fun thing up until you turned twelve and it suddenly felt like a switch had flipped, as if your birthday was making you miserable. now it's not like you always feel depressed on your birthday, it's just that sometimes you don't want to have a huge birthday celebration. most of the time— you only request for huge birthday bashes on specific days, like when you turned ten (you were very excited about becoming a double–figured age), or when you turned eighteen (you became an adult, not that exciting but it was definitely something, you could finally legally drink), but it's truly only specific days that you don't mind having large, people–filled birthday parties.

and not only were you not exactly anticipating your birthday, you already had something even bigger on your mind the whole time.

like dejun ghosting you! that's definitely one!

okay so you tell the guy you love him, you make out with him at a party (in the opposite order but oh well), he doesn't give you a response and then he decides to just ignore you?

maybe he just didn't know what to say, and that also lead to him just not picking up his phone for a good two weeks as he completely ignored your calls and texts and voicemails!

and with this being the only thing on your mind, your birthday seemed to be the least important event at the moment.

you didn't really want to think about it, and the campus was starting to make you feel sick, so this year you planned on visiting your parents after the day was over, considering your special day fell on a friday—

but guanheng, guanheng had other plans.

he practically begged you to let him throw the party for you, he wanted to do it so bad that he vowed to never ask you for a favor ever again (which is a lie! he never keeps his promises!), he was acting so desperate, it was like you'd just saved his life or something.

you're not sure what made guanheng so eager to throw a party for you, especially because you just didn't know what you would do with a bunch of people in your dorm.

but he insisted, he would throw you the best party in the world.

and after what seemed like forever, you two finally agreed on something—

you go visit your parents friday evening, and guanheng throws your party on saturday, easy!

"what do you mean strawberry isn't a good flavor!?"

you scoff at his question, nodding your head, as if confirming your words. "i don't like strawberry flavored things, you get me a strawberry cake and i'm making you sleep outside".

your threat results in a gasp from your roommate, who looks genuinely hurt by your words as he places a hand on his chest, horrified. "you are such a horrible roommate! threatening me when i'm throwing a party for you".

"it'll be a horrible party if you get me a horribly flavored cake".

you totally mean what you say as well— you truly dislike strawberry cake.

and when guanheng said party, you didn't exactly anticipate how many people he would decide to let into your dorm.

now you know a good chunk of these people, but most of these people probably decided to come just because they knew guanheng, all they did was utter some happy birthday's and then they ran off to do their own thing.

guanheng got most things right, he just invited a bunch of people that really didn't care for your birthday, just wanted to be around him.

so it's no surprise that you felt just a little disappointed about the people at your party that just didn't give two shits about your actual birthday.

and guanheng was off doing something else, though you could actually see him this time, he was telling people where to put the gifts they brought for you.

your beginning to feel suffocated in your own dorm, which is ironic to you, because this is quite literally the place you go to get away from a bunch of people, it's the only place of yours that isn't full of people.

so, you clear your throat, and push through people to get to the door, not wanting to stay inside with all these people, you'll probably end up throwing up everywhere if you stay inside even longer.

when you exit the dorm, you take a deep breath the moment you close the door, letting your back fall against it. you immediately jump as you see a person behind the door—

okay so dejun (who you confessed your love to by the way!), is pacing back and forth in front of your door, totally stressing. you blink, a look of confusion spreading across your face. "um.."

"are you okay?"

you aren't even sure why you opened your mouth, but if you didn't, this would just go on for a good twenty more minutes.

dejun jumps, clearing his throat as he smiles awkwardly. "you— scared the shit out of me".

he's acting so casually? after not talking to you for a good two weeks!?

"sorry—"

"i'm sorry!"

dejun immediately yells, covering his face with his hands. "i'm so sorry for not texting you! or calling you! or giving you a response! it was so stupid of me to not consider your feelings and instead of just telling you straight up how i felt i decided to ignore you but i was scared that i wouldn't be able to tell you without making it awkward and it—"

"dejun" you place your hands on his shoulders, turning him around to face you. "your rambling".

he sighs, eyes darting away from your face, he frowns. "but it's not okay, i didn't talk to you, i probably came off as such an asshole! you were probably so confused, and i just.. said nothing!"

you observe his features, and he looks even more anxious at your silence. his face goes red, and his leg begins bouncing up and down, whilst his hands look for something to hold.

"okay, calm down.." you mutter, reaching for his left hand and lacing it together with yours. "it's okay, there's no need to be worried".

"i'm sorry" he says again, finally looking up at you. "i get it if you don't forgive me—"

"dejun" you cut into his sentence, squeezing his left hand. "i forgive you.. i love you".

you repeat your confession once more, and dejun blinks, processing your words.

"i love you too".

and finally, after what seems like forever, after what was so long, he gave you a response.

before you could say anything more, dejun pulls you in for a hug, his arms circling around your waist. you're a bit taken aback by the sudden display of affection, but you also don't mind, because he squeezes you tighter.

"happy birthday" he mumbles, a small smile coming to his face as he feels your hand comb through his hair. "i'm sorry".

"stop apologizing" you say, lifting his chin up so you could look him in the eyes. "i forgive you, it's okay".

and it is, you're being completely honest, but dejun doesn't say more, immediately pulling you back into a warm hug

but suddenly, the door to your dorm swings open and guanheng peaks his head out, eyes widening as he witnesses the current thing. he has absolutely no context to anything which was happening at the moment, he just opened the door to witness a totally unaware dejun hugging you.

"uh.." he blinks, glancing between you two, but not asking anything, just clearing his throat. "it's time to cut the cake?" he laughs awkwardly, and you just smile, giving him a i'll be right there look.

"o...kay" he doesn't say anything more, just goes back inside and closes the door.

dejun giggles as guanheng closes the door, pulling away again to look up at you. "oh he is totally tired of us".

"we didn't do anything, though".

dejun snickers, lightly hitting your arm. "okay okay, you need to stop, it's your birthday, you have to go cut your cake".

"and.." he pauses, pulling a box out of nowhere and handing it over to you. "open your gifts".

you raise an eyebrow, confused. "where were you even hiding that?"

"that's irrelevant! it's your birthday, come on!"

and you let him drag you back into your dorm, smiling at him the whole time.

YOU ALMOST CONSIDER THE WAY YOU are acting to be absurd, and it's funny how much of another side dejun can just bring out of you. now you would never consider yourself to be a grumpy person, but people usually do describe you as having a 'natural frown'. you never really thought of yourself as being like that, but you guess that people don't see you look so happy much, because they continue to point out how it's like some glitch in the matrix to see you just a little less miserable as each day passes. chenle especially makes comments, talking about how you need to "put your smile away" because not seeing your resting face constantly freaks him out, renjun on the other hand, is elated, or maybe he's just glad he can finally be rid of you, you don't know.

but all that put aside, you are happy, and you have a cute oreo–haired man to thank for that.

and maybe this is all you really need, just dejun, the two of you don't even have to do anything, he can just lay his head down onto your shoulder and you'd be having a good time.

you like it when he sits down and paints your nails for you, or when he watches you bake over your shoulder, not knowing what to do but happy to watch you do your thing, or when he coerces you to win prizes from carnival games for him with his absolutely adorable eyes (he doesn't even need to try to coerce you, you'd do it either way).

"i'm pretty sure this is illegal".

"it's not!" you reply, though you mean to reassure dejun, your words seem to worry him more than anything. you take his hand, squeezing it. "dejun, i'm not getting you into any illegal activity".

"i can never tell with you" he retorts suspiciously, keeping your hand in his as you lead him up, he would have tripped if not for you holding your hand and guiding you up.

you clear your throat, patting the spot beside you as dejun immediately sits, so close to you that your legs are touching. "if i ever wanted to do something illegal, i'd know better than to bring you along".

he gasps, and you can't resist the urge to laugh at how offended he sounds. "what is that supposed to mean!?"

"you" your pointer finger touches his nose, and he doesn't even try to move. "are a snitch, you would be horrible to commit a crime with".

dejun slaps your hand away, and you laugh at the way he crosses his arms, a familiar pout gracing his absolutely beautiful features. "you— i.. take that back!"

"it's true! even yangyang would be a better option than you!"

dejun is even more offended by the words, and he slowly scoots away from you, arms still crossed as he pouts. you giggle as he remains scooted away from you, still angry about the words you said.

"uh— jun, i was just joking!"

"you suck".

dejun glares, but his glare is anything but serious, as you can see the way he slowly starts to break under your gaze, resisting the urge to burst into laughter. "i hate you".

"you love me".

he does, and he can't pretend he doesn't, because he almost immediately snickers, looking away from you as to not laugh more.

oh he is just so adorable.

you scoot closer to him and wrap your arms around his waist, making him yelp. "you're so cute" you mutter into his shoulder, and at this point, dejun doesn't even try to pretend anymore.

"you're so corny" he says, patting your arms that currently circle around his waist. you lean your head down onto his shoulder, making yourself comfortable, and he just lets you, because at this point he can't really push you off him.

"don't fall asleep, i'm not going to carry you back to your place".

"you would be too weak to carry me anyway— ow!"

you yell loudly as dejun nudges you in the stomach with his elbow, and while he looks absolutely proud of himself, you just glare, absolutely done with him.

but you don't say anything, just lets your fingers run through his hair, probably your favorite thing to do with him. he just cups your face, and he just smiles at your face, giggling. "your just as cute as when we first met".

the statement makes you snicker, because you did not expect for him to say that out of all things he could've said. you get why he says it though, because you are at the place where it all began, the bleachers, the same bleachers where you two were standing when you shared your first interaction.

you tilt your head, wanting to tease him more. "so there were moments where i wasn't cute, then?"

dejun scoffs, turning away from you. he lightly pinches your arm, and you yelp once again, inching away from him. "why do you enjoy hurting me?"

he smiles innocently. "i don't, i have absolutely no idea what you're talking about!"

your face drops, and all dejun does is laugh, squeezing your cheeks. "don't be mad, babe, you know i love you".

and you do, you do know, he never fails to remind you of how much he does.

"i love you too.."

with your eye rolls, and tiny mutters, dejun knows, he knows that you're telling the truth.

[micahulrichdraws]

I don't think self-deprecation or concern for the person's well-being is ever going to come across well to someone saying they like what you do. Maybe I'm missing something, but there are reasons to like your art besides being miserable. Even if only the truly miserable liked your work, responding to them by pointing out how miserable they must be wouldn't feel great for them. Your art isn't giving them depression, and it's not like you're contributing to net suffering by making art with ~themes~, so it seems unnecessary to bring up. You suggested that if you struggle to enjoy life, and you make something, anyone who resonates will also struggle to enjoy life. I disagree. Some people will like it for completely shallow reasons. Some people have empathy for others' suffering. You can have a decent life and no mental illness and probably still appreciate a well-drawn skeleton. I don't know what kind of art a perfect world would produce, but any world where people are mortal is going to have sadness, and some art will reflect that. Yours isn't uniquely dark.

Sorry if you've gotten 100 asks saying this same thing. I wasn't sure based on the ones you responded to, and I just found your blog. I know it's sort of a joke, bc you do still sell art prints and stuff, so you clearly are okay with people liking your art. Tbh, I /had/ depression for a few years, so I'm not exactly proof against the theory that your art somolehow only appeals to depressed people. It seems unlikely, though. And the way you talk about your art as "garbage" kind of gave me flashbacks to the sort of self-deprecating humor I'd use when I hated myself. I don't know you or how you're doing, but that feeling made me want to say something.

You didn't just miss something, you missed like, everything I've ever said on my blog about like, everything to the point I'm not even sure this was intended for me? Like I'd break it down, point by point and be like 'no what are you smoking' but that'd be a waste of time after the 'why do you think my art gives people depression!?' part of whatever this is. Like, this is offensive levels of trying to make me be someone I'm not for the sake of a hypothetical argument against a strawman. So if, you want to take offense to who I am in case you misclick and end up here again here's an asshole enough of a response to give you a legitimate reason to find me intolerable:

Welcome to my page! I make art, jokes, and bullshit with folks to make people happy. I started doing this when I was big sad, because cheering people up cheers me up. Now, here's the crazy part: some people are very sad, and sometimes they tell me it makes them a small amount of happy, which gives me dopamine and makes me do it again. The word 'some' means 'not everyone', or even 'a fraction of a percentage'. For example, in this case, it means 'most people just like my drawings but some people get an extra lil bit out of it'. I don't take myself seriously because I know that the art world is insanely intimidating to those outside of it, and sometimes artists tend to be egotistical and condescending, a word that means 'having or showing a feeling of patronizing superiority'. Naturally, I do everything in my power to avoid that, because I'm a very 'gates open' kinda person.

So, here's the WILD part: in my perfect world I would've never had depression. Now, I know, that would have been inconvenient for you as someone who passed by my page one time, and I do apologize. I also apologize that I don't make 'dark art', because I like frogs and mice doing cool shit. Finally, I apologize for my art having -~*themes and concepts*~-, I know good art only comes from ChatGPT and that was my bad.

Sike, I didn't apologize, my fingers were crossed behind my back when I said that. Fuck you for thinking me not wanting to be around for a decade is 'worth' because I drew a mediocre skeleton, and because somehow sadness is necessary. That line of thinking is so awful, here's a video explaining it:

PS: the reason my friends and I in these parts call my art 'art garbage' is because that's what my professors called it back in school for like 4 years, back when I started this shitshow. Much love.

[lestappenforever]

My ask is maybe a bit silly, and would probably go in 'sanity check' category. It is about Max, and how he is perceived. If I understand correctly, it is said he is mad max, bad guy, aggressive… and similar. Now, I know teenagers are sometimes a bit crazy, and from what I read he was actually very badly treated by freaking adults, fellow drivers, when he first joined F1, so maybe then he was a bit aggressive, and it would be even understandable… but still it is difficult to even imagine that. Because Max I see (I am only following racing since last year) is nice, soft, funny, polite guy, still more looking like an innocent kid than an adult, even appearing naïve (unlike the sweet, adorable devil that is Charles!), and obviously so nice towards rookies (Oliver and Liam-who himself said it). So am I delusional and see what is not there or for some reason he is so vilified (I guess most coming probably from jealousy and Netflix crap…). Oh and one additional observation, he always looks so much softer and somehow cuddlier and cuter on photos from his streaming at home… What do you think? One final observation, then I will shut up  Sometimes it seems to me that all the Lestappen moments and specila connection maybe come from the fact that when Charles came to F1 Max finally had kinda his person there. Because he went form father abuse to fellow drivers abuse, but when Charles came to F1, he had someone he could have a real relationship with, even if they fought and were a bit sulky almost teenagers still in the beginning, they got over it as they grow up. But Charles is his genuinely healthy, good, fun, friendly relationship. Having spent time as kids growing up of course also deepens the bond and friendship, but also mutual respect and understanding each other’s qualities. I don’t know if explained it well enough… P.S. I LOVE your fics!!!!

Hi anon, and thank you so much for this ask! I don't think it's a silly ask at all.

All these "Mad Max", being too aggressive, being mean claims etc. stem from two things:

1. When Max made it into F1 almost 10(!) years ago, he was 17(!!) years old. He was a kid — a literal child. And he was a cocky, arrogant little shit at that, as any kid would be making their debut in such a prestigious sport at such a young age.

2. Max haters who will hate him forever, no matter what, no matter why. They don't even need a reason; they're just determined to hate him and will do so forever.

But the thing is, and his haters especially seem to love to ignore this fact, Max was seventeen years old when he made his F1 debut. He was, for all intents and purposes, a child. I watched Max make his F1 debut, and I watched and read the way he was viewed and the reception he received from his fellow drivers, the media, and fans alike. And I watched these grown-ass men already on the grid when Max joined welcome him by treating him like shit. These adults were so threatened by this kid who came into the sport without having to go through the same ranks almost every other F1 driver has to go through to get there, such as several years in F3 and F2 (Max only spent a year in F3 and skipped F2 altogether), that they did virtually nothing to make him feel welcome. Quite the opposite, in fact. It was so fucking sad and infuriating, and I lost a lot of respect for many drivers because of it. And if I'm being honest, anon, that's what made me decide Max would be my favorite driver. I can be incredibly spiteful when I want to be, and watching Max get slammed and slandered from so many directions from the very beginning made me want to be very spiteful. That's what made me decide that I was going to support that kid like hell. And I haven’t looked back or regretted it since.

I cannot stress this enough, and I know I've said it so many times before already, but: Max Verstappen was a child when he made it into the world of F1. But he's not a child anymore, which a concerning amount of people seem to be blissfully and willfully ignorant to. Max has grown and matured so much in the years he's been in F1. And, like most other people, Max Verstappen the adult is not the same person as Max Verstappen the teenager, or Max Verstappen the child. And he hasn’t been anything like his 17-year old self in a long, long time. But this, of course, is something his haters will never accept or acknowledge.

I truly believe, from the very bottom of my heart, that Max is always so nice and welcoming towards rookies, always willing to lend a hand or giving them advice, always going out of his way to praise and support them, because practically no one ever did that for him when he was a rookie. And that speaks volumes about his character and the kind of man he has grown into since making his debut.

You're not delusional at all, anon, and having only followed F1 since last year means it's not surprising that you don't see the very outdated and frankly incredibly incorrect persona the people who dislike Max will always keep trying to convince themselves and others is still him. Because it isn’t — not even close. Practically every single person who has worked with or been around Max in the past few years all say the same thing: that he's funny, easy-going, and one of the genuinely kindest people on the grid. And that means a hell of a lot more than the opinions of people who have never and will never know him, and have made it their personal, sad mission to hate him. So you keep holding on to the impression you have of him, anon, because that is a far more accurate representation than the image some people are so hellbent of painting of him. (He’s definitely not naïve, though, not even close.)

And I absolutely agree: he looks even softer and cuddlier when he's streaming at home! I love streamer!Max so much.

"When Charles came to F1 Max finally had kinda his person there". <- You are spot on with this, anon! I've talked about the special bond I think these two share in the past, like in this post, and so have many others. (@tsarinablogs @valyrfia @thearchercore to name a few - highly recommend checking out their blogs if you haven’t already!) It truly seems like they have never, and will never, see any other driver as a big a rival as the other, and the numerous accounts of their karting days from people who got to watch them battle first-hand from such a young age definitely backs up that claim. And I think that's so beautiful, and it's one of the many, many reasons why these two are so dear to me, and why other F1 ships will never be able to come close.

P.S. That makes me so happy to hear, anon, thank you so, so much. 🥹❤️

[lovewithoutresin]

Hey Resin zero pressure or rush but when you have the time I’d love to hear your thoughts on the alchemy???

okay yes ive been thinking about this for a few days and it actually makes me want to cry (in a good way!) that you'd be interested enough to literally follow up. admittedly i don't know how much sense this would make to someone who isn't me (as in, how much of this is individualized) but i'll share my thoughts on a few specific lines nonetheless.

so the song as a whole seems pretty straightforward which is why, in contrast with some of the songs that seem more intellectually challenging, people may have a hard time feeling like there's much to connect to there. maybe if you yourself are in a very victorious space you can, but that's not everyone always! so here's how i think of it (huge rant under the cut)

first off, i LOVE the immediate use of "these chemicals hit me like white wine". people talk a lot about the contrast of so high school with various other parts of the album, but it's not as common for people to compare sections of the alchemy from what i've seen, and this line contrasts SO sharply with the thread of substance use (or abuse) in the rest of the album. now i am not an alcohol aficionado. but i do know in terms of how people think of substances, white wine is probably like. the tamest one you could possibly reference. not to mention the only two times when substances aren't referenced as dangerous, illicit, self-harming or sad in some way is in The Alchemy and So High School. to my understanding wine is also associated with relaxation, which is a really nice transitional opening line from the rest of the album's chaos and devastation. it's also i think why, despite the upbeat tone, it's also a very calming backing track.

which is basically what the song as a whole connects to in terms of the album's overall storyline! more than just a comedown from the intensity and a basking in happiness after a storm, the song to me mostly represents a return to the self. multiple times i've experienced the sensation of feeling detached from my sense of self, like i'm not me anymore and am not sure how to return to that person, much less feel in touch with my life as a whole. so for me, just the assertion of "what if i told you i'm back?" is... huge. like yes! i'm back! i'm me again! but there's a question in it also. if i told you i'm back, how would you react? can you look past the crazy shit i was pulling or going through before i returned? have you all moved on without me since i was 'gone'? there's a sort of commitment in the lyrics that follow. 'i circled you on a map. i'm coming back so strong'. even though there's a 'what if' attached, she's coming back anyway, one way or the other. this is more tangential but it's something i was thinking about while writing this.

the chorus reiterates this commitment. it's a complete 180 shift in lifestyle and choice-making. we're getting rid of the clowns that don't have a place on our team. we're not keeping anyone around that's harmful. we are focusing on getting the crown we want and that's going to be something to be proud of, rather than ashamed of (and it's clear that desire HAS been shamed in her in many ways, as if she shouldn't desire success or enjoy a sense of 'victory' lest she be a diva/full of herself/make a partner feel small).

i also personally just really love the line 'that child's play back in school is forgiven under my rule'. it's harder to explain this one but there's something about the idea of taking back charge of one's own life, possibly even realizing the insane amount of power you have, and using that to say we're good. we're not fighting like this anymore. (actually that concept is kind of giving veronica sawyer at the end of the heathers musical lmao). we're forgiving and moving on and i'm coming back to you whether you like it or not! and yes i take this to mostly be directed at the general public and her trying to live in the world again and better appreciate her fan relationships and her new romantic one. but i can't say i don't personally relate it to my own close friendships and how ready they always are to accept me in the wake of whatever i was feeling so strongly before. in that way, it's sort of like an anti-bolter! the bolter says that when there are leaks in the floorboards, you run. the alchemy says if the whole boat explodes and you have to ride a piece of fucking driftwood back to shore, you still come back and you let people love you again. and that pays off! you get life and career victories, you get close relationships! you can get people who commit to you that you can commit back to!

but if i'm honest, the main thing i love this song for is its title lyric. it says so much and raises so many questions with so little. she's spent her whole career toeing the line between fate and free will in her story - the things that are predestined according to some outside force vs the things she meticulously arranges and manipulates. where she falls on the spectrum is always grandiose in some way, but it's almost confusing (unless, yknow. you're the same way and get it sort of instinctively) that she can go to the extreme on these beliefs in both directions at difference times. i think that's well-condensed in this song, because she spends MOST of the album caught up in this idea that she's been swept along by some grander force. here though, she switches from fate over to alchemy, which is the very active process of making gold out of something lesser. and yeah, on its own that's an impressive switch. but it's made more intriguing by the phrasing of "who are we to fight the alchemy?" is she taking matters into her own hands via alchemy (as opposed to prophecy)? if so, why is it something they have to not fight? who is doing the alchemy? or is the fun and freedom of this metaphorical alchemy too much to resist, so it's like getting swept up in your own agency?

it raises a lot of questions and to be honest i haven't fully settled on the meaning of that line to me. what i DO know is as a certified fate/free will obsessor i gravitate towards it like catnip.

so yeah, that's the gist of my thoughts. not sure if you'll find anything that's helpful/enjoyable to you in this but! if the alchemy has zero fans i am not of this earth.

[chiskz]

drunk on... what?

𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞: few days after announcing fake Seungmin and Chichi's relationship

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1.2k

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: sometimes only one thing can ease the pain.

𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐬: Chichi and Seungmin's Fake Relationship

𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: being drunk, mentions of alcohol, irresponsible behaviour

♡𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭: @alyszaen , @smh-anon , @neohyxn , @stealanity , @alixnsuperstxr , @kimcheon-sa , @hafsa-hoofsa-heefs

《 ♡ 》

It was a warm night ... Or so it seemed to Chichi because of the amount of alcohol she drank.

She lost count after 3…4 bottles of soju. She never drank alone, but taking advantage of the day before Stray Kids' day off from any schedule, she visited her favorite small bar. It was so well hidden in an alley and so little known that anonymity was guaranteed more than anywhere else. She wanted to have a small drink while studying for finals, but the feelings of the last few days got the best of her and she immediately asked the waiter for a soju, and studying was forgotten faster than she expected. In fact, all she was doing was drinking, scrolling through photos on her phone. After that, all she did was cry alternately with drinking, and then her mood was changing like in a kaleidoscope. She probably would have stayed until the morning because she would have passed out while drinking, if the kind bartender hadn't escorted her to the exit - it wasn't an all-night bar, it closed around 3 am. He ordered a taxi for her. She also remembered, despite the amount of alcohol she had drunk, not to give the taxi driver her real address - she gave an address 3 streets away from dorms.

She arrived at the dorm in a really bubbly mood, with shoes in her hand, even though she wasn't even wearing high heels, so why had she taken them off in the first place? She giggled to herself as she struggled open the door and stumbled slightly into the hallway. Everything was supposed to be done quietly, but she wasn't able to finish this plan, because in the kitchen, with the light on, all the residents of the dorm - Minho, Seungmin, Jeongin and Felix - were waiting for her. The two youngest members were walking around the living room, separated from the kitchen by a kitchen island, while Felix and Minho were sitting at the table. All four looked at her and immediately surrounded her.

"Where have you been?!"

"We lied to Chan that you were back so he wouldn't call the police!"

"We called but your phone was off, are you crazy?!"

"You're drunk!"

Words of concern directed at her only caused Chichi even more noise in her head. She could have sworn she didn't even recognize all the voices talking to her. She giggled weakly, leaning against the wall of the corridor.

"My phone is... I think it's discharged." She mumbled as she slowly pulled it out of her bag. Indeed it was.

Jeongin looked the most concerned, even stressed out of the whole situation. Minho, however, looked at Chichi with a reproachful, fatherly gaze, even though she was the older one.

"Who were you drinking with?"

In response, Chichi laughed again. She slowly showed Minho one finger.

“Alone… Alone, alone, only me! I've been alone all my life, so I was now too."

"You need to lie down." Felix stated matter-of-factly. "What got into you today?" He asked quietly, but surprisingly there was no judging or reproach in his voice. He was genuinely sad. "What if something happened to you? You haven't even told anyone where you are..."

"But I'm fine!" She called out finally reaching the kitchen. "Devils don't take evil ones, do they?"

"Stop it." Seungmin whispered and took her arm. "I'll take care of her."

"But you don't need to worry about me! Everything is fine!"

"Yeah? I would not tell."

The rest of members made place for Seungmin as he carried Chichi to her room in his arms otherwise she wouldn't go with him. He put her on the bed, but the problems with her continued. Chichi started waving her arms and legs.

"I hate this world, I hate myself, I want to run away, Seungmoooo pack my bags!" She screamed every now and then, even as Seungmin took off her jeans, replacing them with pajama shorts. He covered her with her weighted blanket, and only then did she quiet down a bit. The singer looked at her, turning on the bedside lamp for a moment. He already knew why she went silent..

Her eyes were covered by her forearm, but tears were easily visible on cheeks. She cried soundlessly, but her shoulders trembled. Seungmin sat on the edge of bed and his gaze softened. At first he'd been as nervous as the rest because her behavior was extremely irresponsible, but now? Now he knew she had a reason, he just had to find out what. He placed his hand slowly on her blanket.

"Ichichi. What's going on?"

Seungmin didn't get an answer quickly. It took her a long time to calm down enough to form meaningful sentences, and the amount of alcohol still circulating in her body didn't make things any easier, but it certainly gave her courage.

"Seungmin..." She started quietly. Her voice broke twice during pronunciation of such a short word. "What should I do? Why does it hurt so much?"

"What hurts?" He asked, though deep down he knew the answer.

Chichi's well-being was getting worse day by day since they agreed to pretend to be a couple. He knew deep down she didn't want it, but he hadn't expected it to hit her so hard.

"Ichichi, what hurts? If you're not honest with me, and above all with yourself, just once, the pain will only increase."

Ichi finally moved her hand away from her face, looking at her friend with moist and already slightly swollen eyes.

“Seungmin… I really love him. I love him so damn much... And that hurts."

•••

The next day, Ichi woke up in the middle of the day with a huge headache. Well, maybe it wasn't exactly ache, but a numbness that made her unable to understand her current situation for a long time. Little by little, she finally came to the order of the events. She went to drink, came back, fell asleep. Well, this sequence of events was definitely lame, but Ichi really couldn't remember anything else. She only checked her phone, but found nothing suspicious except for reasonable-looking payments in the banking app, for alcohol bought at the bar, and for a taxi. So she hadn't done anything stupid, at least that much.

With difficulty, she finally pushed herself out of bed into a sitting position, carelessly brushing her messy hair back from her face. She put the phone on the nightstand and only now noticed a small breakfast on a plate, aspirin, water from an oblong glass and a white sheet folded in half. So had she done something wrong? No, then she wouldn't have had such a nice breakfast… She took the sheet slowly, though she doubted her current ability to read. She squinted her eyes and opened them several times, sharpening her vision.

"I know you love him. Life in show business is not conducive to people like you and him, it will only be difficult for you. Still, I believe in you. You both can always count on me, no matter what you decide. Remember, after every rain always comes a rainbow.

Seungmin."

《 ♡ 》

[writefullyrobin]

1x01 – Pilot thoughts

I haven’t been living under a rock, I do know of Shameless because it was an UK show originally and I have seen odd episodes of that over the years. I’ve just never gotten around to watching the US version and 11 seasons is a big investment. I thought I’d finally give it a go.

This family is as dysfunctional as that of the one from the UK show which I’m very glad about. That’s what made the original so fun and I’m glad they kept the spirit of the show.

Frank is one of those very sad, tragic individuals that if he actually did stay sober, he’d probably do very well for himself. He’s intelligent. Something he clearly passed down to some of his kids because Fiona, Lip and Ian are no slouches.

Also has anyone ever thought to tell Frank he actually does put in a very hard day’s work indeed running with some of these schemes? I guess he’d probably refer to himself an opportunist rather than a hard worker.

It’s been one episode and I already adore Fiona, Lip and Ian. They’re all brilliant and bounce of each other so well. Definitely get the bonds forged in fire with those three. Fiona runs the show but Lip and Ian are great lieutenants.

Speaking of Ian though. Big fat EW to his… I can’t bring myself to even call it a relationship. It’s not a relationship. It’s an older man having sex with a minor. It feels so icky. I mean, Kash buys him stuff? Really not good!

I’m guessing Ian and Kash will be given a relatively decent amount of time though as all three of the eldest Gallagher kids seem to be set up for love interests. Fiona with Steve. Lip has Karen (and they came up with the oddest ever test to see if Ian was actually gay, I add! BJ under the table while her mom was in the next room? OK, why not! Shows not called Shameless for nothing, I guess!), Wonder how many of the three “couples” will be standing by the final episode?

Let’s talk about a non-Gallagher for a second. Steve looks and acts like a trust fund baby. There, I said it early. He looks so out of depth and seriously has no game. The Southside might just eat him up and spit him back out if he’s not careful! All episode it felt like something wasn’t quite clicking with him and low and behold he’s a car thief. I’ll actually be more surprised if that’s all he’s hiding. If he can do that for a living, then who knows what other secrets could come out down the line!

Steve as a lens to this chaotic, crazy, whirlwind of a family worked well even if all it did was highlight how very out of touch he is with Fiona. For now, at least. I feel like they have potential to be a good couple. Maybe. I like their chemistry and it would be nice for Fiona to have something for herself as she seems to put everyone else first.

I enjoyed this a lot more than I thought I would. I was thinking I’ll be making comparisons to the UK version all the way through and there were definitely some familiar points but actors wise, I think they’re all brilliant. Frank and Fiona’s in particular were the two standouts.

Characters: First Impressions

Frank – I’ve worked in hospitality and therefore encountered my share of functioning alcoholics. Frank is spot on. He’s a delight to watch when he gets going on a rant and extremely well cast.

Fiona – adore her. She’s so resourceful and down to earth. Which I know is probably a result of her circumstances but she’s written very well and acted beautifully. Just a very organic portrayal. 

Lip – knows he’s more intelligent than everyone else and that's probably gonna come back to bite him at some point.

Ian – sort of adorable. Really not a fan of his “relationship” with Kash though. He’s the quintessential middle kid, isn’t he?

Debbie, Carl and Liam – not much to say about them honestly. They’re there and I like the scenes they do have.

Kev and Veronica – everyone needs friends like these two! Completely and unapologetically themselves and I am here for it.

Steve – you are shady young man...

[mymainwastoocluttered]

(So looking over I’m noticing the plot changing grim for convenience)

In book 1-2-3-5 it says “Grim has no magic” or “He can only breathe fire” but in the wiki it’s ‘fire magic’ and according to Styx (via Idia) Grim can only overblot/be dangerous if he eats the ob crystals.

If he has magic idk WHY they keep saying he doesn’t.

As for physical objects on blots. Yes. We have seen it. Like you said, Deuce used cauldrons (which that spell makes a non magical cauldron fall) and the ob was slowed by it (bc it had to get it off to move) but it didn’t really get hurt as it was fine and ready to fight over the gems in the mine.

(I like world building too but am sad with the inconsistency like: )

NRC has the ‘strongest’ magicians yet also has the most obs as according to Styx, they don’t typically see so many obs in such a short time in one place. (Implying this ain’t the first time it’s happened just first at NRC. And it’s all dorm leaders and vice, the ones of each dorm that are the STRONGEST leading me to think strong and their ‘magic reserve’ are very different.

Mona, never once they said Grim has no magic. They say he has a low magic reserves (for a magician) because he's terribly inexperienced, which is also what is said about Ace and Deuce, and probably most if not all first years. Grim has magic from the very beginning, he's just not good at it. Otherwise, why would Crowley give him a magistone to prevent blot? Something he very clearly didn't give Yuu?

As to him only overblotting by eating the stones, that can be explained as blot overload, and said overload can be explained by either:

1) Even people with low magic polls are only "resistant" to blot, not immune, so it'd make sense for Grim to almost (for Grim never actually overblots) overblot if he absorbs large quantities of blot (which happens both because he uses magic and because he eats blot crystals, and then when blot starts leaking)

Or

2) The curse placed on Grim is similar to Idia's, AKA it burns blot. The consumption of blot crystals may overwhelm the curse and make it inefficient, which also explains why Grim went crazy as soon as the large quantities of blot started pouring in the building. Notice also that Idia, who has the curse, overblotted when surrounded by the dense blot in the Tartarus, implying that the sheer amount of blot is keeping his curse at bay

The story specifies that the cauldrons weakened the blot monster, I checked. Yuu theirself say it. If it can be weakened by cauldrons falling on it, then what of physical attacks? Specially smaller Phantoms? What of non-magical projectiles? What a time for Rook to be without his bow! Also, are the cauldrons not magical? Does that mean Deuce is getting them from somewhere and then they return to wherever they were once they're dismissed? And even if Phantoms can only be defeated by magic, why can't Yuu get a magic weapon? Could they potentially use the magic hammer to fight Phantoms (if the hammer doesn't assemble a cabinet with them), if magic is the requisite?

Magic strength and large magic reserves are connected. Every Housewarden has a large magic reserve, and Jamil is pointed out to be the same. Moreover, the connection with that and Phantoms seems to be: a) the larger the magic reserve of the incubator, the larger the Phantom, since blot feeds on magic; and b) the stronger the magic of the incubator, the stronger the Phantom.

Also, it's commented time and time again that would take a lot for Ace and Deuce to overblot because their magic reserves as of now are terrible

Honestly, I wish they'd just give us an explanation on how magic reserves work.

[potionwine]

finished Rising Tide

continue to be lowkey annoyed at how main characters who are not Clive are an afterthought to the game—why was Jill not centred in the portion where we visit Ysay's grave? that is literally her predecessor and a cultural ancestor. why were Jill's feelings on the north not explored further? she is their princess! all these people dispossessed of crown and country seem barely to have opinions and feelings on it. she barely talked as the characters walked! the part where she spoke on the hall at the Timeless Stones, and how sermons would be given when halls like these were in use in the northern community? why not add more of such drive-by commentary. also why were people sick in Haven and Joshua not consulted? they're talking about all these sick people in the village, and your world's best magical healer bar none—in the opening scenes of the game literally called "the ruler of life and death" was not consulted in any way? once more our companions are decorative.

sorry. just. i came from the party tradition of FFs, and the focus is so unbalanced... it was already obvious in the main game. a lot of the main cast have deeply unexplored histories and underwhelming reactions to current events. i spent an inordinate amount of time in the main game and this DLC thinking "but what would [character] think/feel about this??" or "holy moly that has pretty serious implications for [character] and [character], are they ever going to have the opportunities to react to that onscreen in a way that will bring home to the player certain core aspects of said characters?" it was a pretty significant distraction for me at least.

no thoughts Ysay pretty

Ysay's knight was crazy powerful—why does main game Shiva lose all of her fights... yea okay Jill was tortured and abused by iron kingdom... is it finally time for us to stop making excuses for the game and admit unpalatable things about its treatment of certain characters...

loved how a large portion of Joshua's comments were all about his nerdery—asking about history and magicks. his inner voice on Ysay was like "i want to see her writings ;_;"

Dalina is Shula's wife right lol

Joshua's inner voice on Dalina is so cute too, it makes me think when he was left behind to protect the village that he befriended Dalina well, especially since Dalina would have been left in charge of administration while her chieftain girlfriend was off with Clive

the uncute tonberries made me sad

originally i admit to disappointment that Dion was not brought along, but then i got to Haven and saw the murals and heard their stories and i thought... yeaa... the prince—and now emperor—of Sanbreque not coming along is a wise creative decision...

receiving Ultima's essence was unexpected and interesting... positively massive ramifications for the little fic i've been nursing

was surprisingly charmed by Jamila and Herve's plotline

this is completely personal: i wish Leviathan's Dominant was a girl. it felt like the egis' designs were weirdly shaped in a feminine way? it's just shapes i know, but i wish there was a better balance of Dominants... it seems like only the "female" Eikons get female Dominants...

respect to the game for consistently making their infant babies ugly and wrinkly lol realism wow

so the Dame knew all this time of the Motes of Water and their hidden little settlement?? or at least knew and protected people from there, and helped them procure jobs and supplies? that's a hell of a secret to have been keeping Isabelle

am shook at the introduction of chronomancy. really??? such a massive concept at the end game...?? i mean it's great in a way because my phoenixflare fic is a time rewind au, so thanks for confirming time magick exists in the world, but i'm an old school fan and would have done what i wanted anyway. i noted how the story repeated multiple times that the "stream of life" flows only one way, from the start to the end, and from the mountain to the sea, probably to try and ward off fan speculation of what chronomancy can do to the (canon) ending of the game. ha...hahah... well the firebird rules life and death, and time magics are historically classified as white magics in FF so...

the suspended Aire of Hours was stunning though, as was the Surge wave

loved all the water talk and water expressions of Mysidia. great linguistic anchor for what they believe and how they think: death as returning to the sea, the water cycle as the cycle of life, their collaborative living style and how they "flow together", using water references as exclamations and swears and blessings, even endearments such as "dewdrop".

Ifrit is pretty small in the grand scheme of Eikons huh... he fit so nicely in Leviathan's mouth. Chomp.

that bloody phase 3!!!!!!! ARGH.

Asides:

oh i'm annoyed with myself ;_; 70k words into the pf fic with Kihel planned as the Warden of Water... it's no big deal... i don't have to back-amend my fic... it's fine... it's fine...

but Mysidia had fascinating concepts that i really want to incorporate—and some i coincidentally already incorporated, thank you new lore for your validation—and genuinely fascinated by what it means for my fic for Clive to house the essence of Ultima. the Warden of the Divine? wild.

Joshua's musings on Dominants' fates was *chef's kiss*. when he reflects on his own experiences, his fear, (the loneliness; who else even understands or can help an Eikonic child, the rush of power)—and back at the Hideaway after quest completion he reflects further on Dominants being doomed to be servant or slave to the country in which they are born. thinky boy. Harpocrates was Dion's tutor, but Harpocrates' actual successor feels like Joshua. loremaster, philosopher, historian, storyteller? love this energy for him.

[dreamingsushi]

Till the End of the Moon - Episode 40 Final Episode

I was almost done with my review when... I lost power at home because of a storm that came suddenly. I’ll do my best to rewrite it as it was supposed to be but... it sucks.

So finally, here it is, the last Episode of this series. It’s the first one I finish in a short amount of time since a while, so it kind of feels like a big accomplishment. As far as I know, it could go either way from now and I don’t know what to get ready for except for tissues, losing some characters, maybe all of them, who knows with a Chinese drama. Also, am I still the only one wondering about the masked king? Is it really Ye Qingyu as I supposed a few episodes ago? I need answers. So let’s just dig in.

This time, the wedding ceremony is rather simple. I mean, for a god I guess. Cang Jiumin brings the castle into the sky and out of the ground as a wedding gift for Susu. She herself also has a gift. She plans on using all of the energy of her harp, which is divine power, to kill him. She engages the self-abandoning array, which doesn’t please Cang Jiumin, cause in his plan he dies, she lives.

While Cang Jiumin is trapped, the cultivators arrive. Gongye Jiwu orders to get the punishment array going, even though it might kill Susu. They’re not there to save her, but rather to kill the demon god. Everybody obeys nonetheless. Cang Jiumin breaks the self-abandoning array and pulls Susu towards him, only to have her receive the lightning punishment on his stead. Probably to make her become a goddess. He can’t even bear to watch her being in pain. Seriously, his life was sad from beginning to end.

Noticing that Cang Jiumin escaped, Gongye Jiwu rushes to him and... HOLY SHIT!!! WAIT? NO? I don’t like this, I don’t like this, I don’t like this. Can Jiumin notices it’s not normal that he became that strong. It’s because of the demonic powers he took. And now like... OH GOSH. He’s sucking everyone else’s spiritual energy, cultivators and demons alike. And I hate it so mych, because he always was like.. the nice guy, super upright and this is so damn wrong. And the worst is that it kind of is off character, but it also totally make sense that he would sacrifice anything to let the ‘good’ guys win. But at the same time, to me he’s the guy that always follows the rules... I pity him so much too. Always someone’s puppet. Before his dad king, now Dimian who made him hate Cang Jiumin with his lies.. Fortunately, Cang Jiumin saves him from becoming a demon and losing it before throwing him down, to be caught by Monü. It’s crazy she kind of became somewhat good and he became somewhat bad. Anyways, we all have a little bit of both inside us.

Cang Jiumin does mean stuff so to provoke Susu. AND FINALLY WE KNOW. He launches the creepy eye and masked king loses his mask. And just as I predicted, he is no one else than Ye Qingyu. YAY. He uses his demonic powers to erect a shield to protect his city. The immortals also do so, but a lot die anyways. Susu finally has a breakthrough. Through yelling. Must be hard on your vocal chords to be an immortal with all that screaming.

When she awakens as a goddess, she takes Cang Jiumin away, to a place untouched by the all in distress way. She knows that it was his plan to make her renounce to her love and become a goddess so she would kill him. She takes away his appearance of the demon god. He takes her to the celestial pillar of the gods and shows her the view. She has stuff to say, but will only let him know the next time they meet. She destroys the evil bone and decides to die with him, since once there isn’t any demon god, any other god isn’t needed.

He seems to give in but that is a lie. Obviously. He uses the protective dragon scale to send her away and destroys the remnants of the evil bone. And as the all in distress way disappears, so does Cang Jiumin. He makes me so sad...

When she wakes up, she sees his tomb next to Ye Xiwu’s. And five hundred years later, she takes their child to see the world and the Mo River. I think this part made me cry even more than when they said their goodbyes. She still has the scales, and it is kind of implied that he might still live somehow in there? I don’t know. But that’s how it ends. Poor Cang Jiumin. His fate was so sad.

I will try to get over the ending, which was satisfactory at some point. I was hoping he would survive, but I kind of didn’t want him to, because it makes more sense that way, but it’s still super super sad. Thank you for keeping up with me throughout this series, let’s meet one last time for my overall review!

[broke-on-books]

Got tagged by @threephantomrey on a reading game thing, it got long so it's pasted under the cut.

1) How many books did you read this year?

So many omg!! I logged 34 books on Goodreads but I only started logging there at the end of February. I also read a shitton of comics that I didn’t log there because I didn’t want to skew certain statistics and use a different app to log that. (Going by my rough math using that, I’ve read 360 individual comic issues in 2023, not counting rereads). So like I read a lot.

2) Did you reread anything? What?

Sooo much stuff. I just finished a reread of N. K. Jemisin’s Great Cities Duology like two days ago, which I cannot recommend more. Also reread 17776 recently, as well as a childhood favorite (The Fall of the Readers series by Django Wexler) over the summer. When it comes to comics I’ve also done a ton of rereading, most notably Emerald Twilight (Green Lantern (1990) #48-50) like 5 times for the most rereads, but I’ve also reread other faves (in whole or part) such as Wonder Woman: Historia, Batgirl (2000), and I’m currently doing a Green Lanterns (2016) read which has me brain diseased because I am actually obsessed with them SO bad. And I reread poetry constantly so there’s that too.

3) What were your top five books of the year?

I’m skipping this one honestly. I started thinking about it and it hurt my brain. Some standouts I haven’t mentioned yet though include The Fifth Season by N K Jemisin, The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin, The Last Speakers: The Quest to Save the World’s Most Endangered Languages by K. David Harrison, and The Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. Also like everything Greg Rucka did on Wonder Woman in the aughts (including the Hikateia <3333)

4) Did you discover any new authors that you love this year?

Probably Greg Rucka is a big one, Would maybe count James Baldwin here but that’s iffy because I decided to start reading some of his stuff because I loved a poem of his I had read before this year (among other things). I would also say I discovered A. S. King this year, but I don’t know if I’d say I LOVE her writing, rather that I find it incredibly entertaining because of how batshit fucking crazy it is. Like no one else is on her level when it comes to insanity honestly (and I say this as a comics fan)

5) What genre did you read the most of?

I mean superhero comics probably, but also I read a good amount of poetry (as always) and some fiction.

6) Was there anything you meant to read, but never got to?

Sooooooo much! Because I like so many genres I’m always reading like 10+ books at a time, and still a lot of stuff I just don’t get to. Some things I wanted to read include some poetry books I own, specifically my Most Famous Poems of All Time anthology (I think that’s what it’s called?) and my best of Antonio Machado book (bilingual edition!). There’s also a bunch of specific poems that would fall under this category. Also meant to read the Light of the Jedi by Charles Soule (and the rest of the main High Republic series), but that didn’t happen. Also I wanted to read some 90s Flash but it’s soooo long and I couldn’t justify starting it while I’m in the middle of so many things.

7) What was your average Goodreads rating? Does it seem accurate?

My average rating was a 4.2 which is pretty high. I’d say it seems accurate for the books I finished, but when you consider all my DNFs and comics it would definitely be way lower, as I quit a bunch of books halfway through for being terrible this spring that aren’t reflected, and also I read some really shitty comics for my faves this fall. 

8) Did you meet any of your reading goals? Which ones?

No I didn’t meet them : ((((((((. I was pretty ambitious with the Goodreads goal (set for 100 books) so I’m not sad I didn’t meet that, but I was using those numbers to compete with my best friend on who could read the most, and I lost that (she had 43 to my 34) due to a slump in the early summer and another during the school year in the fall. For comics I recently hit 1000 issues read, so I’m happy about that mindset, and got my niche fave into my top 5 characters read so I’m pretty happy there. Still haven’t reached my goal of having Wonder Woman beat Batman for my top character yet, but that only emerged as an objective like a month ago so I’m not too upset. 

9) Did you get into any new genres?

I’d say so, yes! In recent years I’ve done a lot of expanding my taste of books into different genres, and this year I think I read a lot of memoirs, (both traditional and fictionalized) than I ever did before. For traditional I read Jennette McCurdy’s I’m Glad My Mom Died and in terms of fictionalized, I read and enjoyed both Go Tell it on the Mountain by James Baldwin and The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian by Sherman Alexie. Next year I want to read more of this genre, especially getting to Maya Angelou’s I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, which has been on my TBR for a while. 

10) What was your favorite new release of the year?

New release… um…. Let me check something real quick. How have I read nothing from this year what. Okay I’m just going to stick to comics for this one and say Spirit World by Alyssa Wong was SO GOOD. Honestly may buy the trade for that when it comes out in April like I was loving that series sm. (also Wong is my favorite comic author currently writing. Although they’re not doing anything I’m interested in in 2024 it looks like : ((((( )

11) What was your favorite book that has been out for a while, but you just now read?

*blinks in classics fan* uhhh actually you know what. The Rime of the Ancient Mariner has been published for 231 slutty, slutty years and I only got around to it now. So that’s a shame. Also I read Huck Finn for the first time this year and that’s been culturally massive for centuries as well. Although the ending for that book was shit I really liked the rest. Tom Sawyer can actually die in a hole though I hate him SO much. 

12) Any books that disappointed you?

SO MANY YES. I had a really long dnf streak in late spring of this year, but one of the books I couldn’t finish was one of the most hyped up books I’ve read this year, that being All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr. Also I actually finished this one but I just hated Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead by Tom Stoppard. Which like I’ve heard good things about this play and I had just finished Hamlet like a month or so before and just like. Idk it was bad I didn’t like it and thought it was super confusing. Maybe watching a stage production would make me like it more but like. It was not lit fam idk :/

13) What were your least favorite books of the year?

Those two for sure would be in there. Also just like the rest of my dnfs I guess. R & G was the only book I finished that I rated less than three stars on goodreads. OH WAIT COMICS. I read so many shitty comics oh my god. This could have gone in disappointments too but Green Lantern: Mosaic FUCKING SUCKED. Like jesus christ it was so bad I only made it three issues. It was such a disappointment too because it was a spinoff book from a really good arc imo (written by the worst human to ever draw air and write comics. Not an exaggeration) with cool ideas and characterization and then the actual book is like fucking. Horrific. Like he has the main character fucking graphically domestic abuse his girlfriend in front of her kid and then she forgives him and then she comforts him and it's just a hot mess of a book. Fucking awful. This summary doesn’t even begin to cover it. 

14) What books do you want to finish before the year is over?

I told myself I would finally finish Muerte Bajo el Sol, the Spanish translation of Agatha Christie’s Evil Under the Sun by the end of the year but I very much lied there so yeah. I’ve been reading that book for so long I just need it over.

15) Did you read any books that were nominated for or won awards this year (Booker, Women’s Prize, National Book Award, Pulitzer, Hugo, etc.)? What did you think of them?

Oh yeah a ton. I like my books thematically crunchy so I generally search out award winners. I’ll be easy and say the Broken Earth Trilogy here, which I did love, although I think the first book was the strongest outside of the three. I won’t spoil but I was in the parking lot waiting to pick up my friend when I reached a certain point and I legit almost honked my horn in the senior parking lot. At dismissal. Also had a few great moments reading it where I realized that the author had read [insert classic here] as well and was drawing some inspiration for certain elements which I liked. 

16) What is the most over-hyped book you read this year?

All the Light We Cannot See for sure. It just wasn’t it personally. 

17) Did any books surprise you with how good they were?

Maphead by Ken Jennings lmao. I was given a metric ton of Ken Jennings books for Christmas 2022 (because I’m a MAJOR trivia/quiz bowl nerd and he hosts Jeopardy) but this was my favorite, and I really did like it. (especially the quiz in the back haha)

18) How many books did you buy?

No comment. The username is the username for a reason. No but uhhh for real idk. I used the libraries pretty heavily this year, so when it comes to like my own money then just two comic trades I think. Maybe some more poetry. I get given/ask for a lot of books as gifts so that’s where most of mine comes from. I got 9 books for Christmas like last week haha.

19) Did you use your library?

Yee! I used 4 different library systems this year, (high school, local public, college, and college local public) so I definitely made the most of it. Currently I have three library cards as I just applied for a new one in my college town using my dorm address lol. Oh and I got a few books from an informal swap library set up in a bookshelf right outside my summer job so that too i suppose. 

20) What was your most anticipated release? Did it meet your expectations?

I’ll use Spirit World here because it actually came out in 2023 haha. I think it both met and surpassed my expectations, as the reasons I started the book were all better or just as good as expected, but also there were so many other elements that I thought were soooo good too so yeah.

21) Did you participate in or watch any booklr, booktube, or book twitter drama?

Nah idc about any of that. I listen to my friend complain about how shitty some of the popular tiktok books she reads are so that should count for something ig. 

22) What’s the longest book you read?

The Fifth Season was 468 pages so that one. Shortest was Rime of the Ancient Mariner with 77 pages (although I think it was shorter tbh)

23) What’s the fastest time it took you to read a book?

According to Libby I think like an hour and a half for the Absolutely True Diary which is kind of crazy. (not counting the Rime here obviously) but generally it only takes me a couple hours for most books. Poetry collections and nonfiction are different though.

24) Did you DNF anything? Why?

SO MUCH. Why? Because it sucked. No but like I was trapped with my most accessible library from Jan - May this year being the one at my high school, which just had SO much YA and books for like. Middle schoolers. This was at a time where my tastes were maturing a lot and I really wanted serious books. So even recommendations I would get from the librarians for books during this time would fall flat just because they were too juvenile for what I was into. 

25) What reading goals do you have for next year?

To beat my best friend in books read. Also like to try not to slump too bad and just like. Read a good amount. Finish my one spanish book so I can start my other spanish book. Have Wonder Woman beat Batman in my comic book stats. Yeah. 

As for tagging uh idk im like really congested right now so like. people do whatever i dont want to have to htink of anybody to tag *thumbs up emoji*

[farfromstrange]

Small update for anyone who cares…

First of all, thank you to everyone who’s supported me after I posted about the current state of my mental health! The past couple of days were shitty, but I made it through the worst.

The exam that kept me on the edge of depression and insanity while at the same time robbing me of writing inspiration is finally done. Got myself some sweets and a nice iced coffee and I’m now watching The Walking Dead. Did it go well? Probably not but I’m too exhausted to care. I deserve a treat after studying like crazy. My mental health deserves a reward. Time for a much needed night in my bed with Disney+ by my side.

I’m feeling better now, thankfully, so I will start easing my way back into writing and creating content for you. I feel less sad and frustrated when I open Tumblr now and I’ve actually continued writing the new Foreigner’s God chapter as well as trying to write an essay on Matt Murdock’s characters (I did that to revise for the psychology exam and I think it worked quite well).

I’ll be queueing some drafts until I’ve got everything in my life sorted and am ready to be completely back. Thank you for your support and your patience! Your lovely words made my days so much better and the amount of love I’ve received is unreal. I love you all so much!

I didn’t get the time to answer your replies to the original post separately, so to everyone who’s told me to take care of myself and showed me love in one way or another, THANK YOU! I can’t express how thankful I am for you and how much I love and cherish all of you! I know it might not have seemed like it in the past couple of days, but it IS true.

The worst is yet to come, but for now I think I’m okay and somewhat ready to come back. The break did me some good and I’ve realized I shouldn’t put too much pressure on myself because hobbies are not supposed to feel like chores, so I’ll take it easy from now on so I can actually enjoy creating new Daredevil content again <3

Love you all!

- Lizzi.

[compassionatereminders]

I need to vent. Today around 12 I started to feel pain in the upper part of my stomach/beneath solar plexus. I then spread to the rest of my stomach, so I had pain all over. At the beginning it was something I could handle. But it just got worse and worse, so about an hour later I had to lie down and curl into a ball. It felt like my stomach and intestines where cramping and sometimes shooting sharp pain. I staggered in to the kitchen to take a pain killer and went quickly back to lie down. I also started getting very bad pain/cramps in my lower belly, it felt like the kind of period cramps I have had a couple of times when it hurts so bad that I almost pass out or throw up. So I was lying on the sofa not really able to move while both having way felt like the worst period cramps and a stomach ache and cramps that filled my entire body with pain and cramping from under my breasts to my pelvis. I even felt nauseous. I lay there for an hour or so, not being able to do or focus on anything other than managing my pain and breathing, wanting to distract myself with my phone or tv but not being able to focus and being too overwhelmed. Then the pain killer seems to start working very slowly and in waves where I’m for short amount of times are relieved from the acute stabbing pain and “only” feel a mild kind of constant pain, that honestly feels amazing when you contrast it with worse pain. But the painkiller never really works well enough for me to be able to even just sit up. So I have to ask my mom to bring me another pain killer. She does and she shows sympathy towards me and puts a blanked over me. Well I lay there for another hour or two, and slowly the pain gets less and the “period cramping” stops. Now at 17 I’m able to sit up and walk around slowly and carefully, still with a mild stomach pain all over and super scared that I’ll do anything that might trigger the pain to get worse again. And my mom says to me “sometimes the pain get worse when you focus on it so much, maybe try to go for a walk?” And I know she’s just trying to help, but it just makes me feel like my pain isn’t bad enough and that I’m doing it wrong or am too lazy or that I’m too sensitive so that I can’t move for several hours because of a mysterious stomachache. And it makes me angry because I feel like I have to defend myself, and I just know she’ll be annoyed with me soon for not being all normal and happy and pain free again, making me feel like I’m manipulating her by telling her how much it hurts and how little I can do at the moment. I didn’t even want to ask her to help me by giving me another pain killer, it took me at least half an hour to psyk myself up to ask her because I don’t want her to see me like this and I don’t want to have to ask for help when I’ll be meet with fake care and sympathy only used as a means to make me stop being difficult faster. It just makes me so angry and sad, and I feel so alone and like I can never lean on anybody or receive genuine care from anyone. And other than that, I have been soo fucking scared from this random pain! I have no idea where or why it came, it’s probably nothing, and even if I try to go to a doctor they’ll just tell me I’m being overly sensitive and have a low pain tolerance and then they won’t be able to find anything, and I’ll feel like I’m just a crazy hypochondriac. But it scares me so much that such overwhelming pain can just appear about if nowhere so suddenly making me feel like my organs are trying to explode or stab themselves, it’s so scary to feel so much pain and not being able to get away from it and painkillers that only work half good or less and takes at least an hour to set in. but it seems like I’ll just have to live with it.

If you hit a pain level where you can barely move or think, then you should see a doctor. And I am saying this well aware that many doctors aren't particularly helpful. Still, a 9 or a 10 on the pain scale is something you need to see a doctor about if you don't know why it's happening. So please take it seriously if this happens again. Even if your mom isn't as concerned as she should be.

[1d1195]

I’ve missed you too!! Such a busy week has left me drained lol but seriously bestie chatting with you cheers me up every single time💕

You’re so real for skipping around the audio for the sweet parts lol especially when it comes to friends to lovers legit a trope I could ever get tired of!! I would say get into audio book but tbh sometimes the people narrating them are not the best… so yeah maybe stick to the audio porn lol also you’re writing something for Thursday?!? A WIN!!!!!!

Aren’t we all angsty girlies at heart?!! At least I know I am lol love the pain and distress lol made to be was just so so so good I know I say this often but I might just have to re-read! (And I genuinely do bc the amount of time I’ve re-read your stories is crazy lol) and the new teacherry won’t be dumb! And if it is who cares!! This is fiction so it doesn’t have to be groundbreaking at all! I know it won’t suck but I do understand how it can be hard to see the positives sometimes!

Cariño is a fave of mine for reasons idk why! There’s also bebé(baby), preciosa(precious), querida, mi reina(my queen, but tbh I’m not a fave of queen in general lol) but omg gatita IS SO FOR YOUR STOIRES😭 there’s probably a ton I’m blanking on lol mi vida is also such a classic that I love it too lol and I don’t think that you would offend anyone tbh! Plus if you want to use the restaurant storyline stuff like tacos and other food stuff is what sells ya know. I think as long as you don’t really enforce stereotypes(I doubt you will!) then you’re fine! Or I could also see the reason of him using Spanish nicknames would be maybe because he studied aboard? Or maybe just living in a place where they mainly spoke Spanish for a bit? Or he’s just crazy smart and learned the language on his own lol ANWAYS I fear i will once again die(good way)if you ever use a Spanish nickname!!

lol

I’ve had other 3 hour courses before and they can totally make or break how I retain the info. I always kinda feel like I wanna share about the cool topics but i definitely geek out about and I fear these little chants would become WAYY longer than needed lol but thank you!! Hopefully I’ll stay interested in it for at least half way through 😭

NOT THE NOSE😭( I SCREAMED) BESTIE DRAG ME HAHAHA (his nose is cute though so you’re right😔) but for him i find his hands the most attractive…he’s also tall and wears glasses so i fear i wont shut up about him lol and thank you for the lovely vibes!!

Oh think those colors would be so cool for you! Especially rn since i think thats what’s like popular I think? But im sure it will look lovely in theory lol it probably would be a shock for everyone but dare i say bestie i kinda love the idea of you doing that!! Yeah the upkeep and like special products once has to use to take care of the color can be a lot lol I LOVE the way the universe made you!!!

You’re so right about Cody lol and I can see the appeal of Ben but Josh… girl trauma lol I love a good sad character even if it hurts knowing about! There’s also nothing wrong taking the sperm donor route like I have done my research as well lol Also a honey prequel?!? THATS SUCH A GOOD IDEA!! And bestie honey is turning out great!I have no doubt the last few parts will be just the same! You are and have been capable of creating such lovely stories!

Understandable about the wedding! I can see the Most couple getting eloped or whatever since they are basically soulmates lol I can definitely see how the guilt of her leaving could prevent her from even enjoying being engaged or going through the wedding process. And you’re right Harry would marry her whenever and wherever lol oh that’s such a good way of grouping firefighters 😭

Retail therapy is always fun! But I totally get how it sucks when not even the sweet treats are working😭 sending you the best vibes to help your brain!! Also a trip to Salem sounds so fun!! Have you been there before? Fall very much seems like your season( plus your birthday is coming up soon-ish!!) and a mft update would be so good for fall!

I actually had a busy weekend! Went out with friends to a drag show on campus which was fun! Did some needed errands but sadly started to feel off bc of my period:( but I’m fine just in slight pain lol and this quarter I only go for 3 days so it’s not too bad! Though I do have to wake up really early and stay really late on campus which is lame! But typically I like to go everyday just so I can have consistency but it just depends on the classes tbh who knows how next quarter will be lol

Ahhh Sam my love I am wishing you the best start of the week! Missed you loads!! Sending you so much love bestie! Love you lots!!!-💜

I think I misspoke perhaps. I meant Thursday as in the date not my story. 🙃 This is a next-door neighbors he's obnoxious but hot, she's not falling for it but is. But it's a little heavy I think. And with the recent Honey update, I'm thinking maybe I'll skip it. We'll see if I throw something together. Y'all might get the last part of Honey on Thursday 🤭 I'm sure everyone's devastated.

Sometimes I write stuff and I'm like "Omg no one would ever do this or believe this" and I know that's kinda the whole reason for fiction, but yeah. I just don't want it to be ridiculous. I'm an angsty girl because I love solving problems (math people, am I right?) but I don't like when it's a prolonged problem I need it solved like ASAP. (I often skip ahead in books, even if it's just a couple pages or a chapter because I get so distraught 😭) and when the love is loving, I need to know it's going to get better.

Preciosa is also super cute! I am def not a fan of my queen. I love princess (thanks Niall). but other than that. GATITA FOR THE WIN. I love the idea of studying abroad Harry. Love that love that love that!

Even if you just give me like a tidbit to study and look up. Or I'll make another sideblog just for you to send anon messages and geek out about psych stuff. I'm down for whatever you just let me know!

I WASN'T DRAGGING I SWEAR 😭 I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE. Yes, hands, bless. I will not elaborate about hands, but you know. Everyone knows. GLASSES I'm S O L D. Please, do NOT shut up about him. I'm here for him.

I've been thinking about it more and more because I realized very recently my hair is all one color. Doesn't really photograph well. Idk. I don't photograph well at all. I think my whole aesthetic is "lovely in theory" 💀

I bet you're really kicking yourself that "honey is turning out great!" 🤭

Never been to Salem, no. Fall IS my season. I am a sweater, campfire, and bugs dying kind of girl. Apple picking? Say less. Basically, I want to be MFT mc and just live my best fall life.

I love that you still did fun things even if you're starting to feel off. It sounds like a fun weekend overall! I hope the pain continues to not be too bad. 3 days is a dream! I get the consistency. That's brutal for a sleep schedule. Can you sleep late on the days you don't have classes at least? But yeah, I get it. Some classes are such a drag!

LOVE YOU!

xoxo

[ratontheline]

Hey… Im back posting again…

Kinda goofy… I do remember what I said and I quote:

“There’s not going to be art for a while until I fix it..”

…it hasn’t even been 3 days, I had reasons.

As you may or not know I got scammed ummm I was not feeling so great after it 🤠 I really wasn’t going to post for a while, I was recouping my resolve and just trying to get my head back on again before I was hit with another whammy.

Amelia Watson ceases all social media related activities ie including streaming

Ummm it seems to be that my week just got EVEN WORSE HAHAHAHAH

I probably have not said it but I’m a big holo myth fan. Love everything about them… istg they are literally the perfect group construction ever made. They had art, music, games, yapping the whole shebang and they also had a perfect models. Anyway threw me for a loop this one HAHAHH.

Umm I poured my heart out on X/two imma just copy paste what I was feeling:

“...l'm going to be posting art again.

I'm not rily in the best head space but I can't let this feeling go. Not after this group literally gave me a reason to start drawing.

If holo myth didn't exist I wouldn't be drawing.

They genuinely inspired me to make art again.

To think that the group I owe my art too is losing a member - it hurts.

I draw for them... I improved so that I can make better art for them... every single one of them contributed to me stepping out and indulging in my love for art unapologetically.

To try again.

To be obsessive, to be critical, to be innovative with my art.

Like words can't even express the amount of love and respect I have for them.

...Cheers Ame🍻I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, hope u know whatever you do will inspire someone out there. Just as you and the rest of the girls have done for me.”

Dawg first of trying to copy paste that was so fucking hard, anyway I was crying while typing that SORRY IF ITS KINDA DISJOINTED I WAS GOING THROUGH IT ACTUALLY😭

Anyway yea pretty much it, I do really mean it, like they are my shiny chariot (lwa) like if it weren’t for hololive I wouldn’t be drawing that how damn impactful they are for me.

Im putting them on a pedestal, I dont give a fuck if that’s bad.

Anyway yea that’s that but what does it have to do with me posting… well a lot.

I was sad cuz I lost my money, but I’m sadder cuz Ame is graduating… so I’m posting more.

It make sense don’t try to argue with me. I probably sound crazy whatever IM A MESS LEAVE ME ALONE, ig best way to think about this is to think of me like Akko she wants to become a witch cuz she watch chariot’s show and spread happiness. I watched them make stuff which Inspires me to make stuff to. Anyway I love them.

anyway cheers guys, sorry it this also all over the place, it’s been a rough ass week I basically took hits to my psyche like crazy anyway expect a lot of art from me for a while.

I am locked in.

After I cry some more CHEERS YALL😭🍻

[onedayatatime-please]

Thursday, Aug. 15th, 2024. 1:03 pm

I've spent the whole day with extreme anxiety. I did my breakfast sandwich, shower, and everything like I said I would, but in between has been spent doing breathing exercises to try and calm myself down as my heart has been racing. I have been sitting in front of my computer emotionally prepping for my therapy appointment only to get a call five minutes before its supposed to start telling me that its been cancelled because the therapist had some sort of emergency and is now no longer taking new clients. This is fine, shit happens. Im now just emotionally exhausted and a bit upset that I had to change the person I wanted to be my therapist, and the new person im going to do intake with seems good but not quite as good. Who knows, maybe im wrong and Im gonna end up loving them but Im so fucking tired.

Also I had a dream last night where I was back on Randy's farm and got to say hi to Bandito. He must be a very old horse now if he is still alive (I know his mother passed a few years ago), and in my dream his hairs were greying a bit, but he still had the white pattern around his eyes. There was a girl there working on the farm and we were flirting, and in the dream I was kinda hoping to get with her. Most of the dream was spent on the farm, but at some point it shifted to a desert scape and suddenly I was in a war zone and hiding out in some low mud buildings from a group of soldiers. As some point a soldier found me and the last thing I remember from my dream was crying and begging for my life as he pointed his gun in my face. Very weird to have those two things happen one after the other.

I woke up feeling like I had not slept at all, which has been pretty much how I've been waking up every day recently.

I'm gonna clean the house and get ready for my cousins to be here in 3 hours. I am also going to try and photograph some more drawings for my portfolio so I can work on uploading them when I am visiting with my grandparents.

I am not dead yet, I will do my best to keep it that way.

9:42 pm edit:

Dinner went well and now I am very tired. I had a call with 🪶. He’s going to another city on the same days I’ll be near him. I think it’s time I move on from him. I loved him so much, and it’s not his fault that his life is falling apart. I want to be there for him and I want to keep loving him because I love loving him but I know it’s not sustainable. A part of me feels like I should just go along for the ride, I’m twenty, it doesn’t need to be sustainable yet. But I don’t want a ride, not really. He does tho, he wants to do crazy shit and that would be fine if we could work together to sustain our relationship on top of that but that doesn’t seem likely. This has been coming for so long I don’t really feel sad about it yet, I just feel lonely. I haven’t felt like I’m actually in a relationship for a while. And he was the one who made me want a sustainable relationship in the first place. I was so set on being lonely, but then I met him and it made me realize that I really do want another person, I want to be married, I want kids. But he doesn’t want any of that yet and he probably doesn’t want it with me either way. I’m glad that we were able to love each other for the few years we did. I wish things could be simple, but they are not. I don’t want to break it off with him because I’m afraid of experiencing true loneliness again after knowing what it’s like to actually not be lonely. Either decision leads to me being fucking miserable for a certain amount of time and I keep doing this thing where I try to negotiate and find a middle ground where I can be kind of okay for a little bit but that’s not how all this shit is gonna work in the end. I love him and I know that he loves me but we are at a time in our lives where we cannot fulfill each others needs in a stable relationship and so instead we are probably going to part ways and never hear from each other again and the thought of that makes me fucking sick.

I feel like a coward for wanting to leave him when he is struggling even though he is actively pushing me away.

I Wanna be an Astronaut floating through space

And be tied to a ship by a cord and just be simple and quiet.

But instead I’m a dog.

I’m gonna go to the ocean soon, so I can float in the water.

I’m not dead yet, I will do my best to keep it that way.