#like super personal

[protectcosette]

maybe people don't lose friends when they start aa bc their friends just can't handle them going sober maybe it's bc aa is a cult and you have to make a 2 hour commitment every day for 90 days and peoples friends are tired of being ditched for aa meetings

[skinzchoerim]

begin and beyOnd make me the most emotional out of all the solos and I've managed to pin down exactly why. begin makes me feel understood and it presented a new way of telling queer stories that ignited in me the need to create and spread that feeling. beyOnd makes me feel loved. I identify a lot with Mill's character, not just because of the drawing and bullying but also all the held back anger and passive behavior. Hearing him described as a winter flower, with so much fondness and understanding, makes me feel less broken.

[genderqueer-karma]

hello. right now as i write this, it is june 23, ten days before my 19th birthday.

that’s right. 19th birthday. i’m 19 years old on july 3, which’ll be “today” for you, but the future for me. i don’t know why, but that feels more of a scary age to be than 18. last year i became an “adult”, but this year, i’ve been one the whole time. scary.

i can legally vote. i’ve voted. i’ve actually contributed to society politically outside of smaller organizing. that’s not something i could say today (june 23) last year. and next year? i’ll be able to say the same. next year, when i turn 20.

i’m currently in university; a sophomore who’s very close to being a junior. i’ll be going to law school in two years or less. terrifying. (yes, the annoying mana/ace attorney/cat/whatever-obsessed dio from your phone is going to Big Professional Law School.)

life is coming at me fast. i’d be a liar to say i’m not scared of the future. in fact, at the moment, i’m dreading the next few days, because the future was never something i thought of more seriously than a passing glance at what could be. however, it’s staring me in the face now.

in my head, i’ve planned my life tenfold, but it’s always been silly conjecture with no actual bearing on what was going to happen. a fantasy, basically.

i had a similar moment when i graduated high school last year, and the feeling comes from the same place: the part of me that knows i didn’t think i would’ve made it here.

when you have a mindset of “this’ll all come crashing down in a moment”, you’d think it make you uninhibited and free to live in nihilistic bliss, but the opposite is true. you get obsessive and scared. i’m obsessive and scared. i have dreams of what my future looks like, but when confronted with certain aspects of making to happen, i tense up and throw away those hopes. it doesn’t feel very good.

fear grips me. both about july 3, which will come and go then come again, and about july 4. and july 5. and every day until i finally am claimed by the earth again.

tumblr isn’t my personal diary, but it feels nice to get things out in this way.

i went to church with my mother today, and surprisingly, that isn’t what was the catalyst for this existentialism. i’ve been dreading my birthday for at least a week and half prior to june 23. the reason i bring up church though, is because i saw a path into my future. (no i’m not going to evangelize.)

i saw a version of myself who was in the church that i’ve been in since i was 10, married to a boy who my family has been teasing me about for years now, leading a good, pure life that everyone there approved of, surrounded by people who loved me. people who i know love me.

and in my imagining of that life, there were parts of it i wanted so desperately. if i wasn’t frozen in my seat, i might’ve actually reached out to touch the frame of the front door of my nonexistent house. i would’ve wanted to give a hug and kiss to the children that are not there.

but i couldn’t shake the underlying misery of it. keeping up a lie as a “wife” and “mother”, when that wasn’t the half of it. being unsure of the faith i would’ve tried so hard to claim. i was living the life that was expected of me. and i couldn’t do it.

still; parts of me want it, if only for the ease of it. i can have that life and be set for the rest of my days. every power on, above, below, and inside this earth knows i’m much too awkward and frankly socially inept to even begin trying to claim it for myself, so maybe that sort of assistance wouldn’t be so bad.

maybe i’ll find my way back there and learn to accept a fragmented version of myself. who knows? i definitely don’t. in fact, i’m not sure if i want to find out.

so. 19. i’m afraid of you. not necessarily because of you. but what you represent. i’m not a child anymore. not by any stretch of the imagination. but i’m not ready for “adulthood”; regardless of how ready for me it is.

and to me, to dio: happy birthday. we did it. and we’ll keep doing it.

if you read this far: do you still think i’m funny and cool after i’ve revealed all my neuroses to you :(?

[diary-of-a-scarlet-ibis]

I'm still struggling with my own brain when it comes to writing, even 5 months after I got covid. At this point I have to assume it's permeant (as frustrating as that might be)

It feels like I've been transported back at least 7 years in my skill, like all the work I put in over the years was erased overnight (well I was sick for about 4 days so maybe not quite overnight).

Writing stories has always come so easily to me that having to work at it makes me feel like I'll never regain the skill. That isn't true though, I've been working at it and I can already see some improvement

I have my good days and my bad days but it's getting better. I don't feel as lost for words when I speak anymore and sometimes I even find them flowing in the way they used to

Tonight is definitely one of the better days. I'm going to try and focus on appreciating that

Eventually I'll get it back. Even be able to write something I want to show people again. Write fic again (something I always found more challenging than original works, but also more rewarding)

For now I'm taking it slow. I'm writing for myself and sticking to things I find easier, and of course trying to forgive myself for not being at the level I once was

[hoshizoralone]

reflection

[sunnibits]

just out of curiosity bc some people I know with glasses can just go a few hours or a day without them and be chill but I need them on all the time or I’ll go crazy

[xieliancore]

obsessed with chappell roan's vmas outfit!!

[chloesimaginationthings]

Hear me out, Michael would think Roxy is SICK AF

[inkskinned]

we were sitting on the floor and i was cutting out tiny pictures to make a collage for a friend's birthday. you were on your phone and you laughed about something, and i was still in love with you then, so i asked what had you giggling.

"sorry. i was just..." you took a moment and went back to texting. "i was telling someone about how you're afraid of the dark."

i'm afraid of the dark because something bad happened. "oh." i felt a little slinky of shame crawl down my throat.

you glanced up, and maybe it showed on my face, because you rolled your eyes and held the phone to the side casually so i could see the group chat. "what? was it a secret?"

i looked down to the scissors in my hand. "i just..." no, it's not a secret. it just felt like something private, something serious. saying why would you tell someone that just feels like an accusation. it's unfair. i honestly am not even ashamed of it, it's just a fact about my person that i don't usually share.

what a strange experience. is this a human thing or a generational thing? for our grandparents: did they need to worry about how quickly someone can just... share your personal information? again, i didn't even really have a true objection. what could i say? i want any person in my life to feel they can be honest with their friends. it's not like i said don't tell anyone this.

i cut out another letter to complete the rainbow happy birthday, started hunting for the exclamation mark. i heard you sigh dramatically.

"don't make a big deal about this," you said.

this entire conversation was a pattern for us, and this was when we got to my least favorite part of the pattern. i would get my feelings hurt in some oblique not-technically-terrible way, and then it would be making a big deal about something. you'd get frustrated for me for being soft, but i was born soft. you knew i was soft when you pierced me. it's one of the things that made controlling me so easy.

"i'm not," i felt my voice crack. the question came without my wanting. "why are you guys talking about me?" and why are you saying that thing? why not like - i'm telling them how you're generous and kind and pretty.

you let out this low, tragic groan. "oh my god." you tossed the phone away from your body. "there, see? i just won't talk to them if you don't like it."

the rest of the hour went the way it always went, between us: i said i don't actually mind if you talk to your friends but -, you found a way to call my minor expression of discomfort "being dramatic." you got upset that i had been offended. i ended up apologizing, even though i hadn't actually done anything.

afterwards, you picked up the phone again. after texting for a little bit, you snorted. "okay," you said, "but it is kind of funny you're afraid of the dark. i mean, when you think about it."

[ale-arro]

been going a little bit insane about this sentence from Ace by Angela Chen for the past week

[yanderespamton78]

Edit since a lot of people seem confused - your "real" name is the name that you want to be referred to in real life. It doesn't have to be your legal name. So if you're trans and you have a different name to whats on your birth certificate, even if not many people call you by the name, it still counts as your real name.

Edit 2 : Holy shit guys please stop reblogging this post my poor inbox im getting like 20 notifs an hour asjfhkajshdkh /lh /srs

[ashstfu]

i am so in love w life right now. i wake up super early & i do pilates. i love to hear the chirping of birds in my quiet house on a sunday morning and i play jazz records and silently make myself coffee and enjoy it with a poem. i am developing a habit of eating fruit everyday and i take long walks in the evening and i love watching people do their thing. i visit the beach atleast three times a week, i love the sea and feeling the gentle breeze of the wind on my face. spending my time at beautiful coffee shops and bookstores. i study on my living room floor and actually love that. i read every night before i go to sleep & listen to music while watching the hills illuminated by lights. my friends come over every friday and we cook dinner together and have a little dinner party, i drink wine in the bath, i buy myself flowers and take myself out for dinners. i actually feel good & fulfilled w my life <3

[anonomi]

There is such thing as 'dire machine' which I found out a whiiiile back and I love the concept so this is Sniper's Campervan. Her name is probably just Camper or Cameron.

inspired by the great 'dire machine' artist ratbat (18+ content on her blog be warned!!)

[beifongisms]

i feel like my brain has been hardwired to view other people as competition instead of possible friends and that’s just bs

[bixels]

Messy Trixie Charleston dance roughs.

[egophiliac]

Hi it's just to let you know that the official romanization of Revaan's name is Raverne ! Also they have romanized Baul's name to Baur !

Twst coming back at us again with the least expected romanization! thank you everybody (oh god my inbox) (no it's great, I literally asked for this and the reactions have been INCREDIBLE, thank you all!)

I do like Raverne though, I think it's got a nice fancy sound to it! (I had kinda suspected it was going to be an R instead of an L, so the fact that it's SO close to Laverne except for that is hilarious to me personally.) and Dragoneye Duke is honestly probably the best translation for his title, I wasn't envying the localizers that one. :') Baur instead of Baul I was NOT expecting, but in retrospect I think his name's supposed to be a reference to the Bauru crocodile, so that actually makes way more sense!

someone else also said Meleanor has become Maleanor, which is the REALLY weird one to me, because I was so surprised it was written as Mel instead of Mal in the first place?! oh god no I can't decide which one I like better. 😭 (I wonder if they might change it to Mal...they have made romanization changes before) (like I remember House of Distraction being corrected to House of Destruction in Playful Land) (I did check and she's still Mel for now, but I dunno, they might Mal her up and some point and save me from having to make a decision about which one to use) (HECK I CAN'T DECIDE)

uhhhh thank you for letting me ramble about anime names, let's just say MONOGRAMMED SWEATERS FOR EVERYONE