#like super personal
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maybe people don't lose friends when they start aa bc their friends just can't handle them going sober maybe it's bc aa is a cult and you have to make a 2 hour commitment every day for 90 days and peoples friends are tired of being ditched for aa meetings
#personal#like SUPER personal#my friend made plans with me earlier in the week for today. bc they had ditched another thing last week#and then they confirm LAST NIGHT. then i text today to decide where we're getting coffee and they don't fucking respond#certified protectcosette original#AND THEY DITCHED A MAJOR MEETING LAST WEEK TO BE EARLY FOR AN AA MEETING#WE WERE MEETING AT 7 AND THEY WANTED TO BE THERE AT 8 THEY COULD'VE SHOWED UP FOR PART OF IT#it's just really hurting my feelings. i want to create new sober habits with them but i can't do that if they blow me off every damn time#and i miss them
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begin and beyOnd make me the most emotional out of all the solos and I've managed to pin down exactly why. begin makes me feel understood and it presented a new way of telling queer stories that ignited in me the need to create and spread that feeling. beyOnd makes me feel loved. I identify a lot with Mill's character, not just because of the drawing and bullying but also all the held back anger and passive behavior. Hearing him described as a winter flower, with so much fondness and understanding, makes me feel less broken.
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hello. right now as i write this, it is june 23, ten days before my 19th birthday.
that’s right. 19th birthday. i’m 19 years old on july 3, which’ll be “today” for you, but the future for me. i don’t know why, but that feels more of a scary age to be than 18. last year i became an “adult”, but this year, i’ve been one the whole time. scary.
i can legally vote. i’ve voted. i’ve actually contributed to society politically outside of smaller organizing. that’s not something i could say today (june 23) last year. and next year? i’ll be able to say the same. next year, when i turn 20.
i’m currently in university; a sophomore who’s very close to being a junior. i’ll be going to law school in two years or less. terrifying. (yes, the annoying mana/ace attorney/cat/whatever-obsessed dio from your phone is going to Big Professional Law School.)
life is coming at me fast. i’d be a liar to say i’m not scared of the future. in fact, at the moment, i’m dreading the next few days, because the future was never something i thought of more seriously than a passing glance at what could be. however, it’s staring me in the face now.
in my head, i’ve planned my life tenfold, but it’s always been silly conjecture with no actual bearing on what was going to happen. a fantasy, basically.
i had a similar moment when i graduated high school last year, and the feeling comes from the same place: the part of me that knows i didn’t think i would’ve made it here.
when you have a mindset of “this’ll all come crashing down in a moment”, you’d think it make you uninhibited and free to live in nihilistic bliss, but the opposite is true. you get obsessive and scared. i’m obsessive and scared. i have dreams of what my future looks like, but when confronted with certain aspects of making to happen, i tense up and throw away those hopes. it doesn’t feel very good.
fear grips me. both about july 3, which will come and go then come again, and about july 4. and july 5. and every day until i finally am claimed by the earth again.
tumblr isn’t my personal diary, but it feels nice to get things out in this way.
i went to church with my mother today, and surprisingly, that isn’t what was the catalyst for this existentialism. i’ve been dreading my birthday for at least a week and half prior to june 23. the reason i bring up church though, is because i saw a path into my future. (no i’m not going to evangelize.)
i saw a version of myself who was in the church that i’ve been in since i was 10, married to a boy who my family has been teasing me about for years now, leading a good, pure life that everyone there approved of, surrounded by people who loved me. people who i know love me.
and in my imagining of that life, there were parts of it i wanted so desperately. if i wasn’t frozen in my seat, i might’ve actually reached out to touch the frame of the front door of my nonexistent house. i would’ve wanted to give a hug and kiss to the children that are not there.
but i couldn’t shake the underlying misery of it. keeping up a lie as a “wife” and “mother”, when that wasn’t the half of it. being unsure of the faith i would’ve tried so hard to claim. i was living the life that was expected of me. and i couldn’t do it.
still; parts of me want it, if only for the ease of it. i can have that life and be set for the rest of my days. every power on, above, below, and inside this earth knows i’m much too awkward and frankly socially inept to even begin trying to claim it for myself, so maybe that sort of assistance wouldn’t be so bad.
maybe i’ll find my way back there and learn to accept a fragmented version of myself. who knows? i definitely don’t. in fact, i’m not sure if i want to find out.
so. 19. i’m afraid of you. not necessarily because of you. but what you represent. i’m not a child anymore. not by any stretch of the imagination. but i’m not ready for “adulthood”; regardless of how ready for me it is.
and to me, to dio: happy birthday. we did it. and we’ll keep doing it.
if you read this far: do you still think i’m funny and cool after i’ve revealed all my neuroses to you :(?
#yo it's d :)#personal#like Super personal#i wasn’t sure if i was ever going to come out and tell y’all how old i am#but i figured the more adept of you probably already figured it out#(or those of you who checked my carrd/pronouns.page)#dev rants#(technically)#sorry this got all serious and existential and depressing#i think i my mind and body are in different places#this just in: believing your life will end before you even go to high school actually stunts your growth in many ways#posting this at my birth time so i’m not awake for it
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I'm still struggling with my own brain when it comes to writing, even 5 months after I got covid. At this point I have to assume it's permeant (as frustrating as that might be)
It feels like I've been transported back at least 7 years in my skill, like all the work I put in over the years was erased overnight (well I was sick for about 4 days so maybe not quite overnight).
Writing stories has always come so easily to me that having to work at it makes me feel like I'll never regain the skill. That isn't true though, I've been working at it and I can already see some improvement
I have my good days and my bad days but it's getting better. I don't feel as lost for words when I speak anymore and sometimes I even find them flowing in the way they used to
Tonight is definitely one of the better days. I'm going to try and focus on appreciating that
Eventually I'll get it back. Even be able to write something I want to show people again. Write fic again (something I always found more challenging than original works, but also more rewarding)
For now I'm taking it slow. I'm writing for myself and sticking to things I find easier, and of course trying to forgive myself for not being at the level I once was
#ibis diaries#personal#vent#Like super personal#i'm feeling sentimental tonight idk#I think this is a form of brain fog#Anyway it sucks but it's getting better even if it's slowly
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reflection
#anyways so i think samus has major survivors guilt and is a super perfectionist. The type of girl who reimagines scenarios in her mind#And thinks about how she could have done better. like ‘if i had woken up sooner maybe i could have saved everyone in prime 3’#so i think she says she doesnt know anything about herself because shes so hypercritical of her actions she doesnt see herself as a person#while also her hyper critical-ness shows how she says she wants to ignore herself but she literally cant because she has so many criticisms#oh i wanted to include the ppl from the prime 2 manga in that one shot but was like ‘i dont think ppl will recognize them’.#also lol the existence of dark samus would fuck her up SOOOO bad like it only exists bc she exists & its responsible for the gang’s deaths#okay im done rambling tldr MENTAL ILLNESS.#metroid#samus aran#loneart#metroid dread#metroid prime#super metroid#metroid series#i dont wanna tag all the games. There just those games is enough#hall of fame
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just out of curiosity bc some people I know with glasses can just go a few hours or a day without them and be chill but I need them on all the time or I’ll go crazy
#I know this is just purely dependant on how disabled you are but like. making polls is fun#personally I don’t consider myself super badly nearsighted but like. if anything is literally more than a foot away from me it blurs#so going around without them would suck ass and probably give me a headache#sunny polls
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obsessed with chappell roan's vmas outfit!!
#chappell roan#chappell roan fanart#chappell fanart#vmas#vmas 2024#im not even a fan (like some of her songs tho and she's super talented!!!) but i literally gasped last night when i saw the red carpet pics#so 24 hours later...i finally could grab my pencil hehe#been ages since i've drawn an irl person so idk if this looks like her but the intention was there lol#my art
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Hear me out, Michael would think Roxy is SICK AF
#myart#chloesimagination#comic#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#michael afton#fnaf vanessa#fnaf vanny#fnaf roxy#roxanne wolf#security breach#fnaf fanart#Guys just walk with me for a moment#MICHAEL would think Roxy is super cool#he’s a foxy liker after all so natural evolution is Roxy#BUT Roxy is an 80s rocker who drives race cars and wears sunglasses etc#it’s like right up Michael’s alley#on top of all that her personality#she’s mean a bully even but is deeply insecure#not only that but she’s actually lowkey very sweet and cares about folks#like Michael would relate to her#It’s not even he finds her attractive or anything like that it’s purely she’s badass and related to her#Michael and Cassie number 1 Roxy fans out here#Also Vanessa might not be as much of a fan#but its because she works with them all the time BAHA#THE Glamrocks are canon divas#the 80s punk kid in Michael just took hold Roxy is simply cool to em
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you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.
but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.
i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.
so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.
you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."
i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"
"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.
i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.
and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.
you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."
"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."
you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.
i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"
"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."
"do i die?"
you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."
"oh."
"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."
i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.
i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.
"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."
i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.
you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."
"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.
you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."
"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.
i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."
you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."
"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."
"you could always die, to be fair."
i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"
"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."
i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."
"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."
i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"
"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."
i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push my heel into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"
i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.
"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."
you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.
you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.
i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.
#warm up#prose#i just realized that there's a horror film in there about being someone NOT in a loop.#if i wanted to make it longer i'd have them come back like SUPER battered and hellish.#on round like 999#like halfway through lunch like - YOU . I LOVE U . IM SORRY . I RUINED IT BC I LOVE U CANT U SEE THAT#but like. yeah man what happens when someone else in control of ur destiny#what happens to all the versions of u that DO die...#i also wanted a pre-redemption time looper - this person#(who in my brain is they/them)#is absolutelyyyyyy toying with the narrator bc the time looper is caught up in like#an emo angsty '' i can't have what i want bc i ruin things'' self harm spiral#and like literally the way out of that spiral is to TRY bud.#but this is a person pre-redemption. still kind of an ass. still not really listening to her#still a little bit ignoring that they kissed someone 3 days ago#still KNOWS she likes them and DOES like her back. but is just too chickenshit still.#we're talkin that person we've ALL dated that's like ''i can't be with u anymore bc i am Too Broken and I Can't Stand Hurting U"#... i imagine they grow up tho. eventually.
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been going a little bit insane about this sentence from Ace by Angela Chen for the past week
#replace this with any other type of significant relationship too#also! this book actually rules btw i really recommend it#i didnt read it when it first cane out bc i was like. well i am already pretty familiar with asexuality and not rly interested in 101 stuff#but it turns out it doesnt feel 101-y at all its a super awesome piece of queer theory and also chen has Good opinions#and not weird watered down ones that i am sometimes wary of in aspec communities (frankly especially ace ones)#i think maybe if more people approached asexuality the way chen does (including and maybe even especially ace people)#i would be more inclined to still ID as ace#but anyways!#aro#aromantic#<- tag selections that reflect how i personally engage with this quote#also#described in alt text#also also#j tag#:/#aro media
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Edit since a lot of people seem confused - your "real" name is the name that you want to be referred to in real life. It doesn't have to be your legal name. So if you're trans and you have a different name to whats on your birth certificate, even if not many people call you by the name, it still counts as your real name.
Edit 2 : Holy shit guys please stop reblogging this post my poor inbox im getting like 20 notifs an hour asjfhkajshdkh /lh /srs
#FUN FACT : charlie isnt my real name :]#i decided to go with the name charlie because i didnt wanna use my real name and i like the name charlie#my parents were gonna call me charlie when i was born but didnt in the end#i dont really know why i dont just tell you lot my real name because its a super common name#another thing that using a diff name online has caused is me seeing “charlie” almost as a different person#theres “[wearegonnapretendiputmyrealnamehere]” and then theres “Charlie” and they are two different people in my mind#idk aksjffhkajsshdka#anyways this is the second poll ive made today what is my deal with polls#i should make a seperate poll tag for all my fucking polls that i make#I MAKE A LOT#ill tag all my polls when i think of a good name lol#anyways woah i got a bit rambly there#did i make a whole ass poll just because i thought you might find it interesting that my real name wasnt charlie?#yes. yes i did.#(DO NOT take this as me not wanting you lot to call me charlie i would prefer you use that name over anything else lol)#polls#tumblr polls#random polls
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i am so in love w life right now. i wake up super early & i do pilates. i love to hear the chirping of birds in my quiet house on a sunday morning and i play jazz records and silently make myself coffee and enjoy it with a poem. i am developing a habit of eating fruit everyday and i take long walks in the evening and i love watching people do their thing. i visit the beach atleast three times a week, i love the sea and feeling the gentle breeze of the wind on my face. spending my time at beautiful coffee shops and bookstores. i study on my living room floor and actually love that. i read every night before i go to sleep & listen to music while watching the hills illuminated by lights. my friends come over every friday and we cook dinner together and have a little dinner party, i drink wine in the bath, i buy myself flowers and take myself out for dinners. i actually feel good & fulfilled w my life <3
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There is such thing as 'dire machine' which I found out a whiiiile back and I love the concept so this is Sniper's Campervan. Her name is probably just Camper or Cameron.
inspired by the great 'dire machine' artist ratbat (18+ content on her blog be warned!!)
#tf2 campervan#tf2 sniper#tf2#team fortress 2#tf2 spy#< ig he is there but getting strangled#campervan#sniper's campervan#living machine#dire machine#myart#i rly love that artist's art and not for the robo jazzling (purely read for the plot person here).. like i genuinely love the art#i actually had a lot of fun drawing this car.. first super real fun when drawing in years wow
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i feel like my brain has been hardwired to view other people as competition instead of possible friends and that’s just bs
#*personal#like SUPER PERSONAL#i'm just a really lonely (silly little) person#i'm convinced other people never like me as i am#because when they like me as a friend they like me because i'm funny*#*as in not a serious person. just some guy to bring comedy#or someone to do something for you instead of an actual friend#i'm just there. i'm a side-character and i don't have any actual friends#mostly because of my feelings and because i screw it up#i think that since nobody will see me as i am then i won't let them see me#and the cycle repeats#i've always felt like an extra in all of the friendship groups i've been in#everyone else is important. everyone else gets to have something but in the end...#what do i have but myself?#i'm all i have...#well#the point was that i can't imagine others wanting to be friends with me#because i've tried to make friends before#all of them leave or stop talking to me#i know it's wrong#there must be someone out there willing to actually listen to me#there must be someone out there actually willing to be my friend and look at me#i try so hard to be friendly and approachable and i just feel like a clown#people point and laugh and use me for entertainment/services until they've had enough of me and then they stop talking to me#i know i should try harder to maintain these few friendships i have but why try hard when none of my 'friends' ever tries hard for me??#wow super deep but anyways i will keep trying to make friends
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Messy Trixie Charleston dance roughs.
#wip#trixie lulamoon#mlp#my art#personal#animation#the grand galloping 20s#tulli and i were talking about stella and trixie's first story together#and how trixie would be a FANTASTIC dancer. just super charismatic and energetic. while stella's boring ho hum.#we were imagining an adaptation of “road to friendship” but as a dixieland number like princess and the frog's “when i'm human”#trixie singing about how she wants to live a carefree and hedonistic life. money! fame! girls!#anyways i roughed this out. i might work on it some more
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Hi it's just to let you know that the official romanization of Revaan's name is Raverne ! Also they have romanized Baul's name to Baur !
Twst coming back at us again with the least expected romanization! thank you everybody (oh god my inbox) (no it's great, I literally asked for this and the reactions have been INCREDIBLE, thank you all!)
I do like Raverne though, I think it's got a nice fancy sound to it! (I had kinda suspected it was going to be an R instead of an L, so the fact that it's SO close to Laverne except for that is hilarious to me personally.) and Dragoneye Duke is honestly probably the best translation for his title, I wasn't envying the localizers that one. :') Baur instead of Baul I was NOT expecting, but in retrospect I think his name's supposed to be a reference to the Bauru crocodile, so that actually makes way more sense!
someone else also said Meleanor has become Maleanor, which is the REALLY weird one to me, because I was so surprised it was written as Mel instead of Mal in the first place?! oh god no I can't decide which one I like better. 😭 (I wonder if they might change it to Mal...they have made romanization changes before) (like I remember House of Distraction being corrected to House of Destruction in Playful Land) (I did check and she's still Mel for now, but I dunno, they might Mal her up and some point and save me from having to make a decision about which one to use) (HECK I CAN'T DECIDE)
uhhhh thank you for letting me ramble about anime names, let's just say MONOGRAMMED SWEATERS FOR EVERYONE
#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 part 4 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 part 4 spoilers#mel is so cute but mal fits with the rest of the draconias better#eng version no you were supposed to save me not make things MORE confusing#anyway raverne huh#that uh. that sure feels like it's supposed to evoke raven doesn't it.#what does it mean WHAT DOES IT MEAN#hold on i'm going to flail around embarrassingly about anime character theories now#(okay first a disclaimer: i do think we need to sit down as a fandom at some point)#(and have a discussion about exactly what is actual canon versus meta speculation versus jokes)#(because i think there has been. some confusion. over that re:crowley and raverne specifically)#(but i do feel justified in being like THEY ARE PROBABLY CONNECTED SOMEHOW RIGHT?! right now)#like i really don't think it's as simple as crowley being raverne but with memory loss or something#(and if they pull that on us i'm going to need an EXTREMELY good explanation to go with it to justify that)#they've gone out of their way several times now to make a point about them acting and sounding different and it feels very intentional to m#(and once again: i super 100% absolutely do not believe that lilia wouldn't recognize him with the top half of his face covered)#i just think the contradictions are a lot stronger than the connections right now but there ARE some connections and i'm 👀ing at them#to be fair the connections are mostly meta like crowley being diablo/raverne being evocative of raven#also the general 'raverne mysteriously disappeared and apparently had distinctive eyes' thing#versus 'crowley's past is unknown and he never shows his eyes'#(i will argue that crowley DOES seem to have some kind of canon connection to briar valley)#(since he is clearly some sort of fae and the masks are a briar valley thing)#and that is kinda it right now isn't it#okay hold on i had to delete some tags because i used too many (thanks tumblr for letting me know and not just vanishing them OH WAIT)#so tl;dr: i'm in the 'crowley is connected to raverne somehow but it's more complicated than just him being in disguise' camp personally#but that will probably change as we get more info and also don't take this as an anti-speculation thing because i love theories HOORAY
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