#like she has recurring nightmares most nights etc. i do have a lot of bad dreams but idk if i would call them nightmares

[toastsnaffler]

slept in until 10am I haven't been able to do this in over a month 😭

[astaroth1357]

How Often They Worry about MC…

For those who don’t know, I have a little dog named Charlie and she is a large portion of my world. There's no need to be alarmed, my dog is fine, but there are days where I hold her and all I can think about is how much I worry about her health down the line… I suppose we often do that for the people we love, particularly the ones who may not last as long as we will. Take that as inspiration if you'd like.

Lucifer 

Near constantly. 

If you tracked his blood pressure on a grid, you'd see it start to continuously rise about when he decided they were worth having in his life.

Lucifer is the eldest sibling to a whole crew of brothers so he's no stranger to worry. He worried about his brothers when they were young, he worried about them after the Fall, and he still worries about them now (even if he's less open about it).

But a part of him knows that his brothers can handle their own, at least to varying degrees. The MC, though? He's far less sure…

They've proven rather resilient, but also headstrong and reckless. Neither of which are good things to be in a place this dangerous...

If Lucifer isn't careful, he can catch himself staring at a wall or window just wondering where they are and if they're doing alright… If he called them every time he had a passing worry, their inbox would be full by the end each week.

He holds himself back because he doesn't have the time to constantly protect them, but that doesn't stop him from sending a text once or twice a day. They better respond or he'll start (secretly) panicking.

Mammon

He forgets their mortality from time to time, but every time he remembers it hits like a ton of bricks…

Mammon is a pretty "in-the-moment" person. He doesn't spend a lot of time dwelling on the future, but whenever he does the thought of losing MC always comes back to him again and again.

Like. It's gotta happen eventually, right? They're human, humans die, hell they don't even live that long to start with!

The MC can always tell when Mammon's getting worried because he'll get uncharacteristically quiet and pace around or hover by them…

Every little injury or strenuous task will suddenly seem like too much to him as well. 

If they need to carry some boxes, he'll carry them all.

If they have to jog to class, he's carrying them. 

If they so much as get a papercut, he'll have a heart attack.

It's not very hard to get Mammon out of these funks - he really does want them to reassure him that they're okay - but he's never going to get fully over it…

Not until he can steal whatever top secret immortality formula Solomon must have used anyway… He'll get it off that bastard eventually.

Leviathan

Thinks about it so often he has to actively try not to just to get any peace…

He dodges his fears for MC like a protagonist dodges lasting consequences. Every time he feels one creeping up, he's always got a distraction waiting…

"Hey where's MC at? I hope they didn't fall into the riv-OH HEY CHECK OUT THIS NEW GAME!!"

"What are they doing over there…? That looks hard, what if they bre-WAIT DIDN'T MY FAVORITE VOICE ACTOR JUST RELEASE A NEW PODCAST???"

"What if the MC dies tomorrow and they leave me all alo-DEVIL FIGHT 200! YOU CAN'T BEAT DEVIL FIGHT 200, LET’S BREAK MY HIGH SCORE!!"

Cut him some slack, his psyche cannot handle the idea of losing them on top of everything else he grapples with every day.

If, on the rare occasion, he does let himself fall down that rabbit hole he becomes extra clingy and practically begs MC not to leave his room… like ever. He'd bubble wrap them if he could.

Anytime they get really hurt or really sick he refuses to leave their side even if it means he has to awkwardly sit on the floor. He just needs to be able to glance at them every so often to be sure they're alive… Still breathing?? Phew…

Satan

He worries, preps, rationalizes, then worries again…

For Satan, knowledge is power and every scrap of information he can learn about MC is more power he can use to keep them safe and healthy.

Yes, he will want their medical history. Yes, he's going to need a list of prescriptions. Family members too. And no, you do not get a choice.

He'll read up on as many things as he can - pawn medical journals off of witches and get magical alternatives from Solomon.

The cycle usually goes: 

1. He's lying awake at night because he just heard about some terrible bacteria that makes human's skin peel off or something.

2. He does all the research he can on this bacteria, its treatment options, best prevention methods, etc.

3. Gets right about to break out the rubber booties for MC to wear around, then realizes they have a very slim chance of catching said bacteria since it's only native to incredibly remote parts of Indonesia.

4. Feels instant relief that MC will probably not catch flesh-eating bacteria and can finally sleep again…

5. Hears of some other human medical horror from Solomon and starts to worry…

It's a vicious cycle indeed… But at least he's getting a lot of medical training. Soon enough he'll be the Devildom's version of a human vet (which I guess is just a doctor, come to think of it. 🤔)

Asmodeus 

Lives so "here-and-now" that he doesn't remember often, but when he does it's always heartbreaking…

Asmo usually tries to worry about things as little as possible. It’s bad for the skin, you know? But when the MC is involved, all of that goes out the window.

Like how a delicate blossom eventually wilts in the snow, the MC is bound to leave them in time… Usually there's supposed to be something beautiful in that kind of tragedy, but perhaps he's just too close to them to find any romance in it.

The thought of their death gives him breakouts and anytime they get hurt or sick he's the first brother to offer them comfort. Every time.

Because he doesn't feel like he's as physically strong as he brothers, he tries to make up for it by minding their health in other ways. Anything to keep his MC strong and beautiful as always!

If Asmo is in a worrying mood, then he may also compensate by trying to take the MC out to a party or some fun event. Why sit around worrying by himself when he could be making memories with them now, right?

Beelzebub

It comes in waves, mostly at night.

When your thoughts throughout the day are mostly, "I wish I wasn't so hungry," it doesn't afford you a lot of time to think about much else.

In a way, it's a good thing since he experiences a lot less stress. But those worries are still there and they mostly plague his dreams…

Beel doesn’t feel hungry when he's sleeping, so a lot of his fears will make themselves known overnight. An injured or dying MC is often in his rotation of nightmares though, of course, he'd rather it not be…

After having one of these dreams, his first instinct is to always make sure the MC is okay. If they're with him, he'll hug them and check their heartbeat. If they're somewhere else, he'll go to them or shoot a text.

He has woken up without realizing his nightmare was all a dream though, and usually it's up to Belphie or MC themselves to console him while he cries… It's so heartbreaking, sweet boy just puts a lot of pressure on himself to be sure they're safe…

When he worries, it's like they're the most beautiful and expensive China set in a room full of bulls and hammers. If he could tape them to his side, he probably would. He gets scared for them that much…

Belphegor 

More scared about it than anyone else in the House.

Despite his calm demeanor, Belphie is truly afraid of losing his loved ones beneath the surface… He's already lost one of his most dear siblings before, going through that again may just break him.

Unfortunately, he's also felt just how fragile the MC is firsthand... He's not even the strongest of his brothers, yet he was able to snuff them out so easily… Who's to say someone else won't try?

Like Beel, MC's death is a recurring nightmare for him but he can usually shake off his dreams fairly well, if not change them mid-sleep. More scary is when something is actually wrong with them or they're not feeling well.

Belphie always sets his inner laziness aside for the MC when he can. If they get sick, he'll usually be right along with his family to take care of them - even if he has to skip school to do so (not that he cares about class anyway).

When he's worrying about them, he tries to play it off at first, but soon enough they'll notice him acting overly concerned and losing sleep… Best to calm him down before he starts getting cranky.

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

🕯Anon said: just wanna say I adore your writing and how you write Reiner and the kids and the other warriors is my favourite thing ever !! I just wanna give them all hugs :) do u have any hcs for the types of jobs you see them all doing in modernverse ?🕯

The types of jobs they have in modern au

{Annie, Bertolt, Colt, Marcel, Pieck, Porco, Reiner, Zeke, }

{Implied Reiner x reader}

{ "Porto" 1935 by Renato Natali 1883-1979 }

Annie is an Animal rescue worker.

Having had experience as a dog trainer before, it wasn't hard to find a full time job at her local shelter after graduating high school, having volunteered there before.

With time, effort and a lot of energy she made her way into the position of "animal control officer" now she spends her days busting animal's abusers doors and rescuing injured or neglected pets.

With long shifts and a high maintenance job, her time was all poured into her work. Usually she'd be exhausted after a long day.

Despite that, she's fulfilled and satisfied with her job. Not having to deal with a lot of people is a plus too, it's a hard job yes but she prefers it this way.

Her friends are bumped about not being able to see her a lot but they understand, plus she keeps in touch with them by lurking in the group chat only to send a snarky remark to stir the pot every now and then.

Bertolt sees her everyday because they work at the same animal shelter, even if their jobs are different they still walk home together, she also met some different people like Hitch and Marco at her job.

The kids love her job, they think it's badass, especially Gabi and Udo. Gabi because Annie gets to kick people in the face and Udo because he genuinely cares about animals.

She'd never tell anyone this, but part of the reason she wanted the job was because she felt guilty for her past self and wanted to fight for those who couldn't fight for themselves.

Bertolt is a veterinarian.

Having changed his mind post graduation and going to college instead of with Reiner, he graduated after 4 years of studying and is currently working with Annie at the local shelter while also planning to open his own clinic one day.

He takes some animals under his personal care for weeks or months even till they get adopted, he fears something bad will happen to the weak or ill ones if left at the shelter overnight.

Just like Annie, the job takes a lot of his time, not to mention caring for animals off of work. So he's in the same situation as her, but for the sake of his best friend he still finds time to visit and hang out once a week.

Reiner and him still text daily, it's mostly pictures Bertolt took of the animals, Annie on her break, interesting plants he finds along the way. And Reiner replies with pictures of the kids.

They still find time to play basketball together, they try to keep it a secret from Annie because she will kick their ass in it.

Bertolt is comfortable with his job, he feels like he belongs and likes being needed. Yes the long hours are a con but seeing the fruits of his labour grow and get better day by day makes it all worth it.

The kids like visiting his house because there usually will be a new dog or some animal in there every month or so, Reiner makes sure they don't bother the animals. 

Something he's never told anyone is a big part of the reason he changed his mind last minute was because Animals feel much safer and secure for him to work with than humans.

Colt is a college student working part time.

He's majoring in nursing, being a four years degree he's trying to balance his studies with work and taking care of Falco.

Zeke offered him to work full time after graduation at his clinic, since he's been working part time there for a while and the pay is good, plus it's really convenientnal.

He has worked different part time jobs in the past like a barista, flower shop assistant, tutor, kindergarten teacher, etc.

Between all his responsibilities he barely has time for himself, his courses end right before his work starts and the small bits in-between is spent on Falco and his friends. Zeke and Pieck try to take some of his responsibility but he refuses saying it's the least he could do to Falco.

He's really good at his job like multitasking, reading people, gaining their trust and having high stamina that he could stay for night shifts even.

He relies on coffee a lot.

Falco sees him as a real life superhero, they weren't that close before but after the incident he really started appreciating his big brother. 

Something he keeps inside is that despite pursuing this job because he genuinely wanted to make a difference in people's lives and help the sick, he also felt a crushing guilt after his parents passed away, and so he's trying to save other people's lives now instead.

Marcel is a pilot.

It's a dream he always had since middle school, soon after graduation he joined the military to gain enough flying hours and experience to apply to a commercial airline after taking some mathematics, aviation and some general flying courses.

He was officially hired as a pilot after getting his first class medical certificate to check his health.

His work isn't measured by hours to him but by days, he needs to be available 24/7 in case of an emergency call. Now he's working overseas and far away from his friends.

You've actually never met Marcel, only seen pictures of him and received letters. The person he keeps in touch with the most is Porco.

He likes his work, it's his dream. He doesn't like the work hours and being so absent from his friends and brother, he misses them so much at times.

Pieck is a tattoo artist.

Her shop is actually her old flower shop after she decided to change her career. She's always been good with plants and taking care of them, at that time Colt worked as her assistant. 

It wasn't till later after some years of practice and training under other artists that she was confident enough about her skills to start the project 

Her art is full of life, mesmerising and beautiful. She puts her soul in every piece and has gained a good reputation because of it, plus having really high ratings and strict hygiene rules, no health inspector could ever challenge her.

Having her own independent work meant that she has a very flexible schedule, being mostly free ment she could pursue other hobbies like gardening.

A peaceful and simple life where she can indulge in her art and be happy is all she ever wanted

Porco is a frequent customer of hers that gets a family discount, Zeke came once before and later sent his friend, a really tall and blonde woman who became her most frequent customer.

Zofia thinks her work is really cool and wants to go and just watch her do her thing, but it's frowned upon to have a kid just sitting at a tattoo shop.

Despite changing into this career, the town people still think of her as the sweet flower shop lady.

Porco is a bartender.

That job came to him by accident more than anything, he was working part time as a bouncer in a local bar but a slot was open after the old bartender suddenly quit and he gave it a chance.

He didn't expect to love it so much, neither did he know about his hidden talent in mixing drinks. So he took it as full time and changed to better bars after gaining the experience he needed.

Being naturally charismatic and good at influencing people, while also multitasking in making drinks and keeping a conversation going, he was instantly a hit in whatever place he worked at.

Working the night shift ment he's mostly free in the morning, he tries to help Pieck with her gardening and is actually attempting to grow some plants at his house.

Naturally whenever there's a gathering, he's the one mixing drinks and being the self assigned bartender who openly judges his friends for their choice in drinks. The charismatic persona being thrown out the window and replaced by a no mouth filter.

He genuinely cares tho, he's the one taking care of someone when they drink more they can handle. It's mostly Colt who underestimates his drinks and is left clinging to Porco who drives him home.

Because of his line of work, tattoos and general brash personality, the kids' parents don't like him even one bit. They're suspicious of him no matter how many times Reiner assures them he's trustworthy.

It's actually only Colt who trusts Falco with him, and maybe Zofia's mom who is at the bar every weekend. 

Reiner is a firefighter.

With his mother pushing him into this line of work, he applied for the physical and psychological exams after graduation before getting accepted. He wasn't unprepared per say but actually being in that line of work was more than he could ever prepare for.

It instantly took a great hit at his mental health, so much in fact that he was thankful Bertolt changed his mind last minute and didn't follow him in this job.

It was both everything he ever wanted, like saving people, helping children, animals and knowing it's him who saved them even if it means putting his own life at risk.

But also everything he hated, like the hunting faces and screams of the people who were far too gone for him to save, the recurring nightmares and constant guilt paired with imposter syndrome.

He works a 24/72 shift, meaning he works for a whole day before getting 3 days off. Approximately only working 7-8 days a month, not to mention unpaid leave, sick days and holidays.

So it both gave him a really tight schedule on some days and on others more free time than he knows what to do with, that's why he naturally took the main role of being the kid's caretaker. Looking after his little cousins genuinely helped him and he liked playing the big brother role.

Especially to Gabi, he was the only stable adult in her life. It's common knowledge that you call Reiner first for anything concerning her before her parents because he's more likely to answer and be available.

After meeting you, his life improved to the better as you moved in and became a trustworthy person in his life, someone he can depend on to take care of his little cousins on the days he works.

Not to mention that after you persuaded him to see a therapist, his mental health began improving too.

Gabi may or may have not committed arson at one point, she still wants to be a firefighter despite that and follow in Reiner's footsteps.

He hasn't told anyone beside you this, but he really fears for her, but doesn't have the heart to tell her no.

Zeke is a doctor.

Previously he worked in a hospital but was able to open his own clinic afterwards, Colt was a great help to him at that time when he was getting on his own feet and even worked a lot of unpaid hours.

After that he insisted Colt works an official part time job there with a much higher pay, till he graduates at least. Plus the experience will greatly improve his resume.

Zeke is brilliant at his job, he'd be a perfect doctor wasn't it for the fact he's a huge hypocrite who doesn't follow the advice he gives his patients. 

He does a side job in his free time that honestly no one of his friends know what it is, but they know it gained him a lot of connections and made new friends.

Something he always keeps buried inside was that he really never expected himself to become a doctor especially after what his dad did to his mother, and yet here he is. In some way it's like his own personal stepping stone to prove he's a better man than his father ever was.

Bonus:

Falco: middle schooler

He does volunteer work on the weekends, sometimes Udo joins him.

Doesn't want Gabi becoming a firefighter.

Likes all videogames , just all types.

Likes watching cartoons and medical shows with Colt who covers Falco eyes whenever an adult scene is on

His favourite food is chicken nuggets

Wants to try coffee

Is good at PE

Reads comic books

Likes yellow and blue

Gabi: middle schooler

Takes self defence classes and really wants to go to summer camp

Wants to be like Reiner, aspires to be as strong too.

Likes shooter videogames or really hard ones.

Likes watching Anime and cartoons

Her favourite food is Pizza

Wants to try energy drinks

Is also really good at PE and surprisingly good at puzzles.

Likes red and pink 

Udo: middle schooler

Takes music classes at the weekend, wants to go to science camp

Kinda wants to be like Reiner or an astronaut.

Likes calming videogames

Likes watching anime and Minecraft let's play

His favourite food is mac and cheese 

His favourite drink is strawberry milk

Is good at language classes and creative writing, he also just likes animals a lot.

Likes green and black

Zofia: middle schooler (could've been in a special program)

Takes music classes with Udo

Wants to be a lawyer

Likes co-op Videogames 

Likes watching true crime and youtubers drama

Her favourite food is Donuts

She likes strawberry milk and ice tea 

Is good at all classes

Likes white and purple

[sunshinepixels]

all of them for adri because i love her (*^ω^*)

I consider it bullying that you asked me for all of them... but I’ll let it slide this time sksksks thank you for asking me fr fr tho  (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) this is late as heck but im the worst with answering asks even if i begged for them fdkhkd

1. Do they laugh at their own jokes?

Yes and the thing is she’s not that funny but thinks she’s hilarious

2. What does their laugh sound like?

I think her laugh is loud and comes from her core

3. What does their voice sound like?

She has a sweet voice that's relatively high.

4. What side of the bed do they sleep on?

All of it. If someone else is on the bed... no they’re not. It’s her bed.

5. Are they a light sleeper?

She wasn’t originally but ever since Avery she is, any sound on the baby monitor makes her jump up

6. Do they have any frequent / recurring dreams?

No but a lot of her nightmares take place in her middle school

7. Do they sleep with their socks on?

She’s not a freak so no kdksdjsdjk

8. Are they a morning or a night person?

Morning

9. What do they do to relax?

When she needs to relax she likes spend time with her friends, just talk and indulge in their presence while doing anything. It’s relaxing for her to be around the people she loves. She used to curl up on her grandparents laps to relax and they’d tell her stories from their childhood but uh... not anymore

10. Are they very highly strung?

Not too much, their are certain things she’s sensitive about but most things she’s chill about

11. Are they easy going?

Yup, she is pretty easy going and easy to get along with

12. What are they like when they’re angry?

Impulsive af and very childish not gonna lie. She’ll mostly ignore you because that’s what she learned from emulating her grandmother.

13. How often do they shower?

Every day lol

14. How organized are they?

Not at all, she’s a wreck

15. Do they keep track of their calendar?

She tries... it doesn’t always work

16. Do they have a diary or a journal?

No but she could really benefit from

17. Are they on any medication?

She’s on vyvanse but that’s it

18. Do they suffer from any illnesses?

Nope

19. Do they get sick easily?

Nope

20. Would it take much to knock them out?

Nope lol

21. Do they have a high pain tolerance?

No, she’s broken enough bones now that she’s grown tough skin

22. What’s the quickest way to upset them?

Implying that she’s not a good christian girl probably

23. What is the thing that makes them most uncomfortable?

Talking about things like sex out loud bc she thinks it’s very taboo

24. How do they act when they’re upset?

It depends. If she’s sad, she’ll cry and seek out the people she loves. If she’s mad she is a little more impulsive with her actions and often does thing she regrets later.

25. How does your character cry?

If she’s crying you know she’s crying a lot. Never just one tear its always waterworks, runny nose, sobs, the whole meal lol

26. Is your oc happy with their life?

Everything is going wrong right now so she’s having a hard time being happy. She tries though.

27. Will they have a happy ending?

umm.... NO, why would i let her be happy?

28. What would they change about their life?

She would change the way her grandparents see her

29. Do they have a comfort food?

Flan or cake.

30. Do they drink alcohol?

She did like twice, but she doesn’t plan on continuing.

31. What are they like when they’re drunk?

She’s even more affectionate and impulsive than when she’s sober

32. What are their eating habits like?

I think she eats either super healthy or eats only trash there’s no in between. She has a complicated relationship with food and body image so usually she tries to eat as healthy as she can as well as keeping “bad” food to a minimum. But when she’s having a rough time she tends to fall back into her old eating habits where all she wants is junk food.

33. If left to their own devices would they forget to eat / shower etc. ?

No she’s pretty good at taking care of herself uwu she might forget to take her medicine though

34. How would they spend their day if left alone with no responsibilities?

I think if she was alone with no responsibilities she’d take a long nap first and foremost. Then she would do play video games or shop or catch up on her fave TV shows

35. How do they generally have their hair?

She usually wears her hair straightened because she’s very used to it since her grandmother couldn’t deal with her curly hair growing up.

36. How do they usually dress?

Very girly, soft, and modest. She likes dresses and skirts and blouses. She’s not that big on jeans anymore.

37. Do they have a signature look?

Her signature is a dress. She loves dresses. Not only that but she typically wears small heels too.

38. Do they have any odd personality traits?

I don't think so lol

39. What’s the weirdest habit they have?

I don't think she has any

40. Have they ever been involved in a scandal?

Nope :>

41. Have they ever committed a crime?

underage drinking she regrets it but that's about it

42. Would they hurt the few to save the many?

I think that she would just die herself lol she would not want to make tht kind of decision

43. What could be generally associated with them?

Princesses, butterflies, pink, anything that seems cutesy

44. Have they got any close friends?

She has a few, she’s very friendly so it’s not hard for her to make friends. Her closest friends are Kit and Damien.

45. Do they like public displays of affection?

Yesss !!! She will hug her s/o in public and kiss them (but only chastely and with plenty of room for Jesus skskssk !!!!)

46. Would they ever like to get married?

If you asked her a year ago she would be hesitant, but today she would say yes at a drop of a hot... only if it was to Atlas though.

47. What is their ‘type’?

Assholes When it comes to looks she falls for the tall, dark, and handsome type. She is pretty open to looks as long as she thinks they’re attractive and if they have a nice smile. Personality wise she likes men who are kind (ironic considering the man she was in love with the longest), confident, and funny.

48. Have they ever been in a serious relationship?

Only one !! With Atlas. He was her first boyfriend ever and the father of her children. Currently, they’re engaged.

49. How easily do they get attached to things?

Very easily !!! Everything she has is sentimental basically

50. What is the thing that would hurt the most if they lost it?

She already lost the love and respect of her grandmother and it was the one thing she knew would hurt the most. It hurts even worse than she expected it to. But now, she’s very scared of completely losing her babies or her relationship with her fiancee.

[i-do-trash-fanfictions]

Answering Questions #1

@escapetoluna who made these questions.

1. Do they laugh at their own jokes? Thera finds herself laughing at her own jokes all the time. Scout will usually roll his eyes at her because the joke wouldn’t even be that funny.

2. What does their laugh sound like? It’s a bright sound and a bit higher pitched than her usual sound of voice.

3. What does their voice sound like? I always say that it’s not high pitched or low pitched either. It’s near the middle, going a bit towards the high pitched side.

4. What side of the bed do they sleep on? The right side. It’s always the right side.

5. Are they a light sleeper? Most of the time yes. You know she’s really tired if she doesn’t wake up to something.

6. Do they have any frequent / recurring dreams? She has frequent nightmares about losing ones she loves. She’s had one really bad one about Scout, a few about her Ann (who is like a younger sister to her), and a few about losing the Last City when the Cabal attacked. The most recurring ones are ones where she relives the deaths of Sora, Zane-2, and Cayde-6.

7. Do they sleep with their socks on? She does not. She only does when she’s really cold.

8. Are they a morning or a night person? Thera is a night person, definitely. She loathes mornings, but she loves the night. It’s just so calming and quiet at that time.

9. What do they do to relax? She’ll usually listen to music (still 70′s, 80′s, and 90′s stuff but it won’t be AC/DC or any music like that), or she’ll read.

10. Are they very highly strung? Not really. She can get pretty angry at times, but she’s good at hiding it.

11. Are they easy going? She used to be but now she’s cautious most of the time with everything that’s going on. 

12. What are they like when they're angry? If Thera’s really angry she’ll yell very loud, and say a lot of things she doesn’t mean if she’s angry at a person. Then she’ll usually go stalk off for a few hours and come back later to apologize for the outburst.

13. How often do they shower? She tries to shower every day. Thera gets really dirty at the end of the day from going on missions.

14. How organised are they? Thera isn’t the most organised when it comes to keeping track of time. She’s been late to many meetings before because she’ll lose track of time. But when it comes to being organised in her room, stuff is decently organised. Some drawers and shelves may be cluttered and her closet may be too, but for the most part she knows where everything is.

15. Do they keep track of their calendar? No. She doesn’t even have one.

16. Do they have a diary or a journal? Yep. She uses the many journals that Sora had and never wrote in.

17. Are they on any medication? No. 

18. Do they suffer from any illnesses? Nothing besides PTSD.

19. Do they get sick easily? Nope.

20. Would it take much to knock them out? It would take a very heavy blow to know her out.

21. Do they have a high pain tolerance? She has a very high pain tolerance. I believe that all Guardians do.

22. What's the quickest way to upset them? To say something bad about Sora, Zane, or even worse, Cayde.

23. What is the thing that makes them most uncomfortable? 

24. How do they act when they're upset? Thera likes to be alone in her room or a secluded area when she’s upset. There she will talk to her Ghost, Scout, and eventually he will cheer her up.

25. How does your character cry? Yes, but not in public. She didn’t even cry at Cayde’s funeral. Only in private did she let the tears fall.

26. Is your oc happy with their life? Thera thinks that there could be a lot of things that could go better. And with so much happening at once, she’s very stressed. But she’s happy because she still has the Light, she still has Ann, she has Crow, and she still has countless allies and other friends.

27. Will they have a happy ending? Well, I make up her lifestory as I go along. So maybe she will. Or maybe she won’t.

28. What would they change about their life? She wishes that Sora and Zane were still alive. That would be the one thing she would change.

29. Do they have a comfort food? Anything chocolate. Hot chocolate, milk chocolate bar, chocolate cake, brownies, ect.

30. Do they drink alcohol? Yes. Not a normal everyday thing, but when she’s at parties or it’s a special occasion.

31. What are they like when they're drunk? Lots of slurred words. And with luck you’ll get a good story out of her that she usually doesn’t tell about.

32. What are their eating habits like? Thera tries to have at least one big meal a day, and that’s usually at supper. Because she’s on missions most of the day, she’ll forget to make herself something.

33. If left to their own devices would they forget to eat / shower etc. ? Maybe she would forget to eat, but she wouldn’t forget to shower.

34. How would they spend their day if left alone with no responsibilities? She would go somewhere nice and calm. Probably near an ocean. She would spend her time thinking and talking with her Ghost, Scout, and probably writing in her journal as well.

35. How do they generally have their hair? It’s cut to her shoulders and on the left side it is tucked behind her ear.

36. How do they usually dress? For her armor, something that has more fabric instead of metal, or at least an equal amount, with a flashy cape and a nice looking helmet. For casual, it’s usually a dark pair of pants with a single colored shirt with a leather jacket and boots.

37. Do they have a signature look? Right now, she can be found wearing *I forgot the name of the universal ornament and I don’t know if I’ll remember to put it here or not*

38. Do they have any odd personality traits? Not really odd, but unexpected. A lot of people think she has a serious attitude, you know, with her being the Young Wolf and all. But actually she isn’t serious at all, only at certain times. She’s the life of the party and is always taking risks (sometimes to get glimmer from a bet).

39. What's the weirdest habit they have? She doesn’t really have any really weird habits. But she does bite at her nails if she’s really nervous.

40. Have they ever been involved in a scandal? Perhaps.

41. Have they ever committed a crime? Yeah. Not like a big one or anything though.

42. Would they hurt the few to save the many? Not if they’re innocent no.

43. What could be generally associated with them? The hunter sigil I guess? I’m not really sure what would be associated with them.

44. Have they got any close friends? Ann.

45. Do they like public displays of affection? Not really. She’s fine with it if her boyfriend wants to show it, but she won’t show it back if she’s with a lot of people. At least not yet.

46. Would they ever like to get married? As long as they are the right one for her and she knows for sure that they are.

47. What is their 'type'? Someone who treats her and those around them respectfully. Someone who will show her love and will cheer her up when she’s down. Thera isn’t a person to care about looks.

48. Have they ever been in a serious relationship? I would say that the relationship Thera is in right now is getting serious. 

49. How easily do they get attached to things? Not really things, but people. She can easily get attached to certain people.

50. What is the thing that would hurt the most if they lost it? If she lost Crow, Ann, or anyone else she was close to. But I think losing her Ghost Scout who has been with her since the beginning would hurt the most.

[wombathos]

1.10 nightmares

- if the early btvs formula is taking a normal teenage fear and finding a supernatural metaphor for it, this episode is the equivalent of taking out the middle man and skipping right to the making your fears real bit. admire the efficiency

- kinda want to look at every single dream that buffy has over the course of this show, with their various levels of prophetic-ality, and track how they and in conjunction buffy herself change over the course of the show. there’s that moment in the very first episode where giles goes “it’s not like you’ve been having.......... the nightmares” and obvs buffy’s intro is right after a dream sequence but post-s1 iirc when there are dreams they’re less directly prophetic and more loosely metaphorical. even the fairly on the nose dream in hush doesn’t actually feature the gentlemen, e.g. and then a lot of the ones with actual foreshadowing are like... supernatural dream states where it’s fair game, like the linked buffy/faith coma dream in graduation day and, of course, restless). definitely nothing as clear cut as buffy seeing moments of the finale in the opener, anyway

- the episode about nightmares kicks off with buffy talking to her mother about her father because the real nightmare is deadbeat dads *badum tish*

- anyway it is one more for the Intergenerational Encounters™️ tally and s1′s thing about how we relate to authority figures (badly, mostly)

- there’s a nice range in the nightmares being depicted, even though for the most part it’s pretty standard fare. we get a mini-subversion for spiders, but then we also get ‘didn’t study for test’, ‘enter class naked’, ‘performance in front of large crowd’, ‘murder clown’, ‘buried alive’, ‘giant wasps’.... you know, normal stuff. some of the more off-beat stuff is the giles nightmare of ‘getting lost in the stacks’ (giles no offence but the library really isn’t big enough for that) and ‘not being able to read’ (which reminds me of something blue and how things go awry when giles can’t be research guy), which maybe plays to s1 giles being enough of a one-note character that we can easily recognise those as his nightmares (similar to willow’s stage fright). likewise for cordelia who gets ‘bad hair day’ and ‘getting dragged off to chess club’ which... well, beyond being a cheap gag, I guess we do dig into her unexpectedly complicated relationship with popularity next episode. chess club being the fear that she might end up losing that popularity and with it a cornerstone of her identity etc etc

- dream-hank be like

- anyway the cruelty of that scene with her father is still... ouch. there’s this progression in horribleness in the conversation, where it goes from confirming the fear that buffy and willow’s episode earlier in the episode alluded to: that buffy was responsible for splitting her parents up, so a pretty classic fear for children of divorces. then it’s heightened in a very nightmarish fashion in how her father goes on and on about just how disappointing she is, which is extreme and out-of-the-blue enough to play into the surrealism of the episode as a whole. but for me the real emotional sucker punch that they get right is with “I don’t think it’s very mature getting all blubbery when I’m just trying to be honest”. it just... idk that dynamic of shifting the blame to the kid for making this difficult, the condescension of it all, it just gets it right

- xander: “probably be faster if we split up to look for her” giles: “good idea” willow: “faster but.. not really safer” - good on willow to not suddenly forget how to survive in a horror film

- in terms of the dream logicality at play, restless has this one beat in sheer bizarreness, but I do like how not only do their senses of direction slowly collapse into dream logic (like when buffy says she thought the library would be here) and particularly how the different sunnydale locales seem to collapse in on each other, especially in that moment where buffy steps through a hedge and is suddenly in a graveyard at night

- so when I said that most of the dreams were pretty standard fare, I did forget that the harbinger for the clown sequence is far-right iconography which... along with that reference to snyder as the ‘führer’ courtesy of giles last episode, and then the episode before that where a student was baffled by an evil robot-altered paper praising nazi germany.... what’s up with that? is this normal for american tv shows of the time or

- nice how btvs has both respect enough for the classics to include the obligatory killer clown and willingness enough to grow beyond the classics that we leave behind the killer clown in s1

- billy’s role in this episode is mostly ‘he’s there’, but I do appreciate the opportunity for buffy’s skill with kids to get an early look-in. it’s one of her character traits that is very important to me

- “I am free because you fear it” eyyyy, also relevant to prophecy girl when she at last faces her fear and masters it

- the scene with giles looking down at her grave always gets me, not least because it’ll eventually come true

- obviously buffy gets a protagonist bonus in number of nightmares, but (beyond the troubling implications of just how many recurring nightmares she has) I do appreciate the variety. it’s very buffy to have the bog standard ‘didn’t know about a test’ (I still get that one) to the normal-but-unpleasant ‘father doesn’t want to see me’ to the terrifying-but-not-too-unusual ‘buried alive’ to the sunnydale special of ‘becoming a vampire’

- not to harp on about the obvious but the abusive coach does constitute another terrible authority figure

- big episode for giles as a surrogate father, huh. and supplanting hank in that role. they make a big thing of introducing giles to him, then hank immediately abandons her while giles stands by her grave speaking to his duty of care (“I failed in my duty to protect you”). also, he says “forgive me” - the exact opposite of her (dream) father shifting blame to her and instead actually taking responsibility. valid

[qhostqizmo]

Questionnaire - Essie

I got bored and filled this out

- - - - - - - - - -

1) Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

No; Essätha is the eldest of four, and does not know her other siblings. The closest sibling in age range to her is in their early twenties, about a decade’s age gap. The closest sibling-like relations she has is with a Tiefling she grew up with back home, who is roughly 5(?) or more years older than her.

2) What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

Hepsiba was supermom and idol to Essie. Essie adored, and still adores, her mom. Hepsiba displayed a constant generous, open-minded, warm attitude that helped to shape a lot of Essie’s values. They got along wonderfully, and even as a youngster Ess’ showed a lot of respect and willingness to listen to her mothers words of wisdom.

3) What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

The same as it was as a child as it is now: nonexistent. In Essätha’s heart however, there is a lot of bitterness towards a man who left her and her ailing mother behind, also leaving her to learn little to nothing about him save through stories.

4) Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

Oh, plenty. The treatment of her and others like her (Solace, her mother, non-humans automatically defined as ‘evil’ races), the death of her mother, deaths in general (sometimes that she blames on herself), so on. I’m sure some party members have a vague understanding her distance and seclusion is branched off of bad treatment due to her race, for instance. Some folks; like Sol and Kraw, could probably identify quite a few of Essie’s ‘flaws’ and where they steam from. Amon is beginning to learn more and more about some of her ‘quirks’ too.

5) On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

Lint, spare coins not put in her coin purse, a Green Bean, maybe something sharp and pointy that could be used for lock-picking or stabbing someone’s hand lol. Spare hair ribbon probably too.

6) Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

👀

7) Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

Huehuehue… Pre-campaign I think Ess’ had more dreams centered around the loss of her mom and people hunting her and/or attacking her, belittling her, blaming her for all the wrong in the world. Some were personal, based off people she ‘failed’, killed, or feel she killed/wronged. Now I’m sure when she has a night terror it’s probably geared more towards the Raven Lord, Alexis’ and the wolves, the assassins breaking in, seeing her party members hurt/troubled, seeing the hurt and fear in Amon’s gaze, seeing him jailed, imagining all the things that could go wrong and losing m’lord… >:3c You know. Normal Nightmare Stuff nothing to be Concerned about.

8) Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

I’m going to change ‘gun’ to ‘bow’ becuz fantasy. Ess’ is trained in both a regular bow and a crossbow. Her first ever bow-related target outside of hitting a fucking tree was killing a deer, per Kraw’s orders. Lots of tears shed over the damn deer. Lots of tearshed over learning to hunt in general rip my baby.

9) Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

Pretty much the same. Money is probably more readily available in Essätha’s life. Pre-campaign likely because of the occasional pick-pocketing. Now becuz she gets paid for kicking butt. Keep it up girl.

10) Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

Situational based. Weirdly the less you know her, the more exposed Ess’ is willing to be, because, hey, when are you going to see her again? She might be nervous or edgy in crowds but otherwise w/e man. A lil more skin sometimes gets the gurl you know what I’m sayin’…. The more acquainted she is with someone, the more she fears ridicule, staring, judgment, and the more she wants to hide herself. Give her lots of time to gain confidence, and build trust, and she’d probably be okay being naked around you… so long as you aren’t obviously oogling her. Unless you’ve ahem, earned that level of faith from her where she wants your eyes on her.

11) In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

I would say there’s four instances that stand out the most. One, the first night alone as a toddler after her mother passed away. Two, her first murder, in which she thought she was going to die therefore killed in self-defense. Three, learning that the Raven Lord is probably some kind of god or demi-god being seeing how they killed the Master Arcanist. And four… ‘Not him. You can’t take him.’ …Use your imagination.

12) In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

As a babe, listening to mom sing her to sleep… and at night, in Amon’s arms, when all hope feels lost and then they snuggle up and it just… it’s okay. They can deal with it tomorrow, one step at a time.

13) Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

No. She’s a lady of course not asdjgakl -

14) Does your character remember names or faces easier?

I’m gonna say faces, she seems more ‘creative inclined’ than ‘analytic inclined’.

15) Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

Yes! But less so then she thinks. Due to a life of lacking these things, Essätha thinks owning lots of fancy, expensive things will fill a void inside her. She also believes having money and a big house will give her a sign she’s ‘made it’; that she’s secure, that she’s above what everyone says about her… At the same time, fearing it, because of the additional ridicule it may bring (“ah, a Yuan-Ti Pureblood with riches and power?? Must be after Something.”)

16) Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

Happiness. It’s quite literally her dream. Sadly as stated above, she grew up thinking happiness was linked to the things you own but mm… she may be learning differently…

17) What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

Mr. Hiss!! It was a homemade stuffed snake toy; couldn’t be more than a couple inches made of spare materials her mom had, and button eyes. She played with that thing till it was limp of stuffing, soiled, and raggedy but sadly a bratty kid tossed it into the town’s river so… no more Mr. Hiss. :( She’d have kept that toy all her life otherwise because it was so precious to her.

18) Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

Ambition. Because you can be ambitious to do a lot of things; become wiser, become stronger, become kinder. Being wise is cool, but having the drive to become more is sexy.

19) What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

I’d say an inability to trust or commit. In terms of romantic relationships, she’s never held a significant one; mostly one-night stands or brief flings for a while before moving on; never wanted anything more than that. In terms of making friends, oh yeah. Being unwilling to open up or fully engage herself into the relationship has made people weary of her, her motives, and in turn close off from her. If you’re too scared to meet others half-way, eventually they give up on you.

20) In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

In every way; looks, intelligence, status, etc. Mostly she does this as a way to degrade herself. ‘Oh she’s beautiful, and no awkward scaly patches’. ‘I shouldn’t have bothered speaking up, they clearly knows more on this subject.’ ‘Whoop look at the poor girl in rags compared to these guys Yikes-’. When she’s feeling Snobby and Righteous she might do it for the sake of validating her stance; such as being Right and making someone look stupid so she can gloat and grin smugly at them. More often then not though, she compares herself to make herself feel Worse.

21) If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

Essätha is the Absol pokemon. If bad things occur, it is she who brought the rain, the drought, the heartache, the doubt, the misery. She’s a magnet for bad things and bad omens. It’s somehow her fault; something she said, or did, or a past mistake came back to haunt her and she screwed up, again.

22) What does your character like in other people?

Ooof, lol, well kind, gentle souls. People who have the ability to grow. Natural nurturers. Those who can be strong for others. Those strong in general; solid, comforting, in the ways that matter. Non-prejudice. Physically she’s got varied tastes; from thick and juicy to lean and swift.

23) What does your character dislike in other people?

Cruelty, judgment, those who take advantage of others, aka ugly on the inside. Physically she’s not into unhygienic individuals, doesn’t typically go for super scrawny or so many muscles they look like they’re in a constant flex.

24) How quick is your character to trust someone else?

To put it simply, given the chance, no one in the Hand of Jubata/Noisy Bastards would have found out she’s a Yuan-Ti until a super-necessary moment; or years later, if ever. She’s always hesitant to put trust into others. But she wants to believe the best outta people so if it comes down to basic trust and not trusting someone with secrets about her, she might be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt (unless she gets a Bad Insight off them).

25) How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

Pre-campaign she was just edgy and distrustful. Now during campaign, anyone could be part of those Whispered Shadow cult, so she suspects 50% of this continent at least is out to murder them. If she’s close with the individual, she’s more likely to deny it depending on likability-level. For example, if we found out Barnabus was part of this deranged group, she’d outright be like, “this information is false that sweet man??? I do not think so. You are Wrong.”

26) How does your character behave around children?

Essie loves kids. How she acts depends on their personality; she’s always careful, and soft, and endearing but if they’re shy, she understands they might want more space. If they’re eager and active, she’s even more bubbly and willing to play with them. Mom Genes(TM).

27) How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

Time to talk her way out of this shit and either help this person learn to amend their lives or talk them down. If you’re clearly a bad person, or she can’t change you’re mind, she’s willing to whoop your ass. Rather avoid it if possible though unless you’re a truly bad person.

28) How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

*gestures @ the campaign* dis bitch has tried or talked the group out of so many fights so??? Pretty slow.

29) What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

I don’t think Essie had a ‘dream job’; she probably just wanted stability, some place to call her own, happiness, simplicity, life to be ‘normal’. That dream... really has not been achieved.

30) What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

Lack of hygiene. Certain foods probs like liver and onions. Rotted corpses obviously. Chewing with mouth open. Idk, things normally others find gross?

31) Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

She’s laying in a large, soft bed with oversized pillows and a dense, warm comforter draped over her. There’s arms wrapped around her. The blanket smells familiar; like leather and pine and a hint of rosewater. She wiggles around in the sheets; can feel another body shift as well to get in a better spot. There’s warm breath on the back of her neck, and a solid shape to her back keeping her warm. It’s safe here. Goosebumps race up her arms. She thinks she’ll take a nap. She can feel the calluses on fingers tracing over the back of her hand, then her palm, until they find the spaces between her own. It’s amazing how beautiful and calm the world can be. Time seems to stop here. Everything will be okay.

32) Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

She is herself but not herself. She can pick up more acutely the ever; the scents, the vibrations in the air, it’s more intense. She can taste the fear in the air; the hate, the disgust. Her movements are jerky; slithering, the scales on her body a different texture moving over dirt and grass. They are judging her. They are sickened. She can see the look in their eyes, and she is exposed. She is a disgusting creature. The only thing to belittle herself more is to change back; naked, small. They know. They all know. She can’t imagine the way he’s looking at her; too scared to check and see. He would never look at her the same.

33) In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

I feel it really depends on what she’s being criticized for. I want to say in most cases she’s probably embarrassed and/or humiliated, but willing to listen. She may openly self-deprecate and still request they express how she can do better. I feel she mostly gets defensive around people she doesn’t respect and whose criticism then wouldn’t matter; or around topics she feels she knows more about (or definitely knows more about) and she’s offended they suggest she does not.

34) Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

If there’s no ‘time crunch’, she may try the same method a second time before moving on to a different tactic. If it’s a panicked or life-risked situation, and the first method doesn’t work, immediately move on to idea two.

35) How does your character behave around people they like?

Bubbly, excitable, warm and affectionate. She can be stubborn and grumpy still, but for the most part she tends to wear her heart more openly and be more wild and teasing.

36) How does your character behave around people they dislike?

Closed up, silent-treatment, narrowed eyes, huffy, clipped phrases, crude, hissy. Typically she’s a bit bitchy and waiting for an out to get away from you.

37) Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

Considering she has little status at the moment, probably her honor.

38) Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

Essätha removes problems/threats… even if that problem/threat is herself.

39) Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

This is such a were-creature questions HEH uhh, I would not doubt Essie has been bitten by an animal before. Largely she probably forgives the critter and its species. It’s probably her own fault she got bitten after all and she realizes that.

40) How does your character treat people in service jobs?

Respect! If she sees you treatin’ a service job employee like trash you’re garbage to her. Those are hard working people trying to make a living whomst the fuck are you?

41) Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

Pardon my hyena laughter but, Essätha doesn’t feel like she deserves much of anything. She certainly hasn’t earned to have what she wants. Maybe in time she’ll grow up a bit and learn it’s okay to have things; material or abstract, without feeling guilty or burdened. I’m sure at that time she’d feel she must earn it first.

42) Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

*stares @ Kraw, Abernathy, Barnabus, etc* She seems to pick up plenty of Those.

43) Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

Mmm, I’m sure she’s temporarily looked after a younger person or taught someone here or there, yeah. Not for a significant span of time (not to say she probably hasn’t left a positive impact on others that haven’t forgotten her though).

44) How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

Oh ho ho ho~ I don’t think Ess’ has said that phrase to more than two people her whole life. It’s definitely not something she could say without meaning to. I can imagine her trying to say it to persuade someone to do something she wants but she just stands there, tongue-tied, unable to do so. It’s just three words, but it’s three very powerful words that can do a lot of good or evil. She wouldn’t want to abuse them or, make people lose faith in them (likeshehascoughs). She doesn’t want people to conceive her as a liar for misusing it before. She wants to be able to say it with heart, conviction, and certainty to someone she truly cares for… if she could ever work up the courage to do so.

45) What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

I’ll admit: the afterlife isn’t probably something Essie thinks of often. I’d have to say believes in a heavenly ream, and hopes it will welcome her. I do believe she’s scared though because of her race, or any blemishes in her life she’s caused, that she fears she’s already got a one way ticket to hell.

[mittensmorgul]

not a strictly spn question, but, as someone who wants to start writing, how the ever-loving fuck do you pump out so many fics so fast?? i’ve been working on outlining the same three stories for like a year (not really) ((but kinda))

Hi there, and congrats on that much outlining! I… don’t outline that much, ever, for anything. But I also don’t think I crank out fics all that fast. It might seem that way sometimes, but the Pinefest fic I posted in February has actually been drafted (and through several rounds of editing) since last August. I only just posted it for Pinefest. So it might seem there was only a month and a half between me writing that and the thing I posted last night, I’ve actually been working on THAT since January… three and a half months for 30k isn’t very fast. :P

I’m putting this under a cut because it’s kinda long, and possibly boring or irrelevant in the big scheme of things…

(I once wrote a 105k word original novel in 15 days, and a friend of mine wrote a 130k novel in just over three days on a deadline, but heck that is atypically fast… and nearly killed them… no really they developed shingles from the stress of it, do not recommend)

So I might be slightly biased here, but at some point you gotta stop outlining and start writing. That’s the secret. You can’t crank out stories unless you actually start writing them.

That said, when I say I don’t outline, I mean I have notes for fic that range from this, for my 8k short:

*soulmate situation described here: http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/173681098950/i-saw-a-writing-prompt-that-went-like-this-you Officially written and posted on 11/14/18 as Lost Time.

that’s just a link to a post that inspired the thing, to this, for a 65k fic: 

*NAILED IT! How could I fanfic my way through this baking show? or maybe I should just… write fanfic of this… (notes document: Cakepocalypse notes) (in process as of 4/1/18 as a potential dcbb as Cakepocalypse) (posted 6/23/18)https://archiveofourown.org/works/15017792

(sorry, I removed the link to my notes doc, but what I am willing to show of that:

wherein a lot of those 15 pages consists of images of the cakes in each challenge for my own personal reference while writing.)

Basically the ONLY two fics I’ve ever written an outline for structurally required it:

Cakepocalypse and Around the World in 24 Days, both fics based off “reality show” formats– Cakepocalypse was basically Nailed It!, and AtWi24D is the Amazing Race (and over 101k, based on about 5k worth of very detailed notes I’d be happy to show you if you come off anon). There was no way I could keep track of that many “contestants” and all their challenges, travel, baking, guests, etc. without keeping these sorts of detailed notes.

My previous pinefest fic, Winchester 275, was a 57k AU based on a two sentence thing that had been sitting on my to be written list for YEARS:

*(writing for pinefest, working title of Winchester 275 as of 8/29/17, draft finished 11/29/17, posted 3/6/18 http://archiveofourown.org/works/13788693) astronomy night at a dude ranch in arizona, Cas brings the telescope, dean only sees the stars in his eyes oh god did i actually write that down? yes. yes i did.

And my first DCBB, Revenge of the Subtext, was 80k based on a one sentence prompt: http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/130269813965/meangreenlimabean-mittensmorgul.

So if your fic doesn’t NEED you to make such detailed notes, just start writing already. :D

When I first started writing (loooong before I ever started writing fic), some of my encouraging friends told me some interesting stories. We got to talking about how annoying it was that so many people respond to someone saying they write with, “Oh, I’ve been thinking about writing a novel for years,” or something else along those lines. My friend told me she knew a guy who had been outlining his novel for more than a decade, but never seemed to be able to get it quite right so that he felt he could start writing. With that sort of attitude, he probably never will, you know?

You will never have a “perfect” outline. Just like you’ll never have a “perfect first draft.” You have to have a draft to be able to edit it, you know? Can’t edit a blank page, and an outline can only take you so far before it becomes so fleshed out that it ceases to be an outline and looks more like a first draft.

So set a writing goal for yourself. Shoot for easy to start with, and then you can tweak the goal as you fall into the habit. Say, 200 words a day. Or 1000 words a week (because in all honesty you might miss a day here and there, and you shouldn’t get down on yourself for that, either). I personally shoot for 1000 words on days when I write, but I’ve been doing this for more than a decade now. I don’t always make it, but sometimes I double that, or quintuple it, or more. And I have scheduled days off (Supernatural nights when new episodes air, and usually the day after, and Monday night when I play pub trivia and it’s Mr. Mittens’ night off work). But outside of those days, barring extreme exhaustion or illness, I try to write at least 1000 words a night.

Being that I’m not an outliner, I feel I need to say that I always know the whole story before I start writing. It’s all up inside my head, running like a film that I “transcribe” into a fic. So even if I don’t have a written, bullet-pointed list of plot points and emotional beats, I do have the “finished product” looping through my head continuously until I transcribe it all. I know that’s not actually useful writing advice for most people, and I have no idea if this is how anyone else approaches writing, but it’s how it works for me. Minor details may only show up while I’m writing, but the whole story is already there.

This is why I never, ever post incomplete, wip fic. I am a compulsive editor, mostly because I don’t create detailed outlines before I start, and for the sake of continuity, editing is my friend. Can’t go back to insert a reference into chapter 3 that will become important by chapter 14 if you posted chapter 3 half a year ago, you know? Your readers are not gonna go back and reread your updates when you remember that Important Detail never actually made it onto the page in the exact way you needed it to way back when. :P

Now, an outliner MAY have picked that detail up and inserted it before they ever started writing, but one thing folks might not understand until they actually start writing: Actually writing the thing out, making it flesh and letting it breathe, will inherently change your two-dimensional outline. I’m not saying that your plot will derail itself, but only once you begin bringing the story to life, begin living on the page through the characters, will you begin to feel them as living beings, and can really begin to understand them and make them feel real to readers. No outline can do this, and will always fall short of feeling “good enough” for this reason.

(sorry, a lot of how I feel about writing sounds slightly unhinged when I try to talk about it, so please remember that the first original novel I wrote was based on a recurring nightmare I had after a psychotic break, which I literally wrote as therapy to banish the Bad Thoughts. Yes, it worked. Yes, that’s why I still write this way more than a decade later.)

But this is where you’ll begin to fill in the “gaps” inherent in any outline. Personality quirks, inside jokes between characters, feeling their feelings and translating that to the page. But also picking up all the dangling threads like repeating themes and emotional triggers.

I think I’ve gone way far off the path here…

Basically, pick one of your outlines. Decide you’re gonna start writing it. Then start writing it. It’s that simple, and that seemingly impossible. Write one sentence. Then write another. Then write lots more.

Good luck! I know it’s terrifying. I’m terrified every time I pick a new fic idea to write and stare at that blank document. But I stare it down, give a hearty pterodactyl screech, and dive bomb the keyboard. It’s really the only way to do it.

It’s worked pretty well for me so far. :P

[master-sass-blast]

Alright. @mooleche​ done did throw the gauntlet down.

And, because I am an Aries and THIS IS MY SEASON, I can’t not answer.

So, here is OC stuff list one for Miss Dakota Contreras.

She’s beauty, she’s grace, and she will KICK YOUR ASS.

*cracks knuckles* Alright. Les do this.

[Incoming trigger warnings for: mentions of rape, kidnapping, death, parental abuse, and running away. She had a rough go of it as a kid.]

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?: Dakota does come from a decently sized family, but she isn’t particularly close with any of them. The only exception is her elder sister, Maria, whom she occasionally meets up with for a cup of coffee.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?: Largely estranged. Dakota ran away to her grandmother’s home as a young teen after an extremely traumatic incident (which I will explain more in the next question’s answer) and after her mother (and her father) made minimal effort to see if she was alright, she decided they weren’t worth her time and wrote them off.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?: Extremely estranged. (Traumatic incident explanation coming in, includes trigger warnings for rape, kidnapping, running away, death, and parental abuse.) So, when Dakota was thirteen, she was kidnapped by her eldest brother’s friends and, unfortunately, raped by several of them. After managing to kill one of them in self-defense, she escaped and ran back home, only to be rebuffed by her father. He refused to believe her, then went as far as to blame her for the incident. Subsequently, Dakota ran away the next night to her grandmother’s home. Since she was the “rebel” child, her parents decided to wash their hands of her and just send the rest of her stuff to her grandmother’s place. Dakota hasn’t spoken to her father since.

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?: Seeing the body of the guy she killed (in self-defense) after she was raped definitely changed her on a deep level. It subdued the wilder parts of her personality, caused her to largely shut herself off from the world and everyone in it. Her grandmother knows, as does her sister Maria, and Frank (Castle, yes, she’s paired up with him, and yes, I have a problem shut up), and that’s about it. Technically, her parents know as well, but she doesn’t count them since they abandoned her when she needed them most.

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?: Cellphone, earbuds, loose change that she keeps forgetting to put in a jar, little pack of Kleenexes.

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?: She’ll dream that she’s back in her old room or back on her grandmother’s farm, but that’s about it as far as “recurring” goes.

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?: Obviously, a lot of the night she was raped and forced to kill to defend herself, but she also dreams about being locked in the house she grew up in and being unable to escape.

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?: Yes. She helped hunt when she lived on her grandmother’s farm. The first targets were old cans or paper targets, to make sure she could actually hit something. After that, it was mostly rabbits or deer.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?: Yes, very. She didn’t grow up super poor, but money was definitely tight growing up. Now, as a professional MMA fighter, she makes a lot more money than she ever had growing up.

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?: She genuinely doesn’t care one way or another. She has to wear a sports bra style top and a pair of shorts in a ring, with cameras pointed at her, so she really isn’t fazed by being seen in more or less. As long as she’s comfortable, she’s good.

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?: The grand, obvious answer is the night she was raped, but it’s true. She was scared out of her mind, and there’s nothing she’s faced since that’ll scare her more.

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?: Arguably, the moment she caught Frank Castle snooping around in her apartment. She already knew his reputation --and that she didn’t have anything going on that would put her on his ‘bad’ list--so there wasn’t really anything to be scared of, in her mind.

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?: Nope. MMA fighter. Blood kinda comes with the territory.

Does your character remember names or faces easier?: Names. She sees a lot of faces, but she’s learned from experience that forgetting the wrong names can spell t-r-o-u-b-l-e, so she made a point to make sure she remembered names not matter what.

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?: Nope. She thinks there’s security in living within one’s means --and, since she lives on her own and mostly avoids the “party life,” there isn’t much she needs.

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?: Neither. Neither’s going to get you anywhere if you don’t have the drive to do anything with them.

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?: Her eldest brother’s “legit” punching bag. Her love for fighting started young.

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?: Ambition. Wisdom is something that’ll come with time, but not everyone has ambition.

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?: She tends to keep her private life very secret, which can make her a difficult person to get to know --and be hard on the partner in question, since she’ll run the end of keeping them completely secret from her fans and the news. Her schedule requirements --training, traveling for fights, etc--can be hard to deal with, as well. So far, that’s been the biggest bone of contention in her previous relationships.

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?: She genuinely doesn’t. As far as she’s concerned, it doesn’t matter who she sizes up against if she can’t fill her own shoes.

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?: She’s... quick to go and put on her gloves so she can maul her punching bag for a bit to sweat her anger out. After that? She’s usually got a pretty level look at things --but, she is a little faster to blame others. After being blamed for her own kidnapping and rape by her parents/father, she’s wary of taking shit that isn’t hers to own.

What does your character like in other people?: Ambition, sense of humor, grit, willingness to stand up for others.

What does your character dislike in other people?: Cowardice, close-mindedness, arrogance, judgmental behavior.

How quick is your character to trust someone else?: Like, with super personal stuff? Dakota’s the opposite of quick. She’s a tortoise. She’s a sloth. She’s a fucking snail. She’d rather do a day full of interviews than open up quickly. Stuff that she classifies as basic (are you gonna be a decent fucking human being sorta shit) depends entirely on the person’s reputation. She’s usually pretty reserved, but if she knows someone’s worth their word (or, case in point, she knows the Punisher is going to be a rapist, which is the only reason she doesn’t whack him over the head with a bat when he breaks into her apartment) or if someone’s in with someone she trusts, she’ll roll with them. The two exceptions to this all being: 1.) if she knows she’s really helping someone by opening up (like talking about her experiences as a bisexual woman of color helps other members in the queer community) or 2.) if she’s working with kids. Dakota’s a firm believer that if you’re an asshole to kids, you deserve whatever shit comes your way.

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?: Despite the fact that she trusts at the speed of a glacier, she’s not overtly paranoid. If she sees something suspect, she files it away and sits back to watch and see what comes of it (if something’s a big red flag, she’ll make more drastic moves, though). Chances are, if she knows someone, she’s already figured them out well enough to know what she ought to worry about and not, so yeah.

How does your character behave around children?: She treats them with the utmost respect. Eye contact, clean language, encouragement and praise, thoughtful answers, happy smiles, the whole nine yards.

How does your character normally deal with confrontation?: Depends on the situation. Normal stuff (or, later, “Frank stuff”) gets handled with a calm voice and a cool head because, to her, it’s not worth freaking out about because freaking out won’t change anything. If it relates to her parents? She’ll dodge it to the end of time. She wants nothing to do with them. Ever. If someone’s being an asshole (ie someone’s saying something homophobic or a someone’s beating up on their date)? You can meet her the fucking pit. Right now, actually. Oh, you weren’t ready? Too bad.

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?: If it’s something that can be talked about, not very. If it’s on her “meet you in the pit list” there is only one stop, and it is violence.

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?: Dakota wanted to be a rockstar as a kid. So, no, that dream didn’t come true, but she’s not displeased with where she ended up, necessarily.

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?: Locker room talk and guys that don’t at least rinse off once they’re done working out.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.: Either in the ring, smashing someone’s lights out, or in her apartment, watching Netflix. No in between.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.: Specifically, when she has to do interviews or panel interviews. She doesn’t like being on the spot.

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?: Her job hinges on taking criticism and being willing to improve. You can’t be a top-slot MMA fighter and not take criticism.

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?: She’ll keep trying the first method a few times, but if it’s the method that’s ineffective, she’ll trade it out for something else.

How does your character behave around people they like?: She relaxes and actually gets more quiet. When she’s around people she likes, the persona she puts on during interviews completely goes out the window.

How does your character behave around people they dislike?: She usually pulls a full Bianca Del Rio. Nonstop reads/roasts, throwing shade left and right, usually doing whatever she can to make her feelings one hundred percent clear. If she’s really pissed at someone, though, she’ll glare them down and move past reading to just psychologically destroying them.

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?: Dakota’s pretty ambivalent about both. As far as she’s concerned, her reputation and actions speak for themselves.

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?: Depends entirely on the problem/threat. If it’s related to her family, she removes herself. If it’s anything else, she usually removes it or has it removed.

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?: Nope.

How does your character treat people in service jobs?: With the utmost respect, dammit. Best manners, eye contact, patience, good tips, the whole nine yards. People in service jobs are like kids; if you treat them like shit, you deserve whatever comes your way.

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?: Dakota’s all about earning it. A treat here and there is fine, but having everything handed to you on a platter just makes you lazy.

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?: Nope. The only person outside her parents who ever raised her was her grandmother --who is, obviously, related to her.

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?: Again, nope. Her job/life make that kind of impossible.

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?: Not hard, but she won’t say it if she doesn’t mean it.

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?: Dakota’s an agnostic, so she’s not entirely sure what’ll happen to her. She’s more worried about suffering in death than actually dying, though.

[purplesurveys]

440

Looks and Personality

What do you look like? I tick all the marks of a Filipina - kinda tiny, black eyes, morena, flat nose. I’m on the slender side, have thick, wavy hair that gets frizzy when it’s hot, and huge thighs when I sit down.

How often do you bathe? I don’t really have a constant schedule. I take a bath everyday when I have school; I could take a bath everyday especially during summer; but I can also opt to do it every other day when I feel lazy/when it’s colder.

How do you wear your hair? Down, low ponytail, high ponytail, or in a bun depending on what I’m wearing.

What colours do you tend to wear? Black, white, and any muted shade. I have very little color in my wardrobe.

Do you have any tattoos? What, where and why? Nope. I had always wanted to have a ton until I realized I was scared of needles.

What kind of clothes do you wear? My style is a mix of classy and trendy, so I’ll wear little black dresses with flats but I can also sometimes wear a simple top with culottes or long dresses paired with sneakers. Idk, depends on my mood for the day really.

What kind of jewelery do you wear? I’ve stopped wearing jewelry. The two necklaces Gab got me already broke and I haven’t had them replaced with any new ones. Not a fan of rings and I don’t really have bracelets.

Is there anything else you often wear? I’m not too picky with what I put on. My must-have is just a black hairtie on my wrist.

Would you say you had a “look”? Yeah I think so. I’ve molded my style to make it akin to Audrey Hepburn’s, who’s like my biggest idol eveeeeerrrrrrrrr.

When going out, do you dress up or down? Depends on what period of the sem I’m in. I’ll definitely dress up at the start because I want to look good in front of new profs and classmates lmao. But by the end of the sem when all the deadlines are piling up, I’ll go to class in the same shorts I wear at home, a hoodie with nothing inside, and NOT CARE.

What do you wear to bed at home? The thinnest clothes I could find, because it gets really hot. Tank top and shorts will do, but sometimes I’d opt for a tank top and just underwear.

What do you wear to bed when you’re somewhere else? I cover up of course. I’d switch up the tank for a t-shirt, but still keep the shorts.

Is there a place you keep any prized/secret things whilst you’re away? No. That place is my room already.

What’s your favourite food? Either pizza, curry, or sushi. I’m a sucker for all variations of the three.

What’s your favourite drink? Iced caramel macchiato is always so refreshing. OH and I FINALLY recently found out how I like my coffee! Hshssksh Kate poured me a cup of coffee last week and her mix was SO good omg it was 2 packets of cream, 1 packet of sugar, and it can take or leave milk. I’m so excited about this because I never learned how to make coffee that wasn’t just the instant one that does all the work for me. Now I finally feel like a grown-up hahahahaha

What’s your favourite dessert?  Chewy chocolate chip cookies, macarons, cheesecake, and souffles.

What’s your favourite type of food (e.g Mexican)? Indian and Korean. Japanese is a runner-up.

Do you have any mental problems? Yes. I don’t have the time, the money, and the courage to get myself checked and so I just try to get by and get better everyday.

Do you have any phobias? What? Why do you think you have this/them? Cockroaches, needles, and roller coasters. Cockroaches are fucking ugly and we had a lot of them (flying ones!) in our old house; needles are sharp and they hurt; and as for the last one, I generally get bad motion sickness but the whole phobia thing got worse when I had a particularly bad experience on a roller coaster in Singapore.

Why might somebody dislike you? I’m super nice but I’m not denying that I can snap whether it’s warranted or not. I come off a little strongly and it might rub people off the wrong way.

What skill do you possess that you are most proud of? Seeing things through. Like if I want something to work, I do it and I make it work. I hate failure and I like looking like I get a lot of work done.

What is your greatest strength (e.g. honest, loyal, brave)? Loyalty.

What’s your greatest shortcoming or flaw (e.g. cowardly, alcoholic)? My competitiveness can make me a coward. Like I will back out of things as soon as I can detect that I can possibly lose or fail.

Who do you most admire? I don’t really admire anyone.

Who do you most love? Animals.

What three things do you look for most in a partner? I don’t like boxing people into just three standards...I do take a liking to people who kind of stand out from the rest, are intelligent, and have the same stances as I do.

Do you like crowds? Depends on the type. I only like crowds I’m comfortable with, like a concert crowd.

What are your hobbies? Trying out new food.

If you can’t get to sleep in the middle of the night, what do you do? I’ll watch YouTube videos or scroll through Reddit. Knocks me out instantly.

What is your favourite animal? Dogs, cows, elephants, or pigs. Can’t really choose.

What is your favourite colour? Pink.

If you could ask God (to athiests - IF there was one) one question, what? Why’d they make the universe? What’s all of this for? Cheated for using two questions, but whatever.

Background

Where were you born and raised? I was born in Manila and raised in a city a little east of Manila.

Briefly describe your family. We’re five in the immediate family - my mom and dad have been married for 22 years and I have a younger sister and brother. I don’t talk to my brother anymore after an incident a few months ago; my sister and I are generally close. I have three grandparents that are still alive, but I’m generally closer to my grandma on my mom’s side since she lives nearer. I have 11 cousins but the number just gets so much bigger if you count second- and third-degree ones.

You must choose one - your childhood was calm/peaceful or tragic/turbulent? It was both, honestly. Since I lived with extended family growing up, I had relatives with drinking and violence problems on one side, but also relatives who strove to protect us from them and tried to give us a normal childhood. I can’t really pick one for you, because I experienced both.

Did you have any role models? I looked up to wrestlers from a very early age. Shawn Michaels and Lita were my childhood favorites.

What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? [Trigger warning: suicide] Attempting suicide multiple times, summer 2017.

How did it affect you? [Trigger warning: suicide] Profoundly. I wouldn’t have met my orgmates if I succeeded, because I only joined my college org after the attempts. At the time I did it, I had no friends in college so looking back on it can feel surreal. I also realized that I am scared of myself knowing that I’m capable of physically getting to that point.

Have you ever had any recurring nightmares or themes in nightmares? When my depression was a lot worse two years ago, I would always get dreams of either me or Gab dying. It was always either of us getting shot.

What were they? ^

Do you currently have a boyfriend/girlfriend? I do.

Do you have any close friends? Yes <3

Briefly describe your best friend: She studies architecture, has a mole on the left side of her face, has a classy sense of style, loves The Maine, has two shihtzus named Hailey and Kennedy (the latter after Kennedy Brock from The Maine), and is one of the most genuine, caring, and smartest people I know.

Any enemies? I don’t think so, unless people have a problem with me that they aren’t telling me.

Who? What are they like?

Would you risk your life for your best friend? (not lover or family member!) For Angela? Easily.

With who was your most important romantic relationship? Gabie.

Of what are you most proud? Going to school in UP.

Of what are you most ashamed? My home life. I’m an open book except for this aspect.

Alignment, Ethics and Religion

What is your religion? None. Atheist.

Where do you stand on abortion? Pro-choice. Ez.

Where do you stand on the death penalty? I’m against it mostly for the fact that execution is literally the easiest way out. For shitty people who have done shitty things, let them rot in prison until they die. For people who have done shitty things but want to be better, let them be better and give them a second chance.

Where do you stand on wearing fur? HATE IT. Wear faux fucking fur if you’re so adamant on wanting fur on your outfit.

Do you have a moral code that you follow? What? Don’t we all have our own compasses?

Could you kill somebody? If my loved ones are involved, absolutely.

For what reason would you kill somebody? If my loved ones are seriously harmed. For self-defense too.

Would you SERIOUSLY CONSIDER killing anybody right now? No, not right now.

Do you trust easily, or not? I trust in the first place; but I can easily take the trust away if it’s abused.

What are your political beliefs (anarchy, communism, democracy etc.)? I’m a social democrat. < God, I don’t really pay attention to labels lmao but this seems pretty accurate.

What, if anything, WOULD you sacrifice your life for? Gabie and/or her family. Way too important to me.

Would you ever, for any reason, abandon your friends in an hour of need? I don’t think I can.

Motivation

What are your dreams/ambitions/goals? Complete college, find a job that pays well, pay for a house, travel abroad, start a family.

How do you plan to reach them? Work my ass off I guess?

How would your ideal partner look? I already have one.

Do you ever want to have a family someday? With children? Yes. I’ll be crushed if I don’t get one.

Who would you want to start this family with, or do you not yet know? My girlfriend, ideally.

What would stop you from reaching your goals (e.g. death, retirement fund)? I’m very money-oriented, like I would rather earn a lot in an okay job than be in a job I’m super super super passionate about but has a lower pay, so I think anything with inadequate pay will definitely demotivate me.

What do you see yourself doing next year? This time next year I’m already polishing up my thesis. I’ll be graduating in a few weeks, and I would have already come out to my parents.

What do you see yourself doing in twenty years? Having a family and being at that point in life where I’m just accomplished. I’d want to be feeling that way by the time I’m 41.

Would you ever have an affair? NO.

Would you ever have a one night stand? Idk, not really for me.

What are your greatest fears? Being a failure.

More information

If you had a month of nothing (no work, no obligations) what would you do? Provided that money wasn’t an issue, I’d eat out. Always. I’d try out new restaurants and the quirkiest food out there.

How do you relax? Sleep, talk to my friends, watch YouTube videos, and, if I have time, take surveys.

What one thing would you change in this world (free Tibet, abolish Sweden)? Do something about pollution or climate change.

Would you ever choose a career or job where your life was at risk? You mean, a journalist? Hahahahaha hell no. But again, unless the job pays well, then no.

Why? In the case of being a journalist, it’s just not worth it to me...which is sad, because I used to be very passionate about becoming one. But when I realized the horrible reality of taking up such a career, it was very easy to turn away. I’ll always be sorry to my 13 year old self.

How would you like to be remembered after your death? Someone who went out of her way to look out for people, no matter the situation. As simple as that.

Random questions

Where you present at any major historical events (e.g. 9/11)? Nope.

How did they affect you?

Do you have any famous relatives? I have relatives in the local government, plus my maternal grandfather’s clan pretty much owns all of Mindoro Oriental so there’s that. I don’t have celebrity relatives though.

Do you have to try and live up to your family’s expectations? Of course.

Are you a loyal member of any organizations? Just the one I applied for in my university haha.

General Information

Name: Robyn.

Age: 21.

Date Of Birth: April 21st.

Race: Brown.

Height: 5′2″

Weight: Uh like 90 something lbs. Idk, it always fluctuates around the 90s.

Are you happy with this? I could gain more weight honestly. I’m a little underweight, and clothes I wanna wear sometimes don’t fit or suit me for being too thin.

Desired weight: A little over 100 would be healthier for me I think.

Sexual orientation: I don’t fucking know anymore lmao. I can be bisexual one day, pansexual the next, and demisexual the next. I don’t really answer when I’m asked this.

First language: Filipino. Second/Third/Fourth etc. languages (if any): English.

Why did you take this survey? I haven’t taken a survey in such a long time because I was swamped with work. Tonight is the first time in two weeks I had enough time to squeeze in a survey.

[feedmeramyun]

About Me Tag Game

Tagged by @sweet-teeth-mfs because she’s obsessed with me even though she knows all of these things about me...

How tall are you? 5′3, just. 

What color and style is your hair? Pixie cut, violet. But I’m growing it out for my (not so little anymore) sister’s wedding. 

What color are your eyes? Blue.

Do you wear glasses? Yes

Do you wear braces? I did!

What’s your fashion sense?

Very mood dependent. Often my style could be described as ‘overgrown toddler’: dungarees, Sanrio tshirts etc.

Full name?

[Redacted]

But you can call me Bee!

When were you born?

The year of our Lord, SHINee’s Onew. 

Where are you from and where do you live now?

England, and, still England.

What school do you go to?

I went to a University in the south of England for my undergrad, now I’m back up north for my PhD. 

What kind of student are you?

Now I’m a University tutor I realise I was both a pretty good and bad student. I wasn’t especially challenged in school as a kid which made me complacent, and then I got dragged over the coals as an undergraduate for not trying hard enough. 

Do you like school?

I love education. 

Favorite subject?

Literature, though I’m cross discipline with History and Cultural Studies. 

Favorite tv shows?

I watch a lot of TV: I watch TV while I clean, while I get ready in a morning, while I sew or craft. I like comedies like The Good Place and Parks and Rec, I used to watch a lot of anime (Sailor Moon, Escaflowne,Akatsuki no Yona and Noragami are some favourites) and I’m a huge KDrama addict. 

Favorite movie?

There’s is definitely no way I can pick a favourite movie, so lets just say Star Wars. 

Favorite book?

Again, how? But some I reread most often are Mervyn Peake’s Gormenghast series, Jane Austen’s Northanger Abbey and Garth Nix’s Abhorsen series. I’m trying to read more for fun outside of my PhD, so recently read Madeline Miller’s Circe and Naomi Novik’s Uprooted and enjoyed both. 

Favorite past time?

Video games. 

Do you have regrets?

Not especially. 

Dream job?

Professor.

Would you ever like to be married?

Sure. 

Would you like kids?

Eventually.

How many?

2

Do you like shopping?

Yes.

What countries have you visited?

France, Switzerland, Austria, Portugal, Spain, Italy, Croatia, Russia, Greece, Malta, South Africa, Mexico, US. 

Scariest nightmare you have ever had?

I have recurring nightmare about a disaster, invasion and the end of the world. It’s different every time, but always has the same base elements. It’s not so bad now I’m on meds, but I used to get night terrrors something chronic. 

Also for the longest time - since I was about 5, maybe? - I had this recurring dream about being in a shop with my cousin and Gran: my cousin and I would go upstairs, and when we came back down everyone (including our Gran) had turned into giant jelly babies (as in the sweet). We’d leave the shop and slowly everyone we came across would turn into a jelly baby. They’d still be going about walking and doing stuff, but they were jelly babies. It was SUPER weird and as I got older it got scarier. 

Any enemies?

On my part, no, but I’m sure I’ve pissed someone off enough to consider it. Not that I don’t hold a grudge if pushed. 

Any significant other? Yes. 

Do you believe in miracles?

Not exactly? I’ve had some really uncanny good luck, but I’ve also had some real fucking awfulness. 

How are you?

[frankensteined]

Pec: 9 10 12 13 16 39; Jules: 5 7 24 25 41 44.

PEC: 

9. Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

oh my god yes. now, he’s the thane of multiple cities across skyrim and he owns like five houses currently and he’s the arch-mage of the college o winterhold and he’s a member of the thieves guild and and and…!! 

when he was growing up he had very little that was just his, and now he’s got all of that and a family to boot. he’s doing very well for himself :’) 

10. Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

i’ve been keeping him in light armor/thieves guild armor, and before that i had him in robes for the early parts of his journey, so i think i’d say that he feels comfortable in less clothing in terms of armor, but he does like to be fully clothed as often as possible. he’s shy. 

12. In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

after he got married (he’s married now! to sylgja!) and adopted his son (he’s got a son now! named blaise!), and he was able to come to his home at winstad manor, after dealing with all the quests in solstheim. he was away from home for a very, very long time while he was over there, and he worried a lot about leaving his daughter, lucia, home alone, even if she had the dog, meeko, and the house steward, valdimar, there to keep her company. he decided that that meant that it was a good time to actually get married, and the first person who came to mind, as i slogged through all these quests, was sylgja, so i reasoned that that meant that she was the one he was really in love with. SO! i went to talk to her, and after being gone from skyrim for aaaaaages, the first thing she said to him was the standard “it’s a fine day with you around” greeting, but that was just the amount of kindness needed to make that choice the right one! and then, pec ended up upon the farm that blaise was working at one night, and saw the kid sleeping on the floor of the stables, and went “NOPE” and woke him up to adopt him right there.  

so, coming home to a full house after being away for so long, was a really nice, very peaceful feeling, especially after feeling out of place during pretty much the entire time away. 

if he could give valdimar a raise for taking care of lucia while he was away, pec would have done that already. but he’s gonna hire a pretty bard to play at the house and keep val company instead.

13. Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

nah, he’s an orc. blood doesn’t bother him unless it’s his and he’s seeing too much of it all at once. 

16. Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

happiness, in his heart. the success that he’s accumulating as he goes is consequential to this duty that he has to save the world….and once he does that, he gets to just settle and relax with his family. so he’s idealizing his future happiness for sure.

all the other orcs shake their heads at him for being a big dumb squishbaby   

39. Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

YES HE GETS BITTEN BY ANIMALS ALL THE TIME. he’ll just be walking along and then get absolutely mauled by skeevers/wolves/bears/giant spiders/sabrecats/fucking DRAGONS etc etc. 

at first it was really jarring and upsetting to him (and me, cuz i used to get startled by them), but by now he’s just gotten so used to it that it’s like this “*SIGH* okay, here we go again…” kind of reaction on his end. though, even with his “been there, done that” attitude, he still occasionally contracts diseases like ataxia and rockjoint, so he can never really shrug off the attacks, cuz he’ll need to pop by a shrine to get rid of them before everyone he talks to worries about him looking sick.   

JULES:

5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

her phone, her keys, her ID, a few folded up bills (all under $20), some loose change in her jean pockets (probably under $3), 3-5 forgotten hair elastics, and several receipts in the back pockets of her jeans that she meant to throw out but keeps forgetting about

and, if she’s lucky, a few hard candies or sticks of gum

it’s noteworthy that she doesn’t keep weapons in her pockets!  

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

mhm mhm she still has bad dreams about her sister dying, or, more generally, being in hospitals with no way of getting out (jules was ten when her sister got sick, and she literally got lost in the hospital a few times and it was all very traumatic and scary for her). hospitals are her big no-go zone and make her uncomfortable even when she’s awake, so in nightmares they become ten times worse. 

24. How quick is your character to trust someone else?

superficially, she’s pretty quick to trust, if only in the sense that she doesn’t just assume that anybody and everybody is out to get her, or that they even gaf about her. if someone isn’t acting shady, she’ll be fairly pleasant towards them. but in terms of Getting To Know Her, she’s a fair bit more guarded and rarely gives more than she needs to, so there’s definitely walls up as well. she keeps her personal life very separated from her professional life, so if someone tries to dip into one from the other she’ll hustle them back to where she thinks they belong pretty quickly. and once someone’s proven to be shady or unreliable she’ll close up on them almost immediately. i’ve compared her compartmentalizing to “stacking boxes on top of boxes” before, and that’s still really true. 

but, on the other hand, if someone does prove to be trustworthy, she kinda opens up really suddenly and eagerly, because she does want to have close bonds with people, it’s just that People Are Tough. this tends to happen accidentally, though. like, one day when she’s not paying attention, someone scurries into her heart and she’s like “crap. well. guess i care about you now! *protects with life*”  

sometimes those boxes fall over and the contents spills out and it’s hard to sort back to where they originally belonged, y’know? 

25. How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

this is definitely a follow up to that last part of my previous answer: it definitely changes if she’s close to someone acting shady. jules will absolutely not believe that someone she trusts has betrayed her until they have literally shot at her, and even then…y’know…sometimes that’s just what happens, y’know? no hard feelings when it’s for a good reason, right? 

for example: if, and this is not a scenario that’s ever happened, but, if it was revealed that there was a mole who was feeding information to the enemy, and someone suggested that it was newt because of a huge pile of pretty convincing looking evidence? she would still be like “nope. nope. it’s not him, you’re wrong.” and get very defensive, in part because her trust in someone really does just turn into deep faith in them as a person, but also because if someone she’s close to could break her trust, then anyone and everyone could (!!!) and she…doesn’t want to have to think about that. she isn’t equipped to handle that kind of thing. 

but, if it’s someone she doesn’t like, she’s almost gleeful if they get revealed to be suspicious. she feels vindicated and kind of smugly wants to go deal with them just for the satisfaction of feeling right not to trust them. she’d be a fun rival or nemesis just for that reason alone. 

41. Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

honestly, she doesn’t really know what she wants for herself. she devotes so much of her energy to just doing her job that if you were to ask her “what do you actually want, though?” she wouldn’t have an answer for you. and that’d make her feel really bad and uncomfortable and she’d get grumpy and leave.

BUT. she would definitely feel like she would need to earn anything good that was coming her way, regardless, lol. she’s very “oh, you don’t deserve bad things/you deserve better” to everyone else, but “not me tho lol” about herself. not even in a self-loathing way, either, she’s just bad at applying the things she says to herself, for better or worse.  

44. How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

i don’t think she’d say it if she didn’t mean it, unless it was a case where the person she was saying it to knew that it wasn’t for real (ie: if they were undercover or something). but she says it very easily to the people that she does love!! it isn’t easy for her to really reach that point with people, but jules is very all-in once she does care about others, so she has no hang ups about telling people that she loves them! she’s a tootsie-roll pop: hard outside shell, mushy sweet inside.  

character development questions meme!

[puckgoodfaggot]

9, 13, 27, 38, and 57 for smidgen and ránon :3

aaaahhhh thank you tess!!!! this is gonna be long bc i dont know how to shut up about my boys akjdglskd

9. Are there any foods that they really fucking hate?

Smidgen isn't really picky regarding taste/ingredients but I think on principal he hates Fancy Food that comes in tiny portions or isn't filling at all or is designed to do anything other than nourish a body and a soul. Like if something is made to suppress your appetite or help you lose weight or look better than it tastes, he'll strongarm his way into the kitchen and start baking honeycakes.

Ránon, on the other hand, is picky as hell. He really doesn't like asparagus or beets or most seafood. He loathes boiled vegetables because they should be roasted or cooked in butter or be literally anything other than plain boiled. There's also probably some internal conflict for him with like, poverty meals, because they hold an element of nostalgia from his childhood but in the same vein, they leave a bad taste in his mouth because they remind him of the struggles of his youth. Like, yes, he got to eat this with his family, but also his mother didn't eat that night and he noticed.

13. What’s a reoccurring dream/nightmare that they have, if any?

Smidgen dreams a lot of walking through the snow towards a golden light in the distance. Location and terrain may vary—maybe it's a snowy forest this time, maybe it's the family farm in winter, maybe it's the mountain where his birth parent, Salil, dwells—but it's always towards a distant golden light, and a warmth, not one that positions itself as more comforting than cold (hard to do for an ice tielfing) or aligned with a moral goodness that cold is not, but a warmth that simply signifies a changing of seasons, an inkling of springtime. He never gets to it, but he feels great joy in the pursuit.

Ránon started having a recurring dream in Barovia that really disturbed him (thank you DM for haunting my boy this way). He’s in the dark, and when he turns to look for his twin, Riell, she is not beside him. He hears nothing, sees nothing, and cannot scream even when he tries. He's not dead, because death would be different, and his goddess would be there to greet him, to guide him. He is alone, and that is worse. He tries running, but his arm pulls him back, and he sees for the first time a gold thread coming from one wrist, and then the other, and then all over his body, and there is blood pouring from the places they attach. They pull like puppet strings, and they glow birghter, and they hurt, and he bleeds more and more, and then a voice comes to him: "You can stop the pain, child." A pair of shears appears, and he takes them and severs the threads without thought, acting as he always does, in the interest of his own comfort and pleasure. The voice comes again. "So be it." And when he turns, he sees the threads' ends, each leading to a body. His sister, and his party, and his loved ones, all dead. And then he wakes up.

27. If they were to play D&D, what race/class would they pick?

Smidgen would play a druid. He loves nature and being connected to it, so that class would definitely pique his interest.

Ránon would be a rogue or a bard purely based on the cultural association of those classes as respectively sneaky/shady and horny.

38. What would be the worst quality that someone could attribute to them, in their own mind? As in, what would they think is the worst thing someone could think about them — that they’re selfish, lazy, violent, cowardly, stupid, etc.?

If anyone ever called Smidgen selfish, it would destroy him. He 100% has the "Lathander first, others second, me last" mentality, and he feels guilty at the slightest bit of self-prioritization, even when that's a good or healthy thing to do. The notion that he would ever behave in a way that made someone feel like he valued himself over them would result in levels of repentence not yet seen in this realm.

Ránon is pretty unbothered by the opinions of most people, but if anyone ever called him a bad lay, his pride would take a massive hit. The only person who could really hurt him would be Riell, and even though she calls him reckless and stupid and selfish all the time (and she's right), if she ever once implied that he didn't care about her, he would crumble.

57. How do they feel about babies? How would they deal with a friend’s baby being put in their arms?

Smidgen loves babies. He loves to make them laugh and rock them to sleep. If anyone hands him a baby, he is immediately delighted and fully focused on that child. The adults in the room no longer exist.

Ránon is uncomfortable with babies because he doesn't know what to do with them and is worried he'll break them. That said, Riell is the exception to every rule, and if she had a child, Ránon would be an emotional wreck and would love that child more than any child has ever been loved.

[legendofgrump]

How about all odds for Adara and all evens for Balthazar? I know you said you wanna develop them a whole lot, so hopefully that's not too many

holy shit this is gonna take dedication, but I’m so up for the challenge just you wait. This one is obviously going under a cut. You’ll find out quickly that I’ve worked out more for Adara than for Balthazar but shhhhhh

Okay this is super long so I’m gonna do Balthazar’s questions in a separate post just bear with me.

Adara

1. Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?Yeah! Adara has an older sister, Jaya, and a younger brother, Dean. They’re actually probably closer with Dean because there’s some bitterness between Adara and Jaya. Adara was given their powers by a witch because they were supposed to protect the village from a Dark Evil, but actually Jaya was the one that was supposed to protect the village, but she went off on her own for a Big Adventure and skipped out on getting the powers and Adara kind of resents her for it.

3. What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?I answered this one!

5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?A hunting knife, various berries or roots in case they can’t find food, small amounts of bandages, and sometimes pocket change if they’re lucky.

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?Ironically, Adara’s nightmares are typically fire related. Fires burning entire forests down, etc. Either that or the day their village was ransacked and destroyed by The Beast That I Haven’t Named Yet that they were meant to protect everyone from and totally failed

9. Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?Yeah, Adara was basically a comfortable middle class growing up and now they’re lucky if they have any money on them ever. But they don’t typically seek out money unless they need it so its livable.

11. In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?When The Beast came to their village and everyone was counting on them to protect the village and they couldn’t bring themselves to fight it because they were so scared. They absolutely chickened out and had to run away because they were afraid of dying, but of course that resulted in their entire village, including their family, dying a horrible death.

13. Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?Not unless its coming out of someone they care about in an excessive amount. Otherwise it’s just another bland sight.

15. Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?No, not particularly, but that’s because they were raised pretty humble and also beggars can’t be choosers, y’know.

17. What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?Their dad made them a little tambourine that they loved to bang around while their dad played guitar! It was like being part of the music and they loved it! Though they weren’t very talented with it haha

19. What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?They have this impression that they’re going to have the person they care about torn from them again (and that it’ll be their fault again) so they tend to just avoid relationships in general.

21. If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?Adara doesn’t blame anyone except for themselves. They were literally being preened to save the entire village and they failed so they can’t really blame anyone but themselves for that. But they do have a little resentment for Jaya since Jaya was supposed to be the one to do it and they think Jaya could have actually saved everyone.

23. What does your character dislike in other people?If they’re condescending or needlessly bossy. Adara doesn’t really take well to authority.

25. How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?Adara isn’t particularly untrusting. They believe in the benefit of the doubt unless you give them a reason to believe otherwise. But they’re also not dumb and very instinctual so if someone gives off a bad vibe, they’ll be very closed off toward the person.

27. How does your character normally deal with confrontation?Now they try their best to fight back and stand strong against confrontation. They’ve been training themselves ever since they left their destroyed village to make sure what happened before never happened again, so they’re much more prepared now. Though they will still have trouble remaining confident if it seems like they’re really outmatched.

29. What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?They wanted to be a parent! They really wanted to start a family of their own and have children and people that they cared about! But that didn’t really pan out and it’ll probably be a while before it ever happens. They also wanted to work with animals, which they sometimes get to ride horses and they’ll occasionally rescue birds or squirrels that were hurt but that wasn’t really the plan.

31. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.I mean they’d be most comfortable with their family, but seeing as that’s not really a thing, I’ll be a little more realistic. The most comfort they can find as they are right now is curled up in a tree, having checked everything to make sure that they’re safe to survive the night, belly satisfyingly full, and a solid plan for the next day. They can snooze with little to no paranoia attacking them.

33. In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?I mean if it’s honest criticism and they trust the person it’s coming from, then they’ll totally be willing to improve. They desperately want to be the best they can, if only to imagine that they’d make their parents proud.

35. How does your character behave around people they like?Comfortably. They’re a little silly and playful and enjoy cracking jokes. They’re a little affectionate with like claps on the back or putting themselves in front of the person to protect them. They’re very protective of people they care about, that’s for sure.

37. Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?Defending their honor, I think? But also they don’t see themselves as having much honor because of their past. They think of themselves kind of lowly and they don’t particularly have any status either. But they’d protect their honor over just trying to stay in power or anything.

39. Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?Yeah, I mean, squirrels don’t particularly like being picked up, especially when they’re wounded, so a couple times. They’re lucky to have never contracted rabies. But they usually just ignore it in favor of fixing whatever wound the animal has and that’ll usually get the animal’s trust.

41. Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?Adara is very much an “earn it” kind of person. Especially since they think they’re kind of working with a deficit of “deserving” anything, so they have to work to bring themselves to just bare minimum (in their mind). They hate the idea of things just being handed out to people.

43. Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?I’m not totally sure if this means someone that’s dependent on them or that they depend on. But Adara got their powers and trained with a witch that they called “Auntie” for the longest time because the two were really close.

45. What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?They believe in a Sky God to an extent (they were raised on it, but they kinda gave up believing it after tragedy befell them). And the deal is basically you either join the Sky God or fall from the sky after you die and just fall for all eternity, which is suffering in itself (it’s useful to know that this entire land exists on floating islands, so there’s just abyss beneath them basically). Adara believes they’re probably going to fall because of how they let everyone down, but they’re also very hard on themselves. It doesn’t really scare them, they’ve kind of come to terms with it, but they’re not exactly excited about it.

[prosecutormiles]

Edgeworth & Mental Illness

In honor of May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I thought I would talk a little bit (spoiler alert: there is nothing “a little bit” about this post) about the different mental illnesses that I write Miles with.  Keep in mind that I'm not a medical professional by any stretch of the imagination, and I'm going on my own research and experience for a lot of this.  This is, of course, my own personal interpretation.

This is not a comprehensive list, and it's bound to shift and change as I develop my writing.  Please be aware that this isn't fun stuff.  I'll put a full trigger list under the cut.

#child abuse #trauma #suicide attempt #suicidal ideation #self harm #addiction #drug use

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD is a mental disorder that can develop after a person is exposed to a traumatic event.  According to the ADAA, the disorder is characterized by three main types of symptoms:

Re-experiencing the trauma through intrusive distressing recollections of the event, flashbacks, and nightmares.

Emotional numbness and avoidance of places, people, and activities that are reminders of the trauma.

Increased arousal such as difficulty sleeping and concentrating, feeling jumpy, and being easily irritated and angered.

Miles canonically experiences symptoms of PTSD.  He has flashbacks triggered by earthquakes, he has recurring nightmares, and he avoids elevators.  Within blog canon, he also suffers from insomnia, panic attacks, and hypervigilance, particularly under times of high stress.  He is also claustrophobic and experiences anxiety from things that restrict his breathing, such as tight ties/shirt collars and swimming underwater.

It should be noted that Miles' PTSD stems not only from witnessing his father's murder, but also the abuse he suffered under von Karma.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

GAD is a mental disorder characterized by persistent and excessive worry about a number of different things, coupled with the inability to control that worry.

This is something Miles had since childhood, but he had a decent support system when he was young.  It was exacerbated greatly by his father's death, and further from training under von Karma.  A lot of this overlaps with his PTSD, but I do hold that it is alongside rather than a part of it.

A lot of his anxiety is stemmed from his triggers, but he has developed a good deal of smaller worries concerning (mostly) unrelated things: ladders, large bodies of water (such as oceans, not lakes), thunderstorms, etc. He also has a crippling fear of failure and losing control.

Major Depressive Disorder

MDD is a mental condition in which a person suffers at least one major depressive episode in their lifetime.  The qualifications for one of these episodes involve a certain set of symptoms being persistent for at least two weeks and generally will interfere with one's ability to perform their normal everyday activities.

Miles experienced a major depressive episode following the State vs. Skye case (Rise From the Ashes), although he had been spiraling since before the State vs. Edgeworth case (Turnabout Goodbyes).  Before that point, he likely would have been diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder (PPD), which is a less severe version of MDD but generally lasts longer than a single episode.  Miles has had major depressive episodes before the one that ultimately saw him leaving his job and disappearing for a year, but they were less severe.

The symptoms he experiences include feelings of extreme guilt and hopelessness, loss of pleasure of things he normally enjoys, decreased appetite, insomnia, fatigue, lack of concentration, and suicidal ideation.

He was likely predisposed to MDD, but it manifested because of his trauma and abuse history.  He might have it without those things, but the severity would likely be a bit lower.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

I'm a bit hesitant with this one because personality disorders are a whole different category, and diagnosing them is really complex. Personality disorders are called such because they are rooted within someone's personality, sometimes due to years of maladaptive patterns of behavior.  It often has to do with using juvenile coping methods and never really learning to use better ones.  Miles does fit a lot of the patterns, but I'm not sure it's the perfect diagnosis for him because it's difficult to tell if it's a part of his personality or some sort of chemical imbalance (believed to be the cause of many mental illnesses that are not personality disorders).

OCPD, which is also called Anankastic Personality Disorder, is a kind of personality disorder that is characterized by perfectionism, need for control, and cognitive rigidity.  It is similar in some ways to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but it is considered a separate diagnosis.

Miles' symptoms include preoccupation with orderliness and organization, obsession with rules, perfectionism to the point where it interferes with productivity (i.e. he may not sleep the night before a trial because he feels the need to prepare for every single possibility that may come up in court, rather than not getting his work done on time), rigidity and stubbornness, and inflexibility about moral issues (i.e. everything is either good or bad, black or white; there are no gray areas).

While the exact cause of OCPD is unknown, it's likely that this was influenced greatly by von Karma.

With this cocktail of mental illnesses comes certain behavioral patterns and coping mechanisms.  Due to the fact that Miles is a functional member of society with a high stress job that he is very, very good at, it's clear that his coping mechanisms are working for him, at least for the short term. However, he has a distinct lack of a social life and not very many friends, along with the fact that his abuser is still a part of his life after he moves out.  Without treatment and removing the severely negative factors in his life, it's likely a major depressive episode was inevitable.

Miles' coping methods were effective in the short term, but they were not positive coping methods.  Here is a non-comprehensive list of his coping methods:

Distraction. He will bury himself in work to avoid dealing with his emotions. (Note: this is not necessarily a negative coping method, but being as he never actually deals with things, it's not a positive one either.)

Self-medication. He abuses prescription benzodiazepines (like Xanax or Ativan).  However, there is a stipulation to this:  he has a legitimate prescription, and, while he almost always takes at least one a day, he will not resort to breaking the law to get extra.  The last few days before he is allowed to refill his prescription are days you want to stay very far away from him.

Self harm.  Although less prevalent in adulthood, he was a cutter the entire time he was living under von Karma's roof.  His cuts are very well hidden, mostly on his thighs.

Avoidance. He actively avoids situations that will spike his anxiety, to the point where he climbs twelve flights of stairs every single day so that he doesn't have to take the elevator.  (Also not necessarily a negative coping mechanism, except for the great lengths he'll go to to avoid certain things.)

Aggression. While much of the time, his reprimands to subordinates are due to a lack of competency on their parts, he also sometimes derives pleasure from putting other people down.  This is especially true in the courtroom, where he can generally outwit a defense attorney.

So, what can he do about it?

This blog's canon is that Miles started receiving psychiatric treatment after leaving his suicide note and fleeing the country.  I'm not sure if this happened because of an actual suicide attempt or for some other reason.  With official diagnoses and proper therapy and medication, he was able to rebuild himself into the man we see in the later games.

He also got Pess while he was in Europe, who is a certified service dog trained to help him deal with his PTSD symptoms in particular.  She is more than an emotional support dog, although she performs those tasks for him as well.  What makes her a service dog is that she is trained to get him to safety in earthquakes, protect him in the event of a full flashback, wake him up from nightmares, etc.

She is the absolute light of his life, and he adores her.  He takes her just about everywhere, although he doesn't always need her services. The main place she does not go with him is the courthouse.  But she has a doggy bed in his office and strolls around the twelfth floor most of the day.

Just because Miles is in treatment and on medications doesn't mean he is magically better, though.  Many of the things he deals with now, he will be dealing with the rest of his life.  The difference is that he is getting the resources he needs to deal with these things in a healthier manner.  There will still be bad days and weeks and months, and there are still things he hasn't addressed. For instance, his addiction to benzos is still something he won't admit to needing to deal with and is very good at hiding it from his acquaintances. He still hasn't completely processed the idea that his life was so incredibly influenced by a man who was setting him up for failure from the beginning.  He still has trouble admitting that what happened to him was abuse.

It's a long process, but he is finally on the right path.

[thegoddessprose]

Survey Survey Survey

Looks and Personality

What do you look like? >> Pale, brown hair high back, some curve, heart face, brown eyes... Yeah, no, sorry, I’m just going to be vauge How often do you bathe? >> Every other day How do you wear your hair? >> I like to keep it down

What colours do you tend to wear? >> Black, usually, maybe also blue, purple, and pink Do you have any tattoos? What, where and why? >> No, I have not

What kind of clothes do you wear? >> Usually graphic tees, tunics, blazers, slacks, sweats, leggings, crocs, and such What kind of jewellery do you wear? >> Nothing too often, I have a bracelet I love, and a few fandom necklaces Is there anything else you often wear? >> Not really Would you say you had a “look”? >> Yeah, I’d think so When going out, do you dress up or down? >> It would really depend on where I’m going What do you wear to bed at home? >> Sweats and a t shirt What do you wear to bed when your somewhere else? >> The same Is there a place you keep any prized/secret things whilst you’re away? >> If I told you, it wouldn’t be a secret anymore, would it? What’s your favourite food? >> Mashed potatoes in gravy. No skin. No chunks. What’s your favourite drink? >> I like a good strawberry daiquiri  What’s your favourite desert? >> Mint ice cream with oreos What’s your favourite type of food (e.g Mexican)? >> American, as lame as I am Do you have any mental problems? >> Yep... Yay for Anxiety.... Do you have any phobias? What? Why do you think you have this/them? >> Yes, needles (Medical problems at a very young age), dogs (Bad experiences with them, and I don’t like attention or loud noises), thunder (Loud noises) Why might somebody dislike you? >> I guess because I don’t act like everyone else What skill do you possess that you are most proud of? >> I’m a pretty good writer, and I’m not being vain, I’ve had other people tell me this What is your greatest strength (e.g. honest, loyal, brave)? >> I don’t take other people’s BS, I’m not gullible, I know what I want and I don’t let other people influence me too much What’s your greatest shortcoming or flaw (e.g. cowardly, alcoholic)? >> My anxiety makes me reluctant to try things, and I can be a little fussy Who do you most admire? >> It’s hard to pick one person Who do you most love? >> Uh... What three things do you look for most in a partner? >> Open-minded, a gentleman (But not TOO old-fashioned), an individual Do you like crowds? >> NO What are your hobbies? >> Travel, browsing the internet, theater If you can’t get to sleep in the middle of the night, what do you do? >> Read, daydream What is your favourite animal? >> Not really sure at this point What is your favourite colour? >> Hot pink or black If you could ask God (to athiests - IF there was one) one question, what? >> Well, if is there really a heaven or hell is off the table... When he created people, did he know how destructive they were going to be... And is there any way to undo the mob stuff? Rate yourself on these traits from 0 to 10. 0 - do not possess this trait. 10 - you have great amounts of this trait. Calm temper 6 Charm 4 Cheerfulness 2 Confidence 7 Courtesy 6 Curiousity 9 Forgiveness 8 Generosity 5 Greed 3 Helpfulness 5 Honesty 7 Loyalty 8 Optimism 1 Patience 6 Self-sacrafice 1 Wit 9

Background

Where were you born and raised?

>> Maryland

Briefly describe your family.

>> Your run of the mill suburban family. No real toxicity or anything like that.

You must choose one - your childhood was calm/peaceful or tragic/turbulent?

>> Pretty fairly turbulent because I grew up with a chronic illness, but thankfully I have access to pretty good care

Did you have any rolemodels?

>> A few

What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you?

>> When I was 12 I got super sick, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t sit on any hard surfaces, I gained a lot of weight that’s taken me a decade to lose... I got better, but I had to go into the hospital

How did it affect you?

>> Again, I gained a lot of weight that took forever to lose, I still have stretch marks, I’m scared to death of flaring now because of it

Have you ever had any recurring nightmares or themes in nightmares?

>> No, not really

What were they?

>> N/A

Do you currently have a boyfriend/girlfriend? >> No Do you have any close friends? >> Yes Briefly describe your best friend: >> Long distance, but still one of my best friends, we go to each other during both the good and bad, we share our work, she’s like my long lost sister Any enemies? >> Not that I know of Who? What are they like? >> N/A? Would you risk your life for your best friend?(not lover or family member!) >> I don’t... Probably With who was your most important romantic relationship? >> I’ve never exactly... Been in a relationship Of what are you most proud? >> I’m proud of my writing Of what are you most ashamed? >> I can’t always do everything by myself, I don’t like my stretch marks

Alignment, Ethics and Religion

What is your religion?

>> Ah.... Agnostic, I’d say

Where do you stand on abortion?

>> Pro-choice

Where do you stand on the death penalty?

>> No opinion

Where do you stand on wearing fur?

>> Doesn’t matter to me unless it’s an endangered species

Do you have a moral code that you follow? What?

>> Try to do the right thing, even if other people don’t think it is... Is that a moral code? Sure.

Could you kill somebody?

>> I’d say only if my or someone else’s life depended on it. 

For what reason would you kill somebody?

>> See above

Would you SERIOUSLY CONSIDER killing anybody right now?

>> No.

Do you trust easily, or not?

>> Not.

What are your political beliefs (anarchy, communism, democracy etc.)?

>> I don’t really have a set... Well, set. It would really depend on what issues we’re talking about.

What, if anything, WOULD you sacrifice your life for?

>> I can’t really think of anything

Would you ever, for any reason, abandon your friends in an hour of need?

>> Well, I’d do my best not to, but anything can happen.

Motivation

What are your dreams/ambitions/goals? >> Write bestsellers, have good health, live somewhere interesting where I don’t have to drive How do you plan to reach them? >> Uh.....  How would your ideal partner look? >> I’m not too shallow... But tall(ish), dark hair, and bespectacled would do just fine

Do you ever want to have a family someday? With children? >> Children? No way. I can’t deal with being pregnant, and even outside of that, I’m not selfless, conformist, or patient enough. Who would you want to start this family with, or do you not yet know? >> N/A What would stop you from reaching your goals (e.g. death, retirement fund)? >> Needing a warm place to live and good healthcare... And procrastination? What do you see yourself doing next year? >> Don’t ask me What do you see yourself doing in twenty years? >> Hopefully having written a bestseller Would you ever have an affair? >> I guess it would depend. In a perfect world I’d answer no, but that’s not how the world is, and anything can go wrong, so I can’t say it’s impossible. Would you ever have a one night stand? >> No, I’m not that kind of girl What are your greatest fears? >> Failure and death are pretty big, I guess

More information

If you had a month of nothing (no work, no obligations) what would you do?

>> TRAVEL

How do you relax?

>> Internet, solitude

What one thing would you change in this world (free Tibet, abolish Sweden)?

>> Uh... Free healthcare?

Would you ever choose a career or job where your life was at risk?

>> No.

How would you like to be remembered after your death?

>> I’d rather not think about this... I hope well and for a long time as someone talented, I guess.

Random questions

Where you present at any major historical events (e.g. 9/11)?

>> I saw a bunch of Brexit stuff while in London

How did they affect you?

>> I was mainly thinking, “well, at least they’re not rioting”

Do you have any famous relatives?

>> That would require me to reveal my real last name, and that’s not happening

Do you have to try and live up to your family’s expectations?

>> No

Are you a loyal member of any organizations?

>> No.

General Information

Name:

>> Persephone

Age:

>> 21

Date Of Birth:

>> September 1st

Race:

>> White

Height:

>> 5′3

Weight:

>> 120 lbs

Are you happy with this?

>> I would have liked to be taller

Desired weight:

>> This is fine

Sexual orientation:

>> Straight

First language:

>> English.

Second/Third/Fourth etc. languages (if any):

>> French (Not fluent)

Why did you take this survey?

>> I was bored