#like she always gets intense crushes on ppl she can't have

[dolly-spit]

hhhh i'm finally watching helluva boss lmfao

[ame-to-ame]

there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them

[funky-fairy]

Lily, Remus and Pandora Headcanons (ridiculously long list)

they're my blorbos i would give my life for them. i project a lot onto remus and lily, so if anything is wildly out of character it's probably that

Lily

very kindhearted but also sarcasm queen

burnt out

Academic validation > real sense of self worth

needs external validation (no this is not healthy she's working on it)

better at potions than snivellus and he hates it hehehe

average at „regular“ magic (spells etc) but exceptional at „scienc-y magic“ (potions, arithmancy, astronomy, herbology etc) bc she's just that cool

plant mom (also green plants > flowers)

actually a rulebreaker, she’s just too smart to get caught

struggles to feel like she belongs: witch in the muggle world, muggle in the wizard world

study buddies to best friends with Remus

fav colours sage green and lavender

sorting hat couldn’t decide between gryffindor and ravenclaw at first

never involved in any drama but knows all about it

everyone is very surprised whenever she swears but she actually swears a lot

tells Pandora about the greek pandora myth and thinks that that's flirting

lotssssss of freckles

curvy/chubby

she is so sleep deprived

sneaks into the library at night (oh wherever could the sleep deprivation come from i have no idea)

loves christmas season (decorating, baking, cheesy movies, music, buying gifts for friends etc., not the christian part)

stress-bakes but can't even cook spaghetti without burning down the kitchen (baking is just different than cooking for her)

constantly apologizes for everything

smokes occasionally and always swears it's the last time (it’s not)

actually not that short but looks very short next to remus and pandora

abba fan (unironically) and always tries to get sirius to dress up as abba with her, remus and pandora (she already coerced persuaded them) for halloween

soft but wouldn't hesitate to kill for the ppl she loves

would love penelope scott if she was a modern teen bc i say so

first one to notice remus has a crush on sirius and vice versa

last one to notice she has a crush on pandora and vice versa

reminds others to drink/eat/sleep/dress warm enough but often doesn't herself bc she feels like she 'doesn't deserve it' :((

kind of a people-pleaser but remus is helping her to stop

so afraid of failure she sometimes doesn’t even try

Remus

doesn't cry (not on purpose he just suppressed his emotions for so long he literally can't cry anymore unless he has a full on mental breakdown)

caffeine addiction

won’t drink anything that isn't hot (eg coffee and tea, but also just hot water)

covers up his intense self hatred with jokes (not self deprecating but like joking about being perfect and stuff, idk how to explain it it's mostly me projecting bc i do that lmao)

very sarcastic and can come off as harsh

actually very nice and non-judgmental

chocolate >>>>>

never involved in any drama but wants to know all about it (Lily is his main source of information)

swears a lot

teachers think he’s very responsible but he just doesn’t get caught being irresponsible

smokes too much

thought the sorting head made a mistake by sorting him into gryffindor at first and still feels insecure about it all through his hogwarts years

patronus is a big black dog(sdfghjk)

very very tall but like kind of lanky

lots of scars obv

Sirius had to ask him out (and later propose to him sdfghjdfs) bc he had too much self doubt/hatred and thought Sirius would never want to be with him :(( (He did. Sirius very much wanted to be with him. Very much.)

top tier insomniac (lily makes sleep droughts for him tho)

lily taught him how to bake and now he loves it and is getting quite good at it

corrects people's grammar

knows every single abba lyric bc of lily

david bowie fan

constantly third-wheeling pandora and lily

hits/breaks things when angry, sometimes hits himself but never others

so afraid of rejection he ends up pushing ppl away (they can’t leave you if you don’t let them close in the first place) (his only close friends still are James, Sirius, Peter and Lily, but it took so long for him to let especially Lily close. Pandora still isn’t quite there even tho they are def very good friends)

Pandora

very smart but only does anything at all if she likes the class/thinks it makes sense to have the class

only follows rules she thinks make sense and most teachers just gave up trying to do something about it

experiments with magic a lot

has scars from said experiments

also random bruises and scratches of unknown origin

wears large quantities of jewellery (piercings, earrings, necklaces, bracelets, beads etc in her butterfly locs)

homemade jewellery >>>>>

cannot flirt to save her life

eyeliner.

absolutely in love with lily’s brain

doesn’t drink caffeine

her maiden name is lovegood and both lily and her become lovegood-evans later bc in my brain they marry

just wanders around sometimes (excuses it with saying she sleepwalks if she gets caught past curfew)

t a l l

the sorting head barely touched her head before sorting her into ravenclaw

patronus is an octopus bc it's very intelligent but often seen as 'weird'

fav flower is the lily of the valley (sfdghjk)

knits (she knits sweaters and scarfs for lily <3)

is like the only one in this trio that actually feels pretty good about herself

although she does realize ppl tend to see her as 'weird' she just kind of accepted it? like, yeah, other ppl can be close-minded but she knows that and doesn't let it define her; as long as she's happy and doesn't hurt ppl it's all good for her

exclusively drinks sparkling water and jasmine tea

hates the feeling of brushing her teeth and is always working on spells/potions(with lily sdfghjdfs) that clean her teeth for her

would definitely also love penelope scott if she was a modern teen

loves pastries and other little baked goods

literally doesn't get cold

[lycan-troth]

I'm so confused by the asexual spectrum, and I mean that respectfully. There's so many variations that I can't keep up with them. I've tried to understand what they are, but I've not been able to find anything that explains them simply and clearly.

Before ppl get mad or offended... I'm saying this bcs I think I could be on the spectrum, but bcs it's so confusing, I can't tell if I am or not. I just want to see simple explanations, but I can't wrap my head around all the different versions. So, I was hoping someone knowledgeable on the subject could suggest what I could be? I'm lesbian and she/they, so I understand those parts of my identity, just for some subtext. I'm just stumbling on how I (don't) experience attraction.

So, I'm 22, and I have no experience with intimacy or romance. Though, that's mainly bcs I haven't had the opportunities. I'd never be intimate with a stranger or a friend. I've only been in love once. I've only felt significant attraction to maybe 4 or 5 people? I usually catch myself trying to see if I find anyone attractive, and it often feels forced bcs the high majority of ppl I see are not attractive to me. I observe ppl, trying to find elements of them that might spark something in me, but nothing happens. I've tried to force crushes on myself before, and it just feels desperate and lonely. I feel no genuine attraction. Just indifference. It bothers me. I want to feel attraction more often, but I don't.

A good thing is that I'm not someone who's usually considered attractive. I'm cute and innocent-like, but nothing more. I'm basically that one friend everyone assumes is innocent and kind like a kid, and no one decent is interested in that. And that's okay, bcs I don't find anyone around me attractive, haha. It's just lonely. The few times I've been attracted to someone has always been really overwhelming for me. I've literally gone weak in the knees and almost fallen over bcs I saw a rlly attractive girl. But always, when I've felt attraction, I've also been afraid. I've often joked to myself that if i feel intimidated by a girl and she hasn't done anything to warrant that response, then she's just really pretty.

I have never approached anyone I've found very attractive bcs it just seems rlly weird to me. Plus, I always don't know them, or they're seeing someone, and I'm always an anxious wreck. In general, I can not recognise flirting or subtle things. I'm autistic and while my social skills aren't bad, they only go so far, lol. So, maybe someone has tried flirting before, and I just thought they were being nice? That's why I don't do subtle. The ppl in my life know that I don't play games. If I have a problem with someone, I'd tell them. If I'm happy spending time with someone, I let them know. I tell a few ppl I love them, that's a big thing for me. I like directness, but I know lots of ppl struggle with it. However, for me, I need it to be able to understand the full picture properly. Idk why so many ppl like playing weird cat and mouse games. Someone said it was to be mysterious or to not show 'too much' interest. That to me is just stupid and childish. I get feeling scared of rejection, but I don't like it when ppl mess around. It's impolite to play with someone's feelings, making them question whether you like them or not. It just breeds insecurity and doubt. To me, it's unattractive and boring. It's not romantic. But that's just me, and I'm often enough the odd one out.

Anyway, it is not often I feel attraction. Ppl are usually boring. I have felt that a few ppl were cute during brief interactions, so if those continued, perhaps that sort of feeling could have developed. I'm open to marriage with the right person, but only if they're The One. I'd only date someone if I knew them well enough, but I'm not open to dating casually. I feel very intensely about most things, and I have been in love once. It was an online relationship. I loved her very much and only wanted her happiness and comfort. I hadn't meant to fall in love, and I'd never intended to have an online relationship. But I loved her, and that changed my mind. When she broke up with me, I accepted it and comforted her about it. I mentioned that I was sad about it, naturally, but I didn't say much more than that. I understood it was difficult and upsetting for her to break up, so I respected her decision and minimalised communicating the extent of how upset I felt. I did that because telling her wouldn't be a kindness or productive. It would only make her feel more upset and guilty. We're still friends. I always thought ppl were being dramatic when they said that first loves were devastating or sad. I loved and was loved in return, which makes the experience worth it. I hope to find love again, someday.

I like the idea of romance and comfort, but obtaining it isn't so simple. However, I refuse to settle for less than what I want. On the other hand: intimacy. I'm not upset that I've never done anything. Sure, in theory, I'd like to have a bit of experience, but I don't, and that's okay. My hand does the trick for me just fine, so I'm not frustrated at all. If I had a partner, in theory, I believe if I trusted them enough, we might do something together, but in reality? Idk, but I like the idea of it.

That's all I can think of to mention. So, if someone could make a suggestion or something, I'd appreciate it. Even if it's just to tell me that I'm not part of the asexual spectrum, and I'm just an introverted, anxious, autistic, lesbian who's suffering under the devastation that is other ppl's commitment issues. That'd be fine. I'm just feeling lost and would appreciate a kind word of reassurance.

[acourtofthought]

lol I was skimming through your blog and I saw ppl love to say elain is uncomfortable around lucien I once had this argument with someone and I asked them "why hasn't she break the mating bond?" and they instantly shut down lol

like come on girl if she was THAT uncomfortable wouldn't she asked feyre if there was a way to end whatever it was with him and set herself free and choose azriel? she had 2 years to think about it and it apparently hasn't accrued to her once...

and my bigger question is why Azriel hasn't ask himself that? ah right... he hasn't think beyond the fantasy of her in his bedroom so he dosen't really care if she's mated or not bc his brothers are mated to her sisters and lucien of all people is mated with her, now how fair is that? very romantic...

honestly it's really that simple... yall just need to think a little and stop being blind and delulu lmao

I think it's probably accurate to say Elain IS uncomfortable when Lucien is around.

But.......so what, right? 😂

Feyre was terrified of Rhys when she first met him.

Nesta made Cassian feel like he was worthless when she first met him, snorting and looking away as if he was nothing then told him on multiple occasions to leave her the hell alone.

So yes, Elain is uncomfortable but there are many possible reasons that could be causing that besides the "she has no interest in him and will never have interest in him" argument.

I am the absolute worst around people I'm really attracted to. Like, "can't make eye contact and have no idea what to say" awkward and uncomfortable.

Elain might not want a mate or a male because she's trying to convince herself it's the truth all the while being frustrated that she's extremely drawn to Lucien.

Elain's "newfound boldness" might disappear around Lucien because he can see right through that "newfound boldness" to realize she's fooling herself and those around her, that she's not as happy and fine in the NC as she's putting out there.

Everyone expects Elain to make friends and be optimistic because that's who she's always been but what happens when if it's not working? She wouldn't want to let others down when they have certain expectations of her so she's showing them what they want to see. Maybe she's trying to fake it until she makes it herself.

But a mate KNOWS things and can most likely sense that she's full of shit. That would make me lose my "newfound boldness" too. Knowing someone has a front row seat to my soul and they can see act I'm putting on.

Until we are at the end of Elain's book (considering Nesta STILL couldn't admit her feelings for Cassian until 3/4 of the way through), no one can say for certain that Elain's reaction to Lucien isn't a result of the intense emotions and pull she has to him, that it's something she's fighting having to admit because it's scary.

Like you said, why string the poor man along for nearly two years if she's really not interested? Why keep accepting his gifts? Why not beg Feyre to not invite him to Solstice? And why haven't Az or Elain made any plans on what they'll say to Lucien if they do in fact have feelings for one another? If Elain has no interest in him then why is Rhys telling Az to back off? Why does Nesta call her a wretch for not sitting near him? Why does Cassian feel bad for the longing on Lucien's face? Why did Feyre tell Elain to get to know Lucien? Why did Feyre encourage Lucien to spend more time with Elain? Considering these are Az's people, why are they all on board the Elucien train?

Elain and Az not ending up together is a blip in their journey's. They had a year where they tossed around the idea of something (all the while Az was also tossing around the idea of wishing Mor wanted him). But they can move on and it really doesn't affect anyone to any real degree, not even themselves. If Az can get over his 500 + year old love for Mor within the span of a book then getting over a 1 year long crush should take him 1/500th of that time.

Elain and Lucien not ending up together impacts their entire lives. It impacts the lives of whoever they end up with (that person always knowing that their SO has a unique bond with someone else, a super special connection that only mates share). It's not something, as Rhys tells us, that will ever completely go away.

[alloarocharactershowdown]

LORD DOMINATOR PROPAGANDA: How often is it that you get a villain whose motive is passion & love & fun, whose personality majorly reflects those things, who massively comes off as aro-coded, and who is presented as being EPIC and RIGHT for hating when ppl make romantic advances towards her & for shutting fools tf down for having the gall to assume she'd want to date them or that it'd even be appropriate to consider asking her out in the first place!??! (It's like hitting on someone while they're working but 100x worse bc her work is being The Big Bad!) Each time she does so, it is in NO WAY framed as evil of her for harshly rejecting dudes, EVEN WHEN SHE DOES SO TO ONE OF THE MCs!!!

There's an entire story arc about one of the beloved villain MCs havin a big dumb crush on her, and it's constantly portrayed as inane and also sexist for him to pursue her (or even be encouraged to) and to make all the hetero/amatamornative assumptions that he does. It's all buildup to her RIGHTEOUSLY putting him & his enablers in their place and stomping his inappropriate advances to pieces. We're meant to root for her in that regard the ENTIRE ARC, and that's made very evident at every turn; the show's voices of reason always point out that treating her as Love Interest Character™ is bad!! Even when loverboy ~changes~ to be considerate of what she may want instead of purely caring about how bad HE wants to date her, even when his approach is "fixed" to be a ""sweet, grand gesture,"" the writing still goes, "nO THIS IS STILL INCREDIBLY WEIRD WTH" and commits to the buildup of her inevitable harsh rejection of him being SATISFYING & RIGHT OF HER. And bc leaving it at that isn't cool enough, it's literally the thing that leads into her AMAZING villain song that further drills in how typecasting women & girls as love interests (or anything else) purely bc of their gender is stupid & wrong, and how she's very happy as she is, without romance in her life!!! And as she sings, she up and destroys a planet that's entirely themed around romance and dating AND GOD DOES IT GO HARD. She LITERALLY kills amatanormativity dead.

Oh, and on top of all this, the reason the crush arc even happened in the first place... was bc Wander thought that if he set Dom & Hater up together, them having romantic love in their lives would "cancel out all their evil." His best friend (& voice of reason character) points out that not only can people have that kinda love in their lives and still be evil, two villains could even become TWICE AS EVIL. The lesson there: Romance ISN'T an inherent force of good!!! Nor is any kind of love, genuine or not!!! Dominator's villain song also majorly proved that bc it stressed how she's happy & FULL of love for her life exactly the way it is!!! She doesn't need Hater's romance or Wander's friendship to be happy, nor would either thing make her happy at all! In fact, it's made pretty obvious that having either of those things would make her (and both the other characters) UNHAPPY!! It's a recurring moral of the story that happiness is unique to everyone; you can't force what makes some people happy onto everybody as a one-size-fits-all source of happiness, and romance is a MAJOR example of that! Just because it makes some people happy doesn't mean that it's like that for all people, and half the protags get to learn that through the fact that Dom does NOT want romance in her life and is HAPPY that way! Lord Dominator's intense love for living her life the way she wants to live it is actually what makes her so unstoppable!! It can very much be said that she's totally fueled by The Power Of Love, and her love trumps the protags trying to go up to her with, 'umm... the power of romantic love and offering friendship to ALL!' Yeah, NOPE!! She's doing what makes her happy, and that absolutely DEMOLISHES everything stemmed from the concept that romance & heroism tropes would inherently make anyone happy! They can't stand against her with that and hope to win! It DOESN'T work that way!!

And to top it all off, IT'S CONFIRMED THAT SHE WAS WRITTEN AS GAY. A BUNCH OF THE CREW SAW HER AS A LESBIAN AND THEY LEANED INTO IT, AGAIN IN A WAY THAT'S ENTIRELY SEPARATE FROM HER BEING A VILLAIN! There was literally an entire episode dedicated to coding her and the one other female character in the main cast as such, and it was written by a lesbian staff writer!!!!! The intent behind writing her as lesbian is just so.. sincere(? if that's the right word) bc of that, and ik another writer on the crew once spoke about how the team really cares about never writing gags or characters in a way that would imply that being gay is anything outrageous or bad. And on the subject of "lesbian undertones: the episode", it lends itself to the aro lesbian Lord Dominator hc so well because, canonically, there aren't any romantic feelings involved in the story of that ep even tho it was consciously written to have hella lesbian undertones; it's wholly about Dominator temporarily finding a friend in the one other woman in the main cast, and how she's affected by the bond they share on their night out bc she's never had anything like that before. She doesn't want a love life, but something like this she is so gung-ho for!!

No one does it like Lord Dominator.

.

[derelictheretic]

(For the ask game) I have a couple of OCs, but I’ll do Dove since she’s my favorite girl :3 Dove is kind, hardworking (sometimes too much), affectionate (once she knows someone well), and teasing when she wants to be. She is from Texas originally, bilingual, and loves spicy foods and Tex-Mex food. She enjoys photography, journaling, and being in nature (especially if the weather is nice and cool). And she secretly(?) has a thing for slightly evil people *cough* John Seed lol. There’s probably more info but this is all I could think of for now haha XD

First off I love her she sounds incredible 🥺💕 And she has wonderful taste in awful (affectionate) men <3

Okay so immediately I think on a surface level Heather would like her, simply because it sounds like they have a lot in common with the hard-working nature, being from Texas and enjoying journalling! They'd at least have a lot to talk about and bond over.

Heather struggles with friendships in general and Dove seems like a sweet person which is exactly the type of people Heather struggles with the most, if Dove likes evil people like John though maybe she'll be able to deal with Heathers attitude and once Heather realises she's not gonna be put off by her real personality she'll dub her the highest honor of actual friendship.

The only other problem that could arise is Heather obviously hates John and can't trust anyone close to him, but aside from that I think they could be good friends!

Piper would love Dove, she loves camping, hiking and being outdoors and she would love to have someone to do that with! She'd also enjoy how affectionate and teasing Dove is, Pip loves people she can bear hug whenever and have inside jokes with. (She would be the type to send Dove personalised memes at 3am). It's also very likely she'd get a big fat crush on her at some point because pretty women are just her weakness but she's also a lil coward so she'd never say anything about it and just be thankful to have a friend (seeing as despite being pretty laid back she can be a bit intense for some people and doesn't have many!). I think they could have a very chill, goofy kind of friendship tbh!

Anya, as you may or may not know, is a huge lesbian and when you put a hard-working, funny woman in front of her with interesting hobbies she will fall in love. She's also socially inept though so again, never admitting it—BUT, she would go out of her way to ask Dove about her hobbies and interests. She may struggle to share her own at first as she's very closed off and secretive but she's good at telling when people are honest and genuine and I think she'd see that in Dove and be more willing to tell her about herself. Anya also loves nature and she'd be more than happy to explore some of Hope County with Dove, she's great at picnics and will bring a bouquet along too because she can't help herself. (Dove may have to expand Anya's food palette tho bc her tastes are BLAND, like a pinch of paprika would kill her probably, help her).

Dean is the Golden retriever boy who befriends anyone whose nice to him for two seconds so i'd say he'd like Dove from the get go ajsjsjsj No but he'd definitely vibe with her personality and enjoy her company I think! He is touch starved so an ounce of affection would earn Dove his undying loyalty just sayin AND AGAIN outdoorsy man (I swear not all of my oc's our outdoor ppl this is a coincidence ajsjdjd) so he'd be thrilled to hang out in the wilderness and watch her take photos and if she gets tired piggy back rides are on the table! He also loves spicy foods and would always offer to cook for her btw his love language is feeding people and making them their fave drinks. He's pretty happy and laid back when there's not a cult takeover happening so I think they could definitely get along in the pre-reaping era (and they both have they same taste in evil cult men, tho Dean is super in denial abt it for a long time </3).

[troglobite]

laskdjflaskdjf

retroactively caveating this: if we're mostly/p much only internet friends, the dynamic is so entirely different that none of this really applies. i'm talking ppl i've known almost my whole life, and/or ppl i know irl and would be meeting w in person if not for ongoing covid.

------

sitting here thinking

realizing some things

previously it felt like the tiny number of friends i had/have were only ever interested in using me for their needs and purposes

previous friend group was always talking about everyone else's problems--for hours, days, weeks on end. nothing ever changing.

when i brought my stuff up it halted the entire conversation

i would complain and get nothing in response.

someone else in the group would, out of the blue, make a big request or set a big boundary and it was no problem

but my small requests, discomforts, and boundaries were always treated as Too Much.

and previously i've always thought--it's partly my fault, partly the fault of all friends i've had, that friends always relied on me and sought my advice and instruction and wanted me to do things for them, but didn't ever want to do things for me.

but i'm also realizing now--

well i mean i sort of have always known as well, but in general people. don't take an interest in the things i'm interested in. they don't want to hear about it or listen to me talk abt it.

my mom is the only person who puts up with my infodumping, and she does her Mom's Best. most of the time i don't feel awful. when i try to stop talking bc i feel annoying sometimes she'll ask a question to keep me talking.

haha okay i'm just crying now??? idk.

anyway. it's nice. i still feel deeply annoying. and it's not bc she treats me that way in those moments, it's bc i know she's not truly interested, and also bc at other times, when she's angry or hurt or triggered by something, her resentment towards me comes out. and so when she's being nice abt my special interests and infodumping, i guess part of me is like. she's being nice, but she's just being nice. bc she loves me and cares abt me. but it is. a kind of emotional chore.

so anyway there's that detour.

point being all those posts online "i love when people infodump at me i love seeing how happy and excited they are i love learning new things"

WHERE ARE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE?! I'VE NEVER MET ONE OF YOU. EVER. IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

okay another detour over, sorry.

i'm just now thinking. about friends and friendship again.

i get mad when i can help someone and they don't tell me or ask me. or they don't even give me a chance.

i get MAD. i get so panicked and hurt and upset and confused. idk how to describe the feeling. it's. Big.

it's just Big and Loud and Intense.

when i can help someone and they don't let me know they need help, or they refuse my help when i offer, or they don't ask and i have to come in media res to help out after they've already hurt themselves or overextended themselves, when i could be there for someone and they don't reach out.

i get. That Really Big Feeling. and it's bad and i don't like it.

and i'm frustrated and thinking bc like. part of me is someone who can't handle not being able to help people.

i am disabled and poor and my various abilities are very limited. i cannot do a lot of things that would help a lot of people.

it crushes me. i don't like that feeling. nobody does.

and i care so so so deeply abt the ppl i love.

and--

and we're back to this bit where i don't allow myself to get invested in friends and relationships bc again, i've always been Too Much for ppl.

if i msg too often, ask too many things, open up too much, want to hang out too often, want to share everything w them and be close and. it's Too Much.

and being a queer kid, i couldn't be clingy and huggy w my friends bc it was seen as creepy and gay.

i just. didn't get to hug anyone v much. i had to hide and suppress a lot of my affection. both bc i'm queer and autistic, so it always read as Too Much and Weird.

and it's just very weird to go through life most of the time feeling next to nothing abt other people. bc i've shut that off. and if i turned it on and allowed myself to feel i'd just be a mess, constantly, all the time.

bc if i feel those things then it makes it even harder to deal with what got me Thinking in the first place--

that i'm not a priority in any of my friends' lives.

and it's weird and shitty this time bc now, for several months, i am not even the person that any of them turn to first for help.

so my ONE way to be in contact w friends & feel helpful? is not available to me bc i am not a priority--and i'm not in their list of first responders.

i am not number one. i am not anywhere in the top five.

i'm someone they occasionally think about. or only think about in a certain capacity.

mainly, rn, their DM. or the person who offers compliments. or the person who spams the discord like an annoying bastard w stupid things that no one gives a single solitary FUCK about, and so they ignore.

so it's the double whammy

i don't even get to FEEL something about them ~only using me for advice and support~ and never engaging w my interests or offering to support me

bc they're not even asking me for advice or support

and i'm just realizing how little i matter

and how many other people they have who are more immediate, more important, closer to them--who they just plain like more

and i have no way of finding any other friends

and i'm sort of spiraling

i thought i had. The Friend Group. like i was set. i was so excited and--looking back. ha.

part of what began to drive the stake between us was my Too Muchness.

apart from some red flags i was ignoring, it seemed like we were all in for each other. there were so many things we wanted to do! plans we were making!

we went on a vacation together, which was HUGE for me, w my overwhelming fear of road trips (hard to explain, not what immediately comes to mind), general anxiety abt being away from home, and lack of Comfort around ppl other than my mom. and i thought it went really well! it seemed like it!

but then i went to grad school and they thought i was an elitist traitor or something? that i thought i was better than them? i literally don't know bc they never told me or admitted to any of their actions or feelings so i've been left to guesswork to fill in the blanks.

but the other part of it was--

i so wanted. to do all those things with them. they were a top priority for me. they were involved in the way i was planning literally the future, years out ahead in my life. that's how i was thinking abt my future. with them in it.

and i just remember one time we went out to eat (which they forced me to do even though i fucking hated it and just wanted to hang out with them and not spend money or be around other loud people) and at that time they revealed that they had plans to move in together (three of them) and they hadn't told me but they'd told the friend in virginia.

they talked abt being concerned abt that friend in virginia--but not me, off in minnesota.

and they mentioned a summer vacation. and i said oh wow that sounds awesome, i love that place. do you think we could do another trip like last time? would that be possible? or maybe just one like it some other time?

and i was so excited and enthused abt it. ME! EXCITED ABT VACATIONING W PEOPLE OTHER THAN MY FAMILY!

and looking back i can see how offput they were (mainly one of them) w that suggestion. they found it distasteful and were humoring me.

of course, covid hit and everything fell apart, so it never happened. lucky them. they went on many trips together after that. i know bc i haven't unfollowed or blocked all of them on social media. they're not often on it so it doesn't matter too much.

but they've posted abt their other trips together.

including one BEFORE i had "left the group" that they just. didn't tell or ask me about.

but i was Too Much for them.

despite everything--despite putting up with their treatment of me and not even noticing it was wrong or bad--i was so excited to just spend more time w them and build my future plans involving and around them.

and even though THEY were the ones that started it...

me doing it was Too Much.

and now i have this group

and the group has splintered bc three of them roomed together and it went Very Weird

and now there's literal hatred and animosity btwn a couple of them

which has meant that for the first few miss frizzle games, all i got hanging w the ones i'm closer to afterwards was just an endless stream of angry complaints abt the other players--

even when i thought everything was fine and had gone well.

yes, even i get frustrated w those two players sometimes. but this last session went really well and the story's picking up and i'm excited for it. and i just--the things that have made me frustrated. i've gotten over. or i've said something in a funny way to make the complaint/dislike clear so we can laugh abt it and move on and it won't get repeated. and it's worked.

but i'm just.

it used to be that we could all chat in the discord sometimes

then that group fell apart

and then 3 of them were like "hey let's make our own server and hang out there"

and it was good for a while

and now it's radio silent, same as before

a few memes or tiktoks

but i'm the one in there most of the time

trying to start conversations and share things

and getting no response

and they're all going through shit, i know

but only loosely

because none of them fucking talk to me

i was called a best friend by one of them and now i'm not even on the list of ppl to inform abt her life. to complain to. to chat w. for months now.

and honestly i'm just so sad and tired and lonely over never having any responses to anything i put in the discord that i just--

i know they're all tired and overwhelmed. i know.

so i don't reach out asking abt that stuff.

if they wanted to complain to me or get my support, they would ask.

and i know that bc that's how it's been in the past.

but they're all in their own spaces and places w their own ppl who are. more enmeshed in their lives. more important. more everything.

and i'm just the annoying shithead who's like 5-6 years older than them just posting stupid shit in the discord for them to ignore.

and one of them bailed 15 mins before our miss frizzle game this past sunday, after having told me they could come and play. i also had set the expectation that ppl tell me if they can't make it w a few days' heads up, bc i need to be able to prepare. we could survive a couple ppl missing a class/game session here or there, it would be okay. and obviously shit happens last minute, so that's fine.

and i absolutely understand that they're going through the Pits of Depression Hell, rn.

but i only get it vaguely bc they don't talk to me. i am not an important or close friend.

i'm not saying that to insult them or myself. it's just true. i am not an important or close friend, for them.

but i asked them--on the off chance--if they might want to sit in on the session, since this "class" was going to be two gaming sessions, and if they could make it to the next one, i'd want them to know what was going on or lemme know any choices they made.

and i said either way, we'd just retcon that their character was there, no problem.

their response sounded. so fucking mad at me. "god i'm fucking sorry i went back to sleep. he's [the PC] basically plant life it's fine"

i didn't say

"hey fuck you for not showing up"

i asked if they'd wanna sit in the group and observe

partly bc sometimes sleeping curled up in a depression pit makes things worse, and partly just so it was easier for them to rejoin in the next session.

bc like. reading an entire game session summary is also a lot. and these players. have a hard time reading ANYTHING i send them. they do it. they manage it. just enough. oddly, the players i anticipated having the most trouble w that are the ones doing the best--my expectations have been flipped.

but i figured sitting in the zoom room might be vaguely entertaining background noise (w camera & mic off!) and they could pick up next session easier, and maybe being around ppl they generally like would be a little bit of a pickmeup.

but instead my question/offer was seen as. angry? needling? judgmental? idfk.

my response was me pretending nothing was wrong bc they had voiced nothing to indicate that anything WAS wrong, and i'm having to work on not interpreting things from ppl when they haven't communicated anything to me. if someone is upset w me or if i hurt them, they HAVE TO TELL ME or i cannot do anything abt it. it's not fair to either of us to expect me to psychically divine every time something is wrong.

and they responded in kind.

but i'm just like.

what the fuck?

you don't talk to me. you don't respond to anything i say. you said, before this campaign ever began, that you "just want a campaign that actually happens"

and then 15 mins before the game you bail--when i have to calculate and balance encounters for a certain number of players AHEAD OF TIME. when i have to spent a lot of time preparing roleplay scenes and information to give your character.

so i'm kind of scrambling, yeah, and hoping that maybe you'll sit in on the session--NOT PLAY! NOT TALK! NOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH PARTICIPATING AT ALL SOCIALLY OR IN THE GAME!--so that it's easier for BOTH OF US to prepare for the next session

because now i have to type up a whole game summary to fill them in on what they missed

assuming, of course, that they don't bail on the next game 15 mins beforehand

i just. i understand that things happened.

but i quite literally went into the discord w just the 3 of them who were like "let's all be friends in here!" and then proceeded to fucking ignore me

and i said basically--

'hey what's the vibe? how are y'all feeling abt the campaign and playing in it, rn? bc i'd be fine hitting pause until y'all felt more ready to participate. we could do oneshots and jackbox game sessions, instead, for a few weeks or a couple months, and then jump right back in. bc i have this campaign literally outlined through to the end, so we WILL complete it. we're NOT bailing on it. lol but we could hit pause if need be. bc this game is a lot of work, and i want y'all to be there in such a way that you can enjoy it. i don't want y'all to miss out or not be present mind-wise. so if we need to hit pause, let's do that.'

and to be clear, no one had communicated ANYTHING to me.

but that was sort of the point.

radio silence.

how am i supposed to interpret that? what am i supposed to do with that, except infer that i should ask them how things are going?

they won't talk to me about their lives, maybe they'll fucking talk to me about this game that THEY wanted to happen. that THEY are invested in. that THEY requested have a large, overarching story and lots of roleplay.

no one directly engaged w anything i said. they both responded abt the upcoming game, and that was it. said they'd check in by friday.

i had to remind them and ask explicitly to get a response friday at like 5 fucking pm

and if that doesn't say it all abt where their priorities are right now

which--

WOULD BE FUCKING FINE

IF THEY WOULD JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME

but they don't and won't.

and here i sit capable of only feeling so many emotions.

if they're (the one who responded as such above) mad at me for being too "businesslike" abt the game, despite me not being a dick abt it and saying it was fine either way, then i'm sorry

but maybe try actually fucking talking to me AT ALL abt ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE GAME so that way it actually feels like maybe we're friends

instead of me being an unpaid DM doing a LOT of fucking work for a group of people who don't particularly care abt me or my wellbeing or the work i'm putting in

and who have lives and friends and family and other shit that's infinitely more important than me

and to circle back around, part of the reason i was so. baffled and confused--and i didn't even have the space or capacity to process and feel that at first--by the angry response to my offer/question

is because

if it's that bad

why are you isolating away from me?

i can't DO anything for you if you don't talk to me! if you don't fucking say anything!

i'm trying to reach out these stupid little branches for fun little moments of conversation and goofiness and what have you

and just. no takers. no response. no nothing.

and idk what their life is like bc they don't talk to me.

none of the three really talk to me.

and forget the other three players, i NEVER talk to them. i am just someone who DMs for them.

they don't ask abt my life or anything. we don't talk abt it.

i don't have a friend group.

i have a group of people, half of whom claim that i am their friend and do nothing to demonstrate it, that i DM for and work my ass of for, and i get nothing in return.

i just wanted them to have fun.

and this last session went so well

but that's it. that's all the time i have to talk to these ppl.

my requests that we hang out more--forgotten for weeks, so i don't bring it up again. bc i have ALWAYS been the one asking.

only to find out, every time throughout my life, that they were all hanging out without me anyway. that i'm just annoying.

i'm Too Much. they don't like me. they don't want me.

and when they do, it's just for advice or support or to use me for something, like DMing.

that's it.

and when we talk abt the game i get excited bc i work so hard on it and i care abt it so much and this is my FIRST TIME EVER DMing for a longform campaign

i have so many hundreds of pages written, so many maps made, so many characters and plots and stories to keep track of

because they asked me to

an option for this campaign was for it to be a monster of the week type thing. no overarching plot. no outer worlds. just a new class each week, everything's fine, then the class ends, end of campaign.

but they wanted an overarching story. and i made it. really big. and, i hope, really cool. really interesting and exciting to try and figure out. something that they'll have fun pulling apart, that will be compelling when it's revealed--all of its itinerant pieces revealed and explained, one by one, over the course of the campaign.

and i just.

want friends.

period.

but also, friends with whom i can get really excited abt this campaign.

and i offered to pause the campaign so everyone could rejoin properly.

and so far the one who bailed 15 mins before--btw, going through diff med changes which are ALWAYS difficult, and didn't fucking think to tell me until i'd had to explicitly ask abt attendance and scheduling like a fucking pain in the ass HR manager or teacher scolding them--has said nothing abt it.

bc they just don't fucking talk to me.

but clearly they need the time as well

and what, they think that despite the fact that i have the entire campaign outlined, that i'll bail on it?

meanwhile the three i was worried abt bailing on the game are fully in, and the three who claimed to be completely in and want this most are not able to be in it, right now. and won't communicate that to me.

i mean to be fair it's really only two of them at the moment.

but now i'm just going down this whole again where i get worked up about the campaign.

but i'm just. realizing. that part of the anger and frustration--which i have to emphasize is not AT any of them--is bc.

they don't need/want me as a friend.

i am not important outside of the game.

and now the game is not even in their top 5 priorities--and i understand why.

but now it's like

they don't ask me for help or support

they don't care abt the things i say

they don't want to have fun conversations or times with me

and they can't be there for this game that i am working so fucking hard on for them

i am making this game for them.

it's really, REALLY hard for my brain to do this. i can't judge if i'm saying too much or not enough. if i'm making something disappointing and boring. i can't tell if they're actually enjoying it, or if the few of them who say "that was fun, thanks, beck!" are humoring me or if they really mean it.

i can't tell if this is exciting and cool. if they like the NPCs. if they like the other PCs and the roleplaying. if they see the mystery. if they're invested.

i can't tell.

and i get little hints that, maybe they are?

and so i worry i'm just in my head abt this, that i'm making this game for me.

i want to have fun, too.

but all of the things i'm doing--i'm doing bc they asked me to.

i offered a miss frizzle game.

i decided i needed to make the world for it.

i asked them what they wanted from the game

and after a lot of fucking pestering they FINALLY told me what they wanted (bc it took them forever to fill out a 4 question survey where the answer could be "nope i'm good!" to basically all the fucking questions, takes 5 mins at most)

and i took that to heart

and i built a world and a plan and a campaign around that

i worked to find ways to connect everything to each of their characters

i've put so much into this

and i'm just

feeling really confused and conflicted

bc no one wants me.

they maybe want me as a DM. maybe.

and that requires. so much work on my part.

and i don't get. any actual friendship from them.

i don't even get to help them with their problems or talk to them abt stuff. i don't even get that anymore.

i feel annoying trying to talk abt the game between sessions. like i'm annoying all of them.

and i just--

this is part of why i resent being told to reach out and be interested in other people

they find me annoying and creepy and Too Much

bc i love other people

as much as i say i hate them

i hate them bc they hate me

i wanted to just read my book and go to fucking sleep early tonight and instead i've been sitting here for an hour crying and typing this up.

and for what?

it changes nothing.

and then fuck me, too, for the times when i'm too tired to want to be engage in a full conversation.

or i'm wary of replying too quickly to something bc what if i'm being annoying or overwhelming?

worrying with every message i send that i've done something wrong. bc isn't that always the case?

and so i want to respond when i feel good enough to respond w the right tone and it's not forced or fake.

bc i guess i'm still trying to perform the interesting agreeable cool funny friend

even talking abt problems i don't talk abt anything that someone can't relate to at all.

and things in my life are so nebulous and weird anyway.

no one could "offer support", right, so why do i even want or miss it?

it's just stupid. i'm tired of being 28 fucking years old and still having to deal with shit like this.

and all those "life gets better in your 30s"

do you SEE the world?

i'll be lucky if i even make it to 40.

not even by my own hand. just everything else.

"there's always time to start what you wanna do"

that's a nice sentiment. it's even true a lot of the time.

when there's not a pandemic. when you have money. and friends. and opportunities and options in front of you. and no disabilities.

i'm just being stupid and shitty and negative now.

but i sort of resent anything that makes me feel fulfilled or alive rn bc then the crash back to earth hurts even worse.

the absence of everything else the majority of the time feels even worse.

and i'm not going to talk to ANY of them abt this bc what would be the point?

they're not in a place to handle a conversation like that w any grace. i'm not even MAD at them! they haven't deliberately done anything wrong, they're just struggling! a lot!

and last time i tried to have a conversation abt things that i was worried abt or hurt by or just wanted to clear up, everything imploded around me and i ended up ghosted and abandoned and blamed for everything.

shit's already empty and absent enough without me throwing dynamite at it and making it worse.

it's just that normally the effort i put into a friendship is immaterial.

but now i'm DMing this game and the effort is very material.

and now i'm feeling it more accutely.

and i can't do anything abt it.

i just.

hanging out w friends makes me feel better. and i KNOW that's the case for most people.

and here i am, trying to make that happen in a low stakes way just talking in discord.

and still nothing.

just.

nothing.

i'm a bad person for trying. for asking. for wanting.

i can't help if i don't know, if they don't tell me.

but they don't want me to ask. bc they don't respond to anything i say, at this point.

enough to know they're alive. and that's abt it.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

me a full season after 5x05 - 5x07

[hoe4rairai]

Imagine this one :

Raian's sister Fusui has a best friend and her name is Odette.

Odette, is a half Kure and she moved back with her mom to the Kure village. Her mom is a Kure her dad is not. What happened to her dad though is a mystery only her mom can explain with a wild grin !!!!!! . Odette, wasn't blessed with the Kure eyes but the girl has a nasty side to her.

So who is Odette and what is her relationship with Raian, you ask 🙃 ????

Ohh well , let's say they both on each others' cases, since she was 16 and he was 20 that's when she returned back to the kure village. Had been bullied because of her mixed blood but her mom was diligent to teach her everything she knew about the kure techniques, she proved her worth around the village, she isn't the violent type though she is unstoppable if she was provoked ...

She is 165 cm and 50 kgs , literally half Raian in size, very light with her movements, fast enough for a normal human to catch up. She mastered few fighting styles , aced in using guns, sniper rifles ( she accompanied Fusui on several missions and done exceptionally well ) she also mastered the ancient Japanese sword technique called Kenjutsu ( which is her preferred method of killing / fighting ).

She has sleek long thick black hair ( and it always smelled so good ) Raian once twisted her ponytail around his foraem and pulled her away from fighting someone who called her a fake kure while laughing at her angry face! Telling her he is right, only for her to turn around facing him trying to punch him in the face but before she knew it he smacked her head into his chest hard enough for her eyes to tear up, he lowerd his head to level up with her's and like the cocky bastard that he is with a serious face and gravelly voice he said : ( u fuckin dare doll face ??? ) , his eyes pierced her soul, one thing for sure though she lost her breath when he almost touched her lips ... her eyes are jet black and although they don't glow in the dark, they actually have an intense shine to them when she gets very excited or rather terrified in this case.

She is a girl after all, loves to dress up and go partying with her besti Fusui . They both got each others' back and Raian to her is someone she has a crush on but hates to admit, ever since the very first day she saw him at the camp ramming someone to the ground effortlessly.

So who is she to Raian... a F*king useless human looking doll that has kure blood but ugly eyes. He hates them ( that's what he wants her to believe though, reality could be different) , he ones told her with his cold hyena voice how he wishes to pull her ugly eyes out of her ( Raian had always been that man who like to provoke others but with Odette, he enjoys to see her reactions and use any chance he gets to see her upset and close to tears ... Why ??? Well her eyes shine like black pearls )

To him, she is a brat who can get the lion bite to a decent percentage but has no ability for the removal ...HE WAS F*ING WRONG ... Raian teases her everytime he sees her at their home whenever he isn't on a mission when she visits Fusui and they just get on with their cat fights . Yall know what that means right ..... !!!

Fusui can see it in the air, Raian is a fucking fuck to admit and Odette is just ignorant but aware of how her body reacts when Raian comes close and he does everytime on purpose but because he loves the blush on her face everytime he gets uncomfortably close .

Odette isn't an alpha but she can and will put any average man down in a hot minute. Raian is the only man that she can't even look him in the eyes nor think straight around him.

Raian, has hell of a strong six sense and he is smarter than ppl think, he knows and for once he is curios about this intruder freaky looking Kure...

How this will develop. She likes him, he knows but he loves more than anything to provoke her, to get reactions out of her, he likes it when she reacts back, he likes her but he will test her waters the hardest and in the most unpredictable ways.

Odette is sensitive though but mastered the poker face, Fusui knows and she is trying to help her going out with other nicer guys and to forget about her brorther because ( OHH WELL ITS RAIAN AFTER ALL ) until one night Raian saw her with a boy at a park around the kure village ......

SHIT .....

[fandomshatewomen]

Eleven just start to have friends for 1 week and they already put romance to her life, it's like 10 years old boys and girls can't be friends. PS: Stranger Things episodes has people saying the f slur and there's no LGBT rep but they made Eleven to hate other 10 years old girl bc Max talked to Mike (I know some ppl said she felt abandoned by Mike but why she just get mad at Max and not to Mike?)

They’re in middle school. Seventh grade is as young as 11 but usually they’re usually 12 by the time they enter seventh grade. A 12 year old, while still CERTAINLY a child, is different than 10 yo because hormones.

Canonically, we know El is 12 (S1E7, I think? established that El’s mom spent seven years fighting to get her back but gave up five years ago). I taught both age brackets my first year at sub, and I feel the need to point out the difference. Ten year old are still deep in the cooties stage, but getting a significant other is at the top of the middle school to-do list, bless their confused, intense little hearts.

Other than that, I 100000% agree with you. El really does not need to be shoved at Mike like that. She needs intensive therapy, reliable friends, and a genuinely loving home. As much as I like Mike, he should be her friend and keep his crush to himself.

Also, we all know why El hates Max. Getting a boy’s attention is a competition between girls in media, always and forever.

Also also, re: the homophobia - fucking ew. WHY.

KG