#like really brain?? couldnt do this when i was awake

[thetimelordbatgirl]

Generally love how when I try to get any sleep, my brain can suddenly come up with ideas for writing, in tonight's case being a transformers fic first ep that I've been meaning to re-plan.

[silouvertongues]

in the trenches these days fr

[endereies]

Fuck it - Matt Sturniolo - Part 8

Spotify playlist:

Summary: Fem!oc x Matt Sturniolo

Growing up with parents who make her feel isolated, what happens when she meets Matt. A person who introduces her to new people, new experiences and new feelings.

Authors notes:

sorry this took like two weeks to finish, school was stressing me out and i couldnt bring myself to write anything major sooo

Warnings: swearing, idfk at this point lol

Word count: 2074

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

“Is this something we are meant to do?”

“Fuck it.”

“Jesus Matt, what took you so lo- oh.” Chris turns to face me, meeting my exhausted expression as I rubbed my face. “Rough night?”

“Alyia and I were messaging all night; I think I slept…? Maybe an hour at best” My eyes immediately side eye Chris when I see him start to smirk at me. “Oh, shut up Chris. At least I’m talking to a girl”

“Nick is quick to stop our bickering by setting some food down in front of Chris and I, one by one. My body slumps down to the chair next to me, my head heavily hitting the pillow underneath me.

I raise an eyebrow to Nick, adjusting myself slowly in my seat.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t fucking burn it this time...” I smile to myself when I hear his sighs, tired of me bringing it up. Nick returns to the kitchen counter to get his own share of waffles, along with some syrup he had previously subsided for himself.

“So, what were you and Alyia chatting about?” Chris’s words emit around and mouth full of food, making me grimace before I think about my answer.

“Just, stuff I guess…nothing special.” An arm leans over my body to pick up a waffle that I then dip into some extra syrup that had dripped off.

“Don’t look at me like that Chris, I can fucking feel you staring.” I glare over to Chris, his eyes already staring into mine. “What…you meet a girl and suddenly you stay out late with her in random places that you wont even tell us about, and you stay up all night talking over the phone with her. You can’t tell me that’s not weird.

“That’s not weird.” I simply roll my eyes once he starts his typical mocking.

“You have to admit Matt, this is really uncommon for you, you don’t even do that with Nate half the time.” Nick shrugs his shoulders, keeping his gaze towards his food.

“Why do you encourage him, Nick…” I let a sigh brush pass my lips and roll my eyes.

Nick goes to speak again but the chime of my phone interrupts him.

Alyia🎸:

‘Hey Matt, are we still down for practice today?’

“Lemme guess, that’s Alyia” Instantly, Chris chimes in and I glare at him again. He instantly holds his hands up by his head in defence, standing up to take his plate to the kitchen. My phone chimes again and I pick it up to respond, I feel Nick’s eyes on me again, so I look at him. I nod my head reluctantly at him showing that Chris was right, not that I would admit that to him.

-

“Hey! Glad to know you came, I didn’t know if you would after the amount that I kept you up last night.” Her words see to mumble as her body becomes closed off to me.

“It’s fine, I’m just surprised that my parents or brothers yelled at me this morning for being awake so long.” A clear attempt at a joke is made yet her tight-lipped smile made me regret my choice of words. “Oh… sorry I didn’t mean to.”

“Don’t worry about it, Matt, I’m fairly used to their distancing at this point to be honest, I don’t want you to apologize for anything.” Her smile changes to one of sincerity, making me return it back.

“I just feel bad…you know?”

“Why?” The genuine curiosity confused me. “I have learnt to adapt to them; besides I have some pretty awesome people around me, I’m not in complete solitude.”

Her words linger in my brain, perhaps more than they should.

I’ve learnt to adapt to them.

It sounded too nonchalant for a sentence of high intensity. I had seen this happen multiple times now, especially around her mom. Only, I simply never wanted to pry. The night she stayed over for the first time, her mom called her. The contact’s name was a start, her full legal name was on show with no emojis or care. I thought it was odd but when the voices transferred and mingled over the phone it began a little too clear, no matter how hard she had tried to hide it. The mood swings when she was mentioned was one that I had grown unexpectedly familiar too. I had tried to avoid that topic whenever I could and luckily Nick and Chris hadn’t mentioned it either.

“Matt?”

“Huh? Oh, sorry…” My hand subconsciously rubs the back of neck before wrapping around the chain of my necklace. “What did you say?”

“I was just wondering if you wanted to try any of the songs we mentioned last night.”

-

I couldn’t shake this morning all that well, I didn’t know why either. She wasn’t saying anything in a way to make me question it. I didn’t even know the entire story, but I knew enough.

“Uhm, excuse me? You’re Matthew, right?” A steady voice came from beside me as I walked, dragging me from my thoughts. My body turns to face where the sound comes from, and I notice a boy about my age walking by my side.

“Yeah? Can I help you.” I slow my pace down to a more comfortable pace and I pay attention to him, the slight smile below the glasses which round his face, the darker skin matching his black hair which was tied into loose dreads. He wore a lot of leather, patched with badges and band logos which for the most part were recognisable to me.

“Actually yeah, were you the one who played drums at the talent show two or so months ago?”

“With Damien, Jess and Martha? I was, why?” I get intrigued the more I listen to his voice and the rasps that emit every few words.

“Miss Ackley has been putting together some type of music club shit, after school! She asked a few of us to get together some people who might be interested in joining a band or any form of music club to enhance skill.” His words ramble together, and I try and comprehend them as best as I can.

“Like a band camp?” My eyebrow raises at him, and we pause when I reach my locker, trying to show my interest while putting the pin for it in.

“Sorta, we are planning a ‘band camp’ trip for the end of the year but for now it’s a space to form bands and people to adapt our skill sets in.” He can tell I’m hesitant over this, I mean this is what I have Alyia for, right?

“We aren’t looking for any answers today, simply that you consider it. And if it isn’t your ideal situation, then you could share this to anyone who might be interested.” A flyer stands between me and the boy, decorated in deep yellows and blues spreading behind multiple instruments and equipment.

“I’ll have a look into that, thanks.”

“Of course, if you have any questions about it, my number is at the bottom of that sheet.” He beams at me, and I just look down to find the number, taking my time since my lack of sleep affects my vision.

After that he walks away with a small wave from his wrist, but my gaze heavily remains on the paper in my hand. Everything seems manually drawn to match each other and I admire the colours and patterns before my eyes trace the text. My body walks forward towards the music room, letting muscle memory take over while I keep reading over things. After a paragraph or so I look at the number again and notice a name marked next to it – Benjamin.

My hand reaches the door handle and I push it open to meet Alyia. Her hands tracing over each string gently to produce a small hum, barely audible from her headphones. I stand there for a bit watching her play, she just seemed so relaxed but that could just be the lack of sleep. The small hair stands which fall slowly don’t seem to bother her as she keeps strumming softly.

“Are you going to keep staring or what” her voice grabs my attention even though her body doesn’t change position until her sentence is over.

“Oh, uhm sorry.” I mutter before swiftly moving and shutting the door behind me, placing my bag next to the leather seats.

“Have you been handed one of these yet?” I lay the sheet onto the seat next to her and watch as she stops playing and sets down her guitar. Her headphones now rest on her neck as she scans the paper.

“What is this?” She shoots a confused look at me, but I try not to pay too much attention to it.

“Just read it and find out…” I playfully roll my eyes at Alyia and move to sit over by my drum kit.

“Band camp? That’s some corny shit, don’t tell me you’re going to that ‘camp rock’ shit.” She tries to joke but her face falters when I don’t reciprocate her smile.

“Actually, I was…and it’s not ‘camp rock’. It’s a social place to help practice with other people, and then a summer camp at the end of the year to go and meet professionals and go to a festival to perform.”

“Oh...my bad.” A brief and awkward silence falls over us until I decide to speak again.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to join me but…” I swing side to side on my chair as my voice dims down.

“Matt, I don’t like crowds and besides I practice solo. This isn’t something I am exactly interested in.”

“You practice with me fine enough?” I try and convince her a little, but she only rolls her eyes at me.

“You’re different, you know that.” She pauses abruptly to stare me noticing my immediate smile. “Don’t let that get your head.”

“Too late for that.” I remain smirking at her, but Alyia just glares at me back, I move past that pretty quick and relax my body down on my seat.

“C’mon” I drag out the syllables as I talk, getting up to stand in front of her. “It could be real fun, extra practice between us…and other people of course.”

“Okay. Don’t say it like that first of all.” Her voice quiets after her words and I attempt to gain her attention back with a slight wave of my hand.

“And second?” my face relaxes from its previous smile and changes to a more curious one.

“Second of all…I’ll think about it…” Alyia’s words soften and are quiet due to her admission.

“Yes!” my stupid smile is met with her own as I jump from my seat and pick up the information sheet by her side and start to ramble through the text.

Alyia pov:

I don’t even know why I had given in to matt so easily, but I guess I just didn’t want to let him down. He seemed so excited and yet I wasn’t, I can’t remember the last time I ever played music in front of anyone, except Matt. The more he rambled next to me, the less of his words I remembered. I heard his voice clearly, but I was internally planning what situations might arise if I did show up. It didn’t seem like a lot but as someone who has been separated from people most of their life, this was a big deal.

The bell rang and made both Matt and I jump at the sudden sound that echoed through the hallways.

Matt grabs a few of his things and places them back into his bag and slides the sheet back over to rest next to my leg.

“Promise me you’ll consider it? At least…” his eyes stare into mine, almost begging me to think about it, as if he can’t handle his own in a small crowd of people.

“Fine. Only because you asked me alright?” I stand up and swing my bag over my shoulder.

“Thanks, sweetheart.” The nickname catches me off guard, like it has every other time, and he smiles at the shocked expression on my face and walks away quickly.

My body stays still in its position for a short while longer, processing the nickname. He hasn’t done it without some sort of comforting context to it and this was different.

And in public.

@melliflws @axolotllover225 @yuhayeee @st7rnioioss @sturn-bugz @sturniolosmind @worldlxvlys @patscorner @breeloveschris @y0urm4m @bernardsbendystraws @junnniiieee07 @raysmayhem-72 @luverboychris

[mbat]

i literally read the book of bill days ago but its only now kinda hitting me how fucked ford and bills whole thing was though cause ford literally talks about being so unable to sleep (to try to keep bill away), and when sleep inevitably caught up to him, he would wake up to his body abused and things messed with and he just couldnt seem to find an escape (and he literally didnt get to truly escape until 30 years later)

(also keeping people awake for unhealthily long periods of time is another tactic used to mess with and control people because of how it impairs brain function)

listing off the things we see in those few pages in the book of bill:

i mean, punching and scratching at a steel door for hours would be so damaging to your hands and probably hurt like hell for at least 2 days after. then bill says he was hitting fords head against a wall, though its said in a post-it as if its a joke, but he also isnt exactly above doing that, and honestly he says most things like its a joke.

i also dont need to say 'bill really doesnt know how to take no for an answer' because he makes that very clear in literally any interaction we see with him.

bill literally puts a venomous snake near ford while fords asleep, which could have killed him if he wasnt lucky+skilled enough to deal with it.

he nearly gives ford hypothermia, and in the same action actively threatens ford with the idea of making him jump off of a high spot, and like ford says, doesnt do it just so he can send a message to ford about how hes the one in control.

he gets ford in trouble with not only the law, but also with other people that are probably not very happy with him after. he mutilates fords body in several ways, and i dont think i need to go into detail on them because theyre... so ew. and he even exposes part of fords body to the world. like, its just taking his shirt off, but thats still showing off his body in a way that he didnt agree to or want

and then he attempts to (or purposefully fails to) call stan, using fords voice to threaten suicide and tell stan that ford never loved him.

and he punctuates it with a final power move, in a hallucination that he creates, hes messing with stans memories and making him feel like his body was basically about to implode

and like. okay, we all joke about toxic old man yaoi, and its a good joke and toxic old man yaoi is great and its an interesting ship, but holy fuck.

like. to say the absolute least, that had to be so, so deeply violating. its no wonder that when we see ford in the past, when he finally contacts stan, he looks like hes on the verge of shattering into a million pieces. he just went through, and still wasnt yet out of, some deeply abusive shit.

like... everything coming out lately both in this book and what ive heard is on the website, mixed with what we already knew from the show itself... the stans are both so, so fucking tragic dude. their whole lives were thrown away over things that really didnt even need to be the way they were, and then they both get into situations that are pretty damn screwed, and those situations follow them for the rest of their lives. its basically a miracle that things worked out in the end for them.

i dont really have a point, i just had to talk about all that. i read almost all of the book of bill in one sitting, and while i was really enjoying it, i was also getting kind of tired of sitting in one spot only doing this one thing for several hours straight. i still felt a lot of the emotional bits of it of course, but man this part specifically just really didnt hit me until now.

i mean, to say the absolute least, i know what its like to feel violated in a similar way, though not anywhere near to the extent of what he went through at all. someone get that man some therapy got damn

[bizlybebo]

haha i wonder what silly adventure i write out this time!!

bizly: okay so you guys all fuckin, get in marks car, and-

grizzly: what songs he got playing?

charlie: (quick giggle) yeah, is it taylor swift this time?

bizly: HE IS NOT PLAYING TAYLOR SWIFT

condi: thank god

will: hey mark i didnt know you liked bad blood!

bizly: NO, IM NOT DOING THIS BIT, YOU GUYS DRIVE THERE IN SILENCE

yakko: ashe is playing his playlist

bizly: yeah, ashe you have the headphones on, its like…

yakko: car seat headrest

bizly: sure, whatever

("hey, space cadet" from car seat headrest starts playing faintly in the background)

bizly: as you guys get in, and your driving there, probably staring out the window

grizzly: dakota is just criss cross apple sauce in the middle, just meddling with his thumbs in his lap

bizly: and as you're staring down at your lap dakota, and out the windows vyncent and william, you cant help but reminise on your first visit here. being led into that lab, fighting what seemed like a hopeless battle, and winning with a cost. the o-

grizzly: dako- oh sorry

bizly: no, no, go ahead

grizzly: dakota is thinking about all those heroes who were waiting outside, the ones who di- couldnt help them, and how he failed to help with the trickster, and he looks up, over to ashe.

bizly: do you say anything to him?

grizzly: no, he just looks at him, the back of his head, not trying to get his attention or anything.

charlie: will glances over at dakota, kinda trying to see what hes thinking.

grizzly: hes thinking about that first time, obviously-

will: dakota? you good buddy?

dakota: uh, yeah. yeah.

will: it couldnt have gone differently, you know.

dakota: yeah.

bizly: you two are having this little talk- condi is vyncent-

condi: vyncents just letting himself think these thoughts

bizly: alright, ashe, you remember, what to you, was the last time you felt really, awake, and like your brain wasnt really malfunctioning or something. and you remember that familiar feeling, that one of losing touch, losing control, of your body, of yourself. you knew in the end, there wasnt a way to fight back against this, this force, and yet you tried, and the reasons you tried your sitting next to in this car.

yakko: can i look over at mark?

bizly: mark is focusing on the road, pretty focused on where hes going. you can tell he has some mixed feelings about this all.

yakko: and the guys in the back?

charlie: will has his arm around dakota, leaning and whispering to him.

grizzly: dakota has this like, pretty serious look on his face. hes quieter then normal as he and wiwi are talking.

condi: vyncents still looking out the window, maybe fiddling with a dagger absent-mindedly.

bizly: as you turn back around, you catch a glimpse of your hand, and in this moment does it truly register that the runes on them are no longer glowing, go-

yakko: to ashe, theyre not gone. he can see the faint lines on his hand of where they were.

bizly: and as your looking at these lines, you feel the car stop.

mark: we're here.

bizly: im assuming you all get out the car?

ashe: what? oh, okay, thanks dad.

mark: im gonna keep an eye on the car, you guys go in there, find what you can

will: we'll try our best

mark: be safe kid.

bizly: he looks at you ashe

ashe: its not easy with this group, but ill try

bizly: and you all head inside, and you get down there- it hasnt been changed from when you guys fought the overlord from what you can tell, nobodys bothered to fix the place up. theres no heroes set up here, no guards or anything, this place has been basically abandoned. its almost-

will: this place feels eerie like this.

bizly: yeah, exactly, as though your walking through the ghosts of the heroes here at this battle, the one that seemed to change everything. and you remember, just how big it felt, how giant the overlord was, how giant it all was. what do you all want to do first?

will: remember when our worst enemy was a crocodile- alligator man?

dakota: if we met him now, i could beat his ass, one hit

will: im sure you could dakota.

condi: vyncent is gonna look at the tubes, like the ones he and dakota got trapped in

bizly: they are completely destroyed, like theres bits of glass everywhere

vyncent: cant believe we were in one of these before, huh kota?

grizzly: yeah i was gonna say, dakota would look over with vyncent.

dakota: i could have broken out of it if i was stronger then.

vyncent: yeah. i dont think the greats appreciated being tubed.

bizly: so you two are gonna look through this area?

condi: yeah, well vyncent will

grizzly: ill help- dakota will look through with vyncent

bizly: alright, we'll get back to that. lets see whats going on with will, will! what we doing?

will (charlie forgot to turn off the will voice): will is gonna just get a general lay of the room for right now

bizly: alright, is that gonna be-

charlie: just what he can see right now

bizly: okay, so looking around, it looks very beat up, its a strange sort of deja vu, and you cant place your finger on it, but the situation makes you feel a bit like your back, in your brothers office-

condi: oh thats sick

bizly: -with alan and xavier and cantrip.

charlie: god….yeah. will just wipes a tear from his eye.

bizly: you do also catch onto a piece of something purple- and dakota youd see this too, its purple, what looks like cloth, stuck onto the glass of one of the tubes.

dakota: hey will, i found something!

will: yeah dakota?

charlie: ill go get a closer look at it.

bizly: so will, you would recognize it to be a piece of a purps suit.

charlie: of course, of fucking course it is-

bizly: and dakota, you would remember this to be a piece of your purp suit, one that got ripped off during your escape.

will: a pur- i thought we got rid of these before-

dakota: it- its mine.

grizzly: hes gonna pick it up and put it in his pocket.

charlie: yeah ill go to looking on the other side of the room then

bizly: alright, and yakko, whats going on with ashe?

yakko: ashe is gonna go for where the trickster first got summoned

bizly: as your walking up to it, that spot in the floor is charred to ashes.

grizzly: hah, like ashe!

yakko: ashe is gonna just, stare at it. remembering it all.

bizly: well, you find something too. as your looking at this burnt tile on the ground, you see a page, which you know is one from your book.

ashe: didnt know one fell out.

yakko: i pick up the page

bizly: you look at it, reading it, and its the page about that demon arm you summoned quite a bit, how you'd try to use it in combat even if it didn't always hit, i think it was pretty safe to say one of your strongest moves

yakko: and it just got left here. i pick it up.

ashe: maybe this time around i can do something a bit better with you.

yakko: and i put it into my pocket

bizly: and as you put it in there, everyone gets this sort of feeling, and you all look up at the crater in the wall. its the one where the overlord was. and as your all looking, a thought crosses your mind: when, did it get so small. when did the issue of the overlord, of even the planet that one time, become such an insignificant thing? what set the change up, to where you stopped being heroes in kid costumes, and became kids in hero costumes.

charlie: can we all like walk closer to it, like meet up over-

bizly: i say you can meet over by it, yeah, sure

grizzly: yeah, lets-

condi: vyncent would probably go closer, why not

vyncent: yknow, the whole reason the trickster came out and everything was because we thought this was where it was gonna end. how silly is that.

ashe: im glad it didnt.

dakota: it made us stronger, yknow, we grew from it! became like, actual heroes and stuff!

will: maybe we shouldnt have. for what its worth, im glad that i got to fight in the ends with you guys.

me, who broke into the studio because im a little rat: and THAT is where we're gonna end the scene

the whole council: kys

DUDUDEEEEE. WHEN I JOKED ABOUT US GHOSTWRITING SEASON 3 I DIDNT EXPECT THISSSSSS /INSANELY POS

the smaller mannerisms and stuff have me half-giggling and half-punching the wall. grizzly saying stuff like “the heroes that di- that couldn’t help them” and charlie being “stuck” in the william voice and the small comment about the greats and like. even the way ashe speaks/yakko talks ooc and bizly shutting down stupid bits. i think we both listen to this shitty podcast too much and are both fucking deranged i’m grabbjng you by the fucking shoulders and shaking you so violently for this

[0ne-shot]

night terrors as you rest.

bjsjshs could you tell i dont feel creative with fic titles rn ANYWAY my brain is still so so full from rereading the metal virus arc and a vision came to me of espio's trauma from that. nightmares are still abundant for the poor teen lol. so i wrote a small fic about it in like. a day. enjoy!

-------

…..

It appeared again.

After thinking those events from 2 weeks ago had finally left his mind for good…

It still creeped into his head.

The distorted images of Charmy and Vector’s metal-coated bodies didn't leave his mind, even in his sleep.

But everyone was cured..? Why was this burden, that wasn't even a result of his fault, still weighing down on his mind until it caved in?

It was an innocent inquiry.

Something that Espio would ask himself to cope with the notion that– oh no, no, he DID know why it was still there.

That heavy guilt and grief that Espio had been carrying in his heart—still after everyone was cured—stayed. Stayed with no intention of growing a wall around itself to let itself be forgotten and pulled back those past images of his friends -– no, family, still with their bodies wracked and coated with metal until there was no more trace of their individuality. Just mindless zombots. 

That’s what they were seized into during that time.

 Worst of all? 

He couldnt even fucking do anything about it except helplessly run around to safe evacuations until he himself became one with them. Maybe that was fate. The most comfortable fate there, really. Out of all the screaming, mercy-kills and trying to save others, he’d pick that time of himself being infected to relive. To pay for the same pain he couldn't save his friends from.

Any pain– any sort of pain he had gone through or could’ve gone through then didn't amount to a speck when Charmy was punished for just trying to be a helpful child. Punished by being slowly dragged down a pool of zombots before he joined with that pool.

Or when Vector had to go through heavier grief for the loss of the kid, trying to preserve him before a cure could be found—all until Charmy escaped while infected and Vector had to latch onto him so nobody else could be put in danger. Then the door shut. And that was it.

Nobody else.

Nobody there with him.

His mind kept on tampering and entertaining situations of what ifs and gruesome outcomes of both his teammates – no, family, –  not coming out cured. Stuck like that.

And with it flashed Charmy’s infected body, how the youngest had to go first, how the little kid had to go through so much pain and agony while nobody was there to answer his cries—

``Espio..?``

..!-

Reality faded.

He wasn't sure whether it faded in or out.

But the ceiling fan he was suddenly gazing at and the small voice next to him proved the former.

``Espio!? Are you…?``

Espio’s head shot up as he jabbed his elbow to the mattress and sat up straight, breathing heavily and sweating as his heart pounded—ironically after rest.

“Rest”?

….

That wasn't rest.

He was better off not sleeping.

He finally turned his gaze to the voice and as he predicted; it was Charmy. Sitting next to his bed with fuzzy antennae drooped sadly and a worried look filling his bleary little orange eyes.

``Charmy!`` Espio frantically replied,  ``You’re…`` 

….

 It was… almost strange to see Charmy worried. Espio never got the chance to really see the bee’s face so genuinely somber and concerned.

It only pumped that guilt further and further into Espio’s heart.

But maybe that was worth the coming relief.

It wasn't real.

It wasn't real.

What you experienced. Was. Not. Real.

They’re still here. Still with you.

Espio took a deep breath and attempted to gather his thoughts.

``Why are you awake? I assume it's already late.`` Espio tried his hardest to speak in a calm, quiet voice to Charmy through the panic-induced rasp that was clogging his throat.

``You were breathing really, really fast in your sleep.. and I got worried.``

…

He was?

He assumed he was silent through that whole nightmarish sequence. But if he was actually hyperventilating enough to wake up and worry Charmy…

Gaia, did he disturb the kid’s sleep because of it?

``...I'm fine. It wasn't anything note-worthy. You should go back to sleep.``

Every feature on the ninja’s body screamed otherwise to being “fine”. His usually swirly tail was still stiffened straight with those images running through his mind, and his heart was pounding wildly in shock from that nightmare.

But, still. Espio didn't want to cloud the bee’s mind and remind him of what happened to him during the metal virus: he had already moved on. That was for the better. The kid didn't deserve to think about that again. But he knew Charmy was one to press on, evidently so. So, the chameleon could only silently pray that he would not ask anything that couldn't be avoided without an answer.

``Espio…`` Charmy muttered with that concern still lingering in his head, ``That’s not normal to do while sleeping. Were you having a nightmare?``

…

Shit.

Guess the universe wasn't feeling like answering that silent prayer.

There’s not many things in the world that can explain full on hyperventilation in sleep other than a nightmare or night terror…

Maybe if he just… could set aside what the nightmare exactly.. was…

``...`` Espio nodded in response to Charmy’s question, before trying to shrug it off.

``About..? It must’ve been freaky—I’ve never seen you so.. scared before.``

``I… It’s not worth noting.``

``Are you sure?`` The little bee pressed on.

Flapping his wings, Charmy flew over and climbed onto Espio’s bed, shuffling himself closer to the chameleon with his innocent eyes eager for an answer. He seemed to want to help calm down Espio with maybe a small side hug, or a pat on the shoulder, too; but the bee was hesitant with that decision considering Espio’s hate for physical touch. Especially when Espio’s stressed, like now.

``...I- It was just a night terror that.. isn't worth getting worked up on,`` Espio spoke through slightly panting breaths, ``and besides, I don't want to remind and stress you out, too.``

``It’s not gonna help bottling up whatever scared y— wait, “remind me”?``

…

Espio slipped out the very thing he was trying to avoid…

Realization slowly pooled in Charmy’s eyes.

``..Oh.``

…This should’ve been expected, huh?

He shouldn’t have tried hiding this.

Hiding this from Charmy, of all mobians.

…But before Espio could try and still save himself from this, he felt a small pair of arms cling around his own—doing what they feared to do before.

``...Espio.. It was okay to tell me, y’know?... I was scared during then, too.``

Charmy then cautiously nuzzled his head onto Espio’s shoulder. 

The ninja’s breath hitched.

He wasn't used to this. Used to having a younger one who you should be looking after, looking after you. Comforting you. It felt so alien to him.

It felt so alien with anyone comforting him, really.

It was mostly Espio’s fault for it, wasn't it? He’d always try to convince himself that walling off his vulnerability was the best thing for him; the best thing for everyone around him, too. Those emotions rarely seeped out, and when they did, every thought was cancelled out for one goal to get it together again and remain stoic once more.

The same thing happened just now, too.

The last part was the only thing that varied.

 His mind was screaming about how this wasn't right, and he shouldn't even have inadvertently told the bee—let alone burden him with his own fears and emotions. Charmy suffered more pain than he did, but he was the one soothing Espio? The chameleon felt so selfish for it.

…But his body said otherwise to his mind as he gently returned Charmy’s hug, wrapping his arms around the bee’s fuzzy, warm body.

His chest felt a little lighter.

He could feel Charmy’s wings twitch a little in shock when his arms returned the favour. It was clear the bee didn't foresee Espio actually accepting the hug—let alone hugging him back.

``...Charmy?``

``Mhm?`` Charmy’s eyes gazed up at Espio, face still nuzzled in his shoulder.

``...``

``Thank you.``

Espio didn't know how else to express it.

Words didn't do any sort of favour, really. But he just… needed to get it out somehow.

The ninja couldn't see, but he could definitely sense a small smile emerging onto Charmy’s face as he tightened his hug around Espio.

``No. Thank you.``

….

They stayed like that for a while.

It felt so soothing. Staying in that position as his breathing finally calmed down and his heart’s pace started to relax.

The images — those horrifying images — slowly faded away back into subconsciousness.

Espio would’ve remained so still for just a little while longer until Charmy’s small yawn reminded the chameleon of the fact that it was still past midnight, and now extremely late. Cases were waiting tomorrow, so was a long, long day. They should get to sleep now..

But Espio didn't feel like letting go anytime soon…

In result, wordlessly, he slowly adjusted his grip around Charmy before slowly lowering his body and putting his legs onto the mattress again as he rested his head on the pillow; now cuddling the fuzzy little body in his arms. He felt Charmy finally comfortable enough to nuzzle his head onto Espio’s chest as he let his eyes flutter shut in sleepiness. 

Espio’s chest felt a lot warmer now.

For a while, Espio’s eyes remained blinking blearily and his hands still stroked Charmy’s fluffy fur—the very thing that lulled the bee back to sleep in the first place.

He stared at the window beside him.

This was quite the long night, huh..?

Espio didn't think it’d turn out this way, but he wouldn’t have chosen anything else for it.

He wouldn't trade this moment for the world.

Exhaustion came to Espio eventually, and he let his eyes close and his hand rest still on Charmy’s head.

``G’night, Charmy…`` Espio slurred with tiredness.

A few more blinks, then his eyes closed.

And the world grew dark again as Espio finally let himself drift off.

-----------

note: charmy ily <3 best bros ever

[crystalstunes]

crystal's tunes #2: WORRY. by Jeff Rosenstock (2016)

i was going to wait a while before talking about this album, but i mean come on, it's literally got a track called June 21st. if i was gonna do it any day it'd be today.

WORRY. is an album that's very special to me. i originally discovered it via James Acaster's book Perfect Sound Whatever (named after the closing track of the album), and in the years since it's become one of my most listened to albums of all time. i'm not going to link any specific songs here, because i feel like the album is meant to be listened to in its entirety.

this was the second studio album Jeff released after the end of his previous project, ska-punk collective Bomb the Music Industry!, which in itself was born out of the end of his previous-previous project The Arrogant Sons of Bitches. this album really feels like a culmination of all of his work leading up to this, refined to a T and bursting with energy.

"We're not stupid people but this financial oppression has got everyone believing all that we can do is nothing/'Cause we organise through avenues they lace with advertisements so the ones we rage against are still lining their pockets" - Festival Song (Track 3)

thematically, the album discusses a variety of issues with modern-day America, such as landlords/gentrification, the coroprate sponsors of festivals and culture, social media mining your data, police brutality, and how the world just keeps getting worse due to capitalism in general. this is especially evident on tracks such as Festival Song, Staring Out The Window at Your Old Apartment, Blast Damage Days, HELLLLHOOOOLE, and The Fuzz, but is present throughout the album. he also touches on some more personal issues, such as alcoholism and the struggles of being a DIY musician.

the production here is absolutely top-notch, every single element is balanced perfectly, guitars are clear and crushing when they need to be, drums are punchy, vocals cut through well and instruments such as saxophones, glockenspiels and synths are used in certain songs to offer various different sonic textures. its not just the instruments that are varied here though, he also travels across a number of styles such as his classic ska-punk on the 91 second track Rainbow, to more hardcore punk on 30 second track Planet Luxury.

the A-side of this album is fantastic, with tracks like We Begged 2 Explode, Pash Rash and Festival Song becoming fan favourites and staples of his live sets, but i think this album really comes into its own during it's B-side. every track from Blast Damage Days through to the final track Perfect Sound Whatever perfectly transition into each other, creating a medley of different punk subgenres that is absolutely incredible. it's cathartic and danceable all in one, and its one of my favourite things he's done on an album.

"Whenever we feel ashamed, being alive and awake in such an era of hate and military police/These are the mass murder days, we are the blast damage age, where we can't love anything, because they keep us afraid/Oh, I will be there, kicking, fighting, beating, screaming 'There's no fucking way I'm ever letting go of you!'" - Blast Damage Days (Track 9)

the album builds up in energy until its final anthemic, gang vocal repetitions of "Perfect always takes so long, because it don't exist/It doesn't exist!", which is one of Jeff's main mission statements creatively. the first Bomb the Music Industry! album Album Minus Band has anti-piracy hiss throughout from various plugins he used the demo versions of instead of buying, and a track that's project files corrupted so he couldnt mix it properly, but all of that just adds to the artistry of it all. nothing can ever truly be perfect, so just be honest and authentic and do what you want, because in both art and people, our imperfections are what make us whole. i'm not a perfect person, and that's alright. i may have my own anti-piracy demo plugin hiss in my brain, but that's just part of what makes me myself - i wouldn't truly be me without it, and that's beautiful.

i think this album is truly great because despite the overwhelmingly negative topics being discussed, in the end its hopeful, even if the world or your life seem like theyre fucked, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. the penultimate track ...While You're Alive, ends with the verse "And it's not like the love that they show us on TV/It's a home that can burn, it's a limb to freeze/It's worry/Love is worry". this can just be taken at face value as the fact that when you love someone you worry about them, but i interpret it a different way, especially with the context of the rest of the album.

when the government and systems are against you, you're fighting your own brain, and you're overwhelmed with worry, that worry is coming from a place of love, because you wouldnt worry about something you dont care about. you love yourself, you love the world, and in a way, your anxieties are really just a form of expressing your care and love even if it feels like fear, and anger, and sadness. and, for me at least, that's one of the most reassuring messages i've ever been given from an album. thanks, jeff.

"Because it's June 21st, and this winter was the worst we've ever seen, but we made it through the freeze/And now it's June 21st, and this winter was the worst we've ever seen, now it's 84 degrees forever." - June 21st (Track 14)

[little-nugget-writes-stufff]

Hello :3

I finaly found the motivation to do something, my Apologies for not posting anything in such a long whileee.

instead of getting isekai'd into sagau, why not, instead, getting isekai'd to a fan-fiction you read the night before?

Warnings: yandere? Obsessive behavior.

You felt an arm stirring you awake. "Y/n, wake up, your brother has to leave early and he asked me to wake you up". Diluc? From the game? It took your brain a good minute to realize, you were in the game, Genshin impact. But wait... This aint sagau, if it was, you wouldnt be in the Dawn winery... This reminded you of a fan-fiction you read yesterday night, but surely not... You thought before jumping out of bed to get dressed.

.

Ah finaly your here! Your eyes lit up with seeing diluc in the living room. You jumped down the stairs only to get scolded by diluc. Hey dont do that you might actually hurt yourself. Like you cared? But since you were his sister, that means free hugs righttttt? Ye sure it does. So you put your arms around him and so trapped him in your embrace. "Have a safe trip brother" :D Truly he didn't understand but still hugged you back.

.

.

The time was slowly ticking. 12:30 the time said. You sneaked out of the Dawn winery with ease. Today you had agreed to meet your lover at windrise.

.

Ah windblume your here early! Im not complaining tho! You looked up to see venti sitting at one of the branches of the tree. You pinched yourself to see if you werent dreaming. You were really here, YOU FINALY DID IT! All the people whom you once yearned to meet finaly are infront of you. "I cant believe it..." you muttered under your breath. He kissed you on your cheek and handed you an apple. You raised an eyebrow. Oh! i bought us some apples!

When you guys finished your apples, you went on a little walk. so how has work been? "Eh it was okay, just the usual" he laughed. Ofcourse. He smiled at you. "Well how was ur day?" Oh i had a performance in a restaurant! It doesnt suprise me that they hired me, i mean who wouldnt want to hire the best bard in Mondstadt huh? You laughed. It was so nice, walking next to him through the grass field.

He suddenly grabbed your bag and launched himself up into the air. Your eyes widened seeing a person flying in the fcking air. "VENTI GIVE IT BAAACKKK" he smirked at you. Then come get it windblume~

You spent about 10 minutes throwing anything you could find at him untill he came down and handed you your stuff back.

You guys bad eachother goodbye and you went home again. It took you a while to realize diluc wasnt home, and took some time to think about all that had happened... You were in a fan-fiction that you read... It was mostly peaceful, right..? Yes... But what about your life back in your own world..? You got a bit sad, thinking you'd never see them again.

A maid came up to you, and started saying something you couldnt understand, and suddenly, you were back in your bed. You were shocked. Was it all a dream..? Or did that maid get you back home..? You looked around, only to see a pair of green eyes staring back at you. Ah... I wished you'd stay longer... But thats okay, my love~ we will just have to meet another time soon~ just one thing... You're mine, mine only... If anyone even dares to touch you... Well... Then they will have to face the wrath of a god... And you... Dont think you can escape from me, my dearest windblume...

with that, venti dissapears, just like he did when we first saw him in the game...

[fcknstar]

Can you do pregnancy headcanons for the amazing spider man 2 harry?

hihi! thank you so much for the request and sorry if i completed it a little late, was caught up with school work...

,, with you "

harryosborn x afab!reader ( pregnancy headcanons )

a.n : im so so happy with the requests that ive been receiving because my brains all messed up rn, and cant really think of any ideas.. so thankyou alot

warnings : mentions of pregnancy

**lowercase intended**

when harry found out that you are pregnant, he has nver been more happy

like a gentleman, he would massage your legs if you need, would literally give you princess treatment like he usually does.

have cravings in the middle of the night? not to worry, harry would always assure you and ask you to wake him up if you truly craved something.

" harry… " you gently shook harry. you could barely sleep, wanting to eat chocolate covered pretzels that you enjoyed. " harry..? " harry began to stir in his sleep, turning to look at you, wide awake. " whats wrong baby? " he questioned, he saw how overwhelmed you looked. " well, i uh, ive been craving those chocolate pretzels you got me the other time.. " you whispered. harry understanding that your cravings were acting up, he nodded giving you a soft smile. harry went to the local store looking for the pretzels. by the time he went there, he couldnt find any in stock. so, he decided to make them, grabbing a chocolate bar and pretzels. once he reached home, he would melt those chocolate and dip the pretzels in, letting it cool before serving in to you.

" baby, i couldnt find the exact ones, so i just got normal pretzels and dipped them.. will that be alright? " harry walked towards you with the said pretzels in his hands. you swore you felt your heart thump faster, it was as if you were falling deeper in love with him.

before you got pregnant, you and harry would split the house chores.

so when you got pregnant, he would start doing most of the house chores, since you insisted that you could at least fold the clothes despite harry advising you not to and for you to just rest.

knowing that youd get bigger in size, he wouldnt mind getting you new clothes. he, in fact encourages you to whenever you need new clothes. or he will just get you it even without you knowing.

if you were to feel insecure, he would start talking to you sweetly, reassuring that you are the most beautiful person hes ever seen ; whispering sweet things to you.

he would start working from home, but if he truly needed to get back to oscorp, he would grab some snack and food for you both before heading back home.

if he sees you asleep on the bed, he would climb in with you, gently wrapping his arms around and talk to the growing baby.

" yea i know right. and i got you and your sweet mother more pretzels! how cool is that? " harry felt a little kick when he placed his hand on your tummy. " my gosh, excited are we? don't wake your mummy up okay? she deserves this rest.. " but you were already wide awake, hearing the little chats he had with your baby. " i wonder if you are a girl.. or a boy. if you were a girl, id dress you up into a mini princess, even better, id dress you up like your mother. mini her! if youre a boy, " harry was deep in thought.. " i dont know, i dress you up as a businessman! " he received another. " definitely a boy. " harry smiled to himself. you couldn't help but giggle. harry saw how your body shook and your little laughs, turning to face you, his eyes widened. " did i wake you up? sorry.. " harry smiled boyishly, kissing your temple.

[thatgirliehan]

reflection: Her

Description: An idol who loves art and a museum curator who makes art. With their slightly crazy friends, a 9-week deadline , a world tour, and a big secret, what could possibly go wrong?

NOTE: This is a fanfiction. Any resemblance to actual people is a coincidence. This story is from my brain and not real life.

My phone dinged right as I got off the bus. I glanced down as I start walking, it was a calendar alert "BTS concert TOMORROW". My heart skipped a beat and I couldnt help but do a quick happy dance. It's finaly happening, the thing I had been waiting on for MONTHS was finally tomorrow! With that happy reminder in the back of my head I waltzed through the doors of the museum where I worked, ready to start another day, a little happier than normal. "Good morning y/n", said Bill the front door guard "you seem a lot more awake today than normal, finally get coffee before work?" "Ha. Ha. Ha Bill, you're hilarious! The concert I've been waiting absolute months for is finally tomorrow, I'm just super excited!" "Oh, those pretty boys you constantly listen to, right?" said Bill. "Theyre called BTS Bill" I mumbled under my breath. Bill is about 70 years old and is like my work Grandpa. I love him to death, but he doesnt really get the whole kpop thing, he's more of a Willy Nelson type.

"Well, I need to go!" I said as I started walking away. "With the head curator and the other junior curator off at a conference for the rest of the week, I was the one basically running the museum. I was freaking out at first when they told me that they were BOTH going, I mean, I've only been working here 2 years, and I am the junior, JUNIOR curator. That means I get the fun jobs of writing up the placks for the art, or at most dusting the art. I'm not even allowed to touch the art by myself yet, you have to be a junior curator for that.

I get to my desk, because junior JUNIOR curators dont have an office, just a desk in the supply room (closet) and set my purse down on my desk. It was 30 minutes to 10, which was when we opened. I still had time to dust the main exhibit and turn on all the lights before I had to open the doors. My art museum was a small one, but we had a few really good pieces from some very famous artists, so we drew a modest crowd every day. Honestly, I was really lucky to have this job. Not many people get their dream job right out of college. I popped in an airpod and turned on my favorite cleaning playlist. Mic drop shuffled on first so of course I danced the chorus as I dusted, dropping my duster at the end of the song like Suga.

I finish up all of my opening tasks and head back to the front desk, as I'm straightening some pamphlets in the front desk, I hear my phone chime. I look down at the screen and see an alert that says "Sorry y/n, I'm throwing up everywhere, I'm not gonna make it to work today. Xoxo Minha" "Greaaaatttttttttttttttttttttttt", I think, my good mood vanishing in a flash, I'm completely alone today. Minha is my friend and a year younger than me, she works the front desk. With her gone, I'm going to have to do her job...and then it hits me. I'm ALONE. And I'm supposed to be researching and writing the placks for the new exhibit thats coming next week. Greattttttttttttt. I check the time, 5 minutes before opening. "Shiitttttttttttttrake mushrooms" I mutter under my breath as I run to my office...ok desk....and frantically grab my laptop, planner, 3 enormous reference books and my pouch and run back to the front desk. Looks like I'm going to be doing both today. "Curse you Minha", I think to myself as I drop everything on the front desk. I check my phone and I still have 3 and a half minutes till opening. Which is good, because since I hadn't expected to be at the front desk, I had only done minimal makeups....and in my personal experience, people were nicer when I had a more girly makeup style. I grabbed my pouch and got out my favorite (fine, only) yves saint laurent lip tint, it was a beautiful shiny coral pink color and it made me feel like I was a member of twice. I popped it on my lips and went to unlock the door. If I was lucky, maybe it would be an extra slow day and I would be able to get the rest of the placks done.

I....was not lucky. It was a very busy morning. So busy that I didn't have a single minute to even look at my reference books until 12:30. There was finally a lull as the morning crowd left so I grabbed my reference books and laptop and got to work typing up those placks. I was so engrossed in my research that I didnt notice someone had walked up to the front desk until I heard "uh, excuse me". I was so startled that I let out a high pitched yelp, jumping out of my chair, knocking it over.

Standing at the front desk was a boy. Man? He was very tall, wearing fashionable street wear, a baseball cap that shieled his eyes and a mask covering the lower half of his face.

"Ohmygoodness, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize anyone was there!" I said quickly, closing my laptop and picking my chair up from the ground.

"Uh...sorry, I didn't mean to surprise you" the man said in a low, soft voice.

[notthestarwar]

For your WIP folder…. Omg it’s so hard to choose. Wonder Soldier AU with Kix?

thank you so much for the ask!!!

omg. this is the one im currently rotating in my brain. im SO VERY obsessed with it.

(im going to ramble so badly here lol pls dont feel you have to read it all but im VERY excited by this au)

ok so. ive been rereading the winter soldier comics. starting from the first reveal of him in captain america onwards. i feel like everyone knows about the 'who the hell is bucky scene' which is a real heartstopper but omg. there are so many moments that didnt make it in to the films. theres just so much feeling there and i see a huge paralell between a lot of stuff bucky goes through and the clones origin.

i'd seen winter soldier au's with various clones before, but there was always something missing for me. on my reread of the comics i realised what it was. the being out of time. finding yourself in the future unexpectedly. having to adapt. getting used to being alone. and then realising you arent. realising that someone you failed to save is here. is still maybe capable of being saved. is such a huge part for me. thats the driver of so much emotion.

and i realised that there IS a part of star wars that makes me feel kinda similar. Kix's story. Kix finds himself waking up in a galaxy that has moved on. theres no room for him anymore. he was once a part of something, but now he isnt. he's never been alone before, but now he is, without question. he is the last of his kind. and after he finds out what happened, his identity as a medic is really threatened. his job was to heal his brothers, to save them. but when it mattered, he couldnt.

so then i started thinking. what would it be like for kix, facing this reckoning, having faced it for a while. finding himself a place in this new world, beginning to fight the first order. beginning to move on from something thats really quite impossible to ever truly move on from. what would it be like for him to face what steve rogers does in those comics?

for anyone that doesnt know, steve and buckys stories in the comics are slightly different. they are brought together because captain america needs a sidekick. they dont know each other before. and bucky is pretty much a kid at the time. he's 16. steve becomes like his older brother as they fight in ww2 with a superhero group called the invaders (pretty much like the avengers) against nazi superheroes and the like, unitil, just at the end of the war, they get captured. steve watches bucky being tortured, he cant stop it, and then when they escape, bucky sacrifices himself. the last thing steve sees before he gets frozen is bucky, just out of steves reach, unable to be saved after sacrificing himself for their cause. steve is awake in the ice in the comics. he has all those years to dwell on it, and when he gets out, the world has moved on and its far far too late to save anyone he knew.

buckys backstory has some real similarities with the clones. he grows up on a military camp, his dad dies when he's like 12 and he ends up staying as a kind of camp mascot. he grows up in the army. violence is every day for him. its all he knows. and when he gets recruited as captain americas sidekick. its all about the image. he is a propaganda tool. there to look like a kid so that other kids want to join up, but trained to be a killer. he is there to do the dirty work that captain america cant be seen doing. he's an assasin from the start. deadly efficient.

buckys return in the comics is delicious. it comes out of nowhere, to the reader and to steve rogers. he has been living in this new world and has accepted that noone will ever really understand him. anyone that survived ww2 looks at it with rose tinted glasses, but in a lot of ways to steve, he's still there. and then comes the winter soldier, a cold war relic, woken up to meet someone elses aims. in a lot of ways, it echos how steve has been working for america, putting out fire after fire, since he got out of the ice. the people around steve put the pieces together before he does and when they try and break it to him, he refuses to hear it. he wont look at their evidence. he simply cant. to know that not only could he not save this younger brother figure, but that while he was frozen, powerless, bucky was taken by the enemy and used in the worst kind of way. made to do things he never would have done (a big part of this is that bucky never would have worked against america. his patriotism was a huge part of his character thanks to his upbringing, which his handlers knew and found pretty funny. they used him to fight america because it was ironic). like omg. the paralells there! with the clones being raised to serve the republic, being raised to know nothing but loyalty because alll they knew was the military. and then having chips in their heads force them to do the last thing they ever would have done? again and again?

steve refuses to believe that its bucky. but we begin to see that he knows. he's just in denial. he fights the winter soldier and we have the 'who the hell is bucky moment' and then, his denial is shattered in the worst possible way. a dossier is delivered to him holding records from the winter soliders handlers from the start. he has to see the cold and impersonal documentation of the ppl that ripped his brother, his best friend, from death (from peace) so that he could be used against his country. he'd forgotten everything about who he was, all he had was the muscle memory of this fight. he could still fight. he was still a killer. these files document a kind of sick amusement from his handlers at his situation. his drs talk about him like he's an object for testing. (there are so many paralels here with the kamineese, palpatine, jango and how they treat the clones). worse than this. the files show that even without his memory, bucky fought them. during a mission in america he dropped off the radar, confused and lost, but trying to find something of himself. at this point they start wiping his memory after each mission and keeping him in stasis. he is no more than a tool. the whole thing is heart wretching. i know the movie version touched a lot of ppls hearts but. oh my god. it doesnt even touch the surface.

that feeling. those vibes. are the backbone of this au.

kix is beginning to move on. and then, the first order pull out the winter soldier. kix fights him and he's caught. because this stranger, decades after the last clone died, fights just like a clone. and against his will kix is just. pulled in. it feels like one last link to his brothers. he needs to know who trained this assasin. he needs to know more. this guy is like a ghost. the more he finds out the further he feels from any answers. what he finds. well none of it fits together. this guy has been doing this for decades. is he the first winter soldier? was he the one trained by a clone or was that his predecessor? his predecessors predecessor. kixs new war continues, as he investigates. this is simply a side quest. research to resolve his own curiosity.

and then, kix is fighting yet another battle. and in comes this guy. and as they fight, it gets to the point where its just kix and this assasin and the guys mask falls off. and he's a clone. and its an impossibility. its not something kix ever let himself imagine. how can there possibly be a clone here? how can he possibly be so young. he's hardly physically older than kix, in statis all these years, and the guy runs and kix is left. just. shellshocked. he goes back to his research. it doesnt make any sense.

time passes and kix realises who this winter soldier is. he knows him. not only that. he knows exactlly how they are controlling him. its the chips. the chips that kix was unable to save his brothers from. he woke up here and he thought it was too late for anything. his brothers long dead. him, unable to save any of them. he's a medic but he was not enough. yet. here is a chance. a chance at redemption. a brother, just one, that still needs saving. that kix has a chance of saving. and if he does. its someone that will understand. someone who knows what it is to be a clone. someone who knows what it is to wake up in a new galaxy, after years of stasis against your own will. its a chance.

the story deals with kix trying to face this. the whole thing is just like. emotional turmoil. he's given himself a impossible task. he's trying to save someone that does not want saving and very much wants to kill kix. in doing so he's having to face all this trauma and shit he had just accepted living with. and even worse. he gets to see a chipped clone in action. the lack of self preservation, the lack of control. kix gets to see what it would have been like for every one of their brothers. and he has to face that. its a journey thats kinda agonising. lots to face up to. lots to be dealt with. bad situation all round.

im so sorry for how long ive rambled but. oh my god im so utterly obsessed with this. its taken root in side me. the idea. the thought of them. gives me a feeling in my chest thats just. beyond words.

theres another post where i talk about it here also here

im just...screaming. the whole thing makes me want to scream and bite and never stop

ive yet to actually write anything that i can share loool cause ive just been chewing over the idea HOWEVER rest assured once i have something i'll be sharing it on here lol cause i need to yell about this au as much as possible

[piplupod]

something something parallels in life and things might be improving but I honestly can't quite tell yet

three years ago today, i was begging my parents to let me go to the hospital so i could admit myself to the psych ward (for my second stay, the first was involuntary) and then begging the hospital staff to let me into the ward - they had room, they just don't like people self-admitting, they'd rather you end up there through a failed suicide attempt. but thank god for my brain because there's parts of it that want to live even when this part (me) does not, and they'll do what they have to to make sure we all continue on.

two years ago today, I was setting up a mattress on the floor of what I figured would be the quietest room in the basement while my sister and her friends had the loudest party possible outdoors right by my bedroom that went on well into the wee hours of the morning. i couldnt sleep and had to drag all my bedding back to my bedroom and lie awake until they were gone and it was quiet enough to sleep, some time around 4am. (and then my sister got really fucking mad at me when I wasn't an absolute peach about it the next day lmfao)

one year ago today, I went garage saling and acquired webkinz dog plushies and lanterns, two things I enjoy collecting. i had no social outlets in real life; I was deeply isolated and it definitely showed.

now today, i am going to a community mental health centre for the first time, for which i am terrified and tbh still trying to convince myself to go. it will be good for me but it's new and that's scary, but they can help me with getting onto disability and also just being around people and doing activities out in the community.

I can't quite tell if things have gotten better yet but I'm glad I haven't been back in the ward again, and I'm glad there is no loud upsetting party happening tonight, and I'm glad I have those lanterns and plushies that I enjoy looking at. and I suppose I'm glad that I'm going to the centre today, even if I am terrified.

[cathyshifts]

just gonna post my experience here even tho no one asked

Okay whatever happened was so chaotic. It was a busy day, I went out with my parents since morning, then when I got home i took a nap at like 4pm, and i watched asmr, trying to sleep. I was in and out of sleep, i couldnt actually sleep tho, like i felt sleepy but i could only close my eyes and kept trying to count down so i would actually sleep. at first it was fine, then i would kind of yanked awake (lol i just said i couldnt sleep) a few times, and probably by the fourth or fifth times, i started feeling floaty, but then i started hearing my family outside, talking and doing chores because they have woken up, and i was like ugh im not gonna let them disturb me. So i affirm that i am capable of shifting to my dr, and nothing can stop me, i also said that bc i heard my sister’s footsteps close to my door and i thought she would open it, so i said that affirmation and was just, fuck it. and then i kind of feel myself rolled over (u know that feeling when ur soul and body feel separated?) and everything turned white. (okay so it was all so hazy i cant really tell what happened first. hmm but idk when this happened but there was a moment where i felt my body siting up, throw the blanket away from my body to get up or sth, then i feel my soul or sth just flopped down, lol like literally just flopped forward). So everything turned white? And i started to enter a dream, it wasnt a lucid dream, and idk why but i probably have some beef with Puss in boots or sth, but i legitimately forgot i was trying to shift for miguel and thought i was shifting for puss in boots instead💀 Also i have a friend in that dream, who were talking about shifting, idk who he was, but he was so handsome. Anywho, we started laughing as i finally remember that i shift for miguel, but i cant remember what we talked about tho? Like everything was so hazy yet so vivid??? but then he said sth like, why haven't u gone already? And im gone? Into another dream🙄 still, i think i landed in Nueva York 😟 Anywhoops, cant remember anything other than me finding miguel, and we hug, and i kept kissing him, kissing his neck, although my brain was trying really hard to picture his body lol, and he laughed and we hugged and kissing (god it was sooo weird bc my brain keep picturing my sister as she was the only person i have ever hugged daily💀) i felt happy, but bc i cant imagine well so its all so blurry too.

Anyway back to the dream, it kind of abruptly ended there, going into another place but still in the dream tho. So i was walking in the park, it was nighttime, and then i saw a girl holding a camera, shes filming sth, and then a boy in a wheelchair? and she was filming her, and he was going to a park bench and staying there. So they looked like they were laughing and having fun, until there were some group of bullies? Idk but they were real mean, and they started getting mad at what idk, but they started to get close to her, and she was too afraid so she was still filming them as she looked their way, and lol idk why but i picked up a bicycle near me and throw it on the nearest bully’s face (they were mostly teenagers lol) and then i grab her and try to swing my way out there, but idk i guess my brain forgot that im supposed to have superstrength so we kind of fall into a pit (it feels like we felt into a pit but it was just i couldnt carry her, there was no pit) and then it turned into a full dream, a thrilling, somewhat horror movie, i swing my way through the buildings and sth bad happened, and she still has the camera, so we were back at my apartment watching it and shivering and getting traumatized lol. Then i woke up (what a ride😻)

[sophaeros]

so i dreamt i was listening to sias on apple music and when i looked at the album cover it turned into a slideshow (some photos some videos) of a photoshoot they'd done with kate moss and some older guy?? in terms of style and colours it was exactly like the green/yellow sias release photoshoot yk the one. the italian ingenues in a car holding a scythe. same outfits too. except in this one they were in a garden and alex was playing the guitar and singing to a group of kids for some reason. it was really pretty tbh :( alex looked so soft and cute it was very ethereal. actually also kind of giving that one sias era snoozer magazine shoot. like alex was sitting cross legged on the grass with the guitar in his lap w the kids sitting in a loose semicircle in front of him and his eyes were half closed. and each one had like an alt text button you could click on but it wasnt actually alt text it was quotes that alex kate and the older guy had said in an accompanying interview BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT TJEY SAID UGHHH i found the link to the interview but all i remember was kate moss talking to the guy and saying yo 💀 💀 i wanted to read alex's part but reading was so hard i was like it's ok i'll send the link to the server im in and catch up later (i realised my mistake when i was drifting awake but i couldnt fall back asleep into that segment FML) i think humbug also had a similar slideshow thing but i dont remember anything about it

(next part under a cut bc it's so damn long and also derails in a baffling way)

then it turns out that back when this photoshoot was released (my brain said 2007 for some reason..) it was linked to a secret part of their website where you had this video game where you could choose to tear down this beautiful little pixel house for the chance to obtain. a bed. and there were only a few hundred available. but in order to do so you had to solve a series of clues and riddles and it was so difficult that most people couldnt complete it. after the event was over they'd posted an explanation of the solution with all four of them taking turns to say each part in transcript form and matt went first but i only took a short glance bc there was so much going on like i saw math adjacent shit and was like ok nvm my ass is not understanding all that. there'd been a post of a fan with the second fastest time in the world (about 160 seconds..?minutes? idk) selling the bed she'd gotten it was all bright green pixels very simplistic style. i wanted to experience it for myself so i looked up a link and it led me to a neocities of presumably a replica someone had done after am took the official one off their website it was smth like "theoriginof-mypixelhouse.neocities" something like that idk the game had some button pop ups like are you sure you want to proceed with tearing down this house? there was a philosophical element to it. idk. the game's voice was in japanese and it said "but it's dangerous.." as i clicked yes and then i saw some scary face flashing in dim red in the darkness to the side of the screen (also for some reason i was playing this on a huge screen it might have been a projector on the wall kjshdk) and i was like oh shit it's a horror remake bye im not brave enough for this and quickly closed the tab as the face flashed again.

thus ended the am segment of my dream. after this it was dr doofenschmirtz and perry the platypus improvising an instrumental song for a talent show with the aro and ace flags displayed on their table 😭 😭 😭

[satansappendix]

The tism and anxiety makes life crazy sometimes

My sister can not understand why i cant take the kids anywhere when im babysitting them. why because my brain works like this:

The baby needs to nap by 11am so she is awake in time for their parents to be home. So we have to be home by 10 so i can get the other child situated and start putting baby down at 10:30 ish so she'll be asleep by 11. Before all of that to even leave the house. Saying they wake up at maybe 7am, i need to cook food and feed them food which takes like 45 minutes. and then get the read to go which optimistically takes another 30 minutes. and be ready myself which takes like ten minutes. so optimistically its already like 8:50am so we would only really be going out for like an hour which what is even the point of that. and also we will have to be back and do the whole sleep routine afterward.

Also on top of that i know that after taking them both out for even an hour i will be so tired from the experience my likelihood of having a meltdown skyrockets especially if i have work afterward at night

i mean hell even taking just the two year old out to the library today alone that was all i did before work almost made me have a meltdown. I was so tired afterward i felt like i couldnt do anything and then i had to get ready and go to work no fun. like its all the little things today that build up, like i couldnt find my comfy pants i wanted to wear when getting ready, i woke up later than i wanted so everything was pushed back, then i couldnt get the car seat into my car effectively so i needed extra help with that, then we were at the library and had to interact with other people. and then we came home and i only had an hour before work so i felt like i couldnt relax (untrue but it felt that way) then when i was getting ready for work i had to feed the cats and the older one was touching my backpack and the baby was crying and being too much and the cats were on top of me because they were hungry and i accidentally stepped on Lageos's foot and he mad a bad noise because it hurt and at that point i screamed because i couldnt handle it. I screamed and threw the can of cat food on the counter and covered my ears because it had all become too much. thankfully the baby stopped crying and it just got quieter so i could have a breath. i didnt have a full meltdown but i was so close

all of that happened from a two hour excursion with one of the kids, two would be even worse.

[girlhorse]

in college when i had my first major ocd breakdown and had to go on meds i thought i had really bad GAD lol. that was my only diagnosis. but um i now recognize that it was absolutely full blown ocd lol

tw below for some OCD stuff i feel like sharing for some reason. may delete later bc i am going to get very ~vulnerable~

i was really scared to explain my thoughts to anyone bc 1) i knew logically they were bizarre and that embarrassed me and 2) i was scared talking about my intrusive thoughts would make them come true

basically i was obsessed with thoughts that my now ex was going to be in harms way or die, especially when it had been like. idk. more than 20 minutes from texting me

my intrusive thoughts were so strange..i would come up with really whacky ways that they could be fatally injured. like slipping in the shower or choking to death.

I knew these were unreasonable and weird and I did my absolute best to not pester my ex or make it weird. I didnt want to pressure her to do anything because of my out of control anxiety but it was getting super out of hand

I was getting so sick that I was having panic attacks if i hadnt heard from them in a couple hours, i threw up a few meals because of it

eventually i just stopped sleeping. Every time I started to fall asleep, my body jolted me awake. I had very little appetite and was holding back gags while eating.

The things I didn't really consider to be compulsions are pretty obvious to me now. on top of like intense magical thinking (believing my unusual thoughts were either going to cause something bad or that I had some sort of clairvoyance) i had begun publicly checking my pulse any time i was anxious. I thought i was being discreet but honestly my friends noticed it and asked me wtf i was doing ☠️ i was putting my two fingers on my jugular vein to see if i was panicking or anxious.

i also had a problem with compulsively reading the news in their area if i thought they had been hurt. in the attempt to get ahead of it. I was checking traffic data and friends blogs. It was honest to God a bit stalkerish and i knew that but i was terrified

I did tell them about it eventually and they were very gracious about it.

but this went on for a long time, probably months. Somehow i still coped with college classes and didn't fail anything but i was in a pass/fail school so no pressure to do substantially well

eventually i finally got my as to the doctor bc the therapy i was doing did Not work (it ws self guided CBT. I do not think the campus therapsit was equipped to handle the Brains issue i had)

i got put on a low dose of prozac, but when that didnt work (literally threw up a pill due to anxiety lmao) my doc increased the dose significantly and that helped quite a bit.

Anyway i stopped having so bad of OCD that i couldnt function, but of course i still have my moments

it took me like a couple weeks to figure out my fear was largely surrounding uncertainty and the inability to control things.

i think to be honest it is still present. and it seems to be triggered by major life events. Enzo is my new Subject but I'm better able to cope. It was hard when he was little leaving home, i was always scared I'd come back to a d*** puppy bc of something I did wrong. But! hes fine, we're fine. Him getting sick has been hard to deal with Because of this but im dealing. Im doing my best to just accept my obsrssions instead of fighting them or letting them spiral out of control

IDK what the point od this post is i just feel like i have to get it off my chest and i dont have a therapy appointment this week ❤️❤️❤️ my public tumblr is my diary:)