#like probably more than any pair i've ever written tbh

[madlori]

The Claw is our master.

I've had a few folks in DMs ask me how/why/when my shipping did such a completey 180. It's a fair question. I am, after all, someone who spent the last 2 years fervently Buddie shipping, writing fic for them, doing the same hoping/analyzing/searching etc that everyone else (well...not exactly the same, I've always been skeptical of most of the theories and such because I don't believe in a production's ability to be that sneaky, covert or mischievous).

And yet, here I am. I can't really even pretend I'm still a Buddie shipper anymore. Initially I said sure, I still hope for it. I...can't in all honesty say that now. I've firmly decamped for BuckTommy Land. Is this a recipe for heartbreak if they eventually breakup? Sure, but that's always a risk. No more than shipping a non-canon pairing, anyway.

And there's nothing wrong with shipping a non-canon pairing. People do it every day. Hell, it's practically the backbone of fandom. Obsessing about ships being canon is a one-way ticket to dissatisfaction and sometimes total unraveling. I've seen it happen more times than I can count over 30 years in online fandoms.

But if that's the case, why didn't I stay on Team Buddie? Why did I defect so thoroughly that I'm at the point now where not only do I not think Buddie will ever happen, I don't want it to, because I now want to see something different from those two characters, something I believe we will actually get from the writers.

The answer to that question is: I have no idea.

People ask this like I'm somehow in control of it. I'm not. The Fandom Brain is like The Claw in Toy Story. The Claw is our Master. The Claw decided who will go and who will stay.

Fandom Brain is my master. It decides what I'm going to ship, what I'm going to be fannish about and what I'm not, and when I'm going to stop feeling fannish about something. I have zero say in the matter, I'm just along for the ride. At some point in every fandom I have ever been in, my Fandom Brain has, usually with no provocation, decided "Ok we're done with this fandom now." And nothing I can do will make that not true. I can't force it. I can't cajole it. It just is.

Similarly, Fandom Brain has decided "Welp, we're done with this pairing now. We like THIS pairing now. Proceed." Are there reasons? I'm sure there are.

Is it just that it's a canon pairing? Possibly. There is something very seductive about a canon pairing after so long of looking for crumbs and tiny hints where there (mostly) none to find. But I've shipped plenty of non-canon pairings before.

Is it that I prefer Tommy/Lou to Eddie/Ryan? Absolutely not. I love Eddie, always have. I admit to being slightly more of a Buck girlie, but that doesn't mean Eddie means nothing to me.

Is it the immediate gratification? Maybe. Is it just how the relationship's being written? Possibly. Is it just a mental adjustment for my belief that Buddie will never happen, and Eddie will always be straight? Likely. But that doesn't change the outcome.

So here I sit, just...yep. Sometimes it just be like that. I didn't choose this, it's just what my brain decided was going to work for me going forward. If this goes up in smoke, my brain will choose something else, whether it's to run back to Buddie, or be done with 9-1-1 entirely, or who knows what else?

The good news for any of you who follow my writing is that I'm still working on the next Husbros installment. That universe is removed enough from the canon that it almost feels separate to me now, and I'm still feeling connected to it. Yes, I've written a few short BT fics, but so far I've not had any lengthy or involved plot bunnies for it.

So there you have it. I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me. I don't know if I'd have chosen this if I could, but tbh I'm having a pretty good time with it so far, so. That's probably a big part of the reason.

[rey-jake-therapist]

*sorry I think my ask cut off the first bit here so I'm sending it again (Haladriel reminds me of Darklina, in the sense that both characters are so loved by me individually and the dynamic is fascinating, but as an actual ship in fandom? I have to navigate through the misogynist takes that are reducing the female character to a trophy)

I saw this in the haladriel tag on x and I think I pinned down the reason why there are certain people who can't handle dark ships and won't stop invalidating them by screaming about abuse/misogyny. It's because in their minds, they take things very concretely, not being able to 'read between the lines', and thus it's hard for them to really think in abstract ways. They just can't divorce fictional characters from actual problems in society. Don't get me wrong, there is a parallel between them that exists as a fine line, and we should absolutely call some things out. But in the realm of fictional characters, shipping, and make believe? That's strictly a 'them/individual' problem, not an 'us' problem. There are SO many haladriel shippers. We get so many fanart by talented people, many of whom haven't even heard of Tolkien. Are they supporting misogyny or have they had to 'navigate thru misogynist takes' in order to draw two characters together because they like their dynamic? It's not our fault that these canon police antis can't separate fiction from reality, and see every aggression toward a female character (unless it's by another female character, or it's a m/m relationship) as misogyny, while ignoring actual inequality in societies around us, as well as ignoring the truth that men can also become victims of abuse/violence. It all goes back to the funny hypocrisy of touting a beloved female character with admirable traits like strong, fierce, powerful, but the instant a male character challenges her and shows any kind of aggression at her - because spoiler alert, he's a villain, it's literally how he was written - these canon police antis whine about misogyny instead of just saying they don't see what shippers see in a fictional pairing and leave it at that. Like, it's ok, you don't need a reason to not like a pairing. The funny thing is, for all their fascination on Galadriel and Sauron as individuals, they fail to comprehend Sauron's character beyond what is stated in black and white in front of them (going back to the concrete vs abstract thinking). I'm not even a huge fan of Charlie, and even I can understand the 'seeing Gal as a trophy' bit is just a very simplified jest at the comparison to Morgoth and the Silmarils. If they actually bothered to read more of his interviews, it's very clear he sees her as beyond just that. Oh, she's just another ring to him basically? Ok but then why do I keep hearing cosmic connection spoken by him anytime Galadriel is brought up in interviews? Cosmic connection flew over this person's head like a frisbee.

I hope you don't mind me saying I never liked Darklina 🙈 I don't know if it's because I wasn't a big fan of the show in general, of because of the actor I found too pretty, or the dynamic in general... It just never worked for me.

I'm probably significantly older than most Tumblr users, old enough to remember how Mulder and Scully shippers were shamed and mocked when Internet and forums barely started to be a thing anyway 🤣 If you ever heard of X Files or even better, watched it, you know that there isn't a ship that's more vanilla than this one. And yet shippers were being mocked for seeing romance where there was only "platonic friendship" (joke on them, 9 years later Mulder and Scully were endgame), when we weren't told that "Scully deserved better" because "Mulder was abusive towards her

Shippers were always made fun to and it'll never stop, I'm afraid. I've stopped caring about what anyone has to say about a fictional romance I like tbh. I don't know if you use social media such as Reddit and Twitter, as far as I m concerned avoiding these places help a lot. Haters don't seem aware of Tumblr's existence, and I pray every day that they remain ignorant because I really like it here 💜

The best we can do is to keep having fun with what we love... That won't change these idiot's minds, but it will probably piss them off ;)

[wimbledon2008]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers! Spread the self-love 💞

@semperama also sent me this ask! thanks for the opportunity to promote myself guys 😘

Have We Met Before? (Tennis RPF, Roger/Rafa)

what can i say, the old man tennis yaoi fucked me up. i had so many ideas i wanted to incorporate into this fic and it all came together kind of exactly how i wanted it to. i love angst and this is probably the saddest fic i've ever written, but the tone was solid and made the love confession hit just as hard as i hoped it would. i always wanted to write an amnesia au, and the trope ended up being perfect for fedal. i've read this one back a lot and every time i'm like damn, i wrote this?? during the busiest months at my job??? who knew she had it in her

Buck Diaz and the Missing Kiss (9-1-1, Buck/Eddie)

maybe not my "best" or most serious work but man, i had a lot of fun with this one. buck's pov is so much more enjoyable to write than eddie's, which is what my other 9-1-1 fics are. i'm a slow writer and typically can't stand a fic by the time i'm done with it, but i had to write this one in a hurry and it turned out even better than i thought i was capable of in such a limited amount of time, so i'm proud of that. it's also got some good jokes and i love playing with all the domestic details that make a slice of life fic feel warm and lived-in <3

Occam's Razor (Tenet, Neil/The Protagonist)

since the protagonist doesn't have a name i decided to write this one in second person, which was a fun challenge. i also thought my solution to nolan's little time loop crucible was clever, if not entirely compatible with the script. i like how sparse this one is, and it's more character-focused than plot- or romance-heavy when compared to most of my other works, so it feels fresh and different

Ten of Cups (Captive Prince, Damen/Laurent)

honestly i'm really proud of all my captive prince fics, but this is the first one i wrote and i still love it. i've always connected with c.s. pacat's writing style and i feel like i'm able to replicate it decently in fic. i've also spent so much time with the source material that damen and laurent's voices and personalities come very easily to me, which makes capri fic a lot of fun to write. all i ever wanted was for someone to give laurent a hug, and i was so glad i was able to give him one here <3

These Three Worn Words (Figure Skating RPF, Tessa/Scott)

this might be cheating because it's technically a collection of standalone works all under one banner but every single one of them slaps tbh. tessa and scott's wicked chemistry and beautiful lifelong heterosexual love was such a rich vein of inspiration that i managed to churn out more fics for them than i have for any other pairing before or since. for whatever reason they were very easy for me to write, and it was great fun putting them in all these different scenarios. i still think about some of the turns of phrase i came up with in these fics. like bitch, who was she? anyway, rpf forever!!!

[scyllas-revenge]

Fanfiction Author Interview Game!

Thank you @mikathemonster for tagging me in this!

How many works do you have on Tumblr? I've posted 12 fics on tumblr, although my longer fics and the ones I've written for fandom events are strictly on AO3.

What's your total Tumblr word count? If I counted right, somewhere around 27,600 words

Your top 5 stories by notes:

Leap of Faith Pt 1- I'm not surprised my Legolas fic is by far my most popular one on tumblr lol. This one will always hold a special place in my heart <3

Wildest Dreams- An Eomer/reader fic that I'm honestly not crazy about but I'm glad others enjoyed it!

A Helping Hand- Also Eomer/reader, also not one of my favorites. But who doesn't love Eomer?

A Shield Against the Snow- Boromir/reader, and the third Only One Bed fic in this list XD

Leap of Faith Pt 2- An unplanned sequel to Leap of Faith that I'm honestly really proud of- my favorite thing about Legolas is the melodrama of pairing him off with mortal characters

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I usually do! Comments and discussions about my fics are what keep me going as a writer!

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending? I'm not really one for writing angst- I love to read it but I just can't bear to write anything besides a happy ending!

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending? They're all pretty happy, but I think the fic with the highest amount of sheer fluff would be The Floor is Molasses.

Do you write crossovers? Nah, I don't think crossovers are for me

Have you ever received hate on a fic? Definitely! Not so much on tumblr or AO3, but I've gotten some weird ones on FFN

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I've only posted one real smut fic, Sword Master (unless you count the smut-adjacent bits of Customer Service too) but tbh I'm not sure I'll post more in the future. Maybe one or two Burn Like Cold Iron extras when that fic is finally done, but otherwise I probably won't go above an M rating again. You know how people tend to look hotter in lingerie than fully nude? That's usually my take on smut XD the scene turns out hotter if I leave a bit to the imagination lol

Have you ever had a fic stolen? I hope not!

Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope! But I'd be very flattered

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Not officially, but @sotwk and I wound up writing a back-and-forth Eomer/OC thing via tumblr ask boxes lol- Eomer's letter and a response, and I'm always down to keep the collab going!

What's your all-time favorite ship? Eowyn/Faramir, but outside of Tolkien maybe Jaime/Brienne from ASOIAF

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will? I do my best not to post anything I'm not confident I can finish!

What are your writing strengths? I'm terrible at complimenting myself but I'm trying to be better- let's see I think I'm getting better at dialogue, particularly capturing different characters' voices. I think I can infuse dry humor into my fics pretty well too (although sometimes this happens by accident, rendering a dramatic scene goofy)

What are your writing weaknesses? I'm slow as hell. I cannot focus for the life of me. BUT I'm getting my hands on some adderall so hopefully that will help in the future XD

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? I think my favorite method in fics is when writers don't translate the other language, or at least not directly, and let the other characters and setting reveal the words' meaning through context. Personally I try to avoid it entirely, just because I don't know any words in Tolkien's languages lol

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to? I'm such a slow writer that I want to stick to LOTR for now, but someday I might snap and write something for BG3 lol (there's no regency AU fics for Wyll?? Are you kidding me?? I'm going to commit murder)

What's your favorite fic you've written? Burn Like Cold Iron is always my (predictable) answer, but among my less popular fics, Chicken Soup for the Soul is an old favorite, as well as Something Burrowed, Something Blue.

Tagging @sotwk and @fishing4stars and anyone else who sees this post and has the urge to talk about themselves

[celinou]

Thanks @lenorelovesmax for tagging me 🤍

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 2, currently. Well, more like one and a half baked scene that has no context, to be more accurate.

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 194.036 words.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? I have like the one fic, the other thing has 2 kudos. So... - A Walk in Chiaroscuro (354)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Yes, absolutely. It's pretty rare when I don't. I like to tell people that I appreciate their support and comments or to answer questions they might have about the story or the choice I made.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I don't do angsty endings. I'm too old and too jaded by life to appreciate them anymore. I'm at a point in my life where I need to know there's hope and happiness at the end of the line.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I'm guessing there will be some kind of repetition since I've only published Awic... Soooo, it's a Walk in Chiaroscuro! ...but if you want to know about the ones that I keep in my drawer never to see the light of AO3, the happiest ending goes to Let's Write a Love Story (it's a Homestuck fanfic)

8. Do you get hate on fics? No. I'm writing in a mostly dead fandom so far and for kind of a rare pair so, people have been starved of content. They were so nice and sweet to me in the comments.

9. Do you write smut? I wish! I don't have the chops for it but I so wish I could write good smut! Honestly it's something I really want to push myself into exploring. Unfortunately your girl is a bit too vanilla in her taste which makes for poor reading. I don't fear being bad... I fear being boring, you know?

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've ever written? I've never done that, no. But who knows what future will lead me to write.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? No. I don't have enough reach to be the target of theft.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope. And tbh I don't have the patience to translate it myself in my native language.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Could have... but no. There was an attempt at a joined project for Dragon Age but, unfortunately, it didn't work out in the end. I'm not abandoning the idea of writing for Dragon Age but I'll probably go in a very different direction since it would be a solo project.

14. What's your all time favorite ship? I... don't have one... Yeah, I'm not much of a shipper at the core. I mean I did write for Caulscott but I practically ship Max with everybody in LIS so... I was more interested by Nathan's potential as a love interest more than the ship itself. Outside of LIS... I can't think of any ship rn, I'm afraid.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? Tough question. If I abandoned a project I don't consider it a WIP. It's a dropped thing that goes in the reusable idea bin... and if I'm still working on it, I don't go into thinking I won't finish it. So, it's hard to say really. To not leave you with such a vague answer, I'll give you this: the fic I planned to write about the Hidden Object Games series Dark Parable, that never took off and never will (for I have better/much more attractive projects to work on). It's a dropped thing. But now you can see I have weird and obscure taste.

As for original projects: I have a Horror RPG project that probably won't ever see the light of day, called: The Clockmaker. (because I realized I'm shit at pixel art, tragic)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? Hum... No. I don't mind people doing it but I tried it myself in my pirate epic and, let me tell you, I'm not that good a multilingual as to be witty in more than 2 languages. I found what I wrote cringe af when I read back my text in the editing phase and scrapped it all out.

19. First fandom you wrote for? Homestuck. I started writing fics very late in my life. (I wrote original stuff before that)

20. Favourite fic you've ever written? A Walk in Chiaroscuro. Because it's the only fic I went into unafraid to write what I wanted without thinking about who might read it. And to this day it's the truer work I've put out. Not the most personal by any stretch but the one I indulged in the most. And I'm so proud of it. Flaws and all.

I tag @sourrind and @momochizoey if you feel like doing it. And everybody who'd want to as well, consider yourself tagged, friend!

[gamerwoo]

idk if you’ve said / written smth abt this before but i was rereading josh’s tftp and jia’s comment abt lilly loving ari had me thinking abt an au where lilly was still alive and the three of them were together !! do u have any ideas what their dynamic would be like? if u feel like writing a drabble i’ll always read more tftp content but also i know ur work is tiring so i’d be interested in any headcanons too !!!! <3 hope ur doing well

i don't think i've ever mentioned anything about this tbh, and while i don't think joshua would've ever imprinted on ari or even found her had lilly still been alive (because if his powers did stop working he would've immediately went to a doctor because of lilly so he wouldn't have shown up at the same time that ari was brought in, and if lilly didn't die i don't think ari would've been fated to be with him. honestly i think if they had found ari by some chance, lilly and josh would probably treat her more like a little sister or something), i do think this idea is pretty cute so i wanted to write it even though i don't think this would be canon. it's just too cute to pass up hehe

»»————-　　————-««

All Lilly wanted to do was get the dishes done in a timely manner, which was why she had Chan on drying duty while she scrubbed at them. But of course, Joshua had to come up and wrap his arms around her waist, kissing her neck softly before whispering, "You need to go wrangle your mate."

She let out a sigh and put the sponge down by the faucet, looking straight ahead with annoyance on her features, "Why is she only our mate when it's convenient for you? Otherwise, she's only mine?"

"I think you answered your own question," he chuckled.

In the beginning, after Lilly and Soonyoung found her while following Eunjin one night when she was in a trance, Joshua didn't want Arinya being anyone's mate. He didn't want another mate and he was perfectly fine with sending her back wherever she came from despite his instincts wanting otherwise. But from the get go, Lilly wanted her to stay. Even if feeling another pull was a little confusing, she was willing to figure it out.

It was thanks to Lilly that Joshua even warmed up to the young werecoyote -- probably because it warmed his heart so much seeing the pair do almost everything together. Lilly was more than willing to teach Ari everything since she was so curious and naïve. She was also more willing to keep up with the younger girl's energy even if she got tired.

Even now, after Joshua finally accepted her, he would give up after a bit and hand her off to Lilly when Ari was too energetic or too curious.

"Is she chasing squirrels again?" Chan laughed.

Josh rolled his eyes, "How'd you know?"

Lilly let out another sigh and dried her hands off with a dish towel before turning around, her mate's arms sliding away from her, "You're annoying sometimes, Hong."

"No, that's kind of my only setting. You know that."

The two boys followed her out to the backyard just in time to hear a loud yelp, followed by a series of whimpers. Eyes scanned the area until the saw Arinya coming from the forest. Joshua took off running immediately getting to her right as she shifted back to her human form. Chan kept pace with Lilly as she followed right behind him.

"What happened?" Joshua demanded, cupping her face in his hands, her blue eyes filled with tears. He searched her body frantically for any signs of injury, hands moving over her body to turn her arms this way and that and to bend all of her joints to make sure nothing was broken as Chan shrugged off his button-up to hand off to Ari.

Instead, Lilly took it and went around behind her, helping her into it so she wasn't just naked in the backyard, because she knew the rest of the pack would probably come to see what she had whimpered at. But that was when she noticed welts on her back.

"Hey Shua?" she asked.

Ari cupped her left cheek and whined, "My face hurts."

Josh gently moved her hand out of the way to find a bee stinger in her cheek, and it was starting to swell. His hand was covering it before so he didn't notice it.

"There's a ton more back here," Lilly sighed, meeting Joshua's eyes over Ari's shoulder.

Josh held her upper arms and turned her around. Seeing her back covered in bee stings, he closed his eyes and sighed, "What did you do?"

"What happened?" Seungcheol called out, coming around from the front yard.

Arinya stayed facing Lilly as the older girl buttoned up her shirt.

"I followed a squirrel up a tree and there was a bees nest," Ari explained through sniffles. "I didn't mean to touch it, I promise!"

"We're not mad," Lilly promised.

Joshua, however, was chuckling at her, "Have we learned to stop chasing squirrels?"

Lilly frowned up at him, "Leave her alone."

"How bad is it?" Seungcheol wondered as more of the pack started coming from around the front or inside the house.

"She's got at least 20, probably," Josh shrugged.

"Are you allergic to bees?" Chan wondered.

Ari turned back toward him and shook her head before she looked up at Josh again, "My tongue feels funny..."

He noted she was talking with a little bit of a lisp and couldn't help but laugh, "Let me see your tongue, goofball."

She stuck out her tongue, and he immediately noticed the sting near the tip of it. He let out a loud laugh and asked, "What, did you eat one?"

"I don't know!" she whimpered, obviously distressed over her bee attack.

"Joshua, heal your mate!" Lilly scolded him. "Stop making fun of her!"

"Come on, kid," he sighed, obviously still amused. "Let's go to our room to heal you up."

Once upstairs, Joshua removed Chan's shirt from her body and Lilly started carefully pulling out the stingers that were still there, softly apologizing whenever Ari flinched or whimpered.

"Alright, open up. Let's fix your lisp," he chuckled.

She opened her mouth and Josh pulled the tiny stinger out. Instinctively, her eyes squeezed shut at the pain and she recoiled away from him, but he softly gripped her chin to keep her still before plucking the one out of her cheek. Despite her head turning away, he kissed the spot quickly and chuckled out a, "Sorry!"

"You should probably do her back first," Lilly told him.

"Am I supposed to heal her tongue?" he asked as Ari went to lay face-down on the bed. "How do I do that? I've never healed a tongue before."

"Just do her back, please," she sighed in annoyance. "I'm sure she's still in pain."

Josh just made a face at her before going onto the bed and kneeling beside the younger girl. He moved his hands across her back, healing the welts and removing the venom from her body to stop the pain and the swelling. After that, he had her sit up to do her cheek, and then he held her jaw and asked her to stick out her tongue again. All the while, Lilly sat behind her and kept her arms around Ari's waist.

Once Josh was done and Ari was back to normal, she slumped back into Lilly's body, "I think I need a nap."

"I think so, too," Lilly agreed, pressing a kiss to her temple. "Wanna lay down?"

"Yeah," she mumbled.

Joshua moved to get in bed with the two girls but Lilly quickly stopped him, "No way."

"What do you mean?" he protested.

"She's my mate, remember?" Lilly reminded him with a shit-eating smirk.

Joshua rolled his eyes and pounced on top of both of them, taking Lilly by surprise but getting Ari to giggle very loudly.

"Mates heal better when they're together. It's a medical fact," he stated. "So you can't fight me unless you want Ari to be uncomfortable for longer."

Ari's head tilted to one side, "But I thought you already heal--"

"See, she's delusional," he nodded. "She really needs both of us."

Lilly snorted and rolled her eyes, "Whatever, Hong."

"Yeah, whatever, Hong," Ari tried to imitate Lilly, but it just made both of them laugh.

"Y'know what, I think I'm gonna give both of you up," he decided.

"I think you're stuck with us," Lilly stated with a smile and a sure nod.

"Yup!" Arinya grinned.

Seeing his two mates smiling up at him, Lilly's head resting against Ari's, he couldn't help but just feel a wave of happiness and love. So he smiled even though he was rolling his eyes.

"If you're gonna twist my arm about it," he conceded.

[elegantmadness]

Final Fantasy XVI RP

I just finished the game a couple of days ago and I'm obsessed. I need to write in this universe!

So, without further ado... have some info!

18+ writer with years of experience looking for another 18+ writer.

i don't shy away from dark or nsfw topics; not necessarily looking for nsfw/smut heavy threads by any means, but i can tell you right now i probably won't mesh well with someone who has to fade to black :c sorry.

i'll write over email, in gdocs, or via a discord server. i can't say i have much of a preference for any over the others; i'm also down for ooc over discord and the actual writing thread elsewhere. please note i DO NOT write here on tumblr.

given how recently the game came out and i finished it, i've not written for this fandom before. i certainly don't mind taking any constructive criticism if you think i've misrepresented/misconstrued a canon character.

i'm comfortable with canon/canon pairs and canon/oc ones of any genders/dynamics/orientations (m//, m/f, f//, trans + nb inclusive). if we can agree on a canon/canon pair, then i'm happy to leave it at that. if you'd like to go the canon/oc route, though, i do require us to double; like most everyone who's ever dabbled in fandom rp i won't be stuck writing the canon for the original without a little reciprocity.

i like long posts. how long is long, you ask? i like to stay at least around 3 paragraphs, though i can -- and do -- write more than that. all in all, i'm a mirror poster who enjoys fleshing out details and delving into characters' thoughts/feelings/motivations. my sweet spot is 4-6 paragraphs, but i'm more than willing to write novella/generally longer posts if you're game!

i don't do rapid-fire or one-liners or short, measly little single paragraphs. they make me sad and tend to indicate my partner's lack of interest or effort. that said, if your motivation is running dry and you need/want to stop, that's completely fine! honestly, if you ghost i won't chase after you, though i'll admit to a slight preference that you give me a chance to try and fix things up?

at the very least one post a week; i'd prefer around 3 a week, personally, but ofc irl stuff happens.

everything has to be in third person; absolutely no first or second. i default to past tense, but i'm perfectly fine with present if that's your preference!

beware spoilers below if you haven't finished the game!

you'll find the pairings i'm most interested in writing/am actively looking for as well as general ideas for plot/plot points below the cut!

so! i'm honestly not super sure about pairs, but i'm more than happy to talk them through with you? off the top of my head, i know i'd be interested in things like:

dion/joshua (it doesn't have to be in the terms of dion's perceived debt to joshua, but there's just such a nice familiarity there, especially after twinside and dion's drowning in guilt; maybe even bringing in memories of them meeting when they were younger)

hugo/benedikta (my favorite amoral duo who both just need to fuck off from dhalmekia and waloed and do whatever tf they want; also, hugo turning benedikta away from barnabas? his actual affection for her takes her by surprise; this dude doesn't actually just want to exploit and use her for his own ends? say whatttttt?)

dion/barnabas (i'm a terrible person; it's fine! :c but the whole dark v light theme? waloed v sanbreque? barnabas' whole crusade to kidnap bearers/dominants?)

benedikta/jill (mayhaps cid comes too late to save jill and benedikta absconds with her from the battlefield? i think they'd be able to relate to one another relatively well tbh, and plus i'd love to see jill a little more assertive/proactive)

cid/benedikta (purely platonic; i'd love to explore that dynamic, flesh out their background more; tbh, it'd probably be set in the background of an actual pair)

cid/barnabas (i’d loooooove the opportunity to explore their dynamic before cid up and left waloed; maybe cid even confided in barnabas at one point until barnabas’ loyalty to ultima comes out and cid feels betrayed? add benedikta into the mix and ooof. lots of drama potential, i think.)

clive/barnabas (especially in the context of clive having just lost to barnabas in a fight? won't master ultima be so pleased with you, mr warden of darkness? but then... wait. why won't you hand over mythos? clive somehow turning barnabas around? you love to see it)

clive/ultima (dark af and i'm not even sorry. but ultima...making it into clive's mind in a botched attempt to possess him? doesn't even need to be romantic or sexual, but just... a fucked up dynamic. ultima hitching a ride in the back of clive's consciousness? more than he already does?)

clive/joshua (shhhhhh. clive literally saying they've become one is just so darn platonic i can't even com pre hennnnnnd. i'd argue clive shows more emotion over joshua than anyone else in the game, and i'd be remiss in not exploring that further)

please note i have zero interest in writing clive/jill :c they're more of a brotp for me. sorry! i'd at least be willing to hear out other canon/canon pairs, but please don't be offended if i don't want to write them :c

i'd also be incredibly down for some canon/oc shenanigans, and ofc i'd happily double! gonna be super basic and ask for my partner to write clive for me tho; could absolutely be down for poly (cough with cid cough) but that's not necessary at all. also, ngl, i'd love to write a leviathan oc (for whom i already have a great deal of ideas...) i know, i know, the medicine girl is who everyone kinda suspects to be leviathan but, shhhhhhh ;o au for a reason, yeah? it's not confirmed anyway.

miscellaneous ideas

dominants v ultima (as it should have been imo; dominants protecting humanity, working together to try and save it instead of clive having to do it all basically alone)

more fallen lore? ngl, i was hit with such similarities from this game and ff12 i was half-convinced it was like, a thousand+ years post-ff12. i know it's not, but it could be interesting to bring in ff12 wrinkles into the fold? all the crysts and crystals and incorporeal beings directing humanity in the directions they want? plus AIRSHIPS. aetherfloods = jagd/myst? we don't have to go in the ff12 direction for more fallen lore, tho.

time-au a la: dominants returning to the time of the fallen/helping in the fight against ultima at dzemekys

some sort of magic that allows the dominants to retain information from previous hosts? warnings about ultima/crystals/the blight/etc?

people have compared ultima and jenova and... lbr. it would be incredibly interesting to see. ultima wants a host? too bad. jenova's cells have infected it; he can't direct it anymore. too bad every time he keeps trying jenova's still there.

these aren't all the plots i'd be interested in writing by any means, but, well. i think i've rambled on long enough. i hope i've managed to pique some interest, and if i have, feel free to reach out!

[swiftzeldas]

tagged by @dead-ghost-walking!

How many works do you have on AO3? 58! though i've been considering orphaning some lmao

What’s your total AO3 word count? 260,542

What fandoms do you write for? i write for whatever is currently occupying my brain so currently that's the x-files and the terror but i have also written for NADDpod, dimension 20, the magnus archives, the adventure zone, and various other fandoms (inception, the exorcist, psych, succession, baseball rpf, the enchanted forest chronicles, it is truly an eclectic mix)

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? i haven't looked at this in ages so this is interesting! they are: something more than nothing (jon/tim, the magnus archives), if you need some company (hardwon/moonshine, naddpod), head above water (roy siblings, succession), a million little times (taako/magnus, the adventure zone), the greatest films of all time were never made (taako/magnus, the adventure zone)

Do you respond to comments? i try to! i never know what to say besides "thank you so much i'm so glad you liked it" but i mean that every time!!!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? i don't think i have a ton of angsty endings so i suppose it is us traitors never win, my hickey/goodsir fic. the end of that fic is very similar to the end of the show anyway tbh it just sort of slots goodsir into crozier's ending

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? i think it's "if you need some company" but in lieu of repeating myself, my morwen/telemain fic it's not the years; it's the mileage has a pretty happy ending as well!

Do you get hate on fics? i don't think i write popular (or unpopular) enough pairings to get hate honestly

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? yes, usually as part of a longer fic but occasional PWP

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? when i was younger i did, i don't have any posted on ao3 though

Have you ever had a fic stolen? i don't think so and i doubt it would happen

Have you ever had a fic translated? yes, i had someone ask to translate my saito/eames fic something worth coming back to

Have you ever co-written a fic before? only in the sense that most of the x-files daemon au world i write in was created by @emmaswanned for a fic she's working on and she let me take the au and run amok on the krycek side of things (wouldn't last a day)

What’s your all time favorite ship? i don't think my ao3 stats reflect this very well. i also find a lot of the time i don't NEED to write multiple fics for the same ship, like i get it out of my system

What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? i have multiple WIPs rn and i definitely do not want to throw in the towel on any of them but i've wanted to write a marcus/tomas (the exorcist) fic involving them reuniting at casey rance's wedding for literal years and have never written past the first scene

What are your writing strengths? i think my characterization is good, i think i'm good at capturing tone, i think i'm pretty good at dialogue

What are your writing weaknesses? finishing fics longer that about ~7K (unfortunate because most of my ideas are longer than that), figuring out endings

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? i probably would not do this just because i'm only fluent in one language and i would not want to offend anyone due to my reliance on google translate

First fandom you wrote for? i wrote baby-sitters club and harry potter fanfic in spiral notebooks when i was a kid

Favorite fic you’ve written? "us traitors never win" my absolute beloved

tagging @jackreichel @amidalleia @ageless-aislynn

[suspicious-pools-of-blood]

Tag Game

I was tagged by @i-can-even-burn-salad.

Favorite video game: I really like Oblivion and Assassin's Creed; I'll go with AC: Revelations, the third game in the Ezio trilogy. Broadly speaking I think the Ezio games are the best in the series (though I haven't yet played past AC3), but Revelations is set in İstanbul so it's way more fun for me because I can check out all the places I've been irl, and sometimes random characters yell at you in Turkish which is really funny to me now that I can understand them.

Favorite video game character: Yusuf from Revelations because he looks kind of like my brother lmao

Favorite movie or TV series: Shocking absolutely nobody who has ever looked at my main blog, Xena: Warrior Princess.

Favorite movie or TV series character: Xena herself, no question

Hobbies: leatherworking, writing, sketching, rock climbing

Obsessions: Have I mentioned Xena yet? Because whenever I'm not thinking about my OCs, I'm thinking about Xena.

Favorite genre/type of background music for whump daydreams: Usually I listen to specific songs/playlists for my OCs, since my whump daydreams tend to be about specific characters. Genre is kind of all over the place, but tends to be the type of music I would describe as "vibes" (which I'm aware does not narrow it down at all, especially given I probably have a different definition of vibing music than most).

Favorite whump trope: Ough I'm supposed to just pick one?! OK not necessarily my favorite, but one I like a lot, is whumpees whose trauma turns them into whumpers. Cycles of abuse and whatnot.

Favorite whump pairing: Edit: whoops forgot to answer this one. Uhhh can I put my own OCs? Because if so, Elvan and Asenath; more broadly though any pairing where one person gets hurt and the other person goes feral in response, be it out of defense or revenge.

First time you experienced whumperflies: That scene in Disney's Aladdin where Alaadin is in a prison cell with his wrists shackled to the wall above his head. I haven't seen that movie since I was a very little kid but that's the one scene that stuck in my mind haha

Favorite whump scene from a piece of media: A couple scenes jump to mind from Xena. The first is actually from the show Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, of which Xena: Warrior Princess is a spin-off. The episode is called "The Gauntlet" and is one of the episodes that introduces Xena as a character. As the title implies, the climax of the episode is when Xena's general overthrows her and takes her army, and her own soldiers make her run the gauntlet. Joseph LoDuca has my entire heart and soul for the soundtrack in that scene, and the direction is fuckin impeccable. The other scene is from season 6 of Xena's own show, an episode titled "Who's Gurkhan?" in which (for various plot reasons I won't get into here) Xena and Gabrielle both separately sell themselves into slavery to a sultan; Gabrielle tries to assassinate the sultan but Xena sees her about to go for him and knocks her out cold, stealing the knife, so that they would think it was her instead of Gabrielle; she also plays it off as if she was attacking Gabrielle out of jealousy, rather than there being any threat to the sultan. Anyway the relevant bit is that Xena gets taken to the dungeons and tortured at length, mostly just getting the absolute shit beat out of her, including while being hung upside down by shackles on her ankles. 10/10 incredible whump tbh, while there she also hallucinates Gabrielle bellydancing in front of her because that show is gay as all fuck.

A book you would recommend, whump or not: I would highly recommend the historical fiction Lady Slayers series by Lana Popović! There are two books (so far); Blood Countess, about Erzsébet Báthory, and Poison Priestess, about Catherine Monvoisin. They're overtly queer and very very well written (and decently whumpy tbh).

Add your own question: Favorite whump scene from a book?

I'm leaving this as an open tag as usual; if you want to do it, consider yourself tagged!

[leadingrebel]

fic asks

Thank you @whenshesayshush and @queen-of-the-wallflowers15 for tagging me, this was fun!

·

How many works do you have on ao3? 32

What’s your total ao3 word count? 75,727

What fandoms do you write for? Fate: the Winx Saga mostly, these years. Sometimes there's a little drabble for another fandom that I have to get out of my chest, too.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Of vodka and musicals

A Convenient Relapse

A Blade's Glint

Not the First Time

A lost cause

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I do! I can't imagine leaving someone without a response because the notion that someone out there enjoys something I created still makes my head dizzy, so it's my way of appreciating every time it happens. An AO3 email with a comment makes my day turn completely around so I like to give back that feeling.

What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Probably Two Tears

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I think High and Tangible. I'm realising I don't really have many objectively happy endings, huh.

Do you get hate on fics? Not really. There was one time when someone really didn't like my writing/english, tho.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I didn't think I would ever write smut until one year ago, tbh. I think Fate's KinkMeme this year helped me a lot with my apprehension. I like to write smut that has intention behind the movements and actions, making the smut tell a story, I believe.

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? Nope, I've never really been interested in writing any, I think.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? I've had fics posted on other sites/languages without mentioning me, so kind of.

Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes, with and without permission (but we don't want to talk about the disrespecting ones). Fate fandom aside, my first translated works left me with a nice feeling because they were also works for very tiny fandoms, so I was very surprised that someone from that small group wanted to put in the effort for a work of mine.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Not really! I've only fooled around with ideas being an writer-artist kind of pair on some ocasion. Although, hey, one day @skloomdumpster and I pretty much wrote a wholeass Skyriv fic via Discord chat so I'm saying that qualifies, yeah.

What’s your all-time favorite ship? Very difficult to say! I don't think I have like a supreme otp, but the answer feels like Captain Swan or Bellarke? I think it's because of how long and how deep they stayed with me in a moment of my life where I was kind of discovering myself through/with them.

What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? I don't really have any WIP I think I'll never finish. I have a lot of them but I still plan on writing them and I've not lost interest in any of the ideas. I'm just reaaally slow with them because life right now is chaos. But I never publish anything I don't have finished or has a possibility of abandonment so you're all safe from that.

What are your writing strengths? I like to think I find common ground for characters to interact in an interesting manner? I like to keep things in character so I really try to capture the voices of the characters in canon. I hope that's something I achieve, anyway. I also think I do an okay job of showing subtleties to the reader and not spelling everything for them, though I'm not sure if that's more something I like than something I'm good at haha

What are your writing weaknesses? Most probably language, if we're talking about AO3 stuff. Outside of that, I struggle with rhythm and descriptions of mundane/mechanical actions. I often throw it around inside my head for a a long, long time until I find a way of writing it without it reading like a grocery list or just, give up and move on. I also think sometimes I get too deep into the internal side of characters and make it difficult to go back to the external narration again without making the reader feel lost.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? All for it. I love seeing different languages from characters/environments and it makes me as a reader feel a deeper inmersion, even if it's not entirely accurate for a language I understand. For me, people respectfully trying is enough, they can get better later. But as a writer you have to be careful about a language you don't understand because a weird/wrong sentence will definitely kick a native out of your story for a moment there. So triple check everything, don't trust online translators too much, and ideally run it through a native/fluent person. You can also ask for feedback from readers who understand!

First fandom you wrote for? I think Final Fantasy VII or maybe some Spanish comics from my teenage years, not sure which was first. Published on AO3, it was OUAT, though.

Favorite fic you’ve written? I don't know if I have a favourite fic... but I can't help but think of how much I enjoyed writing At the Bottom of a Stream and I'm proud of it, so even if it's the most recent one I'm gonna say that!

No idea who's been tagged or who's done it already so I'm going in blind with this, sorry! Tagging @skloomdumpster @fitztragedy and @partiallypearl if you guys feel like it 🤍

[thewingedswine]

Can I ask what it is about this fandom you find unfriendly? I've been feeling the same a little and I've been feeling alone in this.

Long winded rant, hold onto your buttcheeks.

I’m going to put this out there for anyone who feels afraid to say it, and that’s only because this particular fandom is the ONLY fandom I’ve ever experienced this with. I’m a big fan of marvel and dc, sci-fi and fantasy, I show dogs, I train dogs, I make leather goods, and those are all cutthroat communities with their own problems but I’ve never felt uncomfortable in any of those the way I am in this one,

So here goes; I hope this helps some of the people like me, who really love Avatar, but don’t like the fandom environment.

I think the biggest problem is with the NeteyamxOC pairing niche- which seems to be the biggest subcategory in the fandom.

I’ve seen in the comments sections of several Instagram and tumblr posts(Neteyam pictured or written with oc’s, mostly) where a bunch of mean-girl antagonist harpies will emotionally body each other and the OP and claim Neteyam as if no one else has a right to pair an OC with them?

UM EW? SO WEIRD AND CULTY. thank god none of that happened on any of my posts or I would’ve had to slam my head in a door.

then there are the purists, who reprimand you if you change the traits of any of their favorite characters or portray them in a way they don’t approve of- this has happened to me several times, which, fair, I suppose. I did something heinous with a character in my story(he gets a redemption arc later but that’s not the point. I should be able to write anything I want, and while I value free speech, it’s like? Why are you getting so mad? He’s a fictional character, just DNR my fic and move on to something you like better, it’s not that serious)

There’s also people reposting artwork that I spent a lot of money on and not crediting the artists, but I feel worse for the artists because you can have all the money in the world but you will never get your time back, and I feel like it’s fucked up that they aren’t at least getting the recognition they deserve on those posts that these stupid poopybutthole assdicks are making.

That could go for any fandom, but I think it’s worth mentioning.

Lastly, both my direct and indirect interactions with a select few people who are VERY prominent in the community have just… left a slightly bad taste in my mouth…? Like nothing explicitly bad happened and if you ask all three of them they will probably go “oh no, me and that person don’t have a problem!” But just… if those three incidents were translated into equivalent in person interactions, I would’ve felt extremely bullied. You could call that me being sensitive, or a number of other things, but that’s just plain how I feel.

It’s a shame because I looooove love love all the fics people write in every aspect and pairing of the fandom, and can recommend you so many amazing fics that were written so much better than mine by such fucking nice and pleasant and humble people tbh, I legit would lick the bottom of their shoes if they asked me politely enough

It’s just those few hundred OTHER people that have made this a bad experience for me🤣

So there that is, this place and some of the hostile NPCs that inhabit it make me feel like I either need to curl into a fetal position to mourn the loss of common sense on the internet, or step into a rage room and never come out,

And the more I think about it, the more I feel like stepping away is a good decision for me.

Maybe when I come back people’s buttholes will have loosened up and I can walk around in the bountiful fields of Avatar/NeteyamxOC fanfiction again like a floppy golden retriever puppy without having to look over my shoulder for a poacher with a sledgehammer, but until THAT day,

(But not before I’ve made my last 2-3 posts by the end of the week)

I’m peacing out, buh-bye😂💕

[bradleysbradshaws]

Man, she does not know this - and this is all publicly-available conversation on AO3, so I am not revealing anything from anywhere else - but when Fopps suggested that I read her new alpha!Maverick fic in the reply she made to my last comment on Cascading Ruins, I was expecting, like, CR!Maverick fucking CR!Rooster. (I was here for it, and I am still here for it!)

...What I got instead was depressing teen pregnancy saga.

I was shook. Idk. It's very strange because I had read Best Laid Plans before, and I actually didn't have a reaction to it other than, "This is very different from Cascading Ruins." And I think the sex in that one was much more explicit, so it was never the sex I had a reaction to - I mean, I am here for the Roostergina now, clearly. But Of Mice and Men shook me, and it wasn't because of the bottom!Bradley...but that it was just a very uncomfortable story in general, and I wasn't prepared for it (I was curious about the slick-milking part, lol).

She is a really, really amazing writer, and I have always told her this! But I think her being an amazing writer kind of made certain topics more harrowing for me to read because it was such good writing. I just wasn't prepared for the level of well-written misery in that fic. It was a very shocking, sad story. And I think for me, Rayson first landed thematically to me as something like that (it's fine - I've gone back and kudosed her fic, and I actually had to re-peruse Rayson to get into the Gooster mode, lol). Tbh, as Rayson has gotten more and more into "married man fucks his poolboy" kink scenario territory, it has actually gotten much easier to read, lol. It's still not personally fap, but I do skim Rayson sometimes out of curiosity (I read many things out of curiosity! I lack content!).

I have these very complicated thoughts about Roosmav because I really do have very deep feelings for this pairing. I am and will never be a Roosmav casual. But I'm not sure how to explain my feelings on some stories without them coming off as offensive because I certainly don't consider them bad writing - quite the opposite - but that they had been incredible writing of viscerally-distressing topics, if that makes sense.

I know they probably won't let me comment on it or any of their other fics again, which is why I have to write my thoughts on them out on here, but Milky Miles was really fun to read. It was graphic as hell: I think 70% of that fic is some gratuitously-detailed description of Miles Teller's vagina, which, lol, I was very here for - but it was super fun to keep up with. I know I wrote some weird things in my comments for it, but I really had to let them know that I unironically enjoyed that story. I suppose if it's the last thing I ever am able to speak on of theirs, then it was something that was a genuine joy to read. I appreciate Come As You Are for making my last round of TGM watches very fun in a different way.

So for me, there is a difference between sad + tragic!Roostergina and insane + fun!Roostergina, if that makes sense.

[smartzelda]

For the ask game

🌞🤭🎃🍦 I know this is asking a bit much, but I love seeing you gush about making fics so-

*GASP* Thank you best frien🥺🙏💖💖

ㅤ

🌞 Do you have a preferred time of day to write?

Not really!😂

Although I think my body's preferred time of day is sometime between 10pm and 9am so...not day at all😂

ㅤ

🤭 Do you have a favorite tag to use when posting your works?

Not really

I try to use my blog name as a tag and "my writing" for sorting purposes, but with the tumblr search being the way it is it doesn't help all that much😂😅

Other than that I don't have any special or fun tags when posting tbh

On ao3 though I do have some funny tags. I think my favorites I've used more than once are "Happy April fool's day and a new year's crackship", and variations of "It'll look like smut but it's just kissing guys I promise"😂😂

ㅤ

🎃 Do you write fics for certain holidays? Which is your favorite holiday inspired fic?

Okay, so picture me, reading this, running thoughts in my head like "Have I ever written a Christmas fic or Halloween fic" or "Have I ever written a fic for Valentine's day?"

And then it hits me

April 1st

The fool's day

So to answer your question (which I know you put this emoji for the purpose of this most likely 😂) yes. Yes I do write fic for holidays, but for one holiday in particular

For those of you who aren't aware, every year, Xion and I choose a "crackship". Crackship (affectionate), mind you. We think up a pairing, often including characters from different (or wildly different) properties (and sometimes from the same property), that most people wouldn't just consider, and for a whole day we pretend to be number one stans of it (making memes, brainrot posting, posting fic and fanart, the like)

Of course, I don't think I have to say that it backfires each and every time, and that by this point we're well aware that making content is a pipeline to liking the thing, but the point is that every year I write up a fic for a "crackship" I've never or rarely heard about

As for my favorite, I don't think anything can beat the lusid fic for me. 2021, the year of Luxu x Yen Sid was the very first time we tried this, and I don't think I've ever written kissing the same after that (and it was probably the best job I did at this annual game of ours, being that I posted a lot and did it for tumblr and twitter). I think, as funny as the concept of that fic is, it's more dear to me than you'd expect😂

ㅤ

🍦 What's the sweetest fic you've created so far?

Ah that's...really hard

I don't write a lot of fluff, but I wrote a surprising amount of fics with that tag last year.

My initial thought was "A Free Day", the last soriku fic I wrote, but when I think of Soriku I think of how intimately sweet "Alone Time" was despite it being smut first and foremost, and from there I think about "Yozora's Birthday", which has so much sweetness in it. Of course from there I cross the title thread with the opening scenes of "A Free Day" and I think about "Mikleo's Birthday", which (despite being an angst with a happy ending type fic) had such a sweetly domestic opening scene, with Mikleo waking up in bed and Sorey making him french toast

Idk, if I had to designate it by pure fluff factor, "A Free Day" would win, simply because it's one of the few I wrote to be purely fluffy, and the best written of those few. But without that factor I don't think I could choose, because there are so many fic scenes I have (posted and unposted) that tug at my heartstrings to this day

ㅤ

Anyways, thank you again for the ask, dear friend! I'm glad you love seeing me gush because I love having the chance to gush😂💖

(No seriously. I think if anyone started asking me about my writing and my wips it would take a lot out of me to not just let everything slip out, even stuff I have yet to post😂

...that's not discouragement by any means though 😳)

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

First of all, thank you so much for compiling all this, OP!!! This is impressive analysis and very eye-opening (even if in an utterly gutting way).

Like I knew M/M was more popular than M/F (as it always seems to be in fandom, sadly), but my god!!! I did not know the situation was this dire!!! I always figured Carmanda had way more fics tbh???? I'd never actually looked because I'm not super interested in reading/writing fic for the adult cast, but it seemed to have a popularity parallel to Lawrusso that made me think there had to be dozens of fics. Not...23??? Even as a casual Carmanda fan, that's a gut punch. And almost 2/3 of those have them playing second fiddle to Lawrusso anyways, it sounds like. That's...ugh. Kind of really hate this fandom's refusal to focus on f/f independent of the characters' friendships and relationships with male characters. I thought being the most prominent adult female characters in the show, Amanda and Carmen wouldn't have to suffer from a lot of this...and yet.

I'll admit I'm kind of a mixture of pleasantly surprised and disheartened that YasMoon (a ship that I definitely consider at OTP status and has rivaled my love for Elimetri on several occasions) is one of the most popular f/f ships for Cobra Kai??? Like yay, YasMoon is (proportionally) popular among the f/f that DOES get written in this fandom!!! But also...how bad does the sapphic situation have to be for 23 total fics and 12 focused fics to be considered a top femslash pairing in a sea of thousands of fanfic???

Welp. I've been toying around with the idea of binge-writing a bunch of YasMoon songfics, but was hesitating for basically...the exact reasons OP talked about. I figured practically no one would read them. Next to no one in this fandom wants to really engage with wlw over mlm, regardless of the actual pairing ;_____; (god knows my MoonPiper content barely gets interaction either). But now??? This is my solemn duty. I must pump out as much of That Lesbian Shit as possible and skyrocket those damn numbers until there is a halfway acceptable amount of wlw in this damn fandom!!! This is the push I needed to finally just go on the feral YasMoon spree I've been craving for months, and for that I must thank you. My lesbian fics may get ignored, but every revolution starts with thankless, invisible work </3

I am picking you up and spinning you around like a princess OP because we need a femslash event SO FUCKING BAD!!! I will gladly participate in anything you have to offer, and probably churn out far more than I ever dreamed I could because I'll just get that gripped by Divine Lesbian Inspiration. Throughout the entirety of @dykesynthezoid's event(s), I will be in a little lesbian hermit cave hissing at anyone who dares disturb me.

Also pspspspsps followers!!! This is an open invite to come write YasMoon with me!!! Or any Cobra Kai lesbians you want :3

Cobra Kai: Femslash Ao3 Statistics

Yeah. This took a while and the results were kind of depressing. But I have graphs!

Some necessary notes/disclaimers before we get started:

- I am only human and it is inevitable there may be small errors in the data that I missed. This is a very rudimentary exploration and very little math was involved. I am not a mathematician or statistician and this is just an exercise, not a peer reviewed study (obviously).

- This is not a callout post. No one is attacking you for your writing habits specifically. This is an analysis of trends first and foremost, not a criticism of individual behaviors. If you feel yourself getting defensive while reading this, please take a step back and consider why you might be reacting that way. Also, if you say something stupid on this post, I will just block you, obviously.

- You may be thinking, “Wow, all that seems a little presumptive, why would people say stupid things on this post?” And to that I say: God I wish that were me. Unfortunately, people in fandom have a habit of being weird about femslash.

Okay. Let’s get into the numbers!

*Note: This data was gathered 6/23/23.

Firstly, we have a basic breakdown of CK’s Ao3 categories laid out in bar graph form:

As to be expected, M/M takes the lead, accounting for just under 2/3rds of all CK fic on Ao3. Granted, M/M’s popularity is no surprise when you consider the fandom’s most popular ships and the characters and relationships that feature most prominently in the show.

Now, note that these are taken from the category numbers as listed by ao3’s filter system. The number listed for F/F is 360.

However— This does not reflect the actual number of CK fics containing F/F hosted on ao3. This is because a. many authors have mistagged their works and b. the ao3 filter system is flawed, and some fics end up where they shouldn’t (the ‘Multi’ tag definitely contributes to this).

Soooo I went through CK’s entire F/F tag and counted which fics were, in fact, actually F/F.

(If you’re wondering about criteria—Firstly: they had to have a Cobra Kai character in an F/F pairing. Crossover fics with two characters of an entirely different fandom in an F/F pairing weren’t counted. There had to be at least one CK character involved in the F/F in question. Secondly: Actual textual mention of F/F, even if it’s just one tiny sentence. Literally I’d take anything. I need you to know I was NOT harsh about this, truly I was looking for “does this have F/F in any way whatsoever and is it Cobra Kai”)

The number for actual F/F fics came out to 313.

(*Note: there are some areas in this data where standards become unavoidably subjective, so there’s a necessary margin of error. Plus, your preferred methods may be different! These are just mine).

Here’s a pie chart comparing the number of actual F/F fics (313) to the total number of non-F/F CK fics (which was found using the total number of CK fics on ao3, minus actual F/F).

As depicted, F/F content comes out to 5.7% of the total CK fics on Ao3. 5.7%. That… Sure is a number!

Remember how M/M is the most popular category? I wanted to see what the data looked like if we controlled for it. In its simplest form (like, aggressively simple, this would go differently if this were a formal study), this means removing all M/M fics from the data; and dear god, note that this is not because I don’t like M/M or something (lmao), it’s just because it gives us insight into how the popularity of M/M can affect the overall breakdown of the data in question.

That being said, here’s a bar graph with CK’s Ao3 categories, now adjusted with M/M controlled:

Honestly, I found it nice that Gen fic is so popular in this fandom? You don’t see that everywhere. That being said, it’s obvious that even when we’re disregarding the most popular category (M/M), F/F still lags wayyyyy behind Gen and M/F.

(If you’re interested in more percentages: controlling for M/M, F/F makes up 10.4% of all the non-M/M CK fics).

Now that we have our overall categories data out of the way, let’s look at the breakdown of F/F specifically. This is a bar graph featuring the 6 most popular F/F ships (“popular” meaning they have more than 10 fics. I know. It’s rough out here), plus the overall number of genderbent M/M or M/F.

It’s so funny to see SamTory winning this one because I can tell you, it sure doesn’t usually feel like they’re that popular of a pairing when you’re someone who writes for them. But, considering all their canon interactions, it’s understandable why they’re the most popular F/F pairing, even if F/F overall is still underrepresented.

Our last bit of data focuses on how often F/F pairings are used as background for other ships. This graph takes the previous breakdown of the 6 most popular F/F ships, and compares it to the number of fics each pairing has where the F/F pairing isn’t just in the background.

The criteria for that: the F/F ship is a. featured prominently, b. has an impact on the plot/story, and/or c. features scenes that focus particularly on the F/F ship interacting.

(Note: in effort not to bias the data against drabble compilations, those fics are counted as long as at least one of the drabbles focuses specifically on the F/F relationship in question).

Man. Some of these are just brutal. Even Sam/Tory is cut down by almost a quarter.

Ok, so, this is all very interesting. But; what do we do with this information?

Well; I think the biggest takeaway is just that F/F is still really, really, really underrepresented in the fandom. And I think most fans would have guessed that was the case, but they might not have realized just how bad it was. While I would still expect M/M to be the most popular, given what I stated earlier, the fact that F/F is that far behind both M/M and M/F is… upsetting. Like, the discrepancy shouldn’t be THAT big. 5.7%. There are so many female characters in this show, interesting ones, who interact with each other and have complicated relationships. It doesn’t seem like it should be possible for numbers to be so extreme.

Some good news: we can always just write more F/F! I’ve been talking about potentially planning an F/F event and I’m definitely moving forward with that (let me know if you’re interested!) I’ll also soon be starting a blog to host that event and any other events that relate to F/F, basically a home for F/F CK content. If you’d be interested in helping mod that, please let me know for that as well.

Okay; thanks so much for sticking around to the end. I know that was long! Trust me, it took quite a while to write all this out.

[yutasbellybuttonpiercing]

Kinktober Day 04

Role Play: Sexual Roleplaying involves acting out various sex scenarios with a partner while one or both parties are in character.

Pairing: Na Jaemin x fem!reader

AU/Genre: smut, established relationship, non-idol!au, humor...?

Word Count: 1649 words

Warnings: oral and fingering (f receiving), role played cheating???, that poor imaginary bf gets kinda slandered tbh, Na Jaemin has a big dick, lowkey size kink, dirty talk, Reader is not good at comforting, please don't do this. For humorist purposes, it works in this story, but... sorry, I'm giggling as I'm typing this out. Just don't do this.

A/n: this is the absurdest thing I've ever written, and I actually screamed while writing it, but I wanted to try something new, so here it is. *forces a smile*

Taglist: @matchahyuck @seraphinealana @ker00 @allaboutthedongs @baehaechannie @iwannabreathetosetmefree @positionslab @jjenodream @kundann

One could call you many bad things, for example messy because don't clean your room all the time, or inefficient when instead of working, you tap away on your phone one hour before lunch at the office, or even unfashionable for buying that one coat last fall – ugh. But there's one thing people can't say about you, and that's you being a bad girlfriend.

You are the girlfriend of Na Jaemin who is basically the love of your life, as cliché as that might sound. You met in primary school, crushed on each other during middle school, fell in love in high school, and started dating right after. There's not a thing that he doesn't know about you, and there's not a thing that you don't know about him. You trust each other, are attached by the hip, and love each other unconditionally.

Which leads to one tiny problem. Sharing a housing and a heart, you can obviously tell if Jaemin's feeling down, and that inevitably affects you as well. This time, it's something rather big and serious, and you've struggled quite the while with how to deal with it.

Jaemin always wanted to become a doctor. Ever since the day you met, he told you about how exciting it must be to save people's lives on the daily, how it must feel to be a literal hero. You'd always agreed and supported him, even when he realized that being a doctor is much more than just saving lives and feeling great, or when finals came around and you had to help him study like crazy to keep his grades high enough for medical school.

The crushing realization had dawned on him for quite some time, hence he's always avoided that topic with his parents. He knew that they'd probably want him to take over their company once he's old enough, and would therefore not support his dream of being a doctor (and yes, you've had a few outbursts of anger because who the fuck wouldn't prefer a doctor as a son?!).

Jaemin had always dreaded that day, and when it finally came along, he wasn't surprised. But that didn't make him any less disappointed.

Fast forward half a year, and Jaemin's grown accustomed to the lifestyle that comes with working at his father's company, he seems happy even, bringing home fun stories to tell over dinner.

You still feel like there's something missing.

And that brings us back to why people could never call you a bad girlfriend.

"Honey, I'm home," it sounds from the hallway, announcing the arrival of your sweet boyfriend Jaemin. You grin as you hear him take off his shoes and socks before stepping into the living room. He calls out for you again, the soft smacking of his naked soles against the wooden floor coming closer to the bedroom door.

"Baby?"

"Doctor, finally," you sigh, placing the back of your hand on your forehead. You're laying down on your bed, but you've removed all of the pillows and blankets and put out a big towel instead. Besides that, you're also wearing a hospital gown, and you just hope that this works and Jaemin never tries to guess where you got it.

"What are you doing?" Jaemin asks in amusement.

"Doctor, I really, really need your help. You have to save me, please," you whine, proud of your performance as you raise your head to watch Jaemin step towards you.

You clear your throat, "um, I think you should wear your coat, don't you think? It's hanging over there," you point at the white fabric that dangles from the clothing hanger attached to your wardrobe.

Jaemin chuckles, but complies, putting the thing on before turning back to you. You gulp, and mentally scold his parents for not letting him look like this every day of his life. "What seems to be the problem, b- uhh Miss?"

You suppress a smile, then clear your throat once again to get back into your role. "Well, I've never told anyone this before, but I think there might be something wrong with me."

"Ah, don't worry. There is probably nothing wrong with you, but I can surely check."

"Please, it's urgent. I can't concentrate anymore... the problem is that I can't cum," you lie, giving him the most innocent eyes you can muster. Jaemin presses his lips together, assumingely to hide his amusement before he catches himself.

"I'm sure a pretty girl like you has a boyfriend to take care of that."

"Unfortunately, no," you lie again, lips quivering. "I really need your help, Doctor."

"If that's all, I'm sure I can help you out with your problem. Though, due to the fact that this condition is a highly unusual thing for me to treat, your insurance won't cover the costs," Jaemin says, putting on a fake concerned expression as he raises his eyebrows.

"Please, I'll do anything! Tell me what I can do."

"Well, why don't we trade this fairly, one orgasm for another. Does that sound like a deal to you, Miss?"

You nod your head quickly.

"Okay, I will begin my treatment, then. Tell me if anything hurts, alright?"

"Mhm, yes!" Excitement bubbles through your veins as Jaemin steps even closer, looking at you.

"You're going to have to undress for me, Miss, or else I can't start with my examination."

"Oh, of course," you chirp, quickly ripping the gown off your body to reveal your bare body to Jaemin's eyes, who sucks in a breath at the sight. He studies your form as if it's really his first time seeing it, and you get even more aroused at the sight.

"No boyfriend, huh? What a shame. Or could it be that you actually do have one, but he can't satisfy you? That must be it, right?" Jaemin says, finally laying a hand on the soft skin of your thigh. The look in his eyes tells you exactly where he wants this to go.

"I'm sorry, Doctor. I lied. Yes, you are correct. He just can't make me cum," you nod, biting your lower lip between your teeth.

"I knew it. What a naughty girl you are, letting another man touch you just because you're so greedy for an orgasm," Jaemin speaks lowly, a smile forming on his face that he can't hold back.

"Yes, I'm so, so naughty," you whisper, breath hitching as his hands travel over your exposed thighs.

"Then why don't you spread your legs and let me get to work? What do you prefer, tongue or fingers?"

"Doctor!" You moan at his lewd words, spreading your thighs immediately, then quietly add, "both..."

"Both it is," Jaemin mumbles, creating eye contact with you as he leans down to lick a fat stripe over your folds. You shiver, moaning out loudly at the sensation.

"Shh," Jaemin hushes you, "don't want anyone else in my office hearing what's going on in here, now do we?"

"N-no, I'm sorry," you mewl as he starts sucking on your clit, one of his fingers prodding at your entrance before slowly slipping inside. Your eyes roll back, fingers digging into the towel beneath you. Unfortunately for this role play, Jaemin knows exactly how to touch you, meaning you're nearing your orgasm faster than you'd hoped.

"S-stop, Doctor!"

He does, pulling back to take in your already fucked out form. "What is it? Are you cumming already?"

"N- uh- no! N-no! I wanted to say that- uh, this isn't working and we, um, should try something else..." You're actually proud of yourself for that lie.

"I see," Jaemin grins knowingly, but sits up anyway. "What else would you like to try?"

"Um... maybe you could f-fuck me?"

"Oh, fuck you?" Jaemin says loudly, making you feel a little embarrassed in the best way possible.

"Y-yes... you see, my boyfriend has a, um, a really small dick, it just can't satisfy me. And looking at you, I bet that yours is really, really big," you confess, batting your lashes at him who just grins. He gets up and takes off his pants to reveal the bulge that has formed in his boxers.

"Is this what you had in mind?"

"Mhm, yes. Fuck, Doctor, you're so big. Doesn't it get in the way of your work sometimes?"

Jaemin can't hold back a snicker, "sometimes."

He climbs over you to sit in between your spread legs, stroking himself a few times. You can feel your arousal dripping from your hole to soak into the towel. Both you and Jaemin know, though, that prepping you with only one of his fingers was not really enough to get you ready for him, and that thought excites you even more.

"I don't know if I can take it, Doctor," you admit, spreading your legs a little further for him.

"Oh, I know you can," Jaemin mumbles, lining himself up with your hole. Excitement rushes over your body, and you clench around nothing but the very tip of him as he slowly pushes insides.

With a loud groan from your throat, your walls struggle to adjust. He stretches you out further and further, his thumb on your clit just fueling into your orgasm.

"Doctor, I'm-" is all you can bring out before you feel yourself clamming down on his cock repeatedly. Your cheeks burn with blush as you cum just from him pushing his incredible size inside, your agape mouth letting some drool escape.

"Atta girl," Jaemin praises, as all you can respond with is a chorus of curse words.

"T-thank you, Doctor, f-finally," you stutter, completely overwhelmed with feeling so full, even though you've taken him hundreds of times.

"You came so good," Jaemin coos, bringing a hand up to stroke a strand of hair out of your face, "I bet you can do it again."

© 2022 YUTASBELLYBUTTONPIERCING all rights reserved — please DO NOT translate, take, nor repost any of my works.

[yoonpobs]

bad boy good thing x.

pairing: jeon jungkook x oc

genre: angst, smut, fluff, miscommunication (we hate her lol), pining

warnings: smut, jungkook is really an asshole, the angst hurts a lot tbh, unhealthy relationships (?)

words: 8, 711

summary: a series of drabbles where you're confused and jungkook's confusing

a/n:

so here is the mini monster chap !! i know I said this was going to be a drabble series but I clearly got carried away LOL

anyways, no spoilers for this chap but I can say it's one of my favs that I've written and I think we see oc getting the comfort that she deserves (and needs!)

and also !! this is my first time updating a series on tumblr and it feels *exciting* hehe, I hope you enjoy this chapter c:

let me know your thoughts in my asks!! i'd love to hear what you think so far :3

all the love and I hope you're having a great

day/night/evening/afternoon wherever you are ❤️

“Open up!”

The only person that would opt to yell to get your attention than ring on your doorbell like a normal person would be Yena. And it helped that you immediately recognised her voice from the first syllable she uttered. That and you were currently moping in your living room with lactose-free ice cream, courtesy of Jimin that dropped it off a day ago when he heard that you were ‘sick’. Even if you hadn’t seen him face-to-face, you remember him softly hoping you’d get better.

You don’t know why she’s at your door, but you’re already on your feet to get her when you hear her begin to mutter curses directed at you behind the thin wood of your entrance.

“I can hear you!” You call.

“Well bitch then open the damn door!” She snaps.

You roll your eyes, and so far with the number of times you’ve hung out with her, it’s safe to say that the two of you were comfortable. You never knew how fun having a girl best friend was until you met Yena, and sure it’s only been a little under two weeks since you’ve gotten to know her through various messages and FaceTimes, but you feel like she’s your friend soulmate.

And when you expressed that to her over a FaceTime call a few nights back, you remember her gagging all while you flush and attempt to take it back. You know her candidly calling you bitch rather than your name was her saying she felt the same.

You pull the door open as she stands there with her eyes narrowed into slits, eyeing you up and down before she scrunches her nose.

“There’s a thing called a shower that you should look into. You look like a rundown version of long-haired Noah Beck.” She grimaces when she eyes you up and down.

You scowl. “You did not just compare me to him.”

She clicks her tongue before she shoves you aside by shoving a plastic bag of the takeout food into your arms and steps into your apartment.

Yena ignores the glare you shoot at the back of her neck when she looks around your living room, scrunching her nose like she was here to inspect your room than pay you a visit.

“Did someone die in here or was that just your will to live?”

You scoff. “Wow. Drag me.”

She waves you off before plopping onto your couch while you sigh, immediately heading to the kitchen to prep the food she brought over.

“For a moment I thought you were dead.” She confesses casually.

When you return with bowls and plates, with the cutlery to match—you give her a dry look before you’re taking your seat on the floor; attempting to hide your half-eaten tub of ice cream, which Yena immediately spots.

“So your first instinct was to yell at my door in hopes that I wasn’t actually dead?” You ask dryly.

She picks up your ice cream and grimaces at it, silently judging you for the flavour before she gives you a shrug.

“Yeah. I was hoping that your spirit would confer.”

You snort. “And the food?”

“A peace offering.” She tells you like it’s obvious.

You sigh, you loved Yena—you really did. She was all over the place and random, but it was a refreshing difference that you needed in your life from the usual law and order you often opted for.

“Not that I don’t appreciate your concern,” You tell her, pulling out a container to see your favourite lemon chicken as you eye her suspiciously. “But what brings you here? I told you I was sick.”

Yena scoffs. “And sick you are, bitch. What kind of sick person devours ice cream? Sure, you look the part but your diet says otherwise. Don’t think I didn’t see the empty packet of snickers in the trash.”

You scowl.

“I recovered yesterday.” You lie, taking a bite out of the chicken.

Yena rolls her eyes and you know she doesn’t believe you. She leans into your couch while she watches you eat, “Namjoon texted me that you may need some company.” At that, you choke.

Her eyes widen as you hit at your chest to get the food to go down, eyes still wide at her revelation.

“Why would he do that?” You cry.

“Girl, I know you’re not trying to deflect—you’re literally about to choke and die.”

You glare at her. “I’m fine.” You cough for good measure, then you’re levelling another serious gaze at her.

“I’m fine.” You reiterate with an emphasis on your state even though you were anything but. “I don’t know why the hell he thinks I need company.” You mutter under your breath.

At this, Yena’s face softens as she leans forward to rest her elbows on her knees while you avoid her gaze; idly poking at your food.

“I don’t know either, and you don’t need to tell me anything.” She says softly. “That’s all I’m here for. To be your company, whether you need it or not.”

You don’t know how much Namjoon told her over a text message, but you don’t think it’s much. Purely because he didn’t seem like a snitch and he was too respectful to ever let other people into the business that wasn’t his own. Even at the thought, you want to groan because you essentially lured him into thinking it was okay for him to kiss you while you were … you don’t even know what the fuck was happening anymore.

“I—” You say weakly, and all Yena does is offer you a comforting smile.

For some reason, the fact that she’s here right in front of you after you spent the day crying and feeling like your heart has been repeatedly stomped over with the addition of your rumination—it feels nice to have someone with you, even if it’s just their presence.

But the way she doesn’t look at you and expects something out of your conversation makes you feel even more overwhelmed, and that’s probably why the dam breaks.

Yena’s eyes widen as she immediately darts out to wrap her arms around you when you end up in violent sobs. You don’t know why you’re crying but you are, and you’re tired of hiding things, your feelings and your intent just to pretend like things were okay.

“It’s okay.” She strokes your hair and it feels warm, like a mother comforting a crying baby and you realise that this is what friends should feel like.

“N-no it’s n-not!” You cry into her shirt and it’s messy, but she doesn’t seem like she minds. Especially when she supports your pliable frame.

“You wanna talk about it?” She asks softly, giving you a kind smile.

You sniffle, staring forward as you feel your eyes swell with the escalation of your tears.

“I don’t know.” You whisper.

She hums, “It’s okay not to know. You don’t need to know everything.”

“I’m just so tired, Yena.” You tell her in a hushed breath.

“Life is difficult.” She admits. “It’s natural to be tired.”

You’re thankful to hear that she doesn’t comfort you with blind optimism. She’s real and she acknowledges how shitty things may be, and frankly, you didn’t need another wannabe altruist telling you that things will get better. You knew that, everyone did. But when you’re at rock bottom and all you see is darkness, you’re not looking for better. You’re looking for a reason to continue.

“Can I say something?” She asks. The way she looks at you is soft and open, and non-judgemental. You feel safe.

You nod your head, teary eyes staring up at her.

“You’re not responsible for anyone’s feelings except your own.” She looks at you so seriously that you nearly feel your breath escape. “There are things that you can and cannot control—and the latter usually falls under the people around you.”

You suck in a breath, and you wonder how she’s so spot on without ever touching on the true context.

“Namjoon texted me but I didn’t come here because he asked me to. It’s because you deserve to have someone be around you when you’re clearly not okay.”

“I’m—”

“You’re not.” She blinks, and you almost pout at her firm tone. “And that’s okay. I don’t need to know what happened to justify how you feel. You could’ve stubbed your toe and feel like absolute shit and I have absolutely no right to judge you on how or when you feel emotions.”

You wonder where she’s been your entire life and why she was only in your life now.

“But the thing is,” She sighs. “You don’t always have to choose between something or the other. Sometimes you need to choose yourself.”

You stare up at her in awe because Yena was cool in general, her laidback and unbending personality was mainly what drew you to her because you’d argue you were the opposite. Even if Jungkook’s words stung, you could take it at face value and accept that it was true.

You were uptight and you were a bit of a prude, and for the longest time, you always resented that aspect of you. But you realised with Yena, she had traits that were resented in a woman as well. And you realise that you’d never be perceived the way you want unless you perceive yourself in a positive light first.

So when she speaks to you so sternly, yet with a tone of care as she picks apart her words so carefully—you realise what you have to do.

“I think I like Jungkook.”

Yena pauses for a brief second, but you don’t see any judgement in her face. Just confusion, a warranted emotion you don’t blame her for having.

“I figured as much.”

Your eyes widened, “How—?”

It’s almost like a repeat of the first night at the football game when you befriended each other, but she only shoots you a gentle smile.

“Call it a woman’s intuition.”

You blink, fiddling with your fingers before you stare up at her, continuing your drawls.

“And we kissed.”

At this, Yena cocks an eyebrow up, “Was this recent?”

You fiddle with your thumbs before you sigh and push yourself up.

“Thing is …” You mumble, “I’m not like that.”

You don’t answer her question because you can’t think of a proper enough response to tell her that yeah—you did kiss him, amongst other things that you foolishly allowed yourself to indulge in. You knew Yena wasn’t judgemental but you also knew that you couldn’t retrieve your words the moment they left your mouth. It was your own judgement that stopped you from saying the things you really wanted and it sucked, royally. Because you could tell that Yena wasn’t out here to crucify you for being … liberated. She just wanted to be there for you.

Yena scrunches her eyebrows in confusion as she allows your words to settle, pondering a response.

She settles for a huff, “Care to elaborate?”

“I don’t … do things like that.” You say softly. “I’m shy and quiet. I’m not active in the social sphere and I only have three friends that I can reach out to if I wanna hang out. But even then, I don’t … I don’t like partying, or drinking, or loud spaces. I’m awkward and horrible at social interaction let alone being able to navigate my romantic feelings. And … I felt so bad about it.”

Yena’s eyes soften, but you can’t look at her just yet. Not when this is the first time you’ve ever laid yourself vulnerable, emotionally that is, to someone that wasn’t just the confines of your thoughts.

“I always wondered what it’d like to be confident, to be liked on campus and not just be known as the smart girl.” You whisper. “My entire personality was built around my achievements and I didn’t know what else to do. What if … what if I peak here and fail after?” Your eyes are wide in despair, and you feel your lips quiver when you speak.

“You’ll never know.” Yena reminds you gently. “You won’t know who likes you or what people say about you—but you’re going to be hearing your own thoughts 24/7 and that’s what kicks you down or drives you further.”

You sigh, nodding your head.

“It’s just … Jungkook and I were close. We grew up together even if he’s younger than me. But we just got along well and he … he saw me. He used to comfort me whenever I’d tell him how pressuring it got and—I feel so stupid because he probably says that to everyone and I fell for it.” You chuckle with no emotion, staring at the stray thread poking outside of your couch pillow.

“Have you spoken to him about your feelings?” She asks softly.

Immediately, you scoff and the sour emotion peaks through again.

“He’s made it clear what he wants to hear from me.” You mutter.

Yena purses her lips before resting her hands gently on your shoulder.

“You’re not answering my question, ______.” She chides gently.

You nibble on your bottom lip and shake your head. That earns a sigh from her as she wraps her arms around you once again, resting her chin on your shoulder as you allow yourself to feel the comfort of her warmth.

“He kissed me first and we did things together.” Your lips quiver when you recall the memories, “A-And he’s with Jennie. I just …” You flutter your eyes shut, “I don’t want to say that I’m the other girl but I feel a lot like a second option and it sucks.”

Yena doesn’t ask, and she doesn’t need to. She doesn’t need to justify why you felt the way you did, so she holds you tighter.

“Babe.” She gently turns you to look at her with both hands resting on your shoulders. “Did you talk to him? Properly? Do you really know if he’s with her?”

“I think them kissing proves enough to me.” You snap, and you don’t know why you’re being so hostile, especially to Yena.

She purses her lips, “You kissed him and you aren’t together.”

You wince and she shoots you an apologetic look. She sighs before reaching out to squeeze your hand, all while you stare at the ground to level out your emotions.

“I’m not saying that you can’t feel the way you do. But I’m offering objectivity here. Men are … they’re blunt creatures and that’s the biggest difference between men and women.” You furrow your eyebrows as she takes a deep breath before she continues. “And the idea that we’re equal? No, we’re not. I’m not talking about our systemic positions in society but on an emotional level. Men take things surface value and work with it, they don’t stop to think about the layers of feelings that go into interpersonal relationships with friends, family or lovers. Women? We go big or we go home. All we see is the big picture and sometimes the little details get lost in translation. This isn’t me justifying Jungkook playing home with you or Jennie at the same time, but offering you a perspective that may be hard for you to see because you aren’t him.”

It was true, and you hated yourself for being aware but not putting action based on your own thoughts. Yena only reaffirmed the idea that you overthought every single interaction and maybe that was why you were the one that was hurting.

That, or you and Jungkook had horrible communication problems that neither of you was ready to face just yet. But how could you? When the two of you were on two different wavelengths and you were trying to be just enough for him while he was jumping off pedestals to see you.

It didn’t feel nice, and it sucked because he was the same person that comforted you and broke you all at once.

“I’m scared.” You whisper.

She smiles at you gently, patting your head gently as you peer up at her with tears between your lashes.

“And that’s okay.” She reassures you with a soft voice, “The only thing scarier than being scared is not feeling at all.”

Before you go to where your heart tells you to—your mind is the only thing that keeps you rooted in some form of rationale. That’s probably why you’re outside of Namjoon’s dorm. You don’t think you’ve ever paid his place a visit despite him telling you his address on multiple occasions, usually opting to hang out in public yet serene places where you were able to get a breather.

Your feet feel heavy and your fist is raised, but it barely moves. Especially when you’re just eyeing his door like a deer caught in headlights. You’ve rehearsed the apology on your tongue a million times, even if you don’t really know what you’re apologising for. But you feel like you must, particularly because you’ve senselessly let him see all of the feelings that you were trying to suppress in hopes of retaining the same ones he had for you.

You take a deep breath and deliver the first knock, the vibrations making your arm feel weak.

But you’re tired of always surrendering to bigger and more frightening things that you could understand. So you purse your lips and play the waiting game.

It seems like a long twenty minutes that you wait, but in reality, it’s only two when the door swings open. You brace yourself to see Namjoon, apology already sitting on your tongue.

You should’ve dropped a text, you knew that. But you decided against it because you haven’t spoken to Namjoon since what happened a few days ago. Neither of you speaking about the kiss or the way your eyes glistened when you saw Jungkook and Jennie together.

“____?” He asks confusedly.

You give him a meek smile, “Hi. Can I come in?”

He blinks at you, and you notice he still has his glasses that he usually forgoes during the times you’ve hung out—and you feel a little guilty for catching him at a bad time.

“Yeah.” He clears his throat. “Sure.”

Namjoon steps aside and you’re welcomed into the space of his living room. The first thing you notice is the interior, and how … Namjoon it was. It’s both cluttered and neat, the palette of his furniture matching the overall vibe he emanated. His furniture is mostly wood, light sandalwood that makes it feel all the homier.

And you tell him such, “You have a very homey place.”

Namjoon turns his head to look at you right before he plops himself back onto his couch where you see the bits and pieces of paper scrambled across the floor and the couch. Even then, he was able to look so welcoming even though you reckon he has a right to be hostile—for a reason you came here to apologise for.

“Thank you.” He flushes, patting a spot in front of him for you to take your seat.

When you settle, the atmosphere turns strained when you mull over your words so that you wouldn’t stumble over them. You practised, you did—about a hundred times before you came here and you thought you were ready to apologise and put things behind you but it’s proven difficult when all he does is look at you in earnest.

“Not that I—uh—mind,” He mumbles, “But is there a reason why you’re here?”

You blink at him as you ignore the quiver in your heart.

“I’m sorry.” You blurt.

“_____ why are you—”

“You didn’t deserve what happened the other day.” You interject, voice soft but unwavering when you force yourself to look at him as his eyes widen.

“I wasn’t the one that saw something I shouldn’t have.” He reminds you with a frown.

You swallow, “I kissed you. And you …” It wasn’t helping that he was looking at you so gently as he awaits your continuation. “You didn’t need to save me back then, Namjoon.” You end in a whisper.

Namjoon reaches out to grab your shoulder, touch gentle as he searches for your eyes.

“I didn’t save you …” He tells you tenderly.

“It’s not just that!” You exasperate while you throw your hands up in the air. “I-it’s everything … from the way you treat me and the way you look at me. You didn’t need to do any of that and you even—” You trail off, fluttering your eyes shut. “—what did you say to Jungkook right before we left?”

Namjoon’s eyes enlarge as his grip becomes tense against your shoulder. You can almost see the way his mind kicks into gear as he thinks of a response.

“That—I—does it matter?” He huffs.

Your eyes soften, “Namjoon.” You force yourself to look at him even if now he was the one that tries to avoid your gaze. “What did you say?”

Namjoon tightens his lips before he sighs deeply, head dropping forward before he looks at you.

“I told him to be honest.” He says softly.

You furrow your eyebrows, “To be honest …?”

“I know you have feelings for him.”

Your face blanches when Namjoon basically exposes you. It’s one thing for you to be self-aware of your complicated feelings towards the other boy. But when someone else points it out, especially when it’s Namjoon—the boy who’s been nothing but kind and patient with you while you’re too busy being caught up in your emotions—it’s like a slap across your face.

“I-I don’t—”

“You don’t need to lie to save my face, ______.” He chuckles dryly, eyes darting away as he tries to neutralise his expression. You wince at the spite he establishes, but you know deep down that Namjoon isn’t angry at you. No, he was far too understanding to be. Disappointed? Frustrated? Sure, but never angry,

The silence answers for you when you look away this time, eyebrows scrunched as you attempt to navigate the conversation. You came here to apologise, and to be honest.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper.

“Don’t.” He takes a deep breath as you flinch. “Don’t … apologise.” He sighs.

“I didn’t mean to lead you on, Namjoon.” You murmur apologetically.

He shoots you a half-hearted chuckle, “You didn’t do anything. Really.”

“But I did, Namjoon. I kissed you back.” You frown.

“That doesn’t imply anything. I kissed you, and you reciprocated. We all kiss someone and not mean anything by it.”

You flinch, and you’re familiar with that more than anyone else. The reminder only stings because it makes you realise that you were not much different from Jungkook, the same person you’ve claimed to have messed with you and fucked you over.

“I’m—”

“Please don’t apologise anymore.” He says. “I already feel like shit.”

You smile sadly at him, “How do you manage to be so nice even when other’s do you wrong?”

Namjoon sighs, then he grabs both your hands in his. “You didn’t wrong me, _____. It’s not your fault you don’t feel the same way I do.”

“How did you …” You trail off.

“How did I know you had feelings for Jungkook?” He chuckles. “The same way he knew I had feelings for you.”

You purse your lips, eyes dropping to your lap. “It’s not that simple, Namjoon …” You say softly.

Namjoon smiles at you gently, “Is it?” He gently nudges your knee with his so that you’d look at him. “Life is simple. It’s not easy. But it’s simple.”

You scoff even if a small smile teases your lips, “You really are a philosophy major, aren’t you?”

The two of you grin in tandem before he purses his lips, possible mulling over something before he faces you.

“The two of you are close so … why beat around the bush?”

Your eyes flutter shut, shaking your head. “Like I said, it’s really not that simple.”

He rolls his eyes at you, but it’s not to mock or taunt you. Namjoon simply sees a naive, yet an intelligent girl who doesn’t see what’s right in front of her.

“Remember what I said? I’m a simple guy.” He reminds you, lips in a grin. “Try me.”

You snort, but you’re still nervous. You still remember that he has feelings for you, so you’re hesitant. And he immediately recognises the guilt-ridden expression that you mar.

Namjoon shoots you a stern glare, “Don’t overthink it.”

You sigh.

“Jungkook and I …” You start, fiddling with your thumbs. “We grew up together.”

Namjoon rolls his eyes and shoots you another one of his bland stares. “I know the history. I just want to know why?”

You furrow your brows, “Why?”

“Why the two of you insist on being so emotionally constipated.”

You gape at his audacity, and you’re glad the atmosphere isn’t as tense because Namjoon simply snickers at your reaction.

“I am not—!”

He waves you off, “Really?” He adds dryly.

You purse your lips and relent, even if you didn’t want to agree with him—you knew that he was … right. To a certain extent.

“We kissed.” You blurt.

Namjoon raises an eyebrow, “That’s not surprising.”

You shoot him a dry look before he raises his hands in defence.

“He was my first kiss.”

At this, Namjoon’s widen.

“When you were in high school?” He pries.

You flush, embarrassed that you had to tell him otherwise.

“Two months ago.” You mutter.

Namjoon splutters, and you can’t help but glare at him when he quite literally chokes on his spit. You know you caught him off guard, but him rubbing salt in the wound that’s relatively fresh makes you scowl.

“Oh.” He clears his throat. Then he repeats, “Oh.”

You scoff, “Yeah. Oh.”

“Then … what happened?” You know he’s treading carefully with you when he asks you his question softly.

You purse your lips, and you recall every single moment you’ve shared with him. From giggles to hushed kisses, to intimate touches and sweat-stained sheets that have you gasping for air. You remember it all, and they meant … they meant the world to you, but just a speck in his memory.

“Things escalated and we … did stuff together.” You wince.

Namjoon nods in understanding, he gestures his hands around, “Like—”

“I’m a virgin.”

Namjoon blinks.

“And for the longest time, I felt embarrassed about it.”

“Oh.”

“I struggled to find my footing between being sexually liberated and being a woman because for the longest time I thought those two were mutually exclusive. For me, at least.” You say softly.

Namjoon only stares at you.

“And I always wanted validation from someone else to tell me that what I was doing was the right thing to do. Or the supposed thing to do. Never what I really wanted to do.”

“Not that I’m uncomfortable but … why are you letting me in on this?” Namjoon asks with a raised brow.

“Because I want to do something for myself for once.” You whisper.

“Okay …?”

“Why do you like me? Even if I’m … boring and not as sexy as other women?”

You sound pathetic, and the first person you find yourself comparing yourself to is Jennie—a beautiful, confident woman who looked so assured in herself.

“You’re not—”

You groan.

“Namjoon.”

“Okay.” He sighs. “If you’re asking me if I care that you’re a virgin, then no. I really don’t. Because frankly, that concept to me is false and problematic. Whether or not you’ve had sex or not isn’t any of my business.”

You duck your head.

“And I like you because you’re interesting. You’re funny and you’re assured in your own way. You don’t need to be a certain standard of pretty or sexy or whatever for me to like you. I like you because of the time we’ve spent together and that I’ve gotten to know you. The real you and not the person I admired from afar but the girl who throws in jokes out of nowhere but fits so well with the situation. The girl who’s willing to spend three extra hours of her time to help with content that wasn’t prescribed to her. I like you because I’d like to think I’ve grown to understand who you are.”

Namjoon says all of those things while staring at you straight in the face and you feel compelled to cry. Because no one has ever been so honest with you and you hate that your heart can’t reciprocate what should be an easy feeling that comes naturally.

“Fuck.”

His eyes widen.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He coos, a hand petting your hair gently as you sniffle.

“It’s not, Namjoon. Everything sucks because everything is so complicated. Why can’t I just have feelings for you instead?”

It’s selfish, and Namjoon winces. But you’re so overwhelmed that you miss it, and Namjoon is too nice to point his own feelings out.

“You don’t pick and choose your battles, _____.” He murmurs softly.

“That’s not what my mom told me.” You whimper.

He chuckles, “Yeah. Most people like to believe that because it makes them think that they have a choice over the bad things that happen in their lives. But in reality? They don’t. No one decides what happens to them. You pick and choose how you react to things. How you deal with situations and what you make out of those situations is what you can choose to do. You don’t like me, and that’s fine. You don’t have to just because I’m nice to you, _____. Being nice is the absolute bare minimum and something that everyone should feel and do.”

Your face crumbles, “Why are you so wise?”

Namjoon smiles, “I’m not. It’s called offering a different perspective. Just because I see things one way doesn’t make me any better than you who sees things in another. That’s why we meet different types of people throughout our lives. The good, the bad, the in-between. There’s always something people offer to us in the midst of chaos.”

You sigh.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon.”

He pats your head, “I said don’t apologise.”

“No, but I want to. You’ve been nothing but kind to me and you picked up a shitty situation to be in when Jungkook and Jennie were at the library. Even right after I kissed you. That was … a horrible thing to do. I shouldn’t have done that just because—just because I was confused … you don’t deserve that.”

He doesn’t look angry, and that’s even worst because you want him to react, to call you a bitch and say that you were a horrible person.

“I don’t.” He shrugs while you wince. “But a lot of the times we don’t deserve a lot of things that we get. And that’s okay. You did what you thought was justified then, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. But you’re hurting too, and you’re confused—that’s what drove you to do the things that you did, and even here. That’s why you’re apologising to me, right? Because you’re not as confused anymore?”

You shake your head.

“I am, I’m still so confused.” You whisper.

“Then let me offer you another perspective.”

You look up to him with big eyes as he smiles at you gently.

“You have feelings for Jungkook.” You immediately flinch, even if he didn’t hit you. But Namjoon continues. “You’re trying to keep the picture as simple as you can even if it hurts you in the process. But

“You don’t understand, Namjoon … we … did things … that I’m not proud off …”

“You don’t have to—”

“He was my first kiss. My first … sexual experience. Even if it was just … third base,” You cringe, but Namjoon isn’t judging you at all. “A-and that’s all I was to him. An experience.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Do I, Namjoon?” You say softly. “He said things to me that were so hurtful. And a stupid part of me forgives him but it still hurts every time I think about it and when I see him with Jennie.”

You whisper the words Jungkook’s said to you, and for the first time, you see Namjoon’s jaw harden. The most emotion that wasn’t rationale you’ve seen in Namjoon ever since you first arrived.

“I know it hurts.” He murmurs, holding you close. “And I really don’t want it to seem like I’m justifying his words … but would you want to hear me out?”

You purse your lips and nod nevertheless.

“Jungkook isn’t a bad person.” You blink, you never thought he was. “I know you don’t think he is but you want to. Because of the things he’s said to you because why would a good person say those kinds of things, right? But the world isn’t black and white like that. There’s a grey area where 99% of the population falls into because we operate on emotion and sometimes we say things that we may feel but not necessarily believe in.”

“Jungkook … he’s still young. And I know we’re in college and stuff but he’s still three years younger than I am and two years younger than you. He’s spoken to me about how hard it was to adjust to a high school life where you, Jimin and Tae weren’t a part of. And I don’t know about you but if the only friends I’ve ever known suddenly left because they had to … I wouldn’t know what to do either. He was at a point in his life where his environment played a huge part in the values and internalised beliefs he had.”

You look away as you reflect on his words, nibbling on your bottom lip.

“He mixed around with different groups of people, and I hate this saying but it’s still a common belief to many—especially people his age, almost out of high school. But the ‘boys will be boys’ mentality is more than just misogyny and sexism, but a culture where it feeds off complacency and peer pressure. Jungkook suddenly had to shift from three, good friends who were progressive and influential in an objectively good way to people he was obliged to like because they were his peers.”

You gape at him, purely because you knew that Namjoon was smart and wise but his introspection leaves you breathless and enlightened.

“But that doesn’t change the core of Jungkook,” Namjoon says. “He’s still Jungkook. He doesn’t know how to ask for things that he wants without feeling like he’s betraying his masculinity. And again, I’m not justifying his actions because he’s a grown man too. But he’s lost, and the only thing he knows to uphold this sense of masculinity is by being sexually liberated. Even if he conflates his own emotions with his endeavours.”

“I … I don’t even know what to say Namjoon.” You murmur, eyes looking up through your lashes.

“You don’t need to say anything. I just want you to be honest to yourself, not anyone else. But yourself.” He tells you, carding a gentle hand over your head.

You fiddle with your thumbs.

“What do you want?”

Despite you confiding two different people, you find yourself at a convenience store at 12AM, scarfing down ramen from a cup noodle because your mind was a funny place when it was muddled with a hundred different thoughts. You knew sleep wasn’t an option for you either, and you were hungry. But somehow you didn’t have anything back in your apartment that screamed ‘I’m in a crisis’ enough for you to eat.

Which is why you’re here, while the cashier keeps his eyeball to himself when he sees yet another college student who’s probably having their third mental breakdown of the day.

It is, but not for the right reasons, you think dryly.

You think you’re alone until the chime of the bell momentarily distracts you and you turn your head to acknowledge the next lone customer who may be going through their own set of issues, or had a fucked up sleeping schedule.

But you’re not expecting to make eye contact with Jennie, out of everyone or any stranger you could’ve come across.

She spots you, shoots you a weird look that has you nearly choking on a string of noodles before she moves on to what she came here to do and stops at the snack section, skimming through her options before she settles on a pack of shrimp chips. Your heart churns because they were Jungkook’s favourite. You don’t want to wonder why she picked them.

You turn to your noodles, scarf them down some more because you want to eat your thoughts away even if you’re half-considering to call Jungkook, tell him you wanted to talk. But you knew that if you spoke to him now when you were still sorting out your thoughts, you’d end up in a situation you won’t be ready to deal with.

So when you poke at your food and sigh to yourself, you almost miss the way the stool beside you scrapes against the floor as you cringe.

You turn to shoot a petty glare at the person, and you see Jennie; casually tearing open her chips and popping one into her mouth

You blink at her, and you’re left even more speechless when she juts her hand out as if to offer you a shrimp cracker. Like it was a weird symbol of a truce. Even if you weren’t really … enemies.

“Want some?”

You stare at her, and before you can think twice your lips are moving.

“The crackers or your company?” You say dryly.

Her eyes widen, and so does yours. You didn’t expect to say your exact thoughts and you don’t think she expected a quiet, timid girl like you to have said that—out loud at least. Like Yena said, everyone has a mean bone in them. Some longer and larger than others, but they were still there.

“Wow.” She huffs, but she doesn’t seem offended. “Rude, much?”

You wince and feel compelled to apologise. “Sorry.”

She waves you off and you feel odd to be sitting next to her. You always expected her to be more malicious, a lot more of a bitch. And you frown to yourself because you suppose it’s your own preconceived notions of her due to the association she has with Jungkook that had you thinking of her that way.

“What’s someone like you doing here on a weekday?” She asks off-handedly.

The term ‘someone like you’ doesn’t sit well with you, and you scowl.

“I’m eating. What does it look like?” You retort, and Jennie only raises an eyebrow at your response. Much like an angry kitten.

“Damn, I was just asking.” She mutters under her breath, “I’m hungry. Needed a snack.” She shakes the crackers in front of you, “You sure you don’t want one?”

You can’t believe her as you gape at her easy-going state when she thrusts the bag of crackers into your face yet again.

“No.” You furrow your brows, gently pushing it away as she shrugs her shoulders.

“It’s good.” She reasons, and you don’t know why she’s so adamant about having you take one.

The irrational part of you thinks she wants to poison you, to eliminate you for good so she won’t have to deal with your pathetic pining over a person that wasn’t even yours.

“I know.” You mutter. “I tried it before.”

Jennie nods her head slowly, observing the content of the packet on the back before she turns to face you, “Jungkook introduced this to me. Didn’t see the appeal but it’s addictive.”

You freeze, and your ramen soup is getting cold with the way you haven’t prodded at it for a while and in the air-conditioning in the convenience store. You feel your stomach drop, especially now that your initial suspicions were confirmed.

“That’s nice.” You grit. It really isn’t.

“Did he introduce it to you?” She asks with a tilt of her head.

Why you’re still talking to her, or why she was bothering to talk to you when she’s ignored you all this while—you aren’t sure. But you still answer her despite the spite that forms in your chest.

“I introduced it to him.” You inform.

She hums, unbothered. It only irritates you more.

“Is there a reason?” You huff. “Why you’re here?”

She raises an eyebrow, “I’m hungry?”

You scoff. “No.” You slam the table ever so slightly because even if you were annoyed and confused, you weren’t that brave and you didn’t want to cause a scene at a convenience store at midnight. “Why are you here. Talking to me.”

Jennie blinks at you, then stares at you for seconds too long that you flush under her unwavering stare before she ends up in a fit of giggles. You almost think she’s here to mock you, to call you out on your pathetic and humiliating pining for someone who doesn’t care about you the same way you do to him. But she pats you on the shoulder, and you want to think it’s condescending but it doesn’t seem that way at all.

“You’re an acquaintance. You looked like you needed the company.”

You frown, “I don’t.”

She rolls her eyes, munching on another chip.

“You do. Your posture looks depressing.”

“Excuse me?” You scowl.

“It’s true.” She shrugs. “You don’t seem the type to be here wallowing unless it’s really bad. You seem like you have your shit together.”

And because your mind is already muddled and confused, and filled with irrational thoughts. Her words set you off, and you seem to be underrating or overreacting more than usual. So you snap, you shove your cup aside that the soup nearly sloshes out and send her a glare so blazing that Jennie’s caught off guard.

“And you think you know me well enough to gauge whether or not I’m ‘like this’ or the type to have a perfect mental breakdown regimen because I’m smart?” You seethe. Jennie’s eyes widen. “I have mental breakdowns like every other student and I binge eat when I’m stressed and I fuck up from time to time. I curse, yes! I see your face. Oh does she not curse? Well, look at me, bitch. I can curse like a motherfucking sailor at sea when the fishes come because I’m human. I’m just like you. So fuck off with your ‘you seem like you have your shit together’ because I don’t and I’m so fucking annoyed with your stupid face whenever I see it because it only reminds me of Jungkook!”

The silence is defining, even the cashier stops counting his bills for the night because you don’t hear the rubbing of money together. You feel his stare on your back, and more pressingly, you feel Jennie’s shocked expression linger on your face, and now that you’ve come down from your rage. Your face heats up in embarrassment.

You don’t even recall what you said, except for the fact you’ve mentioned her and Jungkook in the same sentence. And your face pales.

“I …” She chokes.

You flush, before you’re turning away, snatching your belongings to leave and forget this convenience store and never return because you don’t think you can show your face here ever again.

But before you’re able to make a run for it, a hand grabs your elbow that stops you from moving any further.

“This is already as embarrassing—” You exasperate, trying to snatch your arm away.

“For a girl so smart, you’re really dumb, aren’t you?” She deadpans.

You gape, finding enough strength to retrieve your arm as you stare at her with a dumbfounded expression.

“Excuse me—?”

“Firstly, let’s unpack what you just said because there are a lot of things that need to be dissected here.” She says blankly.

You scowl, “Look I don’t—”

“One.” She blinks as if she was doing a presentation for a course and not talking to an alleged acquaintance. “I don’t think you should act a certain way just because you’re smart. You’re entitled to your own mechanisms and I’m not judging you for them. I was simply pointing out my own observations, and I’m sorry for being insensitive.”

You’re stunned to silence, because did Jennie just … apologise to you?

“Two.” She says. You listen silently. “I think you have things you need to talk to Jungkook about, and frankly—I would’ve stayed away if I knew that the two of you were a thing.”

“We’re not a thing!” You cry, face flushed.

She shoots you an unimpressed look, “Really. So that oddly targeted blow-up was because of your mental breakdown and not because you don’t have feelings for Jungkook?”

She’s the third person to call you out the same day, or within the first one in the next. And it’s even more embarrassing because it’s the girl you’ve compared yourself to countless times because of your own insecurities.

“Yes.” You snap childishly.

Jennie sighs, gesturing for you to sit on the stool. You want to defy her out of spite, but you’ve already gotten this far into the conversation and you feel like you’d miss out on something if you left now.

“Why are you mad at me?” She asks.

“I-I’m not mad—” You weakly protest.

“You are. There’s anger in you and if it’s not directed to Jungkook then it’s directed to me. Is it because I’m a woman?”

Your eyes widen, “What—?”

“Let me reword that,” She sighs. “Is it because I’m the woman with Jungkook?”

You flinch at her declaration, especially since she indirectly confessed to being with him, while you weren’t.

“I don’t …” You trail off in a whisper.

“I don’t blame you for being angry.” She says. “But I need you to understand that I would never have done anything with him if I knew that the two of you were together.”

“We’re not.” You blink, and her unimpressed look is still there that makes you speak a little louder. “We’re not together.”

She opens her mouth to say something, then shuts it. You see her furrow her eyebrows before she settles for a response that comes a few moments after.

“Okay, then if you’re not together then why the resentment?” She puts it so simply and now that you’re listening to her, you feel a lot stupider.

“I just …” You croak, fiddling with your fingers, “I don’t …”

She sighs, “Listen. We’re both women here. I know how it feels to be left in the dark when it comes to things like this but there’s no point in being angry at me when in reality it’s Jungkook you need to talk to. If you aren’t together then I don’t understand why you’re angry with me—or with him.”

You sit there in silence, nearly pouting like a scolded child.

“You’re his type.” You say softly.

Jennie pauses before she raises an eyebrow.

“And you believe that?”

You furrow your eyebrows, “I mean, of course?” You mumble, “You’re pretty, confident and sexy. Any guy would like you.”

For a moment, you think you’ve said too much. Looked to vulnerable. But Jennie doesn’t do the typical mean girl thing where she laughs in your face and threatens to expose you. Instead, her eyes soften, and her hand reaches out to hold yours.

“____.” She calls your name gently, and you look away, embarrassed. “You’re pretty. You’re confident. You are sexy.”

You flush, “No. I’m not.”

She scoffs, “_____, there isn’t a set definition of what a pretty woman is like. Nor is there a one-dimensional understanding of a confident woman. There are confident women who strut in their walk and commands all the attention in the room. But there are also quiet, assured women who are intelligent and confident in their capabilities. Both of them are so different, but the one thing that they have in common?” She prompts as your eyebrows furrow. “They’re both women who are worthy of love.”

You blink up at her when her tone goes softer.

“I don’t think I’m Jungkook’s type.” She tells you.

But for some reason you need to deny it, again.

“I think you are.” You mumble, “You’re … you. And you’re probably … experienced.” You cringe at what you say, and you’re mortified if you need to explain yourself to her. But Jennie immediately picks up on it, and you don’t notice how she tenses for a split second but recovers immediately.

“We’ve done things together, yes.” You feel your heart shatter, “But you don’t have to do anything with him for him to like you.”

You sigh, “Maybe. But that's the only way he’s ever wanted me.” You say so softly that Jennie almost doesn’t catch it.

Jennie’s face softens much more, turning into a much gentler expression as she nudges your chin to look at her. And when you do, you feel wounded. You feel so much less assured than you were when you were raging at her. You hated it, how she treated you so kindly when she should’ve been cursing at you like you did to her.

“Do you want to know something?” She asks.

You nibble on your lips before you nod your head.

“If someone doesn’t want you. It’s not because you’re lacking. It’s because they’re lacking the sense to perceive you in a way that recognises your inherent worth to be loved.”

Your breath hitches and Jennie continues.

“I’ve had instances where men didn’t want to sleep with me because I was too confident, too sexually liberated for them. As if who I slept with mattered because it wasn’t them. It was never going to be them.”

“I didn’t sleep with Jungkook.” You tell her, voice soft as if you needed to clarify.

“And you don’t need to. You don’t need to sleep with anyone for them to want you. If Jungkook only wants you for your body then he doesn’t deserve you.” She points out.

You feel your heart clench, and the realisation coming from Jennie only hurts even more.

“But he’s important to me …” You whisper.

“What’s important is not always what’s good for you.” She informs you with a gentle smile. “Your sexuality is yours. And if you want to sleep or be sexual with someone, you do it because you want to. Not because someone coerced you into doing it.”

Your eyes widened, “N-No. Jungkook didn’t force me. I consented. To all of it.” You murmur, “I wanted to do it. B-But I just felt so … lacking? In comparison and … since then all he’s came to me for was just … that.”

Jennie nibbles on her bottom lip, “Jungkook’s not a bad person.” She says softly. And she’s the second person that tells you that. So you know it’s a true reflection of his character.

“I know.”

She smiles, “We both do.” She nods, “But he’s misguided. He’s never had the ability to be with someone he really cares for and I think when that happened—he dealt with it the only way he knows how to.”

You furrow your brows, “But he’s with you.”

She shakes her head with a small chuckle, “No. Not emotionally, at least.” She informs. “And he doesn’t care about me. I know. He’s always kept me at arms-length away, and I’m fine with that because I don’t like him like that either.”

You blink, and your ears turn red. “H-How do you—?”

“How do I separate lust from affection?” She laughs. “It’s because I can. Not everyone can do that, and Jungkook is one of them.”

“But you just said that he didn’t care about you.”

“I’m not talking about me,” She smiles sadly.

Your eyebrows scrunch in confusion until you realise what she was implying. And you don’t want to assume anything, never. Because hope was the one feeling that was worse than fear and you didn’t want to subject yourself to that just yet.

“Oh.” You mumble.

She nods, squeezing your hand.

“I think he misses you.”

You purse your lips.

You missed him, too.