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jodilin65 · 5 years ago

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TUESDAY, APRIL 30, 2019 “I will remember and recover, not forgive and forget.”

Awesome meme I just shared on FB.

The girls read my message but are in ignore mode. No problem. :) Now I don’t have to worry about them coming between Tammy and I. As I would tell anyone, though, once you walk out of my life you don’t get to come back.

They really are a couple of conceited, narcissistic, selfish bitches showing their true colors. I would tell them so if it weren’t for Tammy, not that they could see, understand, accept and admit their faults. They’re very Kim. In other words, they can do no wrong and the world must revolve around them and them only at all times.

Following my discussion with Tammy, I really got to missing country living big time. I got to thinking of the reasons one of us or both of us may like Florida or not like it. I thought of the pros and cons of remaining in some type of community vs going rural, as well as cold vs warm climates. My heart is in the country but my reality is the city, like it or not.

The climate I really want to live in is Hawaii but there’s no way we could ever afford that. Remaining in the city is definitely more convenient but damn do I get sick of the constant noise, used to it or not. I miss the peace, space and open skies.

It’s quiet now but at 1 a.m. I was hearing a symphony of sirens, helicopters and small planes. Anything could erupt at any minute. It just gets so old. I have never lived anywhere this noisy. Ever. I used to think Jesse’s mutts were absolutely horrible and while they were definitely plenty bad enough in themselves, I would take that back over this shit in a heartbeat because that would be simple enough to drown out with sound machines. I just miss having to deal with one or two sources of noise instead of a million.

I wish there was a way to know in advance how we might like or not like any particular climate or place but there’s no way to know this. I only know for sure that I would hate to be back in a climate like Klamath Falls or smack dab in the middle of Los Angeles or New York City.

We’ve really got to choose where we settle wisely because I don’t know that we could afford to get back out. Tammy and Mark are going to have a lot more money than we’ll have. That’s the impression I get anyway.

I do worry about the humidity and the bugs and possibly losing our place to a hurricane. I also wonder just how often thunderstorms may wake me up when I have issues sleeping so much of the time as it is. Motorcycles are even worse of a problem there than here and I have a feeling loud car stereos would be as well.

But maybe we would just love it so much in Florida that we wouldn’t mind the humidity and the bugs because we would always have AC and we could really bomb the place well. We just can’t know.

If after a few years of living in Ohio, Tammy loved it as much as she’s sure she’s going to - remember, life isn’t usually what we plan it to be as Florida showed her and Cali showed me - even if we could afford to get our own place on an acre or two, assuming that land wouldn’t be left and its natural state, Tom would have to mow the grass or whatever was around the place and I know he would hate that. I don’t think we could afford to hire anyone like they’re likely going to for their place.

I like that you could still have high-speed internet and not have to drive nearly an hour to civilization for shopping and things like that but I just don’t know if we should consider rural in any climate.

I also don’t know that I would like living so close to Tammy. Would she bug us a lot? Or no? There’s no way to know without actually living near her.

I just hate the fact that it’s basically a toss of a coin wherever we go. We’re either going to be happy there or not. It may not be 100% perfect and it may not be 100% bad but we can’t know what side of the coin will be leaning on until we get there and experience it. Also, things change. Tammy started off happy in her park until things went downhill. I can relate! Every single place I’ve ever lived in got progressively noisy whether it started off just a little noisy or more than just a little.

I can just imagine what our mother would say if the bitch was still alive. “I told you. I told you both to stay in the country.”

I remember before she died telling her that we were looking into an adult community and expected her to say something like, “Oh, good for you.” Instead, I was first greeted with silence. A disapproving kind of silence. Then, “I don’t think that’s right for you.”

Yeah, bitch, you were right on that one. But it’s what’s feasible for an aging couple that isn’t very sociable with people regularly looking in on us or that we could just dial up if we needed anything.

I love summer because I prefer to be sleeveless and barefoot but it also makes sleeping and working out hard.

If we were in a colder climate, working out and sleeping would be easier and it would likely make things quieter as well. But then it’d be back to long sleeves, bulky robes, coats, scarves, slippers, socks, etc.

So I see the potential good and bad in all the various possibilities.

I warned Tammy that excessive barking and loose dogs have always been an issue in rural areas for us but she’s sure they won’t be an issue there. People do tend to see dogs as pets in the east rather than live outdoor decor that you have to provide food and water for, but still, I know how noise-cursed I am in general. The house closest to us would leave the barking mutts outside round the clock. They would have the wild kids out screaming and maybe sometimes coming onto our land. We would get the neighbor with the loud car stereo and if I could hear music and dogs on a 10-acre parcel, we’d certainly hear it on a smaller parcel. Sounds travel, especially out in the country, and car stereos travel nearly half a mile no matter where you are. Plus, you have hunters and dirt bikes.

So as much as I yearn for the country so much of the time, this is what I’m used to and this is where I’ll stay. We’ll move to Florida and we’ll either like it or we won’t, and just like with this place, we’ll deal with whatever we don’t like. There is no perfect place and if there’s anyplace close, I’m not meant to be in it.

I also told myself that if I went to a place like Ohio, I would have to spend so much of the time cooped up indoors if it was cold and rainy a lot of the time but then we would probably be cooped up in Florida as well due to the heat and humidity. It’s not like we would spend all day at the pool or the beach anyway. So it does seem that all climates and whether or not you’re in the country or the city definitely have their pros and cons.

Later…

Coincidentally or not, the commercial planes have been quiet since I complained. Guess they’re back in north flow and hopefully they’ll stay that way for a while.

St. Martins. That was the country Tammy was considering. I knew she had told me about a year ago but couldn’t remember which country until I asked her yesterday. They decided against it, though, because it would be just as humid there. I pointed out that summers in Ohio would be humid too, but as she said it would only be for a few months a year and not seven or eight months like in Florida.

When Alexa told me the temperature would only be two degrees warmer at 8 as opposed to just after 3 when Tom was up and available to go walking with me, I suggested we go then because that way I wouldn’t have to deal with loud landscaping, traffic, dog walkers and all the other shit you get in the daytime here. Well, it’s a good thing I suggested we go then because he had scheduled the car to charge at a certain time and it didn’t because he screwed up the scheduling. He’s using an app now that is better and found a nearby charging station for if the charging cord were to crap out before we get a backup.

We took the car to a car wash on Sunday but not the kind you drive through. You do it yourself with high-power hoses and dryers and it’s open 24 hours a day.

We went to Rite Aid as well where I decided to try Barefoot Pinot Grigio and their Chardonnay. Not much difference really. For the most part, wine is wine. But I do prefer Rosé and Merlot. Picked up a case of Strawberita as well. Yes, I could do without it, but I do like those end-of-the-day drinks when I go to wind down.

OJ will never be the same again without caramel Vodka added to it. That much I can say for sure! My homemade caramel screwdrivers are divine.

Kind of funny how I’ve gone from almost never drinking to drinking nearly every day but I guess everyone has their vice and it’s only one drink. It used to be coffee and tea but now I don’t have much of that, especially in warmer weather.

It’s not going to be that warm today. It’s only to get to 70° and all the way down to 47° tonight which sucks. It’s pretty windy out there now, too. At least it’s better for sleeping and exercise.

I called to make an appointment with a new shrink and at first I was given one for the first. But not only do we not want to drive all the way to South Sacramento, the guy, who seems to have recently come from Michigan, is Indian. Nothing against them but I’m tired of having to deal with hard-to-understand accents. He also has a couple of negative reviews but I realize every doctor is going to get at least a few because no one can please everybody. Hell, Dr. O has some negative reviews about the way she can come off as condescending, bitchy and stern. They’re right, though, LOL, even though the last couple of times I saw her she was very nice and she’s a great doctor.

Anyway, I was able to keep my appointment with the lady shrink in late September but hopefully by then I’ll be breaking records with the anxiety and just a couple of weeks from being officially menopausal. Really don’t think medication is the answer right now or that it will do me much good with the way benzos stop working and SSRIs make me want to kill myself.

Yesterday marks 3 weeks without anxiety on the lower dose but the real test won’t begin until and if I can surpass 8 weeks. If I can stay calm that long, that will be a bit encouraging but I really have to get past 4 months in order to really start seeing a serious ray of hope. I can definitely say that my overall mood has improved tremendously.

The rats and pigs were out for a little over a half-hour. Blitz seems less bothered by the rats than Rockefeller. The pigs are spit bath whores and want to clean everyone and anything they can. But apparently, Rockefeller doesn’t appreciate being given a bath so he sometimes bonks them with his nose or kicks at them which in turn starts the rats’ sideling show. LOL, yeah, the pigs are kickboxers and the rats are sidelingers. So after a few bonks, kicks and then finally the teeth chattering, I pulled Rockefeller out and left just Blitz to hang with Fuzzy and Woody. I can tell the rats aren’t afraid of the pigs or else they would avoid them. But Rockefeller can definitely do without them.

Didn’t hear the loud car while I was up but as I was going to bed and turned on the sound machine I did hear some loud things going by but I can’t say for sure what they were. I may never live anyplace too peaceful but OMG, get me off of this busy street and just let me be able to sleep without earbuds hissing white noise at me. Well, I think this one is brown noise but still…

I’m pleased to hear that they’re hoping to eliminate the bail system here in California. As he and I both agree, this shouldn’t be allowed because this only gives rich people a chance to get a break that others can’t and that’s definitely not fair. There’s already enough unfairness in the legal system as it is.

What I also think they should start doing is paying back those found innocent who have done time. After I was vindicated, I received zero compensation. How fucking fair is that?

Loud car just came roaring in at 6:30 AM. Okay, I’m calling the office when they open. I’ve had enough!

Wished Christiane a happy birthday yesterday and she thanked me. How much you want to bet she won’t remember my birthday?

Being on opposite schedules, I haven’t heard much from Aly. I’m hoping she’s been feeling okay and that everything’s been better on the home front. So many blacks are such thugs that they really ruin it for the few good ones who are hard-working and law-abiding.

MONDAY, APRIL 29, 2019 Oh, what interesting messages came in while I slept.

First, Tammy called wanting to work things out and saying she loves and misses me and has good news. Honestly, I’m not surprised. Our relationship as sisters has always been important to her and I do miss her too. It’s her narcissistic, selfish and often dramatic brats I wish she didn’t have around to complicate things. I love my nieces but I don’t like them. I’ll call her after she sees my FB message. Knew she wasn’t dying, though.

Next up was a call from Mercy (on a Sunday?) asking if I’d like an earlier appointment with the new shrink. It’s a he but I wasn’t impressed with the she doc, so not sure it matters so long as I can understand whatever foreign accent they’re likely to have. I don’t mind seeing him. I’m just not sure anyone can help. It’s also way too soon to know if it’s a dose issue, menopause, etc.

Lastly, I asked the Twenties if they knew anything about the punk with the loud car who’s back to living here but not sleeping here and that’s been coming and going twice a day. Carolyn said they have no clue, they’re just as frustrated, and I can fill out a complaint form at the office.

Yeah, I could, but we all know the office isn’t going to do shit. They just don’t do much to enforce rules here and I think these assholes see that, know they’re not going to get kicked out, and so he’s slowly moving his lazy ass back in. Might as well. Coming and going twice a day is enough like him living here, anyway.

After sending Tammy a message I listened/read her VM again and realized she said she had “big” news, not “good” news. If it’s not health-related, could one of the girls be expecting? Getting married? Both? Still think Becky’s gay and would be a bit surprised since they’ve always seemed very “modern.” Work comes first and foremost. But that could very well count as big news. My first guess would be Lisa since she’s 36 now and has been in long-term relationships before. Second would be Sarah, but overly tall, wide, aggressive women don’t win too many hearts over so easily. Living with your sister till you’re pushing 30 kind of tells me something right there, though these days it’s very common to marry later in life if you ever do at all. In 20 years from now, a 53-year-old who’s been married for nearly 25 years won’t be very common.

IDK, maybe they obtained a bunch of money somehow or are going to move to another country. I think it’s connected to her health or the girls, though. Should find out soon enough!

Now I just gotta hope Etta never tells them I contacted her. Eh, I’m not too worried about it.

She gets up early so she could be picking my message up anytime now since it’s almost 6am in Florida.

Later…

I’m getting a little tired because it’s been a long and busy day but I thought I would get some updating done now. If I have to finish this entry tomorrow, I will.

Tammy’s big news was definitely not at all what I expected. It was health-related but it’s what she’s going to do on account of it that surprises me.

She started off by telling me she’s been through hell with her sarcoidosis and fibromyalgia and how the constant heat and humidity there have been making things worse. Plus, she’s got allergies that don’t respond to nasal spray or anything. Mark had also become very depressed and she feels bad because moving to Florida was her dream. He went from making $27 an hour to $12 an hour and they’ve both suffered so much ever since they moved there nearly half a decade ago. Well, they’ve had enough and they’re going to move.

When I asked where they were going to move to she shocked the shit out of me and said Ohio. The Columbus area where my cyber friend Christine lives.

Not only does Mark’s brother Paul live there but at the men’s retreat he sometimes goes to, he became close friends with a guy named Dave. Dave lives in Ohio as well and told him all about these wonderful places there and a lot about the area. He’s offered Mark a job doing home construction and remodeling like he used to do in Connecticut. Mark just isn’t the type to sit at home all day despite being 68.

So Mark is there right now and is really impressed with what he’s seeing and learning about the place. It’s even cheaper than Florida there.

“But do you really want to go back to cold and snow?” I ask Tammy, knowing how much she always hated that.

She says that the area they’re thinking of getting one or two acres of land on is in a valley. Therefore, while they do get cold and they do get snow, they get a lot more rain than snow. She said they only really get a few inches of snow a year there.

She is also getting a taste of what I’m getting here. They’ve gone through 4 managers in her park and things have really gone downhill in a lot of ways. It’s become noisier to the point where she can now understand what I’m going through with people sitting there revving motorcycles and shit like that.

She was telling the manager about her plans to put signs up to sell her house which they want to do themselves rather than go through Zillow or anything like that, and the manager said something about her not being able to put signposts on her grass, even though she intends to put them in the lanai window. Then Tammy said, “What grass? You mean the grass that we pay for every month?”

She’s also had problems with some of the people there. She didn’t get into every single thing but Connie, a deaf 85-year-old, suffers from serious dementia. The woman has come over in her nightgown screaming at her at 1:30 in the morning and even her son who was living with her got so fed up that he left. She said the woman refuses to take medication or let anyone help her and there was some concern about her starting a fire using her oven and stuff like that.

Left with no choice, she called the cops on her during one of her screaming fits, and the cop was telling her son, “Hey, you can’t leave her alone in this condition.”

Tammy hated to do it, she said, but she got a two-year order of trespassing against the woman and was told to take her picture and call the police if she comes over screaming at her again.

Then she was at the pool one day and could clearly hear other neighbors talking about her and saying how she was yelling at this poor old lady. Tammy was upset and told them, “She’s deaf! I had to yell because it was the only way she could hear me.”

I told her that I do miss rural living as well but that we’re getting too old for that, especially with no family around.

“You have family,” she told me. Yeah, but not in the same town.

I totally believe that where there are people, there’s noise. Rural living may not be perfect but I do miss many aspects of it. Where she’s going to be isn’t so far away from civilization. From the way she made it sound, they can still get high-speed internet and they don’t have to rely on a well either.

Makes me wish even more that I was oblivious to cold climates if it’s even cheaper than Florida and you can get an acre or two with a house that’s fairly new for the 130K she says you can.

It’s tough cuz everything seems to have its pros and cons. I don’t mind rain but I don’t like cold/snow. I do worry about how the Florida humidity may affect me, though, plus there are bugs, gators and hurricanes to worry about. We’re still a long way from deciding anything, though.

Can’t wait to see how things go for her after she’s been there a while. She says the hardest thing will be leaving the girls who are going to remain in Florida for now but says it will be cheap enough to fly them to visit.

Tammy rambled on and on mostly about herself, as usual, but that’s just Tammy, LOL. Definitely missed our chats even though I prefer to keep in touch more on Facebook as I’m a very digital person compared to her. Missed sharing things with her, though. So it’s nice to be back in touch again.

She also had to get rid of Hunter because he was attacking people. He was part Chihuahua and part rat terrier. There was no change in him even after 8 weeks of training so he had to be returned. She now has a dog named Bella. She’s a Chihuahua and very loving and quiet. I didn’t hear a thing when we were talking. The other dog used to bark non-stop and it was very annoying.

I updated her on things like the Liothyronine experiment, our new pets, new car, etc.

I scrolled through her wall and she posted an article on Lady Gaga announcing that she too, has fibromyalgia, and we were both pretty disgusted by some of the ignorant comments she got. You can’t just “not let it get to you” or “move on” or “take Ibuprofen.” I have been met with the same ignorance regarding my circadian rhythm disorder. “Just set your alarm and get up at the same time every day.” Like, gee, I couldn’t have thought of that one on my own if that was possible? But yeah, I’m lazy and making excuses, according to some people. Amazing how many people think they have this power over you they don’t have. Like I would have to be afraid they would spank me or something if the truth really was that I was lazy and dared to say so? rolls eyes

Not only is Tammy the same chatty person who’s hard to get a word in edgewise, but she’s also still emotional, LOL. She was telling me that they threw Mark a farewell party at the nursing home he was working at and got all emotional because it was really nice. They were both emotional and very touched by the generous gesture. It sounds like it was wonderful from what she told me.

We ended up talking for 1 hour and 11 minutes and she didn’t say anything about Lisa other than that she’s spotted a gator during one of her visits and ran from the pool freaking out. Becky is working at Publix now and Sarah left Sears and is now with Ross.

I sent Becky and Sarah a message and while it appears that Becky saw it, she hasn’t replied. Don’t know if she’s just busy or if she’s gone Lisa on me but if she has, that would certainly make things easier. It’s other people that complicate things. I think I could get along with Tammy alone just fine. It’s others that sometimes get in the way and come between us.

She claimed to have no memory of the girls calling me out on some of my posts and I totally believe her because I know that she has way worse memory issues than I do. Her condition is worse than mine, it affects the memory worse than mine can, and she’s older.

But yeah, I almost wish none of the girls would want anything to do with me. It would just be so much easier that way.

SUNDAY, APRIL 28, 2019 My keyboard is dead and Aly is back to creating new accounts in which to spy on me. I just don’t understand what the hell she’s doing this for. Just what is it she’s hoping to see?

I blocked her, and if I’m right about that being her, I wonder if that was a mistake because sooner or later she’s going to catch on that I know she’s watching me and then blocking her and this may make her more suspicious. It isn’t that I want to hide anything from her. I don’t know what it is. I just know I don’t want her looking in on me or else I wouldn’t bother sharing via email. I guess that’s it, anyway. Her determination is annoying and making me a bit uncomfortable. I suppose I should be flattered but I don’t know that she’s so determined to check me out simply because she likes my writing or anything like that. I think she’s paranoid or suspicious for some reason and is seeing if she can catch me saying something I shouldn’t say. Oh, I’ve said plenty of things I shouldn’t say but I keep that private. She can read the whole story when I’m dead. She won’t like it, but she can read it.

In regards to that 10-year-old kid Linzee that was expelled, Aly insists she was being put down by teachers and students alike and that’s why she was lashing out and her parents aren’t fighting the expulsion.

Here’s another thing she won’t find me saying in public and that’s that apparently Nebraska is the only state left that has a problem with blacks because she and Cam are being harassed by neighbors who have supposedly done the same thing to some Asians that were living in the area. They egged Cam’s BMW, trampled some tulips that were planted by the previous owner, and gave her hell about leaving the dog out to bark.

They got cameras so hopefully they’ll catch the culprits since it’s unlikely they’re going to simply give up and decide to leave them alone.

Cam’s brother says it’s looking like the mice problem has been solved so hopefully they can return home. For now, she says they’re not running and will be there until October.

Mary F, who I believe is Nissan’s sister based on her bio and appearance, sent a message yesterday asking if she knew me since I’m showing up on her Messenger. I explained to her that once contact is established, you’re automatically connected on Messenger. I don’t know why that is but as I told her, she could just go ahead and block me if she wanted to.

Then I couldn’t resist fucking with her by saying she was on my friend list all of a sudden and so was Nissan. I knew she would run and tell Nissan who would automatically freak out. I blocked Mary after she blocked me and then I blocked all three of Nissan’s accounts. LOL

Tom fixed my favorite windchime and successfully blocked the rats from getting behind the dishwasher and fridge with blocks of foam. Well, more like styrofoam. They were out for a while and then Woody surprised me by going home on his own. They spend most of the time out piggy peeping, haha.

SATURDAY, APRIL 27, 2019 I was watching a documentary on the Pam Smart case. I’m familiar with the case but I watch a lot of true crime stuff anyway. Funny how the condo she had her husband killed in was 4E. I’ve always found the number 4 to be very unlucky, as is a popular belief amongst Asians.

I was thinking about the medication/anxiety experiment I’m doing and while it’s still way too soon to know if this is going to tell me anything new, I can’t help but wonder about some things. If there really is anything up there that plans what happens to us, it’s almost like something wants me to be hypo. If that’s the case, why? What benefit do I get by remaining hypo? Or better yet, what punishment is there in it? To keep me fat? Only problem is that while I would be healthier if I was thinner, I don’t see being fat as a “punishment” because I’m not as self-conscious as a lot of people. I accept myself as I am��a typical older, warm-blooded creature. Besides, suddenly having normal thyroid numbers doesn’t mean I would drop weight. Look at how many older people are fat. They don’t all have bum thyroids.

I should be out in this beautiful weather walking right now but I’m being lazy tonight. I’ll be doing my walking through stores in the morning if that counts. At least it’s by choice and I’m not forced to lay low because I’m tired.

The planes were quiet yesterday morning and I haven’t heard much tonight, so yeah, I like them in the south flow they say they’re in 70% of the year.

Whatever was keeping the punk with the loud car away for those weeks is done and over with and they’re back to their daily visits. They seem to be coming in twice a day and basically living here without sleeping here. I still get the impression they can’t hold a job and are mooching off their enabling parents. Punk hadn’t even been gone 12 hours before I heard it come roaring in this morning as I was reading myself to sleep.

FRIDAY, APRIL 26, 2019 Along with a vision that Trump will NOT be reelected (yay), this is the first time I actually got a reply in regards to my airplane complaint. They said: We have been in North Flow for the past several days. Your location receives more frequent overflight by aircraft departing from SMF when we are in North Flow.

I looked at the flight maps and I can see where they would go over Citrus Heights when in a northerly flow. When they’re in a southerly flow that makes the nighttime bad yet it appears they don’t go over Citrus Heights at all when they’re in a southerly flow, at least according to their map. I can see where Natomas would get slammed no matter what. So glad we didn’t end up there!

What the hell was that metallic rattle I just heard? In the heater? The vents? Whatever that was that made the sound was likely bigger than a mouse.

Anyway, all I know is that before last September the planes weren’t a problem. Why can’t they go back to flying wherever the hell it was they were flying then? They only gave me their flight map. They’re not saying they’re actually going to do anything about it so their maps really don’t matter. They need to stop flying over my fucking head!

And we need to be careful when choosing the next place to live. Can’t do anything about most noise problems like loud traffic but we can get further away from the airport. I compared our old house in Phoenix to Sky Harbor Airport and then our house here to this airport and we’re not nearly as far from it as I thought we were. Sky Harbor was 66 miles from our Phoenix house. Sac International is just 15 miles away from this house.

I still love entertaining the fantasy of growing an arm long enough to reach up and swat them out of the sky, as well as wishing the guy with the voices in his head would be told to use them for target practice.

Although briefly, the water was off yesterday evening. Tom got a text saying they were going to turn the water off at 11 yesterday afternoon but I don’t think they ever turned the water off because the water didn’t spit air at me when I got up and used the toilet and sink.

The pigs were so funny. I couldn’t hear the timer go off which I set in the kitchen after taking my meds and going into the bedroom because I had the fan on. But the pigs sure heard it and let me know, LOL.

I was definitely no neglectful rodent mom today. :) I pulled the pigs’ liner out and replaced it with regular bedding and I also relined the top level of the rats’ cage. While this was taking place they were all playing together in the pen. So cute! A lot of work but cute. Gotta wash their accessories as well. Most of those I usually just run through the dishwasher after I rinse them in the sink.

At 7:30 I heard the loud car come in. By 10:30 I realized I never heard it leave so I went to see if it was still here. I was just contemplating telling the punk to get a muffler when he jumped in and took off.

As I was coming back around the circle, I could see that Bob and Virginia’s place was dark and I knew they were asleep.

A few minutes later, the paramedics came and I thought uh-oh! Especially since their place was now lit up. So I went over there and peered through the storm door and saw Virginia sitting in her chair. I wondered why the paramedics weren’t tending to her and for a minute I thought maybe something was wrong with Bob and they were in the bedroom.

Then she spotted me, waved me in, and gave me a hug. The paramedics were here for Ralph, the guy at the “stroke house.” Didn’t know his name before now. I guess he called them and Virginia didn’t like being woken up. She said that his two kids need to take better care of him or something to that effect because they were sound asleep, and well, Bob was over there while we talked.

I didn’t stay long because it was late but I did ask if they pulled her off her thyroid meds and she said no. She has lost a lot of weight but not so much in the stomach. She looks incredibly old but who wouldn’t in their mid-80s?

She asked how I was doing and I told her I was better and that I cut off about 16 inches of hair. She said. “I know,” after telling me the same thing she tells me every time I see her… She asked Bob where Jodi was. LOL

Their place is absolutely gorgeous, immaculate, and sparsely decorated. I could dust the whole house in five minutes.

Oh, the paramedics just took him away. Hate seeing fire/ambulance trucks. They don’t exactly bring back fun memories…heart booming…running down the hall…trying to steady my fingers to dial 911…get the door open, gotta get the door open…what’s your space number?…I don’t know…what color are you?…white…don’t eat or drink anything until help arrives…

Shudders

THURSDAY, APRIL 25, 2019 I’ve now been anxiety-free for 2 weeks and 2 days. If I make it to May 6th, that’s entering the “critical” zone where the real testing begins. If I can beat May 20th, that’s really, really good. August will be the first real ray of hope albeit a faint one. That will double if I make it to September. October and we’re going out celebrating! It would be a double victory with menopause and breaking records with the anxiety.

And then I remind myself how this sounds way too good to be true. :( If there’s anything that doesn’t make sense about it being the dose it’s those months I had little to no anxiety. The brand could very well still be an issue, though. If it does turn out that it’s not the dose, then my chances went up that it is hormonal changes. But then so does the possibility of it being a permanent disorder I got hit with. Only time will tell! Wish I could snap my fingers and have it be October but I don’t want to skip summer either.

My heart’s been elevated a bit more and I don’t know if that’s because I’m low on thyroid or what.

It’s a good thing I took care of the fish by replacing his water completely, changing his filter, and scrubbing algae off the filter and heater, before I went on the quick bike ride I went on because it seemed to take a lot of energy out of me. Went down to the lake and back and then around the circle. I went so fast it’s hard to believe I wasn’t close to 25-30 MPH. Fortunately, there was no traffic. I just wish people wouldn’t park so damn close to the speed bumps.

Didn’t hear that loud car yesterday but I heard it come in for a few minutes after I got up and then I heard it leave.

It’s been very warm. Close to the 90s but it’s supposed to drop into the low 70s soon.

The planes have been quieter these last couple of nights. Heard one when I was returning from my bike ride but yesterday morning sucked. So much for hoping that since I couldn’t hear the freeway I wouldn’t hear them. Makes sense, though, since the planes are overhead. The freeway’s not.

I’m not going to put up with this shit for another half a decade. There’s got to be someone who will listen to me and as one complainant said, there’s got to be a better way. Yeah, like flying wherever they were flying before last September. This is just ridiculous. One article talked about 20 jets flying over between 5:45 to 7:30 and that sounds about right. That’s when they’re at their worst as well as late at night, although you do hear them in the daytime as well. Just not as much because sound travels better late at night and early in the morning.

There’s got to be someone willing to do something about it. But so far all I do is get ignored. I’ve filled out complaint forms, complained on Twitter, been given the runaround when I called the damn airport…yet no one responds in any way shape or form.

It really sucks when you’re this far inland because they can’t take off over the ocean like they usually do unless weather conditions forbid them to. But where were they going before last September?

All these people seem to care about is themselves. It’s like they’re going to do whatever they’re going to do and to hell with everyone else and those it may affect. They’ve obviously agreed to ignore anyone who complains since I’ve gone through 3 different channels trying to get help or at least some info just to be blown off. Still, there’s got to be something that can be done.

Last night I went out walking when it was around 71°. Was out there for a half-hour until shortly before 11. Skunks really like to hang out in back of the house across from the Twenties. I saw one sitting on the retaining wall.

The smell of jasmine is more present in the air. It’s gorgeous.

Had a dream I got a dentist closer to home. So close I walked there and waited in a fairly spacious waiting room. When I was called in, a young woman with long straight light brown hair was looking up something on the computer. It had to do with info I sent them before my first appointment. She asked me how I managed to organize it so well. I said something about building my own template.

Then I was sitting in the exam chair when I turned to look at a couple of women in the doorway questioning whether or not I needed x-rays. Then, as if I suddenly remembered I said, “Oh, yes. I did have x-rays recently because I remember Holly telling me they looked good.”

For the second time in less than a week, they fucking turned the water off, although briefly.

Remembered, found and blocked a PB account of Aly’s from 2013 when she didn’t exactly have the kindest of things to say about me, but also admitted she was a liar who needed changing. This was when I caught her lying about being friends with Molly. She was right in saying that while she shouldn’t have lied, it was her right to choose who she was friends with. In my mind, I was only warning her for her own good, but mistake to be friends with her or not, it was always her mistake to make.

But was I really as focused on being as negative as she said I was? Yeah, I guess I could be at times, but as Andy would probably say, I was only looking out for her. Or at least I thought I was.

Don’t remember emailing to ask if she’d dumped me if I wouldn’t hear from her for a week, but maybe I did…and didn’t realize this was offensive to her either, but as I’ve long since learned, Aly’s pretty sensitive. You just never can know what might offend her. Who’d have thought such an innocent word as “busy” could trigger her? But it does. So I try to aim to please while still being myself as well.

I’ve also long since learned that anyone can dump us at any time for any reason. I don’t know if she’ll dump me or if I’ll dump her or we’ll be friends forever. I know never to count on or assume anything either way and to just enjoy what time I have with those in my life. But if she or anyone else ever does exit my life again - that’s it. I will not question their decision nor will I try to get them back.

One of Aly’s nanny kids is an adopted Chinese girl named Linzee. Her parents are lesbians. She’s been kicked out of school for foul language but what do the parents do? They don’t fight it. Instead, they send her to another school.

And expect her not to repeat her behavior?

As I told Aly, kids are terrible these days and most of that is the parents’ fault since they don’t discipline them. Most of what these little shits do today was totally unheard of when I was a kid.

I Google myself every now and then just to see what comes up. I see one of the libelous articles I was mentioned in has been deleted. I’d like to think it was because it was false and misleading with its How Many More People Have to Die? title when no one in my case was killed, number one. And number two, I was never charged with a hate crime, which was what the article was about. I’m kind of surprised the courts didn’t call it that since nothing else they called it was correct. I never stalked anyone and it was never about hating them because of their color.

Anyway, I’d like to think that’s why it was removed but more than likely it was simply moved to another location. That’s okay. They can keep their bullshit online because mine is going to be out there right along with theirs someday. :)

TUESDAY, APRIL 23, 2019 Slept great (with earbuds) and continue to be in good spirits and feel well in general. Just a touch lightheaded today.

I usually gather the pigs’ liner by the corners, take it outside, dump shit and hay from it into the pail, then shake it by the cypresses to get out smaller bits of hay and fur. So after dropping shit all over the fucking place and having to sweep it up, the 4 of them played in the pen. So cute! Made a quick vid of it.

Fuzzy was so adorable, as usual, and wanted to play with me as well as run around, unlike his antisocial bro. He can still fit through the bars of the pen but Woody’s so big now he can barely squeeze through.

Wow, my sweet potato smoothie came out AWESOME! All healthy ingredients: Sweet potato (gotta zap it for 5 mins first), milk, banana, vanilla extract, maple syrup, and a pinch of cinnamon. ;)

I’ve switched the smart plug in the bedroom by the bathroom to operate the fan rather than the air cleaner since we should now be entering summer. Shouldn’t need the heat anymore this year. I hope not, anyway! It was nearly 90° today. Love it! Should warm the pool up soon. Looking forward to the dryness too, since it shouldn’t rain other than maybe a sprinkle or two for the next 5-6 months.

Tom pumped my bike tires up before he went to bed. They’re supposed to have 40 lbs of pressure but the front one was down to 24 and the back to 26. Made sure my lights and everything were working as biking can be more dangerous than driving in some ways. I know some of my readers have never gone bike riding or had any interest but I totally recommend trying it at least once! It’s something you’ll either fall in love with right away or you’ll find it terrifying and never want to do it again, LOL. Me, I love the speed. I’d never get on a motorcycle but I love coasting down these hills. I only hate it when I have to come back up them.

But yeah, you gotta be careful. You can’t always stop in a split second if need be, and if you hit something at just 10 MPH or even less, you could be seriously hurt. Hell, even just starting off when you’re this short can be tricky so I like to start downhill since I gotta step down on the pedal and jump up onto the seat at the same time. I can’t place both feet flat on the ground while sitting on the seat. Only my toes touch the ground when I’m seated.

Anyway, because I was alone and it was dark, I stuck to the circle and made a few rounds as I get more into riding shape. Around midnight I may go out on foot. Definitely going to work my arms and core inside tonight. When I was out there it was such a beautiful night. The temperature was perfect and there was no traffic or anything. Just some bugs and webs I rode into.

The last hour or two before I get ready to read myself to sleep I sometimes get bored because I no longer have the energy to do anything all that constructive but I’m not ready to get into bed. So I sometimes wander through YouTube vids. I was browsing some language vids and came across this woman giving Norwegian lessons. It’s not as ugly or as difficult as German from what I can tell but the letter ø sure sounds goofy as hell, LOL. But I enrolled myself in Duolingo’s Norwegian course and maybe I’ll dabble in it periodically. I’m not going to take the language as seriously as I took Spanish, Italian, German and ASL, though. It’ll be sort of like my Dutch, Esperanto, and Portuguese; a reader language if I study enough of it.

My story is now over 13K words even though I already hit my word count goal.

Carolyn shared a photo of the lake on Facebook and in one of her comments, she was telling someone that one of the best things they ever did was move here almost three years ago. So they do like it here and they don’t plan to move?

MONDAY, APRIL 22, 2019 Even though I slept better last night I’m tired today. Gave Fuzzy a little attention in the morning yesterday but wish I could give him more. As much as I love these animals, I still sometimes regret getting them only because I don’t have the energy to give them as much attention as I’d like. But at least I gave him and the pigs some, and hopefully tonight I will be able to muster up a little more energy so we can run around together. At least I’m able to give them the most important things and that’s food, water, and a decent place to live.

According to Twitter, I’m far from the only one who’s getting fed up with all these fucking planes. The people in Natomas have it worse because they’re closer to the airport. But we’re not and that’s why I still don’t understand why they’ve been flying over us so much. I guess someone in Sacramento is also unhappy because they hearted a tweet I left for somebody else.

The thing is that they obviously don’t give a shit. Never once have I gotten a reply apologizing for the annoyances, saying they’re working on changing things, or anything. Instead, I have been completely ignored which shows how little Sac International cares about the people their racket affects. There’s got to be somewhere else they can go where they’re less bothersome because they were wherever that was before September, after all.

I wish I could rid myself of some things that bother me which I know are totally pointless like who sees my blog. First of all, I’m not doing anything wrong. Second of all, there is nothing on me anywhere that anyone could use against me. I’m not a convicted murderer. I’m not a registered sex offender. I’m not looking to impress anyone. I’m not looking for a job. I’m absolutely positively boringly ordinary other than having a rare birth defect and a rare sleep disorder, but even that can’t be used against me in any way that could directly affect or harm me. So what’s my problem then?

The most “offensive” thing I could ever say in my blog is that I absolutely do not support Muslims in other countries. But it’s not like anyone can come and shoot me for it or arrest me or anything like that so I don’t know why it’s so hard to bring myself to go public and enjoy the fun that goes with that. I used to love being surprised by all kinds of people and comments, both positive and negative. But if anyone in Arizona is watching me, just the thought of them reading that I just brushed my teeth makes me feel horribly exposed and paranoid. Am I just being silly? Or do I have every reason to feel that way? One of the people involved in legally screwing me was a pig so I would think that even if I was 100% private, they could still find out what was going on with me if they really wanted to. They could hack me without my knowledge. If you know how to hack or if you could find out how to as easily as I think the bastard could, then you’re going to pretty much learn everything there is to know about me even if, once again, there really isn’t anything that top-secret or exciting to learn unless the day of my last orgasm counts.

One thing I’m definitely through with when it comes to blogs and stories, private or not, is worrying about people’s fragile little eggshell feelings. I’m tired of looking up names and words to make sure they’re not offensive. While there’s no need to deliberately offend anyone, I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings. I’m just not. So since I’m not the Feelings Police, I would rather just write what I want and allow people the freedom of not reading it if they can’t handle it for some reason. Besides, just because a certain word or name may be okay now doesn’t mean it won’t be deemed offensive later on. Yeah, that’s another thing that drives me crazy is racism being seen in every fucking thing these days. Something’s okay for 5 minutes and then it’s not. Then you’ve got things that have existed for centuries and suddenly they’re a no-no. Really feel like some people are determined to tear down our history and I wonder when we’re going to stop jumping to every beck and call and stop allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of. People do whatever they know they can get away with. As long as people know they can walk on others to get ahead in life or just because they can, they will. So if some people aren’t going to stop whining and complaining about every little thing, perhaps we need to put our foot down at some point soon? Hell, even Steve would be downright ashamed by how so many of his people are carrying on!

I’ll never understand why we live in such a word-sensitive world. If you’re a child who’s young and impressionable, sure. I can see that. But adults should be smart enough to know that words aren’t bullets, knives, swords or torches. I read shit I don’t like all the time and what do I do? I move on. Period. And when I tuned into Beyonce’s Homecoming documentary just to find it’s mostly a black pride/power rant as talented as she otherwise is, I moved on from there as well. Yes, the double standards do still annoy me but I don’t see equality ever becoming a reality. I’m not “proud” of my color because I did nothing to achieve it, but I guess that’s a good thing since, unlike Beyonce, that would be horribly racist of me, right? Is that fair? Absolutely not. But I try not to let it get to me too much since I don’t see change on the horizon anytime soon.

I was doing my own whining the other day to Tom when I bitched about blacks never being happy and all that with the statues we gotta tear down after hundreds of years, and as usual, he seemed bothered that I was bothered, saying that these things don’t affect us directly.

No, but blacks have affected us as we saw in Arizona. Now, I may not be nearly as compassionate, bothered, empathetic, emotional, kind - whatever - as most people are, but what they did to me really changed my outlook on them as a whole. So when I hear them making selfish and or hateful demands and complaints, yes, I do wanna slap them.

I shouldn’t bother him with what bothers me as much because it truly does seem to trigger him a bit. Maybe he doesn’t realize or means to but he does seem to, if not literally defend, play down or excuse some people/things.

Being on 50s may make me tired but at least it’s looking like I won’t have to worry about my weight going up. Despite the drop in cals, it’s not going down either, as I knew it wouldn’t. I would still have to starve myself to lose so I’m glad I’m not as appearance-obsessed as I was at 16.

I’ve been lazing off on my story so I need to get back on with it tonight. It was 87° today so I’m waiting for it to cool down before I go out walking. Then I’ll head out on foot since my bike tires need to be pumped up. Chains and lights need checking, too. The last thing I need is faulty brakes going downhill at 20 MPH and having a skunk or possum dart out in front of me.

Made a chocolate-banana-peanut butter smoothie last night as well as a chickpea and greens smoothie. Today it’s strawberry banana with coconut milk.

LOL, I’m being paged for my waitressing services. Time to go serve up that romaine. :)

Had to look up “vanilla relationship” as my much younger bestie is obviously smarter than me (she used the term). I guess those who have a typical sex life have vanilla relationships. So if you’re into BDSM or you have a cumless hubby, you’re not exactly vanilla. What are you then?

Fuck! The loud car just left. Good thing I slept with the buds cuz they’re probably back to their morning and afternoon visits. It sucks cuz it shows that once again they’ve probably lost or quit their job and have too much time on their hands yet plenty of it to mooch off of mommy & daddy.

Was going to post the above at 7:30, but goofed off on WhatsApp with Aly, then went out for my walk.

Thought the clubhouse closed at 6, but at 8:30, I saw people playing cards at card tables.

Definitely wanna stick to adult communities. No, they’re not peaceful but not only do I wish to escape the almighty freeloading off-brand but the screaming kids I heard, along with their yapping mutt, and this totally obnoxious cricket machine as well. The frog machine I heard further up the road was okay but the way too fast screeching of crickets was annoying as were the planes.

Not only will I never return to the race card games and put myself at risk of becoming a second-time reverse discrimination victim, but I also won’t take back the brats and mutts either. Loud music, blowers, mowers, trimmers, saws, power tools, hammers, motorcycles, loud cars/trucks, projects, roadwork and planes are enough.

SUNDAY, APRIL 21, 2019 Fucking traffic woke me up a few hours after crashing. It’s partly my fault, though, since I didn’t insert my earbud when I crashed.

While I slept, Tom worked in the storeroom and on different things outside. He said a highway patrol car came and went around the circle as if looking for someone. Guess someone got stopped on the freeway and then bailed or something.

Was gonna hang out in the living room tonight but nah. I’m too tired to entertain the rats and I really don’t want to listen to bass booming down the freeway as is more common on warmer nights.

I have my “happy” light on in the bedroom but no energy to work out. I think I’m gonna call it a lazy night since I’m tired due to the sleep disturbance. Took me an hour to fall back asleep. It was probably that loud car that I heard leave (at least I hope it was leaving) just before 8pm. Really hope the bastard doesn’t return to regular visits.

The Twenties returned from wherever they just went for the last week or so and had lots of company but they were quiet. Wouldn’t even know they were there had I not seen them.

So as I said, not doing much tonight. But hey, I deserve a night/day off every now and then, right? This is why I try to work out every day that I can; cuz I know I’m going to have tired days. Really hope I catch up on sleep, though, as I don’t want to take too many nights/days off. Plus, I want energy to clean a bit and play with the furballs.

So glad we’re at this time of year so I can look forward to the next half a year or so of outdoor exercise. Should be done with the rain for about 6 months, too. I think I’ll mostly bike by day and walk by night for variety. I can go out in higher temps on the bike than I can on foot. Some nighttime rides would be nice too, cuz while I can’t see as well, at least there are fewer people in the way at night.

As I was lying by the fan cooling off from yesterday’s power walk, I was thinking about how I was going to take the bedroom curtains with us when we move, but I don’t think I will. We don’t know what windows we’ll have and by then a change will be due anyway. The magenta curtains contrast nicely with the mint green walls but since we won’t be painting the next place and there’s no reason this quilt can’t last for many years to come, I was thinking I’d get curtains that go more with it better than these do. So lavender or medium purple. LOL, yeah, I’m always looking ahead.

I’ll still go with blackout curtains, but instead of shades, I want those wooden shutters. Not wooden blinds like what I hope to get for other windows, but shutters that join in the center when closed. Those should keep it dark for sleeping but make it easier to open and let daytime light in when I want it.

Okaaaay…we may not be able to regulate the world’s insanely loud car stereos so easily, as Tom was explaining since amplifiers are everywhere and all that, but the park can and should ban them right along with the motorcycles. One just went by the bedrooms, bass pounding, and headed down to the other side of the circle. No excuse for that here. This is an adult community. Not the ghettos.

Going through the headlines…bananas may become extinct? I hope not! I have them nearly every day. They’re a great source of energy (usually), potassium and more.

Got the usual people causing the usual trouble. Whiny blacks determined to destroy our history and tear things down that have existed without issue for years. How much longer are we going to give in to their every beck and call and allow ourselves to be taken advantage of?

Also in the news, Muslims being Muslims, this time blowing up churches in Sri Lanka.

SATURDAY, APRIL 20, 2019 “I never wanted that mansion on the hill. I never needed that Cadillac Seville…” sings Marie Osmond in one of her songs.

Well, I’ll take the mansion on a hill, but the Cadillac Seville is now gone. It was taken before I got up. Tom said the guy just drove it onto the ramp, took a couple of minutes to strap it down, and that was it. He thinks it’ll probably be auctioned off to a junkyard for $150 or so. Luxury cars just don’t have the value they used to. That’s how we could get away with driving one for half a decade, older and used or not.

Tom really likes how Candy is so much lighter since gas car engines weigh a lot and make it like you’re carrying a few people around with you at all times.

I think it’s neat how it can sense if someone’s sitting in the passenger seat. If it can’t, it won’t deploy the airbag on that side in the event of an accident, but I’m guessing all cars have this feature now.

Anyway, thank you, Caddy, for freeing up some carport space and for 5 years of fine service till your “bladder” went to hell and your transmission got a little funky. You took hubs to and from work for years and me to a million appointments. Mostly due to that fucking anxiety that I may or may not have found the off switch for.

Still don’t want cutting my meds to be the solution but I also want a solution. Any solution! It’s still way too soon to know if this is it, though. Yes, it makes the most sense but there are things that make me wonder. If 75s was too much for me then why didn’t I have nearly as much anxiety from late August 2017 to early January 2018? And why didn’t I have this particular feeling before December of 2016?

It may be too soon to know anything either way, but I was wrong in thinking the Amberen was the problem, then there was the liothyronine experiment that was a bust, so I guess it’s safe to assume I’m wrong about the dose being the fix and that I’ll get “stabbed” with adrenaline within a month or two. At least when I find out I’m wrong it won’t be as disappointing as finding out the Amberen didn’t have anything to do with it. I didn’t need the Amberen but I do need more of this medication.

Didn’t go out walking yesterday but went in the late afternoon today before the gnats could take over. The sun was a little blinding depending on what direction I was facing but no one stopped me along the way. I power walked for 23 minutes. The temperature was perfect too.

The planes were surprisingly and wonderfully quiet last night but they’re back to being an annoyance as I figured they would be. So I have the air cleaner drowning some of it out until after midnight. Don’t know why I can’t just get used to them once and for all. Been going on since September.

Big mistake going to KFC today for a cod basket. Oh, the food was delicious. Well, the fries weren’t as crispy as I’d like but it was good overall. But stupid because it’s so unhealthy. The fries aren’t good for my LS and after I ate everything, plus a mini cake, I was so tired. Just when I’ve been feeling so good since getting my NutriBlender, too! My mood has improved tremendously and so have my energy levels since turning much of my diet into smoothies. So, big mistake as good as it was and definitely not one I’m going to make again. KFC service is pretty hit-or-miss anyway. I’m surprised there were any workers from here since these types of places usually hire foreigners and illegals who don’t know much English.

Anyway, I later made a smoothie with a banana, blueberries, raspberries, mixed spring greens, and coconut milk and that perked me up enough to go out on my walk.

Maliheh was in my dreams last night. We were both single and I was suggesting we get married for insurance reasons much like in my book, even though we didn’t seem to have an interest in each other.

Ugh, the thought of that sends chills down my spine! I’m so sorry I ever wasted a moment talking to that heartless bitch. If I was single and she came begging to be my girlfriend, I would never consider any kind of a relationship with her whatsoever. From now on I don’t forgive or forget. You dump me (be it for a reason you share with me or by ghosting me), I will never again try to change your mind or let you change mine and it won’t matter how much history we may have either. I’d rather miss the good times than be sucked into what may very well be the same old shit all over again like with Andy. I’ll always love and miss him, but I never liked him, and with him being who is and set in his ways, I don’t see how I ever could.

FRIDAY, APRIL 19, 2019 I hope I’m not making any dieters hungry with my smoothie obsession. I’m not dieting myself but I’m doing my best to keep from gaining, something I still have control over. :)

Wednesday’s smoothie had avocado, spinach and kale. Yesterday’s had bananas with peanut butter and honey. So far I’ve enjoyed everything I’ve made. :)

He made one with milk, ice cream, semi-sweet chocolate chips, and caramel.

Later I’m going to make a Cake Batter Smoothie with yogurt and yellow cake mix.

Ordered a set of 12 colorful plastic cups in 3 different sizes and 4 colors for my smoothie craze, plus a colorful set of 5 lidded ice cube trays.

Pawandeep has lost 10 pounds since going to 75s but she’s young so this doesn’t surprise me.

Spent nearly an hour taking care of the animals. I put liners in the pigs’ cage and the rats’ upper level. Downstairs they have regular paper bedding. Pigs and Fuzz played happily in the pen while I worked.

Going to wait till it’s just about dark before I go out walking. It’ll be cooler then and then I won’t have to worry about those damn flying things that come out at twilight. I guess they’re gnats. Looking forward to hitting the 90s next week! This will help make the pool comfy. Once we stop getting below 60° at night it should be nice since the pool is solar heated.

Got over 10K words for my NaNo project and should get close to my goal tonight!

Nice to know my floral flats that aren’t very comfy won’t go to waste now that they’re on Suki.

THURSDAY, APRIL 18, 2019 OMG, would you stop spying on me, Aly?! sighs with frustration First, she’s nosing into my PB books from different accounts, then she found another account that I haven’t been using. Fortunately, there was only 1 entry but it contained things I’d rather not share with her. So I’m annoyed, a bit embarrassed and puzzled. What is she looking for???

Could be that she stumbled upon it by accident, looking for someone else or just random browsing, but I highly doubt that. Here’s an account I haven’t used in nearly a year, no one I know of has checked it out, but she does? That can’t be a coincidence.

But why is she trying to find accounts I haven’t told her about? Is she hoping to learn things about me she doesn’t already know? Is she just that curious? Or is it something else?

Even though I’m sure she’s heard all my Bubbly posts, I deleted those just in case. I just wish she’d give me some privacy! Just because something’s public doesn’t mean you should be nosing into it if you weren’t told about it or invited. It’s like reading tweets to other people. While we all do it at times and it’s hard to resist temptation, we shouldn’t be observing other people’s conversations.

Sunset is at 7:45 and that’s when I’ll go out for a walk since it’s a little warm now. I’m sure I’ll get stopped but it will be nice to get fresh air. It’s slightly warm in the sunlight so I would like to wait. I always prefer early morning, evening or late night walks anyway when it’s likely to be more peaceful. Walking by mowers, blowers, and trimmers blaring away doesn’t exactly make for a very peaceful walk.

Saturday, the Caddy will be out of the way and then I can maneuver the bike in and out easier. In the warmer temps, I need to be on the bike where it’s “windy,” given that I’m going 8-20 miles an hour. Love flying down those hills! I just hate coming back up them, LOL. Florida would definitely be easier for bike riding but then I’ll have to deal with humidity.

Thought about going back to the clubhouse when I’m up during the mornings for their aerobics class but decided against it for a few reasons. Aerobics is just okay and I’m not a big fan of it. I’m not a social butterfly. I hate doing it to the same shitty music all the time. I also prefer to go at my own pace and be able to stop if I need to pee or something, so that’s why I prefer working out solo or with Tom.

Tested out his game which he’s trying out on different devices to see how it looks and it’s looking good so far, but with limited time it will probably still be a while before it’s in the App Store. He wants to add some animations and stuff like that.

10 days of being anxiety-free have been wonderful even though I’m definitely more tired, colder and sleeping longer on the lower dose. Or maybe not. As Tom said, it’s too soon to really say. I sometimes sleep for longer than 8 hours.

Do I think this is the cure for my anxiety even though it’s still way too soon to know for sure? Well, this makes the most sense out of anything as of yet seeing that I didn’t have any problems on 50s. But it’s still hard to believe I’ll ever figure out a solution that will stop it just like that. I still worry that it will either go away on its own someday for no apparent reason or I’ll be stuck with it forever tormenting me on and off. I’d love to have suddenly stumbled upon a solution after years of suffering but I would have some real mixed emotions about it being a dosage cut as no one wants the answer to be skimping on medication their body needs otherwise. So unless there’s anything up there that actually wants me to be hypo, I don’t believe anything until and if I see it for at least half a year. If I made it to August anxiety-free, I would then see my first real glimmer of light. By September I would start getting a little giddy with excitement and by October I would be absolutely ecstatic and no doubt going ballistic with tears of joy and relief, even though it would be too bad I couldn’t get my numbers close to where they should be without suffering. But if it does turn out to be a dosage issue; just because 75s make me anxious now doesn’t mean they always will. They did stop giving me serious side effects after all when I stopped in late 2014 and then returned to it in early 2015. Maybe once I’m postmenopausal I can handle it. It’s too soon to say anything for sure.

I had suspected I went hypo somewhere around 2010, but when I think about it I wonder if it could go as far back as the early 2000s. I know some people are naturally more sensitive to temperature than others, but when I remember how I would get such cold hands and feet during the winters in Maricopa, I assumed it was because I wasn’t used to cold weather, but maybe that wasn’t it. I also remember how utterly freezing my first winter in Oregon was and that makes me wonder as well. After all, with few exceptions, I haven’t been able to lose weight since I was 36 which would go with that timeframe.

With my metabolism forced to be even slower and me not getting any younger, I’ve really got to watch the calories as hard as it is. I want to start walking 1-2 hours a day even if I break it up into chunks and keep my calories between 1200-1500.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 17, 2019 Got up at 7:30, took my meds, and lay in bed another hour. Didn’t sleep as long last night so I’m tired today. The smoothie I made gave me a boost of energy but I’m still a bit tired.

Yesterday I made a single-serve smoothie with a banana, milk and granola. Today’s double-serving smoothie consists of a banana, mangoes, kale and almond milk. Yesterday’s was delicious. Today’s is refreshing.

My goal is to eventually weed meats and prepared stuff out of my diet 6 days a week and just make that a weekend treat.

Walked down to the lake around 9:30 and gave the ducks the rest of the old bread. It was in the low 60s and I could’ve used a hat since the sun was kind of warm on my head. Also, no sleeves or more wind would’ve been nice but I wore my rat tee and there was only a 3MPH breeze. Didn’t take my music with me due to the daily landscaping noise.

Not liking that there have been more vehicles at Miss Footless’s house. Looks like they’re working on something in front. sighs Another project junkie. How much more work could her place possibly need? Definitely not sure I like living with those with money.

Gave some attention to the animals earlier. Fuzzy’s as adorable as ever while Woody is still shy and getting destructive, too. He’s been chewing the liner and pillowcase I use to line the top shelf.

TUESDAY, APRIL 16, 2019 Today was the second day in a row that I had good energy and no lightheadedness. This could either mean that the lower dose had nothing to do with the fatigue I was having or my body has adapted to the lower dose. No way to say for sure which one is the case. I’m just glad I feel better and have more energy so I can do things!

Tom and I went on a quick walk after work. When I was in the worst of the perimenopause I couldn’t stand to be in the direct sunlight even if it wasn’t that hot. Yet I walked and jogged in 60-degree weather and bright sunlight and was fine even though I wouldn’t want to do it for a long time. I have a feeling it would be harder on a higher dose. This medication definitely does seem to make you sensitive to heat the more you take it.

Today’s smoothie was made with one banana, half a cup of milk, and a quarter cup of granola. It was yummy!

Been thinking about how so much of life usually isn’t what we plan it to be, after discussing this with Aly. There are a few things I planned, wanted, hoped and tried for that I ended up being glad I never achieved. Back when I was really into singing, had I made it big I would have loved the fortune but hated the fame. Had I had a child as I considered for a while, I would have hated the chaos and lack of freedom. I’m also glad I didn’t get my so-called dream woman because she was always just that…a dream. No one can replace or compare to Tom, anyway.

But there are still some things I wish I could do that I know I never will. I miss so much of the old me. I don’t miss the naive, immature, emotional side of me, but I miss a lot of my old physical aspects. I want to wake up with perfect vision and stay that way. I want a normal metabolism so the choice of whether or not to keep the extra weight or lose it could at least be up to me. I miss my old libido. I miss not having to dye my hair. I miss my old skin. Hell, I even miss my old bladder and dread the day it starts leaking!

I wish we could move to Maui and into a quiet place that we could never afford and that doesn’t even exist since it’s pretty much noisy everywhere unless you’re out in the middle of the Arctic or something like that.

Everyone was alive again in my dreams last night from my grandparents to my parents to my brother to Jim Rome. In the dream where my parents were alive, I went over to their house with Fuzzy. Only dad was home at the time and I let Fuzzy run around loose. Dad was saying Mom would freak out when she got home and I said, “Maybe she’ll like him when she sees the cute things he does.”

Then I was talking to Jim and it seemed that my parents and Charlotte were dead. We had a pleasant and intelligent conversation about life in general. He sat in a plush chair, disabled for the most part. I think he said he had muscular dystrophy. He was very easygoing and nice to chat with and I said it was a bit hard to believe he was friends with my mom since he was so nice and mellow and my mother could be a controlling bitch.

The subject of my studying languages came up and he seemed surprised about it. At first, I was surprised no one mentioned this since it was so much a part of my life and my interests but then I realized that my mom wasn’t usually in the habit of discussing my interests with others unless it was something she herself could relate to.

Then a younger woman came to join us in our discussion and was talking about her job. She and Jim were laughing about her interesting job title, but I don’t remember what it was.

Then I walked out of my grandparents’ living room and into their garage. The garage door was open and I stepped out into the rain and walked down to my parents’ house. I didn’t see them or Tammy in the dream but I knew my brother was asleep in one of the bedrooms. I was carrying a pizza box down the hallway when I spotted a spider on his door. I crushed it with the box, careful not to wake him.

Then I was holding an old 45 in the shape of a cutout of a woman in a fancy dress. The entire image was overlaid in an orangy pink color. I thought about how I didn’t really like the song on it very much and wondered why I bothered to buy it.

Then I was tiptoeing through a rocky river. Larry might have been in that dream.

Lastly, I was in some kind of dance or aerobics class. A younger girl there had a sports bra and shorts on. The front part of the shorts was nothing but a thin mesh and you could easily see the front of her bikini panties through it, something a friend of hers was quick to point out.

Happy 38th birthday to Aly! Hope she has a good one (on the 17th), though I’m not liking the fact that she’s been “spying” on me. Just what is it she’s looking for? To compare what I share with others with what I share with her? To see my comments? Why is she so curious about me anyway? Unless it’s a site I don’t tell her about, I pretty much can’t write anywhere else and get some privacy from those I actually know, which I’d kind of prefer every once in a while so I can be a bit more open. The more I share with strangers, the less I have to worry about hurting people’s feelings. In general, I don’t give a shit about people’s feelings, but I don’t want to unnecessarily offend any of my friends so that’s why I try to keep things separate since I sometimes include things they wouldn’t like or agree with. But she makes this a little hard to do when she’s peeking in on me here, there and everywhere.

MONDAY, APRIL 15, 2019 Got up at 7 and took my meds. Was so tired that I slept another couple of hours. Not too fatigued today…so far. Definitely didn’t sleep well last night as I woke up a million times. Hot flashing, needing to pee, just because…

All I remember for dreams is something about going to some kind of camp or activities resort and being pissed that I had to miss out during the daytime on things because I couldn’t get up before late afternoon.

The Caddy will be picked up on Saturday.

Used up a bale of bedding on the pigs. Yes, this is easiest but I’ll probably just work harder and save money by returning to liners. Just gotta fight with the hay a bit. They also do kick some bedding out so liners will keep the floors a bit cleaner.

A certain pesky little rat just had to jump into the hay holder while I was trying to fill it and then climb shelves that are a no-no. LOL, this rat gets around, alright. One minute he’s one place, the next he’s on the back of the couch trying to jump onto the treadmill tray.

My NutriBlast blender arrived yesterday and I love it! In the large cup, I made a blueberry banana smoothie with the blades that sort of forms a plus sign, and he made one of his breakfast shakes in a smaller cup with the other blade.

Read up on the dos and don’ts of the blender and various recipe ideas as well as the benefits of different greens, fruits and nuts. All of them do great things…fight various types of cancer, protect the heart, lower BP, lower cholesterol and so much more. Not one of them said, “But it could be bad because…” or “The only negs are…”

They basically say to go with 50% leafy greens, 50% fruit (of any and all kinds) and a 1/4 cup boost (nuts). No more than 25% of everything added should consist of ice if you’re going to use it. They say the more fruit varieties you add, the more benefits you get, plus you need to add a liquid of some kind.

Also, you should buy organic if the fruit has no skin like bananas and oranges do. Bananas will last longer if you refrigerate them and they can be peeled and frozen too, as I read.

Just made a smoothie with half a cup of blueberries, one large romaine leaf, a quarter cup of milk and a quarter cup of granola. Not bad. Even the calories of healthy stuff can add up, though, so I try to use half-servings.

Was thinking about this protected class bullshit we have, and well, most of it is just that…bullshit. I can totally see protecting children, the disabled and the elderly, but why should you deserve more protection based on either your occupation or your color? If you kick my ass you shouldn’t be excused or get any kind of breaks just because you may be a doctor or a lawyer or a cop or maybe because your skin is darker than mine. You should get the same punishment a white accountant, housekeeper or painter should get. I hate it when people are excused or given breaks for the wrong reasons!

SUNDAY, APRIL 14, 2019 I’m continuing to battle intermittent fatigue but determined to stick to 50s and find out for once and for all if in fact my anxiety is a dosage issue or not. It’s frustrating and gets in the way of life, yes, but anything is better than anxiety.

Tom trimmed the grassy weeds around the place today and yesterday. He’s determined to keep up on the outside more often. The carport and patio need power hosing, too.

Because the price of scrap is down right now, no junkyard is interested in buying the Caddy from us so we’re going to be donating it to this place that will auction it off. They’re to be calling back to schedule a time to pick it up.

Here’s the best news of all. In going through the file box in search of the Caddy’s title, he came across a receipt from the previous owners and it turns out that the roof was replaced 15 years ago! That’s fantastic to know because that’s one less large expense we have to deal with. :-) Explains why I could never “see” us doing it, too.

Yesterday we went to the dollar store so I could get a variety of air fresheners for cheap and I got four fragrances. Rose, vanilla, papaya-mango, and waterfall.

I also got bath gloves, a couple of bottles of neon nail polish (pink and green), some candy, gum, and a sheet of pink rhinestone stickers which I decorated the base of the pigs’ cage with and the center of the rats’ cage as well.

After that, we checked out Georgia’s Treasures, a place I’ve been curious about for a while, but nothing appealed to me there.

Another thing I’m excited about could be here any time now and that’s my new $50 blender. I decided last night that I wanted one because I think it would be a great way to replace my second meal with smoothies. The idea is to replace meals with fruits and veggies so I don’t get as much sodium, and this way I’m not having salty or sugary snacks either. Depending on the ingredients, you can make these things as unhealthy as they are healthy from what research I’ve done on allrecipes.com, so I definitely won’t be adding too many extras to the basics. Will have to pick up more ingredients to try different things and I’ve joined the site to get some ideas. I have bananas, blueberries and milk in stock so I can make a basic smoothie from that. It should be fun experimenting with different things. :-)

The blender will come with 2 small cups and 1 large one, plus a couple of different blades. I like how you can blend the stuff right in the cup you’re going to drink it out of. Plus, they have lids if you don’t finish it all at once. :-)

If I don’t lose weight and have to “cut my losses,” so to speak by just continuing to keep my weight where it’s at, that’s fine. I trust my body wouldn’t carry the extra weight if it didn’t feel it needed it. But if I do lose some, that’s fine, too. When I’m not looking things up or actually eating, I try to keep food out of sight and out of mind. For most folks, thinking often equals hunger which often equals extra stuff we don’t need.

Managed to reinstall Ask on my phone but I just put the site on my desktop rather than bothered with the app because I wasn’t impressed with the app at all.

Aly lost her phone so we’ve been doing regular texting until she either finds it or gets a new phone.

It turns out that Cam’s brother not only caught 10 mice at once with glue boards (that’s way more than the three we caught in the trailer at once), but other neighbors are experiencing the same problem.

SATURDAY, APRIL 13, 2019 Woke up early cuz I crashed early and I’m definitely not as awake as I was yesterday. Since the return of my anxiety is inevitable anyway, it might as well just come and get me so I can go back to 75s and have more energy. But how can 50s leave me this tired? Did I just get that used to 75s or what? I wasn’t this tired before I went on medication so I don’t know what to think. All I know is that I need to finally find out if it’s a dose issue or not. Again, I’d LOVE to find a solution to what’s been making me anxious like yesterday. But I also don’t want it to be caused by something my body otherwise needs.

My first thought is that it’s gotta be the dose that was making me anxious since it didn’t start till I went up to 75s. Then I tell myself nothing’s that easy for me and I couldn’t get that lucky as to have it be a simple dosage issue. But then finding it’s caused by something you need isn’t exactly “lucky” and as anyone who knows me knows, I’ve never really been a lucky person to begin with. For now, here’s to hoping a second cup of coffee gives me some energy!

Still have that strange dizziness, but it’s mostly only noticeable when I move my head. Better do my ears before my shower just in case that’s it.

Marie’s back and Aly asked if she was the only one I shared everything with, like a full picture, and mentioned Kim being back to blogging and wondering if I share everything with her or not.

So she discovered I blocked her on PB? Wonder if she’ll create a new account there?

Last night I dreamed that Palma was a street cop. She was cruising around with some blond chick and eventually killed a pedestrian in a high-speed chase.

I later heard her on the phone saying, “This is for (names her partner) too?” Then I learned she was being informed that charges were to be brought against her and her partner.

Then later still, I was in a giant factory that made manufactured homes. I was thinking that when I could get a word with Palma I would suggest she leave her hair down in court since she looked mean, LOL.

So I finally caught her as I was walking through a partially finished model of a small home. I called out to her and she said, “Oh, hi Jodi. What’s up?”

I stepped off the model’s floor and stooped down to pick up a handful of white ankle socks on the floor. I began to speak, coughed and said, “My asthma’s been acting up.”

Then I woke up as I was suggesting she leave her hair down so her dark distinct features would appear less intimidating.

FRIDAY, APRIL 12, 2019 Skimmed through the end of 2017 again, and while it’s true that I had no major anxiety at the end of the year, I did have half a dozen or so borderline days. As exhausted as I have been (although today I have more energy than I’ve had in several days), I’m going to keep going with the lower dose. We know it’s not the meds themselves, but this is the only way I can find out if it’s the dose or not. Assuming I’ll get anxious again sooner or later, that’s when I’ll return to 75s and hope it’s just hormonal and not a permanent condition I’ve been hit with. As much as I’ve been dying to find a solution for years now, I almost don’t want it to be the dosage since 50s is too low for me. Sure would be the simplest solution, though. Only time will tell for sure either way. Do I think it’s the dose? Well, my problems didn’t start till after it was raised, so that makes me think it could be. But nothing’s that easy for me either, so I doubt it is.

The loud car visited Wednesday and Thursday but not today. Disappointed but not surprised. This kid’s incredibly glued to his enabling parents that I knew something had to have happened to keep him away for the time he wasn’t coming around and that it was beyond his control. If it were up to him he’d still be living here, probably for the rest of his parents’ lives. Wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he shared a dumpy apartment with a few people and they were paying his expenses.

When I was coming back from my jog down to the lake and back, I noticed something big parked 4 houses down in the back. Some guy’s having a bunch of plants butchered. Thought I’d hear at least something even though it’s behind the houses but haven’t heard much yet. It’s going to be maddening when Lawrence has the front of his place done. I just hope I’m awake!

When are the bulk collectors going to pick up the trash? They were supposed to do this on the 10th.

Half of the regular trash got stuck and didn’t make it out. :( I caught the guy on the way back out and tossed in a bunch of plastic wrapping that came with the cage but there’s still enough other shit in the bin.

I think I will go with bedding for the pigs, after all. It’s just so much easier to deal with and the 4 of them are enough work as it is. I can take a bale and use about half of it to fill the whole cage. Then I can use up the rest of the bail doing partials which basically means replacing the ends of the cage. This will mean going through a bale every 2 weeks rather than 1.

It was cute watching Fuzzy try to get in the pigs’ cage. They were all nose to nose between the bars of the cage and the pigs weren’t distressed. That would change, of course, if I let Fuzzy in there.

Aly and I have been getting some questions from some people which we’re wondering the identity of. Apparently, I’m not the only one agreeing that while she may be great as a nanny, it may be too much for her to care for a child every single day. Still, I support her as her friend.

I’m not getting any shit, but I’m getting questions from someone that seems to know me or at least thinks they know me fairly well enough. I can only guess it’s someone on PB. These are questions that don’t seem like Kim would ask any more than family and former friends would ask. If Aly’s telling the truth about not asking me about fruity soda versus fruity water because they didn’t think I was a soda drinker, I can’t help but wonder who didn’t think I was. To say they didn’t think I was suggests they know at least some things about me.

You know, when I really sit and think about just how fucked up people are in general, it’s scary. I mean it’s downright scary. People are just so fucking cruel and crazy that it can be truly frightening to know that I have to live in a world like this every day.

Now Ohio has practically banned abortion and I’m just so sad for women in general because as unconstitutional as this is, I really do see at least most of the U.S. banning abortion eventually despite the fact that it’s not even murder and most of society seems to think a woman should focus only on careers and not family rather than being able to make up her own damn mind as to how she wants to live her own life.

Then Texas is supposedly proposing a bill making women who seek abortions eligible for the death penalty.

Reels with shock and confusion So let me get this straight…because you’re so pro-life and living and all that crap, you want to kill her instead or kill her as well? rolls eyes Only a state as fucked as Texas would come up with something this crazy but you know what? What really scares me is that the world and the laws are so damn crazy that it wouldn’t surprise me if one of these days something that insane really did come into effect.

Kill your fetus and we’ll make it a supposed double homicide by killing you too. Brilliant. Yeah, that’s the world I gotta live in.

Also, watching true crime docs never ceases to sicken and amaze me how sexual predators are released to do the same thing over and over again. Show me a case where this only happened once and these perverts didn’t re-offend once they were let go. Show me. Seriously, I’m 100% completely baffled as to why sex offenders aren’t either killed or locked up forever. They absolutely cannot be rehabilitated or changed any more than you can make straights gay or gays straight.

But people want to kill those who want to abort their unwanted fetuses? Really, what the fuck is wrong with people? Just what the fuck is wrong with this world that’s got so many things so twisted and backward? Kill the woman that dares to decide her own fate, but free the rapist?

OMG, I am never having sugar-free candy again! If I hadn’t lost my fucking memory I would have remembered just what it did to my stomach the last time I had it.

Tom figured out why Suki’s leg was all screwed up. One of her knees was bent in the wrong direction. I have no idea how it got that way but he realized that it wasn’t that they put a rotating joint in the knee but that it was the thigh joint that was twisted. Duh! Why didn’t I think of this myself?

Definitely ready for the weekend. Getting rid of the Caddy and going to some stores. Plus, we’re going to do some minor home repairs.

I had a couple of dreams about Kathleen and I wonder if it means I crossed her mind or she might actually call, but I would be willing to bet just about anything that I’ll never hear from her again. She’s had plenty of opportunities to contact me in the past yet she’s clearly not interested in being friends. She also never gave me her contact info when she asked for mine.

Regardless, I don’t remember what one of the dreams was about but in the other dream, I ran into her somewhere. She gave me a hug and then whispered something in my ear. At first I didn’t hear her and I had her repeat herself.

“Do you ever dream of me?” she asked.

“As a matter of fact, yes,” I said. “You were in my dreams last night.”

Then I had a dream that Nane might have been in. She had just come home from work. I don’t know what I was doing in her place but I said I would leave because I figured she would want to unwind alone and she said she didn’t want or need that or something to that effect.

In the last dream, I was in my forties and Tom and I were considering having me artificially inseminated.

But then we decided that since my body and health just isn’t what it used to be, we might foster an older child.

Tom said something about that being a possibility in 10 years and I said, “That’s what I was thinking. Someone who will be young enough to take care of us in the end if we need it.”

But then we scrapped that idea as well when we realized that in another decade we would both be getting kind of old. LOL

THURSDAY, APRIL 11, 2019 The loud car stuck around for 3 hours yesterday. If it came in later on, I don’t know.

I crashed at 5:30 the last two evenings and both times I was woken up an hour by something loud going by though I don’t know what it was. When I finally got up for good, all I remembered were bits and pieces of nonsensical dreams that I find hard to put into words, even as a writer.

Although I’m a bit dizzy, especially when I move my head, I’m definitely not as fatigued as I was yesterday. Yesterday I never could wake the hell up. It was so frustrating! I felt like something was trying to force me to choose between cutting my dosage and being exhausted (if there’s a connection there) and taking a full dose and being anxious.

It would be both good and bad if the dose cut turned out to solve my anxiety issues. Of course it would be good for obvious reasons and it would certainly be a simple solution… Just take a lower dose. That much would be easy. But I would really prefer to be able to take closer to what my body really needs.

In the end, I’m sure that being able to tell Dr. A when I see her on September 20th that the answer was in my dosage and that I’ve broken records as far as how long I’ve gone without anxiety is just a fantasy and that it’s going to get me again soon enough. A part of me wishes it would do it right now so I could just rule out the meds altogether and just go back to 75s where I have more energy. I still don’t know that the fatigue is completely tied into the dose anyway. Yes, I’m older now but why wasn’t I this fatigue before I was diagnosed? So I don’t think it’s all about the dose. I think it’s a combination of things. Thyroid, hormones, age, whatever.

I was able to go out walking, even if I only did 10 minutes. I saw the planes have been annoying me in the early mornings since last September. The sun had yet to rise but there was just enough light to see the two that headed east. They were definitely commercial airplanes that had taken off rather than preparing to land just as I suspected all along. Can’t say how high up they were but I’m guessing about 2000 feet. I could just make out the engine placement.

I’m definitely able to be more productive today even if I’m not exactly bursting with energy. I worked on my NaNo project. There’s no way I won’t nail my word count goal in plenty of time, so I can afford to skip a day here and there.

Tom now has a week and a half of days off accumulated and since our next anniversary is a big one being that it will be 25 years, he’s going to take some time off then. Not necessarily a whole week but since it falls on a weekend, maybe he’ll take a long weekend. Since he can control his schedule much easier than I can, he’ll match my schedule no matter what it is. I don’t know what we’re going to do at that time since it’s still a ways away.

I finished dusting the living room while Fuzzy tried hopelessly to break into the pigs’ cage while they remained hidden in their burrow. Those three-pound cowards absolutely must hide from that one-pound nightmare, hahaha.

Rockefeller’s so funny because he goes off when he hears Tom pull in. I was down in the bedroom which is far from where he pulls in. But Rockefeller is right by that wall, so even though I couldn’t hear him pull in, I knew when he did because Rockefeller let me know it.

Just wish I was healthier so I could devote more time to these furballs.

Found Aly’s account after forgetting the username when combing through comments I’d received and then I blocked it. Sooner or later I know she’s going to notice but hopefully, she’ll think it’s a glitch or something.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 10, 2019 And the inevitable return of the loud car after a much too short break is… NOW. :( :( :(

Figured the driver hadn’t killed himself or been thrown in jail. Just gotta hope I get another break soon and that we don’t go back to having to hear the punk twice a day.

I managed to perk up yesterday but today I’ve been tired all day. It’s taken nearly half a day to get enough energy to do today’s cleaning. Don’t see myself mustering up enough energy to work out, though. I tended to the animals and now I’m pretty much going to do digital work for the remainder of my day. And have some crab rangoons which I haven’t had in a while.

Regular bedding is definitely the easiest when it comes to the pigs. Very easy to scoop out and dump in. But that would be a bit expensive so I’ll return to liners. Maybe there won’t be as much hay stuck to them because having the outside holder is definitely a lot less messy than the inside holder. The only thing that frustrates me is when I see Rockefeller pull a piece out and drop it on the floor instead of eating it. What, are not all pieces of hay the same?

Got groceries yesterday from Safeway and they had everything in stock. They’re definitely a lot more reliable than Walmart so since I’m sick of them being out of so many things and the tip-begging, we’ll use Safeway for now even if they’re more expensive.

Why do people always have to put celery in tuna salad? You don’t have to put celery in tuna salad any more than you have to look like a guy because you’re a lesbian. :-) Really, what’s the connection?

Back to the fatigue. I don’t know what to think. I’ve battled with it on and off for the last few years and as Tom pointed out, I seem to have it whether I skip pills, cut them, or take full doses. It wouldn’t surprise me if some of it was connected to that but if my only two choices in life are being anxious or tired, I’ll take tired.

Got rid of the eggplant-colored shag rug we had in the kitchen for over a year because the Roomba couldn’t vacuum it and neither could I. I would have to go over the same old spots over and over again with the hand vacuum so I decided to return to the ugly floor below. It’s too late in the game to get it right as far as the floors in this place go. I just consider this a practice house. It’s amazing how the floor makes the kitchen seem so much brighter all of a sudden since it’s a lot lighter than the carpet was. It’s to be picked up today when the bulk trash collectors get here.

TUESDAY, APRIL 9, 2019 I never could get myself to wake up yesterday. I was exhausted all day and had to really push through to get everything done that I wanted to.

Today I’m tired as well but not quite as tired since I slept better. Still calm but definitely a little more hypo and that could be what’s causing some of my fatigue. My skin is a little dryer and I sometimes get cold even when it’s 74 degrees in here. I’d rather fatigue than anxiety but it sure would be nice to have nothing at all for once! If by some miracle reducing my dose is the answer to stopping the anxiety, I should adapt. I wasn’t this tired when my TSH was in the 30s (it can’t be over 20) because that’s what I was used to. That’s why it was such a shock to my system when I was suddenly flooded with more thyroid.

It would be wonderful and awful if it turned out that my anxiety has been a dose issue. It would suck since I need the damn medication and that would leave me to wonder if most of it really was on hormonal changes, or worse, a condition I acquired that’s not going away.

But a dose issue would be too easy and nothing is that easy for me in life, so I’m sure the anxiety will return. It’s just a matter of whether or not it takes 4 or 5 days or 4 or 5 weeks.

There was a missed call from the Behavioral Health Department and since I doubt it was Stacey calling to say hi, I’m thinking it was the shrink with an early opening. The problem with that is that had I been around and answered they probably would have told me to come in that day or the next day which wouldn’t leave Tom enough time to take off to get me there.

Spent what seemed like forever with the animals yesterday. I honestly don’t remember guinea pigs being this much work. But then I was a lot younger, healthier and less fatigued the last time I had them. I just get tired of being their slave at times! I’m still not sure what type of bedding would be best to use for them. I’m trying to make it easier for me, less smelly, and less costly. Since we’re not rich, I would rather save money and work harder if need be. Still, I want to enjoy them more than I work for them!

I’ll probably use disposables for the rats and I guess I’ll go back to liners for the pigs because I don’t think the few short pieces of hay and shed fur will clog the washer since it breaks down in the water. Also, by the time I pull it out of the dryer, it looks brand new anyway. I also don’t think bedding is going to be any easier. They’d still need to be changed twice a week, although the second time may only require a partial change. So disposables for the rats, but I don’t know yet for the pigs. I put regular bedding in yesterday so we’ll see how it is tomorrow. I change liners every other day so if I have to do the same for the bedding, then the liners are the better deal.

Lost just over a pound so far after two days of dieting but I’m already so sick of it that I’m tempted once again to just be myself even if I would be healthier if I lost at least a little. I hate being hungry and I know that unless I damn near starve myself and walk a few hours a day, I’m not going to lose much more than another 2 or 3 lb. You can’t just cut back or “be a little more active” with thyroid disease.

Gotta catch up on NaNo. I wrote yesterday’s chapter but didn’t edit it. So I have one to write and two to edit. Doubt I’ll raise my goal count any higher. I’ll leave it at 12k, though I expect the story to hit at least 20k when it’s done.

Also gotta clean the master suite. When Roomba’s vacuuming for me, I’ll hang out in the living room while Fuzzy runs around. He was funny earlier when he climbed on Tom and immediately went to work trying to chew one of his earbuds that were dangling from his Hearphones.

Lastly, I want to work my arms and core.

MONDAY, APRIL 8, 2019 I’m tired so far today because I slept shitty. The pill cuts may have something to do with it too, but I kept waking up warm since my body now has to acclimate to the oncoming warmer weather.

Dreamed I weighed myself in kilos and first was 68, then 66. That’s 146 lb. Well, I’m down half a pound at 154, but highly doubt I’ll ever hit 150, let alone 146. Not unless I have a heart attack like Virginia, who Tom says lost a lot of weight when he saw her and Bob sitting out front on his way to pick up the mail. I’ll bet she has!

Wonder if they took her off her thyroid meds or if her weight loss affected how it affects her if they didn’t.

The pigs may be cute but timid, and Woody may also be cute but antisocial, but I sure had fun playing with Fuzzy yesterday. I call him a little copyrat cuz he copies my schedule. Even the fish is doing that now, LOL. Woody’s only let out weekly since he’s not the least bit obedient and rarely returns home on his own. In a cage I could damn near stand in, he’s got plenty of room to run, climb and get enough exercise there, so it’s not like he’s confined to a small space.

But my favorite little Fuzz bud was in and out and interacting with me as well as roaming around. He tries desperately to get into the pigs’ cage but I won’t let them near each other unless it’s out in the open as the pigs are terrified of him even if he weighs a third of what they do. When he last joined them in their burrow, the pigs ran out chattering their teeth.

After breakfast at McD’s, we went to Petco yesterday for fish compatible with bettas but were advised against it, even though I know dwarf frogs can live with them. I got those with fur some chew toys instead.

Gonna switch the pigs out to bedding later and put the fleece liners in the pen but not put it by their door. There’s no way these short-legged, fat-bodied guys could hop up through the door.

The Caddy can now barely run and pisses water like a horse when started. Since Candy’s proving to be very reliable, the Caddy will be off to the junkyard next weekend. Just not worth replacing its transmission, paying for gas, doing oil changes, and all the other shit you gotta do with gas cars. Now, if you like 500-mile road trips or you have a 45-minute drive to work, then a gas car is necessary. But I hate road trips, he doesn’t like to drive, it’s barely a half-hour to his job, so no more gas cars for us!

With summer fast approaching, it will be nice to have more space in the carport for getting the bike in and out.

I’ve got 5325 words in for NaNo, so I’ll be working on that today, working out, cleaning, etc.

SUNDAY, APRIL 7, 2019 Lit some baby powder incense and doubling up on NaNo today since I had a lot to do yesterday and was so tired that I skipped yesterday’s NaNo chapter. Did over 1,600 words tonight.

It’s been a peaceful night but yesterday morning I had to listen to that fucking punk who loves to gun his motorcycle. Still can’t tell where they are but I’m pretty sure they’re just over the wall.

Slept okay and a lot longer since I didn’t sleep as much the night before. Can’t remember much in the way of dreams but what little I barely remember seems to have been pretty neutral as opposed to the usual negative dreams I have.

Still tired, though. The pill cuts? Could be but I’m loving how much calmer I’ve been feeling. Yeah, since yesterday, virtually all traces of anxiety have diminished. If by some miracle it doesn’t return, then it was a dose issue. But when it does I probably won’t quit. If it was the meds themselves, then I’d have been anxious from day one. Not a few months later.

Couldn’t get into Numb3rs so I’m watching Nightmare Next Door instead. It’s just another crime doc. Really wish there were more American shows instead of mostly reality shows, documentaries, and foreign stuff.

Sometimes I find myself thinking of Marie. But do I actually miss her? Not really. She was just too moody for me. This doesn’t mean I don’t care about her, though, and hope she’s finally found her way in life albeit plenty late enough. At her age, I just don’t know, though. Did the bad things that happened to her as a kid permanently break her? Was she born the way she is? Both? I just don’t know. All I know is that I couldn’t take the lovey-dovey mood one minute, then the paranoid, delusional accusations the next.

I guess I’m a hypocrite because even though I just got done swearing I would never diet again since I can never lose more than a few pounds that come right back with my dead metabolism and shitty genetics, I really do gotta try to get down at least 10 lbs. That ain’t much but it definitely makes a huge difference down here at my height. I feel compelled to do it for health issues. It would lower my LDL score and hopefully lower my risk of diabetes as well since it runs in my family. I don’t care about my appearance and how I look to others, though. A person in the supermarket could think I was hideous while a person in the parking lot could think I was average and another thought I was above-average for all I care. All that matters is my comfort and health.

In trying to get the pigs to be a little braver, so when they scream for food and we walk over to the cage with veggies, if they run and hide they don’t get served. They now have to stand there and be served out in the open.

I know I should be more understanding of the fact that they’re wired the way they are but really, the scaredy crap gets old. I really do get tired of having animals that react as if I’m abusive and that are antisocial and prefer to be left alone. If it weren’t for Fuzzy being as affectionate as he is, I just may regret getting these guys. My special little Fuzz bud helps make up for the others’ cowardice.

With Woody, I don’t think it’s so much that he’s scared but would simply prefer not to bother with me. He doesn’t like to be picked up or petted. The pigs will eventually let me hold them without squirming to get away but not without a fight first. Like I said, wired that way or not, it really does get old. This is part of why I might consider a dog when he retires. I want a pet that won’t run when I approach it or fight me when I go to handle it. It’s just that I had always heard they were a lot of work and expensive. That’s not what my buddy says about her dog, though. Other than taking them for walks which I wouldn’t mind because I like to walk anyway, how much work could possibly be involved with a dog as opposed to a guinea pig who is constantly making a mess? I don’t think the cat was even this much work. Tempted to try regular bedding, which we still have, in the pigs’ cage and see how it holds up. It’s just that the hay is so damn hard to shake out of the liners, along with shedded fur. I should be able to scoop it out easily enough with the dustpan. These rats do well with liners so we’d still save a little money in the end and the fleece liners could be used in the pen.

Just got up and served everybody some blueberries and lettuce. The pigs not only let me serve them in the open but ate there as well.

Even Woody’s been a little more curious. He’ll never be like Fuzzy but he almost climbed out onto my shoulder from the upper level of the cage. Don’t know why, but rats like being up high, so they spend most of the time at the top of the cage. They’ll run downstairs to be let out but Woody’s gotten his outside privileges revoked for a while for refusing to go home when ordered to yesterday. I don’t even have to tell Fuzzy, though. He comes and goes and when I want him to stay in for a while, I can simply close his door. But not if Woody’s out. I’ll have to lock him upstairs next time I let Fuzzy run around.

Tom was pissed at himself when he returned from Sam’s yesterday morning and realized he left the bacon that was on sale in the cart.

I was pissed at my own self when I thought of all the doctor’s appointments I’ve had, mostly thanks to the fucking anxiety, since being in this house. It’s ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous. Most people my age simply don’t go to doctors this much, so from now on, no matter how I feel, I’m determined to stick to the basics. PCP twice a year, ENT once a year, dentist twice a year, eye exam once a year. I’ll pass on the mammogram, pelvic exam and that other gross exam older people are supposed to have. So 6 a year.

As I asked her to, Aly found my my-diary entry easily enough as it had the same title as what I emailed her. Figured she’d find it. Every now and then I’ll post the same content publicly if there’s nothing too personal in it. She gets to read more of the health stuff and things that are more personal and weird.

SATURDAY, APRIL 6, 2019 I’m now watching Numb3rs. Let’s see how many episodes it takes to hear about racism.

Holding off on giving my buddy my link to my my-diary account for now for two reasons. One is that she gets what I share there plus more via email. Two is cuz I want to see if she stumbles upon it accidentally and realizes it’s me. I don’t use full names but I do use real first names, so I would think that between that and what I write about, it should be obvious enough. As I told her, I’m curious as to how easy I am to find and how obvious it is that it’s me.

While I would prefer not to be that easy to find I’ve decided to compromise with myself. I’m not going to cut myself off as much as I had been but I’m not going to make myself stand out like a sore thumb and make things too obvious for certain people either.

The guinea pig cage came and it’s awesome! It too, is huge like the rats’ cage and I could fit in it if I hunched over. The only thing is that you definitely can’t house rats in it unless they’re large. A fat rat like Burke would be suitable but these rats are a little on the small side and I wouldn’t be surprised if they found ways both in and out of the cage. Not sure the pigs are going to like that, LOL, but we’ll see.

The pigs spend most of the time hiding in the burrow but they otherwise seem much happier in this cage. I don’t think they feel threatened by the wider, more open bar spacing.

I’m not sure they can get on top of the burrow where the bowl is. A rabbit, sure, but since I don’t know that they could do it very easily, I placed their regular bowl down on the floor. The bowl is molded into the burrow. It’s actually two plastic pieces. The bowl is set in a mold so you can remove it for easy washing. Well, I took it out and gave it to the rats. The rats now have their tree stump burrow and both levels which they surely appreciate.

I’m trying both the cage’s hay holder as well as one of the ones we got that attach to the cage to see which one makes less of a mess. Things would be a lot easier if it wasn’t for them needing hey, but they do.

It’s a good thing I don’t plan to use the front door of the cage much because it’s horrible the way it’s designed. The two dome roof doors lift up easily enough and I should be able to lift the liner out of the cage from there rather than take the entire cage off of the base. And the pigs too, of course. Decided not to place the pen nearby since I just can’t see them jumping out to hang out there. They really prefer to be more enclosed. They’re really only out in the open when eating or playing.

Since it’s been a while and Woody doesn’t seem as spastic and as disobedient, I let him out today. He and his brother are around here somewhere as I write this. Of course they’ve had fun walking on the top of the pigs’ cage and are getting more playful with each other, too.

FRIDAY, APRIL 5, 2019 It’s been a surprisingly quiet night so far. Other than a faint car stereo and a few planes, most of the background noise I hear is too faint or far to be even remotely annoying.

Tom awoke early so we went out for a walk. So peaceful in the middle of the night. We’re on for rain again tomorrow. I know we really need the rain here but I wish it would stop already. I miss the sunshine which I have to miss out on enough of the time as it is with my schedule.

Applying lotion after my shower while I’m still wet has been making a remarkable difference in making my skin softer and moister. It’s a bit of a hassle because I have to let my skin air dry before I get dressed but definitely worth it.

Amazon is really pissing me off because they keep changing the day the pigs’ cage is supposed to arrive. It was supposed to come Wednesday, then Thursday, yet it still isn’t here.

Saw a headline about a guy in North Carolina who was arrested for abandoning his pet fish when he got evicted. Okay, I can totally see where people would be anti-animal abuse. After all, they do have feelings too. However, there’s something about this that seems a bit extreme. Maybe it’s wrong of me but I think it’s one thing to beat the crap out of a dog or a cat but to arrest someone for abandoning a fish is going a little too far. Hell, people catch, kill and eat fish all the time. I think there are more important things to jail people for but that’s just our twisted justice system’s warped sense of priority for you.

Still not remembering much in the way of dreams. Something about something bad happening in a large hotel I was staying at. I don’t know if it happened in our room or not but it was in one of the hotel rooms. I walked by its open door and found the room totally ransacked.

Not feeling safe, I ran down to the lobby after it seemed to take forever for the cops to arrive. Not sure who called them, but when they finally arrived, half a dozen or so lady detectives were sitting at a couple of card tables chatting. I asked if they were the police and they said yes. Don’t know what happened after that, though.

Anyway, I think I’ll go start the fifth chapter of my NaNo project while my chicken wings are baking.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 3, 2019 Had a horrible, HORRIBLE night last night that it was almost scary. Just horrible anxiety that started early on and wouldn’t let up till the end of my day. It’s really pathetic that no doctor has been able to help stop this shit yet.

Here’s my plan… 6 weeks of 50s if I can stand it. If I’m still getting anxious come mid-May, I quit. If I’m still not better and the shrink can’t help, I’m gone on New Year’s. Enough is eFUCKINGnuff!!!

sighs with sadness, frustration and hopelessness If I just didn’t have this problem then my worst problems besides TMJ and LS would be cold, noise and occasional boredom. Oh, how I miss my old self! I want to go back! I want to go back in time so bad!

I always said the worst things would be being paralyzed or blind but I don’t know about that anymore. If I felt good while being confined to a wheelchair or feeling my way around, that may be the better deal. Having anxiety is like being thrown at random in a human-sized dryer and tortured on and off by viciously being tumbled round and round. You never know when you’re going to get thrown in that dryer or when you can get back out. It’s a shitty way to live!

But here’s the thing…a half-hour after taking my meds yesterday, I became anxious. So naturally one would blame the meds, right? Well, I took it today too, and I’m perfectly fine. I just don’t know what to think anymore. How is it that less than 24 hours ago I felt so miserable and wanted to kill myself whereas now I wouldn’t even know I had this problem if I didn’t know better? Tom still believes it’s mostly hormone-related rather than autoimmune and that it will eventually pass. Wish I could have his optimism but right now I have no reason not to think I’ll be tortured on and off for as long as I let myself live. I guess for now all I can do is enjoy the days when I’m not being attacked and tortured mercilessly by this shit. I’d forgotten about my full-spectrum light so I’m using that again when I’m on nights since I’m not getting much sun and hoping it will help keep me from feeling so bad at night.

I definitely seem to be worse when I’m on nights. It used to not matter but now there is a definite pattern. I’m also back to sleeping shitty but not because of traffic. I just seem to wake up a lot more often when I sleep during the daytime. Sometimes it’s to pee, sometimes it’s just because. I usually am able to go back to sleep, though.

I’m a little tired today but not too bad. I managed to let Fuzzy out for some exercise and change the pigs’ liner and things like that. Looking so forward to their new cage tomorrow!

Just when I thought they’d be stuck at the gate, then leave, someone let them in. The $21 set of rainbow silverware we ordered before he went to work this morning is AWESOME!!! If it holds up well over time I may get a 2nd set and replace all the plain silverware. It’s absolutely beautiful!

Had to watch another video on how to use the corkscrew we got. It’s a bit tricky and I’m not sure it’s worth it. Would rather pay a few more bucks for twist-off tops. Not sure I would notice the brand change if you gave me a glass of Barefoot Merlot and then Oak Leaf’s Merlot.

One of the Indian dolls I got centuries ago came with a decorative “blanket” which I put on top of the fish tank so he doesn’t always have to have bright lights shining down on him since I’ll probably start using my living room desk at night. Gives me variety and more time with the animals. Easier to jump on the treadmill, too.

Saw a fairly recent picture of Gloria, and gross! Just gross. I know I don’t look much better but she has definitely aged. She’s not as bad as Linda but she’s a lot like me.

Her daughter Emily is gay and her parents don’t seem to have a problem with it, which is nice to know. Emily isn’t as good-looking as her mom was but she’s pleasant enough. I would never think she and her girlfriend were gay. They both have long hair.

TUESDAY, APRIL 2, 2019 The Caddy is officially on death row. He runs it once a week in case we need it as a backup and said it barely ran the last time because it was so low on water. But Candy is doing great so Caddy and its busted radiator and failing transmission will be off to the junkyard in June. I would think the junkyard will have a field day picking apart this one. A Cadillac Seville? Goldmine!

The world does nothing but a bitch about climate change and all the things we’re doing to increase pollution and I don’t understand for the life of me why they won’t do something about it and make everything electric. Okay, so we don’t have to go and snatch everybody’s gas car away from them, but stop selling them for God’s sake! There really is no need for them anymore.

Checked in on Ask.

“When are you going to do it?”

The fuck is that supposed to mean??? shrugs Maybe I’ll answer with chapter 3 later on. Or at least what will fit into their character limits.

Although a cramp in my foot, a full bladder, as well as strange dreams I can no longer remember have woken me up a few times, I’m amazed to say that so far this week, traffic hasn’t woken me up. Could be a problem on Friday, though, unless I can use the buds comfortably enough.

Definitely fatigued yesterday, so unless I slept worse than I realize (not having that loud car around makes a huge difference… Until it returns and I have to put another spell on it), it could be the medication skips. Or the fact that I only slept 6 hours.

Had a “cold” spell and very faint traces of anxiety yesterday, but sure enough, as soon as I start 50s today, it’s increased. Still gonna stick it out a while and see how I do. This should tell me in the end of it’s the dose or the meds. Just don’t know why I didn’t have anxiety the first 3.5 months on this shit when I was on the 50s. Guess it goes to show that other factors really are influencing the anxiety as well.

I’m just so tired of this shit. Just so, SO fucking tired of this shit and I can really see myself ending it all at the end of the year if it doesn’t back off when I’m postmenopausal. There are only so many more years of this shit I can take. It’s wearing me down and totally getting in the way of life and my general sense of well-being. I could still quit the meds and get that out of the equation if it is a factor or at least influencing other factors, but first I want to see if I can stick the 50s out a while. I’m just sick of trying to figure this out and how no one seems to be able to help me either. Clearly, if there is anything up there it doesn’t give a shit how I feel or what happens to me.

If hormones don’t settle in or the doctors can’t end this shit this year, I will. That’s my promise to myself no matter who it may hurt in the end that I leave behind. Sometimes we all gotta think of ourselves first and foremost. I promise myself… somehow the anxiety really will be over this year. I just hope I don’t have to kill myself to end it. However, I just don’t see this eventually going away on its own as Tom does. I wish I could believe he was right but each year that I have it, even though I’m not yet postmenopausal, my hopes fade.

This is too weird. In the crime documentary series I’m watching, there’s a detective with long brown hair and brown eyes named Michele M. Well, a character in my book that’s a detective with long brown hair and brown eyes is also named Michelle M but with two L’s.

I now have 1569 words done! And a beautiful metallic rainbow tumbler, too. Just wish it had more pink and purple rather than mostly blue and gold.

The Oak Leaf Merlot I got is corked. Could have sworn it looked like a twist top online. Will have to order a corkscrew then.

Aly and Cam are looking into the requirements for adopting a foster kid and I can’t help but wonder how the hell she’s going to be able to afford that when she’s in debt and makes little money. Cam would have to do most of the supporting. The question is what will happen to the kid when they break up. Also, if she thinks she doesn’t have much free time now, just wait. Still, I hope it works out for them if it’s what they want and that they don’t get too down if it doesn’t since life isn’t usually like a buffet. You can’t just go up and get what you want from it.

They’re to be renting a house for $930 and were told they’re just what the neighborhood was looking for, people with no little kids, who keep to themselves, and are both employed. She didn’t say how big the house was or how many bedrooms or how old it is.

Wish this place was looking for no loud vehicles, visiting or residing!

She doesn’t make much money so I’m guessing Cam’s house is all paid for in order for them to afford to rent and own (though they may rent Cam’s house). Wish we could have run off and rented something to escape the circus next to us in Phoenix!

It’s just so weird, though. I have never heard of a house or building with an unfixable mouse problem. Never.

MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2019 Tomorrow (I would have started today had I not misplaced the GP’s nail clippers) I will be clipping a third of my pills so it’s like I’m taking 50s again. No real anxiety yesterday or as much head pressure. Today my head’s “buzzing” a bit, whatever that means, and I’m a bit tired. Although I miraculously managed to sleep through traffic, I’m probably tired due to the medication skips but maybe not. Sometimes it seems people just get tired. That’s okay. I can lie down as often as I want to throughout the night, including while I’m talk-typing the second chapter of my NaNo project.

Back to the medication. I’m going to see how I do with “turning” my pills into 50s every day. If I do well all the way on up to when it’s getting close to my next trip to the lab, I’ll message Dr. A and tell her I’ve got to go back to 50s regardless of what the numbers will say.

As I was falling asleep, I was racking my brains asking the same question I’ve been asking for years now… What do I do next???

Remembering that I never had a problem during the three and a half months I was on 50s half a decade ago, I figured that was the best place to start would be to go back in time to before I started having problems.

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achelouise · 3 years ago

Text

For context, please read

words: around 1k

fandom: genshin impact/原神

pairing: (hinted) shikanoin heizou x gn!reader

warnings: no beta we die like tEPPEI

summary: you pay the consequences of underestimating heizou’s stubbornness.

a/n: how we all doing!! im just exploring golden apple archipelago and i can definitely see why everyone wanted it to come back. its really BIGGG and a lot of quests! i especially loved fischl’s play and the ravens, what a performance~ also the treasure hunting quest, it was so adventurous, and mona’s tower is SOSOSOSO pretty i took a bajillion pictures. i hope everyone else is enjoying this summer as much as i am! relax, have fun and enjoy it while it lasts~

Honestly, the trip to Seirai Island would’ve been much smoother if a certain crow wasn’t crying like hell by your side.

You will never, ever admit this, but you don’t exactly know how to drive a waverider. Usually, you would let your master show you the way, but he’s being occupied by some business with the Tenryou Commision. No form of communication was available without the police finding out, so you both had to stay out of touch for now.

That being said, you could always ask the traveler for help－ it was them that introduced you to such a mechanism, after all. But they’ve got enough on their plate, returning from the Chasm and all that. Plus, they’re planning to go to Sumeru next, and as much as you’d love to go with them, your duty binds you to this archipelago.

You swore it, after all. To die on the same soil that you were given birth into, is one of the many, many oaths you had to swear before being passed on your father’s handguard.

Sometimes, you wonder what it would be like－ to travel vast seas and let the world become your home. But you would have to be frail to the point of settling down by then, in order to give up your current life. It was either that, or death.

You shake your sentimental thoughts away. Inazuma is plenty big.

The clouds turn from its thundery grey into a vast purple.

You’re not completely aware of the history of Seirai, but from the traveler’s letters, it seemed like a Thunder Manifestation once struck the land with its storms. It lives on the top of a peak, or, at least, its phantom. You have no intention of fighting it. Though the traveler is amazing and exceeds at every turn, they too found the manifestation to be annoying and time-consuming.

If the legendary traveler who split waves to cross Inazuma (maybe this was an exaggeration, but you learned the stories from Teppei, so) found an opponent to be annoying, how would you find it? You don’t want to find out.

The traveler also dealt with the Electro Thunderstorm in both Tataratsuna and on Seirai Island. Bless them. It seemed like they were erasing the burdens the gods from years ago laid. What next, were they going to remove the thunderstorm on Yashiori Island?

You did end up staying at the House with a Wisteria Crest, welcomed by a group of enthusiastic women who were saved from the clutches of a demon by ‘a man who looked just like you, dear, are you his relative?’, your stomach sank but you said nothing.

Maybe the stay was what angered the crow to annoy the hell out of you during this trip.

No, not a maybe. It’s a definite reason.

“CAW! CAW!”

“Oh Archons above, shut the fuck up already!”

You never liked your crow. You always hesitate in receiving orders from a person who shouldn’t have authority at all.

“We are nearing Seirai Island! Prepare yourselves, for danger looms! Caw!”

You glance at the unnatural landscape. Even from a distance, you see groups of Kairagis and Fatui walking in their own circle. “Yeah, totally didn’t notice that, thanks for the heads-up.” You roll your eyes.

The traveler never mentioned anything about a shrine… was it irrelevant? It seemed like it was, compared to a ruin deep below simmering waters and ‘annoying as hell primarily-colored barriers’. You couldn’t see how the shrine would survive in such hazardous circumstances; hell, you don’t even know if there are any actual residents here－ whether by its nature or by demons.

Right, demons.

“Do you have any more information on this supposedly attacked shrine?” You ask the crow.

It ignores your question with a loud shriek, and you have the thought to choke the bird again.

Yes, you had a very bad temper, but it’s a miracle anyone wouldn’t be living such a life. Perhaps it’s because you’re too young and still have that youthful passion or whatever, but you’d rather burn yourself alive than stay tired and dry.

… Huh. Maybe that was the Pyro vision’s origins.

Anyway, your vision has saved you on numerous occasions, so you have that to thank. Your rebellious streak would have caused you to die ten times over before your slayer path could even begin had it not existed.

The waverider pulls to a slow stop, with the casual waves of the ocean rocking it back and forth towards land.

You glide off the wind current the waverider provides you, and you glance at the sky. The crow is gone again, meaning that your destination is probably not far-off. You probably won’t see it again until your mission is complete.

… Could the maidens guarding the shrine possibly wait for a week or two?

You slap yourself. Hold yourself together. You’re here to save, not to get rid of that pesky bird.

Surprisingly, despite the threatening vast purple cloud that looms over the crackling sky, you don’t see thunder tailing your ass every five seconds. You’re not complaining, of course. This makes exploration much more convenient than Yashiori Island.

“Hey.”

“Jesus f-”

You brandish your sword with a wave. God, you’re really not on your A game today－

What the hell?

“Shikanoin?”

At your confusion, the detective chuckles. That irriating, stupid chuckle that makes you want to sock him in the face.

“Wha- but how?” You fumble.

“Hm? Did I make you speechless?” Shikanoin grins from ear to ear. “Well, there are some things in this world that should remain a secret－”

“You got a waverider here, didn’t you.”

It wasn’t a question; it was a statement. Otherwise, how would he have come here? By riding a magical dragon? Please.

Shikanoin shrugs. “Would you believe me if I said I swam my way over?”

“Impossible.” You scoff. “Not with that little body.”

“The smallest are always the most cunning. They will do everything to reach the top.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Oh, you’re a rat, then? Gonna rat me out to the officials?”

Shikanoin feigned thinking about it. “Hmmm, no. How about I let your bird do all the talking?”

He grabs a rattling cage from behind and－ your heart drops as you see your crow going haywire in it.

As much as you find the crow a pain in the ass, it’s your messenger, the loudness to fill in quiet nights.

Nights without flare, knowing at least one person slipped from your grasp and being victims of the demons, can be quite easy to succumb to without the crow’s annoying jabs.

Plus, while you could replace a crow, you’ve gotten quite attached to yours－ even if you remember it as annoying and loud, the crow reflects your own personality－ hence you’re also annoying and loud, in other aspects.

“CAW! Absurd! How dare you capture me?!”

Pyro flickers on your fists, but you calm yourself. “What do you want?”

“I want to join your journey.” Shikanoin replies, without elaborating further.

You have half the mind to just steal it from him, but while Shikanoin isn’t a samurai, he can put up a fight. You will never let yourself live it down if your irrationality injured your crow.

“Argh, you little s－ fine.” You bite out, a hand gesturing Shikanoin to hand it over, but he merely smiles and waves his index finger.

“Nope, I’m keeping this.”

As if you would let him go the second you get back your crow. He’s going to get himself killed if he continues running around like a headless chicken.

“If you want to get killed so badly, I suppose I can’t stop you.” You roll your eyes.

“I won’t die.” Shikanoin smirks. “I have you after all－ my knight in shining armor~”

You whirl around and shoot a glare. This is why you prefer solo missions..“If you keep joking like that I’ll become the dragon that traps you in a tower.”

“Feisty.”

You ignore his comment and begin to walk.

Honestly, walking around with Shikanoin is just as annoying and you’d expect－ only this time, he isn’t a crow that fumes at your retorts. It’s you that keeps ending the jabs with a huff.

You’re an introvert, through and through－ just one of those extreme kinds where everything is a nuisance to you.

And yet, you can’t bear to see the world crumble because of your ignorance, so you push on.

“Sooo, where’re you from?”

“Inazuma City.”

“Your parents?”

“Doesn’t concern you.”

“Your occupation?”

“… Really?”

“Archons, you’re so boring to talk to.”

“I’m sorry, did I ask for you to, oh great and noble one?”

Shikanoin pouts, and you find it strangely suiting the brat. “We’re partners now. Speaking of, I don’t even know your name!”

“Again, none of your business.” You snort, your eyes still scanning the area. “It said there was a shrine… what’s that all about?”

At this, Shikanoin perks up. “Shrine? You mean the Asase Shrine?”

“… Yes. It refused to elaborate.”

“Hm? How can a shrine survive in such a deserted environment?”

You shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t think anyone’s been here for years. Except for the traveler, of course.”

Shikanoin squints his eyes, and points. “There’s a Statue of the Seven… we can probably get a wider view up there.”

“… Doesn’t having a Statue of the Seven usually mean it is a sign of having a god’s protection?”

You both share a look. “Probably not. Not with this… mess.”

“Then why…?”

“A sign of sympathy? Or was it originally there, and the storm had appeared only after?”

Thinking about it, you snort. Yeah, right. Sympathy your ass. The Raiden Shogun, preserver of eternity and killed those who defied against her, sympathizing with a product of another god’s death? The two can’t possibly be linked.

Be careful.

There is life everywhere. You don’t wield some super ability to be one with nature－ but you don’t remember when this voice has ever crept into your head.

It has never once harmed you, and aided you on many occasions, especially during the final selection, so you trust it, more than yourself… even though you’re sure relying on this voice too much will one day be your downfall.

Your senses sharpen at the sudden thought. “Be on your guard, detective.” You remind.

Shikanoin was silent, and you turned around to face him. His face has dropped its playful grin. Hmm, good. At least even people like him takes things seriously.

Something is circling this area.

But what?

#demon slayer #genshin impact #kny x reader #kny x y/n #kny x you #gender neutral reader #heizou x reader #heizou x y/n #genshin heizou #heizou x you

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study-coffee-chicago · 3 years ago

Text

Overprotective (A Halstead Brothers + Halstead Sister! Imagine)

A/N: This was a request from an anon who wanted overprotective Jay and Will and angst and fluff! So, I hope I did your request justice!

Thanks for reading! Remember to like/reblog and comment! I love reading your comments because they put a smile on my face!

Thunderstorm (age 7)

It had been six months since your mom died. Jay was back from his second deployment and was now a police officer and Will was in New York for what you called doctor school. And your dad, well he was here in Chicago with you physically, but not mentally.

You whimpered as you hugged your teddy bear--whom you had affectionately named Officer Chuckles after you heard someone call Jay that at a picnic for police and their families--tight to your chest. The thunder was really loud and you swore it was shaking the house. And, to make matters worse, your dad wasn't here; he had left his seven-year-old daughter alone at home, during a thunderstorm, at 11:30 at night.

Your mom had loved thunderstorms and she'd always watch them as they rolled in. If it was morning, she'd sit and drink her coffee on the front porch while she watched them and listened to the rain drum down on the roof. If it was nighttime, she'd have something called wine, which she told you that you couldn't have until you were older, and do the same thing.

Because of this, every time there was a thunderstorm and your dad wasn't working, he'd always go to the cemetery to visit your mom. You didn't know what he did there. You just knew that every time there was a thunderstorm, you'd just be that much more scared.

Your mom used to comfort you when there was a thunderstorm; she'd tell you that the thunder was just a giant up in the sky bowling and that he just got a strike. But, your dad wouldn't really comfort you because he'd just leave. And, there was only so much Officer Chuckles and huddling in your blankets could do for you.

"We gotta call Jay," you whispered to your bear. "He'll know what to do."

So, you gripped Officer Chuckles in your little hand and then made your way into the kitchen. You jumped as more lightning and thunder cracked across the sky.

You flicked on the light and picked up the phone. You looked at the number on the fridge and carefully dialed it and then hit the "talk" button. Then, you listened to it ring while little whimpers of fear escaped your mouth.

"Dad? Why are you--" You jumped and a small scream came out. "Y/N? Kiddo, what are you doing up? It's late."

"I- I'm scared," you said quickly and ran back to your room with Officer Chuckles and the phone still in your hand and pressed up to your ear.

"Because of the thunder?" Jay asked gently.

"Uh-huh," you answered as you buried yourself back under your covers. "Daddy's not here and-and it's really loud."

"Dad's not there?"

"He went to see Mommy." You squeaked as more thunder came.

Jay cursed on the other end of the phone and hoped you didn't pick up on it. "Y/N, I will be there in ten minutes, okay? I just want you to stay in your room until I get there. Can you do that for me?"

"Uh-huh. But please come fast, Jay Jay. Me and Officer Chuckles are really scared."

"I'll come really, really fast. I promise. Now, I have to put down the phone so I can drive. But I promise I'll get there really fast. I love you."

"I love you, too, Jay Jay."

***

Jay cursed himself as he drove as fast as he could towards his childhood home. He didn't even speed, just tried to go the speed limit. But, it was downpouring so hard that he had to slow down so that he didn't hydroplane and get into a car accident. He didn't need that right now and you definitely didn't need that right now.

Jay walked up the front porch--forgetting his umbrella in his car because he was so focused on getting to you--and then found the spare key under the flower pot. The flower was fake; there's no way your dad could keep a plant alive.

"Y/N?" he called out as he slipped off his shoes once he was inside. "It's me. It's Jay Jay."

Thunder cracked across the sky and Jay swore under his breath and then took off running to your bedroom.

There, he found you huddled underneath your comforter clutching Officer Chuckles to your chest and resting your head against him. Your small night light was the only thing giving off light in your room.

"Y/N," he whispered, causing you to jump. "It's okay, it's just me. It's Jay," he said quickly and then flicked on your bedroom light.

Now that everything was bathed in light, you jumped out of bed without hesitating and held tightly onto Jay. "It's too loud! It's too loud!" you wailed as your fingers clutched the bottom of his shirt.

"I know, I know," he soothed and gently rubbed your back while you continued to cry. "But remember what Mom said? It's just a giant up in the sky bowling."

"Well, he needs to play a quieter game."

Jay laughed at that. "I mean, we could try to tell him that, but I don't think he'd listen since he's way bigger than us." You nodded in agreement. Jay crouched down in front of you, seeing as you had finally let go of him. "Y/N, can you grab me your most favorite backpack?"

"Why?" you asked, tilting your head to the side. "It's nighttime, not school time."

Jay smiled at your innocence. "I know. But, you're gonna come over to my house and we're gonna have a sleepover."

"Like we do on some weekends?"

"Just like that."

More thunder.

You grabbed onto Jay's hand. "You come with me to get my backpack in the living room?"

Jay nodded. "Of course."

Once you were back in your room, Jay started grabbing some clothes for you and you grabbed your favorite blanket and Officer Chuckles. Then, something dawned on you. You were always supposed to tell your daddy if you went somewhere.

"Will Daddy be mad?"

Jay turned away from your dresser and to look at you. "Why would he be mad, kiddo?"

"Because I'm not- I'm not telling him I'm having a sleepover with you."

"Oh, he knows."

"You talked to him?"

"I called him on the way here." Well, he sent him a strongly worded text message, but that was basically the same thing. All he needed to know was that you were coming to his house since you were scared of the storm (not to mention you were seven years old and you shouldn't be home alone in the first place). He hadn't answered the text yet, but at least he'd know where you were.

"Okay. Will you come with me to get my raincoat, too?"

Jay had just finished putting the last of a pair of clothes in your backpack. "I think we can grab that on our way out. Good thinking, kiddo."

He shouldered your little backpack and took your blanket from you so that it wouldn't drag on the wet ground when you walked outside. Then, you put on your rain boots and raincoat at the front door and clutched Officer Chuckles super tight and walked out to Jay's car, and started on your way to his apartment.

***

"Hold my hand when we walk through the parking lot, okay?" Jay said as he pulled into the parking lot of his apartment building.

"Okay."

He put the car in park and then turned it off and got out, quickly opening an umbrella he had stashed in his passenger seat. Then, he made his way over to your side of the car and helped you out and grabbed your backpack, and slung your blanket over his shoulders. You held tight to Officer Chuckles with one hand and held Jay's hand with the other while you two walked into his apartment building, the umbrella Jay was holding with his opposite hand shielding you from the rain.

Once you were inside, you handed Jay your raincoat and he hung it up on the rack because you couldn't reach it.

Jay started digging around in your backpack for the spare pair of pajamas that he had packed for you. "Okay, Y/N, why don't you go put on these nice comfy pajamas--"

"Because mine are kinda wet?" you asked and looked up at your big brother.

"Yes, because yours are kind of wet," Jay confirmed. "And then after, we can go to sleep, okay?"

Thunder cracked again and you jumped.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Jay said and crouched down in front of you. "I promise you nothing bad will happen."

"You promise?"

"I promise," he confirmed with a nod of his head.

You turned to go change your clothes, and then remembered something. "Can I sleep with you tonight?"

"Of course."

After you changed into dry pajamas, you put your dirty ones in your backpack and left the bathroom to see Jay sitting on the couch waiting for you. "Ready for bed?" he asked.

You yawned. "Uh-huh."

Jay glanced at the clock. It was nearing 12:30 am. There was no way you were going to go to school after six and a half hours of sleep. So, he had a plan. And that plan involved iHOP.

Once you got into bed, you tried to fall asleep, but you couldn't. Jay noticed this when you jumped at the thunder. So, he grabbed your little hand in his and squeezed. You then moved closer to him and buried your head in his chest. You knew you were safe from the thunder because your big brother was around and he was big and strong and would protect you from anything. So, you soon fell asleep after, ending your very long night.

***

You rubbed your eyes as you walked out of Jay's bedroom the next morning, Officer Chuckles in your hand dangling by your side.

"Morning, sleepyhead," Jay said.

You looked at the clock. 8:30. "Don't I gotta be at school?" you asked, scrunching up your eyebrows which Jay thought was the cutest thing ever.

"Not until after lunchtime," he told you. "You were up really late, so I wanted to let you sleep. And, so we can go out for breakfast."

"Really? Where?" you asked excitedly, almost dropping Officer Chuckles because you were absolutely buzzing with excitement.

"That is a surprise. Now, how about you go get dressed and brush your teeth and brush your hair, and then we can get going, okay?"

"Okay!"

Then, you scampered off and did just what Jay told you to do. You wanted to know what the surprise would be!

Once you were all done, you and Jay left, and on the ride to the place where you were going for breakfast, you kept asking where you'd be going. But, Jay just wouldn't let up. But, then you saw the big blue sign and knew exactly where you were headed.

"iHOP!" you exclaimed. "Smiley pancakes! Smiley pancakes!" You looked at Jay as he turned into the parking lot. "Can I get the smiley face pancakes? Please, Jay Jay?"

Jay smiled at your excitement. "Yes, you can get the smiley face pancakes."

"Yay!" you cheered.

After breakfast and going back to his apartment to get your school stuff that he had packed in your backpack last night, Jay brought you to school.

When he got back to his apartment, he started making phone calls and cashing in favors.

A month and a half later, Jay officially had guardianship of you.

***

Beach fight (age 14)

"It's so hot," you whined as you walked out of your room in the middle of summer and into the kitchen. You looked at Jay who was drinking coffee out of a mug. "I don't get how you can drink hot coffee. It's too hot out for that."

"You--" Jay took a sip of his coffee.--"are such a drama queen."

"But I'm a queen, so I'll take it."

Jay rolled his eyes. "Wonder where you got the quick comebacks from."

"Just a tall, red-headed doctor. Definitely not you."

"You're funny, kid. Real funny." Jay's phone buzzed. He furrowed his eyebrows. Then it buzzed again and he made eye contact with you and tilted his head to the side. "You texted Will about a beach day? And said that I said it was okay?"

"Uh-huh. You aren't the only Halstead sibling who can be sneaky you know."

"Normally, normally I'd be pissed. But, it's scorching out. So I'll give him a call. Go start getting ready and wear your swimsuit under your clothes so we don't have to change there."

"Yes! Thank you, Jay! Love you!" You gave him a quick hug.

"Yeah, yeah. You never love me more than when you get your way."

Then, you went off to your room to get changed.

***

"Will said he'd be right here," Jay muttered as he looked at his phone for the millionth time in ten minutes. Will and Jay had set up a spot to meet, but Will was running late.

Then, Will's familiar car pulled in and he parked. "Sorry I'm late," he started as he stepped out. "Had to pick up some groceries." He held up the six-pack of beer. "Can't have a beach day without alcohol."

Jay rolled his eyes. "Uh, yes, you can. And both of us are driving home." He turned to you. "Y/N, you're gonna have to make sure each of us only drinks two. I should be fine, but I don't know about him here."

"Hey!" Will exclaimed and then smacked Jay upside the head with his free hand.

You rolled your eyes and grabbed your beach chair and your drawstring bag with your towel and your book from Jay's truck. Jay grabbed the cooler, his bag, and his chair. Will grabbed his stuff and then the three of you were off.

***

You had waded in the water and read your book for a bit while Will and Jay chatted about some mutual cases they had come across while drinking their beer and eating snacks. You were snacking on your cheddar popcorn, (which Will had affectionately picked up a bag for you when he went to get beer because he knew it was your favorite) when you realized something: the boys had a drink other than water but you didn't.

You debated which brother would allow you to buy something from the coffee cart up by the entrance to the beach.

Will won.

"Will," you said sweetly and turned around to look at him.

"Uh oh," Jay said. "That's her I want something voice. Don't give in. Be strong."

Will rolled his eyes. "Yes, Y/N?"

"I was thinking--"

"It's worse than I thought!" Jay exclaimed. "She's thinking!"

You scowled at him and turned back to face Will. "I was thinking that since you two have something other than water to drink and I don't, could I maybe get something from the coffee cart? Please?"

"Yeah, sure. Why not?"

"Dude! She's fourteen! She shouldn't be drinking caffeine...especially not at noon!" Jay protested.

"There's this thing called decaf coffee, Jay."

"There's this thing called decaf coffee, Jay," Jay mocked. "Shut up, Will."

Will rolled his eyes. "Anyway, I have to go to the bathroom, so I'll walk up with there with you and just give you money and meet you back there." He looked at Jay. "Are you okay with that? I know you hate when she's out of our sight in super crowded place like this," he asked Jay.

"I do not do that!" Jay argued. You and Will gave him a look. "Fine. Maybe I do. I just see a lot of stuff that I never want her to be involved in. Just, make sure you give Will his change back."

"I will," you said. After all, you were in a swimsuit, not that there were pockets there for you to stash your big brother's change like you normally did and then keep it for yourself.

You and Will made your way up the beach to the entrance where he handed you a ten-dollar bill and you two split up. He went straight to go to the bathrooms and you took a slight right to go to the coffee cart.

Will had said on the walk up not to wait for him and to just go back to Jay. So, you ordered your decaf iced mocha caramel latte, took the four dollars and something cents in change, got your latte, and started to walk back to Jay.

That was, you walked until you heard it.

A catcall.

You pretended you didn't hear it, that it was directed at someone else.

But then, "Babe with the coffee." You stopped walking. "I know you heard me. C'mon, show us that pretty face of yours."

Your eyes widened as you swallowed and your lip started to tremble. You knew you should just make a run for it, but you knew that in running in the sand with your hands full, that you'd just end up face planting and getting a mouth full of sand.

"Aw, c'mon baby. I've got friends, too. You don't like me, maybe you'll like them. We'll like you either way."

You wanted to smack yourself at what came out of your mouth next. You turned around. These guys were probably 23-25 year-olds and there were three of them. They were way taller than you and you knew that they'd easily be able to overpower you. But, you said the first thing that you thought would make them back off.

"I have a boy--". You cleared your throat. "I have a boyfriend."

"I don't see no boy." He turned to one of his friends. "Do you?" The other guy shook his head.

Where the fuck is Will?

"Take my money. Just, leave me alone."

You held the money out to the man, but instead of taking it, he grabbed your wrist instead. Hard.

You dropped your coffee, the plastic cup breaking in the sand and making the cold, sweet liquid form a puddle.

"How cute, boys. She's paying us, normally we'd be paying her!"

From down on the beach, Jay was watching from afar. He saw some guys walking towards you and at first, he assumed that they might've been older siblings of some kids you knew at school or something like that.

Then, he noticed your rigid posture and stood up.

He started walking toward you.

You held your hand out and the guy grabbed your wrist.

Jay started running.

"Just, let me go and we can pretend this never happened," you said, borrowing a line you had seen in movies multiple times...not that it ever worked in those, but maybe it'd work in real life.

"No can--"

"Hey!"

Oh, thank God for Jay.

"You the boyfriend?" he asked rhetorically. "She's gotta be sixteen then. How is she?"

"For your information, I'm the brother. And, it'd be in your best interest to let go," Jay growled.

"Three on one. This should be fun." The guy shrugged.

"Listen, man. I really don't feel like doing this here. So just, let her go."

He tugged you closer to him and you yelped, your front hitting his chest.

You squeezed your eyes shut.

You felt arms wrap around you and pull you away from the random guy's chest and you screamed.

"You son of a bitch!" Jay yelled.

You opened your eyes to see that Will was the one who had run up and pulled you back, your heart still beating out of your chest.

"Jay, he's not--" Will tried, but it was no use.

Jay threw the first punch.

The guy's head flew back and he fell to the ground. The guy tried to throw a punch from there, but Jay easily dodged it. Then, he threw three more hits to his face.

Will turned his head away from the fight at the sound of shitty sirens. "Fucking hell, Jay! Security!"

He didn't stop.

"Jay!" you yelled.

Now, this caused him to stop for a second...right as security pulled up next to him.

Jay looked up.

"He threw the first punch!" the man yelled to security before Jay could even explain the situation in its entirety.

"And you harassed my sister, so I think me punching you was warranted!" Jay argued. He turned to security. "Jay Halstead, CPD detective with the Intelligence unit."

The two beach security guards shared a glance. One sighed. "Okay, to make this easier, we won't call the cops because apparently, he is one. But, both of you are banned from the beach."

"What?" the guy bellowed. "You're not even going to ask him for some identification? Unbelievable!"

"I can easily go grab my badge from my car, officer," Jay suggested.

"That won't be necessary," the security guard said. He turned to you. "Miss, did he hurt you in any way?" You held out your hand to show him your wrist, which was red and you knew you'd have bruising on it tomorrow. Then, he turned his attention back to the guy who had been harassing you and his two friends. "You, come with me. Unless one of your buddies wants to cop to being the one who did the harassing?"

The two other guys held up their hands in a sign of surrender and backed up.

"What?" the guy yelled. "I need medical attention! I probably need stitches!"

"And we can have someone do that for you, but you need to come with us." He pulled out a pair of zip ties and got them on the guy's wrist...not without him giving the security guards some difficulty, though. He turned his attention back to you and your brothers. "I take it back, Detective, you're not banned."

Jay gave him a curt nod of thanks.

"What?" the guy yelled as the security guard started walking, taking the creeper away from you and your brothers.

"Keep it moving, buddy. Keep it moving."

"Let's get outta here," Will suggested.

You and Jay agreed, and then the three of you went to grab your stuff from where it previously was at the beach.

***

You had ridden back home with Will instead of Jay since he needed some time to cool off...and call Voight to make sure that the asshole actually got some jail time or something. Basically, Jay needed Voight to make sure that the beach security was actually doing their job.

The two of you made your way into the apartment (Jay had given Will a key and Will had given Jay a key to his apartment also. You didn't bring your key because you thought you'd be riding home with Jay, but then everything popped off.). Then, Will immediately went into doctor mode.

"Go change into some clothes and then I'm gonna take a look at that wrist," he told you.

You nodded and quickly changed into a pair of comfy shorts and a t-shirt. Then, you made your way to the kitchen table where Will was waiting expectantly. You sat down a sighed.

"You okay?" Will asked as he stopped unzipping his medical bag that he always kept in his car in case of emergencies and gave you his full attention.

"That was terrifying. I just, I never would've thought that would happen."

"And it shouldn't have happened. You're fourteen; you're just a kid. It shouldn't happen to an adult, much less a kid." You nodded. "Can I see your wrist?"

You held it out to him and he gently pressed on it and began to inspect it. "You know," you started, "I thought you'd be patching up Jay. Turns out that ass- that guy's friends didn't want to get involved."

"I wouldn't either," Will agreed. "There's no way I'd want to be one the receiving end of a fistfight with Jay. And, for the record, that guy was an asshole." Then, he started talking about the subject at hand. "Well, good news is that it isn't broken...but we already knew that. Bad news is that there will be some slight bruising, so we need to ice it."

"Okay."

Will got up to get some ice from the freezer when Jay walked in...holding a bag of groceries.

"What's that?" you asked.

"Well, I figured we'd get ice cream after the beach, but since that didn't happen, I decided to pick some up." He set the bag of groceries on the table in front of you and started taking out pints of ice cream. "Superman for Will, Neopolitan for me, and cookies n creme for you."

Your eyes went wide as you saw the ice cream and quickly snatched up your pint. Jay laughed at your excitement.

"Still can't believe that Will's favorite is Superman," you mused.

"He's like a kid in an adult's body," Jay agreed.

"I heard that!" Will yelled and then came back with an ice pack and three spoons. "What can I say, I'm a sugar aficionado. Now, what movie are we watching?"

The three of you made your way over to the couch with your spoons and ice cream, you with your ice pack as well, and started to try and agree on a movie.

Sometimes, you hated that Jay was so vigilant and that Will always had to take a look at something as small as a scrape, but today, those two things definitely came in handy. And, you couldn't be more thankful.

***

Migraine (age 16)

Oh here we go again, you thought as you sat in your American history class and felt the pounding in your head coming on. You had had a slight headache this morning but had a feeling it was going to turn into something more since all of your headaches lately have been turning into migraines almost every other day for the past week. For a few weeks, you'd been having headaches and they started out not too bad, a small dose of Tylenol would fix them. You assumed they were just stress headaches from school. But, then they started making the sides of your head pound and making you sensitive to light or nauseous. And right now, you felt a really bad one coming on.

Forty-five minutes later, you had gotten out of your history class and were on your way to biology. But, you were in the midst of the worst migraine of your life. Your head was pounding, everyone seemed to be talking right in your ear, and the lights were way too bright even when you squinted.

You had to go home. You couldn't stay at school any longer.

So, you went to the office and explained this and then called Jay.

"Hello? Y/N, aren't you supposed to be in class?" he asked when he answered.

"My head hurts really bad, Jay. Please, can you come pick me up?" you asked.

"I can have someone drop off some Tylenol," he suggested.

"No," you whined. "It hurts so bad. The light hurts my head and people talking hurts my head. Please, Jay."

You were practically pleading and even though Jay knew that you had a geometry test today, he agreed.

"Okay, I'll email your math teacher about the test."

"Oh. I forgot about that." You hissed as the late bell rang, causing your head to pound even more for those few seconds.

"That bad, huh?" Jay asked, having heard the bell chime on his end of the phone.

"Uh-huh. But, I can't drive home."

"Okay, and I can't pick you because I'm meeting with a CI. You okay if Adam picks you up and brings you back to the district? Then, me and someone else can go pick up your car from school later?"

"Okay. Why can't I just go home?"

"Because, if you're feeling as crappy as you say you are, then I'd prefer that someone has eyes on you. I'll see you in a bit."

"Okay, bye Jay."

Then, you hung up, told the secretary you'd be leaving so that she could send an email to your teachers, grabbed your stuff from your locker, and came back to the office to wait for Adam.

***

Twenty minutes later, Adam walked into the office.

"Hey, kiddo. I'm gonna sign you out and then we'll get you out of here, okay?" You had balled up your sweatshirt and were using it as a pillow and had your eyes closed. But, you cracked them open and nodded. Adam knew this definitely wasn't you lying to get out of a test because usually, you'd tell him not to call you kiddo, seeing as you were sixteen.

Adm showed his ID to the secretary and then he signed you out. You stood up and your head started pounding even more due to the sudden change in posture.

"Here, I can take your bag," Adam offered and you handed him your backpack.

"Thanks," you said quietly.

Then, you made your way to Adam's Jeep and got in the backseat. Not even two minutes into the trip to the district, you knew you couldn't take the music that was playing from the radio...even though you knew it was lower than he normally played it.

"Adam?" you asked, your head now resting on your balled-up sweatshirt as you tried your best to lay down while still buckled up in the backseat.

"Yeah?"

"Can you turn off the music? It really hurts my head."

"Of course." Then, he quickly turned off the radio and the two of you rode in silence the rest of the way to the district.

Adam would be lying if he said he wasn't worried about you.

***

"Mini Halstead! What's--" Trudy Platt exclaimed when you and Adam walked into the district, but Adam quickly placed a finger to his lips as you whimpered at the loudness of her voice. "Sorry," she whispered. "You hungry?"

You shook your head. "Thanks, though."

The desk sergeant nodded. "Let me know if she needs anything," she directed to Adam.

"Will do, Sarge."

Then, the two of you made your way up the stairs and into Intelligence, not without the buzzer on the gate causing you to hiss at the pain it caused in your temples.

"Mini Halstead!" Kevin exclaimed, but Adam quickly put a finger to his lips as you whimpered at his loud voice.

Jay quickly made his way over to you. "Let's go into the break room, okay?" You nodded. Jay turned to Adam. "I can take her bag."

Jay took your backpack from Adam and then the two of you went into the break room.

"There's some Tylenol and water on the table for you," Jay said, fully expecting you to walk over and get it. But, instead, you just plopped yourself down on the couch. "Or, I can bring it to you."

He gave you the water and the two pills and you took them.

"Have you eaten anything since breakfast?" he asked.

You shook your head. "Hurts to chew."

"Okay." Jay paused for a moment. "I think I have a banana I brought with me in case I got hungry. Is that soft enough for you to chew? I want you to eat something."

"I guess," you mumbled as you laid down on the couch. "Just wanna sleep."

"I know, but I wanna get some calories in you before you do that. Can you just stay awake for like five more minutes?" You nodded. "Okay, I'll be right back."

Jay came back two minutes later with a banana and a blanket.

"Where'd you get the blanket?" you asked.

"I keep it in my truck for late-night stakeouts. Here." He handed you the banana and then set the blanket next to you. "I don't have a pillow, so your sweatshirt will have to do. You all set?"

"Yeah, gonna eat this and take a nap."

"Okay, I'll make sure Voight doesn't yell too much. This door's pretty much soundproof though, so you should be fine. Come get me if you need anything."

"Okay."

Then, you ate the banana, folded up your hoodie and put it under your head, and pulled the blanket over you, quickly falling asleep.

***

You woke up two hours later feeling too warm. Your migraine had subsided into just a headache...but you knew in a couple of hours, the migraine would probably be back after the Tylenol had worn off. And, it was still a decently bad headache, just without the light hurting your eyes as much.

But then, you had an idea.

Sometimes at home when you had headaches, you'd lay your head on the tiled floor of the bathroom because it was cold. Cold surfaces always seemed to help.

So, you looked out into the bullpen to see if anyone was there.

No one.

You picked up your phone to see a text from Jay saying that they had gone on a raid and would be back soon and that if you needed anything, to let Trudy know. He also said that he had let Will know what was going on and that he'd be at the apartment later tonight to check up on you.

You wrapped the blanket around you and then made your way out of the bullpen and into an empty interrogation room.

You sat down in the cold metal chair and held your blanket tighter around your body. Then, you laid your head on the cold metal table and relished the feeling of coolness on your head.

Yeah, this will help.

***

"I didn't do it! I swear!" a drug dealer that Trudy was holding by the arm defended himself while Trudy led him to an interrogation room.

"Not that I don't believe you," she started, "but I've heard that one before."

She walked into the interrogation room and her eyes went wide when she saw you lying with your head on the table, asleep.

"What's a kid doing in here? I don't know her!"

"Shut up," Trudy told him. "Come on."

Then, she pulled him towards the next interrogation room.

"Some officers will be in here soon to have a chat with you. Feel free to make yourself comfortable."

Then, Trudy left the room and closed the door, and made her way into the interrogation room where you were currently sleeping.

She knelt down beside you. "Y/N," she whispered. You didn't stir. She placed a hand on your shoulder. "Kid, wake up."

"Hmmm, no," you said, not even lifting your head up. "Wanna go home. Cold feels good on my head."

Then, Trudy heard the buzzer to Intelligence go off. "I'll be back," she told you.

"Uh-huh," you said, closing your eyes once again.

Trudy walked into Intelligence and immediately set her sights on Jay.

"Halstead," she barked.

Jay quickly turned his head. "What can I do for you, Sarge?"

"You can explain to me why that sister of yours is currently taking a nap in one of my interrogation rooms because she says the cold feels good on her head and then get her out of there," she told him.

"What?" he asked, more confused than ever.

"Y/N's napping at the table in an interrogation room. I need you to get her out of there. I almost put a dealer in there."

"Why's she in there?"

"Like I just told you: she said the cold feels good on her head. But I need you to get her out of there. Now."

"Copy you, Sarge."

"Good choice, Chuckles, good choice."

Then, Jay made his way to the interrogation room that Trudy told him that you were in.

He squatted down next to you. "Y/N," he whispered.

"Feels good. Leave," you mumbled.

"You know I can't let you stay in here. We gotta get you back out into the break room. It's not safe for you in here."

"Don't care."

Jay huffed. "I know you don't, but I do."

You opened your eyes to see that Jay had turned the lights on all the way...compared to how dim you had them before.

Fuck, it had been a few hours since you had taken the Tylenol and it was wearing off.

You closed your eyes again.

"Y/N," Jay warned.

"Light hurts."

Jay sighed. "Okay, I'll dim the lights and I'll be right back."

Jay dimmed the lights and walked out of the interrogation room and into the bullpen once more.

"Why's she not out yet?" Voight asked.

Jay rummaged around in his desk while he answered. "She said the light hurts her eyes, so I'm giving her these to wear." He held up a pair of sunglasses.

"Huh." Voight paused. "Take her home, Jay. You're done for the day. I don't expect to see you back here until Monday."

"Sarge, all due respect, but it's Wednesday and we're in the middle of a case."

"We'll be fine for one half-finished case without you, Jay. Y/N's family. Take care of her. Just think of it as of tomorrow, you get to have a four-day weekend."

"Can I get one of those four-day weekends?" Adam asked.

"No," Voight answered without skipping a beat. "Go take care of your sister, Halstead."

Jay nodded and then grabbed your backpack from the break room and then returned to his desk for his keys and jacket and then went back to the interrogation room.

"Y/N, we're gonna go home now," he whispered when he walked into the room.

"Yay," you said in a monotone voice and slowly lifted your head up and then rubbed your hands down your face.

"Put these on. They should help with the light."

You took the sunglasses from him and put them on. Then, you two slowly walked out of the room and outside of the district to his truck.

***

"So she's sensitive to light and sound?" Will asked Jay over the phone once Will had gotten off shift and realized his brother had called him concerning your headache.

"Yeah, pretty sure it's a migraine," Jay confirmed.

"She mention anything about nausea?"

"When we were driving home she did."

"Could also be that she started getting motion sick if it only happened in the car. I'll stop over and take a look. She eaten anything?"

"Just breakfast and a banana."

"Jesus, man. It's past five o'clock. She needs more than that!"

"I know, but she said it hurts to chew, so I didn't want to force her."

"Okay, I get it then. I'll pick up some food on my way. I'll get Panera Bread so I can get her some soup. Text me what you want."

"Okay, thanks, man. And Y/N likes--"

"--the cheese broccoli soup. I know, Jay, I know."

"Just checking."

Then, Jay hung up and started to look at the menu and then texted Will what he wanted. Now he just had to wait for Will to come over and hopefully fix you. Because Jay would be lying if he said he wasn't worried about you.

***

"Thanks for coming, man," Jay said as he opened the door. "God, she's making me really worried."

"Whoa, it must be bad if you're admitting you're worried," Will joked and then set the bag of food on the counter.

"Dude, she was napping in an interrogation room because she said the table was cold and it felt good on her head! Damn right I'm worried!"

"Okay, just...get the food out and I'll go check her out. Hopefully, I can figure out what's making her get all these headaches. She mention headaches before now?"

"Yeah, for about the past week, week and a half. But, they've never been this bad. And, if they were, she hasn't told me."

"Okay, thanks. I'll see if she'll tell me more. She's gonna be okay."

Jay nodded and then Will made his way to your bedroom.

He opened the door to see that you were sound asleep with your blinds closed all the way. You had your fan on and had earplugs in, so he assumed that just wanted the fan on for the cool air and not the noise...and the noise was the reason you usually wanted it on.

Gently, Will touched your shoulder.

"Go away, Jay," you mumbled and rolled over to face the wall.

"It's not Jay, it's--" Will sighed when he realized you wouldn't be able to hear him because of the earplugs you had in. So, he settled on shaking your shoulder until you opened your eyes and realized it was him and not Jay.

You took out the earplugs.

"Can you fix it?" you asked. Then, you whimpered. "It hurts so bad."

Your lip started to tremble. You didn't want to cry because you knew it would make your migraine worse, but you couldn't stop the tears; you were so sick of these damn headaches and this migraine.

"When did they start?" Will asked and turned off the fan.

"Three weeks ago," you answered.

"Jay said only a week and a half."

"I didn't tell him. I thought they were from school stress, but they won't go away. Make it stop! Please! I can't- I can't even think straight anymore, Will."

You put your head in your hands and rubbed your temples.

"Have you been eating a lot of different foods? Getting too little sleep? Drinking too much caffeine? Weird periods?"

"No, none of that." You wanted to tell him that it was weird having him ask you about your period, but your head hurt so bad that you refrained.

"Okay, well, I think Jay's got the food ready, so do you think you can manage some cheese broccoli soup from Panera?"

You shrugged. "Maybe a little."

"That's good enough for me. C'mon."

You grabbed a pair of sunglasses from your bedside table next to you and then followed Will out into the hallway and then put the sunglasses on.

"How you doing?" Jay asked as he finished pouring everyone water.

You shrugged. "Still hurts."

"I'm sorry, but the bottle says you can't have anymore Tylenol yet."

You nodded and sat down and slowly started to eat your soup, sunglasses still on.

You started to eat and then realized your soup was kind of cold. You stood up.

"Soup cold?" Jay asked.

You nodded and put it in the microwave.

Then, something clicked in Will's head.

Cold.

Temperature.

"Barometric pressure," Will muttered. Then he looked up, a smile starting to spread across his face. "Barometric pressure," he repeated, this time louder.

"Bara-what-now?" Jay asked.

"It's essentially the air pressure when the weather changes," he explained. "Remember when Y/N was in elementary school and would have really bad allergies in the fall?"

"Yeah," Jay said. "What's this got to do with migraines?"

"Migraines start around adolescence and since she had allergies in the fall before, I'm fairly certain that this is why she's getting them."

"You know why?" you asked as you sat back down, your soup now warm. "Can you make them stop?"

"I think I do. But, we'd have to get you checked out tomorrow."

"Okay. Thank you. Get me an appointment."

A few days later, after lots of naps, soup, and tv when your headache/migraine decided to subside, you were put on corticosteroids for what were called "cluster headaches" in the medical field. You're only supposed to be on them for about two weeks and then you'd have to be reassessed. But, for now, your migraines had subsided and you could finally, finally think clearly.

***

Sorry About your Truck (age 18)

You didn't know what was happening. One second you were driving on the circle of the on-ramp to the highway, and the next, you fishtailed to the right. You spun your wheel to the left, maybe slammed on the brakes (which you knew you weren't supposed to do), and then slid to the right again. It all happened so fast that you didn't even know how it happened.

But, you knew how you got in this position.

"Fuck," you muttered as you put your hand up to the vent in your car the day before you left for school. Even though it was set to defrost, you still should've been able to feel some heat coming out. But you felt nothing. Well, nothing but cold air.

You trudged back inside to see Jay putting on his jacket.

"I think my heat in my car's broken," you said.

Jay looked at you and raised his eyebrows. "You probably just didn't turn it on."

"Yes, I did. And I double-checked. Come see."

So, Jay walked out to your car. And sure enough, your heat was broken.

"I'll drop you off at school and then we'll bring the car to the shop tonight. C'mon," Jay told you.

"I have to work tomorrow until 11," you said. "How am I supposed to go to work?"

Jay sighed. "I'll figure it out."

Because, he knew for a fact he couldn't let you drive without heat...not in these Chicago winters.

***

"Jay, man, you gotta go to sleep," Will told his younger brother.

"Dude, it's getting icy out!" Jay argued over the phone. "I'm staying awake until she gets home!"

Will sighed. "Fine. I know there's no changing your mind."

"Thank you. Now, I'm gonna see if I can find a hockey game happening on the west coast and watch that. I'll text you when she gets home."

"I don't need you to do that, but if it makes you feel better, feel free. God, you need to make your cop instincts chill for once."

***

You screamed. You didn't know what to do. One second you swerved to the left and then you swerved to the right. You tried to correct yourself again and get back on the road, but it wasn't working...not like it worked last time when you tried to go back the opposite way anyway. But, now, oh now you were more terrified than before...if that was even possible.

You felt hot tears sting your eyes as you heard the sounds of metal ripping through metal. Then, you felt yourself tumbling. You didn't know if you were screaming at this point, but you felt your knee jam into the dashboard and the next thing you knew, you were upside down with only your seatbelt keeping you in place and the broken glass from the windows had left a smattering of cuts along your body, with the deepest one being on your forehead.

You kept flailing your arms, trying to do something, anything to get you out. And then you heard the sound of sirens and the snow around you started turning blue.

Great...you had found the button to turn on Jay's sirens. Just great.

"Help!" you yelled.

You hoped that someone would call 911....but according to these sirens, you were 911.

***

"Squad 3, Ambulance 61, Truck 81, Engine 51, Battalion 25. Single vehicle car accident. Person trapped."

"Single vehicle?" Casey asked. "Why do they need all of us?"

"Beats me," Severide said. "But we're about to find out."

***

"A cop car?" Kelly asked as he furrowed his eyebrows on the way to the scene.

"Guess so, Lieutenant," Cruz said. "Looks like an undercover car to me, too."

As they got closer, Kelly noticed something. He knew that truck.

"Casey," he said into his radio, "that look like Jay Halstead's truck to you?"

Casey tilted his head. "You know, it actually does. Dispatch," he started, "this is Truck 81 to Main, can you get in contact with the 21st District and see if Jay Halstead is on duty tonight and then get back to us?"

"Copy that Truck 81."

They all pulled up to the scene and Boden started directing everyone.

"Squad, we need to get that victim out. Truck, help Squad with figuring out how to get the victim out. Chances are we'll have to cut the car and need all hands on deck. Engine, I need you on standby in case there's a gas leak and a fire starts. Sixty-One, do all you can."

They all said their "copy that's" in some form or another and then Casey, Stella, and all of Squad 3 went over to look at the truck.

"Help!" you yelled. "Somebody help me, please!" At this point, the blood from your forehead was dripping all over the roof of the truck. At least, since you were upside down, the blood wasn't going into your eyes. But, tears were rolling down your cheeks. You were terrified and your knee was in so much pain from being crushed up against the dash and your head was starting to burn where you had been cut by the glass.

"Main to Truck 81, Jay Halstead is not on duty tonight according to the 21st."

"It's not Halstead!" Casey yelled. "He's not on duty!"

They all raced up to the truck.

"I'm gonna climb up to the window and see how the victim's doing. I'll tell you what we need from there," Kelly said.

Then, with the help of Cruz and Capp, he got on top of the rolled-over vehicle.

"Help! Please help me!" you yelled.

"We're gonna get you out, don't worry!" Kelly yelled once he was close enough that he knew you'd be able to hear him.

You knew that voice.

Kelly looked down into the truck to see you straining your neck to look out the broken window and up to him.

"Don't move!" he ordered. He had no idea whether or not you had sustained injuries to your spinal cord.

"O- Okay," you whimpered. "I'm scared, Kelly."

"I know, I know. But we're gonna get you out of here. It'll all be okay." He turned his head so that it was back facing Squad, Casey, and Stella. "Casey!" he yelled. "I need you to tell Boden to get in touch with one of the Halsteads! It's Y/N!"

***

"Hello?" Jay asked sleepily into his phone. He had finally taken Will's advice and had tried to go to sleep...with a Vegas Golden Knights vs. Colorado Avalanche game playing in the background since that was the NHL game that was happening on the west coast right now.

"Halstead, it's Wallace Boden. Are you aware that your sister was driving your truck?"

At this, Jay sat up straight, sleep be damned. "She was. Why? What happened? Is she okay?"

He stood up and started pacing the room.

"Jay, I'm going to tell you the location and I need you to call Will and you both need to get here ASAP."

"Chief, all due respect, but you need to tell me what's going on."

"Y/N's been in a car accident. It's a roll-over crash. She's currently stuck in the car but conscious."

Everything Jay learned about bad news from your mom and dad passing, to his time in the military, to him being a cop flew out the window in that very moment.

"She's been in a crash? Can they get her out? Tell me they're gonna get her out, Chief! They have to!"

"Jay, my men are doing everything they can. But right now, you need to call your brother and you need to get to this location as fast as possible."

"Okay, yeah, yeah. I can do that."

Then, Jay quickly hung up.

After calling Will four times in a row, he finally picked up.

"Dude, I'm about to be in surgery, what's--"

"Y/N's been in a car accident. We need to go there now."

Will almost dropped his phone.

"What? How? When?"

"I don't know, all I know is that Boden called me and told me to get to the scene ASAP. I'll pick you up on the way."

Then, without waiting for Will's response, Jay hung up the phone and dialed a number he never thought he'd be calling off duty: his new partner, Hailey Upton.

"Hailey, it's Jay. I need a favor."

***

"Capp!" Kelly yelled. "We need to cut through the seat to get it off from the floor because that's currently the ceiling! Squad and 81, we need to cut the back of the truck so we can get her out of here! 51, figure out how to kill these sirens! And, Brett, I need you to come up here and take a look so you can tell me the best way to get her out of here!"

Sylvie Brett started sprinting over to the truck with her jump bag and then Casey and Cruz helped her onto the truck and Kelly gave her his hand to make sure she got all the way up there safely.

"Y/N, I'm Sylvie. Do you remember me?" she asked calmly.

"Uh-huh," you answered, trying your best not to move your head like had Kelly told you.

"I bet your leg hurts really bad, huh?"

"Not, not really," you answered.

Sylvie and Kelly shared a look. They knew what this was: you were going into shock.

"Hand me that flashlight," Sylvie said to Kelly. He handed it to her. "Yeah, she's tensing her leg muscles, which is probably why she can't feel it. She's still having an adrenaline rush since she seems to unconsciously tensing them. We'll still give her pain meds as soon as we can because when the pain wears off, it's gonna hurt.

"For now, I need to get a C-collar on her and when she gets out, I need her on a backboard and I need that leg in a splint. Try your best not to do any sudden movements that can hurt her leg even more than it already is. By the looks of it, I'm assuming she shattered her knee cap."

"Got the bolt cutters, Severide!" Capp yelled.

"Got the saw, too!" Casey yelled. "I think we should start by cutting the end of the truck, sound good?"

"Yeah, that works!" He took off his turnout coat and handed it to Brett. "Get in there, get a C-collar on her, and cover her with this while we cut the end of the truck. Close your eyes and cover your head with your jacket. Yell to me when you're ready."

"Why aren't you going in there?" Sylvie asked as she positioned herself to jump through the window and down into the truck.

"I don't think I could fit through that window."

"You never know," Sylvie said and then slipped down and into the truck.

"They're gonna cut it?" you asked frantically. "But what if they hurt me?"

"Y/N, it's okay. They won't hurt you. They're professionals. They've done this hundreds of times. But, I need you to stay calm for me. I'm gonna put this C-collar around your neck and cover you with this coat so that debris doesn't get in your eyes." She didn't mention the cut on your forehead and at the moment, she hoped you weren't feeling it.

Sylvie got the C-collar around your neck to stabilize it and then she put the turnout coat over you and pulled hers over her head. "Ready!" she yelled to Kelly.

You started hearing the sound of metal being cut. You could feel your heart pounding out of your chest, but at the same time, you couldn't feel anything at all.

***

"There it is!" Jay pointed from the passenger seat of Hailey's car. The hospital had been on their way to the scene, so they grabbed Will on the way. Jay was thankful because he knew that the hospital would be close if you needed to go there.

Will was practically standing up in the backseat so that he could jump out of the car as quickly as possible. He needed to make sure you were okay.

Hailey had barely put the car in park when both Halsteads jumped out.

"Chief!" Jay yelled. "Where is she?"

"She's still in the car. They're trying--"

"They're trying?" Jay yelled angrily, cutting Chief Boden off. "If she's not out yet and it's been this long then they sure as hell aren't trying! I swear to God if--"

"Jay!" Will yelled and stepped in front of him and gave him a shove to push him away from Boden. "You need to calm down!"

"Calm down? Don't tell me to fucking calm down! Our sister's in a roll-over crash and you're telling me to calm down?"

"I understand you're upset," Boden started, "but you two shouldn't even be here right now. And, if you don't want to be pushed back behind the yellow tape, I suggest you calm down."

Jay glared at Boden but kept his mouth shut.

Jay started walking away and then locked eyes with Stella. He picked up his pace. Will tried to pull him back because he had a feeling he knew what he was going to do, but he was too late.

"Stella!" he yelled. "What's happening? You gotta tell me what's going on in there. Please."

Stella sighed. She knew she shouldn't be doing this. But, she knew if it was anyone in her family, hell if it was Kelly or anyone else in Firehouse 51, she'd want to know what was going on, too.

"She's upside down, hanging from her seat. Her knee's jammed up against the dash. She's still conscious, but they have to get her out."

There was a loud creaking sound that caused everyone to turn their attention back to the scene.

They had sawed through the back half of the truck and were now going in.

"Casey, Kelly," Stella said into her radio, "can I get an update on the situation? Jay and Will are here and they just want to know."

"We just gotta get the chair down, Kidd," Casey's voice came from her radio. "She's still conscious. She's scared, but she should get out fine."

Jay looked up at the sky while Will sighed in relief.

You'd be getting out of there just fine.

***

The next few hours were a blur of you getting out of the truck and being taken by ambulance to Chicago Med (Will rode with you because of Jay's fear of needles), and you being in knee surgery.

Jay and Will had to wait outside while you were in surgery. And they were beside themselves.

"God, I shouldn't have let her take my truck," Jay vented as he was pacing the waiting area with his hands on his head.

"You couldn't have known it was gonna snow like this. It wasn't supposed to snow like this," Will comforted.

"How do you do it?" Jay asked.

Will furrowed his eyebrows. "Do what?"

"Stay so calm? Like, when we were at the scene, you were so calm when I was absolutely losing it."

"I don't know, I really don't. Maybe I realized that being pissed wasn't going to help anyone. But, when I heard Stella and Casey tell us what was going on, I knew she was going to be okay. There were no injuries to the abdomen, chest, or head--well, except for that laceration on her forehead--and she was conscious. I just knew."

"So you're telling me, you thought logically with medical knowledge?" Jay asked. He had absolutely no idea such a sophisticated sentence would ever make its way out of his mouth, but hey, there was a time and place for everything.

"That and I knew you'd be pissed, so I knew I'd have to at least be calm enough to calm you down...or hold you back."

"There it is."

***

You woke up an hour later. You blinked, trying to remember what happened, and then it all came rushing back. The fishtailing...the screaming...Kelly talking to you...the sound of metal being cut...

You took a deep breath.

This alerted your brothers that you were awake.

"Hey, how was being under?" Will asked jokingly. You had always asked what it felt like to be under anesthesia and Will said he couldn't really explain it; he said you'd just have to find out some time.

"It was a nice nap," you answered.

Will laughed. "I bet it was. Feeling better?"

"Tired," you yawned.

"Well, it is just past four in the morning, so that makes sense."

You looked at Jay. "I'm sorry about your truck. I was just going down the exit ramp and it happened so fast and--"

"Hey, hey," Jay said quickly and stood up. "It's okay. It's just a truck, it's replaceable; you, kiddo, are not."

Will smiled. "Borrowing a line from Mom's book when we both inevitably got in our first car accidents, I see."

Your finger started to move toward the stitches on your forehead.

"No, no, no," Will said quickly. "Don't touch them!"

You kept running your finger over them. "But they feel funny."

"That's because you haven't gotten them before. They'll feel even funnier if you pop one and me or someone else has to redo them."

Your stomach grumbled.

"Okay, what do you want to eat?" Will asked. He handed you a cup of water, too because he figured that if you were hungry, that you'd be thirsty as well.

You took a few sips and then answered. "Olive Garden."

Jay laughed. "Olive Garden isn't open at four am."

You pursed your lips to the side, thinking about what you wanted. "Pizza."

"I'll go have someone grab you some," Will said.

"Maybe send Adam because he can just call the cafeteria lady darlin' and then just like that,--" Jay snapped his fingers---, "she'll get an extra piece for free," Jay suggested.

"Adam's here?" you asked.

"Everyone's here," Jay answered. "They all wanted to make sure that you were okay...and the 21st also got called to see if I was on duty since it was my truck."

"If it makes you guys feel any better, I don't think I'll be driving for a while."

"That's okay. Voight gave me a few weeks off to look after you while you're recovering and I think Goodwin's letting Will cut down his hours."

"What he means Y/N, is that you'll be stuck with us telling you not to try to walk for a few weeks," Will said.

"Uh," you groaned.

Will and Jay both laughed. "I'm gonna go see if Adam can get you that pizza," Will said. He was almost out the door when he added, "you better not touch your stitches while I'm gone."

The next few weeks was a blur of doing all your schoolwork at home--and a lot of times, from the couch--, Jay and Will scolding you if you so much as tried to bend your leg, lots of movies and tv shows (and Jay and Will always let you pick because you couldn't really do much while you were laid up at home), and convincing Jay to buy you lots of Oreos and cheddar popcorn. And if he didn't...well, you'd just text Will (luckily you had insurance on your phone and could get a new one without paying a lot after the crash) and he'd bring you your Oreos and cheddar popcorn. After the first two weeks, Jay just had to live with the fact that he was outnumbered when it came to you and your favorite snacks.

***

Rough Shift (age 21)

Trigger warning for mentions of suicidal ideation!

You sat at Molly's finishing up your second pomegranate martini...and it was only 6 pm. You waved Stella over to have her make you another one.

"Y/N, I know you drove here. I can't in good conscience give you another drink. Hell, I didn't even want to give you the last one! But, I can get you a pop if you want? Or lemonade?"

"Stella," you whined. "I just want another drink. It's been a really rough day at work. Please, just make me another one."

"You know I can't do that. What happened at work? Maybe it'll help to talk about it. We've all had rough shifts before and talking about it or crying it out usually helps."

"I can't really cry it out right in the middle of a bar." You took a shaky breath. "Even though, I really wish I could." Tears started to sting your eyes. You couldn't cry. Not here. "I think I'm gonna go have that cry." You set some money on the bar. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it. And hey, if you ever need someone to talk to, Y/N, I'm your girl."

"Thanks, Stella."

Then, you left Molly's. But, you didn't go straight home. You decided to go to the store instead. And all you bought there was a bottle of peach Moscato.

Time to get buzzed enough to forget for the time being.

***

When you got home, you popped some food in the microwave since you hadn't eaten since basically breakfast save for some beef jerky and an apple, and unscrewed the cap to the wine you had just bought. Normally, you wouldn't buy a ton of alcohol for yourself because you'd just take Jay or Hailey's drinks if she brought any over (yes, you still lived with Jay because college is ridiculously expensive and you were trying to get out of school with as little debt as possible...if any), but those two were on a camping trip on Lake Michigan for the weekend. You were supposed to go, but then you had to work. So, Will ended up going instead. He said maybe he'd meet a girl up there and you just laughed.

You took a few sips of your wine and then realized that maybe you should call your brothers. You knew this wasn't healthy and you felt like everything was coming down on you at once: the stories you heard at work, being in the hospital, currently just being physically and emotionally exhausted and hungry.

So, you dialed Jay's number.

"Hey, Y/N, what's up?" he asked. He put the phone on speaker so he could finish adding wood to the campfire he was building for him, Hailey, and Will to roast hot dogs over.

"It's just, it's been a really bad day," you said, your voice cracking.

Will was near him and he looked at Jay worriedly.

"Why's that?" Jay asked.

"I- I had to go the hospital with a girl because she- because she said she was going to kill herself." Tears were currently rolling down your cheeks. You had kept it together all day and now you were crumbling.

Working in a group home you knew things like this were bound to happen, but you didn't know they'd happen in your first two months there. And, to make matters worse, you got the email when you were driving into work, so you really had no idea what was going on. When you got to work, you were told you had to go to Lakeshore Memorial Hospital because a girl was saying she was going to kill herself the night before. And, you didn't have the staff to get her back inside safely, so, as is protocol, the shift lead the shift before yours had to call emergency services to take her to the hospital. You didn't know about any of this until you got to work when you were debriefed and then told you'd have to go to the hospital.

God, you knew this happened but nothing prepared you for sitting in that dark room with her all shift, the monitors beeping, telling you that she was still alive. You had done some homework and you had talked with her, gotten more information about why she did it. You had read her file, but she really seemed to open up to you and told you more. And, what broke your heart the most was that, since she was in a group home, she had no family. So, you did your best to sit with her the entire shift, only leaving to go to the bathroom, get some water, or make a phone call to your shift lead. Because, even if you were doing homework and she was sleeping or just sitting in silence, you knew it helped to have someone there with you. And, you knew if it was you in that position, you'd want someone to be there with you.

"Are you okay?" Jay asked, breaking you out of your thoughts.

"No," you admitted. "I don't want to be alone."

Jay sighed. There was nothing he could really do for you at this point. "Y/N--"

"I'll grab my stuff and I'll be there in an hour and half, Y/N," Will interjected.

"Are you sure? I don't want you to leave. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want you wasting your weekend off--"

"Y/N," Will began, "it's fine. I'll see you soon."

***

Will walked inside carrying a bag of McDonald's.

He walked into the living room to see you sipping wine out of the bottle. You weren't even halfway through it yet. You were just a little buzzed because you had drank the martinis a couple of hours ago. So, now you needed to get more buzzed to forget about your horrible shift. Normally you never did this: drink to forget. But today, well today, you deemed it warranted.

"Y/N, at least pour it in a glass," Will sighed and then sat down next to you and set the bag of food on the coffee table in front of you.

"Why's it matter? I'm the only one who drinks Moscato; you and Jay say it's too sweet."

"Yeah, but I don't want you to drink too much."

"But I just wanna forget what happened, Will," you said as you turned to face him. You started to cry. "She's just a kid. She shouldn't be going through this. Hell, she shouldn't have gone through what happened to her in her past! She didn't deserve it!"

Will wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a hug while you cried. He knew because of confidentiality reasons that you couldn't tell him any more than you had just told him and what you mentioned on the phone.

"I know, I know," he soothed.

"I know she didn't- she didn't die," you cried. "But, God, it feels like I got my first death."

"And, crying about it is nothing to be ashamed of," Will said. "When I had my first patient death, I went home and did exactly what you did: cried and drank until I couldn't think straight, much less think about what happened at work."

You pulled away. You didn't think Will ever cried over something that happened at work. "You did?"

"Hand to God, I did."

"How do you cope with this stuff all the time?"

"You do the best you can with the knowledge you have. You talk to somebody about how you're feeling and you don't drown yourself in drinking, drugs, or sex." He moved your bottle of wine. "You cope in healthy ways. And, sooner or later, you realize that you can't save everybody. And, that you can't change the past.

"You can't change what happened in this girl's past to make her end up in a group home or have these intrusive thoughts, but you can help change her future by being there for her and listening to her, and helping her get to a better place."

"That's what I want to do."

"Good, then you're in the right place to do that. You just have to focus on your wins and not your losses."

You pulled away and wiped your hands across your face to get rid of the tears. "Thank you for coming home. I, uh, I really needed that."

Will nodded. "You're welcome. I wished someone would've told me that earlier in medical school and I didn't want you to feel like I felt."

"Is that why you decided to come home and not Jay?"

"Part of the reason."

You raised an eyebrow. "And the other part?"

"I figured Jay and Hailey could use a night all to themselves."

"Gross!" You faked gagged and Will laughed.

"I don't know if you'll be able to eat now that I mentioned that, but how about we try and we can watch a funny movie?"

"I like that idea."

And, even though you really wanted to get buzzed to forget about the day you had, you knew it was better for you to talk about it with Will and eat takeout and watch a movie with him. And, you were pretty sure you felt better after that than you would if you drank an entire bottle of wine by yourself.

A/N: Thank you guys so much for reading! Sorry this one took so long, but I'm in school and working, so updates won't be as frequent as they were in the summer. And finally, please remember to like/reblog and comment! I love reading your comments! As always, if you want to be added to my taglist, just tell me and I’ll add you!

taglist: @theambracer88 @virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e @i-like-sparkly-things @herecomesthewriterwitch @liampayne88

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missymurphy1985 · 3 years ago

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The Writer (Tommy Shelby X Fem.Reader) - Part One

Warning - SMUT (eventually)

Request? Yes

Taglist @queenshelby @margoo0 @being-worthy @peakyscillian @peakyciills @janelongxox @elenavampire21 @noctvrnalmoth @ysmmsy @cloudofdisney @lauren-raines-x @namelesslosers @misscarolineshelby @screemqueen @cilleveryone @peaky-cillian @misselsbells06 @heidimoreton

You looked in the mirror, straightening out your dress and taking a deep breath. Your boss David, who also happened to be your older brother, had arranged a meeting with you in the offices of the Birmingham Herald at 6pm sharp.

On the way there, you couldn't help but marvel at how you'd ended up here. Your husband had died two years after returning from war having suffered severe injuries, and after you'd taken on his job at the Herald while he was away fighting, falling ill on his return and subsequently dying, your brother, the editor, had kept you on so you weren't destitute. It was against all the principles of the time, a woman working, but your brother never once allowed the other men at the newspaper to talk down to you. You were the best storyteller and strongest journalist they had on the books and he would always have your back. The other men had grown to look at you as a sister almost - you were blessed to be in the position you were in.

Arriving at the Herald, you made your way to David's office.

"Y/n, I'm sorry to call you in this evening..." He smiled, embracing you and offering you a whiskey which you gladly accepted.

"I never have evening plans David, you know that. What was so important it couldn't wait til morning?"

"We've had an incredible offer and I want you to be the one to report it. The story is made for you."

"What is it?"

"Thomas Shelby has agreed to an article on his life to date!"

"Thomas Shelby? As in the Peaky Blinders?! Not a fucking chance David..." You recoiled in horror. You knew the man's history very well, you'd gone to school with his younger brother John and the stories of the Peaky Blinders were infamous. You hated the man - the thought of interviewing him mad your stomach turn.

"This story could launch your career into the big time Y/n! Think about it! The most secretive, elusive man in the country wants to tell his story to you!"

"To the Herald."

"No, y/n, to YOU. He asked for you. By name."

"How the hell does he know my name?" You'd written your articles under a male pen name so as not to distract readers from the content. Not all men were as modern as your brother and coworkers.

"No idea, but he specifically asked for you."

You mind turned - no one knew you worked at the Herald. You'd kept yourself to yourself, even moving out of Small Heath after your husband passed away. You'd lost touch with John just before he went off to war. There was no connection to the Shelby family at all.

"The reason I dragged you in at 6pm is because he wants to make a start today. This evening actually, there's a car picking you up in 30 minutes."

"David!! I can't do this interview for goodness sake, I'm not even close to prepared!"

"You have 30 minutes! Pull your finger out!" He laughed.

You'd crammed as much as possible in that 30 minutes as you could - your mind was whirring at 70miles per hour when the silver Bentley pulled up outside. Glaring at David, who simply smirked in response, you got in the car as the driver greeted you.

"Arrow House ma'am, won't take long to get there," the driver smiled as you asked him where he was taking you. Arrow House? His home? Why would the most secretive man in Birmingham want to meet you in his sanctuary?

************************************************************

Pulling up outside the huge mansion, you couldn't help but be impressed. The gardens were immaculate.

A middle aged lady greeted you at the front door and offered to take your coat. You smiled and handed it over, as she led you through to the dining room. You took the seat she offered.

"Would you like some tea Ms. Y/L/N?" You nodded, and she signalled one of the younger maids to action.

"Mr Shelby will be with you in a moment, please make yourself comfortable," the lady smiled warmly and headed out the door with your coat. You looked around the room. A large painting on one wall of the man himself with a large horse. There was a smaller picture on a cabinet just underneath that caught your eye. A beautiful blond woman, with piercing eyes and a loving smile, holding a small boy in her arms. You didn't know Thomas was married, let alone had a son. The house didn't seem to have much of a feminine feel to it though, it was borderline drab in its decor.

"My wife, Grace. And my son Charles." A voice behind you startled you, and you turned to see Thomas himself walking towards you, a glass of whiskey in one hand, a cigarette in the other.

"She's beautiful, Mr Shelby. And your son is adorable," you smiled, but he didn't return it.

"She certainly was." Your eyes grew wide as the realisation of what he'd said sunk in.

"Oh I'm sorry -"

"No need. It was a long time ago. Shall we get this over with Ms Y/L/N?" You nodded and he led you out of the dining room into a smaller one - clearly an office. The large oak desk sprawled out in front of the bay window. You took your seat opposite his at the desk and pulled out your pen and pad as he poured himself another whiskey. You shook your head when he offered you one, drinking the tea the young maid have brought in to you instead.

Your questions for him were simple at first. You asked about his childhood in Small Heath. His schooling. His childhood friends. Pretty much all one word answers, driving you insane, until you asked about his brothers.

"You knew John, didn't you?" He asked.

"Yes. Same year at school."

"Sadly, he's no longer with us. Shot by the Italians last year." You heart dropped - you heard through the grapevine that John had children and a wife and the news hit you like a freight train. You took a breath and a moment to compose yourself.

"I'm so sorry Mr Shelby..."

"I'm sorry too, I didn't realise you were so close?"

"We were close before the war. Lost touch after that."

"I don't remember seeing you with him?"

"My father wouldn't let me see him, so we had to be careful.."

"You and John were..."

"No no.. god no! Just friends Mr Shelby." He went quiet again, and sipped his whiskey.

Back to the questions. Mundane as they were, you needed them to get the full story. He wasn't forthcoming with the details. You had to really press him, but he spent most of his time drinking his whiskey and looking out of the window at the dark clouds rolling in outside.

"Listen, Mr Shelby, you clearly don't want this any more than I do so please, if you don't mind, I'd like to end the interview here." Your voice was stern, patience had officially gone out of the window he was so fixated with.

"Jack said you were feisty." You froze at mention of your late husband's name.

"How did you know Jack?"

"We served together in France. Good man."

"Is that how you knew my name?" He didn't answer, just nodded, again watching the weather changing quickly outside.

"Storm looks bad."

"If I leave now I should be fine." The first rumble of thunder made you jump, Tommy noticed your fear instantly.

"Scared of storms?"

"They used to scare Jack.." a second rumble had you grasping onto the chair.

"Stay until it passes." Was that a request or an order.. you weren't sure but he took your hand gently and led you into the hallway away from the window, into the main dining room again.

"Frances, have the curtains closed please." He spoke to the older woman who greeted you at the door and she dutifully obliged, closing the curtains in the large windows.

Tommy sat you at the table and gave you his glass of whiskey, your shaky hands accepting it this time. Every thunderstorm brought flashbacks of Jack's terror filled eyes.. his anguished cries of pain.. and ultimately the sound of the gun he placed at his temple before he took his own life. You took a sip of the warm liquid as Tommy sat beside you, a fresh glass of his own in his hand.

"Jack saved my life."

"He did?"

"Yes. We were underground digging.. we could hear the Germans on the other side of the dirt digging towards us... They broke through first and grabbed me. Jack beat them to death with his hammer to get them off me." Tommy's memory made you smile, and you laughed gently.

"He was always brave.. and strong. Put everyone else first. He never told me.."

"He never wanted praise, it was just part of his job. In return.. I said if anything happened to him I would make sure you were looked after."

"What?"

"The men at your office? They're under my watch. They respect you because you're a damn good writer, but they also know if they gave you any shit..." He raised his eyebrow and you couldn't help but smile. Even after his death, he was making sure you were okay. That was the Jack you wanted to remember.

"In that case Mr Shelby, I thank you."

"Call me Tommy eh? Here's to the bravest man in France." He clinked his glass with yours and you felt him almost begin to relax.

"I noticed a piano in the hall - do you play?"

"I did as a boy. My mother was a keen player, I used to watch her all the time. Gave it up after she died."

"I played for Jack all the time. It soothed him when he couldn't sleep." He smiled, a warm genuine smile that you couldn't help but return.

You'd spent the evening drinking whiskey and talking with Tommy, the whiskey hitting you much quicker than it did him, and you could feel your eyelids growing heavier.

"I have a spare room upstairs y/n, maybe stay tonight, I'll have my driver take you home in the morning." He stood before you had chance to argue and you followed him up the stairs.

He led you into a beautiful bedroom, the decor in here much more appealing than downstairs and the large oak double bed even more so.

"I don't want to impose Thomas..."

"That storm isn't letting up any time soon, and you're exhausted. You're welcome to stay. There's fresh clothes in the wardrobe. My wife was the same build as you, they should fit. I'll have my driver take you home at 7am. Goodnight Y/n..." His blue eyes lingered on yours a moment and you felt a rush of something you hadn't felt in a long time... Scaring you. Quickly looking away, you bid him goodnight.

#tommy shelby x smut #tommy x fem!reader #tommy x y/n #thomas shelby x you #thomas shelby x reader #thomas shelby x smut

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captainsspnanon · 2 years ago

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Campaign 3: Bells Hells - Year Review

Can’t believe it’s been a year with this gang already!

Campaign thoughts overall:

I’m having a blast! The Mighty Nein is still my favorite, but Bells Hells is second on the list for me with Vox Machina third.

While I think some of them have been a bit overblown, I do think some of the pacing criticism is valid. The first 30ish episodes of the campaign just felt a bit weirdly paced out, both too slow and at times too fast as well. While it feels like we’re in a much more solid pacing, it also feels breakneck. I still wonder if the crew is expecting to have a ‘shorter’ campaign, or if Matt’s just got big things planned. With the Hells getting an airship for a year as of the last episode, it also feels a little bit like there’s a time limit on the campaign. Sure, M9 was just under a year, but VM was significantly longer, just because there were more timeskips. With that one year leasing limit, so to speak, it makes me wonder if the days of longer timeskips are gone for good. (Of course, the one year limit is arbitrary and I’m sure the Hells will somehow lose access to the airship within the span of a few weeks, but it’s just a Vibe.)

I do not agree with any of the claims that C3 feels ‘overproduced’ or ‘more likely to be scripted’ than any of the rest. They’ve got a better set, sure, better cameras and sound, yes, but they’re still goofballs who will talk over one another and improv with the best of them. I may not always feel like a lighting change is necessary, but it’s much less obtrusive than it was as the start, and I get very excited when we see new backgrounds. I desperately hope that there’s a snowy background, or a heavy rain/thunderstorm background!

PC thoughts:

No section here for Matt because all the NPCs are great and are consistently great. They all are still in solid NPC status, no one has yet reached a Gilmore/Allura/Essek level of ‘getting involved with the actual campaign’ yet.

In table order: Chetney! I’m loving every single choice that Travis is making with this character, he’s having a blast playing a smart impulsive chaotic being. I’m looking forwards to seeing where we go with Chet in the next year, as I do struggle a bit of seeing it as more than just a silly-playing-to-have-fun PC. There’s nothing wrong with a choice like that, but I’m not expecting it to be that shallow with this type of group and playstyle. I feel like there’s so much of Chetney still undiscovered, but not necessarily that he’s hiding it, just that it hasn’t come up. The Hells aren’t really the prying type.

Laudna! I love her. Once “D” was mentioned the first time, I was a bit hesitant, as Delilah never actually did it for me in C1, so having her back as a probable-antagonist in C3 was not something that I felt would hold up. Overall for me….well, it still didn’t. It’s not bad! I’ve actually enjoyed all the interactions with her we’ve gotten, but I don’t have that underlying sense of “OMGTHISISSOBAD” that seems to permeate the table and fanbase. I don’t really have a sense for what drives Laudna yet, so I am interested (and a bit impatient) to see how she develops in the next year. Does she have a story separate from Delilah? What mechanical choices is Marisha making? How is Laudna even going to be in this week’s episode?! I’m very excited!

FCG. Talk about a slow warm up. I’ve always had difficulty connecting to Sam’s PCs, and I think it’s because Sam is a player who goes for the joke first and then builds that joke into the PC. Flat Exandria is a great example of this. So when Sam came in with a cheerful overly bright robit for C3, it took time for me to get it. I know Sam is capable of great twists, so I wasn’t surprised and was even expecting the murderbot twist, I’m STILL expecting the Charlie/Devexian twist (though now I suspect it will be more of a twist if Sam DOESN’T do that), but what really got me with FCG? What really clicked me in? Is when he started having more emotions than just ‘friendly helper bot’. When he started to be irritated, sarcastic, angry, uncertain, and his latest exploration into religion? I’m not saying FCG is my favorite Sam PC because I’ve spent so much time with Nott, but I’m saying FCG has the potential to become my favorite. I am thrilled to see Sam start digging into the meatier aspect and I suspect that FCG is going to be one of the PCs with the biggest changes by the end of the campaign.

Fearne. I love her, omg. She has the benefit of being my favorite Ashley PC (mostly because she’s been here the entire time without needing breaks), but I love every single choice she makes, including all the ‘bad’ ones. Right now, Fearne has been played pretty surface level, with little dips below in regards to her parents and grandparents. Matt has clearly decided that she’s going to be pulled into the main moon plot somehow, and I’m fascinated to see how Ashley is going to take it. Will she let it change her? Will Fearne stay the same as the world changes around her? WILL ASHLEY AND LIAM GET SOME MORE SOLID RP MOMENTS THAT I AM DESPERATELY CRAVING??? (….look. We didn’t get anywhere near enough Vax and Pike interaction, despite Liam clearly hoping for it, nor enough Yasha and Caleb interaction despite Liam clearly hoping for it, give me it here please please please!!) I like that Ashley has decided that she clearly wants to play into the chaotic aspect of the characters and is embracing it for all she’s worth. In the future, I’m hoping to see how deep the well that is Fearne may go, as I very much doubt that what we see is all that we get.

Imogen. To my reluctance, I agree with some of the criticism that Imogen seems a bit Main Character TM. I’m expecting this to balance out, as there’s been good balance in the previous campaigns, but it is occasionally a bit distracting right now. However! That doesn’t mean that I haven’t been loving the entirety of it and I’m desperately interested to know what the fuck is up with Ruidus and the forgotten gods and how this is impacting Imogen and what her mother has to do with it and and and and! I’d say out of all of the PCs, I feel like we know Imogen the best. She’s been very open with her backstory, and we’ve seen so many different aspects of her on display! I am suuuuper ready to see more of her ruthlessness, I think the bomb and lighting bolt on the crawler is my favorite Ruthless!Imogen moment so far. Out of the PCs, Imogen is also the one who has the clearest goal and path forwards. Learn more about her powers, her mom, etc. I suspect she’ll continue to be a driving plot force until the Apogee Solstice happens, whether that be at the end of the campaign or only partway through. Also Laura Bailey is just fucking fantastic.

ORYM. ORYM ORYM ORYM. He’s just a dude! I was not fond of him during EXU, but oh boy do I love him in C3. I have a personal desire for him to slowly accept that he’s awesome at leadership and start taking a more prevalent role in the team, but I’m well aware that Liam specifically designed him to be less of a point person. I’m looking forwards to seeing how much Liam will or won’t resist where it seems like the character arc may be taking him and how that will impact Orym’s choices. Orym is the other PC that I feel we know the most about, at least backstory-wise. What I’m looking forwards to most is seeing how much MORE we end up getting from him on top of the ‘just a dude with a dead spouse on a mission from my leader’. Also, do I need to talk about Liam’s flair for describing battle mechanics? I don’t think I need to.

Ashton – the other slow grower for me. If you’ve following along in all my reactions, you’ll know that I was very hesitant with Ashton at first as he felt a bit Molly2.0 to me. That lasted, what, three episodes? And then that was all gone and I was getting to know Ashton as they presented themselves. Ashton is still a bit of a slow grower for me, though I feel like the past few episodes have really started to solidify my feelings for him. First of all, really enjoying them. But now I’m also invested in their story and past. Granted, it took so long because Taliesin is a cagey mofo from whom trying to get information can be like pulling teeth /affectionate. I was actually fairly disappointed that we left Bassuras with barely anything in regards to Ashton, but we’re getting into it now and I’m getting invested! TELL ME MORE I NEED TO KNOOOOW.

The setting:

…….probably the weakest part of the campaign, to be honest. I WANT to learn more about Marquet, I WANT to feel the vastness and the wildness and the differences between it and Wildmount and Tal’Dorei. But so far, we’ve been pretty limited in what we’ve seen. Jrusar is definitely interesting, but the downside of a big city is that big cities are big cities and even with their surface differences they end up being big cities. I found parts of Jrusar fascinating (that underground market?? LOVE IT WANT MORE), but I was excited when we left to see more. Sadly, it seems like a lot of the travel in this campaign has been abridged. Our journey through the jungle was quick with a little detour and a battle, but overall a non-descript jungle. The place that the museum was in was interesting, but it was more jumping to places versus really feeling the lay of the land. The Hellcatch Valley was just flown over which disappoints me to no end because I would LOVE to see them have to travel through it for two or three episodes. Bassuras had tons of character and I loved it and really hope that a lot of other places have this level of flavor and uniqueness to them! I want to find more of what makes Marquet MARQUET, if that makes any sense. It doesn’t need to be all Mad Max and desert (and in fact, shouldn’t be), and I feel like we’ll get that sense if we go from smaller town to smaller town. With Jrusar being the main hub of sorts, I feel like we’ll be able to start exploring more, especially as we’ve unlocked another mode of travel. Granted, it means we’ll probably end up skipping over a lot of the travel which makes me sad, but we’ll see how it goes. I’m discovering more and more that I adore exploration and want to see more of that in this campaingn.

The ships.

Time to batten down the hatches, because I’m about to get controversial.

My NOTPs: None!

My OTPs: None!

Ships that I’m actively shipping: None!

Ships that I can see happening and would enjoy based off of current characterization: Fearne/Anyone (seriously, she would pair fantastically well with ANY of the PCs!), Orym/Ashton, FCG/Imahara Joe (look it just fascinates me okay)

Ships that entertain me and I would enjoy for the funsies even if I don’t necessarily vibe with them: Ashton/Laudna, Chetney/Anyone, Ashton/Imogen, Orym/any of the ladies (doesn’t work with the sexualities, but still fun concepts)

Ships that I …. would need a hell of a lot of changes in the campaign order for me to enjoy: Imogen/Laudna, Orym/Dorian. The latter because I really would need Robbie back full time and I’d need to see more interpersonal play with them. I know that they were dropping a lot of teases for it, but it never clicked for me. Okay, so the former. *sigh* Look, I know this is the big SHIP especially on tumblr, but so much of it just seems to be ‘two women are affectionate OMG LESBIANS THEY’RE LESBIANS AND IN LOVE AND THEY’RE LESBIANS DID WE MENTION THEY’RE LESBIANS’. There’s also a LOT of ‘Marisha and Laura HAVE to get together this campaign, they didn’t LAST campaign so they HAVE TO this time’. Honestly? I can see this ship in the campaign going either way, but I am absolutely dreading the fallout if they don’t get together. I can only image what the fall out of Beau/Jester not coming to fruition was, and this feels like it could get so much worse. Now, I’m not saying that I don’t see the possibility for it to happen, I DO, but I’d like to see a lot more interaction between the PCs first. So much of their background is ‘we’ve been traveling for two years together!’ but it doesn’t always feel like it. In the oddest sense, I almost feel like a lot of their relationship is still fairly surface level. I need more depth and interaction, and if this does become a canon ship, I hope we have a good number of episodes more before it happens so that the PCs can develop more, both together and separately. (also, and I know I’m poking the beehive here, but Laudna has IN GAME repeatedly shown attraction to men [Ira, the minotaur dude], so calling her a lesbian just really feels like denial. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone suggest that maybe she’s bi? Or pan? Just LESBIAN. Shall I even mention that Imogen has also mentioned having a crush on a guy? That one at least was pre-game, so maybe could be considered to be before she finalized her sexuality, but once again, just feels like bi-erasure. And god forbid either of these characters turns out to be straight, I’m pretty sure tumblr will revolt in it’s entirety, despite the fact that they don’t owe us a queer character or a certain relationship).

#critical role #bells hells #my year in review type of thing #as always all views expressed are only my personal opinions

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dabifixation · 4 years ago

Text

see you later

pairings: dabi x fem!reader

warnings: smut, fluff, angst, major character death, mha manga spoilers, slight gore, MINORS DNI

summary: Dabi knew he had to end things soon before they got out of hand. He knew this wasn't supposed to last long, he told himself that everytime he left your apartment in the early hours of the morning. Until he found himself back here again, in your arms and lost between your thighs.

word count: 4.7k words

"... We encourage everyone to stay at home tonight, as there is a possibility of a severe thunderstorm, along with it flashfloods all over the city..."

The television only served as background noise for you as you moved around your kitchen. Cleaning up the dirty dishes and utensils, a small smile on your lips after the friendly company you had tonight.

It's been a while since you invited your friends over for some supper after the long depressing week you had. You needed that, the entertainment and companionship only they could offer you. You've never laughed or cried so hard in months, telling each other about your sorrows and thoughts for your futures ahead.

Being an adult was never easy, especially in a world full of rejected heroes.

You were so lost in your thoughts that you hadn't heard the warning cough behind you, or the tap against your kitchen counter. But you did give a short shriek when you felt someone wrap their arms around your waist, their chin resting on your shoulder, inhaling your scent.

You relaxed once you felt the familiar warmth of who it was. Only one person in the entire world could be dubbed a walking, breathing furnace, and it was him.

"I missed out on a big meal didn't I?" He drawled, his warm hands rubbing soothing circles against your stomach.

"Maybe if you didn't pop into my life every few months, I would've saved you a plate." You sarcastically replied, but you didn't miss the way how you sounded partially hurt.

You weren't expecting much all those years ago when you found him bloodied and passed out behind your childhood home, and you weren't expecting much now.

You never asked questions, and he never pried in your personal life. You were quite fine with that. Not everyone was an extrovert and had their whole life story ready to be dished out. He was a very private person and you respected that.

He ignored what you said and continued to nuzzle his face into your neck. Using one hand to push your hair over your shoulder, exposing your neck to him.

You suppressed a sigh when you felt his warm lips give short kisses against your neck.

"I've missed you." He breathed cold air into your neck, making you stiffen at those words. He's never said something like that before, not once in the six years since you've known him.

Dabi noticed you stiffen in his arms, but he didn't say a word. He wasn't lying. He did miss you, achingly so.

He missed your stubborn attitude, the sarcastic replies that were on par with his own, the homemade cooking you offered to teach him countless of times that he doubt he'd pay attention to cause he wouldn't be able to keep his hands to himself. But most importantly he missed you. The way your touch lingered even days after his monthly visits, the way your lips would pay close attention to the magenta scars all over his body, and the different ways you'd say his name depending on what he was doing to you.

God, he was going to miss all of this once he leaves for the League of Villains.

"I've missed you too." You shyly said, you've never admitted these words aloud before and it felt good to tell him that.

"Turn around for me, I wanna see how good you look." He whispered in your neck.

"Dabi I'm wearing nothing but my puppy printed sweater." You deadpanned.

"It doesn't matter, you always look good no matter what." He playfully nipped your ear, making you roll your eyes despite the heat in your body relocating to your cheeks.

You turned around to face him, a beaming smile on your face that was only ever directed at him. Your heart always soared whenever you looked at him. He was beautiful. The most beautiful man you've ever had the pleasure of laying your eyes on. His eyes were the most vibrant blue you've ever seen, little specks of grey dancing in those pretty blues that were half lidded but always calculative and aware of his surroundings. He licked his lips, bringing your attention to the plump flesh that were an interesting contrast between soft and jagged, and the pink tongue residing in his mouth.

Your eyes were transfixed on his appearance, making sure no hair on his head was missing or any new injuries to his increasing collection. You rested your forehead against his hard chest once you found nothing out of place, letting out a sigh of relief when you finalized that he was okay, and not sporting a limp or any other injury.

"Damn, I stress you out that much huh doll?" You could hear the smirk in his voice, but didn't have the energy to make a snarky remark, only offering him a small smile.

"Your visits are becoming less and less you know, the last time I saw you was five months ago. I was..." so worried about you, you wanted to say. You were so worried that you stayed up everyday, two hours after your initial bedtime hoping that he'd at least show up once in those five months. He didn't, and you were beginning to think he never would, until tonight. You didn't want to tell him that.

He wouldn't care.

You felt embarrassed that you were crying to your friends about him earlier on. Scared that you'd never see him again, not because he's moved on from you as you know there's nothing keeping him here other than sex and a warm bed to crash in, but because you were worried he'd get himself injured or worse. And you didn't like dwelling on what worse could imply.

"I kno–" Dabi's words were cut off by a small sneeze he muffled into his arm. Sneezing twice more before he regained his composure.

You only noticed now that his clothes were slightly damp and heavier than usual. It made your eyesbrows furrow.

"How long were you in the rain Dabi?" You questioned, knowing you wouldn't like whatever answer he'd come up with.

"Ever since your lady friends came by."

"That was over two hours ago? You've been sitting in the rain this entire time?!" You felt your blood pressure rising when he only shrugged at your accusations. It was like arguing with a toddler sometimes.

You sighed again, pinching the bridge of your nose. "I've got a box of mens clothes laying around here somewhere. Go take a shower and I'll get them for you and make you a cup of hot tea."

He quirked one eyebrow up, staring intensely at you.

"What?" You averted your eyes away from his, embarrassed that he was searching your face for something.

He shrugged again, rolling his battered coat off his shoulders and started stripping the rest of his clothes off. You turned around before he could go any further. Busying yourself with getting his tea ready.

Dabi stopped undressing, standing there with nothing but his jeans on. Watching you as you got the correct items in order to make him tea, muttering to yourself about which biscuits he might like with it.

He liked the butterscotch ones, but he didn't bother opening his mouth. Too memorized by the way you moved around so frantically as if he was dying instead of coming down with a small cold.

He liked that about you, he liked a lot of things about you. Especially the way you cared about the simplest things pertaining to him even during moments of intimacy. You treated him like glass even if he didn't offer the same treatment in return, not because he didn't want to, he just didn't know how to go about it.

He frowned.

Dabi was only ever vulnerable around you, and you didn't even realize it. You didn't know the power you had over him, and he'd like to keep it that way. Afraid that you'd use it against him and he wouldn't be able to bring himself to hurt you for that. He could never hurt you.

He found himself walking towards you on impulse, hugging your waist once again. This time pressing his body flush against yours. He heard you gasp and that pulled a smirk out of him.

"Do you know what you do to me?" He gripped your hip with one hand, and snuck the other hand underneath your shirt. His lips against your neck, right above your pulse point.

Your stomach tensed when you felt his hot fingers rubbing soothing circles against it. He pressed you further against him, making you feel the growing length against your ass. You bit your lip, stopping yourself from whimpering too early.

"The way your nipples are perking up so nicely for me in this shirt that's practically transparent is driving me nuts." He snaked his hand further up your shirt, brushing the skin underneath your breasts gently. Your breath caught in your throat as you gripped the counter tightly.

Your panties were clinging to your pussy uncomfortably, you could feel the material getting wetter with each passing second. You tried rubbing your thighs together for some friction, but Dabi wasn't having any of it. He clicked his tongue out of irritation, the hand on your hips falling towards your inner thighs, parting your legs. His hold was strong enough to prevent you from rubbing your thighs together, you wanted to whine when he didn't place his hand right where you wanted them.

Just a little higher.

"I asked you a question doll." He spoke into your hair, taking a deep breath from the rooibos shampoo you used. The smell turned him on even more.

"W-what question?" You whimpered, resting the back of your head onto his chest, sighing out as he brushed the pads of his thumb against your hardened nipples.

"I don't like repeating myself." He growled, pinching your nipples harshly causing you to whimper pathetically in his arms. He continue to tweak at your nipples roughly before groping your breast and fondling it the way he liked.

"Dabi... " You mewled.

"Don't. Don't say my name like that." He gave your nipples a warning pinch.

You bucked up into his hips, involuntarily grinding against his cock. The swollen head rubbing in between your ass despite the jeans restricting him. Making him choke back a groan.

Dabi was just as impatient as was it in his nature to tease. He took his hand away from between your thighs to quickly lick the tips of his index and middle finger, bringing them back towards your aching pussy. You were such a good girl, not once taking the opportunity to touch yourself or rub your thighs together.

He wasted no time in pushing your thong to the side, sucking a deep breath through his teeth when he rubbed his fingers through your slit collecting the thick moisture gathered there. You always got so wet for him.

After coating his fingers in your arousal, he moved his fingers towards the bundle of nerves that had been pulsing ever since he rocked up at your house.

You let out a breathy yes, eyes rolling to the back of your head as Dabi rubbed your clit just the way you liked, grinding it down in tight circles that had your toes curling. He pinched at your clit piercing, knowing how much you liked it when he played with the metal and how easily it could make you gush for him. The pleasure was overwhelming and had you feeling light headed.

Without warning, Dabi plunged those same two fingers into your tight pussy. You bit back a scream as your body jerked and writhed against him. Hips chasing after his fingers as they thrusted deeper into your spongy walls, the palm of his hand grinding against your clit. The stimulation was too much for you.

"Fuck!" You shouted out, bringing your hand down to his, gripping on his wrist tightly so he could go deeper and faster. He could get you cumming around his two fingers alone, he didn't need more than that.

"Dabi please." You begged.

"Please what?" He asked curiously, knowing exactly what you so deeply craved.

The hand around your breast disappeared. He reached for his jeans so he could unzip it and pull it down. A short relieved sigh left his lips once his jeans were pulled down his thighs, just enough to free his heavy cock from all that pressure. He gripped his cock in his free hand, he wanted to feel you around him so bad but he had to be patient, as much as he hated it.

Dabi watched you from underneath his dark lashes, the way your body responded to him in delicious squirms and moans drove him mad. He added pressure to your clit, grinding his palm hard against it. Your body rocked back into him for more, a high pitched wail leaving those beautiful lips he couldn't wait to claim.

"I want you ins- shit shit shit!" He watched your body shaking silently against him, thighs trembling, pussy clamping so hard around his fingers he hissed as he pulled them out and quickly replaced them with his angry, pulsing cock.

"Fuck." Dabi let out breathlessly in your ear, feeling you clench and gush around him as you came. He wasn't prepared for this. To feel you around him after five long excruciating months. He loved the way your pussy gripped onto him after all these years, as if it was the first time all over again.

Dabi pulled your head back by your chin so he could look into your eyes as he drove you into your next orgasm. Ignoring your pained whimpers of pleasure from being overstimulated like this. He dragged his cock slowly out of you, holding back a gasp as he slid out of your warm walls, missing the snug warmth around him, and then slammed right back into you without warning, making you cry out.

Your ass bounced against his thighs as he gained momentum, making him cuss underneath his breath at the squelching noises that came along with it and the mess you made on his jeans. Your hands fell down to Dabi's thighs, gripping them tightly but not tight enough to leave your mark, as he practically seethed from the power trip of fucking you after so long.

The drag of his cock inside you had you nearing your second orgasm so soon, and with the animalistic grunts Dabi let out, you could tell he wasn't too far behind. He usually lasted longer than this, way longer, he underestimated how much he truly missed you it seemed.

"Dhabi... Phleasinside... Please!" He could barely make out what you were saying, a stroke to his ego at fucking you so silly to a point you couldn't use your words properly.

"What doll? Use your words." There was a slight wheeze to his words, your pussy clenching so tightly around him had him close to losing his breath.

"Please cum inside... fuck your cum inside me please. Please!" You momentarily gained back your speech long enough to form coherent sentences. You screwed your eyes shut as you felt your orgasm nearing.

His grip on your hips tightened immensely, no doubt leaving his fingerprints there for days. He wouldn't last much longer and you knew it, the telltale signs of his thighs tensing and the urgent bucking of his hips told you he was close.

Dabi let out a groan so deep from the very depths of his stomach, goosebumps began to rise on your sore arms from the intense sound alone. He forced your head to the back so he could kiss you as he came, making a sound so damn carnal it had you cumming alongside him.

The two of you came together in perfect harmony, your pussy clenching down so hard on his cock it had you lurching forward from the force, breaking the heated kiss. Long strings of hot semen shot up into your awaiting womb, dripping down your thighs when it had no more room to go.

Your breathing was uneven, your chest and throat burning from your screaming session. Forever grateful that you didn't live by your parents anymore, back when you had to muffle all your moans from when you and Dabi used to fool around even back then.

He was no better, his breathing shallow and unsteady.

Dabi didn't pull out just yet, savoring the moment of the two of you being joined as one. His fingers traced the long line running down your back, not caring how sweaty you were as he kissed your shoulders gently in gratitude. After awhile he pulled his softened cock out of you, groaning from the oversensitivity while you winced from the evidence of what took place running down your shaky thighs.

The high from sex quickly came crashing down on him. He wasn't here to have sex with you, it just happened. Guilt began to chew at his mind from what he was about to do next, but the way you looked at him, with those caring eyes someone like him didn't deserve, made him drag this moment out far longer than it should've been.

He wasn't a ''now rather than later'' kind of guy after all.

"Let's get you cleaned up." His stomach churned when he watched you look up at him in confusion.

That's right, Dabi never cared about aftercare or basking in the afterglow. He thought it was unnecessary, but couldn't say he hasn't wondered how it would feel to have you running your fingers through his hair and humming childhood lullabies the way his mother used to do to him.

A pang shot out to his heart at the thought of his mother, quickly stomping those traitorous thoughts from making an appearance tonight. Not now, he thought. Returning his full attention towards you and your warm hand grasping his own. Squeezing it gently to bring him back down to earth.

Usually after he was done he'd leave, not that you were bitter about it or anything. That's just how it was. A small smirk would grace his two-toned lips with a "See you later" sent your way before he left your apartment. It was a little tradition shared between you two, the first time he said it you were still 16, applying ointment to his injuries after you found him in your parents backyard. He abruptly left without so much as a thank you, only offering those three words.

Now whenever he left, he'd always say those words to ease your brewing anxiety in promise of seeing you next time. And he never broke that promise.

He didn't speak to you about it, but you could tell he risked everything by coming to your place every once in awhile. You were not ignorant to the things Dabi did, some part of you knew he was involved with some shady things. Things you didn't want to bring up with him.

A man didn't get that many scars in their 23 years of life by being a good samaritan.

You reached your shower, stepping in while Dabi adjusted the settings to both of your liking, joining you once he was satisfied. You've come to love the heat as much as him, hot showers always reminded you of the flame user.

The water ran hot against the both of you. You looked up at Dabi, surprised to see him watching you. For a short moment, you held his gaze. Wondering what could possibly be running through his head that had him looking so defeated.

He wanted to tell you then and there that he'd have to leave for good this time. The League weren't people to be taken lightly, especially with that unhinged brat as their leader. He wouldn't be surprised if the creepy fucker was the type to kill the loved ones of people in order to maintain compliance.

But Dabi kept his mouth, and reached for your blue loofah instead. Squirting some of your lemon scented body wash onto it, scrunching it up so it could get more soapy. He worked in silence, scrubbing your body gently with utmost care and concentration.

Hell would freeze over before Dabi allows anyone to touch a single hair on your body. He didn't care who it was, even if it was the League members, he'd make damn sure their life would end with them being nothing but dirt underneath his shoe. He had to stop coming over after tonight, he was heading into dangerous, unknown territory afterall and he'd rather avoid killing the people he needed to exploit. His plans were finally at his fingers tips, and he wasn't about to throw them away over sex.

No, it was more than sex, no matter how many times he tried convincing himself that he was only here for one reason, he'd just end up fooling himself. At night when he'd look for shelter on the streets, when his quirk couldn't keep him warm the way he wanted, you'd plague his mind with your sweet smile and honey voice. Scolding him for not taking better care of himself and that he could crash at your place if he needed to get back on his feet.

That's why Dabi stopped scrubbing you just as you began to relax at the newfound comfort. You felt his hands tense against your body, making you turn around in concern.

"Hey. Is everything okay?" You were so concerned about him, his chest tightened. Why did you care so much about someone like him. You were so ignorant and stupid. Could you not see the blood on his hands from all the innocent people he convinced himself he killed out of pleasure. It infuriated him to no end, but he could never get mad at you. Not really. He tried pushing you away before, but you were as stubborn as him so he gave up on that method.

Your shoulders fell from his lack of response.

You were too grown to be playing guessing games with him, it was cute entertaining it before, but not now. Not when you were just coming to terms with... with what exactly?

You had an inkling of what was going on, but didn't want to push further. If he was going to tell you, he would. So you asked the next best thing.

"When will you be back?" You asked hopefully, water running down your face. He flashed you a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. His fingers brushing your wet hair out of your face. He learned in, placing a soft kiss against your forehead, his lips lingering for a moment.

"You're so important to me and I don't want you getting hurt because of my suicidal actions." Was what Dabi wanted to say, but he didn't.

So Dabi did what Dabi did best, deflect from the situation and push his true feelings down. Just when you thought you were making progress (as small as that progress was) in this twisted relationship you had with him, you were right where you started.

"I don't know when, I can't tell you exactly. But just know it won't be anytime soon." Or ever.

"Okay. Just... just stay safe." You whispered, placing your hand above his chest, where his heart was. You could feel the way his heart was beating ferociously against his chest, like a caged animal.

He brushed his thumb against your cheek, wanting to remember how soft your skin felt underneath his fingertips, wanting to remember everything from tonight before he left for good. He gave you one last kiss, this time on your lips. A quick peck that said a thousand words, and got out of the shower getting ready to leave. You stood still underneath the scorching heat of the shower, for the first time in years it actually made you flinch in pain.

You watched as he dried himself off with your towel, not paying any attention to you as his hand reached for the doorknob. Much to your relief, he spared you a brief glance that said everything you needed to know in that moment.

"See you later."

It's been ten months since you last saw him, almost a year. And in those ten months you've moved out of the city, got a new job and apartment better than the last. You were happy, content with how life has been treating you lately. Your skin was healthier and glowing, you made time for the gym and started toning your body to your liking. Everything was perfect.

It's been ten months since you last saw him, until you finally did.

There Dabi was, or as it said on the news headline, Touya Todoroki, all over your television. Standing above the ruins of a burning building. His clothes were torn, and his body full of cuts and bruises. You didn't even notice the white hair until the news reporter pointed it out.

There was a ringing in your ear as the camera zoomed in on what looked like a teenage boy emerging from one of the ruins, sporting dual coloured hair. Shouto Todoroki was his name they said, Dabi's younger brother who was a 1st year student at UA High School.

Dabi burst into those beautiful blue flames that you admired so much, while the young boy's left side burst into flames of red and orange. They appeared to get ready to fight, the entire country watching with bated breath.

And then everything happened so fast after that.

You don't remember when the tears started falling, but you do remember the loud sob that tore out of your throat as you watched Dabi's flames engulf him from over-exerting his quirk. He fell on his knees, face twisting as he screamed in pain. You couldn't hear what was happening as the mic from the camera crew melted from the overbearing heat of the two flame users, but you could tell that the pain he was going through was excruciating.

You didn't even recognize your own scream when his body swayed as his flames ate away at his flesh. The staples holding his two skin types together, melting into his flesh. You felt sick to your stomach.

Dry sobs continued to leave your sore throat as you watched the man you've known since you were 16, the man you were afraid to admit that you loved so deeply and finally came to terms with it after six years, slowly dying on national television as the entire world watched and didn't do anything about it.

The anchorman's voice was muffled as you watched your lover fall down, face first into the concrete. His body immobile. Your throat clogged up in pain, all you could do now was cry and watch as his little brother tried reviving him using CPR. A failed attempt, but what else could a 15 year old with zero experience in the medical field do.

A part of you felt like it was being ripped out as you watched heroes rush to the scene trying to pry the young boy away from his older brother. You watched as he pushed them away baring his teeth at them, tears streaming down his young face. You watched as a stretcher rolled by, two medics picking up Dabi's burnt corpse and putting him in that black body bag, zipping it up and slowly moving away from the scene.

The screen went blank, offering nothing but silence as you came to terms with what just happened, before the news anchor popped up, a nauseating smile on his pinched face.

"... The villain Dabi has finally been defeated by his own quirk. A win for hero society against their fight with the villains!!"

You were too numb to tell how many hours passed by as you sat there all alone in your room.

While the country celebrated his defeat, your entire world came crumbling down.

You would never be able to feel his warm hands cup your cheeks, pecking you all over the face while he praised you. You would never get to kiss him again, the type of kisses that left you weak in the knees. You would never get to do things with him that you always wanted to do, simple things such as falling asleep in his arms after a long day of work.

But most of all, you would never hear those three special words of his again, the words you didn't even realize until now, were his way of proclaiming his love for you.

"See you later."

#dabi #touya todoroki #touya #touya x reader #dabi smut #dabi x y/n #bnha smut #bnha imagines #manga spoilers #dabi headcanons #dabi fanfiction #mha fanfictions #anime #mha spoilers

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winslctrg · 4 years ago

Text

I Love You, With A Touch Of Tragedy And Quite Madly. (Mildred Ratched x Reader)

summary: a regular day at work turns out to be not so regular

a/n: this is for @sassicaismysupreme surpriseeee i was ur secret fic writer. Not important, but this is my first fic ever so i hope it is any good!

warnings: slapping, angst!

Your relationship with Mildred was a fairytale. You were all sunshine and blue skies. Though some clouds might be there with the occasional rainy day, there were rarely thunderstorms.

Mildred only added to your sunshine. She has been like some sort of rainbow hanging above your little heart island, making it a happier place. Rainbows are rare and special, and that’s also how you looked at Mildred.

It had always been happy. You were used to it like that, and you liked it that way. No complications, no anxiety, no fears, no anger. Mildred was some sort of safe haven where you just never had any problems. That's probably why the situation affected you so much.

It was one of those blue sky, happy sunny days. You opened your eyes, closed them again against the rays that fell right through your curtains. You couldn't be annoyed for long though, because your head immediately met your sleeping girlfriend's.

Your mouth fell into a soft smile upon seeing her. She always seemed to have that effect on you, no matter where you guys were. It once even happened at a funeral, and Mildred had to give u a soft warning glare. Not that that helped though, it only made you smile more. She made you smile. At home, at work, in the grocery store, on the street, at parties, anywhere at anytime. She was quite simply everything to you.

You pressed a soft kiss on her temple “Wake up darling, we’ll be late.” You whispered, before running your hand softly through her hair. The sun made her features even more gorgeous than they usually were, accentuating her sharp cheekbones and her beautiful big lips. Your hand left her hair and ran softly from the forming frown between her eyebrows all the way down to her nose before putting it on her now blushing cheeks.

“Goodmorning sunshine.” You giggled. A soft smile spread on Mildred’s face as she finally opened her eyes. Her brown eyes looked nearly gold because of the sun. You begged. Wished to stay like this forever, but the alarm went off, pulling you both out of your trances. You grinned at her before you sat up and grabbed her wrist. She positioned herself right in your arms. You let your nose slip into her beautiful reddish-brown hair, smelling her expensive shampoo.

You never got used to moments like these. They made your heart race, and you were sure it also grew 3 times bigger. “I love you” you whispered into her hair, as if making a promise to yourself that your heart would forever beat for her. “I love you too honey.” She said before yawning. “Aww are you sleepy baby?” you teased. “Did i wear you out last night?” your said, and you winked at her. Mildred glared at you, but you could see the pink tones covering her ears and cheeks. You kissed her softly, before pulling away again but resting your forehead against hers, noses touching. “We have to get ready.” You whispered. “I know.” She replied. She put her soft hands on your cheeks, as her long slender thumbs started stroking the area right beside your nose. “I love you.” You said again, just for the sake of reassuring your promise to her. She knew, because she smiled and when you looked deep into her warm brown eyes you saw that same promise. “I love you too, lets get dressed.”

You were in the car to work, both of you working at the hospital. Mildred drove, always. You did try once, but then nearly hit a car because you were too busy staring at her. You didn’t mind not driving, it meant you could stare at her without the posibillity of killing an entire family and their dog.

As you both arrived on the parking lot, you made sure your hat was on right and straightened Mildred’s too. You glanced around, saw nobody and kissed her. It always cleared your mind, kissing her. It seemed to draw out any negative feelings and fill your head with love, much like a love potion.

You both stepped out of the car and went to your respective entrances. You gave Mildred a small smile before parting.

Work went slowly, but good. You were good friends with Huck, and he made time speed up just a little faster, plus seeing Mildred at lunch really made you optimistic again.

After lunch, Mildred called you and Huck to a treatment room. There was a girl there, around your age, and she looked frightened.

“Nurse Finnigan, nurse y/l/n, this is miss Ruth Davis. She’s here because of unexplainable feelings towards women, which is simply unacceptable, don’t you guys think?” You pushed up an eyebrow and looked at Huck, who also had a confused expression on his face. “Well?” Mildred asked, a slight tinge to her tone now. Huck cleared his throat. “Yeah uh sure, unacceptable.”

You, however shook your head. “I don’t think she should be tortured simply for liking women. I don’t see a problem with it honestly.” You said as calmly as you could. You met Hucks gaze, saw his shocked eyes but also his slight grin. You averted your gaze to meet Mildreds eyes, saw a flash of panic. Panic? No, now it was definitely anger. “Nurse y/l/n thats incredibly inappropriate. I suggest you find another job if you think that way.” She said, her voice sounded a little too forced for your liking. “I’d gladly do, but um I know you don’t have a problem with it either.” You said and moved your head to look at the girl. “She doesn’t,” you told her. “I’d know-“

Before you had the time to finish your sentence, you felt a hard burning on your cheek and you stumbled tot he ground. She had hit you. Your mind was running 800 miles per second. You stared back up at her with tears threatening to come out of your eyes.

“I should’ve known it wasn’t real, right? That this was all a big game to you. That you didn’t actually care about me.” You whispered and you tried to lean on your shakey hands. “I’m sorry for believing you didn’t actually hate me, I’m sorry you had to keep your act up for so long. I just thought-“ your voice broke mid sentence. “I thought we were happy.” You blinked. Didn’t, couldn’t look at her. You opened your mouth to speak again, but instead a sob made it’s way out. You shook your head feverently and ran past her. “Don’t come after me.” You murmered as your shoulders touched. Away. Away. Away.

You didn’t know how long you had ran for, you wondered how you had even kept on going that far. Breathing was becoming, air scraping it’s way through your lungs, making them bleed. Doesn’t matter, you told yourself. It definitley wasn’t bleeding as badly as your heart

You only ever wanted to be hers. To watch the sunset with her ever night in the summer, and sit by the ocean just because you could. To give her hugs for warmth when she had underestimated the cool sting of the autumn air. To hold her hand on walks during the snow in the winter, and buy her the perfect christmas presents. To pick her some blooming daisies and lavender and violets in the spring and make a bouqet, just for her. You wanted to make her feel wanted.

You came to a halt as you realized where you had run to. Her house. Because that was home. She was. Your face crumpled and you started sobbing. You rand to the nearest wall to steady yourself, before giving up and letting yourself slide down the wall. You let your head fall in your hands and buried your shaking fingers in your hair.

“Yes, I’m scared of you! You hit me!” you screamed out, voice breaking halfway through out of frustration, anger and love. That one was hard to admit, but you knew you were mad because you loved her. Because you had spent months making a flower garden with all of your memories, and all that you knew of her, and all of your feelings, and she had just set it on fire.

“Look y/n I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do.” She said. Her voice was soft and you tried to listen for any sign of a lie. You couldn’t find any. You whipped your head up, glaring at her with such passion that even you were scared of what you were capable of. “You should’ve thought about that before you put you whole palm on my face, don’t you think?” you snarled. You saw her chin tremble, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. “You know, you always tell your patients not to be afraid, but i don’t think there’s anyone that’s more scared than you. I know you are, don’t even pretend you aren’t. I know you.” You paused for a second, took a shaky breath in, cursed at yourself internally. “You might not know it, but I do. 4 months don’t just go by, Mildred. Neither for you nor for me.”

You saw a tear slip out of her eye. “I’m so sorry y/n. I do know. I do care. I’m sorry.” She breathed, and you could practically hear your heart break. “I don’t know what to do, but I do care. I can’t-“ her sentence got broken up by a big intake of breath, before a loud sob escaped her mouth. “I was so scared.” She cried. Your eyebrow pushed up. You should've known she was afraid, should've known she never agreed to do the therapy, should’ve known you burnt your own flowers the minute you started talking. But you were confused, and you felt hurt and you reacted on that.

You didn't even think about her feelings, if you were going to be honest with yourself. You wanted to feel guilty, but deep down you knew you couldn’t blame yourself. She hurt you, she hit you and that wasn’t going to be forgotten in a heartbeat.

But you loved her. More than anything. And so you tried to pick up all of the broken pieces, yours and hers, and tried to glue all of it into one big love ball.

“I’m not gonna say that its okay, Mildred, because it’s not and you know that.” You started. You saw her eyes scarily looking up into yours. You took a deep breath in before continuing. “But this doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore.” Her eyes watered again. “It doesn’t?” You shook your head. “No it doesn’t, but you try doing that again and I won’t give you another chance.” Mildred shook her head violently. “Alright, come on, we’ll go home.”

That night before you guys went to bed, you approached her.

“Mildred,” you said as she was going to the bathroom. She turned around, her beautiful curls falling just right over her shoulders. “Yeah?” she said. You smiled. “I love you.” She hid a small blush while turning back around. “I love you too darling.” She replied. You smiled to yourself. Though this was too big of an issue to just blow over, you knew you and Mildred would work through it. Because you loved her, even if it was tragedy sometimes.

#mildred ratched #mildred ratched x reader #ratched #sarah paulson #sarah paulson x reader

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sad-sweet-cowboah · 4 years ago

Text

Tricksters

Summary: On a hot day, you decide to take a dip at a local secluded lake. When Arthur comes to join you, the two of you begin to have an interesting conversation before an untimely interruption.

Warnings: Swearing. nudity, and smut. Ya know, the norm.

Word Count: 7411

A/N: This is the first place prize from my 2k followers giveway! As requested by @lindleyjo, she wanted a creative way of how reader interacts with a younger Arthur.

Support your local content creators and reblog!

Heat.

A sweltering, heavy blanket of humidity settled upon the land after a powerful thunderstorm raged through the previous night. Everyone within camp had slept uncomfortably, tossing and turning in a desperate attempt to shake the crushing atmosphere. If you weren’t out in the open, you yourself would have stripped naked just to have a few hours of peaceful slumber.

With the morning sun peeking over the horizon, the camp’s sleepy members arose and began with the morning chores and duties. After getting dressed you wandered out into the open, observing your surroundings. Some of the women were already working on chores, scrubbing shirts or washing dishes from the night before with Susan Grimshaw at the helm. You paused once you saw her, knowing full well she’d put you to work the moment she realized you had nothing better to do.

You turned heel in the wet grass, hurrying toward the opposite side of camp in hopes to look busy. Toward the edge of camp were a few bags of feed strewn about, and a perfect way to keep yourself from Susan’s radar. You bent over to pick one up, nearly buckling as its awkward weight shifted upon you. Still, you’d managed to place it over your shoulder.

Just as you began to step forward, you heard someone call your name.

The feed sack blocked your view, though you recognized that voice instantly. Arthur Morgan. A young and otherwise cocky gang member and a favorite among Dutch and Hosea. Shuffling your feet to face him, he appeared in your view quicker than you’d expected.

“You, uh, need help with that?” he asked with a somewhat sheepish tone.

You smiled at him. He was always offering to help you with heftier tasks, even though you’ve told him multiple times you could handle it quite well. As boisterous as he was, he was always polite with you and the other women of the camp. Sometimes it seemed as if he gave you a little more attention, unless it was just your imagination. “I’ve got it, Arthur,” you assured him, shifting yet again as the feed inside began to weigh down uncomfortably. “Thank you.”

“Thought you’d say that,” he responded with a soft chuckle, bending down to grab another. “Thought I’d offer anyway.”

“I know,” you giggled, walking around the edge of camp to where the horses rested. “Truth is, I’m just avoiding being a wash maid today. Too hot for that.”

“So you opted for heavy liftin’,” Arthur remarked, stepping by you to place his bag upon a hay bale. The horses nickered excitedly at their arrival. “Don’t seem like it’d be any cooler.”

“As long as I look busy, then Susan won’t put me to work.” You pointed out, dumping your feed bag alongside his.

Arthur dusted his hands and snickered. “’S'pose that’s fair.”

You straightened up, catching his eye briefly. The summer sun reflected in his bright blue eyes, layering a golden hue amongst the oceanic orbs. He averted his gaze once it lasted a second too long. “Er, need anything else?”

You opened your mouth, only to be interrupted by someone calling Arthur’s name. It was Dutch Van der Linde himself. The two of you turned toward his gruff voice, noting the gang leader standing by his tent, standing casually with a lit cigar resting between his lips. Hosea stood next to him, looking on expectantly.

Arthur turned to look at you again. “Never mind, duty calls. See you later?”

Giving him a short nod, you bid him goodbye while he stalked off to join the two men. They were too far away for you to listen to their conversation properly, yet you caught wind Dutch had some grand scheme planned that required Arthur’s hand. A bank or stage coach robbery perhaps. You considered volunteering yourself to come along, the thought of big money was enough of an incentive to take your mind off the heat.

“Hey! Can I come along?” a new voice tore through your thoughts. High-pitched and gritty with the transition to manhood. You watched as John Marston came galloping up to the three men.

Dutch gave a hearty chuckle and reached out to ruffle John’s mop of hair. “Sorry son, just us three.”

“You’ll come along for the next one,” Hosea promised as John opened his mouth to protest. “It’s a small job, we don’t need an extra bodyguard.”

Arthur’s lips moved, most likely mumbling to himself. Whatever he said however, John’s face turned indignant. His body tensed like a predator about to spring on its prey. Hosea stepped in between the two immediately.

“Easy now,” he said with amusement, although gave Arthur a stern glare. “Don’t tease him, Arthur.”

Arthur only rolled his eyes and folded his arms. Since John had been brought in by Dutch and Hosea a few years ago, he and Arthur have almost always been at odds. Both headstrong in their own ways, they acted more like brothers; even when Arthur adamantly denied it. John was still young and immature, thus he’d stay in camp more often than not. He huffed and stormed off, grumbling to himself while Arthur just watched with a smirk on his face.

The three of them took their leave shortly after, saddling and mounting their horses before galloping away. You watched as they disappeared from view, sighing and turning to face camp once again. It was tempting to jump onto your own horse and follow; a wishful thought.

“Y/N!” Susan’s sharp voice pierced the air. “Get your butt over here and pick up a dish rag!”

You stifled a groan, knowing you were standing idle for just a little too long from your own volition. Before Susan could come over and ream your ass, you headed over and picked up an unused rag to help the others.

After a good hour of washing dishes and mending holes in jeans, you were free. You straightened up, stretching out your aching back and cracking your stiffened hands. Sweat pooled in uncomfortable places, soaking through awkward parts of your garments. Wiping a layer of sweat from your brow, you needed relief.

Stepping into the shade of the tree line, you breathed out a sigh. Though still humid, being away from direct sunlight certainly helped. Getting away also prevented Grimshaw from finding even more work for you to do. You leaned against a trunk and fanned yourself, wishing nothing more than to dip yourself in some cold water right now.

You paused, remembering there was a lake not too far away. You’d ridden by it a handful of times, saw a fisherman once or twice. Perhaps the heat was enough to drive away any unwanted eyes. With a plan in mind, you headed back to get your horse.

The woods provided some relief to your otherwise overheated state. Thick leaves and multiple branches allowed some cover from the sun. As you trotted along a small path, a slight breeze carried through, rustling the dense green shrubbery and provided a cooling sensation to your exposed skin. The lake wasn’t too far now, and you urged your horse into a lope in impatience. Up ahead, the canopy broke away to reveal a sheet of water gently disturbed by another breeze. Glimmering beautifully under the bright sun, the surface appeared inviting. The hard packed soil and bushes soon turned into a sandy beach. Gently pulling your mare to a halt, you dismounted and stepped onto the softly shifting terrain. Your gaze scanned the circumference of the lake, only stopping to find you were alone.

Perfect.

You tied your steed to a nearby tree before eagerly shedding your clothes. You made a home for them on the rocks to dry out the sweat before you padded toward the shore. Gentle waves lapped up toward you, kissing your toes with a near frosty sensation. One foot in front of another with a slow step, you were soon embraced from the waist up. The dramatic temperature difference was almost shocking at first, fine hairs raising along your skin. It only took a moment for your body to adjust, and you sunk in further. Wrapped in the soothing cold, you reached your arms out and began to swim.

A few minutes passed by of you lazily floating through the calm waters, relaxed and uncaring of the rest of the world. You were perfectly content in that moment, free of gritty chores and the judgmental or curious eyes of others. You could spend the entire day out here, as long as no one else would ruin your peace.

Time soon became lost to you amongst the calm surface, though you couldn’t care less. Being out here was much better than drowning in your own sweat back at camp.

A thought crossed your mind. You wondered if Arthur, Dutch, and Hosea returned from their heist, and if it went successfully. Your curiosity almost had you swimming to shore to find out.

Yet with the sun still high and the sky and the air still stifling, you didn’t want to move. You’d find out later anyway.

Amongst the distant sounds of nature, you caught the shrill whinny of your mare. You immediately turned your attention to her, the horse’s head high and ears pricked forward, facing the forest. She nickered into the trees. Something had caught her attention.

Seconds later, you could hear a responding whinny, further away and still out of sight. Your heart lurched and you ducked low, keeping your eyes an inch above the water to watch. With your gun and knife still on shore, you had no way to defend yourself.

Movement in the trees formed itself into a horse and its rider, stepping from the shady canopy into the open. It were as if the Gods heard your thoughts. The beautiful coat shimmering in the sunlight belonged to Boadicea, and Arthur’s prominent face hidden under the brim of his hat. The two mares nickered to each other in greeting.

Relief flooded through you as you watched Arthur look at your horse, then glance left and right in confusion. You had to make yourself known now, lest he thought you were in trouble or worse. He hadn’t spotted your clothes yet. Despite your nudity, it didn’t bother you to be this way in his presence. With how long you’ve been a part of the gang, you’ve been around him in your undergarments multiple times. You were comfortable enough around him to know he wouldn’t attempt anything crass.

Pulling yourself up to just above chest level, you called out, “Arthur!”

His head shot up to the sound of your voice. “Y/N? Whatchoo doin’ out here?”

“Cooling off,” you responded, swimming closer to him. “What about you?”

The closer you got, you began to realize he was splattered in blood. Though the majority of it painted his vest and pants, you noticed patterns streaking across his exposed forearms, neck, and face. It wasn’t an unusual sight to see, knowing how dangerous this lifestyle was.

This tugged at your mind. Had he gotten injured in any way? “Are you hurt?” you ask.

“Er,” his gaze swept across the shore, and finally landed on the rock which your clothes lay upon. Eyes growing wide, you could see the rosy tint in his cheeks as he looked away. Clearing his throat, he answered, “Blood ain’t mine. Actually, I was gonna come wash up out here, since I can’t exactly go back to town n’ do it… Guess this lake’s already occupied.” He tucked his head down sheepishly.

His answer allowed you to smile in relief. Though you understood his reasoning to come out here, he was one of the few you wouldn’t mind sharing this space with. No reason to force him to go elsewhere. “No it ain’t,” you responded. “There’s plenty of room for the both of us.”

“N-no, you ain’t even decent,” he stammered, biting his lip from underneath the brim of his hat. “I’ll just go –”

“Arthur,” you interjected. “It’s fine, I promise. It’s a big lake, not like we’ll be on top of one another. I don’t care.”

He refused to look at you directly, instead cast his attention across the lake in deep thought. A full moment passed before he sighed and dismounted Boadicea. “Guess I can’t really argue that…” he murmured. “Can you jus’…turn ‘round please?”

You nodded, smiling a little at his modesty. Turning yourself around and swimming further out, you waited until you heard him stepping into the water before facing him again.

He stood in waist deep water, arms held to the front of his body. The somewhat clear water was dark enough for you not to see below his navel. You’d only seen Arthur shirtless a handful of times, and each moment of stolen subtle glances you appreciated more than the last. He was certainly built nicely, his frame decorated with just the right amount of muscle.

“Don’t stare please,” he mumbled.

You abided to his wish, instead swimming a little further out with only your head above the surface. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see him beginning to bathe himself, albeit awkwardly. You had to wonder how often he would have a bath girl do the work for him. Or perhaps it was your presence skewing him? Arthur was usually arrogant and carried himself with confidence, without a care in the world of who thought what of him. It was only in the presence of those close to him did he show a different side, and you were no exception.

After a few moments of silence, the questions from earlier arose in your mind. Maybe it would be less awkward for him if you were to initiate some casual conversation. Shifting to cast a glance his way, you called out. “So how’d the job go?”

He avoided your eyes, keeping his fixated on his forearms, running his hands along to remove the stains. The water soon tinged crimson with blood pooling around him. He hesitated for a moment. “Pretty good, actually. We made out with two thousand dollars.”

Two thousand? That certainly was much more than you were expecting to hear. Out of every heist you’ve done, you’d never made it out with more than a couple hundred. “You must be pretty happy with yourself then.”

His eyes flickered to you for a brief second. “Yeah,” he agreed with a slight chuckle. “Was much more too, only had a short time to gather what we could ‘fore the law came down on us.”

“That’s a shame,” you commented. “Sounds like you needed an extra hand after all.” You remembered that little conversation John had with them.

He turned his full attention to you now, however still avoided looking at your face. “John’s too young n’ headstrong for bigger jobs right now.” He said pointedly.

“I meant me. I was gonna volunteer myself until I saw Dutch deny John.”

Arthur blinked in surprise. “Oh, uh…why didn’t ya anyway?”

You shrugged, leaning back a little to stare at the sky. “I figured he’d say no anyway. And I know you three are perfectly capable without an extra hand.”

He hummed softly in response. There was a moment of silence before he spoke again. “I don’t think he’d say no. I woulda vouched for ya anyway.”

You smiled at his comment, lifting your head to look at him again. “Thanks, but I’m sure John would have been pissed if he heard that.”

He let out a soft chuckle. “Ah, he’s still a kid. He’d get over it.”

“True,” you agreed with a giggle of your own. “Think we would have gotten away with more if I’d come along?”

Arthur gave you a crooked smile. “I think we’d get away with everything they had if you’d come along.”

You couldn’t deny that. Almost every job you’d attended ended in a successful plunder, thus earning praise from everyone in camp. You took pride in your skill even though you didn’t boast it. Dutch and Hosea saw you as one of the most productive members of the gang, of course they would have been happy for you to come along. You reminded yourself to volunteer next time despite what little Johnny Marston thought. “Guess I’ll volunteer next time, since you boys obviously need my help.” You smirked.

Arthur scoffed in response. “Hey now, that was uncalled for.” He laughed, sinking further to almost shoulder height.

You smiled at him, daring to swim a little closer. “It’s true, ya know. Pretty sure any of those other heists wouldn’t have gone as smooth if I hadn’t been there.” You commented jokingly.

“You sayin’ we ain’t as good?” Arthur asked with a quirked eyebrow, although he couldn’t hide the amusement plain on his face.

“I’m saying that some things need a woman’s touch, even robbing.” You teased, grinning widely at him.

He rolled his eyes, stretching his arms out to propel himself slowly through the water. “Think I changed my mind, with talk like that.”

It was your turn to scoff. You knew he was only fooling with you, though while he was distracted, you took a chance to raise your arm up and splash a bit of water in his direction. Splattering across his face and head, he yelped in surprise and flinched away, raising his arms in defense.

“Damnit, Y/N!” he huffed, wiping his face of the droplets. “The hell was that for?”

You chortled in response, swinging your arms behind you to swim further away. “Don’t be angry, you’re already wet!”

Despite a prick of annoyance shadowing his features, the way his lips curled into a smile told you he certainly wasn’t completely irritated. The furrow in his brow relaxed before he spoke, “You better be careful, next time I won’t be so forgivin’.”

You paused to look at him. “Oh, that’s some big talk, Arthur Morgan!” you exclaimed, changing your direction to swim toward him once again. You stopped just a few feet away, the closest you’ve gotten so far. Shooting him a smirk, you continued, “What would the scary outlaw do to me?”

“Somethin’ not nice,” he answered, the smile never leaving his face. “Don’t think you wanna find out.”

Those words posed a challenge. As childish as this was, you weren’t going to deny yourself a little bit of fun for the time being. The two of you were still shoulder height above the water. With his wide frame and thick torso, he could have easily outmatched you on solid ground.

You launched yourself forward, throwing your hands out to slap them onto his shoulders. With a swift kick to propel your body further, it provided you with enough strength to shove him completely beneath the surface. His eyes widened in surprise and terror before his face was engulfed by the somewhat turbid lake. Immediately you yanked your hands away, spinning around as fast as the weight of the water would allow. Paddling quickly away from him, the sound of splashing and spluttering filling your ears. It would only be a matter of time before he caught up to you.

Hurrying toward the shore, his nearly beastly roar soon carried across the lake. He called out your name, and you didn’t dare to look back. He was growing closer, faster than you could reach the shallows. In a few short seconds, he was on you. Thick arms wrapping around your torso and stopping you in your tracks. You squealed out in surprise, automatically wanting to break free of his embrace. Though your struggle proved useless as he was far too strong.

“Arthur!” you cried out, voice shuddering with laughter. “C’mon, lemme go!”

“Ya pushed me, woman,” he growled in your ear. “Think I’d let ya get away with that?”

You still tried to wriggle from his grasp, only further proving it as a fruitless effort. “Was worth a shot!” you said proudly, smiling widely.

Expecting him to serve the same fate, you shut your eyes and waited for the inevitable cold grip of the water to engulf you completely. His hands grazed across your abdomen, halting at the curves of your waistline. He paused there, prompting your curiosity.

“Arthur?”

A mere second passed and the warmth of him disappeared. Waves shifted around you in the absence of him, and you turned in confusion. He had his back facing you.

“Arthur? What’s wrong?” You inquired.

“Weren’t right for me to do that,” he answered quietly. “‘M sorry.”

You frowned in confusion. Just moments ago the two of you were playing like two kids uncaring of the world. “You didn’t scare me if that’s what you meant.”

“No,” he said flatly. “The way I grabbed ya. You’re naked, weren’t proper. Stupid o’ me…”

That hadn’t even crossed your mind. The awareness had flung out the instant you began your tomfoolery, and even now you didn’t even care. “So what?” You scoff. “Nothing happened.”

“Still ain’t right,” he grumbled, moving closer to the shore. “I shouldn’ta –“

“Arthur,” your tone sharp. “We were playing around. I don’t care if I’m clothed or not, it didn’t bother me.”

He mumbled something you couldn’t hear. There was something else on his mind. In shallower waters, more of his torso was visible, streams of water cascading down his strong back, shining beautifully in the sunlight. Your breath nearly caught at the sight, but the minor distraction hadn’t removed your original intention.

“Arthur!” You called out. “Don’t leave yet!”

He froze in place.

“Talk to me, please. What’s really wrong?”

He hadn’t uttered a single word for a full minute. He breathed in again. “Don’t matter, Y/N. Sorry for bein’ handsy with you, I shoulda known better.”

He was lying. You knew him well enough by now. You sighed heavily and stood up completely, allowing your upper torso exposed to the air. Moving a little closer, you said softly, “look at me.”

You half expected him to be stubborn and walk away. Instead, he slowly turned, his eyes fixed away from your figure. Your heart began to hammer wildly in your chest. It hadn’t been too long since your state had been graced by a man’s presence. You were confident enough to not feel shy about yourself.

Especially not around Arthur.

His eyes slowly raked up your body, finally meeting your patient gaze.

Taking another deep breath, you murmured to him, “Talk to me.”

He swallowed audibly. “It ain’t important –”

“Don’t give me that. Tell me what’s wrong please,” you interjected. “Whatever it is, I won’t be mad.”

He appeared conflicted, chewing on his bottom lip in hesitation and tearing his eyes away. “It’s, uh…” he gritted his teeth and swore to himself. “Damn it, Morgan!” He ran his hand through his damp hair in what seemed to be frustration. “It’s you.” He finally uttered.

“Me?” You repeated in confusion. “What’s wrong with me?”

“No, nothin’ ain’t wrong with you, it’s…” he trailed off, becoming more flustered with each passing second. “I…I like you, Y/N.”

Out of everything in the world, it was a confession you hadn’t expected to hear. Blood roared in your ears as your heart did somersaults beneath your ribs. Arthur Morgan, liking you? Words couldn’t formulate in your mind as everything you wanted to say disappeared just as quickly as they appeared. You wanted to say something, anything, a simple response to accommodate for your lack of reaction.

He must’ve taken your silence negatively. A deep frown appeared on his face and his head hung in defeat. As he began to turn away, your hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. He stopped at an instant, slowly lifting his head to stare into your eyes once again.

His eyes. A beautiful blue-green hue twinkling brilliantly from the sunny reflection of the lake. You observed every feature of his face, from his thick sandy colored hair, down to his chiseled, stubbled jaw. Truly such a stubborn, ruthless beast who would land a bullet between a man’s eyes only to turn around and offer you help, and dance with you on cheerful occasions. Too many days you spent admiring him from afar. Too many nights spent in crowded saloons, picking up some random cowboy to swoon and come back not completely satisfied and wishing someone else would share that hotel bed with you. Too much time wasted attempting to deny your ever growing feelings for this man.

You would never admit it out loud that Arthur Morgan had your heart, long before he even knew it.

Your lips curved into a soft smile. Sliding your hand to capture his, you sensed his hesitation when you entwined his fingers with yours. “I don’t see that as a problem.” You whispered to him.

A slew of emotion flitted through his eyes in a long-lasting moment. His lips parted in attempts to speak, only to hear him release a disjointed breath. “It is,” he said sadly.

“Why?” you pressed.

“Mary.”

Mary. That one name that plagued your dreams for far too long. Arthur had been head over heels for this high society woman who frowned upon his lifestyle. She was polite every time you’d come across her, yet you saw clearly through her façade. How difficult it was to keep your mouth shut every time she peered at you with thinly veiled judgment. “Fuck Mary,” You spat it as if reciting the vilest of curses. He stared at you in surprise. “How long has it been, Arthur? Since she left you?”

“Uh, a few months…” he mumbled.

“A few months,” you repeated. “You hold no obligation over her anymore, Arthur. She’s gone. And I’m here now.”

“I know, I know,” he sighed heavily, dipping his head yet again. “It’s stupid o’ me to even keep thinkin’ ‘bout her. Every time I’ve tried tellin’ ya, I get stuck on her. It’s jus’ hard… I don’t wanna have her on my mind no more.”

The conflict hung heavy in his voice. You couldn’t be angry with him over this; he loved Mary for reasons you could never fathom. She left him to be wed and bound to live the life she dreamed, a decision that wounded Arthur deeper than any gunshot or stab of a knife.

With your free hand, you reached up to caress his jaw, prompting him to look at you. “Then let me help you forget,” you uttered.

He blinked in silence, his eyes never leaving yours. Seconds ticked by as you watched every inner thought of his displayed plain on his face. You were worried he’d refuse, until he gave a small, simple nod.

That was all you needed. Trapping his face gently between your palms, you tilted your head up, pulling yourself closer to lay a tender kiss upon his lips. A brief moment of tension felt soon released when he melted to you, kissing you with equally returned tenderness.

He relaxed completely to your touch. Large hands made their presence upon your hips, so loosely held against your bare skin. You encouraged him by taking one step closer. The heat radiating from his body negated the cool waters surrounding you. He moved to rest his palms upon your lower back, ever so hesitant to further progress. Releasing his face to favor his neck, your arms latched to him to pull your body flush with his.

Arthur’s breath hitched, his grip tightening in reaction. He parted his lips from yours, peering into your eyes. A sweet softness reflected in his, though below the seafoam surface lurked a deeper musing.

“Been wantin’ to do that,” he murmured to you. “Guess I’m too foolish to make myself wait for so long. I’m sorry.”

You shook your head in disagreement. “I don’t think you’re foolish, you’re just too stubborn to realize your own feelings.”

He gave a singular laugh, a short and deep chortle that pulsed against your chest. “I s’pose you’re right, guess I got some catchin’ up to do.”

With a hum of response, you carded your fingers through his hair. “You’ve got all the time in the world with me, Arthur Morgan. And we’re here now, just the two of us.”

A half smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. One hand released your waistline to cup your cheek, his thumb tracing the curve of your lips. Wordlessly he drew you in for a second kiss. Moving his hand to the back of your head, his fingers tangled within your locks.

Despite his large frame, he held a certain tenderness unlike any other man you’d been with. A lack of urgency and force to indulge in a lustful night. Every blissful moment here you wanted to last forever, remaining in this lake and far from any civilization.

The kiss soon deepened, easing your tongue to invade him. He allowed you to, following your lead without a moment of hesitation. His arm encircled your waist completely, pinning you to him without excessive strength. Every subtle movement allowed you to appreciate him more and more, handling you like precious cargo rather than a sack of feed.

Fingertips thickened with callouses traced patterns along your back, a touch so feather soft your skin tingled in his wake. Trailing toward your butt beneath the surface, ghosting ever so slightly across the crest. You hadn’t been surprised by this at all. Sensing a small tinge of hesitation, you offered subtle encouragement with your own touch. Smoothing your palm along his muscular shoulder, trailing your fingers down his arm, pausing to gently grip his wrist.

He pulled his head back to look at you, a look of shame crossing his face and his mouth agape in the beginnings of what you assumed was an apology.

You however just smiled, moving his hand to rest against the curve of your butt. You watched as his eyes widened in surprise, sputtering out incomprehensible noise while his face began to show a hue of fuchsia.

Hushing him gently with a finger to his lips, you rubbed his arm soothingly. He was after all still a man, and why deny those thoughts lurking below his otherwise respectful nature? “Touch where you’d like.” You whispered to him.

An audible gulp emanated from his throat, his gaze sweeping over your face as if searching for any notion of disapproval or repulsion. When finding none, he uttered, “You sure?”

Giving a small nod, your other hand rested against his chest, running a single digit across the ridge of his collarbone. “I trust you.”

Reluctance still hinted in his face as he considered your words. His lips twitched as if to say something, though not a single sound came out. You waited quietly to see what his next move would be.

And then you felt it. The beginnings of a light caress as his palm rubbed your smooth skin. Nails scraped along the surface in a small, experimental squeeze. You giggled softly and smiled even wider, running your own hand down the midline of his chest. Admiring him from afar paled in comparison to right now, appreciating every hardened muscle you once only dreamed of holding.

The soft grip on your head disappeared entirely as the rough skin of his other hand moved slowly down your back and rested at the dip of your waist. His eyes flickered downward for a fraction of a second, taking in the plain sight of your naked breasts before looking back to you. Giving him a small nod, he moved from your waist, trailing his fingertips along the front of your torso. Carefully, he fondled one, his eyes never leaving your face. With slow progression his confidence began to grow, and you moaned encouragingly for him to continue. A delicate massage accompanied by his thumb teasing your nipple, he smiled.

“You feel so soft…” he murmured to you.

You hummed in response, thoroughly enjoying this moment. You weren’t sure how far this would go, though his touch was prompting you to explore further. From his chest down to his abdomen, enjoying every swell and plane decorating his frame, you dipped your hand beneath the surface. He tensed once you reached below his navel, although did not offer any notion of backing away. Your eyes met his, unblinking and waiting.

And so you continued further. The heat of his arousal was a stark contrast to the cool liquid surrounding him. Your fingers traced along the soft skin, observing every inch with growing interest. From the tip to the root, your hand turned to rest your palm on his hardened length. Wrapping your entire hand around it you found him to be blessed with girth.

One pump, and another, as smooth as the water would allow. Arthur’s hold on you loosened as a low moan slid from his lips. A simple sign for you to continue, thus you did. Watching his eyelids flutter and his head tilt back, a small smirk tweaked the corner of your mouth. He was soon malleable in your capable hands, his entire figure relaxing for you.

Leaning in to him, you cupped his neck and pressed your lips to his damp skin, leaving light kisses along the junction of his shoulder. His breathing heightened accompanied by a disjointed sound of surprise and pleasure. He spoke your name in a soft, low groan.

“Yes?” you answered him.

“I –” he paused, his hands returning to your body, running his fingers tantalizingly along your curves. “I wanna have you.”

Those words, the sincerity laced within them threw your heart into an erratic rhythm. Surely this was your imagination, your mind baked from being in the heat and sun for far too long. “Really? Here?” you asked quietly.

He nodded. “Like you said, we’re here now,” He replied with what you’d said to him earlier. “Might as well make the most of it, ‘less you don’t want to.”

The mere thought stoked the already smoldering embers within you, curling into a small fire. You bit your lip, weighing your considerations. Your body yearned for him; the pressure deep in your belly too incessant to ignore. Would it be worth it to wait until the two of you found a hotel to stay in, or an abandoned cabin to avoid any unwanted eyes?

However, the lakeside had been quiet for as long as you both had been out here. As unorthodox as it was, the thought of giving to your primal desires within the arms of nature’s embrace seemed invigorating. Staring deep into his awaiting eyes, you finally murmured, “Yes.”

As soon as the word passed your lips, he drew you in for another kiss. Deep and urgent, his tongue hadn’t hesitated to dance with yours. His touch grew fervent, sweeping across every curve and swell your body had to offer. One hand gravitated to your breasts, toying with each and drawing out a few muffled moans from you, while the other snaked further down. Like your own endeavor, he didn’t have trouble finding his target. Warm pads searched your folds briefly until resting upon that little bundle of nerves, creating small circles amongst your sensitive flesh. In turn, the grip you had on his cock hastened. Short and heavy breaths pierced the air as he pulled back, muttering out a swear.

Arthur’s movements soon became erratic, his fingers dancing feverishly against your nub. It didn’t take long for the fire to erupt into a blazing inferno, coiling stronger and tighter with each passing second. You panted out his name, gripping his shoulder for support as pleasure rolled through your body. Eagerly he moved to your entrance, testing it briefly before sinking two digits in. You weren’t sure if you were truly that wet or if the water aided his entry, but the thought quickly swept from your mind the moment he pumped his fingers in and out. You could have melted then and there if he wasn’t supporting you.

Closing your eyes, your mind soon became too addled to focus. The pressure within your core bubbled and threatened to burst. Your head tilted back and moaned your pleasure to the heavens, the fleeting arrival of your climax exploding through every inch of your body. Nails melded into flesh as he coaxed the final waves from you, your lips gasping out his name.

“Arthur…” you groaned, your heart racing. “My God, you know your way with a woman.”

“That surprise you?” he asked with a proud smirk.

Your prickling curiosity as to how far he went with Mary was not something you wanted to delve further into, yet Arthur was a young and handsome man. You’d witnessed him catch the eye of willful saloon women more than once. His handle on you lacked the clumsy and blunt nature of a virgin. “How about you show me further?” you prompted, your hand still resting against his length. Trailing your fingernails along the underside, you watched as his entire body shuddered.

“Mm, gladly…” he growled to you, moving his hands to grip your thighs. Without hesitation you wrapped your legs around his waist, your arms following suit to his neck. He seemingly had no issue supporting your weight, wading through the water until your back rested against a warm, gritty surface. He’d placed you on a rock, and soon released you to straighten up, peering at you with a gleam in his eye. “Turn ‘round.”

You listened without hesitation, immediately understanding what he wanted. Sinking partly back into the water, you turned away from him and bent over, swaying your hips at him. A growl of satisfaction rumbled from him, his rough hands taking place on your hips. The heat of his arousal pressed against the divide of your ass, rubbing it along your soft skin.

Soon he honed in for your lower lips, prodding your entrance once before pushing his way in. You gasped; the pressure surprising at first. His girth stood true, expanding your inner walls further than you anticipated. Hips flush with your butt, he pulled back and drove into you, erasing any prior thoughts from your mind. The pressure was soon replaced with pleasure provided by his unrelenting thrusts.

Swearing out loud, your fingers scrambled on the rock to ground yourself. He was not offering any leeway, using you to his advantage. His grip was tight, deep enough to definitely leave bruises. He groaned and growled, whispering how well you were taking him.

Such talk wasn’t foreign to you, yet hearing it from Arthur created a new thrill. You arched your back for him, allowing nature to hear your song. The subtle change of angle brought a greater difference, allowing the tip of his cock to drag along that spot.

You gasped out his name, your eyes rolling as another coil of fire burned with fury within you. It wouldn’t be much longer until he ripped a second climax from you. Still you clung to that rock as if for dear life while he took every inch. His speed and precision were pushing you closer and closer to the edge with each passing second.

“Shit,” he grunted, voice wavering from his movement. His fingers made their presence known between your legs, rubbing you with vigor. “C’mon, girl,” he coaxed in that lovely baritone voice. “Give it to me.”

Oh Lord, how could you not give to him? That last command was all you needed to bend to his whim. Much more explosive than the first, your legs trembled and your back arched even more as it overtook every part of your body. Every being within the immediate area knew his name, you calling it out like a prayer.

With a noise of satisfaction he gripped your hips again, driving himself even faster, milking your orgasm of every last drop. A string of expletives fell from your mouth. “Arthur – fuck!” you huffed, attempting to halt the trembling overtaking your muscles. You stiffened against the rock, your skin catching somewhat uncomfortably though you didn’t care at that moment. Your eyes rolled from the sky to the trees to the shore, though focusing on nothing.

Until something caught your eye. Something along the sandy terrain that wasn’t there before. You blinked, ripping yourself back to clarity. Searching for it again, your gaze landed on it directly. A person standing just yards away, fixated on the two of you. It only took half a second to realize it was John Marston.

Your heart dropped into your stomach. Where the hell did he come from? “Arthur –” you grunted, mustering up as much breath as you could despite him pounding into you. “Arthur, stop!”

He halted immediately. “Wh-what’s wrong?” he breathlessly asked.

“Someone’s watching.” You hissed, your head twitching toward the shore.

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see his face twist in confusion. He followed your line of sight and the bewilderment was quickly swept away with surprise. “Marston?” he pulled out of you immediately. “What the hell –”

You hid yourself better behind the rock. Turning your head, you looked just in time to see a conniving grin spread across John’s face. He turned and grabbed a pile of clothes – Arthur’s – off the ground. “Payback, Morgan!”

As the teen darted towards the trees, Arthur’s growl of anger sounded over you, followed by the splashing of water. You watched as Arthur stormed toward the shore, attempting to go as fast as he could. “Get back here, damnit!” he roared, finally reaching solid ground. Butt naked and his wet skin shining in the sun, he briefly stopped to yank his boots on before sprinting after John, who had disappeared amongst the shrubs already.

Arthur soon also disappeared into the woods, his shouts soon becoming muffled by the thick canopy above. John’s laughter grew further away. You waited, listening to their voices growing more distant. You pondered whether or not to try and help, but two naked people running through the woods certainly wouldn’t remedy the situation, and getting dressed would just waste time.

John hadn’t touched your clothes, only Arthur’s. Perhaps the young teenager was putting revenge over whatever Arthur said to him earlier. Typical sibling behavior as it were, you thought with a small smirk to yourself.

A few more minutes ticked by while you were wrapped in silence. You hadn’t heard either of them, and wondered how far John got, or if Arthur managed to catch up to him. Your unasked question was answered when the rustling of leaves and branches caught your attention. The sharp crunch of boots snapping twigs soon revealed Arthur, disgruntled and still very nude, though his body was peppered with forest debris.

You had to admit, as good as he looked, the sight of his defeated face and in nothing but his boots was quite amusing.

“What’re you smilin’ at?” He grumbled as he made his way to the water, kicking his boots off with unneeded force.

You started to giggle, standing straight to gesture to him as a whole. “Never thought I’d see Arthur Morgan running after a kid, stark naked!”

The scowl he gave you was heated, though didn’t faze your ever growing laughter. “Yeah well, don’t get used to it.” He huffed, breaking the surface to slide back in.

“Couldn’t catch him huh?” You chuckled.

He sighed heavily. “Lil’ shit got to the road. I had to stop chasin’ him or else give an unwanted show to some passin’ stagecoaches.”

That only prompted a harder laugh. “What, I’m sure someone aboard them would’ve appreciated it!”

With a scoff, Arthur sank further into the water, attempting to wash the debris from his body. “Now I’m stuck here without clothes. How am I gonna get back to camp without people seein’ me like this?”

The mere thought of it brought even more amusement to you. Arthur trying to sneak into camp, probably holding his hat over himself in attempts to cling to a shred of his dignity. No one in camp would let him live that down.

“Well, John didn’t steal my clothes,” you pointed out, gesturing toward the rock where your garments still lay out. “I can run back and grab yours, if you want.”

“Like I got a choice,” he mumbled dejectedly. “Jus’ hurry, will ya?”

“Sure,” you say, making your way to land and stepping out into the hot air once again. “Can’t let anyone see big bad Arthur Morgan stuck out here in his natural state!” you cackled.

#Arthur Morgan x reader #Arthur Morgan #Arthur Morgan x reader smut #young Arthur Morgan #trying something new to add flair to my posts

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