#like no legit it makes me sick cause i just remember the film and i lose my appetite

[hauntedknightwalker]

(Clasps my hands together in front of my face with a heavy sigh)

Red flag has circulated non stop in my mind for a while because 1) the song is catchy and 2) ppl wont stop bringing it up to me and im like PLEASE LET ME BREATHE I BEG YOU

Its not even about red flag, its about fucking human centipede. Most ppl who talk to me about it make fun jokes and im like “bro have you seen this film” and when they say no, i say “cool ok DONT WOOBIFY IT IT IS GENUINELY HORRIFYING AND DISGUSTING”

I WANT A BREAK! I dont CARE how cheesy the film is!!!! I dont CARE that the tom cardy video is funny (which it is)!!! STOP BRINGING IT UP TO ME I STG I WILL START RIPPING DRY WALL WITH MY OWN HANDS

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

"Heeey, you're alive!!"

"Ugh, finally made it out of my house!!"

Evan leans in to hug me and stops short "is it safe?" He asks with a smirk.

I playfully swat him on the arm with the back of my hand and giggle "get outta here"

The hug happens anyway. And it lasts longer and holds tighter than expected. I let it happen, cause I don't necessarily mind it.

We pull away and I plop down on Evan's couch and start setting up my laptop. I've been Evan's assistant for a little under a year now. We have known each other for several years. I used to tease him that he needed to hire me when he would tell me stories about locking himself out of his house or forgetting to mail important contracts and having to jump through hoops to fix the issue. I have been horribly ill for the last four days and I'm finally feeling well enough to leave my house and do some assisting to this handsome hunk of a friend of mine. I tell him he's lucky he's cute when he has me running around crazy for him. But, he treats me well and pays me even when I'm so sick I can't leave my bed. He even door dashed me meals for 4 days.

"Evan, I can't thank you enough for going out of your way to send me groceries and food the last few days. You really are very kind." I smile at him

"oh, no problem. I would have come over, but I'm in the middle of filming and just can't afford to get sick. That sounds terrible considering how sick you were and all..."

"No, I get it. You didn't have to care at all and you did much more than most people would have. I'm very grateful."

He nods his head "happy to"

"So, what do we need to catch up on? Have you signed that one contract you were sitting on. It had a expiry day, yea?"

"Oh, shit...."

I laugh out loud. "Good Lord, dude. It's good thing you hired me"

He finishes the sentence with me, playfully mocking what he's heard a million times. I rummage through some papers on his coffee table and find the contract shoved in with some mail. I can't really blame the guy. He does have a lot on his plate these days. I set the contract aside.

"Ok, make sure you sign this today. It's here."

Just then his phone rings and I've lost him to the other side of his condo. The unsigned paper sitting in it's quiet little spot on the coffee table.

A bit later, Evan emerges from his den and asks if I'm hungry. I say sure. I walk in the kitchen and he has fruit and other healthy snacks laid out for us to pick from. We start talking.

I suddenly remember something "Oh, I didn't tell you! Remember my friend with the baby that was going through chemo and then her brother suddenly passed away? She got a call yesterday morning that her entire medical bill was paid and then her mom found out all funeral expenses were paid and then today there was a check in her mailbox for like 20 grand. When she took it to the bank, they told her it was legit, but get this..all of it was anonymous."

He raises his eyebrows "Holy shit! That's amazing. What a relief, huh?"

"Yea, no shit. I didn't know you could anonymously send checks to someone. But, I was so happy I cried with her on the phone. She's so excited cause now she can go on vacation with her husband and relax"

"Oh, yea. You told me she wanted to do that. That's really great" he manages a closed smile while he's chewing.

"Ugh, I'd better get back to work. Thanks for the food...once again"

He winks at me and for a second the playfulness I feel for his handsome face becomes a little more real. Things feel different, but I can't explain why. I fluff it off and pull up Spotify on my laptop. I need upbeat music, so I decide on Panic! At the Disco " A fever you can't sweat out"

After a bit of working and singing along, I get the urge to look up. When I do, Evan is leaning against the doorway and he's just watching me. When my eyes meet his, he suddenly gets awkward. It's a pretty obvious reaction. It's enough to make my heart flutter.

"Um...is the music too loud? Sorry."

"No!! No. It's fine." His face gets flushed.

"I-uh...."

My phone rings this time. It's a reminder alarm I set for myself.

"Oh shit I forgot about this appt I made. I don't know how long this will take...."

"Why don't you head home after and get some more rest. It's all good."

"Are you sure?"

"Yea for sure. See you tomorrow"

"You're amazing" we smile at each other.

----

I walk out into the crisp air after the appt ends. As I'm heading to my car, I spot a mailbox in the corner of the parking lot. Oh shit, that fucking contract.

I drive back to Evan's condo and walk in the front door. He's not in his living room. I grab the contract off the coffee table and walk into his kitchen. I can see his den from there and his door is closed over but not latched. I step up to the door, ready to knock, when I stop short. I can hear he's watching something on his computer. It takes me a second to realize why my brain told me to freeze. There are obvious sexual noises coming from the speakers. Im frozen there. I can't move. What do I do? I can't stop myself from slowly positioning myself so I can see through the crack of the door. Sure enough, Evan is sitting in his chair, watching porn on his computer and his face says it all. I can vaguely make out his arm flexing. My jaw drops as I hear him yelp and then my name leaves his lips with a croak that I can only describe as the sexiest sound I've ever heard. Whatever the woman on the screen is doing to the man has him screaming and watching it has made Evan cum and scream my name. Some softer yelps and a few curses come out as his head falls back against his chair. He's sweaty and so fucking sexy.

Ohmygodohmygod what do I do now. Think fast.

I run away from the door and run as quietly as I can to his front door. I open it and slam it as I'm calling his name.

"Evan, I forgot the contract!!!!"

I hear fumbling coming from the den and he emerges, trying to wipe sweat from his forehead. I almost laugh as he walks to his kitchen sink and starts washing his hands.

He's flushed as he looks at me. He looks relaxed, but a bit guilty.

"you ok?" I ask

"oh, yea. Good. Good. Wheres the paper?"

"Here." I hand it to him to sign.

As he's signing my phone rings. It's my friend, so I answer it

"you are never going to believe this. I couldn't find out who sent that money, but I bribed the lady at the billing office with 100 dollars if she would give me initials. I'm trying to figure out who I know with the initials E.T.P......"

She's still talking as my breathing gets rapid and I have to grab the dining chair to stay upright. I drop my phone and Evan, having heard my reaction turns around and grabs me by the waist thinking I'm about to fall.

"What the fuck is happening?" Evan says with concern on his face.

I grab his face and press my mouth to his. He relaxes into me and pulls my waist up against his. Our tongues colliding.

oh this was a rollercoaster + we had a PATD! mention...

[punchy-mchurtyfist]

Squash Amber Rainy Zipper 🎃🥊

Are there any traditions you participate in this time of year? - I used to go trick or treating when I was a babbu but now I guess I more or less just celebrate my own way by having family over and watching a bunch of cheesy Halloween movies like Halloweentown and Hocus Pocus, and my fav movie as a kid Nightmare Before Christmas!

How do you prefer to spend a rainy day? - Depending on the temperature I'll be out there in it! Not on cold days cause I'd rather not catch my death, but being out in the rain on a hot day is as close to heaven as you can get I think

my favorite scary book or movie? - I love movies, especially horror movies they're just like the snacks of the film world, you know its bad for you and prolly make u feel sick but they're just so GOOD. My absolute favorite horror movie is The Thing, I saw the poster for it first and thought it as absolutely genius, I have it hung up on my wall even! The movie itself is fantastic like a whodunnit with aliens and the practical effects still hold up today, plus the way the Thing(tm) looks after its been found out with all the meat tentacles and body horror super remind me of the game Parasite Eve, one of my fav horror games! That I probably played when I was way too young!

Any favorite costumes or future ideas for cosplay? - I used to love to dress up when I was younger but I was also poor as shit so they were never anything outstanding, I still remember the year I just like went as a zombie but all I did was rip up some old clothes and wore mom's makeup. LMAO

And I've never cosplayed before, but I would love to! Especially some of my fav characters, like Serizawa from MP100 is literally so much like me its nuts and all I'd have to do is get a nice looking suit, lmao. I'd also love to cosplay Hol Horse from Jojo cause he's my fav character, super legit strong (when paired w someone else) and funny, and I admire the way he still has this steadfast confidence altho he sucks shit.

[dex-xe]

I’ve made Spotify playlists inspired by each of the ghosts and I’ve made these little written pieces to talk about them. if you wanna read them, please go ahead - if not then enjoy the music!!

This is Pat's playlist:

Dancing In the Dark - Bruce Springsteen

A 1984 hit that Pat definitely would have loved, it’s brilliant tbh.

I Will Follow You into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie

Poor Pat. I feel so sorry for him having to leave his family so young, like as someone who lost a parent very young (although I’m assuming slightly older than Daley would’ve been) it breaks my heart to see Pat’s family turn up at Button House. I’ve been to the place my parent died a number of times since and every time it makes me feel kinda sick. It’s an interesting idea for the show to explore, sometimes I forget just how dark this show actually is but like it’s a comedy but it’s literally about the trauma of death like???

Kids In America - Kim Wilde

I too adore Kim Wilde, Pat.

Dance With Me - Alphaville

RIP Pat Butcher you would’ve loved this song. Like Pat’s a dancing king as has been shown in ALN (one of my favourite episodes O.o) and that’s legit one of my favourite scenes where Pat and the Captain are arguing on the dance floor. I say “naff off, you wazzock” more than is socially acceptable XD

Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond

Pat was obviously a fan of Sweet Caroline, man was a DJ extraordinaire and a huge football fan therefore obvious. It’s kinda weird to imagine Pat at the local game on a Sunday afternoon but like he definitely did, maybe he took Daley a few times. More of Pat’s life please, Parent Pat plsss.

Radio Ga Ga - Queen

The Grey Lady is one of my absolute favourite episodes cause I think ghosts hunters are a really great concept for an episode and Pat trying to host a radio show is just so incredibly funny. Pat’s little “apologies to those still waiting for the pop quiz” is just so good. But yeah, radio guy.

Video Killed The Radio Star - The Buggles

More radio references but also, I think Pat (and Julian as well) are most indicative of the increasingly rapid passage of time through technology. Like when Pat’s like”knocks the socks off Betamax!!” And Julian says “that must be two CD noms max” or something (I can’t remember exactly what he says). There’s a thing called Moore’s Law that states that technology doubles in capability and halves in price every two years (I know that’s not right but that’s the basic gist don’t come at me) but that means that growth in technological accessibility is increasing at a more rapid pace every year. Anyway, I think watching Pat and Julian struggle with modern technology is so fascinating cause they’re so different to today despite only living a few decades ago.

Together In Electric Dreams - Phil Oakey & Giorgio Moroder

Pat would’ve just missed this and honestly big sad. Such a cheesy song and just pure 80s cringe and I adore it XD But yeah, “we will always be together”.

Dancing in the Moonlight - Toploader

I put this on so many character playlists (I have literally hundreds of private character playlists on my personal spotify, there’s legitimately tons) because it’s just a nice song and yeah, Pat would love it :D

Alright - Supergrass

This was more placed here as something for Pat’s scouts. Like the song is so often used to show young people having fun and being care-free and I just love the image of Pat driving the scouts out into the country and it being a superrrrr long drive and then finally they get off the bus and just run free with this song playing. I loved being in Scouts and most of the Masters were so much fun and I just really wanna see more of Pat making sure his scouts have a great time!!

Come On Eileen - Dexys Midnight Runners

(Dexys Midnight Runners are actually the reason behind my username on here…) But yeah just the 80s personified this song. And I hope your proud of me for not making the classic Australian Radio joke I always make when this song comes up… XD

December, 1963 (Oh What A Night) - Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons

Pat was born in 1945/6, right?? Well then he would’ve turned 18 in 1963. I always forget that Pat was not just an 80s guy like he was a teen in the 50s and 60s and then in his 20s in the 70s like that’s sick!! But yeah sorry, this is just a great song!!

(Feels Like) Heaven - Fiction Factory

Pat, my guy. My heart breaks in that scene where Pat really thinks he’s going to heaven. My. Heart. Breaks. I’m assuming the ghosts don’t know what happens when you “move on” but Pat immediately assumes upon seeing a bright light that that’s it for him?? Maybe it’s just based on films and pop culture that he’s aware of?? Or maybe it’s just because he was emotional and had had a massive revelation of sorts and assumed he would move on??

You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real) - Jimmy Somerville

Just a good song againnnnnnnnn, but also since Alison turning up like how incredible would it be to finally have a living breathing human who you can talk to. Like how real would that make you feel?? Like okay Jimmy, come back to me once you've been dead 40 years and meet a woman who half died and can now see you, then that's real!! XD

Don’t You (Forget About Me) - Simple Minds

I feel like Pat more than anyone is concerned about being forgotten but is also one of the least likely to be forgotten for the time being. Like he has a whole family who won’t forget him for at minimum two generations in addition to God knows how many scouts who will clearly not forget him. He passed on skills that they will pass on to others who will pass on to others like one day his name will be forgotten but not what he imparted onto the world. Okay got philosophical but yeah, you shan’t be forgotten any time soon Pat!!

Top Gun Anthem - Harold Faltermeyer & Steve Stevens

A great film, good choice Pat.

Wake Me Up Before You Go Go - Wham!

1980s icon George Michael. Just a fun song.

Somewhere in My Heart - Aztec Camera

Pat still loves Carol despite what she did to him… That is either an incredibly emotionally mature man or a man in denial who knows?? But this song is just so lovely, like it feels very pure and uncomplicated if that makes sense.

I’m Still Standing - Elton John

Having just said that, I feel like this is part is just kind of a fuck you. Like just a moment to be like ‘i’m still living (hehe dying) a good life (hehe death) despite what you did to me.'

The Wanderer - Status Quo

This is the song that plays when Pat gets into the bus after being shot. It’s basically just about being a player and hitting on loads of women, so not particularly relevant but it’s still a good song and I genuinely find that scene really eerie and yeah, *shudder* just find it weird.

[chimswae]

BTS Caretaker CH15

Summary: She may think she has Bangtan Sonyeondan wrapped around her fingers. She may think it is easy to love the members equally without hurting any soul. She may think the boys wont fall head over heels for her. She assumes it is okay to show a little love and affection towards the boys, what if she gets it all wrong? What if it only brings more complication to her already complicated life? Can she survive their charms? Will she be able to resist them? What if they just wont let her go?

- Pairing: BTS x Oc ( Yoongi x OC, Jungkook x OC)

- Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst, Romance, Idol!au

- Word Count: 3,873

- Author Note:Late update again hmm i was a little busy these days with work ;(  i appreciate your feedback and comment, just drop in my ASK BOX :)

Previous | Next

Chapter 15

“The filming is delayed so stay in bed” Jin sunk beside sick Hoseok, giving the younger guy a stern look. A look that killed any of the members whenever they disobeyed him. Hoseok sat up with Jin’s help, resting his back against the headboard “ I don’t think this is a big deal, I still can make it out through the filming” he murmured groggily.

“Bang PD is the one who gives the order. If you happen to have any complain, direct it to Bang PD” Yoongi walked in with a tray of chicken porridge and a glass of water.

Hoseok pursed his lips in disapproval not liking this at all “I don’t want to become the reason that everyone has to put their job at halt. I can film our music video today” his brows pinched together showing his protest.

Annoyed, Yoongi handed the food to Jin with an unknowingly scary glare rendered them speechless “And isn’t it selfish to say you are healthy when you are not? It was not a big deal; the filming can be pushed forward but not your health. Think of how to heal faster first then only you complain. Eat up and stop sulking” clicking his tongue, he left the room leaving Jin and Hoseok dumbfounded.

There was a moment of silence before Jin spoke up “You do realize, Yoongi is saying the right thing, aren’t you? Do not overthink Hobi. Today’s filming is meant to be pushed forward anyways, fret not there were problems with the locations. So, they had to make an amendment on that” he assured.

“Fine..” the sick boy grumbled in annoyance. Jin fed the younger guy patiently with affection and great attention. Whenever one of the boys’ fall sick, they would sometimes turn into an adorable baby. Even the I-don’t-give-a-damn Min Suga will be the cutest out of all them. Hoseok finished the porridge without much trouble, though most of time Jin had to force the food down his throat but he was able to eat all of it.

“Hyung.. Is it true the caretaker lady took care of me?”

“Yes, Seul was here when you passed out. But she left before I could thank her properly. I have no idea why she was in rush” Jin’s lips were pressed together into thin line. To be frank, yesterday he hoped to see Seul even for a little while. Upon his arrival, he was welcomed by an empty house and small note from Seul.

She was obeying the contract that her mother had with the company a little too serious.

Hoseok hummed softly “I remember a woman’s voice though I could not have a good look of her face that time. I wish to meet her and thank her one day. I thought you have her number? Can’t you request her to come here?”

“I did try, but she refused to meet us. She is obeying the terms in the contract. We are not supposed to have any kind of contact with our caretaker, but I eventually broke one of the terms by contacting her through messages”

“She doesn’t cause any harm well at first we though she was a sasaeng. Since her story matched with the original caretaker ahjumma, I trust her” Hoseok’s eyes glimmered with hope. How can this guy have trusted a stranger so easily? Come to think about it, he had not met Seul face-to-face.

The older guy had a small smile at the corner of his lips “I trust Seul too..” his heart hopped slightly at the mere mention of her name. Oh, why was that?

Jin fixed the pillow under him, and laid Hoseok down with a satisfied now “Now, rest. I will wake you up in few hours, so you can eat your medicine” he pressed the back of his palm against Hoseok’s hot forehead.

“Stop pampering me like a baby” he whined weakly accompanied by a soft cough at the end.

Smirking, Jin glared at his way “Arent you one?” Hoseok snuggled under the blanket to find warmth as he nodded weakly without complaint. He felt too weak to even open his eyes, for some reason his eyelids felt super heavy. It must be the food and unnecessary nagging from Min Yoongi.

“Call me if you need anything, sleep Hobi” he patted the top of his head before exiting Hope’s room with the empty bowl.

 ------------------

Pacing back and forth in front of Bangtan’s place, Seul growled in disapproval thinking of what she had gotten herself into. Her mother made her skip her job today just because she was concerned of Jhope’s condition. She was not supposed to open her loud mouth and spilled everything to her mother just now. Now, she had to be the delivery girl for the day, running errands for her mother.

 “Deliver this to the boys” placing a bag full of variety containers come from different sizes in front of clueless Seul, she shot her mother a questionable look.

Seul puffed her cheeks “Mom, I have work. I will be late, can’t you make Hoon do the job?” she suggested, rejecting the request.

“He will not be back until tonight. Can you do me a favour and deliver this food to the boys. Drop everything that you do, I am sure you friend can cover it up for you. Plus, poor Hobi is sick, at this time he needs a comfort food for that dry throat” she sighed.

She gawked at her mom’s reply trying to decipher this absurdity “Mom, you do realize Hoseok has six boys to look after him, right? And, Jin knows how to cook that so called comfort food. Leave him do the job”

“That is totally different! Jin’s cook is alright but it is not enough for Hobi’s body. What he needs right now is a healthy food. I cooked chicken ginseng and porridge for him to savour. And others can share it together in this cold weather”

“You are unbelievable mother! What happen with the so called ‘the caretaker is not allowed to have any contacts with the boys’. This is a breach of contract!” she grew defensive.

Her mother shook her head with a soft huff “The term was breached long ago when you got caught by Yoongi-ah, so we might as well use this chance to meet them nonetheless. Besides, Jinnie contacted me last time to get me your number, so since we all have come to this..There is nothing we can do” Seul looked baffle, and out of sudden she felt victimized. Not that, she exposed herself voluntarily to the boys until she was caught by Min Yoongi. Things just turned out to be this way.

“I am not doing this”

“You are left with no choice”

“MOM WHY” she flailed her arms in disagreement almost too childish, but Seul did it anyway.

Her mother chuckled “Because I am your mother, now go wash up and deliver this before it gets cold! Don’t forget to hand this to them by hand, do not place it in front of their doorstep. I am warning you Ji Seul” Seul cringed when her mother voiced out the plan that she had in her mind out loud. She really should not underestimate her mother.

 “Should I press the button or just leave it here” she mumbled under her sharp breath. After struggling for few more minutes, Seul had finally decided to just leave the food at the doorstep, pressed the bell and quickly escaped before anyone saw her. Yes, that sounded legit.

Carefully, Seul set down the purple bag one the ground not wanting to garner any attention. Taking a deep breath, she pressed the small button softly until she heard a loud ding “Okay run” she chewed her lower lips nervously.

Just when Seul thought the plan the she executed was a success, her body flew backwards crashing onto a hard yet soft surface. She hissed softly at the sudden impact behind her, “What in the world…” someone was grabbing her ponytail.

“Where do you think you are going” again that familiar voice whom caused enough mess to her heart is back. His other hand was holding onto her hoodie, making it hard for her to turn around and glare at the culprit.

Yoongi smug watching Seul struggled in his strong grip “Nice to meet you again Seul-ssi, it is not nice to leave before you can even say hi” with that, he dragged the poor girl inside by her ponytail. Despite using that kind of approach in forcing the girl inside, Yoongi made sure not to use force on her hair, afraid that it might hurt her. Not to forget, he used his free hand to grab the bag full of food left by Seul earlier and locked the door behind him with a mischievous smirk plastered across his face.

“MIN FRIGGIN YOONGI. LET MY HAIR GO YOU FOOLISH MAN”

“Did you just call me Min Yoongi?”

“Then should I call you Min Foolish?” Seul said sarcastically. His grip loosening around her ponytail and without wasting any time, Seul turned her heels facing the devil in the mask. She was fuming with anger, as her nose scrunched up cutely following her heavy breathing.

Amused, Yoongi tilted his head, stared boringly at Seul’s direction with a playful smirk “Cute..” he blurted out of nowhere.

“Excuse me?” She frowned.

“I said you are cute” he stated one more time without any hint of embarrassment. Seul was creeped out by Yoongi bipolar attitude. One second he was acting like a dictator, and another second he’s blabbering some nonsense like right now. Compliment and Min Yoongi did not sound like a good combination to her.

Seul cleared her throat trying to not be affected by his empty words “Whatever. I am leaving. My mother wanted me to deliver those food for Hoseok-ssi. I am done with my task, so please excuse me” Seul was ready to leave. This was not supposed to happen, meeting Min Yoongi and being in the same room as his was the biggest sin ever.

Yoongi caught her wrist before she could pursue her intention in leaving him “We have a lot to talk about” he eyed the girl painfully deep, melting her bones like a fragile vanilla ice cream. Oh no, she vowed to herself to not fall for his gaze. Now her heart is acting up again because of him.

“Like wh-at” she squeaked shyly under his strong gaze.

“First thing first…When will you stop excluding me from the meals that you prepared for us?” he questioned.

“I don’t know”

“I am an impatient man”

“I know”

“So you know. What else you know about me?” Yoongi straightforwardness took Seul off guard. Every time she was confronted by him, her body seemed like to have a mind of its own. Seul would either embarrass herself in front of him or spilling out the truth which she didn’t intend to.

“………..”

“Again, I am impatient, Seul-ssi” he took the chance to take a few steps closer to stiff Seul who showed no sign of wanting to escape. Yoongi ran his finger over her wrist softly, stroking it painfully slow in a teasing manner causing her to shudder under his touch.

“We will get back to that later then”

Stood super close and handsomely in front of Seul was Min Yoongi, he leaned down to whisper those word in her ears. Her breath hitched at the slight contact of his lips against her skin “Secondly, the kisses. Why you kissed me that day and why were you kissing me back?” his thumb grazed her wrist and inched further along her cold arm.

The kisses that the shared previously had been haunting her and so did Yoongi. “Who else know about that” she tried to not let her squeaky voice sounded too weak in his ears.

“No one but us… How is it important to you that no one knows about this?”

“You are an idol, I don’t want to ruin your image. The kisses were a mistake. I was not myself” Seul retorted with a heavy sigh. She feared if anyone knew about this, they might use it to spread some malicious rumours.

Yoongi moved his hand to encircle it around Seul’s waist, “But, I was myself that day” he hummed lowly. Her knees weakened, heart pumping loudly and her heart had been spinning round and round due to this closeness. Anything that came out from Yoongi’s mouth bounced out from her messy brain. The adrenaline rush inside her was so real.  

On the other hand, Yoongi loved the smell of her shampoo, her perfume and her soft skin against him. Everything about Seul was intoxicating, like his mind reacted to its own with her presence around him.

He squished her waist closer, brushing his lips at the side of her neck which frustrated her further “I am excited to see you again Seul. It was sooner than I thought” she clenched her fist as her mind was having a battle. A battle that she could never win, a battle that could change everything in her life.

“I..have to g…o” she palmed Yoongi chest to push him away and she found herself blushing at her own boldness.

He mentally complimented Yeoul again careful this time not to sound too obvious. In some situation it could not be helped especially when it was related to Seul. Yoongi let out a low chuckle, his voice alone could cause pointless uproar inside her heart “What if I want you to stay..” he teased.

Again, it rendered her speechless. Why most of the time she turned into a clueless and dumb girl in front of Bangtan, Yoongi was the major problem here.

Gathering her courage to answer Yoongi and left for good, Seul looked up only to be welcomed by Yoongi small yet alluring lips near her eye level. She tore her eyes from staring too long at that one particular part “I don’t think-“ her sentence was cut off by Jin’s voice.

“Who are you talking to Yoong” the sound if his footsteps were approaching them closer, and like a flash Yoongi quickly settled down, releasing Seul from his grasp. He missed the warmth of Seul’s body already.

Yoongi coughed a little easing the heavy lump on his throat “It is Seul” he said.

“OH? SEUL IS HERE” Jin eyes glimmered in happiness and Yoongi found it was sore to his sight. Why would Jin felt extremely happy to see Seul around? How close they were with each other?

Giving no time to flustered Seul recovered from Yoongi’s weird antic, she bowed politely at Jin with a nervous smile “Jin..i am here to deliver food from my mother. She was worried when she found out Hoseok-ssi fall sick. Can you pass the food to him?” Jin nodded.

“Ahjumma cooked for Hobi? That is nice of her, thank you Seul-ah” Yoongi cringed at their informality making him wonder how things escalated fast between both of them but not him and Seul.

Seul smiled genuinely “There is enough food for everyone and this time Yoongi-ssi is included” Jin’s sense the tense in her voice as she watched them both exchanged a weird signal. A sharp tug of jealousy pulled at Jin. Odd, yet he really felt that way.

“Thank you again Seul-ah for taking care of Hobi yesterday. We are sorry he is troubling you. Anyway, he really wanted to thank you personally, but he is fast asleep. I will let him know that you come with food” his handsome face lit up as is he in love. Again, Min Yoongi was sharp enough to notice the difference in the way Jin reacted around Seul.

“Ah it is nothing. I hope he gets better. I need to go now, I will just urm.. see you around I guess, since we ended up meeting each other now and then” she tucked the strand of hair behind her ear like a shy fangirl.

Does she act that way with every man! Yoongi yowled in his head, looking extremely pissed at the other side. Jin walked passed Yoongi and led Seul to the door “See you around Seul-ah, get back safely!” he chuckled.

“Urm.. yes.. good bye” she left without turning back most likely she feared herself. The feelings that she had for the two men were undeniably disturbing. Now, that she met almost everyone in Bangtan, what else could happen.

 --------------

On her forehead a frown which had taken the shape of a deep horizontal line as her hand was moving in straight line wiping the glass window mindlessly. The frown stayed constantly in place ever since she left Bangtan’s place few hours ago. It was an evident of her discomfort. Seul tended to overthink and it was seriously an illness if she prolonged it.

At the corner, Wongeun and Hwasa were watching the girl closely with a wary look. Not that they wanted to be nosy, however Seul seemed a little off for the whole day. Being a concern friend, they were, Wongeun decided to inquire her after they were done with their work later on.

Seul emitted a soft sigh, finally gathering her sense back ‘Okay get your head together Ji Seul. It is just stupid tingly feeling that tries to mess up with your brain, you are doing fine’ she coaxed her heart. With that last heave, she averted her attention to the already sparkly glass in front of her. She must have spent at least ten minutes there wiping the same area all over again.

She straightened her body and rose from the chair, allowing her gaze drift slowly from the scene in front of her. The corner of her eyes caught a figure beyond the glass holding an expensive camera at her way. To her utter astonishment, the man was snapping a photo of her that caused her to feel displeased at the scene before her.

What is he doing. She placed the old rag on the table and squinted her eyes to get a better look. Indeed, the man in that grey hoodie was too engrossed in his photo taking and he snapped a photo of her. Seul did not want to sound delusional but he was being too obvious.

Inhaling a deep breath, Seul exited the store leaving Wongeun and Hwasa clueless. The man stood not far from the shop she was working and immediately kept his camera down with his eyes wide upon realizing Seul few feet from him.

“Excuse me, did you just take a photo of me?”

The man was panicking as he didn’t expect he got caught this sooner, his free hand was clutching onto a small sketchbook that he used to bring whenever he’s out along with his precious camera. He gulped, “I am sorry” he apologized timidly.

“I understand you are into photography, but I want you to respect people’s privacy. I don’t like my photos being taken by strangers” Seul crossed her arms eyeing the fully covered man before her. Even though she thought his eyes reminded her of someone, but she thought it was just her eyes messing up with her.

The man hung his head lowly in embarrassment “I just thought you are beautiful. I am sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable” he sighed deeply.

His compliment flattered her, however it wouldn’t change the fact that this man just invaded her personal space “Thank you but can you please erase my photo?”

“Can i.. urm keep one at least?” he negotiated.

“For?”

“For my personal collections. It is nothing just for my collection”

“That sounds so wrong and creepy, Mister”

The man in front of her flustered again as reality hit him hard. He really had a wrong choice of word sometimes, which cause people to feel uncomfortable around him “I apologize, I mean..as my photo collection. It is an art thing. I promise I wont release it anywhere” he rubbed the back of his neck slowly.

“No..” she could not see his expression due to the black mask covering half of his face, but Seul was able to sense his disappointment. She tried to harbour his attention again “Unless you tell me your name. A man like you must have name right, at least I know you are not a creep” he looked reluctant at first.

He went mute for a moment before decided to give in to Seul’s request, not that she expected him to comply to the request. She didn’t think the photos of her could mean that much to him in exchange of his precious name. Guess, people with passion has different point of view.

“It is Vante..” he murmured.

“Van who?”

“Vante..So let me keep your photo”

“Vante..Are you a foreigner? You name sounds unique” Seul was impressed by the name.

Taehyung shook his head to keep this conversation as minimal as possible, no one should know who he was especially this girl that happened to catch his attention. He mindlessly took her photos just because the view in front of him was a piece of art. She looked effortlessly beautiful with the frown evident on her forehead, the photos of her depicted thousand stories behind it.

“Then Vante-ssi, i will let you keep one of it and erase the rest alright. I will just go now. And good luck with urmm taking photos I guess” she felt the awkwardness built between them. Was it because the guy in front of him or was it the situation that they were in?

Taehyung called out Seul once again putting her step at halt “Wait!” he went to her side, tearing one page from his sketchbook “Take this as my apology” he handed a piece of paper with a drawing. Seul scrutinized the drawing closely, “I..am sorry, I sketched a little and this is you.” he explained.

Feeling lightheaded, her lips were formed into an ‘o’ shape “Thank you..urmm Vante-ssi” she smiled brightly. The drawing a little unique to her just as peculiar as his name but the drawing warmth her heart. She could feel the sincerity in that piece of art.

“I just learned how to draw and sorry if it doesn’t appear like it supposes to be” he looked at Seul sheepishly. It was his first time to show his drawing to anyone, not even his members could peek at his drawing. The fact he gave his drawing to Seul, it was something unusual.

A small chuckle escaped from her “It is beautiful. An art is something unexplainable and only few people could understand it. That is why it is called art. Thank you again. It is nice meeting you, goodbye” a small bow from Seul and she disappeared in the shop again to tend her work.

“I FORGOT TO ASK HER NAME AGAIN!” Taehyung slapped his forehead and frowned at his foolishness. He glanced at the tea shop in front of him with a small smile “She works here, maybe next time” he turns to head back with a gleeful smile on his face.

His evening rendezvous turned out fruitful after all.

This work belongs to  Chimswae © 2020. All Rights Reserved.

[365days365movies]

February 21, 2021: The African Queen (Part 2)

Ah, Part 2! So, how are they doing at this point again?

RIGHT. Rapids. Well, let’s not navel-gaze, let’s see how they do! Check out the first part of the Recap right here to see how we got to this point!

Recap (2/2)

So they go over the rapids, which are basically just a short waterfall. It’s one hell of a ride, that’s for sure, and the two have some difficulty.

But even through that, they ride it out fine! More than fine, as they celebrate surviving the fort and the rapids. Rose lets out a kind of awkward “hip-hip hooray, and descends further into her adrenaline junkie fervor, saying the bullets were like mosquitoes. She, uh...she’s really getting into this whole thing, huh?

Charlie, meanwhile, is just overjoyed to still be alive, and embraces Rose in celebration. They have their own little twin rants about the occasion, and Charlie finishes it off with his own hip-hip-hooray! That’s followed by...

Well...OK then. Both of them seem taken aback by the kiss, and they brush it off as it nothing’s happened. But you can tell that things are different after this. And it seems like both of them are kind of into. Charlie, OK, I can sort of buy, but Rose has really started to experience a different side of life, and she’s embracing the SHIT out of it.

Doesn’t take them long to actually kiss in earnest, either, and they quickly succumb to their passions. Can’t imagine that they succumb completely, though, given Rose’s status as a woman of faith and all that. Either way, the two quickly legit fall in love. This is despite not knowing each other’s first names, goddamn. They finally start to refer to each other on a more personal basis, and they continue their journey down the river.

The two start to enjoy themselves, with Charlie imitating animals he sees down the river (the GIF up above is him imitating a hippo), and Rose laughs with a little snort that I will freely admit is adorable. But that’s cut juuuuuust a little short, when they hear and see what’s coming: more rapids.

And these are WAY worse than the other two, descending into a straight-up waterfall. Still, the boat makes it through, but not entirely undamaged this time. Propeller shaft is a little messed up, and supplies are limited. But Rosie, ever the optimistic innovator, manages to convince Charlie to give it a try, and to let her help.

And honestly...I’m digging their relationship. They’re EXTREMELY different people, but they’re also one of the best examples of opposites attracting that I’ve seen this month. And not only do they work together as a couple, but they LITERALLY work together to fix the boat! They weld a propeller together using makeshift bellows and a wooden fire on short, and the boat’s back to being river-worthy.

And the Ulanga River becomes the Bora, and elephants cavort along the shore...where the hell are they? Like, real talk, I’ve seen Nile crocodiles, elephants, hippos, babbons? Hold on, lemme look up these rivers while these two get assaulted by a massive swarm of mosquitoes, which looks unbearable.

OK, so considering that they’re in German East Africa, they’re probably going through Tanzania. And apparently, the river itself is a pretty common place to find all of those animals co-existing, as well as the largest population of Nile crocodiles in Africa, and a breeding ground for a bunch of bird species, like openbill storks and African skimmers...and can I take this cruise? Like, is there an option to go on a cruise through this area? ‘Cause I wanna. I REALLY wanna, goddamn. I would KILL to see this shit, I mean it. 

OK, well, moving on, the two make their way through a papyrus swamp, and they get badly stuck in the mud. They’re forced to make their way out of the reeds by getting out and literally towing it through the muck. Charlie does so, while Rose helps from above. 

But remember what I said about a lot of shit being in the water? Well, it’s time for leeches! Yay! Charlie seems to think that they’ve poisoned him, but that’s DEFINITELY not how leeches work. You wouldn’t know that, though, as Charlie starts to feel sick. Even so, they have to pull the boat through the muck onceagain, with Rose using a machete to clear the way.

But again, it doesn’t seem to matter, as a fever-stricken Charlie is convinced that the two of them are now permanently stuck in the mud, and that the two will die there. Rose seems to agree, and she prays to God once more, accepting their deaths, and asking for him to be merciful, despite their...weakness? That would seem to indicate that something may have been...consummated. Huh. Go figure.

But God’s not taking them yet, as the heavens produce not mercy, but torrential rain, which covers the giraffes, hippos, lions, and...I think those are puku? Common antelope species found around the river. But the rains also bring salvation, as the risen water level sweeps the boat out of the mud and onto the lake (which is fictional, by the way)!

But even now, after ALL OF THAT, it isn’t over yet, as the Königin Luise is on the horizon, about to spot them! They head back towards the reeds to hide, and narrowly escape. They decide to enact their torpedo plan at night, and spend the next few days making the torpedoes and cleaning the ship.

They argue about who’s going with the ship to take out the Luise, but they decide to both go, as they’d rather not risk losing each other if anything were to happen. They head out under cover of night and rain, and it’s then that something occurs to me...are they gonna make it out of this? Because swimming in a lake as big as this is no...oh, wait, never mind, the boat just sank. Shit.

Rose is lost, and Charlie’s found by the ship, who interrogate him under suspicion of being a spy for the British. He’s sentenced to death by hanging, immediately. And JUST as they do so, they find Rose and bring her to the ship. They embrace each other, but Rose is also interrogated by the “court” of sailors.

Rose, however, don’t give a FUCK, and just STRAIGHT-UP ADMITS THEIR PLAN! Holy shit, lady’s got balls. Charlie goes along with her, and the Captain (Peter Bull) is more intrigued than angry. But, y’know, not really gonna stop the whole “hanging” thing, now is it?

The two are lead onto the deck to be hanged. Meanwhile, the sunken The African Queen is still out there, submerged in the lake, with the torpedoes in tact. As they’re about to be hanged together, Charlie asks the ship’s captain to marry them, in ANOTHER ballsy move. Fuck me, I love this bullshit! Dumbest thing in the world, and yet I completely buy it!

The Captain, agreeing with me, actually does marry them as the nooses are tied around their necks. And that’s when Chekov’s boat is hit, and the whole thing goes down! HOLY FUCK!! Charlie takes the opportunity and throws off the nooses, and the two dive off the boat as the Königin Luise sinks entirely! The two, now married, swim off to the shore. And that’s it!

The African Queen! Another lovely film, with an ending that’s...abrupt as fuck, I’m gonna be honest with you. 

But I’ll get into that in the Review! See you there!

[pluto-art]

@thenostalgicnighthawk said:

I love your art, and I am a huge Pinky and the Brain fan as well. But why would you do this to Brain? It's very cruel, morbid, and sick. Though the Elmyra spin-off did happen, I never think about it because of how bad it was, and pretend that it they never got into her grasp. I see all the episodes as all of Brain's nightmares.

I love drawing my favorite characters as well (especially Pinky and the Brain), and I found these (and the one about impaling) disturbing. I feel like you have a love for hurting Brain, and I find it very sad. Brain is an amazing, complex, interesting character who deserves so much better than this.

I love drawing and I am obsessed with Pinky and the Brain as well. I can talk for hours about them and I draw them all the time. Maybe I'm too passionate, and I am very sorry if I sounded rude. I just don't like seeing characters that mean the world to me, like Brain, dead or in pain.  But keep up the drawing! You are very talented and I love your drawing style.

------------

Ha-ha. Ho, boy. I was waiting for someone to confront me about this and the day has finally come. I’m actually going to reply to you here on this blog, which is something I don’t normally do, but I think everyone deserves an explanation, yourself included, and I’ll try to be as lucid about it as possible.

Whump. In the Urban Dictionary, it is defined as:

A fandom term, commonly used by fan fiction authors (particularly in the Stargate genre) to describe physical and/or mental abuse laid on a character in a story.

I like whump. I write it. I read it. I draw it. This is something I’ve only ever told a few close friends in private. Admitting this publicly is... a little out of my comfort zone, as it’s not something exactly accepted by everyone, and understandably so. Only recently did I even become aware that a leaning towards this kind of content had a term, thanks to a friend of mine.

Whump can range from everything from sick fics to extreme torture/abuse. While I do have my own, personal limits on what I’ll draw, write, and/or read (e.g., the impaling idea; I started to draw it and couldn’t, because it disturbed me too much), there are some areas I’m not afraid to traverse, and this includes death scenes, characters in varying degrees of emotional pain, and mental torture. Again, I have my limits, but I’m not entirely averse to such content either.

So why do I like it? For one reason:

The emotional aspect.

I’m a storyteller, and when writing, whether it be for a book of fiction, a film screenplay, or a fan work, one thing that’s core to a character arc, especially in movie scripts, is bringing that individual to their lowest point. You push them far in part so that they grow, so that the arc has a strong climax, and so as the resolution is all the more satisfying when said character overcomes every obstacle thrown against them.

I tend to linger in the “growing pains” camp, playing around with that emotional element. How would they react to ‘x’ situation? How far would you have to push them to evoke this or that emotion from them? This especially applies to stubborn characters and individuals that project a crusty exterior, yet harbor a soft heart underneath. They seem so heartless on the outside, but if you break past that mental wall you find a gummy center on the inside of the lollypop. But if they’re particularly averse to showing that tender part of them, you have to push harder for them to show it. This appeals to me. How far would you have to push...?

Now, granted, what I’m doing to poor Brain here isn’t connected to character development or a script, except for when I’m writing fan fiction. Again, it’s about pushing the emotional element. It tugs at my heartstrings when a character I love is in great physical and/or mental pain, and I want to heal that so very badly, which is why you will see the occasional composition depicting him in a very serene and peaceful atmosphere, but I also, as an artist, like to play around with expressions and poses to sort of challenge myself: How sad can I push this expression? If something were to happen to them, what would it look like? Can I convey that in ‘x’ manner? Think of it as an emotional “high” of sorts. The more I play around with their emotions... the more I feel for the character. It satisfies that high, but it also makes me really sad. Oh, the irony.

I’m not going to pretend it’s not morbid. It is. Please understand, though, I would NEVER do this kind of thing to any living creature, human or animal. EVER. I know you only have my word to go by, but there is no way, on this Earth, that I would hurt Brain if he was real. If he was real I’d want to hold him in my arms and comfort him. If he was real I’d want to wrap him in a warm blanket and give him tea or coffee by a fireplace. If he was real I’d want to give him all the time and space in the world he needed to concoct his plans. If he was real I’d want him to know how loved and cared about he is.

Not that he’d accept any of this. He’s stubborn. Heh. But I’d try.

It’s weird, ‘cause like... I love them. I legit love them. But I also put them through all of this torture when they already go through enough. Why bother? Again, it’s the whump factor. I like experimenting/playing with emotions. I find drama and sad moments evoke the most emotion out of a character and find this incredibly interesting to study. Anyone reading this is welcome to judge me as harshly as they want. I probably deserve it.... But I probably shouldn’t hide who I am and what I like either. Again, I’m not a sadistic person or anything. Far from it. But I suppose this would be considered one of my guilty pleasures when it comes to writing, reading, and drawing only and... yeah.... It’s weird....

Thank you so much, by the way, for your kind comments on my work. I don’t think you’re being rude at all. You have a legitimate question that deserved an answer! If anything, thanks for calling me out on it, ‘cause it was probably about time. Lol. I can’t promise I’ll stop uploading sad content. If anything, I can assure you there will be more. Heh. And if it’s particularly disturbing I try to remember to tag it. But yeah.... I appreciate you commenting. :)

That said, this was still a tiny bit nerve-wracking to admit publicly for the first time. I’m gonna go hide in my hole now....

[untitledtallgeesepodcast]

[TRANSCRIPT] Episode 0: The Anime They Once Saw (Or Didn’t See)

Kat  0:00  

Hello and welcome to the Untitled Tallgeese Podcast, a podcast where four of us will watch Gundam Wing and then tell you all about Gundam Wing. My name is Kat, I write about comics on the internet, and I will be your episode moderator for today.

Mallory  0:17  

And I'm Mallory, and I also write about comics. 

Cathy  0:20  

I'm Cathy, I don't write about comics. I am actually a lawyer, which sucks.

All  0:26  

[laughter]

Caitlin  0:28  

I am Caitlin. I'm a PhD researcher in Tokyo right now working on Japanese film. Yeah. 

Kat  0:33  

Extremely legit. 

Caitlin  0:35  

Are we? 

Cathy  0:36  

and we're all here to talk about the Gundam Wing.

Kat  0:38  

[crosstalk] I mean we might be.

Kat  0:41  

We are here to talk about Gundam Wing, the maybe not critically acclaimed, but fandom, okay, audience favorite anime  that was released in 1995 in Japan and then made its way to the US in March 2000 on Toonami. So, we're going to talk about our fandom history and our history with the show Gundam Wing and I guess I will kick that off. So I-- I grew up watching anime because my dad is a huge nerd. So we were obviously watching Toonami. And the promos blew my mind. My friends and I all got really into it in middle school. Then we discovered fanfiction and we started with Heero/Relena fan fiction. [Caitlin: Ugh.] And then then we realized people could be gay. 

Caitlin  1:29  

Uugh, thank god.

Kat  1:30  

That opened up like, I know it was like the clouds parted. rainbows fell from the sky. We were like, Oh, wow.

Mallory  1:39  

[singing] "A whole new world"

Kat  1:40  

[laughter] And then I don't know. I wrote a lot of fanfiction posted it on FF dotnet, got into fandom and then stayed in fandom. So, Mallory?

Mallory  1:53  

I didn't have cable growing up. So whatever anime exposure I got was like, whatever was on Saturday morning cartoons. So Digimon was my first fandom and I was really into that. 

Kat  2:08  

Hell yeah 

Mallory  2:09  

And that sort of like bled into Gundam Wing somehow, I don't really remember how. But I found my way to Gundam Wing, read a lot of fanfic, hadn't ever really watched the show. And then in high school, my friend had some like random episodes from the first season question mark. I have no idea. So I watched those, and really enjoyed that? But I have no idea what their context was, so I'm coming at this pretty, pretty new.

Cathy  2:44  

So you have never watched it from beginning to end?

Mallory  2:47  

No. 

Cathy  2:47  

Got it. This will be fun. 

Mallory  2:50  

I'm expecting to be really disapproving of all the adults in the room. I find that like, now that I'm watching anime about kids, I'm really protective of these kids like, "Hey, this is really unethical!"

Cathy  3:02  

So I'm like Kat, I started watching anime when I was I think around Middle School. I had a friend who got me into Sailor Moon, then I think it was Dragon Ball that was on Toonami at the time? I can't really remember the chronology. 

Kat  3:16  

Yeah. 

Cathy  3:17  

But then they did the promos for Gundam Wing, so then I started watching that on Toonami. And it was my first mecha series. And my first Gundam series, I think it's a lot of people's first Gundam series in the United States. 

Cathy  3:31  

I have attempted to do similar projects to this multiple times where I go back and I rewatch, and I haven't really had the opportunity to actually finish those rewatches. But my memory of it is still kind of stuck of when I was in middle school slash high school. I did get into fandom, so I expect to remember a lot of inaccuracies about what happened. [laughter] Because a lot of what my facts have with this series are have now mutated and changed. But I was a huge Gundam Wing fan, I think it still remains my favorite of the Gundam series just because I have so many memories of it? But I really excited to talk to Mallory, about what you feel and your experiences because it's been so long since I've talked to somebody who actually has never seen the series and doesn't know the story. So I'm super excited about this.

Caitlin  4:24  

Yeah!

Cathy  4:25  

All right, Cait, tell us about your family history.

Caitlin  4:27  

Yeah, so similar to all of us, I guess, I watched anime growing up. I got into Sailor Moon sort of through an accident of just happening to see a very specific episode on Toonami in like 1999, 1998 maybe. So after that, I got really into anime and really into the internet. I think I was very depressed as a child. [laughter] So I spend a lot of time online. I believe that like my my first memories of Gundam Wing are when it was on Toonami: Sailor Moon was on first and then Dragon Ball Dragon Ball Z, and then Gundam Wing. And then they also were showing like the quote unquote unedited versions late 

Cathy  5:09  

Yes!

Kat  5:09  

Yes, the midnight run 

Cathy  5:11  

The midnight run Right. 

Cathy  5:12  

Yeah. So very specific memories of like, I think I was mainly attracted to the, like, team format of Gundam if that makes sense? [Cathy: Yeah yeah yeah!] where it was used to sailor Sailor Moon where you have a team of color coded characters. And I'd, at a younger age been really into Power Rangers, where you had a team of color coded characters. So the marketing of Gundam Wing really appealed. You know, cuz I was just a kid watching on TV, I never really, I don't know if I watched the whole thing as a kid, but I got really into the fandom. And by 2000, 2001, I already knew about gay stuff online.

Kat  5:48  

Wow. Look at you early bloomer.

Caitlin  5:50  

Yeah. So So I got really into the various Gundam Wing pairings, I think it was mainly, I was mainly a 3x4, I think as a child. I went through some, 1x2, and then 2x5 phases. [laughter]

Caitlin  6:09  

I still am a big advocate for 2x5, I think it's underrated.

Kat  6:12  

I'm a big 2x5. 

Cathy  6:13  

2x5 is a good pairing, it definitely is. 

Kat  6:16  

Yeah.

Cathy  6:16  

It's a better pairing as an adult. 

Kat  6:17  

So okay, I think that's actually a pretty good bounce off. So these are the things we remember about Gundam Wing. It was marketed, like, I remember the Toonami marketing 'cause I was really hype for this show. They had like these really extreme commercials. 

Caitlin  6:34  

Yeah. 

Kat  6:35  

Um, and I thought the voice acting was good. I don't know, maybe we'll revisit that during this watch, to see if it still is, 

Caitlin  6:43  

[crosstalk] Was it dubbed?, 

Cathy  6:44  

[crosstalk] It was dubbed, yes.

Kat  6:44  

But I was ready for it. It was dubbed. 

Caitlin  6:46  

It was dubbed. One thing with the with the Japanese voice acting though, is that it's every single famous voice actor from the 90s. And so you can, you can use Gundam Wing is like a six degrees of every single voice actor from the 1990s. 

Caitlin  6:59  

Oh, that's cool.

Mallory  7:00  

I mean, there are a lot of big American or like, dub dub names on the dub side, too.

Cathy  7:06  

One of the things that I remember very strongly about Toonami is that they had what I think we would now call anime music videos, AMVs. 

Kat  7:16  

Yeah 

Cathy  7:17  

But they would play

Caitlin  7:18  

Yeah, 

Cathy  7:18  

These montage trailers, where they'd stich together all their different series. And as they accumulated more anime series, these became really, I think, cinematic and gripping tales, where they would kind of try to tell a story to be about, like bravery or honor or like, 

Kat  7:36  

It's like, plugged directly into my little 11 year old brain like, Whoa,

Cathy  7:40  

Yes. And one of them was, I remember was called, like, "technological development" or something like that, that featured a lot of the Gundam Wing clips. 

Kat  7:47  

Oh, yeah, cuz you only download them from like, KaZaa,  or whatever horrible thing I was putting into my computer. 

Caitlin  7:52  

Yeah. We gotta see if we can find those. [crosstalk] They must be online somewhere.

Cathy  7:56  

They are online. And I think they actually came out with like, I think somebody had either like hand by hand remastered them.

Kat  8:03  

[crosstalk] Oh sick.

Cathy  8:02  

Or they created a remastered version of it. They're wonderful. But that's I think one of the things about Toonami that I remember really strongly was Gundam Wing kind of is one of their, like epitome of like, Cool Anime that I feel like Toonami did and what it did was like they stiched together all these different things Outlaw Star and Tenchi Muyo and all these other stories to create a story about teenage growth, which is kind of strange and also weirdly fitting at the end of the day about like where Gundam is in the whole universe. 

Kat  8:07  

I think that's one of the reasons it blew up so much here because the marketing was really intense. Like Toonami, like it sort of right at the beginning, like people were into Sailor Moon, Dragonball Z was getting big. And like the manga boom was sort of happening in bookstores. So contextually, I think, Cartoon Network knew what the hell they were doing. They were like, "We can market the hell out of this."

Caitlin  8:55  

And also objectively speaking, Gundam Wing was one of their cooler series. Like, Sailor Moon is cool. Tenchi Muyo is not cool. 

All  9:04  

[laughter]

Kat  9:06  

Yeah. 

Caitlin  9:07  

Even even if you love it, it's not really cool. Dragon Ball. Love it. I don't know if it's really cool. Gundam Wing had like a very strong -

Kat  9:14  

[crosstalk] like the chad of animes

Caitlin  9:16  

- adult aesthetic to it, even though it was like, relatively, well, relatively appropriate for like 12 year olds. 

Kat  9:23  

And they swore during the midnight show.

Caitlin  9:25  

Oh yeah, 

Kat  9:26  

They swore and there was blood. 

Caitlin  9:27  

So it was very cool. And so I felt very adult watching it even though I didn't really understand what was going on because it's all this fake politics crap.

Kat  9:35  

Yeah, I was gonna say I did do a rewatch in like, like, right after college, so it was probably around 2010 ish, maybe? And I don't think we finished the series, but it was like, wow, I used to think this was very deep. [laughter] And I thought all the people in it who are the adults like Mallory, you were mentioning earlier, like they're actually like 17 and 19 

Cathy  10:01  

Yes! 

Kat  10:01  

in this show. So watching it at the age of 21, I was like, "Ooh no, don't give these people anything."

Cathy  10:09  

I was actually thinking about that. Because when you said Mallory, "oh, well, I become very protective of the children. I disapprove the adults," in my head of thinking "what adults?" [crosstalk, Caitlin: yeah what adults?] because actually, in Gundam Wing, there's a funny thing where people are either 15, 25 or like 70. And there's no in between and nobody really makes adult decisions. So it, That was one thing that really shocked me because as I go back to revisit it, I think, "Oh my god, I'm actually older than almost everybody in this series."

Caitlin  10:39  

How old, how old is Treize supposed to be? 

Cathy  10:41  

He's like 23, or 24. 

Kat  10:42  

He's 19.

Cathy  10:43  

No, Zechs is 19.

Kat  10:44  

Oh, Zechs is 19. Right. 

Cathy  10:47  

I just the idea of giving people who, you know, would have either been in college or just graduate college in my worldview, huge robots. 

Kat  10:58  

I think the ages of all the characters gets obscured by the anime art style, you know?

Cathy  11:03  

Yeah. 

Kat  11:03  

In a lot of anime fandoms.

Mallory  11:04  

And when you're watching this, when you're a kid, you want to see yourself as the protagonist. So it makes sense that, you know, a 17 year old seems like old and cool, and I want to be that person. And then when you're 30, you're like, the 17 year old should not be at war. 

Kat  11:23  

Relevant is that we definitely watched Evangelion. That was our last series.

Caitlin  11:29  

I don't know, I think, I think Heero Yuy is doing fine in war. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be honest, as a 30 year old, I think these kids are much better at war than I would be. 

Cathy  11:39  

Well, so that's what I find kind of interesting, is that I think this series actually... I don't, I know this wasn't the point but when I rewatched it recently, or just like the first couple of episodes, it seemed, it made a lot of sense, because they were like 15 or 24. Like the series, actually stitches together... 

Caitlin  11:58  

Yeah. 

Cathy  11:58  

...really well, because of how young they are, and kind of like the purity of feeling that they have, which I think is 

Kat  12:05  

Yeah, it is, like 

Cathy  12:06  

only maybe 

Kat  12:07  

like that [indistinguishable?] 

Cathy  12:07  

which I think is like only really, truly possible because I have to think of them as like 15 or 21 or 19 year olds. that is not at all when I took away when I was watching in high school. Right? 

Mallory  12:21  

Well, I mean, right.

Caitlin  12:22  

Part of the ideology of Gundam in general is like trying to restore a form of hope, and youth to, like, young people growing up in Japan, who are the target audience for this, and this idea that, like, you still have the power to change the world, you still have the power to bring about peace in a way that you want, even though you're being manipulated and oppressed by all these crazy adults who make you pilot giant robots. So I think there's a significant, like part of the series is the fact that they are kids who have been recruited into child warfare, and now have to find some way out of that. And like my memory of the series is that even though most of, most of the decisions made are very bad, the kids in general are not making terrible decisions. They're making pretty good decisions.

Kat  13:12  

Yeah, the pilots themselves... 

Mallory  13:14  

[crosstalk] Yeah 

Kat  13:14  

...are like doing the best they can be doing in that circumstance. 

Cathy  13:17  

[crosstalk] Exactly, exactly

Kat  13:19  

But I think it's sort of interesting, 'cause it's like, to me Gundam Wing is definitely like a fandom era, because I think a lot of stuff exemplifies like...there's like a lot of tropes cycling through it. But also like, the series itself, is so perfectly...like, I think of it as a series that are so perfectly set up for fandom because there's a lot of like, here's my one episode mission, and we have to be at a safe house, I guess. And it's just like, a long interminable war. So there's like, a big, a lot of world building. Yeah, that creates all these spaces that sort of separate from all the political machinations of the series.

Caitlin  13:58  

And that's also I think, a lot of what it was meant to be when it was created within the Gundam franchise like it was it was designed to have sort of a BL appeal to girls writing for comic market and that sort of thing. So it had like the setup of five hot guys who you could combine in various forms. And then also like Gundam itself, in general, it's designed to be and a sort of open universe that you can step into at various points, which also facilitates fandom engagement 

Mallory  14:28  

[crosstalk] literal fandom bait. 

Caitlin  14:29  

usually in the form, yeah, usually in the form of model collecting, which is like one of the main Gundam forms of fandom which we probably won't talk about too much on the show. But you, you kind of

Kat  14:41  

Uh I've definitely built some Gundam models. 

Caitlin  14:43  

Yeah. Well, you will be the expert on that because I've never touched a Gundam model in my life. But that is like the big thing where you can you can get the model you can construct it, you can learn a little bit more about the, like, the technology and the different like details of the models and stuff like that. And it just gives you like a slight, like Little bit more of these like tiny narratives and that sort of what the fans are consuming rather than an overall plot that makes sense, which is not what Gundam has really.

Kat  15:11  

So Gundam [Wing] has like the cool robots but also these hot boys in them.

Caitlin  15:15  

That's what I want. 

Mallory  15:16  

I mean Well, that's exactly what I want to show right now. So it sounds perfect?

Kat  15:21  

Honestly, yeah.

Mallory  15:23  

I think Evangelion, sort of, because, Kat, you and I just finished -- or are almost finished with -- Neon Genesis Evangelion [Kat, crosstalk: we haven't done all the movies yet] which was also it was my first time [Cathy, crosstalk: Congratulations, laugh] watching the whole series...wow, grim 

Kat  15:40  

I also only consumed 

Mallory  15:42  

[crosstalk] grim 

Kat  15:42  

[crosstalk] I consumed it like piecemeal too 

Mallory  15:44  

And depressing

Kat  15:45  

It was great. 

Mallory  15:46  

Very good but um grim.

Kat  15:50  

Yeah it's pretty grim.

Cathy  15:52  

Yeah, it's interesting to me because I feel like Evangelion doesn't make a lot of sense as a cultural product unless you've consumed a series like Gundam or its ancestors before watching it and yet Evangelion is a lot of people's introduction to giant robot series. So I always find that kind of interesting...

Caitlin  16:13  

[crosstalk] It's very weird.

Cathy  16:14  

because it, it is subversive, and I think it's subversive even if you don't know the tropes of the giant robot series, of which Gundam is perhaps a prime example. Gundam Wing...

Kat  16:27  

So I was gonna ask that and like, would you say, since Evangelion is definitely a like the subversion of this genre, would you say Gundam Wing is like the type of series that it is subverting? Or do you think it's in a different place?

Caitlin  16:41  

Gundam Wing and Evangelion came out the same year? Gundam Wing is in some ways a, it's already like a parody form of the original iteration of Gundam. 

Kat  16:55  

Okay, so it's--is it like, um, like the pure essence of teens-robots.

Caitlin  17:02  

It's, it's more like, I feel like by the time of Gundam Wing, the tropes of the original Gundam series are so well set that a lot of things in Gundam Wing to, like the fans who watched the original Gundam or like later Gundams, seemed like a rehash but it was designed to bring in new fans. So something like Zechs Merquis is very clearly like a Char Aznable character. It's just sort of a reiteration of that.

Kat  17:29  

So is it like a Star Wars, like a Star Wars sequel?

Caitlin  17:33  

Like how the Force Awakens is kind of a rehash of yeah, of A New Hope. And then, but it still brings in a lot of fans and has appealing characters and good aesthetics

Kat  17:43  

Right, yeah, I guess I think of them, the two shows, as sort of like, splitting the take on... like, what would you say is like the ur-mecha show? 

Cathy  17:52  

The original Gundam 

Caitlin  17:54  

Original Gundam? 

Cathy  17:54  

Yeah, Mobile Suit Gundam. 

Caitlin  17:56  

I mean, they're, they're older iterations, there's other robot shows. But I feel like when people think of mecha, the first thing they think of is Mobile Suit Gundam. 

Cathy  18:06  

So the way like I now think of Gundam Wing after the fact of experiences I have now is that like Gundam Wing is actually a perfect like K-Pop boy band way that they built it and so if you can kind of think of it like that, like it's, you need enough of the tropes and symbols, so that everybody watches it and immediately knows it's a Gundam series.

Cathy  18:30  

Like the colors of Wing Gundam are so obviously 

Kat  18:34  

Yeah.

Cathy  18:34  

a Gundam Mecca and you need that you can't get away from it. And same thing with like Zech's having a mask it the reason I think of it as being in in the Kpop industry is like there's a derivative sense. And that's animated by both like Merchandising, and advertising and what audiences want but at the same time, it's like this incredibly pure understanding of what makes us like things? And like when you get that when you really get it, like, it doesn't matter how like, quote, unquote manipulative or exploitative it can seem like you love it. And that's enough, right to make it like a thing that we all want to keep coming back to.

Mallory  19:12  

And there's basically like, an archetype right? In  all of the different characters like you have the more

Kat  19:18  

Yeah, you have the serious one. 

Mallory  19:20  

That's what I was thinking.

Kat  19:21  

Like, the goofy one.

Mallory  19:23  

Yeah, the goofy one, the sort of mess 

Kat  19:25  

the ugly one, 

Mallory  19:26  

like really cute one.

Kat  19:29  

Yeah, that's why I was thinking American boy bands cuz they all have to have like a type of heartthrob. Yeah, I'm a bad boy. I love death.

Caitlin  19:38  

One of them's, one of them's a rapper.

Kat  19:40  

Okay, so we talked a little bit about how we got into it. We talked a little bit about fandoms. And we touched on pairings, do we want to go into pairings at all? Or like our fave characters, or who we think our fave characters will be Before this rewatch?

Cathy  19:54  

You know before we do that--Mallory, can you try to tell us what you think this series is about? I'm actually really curious, like before you do a complete viewing, like what? what is what is your understanding of what happens in Gundam Wing?

Mallory  20:08  

Um, there's a long interminable war. These boys are recruited by some shadowy government whatever. And they're piloting these mecha. Uugh, I just remember Duo being really annoying.

Caitlin  20:28  

[loud gasp] [laughter] [crosstalk] Oh my god.

Mallory  20:29  

I mean, not annoying, like, being sort of... 

Kat  20:32  

Wow. 

Mallory  20:33  

...the one the pushy one like, he's the challenging one to Heero's "I'm serious and dour." Literally, I have the most broad strokes impressions of what this show is. I just know it looked really fucking cool every time I saw it in, like, a commercial and couldn't watch it.

Cathy  20:55  

Fascinating.

Caitlin  20:57  

Honestly, even having seen Gundam Wing, I'm not sure I could explain it much better. I don't remember who recruited them.

Mallory  21:03  

Okay. Okay, that does make me feel better. Because I was like, Oh, I don't? Do I actually know what the show is? What am I getting myself into? 

Caitlin  21:14  

There's there's a lot of weird politics. 

Mallory  21:17  

Well, I'm really excited for that. And I don't mean that sarcastically. Like, I'm really excited to, to see what this world is like, because I remember, like images or impressions. But everything is like out of context. So it'll be cool to see what that context is. Like deja vu? Oh, I remember that. I've seen that in AMV.

Kat  21:48  

I remember this from fics that just rewrite scenes from this show.

Mallory  21:55  

Yeah, like, what do I know? What do I know of Gundam that is from fanfic only, or is actual canon? I'm curious to figure out.

Kat  22:10  

I think everyone's a lot less obnoxious in canon.

Caitlin  22:14  

That's true. 

Mallory  22:15  

Okay, okay. 

Caitlin  22:16  

This was a this was a really good fandom for the the fandom phenomenon of, you take a character's most, like, annoying trait, and you emphasize it like times 10 in your fanfic.

Cathy  22:28  

Yes.

Kat  22:28  

Yeah 

Caitlin  22:28  

Just so everybody knows you know what that character is like.

Kat  22:31  

Heero's gonna threaten to kill everybody all the time, constantly.

Caitlin  22:34  

"Omae o korosu."

Cathy  22:36  

[laughing crosstalk] And so, it's funny that you guys mentioned safe houses, because actually, there are very few safe houses in the original series. In fact, I think there's like maybe one or two scenes ever, where they are all in a safe house provided by one of their allies. And it's a really fascinating trope, because it like pervades the fanfic? But I remember, that I remember was like a big deal, like, I went back and I was like, actually, these people spend very little downtime with each other in the actual series and I find that fascinating.

Kat  23:12  

Right? So you have to fill it all in. 

Mallory  23:13  

Oh, wait, what?

Caitlin  23:14  

They actually barely know each other.

Cathy  23:16  

Yeah, they truly barely know each other. [crosstalk]

Mallory  23:18  

Wait. Oh no, I thought, I thought this was going to be like..

Kat  23:23  

[crosstalk] They actually never interact. 

Mallory  23:24  

we're going to get together and become like a team 

Caitlin  23:26  

No, no.

Cathy  23:26  

Absolutely not, 

Caitlin  23:27  

They don't fight together; It's 50 episodes of them not interacting. 

Cathy  23:31  

They, they literally have like, they like, there's probably one or two scenes in which all five of them are on the same battlefield at the same time. And almost every single one of those scenes involves them fighting with each other because like, 

Kat  23:44  

[crosstalk]Oh, yeah, they fight each other alone. 

Cathy  23:45  

What's going on? And this was the thing that I'm sure we'll come back to when I came back to this is when I was rewatching. It in college, I realized that of the two people who spend the most time with each other, it's like Trowa and Heero. Because, yes, it is what arc where they actually go on a road trip, which like, 

Kat  24:03  

it's great. I wrote a thing 

Cathy  24:04  

like wiped it from my memory when I was thinking about the series, but it really drives home. You know, again, to your point like what of this series do I did I remember that was just from fanfic, and was just what like the fanfic I read very specifically. And so that was one of the things is like, when you come back as an adult, I was like, all of this stuff is so much more interesting to me because like, I actually, like, I don't get me wrong, I still have shipping opinions. But like, I'm older and I have I I'm famous for this. And Kat knows this. I like don't have OTPs. And I'm like not very good about actually being very loyal to pairings. And so as an adult coming back to this, I was like, Oh, this is actually really interesting because the permutations that fandom came up with also came from, like,  non-canon material, because there's a lot of non-canon material, like promotional images that bear no resemblance whatsoever to canon. 

Kat  24:54  

Okay, I would,  I would call those extra canonical, right?

Caitlin  24:58  

No, they're, they're extra canonical, they count in some form. 

Kat  25:02  

Right? 'Cause they're official.

Cathy  25:04  

I guess so. I mean, sure, we'll talk about that as time comes but like.

Caitlin  25:08  

Listen, a canon is not just the story. It's the entire media mix around it. It's those, it's those things that you can collect. It's the extra manga. It's Frozen Teardrop, 

Cathy  25:18  

Like, Gundam Wing actually, I think is one of the few franchises I know where like "pair the spares" was a real merchandising tactic. 

Kat  25:26  

Yes, it was. 

Cathy  25:27  

And so, so everybody had somebody... gay, I mean, like, not like, 

Kat  25:34  

Wufei had two! 

Cathy  25:35  

They had a gay and a straight interest that they were paired up with. And so, um, so it's like, fascinating to me to come back and be like, actually, the canon is a lot more flexible and interesting than I remembered it.

Caitlin  25:49  

The canon for me is like, remarkable in its commitment to not officially putting anyone together. Like it was, it's very good at balancing out all of the different pairings that it wants to support. 

Mallory  26:01  

Mm hmm. 

Caitlin  26:02  

Um, it's interesting to see which ones got picked up as the main two in fandom, which for me, were always 1x2 and 3x4 dominated the fandom, because they're both like, friendly, maybe talkative, personable guy and like silent, brooding, weirdo, 

Kat  26:22  

Warrior. 

Caitlin  26:22  

What fandom loves! Fandom loves that exact dynamic in every form. And so like, what 1, 1 and 3, were never going to work together because they're both silent and brooding. Fandom was never gonna pick that up. It's too It's too boring. It's not dynamic enough, right?

Mallory  26:37  

Like, you can't fight. There's no banter,

Cathy  26:39  

Which is actually weird, because if you go back and watch the episodes, you'll see it. Heero actually is not that quiet. And Trowa is like a nutcase. And so 

Kat  26:48  

they're really funny together, 

Cathy  26:49  

when they are together, they're actually incredibly dynamic in ways that in fact, the canon doesn't establish 1x2, or 3x4 to be. And so it is really fascinating, because I do agree with Caitlin. What came out of this canon is very different from what I think the show gives. And I don't know the show was like, open minded because it wanted to sell as much merch as possible or

Caitlin  27:13  

It's that.

Cathy  27:13  

Yeah, so I don't know.

Mallory  27:14  

Capitalism.

Kat  27:16  

I am gonna say I think the show is a 3x4 shipper. Like I think if the show had a pairing, it would be a three, it would be 3x4, like from my recollections of the show

Mallory  27:26  

Yeah

Caitlin  27:26  

I always thought that was true. But now 

Cathy  27:28  

I disagree. 

Caitlin  27:29  

I feel like I'm gonna go into this and and be like, they never

Kat  27:32  

Nobody else has a musical interlude.

Cathy  27:34  

But the but the thing is, here's Okay, so not to, like, make this too much about the pairing... But I also think 1x2 and 3x4 become established. I put that in quotes early in the series. And so it becomes entrenched and people assume that that's the pairing. But actually, I just remember so strongly when I went back and rewatched that I was like, there really is not that much evidence for Trowa and Quatre's like instantaneous connection because Quatre has that with almost every other pilot, and Trowa's relationship with Heero is like so much more interesting when I come back to it, even though I definitely think they would never work. They would like killing each other and instead as an adult.

Kat  28:12  

And I mean, I love that pairing. And like the one thing that came out of my rewatch a million years ago was I wrote a 1x3 fic cuz I really love those episodes, and fandom didn't do anything with it. But I feel like, I feel like Quatre and Trowa are framed slightly differently than all the other potential pairings so that they could be together.

Cathy  28:33  

Even up until Endless Waltz like, I really just feel like that that was an early series thing. And then as you go on into the series, that relationship while still important, was not really emphasized any more or less.

Kat  28:47  

But I mean, if it, if it comes out of the gate strong, [laughter] like

Caitlin  28:51  

That's all that matters

Kat  28:52  

I still think that the show was pushing that one if it pitched. Like if it was giving the most evidence to any one of them, I think the early stuff was really like, ~look at this beautiful pairing.~

Caitlin  29:04  

So wait do we all want to, maybe to end this episode, we should all go through and predict what are OTP or pseudo OTP for Cathy will be by the end of this rewatch. 

Kat  29:16  

But also tell me your fave character because that's what I asked like, 15 minutes ago.

Cathy  29:21  

Okay, Kat you first.

Kat  29:23  

Oh, well, my favorite character has always been Duo Maxwell. And I'm predicting that he's still going to be my fave character. And I am going to stake my flag on Duo/Wufei, 2x5.

Cathy  29:36  

Mallory?

Mallory  29:37  

I think from what I remember, I really liked Trowa, I thought Heero was too dour, but I also think that I might relate to him a lot more this time around. So I'm going to say that Heero is going to be my favorite character. And I've always liked...see, I don't know about fandom pairings. I want to say it'll be...well it was Duo/Heero before? No, but I've-- I really like Duo/Wufei so, like, I think that's just always gonna be my Gundam Wing ship.

Cathy  30:20  

So when I was a kid watching it my favorite was Duo Maxwell, but I know from my prior rewatching, or attempts to rewatch the series, that as an older person coming into the series, I actually like the girls a lot more, like Relena and Dorothy and Noin became my favorite characters and I did not give them the credit they deserved when I was watching it as a younger person. 

Cathy  30:41  

I also was 1x2 shipper but again, I know that what I came out of the series really shipping was disastrous Heero/Trowa, and then Duo/Wufei.

Caitlin  30:56  

Okay, I see we are all Duo/Wufei fans now.

Kat  30:59  

[crosstalk] That's why this is going to be the superior Gundam Wing podcast.

Caitlin  31:02  

Yeah. I feel like so, my favorite character when I was originally watching as a kid was Quatre. I think probably because like I always liked like, the friendly blondes in boy bands? 

Kat  31:13  

That go apeshit? 

Caitlin  31:15  

When I got older, I was more into Duo and Duo is was probably still my favorite character. I was into Duo/Wufei for a long time. I just think that they are funny together and terrible. And I actually really like Wufei a lot. I sort of admire that fake honor sort of thing. But I, since everybody said Duo/Wufei, I feel like I should say something else, which is that I think that I will get more into 3x4 again after this rewatch, because it's a comforting pairing, in some ways. It's a return. And we're all very full of anxiety right now. [laughter] And so we just need Quatre and stupid, crazy Trowa, you know, having their pure love connection that fandom imagined for them from the beginning.

Kat  32:02  

It's real.

Mallory  32:03  

I look forward to it. 

Cathy  32:04  

I do too. I also look forward to hating Treize because that's what happened the last time I rewatched this. He's such a fuck boy.

Kat  32:12  

I'm excited to love Dorothy and Relena.

Cathy  32:14  

My god, they're so good. Yeah, they're so good. That's what I should have said is my favorite pairing.

Kat  32:20  

Fandom definitely ruined me for a little bit, like, "urgh, Relena!"

Caitlin  32:24  

When I was a kid, part of the appeal of Gundam Wing fandom was in some ways that it was so sexist, and so I could like act out my own internalized misogyny at the time. And so like, I like I was definitely participating in that of like a group breaking up the boys, whatever. And then in later iterations, I like love Relena. So.

Kat  32:45  

Yeah, she was just such an easy reason for them to get together, right? For 1x2, but in the show, she's way more than a plot device. So that was kind of frustrating.

Caitlin  32:56  

In the show, she's easily the most one of the most interesting and active characters for sure.

Kat  33:02  

As podcast Daddy, I declare Episode Zero officially over. Thank you everyone for your time and catch us in two weeks with Episode One: The boy whose wings killed adolescence.

Caitlin  33:16  

Byeeee [laughter]

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

[tazzykiki]

Hiccup for the character thing!

What I like about them

I adore his sarcasm and his overall personality. He’s super sweet but willing to fight if he has to. He puts up with a lot of shit and tends to have a temper, which is always entertaining(lowkey reminds me of 2k12 Donatello).

What I dislike about themNot much, but sometimes I hate it when he suddenly becomes invulnerable to things simply because he’s the main character. Would’ve been nice to see him sick or hurt during the series. Sucks that a lot of main characters get this treatment.Favorite momentSo many:

-Back in HTTYD 1 where he was learning about Toothless and getting close. Every time I rewatched that movie, I always skip to that scene.

-Every sarcastic moment

-The scene in HTTYD 1 where he’s imitating his father, I loved it so much I memorized it

-When he got so enraged he threw himself at Viggo and was legit trying to kill him

-That moment in Snoggletog Log where he’s dancing with Zephyr(it’s so cuuuuute)

-A shit ton more I can’t rememberLeast favorite momentWhen he gets angry with Gustav and just, ignores how similar they are. Like yeah he helps the kid out, but I always wince whenever he acts like a jerk towards him.A situation with this character that I want to see explored moreCasual moments with his friends and family, we get some of those. But like, I wanna see how he is when he’s relaxed and playful and just messing around with his friends. I wanna see how much of a little shit he can be. I also wanna see what it was like when he was little, how many times did he blow up Berk???An interesting AU for this characterOne that’s been on my mind has been a Madoka Magica one. Like I know it’s a girls only occupation as a magical girl, but like it’d be super interesting. Like what would his outfit be like, what would his wish and powers be? How powerful could he get considering he not only stopped a 300 year war, but is also the son of a chief(social standing and impact on the world determines strength). What would cause him to go into despair, what would his witch be??? I bet he’d be the type to join the Wings of the Magius from Magia Record, but he’d also be the type not to. It’s so fun to think about.A crossover-Rotbtd, duhhh

-Avengers crossover. How would he react to seeing Thor, but he’s like hella inaccurate to what he’s seen. I’d love to see all the sarcastic exchanges between him and Tony cuz I feel like they’d butt heads.

-Jane & the Dragon OKAY. Cuz like, giant talking dragon??? he’d go nuts!! Dragon finding out there’s other dragons out there, Jane losing her shit reading the Book of Dragons!! Hiccup fawning over Jane’s dragon sword. Smithy and Hiccup just talking about blacksmithing. Princess Lavinia not giving Toothless a second of rest and asking Hiccup a bajillion questions. I love itOTP (or OT3+ etc…. just… favorite ship)Hiccstrid, most def defCan’t see him with anyone else tbh

Other ships?I guess him with a really well-written OC, but like even then it’s weird to me. Hijack is fun but nothing I’m really intoBROTP-Him and Toothless, duh.-Him and Snotlout, I feel like they’d cause a shit ton of chaos together

-Hiccup and Fishlegs are so nerdy and it’s super adorable

NOTPHiccup and Heather. I just, no, just no.An assortment of headcanons!

-I’ve said this before, but I like to think he hates hugs. Or at least hugs from people 3 times his size. It’s painful and very jarring.

-The line from the first movie by Gobber where he says to Hiccup: “Oh you’ve made plenty of marks, all in the wrong places” makes me think Hiccup has a lot of scars or injuries on him from whatever happened before the first film. Like maybe an invention went wrong and he hurt himself, or a dragon attacked him so he may have some slight wounds from that.

-When he was younger, he used to believe in all sorts of magic and fantastical things. Everyone thought it was because he just hung around with Gobber too often, but who knows, maybe he may have seen a thing or two..

-He’s not much of a creative drawer, he sticks to practical things and tries to keep it as realistic as possible.

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

The deal with my deer tail: Continued from the last tagged post (MENTIONS OF EX’S AND OHS OFF THE PORT BOW).

Like, I’m very painfully aware that this is %200 a trauma/coping thing that I’ve developed for myself now because deer were … My exe’s absolute favorite animal of all time ever and he associated with them deeply in regards to certain aspects of his personality and hobbies and this kinda plays a little bit into why I was attracted to him in the first place because it was such unique interest for someone to have and then ….Of course his favorite film ever was “Bambi” like, to the point of having the plushies and the original ORIGINAL book by Felix Salten along with it’s original sequel book and everything and it’s like …So odd for me because I live right by the woods in the middle of nowhere anyway and not a day goes by without discussion of these creatures in my house or without an offer to go “deer spotting” or “Bambi Spotting”… And I don’t have much room to say “no” because who would say “no” to deer sighting so I typically just go along with as if it doesn’t effect me because I have no choice…..  And anyway outside of my home life I know tumblr typically loves deer and deer aesthetics as well and while I thought I’ve been trying to go out of my way to avoid this particular animal (at least on social media if I’m unable to in my home life) for the longest time because I associate them so deeply with my ex … Because deer were *HIS* thing … I’m slowly coming to terms with this creeping realization that I’ve had that I’ve not only been surrounded by the actual animal since before I met him …. But I’ve also just … Been surrounded by just …. All these deer characters and deer aesthetic since he left me…. And that also hurts me ….Because ….Since he’d been trying to find ways to get back in contact with me for the better part of the decade yearly since then, without ever apologizing, and since 2017 I’ve only had two years without receiving something from him in order to fully process how he’d been in my life for a near full decade like, wether I wanted  him to be or not … That sort of just … devolved into this odd habit of me projecting unto certain characters with these kind of aesthetics and relationship dynamics to help cope because he never gave me anything else and it’s weird because I started to seek out these things and look at them in context to my relationship with this person and I just felt ….. bittersweet but okay because I would think of him and I would think of the way that he used to make me feel and feel and I would feel sad but because of the nature and narrative that I was projecting toward I would also feel comforted in a way and validated and calm? Which is also the way I’d start to feel whenever I’d see an actual deer or mention of deer or even see clips or concept art from “Bambi” or a baby deer …

But ………

So back in 2018, just a couple days after what would have been one of our “anniversaries” had past, and I hadn’t even keeping track of how many at that point but like, basically something happened that triggered me into a remember the time that in 2013 he had found my tumblr and followed me without warning, context or permission, without even speaking to me after finding me the year before this just to let me know how much he couldn’t care less about me, apparently ….. which, sure, Jan.

But … This time he was freaking me out because he was just following me silently on a blank account out of nowhere and I kind of managed to find what could’ve been considered my first ever girlfriend within the six months to a year that he’d been out of my life and it is me and this new girl had only “official” for 3 days after like, 6 months of slow burn flirting with each other and then this other cowardice arsehole who didn’t even have the dignity to speak to me proper was … Someone who had known for me for 3 years and someone whom I had once shared the most intimate parts of myself with.

In short I could already foresee this becoming a pattern after he’d managed to contact me the last time so I ended up breaking down and having a panic attack.

I didn’t know what to do and I felt sick to my stomach and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot, so…  I made a screen cap and a post and kind of explaining who he was and how he hurt me and how I didn’t want him hurting my girlfriend or anyone else so just PLEASE don’t talk to him etc. And then I blocked him and threw up. And would-be-girlfriend blocked me the next day because of this…

A couple weeks later around New Years, I decided to log into the old hotmail account that I had just because I was curious….

The first email that he sent me was to let me know that he was going to follow me on tumblr and he was asking how my Christmas was and inquiring how I was doing, he wanted to know if I was “fine”. His version of pet names all included as if nothing had gone wrong between us ….

The next three emails, sent within minutes of each other, each only sentences long, were all responding to my reaction to his following me on tumblr without a word, without context, and seemingly without context …. These emails all of which I did not end up saving or screen caping because…. I’m pretty much 99% freaking. Percent. SURE! That he stated something passively along the lines of: “ If I REALLY wanted to *BLANK* , I would have done so… >.>” cause I distantly remember his little side eye emoji that he placed after the words “done so”  and like, it’s really easy to kind of place the words “HURT YOU” in the middle of that, because that’s what I was talking about him doing in context, which would lead to at least vaguely remembering this in a full sentence as: “If I REALLY wanted to hurt you, I would have done so … >.>”

So yes, I’m at least 99% sure that he had threatened me, like that …  

And of course I didn’t respond, but I do remember feeling threatened enough that it made my heart race and it made me cry and I needed to ask my mom for champaign to calm and I also remember that the whole reason why I didn’t save those emails was because if I did it would make the threat real and would need to tell my parents and I just didn’t want to think of him that way or what he’d meant by that and because this was already becoming a pattern, I didn’t want to spend another entire year of being paranoid he was planning something …

And he also kept going about what a nice guy he was and told me to have a nice life and told me he was gonna check up on me anymore and said that I treated him like shit …

So I just took a sip of my champaign, told myself I’d see him in a year, and deleted his emails… This was in 2013.

In 2014, I caught him spying on me through the visitors page of an account I’d already gone out of my way to block him on, and I noticed that, even though it been two years, he still had the icon that I had personally picked out for him as his avatar, an odd memory to keep from someone you claim to not care about, constantly ….

In 2015,  he sent me a silent skype request…

In 2016.. He found my tumblr again …Actually saying something where I could access it this time … He sent me like, 7 IM’s and for the most part was back to being nice as pie, back to his version of calling me pet names and everything …  claimed that he just wanted to say Hello …

He said that we could talk someday if I wanted to and that it was up to me … I still didn’t answer, because for one this was past midnight on Friday The 13th and when I saw that I had 7 IM’s and a new follower I just …. I got this sinking gut feeling that I knew that it was him and then I told myself that I was being paranoid again and that he couldn’t possibly because I’d already blocked him and so I opened up the messages just to prove to myself that I was wrong and got met with his username and a single smiley face emoji like:

:)

“:)” Was the first thing I saw when I opened his messages…

And I immediately closed them out again and I closed tumblr out and I just sat there …. for awhile … Because the last thing he did say to me verbally was to threaten me and tell me that I treated him like shit …  And I had no way of knowing what could be behind that smiley face …

But I needed to know … So I opened the messages and read them …

And that’s when he went back to being as nice as his own pie recipe and seemingly pretending like those emails and the spying didn’t happen …

Like, I don’t know if he knew I knew about them, but I have an inkling he must’ve otherwise he wouldn’t have been that cocky … “:)” is not a friendly smiley face, nor will it ever be.

And in the middle before all that he was like: “Let’s hope you don’t bite my head off this time …. xD” referring back to only the 2013 incident when I said something indirectly and that scared away the girl I was about to maybe start something with, again as if that didn’t happen ….

So, I didn’t answer him, because he didn’t earn it.

So like yeah, back in 2018, due to …. certain contexts of certain things which would also lead into me having anticipated myself getting caught up in an over abundance of people’s appreciation for deer, due to something that I not mention, I’d also been triggered/hit with a sharp realization that, October 27th, 2019 would have been the 10 year anniversary of having met that person in the first place, if he hadn’t discarded me after 3 years and then spent like, the better part of the decade trying to get in contact with me, upon the deeper realization that, even as of now, I’ve only really officially had this person out of my life for two years, and on top of that, he’d still find a way of showing up in my life Every. Single. Year. For the past four years. And now I would have to be dealing with an over abundance of deer and ‘Bambi’ references and puns, even more so than I obviously did and still do now, in my home life…

So my reaction was to laugh. REALLY fucking hard. And then I realized that deer might actually just…. LEGIT be my trigger always and then I started crying laughing cause I was just like “OH dear GOD… (and I can’t even like, say that that or type that without it already being a pun without it being a pun …which only makes it FUNNIER …) I might LEGIT have Bambiphobia!”

And then I broke down. Because I didn’t know how to feel about this or how I was gonna deal with it.

I’m still figuring out how I feel about this and how I’m dealing with it ….

My ex  …. Was….He wasn’t a very complex boy but, he had always been more ,… In touch with things like femininity and sensitivity, or at least made a show of it, but I’d like to think he was genuinely like that considering what his interests were and he might’ve been autistic too just, looking back on things in context?

(His absolute FAVORITE music to listen to was also Owl City and he loved Adam Young, and considering Adam Young is self diagnosed and my ex’s special interest in deer, and Bambi and the books and the plushies and the the way he could just …talk and talk to me about anything for hours and hours and hours and we’d never we’d never get tired of each other…. I’ve just been doing all this math in my head I’m not trying to imply anything bad about these things and they all play into factors of why I was originally attracted to him to begin with).

He openly identified as Bisexual before I even knew what that was for myself and still kind of considered myself “Straight but not Narrow TM” or whatever kind of definition I saw on Television.

He wrote poetry as a hobby and of course knew how to play the piano while I did none of those things.

He was 17 when I met him but due to cultural difference of where he lived… he enjoyed wine and opera.

He was extremely well spoken and charming and articulate, and he also loved Mr. Rodger’s and Albert Einstein to the point of just having just … One big black and white poster of Albert in his room and one time, he was going on about his admiration for Rodger’s and so innocently told me how he intended to write and send him fan-letters one day and then reasonably became extremely upset when I informed that Rodger’s passed away, and I felt even more so helpless to comfort him when he asked me if I could tell him a little bit more about Rodger’s life to make him feel better and I knew absolutely nothing about the man aside from vaguely remembering that I used to watch his show when I was small …

So yeah my ex’s personality could essentially be summed up as: “ Eccentric, Silly “Smart” boy”, if I needed to …

He once excused himself when I told him that I needed to eat soon and came back, all decked out in a tuxedo to “have dinner together”, and I was about to eat a taco…

This one time he noticed that I was super uncomfortable and upset because I just watched this disgusting ableist film that had like incest in and shit and I didn’t wanna tell him but he got it out it out of me and HE KNEW WHAT FILM I WAS TALKING ABOUT AND THEN WANT ON BIG RANT AND ESSAY ABOUT HOW VILE IT WAS AND HOW I SHOULD PAY IT NO MIND AND AFTERWARDS HE WAS LIKE: “You know what? We need some music to wash the taste out of our mouths…” and then he just started playing the piano to calm me down further.

And I’m only saying it like this because incase no one has noticed it’s been a little bit more… Confusing? For me to try and throw a man like this into everyone’s typical “FuckBoyTM” box and call that “Healing”.

I wouldn’t even wanna put labels on him …  

I genuinely feel as though I would need to think back to olden times in order to find a way to insult him that would accurately combat and deconstruct the amount of passion we brought out in each other, if it is appropriate to speak of my feelings for him in this context.

His mistreatment of women that he did not like …. Left much to be desired in regards to his attitude. Though his comments were mostly reserved for his half sister, my half sister, and fictional characters and I’m not bringing this up to try and say that this was justified or frame it into a: “Well, he never did that to ME sort of picture …” Though, the odd thing is that, for all the things that my younger self had shared with him, after his abandonment, ever year for four years I’d kept on waiting for the shoe to drop and for him to call me names and slurs and for the verbal abuse to finally commence and he just …

He wouldn’t do any of that. He never did. Not once. Not even during times he would get angry with me when we were together.

So when HE DID, lose his patience with me, he never resorted to name calling, so when he said and did things that hurt me, that he should’ve known better for doing, that meant he was really fucking harsh ….

So harsh, that one night….. It would be the final night I’d ever thought I’d speak to him again. Or at least begin to test him to see if he would come back and apologize and therein lies the the issue: HE ALWAYS came back, HE NEVER apologized.

Perfect. Gentleman. (Of course I’m using sarcasm).

Seriously, you know that new chat post about Male Victorian Novel Protagonist has fucked by his Lady Love and Knows This, BUT is Too Proud to admit this though still pines for her so when he speaks to her now he just: *sweats*…Is your family in good health?

Legit triggers my PTSD cause for the past four years with me it’s been just: Hey mate. Wanted to see how your X-mas was. Is your family okay? Are you fine? I’ve got some time off… Okay fine, I won’t check on you anymore, it’s not like I still love you or anything, baka! >.<  *cue two more  years of silent bating before* Hey kiddo you doing okay? I know it’s late but my days off today and if you wanna talk someday you can I’ll leave you alone now! :)

Like I know I’m paraphrasing but that’s pretty much it (and I know I know I’m sorry for the “baka” joke, but he WAS a huge otaku nerd to a certain extent and all the anime that I would watch before I really started interacting with AMV editing community on YouTube was recommended him so needless to say I do not watch Anime so much anymore but I couldn’t resist making a “baka” joke in my own mind while reading his poorly veiled passive aggression and it’s written down and out of my system how I’m gotten to properly share one of the ways I’ve teased him for this if only in my own mind.

The thing that makes me feel weird/guilty about all this though is despite his behavior suspicious as shenanigans, he’d only ever attempt close contact once per year (as far as I know) and as far as I know aside from that one time I’d caught him spying on an art group from an account I’d already blocked him on which I don’t really know how he found (which okay, still a little shaken up about that one every time I type about it) his way of always popping up in my life somehow never really strayed from his ordinarily open way of trying to do it, and he’d never verbally abuse me or call me names or slurs while this was happening, despite how condescending or ominous he was while trying to get a razzle out of me …

MEANWHILE, because I let him get a razzle out of me, no matter how long ago it was before I found cpunk, I ended up deliberately calling him an extreme ableist slur just to send him away from away from me, over what was nothing more than a silly misunderstanding and classic case of miscommunication because I couldn’t see his first email and didn’t think to check before I went off on him, regardless if the misunderstanding could’ve been prevented if he communicated directly or not.

And I was too caught up in my reaction to him choosing being ominous and condescending when once he finally decided to try to speak to me again after two years of silent lurking after the last time he tried to speak to me he passively threatened me, that I didn’t get to take back the use of my ableist language toward when I had the chance. Which is the only thing that I’d ever apologize for before his, if he ever gave me one, and of course not conditionally for the both of us.  

My ex’s most sensitive spot has always been his mental health and I’ve always known this because I found out once in the early stages of our relationship when we were roleplaying and I went a little too far with my character, so that’s in 2013 when I panicked I decided to say something…like that to upset him in hopes that he would leave me alone but I was really more hurt than I was scared and I would have confronted him directly but again I had a putting it quite bluntly flakey rebound “girlfriend” at the time and I had no idea where she was and I was freaking out and I didn’t want him putting me in a spot and I didn’t know what would happen if he left me alone. And this was at a time when I was taking the “stealth” mode about being disabled. Partially because of him (Gee I WONDER what could’ve happened).

The only person who knew this about me, very intimately (not intimately enough), was him and of course at the time I would NEVER tell my silly abled-bodied brit of a rebound girlfriend.

So, I did what I did and I said what I said.

At the time I only became slightly afraid when I read his reaction in those emails, and then the next year when I caught him spying on already blocked account and the blocking system worked both ways so I had no way of confronting him about it even if I wanted to ether way.

Though, I was admittedly slightly comforted knowing that he never changed the icon I’d picked out for him ….enough to kinda calm me down a bit…… Is that weird of me? It was weird of him.

Now because of this trigger and the context of certain things as to WHY this was such a strong trigger and in context of certain things that we both said… and in regards of the way he handled trying to get back in contact with me for four years and responded to the one reaction he got out of me and proceeded to continue the pattern for 3 years when he couldn’t just used that time to apologize like I’d been waiting for him to do and meanwhile I’m still… confused  and guilty … because the first and final reaction he ever got out of me was …that.

For the past year now…. I haven’t been able to stop myself from crying and I just don’t feel like I can let it be like this anymore because I already felt awful about everything before but relating everything in context of the trigger which is another case where I could actually use it help cope is just making me feel so much worse.

What makes this even worser though is that this particular trigger is not only very popular and very public and with this substantial involvement of deer and deer aesthetics and then certain aesthetics  and even names …. That I feel like only the two of us would get that it’s just ouch… But like, this thing is also interconnected with Owl City, like not officially but in it’s own way? Which is one of the first things that I thought of once I let the trigger settle because one of the FIRST questions that my ex asked me the day that I met him was wether or not I liked Owl City and I had never even heard of them before so I looked them up and my heart melted and I just knew I had to keep this God Damn Fucking Ray Of Sunshine in my miserable life and never let him go….

And I like to think obviously that the tables must have turned a little bit since then which is another part of what makes using my triggers as coping mechanisms if I can, so cathartic and funny to me and why people can pry this method from my hysterical hands …..

But what I’m getting at here making the Owl City mention even though I hadn’t had myself listen to a single Goddamn thing of theirs for 7 years up until this FREAKING. YEAR (because the tears were already flooding, my honey’s, so I figured MIGHT AS WELL! And yes I did end up crying my eyes out like I knew that would happen if I’d ever let myself listen to Adam Young ever again …) is that… This this thing….. That I love….. Is also a thing my ex would love ….And the reason that all my projectional coping mechanisms work so well is because the dynamics that remind me of our relationship tend to work both ways and is probably part of the reason how I was able to keep (at least reasonably) calm through the 4 years he kept tabs on me was because I felt like I had this very specific trope-y outlet to project my feelings onto and I know that he was a nerd so, if he was … paying attention and absorbing the same media I was …(he would’ve already learned how to apologize…)

No, but seriously, the difference is with THIS media though… Is because it has so many ties to so many of his own aesthetics and things he enjoys …..I just know ….. That he was seeing exactly what I was seeing. I was DREADING the concept of knowing that I was going to fall in love with this thing from the very beginning and it got to the point where I’d be reminded of certain elements I’d forgotten or I’d see certain things play-out for the the first time and, my breath would hitch in my chest …. and I feel guilty (You cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this you cannot be attracted to this. Not THIS time. Not again. Never again.  Stop it …. Stop it…Stop it.  Because ether way this is bad. This is terrible. This is going to be by far the WORST one because you know it involves the actual THING now for both you instead of just elements of the thing why are you subjecting yourself to this?!  You know he’s seeing this right now….If he watched the Owl City thing that we’re not watching, then he’s watching this. And YOU shouldn’t be watching this ether!

And so, I would discipline myself to disassociate: You will NOT project THAT relationship onto these two characters, they haven’t even interacted yet!

And then …. that happened. They interacted. And it obviously felt so much worse then…. I prepared myself two seconds in for how it was gonna play out. But I wasn’t prepared that it would end ….or even be that close to home. And then I reminded myself that he was probably watching the same thing that I was, as I’ve always done because it was fun being reminded I was right, my only solace really because projecting myself through these characters was the closest I’d ever get to an apology, but the time that the first viewing was over, everything just felt so wrong and I just felt so uncomfortable about everything and I started to cry cause I knew my reactions to this dynamic were gonna be the most intense from here on out and ………I was so confused and afraid of my own emotions at that moment… And I was feeling a lot of them.  

What concerned me the most here though,  was being almost certain of the fact that that, if I was watching and it triggered a reaction, HE was most likely watching and it triggered a reaction.... And given the context of the trigger that I’m talking about .... I mean, if it hit close enough to send me into a freaking emotional whiplash and make ME breakdown and make cry and make sick enough to tell my parents and they didn’t even care ... because they said that they already “knew”...(not even discussing the fact that a year later, I would be assaulted by the one man in my family who should have never been the one to guide me through something so awkward but who “helped” me through this emotionally but, again would beat me a year later while my useless mother watched and laughed and would tell me it was it was my fault and I would end briefly removed from my home because of this because he’d left me with bruises and a permeant physical scar    ... over food) 

...then, I can’t help but think of how my ex would ....Ether be absolutely disgusted with himself or... be... very entertained by all of this. Or both. I know I’ve been both.

And oh, remember all that emotional whiplash I just mentioned in the above paragraph? Well it’s only gotten worse as time went on. Right now I’d say it’s at it’s peak.

Funny this thing is ....I’d been trying to fight back against this temptation to reach out to my ex since this whole thing started and like .... Once we were well into 2019 I just .... realized that fighting this wasn’t going to work anymore if certain circumstances were going to be what they were and things ended up cutting so close to what I feared that it almost doesn’t matter anyway and it still hurts me just as much if not now more so, because of other certain happenings that I will not mention.  

And now I can openly admit why the entirety of 2019 has just felt like a ticking time bomb to me. Like of course there are plenty of other factors adding into why .... I’ve been preparing to go through with reaching out to him now but ,like... My paranoia has been like, trying to tell me that this has all just been one big long game or a test and has been making me feel as though he had somehow pre-planned this all and is he currently anticipating me contacting him before 2019 is over.   

And that notion is driving me just as bananas as the idea of actually letting myself go through with contacting him.

So I might as well.

I mean ....

Our relationship was taken extremely seriously by the the both of us for the most part... up until the end.

And we were technically each others first times. 

We weren’t even dating, really... I just refer to him as my “ex” to make things less complicated..... But for those three years.... We were each others partners....In a way. It just makes things easier to say He Vas My Boyfriend.

I’m suggesting it that would make sense if he would want to try getting back in contact with me and check on me but feel shy and not know how to make it better since he’d have to understand how he fucked up that badly. And for a time... he was the only one who kept extending the invitations for contact.

At least this way I can check to see if he’s okay. 

Everything is so fucked up. I know this.

Though Christmas might be the right time to except his last open invitation, all things considered.

I would’ve originally had more time to plan this out had it not been for everything that happened.

My coping mechanisms are as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a doubled edge sword. 

I’m just a creature. That’s it. I cannot change this.

I might not be online for a while.

Another Friday the 13th.

Well fancy that.

[teikokusuffering]

Inazuma Rewatch  Episodes 1-11

This begins my adventure in canon reviewing for Genda to roleplay him on dreamwidth. The thoughts are shotgunned and mostly written as they came to me with no coherent fashion. Also most of these are live reactions that I did in plurk hence the format of them. Also fair warning I do curse so that’s in there too.

Canon reviewing just makes me look up at the sky within the first seven seconds because how did I forget how Try Hard they were in making Teikoku out to be the villain of the show

I will also never be over this fucking tank 

ah Kidou you had dignity for like half an episode After this begins your slow descent into never being dignified ever again oh no I forgot how cute the bitty soccer team Endou plays/practices/coaches is why didn't we get like an arc with them growing up and joining Raimon or such that would have been adorable jesus christ I forgot Gouenji has a sick ass guitar solo bgm when he shows up also I like how none of the teachers in this school are at all phased by endou like how long did it take them to get used to this child being who he is there it is the exact moment Kageyama fucked up he challenged Raimon to a game that was like poking the sleeping dragon you know better then to do that Kageyama you have a history with this school dramatic shadow effect over Teikoku up to like three now where the fuck do all of these tires come from? Endou do you have a dimension to pull those from? I still am in love with the fact the only reason Endou's grandfather's techniques have remained a secret is because of horrible handwritting not due to super fancy code or hidden messages nah bruh he just sucked at writing and explaining himself is all and Someoka with the first "Soccer isn't a game" one liner what weather wizard did Teikoku pay to cause that storm cloud effect as they roll on in with their fucking tank bus part of me is not even shocked anymore over the honor guard, only with soccer balls and not rifles, and red carpet dramatic moment of Teikoku arriving but a part of me is still just Fucks sake Teikoku chill kids you are fooling no one with your "practice" that is straight up showing off on the highest tier there it is the moment Kidou's fate was sealed Endou being Endou despite the fact that shot was a deliberate attempt to hurt Genda's first line in the entire show and it's basically code for "Here Kidou kick their asses I'll hold your earrings" I'm pretty certain there is a mercy rule in soccer like there is in baseball so I know this score is just ridic really oh wait that's right this game will not end until Gouenji shows himself my mistake Oh Max I have missed your blunt destroying of self confidence that you accidentally do trying to be helpful also this entire scene is so disconcerting because it shows that Endou really is knowledgeable about this sport and how to be a captain which flies out the window when he does a Stupid in the name of soccer and I'm just like Endou please god Someoka and his anger issues over Gouenji all this anger in this episode and then the awkward that is Endou and Gouenji before Gouenji just gave in and joined this soccer team meanwhile back on the ranch: Kidou gossips plots and shares intel with Hemni regarding Raimon and what this is causing regarding schools taking notice and basically rents a fifty foot neon covered billboard to tell us that Domon is going to arrive soon how did I ever take these kids seriously they try so hard to be edgy it's ridic 

I have finally reached the episode in this slow as hell canon review to meet the character that deserved so much more then he got 

Domon deserved a better soccer husband then what he settled for he put up with so much both as a double agent and as someone having to suffer constant exposure to a Raimon still learning how to stand on its own ah yes the moment we first really learn just how much of a douche the teacher/coach for Raimon really is Endou's father is still the purest of the adults in this series ...the fucking secret fort is still horrible no matter how I look at it children please that is not how we share secret information /wheezes at how everyone but Gouenji and Domon are shocked at Endou reading the secret notes those two just look so proud I also forgot how up in the personal bubble Kazemaru is regarding Endou in the early season like Kazemaru pls fuck Kidou and his hiding behind lampposts I keep forgetting he does this so much child child please ah the start of the Gouenji Endou friendship is so awkward as Gouenji is still realizing what he has signed himself up to follow Kabeyama tries so hard for this team technique with Gouenji I also keep forgetting Gouenji and his socks that are such a different color from anyone else like who let you do that? Are you one of those types of sports people that have lucky items they have to wear while playing a sport? Kabeyama's fear of heights is so real excuse me as I sit here and laugh brokenly as I remember how naive I was thinking that these episodes right here was the gist of the show despite all of the giant hints they keep doing with Kageyama I want to know how many of those kids collecting data on Raimon were being paid by a different school then they one they actually attended for that data like you can't tell me with how sophisticated that equipment was that they weren't being paid by several schools for that data meanwhile Kidou and Sakuma are just like 'amateurs' considering they legit stalk and have an inside man on the team instead of just filming and observing the practices good christ I forgotten how much Kidou just dunks on the cyborg team over them thinking a computer simulation is good enough to figure out Raimon like bitch please he can't figure them out what makes you think you can? I keep forgetting episode 8 is the start of Endou's leaving the fucking goal open 

episode ten is just full on, no stops at all drama 

when they decided to start the pain train for Kidou they just shot it out like a bullet also goddamn Kageyama just spell it out in fine detail you see these kids as mindless puppets for you to control why don't you god how many horrible backstories can we cram into one episode Inazuma Eleven: Teikoku kids must suffer Don't be related to a Teikoku kid and def don't be a friend of one that way leads to being part of a painful backstory also I repeat Domon deserves so much more look an episode with the one I'm actually canon reviewing for! I best savor this as I won't see him for like ten more episodes after this 

Genda: /standing next to Kidou and has no idea wtf to say that isn't soccer related, praises the rest of the team instead of actually saying anything else. Kidou: /stands silent while intensely gazing into the distance this is it this like forty second conversation is 90% of this social link how they have achieved the "Will die for you" level on the s-link rank is a mystery well okay Genda pretty much had that as level one/two for Kidou because it's Kidou all of Teikoku would die for Kidou because this disaster apparently has a +50 modifier when it comes to Teikoku wait no NOPE NOPENOPENOPE this is the episode where Kageyama basically destroys an already emotionally compromised Kidou even more no #ProtectKidou2018 Kageyama even calls Kidou a "perfect being" not a perfect human being just a being also who the fuck picked this particular piece of music for this scene this is not a nostalgic happy moment anime this is a man brutally destroying a kid's sense of self and self worth in order to keep him in line fuck god the magazine scene is still horrifying to watch as you see that dawning realization that Kidou Made A Mistake when he reacted to Kageyama going for that magazine jesus christ it just hit me how fucking insanely watched and scrutinized Teikoku is just it only now hit me that during the entire talk between Kageyama and that minion Kageyama has multiple screens from various angles all watching the practice fields in real time as the team practices and we know that the team knows this is a thing considering in episode 11 when Kidou decides to create his rebellion with the team he makes sure to plan it in a random hallway and not on the field where someone could watch and listen in on this whole thing

[unwoundvisions]

Cayla (1974)

How well does your muse deal with stress? Do they do anything in particular to help them deal with it, and if so what do they do?

If it’s a stress I personally have to deal with like work, I focus on it way too much. I use the stress as this horrible motivator to do whatever needs to be done. I’m a perfectionist so stress is not really my friend. I’ll easily break down and angry cry over it. However, I’ve yet to find a healthy way to manage stress.

What are their immediate views on romantic love?

I don’t really have a lot of experience in that depart but I’m not opposed to it. It’s something everyone should get to have in their lifes if they want to.

Do they react well when they develop feelings for someone and if not why?

Again, this doesn’t happen often so I wouldn’t know. I mean, if I did, I think I would handle it...okay? I’m just very hesitant to open myself up to someone.

How do they show affection nonverbally? Are they likely to show affection with their words as well?

I’m more verbal than physical because I’m hesitant to invade anyone’s space with my touch. However, if I know they don’t mind, I’m very physically affection. Holding hands, hugs, all that sugary sweet things people do I like as long as I know they don’t mind.

Are they the friendly sort or do they prefer to let others start off interactions with them?

I let others come to me. I’m not very confident in my people skills so I never seek interactions out right away.

Does your muse have any sort of verbal tics or impediments?

I have a bad habit of saying legit, like, uh and apparently. I sometimes do stutter when I’m nervous but usually only at the start of the sentence.

Is your muse apt to stab someone in the back in any way? If so, would they admit to doing so or would they lie to cover it up?

Not really. I’m pretty loyal but I could see myself maybe doing it accidentally. If that was the case, I’d probably admit it.

How devoted are they to their loved ones? Would this devotion delve into the obsessive side?

I am very devoted but not at all obsessive.

What sorts of things would they be willing to do for friends? For family? For their significant other(s)?

Just about anything. Those are the people I love the most so of course I’d do anything for them.

Are their nights plagued with past memories or nightmares in general? What do they usually entail if so?

Dreams in general are very rare for me to remember. However, on the off chance I am having a nightmare, it’s always going to be something about a very gory or dangerous situation. I don’t have nightmares about monsters but about horrible real life things happening to me.

How do they usually sleep, in what position? Do they like plenty of pillows, blankets and/or plush toys?

I usually sleep on my stomach but will wake up on my side or back. I only really need one blanket and of course, I have Pooh.

Are they adept at using technology of any kind or do they typically need help with it?

I’m pretty good with most technology. Just don’t try to get me to figure out the lights for boy’s show. So many buttons. So many lights. I just can’t. I’m also not very good with cars. I can drive one but lord forbid I ever break down or get a flat tire.

Is your muse good with their hands, or do they tend to be fairly clumsy?

I am good with my hands in the sense that their steady and I can draw very basic things. I can be a bit mildly clumsy though. I drop shit all the time.

Do they prefer to think ahead or to leap right in and wing things?

Think head. I’d plan out everything if I could.

What kinds of things inspire your muse and does your muse tend to inspire others?

I’m inspired a lot because of the people in my life. I’m inspired a lot by the boys music. I’m really inspired by movies and plays. I suppose I technically inspire people? I’m not sure why but I’ve had songs written about me and I’m honored. If I had any talent I’d make something for them.

Does your muse think they’re mentally or physically strong?

I’m mentally somewhat strong. I think I’m capable in that aspect but physically strong, no way. Freddie’s helped me learn about about physical strength but just the basics.

Do they believe in luck? If so, would they consider themselves lucky or unlucky?

100%. It happens alll the time. People can work their entires lives at their dreams and simply never get anywhere unless they are magically seen by the right people. That takes luck.

If they had the opportunity, would they prefer to know what’s going to happen in the future or not? Why?

No. It’d give me way to much anxiety and that is saying a lot because not knowing freaks me out too.

How strongly do they listen to their intuition? Is their intuition usually correct or incorrect?

I think I listen to it 100%. Thankfully, it’s never led me wrong. I got a tarot reading once and they said one of my strongest capabilities was my intuition..

What kind of things get them frazzled or anxious? Do they tend to handle them well or get swept up in the moment?

Having too much work and too little time to do it, crowds in tight spaces, loud music and bustling people. Sometimes, I can handle all of these pretty well. Other times, I’ll get very anxious and start crying just because I’m overwhelmed.

Are there are any items they own that have sentimental value to them?

Pooh has sentimental value to me. I didn’t get him at a young age, but I did have a sentimental attachment to the character from the books. I’ve also got Cinderella snowglobe that I got as a kid. I don’t even like the character too much but it’s such a nice snowglobe and plays such a nice song that I never gave it away. I also keep movie tickets. I keep them in jar. I really don’t know why but it’s become important to me.

What kind of clothing and accessories do they prefer to wear? Are there are any particular reasons outside of general comfort that they like wearing these?

I prefer to be comfortable for the most part unless the occasion calls for something else. I stick to jeans, t shirts, leather jackets, nothing really extravagant. I’ll happily dress up for a party and I don’t really mind dressing up for business meetings either but I’ll always prefer comfortable clothes.

Can they withstand manual labor? Do they avoid manual labor as much as possible, and if so, why?

I can do it but I fucking it. I’ll avoid it but eventually I’ll force myself to do it.

How good is their memory? Has it always been like this or did something happen to make it this way?

I think it used to be good but as it’s gotten older, it’s not that great. I think that’s common though.

Are they sickly or get sick often?

I think I get sick easy. I’m not sure why either. Usually after being around a ton of people, I always end up having some type of cold. It’s annoying.

What sort of medication, if any do they have to take, if any? Do they refuse to take it, forget to take it, or do they prefer to keep on it?

I don’t really have any and I’m thankful for it.

What kind of textures (e.g. silky, rough, slick, etc) do they prefer?

I’m not really picky when it comes to clothing texture. I would prefer it to feel comfortable and soft but it doesn’t have to. The only thing I hate is when cotton t-shirts feel really thick and dry if that makes sense.

How ambitious is your muse and what are their current goals? To what ends will they go to to make those wishes a reality?

I’m pretty ambitious but I try to make sure whatever goals I have are reachable ones. But at this point in my life, I’m really happy where I am and don’t really have any goals other than do more creative things when I can.

How well do they manage their money?

Pretty good for the most part but if I’m ever around Freddie or Elton, I’m in trouble and will spend far too much.

What sorts of things bring your muse comfort in trying times? Are there any habits they have when things get difficult to help cope?

Candles, ice cream, bubble baths, tv and Pooh.

Are they pessimistic, optimistic or somewhere in the middle? Was there anything that happened to them in their life that caused them to think in this way?

I’m pessimistic when it comes to myself but optimistic for other people. But if it’s about me, I automatically assume the worst will happen. It’s just always been that way.

Is your muse the creative type in any way? How do they usually express their creativity?

I’m pretty creative. I love writing, acting and stuff to do with film making. I usually expres my creative with writing though.

Do they have any sort of outlet they use as a means to cope (e.g. writing, drawing, playing music, etc.)? How’d they get into it if they do?

Writing for sure. When I’ve been really upset, I’ll write my feelings out to try to understand them in the moment and later.

Do they have anything that they have natural talent in? If so do they enjoy doing it or is it something they tend to forget about?

Acting, I suppose? That was something no one ever really taught me to do.

Are they a passionate person or do they tend to be more down-to-earth?

I’m passionate depending on the topic. But for the most part, I’m down-to-earth.

Are they the sort to wear their heart on the sleeve? If not, why?

In a way. I can’t control my emotions for the most part and usually if I’m upset or angry it pokes through. But when it comes to eagerly accepting love, no. One bad experience sort of made me hesitant to wear my heart on my sleeve.

Are they able to multi-task or do they prefer to keep at one thing at a time?

One thing at a time. I can multi-task but I understand everything a lot better if I can fully focus on one thing.

How big is their imagination? Do they tend to share these ideas or keep them to themselves?

I have a pretty big imagination but I keep it to myself unless I know someone really wants to hear what ideas I have.

Do they tend to get lost in their own thoughts/daydreams?

I can if things are dreadfully boring. But I can usually force myself to remain focused.

[dingoes8myrp]

My Beef with Alien: Covenant

I had a lot of beef with this movie, and I didn’t expect to, so it really hit me in the face and left an unpleasant taste in my mouth that’s still lingering two days later. While this wasn’t a bad movie by any means, I personally strongly disliked it and I think it marks the nail in the coffin of this franchise. My reasons why are in a spoiler-heavy review below.

The opening scene really set this movie off on a bad note, in my opinion. I felt like I was in detention sitting in this room watching what looked like a deleted scene from Prometheus they crammed in here to remind us who David is, which made his “surprise” reappearance later a total “No shit” moment.

When Michael Fassbender-As-A-Different-Android was the first person we met aboard Covenant, that was just confusing. Two different androids have never been played by the same actor in the franchise, so the fact that suddenly Michael Fassbender is playing both David and Walter was kind of “Huh?” It made me think “Well, the only reason they did that has to be because at some point in this movie we’re not going to be able to tell David apart from this guy.” That totally took the punch out of David’s sneaky “I’m going to pretend to be Walter to get off this rock” moment and the twist of “Holy shit, it’s David!” because, yeah, no shit. We saw that coming a mile away. It also meant for the first act of the movie I was trying to figure out if Walter was legit, or if it was David in disguise, or what.

Right away, the ship was met with some kind of catastrophe because of course it was. Some guy burns up in a cryo chamber and I don’t care because we have no idea who Deep-Fried is until several scenes later when we gather he’s Short-Hair-Girl’s husband and Underqualified-Billy-Crudup is now our captain. This film lacked the character development we saw in Alien, Aliens, and Prometheus, which made this feel more like some “Random Teens Get Together in A Cabin in the Woods to Be Murdered” movie, only in space.

Speaking of which, we have a totally bloated cast of characters, none of whom are developed further than a few stereotypical surface traits, if that. When everyone starts dying horrifically right off the bat, we learn everyone on this ship was married to someone else. So when a chunk of the cast dies, most of the remaining characters are left emotionally crippled because “Oh my God, my spouse just died!” Literally, if you’re not a shady android, your only options as a cast member of this film were to be an expendable spouse or a grieving spouse. This meant that every single character was making dumb snap decisions because “Ahh! The grieving!” or something. I don’t even think anyone thought it through that much, to be honest. Oh, and of course we have our two non-emotionally-crippled cast members (also married, but we don’t know that until they die later), but they’re just hanging out on a ship awaiting further instructions and have no idea anything horrific is happening because comm problems. What?

Okay, we know this is an Alien movie, which means several cast members are going to die horribly. But, could you maybe not slap us in the face by not even bothering to give us any character development at all? “Here, watch a bunch of people die in space because aliens” really isn’t what made the original Alien great. We had a competent crew with a comradery we got to see before everything went to shit, which made their motives and behaviors make sense. This was like watching an improvised Whose Line is it Anyway skit where everyone got handed a slip of paper with a vague character description, and no one had any clue what anyone else was doing. It was like Crudup’s Wife didn’t even know she was his wife and when she died he only just remembered it himself. When the two Flight Crew people were showering together that was a total surprise. Nothing about them expressed they were at all fond of each other, let alone a couple. The only relationship I bought was Short-Haired-Lady’s and Deep-Fried’s and we don’t even get his end of it at all.  

When we get to the “explore a strange planet” part of the story everyone’s brains just fall out of their heads, and this is before everybody’s spouses die horribly. I mean, I get that these guys aren’t yet aware of the dangers of Xenomorphs because these are pre-Ripley films. However, this is still a strange planet they got some kind of weird message from. You would think there’d be some basic precautions like “don’t leave anyone alone somewhere because some screwy animal could jump out of a bush and bite somebody” or “don’t clomp all over strange looking spores with your big ass boots.” I mean, it makes no sense that before they leave Covenant they all pack their weapons as if they expect trouble, but then tra-la-la around the planet with no concern at all for their safety. No shit they all start dying, because everyone’s kind of stupid for no apparent reason. Examples? Alrighty.

Captain Crudup commits two horror movie sins at once by suggesting they split up so half of them can investigate the strange noise, which comes in the form of a garbled radio transmission. Captain’s Wife tries to wander off alone and is saddled with Guy with Cigarette as a sidekick. Doesn’t matter because they split up anyway and he contracts the space asthma and doesn’t let anyone know. Captain’s Wife notices Cigarette Guy’s not feeling well, but ignores it. Meanwhile Obnoxious Dude does the same thing as Guy with Cigarette in his group, going off alone and getting space asthma and not mentioning it to anybody. Captain’s Wife then decides to bring Sick Cigarette Guy back to the ship so he can spread his sick to everyone else, and Panicky Blond Girl lets them in because she doesn’t have a Man in Charge to tell her not to, ‘cause comm problems and Dipshit Captain.

Everything goes to shit quickly as Panicky Blonde Girl tries to handle a back-burster and instead makes the ship into a fiery hellhole. Luckily they have the Covenant crew waiting in the wings in case of this exact thing… oh, wait. Comm problems, so no they don’t. So, we have aliens chomping and bursting their way through this group of useless dummies, but totally-not-a-surprise!David shows up to rescue them. Except David is shady as fuck from his intro and while this is noted, no one seems to care. No one asks questions about all the corpses outside his dwelling either. Seriously, how did these people get their jobs?

The absence of Shaw was troubling to say the least, and David’s “she died in the crash” story stank of bullshit. As David’s sanity began to reveal itself to be absent and the crew got picked off one by one I wondered what the hell happened to this movie. The end of Prometheus set Shaw up to be our answer to Ripley in this collection of films, and suddenly she was unceremoniously killed off-screen between films and we get new underdeveloped characters so we can devote most of our time to David, who has become both the protagonist and the villain. Why did we skip over the cool story we were promised at the end of Prometheus to get stuck with this half-assed slasher film that basically tricked us into watching it?

I had some hope when we got back to Covenant and Short-Haired-Lady seemed like maybe she’d be our new heroine. Except Walter was clearly not Walter because Walter’s wounds healed on their own and we got a whole scene between Not!Walter and Short-Haired-Lady that revolved around her patching him up. Also, why did no one test this fucker when he came hobbling up to the ship, considering the evil twin story we’ve been dealing with since David Single-White-Female’d Walter’s hairstyle? Unfortunately our heroine is also inexplicably stupid and doesn’t figure this switcheroo out until she’s trapped in a cryo chamber being put to sleep by this crazy dude.

I’m not sure what was supposed to happen with this movie, but I know what definitely didn’t happen. We didn’t get a kickass heroine beating the odds, nor did we get a resourceful crew pitted against an unreasonable alien villain. The aliens became a backdrop for David to do his thing in as he played God and puppet-master and we sat and watched the fallout.

Alien franchise, I want my kickass heroine. I want the aliens. I want the scrappy crew. As pretty as Michael Fassbender is, I really didn’t need David to have his own movie. Maybe this direction was great for some people, but not for me. Alien: Covenant, missing the point.

[swearronchanel]

Kicking off the hiatus with 5.04

A few people have requested that I continue my commentaries™ during the hiatus & after all the positive feedback, I couldn’t say no! But I expected to have an awful day & it actually went well so I thought I’d go ahead and do it now. You know since I’m going to avoid all my responsibilities anyway it might as well be for a good cause🙃

I watched a lot of shameless on Netflix today so it’s nice to watch something wholesome for a change of pace 😂

“The world was shifting on its axis in 1961, strides were being made, decisions taken, questions asked..” Vanessa’s narration is always on point like I wish I had the patience to post all her quotes 😭😂

Aw sister Mary Cynthia! I hope she’s in the Christmas special

My bby trixie looking flawless while riding a bike, goals

But who is this nun they’re having a service for lol ??

Like it’s kinda irrelevant oops,  r i p & dios te bendiga but why do we care? at least I don’t

Isn’t this girl from something? She looks so familiar

i remember saying this before .. oh yea she’s from game of thrones I think. I don’t watch it though haha

“Angel? I could get used to that!” Aw my bby is so cute like yes trix ur an angel

yikes that cough lady, I have a stuffy nose rn and I’m hoping I don’t start coughing 😭cause then I wanna be in a coma cause I hate being sick

Aw he'a so excited! He got into university👏🏼 that was legit me though 😂 I’m so irrational and literally only applied to one university (well I filled out many applications but didn’t submit any others because you gotta pay so I tried to wait and see if I got accepted to where I wanted first😂) I found out in English while on my phone instead of doing work & I screamed and just ran out the classroom 😂 I went to my guidance councilor and told everyone in the main office and then called my parents who *were nervous I wouldn’t get in* but also were literally going through security in the airport on their way to Dominican Republic .. ah, I was full of excitement and hope. Look at me now 3 semesters in &I’m over it 😂😂 it’s so stressful and mentally/emotionally draining and sometimes I’m just like how do I become a trophy wife asap?

BACK TO THE SHOW THOUGH

My bby SHELAGH! 😍 she is so precious in her suit aww, but lets be real the navy suit is the best™ one she owns. But I still like her best in uniform at the clinic though 💁🏼

she’s over here giving a talk on giving birth at home & Im just like holy shit SHE JUST HAD A BABY IN THEIR NEW HOME, I STILL CANT BELIEVE IT😭!!!!

Tom’s so excited for Ian it’s so cute and sweet

And Tom is so cute and attractive ugh, he could get it

oh damn wait Mrs Cottingham has the baby with no limbs

aw yea and she wanted a girl

I agree though little boys are gremlins 😂😂 from ages like 7-14, get them away from me 😂

Ian all hopeful for their future and then boom he’s a dad. That went from 0 to 💯 real quick

Phyllis!! & lol sister W giggling

But damn why they all acting like Sister J is too old and incapable 😂 she wants to go to St Cuthberts, let her

Sister Monica Joan upset aw😭 don’t worry sister you’re Help is needed

Pats and Deels look cute “tanning” outside

“You want to see Anita Ekberg in that fountain just as much as I do”  Lmaoo 😂😂 for real though have u ever seen La Dolce Vita? Like Anita Ekberg was too hot to handle. I wish I looked that good damn

Trixie came to thirdwheel even though she isn’t unaware she is lol

But Trixie is serving summer looks™ I love it 😍

Damn though Patsy’s legs are pretty pasty 😂😂

Trixie wondering what the hell kinda magic bra Anita had on, literally same cause I want it. Always need good quality strapless bras for summer👍🏻

Patsy inviting Trixie and Delia gave the side eye omg 😂

Here comes Babs lmao

LOL DEELS IS SALTY OMG

ugh this is when Babs first got with Tom and they were annoying lmao, I got over it though

If I was Trixie I’d be lowkey mad too like that was her ex-fiancé but I’m glad they got over it and are friends despite that 💕 cause I know petty girls that would just cut the other off

WHY DO THEY PRONOUNCED SCHEDULE LIKE THAT? And honestly How?? Like I can’t even lol it’s hard. Oops is my American showing

Sister J out here

Ohh yea this matron is a bitch lmao, vete ya

What is the correlation between going to grammar school and getting pregnant ?? @ Ian’s mom

Lol Trixie’s just like pls don’t ask me

ugh get this nurse/matron or what ever tf she is off my screen before I smack her

I swear Jenny Agutter has such a relaxing voice, like she really can calm you down & tell you all will be well & you’ll just be like “yea you right”😭

Tom is so rational and sensible because if I walked in I’d immediately start screaming and all that like “calm tf down people" 

Pats and Deels sneaking around in a convent lol it gives me anxiety always thinking “oh shit u think someone will walk in?”

LOL OKAY TOM YOU TELL YOURSELF TRIXIE IS MAD ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE

Damn Tom you just made Babs feel like a rebound™

“Who’s to say we won’t carry on” ya will be fine & get married next year chill out

So Babs is only 23, how old are the other nurses *well how old do you think*??

WHEN WILL WE SEE A NONNATUN BIRTHDAY?? *I preferably want to see Trixie or Shelagh have one* but I’d take anyone really, like these people literally celebrate every other damn holiday/event but no one has had a birthday?? Except for Jenny and Chummy but they’re both gone lol

yikes emphysema, one of my grandfathers died from that. 70 odd years of tobacco smoking 😬 he did someone love to be 85 yrs old though. Idk how, he couldn’t breathe for so long

I love Phyllis just saying again for the millionth time

Aw Trix 💔 you will be happy soon💕😭

See! She said w/o Sister J she’d be screaming! Her presence is calming

Emergency c-section aye dios

Turn up at the pub

Lol funny how the dad gave Tom orange juice bc he’s a vicar but he was drunk af the night before his wedding 😂 drunk enough to have little memory and to be hungover the next day

we’ve all been there tho I don’t judge

Is it really CtM if there’s not at least one mention of babycham a series?

c-sections are wild omg

also I’ve never been under anesthesia so I’d be scared af

LOL & also I’ve never had a kid so that’s scary too duh

“Oh God another one” ahh omg

Do you think that was a doll ??

Again this show makes everything look real af so I never know

Is the doctor here the Mr Kenely that I hate??

They really left that baby there to die like o m g

Sister J praying/blessing the baby 💔💔 my freaking heart omg

again this nurse is on my screen and I need her to go, preferably to carajoland

“may the lord bless you and keep you”!! 💔😭

the third deformed baby and they didn’t report it??

“I’m not drunk” I mean you’re sitting on the floor in the bathroom so I’d think you were too 😂

Lol remember.. *cringes* no wait lets not

Tom worked in a record shop that’s cute

damn Tom do you really think telling them to just settle is the best way to comfort him

Aw sister J needs a hug😭😢💕

and yes prayer you’re right sister MJ

Sister MJ, Sister MC & Sister J comforting each other is so pure, all the they have scenes together wash my sins away for a second

wait where tf is sister Winifred lmao, did she just scadaddle after compline? snuck out to see a heathen movie i bet  jk jk I’m sure she only sneaks to quality films

but then I say dumb shit like that ^ or even worse/more inappropriate & the sins return😂😂

There’s my bby Shelagh! And in uniform, love it. 😭😍

Whenever Shelagh goes back to work next series I hope we see more of her being a nurse cause I love it

Wild that the hospital was just not saying anything about the deformed babies

Sister J coming to the best detective in Poplar, Dr Watson aka Shelagh Turner aka secret agent Shealgh Turnova™ 😂😂 *forever one of my fave lines of hers*

Lmao Tim helping out old ladies, being a good seed & too perfect of a teen

But damn boy comb your hair!

“I haven’t boiled any urine today, nice to have a change of pace” Lol Babs😂😂

oh no she’s bleeding 😢

I’m having flashbacks to Shelagh’s threatened miscarriage like lets not go down that painful memory lane  

Sister J told Ruby it was a girl bc she knew she wanted a girl ughhh 😢

Ruby thinks it was a punishment 💔 ugh my heart & ugh again makes me think of when Shelagh thought she was being punished/greedy when they told her she couldn’t have a baby 💔

Stop the sadness I say, stop it now

“We haven’t got a fairy godmother between us” WHERE IS PHYLLIS WHEN SHE IS NEEDED?

And Poor what’s her name 💔💔

oh yea it’s Linda omg how could I forget that’s my Gram’s name

But Shelagh and Trixie are interacting!!

It’s about a patient but at least they’re speaking right .. LMAO BUT WAIT ILL NEVER BE OVER HORMONAL SHELGH YELLING AT TRIXIE ABOUT THE FAMILY PLANING CLINIC ENTRANCE

ALSO: I’LL KEEP SAYING IT TILL I DIE, ALL I WANT IS A TRIXIE & SHELAGH FRIENDSHIP! 😭😭💕💖💖 they’re my bbys and I’ve been asking nicely

shit ¡¡ @beatrix-franklin wrote a damn essay as to why we need/want it !!

PLS LET IT HAPPEN @ HEIDI & OTHER WRITERS😭💔

Shelagh’s grey cardigan is actually cute *she just doesn’t need anymore lol*

“What the poor pet really needs is a good cry, a bottle of aspirin and a hug in no particular order..but the hug is of prime importance”  you see. We could’ve have a cute scene of Trixie visiting Shelagh in the hospital & a little parallel of when she visited her in the sanatorium

or Just give me Trixie hugging Shelagh and I’ll cry of joy 😭💕

omg wait

shit I forgot Ian put his head in the oven

Angela playing on the floor !! So precious 💖

“..Don’t think they’d thank you for that Patrick, they’re both younger than me”  Lol I always laugh at that, it’s kinda cute. I like when Shelagh has funny lines , why didn’t Patrick say anything back 😂 there could’ve been cute playful banter. Even this series we could’ve heard him call her an elderly primigravida is a joking/playful banter context ..BUT at least we know now Shelagh is 36!

Yea man those bombs impacted multiple generations

“So World War II is history now is it?” I seriously love these little lines of Shelagh’s lol. Also funny how she prob sees her self as old, and she was what, like my age, when the war needed?? 18 or 19 depending on her birthday (We’d know but nonnatuns apparently don’t ever have birthdays)

Shit. Wait..I feel. Kinda strange and scary to think my future children will learn in school the events I’ve lived through so far ??

okay lets not think about that

what’s the sluice? I know he washes instruments but what exactly is the sluice? The room ? Idk

Aw Angela crying, one of the the only times we’ve heard her make a sound lol

WAIT HE COULD BE SUED FOR BREAKING THE ENGAGEMENT WHAT??

“How long have we been broken off?” “A year. To be precise a year and ten days”  I know they weren’t really a good match but aw 😭 it was nice while it lasted

Trixie Bby 💔💔 happiness is coming your way I promise

“I never know when I love you the most. But I sometimes think these are the times I love you best..”😭😭 BYE IM DEAD AGAIN & MY HEART EXPLODED AGAIN😭💔💕💕

thinking about it though, they’ve never actually said I love you properly, have they??

See Patrick’s little med school anecdote, can Shelagh share one anytime soon? About anything from her past, I’m just curious.

Was that just a piece of “in the mirror” or is it playing in my head? Honestly it happens quite often, I’ll swear I hear a song and it’s actually in my head

alright Ian so why were you marrying her? you switching it up kid

I’m calling him kid like he’s not probably older than me lmao

Phyllis in her robe I love it

Trixie serving yet another look™😍

I’m so glad Trixie gave Babs her “blessing” & became good friends. So pure, we don’t need any more women being put against each other

“Fuzzy felt apostles” WHY AM I LAUGHING AT THAT? It’s not even funny?

Now the service for a nun we never knew, filled with extra nuns we will never know or care about.

I love that the nurses are at the service lol, like they probably don’t have to be but still there for fam

& Shelagh there wearin a mantilla, so sweet😭💕

“God hugs you” aw sister MC 😭❤️

You gotta admit even if you aren’t religious this show does make you feel some type of faith

“We knew so little then, in a world that seems so filled of opening doors and bright horizons. We thought only of what was new and better because it was new and better. And it would take us to places we had never been before.” VANESSA😭 she never fails with the narration, never.

Trixie helping Babs fix her bracelet bc there’s no hard feelings and she’s happy for them aw

“..We couldn’t see what was coming or understand yet what had already come to pass, yet so much still to learn”

Oh shit that foreshadow was heavy, especially because it ends with a shot of baby cottinghams body in the box.

I don’t think I picked up on that the first time ..                                     Anyway it’s 1:15am I should go to bed I have class in the morning 😭😂

The End.🙃

[luhkevin]

Analog

I’m trying to get back into film photography this year but like many other things it doesn’t feel as fresh as the first time. I don’t feel as excited when I’m out and about taking photos, but maybe it’s just that I don’t feel settled yet in nyc. What remains, though, is the excitement of receiving the developed photos. Somehow the anticipation -- opening the email link, downloading a huge zip file, seeing all my pictures from weeks, months ago -- still gets me.  I’ve been trying to find a cheaper film stock to use for more frequent photography, maybe even for a larger project. Portra is pretty expensive, and more than that, I feel bad wasting it on random street photography. It’s like taking really nice drawing paper and idk scribbling on it with some crayon. If I had easy access to a lot of lomo I would definitely use that for everyday shooting. It seems to have a more saturated look than portra, but I still like the colors. Ultramax and Superia 400 look the most “vintage” to me, and they’re also midtier price and quality-wise, so I think I’ll go with one of those. Plus, I like that “vintage” look. For black and white, I’ve only tried Acros and Ilford. Acros has this super creamy look, I absolutely love it, it’s beautiful. But it’s not available anymore, I could only find it in Japan, and I hear Fuji is discontinuing it and releasing a newer version. Ilford looks so legit, the grain is large and exquisite. I should try out Tmax and Tri-x, those are the professional ones.  There’s this scene in Claire’s Camera where one of the characters talks about changing things through the power of looking at a picture, looking at a picture for a long time and really focusing on what’s in it. I think that’s what this entire process of analog photography has forced me into doing. After importing my latest pictures I’ll sit and stare at some of the other pictures in my library. I’ll reminisce on those outings or vacations where I took them, and maybe I’ll even remember exactly when I took a given picture.  Tonight I was looking through some pictures I took when I was in Japan, April 2019. The first half of 2019 I was waiting for a lot of things, and compared to 2018 I stopped living life as fully. I was planning a move from sf to nyc which I tell people is because I got tired of sf and I wanted to be around more film culture, and that is true, but the catalyst was probably getting my heart kinda broken in taiwan and just wanting to start over somewhere. For a lot of reasons, a combination of taiwan, moving, job stuff slowing down, my friends in SF becoming more settled in their lives, I felt like my life was at a standstill in the first half of 2019, so I didn’t have the same lust for life as I did in 2018. I just did things to go through the motions. 

I wasn’t super excited for Japan, I decided to go because it was the last major East Asian country that was on my mental list, and some close friends had gone the year before. Plus, I was going to Shanghai to visit relatives anyway, and I was going to leave the West Coast soon, so any future flights to East Asian countries would take much longer. I think what I’m getting at is that my reasons were more logical than emotional, which feels strange. I remember almost going to Berlin instead, which I had also almost done in 2016 as well, but that year I also went to Shanghai to visit relatives instead. Even though I got sick towards the end of my Japan trip, it still felt very relaxing. Again I think this is partly due to my purgatorial mood in early 2019. Everything felt very idle and I was in no hurry to do anything, I was just waiting for July to come, which is when I would move, and the six months until then were more or less throwaway. I didn’t make an effort to date, I was very blasé with any new people I met in San Francisco. I think all of my emotional energy went into some work stuff and into thinking about all of my friends that I would miss.  I keep thinking about mid 2017 through the end of 2018 and I keep thinking about that quote apocryphally attributed to Lenin -- “There are decades where nothing happens and weeks where decades happen” -- and along with this I think about the first couple months of 2019 where sfmoma had a Jia retrospective. This period of a year + change were incredibly spiritual for me in a lot of different ways, and maybe that’s just rare, like really rare. It kind of all happened by accident too, I don’t think I consciously did anything to kickstart it all. I’m not really interested in tracing the cause-effect chain anyway...but I will say that momentum in life is a real thing. My 2018 was only so busy because once it got rolling I felt the need to keep it rolling.  Here are some moments and periods of my life that I am comfortable sharing that have made me happy when I think about them... Protesting at SFO in early 2017 Coming home after long nights of drinking with smb Visiting my nyc friends, which I am now also a part of Christmas at home Shooting Two Apart Taiwan 2017 and 2018 The first day I arrived in Milan and saw my family and we went to the grocery store bought all this food and ate it Evenings @ Eureka, and I’d go home at approx 11 PM, then go to the bodega and get half a ham sandwich and a mac salad, then adorn the mac salad with freshly cracked black pepper and rock salt and eat it while watching TV  The Jia retrospective, where I saw Platform on 35mm, spoke to Jia w/o addressing him in the honorific, got him to sign my book of his essays, saw a bunch more movies with two of my closest friends and cried during some of them too, and we would go out for hotpot or drypot after almost each screening The first couple times I went to sf photoworks after shooting film The month or so when k was living with us at nob hill and the three of us were hanging out more in general, and we would get wine, cheese and bread on Friday or Saturday, and I would eat the leftover cheese and bread and drink the leftover wine, which was cooled @ the perfect temperature of San Francisco Room Temperature.  When I got my new camera and did some street photography at night with it and then met up with k and v at some cocktail place and we ended the night at dimple The first time we went to DNM Waking up every morning next to a huge bay window, facing south, rolling up the window and feeling the sun shine in. The 6 - 7 months when k started living with w and I would sit in the huge living in 1235 pine with just my clamp light on and I would be watching something by tsai or continuing west of the tracks, and I got really into slow cinema which colored how I perceived life in general

k’s pageant, specifically before and after it; before -- where I was watching a confucian confusion on my phone the entire time, and after -- where me and k and v went out for donuts at bob’s donuts after she had won miss social media, and she looked so happy and he looked so happy for her and I was very happy for her too   boardgames in sunnyvale, especially that one time when I started making kimchi early in the morning and finished late at night after I got home, and in general I completely forgot all sense of time and reality whenever I was at boardgames Going to All Star Cafe early in the morning, where around 8 AM the sun would shine directly into the cafe and flood it with light, like almost half of the entire restaurant. 

It takes time for a new home to feel like home because those feelings only come after distance and reflection. When I was living at AVA I felt really nostalgic for pine street, but I had the sense that I would feel nostalgic for AVA when I eventually moved out, and now I do. And when I move out of 12F I’ll probably be nostalgic for it too. And all of the routines that I’m currently constructing will fall into the above list too...  

[emiliaboone]

Sci-Fi Romance Thoughts: Arrival

Here we go again! Here’ are my VERY SPOILER FILLED thoughts on the movie Arrival! Like with my mystery movies, I watched 2 “great” movies, two mediocre/bad movies, and one parody. This is my first great movie, I movie I forgot how much I loved until I watched it again. Seriously, compared to the rest of the movies I’m going to talk about, these are super biased. I love this movie.

Who is in love? Louise and Ian

How much time was spent on the romance? I would say 20 minutes total not including the implications of the flashbacks.

Did they end up together? Yes and no. They get married but they also get divorce, but the movie ends with them getting together in the first place.

Did the plot depend on it? Sort of. Mainly through Hannah.

How much lead up? A pretty good amount. It’s a pretty subtle plot point, really, he looks at her really cute, touches her when he can, and talks about how great he is and how he appreciates her. He’s constantly impressed by her. It seems really natural, since them even getting together is just a long hug, really. The only reason you know it went further than that is the flash forwards, so it’s really a subtle romance but you know it’s going to get bigger.

Were you feeling it? HELL FUCKING YEAH-That end scene gives me warm fuzzies even though I know it doesn’t work out and when I first watched this movie I had ALL the hope that one day, outside of the film’s timeline, they’d get back together. I don’t know why, since you don’t actually see much of it, just the results, but I was really rooting for them.

How was it integrated? So this was actually really nicely integrated. Because for most of the movie, it’s a crush that Ian has on Louise, and it looks like she might be reciprocating but that she’s getting over her dead daughter. But when you find out that’s not it at all, and that she’s being tormented by visions she can’t understand, it becomes more of a focus only in the last 2 or so minutes when you see a montage of their marriage. The real integration here was the flash forwards, which he wasn’t even a part of, his main role the implication that he’s the girl’s father. So the romance wasn’t a part of the main plot, but it affects it severely. 

How distracting was it? Not at all. I super love this one. It’s subtle enough but still cute.

Kiss? Not in movie...

Sex? No, but the implication is there cos there’s a kid and he asks her to “make a baby” in the montage...god this movie is weird.

Annoyance level: Big Fat Zero

Overall Movie Rating: Legit give this movie a 9.5 out of ten. the only thing is that paradox blurb near the end. But I super love it.

Thoughts! -  I love this movie. I want to get the bias out of the way before I even get started. SPOILERS OH MY GOD SPOILERS but woah. knowing how this movie ended has literally changed the first minute for me. The way she looks at her daughter is actually super sad in hindsight. She’s looking at her like that because she knows exactly what’s going to happen! Okay so I don’t want to take up all of this section with comments about the ending and how great it is but this is romance related I promise. I love that jeremy renner’s not here right now. I super love that they focus on her and not them. I know that showing him would reveal the twist but he’s not even a shadow in the background here. This focus is on her, her character, her story, and the only real mention of him is the closeup shot on her wedding ring for a minute. But then he’s just gone and isn’t in the picture, so you know there was someone, but that doesn’t matter right now cos the story is hers. And I love that. It shows that this is not a romance, regardless of the fact that there is romance in here, but that the story is her journey and where it takes her. It’s my favourite. Oh my god that took up like all my notes. OH MY GOD LOL FOX NEWS DIG! Ok so I know that more cows thing has a context but I can’t remember what it is and not i’m just confused. Ok so they meet when they’re on a helicopter and he reads her book back to her with a stupid smile on his face. It’s very obvious from second one, at least to me, that they’re going to be a thing, but maybe it’s just me seeing this movie before? And then he immediately contradicts her book, like he’s kind of riling her up to introduce himself? Idk it’s a classic greeting. Half arguing, it’s not really banter, and it’s not exactly hostile but it’s…heated. Looking at each other all scared and impressed across the room before he’s sick. He’s the first person she looks to for validation when she “gets” it. Ooh. Yikes. I have a problem with hearing “a more advanced race”…that’s inherently anthropologically incorrect and coming from forrest whitaker it just seems even more problematic? I don’t know it might just be me. Is it me? Maybe it’s just me? (crazy ex reference) I also love how this movie isn’t america centric. Like yeah it’s focused in america but you hear other countries making their own strides, it’s not just one thing. I know my bias is showing but this movie is so great. It’s his name that they introduce, rather than anyone else’s. OH YES THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SCENE GUYS. He looks at her all cute. He always has but that’s kind of the main thing. Okay this exchange is very platonic, this exchange about their names, and their reactions to them. Before I felt this as something obviously romantic, but that one moment felt platonic. Shit, the rewatch bonus on this movie is good. So i’m trying to interpret here what his narration means. He’s speaking for her, here, but it’s still about her. He’s talking about her accomplishments, playing up her strengths. He’s impressed by her. But I’m not quite sure this is all of it. I feel like there was some deliberate choice in Ian narrating this bit rather than Louise, who’s done literally all the narration before this. Is it because she’s working and therefore can’t provide the narration? is it him being impressed with her? There’s a reason, I know it. I just…don’t know what it is yet. So he’s even narrating the linguistics now. What does this mean? I know it means something and I think it has to do with the eventual romance but I just can’t put my finger on why. Ok here we go. First real conversation. “I was thinking about you”—he’s really impressed by her work and who he is. “that’s probably why I’m single” classic line, bro. “you and I are a good thing, right?” ooh, nice save. jeremy renner’s left handed? huh. Here we go, first mention of “dad”. OH SHIT, TALK TO ANIMALS I GET THAT NOW! So they mention they’re divorced, so thats the first clue of what happened to him. He’s worried about her, cute. I love this. What looked like depression is now confusion and it’s fucking brilliant and this movie is so good. He’s the one who checks in on her. FORESHADOWING FOR THE FUCKING WIN. If they know the radiation levels are fine, why is everyone else still wearing hazmat suits? hes the only one that backs her up, oh wait those other scientists! they’re going to fucking bomb them and they’re cool with letting them die??? wtf? I forgot about that. Ok this is great. You only see the “flashbacks” when she’s working on the language!! He’s the first thing she asks about, though that makes sense here, but then she wants to know where he is and he wouldn’t leave without knowing if she’s ok. We have the first hint of who the father is! I wonder what I thought of this the first time? was it that she had a thing for scientists? or that she was pulling back from ian because of a previous failed marriage to a scientist? or that there was no connection? idk. I don’t remember. Oh and then she always wakes up like it’s a dream. This is so not romancy i’m going on about the foreshadowing but I love this movie, so…Oh shit the first clue that this is not a memory I love it! I should shut up about it but ooooh god. He’s the one that notices she’s gone, oh shit I just realised you saw her see the future! like that just happened! I didn’t even notice that! Oh he’s so happy that she figured it out. OH SHIT WHAM LINE that threw me so far off guard the first time I audibly gasped. He immediately comes to her with a coat and catches her when she falls, panicking and holds her until she’s ok, but he responds to her talking about why her husband left her with “you were married” and it’s both nonchalant and out of place and I don’t know what to make of it, really. He keeps his arm around her, his hand on her back. Now truthfully I actually hated this part the first time around. it felt like a copout. The whole stable time loop. I think i’d like it a lot more if present her didn’t count on future her to solve present problem, since her future self only knows it because her past self used the future self to figure it out and ugh. that’s a major paradox, and I don’t do well with paradoxes. Taking excuses to touch her however he can,..that sounds weird but yeah. Ok this part made me mad too, and it still kind of does, paradox aside. because past self needs shang to show future self his number so past self will know it, but wouldn’t past self remember the phone number since she would also remember past self calling it? she seems confused that she even called him but that’s just flat out in the past, why wouldn’t she remember that? “I called you didn’t I?” yes, he just said that you did…That’s why this part of the movie kind of made me mad. it’s the ONLY thing about it with jumps in logic and yes, it’s nitpicky but that’s just a testament to how good the rest of the movie is. This conversation in the future would have been perfect, actually, if future amy adams didn’t look so confused about it. that’s definitely something she would remember, if she literally caused world peace. Cos it makes sense for the conversation to happen if the stable time loop was where they were going with it,he’d have to say it otherwise there’d be no way to remember it. but even if she didn’t remember exactly what the dying words were, I feel like she at least had to have remembered the phone call. Is it just me??? His “buy me 20seconds” is literally throwing himself in front of a bullet for her, so…touching her shoulder, putting his arm around her, she knows that they’re going to get married but she’s choosing to go through with it. She has that “it was you all along” moment “you know what surprised me most? it wasn’t meeting them, it was meeting you”, nice sweet hug with  flash forwards to their marriage, even though she knows he’s going to leave her. I also love that her whole life is HER choice. That’s really cool. FUCK that movie’s good. Really, if it weren’t for that one maybe 10 minute segment near the end with the paradox this movie would be pretty much perfect, honestly. Holy shit I took so many notes and they’re all about how great this movie is…

Those were my...holy shit LOTS of thoughts on arrival! You can find the video I took these notes for here! ...I kind of like this movie. A little.