#like my brain literally just won't let me access it

[karofsky]

the worst thing about being pretty well adjusted and knowing my working methods and using tools to help my brain through things and deal with mental illness is that it works for the big and the medium day-to-day stuff. but every so often some like, super obscure mental block or aversion comes along and I'm like "this is specific enough that I don't even know how to explain it nor do I know what exactly could help this" 💀

[wolfisland]

hi. please help me get out of an abusive living situation. like please. lol. please.

tl;dr: i'm dylan. i'm a disabled indigenous australian bisexual trans person and i have to get myself and my pets out of a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive house. i have reached an agreed upon date of the 8th of november at the latest, but there's no guarantee this won't be changed as circumstances here are extremely unstable. more under the cut if you care for specifics.

rbs help more than you can imagine. thanks.

❤️‍🩹

i've had my belongings trashed, my animals threatened (as well as my dog neglected severely), things pelted at me, punches thrown, threats made, i have been prevented from accessing medication and medical care, my car withheld, i have been forced into circumstances of dependency on this woman that have been used against me as justification for further abuse, and while i was hoping to make it to early next year here til i saved enough to find a better place, it literally just isn't safe for me to do so.

previously this woman has choked me out and hit me in the face before in front of family, thrown glasses and mugs at me, smashed my things, taken my money. this is why i desperately tried to leave earlier before i was kicked out previously, and i'd been forced to move back as a last resort as i would've been otherwise homeless.

i was in the icu for a suicide attempt after the loss of my job and an incident with another predatory and abusive family member, an attempt that has caused lasting cognitive issues, caused a burn out that left me mostly bed and house bound for that 6-8 month period, intense and debilitating flare ups, and has contributed to significant mental health episodes that cause me to lose time.

i had been convinced over a period of 6-8 months that i would be safe to return and that things would be different. please do not think less of me for being stupid enough to believe her. i had no one else to turn to and nowhere else to go, she begged me to come home. after so much time apart i made the mistake of believing her. i won't again.

the stress that i'm under here has caused my mental and physical health to tank, and left me struggling to take basic care of myself let alone manage tasks around the house, which has only further provoked abuse. it's essentially been a cycle of abusing me to a point of being unable to function and then abusing me as a punishment for being unable to function. i can barely keep track of where and when i am let alone keep track of the majority of a house.

i came here as a last resort and it has caused me far more damage than any good. i'm in an isolated rural area and have little to no support system aside from my caseworkers who are trying to help me leave again.

i would appreciate help to rent a storage shed for my belongings as anything i leave will be tossed, as well as a spot for my car as i'm unable to drive it yet without a fully licensed driver supervising. i also have medication to pay for, one of which is $120 per prescription and part of my pain treatment plan. this is something she has used against me, many times before. everything else will be saved and put towards rent if i can find a place in time (and motel fees if i can't) food, transport, and toiletries etc.

i have had more breakdowns and episodes here than i can count. i can't keep living like this. it has set me back in so many ways. i have tried to proofread this multiple times but my brain's not fully functioning right now.

thank you for your time.

[alienpossession]

This is the original post by @mindmelter

I think the tatted hunk knew how much I went nuts for him because he literally brought a friend along just a couple hours after the alien slithered into him with my help. This friend is similarly built with the tatted hunk (dare I say bigger) and he seemed to be more of a rugged, non-Caucasian version

This friend's takeover only happened hours after they walked out from the elevator and do God knows what in the tatted hunk's room. This time, the friend entered the elevator all alone as the time shown that it's almost sunrise. Judging from his look, he seemed to be heading to the gym and clearly they fucked the night before. I press the button to release yet another alien, and he seems to be too deep in his own thinking until it's too late as the alien already shot itself to his ear when he realized from his peripheral vision that something is lurking near him. He thrashed around wildly, a common occurence I already used to see for the past few months which indicate that the alien is on the process of covering the entirety of the human brain with its slimy self, and I obviously fished out my cock from my uniform while enjoying the sight.

After all the usual moves of physique check coupled with a quick self-worship, the alien then surprised me with his request

"Open up the access to your office, human. I want to meet you directly,"

"Okay, why?"

"We didn't employ you to ask question, human. Just do it,"

I have zero idea what is up with this particular one, but if it's like the encounter that happened during the early weeks I started this whole arrangement with them, well I expect him to fuck the shit out of my mouth, which I don't really mind if I have to be honest, but judging from the time, this is quite a risky move as the next shift is about to start in 40 minutes.

But I eventually let him walk into the control room since I'm not going to mess around with a slimy extraterrestrial being that can make my brain obsolete and practically turned me into a meat puppet. Once inside, he told me to open up the folder filled with all the video I have of all the takeover. I gulped before asking him

"Why?"

"How many times do I need to remind you that we don't employ you to ask questions, human. Just open the folder," As I double-click the folder and revealed the 68 videos of the takeover, he grinned at me

"Let's make video 69, shall we?" He double-clicked the video titled "The Three Musk-eeters" which I vividly remembered to showcase three gym junkie that just finished their late preparation for some sort of worldwide bodybuilding competition taken over by one slime that managed to split itself into 3 and made the three into a closely-coordinated unit that operates in group.

The video played while the tatted hunk draped his muscular arm over my shoulder and rested his chin on top of my head while his hand fondled my cock. "Sir, why are we doing this now? This is almost the end of my shift, what if the next shift walks in to us doing all this?"

"Well, you can always use a helping hand, don't you think? Oh fuck, look at them going at the blond's dick, how long you held that elevator LOL?"

"T---ten minaaaggghh---minutes,"

"Seems like you won't last that long if I keep this up, next video!" He stopped jacking off my cock, but not before he tugged at it very quickly I started to leak pre. Then, with that slick sweaty and slightly coated hands of his, he handily used the mouse to click on another video randomly. It opens the one titled "Gun-totting Russian" as he then moved away from his previous position and instead kneeling to then expertly swallowed the entirety of my 5.5 incher hardening cock.

All the crazy head action happened while my eyes fixated on the screen that shows how the big Russian dude, Maksim, managed to grab the slime and tossed it right before it shot itself to his ear canal. Then, he swiftly shot at the slime and split it into two, thinking that he just killed some sort of weird abomination or something. He then squatted, his big mistake, to check on what kind of shit that just attacked him but before he could thoroughly check it, the two slimes leapt from the floor right to his mouth and ear. He screamed to no avail as he flailed on the floor, all 240 pounds of his muscle jerked uncontrollably as the alien started its violent takeover of his massive body. The video successfully pushed my cock to reach its full mast at almost 6 inches and I can feel that I'm so close to shoot my load before the tatted dude stop the head action

"Ohhh.......judging from the file name and the sound made, it must be Maksim Alimov," he said to me while still placing himself in between my legs with his mouth hovering right in front of my cock and his nose exhaling warm air right to my tip, "Big catch, don't you think? Probably the most notorious one among the other 68. Must be crazy hot to think that such a ruthless mob boss on the run like Alimov there is merely a dumb muscle puppet *slow lick around my tip* controlled by my kind, all thanks to a lowly security *gentle flick of his tongue right on my piss slit* like you," he finished his sentence right when I eventually shoot the warm geyser all over his face.

He chuckled at the sudden eruption and in a shocking display of his puppet's physical advantage, his long tongue cleanly lapped the surrounding of his lips, chin and even the tip of his pointy nose. He then grabbed my day-old underwear and use it as if it's some kind of cloth to clean the rest of his face before tossing it back to me

"Well, that's video 69 for ya. No takeover but I bet it will be your favorite from now on because why on Earth a straight, macho tatted hunk like me willingly kneel and then eat your cum unless I'm just a brainless human with no free will whatsoever, right?"

I nodded in embarassment as his statement managed to make my softening cock hardened once more

"Fuck, you're one horny guy. Hmm too bad it's 5:47 now, clean yourself up quickly before your shift replacement comes. I'll see you later and keep up the good work, security man," he said as he quickly dashed out to the parking lot, probably roleplaying as the tatted hunk driving his sports car to do his morning gym routine.

As I finished dressing up, saving the recording of this very room from the time he came until he left just now and replaced it with fake recording of me just sat in silence, the time on the screen shows 5:52, and a fit-looking daddy just entered the elevator to come down for his breakfast.

Noting the usual time needed for takeover and how my friend Juan usually came a bit late around 6:03 to 6:05, I pressed the button to recruit this daddy to the collective. I'm this close to press the button once the daddy walked out from the elevator to have his breakfast in the hotel restaurant and a shirtless buzz blond stud walked into the elevator. But, it's 5:58 and I'm not about to risk Juan to witness what I'm up to, so I just sighed and prepare myself to leave for the day. Next time you'll not be so lucky, stud.

[foone]

weird thought: I think if I was a teenager now (or anytime in the last decade or so) I think I would have written (and read!) a lot more fanfic than I did in reality, where I was a teenager in the 90s.

See, I've never been hugely into fanfic. Never had anything against it exactly, but it just wasn't something I was into. But I think that has to do with an interesting combination of how my brain works and what time I was first really getting into being a fan.

I've got a "librarian" brain (I'm literally typing this from within a library, WHERE I WORK). It wants to know things like "what are all the works in this series/by this creator?" and "are they all accessible?" and "what info is available about how it was made?"

I'm the kind of person who will watch a show then go look it up on wikipedia to see how many seasons it has, who made it, if they're still making it, check tvtropes for any more info, etc. Or I hear a song I like by a band I've never heard of, so I go listen to their entire discography while researching them. I just focus on things I'm into that way, you know? I don't half-ass my interest. (this is probably related to my autism, of course)

So what does this have to do with fanfic? like, do I go read some fanfics as part of this process? No, and I think the reason for it is when I specifically first got into fandom, as a teen.

See, this sort of fandom-librarian was harder to do in 1997, you know? You couldn't just pull up the wikipedia for that new show and see how many episodes it had. You also couldn't just listen to the whole discography of that band! Forget Spotify or Google Music, even Napster didn't exist yet.

So my interest in fandom focused a lot more on very basic questions: How many episodes/albums/books/whatever are there? Where can I see/hear them all? Like, I remember getting excited because I found some fan magazine that had a list of all the Star Trek: The Next Generation episodes. Just a list! Not even descriptions or anything. I finally could take that list and see how many I'd seen, so I'd know when I saw them all in late-night reruns.

So I'm focusing on these very basic parts of being a fandom-librarian and I stumble across some fanfic. I'm like "oh, is this a transcript of an episode I haven't seen yet?" and I realize it's not, it's a story written by a fan, and I get a knee-jerk reaction of "that's not helpful to my quest to know and find all the episodes". It's like I am on a quest for the holy grail and I found a fake cup. It's not helpful to me, and at worst it's a distraction from my goal.

And the thing is, I think the fact I had that reaction is entirely due to the time and situation in which I first encountered fanfic. It was in that environment of "I can't even find a list of the episodes, let alone a way to watch them all!" and that anxiety that colored my response to finding fanfic.

I think if I instead was first introduced to fanfic NOW, where those fandom-librarian drives aren't so difficult to fulfill, I'd be way more positive about fanfic. If I could get a list of episodes with a quick google search, and watch them easily on netflix/prime/whatever, I'd be less "THIS DOESN'T HELP! I AM STRUGGLING WITH THE BASICS HERE!" and more "yay, more content for the fandom I'm obsessed with!"

Like I said, I'm not anti-fanfic, I never have been, I just never got into it. From the beginning I had this reaction that was "this is not useful" and I never developed any real interest in it. Which is a shame, honestly. Fanfic is great. It just never became one of my interests, and while I've written it and read it from time to time, I imagine I'd be way more into it if I didn't have the weird reaction to it due to the worries of the time in which I first encountered it.

I don't know how many other people have brains that work anything like mine, but if they exist, I'm glad they're now growing up in a world where they won't have these problems. They can get into fanfic without this weird baggage caused by a lack of information.

[that-tmr-girl]

Shut Up and Take It {Part 2}

The more Newt dominates you in bed, the more you like it.

Dominant Newt, vaginal sex, blow job, fingering, overstimulation, degrading

I woke up feeling half dead that morning. I could still barely even move and had to wear a literal turtleneck because of all the marks he left on me. I had to lean against the wall just to take a shower.

Dominant Newt was nice, but damn, it screwed me up. My legs are still shaky and sore. Even when I was sitting, my body threatened to collapse.

Sitting was better than standing though so I'm thankful for that. I just had to sit there for a while and pretend that this isn't the same plan we’ve had since the beginning. As long as they think I’m listening.

So I sat for most of the day. Then, I went and laid down, where my lover had joined me after.

As if nothing was wrong, he had curled up to my side. With his arms around me, he cuddled me as tightly as he could, kissing my lips every now and then.

Until his lips had moved to my neck.

Closing my eyes, I threw my head back to give him full access. As he bit down and started touching my thighs though, it became clear he wanted more.

“Newt, someone could walk in,”I pointed out, slightly pulling away to look at him.

“No they won't,”He said simply, not a hint of worry on his face as he kept his hands on my thighs. “If you don't want me, just back out now,”He commanded.

“I always want you,”I breathed out.

“Yeah. You’ve made that pretty clear,”He grinned, a devilish glint in his eyes. Biting his lip, he looked me up and down before letting his hands travel up my shirt. Shivering at his cold fingers, I shut my eyes for a moment.

Sneaking his hands higher up, he threw my shirt on the ground just as I opened my eyes. Without stopping, he quickly unhooked my bra, throwing it to the ground as well. Grabbing my hips, he picked me up and put me on my back, making me shriek for a moment. Ignoring my sounds for now, he unbuttoned my jeans before looking at me for permission. The second I nodded he tore them off, my panties following.

“You have to be quiet this time. Understood?”He checked.

“Yes, Newt.”

“Good,”He grinned, placing his hands under my chin. Lifting my head, he admired his marks from a few hours ago, tracing his thumb over them. Shuddering a little at his touch, I grasped the sheets in anticipation, unconsciously rubbing my thighs together as wetness dripped down them. “Someone's already so excited to be used, aren't they?”He smirked.

“Yes.”

“You just have no damn shame when it comes to me, do you?”He practically taunted.

“Never.”

“And you never will,”He chuckled, pulling his hands off of me. Looking at the ceiling, I took a shaky breath of want as I listened to him unzip his jeans, letting them fall to the ground. Risking a glance, I saw him strip his shirt off, leaving him naked. My face flushed at the sight of him, already hard and yearning for me, his eyes filled with lust.

Walking back over, he crawled on top of me, aligning himself with my entrance as I spread my legs wider for him. Looking at me, he silently asked for permission to fuck my brains out, something I eagerly gave to him.

Keeping me silent, he crashed his mouth against mine as he slammed into me. Letting out a noise, I moaned and shrieked against his lips as he pulled out only to shove back in. Grabbing my wrists that were at my sides, he pinned my arms beside my head as he pulled his face away to look at me. Pushing my hips up, I bit my lip as I took him deeper inside of me. Grunting, he carelessly railed me as I tried to keep up with the rough pace. My legs shook as he filled me up, the bed creaking under us. My eyes rolled to the back of my head as I already clenched around him. His grip tightened on my wrists as he pulled out and pushed in again. Holding in screams, I threw my head back as I came on his dick. Grunting louder, he pushed into me again, filling me up.

“You still take it so good for someone who could barely walk this morning,”He whispered in my ear.

“I could take you for hours.”

“If you insist,”He said in a dark voice. Pulling out, he stood up before gesturing for me to get in front of him. Trying to ignore the shakiness in my legs, I did as he instructed.

Grabbing me, he turned me around and bent me over the bed. A small shriek of surprise left me as he aligned his dick with my soaked cunt. Biting down on my lip, I balled my hands into fists as he kept pulling out and pushing in. Grabbing my hands, he pinned them down as he fucked me to the point of practically losing my senses. At each thrust, he seemed to be deeper and deeper inside of me. I was basically cross eyed as I released. Pretending not to know, he just kept going, twitching inside of me. Letting out a whimper, I buried my face in the mattress as he exploded inside of me, more of his liquids now dripping down my thighs.

“You said you could take it, but you're always going to make some noise. Aren't you, you slut? You just can't help it,”He whispered in my ear as he pulled out. Turning me around, he shoved me on my knees. Ready for him, I grabbed his dick and started licking his tip. Groaning at the teasing, he wrapped his hands behind my neck and shoved himself all the way down my throat. Gagging on him, I swirled my tongue around, collecting his juices in my mouth. Moaning around him, I looked at him as I took him down my throat. With a dark expression, he thrust his hips, making me choke before humming around him.

“All these times and you still gag,”He said through raspy breaths, throwing his head back as he twitched in my mouth. Humming louder, I sucked on him until he shot his warm seed down my throat. The second he was done he pulled out. “And even with my cock in your mouth, you still make noise,”He tsked, a devilish look on his face as he picked me up and threw me back on the bed. “You like that though, don't you? You like it when my dick’s in your mouth? It makes my whore happy, doesn't it?”

“Yes,”I breathed out as he kissed and sucked on my neck. Closing my eyes, I savored the feeling of his lips until he started squeezing my nipple, making my gaps as my eyes shot open. Taking it even further, he started running his finger between my folds, making me squirm under him.

Sinking his teeth into my neck, he started leaving even more marks as he plunged two of his fingers inside my sensitive pussy, making me throw my head back. Pumping and curling them, he used his thumb to rub circles on my clit as he moved his mouth to my chest, his other hand holding my waist. Biting my lip, I could barely see as dots of pleasure clouded my vision. While increasing his pace he grazed his teeth over my nipple. Throwing my head back, I bit back down on my lip as I tightened around his hand. Moving his mouth to my other nipple, he sucked on my breasts before removing his fingers.

I absolutely whimpered in disappointment until he pushed his hard dick into me, making me moan as I released all over him. Thrusting in and out twice, he held my waist as he climaxed, leaving me a wet and sweaty mess.

Breathing heavily, he groaned before slowly pulling out. As I tried to sit up he quickly pushed me back down.

“Lay here so I can put your clothes on. Then, you're just gonna sleep until dinner, where I’ll see you then. Understood?”

“Understood,”I nodded.

“Good,”He smiled, his eyes soft as he cupped my face and kissed my temple, back to his soft self.

I know the circumstances suck, but I could definitely get used to this. Rough sex and then my soft Newt back? That sounds like the dream.

As long as you forget the nightmare part of it.

[qqueenofhades]

as a starting history major i wanna ask how do you read/evaluate academic history papers/books? i'm trying to avoid just blindly agreeing with whatever the author is writing because it seems correct. how can you tell what is good scholarship and what is more shaky?

This is a great question for you as a freshman history major to ask (many of my toiling colleagues and I can attest that we wish more of you would!) and shows that you're already taking initiative and investment in your studies and want to be the best prepared you can. So truly -- thank you! Us on the faculty/staff/administrative end of academia can feel as if we are pouring into an empty bucket at times, and it's always gratifying to hear otherwise. We really appreciate it.

As a college freshman and/or underclassman (or so I'm assuming) your first job is learning how to collect basic information from the things you read, collate and cite them accurately, and make them converse intelligently with each other in an entry-level piece of academic writing (such as an essay responding to an assigned prompt). So before you have to worry about understanding complex nuance and granular-level fact-checking, the first step is just getting comfortable with academic forms, styles, and conventions. There's an occasional anti-intellectual strand of thinking that pops up on Tumblr, basically insisting that everyone everywhere should be able to understand everything in fifth-grade words and if not then it's Elitist Gatekeeping, but this is a symptom of TikTok brainrot where people's brains have been literally rewired to only process spoon-fed chunks of incredibly simplistic (and uh, often wrong) information, and literally can't parse anything longer, even if it's written in accessible language. Yes, many academics are not necessarily great writers, but you also have to let go of the mindset that you can speed-read once and understand everything. You will need to slow down, take your time, and make a note of concepts that are confusing or that you want to double-check, words you need to look up, and things that make you say "hmm I should look into that more," whether because you're interested or they seem questionable. I always read academic texts or papers (I prefer hard copy, because I am Fucking Old) with a pen in hand, because if I don't, I often feel like I didn't read it at all.

Basically, this is an interactive process between you and the text, and requires you to develop a different kind of reading mentality than just buzzing through a novel or fanfic for pleasure. You have to expect that it will take time and that if you regularly skive off the readings, you won't be prepared for class, your professors will be annoyed, and you won't be able to write good essays, because you haven't engaged with the material. In your case, it sounds like that will be less of a problem, because you are eager to know how to do it right, but I can tell you from my experience that nothing frustrates us more than students who just won't do the reading (and you know, use ChatGPT to write their essays) because then what are you even DOING here? What do you want to get out of this? Why are you wasting your precious tuition money like this? Yes, you probably have to fill a requirement, but STILL. It's disrespectful to your teacher, who has invested a lot of effort in being here to help you with this and doesn't want you to just quit because it looks hard, and your peers, and to you. So anyway, /Captain Holt voice/ apparently that's a trigger for me. Basically, if you learn nothing else from this ask: please do the reading. Even if it's only to admit you need more help or want to talk about this concept in class or otherwise take advantage of all the structures that are in fact there to help you understand it! Thankee.

Likewise, because you're an underclassman, you have an advantage in that your teacher will select the class readings for you ahead of time. That means you will be receiving things that a professional has already checked, decided are useful and trustworthy, and you don't have to do independent research and vetting yourself (that will come if you decide for some godforsaken reason to pursue graduate and/or doctoral study). So you don't need to spend tons of extra time and effort deciding if the sources given to you in class are reliable on a basic and functional level; your professor has already done the work for you to make sure that they are. Your job is now to read those sources, keep a record of what they say (hence the aforementioned pen or other way to make quick notes) and figure out how to put them together in an essay. For example, if Author A cites Factor A as, say, the main cause of the fall of the Western Roman Empire, and Author B insists that Factor B was in fact more critical, what is your best approach to reconciling that information? You would search in the rest of those texts to see what else they say in support of their position, and you would probably end up with a qualified statement to the effect of, "While Author A argues A, Author B thinks B, representing the lack of consensus and the difficulty in attributing one single cause to an event as complicated as the fall of Rome." (And then because you're smart, you would go on to mention Byzantium and the Eastern Roman Empire and show that you are aware of the further context.) All of which is true! Historians do that all the time! You don't need to select THE RIGHT ANSWER and vigorously discredit all other theories, ever, and we tend to look suspiciously on people who do (cough cough Philippa Langley).

In other words, we are certainly not expecting you as a freshman, and even as a more advanced student, to be able to pick out ONE ANSWER from the material. We just want to see evidence that you have in fact read it, are able to evaluate and place theories side by side and possibly make a judgment as to which one you find more compelling, and also to properly cite where you got that information. We've seen a lot recently about plagiarism and that being the pretext on which Harvard president Claudine Gay was forced to resign (which is a whole other can of worms, but never mind). A lot of professors think that saying "Don't Do Plagiarism" is enough, but then don't explain what it is and the different forms it can take. It's not just a matter of copying verbatim chunks of someone else's work (or you know, ALL OF IT, like certain recently discredited YouTube scumbags) and acting like it's your own. If you are relying substantially on someone else's work, whether in their wording, arguments, conclusions, structure, or anything else, even if you've changed some of the words (yep, still plagiarism!), that needs to be cited appropriately according to the relevant style guide. Direct quotes from anyone need to go in quotation marks or indented blocks and have the author cited immediately afterward. History usually uses Chicago, MLA, or MHRA, and you can find cheat sheets for how to do that online. It's a pretty simple and straightforward style, and your professor will be extra impressed.

If you're expected to do an independent project or a senior research thesis, as some undergraduate history students do, then it will come when you have already had three years of experience in reading, evaluating, and writing historical scholarship, you will probably have a faculty member assigned to you for one-on-one mentoring and personalized feedback sessions, and they will be able to provide suggestions and support for useful sources. So even then, you still don't have to do it entirely on your own. They'll probably also be MORE than happy to debate with you which ones are good and which ones are suspect, because it's all a part of developing your ability to flex that muscle for yourself. (And as noted, faculty members Will Have Strong Opinions.) That likewise doesn't mean you just have to copy whatever they say (at least if you have a good teacher who wants you to think for yourself and not just be a mini-clone of their pet theories), but it means that by the time you reach that stage, you will have been prepared enough to feel confident in taking more steps on your own. I think not enough people realize that studying history (or anything, really) isn't just throwing you out there and being like "tough luck sucker, do it all yourself."

That's why academia is so collaborative, why plenty of historians with doctorates and tenure will still have to say "I don't know, let me get back to you" when someone asks them a question at a conference, and you don't have to fear that if you don't have The One Right Answer, you will be immediately exposed as a fraud and thrown out. History as a discipline is also moving away from the 19th-century German approach that attempted to systematize it as a singular social science with One Right Answer, and to focus more on multiple perspectives and incomplete answers. That's why the goal is not necessarily to know everything (which alas, is impossible), but to make better sense of what we can know and search for ways in which the existing record is flawed and needs to be revised, expanded, or reworked with new perspectives (which have existed all this time, but haven't been privileged by the white male western academy for the obvious reasons). And that work is fun and important! I don't want you to be scared of getting to that point, because someone will be there to support you the whole way and by the time you do, it will make sense to you in a way it probably doesn't right now, just because it's a new skill and like any new skill, it takes a long time to learn and to be able to apply confidently, consistently, and at a high level. And plenty of us who do it as a career still often have to say "I don't know, let me ask Dr. So-and-so who specializes in this," so yeah. It's a process of becoming comfortable with both learning how to answer what we can, and to ask others for help with that, and it never really ends. Which is the fun part. There's so much more to do.

Good luck!

[transingthoseformers]

Okay, so did I did an picking-apart on Too Sweet if it was mainly Mirage and Noah, and now, I'm gonna do one on Noah's part because I'm bored and why not?:

"Why aim low? You aim true, to the grave is where you can go." So bam, first line. This could be in reference to Noah questioning Mirage's "jokes" when he's in a bad mood and how they land. I can imagine Noah being like "You know, Mirage, what you said wasn't cool." and Mirage being like "Noah, it's a joke. And no harm, no foul." And before Noah could talk more about it, Mirage already changed the subject. "I like to work late, so I'm free from a phone. Then the job gets done, "But you get paid so low" please, I know." Another example of Noah's dysfunctionality, deliberately working alone because of his over-independence, a matter of him from having to fill the role as "man of the house" from a pretty young age. He knows he's earning low, but it's his job, his habit, and he doesn't want to change it.

"But who really wants to live forever, babe? I'm really picky about who I date, my body's sacred, let's keep it that way." This and my personal HC that Noah is very strict with who it takes it access him: body and mind. He has a family to take care of and no time for the bullshit.

"I wish I could go along, as you said, "I should have fun'." I can imagine Mirage actually telling Noah he shouldn't be so tight up, so strict, that he should let loose and have fun. And Noah would, if the person he dated wouldn't affect the people he cares about.

"You know, you're bright as the sun, but you're burning with rage. A mystery like fog and a little too sweet to the taste." JUST NOAH DESCRIBING EVERYTHING HE SEES ABOUT MIRAGE. He knows Mirage shines, with ever pristine paint and eye captivating blue streaks, but Noah can see when someone is pretending and knows that deep down, Mirage is quite literally, burning with rage. A kind of rage that's invisible to anyone you don't know or won't let know you, that consumes your heart or spark from the inside out. And Mirage being like fog makes so much sense, because fog can be misguiding. And Mirage being a little "too sweet" can be intercepted as artificial sweetener. YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS, RIGHT?

"I do like some candy; I wouldn't eat it everyday." Just Noah saying that he likes sweet things/he is dysfunctional will pretend to make SOME people happy, but won't do it everyday.

"Baby, don't wait. I'd rather take my whiskey neat, my coffee black in my bed at three. I know you're not all that sweet, I know you're not all that sweet." NOAH SEEING THROUGH MIRAGE'S BULLSHIT. NOAH SEEING MIRAGE'S TRAUMA. NOAH SEEING THROUGH THE MIRAGE.

"Don't try and push me, baby, I'm not weak. I see you driving around the streets at 3, stop pretending to be sweet for me. Just show me something real, baby." OKAY OKAY OKAY BRAIN BREAK. Noah telling Mirage not to try and push him away because Noah Diaz is the farthest of weak and the most stubborn of them all, especially when it's someone he cares about. Someone he loves. Someone who gave his life for him, someone he spent sleepless nights building part by part and restoring him back to health. And hell, Noah isn't perfect. The only reason he sees Mirage's dysfunctionality is because HE'S dysfunctional, and bitter in so many eyes. He won't pretend, won't bullshit Mirage and will just give it to him straight. And that last part was Noah's weird little talking tick but put a poetic verse on it.

In short, they make me giggle and sob.

Thoughts? Comments?

I love these two together I stg

Because yes

💖💖💖✨💖✨💖✨💖✨💖 yes

Noah seeing through the Mirage

YES

[sapphire-weapon]

Hey you know that time when Ashley rescues Leon from the cage and he softly asks her to drop down so he can catch her? Well there's a ladder up where Ashley was, it would've been more convenient for her to get that so that he can also easily access that floor and yet he still asked for that... Leon absolutely saw that ladder and ofc he just wanted an excuse to hold her, like the way he was smiling looking at her in that moment C'mon.

Huh!! You know, I didn't even think of that.

But it makes sense now that you've said that, because my initial reaction the very first time I watched that scene and heard him say that was a brow-furrowed, taken aback "uhhh..."

Because there's just something about the way that Nick delivers that line that felt very reminiscent to me of like... the kind of way you would try to bribe a child? LMAO like "I'm going to offer you a thing that I already know you like as a reward for doing something for me." That kind of tone.

I still kind of feel that way when I hear it, too. Like it feels very much like "hey~ I'm deliberately offering this because I know you like it~"

And it always seemed so weird to me tonally, because it was like ... Leon, she already did the thing, you no longer have to try to bribe her, you NEVER had to bribe her, what are you even trying to accomplish LMAO

But to think that he was actually projecting in that moment makes it make so much more sense. RE4make does a lot to spotlight the way that Leon self-isolates and how incredibly fucking lonely it makes him as a result.

Like. Examples of Leon self-isolating in RE4make would be:

in the intro where he talks about how military training kept him from worrying about the s-word that he refuses to say or even acknowledge (Sherry)

him basically refusing to talk to Luis when they're chained up together, even though Luis is clearly trying to be friendly at first

Ada having to pull a conversation out of him on the boat because he won't volunteer his thoughts or feelings to her

KEEPING HIS PLAGA A FUCKING SECRET LMAO DEAR LORD, LEON

It's hardly an exhaustive list, but. You get it.

And the only person who he ever lets through that barrier is Ashley, even though it scares him to do it at first. (He won't even say "yes" out loud when Ashley asks him "you too?" re: his plaga, and his tense, terrified nodding is literally everything oh my god)

But it could have only ever been Ashley, because it all goes back to that very first time he caught her out of that church window and just held her. I find it so interesting that we don't see his face during that time where he just stands there, holding her, before he even turns his head to look at her. I've talked about this before, but he was very likely having A Moment there, because this was probably the first time in six years that he's held someone. It's the first truly vulnerable moment he has, and he has it completely involuntarily.

So then we go back to the scene in question, and you have to imagine the sheer terror and anxiety that was probably coursing through him the entire time she was out of his sight -- because all he could do was wait, and there was no way of knowing how long he'd be waiting or how long would be too long. And the whole time his brain was probably just going "she's dead she's dead she's dead she's fucking dead she's fucking DEAD and you killed her, you killed her by getting caught, you fucked this up like you always fuck it up and she's fucking dead" and to be completely fair to Leon's anxiety, in my first playthrough, she absolutely was fucking dead. 100%. over and over again. because my stupid ass was literally too stupid to realize that her lantern can be used defensively.

And then the sheer overwhelming relief when he sees her again, alive and well and about to save his ass.

Of course he would want to hold her. Of course he would. And, in OG, if you remember -- he did. He gave her a full-on, real-ass hug after her section in OG.

And now I'm kind of wondering if his offer to catch her was actually a callback to that hug in OG. He didn't offer to catch her because it was something that he knew she liked -- he did it because it was something that he knew he liked, and it was probably something that he needed in that moment. But it was framed as him offering it for her sake because he self-isolates and the only comfort he's allowed himself to have leading up to this has been holding her after a catch and HOLY FUCK ANON I DID NOT EXPECT TO HAVE SUCH A MAJOR FUCKIN BREAKTHRU WHEN I STARTED ANSWERING THIS ASK LMAO

[beardedmrbean]

Chrissy Reifschneider had just left rehab to treat her heroin addiction in 2017 when she started taking tianeptine, popularly dubbed “gas station heroin." The 41-year-old from Alabama was struggling with low energy, so a family member who worked at a gas station recommended she try the pills. 

Within days, Reifschneider was hooked, and three dark years cruised by. Now four years clean, Reifschneider reflects on the deception that contributed to her tianeptine addiction and the overwhelming shame that followed. It's a trend that addiction medicine experts say shines a sobering light on the ongoing mental health crisis that's driving people to "easy" solutions amid widespread healthcare accessibility issues in the U.S.

“I thought well, I'm not sticking a needle in my arm, so I literally convinced myself that I wasn’t a drug addict until I realized I didn't recognize who I was anymore,” Reifschneider said. “It's crazy to think that these gas station pills just controlled me. I was ashamed because I'd rather people know I was shooting up heroin than actually spending all this time and money on over-the-counter (drugs).”

Tianeptine is prescribed as an antidepressant in some European, Asian and Latin American countries, but it’s not approved for any medical use in the U.S. Still, companies are marketing and selling tianeptine products as dietary supplements typically in pill and powder form, claiming it can improve brain function and treat depression, anxiety, pain and even opioid use disorder. 

Tianeptine has been banned in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, Michigan, Mississippi, Ohio and Tennessee.

Reifschneider used to take five pills every four hours, which she said gave her enough of a “warm, fuzzy buzz” without making her feel clammy or nauseous, similar to the effects of doing too much heroin, she said. The brand she purchased recommends two capsules daily “or as needed,” and advises against exceeding three capsules in a 24-hour period. 

She started to lose her hair and lots of weight; had auditory hallucinations; developed paranoia surrounding electronics, at times using 10 cellphones at once; and began to convince herself that she was “better off dead.” Reifschneider would even chat with gas station employees about how dangerous the pills were: “I was silently crying out for help.” 

After several unsuccessful stays in rehab, Reifschneider quit “cold turkey” and entered a withdrawal state for the next six months, which she said felt similar to but lasted longer than her withdrawal from heroin and fentanyl. Today, she continues to “feel like a 15-year-old in my brain,” alluding to her debilitating memory problems. “It’s one of my more shameful things,” she said.

Poison control cases involving tianeptine have increased nationwide, from 11 total cases between 2000 and 2013 to 151 cases in 2020, the FDA says. Many poison control calls often involve severe withdrawal symptoms, such as agitation, vomiting and diarrhea, because people typically consume higher doses than those prescribed in other countries, according to a 2018 CDC report.

Dr. Holly Geyer, an internal medicine physician specializing in addiction medicine with the Mayo Clinic, said fear of withdrawal and the depression that follows can contribute to addiction to a variety of substances. 

“These often aren't people who are chasing a high. They're just trying to feel normal, and if there's a drug out there that helps them curb that appetite, they're probably going to take it until it as a solution becomes the problem,” Geyer said. “These people are trapped biologically, mentally and spiritually. It's a horrible situation to be in, and I can tell you tianeptine does not let them out of it.” 

Shame and stigma prevail among addiction recovery circles 

Since Reifschneider joined social media to share her tianeptine experience, neighbors and friends have confided in her with their own struggles with the supplement. “It was a very dark secret we all kept in our recovery circle because it was so shameful,” she said. “We all felt better about ourselves because we weren’t doing the worst of the worst.”

Aaron Weiner, an addiction psychologist, says that mentality is “completely reasonable” considering the stigma and “traditionalism” that still weighs on drug use in general. “There’s a very intense mental health burden in this country right now,” he said.

Tianeptine is marketed as a supplement, but it’s really an opioid receptor agonist. That means it binds to the same receptors in the brain that heroin, fentanyl and other opioids do, causing similar euphoric and addictive effects by hijacking the body’s dopamine system. So when people use tianeptine amid their recovery journey to cope with withdrawal or other lingering effects, judgment frequently follows.

“In a lot of recovery circles, the goal is complete abstinence from all intoxicating substances,” Weiner said. “In this scenario, some people may assume they’re substituting one drug for another, and say they’re not really sober.”

Similar judgment occurs among those taking FDA-approved medications for opioid use disorder (MOUD), including methadone, buprenorphine and naltrexone — some of which are opioids themselves. Mounting evidence shows that they reduce opioid cravings and withdrawal symptoms, and block their euphoric effects, Weiner said, but don’t make people “high” or cause withdrawal when dosed properly. 

Although MOUD use has grown by more than 100% over the last decade, nearly 90% of people living with opioid use disorder are not receiving these medications, according to a 2022 study published in the International Journal of Drug Policy. Experts say stigma is partly to blame. 

“One of the greatest problems we have in this country is that of stigma; we label people, then throw them out with their diagnoses,” Geyer said. “So when many of them turn to MOUD, they experience equal amounts of stigma and are led to think that no one could yell at them or be offended if they use supplements like tianeptine that they think are safer.” 

"It kills me to know this is still out there"

Reifschneider said she visited a doctor who specializes in addiction medicine two times for help to detox from tianeptine, but neither attempt was successful.

“The doctor had no idea what these pills were, but he wanted to help me because he could see my desperation,” Reifschneider said. “I was terrified to come off of them alone, so I didn’t know what to do.” 

She ultimately detoxed herself, but this lack of awareness and access to proper treatment, Geyer said, is what deters people away from evidence-based treatment and attracts them to the illicit market.

Data show that nearly 50% of counties in the U.S., don’t have MOUD medication providers and 32% don’t have any specialty substance abuse treatment programs at all. 

“There's not a whole lot of attention paid to tianeptine because it’s one of many drugs that you could find at gas stations these days that are not technically outlawed but certainly not beneficial,” Geyer said. “The big name drugs out there like fentanyl is where the money has historically been in this industry, so that's where most treatment approaches have focused.”

After years of rehab, Reifschneider said she wants to lay low and just live a normal life, but knowing that tianeptine is still being sold on gas station shelves weighs on her.

“I'm honestly grateful that there's been more awareness, but it kills me to know this is still out there,” she said.

[alchemiclee]

people always wonder why I don't read for fun. I have a few reasons:

slow. you know how some articles tell you how long of a read it will be? I just read one that says "less than a 5 minute read" and you know how long it took me? a little over 15.....this was a distraction-free read. i'm just extremely slow.

speaking of distractions. from inside and outside, they are everywhere. i'll either stop reading completely and not realize until who-knows-how-long later, (I have 100 unfinished tabs open on my web browser i started reading at some point...) or i'll be reading words, but my mind is elsewhere. so I need to reread it because I forgot everything immediately or didn't process anything at all.

dyslexia. reading comprehension isn't my strongest skill. often, things don't make sense when I read them, so I must reread. sometimes more than one or twice. sometimes I can reread the same sentence 5 times and its different every time. brain likes to mix things up to keep it fresh, at the cost of it making any sense at all. eventually I can get there, but at what cost.....

sleepy. when I try to read for a long time (which isn't that long tbh,) the processing my brain has to go through—deciphering dyslexic jumbled up nonsense, trying to concentrate and not letting distractions pull me away, in general trying to understanding what i'm reading—I get very sleepy. it's exhausting. the whole process of reading for me is so exhausting. the concentration it takes is too much for my brain so it literally shuts down and gives up. at least that's why I think I fall asleep every time I try read anything that's longer than this post (though sometimes even this much is enough to make me fall asleep). I have no control over when my brain decides it's time to fall asleep.

visualizing. i've always been extremely envious of everyone who likes to read. you can all see what you're reading in your heads as if you're watching a movie. when I learned people can do that, I got so shocked and jealous. it always confused me when people would hate on movies because it "doesn't look how they imagined" while i'd rather see the movie because it shows me how things are supposed to look. I would enjoy reading too if I saw more than words on a paper! I can get the general concept, like I know what a tree and a bird nest are. if a story says "the heavy wind knocked a bird nest out of the tree beside me" I won't see it happen in my head, but I know what it means.

processing. while having to deal with all this above, it can lead to me lacking the necessary skills to even process what i'm reading. if i'm reading a research paper or textbook, most of it can go over my head and i won't understand most of it. the words are too jumbled together, there's too many, and they aren't simple enough to quickly make sense of them individually. the boredom from the subject might also affect processing ability if it's something I don't care about, like school textbooks. if i'm reading a story, I might get the general idea of what's happening, but I will miss all the deeper details and hidden meanings. i'll hear/see people talk about something from a story that I never caught. it's like they're enjoying a secret they found in the pages that I never got access to. everyone else enjoys stories so much more than me, because they're doing it in such a different way. i feel very left out because I know i'll be missing out on a lot of the story.

people used to (and still do) always shame me for choosing to not read or not enjoying it. but if you had all these conditions applied to you, would you still enjoy reading? or would the struggle not be worth it? I do know some people can have one or more of these problems and still enjoy reading. i've met them and they have shamed me because they "have these problems and still read and enjoy it anyway." i've recently been trying out audiobooks. this is ever so slightly easier than reading, but still comes with some of the same issues as well as its own, such as my auditory processing disorder. this is basically the audio version of my dyslexia.

in the end, I still need a visual. I listened to an audio version of tgcf, for example, and then watched the donghua. suddenly, things I heard in the audio version made sense because I saw them for the first time! most of what I was hearing didn't make much sense because I can't simply "see it in my head" like everyone else. so watching the movie/show adaptation is better for me, even if it's not "good" or the best option. my preferred reading material is comics. it has both reading and visuals. if you want me to read something with you, present me with a comic/manga!

[mywheelieweirdlife]

Hello, I am alive.

I haven't used this blog, or tbh most of my blogs, in a while. Particularly since getting my current job because when you're disabled and teaching, you regularly have no spoons.

But I saw this tiktok: https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSj6DAMkH/

And what it brought up for me was hella interesting in terms of disability advocacy and relying on (more) abled bodied friends.

I have one friend I trust with my wheelchair when I'm in it.

It's not the friend I live with. In fact I am incredibly stubborn and will put myself in pain and danger at times with a 'No, I've got it' to avoid him pushing my wheelchair.

And it turns out; Sunshine Coasts Aquarium is not independently wheelchair accessible and those ramps were way to steep to be safely navigated without help. (Despite the website saying it's accessible. It was not. SeaWorld is more independently accessible tbh)

And I only had one friend I was willing to let help out of the three who were there I could technically ask. (I realised afterwards I probably could have asked my cousin more, but I didn't at the time)

That friend had essentially paired off with my cousin and was not with me most of the trip.

I was also in my Karma wheelchair not my normal one bc my normal chair has tire problems.

*photo below bc it won't let me type under it*

It's a heavy wheelchair that is not easy to push from within it and fucked up my hands by the end of the day.

I didn't have walking spoons thanks to pain in the morning, but I was physically fucked by the end of the day in this.

And part of that is; I struggle to ask for help but also, when the only friend I can fully trust to ask for it is the friend who worked in disability services and ran wheelchairs around the airport for years as a job.... because that's the only person who won't cause me more pain or almost knock me out of my chair bc they don't understand cut curbs.... (My day started with almost falling out of my chair bc someone else didn't understand cut curbs). It's not a shock that I don't use my aids when I should (like at work) bc it's just too fucking hard.

I need my wheelchair at work, but I can't get it there. I literally can't get to work in it. Buses magically 'Don't see me', ubers and taxi's cancel, unless my coworker is picking me up (and I don't want to ask that of her if I don't have to), I'm not able to take my wheelchair to work so I take my cane and rollator.

And to an extent; that is a privilege that comes with being ambulatory.

But it also means I burn out so fucking hard because I'm so often in pain and I don't admit as often as I should the amount walking fucking hurts.

I stopped telling people that it still feels like lightening and glass when I walk bc most people don't care if I'm doing it all the time and they see it as dramatic… meanwhile I'm here like 'I feel it through my entire spine sometimes but I just ignore it now until it's time to take meds for the other kinds of pains and pray I get some extra relief.'

When you're disabled, sometimes 'I live with higher chronic pain' becomes part of the job description just so you have a job.

Meanwhile I'm working on teaching teens to 'Not do that bc it'll fuck up your body and brain and we will advocate for you to not have to do that if you need'. (I work with neurodivergent youth in employment services in my day job now, hence my lack of online presence for the last while)

Knowing fully well I'm a hypocrite who's burning out bc of chronic pain 99% of the time.

I don't have a lot of disability supports anymore.

I traded pain reduction for being further from toxic family and a hope of having a job history that isn't entirely self employment in sex work or sex worker adjacent categories that I don't put on my resume anyway.

But if I created anything educating truely on the hidden sides of my disability?

I would probably die inside a little acknowledging how much work it is to maintain living like this… while also having to actually confront how much help I don't have despite having lost friendships over how much work it feels like.

And a lot of it for people is the mental toll.

Because internalised ableism is a bitch to everyone. And I don't like how the way I'm looked at changes when I'm honest about how bad things are; because depending how the way I'm looked at changes tells me wether or not I'm about to lose someone.

I'm fully aware that despite knowing I don't need to at all, I still avoid telling my partner things about my disability and it's daily impacts on me because more than knowing they'd worry… and despite knowing no fucks would actually be given and the way they look at me wouldn't change bc they're one of the only people I fully trust wouldn't be weirded out by the full impact of FND on my life bc they've read some of my tumblr things about it before, he knows more than most tbh… I am terrified of that anxious feeling that is entirely trauma of 'Will I become too much after this one'.

I no longer ask things of my abled bodied friends.

I can actually pinpoint the exact interactions I stopped asking as much and I think my actual final straw was after my previous relationship ended and my ex (who is still one of my best friends) started dating someone who is also chronically ill but differently… and hearing the comments made by his family and friends about the 'Relief he was dating someone he didn't have to take care of'.

And he tried to shield me from a lot of the comments, but shit still makes its way back to me and fucked me up a little.

It's weird knowing the two reactions from abled bodied friends would be a mix of 'why didn't you tell me?' and 'I don't understand what you want, you seen fine.' if I ever opened up about how bad it is.

I actually miss living with my cousin bc it was the only place I didn't have to lie about the pain I was in and would get the help in the ways I needed it most without fighting for it.

And tbh; I don't really know if I have a point other than it's fucking hard and the people in my life who aren't disabled have actually made it terrifying to tell even my closest also chronically ill friends how bad it actually is.

Because it got easier to pretend I'm not struggling in pain than admit that I am and ask for help and feel unwanted/rejected.

And abled bodied discomfort is infuriating when it makes you feel so alone and impacts your relationships because they're uncomfortable.

[tenpintsof-sundrop]

I just announced on my writing blog why I deleted (redacted fic name) and in record time, I got 3 asks of such varying colour and it's actually hilarious.

the minute that a writer flexes the fact that they can take back their fics if you are rude to them, you have a toddler fit and become even more rude. how do you not see what the problem is here?

shade one: "well if you deleted it, you're actually letting the trolls and haters win. and the people who were actually nice to you and left nice comments didn't do anything and now we don't get the fic for no reason!!" aka the classic: 'you're punishing the whole class for no reason'.

that is literally my fucking point.

I am trying to make the rude people feel worse (if they can even have that much conscious thought) - because it is a handful of rude comments that overshadow the nice comments. that is just how the human brain works unfortunately. one rude comment on a fic with ten nice comments is unfortunately more memorable, so people just need to stop being rude in the comments of fics. my whole point: if you have rude things to say - don't comment. pack it up and leave. you don't have to comment 'criticisms' on a fic. you really don't.

also, the reason I left it on AO3, a place where I can turn off comments (because you can't turn off replies on just one post on Tumblr, you have to turn them off on your account altogether) - is so that the 'nice people' can still read it. I just don't have to listen to people whine in the comments anymore

shade two: "you call other people entitled but you're the entitled one!!"

the minute that an author reminds you that fanfiction can be taken away from you, you get pressed. cute

shade three: "just ignore the rude comments and keep writing what you wanna write!! people are allowed to have their own opinions about your story!!"

sigh. I am literally so. fucking. sick. of this fucking attitude.

one: this is what I am doing. I am planning to continue writing while trying my best to ignore all the rude comments on that fic that I have gotten. I am not gonna start writing sweet, smooth female characters just because people endlessly called my main character a mean bitch in that fic. I am gonna continue writing what I want to.

BUT that fic and the reception of it left such a harsh taste in my mouth about that fandom and those characters that I no longer want to write for that fandom. you see how it works? you can deter writers away from certain fandoms with rudeness

two: why is it my job to ignore rude comments on my fics rather that it being readers jobs not to comment rude things on fics that they have access to for free? why should I have to endure the mental stress of having my work berated? yes, people are entitled to having 'their own opinion' about my story, but they are not entitled to put it in the comments where I am forced to read it. and don't pretend that I'm not forced to read it - because it becomes a direct notification toward me when people make those comments.

you can have your opinions, but you don't have to speak them aloud. why is that not common sense?

I come across plenty of things in fanfiction that I don't like (fatphobia, boring smut, the colour system, belly bulge kink, the list goes on) but I keep my mouth shut about it. the number of comments I have made about those things to authors in the last year - 0.

anyway.

I am gonna come back later this year with fics that I am proud of and hopefully I won't have to turn the comments off with those fics

[feralwifey]

Regarding my breakdown last night lol. I don't really have anyone to ask because the only people irl that really know my baby are my parents and they're great grandparents but we're really bad parents.

I did a lot of reading and found this post from a psychologist talking about exactly what I was struggling with. At night we bed share and I always nurse her to sleep which ends up in her nursing for hours. She also just seems to cry a lot. She's very sensitive in general, but also extremely active, she definitely has fomo like she'll stop nursing a million times to see what's going on sometimes and because of sleep deprivation on my side I've been more stressed and I guess it might have been affecting her as well. Anyway that post talks exactly about that. And I've figured.out that I'm literally scared to death of her crying and me not knowing what to do. Because I was neglected or specifically my mother would get angry when she couldn't figure out why I was crying I've been projecting my trauma onto her.

Long story short, if she's fed, fresh diaper, has no pains, isn't sick, etc but she still cries in my or my husband's arms then we'll just hold her and that's it. Maybe this seems obvious to most parents but because of my trauma I was always in "fix it or you'll die" mode. I will also not constantly nurse her at night anymore. Like she'll get fed but she won't have unrestricted access because maybe it's not true but the post compared it to eating when you're stressed. Which it is but idk how babies brains work with that. Anyway it talked about how sometimes or often in some cases babies just cry to deal with stuff that's going on or just something they're mentally dealing with. Which is so stupid why it didn't occur to me like I do it all the time. And it talked about how just like us sometimes they just need a shoulder to cry on. Idk I literally cried while reading it to my husband because it made me feel stupid for not even thinking about that option.

Let's see if this will help.

[rusquared]

a conversation with my body [TW: self harm]

could you cut that out? hm? could you cut that out, please,

i can't have you healing that fast. ah, right, this? i mean,

the pain signals were pretty fast and you did a fair job of

bandaging it up- that wasn't for you to close it this quickly, though.

i suppose it wasn't. and you, hands, could you stop shaking? i've barely

had a coffee and i can't even use a pipette. right, right, but you managed.

i would've managed faster! possibly. you don't seem to mind

the legs though. the legs can shake all they want, it doesn't affect

my drawing skills. favoritism. how can i have favoritism between my own limbs?

you certainly seem to favor one arm over the other.

… i AM right-handed, after all. simply comes down to ease of access. you could

give the left hand a break, though. i try to. you don't. i manage, sometimes. it's

been a while since you last managed. i find it hard to care lately. and besides,

you keep closing it up so fast i can't help the next one.

ow, shifting the blame?

it's still blaming me, though. aren't you me? aren't we?

or, well, something forced to bear me. quite the motherly choice of phrase

you got there. shut up. why are you so efficient at this one thing? it's not

like i take my vitamins. get on that, maybe. answer the question.

there's no answer to give.

what, that it's just how it is? no,

that this is all we know.

you were brought here to exist, and we were brought here to help you do so.

nice mind-body separation there- be quiet for a minute.

all we know is how to keep you alive, and we've got a, what, 80-year contract

on that? give or take.

wish you had a better assignment, huh? not particularly.

the origami is fun. if you'd let me make the sunflower it would be better. give

it a shot this week, maybe it'll be your lucky turn. is the brain in a separate

room? i need a word with it.

of course you do. hey, could you also stop staying up that late? could you

stop making me sleep in? could you stop making us make you sleep in?

could you take the coffee in peace? just barely meeting the FDA

maximum, huh? better than the caffeine pills, i suppose. i concede.

you should stop that scrolling, though. or put on those stupid glasses of yours-

no, wait, you need a new prescription by now. yeah, yeah.

…it's not half bad, i suppose. we liked the poetry from last week. you can

perceive literature? enough with the snark.

we liked the view from the tower, too. and the canals.

the hand-holding wasn't bad, either, say the hands. the butterflies were though.

hah, maybe.

it's nice to make the roses, over and over. the fingers have gotten awfully used to it.

you forgot the other instructions though. they're so similar! of course we'd mix it up.

do you like the digital art now? it's new, but you like being able to erase it, don't you?

yeah. it's nice to fix the mistakes. over, and over.

say,

can we really not go back? nope. did you check? yep, just asked the Boss.

are you sure? pretty certain, like, i think even the telomeres would agree-

no more biology, please. you're literally talking to it.

and what makes you think we'll be the same? what? say we did go back,

you and Brain all knowledgeable and shit. what then?

i'd fix it all. and if we didn't? what do you mean? who's to say

we won't heal the next one - and there will be a next one, as long as you

have learned its possibility. who's to say we won't kill that one

cell, won't save that one ear- that could happen right now, too!

of course it could.

so now what? do i just sit here? do i just accept you? not much of a choice

there, bud. you don't really have to accept us, though. you've already done

that. i haven't. you apologize to us, occasionally. rarely, if ever.

i hate you. you don't. i hate me. bingo. you're not me? we are your

vessel, just getting you to the next minute. there's not much to find there.

ha! that's what you said last month, and then the

snow arrived, and then the sun rose,

and then your friend smiled at you again.

[lovelylotusf1]

hiya ❤️ noticed u said ur away from tumblr for a while so i hope u don’t mind me sending this in. i also hope everything in your life gets back on track as much as it can and that you feel better ❤️‍🩹 i stumbled across sweet kitten today and omg it’s a masterpiece… i’m obsessed. i love how clear it is that charles cares about max and understands how he can’t necessarily say some things or when to coax him through it (a little meanly) bc you’ve created a world where they’re so obviously in love 😭

‘Charles is here and he will wait for however long it takes until Max is able to gather his thoughts’ is such a lovely line that really shows this and also makes the whole thing so much hotter because they trust each other so much. charles going through the names (hitting good boy as well) and then immediately recalibrating when he figures it out was sooooo !!

and then charles being that little bit mean while max is so desperate for it really truly made the whole fic like i just adore the dynamic and whiny bottom max and u have done it so brilliantly. “But don’t you think good kittens should say please?” was absolutely LETHAL once charles had established the correct boundary. and i think “Poor little kitty. You can't just meow and expect me to understand” truly cemented this as a fic of All Time for me.

sorry for literally quoting ur own fic back at u i just really need to impress upon you the way this has rewired my brain omg. ‘Charles smiles at him, the one where his dimples show, distracting from his brilliantly sharp teeth that are trying to sink into any weak spot he finds’ is SUCH a line and really shows how poor max got lulled into his false sense of security. “Then I will stay like this until you remember your manners. Bad boys need to do the work themselves” like life changing for max and i both clearly. “Oh, have I messed you up a bit too much?” totally sealed the deal. charles u know exactly what ur doing working poor max up and then making him pay for it.

the conversation at the end was also so lovely and honest and slice of life before max got banished to the shower… u can so tell how in enamoured they are with each other. i too like it when charles is mean to u max sorry to say. anyways so sorry for coming into ur ask box and ranting like this, just needed u to know how brilliant i think your writing, dialogue and characterisations are and to let u know that i will be the second chapter’s biggest fan!!!

Anon, I don't know what to say. This is probably my favourite message/comment I've ever gotten🥹 In fact, as soon as I have access to a printer, I will probably print this out and glue it into my notebook so I can re-read this over and over again.

Coming back to this after my short break is incredible, I'm literally shaking while trying to stop myself from crying.

I'm so glad you liked the fic! Sweet Kitten has become so special to me after hearing how much joy it gives people. Very happy that the love between Max and Charles comes across, because my main focus truly was trying to convey how well they know and trust each other! Hitting the balance between Charles being mean, but also showing how much he loves Max was truly a process that needed lots of editing and rewriting. Because smut is, above all, a character study for me, I am overjoyed when I hear that people liked the characterization :D

In hindsight, I'm sorry for saying chapter 2 will be out in a month because it has been over 2 and it's still not finished lmao. But it will be out! One day! The whole fic is currently sitting at 13k words, and if fic!Charles complies, it won't drag on for much longer.

Don't ever say sorry for coming into my askbox and "quoting my fic back at me", I love hearing people's thoughts and I loved every word of this!!!💗

[whsprings]

some updates!

I am officially discharging in one(1) week! it doesn't feel real yet. I am very nervous about being able to maintain recovery long-term, especially because I still supplement multiple times a day to meet my meal plan due to fullness. and occasionally due to poor food quality, lol.

I did try to get my dietitian to compromise on my meal plan because I physically cannot do it and uh. that did not work. I am not surprised. but like girl i am not gonna supplement myself so we gotta figure something out here

i have my first snack pass tomorrow! I've been eligible for like two weeks but I didn't get around to planning anything bc I was procrastinating but I guess it's happening.

speaking of passes, apparently insurance wants me to do a full day pass to get some practice before i leave. technically that's a phase 3 thing (I'm phase 2) but my team said they'd make an exception. I'm kind of annoyed that I'm doing passesbfor the first time literally my last week here but in a way being responsible for one snack and one meal per day on php is kind of a pass?? I guess?? also even if things go horribly wrong on my theoretical day pass it won't affect my discharge date so part of me is like oh?? this means I can use the behaviors?? but I don't Want To Do That. but also I do.

the meal outing today was to the fucking cheesecake factory 😭 like this had to be some form of cruel and unusual punishment. like first of all it's not that good and second of all the menu has the calories listed AND is like 10182552 pages long AND we were required to get cheesecake with our meals. oh, and they took forever so by the time we got back to programming it was literally time for pm snack 😭🙃 they let us supplement with dinner (thank god) bc what the fuck

that being said it actually wasn't horrendous. like we tried to keep conversations going and no one was (that) fucking weird about what they ordered. the anticipatory anxiety was definitely worse than the actual thing. I had very strong compensatory restriction urges BUT I still completed my silly little meal plan soooo

my mood has been lower the past few days which has led to me bedrotting after programming instead of doing anything which in turn makes me feel worse which makes me not want to do anything wh-- anyway I love living with depression and having a brain that just fucking wakes up sad for no reason

I am fully, painfully aware that I will not have access to my weight starting when I discharge and it's freaking me the fuck out. despite me completing the past few weeks my weight has been stable which is incredibly soothing to my silly brain and has made completion so much easier. my weight has changed very little from what I admitted at and I would love to keep it that way. that being said, no one seems to have any idea of what my set point is, and I Cannot just. trust my body to take care of that for me. i feel like if I just Knew my weight and could therefore "make sure" it isn't going up and maintain my ability to reassure myself, then maybe I can do this. maybe.

like I can tolerate my current body and size and weight and even though my body image fluctuates I can always come back to the fact that things haven't really changed. but I can't fucking do that if I dont know the number. also if I know the number I can "fix" things if it starts going up. fucks sake.

anyway. ive spent way too long on this and it's almost midnight.

tldr things are mostly going well and i discharge in a week and I am still a control freak.