#like more consistent clusters than mental illnesses

[queerforscience]

Summary: Unmasking Autism by Devon Price has a lot of good insights, but in my opinion could use more nuance about the harms experienced by early diagnosed autistics and autistics who can't mask.

I've been listening to the audiobook of Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. There's a lot of really good information in it and a lot that's really relatable as a late diagnosed, trans, fairly high masking autistic and I have a few criticisms of it:

It seems that Dr. Price falls into the common "grass is greener" pitfall. The book is focused on the harms of masking and the way that oppression forces many marginalized people to mask. It also discusses the way that this causes many marginalized people to not be recognized as autistic, which robs us of a valuable tool for understanding ourselves and our struggles. I felt that the way these very really harms were discussed sometimes minimized the also very real harms that come with being diagnosed as autistic as a child, especially for marginalized people. These discussions also didn't acknowledge the fact that some autistics cannot mask and experience specific harms because of that.

Similarly, I felt there were some missed chances to emphasize the internalized ableism component of the urge to distance ourselves from the label autism. This was framed in a discussion about how certain stereotypes about autism can make it more difficult to recognize and identify with autism within ourselves, but many of those stereotypes, like "the nonverbal toddler in bulky noise cancelling headphones at the grocery store, do represent some very real autistics who are also valuable human beings. This was addressed some later in the book than when this criticism first arose for me, but I think it's something that should have been more emphasized throughout. Similarly, there could have been more emphasis that people who do fit certain other labels also deserve to be treated better when when discussing the stigma that comes with some misdiagnoses autistic people commonly receive, such as personality disorders.

At least as far as I've gotten, there's a fair amount of discussion of eating disorders among autistic people, but this discussion has been strictly about restrictive eating disorders and primarily anorexia. It's fine to focus on that, but if you claim to be discussing eating disorders generally you also need to talk about bingeing. ARFID should also be included, especially if you're talking about autistics!

There's a lot of discussion about maladaptive drug use and substance use disorders among autistic people, but so far I feel there's been a lack of recognition that drug use can be adaptive as well.

So far, I think I would overall recommend the book. However, I do also worry about what people reading it without also having heard the perspectives of high support needs and/or low masking autistics may take away from it. Similarly, I also think people reading it should be sure to seek out the perspectives of people who do identify with BPD, NPD, schizophrenia, and other highly stigmatized disorders that autistic people are sometimes labelled with.

[damagedcoda6669]

how did youknow youbhad bpd? what were the main "symptoms" ?? soryif it comes off as personal or uncomfy you dont hsveto answer

(im rlly rlly rlly autistic abt bpd PREPARE 4 AN ENTIRE BIBLE ABT HOW I DISCOVERED I HAD IT)

ive exhibited symptoms of bpd my entire life (it usually starts 2 present in childhood or early adulthood, it comes from childhood abuse/neglect) i only started 2 notice something was wrong in my tweens/early teens, when malachi became my favorite person and every1 was calling me mentally ill and weird and obsessive. ive known my entire life i was neurodivergent (first started therapy at 6 or 7, diagnosed with bipolar + autism + adhd + depression + anxiety RLLY early on) but there was something else that felt wrong 2 me. at that age i didnt rlly know what 2 search 4 or who 2 talk 2, so i just went on google and searched "love disorders" and obsessive love disorder came up (which isnt even in the DSM iirc) and i posted on google plus saying i likely had that and was shot down IMMEDIATELY 4 "self diagnosing" so i didnt revisit it again until a few years later.

after my breakup in 2021 i felt like it hurt WAY MORE than was normal. i stumbled across a video abt bpd during that time period and it resonated with me way 2 much. im impulsive, i have angry outbursts, im constantly suicidal, i self harm, i have extreme mood swings, i dont know who i am and ive always just mirrored other ppl, i dissociate, i have black and white thinking, i view ppl as all good or all bad and i split, i have consistently unstable relationships, i get attached 2 ppl more than i should be, and i have a paralyzing, nauseating fear of abandonment. i have every symptom in the diagnostic criteria.

i brought up the possibility of me having bpd with my mom i think (i had no one else 2 go 2 becuz all of my friends abandoned me and my parents took away my internet access) and i was shot down again, with my mom saying the CLASSIC "(insert family member) has bpd and shes crazy. ur normal. stop pretending theres something wrong with u. if u had bpd u'd be vindictive and petty and evil. do u think ur those things?"

once i figured out how 2 get my internet access back, maryland dude forced the bpd label on2 me becuz he wanted 2 explain my "abusive" behaviors (he was abusing me but tried 2 gaslight me in2 thinking i had a victim complex and that it was the other way around) and i became uncomfortable with the label becuz he made it seem like if i had bpd then i was a bad person. i continued researching the disorder becuz it still resonated with me even though i was now insecure abt it.

i became comfortable with the label again after he abandoned me, and i brought it up with my therapist. my therapist would HEAVILY DENY that i had bpd, telling me that "if u had bpd u would be attempting suicide 4 attention" "u fit the diagnostic criteria but ur autistic so all of ur symptoms can just be attributed 2 autism srry" "ive had clients with bpd and if u were like them u wouldve had an outburst in my office and be yelling at me by now" and she would even smile at me whenever i brought up my bpd becuz she thought it was funny that i thought i had it, i think. the first time i brought it up with her she told me "its rlly irresponsible 2 self diagnose after reading liek two articles online abt some extreme disorder becuz u think ur broken. ur not broken. dont self diagnose with bpd" and i had to EXPLAIN 2 HER that i wasnt self diagnosing and that id researched it in depth 4 years actually and that she was making assumptions. horribly ableist towards ppl with cluster b disorders, this is a MASSIVE RED FLAG but i didnt switch therapists becuz i was still living with my parents at this point and i felt out of control in every aspect of my life 4 this reason, i didnt even see switching therapists as an option.

then in 2023, while i was homeless, i got evaulated by a psychiatrist. i discussed my bpd with him and finally got diagnosed. i told my therapist i was diagnosed with bpd and she said something like "well im not always gonna be able 2 catch everything" BUT I WAS TELLING U ABT MY BPD 4 MONTHS!!!!! so glad i dont have that therapist anymore but now i dont have one at all, so liek.. hrmmm >:c

im gonna end this by saying.. self diagnosis is valid!!! its so hard 2 get a bpd diagnosis becuz its so demonized and stigmatized, that even those in the mental health system r ableist towards the disorder and those who have it. diagnosis is not always an option with disorders like bpd, and thats so frustrating. its so hard 2 find help becuz every1 thinks ur crazy. but ur not crazy!!! i love all my fellow bpders, i know how agonizing and it is 2 live this tormented life. if u suspect u have bpd, the bpd community welcomes u and supports u!!! and i do 2 :3

[ravenkinnie]

do you think jinx is good rep for bpd people? I see many saying she's accurate but I also see others call her terrible rep not bcs inaccuracy but bcs of how violent she is and how she could give a negative impression of bpd

I mean, the use of the good representation casus is usually what I have a problem with because wheat does good representation even mean. I mostly see people judge it on basis of whether the character makes the whole ass community look nonthreatening amd sympathetic which I loathe - to me, it should be judged on character construction level, is this aspect of the character consistent and written with the same attention to emotional beats, inner logic and narrative as everything else? and jinx is because her emotional landscape is key to the show as a whole and is written with the same attention to her humanity as every other character, she is not a caricature

i say this as someone who has bpd and has interacted with bpd communities so many times over the years but bpd does make you a difficult person to form relationships with, if it didn't you wouldn't have bpd khkgkj I realise that when you search bpd you will never find actual resources for people with bpd like you would with depression or anxiety but usually articles written by frustrated dudes who have beef with their crazy exes and people love to chalk everything up to cluster bs being inherently insane or sth. this is why you need to get rid off the black and white thinking that judges people on moral value like they are fictional characters because irl people who you have problems with probably have more going on than meets the eye - which doesn't absolve you of giving other people the same grace you want to be given but it means no one is just evil or not

sometimes mental illness will make you a really shitty friend or partner and recognising how those actions affect people in your life and taking responsibility for them IS part of recovery that is extremely uncomfortable but it doesn't mean its not human and shouldn't be portrayed in media just because its complicated. and sometimes a bitch chooses to remain a cunt kbjbkbj

[mithliya]

do you think radblr used to be better a couple of years ago? as a crypto looking in it seemed a lot more positive and less divided overall than it is now, but maybe that was just from my outsider’s perspective. hope you’re having a good day 💗

honestly idk if i’d say it was necessarily better, maybe just.. different? the plus side is there were fewer conservative orbiters, but it was also more ableist & just as drama-filled. it was also consistently lesbophobic. back then ppl seriously would argue that bisexuality is some mental illness & ppl with certain mental illnesses are automatically bisexual, “cluster bi” (in reference to cluster b) & there was this one popular woman who would praise an anti-feminist woman and she was like. worshipped on radblr. i also had rape wished on me multiple times, got basically doxxed, ppl posted pics of my mother & got her info too, someone would literally post pics of homes for sale in my village in bahrain, etc… so it was still toxic as hell for sure

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

recently one of my siblings got severely (physically) ill, so now everyone is paying attention to them only, and completely ignoring my problems and how i feel and i really feel like im going to lose it. even before i hardly ever got any real attention but now it’s even worse. i don’t even give a fuck about what happens to the sibling but i have to pretend like i do because otherwise i’d automatically be seen as a “bad person”. i’m so sick over this bc like i’m always the one to get ignored and dismissed by the majority of people. idk what to do like i’m considering taking drastic measures like overdosing on drugs on purpose or committing a crime just to make someone notice me - even if in a bad way. i’ve already always hated my siblings because my shitty parents obviously love them more because somehow i’m the only one that had to get all the mental issues. i keep getting into arguments but it doesn’t change anything and then they start insulting me too and i feel even worse. i really don’t know how to go on. i wish i could run away and leave and make them regret how they always treated me but i’m in a situation where i can’t do that at the moment and i’m stuck at home for at least a few more months

hi! i'm so sorry to hear that, not only that your sibling is ill but also that as a result you aren't getting any attention. your problems are real too, and it's awful that they're being ignored. that being said, and i know this is easier said than done, but please keep yourself safe. harming yourself isn't the answer, especially not in the long run. it's incredibly fucked up that they insult you, and i hope that you're able to get out of that situation soon.

you aren't a bad person, the way you're feeling right now is super common with npd/cluster b in general. it's not right that you always get ignored, no one deserves that and it's especially shitty when you have a disorder like this that makes it hurt even more.

if it's at all possible, getting out of the house will be a huge help - even if you can't technically move out yet, just getting away for a few hours each day might prove to be a good idea. especially if you can interact with people who can consistently give you attention in a healthy way, although i do know that this is unfortunately easier said than done. either way, i hope you're able to get out permanently/for good soon.

[hatredmadeofgold]

Raiden most definitely has Anti-Social Personality Disorder

— An essay by a fan who also has ASPD

Side note by author: This essay will be updated in the future (a new post will be made). Hello, my name is R and I was diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder when I was 23 years old back in 2018. I also study in the field of psychology and medicine, so I know a thing or two about mental health. In this essay I want to elaborate why I think that Raiden doesn’t just suffer from (complex) PTSD but also Anti-Social Personality Disorder and I base this interpretation on canon evidence, research I did on the mental health of former child soldiers as well as my own experience with the disorder.

In the following text Anti-Social Personality Disorder will be shortened to ASPD.

What is Anti-Social Personality Disorder?

ASPD, also known as Dissocial Personality Disorder/DSPD in the ICD, formerly known under the name Psychopathy or Sociopathy, is a Cluster B (the ‘dramatic’ type) personality disorder known under the ICD-Code F60.2 or the DSM-V Code 301.7.

The reason why I will not call ASPD Socio- or Psychopathy in this essay is that these terms have been obsolete since the introduction of the DSM-IV in 1994, the disorders have been merged into one disorder as well as the fact that the ASPD community widely regards these terms as the equivalent of a slur (If you do not have the disorder yourself, do not, under any circumstances, use these words. There are words such as ‘asshole’ that describe shitty people better than you being downright ableist in your choice of words. Note that the subreddits r/aspd and r/sociopath are overrun by illness fakers and people who refuse to get better, they do not represent people with the disorder really well).

According to the DSM-V, ASPD is described as the following:

“A. A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviours, as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest,

2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure,

3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead,

4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults,

5. Reckless disregard for the safety of self or others,

6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behaviour or honour financial obligations,

7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalising having hurt, mistreated or stolen from another.

B. The individual is at least age 18.

C. There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.

D. The occurrence of antisocial behaviour is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.”

What the diagnostic criteria of ASPD does not list is that people with the disorder often times also have low affect, which is indicated by shallow, rather fleeting, inconsistent emotionality as well as a partial or complete lack of affective (emotional) empathy. This is likely caused by chronic emotional dissociation and is irreversible.

People with ASPD are capable of feeling every emotion, but the operative here is can, not will. Often times the emotional experience is reduced to feeling content, bored, apathetic and angry or irritated. Everything else is very much background noise that can be ignored with ease. Also people with ASPD are able to use cognitive (learned) empathy, but often times this is used to manipulate. Some people with ASPD are self-aware, either through diagnosis or life experience. It is possible to have a completely normal life with this disorder and people around the person with ASPD do not notice that they have anything at all, because we are pretty much capable of faking emotions very well thanks to great observational skills. However, this does not apply to every person with ASPD.

ASPD is caused by prolonged abuse, neglect and/or trauma in (early) childhood which likely involved heavy exposure to violence. Poverty is also linked to the likelihood of someone developing it. A genetic link is being researched but has yet to be proven to be able to cause this disorder without any of the aforementioned. The so called ‘warrior gene’ theory is pretty much bullshit, as it is argued that it can only appear in people of European ethnicity. This theory is pretty much racism at its finest and therefore anti-science.

Antisocial Behaviour in former Child Soldiers

“Anti-Social and Disruptive Behaviour

PTSD is also significantly associated with negative behaviour against an individual’s own family, the expression of anger and hostility to others, and self-harm (Burton, Foy, Bwanausi, Johnson, & Moore, 1994; Deykin, 1999; Deykin & Buka, 1997; Dodge, 1993; Dutton e al., 2006; Friedman & Schnurr, 1995; Golding, 1999; Joshi & O’Donnell, 2003; Lewis, 1992; Perry & Pollard, 1998). Research shows that former child soldiers have difficulties in controlling aggressive impulses and have little skills for handling life without violence. These children show on-going aggressiveness within their families and communities, even after relocation to their home villages (Wessels, 2006). In a qualitative study, Magambo and Lett (2004) reported that former child soldiers in northern Uganda mainly applied physical violence to resolve conflicts. Although the children sympathised with victims of violence, they could not even think of non-violent alternatives, reflecting an absence of adequate social skills.

Most former child soldiers have spent several critical years of their development in captivity, under the constant threat of abuse and manipulation by their commanders.

Most probably, this period affects the development of a personal and collective identity (Kanagaratnam, Raundalen, & Asbjornson, 2005). In general, children exposed to war and child soldiering show a strong identification with their own group (Gloeckner, 2007; Jensen & Shaw, 1993), and develop a worldview dominated by political and nationalistic categories (Feshbach, 1994). In the Gloeckner (2007) study, it emerged that the longer children had stayed in abduction, the stronger was their rebel-related collective identity. But it may be that their collective identification might occur post hoc after return to their home communities. Gloeckner explained that questions and discussions of family and community members about the cruelty of the LRA’s actions may activate a process of reasoning about what had happened. Former beliefs about ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ actions might clash with current ones, and in order to regain cognitive homeostasis, identification with the rebel group is aspired. Interestingly, this study showed a positive correlation between collective identification and reactive aggression (physical and verbal aggression and anger). In addition, Gloeckner (2007) reported that formerly abducted children with PTSD might be especially vulnerable to accepting simplistic models of ‘good versus bad’ – a black and white worldview, which is a known cognitive distortion. Although a rigid political view might be protective during exposure to war events, it might facilitate violent behaviour after returning from the fighting to individuals’ home communities.

Children living in conditions of political violence and war have been described as ‘growing up too soon’ and ‘losing their childhood’ (Boothby & Knudsen, 2000; UNICEF, 2005, 2006). Levels of conscience seemed to be significantly related to the severity of PTSD symptomatology, but also with negative schematisations of self and others and lower self-efficacy ratings (Goenjian et al., 1999; Joseph, Brewin, Yule, & Williams, 1993; Saigh, Mroueh, Zimmerman, & Fairbanks, 1995).“

- The Psychological Impact of Child Soldiering (by Elisabeth Schauer and Thomas Elbert)

“Behavioral Problems

Former child soldiers exposed to brutal episodes of war-related violence face a range of behavioral problems. In addition, post-conflict factors may contribute to varying degrees of vulnerability to adverse behavioral outcomes. According to Lev Vygotsky the child’s culture and community that he lives in largely affects his development. Vygotsky believed that important learning by the child occurs through social interaction.

For a number of years child soldiers spend time with adult militants under strict rules and regulations. The children were constantly exposed to hostile situations that had negative impact on their psychosocial wellbeing. The children’s thinking pattern and cognitive schemas changed in to more aggressive and violent direction. The children were indoctrinated to perform atrocities without asking questions. They witnessed the gloomy realties of war that made drastic changes in their behavior. The children who had committed atrocities in the past have high risk of developing conduct disorders or anti-social personality disorder and addiction problems if their mental health issues are not appropriately addressed.

In Nepal, Kohrt and his team in 2008 concluded that post-conflict factors such as stigma might contribute to adverse mental health outcomes. Former child soldiers in his sample showed significantly higher symptoms of depression and PTSD compared to matched controls even after adjusting for exposure to traumatic events. In 2010 the researcher Betancourt did a prospective study to investigate psychosocial adjustment in male and female former child soldiers in Sierra Leone using 156 male and female child soldiers. Over the 2-year period of follow-up, youth who had wounded or killed others during the war demonstrated increases in hostility. It has been reported that former child soldiers in Uganda had various behavioral problems and some of them were charged with anti-social activity after their demobilization. Over 70% of prisoners in the juvenile crime unit in the Gulu District, Uganda are former child soldiers, incarcerated on charges of rape, assault and theft.

Social relationships play a key role in child’s behavior as explained by the Psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner. Nested interacting spheres of social relationships that determine individual behavior and well-being are the fundamental components of analysis in social ecology. When these children were abducted and kept in camps, they had no way of having healthy social relationships.”

- Psychosocial Problems Of Child Soldiers (by Professor Daya Somasundaram and Dr. Ruwan M. Jayatunge)

These to excerpts from two different essays on the mental health of former child soldiers speak for themselves. ASPD is also the only personality disorder that is associated with child soldiers.

Although Raiden had been in treatment when sent to the United States, it doesn’t seem that the treatment had been appropriate enough to prevent him from developing ASPD. It’s mentioned in the Metal Gear wiki that he had at least become ‘outwardly stable’, however, we can see from how he behaves in canon that he hasn’t processed any of his trauma whatsoever. To treat PTSD or any personality disorder, appropriate trauma therapy is required. This has obviously not been the case for him, as he’s incredibly mentally unstable and violent. Even the introduction of nanomachines in his body through the Patriots hasn’t prevented any of his behavioural problems although they did successfully suppress his memories of his trauma, as we learn in MGS2.

The way Raiden shows traits of ASPD

Shallow Affect and Lack of Empathy

Albeit Raiden is portrayed as an emotional person, his emotionality often consists of anger and aggressiveness, and he doesn’t seem to be particularly empathetic either.

In fact, his lack of empathy (and how he justifies his actions to himself) is even being called out by Jetstream Sam in the 4th chapter of Metal Gear Rising. He is also shown to have no reactions to allies dying (Emma Emmerich in MGS2 and Naomi Hunter in MGS4) and is just awkwardly standing there like a cardboard cut-out. While Snake doesn’t show or say anything in these scenes either, his stance is not awkward like Raiden’s.

Raiden is also often told to calm down by various characters throughout the franchise when he is reacting to things with anger or aggression to an almost inappropriate level and he never takes it well. Neither is he good with receiving criticism, and will verbally attack the person who criticised him.

Kevin Washington also calls him creepy for how Raiden describes the cyborgs he is killing like ‘walking vending machines’.

It is also said in the script of MGS2 that Raiden in general has trouble understanding other people’s feelings.

Failure to conform to social norms

“Companies like ours — yours — bend the law as they see fit. Why not bend it when it can save innocent lives?” — Raiden to Boris in MGR

The entire game of Metal Gear Rising basically encompasses this whole part of Raiden. He is seen to be breaking the law out of an emotional urge (which Blade Wolf comments on as well after the awakening of Jack the Ripper) because seeing the children in the lab in Guadalajara being turned into cyborgs against their will triggered him. We learn that he doesn’t act like this because he is some kind of hero protecting the weak (as he is always trying to tell everyone including the player for the first half of the game), he does this out of selfish reasons — to have a reason to kill. His morality is quite grey. Sure, he is on the side of the ‘good guys’ — but his methods are cruel, the style of an anti-hero.

“Not that much of a hero after all, right?” — Raiden to Blade Wolf after killing Monsoon

He shifts his morality as he sees fit — same as the companies he is criticising. Armstrong points out their “kindred spirits” as he is dying at the end of the game as well and we as a player understand that our enemy is right. To achieve our goals, we went overboard with everything and justified our violence — Raiden’s violence — with doing the ‘right’ thing.

Manipulation and Deceitfulness

“So it was artificial on my end too. It was just a game, not the real thing.”

Raiden says this to Rose after she confesses to him that she is a Patriot spy and it almost feels like a confession. The way he says it is very callous, unlike how he talked to her before (and he reverts back to his ‘usual’ self later on anyway), it feels like a ‘mask slip’ where he says what he truly feels. I think about this scene a lot and it makes me believe that Raiden did not truly love Rose until he actually lost her (MGS4). Basically ‘not recognising what you had until you lose it’. People with ASPD often get into relationships to get something out of it – be that getting rid of boredom, money or sex – and they go very far when it comes to faking emotions such as love. It is often said that we cannot love, but this isn’t true. Love to us is more of a conscious choice of committing to someone rather than an emotion and can be very mature when it’s honest. We are also very obsessive lovers, which can turn very toxic very fast if not self-aware and controlled.

Impulsivity and the failure to plan ahead

Stabbing himself to impale Vamp without thinking through that he is going to bleed out, quitting his job at Maverick without thinking through how he is going to pay his bills in the future and the entire ordeal that is the World Marshal incident are what I can list on top of my head where Raiden acts very impulsively.

Aggressiveness, Abusive and Violent Behaviour

In MGS2, Rose mentions that Raiden ‘raised his hand against her’ when she tried to enter his room. This translates to more than just a slap in the face (and even that is horrible behaviour when you are in a relationship) if we look further into Raiden’s behaviour across all the games in which he appears. In the same game we learn that Raiden genuinely enjoys murder. He asks Snake about it, horrified about himself, if he does the same which Snake denies.

In MGS4, Rose talks to Snake about Raiden and why they aren’t together anymore. She speaks about how he became a violent alcoholic (Substance Use Disorder is highly common in people with ASPD) as he was unable to cope with his traumatic memories resurfacing. She implies that he got into regular fights as well, saying so by mentioning that he came home covered in cuts and bruises. We don’t know for sure, but it is likely that Raiden also hit Rose as well but she doesn’t outright say it. She just states that she is scared of him.

“I am worried about him, of course, but… I am also afraid of him.” — Rose about Raiden in MGS4 If you look closely at the scene in which Snake mentions Raiden’s family in MGS4, you get a quick glimpse of Raiden trying to hit Snake — only to break down and fall to his knees, crying. His willingness to physically assault people who are close to him is another one of these signs that speak for ASPD in him.

“Resolving everything with violence, is that it, Raiden?” — Sam to Raiden in MGR

“Feasting on the insides of your enemies?” — Monsoon to Raiden in MGR

Both Sam and Monsoon call out Raiden for his violence in MGR and how he justifies his actions with ‘protecting the weak’ which we learn in the same chapter, is a load of bullshit. Raiden confesses that he fights for the pain he feels — or likely, the adrenaline rushes one gets from it — when being hurt in a fight, that protecting the weak was a lie he told himself to ‘keep himself in check’ and that he thought that he could live a normal life, with his friends and family having his back. However, this didn’t work out and he found himself back on the battlefield and we finally learn why and the reasons are just as shallow as the rest of him.

Reckless disregard of the safety of self or others

Raiden’s recklessness in MGS4 could also be read as suicidal ideation, which is also something a lot but not all people with ASPD experience. Impaling himself and cutting off his own limbs are things I would consider ‘reckless disregard for the safety of self’ as he does this without thinking things through. In his fight with Vamp he definitely didn’t want to die in the end, so I suspect this to be him not thinking things through (which he does a lot, acting on impulses). The same goes for his wish to walk through the microwaves instead of Snake (and god I wish he would’ve gone instead of Snake), which Snake points out is suicidal and that he has a whole life to live still.

In MGR, Raiden decides to eradicate World Marshal, the largest PMC in the universe at the time of the game, entirely by himself. He raids its Headquarters with total disregard for his own safety or that of others, as he is just ‘lucky’ that the parts of Denver he is getting through, are blocked off from the public. Raiden doesn’t harm civilians — but he doesn’t particularly care if they die either. We know he’s lying to himself about being the good guy. Although his team is unofficially supporting him, he has no backup in case something happens.

Consistent Irresponsibility

Raiden is shown to be consistently irresponsible. He doesn’t hold himself accountable for his actions by lying to himself about his morality and basically gaslighting himself and others about his behaviour. He doesn’t listen to work instructions — Kevin calling him out in the first chapter of MGR for it — and therefore fails missions. He is also shown to constantly argue with the colonel in MGS2, always trying to get out of the situation he is being put into and not taking responsibility.

Lack of Remorse

In MGS2 we learn that Raiden enjoys murder without feeling any particular hard feelings about it. He is terrified about the realisation but doesn’t feel any particular feelings of guilt for it. Neither does he ever mention that he regrets having physically or emotionally harmed Rose in any of the games he appears in (Rose has issues too — they both definitely act like nothing bad ever happened between them at the end of MGS4 and I wish them both a nice stay in the psych ward).

Raiden’s justification to kill in MGR is to ‘protect the weak’ which later turns out to be a complete lie he tells himself and others to seem like the good guy. He’s very much gaslighting himself into believing this throughout the game until Sam and Monsoon confront him about his behaviour and hypocrisy and Raiden drops the mask and reveals his true intentions: that he fights to feel pain in battle, because he gets high on it and that he very much enjoys murder.

“Who protects the weak from the man who ‘protects the weak’?” — Monsoon to Raiden in MGR

In MGR you can also cut off the clothes of civilians you saved. If you do so, your teammates call you out for it. Raiden then does half assed apologies for it, even laughs when being called a nasty creep. He genuinely finds it funny to apparently terrify innocent civilians and doesn’t show any remorse when being called out for it.

Summary

Looking back, Raiden does show many traits of a person with Anti-Social Personality Disorder throughout all the games in which he appears. Although MGR is a lot more “in-your-face” with it, the mainline games show him having those traits very much as well (to be diagnosed one must meet 3 out of 7 listed criteria points, so even if you regard MGR as non-canon, he would still meet the criteria from what we learn from the mainline games). The fact that a lot of former child soldiers struggle with this disorder as adults adds to my theory that he has it. I often see people argue that MGR was not the direction that they would like to see Raiden go and that he is too ‘brutal’. In my opinion, MGR was the more realistic ending for him. I have ASPD and I know that white picket fence home lives just don’t work for people like us. We grow so bored, we start to fuck up shit for ‘fun’ and ruin our lives that way or get addicted to drugs. Raiden choosing the battlefield, finally accepting who he really is (‘Jack the Ripper’), is the more realistic and healthier ending for him than him just lying to himself and being on edge all the time, potentially ruining his marriage that way in the span of a year or two. Love cannot heal extreme childhood trauma, sorry guys. And Raiden seriously needs therapy.

[ndcultureis]

Rules, DNI, Intro, & More!

This is a “x culture is” blog for all neurodivergent folks. So anyone with autism, ADHD, PTSD, dyspraxia, dyslexia, tourette’s, personality disorders, or any other mental illness, psychological/neurological condition, or non-neurotypical neurotype! This includes self-DX folk as well. This was inspired by all the other “x culture is” blogs out there! 

This blog is run by Mod Emri (She/They), Mod Aki (He/Him), Mod Milo (they/he/it) and formally Mod Corvid (They&/Them&) and Mod Theseus (voi/voice)!! Queue is currently posting 11 times a day. Asks are always appreciated.

Submission Rules

Please keep your asks to nd culture submissions only, or at the very least being neurodivergent related!! We’d also appreciate it if you didn’t ask for advice as we’re not able to provide help in that department.

Start submissions with “neurodivergent culture is” or some variation (”autism culture is,” “dyspraxia culture is,” “PTSD culture is,” etc.) Asks will be deleted if they don’t follow this.

Keep all fandom/shipping/character talk vague. We do not know every fandom and may not feel comfortable handling specific fandom or media related submissions.

Try to keep your asks free of discourse, we want this to be as positive a place as possible! (Vagueing about your own struggles or life is fine, though.)

Please try to use tone tags if relevant!

DNI

TERFs

transmeds

MAPs/NOMAPs 

all queerphobes, including a-spec exclusionists, transphobes, biphobes, panphobes, etc.

Those who believe in cluster B abuse (narcissistic/borderline/anti-social/histrionic)

discourse focused/centered blogs 

blogs with minors in their DNI/NSFW blogs 

supporters of Autism Speaks 

We will try to tag everything appropriately, but please let us know if you want anything tagged that we have not been tagging or forgot to tag! (Things we currently try to tag for.)

If you would like to ask us any questions, please read our FAQ first! It’s underneath the cut. Any questions that have already been answered in our FAQ will be deleted and ignored.

FAQ

What’s the difference between “neurodiverse” and “neurodivergent” and why do you use the term neurodivergent instead of another term?

Despite the term “neurodivergent” seeing some use in modern clinical settings and research, it is not a medical term with a consistent set medical definition, and was not coined in a medical or scientific context. The term “neurodivergent” was coined to describe a broad and generalized community of anyone who in any way does not fit the most common or “average” neurotype. Any situation involving any sort of psychological or neurological “abnormality” or “divergence” as compared to the general population counts under this definition. As mentioned before, it is not a medical term; it is a term which serves the purpose of creating and describing a community which has historically and continuously been marginalized. The term “neurodivergent” has often been conflated with the term “neurodiverse” which is a completely different term with a completely different meaning and context. “Neurodiversity” is a term used specifically to describe ADHD, autism, and in some cases a few other conditions in a small and specific group. It was coined decades ago in the context of education, specifically, but has now seen some use to describe the general community of people with these conditions. All neurodiverse conditions fall under neurodivergence, but neurodivergence is a very broad umbrella term that includes far more than just the conditions classified under neurodiversity. The coiner of the term “neurodivergent” has themselves explained this issue in their own post, here.

We use neurodivergent for a few simple reasons, but the biggest one is that it’s accurate. We’re not just talking about neurodiverse people on this blog, even though all of us are neurodiverse. We’re also talking about everything from epilepsy to CPTSD to depression to NPD. This blog is meant to include the entire community of all neurodivergent people, which means everyone who is not completely neurotypical or of the most common/average neurotype. Though this is our primary reason, there are also others. The term “neurodivergent” was not coined to medicalize or marginalize neurodivergent people, as medical terms and diagnoses historically have. It was coined to describe and unify the broad community of all people who in some way do not fit the neurotypical standard and thus face marginalization based upon lacking that privilege. The term is inclusive and was created by an actual neurodivergent person with the actual community of neurodivergent people in mind.

Us using “neurodivergent” and specifically being a neurodivergent blog and community doesn’t stop anyone from have specific spaces for specific conditions or groups of conditions. If someone wants to make a neurodiverse-culture-is blog, we would gladly support it! We are all neurodiverse, after all. However, we are specifically a neurodivergent blog and community, which means we include all neurodivergent conditions beyond just neurodiverse ones. Broad and inclusive communities and community spaces do not stop more specific ones from existing, they just help unify oppressed people, which is good for more reasons than we can fully list.

Does (insert mental illness/condition/disorder) fall under the neurodivergent umbrella? Do I “count” as neurodivergent if I have/am (insert mental illness/condition/disorder)?

The answer, 99.9% of the time, is yes. If you are in any way, shape, or form not completely neurotypical and of the most common/average neurotype, the answer is always yes.

As discussed in the previous answer, the term “neurodivergent” is a broad community term that describes any person who in any way is not 100% of the most common and average neurotype. This means that any given mental illness or psychological condition, as well as any neurological conditions, fall under this definition. You don’t even have to have a specific label, you just have to fall outside of the average or “default” neurotype in some way. This, again, is all from the exact words of the person who coined the term neurodivergent. It is a term to describe a marginalized community, not a clinical or medical diagnosis or group of diagnoses. That is how it was coined and how it has been used, despite its somewhat significant misuse.

We’ve gotten an absurd amount of questions asking if specific conditions, or even people themselves, “count” as neurodivergent. Unfortunately, the fact that this misinformation and worry is so widespread makes a lot of sense. Not only is there a common misconception that neurodivergent and neurodiverse are synonyms, but there is an immense amount of ableism even within disabled and neurodivergent communities. We’ve gotten seemingly genuine requests before to change our entire blog to exclude people with specific conditions. The fact that some neurodivergent people face much more oppression and stigma than others has created a power imbalance within the community, and some neurodivergent people who face this oppression the most or in the most intense ways lose sight of the fact that those who face less than them still are marginalized on the same basis that they are. After all, we’re all neurodivergent. We all do not have the privilege that fully neurotypical people have. By having broad communities like these, we unite all of the people facing this same struggle and being marginalized on the same basis, even if that marginalization often looks or functions very differently. There can still be, and still are, specific communities for specific identities and experiences. Those who face specific experiences can and do have their own spaces and communities relating to those issues. A broad umbrella for all people who face a certain type of marginalization does not erase these specific, smaller communities, nor does it erase the specific struggles of those who face more marginalization than other marginalized people.

We wish we could take the time to compassionately answer each and every request, but the amount of them is huge and they are all essentially the same, with essentially the same response. You can imagine that gets very repetitive very quickly. If you’re here because you were going to ask whether something (or whether you as a person) “counts” as neurodivergent, this is your answer.

Also, consider that you are not erasing space for others by taking up space in this community. You do not cheapen the struggles of others by also having struggles, even if those struggles are less severe or serious. You still deserve space in our community. If you face any kind of ableism or experience any kind of neurodivergence, no matter how "minor” you or others may think it is, that always matters. We need more voices like yours at the table.

I have a question that wasn’t answered here, where/how can I ask it?

First of all, as respectfully as possible, is this a question you can answer by doing some very simple research? There are some very basic questions people with certain conditions get asked quite a bit, and if Google can easily answer something then you have no reason to ask us. If your question something else (what our personal experiences are, specific advice on your own experiences, complicated or inaccessible information about neurodivergence or specific conditions we have, etc.) then you’re welcome to ask us whatever respectful questions you might have. Keep in mind our rule about advice; this is a submission blog and none of us are professionals. Also note that The Corvidae Collective (Mod Corvid) is always open to answer questions on their& blog @mogai-corvidae​ about any of their& identities or experiences, which includes general neurodivergence and many specific conditions. If you’re looking for more in-depth answers, that might be a good place to ask.

[queerautism]

BPD brain anon from this weekend popping in again for an unnecessary update/more inbox rambling, completely unrelated to all the syscourse stuff (which is gross, my heart goes out to OCD anon for their mental illness being used as a talking point).

I'm monoconscious and don't have enough of a sense of self to really recognize any personality changes, beyond any blatantly insane moments (that usually stem from having two Cluster B personality disorders and a cocktail of other mental illnesses). I kind of consider whatever was happening to me this weekend as one of those insane moments, but I DO still think something funky is happening in my subconscious. At the very least, I'm now thinking I'm considerably less "solidly singlet" than I'd thought. I've had a headmate before but I always figured that was more me thought-puppeting responses than an actual headmate.

I could also be doing the BPD brain thing where I convince myself that [thing] is actually a major facet of my identity even though it has literally never come up before, and I, with my lack of consistent self, just go "yeah that looks like it checks out" and adopt it as my identity for YEARS to come. Which is part of why I look back on my previous headmate with suspicion instead of just, accepting that he existed.

I always have a mental dialogue with myself, a back and forth between brain-in-charge and the peanut gallery. Sometimes there is no peanut gallery and my head is void of thought and self. Sometimes there IS a peanut gallery weighing in on my thoughts, and they all speak in my voice. Sometimes I feel like there's a dozen different people saying things but I know they're all the same person, y'know? All NPCs controlled by the same DM. Like this is a game between brain-in-charge and... something submerged in the very back of my brain.

When I was having my Episode, I tried asking myself about it and got some real weird emotional responses, the kind I could feel in my chest and gut even if they weren't really in my brain. I don't remember most of the questions I asked or what caused what responses, but I do remember trying to contact my old headmate. He didn't show up (which I expected, he's been gone for like 12 years), I asked if he was just another puppet, and wham got that gut punch emotional reaction.

Thus: Something Funky Is Happening In My Brain But 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️IDK What🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

At this point I am just liveblogging the process of sorting out my feelings into your inbox, sorry about that 😔 I'm defo gonna have a talk with my therapist about this tomorrow though.

No worries, thank you for sharing your experience! It sounds like you're processing a lot, so it makes sense it'd take some time. I'm glad you can talk it through with your therapist tomorrow.

I'll say, I know some people with BPD do consider their plurality to be related or caused by it. Like, considering the lack of consistent self a part of it, instead of a reason to be suspicious of the concept, if that makes sense?

[ketchupstrain]

I came up with 2 ocs to help me try and visualize how I kind of feel about my gender and myself as a whole (whoever that may be).

First there’s Formless, It’s a Genderfluid gendervoid entity, It is pansexual and panromantic, mute, and an emotional empath to anyone around It. Voids uses the pronouns He/She/They/It/Voids! Voids also is permanently dissociating and always lowkey uncomfortable . It is black with white and tired eyes, with a gradient wispy lower half.

The other oc I made is an android named Cluster. It is agender, asexual, and aromantic. It communicates only through Bleeps and Bloops and no words. It is capable of emotions but is more logic oriented. It is very good at Grounding Formless, and it uses They/It pronouns. It is boxy and grey and has a mouth consisting of 4 sharp angles.

I came up with Formless because I never have truly seen myself as a human, always a formless, shapeless entity with emotions and functioning mental illnesses. I’ve been trying to see myself as more than just a body, more than just a suit of organs, more than just a label of my gender (or a lackthereof?).

I came up with Cluster because when I dissociate (which feels ever present nowadays…) i feel like a robot going through life. The only thing It is better than I am at is Grounding from Dissociation lol

I want to try drawing more of them together, I really love them together. And I hope I can try and discover myself as I draw more of them

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #1

1. The backbone to my emotions

As someone who  cannot conceptualise  time in any way whatsoever, I want to say sorry to my loved ones. I'm aware I still need to send my friends messages every once in a while and remind them I still want to be their friends and I need to actively work on this. I need to overcome this fear stopping me from being present and accepting peoples love and support. I want to break free from me and I want to feel content being on this earth, I want nothing more than to enjoy experiences with my loved ones. I love you I love you.

I am a young charismatic, creative individual learning to do things differently so I don't always have the same outcomes. I suffer from a Cluster B Personality Disorder; under the same umbrella of mental health I also experience extremely intrusive thoughts on a daily basis, that can become obsessive and compulsively hyper fixated thoughts in an instant. I have anxiety, depression and a lot of the time I’m deeply dissociated to a point where I struggle to believe I’m even real, even when I do know I am real- I have no attachment to my limbs or body as a whole and only feel alive in a spiritual sense or when I self harm. I don't want to get too into my illnesses; as I’m not someone who really likes labels, just know that everyday is a battle and each personality that exists within me is different. I wouldn't say drastically, however its evident for me and living with so many different masks can be intense. Especially when you've tried to convince people that you're just one solid mould in the hopes they don't perceive you as an intense person. I am going to try to take you through a few of my altars and moods starting with the emptiest subconscious alters that I call the backbones of my emotions to the more powerful  energetic ones that haven't managed to yet consume me over the years. I hope this can give people an insight.

Overall I present a pretty confident front, I like to appear like I’ve got my life together even though I’m so far from it, sometimes I’m not sure ill even find the strength to go on long enough in attempt to get my life together, which is a real problem but it's the sad truth. Don't waste time reading this if you're easily triggered as this piece of writing will consist of real and genuine feelings. I’m in no attempt trying to create content for people who enjoy turning blind eyes and wishing they didn’t see this so I’ll give you a fair warning. I'm not responsible for your triggers, whereas I’m responsible for the things I’ve done. I might have cared too much at one point, but I will not hold myself captive to those situations nor will I regret them. I want the lies, deceit and hurt that I’ve committed against loved ones to end, my secrecy has done enough damage and its exhausting pushing people away even though that’s not usually the intent, truth is I am so embarrassed of myself. I'm private, secretive and mysterious but I’ll also talk about my childhood trauma after like 5 minutes. I guess this says I’m happy to talk about my trauma because it's what I know and am comfortable with, I just struggle to tell anyone the real suicidal me behind my problems. I hate that I’m so young and feel like a dead person already.

I tend to act out or distance myself due to fear which isn’t clear at first if you know me, but does become obvious. I might appear as someone with no care in the world, like I’m unbothered, but I assure you that's the African pride combined with the Leo pride. I also don't want people to treat me like a footstool, which has happened when I’ve come off ass too passive. I care so much and over think absolutely everything, it's literally my only way of thinking. I have little to no self esteem and I have no clue who confidence is unless under the influence of something, be it weed, alcohol or psychedelics (which I don't take much of because I enjoy them and don't want to abuse them) I mean I can function sober, I don't even like to be out of control high or drunk, but as Chief Keef once said, I hate being sober. #i'mTrash4thereference. Although I’m not fully healed and functioning yet, I’m a developed character with both positive and negative traits. At the moment I’m going back and fourth between 'just stop trying' and 'you cant give up'. Sometimes depression is kind of like looking at yourself through a window, there’s this part of your brain that understands it'll pass, but you’re so far into despair that its impossible to see the way out, its a lot like being trapped. I am having a bad patch right now, the difference between this one and the last one is I’m more self aware with less of a desire to go on. At least I’m no longer suffering from paranoia and thinking everyone's out to get me all the time or that I’ll get trafficked walking home from somewhere, but depression and mania are so bloody invasive and there’s always that little voice in my head telling me ill never be good enough. Executive dysfunction kills my motivation because I have so many things to do and I cant pick anything to start first, it gets worse when my depression gets worse too. I'm not lonely though; I have a few people who care for me- and while I'm trying to not involve them in the metal episode, they are around to talk to and that means so much. My friends are super encouraging even though I've only briefly mentioned that I'm having a sad time right now, and that's awesome.

I hate that no matter how much better I get there's still this deep desire to get worse. I don't feel like a real person. I just feel like a collection of what people want me to be and various mental disorders. It would be so cool if I could admit to the world I have a personality disorder without feeling disgusting and without fear.

I've had plenty time to reflect upon every bit of thought that created the barbed wire surrounding my logical brain, I want to feel okay to be alive, but I so strongly just want to die. I am tired of fluctuating from feeling extremely vigorously suicidal to passively suicidal; where I just don't have the energy to carry it out myself. It's gotten way past the point that it doesn't matter what kind of day I have, I think about killing myself all day. Sleep is an escape from life and I'm always tired and wanting to 'sleep'. Deep down I feel like I’m waiting for the right time to end my life and it's not the right time yet because I still have a footprint to leave behind, I still have journal pages I want to burn. I cant just jump off the highest accessible building or mall car park I could find just yet- I don’t just want to ruin others by hurting them with my death. It's sad to think I grew into this mindset, waking up wishing I was dead.

Being abandoned by many people in the past made me doubt people and think everyone was out to get me or wanted something from me, it made me feel hurt and lone. So I felt it would be better to let people down before they could hurt me so I wouldn't repeat the same cycle when forming new connections. It wasn't intentional but I could just silence myself due to fear.

I just found myself feeling immensely hopeless, like I was too internally enraged at the external world to be able to trust anything of it. I definitely do want to get better because I’m tired of feeling this way, it's so exhausting and I hate pushing people away from me like I’m poison. I need to allow people to accept all of me.

Before picking up these coping mechanisms when I was younger and more insecure; I wanted to be a part of the world, I had this strong urge to fit in. I had to learn how to manage my anxiety and socialising became more exhausting stemming from my fear of being 'odd' or 'different', I didn’t want to be called out for being different- it was not a compliment at that age, it always felt like a being the joker in the card deck. I was intensely afraid of being judged or labelled as such. Being told I was a 'weirdo' didn't help at all, that type of criticism is what got to me the most. People made me feel like I needed to change, like I was too African, even in a joking manner it didn't help- because although I was okay with who I was, I did feel like I had to change and westernise myself to fit in. I ended up hanging around with people that didn't care, doing stupid things I didn’t even want to do, dating people I didn't connect with. Eventually I got tired of people using me for entertainment, tired of catering to those who refused to understand. I still have to admit there were many periods that I lowered my frequency to be on the wavelength of others that did not match mines at all, I hate that I'm someone who always feels the need to explain myself so people don't think I'm a bad person and even though I don't owe it to everyone and now I am able to make better choices and I'm no longer easily influenced, it still hurts that i was ever around people that made me feel like I was over exaggerating my mental health or uncomfortable to a point where I learned to downplay it or the mention of it. Now as a coping mechanism I’ve become so facetious and sarcastic about my trauma it's a struggle to take myself seriously at times. Users and abusers belittled me to such a point where I felt they'd underestimated my intelligence and most of all humiliated me. It made me tired of justifying myself so now most days I’m just a mute, but I really do finally have good people in my life who deserve some sort of explanation and it's a shame they don't get to be experience a truly present consistent me. It’s just after having the wrong eyes on me, I don’t want anything to see me. I hate attention because I’m so embarrassed of myself I don’t want to be noticed. People looking at me make me want to kill myself.

I've been told to move past my rage, to let go and become a grounded and level headed person. I've been told there is hope for all of us. Must be nice to believe that, all I could wonder was what it was like to get angry without getting homicidal and suicidal. Even on most days where nothing extreme would happen besides negative emotions, my brain still travelled to a dark realm. I've come to a point where I want to live in my daydream universe wile I physically rot away. That's my business. Sometimes I feel as though all my friendships are on a timer, or more so it's that my timer is about to go off, so I subconsciously shy away and make sure i have no deep friendships. Just in case my head decides to do something stupid.

I don't want to have no friends, I want to have friends and I do value friendships so much more than entitled relationships, I just have a difficulty maintaining friendships because it's exhausting for me, it takes a lot of energy to be social and on a level that isn't just superficial where I can just let go and allow myself to fully be. Sometimes I have a hard time relating to other people, and thus I may feel I don’t belong or don’t quite fit in- causing me to feel irritated, paranoid or even in pain during social situations. It's not always this bad, and I don't mean for it to sound dramatic. It's different when In person and I’m really relaxed and comfortable with the company. However virtually socialising and expressing will always be extremely anxiety enducing and its something I need to overcome especially going into this new phase of Artificial Intelligence.  So if I start to drift away it most likely isn't a reflection of you. The cycle goes I need alone time to recharge then I realise how long has passed and I just feel so bad I haven’t gotten back, I tell myself I’m an awful friend for dissociating for so long, and then I don’t know how to explain that so my anxiety rises, mood drops and I spiral back into a pit of depression, often wanting to relapse but refraining from doing so. Sometimes I manage to get out of the pit, but by then so much has piled up I don't know where or how to begin again.

I don't feel like I could have a normal friendship as well as romantic relationship. It's hard for me to long term imagine myself being fully relaxed enough to let my guard down and not reluctant to express. I don’t think there’s any condition where ill just be came and enjoy a connection without worrying that the other person isn’t putting in as much effort, or they have an image of me, or that I’ve amplified the emotions and even though I feel them that way do they really understand me or love me as much. Silence is so upsetting and I hate the fact I do it when I'm afraid of myself or don't feel good enough. I never intent for it to become 'the silent treatment' because in reality its not treating anyone, it's more a reflection of what I’m internalizing and not wanting or being unable to project and express those feelings without feeling like party pooper, an attention seeker or 'too deep'. I don't mean to give people false hope, I love the people in my life so much and every one I’ve met on this journey. I'm learning to look at life through a different lens and the people who contributed to my suffering will not be the definition of me. People have led me to believe so much and strung me along, not letting me go- and I realised those entitled controlling abusive relationships were not serving me. I couldn't keep doing it. Now even though I want closeness I end up pushing people away or leaving them in the dark because of fear, especially of something new because I've never experienced anything good and true for a long enough duration of time to rid me of that fear. I also have fear of rejection or hurting, I fear becoming too emotionally invested and becoming co dependant so I end up wanting to avoid the pain than actually wanting to experience the joy and growth the relationship could offer, so I end it before it begins to avoid any possible pain. I feel like I don't deserve these connections,and sometimes the depression runs so deep I have to push people away in case I want to do something stupid- I don’t want them to feel at fault, or obligated to be able to handle me. Sometimes I really can just only be with myself and my thoughts so I hide but it may appear that I’m pushing others away because of my isolation and neglect.

With everyone I know, I get this feeling that they're too good for me, their energy is so radiant and loving but I feel so broken and don’t want to depend on that. I've had perfectly ideal people come into my life and I feel they’re too good for me because I have a lot of work to do on myself first, primarily I need to build up confidence and self esteem because it's the root of most my issues. I want to relate to people, share our deepest fears and wishes without fear of judgement. It's not that I don't want to get better, I simply cannot remember what it was like to have an actual honest to god normal personality. The feeling of being a mentally unstable chameleon is all I have  now. I AM my illness, that's the only identifier I have left. I can't remember normality.

I understand that I’m lucky and I’m not ungrateful for the things and people I do have, it doesn’t mean that my life doesn’t suck because of those lucky things. I often think about if someone created technology to transfer life to another, I’d happily give them mine because they'd live it much better than me, I’m not worth anything to myself. I never wanted to be someone to cause pain on the people I love but now I do, even if that’s just through silence. I just disappear when I haven’t been doing well and  although I know things get better, recovery isn’t linear and that not all my days are bad, I just have extreme chronic feelings of emptiness.

I struggle to trust people because I don't want to be hurt but I need people so much, I hate feeling unloved. It's so overwhelming because I feel everything so extremely as if I’m going to explode.

My sense of self and reality feels destroyed, my future and dreams are uncertain and it's hard for me to move on, sometimes it scares me what I’m doing to people without the intention of it, being too much or not enough- or at least feeling that way. It's hard for me to give myself a reason and it's not on the people around me to fill my empty void, I hate forcing people to be my friend or understand my illness. I cant expect anyone to want to- it feels like I’m holding their hand while they pull it away; and even though it's not the case I feel awful, I constantly feel like I’m in a more pessimistic head space. I'm worried people will realise I'm as pathetic as I say I am.

[dajokahhh]

Alright, time for some pretentious sociological-esque rambling. This is gonna be long as hell (its 1822 words to be specific) and I don’t begrudge anyone for not having the patience to read my over-thought perspectives on a murder clown. CWs for: child abuse, 

I think a lot of things have to go wrong in someone’s life for them to decide to become a clown themed supervillain. A lot of people in Gotham have issues but they don’t become the Joker. I think that as a writer it’s an interesting topic to explore, and this is especially true for roleplaying where a character might be in different scenarios or universes. This isn’t some peer reviewed or researched essay, it’s more my own personal beliefs and perspectives as they affect my writing. I think villains, generally, reflect societal understandings or fears about the world around us. This is obviously going to mean villains shift a lot over time and the perspective of the writer. In my case, I’m a queer, fat, mentally ill (cluster B personality disorder specifically) woman-thing who holds some pretty socialist ideas and political perspectives. My educational background is in history and legal studies. This definitely impacts how I write this character, how I see crime and violence, and how my particular villains reflect my understandings of the society I live in. I want to get this stuff out of the way now so that my particular take on what a potential origin story of a version of the Joker could be makes more sense.

Additionally, these backstory factors I want to discuss aren’t meant to excuse someone’s behaviour, especially not the fucking Joker’s of all people. It’s merely meant to explain how a person (because as far as we know that’s all he is) could get to that point in a way that doesn’t blame only one factor or chalk it up to “this is just an evil person.” I don’t find that particularly compelling as a writer or an audience member, so I write villains differently. I also don’t find it to be particularly true in real life either. If you like that style of writing or see the Joker or other fictional villains in this way, that’s fine. I’m not here to convince anyone they’re wrong, especially not when it comes to people’s perspectives on the nature of evil or anything that lofty. Nobody has to agree with me, or even like my headcanons; they’re just here to express the very specific position I’m writing from. 

The first thing I wanna do is set up some terms. These aren’t academic or anything, but I want to use specific and consistent phrasing for this post. When it comes to the factors that screw up someone’s life significantly (and in some instances push people towards crime), I’ll split them into micro and macro factors. Micro factors are interpersonal and personal issues, so things like personality traits, personal beliefs, mental health, family history, where and how someone is raised, and individual relationships with the people around them. Macro factors are sociological and deal with systems of oppression, cultural or social trends/norms, political and legal restrictions and/or discrimination, etc. These two groups of factors interact, sometimes in a fashion that is causative and sometimes not, but they aren’t entirely separate and the line between what is a micro vs macro issue isn’t always fixed or clear.

We’ll start in and work out. For this character, the micro factors are what determine the specifics of his actions, demeanor, and aesthetic. I think the main reason he’s the Joker and not just some guy with a whole lot of issues is his world view combined with his personality. He has a very pessimistic worldview, one that is steeped in a very toxic form of individualism, cynicism, and misanthropy. His life experience tells him the world is a cold place where everyone is on their own. To him the world is not a moral place. He doesn’t think people in general have much value. He learned at a young age that his life had no value to others, and he has internalized that view and extrapolated it to the world at large; if his life didn’t matter and doesn’t matter, why would anyone else’s? This worldview, in the case of my specific Joker, comes from a childhood rife with abandonment, abuse, and marginalization. While I will say he is definitively queer (in terms fo gender expression and non conformity, and sexuality), I’m not terribly interested in giving specific diagnoses of any mental health issues. Those will be discussed more broadly and in terms of specific symptoms with relation to how they affect the Joker’s internal experience, and externalized behaviours.

His childhood was, to say the least, pretty fucked up. The details I do have for him are that he was surrendered at birth because his parents, for some reason, did not want to care for him or could not care for him; which it was, he isn’t sure. He grew up effectively orphaned, and ended up in the foster care system. He wasn’t very “adoptable”; he had behavioural issues, mostly violent behaviours towards authority figures and other children. He never exactly grew out of these either, and the older he got the harder it was to actually be adopted. His legal name was Baby Boy Doe for a number of years, but the name he would identify the most with is Jack. Eventually he took on the surname of one of his more stable foster families, becoming Jack Napier as far as the government was concerned. By the time he had that stability in his mid to late teens, however, most of the damage had already been done. In his younger years he was passed between foster families and government agencies, always a ward of the government, something that would follow him to his time in Arkham and Gotham’s city jails. Some of his foster families were decent, others were just okay, but some were physically and psychologically abusive. This abuse is part of what defines his worldview and causes him to see the world as inherently hostile and unjust. It also became one of the things that taught him that violence is how you solve problems, particularly when emotions run high. 

This was definitely a problem at school too; moving around a lot meant going to a lot of different schools. Always being the new student made him a target, and being poor, exhibiting increasingly apparent signs of some sort of mental illness or disorder, and being typically suspected as queer (even moreso as he got into high school) typically did more harm than good for him. He never got to stay anywhere long enough to form deep relationships, and even in the places where he did have more time to do that he often ended up isolated from his peers. He was often bullied, sometimes just verbally but often physically which got worse as he got older and was more easily read as queer. This is part of why he’s so good at combat and used to taking hits; he’s been doing it since he was a kid, and got a hell of a lot of practice at school. He would tend to group up with other kids like him, other outcasts or social rejects, which in some ways meant being around some pretty negative influences in terms of peers. A lot of his acquaintances were fine, but some were more... rebellious and ended up introducing Jack to things like drinking, smoking cigarettes, using recreational drugs, and most important to his backstory, to petty crimes like theft and vandalism, sometimes even physical fights. This is another micro factor in that maybe if he had different friends, or a different school experience individually, he might have avoided getting involved in criminal activities annd may have been able to avoid taking up the mantle of The Joker.

Then there’s how his adult life has reinforced these experiences and beliefs. Being institutionalized, dealing with police and jails, and losing what little support he had as a minor and foster child just reinforced his worldview and told him that being The Joker was the right thing to do, that he was correct in his actions and perspectives. Becoming The Joker was his birthday present to himself at age 18, how he ushered himself into adulthood, and I plan to make a post about that on its own. But the fact that he decided to determine this part of his identity so young means that this has defined how he sees himself as an adult. It’s one of the last micro factors (when in life he adopted this identity) that have gotten him so entrenched in his typical behaviours and self image.

As for macro factors, a lot of them have to do specifically with the failing of Gotham’s institutions. Someone like Bruce Wayne, for example, was also orphaned and also deals with trauma; the difference for the Joker is that he had no safety net to catch him when he fell (or rather, was dropped). Someone like Wayne could fall into the cushioning of wealth and the care of someone like Alfred, whereas the Joker (metaphorically) hit the pavement hard and alone. Someone like the Joker should never have become the Joker in the first place because the systems in place in Gotham should have seen every red flag and done something to intervene; this just didn’t happen for him, and not out of coincidence but because Gotham seems like a pretty corrupt place with a lot of systemic issues. Critically underfunded social services (healthcare, welfare, children & family services) that result in a lack of resources for the people who need them and critically underfunded schools that can’t offer extra curricular activities or solid educations that allow kids to stay occupied and develop life skills are probably the most directly influential macro factors that shaped Jack into someone who could resent people and the society around him so much that he’d lose all regard for it to the point of exacting violence against others. There’s also the reality of living in a violent culture, and in violent neighbourhoods exacerbated by poverty, poor policing or overpolicing, and being raised as a boy and then a young man with certain gendered expectations about violence but especially ideas/narratives that minimalize or excuse male violence (especially when it comes to bullying or violent peer-to-peer behaviour under the guise of ‘boys will be boys’). 

Beyond that, there’s the same basic prejudices and societal forces that affect so many people: classism, homphobia/queerphobia, (toxic) masculinity/masculine expectations, and ableism (specifically in regards to people who are mentally ill or otherwise neurodivergent) stand out as the primary factors. I’m touching on these broadly because if I were to talk about them all, they would probably need their own posts just to illustrate how they affect this character. But they definitely exist in Gotham if it’s anything like the real world, and I think it’s fair to extrapolate that these kinds of these exist in Gotham and would impact someone like The Joker with the background I’ve given him.

I have no idea how to end this so if you got this far, thank you for reading!

[kamalkantimage]

Arogyavardhani Vati – Uses, Functions And Therapeutic Benefits

Arogyavardhani Vati.

clad by the vernacular names Arogyavardhani gutika, Arogyavardhani rasa or Sarvroghar vati is a supernatural home grown cure utilized for treating a heap of sicknesses mostly of the heart, liver, stomach, digestive tract, nerve bladder, skin, teeth and gum.

The word 'arogya' implies 'great wellbeing' while 'vardhani' means 'improver', for example an ayurveda detailing that can totally kill illnesses and improve or advance great wellbeing.

Consistently, this home grown cure is generally referenced in the antiquated ayurvedic writings of Rasaratnasamucchaya for the treatment of kustha for example sickness and furthermore valued as Sarvarogaprashamani for example a solution for a wide range of sicknesses. It is additionally unequivocally pushed in the writings of Bhaishyajyaratnavali for treating yakritvikara for example liver issues. The comprehensive study of Ayurveda likewise guarantees the utilization of this strong drug for jaundice, skin diseases, fever, oedema, acid reflux and corpulence.

Arogyavardhani vati

Readiness Of Arogyavardhani Vati

Fixings:

2 pieces of each Triphala

a. Haritaki - Terminalia chebula organic product skin

b. Bibhitaki - Terminalia bellirica organic product skin

c. Bhumi Amalaki - Emblica officinalis organic product

3 pieces of Shilajatu (mineral pitch) - Asphaltum

4 pieces of Guggulu for example Indian bedelium (gum) - Commiphora mukul

4 pieces of Chitrakmool for example base of Indian leadwort - Plumbago zeylanica

22 pieces of Kutki - Picrorhiza kurroa

Juice concentrate of Nimba leaf (Neem) - Azadirachta indica (according to necessity)

1 piece of Shuddha Parada (natural sanitized mercury)

1 piece of Loha Bhasma (debris got from iron)

1 piece of Shuddha Gandhaka (natural decontaminated sulfur)

1 piece of Abhraka Bhasma (purged and handled mica)

1 piece of Tamra Bhasma (debris acquired from copper)

Starch (restricting operator)

Technique for arrangement

Technique:

The home grown fixings, for example kutki, chitramool and triphala are powdered and put away in isolated water/air proof vessel.

Shilajit and guggulu are refined through swedana measure utilizing triphala kwath.

New nimba patra swaras (for example neem leaf remove) is set up by granulating and pressing the leaves.

The home grown powders are blended in with the neem concentrate and exposed to the bhavana cycle (for example implantation of powder with liquid) for 3-4 hours.

The powder is then air dried at a temperature of 60°C.

Sanitized shilajit and Amritadi guggul are then blended in with the air-dried powder.

The metallic remains of loha, tamra, abhrak, parad and gandhaka are exposed to the mardana cycle (for example granulating) to get dhatukajjali (a compound of mercury)

All the above fixings are blended homogeneously in a blender.

Ultimately, the coupling specialist is added to hold the powder particles together.

Circular tablets or vatis are set up by moving them onto your palm or utilizing tablet making machine for extreme amount of blend.

Elements of vati

Restorative Benefits of the Ingredients:

Triphala:

It is a powdered blend of 3 powerful myrobalans in equivalent amount in particular amlaki, haritaki and bibhitaki. The powders when included any plan goes about as a powerful cure against a large group of maladies like blockage, weight, acid reflux, fart, jaundice, iron deficiency, asthma, throat contamination, hair issues and pyorrhea.

Shilajatu:

At the point when natural issue gets caught under layers of rocks more than many years and are exposed to extraordinary weight and temperature conditions, a thick clingy exudate is gotten which is profoundly plentiful in minerals like triterpenes, fulvic and humic corrosive. This rejuvenative cure is exceptionally fundamental for kidney stones, dysuria, phthisis, breathing issues, sickliness, epilepsy, heaps, oedema, mental failures and skin contaminations.

Guggulu:

This is a gum tar got from the bark concentrate of the mukul tree. The concentrate is then sanitized with triphala decoction to utilize it in different ayurvedic plans. It holds high importance in the treatment of cardiovascular issues, hypertension, weight, joint inflammation, and atherosclerosis.

Chitramool:

Chitramool is gotten from the sun-dried base of the Chitrak plant. The root extricate is incredibly basic in advancing processing, animating hunger and dealing with a large number of infections like stomach torment, anorexia, hemorrhoids, rhinitis, hack, sprue, liver issues, feminine issue and barrenness.

Kutki:

This incredible ayurvedic spice is profoundly successful in normalizing the tridoshas and has a katu rasa (for example severe sharp taste), consequently the name. The severe spice is useful for treating liver issues, stomach related problems, respiratory issues, skin diseases and furthermore disposes of poisons from the body.

Nimba:

The new neem leaf remove utilized in this detailing builds the restorative adequacy of the item. An amazing cancer prevention agent, neem remove disposes of free revolutionary from the body subsequently effectively partaking in treating intestinal worm pervasion, vision issues, acid reflux, ulcer, heart diseases, blood issue, liver issue, teeth and gum contamination.

Sanitized Metallic Ashes:

The metallic remains utilized in this plan are totally filtered through a progression of steps called sodhana (refinement), mardana (granulating) and swedana (disintegrating). These cinders are utilized for making the kajjali for example a combination of parad which is compelling in normalizing the tridoshas in the body. Among these different cinders, loha bhasma is profoundly compelling for treating liver issues, spleen issue, pallor, hernia and impotency while abhrak bhasma is utilized for treating extreme cerebral pain, dementia, Alzheimer's infection, epilepsy, vertigo and so on. Also, tamra bhasma is possibly helpful for acid reflux, nerve stones, liver and spleen development.

Starch:

This is utilized in an insignificant amount as a coupling specialist to hold the powdered particles together when defined into vatis or tablets.

Different advantages of arogyavardhani vati

Advantages and Therapeutic Uses:

Instilled with a large group of restoratively successful fixings, the ground-breaking ayurvedic plan is firmly upheld for its viability in a heap of diseases.

Powerful Digestive Stimulant:

Arogyavardhani vati is a brilliant stomach related definition. The counter pretentious property of this item lessens the development of gas in the wholesome waterway, along these lines diminishing fart, swelling and stomach distension. A higher centralization of the Kutki spice, makes this vati a strong starter, which builds hunger, decreases heartburn, animates better ingestion of supplements in the body and subsequently advances a sound stomach related framework.

Fixes Skin Diseases:

The plan is a mysterious solution for treating different skin contaminations. The bounty of triphala in this plan is exceptionally viable in eliminating the AMA poisons from the body. The mitigating and powerful pain relieving properties of this vati is very useful in treating skin break out and dermatitis. Being stacked with cell reinforcements, Arogyavardhani vati rummages free extremists from the body and its antipruritic nature lightens tingling sensation caused because of unfavorably susceptible conditions like psoriasis, dermatitis, skin inflammation, burn from the sun and so forth.

Advances Weight Loss:

Ordinary utilization of the vati improves body digestion and fixes liver illnesses, stomach issues and heftiness. The basic supplements in the plan satisfies the yearnings aches and forestall indulging and thus can assume a urgent part in one's weight reduction routine.

Treats Liver Problems:

Arogyavardhani vati having powerful mitigating and hostile to viral properties is very successful in dealing with different liver issues like hepatitis, jaundice and greasy liver. The cholagogue idea of the natural definition invigorates the emission of bile from the liver into the small digestive system and furthermore effectively takes an interest in cleaning out the unnecessary bile from the body before being assimilated, consequently lessening dangers of spleen and liver issues.

Fixes Heart Ailments:

Arogyavardhini vati goes about as a strong cardiovascular cure. It fortifies the heart muscles, improves the sarcoplasmic reticulum elements of the heart and limits arrhythmias. By managing the heart rhythms, it successfully decreases the danger of heart blocks, blood clusters, cardiovascular failures, ischemic cardiomyopathy, mitral spewing forth, and so on. It likewise lessens hypertension and monitors circulatory strain levels, This is best ayurvedic treatment for heart blockage.

[mcatmemoranda]

Approaching a Patient with Altered Mental Status: The Three D's

Dementia is a chronic confusional state that develops slowly, over months to years.

Delirium is an acute disturbance in consciousness and perception with an underlying medical etiology.

Depression is primarily a mood disorder but can present as confusion in older adults.

More about delirium

Delirium affects approximately 30% of hospitalized older adults who normally live in the community. This number rises to 65% among hospitalized older adults who are admitted from nursing homes. The incidence of delirium in patients admitted to the ICU is even higher.

The incidence of delirium in the hospital depends on both the baseline vulnerabilities of the patient and precipitating factors that occur during the hospitalization. For example, a patient who is highly functional and living independently in the community is much less likely to develop delirium than a patient who resides in a nursing home with dementia, even if the patient experiences the same acute changes, such as infection or new medications.

Risk Factors for Delirium

Baseline vulnerabilities that predispose an older adult to develop delirium during hospitalization can be categorized as follows:

Functional status prior to hospitalization:

-Advanced age (>65 years)

-Diminished activities of daily living

-Immobility

-Pain

-Sensory impairment (visual or hearing)

Cognitive impairment:

-Dementia

-Psychiatric disorder

-Sleep deprivation

Substance use disorders

Nutrition:

-Malnutrition

-Dehydration (which may present as a high BUN:creatinine ratio)

Other medical comorbidities:

-Co-morbid illness (e.g. chronic kidney disease, end stage liver disease)

-"High-risk" medication use

-Admission to the ICU

The Confusion Assessment Method (CAM) is a simple tool developed for hospitalized older adults to diagnose delirium and differentiate it from dementia and depression. For a diagnosis of delirium, the first two items and either the third or fourth item must be present. You can remember the four items of CAM by their first letters (A-I-D-A).

Assess item 1 with information from others. Nurses and family members are a good resource for this as they often spend more time at the bedside than we do.

Assess items 2, 3, and 4 when taking history.

Medications that act on the central nervous system (either directly or as a side effect) commonly cause delirium in older adults. These include:

-benzodiazepines (e.g. lorazepam)

-zolpidem

-opioids (e.g. morphine or hydrocodone)

-anticholinergics (e.g. promethazine, diphenhydramine, a.k.a. Benadryl)

-corticosteroids

Antihypertensives which act centrally, such as the alpha-2-agonist clonidine, can also cause sedation and delirium.

Some antibiotics, especially the fluoroquinolones (e.g. ciprofloxacin), cause delirium.

Hypoactive delirium, where patients tend to sleep more, tends to be overlooked, as opposed to hyperactive delirium, where patients are often disruptive.

Sequelae of Delirium

Patients who develop delirium in the hospital have a two-fold increase in their one-year mortality, independent of their underlying medical problems. They also require longer hospitalizations and are more likely to require institutionalization on discharge.

Although delirium often improves with treatment of the underlying cause, observational studies have found that a significant proportion (up to 31.6% in the study by McCusker, et al. cited below) of patients with hospital-acquired delirium have persistent symptoms at 6-12 months after discharge. These patients have also been found to be at higher risk for persistent cognitive impairment and development of dementia than similar hospitalized patients who do not develop delirium.

Patients with a hypoactive (decreased level of alertness) delirium are at increased risk for developing pressure ulcers, pulmonary emboli and aspiration pneumonia.

Patients with a hyperactive delirium may try to get out of bed unassisted, and barriers such as IV poles and urinary catheters may cause them to fall. This may result in injury, further lengthening their hospitalization and increasing the level of assistance they require on discharge. Multifaceted interventions can reduce the number of falls in hospitals. In a cluster randomized trial of over 10,000 patients, a fall prevention tool kit consisting of fall risk assessment, fall prevention plan, bed poster alert, and patient and family education resulted in a fall rate of 1.7% in the control group vs 1.3% in the intervention group (p=0.02, NNT 250).

Patients who are confused may not be able to reliably report their symptoms. Patients who are somnolent with their delirium may not eat properly or take their oral medications. Patients may remember their confusion and be frightened by it, causing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Family members may also become anxious when they perceive that their relative is "acting crazy."

A chemistry panel with electrolytes, glucose, and BUN/creatinine should be included when evaluating any patient with delirium because they will identify most electrolyte abnormalities (including hyper- and hyponatremia and hypercalcemia), renal failure, and hyper- or hypoglycemia. A CBC is also indicated to evaluate for inflammation, infection, or post-operative anemia, although it is important to recognize that older patients may have a normal white blood cell counts during an infection.

[liesonthefloordramatically]

@nomettesbizzareadventure told me she’d like to see my characterization points for Jotaro and Kakyoin so...here they are...  (You can see her much more eloquent characterization points for Rohan over here.)  I think this is less...canon meta (writing straight up meta is very intimidating to me) and more the cluster of things that I tend to focus on when writing the two of them.  It’s probably obvious, but the big things I focus on for characterization are 1. narration/dialogue quirks, 2. self-perception, and 3. interaction with others.  I also tend to find it useful to figure out narrative constraints imposed by characterization, but maybe that’s just because...I like...making writing more challenging???  Don’t worry about it.

Below a cut because this got absurdly long.

Jotaro (this is mainly SDC!Jotaro):

Perceives a lot, (correctly) interprets little: I really enjoy Jotaro as an unreliable narrator because he sees a lot of details (hypervigilance will do that to you, but so will having a hyperperceptive Stand) but compartmentalizes like wild and ignores details that he doesn’t understand, can’t figure out how to interpret, or just doesn’t want to think about.

Laconic: We all know that Jotaro is not very talkative, and there are a lot of different ways to interpret why that is, but I think it’s a question of A. his verbal skills not being great (and him knowing it) plus B. his brain-to-mouth filter being...way too strong.  You can tell it’s Queenie writing Jotaro if only about ⅓ of what he thinks actually comes out of his mouth (and when he does talk, he frequently overthinks it and it comes out sounding different than he wants it to).

Self-perception: Related to the last point, Jotaro’s aware of how other people perceive him (he’s a mixed race kid growing up in Japan in the 1970s and 1980s, so, uh) and has intentionally curated a public-facing persona.  Having people think that he’s this intense, edgy, scary loner is easier for him to deal with than them thinking he’s stupid or a huge dork or any number of other negative stereotypes.  There’s an extent to which his juvenile delinquent persona is because he thinks that’s how to be cool but there’s also an extent to which it’s about making himself less of an easy target.

Physical/visceral: I tend to think of and write Jotaro as a very physical  character (“you can only trust your fists,” I whisper into the void)--he occupies a lot of space; he has a Stand that attacks by punching (he’s the only member of the SDC crew who regularly attacks with his Stand’s body rather than a weapon, elemental attack, etc.); a lot of his strategy is based on just getting really close to his opponents and then beating the crap out of them; etc.  One of the rules I set for myself in writing Jotaro is that his narration has to be visceral--so, for example, almost all emotions he experiences are accompanied by or framed with a physical sensation.  Speaking of which…

Low emotional fluency: He’s not good at identifying/dealing with his own emotions or identifying/dealing with others’ emotions.  A lot of his strategy for dealing with his own emotions is either ignoring them or smothering them with anger (see: Joseph is dead --> time to get as mad as possible).  I think this is actually something that Jotaro gets worse at with time (because trauma can do that to some folks).

Smart/analytical: We know Jotaro’s a bit of a nerd, he’s a good enough scholar to make a name for himself in DIU and beyond, and consistently showcases his analytical skills in SDC.  I think Kakyoin is frequently written as “the smart one” in fanfic, but I think they’re both smart in different ways--Kakyoin has a good memory while Jotaro is good at gathering data and analyzing it (when he feels like doing so).

Stand: Jotaro sees Star Platinum as something separate from himself and maybe not entirely friendly.  (“Stands are spirit possession, or at least Jotaro understands them as such!” I scream futilely off the rooftops.)  This is another narrative constraint I decided on early on--Jotaro consistently refers to Star Platinum as though it’s a separate entity from himself.

Kakyoin:

Self-awareness: Kakyoin knows who he is and what he wants.  I imagine him as a foil to Jotaro--while Jotaro thinks that if he ignores an emotion hard enough he won’t be feeling it, Kakyoin is hyperaware of what he’s feeling.  This is sort of a double-edged sword for him, because I think he’s also aware of ways in which he’s different--he knows that a lot of bits of his personality are weird and unpalatable.  (Death 13 is fascinating if you think about it as...all of Kakyoin’s worst fears about being too weird/mentally ill for the group manifesting.)

Social flexibility/social skills: Like Jotaro, Kakyoin’s also aware of how others perceive him, but is much more socially flexible--Jotaro has the “juvenile delinquent” persona, but Kakyoin adapts himself to his conversational partner.  He’s a very different person depending on who he’s interacting with--the way he interacts with Jotaro is wildly different than how he interacts with Polnareff or Avdol or random passersby.  He’s relatively good at reading people--he certainly has an easier time reading Jotaro than most people around him.  I don’t think he’s actually that great at engaging with people beyond a superficial level (see: Kakyoin “Wikipedia moment” Noriaki), but he is good at superficial interactions.  I also think that he uses some of his social aptitude to try to disguise the bits of his personality that might be off-putting to other people (but stops putting in as much effort when he gets close enough to someone to feel like he can drop the facade).

Sharp: Kakyoin is mean, sadistic, and angry.  He can hold himself back (related to the first point, I think he is self-aware and has pretty decent self-control, which is why we never quite see him reach the levels of viciousness of fleshbud!Kakyoin), but at the end of the day, he is a kid who carries a knife on his person and kills every opponent he beats with the exception of the baby.  He has a very long fuse, but he does have a bad temper.  You won’t cut yourself with a knife if you know how to handle it, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t still sharp; Kakyoin is the same way.

Reserved: I think this point is frequently depicted as being shy or quiet in fanfic, but I think it’s more that he’s hesitant to share personal information or make himself intelligible (again, see earlier points).  The fact that more or less all of our knowledge of Kakyoin’s backstory is from narration rather than Kakyoin himself is telling.  He holds himself apart from other people--we know that he has pretty severe self-imposed isolation pre-canon.  Again, I think this is a double-edged sword!

Stand: Kakyoin sees Hierophant Green as an extension of himself, and uses his Stand as such.  A lot of the qualities that Hierophant Green embodies (flexibility, versatility, not outstandingly destructive but devastating if you know how to use it, etc.) are also qualities Kakyoin has.  I could write a lot more about this here, but I’ll leave it at that for now...

(eta: apparently folks who don’t follow me are seeing this so, hey, uh, here’s a link to my fic if you’re interested)

[legobiwan]

ok but obi wan turning sith during the war - what does the 212th do?? how shell-shocked would anakin be?? (which jedi win bets??)

Ah, apologies for the tardiness, this turned into a ficlet! 

——–

They had won.

Mace surveyed the ruined landscape. Iohopia’s lands had once been a rolling chaparral, undulating sandy hills spotted with clusters of green shrubbery poking up from the ground - stubborn plants well-adapted to the planet’s hot, dry summers and damp, mild winters.

Now it was nothing more than a flattened, beige plain tattooed with black ash, with the ugly outlines of fallen ships, weaponry, and clones. Smoke rose from a few persistent fires in the distance, the awful smell of burnt flesh mixing with the potent aroma of ship fuel in an unholy combination.

They had won.

But at what cost?

Iohopia had been secured, had not fallen to the Separatists. Objective achieved.  Mace frowned, uneasy. Even if he chose to ignore their catastrophic losses, the violence, the civilian casualties - it had been too neat, too easy.

And that was not how he operated. That was not the character of man he knew.

The man he thought he knew.

The Jedi fluttered his eyes closed, reaching out with the Force. Bloody, jagged edges of destruction cleaved at his body as the silent wails of the dead screamed in his ears. Mace jerked back, reaching out a hand to steady himself, his fingers grasping at something damp and slippery.

He glanced down. Vacant eyes stared back at him in horror. Mace recoiled, quickly wiping the blood from his hand, striding away from the crash site.

He did not look back at the bled-out body of Master Kiel’s Padawan. Could not look back, knowing who had been responsible for her death.

This was no battlefield. This was an apocalypse.

Mace rubbed his fingers together. They were sticky with death, with blood, with the life force of a young Jedi, who had not asked for this.

Bile rose from his throat before he could stop it, his abdomen spasming with each heave, again and again, until it was all he could do to keep from collapsing.

Dust and blood burned in Mace’s nostrils.

This had been no battle, no strategic foray.

This had been a message, etched in revenge and destruction.

———————

Anakin paced. The faster he walked, the faster he would come up with some kind of answer.

He stopped in front of the large window near the entrance to the bridge.

This was the thirtieth time he had passed this viewport, and nothing had changed.

Space. At one time he would have called it exciting. The stars, their light so bright against the unending darkness - the stars which had held the promise of the future, of freedom, of a life beyond his bondage on Tatooine.  

And now?

Anakin stared out the window.

Light was dark. Up was down. Droids were human, humans were droids and just what the kriff had given him the right to -

Bionic fist met durasteel wall with a thud. Anakin observed his own handiwork, momentarily detached from his outburst, as if he were looking at a set of crossed wires and not the dramatic evidence of his complete loss of composure.

He took a deep breath, extracting his hand from the newly-created crater in the ship’s wall.

The release of air was more of a sob than an exhale.

It wasn’t fair. He was the one who was supposed to fall, he was the one who had murdered the Sandpeople, he was the one who had married Padmé in secret, breaking every dictate of the Jedi Code.

The perfect Jedi. That’s was what Obi-wan was, what he was supposed to be. The one Anakin looked up to, idolized, rebelled against, detested. His pillar, the center of his moral universe, for good or ill. Obi-wan wasn’t allowed to change, not like this, never to become -

His legs turned gelatinous. Anakin slumped against the wall, head in his hands.

He was never supposed to become the portent of his nightmares.

And now Anakin had no foundation, no rock, no one to tie him to the Jedi Order save Ahsoka. And she could not take the burden of saving his soul - he would not allow it.

Never.

He clenched a fist.

Anakin would not drag Ahsoka down with him.

But what was he supposed to do now?

—————

The 212th was grounded, barred from any further combat operations and restricted to their base on Coruscant.

Cody sat in a waiting room. It was a sterile place, all white walls and bright lights. Waxer had walked out a minute ago - stalked out, to be more accurate, his brow furrowed in frustration, cursing under his breath. They hadn’t exchanged words, but one dark look was enough to give Cody the whole story.

Psychiatric evaluation.

Clones were bred to fight, to ultimately follow command, were conditioned to obey their Jedi leaders.

And now they were now dangerous, tainted.

When Pong Krell’s betrayal had been revealed, the 501st was taken off the front lines for two weeks, undergoing every form of mental evaluation at the disposal of both the Jedi and the Republic military leaders. After all, the clones had disobeyed the Jedi, had refused to cooperate with Krell (had done more than that, Cody knew, but that was a secret he would take to the grave, along with every other vod who knew what really happened that night).

The fear of a clone uprising, once whispered in the corridors of the Senate (and in a few hallways of the Jedi Temple), was now a frightening reality to many in the Republic. How many thousands of clones had been deployed throughout the galaxy, how few Jedi and Republic military were with them? Even with the Jedi’s legendary powers, it would not be enough to overcome an army of his brothers.

That was the first time the “Kill Switch” bill had been introduced into the Senate by Senator Piemal. Charming fellow, Cody thought. His entire look, which consisted of a long, red velvet robe and ostentatious pointed hat would only be improved with a vibroblade sticking out from his stomach.

Cody had not voiced this opinion.

Ironically, it was a Jedi who had saved the 501st from further investigation. After all, Pong Krell had only been a temporary commander to that legion, and had been issuing orders in direct conflict with what the Republic knew of Anakin Skywalker. General Skywalker would never act as Krell had, would never force clone against clone, even by mistake (the General was never that sloppy, never that free with clone lives to ever slip like that). And, thanks to some deft maneuvering by Senator Amidala and General Koon, that particular piece of legislation had been quickly buried, and the 501st restored to active duty.

But this time…this time it was different. This time there was no shadow leader to hide behind, no excuse of temporary command. The truth had been in the ruins of the battlefield, in the black-and-red clad man who had cut through clones and Jedi as if they were nothing at all.

The Holonet broadcast that had followed that particular slaughter dispelled any lingering doubts.

General Kenobi had turned, had become Sith, had joined Dooku in a righteous campaign to rid the galaxy of the Republic’s corruption, of the Jedi Order’s rot.

And every member of the 212th was now suspect in the eyes of the Republic.

This wasn’t like Krell, they said, this was Kenobi. Their commander, their leader. How long had this been festering in the former Jedi Master, what evils did he indoctrinate into his army? Would they turn in battle, would they join him?

As if the clones couldn’t think for themselves, as if they didn’t have their own opinions on General Kenobi’s defection, their own grief, their own rage.

Cody allowed his head to fall back, the bright ceiling lights shining in his eyes.

They think we’re just like droids - automatons, expendable, willing to obey any order that comes our way.

But that wasn’t true, the clones were sentient, they had ideas, personalities, opinions.

The problem was, Cody thought, what if Obi-wan was right?

——————

“I don’t want to be right, Master Unduli! But I think it’s something to consider.”

Adi Gallia crossed her arms with a huff. It wasn’t the Jedi way, letting her frustration get the better of her like this, but Luminara was being obdurate.

“Really, Master Gallia. Master Kenobi’s reputation is only eclipsed by his actions, which we all have been witness to, here and on the battlefield. The fact that you are even intimating that he might be compromised - “

Adi dropped her arms, voice rising. “I’m not saying he is compromised, I’m saying he has the capacity to be. The Council is demanding too much, spreading him in too many directions.”

“We are all being spread in too many directions, that is the necessity of this conflict.” Luminara folded her hands together, her face the perfect mask of a patient teacher humoring a stubborn Padawan. “Might I suggest you undertake some additional meditation, perhaps speak with Master Yoda about your concerns?”

I will not strangle Luminara, it is not the Jedi Way.

“And say what?” Adi demanded. “There are few enough of us on the Council who feel that matters are quickly unraveling beyond our control. Speaking with Master Yoda about a decision he has already made will not make him change his mind.”

“Then why are you speaking with me about it?”

All at once, the fight rushed from Adi Gallia. She sighed, allowing her posture to slump.

“Because,” Adi said quietly, “we need to look out for each other. I grew up with Obi-wan in the Temple, I know that he hides behind this screen of ‘perfect Jedi Master.’ There’s something off with him in the Force, even Master Plo has felt it.” She turned to Plo who only nodded, hands in front of his chest.

“You weren’t there, not on that day. There was a heated row between Master Jinn and Dooku, before he left the Order. I only heard parts of it, but Obi-wan was at the center of their argument.”

Adi let her gaze travel back to Luminara’s.

“Dooku wants him, Luminara, and he will use any means necessary to get what he wants.”

The Mirialan Jedi smiled softly, taking Adi’s hands in hers.

“Obi-wan is in no danger of falling to the Dark Side, Master Gallia.“ She glanced over at Plo Koon, who had remained silent, but observant. “I would even place a bet on it, if that behavior were acceptable within the Jedi Order.”

Adi grimaced, gripping Luminara’s hand tighter than she meant to.

“That is not a bet I would want to take, Master Unduli,” she whispered.

[hero-of-the-horn]

So I’ve seen a lot of speculation in the SkamEs fandom around the possible mental illnesses Joana might have and I wanted to weigh in a little from a psychology student’s perspective. I’ll try to keep it brief but I want to be thorough so sorry in advance if it’s lengthy.

Since the two main possibilities I’ve seen people list have been bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder I want to give a quick breakdown of each.

Spoiler: based off of diagnostic criteria alone, if Joana has a mental illness it is more likely BPD than bipolar disorder. 

Bipolar disorder: bipolar disorder is a mood disorder where a person experiences both manic (or hypomanic in bipolar II) episodes and depressive episodes. A manic episode must last at least 1 week (hypomanic 4 days) and depressive episodes 2 weeks. 

The diagnostic criteria (in DMS5) lists: presence/history of at least 1 depressive episode, at least 1 manic/hypomanic episode, significantly impaired functioning, and that the disorder doesn’t better fit criteria for another disorder.

Depressive episodes often consist of feeling worthless and indecisive, impaired physical functioning (disrupted sleep cycle, disrupted eating, lack of energy, feeling like daily tasks are insurmountably difficult to perform, etc.), and behavioral/emotional shutdown. 

Manic episodes consist of extreme pleasure in all activity, highly active/goal-oriented activity, rapid speech, and impaired normal functioning (sometimes resulting in hospitalization). (Hypomania is a less severe form of mania with better functioning and less euphoria.)

[Though we don’t yet know much about Joana at this point, the description of bipolar disorder doesn’t smoothly fit with the behaviors we’ve seen from Joana thus far. However borderline personality disorder is another story...]

Borderline personality disorder: BPD is a personality disorder rather than mood disorder. Personality disorders are sorted into clusters (A, B, & C) and BPD falls into cluster B characterized by dramatic, emotional, and erratic behaviors [sound a bit like someone we know?]. 

To trim BPD down to a simplified snapshot, this is what it can look like: turbulent relationships, impulsivity, fear of abandonment, lack of control of emotions, high intensity, instability (in emotions, relationships, self-imagine, and behavior - people with BPD are sometime described as stably unstable), feelings of emptiness, and difficulty with own identity.

Studies also suggest that BPD could be hereditary so if Joana has BPD, and based off of the comment from Joana about her mom being controlling, the show may also choose to depict Joana’s mother as suffering from BPD as well.

Addition side note: mood disorders are often common among people with BPD with about 20% experiencing major depression and about 40% experiencing bipolar disorder. 

Assuming the show is going with the mental illness plotline, my guess would be Joana has borderline personality disorder (with a possible side of major depressive disorder) rather than bipolar disorder. That said, I don’t know how well Skam writers research the mental illnesses they depict and we haven’t seen/learned enough about Joana to accurately try to diagnose her. However the behaviors we have seen in the show and from her instagram account point heavily toward BPD, whether that was the writers’ intention or not.