#redrage writing

[hatredmadeofgold]

Raiden most definitely has Anti-Social Personality Disorder

— An essay by a fan who also has ASPD

Side note by author: This essay will be updated in the future (a new post will be made). Hello, my name is R and I was diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder when I was 23 years old back in 2018. I also study in the field of psychology and medicine, so I know a thing or two about mental health. In this essay I want to elaborate why I think that Raiden doesn’t just suffer from (complex) PTSD but also Anti-Social Personality Disorder and I base this interpretation on canon evidence, research I did on the mental health of former child soldiers as well as my own experience with the disorder.

In the following text Anti-Social Personality Disorder will be shortened to ASPD.

What is Anti-Social Personality Disorder?

ASPD, also known as Dissocial Personality Disorder/DSPD in the ICD, formerly known under the name Psychopathy or Sociopathy, is a Cluster B (the ‘dramatic’ type) personality disorder known under the ICD-Code F60.2 or the DSM-V Code 301.7.

The reason why I will not call ASPD Socio- or Psychopathy in this essay is that these terms have been obsolete since the introduction of the DSM-IV in 1994, the disorders have been merged into one disorder as well as the fact that the ASPD community widely regards these terms as the equivalent of a slur (If you do not have the disorder yourself, do not, under any circumstances, use these words. There are words such as ‘asshole’ that describe shitty people better than you being downright ableist in your choice of words. Note that the subreddits r/aspd and r/sociopath are overrun by illness fakers and people who refuse to get better, they do not represent people with the disorder really well).

According to the DSM-V, ASPD is described as the following:

“A. A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviours, as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest,

2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure,

3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead,

4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults,

5. Reckless disregard for the safety of self or others,

6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behaviour or honour financial obligations,

7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalising having hurt, mistreated or stolen from another.

B. The individual is at least age 18.

C. There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.

D. The occurrence of antisocial behaviour is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.”

What the diagnostic criteria of ASPD does not list is that people with the disorder often times also have low affect, which is indicated by shallow, rather fleeting, inconsistent emotionality as well as a partial or complete lack of affective (emotional) empathy. This is likely caused by chronic emotional dissociation and is irreversible.

People with ASPD are capable of feeling every emotion, but the operative here is can, not will. Often times the emotional experience is reduced to feeling content, bored, apathetic and angry or irritated. Everything else is very much background noise that can be ignored with ease. Also people with ASPD are able to use cognitive (learned) empathy, but often times this is used to manipulate. Some people with ASPD are self-aware, either through diagnosis or life experience. It is possible to have a completely normal life with this disorder and people around the person with ASPD do not notice that they have anything at all, because we are pretty much capable of faking emotions very well thanks to great observational skills. However, this does not apply to every person with ASPD.

ASPD is caused by prolonged abuse, neglect and/or trauma in (early) childhood which likely involved heavy exposure to violence. Poverty is also linked to the likelihood of someone developing it. A genetic link is being researched but has yet to be proven to be able to cause this disorder without any of the aforementioned. The so called ‘warrior gene’ theory is pretty much bullshit, as it is argued that it can only appear in people of European ethnicity. This theory is pretty much racism at its finest and therefore anti-science.

Antisocial Behaviour in former Child Soldiers

“Anti-Social and Disruptive Behaviour

PTSD is also significantly associated with negative behaviour against an individual’s own family, the expression of anger and hostility to others, and self-harm (Burton, Foy, Bwanausi, Johnson, & Moore, 1994; Deykin, 1999; Deykin & Buka, 1997; Dodge, 1993; Dutton e al., 2006; Friedman & Schnurr, 1995; Golding, 1999; Joshi & O’Donnell, 2003; Lewis, 1992; Perry & Pollard, 1998). Research shows that former child soldiers have difficulties in controlling aggressive impulses and have little skills for handling life without violence. These children show on-going aggressiveness within their families and communities, even after relocation to their home villages (Wessels, 2006). In a qualitative study, Magambo and Lett (2004) reported that former child soldiers in northern Uganda mainly applied physical violence to resolve conflicts. Although the children sympathised with victims of violence, they could not even think of non-violent alternatives, reflecting an absence of adequate social skills.

Most former child soldiers have spent several critical years of their development in captivity, under the constant threat of abuse and manipulation by their commanders.

Most probably, this period affects the development of a personal and collective identity (Kanagaratnam, Raundalen, & Asbjornson, 2005). In general, children exposed to war and child soldiering show a strong identification with their own group (Gloeckner, 2007; Jensen & Shaw, 1993), and develop a worldview dominated by political and nationalistic categories (Feshbach, 1994). In the Gloeckner (2007) study, it emerged that the longer children had stayed in abduction, the stronger was their rebel-related collective identity. But it may be that their collective identification might occur post hoc after return to their home communities. Gloeckner explained that questions and discussions of family and community members about the cruelty of the LRA’s actions may activate a process of reasoning about what had happened. Former beliefs about ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ actions might clash with current ones, and in order to regain cognitive homeostasis, identification with the rebel group is aspired. Interestingly, this study showed a positive correlation between collective identification and reactive aggression (physical and verbal aggression and anger). In addition, Gloeckner (2007) reported that formerly abducted children with PTSD might be especially vulnerable to accepting simplistic models of ‘good versus bad’ – a black and white worldview, which is a known cognitive distortion. Although a rigid political view might be protective during exposure to war events, it might facilitate violent behaviour after returning from the fighting to individuals’ home communities.

Children living in conditions of political violence and war have been described as ‘growing up too soon’ and ‘losing their childhood’ (Boothby & Knudsen, 2000; UNICEF, 2005, 2006). Levels of conscience seemed to be significantly related to the severity of PTSD symptomatology, but also with negative schematisations of self and others and lower self-efficacy ratings (Goenjian et al., 1999; Joseph, Brewin, Yule, & Williams, 1993; Saigh, Mroueh, Zimmerman, & Fairbanks, 1995).“

- The Psychological Impact of Child Soldiering (by Elisabeth Schauer and Thomas Elbert)

“Behavioral Problems

Former child soldiers exposed to brutal episodes of war-related violence face a range of behavioral problems. In addition, post-conflict factors may contribute to varying degrees of vulnerability to adverse behavioral outcomes. According to Lev Vygotsky the child’s culture and community that he lives in largely affects his development. Vygotsky believed that important learning by the child occurs through social interaction.

For a number of years child soldiers spend time with adult militants under strict rules and regulations. The children were constantly exposed to hostile situations that had negative impact on their psychosocial wellbeing. The children’s thinking pattern and cognitive schemas changed in to more aggressive and violent direction. The children were indoctrinated to perform atrocities without asking questions. They witnessed the gloomy realties of war that made drastic changes in their behavior. The children who had committed atrocities in the past have high risk of developing conduct disorders or anti-social personality disorder and addiction problems if their mental health issues are not appropriately addressed.

In Nepal, Kohrt and his team in 2008 concluded that post-conflict factors such as stigma might contribute to adverse mental health outcomes. Former child soldiers in his sample showed significantly higher symptoms of depression and PTSD compared to matched controls even after adjusting for exposure to traumatic events. In 2010 the researcher Betancourt did a prospective study to investigate psychosocial adjustment in male and female former child soldiers in Sierra Leone using 156 male and female child soldiers. Over the 2-year period of follow-up, youth who had wounded or killed others during the war demonstrated increases in hostility. It has been reported that former child soldiers in Uganda had various behavioral problems and some of them were charged with anti-social activity after their demobilization. Over 70% of prisoners in the juvenile crime unit in the Gulu District, Uganda are former child soldiers, incarcerated on charges of rape, assault and theft.

Social relationships play a key role in child’s behavior as explained by the Psychologist Urie Bronfenbrenner. Nested interacting spheres of social relationships that determine individual behavior and well-being are the fundamental components of analysis in social ecology. When these children were abducted and kept in camps, they had no way of having healthy social relationships.”

- Psychosocial Problems Of Child Soldiers (by Professor Daya Somasundaram and Dr. Ruwan M. Jayatunge)

These to excerpts from two different essays on the mental health of former child soldiers speak for themselves. ASPD is also the only personality disorder that is associated with child soldiers.

Although Raiden had been in treatment when sent to the United States, it doesn’t seem that the treatment had been appropriate enough to prevent him from developing ASPD. It’s mentioned in the Metal Gear wiki that he had at least become ‘outwardly stable’, however, we can see from how he behaves in canon that he hasn’t processed any of his trauma whatsoever. To treat PTSD or any personality disorder, appropriate trauma therapy is required. This has obviously not been the case for him, as he’s incredibly mentally unstable and violent. Even the introduction of nanomachines in his body through the Patriots hasn’t prevented any of his behavioural problems although they did successfully suppress his memories of his trauma, as we learn in MGS2.

The way Raiden shows traits of ASPD

Shallow Affect and Lack of Empathy

Albeit Raiden is portrayed as an emotional person, his emotionality often consists of anger and aggressiveness, and he doesn’t seem to be particularly empathetic either.

In fact, his lack of empathy (and how he justifies his actions to himself) is even being called out by Jetstream Sam in the 4th chapter of Metal Gear Rising. He is also shown to have no reactions to allies dying (Emma Emmerich in MGS2 and Naomi Hunter in MGS4) and is just awkwardly standing there like a cardboard cut-out. While Snake doesn’t show or say anything in these scenes either, his stance is not awkward like Raiden’s.

Raiden is also often told to calm down by various characters throughout the franchise when he is reacting to things with anger or aggression to an almost inappropriate level and he never takes it well. Neither is he good with receiving criticism, and will verbally attack the person who criticised him.

Kevin Washington also calls him creepy for how Raiden describes the cyborgs he is killing like ‘walking vending machines’.

It is also said in the script of MGS2 that Raiden in general has trouble understanding other people’s feelings.

Failure to conform to social norms

“Companies like ours — yours — bend the law as they see fit. Why not bend it when it can save innocent lives?” — Raiden to Boris in MGR

The entire game of Metal Gear Rising basically encompasses this whole part of Raiden. He is seen to be breaking the law out of an emotional urge (which Blade Wolf comments on as well after the awakening of Jack the Ripper) because seeing the children in the lab in Guadalajara being turned into cyborgs against their will triggered him. We learn that he doesn’t act like this because he is some kind of hero protecting the weak (as he is always trying to tell everyone including the player for the first half of the game), he does this out of selfish reasons — to have a reason to kill. His morality is quite grey. Sure, he is on the side of the ‘good guys’ — but his methods are cruel, the style of an anti-hero.

“Not that much of a hero after all, right?” — Raiden to Blade Wolf after killing Monsoon

He shifts his morality as he sees fit — same as the companies he is criticising. Armstrong points out their “kindred spirits” as he is dying at the end of the game as well and we as a player understand that our enemy is right. To achieve our goals, we went overboard with everything and justified our violence — Raiden’s violence — with doing the ‘right’ thing.

Manipulation and Deceitfulness

“So it was artificial on my end too. It was just a game, not the real thing.”

Raiden says this to Rose after she confesses to him that she is a Patriot spy and it almost feels like a confession. The way he says it is very callous, unlike how he talked to her before (and he reverts back to his ‘usual’ self later on anyway), it feels like a ‘mask slip’ where he says what he truly feels. I think about this scene a lot and it makes me believe that Raiden did not truly love Rose until he actually lost her (MGS4). Basically ‘not recognising what you had until you lose it’. People with ASPD often get into relationships to get something out of it – be that getting rid of boredom, money or sex – and they go very far when it comes to faking emotions such as love. It is often said that we cannot love, but this isn’t true. Love to us is more of a conscious choice of committing to someone rather than an emotion and can be very mature when it’s honest. We are also very obsessive lovers, which can turn very toxic very fast if not self-aware and controlled.

Impulsivity and the failure to plan ahead

Stabbing himself to impale Vamp without thinking through that he is going to bleed out, quitting his job at Maverick without thinking through how he is going to pay his bills in the future and the entire ordeal that is the World Marshal incident are what I can list on top of my head where Raiden acts very impulsively.

Aggressiveness, Abusive and Violent Behaviour

In MGS2, Rose mentions that Raiden ‘raised his hand against her’ when she tried to enter his room. This translates to more than just a slap in the face (and even that is horrible behaviour when you are in a relationship) if we look further into Raiden’s behaviour across all the games in which he appears. In the same game we learn that Raiden genuinely enjoys murder. He asks Snake about it, horrified about himself, if he does the same which Snake denies.

In MGS4, Rose talks to Snake about Raiden and why they aren’t together anymore. She speaks about how he became a violent alcoholic (Substance Use Disorder is highly common in people with ASPD) as he was unable to cope with his traumatic memories resurfacing. She implies that he got into regular fights as well, saying so by mentioning that he came home covered in cuts and bruises. We don’t know for sure, but it is likely that Raiden also hit Rose as well but she doesn’t outright say it. She just states that she is scared of him.

“I am worried about him, of course, but… I am also afraid of him.” — Rose about Raiden in MGS4 If you look closely at the scene in which Snake mentions Raiden’s family in MGS4, you get a quick glimpse of Raiden trying to hit Snake — only to break down and fall to his knees, crying. His willingness to physically assault people who are close to him is another one of these signs that speak for ASPD in him.

“Resolving everything with violence, is that it, Raiden?” — Sam to Raiden in MGR

“Feasting on the insides of your enemies?” — Monsoon to Raiden in MGR

Both Sam and Monsoon call out Raiden for his violence in MGR and how he justifies his actions with ‘protecting the weak’ which we learn in the same chapter, is a load of bullshit. Raiden confesses that he fights for the pain he feels — or likely, the adrenaline rushes one gets from it — when being hurt in a fight, that protecting the weak was a lie he told himself to ‘keep himself in check’ and that he thought that he could live a normal life, with his friends and family having his back. However, this didn’t work out and he found himself back on the battlefield and we finally learn why and the reasons are just as shallow as the rest of him.

Reckless disregard of the safety of self or others

Raiden’s recklessness in MGS4 could also be read as suicidal ideation, which is also something a lot but not all people with ASPD experience. Impaling himself and cutting off his own limbs are things I would consider ‘reckless disregard for the safety of self’ as he does this without thinking things through. In his fight with Vamp he definitely didn’t want to die in the end, so I suspect this to be him not thinking things through (which he does a lot, acting on impulses). The same goes for his wish to walk through the microwaves instead of Snake (and god I wish he would’ve gone instead of Snake), which Snake points out is suicidal and that he has a whole life to live still.

In MGR, Raiden decides to eradicate World Marshal, the largest PMC in the universe at the time of the game, entirely by himself. He raids its Headquarters with total disregard for his own safety or that of others, as he is just ‘lucky’ that the parts of Denver he is getting through, are blocked off from the public. Raiden doesn’t harm civilians — but he doesn’t particularly care if they die either. We know he’s lying to himself about being the good guy. Although his team is unofficially supporting him, he has no backup in case something happens.

Consistent Irresponsibility

Raiden is shown to be consistently irresponsible. He doesn’t hold himself accountable for his actions by lying to himself about his morality and basically gaslighting himself and others about his behaviour. He doesn’t listen to work instructions — Kevin calling him out in the first chapter of MGR for it — and therefore fails missions. He is also shown to constantly argue with the colonel in MGS2, always trying to get out of the situation he is being put into and not taking responsibility.

Lack of Remorse

In MGS2 we learn that Raiden enjoys murder without feeling any particular hard feelings about it. He is terrified about the realisation but doesn’t feel any particular feelings of guilt for it. Neither does he ever mention that he regrets having physically or emotionally harmed Rose in any of the games he appears in (Rose has issues too — they both definitely act like nothing bad ever happened between them at the end of MGS4 and I wish them both a nice stay in the psych ward).

Raiden’s justification to kill in MGR is to ‘protect the weak’ which later turns out to be a complete lie he tells himself and others to seem like the good guy. He’s very much gaslighting himself into believing this throughout the game until Sam and Monsoon confront him about his behaviour and hypocrisy and Raiden drops the mask and reveals his true intentions: that he fights to feel pain in battle, because he gets high on it and that he very much enjoys murder.

“Who protects the weak from the man who ‘protects the weak’?” — Monsoon to Raiden in MGR

In MGR you can also cut off the clothes of civilians you saved. If you do so, your teammates call you out for it. Raiden then does half assed apologies for it, even laughs when being called a nasty creep. He genuinely finds it funny to apparently terrify innocent civilians and doesn’t show any remorse when being called out for it.

Summary

Looking back, Raiden does show many traits of a person with Anti-Social Personality Disorder throughout all the games in which he appears. Although MGR is a lot more “in-your-face” with it, the mainline games show him having those traits very much as well (to be diagnosed one must meet 3 out of 7 listed criteria points, so even if you regard MGR as non-canon, he would still meet the criteria from what we learn from the mainline games). The fact that a lot of former child soldiers struggle with this disorder as adults adds to my theory that he has it. I often see people argue that MGR was not the direction that they would like to see Raiden go and that he is too ‘brutal’. In my opinion, MGR was the more realistic ending for him. I have ASPD and I know that white picket fence home lives just don’t work for people like us. We grow so bored, we start to fuck up shit for ‘fun’ and ruin our lives that way or get addicted to drugs. Raiden choosing the battlefield, finally accepting who he really is (‘Jack the Ripper’), is the more realistic and healthier ending for him than him just lying to himself and being on edge all the time, potentially ruining his marriage that way in the span of a year or two. Love cannot heal extreme childhood trauma, sorry guys. And Raiden seriously needs therapy.

[hatredmadeofgold]

I worked months on this, please read and enjoy 🥰❤️

Guys, my #samuraiden fanfic “Sleepless in Denver” is now fully updated by @r3dr4g3 and chapter 12 is on its way. I encourage you to re-read the previous chapters (as if it is your first time reading it without comparing to previous version).

I hope you will enjoy this fanfic!

[redrageoused]

read your kerejean fic (suneater) and am actually obsessed with the way you write their relationship (and Kevin in general, like??? using Princess as an endearment??? HELLO??) like omg I was screaming into my pillow no joke 😭

THANK U !! theyre gonna be so cute when they get together i promise they call him princess all the time

(link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52603918/chapters/133059445)

[sentfromwolves]

🎵ON REPEAT : Tag Game🎵

thank you for tagging me in a game that is about to call me tf out, @awritingcaitlin LMAO can you tell I'm a writer with this playlist?

go to 'on repeat'/heavy rotation playlist on spotify/apple music, throw it on shuffle and share the first 10 songs you get

Yuri on ICE - Taro Umebayashi

You Say Run - Yuki Hayashi

Remember That Night - Sara Kays

Drain Arm - Tatsuya Kato (feat. Zinee)

Make Believe - J.T. Peterson

Dusk of War - Audiomachine

My Sails Are Set - Sonya Belousova, Giona Ostinelli, AURORA

Redrage - 2WEI

What You See - Tatsuya Kato

Chemtrails Over the Country Club - Lana Del Ray

Wild that the outliers were Lana Del Ray and that Sara Kays song LMAO KJDNFKJNDF

I'll go ahead and tag: @tananaphone @juls-writes @ryns-ramblings @astorichan @circuslollipop @ryns-ramblings @aowna and whoever else wants to go ahead and do this tag game ;w;c

[yaspup9000]

Five by Five tag📝

Tagged by @acustardduckling

Five Things I’ll always have in my bag/Purse

1.Money

2.Chapstick

3.Mechanical pencils

4. gloves

5. Earbuds

Five things in my room

1. my Phone

2. A bunch of toys in some boxes/baskets

3. lots of sketchbooks.

4.art supplies/art stuff

5. Space heater

Five things I wanted to do   

1. Go to Japan

2. getting a new laptop/photoshop extended(animation software) 

3. get a job

4. Get ready for college/find a good Collage

5. Go to Disneyworld/Land again

Five Things I’m Into Now

1. Katamari

2. Aggresstsuko

3. Kidcore/y2k aesthetic 

4. Neopets

5. Nature stuff

Five Things on my To-Do list

1. practice my Japanese

2. Write/continue my stories

3. Draw some stuff

4. think up stuff

5. Making some plans for future stuff

Tagging: @gummy-vitamin-gobbler @winter-wolf-pearl @redraging @robo-cami @jojothesplatoonnerd

[hatredmadeofgold]

Happy RaiRose and Sing to Me's Epilogue literally happens on this exact date today day! :D

Chapter 6 is out, thanks again to @gabrielultrakill-bigboobs for the beta 🙏

[hatredmadeofgold]

It's finally here, I am publishing my samuraiden fic Sing to Me. :)

Thanks to @gabrielultrakill-bigboobs (lmao ur nickname) for the beta reading.

[hatredmadeofgold]

Chapter 5 of Sing to Me is out! Thanks again @gabrielultrakill-bigboobs for the beta <3

[hatredmadeofgold]

Unfortunately not a new chapter but a current status update (same text as in the link):

Sorry, this isn’t Chapter 7 yet, but a status update and I will NOT abandon this don’t worry

Hey hello, Pulsar here. No worries, this fic not going on hiatus, I just felt bad that there’s radio silence and no new chapter update yet. Also, I had no idea how to reach many of my readers in any other way because my username until a few weeks ago didn’t match my handle anywhere else, but I’ll be linking to my social media at the end of this message.

I can assure you though, I will never abandon this project. My therapist pointed out to me that writing this helps me a lot with my own mental health and recovery, so basically, I must write this as if my life depends on it. /hj And honestly, I noticed that as well after he pointed it out, and recovery is my number one priority in life anyway, so. Hope that’s reassuring enough for you guys that this fic will be finished in full, including all the additional stories, even if it takes 5 years or longer than that. I am one of those people who stick to the same main interest/fandom for a decade.

Anyway, let’s get to the actual status update:

I absolutely underestimated how much work it takes to finish the script, originally I wanted to continue writing when the script for Arc 1 is finished but hahaha that’s unfortunately not how that’s going to work out and I hate having to make people wait for ages (I am not that patient myself), but I wanted to be transparent about the current writing process 😊

Chapter 7 will come out still this month (June 2023), and I am very sure that I can guarantee that. But I recently discovered that I misinterpreted some aspects of MGR itself while watching the Japanese dub out of curiosity, and I am not satisfied anymore with the 2nd version of my script as I already said when I published Chapter 6, which the first 4 chapters were based on. Hence, I will have to edit (almost) all of them, but thankfully it’s really minor changes and additions as well as some formatting, and none of these changes affects the story so far. But if you want to, you can read them again from the beginning once Chapter 7 goes online. I will delete this announcement then and move some of the info here to the author comment section at the end of Chapter 7. With the addition of the prequel I Come With Knives, Sam got an entire backstory now that did not exist in the 2nd version of the script and it affects the story very positively. It makes it a lot more complex, a lot more consistent and a lot more enjoyable for me to write and (hopefully) also a lot more enjoyable for you guys to read. The downside is, that with the 3rd version of the script, all the additional stories also came and the ‘lore’ of Sing to Me became very fucking massive – I am not joking when I say this is nearly as complex as the Solid series – and that makes the development of the script a little more ‘difficult’. I am not a perfectionist, but my brain is only satisfied when things make sense. I have 29 script files at this point and they will become even more (but at least it’s very organised). Not that I cannot handle it, but at this point I have a small development team who help me with research and discussing ideas, giving me feedback etc. I am just a tiny bit insane about this project but in the best way possible (One of my mutuals even joked that I am a fusion of Hideo Kojima and Rohan Kishibe when it comes to being an author lmao). Honestly, another reason I decided to rework my script is also the fact that it focused too much on Raiden and too little on Sam in the first and second versions. And I think there’s enough focus on Raiden already everywhere else (not that that’s a bad thing), but Sam deserves as much attention as Raiden does – and during the 3rd script development I was sometimes scared that it would now be imbalanced in the other direction, where the focus lies too much on Sam lol. But thankfully that didn’t happen, it’s pretty 50-50. Also, I am sure that even 75 chapters won’t come close to how long this fic will be, like, at this point I believe 100-125 chapters is more realistic but who the fuck knows. I know this is insane. I am enjoying every bit of it <3

Long story short, the two paragraphs above explain why I couldn’t get back to my insane writing speed from January in which I legit wrote 5 chapters in a single month yet. But hopefully, I might get that speed back as soon as I finished the preparations that need to be done for me to continue. However, I’ll also go back to vocational school sometime around August and I’ll have to see how I manage my studies and writing together. Also, dragonfly1212 asked me a while ago that due to the amount of research that I am doing for this story if I would share it eventually, and he’s got a point. My plan is to probably make a tumblr side blog where I will share all the lore over time, as well as reference sheets, character information, inspiration, etc. Drawings I commissioned as well as ‘fanart’, playlists, and fic updates. With the amount of detail and complexity this fic project has, a ‘wiki’ certainly would help I guess lol. Since it’s unrealistic for me to finish the entire Arc 1 script as fast as I’d like to, I will do this in smaller steps instead. As for now, I have nearly finished the fine-tuned scripts for Chapter 7 until Chapter 13, which will finalise the first smaller arc of Arc 1 :D Chapter 13 is probably going to be my next favourite one to write after Chapters 5 and 6, but the fine-tuned script for it is already 8 pages long and it doesn’t make sense to split it up because it would kill the tension if I were to do that. I hope that it will NOT be extremely long, but I am afraid I will have to ‘assault’ you guys with a chapter that’s going to be over 10k words long. Oh well, please don’t hate me. With Chapter 13 this fic will also officially move its rating from Mature to Explicit. If you’re somebody who does not like to read sexually explicit scenes though, I already decided that chapters with such scenes, first of all, will not solely consist of that alone, and secondly, I will also give a marking/note in the top author comment above such chapters where it starts and where it ends, so you can CTRL/Cmd + F and skip over those. I am not sure yet how, but I might use symbols for that as well, so it’s easier to skip, especially for those of you who prefer to read on mobile devices (I am one of those people myself). Also, it’s unlikely that there will be a lot of such scenes in this story anyway, at least in proportion to the length. I care a little bit more about the plot and the drama hahaha.

Community Discord Y/N? Additionally, I’ve been asked now by 3 different people if there’s a discord server about this fic. I didn’t think people would be so curious or interested in my creative work that people would ask if there’s a server lmao but honestly? If there’s enough interest, then I might make one – and please give me feedback if you’d be interested in joining such a community. In the case I might make a discord server though, it would not be exclusively about Samuraiden, Metal Gear or any ship or fandom in particular, and not just Sing to Me, although the main focus would still be on this project. I thought, if anything, it would be a small creative exchange between artists and authors or just people who enjoy reading this story and want to talk to me about it or others as well. This server then would also have an additional corner for you to share your own creative work, be that art, writing, or any other form of artistic expression, and it doesn’t have to be fandom-specific or fanwork at all, it can be original as well. I thought that I may also use such a server to help and support other authors and artists, and maybe give feedback on other people’s stuff when I have the time and energy to do so. Additionally, I could use that server to give updates on the progress of the fic overall, which is a lot better than inappropriately using AO3 like I am doing it right now. This will be the only time I will make an announcement like this anyway.

I’ve otherwise made such announcements already on my social media accounts before, but I haven’t had them linked in my AO3 profile until recently either. You can find me here: Twitter: R3DR4G3dotEXE tumblr: R3DR4G3 Instagram: R3DR4G3.exe Carrd: R3DR4G3 Discord ID: R3DR4G3#3952 (Yes, if you read my fic of course you can add me, I’d love to chat!) Anyway! Thanks for reading, I am sorry that this isn’t Chapter 7 yet and I hope to see you guys soon! ;^;

[hatredmadeofgold]

I've reached another level of insanity with my writing. Samuraiden has me in a fucking chokehold.

[hatredmadeofgold]

Chapter 3 of Sing to Me is out! :) Thanks always to @gabrielultrakill-bigboobs for the beta

[hatredmadeofgold]

Chapter 2 of Sing to Me is out! Thanks again for @gabrielultrakill-bigboobs for the beta read.

[hatredmadeofgold]

Almost forgot to post it again, chapter 4 is live :3 thanks again to @gabrielultrakill-bigboobs for the beta

[hatredmadeofgold]

BPD and ASPD are kind of two sides of the same coin. As I learned more about myself, I've started to surround myself with people with BPD because they somehow understand me yet are still so completely different.

I do like their emotional intensity. It's such a high contrast to the vast nothingness that is my own emotional experience. Theirs is a wild ocean with high waves and frequent storms. Mine resembles that of a desert, hot, empty and harsh.

Part of my healing process was to reach the shores of that ocean. To learn how to swim one must first overcome their fear of water. Especially when water was something as rare as the rains in my desert.

I want to learn how to swim in the emotional intensity that borderliners bring with themselves. As they do sometimes struggle to not drown themselves, they are used to water though. But right now I am still barely holding myself afloat, so I still struggle to go deep into the ocean.

I've made progress though. A year ago barely dipping my feet in actually scared me but as for now, I am making my first attempts to swim. And it's scary but sometimes it's feeling really good.

[hatredmadeofgold]

Update: I have 19 script files in this folder btw. And I know there will be even more.

I've reached another level of insanity with my writing. Samuraiden has me in a fucking chokehold.