#like its annoying bc the things im anxious about im not even afraid of. like rationally im all happy about it but my brain

[videoworm]

anxiety makes my brain go ouch ouch

[noodleshark]

Terror fam Headcannons 3

or i guess facts, since theyre my ocs now.

Raffi has an animal special interest

He has thought about what animals him and his family would be VERY IN DEPTH

Sori is awful with names

She named herself after her special interest(her name is sound in korean and her special interest is music)

She heard paru say the japanese word for friend before and picked up on it, you'll never guess what she came up with when yujin asked for a new name

When they get a cat, he names it the korean word for CAT

oh speaking of sori knowing korean: Raffi is Malaysian, Raine is brazilian, Yujin is british, sori's korean, obviously, and paru is japanese and british

Sori does not know shes korean

Raine can't spell in english and sori cant spell at all

Raffi likes bugs and refuses to wear bug spray. but then he'll get annoyed about being itchy from bites

During any holiday with fireworks he throws those popit things at raine's feet.

Raine would wear shoes in bed if paru didnt tell her she wont snuggle with her if she does that

Sori does that thing where sometimes if she wants to cuddle she'll just go inbetween those 2

one of the things from being a monster for a lil bit(design change pending), she can purr now!

When she was little she had a cat but she got seperated when she was 6

when raffi sees yujins eyes for the first time he just goes "harbor seal"

in july raine started to try to teach sori how to swim

Sori had an ED for a while so when one day he(nervously) asked raine to make something specific for one of their meals she was like "🥺 yeah of course!!!"

she always made them what they wanted when they asked for like 2 months

Along with the ED it also helped with sori's issues with control!!!

Oh related to the harbor seal comment: When Yujin saved sori from the bullies(name and lore change is an eventuality, those names are stand ins) she had a concussion and could see his eyes she was just like "kitty!!!"

Raine has seen multiple kids die from sicknesses so she gets very anxious when one of the others get sick

she usually can't sleep and just sits by their bed just to know they're still breathing

Yujin has a BIG sweet tooth

but he CANNOT handle sour stuff

whenever raffi has some sour candy he begs for some and raffi always warns him, yet yujin eats it anyways. everytime

When they have campfires together people switch out to sit with yujin because he's afraid of fire

Paru has picked up on some portugese from raine's flashbacks

she cant converse in the language though because its only stuff like "die" "died" "dead" "parents" "theyre dead" "im gonna die" "help (me)" "theyre gonna kill me"

Sori gets mobility aids when she's 11

Yujin likes outer space

he probably has a space blanket and telescope

Sori has a weighted blanket!

She puts it around herself when shes scared or upset about something that makes touch feel gross at the moment

Sori loves plushies and probably has the most cat plushies out of any animal or anything

She kept an orange cat plushie the broadcaster got when she was in the radio station with him

when raffi has flashbacks or freaks out really bad in a way that isnt a sensory meltdown, sori hides under a blanket or leaves the room so she wont freak him out more

one time she didnt, either it took her too long to realize what was happening or the first time it happened and he screamed as soon as he saw her

Raffi's worst sensory expirence is usually bright lights while Sori's is loud noises

Raine sometimes sings sori to sleep

When sori is cuddling with someone, espicially raine and paru but this also applies to yujin, it is SO hard for them to move bc they'll make a sleepy grumbly noise and also theyre baby, this is even worse during bad pain days

Raine eventually just started to carry sori around.

one time paru and raine had to have a serious conversation(about one of sori's traumas that paru just found out about and raine knew for a while) but sori was laying on paru's thigh so she just covered his ears

Yujin had a tough time transitioning to having his own room bc fears about being alone so he slowly adjusted by sleeping in sori's room a lot and slowly started to sleep in his more

Paru thinks that curly-afrotextured hair is fun to style to she likes to mess around with raine's

[jihyocentric]

lumi!! hi i hope ur doing well with ur classes starting up again, and that ur taking care <33

so many ppl talking abt pup!hyo omg i get so so happy when i see that!! its ur genius idea that u so graciously allowed me to put my 2 cents into in the beginning, i really do love the au so much though

but the last fill abt 2yeon fucking jihyo with nayeon being rough and jeongyeon soft was sooooo good ur too good at this im so serious. and jihyo just shouting "again!" when she got came in 😭😭 she's so precious i cant

and nayeon better be proud jihyo can last that long cause SHE DID THAT!!! she trained her to cum so many times, we talked abt that once a while ago...how time flies when ur talking abt pup!hyo

i love anxious little hyo that needs nayeon (and jeongyeon) around to feel comfortable, she would totally beg nayeon to wear one of her hoodies to the vet cause smelling like her makes her feel better, like she's safe and protected :((

jihyo biting them is actually the most realistic thing abt this bc the amount of videos we have of her biting jeongyeon is crazy but thats just how she shows love!!

and for belly rubs i think her leg would kick out bc it feels so good and maybe she's kicked 2yeon a few times but its ok bc she is so cute. and i can see nayeon taking advantage of her being so like. blissed out from the belly rubs that she cups her face and talks in that baby voice ppl do to dogs like: "who's the best girl? you are! yes you are! you're my best girl" while jihyo just grins and purrs cause shes!! so!! happy!! and oh my god that's the cutest idea i've ever had wow

jihyo: im not getting the ball thats just stupid

2yeon: *throws it*

jihyo, already getting up: well SOMEONE has to get it

PLEASE i imagine jihyo, short ass jihyo, trying (and failing) to peek over jeongyeons shoulder and being like an annoying sibling with the "whatre you doing? what is that thing? why does it look like that?" she is jeongyeon's pain in the butt (affectionate)

jihyo who falls asleep on the couch and wakes up in nayeon's bed and doesn't question it cause it smells like nayeon and nayeon is love and safety im gonna make myself get emotional hold up

pup!hyo is my favorite, ty for always writing abt her and just doing it so well. u are so talented lumi, its just incredible

-🐶

oh don't worry about sending asks! i love them. i won't answer the jichaeng ones atm because i'm not sure if i want to talk abt chaeyoung rn, but i saw them and i'm glad you liked my last non rq drabble, i wrote it thinking you'd like it! :)

and pup hyo learned so well 🥹 like she's so obedient to nayeon. she might be a brat at times but she's like 95% the best behaving pup ever and it's all on nayeon!! girlie took so much time and effort to deal with jihyo's eager ass

when she goes to the vet and jeongyeon drives, even if nayeon tries to make her sit safely and put on the seat belt, hyo will still go to her lap anyway with her tail between her legs bc she's afraid and anxious and she just wants nayeon 😭

now YES jihyo loves to bite jeongyeon for some reason. like is she tasty? i wanna know too! share with us!!

and for belly rubs i think her leg would kick out bc it feels so good and maybe she's kicked 2yeon a few times

YES. just yes. she can't control when she kicks them, they need to understand!! and abt the voice jihyo wouldn't even understand nayeon at first,, like i see jihyo getting really confused the first time nayeon does that, she'd be like "is it me?" "am i the best girl?" bc she isn't used to receiving affection at all and it just shocks her that someone loves her like nayeon does :(

jihyo: im not getting the ball thats just stupid 2yeon: *throws it* jihyo, already getting up: well SOMEONE has to get it

PLEASE you say i'm funny but this made me giggle HARD 😭 aww and jihyo is totally a pain in the butt but jeongyeon wouldn't change it for a thing 🥺 you're right, nayeon is love and safety, and so is jeongyeon!

(i didn't answer the other asks before everything went downhill bc there was /there is actually/ a lot in my inbox and i was going to answer them soon, but rn it's like i said in the first paragraph. thank you for passing by nonetheless anon, your asks always entertain me!)

[sparrowofsong]

Pass the happy! List 5 things that make you happy and send this to the last 10 people in your notifications.

Let’s see...

GMing my campaign

Doing the askblog for What a Nightmare!

People who comment on the things I make (especially the “essays”, that’s the good shit right there)

Listening to and singing Thomas Sanders songs

Seeing myself improve just in general

:D Twas nice to think about good things, thank!

[jaeminlore]

bros,,,,,,, i am,,,,,, so done ,,,,,,,,

[cinnamon-todd]

neutral - jason todd x f!reader

a//n: i was jus in a silly goofy mood... this has not been proofread, just felt like writing tbh. i will start being more descriptive with my tags and warnings bc I realize I am stupid for not doing so.

warnings: none?

summary: jason being a good friend to the reader, letting her rant about her love life but hey there's a surprise for her!!!!

"its hard, sometimes..." she mumbles quietly, barely audible to the man next to her.

they sit adjacent to each other on the swing set, a nice feature the Waynes had added to their backyard.

the weather today was neutral. not too cold, not too hot. it came surprisingly to the two adults as yesterday it was pouring rain, Gotham's usual weather. but today it was neutral. the wind blew strong enough to move their calloused hair, but not too strong to be distracting or irritating that they had to make their way back inside - it was neutral.

"i know, you've mentioned that like 10 times." his snarky comment made her look up in annoyance.

she was met with his playful smile, and she tried her best to bite her smile. "you just know how to push my buttons, todd."

"hey," he nudged her shoulder, "one bad date doesn't mean the rest of them will be bad."

"no," she huffs, "but i dont even wanna bother with it, its exhausting."

he nods, unsure what to say next. she took this as a cue to continue, "I am in no interest to look for it, yet I still have this urge to find it. I'm always disappointed when I find someone who is willing to try it, but..."

find the right words, why arent the right words coming to her, why is she stumped.

"but?"

"but im not sure. as much as I can say 'the right one will come along', I'm not even sure if I want the right one, or even yet, know if it'll ever come."

"yeah,"

"its just so confusing, conflicting, just downright annoying." she continued as her best friend listened attentively. "I'm just so on the fence about it all. somedays I can be all for love, other days I just don't want it at all."

"Understandable."

"is it?" she asks, facing the man once again. he studied her face, confused, afraid, unsure. "I feel like there's something wrong with me. why cant I at least try?".

it wasnt a question, she didn't expect a response, but as the good man Jason Todd was, he gave his honest opinion.

"well," he clears his throat, "maybe that's the thing."

she looks at the man with a quizzical look, encouraging him to continue.

"maybe the partner that you need is someone who understands all that. someone that can respect it, someone that knows it, and expects it."

she looks down at the bark that lays as a flooring for the mini playground. unsure where he was going with this, she knew Jason would always be honest with her, but sometimes its hard to listen to the truth.

"you are someone who is always on the fence, very indecisive." he continues, "you are someone who doesn't need to be guided, but does enjoy it when someone gives their opinion because lord knows your judgement isn't the best."

"Todd..." she says sternly.

"hold on, lemme finish..." he says, "its sounds like to me that you need someone who you are comfortable with, that you've known a long time. someone that has to be very patient with you."

she nods.

"you hate to rush into things, yet you are very last minute with most things." they chuckle at the truth. "but that's what makes you, you."

she smiles at the end of his ramble. she knew Todd was one with words, yet he did surprise her with this number. "Thanks, Todd."

"Im not done yet," he says causing her to look up confused, what more could he add?

"you need someone like me,"

"Tod-"

"you dont have to say anything right now," he cuts her off, "I just want you to know that I like you, a lot. I understand that you are someone who can feel very overwhelmed, anxious, and so many emotions."

"but i hope that you know," he takes a deep breath, "that I understand that."

[qingxinis]

time stop - hu tao x gn reader

hELLO!! im sorry i didnt really post anything here, ive been busy T-T anyways, theres a big lack of hu tao in this community, maybe its bc she was just released eheheh im finally a hu tao haver!! i hope yall get lucky with the pulls as well, hu tao is so cool…. anyways, i hope yall like this, im super uncreative with titles tbh 😭😭 and also, dont be afraid to request me!! i had a huge art block until today,,, then i read hu tao’s story and i was like I NEED TO WRITE SOMETHING

warnings: near death experience ig? but that’s it

word count: 720 

soulmate au; where time stops for a few seconds when you first touch your soulmate. 

gathering herbs was never an easy task, but it was necessary.

as a healer and a bubu pharmacy employee, it was quite normal. it came with the job, after all. so, here you were, walking around in the eerie abandoned village in wuwang hill. although it was daytime, the fog and darkness in the region made it hard to see things from a distance, making you walk around helplessly as you looked for some violetgrass. 

you didn’t particularly liked being here, but it was your job. the mysterious atmosphere made you quite scared, especially as you were completely alone, since qiqi went to mingyun village to gather her share of herbs. maybe if i had a soulmate, they could come with me, you thought. soulmates existed, but they weren’t quite that usual. maybe one in a hundred people had soulmates, at least in liyue. 

they said time stopped when you first touched your soulmate, quite literally. and that’s how you knew someone was your soulmate — you just had to touch them.

just thinking about it made your heart flutter. having a soulmate who could help you when you’re scared seemed like a good deal. this hill was scary, and the feeling of not being able to see things properly made you anxious. if anything were to appear, like a hilichurl, you knew it would be hard to defeat it. you were a healer, not a fighter. it simply wasn’t really something you liked or enjoyed, so you didn’t really try to learn anything beyond the basics.

you suddenly hear a noise, snapping you out of your thoughts. it was something moving in the grass, but it was too foggy for you to identify what it was. there was something nearby, and you knew it. you looked around, finally spotting a silhouette.

as you reached for your weapon, the silhouette disappeared. the next thing you knew, you were on the ground. 

you opened your eyes, whining in pain. now that it was closer to you, you could see it was a cryo whopperflower. you turned your head in fear and looked for your weapon, but it had been knocked out of your belt and was now laying on the ground, far away from you. even if you managed to get your weapon, it wouldn’t be of much use, since your hand and ankle hurt a lot from the fall.

as the whopperflower prepared itself for its next attack, you closed your eyes. is that it? you thought, the sudden realization hitting you. is this how i die?

suddenly, a warm breeze meets your skin. after a few seconds, you open your eyes, only to see the cryo whopperflower on the ground, defeated. you look around, finding a girl with brown hair with red tips.

she turned around to look at your frightened self, giving you a smile. she wore a hat with a symbol you knew you had seen before, and, as you digged through your mind to find out what it was, realization hit you. she was the director of the wangsheng funeral parlor, hu tao, as the hat indicated. you had heard of her, mostly from baizhu, who seemed to be always annoyed at the director’s persistence to give qiqi her final rest, but you had never really met her. 

“hey there! what were you doing wandering around wuwang hill? it can be quite the dangerous place, you know…” hu tao stopped her sentence, looking at your injured hand. 

she walked towards you, and then lowered herself, as if to check the injury.

“t-there’s no need to check, i’m a healer, i can just-” you said, holding your injured hand with your other hand, but stopped suddenly as she touched you.

a weird feeling made its way to your heart, and the wind seemed to stop blowing. hu tao felt that too, as you both looked around, only to find that everything was frozen in place. the grass, the leaves of the trees, even the animals in the area. you looked at hu tao, and she looked at you, both with widened eyes. 

and, as you looked into her crimson eyes, time seemed to be back to normal, just as fast as it froze. yet, you couldn’t notice a thing. 

you could only stare in surprise as she smiled softly.

“i’ve been waiting for you.”

[kazuwhora]

hi kc!! i saw that your requests are opened so is it okay if i ask for a matchup 👉🏼👈🏼 feel free to ignore this if not!!

i go by any pronouns and im an infp(i think) and my zodiac is cancer!! i would say that im much more on the introvert side but with close friends and family im much more extroverted. most of the things i do heavily depend on my mood? like if i feel happy on a certain day i’ll have no problem talking with strangers and if im feeling shitty then i would prefer being left alone. im someone who tries their best to make sure everyone around me has a positive image of me, i get highly anxious when i hear someone dislikes me for any particular reason. im also highly aware of the things i do because im insecure and im afraid of judgement jwjsnd. i get random bursts of energy like with friends one moment i’ll be acting like a total crackhead and the next i’ll be super quiet and tired since my social battery drains too quickly for my liking. im not one to open up about myself but i feel like i do talk a lot about what happens in my life to the point where i feel annoying lmao. i dont like they way i act sometimes? because i feel like im a very toxic person so i can be self critical. im kind of stubborn too like youre gonna have to give me a ten page essay on why i should not be doing a certain thing. im the type of person who always finishes what they started because i cant stand not completing a certain project or goal i end up hating myself jwns. oh im a very picky eater too and i have this tendency to chew on ice cubes eheh

uhmm as for interests i dont really have a fixed interest? because i lose interest in stuff really quickly but i do enjoy playing games, writing, drawing, daydreaming and sleeping. im tired 24/7 but when i sleep at like 4am in the morning. i used to do embroidery too but i mainly lost motivation to do it oops

my love language would be physical touch i love love love shit like holding hands and nice hugs esp when they swing your hands while holding them aaa but tbh all of the love languages appeal to me and i do a lil bit of all of them too

really what i look for is someone who can vibe with me since i do stupid crap but at the same time knows how to tone it down when my social battery runs out. as long as theyre funny, respectful and understanding, i’ll be falling head first for them😩

uhh and yeah thats about it!! im sorry if its too long and thank you sm if you do this love you <3

NOT ME READING THIS PANICKING THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT I DECIDED TO IGNORE IT LAFHLIURHGWUHG pls forgive me IM SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG

you sound very much like an infp and that's why I'm gonna say that your best match is honestly mikey and im not even saying this bc I know you love him IM SAYING IT BECAUSE IT MAKES SENSE and here is why

in cases where introverts get really burnt out sometimes by interactions, I almost ALWAYS scream intp because it just ??? works ?? mikey is an intp and by nature he's an ambivert. the type to really need someone to help reel him in and relax and not worry about being so social, the type to struggle with expressing his emotions and showing them, the type that NEEDS an infp to encourage that aspect of him. and between you two he's so self critical that experiencing your own self criticisms makes him frustrated and when he realizes that this is how you feel when he criticizes himself in the same way, he'll take a step back and re-evaluate how he goes about things. I think he's the type to really encourage you to tap into the nurturing sense of an infp, which in turn has an effect on how you view yourself and the role you play in people's lives. mikey knows this too, and that's why he's so grateful for your presence.

also physical touch?? mikey needs it. he'll pretend at first like he doesn't care and doesn't like being touched, but if you force him to cuddle he'll give in to his neediness and melt in your arms because really he never had anyone to just hug him and let him get lost in himself and the comfort of someone else. poor baby

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

i love arjuna the forest burner with three friends, hell i might be him (minus the literal tree burning). ooh sanjay is for shire the douchebag like villian in every telugu movie. all though would you consider sangamesh (jathi ratnalu reference) to be better?

instantly thinks of that tumblr post that calls the moon polyamorous. i love the moon too (wouldn’t say it’s sexy *looks pointedly at you*) even thought i’m technically somewhat named after the sun lol.

i would have wanted to be one of the fans (lucky fucks) but let’s be honest i would’ve choked so hard. kudos to them for pulling it off so well!!

also fuck youu, you’re already married to meeee (/j) *sobs loudly*

“i always knew this day would come” <\3

*read in dan’s voice from pinof*

(i guess here’s the second plot arc for that fanfic writer)

also yes phil literally looked like voldemort and the pop ups ads for other creators was a bit annoying.

our wedding pictures were so beautiful *sniffs* but THEY MEAN NOTHING ANYMORE (has an eliza hamilton moment and pretends to burn all the asks i’ve sent you)

idk i’m someone whose always liked having a plan, but being queer rlly decided to go and fuck all that up. it makes me so anxious and scared cause i’ve literally never came out to anyone irl and i don’t think i ever can (wow that got sad). i guess whatever happens happens and i’m in a relatively good place now so i’m just thankful :)

mwah! i love you so much!!

- indi <3

(also i wrote this during the day instead of working so hopefully it’s more coherent. although it might be even worse cause i wrote it in chunks when no one was looking. anyway, i love you. <3

sanjay is the friend who starts out the bestie and turns out to be working for the villain, only to die after the reveal happens. sangamesh is... no. um. no. no. speaking of jathi ratnalu though, the actress who plays chitti, faria abdullah, made an appearance on Dancee+ for a celebrity dance thing, and shes like. really good. shes really tall though, i was not expecting her to tower over everyone lol

excuse me the WHAT post?? moons valid and all but this is the first of heard of this, unless im dumb and forgot lol. sun names are always so cool, every language has such pretty sun names, but names like Surya and Ravi never struck my fancy. Aditya is also a cool one, but it feels a bit more feminine so its lower on the list. sorry for venting about names lmao

no but seriously, i ramble when im nervous so they wouldve had to cut out ten minutes of me going on a tangent about fuckin luca or flamingoes or something so yeah. i wish i couldve been there to tell him those things, but the phannies who were there said pretty much everything i wanted him to hear so its cool. they did everything so wonderfully and im glad it was them!!

may i introduce you to ✨ polyamory✨ (be honest would you not leave me for abigail thorn, holder of all hearts? thats what i thought) and also we never actually got married bc you.... yk........ burned down the venue? aha dont know if you REMEMBER but aha there wasnt a wedding to attend *clears throat pointedly*

preemptive divorce </3

yeah, @curldisease heres some inspo, some hurt/comfort and more angst for you, ill be expecting the fic at sun down /j

no but literally, at least voldemort had other features, poor phil was eyes and hair 😔 they did you wrong my buddy

girl 😭✋🏽 you already burned the venue, whats the album mean to me- *backtracks* i mean, aha, *turns into that guy from F2 who just says "anthega? anthega?" the whole time* (have you seen F2?)

no same, being queer just completely wrecked every plan i had, but yk, i know the future is bright (thanks phil) so its okay as long as im happy in the end! im glad youre in a good place, that makes me happy to hear!!

in other news, i started a writing blog!! im pretty excited about it (which is why im telling you, lol) but im afraid it might pressure me and ill quit, which is why im taking it as slow as i can, lmao. im looking forward to using it though, that way i know the people there only follow me for writing and not whatever nonsense ive got going on here.

mwah! i love you more <3

(honestly i cant tell, do whatever you want and im here for it! im literally just vibing, do whatever. love you <3) (also sorry i answered this so late lol, i thought i posted it but it was sitting in drafts)

[istheresomebodywhocanimagine]

Bang a Gong//Get It On (SMUT)

anonymous said: Hello! I LOVE your writing!! I was wondering if you could write something about Roger and reader where they're like roommates/friends and one day she accidentally walks in on Roger while he's playing with himself and some sexual tension starts to develop cause like holy fuck that was hot and Rog is like big or something idduno ❤️

(a/n: almost 6000 words so its a big boi i’m such a crackhead i added a little bit more to the request than asked bc I wanted to make it kinda funny hehe okay but it still follows the request don’t worry  ANYWAYS yall im a mess this week hbu? Listen to T-Rex’s Electric Warrior album thx)

It was late afternoon when you decided to head over to yours to continue your study session with Brian. He’d already graduated, but he had taken some of the same science courses as you, so he promised he’d help you in exchange for a warm, home-cooked meal that Roger had zero part in. Whether it was because he distrusted Roger’s cooking skills or fearing being poisoned since they’d been bickering more lately, you had no idea, but you did know one thing – Roger would most definitely be home at this time. He usually got home an hour or two before you, so he wouldn’t be expecting you and you were just hoping he wasn’t eating any of the food you were planning on making.

The sound of T-Rex’s newest album, Electric Warrior, greeted you when you opened the door to your shared flat, Brian directly behind you. Immediately, you zeroed in on the source, knowing that Roger was most likely listening to it in his room, and you wondering where he’d scrounged up the money for that as you sat your book bag down on the hallway floor, pulling your shoes off individually before sitting them next to the bag. Brian followed suit, grimacing at the loud volume of the gritty-sounding blues song that was playing out of Roger’s speakers.

“Rog?” you called out, making a futile attempt to get a response from him as the music overpowered your voice. When you heard nothing, you sighed and rolled your eyes. “He’s going to go fucking deaf before he even goes blind, I swear it.” Pulling your hair out of the bun you’d had it in for most of the day, you locked the door behind Brian before grabbing your book bag again, heading for the couch.

“Wonder if he can hear the record, maybe he needs to turn it up a bit,” Brian joked lamely, making you snort and shake your head at the attempt at a jab. Not his best work, but the message was clear. You decided it was probably a good idea for you to go ask him to turn it down – if Brian did the same, you imagined it would end about as well as any of their other interactions had recently – in flames.

Dropping your bag at the end of the couch, you heard Brian go into the kitchen for a glass of water while you headed down the hallway, the music becoming almost unbearably loud as you approached his slightly cracked door. You could just see into his room, his disheveled honey blonde hair visible as he had his back to you – the headboard of the bed was directly next to the door, since he was a big fan of the whole ‘run into the room and immediately flop on the bed’ movement. Not appearing to be doing much except for laying there, you rolled your eyes at the fact that he was asleep right now.

“Got your music loud enough?” you yelled teasingly, throwing open the door and almost screaming at what you walked in on. Roger had his trousers and briefs pushed down just a bit, and he’d unbuttoned them as much as he could, fully freeing his cock from any restraints. He was laying down on top of his duvet, at least before he realized you’d barged in, after which he’d scrambled to tuck himself back into his briefs before rolling over away from you and pulling his duvet with him. The frantic action caused him to fall off the bed, and he landed with a thud and a loud groan as he disappeared from your view for a moment.

Your jaw was practically to the floor as you stood there, in absolute shock at what had just happened. The music was still playing loudly, and you felt your cheeks burning with embarrassment as you tried to grapple with what you’d seen. After a moment, Roger’s head popped back up over the side of his bed, and he looked both pleasantly annoyed and humiliated as he stared at you, seeming twice as embarrassed as you were. “You said what about my music?”

The attempt to change the subject was a valiant effort in itself, but was lost on you as you pressed your hands to your cheeks, laughing in horror for a moment. “Shit, Roger, I’m- I meant to knock, but the door was open, so I-“

“You can turn down the music,” he interrupted, giving you a pointed look before glancing at the record player to your right. Still in a mild daze, you nodded and turned slowly, turning the music down as the lead singer’s voice barely whispered out ‘You’ve got the teeth of a hydra upon you, you’re dirty sweet and you’re my girl.’ That only made things far more awkward than they already were, Roger’s piercing blue stare upon you the entire time you moved. It felt so uncomfortable as the singer yelled out ‘Get it on, bang the gong, get it on!’ that you had to shut your eyes for a moment, then open them again and give Roger a strained smile.

“I’m making pasta and garlic bread. Bri is here.” With that, you nodded curtly and scurried out of the room, trying to mask the conflicting emotions on your face as you reemerged into the living room.

“Thank god he listens to you,” Brian remarked as you passed, going directly to the kitchen. “I think I would have gone mad if he hadn’t turned it down. The man’s an animal.”

You almost choked at the last part of his sentence, coughing to cover it up as you pulled out a pot to boil some noodles in. Your cheeks were still bright red as you moved along, boiling the water and grabbing ingredients to make alfredo while you tried to erase the image of Roger splayed out on his bed, in the middle of getting himself off.

For the moment you’d seen him in what he thought was alone time, his face was pleasantly void of emotion, in a state of bliss as he rested back against his pillows. He looked utterly relaxed, careless – and dare you say, enticing – as he played with himself, probably assuming you wouldn’t be home for several hours yet. So when that bliss had erased itself because of you, you felt a twinge of guilt. After all, who were you to deny him that pleasure?

And something else twinged inside of you too – envy? Desire? Something darker, deeper than you’d expected had blossomed in your stomach, which wasn’t new – Roger was by far the most attractive roommate you’d had, well, ever. But this time, it was overwhelming, and you had to shove it down until it was buried when you’d almost finished making the pasta and Roger sauntered into the living room, his eyes immediately on you through the doorway. There was a look on his face, a warning one, and he glanced at Brian before raising an eyebrow at you. You realized he was wondering whether Brian knew, so you shook your head and offered a small reassuring smile, returning to the pasta and letting out a breath you didn’t know you’d been holding.

“Oi, Roger, done destroying your eardrums?” Brian teased, Roger rolling his eyes as he started towards the kitchen, still lazily sauntering as if nothing had happened.

“Hello, Brian. Did you know I saw Chrissy today?” Roger remarked to Brian, seemingly offhanded, but you knew he was trying to push Brian’s buttons as he came to the refrigerator, opening it and pulling out a beer. “Talked to her about you, in fact. We had a nice conversation, sweet girl. A bit tame for my taste, but sweet.”

“Really?” Brian asked, trying to mask the anxious tone of voice he suddenly took on but failing miserably. You could hear him hop over the couch and make his way into the kitchen, Roger moving over to get plates down for the three of you as Brian attempted to nonchalantly lean against the doorway and cross his arms. “What did you tell her about me? Fred said he’s been talking me up, but who knows whether that means he’s telling her I’m smart or that I have a big cock.”

You stiffened a bit at that, almost imperceptibly, but Roger noticed. His blue eyes were picking you apart at the moment, noticing every movement, every subtle shift in your body language. He was nervous, afraid that you were going to slip up and say something about it, but you bit down on your lower lip before continuing to stir the pasta. God, speaking of big cocks, who knew Roger Taylor had one? Of all people, my fucking roommate. This is terrible, why am I thinking about this?

“I described you in terms that were positively glowing,” Roger schmoozed, and you turned down the heat to the pasta as you went to go throw in the garlic bread. “Which coincidentally is also how I’d like to see you in hell.”

“Oh, piss off,” Brian grumbled, giving him the middle finger before he went to get himself a beer from the fridge. Peering over your shoulder at the pasta, Brian gave you an appreciative pat on the head before he grabbed the bottle opener from the cupboard, tossing it to Roger once he’d opened his beer. “That looks fantastic, Y/N, you’ve outdone yourself.”

With that, he exited the kitchen, heading to the bathroom to wash up since your sink was full of dishes – Roger was on your case as soon as the door had closed. “Did you tell him? You better not have told him.”

“I- Fuck, I didn’t tell him, Rog, relax,” you stuttered, alarmed by how aggressive he was being all of a sudden. On top of being slightly turned on from how hung your roommate was, now you were trying to fend off even more excitement as he basically trapped you in the corner, his tightly-closed fist resting on the counter near you and making all of the veins in his slim forearm protrude. You finally moved your gaze up from his hand to his face, and he had a stormy look in his eyes, something impenetrable about the emotions flitting across his face. “I know he’d never let it rest if I told him.”

“Good.” With that, he pushed off the counter, giving you a once-over before he grabbed his beer off the counter and popped the top off, taking a drink. “We don’t speak of this, alright?”

“Obviously.” You nodded as you spoke, and he got himself a plate before helping himself to some of the pasta as you pulled the garlic bread out of the oven, your hands shaky. It didn’t go unnoticed by Roger, but he chose not to speak on it, instead just taking a piece of the bread carefully so he wouldn’t burn himself. He then tossed it on his plate, looked up at you, and raised his beer, tapping it to his temple before tipping it at you.

“Cheers.” With a smirk and a final nod, he exited the kitchen, leaving you to wonder what in the hell was going through his mind. He sauntered off the way he came, heading for his room with a sway to his step that hinted he wasn’t nearly as ashamed about what had happened as you’d thought.

And obviously, he wasn’t, because two days later, you walked in on almost the same exact thing.

This time, you were alone, and thank God you were, because Brian would have caught Roger first for sure. You walked into your apartment to find it pleasantly quiet – Roger was playing that same album, but at a reasonable level this time. So, you figured he’d probably be in his room again, and you were right. What you didn’t count on was for the door to be wide open this time, giving you a full display of almost the exact same thing all over again as you approached the doorway.

Roger was pretty much spread eagle again, propped up against his headboard this time – his eyes were closed, his head having fallen back in ecstasy as he stroked his cock at a lazy pace, his grip loose on himself. Long tendrils of blonde hair were splayed out haphazardly across the pillow, and he was just in his boxers and a button up this time, but the button up might as well have been off – it was completely open, displaying the way his chest rose and feel with each shaky breath he was taking.

You debated whether to say anything or not, but you figured you had to talk this out with him one way or another, so you cleared your throat and watched as Roger’s eye peeked open, looking directly at you in the doorway. A sigh left his lips as he grabbed a pillow, covering himself up while he climbed off of the other side of the bed, tucking himself in before turning back to you with a hand on his hip. He kept the pillow placed strategically in front of him, nodding. “Lovely afternoon, isn’t it?”

“Roger,” you replied in a knowing tone, raising an eyebrow as you stepped into his room. “We’ve got to talk about this. What in the hell is going on?”

“You’ve been coming home early,” he shrugged, still standing in that nonchalant pose that was completely disrupted by the pillow. Honestly, you were surprised he hadn’t kicked you out of his room yet. He was still clearly excited, his eyes completely fucked out from how close he’d gotten to his high, so it was a wonder that he was entertaining your conversation right now.

“Not that early!” you retorted, crossing your arms as you crawled onto his bed with a hesitant glance at where he’d just been sitting. Placing yourself near the end, you sat cross-legged facing him and patted the bed in front of you. “Come on, what’s really going on?”

He gave you an eye roll before he carefully crawled onto the bed, imitating your sitting position and keeping the pillow in the same place as he crossed his arms, almost avoiding your gaze. “I dunno,” he offered in a mumble, shrugging again and looking down at his bed as he pursed his lips.

“Roger, I’ve literally been your roommate for a year now. I figured I’d walk in on this sooner or later, but twice in a few days? Your sex drive is…”

“What?” he pried, his head snapping up so he was staring directly at you. “Horrifying? Excessive? Yeah, imagine being the one that wants to fuck like a rabbit. Isn’t fun, thank you very much.”

“No!” you laughed, sitting back and stretching your legs out as you propped yourself up on your hands, resting your head on your shoulder. “Lord knows I can’t speak much on excessive sex drives. You know how many times you’ve almost walked in on me?”

“No fucking way,” he countered, looking at you in disbelief as he uncrossed his arms. “You’re the biggest prude I know.”

“Was Brian not here two days ago, or?” you asked, giving him a questioning look. “Besides, I hide my escapades very well. You’re just unpracticed, is what it is. I’ve had loads of people over that you haven’t even seen – takes skill to hide them as well as I do.”

“You’re lying!” he laughed, looking you up and down for a moment. When you raised an eyebrow and remained as serious as could be, his face was quickly taken over by a look of amazement. “Y/N, a bigger whore than Roger Taylor? Now, that’s news.”

“God, why do you always talk about yourself in the third person? You’re so weird.” You shook your head and laughed as he shrugged, his eyes wandering over your legs for a moment before looking back up to you with an odd, queer look. “What?” you asked, cocking your head as he stared at you as if he’d just thought of the most genius idea in the world.

“Let’s fuck.”

You literally jolted at the statement, not expecting the suggestion at all. Sure, you found Roger hot, and there had been loads of sexual tension between the two of you before, but you chalked that up to just being on your end because you wanted to jump a lot of people’s bones. But with Roger, you guessed it had been sort of different. Never had you held back so much on your own desires – you’d screwed around with plenty of roommates before, but you didn’t want to this time. You wanted Roger around, as much as you hated to admit it. Having him as constant, tantalizing, out of reach eye candy was better than shagging him once and having to move out after things got awkward.

When you didn’t reply, he took the opportunity to continue. “No, I’m serious! Let’s do it. Why not?”

“Why not?” You almost had to laugh, and you closed your eyes as you tried to think rationally. Don’t fuck your roommate. That’s, like, roommate code number 1. “Roger, we’re roommates. I don’t think that’s very smart.”

“I think it’s a great idea,” he replied simply, his slim pink lips parted slightly as he stared at you, a mischievous look on his face. “You’re hot, I’m hot, we’re both horny. It’s a winning situation, really.”

“But what if it makes things awkward?” Roger looked introspective for a moment, mulling over the possible outcomes of what he was suggesting, then returned to his mischievous look.

“Never know if we don’t try.”

He had a point. You tilted your head to the side for a second, wondering to yourself if you were really doing to go through with this, but your body spoke for your mind anyways. “Fuck it,” you murmured, moving to your knees and crawling over to straddle him as he tossed the pillow to the side, meeting you with open arms. His arms snaked around your waist as you smashed your lips against his, taking his face in your hands before threading your hands into his hair. Kissing back eagerly, he pulled you flush against him, pressing your chest against his and digging his fingers into your back a bit.

When you took his lower lip between your teeth and tugged a bit, the sound of his groan set off alarms in your head. On one hand, you panicked because this was Roger, your roommate – this sound should never be coming out of his mouth because of you. But on the other hand, the sound of it was so delicious that you smiled widely as you held on to his lip, lingering for just a moment before you let go.

You were about to say some smartass remark when Roger gave you a wild look, cutting you off by diving straight back in for a open-mouthed kiss, his tongue expertly sliding into your mouth and tangling with yours for a moment before swirling around it. A small noise of pleased surprise emitted from the back of your throat, and Roger’s grip only got tighter on you in response.

After a minute or two of a hot and heavy makeout session to the background noise of T-Rex’s gritty glam rock sound, you felt Roger’s hands sneak under the back of your shirt, pushing it up as he went to unclasp a bra that he soon came to find out wasn’t there. “Ah, no bra? Very naughty,” he remarked, his voice breathy, but amused as he pulled away from the kiss for a moment, looking up at you with an undying smirk on his lips.

“You’re going to be one of those that narrates the entire thing, aren’t you?” you teased, pulling your shirt off over your head and tossing it to the side as Roger’s hands came up to rest on either side of your ribcage, his eyes darting between your breasts and your eyes as he shamelessly ogled at you.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” was his equally teasing reply, and you rolled your eyes playfully before starting to push his button up off, which he shrugged off and tossed in the same direction of your shirt. “Now,” he continued, wrapping your legs around his waist before skillfully flipping the two of you over – his hips pinned you to the bed immediately, and you almost gasped as you felt his clothed erection pressing against your thigh. “What d’you say we see if you’re consistent?” His large hands started to tug down your shorts, and he kneeled between your legs as he pulled them off, revealing – to no shock for either of you – that you were sans panties too. “Oh, Y/N,” he almost growled, watching fixedly as you spread your legs, now on full display for him.

“Spoiler: I am consistent.” He chuckled at your comment, only briefly, before he laid himself on his stomach, laying his cheek against the inside of your thigh before pressing a kiss there. This was followed by a series of kisses, each making you tingle with anticipation more and more, and by the time he’d worked his way up to your core, you were practically squirming.

Running your hand back into his hair, you gave it a gentle tug of encouragement as you watched him hook your legs up over his shoulders, giving you an impish grin. “Now don’t be too loud. Don’t want the neighbors to be calling in a noise complaint,” he murmured, and before you could quip something back his tongue was between your folds, licking a flat stripe up to your clit and making you gasp slightly at the sensation. Placing an open-mouthed kiss to your clit, he sucked just enough to make you shiver softly, your fingers curling up in his hair.

When you felt his left hand ghosting up the inside of your thigh, you giggled softly at the ticklish feeling it left behind, and he chuckled against your core, the vibration making you moan out his name in bliss. In moments, his fingers were in his mouth, briefly getting wetted down before he slid his index and middle finger into you, just testing the waters. But the feeling wasn’t enough, and you whined impatiently as he pumped his fingers in and out of you, his mouth leaving a small love bite on your thigh.

“More, Rog,” you urged, and you heard him make a pleasantly surprised noise before he inserted another finger, stretching you out more and making you hum in appreciation. “Fuck, yes, like that.”

He curled up his fingers as he moved his mouth back to your clit, sucking harder this time and sending all of your nerve endings into a frenzy as you moaned louder, not caring who heard. This man was a god to you right now, his fingers stimulating places you’d practically only heard about in legends. You thanked whatever gods there were that you’d let your common sense take a break on this one, because by the time Roger was crawling back up to hover over you, your face was flushed from pleasure. Splotches of red decorated your cheeks, contrasting with the blown-out pupils of your eyes, which watched him as he smirked down at you, maybe staring a bit too long.

“You going to fuck me or not?” you challenged, Roger laughing before crawling off the bed, easily pulling off his boxers and finally freeing his hard member once again. Openly staring, you realized you’d been correct in your observation that Roger was genuinely huge, and you could barely take your eyes off it as he grabbed a condom from his nightstand, crawling back on the bed as you sat up. He rolled the latex onto his cock slowly, eyeing you as you turned around and got on your hands and knees, peeking back over your shoulder at him and watching as he kneeled behind you, forcing his knee between your legs so he could spread them more. His broad hands came to a rest on your ass, giving the soft flesh a good squeeze before he looked up at you, thoroughly pleased with this whole situation.

“You sure you want to go through with this?” he asked, wrapping his hand around his cock and giving himself a few strokes as he ran the tip between your folds, eliciting something akin to a purr as he brushed up against your clit.

“Please, Roger,” you almost moaned, pressing your hips back eagerly and chewing on your lip. “Can’t just rile me up like this and then leave me hanging.”

“I mean, I could,” he taunted, pulling his hips back for a moment and sitting back on his heels as you whined in frustration, shooting him a nasty look over your shoulder. “I’m just joking, so impatient.” He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth as he gave you a toothy grin, rising again and lining himself up before pushing into you, just barely. “You just look so pretty when you beg.”

“You bastard, fuck me already!” You didn’t care if you were being impatient – and to be honest, the thought of you needing him was enough to make him a bit dizzy, but he ignored the hazy edges of his vision as he thrusted into you with a tameless grunt, sliding home quite easily and making you cry out in a mixture of surprise and lust.

Thoughts of how sore you were going to be later edged into your mind, but they were quickly overwhelmed by a wave of pleasure as Roger wasted no time in starting to move his hips. Barely giving you time to adjust, he filled you over and over, making your arms wobble a bit as you moved down to rest on your elbows, barely able to support your own weight. Roger’s hands found purchase on your hips, pulling your ass flush back against him with each thrust, and he couldn’t help but groan your name as the sound of slapping skin filled the room and the smell of sex joined it.  

“Oh, Jesus,” you breathed out, gathering the sheets of his bed in your hands and clenching your fingers around them tightly as you let your eyes flutter shut, your eyelids feeling heavy from lust. Roger was the same, his eyelids threatening to close with every passing second as the view he currently had was phenomenal. Moving one hand to your shoulder to gain more purchase, he thrusted again and somehow buried himself at an even more satisfying angle as he leaned over your body, suddenly rolling his hips agonizingly slow. He then moved his other hand to your jaw, then letting it come to rest on your throat. He applied no pressure as he did so, just letting his hand rest on your skin, but the presence of it and the thought of what would happen if he were to just press in on the sides slightly enough to make you moan. “You’re so big, Rog.”

“Yeah?” he replied, his eyes lighting up as your praise swirled around in his mind, boosting his ego and reinvigorating his big mouth – he was never one for being quiet, anyways. “Taking my cock so well. You like that?” A nod from you confirmed his question, and he let out a satisfied grunt as he pulled out for a moment, flipping you over onto your back and running his fingertips down the bare skin of your stomach. He marveled at how this perspective was even better, getting so distracted by the view that he had to remind himself after a moment that you were waiting for him to continue. Pushing back into you with a quiet groan, his swollen lips parted slightly as erratic breaths came and went, a light layer of sweat making his bangs stick to his forehead in places. But he looked unbelievably attractive like this, the sight of him towering over you as he went back to work on you making you reach down to grab his hand, returning it to your throat.

He caught his lower lip between his teeth as he looked down at you, thrusting at an irregular pace as he struggled to stave off his orgasm, which was rapidly approaching. As desperately as he wanted to make you come undone first, everything about you was threatening to pull him over the edge. The way you closed your hand around his wrist, daring him to choke you, the fierce, almost feral look on your face as you gazed up at him. You weren’t afraid of getting what you wanted, and right now, you wanted him to fuck you until you were seeing stars.

His fingers started to press against the side of your neck as he relentlessly fucked into you, your eyes closing as you relished in the dizzy feeling that it brought to your approach to your orgasm. And Roger noticed this blissful look on your face, the sight of it too much to take as he mumbled, “God, sorry love, I might have to tap out early if you keep on looking like that.”

You were too wrapped up in your own ecstasy to care much that Roger was close, but you paid attention enough to tap on his wrist, after which he released the pressure he’d had on your arteries, and you opened your eyes to look up at him, smiling impishly. “Just let go, Rog. Don’t apologize.”

Those words reassured him and kept his hips moving as he reached up, sliding his fingers into your mouth. He groaned in approval as you wetted them down, and he reluctantly retracted them before reaching down to press them against your clit, rubbing it in time with his thrusts and making you moan out his name lowly. The sound of his name leaving your lips pulled him past the point of no return, and he came as he let out a loud groan, followed by a string of curses, his hips stuttering and pushing into you erratically as he rode out his high.

Panting as he came down from his orgasm, he kept his fingers pressed against your clit, applying more pressure and circling them faster as he still thrusted into you, albeit a lot slower. But it didn’t matter too much if he kept going, because you were soon calling out his name as you came too, your orgasm rocking your body to the core and causing waves of pleasure to consume you. 

Roger kept his fingers on your clit as you rode out your high, the already-sensitive nub in overdrive as he crooned softly to you throughout your orgasm, murmuring words of encouragement. When you were done, you finally collapsed back against the bed, exhausted from the mind-blowing, absolutely out of pocket sex you’d just had with your roommate. God, your roommate. Things were about to get real messy.

Roger pulled out of you slowly, making you feel incredibly empty as he left the bed and the room, disposing of the condom in the bathroom before coming back with a wet washcloth, cleaning you off as you watched him quietly, your chest rising and falling with each breath and heart racing as you attempted to catch said breath. When he was done, he tossed the washcloth God knows where before he pulled his boxers on and grabbed his shirt from the floor, handing it to you. You pulled it on gratefully, starting to button it from the bottom up as he finally came to rest next to you. He was about to speak when something in the doorway just past your head caught his eye, making his expression sour.

You turned your head to find Brian awkwardly filling the doorframe, his mouth slightly agape at the sight of you, pretty much fully naked except for the small expanse of skin on your tummy that the bottom two buttons on Roger’s shirt covered. “Oh shit,” was all you could say, and Roger quickly moved his duvet over your lower half as you tugged his shirt to at least cover up your breasts.

But Brian had already seen everything, so the attempt was futile. “Hey, Brian, mind telling me why the fuck you’re in my room right now?” Roger asked irritably, thoroughly annoyed that the tall, curly-headed man was just standing there, gawking.

Realizing that he was being a royal moron, Brian quickly composed himself, but his voice was lightly and apprehensive as he spoke. “Roger, may I have a brief word with you? Out here?”

“Brief?” Roger repeated incredulously, looking at you before sighing and crawling over you to get out of his bed. “I suppose you could, Bri, but I highly doubt it.” Brian turned after a terse nod in your direction, heading down the hallway, and Roger took the opportunity to turn in the doorway, watching as you crawled out of bed too, your ass peeking out from the bottom of his shirt when you turned for a moment to smooth out the duvet. Chewing on his lower lip, he grabbed your arm as you passed, stopping you in your tracks and making you face him.

“Bri’s waiting for you,” you warned, but he took no heed of your words, using the collar of his shirt on you to pull you in for a quick, searing kiss that left you reeling as he pulled away.

“Sorry, had to.” He quickly reached around you to pinch your ass, and you raised your eyebrow in response, trying not to smile as the devastatingly gorgeous roommate of yours sent you a cheeky smile to match his next words. “We’re not done here. Don’t get dressed quite yet.”

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[death-himself]

enjoy my theories and me connecting dots that weren’t meant to be connected and also random notes

this is from my third time watching the new episode, including every single tiny detail i noticed because when it comes to theorizing i either dont do anything or go all out

also know that I am terrible at reading facial expressions so most of those parts are likely wrong

(under the cut because on google docs it said it was 7 pages long and i am afraid)

virgil looks automatically anxious and frustrated

logan stutters a lot after roman makes the "take off your glasses" joke and i cant tell if hes confused or if hes actually offended by that

what they all say the first time they yell at logan: virgil: "shut up before i shut you up" thomas: "WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH" patton: "hey now heeeyy nowww" slowly turning into song

thomas calls virgil "the purp man"

references to Sword and the stone? may refer to something?

second time they yell at logan: virgil: "i'm gonna prohibit your BREATHING if you keep this up" (damn virge calm down) thomas: "please stop please i really dont want to think about it" patton doesnt speak (im pretty sure)

virgil glances at thomas a lot

is it just me or around the time virgil says "we're going to talk about something else now" he starts to sound a lot like deceit? Especially with that "sure"

roman gets easily distracted

"of course you're not a chick. You're a metaphysical human being. A chick is a really ??? girl"

why does remus appear behind the TV?

patton notices remus when saying "evil" virgil notices remus when saying "show up" and his tempest tongue comes in

when roman get knocked out the first time virgil looks at thomas like hes frustrated or annoyed maybe he looks at thomas like that because he thought it was thomas that was to blame for him showing up? since he was the one to have those intrusive thoughts?

also why does remus smack roman with a morning star?

all dark sides wear eye shadow confirmed

also this disproves the theory that all dark sides have a more animalistic features, therefore proving the headcanon that deceit just puts on makeup to look like he has scales on his face because hes dramatic

virgil looks kind of scared right before the song starts

during the song: logan looks done with everything thomas looks scared virgil looks furious and maybe defensive (that snarl tho) patton looks confused

why is patton of all sides to be the one to puke out remus (that's probably not the weirdest line i've written)

Remus considers any creativity that isn't dirty or horrific (aka his stuff) to be dull or boring

I think the A-Z part of the song is a reference to this one song video about the ABCs of ways to die but i have no clue

Even early on in the song when logan says "It's fine" it shows that hes trying to sort this out and get to the problem, but Remus prevents him from continuing, then allows Pat and Virge to say their thoughts

ROMAN CALLS REMUS "BRO" 8 MINUTES IN

"recently a snake offered me a morsel from the tree of knowledge" reference to deceit but also adam and eve

one of deceit's hands is holding a gavel reference to SvS

also deceit wears a coat just sayin

"No longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you" this means that deceit really doesn't want thomas to lie to himself

why is deceit always the one with multiple arms when half his face is a snake? snakes dont have arms

Is remus holding up the mirror to thomas a reference to remus and roman basically being mirror images of each other?

Remus is SO PALE compared to thomas WHICH IS WEIRD CUZ THOMAS IS ALREADY REALLY PALE

I think remus is actually a lot smarter than he seems he knows how to manipulate thomas into believing hes a bad person by using religious topics and language, something that's been with thomas his whole life

also while remus is singing about hell he turns from normal to fully colored green, similar to all the other sides

Virgil looks so disturbed and frustrated after the song

"I'm really stupid right now" MOOD

when remus agrees with thomas that roman's his creativity he's just like "yeah...." SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS TO A T

Virgil and Remus argue like they know each other super well

Patton's so pure he doesn't even like to say "B-hole" precious dad

Remus uses words that have been said before to back himself up "Why do you want to stifle your own creativity, thomas?" 12 Days of Christmas: "We shouldn't stifle Roman's creative whimsy!" also all the other times roman's admitted to feeling ignored

Virgil's so uncomfortable he might have been afraid that remus would outright say that hes a dark side (bc honestly remus seems like the kind of guy to do that)

Why does remus like Jeffery Dommer so much?

also when remus turned his head to the side at about 10:30 the music matches and sounds like hes cracking his neck

Remus gets confused for a moment when Logan takes his "lot of good that did him!" seriously this seems to be a recurring theme throughout all the dark sides: them being confused by logan taking things literally You think I'm joking? I'm not Virgil early on gets frustrated that logan seems to "only take what he says literally" and I'm pretty sure I remember some time where deceit has to stop to process the fact that logan took one of his metaphors seriously

LOGAN IS A PSYCHOLOGY NERD AND WOULD LIKELY BE A PRETTY DECENT THERAPIST. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE MY MIND

Patton looks so scared when logan asks him to do the experiment. Hes like "what? what do you need me for? what's going on?"

virgil looks so tired and annoyed when he says "good save"

LOGAN GIVING OUT VALIDATION TO PATTON AND THEN LATER TO VIRGIL IS ADORABLE

wait does virgil blow at his bangs whenever he's really annoyed or anxious? because he did that in moving on part 2 while he was dealing with his panic attack in pattons room and then in this episode where he is clearly anxious throughout the whole thing

"No mommy I dont want the mashed potatoes" ROMAN HAS A MOM WHICH MEANS THAT REMUS HAS A MOM BUT WHO TF IS THEIR MOM

when thomas calls remus scary and he responds with that it sounds like a virgil problem Virgil glares at him so clearly defensive and angry remus just smiles like "yeah, i know whats going on"

virgil's the only one who doesnt suspect logan to be deceit when remus claims it

you know when everyone was creating theories about who romans counterpart would be and everyone was expecting them to be extremely elegant and suave? yeah, why the fuck did we think that? If the dark sides are like mirror images of the light sides, then of course remus would be this chaotic demon with literally no elegance whatsoever roman's the elegant, romantic, graceful prince, so of course whatever remus is would be his opposite

Cane and Abel - another biblical reference

also after remus says that virgil looks like hes confused or maybe just deep in thought about something

self-immolate means to set fire to yourself i had to look it up too remus literally wants thomas to strip, set himself on fire and play shake it off

despite all the biblical references reeling thomas in, remus is sooo bad at getting his point across "and then the baby...dies" "AND NO ONE SURVIVES"

a demented version of that "hallelujah" thing plays while hes talking about the baby bird and the airplane

"I am YOUR creativity" at that it flashes to Virgil, who looks like hes thinking about it. probably a sort of build-up to show how long virgil thinks about it before admitting that remus had a point

virgil looks so nervous when remus says that hes never been one to soften the truth

"why would you aspire to be so...boring?" (i feel like the word aspire there is important for some reason)

patton tries so hard to believe that thomas is a good person to the point where he ignores logic

THAT TURN TO LOGAN REMUS DOES IS SO FRICKIN TERRIFYING

it seems like both remus and deceit seem to understand that logan is the most dangerous for them remus threatens logan to try and get him to stop talking deceit chucks logan to the very back of the courtroom in SvS

"TURN INTO A GHOST" "TURN INTO THE HULK"

"I merely gave him a baby...AND A LARGE SHARP KNIFE" ME

"one of you is enough!" I wonder how that line affected Virgil? since it's possible that at this time he was already doubting whether or not hes really grown

PATTON LITERALLY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT REPRESSION IS

that voice-crack when virgil says "But what if he's lying?" That might show how he feels about lying and deceit a bit more. he might be terrified at the thought of being lied to

paranoid is definitely a really bad word to virgil and the others know it. virgil and patton turn to look at logan the moment he says it, and logan freezes for a moment to change it into something better

when both virge and remus say "but what about jeffery dommer" virgil just looks so scared, his eyes darting around as if his mind is racing, probably worried that he really hasnt grown

they keep referring back to "that can't be where the bar is"

Logan says "figuratively" to stop Remus

"I LOVE BEING GIVEN TWO D's AT ONCE"

Virgil looks so afraid that he's still the bad guy in this its so sad

both patton and virgil laugh at poop jokes they are 29— they are very mature adults

"I would never hide anything from you" *glances at virgil* I feel like that might have been the moment virgil realized he couldn't just hide him being a dark side much longer

THEY DON'T EVEN LOOKED SCARED WHEN REMUS SCREAMED THEY JUST LOOKED ANNOYED

as the vid goes on remus tries more and more to be noticed

why did logan ask virgil how thomas was feeling instead of patton? was it because he knew thomas was really anxious or because he felt like patton would claim that he was feeling fine?

while everyone's calming down during logan's lecture, virgil just seems to grow more and more anxious, since he knows that he'll probably have to tell thomas that hes a dark side

thomas and virgil STILL dont want to go to a therapist

virgil just looks so guilty when thomas decides to lie down on the couch

"It was just like old times" when remus says that patton and logan just look so mad that he would say that

after that logan glances up at virgil to see how he feels aww

VIRGIL'S SMILE WHEN ROMAN GETS BACK UP IS SO UNSURE YET SO HOPEFUL AT THE SAME TIME

everyone just looks so proud of logan awww

virgil sounds so lost when hes about to reveal himself

he never calls them "the dark sides", just "the others"

virgil looks on the verge of tears when he says "because i was one of them". it shows how much this affects him, and how terrified he is to tell thomas. this is even more terrifying to him than telling them his name, which was shown to be an important thing to him

and afterwards thomas just goes silent, and looks so lost and confused, maybe even betrayed. he clearly needed a moment to think before saying anything

then virgil shrugs and leaves, his eyes red and full of tears, probably too scared to stay any longer

once he leaves thomas just stares at the ground processing the information

i’m bad at theorizing and my thoughts are a mess rn so all of this is probably complete shit

[heavenlyexiled]

                                   britt’s long ass cheesy thank you post.

                                             200 FOLLOWERS! ! ! ! 

it’s been a wild couple of years to get this far. and i’m just, so grateful to have you all here. i know i post a lot ooc and it’s kinda spamming the dash most of the time, i apologize for that. i try not to be annoying, i just get so excited over things or want to apologize for lack of threads & shit. it’s weird, i’m weird and idk why you’re all still here.

i never really? expected to get this far? like, it’s crazy to think 200 of you follow me. ALTHOUGH. HALF OF THAT IS PORN BOTS. yeah, i see you bitches. y’all mvps because for some unknown reason you don’t unfollow. but i mean hey, welcome. mvps right there. HHJDGHHJFSGHHK

granted, the count goes from 200 to 199 which y’know. i don’t mind. y’all do you! but aNYWAY! thank you guys for following me. i’m so sorry that i don’t? interact with half of you. i want to so bad i just get so anxious but i’m trying to do better at reaching out! i love all of you and never expected so many of you to really? be down to interact with elizabeth! when i made her, i didn’t really think anyone would want to write with me because of how... “different” her story was. i was scared about having an oc tbh. i know some people don’t enjoy ocs, which si fine, their choice! respected! but i never thought i’d have this many followers who are CHILL AFFFFF!! ! ! ! i’ve thought about deleting elizabeth and to stop roleplaying all together but THANK GOD I DIDN’T!!! i’ve made some amazing friends here, people who are just overall sweethearts and make me smile whenever i see them on my dash!!! now it’s time for me to fuckin smother these kermits with L O V E! ! ! 

@antibuttons - OF COURSE PAIGE IS FIRST. paige, my love, my wife. MY BEST FRIEND!!! i don’t even know how long we’ve been friends now. but you can literally make me smile any fucking day. we’re on like some same fucking brain level shit. it’s terrifying how we’re in each other’s heads almost every time we talk. GET OUT! ! ! ! !  you help instill confidence in myself and my characters / portrayal of characters whenever i get so insecure i cry to u about it! !  !! i think you’re the only person I KNOW FOR A FACT won’t get annoyed by me and that i can talk about our characters with. like it doesn’t scare me to talk about it with you. other people? FUCKING TERRIFIED ! ! ! !  you’ve been here from day one of elizabeth’s blog. we met on my ellie ( from tlou ) blog and JUST BECAME BEST FRIENDS SO F A S T ! ! ! it’s crazy! and even though you hate asking me to do icons for you / draw things for you. I WILL STILL DO IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND YOU DESERVE THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD!  !! ! 

@rabbitsolver - MY OTHER W I F E ! !  ! ! ! you’ve also been around in the early days of liz back with her outlast verse! the outlast fandom really being the first fandom to actually welcome liz so openly! you welcomed her with arms wide and I FUCKIG LOVE YOU! i apologize for distancing myself from u, i just get anxious and unsure when to message you / what to talk about! BUT YOU. ARE. AN. ABSOLUTE. FUCKING. ANGEL AND I WOULD KILL 500000 PEOPLE FOR YOU!!!! you’ve been so kind to me and have made me laugh so many times i HAVE SCREENSHOTS TO REMEMBER WHAT MAKES ME LAUGH JHSDHJFSJHHDGHHFD

@ennobledsinner -  Z A A A A F F F  F F F ! ! !  ! sorry if u didnt wanna be tagged in this, too late ur in it, beech. HFHGDHKFGKH I LOVE YOU! we only met this year and i think like?? a month agao?? CANT REMEMBER TBH but i know we haven’t known each other long, but i’d actually take the blame if u murder someone. im r e a d y. you are like??? the tru mvp here. you send in memes and like, i knwo it takes me 84 years to actually fcukin write them but YOU’RE NOT AFRAID TO KICK MY DOORS DOWN WITH THEM! and! you’re so open and willing to ship with liz! i never really get the chance to ship with ehr because i don’t want people to feel uncomfortable ;;;; i got like paige and a few other  people for liz having a romantic ship with muses  but not a lot! and i’m always so scared to ask! but you wERE SO WILLING AND DOWN AND I ACTUALLY CRY WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT IT! you’re so sweet and your writing is something that i genuinely haven’t seen much of, style-wise i mean! it’s so good and like reading a book! detailed and written more like a drabble between two muses and like!?!?! IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL! i’m crying. you’re so sweet and genuine and like i’m very grateful for you sticking around uwu, i hope our friendship continues to grow BC LIKE!?!?!? I L O V E Y O U ! ! ! !  SO MUCH!!!

there’s so many more of you guys to thank, i don’t want to spam y’all however, so just please know that all of you mean so much to me. i’m very awkward with my words but just understand that even if i didnt write soemthing its bc i’m also very tired and want to get this out before i got back down to 199 again JHDFSHJGDH BUT I DO APPRECIATE SO MANY OF YOU! this is such an unorganized fucking thank you post. BUT!

thank you for 200 followers!

[kae-karo]

Katie I’m about to fly completely on my own for the first time this Friday and I’m pretty anxious about it. Do you have any advise you could give me about flying/the airport/packing/anything really? Thank you in advance :S x

hi b! ooooookay wow finally the 38 flights i went on last year will come in handy!

packing:

okay traveling by yourself if you’ve never done it before won’t necessarily impact your packing - just be sure that if you have a small carry-on bag that you don’t have any liquids over 2.5oz and remember that like. if you forget something, a lot of hotels (if that’s where you’re staying) will have stuff you can use for free, just ask them. worst case they usually have some stuff you can buy but most places are like really nice. if you’re staying with friends/family, just ask if you forgot something!

most people usually do like a carry-on bag and a checked bag, but just do whatever you normally do, and then make sure your carry-on has your id/passport, your phone, a charger for said phone, your wallet, any meds you have or anything you can’t go for the entire flight without, and then something to do on the plane (book, game, laptop, tablet, etc)

my necessities: phone, wallet, passport if i’m going international, keys cause i usually have to get back in my house after lmao, laptop, chargers for laptop and phone, a portable charger, headphones

here’s the hard tip: acknowledge that you probably will forget something. i literally travel almost every month of the year and i forget one thing every time. but it’s gonna be okay. as long as you have your id/passport/wallet and phone, things will be okay

before you travel:

okay so i have the apps for like all the major airlines and i usually try to check myself in right when i’m allowed to (24hr before). if you’re on southwest, set yourself a reminder so you can check in exactly 24hr before the flight and make sure you get a decent boarding number cause they do it on first come first serve

otherwise, just check in and save a screenshot of your boarding pass to your phone. i usually just do everything with the boarding pass in the app or saved to my photos but you can get a paper copy at the airport as well, and don’t stress if you lose it or w.e once you’re past security cause the gate attendants can print a new one (or you can just use the mobile)

oh the other thing here is you can sometimes choose a different seat whilst checking in? so if you see the one that’s assigned to you and you Don’t Like It, see if any others are available that you might prefer. i always go for the closest aisle seat to the front when traveling alone

and ofc you’ll want to make sure you have some kind of plan for once you arrive at your destination for how you’ll be getting wherever you’re going - taxi, uber, ride from friend/fam, public transport, whatever, just kind of have an idea what you need to do so you’re not stressing once you land

this one is one that doesn’t apply to me, but definitely something to check and look into if needed: if you have any special requirements or needs whilst in the airport or flying, ie wheelchairs or special accommodations or w.e, make sure you know what you have to do when you arrive

leaving for the airport:

okay first and foremost, depending on your airport, you’ll want to be sure you arrive at least 1.5hr early (this is like my personal rule of thumb bc i usually fly in and out of moderately large airports and i have Massive Paranoia about traveling for some reason?? even though i take like 12+ trips a year? but most places require no less than 40ish minutes ahead of time, that’s like super tight though i do Not recommend) - keep in mind like. traffic and stuff, if you’re going to the airport during rush hour or w.e make time for that

if you’re not familiar with your airport and like getting in (bc there’s usually a massive amount of like exits and ‘turn here for this’ sort of things) talk to someone who is familiar with it or like. google maps it ahead of time and street view walk yourself through it, whatever you need to do to feel comfy so if you’re the one driving, you know where to go to park/etc. if you’re ubering or having someone drop you off, just be sure you know which airline you’re on as they’ll drop you off in the right place

checking in:

okay if you’re already checked in and you don’t have a checked bag, you can head straight to security, but if you do need to check your bag, use the kiosks they’re always faster and you don’t have to wait in line. it’s pretty self-explanatory, usually, just enter the identifying info and it’ll probably note that you’re already checked in and just say you have a bag to check. you can also print a physical boarding pass here if you want. the kiosk will print out your luggage tag and just follow the instructions to attach it to the bag. there’ll be like a drop off point (they’re usually p well-labeled) up by the actual people at desks so just head up there and have your id/passport and boarding pass ready cause they’ll want to check them

security:

okay 9 times out of 10 you probably will Not have tsa precheck but if you do, it’ll be somewhere on your boarding pass and you should look for/ask someone about the nearest tsa precheck line. it’s just convenient, cause you don’t have to remove laptops or take your shoes off and it’s usually the shortest line

if you don’t have tsa precheck, just find the nearest (and shortest) security line and have your id and boarding pass ready. if you’re using a mobile boarding pass, lock your screen rotation if you’ll be using the picture you took instead of the app (this is the most annoying thing lmao i’ve done it too many times and usually just try to use the app when i can cause it’ll lock the rotation and go full brightness automatically). then you’ll have to put the phone on the lil scanner and it’ll beep when it’s scanned and done

now, again, if you have any special needs whilst going through security, you’re probably familiar with what you’d have to do if it differs from the standard procedure, but otherwise just go through as you normally would

between security and boarding:

do whatever u want basically. get food, if you need it or if you think you’ll need it whilst on the flight. drinks are usually hella expensive so i try to bring my refillable water bottle (empty!) and then refill once i’m past security

basically how you spend this time is totally up to you. i usually grab food as needed then go chill by my gate, if it’s an airport i’m familiar with and i know how long it’ll take to get wherever i need to go, but you may be more comfy just finding your gate first and then sticking nearby to get anything you need. also i’m a big fan of the charging areas which a lot of airports have now, so if u wanna charge up i recommend

boarding:

every airline is different but there’ll usually be some kind of boarding group or order listed on your boarding pass, so just keep that in mind (ie american has like,,,,6 boarding groups? united has 9, southwest has their whole a/b/c groups, etc etc etc i think one even has like a 2a 2b or something idk that might’ve been in the uk but just look on your boarding pass) if you’re confused or w.e don’t be afraid to ask one of the gate attendants that stand at the front

basically nothing here is all that different if you’re alone, just pay attention when they start boarding and listen for your group, same rule of thumb goes with turning your phone on screen-rotation lock when you go to scan your boarding pass (if it’s the mobile pic you saved)

the goal here with boarding is to go as quickly as you can, but don’t stress if it takes you a second to get in your row! it’s okay, people aren’t as in a rush as they seem. definitely try to fit ur stuff under your seat cause otherwise it’s a pain to get up and get it from the overhead bins

the flight:

honestly just sit back relax and do whatever u normally do! usually there’s no reason this would be any different when traveling alone. aside from sitting near strangers which is annoying sometimes but in my experience if u pop some headphones in everyone leaves u alone

after the flight:

i mean generally just head out into the airport u landed in and look for baggage claim signs - regardless of whether u checked a bag or not, most ground transport out of the airport is near the baggage claim. so just follow signs (and generally the people leaving the plane) and make your way there. if you get lost, again, don’t feel bad abt asking someone to point you in the right direction

if u have a bag, most places have a display board that says which baggage claim you’re at (if they didn’t announce it on the plane when you landed) and you can wait there

once ur done, depending on your mode of transport out, you can follow signs! many of the bigger airports now have designated sections for rideshares like uber and lyft as well 

i hope that helps b! you’ll be fine, don’t stress too much :) i hope you’re traveling for a good/fun reason at least!

[scarlethallow160]

work-related rant

i started getting full hours again and with the raises we got this month it really works out bc next semester i wont be able to work as much with going back to school (since the class im taking this semester is fully online) and even tho im more tired from having to work so much im glad to have the money

but now thanks to this fuckin weirdass creepy man i have so much anxiety going to work now. the first time it happened months ago when he would randomly say hi to me and i was like wtf cuz i definitely dont know him but kinda ignored it, and then it happened again like a few weeks/months after that but i was busy doing my job so i didnt acknowledge him.... and then last week i was going down an aisle picking out items and i didnt see who it was and thought it was a regular customer trying to pass thru, but no its that fucking creep who deliberately followed me down and wouldnt leave me alone until i said hi to him? but then like the next day, he was fucking there again and i was going to take my cart back to the curbside area, but he literally blocked me off saying hi over and over until i had to fucking interact with him and i’m getting SO fucking sick of it. i was off yesterday so i didnt have to worry about it, but all today i was anxious going thru the store doing my job, and when i thought i was in the clear his stupid annoying ass was there AGAIN going out of his way to make sure i noticed him like-

leave me the fuck alone you piece of shit? i dont fucking know you i dont give a rat’s ass if ur a “customer” quit being a goddamn creep!!! and he’s got to be in his like 50s and im not a teenager but i still look pretty young (i dont mean that in a braggy way, ppl still mistake me for high school age so the fact that he keeps trying to talk to me is.....really gross) im so fucking sick of it and im so sick of being anxious the entire time im at work now thinking im gonna have to see that freak, and since he’s been there practically every day the past couple of days i’ve been there it just completely fucking kills my mood and makes me feel sick that this stupid annoying asshole is making it a mission to harass me?

ive been “polite” to him bc obviously if i try to ignore him he pursues me and im afraid he’s gonna...get even more persistent or even aggressive, but of course i fucking hate feeling like i “have” to be nice out of fear when he makes me SUPER uncomfortable and is forcing me at this point to acknowledge him. it was really annoying at best when it happened like....once every couple of months, but he’s literally been there consistently the last couple of days i’ve been at work and i’m so fucking sick of it. something happened where one of my younger female co-workers quit a while back because of a creepy dude working in another department, and the store leaders claimed they “couldnt do anything about it” so she left, so i’m afraid they’re gonna basically tell me the same thing? especially because i need this job right now... i’m going to talk to my manager about it when im back to work on monday and hopefully they can like...ban him from the store or something, and i guess if all else fails i can maybe look into transferring....but i like working here bc some good friends i’ve made are here and i hate that i would have to be the one to leave because some annoying man HAS to be an entitled creep.

i also dont want to have to be stuck inside the curbside box retrieving if they think the best course of action is to stop me from doing the part of my job i like to do....because i prefer shopping way more, but that requires me to be in the store and therefore susceptible to having to see the creep. also, apparently a guy who’s, like, nice enough but kinda annoys me is apparently interested in me...and another guy who i thought was just being friendly made me uncomfortable when he, completely out of the blue and not subtle at all, was in my business about whether i had a boyfriend/was single, and i’m getting to the point where i want to swear off men completely? like, yeah i can still feel attraction to men, but there’s just been way too many instances lately where men just creep me the fuck out or make me uncomfortable, and now dealing with this fucking stalker, i just keep thinking “i fucking hate men” over and over again.... (and yeah of course not all men etc. but i’m so fucking tired of this shit right now)

i really really hope they can do something about the guy, i’m getting close to the point where the next time i see him i’m literally gonna snap and tell him to piss off and leave me the fuck alone

also..... idk if it’s paranoia or bc as soon as i realize it’s him i try to ignore him entirely and dont pay enough attention, but i feel like the last times he’s been here his cart has always been empty.... like he’s just pushing it around to make it “look” like he’s shopping...  

[brokenhayatim]

exhale

idk how long this is gonna be but it goes a little something like this. you ever been so afraid of failing that you just procrastinate and avoid for so long? each day you tell yourself you’ll finally suck it up and push through but the fear and anxiety are almost so paralyzing you don’t even wanna go near the task.

i’s just been months..like maybe even five at this rate. i tell myself to start the clock the day i graduated but i know the truth. the last year-ish was my idkwhatimdoingwithmylifeohmygod era and i just thought i passed it with a bit more advice and options. but it’s like it was all almost pretty bubbles and they just popped so long ago that i’m lost and confused and afraid and nervous and all of that is so ridiculous, it embarrasses me. i’m not really that lazy but i say it to try and explain alot, i think. or i say that i’m just relaxing or something, when i know everyday my thoughts are always on this same thing and never being good enough to get through the rut. it wasnt till i was on a walk, voice memo-ing a friend and the anxiety just peeked through a bit and i was hearing my own thoughts aloud like ....thats true? and i’m told to not be afraid and to just let whatever happens happen if it’s best for me and i know that but i also dont?

everyday i constantly think about deleting every single social media app i’m on bc i feel this heavy weight of uselessness and incompetence. why couldn’t i have learned things like this person or been more out there like that person?what’s wrong with me? and i begin to rationalize it with my childhood and how i was raised and it never is fulfilling. it’s constantly not enough, nothing about me is. i’m not creative at all and what i can do, so many can do better and so why would anyone actually pick me? even the things and issues i’m passionate about, what do i really know? even my knowledge seems so below average and it’s confusing and stressful. i feel like if someone asked me a question about anything right now that i’ve just forgotten everything important and couldn’t even articulate a proper response. and i wanted to be an activist??? since i have to interview for jobs online now bc the pandemic it’s made me so nervous. i feel most in my element during in person interviews and i say that as someone that’s also awkward and nervous in the room. but i’m more anxious of the constant string of rejections i know i’m gonna receive now bc i can barely speak english and there’s nothing special about me at all. at least in person, i can smile and make it less weird. and i connect so much better that way, which loosens me up .000009% more. it’s really babyish i guess bc everyone is adjusting and i’m just not. and i thought i was with everything but i guess i really wasnt. and coming home everytime makes me fall back into this person i dont like ad i get so sluggish (my sister says its the trauma) and i dont know bc one day she’s waking up in florida and being a good semi productive human and the next she’s back in new york and its many low days and nerves. honestly the way this house sucks the life out of me, i dont even think i’d be good at any remote job. it’s kinda the reason half my brain is pushing the dead part bc i want to leave. be more self-sufficient and alone again. but where and how, you know? obvs im gonna need a job for that. it’s just this domino effect and i’m scared to push the first one and it’s annoying and i hate it goddaammit.  the moment i came home, i just have always felt unworthy and other to my family. like they don;t care, like they’re not proud, like i’ve done nothing these past years and that’s my fault for not being an open book like the rest.

i’m gonna have to edit this bc i will not remember 87 months worth of pandemic thoughts into this post right now but. i tell myself i came home and decided to take a break for a bit, or focused on my health and appointments, but really..i dont know. i think i say it to justify all these hollow days of disappointment, which it never does. i’m afraid to ask for help or even a nice job recommendation from my last employer bc all i can think about is that it’s been months and what have i been doing this whole time? and i think they’ll ask that or think ??? now ??? and i get in my head. i know its not illogical and the worst anyone can say is no and yada yada but ugh this is why i hate my mind and just overthinking ... or not thinking?? who knows. i’m constantly letting myself down but .., i dont want anyone to know that. does that make sense. maybe i have this need to be superficial and make my life seem so nice and good and right bc i never see myself as that and i worry of people’s opinions and crave affirmations. 

the first appt i had coming home was my neurosurgeon one and my dad and him sort of just had this rushed timeline in their heads of how i would go into the ER one day soon and bam its done. i didnt wanna think about that so i tried to focus on my job stuff .. then got stressed so i just started scheduling the appointments i needed. then stopped and did more work stuff. then the secretary called me like ???? u havent done these exams yet and i was like yeah uhhh. bc when i do them it’s one step closer to doing the surgery and i know i want the surgery i’m just getting in my head again and don’t want it to be now. my sister told me to make sure i let her know when i choose a date and i was like mhm i wanna finish the job stuff and get my life sorted first and she was just ???? what ?? this is clearly more important. but here’s the kicker. i went on a walk the other day and just cried coming to terms with it all bc honestly i still dream of not making it out alive and a part of me thinks, at least if i did this one thing right and found a job and all that, that it would okay what happens next. like at least i was successful in that one thing. i think about how unworthy and unproud i am of myself and for months now, just felt like this would be a beautifully cowardice way out. and i think about the after, and cant even imagine strong devastation and sorrow. is that strange? like i expect everyone to just go on. bc i’m a simple buffer with no real purpose left. i walk and think about dreams and hopes and what i would miss and just one thing that make me call this entire fantasy completely insane and i just draw blank. so i cry because, of course. this fantasy isn’t new either, since last year i’ve been speaking to my therapist and writing about it. we would speak of suicide and i always respond like that’s a huge no bc of my religion but i say, i think about if something went wrong and that was it, how i want it to be like that. take the pressure, take the blame, take it all off me in a way. and some days i’m scared that i’ll wake up in the hospital bed after and be in pain and coddled and annoyed by the attention i’m only getting bc of that pain. and i dont want you to be here just because of the pain but i feel like you’re here only because of that. that you came, that you’re seeing me, that you care only because of it. so what am i without it? just back to nothing? the headaches were lonely but i feel less lonely with this diagnosis, like i have something good about me, worthy about me. something that makes me important to someone, even if it’s the neurologist that wants my money. to be real, i dont even think i care about the pain leaving as much as the fact that i can’t label myself as this person with chronic pain. like even if i was cured and oo lala all better, a part of me would still want to have this neuro condition. like ?? i was thinking: imagine beating cancer and feeling better but wanting to say .. and then realized the key difference. with that you survive, you are survivor. even if it’s gone that who you are. when this leaves me, i’m nothing and i’ll just go back to being nothing. no one says u survived brain surgery or survived a brain condition. it’s just done and forgotten. there’s nothing exciting about my life other than my mri visits i swear. i decided to do the surgery bc it would be stupid of me not to, and i’m still holding back, still unsure of even a set month. i just know i didnt want to follow covid rules of 1 visitor bc i know it would be one of my parents and i would jump out the window myself. but covid isnt rlly going away so is that the best excuse i have? i havent thought past these appointments and its almost like im doing it all for the wrong reasons, like enjoying it rather than wanting it to help me. i dont know.

unrelated but a song that always makes me cry and is actually the song i was listening to when i had that panic attack on the plane: finally by james arthur around 2:30. always brings out the hollowness in me hm.

**** i’m coming back to this but i got all my plaguing thoughts outish so

[cherri-ice]

All the numbers

fuck you 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

uH MY CLOSE FRIEND LMAO? 2. Are you outgoing or shy?

lowkey both?? im more shy but if i know the person im incredibly outgoing 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

MY LOWKEY GF4. Are you easy to get along with?

oft no 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

YEP6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

ppl who are kind !! also ppl who could either break me or love me 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

,, hopefully8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

,,, can i say keaton henson bc his music makes me sob9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

no but depending w who lmao :””^10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

mm i think my friend from school abt shitty people ngl 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

”do you think it’d be a good idea for me to run and get tea right now”12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

ok jeez

1. cherry bomb - the runaways (wow, original)

2. all of sevdalizas songs ever

3. blood // water - grandson

4. charger - gorillaz

5. pools - glass animals

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

YESYEYSYESYEYSYES. fuck yes.14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

mhm!!15. What good thing happened this summer?

err i mean, if u count summer as past summer then convincing my dang dad that i dont wanna stay at my shitty school lmao?? 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

depends on what kind of kiss !! but ye!!17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

pfft, absolutely 18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

,,, i dont think so tbh19. Do you like bubble baths?

HELL YE I DO20. Do you like your neighbors?

ngl i dont rly talk to them but they seem Nice21. What are your bad habits?

if i dont know someone all too well i tend to joke around w them?? idk its weird but i kinda get annoyed easy as well,, altho another bad habit is my flaky ass backing out of events sometimes22. Where would you like to travel?

i’d love to ,,, travel to scotland or france23. Do you have trust issues?

oh boy i do24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

going the hell to sleep again and wrapping myself up25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

every part w scars lmao26. What do you do when you wake up?

take my dang meds27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

,, idk?? i like my skin tbh but it could clear tf up28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my sister29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

nope :””^ 30. Do you ever want to get married?

yes!!31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

ye lmao32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

,,, IM 16 LETS NOT GO HERE33. Spell your name with your chin.

aki34. Do you play sports? What sports?

i work out but i dont play sport lmao35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

without tv, music is my lifeblood36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

almost always37. What do you say during awkward silences?

i try to joke abt smth usually38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

someone who cares for me smh39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

T2, I LOVE TEA,,, 40. What do you want to do after high school?

university or nap 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

yes!! unless they’re super shitty42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

i’m nervous, anxious or overthinking43. Do you smile at strangers?

i try to ??44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

oo fuck outer space ty45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

,, honestly talking to lovely ppl46. What are you paranoid about?

people abandoning me or being completely alone and shut in and just,, closed away from the world47. Have you ever been high?

tba48. Have you ever been drunk?

not rly lmao i have a high tolerance 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

,, UM,,, lowkey yes50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

olive51. Ever wished you were someone else?

before, yes. now? nah, i’m pretty good 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

highkey wish i was less anxious 24/7

53. Favourite makeup brand?

NARS. nars. or kat von d altho i hate what she stands for

54. Favourite store?

T255. Favourite blog?

,, idk? 56. Favourite colour?

blue / green!!57. Favourite food? 

creme brulee58. Last thing you ate?

a rly good double cheese burger59. First thing you ate this morning?

croissant60. Ever won a competition? For what?

knowledge of novels for school!! or art wise, i’ve won a few comps inside our school61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nope62. Been arrested? For what?

nada63. Ever been in love? 

smh i fall in love,, way to easily64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

,, jeez i hate the person who it was with, but it was underneath the harbour bridge after chocolate strawberries and a picnic,, she asked if she could kiss me and i said yes65. Are you hungry right now?

jfc not rly im super content tbh66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

no @official-akko is a binch (im kidding i love u)67. Facebook or Twitter?

fb68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now?

nope but i was watching law and order svu 70. Names of your bestfriends? 

beauty, my cat71. Craving something? What?

cuddling someone and gently lying my head on their chest 72. What colour are your towels?

white!!72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

3 binch73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

yes!!74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

on my bed is 2, but i think at least 5+ around 75. Favourite animal?

i love,, cats,,,, so fucking much 76. What colour is your underwear?

wouldn’t u like to know77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

vanilla78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

mm cookies and cream?79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

dark bluuee80. What colour pants?

grey81. Favourite tv show?

right now its between brooklyn 99 and stranger things82. Favourite movie?

i will never stop loving mulan or the princess diaries 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls i guess 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

,, janis ian86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

uh the turtle smh87. First person you talked to today?

ash!! 88. Last person you talked to today?

rn, its niko89. Name a person you hate?

me90. Name a person you love?

ash91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

GOD this one asshole from school i will actually brawl92. In a fight with someone?

not rly?? idk93. How many sweatpants do you have?

at least 494. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

5!!95. Last movie you watched?

legally blonde pfft96. Favourite actress?

i lowkey love madelaine petsch97. Favourite actor?

shrugs loudly98. Do you tan a lot?

no im pale af99. Have any pets?

a cat!!100. How are you feeling?

tired, coffee makes me tired101. Do you type fast?

yep!! i can touch-type too so i dont even have to look most of the time as well lmao102. Do you regret anything from your past?

waayyy too fuckin much regret over what ive done to myself 103. Can you spell well?

ye!!104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

,, my grandma :105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

nope lmao106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

,, i think i have,,, 107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yes!! i go horseriding at least four times during the year108. What should you be doing?

sleeping probably109. Is something irritating you right now?

i have a fuckin itch on my leG110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yep,, oh boy 111. Do you have trust issues?

i already answered this lmao112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

,, my sister because i wanted her to comfort m e shes v sweet113. What was your childhood nickname?

”leash”114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yes!!115. Do you play the Wii?

sometimes116. Are you listening to music right now?

i am, its glass animals :””^117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes!!118. Do you like Chinese food?

eh, iffy but i dont mind it!119. Favourite book?

THE NAME OF THE WIND BY PATRICK ROTHFUSS120. Are you afraid of the dark?

only a lil121. Are you mean?

,, i think i am sometimes122. Is cheating ever okay?

never ever ever ever is it okay.123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

yes! if not i fuckin clean em wth124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

not rly? i think love is something you have to grow and share together, kind of like a garden plant? works gotta go into it for it to blossom 125. Do you believe in true love?

i believe in it!126. Are you currently bored?

,, yea lmao127. What makes you happy?

memes, reading and tea ngl128. Would you change your name?

birthname? ye, probably lmao129. What your zodiac sign?

cancer! im an emotional fucking crab130. Do you like subway?

ye!131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

remind them im a lesbian132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

binnch this is a past question133. Favourite lyrics right now?

”Our skinIn time would tellCan I hold on to our genesIn my lifeI could not failWhen I run out will you leave?”

134. Can you count to one million?

i can but i’d loose track i have attention issues pfft135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

”i was late because my cat threw up one on of my school uniforms and i had to change”136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed, idk who can trust anyone that much to keep them open137. How tall are you?

5′7!138. Curly or Straight hair?

i have wavy hair if this is asking m e139. Brunette or Blonde?

blonde140. Summer or Winter?

winter141. Night or Day?

night142. Favourite month?

july bc its cold and my birth month143. Are you a vegetarian?

nooppe144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk chocolate!145. Tea or Coffee?

tea146. Was today a good day?

meh, highs and lows 147. Mars or Snickers?

mars148. What’s your favourite quote?

either:a. “And what we learn about ourselves in those moments, where the trigger has been squeezed, is this: the past is not dead. There are things that wait for us, patiently, in the dark corridors of our lives. We think we have moved on, put them out of mind, left them to desiccate and shrivel and blow away; but we are wrong. They have been waiting there in the darkness, working out, practicing their most vicious blows, their sharp hard thoughtless punches into the gut, killing time until we came back that way.” from Trigger Warning (Short fictions and disturbances), neil gaiman

or

b. “Perhaps the greatest faculty our minds possess is the ability to cope with pain. Classic thinking teaches us of the four doors of the mind, which everyone moves through according to their need.First is the door of sleep. Sleep offers us a retreat from the world and all its pain. Sleep marks passing time, giving us distance from the things that have hurt us. When a person is wounded they will often fall unconscious. Similarly, someone who hears traumatic news will often swoon or faint. This is the mind's way of protecting itself from pain by stepping through the first door.Second is the door of forgetting. Some wounds are too deep to heal, or too deep to heal quickly. In addition, many memories are simply painful, and there is no healing to be done. The saying 'time heals all wounds' is false. Time heals most wounds. The rest are hidden behind this door.Third is the door of madness. There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind. Last is the door of death. The final resort. Nothing can hurt us after we are dead, or so we have been told.” - The name of the wind, patrick rothfuss

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yes!! i believe that ghosts exist lmao, or at least guiding spirits 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“… but he left his doubts unspoken. Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.” - Game of thrones lmao