#like it's my job to support them / boost things not... speak over them lol

[silverduckie]

i'm like???? LIVING for all your callouts tbh? do you know anywhere i can read more about matthew tho? i'm not a fan so i'm CLUELESS

The issue with Matt is that he always cleans shit out - him and his wife have both tweeted and liked pro-Trump shit in the past that I personally wasn’t able to screenshot before he deleted them and because people are very... let’s just say he’s been getting a free pass for years. However, I personally think there’s enough without those receipts to cancel him, so... without further ado.

He deleted the rape jokes, but here’s the tweet apologizing for them. I’ve also been informed the set he did that day wasn’t the only time they occurred, however, I still can’t find the receipts for that. 

He was part of the joke that got Dominic Sherwood cancelled / his offense came from the fact that Dom did it on LIVE. (Also I want to add that Dom is LGBT+ himself (according to multiple interviews with him), and while anyone offended by it is justified. I personally think Matthew not getting canceled while he’s straight (also something Matt’s said himself multiple times) is an even bigger issue y’all have been brushing under the rugs for years). Edit: I also was reminded of his behavior in the apology video following it, and him not apologizing for his part / him lying that it was not Dom during the stream as well.

His All Lives Matter BS -- and a former Black fan’s reaction to it, because their opinions on it count WAY MORE than mine. This other former fan also goes into shit I hadn’t even been aware of in their post / their replies so I’m gonna link it too. Also please note that his father resigned from office due to controversies surrounding the program's racial profiling. Given the deleted liked Tweets and shit, this fact makes his all lives matter shit look even worse.

I am going to be posting this in the RPH tags AND his tag (lol time to bring on the death threats from the... more zealous ones in that tag), in case anyone has any of the receipts I’m missing. If you do, please feel free to add them to this post. Edit: Also because people kinda missed my point with mentioning Dom. My stance is simply “if you ban one, you ban them both” - y’all cancel who you want, just don’t give one a pass for the same exact event they both took part in.

Edit 2: I’m also going to link this ask about him because, guess we can add zionism and covid parties to the list.

Edit 4 (8/23/2022): I’ve been thinking a lot about this post over the past couple of months. It’s reached outside of the community I made it for (the Tumblr roleplay community), and honestly? While I stand by the fact I feel people should be informed about the actions their faceclaims do and decide whether or not they want to continue using them based off of their own morals, and I encourage people banning fcs that make them uncomfortable, the amount of toxicity I’ve seen this community extrude due to this post makes me extremely uncomfortable. Put Matthew on your banned lists, block people who use him if that makes you comfortable but do not harass anyone over this post. I do not condone harassment, and I loathe the fact one of my posts is causing harassment towards people who enjoy him for some reason. I don’t even condone people sending mean messages to Matt, for that matter.

Use him as a faceclaim, or don’t, block people who disagree with you if they make you angry enough you want to engage with them, but most importantly try to walk into these situations with more kindness then I showed in this post. Matthew will continue to be on my banned list, but going forward I will not be updating this post or responding to anything regarding it unless it’s a “Matthew apologized / took accountability for xyz” update because honestly? I don’t have the time and energy to keep up with people I’m not a fan of. It’s not worth it. You’re more then welcome to make your own version of this post if you choose, just please don’t message me with updates. Thank you!

Anyway, please go do something that makes you happy after reading this post. Life’s way too short to be angry over strangers on the internet. And while I always encourage discussing these things in a productive manner, self care is also extremely important.

[sevendeadlymorons]

Hey I’m that one anon from a while back that sent those long ass paragraphs about Lilith and Simeon, remember me? Anyway I know I’m very late to the party, but some of the boys are either getting to much hate or too much love over here (in my opinion) so I made a pros and cons list for all of them, I’m sorry- (I’m warning you now this will be long but I’ll put it in bullet points so it’s a bit easier to read, just read it whenever your mentally ready lol)

Lucifer (I hate this man.)

Pros

He’d help a lot with getting your life together wether that be finding a job, choosing the right college or other shit like that

He’d make sure your working hard and getting everything done, which is both a blessing and a curse tbh

He would be the one to take the most care of you whenever your ill psychically

Cons

He would probably overwork you

Doesnt have much time to spend on you and doesn’t make a effort to find more time unless your getting really sad about it

Probably wouldn’t be the best of help through issues with mental illness (he just doesn’t strike me as that type, feel free to disagree)

His pride would cause some serious problems in relationships :/

Mammon (I love this man.)

Pros

He’s the “if your sad, I’m sad” kind of guy so he does whatever he can to put a smile on your face

Makes his affection towards you known once he’s comfortable enough, mostly through things like hugs and head pats tho

He shows off anything you make, and I mean anything (you gave him a drawing? After showing it to everyone he puts it on the fridge. You wrote something? He reads it to everyone then puts it in his notebook to reread later, I think you get where I’m going with this)

Cons

There would probably be some communication issues due to his tsundere nature and habit of ignoring you when he’s mad

He’d get super mad at you when your trying to help him financially, maybe it’s a ego thing or maybe he’s just tired of hearing it

While his possessiveness is cute at times he’d definitely get way to overbearing if you don’t force him to cool it

Levi (I kin this man.)

Pros

He’d try to set up designated hangout times (like Friday is movie night, Tuesday is for RPGs etc)

Wanna spend time with him but aren’t very into what he’s into? While it will be harder to bond with him because of this I think if you REALLY wanted to hang with him he’d at least try to meet you in the middle (like if you like sports he’ll offer to play wii sports lol)

Insecurities getting you down again? Well never fear, levi is here! He’d find characters with flaws similar to those you see in yourself to prove that they don’t really matter (and since he struggles with insecurity himself he’d know how you feel and be one of the best at helping you through them)

Cons

Even if he makes an effort to meet you in the middle if you have different interests he’d refuse to get into “normie” stuff

He’ll guilt trip you constantly, even if it’s not on purpose (“Oh your hanging out with Asmo today? I get it, of course you’d wanna hang out with somebody cool and perfect like Asmo and not a gross yucky otaku like me”)

You have to initiate almost everything Hugs? You hug first. Handholding? You reach out to him. Confessions? You seriously thought he’d be the one to confess first??

Satan

Pros

Similar to Lucifer he’d be good at helping you get your life together and putting you on the right track

Unlike Lucifer, he’d actively make time for date nights and/or hangouts multiple times a week wether your going out for dinner or reading in front of the fireplace

While he himself might not be best at helping with comfort in the moment, he’d be great to turn to if you needed a long time treatment (you need a therapist? He’s got the best three in your area that you can afford and he found some helpful things you can do in this book)

Cons

As stated previously, he’s not the best with comfort, which can be an issue if you need a friend/partner who can be your biggest source of comfort (I’m not saying he’ll do nothing, it’ll just be kinda awkward ig)

If you vent to him about something he’ll always offer advice and while that can be good, sometimes all you want is someone to listen to you and getting advice can be annoying in the moment

I feel like hanging out with him you’d rarely ever get to talk about pointless things, everything would be serious you know? And while serious and deep conversations are good for bonding, some people (myself included) need to be able to talk about dumb things without having it turn philosophical

Asmo

Pros

He’s the best at boosting your confidence, there’s no competition

He’s more into spontaneous outings (he suddenly got the urge to go shopping, your coming with right?)

You can talk about just about anything with him, no judgment and he’ll never speak a word of it to anyone else if you don’t want him to (although he may brag to his brothers that you told him your secrets)

High emotional IQ

Cons

He has set things of things he’s interested in and his idea of trying the things your into is doing whatever it is for about 5 seconds then deciding it’s not for him

He cares a lot about looks, I don’t mean he’ll hate you or insult you cause he thinks your ugly, I mean he’ll constantly try to do your makeup, hair, and nails and he’ll always say things like “Your hair is a bit messy today, did you brush it? Yes? Well not good enough, let me do it” and “your wearing that out? There’s nothing wrong with it, I just think you’d look a lot cuter in this” and if your anything like me, that’ll get on your nerves a lot

While he’s great with emotional issues, if it’s a problem with anything like school or your job he’ll have no solution to offer, all you’ll get is a “You can do it!” and a good luck kiss

Narcissistic, need I say more?

Beel

Pros

He’s the best person to vent to, no judgment and tons of hugs and comfort food

He’s a mom friend, no explanation needed

Very supportive and always concerned for your health

Your in trouble? Call beel, he’ll help you and make sure your home safe before questioning you and will only lecture you out of love (unlike a certain older brother that will lecture you because “Your tarnishing Diavlo’s reputation by acting out like this. Your an exchange student, you must abide by the rules and behave yourself.”)

Cons

Food is his answer to everything (Sad?Food. Injured? Food. School’s stressful? Food plus a little help studying) and while food can be good for comfort, sometimes you need him to provide more than a snack

He’s the opposite of Satan in the sense that he’ll almost never offer advice when you rant to him, he just assumes getting it all out is help enough and won’t offer much more then a hug and food

Not getting along with one of his brothers? “They can be a handful, but they’re great people once you learn to handle the chaos” yeah he rarely thinks what his brothers did is a big deal so he gives you advice on how to apologize and get past it and he’ll give you food

Belphie (he really does attract the mentally ill people huh-)

Cons

I feel like he’d be good for certain people with social anxiety and people who have issues with always being scared about being a bad person (“you think your a bad person and are becoming more and more toxic by the day? Well your a better person than Lucifer that’s for sure, wether or not your toxic were going to cuddle now get in bed” or “your worried everyone is constantly staring and judging you for everything you do? Well I don’t really care about what your wearing or the way you walk so I doubt they do either, can we go home now?” ((Side note, I experience both of these issues and his uncaring personality would calm me, which is why I think this one of his pros))

He just wouldn’t care about whatever type of life style you lead and as someone who’s constantly scared of being judged for their lifestyle this would be amazing (“you sleep all the time? Same let’s nap together” “You don’t eat very healthy? Whatever, it’s fine, can we sleep now?” ((although it is a double edged sword))

He gets a burst of energy and just does the most random things (you see that tree? He’s already climbed half way up it. That petting zoo? He’s already feeding the lambs. That store? He’s already spent 30 grim)

Cons

Just like his twin he thinks every problem has one solution, but instead of food he thinks the solution is sleep (your sick? Sleep is the best medicine. A lot of homework? If you sleep you don’t have to think about it.)

At some point he just doesn’t care enough, if you come to him with a serious issue he’ll half listen to you rant then pull you down to sleep

He teases you a lot, which is fine teasing is fun, but he takes it too far. Maybe he touched on something your insecure about or he was too merciless, whatever it was, he won’t apologize for it, he just thinks your being sensitive. If he brought up some bad memories he’ll consider it, but his way of apologizing is cuddling

He doesn’t wanna do something? You guys aren’t gonna do it. You don’t wanna do something? Too bad, he wants to so your gonna.

I’m sorry this is so long- I tried to shorten it I swear- but anyway if you disagree I’m with anything, I wanna hear what you think

And even tho Beel doesn’t get much screen time and more serious moments, I think his character is way more then hunger

Random but I wanna add that other then Levi I kin Tamaki from mha and Ranpo from bsd

Dude do you just like torturing poor college students? This is so much to read, I’m about to cry 😭

I agree with the Lucifer part actually! Tho I do kinda thing he’s be good emotion support in some ways, for me, anyway. I feel like he may lack empathy that is needed in a stable relationship. Yes, he may be able to tell you with shit and honestly, he’d book my doctors appointments when I’m too anxious too so yknow. But yeah

Also agree with mammon. He’s a jackass when he wants to be, and I know he may not mean it, but his words are still hurtful in a lot of ways and he just can’t convey those emotions that’re needed in a loving relationship. But he’s so sweet and will show you off so it’s all good~

As much as I love Levi, I agree. He manipulates and guilt trips you throughout the entire game. It can’t be healthy in relationships but that don’t stop me from loving that sweet otaku boy 😔🖤

I agree with Satan too. I don’t have much to say but he’s avatar of wrath for a reason, for a start, and he honestly looks like he’d prefer talking about books than that funny thing that happened in class that made you laugh earlier

Agreed with Asmo too. Sometimes he may just get overbearing and the narcissism and the constant need to make you look better and improve you may get irritating

I agree with Beel. I don’t think he can comprehend that food isn’t an answer to everything and as a person who doesn’t cope with food and relatively hates it, he won’t be any help to me emotionally. He’s so sweet but he just won’t give you that proper support

I love Belphie so so much but I absolutely agree. He’s one of the most unbothered brothers who won’t care what you look like, yes, but that also means compliments may come rarely and like his twin, “sleep is the answer to everything” I can admit I like to sleep but I have a manic side that comes with insomnia and if he’s dragging me down and not letting me move and I just cannot sleep, I’m gonna get irritated and pissed off.

This got a bit long on my end too. I just really liked how you worded this and it was fun to see pros and cons of the ‘perfect’ brothers

I think Beel is more than food too, but I just don’t particularly like him either way cuz I’m not really a foodie so I can’t relate with him lmao

[miss-ali-lawliet]

Hello

For the ask game:

3. what do you think about Light? 10, 24 and 25, please.

Thank you for the asks and honestly great questions!! I have a feeling this most is going to be a bit long, so hopefully I can get my thoughts and everything out in a way that’s easy to keep up with!

Also spoiler warning for those who haven’t finished the series!

~~~

3. What do you think about Light?

I honestly have SO many mixed feelings about him, like it’s hard to just be like ‘oh i hate him’ or ‘oh I love him’ because it just isn’t that simple for me personally, which that itself is a great sign of a character since you have to think about that sort of thing with them. Right off the bat though,  I’d like to say that I think Light as a character is phenomenal. He takes the character-type of what many would consider as the ‘perfect guy’ for the main character but twists it in a way that makes the reader/viewer question the protagonist their supposed to be rooting for. 

I also think of Manga!Light and Anime!Light as different people to an extent, as in the manga you watch a seemingly ‘normal’ guy who has issues with the world deal with the sudden power that was thrown on him. I talked about it before in my last ask post, but the scene after Light killed his first person after testing out is a great way to express how he feels, and is one of the few times we really see Light show THAT much emotion. He shows regret and guilt, thinking himself as a murderer and you can tell how it affected him. Anime!Light you don’t get that, and instead he seemed to just take on the task of being Kira and god of the new world without much else thought. I definitely prefer M!Light in comparison to A!Light to say the least, so I’m going to focus a bit more on the M!Light side of things.

I personally found myself wanting to have hope for Light, even though I knew that he wasn’t going to get better but instead worse over time, and honestly it’s probably better story wise to keep him as the ‘bad guy’ who stays bad instead of trying to pull a redemption arc out of no where or something. I have a feeling I’m beginning to ramble, so I’m going to try to wrap this up.

I have a love-hate relationship with Light, because even though I don’t agree with his actions and the tactics he uses to get the ‘perfect world’ he wants, and I do find his thinking flawed and find him very arrogant the more power/ego Kira gains over the world as the story goes on. Yet I find him as a character in general just fascinating. I was definitely more on L’s side of things and found myself enjoying a majority of the scenes where people simple put Light in his place and treat him like a dude with a god complex rather than what he wants/expects. There’s just a lot of thoughts I have about him, but yeah it’s just a love-hate sort of thing for me when it comes to Light. 

~~~

10. Do you ship any characters?

I usually find myself being a bit of a multishipper when it comes to most fandoms, it just depends on the source material and the characters obviously. I definitely can enjoy a lot of the ships when it comes to the fandom, but even if I don’t like a pairing I do my best to remain pretty respectful about it. 

One thing to note is that I can’t really find myself shipping L with anyone in the series to be honest, like I can find myself enjoying his relationship dynamics of characters but with my own interpretations and DR stuff, It’s hard to view him with someone else romantically. 

Some ships I like/don’t mind though (especially when it comes to au stuff as most of these in canon probably wouldn’t work out lol): Matt x Mello, Mikalight, Rem x Misa ig? (more like the concept is sweet i think even though in canon Misa treats her pretty badly and Rem said she doesn’t think of her that way), uhhh. My brain is pulling a blank right now but these are the main ones that come to mind.

Some platonic pairings I enjoy (as there are a lot more of these for me): Matt + Mello, Mello + Near, Matsuda + Misa, Honestly all the task force have really interesting dynamics with one another, L + Watari (obviously in a father/parent way, I just like seeing their interactions), Ryuk + Light, Ryuk + Misa, L + Matsuda’s relationship is honestly pretty funny to me and honestly L’s dynamics with the task force is also interesting as well. 

I think that’s it when it comes to shipping stuff atm

~~~

24. Any headcanons you’d like to share?

Oh! I feel like I have a couple but at the moment my mind is pulling a blank for some reason. Some head canons that do come to mind though deal with my Death Note DRs in some way but they can also be interpreted with the actual series itself, so hopefully this is good enough! Usually I do better with a certain prompt of some sort though for future references though! 

I’ve seen a post a bit ago about Matt and Mello being roommates of some sort at Wammy House and they find themselves in that roommate mentality still when they do room together, and honestly I agree so much with that. 

When Mello leave the Wammy House I see him not contacting Matt or anyone from Wammy House as he turns his focus on his side of the Kira Case, even if apart of him misses them and what he grew up around. Yet he pushes through because he’s stubborn and wants to do whatever he can on his own with the Mafia without involving someone like Matt, probably for his safety. After the explosion though when he has no one on his side, I think that’s when he realizes there’s only one other person he can truly trust and rely on and that’s when he contacts Matt to help him on the case. 

Not really a headcanon as the author himself mentioned that the rivalry between Mello and Near was one-sided and that Near actually liked Mello, I do see both boys sometimes wondering what it would have been like if they didn’t have that rivalry and became friends instead. I honestly see Mello thinking that more towards the end of the case and after the explosion, but at that point he’s probably thinking it’s too late to even pursue a friendship like that with him. 

I like to think that at Wammy House, Matt didn’t really understand Mello’s rivalry with Near and at times questioned him about it at first but he was pretty supportive 

He didn’t have anything against Near though and was pretty indifferent on the whole thing personally, but if it made Mello happy and helped him achieve a goal he had no reason to deny.

Matt in general in general is someone that gives the vibes of not caring about much, but if you’re close to him he is literally SO loyal?? Like if someone close to him has an issue, even if he might make a comment or remark, he is always there to back them up. 

I like to think that over time Light actually enjoys Ryuk’s presence, kind of like a sense of some sort of comfort that he isn’t alone of some sort? Like at first he might have been annoyed and still gets annoyed whenever he acts annoying and distracts him from work, but also I think he doesn’t like hate his company. Probably would rather be around him than Misa unfortunately </3

I think that L and Chief Yagami had a pretty good friendship, or perhaps not friendship but i’m not sure what to call it atm. Like I think L respected him a lot and Soichiro was the same towards him, and I think at times if they decided not to talk about the Kira case it’s usually pretty good for the most part.

It’s not really a headcanon but Matsuda trying his best to get some positive attention for things he does in the case is funny and kinda sweet. Most of the time L probably ignores his antics and doesn’t really feed into it, but there’s like one or two times where he actually does

It’s probably very small, probably something along the lines of “Good job.” or something but Matsuda feels so happy that he even acknowledged him like that and didn’t call him stupid for once. Definitely was a good boost in his mood

I find the thought of Light and Ryuk playing video games early on when he first gets the notebook charming in an almost funny way. Like Light probably either was talked into it by the shinigami or was like ‘screw it, I have nothing else to do atm’ and Ryuk is just happy he can actually do something and not just watch him working 

Light is definitely competitive in games though, like he’ll probably try to act like it wouldn’t matter but like most things with him, but it did lmao

I find the thought of the wammy kids doing things to mess with/annoy Roger so entertaining. Like I feel bad for him, but if I were asked to assist in the pranks or antics I probably would just for his reaction alone

Think that’s all for random misc head canons for now, if you want something more specific just send a request!

~~~

25. Ramble on about whatever you’d like 

Thank you for this one! I usually feel a little guilty whenever I ramble on about things in general, but the fact that some people are interested in my thoughts on things is so sweet!

At the moment though I’m honestly not too sure what to ramble about as there’s a lot on my mind and it’s hard to pick one thing and honestly it can be a bit hard to go through all my thoughts at times. 

But! One thing I will always stand behind that ya’ll have probably seen countless of times so far is that the Wammy Boys deserved better and I will always say it if necessary tbh. Speaking of wammy house though, that comes to mind is that I wish I could learn more about it at times, yet I also enjoy the mystery of it in a way. It’s something I’d be so down to learn more about, but if not I’d be pretty okay with that outcome. Plus just leaves things for fans to interpret in their own ways if they want, and that’s something I definitely enjoy when it comes to the fandom is how they take something vague and turn it into so much more. 

Also speaking of the fandom I’m surprised yet so thankful/grateful for is that the death note fandom is still going on here. It was such a relief seeing that I wasn’t alone in my hyperfixions and thoughts, and seeing all the talent in the art, writing, etc, is just amazing and something I look forward to a lot in all honesty. I’m also just so thankful for the people that take time out of their day to look at my blog in general. You like, reblog, or follow me? I literally want to be your best friend and if I wasn’t so nervous about starting conversations with ya’ll I definitely would have messaged a couple of ya’ll a while ago. Until then I hope you just read this and see me on your blogs and hope my reactions and comments is enough until I get less nervous lmao. 

One last thing before i close the blog off is that I love L with my full heart and I adore Matt and Mello so very much. My favorite lads <3

~~~

Alright that should be it for this post! If you stuck around, thank you!

Some future posts to expect: Matt, Mello, + a f!reader based on the dream I talked about before, some L angst, and possibly something with Light :)

Anyways have a great day/night and here’s a reminder to stay hydrated and eat something if you haven’t already <3

[clevercatchphrase]

2019 year in review

So… The 2010’s are almost over. Huh. What a decade it’s been. Hard to comprehend how much has changed in 10 years. I can barely believe that I was in high school at the beginning of this decade, and now I’m a college graduate with 2 degrees who’s been working at the same job for the last 3 years. But trying to summarize the past 10 years in a single post is a good way to give myself an existential crisis, so let’s not do that! Instead, let’s just focus on 2019 because there has been more than enough shit that’s happened to me in this year to talk about.

PART 1 OF 2: 2019 AND 2020 GOALS AND RESOLUTIONS

Huh, looking back through my archives, I apparently didn’t make a tumblr post about my goals this year. I definitely had some, though. Lemme list ‘em off real quick, and then we’ll go through them point by point.

1)      Pay off all my student loans 2)      Finish some song comics 3)      Make art for my Redbubble account 4)      Finish the first rough draft/script of a game I wanted to make 5)      Practice ASL 6)      Sew some stuffed animals 7)      Finish some fan fictions 8)      Work on Ghost Switch 9)      AMVs 10)   Do some original writing 11)   Make illustrations for my fan fictions

Okay, first off, the student loans. I was actually SO CLOSE to successfully completing this one bUT THEN MY CAR HAD TO BE A WHINEY PISS BABY AND HAVE ITS ALTERNATOR DIE ON ME WHILE I WAS ON THE HIGHWAY AND THEN A BLOW OUT THREE WEEKS LATER.

GOD, if I had to summarize this year in two words, for me it would be “Car troubles”. I swear I spent more on auto repair in the first third of this year than I ever have just freakin’ OWNING a car. All four of my tires had to be replaced, my alternator failed and my car literally just SHUT OFF while I was driving, and I was barely able to coast into a gas station. Both my front breaks and rear breaks were worn down the metal and I only learned this when my car was barely able to stop after I had to slam the petal down full force!  I went in for an oil change, and they found some problems and then I didn’t get my car back for three days! I don’t even like owning a car! I hate driving! I hate my country’s refusal to provide universal, free public transportation! I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!

Oh-kay… number 2. Finish some song comics. I didn’t finish any. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t work on them. I have made tiny progress, but that’s certainly better than no progress. One of these song comics I hope to be realizes is going to be a collab with one of my friends. It’ll be a long-time coming as it’s pretty low priority for the both of us, but if anyone else out there was disappointed with KH3’s ending, we’re gonna have ya’ covered… With SONG!

3. Make some redbubble art. I actually did this one! Not in the way I expected, but I added (technically) 3 new designs to my redbubble in the middle of the year. If you like butterflies and dragons, I got some product for you~!

Number 4, finish a script for a game I want to make. I… thought about this. I thought about this a lot, but I never put pen to paper, so… oops. It almost happened! I debated making this my main writing project for NaNoWriMo this year, but ended up having more inspiration for another story. Maybe next year? (god, I hope not. I don’t want to wait a full year just to write something)

Number 5, practice ASL. I just straight up didn’t do this and I only have myself to blame. Still keepin’ up that Danish Duolingo streak, though. 4 years going strong and not a day missed yet.

Number 6, sew some stuffed animals. Again, another one I just straight up didn’t do, but I have an excuse of trying to save money while my car crashed and burned in every other sense except literal this year. Hopefully 2020 will be different. I’ll definitely be able to pay off this last loan within the first half of 2020, and then I can start saving for whatever I want to buy.

Finish some fan fictions was number 7, and I did this! Well, I only finished, 1, but it was a story I’ve been working on for over 3 years, and it came out to over 200 THOUSAND words long, which is the longest thing I’ve ever written, and I’m quite proud of myself. Now that the big story is out of the way, and I’ve gotten into a good rhythm of working on Ghost Switch, maybe I can squeeze in some short writing sessions more frequently. (either that, or just wait for my car to break down again and then go on a writing spree in a pepboys. The lord and the fan fic discord know that’s solely why I finished my other fic this year)

Speaking of Ghost Switch, working on it was a goal this year too, and I did that! I kept it up all year and took a vacation in November and it was wonderful. While the major plot points have been in place since before I started drawing, I still need to script each arc beyond Snowdin, but hey, by the time we get there, it’ll be 2022 so I got time. (Note, don’t do this, kids. Script your stories and comics thoroughly before publishing. The road I’m on is paved with misery and pain and it will only end in tears unless I change lanes soon)

Number 9, amvs. Do people make AMVs anymore? Idk… the last one I made was... Jesus, 5 years ago? (it was a gravity falls/fall out boy crossover, if you were curious) I’ve been wanting to do 2 more for just as long, but in order for me to do that, I’d have to spend time re-watching the shows to find the footage, and then actually edit them together, and I just don’t…. feel like it. Maybe someday, but not any day soon.

10; do some original writing. I did this! For nanowrimo! I wrote the first draft of some original fiction I’ve been planning for a year or two now and it completely sucks! But it’s on paper now and I’m happy. Will I revise and edit it? Sure, but not for a while. I want to let it sit and forget about it and look at it with new eyes months from now so I can be sure I can make it better when time comes to rewrite.

11, make illustrations for my fan fics. Now that You Monster is done, I want to go back and add pictures to it. I didn’t do any this year, but I did keep a list of scenes I wanted to draw, so I have plenty of ideas to do as warm up sketches next year~ I kinda want to stream them~

So, that was 11 goals, and I successfully fulfilled 4 of them! That’s! Not a very good ratio… QmQ So, goals for 2020. Some I’m gonna keep from this year, some I’m gonna drop and some I’m gonna add. In short I would like to,

1)      Finish paying off that last student loan 2)      Put more stuff on my redbubble 3)      Illustrate my own fan fics 4)      Sew at least one stuffed animal 5)      Make an enamel pin 6)      Read one new book a month 7)      Write one page a day/Complete at least one new fan fic 8)      Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make 9)      Finish fully scripting Ghost Switch 10)   Boost my patreon

Most of these I think are pretty self-explanitory, but I’ll go into detail just a bit because I’m on a roll and typing my thoughts helps me feel less alone in the middle of the night when you’re super tired and you know you should probably go to sleep, but the toddler in you is throwing a tantrum and doesn’t wanna go to sleep just yet, but you can’t fight the progression of time either way.

Number 1- I should be able to reach this goal by the end of March. End of June at the absolute latest. Once that goal is met, my secret new year’s resolution will be unlocked as well!

Number 2- I want to put more art of my OCs on redbubble. These OCs are tied to the game I want to make. There’s already some art of them up there, but I want at least one piece for each character.

Number 3- Mostly for You Monster. Embrace the cardinal rule of fan fic and apply it to fan art. If you want to read about see art about certain ideas, scenarios, or what-ifs, you gotta make it yourself.

Number 4- I have 3 potential ideas to sew. One is definitely leagues easier than the other two and will probably be chosen if/when I have the time and materials.

Number 5- This year I got really, REALLY into the idea of making enamel pins. Unfortunately it’s a pretty big investment (like, $350 to make 100 pins you  might not even sell). If this happens, it’ll probably be towards the end of the year, and if I get enough interest. I’m currently torn between making an original enamel pin and one based off Undertale. We’ll just have to see where this goes.

Number 6- Back in 2018 when I paid off one of my many student loans, I rewarded myself by spending over 200 dollars in used books. All these books had a theme; they were focused on dragons because I have a problem. I have not yet read a single one of these books I have bought, and I would like to fix that. I have, like, 20 unread dragon books, and even if I only read 12 out of 20, I would consider that an amazing accomplishment and money well spent.

Number 7- I currently have about 8 different WIPs I could work on. (well, I don’t know if I can even call them wips. More like, a general idea and a title written down.) I want to build good writing habits, and if I can write just 200 words a day, hell, even 200 words a week and just one of my 8 stories done, I would consider this goal met.

Number 8- I’m torn between making my game in unity or ren’py. I know jack shit about both. Ren’py is more user friendly, but unity will allow me more customization. (Lol, can you guess what kind of game I want to make yet?)

Number  9- I really just want the full story to be done and written incase anything goes horribly terribly wrong in my life and I find myself unable to continue making ghost switch in comic form. Then at least I can finish the story by other means, you know?

Number 10- It always surprises me every month when I get that patreon email saying I got paid. Sure, I don’t even make double digits on it, but it still awes me enough to know that people out there like my work enough to throw me a tip. I can’t thank my patrons enough for supporting me and I hope to one day be in such a good place I can update my comic/song comics/writing frequently enough without need for goals or milestones. But until that magical day arrives, money is always a great incentive for anything, I suppose. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 ALRIGHT. PART 2 OF 2: SHIT THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN 2019

Cheesus crust what a year. This year started off great! Back in late January Kingdom Hearts 3 FINALLY released, and let me tell you a little story. Back in the summer of 2006 I was a 13 year old middle schooler with no way of making money other than by doing house hold chores at a rate of 25 cents a task. A few weeks ago, I had a sleep over at a friend’s house and they let me play this weird game called “Kingdom Hearts” and god, I was instantly hooked on it. That summer, I did over 800 chores, enough to earn myself 200$ and buy myself a playstation 2 (just in time for the ps3 to come out, gg me) The only games I had for the ps2 were KH1, 2, Re:CoM and Okami, and I beat them all… except Okami. Miffed that the PS3 wouldn’t allow for backwards compatibility, little 13-year-old me made a promise. I looked myself in the mirror and said “I will not buy the next playstation console until KH3 comes out, AND BOY that was probably a good choice for me to make with my level of gaming. I’m even less of a casual gamer than the average casual gamer, but I have been waiting 13 years for this piece of closure, and I even told my friends and family that “the day Kingdom Hearts 3 comes out is the day I will buy a playstation 4”. My dad apparently thought this was the funniest shit, because he literally took the day off from work that Friday to drive me on base to get the game and console (he thought it would be less crowded than a regular walmart, I suppose). I paid $400 on a ps4 pro while he bought me the game. Again, I have an impecible sense of timing seeing as the PS5 is now right on the horrizion, but just like before, I’m not buying a new console until the next KH game is released. See you in 2045, sony~. While I was at the gamestop on base, I also picked up Okami HD and The Last Guardian. For all of February and even early March, I took my time playing through KH3. And…! It was the best disappointment I’ve ever played. After a month away from gaming, I started The Last Guardian and finished it in a couple weeks. I love trico and would die for him, but trying to get 100% completion on that game is udder insanity. Okami, HD, however… again after a month break after finishing TLG, I started replaying Okami. I think I had only managed to get about halfway through the game before I just… stopped playing it on my ps2 version. I am currently SO CLOSE to getting a 100% on the ps4 version. In fact, I’ve beaten the game. I only (techinically) need 2 more trophies to be done; 1st, escape the water dragon without being eaten, 2nd, I need to beat that dumb stupid race with Kai, in order to get the last bead on my rosary, as well as the top dog trophy. I hate her so much. I hate this race so much. It’s awful and bad.

Flash forward to December! Earlier this month I was at Barnes and Noble, buying myself a planner for 2020. I exit the store and notice that there’s a gamestop across the street. For shits and giggles I go inside to look at their game selection, and I find KH 1.5 and 2.5. Now, my PS2 died a few years back (it just won’t read my discs anymore, I don’t know why) and I haven’t been able to replay any of my other kingdom hearts games since. If you had seen me the day I finished kingdom hearts 3, after the ending credits rolled, you would have heard me say “Man…. I wish I could play kingdom hearts 2 again”. AND NOW I CAN, ALONG WITH BBS which I had never even played yet, but knew the story of. I’ve restarted playing kh1, and I was so happy to hear that familiar music when I booted the game up for the first time. While at the game stop, I also picked up Rime and Tearaway, two games that had looked interesting to me. At the time of writing, I’ve finished Rime and am 25% done with tearaway. Rime was…. An interesting experience. I learned about it through Jacksepticeye’s channel a couple years back and thought the art style was enticing. For a super casual gamer like me, I found the puzzles just the right level of challenging and exploring was a blast! The music gave me VERY strong Princes Mononoke vibes, but the overall story left something to be desired. Overall I had fun, and enjoyed completing this game to 100%. Now for tearaway. Can I just say this game is super fucking adorable? I know the original was on the ps vita and the gameplay there was arguably more diverse and imaginative, but this game is just so fucking cute I don’t care?? ALSO, this game’s sound track is ABSOLUTELY incredible and I’ve only heard the first fourth of it! Listen to The Orchards, Pig Riding, and Gibbet Hill Pilgrimage for a taste of their wonderful beats and fantastic use of string and woodwinds! God, I’m so excited to get some more games in 2020. I’m proud to say I currently own more ps4 games than I ever did with my ps2 (and now the majority AREN’T Kingdom Hearts titles!), and I’m still hoping to play Journey, The Witness, and Abzu before everything becomes ps5.

What else happened to me this year. Oh, I went to a doctor for, like, the first time in seven years. I also had my blood drawn for the first time ever, and the nurse said the most disturbing thing to me while she did it. Now, whenever I get shots, I refuse to look. I did that here. So she thought it would be appropriate to say to me “Can you feel your blood leaving your body?” Lady… You can clearly see I am uncomfortable with what is happening here. Why, of all the things you could say, did you choose to say that. Unfortunately, while my doctor is nice, she keeps wanting to run tests on me, that I just cannot afford with my current salary, and my monthly insurance is about to go up to 200$ a month, so I’ve cancelled my next appointment with them, and don’t plan to go back until it’s absolutely necessary. Capitalism is fun, guys. Preventative healthcare is for wusses.

I started going to a chiropractor on a monthly basis. Story time- I don’t know when it started, but sometime late last November I began to notice that I had a headache that just... wasn’t... going away? And each day it was starting to get a little worse. It made it hard for me to find a comfortable position to sleep, it made it hard for me to be in bright areas or move fast. So I said to myself “Okay, if this headache persist through the month of december, then something is proooobably wrong and I should go see someone about it. And hoo-boy were thing wrong with me. By the time this January rolled around, I couldn’t even stay on my feet for more than a few hours without it physically hurting to just BREATHE. So I started going to this chain called The Joint (A+ name, I know). THey aksed me “How are you doing?” I said “I’m in pain” and they said “We can help fix that!”. I’ve only been to a chiropractor once before in my life a few years back after my freshmen year of college because I began to notice my hips weren’t able to support me? LIke, I would lie on my back, and I couldn’t push my hips up when my feet were flat on the floor. I also couldn’t climb anything steep, because my legs just couldn’t push me up if my knee had to bend more than 90 degrees when I lifted my leg up. (Turned out both my hips were apparently out of place). This time only one of my hips were out of place (which they fixed. they said one of my legs was an inch “longer” than the other because I had been leaning all my weight on one leg when I stand). But two of my ribs were apparently “Stuck” which was why it was hurting for me to just breathe, and one of my shoulders was missaligned too, causing one of my trap muscles to constantly be streched, which was pulling on my skull, and causing the headache. Anyway, after they popped all my bones back into place, I still felt terrible, but by god, that night was the first time in weeks I was able to sleep without a migrane. A chiropractor can’t magically heal your arthritis, or fibro, but I definately think they have merit to keeping your posture good and helping your body with things like circulation. 10 outa 10, would recomend. It’s all the fun of getting your neck snapped without the dying!

Earlier this month I got together with two of my friends and we baked Christmas cookies. It was a lot of fun, as well as a great learning experience. A member of my family has a gluten allergy, so we used rice flour for most of the cookies. We learned this is a bad idea! The cookies will just fall apart! A few member’s in one of the friend’s family have nut allergies. Other friend and I knew this and were careful to avoid cookie recipes with nuts, bUT THEN COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT ALMOND MILK AND ALMOND EXTRACT COUNT AS NUT. IN FACT, ALMOND EXTRACT IS PURE CONCENTRATED NUT JUICE AND WE FELT SO BAD FOR ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY POISONING THE FAMILY.

Earlier this year me and these same friends took a field trip to Hobby Lobby and just dicked around the store for a couple of hours. It was super fun, 11 outa 10, would recommend, a great date idea for your artsy S.O.

Back in May I went to a wedding for the first time in my life. (well, not true, but the first one I could remember) we left at 5am, drove 5 hours to get there, hung out at a zoo and spent the night in a la quinta before the wedding day. I slept on the bathroom floor because my mom was snoring too loud in the main room and keeping me awake, and the rest of the day was just spent me trying to keep myself together because I was pissed off and tired.

Other than all of that, nothing really major happened to me this year. I guess one more thing I’ve tried to do this year is started the process of breaking certain internet addictions so I can use my free time for more personal projects. Seriously, I found myself watching way too much youtube and following blogs that didn’t even make me happy. I had a personal intervention with myself where I sat down and asked myself, “why do you watch these videos and youtubers? Why do you follow these blogs? Do you really enjoy their content? Do you really care? If you stopped watching/following them, would you even notice?” After critically thinking it over, I’ve found myself unfollowing several channels and blogs and suddenly I feel so much happier. I thought I would miss it, but I realized I didn’t really care if I saw their content or not. I wasn’t missing much. And now I feel like I have more time to draw, read and write. If you think you spend too much time consuming and not enough time creating, I suggest you try and de-clutter your internet habits as well. It’s done wonders to un-fuck my headspace.

And… well, that about sums up my year. How are your holidays going? Anything fun, exciting, dramatic happen to you this year? I hope your new year is warm and safe! Good night, everybody!

[psycho-slytherin]

Strangers ch. 33

You and Yoongi make a choice about your relationship.

Pairing: Yoongi x (female) Reader

Word count:

Genre: fluff, angst

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“No.”

“Mr. Min, it’s the only way–”

“No. I won’t do that to y/n. The fans would kill her.”

Blood roars in your ears, and your knees turn weak, the ache in your left leg feeling far more prominent with the memory of last night.

“I need to sit down,” you say faintly, and Yoongi turns to you, alarmed.

“Are you going to pass out again? Do you need water?” He returns his gaze to Bang PD and Avery. “Y/n shouldn’t even be here after she collapsed yesterday!”

You lower yourself into your chair, grateful for the weight off your injured leg. “Don’t worry about me, Yoongs. I’m not going to faint. I just...”

“If you were... dating.”

“My fans would kill her.”

“Y/n, honey...” Avery approaches you, her eyes full of empathy and... something else. “I know I’m not your manager, but I think it would be in your best interest to go with this idea. If you and Mr. Min pretend to date, it would explain why you were together yesterday, and it would boost Moon Over the Sea’s publicity.” She sits down in Yoongi’s chair and rests her hand on your leg. The proximity of her touch to your injury forces you to swallow a whimper of pain. “It would be temporary– you could ‘break up’ whenever you needed to, as long as the show’s promotions were over.”

“Surely you know of BTS’s fame,” Bang PD adds. “To be seen with Yoongi would do wonders for your public image. Millions of people would give anything to be in your place.”

“Stop trying to convince her!” Yoongi says, his eyes narrowing into a glare. “We’re just friends.”

“Of course you are– I know you’d never actually date y/n. But everyone loves onscreen/offscreen couples. And think about it, Yoongi.” Bang PD’s voice lowers, and you barely catch his words. “If you don’t do this, everyone goes down. You. Me. Y/n. The other members. Yoongi, it’s your only option. Besides...” Bang PD leans in and whispers something. Yoongi goes very pale at the executive’s words, shooting a glance at you before sighing.

“Ugh. Well– let me talk to her alone,” he asks his producer, his tone gentler, softer now.

“Take as much time as you need to come to the right decision. Miss Lee?” Bang PD leads Avery outside to an adjoining office in the BigHit Entertainment building.

As soon as they’re gone, you let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. “We fucked up.”

“Did we?”

You stare at your friend in disbelief. “Gee, Sherlock, you tell me– we got fucking photographed at our spot, and now your boss and our director and my best friend and everyone else on the fucking planet knows that we know each other out of work, and a thousand percent of them think we’re dating, and now we’re being told that guess what? We have to pretend to date to keep my job, and yours, and the jobs of the other members!”

Your breath is getting shorter, your leg hurts, and you feel cold, so cold. “I fucked up. I fucked up. Yoongi, it’s my fault, I ruined it, I ruined you, I fucked up–”

“Hey. Hey! Y/n, shh...” Yoongi pulls his chair closer to yours and wraps an arm around you. “Deep breaths. You’re okay. You’re strong. And personally? I don’t think we fucked up.”

“How can you possibly think that?”

Yoongi shrugs. “I hated lying. Now I can meet your friends, and introduce you to other idols. Now I can talk about you during interviews– it’s so hard not bringing up some dumb thing we’ve done during our Truth or Dare or Drink games. We don’t have to pretend anymore.”

“Dingus, did you forget the fake-dating part?”

Yoongi presses his lips together. “Right, that...”

“Whatever. I don’t really need this job– I can go back to working in the cafe. I’ll delete my Twitter and change my hair.” If you drop off the face of the Earth, ARMYs will forget about you, and Yoongi and the other members of BTS will bounce back from That Photo quickly. It’s best for them that everything returns to normal as soon as possible.

Yoongi freezes before leaning back and folding his arms with a sigh. “Fine. If you don’t want to be an actress, leave. If this role isn’t worth fighting for, leave. If our friendship isn’t strong enough to get through this, leave. If you think the best way to fix this is to give up, leave– because that’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?”

“W-what?”

“Come on, y/n. I know you like I know my own mind. You think if you make some heroic sacrifice, it’ll be worth it because I’ll keep my reputation, right? You don’t want to go through with dating, because you know I’ll lose fans.”

“It was my fault,” you mutter, abashed. “The photo. I heard footsteps, but... I just wanted to see you.”

“And I wanted to see you, y/n. I was so scared last night, I thought that you were– well, whatever. But what’s done is done, and we should make the best of it.” Yoongi shrugs. “I’m okay with the fake-dating, if you are– you’re the better liar anyways.”

Did he speak, or merely stab you in the chest? For a second, you can’t rightly tell.

“Lisa would be so angry,” you croak, panicking. “If she thinks I’ve lied to her again, she might hate me for real.”

“Lisa’s your friend, she’d understand.”

“And the fans?”

Yoongi hesitates, biting his lip. “It’ll be fine.”

“You said they’d kill me.” They’ve already tried.

“They can’t really touch you, and they’ll love you soon enough.” Yoongi flashes you a small smile, but you only shiver, the memory of the redhead’s hands on your chest feeling real, far too real.

Yoongi notices. “Are you cold? Where’s...” his eyes darken. “Y/n, where’s your coat?”

In the river.

With my phone.

And my blood.

And nearly the rest of me, too.

“I left it at home.”

Yoongi stares at you silently, his eyes posing questions you can’t answer. You’re about to say something else, explain why you haven’t responded to any of the texts he’s surely sent you, but there’s a knock at the door and Bang Si-Hyuk and Avery reappear. You automatically shift away from Yoongi– the authority figures can’t think you actually like him.

“So?” Bang PD asks. “Have you come to a decision?”

“Up to you,” Yoongi murmurs quietly, and you blink hard.

Your ARMY self is screaming, dying, rolling on the floor and thanking every deity you can think of. Dating Min Yoongi– even as a lie– is all your dreams come true.

Some other part of you, barely a whisper in your mind, is saying not like this.

You don’t want to force Yoongi’s hand. But you’re scared, so scared of the consequences of agreeing. Still, if it’s the only way... and Yoongi’s right; his friendship is worth it.

You swallow, the singular action taking with it your doubts, fears, and a little bit of you.

“Yes. We’ll do it.”

~~~

You stare into Yoongi’s eyes. “I have to say, my life was much easier before you came along.”

Yoongi smiles mischievously. “But much less fun, I hope.”

“Cut! Nice going, guys– I think that’s our take!” Avery claps twice and you rise carefully from the beautiful period set. At Avery’s words, the room is once more filmed with the hustle and bustle of film.

“Okay, next we’re going to finish the countryside scenes– Yoongi, y/n, you’re done for the day. Good work. And,” Avery lowers her voice to a whisper, “make sure to leave together.”

You smile weakly and nod at your director. What else can you do? It’s been several weeks since your near-drowning, and since you and Yoongi began ‘dating’.

“Tell me this,” you grumble, catching up to Yoongi on his way out the door. “How are we supposed to leave together if we go in opposite directions?”

Your friend laughs, shrugs. “Beats me. On the bright side, the show is getting a lot more publicity.”

“That’s ‘cause of you, not us,” you reply, punching him in the arm.

“Y/n, haven’t you learned anything?” Yoongi asks, exasperated. “You are special, and people really like you.”

Not everyone. In the several weeks since your near-drowning, you got a new phone and, well... everything is back to normal.

@bangtan-news: Is love in the air? BTS’ #Suga spotted on a romantic evening walk with #MoonOverTheSea costar @yourname! @captainkookie21: @bangtan-news they’re faking they have to be @BTS_twt pls deny these awful rumors @jkthighs: @captainkookie21 are u still leading the anti @yourname movement lol I support u (^w^) @largebaguette: ugh why does @yourname have so many haters?? Just let BTS date who they want to they’re grown ass men

@queenyn: I love #YoongiAndYn honestly the best ship uwu I’m so happy they’re dating @jiminhasjams: rt if you’d pay money to slap @yourname for stealing yoongi

@captainkookie21: I think we should boycott @yourname until they agree to recast yoongi’s LI in #MoonOverTheSea tbh. #boycottyn let’s make it happen! Fighting!

You sigh, shaking your head to rid your mind of the daily flood of hatred. Ever since first being seen together with Yoongi in public, your social media mentions have increased a hundredfold.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Yoongi asks, seeming to pick up on your mood.

“Oh, nothing." You say quickly. “The dating thing is just weird, you know?”

Yoongi shrugs. “It’s not like we have to kiss, or even hold hands. It’s the same as always, except, you know...” he gestures at the sun shining brightly overhead. “We get to see that.”

“That’s true. Hey,” you check your watch. “I have some time before my next job... do you want to get coffee at my place? I’d suggest a cafe, but I don’t want you to get swarmed.”

“Sounds good. I’ll have my driver take me there separately. If your address is still secret, you should keep it that way.”

Twenty minutes later, you’re brewing coffee in your thankfully upgraded coffeemaker. Yoongi sits at your small table, munching thoughtfully on a muffin.

“So how’s life?” he asks, and you snort.

“We’ve seen each other almost every day, Yoongs. Do you really need to ask?”

“I guess I’m just used to not knowing much about you,” he says, accepting your offered mug of coffee.

“Look who’s talking, Agust.”

“Oh god,” Yoongi groans, snickering. “I can’t believe I gave you that name.”

“I can’t believe you said you were an accountant.”

“Hey, I’d make a great accountant,” Yoongi replies.

You roll your eyes. “Your hair was blue and you’re twenty-something. Even if I didn’t know BTS, I’d think you were lying.”

A light breeze hits your back and your heart stops. Cold. Your breath quickens and your teeth begin chattering.

“Y-Y-Yoongi, could you c-close the w-window?” You thought it was closed, you haven’t opened it since that night, since you felt the cold so deep in your bones it felt like you might shatter into pieces.

“It’s... it’s not open,” Yoongi says, cocking his head. “Are you okay?”

“Mhm. Just gotta grab a jacket.” You’re already wearing a sweater and a shirt underneath, but it’s not enough. You pad to your hall closet and grab your new coat.

“When’s your next job?” Yoongi calls, still sitting at the coffee table.

“At five. What time is it now?” You ask, pulling your arms through the sleeves. Your phone is on the table, so you can’t check yourself.

“Just past four–” Yoongi’s voice cuts off and an eerie silence fills your apartment.

“Yoongi? What’s wrong?” You reappear in the kitchen only to see Yoongi looking paler than you’ve ever seen him, staring openmouthed at his phone.

No... not his phone. Your phone. And your notifications.

“Y/n, what...” Yoongi’s voice cracks. “When were you going to tell me?”

[atopearth]

Pub Encounter Part 2 - Ryunosuke Yuze Route

HAHAHA omg, Ryunosuke seems like such a shy guy, he blushed when Shiori approached him and started talking to him hahaha. Omgg wow, I didn’t expect Hideaki to be 46!! He looks pretty young compared to the others lol! I guess he’s young at heart? Lolll. Shiori is so slow and silly, lmao when Ryunosuke helped her carry her shopping bags (since she nearly fell, lucky he catched her lol) and she was like, they’re my bags..Hahahaha, of course they’re yours, he’s just helping you carry it loll🤣🤣 It’s kinda cute that they just spontaneously enjoyed their day off together after that. Omgggg, Ryunosuke is the CEO for a lingerie chain?? How unexpected! Lmaooo when he ran away in his car when Shiori found out haahaha, why is he so cute lmao. I’m glad he was very upfront about his apology for how he acted, but I also think it was really nice how he made it clear to her his thoughts towards women and how he can’t find it within himself to trust them and view them positively. Although, I guess, like he said, it is kinda ironic when his job is entwined with women. However, he seems genuinely perplexed about women, I wonder what his past will be like? It’s nice to see Shiori understand that regardless of the fact that she’s a woman, they’re strangers after all, so him not trusting her is fine, so now they just need to be friends and learn to understand and trust each other! I think that’s a nice and positive attitude, I like that~

I feel like the creepy presence that threw a rock at Shiori when they walked home together is probably some jealous woman but yeah~ glad that incident kinda pushed forward their sharing of phone numbers haha. I feel like I’m learning so many surprising things about Ryunosuke, like dang, Ryunosuke at the arcade winning stuffed animals? I would love to see that! Lmao at Shiori begging him to get her one from a series she likes, and he gets her the whole thing lol. I gotta say, Ryunosuke liking cakes and sweet alcoholic drinks is so different from his image, now all I can think about is him happily eating cakes hahaha. Omggg, drunk Shiori attacked our innocent Ryunosuke that was just trying to take her back home!! I feel sorry for the her next day that had to live with those memories that she licked his lips or whatever because she liked the sweet scent from the drink he had loll. And she even started kissing him, and he reciprocated! Like danggg. I’m really liking their chemistry though. They’re obviously interested in each other, but they want to know more about each other and be friends first, and I think it’s great! He consults her on opinions of things he thinks about such as why people seek for eternity, and she had a common answer but I still liked how it was worded. People do want to leave a piece of themselves behind, and I think the idea of putting something intangible into something physical was a really neat way of saying it. We may not “exist” after our deaths, but we can still exist in other ways~!

It was leading to it so it was obvious, but dang, Ryunosuke got stalked by his old secretary… That’s tough… Especially when she only exhibited that behaviour after he became CEO, kinda crazy that it ended up involving the police and trial to get her to stay away from him though. That would be pretty traumatising huh? Really gotta admire Shiori for being undeterred and saying she’ll protect Ryunosuke haha, it’s really sweet, but at the same time I’m so scared of their safety. As usual, I love how upfront they are with their thoughts towards their relationship, and I’m glad they both admitted their feelings, but want to resolve this secretary stalker problem first before they progress further, which is understandable. Ryunosuke kissing her forehead was cute~~

Them sharing their homemade lunches on a bench was so adorable! So cute of them complimenting each other’s cooking hahaha. Honestly though, I feel like with how crazy Itodani was, it’s kinda anticlimactic and a bit unbelievable that she would just let go of it all after Ryunosuke confronted her and told her to back off and find someone she can truly love. Really can’t see how that opened her eyes, especially since she had been harassing him for a long time, and had even harassed his previous secretary too! So yeah, unbelievable but whatever lol. I really like how Ryunosuke likes to do things properly, especially when he gave her flowers and asked her to be his girlfriend. These things don’t necessarily need to be said all the time, but I think saying it really makes things more official and laid out properly to the other person, I think it’s really nice to communicate your intentions thoroughly. Unlike Yorihisa in the previous route, she really doesn’t need to guess how Ryunosuke is feeling because they’ve both been very upfront about it and I think that’s what I love about their relationship. 

Considering how polite of a guy Ryunosuke is to everyone, and it was only when Mamoru told him to be more casual with him did he change, really puts into perspective how sweet it is for him to tell Shiori himself that she should talk to him more casually since they’re not strangers anymore. With how much he consults her opinion on his work, she might as well just become his secretary loll. Lmao that he’s been unconsciously checking out her body all the time because he wants her to be the new poster girl of Torenia since the current one has no passion or love towards Torenia’s lingerie etc. LOL when he so boldly said he wanted to see her in her underwear hahahaha, like I know it’s for work but the way he so bluntly said it was funny hahaha. I also liked how when she was a bit embarrassed to wear it after eating, he said that “a love that couldn’t withstand something silly like that would be no love at all”, I honestly thought that was really sweet, especially since he said it like a matter of fact. Honestly, now that I’m on Ryunosuke’s route, I’m starting to really see how bad Yorihisa was, I just realised that for all the crappy things he did, Yorihisa never ever apologised! Whereas, for Ryunosuke, when he knew that his recent busy schedule affected their relationship, he told her that she should be honest with her feelings about it, and when she told him she got scared that they were growing apart, he very conclusively told her that their relationship isn’t that shallow, but he also apologised for making her feel like that with his absence. And I think that’s what is so great about a Ryunosuke tbh. He believes in their relationship and their feelings, but he also makes sure to apologise for making her feel insecure just because he wanted to surprise her with the new brand he was working on.

I knew Ryunosuke was dedicating the new brand to her, but aside from the fact I never thought he would actually call it Shiori, I find it so much more touching that he did it because he remembered that conversation they previously had about leaving something tangible behind as a piece of themselves. I thought that was really cool and thoughtful, it really shows how much Ryunosuke cares about what they talk about. As expected, after her complaints about her job etc, Ryunosuke finally made the move to propose to her and ask her to be his secretary so he could always see her at work and at home, which is so cute hahaha. I have to admit that it was so silly yet cute that Ryunosuke was adamant about living separately after marriage until they could properly move into their newly built home. He’s so formal about it all, but I think that’s a nice serious side of him. Although I prefer how sweet the best ending was, the good ending was really good too! Loved how proactive and bold Shiori was, and she even teased Ryunosuke just to see him blush since she thinks it’s so cute, and it’s also because of his blush that she kinda fell for him haha.

Overall, I really liked Ryunosuke’s route, I feel like it’s going to be my favourite tbh hahaha. Mainly because I feel like they were both very mature in their approach towards the relationship by always being honest, upfront and communicative. Sometimes she needs the push from him to be more honest about her feelings but I think that just speaks more towards his experience with handling people and relationships, so I think even if she can be a little less mature at times, it just kinda shows how she needs his support in that area to grow as a person, whereas he’s older so he knows how to better deal with things? Anyway, doesn’t matter because he’s a gentleman and she’s forward so they match well, and it’s a much more balanced relationship than with Yorihisa haha! I also think it’s rather refreshing that usually when it’s the CEO stereotype, the stories usually kinda flaunt how rich they are with the maids, big houses etc to show how capable they are, but Ryunosuke really seems like a normal person that is very hardworking and capable. He does everything by himself, such as moving houses with Shiori and cooking etc, he knows how to take care of himself and others, and is very considerate, but at the same time it never really retracts from his image, it only boosts it to show that even if he’s very busy, he is perfectly able to take care of himself, so him wanting Shiori in his life is because he really likes spending time with her, and I guess it was refreshing to see Ryunosuke not be that typical CEO type. The only thing I didn’t like was how the stalker thing was resolved, but I really liked how Ryunosuke very slowly but naturally warmed up to Shiori, they had such a realistic relationship, I couldn’t help but swoon the whole time over how cute and natural it was.

[jenniferdiazisatransgirl]

10 Years

Hey guys,

So I’m presently at work doing a night shift and it is leaving me with a lot of time to think. Sat in a building full of antiques, where it is dead quiet. And of course we are in the last month of the decade. It is causing me to reflect and honestly, to think how much has changed, it is weird to even think. And to think where I am now, that’s quite weird too.

I started the decade, January 2010 still in my parental home, living with my homophobic and transphobic Mum. I was at college who were continuing the process of getting me out of my parental home. Something my school, Notre Dame Catholic High School started while coordinating with my local LGBT youth group and Connexions. It was a process that took awhile but the consensus from my school, college, GP, Connexions, counsellor and pretty much every other service involved was that I needed removing from my Mum’s house. I really couldn’t cope.

By June 2010, I was finally given a spot in supported housing. Moving didn’t go smoothly. I tried to sneak all my stuff out with £12 to my name while my Mum was at work. I had a lot of stuff and even with a friend helping I couldn’t get it all on a bus. I awkwardly rang my grandparents who had no idea what I was planning and they helped me move my stuff and get me set up with some essentials. I still owe my grandparents a lot for the support they gave me that first 2 years or so but I was so grateful. After that, me and my Mum wouldn’t speak to each other again until Christmas.

On the 24th October 2010, it was my 18th birthday and I got a phone call from Porterbrook Gender Identity Clinic. I had been on the waiting list since I was 15 thanks to a very understanding GP who went above and beyond to support me and although he was quite ignorant on trans issues, he did his best. That phone call was a fantastic birthday present though.

By Christmas 2010 me and my Mum were talking again. Our relationship was very strained but over the years, space has allowed us to have a relationship. The trans issue is kinda the elephant in the room which we don’t speak of but we at least sorta get along now.

For the next 2 years things wouldn’t go great and I would get more and more depressed and suicidal to the point where I was going to kill myself on my 20th birthday. I moved out of supported housing into a council house I was struggling to afford on a zero hour contract job and a pyramid scheme and payday loan companies took advantage of my vulnerable situation. At 19 I was too savvy with finances still and with no credit rating I had few options available to me. And meanwhile things at the GIC were so slow I thought I would never be happy and would never get to be myself. To make matters worse, I had no friends and only really went out for work which remember I had a 0 hour contract job at minimum wage. I pulled in £400 during a good month and my rent was £320 per month.

On the 22nd October 2012, 2 days before my 20th birthday (the day I was going to end it all), I got the news that saved my life. I was going to be put forward for hormones and by February 2013 I got my first prescription. With that came a massive boost in confidence and by May 2013 I joined a local LGBT youth group and began to make new friends. By September 2013 I started university training to become a maths teacher and things finally started to look up. I was busy everyday, I was having fun, I was increasing in confidence and things were finally starting to look up.

In Summer 2014 after a friend got kicked out of their parental home, I invited them to leave with me and agreed to split rent and bills. This turned out to be a mistake. The relationship turned sour and the living situation was so unbearable I was sleeping on a friends couch. She moved out in August 2015 but made sure to turn all my friends against me as they did it. All my confidence I’d built up, all the friends I made over that 2 years with the exception of 1 gone. It crushed me.

I stopped going to my local LGBT youth group and started to going to a group run by the Proud Trust in Manchester. I’d been on one of their residentials, had a few people I knew there and it was away from Sheffield where my life had been shattered. Between university and there, I gradually rebuilt my confidence and trust in people and made new friends.

In June 2016 I finally had my surgery and I was so happy, however I had some major post-surgery depression. This was when my asthma really started to play up too. 2 new friends moved in with me. And I adjusted to trying to figure out what my life should be after surgery. I’d tunnelled visioned to that goal for so long, once it came I realised I had no idea what I was doing after and I had put a lot of other issues on the back burner. I was overwhelmed to say the least.

By February 2017, my gender was legally changed and I was issued a new birth certificate. I also started this blog which has done wonders at helping increase my confidence and I thank you guys all immensely so thank you.

In August 2018, I dropped out of university having not even completed my second year after 5 years at university, lol and £45,000+ in student debt. It was a calculated decision and I had since September 2017 made my university aware I was planning on dropping out. University did it’s job, it got me where I wanted and needed to be. My career goals changed during university and a degree was no longer a necessity but the skills I learnt on my course were invaluable and I wouldn’t have the job and contacts have now without them.

Fast forward to December 2019; I’m a cover supervisor, tutor, exam invigilator, teaching assistant, event safety steward and car park steward. I where many hats in my jobs and honestly I have more than I listed I think. My finances aren’t perfect as I am still recovering from my years of being in debt, but they get better every year. I have a wonderful cat called Mr Gold. I have amazing friends. I’ve completed my transition goals. And I have so much further to go. I would like FFS one day, I still need some more hair removal, I want to go into pastoral care, it would be nice to have a job where I have contracted hours as I still do 0 hour contract jobs but over this last decade I have come so far from where I started out and I am so happy about that. If you told me in January 2010 this is where I would be by December 2019 I would be like, “No way. You are lying to me.”

I realise this is long but I just wanted to share and for anyone reading this who is back where I was in January 2010, I just want you to know it does get better. It may take a while but it does get better.

[unpickingthetangles]

All the questions in personality for Douglas and Hadrien (I have a feeling the "how others view them" questions will be especially fun for Hadrien lol)

Thank you so much for the ask!! Let me get right to it! 

P: Personality

1. what is their best personality trait?

Douglas: Dougie is a naturally compassionate man. It is sometimes to his determent, as he will act without thinking it through, (like buying Hadrian a house. That was not well received.) Although he is unaware of it in himself, he is also far more forward-thinking and open minded than his peers because of that compassion. He was the one that championed Navid’s career in the Fleet. If he was ever called to it, he would put in his support to desegregate the hospitals in the city of Albrunda. Douglas’ thesis paper for his final year of undergraduate study at the Fleet Academy was the fallacy of banning hundreds and hundreds of books under Loyalist Law. He failed that paper, and it is only because of his mother’s influence that he was able to get that decision reversed. He knew he was going to fail that paper and did it anyway because he knew it was an issue that needed to be addressed. Compassion with conviction, that would be Douglas. 

Hadrian: His acceptance of other’s lifestyles and their choices. Hadrian is in no position to judge other’s for mistakes. He is also very well traveled (by the time he is 35), so he has been exposed to every culture in Everlied from the poorest person to the heights of Princess Sabine of Unger. He also grew up in the Oar District, which was a well peppered soup of different cultures and disenfranchised citizens. He isn’t perfect, there many things other people do that he does not understand, but he does know that not understanding does not equate to a right to disrespect them. Lotti for example. She stayed with an emotionally abusive man for decades and Hadrian does not judge her for doing so, he is only proud that she is ready to leave. 

2. what is their worst personality trait?

Douglas: He will sometimes become that stubborn, foot-stomping, spoiled brat that family heirs are all expected to be. There is nothing in the world that Douglas could ask for and by that afternoon, it would be handed to him on a silver platter. This applies to physical things like new clothes or an entire house in the oldest and one of the most expensive districts in the city. It also applies to more intangible things, like wanting Hadrian to come on vacation with his family at a moment’s notice and pitching a fit when Hadrian can’t leave work for a week without starving. For example, Douglas lies to Hadrian and says he is having a little family trip to the capital for the New Year holiday. He knew if he told Hadrian that it would actually just be the two of them enjoying that stay, Hadrian would get cold feet and come up with an excuse. The lie was justified in Douglas’ mind because it was something he wanted and he knew best. (My boy might be a compassionate saint sometimes, but he has his faults.) 

Hadrian: There is a duality in Hadrian’s personality. He is both extremely selfless and endlessly selfish. The line is drawn in how close he is with the other person. If, say, a stranger needed a place to stay because they got sick, couldn’t work ,and got evicted, Hadrian would offer up his apartment for as long as it took to for this stranger to get back on their feet (which he does several times while living in the city). Then there are his friends like Redblum and Robina, two people who genuinely loved Hadrian at some point (like family and in a romantic sense, respectfully.) And yet Hadrian’s low self esteem allowed him to believe that leaving him behind as he moved on would not hurt them. Why would they care if he left? People are always better off without him (he believes this in a more abstract sense, but you get the picture.) This destroys Redblum, who takes all that anger and abandonment and becomes one of the most notorious sky pirates in Everlied’s history. His main goal? Killing off Douglas Blue. He even succeeded in killing George Blue in his attempts to get at Douglas. Hadrian responsible for that, because he was too selfish to stay. 

3. what of their personality do others love?

Douglas: There is a serenity that surrounds Douglas, despite his own anxiety and shyness. One could sit with Douglas in a private library, reading all day and drinking tea, and not feel at all pressured to speak. Sharing a dinner with Douglas wouldn’t require any need for small talk, or any conversation at all if one wanted. He is more soft-spoken that other men his age, more gentle in the way he approaches people. It is what attracts Hadrian the most to Douglas. He doesn’t have a bad word for anyone, wouldn’t want to speak ill of even the worst people. He inspires others to be better, softer in heart, and more understanding. 

Hadrian: This was answer partially above, but there is a minutiae to his engaging personality. Hadrian always listens to people when they speak. Hadrian will come off as deeply empathetic to another’s problems, no matter how small and no matter how emotionally removed he is from the issue. Douglas phrases this as, “You spend time with Hadrian and walk away feeling like everything wrong in the world can be undone.” Hadrian is also a very forgiving person-- too much so, sometimes. Gretchen is an excellent example. Navid hires her because she doesn’t believe Douglas is capable of capturing Hadrian by himself, so Navid goes out and hires an assassin to do the job for them, then Navid can swoop in and claim the glory herself. So Gretchen shows up and beats the ever-living shit out of Hadrian. The only reason she doesn’t do away with him right then and there is because Hadrian gets a stupid moment of luck. But afterwards, after Gretchen loses her arm and can’t return home, Hadrian forgives her and treats her like nothing happened. ‘You were just doing your job, I understand it wasn’t anything personal’, that kind of deal. Of course Gretchen is all “??????”. 

4. what of their personality do others envy?

Douglas: His resolve. (To be specific: he does not know he has this trait, and it is more obvious in his 30′s.) Take his spoiled stubbornness, compassion, and how deeply broken he is in his later years, and you get a man of 35 who has long ago stopped taking shit laying down. Despite the fact that they sometimes antagonize each other, it is his camaraderie with Commander Navid Mosse that brings out this sense of ‘actually, you know what, fuck you’ in Douglas. In example, how she came to join the Fleet: Commodore Douglas Blue stood up in a courtroom filled with hundreds of people ready to hang Navid for treason and told off seven of the highest judges in the land. This might seem like he contradicts his shy nature and inability to speak ill of other, but it doesn’t necessarily. It is the sense of compassion with conviction cutting through Douglas’ other inhibitions. He stood up in court to defend her because it was the right thing to do. To others around him, Douglas Blue is a walking monolith of ideals and principles. While Douglas believes he is a marshmallow man trying his best to do what is right. 

Hadrian: Hehas an innate ability to put others at ease very quickly. He’s got the kind ofnatural, rolling, unabated sense of humor that knocks walls down. Hadrian’s laugh and ease with others hits a unsuspecting person like five shots of whiskey. Itdoesn’t work with everyone, naturally. Douglas’ father hates him from the firstmoment and that doesn’t change over ten years. But Hadrian is phenomenal withthe the lonely and alienated. The way he carries himself, the way he speaks, itis as if he is one’s oldest friend. Within an hour of knowing Hadrian, mostpeople think they just made a true friend. Douglas is especially envious of this ability because he is so shy. 

5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities?

Douglas: He wishes he could manage his emotions better. While others will look at him and see a perfectly calm individual, on the inside Douglas’ emotions are in riot. The Gillidianens are proud of their military forces, and the Loyalists specifically use military-glorifying parties to boost support. That means Douglas has to attend several parties a year with his peers and he hates every minute of it.  When he was younger, it was easier to stay to the wall and watch others have a frolicking good time. Now that he is a celebrated Commodore, he can’t keep to himself. If he could change one thing about himself, it would be the ability to feel comfortable in a crowd of people. 

Hadrian: Hadrian is not the most introspective person. If he lingers on a negative thought for too long he will collapse in on himself out of guilt. So to answer this I will have to focus on what he doesn’t like in others. He will not stand for people who have to dominate another person to feel powerful themselves. Bullies, essentially, in all their forms piss Hadrian right off. It may take him a while to tell that person off (see: coward), but when he does it will be a wave of righteousness unabated. Thank you so much for the ask! You’re the best! 

[babiewonho]

thoughts on shownu nd wonho

[audio of calebcity’s anime villain laugh bass boosted plays] WOW….amira u truly want me dead askfjaskfj wow…Hyung Line…i’ll start with mister wonho bc that’s where my brain is takin me   Buckle up!! [this is 2k words when will i die]

my favorite fake maknae…mister babie..something i find very unique abt him is even tho he was supposed to be the leader   he also has a lot of youthful naive charm that matches more of a Follower type of personality. like while we saw him be a leader in no mercy, and he did an excellent job esp with gun being covered up for his lack of dancing skill, i think that is a very unnatural state of being for him, and he exerts an unfortunate amount of energy trying to lead others. he has the skills necessary but i think he overextends himself to employ them. his natural state of being is more of a follower in that that’s where he’s more comfortable. he stresses too much about keeping everybody happy at once and takes too much responsibility. he’s naturally a workaholic and sacrifices his health for the sake of work. 

so honestly i’m really glad he didnt end up being the leader and i’ll get more into leder shownu later :D but i take it as a blessing that he’s allowed to take more of a backseat and speak up when he wants to rather than always being in charge. tbh wonho is kinda Out Of It all the time and while i think if he was a leader he’d fight to stay in the moment i think he needs that time in his head to decompress. tbh it’s really funny that he cld have been the leader to me in no malicious way just bc he’s never There askfjasf like when minhyuk said he always needs to go looking for him bc he just wanders off and he’s getting coffee and he’s like what :D and he needs extra explanations and stuff all the time and minhyuk n the others need to direct him in what he’s doing all the time. 

that’s why i said the fake maknae thing bc in many ways he has a really youthful kind of innocence to him like just a silly child. like when ck took the glass away from him at the awards show so he wouldnt break it kasfjsa and then the bottle   like a big brother would do  and wonho was like :/ okay…and wiping his tears. we rly see a shift from him as a Hyung to someone who the others end up taking care of in a very natural way. there’s a big reverse dynamic there, in particular with him and changkyun. which is rly interesting! changkyun kind of steps up to be more mature in situations with him. it’s really cute…

when i think of wonho in the position of a hyung, i think it’s in a non traditional way. when i think of him i think of light blue and him being a Healer. he is a big reminder to stay in touch with your emotions and feel them. at the taiwan concert…i believe at least! that it was that one…when everyone was holding back their tears wonho was like just cry!! to hw in particular he said that there were a ton of people there to hug him and support him when he cried so he should just do it so he didn’t regret it later, and he has a very nurturing heart. he makes this one face…it’s like a mix of a pout n a sad smile?? when he pities another member…it’s a very gentle and empathic facial expression…i’m not used to seeing men make that face. 

so i think he DOES offer a form of guidance/wisdom as an older member but it’s not in a structural way if that makes sense like minhyuk saying “walk over here” or ordering them around it’s like a Healing presence..a calm spirit to offer Peace and Serenity. being in touch with his emotions i feel also creates an openness within the group where they feel better about expressing themselves, at the very least bc they cld use him as a scapegoat, which i dont think he’d mind. like wonho cried first!!!

part of his openness with his emotions is what makes him seem childish not in an unlikable way but rather…like he never got that Hard adult shell that makes people fear expressing themselves and their true thoughts. when he is happy he is brightly adorably happy he’s literally :DD just delighted and that brings out protective instincts in those who are around him which is another part of why he’s a fake maknae 2 me…he gets teased like everyone else but i dont think anybody cld have the heart 2 be mean to him his eyes are just too sparklie…also his LAUGH…is so loud and genuine and beautiful and it makes me feel such joy and it makes the others happy too  nothing is really funny to me until wonho laughs that’s like the official comedy stamp his :D smile n HAHAHAHA laugh  n his wheeze

he’s also really stubborn like a child which i find endearing but i know cld be frustrating sometimes but i find it funny askfjas he’s a baby…he asks for opinions n then doesnt care bc he already made his mind LMAO

he is also!! just so so full of LOVE. his heart is so big…he loves his family and monbebes and his members and he’s so transparent about it and it’s absolutely precious. he radiates love and puts a very beautiful calming blue energy into the world and everything about him is very gentle like body language wise. he speaks very softly even though he’s Loud sometimes the words come out soft if that makes sense. the way they are pronounced in spite of volume. he doesn’t spit out words and i think that’s kind of why he stutters so much they’re so soft n undefined they blend into each other. they need more shape…but he also holds things gently and doesn’t exert a lot of pressure in his fingertips. he’s very cautious and not aggressive and is not prone to anger, though he can get frustrated.

i really thank him for his honesty with fans abt how he’s feeling etc bc i think it creates a very nice friend like relationship. he rly cares abt keeping up updated and it’s so precious i feel genuinely cared for lmao…i literally take care of myself sometimes bc of his tweets like dont forget to eat etc and that’s so special

there’s more things i cant think of right now but u know…i cld happily do this forever but MISTER SHOWNU…ur time to shine (forever…)

NOW…shownu is the official leader which is also unique because nothing about shownu besides perhaps his powerful body commands Leadership our eyes are drawn to him because of this quiet power he exudes but he doesn’t have that dominant personality type in fact i find him a very passive person he’s not fussy at all and seems to value group harmony over his own personal feelings

i think sometimes being a leader is burdensome to him for the reason that he has more of a quiet let things happen personality but that’s what’s interesting. the members don’t respect him because he Commands their attention. they follow him instead rather bc they just respect him and Know he’s the leader. 

even though leadership doesn’t come naturally to him in the traditional sense and minhyuk often assists or does more tradition leader things and has to remind him to speak, he has a whole different form of leadership where he’s quiet but when he Does say something everyone just respects it and doesn’t question it. i feel ppl follow him out of respect and affection rather than anything like intimidation if that makes sense. they just look up to him and admire him and respect his wishes. 

he was a leader during no mercy and ppl followed him without question mostly. he’s really good at having a friendly personality but still making sure people focus during dance practice. ppl might think this form of passive leadership is bad but i think there’s no need for him to interject generally bc mx flows very well with their dynamic and doesn’t need to get adjusted much. he also imo has kihyun and minhyuk as co-leaders which happened naturally and not out of his inability to lead efficiently, so i think if he’s lacking in any way, they’re there to cover that up and i think this also helps remove stress from him.

shownu is also just so likable!! on running man they said when ppl dont talk much, strangely you want to pay more attention to them and i think that’s happened to shownu his whole life. people are watching him without knowing and then when he speaks they’re so pleasantly surprised because he’s so funny and most of it is said in such a flat way, like deadpan humor. he’s a comedy genius because what he says is so unexpected most of the time but also so powerful. if shownu said like…”legs” i’d pee myself laughing bc something abt him is so fucking funny and endearing and goofy and HIS laugh itself makes me laugh too like …he invented comedy lmfao he’s absolutely not boring that’s a misunderstanding of his personality  he definitely needs to get comfortable somewhere before his real personality is revealed but he’s gotten a lot better at that which is why he’s been advancing through variety and im so proud of him for that and impressed

also adding to him being so endearing the members just genuinely adore him and i think when he went to law of the jungle a taxi took him to the location and ck said to the cab driver “take care of him/drive safely” which is very sweet and just shows like the Depth of their affection for him. everything he does the members just find so cool and funny and endearing and he brings them a lot of happiness

he’s also such a good fit for the group because he’s so CHILL like minhyuk cld be gnawing jooheon’s leg off while wonho fights changkyun over a piece of shrimp and hyungwon is getting dusted by kihyun and shownu’s like :) i love my family and HE LOVES THEM SO MUCH LMAO like he genuinely adores his members and you can feel that too like not even just things like him giving up lines (hw in beautiful) or splitting his commercial earnings among his team which he didnt even want kh to say but he imagines himself doing things with them in the future like going on trips and he really sees them as his friends/family rather than coworkers and it’s so lovely and beautiful he’s just so goddamn fond of them lol

also hyung line with each OTHER is so precious bc wonho is rly like a little happy kid around shownu n shownu is so calm n chill and wonho is like :DD hello!!! n shownu pretends he doesnt care asjfsafj  it’s so funny wonho is just going around hoping for shownu’s love like he said in that fansign note n shownu ignores him n teases him asfkjasf it’s so cute when shownu teases it’s so funny it rly shows just how fond he is and shownu always laughs when wonho laughs and humors him?? and by humors him i mean wonho babbles a lot n makes little silly side comments and if shownu is within hearing distance he always tries to reply to those and he makes wonho giggle and it’s precious and he listens and shownu just really Understands the member’s personalities like when he said he likes when mh talks a lot etc he understands them and just doesn’t want them to change bc he loves the way they are like i kno that sounds fake deep but it’s true…

wonho is just so cute…n youthful around shownu i love the dynamic it’s amazing how similar they are in age like a year apart n yet wonho seems so young around him and shownu just teases him n theyve known each other for a long time n are so comfortable with each other n they work out together like…we love strong muscle men with hearts of gold …also this is just random but wonho pronounces “shownu” so cute n also i love hearing shownu say hoseokie like it’s just adorable shownu always calls the memebrs by their real names n fogets to say the stage ones like   who is even calling changkyun “I.M.” at this point   who is that….

[gryfstmne]

stuttering and confidence boosting conversation

gryfstmne08/19/2018 Finally caught up on my reading in the rooms here. didn't know I'd gotten so far behind Tiger08/19/2018 anything good? gryfstmne08/19/2018 I liked the stories  from earlier in here. dallunb08/19/2018 you read through yesterday, gryfst? gryfstmne08/19/2018 Yes I did dallunb08/19/2018 wow I was proud of the room or rather, the guys who took a supportive part in it XXXZERO808/19/2018 Hmm dallunb08/19/2018 zero did great yesterday gryfstmne08/19/2018 At least as far as when they started the discussion and then the first stories Yes he did. XXXZERO808/19/2018 Oh....thnx Tiger08/19/2018 You have a story for us @gryfstmne ? dallunb08/19/2018 the room tried to derail a couple of times but it largely held solid most of the day XXXZERO808/19/2018 Hmm gryfstmne08/19/2018 You are a bit of a mystery to me xxxzerob  you sound like a sub from your hesitancy and normal language pattern but you have been hypnotizing people for years before you tried subbing yourself from what I gather XXXZERO808/19/2018 I havent tisted too many people...but yes gryfstmne08/19/2018 Do you have a sense of confidence in your abilities to put someone under when you have a session? XXXZERO808/19/2018 Honestly...u get nervous every time  @gryfstmne Hi @Bear.UK Bear.UK08/19/2018 great to see you @XXXZERO8 how's everything? XXXZERO808/19/2018 Ok but stressful. U gryfstmne08/19/2018 So you are not arrogant which is a good thing  ,but you  are solid and strong sounding when you hypnotize someone right? XXXZERO808/19/2018 I have always done text..never voice Bear.UK08/19/2018 tired XXXZERO808/19/2018 But i try to be....i just....dont wanna mess up and want the sub when under to be well Bear.UK08/19/2018 but relaxed gryfstmne08/19/2018 Sorry I meant in your language when you text. You don't stutter when you are being the twist right? Bear.UK08/19/2018 good outlook @XXXZERO8 XXXZERO808/19/2018 Oh umm..t..thnx  @Bear.UK I dont believe i do  @gryfstmne gryfstmne08/19/2018 Text not twist argh Tist Tiger08/19/2018 Idk the "hesitant hypnotist" sounds kinda  good to me. Could work well. XXXZERO808/19/2018 Its ok Tiger08/19/2018 would get me to focus on their words XXXZERO808/19/2018 I...havent tried it honestly Bear.UK08/19/2018 have u been doing much? @XXXZERO8 XXXZERO808/19/2018 ...job hunting mainly  @Bear.UK Bear.UK08/19/2018 ah yes, you mentioned any progress? XXXZERO808/19/2018 I should have one now Bear.UK08/19/2018 oh great gryfstmne08/19/2018 I've heard that some singers are sick to their stomachs and almost terrified before they go perform but once out there they forget their nervousness and enjoy themselves like Barry manilla and Barbara Streisand .Do you enjoy yourself once you know it's going well xxxzerob? XXXZERO808/19/2018 I honestly stay nervous the whole time...i...i am glad if its going great and well... ...but i stay nervous the whole time....because...until the end...i..it mighthave an issue... gryfstmne08/19/2018 Argh autocorrect strikes again manilow not manilla though I heard Bette midler call him that once XXXZERO808/19/2018 I dont wanna feel that way But...i try to enjoy it when i trance Bear.UK08/19/2018 do it more often then @XXXZERO8 XXXz u just get used to it gryfstmne08/19/2018 Practice and time will make it easier and better, but by the sound of it , you already are doing great Bear.UK08/19/2018 yes XXXZERO808/19/2018 I am? gryfstmne08/19/2018 From what I read in the last 2 days room chatter ,yes you are Bear.UK08/19/2018 yes i think i read some favourable stuff XXXZERO808/19/2018 But as a tist...or just...as a person gryfstmne08/19/2018 Both Bear.UK08/19/2018 as a tist as a person it was never in doubt dallunb08/19/2018 zero actually ran the room gryfstmne08/19/2018 Favorable reviews as a tist and sound good as a person too Bear.UK08/19/2018 mmm dallunb08/19/2018 handled the unruly crowd Bear.UK08/19/2018 great XXXZERO808/19/2018 ...y..yeah gryfstmne08/19/2018 You already have one thing going for you a lot of tists don't. You care about how well the sub is liking and responding to you. Some tists couldn't care less about the subject. XXXZERO808/19/2018 I...i dont want others to feel bad

1 gryfstmne08/19/2018 Which is what will have you being a great one in the long run .emotional empathy for others  Is what makes for a better ,more understanding human being ,especially for a person in a role of power over others XXXZERO808/19/2018 O...oh ok t...then Bear.UK08/19/2018 yes that's right people sense that and are happier to trust u XXXZERO808/19/2018 O..ok Umm t...t..thnx gryfstmne08/19/2018 Think of it like Peter Parker and Spiderman .he was at first a shy ,nervous, angry ,misunderstood teenager who never had confidence in himself .then he got powers and became an arrogant ,narcissistic entitled idiot while in showbiz .then he realized his mistakes learned from then and became over time a confident easier going ,nicer guy even when he lost his powers for a time.he can sympathize with the villains or other people's motives and learned how to communicate with them enough so sometimes when his powers didn't do enough ,his feelings and imagining what was going on with them made all the difference. XXXZERO808/19/2018 Oh? Bear.UK08/19/2018 and it seems u are already a natural   at that side of things XXXZERO808/19/2018 Oh? gryfstmne08/19/2018 He started believing he was a good enough guy or a capable enough guy that caught the attention of others. In the end he got Gwen Stacy and Mary Jane Watson ,he hung out with every known hero in the marvel universe in his team ups ,impressed Tony stark ,captain America and Thor in his courage ,know-how ,and resilience and even became an avenger for a time XXXZERO808/19/2018 O...ok Jibberish08/19/2018 Wow waking up and seeing general not in it's old pattern Good work guys stonedskull08/19/2018 What pattern lol Jibberish08/19/2018 Hi. Hi. Morning. How is everyone. Hello. Bear.UK08/19/2018 hi Jibberish08/19/2018 Don't start bear I'm watching you

stonedskull08/19/2018 Hi Jibberish08/19/2018 Josh .... Bear.UK08/19/2018 me?? what have i done? do u know me better than i know u? Jibberish08/19/2018 Not yet o,o XXXZERO808/19/2018 ? XXXZERO808/19/2018 Hmm gryfstmne08/19/2018 If you want a more reality based story ,I am a shy introverted ,guy who always beat myself up and still care what others think too much .I never had friends ,was always attracting the verbal and sometimes physical abuse of others , never believed I did anything right and stayed that way for a long time like it was a self fulfilling prophecy of doom. But I learned to read by the hardy boy ,Nancy drew books which helped eventually open my imagination ,let me at least attempt to discuss the books with others and socialize a little ,and do better in school. I got jobs I could do ok at which built my confidence a bit. I finally joined the riverbears which introduced me to some real friendships ,some experience with sex and love and that I have something good to offer others in me and a sense of self. Then a friend dragged me to karaoke and got me to sing ...and I was terrible. But I got hooked. I got better over a long time but it built up my confidence in myself and made me feel better about everything I can't do .At least if I can do this even a little bit ok then I can have the faith in myself that I can try other things and grow a little.  I wouldn't be in any chat room much less the hypnosis room fumbling around if I hadn't learned something about myself and that I'm good enough to at least talk to people and believe in myself enough to keep putting myself out there no matter how many things go wrong and find a level of comfort in myself so" it's not the end of the world ,come too soon , it's just the end of the afternoon".(Curtis stigers song quote) XXXZERO808/19/2018 Wow....just ....wow gryfstmne08/19/2018 Give yourself some time ,keep going at it and remember people in here already know you have talent, you are likeable , and give yourself a measure of trust in yourself .You can do a lot more than you know and can do it well with time ,and practice Bear.UK08/19/2018 yes XXXZERO808/19/2018 O....ok gryfstmne08/19/2018 Do you stutter in real life or just in texting? XXXZERO808/19/2018 ...just texting normally....i...i have to hide emotions in rl Bear.UK08/19/2018 u can be yrself here gryfstmne08/19/2018 Do you want to stutter in real life or in texting? XXXZERO808/19/2018 No..i..i dont wanna Just...nervous Bear.UK08/19/2018 nervous is ok gryfstmne08/19/2018 Ok so based on what you said ,you speak normally in real life because you are guarding yourself and to blend in and act normal  but you do ok speaking normally ,would you say that is fair? XXXZERO808/19/2018 Yes gryfstmne08/19/2018 When you are hypnotizing someone ,you don't stutter even though you are nervous ,correct? XXXZERO808/19/2018 I...i try not to gryfstmne08/19/2018 Because you know anyone reading it might lose focus and you want them relaxed and happy as you bring them smoothly into trance XXXZERO808/19/2018 Y...yes gryfstmne08/19/2018 So the only time you truly stutter is when you are not focusing on the subject and just thinking of how you portray yourself normally in here? XXXZERO808/19/2018 ...when i am not focusing at all gryfstmne08/19/2018 I may be saying the wrong thing here and if so I apologize in advance... Do you like being underestimated? XXXZERO808/19/2018 No need to apologize And not at all

[xxmiaxx]

A Reflection on 2017

Well, 2017 has flown by- LITERALLY FLOWN BY. I guess that’s kind of a good sign, usually good things go by quickly. While 2017 was not without it’s struggles, I’d say it has generally been an extremely successful year for myself in so many aspects of my life. Just to recap- here’s where I’m at with the resolutions I made myself last year for this year:

-LOSE WEIGHT: This resolution was actually a pretty huge success. I’m down almost 30 pounds from the beginning of this year which is pretty awesome! I didn’t hit my goal weight of 125 (I usually sit between 129-135), however, I feel and look great and EVERYONE has noticed. Definitely a successful resolution

-Get Organized: I did my best with this one lol. In my studio (when I lived alone) I actually had EVERYTHING organized to a science, I downsized the vast majority of my belongings, revamped my wardrobe to only include things I actually will wear, and had a pretty solid cleaning regimen down. However, after G-Unit moved in, things got a little less organized. Then we moved to a bigger apartment which started out beautifully organized, but quickly got less and less clean. Overall I’d give myself like a 6/10 in this category.

-Be Consistent: As far as my weekly schedules, this category has been a huge success. I moved to a sister restaurant from the one I worked at in 2016 (the one that I said made me want to kill people lol) that I absolutely love working at, and my manager is SUPER chill about scheduling. I’ve had a very consistent schedule in terms of days and shifts/hours for the majority of 2017. In addition, I picked up a second job as a Graduate Assistant at my University, which provided a very structured schedule as well. And of course my graduate cohort has been consistent since I began, so most of the time I was pretty positive ahead of time what my work schedule would look like exactly. In terms of being consistent in terms of sleeping, eating, cleaning, etc.... kind of didn’t happen how I wanted it to (hence the 4:30 AM tumblr post). However, I definitely think having my schedule be so consistent helped a lot with my anxiety in general, although I did feel overwhelmed at times, ultimately knowing what to expect on a weekly basis helped a lot.

-Lock down a skincare routine: Definitely a work in progress. I found products/a routine that works well for my skin, but again, the consistency on my end wasn’t there. My skin has generally either stayed the same or improved a little, and definitely hasn’t gotten any worse than before, so that’s good!

-Find a job that doesn’t make me want to kill people: HUGE SUCCESS! Ever since moving from the bar I had previously worked at to the location I’m at now I have felt so much happier and more appreciated and genuinely enjoyed going in to work. My coworkers are fun, I’m respected by my bosses, and as an added bonus the money is SIGNIFICANTLY better than my previous job (2-4X as much per shift ON AVERAGE). My current boss gives me kick ass schedules and sections, I feel extremely comfortable to be myself and don’t feel judged like I had previously, and I think  my work performance reflects how happy I am at my new location. In addition, I picked up a second job in July at my University as a Graduate Assistant. While the title sounds pretty prestigious, I was essentially a glorified TA, in charge of grading student assignments, proctoring exams, tracking attendance, and holding office hours for tutoring/editing student papers. However, I honestly could not have been happier with the experience and look forward to continuing to work in my position next semester. Having a job in a more professional field has been a huge confidence boost, given me a great sense of responsibility, will look awesome on my resume (not to mention an awesome learning experience), and of course has padded my monthly income substantially. Both of my current positions make me feel so grateful because I know I’m genuinely liked and appreciated and FOR SURE not like I want to kill people (at least not for real (; )

-Work on being a cleaner person: I will say I definitely have tried with this, and in general I think I clean more than I have in the past. But in all honesty- a slob is a slob is a slob. It’s my nature and it’s a really hard nature to break lol but I will definitely continue trying to rectify this moving forward

-Say NO more and not feel bad about it: This is something I still struggle with. I still don’t like to say no to people as it makes me feel awkward, however, I’ve gotten a lot better at recognizing when I’m being taken advantage of and standing up for myself. I’ve done this professionally and personally, and I think this is definitely a skill I want to continue to practice and grow. Being a pushover sucks, but I think I definitely improved greatly this year.

-Drink less: Honestly, this category was probably my biggest success of the year. I cut drinking TREMENDOUSLY, to the point where I can recall being actually DRUNK only about 4-5 times the entire year. That’s CRAZY to me, because even in the past when I’ve been very focused on my goal, that is the lowest I think I have ever been able to honestly report. Granted, I still would have maybe a cocktail or 2 here and there every once in a while, but in general, I almost eliminated drinking alcohol from my routine. And, when I would grab drinks with friends after work or something, I was EXTREMELY responsible and able to limit myself to only 1 or 2 drinks and then call it a night, something I have NEVER been successful with. Eliminating the binge alcohol consumption has been AMAZING for my mindset, the way I feel, and how much I was able to accomplish in my life this year. Alcohol has DEFINITELY held me back in the past, and without it this year I flourished.

While my resolutions kind of speak for themselves, I want to break down all the aspects of my life and point out where they stand today at the end of 2017 and any major things that occurred this year:

Personal: My personal life is very low-key at the moment. There were MAJOR changes this year with who I interact with, how frequently, and how I feel regarding these interactions. The more this year went on, the more I was able to cut negativity out of my life and really focus on myself. I truly believe that the people in my life who are true, genuine supporters of me and real friends will respect this and understand why I had to make this decision, because I was being drained by people all around me. I also have noticed that there are a lot of people who still feel they can take advantage of me, and I think going forward this is going to be something I will definitely address.

Romantic: My love life did a full 180 in 2017. G-Unit and myself did rekindle our relationship back in January, and ended up getting engaged to be married in April. I am over the moon and definitely could not be happier with how this year turned out in this part of my life. Moving forward, I want to continue to grow with G-Unit and keep working together with living together, creating coping skills to work through arguments in a healthy way, and to generally fall more and more in love with him.

Professional: Professionally, I KILLED IT in 2017. I worked more hours this year than I have worked in any other year of my entire life. I think earning money and working hard has done wonders for my self esteem, financially I love being able to pay for things on my own and not rely on anyone else to supplement my bills,   and I just generally feel like working hard has taught me a lot about drive and dedication that I wasn’t expecting. Professionally, this year was one of the best.

Financial: Financially speaking, I definitely killed it again in 2017. I have more money in savings presently than I have had at any point in time EVER in my life, which is incredible. I make enough money monthly to afford all of my living expenses on my own (G-Unit and I split them of course, but if we didn’t I could still pay it alone which makes me extremely proud of myself). In addition, I make enough to afford ANYTHING I want to buy virtually at any time, which is a position I haven’t really found myself in before. I’ve gotten pretty good with budgeting and sticking in the general realm of my budget (you know +/- $100 here or there). The financial security has helped a lot with my self esteem and anxiety as well, so this year has been spectacular for that.

Educational: I’m doing extremely well educationally. After a somewhat rocky start to graduate school, I’ve really pulled it together. This year, I finished with a 3.3 GPA and am currently sitting at an A in the class I am in. I didn’t take any time off from my program and expect to complete it on time, which is completely amazing!

Emotional/Psychological: I definitely feel like the life changes that occurred in 2017 for me have had a really positive effect on my self esteem and confidence, and ultimately lowered my anxiety a lot. I still have periods of pretty severe anxiety, and definitely some bouts of depression here and there, but NOTHING like I experienced in 2016.

Physical/Health: I feel really great ending 2017 in terms of how I look. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight which feels really good, and I generally feel really healthy and happy!

This form of new years resolutions has been really awesome to look back on, so I will definitely be posting my 2018 resolutions out to the universe very soon! So thankful and grateful for the overall success I experienced this year, and can’t wait to see what blessings next year has in store :)

[loud-snoring-os]

Sweet, funny, easy to read, identifiable. This is a terrific and witty book for women looking for a fun read on motherhood and offers some real life great tips on how to bounce back after pregnancy. I was pleasantly surprised by this book and thought that it would be more of the same stuff written by the "celebrity mother of the day." Jill Simonian happens to have been on the opposite side of the interview on many occasions with such celebrities and now puts her real world experiences down in long form. In many ways, it's almost a memoir of her interesting life as an entertainment reporter and a glimpse into the life that she has with her husband and two adorable daughters. The book has the tone of Everyman and doesn't sound contrived or written by gun for hire. This is refreshing. I feel like she's talking to me directly as a friend. Go to Amazon

Chief Mom Officer in the Making! I have had the pleasure of meeting Jill a couple of times and she is a treasure! Once I knew she was writing a book and I was pregnant at the time I found out the subject had to do with Mommyhood I could not wait to get my hands on this one! I just had a baby a little over 2 weeks ago so I can speak to how it is helping me. Throughout my pregnancy I was having a bit of a tough time mentally adjusting off/on to the overwhelming feeling of the life altering changes to come (even though I LOVE children, and always wanted to be a MOM). I think when it actually happened unexpectedly I was not mentally prepared, but maybe this is just something no one really talks about and no one feels fully ready for! Thankfully, Jill was brave enough to broach subjects like this in her book and make them relateable and full of humor at the same time. From struggling to breastfeed to owning my new Mom Status there have been some high's and low's but generally all highs and I am grateful and in awe of little bundle of joy!!!! That said, I am so grateful for this book so far because I have found humor and comfort in Jill's quick wit and authentic way of putting things in perspective. I am now thrilled to take on the roll as CMO="Chief Mom officer" as Jill calls it and believe I have the "resilience" (also a big topic so far in the book) to do the job. For anyone that is a go-getter personality but needs a reality check and a moral boost when becoming a Mommy this is the book for you. It reminds me being a MOM is one of the BEST Jobs in the world if not the BEST but it can be daunting and confusing and this book is almost like a good friend providing some encouragement, wise words and laughs! Go to Amazon

Such a relief to hear honest and helpful feedback as a new mom I loved her advice for structuring your day, doing things for yourself, reminding yourself of your life before baby and being proud of all of the stages of life you've accomplished. It's hard enough going through pregnancy and delivery (esp a c-section)- but to experience those first few weeks in a fog is the toughest thing I've ever done! Thanks for such a fun easy and helpful read. Feeling like "Shutting down the milk factory" is even an option is a relief :) Go to Amazon

Fun, easy read This is a fun book about new motherhood and pregnancy. I do not agree that bottle feeding will help you "bounce back" but I do think it's nice to hear someone who bottle fed advocate for her decision. I've breast fed all 3 of my children because long term, it's easier. Go to Amazon

You will want to soak up Jill's smart and savvy pearls of wisdom What a FAB and FAST read for expecting moms! You will want to soak up Jill's smart and savvy pearls of wisdom. Go to Amazon

LOVE!! In "The Fab Mom's Guide", Jill plays the role of "your most sincere, fast-talking, no-nonsense, cut-to-the-chase-and-just-do-it friend." Her ideas are smart, creative, FUN and actually supported by science. Bravo, Jill, for cutting through the endless mommy reading clutter and giving today's women the Cliff's Notes to happiness after baby and beyond. Highly recommended. Go to Amazon

Fab book! Loved reading this book. Jill Simonian rocked this out of the park! I laughed, related and read some parts with my mouth wide open. Great read! Go to Amazon

Loved it! I truly enjoyed reading The Fab Mom's Guide - it was smart, funny, and full of great advice. It was such a fun read, I couldn't put it down! Go to Amazon

Finally, A Book For Today's Mother!! New baby Five Stars Jill Simonian is not afraid to be controversial and I love that about this book. Great advice! didn't even read it lol