#like it was a longterm “dream” like you dont think youre actually gonna get there

[kaelthas-dickrider]

yall im getting at least 200k inheritance

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

I got caught shoplifting a few weeks ago so Im gonna have a court proceeding (? if thats what you call it in english idk) in a couple hours and Im a little bit nervous but the shit I stole was only worth 7€ and it was my first time getting caught so I dont think it'll be too big of a deal. Honestly Im just glad I didnt get caught while I was stealing ~85€ worth of acotar books, because my punishment would not only be wayyyy harsher it would also just be embarrassing, imagine stealing sjm books when theres so many good books you could steal from a bookstore

Anyway, speaking of acotar books, its livebloggin time. Last time, Feyre and Rhysand came to this cabin in the woods/inn in the middle of nowhere and stayed in a room thats so small that you couldnt even have sex in it and then they had sex. not penetrative sex, they just fingered each other. Which is to say Rhysand fingered her vagina and Feyre fingered his wings because god forbid a man be on the receiving end for anything other than a blowjob. Also, I guess Mor, Cassian and Azriel are somewhere else? I didnt wanna say anything about them being gone bc I just kinda assumed they were staying with Feysand but they seem to be gone. whatever I dont care about those guys anyway

Chapter 49

Feyres internal declarations of love and wanting to be with Rhys forever feel very shallow when you consider the fact that 1) theyve only had like 3 months worth of non-traumatic interactions with eachother, and 2) she thought the exact same way about Tamlin and then she DIED FOR HIM and then she left him after barely half a year

'"You know exactly that I would do anything for my people and my family."' 'Your people' consisting of one (1) city

Feyre's pussy feels slightly raw from getting fingered hours ago?? thats not a good sign.

'"I'm not gonna turn away from you. Not from you," I promised him quietly.' honestly, i can believe that, if you can fully forgive someone for physically torturing and sexually assaulting you after like a month or two you can forgive them anything, I have no idea why Rhys would be worried about that

can you imagine if Rhysand got shot with poisoned arrows and he just died right here. Life could be a dream but alas, I live in a nightmare world

I actually really like Feyre going feral over her love interest like this (even if that love interest is Rhys) I dont we're gonna get much more of that in this series so I shall savour it

Yeah, now that she mentions it, how come one ash arrow was enough to straight up kill Andras but Rhysand gets hit by like a dozen and hes just fine after this. I guess it could be that Feyre shot Andras in the eye so it was more lethal than Rhys getting shot in the back and wings but still, afaik there are no longterm consequences from this, like hes not even gonna have to deal with idk, his back hurting at certain points or something

Im not a fan of Feyre being so murderhappy now when she was reluctant to even kill animals at the start of this book, like at a certain point Im not so much bothered by Feyre's character being retconned from ACOTAR but her character from start of ACOMAF

Damn I didnt think the sex would be anything other than a pointless diversion, but here it is, being plot relevant

How come these guys have been torturing him by just stringing him up and leaving the arrows while they whip him, if I was an evil torturer and had just gotten my hands on a guy with wings Im sawing those badboys off immediately. or should i say batboys ahahahha.hahha

Oh, just a splinter of ashwood can he deadly but of course Rhysand is gonna be pretty much fine after being impaled with seven whole arrows

'"And Elain would love [Velaris], I'm sure of it. Although she would probably cling to Azriel the whole time, looking for safety."' smth about that line feels icky to me, I think its the fact that I dont think Elain actually properly interacted with Azriel at this point and also, Velaris is a perfect paradisical city what on earth would she need his protection for there

ughhhh all this bullshit with the dresser is so unbearably annoying

I guess I'll see how this all actually pans out next chapter, but right now I gotta say I dont like the fact that Rhysand's wounds just heal on their own, I couldve used some good whump with him. And Im not just saying that because I dont like him and Im a sadistic little bitch, even though both of those things are true, Im saying this because I think seeing him in a vulnerable position for an extended time would make me like him more

[gg-selvish]

sapnap/unresolved georgenap in rules

someone on retrospring asked me for sapnap's perspective in rules because it's pretty underdevlopped in the fic so here's my answer so i have it saved because it was fun to talk about

ok i. ran out of time for sapnap in rules and i will be the first to admit that. sapnaps arc isnt very as satisfyingly resolved as dreams and thats because the dnf damage was just so intense and so fresh it took priority over longterm hurt but. theres a lot there that he went through thats implied and also in my personal headcanons of unwritten lore that implications stem from that i dont describe well or explore enough in the actual fic (sorry self burn booooooo)

rules is sapnap fell first george fell harder. 100%. its established in chapter 1 that sapnap had a crush on george since they were young and it was implied that george knew about it for most of the time of their friendship because it would be brought up casually/jokingly and while george thought it was lighthearted (and, once they got together, irrelevant) it was pure torture for sapnap.

loving both of your best friends is very difficult, if you could imagine. in my head dreamnap eased into each other better than georgenap did (emotionally) but... thats not really hard to do. dream and him established probably pretty similarly to treacherous in that it didnt take too long for them to realize their feelings for each other, but in rules george is more present so they get together faster because as we all know dreamnap are kind of scared of each other while george is the worlds biggest instigator. dnn complete each other yadda yadda im getting sidetracked

so they establish that they want each other and start this relationship but we're gonna math it out. sapnap isnt getting words of affirmation (outside of e-sex like praise no i love yous) or physical touch from george. he's getting words of affirmation from dream but limited physical touch due to The Rules (wooooooo). another thing thats quick in the fic is that dreamnap kinda lock away from each other because they Want to be together and theyre Not Allowed To so u can imagine the strain that would put on all of their dynamics. theyre so close but limited to compromise with someone who cant even say i love you or touch them like its Hard bro and theres resentment that comes from that piled atop the years of teasing for feelings that sapnap can never even be sure are reciprocated are u kidding????

so not only is there this prodding and underlying making fun of sapnaps feelings at regular interverals and overall memeing on him for YEARS theres george putting him in a painful position in the relationship too. more resentment. the piles getting pretty high, huh? and then they meet. theyre together. and its george but its also someone completely different. suddenly he's being worshipped and touched like gold with the kindest words whispered and he slips into subspace and feels so safe and he loves george so much why does it have to be so hard?

so he settles for when it's not hard.

he consents to cosigning the breaking of dreams heart and lets george sleep with him alone because for just a few minutes or hours he can pretend he means something to george. because he has doubts. maybe id go so far as to say theres times where he really doesnt believe him at all. but he does believe him when he's combing fingers through his hair and letting him taste love on his tongue

i think a lot about dreamnap in oklahoma. how sapnap felt to sleep in the same bed as dream and want to be with him alone the way they were when george was on call but he cant. all the while knowing if george was in his place he could do whatever he wants because hes on another wavelength

more resentment. george always wins, isn't that so unfair?

and when sapnap comes back different. that line is important and holds a lot of weight. thats when he got tired of george being unfair and dragging him through the mud and he wanted to be strong against someone who makes him weak so he tries so hard even though hes being torn in two and he's so tired, can you imagine? so he stops the unsafe scene. more resentment builds. he's done with george. he cant take this anymore. hes ruining everything and so he pulls away from him even more

and then he gets drunk and george crawls under his skin and he fails and can you imagine how much he was beating himself in the head for that? after being so strong and maybe he felt excluded a little because of it but he wasnt being weak and then george fucking makes him weak again and dream catches him and it all blows up because he was weak

and still. even with sapnap and him on the chopping block. george does not say i love you.

sapnap defends him in the fight. and george still doesnt say it.

it takes dream taking him apart and nearly forcing vulnerability. and sure sapnap is told first but was it because of him? do you think he'll always wonder if it was always going to be dream fixing george and never him? do you think he would feel resentful about that as well?

there's a lot of negativity in him. he's been really dragged through it and treated like shit and theres a part of me who has this perspective and sees rules!george apologists and wonders if theyre thinking about any of this. if any of it is even detectable in the tiny one liners i slipped in because i was going too fast

rules is about george at face value, but it's also kind of about dream, and it's definitely about sapnap.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

thanks to @cigaretteburnslikefairylights for tagging me w this ask meme......everyone out there who also likes to fill out ask memes coz we’re gay just feel tf free to copy/paste that shit

A - Age: 24

B - Birthplace: VA....ive never yet lived anywhere else smh

C - Current time: 10:46p

D - Drink you last had: uhhh it was like 2/5 coffee & 3/5 milk + a lil bit of choc syrup i threw in there like fuck it lol

E - Easiest person to talk to: idk there’s a bunch of ppl im chill w

F - Favorite song: n/a

G - Grossest memory: umm idk once it took me like a solid 50 min to take a moldy box out of a mini fridge

H - Horror yes or horror no: like the genre overall? yes

I - In love?: no

J - Jealous of people?: sure yeah lol....its not like personal like fuck you, person, but i feel jealous abt basic ass things. i want that and am annoyed its beyond reach, at least. but for fairly basic things i dont have like friendship or excitement or any element of life im satisfied w so im not too upset w myself for feeling jealous sometimes of other ppl. i think it happens for everyone and its not inherently a sign of u being evil or whatever

L - Love at first sight or should i walk by again?: god if someone tried to use A Line it would be like we cant even be friends but also no. you can accurately get an immediate good vibe from someone & be interested / attracted to them but i dont think the love ppl talk abt for longterm, serious relationships is the same thing you are gonna immediately sense w someone within 3 sec

M - Middle name: starts w B

N - Number of siblings: i have a younger brother and older sister

O - One wish: damn uhh......it’d fuck up the whole world like take it back to british imperialism and shit and be like...no. but how far back in european history can we trace the roots of that. it would get complicated

P - Person you called last: nooo clue

Q - Question you are always asked: every time ppl ask me abt my being quiet its too much. its always some rhetorical ass shit like what am i supposed to say. also im actually secretly talkative, im just quiet in situations and around ppl i dont want to talk to. if im especially silent around you dont talk to me ever........

R - Reason to smile: .....funney video

S - Song you sang last: umm heartbreaker by taio cruz? or is it called break your heart

T - Time you woke up: first it was like 7am and then i was like naptime and had a great dream about being on a roadtrip in an rv and enlisting the help of a nun to find fellow gays in the area, and it was successful. had some weirdly fun, positive dreams the past couple nights, and both times abt being gay. anyways then i woke up and it was like 12:30 and i was like yoink

U - Underwear color: i just checked and its this black/green/magenta deal. fashion

V - Vacation destination: idk..........i’ll do the camino de santiago, does that count as a vacay? i guess it can be.

W - Worst habit: eternal procrastination i guess. just how i roll. but actually its that i always kinda bite my lips and need lip balm on hand 24/7 all my days

X - X-rays: have i had any? dentistry yeah

Y - Your favorite food: i always just go with ice cream but i dont really have any. how abt this sauce you make w chicken stock and butter? delisaus

Z - Zodiac sign: pisces

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

What’s your impossible?

1:06pm

So, like literally for the past month or so I’ve been without a job. I didn’t want to go back to being overworked at BigLotto where they overworked cause I didn’t set any boundaries on what I would and would not do or when I didn't want to be on shift. Because I was desperate. 

And looking back...thats kinda how I was with my relationships and friends. It was nice being reassured to give my all to someone or something, but still it wasn’t enough because what I was doing for that job, that person...I wasn’t officially happy with it. I was ok. I just kept saying “I’m ok”

But I’m not. I said I could handle it, and even at the retail jobs I worked for minimum wage, I was ok with getting some amount of money. It was as if as long as I’m getting paid for it and I get time off, we cool.

But, I've been doing that for the past five years....

I had no idea I had been doing customer service for that long until I had to redo my resume one good time.

I was like fuckkkkkkk, bitchhhhhhhhh.

We need to change. I can’t live off of retail jobs. My back hurts enough as it is.

So then my mom and dad has been pushing me to “go corporate, go corporate” cause that’s what they have been living off of to support my family. Corporate salary jobs or managing auto factory lines. 

Sorta like get in where you fit in.

But as I’m scrolling through these jobs.....most of these corporate propaganda jobs I don’t really care about. They’re fucking boring. I’m just looking for something that doesn’t tire me, stress me out with bullshit, something that I’m ok with getting paid for, and pays me well so I can buy my loft that I always dreamed of getting. You know..consistent money.

And then I watch this guys TedX after I searched on YouTube “how to find a longterm full-time job to commit to?” 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpe-LKn-4gM “How to find and do work you love by Scott Dinsmore.

I thought wow, great excellent speech, great pointers. I even took notes. 

But then I thought “how am I gonna get my loft by doing a community garden, building houses, making organic goat soap and milk, raising chickens, making an urban farm, building cheap, portable housing for the homeless, cbd, singing and writing music, traveling to other countries, teaching art classes, teaching therapy sessions, helping animals, building art installations, dancing/singing theatre, party planning, organizing community events/cultural festivals, inspiring others to think healthy, positive thoughts, design clothes, paint masterpieces, building art installations, blowing glass, welding metal, making pottery and windows, constructing furniture, build a cafe, make an adult playground, marriage counseling, and selling therapy bible study books out my renovated living van?” 

“I’ll probably need a lot of money to start?”

He asked what inspires you and a lot of shit came up....sorry.

He said “What do you think is your impossible? Push past that limit. What do you think you can't do? What did others say you couldn’t do?”

And then I just thought “Bitch, just pick some fucking baby steps. You do too much.”

I’ll probably have to live on some lady’s farm in Oregon to learn how to raise chickens and goats Lol. But if that’s what it takes, so be it.

Better than climbing up a corporate job ladder to be a marketing manager about products that actually hurt people. I hate sales and I hate being forced to put a smile on for shit I don’t care about. 

It’s like when mom used to make me wash dishes and ask, “You got a problem?” 

No, I just don’t see how me cleaning up after you and your kids because I live here is supposed to help me grow into an independent adult. I told you I wasn’t thinking about kids at age 12, so why start now?

“Shut up and fix your face.”

Nahhh....I think I’ll start somewhere else Corporate America. I need a job that’s gonna teach me how to accomplish my dreams. Not keep me down to where I can’t make them happen on the weekend because of my 40 hours a week of boring. Sorry, its just not for me.

I would rather live in a cabin in the woods than to force myself to care about something that isn’t for me or that Im just “ok” with.

I never truly understood why mom would come home so pissed and frustrated at me about her job. But then I realized, she had me at 22 during her last year in college, didn’t want to tell her job that she had a kid, but was a factory supervisor for years while we were in Florida. And then they closed the plant and she had to move to Mississippi. She was depressed and I didn’t know it. She would always tell me “Sometimes you gotta do things you don’t wanna do.” 

After she told me her job made her depressed, I said “then why work there?”

She said “dont you want me keep buying all those new clothes and games?” 

I said “I’d rather see you happy, than depressed, sad and upset. I don’t care about those things. Cause You’re more important to me.”

And then she quit.

Pray for me y'all. I don’t wanna go down that path my momma went down until it was too late.

[dahliias]

hello children it me theye. i am playing my love, my life, dahlia. you can read about my trash monster below n as always pls come plot w me ,,,,, u all know how i feel about plotting 

lmao so. this is dahlia day hayes, aka twin sister to dexter hayes, aka the sensible one

jus call her dahlia . there are nicknames her Favorite People can use (dee namely) but if ur not someone she actively likes she’ll probably pour her drink on you lmao

ok so dahlia is 22, bisexual but its like a men 5 / 95 women thing , like she can appreciate the male form but 100% if u dont eat ur girl out she will 

so dahlia grew up in new york with a really irresponsible mum and a constantly growing family; her dad abandoned her, shes got 5 younger siblings she helped raise, it was a real fun shitshow

basically her entire life up until about 16 was her family -- dexter, her siblings, her mother, she was consumed with morning routines, bedtimes, diapers, sick children, dishes, laundry -- she had almost no personality outside of “caretaker”

except .... dahlia is lowkey p freaking amazing up in her head ? she’s amazing at engineering and math. she can fix microwaves, toasters, ovens, driers, cars, blenders. if something broke in the hayes household, it’s dahlia you’d hear little voices screaming for. 

she also has a calculator up in that head of hers. she’s been doing advanced calc since 8th grade, and senior year she was bored in two different ap math classes.

when she was 16 she decided that she wanted to try to make something of herself. she thought if she could claw her way out of the poverty-stricken mess, she could eventually bring her siblings with her and they could live a good life

so she applied for hundreds, hundreds of scholarships, met with college representatives, took her s.a.ts three times to get her 2300, -- all behind her family’s -- and dexter’s -- back

mid senior year, she found out that, against all odds, she had managed a full scholarship, living costs + relocation fees included, to berkley. with this knowledge, she pushed herself, and graduated with a 4.5.

she didn’t know how to tell her family, so she waited until a family dinner a few nights after her 18th birthday that she’d be leaving them. it broke her heart, but she desperately wanted to pursue her dreams, she wanted to know more about the world, and see more things than just the view from her crowded bedroom. 

she left for berkley in august -- and it was nothing like she expected? it was horrid. overwhelming. her dorm room was too empty. she missed her family. it was like they were inside of her, ripping her to pieces trying to drag her back to them.  she loved berkley, and finally had found a place she truly felt like she could belong and flourish, but she couldn’t handle being so far away from her twin, her babies, and her mother.

during spring break, when she finally saved up through work study to return, she dropped out and stayed with her family again; she hated herself for giving up something she was so excited and passionate about, but she felt like she couldn’t justify leaving her kids just to be selfish

so she adapted. she started working, although illegally, at a little nightclub as a waitress -- it helped, some, that she looked young, because sleezy drunk men were always willing to tip a young-looking blonde a little extra. 

she did a fair bit of illegal shit too -- she stole, she cheated, she pickpocketed, she conned, -- and eventually she ended up in underground fighting

she’s good, too. at first she came home with the shit kicked out of her every night, but she learned to anticipate the throws and learned where to hit to make it hurt, and how to use her body to hurt other people. 

she only fought on the weekends, but it was enough at the time

dahlia also grew angrier. every morning when she got home from a fight at 5 am and had to slather drugstore concealer all over her face to help get the kids up for school and out the door, she hated that -- once a genius with potential -- she let herself become a criminal. 

when dexter left the family, she grew hard; it’s hard to learn that you can’t even trust your family, but she learned that. she started working double-time, with half the time to sleep, waitressing and pickpocketing, fighting in safe rings on the weekends didn’t cut it anymore, so she started to go to rings where she would be pit against grown men; it was riskier, but the pot was much larger. 

eventually, one of the various dads of her siblings came back into their lives and tried to push in as “father,” and her mother, a wreck, let him. he told dahlia he wanted her to work on moving out because she was a bad influence on his kids, and dahlia was furious -- who was this man? a stranger who had left her family in the first place?  she refused, obviously. 

as time went on, the man became more and more aggressive with her, leading to an actual physical fight. she hurt him, and he kicked her out of the house she’d been raising her siblings in basically since she was a first grader.

she had literally no one -- so she took what money she had from the last few weeks, and put it together on a debit card. her plan was stupid and half-baked, but she decided that she would track down her wayward twin and force him to return with her so that she could get back the only purpose she had anymore -- her family.

dahlia’s not a nice girl. she doesn’t pretend to be. she’ll be perfectly cordial and nice, but if you pull a tone with her she’ll go 0 to bitch in ten seconds lmao. 

she’s not afraid of very much at all, and she has literally like four switchblades on her at any given moment, even though she’s definitely dressed like some mannequin at forever 21 lmao

she always has a lighter or a box of matches on her, and when she gets restless or agitated, she starts striking the matches, shaking them out, and throwing them on the ground, or flicking her lighter open and lighting it over and over again

she’s v unimpressed w the male population. thank dexter and her dad for that lmao 99% sure her favorite water bottle dead ass says “male tears” on it

honestly dee is so ?? edgy n mean n tough ?? but she dead ass dresses like any other lil preppy thing w her shorts n skirts n her sheer ass shirt and heeled boots, she loves the hot weather in marbella so far so she’s just like yes please i love shorts and i hate jackets

she had never actually seen the ocean before bc berkley isn’t in beach county, so when she got to marbella and saw the ocean in person the first time she finally found the one thing that scares her and takes her breath away lol

so sometimes she just sits in the sand looking at it bc she hasn’t plucked up the courage to go and play in it yet shes honestly so intimidated by the ocean . she’ll never admit it bc she is the Man Of The House but still 

it took her a while to hunt down her brother, she started in france and ended up here via hitch hiking and sneaking into trains, she has no fear its insane , so she’s probs only been in town like 2 weeks. 

she’s currently staying at a lil youth hostel so she only really has a nice army backpack full of three or four mismatched outfits and a toothbrush and a phone + charger that only works w wifi. she’s stealing toiletries from tourists and makes a living pickpocketing atm 

she’s probably going 2 be too easy to convince to kick back bc she hasnt had a goddamn day off in 4 years

when shes mad move anything breakable out of the way and do not stand close to a bar because she will throw a beer bottle at your head and she will destroy everything you own

the only ppl in the world who see any gentility to her are her baby siblings and they’re not here are they ????? 

if she Adopts u she will show u how soft and sweet and lowkey maternal she can be, but otherwise nah

i genuinely am so brain dead now i cannot think of many plots but i have 3 i really want below so pls:

someone who she can stay with in the longterm -- just because she’s gonna be here for a while and there’s only so long she can pay the fees to stay at a youth hostel and live out of a bag honestly she’s gonna want to buy a bra and wash it regularly; i’d love if these two actually get along well whatever that means. like she’s not a horrible roommate bc shes spent her whole life cleaning up after other ppl but she’ll probs steal ur clothes bc shes not gonna buy her own lol

someone who can help her just fucking unwind for two seconds like girl needs to chill i swear ?? like get her drunk. get her to actually stand in the ocean. let her listen to music and eat good food. she’s never got to be a teenager, she needs that

a person who lowkey caught her with their wallet in her hand and was like dude wyd?? and instead of throwing a punch or calling The Law Enforcement Officers they actually stopped for a sec n now the two are unlikely bffs and they are her Emotional Support even tho shes mean and bitchy and likely is gonna be like “sad??? sad?????? i do not feel that emotion. nut the fuck up.  ‘sad.’ what a pussy”

[insidiousflame]

Things in my life aren’t bad. But i just come to this blog whenever i need to vent about something. Where I last left off, I was feeling very lackluster in my relationship. Such feelings have once again passed.  We’ve been helping kait and saulo move recently into their new apartment, and its gotten me and chris thinking about how things will be when we finally move out together (as well as being married). Things aren’t exactly as hopeless as they seem. It wouldn’t be easy to make the payments while living a comfortable life, but i think if we ever made the jump, we could find ways to make it work. On some level i think anyway... But this is the year I hope we both really get to sort out our current issues (mainly his money debt) and prepare ourselves for moving out. Hopefully we can find a place sometime next year. As far as getting engaged, i think the main issue has been not being able to find or decide on a ring. Especially since my ring size is so small and i can be very particular about what I want. I dont want something super cheap that wont last most my life, but at the same time i know he cant afford an expensive ring and we are both eager to just get engaged and married in the years soon to come. I wish life could be like a fairytale where all of this stuff wouldnt be a problem. I would be in a relationship with like the perfect guy and then he would surprise me with a beautiful ring in a beautiful setting and money wouldnt be an issue. Also, thinking of a wedding in realistic terms is also kinda disappointing. I always imagined a church wedding like my parents did. But now I don’t even think we will be able to afford that. Honestly, it will probably turn out to be some backyard or park wedding with a small amount of people. Cheap. And...lacking that magical romance. I’m just getting so tired of waiting to move ahead in our relationship with each other. Putting our relationship on hold for things that cost so much but yet mean so much in our heads and hearts. I’m 24 fucking years old but yet i still feel like a child. But when i see or think about my age, its like “bitch you should be running the world already like all adults do.” You should be knowing what you’re doing. Being responsible. Hard worker. Smart. Making that money and dealing with life. But it’s all so hard. Especially with my anxiety that not even I have much control of with medication. I’m scared of really moving up and allowing more hours cause that means more responsibility and expectations that i cant handle. Especially right now. I’ve been having so many conflicting and depressing thoughts about what I’m even aiming for in my life. I wish I had this one thing that I loved to do so much that I could create things without having too stress much about it and just be naturally amazing or so driven and interested that learning and practicing was just fun. Being an idol? Like a jpop idol? Am I dumb? How silly is that? Oh cute you dance around all cutely while singing in japanese in front of a small crowd that doesnt even really care about you. You really think you can become anything here in america? You really think that this group your in is going to amount to anything? Seeing other people make music and have music videos who didnt even appear to originally want that for themselves and suddenly being able to do it cause they have the money to do so and the talents its just so. fucking. frustrating. I want that so bad. I want someone to help make me a song. A song i can write and sing and they can make an instrumental for it to make my song and lyrics come to life and i can be like the star ive always dreamed of being. I’ve always wanted fame and recognition. But was my need for these things ever because i loved to entertain people? NO. I wanted to do it because I wanted to express myself. I wanted to express how i was feeling. But I can’t even write much anymore. The words i can choose from are so few and i dont even know how to express myself now. If all those piano tracks i wrote over WERE my actual talents and original songs, nothing would have changed. Im still a nobody. I still can’t support myself with any of this. I’m just trying to have fun and do something that brings me life. but everything ends up being a chore for me. It ends up tearing me up inside. And then over and over again i want to give up and im in this vicious cycle of going no where. And im just going through my life, trying to remain blissfully unaware of all the thoughts that are saying im wasting time. oh yeah im gonna sing stuff. and do dance things on youtube. and then suddenly what? suddenly ill get a big following? What do i expect? what do i want? What is the end goal? AND THATS JUST IT I DONT HAVE ONE. I dont have any longterm goals or real dreams cause to this day i dont know if anything im doing or desiring is anything i actually want. And so...im just fucking around in life. Im just fucking around. Trying to find meaning. Trying to find a place. something. anything. whatever it is to feel something. worth something. useful and adding something to life. im without passions and drive. without dreams. im just blind.