#like it takes itself more seriously cuz thats how I have THE MOST fun...

[majachee]

Omg its Stygian's adoptive brother and sister...

[shirefantasies]

okay! im about to read your newest the hobbit post but i had a little question that might be hard to answer and if it is thats cool! i was just wondering how you seem to seamlessly get all the dwarves in character. even when the movies and stuff don't focus on them. It's like every time i read your works it's ALWAYS SO IN CHARACTER and it's so good but im so amazed with how you do it when the dwarves arent all focused on much. its amazing. im thinking of trying to write my own for them, similar to what you do kinda, but im scared of not getting their characterization right!

First off, I can’t wait to see what you write 🥰 if you do requests maybe I’ll shoot you one hehe

Ooooh well this is an interesting question for sure! Well characters/characterization has always been like a special interest of mine and it's an honor to hear I do it well! This is gonna be loooooooooooooooooooooooong but I kinda want to go into examples for them all hehe

So overall I'd say: Keeping period-accurate language and just their culture in mind is important. Trying to avoid too many contractions and colloquialism from our time and things like that. But for more specifics I think it's easy to fall into stereotypes, even in the movies themselves and it's sort of like a mix of leaning into those and going outside them in the right blend? But I'll explain my thought process for each of them by family cuz I wanna talk about them 🤔😆

Balin, Dwalin: Balin is one of the characters less stereotyped because his role is more prominent. He definitely serves as a guide and source of wisdom, but also has the background of being an "old warrior". He's quieter and more level-headed than some of the other more boisterous characters and I see him as being (healthily) protective in relationships because of his guiding and caring. Dwalin is also a warrior and that tends to come more forward, but he also loves good food and cares about people. He, too, is protective even if it's more of a rough way, and I think he likes the feeling of being needed and being able to take care of people even if he acts like he doesn't. That's a bit of a headcanon, but again, looking beyond stereotypes I guess hehe~

Oin, Gloin: Oin is mostly known for being the healer, maybe the hearing jokes. But he’s also a jolly soul and obviously quite intelligent too. I think he’s almost the most balanced between the raucous, axe-wielding mining dwarf stereotype and the more intellectual side not stereotyped for them… which is silly in and of itself! Oin is smart, funny, experienced…but he still knows how to fight and how to have a good time! Gloin is often seen as being similar to his son, but he has an even stronger sense of family values and loyalty as a father and husband. He also is shown to enjoy gambling and treasure, too, so I love imagining him as knowing all the most fun games and ways to bet!

Thorin, Fili, Kili: Thorin is the most serious one and I think that comes from the weight of everything falling on him. A big part of him wants to give in and trust or love people, but it's hard for him to add outsiders to that. Trust and respect are very important for him, and formalities and proof come before he opens up. But when you let him, he has some capacity for physical affection as we see when he embraces Bilbo. Literally and figuratively that shows him 'embracing' a new friendship. His family is very important for him and I think while he seems to feel it's not in the cards, I think Thorin deep down would love a family of his own. Fili and Kili both have teasing streaks and a mix of the seriousness and merriment. They feel a similar weight to Thorin but much less compounded with youth and their own personalities. It's more generational trauma that gets imposed on them. Fili has all his blades and is shown to be very loyal, but beyond that he is very self-sacrificial. He's giving and loving, surrendering seeing Erebor to be with his brother and even giving his life toward the canon end. As much as he teases, he has the best interests of those he loves in mind and will stand up for that. Kili is portrayed as the flirt, which is quite true, but he also is the most idealistic. The one who asks 'why not?' in the face of challenges. He can be a bit of a show-off, but he’s a sweetheart and had the most youthful innocence preserved.

Bifur, Bofur, Bombur: Bifur stands out for speaking mostly in signs and Khuzdul, but he’s also a strong, experienced fighter. I think his condition lends to him being lonelier and wanting to reach out and be included, hence him having such resentment toward the axe once he loses it! Kind of like Dwalin, though, he’s an interesting mix of wanting to seem tough but also being softer than he lets on inside. Bofur is jolly and loves to sing, dance, and have fun, but he’s also the biggest sweetheart. He, after all, is the one who tells Bilbo he’s a part of the group and that he belongs with them. He risks his own safety to help Kili in Laketown. I really think he’d be the sweetest with a family and honestly he’s just one of my favorites in the whole darn thing, I could go on and on! Bottom line is that Bofur is cheerful and musical, but also the first dwarf you’ll want to talk to for real, heart-filled motivation and kind words about anyone. Bombur is the most stereotyped character and I hate that due to the nature of it!!! 😤 The old ‘haha fat person obsessed with food’ trope bugs me because it’s just riddled with unfunny prejudices even though both of those things are valid and true. But weight as a joke frickin sUCKS and I say that as someone who’s been fat-shamed by someone who claimed to be my best friend, joked about how heavy I was and going to tip things over etc. But we see that Bombur is strong, a very fast runner and capable fighter whose weight can help him in a fight! The popular fanon/actors headcanon is that he’s married and the father of I believe thirteen or fourteen children and I love that for him 😌 he’s obviously more quiet, happy to stay along the sides and take orders, but one of his few focused non-caricature scenes is him returning Bifur’s axe like ‘here you go cousin 🥺’… just a goofy lil sweetheart I love. Basically he’s the one who does the cooking for the company but I try to give his quiet but big-hearted side more attention than just being like heehoo fat guy lol

Dori, Nori, Ori: Dori is always just put in his ‘mother-hen’ role, which is definitely part of his character! But also it is described by movie creators/actors that he’s known for being a few other things, like having a taste for finer things and being more on the gentle and intellectual side as well. One detail they mentioned was hence the silver case he braids his beard into 😆 but I think of him as being softer and more well-read as well as being one of the obviously most family-oriented. Nori gets the sort of swashbuckling thief reputation and tbh, I see it! I also often characterize him as a tease, which I think is part of why the film notes/actors mention he drives Ori crazy lol. Ori himself is usually portrayed with his writing and drawing in focus as well as the fanon that he knits! I love him for being more sweet and polite, but also with the little moments of showing his strength and rougher side. And sometimes he just feels like he has to keep up with everyone else 🥺 In general I see him being the sweetest in relationships even if he is the least mature. Also probably second to Dori in terms of preferring comforts.

Bilbo: Home is obviously a big motif for Bilbo because he’s such a homebody in the beginning and rediscovers his love for adventure. A big part of his character, then, is realizing people can be home and there is more than one definition. He’s also a bit shy and awkward being so introverted as he is, so if he doesn’t know how to say something that’ll probably show. Like most hobbits, though, he’s so sweet and resilient and has a purity at heart that the others don’t. He’s intentional in his behaviors and clever. Also, he knows quality when he sees it 😌

[themoonstarwarrior]

PLAYLIST SHUFFLE TAG!

Okay, so @viterbofangirl tagged me in this and I need to start learning to post my own shit, so what the hell, why not?

Rules: you can usually tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to! put your favorite playlist on shuffle and list the first 10 15 songs, then tag 10 people. no skipping!

(I couldn’t stop at 10 so I added 5 more, sue me)

I have very random music taste and I listen to my music on shuffle alot, so I made a playlist of the ones I like the most (that way I don’t hafta skip 150 songs to get to the one I feel like) so I’m gonna use that one.

1) History of Violence - Theory of a Deadman

Hoo boy starting off light huh?.... Yeah so, I was in the drive thru at Sonic when I first heard this on the radio and was immediately like “holy shit”. Instead of like metaphors and poetic subtlety, it’s just straight up like “here’s a poor abused woman who resorted to murdering her shitty boyfriend/husband cuz she couldn’t take it dum dum dum”. Even though the actual situation is not the same, this song is perfect for getting across the internal issues and turmoil of my character Mikey. Its so perfect I’m even planning to animate something for it...... if I ever get around to learning animation that is.....     

2) The Vengeful One - Disturbed

Two songs in and I look kinda emo.... But hey this song is soooooo cathartic! I love me a good heavy rock song, and the drums and electric guitar are perfect for my ears to absorb. This song gives off a feeling of overwhelming power mixed with a coldness and disdain for the bad in the world. Obviously, thats not my usual temperment, but its an interesting one to explore! Especially when I’m trying to get into the head of characters that exude that like my OCs Spark or Ryu. Plus its fun to sing in the car X)

3) Enter Sandman - Metallica

Okay this one is just a classic! Same thing with the drums and guitar they both slap SOOOOO GOOD. I don’t really associate this song with any of my characters or fandom favorites, but it DOES give me a super strong urge to learn the drums. EXXXXXXXXIT LIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! OFF TO NEVER NEVERLAND!!

4) We Are Giants - Lindsey Stirling ft. Dia Frampton

I don’t really to listen to music by band or artist, but I LOVE Lindsey Stirling!!! She’s probably my favorite musician! This is such a good song, especially for someone like me. Its a positive song that talks about feeling alone in a crowd and unimportant to the world, but how you really do matter and shouldn’t be afraid to dream big and shoot for the stars. It really speaks to me and the vocalization is so good (especially for singing), not to mention the official music video is animated and AMAZING!

5) Cetus - Lensko NCS

I dunno if anyone knows this song, but damn its good. Its one of those Royalty-Free songs that people look up for their channels, which is how I found it in the first place, but I loved it immediately. Its a peppy 8-bit electronic bop that turns a little Irish jig at the end and honestly I think if I ever start an animation channel I’m totally gonna use it! (Also go support Lensko he make good beats!)

6) Sanctuary - Utada Hikaru

I did not grow up with Kingdom Hearts, and only played KH2 within the past year n’ a half. But good God, the moment that Cinematic Opening came on and this song started playing I swear I astral projected into a daze of feelings without names. I know that “Simple and Clean” is the quintessential Kingdom Heart song that gives everyone feelings, but IMHO Sanctuary blows it out of the water. As beautiful as the animation was, or how curious the occasional backwards lyrics are, or how weird it is having high-res Goofy and Donald in what is essentially an anime opening, I really can’t be distracted from this song when I play.

7) Chemical Plant Zone (Rock Remix) - Zerobadniks

Chemical Plant Song is like, one of the TOP Sonic songs by popular vote (and we know how awesome the Sonic series is musically so thats saying something!), but I could never quite vibe with the normal 8-bit version. I think I first heard this as someone’s ringtone and was immediately like “THATS PERFECT THATS EXACTLY HOW I NEED IT!”. The rock makes the song soooo much better and honestly gives the song the perfect vibe. Unfortunately, it took FOREVER to find cuz none of the Rock Covers of this song were the right one. In fact, tbh, I’m not even sure whether Zerobadniks is the correct artist..... that’s just who everybody was crediting when I found it. 

(imma include the link i found since its a little hard to find: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqJiZEM6aPI )

8) The Wolf - SIAMES

YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT ANIMATED MUSIC VIDEOS???? THIS IS A GOD-TIER ANIMATED MUSIC VIDEO. I found the video first, and seriously, if you haven’t seen it YOU NEED TO!!! The beat works perfectly with the images on screen and the story being portrayed is really intriguing, with the lyrics adding to atmosphere without necessarily describing the visuals shown. Even without the animation, the song itself is a banger. It bring to mind the feeling of intense motion forward, but unable to decide whether its movement TOWARD something or AWAY from something. I love listening to this on a nighttime drive.

9) Burn the House Down - AJR

If you ask me, the best way to make a pop song better is to add either violins or trumpets. For this song, it was definitely the trumpets that first caught my attention, and the rest of the song kept me listening. I don’t really know how to describe the vibe of this song, and I don’t have a specific character or story in mind when I listen to it, so its a little hard for me to talk about it. I think the best way I can describe this song and what draws me to it is a feeling of nonchalant go-with-the-flow attitude to shenaniganry. Almost an undertone of “We’re hooligans in a situation that we probably should get out of, but hey we’ve got life and each other so why worry?” At least that’s the closest I can get to a verbal description heh...

10) Slim Pickens Does the Right Thing and Rides the Bomb to Hell - The Offspring 

DANCE, FUCKER, DANCE, LET THE MOTHERFUCKER BURN!!!

So this also has a KICKASS animated music video, but its technically combined with the song “Dividing by Zero”. Now the video works SO well with both, and the shifting artstyles reflect the differing tones of the songs PERFECTLY. However, I have a preference for both the animation and the song on the Slim Pickens half. Its fun to listen to and sing at the top of your lungs and its SO CATHARTIC. Again I cant really describe what my head does when I hear it, but I think you can probably feel a similar vibe if you watch the music video. 

11) No Heaven - DJ Champion

The first time I finished the original Borderlands, I had been playing for days on end, had just finished a long battle with the Destroyer, and sitting back relieved to have beaten it and reflecting on how much I had enjoyed the adventure. Then this song started playing. For what I believe was forty minutes this song looped on my TV while the credits rolled. By the time the credits finished I was pulling up the song to listen to again! What an absolutely PERFECT cherry to add to this experience. This song perfectly encapsulated the chaotic, trigger-happy, morally ambiguous craziness that I had enjoyed and absorbed in this game. Every time I hear it now, I imagine myself in the wastelands of Pandora, driving haphazardly across the sandy dunes as my companions and I shoot and blow up everything in sight. You know, living the dream.......     

12) Hit & Run (Wolfgang Lohr Remix) -  The Electric Swing Circus

I fucking LOVE electro-swing! The electronic beats and rhythm blend so well with the wild and energetic freedom of swing. A lot of electro-swing gives me a vibe of wild movement, reckless abandon, and freedom from constraint. I think this song melds all of these feelings the best! As the last song might have indicated, despite my general nice and sweet temperament, there is a part of me deep down that is an absolute gremlin secretly enamored with chaos, insanity, and a general disdain for law and authority X). But whereas anything Borderlands related has a more “morality is an illusion blowing shit up is real” air about it, this song is far more peppy. More of a “good-hearted but insane” type of chaos, like an 100mph car chase where you end up sailing over the train tracks JUST as the train passes.

.... I may have gotten a bit off track lol 

13) Kickstart my Heart - Motley Crue

I love this song, but I have to be VERY careful when and where I listen to this. I love songs that make me feel like I’m going a million miles per hour, like I’m gotdam Sonic the Hedgehog. Unfortunately, I may or may not have had multiple instances of listening to this song in the car and abruptly realizing that I’m going like 15mph above the speed limit...... So yeah, regardless of absolutely perfect it feels to play this song while speeding down a nearly empty highway, please be careful and drive responsibly!!!

14) I’m Born to Run - American Authors

Imma just up and say it. This song is a Sonic song; like not like actually from the series but a song for the character. This song encapsulates Sonic as a character better than some of his ACTUAL THEMES (and remember Sonic music are bangers!). Its a song about freedom, living life as it comes, and not letting anything slow you down. Frankly I’m surprised they didn’t make this song FOR the Sonic series, or even the movie! Speaking of which, ironically I heard this song right after watching the Sonic movie in theaters, so yeah there’s no way I can associate it with anything else. 

15) Opa Opa - Antique

Oh, what a PERFECT way to end this list! This may be one of my absolute favorite songs of all time! I don’t remember exactly how I found this song... I think I had just relistened to Dalar Mehndi’s “Tunak Tunak Tun” and was looking for other catchy non-english songs and BOY HOWDY I found one! I know nothing about the band or what the song’s about (its in greek and i dont speak it), but this song is just a masterpiece of retro, pop, and dance sounds. This song feels like the musical and lyrical manifestation of dance and movement. I really REALLY wish I could dance JUST so I can express how happy and free this song makes me feel! This is the BEST song for me to end this list with!

***********************************************************************************

JESUS, this got long..... Sorry about that XD. It was fun though, and hopefully somebody was vaguely interested in my ramblings.

Guess I need to tag people now? How about @tharkflark1, @rockmilkshake, @neonbuck, @drawingsdrawingseverywhere, @birthgiverofbirds, @puccafangirl, @kalcat, @biblestudybussybopsbabey, @monstrous-milktea, and @memecage! I think there are a couple of people here I haven’t talked to though soooooo..... hi, I hope you don’t mind the tag X)

 Anyway hope you enjoyed and/or want to do this too! This took for-fucking-EVER to type, so imma go fuck off and watch youtube or something now...

[autumn-foxfire]

Now that im back on my bsd bullshit im back on thinking about ships n my main ones are ranpoe n of course soukoku

Now youd think soukoku was my fav cuz they get more screentime n development but thats wrong its ranpoe

Like ranpoe is very much a background reletionship cuz both ranpo n poe are supporting characters while with soukoku dazai is the main character and chuuya...sadly id say chuuya is also a supporting character, the only one out of soukoku generations to feel that way. Its almost odd how often hes seperated from the set despite being part of og soukoku but thats a thought for another time.

I think a few years ago i said that soukoku wishes it could have enemies to lovers story like ranpoe but that was wrong. Ranpoe isnt enemies to lovers its rivals to lovers, a mellower version of the other. They were never enemies aside from being in enemy factions but even then it was made clear that Poe was only there to challenge ranpo. He was not there as ranpos enemy but as his self proclaimed rival n p much as soon as he was deafeted he handed ranpo what he was looking for cuz he didnt care about guild n its goals he only cared about settling things between himself and ranpo.

N since they are supporting cast so there is no reason for kafka to stretch out their story n because their reletionship has a lot less bagege then chuuyas n dazais or akus n atsus, they settle into a very comfortable dynamic very fast. I think thats why i like the ship so much its very comfy, its the kind of ship that writes itself and very easily slips from rivals to friends to lovers without much work needing to be done from writers point of view which makes it easier to view it as something that could or has hapoend in canon.

I just love their dyanamic and how they clash. Ranpo has an easy confidence and a feel of childishness to him and he easily drags Poe with him. Poe is skittish with a taste for theatrics but suprisingly a lot more proactive then you would expect to see from a character marked by being somewhat socially anxious. He is the one to challenge ranpo, even after he loses twice and is suprisingly not above cheating in order to win. Its a very fun dynamic and i could watch ranpos confidence bounce off of poes skittishness or ranpo boldly and seriously taking poe challenges no matter hoe devious all day.

And at the end of that day they always settle in a very comfy dynamic. Ranpo beta reading Poes novels and Poe helping Ranpo with his plans. Ranpo might be the loud pushy one but they do feel like equeals in their reletionship, even though an importsnt part of it is poe trying to best ranpo.

If ships like soukoku, dabihawks or shizaya are straight made for angst then ranpoe is straight made for fluffy slice of life and sometimes that is all i need out of my ship.

Ranpoe is definitely a good example of Rival to Lovers! They’d make an adorable couple because they’re both so supportive of each other’s interests and love to challenge one another too but without the harsh mockery and insults you usually see when you have Rival to Lovers. It really is a wholesome ship that has two mystery nerds trying to outdo each other without any unnecessary drama and conflict! (And lol, nothing says gay like writing a whole novel at the drop of a hat just because your rival asked you too :p)

They’re a much easier couple to ship then Enemies to Lovers because there really isn’t as much animosity you need to work through in order for them to work and any bad feelings that do exist usually aren’t on the same level as Enemies to Lovers considering that they usually work through massive trauma, injures and even death to work while at most Rivals to Lovers were antagonist towards each other in cruel ways.

I’d love to see more of these two dorks just because it’s entertaining (I would love to see them making commentary on Chuuya’s time in the book because that would be hilarious. They’d just throw shade at him the whole time.)

Also! I’m so disappointed about how Chuuya can be treated in canon! As you said, it’s so strange that the second vital member of Soukoku is treated as just a support character when the other member is a main character and the recreation of the team up are main characters too! You’d think he would be more important considering he’s practically the Port Mafia’s ace-in-the-hole :/

(And considering that he has a god inside him too. Like, they’re looking for a supernatural book, maybe a good place to start would be looking into the supernatural being that they know exists?! Just a thought...)

[thehyperkraken]

EDIT: yall idk why the actual fic isnt showing up in the tags but this shit is, bc thats literally the opposite of what i wanted, but for the love of god read the fic first and/or instead, that’s the thing i spent more than 20 minutes on: [link]

Hey random idea dump for that one fic i done did yeehaw... it’s almost longer than the fic itself but jesus christ i need to get these ideas out of my head and throw them into the internet ether, seriously don’t read this its a goddamn mess

So ghjkdf the actual plotty part of that fic came from that one b99 bit... the Bone one.....u kno

Arthur: Come on, Dutch. The O'Driscolls thing isn't the problem. You're in a bad mood because you've been so busy planning this heist that it's keeping you and Hosea apart. You two just need to bone. John: Oh no... Dutch: ...What did you say? John: Don't say it again! Arthur: I said you two need to bone. John: Oh my god... Dutch: (with barely contained fury) Hhhhhow Dare you Arthur Morgan, I am thIS GANG'S LEADER!!! You have NO RIGHT to comment on my sex life— (5 minutes later) Dutch, standing on top of a table screaming: BONE?!?!?! (10 minutes later) Dutch: What happens in my bedroom, son, is NONE of your business— (20 minutes later) Dutch, jumping up and down on the table: BOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!! (40 minutes later) Dutch: And don't EVER speak to me like that AGAIN! (storms off) John, sunken down in his chair in horror: Why the hell did you do that? Arthur: (shrugs) They need to bone. John: Gross, Arthur! That's our dads!

And then like a day later gfdhkg

John: Oh hey Dutch! I know you don't want to talk about Hosea, BUT, I had an idea— Dutch: No need, John, it's all good. John: So... your fight with Hosea is over? Dutch: Yep. John: Because you finally figured out a plan for the heist...? Dutch: Nope! Arthur, excitedly: Because you guys—? Dutch: Yyyyep! Arthur, looking smug: Knew it. John: Ugh... Arthur: (leans down close to him) See, what happened is, our dads had sex— John: UGH, SHUT UP!

Another inspiration I had was John Mulaney’s bit about zoning out for John with adhd,,,,, the part where he’s like “the doctor was reading me the results of a blood test, it was IMPORTANT that I LISTENED, but NO, I zoned out, I was like, I’m just gonna stare at the wall and think m’thoughts” that’s why I wrote the part where John was like “ehhh attention deficient something something disease” bc it made me laugh gjhggdjh

Dutch: so the doctor says you have ADHD John: (thinking about minecraft) what?

Also unrelated but blease consider Arthur teaching John to drive like

Arthur: are you watching the road? John: ........I am looking through the windshield Arthur: John: .......and I’m not gonna hit anyone...... Arthur: John: ....but no. I’m thinkin’ about minecraft

(Also I don’t know anything about ssb I’ve played it once and hated it, minecraft is my og video game love, but Abigail beating John at ssb is funnier, I’m a fake gamer boy :^( rip)

ONE MORE INSPIRATION THAT ONE VINE ITS MY FAVORITE VINE

Arthur: are you drinking coke for breakfast? John: yeah, what did you have for breakfast? Arthur: ........nothing John: (sipping his drink) I’m doing better than you, then

Anyway onto ACTUAL IDEA STUFF HOORAY

So when Dutch and Hosea decided to adopt, they agreed they wanted to take in kids who needed good homes the most, so they were specifically looking for older kids who would probably age out of the system and wind up on the streets

They met Arthur who was a clearly depressed and gender non conforming thirteen year old who hated everyone and everything and wasn’t getting the Love he Deserved, and Dutch was like “I want THAT ONE, with the SAD EYES”

Arthur tried to push them away at first, cuz he absolutely didn’t trust anyone, and some part of him believed they’d just give him right back up for adoption if he disappointed them in any way. But he eventually learned that they were good guys who really just wanted to help him, and they weren’t gonna abandon him if he wasn’t the perfect kid they always wanted

(he probably told them about this fear eventually and Hosea just snorted and was like “if we wanted a perfect kid we woulda got a cabbage patch doll. something that wouldn’t scream or make a mess” and Dutch was like “yeah! or like a 27 year old with a job and their own house and kids of their own. pre-made grandkids” and Hosea was like “or a cat” and Arthur was like “...okay”)

Anyway it took a loooong time but Arthur eventually trusted them enough to come out to them as trans, without really knowing the proper words for everything, just knowing that He Is A Boy And That’s That. As much as Hosea is the one the lads go to to talk about stuff and get comfort and Wise Dad Advice, he probably told Dutch first bc he was more uncertain how he’d respond and he wanted to get it over with in the worst way possible.... like, if they were gonna react badly, heap all the bullshit on in one fell swoop

I imagine he did it off the cuff too, in response to something Dutch said, like Dutch was like “u get back here right now young lady” and Arthur was like “first of all I’m not a lady, I’m a BOY, and second of all FUCK you, I do what I WANT” and Dutch was like “groovy. you’re grounded.” Arthur was like (offended) “don’t say groovy... don’t try to be hip” and Dutch was like “no it’s totally tubular that ur a boy. It’s absolutely funky. You’re fucking grounded though”

Then he went and told Hosea like “congrats! it’s a boy” and they helped him transition and they didn’t tolerate a single person misgendering him the whole time. Like before he’s even begun transitioning, they’re literally at the doctors office to discuss it w/ their doc for the first time, and a nurse is like “ms. morgan?” And Dutch is like “INCORRECT” and the doctor is like “what seems to be the problem (deadname)?” and Dutch is like “FOOL! THIS CHILD WAS LABELED INACCURATELY, WE REQUIRE A GENDER RETRACTION” and Hosea’s like “please stop yelling”

Anyway probably about a year later they got John when he was ten and Arthur was fifteen. Arthur was a little bit jealous like, wow, am I not enough kid for u, but Dutch and Hosea always planned on getting at least two bc they wanted them to have siblings, and they know John came from a pretty abusive situation, so Arthur can’t be too mad at him. At least until he met John and realized what a fucking brat he is

Since John was younger and way more desperate for affection, he immediately loved Dutch and Hosea just bc they were nice to him, he was ready to call them his dads within the month but he was nervous that it was too soon and they’d be weirded out. But I imagine he got triggered by something and had a meltdown and they got to see just a glimpse of what he’d been through, and Dutch and Hosea were falling over themselves trying to comfort him and tell him they love him and now I’m making myself cry :’^(

Anyway... from that point on John was like “these are the only dads I’ve ever had and I would kill a man for them.” He gets in trouble quite a bit bc he’s Naughty, but Dutch and Hosea always make sure to punish him fairly and never yell or be physically intimidating with him or permanently take away his stuff, like they make him do chores to earn back the right to use the xbox or something. And they always explain to him exactly what he did wrong and why he’s being punished and talk to him about how he can make it better or what he can do next time, or if there’s a root problem, like he’s acting out bc he’s overwhelmed with school work or smthn, how they can help him. Especially after he gets diagnosed with ADHD

And of course they do all this with Arthur too, but they make a special concerted effort with John bc he’s The Baby :^) and Dutch somehow maintains an attitude of “idk what ur talking about, John has never done anything wrong ever in his life” every time he gets in trouble meanwhile Hosea is like “what do you MEAN, he’s a GREMLIN” fjfjfhhf

Arthur was probably diagnosed with depression and anxiety at some point... it was probably a long process to get him to even admit he had a problem bc he didnt wanna bother anyone... Arthur also probably came from an abusive situation from the way canon Arthur talks about his dad, but Arthur is much more the type to be like “i’m gonna keep all my feelings inside, and then one day, i’ll die” whereas John is like “i will SCREAM if i get a papercut”

[EDIT: i woke up in a cold sweat at 4 AM with this in my head so now i’m putting it here

Charles: So, Arthur... Do you wanna talk about your feelings? Arthur: No. John: I do! :) Charles: ...I know, John. John: I’m sad! :) Charles: I know, John.

i’m sure it’s been done before but it’s so good. ok now back to our regularly scheduled programming]

In regards to Arthur being trans, John doesn’t really Get It, Arthur tried to explain it to him once and John couldn’t care less, all he knows is Arthur used to be a girl or something, there’s tea involved probably, and John is thinking about minecraft again... he has 2 am thoughts about it sometimes and comes to Arthur like “what IS gender” and Arthur’s just like “hm. big mood”

Dutch is “Dad” and Hosea is “Papa” or “Pa” or “Pops” or “Dad, No Not You, The Other One” or “Other Dad.” Hosea really doesn’t mind at all, he wouldn’t care if the kids called him Hosea or mom or anything else, it truly isnt important to him. But Dutch Loves being Dad. Every time they call Dutch Dad he grows three times stronger and 10 years are added to his lifespan. Dutch is an Alpha Parent, he 100% goes to every parent teacher conference and bake sale, he’d go to every game and concert too if either of his kids had a single athletic or musical bone in their dumb little bodies. I guess the school probably hosts art galleries sometimes to display art the kids make, Arthur always has a drawing in one of those, and Dutch will absolutely go just to brag about his cool son.

Dutch is the Fun Energetic Dad who embarrasses the boys in front of their friends but can always be talked into taking them out to get ice cream. Hosea is the more quietly anxious dad, he makes sure they do their homework and keep their rooms clean and shit, and he's the one the kids always go to talk to when they’re having problems... like Arthur will rant for an hour and a half about high school drama and Hosea will patiently listen to all of it and when he's done he’ll offer to kick the other kids’ asses for him, and Arthur’s like lmao but Hosea Means It.

Hosea is also the one the kids go to for help on their homework because Hosea and Dutch have five brain cells between them, and four of them belong to Hosea. Dutch is like “suddenly I don’t remember basic math, time to make shit up” and Hosea is like “I must become an expert on 1820s Chinese history in two days for my beautiful sons”

I have NO idea what either of their jobs are, I wanna say Hosea is a lawyer or smthn but idk, Dutch is probably like......................a used car salesman LMAO...... they clearly make a lot of money (or maybe STOLE SOME) bc I gave them a huge house w/ a pool gjhkdhg

Anyway more about THE KIDS

They go to a school that is a combination middle school and high school, bc that’s what my school was like

Mrs. Grimshaw is the strict and irritable principal with a secret soft spot for kids, Mr. Pearson is the cafeteria cook, Strauss works in the office, I wanna say Rev. Swanson is a weird but friendly janitor or something lmao. Uncle is Dutch & Hosea’s annoying forever-drunk neighbor who everyone barely tolerates fjfjhfh

Micah is The School Bully but like bc this is a cutesy high school au and I can do what I want, he’s not actually like a violent racist or anything he’s just a bad mad sad kid who is a huge dick

Bill is Micah’s Bully Henchman, he’s generally not as much of a dick as Micah is, but he punches whoever Micah asks him to bc they are the closest thing to friends that either of them have

Trelawny is a new student who just moved from another school and he’s that fucking Weird Magician Kid who can’t hold a conversation longer than five seconds without saying “wanna see a magic trick,” tried to do some unimpressive card tricks for the school talent show, unironically wears a cape, etc.... Arthur stood up for him when he was getting pushed around by Micah and Bill so now Arthur has +1 more weird friend

Karen is the Popular Girl who somehow knows everyone, is probably a cheerleader, everyone is either extremely intimidated by her or thinks she’s gonna be a stuck up bitch, but she’s actually just super fucking chill and nice, WILL stab a man for her friends, she won’t hesitate bitch

Tilly is Karen’s bff who was getting bullied by *shakes fist* those dang foreman brothers.... Karen stood up for her and Tilly was like “no don’t u will get hurt!!” and Karen was like “ha... fool... cheerleaders cannot die” and whooped ass with her gymnastics skills and somehow got the foreman brothers expelled. So now Tilly is like “I owe u one (1) Life Debt” but Karen is like “nah it’s chill just come to target w/ me & we’ll call it even.” Tilly is just tryna get shit done and do her damn homework but everybody else is going on adventures and being nuisances so of course Tilly has to go too bc come on....... who do you take her for, some kinda two-bit GEEK? NO WAY

Mary Beth is a quiet nerdy girl who’s always reading or writing and never talks in class or anything. Karen and Tilly became her friends thru sheer brute force, Karen just sat by her one day n was like “sup” and Mary Beth was too shy to ask her to leave. They were surprised to discover Mary Beth is actually pretty nice and funny when you get to know her and also the Biggest Lesbian Alive

Sadie is a BAD BITCH... NOBODY fucks with Sadie, not even Micah, Sadie is the girl who when some dipshit boy spreads a rumor that he had sex with her, she agrees and tells everyone she pegged him and he cried after, she hasn’t given a fuck since 2007. she climbs on the roof to get lost frisbees. one time she got the gym coach to agree to give her an automatic A in the class if she did 100 push ups in 5 minutes. Then she Did That. She might have pulled several muscles in both of her arms but She Did That. Karen, Tilly, and Mary Beth (but mostly Karen) approached her like “damn that was sick” and Sadie was like “yea i know” and then they were friends

I literally don’t know anything about Sean I’m sorry...... maybe he’s a transfer student who becomes friends with John, they play Minecraft together and Sean boobytraps the houses John builds. Sean is the only living human being who understands how redstone works and he uses his powers for evil

Molly is going to a nearby community college and is working at the high school part time as a TA and she is like 19-20 or smthn so the kids all think she’s The Hottest Shit,,,, like they think she’s just the coolest hippest person alive, but also she is Very Attractive so fuckin everybody has a crush on her, most specifically Javier and Mary Beth. She ineptly tries to flirt with Dutch every time he comes to a parent teacher conference bc she’s dummy thicc and thinks it’s friendship goals that Dutch lives with and has adopted children with his Best Bud Hosea

The teacher Molly is TA for is Charles Chatenay, an all-grades art teacher who takes his job WAY too seriously, like dude chill they’re high schoolers. His class is where Arthur met Albert, bc Arthur loves drawing and obviously Albert loves photography. They were both like “wow he’s cute” but were too shy to talk to each other for more than basic pleasantries, until one day Albert’s Big Project was ruined a day or two before he was gonna turn it in, and Arthur helped him fix it.

They’re so sweet on each other it’s unbearable, they’re both Soft Boys so they fuckin blush if they make eye contact...... the most bold either of them get is when Arthur is feeling insecure about his body and Albert gladly tells him how perfect and handsome he is in every way, and he wishes he was half as gorgeous as Arthur is, and Arthur is like (offended) um, excuse me, how dare u insult my beautiful boyfriend in this way?? They both wanna grow beards so while they’re still going thru Changes they excitedly bond over their facial hair......... they run up to each other at school like LOOK AT MY NEW CHIN HAIR and the other one is like WOW!!! GOOD JOB

Javier has a big lovely family who spoil him rotten and tbh love to spoil his friends when they come over too, his parents are in a constant and devastating game of dish-gifting with Dutch & Hosea, Arthur and John have eaten more of Mr. & Mrs. Escuella’s tamales than any other food, neither Dutch nor Hosea are very good cooks but luckily Javier has plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins who are happy to occasionally take one of their unimpressive lasagnas or cakes from a box mix

Lenny’s cool dad in canon is the high school au dad of Charles and Lenny, he and Charles’s mom amicably divorced and he got remarried to Lenny’s mom, who is a Cool Stepmom to Charles. Charles and Lenny go stay with Charles’s mom all the time, in fact she was around so much when they were younger that she practically helped raise them both. maybe she gets a gf and Charles and Lenny have so many moms and are so loved & cherished like they fuCKIN DESERVE

Kieran is the weird horse girl at school, he’s Lenny’s age, they become friends when they’re forced to sit next to each other and they’re both too awkward and shy to say anything until they’re paired up on a project together bc everyone else in the class already paired up and they were the only ones left gjkhfd.... John wants to dislike Kieran bc Lenny is HIS friend now, but Kieran is a sweet lad with a mean dad.... His dad is Colm O’Driscoll, Dutch & Hosea’s other neighbor and Dutch’s sworn enemy

Dutch expects Kieran to be as shitty as his dad, but he is a SWEET BOY, and as soon as they realize his situation, they tell Kieran he can come over whenever he wants and spend the night any time, he doesn’t have to ask or anything, but Kieran is super respectful and always asks permission and always tries to come over when John or Arthur are there so he can go under the pretense of hanging out with them, bc he doesn’t wanna intrude...

Once he came over when Hosea was the only one home and he was like “hi Mr. Matthews are John and Arthur home” and Hosea was like “no sorry they’re out” and Kieran was like “oh... ok sorry I’ll just go then” and Hosea was like “absolutely not” and brought Kieran in and made him snacks and wrapped him in many blankets and watched a kids movie with him until he fell asleep on the couch... when Dutch came home he was like “??? new son ???” and Hosea was like “yea I guess. oops”

When Kieran gets older they help him become an emancipated minor and get a job and his own place (even tho he knows they’d let him stay with them if he wanted) and he changes his last name to his mom’s maiden name Duffy... Colm and Dutch glare at each other over their fences and Colm is like “enjoying stealing my son?” and Dutch is like “my son now” but Colm really doesn’t care bc he’s an asshole... and even tho they don’t legally adopt him, Kieran’s like “I’m more of a Van der Linde than an O’Driscoll” and oops i’m making myself cry again :’)

And yes Abigail does eventually teach John how to play stupid super smash bros. She’s Pro Gamer level of competent at nearly all video games and John has the biggest heart eyes for her, the end thank u for listening

[the-amaryka]

Unpopular Opinion:  I enjoyed season 8

So first, I’m mostly doing this to sort out my own feelings, but I DO think there are some things worth considering here.

To be clear, Enjoying something and thinking that something was perfect are different.  I enjoy plenty of things that are garbage and I do think this season had it’s fair share of flaws, but it’s not nearly as awful as some of ya’ll are ripping into it over.  In addition, regardless of if it is bad or not harassment of the creators is never justified.  EVER.  So if you feel the need to take out your frustrations on the cast/crew stop what you are doing then DON’T.

Sorry in advance if you’re on mobile cuz this is a long one under the read more.

Why I was able to enjoy it:

Three major things I always keep in mind going into a new season:

1.  Don’t watch it FOR the ship, enjoy the show for what it is.  I think the primary thing that has allowed me to enjoy each season is I try to watch it without shipping goggles.  At the end of the day, shipping is fun but it is for fandom and not the reason I’m watching the show, especially a show made for 7 year old boys.  

2.  I (along with most of the fandom on this website) am not the target audience for this show.  Voltron may be an abnormally good kids show, but it is still a kids show.  I have never walked into a season thinking that it is content made for me, and the things that are important to me just aren’t important enough to 7 year olds to have the time I want spent on them.  I have to be okay with that because as much as I would love to have a whole episode of Shiro really struggling with what it means to be a leader, and the weight of Adam’s sacrifice, the 7 year old this show was made for is going to be bored shitless and decide “I don’t want that Voltron toy for my birthday after all.”  So yeah, that is going to change the choices the crew makes when they create these episodes.

3.  This is a reboot.  Several different companies have BIG stakes in Voltron.  Things like LGBT rep are only going to go as far as ONE important old white man who thinks (insert your fave here) is straight.  Anybody who has followed me for more than 3 seconds knows I ship Sheith, but knowing how the entertainment industry works changed how I thought the direction of the series was going from day one.  If it was so hard for them to get even ambiguous ‘Takashi, how much do I mean to you’ when both Shiro and Adam are legally original characters, there is NO WAY the powers that be will allow them to gay up big names in the franchise like Keith or Lance.  For that reason I never expected a canon gay relationship between any of the main characters.  No Sheith, no Klance, no Pallura, no Hance.  I do believe it was important to the creators and they did they absolute best with what they had, but ultimately it was not their decision and a lot of ya’ll need to stop acting like you are performing some kind of holy service by harassing them about it.  They did their jobs as best they could and the fandom was pressuring them the whole time to make promises they didn’t know if they could keep.

For these reasons I was able to enjoy the new season for what it was: a reboot aimed toward children that I shouldn’t expect a primary romantic plot out of.  And honestly?  Thats what I got.  The only big romantic plot revolved around Lance and Allura and even that was only a handful of scenes.  I think the main problem with this fandom has always been people putting unrealistic expectations on a show that wasn’t aimed at them.  Why people chose to put all of their expectation eggs in the Voltron basket specifically is beyond me, and frankly a bit unfair to the people who made it.  But we don’t have to get into that right now.

Things that I enjoyed:

1.  Hunk is best boy.  I loved his and Lance's friendship shining through and when he turned into team mom.  Some highlight include:  “It’s happening tonight, young man!” “I’m sorry I yelled at you.  I’ll make you dog treats later.”  When he made that Altean dessert because he is so sweet and knows how to bring people together.  What a star, what a diplomat, what a fine, fine man. 2.  BaBy LoToR 3.  Seeing all the paladins in their under armor.  I would feel robbed because Shiro was left out but the entire series has been Shiro fan service so I’m not even mad. 4.  VERONICA AND AXCA BONDING?  NICE.  Didn’t expect to ship them?  I do.  Nice. 5.  Everything about Day Fourty-Seven.  A filler episode I genuinely enjoyed.  MY only wish is we could have gotten Keith and Krolia in an interview together and she went out of her way to embarrass him like “while we were in the Quantum Abyss-” “Mom, why are you doing this to me?” “I have 20 years of Mothering to catch up on, young man.” 6.  Shiro feeling like a bad ass and looking cool during the arm wrestling competition.  What a good. 7.  This was really Allura’s season, wow, what a queen. 8.  Keith giving Lance a bunch of pep talks and opening up to become not only a good leader but a good friend. 9.  Keith YELLING at the Zarkon mech because he had leadership responsibility feels. 10.  I did not expect to have FEELINGS over seeing young Zarkon. 11.  Honerva’s motivations were honestly....so honest.  So realistically human, you know?  It seems so fitting that this whole thing began with a rift into another reality, and a broken family.  And it ended with a rift into another reality, and that family finally being able to be at peace.  That is the theme that has been following us form the beginning: family.  And even the final villain just wanted to fix the damage that had been done to hers.  Though I do feel like her turnaround was a little quick, I can forgive it for kinds show reasons. 12.  Allura getting to hug Alfor again. 13.  Lance getting the stamp of approval from the dad. 14.  Speaking of which, even I thought the Allurance scenes were pretty cute despite not being a huge fan of the ship. 15.  The character development that is evident.  If you compare all these characters to who they were in E1S1 they are all vastly different.  The only exception to this is Coran, though I do feel like Allura’s is mostly internal and she has a way of conducting herself that can make it difficult to perceive. 16.  I am VERY SAD about Allura dying...but you know what?  I think this ending actually suited her.  I don’t think she would be satisfied withotu making a grand reality wide sacrifice.  She restored Altea, and returned into the fabric of space-time itself with her family.  This has been being foreshadowed since Season 1 to be honest.  She is always taking risks and wanting to keep moving and bettering things.  She is perfect and we don’t deserve her and in my heart she is the goddess of reality itself. 17.  The scene where the lions all came to life and flew away, and then that lovely art of them going into the rift.  I really think they went back to Allura, and the next time the Universe needs Voltron, it will be her spirit leading the way.  And honestly?  I don’t think she would want it any other way. 18.  The MFE Pilots grew on me... 19.  MMMMMBIG ROBOT PRETTY 20.  We got Shiro and the rest of the paladins piloting all together again. 21.  ALMOST Galra Emperor Keith.

The things I didn’t think were great:

1.  What the fuck happened to Ezor’s voice?  She only said one word and I thought she was dying? 2.  Keith and Shiro like...didn’t even talk.  And even without shipping goggles that just seems wrong to me.  Their bond has been one of the points the story has turned on.  We got all the build up but none of the payoff.  No shoulder touches, no ‘I’m proud of you, Keith’, none of the usual friendship or dynamic they usually have with each other.  It felt kind of empty honestly :(  And whats more is...Keith has been sacrificing and fighting and loving Shiro for 7 seasons now, and Shiro never got to repay him.  Like he wasn’t in his hospital room when he woke up and nobody can fucking tell me when Shiro said “spend time with the people you love” Keith wouldn’t be spending time with Shiro.  It just....feels so dissatisfying to see one of the major emotional bonds in the show not even be acknowledged in the end.  It makes everything Keith worked for feel...not...there.  Like what did all that mean in the end?  As many times as it takes but he gives and gives and gives and the only one who returns what he gives is Krolia.  It used to be Shiro returned it too, but now...  Even without it being romantic, their relationship was done a dirty.  I didn’t need canon Sheith I just needed some kind of acknowledgement that all the suffering they endured was worth it.  I wanted to see them happy. 3.  Despite what I said above I am sad Allura is gone. 4.  Shiro was hardly in the season at all actually :((((((((((((((((((( 5.  Yeah, as cute as the scenes were I’ve never felt Allura and Lance have a chemistry that makes their relationship sit well with me.  But I guess it was necessary to show how Lance has matured as a person.  I always thought they have the POTENTIAL for chemistry but it’s always fallen short for me.  Allura just takes her life too seriously and her walls never actually came down enough for me to see a connection there. 6.  James and Keith never like...talked?  I would have liked for them to have had a reconciliation like Keith and Lance did. 7.  Lack of Krolia. 8.  Something was off about Kolivan’s voice 9.  TBH, I feel like The real fulfillment for Keith’s arc would have been his teammates encouraging and lifting him up as well.  Display his emotional availability which was completely closed off at the start.  I feel like they may have just dropped the ball on a couple of character’s arc resolution but...eh.  You gotta pick and choose what to focus on when you have an ensemble cast, and 7 year olds just aren’t always interested in that. 10.  Woulda been nice to get a bit more detail on the nature of the rift creatures and some more clarity for a through line from the beginning thousands of Years ago to now.  Along with that exactly what kind of entity IS Voltron itself?  A lot of seeds planted that made a half attempt at being resolved but weren’t quite clear enough to create something cohesive. 11.  I can’t put my finger on why but overall it just feels...Incomplete.  Like there is still a pit in my stomach that doesn’t feel satisfied by the ending.  I’m not sure how much of that is the season itself, and how much is I’ve been involved in this show for nearly 2 years and it’s hard to let go, especially on something that doesn’t quite feel like going out with a bang.

Highly unpopular opinion in my neck of the woods:

That wedding at the end?  I’m happy about it.  Do I think its bad writing to marry off one of your main five to a rando we don’t even know the name of?  Yes.  Am I annoyed that the fandom was SO awful and so accusatory toward the showrunners they felt the need to shoehorn in a last minute wedding because they honestly felt bad when the truth is this has always been a glorified ship war?  MEGA YES.  They shouldn’t have felt like they had to make this bad writing decision on the behalf of fans who have treated them and their efforts like shit.  Shame on the people who treated them this way.  They tried so FUCKING hard to give us something and ya’ll threw it away and called them evil.  I get how you feel but damn why don’t YOU try to make social change happen in the entertainment industry and see how well your LGBT paradise vision goes over when there are dozens of other people with a say.  (I could go on about how poorly that was handled on both ends, but that is another point altogether.)

More than anything, I’m happy that some 7 year old kid who LOVES the badass Captain Takashi Shirogane is going to see him get married on screen and kiss a MAN.  Like holy shit, that is HUGE.  Do I think it could have been written better?  Absolutely.  But This show wasn’t made for me it was made for the 7 year kid out there is going to think “Shiro kissed a boy, maybe I’m not weird for wanting to kiss boys” and THAT is what Representation in children’s media is all about.  I’m going to celebrate this and everything else related to Shiro’s LGBT status because what matters to me way more than ships or satisfying romantic arcs is maybe when my little nephew sees his favorite character is gay he will be a little more open and comfortable when I bring my girlfriend to family dinner.

I think it would do the fandom (especially the Sheith shippers) some good to step back, take off their shipping goggles, and recognize this for the stride in Children’s media that it is. That being said I’m gonna be reading and writing the fix-it fics along with the rest of you, because fandom and how I enjoy the show can be whatever I want.

The conclusion and why I still love Voltron:

You know what?  Yes I felt a little let down by the writing, but Voltron is one of the first fandoms I’ve been so involved in and I have had such wonderful experiences while enjoying this show.  I’m never going to let some dissatisfaction ruin this for me.  The nice thing about fandom, is I can enjoy my version of the show however I want it, and it doesn’t have to effect how I feel about canon at all.  And when I take off my fandom goggles, this season was actually pretty enjoyable.

I encourage anybody who has enjoyed the show up to this point to put your bitterness aside and do what you’ve been doing from the start.  Create some content, consume some content, ship what you want, and don’t you dare let anybody ruin this for you.  You have good memories with this show, keep them good and move froward.

Peace out my dudes, I’m gonna be hanging out in Sheith hell for at least another 6 months.

It was an honor flying with you all.

[gis-is-back]

THREE MONTHS

WHAT

HOW

What have I even been doing?????? like I know i log “every day” (in quotes because there was definitely a period when i had to catch up like a solid week in one day) but like what have i even been doing? (Off topic: this is kinda a motivation for like doing good things for yourself e.g. eating healthy, exercising, whatever because god damn the time is going to fly by anyway so like why not set yourself up for success so you can look back and be like woah all I had to do was that????? and now I’m here and I’m healthy and I’ve developed good habits???? It was that easy?? ok i guess we’re gonna keep going in the parentheses because en fait thats what i HAVE been doing!!! Bitch is eating right and counting calories and getting her mf STEPS in BOY) oh wow we’re out of the parentheses finally. Can you tell im like high on endorphins or something? ok so lemme hole up and figure out what I usually write in these month posts ill brb. I know i was not happy during the two month one, ok brb for real this time. 

Aight! So! bitch was definitely feeling bummed. And iirc I felt that way ab france until vic left BORDEAUX so a solid couple weeks. the trip with the girls was AMAZING like seriously exactly what i needed and (oh thats where the time went/what Ive been doing lol problem solved) it went by SO FAST. I’m talking a) I was tripping ab how it was already over and b) I’m still tripping about how its already been two weeks since it ended?? but yeah the time flies when ur having the most fun youve ever had in the last three months saying is real. but yeah I was bummed until vic left and i can definitely say that if she hadn’t have come to bordeaux I would probably still feel that way (to an extent). I had been living under EXTREME self-restriction in terms of spending money and eating out (one and the same lol). But when she came here obvi we had to go out to eat and she like opened up this new aspect of Bordeaux that I had never really gotten to enjoy. I needed to relax and just live, spend the money, eat the food, participate in the city and all it offers. The other aspect she helped me in is not feeling so insecure about language. I would feel a lot of pressure to speak french only and that it was taboo to speak english but while she was here it kinda dawned on me that they didnt know english and they were actually intimidated by ME. Sometimes. idk. but that was another aspect I got to relax about. 

Then suddenly she leaves and im okay! I just do what I want! I’m living a more balanced (ok not RNRN cuz I’m eating out all the damn time but we can pretend (not pretend because its real) that i’m coming out of a deficit of not eating out) life. I’m doing gentle exercises and eating proper amounts and generally doing good things for myself. I do a lot by myself which I love but I’m also doing things with others. I have organized two trips with DAnielle that are coming up, and successfully one by myself! I’m going to Venice!!! I’ve really had a lovely past week because I’ve been doing so much with others, and i’m really beginning to enjoy myself here. I appreciate it when I’m busy (which is usually just me finding things to be busy with instead of actually having things to do) and I appreciate my down-time. I have no complaints about either. 

A couple weeks ago something clicked in me where I saw exactly where and what I wanted my life to look like and the path towards it lit up. I wrote about it in one of my daily posts. But as the days go one some of it seems more certain than others, specifically on a relationship level. Some days I feel like I know exactly what I want and that I should go get it and some days I feel like I have time and it would be interesting to see how i’d do on my own and to see what might happen. I have a lot of choices in life and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be an active decider in my fate that might bring about regret or if I should be pleasantly surprised with what life brings before me. But either of those could go the other way as well. I suppose the only truth is that I’m only 20 and i have time.

Something I’ve been struggling with is absorbing my experiences. I feel like I’m supposed to have some internal “click” in which I can take a mental image of the sights, sounds, emotions, etc. everything about a moment. Like when I saw Big Ben or when I saw mf STONEHENGE it was like “HELLO THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU IN REAL TIME RIGHT NOWWWWWWWW”. I guess that comes with high expectations? but even for a moment when I was just hanging out with Vic and Kayla it was just like “this is going to end, are you in the moment? are you fully aware of whats happening?”. I could not get that thought out of the back of my head and I had it until the literal moment vic stepped on the bus to take her to the airport. I even looked back when I walked away to get a last glimpse like “thats the moment you’d been thinking about since you saw her for the first time in 4 months”. Kinda depressing. And then the same thing starts happening with everyday actions. The meal you’re eating will be over, you will walk to school and suddenly you’ll be there, your 9:30-7:30 day will end. Life is just going and I’m not sure how to realize it. But i guess the only response is that this is inherently a PART of life: the watching it go. I can’t keep food in my mouth forever, I can’t walk in place and never reach my destination, I can’t be stuck in a day. it always goes on and that’s part of the experience. The bad days will be over just as quickly as the good ones and you exchange your time for memories. Which is why I’m so glad I’m documenting as much as I can. We are so lucky to exist in an age where we can take pictures and videos, and I can chapter my life with different albums and songs so as to be taken back whenever I listen to a certain song. Like I used to listen to one album on repeat for my first month here and whenever I listen to one of the songs from it I am actually placed back in time. its really quite amazing and a GREAT solution for my dilemma.

But yeah! That’s how I’ve been feeling lately, I guess i’m really liking my time here (is it the city itself or my freedom? Month four Giselle will have to answer that). Hopes for the next 30 days: I dont die (if I do I love you all and I know how much you love me, wow thats morbid is this a bad idea? am I manifesting negative events into my life?????? I hope not!), I get that internship, I get into that mf class, I pass my finals, I eat everywhere I wanted to in BDX, I start seeing my face slim down, I have a good time!!! ok PEACE