#like it makes me feel so insane and demotivated like | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nicromancytarot · 6 months ago

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so how did you manage to find the exact name of your spouse thats quite cool!

It’s a long story in all honesty. 2022 I liked this guy, and I stumbled across pick a cards on YouTube, I watched one about my future spouse and it mentioned some specific things that unfortunately for 2022 me did not add up with the guy I liked. At the end of 2022 I interacted with my future spouse unknowingly, and he’s always been under my nose which sounds insane and creepy at the same time. My friend sent me a video of him in 2021 and I had no idea who he was, I used an audio of him on tiktok in 2022 and still hasn’t a clue of his existence, even as far back to 2020 when I saw him on youtube and vowed to never watch his content ‼️

He’s somewhat in the influencing space if you can’t already tell (I’ll keep his name private for the sake of both of our privacies and timing, since obviously things can change) so I didn’t think much of it. Then mid 2023 I got back into Tarot and pick a cards, I was feeling really demotivated so I decided to watch some about my future spouse again, same thing as always happens, I put two and two together and was like “oh, hang on a minute” then bro got semi cancelled and I was onto bigger and greater things, hoping Louis Partridge was my husband instead 😔

I always felt verrrry drawn to this person no matter what and it pissed me off cus this was my era of loving Miguel Ohara and wishing that he was real, but it was spoiled by this man being on my mind. So around 5 months later I got back into his content (very loosely) and I was a tad more content with him being my future spouse.

I then started learning more about astrology, he hasn’t got many chart analysis posts about him as he’s not mainstream or anything, but the ones that he does have, the “soulmate” ones weirdly describe me and it’s creepy, because it makes me feel parasocial, I only know one other person with a “famous” future spouse so I don’t really know how to feel about it, since there’s so many unsuspecting, but it’s weird to know who you’re going to marry.

Another thing I should probably say is that my spirit guides don’t hide much from me anymore, the start of 2023 they gave me a blob of information about the universe and how it works and all these things about the afterlife (which again, makes me sound psycho, so I don’t speak about it) I’m writing a book on it, have been for the last year, it’s definitely going to be a lot when I one day release it lmao, but because of them telling me all this stuff, they don’t really care to hide my future spouse’s identity for me, I think they figured that it will motivate me to actually get my ass up and become who I want to become so we can meet.

But going back to the astrology, I was told by my spirit guides via pendulum that I was going to meet him at 21, that was told to me October last year, December last year I was looking through our astrology transits, we both have a 5th house (love and relationships) transit on November 24th 2026, 14 days after my 21st birthday. So that was certainly confirmation lmao. His 7th house ruler (where you could meet) in astrocartography goes over the country I live in, and my 7th house ruler also goes over that place too, so again, very strange.

During my October pendulum time, I spoke with one of my great grandparents who had a specific message for me, and she proceeded to spell out his name, so that’s how I know that lmao.

I’ve done so many readings on it since because it does make you feel absolutely, incredibly insane and possibly out of your mind, and they’ve always added up. I did a “how he’s going to meet his future spouse” and then mine, they added up too much, it was terrifying (bro feels rejected by me, L) and I also asked for confirmation a few nights later for just a single sign that he is indeed my future spouse, I pulled AT THE SAME TIME the lovers and two of cups, I genuinely sobbed when I realised I could’ve recorded it, it’s the craziest thing that’s happened to me in Tarot I swear.

I also received a few readings since during exchanges and games where people have straight up confirmed that he is who I think he is. So hopefully we both make the right decisions to be together in the end, it’s definitely not an opportunity I plan on missing out on.

I can’t lie, knowing your future spouse is hard, especially if they’re somewhat someone you look up to, I’m not necessarily a “fan” of him, I don’t really interact with his content anymore, I haven’t really done so since early 2023, but I feel guilty for not doing so now as of who he is to me, and who he shall be. I constantly have doubts about it, my guides get pissed off at me all the time because I’m always asking for confirmation or searching for something, but really all I know now is that if I make all the right choices, and he does too, then we will become what we will be, but for now I guess I feel isolated in that.

I won’t get into the whole negative side of knowing your future spouse, unless some asks me to lmao, it’s certainly too much for this already too long rant.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk xoxo

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wulvert · 11 days ago

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I hope this isn’t one of those impossible to answer questions but, how did you start drawing/stay motivated?? I’ve wanted to make comics/ just draw in general for awhile but my art always looks BADDDD and seeing people (like my bf for example) be great at art and even going to university for it it’s like…. Huhhggugugufufgguugufufufuufufufufuueuwuaaaaaaaaa- and demotivates me a little, yk??

i started drawing bc i wanted to draw warrior cats

staying motivated is different for everyone, for me, NOW I really want to be able to draw my ocs fast and efficiently, im the only one who can draw my ocs because im the only one who knows them so i must do it, and i want to draw them well so I must improve. This may not work for everyone but I am an insanely jealous person, I covet so hard. obvs we covet what we see every day, so following artists I'm jealous of makes me want to get better, and to get better i must keep drawing so one day i can be like twitter user #42. I guess that's finding inspiration. maybe FIND INSPIRATION!!! is a nicer recommendation than become ENVIOUS. sorry. follow your inspirations.

Making drawing not a painful gut wrenching experience is incredibly important, personally I like to get something DONE, i want to fail FAST and move onto the next thing, I rarely sketch and i do thick non intricate line art to accommodate this, if i was forcing myself to do insanely rendered portraits every day i would stop drawing, i dont like it or find it fun! maybe once in a blue moon is a good time.

Doing figure drawings is genuinely the biggest game changer, not even to get better at art, obviously it does that but as a side effect it makes drawing so much easier, if i want to draw a full body now It is not a battle, i can just do that, even if it is wonky i can complete it without struggling on a sketch for three hours. I think improving your fundamentals makes drawing more fun and less like a slog to get through. I started trying to do figure drawing every day a couple months ago, i dont always manage but i try to get it most days of the week & now the way i feel about drawing has flipped entirely, the amount of art i post has like quadrupled since september.

Feeling bad about your art is normal! I have never felt happy with mine, i know i cant draw faces very well and i avoid feet but I will get there one day if i keep it up, im focusing my reference drawing on faces atm! I am the happiest with it i have ever been just because im having fun with it for the first time in a long time but I still have a long way to go. Keeping it up is hard but it is worth it if its something you enjoy :) Finding method that you enjoy drawing with takes a long time, It took me years to figure out i just do not like using pen pressure at all whatsoever & since then digital drawing has become a lot less physically painful for my hand lol.

also making comics just helps a lot. you dont have time to make everything perfect, you just have to keep drawing and getting better. u will hate all your old pages eventually it genuinely rules.

I hope this doesnt read as BECOME ENVIOUS AND SPIT OUT DRAWINGS FAST WITH NO REGARD FOR QUALITY bc that isnt what i mean, i just mean streamlining my process helped me find what i like to focus on in my art which is shape and colour, and learning how to make shapes better helped me have more fun. I like quality and spending time perfecting things i just like spending time on the things i care about! & now im trying to branch out into other non illustration stuff im just having a good time.

soz this is long i hope it answered ur question in some form

#my fave artist atm is actuallyrae/ginjaninjaowo #I ADORE their approach to art lately #their recent videos going more into their process have been gen inspirational in a non envious coveting way i just love their way of lookin #at things #ADORE IS THE WORD!!

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natsmagi · 8 months ago

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tbh you should just sexualize your fem Tsumugi more. I'm talking full on fetish hentai style. Put her in the open boob sweater. Have her accidentally flash while leaning fowards. Have her slip and show pantsu. Full kink with no breaks. Please shut these anons up. People trying to police your creativity like it has some sort of reflection on your morals or beliefs. I also wish you would stop answering them? or at least tagging it as anon hate because it's so sad to keep seeing people be so mean to you over and over when most of us just want to enjoy your big brain takes and drawings. Maybe I'm getting parasocial bc I get so sad seeing people hate on your Tsumugi I love her she's just like me fr!!! All that matters is that you enjoy how you draw her and I hope you don't feel pressured to change your headcanons.

HWEISUHRUHKDHG I SHOULDDDDDDDDD I SHOULD UR RIGHT ive been too prudish as of late. need to be insane again. Tbh ive made some art that was made purely bc i am a freak and insane but i feel like its never the art people would expect it to be. And thats really funny to me. like my more explicit stuff is just drawn for fun But if uve ever looked at a drawing of mine and gone "this seems kind of freakish conceptually even though the execution isnt super weird" Well thats probably bc it actually is freakish. sorry. My suggestive art is usually just for the vibes tho i DID also like. yesterday?? discover a twt acc that will sometimes post various lingerie fits SO!! MAYBE ILL DRAW SOME SOON 💪💪

AND AUGHHH I KNOWWWW in the beginning i thought itd be worth replying to people bc i was like "well this is all kind of niche. im sure they have good intentions so we might aswell talk it out" But as things progress its been made clear thats doing me or anyone else no favors. i love having discussions, so i reply to most of my asks! but i do hope that ive made myself clear enough and that we can all just continue doing our own things im sorry to hear its made you sad though!!!!! rest assured its not something that demotivates me, nor is it something that makes me feel i need to change how i draw. i do what i do because i enjoy it! and i know others enjoy it too! i will never be able to appeal to everyone, and that has never been my goal. i like having fun with others though, which is why i enjoy hearing why others might think differently than me!

but yes! i already feel ive said my piece on the whole discourse thing by now and i hate walking in circles, so even if i get negative asks about it i likely wont answer unless i feel its warranted. but! if that does happen, ill be sure to tag it! you can mute "#discourse tag" ahead of time incase i ever end up using it

#btw about the lingerie thing one thing ive thought about doing is like #lingerie designs of some of their idol outfits #just bc i think that would be SO pretty #but i havent done it yet bc.............. designing lingerie seems hard KUASHDFKAHSDKJGHJK #BUT AUGHHHHHH I SHOULDDDDDDDD that would be so fun.........#and also a challenge for me #ask

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auckie · 3 months ago

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waiting for the beta fish post to drop ill wait however long it takes idc 🦦

Okay. I’m ready. Nothing demotivates me more than losing progress on like. A game, or word document or whatever. A lost ask is like a grain of sand dropped into the ocean.

Anyways!

So betas are often sold in little cups, right? And the people at say, pet smart tell you, ‘yeah a bowl will do’. WRONG! While betas are somewhat low maintenance fish compared to many— a cheap but beautiful option that seemingly needs no filter or heater and very minimal space, it is now widely accepted that this is flat out untrue. Everyone knows males cannot be kept together, but even having just one fish I would highly recommend a ten gallon. May seem excessive but considering that betas do well in high tannin naturalistic setups, you’re going to want to fill this space with plants and hides. What’s more is if you don’t want to do a self filtering tank (which will still require moving water and regular changes/cleanings or refills), it is still generally recommended that you do invest in a filter and heater. I’ve seen some people go about this by using natural sunlight or heat lamps but 1) harder to regulate 2) risks overheating.

I used to keep fish. Betas and a warm fresh water 1 gallon with a few species together. I don’t anymore for a few reasons. Mostly the upkeep, and because for me personally. I just don’t like keeping fish. Any animal that’s bigger than your thumb, if it lives in a cage or tank and spends most of its time in there. This isn’t to say it’s wrong by any means, but like birds…I’ve just come to think ‘yeah we probably shouldn’t be keeping them outside of their natural habitat esp if they’re highly social or mobile creatures. Moreover with long life spans and high social/mating needs.’ Again! Not condemning the practice for others. It can certainly be done right! But it’s often a lot more time consuming and costly than people realize. Now if you’re willing to invest in what it takes to keep the animal comfortable by all means! Aquarium keeping can be super rewarding, and making naturalistic setups makes for beautiful and calming decor. It’s an amazing hobby. Even if you can’t keep something as simple as duckweed alive for whatever reason, artificial hardscapes with plastic plants and such can still look okay. And a ten gallon + tank vacuum + simple filter and heater really won’t cost you much! I highly recommend looking to YouTubers for tank inspiration, and tips!

If you do decide to go for a 3-5 gallon, or some nontraditional choice of habitats, like a large vase. Well I can’t stop you, and that doesn’t t mean your fish will die. It was a common myth not to long ago that fish couldn’t feel pain, and that their memory spans only lasted for 3 seconds. This is false, and luckily not as widely believed thankfully— but it’s a great example of how people will assume that non mammalian animals have simpler needs due to misunderstanding how their bodies operate, simply because of how different they are than say a cat or dog. Not accusing you of this by any means— you may very well be waaay more informed and aware of this than I am. But it’s a necessary disclaimer.

Other easy to keep fish include neon tetra, fantail guppies (but do not mix them with fish who will nip their tails), and the classic goldfish. another disclaimer about the latter: flushing goldfish thought to be dead, or simply tossing unwanted ones into local water ways has caused them to become a highly invasive species in many areas across North America. Do NOT do this. They’re outcompeting native species due to how fucking hardy they are, and growing to insane sizes. The lack of natural predators and peoples unwillingness to fish for them makes for a particularly nasty pest :/

These aforementioned fish save the goldfish will need the same basic things as a beta, but can be kept in mixed sexed groups, and tetras are often kept with great danio, mollies, and even tiger barbs (who are cute but can be a little aggressive for smaller beginner fish). All of these are available at big chain pet stores for very cheap.

If you’re hellbent on forgoing heaters and filters you could try triops (they don’t require much space but love to dig so have some specific substrate needs, and don’t live very long but can be multigenerational and sustained if done correctly. They’re also insanely cute and entertaining to watch), shrimp (so many different kinds!), snails, or even a mixture of these!

There’s also ecojars. Very cheap to make, and very educational! I love microfauna and follow a lot of YouTubers who’ve had great success making both aquatic and terrestrial ecojars from the local environments around them. If you live by the coast, brackish and saltwater jars are a lot harder, but freshwater ones are very simple! Terrestrial ones are basically just vivariums/terrariums you can even stock by going out to forage for things like snails, slugs, isopods, millipedes, etc. Clean up crew critters do well, but larger predatory insects are a bit harder to keep in an enclosed/self sustaining habitat. That brings us to our next options!

If I can sell you out of aquariums for an easier and possibly cheaper or equal price with a lot less upkeep! But. It involves insects so I’m going to put it under a cut in case that is not something you’re looking for. It’s long too, so feel free to ignore it. BUT! If I’m able to wet your whistle please feel free to ask for more info 🤠

Bugs! Well, arthropods. Such as: isopods (I have rubber duckies and they are doing exceptionally well eating nothing but leaves with the occasional fruit or veggie and calcium sources! They cohabitate with spring tails, harmless soil mites, and terrestrial amphipods. There are many much cheaper and hardier species that are easier to find such as dwarf whites, dairy cows, or even local wild caught ones! Another warning is to NOT dump these outside. And be careful foraging for things from outside for them to eat because you never know what’s been treated with pesticides or beneficial nematodes, or is infested with fungus, mold, or harmful pest species like parasites or mites).

Really all you need for any given species is a little container with a few air holes, substrate such as coco fiber, reptisoil, jungle mix, or your own backyard topsoil which ideally has been baked to sterilize. You can also bake pinecones and oak or magnolia leaves for them to feed on. Crush them up and mix them into the substrate, and add either crushed oyster shells or maybe bits of limestone or coral if you have them available. You can buy cuttlefish bone online as well. They love cork bark, but again, I’m sure if you find and bake bark or bits of drift wood, you can make that work too. They loooove to eat moss, and some species will readily gobble up fish food and bee pollen. Josh’s frogs (as well as other brands) make some specific powder blends that I feed mind. I think it’s called bug burger. The general practice is to create a ‘moist side’ and ‘dry side’ gradient so the isopods have a choice of where to go. They have gills but that doesn’t mean they want to always be drowning in 90% humidity. There’s a lot of beautiful exotic species but they get expensive fast, and are often fond of burrowing or hiding in sphagnum moss so you won’t always see them, and well. They’re usually tiny.

Millipedes are very similar— some are huge and beautiful, some even look like giant isopods (pill millipedes), but burrow, so…you won’t get the most visual bang for your buck.

A lot of people are very fond of finding and keeping jumping spiders. They’re cute to look at and fun to feed, but this requires buying feeders (crickets, meal worms, roaches, or fruit flies depending on size and what’s available near you), but that’s not always everyone’s speed. Plus they don’t live very long once they’re adult size and sexually mature. You can buy them as well but, I prefer to just enjoy them outside. Why take a solid guy out of his environment if he’s not gonna live much longer and is doing his part in ridding your yard of gross bitches? They do a NUMBER on mosquitos.

Beetles! Some species stay grubs for the majority of their lives and will be buried until they’re ready to go out and find love, so as much as I love larger species that are fun to interact with, I’m going to lean towards what I own: the blue feigning death beetle

Very silly little beasts. Very low maintenance! They live in American deserts and are covered by a powdery residue that helps them retain moisture. You can make a mix of sand and coco fiber and keep them in an open top tank (I keep mine in a huge fish bowl), and provide them with hides such as cholla wood or cork bark, rocks and even plastic decor. They will eat almost anything and get most of their moisture from their diet. I feed mine cut up fruits and veggies, the occasional roach, beetle jellies, bug burger, chicken feed, cat food (wet or dry), sugar water in little bottle caps with a sea sponge, moss, or cotton ball in them, fish flakes, freeze dried peas, bee pollen, and even like. Leftover bread or popcorn so long as it’s unseasoned. They can go a while without food or water too, so handle neglect well. But so long as you give them a ‘wet sweet food’ and protein at least once a week you should be Gucci. They’re diurnal afaik and will begin moving about when it’s light out. They don’t need heat lamps or anything of the sort.

They rarely bite and when they do it’s because you have food on your hand, and it doesn’t hurt. They can’t climb or fly, and play dead when threatened. Very cute to watch, and hold, and they’re constantly fucking. Sometimes a male will see another male trying to feel up a larger female, and will climb atop them both and start trying to have sex with the male. I’ve seen two males feeling up and trying to go at it with a rock. They’re so funny. But it’s very difficult to breed them in captivity. They live a while tho so hey, you got a while to research and experiment! Because of this, however, most available for purchase are wild caught. And I personally am not crazy about that.

Scorpions! There’s a good amount of largely harmless species that make for great pets! Asian forest and emperor are the first two that pop into my head. They glow under UV light, making them easy to find, and don’t have to eat super often. The one I own loves to run up to the side of its enclosure whenever I walk by, throwing its claws up to show me it means business. I’ve never been stung but I hear it’s like a bee sting. The two species listed are cheap and prefer it moist, and afaik don’t really sting once they’re mature. They prefer to use their claws to do the talking. Below is a random species under UV light:

And finally, the most visually pleasing, long living, and low maintenance yet entertaining things I own: tarantulas. Given that I work at a tarantula breeder and am incredibly biased feel free to ignore this next bit, but also hear me out. I’ve never been afraid of tarantulas, but used to be a bit wigged out by spiders as a kid. T’s, at least the new world species I own, are so. Much more stationary, slow, and just. Nonchalant than most true spiders I’ve kept. You will usually know if and when they’re about to strike.

Orb weavers have never done well for me, but I’ve had some luck with cobweb weavers (they don’t tend to remake their webs every fucking day which helps with setting up a habitat), but they just don’t live very long— and when something has such a short lifespan I feel guilty for keeping it from its primary goal of breeding. Tarantulas, however, can live for up to 20+ years. And you can make money breeding them! But a lot of discords or Facebook groups dedicated to this are. Like full of the most obnoxious people you’ve ever met. Males don’t live as long, they usually croak after sexually maturing and then molting again. If they’re lucky they might make it one more. And they don’t have a great chance when it comes to breeding and surviving. Depends on the breeder controlling the situation. I’ve read that the longest lived one on record was a female Goliath bird eater* clocking in at over 30 years old. That’s a fucking cat. Not all get huge either! There’s dwarf species, and many are arboreal meaning you’re likely to see it often!

The shop I work at, along with most tarantula breeders recommend a GBB as a first time spider. I fucking Do Not. They’re aggressive, cute as spiderlings but less cute as adults, gross (web and bolases and shit everywhere), kick urticating hairs* that drive me nuts. And they just suck.

I have two coworkers who follow me and will strongly disagree but I don’t care because I know I’m right on this one: my top beginner picks are the caribena (formerly avicularia) versicolor.

As slings they are bright blue and so fucking funny. They walk like a cat with mittens on and their urticating hairs are so fucking mild that you won’t even notice them. Their red mouths stick out like a shitty lipstick on their stupid blue bodies and they love to shake their butts before they jump, like a cat but way worse. They’re not terribly fast and their bite is nothing. It’s worthless. They’re…somewhat sensitive and do like to randomly die, but so long as you keep them in an arboreal enclosure with ventilation and a weekly misting? You’re golden baby. They eat well, are arboreal so you’ll always see them, and can be kept in fairly small enclosures for quite some time! Here’s what they look like as adults:

Still pretty! And not scarily massive.

I own an even more sensitive species: the Brazilian jewel tarantula. It’s a dwarf species but stupid expensive and makes a shitty trapdoor so you don’t see it often which is a shame bc they’re beautiful and so adorable. Similar mannerisms and levels of ‘this piece of shit can’t hurt me’. Ideally you won’t be handling them but, well, I can’t blame you if you do bc it’s fun. I don’t own any species that care hurt me bc why would I want to?

For some. More common first time reccs tho, I would probably say the Arizona blonde (very chill and fuzzy. Somewhat more itchy), the Brazilian black (a little less stunning but also pretty chill and fun to watch because they will completely rearrange the furniture of their habitat for no reason), the Chilean rose hair (read previous)— basically any grammastola or brachypelma species. Hamorii (Mexican red knees) look cool. Another controversial pick are cyriocosmus. They have golden hearts on their butts! They’re pricier though, and again, other t keepers act as if they’re hard. They’re not. Most new world species are simple if you just research them— my boss often will balk and laugh when she hears people are buying 1/2 inch slings and putting them in like, 5 gallon tanks. But it’s literally fine. They def don’t need that much space but if they burrow. Look for the hole. Give them enough substrate, keep it moist but not sopping. Ventilation is key. Some people use empty, clear take out bins or medicine vials to keep these things in, and that’s fine so long as there’s air holes. You can use a soldering iron or small drill, or even a pin to poke some into the container, depending on how hard it is. Even larger spiders have been kept in big empty jars and such. You feed them once a week unless they’re in premolt (they get fat and shiny or lose their hair on their asses and may make a molt mat of web, or a little enclosed webbing bubble, or bury themselves and won’t eat during this time which, depending on species, could be a while), or whenever they look skinny!

If they’re arboreal give them a vertical climb, be it a real plant or plastic, cork bark, even aquarium decor. So long as it’s not sharp because tarantulas are surprisingly delicate.

Feed them something the size of their ass give or take, and disable it using little, sharp feeding tongs (grab the head and drop it in near them, or hold it to them at a distance and if it’s moving they’ll usually strike). Some super tiny slings will even eat springtails. Larger, adult T’s can take multiple dubia or even big ass roaches like hissers. It’s kind of sad feeding them off but, the spiders gotta eat 🤷‍♂️ if you’re interested and have any questions on other species, or the ones I listed, lemme know!

Okay. And by far. The least wanted or liked recommendation I have. Are roaches 😔 there’s some beautiful species out there man. Hissers are super fucking docile, but prolific. They hiss when scared, but never bite. They don’t even eat each other in times of duress! They do have spiky leg bits which can scare some people off. But take a look at emerald roaches (which are. Expensive 😶), don’t they look like cool beetles? They’re arboreal! Then there’s the table mountain roach, which SQUEAKS when scared! The domino roach! I’ve posted pics of molting roaches many times— they’re soft and white and have huge, mantid like eyes. It’s very disarming and cute. They’re so much more intelligent than we give them credit for. The roaches I keep at work know when I’m about to feed them and they all clamor at the tops of their bins, and once the feed is in they all grab a bit and run off with it in their mouths like dogs! Many tropical, burrowing species are basically little cows, and many are amazing parents which is a rarity in the insect world!

Most of these fellers can do well in a plastic bin with a top, with ventilation of course. And the usual substrate, hides like cork bark and rocks and moss, misting, and similar feed to isopods and the beetles I mentioned. As for price and availability, well, you’re probably only going to be able to find hissers and dubia unless you have a niche store near you or are willing to have them shipped. And while I love both of them. They are gross. They’re R strategists to a T and will multiply to the point that they require sell offs or regular culling. Which, if you own species that eat them, it can be a win win! But they also are hard to keep clean. So I probably, actually do not recommend them 😞 the less prolific, more beautiful species are cleaner, but more expensive. But hey, I had to shoot my shot, right?

Okay. Well. Thank you for listening if you got this far. Good luck either way and thanks for being patient!

*Goliath bird eaters and any similar named bird eating tarantula do not. I mean they *can* eat birds yeah but that’s just a shocking name that stuck. Don’t let that scare you. But also that species sucks so it doesn’t matter

*pretty sure I put another asterisk in here but I can’t find it and don’t remember what it was for sorry. Shoot me an ask if it was like. Killing you ig

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youredreamingofroo · 9 months ago

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Goodbye? I don't think so. I hope not. A very, very long rant about storage (🙄), simblr and whatever the fuck else I go on about for a few paragraphs. Skip to the end at the gold text for a more.... "definitive" answer. Especially if you want to skip the nitty gritty and sappy wappy.

i dont know what to do anymore, I freed up 18 GBs of space it all managed to go down the drain in literally an hour, Im moving my blender things to my external HDD, because that alone is 20 GBs (because of Scene sizes), I just hate to free up the space because I dont want it to go right back down. This all sucks cuz I really really enjoy being on Simblr, but sims 4 just continues to be a nuisance, whether its actual problems or its storage problems, it just always finds a way, every year, to get me to suddenly decide that im retiring until my next bout of Sims 4 hyperfixation. I love all of you guys and I love seeing how you all enjoy my work, and what I do, and I love seeing your stuff, you all make such amazing creations, granted if I stopped playing TS4, it wouldnt mean I have to stop interacting on simblr, it just wouldnt be the same. A pattern I notice anytime I start a social media platform, is that something always finds its way into completely demotivating me from posting, whether it's just literal lack of motivation, depression, realizing a project is too vast for me, storage problems, it's always something and it's always when I finally get comfortable or happy on a platform, especially after making friends, not that im saying my friends are one of the reasons I leave, thats far from it. I REALLY dont wanna take a break from Sims 4, I really really genuinely wanna start posting my story (W.A.S), but I'm not like a Sims 4 youtuber, I can't remain dedicated to one game, I play other games, I wanna play the Witcher games (or at least try to play them, I kinda suck rn), I wanna finish Detroit become human, I want to 100% Beyond two souls (and DBH), I wanna finish Disco elysium (started and never fucking finished 💀), I want to play Baldur's Gate 3, I mean, I purchased it at full price and I can't even play the game??... 😮‍💨 You get the point. At this point I wouldn't consider this a "goodbye," note, not... necessarily? I just get so frustrated having no storage, not to mention the fact that I need storage to literally do the stuff I do, like make edits, make poses, make renders, so the fact that I can't even do that, is just like... what's the point of even having Sims 4 anymore at that point? But I don't wanna leave simblr, I don't want to stop creating. It's funny, as I write this, I continue to give myself more and more of a reason to leave, the only real thing that's stopping me is just the fact that there's so many nice people here, I know that if I stopped playing the sims 4, I'd probably move onto another game (BG3................,,,,,..) and leave tumblr, or, at least leave Simblr. Which as I (think) said before, that's sad, I'd be sad, I'd miss people like Lori (groovetrys) and Lauren (miralure), June (circusjuney), Jade (gamyrmaiden), Anna (holocene-sims), butter (buttertrait), Fae (acuar-io), Verco (vercosims) and god, so many others, and sorry to break the atmosphere suddenly, but as I'm writing this, I'm listening to "In another life," from Everything everywhere all at once and it's making this very emotional for me, so if it gets sappy I apologize.

And I guess to be... insanely honest, as much as I want to release my story (trust me, I REALLY want to), I'm slowly beginning to realize more and more how not-easy it's gonna be to make scenes, writing it is fine for me, its just setting up the scenes feels like i'm forbidden to a life of staring at a bunch of words (pose names) trying to figure out what's what, where is what, what to do, where is where, who is who, who is what, how is what, how and why, need I continue. Storytelling is so insanely important to me, I believe that despite how little I read and despite how terrible of a student I have been, and despite how poor my literature skills are, that storytelling is still so important, fuck it, poetry has been such an inspiration for me, but I don't fucking know how to write poetry?? I can barely understand poetry at times, but it's still all so beautiful to me, the concept and the fact that people use metaphors so meticulously to create an allegory for something beautiful, or traumatic or sad, like in not so berry, the concept of an ocean being alexanders "love," and cataleya drowning in it, and her realizing she's drowning in his "love," but when she wants to leave, she really wonders if she actually wants to leave, to conceptualize and create this awful relationship in the means of an ocean is so... well, not beautiful in a reality sense, but in a technical/literary sense, it's beautiful, it's expression, and THATS what im passionate about. Remember what I said about getting sappy? Yea, sorry about that. After a while, I wonder what good repeating myself does, I've said about 5 or 6 times that I don't want to leave, yet here I am, with the mouse over the uninstall button like an idiot about to press the big "DON'T TOUCH" button, perhaps it's the idea that after repeating myself over and over again, that maybe I'll make up my mind, do I do a coin flip? I never listen anyways, I always continue to flip until it lands on what I like. So... why am I still writing? To be honest, I should've stopped by now, but you can only stop a dam so much before it all comes out. I do this with my friends, when I'm sad, I pour my heart out until it's a repetitive and overcooked version of "I'm sad." I write paragraph after paragraph and I literally could've just said "I don't have storage. Considering leaving simblr," and the same message would've gotten across, and I apologize, if you're still reading this, for making such a lengthy post, but I couldn't quite help spilling a bit of water everywhere, although I guess now my little puddle of water has become a flood. I use metaphors a lot, I apologize... again.

So what does all this bullshit that I typed out mean?

I don't know. I wonder the same myself, I'm fighting a battle more fierce than the one I had with my period last week, "Do I uninstall Sims 4 so I can have more freedom, and enjoy more content? or do I continue this rigorous battle of needing storage for the sake of a tumblr page, my enjoyment for writing and other shit I do in the sims 4?" I cannot say I will take a hiatus, because I will procrastinate, and I will forget completely about posting, and tumblr in general. I do still, at the very least, want to release my Official Teaser for my story, whether it be my last post or not, and at the very least, I want to introduce you to the characters, whether it be my last post(s) or not. Not to mention the fact that I want to continue sharing about Roo even if it's not about sims 4 anymore, I mean hell, I haven't even finished off the Leo and Roo part of his timeline.

For an INCREDIBLY watered down answer on whether or not this is goodbye, I say to you, not in this moment, not definitive enough for you yeah? Well, that's the thing, I don't have a definitive answer, you could fucking tear apart this entire college essay mat-pat style, and still not have a definitive fucking answer, and that's because I don't, sorry to all the people who don't want to listen to me rant or who want a clear answer, but I just don't have one. I've been known to make impulsive and on the whim (when I'm really emotional) decisions, and this is a situation where I don't want to do that, because I care about what I have here with ya'll.

If this ends up being one of my last posts, I bid you all adieu, I love you all, and I thank you so so so much for the laughs, and for the mutual connection we may or may not have had, I do not know if I'll make any actual posts for the next few days as I consider my decision, I will float around of course and continue reblogging this and that, and commenting and liking, etc etc. There's also a chance I may wake up tomorrow and look at this and think I was just being overly emotional about this stuff, and that now I look like an idiot, which is the case 9 times out of 10.

#If you read all of this. Thank you #if you read a little bit of this. Thank you #if you read only the gold text. Thank you #terrible time to mention this but I can't believe I'm leaving right before I hit 100 followers. A milestone I've been waiting to hit.#what a... sort of cruel joke my mind and laptop has done to me yeah?#I should've spent this time playing the Witcher but now it's 1 AM and I'm tired #Once again. Thank you.#yapping

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ewanmitchellcrumbs · 4 months ago

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This was very nice to wake up to, and put a big smile on my face, until I got to the final part. That hit me like a sucker punch, because they are right. People don’t really engage with my writing anymore. And it’s not like the engagement doesn’t exist within fandom, I see it for other people.

I have never been about numbers, so I despise that I am allowing something so insignificant to make me question my worth as a writer. I do this professionally, I get paid for it! I am not ungrateful for the people who do interact, numbers in the hundreds are still insane, but it’s difficult not to compare yourself to those who are reaching the thousands and feel inadequate, passed over, ignored.

I’ve always been confident in my abilities, but perhaps I am not as good as I think I am? I have felt really demotivated with regard to writing recently, and a large part of it is due to feeling as though I am screaming into the void a little bit. What is the point of putting words on a page that nobody will read?

Maybe it’s time to throw in the towel. Maybe I just need to touch grass. I don’t know.

#fandom rambles

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neonscreenlight · 2 years ago

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ok so i was Thinking and then i came up with an idea: what if the new ivory video is a metaphor for burnout/demotivation. hear me out:

the first half of the video is formatted exactly like a typical minecraft video. ivory said on stream that it was meant to be a "playful jab" at them (something along those lines). now, the reason why so many youtubers make videos like this is because, well, they're popular right now, the algorithm gods bless those videos in particular, until it becomes oversaturated and people move onto the next trend. and having to constantly make things you don't like because it's your only source of money, and having that thing you need to make be constantly shifting without you realizing, is like, prime burnout fuel.

so halfway during the video, ivory's persona breaks down a little. she doesn't really like the clickbaity character she's put on and and doesn't even feel convinced by it herself. there's a quote from the video right after this breakdown that i think exemplifies this: "you and i have both seen this a thousand times before. the same thing regurgitated, like a landfill of sodden ideas." as if ivory is recognizing that she wants to make different content, but the algorithm isn't going to like that content, as well as the fact that every other youtuber is probably in the same boat.

and then ebony comes. ebony is actually pretty interesting in this interpretation, because she seems to be trying to make ivory do the good thing in this situation and take a break. she feels the same way about ivory's content being unoriginal ("wow, you take over the world! how inspiring, i haven't seen that one done before.", "but you agree! it's not what i want."), but is also trying her best to get ivory out of the situation ("i'm doing you a favour. just rest, you need it.") there's a few more interesting things in the forest world scene, such as ivory saying she's tired and "this is the part where you try to justify yourself". but despite ebony trying to get ivory to rest, ivory says that she wants to get out. she hasn't killed god yet, hasn't finished making the video. right before ivory hits the candle and the epileptic scene starts, ebony says "last time you did this you nearly tore yourself in half", which implies that ivory has already worked herself to death and experienced the consequences of that, and yet she's doing it all again, because she needs to do that for money.

the epileptic scene could represent something like a moment of over-stress or having a mental breakdown? as you might be able to tell, it's slightly hard to figure out what it means exactly. but it's obvious that ivory is in pain, and trying to keep working when she was exhausted was her tipping point.

and then flashing lights and breakcore and stuff and then bam it's a normal minecraft video again woohoo! for a few minutes, at least. the video ends with a mini glitch effect, which i think could symbolize that ivory has not broken free of her pain, she's just pushed it to the side so she could finish.

yes i have gone insane

#i have watched the video like three times now and it only came out a day ago #why is it so good #why did ivory slay #ivorycello #ivoryblr #neon rants about fandoms

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maybe-its-micheal · 1 year ago

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I honestly feel like we're all underestimating Mike as a potential president?

I particularly like his ideas about making sure everyone has similar access to resources like a good home, food, and tools.

In terms of keeping players active, making sure everyone has good, resources, especislly tools and armor is really important. Etoiles has said he probably would have quit day 1 if he hadnt been given as much as he was, and its pretty clear to see from his recent streams that Slime not having. Anything. Is a real hurdle for him getting back into lore- he didn't even know what a warp stone WAS until Fit gave him one and explained it.

Newer players are not going to know the mods well. They arent going to know their best options for food and armor, they arent going to know how to get a lot of the materials people use every day for travel or building, and they arent going to know what to expect from the mobs.

Even for players that aren't new, lacking equivalent materials is going to be a big demotivator for peoole who haven't spent as much time grinding to get back into lore, or even just playing frequently. I'd love to see more qsmp content from Spreen, Luzu, Missa, Mariana, or Vagetta, but the server has changed so much from when they were more active to now that they'd probably feel pretty lost trying to get back into it. Charlie is having the same problem, and I won't be surprised if it happens to Wilbur for a bit as well.

This problem can be and has been solved. So far, its been solved through the generosity of other players. BadBoyHalo gave Etoiles a log of the materials he needed to start out, Fit has given Charlie a warp stone now and others have offered him things like armor, I imagine Phil will give Wilbur some stuff, and explain how it works, ect. This is all great, but having a standardized system in place to make SURE less rich players are taken care of would be a fantastic idea.

It isn't even neccesarily about everyone having great gear, just similar. In the begining obviously no one had many of the things they do now, but it was still fun because they were on the same level. Its certainly less fun for someone who has been away for a while to come back and not be able to travel the same way everyone else does, die to mobs way more often, stand little to no chance in pvp regardless of skill, and just generally not understand how to even go about making a lot of the progress everyone else has made.

A president who makes sure people have reasonably matched materials and a house as a starting point before they build their own sounds like a good president to me!

I know Etoiles proposes something similar, which I also approve of. For similar reasons I also really really like Insane Duo's 4D lore museam experience. I hope whoever wins takes all of these ideas into consideration, and they communicate together and settle on a good way to provide these resources, provide information about how they work, as well as some other generally important information about the mods, and make sure the base line level of materials granted is kept up to date as players continue to progress

#qsmp

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bettsfic · 8 months ago

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Hi betts, I would love any advice please 💜 I've been writing original fic for myself for many years and it's been fun. But I want to publish my writing, and now I've got 2 issues: 1 - I have never stuck to an idea once I decide to write something that others will see. It's like stage fright and I'm throwing away idea after idea. And 2 - I'm literally not used to "trying" to write well anymore. There are moments in my writing that are much better than others, just a flow or getting into the zone, whatever, but I don't have to try. It's easy to write 10-15k words a day without the pressure to do it well, but now it's grinding and fussing over every sentence and paragraph, the pressure chokes it and my writing reads strangely no matter what I do or tell myself. I studied writing at university and always seriously choked when showing people my work then, too.

Would drafting/editing practice help this at all? Publishing fragments to loosen up and "test the water" before attempting a finished story? I'm a perfectionist and am rarely if ever vulnerable with others, which has me questioning why I even put myself in this position!! I'm so demotivated and wondering whether I'm a writer who really wants to do this, or just an escapist. Thank you for reading 💜

hmm, perhaps i'm missing something. if you've been writing original fiction for yourself for years, at 10-15k a day, that means you have a portfolio of work. a large portfolio. you don't have to make anything new. i would just go through what you've already written through the lens of an audience seeing it--which will suck and feel awful--and pick out the stuff that has merit. somewhere in there has to be something you can punch up. find the piece or excerpt or chapter that you feel is the least terrifying for someone else to see, then go through the revision process with it. identify the weakest sentences and play around with them. do some major developmental revision and rewriting. i don't think you have to start from scratch.

churning out 10-15k a day is an insane feat. even if you think the writing isn't any good, it is an exceptional skill to even be able to generate that many words. my 10-15k days are pretty rare and i usually have to sleep 9 hours to get my brain back. the thing is, the process from down draft to up draft is a slow one. you might be able to *revise* 10k in a day, and that might look like one good paragraph, and that's just the way of things. if you have a 100k project you wrote for funsies, it's possible that maybe 5k of a subplot may end up developing the premise of a different story that you end up fully rewriting anyway. but it's a lot easier to give yourself the task of revising an existing idea for an audience to read, even if you're embarrassed by it, than it is to generate a completely new one.

#writing advice #revision

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peridotglimmer · 9 months ago

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okay i wasn't going to say anything but this has been driving me nuts for days now and i feel like i'm going to go insane if i don't yell into the void about this.

if all you want to comment on a fic is whining/complaining that the chapters are too short, please just don't comment at all

i've gotten (and deleted) a bunch of comments on multiple fics of mine (from multiple fandoms, i might add) over the past week that were just people complaining about the chapter length.

i have never been an author who writes stories with 5-figure wordcounts. my wordcount per chapter for multichapters probably averages between 1-1.6K. i write drabbles, flash fiction, short stories, and multichapters with one tension arc per chapter. it's in my bloody bio. i'm writing for me but posting for the sense of community and to share the love of the blorbos.

if you don't like that, please just read a different fucking fic. there are amazing authors out there who write longfics that will blow your mind, they're so good. you can see the chapter count and wordcount before you click on the title, do the math, please.

because these whining comments are just incredibly demotivating and make me want to write less.

(note: i'm not talking about enthusiastic "omg i love this i wish there was more!" comments, i'm talking about comments that read like a formal complaint to an airline)

thanks. love, belle

#belle rants #fic writing problems #writing problems #ao3

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araneitela · 6 months ago

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/breathes. This icon is called killme003.png for the sake of this post because honestly, where yesterday I was rather demotivated from writing up more meta, I woke up today with the strength of all Aeons in existence (and... not-so-in-existence-anymore) for intense research. So I put my thoughts through the sternest 'let's try to shake and shoot up the perspective/logic/theory' process that I could manage, and it's still standing. If anything, I'm more certain than I was yesterday or a week ago, that MHY is doing something substantial, and vastly nuanced with this damned character. I thought I had big-brain thoughts on/for Guizhong, but I don't know if those hold a candle to the ones I have for Kafka (actually, they really do). My issue with this lady in wine though, I don't know where to start writing it all down. It's like 10 messy whiteboards that are hypotheses on her trailer, the words she uses therein, "Don't be afraid, listen to me, wasn't it you, who invited me?", "Destiny has thousands of faces, why does it choose to wear this one?", "Stealing a glance?" during someone's final moments during her spirit whisper? Like, come on, you can't tell me she doesn't play into fate somehow beyond what we've all obviously gathered. You can't tell me that there isn't a more authentic face that has been staring right at us this entire time. She borderline if not directly says it right to us, but we're almost taught to not listen anymore, to think that there's more to something, but what if writers are using that against us, what if this is an instance where we should take words at direct face value? On top of everything else, of course. Fate is "inevitable" and right in front of us always, after all.

God, imagine a being tied so intricately woven into fate (vastly differently from Elio, mind you), speaking quotes upon quotes about the inevitability of fate, and being tied to nihilism, and yet firmly holding some sort of faith into choice, and hounds us on it. I mean come on, one of the main quotes in the entire story of HSR are her words: "When you have the chance to make a choice, make one that you know you won't regret." And she directly tells us in her own SQ, and it is a confirmed truth and not a lie, that Kafka herself does not believe destiny to be predetermined. Now to what capacity? We don't know. But the contrast of this, the rich nuance in this drives me insane. The duality of this woman, the spider (which itself is already a duality of a creature) and the butterfly (not necessarily as juxtaposed as one would believe, it all depends on perspective), the curiosity/fascination opposite her boredom, the ease of her killing which is reinforced with the emotional distance of her submachine guns, and yet she speaks how we should "let morality be our (your) guide", which fits perfectly alongside the decision of having her wield a katana, a blade that was worn by those following the highest code of honor? Speaking of emotional distance, the way she speaks of humans and humanity feels so distant, along with her talk of fragility. God, I just, want to shake HVY very firmly and fiercely. The fact that her eyes are highly likely to be concealed (hello, red), the fact that her voice is altered consistently, and yet we're shown the depth and warmth of her actual voice, and the empathy it holds consistently around primarily one person (almost two).

I love writing meta, but I don't know where to begin. I don't know where to start, but I'll get there. I just wanted to show how messy my mind is, I suppose. It makes perfect sense in my head, I've seen the dots, I've connected them, I see you MiHoYo, and you're giving me everything my brain needs in terms of latching my claws into something. But my god, where do I start writing it all down.

#[ ooc. ] don't try to make it logical or edit your soul according to the fashion. rather; follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.#[ /rests my fingers to my temples and applies pressure as if it'll give me all the answers. ]#[ i will get there. i wanted a challenge and i already knew i'd found one when i picked her up last year. but my god. ]#[ aeons give me strength to put all the stuff that's incredibly sensical and logical in my head-- to paper without it being nonsensical. ]#[ or appearing as such. ]#[ /wallows. ]#[ i should honestly have an early night and get up earlier-- i'll be gone throughout the afternoon so it'd be nice to have time... ]#[ in the morning. ]#[ or at least i believe it'll be in the afternoon. i'm gonna go sneak downstairs to check. ]#[ but hi welcome to another episode of sae losing her mind. ]#[ i'm getting one step closer to that looney bin every day. ]#[ meta. ] the mara's tether is firmly in her grasp. she will not pull upon it before the designated time; nor shall she relinquish it.#[ can i even tag it with this? no. but i'll do it any way for... reference i suppose. ]#[ any way-- GOODNIGHT LADIES AND GENTS. ]

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spider-man-199999 · 2 years ago

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Web love || Spider-Man 4

Summary: Spider-Man saved you that one time when you needed him and now he comes and checks up on you every single day.

Author's note: I'm honestly so demotivated to write this part since the whole series flopped and idk why

previously on web love: part 1 part2 part 3

this pic is a representation of how Peter feels about his mixed feeling in this fic

"...Life often times opens doors we never really expected to ever be open. And often times these new opportunities lead us to experiencing things we never have dreamed of. And these experiences shape us into the person we become. But sometimes the person we see in the mirror is not the person we want to be. Taking particular roles in life bring us misery, especially when we are not mentally prepared to meet other's expectations for this "social role". And now that we have grown up, we have gone this far, who do we owe it to? When you look back on your life you realize that it's not the groundbreaking turning point that has made us who we are but it was the little everyday things like meeting someone new, doing things you have never done before and generally having the courage to put yourself out there in the world are actually the things that really change us. Those are the things that speak for us the loudest in society and those are the things to which I owe who I am now." Peter's voice rang in the classroom as he read his English essay, his palms sweaty and his cheeks rosy. After he finished his speech the teacher thanked him and told him to sit down and as he walked down to this seat he flipped Ned off, who was filming him with his phone the whole time.

"What are you doing, nuthead?" Peter whispered to him

"I'm going to send this to Y/N, she helped you write that and wanted me to tell her how it went. But we live in the 21st century so I thought it would be better to show her instead''

"Sure, fine, even though I probably look like a dumbass-" he started saying as the teacher shushed them. Peter shook his head, getting a text from you.

Killsforpills: So, I heard the reading went well.

Spywalker: Not bad, not bad

Killsforpills: PUBG after school?

Spywalker: I have work

Killsforpills: Ok, I'll be playing if you decide to join at some point

After the last time Spider-man had come to visit he had vanished once again. You would spend most of your free time just playing videogames and doing school work. Keeping your thoughts occupied was the best way for your to not go insane after everything. Deadpool stopped showing up as well, which left you thinking that maybe this insanity was finally over for good. Maybe it was time to turn the page and try to find a boyfriend or something. Everyone around seemed occupied with someone else, Peter and MJ, Ned and some girl from their school. You felt left out, crying yourself to sleep more times than you would wish for.

Spidey, of course, was not happy about the fact either. He would always check up on you when he could, come see you as much as possible. The issue was that he felt like he had made a really big mess when he visited the last time. He was feeling like a hot mess as well, all these things happening to him. The pressure of being Spider-man, the guilt of lying to MJ about his feelings, the pain from seeing you hurt. It was all piling up, making him slowly lose his mind in all the stress. He would get injure more often than before, do worse on his test. He even seemed to space out often enough to make Ned and MJ worried about him. He would brush it off and tell them not to pay him attention ‘’it’s just superhero things’’ he would say and put on a fake smile for them. It got to the point where Ned had to call and make you try and get something out of him

“You have to call him and make him play a game together! Please, he refuses to talk to us! We need you to find something out....’‘ Ned whined through the phone, convincing you to help him.

“I don’t mean to be rude but why don’t you ask MJ? She’s his girlfriend, surely she’ll get more out of him than me.”

“We tried everything, you’re our last hope! Maybe he needs someone he doesn’t see every single day to open up to! Just try, ok?’‘

‘‘Ok, fine, I’ll try’‘ You agreed with a sigh escaping your lips.

The ringing sound was filling your ear as you had already dialed Peter, trying to reach him. After a few rings you gave up on the call, throwing your phone on the bed behind you and messaging Ned.

Killsforpills: He’s not picking up

Iamfriendswithsidey: Call him again. PLEASE

Killsforpills: Surely he would have picked up if he wanted to talk, maybe he’s busy.

You heard the vibrations from behind you, turning to see Peter calling you. Rushing to pick up you stumbled in the bed, groaning as you hit your leg and rolled on the bed, picking up.

‘‘Hey, you called’‘ You barely heard the boy’s voice from what seemed like wind

‘‘Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to play some Minecraft, ouch’‘

“What’s wrong?’‘

‘‘Fuck, um nothing, I hit my leg in the bed and it’s bleeding’‘

‘‘I’ll be over in a bit’‘

‘‘Wait, I....’‘ he had already hung up.

You felt kind of bad, maybe he thought it was a serious injury and that’s why he was rushing over but in reality it was just a scratch and he was going to go out of his way for nothing. After what seemed an eternity you heard the doorbell, walking over to open the door. Peter walked in with a worried expression on his face, scanning you to see where the injury was.

‘‘What happened? Are you alright?” He asked as he threw his bag on the couch and grabbed your hand, pulling you towards the bathroom.

‘‘Peter, it’s literally just a scratch, you shouldn’t have walked all the way here! I can take care of that’‘

He didn’t even bother to listen to you, sitting you down on the edge of the tub and looking through the cabinet for rubbing alcohol and bandages.

‘‘It’s going to sting’‘ He said in a serious tone, cleaning the wound.

‘‘You don’t need to do this for just a scratch’‘

He looked up, his gaze piercing right through your body, making you shiver.

‘‘You’ve done it too many times for me’‘

‘‘I haven’t?”

‘‘I mean you would have done it for me too’‘ he said suddenly embarrassed, placing a plaster on the scratch and getting up.

‘‘Hey, what’s with your hands?’‘ His hands were all covered in plaster and bandage

‘‘It’s nothing, work stuff’‘

‘‘Peter, I’m serious, what’s going on? Ned and MJ are very worried about you, you cut me off every time I try to spend time with you, what’s wrong? You know you can tell me. You’ve been acting kind of odd lately.’‘

He looked up, one eye squinting lightly because of the light above you. He put on a fake smile, packing the things he used back.

‘‘I really do think it would be best for you if you didn’t know’‘ he said softly and got up, walking out of the bathroom and sitting on the kitchen counter (like Spider-man used to do every time he would hag out), grabbing a glass and pouring himself a glass of orange juice. Everything felt oddly familiar when you saw he scene. The way his legs hung, the way he threw his head back as he drank, his jawline. Even the way he wiped his mouth with his sleeve sparked some weird sensation in your chest. You tried to brush it off, trying not to think about it and sat down on the couch, turning the tv on. You two spent the evening playing Minecraft together but by the time Peter had to go it felt like you made little to no progress with him. I guess talking about feelings was not his thing.

***

After Peter left your apartment that night, you couldn’t sleep well. After hours of spinning and tossing around in your bed, all the memories of Spider-Man kept rushing through your head, his voice, the way he talked, the way he moved, everything was adding up in your head, it felt like you were about to explode. You never really spent much time with Peter, especially alone, so you never really had a close observation on his behaviour. Yet, somehow, everything clicked. The clock was striking 2 am when you decided maybe it was finally time to confront the situation. Your feelings were getting caught up in the mix as well, making it even worse. It really did feel like your head was spinning, you couldn’t breathe well, your heart was beating so fast it was going to explode just like your head. A panic attack? You’d didn’t know what to do. The only person you knew you need to talk to was Peter. So, almost on impulse, you picked up your phone and dialled his number. You heard the dial in your ear, it was so loud you had to pull the phone slightly away form your face. Just as you did that, the dial stopped and you heard a faint voice from the small device.

“Hello?”

Your breathing got heavier, your heart started beating faster and the room really started spinning.

“Hello? Y/N, are you alright?” The words echoed in the room, a bit more clear this time, you felt tears rolling down your cheeks.

“N-no” you managed to whisper through heavy breaths

“Where are you?” Peter asked, starting to panic himself, which made you more worried.

“Home” you said softly, breaking down in a cry at this point

“Okay, listen to me. I want you to breathe slowly, follow my lead” he told you, voice still panicked as he started taking deep breaths, listening closely to you as you started copying him. “I’m on my way to you, okay? Just keep breathing”

“I’m so sorry” you muffled out, through soft cries, handing up form the panic and breaking down. You didn’t expect to have a panic attack when you called him, or for it to get worse when you did. You didn’t expect him to actually come around, but he did, at 2:30 am, he was knocking on your door.

You had managed to calm down a bit at that point, opening the door a bit hesitantly. His heart shattered when he saw you like that, immediately hugging you and closing the door behind him.

“What’s wrong? What happened? How can I help?” He asked as he held you close, his scent filled your nostrils and eased your nerves a little bit. You could hear his heartbeat. Why was it so fast? Was was this so scary?

“I want you to be honest with me.” You said against his chest, pulling away shortly after so you could look at his face. “Are you… God this sounds so crazy, I promise I’m not crazy! Are you Spider-Man?”

The words spilled out and it suddenly became silent. Peter let go of you, hands going through his hair as he nervously paced around. He didn’t really manage to put a much of an outfit, he was in sweatpants and a loose white T-shirt that moved up with the motion of his hands and exposed his lower stomach. He seemed like he was having a crisis, walking around, squatting down. He looked very nervous and overwhelmed. Was he the one having a panic attack now? The boy stared at the floor, his hair was all messed up, remaining squat down as he exhaled heavily.

“How… did you find out?” He asked coldly, not looking at you.

***

Iamfriendswithspidey: Did you talk to Peter?

The messaged popped up on your screen as you were in the middle of a fight with Peter. You both looked at the phone that was on the couch, the screen showing 3:45 am. Shit, you had been arguing for more than an hour now. The nervous pacing continued for a while from both of you, but the tiredness and the emotional drain was so bad it made you sit down, him on the counter and you on the backrest of the couch, looking at him.

"What did you tell him?" Peter asked, feeling defeated already

"Nothing at all, he asked me to check up on you because you were acting weird and distant. Never got to the point of figuting out what was wrong with you." You replied, voice filled with anger and sadness. The text message was followed by a call, with both of you staing at the screen as it rang, so you could gather your thoughts.

"So..." You broke the silence after Ned gave up "We're set on how you became Spider-man... Care to explain everything else?" You crossed your hands in front of your chest.

"I-" he started, looking down at his lap almost like he was building up the courage. "Well... you see... I don't even know how to explain something I don't understand myself"

"You can try, becuase I'm dying to know why you would do something like this"

"What did I do exactly?"

"Peter...What didn't you do?" You said in frustration, getting up and pacing around again "You would come here, spend time with me for a month straight, every fucking day. You would make me laugh and comfort me and get to know me and all of that bullshit and then leave like it meant nothing! Did it really mean nothing to you?''

"Of course it meant something!'' he jumped off the counter catching up to you to grab your arm "I wouldn't have done any of this if you meant less. I overstepped all of my boundries to be here with you.''

You looked at him, tears starting to stream down your face.

"So you could abandon me? Like you didn't care? Like I was nothing? I spent weeks crying, trying to figure out what I did wrong to push you away" You pulled away from his grip, breaking down in front of him. You could see his emotions getting the better of him as well, his breathing rapid and sharp, his fist clenching.

"You thought it was easy for me too?" He asked, anger bubbling up in his chest. "To have so many people dependent on you? To be constantly scared that the people you care most about could end up hurt because of you?"

"So you thought disappearing on them would make it all better?"

"No, not at all" He let out a sigh, looking down at his lap again. "It just got so complicated, the more I came over, the closer we got and then I just-" He looked back up, looking at your teary eyes "I couldn't help it, I really couldn't, we clicked so well and it was so easy with you and I... I just fell for you, so hard, I was terrified, I couldn't tell you as Spider-Man, I couldn't tell you I was Spider-Man... I had to find some other solution"

"You know what the worst part about this is" you said between sobs "It's that I feel in love with you too''.

He pulled you in after that, hugging you tightly. You tried pushing him but he was much stronger. You cried into his chest, gripping his shirt. He didn't say anything, hot tears streaming down his cheeks as he rested his chin on top of your head.

"Stop" you begged him "Please stop doing this, now that I know it's you, it hurts even worse"

"Why?" He asked, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible

"Because you're dating someone else" you said, helplessly hitting his chest with your fist, trying to make him let go. "Please let me go, I can't do this"

"I'm not letting you go" He shook his head, kissing your forehead "I'm never letting you go, I'm sorry for everything, if I were more of a man, none of this would have happened''

You continued helplessly hitting him, crying in his arms. He hugged you tighter, crying into your hair.

"I would understand if you never want to see me again" he whispered.

"I don't hate you, Peter'' you whispered back. "I just need some time to process all of this"

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