#like it isn't even a big deal but...i still hate myself lmao

[usernamesuggestionsarefunny]

No Penelope hater will ever convince me that lying about being a petty gossip writer who writes things people don't like is even anywhere remotely near a quarter of a quarter (of a quarter of a quarter, and I mean it) of the EVIL trying to commit paternity fraud is.

I can't count how many times I have read Marina defenders and Penelope haters saying shit like: "Fans of Penelope love criticizing Marina for lying to Colin, but Penelope also lied to him about Lady Whistledown haha gotcha I am so smart."

You people truly don't understand, perhaps because most of tumblr is women so you would never ever be in that position, but that shit HURTS fathers and children.

Imagine having your baby switched at birth and later discovering it, and finding out that the child you raised and love isn't yours, but that is not even counting the "betrayal by someone you thought loved you and had your happiness and best interests at heart" aspect. Imagine BEING that child, and loosing your father figure if your father happens to react badly to the trauma of that betrayal, by shutting off or growing distant.

It is foul, it is a despicable violation of trust. It IS taking advantage of someone and it is NOT the same as being a mean gossip idgaf what you think.

"But it was other times, women in society, she had little choice and blah blah." Context has never stopped fandoms from bashing characters IF they TRULY consider their actions despicable. Daphne's lack of modern sex ed knowledge and the power imbalance between her and Simon hasn't stopped the fandom from hating her for what she did to him, rightfully so.

And Marina did have choices, granted none nearly as selfishly appealing as taking advantage of someone else not at fault for your situation to make the best for yourself, granted perhaps I would have been as foul, cynical, cowardly, and lacking of empathy as her if pushed hard enough by the circumstances, but she did have choices, and just because I see myself taking the easy road doesn't mean that path is any less evil. Bad things you see yourself doing are still bad folks, evil is no less evil because it is relatable.

The only reason Marina isn't hated as much is that the fandom simply doesn't think paternal fraud is that much of a big deal and that many see themselves doing the same thing, to which I can only say... don't your freaking assholes lmao.

Btw genuine question, in case I am wrong and the fandom DOES bash Marina, where are they? Where the hell are those Marina haters people keep complaining about? Where is the bashing I keep hearing about? Whenever I search for stuff analysing that time Penelope saved Colin's ass (Which is what she did and is rarely framed s such, bite me), all I see is people excusing and shamelessly trivializing Marina's actions by comparing them to being a freaking gossip writer of all things. Where are her haters? Where are my people so I can follow them?!

[creepyboyandhisforestfriends]

Thoughts from a disabled acespec on the topic of Viktor's asexuality

As many others have discussed, I too believe the main controversy from this announcement goes hand in hand with Viktor's disability. While there are several disabled characters in Arcane, it's undeniable that he is the most prominent of them. It's an integral part of his character, his story, etc. Because of this it is undeniable that the choice of the creators to make him ace is influenced by this. And that's where the problem lies. Because it is now no longer a simple case of ace representation for the sake of ace representation. It is an inherent implication that disabled people are incapable of wanting/having sex.

This isn't anything new, either. There's a long history of disabled people being viewed as 'undesireable' or 'incapable of sex' etc. because of their disabilty. And yes, there are also many disabled people who are asexual. Whether that's because of their disability or not. And that's perfectly fine, that's real life, real people, whose decisions don't affect that of an entire fandom. But Viktor does. 

If it had been any other character, I believe there wouldn't be nearly half as much uproar. Let's say Jayce, for example. The conventionally attractive himbo. Personally I think him being ace would be a way better, more subversice take, seeing as it goes directly against the 'big strong man' stereotype that he fits so easily. Seeing as Arcane breaks so many other stereotypes, why should this one be any different? And there'd still be plenty of room in the story for Jayce to have his romantic feelings towards Mel and/or Viktor. Just no sex. No big deal. He'd be asexual for the sake of simply, being asexual.

I am one of many disabled people who's seen so much of myself in Viktor's character. Which is honeslty quite rare. Yes, the ace community has a significant track record of bad representation, or even none at all. But so does the disabled community. We're in this together. I understand that seeing so much hate against this decision without the context of why it's in such bad taste is incredibly hurtful for the asexual community. But this arguement isn't all acephobia. It's ableism too. I've seen so many other disabled acespec people agreeing that Viktor's aceness is disrespectful to both communities and it's been really touching to see. We're in this together. 

So, like all things in fandom, don't take it too close to heart. If you're ace and you see yourself in Viktor being ace, then that's perfectly fine. If you're disabled and are both empowered and horny by the idea of Viktor topping Jayce, hell yeah. You do you. Someone is always going to be upset and offended and very very loud about something. But never let that affect the way you choose to interpret your favs. The word of one man is not gospel to an entire fandom, no matter how important he may be.

And, frankly, I'm not going to touch the whole "oh he only said it bc he's homophobic and wants to ruin jayvik" because I do suspect that's just people blowing things out of proportion like the internet is want to do. And yes, there is definitely a portion of the fandom who has taken this announcement, and all the argueing, as a chance to just be blatantly acephobic. Like I said, that's the internet, it's bound to happen. Those people are arseholes, and do not deserve a say in this debate. This is for the queers and the cripples, amen. 

(Addendum: I rarely ever make big posts like this argueing about fandom stuff, but this topic in particular is very close to my heart. Plus, I seem to be one of the few people in this discussion who is in both communities and is therefore allowed to have a proper say in all this lmao. Everything I've said here is without animosity, only to educate. Feel free to add your thoughts, or let me know if you think I missed something important. Peace and love <3)

[smolbonbon]

I believe Old Moon is underestimating Nexus

Long ramble

Sure Moon easily reached the goals that Nexus took a longer time but I think that's because Nexus is still young and doesn't have as many experience as him.

Hear me out every of the animatronics from TSAMS, LAES and MAFS went through a kid-to-adult phase ish (aside from Puppet and Foxy)

Sun used to be the silly, energetic and optimistic animatronic. But as time went by he changed to be less energetic or optimistic and understood the world isn't always working out for the better. Sure trauma is also playing a big part in how he or the others behave now but I'm pretty sure it's also he grew up. Moon used to be also very energetic, fascinated and curious by the abnormalities.

(I mean he still is but way less than he used to if you compare it to the episode "When Sun and Moon first separated in Vrchat")

Similar thing with Lunar, Earth and Monty. (But I'm a bit too lazy to go into that)

My point is Nexus is still very young but his identity was always to prove and be the better version of his past self. He couldn't really do anything without the fear of being like OG Moon. People looked at him and only saw the bad shadow of OG Moon and I'm sure at some point he had enough of trying to prove himself. To fix the problems of someone who had the same name as him.

Many things NM did were for the family and he rarely got a thank you or was appreciated. And when he finally broke due the pressure/expectations everyone put on him, he fell into a deep hole of depression, psychosis and identity/existential crisis.

Well and there's Dark Sun he reached out his hand to help NM who was abandoned and hated by his family. (Understandable dealing with the consequences of his actions)

Dark Sun lets Nexus choose his own identity and gives him the freedom to experience. Dark Sun even immediately accepted his name without laughing at him or giving his opinion to it. (Let the teenager run free lmao) It's probably because Dark Sun is manipulating him but in Nexus eyes he finally has someone who is supporting him and doesn't judge him.

Nexus doesn't suffer from the pressure and expectations to be the better version. Everyone already sees him as the evil guy so why prove it otherwise?

I have the feeling that Nexus is gonna show Moon he isn't as incapable as Moon keeps saying.

"I'm not holding myself back anymore, Moon~"

[chaos0pikachu]

hi! it's the one piece anon, this time off anon, lmao, thanks for the answer!

watching one piece for the first time as a adult with no prior attachment to it is wild, btw—and makes you want to take sanji and throw him into an active volcano about 100 times per episode, akbsjdjdj

i actually have no idea what my favourite arc would be so far, tbh, i enjoyed alabasta solely because of crocodile—i love me a horrible man who has a plan and executes it :)—and thriller bark was a good time, and now impel down is fun because stakes! i love stakes! i keep complaining to my friend that no 'death' ever really sticks, lmao, and now having accidentally spoiled myself i know that at least one will, akhsjdjdj

also, i have So Many opinions, it's insane, so glad that my friend knows i'm a yapper and analyser at heart and wanted to watch (in her case rewatch) the show with me because of that, lmao, and i am looking forward to when we are in a place where it's safe to engage with fandom stuff because man, i wanna yap so bad about this show

(and we are watching Everything which means no skipping the bad parts—we have seen sanji be on the second maiden isle react like the biggest douche and yeah.....that was fun :) truly)

(also, zoro is just. great, i love that man <3 especially because my sense of direction is just slightly better than his)

(this got very long, oops)

please don't apologize I fucking love talking about one piece lmao I literally bard the series to a friend b/c they don't wanna watch 1000+ episodes and they don't read manga but they really like the series (and loved OPLA)

Sanji is....sigh. Like the Whole Cake arc with him is great, like it's really strong and Sanji at his peak. There's times when I really like Sanji - one of my favorite small moments is when he gives Ussop his goggles back in Alabasta sanji/ussop gets no love b/c ussop is ugly even tho they're a great ship rip. Another great moment is when he gives Nami his jacket in Little Garden, and when he helps Violet in Dressrosa, like, when Sanji's compassion is front and center he's GREAT.

The problem is Sanji is a product of a very old shounen trope - the perverted man gag - quoting myself here but it's an age old gag - DBZ has Oolong, and Master Roshi, Inu-yasha has Miroku, Naruto has Jiraiya, Ranma 1/2 has Master Happosai - just to list some off the top of my head. Sanji's gag isn't new and it's not even unique. If there's any difference its that Sanji is just better developed than most - not all, but most - of these types of chars. Which creates a big dissonance with how western fans deal with and discuss Sanji.

I hate the gag but like, it's canon, Oda isn't writing for me he's writing for teenage (Japanese) boys first and foremost. It is what it is and I just take Sanji as is and am glad OPLA toned him the fuck down.

Crocodile is a fandom fave for a reason, he's such a deliciously fun antagonist and I'm glad he came back in Impel Down and is still around even after that.

Ngl I almost dropped the series b/c of Alabasta LOL sorry guys! It's one of my least favorite arcs of the series I felt like it dragged so damn hard. It introduced so many important characters - Vivi, Ace, Crocodile, Robin - and plots - the weapons - but omggggg I was bored at times.

Water 7 is probably my favorite arc, maybe followed by Wano? Idk I'm apparently one of the weird fans who likes a lot of the post-timeskip arcs. I think Dressrosa is a great arc and also up there for me. I liked Skypiea well enough - and it becomes stronger with time - but I'm meh on Little Garden, East Blue Saga doesn't get good until Sanji imo when we get into the Nami stuff which IS one of my fave arcs of the series, I like Thriller Bark than most the halloween stuff is great, but my favorite arcs are all post-timeskip except Water 7 Saga.

The death stuff is something a lot of fans talk about and I've learned that Oda has addressed this. Basically he said he doesn't like drawing characters who die - ironic considering other things that happen in the story lmao - he wants to keep the story a kid friendly adventure and doesn't wanna draw char deaths. So you get Pell and that dude in Skypiea lol Oda

Zoro is great, I hope he never gets a "new" backstory b/c I like his normal ass backstory not all the straw hats need to have secret tragic backstories! Let my man be moderately normal, have bad direction and wanna dedicate his entire self to his Captain :3

[chenkari]

Haven't made a personal post in a long time. I don't use tumblr like I used to, haha. I've been using it a little more lately though.

Bitchin' under the cut. Tw for depression, suicide, whatever.

I'm at a really low point in my life right now. We moved homes and it's been very hard on me. I lived in my old house for 24 years (since i was 5) and it's just very difficult for me to let go. I cry like every night about it, I miss my old house so bad. I'm thankful that I have a place to live and everything but it's just. So fucking hard. I know it'll get better with time but right now is so difficult. Thankfully we're still in the same state, initially my parents wanted to move out of state, so that's a plus. But regardless, we moved further away from my friends and work. My old commute to work was about 10 minutes, now it's 35-45. I hate my job, so having to drive further is like. So fucking annoying. Right now I'm off work on a medical leave, thankfully. I don't think I'd be able to function. I'm farther away from my best friend and while it isn't unmanageable, it's just.... idk frustrating. We've lived close together our whole lives.

I feel so isolated out here, it's further from the cities, there isn't a lot out here. I went on doordash and there were only 3 restaurants and a gift shop lmao. (major gripe: there is no target. im going to KILL MYSELF.)

I contemplated killing myself a lot. I'm so unhappy. I thought about doing it before we left the house. Like, so in a way so I wouldn't have to go. But I'm still alive. I still think about killing myself like every day though, especially at night. I think at night I become more emotional and shit. I'm alone with my thoughts in bed I guess, so I just think about it. I feel like this might be the most suicidal I've ever been in my life, and I've been trying to manage it but i'm struggling. I feel like I'm not even living. I'm just like. Surviving.

Something that has been really hard is like, my dad doesn't give a fuck. I can't be upset about moving in front of him cause he's like, oh my gooood, just get over iiiit. And like, I'm trying. But I'm allowed to be sad and miss my home too. Idk i want to be comforted by my family I guess. He's also just been more mean to me in general and idk why. Like I'll ask something totally... Normal. And he gets all pissed. Like I asked if he could pick up ramen noodles when he went to the store, and he got all pissed off. Like damn, sorry. And the thing is, I don't ask for much. I usually just ask my parents for like. A food item. I did ask recently for one of those mirror cabinets cause the new bathroom here does not have a lot of space. I asked about it again cause he never replied to my text and he yelled at me about that. Like, you can just say no. I just ended up buying it myself. Idk, i just wish he would say no instead of launching into yelling at me about it.

Idk I've just been so depressed lately, I can't bring myself to do anything productive. I just lay in bed. Even things I enjoy. I don't feel like playing games, I don't feel like talking to my friends, I don't feel like drawing. I just lay there doom scrolling on twitter. I've been a little better lately, I've been able to get out of bed and get on the computer for a bit. But still I have days where I just lay there.

I don't think i mentioned it on tumblr, but I'm a streamer now, (cringe ass vtuber. very small, not a big deal.) and while I normally like streaming, I can't bring myself to get back into my routine. My streams don't do so well too, so it's a bit disheartening. I'm not the most entertaining, it's my fault. Idk I'm just not very good at chatting about things going on cause I don't really have a lot going on. It's easier when people come watch and talk with me, but I can't expect that of people. I have to be better.

I'm scared about returning to work. I feel like I can't take it anymore. I hate my job so much, it's so fucking much. It's non stop work, no downtime, everything is always broken, and we don't have any appointments for people. (I make dr appointments for my job) All the appointments are like at least a week out and everyone is like "what the fuck" and I can't do shit about it. It's so stressful and idk. I don't want to go back. I've been looking for new jobs but I'm not having a lot of luck.

Tbh though I'm kinda in a tough financial situation right now so if anyone feels up to it, my paypal is https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/chenkari, I could use gas/grocery money. I would appreciate it.

I had to take Venus to the vet, she had an aural hematoma. They drained it, but her ear swelled up again. It is slowly going down now. I wonder how long until she'll be all better. I hope it isn't hurting her anymore. The cats have been good about the move. Sometimes Venus hides though and I can't find her anywhere :C I don't know where her hiding spot is wehh.

Anyways. Guess I just wanted to talk about what I was up to these days. Get it off my chest. Later.

[blvckentropy]

10 facts about me.

Thank you for the tag @beachyserasims! It's always a plus to know more about each other. Let's get deep for a bit

I too have been bullied though out my life. To the point I've wanted to off myself. I think it really only stopped after I went to college, but you know there's always that nagging feeling you get when you think someone talking about you when they either look your way or hear laughing behind you (when it prob has nothing to do with you). The end result I've became more quiet and more attentive with who I get close with or add to my circle. My circle is really rally small. I used to have a of five CLOSE friends but now it's only two (but that's another story)

Writing is really personal for me. It's my out or coping mechanism when dealing or not trying to deal with real-life shit. I might not show it but I'm a depressed reck. But slowly but surely learning to take it day by day. I didn't start writing until maybe my sophomore year in high school. Fanfics from YT and tumblr really got me inspired to take it all the way. English also helped, as much as I hated homework, I loved writing papers (at least the ones you got to choose the topic). I have big dreams of selling books, writing movies, and making video games. Even though, I only have one finish story under my belt. There's not a story I haven't thought of that isn't still rotten in my head. It might not show but I'm serious about bringing all my work to life

A little insight about my writing, all the characters/plot have a hint of me in them if that makes sense. I write from personal experiences and movies/shows based or outright the reality of it all. Yes, they're all fiction but I like writing things that others can relate to or have experience themselves.

LIVE AND BREATH BLACK EXCELLENCE & SUCCESS. OBSESSED WITH IT! A win for the culture is always a win in my book. Another thing, my stories (not all) but a good 95% of them is for black audience. I love and respect everyone but if I can't connect with ppl that look like me first...what am I doing?

I'm a private girlie. Only share what doesn't hurt me to share. Life also teaches you not everything is for everybody. My peace comes before everything

LOVE BLACK LOVE! 🅿

I went to school for fashion design. Only thing I regret not having a minor/backup plan in computers or graphic design 😪

My mom is my role model. We may have what I call a strict relationship. But without her, I would not be here (literally and figuratively)

I used to have a yorkiepoo. Rip buddy (tho we fought like siblings and I despised it because ppl would call us siblings. He was mostly my mom dog lol)

Quick random things: Single again. Straight ally but can appreciate an attractive woman. I love em all but lookin for chocolate men lmao. I love shows like Power and Bel-Air. I read fanfic/bl manhwa religiously. Favorite color blue. Aries. I'm asthmatic.

Tagging @cinamun @liliumsims @plumbewb @sadraccoon061 and whoever liked to do this.

[the-golden-comet]

So I saw the results of the character poll and I would like to voice my support of Noah as the all time GOAT of the Goldencomet-verse

Ik Peter won, and don't get me wrong, I love Peter, but maybe he's a bit too much of an asshole. Like, he doesn't catch enough retribution for his actions and Benji is kinda forced to deal with it and it's played off as a joke. Sure, Benji flings enough insults to make a French man laugh, but none of them are really taken seriously by anyone (especially that dress scene. That was wrong and no one ever apologized in the slightest, even Peter). I need some retribution and I need some W's for me to ride or die for a ship.

That all being said, that's one of the reasons why I LOVE Noah (and Ali). Noah, while being super introverted (from what I've seen), he's still not taking shit from anyone. AND ALI RESPECTS IT 👏👏. I like myself a relationship built off of genuine pure-bred respect. That's why I love enemies to lovers or rivals to lovers (even though idk if YWIMC counts as either. Could be wrong tho). Most of the time in those two tropes, the romance stems from genuine (although begrudging) RESPECT. And respect and pity are two different things. 'Aw poor *insert character here*' also isn't a good relationship foundation. If the relationship isn't built off of long-standing respect of the 'I see you as my equal' caliber, I don't want it.

I would also like to voice my love for Noah in a separate paragraph, cause I kinda just yapped about the relationship lol. Noah, as I mentioned, doesn't take shit from NOBODY. 'Introverted' sure as hell doesn't mean pushover when it comes to Noah. And, for every ounce of not taking shit, there's an equal amount of softness towards those he loves. You need an equal balance for a delicious romance and he does it perfectly 🤌🤌. I also like that, while he isn't the strongest physically, he's still not a pathetic mop of a character. He earns his wins through his own means and HE DESERVES IT. Even when he has help, he's not the ever constant damsel in distress waiting for his big strong boyfriend to save him. He does something, he tries his best, and I respect him for it.

And i would like to end this with saying I love Peter Hart, even though ik it sounded like I was hating lol. It was a really fun read and funny a lot of times. Ig getting away with assholery just strikes a sore spot 😂

One last side note: I will definitely be reading YWIMC when it comes out if you can't tell (and also sorry for the rant)

I am absolutely in love with this post!! Thank you so much for making it!! Don’t ever feel bad for voicing an opinion of my characters! In fact, I am so happy to see Noah get some genuine love!! This post gave me the goofiest smile and I appreciate you making it 💛✨

Noah has a soft spot in my own heart because of his jaded “front,” but he’s not afraid to let his vulnerability show….ESPECIALLY around Ali. Noah has trouble expressing his emotions due to his ASD, so seeing him make genuine wins and setting firm boundaries with people make us go, “YES! Don’t take shit from anyone! 👏 👏 👏”

One of the main themes of YWIMC is stepping outside of comfort zones and letting rigid barriers fall (in Noah’s case) whereas the lesson that Ali learns is that you can love someone regardless of your upbringing, and to eventually get over fears of attachment.

Seeing so much love for Noah is genuinely heartwarming, and I thank you so much for making this ask! 💫

(And Peter is such an asshole lmao. Entertaining, but an asshole nonetheless. This is a totally valid criticism of his character 😂✨)

[fereldanwench]

WIP Whenever (Actually on a Wednesday!)

@chevvy-yates had tagged me in a WIP Whenever thingy last week (I think? What is time) and @breezypunk sharing their WIPs reminded me I meant to do this. So, stuff I'm working on!

Over my Christmas break, I just started barely scratching the surface of working on my own custom poses. Because I'm me, I desperately need some battle couple poses--Fighting side-by-side, holding the other one while they're wounded, maybe fighting each other, etc. I compiled a Pinterest inspo board here to get an idea of what I'm going for.

This pose isn't anywhere close to being finished, but it's a start:

A small confession: while I actually like working in Blender quite a bit, I kind of hate everything else about modding, lmao. I've probably said it before, but my day job requires me to use so many shitty apps and software that always require 37 workarounds just to perform normally--I really don't have a lot of patience for troubleshooting shit during my leisure hours. Hopefully, the project won't become too much of a headache when I get into importing and working with props. 🤞

Virtual photography is always a constant for me these days--I was actually thinking yesterday how it feels like the absolute perfect creative medium for me. I like drawing and writing and 'real' photography, and I very much need to make sure I have more analog and tactile creative projects to keep me sane, but VP just hits in a way nothing else really has.

I am still working on the photostory I shared last time, but I don't want to give away too much there. It's also on a bit of a pause while I figure out some tech issues (read: I regret updating my game, lmao). However, I already have a ton of shots/mini-stories I need to queue up:

Other than that, it's kind of personal reflection shit and contemplating goals/resolutions for 2024. Getting long-winded and a little blunt under the cut:

I've always really struggled with making goals--I don't think I've ever had a situation in which I explicitly stated "I have a goal of XYZ" and then I achieved XYZ. I've had plenty of nebulous "Hey, I think I'd like to do XYZ" thoughts and then lo and behold, I do actually make XYZ a reality, but as soon as the word "goal" is attached to something, I just check tf out.

It was actually something I was trying to talk to my therapist about last summer, and then we kind of hit a dead end on that specific topic and decided I had other problems that were more pressing to deal with, lmao. But all the best goal advice in the world--following the SMART method, sharing it with someone for extra accountability, etc.--Just does not work with my brain.

(The accountability thing in particular always hugely backfires for me because just telling someone I want to do a thing tricks my brain into thinking I did that thing and now I don't need to anymore. Also, I don't like people telling me what to do, so if someone was like "hey, shouldn't you do this thing so you can meet your goal" I will say no just on principle of being a brat, lmao. I really hate that piece of advice.)

I know some of it, probably a lot of it, is fear of failure if I don't meet the goal. I'm very hard on myself--That's a no-brainer.

But I also think some of it, maybe just as much, is fear of success. Which I used to think was the stupidest fucking thing anyone could say about this shit, but success can mean big change. Success can mean increased feelings of imposter syndrome. Success can mean attention and responsibility I don't want. Success can mean bigger consequences if I do fuck up later.

I've come to realize that success is honestly as equally scary to me as failing.

I think this is a big reason I've always been content (or convinced myself to be content) with being good and not great, even if that means I'm not reaching my ~*full potential*~. (There are other external/macro reasons for that too, like my loathing of people trying to push me to monetize my passions, but I don't feel like getting into systemic gripes, lmao.)

Goals that require me to step outside of my usual routine also give me a lot of anxiety, which is something I've working towards managing (you could say that it's a goal of mine to get that under control dfgjhfjgdf), but that's still a very real hurdle for me.

Like I've been trying to go back to a minimum of 20 minutes of dedicated exercise (versus just walking a lot) a 3 times a week, and I get stressed if I miss it, or even just feel like I'm going to miss it (like if 7 PM starts creeping up and I haven't started it yet), but I also get all bent out shape spending 20 minutes on exercising while I'm doing it as if there's a better use of that time and THERE'S NOT. Like, what am I really missing? 20 minutes of scrolling Tumblr? Shut the fuck up, lmao.

All this to say that I don't really feel like I'm ready to set goals in a traditional sense, and that might not be something that ever works for me, but there are things I think would just be... kinda nice for me to do for myself that I want to do this year:

I need to actually be nicer to myself. As a matter of fact, @ren3gade--I hope you don't mind the tag, but I've been meaning to thank you for the "forgive yourself" advice you shared a couple of months back. I started making it a point to use that in my self-talk when I start spiraling, and it has been one of the best means of mitigating certain aspects of my social anxiety. I felt goofy as hell when I first started doing it, but that shit works. Positive self-talk makes you feel better, wow, who knew certainly not me

In a similar spirit, I want to stop being so judgemental about my limitations, and I need to mitigate feelings of guilt when I set boundaries for my mental health and energy. This is something I want to achieve in all areas of my life, but I think the easiest place for me to start flexing these muscles is with fandom. Because, damn, I let myself get into some really bad habits with the CP77 fandom (and I forgive myself for that 🙌). One of the big ones has been putting pressure on myself to keep up with what all my CP77 mutuals are doing at all times, and I'm not doing that to myself anymore. I've spent so much time in the past two years methodically going through tags and blogs to catch up on stuff I missed, and I'm just... relieving myself of this obligation. I know a lot of folks have tried to mitigate that for themselves by encouraging everyone to use their username-tracked tag--I'm not doing that. I'm not giving y'all more tagging work, and I'm not going to give myself the same obligation just in a different way. If I miss a post, I miss a post. Of course y'all are always more than welcome to @ me or send me things you think I'd enjoy (I love that, actually!!), but I'm just one person--I'm incapable of being an omnipresent fandom cheerleader and I don't know why I was pushing myself to be that. Well, that's not entirely true--I have some idea of why, but that's also a mentality I'm leaving in the dust. 😘 Also, for a long time, I did not use the like button for anything other than personal posts purely out of spite because I got tired of people complaining when they'd get likes but not reblogs--My asshole mentality was "Fine, now you get nothing." And that worked for me for several years and several fandoms, but I'm frankly tired of the "like" slander on Tumblr. It's a valid form of interaction and letting someone know you liked their stuff. I don't say this with malice, but other people's mentality of being unhappy with likes instead of reblogs is not my burden to bear. Anyway, I don't want to turn this into a rant about fandom stuff, lmao, but the point is I need more boundaries in my life, and I'm starting here.

I'm happier when I spend more time than I have been on traditional art and creative things that get me off my PC. Like I said above, I love VP so much, but it does unfortunately tether me to my computer desk longer than is probably good for me in the long run, mentally and physically. I stocked up on some new traditional art supplies, and I need to put those to use now that I'm settled into my new place. (And I've been itching to do a charcoal portrait of my bb girl.)

Reading books (gotta be physical, no screens) also makes me feel better. I've got about 7 books on my nightstand that I could totally finish this year--Doing that might be the one stereotypical goal I make for myself.

I want to reevaluate how I "multitask;" in particular, I want to break the habit of always having to have a background show/movie on OR always feeling the need to do something on my computer/phone while I watch a show/movie. Even as a kid (way before I lost my attention span to my smartphone lmao), I've always been inclined to doing something else while I watch shows and movies, but that used to be limited to drawing or painting my nails, which I think is fine. Now I just always feel like I need a screen nearby to do something else, even if there's really not something else worth doing. And listening to music or podcasts while I work on a thing is also fine, but it's gotten to the point where I almost can't have complete silence, and I don't like that. I miss being comfortable with silence while I pour all of my focus into a project. I just need to find some equilibrium here.

I know this isn't exactly a standard WIP Whenever, but me is what I'm working on, and I think it's all essential stuff to nurturing my creativity. 😊

[innitmarvellous]

Like last year I tried to compile a rather sad little list of positive (and positive-ish) things and accomplishments of 2024. There really isn't much I could come up with, but better than nothing, I guess? Dunno if it's too early for it, but I can still add to this post if I can think of something else.

- I randomly decided that I wanted to learn to play an instrument & that's why I started with electric guitar in February and added electic bass in Autumn. I'm not particularly good at either of them which often frustrates me a lot, but I still don't regret trying it. Well, not much. I just hate having to deal with expectations aka "oh, so you want to play in a band?". No, I don't, because I started way too late for that and no band needs a shitty guitarist/bassist, lmao. (Oh, and I'm already planning to try and learn the violin next. I'm even worse at that, so there's a lot of fun to be had, except for the people who have to listen to my playing :D)

- I also learned how to crochet, after huge initial frustration. That's a new skill acquired, I guess? I did a lot of crochet stuff over the year, but unfortunately it doesn't feel that fulfilling because I'm not that good and also don't know anyone to gift the finished stuff too. The scarves and shawls are piling up in my wardrobe and it's so frustrating, lol. But at least I could make myself very ugly little HIGNFY and Beatles dolls :3

- I wrote more unsexy porn fics, which might not be good for the readers, but is kind of good for me as it doesn't feel very cringe anymore. Now I only need to find a way to make them at least a little sexy!

- I didn't have one of these massive self-hate attacks for a silly small reason, which was good. Well, I had several small moments, but I hated the big ones way more...

- I at least tried to accept some things about me, like being possibly asexual and getting over the fact that I hate my name. Unfortunately I only tried without much success, but the attempt has to count for something. Since I don't want to accept that I might be aspec I'm just thinking of myself as queer now to avoid having to think about it any further - which is also rather practical for gender reasons since I've got no idea about that either :/ (Although using it still makes me feel like an intruder into queer communities, but the term is useful for me...so a big sorry to anyone who's truly queer. Hope that's a forgivable sin.) And I'm trying to come up with an alternative name I can address myself with in my thoughts, lol.

- I tried to work on my self-acceptance. Again: I tried. Some things happened that made me doubt myself again when I thought I had made some progress, so I'm not really sure about how successful I was. I wish I would just figure out whether I deserve to feel better about myself, that would be a nice start. xD

- I decided to develop a taste of my own. Sounds weird and is something I should have done long ago since I'm fucking old, but...I often watched a show or read a book I didn't like simply because of things like: 'but a comedian I like said that's his favourite book!'. Well, and now I'm trying to tell myself: if our tastes align on something, very good. But if not, whatever.

- I'm still rather insane about HIGNFY and religiously watch at least one episode a day. Also, I had two nice and very long conversations with other fans on AO3 and these honestly gave me such a good time. Too bad they didn't last even longer, but the other people probably moved on to new fandoms and even so, I had a blast. (And of course I'm also still weird about Paul. If anything I got weirder about him. Just look at my fics in case I still haven't deleted them yet! Actually, no, please don't look, but you get what I mean.)

- Not an accomplishment, but I'm kind of happy that I got interested in The Beatles at the end of last year. I read so many books and stuff about them in 2024 and wrote fics and listened to the music (of course) and that usually was a source of happiness, so yeah. That was good :D

[simplylove101]

FANFIC TAGGING GAME

I got tagged by my lovely bestie @backtothestart02. Thanks for thinking of me, hun. <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3? - 11 (and at least 4 on ff.net, though I had a few I deleted as well, including my longest story on there out of embarrassment lol)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

168, 530 words

3. What fandoms do you write for?

On Ao3, it was strictly Gertchase from Runaways (Marvel) but I've also written for Gossip Girl & Harry Potter as well.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Most of them are my earlier stuff but there's one that was more recent that people seemed to like my take on a scene. 1. A Place Isn't Home - it's my baby, my first dip into writing fic in YEARS & for a ship that I'd only just gotten into. I put a lot prep & care into it beforehand so I'll always be proud of it considering it's centered around one trope - sharing a bed. lol 2. Lost Moments - doesn't surprise me now since there were lots of missed opportunities for good Gertchase content in S2 so I just had to do a missing moments fic for them 3. Over & Over Again - inspired by the Runaways promo team releasing the first few minutes of S3 before the season dropped & gave me the opportunity to write in Chase's pov which I love since it's easy for me. 4. Maybe I'm Falling - based on the teased bed talk with Gertchase before S2 dropped (which is still a cute scene) but I kinda prefer my version lol And 5. It's Your Call - my two different takes on Gertchase's S2 kiss scene written right after the trailer had been released. And guess what? Neither one was at all like what we got. lmao

5. Do you respond to comments?

Most of the time. Considering kudos are usually the only way I know if people are liking a fic by me, getting any comments on one is kinda a big deal to me cuz I love getting them. lmao

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Angstiest ending... Well, even when I write angst, there's generally some kinda hope since I like to write angst with a purpose even if it cuts hard. But since you were my home but now i'm (so) lost is about Future Chase reflecting on Gert's death & deciding to save her, I guess that's the automatic answer. But also, Lost Moments technically since it ends with Gert deciding to get over Chase after his betrayal (I was proud of that chapter tbh)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Ummm, basically the majority of them are happy like I said. lol Maybe I'm Falling is the purest tho since the whole thing is fluffy. hell was the journey but it brought me heaven was pretty cute too imo.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not on Ao3 since like I said, I hardly get comments as it is. But on ff.net... Trust me, I got some flames. It wasn't pretty. lol

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Before I wrote love doesn't know what distance is, the answer would have been a hard no. Mostly because I would always chicken out before I even got started. lol Somehow I convinced myself to get it a proper try on that fic and I didn't hate it??? Do I think I'm the best at it? Still no. But I'm not as scared now. It's pretty basic but at least I did it. lol

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Not with my Gertchase fics cuz I suck at that kinda thing but during my Harry Potter days I used to experiment with AU ideas that never went too far before I deleted them. I remember I was gonna use a Real World (yes, the reality show lol) concept for a Harry/Ginny fic that never made it passed Chap 1. lmao

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of...

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Oh, this is so hard these days because younger me would always say Chuck/Blair and they are still up there.... I think Cole/Cassie from 12 Monkeys might be my most epic ship tho, despite me never having written for them before (I wouldn't know where to start tbh) And my heart will always belong to Ron/Hermione too. I love Gertchase but at the end of the day they might actually be more of a top 10 ship for me, I just am able to be inspired to write for them.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

The ultimate WIP for Gertchase for me is a post-canon fic that initially was gonna be just a simple proposal but then I wanted to include other stuff like Gert getting pregnant, etc. so it could be a mini fic. But I've just never written it because of lost inspiration (the real life drama of the cast did kinda taint the show a bit at one point but also, the fandom's pretty dead too) That said, never say never. Maybe one day I'll do it. There's scenes I had written for it that I still have somewhere so it's possible. We'll see. lol

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue. lol I know it is because that's how I start writing my fics. I tend to write scenes out like a script first because it's how I'm able to start visualizing the rest of it. Rarely does a fic of mine not start with a quote or at least a train thought by a character. I also like to think that when I do write angst I'm not afraid to go for the jugular so to speak because it's meant to hurt BUT I do always want it to have a purpose and move the story along. Also, apparently when I'm really feeling a chapter I'm not afraid to have a big word count. I can't help it. lol

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

The actual writing process. lol It doesn't always come naturally to me. I don't usually write anything all in one go unless I'm truly feeling it. Also, descriptive stuff. There's a reason why dialogue is my strength. It's writing around all that I struggle with a lot.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Um, it's intimidating. lol I did consider doing it a few times because Gert is fluent in Spanish & she was supposed to tutor Chase for it so I always thought it would be fun to tease that in a fic or two but never did. I don't want to get the translation wrong.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter. Because I was obsessed with Ron/Hermione. And yet if you looked at my old ff.net account you'd assume it was Harry/Ginny because I deleted all my RHr related fics. lol

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Omg, the hardest question. lol Most of them are all my bbs for different reasons. I do think my mini The College Woes trilogy is some of my strongest work to date tho because all of that is pure me going for it since it's all post-canon. I did research and had fun with the process.

Anyway, I don't really have anyone to tag myself because I don't know who follows me and wants to answer these questions but hey, if you write fic and see this, consider yourself tagged! Also, even tho I haven't written in a while & might never again in the foreseeable future, if you like Gertchase, my A03 account is When_the_Day_Met_Night21 :)

[eldritchmochi]

Word prompt for the letters! SWORD TIME

mina pls that is so many letters lmao

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

okay, if it is not obvious, i have thought SO MUCH about disability in exandria, so heres a general worldbuilding headcannon vs character based hc but it's shown that disability isn't overly impactful in exandria. basically everything we've seen ranging from pcs like shakaste to big npcs like dancer and also smaller one off pcs like the moorbounder dealer in the city of beasts, whatever the name is, they're fully functional within society despite major physical disabilities and theres functionally not a whole lot of ableism at a surface level when it comes to worldbuilding (thanks matt).

however..... its not hard (for me) to extrapolate how the dynasty in particular would have a not great view on disability (thank u cherry for putting it into words as i was charlie day-ing over coping skills early on). it's not something that i talk about explicitly in coping skills (and may not since it would be really info dumpy and not vibe with the way i write or characterize the wizards lmao) but it's something ive spent a great deal of time thinking thru for the dang fic and my in-head notes are basically a) in a modern setting like coping skills, the healthcare situation moves at a glacial pace partly because elves live forever so what is a several year wait for a non emergent specialist issue and b) major disabilities, things that impact daily living to a significant degree that cannot be "fixed" with magic, are at best really only tolerated until anamnesis or consecution so the body can be reset into a more perfect form

i could wax poetic about the nitty gritty as it relates to coping skills specifically, but that is like, the base premise of 90% of the fic lmao

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom.

okay so, heres the thing: with the exception of a few squicks, if something is well written with some fukken *heart* i will eat up just about anything. theres some tropes i don't really get myself and haven't found anything with it that's interested me, like hanahaki, but i have fav fics involving things i notoriously avoid, like kid fic and hs aus. like legitimately, my absolute fav fic is a non explicit hs au, which considering i basically dont read non explicit fics OR hs aus is fucking wild

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

lets see, i did one here for an ashrym fic, and one here for general shadowgast so lets go with a single character, and a delightfully weird song for her

obviously imogen, again, because its funny. do not ask me why spotify recommended this german edm country album to me a bit ago but i listened to the whole thing and it fucking slapped, and this song immediately went on my hells playlist

R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom?

I AM ONLY DOING ONE BECAUSE I DONT TRUST YOU MINA (ilu but also damn many letters lmao)

but callowmoore is just chefs kiss. i don't see anything necessarily romantic between them but i love the idea of the two of them bonding over being absolute gremlins. ashton definitely needs a charismatic wingman and fearne definitely needs someone who has (some level of) smarts re Doing Crimes, so the two of them playing off each other is just delightful and i love how soft they are with each other in cannon and in turn all the fanart (especially the forehead kiss???? im still not normal about that)

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t.

hmmmmmmmmmmm okay i guess maybe reylo? the rots kiss was absolute garbage rey deserves better BUT i am in theory into her domming the shit out of him but reylo shippers as a whole soured me on the ship and now i just hhhh no thank you, even from authors i trust to write it in a way i'd enjoy :C

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending? 

T answered here! (basically no lmao)

I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

homestuck :I like part of it was definitely the Fandom Cycle of falling out if interest with something, especially once there stopped being new cannon i could access but a bigger part of it was seeing all my fav artists and writers in the fandoms, particularly the ones 30+, PARTICULARLY Black artist, being absolutely shat on by kids for the crime of... being adults in fandom spaces basically, or otherwise creating fanworks that featured non-white, non-thin depictions of the characters. i live vicariously thru @/roundandtalented when they spam share hs art because i still love those characters but yeesh ye olde tumblr hs fandom got VERY toxic

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

answered once here with ashton and here with astarion so i guess i gotta keep the train going with "a" name characters

hmmmmmmmmmm

okay lets say abby from ncis (i have watched Many crime procedurals lmao). i imagine she and i would be GREAT fashion buddies, especially when i'm bubblegum pop kawaii to her scary goth. we could swap tips on breaking in big stompy boots and all the best places for cute clothes, and i think we're fairly close in size too so could even SWAP gasp The Dream

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what?

god i do not know if fandom as a whole has picked up on any of the various things i've built in my fics but tbh i think its absolutely hilarious how i inevitably write a porn/camming au for like every fandom i write multiple fics for. it happens, every single time. EVERY TIME. in fact, mine and cherry's sg camming au started with me lampshading this trend i have, laughing about how FINALLY here was a fandom where i couldn't write camming and make it work, except whoops i thought too hard on it and made it work. this occurred over the course of like..... a single evening. i had the basic outline sketched out within twenty minutes of me being like "theres no way i could write camming into critical role, NO WAY" i am not even exaggerating

so i guess maybe my hilarious contribution to critical role is the contemporary magical setting proof-of-concept???? cherry did say there werent really that many at the time i asked because i lov me some modern aus

there are maybe some letters left idk at this point lmao but here is the meme for those of u who made it thru all that

[claudiajcregg]

S5 Pregnancy AU - I’d love to hear about!

Welp, this is embarrassing – mostly because this has been sitting in my inbox for almost two weeks, and I kept saying “I need to write something up!” and then… I didn't. (Or rather, I did, then I forgot to post it.) Sorry for the wait, Lil! Thank you for asking <3 (I'll divide this up because I keep writing about the process and how it came to be, instead of any actual, interesting facts.)

I have talked about this one in the past though I don't have a tag for it. The gist is what it says… (Early) S5 but CJ is pregnant. I had this idea over a year ago when I hit mid/late S4 in my rewatch. I thought it'd be interesting to explore some of her disappointment at that time if you added an unexpected pregnancy to it, even if I had the idea before even getting there, lol. Think, the ending-ish of Han, or parts of Disaster Relief. (Both of which do feature! I surprisingly focus a lot on Disaster Relief.)

The thing with S5 is that the timeline is so weird, and I feel I've also created one that isn't entirely realistic but I think it works within the story. (IIRC, the season starts in “May” but also July, then the Shutdown is in November, lmao. A few of the episodes are sneaky two-parters that flow into each other… See 5-6, 7-8.) I've finally gotten out of the no-man's-land I wrote myself into and the next chapter or two, knowing myself, will deal with 7-8! There are a couple of scenes that should be fun to write! (There are so many details I want to mention that are technically spoilers for early twists…)

Every time I had the urge to write it, I'd edit whatever outline I was working in, and though I kept some details… my muse decided to make a big change early on that completely changed the fic's direction. That, and my inability to write anything succinctly. No reason why this story will cross the 100k barrier in a couple of chapters, tops. (It's sitting at 85k across 12 chapters. I think it'll be less than 20 chapters total. Hopefully.)

This might be too long to share snippets, but I've shared some either on the server or here, a couple of months ago.

For more irrelevant details on the “process”…

As I hinted at, I wrote an outline or two around this time last year, because I couldn't stop thinking about it. When I say outlines, it's a general path for the story to follow – ideas, suggestions of dialogue and/or scenes I write to myself; all focused around some sort of chapter structure. I find it much easier to write if I write down where a chapter might go, even if it's just a few lines saying “This happens → then this → finally this;” otherwise, it takes me months. Some would say that I should post it and get encouragement that way but… I hate being dependent on something I can control even less than my muse? That's not for me, thank you. Mad respect for those who work like that.

It was meant to be short – 1-2 “long” chapters per trimester, more if needed, but then interludes in between trimesters. It's not that. Most chapters currently cover 1-2 weeks, but there is not really a pattern. I was afraid of having a fic that would take over my life like the WOWO did three years ago… And it has, but I've also taken breaks and not felt too guilty about them. I definitely don't want this one to sit in my drive and have me wondering what to do with it.

(The novel, aka WOWO, aka IM AU (2021): 150k written in a little over five months, even with extended breaks over the summer. Still hits, even with all its crazy decisions, maybe because of them, but it's also been too long, and it will always remind me of someone who kinda hurt me. Attempts to replace those memories by sharing the story with others, trying to gather whether it's worth posting, have failed, lmao. One day! Maybe!)

But yeah. Uuuuuhhhh. As I've said… Twelve chapters in ten months, 85k words… It's still not done. In fact, I've repeatedly said I am unsure of how to end it (beyond the obvious), but I'd estimate it to be under 20 chapters. I'm not posting it anywhere yet because I want to be able to edit it as a whole and try to make it more consistent; to add little details as I come up with them. There's also the fact that I am not skilled enough to write a compelling story that mixes politics and emotion into something remotely engaging. As a result, the story's politics are very surface-level, and probably repetitive at points, but it's also true I've always been more interested and focused on the emotional journey and the relationship(s) at its center. (Which should surprise exactly no one who's ever read one of my stories.)

But, as critical as I might sound of myself here, I am having fun writing this and I'm committed to seeing it through. I just keep having ideas for stories down the line, putting actual show events through a 'but she also has a kid' perspective.

[biolightning]

five things you love about Zeri? Go!

an excuse to ramble about how much i adore my girl? 👉👈 don't mind if i do

i. first of all i really love and admire her spirit! it's what pulled me to her in the first place — the way she's all about fighting for a world where everyone has a right to belong and have a good life. she really believes in a world that can be good and in the strength that lies in connecting with others and forming a community. i find that sort of outlook inspiring in general — i wish i was more like that myself —and from a writing perspective it's also a character trait i find interesting since it's not the kind of life philosophy i've gravitated towards in the past when picking up a muse.

i think it shows that she's filipino rep from a filipino perspective. i'm not an authority to speak on this but it's so clear that her character and especially this side of her have been crafted with love and passion. i hate that her most memorable voice line — i belong here. we all belong here. — is a direct response to a real life hate crime because those things shouldn't happen but it really drives home how important she and characters like her are.

ii. this is in a similar vein but her personality!! zeri really isn't the type of character i tend to pick up and get attached to ( i usually like them moodier gfdigh ) but something about how full of life she is and how strongly she feels and how positive she is at her core really speak to me? she has a strong personality — bubbly and fun but still grounded. i really like that.

iii. i love love love love how physical she is. she's sooo punchy despite classifying as a spellcaster / lowkey a gunslinger. granted this is partly my personal portrayal but something about her just screams brawler to me and i've chosen to lean into it. her in - game mobility and the way she's described to move in her short stories is very parkour-y too and i just !! something about how she's all about movement ( and then how that translates so seamlessly into her magic ) tickles my brain just right.

iv. her magic!! specifically how uncontrollable it is and how she's still learning to deal with that. i love that the amount of control she does have is a community effort and labours of love from her mother and father specifically. "her jacket, a neighbor’s hand-me-down, was modified by her father to dampen her powers and let her hug her family." / "with the help of their neighbors, zeri’s mother had fashioned her a rifle made of materials given by those zeri fought for: the people of the entresol." help i will cryyyyy. i just really love how she was born with her magic and that it's connected to her emotions because it's shaped her life experiences and who she is—there's so much room to explore so many different emotions that comes from that, the good and the bad. also the electric eel imagery is cute and fun and i love it!

v. let's end this on a simple note: i love her hair!! and her jacket and gun. those aspects of her design are so cute. the fluffy bright hair with the half up pigtails and big jacket especially are such an adorable combo, i can't get enough of it. while i find the rest of her outfit a bit ehhh — especially the top — she embodies the aesthetic of the parts of zaun she represents really well and i love that. overall, her design from her looks to her powers to her backstory is a strong and cohesive whole from a lore standpoint; she's a well - made character which makes her easy to love and interesting to explore in writing. also? i know this is something of an unopular opinion and her patch history is a nightmare but i find her really fun to play as well (even if i suck lmao).

[freshpickle]

Vent post, trigger warning: $u1c1d@al

hii, just wanted to say i reaaally love your blog! :) i'll just vent here 'cause i saw u're ok with that. :D

ok so basically i've been diagnosed 2 years ago with depression, i was medicated for 1 year and the i just stopped going to my psychiatrist because i felt numb all the time (and i hated fhe feeling the pills gave me) but i got better anyway after a year. Howeveeer, this past summer i was finally able to go in no contact with "the reason" of my neverending sadness.🙄 And i feel like 1000% better now, but is there something no one talks about at the beggining of the healing proccess. The fact that you don't actually know who you are without your sadness. And I say this because even tho i was diagnosted just 2 years ago, i've been depressed for the last 10 years lol (like, fr, i tried to kms) and now with this ✨new will to live✨ it just feels weird. Because 10 i was 14, so i basically grew up being really sad all the time and now is just like??? What am I supposed to do haha.

Anyway, i am really doing well now, this summer in july i'll finish my degree (6 fkn years in this university really made me stronger haha) and i'm in a 5 years relationship with my bf and everything is going really well, but i can't help but feel weird about my self concept. Because I don't identify anymore with being sad, now i'm just me. But who am I really, you know? Because all the trauma is still unpacked and I still can't really fully enjoy life - sometimes i do think it's pointless anyway but i'll not do anything (kms) because i really don't wanna hurt the ppl around me. Is kinda sad the fact that i don't really wanna live because i want to, but because i feel responsible for how ppl whould feel if i'd be gone. From time to time i just try to enjoy/remind myself that life is worth living because i get to see more marvel movies, or eat a hazelnut donut (i really like those), or sometimes i feel like i should just stfu because it'll be a shame to die - i have a pretty face & body and i got pretty privilege a lot, isn't this the plot of all those 2000's movie? Pretty girls get a secretly sad life but then ✨the plot✨ happens and everything is ok? Lmao. Anyway, i feel like last summer was the plot and now i just get to enjoy life a little more - even tho i don't feel like doing it at all. And i feel a lil guilty because i have a good life (living in europe, good parents, good bf, a uni degree) like it seems like i'm doing "everything i'm supposed to do right" but i feel like ???? wanting to end it because of the years of abuse i went through. I really want to erase it all and live at peace with myself because at the end of the day is my mind vs my mind..

I'm sorry for this long ass text lol i did not thought i'd write this much, also i'm sorry if i've made mistakes english is my 3rd language so i'm not really good at expressing myself 🥲 you don't really have to answear i understand is a sensitive topic and not everyone wants do deal with stuff like this and it's 100% ok! 😊 i hope you have a nice rest of the week, and thank u for reading! ❤️

hey! thank you for venting!! i am always happy for people to vent in my ask box, I can't always promise to have advice, but i'm always more than happy to chat if people need someone to talk to!

congratulations on what sounds like so many incredible things going on in your life! i completely relate to that feeling of there being this chunk of your psyche that can't make sense of happiness because you've been in flight or flight to survive for so many of your formative years!

i really struggle with suicide and depression and i also battle the feeling of disappointing my family and friends if i was to act on any of those feelings. somedays its the hardest feeling to live for the big things and i find it helpful to focus on the little things instead.

i know you sent me this to rant so i don't want to give you any unsolicited advice, i'm just happy you feel safe to talk to me and if you ever do want advice, or want to rant some more, i'm here for you <3

[ovrtimelove]

✦ㅤPHIGHTING HAEYAJI...? // BOOSEOKSOON as PHIGHTERS! due to my recent addiction to the game phighting! when my friend made ocs for them, i ended up making a character. then i played the game. needless to say, it's pretty fun, even though it's a mix of the splatoon games and valorant. at least i have something to play to let off steam post-exams!! /jj ㅤ anyways, i thought of assigning phighters to the entirety of svt, but... i didn't really want to leave this one unfinished. 2024, i am a changed bitch. and i'm kinder to myself- so we're starting with BSS for now!! (but before anything else, i'm basing these off the phighters i've played ingame and my experience against/as them.) now without further ado, let's get into it. PHIGHTING- i mean, FIGHTING HAEYAJI ✦ㅤ WHO?: seventeen, kpop boy group ✦ㅤ GENRE: headcanons, crack

BOO SEUNGKWAN would be... ROCKET! (and theoretically, SUBSPACE!) he would be so fucking happy to start shooting shit tbh /JJJ rocket is a ranged phighter who... well, shoots shit! this phighter carries around a big ol' bazooka-looking weapon, and is good for crowd control. like seriously. i've died so many times to rocket mains. but you're super fucked when you have to get away from the opposing team, bc rocket is canonically squishy!! kwannie, upon first playing rocket, forgets that he isn't melee and goes right into the battle. during the intermission, he checks the ability descriptions and has an "oh shit" moment. THEN he gets a strat, which is staying still and shooting from afar. only ever uses his phinisher/ult when under pressure i think... but thank god it looks cool!! aabdeawhe but the thought of him playing subspace though, i think would be rlly silly. like, iirc subspace's phinisher is some vortex void thing that sucks in other players (idk if the user is immune). he'd absolutely ENJOY using that fucking thing, but will go back to rocket bc he claims that he can't see what subspace is even doing whenever he does any of his abilities.

LEE SEOKMIN would be... BIOGRAFT and BAN HAMMER! i hate biograft and ban hammer mains all the same. i keep dying to them because i'm a loser and i suck! /j but i think seokminnie would love playing them. biograft is a double-wielder and is fairly fast! you'd get easy kills if you play this phighter correctly/long enough, minnie probably does accidental kill steals whenever playing biograft... (i'd literally hate to go against him, im not afraid to start saying "i hate biograft") meanwhile, ban hammer has this absurdly giant hammer (lmao) and swings that bitch around. bad for when you're trying to move around while fighting, but at least he hits hard! probably played this one first before playing biograft, because woah! big hammer! heavy tank! more time on the frontlines AND damage-dealing! (i hate banhammer mains but i'd let him kill me if it made him happy)

KWON SOONYOUNG would be... MELEE PHIGHTERS and MEDKIT! literally struggled to settle on one melee phighter, but i figured that he'd sometimes shuffle through all of them. like either before a match or mid-match (yes you can do that), he changes depending on what looks cooler, or what would be more convenient/easy/advantageous. i think his more used one would be skateboard tho, solely because you can probably also do actual skateboard tricks. if he and dokyeom are on the same team, he accidentally steals ban hammer /hj. he's silly like that!! medkit is a bit of a special case though. probably plays during the rare moments where he goes against woozi. yeah, he'd play the game as well and mains medkit, bc uji on his own is already "i may be a healer, but..."!! he's p good at it. hoshi, on the other hand, only goes for medkit solely bc he reminds him OF uji. like,,, the exhausted look? the slight affectionate jabs towards his team? the subtle warnings that's just confirmation that he gives a shit? ujicore.

©ㅤ lookingforweiss '24, no reposting anywhere.

[sominbiased]

Me: *cries over submitting an assignment a minute late even though it doesn't really even count towards my final grade because my perfectionist tendencies are going to kill me*