#like is it too much to share those poems written after flashbacks

[olliegolliegee]

there are like two or three topics that are fucking scary to rant about even on tumblr. like gahhhhhh what if im just whining. or i'm being really weird. or whatever it is is really weird.

[sigynappreciation]

Sigyn Meta: Who is Sigyn?

A Norse Goddess who is known for being the wife of the Trickster, Loki, and holding the bowl to protect him from the snake’s venom. 

But besides that, Who is Sigyn? What does she mean to others? 

Journey with me as we explore who she is -- not only in the mythologies, but in other forms like the Marvel Comics, Worship and through fans.

#JusticeforSigyn

Sigyn’s Origins (Mythology):

Sadly, not many stories that have Sigyn in them have survived till today. She is only attested in the following works: Poetic Edda & Prose Edda. 

In the poem, Lokasenna, the most famous of poem’s with the couple, it talks of how Loki has been bound by the gods with the guts of his son, Nari, and how his son, Vari, has been turned into a wolf. The Goddess Skadi fastens a venomous snake over Loki’s face, from which venom drips. Sigyn, stated as Loki’s wife, stays by his side and holds a basin under and catches the venom so it won’t drip onto her husband, but when the basin grows full, she pulls it away to empty it, during which time venom drops onto Loki, causing him to wither so violently that earthquakes occur that shake the entire earth.

In the poem, Gylfaginning, Sigyn is introduced in Chapter 31 as being married to Loki and that they have a son by the name of “Narfi or Nari”. She is then mentioned again in Chapter 50 where events are described differently than in Lokasenna; Vali, described as a son of Loki only, is changed into a wolf by the gods and rips apart his brother, “Narfi or Nari.” The guts of Nari are then used to tie Loki to three stones, after which the guts turn to iron, and Skadi places a snake above Loki. Sigyn of course catches the venom in a bowl. This process is repeated until he breaks free, setting Ragnarok into motion.

In the poem, Skáldskaparmál, Sigyn is introduced as a goddess, an Æsir, where the gods are holding a feast for their visitors and in kennings for Loki: “husband of Sigyn” and “cargo [Loki] of incantation-fetter’s [Sigyn’s] arms.” 

Sigyn’s name means “Victorious-Girlfriend” in Old Norse. 

Sigyn may appear on the Gosforth Cross and has been the subject of an amount of theory and cultural references.

She appears in the 9th century skaldic poem Haustlöng from pagan times, written by the skald Þjóðólfr of Hvinir. Due to this early connection with Loki, Sigyn has been theorized as being a goddess dating back to an older form of Germanic paganism.

Sigyn in Worship/Honor: 

I’ll be speaking on this through my personal experience of working with Sigyn while also sharing some tid bits of basic info from others on this subject. I’m someone who works with Sigyn primarily, but sometimes gets help from Loki. 

A Lokean is someone who honors Loki as their primary deity ( or at least one of their primary deities.) Most are polytheists that respect a variety of worldviews and a wide variety of gods. FOR MORE ON THIS SUBJECT, VISIT THIS BLOG: https://lokeanwelcomingcommittee.tumblr.com

For those who work with Loki, you will also find yourself working with Sigyn. And sometimes you don’t even need to work with Loki first in order to work with Sigyn (like me!)

Sigyn is usually a calming and motherly presence. Loki is protective over her, but they usually work in unison together to help. 

SMALL DEVOTIONAL ACTS TO SIGYN: 

Holding the Bowl: It is a reflective act of Sigyn holding the bowl to protect Loki from the snake’s venom. This is usually the major one. 

Helping to support mothers (especially single mothers)

Support single parents

Supporting Women’s Rights

Keep fighting through the hardships 

Wear earthy tones

Commitment in everything you do.

Help others, but remember that self-care is important too

More devotional acts

KENNINGS/HEITI FOR SIGYN:

Wife of Loki

Incantation-Fetter

Lady of Staying Power

Lady of Unyielding Gentleness

Lady of the Unconquerable Heart

Mother of Narvi and Vali

North Star

Victory Woman

Lady of Loyalty

Loki’s Treasure

Devoted Mother

Lady of Endurance

Goddess of Constancy

Goddess of the Heart

Goddess of Neglected Children

Goddess of Comfort

Healer to All

Mother to All

Beloved of Monsters

SIGYN’S VIRTUES:

Strength

Loyalty

Grace

Humility

Gentleness

Charity

Constancy

Love

Endurance

Patience

Simplicity

Mindfulness

Compassion

I’ll cover more on this subject soon in a separate post, but this is the basic. 

Sigyn in the Marvel Comics:

Sadly, Sigyn is not portrayed the best in the Marvel Comics of Thor, resulting in her being missing from the comics since 1996 and practically killed off (only being referenced to in flashbacks.) 

Loki comes across her and desires to have her. However, she is already engaged to an Asgardian named Theoric, who Loki has killed and ends up taking on the disguise of in order to take Sigyn for his own. On their wedding day once the vows are said and done, Sigyn accepts her duty as his wife, granting her the title Goddess of Fidelity by Odin. 

She doesn’t have much of an agency or personality besides being Loki’s faithful wife in this. 

Fans wish for her to make a comeback in the Comics and MCU with better characterization. Hence, much Fanfiction, Cosplay, Roleplay and Fanart has been made of others own interpretation’s of Sigyn and #JusticeforSigyn is shared around in hopes of this. 

LIST OF SIGYN COMIC APPEARANCES:

Thor Vol 1 #275 (First appearance, 1978)

Thor Vol 1 #276

Thor Vol 1 #277

Thor Vol 1 #278

Thor Vol 1 #301

Thor Vol 1 #302

Thor Vol 1 #303

Thor Vol 1 #307

Thor Annual Vol 1 (9)

Thor Vol 1 #313

Thor Vol 1 #321

Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe Vol 1 (1)

Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe Vol 2 (1)

Gamer’s Handbook of the Marvel Universe Vol 1 (1)

Thor Annual Vol 1 (14)

Thor Annual Vol 1 (19)

Thor Vol 1 #479

Thor Vol 1 #483

Thor Vol 1 #484 (1995)

Thor: The Legend Vol 1 (1) (1996, last appearance)

Avengers: Loki Unleashed #1 (2019, first & only modern day appearance since 90s. FLASHBACK ONLY)

LIST OF SIGYN MENTIONS IN COMICS:

Thor Annual Vol 1 #10 (1982)

Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe Vol 1 #11 (1983)

Thor: Asgard’s Avenger Vol 1 #1 (2011)

Mighty Thor Vol 1 #12.1 (2012)

Loki Vol 3 #1 (2019 - referenced)

Sigyn and her impact with Fans:

Sigyn is still not that well known among others, but there is a small community of us fans who honor her through all forms she is displayed and her relationship with Loki. This is the reason this blog and @dailylogyn​ were created: to help unite fans and spread the word of Sigyn and her relationship with Loki through appreciation and education.

Fans also show their appreciation for Sigyn through Art forms like Fanfiction, Cosplay, Fanart & More! The cool thing is that she can be interpreted however you wish, but her love for Loki and her compassion is always her strong points. 

There is a tag #JusticeforSigyn in order to help give her the proper attention she deserves. MORE HERE. 

FANARTISTS:

I’m not going to post any of their art here in order to make others visit their blogs and give them the appropriate credit they deserve. 

Let’s support content creators! <3

@nanigram​/Nanihoo: This artist makes wonderful fanart of her own interpretation of Sigyn and her relationship with Loki (plus their children.) You can usually find most of it on Deviantart. 

@sigynart​: This artist makes lovely art of Tom Hiddelston’s Loki, but has recently come out with their own interpretation of Sigyn and has even started to draw Loki & Sigyn together. 

@dank-art​: This artist makes a lot of interesting twists to Sigyn and Loki either if it’s a modern look, an alternate universe or a certain aesthetic of the couple. They have a lot of amazing concept designs concerning Sigyn and Loki! 

COSPLAYERS:

@bubbleteycosplay​: She is known as the German Sigyn! This cosplayer has done a wide varieties of different versions/outfits of Sigyn. Besides here, you can usually find her on Instagram, Deviantart and other websites. She also helps inform others on Sigyn and her relationship with Loki.

In fact, HERE IS A LIST she has created pertaining to other Sigyn Cosplayers. I’ll list the others below though with links to their pages:

Vontrug (Instagram)

lady_laufeyson (Instagram)

Mizerious (Instagram)

Maryintothewoods (Instagram)

danni_darling (Instagram) 

I myself am planning to join these wonderful cosplayers too as I work to create my own Sigyn cosplay as well. :) They are all such an inspiration! 

CONCLUSION:

I could go on and on about the subject of Sigyn. She’s an amazing, caring and loving goddess who teaches us many helpful traits we need throughout life. Despite still not being that well known, she is greatly loved by this community -- and none other than Loki. 

Hopefully someday she will make a comeback in the Marvel world and get the proper characterization and love she deserves. Till then, us fans will continue to share the love, joy and appreciation we have for Sigyn and her relationship with Loki, welcoming anyone as Sigyn does with open arms and loving hearts. 

SOURCES:

Holding the Bowl: https://lokeanwelcomingcommittee.tumblr.com/post/102422224083/a-bowling-tutorial

Lokean Welcoming Community: https://lokeanwelcomingcommittee.tumblr.com

Small Devotional Acts to Sigyn: https://bramblevitch.wordpress.com/2020/06/23/small-devotional-acts-to-sigyn/

Sigyn on Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sigyn

Lokean Welcoming Community’s topics on Sigyn: https://lokeanwelcomingcommittee.tumblr.com/tagged/sigyn

Sigyn on Marvel Database: https://marvel.fandom.com/wiki/Sigyn_(Earth-616)

Sigyn’s Shrine: Who is Sigyn?: http://www.northernpaganism.org/shrines/sigyn/sigyn/who-is-sigyn.html

Sigyn - Norse Mythology for Smart People: https://norse-mythology.org/sigyn/

[bukojuiice]

25 lives — katsuki bakugo

ೃ  pairing: pro! hero katsuki bakugo x fem! reader

ೃ  tags: alternate universe/time traveler au,  a lot of angst, fluff but the sentimental and nostalgic kind, flashbacks, bakugo travels through so many parallel worlds just to find you.

ೃ  warnings: strong language. wc: 4,764 words

ೃ  my nav  →  my mha writing masterlist  → my katsuki bakugo x reader smau 

ೃ i created a spotify playlist for this fic, feel free to listen to it while reading here!

ೃ  please do reblog if you enjoyed!! it really helps writers and content creators on tumblr!  if you want to be a part of my mha taglist. send me an ask!  ♡

 ೃ  Heavily Inspired by one of my favorite written poetry/prose of all time, 25 Lives by Tongari. The poem will be heavily referenced and mentioned in this fic!  The lines from said poem can be identified [❝ like this❞.]

 ೃ After losing the love of his life in a brutal villain incident, Katsuki Bakugo had lost a part of him. Nothing and no one could ever bring her back. He became the shell of a person he once was; fiery, bright, and the driven #2 Pro-hero in the country. He continues to live life with guilt, all hope still lost until he is gifted a time device that can transport him to parallel universes, dimensions and alternate worlds, where he begins his quest to find his lost love. Crossing a hundred of realities and living twenty-five lifetimes just to bring her back into his arms.

“Stars die. they die and they are not sorry

No matter how much the moon says otherwise.

Stars die and your whole galaxy explodes.”

For the majority of Katsuki Bakugo’s life, he is the main star of the show.

Then, you came into his life and made everything else feel like a rehearsal.

In a world where he mostly treated everyone in his life as extras, you were the main heroine.

When he put up walls around himself, you brought them crashing down.

To him, the concept of love and loving someone romantically was foreign. It always came to him as a question, If whether or not love was something worth living for and sacrificing for, giving your half to another person to be whole, when he can already live for himself.

It was always a question… until you became the answer.

 “Use my new baby wisely! Okay, Bakugo-san!?”

Hatsume Mei, a schoolmate of Katsuki back in his UA days, warned him cautiously. She was now an esteemed scientist, one of the best in the country. Katsuki was the first one to come into her mind when she finally completed her new invention, a gadget that can transfer a person’s soul and being to a different body; one in a different space time continuum.

It was as if living a new and different life.

In another universe.

The concept of the device was pretty straight-forward. You are able to go to different dimensions and live the life of your other self; then if it wasn’t the world you wanted to live in, you are free to disappear and go to another parallel universe. It raised skepticism at first and it sounded too good to be true, as how could something as extravagant and complex as this become possible? But they were living in a world full of heroes with the most unique and bizarre quirks, so why can’t it be possible?

This was his chance.

Maybe, with this, he can bring back (Y/N)…

All along, there had been hope.

He was finally going to see her again.

His thoughts bring him back to the day of the incident.

What was reported to be a regular villain attack, escalated into something that no one could expect.

She was the only casualty-

 And he was a minute too late.

Was he not fast enough? What could have happened if he had gotten there in time? Hundreds of hundreds of scenarios of what could’ve been still continue to haunt him until this very day, what could have happened if he had only arrived there earlier to save her? The things he would do to see her beautiful face and feel her calming presence once more, to see the loving woman he went back to after a tiring day, to pepper kisses on, to be dancing with in the kitchen at 2 am, to be the sharing the first cup of coffee with in the morning, the one to wake up to every single morning…

The one whom you’d share the rest of your life with.

But, now… that life was gone.

Seeing your limp and unmoving body surrounded by debris was the most devastating experience and image he had to see and go through in his entire life.

He could do nothing but hold you in his arms, gritting his teeth, tears streaming down from his cheeks, feeling nothing but frustration and powerlessness as the world came crashing down on him.

 “Dammit (Y/N!) Why you? Why did it have to be you?”

Your resting eyes and dormant body remain steady and… cold. Your boyfriend rests his head on your shoulder, trying to hide that he was bawling in pain and sorrow. Katsuki began to feel the weight of his emotions pulling him down, his thoughts reminding him of his past failures and mistakes, and now that this accident that met your demise became one of those said mistakes, how will he be able to recover? If he was able to overcome his demons and insecurities solely because of you, his friends, and his parental figures to guide him… will he even be able to do the same once again?

He was the #2 Pro Hero too… What will the public think of him?

After he had failed to save the one that he had loved the most?

It has been a year since then.

Katsuki’s life went on without you. 

Well, of course it did, Of course it does. It was just an ending, they told him. Not the end.

He told the general public that he had been slowly recovering and that he was able to bounce back to his usual explosive self. Still yelling, still being the competitive and pompous ass he is, even as a Pro-hero. But his friends and family weren’t dumb. Kirishima, his closest confidante knew there was something wrong with him. His parents noticed too that he still wasn’t himself. All of them did.

They all knew Katsuki still hasn’t recovered from the incident at all.

I mean, who would right?

It was perfectly normal to mourn. It was part of the healing process. The Pro Hero Dynamight still can’t move on and that feeling was valid. It takes time to fully heal and he had already made it clear time and time again that he will never ever love someone like the way he loved (Y/N).

But, if there was a way to bring her back, then he wanted to take that chance.

When Izuku heard of news from Hatsume Mei’s newest invention, Katsuki’s green-haired childhood friend immediately told him about it.

Although he was unsure at first, the quirky scientist assured him to wait a little bit more for the trials of the device to finish if he wasn’t sure about it. And when her test subject came back safely, bringing home their lost relative from another universe, that was when Katsuki became sure of his plans.

This was the key to bring (Y/N) back.

It wasn’t going to be easy but he would do absolutely everything just to see you again.

And with that, the day of his world-jumping adventure (literally) had finally arrived.

Bidding farewell to his family and friends, a small gut feeling inside of him says that this might be the last time he’ll ever see them again… and so, in the most Katsuki Bakugo fashion ever, he thanked everyone present that day… indirectly. He expressed appreciation to those who supported him and helped him throughout his life.

Now, it was his time to find the girl who had been there for him the most.

(through his darkest times and saddest nights, she was the ray of sunshine.)

He took a deep breath, turning to his loved ones one last time, a solemn nod yet the cheekiest smirk present on his face as he disappears, whisked away to another world.

The parallel universes that he was going through dropped him into different years of his life. So, Bakugo had to adapt to knowing what age his other self was in the timeline he was currently in. He was lucky that most of the time he landed in a world and at the time where he was a student at UA.

The time where he originally met you.

He needed to take note of every world he had been too because not only were each and every one so different. Katsuki wasn’t a poetic person (his vocabulary mostly composed of colorful words.) but as he continued to jump through so many parallel universes, he had begun to take note of the ones that stood out to him the most. In the form of a poem, one that he thought you would appreciate when he finally reunites with you. Another you at least.

[❝ The very first time I remember you, you are blonde and don’t love me back.❞

✧  This is the first parallel universe in where you were an upperclassman. From Class 3-A. A friend of Nejire, one of the big three. Katsuki was so delighted to see you, only for you to not know him. He was currently one of the most popular students in UA, of course he is, but you paid him no attention, passing by him in the hallways as if he was just another regular freshman, instead, you were seen holding hands with some slimey-looking guy that Katsuki has never ever seen in school. This wasn’t you. Or, at least, this wasn’t the (Y/N) he was looking for. This was only the first parallel world. He wasn’t going to give up.

[❝  The next time you are brunette, and you do.❞ ]

✧ Unrequited love. What a stupid cliché. In this world, he was an idiot too far up his own ass, whilst the entirety of Class 1-A loathed him and did not look up to him like the way they did in his original world. Katsuki was so caught up in trying to change his personality, that he failed to notice you. The girl who was always in the back of the classroom, looking out the window. You were always just there. Never noticed. Admiring him from afar.

[❝ After a while I give up trying to guess if the color of your hair means anything. because even if you don’t exist, I am always in love with you. ❞ ]

✧  This was practically the same world that Katsuki originated from. Only you were missing. Every single event that transpired in his life, had happened in this parallel universe. The USJ Incident, The Forest Camp Training, The Trip to to Nabu Island… everything. There was this huge empty space that you were supposed to fill. Except, you didn’t exist in this universe. It was the quietness and the lack of your presence in this world that bothers him. Katsuki wonders how this other self of his could continue this life without you in the picture.

[❝ I remember most fondly those lifetimes where we get to grow up together, when you share your secrets and sorrows and hiding places with me. ❞ ]

✧  This universe surprised him with puppy love. Here, he was brought back to his childhood. You were his dearest friend and childhood sweetheart. The three of you along with Deku, were a trio. At a very young age, you kept his feet on the ground, never wanting him to think that he was above everyone else despite his powerful quirk. The young Bakugo was able to share his frustrations and insecurities to you, while you always listened. You were always there. He talked about his quirk and his complaints about how the other kids only liked him for his powers, but not for who he actually is. You continued to support him and love him wholesomely for who he was and he was glad to have a friend like you and…. Deku. (as much as he didn’t want to admit it 

However, it ended there. The two of you lying down on the hill, looking up at the stars, and shyly holding hands. Just randomly faded away. And in a blink of an eye, the timeline shifts forward to middle school. His worst years, he would say.

He was so eager to see you again and hopefully remain friends with Izuku after all this time.

Yet, you were nowhere to be found and… Izuku wasn’t his friend anymore.

Apparently, the two of you became distant after graduating elementary because you moved away and never got into contact with him ever again.

This was too heartbreaking for this universe’s Bakugo. To have such a wonderful and healthy social life when he was a kid, only for all of that to just disappear when he started middle school. On to the next parallel world then.

[❝ I love how you play along with my bad ideas, before you grow up and realize they are bad ideas. And in our times together I have many bad ideas.❞ ]

✧  The Sludge Villain. A very traumatizing experience that still haunts Katsuki until this very day. In this world, you were still friends with him. Always following him around and making sure he didn’t get into trouble. He continuously pushes you away, telling you that he didn’t need you and you shouldn’t be controlling of him.

You finally had enough of his arrogance that day and… got into an argument with him.  It was the same day as the Sludge Villain incident.

It happened in this universe too.

After he was captured by said villain, you ran after him, tears welling up in your eyes, wanting to reach out and save him. The sludge villain noticed you, and became more interested in your quirk, targeting you instead. All Might was a little too late and…

The incident led you to losing your quirk and having to live in a hospital for the rest of your years.

It felt like a long bad dream. One that reminded him of your demise in his original world. Bakugo immediately teleported to a different parallel universe. Not wanting to deal with that kind of sadness ever again.

[❝ When we meet as adults you’re always much more discerning. I don’t blame you. Yet, always, you forgive me.❞ ]

✧ In this universe, you were in the same hero agency. Not knowing each other prior to this. Bakugo was the new hotshot that all the other heroes in your agency were going crazy about, just because he was from UA and was attractive. You didn’t get the hype and why everyone else was fawning over him. He was a Pro-hero just like all of you. So, when you finally met him in the flesh, you could immediately tell he was a conceited ass by the way he looked at you and by the way he presented himself.

Unbeknownst to you, Dynamight’s heart was fluttering with happiness at the sight of seeing you again. Your Pro-hero self. Caring, Bad-ass, Confident, and Courageous… It was you.

Almost you.

After being partnered up with him in hero work for the past months, he began to turn soft, a bit annoying, and act flustered whenever you were around which you immediately thought was very out of character for him.

Then he confesses.

You said no.

It just didn’t feel right. First, your hero career was more important to you and you just couldn’t reciprocate those feelings back. The two of you weren’t for each other, and he understood that. He left you for a moment to go get get some “fresh air.”

Bakugo was getting frustrated. His mind going hazy at the thought that he’s gone to so many parallel worlds yet still haven’t found you is slowly beginning to take a toll on him. But he still wasn’t going to give up.

[❝ As if you understand what’s going on, and you’re making up for all the lifetimes in which one of us doesn’t exist, and the ones where we just, barely, never meet. I hate those. I prefer the ones in which you kill me.❞ ]

✧  The next alternate worlds he went to were an absolute mess. One of them where the two of you barely meet. Merely passing by each other in the street, opening the door for you or entering the same convenience store. Fate not wanting the two of you to meet. Like magnets being pulled away from each other. A romance movie without the romance. As if telling Katsuki that the two of you were never meant to meet in this universe. Don’t even bother.

Then there’s the other one where you were a merciless villain and he was a pro-hero who had to defeat you. He couldn’t do that. You overpowered him.

But, hey, at least he got to see you as the girl who didn’t put up with his shit and could care less about him. Not to mention you were a part of the organization that was against everything that he stood for as a hero.

It was a tragedy. Not the Romeo and Juliet kind, but reminiscent of it. With Romeo sacrificing his life, yet Juliet remains the same and indifferent.

[❝ But when all’s said and done, I’d surrender to you in other ways. Even though each time, I know I’ll see you again, I always wonder is this the last time? Is that really you? And what if you’re perfectly happy without me?❞ ]

✧ Bakugo was finally teleported to a reality where he was a high school student again. However, he wasn’t studying in UA. Instead, having to go to a regular high school (which he was totally irritated about because why is his parallel self here going to a regular school in the first place? What happened to him?) The two of you pass by each other on your way home. Going off in different directions. You were a student at UA, laughing and mindlessly chatting with his friends. Mina, Kirishima, Denki, and Sero…

All of you barely even noticing him and acknowledging his presence.

At this moment, he realized that maybe you weren’t meant to meet in this world again. He felt like a simple character in the background. A small speck of dust in your universe. God, why was he thinking this? This wasn’t like him. He slowly lost his confidence as he goes from one parallel world to the next to find you. He couldn’t even motivate and give himself pep talks anymore. Has he reached the breaking point? Is he still even himself? Is he still Katsuki Bakugo?

Maybe, he should just give up trying at this point. Every single alternate reality so far all ended in tragedy. Not once were the two of you able to reconcile and have a happy ending. It was not like him to give up, but the chances at this point were slim and in each alternate universe, Bakugo just become more and more disappointed with how things turned out with your other-worldly selves…

It was as if the only universe where the two of you became happy was in his original world.

Was he going to stop here?

[❝ Ah, but I don’t blame you; I’ll never burn as brilliantly as you. It’s only fair that I should be the one to chase you across ten, twenty-five, a hundred lifetimes.❞ ]

✧  This was it. The twenty-fifth parallel world. Hopefully, the last one that he has to go to and hopefully the one where he finally he finds you.

Bakugo jumps into the portal, expecting the vibrant colors and hues of the city to appear around him, only for him to be transported to a white box.

In the middle of this white void was a cherry blossom tree. Blooming in the prettiest pink colors, and swaying with the non-existent wind. Near it was a small bench. A feminine figure sitting on it, facing the tree.

It was you.

You.

Katsuki knows it’s you because it’s the same dress you wore that day.

A beautiful blue dress that the two of you bought when you were out for some errands. It was the kind of blue that reminded you of the sky, which is why you bought it in the first place. You were saving it for that day, to wear when you visit Katsuki at work and drop him off his bento lunch.

That day.

Instead of a sky reflecting off of your dress, it became grey. Like the color of a storm instead.

He remembers fondly what happened at that same morning. He was getting ready for hero work, whilst you were rummaging for something inside the closet.

“Ahah!” You exclaimed, finally pulling out something to wear. The sound of the wardrobe hangers clinking from the inside.

Katsuki wanted to take a peek of you but you were giving him no chances. You see him trying to take a look when you noticed his blonde hair spiking up more than usual.

“Hey! No peeking!” You giggled, hiding yourself even further inside your closet.

“Gah. Come on! Just one?” He groans, teasing you, trying his best to pull out his puppy tone. “Please?”

“No.” You deadpanned seriously and you could practically feel him pop a vein.

“Hey! What was that for!? I was just joking-“

“I was just joking too you weirdo.” You giggled again, stepping out of the closet. You take a deep breath and straighten your dress, twirling around for him to see. “How do I look?”

He dashes towards you, picking you up from the ground as he begins to twirl you around.

“Katsuki! Put me down!” You chuckle, feeling his strong arms wrapped around you. “You’re going to be late for work!” You tap his back lightly, trying to get him to put you back on the ground.

“You’re beautiful. You always are.” He says seriously. Not a tinge of playfulness or abrasive in his voice. He was still holding you up, but positioned you in a way that the both of your faces were inches away from each other, gazing at each other’s eyes.

The both of you lean in for a sweet and blissful kiss. It felt light and comforting. A feeling that you always have whenever you were with him. A very giddy feeling.

And at that same day, when he saw you again, surrounded by darkness, your eyes closed, your body tranquil and your gentle face looking ever so at peace…

You still looked beautiful, even then.

“Suki-kun.” You wave at him from afar, a solemn smile present on your face. You beckon him to sit next to you but he hesitates.

“(Y/N)…” His voice cracks, not really noticeable, but you could hear it. “Tch… are you.. real? Is this really you?”

“It’s me, love.” You continue to show him your smile. As you blink, you were suddenly caught in his arms. Katsuki was hugging you tightly like there was no tomorrow, his head nestled on your shoulder. His hug felt warm yet cold, like he had been hugging skeletons all this time whilst trying to find you.

You had no words to say to him.

It was just that kind of moment.

Hearing your voice, hugging you tight, holding your hand, and seeing your smile was enough for him at the moment.

This was you.

Actually you.

“It seemed like a lifetime ago when I began searching for you.” He whispered softly, his voice still so rough yet loving all the same.  

A lifetime of pain and sorrow. Of disappointment and missed opportunities.

“Ah…” Your voice trails off. “We don’t have much time left.”

“Huh? What the hell do you mean?” You untangle yourself from his arms, cupping his cheek and rubbing your thumb whilst he holds your hand still.

“I-I can’t go back to our original universe.” You mumble, trying to fight back the tears and continuing to caress his face. “We can’t go back together.”

“(Y/N)!” Bakugo’s face goes stern, as realization hits him. “Shit! (Y/N)! Look, We can get out of here okay!? There’s this device I have-“ The device on his wrist dissolves into nothing as the room around you begins to be consumed by darkness, like sucking you into a black hole.

“Katsuki… no. It’s hopeless! We can’t-“

“Damn it (Y/N)! I’ve traveled through every fucking imaginable universe possible just to find you again! I’ve gone through hell and back just to see you again! I’m not going to leave without you!”

Before you could answer his rebuttal, the bench that both of you were sitting on vanishes and now the two of you were falling in an endless black hole.

As this parallel world around you began spinning faster and faster, the two of you floated upwards, hands locked tightly together, and your eyes sad and bewildered.

The two of you watched as your faces grew younger back to your high school years, like this universe was going in reverse, moving the both of you backwards in time.

You were still holding onto Katsuki’s hands, trying to savor the last few moments with him as you began to say your goodbyes, tears coursing down your face.

“Katsuki… I know you had seen things you wish you hadn’t. You have done things you wish you could take back and I know you’ve been wondering why you’ve been thrown into all of this, why you had to suffer the way you did and why you had to go through so much just to find me. The ghost of me. And as you were going through all these alternate universes alone and hurting, I wish I could tell you that it’s okay. Even if you don’t find me again, I will always be here. My presence will always be lingering. I will live in your heart, Katsuki Bakugo. You deserve the whole world for traveling through twenty-five lifetimes just to look for me. I love you with all my heart, my soul, my being, and all that is left of me… I love you.”

“I-I love you too. Through all these lifetimes I’ve spent with another you, you will always be the one.” Katsuki mumbled, pulling you for one last kiss.

A kiss ever so soft and sweet, worth all the lives he’s experienced.

“Let’s meet again in another lifetime.”

Time continued to reverse back, to the point you no longer knew who you were with. Their face being blocked by a gleam of light. You were grasping the hands of a stranger, but you didn’t let go. And neither did they.

For a moment, there was a calming presence. A whole new world was opening up like a vortex, swallowing the both of you…

Into a whole new universe.

“(Y/N)-chan! Wait up!”

“Oh? Ochaco-chan!”

The brown-haired girl catches up to you, holding on to your arm as she catches her breath. “Can you believe it’s our first day in UA!?”

“I can’t believe it either!” You giggle along with her, taking in the sight that was the top hero academy of Japan.

It was finally the month of April.

The Cherry blossoms were blooming, symbolizing a time of renewal, a time for change and a time to turn over a new leaf.

Today is your first day in UA  Academy.

You still haven’t even grasped the fact that you even got in the first place.

Everything still feels so surreal.

The entrance exams and the excitement you felt whilst waiting for the results to release and now, you were about to step foot into the school of your dreams?

What an amazing start to your high school life indeed.

You and Ochaco were standing in the middle of the walkway, still in awe of all the pretty sights when someone bumped into you.

“Hey! Watch where you’re going!” You called out.

No response.

You turn to take a good look at the person who knocked against you and it was… a guy.

Blonde. Spiky Hair. Hand in his Pockets. Earphones on. His pants worn loose.

God, what a dork.

“It’s alright (Y/N)-chan! He probably didn’t hear us.” Ochaco assured you, trying to pull you away from him before you could even start a fight.

You sighed, turning to your friend with a smile. “Fine. Fineee. Shall we head to class?”

“Class 1-A! Here we go!” She holds onto your arm once more as the both of you giggle and hop your way into the classroom.

“Ochaco-chan! What are you saying!? You do know I got sorted into a different class right? I’m in Class 1-B!”

“A-ah! You’re right! I’m sorryyyy (Y/N)-chan!”

Bakugo turns his head to look back at your animated figure walking behind him. He stares at you for a good second whilst readjusting the earphone on his left ear, as he too, heads on his way to his Class 1-A.

There is something so delicate about time, so fragile. In a slight moment, you can miss something so pivotal, yet never have the chance to see or witness it ever again.

 Feeling the presence of the person you would be spending the rest of your life with, joining the dots in the sky, and wondering when your stars would align.

Until then, you will dream of him, and he will do the same. 

It was only a matter of time. You will cross paths again.

[❝ until I find the one where you’ll return to me.❞ ]

- Fin.

ೃ taglist: @chibishae34​ @sparkykatsuki​ @ramunegoddess, @serossimpy @drinktheramune​

[emachinescat]

II've decided to watch MacGyver from the beginning (again), and I'm live tweeting the experience with every tweet tagged with #savemacgyver. I thought it would be fun to share my collected thoughts from the episodes on here as well.

My Thoughts on S1E3, "Awl"

You're not only going to make it to 30, Mac, but you're going to make it to season 6. #savemacgyver

I love that Jack's bucket list includes finishing the Harry Potter books. Guess he's not a one-trick pony after all with sci-fi. A healthy blend of science fiction and fantasy is just what the doctor ordered.

Dylan Thomas reference! That poem was written about the poet's own father, and is about how everyone, no matter who they are or what they stand for, fights against death in the end. He's begging his dad to "rage, rage against the dying of the light," to not give in to death so easily, to keep fighting. Just taught this poem, actually, so I'm vibing with this reference super hard. Though to be fair, I'd be vibing with it anyway. Love Dylan Thomas.

Oh my gosh, this is the one with the fire extinguisher and inflatable escape! I'd forgotten which episode that came from, but I see GIFs of it all over Tumblr. Poor Mac especially, that looks like it hurts. Why is Lucas Till so good at being whumped?!

Jack hugging the fire extinguisher: Iconic.

I'll never get tired of seeing that polar bear! Do we know if he has a name?

I cannot get over how small and excited Bozer is, not a care in the world except for his movie. It's exciting to think about what's to come for his character growth, though I do wish he wouldn't have to go through all the things he does. :(

Jack's conversations with his dad at the grave are just everything. And I feel cheated that we haven't gotten to see Mac have the same kind of conversations at Jack's grave (though I firmly believe it's a regular occurrence off-screen).

Seriously, the way he talks to his dad is so familiar, so comfortable, so natural. It's like Daddy Dalton is right there with him and it fills me with so many emotions that I can't even.

The smile on Jack's face and the pride in his voice when he talks about Mac to his dad is the purest thing ever.

Also, that's a big-ass tombstone Jack is leaning against.

"Hi, Mr. Dalton. How's... life?" MAC! 😂

I can't tell you how much I love it when other characters talk about how smart Mac is. "He's a genius..."

First mention of Mac's dad. It's sweet how invested Jack is in Mac rebuilding his relationship with his old man. Also, I really wish we would have gotten a flashback of Jack's dad at some point. He seems like such an amazing man.

"If I could have one more day to sit and talk to my dad instead of that hunk of rock, I'd do anything." Jaaaaaaack 😭😭😭

Good old Ralph Kastrati. Single-handedly the most annoying character in all of cable television. Y'all have no idea what you're getting into with this one, dream team.

PUNCHFACE.

"My mom dated a guy like that once." Ouch. I'm about to start a Riley Zinger Counter for each episode. Her comebacks are 🔥

It's not just his face, Jack. Everything about this dude is punchable. Especially the way he says "yo."

Ewwww tightie whities no thanks imma head hom now byyye

Mac just snatched that can right out of Jack's hand as he was about to take a drink. Classic.

If I didn't hate Ralph before (spoiler: I did), then I extra hate him for the foie gras comment.

Yes, Jack, "asshat" is the perfect descriptor for this guy.

Is Mac seriously about to just make him some noise-canceling headphones? Who am I kidding? Of course he is.

I need more of Mac punching people in the face. For science.

Poor Jack didn't get to punch the punch face.

🎵 Snipers gonna snipe, snipe, snipe, snipe, snipe 🎵

Between the foie gras and the calfskin, they are really making this guy so easy to hate just sayin'.

"As soon as you're done saving his life, I'm gonna kill him, you hear that, smart-ass? I'm already dressed for the funeral." 🤣🤣🤣🤣

"He's g-good. He just... got kinda shot." Is that the medical terminology, Mac?

Jack using country music as a form of torture 🤣

"You're going to be seeing Yelp stars if you don't shut up!"

Have I mentioned how much I love the music in this show?

"I don't wanna die listening to country music!"

I love how bossy and grabby Mac gets when he improvises.

Another belt grab! I can’t get over Jack trying to keep his crazy partner from falling out of the window – it gives me life!

Actually makes me wonder if he does it because Mac’s taken a tumble out of a car window before. *fanfic brain engaged*

“You know how I feel about your puns.” C’mon, Mac, pus are the greatest forms of humor, bar-pun. (Geddit?)

Mc made a C in biology? I’m not buying it.

Dwwwwwww the sounds of the surgery. No thanks.

Though I will say this is one of the coolest (albeit grossest) things Mac’s ever done on this show.

What the heck is with that elevator door? It took a whole 10 years to close! I wouldn’t trust it. (To be fair, I don’t trust any elevator, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Sir Bleeds-a-Lot lol

Riley stepping in and taking charge once again. No idea how these two functioned before she came along.

Some seriously cool MacGyverisms in this episode. The whole process of “killing” Ralph and bringing him back with office supplies is so OG MacGyver and it gives me all the warm fuzzies.

Ralph: “You’re not a scientist, you’re not a doctor. So how the hell do you know all this stuff?” Mac: “...I read a lot of books?” I love Mac so much.

“Now go die.” Lolololol

The moment with Ralph wanting to call his mom and grow the hell up is surprisingly genuine and heartbreaking. Character development for a character in only one episode, hello, is that you?

“He’s dead, but he’ll get better.” MacGyver, 2016

Riley’s comeback about Jack’s plan to take out six guys if Mac takes out two is another winner. (Riley: 2, Jack: 0) Still, I love the whole, “Sure it does [count as a plan]. First, I’ll take two. Then, I’ll take the other four.” This is why Mac is the plan guy, not Jack.

“Or I can take them all out.” Mac’s confidence = 🔥

I might need to start a Mac sass counter too. Jack: “You seriously want me to put this on my face?” Mac: “Only if you like breathing.”

Jack’s left fist getting jealous 🤣

They really liked choking Mac in the early episodes, didn’t they? Not that I’m complaining. Actually, why did that stop? That strangled, panicked cry of “JACK?!” is music to my fanfic writing, hurt/comfort obsessed, whump-loving soul.

That cough - it actually hurts me to hear it! They should have given us some more repercussions or aftercare for Mac breathing in that gas!

Ralph fell asleep. Of course.

“You know, it’s weird. I’m glad he’s alive… but I still want to kill him. 🤣 I’m with Jack on this one!

Ralph: “A fresh start. I could use one of those right?” Riley: “Or a whole new personality.” ZZZING!!! Riley: 1 million, the world: -10

Oh he did not just call Riley “little hottie.” I’m back to wanting to kill him, character development be darned. So diminutive, dehumanizing, and objectifying. This guy has more than won the douchebag lottery. Riley can more than stick up for herself, but still. The way he speaks to her here makes me feel all kinds of gross.

He just said “ya heard” unironically. Can we let Jack punch him now, please?

Jack offering to let Ralph keep the cash he lifted if he gets to punch him is great, but even better is Mac and Riley offering to chip in money for The Cause.

Oh, yeah, Bozer was in this episode. I’m excited for when he is utilized more!

Bozer’s monster Mac is nightmare fuel!

“A letter? That you put in the mail? It’s 2016.” Hey, as someone who has an actual, old-school type pen pal, step off, Jack.

Mac: “You just gonna watch?” Jack, offended: “Not anymore.” How is it Jack is like Mac’s dad but they also bicker like 5-year-olds? This relationship is so strange, so wonderful, and the heart of the show in so many ways. I love them.

Mac’s words of wisdom about the nature of life are actually super encouraging and exactly what I needed to hear today.

I’d forgotten how much I love this episode – t’s so fun! Although the Codex storyline in season 4 is probably my favorite plot-wise, coming back to these early episodes is like a breath of fresh air! Excellent, excellent episode with so much to offer!

What are your thoughts on "Awl?" I'd love to discuss! :)

[currywaifu]

mankai company playing hot potato with shared the brain cell

i've had writing burn out for a few days now, but i saw this ask and this was born bc i wanna write, but my brain can only go this much atm~

yes, this is a joke ✌️ a joke written by someone who also has one (1) [I] {isang} braincell.

Sakuya: tends to not get the braincell, but sometimes the members lend it to him because he's a precious 🤗 boyo who needs to be a little less gullible (looking at you, citron 👀)

Masumi: will give away the braincell to izumi 🤲🧠 might not be so bad, maybe Izumi will cook something not curry? (or she could just even bigger brained and discover a new curry recipe…)

Tsuzuru: actually gets a lot of turns with the braincell? mostly when people are asleep 😴 because he doesn’t have to fight people for it… also because he stays up 👁️👁️ bc late writing ✍️. masumi forcefully takes away the brain cell when he passes out so they can continue playing hot potato

Itaru: as if he has the stamina to play hot potato lol. probably has a braincell membership plan 🧾 specifically for work, auto deactivates when he’s gaming 🎮 F in the chat

Citron: whenever it’s his turn to get the grain sell, immediately tries to spike it ala Haikyuu style 🏐 will probably injure someone on accident (Tasuku flashbacks to beach event)

Chikage: already has his own braincells, but will still try to take Mankai’s shared braincell anyway 😌✌️

Tenma: can he just buy a braincell? 💸💳 (wait he might lose it, nvm) active participant in the hot potato. please give him the braincell. one of the few times yuki will outright cheer for tenma- it’ll benefit yuki too, after all!

Yuki: with all those witty nicknames and comments, he obviously has his own braincells… but the summer troupe makes his own braincells deteriorate 🤯. he needs a spare.

Muku: people give him the braincell willingly part 2. what does he use the braincell for? idk probably some big brain shoujo manga thing lol. maybe he writes fanfics 📝💻🖱️ using a secret moniker who knows pfft.

Misumi: “the braincell is a sankaku 🔺!” is it? there’s a chance. misumi’s triangle standards are a bit skewed, it could be a sankaku to him! might trade the braincell for a super special triangle 📐

Kazunari: oh please, kazunari has the braincells already? sometimes it’s just more fun not to use it!!! 🥳🤩 (same, kazunari) idk y’all sometimes it takes being big brain to think up dumb tiktok shit

Kumon: another one who actually needs the braincell. what a pure boy. a bit of a dummy, but very pure. may or may not offer it to juza instead ⚾🤲🍧

Banri: see, he has braincells… but hE JUST DOESN’T ALWAYS USE THEM 🤦‍♀️! banri please, stop fighting over the braincell with juza and just use the ones you already have? you know he’s using the braincell the days he doesn’t wear obnoxious animal print 🐆 over plaid. (i love you king, but why)

Juza: head empty, sweets only. also, in fact, needs the brain cell. also also, in fact, will fight banri for it. will trade the braincell for sweets tho 🍧🍨🍦🥧🧁🍰🎂🍮🍭🍬🍫🍩🍪 (i would too, juza…)

Taichi: will a braincell make taichi more popular? idk, but maybe the braincell will let him know that his puppy charm 🐶✨ would be good to utilize more lol

(actually, everyone in Ouka High needs the braincell. maybe just give it to one of them on tuesdays so they can exchange it throughout the day?)

Omi: does a braincell help you become less dense? omi’s nice enough to just let people have it tbh 😌👊 lmao can see his mom tendencies 📈 for some reason… does it take braincells to be a mom friend?

Sakyo: also already has braincells except when it comes to the director. where tf did they go, sakyo? hmmmmm? will try to monetize 💰 the shared braincell somehow, maybe even have a planned schedule 🗓️ for it with optimal borrow times.

Azami: he will finally realize that k*ss*ng 💋 before marr*age 💍, in fact, will not 🙅‍♀️ kill you… is this a good idea? do… do we give him the braincell? this knowledge might be too much for the poor boy…

Tsumugi: to everyone’s shock, he’s able to send a normal text. with emojis 😳🤭. and figures out how to use the front camera instead of turning the phone 📱 around to take a selfie 📸. magically forgets when he doesn’t have the braincell anymore.

Tasuku: please, give him a braincell. he has the stamina to fight for it anyway! his brain is like 80% acting and theatre 🎭, and the other 20% is sports and exercise ⚽🎾🏓. please. this man who will do anything if he can “use it for future acting reference”.

Hisoka: his brain is 99% filled with marshmallows... does he have space for a braincell? does he even care about the braincell? when it’s his turn, maybe he’ll eat 🍽️ properly w/o ushering needed for once.

Homare: uHHH THIS POEM 📜 KING 👑 ALREADY HAS A BUNCH OF BRAINCELLS???? SUPER 🧠 BIG 🧠 BRAIN 🧠???? HOW DARE- (he needs it too. please. his head ain’t empty, but dammit listening to his poems makes your head empty as consequence)

Azuma: also already has braincells. all his… suggestions 🥴😈? you need braincells for that! another one w/ the power to make you lose the braincells instead 🤤🤡. get ready to join the fight for mankai’s shared braincell!

Guy: technically has the braincells, but like sakuya, kind of gullible. and also has a hard time hearing things 👂🙅‍♀️. help. give him braincell... i don't think braincells fix that hold on-

wtf did i write? ah well, guess i'll post it 😌✌️

[agwitow]

Hey there's two parts to this. My first question is How do you handle writer’s block? Writing can be an emotionally draining and stressful pursuit. Any tips for aspiring writers? Bonus Question How do you deal with emotional impact of a book (on yourself) as you are writing the story?

Hi Nonny, thanks for asking!

Okay, so... I have thoughts about this, and that might make this answer a bit, uh, longer... than you were expecting. Sorry in advance if you were wanting something quick.

Right, so. Writer’s Block. The boogeyman of writers everywhere. We hear people complain about it all the time, there are tons of guides to beating it (I’m even writing an entire book about getting yourself unstuck when it strikes), and everyone will likely give you a different answer as to why it happens and how to beat it.

To my way of thinking, this is because there are several different types of writer’s block. Too Many Ideas, or Not Enough Ideas, or Mental/Physical Exhaustion, or Written Into a Corner, or Bogged Down By Details, or Missed A Step

1. Too Many Ideas

While this might not sound like it’s all that bad of a thing (how can a creative type have too many ideas?), it can actually be really frustrating to deal with. Sometimes it means you keep getting ideas for new projects, and sometimes it means you keep getting new ideas to squeeze into your current project, and then sometimes it means you keep thinking up different ways to tell the current story.

Ugh. Well. Silver lining, your creative juices are certainly flowing. But that doesn’t help you get any writing done.

So if you’ve got this type of writer’s block, the best way I’ve found to deal with it is to have a notebook or word doc (or something along those lines) to jot down all the ideas as the come to you. You can even have a separate document for the ideas that pertain specifically to your current project. But the trick here is that as soon as you write the idea down, you push it aside and ignore it.

This can be hard to do at first. New ideas are soooo shiny that you can’t help but want to play with them. So it can help if you set aside a bit of time every week to go over all the ideas you’ve jotted down. Just make sure it’s a time that’s distinct from your writing time. Once you’ve gotten into the habit of this, then the flurry of ideas will no longer hinder your writing.

Alternatively, you can try channeling all that extra creativity into another art form. Especially something big and messy ;) 

2. Not Enough Ideas

When people talk about experiencing writer’s block, they’re usually thinking it’s because you don’t know what to do next in your story (i.e., that you don’t have enough ideas), but this is actually pretty rare. Usually you’ve hit that block because of one of the other items on this list.

But, when it is because the well has run dry (so to speak), then it’s like trying to start a car with a dead battery. And just like that, you need to grab some jumper cables and give it a boost.

Do some yoga, go for a walk, listen to music, watch the clouds drift by, go stargazing, get your heart pumping, read poems that make you cry.

Basically, you need to shake things up. Drag yourself out of the rut you’ve found yourself in by doing things non-writing related. Not only is that good for your general health, it’ll recharge your creativity.

3. Mental/Physical Exhaustion

This type of writer’s block has probably become the most common over the last year or so. It is dang hard to be creative when you are mentally and/or physically drained. This can come about because of stress, lack of sleep (literal exhaustion), pain, injury, illness, or lack of self-care.

The most important thing with this type of writer’s block is to remember that it’s okay to take a break. Your mental and physical health is more important than completing a writing goal.

Give yourself the space to rest, and your creativity will return.

4. Written Into a Corner

Let me tell you, I’ve fallen into this one a lot. It sucks, and it can take awhile to figure out why it’s such a struggle to write. It usually happens when you are determined to have a specific event or sequence of events play out in your story, but your subconscious is recognizing that the scene/event/storyline doesn’t fit.

If you can’t seem to figure out how to connect your current scene to where you need to go next, then it’s very possible that you should remove the current scene entirely, or completely rewrite/change it.

You might think this only applies to pantsers (people who write without having an outline first), but it happens to plotters just as frequently. It’s not about a lack of planning, it’s about not realizing that the way you’re forcing the story doesn’t match with some other part of it. Maybe because of extra world building, or research, or character development, or lines of dialogue three chapters back, but whatever the reason, it’s made the current scene not-quite-fit.

This is okay. It’s not a failure of planning or creativity or you as a writer. It just happens sometimes.

Go back a scene or two and rethink how to get to the next plot point. Can you rework the troublesome scene? Do you need to remove it? Replace it with something else entirely? Whatever the solution, it’s okay. Your story will be better for it.

5. Bogged Down By Details

Along the same line as the previous one, this kind of writer’s block often leaves you unsure of how to progress to the next scene. The difference here is that this time it’s because you let the narrative point of the scene become lost in the minutiae. Maybe it’s a big info-dump, or maybe you let the characters get sidetracked by sightseeing, or maybe some random supporting character has been elevated to having a three-page monologue.

Whatever the cause, you’ve tried to cram too much information into the scene and now it feels weird to connect it to the next one.

Read over the scene and identify what information absolutely needs to be there for the story to progress. Is there any information that doesn’t need to be there, but is good set-up for something later? Keep those bits. Everything else you need to cut.

Yup. Sorry.

If you really like the information or dialogue or what-have-you, save it and see if you can work it in to other parts of the story in small bits. A little extra world building here and there can really make a story feel alive. It’s when there is too much in one spot that it becomes a problem. 

6. Missed A Step

This one is almost the opposite of the last two points. Instead of having too much, or conflicting information, you’re missing something. For me, this is usually a rewrite/edit writer’s block phenomenon, but I’m sure there are lots of writers who experience it during their first draft too.

Basically, in your hurry to get from point A to C, you forgot all about B. Whoops!

If you’re writing (or editing) and the scene feels disconnected or like you’re having to do a lot of flashback-style inserts to get the reader up to speed, then you probably need to add something to a previous scene, or add a new scene altogether.

Usually this one (at least for me) doesn’t feel as much of a ‘block’ as the other types, but more like I can’t move forward until something is resolved. That something being the missing info/scene.

So yup... there are different types of Writer’s Block, and how you deal with it depends on what type it is. You might find that you experience one type more than the others, or that you experience a different type that I didn’t describe (in which case, please share). However you are facing off against writer’s block, just remember that it isn’t the end of the world. It’s just a sign that something needs to change.

As far as tips for aspiring writers go, I’ve answered a couple of different asks about that sort of thing before, so (to keep this from being monstrously long) check those out.

For your bonus question... I just let myself cry when I need to, or bounce around after the scene is written, and/or do some light sparring with my partner to work out the anger/stress afterwards.

Emotionally charged scenes are rough, but so rewarding. Keep on writing ‘em :)

Thanks again for asking!

xoxo

[michelles-garden-of-evil]

SP Influences: The Case of Charles Dexter Ward and The Haunted Palace

CONTENT WARNING FOR DISCUSSION OF RAPE (NOT JUST THE FANTASY METAPHOR KIND) AND SLAVERY. ALSO SPOILER WARNING FOR THE HAUNTED PALACE (1963), THE CASE OF CHARLES DEXTER WARD, AND BOTH THE FIRST AND FINAL ARC (INCLUDING THE ENDING) OF STRANGE PARADISE.

Although it never directly copied from other works, the 1969-70 soap opera Strange Paradise appears to have drawn inspiration from several classic works of Gothic fiction. Unlike its more famous cousin Dark Shadows (1966-71), which lifted most of its major plotlines from public-domain horror classics like Dracula and The Turn of the Screw with relatively few changes, the influence of other works on the plot and characters of Strange Paradise generally took a subtler form. Many of the early advertisements and articles promoting the serial compared its protagonist Jean Paul Desmond and villain Jacques Eloi des Mondes (both played by Colin Fox) to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde from the Robert Louis Stevenson novel, but--as Curt Ladnier has pointed out--there are only superficial similarities between the plot of the serial’s Maljardin arc and The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, making the two works less similar than readers likely expected. Instead, the plot more closely resembles that of another, lesser-known story about a protagonist controlled by his evil counterpart: the 1963 Roger Corman/Vincent Price film The Haunted Palace, a loose adaptation of the H. P. Lovecraft novella The Case of Charles Dexter Ward.

The plot and characters of Strange Paradise have too much in common with those of The Haunted Palace to be mere coincidence. In particular, the character of Joseph Curwen and his characterization in the film strongly resemble the portrayal of Jacques Eloi des Mondes, enough to conclude that Curwen must have inspired his backstory and his interactions with the other characters. While it is likely that Lovecraft’s original 1927 novella The Case of Charles Dexter Ward also directly influenced the serial, there is stronger evidence for indirect influence by way of the film adaptation.

The Case of Charles Dexter Ward

The plot of The Case of Charles Dexter Ward shares a common theme with the Maljardin arc: the evil ancestor from the seventeenth century who returns from beyond the grave and assumes the identity of his lookalike descendant. In both cases, the ancestor was involved in the occult during his lifetime and reviled for his rumored diabolical activities. During his lifetime--which he used magic to prolong--Curwen practiced necromancy, tortured knowledge out of the people he resurrected before murdering them again, experimented on living people, and summoned the god Yog-Sothoth for assistance in his occult activities using spells from the Necronomicon. Two fellow warlocks named Simon Orne and Edward Hutchinson assisted him with his occult studies, and were both still alive when his descendant Charles Dexter Ward brought him back to life. In the early episodes of Strange Paradise’s Maljardin arc written by Ian Martin, Jacques is portrayed as the literal Devil: an accusation about which he often jokes. He has many supernatural abilities, including possession, manipulation of electricity, telekinesis, the ability to magically alter messages written in sand, and--most importantly--the ability to resurrect Jean Paul’s dead wife Erica (Tudi Wiggins), which is why he frees his spirit in the pilot. He has an interest in voodoo, although he himself does not appear to practice it and instead fears its power. Unlike Curwen, no accomplices of Jacques’ return from the dead in the Maljardin arc, although it is possible that Martin intended for the seventeenth-century witch Tarasca, an earlier incarnation of wealthy widow Elizabeth Marshall (Paisley Maxwell), to fulfill this role after possessing Elizabeth.[1]

But these occult matters are not the only common interest that Joseph Curwen and Jacques Eloi des Mondes share. Both character were involved in the more earthly evils of the slave trade. A merchant by trade, Curwen also bought and sold slaves, importing enormous numbers of enslaved people from Guinea into his hometown of Providence, Rhode Island in 1766. He sold few of them, however, and Lovecraft heavily implies that he used most of them in his experiments. The televised version of Strange Paradise never explicitly references slavery (although Jean Paul’s immortal servants Raxl (Cosette Lee) and Quito (Kurt Schiegl) are implied to be Jacques’ former slaves), but the non-canonical book series by Dorothy Daniels does on occasion. In the second book Island of Evil, Jean Paul lists “black gold, another name for the importation of slaves” along with piracy and brigandage as one of the sources of the des Mondes’ family fortune.[2] A flashback sequence in Island of Evil confirms the past enslavement of Raxl and Quito, as well as an African voodoo priest whom Jacques forces to turn Quito into a zombie: the closest event in the Strange Paradise expanded universe to Curwen’s experiments.

Both Jacques and Curwen also met their ends at the hands of locals. In The Case of Charles Dexter Ward, Ezra Weeden begins spying on Curwen because he suspects him of illegal activities including witchcraft. Eventually, he turns most of the prominent figures in Providence society against him and they band together to raid and destroy Curwen’s Pawtuxet farm. During the raid, Curwen dies for the first time, but only after devising a spell for his future resurrection. Likewise, in Strange Paradise, Jacques dies after the natives of Maljardin turn against him, although the trigger and cause of his death are different. When Jacques murders his wife, the princess Huaco, by pushing her off the island’s cliff, a group of natives including Raxl and the Conjure Man band together to kill Jacques using a conjure (voodoo) doll and silver pin. These weapons curse Jacques to throw himself from the cliff and keep his spirit "shackled to the Temple [of the Serpent, Raxl’s god]” until the day he tricks his descendant Jean Paul Desmond into removing the pin from the doll, thereby setting him free.

Jacques’ disappearing portrait from Strange Paradise Episode 12.

Also significantly, both The Case of Charles Dexter Ward and Strange Paradise give the evil ancestor’s portrait a prominent role in the plot. In both cases, this portrait hangs at the ancestor’s former residence and disappears either temporarily or permanently when he takes control of the man who resembles him. When Charles Dexter Ward is researching the history of Joseph Curwen, his sources lead him to an eighteenth-century townhouse at Orney Court in Ward’s hometown of Providence, Rhode Island, where Curwen settled after fleeing Salem, Massachusetts. He hires a restorator to restore the painting, has it moved to his study, and discovers some documents of Curwen’s hidden in the wall behind it. When he finally succeeds in resurrecting Curwen, the painting disintegrates into dust: an end which Curwen himself later meets. On Strange Paradise, Jacques’ oil painting sometimes disappears when he possesses Jean Paul, but the show is inconsistent about this cue from episode to episode.[3] In contrast to Curwen’s painting, Jacques’ portrait always returns after he leaves Jean Paul’s body and appears to be indestructible: when Jean Paul sets fire to Maljardin in Episode 65, the portrait survives and later re-appears in the attic at Jean Paul’s childhood home Desmond Hall in Episode 131.

In spite of these similarities, I should note that the method of resurrection differs from one work to the other. In Strange Paradise, Jacques achieves this by possessing Jean Paul: after Jean Paul frees him by removing the silver pin from the head of his effigy, Jacques’ spirit can enter and exit Jean Paul’s body at will. In The Case of Charles Dexter Ward, the title character literally resurrects Curwen, his great-great-great-grandfather, using his essential salts, after which Curwen murders him. Ward behaves as though Curwen has possessed him--he has the speech and manners of a man of the colonial period and knows extremely specific details about the history of Providence--but the pit above his right eye which Ward did not previously possess and the lack of the olive birthmark on Ward’s hip indicate a different body. When Jean Paul opens his casket in the pilot, he finds only the conjure doll and silver pin; the absence of Jacques’ body is never explained and could be for any number of reasons, which we shall not discuss here.

The Haunted Palace

A lobby card for The Haunted Palace asking the question, “What was the terrifying thing in the PIT that wanted women?” (Source)

In 1963, American International Pictures released The Haunted Palace, a loose adaptation of The Case of Charles Dexter Ward written by Charles Beaumont and directed by Roger Corman. Due to alleged executive meddling (a theme which should already be familiar to regular readers of this blog), the film was marketed as an adaptation of the Edgar Allan Poe poem of the same name, which Vincent Price quotes throughout the film. In the adaptation process, Beaumont made many changes to the source material, the most notable of which was the decision to have Curwen breed human women with the elder god Yog-Sothoth, as alluded to on the lobby card above.[4]

Though an entertaining and visually enthralling film, most of the changes made to The Haunted Palace weaken the plot. In my opinion, Beaumont added too many Hollywood horror conventions during the adaptation process, which did not always work effectively considering the unconventional source material, not to mention left many plot holes unfilled. The dated and sleazy sexual angle which he added to the film makes the cosmic horror of Yog-Sothoth less cosmic and more carnal; whether this makes him more or less frightening depends on one’s personal opinion, but I feel it contradicts his otherworldly characterization in Lovecraft’s works. For the most part, the talents of the director and the actors (especially Price, who is fabulous as always) make up for these problems, but I prefer--and highly recommend--the far more faithful radio drama adaptation by the H. P. Lovecraft Historical Society.

The most notable influence of The Haunted Palace on Strange Paradise comes from its characterizations of Charles Dexter Ward and Joseph Curwen. Despite many similarities with The Case of Charles Dexter Ward, the characterizations of both Jean Paul Desmond and Jacques Eloi des Mondes owe far more to the portrayals of the protagonist and villain in the The Haunted Palace than in its source material. In The Case of Charles Dexter Ward, neither Ward nor Curwen shows any romantic or sexual interest in women whatsoever.  Lovecraft’s Ward only cares about antiquities, the local history of Providence, and the story of his ancestor; at twenty-six, he is unmarried and either asexual or simply too absorbed in his studies to pursue any romantic or sexual partner. The sexual orientation of Lovecraft’s Curwen is just as much of a mystery: although he took Eliza Tillinghast as a wife during his lifetime and their union produced a daughter, theirs was an arranged marriage for the sake of elevating Curwen’s social status within Providence society.

Both Price’s Ward and his Curwen, in contrast, show a marked interest in women. While their marriage is never outright stated to be a love match, Ward and his wife Ann (Debra Paget) appear to feel mutual love and devotion and have enough chemistry to imply a mutual sexual attraction. Like a dark mirror of Ward, Curwen shows a marked interest in the sexual and sexualized domination of women. In The Haunted Palace, the people of Arkham consider him a threat primarily because he lures local women to his palace to use in his rituals. While possessing Ward, Price’s Curwen rapes Ann--whom he later offers to Yog-Sothoth as well--and resurrects his former mistress, Hester Tillinghast (Cathie Merchant), who assists him in his sorcery in the film’s climax. If Lovecraft’s Curwen never did any similar actions, he does not mention them in his novella.

In Strange Paradise, romantic and sexual desire for women motivates both Jean Paul and Jacques. Jean Paul resurrects his ancestor neither out of an obsession with his history (as in The Case of Charles Dexter Ward) nor by accident (as in The Haunted Palace), but because Jacques’ spirit promises that, if the recently widowed Jean Paul frees him, he will restore life to his beloved wife Erica (Tudi Wiggins). Many episodes show Jean Paul mourning her death and narrating a tape-recorded journal to her, and he obsesses over protecting her cryogenically-preserved corpse from danger. Jacques romantically pursues several female characters over the course of the Maljardin arc--including Erica, her sister Dr. Alison Carr (Dawn Greenhalgh), and the wealthy widow Elizabeth Marshall (Paisley Maxwell) and her 20-year-old daughter Holly (Sylvia Feigel)--and makes many sexual innuendos about them. After resurrecting Erica, she obeys Jacques as though he were her husband and assists him by murdering most of the guests on Maljardin. This makes her character’s role comparable to that of Hester in The Haunted Palace.[5]

On a more superficial note, neither Jacques nor Curwen wears a costume appropriate to his era of origin. In his portrait and in flashbacks, Jacques wears a side-parted 1960s hairstyle and clothing, including a doublet and lace collar and cuffs, more appropriate for the 1630s than the late 17th century when he lived (1660-1689, according to the plaque beneath his portrait). Similarly out of place, Curwen has short hair and a beard and wears a historically inaccurate lace bib in his portrait and in the prologue at the beginning of the film. Unlike the others, this similarity is almost certainly coincidental.

An even greater similarity, however, can be found in the scene forty-five minutes into the film where Curwen speaks to Charles through his portrait.The scene occurs after the second instance of Curwen possessing him, during which he unearths Hester’s coffin and has his fellow warlocks Simon Orne (Lon Chaney, Jr.) and Jabez Hutchinson (Milton Parsons) deliver it to his cellar laboratory. Ann catches him down there and he sends her away, still possessed by Curwen. When Curwen leaves his body, they have this conversation:

JC: (from painting) "Charles Dexter Ward…" CDW: "Leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALONE!" JC: "I will never leave you alone. Your blood is my blood, your mind is my mind, your body is my body. It will do you no good to resist me. Your efforts grow weaker every day." CDW: "No! NO!" JC: "You cannot keep me out, Ward. My will is too strong." (he possesses Ward again) "Too strong for you, Ward. Too strong for you."

Similarly, most episodes from the Maljardin arc of Strange Paradise feature at least one scene where Jean Paul communicates with Jacques’ disembodied spirit, represented by his portrait. In some scenes, they use a shot of the portrait hanging in the Great Hall; other times, they superimpose Jacques’ painted face over that of his identical descendant. One of the earliest examples of Jacques referring to them as one comes in Episode 5, when he taunts Jean Paul about his attraction to Alison. “She’s so delectable a woman. How could I--you--we--ever resist or let her go?” he says, snickering throughout. During another such conversation in Episode 27, Jacques refers to Jean Paul’s body as “our body” and commands him to rest because he is tired. In still another scene ten episodes later, he complains to Jean Paul that he is “waiting for the use of our body” as Jean Paul begs him not to “enter”; the dialogue in the scene has undertones suggestive of fantasy-metaphor rape, which Jacques’ sickeningly sweet tone of voice underscores. These are only a handful of examples of the recurring theme of Jacques viewing Jean Paul’s body as his own and seeking to dominate it completely.

Comparison of a shot of Joseph Curwen glowering in front of his portrait with a similar one of Jean Paul glowering in front of the portrait of Jacques from Strange Paradise Episode 41.

Surprisingly, unlike in the novella, Curwen's portrait does not disintegrate when he possesses Ward. As Strange Paradise eventually started doing with Jacques’ portrait, Curwen’s portrait remains hanging until the end of the film, when it burns along with the rest of the palace (which begs the question of how it is even physically possible for stone to burn). Jacques’ portrait meets the same apparent end when Jean Paul sets fire to the château and flees Maljardin, but later returns to him at Desmond Hall, seemingly undamaged by the flames. It does not vanish for good until the final week of the show (Episodes 191-195), when a group of characters force him out of it by rubbing his brother’s ashes on his eyes and lips; this drives him out of the painting and into Jean Paul’s body, which he leaves at the end of the penultimate episode.[6]

Still another similarity comes from what is, in my opinion, Beaumont’s most ingenious change to the plot: the implication that all the human townspeople in 19th-century Arkham are reincarnations of identical people from the previous century, not just the necromancers. The same actors even portray their descendants: for example, Leo Gordon plays both Ezra and Edgar Weeden, and Frank Maxwell portrays both Dr. Marinus Willett and his ancestor Priam. Implied reincarnation figures heavily in the original outline for Strange Paradise, with Jean Paul, his sister-in-law Alison Carr, and the young heiress Holly Marshall all having dreams about previous lives on 17th-century Maljardin. Much like Jacques who possesses his descendant, Holly’s mother Elizabeth Marshall may have also been possessed by her previous incarnation, the native priestess Tarasca, under this outline, as foreshadowed in the clips in this video. The second Desmond Hall arc (Episodes 131-195), likewise, involves reincarnation from past ancestors (including the return of Jacques), but this final arc otherwise shares little in common with either The Case of Charles Dexter Ward or its adaptation.

Conclusion

There is strong evidence that Strange Paradise drew inspiration from both The Case of Charles Dexter Ward and The Haunted Palace for the story about Jean Paul Desmond’s possession by Jacques Eloi des Mondes. We see elements from both the book and its first film adaptation in the serial: Ian Martin’s characterization of Jacques, the possession, and the talking portrait owe more to the film, while the disappearing portrait and certain elements of Jacques’ backstory are more reminiscent of Lovecraft’s original novella. Despite this inspiration, Ian Martin added many other elements to the story of Maljardin that were not present in either work, including the conjure doll and silver pin, the strange circumstances surrounding Erica’s death, and secondary protagonist Holly’s pursuit by several male characters and victimization by a mysterious spirit. The result is a serial combining the plots of The Case of Charles Dexter Ward and its adaptation with original ideas to create a unique and--yes--strange new story.

Notes

[1] For more information on the aborted Tarasca storyline, see “The Secret of Tarasca“ and the section of my review of Episode 40 titled “The Lost Episode 40.”

[2] Dorothy Daniels, Island of Evil (New York: Paperback Library, 1970), p. 45.

[3] The Paperback Library novels do not just portray this consistently, but portray the other characters as seeing an empty frame while Jacques is controlling Jean Paul’s body. See also my review of Episode 15.

[4] For an in-depth plot comparison, see the blog post “The Films of Charles Dexter Ward” by Fake Geek Boy.

[5] According to an early newspaper summary for Episode 35, Tarasca would have endangered the life of Jean Paul’s love interest Alison, also shows some signs of possible influence by this subplot. See also this video.

[6] Many of the events of the final month of Strange Paradise are unclear and/or unexplained, so this interpretation should be taken with a grain of salt.

[stargazing-enby]

Fics I wrote in 2019: masterlist

I wanted to do this on New Year’s Eve, but I decided to wait till @hdowlpost reveals so I could add the fics I wrote for the fest, too. Lo and behold: the fics I wrote last year!

My most popular fics posted in 2019:

Highest kudos: Everything a Word Can Mean (Drarry, 2.3k, 1023 kudos). The soulmate AU I never intended to write! I was so sure this fic wasn’t anything special that seeing all the love it got baffled me so much, but upon re-reading it (and listening to @hptruefan-cheekytorah‘s podfic 😍) I realised I loved it too!

Highest comments: Falling for a Golden Boy (Drarry, 44k, 93 comment threads). My wireless! This fic gave me so many headaches and so many moments of happiness, but ultimately I’m just proud I could prove myself capable of writing a long fic in English--and I’m also so proud of my OC, O’Neill, because she wrote herself out of nowhere and she’s honestly the best.

Highest hits and bookmarks: the above fics again! 2019 clearly has two winners 😂

Below the cut are all the Drarry fics I wrote in 2019 (minus some unfinished collabs), the sole fic I wrote that wasn’t Drarry (it’s Fleur x Cho), and finally the fics I wrote in Spanish. Enjoy!

Drarry fics

Not Rated:

Of Ink and Rhymes (231 words). A collection of Drarry poems written for this year's inktober prompt list.

General Audiences:

You’re the Universe I’m Helpless in (411 words). Draco and Harry stargaze.

Matching Hats (323 words). Harry likes bickering with Draco, but not as much as he likes hugging him.

I Want... You (470 words). Draco and Harry slowly discover that feeling safe has a lot to do with allowing yourself to feel respected. And that includes being allowed the little things in life.

Crumb(ling Willpower) (706 words). Are they just Auror partners? Are they an old bickering couple? Who knows — definitely not them.

As Long as We’re Together (1.9k). Draco and Harry are going through a rough time as parents, but it's okay — they've got each other.

How to Ruin the Perfect Proposal (and Still Get it Right) (2k). When Draco's plans for Harry's birthday end up showered in (quite literal) blood, Draco has to find a quick solution. Featuring spaghetti, hot-air balloons and a proposal ring. (A collab with @drarryruinedme7! 😍)

So You May Remember This (486 words). Draco meets the wrong end of a curse and has to reacquaint himself with his life for a day. (A collab with @tepre 💕)

We Fall Apart, We Rise Together (102 words). The story of how Draco and Harry get together, as told by tree leaves.

Teen and up:

New Year, New Harry (223 words). In which Harry learns that life is a series of starting points.

An Enlightening Session (2k). Harry confesses a secret and makes a decision. 

A Golden Ball of Fluff (375 words). “In my defence, Luna said dogs helped with anxiety.”

Hatred? Not Quite (346 words). Just two idiots fighting in detention.

Are You Okay? (1.5k). “Could you come over?”

Only Each Other (419 words). Harry's as lost as the boy crying in his arms. All he can do is hold on tight.

Crucio (3.4k). "It is our choices that show what we truly are." But what about those who don't really have a choice? This is how their journey together starts: with an Unforgivable, a confession and the incessant dripping of a faucet.

Lost Boys (1k). When the first shriek pierced the air, Harry muted it with a groan and a punch to the wall. Draco's pain hurts Harry beyond relief, and Harry's pain hurts Draco, too. At least they have each other to hold on to.

Just Them (100 words). About how painfully easy it can be for them to get together.

What it Takes to Stay and Fight (1.1k). Harry's had enough of Lucius's words worming their way through Draco's head.

Constant Flux (527 words). Harry Potter is the one constant in Draco's life, only each time in a very different way.

The Art of (Not) Being Broken (308 words). Draco reads an article that explains a few things. And so he shares it with Harry.

700 (280 words). A string is broken.

What They Need (388). A few days after the Sectumsempra incident, Harry decides to go to the hospital wing to apologise.

To Save a Soul (376 words). Draco's and Harry's souls bond the moment Harry saves Draco from the Fiendfyre flames. Before any of them realises, Draco is Disapparated to Azkaban, and their soulbond—their souls—broken.

Pumpkin Boy (6.4k). It's Halloween night, and the line that separates Harry's world from the one he truly belongs in dissipates when he meets a peculiar, white-blond boy.

Help Me Remember I’m Free (412 words). Of what happens in Draco's mind during a PTSD flashback.

Everything a Word Can Mean (2.3k). In a world where magical people are born with the nickname their soulmate will call them by tattooed on their skin... what does it mean that the word on Harry's chest is the thing he hates to be called the most?

What Can Be Found (in a Game of Truth or Dare) (8 words + memefic!) Here's what happens when Draco is dared to give Potter a love bite... as told through memes.

Mature:

A Pointy, Posh Grindylow (1.5k). “Why don’t we duel, Malfoy? Just you and me, tonight, in the Room of Requirement.”

Who We Are at Night (708 words). “Just… hold me. Please. That’s what I need.”

A Dream About a Boy (445 words). Draco Malfoy had a very particular dream once. A dream about a boy draped on top of him.

Stubborn as a Cursed Vault (1k). Harry and Draco are assigned a case together. Feelings ensue. 

Amortentia [FANART] (203 words). 'I'm going to be just right for you.'

(Mis)calculations (5.6k; WIP). This is how they find each other: at 2 am, in the Eighth year common room. Draco wanting to fall, Harry wanting to sink, and both of them in need of someone to hold on to.

Floppy Socks (359 words). Harry arrives home one day to Draco wearing peculiar socks. Bickering ensues.

When Green Shines (2.4k). The legends say that a fine, red string of fate connects those whose souls are destined for one another. And the legends are true, except the string isn’t always fine and it isn’t always red. It’s different for everybody. For some it’s silk, for some lightning. Some people are connected by a ribbon of clouds, and some by electricity.

So why does Harry’s have to look like the bloody Killing Curse?

Explicit:

Alone at Last (1.9k). All they'd done so far was make out behind library shelves and the occasional groping in the Quidditch showers when they both arrived earlier than their eighth-year team. But today — today everyone had left for Christmas and they had the Gryffindor dormitory to themselves. And so Draco was naked on Harry Potter's bed.

Falling for a Golden Boy (44k). Merlin. Why couldn’t Draco have moved to a forgotten village in the Alps? He could have turned into a shepherd, learned to make his own damn cheese and given up his damn magic. But no, he’d had to come back to his Eighth year, hadn’t he? And this was his life now. Draping himself over Potter to hear words from him that he knew Potter wouldn’t ever mean.Great. The school year ahead of him looked simply great.

“All I know is—when I’m with you, I…” Potter, the heathen, grunted when he read the rest of his line. “Do I really need to say this?”

“What, scared of believing your own words, Scarhead?” Draco spat.

“Boys,” O’Neill warned them.

“All I—all I know is you’re the most amazing person with weak ankles that I've ever met, Meg.” Potter scowled. He was blushing again. “And when I’m with you, I feel less alone.”

Or where a drama play, a grumpy pompom and a bunch of well-intentioned friends help Draco and Harry find peace—and each other—after the war.

Traditional (3k). Harry makes a discovery. Draco makes a promise.

A Glance at the Past (In Our Journey to the Future) (7.6k). It's Christmas Eve. It's also Lucius and Narcissa's last chance to accept Draco and Harry's relationship before they stop trying to make the Malfoys come around and move on with their lives.

Draco also happens to have a plug up his arse. One that Harry can control with his mind.

(You’re a) Revolution (23k). “Will I—Will I see you around?”

Malfoy snorts.

“Careful, Potter,” he murmurs, almost to himself, as his fingers linger on the doorknob. “One might think you actually enjoy my presence.”

Eight years after the end of the war, Draco Malfoy stumbles into Harry’s shop in the middle of a storm—no wand, no backstory; no signs of having lived in the country since the Battle of Hogwarts.

During their first encounter, Harry promises Malfoy—and the words sound like an old mantra—that he'll figure out Draco's secrets eventually.

And then he does. He does, except…it doesn't quite feel like a victory.

Other ships

Smooth as Ice (Fleur/Cho, Gen, 398 words). Cho slips in more than one way.

In Spanish (Drarry)

Estaciones (641 palabras, Gen). Dicen que todo nace, crece y muere.

Como un ciclo.

Como las estaciones.

De tal palo, tal astilla (8.1k, Teen and up). A veces es necesario echar un vistazo al pasado para comprender el presente… y el futuro. (O donde Draco conoce a alguien con quien quejarse de Potter).

Recuerdos que duelen (318 palabras, Teen and up). Dos chicos rotos hablando sobre los recuerdos que los persiguen.

El chico de mis sueños (481 palabras, Mature). En una ocasión, Draco Malfoy soñó algo muy particular: soñó con un chico recostado sobre su pecho.

Calcetines de gelatina (369 palabras, Mature). Harry llega a casa y se encuentra con que Draco lleva puestos unos calcetines peculiares.

Flujo constante (562 palabras, Teen). Harry Potter es la única constante en la vida de Draco, pero de muchas formas diferentes.

Pumpkin Boy (Español) (6.9k, Teen). Una noche de Halloween, la línea que separa el mundo de Harry de aquel al que realmente pertenece se diluye cuando Harry se encuentra con un niño rubio bastante peculiar.

[your-localghost]

so um who wants to read a 50 page essay of me and my mom's journey through the IT movies?

too bad you're reading it

so like i saw this goddamm clown, and i, also being a clown, said to my mom, also a clown, "lets watch this clown movie lol" and she said yes. and in the like first five minutes we are already awwing and stuff because??? omg georgie and bill are so cu- oh. oh my god. oh this us not what we thought at all-

so enter Losers. instant RELATE i am also a LOSER hellO?? hAh look at these 2 idiots theyre bickering like an old couple an- oh my fucking GOD of course there are bullies. one of them looks like draco malfoy??? guYs did draco malfoy play in this movie we see him like 2 times-

oh my god oh no poor bill he is trying to find his brother :( but alsO BEV IS SO PRETTY??? IM SO GAY???? and yeah i really feel the New Kid On The Block like same man i didnt even get to meet a pretty girl and a buncho losers who will go jump into lakes with me

OH and the lake scene? it bites me in the ass later. i fucking passed it off as a "theyre bonding" moment and then it transforms into a feelings plane and crashes into my house

--

me: they just keep leaving their bikes

mom: well It takes kids, not bikes

--

fastforward and??? the fight secene?? the fuckijgn fi Ght SCE ne??? o H M Y GO D

bill was so desperate to find georgie?? richie was so scared he would die??? beN BEING SCARED HIS FRIENDS ARE GONE?

i AM ALL OF THESE FUCKERS

and oh?? bev's dad??? hate the vibe this dude gives to me. like this dude def did more than mentally abuse her and im so glad she beat him up

uhHHH??? WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT EDDIE STANDING UP TO HIS FREAKSHOW OF A MOM??? HOW HE WAS SO MAD????? HE THREW HIS PILLS ON THE GROUND HELLO, HE STRAIGHT UP YEETED HIS FANNY PACK??? MAN the things a gay goes through for his friends

bill's speech on georgie, like, dude just fucking stab me it will hurt way less

fastforward more, the oath??? how scared stan was??? like i ddint really feel any connection with stan other than his actor played my fav character, stan, in ianowt, but uHm? i still love him??? so mUCH???

oOOOH i just realied i didnt talk about mikey

ahem

THE ROCK FIGHT THE FUKING ROCK FIGHT THE ROCK FIGHT OH MY GOD

THESE LOSERS ARE SCARED SHITLESS OF THOSE SHITBAGS BUT THEY SEE ANOTHER LOSER AND THE FIRST THING THEY DO IS THROW R O C K LIKE FUCK YEAH YOU FUCNKY LITTLE MIDDLE SCHOOLERS STAND UP FOR YOUR FELLOW BULLIED I LOVE MIKEY SO M7CH OH MY GOD

__

so between the 2 movies we realized it wasnt on netflix and went on various websites to watch the 2nd movie, got progressively angrier until i got my laptop and just watched it blindly because we are both blind

--

okay heres the tea yall

they completely erased bev's character in the 2nd movie. in the first it was emphesized SO MUCH just how brave she was compared to the others. she took the first step, she wasnt afraid to go into the house she fought her abusive dad and in the 2nd movie it was all gone. i really liked the fact that bev wqsnt a damsel in distress until in the 2nd movie she was. while in the 1st movue you forgot that gender roles existed in the 2nd it really seemed like they wrote bev as a "woman" rather than "bev" you dig me??? okay rant over. basically fuck the 2nd movie bev and im not just saying this because her 1st movie actor made me realize i was a lesbian. on to the movie

oh mY GOD HOMOSEXUALS??? WILL THEY HAVE A PART IN THIS STORY OH MY IM SO EX- oh. right. oh hey theres mikey :D

___

me: who's this??

mom: its bill look, its his surname

me:

me: you remember bill's surname but not richie or ben's names?

---

oh theyre all grown up!! oh bevs fighting an abusive man again and uh

___

mom: i have a feeling stans gonna kill himself

me: hah can you imagi

---

STANLEY??? BABEY BOY OH NO???? and also are we gonna let the spider with the baby head thing pass?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DONT REMEMBER ANYTHI-

"this is like a virus its been eating us for 27 years!" YEA MIKEY ITS CALLED PTSD YOU FOUGHT A FUCKING DEMON AND DIDNT SEE A THERAPIST????

also the whole tribe thing seemed really out of story and like it didnt belong there at all? idk maybe its just me but i dont wanna believe that bill's 3rd eye opened after he got drugged by his friend idk

so like hightlights because ive got many rants about the 2nd movie

what the fuck do you mean bev got out of jer specilized hell after ben recited 1 fucking poem are you kidding me are yOU FUCKING KIDDING ARE WE REALLY DOING THE SAVED BY LOVE BULLSHIT AGAIN OH OKAY

OH OKAY FUCK YOU

SO BEV GETS SAVED IN THE FIRST MOVIE AFTER BEN KISSES HER WHEN AT THE TIME HE PRIBABLY THOUGHT LOVE WAS AT ITS PEAK WHEN YOU GAVE YOUR 2ND GRADE CRUSH A BADLY WRITTEN POEM

AND UFKCING HELL IT HAPPENS IN THE 2ND MOVIE TOO??? DOES PENNYWISE JUST THINK "oh these bitches hetero bettet keep them alive" BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS WOULD ALL BE OKAY IF

IF

IF EDDIE LIVED TOO

FUCK I RELATE TO RICHIE SO MUCH??? HIS FIGHT WITH HIS PEERS AND HIS FIGHT WITH HIMSELF OVER HIS YEARS LASTING CRUSH ON EDDIE?? OH MY GOD IT WAS SO OBVIOUS THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS GAY AND I DIDNT REALIZE UNTIL THE 2ND MOVIE WHEN HE HAS A BREAKDOWN BECAHSE HIS SOULMATE GETS STABBED BY HOMOPHOBIC FORTNITE DANCING CLOWN WHILR HE TRIES TO SAVE HIMA DN THEN FUCKIN G DIES EVEN THOUGHT THESE 2 IDIOTS HAD MORE CHEMISTRY THAN BILL+BEV AND BEN+BEV COMBINED OH MY GOD IM SO MAD THE HETEROS GET TO LIVE BY TRUE LOVE BUT THE GAYS DONT AND UG G H H G G HH "hes dead" NO HE FUCKING IS NOT THIS ISNT FAIR I LOVED EDDIE SO MUCH

well uh now that we got my love for richie on papet um

the lake scene

i cried and i had to watch heteros kiss underwater while wiping my tears. its only cool when percabeth does it guys

the lake scene aside i full on BAWLED LIKE A BABY at the ending because i felt so bad that stan died already and i felt bad that not only was richie facing years if bullying and homophobia anf the loss of his friends it finally is confirmed that richie had a crush on eddie and i

i just cried man? it hurt me so much as it weighed on me how many jokes richie made, how scared he was when he saw the missing paper of himself, his flashbacks to people calling him names, his speech to eddie and that he had to get dragged out because this fucker obviously couldnt let go of his feelings. and between all of that and stan's letter my brain blocks out everything and focuses on one

R + E

oh my god

OH MY GOD NO

NOW i dont really like watching movies. as a writer myself im really critical of everything involving the world building, the characters, the plot and all that jazz and usually the acting is so bad that i dont feel for the characters but THIS ONE. T H I S O N E

my mom turned to me and was SO SHOCKED to see my flat out CRYING because i just dont do that man, and she just asked my what made me cry and i just made a noise like "hhhnnnn" and she nodded and went "richie's love story" and i, still crying, went "hhhnnnn" but in a higher pitch

and im just so mad? that eddie didnt get to live?? we didnt get an "i love you" or even a "im gay" from richie??? we didnt get to see them holding hands and letting go of their trauma together and being gay and happy yet

yet the fucking bad-writer-white-boy and boo-hoo-i-had-no-friends and not-bev get happy endings??? mike can get a happy ending because he is a well thought out character

thESE 3 ON THE OTHER HAND OH MY GOD

bill had to change his endings which really makes me angry because ima writer yada yada

bill has been bullied his uh what whole life? he got told his opinion didnt matter and from what i remember even his parents shut down his ideas and i feel like he should have made the endings how he wanted instead of changing to what the public wanted. thats what he defended as a kid, thats why he was in the losers club unwilling to change, because they were losers. yet he changed.

ben should have stayed fat or at least have abnornal weight because that also defeats his story with bev. it makes it seem that suddenly and magically when ben is hot bev can BEGIN to consider that she loves him.

i already ranted about bev.

mike is decent i guess? i like that he didnt stay with whoever the fuck that was in the first movie because he seemed very aggreasive to me. im glad the chose to research into pennywise because others were too stupid not to (RICH AND EDDIE GET A PASS AGAIN BECAUSE THEY SHARE HALF A BRAINCELL AND I LOVE THEM)

well stan is just tragic

___

me: who the fuck is afraid of spiders why do they keep showing up

mom: its stan?

mom: he brought the hair things and all

me, about to cry: oh m y god

---

so TL;DR: we really liked the first film! the acting, the plot, the creepiness is overall better and you get to relate to a bunch of Losers who get abused by their parents

the 2nd film doesnt exist. i refuse to acknowledge it exist EXCEPT for the ending where stan writes a letter about how he would like to meet hks friends again while BREATHING and richie and eddie carve their initials on a piece of wood and get to be gay.

if your name starts with B your opinion is invalid in the 2nd movie

also can anybody give me fanfics where the fortnite dancing clown doesnt exist and richie goes to therapy to heal from the bullying and once he gets over his homophobia he gays with eddie??? specific i know but im willing to write it if it doesnt exist

[eldritchsurveys]

890.

5k Survey XVII

801. How often do you change your mood in a day? >> It depends. Sometimes I can actually stay pretty stable. Other times, more like a seesaw. Throw an emotional flashback or three into an otherwise-normal day and you’re in for a ride. 802. When you ask people how they are doing you actually care about their answer or is it just polite? >> If I, personally, ask how you’re doing, I literally am asking for the real answer. I rarely ever ask that, because that kind of “politeness” strikes me as particularly pointless and I generally don’t care how most people are doing anyway, so you know I mean it when I do ask. 803. Would you consider yourself to be very polite? >> No. I’m courteous in the sense that I say “please” and “thank you” to customer service people, and I hold doors for people directly behind me, and I say “excuse me” and shit like that. But I don’t make generic small talk, I don’t smile like a loon at randos (I’ll do a brief smile back if they smile first, but that’s the limit, and if I’m in a Mood it might end up looking more like a crazed grimace so be ready for that), and I’m not performative about looking “polite”. I’m just not interested. 804. Do you like movies and books that involve nuclear holocaust? >> Sure, I mean... the Fallout series of video games is one of my favourites, after all. 805. Have you ever had a lucid dream (a dream in which you knew you were dreaming and had complete control over what happened in the dream)? >> I’ve come close -- had the awareness but not necessarily full control.

806. Have you ever had a flying dream? >> Nope. 807. Have you ever had a lucid flying dream? >> Obviously not. 808. What’s the oddest law you ever heard of? >> I don’t remember. 809. What is the ultimate way to connect with another person? >> Good question. 810. Can you be intimate with someone without touching him or her? >> Of course. But different people prefer different intimacy styles. Maybe that kind of non-tactile intimacy wouldn’t feel the same for some people. 811. Can men and women ever really be ‘just friends’ with no interest in anything more? >> Shut up. 813. Are you addicted to this survey like drugs? >> No. It’s really just convenient at this point -- I don’t have to go through the whole process of finding a survey to take, because this one’s right here. If I happen to catch up to Elizabeth, I might have to wait a few days for her to post more sections, but other than that I’ve got my work cut out for me already. 814. If your significant other wanted to wait for marriage could you hold out or would you leave them (or would you cheat)? >> --- 815. What’s the longest sentence you can make using only words that start with the same letter as your first name? >> I don’t want to. 816. If you had a theme song what would it be? >> --- 817. Are you cranky? >> Not right now. 818. Which group generally annoys you more, people older than you, or people younger than you? >> There’s no rule with this. People can annoy me at any age. 819. Do you refer to older people as old farts? >> No. 820. Do you refer to younger people as the kids? >> Yeah. Nine times out of ten I’m not being condescending, I even call myself “kid” sometimes. 821. Which is better: Poems that everyone can relate to or poems that are intensely personal to the author? >> Both can exist. Sometimes the same poem can fit both criteria. An intensely personal experience can still be very relatable to a lot of people, and sometimes you find that out when you create art. 822. Is it worse to be too hot or too cold? >> I just don’t like being in extreme conditions of either kind. 823. Are you so flexible that you can put your feet behind your head? >> No. I’m very inflexible. 824. Would you enjoy reading fairy tales written about robots? >> Yes, very much. 825. Is smoking a turn on or gross? >> It’s neither. It’s just a thing people do. 826. What is the one way you wouldn’t want to die? >> Oh, you know. Most ways. 827. Which would look sillier on you: A cowboy hat or a Rasta hat? >> I don’t know. 828. Would you rather have a job doing something indoors or outdoors? >> Indoors. 829. Would you rather learn more about human nutrition or meteorology? >> Fuck, both of those subjects are interesting to me. 830. Have you ever taken honors courses? >> No. 831. What do you think of crop circles? >> They’re fuckin cool. 832. Where do they come from? >> I don’t know, and that’s part of what’s cool about them. 833. When was the last time you screwed up big time? >> I don’t remember. 834. You have a choice. What do you eat - A veggie burger, a turkey dog, or a cheese sandwich >> Veggie burger, absolutely. I eat those almost every day anyway. 835. Do you get a lot of random instant messages? >> No. 836. Do you have a paper journal also? >> No. 837. VHS or DVD? >> Streaming. (DVD if I must choose, but I really don’t care about owning physical copies of things, it just... doesn’t matter as much to me as I guess it matters to a lot of people. I tried to grok it and even adopt it as a practice but my brain just doesn’t work that way.) 838. Vinyl, cassette tape, or CD? >> Streaming. 839. Have you ever seen the video/heard the song Days Go By, performed by Dirty Vegas? >> I think so. It sounds familiar. 840. MTV: should it play more videos or more shows? >> At this point, I don’t even care anymore. The heyday has passed. Also, Catfish and Ridiculousness are fun shows, so fuck it. 841. Name a band: Dream Theater. Do fans of that band tend to share any characteristics with each other? >> I don’t know, I’m not going to stereotype progressive metal fans or anything, lol. I do have to admit that the first thing I thought of was the whole “girls don’t like Dream Theater thing” that Mike Portnoy said that one time, because when me and a girl I knew went to see them, we went for a bathroom break and the line for the women’s bathroom was literally nonexistent while the line for the men’s was a mile long. (That almost never happens anywhere else, lmao.) It was just funny at the time, I don’t actually think that’s a solid representation of listener demographics or anything. 842. What does the expression 'touch and go’ mean? It means being uncertain of a desired outcome. <-- I guess that’s what it means. 843. Caffeine or alcohol? >> Alcohol. I can sleep after drinking alcohol, and alcohol doesn’t make me anxious. Can’t say the same for caffeine. 844. Betty or Veronica? Archie or Reggie or Jughead? >> I was a preteen the last time I even held an Archie comic in my hands, I don’t remember anything about the characters. (And I don’t watch Riverdale either, lol.) 845. What book are you reading right now? >> Well, I was reading Wolves of the Calla but I haven’t picked it back up in at least a week. I’m struggling with wanting to continue this reread -- there’s some stuff I definitely want to reread (like the whole Castle Discordia bit and the part where Roland and Eddie go visit Stephen King), but I’m having a hard time remaining interested in the other shit. Also, I’m tired of Roland. I’m always tired of Roland, but, you know. 846. Is the news too depressing? >> Don’t ask me, I don’t watch that shit. 847. Would you rather have a stuffed lion, elephant, pig or duck? >> Lion! Oooh, I might get one, actually. To represent King Crimson. :B 848. Are you late for a very important date? >> No. 849. Ever use star 69? >> No. 850. Is everyone as smart as you? >> ---

[twilight-adamo]

Author’s Notes: These Our Actors, Chapter 2: Rosalie

I meant to start getting in the habit of posting a link back to my work on AO3 with my author’s notes for Brave New World Chapter 1, but I plum forgot, so I’m starting that practice now:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14429865/chapters/46781116

As I’ve said, this was a particularly difficult installment for me to write. To understand why, you need to understand my creative process. I tend to view writing as something of a dialogue between myself and my characters, particularly my protagonist. It’s not that I’m literally speaking with them - I speak of my characters as having minds of their own, and they do to an extent, but they’re not fully realized people. It’s more of a mental back and forth. I have an idea for a story, I begin writing, and then I just get a sort of sense that, oh, no, things actually happened this way, or that character felt this and said that at a given point. The characters tell me their own story, in a sense, once I’ve set the basic framework of the story.

Sometimes a character doesn’t want to talk to me, and I get stuck, and have to find a way to move forward. That wasn’t the problem with Rosalie.

Rosalie just had too damn much to say, and was quite picky with how I said it.

Am I entirely satisfied with the end product? No. Is the part of my brain that got into Rosalie’s frame of mind, the part of my brain that IS my version of Rosalie, entirely happy? Also no! But at a certain point you have to call the work done and put it out there, and after over a year of struggle, I was ready to get the blasted thing out of my head.

Looking at the revision history, I see that I spent a lot more time actively working on it, with fewer breaks, than I did working on Brave New World Chapter 1. I did take a six-month break from September to March, and then another extended break from March until June and July. I wasn’t doing a lot of writing at all in those periods due to the major stressor I mentioned before, a troubled organization I got involved with last fall which ate up a huge amount of my energy and mental bandwidth. Only since resigning my position with that organization and taking a step back have I found myself able to write again.

I did have a fairly complete version of this installment last year, but I’d had so much trouble writing it that I felt I needed a few extra pairs of eyes on it. I’m part of a small local writers’ group that meets every other week to share and discuss our fiction. Mostly I show them my original work, but they had seen some of my fan work before, including pieces of Out of the Blue (my Little Mermaid/Wonder Woman crossover) and a Power Rangers fic I have not yet begun to publish. Only a couple of them had read Twilight and none, as far as I know, had read As Dreams Are Made On, but I felt their general feedback might help me figure out what I was still missing.

A lot, as it turned out. In the draft I submitted to the group, there were no flashbacks to Rosalie’s developing relationship with Bella. The story focused entirely on Rosalie talking about Vera, intercut with scenes of her vigil at Bella’s bedside in Denali. I made mention of Rosalie and Vera’s little blood sister ritual, but didn’t show it; and in fact the blood sister scene and the observatory scene were a single scene, when they were about ten years old, and Edward wasn’t present. (Edward was, in fact, a very late addition to the observatory scene.)

The group felt that the story might be better served with more emphasis on Rosalie’s memories, and less on what was happening in Denali. They also felt that they didn’t entirely understand the depth of Rosalie’s feelings for Bella, and would like to see how they had become close. There were other more specific criticisms and suggestions, but those were the main issues.

So I went back to the drawing board. Even though none of the These Our Actors installments are meant to stand on their own - they all depend upon As Dreams Are Made On (and will eventually depend on Brave New World) for context - I had to admit we had only seen Rosalie’s relationship with Bella from Bella’s side, and I wasn’t entirely sure I’d sold it. I wanted to get her perspective on things. As always, she had almost too much to say.

The revision that followed involved a lot of agonizing. A lot of hair-pulling. This is probably the most technically complex story I’ve written in a while. I tried to keep the order of events consistent, always shuttling between time periods in the same order - present-day, Vera flashback, Bella flashback. I wrote the flashbacks as Rosalie telling the story, and the present-day scenes as an inner monologue. I added dates and places to try and ease confusion. Edward turned up - he was originally mentioned, but not shown - and while I didn’t feel he really fit, he came off as a decent character and I’m trying to write him sympathetically so I let him stay. I found I wanted to include discussion of Rosalie’s power, something I couldn’t really fit into Brave New World right upfront, and again it didn’t really fit but I tried to make it work.

Did I succeed? I don’t know. The initial feedback I’ve gotten is that the story is still confusing in parts. But people seem to be responding well to at least one of the parts I’m proudest of, and perhaps that’s the most I can ask.

The scene in question - Rosalie visiting Vera near the end of her life - hasn’t changed much from the first draft, if at all. I wanted to bring closure to Vera’s story, beyond the night of Rosalie’s death. I found it hard to believe she would never look in on her best friend, her surrogate sister. And, well, I guess Alzheimer’s and dementia are becoming something of a theme in my work, and writing Vera as suffering dementia toward the end of her life gave Rosalie another point in common with Bella.

As this story has evolved, I have deliberately started divorcing Bella’s story from my own. When I started writing, she was a straightforward self-insert, and the only question the story asked was “what if I found myself dumped into the story, in Bella Swan’s body and role?” But as this has changed, I’ve been trying to see less of myself in Bella, to make her more of her own person. She still has some things in common with me; one of those is that my mother died, far too young, from early onset Alzheimer’s, or as near to it as to make no difference. We never got a definitive, final diagnosis, but I watched her lose her mind, go from a force of nature to a barely verbal shell, from an independent person to someone who needed full-time care, who drifted in time and place, and who ultimately lapsed into a coma and died.

It was agonizing. And among my many regrets is the fact that I didn’t get to have an exchange like the one Rosalie gets with Vera. I didn’t get to have that final moment where she recognized me, and we talked, and I got to say goodbye. I didn’t realize that I’d had my last remotely lucid conversation with her until it was already over and gone.

So it’s a little bit of bittersweet wish fulfillment, perhaps, and a road into Rosalie’s head that I didn’t have before I conceived and wrote it. I am glad that at least some people have found it moving.

On to other matters.

The story centers on two poems. “The Old Astronomer” - one of my favorites - was part of it from the beginning, and seemed like a piece that both Rosalie and Bella would find moving for their own reasons. Canonically Rosalie did study astrophysics at one point, and Bella (again, like me) has always loved the stars. “Autumn Chant” came later, but when I heard it for the first time, especially that final stanza, it seemed so very fitting, and it gave me some ideas for Rosalie’s unique qualities.

Even in the actual Twilight books, Rosalie seems to have a uniquely sharp recollection of her human life, compared to other vampires. I knew early on that I was going to give her a power, and I wanted it to be more complicated than “supernatural beauty,” so ultimately I decided to bring her supernatural charisma together with her unusually good memory and create a new power: a supernaturally resilient self-image, one that allows her to protect her memories and sense of self from outside influence, and even project her self-image onto others. She sees herself as uniquely beautiful, she was raised to believe first and foremost in her own beauty, so others still see her that way too. (Rosalie is naturally lovely, of course, but her power gives it a little extra oomph.) How will that power change as Rosalie begins to master it and Bella helps it along with her own ability? What relevance will this have to the plot? I can only say that time will tell. But it was important, I felt, to get it down. I’ll have to find some way to work the explanation into the main story as things go forward, of course.

Overall, I sincerely hope you enjoyed most of Rosalie’s story. It’s not perfect - I don’t know if I can ever make it perfect, even if I do eventually loop back around to making an author’s preferred text out of all the Tempestverse stuff - but I hope there’s more good than bad. I have much more straightforward ideas for Callie, Angela and/or Edward, and Jasper and/or Jessamine cooking on the back burner, so we’ll see who ends up getting to go next.

[sunnysynthsunshine]

My letter

(Note: I’m aware I can’t personally directly send this to him, but I still felt like sharing this with you, my dear comrades, I was feeling really rubbish yesterday but after typing out all of this I felt a lot better, a lot of the thoughts in this letter are what has been buried under the subtext of some of my poems and that one writing piece I did, some of the topics discussed reference mental health, personal aspects of my life and spirituality so TRIGGER WARNING!..you may keep reading)

Dear Doctor Rik Mayall

Hello!,

I’m Kelsey, I’m a huge fan of your work, old and new, a 17 soon to be 18 year old from Northern Ireland I, unfortunately, wasn’t around to see your Bottom stage shows when they came to Belfast, I was too little at the time.

I did know some of your work though, that short-lived King Arthur cartoon was a show I’d frequently watch, and I remember when you’d voice the Andrex puppy and narrate who let the dogs out!

In later years I’d eventually watch that Young ones show you did, I fell in love with that show, your character too, that show helped me at a time after I finished secondary school when I was feeling really depressed because of drama going on with someone who used to be my so-called friend who I had learned later was manipulating me.

Your show made me realise a lot about myself and the world around me, as someone raised tory you helped me express the true  socialist and anarchist views that I wanted to show, I’m now the me I always wanted to be,I’ve met a lot of my new mates the ones in my college and the ones off the internet because of you, because of either them and I mutually liking one of your shows or me introducing them to your shows and them enjoying it.

I used to study drama as you did, but then I had to study media instead, my dance instructor really tainted my confidence, however, I did get a good grade in LAMDA, the drama school that Nigel Planer and Peter Richardson went to, I just did the exam though,I still love drama and I write poetry (like your character did) and my own comedy monologues while it took time to realise I lowkey wanted to be a comedian as well as an actor and artist,but I used to think I wasn’t capable enough, but I’ve written 7 monologues since last summer up to now and I’m quite proud of my progress.

My media course is going well too, I’ve often referenced you in some of my sources for projects like my Moving Image class and one time we had to pitch a film idea and poster, so I chose that Drop Dead Fred film, because it’s one of my favourite films of all time and I felt like the only reason it didn’t get the proper praise it deserved at the time was due to bad marketing.

Outside of that, times have been less than stellar, a bloke last October manipulated me, I just wanted to be friends with him, but he ended up being very mentally abusive,I have Autism so sometimes I hyper fixate *gush* about my interests too intensely,and sometimes I overshare and make weird pop culture references only a few people get,it’s ok at times but other times it can weird people out and it makes me seem annoying to others when I don’t intend to be.

That and my childhood was quite lonely, and often I get traumatic flashbacks from old and modern incidents, and some of the flashbacks are made up and create “intrusive thoughts in my mind, I hate that, I haven’t had my other issues diagnosed, because I’m too busy to find therapy, my country has a backwards mental health system, and some people in my life don’t completely understand the issues I go through.

You and other icons in my life, help encourage me to keep going through the tough times and I’ve been able to help others going through similar problems too, I am so thankful for my friends and I’m so thankful for your presence in my life.

Barbara is a very lucky woman and so was Lise when you were with her and your work has heavily inspired my own.

I feel like whenever I’m acting or when I watch you acting, I see a spiritual philosophical wall beside us, I’ve read and watched all your interviews, most of your tv and filmography and your book is fantastic.

I feel like our personalities are similar, we are both kind, but cynical, we have our cold  moments and times when we just want to be cuddly teddy bears, we love audiences but we’re also shy and sometimes timid,I can’t list all the traits here basically I can go from entranced and hyper-fixated to Pessimistic and Quiet and Timid to Mellow and Loud to dazed, relaxed and happy. Quite a mix of traits, in the past I was an ignorant coward, now though I’ve learned from that and I’ve grown a lot as a person literally and figuratively.

I have taken your mantras to heart, after I got kicked out of my old performing arts course I reenacted your Theatre monologue and posted it on the internet, It got lots of positive feedback not too long after that I continued the poetry,eventually the monologues and in between I got my first job as an assistant stage manager on a local theatre production of West Side Story.

I have a lot in common with both you and your characters,well mainly the positive traits, the negative traits I try to work on, even through our appearances, people have said I look like you, that has helped me accept myself, my identity and my own appearance, I’m far from a portrait but if I’m compared to you then I’m also very gorgeous,I also sort of scrapped through my GCSE’s, technically some of them were BTEC’s, they’re like extension course things, but then some of them I was average at anyway and the performing arts course didn’t let me show my full potential while there I mainly did villain and minor character roles. I shouldn’t be defined by a piece of paper, I should be defined by who I am, a wonderful, creative, smart, kind and beautiful person...like you.

Some of the “poems” I’ve made were tributes to you, and how while yes you had your flaws too, you to me are the perfect person, never before have I been so inspired or so connected to someone who wasn’t a Japanese cartoon (apologies, if that sounds odd, while I liked celebrities not many of them were relatable to me)

I even sometimes dream about you, I dream about being apart of the comic strip, I dream about performing alongside you, I dream about simply hanging out with you, going to pubs, Bowie concerts and that Groucho club you were banned from.

While there were some moments in my life, that I can’t remove or were learning curves for me, to have been around at the time, would’ve been interesting, yeah there’s the political rubbish but that hasn’t changed in the 2010s either, we still have Thatcher but her name is Teresa now, and a talking orange called Donald Trump is ruling America but he’s also literally just a white blonde Hitler.

I understand there are time rifts and time zone differences in the universes around us, but I do really wish I could’ve met you in person, sometimes the lucid dreams give a similar experience except you in those is like an animated hologram,I often try to “spiritually communicate” with you,sometimes it works other times I just end up talking to an imaginary clone of you,I can tell because they look like how you did in the 90s, and not the chill grey-haired grandpa you are now, sometimes I see your real self in those dreams, other times I only hear your voice.

I want to carry on the legacy, I don’t just want to spread my own ideas while teaching the world about your masterpieces, I want to spread the love, I want to remind the world to laugh at misery,I want to bring more light into where you left off,you aren’t dead,your just not physically with the world anymore, your mind, spirit and memory are still alive, in most people,your memory lives on

People still talk about you, I think about you, while the tories are still twats, the young revolution of the new generation is getting more attention.

I’m going to be one of the youths leading it, I’ll never lose my wisdom and you’ll always have a presence in my life and the world.

 as long as I, your kids and all your fans try to retain your memory, you’ll never “die”.

After all, you're the Rik Mayall, are you going to let God prevent you from occasionally visiting earth, visiting your family and friends? Of course not, I’m sure they miss you very much, and I’m sure Ade is sorry about that drama he caused about the Bottom spin-off.

Making the universe more bright and colourful

Lots of love as a fellow fan, performer and admirer but also as someone who sees you as a philosophical figure

xoxo

Kelsey

a.ka

That twit on earth from Northern Ireland who will never stop thinking about you

You utter pan-global phenomenon

I could only be talking about the one, the only, the Doctor Rik Mayall~

[even-strangerthings]

10 Things I Hate About You. Billy Hargrove imagine.

(Pictures/gifs are not mine. Credit goes to the owners.)

Warning: Angst, slight dirty talk, a lot of cursing, fighting. 

Pairing: Billy Hargrove X OFC character, Ava.

Word count: 4,110

Requested: No

A.N: The bold text is the lines from the poem, the italic text are flashbacks, and regular text is present time. Also, poem is not mine. It was in the movie 10 Things I Hate About You (my favorite movie), so that’s where it’s from. 

I hate the way you talk to me,

“Fuck off.”

Billy snaps, walking away from his girlfriend, not liking that she was once again trying to get him to open up about what happened at home that made his dad snap at him again.

“Why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong? I’m just trying to help you Billy. You don’t deserve to be treated the way your dad treats you. It’s not okay.”

She follows after him down the hallway to her house, catching him before he walks out the door by the sleeve of his leather jacket. Billy pulls his arm away harshly, glaring back at her.

“What don’t you get, Ava? I don’t want to fucking talk about my feelings and tell you every little thing that’s on my mind. I come to you so I can forget, not dwell on the shit that goes on in my life.”

“I’m your girlfriend, that’s what girlfriends do is help their boyfriends through shitty situations by communicating. I’m not here just for sex, Billy.”  

Ava responds, irritated that he was blowing this way out of proportion.

“Well maybe I don’t want you to help me anymore, you ever think of that? Maybe I want someone who will fuck me to forget instead of fucking talking for hours.”

“Are you serious right now? So what, are you breaking up with me for actually giving a shit about you?”

Billy stays silent for a few seconds before nodding his head.

“Yeah I am.”

Ava’s eyes fill with tears at his answer, freezing in the middle of living room, staring at him with sadness in her eyes. Billy realizes how his harsh words affected her and he could see her break right in front of him, but at this point he didn’t know how to fix the damage he had already done.

“You don’t want my help? You want to fuck whatever has a pulse and walks by you in a short skirt?  Fine. But don’t come to me the next time you get the shit beaten out of you by your dad. I knew you were a waste of my time.”

~~~

...and the way you cut your hair,

Billy came into 3rd period English, his trademark curled rocker hair cut down short. Ava looked on as he walks over to his group of friends in the corner of the classroom. He had a curly strand of hair in his face. She knew that he would never willingly cut his locks of hair, part of her wondered what made him do it. She used to love running her hands through his hair, especially when Billy used to sneak into her room late at night and she was trying to calm him down enough to go to sleep.

“Take a picture, slut, it’ll last longer.”

Carol calls out from the other side of the classroom. The other people in the class turn their attention to Ava, laughing to themselves. Billy looks over at her, his blue eyes glued to her, it was the first time he had really looked at her since their fight. Ava’s cheeks fill with redness at the unwanted attention, she looks away from the group and back at her desk. The bell rings, signaling the start of class. Everyone started to make their way to their seats, Billy taking his usual seat in front of hers. He hadn’t been in class since they broke up, so she didn’t have to feel the awkwardness of having to stare at the back of his head for an hour. He slides into the desk without a word.

“I uh… I like your haircut.”

Ava said softly, lying through her teeth. Billy looks over his shoulder, nodding his head and fake smiling, he knew she was lying. She wanted nothing more than to tell him she missed him and she was sorry, even though she really didn’t have anything to be sorry over.

~~~

I hate the way you drive my car,

Ava sat in her car behind the steering wheel, her mind still on Billy. She hated that every little thing reminded her of him. Especially her car. They would always take her car when they went on dates because it was a lot roomier than Billy’s Camaro.  But Billy would always drive because he was a total backseat driver when Ava drove, and it drove her crazy, so she let him drive against her better judgement.

“Slow down, speedy. You’re going to get pulled over and my mom is going to kill me if I get a ticket.”

Ava says, gripping the seats. Billy looks over at Ava with a devilish smile on his face.

“Oh come on babe, live a little. Just because you drive like an old grandma.”

Ava laughs, smacking his shoulder playfully, earning a chuckle from Billy.

“I do not drive like a grandma just because I drive the speed limit.”

Even though it irritated her when he would dangerously speed through stop signs or go 75 miles per hour on sharp turns, she missed the trouble they would get into driving around the town in the middle of the night.

~~~

I hate it when you stare,

The next day Ava walks into the school building and over to her locker, spinning the lock to open it up. She opened the door and saw a face staring back at her in the mirror. Ava turns around looking at Billy, his back against the lockers of the other side of the hallway. He had a fresh bruise under his right eye. Her eyes grow wide seeing his black eye. Billy slowly walks over to Ava, sadness written all over his face. She looked into his eyes, tears threatening to spill over the brim. He sniffles, still staring at Ava’s soft face.

“I wanted to come to you this morning when it happened, but I was afraid you wouldn’t have answered the door.”

“Why did you want to come to me? If I remember right, you told me that you didn’t want to talk about your feelings, you just wanted a simple fuck. That sound familiar to you?”

Ava fires at him, blowing past him and walking down the hallway to her first class. She can hear Billy following after her, trying to keep up with her fast legs. He steps in front of her, stopping her dead in her tracks. Ava glares at him, clenching her jaw.

“You don’t get to do this, Billy.”

“Do what?”

He asks, trying to reach out and touch her arm, Ava slapping it away from her.

“Treat me like shit and then come to me for comfort when it’s convenient for you. You don’t get to look at me with those sad fucking puppy dog eyes, and expect me to run to you and ask you if you’re okay. It’s not my responsibility anymore. That’s your new bitches job that you decided to dump me for.”

Ava rants, leaving a teary eyed Billy alone in the hallway. As she walks down the hall she detours into the girl’s bathroom, tears freely falling down her cheeks.

~~~

I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind,

Ava laid awake in bed, clinging to her sheets that still smelled of Billy. She wanted so badly to negatively think about him, but she couldn’t, she could only think of the good memories they had shared for a year and a half.

“I got you a present.”

Billy beams, handing you a box that was messily wrapped in wrapping paper. Ava takes the box, smiling back at him.

“Why? It’s not my birthday or Christmas.”

“Just because. Open it.”

He says, pointing to the box, sitting next to Ava on the bed. Ava rips through the blue striped wrapping paper until she gets to an all black box. She flips the top open, taking the paper out of the box and handing it to Billy. She reveals all black combat boots, ones similar to his.

“No way! Aww, we’re going to be matching now.”

“I saw you looking at this pair the other day at the mall and you always tell me that you like mine, so I got you your own pair.”

Ava smiles, setting the box next to her and leaning over to kiss Billy’s lips.

“Thank you baby, you’re so sweet.”

“I know.”

Billy teases, shrugging his shoulders with a laugh. Ava smiles at him, kicking her Converse off and slipping the boots on.

“I love you.”

“I love you too babe.”

~~~

I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme,  

Ava sits in the library after school to work on her English assignment due at the end of the week, her headphones plugged into her WalkMan with a mixtape she had made a few weeks ago. She tapped her foot absentmindedly to the beat of the song and brainstorming poem ideas. Her friend, Taylor, comes from around the bookcase, spotting Ava and taking a seat at the table with her. Ava takes her headphones from over her ears, smiling at her.

“Hey cutie. You working on your English assignment?”  

“Yeah. I have some ideas, but I don’t know if I can think of 100 meaningful words by the end of the week. My brain is fried.”

“I don’t even know 100 words to rhyme.”

Ava laughs, skimming through the words on her paper.

“You doing okay? I know it’s been a tough week for you, breaking up with pretty boy and all.”

“I’m not, but I have to move on and get over it. He’s going to, so I can’t sit here and sulk over him, no matter how much I want to.”

Ava responds.

“Fuck him, you can do so much better than that idiot. That’s what you should write your poem about, especially since you’ll be reading it out in front of him. That way he knows how much he broke your heart.”

~~~

I hate the way you’re always right,

“Babe I’m telling you it’s a ‘76, not a ‘77.”

“And I’m telling you that you’re so wrong. Look at the grill it’s completely different than the 76.”

Ava argues. Billy rolls his eyes, walking around the car for further inspection.

“You really want to argue with a car junkie?”

“I’m not, I’m arguing with you.”

She says with a smirk on her face. Billy walks over to her, his eyes narrowed, he lightly smacks her ass before pulling her into a kiss.

“Can I help you kids?”

An older lady with all white hair asks, smiling as she sees Ava and Billy separate from each other.

“Is this your car ma’am?”

Billy asks, working his charm on the lady. Ava shakes her head, laughing at him.

“Yes it is. It’s not for sale though honey.”

“Oh no I’m not looking to buy. My girlfriend and I were curious as to what year your car is.”

The lady nods her head, looking over her car.

“It’s a ‘76. My husband bought it for me on our 50th wedding anniversary last year.”

Billy turns around and looks at Ava with a grin on his face. She can almost hear him saying that he was right.

“Thank you ma’am. Have a nice day.”

He says, waving goodbye to her.

“I was right. You owe me a kiss.”

He says, leaning down so he’s face level with her. Ava glares at him, rolling her eyes and giving him a small kiss on the cheek.

“Why do you always have to be right?”

“Because I’m smart.”

Ava laughs, smacking his chest.

“Oh yeah? Alright Mr. Know it All, then tell me what a coefficient is.”

Billy stays quiet while he thinks.

“I’m street smart okay, not book smart. That’s why I have you.”

“Oh, that’s why?”

She asks, fake hurt over his response.

“And because you’re pretty, and you love me, and because one day we’ll have smart and beautiful kids.”

“Can’t argue with you there.”

~~~

I hate it when you lie,

There was a rapid knock at Ava’s front door, taking her away from her washing the dishes she had been procrastinating doing since last night. She dries her hands and goes to the front door, opening it to see her boyfriend’s face a complete mess. His bottom lip was busted open, his eye was black and purple, almost all the way swollen shut.

“What the fuck happened to you?”

“I fell.”

Billy mutters, stumbling into her house. Ava helps him into him into the kitchen so she could attempt to clean him up. He sits on a chair with a grunt. Ava wets a dish towel and brings it to Billy’s open lip, Billy wincing.

“You wanna tell me what really happened? Or do you want to keep lying to me, you shit.”

He sighs deeply and unevenly, closing his other eye. She can see him playing with the rings on his finger.

“You don’t want to hear about my problems.”

“Billy, how long have we been together?”

Ava asks, putting her hands on her hips.

“Almost a year.”

“And for almost a year you’ve been lying about why you always have bruises on your face and all over your body. I’m done hearing your bull shit lies. Tell me the truth.”

It was the first time that Billy told her about everything he had been going through with his father. She didn’t know how to respond to him, she didn’t know how to fix him and make him feel better.  Once he was done telling her about the hardships in his life they sit in the kitchen together in silence. Ava takes Billy’s hands in hers, running her thumb over his knuckles.

“I am so sorry you’re going through this. Nobody deserves to be treated that way.”

Billy sighs, feeling better that he finally told her his secret.

“You know you can come to me with anything that’s on your mind. Even if it’s just to hear the sound of my voice. I’m always going to be here for you. But you have to promise me that you won’t lie to me. I can’t help you if you lie to me.”

“I promise.”

~~~

I hate it when you make me laugh,

Billy sat behind Ava in study hall where they were supposed to be quiet, but those two together was always a bad idea. He kept playing with her hair that was flowing onto his desk, pulling the curls and watching them bounce.

“Stop you shit.”

She whispers, gathering her hair up and putting up in her scrunchie. Billy lets out a low laugh, running his finger up and down her spine. She sits straight up, goosebumps spreading through her body. He continues to lightly touch her, earning glares from the teacher sitting at his desk.  

“Hargrove, keep your hands off your girlfriend while you’re in my class.”

Ava bites her lip to keep in her laugh. Billy puts his hands up in surrender, placing them on his desk. A few minutes pass and she can feel Billy’s face close to hers.

“You know what I’m going to do to you when we get out of school?”

Ava’s eyes grow wide, whipping her head around to look at him.

“Don’t start.”

She warns, turning back around to continue her homework.

“I’m going to take you in the back of your car, kiss all over your body, make you beg me to touch you. Then I’m going to touch tease your pretty little pussy.”  

He whispers so low in her ear, a loud nervous laugh leaving her lips, she covers her mouth, horrified at how loud her laugh came out.

“Hargrove, other side of the room.”

The teacher says, pointing to the vacant desk across the room. Ava’s cheeks were a deep shade of red. She couldn’t believe that he went that far in class. She watched him sit in the seat far away from her, shaking her head at him, still laughing every once and a while throughout the rest of the class period when she would think about his words.

~~~

...even worse when you make me cry,

“Billy fucking stop!”

Ava screams, trying to restrain her boyfriend from punching the little freshman boy. The boy was on the grass, crying and yelling that he was sorry and that he didn’t mean it, but Billy was on a rampage.

“Get off of him you dick!”

She screams again, repeatedly hitting Billy’s back. There was a crowd growing around the brawl outside of the school. Some of Billy’s “friends” make their way through the crowd, pulling Billy off the kid. Ava rushes to the kid, caressing his bloody face.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Come on, I’ll help you clean yourself up.”

She says, helping him off of the grass, dusting the strands off of his back.

“Where are you going?”

Billy yells to Ava, the boys still holding him back.

“Don’t fucking worry about me and what I do, dickhead. We’ll talk about this later.”

Ava takes the boy into the girls bathroom, making sure that there was nobody in there before she brought him in. The boy was sniffling and crying, his body shaking.

“I didn’t mean to scratch his car. I lost my balance and I fell into his car.”

He sobs, looking at Ava. Her heart broke seeing him cry over something that he really didn’t have any control over.

“I know, don’t worry about him. I promise you that he’ll never even look at you, okay? Trust me.”

She helped the boy clean himself up, talking to him for a while while she did so. He was a sweet kid, which made her feel even more guilty about what Billy did. Once she was done she walked with him to his bus to make sure he was safe. Once he was on she walked to the parking lot, seeing Billy standing against his Camaro, smoke billowing out of his lips. She glares at him, opening the passenger side door and throwing herself into the seat, slamming the door shut. Ava watches Billy finish his cigarette and toss it to the pavement, going to the driver side of the car and getting in.

“We gonna talk now?”

Billy asks, not yet starting the car. She was beyond furious with him, and she was mad that she could feel tears filling her eyes, hating that she was an angry crier.

“You need to fucking keep your anger under control,  Billy. You can’t be going around and beating the shit out 15 year old kids because of an accident. He didn’t intentionally scratch your car you dickhead. You would have known that if you would have listened to him instead of being an impulsive ass hat.”

Billy looks at her angry before he notices Ava’s crying. He hated seeing her cry, hating it even more when he was the cause of her crying. He leans his head back on the headrest of his seat, sighing. Ava grumbles to herself, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“I’m trying.”

“I know you are, but you can’t go around beating up 15 year old kids, Billy. If you really have to fight someone beat the shit out of someone your size and age. You need to apologize to him.”

Billy sighs, putting his hand on her knee. She looks at him out of the corner of her eye.

“No, you’re not getting anything until you apologize to that poor boy.”

~~~

I hate it when you’re not around...

Ava awoke to her ceiling fan turning off slowly. She rolled over onto her back and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. She can hear hard rain falling outside her window and a strong wind whistling through the wind. The storm outside must have knocked the power out. Ava reaches under her bed until she finds a flashlight, turning it on to illuminate her room. She walks out her bedroom door, her mom’s bedroom door closed still. Ava walks through the house, sitting on the couch and wrapping a blanket around herself. She looks out the window next to the couch watching the lighting light up the night sky. Her and Billy would always stay in when it would rain, they would watch the rain fall from the sky while they were cuddled up on the couch. Billy’s arms wrapped tightly around Ava whenever the thunder boomed, knowing how much she hated it. She wanted nothing more than to drive down to Billy’s house and tell him that she forgave him, especially after the talk they had in the hall earlier that day. She missed having him around all the time, they could be in complete silence for hours and they would be content with their silence. As long as they were around each other nothing else really mattered.

~~~

...and the fact that you didn’t call,

It was probably the worst birthday that Ava had in her 18 years of life. The one person she wanted to spend time with was MIA, sure her other friends told her happy birthday and her family, but she wanted Billy. Ava was annoying the shit out of herself all week with the same internal battle.

“I hate him, I love him.  I can’t stand looking at his stupid face., I miss his stupid face.”

She walked into her house after school, hanging her coat up on the coat rack and walking into the kitchen where her mom was cooking Ava’s favorite meal. Her mom looks up, smiling once she enters the room.

“Hi mija, how was school?”

“Alright.”

Ava shrugs, giving her a small hug before sitting at the table. She watched her mom frying the tortillas over the stove.

“Did anyone call for me while I was at school, or on my way home?”

Her mom sighs, knowing exactly where she was getting at.

“He hasn’t yet. But he’ll call.”

Ava sighs, playing with the end of her hair.

“Am I stupid for missing him? He pushed me away and told me that he basically didn’t want me anymore, but I can’t stop thinking about him… I’m starting to hate myself for it.”

“No you’re not stupid mi corazon. I’ve seen the way that Billy looks at you and I’ve seen the way you look at him, and I know if you two really care about each other as much as I know you two do then this will pass.”

~~~

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all…

“Not even close, not even a little bit…”

Ava blinked back tears as she finished was one line away from finishing the poem. She looked over to Billy, sitting off to the side of the room, tears in his eyes as well.

“Not even at all.”

She choked out finally. She sighed, quickly walking back to her seat, dropping the paper the poem was written on at his desk before grabbing her bag and walking out the front door. Tears were flowing down her cheeks, loud sobs erupting from her chest.

“Ava.”

She hears Billy’s voice call out to her. She shakes her head, not bothering to look back at him.

“Ava, fucking look at me please.”

Billy calls after her, his voice echoing down the empty hallway.

“Babe, please.”

“Don’t fucking call me that. You lost that right when we broke up remember?”

Ava stops, whipping her head around. Billy wraps his arms around Ava. She buries her head in Billy’s neck, sobbing openly into him. She missed his embrace, his scent… him.

“Why did you push me away? You told me everything about you and your dad, and I was there for you.”

“I don’t know how to not push people out of my life, Ava. I don’t know how to treat people, especially when they care about me. I’m an idiot baby, I’m so sorry.”

Billy looks into Ava’s brown eyes, his own eyes red and wet with tears of his own.

“I can’t do this right now.”

Ava whispers, pulling away from him.

“You’re not going to be able to fix what happened by sweet talking me. It’s going to take a lot more.”

“I’m sorry, babe.”

Billy repeats himself, trying to touch her chin.

“I know. I heard you.”

She mutters, taking off down the hallway. She hears Billy groan followed by a loud slam against the lockers, not bothering to turn back and look at him.

[sincerely-chaos]

A Year as Told as Words of Fic Written

Inspired by @jbaillier‘s post on the year in terms of written fic (and the absurd experience of seeing one of my own scribbles mentioned amongst some frankly amazing stories…) I decided to give this summary thing a try, if nothing else then because I’m trying to get back to writing more again, and this might… something.

Most hits: A Study in Floodgates and the Art of Tipping Scales. My very first fic in fandom, my very first story written in English and also a frequent reminder of the fact that my English has - after all - improved after three years of writing solely in English. The story in which we follow the codependent and somewhat unhealthy start of what’s to become a relationship between Sherlock and John, with the added twist of each chapter illustrating a psychiatric symptom or a psychological phenomenon. Let’s say that ‘Show, don’t tell’ wasn’t really a concept I was aware of when I first started writing this…

Most hits on a work posted (I read this as ‘started’) 2017: Inconsequential. My little sandbox project that I started as a one-off on tumblr and almost deleted the day after, but that apparently resonated with a few, very persuasive people, which made me attempt to write an ending to it, and then it all got out of hand and became a story that is now rather dear to me, both because of its themes (kink, emotional constipation, neurodiversity, sensation seeking behaviour and the intricasies of relationships, kinks and emotions) and because it’s a story where I allow myself not to obey to any sort of ‘common sense’ in terms of writing - the chapters are very uneven, the story is fragmental at times, there are jumps, the chapters may or may not be written in the same narrative style and— you get the picture. This is where I go to amuse myself without caring too much about consistency, which is pretty fitting, given this version of Sherlock…

Most comment threads: Patterns of Silver Birds, which is delightful in a way, because of all that I’ve written, this is by far the most intriguing writing experience, but also the most personal and experimental. Plus, this story is what brought @pennypaperbrain into my chaotic life, and the discussions, beta and nudgings from her during the writing of this story have been some of the best and most intriguing things that has happened in my writing life. This is where love is actually - arguably - a chemical defect, OCD isn’t quite what you’d (well; John…) expect, Sherlock’s thought process is guiding the narrative and his perceptions and sensory experiences are more coloured by my gut reactions and instincts than in anything else I’ve written. Also, this is very much a cathartic story to tell in more ways than one… The fact that this story has put me into contact with people who mentions having had similar experiences as those in the flashbacks to Sherlock’s childhood is nothing but fascinating.

Highest wordcount: A Study in Floodgates and the Art of Tipping Scales (which initially had an even longer title, believe it or not…)

Most bookmarks: Patterns of Silver Birds. (Yes; I’ll try to finish the last chapter shortly. By which I mean ‘anytime I have the focus to put that many words and plot parts together without losing track of them. The outlines and parts of several scenes are in fact already done…)

Most popular AU story: Define ‘AU’, and what do you mean by ‘popular’? All my stories are more or less AU in some way, given the backstories I give the characters, but if we go by more common ways of defining AU, my most kudo’ed AU would be The Landlocked Adventures of The Tuna Detective, which is, yes; exactly what it says on the tin. Tunalock with a side-order of mental health (well, if we’re to be more exact, I’d say that Tunalock’s reactions in this isn’t very depressive, but a natural reaction to his situation as a landliving tuna in love with his human flatmate whilst being stuck in Moriarty’s net…). But if you look closely, it’s probably a story about otherness…

The stories I never expected to write: All of them, to be honest, but in particular The Landlocked Adventures of the Tuna Detective (I think you can guess why… but I had a fever and @yourdykeinshiningarmor was bringing me so many fish puns…!), Trick of the Light (because I honestly tried to write a PWP teenlock, and despite the fact that people tell me - kindly - that I failed the ‘without plot’ part, it was not something I thought I’d write. First time teenlock without any prominent mental health issues isn’t what I expected, so I rose to the challenge…), Imprints (because that ended up as close to ‘fluff’ as I’m likely to ever get), Things About Bodies Still Alive (my first poem ever…!), a redundancy of moons (this is probably as close to ‘break up’ or ‘relationship falling apart as I will ever go - I want them messed up and sometimes suffering, but not parting ways…!) and Anomie (in which I, for the first and to date only time, write something that takes place after The Reichenbach Fall).

The Story I’m most proud of in 2017; Patterns of Silver Birds.

Favorite moments in fic life: I refuse to answer this question as the answer would be obscenely long, but 70% of it would consist of the people I’ve met through fandom, IRL and/or online, and the things we’ve done, discussed or created. And a lot of knowledge that’s been earned through these years.

Frustrations: Seeing kind, talented, encouraging, fascinating people leave fandom because of wank (and not the nice kind that involves genitals) or other problems, or due to disappointments. Me being unable to un-compartmentalise everything happening after The Hounds of Baskerville (I don’t hate it, I just… got stuck in my happy place which is season 1 and 2). Being unable to write during periods of time due to the frailty of a chaotic mind. Fandom getting a bit less… populated after season 4. We have so much to work with - please stay and discuss things with me!

Stories I wish I had written aka my favourite reading experiences of fics published/updated/finished in 2017: Can I refuse to answer this question as well? Because frankly, I don’t remember which of all the amazing stories I’ve read over the year were actually posted or updated during 2017, and I could probably tell you some of my favorite stories overall, but… I can’t choose. If anyone wants to know what I’ve enjoyed recently, I do have bookmarks, bookmarked for very variating reasons; finding good descriptions of a phenomenon in them, an interesting take on something, the perfect comfort food in fic form, a story that won’t leave my mind, a story with fascinating narrative, a story that changed the way I look at love/sex/the mind, a story that pushes many of my kinks… there are many and varied reasons things end up in my bookmarks. But rest assured - there’s been so much amazing fic written in 2017 that I’ve adored!

My conductors of light: This is yet another question I find hard to answer, because I honestly am too wary of forgetting someone. I suspect some of you know who you are: the people that have discussed everything from sexuality to psychiatry or books with me on the tumblr chat and in comment sections, widening my understanding and opening up for a mutual discussion and sharing of some personal things I will rarely discuss with anyone in real life - I really, really respect and adore you all, and am thankful. It might be months between our conversations or I might be slow to respond, but it has meant the world to me. The people who have beta’d for me over the years. The people that has given fandom and me so many amazing, insightful stories, artworks and podfics (PODFICCERS!!). THÉ PEOPLE WHO ENCOURAGES OTHERS with their kind words, their inarticulate, enthusiastic keyboard smashing, emoticons, recs, reblogs, messenges, replies, love... and so much more!

I’m just really, really happy to be here with you all.

[delicadenza]

For the ask meme, can you share your thoughts on 1, 5, 7, and 9 on The Closest Thing please? (I'm still not over it by the way ToT)

Ooohhh, gladly! (I’m not quite over it either so we can just, cry here together ahaha T^T)

1: What inspired youto write the fic this way?The narrative structure of The Closest Thing–where the main story is interspersed with flashbacks to show how things between the characters have built up to that point–is one I make use of pretty often! TBH I sometimes think it’s too often because whenever I find myself wanting to write a story that way part of my brain is like AGAIN, MEG??? and then I feel very predictable, haha. But I thought it would work especially to illustrate how Kags’ feelings have built toward the present moment, where he’s finally gearing up to confess and let Suga go, and also to set up a kind of contrast between the present and the past–he’s learned so much from Suga, even if that learning is indirect and often painful, and by the time he confesses he’s not quite the same person he was at the beginning. I was pleasantly surprised with how it came together in the second fic, “the words that come out easy”, because I didn’t think it would work as well; it’s nice to follow Suga and see how his anxiety about how to treat Kageyama and how not to hurt him set against the slow dawning realization that Kageyama is okay, and that they’re okay, bless them. ;^;Also I’m not sure now if I had set out meaning to make it a two-part thing–I actually think I might not have, but it often happens to me that after I write a thing that’s so deeply anchored in the perspective of one character, I immediately want to sort of backtrack and retread the same or similar ground with the other character who’s being viewed, and that… is how sequels happen orz

5: What part washardest to write?ABSOLUTELY THE CONFESSION SCENE, IN BOTH FICS, even if it’s more or less the same scene with the POVs switched. By nature I’m almost phobically avoidant of confession scenes and handwave confession opportunities away in favor of Quiet Unspoken Understanding any chance I get, so that was hard for me :’) Also laughcrying because it’s not even a straightforward confession scene where one person confesses and the other reciprocates, but it’s instead a rejection scene BUT it’s also the gentlest rejection scene ever in which Suga is also trying so hard to affirm how much he values Kageyama even if it’s not In That Way… and that’s way more emotional layers than I was comfy with so it was kind of like, How Do.

7: Where did thetitle come from?With my titles 90% of the time it’s yoinked from either a song or a poem. :’) “The Closest Thing” is a song by The Juliana Theory that is just, Kagesuga as heck, because it’s a song about finding another person super special and wanting to be closer to them but not exactly knowing how to be, which is very Them. “the words that come out easy” is part of the first line–the rest of it goes “you’re the words that come out easy, and I am speechless at best.” “understand this is a dream” is actually the album title, but I found it so so fitting for poor Kags, so into the fic it went.

9: Were there anyalternate versions of this fic?Not exactly; this was mercifully one of those fics where I knew where it was headed and what I wanted to do with it pretty much from the get-go. But it did have the funny side effect of pushing me out of the “Kags pining for Suga is sad and precious because Suga would do his best to be good about it” brainspace and into the “KAGESUGA!!!!!!” brainspace, because I couldn’t bear to hurt either of them that way again ever :’)

Ask me about a fic I’ve written here

[linkspooky]

Omake + Meta = Ometa

It’s time once again to over analyze the omake. Jokes? What are those.

All of the omake cited in this meta are translated by @kenkamishiro​ and can be found on this tag [x]. 

Mutsuki’s Power Level

The first omake to have anything potentially of substance is the confrontation between Shinsanpei and Urie. A confrontation which also results in a return of Urie 400%, but we’ll get to that in a moment. The new details are the tidbits that are shown in Shinsanpei and Urie’s brief exchange of words.

Let’s cover that and more under the cut: 

The first is that Urie mistakes Mutsuki for Aura at first, which supports the notion that Aura at this moment exists as a foil to Mutsuki which is the reason the two are so often being partnered up.

Shinsanpei mirrors Mutsuki’s own transformation from a timid personality to one that revels in violence. He also shares the same eye motife, as seen above either one or both of Shinsanpei’s eyes are always covered only revealing themselves when he becomes especially bloodthirsty. Shinsanpei’s mirroring of Mutsuki though is to a much more minor extent and for lesser reasoning, something the omake seems to acknowledge even with Higemaru calling him an “Aunt-Con”. Perhaps by foiling Mutsuki to a character whose motivations are much more shallow and petty, as Aura herself does not want Shinsanpei to avenge her, it also highlights who despite the anger that Mutsuki justifyingly feels at the world for abandoning him and the suffering he’s endured, his current acts are in a way just as selfish as Shinsanpei’s. 

There’s also two more pieces of foreshadowing, Shinsanpei hints that Mutsuki is actually much more powerful than Urie currently is and somebody who needs to be competed with. This was also hinted as far back as the Donato fight, where it was implied that Mutsuki had a much higher rc cell count already then Urie who was hitting dangerous levels. 

As for how he attained these levels, it’s implied as far back as 100 that Mutsuki has been killing and hunting humans. Perhaps even eating them in service of strengthening his kagune. Which would also make sense with what Shinsanpei implied next, that he too like Urie could reach the same level of kagune formation when he framed out. Something that probably would only be possible if Shinsanpei began to eat human, or even ghoul meat alongside Mutsuki. His humiliating loss to Kaneki Ken could have served as proper motivator to do so. 

The Return of Urie 400%

Urie 400% has always been foreshadowing for Urie’s inevitable transformation into a kakuja. If the fact that it already happened is not enough proof to convince, I’ve already written a meta on it here [x].

As I’ve highlighted though, this return of the Urie 400% is even more monstrous than the previous one. It has features such as giant protrusions from the shoulders, and multiple eyes. The first has been shown to be a trait of Urie’s framing out, while the second is a trait of many Kakuja’s before Urie, Eto, Tatara, and Kurona to name examples. 

Thematically it makes sense for Urie to frame out again too, as previously he was saved from facing any real narrative consequence for his own actions by Saiko. In other words he was “saved from the web.” However despite literally endangering the mission and attacking his own comrades something that was eluded to be punishable by death if a Quinx were to lose control of themselves, Urie was promoted. 

A promotion that he did not in any way earn considering that he literally broke the one biggest rule of the Quinx. Not only that but there is a great deal of fallout one would presume from Urie smashing his frames entirely and becoming a full ghoul, something that the audience has not witnessed. There is no mention of what Urie is now eating, or if he’s being treated the same way Sasaki was, or if he’s truly become a full ghoul despite all hints that he indeed has. Urie has not even begun to sympathize ghouls, only being moved to action because of his feelings towards humans, Yoriko and Bujin in particular. The obvious conclusion then is that Urie’s character arc is not done yet but rather Saiko served as to Urie, what every character has been doing to ignore the consequences of their action in this arc. That is to deeply engage with personal relationships instead of looking at one’s self. 

The consequence for this might be Urie being set up as what he hates the most.

Urie being placed in a life or death situation with no Quincke against Furuta and two of the strongest ghouls in the series may force him to frame out and if he has truly been eating ghoul meat instead of human meat in order to sustain himself now that human food is impossible to eat, he might even develop a full Kakuja. In that case Furuta would have all the evidence he needs to frame the murders of Kuroiwa and others on Urie himself, and place him on the execution block. After all, Furuta put a special focus on witnesses when he made his move against them. Furuta’s word in that situation would count far more than Urie’s.

The suggestion in the omake that Shinsanpei himself might also be capable of framing out the way that Urie did is also a deadly suggestion for the future of the Q’s. After all when Furuta makes mention of his dragon, what shows up is a picture of each of the three first generation Q’s still alive.

The Q’s project was also originally credited as Tsuneyoshi’s idea. Perhaps Furuta might even use Urie’s framing out as a power play to gain control of the remaining first and second generation Q’s in order to form his dragon, or even worse he might expunge them from the CCG entirely and declare them a threat to safety which would cash in Saiko’s own foreshadowing laden words “I’ll become a terrorist” in a way she never would have wanted to come to fruition.

Hanbee’s Death and Suzuya’s Changing Sides

Nakarai misunderstands in the omake and says that he would probably kill Hanbee if the fighting were to end. This joke is a part of a long running series of gags where Hanbee is injured by a member of Suzuya squad, or a member makes a light reference to hurting him. In fact Hanbee has been shown stabbed in the head too many times in the omake to make it a mere coincidence.

This also makes sense as a narrative consequence to Suzuya. He said himself that he might just become a ghoul were the conflict to end, he’s already thinking of switching sides. The thing that currently keeps him in place is the fleeting hope that Shinohara come back, and the idea that he has to act in Shinohara’s memory.

The same way that Urie has not learned to see Ghouls as people, Suzuya has not learned to sustain loss in any kind of way. All he can do is hope for the increasingly impossible return of Shinohara, the first human connection he has. Even when surrounded by four people literally devoted to his existence, Suzuya cannot stop his pining for Shinohara because he cannot feel and move on from that loss. 

The Suzuya Squad also, act as a sort of buffer that prevents Juuzou from really facing consequence. They protected him during the Kurona fight even though Kurona was a case of reaping what he sewed by killing her sister all those years ago and having yet to show any remorse. When Uta played withhis feelings for Shinohara, it was Abara still who snapped Juuzou out of it immediately rather than Juuzou facing those feelings and snapping himself out.

If the bubble were to be removed than Juuzou would grow, and grow he must if he’s a character that exists within a narrative. 

Child’s Play

This entire omake seems to be hinting at the fact that 24 year old Furuta, 23 year old Kaneki are about the same general maturity level of thirteen year old Ayato when he first said that quote.

It’s a further hint that both kings are really just children playing a game. Something that was also hinted at in the previous omake too when Kaneki turned crucial information into a game of 20 questions.

Kaneki also refers to himself as a child when conversing with Furuta in the past, Furuta calls him his baby faced boss when facing off in the cochlea with Rotten follow, and Kaneki’s shadow image of himself, the incnarnation of his memories when he was still Haise was that of a child. Furuta at the same time was born at a leap day, and refers to himself as being only six years old in his birthday poem. 

A Dummy, That’s what I am

Finally, I think it’s important here that the omake shows Yoriko’s general obliviousness towards ghouls.

She refers to them as “those monsters”. This is the same character whose best friend is a ghoul and who is currently being executed in her name. The fact that she thinks of him falling off a building is a twofold reference, one that Kuroiwa literally was pushed off of a building and survived when Eto landed as the one eyed owl. Revenge probably for what Kuroiwa himself did to her when he was only fourteen, as Eto references falling in her flashback. The second is her musing that a ghoul might not be able to survive a fall from that height is a reference again to both Eto and Kanae who did fall off a particularly large building, though one survived and one did not. 

It’s probably not anything particularly meaningful but it’s an interesting case of parallelism at least. Iwao also says something that is important towards his and Bujin’s characterization. 

“We’re both quite simple people” both Bujin and Kuroiwa are shown to be to the book to the point of it being a flaw. Their own actions against ghouls may een be for reasons as simple as Yoriko’s, that they simply are oblivious to the fact that they might feel human emotions. The same way Yoriko  describes them offhandedly as “those monsters” as if she barely knows about them, even though she spent a good portion of her life with one.

It speaks again of the privilege that humans have to be above this sort of conflict. Iwao and Bujin to this point have never needed to relate to ghouls, or treat the CCG as anything other than a 9 to 5 job they participated in. The same for Yoriko who married a ghoul investigator while knowing nothing about ghouls and inadvertantly led him to her best friend a ghoul herself. Yoriko’s fatal flaw in this case is her own obliviousness. Perhaps she did not deserve to be executed by that fact or exploited the way Furuta did, but Yoriko herself even scolds herself for not noticing. 

For buying into the simple illusion that Touka was perfectly happy eating her food, the easy lie that they were happy all along in their simple friendship. Had Yoriko bothered to notice, Touka would not have been all alone in her pain.