#like in my life in a meaningful way I mean. I have classmates who are fluent and speak spanish to each other. but like. i'm not

[bookwyrminspiration]

Hello, Quill! I have come back in a personal way to say hello and to try and catch up a bit.

How are you? I know you took a 3 hour test in Spanish. What was it for? Did you do well?

I hope that you know that I also enjoy Sotam, and that I believe there is a criminal lack of content for them. In fact, I might write a fanfic myself about them.

In other news, I have made a fun comparison between my gender and a platypus. It’s not a dragon, but I think it is funny.

Hope you are doing well, ⚙️

Hello to you, too! I promise I'm not ignoring your other asks, all my asks got but on the back burner while I did irl things. but I hope you're doing well, too!

I am. existing. I've just got multiple atypical things this week that all happened to be really close together, and I'll get through it but it's certainly going to be something. One of those things was that 3 hour Spanish test yesterday (it was apparently only supposed to be 2 hours max, but I had some tech issues and also am not fluent and also haven't taken a spanish class in over a year so. I was a little slow). It was a biliteracy test, to see if my language proficiency is enough to give me a bilingual seal on my diploma. No clue what the scoring is or how I did, so I guess we'll find out at some unspecified point in the future!

But you're right, there is a criminal lack of all forms of sotam--I may be biased because Tam is my favorite character, but he and Sophie together are such a fun dynamic! In any regard! I love writing them and hope to do more at some point (though I promise i haven't forgotten all the dialogue prompts!). If you write a fanfic about them, I'd love to read it! Though if you posted it and let me know that could mess up your anonymity...hmm. Well that comes first, but just know I would read it if I could if it existed :)

Congrats on the platypus gender! that's certainly an unusual descriptor, which of course means I adore it. love oddities and nonconformities and contradictions and otherwise nonsensical things like that, and playtpus compared gender I think fits in with all those. it's always interesting trying to explain gender and how it applies to you (if it does), so I'm glad you're got a fun one you like!

Wishing you a peaceful morning/night/whatever time it is for you :)

[fushiglow]

Hi! I'm such a huge fan of your fics; you write Satoru and Suguru really beautifully, as individuals and as a unit.

I absolutely devoured JJK (anime and manga) in the span of like three weeks a couple of months ago. I've been completely obsessed ever since. I really love your meta - I totally agree with you about Gojo really caring about people, and your analysis of 236. (I also really loved 236, even though I was devastated by it. Like, sobbing while lying facedown on the floor for a full 45 minutes level of devastated lol.) I really struggled with Nanami's airport comments on Gojo, and I liked how you interpreted those comments and the airport scene overall.

In my stages of grief of processing Gojo's death - probably around the bargaining stage - I kept thinking about whether he would've lived if Geto hadn't defected from JuJutsu society. Obviously it would've been a totally different narrative, but it's still something I can't let go of. I'd be super interested to know your thoughts on that - whether there would've been a different outcome of the Shinjuku showdown if Geto had been there. (I mean, I know canonically Gojo would've fully been satisfied in his life and ending if Geto had been there, but would he have won?)

(I also understand the narrative decision to kill Gojo and think it actually makes a lot of sense, doesn't mean I can't still go through the stages of grief lol.)

Sorry for the novel of an ask - love your writing and meta!

Oh my gosh, thank you so much and don't ever apologise for sending such a lovely ask! This made my day — and super nice to see your name in my inbox again too ♥️

Really glad you enjoyed the analysis of 236 too; that chapter is incredibly dear to me. God, I could literally write an essay on 236 alone. I think it's genius on multiple levels. It really inspired me as a writer, too. That meta level commentary that spans characters and readers is something I've consciously tried to emulate as a result of that chapter!

So, I have definitely given this some thought before and it's my firm belief that Gojō would have defeated Sukuna if Getō were at his side (I think you can argue he "won" the ideological fight. It was a fight of many against one, and the many couldn't have won without Gojō!).

I don't necessarily mean physically at his side fighting alongside him, because I think as soon as Gojō had his "enlightenment" moment, he did become someone who fights best alone. However, I've already shared some thoughts about how "the strongest" was perhaps never actually about raw physical strength for Gojō but about state of mind. He felt stronger with Getō at his side, and that's the only reason I feel this certain about my answer.

Of course, all "what if?" scenarios are pointless to pursue beyond being an intriguing thought exercise. Everything would have been different if Getō was still around, but I love cataloguing each and every one of them. Whether Gojō would be a less experienced fighter in any meaningful way, whether the students could have reached the heights that they did without that specific version of Gojō teaching them — and yes, whether "The Strongest Duo" fighting side by side would actually have made defeating Sukuna (even with the Ten Shadows) look like a piece of cake.

So, my answer is mostly narrative informed. I think throughout the entirety of JJK, Gege was trying to hammer home the idea of strength in numbers by contrasting Gojō Satoru's (and Sukuna's) solitude with that of his students — thanks to his efforts to protect their youth and ensure they didn't suffer the same fate he and his classmates did.

I hope that answers your question, and thank you for asking! It's been a long time since I've received any JJK based asks like this and it's always such a treat to me. God, I love this series so much...

[ladyloveandjustice]

Someone's been in the Revolutionary Girl Utena rabbit hole for a bit 👀

I don't even know what it's about, I just see it and get happy

Mind telling me a bit on what it's about? I might watch it myself if it sounds like my thing, bc you seem to have great taste in anime and games

I do have good taste thank you! *flips hair* lol just kidding,

Revolutionary Girl Utena is a surreal and wild queer feminist deconstruction of fairy tale romance and shoujo tropes and it has a lot to say about systems of power, cycles of abuse, the ways people cling to an ideal of innocent childhood which may have never existed anyway, the concept of purity, fear of change and loss, and whether becoming an adult inevitably means being corrupted in some way. Lots and lots of gender, lots of queer characters struggling with compulsory heterosexuality... but over all, it's a deeply meaningful story about the human condition and growing up in an imperfect world.

But also people turn into cows sometimes, there are elephants of surfboards at one point, and one character has a very emotive pet monkey in a tie. at least we think it's a monkey. It can be very silly, is what I'm saying.

The basic plot is that a girl named Utena lost her parents at a very age, but a prince came and comforted her, giving her a ring and telling her to never lose her strength and nobility. Rather than taking that as an engagement offer and aiming to be his princess though, Utena actually admires him so much that she decides to become a prince who saves girls in trouble too. She's determined to find the prince who changed her life though, and her search leads her to a very fancy and phallic looking Ohtori Academy.

Then, when this shitty popular guy makes her friend cry, Utena challenges a guy to a duel to make him pay (as you do). ONLY to find out that the student council of her school are all secretly dueling each other to be engaged to "the Rose Bride", a girl who is supposed to give whoever's engaged to her the power to revolutionize the world. As part of the student council, the shitty popular guy assumes Utena wants to "win" the Rose Bride too.

So next thing Utena knows, she's been dragged into a duel to "win" the "Rose Bride" (who is actually just Utena's classmate, Anthy). Utena thinks that fighting to possess a girl like she's an object is pretty screwed up, but on the other hand, she IS devoted to saving girls, and that shitty popular guy IS treating Anthy pretty badly....

Could be that she'll end up engaged to Anthy, whether she likes it or not....

It covers a lot of dark topics, from misogyny to abuse (sexual abuse included) to child predators to incest (never framed as healthy or okay though, in one case it initially comes off as a joke thing for a character, like the typical anime comedic brother/sister complex, but throughout this characters arc it becomes clear that no, it's really not, and it is not good for the character in question). It's not a graphic show by any means, it handles its subject matter tastefully imo, and the way it explores these things is very effective. It takes a while to build up to where it's going, but the journey is worth it.

If you're interested at all in queer anime or like...queer western cartoons even because odd are they'll have a Utena reference-- it's a must see because it was massively influential. It was made more than 20 years ago and really holds up still.

I also did a review series about it here a while back that people found handy!

[not-the-living-ghost]

Favorite episode from dbd?

My favorite episode is probably Episode 7. It's just such an emotional rollercoaster, from start to finish. There's the staircase scene, the Simon scene, the flashback to when Charles first met Edwin, and so, so much more.

The acting in this episode absolutely blew me away — specifically George Rexstrew's performance as Edwin — and the scriptwriting was absolutely phenomenal.

The cinematography was breathtaking and incredibly clever. I loved the way that they shot the different scenes in Hell, angling and twisting the camera to evoke whatever emotion was intended. There were so many different nuances and details that were added into this one episode — so much so that I'd probably have to make a post about about each one separately.

One scene in this episode that I think is thoroughly underappreciated is the scene with Simon and Edwin. This scene meant so much to me, as a queer person, especially as someone who's gone through a crap ton of internalized homophobia (although I can't say I've sacrificed any of my classmates to a demon over it). Seeing something like that portrayed in media in a way that was so real and raw was insanely meaningful to me.

I feel like this small subplot of the show perfectly represents how the show blends fantasy and reality. Dead Boy Detectives is a supernatural show with supernatural characters. The main characters are ghosts, their friend is a psychic, and they're constantly under the threat of an evil witch. However, the show tackles so many real life issues (issues such as homophobia, racism, and domestic violence), and they do it with a level of grace that perfectly balances fiction and reality. The Simon scene perfectly demonstrates this.

I also appreciated the way that the showriters went about dealing with Simon's internalized homophobia. Generally speaking, when people suggest that homophobes themselves are likely queer, they mean it as a joke, or an insult. "You're homophobic, so you must be gay," and they'll simply laugh at the disgusted reaction — which is, in it of itself, simply another provocation of homophobia. Dead Boy Detectives, however, went at this from a different angle. Because yes, homophobes themselves can be queer — internalized homophobia does not discriminate, ironically enough — but Dead Boy Detectives took this narrative and flipped it on its head. They took the common trope of the homophobe being secretly in the closet, and further delved into what that truly meant for everyone involved. They explored the destructive reality of internalized homophobia for someone like Simon without, at the same time, undermining the struggle and torment that Edwin was put through. And the fact that they did all of this in the span of just 10 minutes is absolutely mindboggling to me.

Episode 7 had a little bit of everything, and I loved it so so much <33

This post ended up being three paragraphs longer than I expected, and I went off on a bit of a tangent there, but this was fun to write 😭😭

[daily-hanamura]

Do you ever think about how Chie (and Yukiko iirc?) have both previously called Yosuke a disappointment, meaning they were, albeit in part, one of the reasons for his low self esteem

Obviously they didn't do it on purpose, since Yosuke always tries to act like those words don't phase him, always acting like he's very confident

But I wonder, if he were to ever open up to them and start showing his more sensitive side in general, how would the girls react? Like would they feel a bit guilty or something?

Many thoughts... many very, very disorganized thoughts......

Oooooh yeah I do indeed think about this, and apart from Chie and Yukiko, Teddie has also described Yosuke as a "prince of disappointment"/"everyone's favourite disappointment"

Yosuke, of course, also being the one that calls himself a disappointment the most.

So this is just my perspective based on my life experience, but I think that to some extent, it very much reflects the kind of humour that was very pervasive around that time. As a millennial it's pretty typical for friends to rib into each other as banter (see also Yosuke to Kanji) and to employ self-deprecation as a joke, and it's kind of a mark of friendship -- you really only do that to people that you're very close friends with, because it's about in-group jokes (e.g. Chie can call Yosuke a disappointment, but that random classmate can't) and a reflection of just how well you know a person.

It's kind of complicated to talk about because I'm not saying that it was necessarily good, since it can be quite insensitive if you're not conscious of someone's personal issues. And some people definitely don't enjoy that sort of humour, because it's also highly, highly contextual and easy to misread. Some bullies also use that as a justification for why they're saying mean things, which is especially unpleasant in the workplace LOL. I feel like as I've gotten older this has become less common? Or maybe I'm just not as comfortable with the friends I've made in adulthood to want to readily rip into them? But then again I have maybe three friends I'm willing to banter like this with and we've been close friends for about a decade, which I think kind of drives home the point I'm making about how this is the kind of joke you only make with people that you've been through a lot with, which the IT are. I think it's humour that's meaningful in the narrative context because it's a signpost that indicates their shared experience in the TV world was no trivial thing, just like how Yosuke calling Yu "aibou" reflects the same sentiment.

But, as you said, because of how Yosuke puts on an act of confidence, I don't think most people pick up on it other than Yu, because Chie, Yukiko and Teddie probably just think it's part of the bit that Yosuke is doing (Yosuke also refuses to show his weaknesses to anyone other than Yu, but that's probably another conversation). One of the weaker spots of P4/G (and P5), I feel, is that it isn't as revealing about the interpersonal relationships between characters outside of the protag character. Which I don't really expect, but it was really nice to see in P3. So all we have to go on is the spin offs, and I think if we compare Chie and Yukiko's distanced friendliness with Yosuke in the Magician manga vs their expression of reliance and dependence on Yosuke in P4AU, for example, we can see that developed dynamic.

Would they feel guilty? Probably, but they're also teenagers who are still figuring out interpersonal interactions and personal boundaries (and this goes for Yosuke as well), and I think this friction is sometimes just part and parcel of growing up. I do think that if Chie and Yukiko realise that Yosuke does have a sore spot about it they'd change the way they speak with him because they genuinely care about him, especially as they mature into adulthood.

Going a little off tangent now and this is just my headcanon, but I also wonder if Yosuke initiated that sort of humour with Chie and Yukiko shortly after their rescue to help them relax. Yosuke likes to use humour to diffuse tension (which doesn't always work) but it's not hard to imagine him sensing awkwardness from the two of them (they really weren't close friends at all prior to the TV world), so he makes himself the butt of a joke to get them to laugh, and when they latch on to it he's actually kind of happy because it means he's done something useful. (ngl ever since I saw Tamami's clown motif stage in p4d I have not stopped thinking about her parallels with Yosuke)

[kumabeom]

anti romantic

chapter 4 : i’m drunk in you

synopsis : anti romantic, college student choi yeonjun who thinks he’s seen everything in a relationship, promising himself that he won’t go through another relationship ever again to prevent himself from going through another heartbreak. that was until he sees yn, a classmate, chasing his heart. will his walls be enough to scare yn away, or will they continue chasing yeonjun with all they have ?

yeonjun was a lovely instructor, his body fluidly moved as he ignored the constant ringing coming from his phone a mix of yoojung’s very non-meaningful apologies and his friends wondering about his well-being. not only that, but he couldn’t forget about you. you weren’t necessarily special in his mind but in a way you were.. how could you be so confident that you could claim his heart ? he didn’t mean to come off as rude, although he really was not looking for anything serious. not only that, but if you didn’t like him then why were you so willing to show him the “reality” of dating. he didn’t really understand the point you were trying to prove either, if you’re just courting him then how are you going to prove that people can stay loyal ?

he was dressed quite handsomely, he couldn’t help but notice that he could pull off anything. today he decided to throw on a simply gray shirt with a bit of a washed effect, matching sweatpants. he always read that baggier clothing allows a dancer to look more fluid and precise with their movements, since then he always used certain clothing to his dance practices.

he looked into the mirror in front of him, staring as the kids who were following his every step. noticing a twelve-year old struggling to keep up. “yunnie, don’t focus on the pace of it yet, focus on getting every move down before trying to go at a faster pace-“ he spoke delicately, he was dealing with kids and teens, he needed to be patient. after a few years of dancing at the studio and teaching, he knew how to be patient and what to do in case of insecurities running through a child’s mind.

“mr. choi, there’s someone at the door.” another kid called. yeonjun kept the music on, stopping his movements watching as the previously mentioned “yunnie” was attempting to get his dance moves put together. he checked the door’s peephole, seeing the person that he had expected, you. he opened the door, slowly, blocking the entrance way, leaning his arm against the door frame. he couldn’t help but notice the plastic bags in your hands that read “thank you for shopping” in multiple lines.

“oh- i didn’t want to interrupt but i just wanted to drop these off. there are some cookies, brownies, fruit tarts and some drinks in here. here ya’ go.” you handed the bags to yeonjun, who instantly grabbed the bags, looking back to see yunnie staring at the door, silently asking him to come pick up the bags, which he did.

“you’re not going to stay ?” yeonjun questioned, eyebrow raised as he made direct eye contact with you, which not going to lie, caused a bit of a dry throat and a few butterflies in your tummy.

“like i said.. i would, but i don’t want to interrupt your dance practice. it also seems like you’re blocking me from entering, so i’ll just be on my way.”

“don’t be like that, i’m not blocking you from entering…” he hesitates to give an explanation, “it’s just that these kids haven’t met anyone from my personal life since yoojung.”

“well that’s fine if you want to keep me as a secret-“

“no, it’s not like that either.. why do you rephrase my words with a negative connotation.”

“it’s not that i’m making them in a negative connotation, yeonjun, you’re just saying things in a non-straight forward way and i’m just saying the same thing that you are, i’m just deleting a few unnecessary things.”

he looked at you, the black top that was semi-hidden underneath a plaid flannel, along with matching black sweatpants. hair in a ponytail with a few hairs sticking out due to the wind blowing a few strands out. he felt a sense of guilt as he thought more of what you said.

“come in..but you’re just a friend, you’re not someone who’s courting me, at least not in here..”

he moved out of the way, keeping the door open for you until you were inside the room, closing the door after you. “mmm… sure.”

the kids immediately realized that the person wasn’t someone that they had been introduced to. they were familiar with yeonjun’s friend group at least, huening kai, beomgyu and taehyun. in fact they had even tried teaching the kids themselves which in huening’s case did not go the way he intended to, as they easily got distracted and started playing along.

yeonjun grabbed the bags from yunnie, taking a seat on the floor. opening the plastic boxes filled with sweet treats to share around. “okay, let’s all make a line and one by one i’ll give you a treat, and if there’s more leftover then you can come back up and grab another.”

“oh- yeonjun, i kinda forgot to get napkins or plates on my way..”

“it’s fine, we can clean up afterwards.” yeonjun handed out the treats, asking each of his students what they preferred to eat. over half of the box was still full with treats, causing yeonjun to question how many treats you had brought.

“where did you get these ?”

“my friend is a baking major, he made a few of those yesterday and i asked for some, a few of those are store bought, i just put them in the same box though. i wasn’t sure how many people there were so i just got as many as i could..”

“what would you like ?”

“i’m fine, i won’t take any, they should have as many as they want..”

“yn, there’s eleven of us and 26 more treats.” he looked up at you, his eyebrow slightly raised. he expected you to be quite different from the way you were acting. was huening really telling him the truth when he told him that you were ‘caring’, it didn’t really match up with how you had previously acted. well at least not to him. had he really understood, then he would’ve known that all of the actions that you had done towards for him were all caring. even if you did like him, you didn’t have to prove anything to him. that day that he came into class a day after finding out he got cheated on, you didn’t have to distract him. sure, you did gain something from it, but that didn’t mean that you had to do it.

“just a fruit tart then..” you said, hesitantly reaching over towards yeonjun as he passed you a tart, that went straight into your mouth, a sweet taste overcoming your mouth, the slight bitterness from the fruit itself being overwhelmed by the sweeter custard inside, but not too sweet as the crust allowed the treat to not be to sweet. you could always count on soobin to make a magnificent dessert. you took a seat next to him, watching as the kids relaxed and took a break, taking their time to eat and drink the food that they were gifted. yeonjun took a cookie, slowly bringing it into his mouth.

“y’know when you said that you were doing dance practice, i thought you were the one being taught, not the one teaching.” you spoke up, holding your legs in your arms. watching as the kids played around after eating, a few of them making their way back up to yeonjun, as he allowed them to grab what they wanted.

“mmm i guess i did make it seem that way, didn’t i ?” you nodded, “oh stay still-“ his hand came up towards your lips, his thumb coming up to wipe a few crumbs off of your face. it was undeniable that you were getting a blush ride up your face. the sudden touch caused such chaos inside your mind. it was obvious to yeonjun as well, who wouldn’t be able to decode your current feelings.

“oh- thank.. you-“ hiding your face from yeonjun, facing the other way and wiping around your lips with your own thumb, ensuring that there was nothing else there.

“ah, don’t get so shy, yn. i was so impressed by you and your confidence.” he spoke, taking a sip of water after letting his thoughts out.

“confidence ?”

“mhmm, not going to lie, yn, if i hadn’t gone through a ton in my past relationship.. then you would’ve definitely had me wrapped around your finger.”

©️kumabeom

taglist : @soobadooba @beoms-sugar @yxnjvnnie @myahfig4 @sato-chan-2709 @grayscorner @run2seob @lol6sposts @destairea @forever-in-the-sky2 @cutesince2000

[theloganator101]

A scene that I believe showcases how Horikoshi is quick to sacrifice meaningful character moments for a cheap laugh is the faux interview with Mt. Lady.

By itself, the purpose for this scene I think could have been done more effectively instead of just pretending to be in front of a camera (and it feels annoying as hell when all it’s doing is reminding the viewers AGAIN who these characters are, in case you somehow forgot), but whatever. And we also get more material of Bakugou being insufferable (and Todoroki acting like a cardboard box by simply accepting Bakugou’s insults.)

And then we get to Izuku.

We get an inner monologue from him about finally showing his progress on his handling of Blackwhip. And even though it’s a tiny tendril, Izuku is clearly pleased with where he’s at, because now he can go up from here!

And does the scene push the idea that we are supposed to be proud of Midoriya on his hard work?

(Materializes through the screen and slaps your face) OF COURSE NOT YOU FUCKING FOOL!

Every single individual looks completely underwhelmed at what they just saw. Like they were expecting more. Like Midoriya was supposed to suddenly whip that exact giant ass black mass THAT NEARLY HURT/KILL HIS CLASSMATES and have it completely under control.

I can imagine a few of them feeling this way, but every single one of them? Horikoshi is just doing this to make Midoriya look bad. I absolutely refuse to believe there’s not a single character who would react differently (their ACTUAL characterization) to that.

Todoroki, who understands the struggle of balancing two quirks, and would probably feel compelled to help Midoriya out? Apparently not.

Uraraka, who was quick to praise Midoriya in anything in the past such as the quirk assessment test, and can plainly see how much pride he has getting a hold of a new dangerous quirk? And Iida, Midoriya’s other best friend? Does he clap his hands in the air like a seal and says, “Bravo!” to Izuku’s progress? Nope, they’re not allowed to feel that.

Tokoyami, who has another dark-based quirk and could relate to Midoriya’s struggle? Does he give a simple phrase of encouragement, or even think to himself, “Slowly, a new Brother of the Shadows will come to be.”? Why the hell would he possibly think that?

Does anyone else, such as Yaoyorozu, Shoji, Ojiro, or hell, even Hagakure, comment on that while not powerful, Midoriya’s ability on handling essentially two quirks is very impressive? Of course not. Instead of being funny, this scene comes off that no one actually supports Midoriya and it made me sad for him and how it assassinates pretty much most of Class 1-A’s characteristics, instead of allowing them to act naturally.

And the cherry on top? The one with the closing statement that is supposed to sum up what we the audience are supposed to feel? “Don’t be proud of something so weak.” By the one trick pony that has had his ONLY quirk for so long that he doesn’t appreciate LEGITIMATE progress. Fuckin little shitbird.

(Sighs tiredly) Hang on, gonna go watch the scene...

(One scene watch later)

... I want to kill, EVERYONE there for not supporting the kid for getting control over a quirk that caused so much damage!

Why aren't his friends cheering him on?

Why wasn't any of the adults proud of him?

Why is Izuku always the butt of these mean spirited jokes?

Why can't my son just be praised and feel proud for himself for once in his goddamn life?

[steveharrington]

Steve is fundamentally a fan-service character. That is why he is given no depth, and that the majority of his situation is portrayed from a comedic relief angle, meme-able moments, and stuff like ''being a babysitter''. Is it enjoyable enough? I mean, sure, Steve fills that fanservice character role and people enjoy him being charming and funny, so the show portrays him that way. But he does not provide anything else other than that in the story. And just because he is given screentime does not make him an important part of the show either. He is a lovable, cool, and charming character that captured fans' hearts, and he receives screen time and fan service moments based on that. But I just do not get why people expect the writers to give Steve an actual storyline or real connection to the supernatural plot when his character was never meant to be given one, and his character is largely portrayed as a comedic relief or a fanservice funny character.

im going to challenge this because i think it's a bad writing practice to partition one character off as the designated Fan Service Character and think that absolves you, the writer, of giving them depth or realism. when we're thinking about characters...idk my personal belief is that they should feel like real people. saying "oh well that's just the comedic relief so we don't have to acknowledge that it's the fourth year in a row of him coming face to face with supernatural horrors in a way that either physically or mentally alters him" is just a cop-out and an excuse for lazy writing imo. and steve isn't some random side character who barely gets screen time either, like he isn't angela or tommy or mr. clarke, he's Heavily featured every season. he had the 2nd most lines in season two. idk i think if i, the viewer, am gonna be spending that much time watching a character, i'd like for them to have some semblance of a relevant plot or connection to the main storyline.

people expect steve to get a storyline or a connection to the supernatural plot because it's straight up bizarre for him to be in the middle of an enormous catastrophic supernatural event that always effects him personally, and yet somehow the show never acknowledges it. in season one a classmate dies in his pool and he discovers monsters exist, then fights one in close proximity. in season two another one of his classmates almost murders him. in season three he's tied up and tortured and drugged. in season four he's eaten alive by monsters. again if the duffers want their characters to feel like real people who exist within this story, at least one of those things should be important to steve's story! they should be acknowledged!

also i would argue that steve wasn't created To Be Fanservice. i won't argue that he's become a fanservice-centric character, but that wasn't like his only purpose in the story throughout the series. i think people have a recency bias when they look at steve's storyline, but he really didn't become such a heavily comedic character until season three. in season one he's a villain, like he serves to antagonize jonathan and represent this normalcy and stability in nancy's life that she rapidly moves away from as she searches for barb. and in season two, steve has a beautiful and like genuinely meaningful storyline. he starts off the season envisioning his future with nancy, he gets his heart broken, he gets roped into investigating supernatural happenings with this random kid who he could easily just ditch or dump on someone else but he stays, gives the kid advice based off his current emotional state, then continues to protect the others from the demodogs and billy and it gives him this obvious fulfillment and increased emotional maturity that allows him to finally let go of the relationship and future he was picturing. it was amazing and steve felt real and people loved it not because like "haha funny babysitter" but because it was very genuinely sweet to watch a disillusioned teenage boy form a bond with this dorky kid that benefitted both of them emotionally. it wasnt until seasons 3 & 4 that steve's potential storylines became sidelined for the sake of throwaway funny moments or like.... unrealistic healing abilities

idk i just think people connect with steve based off what we saw in seasons 1 & 2 and they're interested in his full potential if the writers would just utilize it. but because the duffers can't seem to balance an ensemble cast and because steve is easy to market he has become (game show audience voices) abandoned! by! the! narrative! but it doesn't have to be this way and it shouldn't, if stranger things wants to be recognized as a well written show with good character work

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Dear mbti-notes, Thank you for your blog 💜 I hope you enjoyed your holidays. I'm infp, 16 years old and female, who has low-self esteem and feels dissatisfied with life.

My main problem is that I've been skipping school for multiple days because I stay up late, worried if I'm missing out on social media or how I'm going to mask myself the next day. I'm constantly chasing after the satisfaction of completing personal projects online. The 'high' of it and validation from social media is what attaches me to it. Only sharing art I'm proud of. Only sharing idealized surface level tidbits about myself to my classmates. I'm basically pretending to be someone I'm not both online and offline, and so I dig myself into a hole of preventing myself from relaxing or experimenting with my self-expression. I want to grow and learn to be myself, but I'm afraid of feeling exposed.

I crave meaning in my life instead of chasing after something out of my control. I want to finally feel at ease and sleep for my own health. Maybe there's a healthier way to share my artwork and collaborate with other artists? What guidance or advice would you have? I'd like to learn from your wisdom. Best regards, Anon.

-------------------

Wasting mental resources on social media has become a rather widespread problem, so you're not alone. Sharing of yourself in a public forum often means you're socializing in a chaotic and indiscriminate manner, which unfortunately sets you up to live at the mercy of external stimuli. Your social behaviors become more and more automatic as you keep reinforcing the same validating reward patterns over time. Eventually, your attention, energy, time, self-esteem, and self-worth slip out of your hands. It's hard to feel good about yourself once you've crossed the line from enjoyment into powerlessness.

I use terms like "stimuli", "reinforce", and "automatic" for a reason; they come from a particular branch of psychology called behaviorism. Many people still don't know that tech companies spend money on behavioral science, even recruiting psychologists to their projects. Behavioralists approach human behavior as "programmable", in the same vein that Pavlov trained his dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell. Social media companies invented "bells" to make you feel good (engaged), to make you feel bad (reactive), and to keep you running back to them regularly for instant gratification (addicted).

The difference between Pavlov's dog and you is that the dog begins and ends under the control of its owner and thus has no choice but to learn the automatic behavior, whereas you gave up your free will to become an automaton. When your mind has been reduced to such a primitive state of chasing base desires on an endless loop, your intellectual faculties wither from disuse, and your soul eventually feels starved of meaning. Worst case, one becomes a dull and empty shell of a human being.

"I crave meaning in my life instead of chasing after something out of my control." The word "crave" is significant. Humans need a sense of agency and autonomy. Humans need a sense of social belonging. Humans need intimate and loving relationships. Humans need to occupy themselves with meaningful activities. The issue is whether you know the right methods of fulfilling your needs.

Choosing the wrong methods is one major reason people feel that life lacks meaning. When important human needs go unfulfilled for too long, they morph into desperate and seemingly irrational "longings", "desires", and "cravings" that lead people to choose worse and worse methods in a vicious cycle. Just think of how poorly your rational mind works when you get too hungry; food becomes the only thing you can think about and you're liable to grab anything and put it in your mouth without any regard for its nutritional value. The same goes for psychological, social, and spiritual needs.

A need is legitimate, universal to all humans, and must be satisfied in order to live a healthy and fulfilling life. A want is a method of fulfilling a need, but wants are not always legitimate. A want is legitimate if it is a positive and constructive way of obtaining what you need. A want is illegitimate when it leads you to destruction or to harm yourself/others, which, in the end, actually prevents you from obtaining what you need. Skipping school and sabotaging your own future is a good example of destructive behavior. If a want is determined to be illegitimate, then you must find a better method, if you care about your well-being. People who confuse needs and wants often end up chasing the wrong things in life and/or feeling inexplicably unsatisfied whenever they get what they want.

Why have humans proven so easy to manipulate? Because:

many people lack the self-awareness to understand their own needs and wants, and

they were never taught the right methods of fulfilling them.

Companies wanting to profit off you will try to find the most effective way to trigger a sense of privation in you, to bring up an unmet need, and then manufacture a "desire" or "craving" for a product that supposedly meets that need. The more desperate your feeling of privation is, the faster you'll run and the more you'll pay (not just in money) for whatever they're selling.

Therefore, inoculating yourself against such manipulation involves:

improving your self-awareness so that you fully own your needs instead of ceding control of them to others, and

learning healthy methods to attend to your needs so that you aren't easily taken in by harmful quick-fixes or false remedies.

"Maybe there's a healthier way to share my artwork and collaborate with other artists?" This is the right question to ask. If you develop Ne properly, you'll understand that there's almost always a better way of doing things. You don't have to live life always reaching for the stars, but at the very least, you should know to be proactive and seek a better way when the current way is harming you.

Let's examine two needs at play in your situation:

1) The Need for a Healthy Social Life: Why do you think that, in the age of social media, society is grappling with an epidemic of loneliness? When people feel lonely, their desire for social connection grows louder and louder. Suffer loneliness for too long and people start to get desperate and settle for whatever social contact they can get. Social media makes it very easy to get social contact... but it's like eating leftover scraps when you could be feasting on wagyu.

In terms of personal growth, the easy way isn't usually the right way. Sure, subsisting on scraps helps ease the hunger to socialize, but it's no way to live in the long term. For life to feel meaningful and fulfilling, one cannot only survive, one must also flourish. To flourish includes living up to your potential and living your life with purpose.

While there's nothing inherently wrong with having online friends, people who only have online friends tend to report dissatisfaction with social life. The fact of the matter is that online friends should not be used as a substitute for real-life relationships. Online friends should only be used to complement an existing social support network or used as a convenient gateway into a new real-life friendship. Online friendships are simply missing too many key ingredients that are needed for meaningful relationship.

There are tried-and-true ways of: improving friendships, making new friends, and building a strong social support network. E.g. Spend more quality time with old friends but perhaps in new situations that allow you to get to know each other even better. Extend your network by getting to know friends of family or friends of friends. Take a class or join a group of people with similar interests. Get more involved in your local community or volunteer. Take more initiative to organize get-togethers, invite people out, or lead a group activity.

Socializing is a legitimate need, so you should allot time for it. However, time is a finite resource, which means use it wisely. Do you want to spend most of your time collecting scraps online, socializing with undiscerning people and getting less than satisfying results? Or do you want to socialize in a more purposeful way, setting the right goals, targeting the right people, and getting more satisfying results? The choice is yours.

2) The Need for Personal and/or Professional Development: You are using art as a way to develop your potential and perhaps develop a professional skill. Good learning is something that can only happen under the right conditions, so the issue is whether you have set up the right learning conditions for yourself. Is soliciting (at times ignorant) feedback from people who only care about you to the extent that you can entertain them the best way to learn and improve? As long as you feel like you're being rewarded for putting on a show, won't learning always take a back seat to ego?

Would you be better off embedding yourself in a group of art enthusiasts, devotees, and experts who have real-life knowledge and experience of the art world? Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, even the smallest towns have artsy people floating around, perhaps there are a few you don't yet know in your school. Forming close, real-life friendships with them would be more rewarding and also more likely to get you that safe and nurturing environment you need for freely exploring your talents, wouldn't it? It's just one idea. I'm sure you can come up with more ideas through assessing all the resources available to you.

Sixteen is usually the time when teens start really venturing out into the world to explore their options. You need to get out into the world and challenge yourself more in order to grow your self-esteem. Don't limit yourself by becoming overdependent on social media scraps for cheap validation.

**

Inferior Te means that Fi doms often don't place enough value on goal-oriented behavior, and as a result, their behavior is often inefficient and ineffective. It's fine to want to explore and enjoy some fun moments online, but exploration should eventually be leading you somewhere positive, good, real, and meaningful. And if you already have some idea of where you want to go, the key is to choose the right path for getting there, even if it's the harder path. It sounds like you have a problem of too often choosing the easier path.

If you're like other INFPs, you easily get swept up by your feelings and it causes you to perceive situations in a distorted way, unable to objectively weigh the pros and cons, which leads to miscalculating the consequences of your behavior. If your behavior keeps getting negative consequences, it's an important sign that you're not caring well for yourself - it's a call to change your behavior. Fi can't feel at ease as long as you're acting against your own well-being. It's good that you have some idea about what your needs are and you're trying to respond to them, the crucial step is to put more careful thought into choosing healthy methods.

[halosoliloquy]

Sometimes, I wonder if what I perceive is truly what it is or if it’s just my past experiences casting shadows over reality. Everything appears worse than it is, and it’s hard to shake off that feeling. I often expect the worst and at least that way, I’m prepared, even if it means I’ve put in unnecessary effort, bracing for something that might never happen.

After the storm, I stepped outside to assess the damage, half-expecting to see destruction where I might have stood. But nothing was there—no fallen tree limbs, no signs of disaster. It felt like a quiet affirmation from Mother Nature, a reminder that I’ve been given another chance. I believe in new beginnings, that each day offers a fresh start. Yet, it’s not about starting from scratch. It’s more like carrying forward the weight of all that’s happened, trying to forgive and move on. Every day feels heavier with the accumulation of experiences, but perhaps that’s what makes each one meaningful.

I often wish I had been born with some innate talent, something that set me apart, that made me feel special. When I was younger, my mother seemed to throw ideas at me from all directions—ice skating, child prodigies on TV—always searching for that spark in me. But did I ever believe I was gifted? No. How could I, when I was constantly compared to others, told I wasn’t special? My mother, over time, seemed to detach from her role as a mother, and instead, she became more like a prisoner in her own life.

I spent a lot of time alone, playing outside without siblings. It didn’t bother me, because that was all I knew. My father, too, was distant, always preoccupied with the burden of keeping the household afloat since my mother didn’t work. After school, I would try to talk to her, to share my day, but she dismissed my words as nonsense, meaningless chatter. Eventually, I stopped talking altogether. I started observing instead—watching my classmates, becoming more withdrawn.

I didn’t get to choose my friends; they were chosen for me in class when we were paired up for projects. I was always the last pick, usually paired with the kid no one else wanted to work with—the one who smelled bad or had a label like “mentally retarded” attached to them. It baffled me that this was my social standing, that this was where I fit in the hierarchy. It’s strange how those early experiences shaped the way I see myself, even now.

If there had been some sort of elimination process, I know I would have been one of the first to go. My social skills with other children deteriorated quickly, and I lost interest in school altogether. My grades started to slip, and my reading and comprehension suffered as a result. It wasn’t that I wanted to paint myself as a victim—I’m simply stating the facts of what my childhood was like. The reality is, I was alone. And that loneliness led me to spend a lot of time asking myself why. Why was it this way? Why did I feel so disconnected from everything around me? It became this persistent question that echoed in my mind, a question that, for a long time, I couldn’t find the answer to.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Looking for: not sure maybe just venting, a response if you want.

Idk if there’s tw

I want to know if anybody else has been through similar? I’ve been revictimized a lot in my life I choice to stop socializing and going to events just isolating now because I don’t wanna be abused again…

I had two abusive exes. And after the second one which was pretty bad too, I chose not to date again.

I’ve had some toxic friends but nothing too bad but they do talk a lot of shit about me and spread rumors.

Ive dealt with abusive parents which is probably what set me up for failure in other relationships.

Ive dealt with being bullied by friend groups and by classmates. A lot of people stayed away from me because they heard rumors and some people asked me weird questions like Ik they heard rumors about me.

I feel like it is never ending. And I’m just destined to be abused no matter who I meet it’ll always happen. I always feel like this’ll follow me from lifetime to lifetime and god is punishing me.

I honestly feel like I’m not traumatized or it should’ve been worse for me to complain. Idk if I have any disorders I’m not diagnosed and I can’t find a doctor because I don’t have money. I’m just depressed ig. Kind of numb most days.

It almost feels like im playing victim card or something but Ik what I’ve been through. Like it feels like everyone hates me and they must be right about me. I mean Ik everyone hates me. Nobody wants to go near me. There must be a reason im avoided, there must be a reason im hated, they must’ve seen something broken in me that I couldn’t see and they’re just doing their duty as people to cast me out or bully me. My parents were so happy to have a kid and the picture of them holding me as a baby they look so happy and so caring in those pictures. I must’ve fucked up at a young age and that’s why they didn’t want me anymore. It’s my fault and I know it. Idk what to do anymore. I’m sorry you don’t have to answer this.

Hi anon,

It's entirely up to whether or not you want to date. However it's worth considering that life is a risk and you deserve the possibility of being loved to a degree you've never experienced before. That also extends to social gatherings - human beings are social creatures and need interaction to survive and thrive. Your past experiences do not deserve to steal your ability to have joyful and meaningful connections and memories. There are ways to enjoy a social life and love life without fear of abuse.

It also sounds like you're dealing with "mythologization" which is a common experience among survivors of complex trauma. Mythologization is a term I use to describe the feeling that the abuse you've experienced is on a cosmic or spiritual level, like feeling as if your abuse was predestined by god. Especially when you've been revictimized and polyvictimized, it's even easier to feel this way.

Going drastic lengths to avoid abuse is traumatized behavior. It's also common for trauma survivors to victim-blame and gaslight themselves as you've outlined in your last two paragraphs. It's okay to acknowledge that you have trauma, but it's understandable to find difficulty in accepting this due to the consequences of being traumatized.

It's important to remember that trauma is not defined by what happened, but instead by how we are affected. This is because there are various factors that affect one's resilience - the ability to recover from an adverse experience. Everyone is dealt a unique set of cards which means that everyone had varying degrees of resilience. So what may be traumatic to you may not be traumatic to someone else, but that doesn't mean you aren't or shouldn't be traumatized. It makes sense given the hand you were dealt and that's okay. This also means that it makes little sense to compare your trauma to those you feel have it worse - because they have a completely different life, with a completely different set of cards.

A difficult part of healing is acknowledging the severity of your past while giving yourself permission to be happy and enjoy the present moment. You do not have to be miserable to be a valid trauma survivor. You deserve to be happy in spite of everything that has happened.

-Bun

[eliteprepsat]

1. BE RELIABLE

Many of the best teachers admire students who don’t necessarily follow the rules. But, it’s important to clarify that this only applies to being an intellectual rule-breaker and thinking outside of the box. What teachers don’t appreciate are students who deliberately disobey rules that are established for the sake of helping their classes run smoothly.

This may seem like it goes without saying. But one of the simplest ways to be a great student is just to be reliable. You can do this by always completing your work, arriving to class on time, and showing up every day prepared and ready to participate.

It’s not so much that students stand out for being reliable; it’s that students stand out for being unreliable—in other words, for all the wrong reasons. So, take the first best step toward securing a strong recommendation letter this way.

2. BE A TEAM PLAYER

Most of the best classrooms function like a sports team, where the teacher leads or guides (like a coach) and all of the students also have a role (like players). This stands in contrast to traditional (and largely outdated) classroom models where the teacher takes the only active role and the students are merely passive observers.

Good teachers relish students who are excellent team players—who listen actively, participate by making meaningful contributions to discussions, and generally exude a positive energy.

In my own experience, I’ve found that classes tend to function like the organic and often unpredictable flow of a basketball game. Some of the best moments in my classes have occurred when my game plan suddenly (and wonderfully) shifted because a student raised a compelling idea in discussion that we then pursued. I think of such students as my best teammates, giving me assists as I try to make a play.

But being a great team player in class doesn’t just involve your interactions with your teacher. It also involves how you interact with your other teammates, or classmates. Some of the strongest students I’ve worked with stand out in my memory not just because of how they treated their classmates, but also because of how their classmates responded to them.

Just as the best team players know when to lead and when not to hog the ball so as to let others on the team shine, so too do the best students know when to speak up and step in when their classmates need help, but also when not to dominate the conversation, actively listening instead so as to let their classmates also shine.

3. DEMONSTRATE CURIOSITY

Students often believe—incorrectly—that the best way to be a team player is simply to be the most “intelligent” student in the room. In reality, raw intelligence is typically not the attribute that good teachers appreciate most in their students. Instead, this attribute is curiosity.

What does it mean to “demonstrate curiosity” as a student? Generally speaking, it means having an open mind. If you encounter course material that is initially off-putting because it seems too difficult, for instance, don’t run the other way out of frustration. Instead, ask yourself: Why might this material be of interest? Why have people devoted their entire lives to its study? What could I learn from it?

With that said, another component of demonstrating curiosity is the ability (or at least the attempt) to draw connections between course material and your own interests or life. So, even if you are taking a class in a seemingly “foreign” subject (e.g. if you are in the sciences but taking a world literature course), again ask yourself what you might have to learn from this material. Perhaps you see parallels between the formal structures of storytelling and what you have been learning in one of your engineering classes. Bring this up in discussion! Not only will you find that the course is far more worth your time because it is applicable to something you care about, but your teachers will also appreciate your curiosity.

4. VISIT OFFICE HOURS

The best letters of recommendation are written by teachers who really know the student in question. Although there are exceptions to this rule, it’s typically not ideal, then, to request a letter from a teacher who you only studied with for a brief summer session, or who you never actually spoke to in person (say, from an online course).

In my own experience, the recommendation letters I write are better the more I know a student. So, if there is a teacher with whom you feel comfortable, don’t be afraid to open up to them a bit.

Why is this helpful for recommendation letters, exactly? If you are taking several AP courses while also juggling a heavy load of extracurriculars, a resume or transcript will show this at a glance. But if you are taking night classes while also raising a child or taking care of your ailing parents, for instance, the extent of your hard work will not likely appear anywhere on paper.

If you take the time to open up about the particulars of your life to a teacher, however, they can speak to your perseverance and grit in a meaningful recommendation letter to an admissions committee. That added understanding could very well mean the difference between a college acceptance or none.

You may or may not have opportunities to open up to your teachers during class. And you may or may not feel comfortable doing so. So, take advantage of your teachers’ office hours, when you can speak with them one-on-one and in person.

5. TURN IN AN IMPRESSIVE ASSIGNMENT

When writing recommendation letters, the best teachers will not write generally about the student in question. Rather, they will look for specifics to discuss. After all, specific examples are what help readers visualize and relate to what a writer is describing, ultimately becoming convinced of their claims.

In order to do this, teachers need to be supplied with specifics to write about you. So, if you’ve written an especially impressive paper, completed a particularly dynamic presentation, or organized a uniquely inspiring event, bring this to your teacher’s attention. It will give them something to focus portions of their recommendation letter around, and they can point to these specific examples as evidence of your mastery of a subject, your hard work, your passion, or any of your other exceptional traits.

Ultimately, your teacher’s reflections on these detailed examples will give admissions committees something to remember about you as a candidate, which is crucial considering how many applications colleges receive each year.

6. STAY IN TOUCH

Typically, students don’t require recommendation letters immediately upon completing a course. So, it can be difficult having to reach out to former teachers semesters—or even years—down the road. In this case, it can feel awkward asking them for the favor of writing a letter since you haven’t spoken in some time. You may wonder if they even remember you!

To avoid this, I suggest emailing your teachers not long after a course has ended just to say a friendly hello, to share that you enjoyed their class, and to ask if they might be open to writing you a recommendation letter in the future. Although you might not require the letter immediately, asking in advance in this way is a good idea for a few reasons. It demonstrates that you are taking initiative by being so forward thinking about your future success. It also helps to plant a seed in your teacher’s mind; they will be more likely to remember you when you reach out to officially request a letter one day.

Beyond this initial email, it is a good idea to simply stay in touch with your former teachers, especially if you believe you will request a recommendation letter from them eventually. Most teachers love to hear from their former students and get caught up on all of their wonderful achievements. So, don’t be shy about sharing yours. Again, if you do so, your teachers will be more eager to help when you contact them for recommendation letters.

SOME FINAL ADVICE FOR REQUESTING LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION

When requesting a letter of recommendation, it’s always best to ask your teachers well in advance of the deadline so that they have plenty of time to complete the work. This means that you should usually aim for giving them at least 4 weeks and never less than 2 weeks. Remember that while they typically understand that writing such letters comes with the job and are happy to help out their students in this way, teachers are very busy people. So, do what you can to make the task as simple as possible for them.

Beyond giving them ample time to complete their letters, you can also simplify the task for your teachers by giving them a copy of your resume and a few of your strongest assignments as references. Finally, be sure to always ask at least one more individual than is required as a backup in case your original letter writer doesn’t come through or fails to get their letter in on time.

[robinnygrenart]

I didn’t feel very good in high school. Or life. Childhood. At all. There was a lot of negativity. I didn’t feel I belonged in my family and friends who I thought were ride or die had all just abandoned me as our class swished schools to fit in with the new popular kids and that meant, not to get seen talking to me. Any time someone in my class spoke to me were either to speak down to me or just hit my head into a wall. And well, I lived at a child care I guess is the closest translation so it's easy to feel abandoned by your relatives and you tell yourself your place there isn’t more than an income for your carers.

I felt useless. Absolutely 150% worthless. Waste of space and oxygen. If you think you can imagine that, you can’t. You have to experience it and not everyone makes it out of that journey alive. I kinda just dragged my lifeless body throughout childhood, telling myself “just one more day”, trying to find something to live for. Marvel-releases were kind of small milestones to strive for but lacked any real meaning, so now you know why I draw so much Marvel.

I didn’t talk much to my new class in high school as well, my friends I have known since kindergarten didn’t value me more than popularity, why would this new class?

So strangely enough, I find myself in a group chat with some other selected classmates one night and have to leave the conversation because of a sudden anxiety attack where, to my surprise, I get a notification.

One of the other classmates had noticed I stopped talking and reached out privately, asking how I was doing. And in my entire “emo-phase”, nobody had ever asked me that before. Not really, not in a meaningful serious way other than the usual polite “it’s been so long, how are you, enough about that…”

That was the first real step into this random girl who I expected would leave my life after graduation becoming one of the most important people in my life and holding my hand in this new journey into the light at the end of the tunnel.

Tiny moment after moment, inviting me for milkshakes, sleepovers, watching Good Omens, bonding over horror films, this girl made me feel like I was more than a waste of space, that maybe I… could matter?

And from feeling absolutely nothing, that I mattered nothing, less than so, to just… be invited to stuff. That was huge. It’s indescribably huge.

I am now 22 and can seriously say that I’m much older than I ever expected to be and I am grateful for that every good and bad day.

All because of that single message that one night. That first step on a ladder she probably didn’t know I needed to climb.

Thank you.

Reach out to someone, you never know who might be needing it.

[renegadeneverdies]

i wonder if my boyfriend will ever see this. i hope he will tho, cause i can't just tell him all of these. i am fucking struggling. every time i think i'm doing good and have improved, i fall back into the same fucking hole. maybe without feeling suicidal as fuck, but knowing myself, i'll feel that too, eventually. i am drained.

one of my problems is finishing school. don't get me wrong, i hated every minute of it and despised most of my classmates. my exams are killing me. not because they're hard or anything like that, but the expectations to do good. i am not smart nor do i have a good memory to remember all of the shit i've learned in the past 5 years. if i don't get into uni my life's over. at least that's what my mom keeps telling me. she's breaking down every good thing i have managed to build in means of my mental health.

i constantly feel like i don't belong anywhere. i never feel special or good enough. i don't feel like people like or even love me. i fucking hate myself and i can't explain why. the only thing i could reason with is everything that has happened to me. my traumas made me hate myself. the way my mom treats me makes me hate myself.

you know, mom, i've been hoping to be your best friend since i was little. you've been always so distant and cold towards me. you've never seemed to truly care about what's going on in my life and my mind. everytime i was visibly depressed, you took it as an insult to you being a bad mother and made people comfort you. you were never a bad mom i just wanted you to notice me and my struggles. when you did, those weren't valid. it was always you, not me. you could do it to my brother, you gave him attention, had great and meaningful talks with him. why not me? you make me feel like a stranger, someone who doesn't belong in this family. the problematic kid. every shitty thing a child can feel in these situations. i've been trying so so hard to meet your expectations since i was small. i thought i finally did, but you always remind me that i haven't and i probably never will. sometimes i think we finally have my dream mother-daughter bond, but then i am slapped by reality. i just want to be a good daughter for you. there was a time when you took care of me mentally. when i was raped and i had no choice but to tell you and dad. i'd never go back to those times but you took such great care of me. i felt like i matter, like you worry about me. we could talk freely. you noticed and listened to me. i miss that so fucking much. i don't want to escape from home. i am still broken. i am still that damaged little girl inside. please notice me.

my sweet boy. i am not mad at you. i will never be mad at you. you did not traumatise me, they did. you did not hurt me, my exes did. what happened might have reminded me of certain things and triggered some of my traumas but that's not your fault. i know you love me and you'd never hurt me. you're trying your best, i am very well aware of that. you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, don't forget that. you showed me what true love is, and proved that good still exists in this fucking evil world. you are an angel sent from heaven, you saved me in so many ways. i am so thankful to have you.

[fatimaah]

I'm exhausted. I'm just exhausted. So so exhausted.

These days when I come home from school, have lunch and finally have free time I just wanna cry. It's either the school that makes me wanna cry or seeing my parents both super tired those days or seeing my grandma not being so healthy or seeing my cousins depressed and stressed or not having any desire to eat and loosing my kg again or not being able to even watch a silly show because I'm too tired of everything or all of it all at once....

Or realizing that yeah I love my friends and classmates but honestly my hate for school wins and tho some people seen sad abt graduation....the closer it comes the more I realized that I'm too tired of school to be sad to leave it. I will miss my friends but this day was inevitable. That's why I just want it all to end.

I just need summer. I just need my dad being funny and outgoing again instead of coming stressed from work with bags under his eyes, I just need my mom being supportive of everyone again instead of putting a lot of housework on me because she's no longer a housewife and she's making money now. I just want to get away. Somewhere far, all alone, have a rest from everyone and everything somewhere in Malaysian beach where I don't need to worry about exams or stupid MUNs that aren't even interesting or useful.

I just really need to be sure that my future self will be happy with her life. That she will truly fall in love and marry someone. That she will have a job that she enjoys or be a stay at home wife that's having fun at home and going on walks with her lover late summer nights.

I don't need money or anything. Just a lovable person, a cat, a cute little house, meaningful conversations, friends, being able to create art everyday, seeing my loved ones happy and being sure my kids love their motha.

I need happiness. Back, I want it back

I need to do my Arabic and then my housework and then find some more info for stupid MUN (ew why did we even agree to take a part in this shit? It was boring today and I didn't like my own speech and zr even bullied kmll)

Also today's stupid lineyka was super annoying. I hate being a hater but oh how I hate A LOT OF people from our school. Not gonna miss those bitches. Only three teachers and six girls. Other can disappear I won't even care if we never meet again. So tired of all of them. Especially the principal. Hate her.

Damn why does this week suck sooo much I wish my parents didn't need me at home and I could stay more after lessons with my friends to play volleyball or go out for lunch or something. I wish I didn't have so much on me, making lunch for my grandma and dad and mom cuz now she's also nOt kEepiNg uP wiTh tHe hOuSewOrk sO I ShoUld heLp cuz My broTherS arE disAbled . Helping my sister to have a fucking childhood cuz I hate seeing her kinda depressed at nine. What even is that I'm so worried about her mental health.

The way my brothers are living like literal pigs is making me SICK. She never sees them like this LIKE HELLO MOM IT'S NOT ONLY ME WHO'S SEVENTEEN? u don't need to be a girl to be able to live like a human. so annoying all of them everyone can I die already

edit: frz wants to do a no-backpack day, lol. I mean oookay guuurl that's a progress, at least something fun

alriiight it's almost time for sleep and I'm fine I just forgot my problems and everything is gonna be ✨great✨

can I have a really cool dream with interesting plot twists PLEASE

May 16, 2024

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

s2ep15 zombizou

*looks into the camera like i'm on the office after the episode ends*

this was a lot, i don't even know where to start and how to formulate my thoughts.

i think i'll start with ms. bustier tho. i think i understand the intent behind her character--are at least the montage of what her character is supposed to demonstrate--but i think they really beefed the landing there. like it's all well and good to think positive thoughts and be kind to your fellow man or whatever, but if the other person is absolutely unwilling to actually try to be kind, i don't think you need to go out of your way to be nice to them.

setting a good example only goes so far. and for some, it won't be enough. they need to understand in a meaningful way how their actions and words may hurt others. and giving them brownie points for sometimes doing the right thing or owning up to their mistakes won't change them. esp if they go back to being mean all the time to others.

and i think the way chloe's character is written is just confused. she does constant heel-face turns, and because this show episodic, she never grows out of it or learns anything from it. she learns nothing from despair bear and she's learned nothing here. you can't expect me to take this character apologizing twice only for her to go back to being just as mean and racist as she was before.

back to bustier tho, i think it's the wrong message to give to people that "she let herself get overtaken by negative emotions" and also for ladybug to correct her and tell it's all hawkmoth's fault. like no! sometimes we do just act like assholes when we're in a bad mood! there's not necessarily wrong with that insofar that's a pretty normal experience to have. obviously we have to learn to temper it and not take it out on others, and we won't always succeed, but that's just fucking life. you apologize and try to do better. and the ppl who love you will give you grace.

as i mentioned before, i think this show could've done something really great with the whole set-up of how akumas take over and work. bc again, showing kids that anyone, at any point, can feel very strong negative emotions. and bc of that, they may act very mean toward others. that doesn't mean they're right to do it, but that also doesn't mean they were wrong for feeling that way. again, insofar as it's a very human and normal experience to feel strong negative emotions. and as long as you have a coping technique that doesn't rely on taking it out on others, it's okay to process and work through those feelings. it's okay to feel that, even if you know it's irrational. bc that's just what feelings are! they're irrational!! it's lizard brain!

i don't know what else i can say about chloe that i haven't already said. but i will say that i fundamentally disagree that bustier didn't punish chloe in some way for defacing a classmate's property. teaching her it's okay to do that will get her into trouble later on in life. that's just not an okay thing to do to anyone's personal property.

additionally, i really hated that people kept saving chloe. that they were forced by the writers to "set a good example" when it's going to do nothing to actually change chloe or her behavior. she's never going to introspect and she's always going to be mean. there's no point and their sacrifices mean nothing. she literally insults kim and rose as they're trying to help her. her sacrifice to save ladybug from chat noir is hollow.

speaking of, yet another instance of chat noir getting brainwashed to help hawkmoth. at least his cataclysm was useful this time, i guess.

i also really wish they had actually done something with everyone talking about how much they believed in and trusted ladybug to save them. this could've been really good narratively, as far as building her up only for her to fail in some way.

this would've been a really good episode where she fails and then has a moment of introspection and gets a new yo-yo and some new powers to defeat this akuma (or new villain if they hadn't been cowards and actually thought past hakmoth).

but no, she saves the day. like always. without the help of chat noir bc he's like half-lamp at this point.

but anyway, the injustice of what happened to marinette and then the narrative forcing her into a weird lesson about "setting a good example" will always piss me off. the whole thing is unfair. and chloe still gets a miraculous for it.

can't believe they really left bustier and chloe on the very top of the effiel tower. do they even know how to get down from there? tho at least chloe couldn't cause harm up there i guess.