#like im wasting my life just sitting here but i dont really care

[seokmn]

chapter 13.

wc: 1k words

“oh my god, if you say anything else ill throw you in front of a moving car! we’re almost there, stop complaining!” frustration was very clear in doyeon’s voice, which made chan even more annoyed. “youve been saying this for an eternity now! im going back home.”

“wait! we’re here!”

chan looked at the old house in complete confusion. doyeon took a key out of her pocket and opened the door before looking at chan. “what are you waiting for? come in.”

the house not only smelled but looked old. “careful where you walk,” doyeon referred to the good amount of pieces of broken dishes on the floor. she placed her backpack on the table and carefully took some plates out of it.

“what are those for?”

“look at the floor and youll know what are those for,” she laughed as you looked around. “you wanted to break some plates with me?”

“exactly. now here, take these,” she handed him a few plates and a marker pen. “why the marker pen?”

“youll write something that you want to break, that you want to get rid of it,” doyeon took a plate and a marker pen, wrote school’s pressure down on the plate and looked at it before throwing it hard against the wall and yelling at the same time the plate hit the wall and broke it in pieces.

chan looked surprised, not knowing doyeon had this side of her. “so, wanna try now?”

“why should i? breaking a plate wont make the problem go away.”

“trust me, chan. do it.”

he sighed, took a plate and wrote losing her. chan looked at the plate, his fingers gripping at it before throwing it against the wall. the sight of the plate turning into small ceramic pieces was relieving and he couldnt explain why. it felt like the some of the weight on his shoulders were gone. he smiled and chuckled a little, finding the situation amusing.

chan didnt waste any time and started to write things down the plates and threw them, laughing like he was losing his mind. every thing he wrote on the plates were about you, about losing you.

he took a deep breath while looking at the ceramic pieces on the floor and tears started to fill his eyes, making his vision blurry. laughs that were coming out of his mouth soon started to turn into sobs as he crouched down, hiding his face in his hands and doyeon went closer to him without saying a word and started to rub his back in order to soothe him.

“i- i dont know what to do!” his voice came out between his sobs, his whole body shaking as he cried hard. “the thought of losing yn was already way too painful and now that i really lost her… its like i have nothing to smile about life.”

“hey,” doyeon crouched down as well and gently took his hands out of his face, taking sight at his red eyes and runny nose. “its for the best.”

“who cares if its for the best?! doesnt mean it doesnt hurt as hell!”

“i know, i know.”

“do you? i hate when people act like they know what im going through. you clearly dont! when you lose the love of your love because of your dream life, then you can say that.��

“im sorry.”

“dont apologize,” he sniffed. “its just- it shouldnt have to be like this, i shouldn’t have to suffer like this and make yn suffer as well. i shouldve never gotten closer to her, she doesnt deserve this. i want to run back to her, but i also want to become an idol… why cant i have both?”

“in life, we have to make sacrifices, chan. you can become an idol and love her from afar, or maybe your busy schedule will make you get over her, think that it wasnt right to stay together. you dont know what can happens.”

“i dont know and i dont wanna know… now i gonna choose to let her go because she made up her mind, but not because i chose this,” he sighed and wiped his tears away. “its funny how i cant go back, how i only have one path to go to now and im still torn. its not like i can go back in time or something.”

doyeon stood up and waited for him to stand up as well, “come on, you cant stay like this forever. are you really gonna just sit in your pain or are you gonna grow out of it as well?”

chan stood up and looked at her with pitiful eyes, “i feel like im grieving.”

“well, think about the bright side, youll have a lot of great songs to compose.”

“thats not funny.”

“who told you its a joke? turn your pain into art, chan. why do you think i paint that much? youre not the only person whos hurt in this world, so will you turn this pain into something productive or will you let it drown you? turn this into songs or into choreographies. dont let this pain take over you.”

chan only nodded, that was the only thing he could do at the moment. he knew she was right, but he also knew he wouldnt be able to do that, at least not at that moment.

“im sorry i was rude to you in the groupchat. to be honest, i dont even know why i said those things, i guess i got frustrated at the situation because i hate seeing you like this and blming yourself for it. i know i never told you, but i see myself in you.”

doyeon was expecting anything from chan as his response to his words but the hug he gave her right away, which she responded by wrapping her arms around his body while whispering motivational words in his ear.

once the hug was broken by doyeon, she looked in his eyes and smiled. “im hungry, we should eat something. lets go,” chan smiled as well and nodded. “yea, lets go eat something.”

HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS

yn and chan date since their freshman year and are truly high school sweethearts, but will chan’s dream of becoming an idol get between their relationship?

masterlist — prev — next

taglist: @ivehypnosis @wonkierideul @ateez-atiny380 @noircheols @222brainrot @odxrilove @vixensss @starshuas

[bitchcrime]

[somefisher]

Im gonna throw up im sick of feeling awful all the time

[octuscle]

Hi, im a 19 yo nerd, yesterday some kids wre playing with a soccer ball in front of my house, the ball got into the garden of my house and when i threw it out, i didnt nlticed i threw it a bit far and it arrived into the house across the street, breaking a window, the neighbor, a single man, came to my house and told my parents what i did, he demands i repair the window by myself, i dont know how to do that, can you give me a little help?

First of all, you do what you do best. You sit down at your computer. Enter "repair soccer window" into Google. A lot of things come up that won't help you at all. Care tips for footballs. And advertisements for household contents and liability insurance. The soccer care thing doesn't look very helpful, but it might be interesting.

Shit, you can waste a lot of time on the Internet very quickly. After half an hour, you're back to the current and upcoming match day in the Premier League. But you still don't know anything about repairing windows. "Repairing windows". Perhaps it would help to remove soccer from the search query. It doesn't matter why the window is broken. It just needs to be repaired.

Now we're getting closer to the point. Lots of tutorials on youtube. Surely there's something there. Unfortunately, you don't even know what kind of window is broken. And what exactly is broken. Damn, just how many different types of window panes there are. You can find an article about German windows. They have a lot of damn cool features. I wonder if that would be a market to sell and install German ones here. What this tilt function is supposed to do is still not clear to you. But these shutters on the windows are hot shit. You'd like to install something like that at your parents' house.

You're guaranteed not to install something from Schüco for a few thousand dollars in your neighbor's house… You're assuming that your neighbor will have vertical sliding windows in most of the rooms, just like you do. Probably made of aluminum. A shame, really. Horizontal sliding windows made of wood with glazing bars would fit the character of the house much better.

Haven't you ever worked for your neighbor? You must still have plans and views from the street side. Or at least a photo. Yes, here. Where were you standing again? How hard did you throw the ball? What was the wind like? Just because you did an apprenticeship as a carpenter doesn't mean you're stupid. So it's probably the window of the study on the second floor. Yes, it must have been rotten, you can see that quite clearly in the photo. Just replacing the glass won't help much.

Nowadays, working on the computer is half the battle. Calculating material requirements, programming saws for cutting. And downloading some porn in between. Hehehe, unlike your father, you don't need to hang up raunchy calendars in the workshop anymore. Your father is hardly ever seen here anyway. It's no longer his world. In his day, a carpenter needed a hammer and a saw, he used to say. Old man, those days are long gone.

Before you start, you went to your neighbor's house across the street. Real life is sometimes more reliable than virtual life. But it was the right window, you measured it again with your laser measuring device. You had miscalculated by a few millimeters. You are a craftsman with passion and dedication. You don't mess around. You deliver precision work.

"Mr. T, better than before my throw," you say with a grin. But it's the pure truth. But you know exactly why your neighbor insisted that you carry out the repair. He'll do anything to get you to fix things in his house. And when no more chairs tip over and no more doors squeak, you'll take care of Mr. T. yourself.

He asks if you can have a look at the shower after the window. While you take off your dungarees, you say that you are a carpenter and not a plumber. You will probably need help. You don't have to ask Mr. T for long.

[swmmi-kti]

Mates(pt3)

DNI/BYF

cw: none so far.

part: 1 Part: 2

synopsis: you kiss!

You couldn't get urogi off your mind not since then. Constantly finding your thoughts back to him and him alone.

His voice constantly a plague and it wasn't that you minded at all. Not at all , that sweet yet chirpy voice lulled your thoughts somewhere.

Regardless This night you find sleep to be....non existent. You find yourself walking through the house bare feet cold when it hits the wood floor.

You shiver a little as you feel the cold settle in "mm...winter's here" You whisper no doubt your breath visible as you walk around.

You can't help imagine his own arms wrapped around your body, embracing you and keeping you safe between them.

The rumbling of his chest you seem to have noticed now. You hated admitting to yourself just how much you missed him. But you would never hate to admit you did.

You find your way through making yourself tea. It was always something you found yourself doing to clear your head and never drinking it. Which was wasteful but it eased your troubled mind.

"Hey~" You hear an all to familiar voice call from the kitchen window. You smile as you turn your head despite not being able to see you could just feel him in your mind

"Hi Urogi, I take it you came to see me?" You tease as you give him the go ahead to walk inside.

You hear his steps, his claws tap against your floor as he walks in to your kitchen.

"I did gorgeous"

You laugh as you sit down and feel his gaze on you. you often faced the moon during nights when you couldn't sleep tonight you face him.

You couldn't see that soft expression that adorned his face, Couldn't tell how his eyes never left yours

"Why are you awake anyways?"

You chuckle letting the tea warm your hands. "To be honest with you...i couldn't sleep haha" You laugh as you take a sip "and well it got very cold and i wanted something nice and hot"

" i see i see" He replies solemnly

"thinking a lot i can hear....mind telling me what about?" You ask him.

You hear shuffling and some disgruntled sighs "i....had to come see you. there's been a lot on my mind A little birdie runs through it all the time"

You smile and feel your cheeks heat up. "oh...ehm Well i hope all good thoughts"

"i...Feel foolish really. I fantasies being human, Meeting you just a normal human woman and that we be more" he laughs, not his usual joking one either but filled to the brim with nerves "Isn't that ridiculous? Please tell me its so. please tell me stop "

You felt very hot suddenly, Very aware of how you were sweating.

"Please never Stop!"

It was so sudden, how his large claws gently grab your jaw. His lips were so cold, You can smell the ruffling feathers. Oh he felt incredible against you.

"Im So-"

What words he may have wanted to say it was all shut up by your own lips on him. Your body against his. Moving with him, almost pushing him. His chest firm and almost like stone against your own chest.

You yelped and he Let out a Startled Grunt as you tumbled down to the cold wood floor.

You couldn't see how you feel only feel it. How his feet were practically up in the air. How close you were....

You only felt that his hands came around your waist. Pulling you close pressing so close to his body.

"No...No i can't" You Hear Urogi say, Pulling that wonderful warmth away from your lips. Making you whine a little at the loss "You..You're Human and your Stunning and im-"

"Everything i ever want" You reply as you play with his hair. Despite not knowing how he looks like, not knowing fully why he was denying himself letting go you just cant help but want him.

no...You Dont want him, You need him, The life you lived is good and you've grown to love it so much, But...What is life without completion? If the world had really truly wanted you to live a life without someone you would have never met him. Never would have been saved.

"Urogi...Please. I truly cant seem to let you out of my every though, Urogi i Don't care if im Human or if you aren't. Love comes so naturally and i really really want to be with you" You respond feeling your eyes water

Why were you crying? It felt foolish to be crying over something like this, but how your heart ached for him constantly. You wanted him. To not only touch him and feel him there with you.

But You wanted to speak with him always. Tell him Good Morning as soon as she moon rose, Kiss his face Good night when the Sun peaked inside.

Wanted to ask him what he's feeling, What he's thinking, Wanted something more than physical, Talk about mundane tasks. Was it so wrong to want something more.

"I want to...hold you, talk your ear off about what's on my mind, I want to spend my coldest winters with you and lay together during the hottest months of the year" You say sitting up. getting off of him as you feel his gaze on you

You can feel his hand gently caress you, Even slightly break skin with his claw.

You were so beautiful. How could Urogi deny such request? But this is so dangerous. He was a demon his life is always going to be attached to others, He himself isnt... him.

What if someone wanted to get to him through you? Hurt you? Would he be able to bear it? He will live far longer than you, what about that?

"I want that too"

You smile as you hold his hand and help him up. You hear his clumsy steps, Hear how his wings bump against your walls.

You let him sit down on your bed, hear the frame give as you touch him. Fingers grazing the contours of his body, Play with his hair.

You let him touch you, Let him begin to tear at the fabric that covered you, flustered as you sit on him. Sitting on his lap as you kiss him.

Your bare skin against his as you feel his teeth while he kisses your neck,

"Too much?" He asks as he takes noticed on how you shake in his arms

"not enough"

You let out a sigh, moan even as you push him down on your bed. Your hairs mingle together. Kisses are heated, hands touching one another, sighs leave your breathless lungs

And the night doesn't seem as cold as when it began

[ins4nebxtch]

fr ending it all tonight cuz nothing seems worth it anymore like okay if im gonna be very honest i dont even get the point of trying anymore like it really really isnt worth it, the year started out kinda rough but i thought eh itll be fine but then like it went on and on and then it kept going downhill and see atp i still had hope that i could turn things around right but then i really don't think i can fix this like ive been trying for an entire year man idt anything is going to be any different. and before ik i was sorta depressed and shit but atleast i had some sort of energy to keep going but honestly I'm so fucking drained like idt im going to keep going. this anxiety ocd whatever the fuck it is im not self diagnosing cuz thats yucky like these fucking voices are genuinely getting too much, like bro wym smth very bad will happen if i dont leave the door hanging or keep my shoes exactly in a certain way or sit there and recite the number of fucking likes comments and shares on every reel 3 times. not victimizing here or anything but this is like -2 points for me no since i have to go through all this also and niggas who ain't gone thru shit in their life like the worst thing they've "been through" is getting scolded by parents for bad marks or sum get to sit here, fuck me over, laugh about it, spread it around to their friends who haven't gone through shit either js so they can sit here and judge me?? and then judge the way i cope w it too cuz they know whats better for me more than i do?? and dont even give me that oh ydk what others have been through like nigga even if they have 1. they should understand how it is and not pull ts and 2. if theyre going thru smth and this is their coping mechanism or whatever, just because your lire is fucking shitty doesnt give you the right to fuck up mine and laugh ab it. you cant outrun shit in this fucking city everyone knows everyone and apparently they love to make it so well known they dont like me cuz I'm some #1 alcoholic slut who apparently doesnt have a single nice bone in her body. i admit i was shitty like a while back but legit everyone who's sitting here and saying ts about me has done the same and some of these people have done even worse shit yet they face no consequencs and get to judge me?? its absolute bullshit. I've done nothing but sit here and fucking pray for things to get better and actually try to become a better person but im not gonna waste my time anymore if everything remains like this. you have absolutely no idea how much I've prayed to god, literally begging to fix atleast one aspect of my life but to no fucking avail and it's got nun to do w me being a bitch or whatever or oh it's js karma cuz i see niggas who've fucked me over 10 times worse having the time of their fucking life so god has no excuses. it's not even for character development anymore like okay bro ive actually been trying 2 change what more do i need to develop?? all these niggas do is judge judge judge like oh she drinks ew like nigga maybe the reason i do is cuz you or your friends dumbass fucked me over so hard that i wanted to kill myself?? would you rather me write yall fucking names in my suicide note and kms so the whole gang goes to prison?? fucking hell im doing these idiots a favour and they have issue w that also like bro atp id buy a fuck b4 i gave one (in reality i care a lot or i wouldnt be yapping this much) anw im done trying cuz if i suggest trying again im genyinely gonna waste 3 lakhs that my parents spent and theyll probably kill me themselves so i dont think i have any other fucking option anymore cuz im not dealing w all of this again. i swear to god bro if i actually die ive got a few niggas who i want paying the price for whatever bs they pulled or istg im gonna haunt them and pull one conjuring scene. oh and another thing ik they say iF yOu DoNt LiKe YouR LifE tHeN dO sMtH tO FiX iT like nigga past full year what do you think ive been doing like if god has this big issue w me then im also pulling one scene w him im going up there to see what his problem is

[teddy-feathers]

i think. i might actually come out to my fam this year.

not the best time to transition, i know, what with trump in office and our ability to actually transition probably in danger because of it.

and like. i do have concerns about my ability to transition at work. its not that i care much its that. my job requires a security clearance - and they might consider me a problem if im trans. idk. havent looked into it.

the thing is. im tired. right now literally but also very much figuratively.

i dont. go after things i want. not things that matter you know?

oh new game came out I want to play? Ill make it happen obviously.

need to make time to hop on call with friend? ill try and work it in.

but i am. 33, nearly 34.

i did not figure out what i wanted to go to college for - because i was told what i should do, and every attempt to do things i wanted to do instead was corrected.

i kinda fell up into my jobs by having many mental breakdowns, not going to work until i lost my job, panic, immediately look for something I was probably capable of doing, and accepting any terms and conditions they gave me to get me the job.

i have had this job for a while - i mean technically i got promoted twice, but same location for five years isnt bad.

but like. i dont even decorate my room. like its not permanent. its transitory and doesnt really belong to me so whats the point.

thats kinda how it feels my whole life had been. not belonging to me, transitory, and pointless to even try because my efforts have no real value or meaning.

i dont really know what i want. but im working on just. going after things i think will make me happy.

and i like being called sir. would like my tits gone. maybe kinda sorta want some other things to go along with all that too.

Theodore Marshall Hyde isn't a bad name, I like being called teddy - or Theodore Roosevelt the 26th president of the united states - and my middle name already starts with M so why not go after my grandfather's middle name and be Marshall? Also I can be T M Hyde - like technical machine "hide" which is fun.

i could probably grow a long wizard beard - though beards look like a lotta upkeep and if my dads anything to go by i wont be reaching zz top lengths any time soon.

like. i came on here in 2015, and i learned a lot i didnt know about trans people, met some, and was kinda like "wish that were me". 2018 i decided fuck it. it is me. i want it.

and even if. i doubt and think i dont want it enough. or im not really. or its just grass is always greener. or or or. - hell the worst that can happen is a few changes that i cant reverse and a some i can.

but its. been. 6-7 years of me just. sitting on it and seeing if itd go away.

it hasnt.

and like. while sometimes i still try to dig around in my head to "prove" its real and not just. idk. some left over childish thing. i don't. actually. have to prove anything to anyone?

thats why. i might actually come out to my fam and then get the ball rolling.

my aunt kinda. proved. that it really doesnt fucking matter what i do, know, say, believe - whatever - that ill probably never get her approval or support or anything other than her trying to prove she knows not only everything else better than i do, but me better than i know myself.

and im tired of it.

like. my parents in comparison are easy.

my dad might call me a dumbass or say he doesnt agree with it. but like. if im willing to waste time energy money resources blood sweat and tears on it. then. on my head so be it. like. i really think he'll go "no, youre not" but like if i want to be stupid about it, he's not gonna like. try and stop me. if i dont take his advice, as long as he a) doesnt get blamed for it all going wrong when you should have done what he said and b) gets to say i told you so when it blows up in your face then. hes pretty much going to just scoff occasionally and leave it alone. (i think)

momll never see me as anything other than her daughter. she will get my pronouns wrong. she will go around telling everyone and their brother that im trans. she will still love me and try and support me no matter what though.

my aunt will be... a problem. i just. cant deal with her being a problem any more.

i dont want to want to avoid going home every day because i dont want to run into her. i dont wamt to play "yes man" in every conversation just tonget the conversation over faster or to keep her happy. i dont want to be... upset any more. or hurt.

i am. so tired.

i dont want 20 questions i dont have the answers to, or the endless whys. or the patronizing laugh because she knows better than you. or that shell go and do her own research and find that actually i cant be trans not only because of personal anecdotes but also science says so.

i. do not care. what anyone says.

i want this.

it will hurt no one but me.

it will not hurt me or inconvenience me more than many other things i could be doing instead or in any way that i am not willing to live with.

i will probably end up happier because of it.

it will be a trial but i will get through it.

i dont want the latest facts and figures. i will do my own research.

i need to sleep. i just.

like if i cant win with my aunt then the win condition is basically telling her i do not care what you think or know, it is in fact none of your business and also when i say indo not want to talk aboht aomething that is not a green light for you to try to bully me into talking anyways.

like. im going to try to work things out to where I know what i kinda want to sorta maybe do and work towards this year.

this is just one of the things.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi cas, it’s grieving anon. Here for the vibes today. TAYLOR SWIFT… I mean… 

So, ive had a few weird things happen. I got distracted and fell over, and injured myself so yay… and then I had the weirdest thing happen.

So I mentioned I got nightmares right? That I woke my mum up by shouting and sitting up in my sleep. So I have a bunk bed (small room- needed space for a desk). And a few days ago I had this creepy dream and legit propelled myself out of bed- still half asleep and panicking. Then had to climb back in. 

And last night I literally crawled from lying down to the other end of my bed and climbed over the bars and fell OVER and OFF my bed to the floor 😭

You know the length of like, a normal door? It was like that far that I fell. I woke up both my parents. 

IM 16! I shouldn’t be flying out of bed. Luckily i’m not too hurt tho. I remember the dream, I was just climbing over a fence, I couldn’t feel the floor but I knew it was there so I let go, and then I WOKE UP ON MY FUCKIGN FLOOR. 

Like whyyyyy.

Anyway. So Long, London. My first favourite. “HOW MUCH SAD DID YOU, think I had, did you, think I had in me, HOW MUCH TRAGEDY?”

Then, of course, I Can Do It With A Broken Heart. AMAZING. Yes.

And, Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me? 

So far, they’re my fav but i’m sure the others will claw their way into my heart too. 

Anyway, my sisters been annoying me. She seems annoyingly fine. She called all the injury’s i’ve been getting “pre-exam” injuries… NO! They’re post fucking death injuries. 

I know her, I know she’s suffering in silence. But it means whenever I see her, she seems fine. And it’s fucking annoying. 

I don’t know anymore. My mum, she said her nightmares went away after my Nans death when she went to a grief therapist or something. i’ve never gone to a therapist. I don’t know how it’d feel. And, I don’t really have the time. 

But I don’t want to wake up on my floor again. 

I feel like I blinked and my life became this mess I can’t control. And I have no energy to anymore. I lost all my fire. I used to strive to learn and care and participate. Now i’d happily rot away. Why bother. 

Anyway (that’s like the third time i’ve said that now 🤦‍♀️) “IM JUST GETTING COLOUR BACK INTO MY FACE IM JUST MAD AS HELL CAUSE I LOVED THIS PLACE” 

Writing these at the end of some of my days has been very stress relieving so thank you. I’ve bullied myself into not picking the scab on the horrid massive cut I got from falling over. I’ve refrained from pressing into the bruises I got from sleep falling/climbing off my stupid bed. 

“IS IT A WONDER I BROKE. LETS HEAR ONE MORE JOKE”

 This isn’t even my usual music vibe 😭

“DONT YOU WORRY FOLKS, WE TOOK OUT ALL HER TEETH” Iconic. 

“YOU SHOULD BE. YOU SHOULD BE.”

“YOU WOULDN’T LAST AN HOUR IN THE ASYLUM WHERE THEY RAISED ME”

Literally everything i’ve tried to do this week has failed. School work, running, sleeping.

I’m so tired. 

Hi hon! I'm so glad to hear from you! <3

Nightmares after a loss are SUPER common, and you're right to know that they don't have to do with exams. As far as therapy, I know you said you don't have time, and I used to say the same thing but then I got to thinking...

I wasted SO much time being sad, run down, anxious, depressed. Like I probably spent at least an hour a day in anxiety paralysis, you know? So devoting an hour a week to STOPPING those symptoms actually saves me time, in the long run.

It may not feel the same for you, but it's something to think about! <3

I'm so glad you like TTPD. Using music to cope is also super helpful. Screaming lyrics is so...emotionally rejuvinating.

Keep messaging me <3 I'm thinking of you!

[ha-youwish]

This is not a vent post, it’s a book recommendation and self-analysis kinda. Please consider reading this, I won’t blame you if you don’t.

Last year around this time, my granddaddy passed away. Usually, online and in formal spaces I would call him my grandfather, but that’s not what I call him and I will not limit myself for this post.

Last year around this time I was beginning my second semester of college ever. I was not doing so well. My grades were low because my attendance was abysmal and my work outside the class was shit. However the previous semester I had taken a class that I was able to stick around for more than the rest.

This class was studying how different major religions and cultures coped with death and how they thought of the afterlife. I bought the books for that class with financial aid and never read them.

Just now I got done reading one of the books, When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner, never read it until I found it sitting around today.

It’s a relatively short book, under 200 pages, about how Kushner deals with the question “Why do bad things happen to good people?” from his place as a rabbi.

Now I don’t have any sort of relationship with god. i’m not strictly atheist or anything but i tend to believe in whatever religion people want me to believe in if they ask me to pray for them or a family member.

when grandaddy died, i had nothing to fall back on. granddaddy was extremely religious and generous, i am so incredibly grateful he was involved in my life and there for me. but people from his church said it was a part of god’s plan or that there was a reason he passed when he did and when i was in such a low state at college already.

i moved away to college and the landlord sold my home. i was in an unfamiliar uncomfortable place where the only place i felt fully comfortable was now completely inaccessible. my mom moved in with grandaddy and took care of him before he passed. it was tense. he was kind but old and stubborn and so is everyone else. the drain of taking care of someone can be worth it, but that doesnt mean its not there.

i was, and am, dealing with severe depression surrounded by other gloomy people who didnt make it much better. i never went to class and i had, and have, crushing guilt that i was wasting the time and money of my family.

and then granddaddy went to the hospital. and then he died. and its unfair.

all of it is unfair, and if it was a part of gods plan then hes fucking unfair too.

now, i have not necessarily moved on. my fingers shake still if i think about it too long. i dont even know if im going to post this because of how exposed and raw i feel. but its important to me that somehow in some way this gets expressed and that someone other than myself will read it.

your suffering was unfair, whether it was a lot or a little. the world is unfair. we all know it. i hope you know that you will never be able to look into the eyes of someone who has never known suffering, and i hope you can find some comfort in that connection.

this book is from the point of view from a religious man. it talks a lot about a god i dont believe in. but the way it talks about suffering and how it effects people makes it helpful for me to parse my own feelings and thoughts.

so feel free to replace god with whatever you want, with humanity and spirit and the universe and everything good. here are some quotes, alt text included:

- sometimes i convince myself that what i feel is nothing more than chemicals, that the regret i feel from not driving home the day before and visiting before he passed was just something my mind is doing.

i once stayed up late at grandaddys house after he passed and i was shoved right back into school like my life hadnt just gotten its shit rocked.

my mom was in her room asleep, but i really couldn’t take it anymore. we stayed up late just talking through how we felt after i had cried to her. and to be completely honest, hearing that she had regrets and wished for just a little more time fucking sucked. knowing the people around you are going through it sucks, even if it was to be expected

but we connected over that long early morning. we resolved almost nothing. i felt the same as i did before and granddaddys still dead and buried. but it was easier to go on after that.

another quote, a tldr if you don’t want to read the book but want to understand what he gets at, in the end of it all.

i dont think i can forgive other people for being unfair, not without effort. but i think i can forgive the universe because the unfairness is proof that people have choices. shit happens, you choose what to do after it.

for a lot of people, mourning and religion bring them the strength to move on, as he talks about in the book. things dont get better because of prayer that god will fix everything or the universe will set itself right again or you can escape through fantasy books to another world,

they get better because something gives us strength to get up again and keep moving. to kushner, thats god and people who came together to support him. to me, i dont know yet, i dont know if i’ve really started to pick up my life yet. but i think this book helped me start to see the bigger picture

[queenburd]

listen, i AM sorry, ive been trying not to whinge for attention or notes and Ive tried to exist in my own pocket of joy with my own circle for forever

but in my real life Im dealing with a constant ambivalence, a constant lack of care or support from the people whose jobs are to help me. healthcare, lawyers, disability, unemployment. I keep pushing and pushing for support that I am not getting. i keep trying and pushing and nothing's getting better. my depression is wildly out of control despite all my efforts.

and this miserable certainty that Nobody Cares Actually is leaking into my desire to create the things I care about. I feel like I'm sitting and screaming into a room that isnt even empty, it's not a void, it's a room full of people, but nobody is turning their heads, nobody cares. I'm not making things anybody actually has interest in. Nobody wants to see me. Nobody wants me here. I'm wasting my time.

I should be creating for me, I AM creating for me, but I want people to acknowledge I exist. I want to give people something of value. Right now it feels like I don't have any value, like the entire system and world has been repeating "hey nobody actually gives a shit or wants you around. we're not going to help you because we don't want you here."

so then when i create things for something I know other people like but then I just get crickets, I can feel it in my brain. "This thing you care about? nobody wants to hear from you about it. nobody is interested in the things you have to say. you're never going to get any attention for it, because you dont deserve attention. it's just not good."

i KNOW it's insane and it's stupid and I know that it doesn't matter and I know that wanting fucking notes on a piece of art or writing is so STUPID. but i just wish more than a handful of people had interest. and then isnt that an insult to that handful? why cant i be grateful for them?

and I am. I am grateful. and maybe Im not grateful enough. because I still feel like im screaming in a room at the top of my lungs, and who fucking cares? who cares. stop wasting your breath. just stop.

I really thought if i cared about something enough, people would want to hear it and engage with it.

stupid.

[groupwest]

its so horrible. every week i’m like its okay i’ll just put this off until next week and somehow i’ll be magically capable of accomplishing it then. and then next week comes around and SURPRISE its just as hard and i feel just as bad and i hate myself. i want things to be different so bad. i want to be happy i WANT so desperately to talk to the ppl i care about i cant even sit down and have a conversation with anyone whats wrong with me. my head is so full and i dont know why. its so hard to just exist here and i dont know why. i want to build my own life. why does it feel so impossible. why is everything so messy and disorganised. in my head i mean. why is there no time for anything when i dont DO anything why cant i finish anything to completion why am i wasting my life like this. ITS HORRIBLE. i still feel like just a kid. pretending to be someone who can do so many more things than i actually can. i have no drive to make my life better because im just tryingto do everything that needs to be done but its more than i can keep up with. so i have absolutely no space in my head to plan out what i could do to actually be happy fulfilled and able to recharge my batteries properly. i wont even let anyone try to help me or give me advice becuz i wont reply to their messages. its horrible. people love me, i love me, and i let them down. i let me down so badly. im gonna kill myself with stress over nothing. its horrible. i hate the world we’ve worked so hard to build. it’s so impossibly hard for so many people.

i just want to live a peaceful life. by all means i should be able to, it should be that way, right now. everyone who visits me the first time they see our property they think it’s beautiful and serene and peaceful and i wish i could see it through their eyes. the inside of my head is just so messy and overwhelmed and it bleeds into everything. i just want it to stop. i just want to seethw world the way it really is. i just want to do things one at a time, think of things one at a time and it would be easy. it would be peaceful. wouldn’t feel like my head is screaming at me 24/7. its horrible. how can a day start off so fine and by sundown i’m sobbing uncontrollably over the smallest thing that wasnt even a problem. i feel so lost. i dont know how anyone does it becuz everyone seems to have much harder lives than me and even this much just feels impossible. how is anyone not paralysingly scared of living or of changing or of taking leaps of faith. i swear i used to be less scared, why is it so hard now. i swear i’m growing roots and any kind of transplant feels like someone is ripping them apart. the thought of change is terrifying and the fear is only surpassed by how horrible it would be to stay this way forever. oh god why must it be like this. i just want to be happy. i just want to live up to my potential. i just want to talk to my friends.

[mabeysomeclasspecting]

You're still doing requests? Awesome! Can you classpect mine 🥺 no need to rush with it ofc, pace yourself! Uhh, lets see.

1. What are your interests/hobbies?

i have a lot of interests but if i have to put a pin on them, its always about exploring something new. watching a mysterious internet arg, writing down worldbuilding ideas, getting myself lost because my hometown start to get too samey, exploring abandoned buildings, and watching plays and backyard gigs. which is ironic because i live in a small-ish town, there is not much excitement or exploration to be done in here, but i make do. other interests of mine would be music. i like music that are weird, distorted, and just off. i love it when the rhythm is a discordant mess. however, just because i seem to go out a lot doesnt mean im the social type. i mean, i try to be, i kinda have to get used to keeping secrets and doing things all alone to get some freedom / agency in life.

2. How Do You See Yourself?

Honestly it depends on which character i latched on to that week. I dont really care for having an internal self. Whatever serves what i want best is my current self. But, turns out im not that good as a social chameleon. So, one thing I can recognize about myself is i don't quit and give up on things even when I should. When I want things, I might not be very motivated to get it, but I'll always work on it no matter how long it takes or how many times it has failed. Oftentimes I worry that im too slow and that no matter how much patience and devotion i have to my wants, I just dont have enough energy to actually get it. Or i'll end up ruining myself in the process.

3. How do you think others see you

Unforgettable. Striking. strange and offputting. Acquaintaces say im okay but a little aloof/strange. My family say i work hard but i have no sense of self preservation, tbh i think theyre biased. My friends think im smart and a little impressive. But closest besties, despite my best efforts, see that i used to be super sheltered and inexperienced in social settings. its terrible!

4. How do you interact with your friends?

Hm, depends on what kind of friends. if theyre the hangout friend, i'll just sit back and occasionally make them laugh with my dumb antics and give out some trivias to make things fun and easy. If theyre the deep conversation friend, i would try to impress them with how much i know. its overcompensating i know.

Its not all roses with me though. Some of my friends did say i can be unsympathetic to their problems. which is surprising to them because they thought im nice. i didnt mean it, i guess i just dont get why people just lament instead of finding a solution. its so... helpless. i dont want to be my younger self who let himself get trapped in his own house and miss out on so much life because theyre too afraid to act. so why people do nothing but feel sad when awful things happen is beyond me. And that comes out harsh when people are used to my lighthearted, easygoing self.

5. What's Important To You

I need to feel good about myself. And that's very much reliant on me working for my dreams. Not some escapism or fantasy. I also want change, a kinder world, justice. I want everyone to get whats been stolen from them. However, I spent so much time and wasted so many opportunities because of that dream, it almost feel like its holding me back from permanently feeling good for myself. but when i think about it, im not angry or disappointed. I like to see the silver lining in everything i guess. but there's limits to this. Yknow the phrase "fighting the good fight?" i think, its not enough to fight, you have to win, no matter how many rules you break or how many things become collateral damage. doesnt matter if youre in the right side of history or how many times you prove bigots wrong if you keep losing and dying. and thats a matter of action and bravery, not morals.

6. Describe the ideal you, what kind of person do you strive to be?

Impressive. Capable and competent at everything. Scares people but in a good way. Get shit done. Have sick-ass tattoos, have lots of friends, Can be relied on for everything. And have traveled to so many places and get so many extraordinary experiences.

(note : i wanted to send you an ask a few months ago, but there was a sudden blackout in my area right after i hit send. pretty sure its gone to the void! but just to make sure, if you see an ask thats similar in content to this (i remember saying i like internet horror, args, music, and urban exploration!) its probably mine! you dont have to answer that)

and my signoff emojis : 🫧🌪️

Hello! I definitely think that ask got lost, but I'm happy to classpect you now :)

Aspects: Breath, Heart, Time

Classes: Prince, Thief, Maid

You seem like a solid Prince of Breath to me! I feel pretty certain, but play around with those other ones if that doesn't feel right

Hope this helps!

[poolofthoughtsbyclaire]

03/24 ENTRY: first tattoo

I remember telling myself that the first tattoo Ill be getting is the infinity symbol. Because it was our symbol. But on the day that I have decided to get inked, I changed my mind. I went overboard for my first tattoo and it wasnt a small one. But still, it was for her.

My tattoo was half sun and half moon together, kissing. I got the inspiration from one of the posts here in tumblr with this quote above. “He loved the moon so much, he died every night just to let her breathe.” I dont know how on earth I could relate to that quote that I wasnt the one dying. Or am I? I remember that time, we were on cool-off. I was rebelling against her. I smoked every day like nicotine gave air to my lungs, I drank like the alcohol is my blood and I skipped classes (or sleep during class). I played billiards during break hours on my uniform. I go to class late and I wouldnt mind. I’d have my ears plugged with my earphones blasting with sad, miserable music like Habits by Tove Lo. And I would not stop listening to full volume music during class. Honestly, I didnt cared anymore at that time. All I could think of is how to survive this shitty world cus I was just barely hanging on. I felt like a walking soulless body. Sleepless, heartless, numb, tired, little to no appetite, no will, really like no life. It was sad. Terrifying even. To be in that state not knowing what to do, questioning yourself if youll be able to survive, no idea of the future, like am I still gona be alive? I was killing myself.

The day I got inked, I hadnt slept that night because I was from my graveyard shift in the hospital. It was our hospital internship and I thought what a nice time to sneak out and sleep in your girlfriends house but no. Because we werent okay that time. It was a moment wasted, I thought. So there I was, right after I finished my graveyard shift, I went straight to the tattoo parlor and had me inked. I was with my friend at that time and she was getting inked too. Nervous, I let her go on first before me. We both decided to have it no our backs because we just knew that it wouldnt hurt that much in that part. She had chinese characters of her first born’s name inked and she finished like 5 to 10 minutes? It was just quick. Then it was my turn. We finished like more than 10 minutes I think? Well it felt like more than 10 minutes, because I was suffering. I was preventing myself to do unnecessary movements cus why the fuck do I felt like I was being tickled?! It was the longest 10 minutes of my life! I seriously couldnt stop giggling and twitching my body hence, the reason that my back tattoo looked like it was deformed HAHAHA! And it was such a bummer because I dreamt of having a full back tattoo. Sigh.

Anyways, back to the main topic. After that morning, I went home to get changed and I went to a friend’s house. Clue, this friend will be a reason of our cool-off again. I went there because she needed money, so being the gentleman I was, I went straight to her to give her the money and to visit her as well. I knew she wanted me to leave that time but I insisted to stay. So I ended up accompanying her in her errands. She paid her bills and after that, we took some time at the arcade and I watched her play the fish thing. Then, we went separate ways cus I think she told me that she’ll meet up with her mom? I dont know,I dont remember. It was still 4pm that afternoon and I didnt want to go home yet so I went to 4J’s. It’s a chill spot/tindahan/karaoke/secret spot near in our school. I texted a friend of mine to see if she’s available to keep me company and luckily, she was. So we went there and burned our lungs out. I think we were able to finish a box of 10’s in just one sitting. And we didnt even stayed there for an hour. The sun has gone down and it was my curfew so I went straight home after that.

At home, I’d stay in my room and never go out. My mom would even tell me that Im acting like a tenant and not a family member. But I didnt cared, I hate going outside my room. I didnt want to see their faces and never wanted to talk to them unless I needed money. Sometimes, if I still get sad and it felt like I hadnt smoked that much, I would light up a cigarette in my bathroom and just cry my heart out silently and stare at the blank ceiling till I feel the nicotine to kick in and feel numb. Then Id be okay. If you might ask, there’s an exhaust fan in my bathroom so I have no problems if the smell would stick around. I usually finish 3 sticks in my bathroom.

[readymades2002]

.

i wanna start fucking sobbing i need to get the fuck out of this apartment i cant live here anymore. i cant do anything on my days off because she's always fucking here. i woke up too late today and she was already coming home and she saw me trying to figure out the sewing machine and immediately came over and started messing with it over my shoulder. sees me with my headphones in trying to do anything and waits for me to see her wanting to talk and then she just wastes all my fucking time telling me about our shared workplace which im already trying to spend my single day off trying not to think about and when she's not she's telling me about some vlogger's dying dog and its like im sorry but i dont care i dont FUCKING care i dont want to hear this i dont care i dont care i dont care. every second im in here she's watching something with no headphones or taking up all the space in the only room there's any room to do anything or bothering me with things that i don't care about. i go to my room and i can't keep her out because it's her room too and she takes over every shared space here and there's no room for me to just be alone. i have a really goddamn bad week at work ahead of me and im just trying to rest and relax but i can't as long as she's here so i'm busy ruining my stupid fucking knee walking around for hours in 100+ degree weather because as miserable as it is anything is better than being here. she keeps telling me people at work are asking her if she's okay because she isn't talking as much and she mentioned she thinks she talks too much and i can't say people love talking to her and want to be around her (the truth) because i know she thinks this because she notices that i don't want to talk to her or rather i am sick of her talking at me. and she has noticed this correctly and is projecting it onto everyone else. but she also WON'T tell anyone else about it she won't confide in anyone else she won't get a hobby she won't go anywhere she won't do anything she just wants to sit here and do nothing and tell me all about it and i'm fucking sick of it. i can't tell her any of this because trying to talk to her honestly and openly means she will start deflecting and justifying it all and saying she's not doing anything and i'm just too sensitive and it makes me physically sick talking to her about anything at all. and i'm trying to find a way to move out and i just missed an opportunity on a really convenient apartment by a few days and i want to start screaming because i don't know how to navigate this shit on my own but i do not want to ask her for help, i am sick to fucking death of her sitting there hovering trying to live my life for me i dont care maybe ill feel different if we're not stuck in the same space 24/7 but i just want her to get out of my life, i dont care anymore, i dont care, i just want to be alone and i fucking can't i don't want to be here anymore im sick im tired im exhausted i cant do ANYTHING i cant live i cant have anyone over i cant do shit because she's always fucking there watching and judging and hovering and micromanaging and trying to consume and analyze and obsess over every little fucking thing i do im coming off of two suicide attempts last week and a bad cutting relapse and nothing has changed i can't fucking do this anymore. i can't. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to just get the fuck out of here. fuck

[counting-eyerolls]

vent post

you ever. realize how short and precious life is. nothing puts it into perspective for me like thinking about a loved one’s death. or like, seeing someone who’s lost a lot and keeps going because “thats life” but it doesnt mean they dont care or get affected, they just try to keep going because that’s what the people who arent here anymore wouldve wanted. it breaks my fucking heart because it always feels like there isn’t enough time. and every other superficial problem in my life always disappears when i realize these things. i’m so caught up in my own head and in modern things (like always saying “this makes me wanna die” and joking about how life sucks or making shitty modern jokes (besides other mundane modern things ofc)). and now i think about how i lightheartedly joke about those things and i hate myself for it. and just. nothing really matters anymore when i think about how no matter what i do, there’s so much time i wasted not caring more. maybe i was busy or maybe i was too young to understand the importance of it or maybe i thought i was caring enough but it doesnt matter because it would never be enough no matter how much it would’ve been and i also can’t turn back time to change it. and i just sit here in tears because yea. it is like that. and i cant change. death is fascinating to me in literature and writing and art and shit until i have to experience it firsthand. and then it just sucks. and i thought it got easier but suddenly i stare at the fucking stone in the ground and im back to square one. i cant even imagine being in the shoes of who was closest to them. and it just. happens. and i just feel like i wasted so much time even though i know i had no way of knowing because i was a child.

[sierrater]

response to catnon :3 (read here: https://www.tumblr.com/total-drama-takes-the-squeakquel/745309781592588288/httpswwwtumblrcomtotal-drama-takes-the-squeak?source=share)

okay first of all THANK YOU FOR NOT JUST SAYING NUH UH AND BEING DONE WITH IT!!!!! I MAY DISAGREE BUT THANK YOU FOR ACTUALLY MAKING POINTS ABOUT IT. cuz now i can debate :D (i very much enjoy debating) here we go

Emma's friendship with Bowie was literally all about Chase. It started and ended because of him. It started because Bowie was like "oh girl hes shitty" and she was like "ikkkk" and it ended because he was like "oh girl hes shitty" and she was like "erm no!!!!" (i hate how the writers kept trying to bring chemma back let them both be freeeeeee). And the dance is just.. a dance. I'm not trying to say you're reaching but it is just 1 piece of evidence. Other than her dancing, there is barely any evidence to show that she doesn't care what others think (correct me if im wrong, ive only seen the reboot once and I haven't been able to 🏴‍☠️ s2 yet). I'm gonna take your word for it though, that she was super excited about the challenge even without knowing the answers. That's fun!!!! That is so fun, duh would she wanna do it, anyone would!!!!!! Maybe she just found it fun? And again, anyone would !!

Second, I do agree about the abuse thing. I dont think I worded my argument correctly in that ask, before it was posted I regretted saying that and I still do. What I meant was that Chase probably would apologize and try to make it better IF HE KNEW THAT WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG. Which he DOESN'T. And Emma is acting like he does in the show. He's shown to care about her on multiple occasions, and even saved her life once. He didn't want to kill her, he didn't want to hurt her. Someone really needs to sit him down and tell him that "its just a prank bro" is not a valid excuse so that he'll go and say sorry to her. because so far nobody has. also where are yall getting the manipulation thing from genuinely its giving the cody stole gwens bra debate he literally just asked her to get back together a few times. 😭😭 go outside please /nbh

Personally, my least favorite thing in this show is WASTED potential. Emma did have the potential to be great, but with how they did her in S2 (referring to her getting voted out quickly) I'm losing hope. That's probably part of why I hate her so much. Just a difference in preference, I guess :)

Also, I heard from my friend that her archetype was the tiktok star, I should have done my own research. mb lmao. Still, im pretty sure she doesn't mention YouTube if its not in the context of Chase.

Closing out, I don't agree with you but still thank you for actually coming up with an argument, nobody has done that yet and I really really appreciate it 👍👍