#like im a victim of stalking and possessive abuse

[butch-bakugo]

Ok heres my real problematic hot take:

Yandere stuff CAN be cool but only if it's handled well and respectfully towards the actual victims of stalking and possessive abuse and isn't just the fantasy of some creepy basement dweller guy who can only make fictional crazy women love him.

[sora-the-stargazer]

Hello Community,

first i ask you to check out this: https://anarchysys.tumblr.com/post/190594914984/a-warning-for-all-those-active-in-the-fictionkin

(Sidenote: in the post on the link, The Person called Karkat is here mentioned as Roxas You may know him as Roxas, Lykaios, Rougarou, Xaeph. the Part where you can see my story is where they mention screenshots from a person they know, that has been stalked by roxas since 2 years. That person is me. when you see the screenshots from me in there, i said i met Roxas in spring 2017, which i typed wrong. It was spring 2018, also i mentioned there i told roxas i was kin with ventus but i remembered it wrong, i didnt told him because i was questioning this timeline atm. That was right before we had the breakup so i thought i told him, but i didnt)

this is an important post i should have made long ago. Please dont mind my typos, english is my second language.

I made a new account so everyone can see this post. You may know me as moonlight-and-starflowers or starshine-and-roses. 

I shut up for too long and i should have done something MUCH earlier. I dont think i need to explain the shit that went down between me and my both ex.

I am so done with this childish bullshit. In the Post from a friend you can read my side of the story. Im not going to rewrite it all here. I just wann add something personal.

I go tons of anon hate, saying i should kill myself, people threatening me, saying they have my adress, saying they gonna call the cops on me, saying they “find me and hunt me down” and so on. 

Do you think thats fun? I can tell you its not. Im not here to get pity, im here to tell you this is not a game, this is serious and its character assassination! 

I decided long ago i will not make a callout post against my ex because i dont need that, i know what i did and what not, and i dont need to make a google doc to “warn” my friends. But Dude, its been almos 2 Years and all you do is talking shit about me? Do you even realize what sick shit you are doing?  You have nothing else to do then making a google doc about me with all the lies you made up ?? And since 2 Years its your job to tell people lies about me ? Litterally, i know from Friends that the first thing you tell new people is to stay away from me. are you serious? And besides, no - i did not stalked you to find the Google Doc. People sended it to me to show me the sick shit you are doing. I took steps back from the communnity since i know this is a place that is ruled by basically you, telling everyone im a monster. and then, friends tell me the shit thats going on, and YOU call ME a abuser? thats so funny.  i do basically nothing since the breakup, do you think i waste my precious time with looking around for your accounts ?? Appearently this is all you do. i imagine the time you put into the google doc. wow. really, am i still such ab big part of your life? Why cant you let it go finally?

You know, i never said something. i got all this anon hate, and i kept still. It made me panic, YOUR billshit made a big part of my theraphy. and still- i shut up. but getting another very hard anon message last week, broke me. I will not shut up anymore. What you do is SICK. If i get notifyied that there is more bullshit from you, i will inform the police. This is not a game this is serious and should be seen so. Im not longer shutting up while i get called a abuser, a rapist, a child porn lover, and so on. i collected the URLs and IPs from the hate messages. So be happy for your buddies that harressed me too ! They are in it too. 

I once tried it friendly. I offered him my peace and that we just let it go. Everyone live his life and move on. But he didnt. He couldnt let go of it. A sorry - a regret of what had done, a single sorry. But it looks like he is too possessed with bullying me and talking shit about me.

You wanna “keep the community safe” ? From who? Work on yourself before you bully other people.

Roxas or anyone else, If you insist to do the same and go to the police, go on. i have nothing to hide and again: i can and will show every chatlog of us. In case they are needed, i will do that.  Cause i know what i did and what not. 

Yes, i now made a callout post. 

to stand up for my rights.

I’m not the only victim.

Crime in Internet, is real crime. its not a joke. 

Be aware. 

Text me for more ✌🏻

!! I need to add something !

I found out that the last Anon hate i got, was from Roxas Itself. Even tho he wrote this in his post 😂

Kinda funny, isn’t it?

[thrallsnpuppets]

Mass

-ive shithead abuser and the Dayton shooter are the same person.

***Trigger warning: sexual violence and domestic abuse references***

*sigh*

First off, it seems whenever a bunch of fanatics or zealots get ahold of some damning piece of information that fits their agenda they parade it across social media.

This particular ramble is about the Dayton shooting or more to the point "shooter".

Im leaving the whole gun regulatory bull to the politicians and flame wars on related posts. The only reason why this murderer was even brought to my attention is because, as usual, a conservative meme encouraged me to do a little fact checking.

If you go to the dayton shootings wikipedia page youll see that under the perputrator bar that they really emphasize the fact he was a prosatan, leftist, and obsessed with violent ideology. The meme i found echoed this verbatim.

However, if you go to the reference link section it gives 3 links of 3 different outlets saying the same thing one of them even being cnn. However, 2 of those links use the same source that had been referenced as the first link in the wikipage. If you follow it it takes you to the snopes page and checks it as true.

What many of the news outlets are leaving out, as described on the snopes page, (ignoring the shooters associations; ill get to them in a moment), that he had already exhibited violent, possessive, controlling and abusive behaviour before the shooting.

The facts that stood out for me were the accounts and records of his abusive nature described by his exgirlfriends' rehashing the fear they had of him and his stalking and abusive actions towards them. They had come forward and even his name stoked panic response for a one of them. A good example of what this male was like in his personal life.

Alright, now onto the associations.

Hes prosatan. True. He was obssessed with violence and death. True. He had a hitlist. True. He had a rape list. True. He was incel. True. He was from ohio. True. He was leftist. True. He supported elizabeth warren. True.

Many of my conservative feeds focus on the fact that he was prosatan, a leftist, and supported elizabeth warren.

I have very strong opinions on those three topics.

Most of the Satanists i have met and known never shot anyone, typically dont own weapons outside of decorational daggers, and are typically altruistic individuals that would cry over sad puppies. The Church of Satan and the Satanic Temple differ on a few grounds mainly on legal presence and a couple of fundamentals. Satanic Temple is more prohuman and pacifistic while the Church of Satan is little more defensive/offensive depending on context. Both do NOT encourage inciting violence or sexual violence (especially against children and many of his exes were considered underage at the time of their 'relationship' i.e still children((14yo)). So, the abusive nature, obsession with violence and rape, and causing violent acts upon those (particularly publicly) would not garner favor in either of these institutions which reject abhorrent behaviour of such intensity.

Leftist is such a broad term that it can describe a conservative that just lightly agrees with left wing policies regardless of their party affiliation. So, it is being used more of a propaganda target for Righties.

Elizabeth Warren. *shudder*. I am seen as super liberal here in southeast texas (despite some of my more right wing views that my socal leftist friends find to be too conservative so i suppose that makes me a moderate) but i have to say she gives me a bad vibe. Because of her Republican history and platform change I cant help to feel that she is a party splitter or some thing to that accord. I just feel that when the parties come together to agree on someone that it isnt good for people of middle to lower class (especially poc). I could be wrong and my personal biases are unfounded or whatever. After all, most of the evidence i provided is more suspicion over facts.

I have a point im trying make.

Lets bring it back to the shooter, his history, and the accounts given by his exes.

This is a good example where the plights and abuse of girls had gone in favor of their abuser. They were not surprised to have had seen his name in an article illustrating violence that resulted in several fatalities. (I can hear your eyeballs squeaking in your skull as you roll them. You know who you are.)

So... What would have happened if this murderer was tried in court as an abuser before he had even taken to the streets with the intention to kill?

Lets pretend abusers, perpetrators of domestic violence, rapists, and stalkers were frequently held accountable for their actions with punitive recourse. People, theoretically, wouldn't have died in this particular circumstance. Reread first sentence of this paragraph. Let it set in and be angry about that.

[Opinion] The issue in this situation is the relaxed handling of domestic violence and their perpetrators. That lack of accountability held to abusers, rapists, and stalkers is what causes the escalation in violent tragedies such as this one (and many other situations that dont always include guns violence or mass murder). What would have happened if he was convicted of his previous allegations of his abusive and terrorizing behaviour perpetrated against teenage girls? What if these women and girls were actually believed when they expressed their fear of bodily harm?

Its not about satanism, its not about his location, or leftist views. Its not even about elizabeth warren (wtf i know).

This was a violent crime committed by a violent, toxic, entitled, and abusive shithead.

The shooter, before he became a shooter, should have been seen as the abuser he was and held accountable for those actions before he became the murderer...

Same idea of penial action should be taken against so many other abusers, stalkers, and rapists who feel entitled to anothers life.

Remember, this asshole was a(n abusive) boyfriend before he became a killer.

So be safe, lovers. You're not overreacting. Your abusive partner or ex really are that much of a danger.

Ps. It is not in the full responsibility of abusers' victims to ensure persecution of these violent offenders. Its a community problem. Other people in an abusers' circle, particularly those with knowledge of an abusers' behaviour, are also responsible to ensure accountability for their harmful actions (particularly if their victims are young and innocent people such as minors).

Thanks for reading

[roccoreceipts-blog]

CALLOUT FOR MARS / BARON / ROCCO / MIMI / PIPPI / MARIA WHO CURRENTLY OWNS @VINYLBITCHIN + @HANDFUCKIING + @FLESHPRAY + @SHESCHISM + BUNKERKEPT . CONTENT WARNING FOR ABUSE, PEDOPHILIA, RAPE, RACEFAKING, ETC.
 


a quick introduction though i'm kinda uncomfortable, im 17 i run a few blogs on this hellsite and i have some concerns for people's safety. this isn't a petty post either, is genuinely fearful for myself and others she's abused in the past and will continue to do so and it's about time we all came out about this because it's gone on way too long and i blame myself more than anything for holding back. i just felt unsafe and i do more so now but it's worth other people's safety. and everybody knows i'm definitely not one to do something like this and i've had such a hard time coming out about this from guilt. i want to make this short and to the point. i don't wanna take up too much time because we could go off for hours about all of her drastic lies like how she supposedly got hypothermia in 45 degree weather or how she lied about being in a s.chool s.hooting ( one , two , three ) ironically she had sent me a fanfiction of the c.olumbine s.hooters in the past and guilt tripped me the moment i said it wasn't right. or the time she told me she was taken hostage which i might have stayed believing if it weren't for the fact she was roleplaying with a character from that movie on her @lleeta blog not too long ago ( one , two , three ) but anyway.

im never gonna be able to recover completely but i want to reach out and warn people. me and others have gone through her explicit / obsessive / rape roleplays but i can fucking guarantee no matter how many times i was ( or the others ) guilt tripped into saying YES despite how uncomfortable i was but couldn't tell her , she does still do them from what i know. she tends to warp characters ( other muns put in these scenarios have told me the same thing bc she did it to multiple people ) to make them far more obsessive / creepy then they are even meant to be. i'll start out by saying ive known rocco since the end of 2015 or so and we instantly became friends. we quickly made our ocs out to be affiliated, though they were SUPPOSED to be father and daughter (and often i would let her portray an oc i of mine who is supposed to be a love interest), she would always propose obsessive rape plots, and even an explicit plot of a forced marriage au between the father and daughter muses which was clear she wanted to lead to smut (warning for a graphic detail i can't get out of my fucking head was her saying she could imagine hannah / the daughter on her knees being forced to unbuckle his belt but said it as if it were almost ? something she got ? in a way , excited over ??) of course i don't have many screenshots of these things especially because i was isolated by her for about a year at the time , trusted her , and no matter how sick or anxious ive felt getting her messages i didn't really know i had the choice to come out about it , especially considering how hostile she would be when i had friends or even my ex .

( one , two , three , four , five ) we were actually dating at this time, which was a relationship i was basically forced / guilt tripped in after saying no countless times. she would often numb me down when i would say no to things, whether it was her asking to be in a relationship with me or even roleplay, in which at one point i've counted 20+ screenshots of her constantly begging even though i had just declined. at this time is when i was isolated so i don't the have exact proof because again, i didn't know about the abuse going on in front of my face and i didn't known what to do about it. she would constantly guilt trip me over these things and i felt very vulnerable though i do tend to play things off when i'm uncomfortable.

now i'll move on to some more recent -ish shit or at least things i haven't completely blocked out from my memory since that's most of what i have. we've been friends on and off because she had eventually set me off, our first fight being me angry that she couldn't handle when i declined her roleplays. so it's been a long cycle of me blocking her from discomfort, only for her to constantly make or log into old blogs to try and contact me to manipulate me into friendship again. and it worked. too many times. after all of that, she began to test boundaries which is something she usually does. this included throwing attitude for no reason ( i remember a time i was supposed to be making her icons and couldn't at the time and her response was "it's not that fucking hard" // she's even sent me a screenshot herself before of her in a groupchat where one of the participants had said something and told them "literally nobody cares" and expected me to comfort her after that ) + saying things she knows is wrong + stealing or making blatant rip offs of my original character ( one , two , of course there are far more instances like the time she ran @viirginblood but that's not the point of this post so i'm skipping over that ) + bringing up my past relationships / sometimes family or financial issues + constantly bringing up the fact we got in fights i was trying to move past or try to make me feel bad if i didn't reply right away ( one , two , three , four , five / she also acted very controlling to me any time i wouldn't answer so i would be forced to give an explaination and she would pretend it wasn't just her being "worried" ) + manipulating her into following her / bossing me into doing things she wanted ( one , two ). even some new information came to light that i was completely oblivious to; obviously any time i had a friend or a significant other she had no problem portraying blatant jealousy, i was also informed she was acting possessive of me even when i wasn't around, when i was actually NOT TALKING TO HER AT ALL ( one , two ) . which really freaked me the fuck out.

she would also constantly TRY to spite me when we weren't friends. she's admitted it. she's also admitted in a group call, that i still have contact with one of the participants, that she stalked me when we stopped talking and got her friends to "keep tabs on me" i was also informed of her stalking another minor not too long ago and going back to the spite stealing, it wasn't just one oc, it was concept ideas, urls, even going as far to LITERALLY flat out steal the oc i let her portray ( the one she obsessively wrote out rape roleplays with ) , lied by saying it was a "misunderstanding".

shes also is a rapist and pedophile apologist ! she roleplayed dolores of l.olita and a few people including myself can recall her literally posting / asking for a humbert to roleplay with. i don't know a lot about the film / book itself but i DO know humbert is the pedophile who abused dolores. here's some screenshots of her not only apologizing his actions burn theowing a pity party over it, claiming shen had a right to roleplay dolores getting, what i imagine must have been sexually abused ( one , two , three ).

her relationship with her ex, ( for those of you who don't know ollie you can probably easily find some information on him as a fill in on what he's done / warning for rape ) ,   she helped him catfish / fake his identity to hide what he did, shows hostility toward the rape victim and shows behavior of a rapist apologist again + talked some nasty transphobic shit about me , not to mention again , i'm underage so that's weird that it's focused on my body especially considering she's 18 here, not to mention she's not still obsessing over me when we aren't talking ( one , two ) + on her @roccospeaks blog she had a while back , she deleted the posts but i'm sure plenty of people saw that she and others were claiming that ollie was FAKING A TRANS IDENTITY ( and this isn't a kiss ass moment to him, i'm just pointing this out: this was after she made those transphobic remarks about me so i highly doubt she can blame her transphobia on being "drunk" here ) because he was wearing makeup and had a feminine appearance . i'm pretty sure the post is still floating about somewhere so if you can find it, it's all there . she continued to focus on me despite we weren't talking, blamed me for being the source of her suicidal tendencies that she's had since i've known her, ironically though she's also told me i'm the reason she says alive in the past — and something she thinks blocking her for comfort is a manipulation tactic or game to her ?? / that and here's some of her guilt tripping all because i soft blocked her ( one , two , three )

i had also recently ended a relationship with an ex of mine , which wasn't ANY of her business but she constantly brought her up plenty of times. as shown above, she's was insisting that my vague posts about ending my relationship were about her no matter what i said ( one , two , three ) + doing so either herself or i suspect getting ollie or his friends to send me anons about MY relationship because i didn't tell anybody else about it, but she sure as hell did ! all while putting blame on me ( one , two )

here are some messages i have of someone informing me she was actually racefaking ! and the funny thing about this is she's white. or at least from what i know? i know she has indeed sent me a link to a post before of a black mun venting about white people or smth like that which was NONE of my fucking business esp considering i wasn't following this person and she told me after sending me the link to the post "i thought i could trust them" where she tried tin get me to comfort her ?? this is also interesting, here she is talking about a minor, THREATENING THAT SAME MINOR, not to mention dissing sex workers and putting an input on reverse racism.

heres more of her obsessive / controlling behaviors over not letting people follow / interact with me out of sheer spite and not wanting them to be able to know what she has done ( one , two , three , four , five , six , though there's many more i lost ) here's more evidence of her interest in writing problematic issues / warning for rape ( one , two ) i have many more screenshots of her situations with ollie but chose not to post them; however if you would like to see them you can ask me, it's just her encouraging him to hack me plus some gaslighting aftermath shen sent me on mun personal when things didn't go her way.

she has also lied about her age to smut multiple times in the past , claimed to be of age here and on multiple blogs. she was at least sixteen at the time. also mentions shes underage here but then says she could LEGALLY portray sexual assault ?? and here's her saying she WILL have depictions of pedophilia on her blog. keep in mind we've known each other for a long time, though it was on and off; she knows very well i'm not 18. if told her before countless times AND it's all over my rules. BUT YET, she's persistent on sending me explicit content KNOWING IM A MINOR / ADMITTING SHE IS 18 after i had vagued about my discomfort ( one , two , three )

as i mentioned above she was always presenting nasty plots to me; i can't stress the fact that it DID make me uncomfortable whether i decided to play it off or not, but later on, when she was indeed of age, presented to me an old, incestous plot and then had the audacity to put the blame on ME, whenever i strictly recall her wanting to ship them / make the more brothers in the first place. my character had already had a brother, her oc she actually made back in 2016 was a spiral off of this canon character. so even afternoon she blamed me for it, we established that i said no, she still chose to focus on his childhood with romance. ( one , two , three , four )

again, im not the only person she's has abused like this. and compared to the things she put ALL OF US through, these have to be some of the lightest fucking examples. but i do hope it is enough to keep others safe or be a warning. i also haven't mentioned anybody for their safety, but if you think you would be willing to share your story you can add on or whatever to get it out their. i really hope you can take my word for or it as well, because it wasn't very hard for me to put myself out here but i think i did the right thing for others.

and last but not least, if she's seeing this, here's a big fat "fuck you" from all us, what you put us through, and blamed us for.

[myvoicenottheoneyougiveme]

By your actions I name you.

By a name you invent, me.

I work forward toward the explanation that accounts for the whole. You work backward from the explanation you want, throwing out what doesn’t serve your purposes.

I cannot live “this” way, but you will not be denied

If through “this” entanglement--“this” enmeshment--the worst is brought out of you, if “this” situation of your own making belies your strength of character, then set yourself aside and let go as the victim you truly are. By your own words, I am a narcissist. We cannot affect others; we can only affect ourselves. By this name, I am a static pathology--ruin. Seeking to possess me, to own and dominate me, to control me, you go against every tenet of the codependent’s road to healing. As a narcissist, as the thing you name me in kind, I cannot love you. I am incapable of love. I can only be your destruction. If this were not so, I would not be a narcissist.

It is your charge to let go and move on to a better place with someone who can actually love you, because the narcissist can’t. CANT. Waging a sadistic war of personal vengeance and self-aggrandization, to own and control your own reflection, to secure it and siphon it from as many people as possible, “this” is not the mark of a codependent. Reigning supreme, you are a perpetrator. You are not a victim. But you’ve built your entire career on that reflection, who am I or anyone else to tell you otherwise? We weren’t. I wasn’t. To me, you were deserving of every bit of sympathy. By “this” I no longer recognize you.

So, I name you thus.

You can’t turn the table on your own reflection, no matter how many people you get to echo it back to you... and to me. You can’t change reality.

Edit: This self-contradiction on your part applies to every label you put on me in your never-ending mental gymnastics. Gay, bi, transgender, when you can’t sell the story of me as the spawn of satan. In every iteration of what you use to rabble everything and everyone around me, you negate me as a potential anything. Me as an evil person, an unchanging/unchangeable pathology, you contradict yourself in all of your attempts to own and dominate me. Me as a non-heterosexual, you contradict yourself in all of your attempts to own and dominate me. You release yourself from the reflection where there is anything wrong with you or the things you do, and you simultaneously negate me as the very thing you want to possess.

But what you can’t possess, you destroy... that’s the only consistent thread to any of “this”.

Free yourself from accountability and personal responsibility over yourself, but make your entire campaign a sham in the process.

It isn’t by your word or your intent I’ve been made to believe there was ever anything “real” to “this”, to your desire. The credit given to you, to “this” as ever having been a shell of anything remotely resembling (laughably) romance, comes from the childish vindictiveness, the spite, the venom, your personal NEED--absolute NEED--to not be invalidated/rejected. Rejection of you, of “this”, you not getting the reflection, the kickback you want from any of your schemes, that’s told far more of the absolutely personal need and subsequent vendetta. I can be the thing that feeds you what you need to feel good about yourself on your stage, or I can go to hell and be the vehicle still on the flipside to getting you your victimhood. That’s “this” in a nutshell. Either way on “this” stage with me or without me, you accomplish this with my name as the placeholder in “this” street-theater. By “this” I name you. By “this” absolute trampling of me and utter disregard as you destroyed me at every turn as I laid myself open to you and your escalation when I dared to walk away from you, I have named you. Everything about you. Everything about “this”.

I cannot live “this” way, but you will not be denied

______________________

Edit 2

Something you’ve been on about for a couple of weeks or more... it’s all seemed like inane babble. I would have never considered.

It’s beyond pathetic, yet here it is with legs, running.

A person subjected to emotional abuse, to narcissistic abuse, do they not suffer? Do they not suffer greatly? Do they not suffer by proportion of the totality? Everything and everyone in their life consumed by it?

Oh, “depressive episode”. Oh, the narcissist who fails to get the mirroring or supply they NEED becomes very very depressed. Oh oh oh, everyone pay attention to me and tell me what I want to hear about myself. Oh oh oh. MOAR MOAR. No no no, I’m melting, melting........

[me clapping] [more clapping] What I wouldn’t give to have no attention at all.

It is said that living through narcissistic abuse, is like having your soul raped, endlessly, day in and day out. What would they say of “this” then? By what magnitude greater should “this” be compared?

So... I’m a narcissist by exertion? I’m a narcissist by affect? narcissist narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist narcissist  narcissist  narcissist  narcissist And “this” is not a monumental effort beyond all reckoning to hold up a house of cards that would sooner blow over the moment you let go. And someone who has had their life taken from them (by your own admission) should not suffer at all... :/

Oh, oh how there is nothing wrong with “this”. Oh, how there is nothing wrong with the kind of person that would author it. If I have a problem with “this”, if it hurts me, affects me, that’s just proof of how evil I am. If my life is virtually ended, an ending that will not lift, ....no no no no no no, wah wah wah wah. No, you’re going to tell me what you and “this” are about, and you’re going to tell me what I am to feel in response as it’s written in the script.

And we’re right back to, me as a vehicle to you living out a fantasy about yourself. I can either play the part you’ve cast for me, or I can go to hell (and you still get to play the victim but now I’m the evil-evil and not just the sort-of-evil that you’re here to save. And THE WHOLE WORLD by extension. Save me from myself. Save us all from me. Play the long-suffering, patient, kind, benevolent, selfless saint you’ve always wanted to be taken for. Get the whole world to repeat after you: WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT YOU?

And then there’s me... giving you the finger

...well that just won’t do! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

....I’m kind of speechless, maybe just tired. It’s just uncanny. The “wrestling match” analogy of “this”. How it tumbles and reverses endlessly, and all I have to do to surrender my life completely is to remain within your reach and fail to send it back. But all I want is to be left alone; you’re the one that needs “this” stage at all costs. Without me, without the whole world on your string on account of me, what are you? You can’t live without “this”. That’s why it will never end. And I need not flatter myself; I’m just a placeholder. I’m a stand-in for every other turn of “this” before you aimed it at me. I would give anything to be invisible, to have... you’re insane if you think I want any part of “this”. A thing like “this”, it’s by you and for you... even the parts where anyone supposedly has to take any of the “logic” of my position seriously. Cause then you turn around and cry foul.

My god, the mental gymnastics and you actually ran with this. It actually had legs. That’s right everyone. I want “this”. I need “this”. I need your attention. I need your support. I need you to tell me I’m this or that. I need you to tell me who I am cause I don’t exist otherwise. I need a thing like “this”, and I’m actually the mastermind behind it. I need an entire secret society at my beck and call so I can stalk MYSELF and then whine about it. I need to have a falsehood ratified by any means necessary by anyone and everyone within reach. I NEED “THIS”. FEED ME. FEED ME. DONT LEAVE ME. DONT LEAVE ME. TELL ME IM GOOD ENOUGH.

[facepalm]

...Well, I do need something, on account of being precisely what such a puppet master seeks out in a target. I need to not be a prisoner in my own life. I need to be able to trust anyone ever again. I need to not have every connection in my life exploited for a particular someone’s own aggrandizement. I need to not be... there’s no such thing as immunity. You either put stock into what the people in your life think and feel or you don’t. That’s the difference between the inner circles and the outer circles--how much weight you give to the thoughts and feelings of others. If you could not be harmed by people you would call your own, you could not be loved by them either. You could not love or be loved.

Criminal actions are still criminal, no matter the constitution of the person it’s happening to. There are real costs, and the cost up to now is beyond reckoning. Against narcissistic abuse, possession of the resources of self to distinguish between friend and foe, between reality and gaslighting, between the inside and the outside, even if you are perfectly immune, a completely healed and completely grounded person, it still requires that you be able to cut ties with the perpetrator. It can’t stop until they’re out of your life. Under all normal circumstances, this is where a restraining order and lots of other legalese comes into play. So... victim shaming, victim blaming, I’m at fault for being negatively effected by others criminal actions. I’m at fault for it happening to me. I deserve it. I'm asking for it.

“This” kills me. = Narcissist I do the only thing I can in lieu of being able to actually get away from you. = Narcissist

“This” kills me, and I exert myself to stop you from destroying every last good thing I could ever have in my life. But it’s not for me to exert myself. It’s for me to leave. But you had other plans. So everywhere I go, even my own personal space... and so I push back at you like a cornered animal. And I just as often sit down and let it wash over me as I dissociate from my own daily lived experiences. Somehow my coping with “this” situation is the equivalent of everything you are doing to me. Somehow I am made to hold and to own what’s actually your own reflection but the parts you don’t want. Somehow this equals, person actively procuring mirroring from everyone and anyone everywhere all the time and recruiting and triangulating and FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME FEED ME DONT STOP FEEDING ME PLEEEEEEAAASE [between RAGE and despondent sad panda]

“This” kills me, and I’m left with no choice. What is there left to surrender that has been made to serve you? Who is there left to surrender that has been made to serve you? What more can I do to shut you out? What more can I do to draw the line between the inside and the out when my very personal space is violated beyond belief? How long does it take? How many years to seep in? How long before paralysis? How long before absolute numbness that can’t be shaken? How long before even if I decide to go and to be anyway, do I find all the land dead and barren? How many years before you’ve severed a person from themselves to render them a husk befitting to hold everything of yourself you’ve fought for years to force down their throat? How long does it take before they become a zombie and surrender to anything and everything assigned to them?

If it weren’t for the true intervention of yesteryear, I’d have never lasted against what “this” became the moment you drew up your nets.

I’d just borrow from your own words to sum up here:

“No hope. No witness.” “Yes we are eating you alive [insert image of grotesque parasitic infestation]”

There’s nothing left to surrender. There’s no where left to go. The suffocation of “this” drains the life out of me. This is the part where you pretend to not be the self-satisfied and smug conquering heroine while secretly reveling in the destruction you cause.

If suffering you makes me a narcissist... I can be defiant, irreverent, proud, but there is absolutely nothing more I could ever say or do to change that. That’s not really the problem though. It just means all the more that “this” will never end. It just means all the more reason for people to flock to you and entrench “this”/you as a fixture in my life. It just means being all the further away from the end of “this”. 

....My own mother

I’m a monster and a menace to society because I’ve survived 11+ years of “this”. I am the real monster. I am the one to blame. I am the reason for all things. I am all that is wrong with the world. I am my own abuser. I am the one funding and creating “this”. I am the one stalking. I am the one with a temper. I am the one who needs all people at all times echoing and mirroring back to me because I am a leaking sieve that can never be filled. I suffer not because anyone is walking on me, violating me, or actively perpetuating these abuses. I suffer because I’m a narcissist. And I exert at all against “this” tidal wave because I am actually the one holding up a house of cards that I need the entire world to help me keep upright.

I’m such a narcissist, I even told myself things that were contrary to your force-fed narrative. I’m such a narcissist that reality need not apply. Only emotions matter. And, and only I, only I, only me, only I matter. FLY MY PRETTIES. FLY! Make me feel powerful. Make me feel dominant. Make me feel indispensable. Make me feel in control. Make me feel that I can hide in the minds of others from what’s real. Make me feel that I can make anything true if I want it to be. FLY FLY FLY FLY FLY FLY FLY FLY

Problem is... I’d still know better.

I’ve tried to make so many things or people real, and I just can’t. It’s hard to feel loved by someone, that doesn’t exist.

I think I’ve heard it all now.

Sorry that took me weeks to click. ...I just can’t even.

Whatever you want. Whatever you want. We don’t need sensible fact based anything. We don’t need reason. We don’t need truth. We don’t need anything grounded in anything. Whatever we want to be true is true. Just because. Just because. Just because you said so.

That’s what I am. Along with every other foregone conclusion. I am by virtue of the cost to me. I am by virtue of being in a double-bind. I am for having any investment at all in my own life. I am for not nodding yes to everything you........ I’m tired.

[downwithwritersblock]

I'm writing a story and I could use some help. In the story there are two friends, they're really close almost like brothers. At the end of the story the main character finds out his friend has actually been doing awful things (stalking, threatening him and people he cares about, etc.) How can I give the readers subtle hints that the one friend is obsessive/possessive of the main character And how can I write that the protagonist kind of over looks him or takes him for granted?

Okay! Becmfore i start im obviously gonna tag this one for triggwr warnings: warning for abuse. Both physical and mental. Manipulation. Isolation. And depression! Be careful guys,i dont want to harm ir trigger anyone! Okay, do all the stuff you just told me they do; the stalking, threatening, and isolating them.but tone it down a little. Make it smaller on the paper,and larger off. It's not uncommon for abusive traits to slip by unnoticed if you do them them a certain way. If you do these things, but play it off a bit like they are doing it to be nice. Then your character would never know. In my experience, there are a few signs of abuse that if done a certain way, can be disguised as love. 1. Control. Controlling your partners life, and their schedule down to every last detail. All the whens, whys, what's, where's and who. Things like planning out their weekly schedule and not letting them be around other people. There is a huge difference between "sweetheart, can you do some grocery shopping tomorrow? We are out of a couple things." And "honey, I'm gonna have you go to the market down the street tomorrow morning at 9 am. I need you back by 11 no later. I've made out a list of everthing you need to get." There's also a difference between "I know you had plans today, but I'm not feeling well. Could you stay home with me?" And "I don't want you to go hangout with them. You don't need them. Stay here with me. I'll be so hurt and lonely if you leave." The second ones don't have to have controlling or abusive undertones. Unless you make it clear with other abusive like actions. Their are people who like to be precise and punctual and orderly. The difference is the intention, and the build up of everything they do. 2. Isolation. A common thing in abusive relationships is for the abuser to try and isolate their partner so that they have no one to rely on but them. And isolation can be as subtle as things like "I don't think they're good for you. They are a bad influence on you, they'll help you get no where in life." Or "why are you friends with them? They have never done anything for you and look at everything you do for them." Making the other people in their lives seem like the villains. And usually leaving the victim with no one but their abuser. Making it harder to see the relationship clearly and hard to break away. 3. Guilttrips. "I don't know what I'd do if you ever left me. I'd probably die without you." This is a big one. Guilt tripping someone into staying with you, making them fear what could possibly happen if they left you. This can be used really subtly as 'what would I do without you?' Can be dropped casually and often. 4. Need to know and often pushing the limits for that knowledge. Pushing someone out of their comfort zone just for them to admit something is a huge no-no. 5. Demanding. No longer asking for things. But expecting them and demanding them. A form of control. Demanding someone do something,demanding their attention, demanding their presence repeatedly and without the others consent or care can definitely be abusive.

[myvoicenottheoneyougiveme]

In reality, in which "this” is most definitely detached but isn’t so purely scientific to have left the elements of the sponsor(s) off the table, that “personal” element suggests what is even being measured.

There are things that happen that I am meant to believe are legitimate interest or investment from others. They come decoupled from any kind of genuine indication that this is so, but you add in reactions to my “rejections” and the way the non-speak “messaging” goes on around here I’m supposed to believe that it’s the case. It’s all framed to me to be the case. I’m even guilted to believe that it is the case. The problem is, that aside from the roundabout quite empty and lifeless “hinting” that goes on, there is absolutely zero indication without all of that that there is any real genuine interest in such a thing. No sparks. No emotion. I mean I’ve seen emotion to the “disappointment” or whatever on rare occasion, but I’ve never once read “interest” in any kind of anything.

Why point all of this out? Because I believe that you my sponsors want more than anything to believe sorry, to prove that I never once read anything in regards to Michelle accurately--never, never once in all the years before “this” and especially after it started. So you puppet and prop up god knows who, anyone and everyone that’s willing to go along and give absolutely every indication “directly out of sight” and under the radar and completely contrary to reality, in an effort to prove that I when given any indication at all will absolutely run with that “invitation”.

I mean it’s all but proven right? You just have to prove it. ...All but. As in you can say whatever you want, but you can’t actually rewrite history.

You want me to latch onto something and decouple it from reality myself and create a fantasy and get all up in my head just so you can show that it’s all me and always was just me.

It’s the supposed “love notes” from total fucking strangers that would get left in the cafeteria. Or it’s the coworker reaching in or rather being the face of the reaching in and touching topics she ought not to touch. Let’s write things on cups. Let’s position the fake cockroaches in every sexual position imaginable. It’s the pointed remarks in conversation to this effect, but oddly all of the sexual stuff both breaking that ice and attempting to disgust at the same time. It’s the people around said person at one time attempting to hint hint wink wink like we’re all playing matchmaker. It’s the pointed “deep disclosure” of this week without the depth or emotion behind it. It’s the librarian taking pages out of your book, out of what happens here in the home too, and being a running commentary on “current events” framing them in such a way. It’s the other in-person attempts at dissonance and the “at my expense”ness that follow anything. It’s the other guy who never wears a cap EVER but suddenly this week because of “baseball” and “brother” and the emotional content of the media I did dare to watch this weekend and make use of my personal space rather than be paralyzed in anticipation of god only knows what will reverberate back at me. It’s the one lady who after I found something profound or in the very least interesting to point out to “you” while cleaning her office--you know the stuff people put on their walls and shelves to show others that says something about them--who has now gone so far out of her way to do exactly the same thing with the knickknacks like I’m supposed to read intent rather than simple harassment and more to the organized stalking. The list is endless. The bullshit “meetings” at the start. The one coworker who would lead the charge for the other. The “friend” officer who would do the same thing. The other officer who lied about having had contact with said “homeless” student after I saw him through the window talking with her, who when I pointed that out to “this” he magically disappeared and was replaced by the even more overt and raring-to-go bully-beat-down type who you had to reassign again to save face...There is a shit storm that’s been raging week after week for months, and your angle of attack may change slightly but your every aim is to paint and to prove and to smear me in any way possible and to, most of all, validate your own victimhood.

...at my expense. Live out a fantasy about yourself at my expense. You have to be one thing in the mirror, that means I have to be the other. I have to be whatever completes that for you. A crusade, not enough that you simply know or feel something in yourself or anyone in your life, no you need to control me and impose it on me and rewrite my lived experience. I am in possession of the one reflection you need more than any other it seems. You can’t have it. What you did to me was more than torturous. You should have let go when I was pulled out and given the resources necessary to no longer be at your mercy. But that reflection on you just couldn’t stand. You wouldn’t stand for it. You would not rest until you became 100% good and he 100% in the wrong (or evil more like).

And I forgot one more, it’s every new semester like every new jury after you throw out the previous verdict. Trading bad science for worse science. The veneer of truth seeking has dissolved and given way to what it is now. The fact is, when your “scientific method” was at its purest and I had little to no idea at all what was going on and I was hook line and sinker in your ploys, you still didn’t get the results you were looking for. No you got more of the codependent behaviors, long before you showed me yourself, Dorothy, what narcissism even meant before I even knew these concepts were a thing. You got every false result and failures to produce what you were just so damned sure of between the two of you, and your own jury, your own writers, your YOUR, YOUR handpicked personally, JURY, YOUR OWN JURY said “we’ve got the wrong guy”. You’ve been trading them out left and right ever since.

The thing about science, even false results are supposed to tell the scientist something. Repeated, repeated, repeated, repeated, is supposed to tell you something. There has to be the possibility for a false result or it’s not science anymore. But you bend and twist and frame and change the game eliminating that possibility anyway, but then you still don’t get it, or you get something that you with the greatest feats of mental gymnastics attempt to shoehorn into a narrative.

You need “this” like oxygen to breath. You need the mirroring. You need it revolving around you. You need the validation. You need to control the narrative. You need to be one thing, and that means you’re going to make me the other thing even if it kills me... and rightfully so, since in your reality, he is, he is, he is, HE IS, HE IS, HE IS AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, and NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME OTHERWISE. HE IS THE EVIL. I AM THE GOOD. HE IS THE EVIL, IM A VICTIM. IM A VICTIM. temper temper temper temper ragefest.

Most everything in this shit storm that happens around me is a (desperate) attempt to show me to be the kind of person that will read something that isn’t there, get it up in his head, and make life hell for someone who never had anything to do with his psychotic reality in the first place. All the signs will then be pointed to one thing being true, except for all of the signs that actually matter. And I’m supposed to run with the mere possibility because it’s so compelling. That gets you the result you want.

This week I suspend better judgement and say, OK, fine let’s just assume for a moment, and within that framework here is where I, myself, stand. ...”Not interested.” ...And then I get more again from her to the effect of “devastation” at my “rejection” of her. ...And then I say, ok, whatever, it doesn’t make any sense, but even if there were chemistry, here’s some qualitative reasons why I would not be interested in a relationship with this person. ...And then next it’s all actions and words on her part to the effect of being creeped out like I’m actually the one coming on and this person wants desperately to be left alone.

Well, I wouldn’t have called even her bit “coming on” but you’ve wanted me to believe that is the case. And I’ve known that you’ve wanted me to believe that. And so, now we’re right back to, “who is ‘this’ for?” Who is it helping? Whose life is it making easier or less complicated? I don’t want drama with people, and I certainly don’t want to be supposedly picking someone up for the let down (which is really actually all your doing in “this” if ever true in the first place).

I know I haven’t given those signals, and I know this person hasn’t truly given these signals. And I know theoretically and from personal experience that such chemistry is a mutual phenomenon regardless of the potential indecisiveness of one party. It’s even possible to crush one-sidedly; conscious preferences are like prerequisite gate-keepers that can inhibit one but not the other on account of them not being shared preferences (and commonalities). But chemistry, when it happens, is a product of two.

...You’re creating these scenarios without said chemistry, but supposedly “saying” all the right things (directly out of sight mind you) (cause I’m supposed to run with the mere possibility and not the overt expression), is a vain attempt to prove that what happened on Tumblr or what happened on Facebook was an entirely one-sided affair and that I’m a danger to myself and others because I just happen to people. If you can prove that, then you can prove that your overreaches and criminal activity and the abuses committed at your hands and the immeasurable harm and destruction in your wake is somehow justified... because he deserves it. The padded room in the mock asylum--a justified ordeal--a justified and right destiny for one so troubled. The end justifying the means.

And your game gets to keep going. You need “this”. You need any result that affords you the supposed right to do as you please. Everything you ever do, is an attempt to secure that and to gaslight me into believing any of it. Erase my own grip on reality and on my own lived experience, so you can rewrite history and I’ll corroborate it for you.