#like ill wake up tomorrow and find out im still there

[mformental]

my dreamsfeel real and my life feels like a dream

[phagodyke]

yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...

[strangespinapple]

RC ~ When It Hurts P2

rafe cameron x fem reader

blurb: you and rafe are together. and lately he's been acting differently so you confront him. but what happens when you find out he's been lying to you?

warnings: angst, cheating, cursing, physical hitting, SMUTTTT MDNIII 18+ (ill tell your parents 🫵🏽🤨), dark rafe, kidnapping???

word count: 1.6k

a/n: mb about the late posting I meant to post this like a week ago but i got busy and im still mourning. enjoy :)

P1 Here

Song Inspo: Hurts So Good by Astrid S

He pulled your face closer to his and captured your lips in a cultivating kiss. It started off slowly and passionately, filled with love and raw emotions. You moaned against Rafe’s lips. With his hand on your jaw, he squeezes your cheeks to force your lips apart and sticks his tongue in your mouth. He uses his other hand to push your shoulder flat down against the bed so he can get on top of you. With that same hand he props himself up and moves his hand from your face to underneath your shirt. With no bra in the way he easily gropes your boob. He moans against your mouth and grinds into you. 

“Rafe pleasee, I need you.” He pulls down your shorts along with your underwear. 

“I can’t wait any longer. I need to be inside of you. Feel how warm and tight you are.” He babbled against your lips. His mind turning into mush from you turning him on.

You grab his shorts and underwear pulling them down just enough to grab and stroke his length. He grinds against your soft hand and kisses your neck. Your hands make their way to his back while he guides his tip inside of you.

“Fuccckkk” he moans in your ear as he pushes his full length inside of you stretching you completely. 

“Rafe, oh my go-“ His hard quick thrust made you moan loudly. 

“Baby you feel so fucking good. Best pussy ever.” 

He grabs your leg and hooks it over his arm allowing him to slide even deeper inside of you. Both of your moans reach a new octave from the new found pleasure. 

“Right there, right fucking there Rafe.” 

Listening to you, he slides right in that spot drawing you super close to your climax. You have always loved when Rafe gets like this during sex. Something about him being so horny and turned on that he starts babbling, whining, or thrusting into you erratically, always pushes you over the edge. 

“You’re squeezing me. I’m not gonna last, I’m not-“ 

Rafe starts thrusting inside of you at a faster sloppier pace. Your back arches and your legs shake as your climax hits you. Rafe moans loudly as his hips stutter against you. His cum spreads within you, painting your walls white. Rafe gets up and grabs a rag from the bathroom inside of y’all shared room. He wipes in between your legs and afterwards does the same thing to himself. He throws the rag in a nearby bin and gets into the bed with you.

“I love you and I’ll always love you.” He grabs your face and kisses you.

“I love you too baby, and I trust you.” 

“Let’s get some sleep so I can make it up to you all day tomorrow.” You smile as you kiss his lips once last time. 

You roll on your side and Rafe cuddles you from behind spooning you. You close your eyes as sleepiness comes over you. Smiling at how content you feel, knowing that your boyfriend will never cheat on you.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

4 Hours Later…

Your eyes open at this incessant buzzing. 

Buzz Buzz

Looking at the clock on your nightstand it’s almost 4am. You turn over to Rafe’s side of the bed to see he is no longer cuddling you and is facing his nightstand.

“Rafey” you whisper thinking he may be awake. You peek over at him and see that he is fast asleep, but his phone is lightening up and buzzing. 

Buzz Buzz Buzz

You think to yourself ‘it might be important with his family or something’ with the way his phone is going off. So you lean over Rafe grabbing his phone without trying not to wake him up. 

Sophia: “Rafe are you coming over or what????” “I'm not gonna stay waiting for you forever” “Come on I need you like real real bad and I know you need me too 😩🤭” *sends a past video of them fucking* “We had such fun times together. Remember yesterday we fucked ALLL day long and it was so much fun”

He told you he was backed up in meetings all day yesterday.

“Seriously Rafe don’t you want all this. Cuz I know you did yesterday.” “Rafeeeeeeeeyyyyyy come on” “I'm so much better than her, I don’t understand why you spend so much time with your loser of a girlfriend” “UGHHH you fell asleep didn’t you ☹️🥺” “Fine call me in the morning babe 😚”

Not only did your heart drop into your ass but it also shattered. How could he do this to you?! You have been nothing but an amazing supportive girlfriend and he has the nerve to cheat on you. Tears start to roll down your face from the hurt. But then it hits you. HE LIED TO YOU. Those tears turned into anger real quick. You turn the light on, grab your pillow from behind you and hit Rafe with all your might. Over and over and over again you beat the man who you thought loved you.

Rafe jumps up, snatching the pillow out of your hands. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“YOU! YOU ARE WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME. HOW COULD YOU?!” You both get up standing on both sides of the bed.

“HOW COULD I WHAT? DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT I’M TIRED!”

“YEAH I BET YOU ARE FROM ALL THE SECRETS YOUR HIDING. YOU LYING CHEATING PIECE OF SHIT.” You hold his phone up to his eye view with the messages his mistress sent him. He stares at you with wide eyes. 

“You went through my phone? What kind of girlfriend does that?”

“OH NO DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO TURN THIS AROUND ON ME. YOUR PHONE WAS GOING OFF AND I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EMERGENCY SO I PICKED IT UP.”

Rafe starts biting his nails, a habit you’ve been trying to break him out of since you guys first started dating. Oh but now you couldn’t give two shits. He could bite his nails until he hits bone for all you care. 

“IT WAS YOUR LITTLE SLUT BEGGING YOU TO COME OVER AND FUCK HER LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.” 

You throw his phone at him and speed walk into your closet. You pull out a small suitcase and start throwing some of your essentials in it. Rafe is still standing at the foot of the bed biting his nails, waiting for your next move. You come back to the room and throw the suitcase on the bed. 

“Wha- What are you doing?” You continue packing your things not looking at him.

“What does it look like I’m doing, I’m leaving.” 

“What do you mean you’re leaving? You can’t leave. You can’t leave me.” He circles the bed towards you as you pack the last of your things. He begins to panic thinking you’re serious. 

“I am leaving Rafe. You cheated on me and lied to me multiple times.” You zip the suitcase up and walk out of the room, going down the stairs, making your way to the front door. 

“Wait, you can’t leave. I’m sorry. I’m sorry baby.” 

He rushes in front of you blocking you from reaching the door at the bottom of the staircase. He grabs your shoulders to keep you in front of him. 

“I fucked up okay cause I’m a fuck up. I’m sorry you’re the one good thing in my life and I need you. I promise I will never hurt you again I’m so fucking stupid.”

 He takes a deep breath to stop himself from rambling over his sobs. 

“Just please, please don’t leave me. I’m sorry.” His eyes red and hands shaking from the crying and fear of losing you. 

Looking down at the floor, you push his hands off of your shoulders.

“Look Rafe, I can't be with you. You cheated on me and you broke my heart. Even if I were to forgive you, I can never trust you again. And honestly I thought you loved me.” You say finally looking up at him through your wet lashes.

“I do! I promise I do.” The tears streaming nonstop on both of your faces. 

When it hurts but it hurts so good Do you take it? Do you break it off?

“If you did, then you wouldn’t have betrayed me. I can’t do this with you anymore. I’m done, we’re done.” 

Rafe could’ve sworn he felt his heart stop. You really weren’t playing around. He realized he really fucked up and there’s no coming back from this. You move towards the door and place your hand on the knob starting to twist it when you hear Rafe speak.

“I’m sorry-”

“Me too.” You slowly open the front door. 

When it hurts but it hurts so good Can you say it? Can you say it?

“but I can’t let you go.” 

Before you had a chance to react you felt one strong callous hand wrap around your mouth while the other wrapped around your body. You dropped your bag screaming and kicking as Rafe lifted you up. You hoped someone would hear you but your kicking closed the door shut. Rafe's hand starts to press harder and harder on your mouth putting pressure on your throat. 

“Shhh go to sleep. I promise when you wake up I will fix everything.”

Your eyes began to feel heavy as well as your body. Rafe always told you that he would never hurt you but he was terrified of losing you. 

Fear and love can turn the sweetest person into a monster.  

Your love is like (hey, na-na-na, na-na) It hurts so good

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

P1 Here

hey y'all! so how did y'all like the fic? constructive criticism is always accepted!

do you guys want a part 3? if so lmk which direction it should go :)

[strrykais]

you couldn't sleep, tossing and turning around in your shared sleeping bag. huffing out turning to face away from hyungseo you let out another exhale of air. hearing shuffling from behind you, you feel his arms wrapped around you, hyungseo nuzzling his face in between your neck, leaving a soft kiss.

"what's wrong baby?" he asks hands rubbing the skin under your shirt.

"sorry did i wake you?" you say turning to shift onto your back facing him.

"no, i was still up. are you sure you are okay?" he asks pulling you into him.

"im fine really, i just can't sleep." you say sighing.

after what feels like forever you let hyungseo's slow breathing lull you into slumber. the soft buzzing of your phone jolts you awake, you fumble around looking for you device, finally finding it. turning it over you see jisung name on the caller id.

rushing out the sleeping bag, you make your way out the front of the tent. rubbing your eyes you answer the call, when you are safely away from the tent.

"jisung?" you say over the laughter you hear in the back. you know it was haechan and mark, you could always tell when it was them laughing.

"yn.." his soft voice rings out on the other side. "did i wake you?"

"well it is 12 in the morning, is everything okay?" you say heart pounding worried he was hurt.

"im fine, we just got back from a party. but i saw a shooting star and i thought of you." you hear rustling in the back and a soft click of a door. you assume he made it to his room.

"did you make a wish?" you ask looking up at the star filled sky. the light breeze causing goosebumps on your skin.

"yes, but i cant tell you." he comments before you could even ask.

"well yeah you cant tell me or it wont come true." you give him a small laugh.

"i miss your voice, i miss you." he says his voice, so soft.

"are you drunk? ill be home tomorrow night. so ill see you monday." a sad smile on your lips, knowing he cant see it.

"too far away, come home faster. or my wish can't come true." his sleepy voice taking over the speaker. you start to yawn, feeling sleepy yourself.

"what does your wish have to do with me?" you say through another yawn.

"everything." he says with no other explanation the other side of the line quiet.

"hello? jisung? did you fall asleep?" you say pulling the phone from your ear trying to see if you guys got disconnected. but before you can call out to him. hyungseo voice rings out.

"yn? what are you doing? i was looking for you." you quickly turn ending the call, hyungseo comes up to you taking off his jacket and placing it on you.

"its cold out here lets go back to the tent. who were you on the phone with." he ask as he grabs your hand leading you both back to your shared tent.

"oh sana, they got back from a party and she was wondering where the medicine was." you weren't sure why you lied, he knew you and jisung were friends. but you felt he might not have liked the real conversation you actually had.

lie with you - caught at midnight

previous | masterlist | next

a/n : sorry for the late update :(

tags : @onlyhyunjin @nctjunie @sunghoonsgfreal @neozon3nha @mystverse @multifandomania

[icyhottodo]

... you're sick | reo mikage

genre: comfort, fluff, a bit of angst ig? | paring: reo x gn reader

summary: reo finds out that you're sick. 

warnings: reader is sick, reader faints once, reader tries to avoid reo but it doesn't work, a bit of unsanitary stuff lol

wc: 1.1k

nini’s notes: i know koreans celebrate anniversaries by 100 days, but im not sure about japanese. this was extremely self-indulgent bc im sick rn ( ;´ - `;) also, im sorry if this was bad, i’ll proofread it when i get better. ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

allergy season. you hate it. waking up in the middle of the night feeling like you couldn’t breathe and sneezing constantly. instantly, you knew that you were going to become sick in the upcoming days. after you blew your nose into a napkin that you took, you sighed, remembering the date you and reo had planned weeks before this. along with that, you two were in a fairly new relationship, so this was your first time being sick, worried how reo would react to this.

how are you going to tell reo about this? a headache started to form quickly. slowly, but surely, you grabbed your phone to text reo that you sadly wouldn’t be able to meet up with him tomorrow.

(y/n): reo, smth came up

(y/n): i can't go on that date tmr 

(y/n): sorry reo

sniffling because of your nose, you put the phone back on the bedside table. ignoring the persistent buzzing on your phone and the headache pounding even more, trying to force yourself to sleep. you felt bad for suddenly canceling the date with reo, the date planned was supposed to be cute. you two were supposed to be going to an amusement park for your 100th-day anniversary, and reo told you there would be surprises later on that day.

a few minutes later, after being unable to sleep, you could hear keys jingling along with some ruffling of plastic bags outside your door. thinking that the noise was your neighbor trying to open their home, you didn't pay any mind to it until you heard your door unlock. but you were so drowsy and dizzy that you weren’t able to do anything or even process it. you start to pull yourself up from your bed to see who it is.

"love?" was that reo’s voice? the voice, whom you thought was reo, sounded so distant, and with the white noise in your ear, you couldn’t tell it was your boyfriend. with each step you take, you become more lightheaded. the white noise was getting louder and louder. until you blacked out.

you could hear reo’s muffled, yet still panicked voice saying something along the lines of the nickname reo has given you until he said your actual full name. as he dropped some plastic bags onto the floor, shaking you, and calling your name continuously.

when you come to, you feel the comfort of your bed. you were sluggishly turning your head to the side, and you saw your purple-headed boyfriend running his hand through your scalp. next to him were the plastic bags you noticed before you blacked out. you wondered what they could be.

"love!" reo exclaimed, causing you to turn your eyes back to the man you love dearly. you can hear the relief in his tone. "you could've told me that you were feeling sick. you were burning up when i reached for you!"

"sorry reo. i didn’t want to get you sick. plus, i don’t want you to go out of your way to take care of me." you felt guilty; if reo stays here to take care of you, he might gain from your illness. and you wouldn't want reo to be in pain like you were feeling at the moment.

"well, i’m not going anywhere. i would be a bad boyfriend if i let you suffer alone." reo winked at you as he got under the covers with you. you rolled your eyes at reo’s flirtatious action. "plus, you would take care of me when i got sick, right?"

"of course, reo." you wrap your arms around your boyfriend, who feels extremely cold to you. your boyfriend’s presence makes you sleepier and sleepier until dreamland reaches you. reo’s hand is still running smoothly through your scalp.

you would wake up because of reo’s movements a few hours later. he was trying to get out of bed. your hold on reo becomes slightly tighter. "mm, i don't want to let you go, reo."

"love. last night, i got you your favorite soup because i thought you were sad about something. until you fainted. you need to eat something. let me warm it up, then i’ll be right back." he said grabbing the plastic bag you were wondering about a bit ago.

you would let him go after a few more persuasions, and he would return a few minutes later with a steaming hot bowl of your favorite soup, placing it on the bedside table. reo sits down and puts the bowl on his lap before grabbing a spoonful of the soup and placing his hand under the spoon so the liquid wouldn't drop onto the bed. "says aaa."

"you don't need to feed me, reo." you giggle, from your boyfriend. nonetheless, opening your mouth for reo to spoon-feed you, knowing that reo would deny any other way for you to eat.

after an endless amount of being fed the soup, there was finally nothing left. you felt full, but your stomach felt warm from the warm soup. he also gave you some medicine after setting the now-empty bowl away. (he ordered it while you were asleep, knowing that you wouldn't let him get out of bed.)

"thank you, reo, for taking care of me," you mumble sleepily once again, leaning onto reo’s chest like a cat. being sick makes you sleepy, reo noted.

"of course, my love. anything for you," he said lovingly, before falling asleep with you on his body. it was uncomfortable for him to be sleeping while sitting up, but he didn’t want to move you. like if you were a pet that fell asleep on him.

the next day, you woke up feeling a lot better than the day before, but still feeling a bit stuffy. but not pass-out worthy.

‘achoo.’ you heard reo sneeze from where he was sleeping.

"reo…  you're sick."

[deduction-substitute]

Hello mx Lucky guy poster can you show me the sacred texts (please explain misty mountains lore I want to know more about it /nf!)

Im so sorry im about to fuck this up because these shitheads have so many points of view of what they BELIEVE to be the truth and im too stupid

SO. Ill try to get into the important bits. Im so so sorry in advance

August was in a field trip with his other club members, Fernan and Moebius, but unfortunately got stuck in the fog

Bai Ze and Master Yin Yang have already expected his arrival due to them being in a loop, though theyre the only ones who remember anything.

Bai Ze is protecting a scroll thats passed down in her family, and she also has this altar lamp, but Master Yin Yang is conspiring with the mirror demon to get it; in return he will help the mirror demon escape the mountain. This is through the mirror demon assuming August's identity

There were three rules Bai Ze set in place to keep August safe but he was stupid/lh So he broke all of them. During this he also meets Paddle, a rosewood paddle who is now a spirit, and Crane, the embodiment of a copper crane who used to be Censer's subordinate

There was this fucking Battle of Changchuan but i dont?? Understand it?? I only know that the people included were Bai Ze, Censer, Crane and this "Three-headed one" but i have no fucking idea who thats supposed to be. There was an arrow that couldve gotten Bai Ze but Paddle took the hit, so he's very fragile now.

August meets Censer, embodiment of a Boshan Censer, who is also conspiring with Master Yin Yang but he's being manipulated. He tells August the "truth" that Bai Ze has trapped them all in the mountain and he tells him to rip off these talismans or whatever before this Ghost Festival to strengthen him (???????)

August has also been sleepwalking, taking off talismans because of Master Yin Yang's bell, I believe? It can control people with the sound

He meets Cierge, who is not of sound mind!! She has these dreams that seem to "foresee the future," but in the end its speculated that its memories from past loops which made her turn insane...she tells August to get the altar lamp so both of them can leave but Crane is like?? HEY why do you want to leave with him but not ME!! I also want to leave to see the outside!!

Anyways its almost Ghost Festival time so Censer tells August to rip off the talismans already so he does! But then stops and goes "you a fake ass mf 😭😭" and throws the boshan censer into the water. Censer cant move his vessel in his current state, so he decides "if im going down youre going down with me!!!" and grabs August's hand to tear off a talisman

What a romantic 😍 Holding hands...

August is like!?!?!? BAI ZE STOP HIDING THE TALISMANS R GOING TO GET DESTROYED!! She comes out of hiding and overpowers Censer, who PUSHES AUGUST INTO THE FUCKING WATER. While Bai Ze rushes to save him, Censer rips off the last talisman. What happens to him? "Any non-human creature which tears off a talisman by force will turn into dust."

Theres two endings to this!!

August wakes up and finds out Paddle rescued him, but the spirit unfortunately perished. He's given the altar lamp to get out but the light slowly starts to dim and he sees Master Yin Yang again

He figures out that Bai Ze and Master Yin Yang knew more than they let on and that theyre in a loop, showing that he's smarter than people give him credit for. He finds out Fernan and Moebius arent his club members and that his full name is August Fernan Moebius.

Master Yin Yang picks up the altar lamp, deems this loop another failure, and we're back to the beginning! August is fortunately alive but still stuck in the loop

Now, the mirror demon ending is what you get if you dont raise affinity with Paddle. This time Crane is the one who rescues him and Paddle is still alive, and "August" figures out that he should leave before tomorrow night's Ghost Festival

"August" meets with Master Yin Yang and gives him the altar lamp, which can disperse the fog and guide him to this mountain cave that has?? Scrolls?? OR WHATEVER?? Then the mirror demon finally leaves as "August"

There was something about a mountain god that was being sealed, which could possibly be the reason behind the fog, but im not too sure about that....

Sorry, I went haywire and Im not able to explain properly further than this...you can see the quality go downhill...im so sorry..

If anyone can better explain or correct me if i said something wrong...please do..

[ohem1111]

just some ramble-y updates

some sims related and some not. non-sims stuff will be below cut off 😎

sims related:

so i DID find my most recent just dessert legacy save so that will start back up soon! i did have some things just about ready to post but decided to hold off in case the save was lost lol obviously i still had a back up from when she was a child so worst comes to worse i could have caught back up but i would have been missing the new sims i made and the new house (that i had already rebuilt once since my cat unplugged my pc mid build)

also i did end up starting to write my own challenge and i feel like i did so much yesterday. i might end up making a discord way off into the future if anyone is interested in giving feedback or anything once it is actually more solid and refined a bit. i think i might wait until the life and death pack comes out because im interested to see what could be included in a specific gen that i have in mind. i might ramble some more about it another day but im really excited about it.

not sims related:

the wild robot movie was so good and i cried like 3 different times, i don’t know why i am so emotionally attached to the story (i do know, im mentally ill LOL) but regardless i recommend it.

like a week or so ago i pulled a muscle in my back/shoulder but on friday i tried lifting again and made it wayyyy worse so ive been in so much pain lately, not fun. i am kinda feeling ok right now though as long as im not moving too much

right now as i am typing this im waiting for a video for work to finish exporting so that i can get on the sims but so far its already taken over 2 hours and it has approximately an hour an a half of export time left which i hope is a lie since i need to wake up early tomorrow. i literally just realized its not even 8pm yet but im already exhausted from waking up at 6 this morning and not going back to bed. i just want to play a little bit of sims today since i haven’t at all.

tomorrow morning my boyfriend is taking me to cvs to pick up meds and out to breakfast as long as i am up early enough to do all of that and get back home before my monday morning work meeting 🫠 there is this small local chain coffee shop where i live that has the best breakfast food. they updated their menu u over the summer and added cinnamon bun pancakes and they are incredible so i’m looking forward to it lol

also complimentary freya picture for reading all of that lol i hope you all are having a good day 💚

[lilioopdf]

success story!!

i never ever post success stories but this one’s for me to remember because ive manifested lots and lots of stuff before but this one actually makes me the happiest

okay so my earbuds (right one, specifically) stopped working randomly one night and i was so miserable about it like ive changed so many earbuds and headphones before but these ones were my actual favourites and i didn’t even notice until one side stopped working. basically it would still charge in and out of the case and stuff but when i took it out it wouldn’t turn on or anything and none of my devices could find or connect to it at all.

the night they broke i quickly read a success story about someone manifesting their earbuds to start working again after they got put in the washing machine to motivate myself before i went to bed and i just kept repeating things like how grateful i was that they started working again, that they sound better than they ever have, that im so grateful these earbuds lasted so long and how much i love them. to be fair i was committed to repeating them but when i was falling asleep i still had random little thoughts like “please please please if this doesn’t work i hope i don’t wake up tomorrow” because i really didn’t want to travel with one-sided (?? 😭😭) music.

spoiler alert: they were, unfortunately, still not working in the morning, and i woke up and was forced to live through that

and i was MISERABLE because i listen to music like all the time and i physically do not know what to do if i’m not listening to music and daydreaming so i was miserable on the way to school and i took the longer route home to get new earbuds.

and these new earbuds are really good, a really popular and well known brand, more modes to try, longer battery life and everything— but they were not my earbuds. my old earbuds were from a swedish brand and they were literally perfect to me okay the audio was perfect, the size is smaller than most earbuds ive used which was perfect for me, and like idk the design and everything was matte and not shiny, which i preferred. and i was also so used to the controls and everything.

but okay anyway

i even emailed the support centre for my warranty even though i’m terrified of stuff like this and they replied and i was already in the process of claiming my warranty when i took them out of their case and they randomly started working again. it was a little weird because they were out of sync which was unexpected but i just did a quick factory reset and they were perfect again (although i do have to email the person and tell them im sorry they started working again which is UGSHSHSHSHS im so scared 😓😓 but ill take this over broken earbuds any day)

things to note:

ive been intentionally manifesting a lot of things for really long, but even i had some doubts when manifesting. but ive always been really optimistic and hopeful too— i used to be really pessimistic and depressed about a lot of things in life but i realised that i still have to get through certain things regardless of what i feel so i thought i might as well try to be happy about it. so i would check the earbuds frequently and randomly be like omg what if they start working again, and they eventually did.

[youredreamingofroo]

a bit of a message talking about inactivity and my possible hiatus. I dont know if this counts as a cw but i talk about depression here and there at the beginning (nothing graphic) and as usual, its a rant

im gonna be straight honest rn, i'm probably not gonna be active on tumblr for these next few days, ive been super up and down depressed and im just unmotivated and too tired to do anything, im still gonna check in here and there but dont expect me to reblog or reply to many posts, if at all. This could mark the beginning of a hiatus, but with mood swings and up and down depression, i could be back, active as ever tomorrow. Ever since ive uninstalled Sims 4, i did feel a weight lift off my shoulders, but simultaneously made me depressed due to the lack of... well... doing something, i dont... really know how to put it into words, its just something in my brain that i just cant explain, i guess a good way to put it is playing sims 4 gave me the motivation to stem off into other mediums, blender for example, gave me something to do, something to learn, and while i can still use blender, i just get progressively slower and slower at doing stuff in it because of my limited resources, some scenes i want to do require specific outfits and i dont have the facilities to make those outfits... i mean i probably do but i just dont feel motivated to do all that. I still play other games, ive been playing a lot of slime rancher 2 and have been trying to branch out to other games (indie games and bigger games), I want to post gameplay but if youve seen me rant about tumblr before, one of my biggest gripes is just how fucking annoying it is to upload images, so i just get completely unmotivated to post images/gameplay especially if its just some silly post. if uh if anyone is still reading this, ill be honest, i havent even been motivated to write about WAS at all, probably havent touched the planning doc in about 2 weeks. This... 'spiral'... has been noticeable for me for the last week as my sleep schedule gets swapped around from sleeping at night and awake during the day... to sleeping during the day and awake at night, this is all my fault, but its also just something that happens rotationally for me, i go from sleeping VERY early in the evening (6PM at the earliest) and waking at VERY early times in the morning (4AM at the latest) to sleeping VERY late in the morning (6AM at the earliest) and waking up late in the evening (3PM at the latest), i dont really know what causes the shift, but it happens, and i often blame myself for it even though i dont know what causes it...

anyways sorry, this will probably mark a very iffy hiatus, like i said ill be active but not... super active, i didnt check tumblr at all yesterday/monday, so thats kind of the pattern to expect from me depending on the day. In the meantime... i might try to get back into older sims games, ive mentioned this before, but i do have sims 1 on my laptop so maybe ill post stupid little gameplay posts from there (granted i havent played in like... a month 😐). I'll probably put up a poll after this post for people to vote on which sims game i should play- i KNOW i did it once before but im probably gonna do it again cuz i cant find the post and i have over 1000 posts 😭

if you read thus far, thank you for sticking around, if your a random person who read this for no reason... thanks? if your a follower of mine and cant understand where im coming from with this lengthy post, see yourself out or deal with it 🙃 otherwise, thank you all and i will be lurking about

[be-steddie-myheart]

secret relationship steddie hiding from the party until they slowly find out one by one

~~okay i havent written anything in a while so im sorry if this isnt that good but here ya go!~~

Steve fell for Eddie pretty fast after Vecna was taken care of. After him, Dustin and the girls dragged his bloodied and broken body out of the upside down, Steve started visiting Eddie in the hospital. Not sure what the tight feeling in his chest was, or why he was pleading, begging, for him to wake up and look at Steve. When that day finally came Steve felt like he could kiss Eddie! Eddie was alive, Eddie was going to be okay, Eddie helped defeat Vecna. A few months after Eddie woke up, and him and Steve got closer, he finally did kiss him, and Eddie kissed him back.

It’s nearing the end of the Summer of ‘86 and Steve and Eddie have been in a peaceful, blissful little bubble of secret romance. To the party, they’re just bros being bros, but to themselves in the cover of nightfall or eddies cozy trailer or Steves big empty house theyre boyfriends. Boyfriends. Steve still couldnt wrap his head around it, but knowing that the sweet little kisses peppered all around his face and the strong arms cuddling him from behind were all his to cherish made it absolutely okay that no one suspected a thing. That is until their shared little shitbird child, Dustin, started asking too many questions.

It started off innocent enough, Dustin bursting through the doors of Family Video, “STEVE! I need a ride to the arcade tomorrow, im GOING TO beat Maxs’ high score on dig dug, i can feel it.”

“Sorry bud but i am busy busy tomorrow, I have a shift here, and then I have to take my car to the mechanic, its making an awful clicking sound, and then ive got a doct..”

“Jesus okay, a simple no would have sufficed”

“It really wouldnt have.” Steve said, sarcastically.

Dustins whole face lit up as he said, “thats okay ill just ask Eddie!” before turning heel and running to the door, Steve swearing he saw a cloud of dust following him he went so fast.

“Youre busy too?! What the hell man?! Whats the point of having two older friends with cars if i cant get rides from them?!” Dustin yelled a little too loud in Eddies little trailer.

“Sorry dude, ive gotta help Wayne out around the house, probably gonna take all day and night.” Eddie said with a smile forming on his face. Tomorrow, Steve had told Eddie to keep the whole entire 24 hours free, as he planned something cheesy, romantic and that would probably make Eddies heart swell a million times bigger.

“Ugh! whatever ill just ride my bike!” Dustin exclaimed.

“Its good to exercise!” Eddie called out the door as Dustin stomped off.

Mike and Dustin were sitting in the basement at Mikes house complaining about having no ride to the arcade the next day.

“Have you noticed how Steve and Eddie are always busy at the same time lately? Do you think theyre hanging out together without us?” Mike asks.

“Yeah you know, now that you say something it does seem like that. They didnt even know each other before us! You’d think they would be more grateful!” Dustin exclaims.

“Eddie, baby, come on in.” Steve smiles as he opens the door to his house. Once Eddie is inside it doesnt feel so empty. So cold.

“So what do you have planned for us, sweetheart?” Eddie asks, voice low, clearly excited to get the plans in action.

“Well i figured we could do some barbecuing together, skinny dip in the pool, watch the sunset and then lay under the stars,” Steve takes Eddies hand and leads him into the living room to the couch, “but right now i just really need to kiss you.” Steve spins Eddie around and gently pushes him onto the couch before crawling into his lap and planting his knees firmly on either side of Eddies waist. Steves arms drape over Eddies shoulder as their lips connect. Steve flicks his tongue out trace Eddies pouty bottom lip and Eddie opens his mouth to let Steve in. The kiss is passionate and hot and heavy and pretty soon both boys are frantically tearing at each others clothes. They try to get Steves shorts off without him having to give up his seat on Eddies lap and bump heads, giggling, as they get back into exploring each others mouths like its the first time again.

“I knew Eddie was going to be here! I knew they were hanging out without us, those jerks.” Dustin says as he hops off his bike and lets it fall into Steves front yard, Mike coming up right behind him. “Im catching them in the act of having fun without us.” He said smugly as he bursts through the front door. “Aha! Assho- OH MY GOD!”

Steve startles and jumps off of eddies lap, hiding himself behind the couch while Eddie grabs a pillow and covers his lap.

“What the actual fuck Henderson?!” Eddie exclaims. Mike walks in at that moment.

“Oh dude were you guys kissing?! Gross youre like my parents.” He said with a disgusted groan.

“Are you guys dating?” Dustin asks at the same time.

Steve holds his finger towards the boys, “First of all, its not gross because we literally are not your parents and second of all,” he looks down at Eddie, who is already looking up at him, giving him the go ahead with his eyes, “yes we are dating. But please dont tell anyone else, its still kinda new and we dont want a bunch of people knowing.”

Steve makes Dustin and Mike pinky swear they wont tell anyone what they saw. They also get a ride to the arcade by a grumpy Steve Harrington and a giggly Eddie Munson.

Two days later, at Eddies trailer, Steve is preparing breakfast for the two after a lovely night spent together.

“Kiss the chef, eh? Dont mind if i do.” Eddie giggles and gives Steve a chaste little kiss on the lips, “smells delicious sweetheart, I cant wait to eat.”

Steve smiles at the compliment and now he cant wait for Eddie to try what hes making.

The bext trailer over, El rips the blindfold down from her eyes as they almost bulge out of her skull.

“What?! Was Steve with a girl?!” Max asks frantically, the makeshift spin board with everyones names on it between them.

“No, Steve is at Eddies house and he is kissing him and making him breakfast” El says with a hint of surprise in her voice.

“No way.” Max gets up and goes to leave her trailer with El following closely behind her. They dont even knock on Eddies door, they just slam it open as Steve and Eddie jump apart from each other.

“What the hell is up with you twerps and not fucking knocking on doors?!” Steve yells.

“El saw you guys kissing so we had to come over and see if if it was really happening. Gross by the way.” Max said.

“Maybe dont spy on people if you dont want to be grossed out” Eddie laughed.

Lucas and Will found out the next day because Lucas wanted to get some basketball tips from Steve and Will tagged along because, come on, its Steve Harrington, who doesnt wanna look at that. After the boys apologized for the precarious situation they were found in, Will stayed behind after Lucas started to leave.

“Im really happy for you guys” Will spoke softly.

Eddie ruffles his hair, “thanks baby Byers, anytime you wanna talk you know you can come to us” Will thanked him and left before Lucas got curious as to why he wasnt following.

Robin and Nancy walked in on a hot and heavy makeout sesh at a party at the Hoppers-Byers household.

“Im surprised but im happy for you guys! you seem to fit well together” Nancy smiled after the inital awkwardness was over. She looked expectedly at Robin.

“Oh yeah i totally did not, didnt know you guys were together. What a complete shock but im- im happy for you” Robin spit out quick, knowing she was the only one who knew because she helped Steve through his bi-panic when we he realized he wanted to kiss Eddie.

At that same party, Steve and Eddie were interrupted again by a very high Argyle and Jonathon.

“You guys are cute. Know where we can go make-out?” Argyle asked while Jonathon blushed.

[zebulontheplanet]

Hey just found your blog and thought we where kind of similar idk. How do you deal with hopelessness as a disabled person? I sometimes feel like I shouldn't wake up tomorrow because everyone knows I'll be dead by 20. Do you have any advice?

Hey there anon.

This is a really tough subject and I struggled with this for a really long time, and still do.

Medication helped me a lot. I had really bad depressive episodes where all I could think about were my chronic illnesses and other disabilities. These depressive episodes started out from being regular depression to full on long depressive episodes where I wouldn’t even leave the house. This isn’t normal, and getting on the right medication to fight my depressive moods was one of the best things I did for myself. I know this isn’t everyone’s solution, and I totally understand if medication isn’t the route you want to go down. I’m just saying what helped me personally.

What also helped me was acceptance. I was in such deep depression but also denial about everything. So acceptance helped a ton with realizing that yes, this is my life, this is my struggle, but I can’t let it control my life forever.

A big thing that also helped me was reaching out to the community. Im very active on online chat platforms, specifically Discord and tumblr. Although you should be reaching out to in real life support groups, online is a good place to start as well! Finding the right people and support systems helped me so much. Finding people that related to my struggles and building friendships off that is amazing.

These are the main things that helped me, I’m not going to go into more detail as I could ramble on and on about these things, but overall, reaching out, medication, and acceptance helped me so much. I hope you find what is good for you and works for you! If you have anymore questions then feel free to ask.

Have a nice day anon!

[tony-gunks-italian-pizzeria]

Chapter Two: Family Issues.

The next morning, Todd wakes up without any recollection of how he ended up where he seemed to be. He was hanging by his feet, they were tied with a rope. Looking around he noticed that he had been hanging from a meat hook. In front of him were those same bags from the day before, at the end of the line still hung the dog's bag. Todd shuffled and swung until he was free, crashing onto the cold ground. Todd noticed something else, he couldnt feel how cold the freezer was.

Knocking sounded on the iron door, shave and a haircut. It stopped and the door swung open, “Two clips! How's it hanging?? Eh? Oh you're on the floor.” Tony shouts excitedly, turning into a somber realization. “Did you kidnap me and put me in the freezer??” Todd inquires angrily. “Sure did, kid.” Tony says proudly. “Now here's the deal.” Hid demeanor changed, “You and me, we cant leave the building during the day, so im putting you on drain duty. I'll have a new shipment of sauce this afternoon. Hop to the register for now though!” Tony smiles and leave the freezer, shutting the door behind him.

“Wait how do i-? Crap.” Todd mumbles before getting up and starting toward the door.

Gunk waits at the register as the morning customers start rolling in and asking for their usual version of Tony's breakfast pizza and coffee. He and Todd trade places and he heads for the kitchen. Todd feels eyes on him the entire morning, any time he would look over his shoulder, Tony's kind yet sharp eyes would pierce his very soul. If Todd even had one of those any more.

Noon comes, the store is empty say for Todd, Tony and two other employees. Tony yells from the kitchen, “Hey, employee of the month! I gotta go catch the newest shipment, I'll be back very soon.” Tony smirks and leaves through the back.

Tony glides through his cities alleys. Above the homeless citizens and druggies. He thinks his vice superior to theirs, he is just as dependant on his own, however. Tony chuckles at the coincidence. He perches on a rooftop, silent as a mouse, to watch a young lady stroll by the dinghy area they find themselves in. Swooping down without a sound Tony announces his presence as to not scare the girl.. more.

“Good evening,” Tony giggles slightly at the cliche. “Oh my go-” the woman gasps, “oh hey!”

“Hey?” Tony questions

“Yeah hey, you're the guy from the commercials.” She chuckles.

“Yes i am! Have ya stopped by yet?” He asks.

“Noo, but its my list.” They walk side by side before the main street ahead.

“How about we go now?” Tony offered.

“Erhm i dont know, ive got places to be at the moment. Tomorrow?” She lends a compromise.

“No, I insist.” Tony says, his tone calmer, relaxing.. He inches closer.

A scream, lets loose throughout the streets and alleys of New York.

Todd looks through the window, its dark, the sun has mostly set over the horizon. He figures it a better time than any to make an escape and maybe, hopefully find a phone or police station. What he's been witness to is pure evil, and he craves from the bottom of his soul to stop it.

“Where ya headed off to? Hehe.” A rough heavy accent calls from the kitchen, the back door shutting loudly.

“I uhm, i need fresh air. Ive been inside for a whole day almost, uh boss.” Todd squeaks.

“You couldnt be more transparent than if ya looked in a mirror. Booyah, reflection jokes all day.” Tony laughs.

“I would be super grateful, Tony, let me outside.” Todd pleads. Tony simply snaps his fingers as two hooded men come out of the back, “Restrain him, im havin a night on the town. I deserve it after all my hard work on the supply run. Ill be back soon boys.”

“Tony pleas-” Todd his knocked to the ground and dragged back into the freezer.

Tony strolls the late night streets. A cool breeze pushes his cape from his cloaked body. Tony feels like he's finally on top of the world. His plans are working out one after another and he gets to have fun while he's at it. What more could he ask for. Amongst the missing dog posters on a street post is a missing person poster. Underneath the picture of Syrup, the dog Tony had taken for the pizza, reads, “Missing Person: Richard Kind, height: 5'11, hair: black, etc, etc. If you have any tips or happen to find him or his body please call:” Tony recognized the number, it belonged to his sister.

The next morning, Tony sits in his office, his eye on the freezer door and his fingers over the dial button. He sighs with a, “Why do ya make things so complicated Tony? Agh fuck it.” He presses dial, the phone rings. And rings. And rings. Finally, “Hello? Who is this?” a feminine voice asks. A gentle, opposite sounding voice responds, “Heya sis, its uh- me. Guess i have some explaining ta do-”

“You bet your balding ass ya do!” She yells

“Heyy. First off, im not balding anym-” he interjects

“I dont care, Rich! Thats not what i wanna hear explained right now! I want to know where you've been the passed four months! This isnt like you not to at least call, you always check in. I swear- you've got Papa worried sick!”

“Erm uh- *ahem* Listen sis, can we meet at my place? Ill have more time to clear it up then.” Tony suggests.

“That sounds good. How about noon?” She asks

“Sorry Sam uh- how about tonight when i get off work?” Tony replies

“Fine Rich.” Samantha hangs up. Tony sits back and with his voice returned, with a sigh says, “Boy.. I'm stressed.”

[tears-of-boredom]

i want to be dead. but you know, in that passive way where its just kind of a fact. im pretty sure its just my womanly hormones talking but i really dont see myself ever getting out of this mud. metaphorical mud i mean. im like laying in mud, and sometimes i manage to stand up,, but you know, im still standing in it, and covered in it. and eventually i fall back down. you know i seemingly really like to make up stupid metaphors. i have no idea why, maybe it makes me feel smart.

im tired. tomorrow i have a driving lesson. my first one. ever. im not really worried for myself, i just feel like the teacher is going to be dissapointed in me or something.

ive been having annoying dreams. in the last one i was smoking with my sibling and i talked to them about how ive been having so many dreams where ive smoked. i hate that my dreams do that. reference other dreams as if they arent dreams themselves. makes it harder to wake up ya know. i wish id have a positive dream for once. amybe one about moving on my own and getting away from this family finally. or more like just getting away from mom. shes literally the only one i want to be away from.

ive been decorating my room. setting up shelves and buying trinkets from kontti. it kind of halted because i couldnt figure out why our nail gun wasnt accepting the nails i was putting in it, and then i couldnt find any other kind. and i didnt want to ask mom for help. and also i decided to do the net thing, which is the main thing, cuz ill hang shit from it. i guess i could hammer a hook into the wall for a painting...but the point was that ive been thinking about the fact that if i wanna move before im 18, all this decoration ive been planning wont have the opportunity to be up for that long. but also that was the reason that ive literally never felt comfortable decorating my room, even when the ones that were completely my own. and i decided that this time im not gonna make that mistake and just decorate if i want to, no thinking about how itll have to be taken down eventually.

anyways im just really sad, and i visited my sister recently and i was really close to crying just because her apartment seemed so safe and so much like it was hers. and i like really want that for myself. and im just sad. and i dont wanna go to the driving lesson tomorrow. not because i dont wanna go to the lesson itself, but because i feel like ill be like at my worst, and thus wont get that much out of it.

i really want to get out of this house. when we were moving, there was like two weeks where me and my brother spent the nights at this new apartment, while mom slept at the old one, just because our trips to school would be much shorter. and those two weeks felt like heaven honestly. i didnt even realise why i felt so good and happy, until mom started sleeping here as well, and all the joy drained from me in an instant.

i dont know how to express to the adults in my life how much i want to live on my own. because im just a child. a fifteen year old child. and living with a different adult wont work. it has to be alone. i can promise you that when i fucking get that apartment, no matter how small or shitty, i will cry tears of happiness and relief.

im hesitant to even type these words but: maybe i should talk to my mom about this. just tell her that i really want to move out. no feeling-sharing needed.

i wanna go skydiving without a parachute. soar through the air for the first and last time in my life.

i wish i could fly. ive wished that for a long time. i remember wishing it ever vacation i had to spend up north. and everytime i spent a recess alone in the school yard.

i hate that im crying just because im menstruating. it makes me feel like my emotions arent true. not like i trust my emotions to be true any other fucking time.

why is life like this. why do so many people get to live so easy lives and then i have to do this shit.

ohhkay i just felt the urge to go get a knife so im not going to feed my own anger.

im tired.

its weird because i do dissociate clearly, but its always more liek just, my body seems weird, and it feels realy creepy how my body just moves when i want it to. and i feel like im just watching through someone elses eyes. it cant be me whos so good at typing. im clumsy, i struggle with guitar chords and mute the wrong strings. why are my hands so soft. it feels really gross to be in this body. but still, in the back of my head i know that im ust making this all up in my head. because who the fuck else is this. of course its my finger that are typing my thoughts out.

even my fucking ring looks weird and foreign.why does my skin have a texture. why are humans os fucking gross.why do i have to feel things.

oh my god im driving myself into a fucking meltdown right down im going to force myself to stop.

[archer3-13]

SO! went out and actually got my hands on an engage physical copy. played through the first lil bit. thought id start up an internal reblog chain for myself here on thoughts on the game!

opening:

very abrupt but it goes hard on the music even if the visuals feel somewhat noncommittal and incoherent. in fact ill add right off the bat that the music here SLAPS HARD! like holy shit is it good.

title is in that kinda static manner a lot of title are these days.

prologue:

im playing on normal for a first run, cause i like to get a handle on what the developers are designing the bare basics of the game around. ie, the experience they assume most people are going to undergo when playing the game. idk, first impressions and all that.

anyways! prologue is doing the fe awakening thing of a flash forward [?] with a fight against scary bad man though instead of evil sorcerer were apparently fighting the fell dragon of this game itself. WHO WEARS NO SHIRT AND IS THEREFORE SUPERIOR TO GRIMNA BY DEFAULT!

its fine for what it is, the hook of the story and a quick run down on basic move attack mechanics. we even get to 'engage' and use an engage skill!

that said, i feel it misses the mark on what was effective about awakening paralogue. to clarify off the bat here, awakening is on the lower end of fe games for me personally, so when i say it misses the mark i really do mean it. awakenings paralogue setup worked by building a lot of dread and tension, oppressive music and atmosphere, the pre fight cg throwing us right in the action in a frantic and somewhat grim fight, the dramatic tragic twist with shishchrombob and a jarring evil laughter to play us off.

engage raises questions like awakenings, but thats all it really does. raise questions, otherwise being kinda flacid in atmosphere comparatively.

ch 1

which brings us to ch 1! alear wakes up, meets the stewards, and then suddenly were on the ground! feels like we missed a transition here, cause i wasnt sure if we had been in the sky or not like the game insisted we had but hey. i can forgive it a bit here cause a] its not an essential transition and b] the following stuff in the chapter is real good!

zombies show up, the corrupted, to cause some ruckus and the twins get into a sticky situation we have to unstick them from. namely that we actually get a 'diagetic experience' as it were cause the twins are on the map getting attacked as we rush out to save em. the twins run ahead a bit, zombie enemy turn ambush spawn and we dip into a cutscene then a cg

on a side note, the in engine cutscenes are such a massive improvement over what we had before! theres the dialogue skit sections of course where we do the awkward stand and nod like mascots that plagued three houses [though not as bad in engages case], but also we get actual action sequences animated in engine! and they look pretty slick minus some clipping.

anyways, cg marth shows up to bedazzle us [hes so pretty...], and we get some engage buisness to deal with and to help illustrate how op it is we get to mulch a bunch of enemies! fun.

on another side note, map sizes along with mov ranges so far have been reduced from average. infantry has sat at 4 well vander the paladin has sat at a 6 mov. armours im guessing have 3 move well flyers have 4 and non promoted cavs have 5 as it follows the heroes model as it were. in fact a lot of the mechanics and interfaces feel very heroes inspired which... im not entirely against as heroes does do a lot of things right and expanding on what works there in a full fe setting sounds very delicious to me.

dragon mama shows up at the end to save us from some more enemy reinforcements and we get a nice little reunion cutscene still [also very nice], and moment in general. dragon mothers cloths clip like no tomorrow in engine but shes very pretty and her voice actress giver her a nice melodic quality that i find very calming.

on an aside, i was giggling like a maniac the entire later half of the battle map for ch1. its a very over the top sequence but it just feels so fun to watch and its delightful to see some over the top choreography in action.

characters at the moment!

the twins: could not remember their names at the moment as they are just 'the twins' that exist in all of fiction

vander: is uther. reminded me of uther lightbringer from warcraft 3 when i first saw him and his personality and portrayal just kinda reminds me of uther in general. uthers pretty cool though and vanders definitely endeared himself to me in just a handful of scenes. more so then the twins anyways.

lumenera: sweet and melodic as i mentioned. i feel like the twist of the story is going to be that alear is related to the fell dragon in some way [fell dragon going 'i am your father!' or somethin] and lumenera is either the fell dragons ex or tryin to just put alear on a better path. interested in seeing and learning more anyways, and i feel shes the most endearing early game slated to die mother figure so far thats become very common in modern fe storytelling. at time of writing this anyways.

alear: somewhat timid, obviously gonna have a story about learning to be bolder. they talk so its a step up from byleth regardless.

marth: speaking more then i thought he would. hasnt said much yet but as ever hes sweeping me off my feet for no reason other then i like him.

[leftovercigarettes]

Anyways ~ imma just rant what I think about this depersonalization disorder.

When I dissociate it's like I'm a copy of me. Now put me in a box, and there's two other boxes and in the last box is the original me and all my memories and in the middle box it's just like - a wall? A force field? Whatever. And I can't get to the last box no matter how hard I try until one day I just wake up and there's no boxes, no copy of me and suddenly I'm back in the game as ME.

And I don't remember shit clearly from being dissociated , it's like looking through thick fog and seeing the memory play behind it. And it's the same way when I'm dissociated. All the memories are behind this frosted glass that I can't see through.

I spend the majority of my life dissociated. And I can't even recall when I haven't because I'm dissociated right now.

AND I CAN'T EVER TELL THAT IM DISSOCIATED THE NEXT DAY. I GUARANTEE I WILL WAKE UP TOMORROW AND BE LIKE EVERYTHINGS FINE AND IN A FEW DAYS/WEEKS/MONTHS ILL COME TO AND BE LIKE "HOW THE FUCK DID WE GET HERE" LIKE I DID WHEN I WAS STILL DISSOCIATED AND GOT PROMOTED TWO YEARS AGO AND WOKE UP IN NOVEMBER LIKE WTF IS HAPPENING AND HOW DO I DO MY JOB

Which was wild asf btw to find out that if you learn something while you're dissociated, you will not know how to do it when you're NOT dissociated. That was an embarrassing phone call to my coworker with me being like "hey I have no idea what I'm doing" and she was confused bc I'd been closing by myself for over a month with no issues, so they had to re teach me and I felt like a complete fucking idiot about it.

Anyways,

I have felt many emotions, dissociated, then felt more emotions, then dissociated even further so imma go take a hydroxyzine and chain smoke til I'm tired and go to bed.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

[alergic-to-peeple]

Rant vent thing under the cut, I'm not sure what trigwarnings to put of there are any, hallucinations I guess maybe derealization, I don't know think this is a vent

I keep seeing things more often, they said not to tell anyone because the doctors will think im crazy and theyll put me in a hospital or somwthing, i , I keep seeing things and felling trings and im not sure whats real now, some of the things ill do to try and remain calm or distract myself stuff dont work as much now, ive felt something choking me, i feel the hands and the nails, the nails scratching my skin but theres nothing therw, i try to find marks of it, of any of the things that happen but its not there, I fell something pull me back by my hair like physically yank my hair but nothings there when i look for someonw, and some of thw things i see try get closer of more disturbing, I dont want to see or feel the things, when i sleep i see horrible things, the things make me want to scream, I want to scream, I dont want to see them hurt i dont want to see them killed that way and every time its like one of three or five situations that get worse every time I dream it and its like i dont want to see you hurt in these ways, i want to wake up but I cant, somethings not letting me wake up, the medicine was suposed to help, after like day 3 it stoped working as much but i still take it in hope itll work, tomorrow im getting another prescription with it hopefully itll work, i want to know whats wrong with me, I want to know how to get it to stop or not be as bad, like when i went to the doctor the other day the people looked horrified but were also betting on what would be wrong with me? the walls were very thin, I want to know whats wrong, why do I struggle towalk, why does everything get so bad I cant walk half the time, the things I see are so freaky looking its like out of a horror movie I guess, I dont want to see the things I see, not the things in my dreams, not the things I see when awake, I dont want to tell my irl friends about some of the things because I donr want to burden them, I believe burden is the right word, they have to deal with me and i feel bad that they do, they know about some of the stuff, they know I see and hear and feel things sometimes, they know little about the dreams, sometimes when I see the things when im awake u wonder if it means anything, sometimes the things will do things and I just sit there watching I cant stand the things i see the things do sometimes, im scared that theyll get bad enough to where ill struggle with whats real and fake more than I already do, im scared ill do something horrible without even knowing due to the fact that I didn't even know they weren't physically real in the beginning, will it affect how I see everything to where I won't even have control or knowledge over what I do? Will I end up doing something that hurts one of my friends without knowing it's one of them? I've accidentally hurt myself without knowing it, I was trying to cut a peice of cookie brownie thing and didn't realize I cut my hand till I saw the blood staining the cookie thing, it happened a couple years ago but it still haunts me bc if I hurt myself without realizing it then what does that mean I could end up doing to others without realizing