#like i was constantly guilty of so many things and i wasnt good at all

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

the agonies are getting to me tonight because i'm finally taking the steps to doing something i'm good at & have wanted to do since i was really young and my family couldn't care less about it, and it's just another harsh reminder of how Things are and how they'll always be.

it is so difficult to exist around other people who don't relate to this too. i mean like Growing up with serious serious emotional neglect. i've been dismissed, walked over, yelled at, emotionally tormented, abused, gaslit and humiliated my entire life by my family and even through all the convincing i've done for myself that their approval and their attention is the last thing i could ever want or need, i still NEED it so bad like i need fucking air or something! i think about my childhood self showing my mother a drawing, a sims house i built or a story i wrote or anything i did and only getting her criticism, and it's so small and silly, but the things i was always so proud of and wanted her to know about she could only tear apart, and then tell me i was overreacting and too sensitive anytime i confronted her on how she hurt my feelings.

it turns into the most ridiculous, soul-sucking cycle. because years and years of being shunned and shut down and the endless horrors lol of the years and years and yearrrrs passing me by Of having to shut myself down completely just to survive and where do i end up. right here. and right here is where theres no relationship with me and my family, because how could there be after all of that? i didn't see my dad for years and he never tried to protect me from what was going on or tried to reach out, or know me, my whole life i barely remember a conversation we could've had, or whether he cared about anything i liked growing up, or cared about me enough to talk to me about it. and my mothers emotional neglect and abuse left our relationship like this. and they don't know anything about me because of all this lol. at the end of the day my whole family says it's my fault that none of them can get close to me but how could they literally EVER ever ever get close to me after spending my whole entire LIFE avoiding knowing me. but it's my fault because i 'pushed them away' I will literally never heal from the years that were taken from me from the childhood that was taken from me From the person i couldve been had it not been for what my family did to me and i will never ever ever experience the love and attention other people get to experience I will never have proud parents

[sun-stricken]

Headcannons about sick!gray? Mine is that ice mages get sick really easily but he’s just great at hiding it until Lyon mentions it or something and suddenly the guild freaks out at a sniffle

Also don’t know if it’s any interest to you, but sometimes when I’m making fiction in my head I imagine gray is actually sick. Like when he does wear clothes they’re always tight around the middle, right? So what if being under all the rubble did something to his lungs/chest and so he needs the support sometimes

edit from like two hours after i responded, you asked me for my personal headcanons, but all i did was play on yours, so sorry 🙁

omg tysm for the ask, i love this

i agree that ice mages get sick easier than other mages, but also any mage whos magic effects their temperature fluctuation, (i might make a full post abt that later)

also i am dramatic and love to ramble, sorry if its too long!!

Gray is good at handling things himself, hes been taking care of himself for over a decade, itd be weird if he wasn’t

He takes care of others, looks after his guild-mates, maybe to pay off some sort of debt, or maybe because they dont take care of themselves (what a hypocrite)

he takes care of them, he doesn’t expect them to take on roles for him, didn’t expect them to take care of him; he did perfectly fine on his own, thank you very much

-Fairy Tail disagrees-

The moment Lyon started telling them horror stories about how often and how intense Gray got sick while learning magic, all hell broke loose, specifically, his team broke loose

Erza started grilling Lyon, how did he get sick, how often on average, why is it so easy, how did they help him as a kid, what do you mean he couldnt breathe? HISBODYCOULDNTWHAT???

(it felt all too familiar to a criminal interrogation)

Lucy fretted over Gray, eyes panicking trying to search for an illness that wasnt yet there, asking if he felt ill now, does he need water? should he sit down? why is he so red?

(why does she look so scared?)

Happy all but launched himself into Grays chest, crying about why he didnt tell them and other nonsensicals he could fully make out

Wendy popping in to say that while she cant heal illnesses she can help him any way she can, and maybe she cried just a little abt how she couldn’t help him fully

(a kid shouldnt be so stressed about not being able to help fix a problem that they didn’t make)

Natsu, now Natsu was pissed. Hes no stranger to being reckless and he knows it, but this wasn’t him, this was Gray; Gray who had always helped him through sicknesses and injuries, some of which the guild didnt even know of. why didnt he trust them to help him? why didnt he ever tell them anything? why didnt he figure it out?

it hurt. it really did.

(why isnt he trying to fight him? why isnt he yelling?

Gray stood there, red in the face and truly embarrassed, he didnt think it was that big of a deal and here they were, here was his guild, his family. vowing to take care of him from here on out.

He doesnt think hes ever felt so embarrassed, and guilty, and so loved all at once

also a foreboding, hes not sure why though

as it turns out, he was right to be cautious

days later he had a cold, a measly cold, he sniffled maybe once or twice, and he might’ve stumbled just a little, and all of a suddenly he was next to the guild fireplace, covered in too many blankets, a thermos in hand, and people constantly insisting on getting him things

he knew he shouldn’t have come today

although, they had every right to be worried, as it very quickly turned into pneumonia. lucky him

He was taken to the guild infirmary, his team right there with him

even through the chills, the too short and too fast breathing, the obnoxious heat in his whole body, and the ever so slight delirium creeping into his thoughts

he felt the hand atop his, felt the heavy weight of sharp eyes that miss nothing on him;

he felt the purring mini oven tucked into his side;

he felt a hand usually covered in armor carding through his hair, wiping the sweat from his forehead with a cool cloth;

he felt the way a trembling hand gripped his no longer free hand, felt the telltale sign of whisperers against his fingers;

he felt the minuscule vibrations of scrambling around him, heard the clinking of glass bottles no doubt full of remedies

…

he felt, loved.

THID IS SO LONG IM SORRY BUT IM SO OVERDRAMATIC AND LOVE TO RAMBLE

NOW FOR THE SECOND PART THAT I LOVE SO MUCH!

being under that collapsed building fucking with his lungs and ribs isnt something i ever thought of!

thats genius, i love it

im just imagining permanent damage to his lungs, not being able to use them to their full capacity, and maybe chronic pain in his ribcage area and sharp pains when he tries to draw in deep breaths

i think Makarov obvs knew this (maybe he makes everyone has full check ups yearly or every couple years, but also everytime someone joins the guild)

he warned Gray against overexerting himself because it could be especially dangerous for him

he was prescribed an inhaler and medication for his breathing and pain

but this was and is a boy full of too much pride and guilt, maybe he thinks he deserves it, maybe just doesnt care what happens to him, maybe he simply doesnt know his limits; but for whatever reason he doesnt listen, doesnt use his support unless it is absolutely unbearable

of course it gets better over the years, but that didnt start willingly, the guild found out, maybe Gray let it slip, maybe Jii-Chan did, or maybe they heard him scolding Gray for overdoing it again

but they found out and would check up on him, give him advice from some of their experience with their own disabilities

Ive hced for a while that Gildarts was particularly fatherly (or like, a protective uncle…ly?) with the kids of Fairy Tail, so i think he wouldve been the one to get him this pressure support thing for his ribs

it worked, and so does heating pads/packs, which lead to the next development

and after Gray joined up with his team and got closer, he would make Natsu be his own personal heat pack bc that is such a sweet and silly image to me

Natsu surprisingly complained minimally

i wonder why? :)

more little sick things

Gray doesnt get hungover, probably the only illness he gets lucky on

he gets really talkative and delirious when hes sick, and clingy

he’ll ramble abt random things he has to do, not realizing he cant for obvious reasons

he’ll talk about life before Ur, about his siblings who never had the chance to live; about ppl who left Isvan before Deloria came, wondering if theyre alive and actually living, if they remember him

whoever’s with him does him the courtesy of not bringing it up when hes better

Lucy gets really scared when people are sick, it makes her think of watching her mom deteriorate, she refuses to go through that again

She spoke to Natsu and Erza about this while Gray was sick once, broke down and said she wad terrified of losing someone she loves to a stupid sickness again

Gray will cling to the person closest to him when he’s ill, holding their hand, leaning on them, just not letting them leave; he finally is letting himself be taken care of and it feels good, he’ll be damned if he lets that go again

Natsu was so angry when Lyon told them, he was so angry and so scared that even with his heightened senses he didnt know anything at all

If hes with Gray when hes sick, he rarely takes his eyes off the uneven rise and fall of his best friends chest, as to reassure himself that Gray was still breathing, that he was still here and didn’t disappear

Gray will get up and try to get things done when hes sick, he is not the type to sit down and rest and recover

he had to be physically hauled back to bed on multiple occasions

Erza is lost when people are sick, ever the leader though, she tried to take the lead, giving people jobs and trying to make sure everything is order

it ends up quite the opposite though, halfway through she reluctantly hands the reins to someone else

she tries though

Gray has a box full of ‘get well soon!’ gifts and cards, he likes to look through then and read all the messages over and over again

i lied. he has three boxes, his friends are overachievers

fin.

[oogaboogaghosttt]

alright now who's this pink haired little alien boy (this is an invitation to infodump)(only if u want)(ily)

!!!!!!WAHEEEEEE ILY ILY ILY !!!!!<33(so many saiki k spoilers below)

ok soooo his name is saiki kusuo and he was born with psychic superpowers (which means he has basically every superpower ever conceived). he was born female but changed his form to male like 20 mins after he was born TRANSGENDER WIN!!! he was born with pink hair and everyone thought it was weird and it really made him stick out so he changed the human genome so that it wasnt unusual to be born with rainbow colored hair. he then mind controlled the whole world so no one noticed the change.LOL! but yeah his powers werent that dangerous when he was a tiny baby. but they got stronger as he aged and by the time he was in elementary school he accidentally almost killed 3 of his classmates for bullying his friend and had to move schools :p when his powers started to become dangerous and hard to control his older brother kusuke (who is a genius but doesnt have any powers and is extremely jealous/obsessed with kusuo) made him some power regulators (those little things sticking out of his head) that limit his powers and make living easier in general. theyre basically disability aids bc without them kusuo literally cant move without risking destroying/killing everything around him and has to use a wheelchair. he wears those green glasses bc if he makes eye contact with someone without a barrier between their eyes the person turns to stone (think medusa), so the glasses prevent that. the glasses dont have to be green for this to work btw hes just a freak. umm what else OH YEA hes autistic like 10000%. he never speaks out loud only telepathically. he hardly ever emotes and always tries to look as neutral as possible (when he does emote its because 1: hes eating coffee jelly <- literally his fav food ever, 2: hes feeling a very very strong emotion and probably doesnt even realize he doesnt look neutral, or 3: hes making an unhappy or confused face on purpose to get someone to leave him alone). hes never affectionate once in the whole show but he helps his friends with his powers constantly (without their knowledge bc no one knows abt his powers except his brother, parents, and eventually other psychics) its also like one million percent canon that hes aroace..very awesome i loev him

ANYWAYS the show is about kusuo trying to be as normal and unassuming as humanly possible bc he hates attention. (his powers got him a lot of attention in elementary school and he quickly learned that that was not a good thing) its kind of a lost cause bc ppl in his class start hanging around him and trying to be friends with him constantly. he is literally only communicates with the people around him when its absolutely necessary and yet his friends are always talking to him whenever they have the chance bc they love him...!!! he describes his friends as nuisances and says he hates them but literally feels guilty for using his powers on them and/or accidentally causing them trouble with his powers??? even when its not his fault????? like when he wrecked their cruise ship and got them stranded or when he accidentally turned a couple of them to stone temporarily...but yeah he always ends up in the middle of some kind of situation no matter how hard he tries to avoid it.. hes very situation prone

its later revealed the whole series takes place while saiki is in the middle of trying to figure out how to stop this big volcano from erupting bc if it erupts it will destroy all of japan. hes failed several times, and every time he fails to stop the volcano he uses his restoration powers on the earth. this returns it to the state it was in exactly one year in the past. THING IS, when he resets the earth by a year he also resets everything on it by a year, which includes all the people. its basically a time loop. the only reason the everyone on earth doesn't realize whats happening is bc saiki mind controlled them and has them convinced its normal. nobody ages or changes physically, including saiki, but saikis powers continue to get stronger. this means that his likelihood of success in stopping the volcano increases every year and he eventually does stop it. BUT PLOT TWIST HIS FRIENDS SEE HIM DO IT!!!! he considers telling them the truth but he just erases the memory from their minds and allows time to move forward

ummm and at the end of the series kusuke made a thingy that could take kusuos powers away and make him normal like he always wanted. kusuo used it and was like "ok now that the world isn't gonna end by volcano and i don't have powers anymore im gonna tell my friends i had powers and apologize and stuff" but then he figured out his powers weren't completely gone. his body was still super strong (to adapt to his super strength) and he would sometimes still hear ppls thoughts and basicallyyy it didn't work lol. but also he pretty quickly learned that he was actually way worse off without them bc like. hed had them since he was born. they were literally a part of who he was. he didn't know how to function without them. and he was lowkey sad bc his life goal was to be normal but also he hated who he became when his powers were gone. they came back completely when a fucking meteor came down and almost destroyed the earth and he had to get rid of it. its kind of implied that he probably told his friends about his powers after he got rid of the meteor which YAYYY

ANYWAYS YEAH i love him he stays silly always he so awesome and cool im thinking about him a whole lot

[badasgirlfriend]

my point stills stands, after reading the new chapters my most toxic trait is the fact that I would’ve forgiven both Yeri and Yunjin 😞. BUT I NEED PEOPLE TO HEAR ME OUT (I’m constantly a villain apologist) Like yk, what they did was beyond fucked up BUT, Yeri was not lying when she said she had no choice, and for some reason I felt like the whole exposing thing for her was too extreme 😞, ik bada was probably fuming but something in me says she didn’t deserve that, LIKE I FELT HER ANXIETY THROUGH THE SCREEN, I don’t think that everyone hating her will compensate for what she did, it’s just like revenge but in a cruel kinda way. Pookie didn’t deserve 😞 and also she was not really the only culprit, people actually confessed things, she just posted them by their request.

Now, with yunjin is diff because miss girl is actually very guilty and so very sick in the head. But hear me out, when she said that she constantly felt like she was Nari’s shadow, and mentioned her mom, somehow most of her attitudes make sense. Wanting validation can fuck your head so much it’s surreal, and I think that deeply she acc feels remorse by it, but she was fueled with jealousy and desperation. I think that what broke my heart the most was when she was left all alone 😞. Somehow I feel like her character is complex and at that precise moment she also needed some type of reassurance from friends to understand that what she did was terrible albeit the reasons. I feel bad for her because, imagine always feeling like someone’s shadow, and in the end, everyone you love ends up taking their side and leaving you, further pressing that feeling that in the end you will always be her shadow, and people would prefer her over you. And I know in this case Nari’s feelings al probably all over the place due to the betrayal, but imagine how yun feels too 😞.

In conclusion, I support their rights and wrongs, waiting for their redemption arc so I can be an apologist outside the trenches. (sorry for the rant but I just love character dynamics so much 😞 and specially this one for me has so many layers)

okay so yeri was actually threatened to post those abt nari but she wasn't threatened to post the others she did it for fun u can see that she says i liked it at first she did this for funnnn and in a way its called bullying too like imagine someone posting all ur darkest secrets and the whole school even the ones who dont attend see it

no matter how jealous yunjin got she shouldve never done and she cant be forgiven bc she isnt 12 to make those mistakes if she rlly was good and loved nari she wouldve either told her she likes bada or keep it forever inside her feelings go away yk

she wasnt sorry in the end she accused nari stealing bada from her which aint normal😭 maybe in the future she'll forgive her (not rlly😩) but she'll never forget

[sortagaysortahigh]

Honestly truly, out of every character on The Bear, my love for Richie is infinite, like he truly is my favorite character, the way he’s written and portrayed is something that a lot of writers, director, and cinematographers try to but typically fall short in one aspect or another. He’a so relatable in so many ways and it makes the audience want to root for him because yeah this older guy is kind of a dick, but a lot of the odds are against him and he’s trying, even if he doesn’t always do things right, he’s still trying

We take a 45 year old man who truly doesnt know his purpose in life, is going thru what we can assume to be an existential crisis, while simultaneously trying to mourn the loss of his bestfriend, scratch that, HIS BROTHER, meanwhile its clear he’s lost the love of his life (tiff) and holds so many regrets about that relationship and how its impacting his daughter-who he loves with his all!!!!-and he’s just trying to find his place in the family business (and in life) because prior to Carmy showing up, it was a trainwreck, but it was a trainwreck that he felt comfortable in, even a little too comfortable. We literally watch as his life flips upside down and he struggles with his emotions, his family, his physical place whether it be at the Beef/going to The Bear or even in a post-covid Chicago where everything he knew and recognized is almost gone and has changed.

I feel like Richie’s character is genuinely at a loss of who he is without Mikey in the first season, because that man child(lovingly) was like his other half, and that was his platonic soulmate that’s been taken away from him because of Mikey’s own issues. Issues that even Richie couldn’t fix and maybe he feels guilty about that because he knew Mikey was using, but he also knew he couldn’t stop him. We as the audience get to watch the way that richie is constantly struggling to be someone that he actually wants to be, and to even feel a sense of self confidence and self worth, because he overcompensates to hide his own grief and insecurities.

Then as season two is progressing we see Richie blow the fuck up and start to put himself back together in a way that ACTUALLY BENEFITS HIM!!!! Which is HIS OWN DECISIONS!! Because yes he needed the push from Carm and the rest of the family, but he also needed people outside of them to reassure him that yes he has skills, hes smart, he has a purpose and he deserves a place at The Bear, not only that but that he’s NEVER TOO OLD TO TRY AGAIN. Because we saw bits and pieces of life literally knocking this man down and him trying to laugh it off or brush things off like he was okay when he wasnt. Then he meets Chef Terry who tells him, yea bro life kicked my ass and i was sad and depressed and damn near forty at the time, but I didn’t give up and I tried again because it’s never too late!!! And that allows him to take a look at himself and realize ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO CHANGE!! And he can do things for his OWN BENEFIT THAT MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD (ie cleaning his countertop before going to work and wearing suits). Then he does what nobody has ever expected and APOLOGIZES TO SUGAR! and we see the way staging impacted not only his professionalism, but his sense of self and even his confidence. He knows that he cant do everything and that it’s okay, but now instead of forcing himself into spaces he doesn’t fit into, hes making his own space and in turn sliding into the places that he does fit in.

He’s literally such a well written and portrayed character and he’s so fucking real and so fucking relatable, and yea he has his unlikable moments (as many of us do) but that doesn’t define him, and now he’s learning not to let the past define who he can be and stop him from trying things differently in the present!

I live laugh and LOVE Richie!!!!!!!

[thechangeling]

Out of our heads Out of our minds

So evil writer brain decided to cook up and incredibly toxic kitty fic because apparently I'm a terrible person lol. Blame @ilikebooks8 for letting this see the light of day.

The title is based on the song Out of this world by Bush.

Cw: slightly nsfw, violence, cheating, incredibly toxic behavior, beloved characters making bad choices, and implied sex.

Kit returns.

He returns to Ty with the same dazzling smile and charming witt, only now he seems to have grown even more impossibly beautiful as time has passed.

Now he's all hard lines and defined muscles and piercing sinful blue eyes that make Ty so angry he could scream.

Kit laughs and Ty wants to tear his insides out. Wants to rip Kit's heart right out if his chest just like he did to Ty. The painful gnawing rage of a betrayal that still stings after all this time. And yet still, Ty heard Kit was in danger and he came running like a man obsessed.

Ty knows deep down now matter how angry he is, he could never let anything happen to Kit. Nothing permanent anyways. Sometimes when the ache becomes to difficult to bare, Ty imagines punching that stupid smirk right off of his face. Or choking him hard enough to leave bruises. Of course Ty would never actually do such a thing. The sight of Kit in pain, any sort of pain is just too unbearable.

And that's the worst part. No matter how angry Ty gets he knows it can't last. And no matter how painful it is to be near Kit again, he still feels this unexplainable pull. This whispering in his ear to get closer and closer. To reach out and touch.

But it's stupid, and it's wrong anyways because Ty already has someone. Anush who was by his side the whole time at the scholomance and has never betrayed him. Anush who is sweet and thoughtful and gorgeous. Ty should be happy. After all, wasn't this what he always wanted? Someone to be there for him?

So he tried to distract himself from Kit by throwing himself into spending time with Anush and working the case. That's all Kit was now, just the latest problem to solve. A supernatural disaster. They would save him and stop the oncoming war and everything would be fine.

And then Kit would be gone. Blind panic teared at Ty's insides at the thought. There were these moments with Kit where they would make eye contact, or they would bump into each other in the kitchen and their fingers would brush and Ty would just desperately want to wrap Kit in his arms again.

He wanted to ask if Kit had really meant what he said that day on the beach. Sometimes when Kit stared at him with that soft sad smile on his face Ty wondered if they were going through similar things. Sometimes Ty wanted to tell him that he wished he had never met Kit either.

Kit Herondale was dangerous and unpredictable and loving him was like holding a live wire. But funnily enough the same could probably be said about Ty. Especially lately.

He felt like he was constantly in pain. Like his body ached with invisible wounds that made it impossible to breathe. The world was brutal and unforgiving, berating him with constant noise and blinding lights jabbing hot pokers into his brain. And the people with their sickly sweet smiles as they demanded he bare his soul.

But what if there was nothing left anymore? What if his soul had died with Livvy? Ty tried to cling onto the things that made him feel better. He hid away in his favorite spot, listening to his favorite music and pouring over Sherlock. Repeating the words to himself over and over again like they could pull him out of this tailspin. Ty distracted himself with Anush's sweet kisses and wandering hands as he tried to turn his brain off for once in his life.

But his soul was screaming out for another person to be the one touching him. He wanted Kit and that was infuriating. It made no logical sense. Not only was Kit responsible for breaking his heart but he also was notorious for playing fast and loose with his own life. Ty couldn't spend all his time constantly feeling like his heart was living outside of his body. Constantly in danger of being ripped open by some dark and evil thing.

Ty had everything he thought he wanted. But it still wasnt enough.

During another sleepless night, Ty found himself wandering the institutes halls. At this point he was simply just overtired. Too many nights spent worrying or studying or reading instead of sleeping. Now his body doesn't remember how to rest. Ty was far too exhausted to operate on logic or reason so he found himself standing outside of Kit's door, wondering absentmindedly how he got there.

Ty placed his hand against the door, fighting the urge to open it and walk through. He can remember the first time he waited outside of Kit's door, just like it was yesterday. He had no idea at the time why he was so drawn to the mysterious boy who had shown up at the institute after Ty had threatened him with a knife. The boy who turned out to be a lost Herondale. And honestly after all of this time Ty still couldn't explain it.

This is a bad idea, He thought to himself as he slowly turned the doorknob. This is a terrible idea. Ty, driven by pure need like fire under his skin, pushed the door open.

Kit was awake as Ty suspected he would be, sitting by the window and staring out into the night sky. Under the moonlight he was glowing. He turned around to stare at Ty, first with a look of shock, and then that same hallow desperation Ty had been seeing on Kit's face lately.

He also looked angry.

"What the hell are you doing in here Ty?" He sounded exhausted. Ty almost felt guilty in a sense. He stared at Kit for a moment, unsure of what to say.

"I don't know," he whispered, staring at the ground. "I suppose I was compelled." Ty let his gaze slowly rise up Kit's body, drinking it in.

Kit scoffed harshly. "Compelled? By what exactly, Tiberius?"

Ty looked up at Kit's face in surprise. He rarely called Ty by his full name. Ty really didn't like how it felt. Cold and distant. Ty sighed, pushing his fingertips against his collarbone and tracing it slightly.

"I don't know. I guess I just needed to know. I need to know why you left me." Ty tried not to let himself sound desperate or weak, but he had become worn down by this point. He couldn't keep up his defenses much longer.

"Why didn't you want me?" He muttered. "Why wasn't I good enough?"

And there it was. The painful truth that Ty had been avoiding. The fact that Kit had tossed him aside just like so many had before. Like Paige. Like his father. He had always tried so hard to make people happy. To live up to their expectations. But in the end it didn't matter how hard he tried, sometimes there was just no pleasing certain people.

Sometimes it seemed like there was no point in being good and following the rules if nothing ever changed. If Ty always ended up in the same place. If people always saw him as a problem or an inconvenience or worse, then he could just live up to their expectations. Be selfish and cold and cruel because no amount of begging and smiling was going to earn him respect.

Kit glared at him in shock. "Who the hell do you think you are? Coming in here to play mind games with me?" Before Ty could register what was happening, Kit was storming towards him and shoving him up against the wall with a loud thunk.

The feeling of Kit touching him again after all this time was dizzying. Kit was shorter then him so he needed to crane his neck a little to look up at Ty, which meant that his throat was completely exposed for Ty to stare at.

"I told you how I felt and you did nothing! You ignored me!" Kit cried. "I wanted you more then I've ever wanted anything Ty! I still do!" Tears were streaming down his face. Ty stared at Kit, completely frozen. His wrists were pinned to the wall by Kit's hands and their faces were inches apart.

Ty struggled to collect himself. "I didn't know what was going on," he gasped out shakily. "I was a mess Kit. I just had to get her back. But-." He cut himself off. It was all for nothing. Ty had lost Livvy in the end and he had lost Kit as well.

Ty shook his head. "Does this mean that you love me?" His voice sounded so far away. Like the words were being pulled from some unexpected place within him. Kit let out a soft gasp and squeezed his eyes shut before fixing his expression into a blank slate. He leaned forward slightly so that their lips were just barely touching, then gently trailed his mouth across Ty's cheek to his ear.

Ty felt him smirk slightly before Kit whispered in his ear. "Go to sleep Ty. Go back to your boyfriend."

And before Ty had time to think, he was lashing out. He shoved Kit backwards as hard as he could with a snarl. Kit went flying across the room and slammed into the opposite wall. If Kit had been human it probably would have knocked him out. Ty stared in horror at what he had done as Kit clutched his ribs and groaned.

"You seriously have some anger management issues!" Kit snapped at him, glaring pointedly. Ty knew that. When he was younger he used to have fits of uncontrollable rage all the time. Words didnt come easily to him so he would hit, scratch, bite or throw whatever was closest to make people realize he was in pain. When he wanted to say "don't touch me" or "you hurt my feelings" but he just could make the words form properly, he would get angry. And then he would lash out.

Ty thought he had been getting better at managing his emotions and communicating. But there was something about Kit Herondale that just evaporated every last bit of logic and reason he had until all that was left was the urge to scream.

Ty gaped in shock, searching for the right thing to say. "By the angel Kit, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that I swear!" He pleaded. His fingers were beginning to shake and flutter at his sides. He tapped desperately against his thigh, scratching at the material of his sweatpants to try and calm himself down.

Kit just shook his head and laughed humourlessly. "Honestly Ty, we should just tell the Seelie Queen not to worry. And Janus, and all the other people who want the first heir dead. You'll destroy me just fine on your own." He gaze was piercing and ruthless.

Ty's breathing was frantic and erratic as he shook in agony. He could feel he was on the urge of a meltdown.

Kit pulled himself to his feet. He stared at Ty longingly and then smiled slightly. A genuine smile. "But honestly what a way to go. Does that answer your question sweetheart?"

Ty gasped soundlessly, his hands shaking at his sides. He fought to get a hold of himself. Kit studied Ty for a moment, then slowly began to approach him.

"Why are you here Ty? Why did you come here exactly?" Kit was speaking in a soft lulling voice as if he was trying to hypnotize Ty.

"I'm here because I miss you," Ty admitted. "It's confusing. Because I'm still mad at you. But I can't stop thinking about you." Ty felt as though he was close to crying, which was concerning because he rarely ever cried.

Only for Kit.

Kit scowled at him slightly. "You're with someone else, remember?"

Guilt instantly pierced through Ty's chest. "Yeah I know, I'm a terrible person," he said bitterly. He didn't want to admit to himself that he had been trying this whole time to distract himself from Kit. That he was using Anush. But that was technically true. Ty saw the opportunity to lose himself in a pretty boy with an honest smile who loved him wholeheartedly.

Ty thought he could forget but then here he was. All roads led to Kit Herondale.

Kit sighed and reached for Ty, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close. "You arent terrible. You're spiraling. And you come to me like I can save you from yourself? Please," Kit chuckled. "I can barely save myself."

"I don't need you to save me."

Kit stared at him with an expression that was hard to place. Then he smiled, but it wasnt a kind smile. It was a satisfied, knowing smirk. Kit traced his thumb under Ty's chin then back up to his lips, forcing them to part slightly.

"You think I don't know why you're here love?" He cooed in a voice that was both soothing and alluring. You think I don't know what you're after?" Kit sighed, sounding a little worn down. "If I was a better person, a stronger person. I would tell you to leave." He dipped his hands down underneath Ty's shirt.

Ty shivered at the cold feeling against his skin. He dropped his forhead down to lean against Kit's, revealing in the contact. "Lucky for you," Kit whispered against his lips, "I'm not."

Ty felt the last string of his self control snap as he kissed Kit roughly, grabbing onto his torso and pulling him closer. Kit responded to the kiss eagerly, parting his lips for Ty and laughing deliriously as their lips met again and again.

Kit was tearing off Ty's shirt as he walked him backwards, closer to the bed. As soon as he had slid it off if Ty's body, Kit tossed the shirt aside and went back to kissing him. Ty felt his knees hit the bed frame and he fell backwards onto the soft welcoming mattress, pulling Kit down with him.

Kit kissed a line down Ty's neck to his pulse point and Ty groaned, burying his fingers in Kit's curls. He was lost in a sea of pure desperation.

"Tell me to stop," Kit whispered between kisses. Ty froze for a moment. Then he understood.

Kit was giving him an out.

Ty responded by pulling Kit even closer and letting his head fall back against the pillows.

He closed his eyes and let Kit Herondale ruin him.

The morning after was the hardest. Ty pulled himself from Kit's arms and forced himself not to look back.

And that was when he finally cried.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

WHAT THE HELL FAE! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS OMG 😭

[yellowbluemoonshine]

There is always the idea that villains need to be punished for what they did but... when you see someone like Shigaraki, what could be more of a punishment than what he suffered? And more than that, how could the society jugde him when they are for a big part responsable of what he has become? When Shigaraki says that he can't forgive anyone, I can't help but agree: how could he forgive when nobody recognise they have wronged him, when they don't admit he is THEIR victim?

Definitely agreed, anon.

First, this role is literally forced on him by people around him.

Even when he was 5 years old, he wasnt allowed to be the person he wants to be. He wanted to be a hero but his father punished him for it.

After his family’s tragic death, he became a tool of manipulative, selfish man. AFO literally groomed him to be force of destruction, he made him believe that this is the only way for him.

AFO literally punished Shigaraki when he cried and hold his feelings (calling him pathetic to make him feel guilty for being a disappointing is also punihsment too) and praised him when he killed people.

Then, every hero and villain he met dehumanized him again and again. For everyone, Shigaraki is someone who enjoys from destruction, empty, cruel guy, he is not even a person. Again and again, Shigaraki is not allowed to be his own person.

Heroes dont listen to him cause Shigaraki has to be bad guy so that heroes can be good guys. If Shigaraki is monster, they can justify their violence. This is how villains are treated in society. And Shigaraki is one of the biggest examples of it. Even though, heroes have many proofs to believe that Shigaraki is victim.

Everyone around Shigaraki already decided the role Shigaraki play for him, his life, his narrative is always controlled by others. He himself even believes that he is monster cause everyone around him says so.

Not only this role forced on him but also his biggest motivation and desire literally relate to what happened to him.

Shigaraki’s biggest motivation is comes from his pain, death of his family, like how he will never feel okay. This is why he is doing what he is doing cause he literally have no idea how to handle his pain.

Shigaraki’s life is full of pain. He was traumatized againd and again. He was groomed in very unstable and dangerous environment. Treated as monster that needs to be destroyed. When he finally a little far away from his abuser AFO, he still did what he wants him to do and eventually came back to him to surgery, he almost loose his humanity and his will.

And Shigaraki’s biggest desire is freedom cause his life and his choices taken away from him. Shigaraki again and again chose freedom cause he doesnt want the role everyone forced on him. He feels trapped and full of anger cause he is completely not okay with his current life.

Shigaraki is trapped in cycle of abuse.

Step 1;

He holds his negative feelings inside of him, until he reaches his breaking point. He hold himself cause he hasnt taught how to handle those emotions healthy way.

Step 2;

He reaches his breaking point and lashing his feeling out to other people. Killing them, harming them, destroy things etc. He is lashing out cause thats how he has been taught. After lashing out, he somehow reliefs a little and feel empty.

Step 3;

After remember what he did to others, he feels exteremely guilty and starts punishing himself. He is harming himself, thats the way of Shigaraki punishing himself. Punishment is always part of Shigaraki’s character.

Step 4;

Harming himself eventually led him to feel unfair and he starts to feel angry again, he hold those feelings so basically we returned back to step 1, again.

Shigaraki is literally trapped with this cycle and cant get rid of it. This is why he almost always contracting with himself.

First, someone/something hurts him and Shigaraki fights back,

he fights back to get rid of this cycle cause he wants this pain to be over. He wants freedom thats why he rejects giving his will to AFO, this is why he get rid of hands.

But eventually, he still thanking AFO, doing what he wants

and taking hands with him again cause he doesnt believe he deserves freedom.

Basically, Shigaraki wants freedom, he wants to be saved but he cant fight for his freedom cause he himself believes he doesnt deserves to be saved, to feel okay. This is the biggest proof of that he feels exteremly guilty from what he did/does.

He literally escapes from cage to another cage, in this picture.

Shigaraki is trying to escape from his cage but he doesnt believe he deserves to feel good, this is why he turns back to the cage. Thats the reason he accept the surgery of Ujiko. So basically, his mindset is already like a prison and it harms him a lot. And as long as he believes he doesnt deserve anytihng good, he cant get out that prison. But Shigaraki feels guilty, this is why he believes that. Shigaraki doesnt even see himself as victim cause noone else does.

This is why Shigaraki cant get out of this cycle, this prison and this is why it so important that someone reaching out to him. He is a victim, a person and he needs to be seen as like that by someone.

And Shigaraki’s story is all about how different his life would be, if only someone reach out to him. Again and again, theme of his story is there were people who could’ve helped him but they still didnt do anything for him. Shigaraki can be saved but everyone already believes that he is irredemable, they wont even try to reach out to him.

How can Shigaraki forgive those people when they constantly turned a blind eye to him?

Even when Shigaraki show his true face to them, trying to talk and reach out to them, they still ignored him. Shigaraki is trying to explain himself to heroes cause he still waits for heroes to save him in his deep.

The biggest proof of that there is a hope for Shigaraki is that despite his background, the way he treats league and he tries to break this cycle. The way Shigaraki treats his comprades literally turned league to found family for people like them. Shigaraki was raised to destroy but he is the reason that people in league are slowly healing from their trauma. He also fight against the unfair society that let them fall at first place.

Shigaraki is blowback of society. Though, AFO would kidnap Shigaraki anyway but he is still failure of heroes. If Allmight didnt make society ignorance, people wouldnt ignore Shigaraki. If society was designed to rehabilite villains, then they would understand his victim and try to reach out to him. They could’ve do that easily in USJ arc. If Nana never abandoned his son or Gran Torino and Allmight tried to check him out, AFO wouldnt capture Tenko. etc etc etc. Society and heroes failed Shigaraki and let him fall from the cracks of society

 If Shigaraki is victim of society, heroes, then, society,heroes should take responsibilty for the victims, not just destroying them.

And Shigaraki isnt just blowback of society, his actions also waking people up. Story made it clear, society is not good the way it is and heroes dont even try to change it. Yeah, destruction isnt really solution and murder is bad but at least, Shigaraki’s actions will change things. Society wil start to change for better cause Shigaraki, the shadow of society is calling them out.

And again;

if society is the one who is responsible for Shigaraki became who he is, then how they can have a right to not forgive him?

(Though, Deku doesnt really know things here but hope, he will eventually understand.)

The one who made a choice wasnt really Shigaraki, it was people around him. First, he was outcasted and became their victim. Then, they forced a role for him. When he played his role, they punished him for it. Shigaraki was put in an impossible sitution and he was expected to handle that sitution. Who is the one really at fault here?

Everyone blames Shigaraki cause thats easiest way. Even though, Shigaraki didnt have much choices in his life but somehow its still his fault and the ones who could’ve helped him, the one who can help him chose to not help have a right to not forgive him.

So basically;

1-

Society and heroes already failed Shigaraki and directly responsible from his fall. There is something they could do, there is something they still can do about Shigaraki but they constantly choosing to dehumanize him.

2-

Shigaraki constantly fights against the people who dehumanize him for his humanity. At least, he is doing his best cause he doesnt want to stay like this.

3-

He is trying to change things to break this broken cycle, both for himself and in his deep, society can be better place for people like him, victims, outcasts.

3-

There is no point of killing Shigaraki since society creates its own villains, then they would create another Shigaraki anyway.

4-

Shigaraki already feels exteremely guilty from what he does. (This is the reason he is so suicidal cause he sees no worth about his life.)

5-

Shigaraki’ s life is full of pain and trauma. He is already treated as monster in his current sitution.

So whats the point of killing him or sending him the place like Tartarus? When society is the one responsible for him the way he is? When he already feels guilty? When he already live his life like a prisoner? When he already have a life full of pain and treated as thing? There is literally no point here.

So what i am hoping is in the end;

He should live cause he deserves to healing and living his life as an invidual. He should be in a place more like mental hospital cause he has severe mental illness and he definitely needs help. He also needs/deserves to live in healthy environment so he can finally heal. Even in the end, if he stays in prison, prison should be pretty human place. It would be better, if he is with with league cause those people are healing when they are together.

Though, i still hate the idea of him being in prison, even though he killed many people cause his life is already like a prison but i dont know author would do that.

Also, i also believe that more than Shigaraki, society is the one that owes him apology, not really other way around. Since he is their victim. Though he is really kind and forgiving person in deep, he might forgive them but i dont want what happenned to him to be ignored so i truly hope heroes, society, story pays him well cause its just so sad and unfair. He deserves better.

Also, i truly believe Shigaraki can help Deku and heroes a lot about outcasts since he can reach out to people who wasnt saved by heroes. So if they work together, Deku can be a hero who saves everyone and Shigaraki’s dream of becoming hero can happen since he is helping outcasts. Also this can be another a way of paying his crimes too.

Shigaraki would willing to do this cause all he wants is better society, just like Deku, in his deep. And also his biggest desire is to be an invidual. To be the person who he wants to be. He still wants to be a hero cause in his deep, he cares about greater good too.

Shigaraki is always a character who is meant to be saved and there is a reason that he is parallel with Deku. I hope he also gets the happy ending he truly deserves. We will see. It kinda became messy post cause i am kinda tired. Well, just my opinions, :))).

[dubububbles]

SHINee scenario: How you’d let your relationship known to the public

(are requests still open? 👀 if they are, can you please write how they’d let your relationship known to public and how’d they handle it? Like if it’s an accident, photo, scandal, or they’d announce it themselves? Thanks! ignore this if you’re closed atm. i wasnt sure where to look 👀) 

Requested by anon

- if there is no disclaimer in the bio / description (like there is right now) request are open~ ❤️

Taemin:

Since you and Taemin had been friends long before you started dating, you were both openly comfortable with each other. Despite that, there was not really any suspicion about your relationship, which made it easy for you to keep it a secret. 

The people close to you and also a fair share of people in the industry were well aware of it. Yet, it still wasn’t known publicly. It surprised you at times, since you could both be rather clumsy with words or say things without thinking them through beforehand. The fact that none of you had slipped up yet was somewhat of a miracle. 

After sticking with each other for a long time you would both be certain that you shared something special that would last even longer. You therefore thought it was something you would need to come clean about to your fans. 

That’s essentially how the idea to confirm your relationship on your own accord came to life. It felt right for you to let everyone know directly from you, when the time was right, and not from anyone else.

When that time came and you were both comfortable to come clean you confirmed it with a simple statement through your agency and while it created some fuss, the overall reaction was generally good and positive. 

There would be some bad seeds in the form of people who were openly against you, but you wouldn’t focus on those. Instead, you would only focus on the people who actually accepted and supported you.

Minho: 

When you and Minho first started your relationship you were both determined to be careful and keep it hidden for the sake of your careers and you were able to successfully do so for almost a year. 

In the beginning you would only meet in remote locations or in the safety of your own homes. However, as you progressed in your relationship you also met more frequently and even in public areas. 

You definitely got bolder over time but always tried to be careful. Since it would only take one mishap to spark a small rumor and that would lead to people tailing you to create a news story and eventually capture photos of the two of you together. Those would later surface on the web and create a fuss. 

It was a bit scary at first, for both of you, as you had never been involved in ‘scandals’ or a story big enough to attract that much attention. 

It was not like you could hide it after that point so you both came clean and then stayed under the radar for a bit to let things calm down.

The attention was a mix of positive and negative and you didn’t know what it would mean for the future but you both knew that you would stay together no matter what. You would talk about it over the phone and also reassure one another that everything would be okay.

Eventually new scandals and stories would come along and by then people wouldn’t be as focused on the two of you anymore, which definitely made you feel relieved. 

Since neither of you had been in hot weather before, your careers didn’t really experience any change after your confirmed relationship and your fans generally accepted it. 

It put you both at ease and you could stay together happily and in love. 

Key:

Key wouldn’t mind going public with your relationship. In fact, he would like it better to not have to sneak around and constantly be careful to showcase your close bond too much in front of anyone outside of your close circle of friends and loved ones. 

The only reason he was still doing so was for your sake. He knew you were scared and he didn’t blame you, since he had seen before how people received backlash and negative attention simply for being in love with another person. It wasn’t right but it was out of his control and it bothered him a lot. As proud as he was of your relationship, he would keep it a secret for as long as he needed if it meant he was keeping you safe. 

That would become more difficult for him when a rumor started that romantically linked him to someone else. It was another celebrity he had been on a show with in the past but not someone he was still close to or even in touch with. 

But even if it was all fiction and rooted in nothing but groundless rumors, people bought into it. Key would see comments and articles about it and feel really awful, since he saw how it affected you. 

Even while doing his occasional Instagram lives, he would be spammed with comments about it and as much as he denied it the speculation just didn’t seem to die down. 

It would get to him in the end and he would blurt out the truth before he could stop himself or think about the aftermath. 

“If you are going to link my name to anyone else’s then link it with y/n, since she is the person I am actually in love with.” 

After his spontaneous confession the comments would take a 180 turn and revolve around you and Key instead and he would have to call you afterwards and come clean about what he had done. 

Jonghyun:

You and Jonghyun were known to be close friends and label mates but no one except the people close to you knew that you were actually dating. 

You had kept it a secret for a long time, to the point where you weren’t as worried about it being known anymore, since you were both comfortable in your relationship and wouldn’t let anything come in the way of it. 

You would always support each other and not shy away from showcasing your close bond. It had created some rumors that you were more than friends but it was mostly among your own fans and not the general public. 

It all changed in a moment, however, a moment where your silly boyfriend forgot that you were at a public event. It was an award show and you won in the ‘female solo performance’ category for the title track of your album released earlier that year. 

Since it was your first time winning in such a big category Jonghyun was overjoyed and proud, to the point where he completely forgot the fact that you were in public, or he simply discarded that fact, and pulled you into a kiss. 

It certainly created a lot of speculation and fuss in the days to come and you both had to confirm the relationship, since there was really no way you could deny or hide it after what he pulled. 

“I’m sorry y/n. I just couldn’t help myself.” he would apologize with a shrug, which would make you roll your eyes playfully. 

Thankfully, the response was good over all. Many fans of yours and other people had already had their suspicion before it became a known fact, so it had slowly been accepted over time. 

Onew: 

Since the start of your relationship with Onew, you had feared the day when it would become a publicly known matter. He was immensely popular and you could imagine the hate storm that would possibly come your way if everyone knew. 

Your fears would come to true one day as you received a package at your door, which contained photos of the two of you together along with a note to let you know that the photos would be released if you didn’t break it off with him. 

The attempted blackmail would scare you a lot, while Onew would feel very angry and guilty, since you had to go through something like this simply for being in a relationship with him. 

He would tell you not to worry and then attempt to solve the situation on his own but in vain. It would be painful to meet you again and have to tell you that there was not much you could do to keep your relationship secret anymore. 

“I’m really sorry y/n. I really tried to find a way but the more I thought about it, the more I realized there’s only one option that could keep those pictures secret and even then it’s not 100% safe.”

You would lit up with a bit of hope but it would quickly disappear once he told you that you could follow the instructions in the package and break up with him, which was nonsense. You told him you would definitely not do that and it seemed to put him at ease, since he didn’t want that either. 

He then brought the final option to you. It wouldn’t keep the pictures from becoming public matter but it could at least help minimize the damage and it was to confirm your relationship through a statement before anyone else tried to out you. It would take away all the power from the blackmailer, since the pictures would only showcase what was already confirmed.

It was definitely the best option you had and even if you felt a bit scared at the thought of going public after a long time in the shadows, you knew that you would be okay as long as you had him by your side.  

[thirstybtsthoughts]

Umm im sorry this is not a thirst ask but i really need to get this off my chest.i thirst alot over them and umm what people call “seeing them as your boyfriend”i think of them kn daily basis and they really are my comfort and safe place,like this is a TMI but thinking of a member as my bf and making scenarios in my head makes me feel so good and safe...but my point is sometimes some ppl make me feel guilty for doing so,saying I shouldn’t see them this way and its not a good thing😕(its been more than two years i know them and ever since there wasnt a day going without thinking about them)so ofc now they are the a really big part in my life...sorry this is getting long but i just wanna know if anyone else feels this way or any advice?(dont get me wrong i love what im doing and as i said my only comfort place and feeling is those imaginations but just judgement makes me feel guilty sometimes)

It’s no one’s business to tell you what to do or think about. I’ve also been Army for about two and a half years and there hasn’t gone a day where I haven’t thought of them or listened to their music 😂. I feel like that may be the case for the majority of ARMY. BTS become a part of our lives in so many ways, I’ve honestly never experienced anything like it. I’ve been deeply into alot of other famous people before, but this experience is so different and amazing. It’s clever of them to be honest, the way they are marketed in such a way to get in our heads, and ofcourse the fact that they are absolutely incredible people (from what we know). They have set our standards so high 😂. Also, they put out so much content and are constantly interacting with us through social media that ofcourse we will always think about them 🥰. 

Anyway, my point is to ignore anyone who is judgemental. It really isn’t anything to do with them and if it’s something that brings you comfort (as long as you’re not delusional about it and remember that it is all fantasy/your imagination) then you do you and enjoy it 💜

[rainecloud020604]

🍊🏀☀️💥🐟🌸 For Keith,Charles,Josiah [If it's too much,just answer what you wish! <3]

🍊 Does your OC have any triggers? Why do these things trigger them? What are they like when triggered and how do they calm down after?

Keith - Blood is a trigger, which makes him turn violent and not himself, its hard to calm him down without getting hurt yourself if you arent super close, he normally takes a bit to calm down if,,you cant calm him down yourself, as long as there is no blood in the area he’ll calm down at some point, why this triggers him he doesnt exactly know all the details,,but war does things to people

Charles - war, anything related to such makes him have a mental break down and he will go and hide himself somewhere, as little time as he actually spent in it the effects of leaving and trying to hide hit him hard and he’s extremely traumatized by it, he’s very skittish and shaken, he doesnt wanna be near anyone when he’s vulnerable which is why he hides, normally he doesnt calm down after on his own, takes Jason there to calm him down and get him to relax and snap out of it

Josiah - he surprisingly doesnt have one, nothing that gets him to such a point

🏀 Does your OC have any skills that people wouldn’t expect them to have? Do they have a hobby or pass time that others would consider strange or weird? How did they learn this particular skill or pick up this hobby?

Keith - hah he doesnt actually asjdlfkad so noting i can really answer for this for any of the questions

Charles - he can actually, and surprisingly sing very well! it is also a small hobby he has cause he practices in his free time when he’s alone, he is self taught cause he just wanted a hobby that wasnt drinking or smoking-

Josiah - it might come as a surprise that he can knit! he’s very shy about it and does it in secret when he isnt busy as a pastime, he used to make clothing to blend in as a hobby after learning how by reading into it but Christine wont let him wear anything he makes outside of the house

☀️ How well does your OC take care of themself? Do they tend to put others before their own wellbeing and if so how often? What is their favourite way to pamper themself?

Keith - haaaah whats self care- yeah he doesnt really take great care of himself, his wellbeing hasnt really been on his mind since he was like 12 so others always goes first before his, and,,,eh if you count it its making sure his clothes look decent

Charles - he keeps up with himself for not only his sake but Jason’s and Phizzy’s as well, of course as much as he’ll keep up with himself he puts others before it always, he likes to make sure his hair is brushes and looks nice always

Josiah - as good as he physically is kept up mentally he isnt but thats for another day- others wellbeing should and is always put before his, he is to serve and not be cared for as he is told, he of course cant really take his time with small things like he wishes but making sure that his gloves are in good condition is as much as he can do

💥 Are there any emotions your OC doesn’t know how to deal with, doesn’t understand or hates having to feel? Any reason behind this?

Keith - he doesnt like being sad, he feels like it makes him weak and thats not what he wants at all, he doesnt handle it well 

Charles - he,,he doesnt like feeling guilty, he gets frustrated with it a lot and it brings back so many heavy memories with it he doesnt want to think about

Josiah - anger, it confuses him and scares him a lot, seeing Christine get mad is one thing, but him yelling or getting mad is something he doesnt like, he feels wrong because he shouldnt get mad

🐟 What was your OC like as a baby? What were they like as a child? A teenager? An adult? How do you think they’ll develop ten years into their future? Twenty years? Will they live to old age?

Keith - ehh tbh I have thought about it, as a baby he was very fussy constantly, but needed to be kept an eye on, as a child he was very stubborn, his parents werent great so he would fight with them a lot so he could do whatever because they only cared when they could punish or yell at him for it, as a teenager he was rather the same until he was thrown into war, where he became really violent, angry and prickish all at once which carried out to his adult years to where he is now, he isnt easy to have warm up to you, if he likes you consider yourself lucky as hell- this will pretty much be the same all of his life unless something happens and makes him weak and emotionally vulnerable, as a demon he will pretty much live forever until killed, so yeah i guess he will

Charles - as a baby he was actually very needy, which when as a child he was neglected by his family it didnt help him, he was still a needy child who just wanted comfort constantly but his parents didnt give it to him, as a young teen he was thrown into war and tried to leave it, which got permanently scarred for life, as an adult he has a very tough outer shell and snaps easily at people, he can be soft with close ones of course and acts like himself actually- of course his cold outer shell will eventually loosen up as he gets older (his anger will not hah) he is a demon and i do see him living a very long time  

Josiah - as a baby he was a very quiet bab but always wanted to be near someone, as a child he was very soft and sweet, he still is throughout his teen and adult years! and will stay this way for his entire life, which will be for,,pretty much eternity unless something happens

🌸 What’s a sentence that would make your OC’s day better? One that would make them laugh? One that would make their day worse? Why? What words would you have to say to them to completely ruin their day?

Keith - honestly, if you point out one small thing you actually like or appreciate about him it would make his day a bit better, positively of course- it’s,,,ehhh hard to make him laugh actually- normally seeing someone scared of him joking or just being himself in general will make him laugh though, and to ruin his day is pretty much piss him off or make him feel horrible for existing which is rather hard to do the second part, get under his skin about how he’s a monster

Charles - comment his look and it’ll make his day, his scar especially, as angry and cold as he acts, he’s a bit easy to make laugh if you say the right things, mainly if you’re just being a goof and messing around, poking fun at small things, make it worse and ruin his day is insulting him, especially about how he can be a freak or monster

Josiah - any sweet words will do the job, compliments, hell a smile will do that job just fine! he’ll laugh at a lot too, silly nonsense and small jokes, putting him down will for sure ruin his day, get into his head, comments about not fitting in, how he’s unfit, shouldnt be there will get to him a lot

[wendy-arnott]

My Pregnancy and Birthing Story

Finding out we were having another baby was definitely a shock for us but once we got our head around the idea of another baby and after a traumatic labour and birth with Ava, I was determined this time around would be different and so the research began!

I found comfort in reading, knowledge is power and in this case I came to realise the power was all mine! I borrowed books from my sister in law who helped me through my journey so much, always there offering advice. We also made the decision to see our Chiropractor throughout my pregnancy, she also practices in Kinesioloy (she previously helped get Ava's ezcema under control but thats another journey to tell later). Together we worked in controlling my magnesium levels which my body was deficient in and which I would come to learn actually plays a huge part in controlling blood sugars. We cut dairy out of my diet which was not an easy thing for me to do at all!!

Then came the dreaded Glucose test, iv previously had Gestational Diabetes with both girls so prepared myself to have this again but no!! By maintaining my magnesium levels I managed to avoid GD this time....amazing!!

I can honestly say, this had been the easiest pregnancy of all my pregnancies!

Given my previous history and being classed as high risk, my specialist and GP wanted to induce at 38 weeks like we had done with the girls previously. I went against medical advice and declined this option to the horror of many people! At that stage there was no medical reasons for induction and in all the research I had done i learnt that any form of induction carries its own risks both physically and mentally and Ava's birth certainly backed this up so i wanted this time, which would be my last birthing experience, to be a calming, healing, empowering moment whilst obviously doing this in the safest way possible.

I wasnt naive and knew my birthing plan may need to change as the pregnancy progressed which i was prepared to do and if induction was medically necessary then of course i would agree to it.

Fast forward to the day before Freddies birth. I had been up all Sunday night with Braxton Hicks which wasnt unusual as I had been having these strong for weeks before and thought I'll mention it to my midwife at our weekly CTG the next day. She confirmed I was infact having contractions at 10 minutes apart but as I wasn't in any pain these may fizzle out or progress, it was a waiting game, a game which I was slowly getting over constantly second guessing myself!

As the day went on no change!

Come 10pm that night we were on our way to the hospital. We hardly spoke in the car, nerves were kicking in, not about the labour but at the idea of having another baby and feeling guilty. Poor Ava went to bed that night as normal but when she woke up her whole little world would be changed for good and this was hard for me to accept.

Hooked back up to the monitor, contractions were more regular and I was 3cm dilated. I refused a stretch and sweep to "speed things up" but then Freddies heart rate started to slow down, which wasn't a major cause for concern at this stage but wasnt "normal" for him so we made the decision to break my waters.

We got settled into labour ward and waited for our midwife to arrive.

1am my waters were broke, i was 4cm dilated at this stage, my next check would be 5.30am.

Contractions started coming more regular and more painful pretty much straight away, i couldn't lay down any longer and started to walk, rock my way around the room. I remember poor Darren pacing the floor worrying about us at the same time while trying to "look" calm for my benefit.

My midwife was amazing, not once did she try and make small talk with me (like my notes said) and didn't offer me any pain relief as requested. I knew if she had asked me, in a moment of weakness I may have gave in and i knew I would regret it afterwards.

3am i fell to the floor with the suddeb urge to push. Lauren, my midwife told me to listen to my body and "go with it", it knew exactly what to do and she was right!!

3.33am and Freddie entered the world, on the floor! I remember thinking wow, he's tiny and looks just like Ava....did i seriously just do that, on my own, with no pain relief. Did my birthing plan actually go to plan.....yes, yes it did!

After such a successful birth my placenta had other ideas and didnt want to come out!! After half an hour I agreed to have the injection to birth this as theatre definitely wasn't in my plan! On the last push it finally came out.

Darren left to tell the girls they had a brother as due to covid we wernt allowed any visitors.

10am that day I was at home with my girls and my SON!!

Im so proud of myself and Darren for fully supporting my plans, to have had the exact pregnant and labour i wanted. I still cant believe to this day and get goosbumps thinking about it. Did i really go against medical advice and family worries to give birth spontaneously..YES i did and i wouldn't change a single thing about the events leading up to and during my birthing experience.

My boy is now 11 weeks old and thriving. He knew exactly when he wanted to enter the world and im glad i gave him that and didn't force him before he was ready!

People look at me like im a crazy lady when i tell them my birth was truly amazing and if i could i would do it all again tomorrow!!

[exauhstedsunflower]

Hello!! I’ve been a fan of your fics for while and I just wanna talk about how much I really adore your portrayal of Jane in them. (This might become a ramble but I just really do enjoy it)

I know Jane as a character in the show can be a point of contention for some, but in general I always liked Jane and over time I grew to really appreciate her and her song for what it tries to cover (it really does try a lot, i wish it tried more but i still can help but respect it for what it has). Like I knew it was about emotional abuse just through how much it the chorus makes there relationship seem like a battle as well as just how in denial Jane is (that’s what I believe anyway after looking at it a bunch, that she’s in denial and that she doesn’t actually love Henry but feels like she has to). But i never really saw it handled in the fics very much. Sometimes she’s portrayed as an asshole with no problems of a mother figure with no problems (not to say those fics are bad as people can write what they want). Some People just went with the mindset that she was perfectly fine, that she was more sad about her son than anything else (which yeah she was sad about that but it wasn’t the only thing), that she truly loved Henry. And at face value yeah I can see why people wrote that, but I’m the type of person who loves analyzing things for a greater meaning. So I really wanted to see a Jane that was more dynamic and just some acknowledgement at the greater issues that song (sorta cause the original version is actually much more explicit about it all) brings up.

Your fic series in general with all the queens coping with their own traumas is just phenomenal! All of it is and I love how you looked at the queens who typically get the short end of the stick when it comes to talk about those topics (Catalina and Anna especially were very good). But to focus on Jane, that part was super enlightening to me as it not only went with the ideas I had at the time but help me further develop them into my full thoughts! The way you write Jane just clicked so well with me, idk if I can really put it into words. The way she thinks about her legacy and herself were done in such an amazing way, how she constantly goes back and forwards on certain things cause recovery isn’t linear. Just a really wonderful piece of writing (and all your writing is wonderful!)

I apologize for how big this is, but I just really wanted to write and share my thoughts before I forgot or got cold feet. Anyway I hope you have a lovely day!

This is the nicest ask I have ever received and it absolutely made my night last night when I saw it!! However I was way too tired to fully comprehend words properly and I didnt want to respond to it until I could fully appreciate your kindness. So first of all, THANK YOU! Seriously, this is so great to read.

I was admittedly nervous about writing Jane because my take on her is quite different from a lot of what the fandom likes to see from her. But with How Jane Finds Clarity I got such positive feedback it was so relieving.

I also felt like Jane needed more representation for what she went through besides loss. She had to marry Henry too, right after he had her predecessor murdered!!! That would be scary. And her song,,, if you listen to it and actually pay attention you would hear the actual anxiety building up and the true push and pull nature of their relationship. She was scared and trying to hold onto being 'in love'. She had to be in love. Without that where would she be? Probably dead. She says it so often in the song that it sounds as if shes trying to convince herself.

AND she can be guilty and angry at Anne at the same time. She is a person, people have complicated feelings. I love making characters act more like real people would, and a person with that much baggage would react to her trauma, not just be sad or just flat out rude for no reason.

Also that whole series was very much about how recovery is not linear. I'm so so happy that you enjoyed it. Especially because whilst writing Jane's part I was so sure I wasnt doing it well enough. You have no idea how many times I rewrote every chapter!

I love love love long in depth comments and asks about anything I do. Never apologize for it being too long! The longer it is the happier it makes me tbh. Again thank you so so much.

[ghostphoenix-kry]

k so ur always tagging goofy shit w lilith or amelia, so like i wanna know their deal, like give me a whole info dump

My friend, I will gladly dump some of my shit on them out for you,,, these two are particular favorites along with Sol. Also I am so sorry this turned out so long and so incoherent. I couldnt figure out what all to say about them and I forgot some of the things I could say about them.

Its really long.

I'll start off with the standard Lilith for now.

Lilith is a French musician and criminal in the Cowboy Times that are Red Dead Redemption. A woman with a lot of pride and an inability to take anyone's shit.

She grew up a single child with parents that firmly believed she needed to form herself to their ideas of life. She needed to be as perfect as possible to them and to her future husband. She needed to learn to be the ideal wife or she would fail in life. For years she tried to live up to their expectations but it was never enough and it wasnt healthy at all, so she got fed up with it and left home.

Out there in the 'real world' she developed a talent for musical performance and found out the hard way that relationships are painful and sketchy at best. After falling for the charms and promises of countless pretty faces and kind smiles, the lies coated in sweet words claiming love and devotion, she realized that people lie a lot. And that there were too many pompous men that seemed to think themselves entitled to nightly affection and heart, only to take it and fuck off with it.

Granted, she understood that it was naivety on her end and a want to feel some sense of being wanted that got her there. After a while of hoping the next time would be different and having it end up just the same, she decided she was done. A coldness had begun to sink in then, a hatred and bitterness towards the idea of folks flirting with her or attempting to pull the wool over her eyes with falsified affection.

So, Lilith said fuck this noise, and decided that if those rich and disloyal men were so sure of themselves and their worth to her, that she would use it. She would lean into it while remaining distant.

She would learn to lie incredibly well.

So she did just that. She performed as always, but it wasnt about the pocket change people would give her. Now she would seek out those pompous rich bastards herself, using tactics to suggest interest and letting them decide it was an invitation. Only to leave with them at night and leave them ass up in a ditch, their wallets now marginally lighter, and their faces a bit less perfect.

She became a temptress and a thief. And she became powerful and proud. Travelling from town to town in order to escape the law, she continued her performances and acts, targeting more unfortunate men with a momentous burden being in their wallet.

This said, she isn't inherently bitter towards everyone. But she definitely composes herself with an air of undeniable authority around other people. Essentially a vibe that for the most part tells people not to try anything or they will find her hands in their face before they can catch them.

Within a few small groups, her guard is lowered and she allows herself to be more relaxed though. Letting her usage of French slip out along with her humor and need to be earning her keep and helping out. She is used to being alone, so she wants to contribute somehow to anyone she might be staying with in order to convince herself and others that she is indeed helping. Look! I am doing work! Please let me stay! Usually these are the people she grows fond of and will protect with terrifying ferocity.

She is also at times though, a little bit dumb of ass. Lilith is fluent in French and in English, but there are words still in English that she thinks she knows but does not. For instance she gets confused by the names for baby animals and is quite convinced that quite a few baby animals are just -insert animal name- + "ling" (Piglings, chickenlings, gooselings, etc) In the times her inner idiot shows, she will get very flustered and embarrassed. She feels she is supposed to be smooth and intimidating afterall. Not to mention formal.

Also while she has very much given up on recieving love from another, and is quite against the prospect of a relationship, she does still catch feelings for people on occasion. And it always kind of scares her. But an affectionate or fond Lilith is an incredibly soft one that has a lot of love to give but is a bit hesitant to give it.

Lass is also very maternal in nature, even despite being a bit pissy. She wants to protect.

TLDR; Lilith Streith is bitter French musician and thief who does not trust getting close to men, but does find that the nice ones who are respectful are really super cool and she likes them a lot.

Amelia Alexi on the other hand, is quite the opposite.

Miss Alexi is a Grade-A gunslinger and mercenary in the Cowboy Times, a very annoyed and fed up deputy in FarCry, a S.T.A.R.S. agent that's too willing to fight literally anything in Resident Evil, and overall, a professional pun-slinging dumbass with sleep and trust issues.

I'm going to go with Cowboy Times storyline and traits because it's a bit better thought out at this time.

Amelia grew up with a brother and her parents, all of which she was very close with. She was brought up in a musical family, and a family that was very keen on the idea of being kind and doing what is right. They hunted and grew a good majority of their food, but were well enough liked by the nearby town too. They were good folks that helped a lot of people.

In a series of quite unfortunate events, some of which inadvertantly brought on by herself, Amelia found herself alone, wanted by the law for murder, and riddled with guilt and wrath. Her parents having disappeared on her and her brother, only for her brother to be executed for a crime she committed.

The law failed her brother big time, the judge having said guilty with little to no evidence of her brother's involvement. And seeming how it was her crime, she is so hurt and angered by his death. Wrath builds in her rather quickly, and she takes it out on those who caused it, killing off those crooked men of the law in a fury before stealing a horse and bolting, killing off any pursuers who come too close.

Those mental wounds continue to fester and her rage ends up directed towards the law as an entirety. They are liars and snakes. And if they want to come after her now, she won't hesitate to send them back to their maker.

Despite her resolve, she finds herself faced with nightmares and visions a plenty. Nightmares that startle her awake and leave her in tears. Nightmares about her brother's death, and the death's of so many others she has and hasn't met. They are painful and terrifying to her, so she soon decides the only way to avoid them would be to avoid the medium they come across, sleep.

Thus the first of her horrible care habits begins as Amelia cuts out sleep. Avoiding it at any cost, which soon enough weighs on her and causes a bit of paranoia. Constantly fatigued and constantly on high-alert, she somehow manages to retain her gun-slinging abilities and sharp senses for the most part, but unfortunately finds that her body will forcibly shut down on her and make her black out when it decides its had enough. Usually in rather unfortunate times and places.

The back of her horse

In the middle of a field

In a chair

In a tree

In the middle of cleaning her weapons

All over the place. Not ideal, but she is a surprisingly lucky lass, and nobody goes looking for a killer and expecting her to be passed out in the middle of the road.

Anyway, back to important stuff.

Due to the reputation she gains amongst the law, she finds herself being lassoed into a rather sketchy group of people. A den of vipers, men and women with guns and knives to lend. She finds herself in a guild of mercenaries, run by one Mama Morgen. The Queen of the den.

Amelia is soon enough stuck with the den, being called out to snuff out lives in return for money as well as assurance that Mama Morgen wouldnt turn those hired weapons on her for knowing too much.

While Amelia is usually apathetic anymore, too tired and done with life to care about others and too sure to keep her distance to get close enough to care, she is still a sweet hearted little woman. A lonely one, a tired and jaded one, but a sweet one.

She has odd habits and a sense of humor, finding some amusement in shitty jokes and some peace in playing a nice music piece on her violin. Her fury is strong, but it remains directed at those who wronged her so badly in the past. People aren't inherently bad, she can get along well enough with people, as she has retained her old kindness.

When she is comfortable with someone, she too tends to grow fond and protective of them. While she is far less maternal in nature, she doesnt want her friends to feel any kind of pain or anguish. To her they are deserving of the best and only the best, so she works hard to keep them free of danger or stress. To cheer them up and make them laugh when they do find themselves stressed or hurt. Within the short leddy, there is a lot of care to provide for those that she thinks have earned it.

Amelia can also be a bit sassy and dumb of ass as well. And proves it frequently. Any possible feelings she may catch are not registered as feelings until it hits her like a brick when she realizes that cuddling and snoozing with a person on a nightly basis is not a thing most people do when they're just friends. And trying to do horse tricks and cool stunts in front of a person to impress them is not entirely normal either.

Also, she does a lot of stunts. Miss Alexi is fond of two things: The warmth of a thousand suns, and The Thrill. Has on multiple occasions jumped off of cliffs in order to land in the water below, especially when being pursued. Though she does enjoy being pursued as well, especially in a rather cruel way when it's the law pursuing her.

She is intelligent as a person, but her common sense isn't always present and she is likely to crack a joke or impulsively steal things at inopportune times. There is little impulse control.

She is alive because of luck, spite, and an uncanny ability to shoot really quickly. Nothing more.

[iridescentxstars]

I didnt say that to pressure you into posting, no one has any right to ask anything of you, Im well aware of that. It wasnt to make you feel guilty for not posting, should you decide to take a break, either. But you mentioned losing your motivation to practice something you're passionate about, and on other occasions, that the lack of feedback makes you doubt the quality of your works, and that's what motivated me to write to you. +

Ive said this before and Ill say it again, I enjoy what you write very much, but my appreciation of you goes beyond that. So Ill stay by your side regardless of what you decide to do writing wise. I was just trying to help you keep your passion alive, I didnt realize it came off as an unfair request. You being happy and satisfied with what you do is all I can hope for. I hope you and baby bear are safe as well. Sending you all the best wishes my lovelies 💚 -little 🐻 anon

Oh no, my passion or motivation to write is well and truly there. I have the best muse and ideas coming out my ears (ask @lolothebookworm or @mint-yooxgi because I constantly scream my ideas at them) but the motivation to share has definitely decreased in the past few months due to lack of feedback. @jonginsgarden actually sent me a huge amount of feedback that like made me cry and write and everything because even though I don’t expect it all the time, it was definitely something pure and amazing that took a lot of time for them to do and I loved reading it.

I do doubt my work sometimes, especially if it’s a new thing I’m trying and when you are nervous to try something new and get no response, you do feel like you’ve failed at that. I’ll make an example that many people will be able to see because it’s something that we do or experience in our everyday lives.

As I work in hospitality, I can say that feedback is a powerful thing. People will write reviews that are shitty and terrible but there are those who write something good. A 5 star rating with no comment is like... nice but as a way of perking up the team or showing where we need to improve, the manager will print out all the written reviews and have them in the staff room. Some of these good reviews are just small things like “the food was delicious” “the staff are friendly” “great coffee” but let me tell you - we feel so happy and good reading these. The best times are when a customer takes the time to come up or catch you when walking past to make a comment about how good their coffee was (I’m a barista so I hear this one a lot), I work ten times harder with a huge smile on my face when I hear this comment cos it feels great knowing someone enjoyed my coffee. Just because someone doesn’t say something about my coffees doesn’t mean I lose my enjoyment of making them but it doesn’t make me want to improve, work harder or anything else - I do it because I like my job and I’m paid. As a customer, I always say thank you. Unless it’s really busy and let me tell you this says a lot. If I see a customer walking out and don’t say thanks, I’m like “oh you must not have enjoyed your time here” but when they give a wave, a smile or something, I know they will be back. How many people go to a friend’s house for coffee or a meal and don’t say thank you? How many people don’t make a comment about the food or service they are given when they are out and about - whether to a friend or the staff? My blog is like my home, my writing is like me cooking you a meal - is it so wrong that I expect a thank you?

You, my little 🐻 anon, taking the time to send me asks and saying you support me is all I want so thank you for this. Even if it’s a now and again thing. It’s still appreciated and that’s all a writer wants, a bit of support, appreciation, a thank you or comment about their works. In regards to the “keeping my passion alive”, I’m sorry but I must have misinterpreted the intention of the message, it felt like you were saying that because people don’t give me feedback “for thousands of reasons” that I should still post and not let it affect my love for writing - I’m sorry that I read it that way, that’s why I said it was unfair to expect me to continue to share when no one can even give me time out of their day to give feedback. My passion for writing hasn’t dwindled at all, it’s the want to share that passion that has and I think it’s not just me that feels that way as I know a lot of people that have either moved to other places and abandoned their blogs or continue to write but no longer share online. 

Things are good, baby bear has been enjoying school and now that she can read well - she’s informing me that “Paw Patrol PJs only cost $10″ so we having fun with learning the value of money and earning that money when we want things. I hope you are well, please continue to take care of yourself and thank you for your support. It might not sound like it right now but I mean it when I say that it really truly means a lot to me <3

[traumawings]

long vent, sorry

i always feel like i'm lying, even though im not

my emotions always feel so,, fake, like im acting in a tv show, sometimes they dont even really feel like my own??

my thoughts sometimes feel forced, as if they're not really mine??

and all these memories feel so distant, like i know it happened to me but it feels like im just looking at someone else

no matter what i do, i always feel so,, unreal, incorrect, like somethings off/missing, but idk what

i recently found an email i sent myself back in 2016, where im just talking to myself like im talking to someone else?? i like told myself something along the lines of ''dont forget this thing, dont be stupid'' and then responded to myself with a ''yeah yeah i know'' and then ''yeah okay, just checking to be sure'' and??? wtf???

i cant really remember that?? like i used a word for 'stupid' (english isnt my native language btw) that i cant remember ever using?? i only have a sort of,, intuitive feeling/memory (?) of the very first line of the email, but i dont remember the rest

and ive always talked to myself, hell i still do it, all the time

i talk to myself like im talking to another person, but theres no one there, and i only 'act out' my part of the conversation

i dont think i hear voices tho? or have actual blackout moments? although i did ask my mom recently and she did say that as a child, i'd sometimes look like i'd just 'woken up', even though i wasnt asleep in the first place

and that my skills would vary greatly, so like one moment i would be really good at something, and then later on i was suddenly really clumsy while doing the same thing

and i would always make up a lot of oc's, like a lot

and i would, and still do, daydream very intensely and just like 24/7, with these characters

and the characters would make moves or do/say things that didnt feel entirely predictable to me?? even though it was technically me controlling all of that??

and when i'd act out the character, it almost felt like i just,, became that character

i would even get really sad and dissapointed when i remembered that i couldnt do things with them like start a youtube channel or smth, because they weren't real, didn't have a physical body

and i know this sounds kinda like DID/OSDD but i dont have that i think, because i dont actually really blackout

like its not like im doing a thing, then suddenly 'come back to' doing something else or that im suddenly in a different place or smth

so i just, feel fake

my brains just constantly trying to diagnose me

like everytime i notice i relate to a certain disorder or anything, i just become completely obsessed with that and start researching it and everything

and i feel so guilty while doing it, like im disrespecting the people who actually struggle with that disorder

thats also the reason i still really struggle to call myself traumatized, because i feel like im making it up, like im being dramatic

ive just become obsessed with trying to put a name to all of this

i have so many different kinds of symptoms that can often even contradict each other, that i just dont know what this is

and im scared of being misdiagnosed, i mean i dont wanna disrespect the professionals who actually studied for it, but i constantly fear theyre going to get it wrong because i feel like im not being honest, like theres something im not telling them but! idk! what!

and its so frustrating

i just constantly contradict myself

thats also why i struggle with taking personality tests because well everyone can relate to all of the answers right?? and when i take a test like that, i again, feel like im lying, even though im not, i think?

the thing is, i want a diagnosis, yknow just to put a name to it ig or for attention like i dont even know anymore

but like, i dont want the help, but i know that thats the only reason really that they diagnose people, to set up a treatment plan

but i dont want treatment, i want to get worse

i hate myself for this but, ive even daydreamed of being admitted to a psych ward

and i feel bad for it, because i know that a lot of people wish that they'd never been admitted, but i want to be

i want to be hurt, to be abused, i deserve to be

maybe then ill finally feel valid

but i never will

im not struggling, im just lazy

i should just shut up

but i cant

i cant stop talking, im sorry

im sorry for posting so much, for being so obnoxious

my brain just decided that apparently we need to hyperfocus on our horrible mental health and dissect it to try to pinpoint what the hell all of this is

so i ask of you, please bear with me

im annoyed by me too

im sorry

[yellowbluemoonshine]

Shimura Family (Observation)

I want to talk about Shimura family, ( maybe a little about their personalities), perspectives and their relationships. i just feel like needed to explain.

(well its not canon, its just my observation.)

Koutaro:

he was a normal kid, basically no different from kota (or maybe bakugou or todoroki or maybe even endeavour but not that far.)

he had a good relationship with Nana but Nana left him to save the world. think about from Koutaro s perspective. whatever reason is he abadoned him. it doesnt matter for world or not. his mother, it was his mother, she had to chose him. this is how Koutaro feel. well, which is understandable. every kid feel like that. What Nana did was wrong, whatever reason is. its not weird that koutaro hated heroes.

Koutaro had a foster family. we have no idea what happenned. but looks like after all these years, koutaro still couldnt handle his trauma. Koutaro is the type who is bond of his family too much. he was living with his daughter in parents. this means he doesnt call them or they probably died.

Koutaro is really strict with rules. he is very cold, distant but not a bad guy. he is similar to shoujo manga's boy protagonist. Koutaro was traumatized. he is hardworking and succesfull man. he must really worked hard to have that house.

well, Koutaro is the type who really cares about family, just like Kota so i dont believe he ever abused his wife or his grandparents. i think its opposite. he has a really good relationship with them. Tenko s mom s parents probably knew koutaro s painfull childhood. thats why they probably support him and became his family. i believe koutaro s wife and her parents became his family and really support him.

koutaro had a close relationship with them, thats why he was completely ok with living with them. he even made a house to live with them. he loved his wife and her parents. also his wife and her parents love koutaro too.

now, his wife and her parents knew koutaro s past so they didnt talk about heroes to not make sad koutaro. but children are different case. they dont know their father s story and they are children, you know. hero society and children, young kids have an admiration to heroes, its a normal thing.

well, now. koutaro never hit them. the day tenko s quirk activated was the first time he used violence. before then, he never hit them. but when they talked about heroes, he scold them.

koutaro is not a bad guy but he is not a good father, unfortunately. maybe its because he never had a father before. he felt warm family thing after all these years and he cant loose them. koutaro was really afraid of loosing them. heroes are risking their lifes to save others. all koutaro wants is not loosing his family. this is all he wants. just his way is wrong. and let me add this. his actions might be understandble but definitely not excusable. what he did to Tenko is definitely horrible.

the biggest and the most horrible thing koutaro did is how he treat to his kids, mostly to tenko. (i will explain it in tenko part)

Hana:

she had a close realtionship with tenko and especially her mother. i dont think that hana was scolded many times like tenko had. big posibility, tenko was the first person who talked about heroes in that house. hana probably saw what happenned to tenko and she became more carefull about this subject. she probably was scolded too but i dont think she had a punishment like tenko had. she had a courage to go in to father s room and she didnt feel stress like tenko did. shortly it doesnt look like it.

then what happenned? i think hana saw many times that his brother had a punishment cause of hero subject. she obviously couldnt do anything since she is just a child. she didnt understand why her father acted like that. thats why she simply support his brother. but hana also wanted to be a hero, then why she didnt get punishment like her brother? i think after seeing tenko like that and you know, she couldnt understand her father s actions, she didnt care how her father think about this.

i think hana didnt like her father cause how he was so mean to them for no reason. actually more like, she just didnt mind or care that much. at least, this is what hana thought. hana didnt accept her father s actions, thats why she was probably distant to her father and closer to her mother and grandparents.and thats why she never need to feel guilty about anything. . this is why hana wasnt affected that much like tenko. cause tenko was blaming himself while hana knew that who should be blamed about it. she knew that her father is wrong. thats why she didnt mind that much. she didnt blame herself like tenko did.

and she probably didnt into heroes that much like her brother. of course she liked heroes too like every kid. but i think his brother loved heroes much more, compared to hana. this is how hana still had a strong personality. yeah, she had and the reason is: to be able to see the things as they are.

(well she ignored koutaro s perspective though but at least she know what he did was wrong and thanks to her mother s support, it didnt affect her that much, while it completely destroyed tenko.)

she probably saw everything, unlike tenko. she saw her father did hurt tenko. she understood that tenko didnt do anything wrong and his father is wrong. she saw her grandparents and her mother s couldnt do anything about it. she also saw tenko s pain. but she was a child. so thats it. thats why, only thing she could was support her brother. well, she didnt take tenko s condition that serously since she was just a child. she didnt mind that much. she saw everything but well maybe not everything.not that much. but at least she was able to understand who is wrong here.

and that day, i dont believe koutaro did hit hana. she was probably got scold and it made her scared so much which is normal. she was hugging her mother and to not get hurt, she lied. hana lied to not get hurt by koutaro and again like always. she did the same thing like before but this time what she did hurt her brother. she had no idea what she started. after then she apologised but it was too late since her brother s quirk activated cause of the stress he had been through.

well, she had no idea what happenned. after seeing monchan like that, she simply ran away cause she was too scared. i think at that moment only thing she thought was running away. she didnt think like “i will leave my brother like that” or “what will happen to my brother, if i run away”. she was just scared and didnt even think about it. she simply ran away.

EXTRA about Hana: horikoshi doesnt give character s name, if it doesnt important that much. we got koutaro cause his existence is important, not just for tenko s story, also for this story. to show that what happens to hero s family and how they feel. but hana s existence is not important for the story. why we got her name? why author said how he had a close relationship with her brother. these informations were unnecessary for this story. i think hana is probably alive (maybe thanks to her quirk, she survived) or something about her will affect tenko again.

Tenko s mom:

She loved her husband and she probably did support koutaro with her family. she knew how much he was hurt about it thats why she was supportive to her husband with her parents. but she is also aware of that how kids were sad about this. she was worried about them, especially for tenko. cause her support did work on hana but it didnt work on tenko. tenko just couldnt hold his hero love inside of him and he was punished constantly by his father. tenko s mom knew how much tenko was sad about it. btw i dont think she know what is his son s allergy.

she knew why her husband acted like that. she knew that koutaro cared about his kids too, unlike Hana. she knew he did all that to not loose them. thats why she didnt do anything about it. she probably didnt want tenko to hate from his father. she was worried about them so much but she did nothing cause it wasnt a “big deal” until that day.

the first time koutaro used violence. she couldnt protect her son cause hana was holding to her. after that violence, tenko s mom decided that koutaro crossed the line. she cant let this anymore. koutaro also agreed with that. they crossed the line but it was too late.

tenko s mom was the only person who tried to help her son. its because that she knew how much hard it is for tenko. she saw tenko s pain and couldnt do anything about it for a long time. and even seeing her son s activating or maybe she even saw her daughter and dog are dead but she knew that tenko wasnt doing that on purpose.

maybe thats why his mother s hands are the ones choking his neck. cause her help made him feel more remorse.

his mother knew that tenko is also victim too. thats why she didnt hesitate for even one moment to trying to save her son. cause only thing she knew is that her son needed help. but it was too late, unfortunately.

Tenko s Grandparents:

Just like Tenko s mom, they knew koutaro s story and they probably feel gratefull about how koutaro take care of them. koutaro basically made a house for them, because he sees them as his family. they must feel really gratefull about it. and you know, they probably knew his story.

only thing they did was cheering him. cause its not like a “big deal”, also probably they didnt want tenko to hate from his father. they saw tenko is sad about it but i dont think they understand tenko s pain like their daughter. they loved koutaro and also their grandson. i dont think they did take this case seriously. well, in past time “abusing a child is raising”, this is what people who lived in old times believed. so maybe thats why they didnt take this case seriously. they just watched and they died just like that. they didnt understand how much important this for tenko.

i heard this from someone else. tenko wanted to hear “you can be a hero” thing from his grandparents, not from his father, sister or mother. just from his grandparents. like you know: if nana, his other grandparent was alive, she would say it for him. which is just an another tragic thing about tenko s story.

Tenko:

Tenko was a kind kid who probably just helped to people. thats probably why he wants to be a hero. cause you know, shigaraki is not the type who cares about fame or money or ambition or these kind of things.

tenko just wanted to be a hero. and it was a normal thing so he simply talk about it. its not like he is doing something wrong, he just want to be a hero. he was a good, obedient kid. its not like he wants to against his father s rules. he would simply accept it without questionning but he probably just couldnt help his hero soul.

he was constantly punished cause of it. he knew that his father would angry at him. but he couldnt hold himself about heroes. he probably loved them too much. but he also feel guilty about it cause his love to heroes made his father angry. unlike hana, tenko emphatize with his father and he justified his father s actions. what koutaro did was wrong but tenko didnt know what to believe.

there is a side of him think that simply loved heroes and “why cant i?”, “its not like i am doing something wrong” and there is also side of him think like “i made my father angry”, “ i must have done something wrong”. he had no idea whats going on. only think he knew is there is something going on here but he just couldnt understand. the reason he was so confused is because of he was trying to think like “my father must had a reason for that”, “maybe i am the one who is wrong here”.

now, i will talk about this punishment. yeah koutaro didnt use a violence until that day but he didnt let tenko to stay at home when tenko did something “wrong”. from outside, it looks like something simple. but no. actually ths is horrible.

cause tenko basically did nothing wrong and got punished for no reason. and its like ”he cant come home because he is not part of this family”. “as long as you love heroes, you cant become part of this family”. but loving heroes is what made tenko who he is, then basically, “as long as, you became who you are, you cant become part of his family” this is what made tenko think. this is basically pyscologic torture.

(we knew that tenko felt a lot of stress at that 🏠, he couldnt be himself, hero. he was constantly being punished for no reason. sometimes we felt pycsical pain cause of stress we have. adults can simply say “i feel pain/stress” but kids can not describe these kind of things, abstract concepts. so shortly tenko cant describe his pain. “it itches” is the way he is saying“i am in pain”.)

in shimura family, no one took this case seriously. but this is how tenko probably felt. he couldnt become who he is. he suffered every moment at home. thats why he felt itchy at house.  tenko s himself even probably didnt even understand his own feelings. he just felt pain and he tried to hold himself. even tenko s himself couldnt get that he needs help.

only thing he knows is his father is angry at him. his mother and grandparents did nothing about it. its like everything is tenko s fault. thats why there is always an unfair feeling, anger inside of tenko which is completely normal. he hold it for a long time. he always endured that pain.

that day, his emotions got exploded and his quirk activated. he may have said “ i hate everything/everyone” but it was a childish hate that everyone would say when they having hard times. when his quirk activates, he couldnt stop that quirk.

a little child cant think “i hate them, i will kill them” at that moment. it was an accident, obviously. you can see tenko was begging for help from his behaviours and only person who saw tenko s pain was his mother. maybe thats why her mother s hands are on his neck. its because his mother made him guilty more than others.

it wasnt his fault but cause of his feelings, that happenned so he couldnt help but feeling guilty even though it wasnt his fault at all. but tenko was blaming himself thats why he apologised from his father like everything happenned is his fault. tenko s feeling guilty also made koutaro think like that. first thing he did was using violence, not helping. he never saw his son as a victim. he probably felt guilty about using violence but still, he always feel guilty after he did really hurt tenko.

he also loved his son and cared about his family. he just didnt want to loose him and he thinks punishment was necessary but he had no idea he lost his kid cause of these punishments. he never understood tenko s pain. and he didnt think that tenko couldnt stop his quirk. he said “stop” like tenko was doing that on purpose.

so basically koutaro s anger made tenko think like tenko is the one who is wrong. cause tenko tried to emphatise with his father, with his abuser. while tenko s feeling guilty made koutaro underestimate tenko s pain. maybe thats why future shigaraki think that “i did that on purpose” “there was no tragedy” since no one treat him as a victim. koutaro and tenko didnt have a chance to understand each other cause of tragedy. well if koutaro tried better, it wouldnt end like that. he caused his own death.

but from tenko s perspective, there is no way tenko could be able to understand his family. he couldnt understand his father s anger since his father only just punished him for being “HIMSELF”. his mother and grandparents did nothing like it was tenko s fault. he had to endure it.

hana supported him but that day, she “betrayed” (left) him like that twice. she lied and she ran away. well tenko probably would forgive first one even though he couldnt understand that she lied cause she was simply scared. but twice, hana ran away like tenko did it on purpose. like tenko is the one who should be scared of. hana maybe didnt do it that on purpose but her actions cause this tragedy a lot.

his grandparent did the same thing. they just stand there like tenko doesnt need help. his father also did that so everything made tenko believed that he is not a victim. which is completely tragic since he is the biggest victim in his story, in this story.

and ignored by other people, also afo s saying to him “yeah you are causing trouble but its not your fault. you just born like that” -_- even though tenko is not trouble, he is just victim who needs help.

and even after destroying his father s hand, we are seeing he is copying his trauma.

he still couldnt get over it, obviously and he had no choice to believe that “i born like that” to run away from guilty feeling but also run away to fact that he is victim who needs help but still ignored by others. tenko never had a chance to understand anything in his life. his condition keeps getting worse. he is being more and more broken which is so tragic. :’/.

(also toga and twice s are not healing but being more broken than before.)

i just wanted to explain every shimura family s perspectives. btw yeah their reasons are understandable but its definitely not excusable. hana was child so i will pass that. his grandparents and mother were worried about tenko but they did nothing. also you know koutaro yeah he was traumatized but it doesnt excise anything. shimura family s biggest mistake was “not taking seriously”. but little things we underestimated might turn a big damage for someone else. not just shimura family, the reason why shigaraki s life was destroyed is cause of “not taking serously”, basically “ignorance”.

well, i think they were good people but they made tenko feel abandoned & they made him feel grave remorse so i cant help but feeling angry to them, just like tenko. even though i understand them, unlike tenko who keep blaming himself. in tenko / shigaraki s story, everybody have understandable reasons (except afo -_-) but it doesnt excuse their actions and i cant help but feeling anger to them especially when i think tenko s all life.

thank you for reading this. sorry for bad eng. see ya! :PPP (its not canon and i might be wrong about somethings too.)