#like i know its very much an over reaction and it shouldnt affect me as much as it has.at the same time. i dont really know what to do

[tunglrsillyman]

in regards to last rb, Posts that made me realize i should consider into getting help

[trans-leek-cookie]

Ok now that I think abt it that was very shitty of Diane to do

[hobilluvvr]

lost ocean troubles | 2

college au! sub!armin x dom!reader

words - 2.7k

warnings - vomit, blood, mentions of abuse , injuries

parts - |

~

so incredibly sorry for this late update but testing season is approaching and I need to study sadly :/ this part is very rough with spelling errors and grammar but will be revised later !

please enjoy this update and constructive criticism is always welcomed :D . If you want to be added to the tag list please don’t hesitate to ask !

taglist - @haikyoonn @kenmas-nintendoswitch

~

The flowers had this magnificent pale blue color to them, the sun hitting them just at the right angle and the sage leaves accented the stem, the weight of the beautiful petals making the stem slightly wilt downwards .

this piqued armins interest, so much so that he walked towards them , feet trudding against the soft sand. As he comes close the overwhelming smell of coconut with a hint of sea saltseasalt overwhelmes his senses, his nose srunching up in question, the scent resembling of clean linen,a quite odd observation , even more so for a flower .

Just as he reaches to pick the flower up, the sun all of the sudden blazes furiously, the rays bouncing everywhere and blinding armin, now groaning as he squirms in abrupt discomfort. His feet dig at the sand … or what was the sand… the feeling of plush fabric instead meeting his skin, surrounding his body in comfort and warmth.

Snuggling further into this random source of heat, the sudden realization hits him. His eyes open the tiniest bit and he stops for a moment … this isnt the beach… in fact he’s laying on a bed… an unknown bed

At this his body jolts upward and armin frantically looks around his surroundings, the white pillows and the grey blanket not correlating in his mind as his. ‘This isnt my room’ the panic quickly sets in, quickly throwing the blanket aside and standing up abruptly which proves to be a grave mistake as a headache and the urge to vomit surges up his throat.

He clutches his stomach as he runs to the bathroom ,quickly kneeling over the toilet, emptying the contents of his stomach, the acidity already making his throat burn angrily. The sound of quick footsteps echo the walls and he goes to turn his head towards the door when the second round of bile threatens to escape his throat.

His ingers clutch the toilet ,violently puking when a second presence is felt . armin feels someone kneel next to him and gently rub at his back

“Its okay , its okay ,let it all out “ you push his bangs away from his face while the other hand rubs at his back . armin lifts his head up ,groaning as he moves away from the toilet feeling his head throb way too violently.

You hand him the cup of water and pain killer you set down when you entered the bathroom

“Here take this, dont move too much . your head is most likely killing you” he takes the items and pops the pill in his mouth quickly downing it with the water. When he sets the cup down he looks at you ,eyes squinting, clearly confused

“Where am i ?”

You chuckle lightly, standing up and lean against the counter “you dont remember anything do you huh?” the boy sitting on the floor thinking ...

Suddenly armin visibly stiffens, his cheeks flushing “uh w-ww di-idnt do i-it ,rig-ght?” his eyes all of the sudden finding great interest on the floor tiles .

You give him a light smile and laugh even louder this time “no, no we didnt ,dont worry about that. Here cmon” you reach out a hand to lift him up off the floor

He takes your hand sheepishly ,shoulders relaxing in relief, his red cheeks calming down “ then what happened? Why am i here ?” he asks following you out of the bathroom and into the room.

You cringe at the events that happened the previous night and you wonder if you should tell him everything. You head over to your drawers and open them, turning your back to the stumbling boy “well you got extremely wasted and this creep saw that you were alone and he tried messing with you but i took care of it”

your hands clench harshly at the shirt you were holding thinking about the old fuck. God humans can be pieces of shit

“Oh.” armins bit his lip and he desperately tried to remember exactly what happened , your answer being quite vague , but this did nothing but make his head throb once again . wincing in pain he goes to lifts his hand up to hold his head when he notices the bandages around his wrists ‘what happened ?did i get injured ?’

After picking out what you needed , you turned to face him and you catch his line of sight , looking at his wrists . as if you heard what his thoughts you say “ the perv was being really aggressive towards you and he injured you quite badly but i brought you up to my apartment and fixed you up a bit “giving him a warm smile you hold out the clothes you had previously searched for

“ here , take this and clean your self up a bit then i can take you home, yeah ? you got a little bit of a stain forming on you “ you chuckle, head nodding towards the vomit on the shirt before walking out ,leaving him in the room alone

His eyes widen at your comment immediately rushing to the bathroom and sure enough his vomit is all over the shirt , the mirror reminding him of his earlier commotion . armin sighs in embarrassment ,blue eyes scanning his appearance, finally now knowing how much of a hot mess he looks like . he notices another bandage on his face, his cheek specifically , a bit of blood staining the white bandage along with another few scratches all over his face.

His finger traces around his facial injuries ‘wow, what exaclty happened last night ?’

He shakes his head , not wanting his head to pound again, instead just focusing his attention on the shirt you gave him noticing that it looks similar to the dirty one he is wearing currently.

‘Oh god …..dont tell me …. Im wearing her clothes ‘ the realization hits him and his ears turn an angry shade of red. ‘God how much more of a burden can he be to you ?’ he groans before closing the bathroom door

…

As soon as you close the door , your eyes land on a very dishevled eren leaving his room , hand shielding his squinting eyes away from the harsh sunlight “what happened ? i heard what sounded like someone vomiting” his morning voice rasping out, following you to the kitchen and sitting down on the kitchen bar stool

“Oh he woke up and well... , you know how hangovers are like “ you open the fridge , scanning the interior “wait why is the fridge empty ? i thought i told you it was your turn to go grocery shopping this time ? what happened ? “ you frown turning towards him, crossing your arms

Eren only yawns and stretches his body, not seeming to mind that you were glaring holes at him “dont you remember ? i couldnt go so you said we’d go together after we ate something yesterday but then you got too caught up fighting someone if i recall correctly ” he confidently said, fingers tapping at his chin , eyes meeting yours, glaring back.

You sigh giving up “ ahh yeah i remember now….” you take a quick glance around the kitchen and see nothing of nutritional value “ the hell are we going to eat then ? and why didnt you clean up the medical supplies from last night ?” you badger him looking at the medical supplies messily strewn all over the counter

Eren scrunches his face , hand running through his bedhair, still groggy from just waking up a few minutes ago “ we can always just doordash something” he picks up the bottle of rubbing alcohol remebering how you carried armin into the apartment when he passed out and set him on the couch leaving eren to tend to his wounds.

*

Just as armin was falling , passing out after just vomiting all over you , you quickly grab at his waist and preventing him from hitting his head on the floor . the stench of the vomit was awfully intense and you scrunch your nose trying to stop the smell from affecting you “ can you be any faster over there ? you tease seeing him struggle with the keys , his fumbling being weirdly endearing somehow

“Im trying , im trying. I swear this cold is messing me up or something “ he puffs out now fumbling with inserting the key right . you roll your eyes upon seeing this , giving a light chuckle before reaching a hand underneath the blonde boys legs and bringing them towards your chest, effectively lifting him up bridal style.

You walk into the apartment and set the boy softly onto the couch before looking down to the mess that your clothes are in , heading towards the bathroom “ hey eren could you patch him up for me ? i have to clean myself up before he’s not the only one with body fluids all over the floor.” you smirk

Eren scoffs “dont you go throwing up on me , you hear ? i just mopped the floors yesterday and im sure as hell not letting you mess my hard work up “ he hears your distant laugh down the hallway , before the sound of boots fade, leaving him alone with the boy

Eren looks at the boy slowly sliding down on the couch and ultimately sighs before going to the cabinet where all the medical supplies are stored. He opens it while lowly muttering “just cause my dad was a doctor and he taught me a few things doesnt mean i have to tend to everyones wounds “

Grabbing a few bandages and bandaids, and rubbing alcohol, he grabs a stool and places it in front of the boy. ‘Your injuries shouldnt be that bad ‘ he thinks before he lifts the boy and positions him upright. Immediately the sight of scarce blood and vomit greets erens eyes . eren winces in slight sympathy and disgust before he wipes armins face clean with the cloth he has in hand and disinfecting the wounds next

The rubbing alcohol stirred a reaction out of the blonde boy seeing as he squirmed in discomfort , the position he was put in faltering, falling into the nearest thing, which so happened to be erens chest, more specifically his neck

Eren was flustered ,not knowing what to do he freezes , his ears turning red upon feeling the shallow breath of the boy on, his sensitive neck . Eren looks down and he admires the peaceful features on the petite boy .’he looks so peaceful, pretty even ‘ eren stares for a bit before he snaps out of it and pushes the boy off his chest , tending to his wounds , doing what he first came to do.

*

“ i left the supplies out because i knew i would have to tend to your wounds too “ he gets up , walking to the other side of the bar, heading where you are

You squint your eyes in visible confusion “ my wounds ? what are you talking about ?” he scoffs rolling his eyes, “dont play dumb with me , you beat up someone to a bloody pulp and dont expect any damage to your hands, more specifically your damn knuckles ? “

He reaches down, grabbing your hand and lifting them up as to make a point “look at this “ you look down towards your hand and the sight of multi colored bruises,blood and even some open skin greets you.

“ you didnt let me tend to them yesterday so let me do it now “ you meet eyes and his are practically pleading you, but before you get to open your mouth to say anything, you hear rustling and you look behind eren to see what it is .

Armin is awkwardly standing there in the living room, the clean shirt you gave him reaching his knees , and the sweatpants a bit too baggy . you have to physically stop yourself from cooing , the sight being way too adorable for you to handle this early in the morning

Eren senses his presence as well , turning around , both of you guys forgetting about your previous conversation . you clear your throat, sensing some sort of tension in the room “ hey youre finally out ! i was going to make you something to eat but turns out the fridge is empty “ you rub your neck sheepishly , making a mental note to go grocery shopping asap .

Armins eyes widen at this , his hands extending and quickly shaking “ oh no no , please you dont have to, i dont want to be more of a bother than i already am ,” he shyly looks down at the floor , swinging his body , slightly nervous

You smile seeing his cute habit of not making eye contact, fetching your car keys off the wall “ well i bet youre missing your home right ? i can drive you home now if you want “ you also grab the plastic bag off the floor by the corridor

Armin seems to stiffen again , eren now chuckling , his hands stuffed in his sweatpants , noticing how the blonde boy seems way to nervous around you guys . armin looks at eren momentarily before he looks at the floor again ‘ how the hell do you guys look so good this early in the morning ‘ he thinks ‘ meanwhile here he is looking all messed up ‘

“I actually dont live too far away, i can walk home by myself “ armin lies straight out of his teeth , clearly not doing it well judging by the look of your face . youre not convinced seeing as the whole reason why he’s here in the first place was because he was wandering alone.

“ id feel much better knowing that someone is walking you home , i dont want a repeat of what happened yesterday .” you bite your lip, now staring more intensely at the boy in front of you

Armin mentally groans ‘ damn you and your kindness, why cant you get the hint that he doesnt want to hassle you any longer ?’

“Well um … “ he pauses, intensely thinking of a solution that doesnt involve him burdening you guys any further when he hears some shuffling and then someone handing a phone to him. Armin looks up and green eyes stare back at him

“Do you have anyone you can call ? a friend maybe to come pick you up ? “ eren suggests , reading right through the boy

“ o-oh y-yes i do umm thank you , for your phone i mean “ armin scrambles to take the phone and calls his roommate , knowing for sure she is freaking out about his whereabouts

He hands the phone back to eren and shuffles his feet “ luckily she is around the area and can pick me up in 5 minutes , i can wait outside …” you ponder for a second at this suggestions , before ultimately nodding

“Yeah sounds like a solid plan , okay , here take this bag before you head out “ you hand it over and armin looks at you and tilts his head slightly “ its your clothes from last night , i washed them and folded them , oh and your bag is also inside “ you explain while he peeks at the contents inside grief striking his face

‘How much exaclty did you do for him , he’s the worst guest ever in history , throwing up all over your bathroom ‘ he cringes at the thought. He's definitely gonna think about this experience at night,when he reminisces about all the embarrassing moments he's had in his lifetime

“Thank you guys so much for all youve done , i really do appreciate it “ armin rubs at his nape laughing out softly “ well i should get going “ he goes to the entrance, hand on the knob

“Yeah absolutely no problem , take care pretty boy ! “ you say waving , smiling brightly when you see his cheeks flush once more , eren just nodding goodbye . he waves a small goodbye before leaving , closing the door gently . sighing in relief when he got out.

Armin walks out into the street and sure enough there is his roommate , waiting and the look on her face looks not so pleasantly happy .he knows what is going to happen. he opens the car door ready to hear her badgering soon enough

“Look , mikasa , i can ex-” not so shortly as he begins his sentence, she yells out

“WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOUVE BEEN ? DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED SICK I WAS WHEN YOU DIDNT PICK UP MY MANY PHONE CALLS ? ARE THOSE BANDAGES IM SEEING? “ armin winced at her reprimations, slowly sinking further into the passenger seat as she kept rambling, knowing that he has to face her wrath for the whole drive home .

he still has no clue as to what exactly happened last night, the only thing he can do is hope his memories would come back soon and clear up his many questions

[seriouslysam8]

Hello, Sam!

I have just started reading your series Moments in Time that I saw Breanie recommended and I must say, it is absolutely wonderful so far!

Croup: This was not at all what I expected! I stumbled across this universe recommended on Breanie’s tumblr and thought I better start in order. PUH-Tunia really is a bitch! You can just see the abuse already inflicted on him and he’s only three! The mental anguish of a three year old being told he can’t have nice things because he breaks them can’t have been good for poor Harry! No wonder’s so unsure of everything later on. Yelling at him because he’s sick like it’s his fault! Im surprised she even gave him medicine! Wanting him to sleep outside in the “frigid air” and only deciding not to because the neighbours might see really says a lot about her personality. Ive never read anything from Petunia’s point of view before but well done. I hate her even more than before. I look forward to following this new adventure that is your moments in time universe. Great read!

The Boggart of Grimmauld Place: This was just so heartwarming! Harry getting to spend even a little time with Remus and Sirius at Grimmauld Place was what was missing from canon. Memories of his grandparents, learning about them. It was just lovely! When Harry is ashamed of wanting Sirius to embrace him a little longer my heart ached for that poor boy who never got to feel real hugs and affection. He thinks he should be ashamed for wanting to feel it and he shouldnt! I blame for petunia for that. I meant to say that in Croup how she touched his forehead to check for a fever and he flinched like he’d been expecting her to hit him. Poor poor little Harry. I love how you play on the connection here between Harry and Sirius and even parallel it to the Potters and Weasleys. Harry being surprised that he would be in Sirius’ will at all. Harry just being surprised that people care about him. Makes me want to just give him a hug! What abeautiful story! Thank you.

Hide and Seek: This was so fun! I love the thought of them all playing hide and seek in Grimmauld Place and everyone joining in! Remus and Tonks making out in the cupboard was the best! It was definitely my favourite part and Sirius just teasing them! Hermione thinking something happened between Harry and Ginny. I loved how Harry opened up a little to Ginny. You could see he was actually really comfortable with her in a way he’s not with people. Absently massaging her wrist, touching her. He was caught up in her without realizing he was caught up in her. Adorable! The second addition was wonderful! I love how Ginny just took control, loosening his tie, taking off his jumper… they are the superior couple! While I am a tad disappointed to not see them making out at the end, I loved this story. Thank you.

Seventeen: Wow! This was a story I didn’t know I needed. Harry and Ron lovingly admitting they’re brothers warms my soul. I love that touch of giving them matching watches! Was that canon? If not it should be. Mrs weasley feeling guilty over Sirius is so like her. She loves and cares for Harry as if he’s her own son and it’s wonderful to see. The last bit with Ginny was perfect! They definitely had to do more than the uninterrupted kiss and I love how Harry just basked in her. The end made me so sad! His heart breaking over missing her birthday, lost opportunities. Very beautifully done! These one-shots are amazing and I look forward to reading more of them. Thank you.

The Demise of Walburga Black: This was absolutely amazing! The image you crafted of them laughing like lunatics as they destroyed her portrait was awesome! What I like most so far about your writing is how you gently weave in Harry’s relationship with the Weasleys. I love the idea of George moving in with him and Ron, that Harry would offer his home to him like that. I love that Harry goes to Mr Weasley for renovation advice. I think its so hot that Harry would renovate the Muggle way (so sexy to see men in a tool belt and I’m going to assume he’s shirtless and sweaty). I love that it was Angelina’s idea and how you casually had Ron toss in that George and Angelina were already sleeping together. George not really being drunk, is that because he drank a lot to cope with Fred’s death? I think it is. Harry’s reaction to being caught by Mrs Weasley, how his guilt eases into pleasure that Mrs Weasley would call both himself and Ron George’s “younger brothers” and his glee in being lectured by her in a motherly fashion. And dont even get me started on the scene with Ginny! The way he gushed on his drunken ramblings about making a home with her and wanting to raise a family and her not wanting to get her hopes up because he’s so drunk! I laughed out loud when Harry said that drunk Harry wants to do dirtier things with her or something like that. Just wonderful all around! Where’s Teddy in this story? I know he lives with Andromeda in canon but I thought I read that you have Harry raising him. Ah well, maybe the next tale will answer that question! Thank you.

That’s all I’ve had time to read so far, but I just wanted to say thank you for writing such a rich and vast universe! I can definitely see why Breanie recommends you so much! I have a few questions if you don’t mind.

1) What made you decide to write a story about Harry’s early childhood from the point of view of Petunia instead of Harry?

2) Do you think Petunia and Vernon physically abused Harry when he was little? It’s fairly obvious he had psychological abuse, but do you think there was more?

3) Do you think Ron and Hermione knew Harry had never played childish games like hide and seek as a child? Do you think the others knew and that’s why they all agreed to join in?

4) When do you think Harry actually started to notice Ginny? Was it in his fifth year and he just didn’t realize or do you think it was later? There is the scene where she puts him in his place over the possession bit and of course when they get kicked out of the library together. What are your thoughts?

5) Was it canon that Ron and Harry have the watches of Mrs Weasley’s brothers?

6) Do you believe George could handle his alcohol better because of his age or were you insinuating he had become accustomed to the drink after losing Fred?

7) Where is Teddy when Harry lives at Grimmauld Place? From the summaries of your stories I got the impression Harry raised him. But I haven’t read any further so I may be wrong.

Sorry for so many questions, but I am curious. I look forward to reading more. Thank you for your time. You’re amazing and I love your work! Thank you.

I have been following your review journey and getting more and more excited the further you get into the universe!! I am going to try my damndest to answer all these asks you’ve sent today but I have an incredibly busy weekend, so it may take me a little bit to answer them all especially if you’re asking specific questions since I won’t have access to my computer a lot. So, I will answer all your asks, but give me the weekend because I want to give you the best and most detailed answers I can!

1.) Honestly, Croup and Brontide (I promise, no spoilers) are the reason I started this as a series. I mentioned Harry had croup a lot as a child in Brontide and then wanted to write a companion piece. I thought, what better way to demonstrate Harry’s childhood then telling a story through Petunia’s POv because she’s absolutely horrible. Plus, I didn’t think I could get into the mindset of any other POV for that story.

2.) I definitely think there was physical abuse as well. It’s indicated in the books (Harry knowing to dodge away from a frying pan or something). So, I do feel they did physically abuse him as well. He has a few scars to show from it.

3.) No, I don’t think they knew. Maybe some suspected it but not know. I think everyone was just sick of cleaning Grimmauld Place and wanted to do something fun. It didn’t matter it was a child’s game. They just wanted something to do.

4.) I think he started to like Ginny as a friend in fifth year. I think he started to notice her as someone more than just Ron’s little sister. I don’t even think he noticed how he felt comfortable around her in fifth year either. I like to think all the dots started to connect earlier than 6th year but Harry just didn’t know what it all meant. Then 6th year come and he’s like crap… I really her! But it was building, unknowingly, to Harry before then. Ginny had been slowly forming into her own person in Harry’s mind and he felt comfortable and liked what he saw. He just didn’t connect it romantically at that time.

5.) No, the watches isn’t canon. I wish it was though. Honestly, when I wrote it, I totally forgot they mentioned Ron getting a brand new watch in canon until months after I wrote the story.

6.) George was a bit of an alcoholic after the war. It’s mentioned more in-depth in Brontide. But he definitely held his alcohol better because he has been spiraling into alcohol abuse for months by that point.

7.) So, again it’s mentioned in Brontide, but Teddy lived with Andromeda for the first year of his life before Harry gained custody of him. Andromeda didn’t feel comfortable with Harry raising Teddy at first. Once she got to know him and see how much Harry cared for Teddy, she handed over custody to Harry so that Teddy could live a more normal life and have parents and siblings.

[kaitosimp]

As a filthy, filthy multi shipper I’d like to know both headcannons you have for all his pairings and why you like them so much, if you want to of course!

As soon as I read this, my mind started ranting so hard 😂 I will happily answer! And tysm for asking bc if being able to talk about kaito is rare, imagine how much ive talked about the ships i have with him, so im very happy rn!! 🥰 WARNING: dis gonna be long as hell 👁👄👁

OKAY SO the two main ships I have for Kaito are Oumota and Saimota, Saimota is my fave ship and Oumota is my fave comfort ship! The other ships I rlly like with him are Akamota, Amamota, and Momoharu, i pretty much read any fic that has him paired with someone but these are the ones i search for on my own whereas the others its a "i'll read 'em if i come across em" type of deal! So lets dive in 👁👄👁 (i have endless hc's for my ships so i'll only give a few or else this'll never end)

🌌🎭 Oumota 🎭🌌

Reasons: I am a goddamn sucker for thematic parallels, enemies to friends to lovers, and the rivals tropes 🌚 I dont even know how i fell into the oumota hole, cause i didnt consider it much in game, but after reading a few fics it just made me so happy! I love their banter and clashing personalities and stubborness lol, and goddamn, the post game/hangar fics for them are *chef's kiss*

Hc's:

-The way Kokichi tried to get Kaito to see he had feelings for him was by bothering/pranking the absolute shit out of him, but Kaito's dense to these things so he didnt even realize Kokichi stopped bothering other ppl to target him specifically

-When Kaito realized he had feelings for Kokichi, his initial reaction was "oh fuck oh no why him pls no-"

-Eventually Kokichi had to directly tell him to his face he liked Kaito cause Kaito wasn't getting the message at all

-Kokichi loves stealing Kaito's clothes, esp his jacket

-They argue a lot but its over the absolute dumbest shit like before they got together, its usually nothing serious

-Kokichi secretly loves listening to Kaito talk about space, though he teases Kaito about it

-Kaito's fave thing is to cuddle/spoon Kokichi, cause he's the perf size to snuggle with

🌌🔍 Saimota 🔍🌌

Reasons: CAUSE YES!!! From the beggining of Shuichi being the main, Kaito is there for him and supports him so much and makes sure Shuichi is okay, he's just so supportive and loving and helpful and motivational and he's something Shuichi def needed to move forward in the killing game! I just fucking love their dynamic and how they help each other and how they balance each other out as well, plus the whole hero and sidekick thing is adorable! AND OFC THE FAMOUS "i shouldnt be talking about another boy like that" LINE ASDFGHJKL ITS CANON OKAY

Hc's:

-Shuichi confessed first, it took a few times for him to get his feelings across properly bc each time he said something like "i like you" or whatev kaito was like "aw bro i like you too!"

-Kaito tried to get over his crush on Shuichi bc he thought Shuichi wouldn't go for someone like him (i hc him being kinda insecure and covering it up with that confident persona of his)

-Shuichi isn't big on physical contact, but he makes the exception for Kaito bc he's always so warm and gives the best hugs

-Shuichi is the only person who Kaito lets see him vulnerable, it took a lot of time but he eventually learned to stop bottling everything with Shuichi

-Kaito constantly takes Shuichi stargazing, its his fave thing to do and Shuichi is ever so happy to accompany Kaito and listen to space rambles

-Their first kiss was beyond awkward and Shuichi nearly fainted but they got the hang of it eventually

🌌🥑 Amamota 🥑🌌

Reasons: I literally saw an amamota fic on ao3 and it won me over oops- to me it just makes sense! They're both adventurers in a way and i love their personalities together, Kaito's boisterous nature would be a nice change of pace for the ever calm Rantaro and Rantaro's mellow nature would be something refreshing for Kaito y'know?

Hc's:

-Kaito always tried helping Rantaro catch up in classes bc he always misses 'em to travel and he was always the first one to welcome him back

-Rantaro got attached to Kaito and didnt even realize it until he came back one day and kaito wasnt there to greet him (cue disappointed rantaro and bAM thats when he realized)

-Kaito loves hearing about Rantaro's travels, he's always asking for pics and details

-Kaito confessed first, he literally couldn't take it anymore and just threw it out there while Rantaro was mid greeting

-Rantaro didn't tell Kaito about his sisters until about a year into their relationship bc he was scared Kaito would disappear too

-Rantaro literally re-visited a bunch of islands and countries in the artic circle just to take pics/vids of the aurora borealis for Kaito

🌌🎹 Akamota 🎹🌌

Reason: I just think they'd be sooo cute together 🥺 Kaito and Kaede are both positive people who try to help others and their personalities fit so well together! Idk man it just makes sense to me

Hc's:

-Kaito absolutely loves hearing Kaede play the piano, sometimes he'll sneak record her so he can listen to it whenever he's feeling down

-Kaede tries teaching him how to play the piano, instruments aren't his thing but he tries his best in the lessons cause it makes her happy

-Kaito's confession was accidental, he was just listening to her play when he blurted out how pretty she was, which led to an awkward confession talk with lots of blushing

-Kaede has tried to compose a piano piece that embodies Kaito's personality but she fails everytime, cause his larger than life personality is hard to capture perfectly

-They're both big on affection, so they're constantly holding hands and hugging

AND FINALLY, 🌌🔪 Momoharu 🔪🌌

Reason: THEY'RE GREAT TOGETHER OKAY 🥺 I just love how Kaito got Maki to come out of her shell and how he trusted her/accepted her!! He gave her the cutest nickname and befriended her and literally gave his life up to protect her, aND MAKI'S CONFESSION ABOUT FALLING FOR KAITO STILL MAKES ME CRY

Hc's:

-Maki confessed it ever so casually while mid training, which literally made Kaito fall over in shock

-Kaito loves Maki's hair, he could spend hours playing with it and he always helps her brush it

-Maki hates her scars, but Kaito's always there to kiss em and remind her how beautiful she is, he always traces constellations on 'em when they cuddle

-Maki's constantly scared she'll accidentally hurt Kaito, or that he'll get hurt bc of her past

-Kaito's very protective of her, just like Maki is of him

-Maki loves the sound of Kaito's voice, her favorite thing is to listen to him talk about space

W O W i am so sorry for this massive post 💀 I seriously tried limiting myself asdfghjkl oops

[lemongogo]

Hi, so I was wondering what u think this chapter is supposed to mean for hawks character? Is this him reluctantly following orders or is he seriously questioning what side he is on? Twice is obviously not gonna change, and I don’t think hawks understands how much his betrayal hurt twice. Twice devotes all of himself to his comrades happiness. He wouldn’t leave them. What was your opinion on hawks offering to help twice and not wanting to fight him? And twice’s reaction to it

(tl;dr at the bottom)

hey ! so i think a lot of hawks’ character is still shrouded in mystery given that we still don’t know much about him as an individual, as much as we are familiar with Hawks, his hero persona. but with that being said, I think this chapter was pretty clear in showing that there’s a part of hawks that realizes the current system is flawed, even if he isn’t currently planning to abandon the hpsc as some of us (such as myself) would like to see in the future

i think before the chapter released, there were two main paths that his story couldve taken.

in one situation, he could’ve incapacitated twice and taken him out of battle immediately. aka, no talking, no trying to explain himself, just wrap up the job he was given to do. this scenario would suggest that there is no capacity for hawks to change or evolve away from the hpsc. this outcome would mean that , for the rest of the story, he would most likely remain heavily tied to this idea that heroics hold a moral superiority over the villains. that sympathy shouldnt be spared for people like twice because they are “bad”. (aka, feed into this binary of good vs bad)

in the other situation, hawks would hesitate or try to reason with twice, and show that there’s some sort of internal conflict that he’s dealing with. this outcome, unlike with the first scenario, would insinuate that hawks’ story will, at some point, deviate from the path the hpsc intends for him to take. that he will, to some degree, question the institution he works in / contributes to. aka: is what he doing the right thing to do (emphasis on morally grey characters / situations unlike the black/white perspective of situation 1)

chapter 264 shows us that second situation: hawks, despite having the upper hand (cornering twice with all of his feathers drawn), does not immediately “finish the job”. he tries to reason with twice by saying that he can “rebuild” his life and start over. “atone for his crimes” and so on so forth. in my opinion, this is a really good step in hawks leaving the cage the hero commission forced him in at such a young age. i mean, as other people have already stated earlier, this isn’t something he will be able to overcome quickly or easily at all. but, it shows that he’s starting to make some decisions for himself. the hero commission does not seem like they would care for the rehabilitation of the criminals. it doesnt seem like they really care for how these people “feel” and would rather smush the rebellion if it meant upholding the current standard of society

the cool thing here is that we see the conflict between hawks and the commission in a very visual manner. scenes where hawks looks menacing are the scenes where he’s speaking with a sense of authority imposed by the hpsc and his status as the #2. this is where we see him talk about the logistics of his mission, and these lines are accompanied by an obscured, shadowed face. emotion is removed from the equation. he is cold and calculating. unforgiving.

compare it to when he starts to give twice a “chance”. we see his face and his emotions clear as day. from this point forward, we’re seeing what keigo wants to say, and what keigo wants to see from twice. his face is revealed when he says “because you are a good person”; he places faith in twice even when the commission couldnt (wont). 

he sees twice’s tears. he sees twice break down and it all ties back to the notion that , in my opinion, hawks WAS connected to jin, even though he might frame it as part of his mission. yes, he got “close” to twice because he had to. and yes he used / manipulated twice. we can’t deny that. but he also tells twice that he recognizes the good in him and, through his internal monologue in the end, we know !! that keigo did care for him to an extent. what twice said to him back at the end, the thing about friends caring about each other and wanting to help hawks out of the “cage” he was “stuck in” resonated with him!! and thats why he offered his help in getting twice “back on his feet”

to me, i feel like he does understand how much this betrayal hurt twice. i think he tries to put on a facade and act like it doesnt affect him bc its his job (as in . he’s not supposed to get attached) but then you see THIS panel at the end 

and its obvious he’s upset and reflecting on the idea that what he’s doing and how he’s using people isnt okay and that, yeah, jin has a point . somewhere along the way, heroics lost sight of what it meant to help people

idk. its a lot to process. maybe im reading this all wrong, but to Me i feel as though this is a sign that hawks isnt as tied to the commission as he originally was. because although he’s still doing his job as he’s supposed to, he’s also grieving? in his own way? recognizing the harm he’s caused twice and understanding that this is just a really shitty situation. like others have mentioned, i don’t think we could’ve expected this big “switch” in hawks right away but this is the perfect step in the right direction imo

to answer your question, i don’t think he’s questioning his position just yet but . he does seem to be emotionally distressed and perhaps critical of himself for what he has to do. @miriio​ describes this better than i can:

“if anything i think i’d be bad writing for hawks to join the league this quickly. we clearly see hawks struggling with his options and he genuinely seems to feel bad about what he’s doing….but what he’s doing is what he’s been trained to believe is right. if hawks really wanted to i’m sure he could’ve killed twice instantly. but he didn’t because he doesn’t want to. he even said he would help twice after because he knows he’s a good person. it’s clear hawks doesn’t wanna do any of this but as far as he’s concerned it’s his only option”

im really bad at explaining how i feel abt this but @miriio and @spinneraki both make ! really good points on what this means for him as a character too if u want to check out those discussions :-)

tl;dr this chapter shows hawks has the capacity to change, given his choice to “talk it out” with twice and his later reflection on how the “bad ones are always us hero scum”. 

[dekiiru]

okay sorry it took so long for me to write and post this, but im home now and in the silence to be able to gather my thoughts and the peace to be able to write them down. a lot of this is me working through my own thoughts as i write it so im sorry its so long, but im still a little bit confused on how to feel about this, largely, i think, due to shock.

i had no clue about almost any of the stuff julie did or said to people. i knew of the miles thing to some extent (i didnt know why miles was uncomfortable with him, i only knew about the aftereffects) and i knew about the vague story surrounding why maddy, jay and marina didnt like him, although i had never actually spoken to them before.

my initial reaction to the callout was to get defensive, because that was someone i considered my friend and although somewhere i think i knew or had some inkling that he was like this, i chalked it up to mistakes and people jealous of his popularity because i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. but the more i read the callout (i never finished it, partially because i had to take screencaps of the posts and painstakingly slowly read through them because the nature of my work makes it very difficult to focus on things for more than a few seconds at a time and partially because by the time i stopped, i had already made my decision regarding him) the more i realized that defending his actions isnt something i can, should, or would do.

and regarding the “sc/hool sho/oter” post, i live in america. in fact, i lived about 5-15 minutes away from where one of these sc/hool sho/otings happened (i lived for several years in roseburg, oregon, and the sh/ooting at u.c.c. happened a year or two after i moved to where i live now). i knew people who went there. i knew one person who died. the day it happened i broke down in the middle of marching band because i had no idea whether or not the friends i knew for three years were alive or dead and that fucking terrified me. and when it happened, i told julie over discord (because i was working when i heard about it) that i did not condone his actions or words and that it was wrong of him to say, but (and i still stand by this), it is not the place of anyone who was not even indirectly affected by a shooting to decide whether or not someone is worthy of redemption. no, julie should not have reblogged that post and while it is totally fine for you to be uncomfortable to interact with him because of it, i think only people who have been directly affected by sc/hool shoo/tings have the right to decide if he is worthy of forgiveness - for that. the rest of it is a different matter.

a few months ago i actually went through this with someone else. i wrote a callout post for daisy, a mercy blog in the overwatch fandom who deleted shortly after i wrote it. (if any of you want to see that callout, let me know and ill send it to you. i will admit here and now that there was something i shouldnt have added in there, but it was added with good intentions, but regardless, daisy’s callout really has nothing to do with the situation with julie and nothing to do with what is happening now. shes gone. im just making a connection to this situation.) it was a very similar situation; manipulation, hypocrisy, turning people against others, saving face and caring more about reputation than anything else. and while i was absolutely terrified of daisy’s situation happening again, where i get really really close with someone and then find out they manipulated the fuck out of me, i was also scared to lose friends, and i think thats a big part of why i wanted so badly to match or whatever, because i really really really wanted a place to belong, where i felt special and unique and yet part of a group and in the end that really fucked me over and made me blind to what was happening. i defended him (albeit not for long, ive only spoken to him for a few months now) for things i shouldnt have defended him for because i was terrified of losing people and im so sorry about that.

as for the callout itself: i will say that i do think there are two sides to every story. im not saying julie is a victim in this or that he is to be sympathized with, because at the end of the day, he hurt a lot of people and its good that the word was spread before more people got hurt. i dont agree that it is “a cis persons responsibility to make sure people know they are cis” because that kind of mindset will only lead to a witch hunt, but im not going to make a fuss about this because i know some other genderqueer people are more uncomfortable about cis people than i am and at the end of the day that is a personal opinion. i think some of the callout was worded with bias which probably, in some situations, did slightly twist the truth, ONLY because it is a callout and it is really difficult not to twist the truth in them even when they are written as formally as possible, HOWEVER while most of the time i disregard callouts (because a lot of them are written entirely based on personal bias because someone doesnt like someone else rather than on an actual need for people to be warned), this one was written very eloquently and very well. as someone who has been on that side of things, im really really proud of the people who contributed to it, especially those that werent afraid of giving their names out, because that is a really really hard thing to do, especially when its for someone really popular. i remember when i wrote one for daisy, i was almost sick to my stomach with the anxiety, and really pleasantly surprised when it was received much better than i expected. i am really proud of you guys, and thank you for letting me and everyone else know the truth of what happened.

however, that callout was not an attack, nor was it intended to be, and by people sending julie hate, youre just making the situation worse. i believe, in my personal opinion, that the best thing to do is to block and move on. we can come together as a community, and while julies actions wont go away, hopefully we can heal and understand from them. and i really want to thank manny for that post, because similarly to daisy, it is the people closest to the person in question who are left most in the dark. as julies friend, i had no idea about almost anything that was there and honestly, im glad now that i do. thank you for understanding that the people who associated with him are not always aware of what he did.

anyway this is really disorganized and im sorry, thats just my thoughts on the matter (as much as i can think anyway), and i hope it makes some sort of sense. i will be hardblocking julie on all of my blogs and changing the urls to both my izuku blog and my ouma blog and my icon for this blog. if you choose to continue to interact with julie, thats on you and i wont reprimand you, block you or unfollow you for it. please do not associate me with him anymore, though, add me to any groups anywhere with him, or tag me and him in the same posts.

and, as i said before, because i really want to get this point across, if you are uncomfortable with me because i interacted with him so much and so intimately and wish to hard or softblock or unfollow me, that is perfectly fine and i understand completely. i only ask if you softblock me that you let me know so that i dont accidentally follow you again, because i dont want to make anyone uncomfortable with my presence.

[agingerwithaseoul]

I want to talk about feeling distanced from a part of yourself, or rather separating a toxic part of yourself and convincing yourself it’s not really you.

I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to play the victim here at all. I was faced with a challenge and i failed it. I was weak where i very easily could have been strong. I was put into a very uncomfortable work situation where I was the most depressed i have ever been in my life. I had to sit in the kitchen at work because i would just be crying uncontrollably at the office. It was everything from minor sexual assault to not having a bed for 3 months. I was being emotionally abused for 3 months straight by the person who basically controlled my job, my housing, and the opinions of everyone around me.  This then continued for many months after that.

Because of my depression, the new people I was working with treated me in all different ways.  Some were over the top supportive and asking me how i was doing every day tears or no tears, and some were the opposite.

By the end of the summer I had lost 20lbs and was trying to figure out how to see a therapist with no american medical insurance. I had to ask my abuser if the company would cover my therapy and his response was ‘you need to make more friends.’ I never got treatment. 

I came back to Korea with my depression for 6 more months, with the treatment by the new coworkers getting even worse, which in turn made me treat them poorly too. That’s when the toxicity of my personality became clear. Luckily I had my best friend and my boyfriend with me in Korea so I wasnt facing it alone, but my depression was turning into something much more dangerous. This was the first time in my life I had met people that unapologetically made me feel horrible and openly ignored or belittled me and my defense mechanism was to try to do the exact same back which, doesn’t work. During this time I also had an infection that almost cost me my kidney, they’re both permanently scarred. I didn’t go to the hospital early on because I didn’t want to miss work and give my abuser an excuse to scold me. Later I needed surgery.

The coworkers were taken out of my life without much closure, but the anger in my heart was still there. It was like a bad break up where I check up on their instagrams not knowing what I’m looking for. Do I want them to be unhappy? Do I want them to be happy? I dont know and its unhealthy.

My depression significantly lifted nearly simultaneously with me not having to deal to those people and after I started YouTube I was so happy! My best friend had just moved away so I was suddenly missing a huge piece of my life. YouTube was something that was motivating me to leave my house and the comment section was where I had most of my human interaction. 

Looking back on it now, I was much lonelier than I would ever admit to myself. As for my boyfriend, youtube was like my own little world so we never talked about it and it felt very private and very mine. He is always a shining light for me, but only recently did i let him into this part of my life.

Though I thought my depression had left me alone, something happened that proved I was wrong.

I had done something that was misunderstood, and it was the first feeling of being attacked that I’ve had since the time I was depressed. This misunderstanding caused someone to do something so small and so petty that it shouldnt have bothered me, and writing it here seems so stupid, but it really hurt me.  My best friend had left, i had started this new fun creative adventure and every time i logged in i would be met with a small gesture of hate. To them it probably felt like nothing, and looking back on it I should definitely have been able to handle it, but at the time it felt like i had made these special paintings and every day i’d find someone poured a bucket of red paint over each and every one of them. It really sounds so dramatic but I was (or maybe still am) emotionally weak from basically 2 years of emotional abuse and it got deep under my skin.

Everything about this situation was so petty that I didnt want to talk to anyone about it, so I buried it. Then I gave up. It was like someone kept picking on my scab i was trying to ignore and i took the bait. I got angry and acted out, but it was worse because i had the internet and i could be anonymous. And my actions hurt people. I hurt people. And i can never undo what i did or excuse why i did it.

The scariest thing about this was, i was able to completely separate the me that was mean in this one space online, from who i was “in real life.” That person i was being was the opposite of the morals and standards i hold myself to “in real life” even though so much of what i consider my “real life” is online. This is where im going to get confusing because to be honest im still confused.

There was a part of me that felt satisfaction seeing people agree with some mean thing I wrote online at the same time i’d feel totally ashamed and guilty and i couldnt sleep because of what i did.

I know i seem really positive and happy and like a supportive friend and i am, but there was a small part of me that wasn’t or still isnt, i guess,  because i know even though im suppressing it, its still there. What was most unhealthy is that i was so sure it was just an internet persona that i didnt consider it to be a part of myself. The person you see on youtube or tumblr or instagram is honestly who i am, its not a fake personality i put on, thats genuinely how i am if you were to meet me on the street. But i refused to accept that that isnt completely me. There’s that 1% of me that is a person i loathe, that im ashamed of, that i wanted to stop being, but part of it felt like such a release to play that role.

I was so ashamed of myself that i couldnt tell anyone. Even my friends that i really trust, it was such a private thing that it almost felt like it was part of another world. Not the reality i lived in. again, confusing but thats just how i felt and honestly still feel a little bit. I didnt want to tell people about it because i didnt want them to think that was who i am, but really it was just i didnt want to admit that that was who i am.

Then one day, it really hit me how badly i had behaved. I felt ashamed and i knew i needed help.

Luckily i have a friend who is understanding. I had lied to her face many times when it came to this dark side of mine. I knew she needed to know and i trusted she would have the best advice and wouldnt sugar coat things for me. And luckily i was right. She listened, and she held me accountable. Now that i finally let someone in and that someone was able to tell me point blank ‘what you’re doing is wrong and unhealthy’ i felt the ability to come forward to the person I hurt. Whether or not they believe me or accept my apology is out of my hands, but now that I know I told the truth, I can begin to move forward. 

Now I’m working on figuring out what it was that made me act like that. Why was my reaction to such minor harassment so cowardly? What is it that affected me so strongly? How i behaved makes me feel actually nauseous and I know I will never do that again. I hurt people because i could and thats unacceptable.

With online behavior nowadays especially here on tumblr or youtube, its so easy to be someone you arent.  But as you act out that persona long enough you have to accept that its not some persona, its you. Its me. I took those thoughts and words from my own mind and put them out there by my own choice. That rude person is a part of me and i need to deal with it. I think having a great support system around you is important and i lost that now that i have such infrequent contact with my friends.

So if you’re reading all the way through, perhaps its because you’ve felt something like this to? Maybe not taking advantage of online anonymity but maybe you have a small part of your personality that you’re not proud of, that you separate from your true self.  I hope you can accept that that is also you and that we all need to work on that if we ever want to grow.

I’m sorry if this is coming out of seemingly nowhere because this is so not my personality, but it is. Its something i am going to deal with and i hope that this inspires anyone else to reflect on some part of themselves they’re ashamed of or distanced from. To accept it as part of you and to grow from it. You cant fix something if you pretend it isnt really there.

Im sorry this was vague and i will feel uncomfortable talking about this with anyone that isnt someone that knows the situation so im not going to answer any comments about this but please see this is as my first step in acknowledging and moving forward. Thank you for listening if you’re still here.

[a-baleful-howl]

7.07 Thoughts

First off - the leaked scripts were real. It was actually pretty annoying. I felt like I was watching the episode twice. I hope Season 8 doesnt have a lad leaker. I really do. I enjoy watching the episodes raw. And lets be completely, dead honest here - I would not have known about the leaks or seen them accidentally if I wasnt as active on Tumblr. At least on Reddit I can choose to avoid certain subreddits. On tumblr, if someone posts a spoiler there is absolutely no way of blocking it preemptively. I dont want to have to leave Tumblr next season... My sister (the family that is visiting right now, that I posted about not too long ago that we do not get along), doesnt watch GoT because she doesnt have HBO. She keeps up via snapchat and posts on Facebook. She thought that Longclaw blinking was super important, if that helps you understand how she keeps up with GoT. In gifs and screaming southerners on facebook. Anywho, when Jon said he pledged himself for D@ny, my sister leaned over and whispered "that made her super horny." Yes. I didn't see "horniness" in Danish Pastries eyes, but that was literally what was written in the leaked script - so obviously it translated to a very VERY casual viewer. So I asked her it she thought Jon was in love with D@ny and she acted like I was crazy for even asking. Obviously he likes her. Like a boy is mean to his crush on the playground, she said. That didn't make me feel much better. Honestly, I dont think Emilia is a bad actress. I think she plays stern, cold boss bitch very well. Or screaming entitled delusional girl. (which I honestly mean because Emilia is such the opposite in real life) And when directors told her to play heart eyes, she did heart eyes. I dont think shes a bad actress. I just find D@ny as a character boring now. Up until saving the Wight Hunters, she hadnt done anything redeemable or "good" since maybe Season 2-3. Anywho- off track. All this talk about honor and keeping his word and being Ned Starks "son" really struck me. He promised to fight for the north no matter the odds. So him pledging to D@ny is his own way of protecting the north. Protecting his family. But how can he talk about honor and keeping his word if he's secretly undercover? I really think he's being sacrificial. Thats something Jon would do. Give up his dreams and personal gain to save everyone. When Cersei, the coldest, baddest, most heartless bitch in all of Westeros, talks about how seeing just ONE wight made her fear for the ones she loves - imagine how JON FEELS seeing thousands of them. He is AFRAID for his family. He will so whatever it takes to protect Sansa, Arya, Bran and the North who chose him as their leader. I dont know if Jon realized immediately, that once Viserion died the NK had him. If Jon did, then that absolutely would have put him on express mode. Now - one big thing when Jon was with Ygritte and the Wildlings, is that they ALWAYS said "burn my body so I dont end up like them." I can just imagine Jon remembering those words every time he thinks of Sansa, Arya and Bran or the coming walkers. That he doesnt want his loved ones to turn into wights - because it was even what the wildlings feared most. Its a fate worse than death. He burned Ygritte. He's burned so many people so they dont turn into wights. He is trying to save his family from that morbid fate. Then we have Theon and Jon talking. So - I think Jon's "it might look that way on the outside" is a hint at his undercover/sacrificial ways. But, whats also really interesting to me, is that Theon brings up RAMSAY. And Jon narrows his eyes like "yea, tell me more about that monster who hurt my Sansa." As if he wants to hear about Ramsay and what Theon went through - as if to understand Sansa more. To get more insight on what happened to her. Theon bringing up Ramsay would make Jon think about Sansa here. And they're talking about THEON saving his SISTER. And Jons response is "why are you talking instead of doing? What are you waiting for?" YES. YES. YES. Jon is so sure that the right thing to do is to put yourself in danger to save your family - your sister. He doesn't think about it. His answer is instinctual. Because thats what hes doing now. JUST DO - dont think. His answer is everything to me. SO MUCH. SO MUCH. Sansa didnt seem that upset when Petyr suggested Jon wants to marry D@ny. Which to me says Sansa has NOT considered a romantic relationship with Jon - YET. And what usually happens in romantic plots, is that theres an awakening moment that brings one of the interests to realize what they want. Maybe this is Sansas wake up call. That the idea of Jon marrying another leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. But we dont see full on jealously in this episode, really. At least I didnt. Okay - now to boatsex. We have a brief moment of Jon standing in front of her door before knocking. He goes TO HER. Which bothers me. I just cant imagine canon!Jon initiating sex with anyone. Hes too noble and honorable. Sex outside of marriage? Possible bastard babies? Reading signs wrong? But this could be a moment where hes deciding - welp, I have to do this to earn her undying loyalty for good. Im not completely sold on ignoring my "he'll fuck the first girl who isnt his sister" or "he has to prove something" headcanons either. I mean, I believe he is giving into D@nys affections because he has nothing else to lose. Sansa is his sister. D@ny is beautiful. And Jon might see something good in her, especially after she has postponed her quest for the throne to save mankind - but deep down their characters are so different that HOW could he really be in love with her? And the fact that their sex scene is over cut with exposition and dialogue means that this scene is more than just a romance. Its a plot point. It has to be spelled out. Its still mysterious. D@ny is in love, but Jon? Jon searches into her eyes as if he has to convince himself to stay hard. I think Jonsa is endgame - but the real question here is, does he love Sansa or D@ny? Will he love both? Or does he love neither? I have more posts about the other characters this episode, the writing, and the problems soon. This is just my quick post episode Jonsa reaction. My phone is at 4% so I will have to come back later. (OMG PLEASE DONT DIE ON ME) Lets just say that I think JonxD@ny is fanservice, and that we shouldnt trust D&DBs writing completely or write any possible outcome and plot turn off. And love each other, we have fanfiction and remember they are fiction. (but Jonsa is endgame ;) ) OH- And "the dragon and the wolf"? The writers obviously thought they were being clever to get a double meaning out of a title, about Rheagar and Lyanna and Jon and D@ny. Doesnt mean theyre a couple - theyre just the most important plot reveal this episode. :p

[news4dzhozhar]

**I'm sure the title alone will make many people enraged but just read the piece & try to be objective** What do you think of when you hear the word “terrorist”? Big beards and brown skins? Turban-wearing Muslim migrants from the Middle East? Refugees maybe? Yet according to a report from the New America Foundation, “every jihadist who conducted a lethal attack inside the United States since 9/11 was a citizen or legal resident.” A recent study in Britain, which last week endured its worst terrorist atrocity since 2005, revealed that more than two out of three “Islamism-inspired” terrorist offenses were carried out by individuals “who were either born or raised in the UK.” The common stereotype of the Middle Eastern, Muslim-born terrorist is not just lazy and inaccurate, but easy fodder for the anti-immigrant, anti-Islam far right. Consider the swift reaction of White House official Sebastian Gorka to the horrific terror attack in London last week. “The war is real,” he told Fox News while the bodies of the victims were still warm, “and that’s why executive orders like President Trump’s travel moratorium are so important.” Sorry, what? The 52-year-old perpetrator of the London attack, Khalid Masood, was born and brought up in the UK and would not have been affected in the slightest by a travel ban on Muslims from the Middle East. He was neither a refugee nor an immigrant. He was not of Middle Eastern origin either, and he was not even a Muslim for the vast majority of his life. Born to a white mother and black father as Adrian Elms, and raised as Adrian Ajao, he is believed to have converted to Islam in prison in 2003 and had a well-documented history of criminality prior to mowing down innocent pedestrians on Westminster Bridge, and stabbing a police officer outside the Houses of Parliament, last Thursday afternoon. Does it sound like I am trying to excuse or exculpate Islam and Muslims from responsibility for his heinous crime? You bet I am. And why shouldn’t I? After all, was the Islamic faith at fault for Ajao’s first conviction, for criminal damage, in 1983 when he was aged 18? Was it the Prophet Muhammad who instructed him to deal drugs in his teens? Was it the Quran that inspired the drunken Ajao to slash a man across the face in 2000, leaving him needing more than 20 stitches? Was Ajao engaged in jihad when he stabbed a man in the nose in 2003, leaving him in need of cosmetic surgery? No, no, no and no. Later, as Khalid Masood, he may have been radicalized by violent Islamists in a UK prison or by Salafi jihadists while visiting Saudi Arabia — we simply do not know and may never know — but what we can be sure of is that his violent tendencies and anti-social behavior long predated his conversion to Islam, “radical” or otherwise. As even the conservative British academic, and Christian blogger, Adrian Hilton conceded, “Adrian Elms was a violent Christian before he became Muslim terrorist Khalid Masood… Islam didn’t make him an evil bastard; he was already a nasty piece of work.” As with other Muslim converts who have turned to terror, such as Canadian Aaron Driver and Texan John Georgelas, as well as the born-again types, such as the Kouachi brothers in Paris and the Tsarnaev brothers in Boston, a distorted, simplistic and politicized form of Islam may have provided Masood with a ready-made justification for his violence, but I doubt it was the main motivation. While politicians and pundits obsess over the role played by political ideology — Islamism — or religious faith — Islam — they conveniently if irresponsibly avert their gaze from other, perhaps more crucial factors. There is the role of social networks and family ties; issues of identity and belonging; a sense of persecution; mental illness; socio-economic grievances; moral outrage over conflict and torture; a craving for glory and purpose, action and adventure. These have proved to be much better predictors of terrorist tendencies than religion and, specifically, religiosity. Don’t take my (Muslim) word for it. In 2008, a leaked report by researchers for MI5, Britain’s domestic intelligence agency, found that “far from being religious zealots, a large number of those involved in terrorism do not practise their faith regularly,” according to the Guardian’s Alan Travis, who obtained, revealed and reported on the classified document, which is based on “hundreds of case studies” by the security service. “They are mostly British nationals, not illegal immigrants and, far from being Islamist fundamentalists, most are religious novices,” wrote Travis, after reading the report, adding: “Very few have been brought up in strongly religious households, and there is a higher than average proportion of converts. Some are involved in drug-taking, drinking alcohol and visiting prostitutes.” Sound familiar? And the report had this as a kicker: “MI5 says there is evidence that a well-established religious identity actually protects against violent radicalisation.” Over the past decade since the MI5 research was first leaked, more and more studies have challenged the conventional and lazy wisdom on the role of religion in the radicalization process. In recent years, I have spoken with a range of leading experts — anthropologist Scott Atran, psychiatrist Marc Sageman, historian Lydia Wilson — all of whom have interviewed “jihadi” terrorists, from the battlefields of Iraq to the prison cells of the United States, and all of whom agree that faith, Islamic or otherwise, is not the key driver of this latest wave of global terror. “Terrorism is really political violence, first and foremost,” Sageman told me last year. Atran, when I interviewed him for my Al Jazeera English show in 2015, said, “If you dialogue with these people, if you look at how they actually move into ‘jihad’ … there is very little discussion of religion.” Yet every major terrorist attack in the West is followed by a very public “discussion of religion.” How Islamic is ISIS? Does Islam require a reformation? Do Muslims pose a threat to liberal values? Should Western countries ban immigration from Muslim-majority countries? In fact, these days, members of the ‘Blame Islam’ crowd don’t even try and hide their evident glee when a terrorist attack occurs. They assume that the attacker’s Muslim name in and of itself is a vindication of their anti-Muslim bigotry. Their claim that “Islam is the problem” has now gone mainstream: it has a committed supporter in the White House, if not in Downing Street. The absence of clear and empirical evidence for their spurious theory of radicalization does not seem to bother them in the slightest. That most terrorists are “religious novices” and a “diverse collection of individuals, fitting no single demographic profile, nor do they all follow a typical pathway to violent extremism,” to quote MI5, is ignored or downplayed. What was it Einstein once joked? “If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.” Or deploy “alternative” ones, maybe. Such an approach makes sense if your aim is to demonize Islam and Muslims, no matter the cost. But if your aim is to prevent the next attack, this excessive focus on faith, on belief, on ideology — in defiance of the evidence and the experts — is a dangerous distraction. The terrorists may want to try and legitimize their violence by cynically appealing to Islamic motifs or doctrines, but there is no reason the rest of us should help them do it.

[shouucore]

Safer Cycling on the Streets

Cycling is simple, isn't it? Anyone can do it. So why write this article?

Because it is not-so-easy to cycle S A F E L Y. Many a times accidents ( which SHOULD NOT have happened) do occur. Spend a little time to read this article and you will become a safer cyclist.

Like driving, cycling safely requires awareness, concentration, quick reflexes and a good set of safe traveling habits. In all my years of cycling, I have been quite fortunate to be accident-free. I would like to share some of my cycling habits and experience which so that you too can ride safely on our roads.

Disclaimer: Whilst these safe riding skills works for the author, please consider them carefully before use. Due to numerous variables involved on the road, not all situations can be possibly covered. The author will hold no responsibility for any accidents or injuries as a result of applying information contained within this article. You are advised to consider carefully before applying these techniques at your own risk.

WHAT IS SAFE CYCLING?

Safe cycling brings you home safely. It reduces the risk of road traffic accidents to an absolute minimum. A cyclist who rides safely will not force other road users to take late evasive actions which may endanger lives.

This document is divided into 4 sections. Please click on the underlined titles below to skip to the section you are interested in.

SAFETY EQUIPMENT:

Bicycle helmets

The foam inside the helmet absorbs the impact of a fall on your head. It compresses and breaks to prevent your brain juice from spilling all over the road. Always wear one.

Bicycle mirrors.

Some attach to the edge of your handlebar. I find it difficult to focus into the small mirror (which shakes with the vibration from the front wheel) and it takes my attention away from what's happening in front of me.

Rear reflector and rear light.

Other road users seem to pass me with more side clearance when my rear lights are on at night. Perhaps it tells them that I am a valid road user and reminds them to take cyclists seriously.

Front light.

At night, never ride beyond the nearer of your braking distance or your bicycle's lamp range, especially on dark downhill streets. Your lights will also help attract the attention of drivers along merging lanes.

Clothing.

There is a reason why cycling jerseys are always colorful and , at times, "loud". It helps to improve the visibility of the rider on the road. At least wear light coloured clothing so that you can been easily seen. I always get worried for those Indian cyclists along Zhu Jiao Centre who wear dark clothes and ride without any lights/reflectors. They are probably just more visible than the shadows around.

PRE-RIDE CHECK

Ensure your equipment is in safe working condition before each ride. This is my quick "1-2-3" routine that I practice before each and every time I return to my bike. It should take less than 5 seconds and allows me to have much more peace of mind during my ride.

Quick release parts - Check these easily removable fixtures if you have them. Do not fall victim to children with "itchy fingers", foiled thieves or saboteurs. It is too late when your front wheel disengages itself from you fork when you are flying over a hump.

Brakes - Always test the strength of the brakes (esp front) before you ride off. It allows you to have an idea how far your minimum effective braking distance (see the section on emergency stopping on how to establish it) will be.

Bike bounce - Hold your bike by the handle and seat, lift it by about an inch and let it drop on its wheels. Apart from some chainslap, you shouldnt really hear any other sounds. Otherwise, check for loose parts.

GOOD CYCLING HABITS

By reading the techniques below, there seems to be alot to do while cycling. Dont worry about it. These skills will slowly be internalised and before you know it, you're already doing it.

ATTITUDE'They are always "right"'

Cyclist are probably the most vulnerable group of road users. We stand to lose the most in an accident. Whether it was due to our fault or due to other's mistakes does not matter. Hence, it is not always wise to enforce your "right of way".

'They are all out to get you'

Sounds schizophrenic and probably not fun to cycle with. But it is useful for beginner cyclists until they have enough road cycling experience under their belt.

'Thank goodness i'm okay'.

Ask any regular road cyclist and i'm sure that they'll have some "close shave" incidents to share. Such situations will happpen and if it is due to a driver's poor road behaviour, it is quite understandable for you to get angry or to vent your indignance on the driver. Dont do that. The driver will have realised his mistake if it was a "close shave". Showing your anger probably will make the driver loathe cyclists more. More importantly , it'll unsettle your emotions and for the next few miles, and the incident will probably dwell in your mind. Just be thankful that you were skillful/smart enough to avoid an accident, learn from it and let it go. Then, focus on the immediate road needs. As a cyclist, you dont have the luxury to be distracted on the road.

GENERAL TIPS

Time allowance.

If you have a dateline to meet, estimate how much time you need your destination on your regular cruising speed and cut yourself extra 20% slack time. Rushing increases the chance of mistakes, and mistakes can have disastrous consequences on the cyclist. Giving yourself enough slack will also allow you to enjoy the ride more.

Bike control.

On Singapore roads, the double yellow lines are very useful as a guide. I try to track between the yellow lines unless the drainage holes extend into that region. Practice until you can hold your "line" +/- 1/2 foot and these lines will remind you not stray too far out into the road.

Ride with company.

Not only will you have someone to chat with, you can practice drafting and you can look after each other. If you must ride alone, always keep a note on you with the details of a contact person to reach in the event of an emergency.

Use hand signals.

Do not sway direction suddenly without notice. Remember to signal in advance, check if you have enough space before changing direction. By doing so, other road users are to be able to anticipate your path and pass you safely.

Look to the rear.

This is essential before changing direction, passing junctions/merging lanes/bus bays. Just a glance is needed to establish the traffic situation behind you. Are you able to look over your shoulder and yet keep your bicycle moving straight ahead? If not, here's how you do it - relax your muscles from your shoulder up, touch the tip of your chin to your clavicle bone and glance back. No other parts of your body should move since that might affect your stability. When you are familiar with the motion, practice this on your bike in a safe open area before progressing onto the road.

Establish eye contact

Have you ever felt someone looking at you and turn to actually find someone doing so? I cant explain that sixth feeling but it is a very useful tool for cyclists. Do not just consider cars as moving metal boxes. Look into the driver's eyes to establish his intention. The vehicle's sideview or rearview mirrors can help do this. Conversely, with practice, you can project your intention to drivers through your eyes. But remember to check that the road conditions are clear before doing so.

Look

at the side

of obstacles.

I've heard some fallen cyclists say, "I SAW the obstacle coming, but couldnt react on time." *SPLAT*. Your bike will go where you intend it to. If you look AT the obstacle, you WILL go over it. When you are going fast on your bike, dont concentrate ON an obstacle when you spot it. Instead, look at the SIDE the obstacle and your subconscious mind will help you steer around it. Avoiding obstacles is that simple.

Emergency stopping

How far do you need to stop your bike in an emergency? If you know this, you will be able to estimate how fast you can/should travel. The minimum effective braking distance is a function of 1. your reaction time 2. effectiveness of your bikes braking parts 3. your braking technique 4. road conditions and gradient. When you grab a fistful of your brakes, the pads tend to lock both wheels. Sometimes, the resultant force throws you over the handlebars and cause you to end in an ugly "face-plant". With the correct braking technique, you will not "endo" unnecessarily. As you brake, lift you rear from the seat, shift your weight diagonally downwards to the rear while straigtening your arms. In your final crouch position, your chest should be inches above the seat and your rear just inches above the rear wheel. By shifting your weight in this manner, you are able to counteract the resultant "up and forwards" force that trys to yank you over the handlebars. You will probably wear some rubber off your wheels from the skidding but you will stop very quickly without "endo"ing. Practice this well, it'll help to save your life.

Reading the road

You need to understand what is happening all around you when you cycle. If you are already a driver, you will know how to anticipate other cars paths. Otherwise, some experience on the road will help. Also, learn how to distinguish road hazards eg. large bumps, cracks on the road and potholes. What is on the surface of the road? Oil? Sand? Moss? What is the effect of it on your braking distance? Do not just use your eyes. With experience, you can HEAR heavy vehicles approaching, FEEL the draft of a vehicle beginning to overtake you and even SENSE a driver behind looking at you.

Road shoulders

On a road without kerbs, you may sometimes encounter a 1 to 2 inches vertical drop between tarmac road and the soil. If your front wheel goes off the road and down onto the soil, do not attempt to get back onto the tarmac immediately. Unless you are supremely skillful, the forces acting on the bike will cause a front wheel skid-fall. I have witness at least 2 such incidents where cyclists in front of me have lost some skin to the tarmac this way. Where possible, let the rear wheel drop onto the soil before attempting to get back onto the tarmac. I would recommend a path of travel back up of no more than 45 degrees to perpedicular of the tarmac. Approach at any greater angle and the reaction force from the front wheel hitting the vertical edge may yank your front wheel front beneath you.

ON THE ROADCross traffic junctions - safety check

We all know that we have to look before we proceed. But which parts of the cross traffic junction do we have to be careful of?

Blind spot

Sometimes a large vehicle will pass you while you are within the junction box. This is a dangerous time as vehicles waiting on path 3(see picture above) may not see you as you are hidden behind the large vehicle. If the road is clear behind you, they may decide to begin their turn only to see you too late. Slow down until you can ensure that path 3 is clear before proceeding.

Positioning at red lights

Position your bike several feet ahead of the leading car (be careful not to go into the junction box!) so that the driver behind you can see you and give you ample space when moving off. By positioning you bike there, you will not have to jostle for space once the green light appears.

Buses and long vehicles

When being overtaken by long vehicles, slow down so that they can pass you as quickly as possible. In so doing, you reduce your risk of being 'squeezed out' onto the kerb.

Parked vehicles

Be careful of these immobile dangers. Before passing one, do note if it is empty. If it is not, try to give at least 4 feet side clearance. There are inconsiderate drivers who do not check their rear before opening their doors abruptly. Also, look at the driver to see if he is about to turn out into the road. Occassionally, pedestrains may suddenly appear from in between parked cars so do control you speed before these points.

Wet weather

Best not to cycle in it. If you must cycle, beware of the smooth freshly painted road signs on the tarmac and metal grills. You will not be able to distinguish the depth of puddles so try to avoid them. If you are cycling on smooth cement after the rain, note areas with moss growing which are very slippery. Another dangerous period is when it just begins to drizzle. People tend to rush to escape the rain. Be especially alert - dont be overly preoccupied with rushing for shelter. Other drivers are rushing too!

Night riding

In dark places, always ride within the nearer of your bike light's range, your minimum effective braking distance, or as dictated by road conditions. In essence, do not go too fast at dark places.

Some of the notes above may not apply to the country that you are residing in. It depends quite alot on your local traffic condition. Just adapt as necessary.

Here is an interesting anecdote: When I was cycling in Guangzhou (China), there were so many bicycles weaving in between the chaotic traffic than I was throughly confused. I was petrified at traffic junctions. There did not seem to be any system at all. It was only until a local cyclist enlightened me: "Just worry about your front. The people behind will take care of themselves." Subsequently, it so much easier to bike around there. Its just a different cycling paradigm there.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so he calls me and asks whats wrong. and i feel like this is trapping me because i cant express anything but by not expressing it it creates a cycle. i told him i didnt want to go to the park tomorrow. to me, i expected like an oh well whatever and i’d watch some videos and go to sleep.

but now he was starting into his shit again. and hes telling me its not okay im not referred to a psychologist and that the doctor is not enough. but its like.. he does not understand clinical depression. like he doesnt understand how far depression can affect every single thing in your life and to explain this is an excuse. like why didnt you do xx today, why did it take this long to do this, why do you nap so much etc. and its like.. im tired. im really tired of being alive. and you should be fucing grateful that im sitting here today talkng to you because everyday is a choice to be alive. i AM choosing to be here DESPITE everything that says i shouldnt. despite everything that makes it super hard. 

but its all an excuse. its all “defeatist”. but its like.. i dont sit here and tell you word for word what ive spoken about or what has been said to me. the first few visits were in the understanding that i was clearly really really fucked up. like i believe the doctor believed that i was very close to commiting suicide but i was functioning at a level that i didnt need to be tipped over. like he had a real chance of helping someone in need and he jumped at the opportunity. and the trust had to be built - he asked me questions about my life and the history and we had to dicuss in depth my mother whom i have not spoken about in 7 years. 

and like part of my problem is beating myself up. like .. wow i was such a shitty kid, i was a terrible daughter to my mother - i must have been the things she said i was and that must have contributed to the eath of my father so it must be my fault. do i “believe’ this? like reallyyyy believe it? no. cuz im not dumb. these people lived their own crazy lives. but this was my life for 25 years. TWENTY. FIVE. not like oh i had a break and was a drug addict for 7 yrs. no. all twenty five years, every damn day of my life was dedicated to these people. every. single day. my own mother tried to have the cops do something for me 4 months before she died because she knew that the relationship i had with my father was detrimental on like a next level. 

but how do you turn away from a sick person? how do you do that? he said i should feel pride. i should feel like i had strength and look at it as positive. which is fine - it’s fine. but dont you see? dont you see i put in TEN YEARS of UNPAID WORK to have a man DIE? do you know what i got from the responsiblity to other people? to be on another persons schedule? to live another persons rules?

nothing. absolutely nothing. and ive seen “grown men” decide to stop working for months at a time because a job let them go for a reason they didnt agree with. like they got “fucked”. but i really got fucked. and yu now what thanks i got?

people like him telling me i didnt do anythhing but watch tv and smoke weed. youre right. i did. in between making meals and cleaning up blood and shit, i smoked weed and watched tv. that was my only fucking solace because i could not go away for longer than a night without serious concern for my father. but i smoked weed. and i watched tv. so that means i didnt “work hard”.

but the thing is - no one my age has been a full time caregiver. no one. not a single person can tell me what its like to be a caregiver or how i should feel or what the ‘right amount’ of work is. in reality - if you believe i smoked weed and watched movies and he was always “going to die anyways” then how much “work” did i do in the decade he wasnt dead? how did i manage an entire decade with a man hell bent on killing himself? tell me how i didnt “work”.

and im not into this argument anymore. i will not allow a single person on this earth to speak on my time with my father. not a single person knows ANYTHING about this time except me and my father and hes dead. and i cannot speak solely on it. thats just my word. so i will never argue about it. believe what the fuck you want because if you dont believe me theres not a damn thing that can be done to change your mind and i dont have to care becaue i know what i did i know the time i spent with him. 

but he continued telling me he thinks i should be working and i should be trying harder. i am frustrated - how do i explain the massive concept of trauma and severe depression? do you not understand that “everyones” reaction is part of the problem and stigma of depression? this is why people are suffering in silence - well he goes to work but hes a sever alcoholic. he wants to die everyday but damnit he still goes to work. 

and its like none of this at all in any capacity makes me feel different about the world aroun me. why do you want to die? why are you still working and wanting to die? whats the point? because youre ~not dead yet~? awsome. that really gets me going. that sparked the flame right back up inside of me. i cant believe i never thought of that - might as well do it because i’m not dead yet. 

and you think its procrastination. that its inherent laziness. do you not think im procrastinating on suicide then? perhaps im just waiting it out? maybe im waiting for the final nail in the coffin; my last reason. either give me a reason to live or give me a reason to die but you know im in purgatory right now. 

and thats part of the problem - i’m asking for a reason when i should make a reason. i create my own reason. and i know that. i have worked very very hrd to solidify the concept in my brain that i have to make my own reason - no one will provide a reason and more so its not okay to have someone provide it. because someone could die or leave and then what? you make your own. i made the mistake of putting my reason into a dieing man. and i waited far too long to pull back. even when i wanted to nothing was ever as important, nothing ever fulfilled my life and soul like knowing i was responsible for this person. i had a purpose to be here. 

he continued. continued. continued. i finally broke down, “im sorry - you called  me. i was sitting here a little sad about to wath fucking gta videos and go to sleep and probably wake up in a different mood. now youve called me and made me so upset that im now in a panic attack and sobbing and contemplating my self worth. how does this help me?”

“this is just my opinion. im allowed to express my opinion when youre life affects me.” 

and he continued but continually tried to reiterate that he wasnt attacking me or my methods. it sounded more like frustration and inability to understand. like he was unwilling to accept that as a depressed person i struggled on my own to find a trust worthy doctor after having issues with doctors my whole life. then i allowed this person to help me but it wasnt like.. in the movies. this is not like fairytale romantic manic depressive pixie dream girl. like u loved me so hard i got this help and magically became amazing in 30 days and forgot all my troubles. 

this is serious trauma. this is serious trauma that now that we are getting even older has become even more detrimental because i did not even realize how traumatic it was until i learned to be “apart of society”. by “being apart of society” it triggered dozens of things in past trauma that i did not even understand as being traumatized and thus had serious depression and anxiety about issues unrelated to people just being dead. its not like oh my parents are dead and im sooo sad. no. i have a very complex grief that spanned decades and to even expect me to remember what happened to lead me to the conclusions i have now immediately and just convey this to a professional and have them give me a once over and this is how to fix it is soooo naive. 

this will be a very long process that involves more than doctors visits. he acknowledged i needed daily assistance to overcome my issues and that my own isolation for so long has prolonger and increased social issues that im not getting around on my own. he told me i needed to “grow up”. i told him i agreed. i said it was very frustrating to be me and know that this was fucked up and still be doing it because i didnt have the tools beyond myself to figure out how to “grow up”. like this is all trial and error for me. no one held my hand and protected me and patted my ass when i came home strung out and fucked up. no one sat me down and told me to put a smile on. i was not in any way shape or form parented by anyone. i have never had a parent. i have been completely independent and have thought indepndently for as long as i can remember. i have always dealt with my issues on my own and have had to care for someone for ten years starting as a teenager. in those ten years i never failed to pay a bill or do something i was supposed to do. 

okay. so this is just me. and i would love to have a parent. i would love to have someone who knows more than me around. someone who gives a shit. but i dont. so its just me. and whatever i think is right which has been convoluted by a dieing man and mentally ill woman. thats my foundation. so im sorry if im not a fucing university graduate building a 401k driving a car with my own house. im sorry. u know im sorry im not even a fucing fast food mcdonalds employee highschool graduate with 10$ in a savings account and money on a bus card. 

but bitch. i’m still here. i’m mad as hell and i’m still fucking here. thats literally the greatest accomplishment for me on a daily basis. its my biggest accomplishment and greatest anxiety. im still here. 

i told him again - all of this was making it worse. the real issue i had was having no one to talk to at all. no one wanted to listen to me. everyone wants to tell me what to do or how i should think or some negative opinion because theyre envious that i get ‘free money’. 

and the doctor had to convince me to get disability. i told him the people around me felt i could work. he said he did not believe in any way i was capable of holding a job right now and listed a number of reasons why he believed i couldnt, most having to due with symptoms of sever depression. in a switch side, if i listed these reasons i would be told theyre merely excuses by other people and that “they were tired too”. which is why he had to reiterate a number of times to fuck what other people thought. no one has to live my life but me. in reality its disgusting that people continually look down on or disrespect me outright for collecting benefits while they pity me for having issues. it’s hypocritical and bullshit. 

finally he said that he wanted to see me do better and wanted to encourage me to find ways to cope with these times of serious depression. i told him that i do have ways to cope - but this is real life and its not always successful. but yet, i have been successful - i’ve not self harmed this year. not because it was “a fad” but because i actively choose not to do that to cope. this is a choice i make during every anxiety attack. this is a sign of strength i have this year i did not last year. so perhaps i spent four hours crying but i did not cut myself or attempt suicide so all i did was spend four hours crying. just so i could be alive right now. so who cares that i spent four hours crying lets be grateful im here now. who cares that it took five days to mail a letter - i mailed the letter. thats what matters. you dont even know that ive been given disability forms twice before that were NEVEr MAILED. fuck they werent even FILLED OUT. so not only did i get these forms, i had them filled out and then i MAILED tHEM. 100% BY MYSELF. my momy didnt help me. i didnt get any fucing drives to the doctor. nothing of this process was made easy in any fucking way. and i did it. so does it matter that ti took five days? absolutely not. even if it took five days, in 60 days do you think itll matter if im accepted? when i have those benefits, do you think itll matter i took 5 days to mail the thing? fuck no. because i mailed it and got the benefits

. 

LET ME CRY. LET ME BE SAD. acknowledge i exist with this sadness!! do you not understand the pain of being ignored when you’re suffering!! i told him that i try to be a good listener for him - i let him speak about whatever he wants, whenver he wants in which ever way he wants to speak about it at the time; if he feels very angry and upset at something and expresses that, i dont later hold him to it and say “well u were angry about this before now ur not how come”. i said i never express my opinion because im a listener just listening so i acknowledge him and if i think hes doing something that is harmful to him i say something like “i dunno if thats a good idea” or “i wouldnt personally do that” or “thats gross” (usually used in context with an elaborate idea involving sex or drugs). 

he paused and said that was true and i did do that. i told him i just wanted someone to listen to me. all i really needed to be “helped” was for someone to listen without any preconceived notions or opinions they wanted to put on me. just accept the words im saying and perhaps if possible express some empathy of some kind because they understood the sentence i put out in the world and maybe they can say something like “i bet this thing happening to you would cause this feeling.” to demonstrate that they understand the connection between an event and the reaction to the event and that i am not an insane weak dumb person for having an emotion. no one does this for me. no one. including him. and i believe at this moment he understood, finally, that no one does this for me. including him. tht i am a good listener, that i do not bring him down and allow him to be his own person until i think something is harmful and then i try to express to him my serious concern about his thoughts but not tell him hes a bad person for those thoughts. hes not lazy or stupid or evil. i tell him based on personal knowledge and experience why i think its harmful and rarely is it based just on a personal opinion. like i dont say dont do drugs cuz its bad. i say dont inject drugs, dont take drugs on a regular basis - all very valid safety concerns in the use of drugs. it is not “dont do drugs”. because i know that for something to matter to someone long term you have to create your own purpose. he cant not do drugs for me or any other person. he hs to not do drugs for himself. but i can encourage better use of drugs. 

finally he apologized - an apology that has been maybe a year in the making. he said he realizes now that being aggressive and negative about things is not helping anything and that he should be encouraging about positive things in order to promote me actually recovering. he said he was “man enough” to admit that he was wrong and that this is something he should work on to better support me because he believed i was making an effort. 

but it was a very good example of something that was small that couldve been handled differently that became a massive overwhelming issue. his bottom line was that i should see a psychologist. i told him i would tell my doctor that the person closest to me in my life is saying they believe i need more/additional help than whats being provided because they want to know the person im seeing to get help is specialized in helping people like me. thats totally fine request to make. im not going to argue that the doctor is “enough”. i dont know. maybe hes right. maybe i need to talk to even more people. but to tell me this on top of “blah balh you get welfare you smoke you nap all day etc.” is horrendous and backwards. should i see a psychologist to tell them what an asshole you are and that you probably cause alot of grief in my life? 

like how my doctor thinks of you right now? 

he couldve just said hey you know i can see youre trying but i want to suggest maybe asking your doctor to refer you to a psychologist again because i think itll be helpful for both of us.

like he wanted to help and was roadblocked by the fact that i had no coping mechanisms for him to bank on. so he was coming in blind and frustrated that he is not even normally capable of being a good “shoulder to cry on” and now he had no instructions but he still had a very sad girl to worry about. and this doctor didnt “give me” any coping mechanisms so what good is this doctor if he cant “fix” the issue he has to deal with now. 

but there is no coping mechanism. theres no like “turn on this song and ill be okay”. theres a variety of things i can try to do, not all of them will work, but one will. one will bsolutely because if one does not, ill be dead. one is always going to work even if the one is time. just waiting it out and battlign it in some meditative state. but one will work. 

like he disregarded alot of reasons for what i do as like some general thing i just “like”. like some random thing in my head that makes me like it. and im obsessed with watching specific gamers on youtube. i do not play video games. like i have almost no interest in video games. i dont care who the fuck wins. i dont care about the mechanics of a game. i will watch the most boring ass games like a shitty flash game or a fucing terrible job simulator that is just the most complicated system of buttons and bullshit to move a fucing tractor and i would never even remotely consider even trying to play the game let alone download it or install it.

but here i am. hours a day. watching games i will never play by men i will never meet. and i trid to explain this -  its “sad” to you that im going to go watch these things. but to me its like.. a graduated version of something that can be simplified with penny lane’s quote, “if you ever get lonely you just go to the record store and say hi to your friends”. like ive always held the idea that music and sound is a constant familiar. so i have specific sounds - much like people have specfic smells or tastes. as a kid my fathers keys jingled in his pockeet and i could hear this jingle from anywhere in the store. like my ears trained to it because i feared getting lost but if i could hear it i knew i was okay. a bit older i grabbed on to all my favourite bands but what i found was after years of doing things, familiarity felt like visitng a grave. like nothing changed. it was so familiar it was stale, it was a nostalgic memory i was visitng and not being embraced by a warm hug. many of my favourite bands broke up and stopped releasing new music. 

i told him that the sound of these mens voices was calming. like i had alot of isolation and listening to music or whatever didnt seem real. but here are these real life people who have their own things they do and that happen to them and everyday they pop up and talk about nothing. NOTHING> they come and be like “hey so today we’re going to build a room” or “so today we’re going to race this virtual car” and nothing in the game matters and like people get “mad” but no one is mad. because nothing in the game matters. you die, you come back. 

and like the attitude of these people helps. like “damn im in last place today BUT ILL GET YOU” because nothing in the game matters. or maybe you feel invested in some grand feat theyre trying and they dont get it and theyre like ah shit well gotta keep trying.  so ive focused on specific gamers who rarely are offensive or loud or otherwise unwatchable. 

but he brushed it off a bit, “yeah, yeah, its someone with a comforting voice” but the tone of his voice hinted at jealousy; like why wasnt it him? why couldnt he just play a video game and make commentary and ill feel better? why does it have to be these guys?

and maybe because i dont know them? they will (potentially) never do me wrong. maybe one day they’ll stop recording. theres a small chance theyll say something super offensive or racist. but i mean theyre never going to personally attack me. theyre never going to point me out and say this girl is fucked. i can be their friend without being their friend. i get to be apart of inside jokes and funny conversations but never actually apart of it. i get to feel like i’m not alone while being terribly alone. and i dont think im necessarily choosing this above other things to cope - i think it’s what i’m “making due with”. i found something and it takes such little effort. 

im honestly at a point where i am waiting. my current perspective on life is that people are absolute fucking pieces of shit who have little regard for anyone but themselves or their own kind. however there are 7 billion people on the planet and it would be “racist” so say “all humans” are pieces of shit. so like.. a lare majority of humans are pieces of shit and there are a few who are actually good souls but when you have 7 billion ppl and like 100,000 are good - who the fuck cares? thats like a drop in the bucket. to act in the world as though you are encountering those 100,000 ppl on a daily basis is a set up for failure and thus how it creates the cycle of 7 billion pieces of shit because “self preservation”. 

from what i have honestly seen of the world - fuck the world. hands down 100% i have absolutely no desire what so ever to participate in society. i have experienced some terrible shit and i have seen and heard some even worse terrible shit and the positive DOES NOT outweigh the negative at all in anyway. the only reason people care about me in any way right now is because i am considered a “burden” to them by having issues. i dont want my issues. i hope i recover and become a mentally sound and healthy individual. because i do not in any way want to be involved with people on a whole. like if i can afford to live alone and buy my own food and not struggle as i have been - i’m done. i’m sorry. i’m waiting to leave society. i realized how disgusting people are and have lowered myself to using them when i can for like the very basic theyre willing to do (despite what i put out i never get remotely the same in return) and when i am capable of supporting myself i honest to god dont thin ill do half or more of the things i do now “for people”. thats the thing - i’m now waiting to isolate myself further because the experience ive had says there is nothing there for me. if i want to live, ill be living alone, secluded and isolated. 

because honestly? im not fucing with a single person who did not fuck with me during this time. fuck. you. you let me struggle and suffer alone and youre soooooo happy im on benefits now? no. youre not. youre more than likely going behind my back and talking shit about it anyways but you think im “cool” or “talented” so you’d like to be associated with me. but you dont want any of the “drama” or “baggage” so youre not even really a fucing friend. 

the only thing keeping me going right now is the idea that maybe before the end of the year, i wont have to do _this_ anymore. ill get my own place, have my own food, live my own life and i fucking deserve it no matter how much the pieces of shit cry about it and how they dont get it because i dont “get” half the shit they do in their lives and never have. the pieces of shit will always be pieces of shit and they will never stand to see someone have something they dont. 

i learned about myself that i like to cook. i like buying ingrediens for food and trying new recipes and i can do that alone. i can just eat nice food on my own. i like to play guitar but i like to play for myself not to share music. i dont get anythng from sharing. its a totally personal experience just for me. and not having the space to be alone to play guitar is depressing. i like animals. i want to learn to travel by myself. i have literally never gone anywhere by myself. LITERLLY. LIT.ER.ALLY. i have never gotten on a bus to another city and been in that city by myself. just like.. existed in the city by myself. NEVER. but i cannot learn this if i cannot travel and i cannot travel without some sort of purpose behind it. i want to go back to making art for me not because im the artist who makes art. i saw a movie by myself for the first time ever last week. 

it took 10 yrs to have experiences that 18 yr olds do. im not “living like a teenager”. its that i NEVER LIVED AS A TEENAGER to be able to become an adult. and now that i am an adult i cannot make teenage mistakes. 

and thus we give the highest of praise to the singular best accomplishment of my whole life:

not pregnant. do not have kids. not a drug addict. not an alcoholic. 

do you understand at all the HIGHEST OF CHANCES i had to have children? i was a naive girl with no parental supervision, no outlet for myself, super emotional & depressed. 

then he tells me, “you know, learn from your parents”.

bitch i did. my mother was 25 years old when she met my old ass father and MARRIED HIM ONE WEEK AFTER. did i do this? she did this KNOWING he had little to no feeling of love for her. this bitch had been abandoned and fucked with by her family sooo much she was like the only way out is with this guy and she grabbed on to him and NEVER FUCKING LEFT.

so bitch.

i did.

im 27 yrs old. youre 26 yrs old. i live on my own. you live at home. ive never been pregnant. ive never been married. yep - my mother and i did not “work”. that is a serious flaw we shared. she also never acknowledge the SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS SHE HAD WHICH LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME NOT LIKE FIGURATIVELY BUT LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME AND I DID NOT EVEN HAVE THE WHEREIWTHAL TO KNOW IT HWAS HAPPENING 

so i did. i did learn from my parents. my father told me people are fucking terrible and they are. i learned. in fact i did not. i did not learn. i lived in a naivety that people are good. and people want to hear me sy people are good because god forbid they be considered shit but lbr.. you’re probably terrible. i’m pretty terrible. i am totally in limbo where i have like 6 months to a yr before this becomes “my fault”. 

so youre right. i am waiting. im waiting to see what independence looks like and whether or not i’d fuck with people like this. and like all i can say is im glad it took 12 months to realize that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. i did thank him. might as well put my own shit into practice - it doesn matter it took 12 months bcause he is admitting it now. and it makes me feel a bit better but at the same time i feel like an obvious statement is if you had known this even 6 months ago, how much better off might i be now? if the closest person to me in life was a positive rather than a negative, how much better would i be now? take some fucing responsibility for the fct that not only do i have to fight myself, but i have to fight through the negativity people like him put on me and decide despite what they aid to stay alive. not like feel a desire to want to because they reminded me of all the good things. i have to fight and be angry and create alot of bitterness towards them and live in spite. thats not fair. and life might be “unfair” and i “choose” to stay aroun someone who has consistently made things sooo bad but my god take 1 second to see it from my side. imagine if i had 6 months of positive reinforcement from the closest person in my life and a professional. i wouldnt have had the second hospital visit. i’d really be in a much better place than i am right now and its SUPER unfair to hold it against me that he cause damaged i had to fix before i could even focus on my actual issues. he held me bac and i allowed him to hold me back and prolong this process. im not even going to blame him like an excuse. i allowed him to hold me back. maybe i allowed it so i would have an excuse. if he tells me all the negative things i think about myself then its like reiterating that what i think is right. it deepens the depression. 

but honestly having someone in his position - where he was very much becoming a second coming of my terrible parents, suddenly apologize and admit they were wrong is actually okay. that actually helps my life a bit. for a long time i wanted this from my mother.