#like i get it youre in pain and you're struggling and i acknowledged the role that that has on our relationship

[moon-ager]

i swear i am just never allowed to tell her how i feel

[diealittlesometime]

Touch of Ruin

──── 004. Undercurrents

pairing ☆ natasha x reader, wanda x reader

chapter summary ☆ As you continue to mentor Wanda, Natasha's unease grows, straining your relationship. Meanwhile, a new threat demands the Avengers' collaboration, but the mission's success only drives Natasha further away, troubled by your bond with the other.

word count ☆ 2.2k

SERIES MASTERLIST || MAIN MASTERLIST

The gym at the SHIELD facility was bustling with activity, the air thick with the sound of grunts and clanging weights. Yet, in one corner, a quieter, more intense form of training was taking place. Wanda, her focus razor-sharp, was attempting to harness her powers under your watchful guidance.

"Concentrate, Wanda. Visualize your target and nothing else," you instructed, your tone both commanding and encouraging.

With a deep breath, Wanda raised her hands, her fingers twitching slightly as red energy swirled around them. She nodded, acknowledging your advice, and with a sudden thrust, directed the energy towards the dummy target across the room. The burst was well-aimed but more forceful than intended, tearing the target apart.

"Better, much better," you praised, clapping lightly. "You're getting a handle on it."

Wanda flashed a grateful smile, the intensity of the session still visible in her flushed cheeks. "Thanks to you. I never thought I could manage them like this," she gestured to the wisps of energy dissipating into the air.

"It's all you, Wanda. I just guided you a bit," you replied, your tone light, trying to bolster her confidence further.

As you both walked towards the benches lining the edge of the field, Wanda's demeanor shifted slightly, a thoughtful expression crossing her features. "You know, I’ve been wondering," she started hesitantly, "about you… about your story. You've helped me so much, but I realize I don’t know much about you, beyond the training."

The directness of the question took you off guard, not because of the personal nature of the inquiry but because of the implication of how much Wanda valued your relationship. You considered how much to share; the scars from your past were always a sensitive topic. "Well, there's not much to tell that’s not SHIELD files and mission reports," you began, offering her a half-smile. "But I guess, like you, I’ve had my share of struggles with my abilities."

Wanda nodded, sensing the weight behind your words. "It means a lot, you know, having someone who understands. It’s… it’s made a big difference."

The sincerity in her voice warmed you, and without fully realizing it, you found yourself sharing more about your past, the challenges, and the few triumphs. Wanda listened intently, her eyes never leaving yours, a silent support that you hadn't realized you needed.

The gym became a sanctuary of sorts, a place where the complexities of your lives as Avengers could be set aside, if only for a moment, to focus on the shared goal of mastering Wanda’s powers.

In the quiet moments between exercises, conversations veered away from techniques and strategies, delving instead into personal anecdotes and shared experiences. Wanda spoke of her upbringing in Sokovia, the devastation wrought by war, and the guilt she carried for the role she played in her homeland's turmoil. You, in turn, opened up about your own struggles, the isolation that came with your destructive abilities, and the slow journey towards acceptance and control.

With each revelation, the bond between you strengthened, rooted in a mutual understanding of the burdens you both carried. It was a connection that surpasses words, an unspoken camaraderie born from shared pain and shared growth.

Yet, amidst the growing closeness with Wanda, a subtle undercurrent of tension began to simmer beneath the surface of your relationship with Natasha. Though you had hoped that your reassurances and continued dedication to your partnership would alleviate any lingering unease, it seemed that Natasha's doubts only grew with each passing day.

The signs were subtle at first—a missed meal together, a strained smile in the corridors, a slight hesitation in her touch—but they soon escalated into something more palpable, more insidious. It was as if a distance had formed between you, a gulf widening with each passing interaction, until it felt like you were standing on opposite shores, shouting across an unbridgeable divide.

You tried to ignore the growing rift, burying yourself in the distractions of training sessions and missions, but it was impossible to escape the weight of Natasha's silent withdrawal. It gnawed at you, a constant reminder of the fragility of the bonds you had worked so hard to build.

One evening, as you returned to your shared quarters after a particularly grueling training session with Wanda, you found Natasha sitting alone at the small table in the center of the room, her gaze fixed on a mission report spread out before her.

"Hey, Nat," you greeted her softly, the tension in the air almost palpable. "How was your day?"

Natasha looked up, her expression guarded, her usual warmth replaced by a distant reserve. "Fine," she replied curtly, her tone clipped. "Yours?"

You hesitated, sensing the barrier between you growing thicker with each passing moment. "It was… good. Productive," you offered, trying to keep the conversation light.

There was a pregnant pause, the silence stretching between you like a yawning chasm. You could feel Natasha's eyes on you, probing, searching for something you couldn't quite name.

Finally, unable to bear the tension any longer, you spoke up, the words tumbling out in a rush. "Nat, is everything okay? You've been… different lately. Distant."

Natasha's gaze flickered, her mask slipping for a fraction of a second before it snapped back into place. "I'm fine," she replied, her voice brittle. "Just busy, that's all."

But you could see through the facade, could feel the weight of unspoken words hanging heavy in the air. It was clear that whatever was troubling Natasha ran deeper than mere busyness, deeper than she was willing to admit.

Before you could press further, a shrill alarm pierced the silence, signaling an incoming mission briefing. With a shared glance, you both rose from the table, the tension lingering between you like a shadow.

The mission was urgent, demanding the full attention and cooperation. As you gathered in the briefing room, you couldn't help but notice the strained atmosphere, the feeling of unease that pulsed through the air like a living thing.

Natasha, as always, was the picture of professionalism, her focus unwavering as she absorbed the details of the mission. But even her stoic facade couldn't entirely mask the tension that coiled beneath the surface.

As the briefing concluded and the team dispersed to prepare for the mission ahead, you found yourself lingering behind, your gaze drawn inexorably to Natasha's retreating form. There was a longing in your heart, a desperate desire to bridge the gap that had formed between you, but you knew that some wounds ran too deep to heal with mere words.

With a heavy sigh, you turned away, steeling yourself for the challenges that lay ahead. The mission demanded your full attention, your unwavering focus, and as you stepped into the waiting aircraft, you pushed aside thoughts of Natasha and the fractured bond between you, focusing instead on the task at hand. But as the aircraft soared into the night sky, carrying you towards the looming threat that awaited, you couldn't shake the feeling that something had shifted, something irrevocable had changed.

As the aircraft hummed through the sky, each member of the team was wrapped in their own thoughts, preparing for the confrontation. Your mind, however, was split between the mission and the unresolved tension with Natasha. This internal conflict added an extra layer of weight to your already burdened shoulders. Despite your efforts to compartmentalize these concerns, the emotional turmoil subtly eroded your usual sharp focus.

The mission location was a stark, remote island that seemed almost untouched by time. Upon landing, the team quickly mobilized, each member slipping into their role with practiced ease. The sense of unity in purpose was palpable, but so was the underlying strain in personal sense. You found yourself occasionally stealing glances at Natasha, trying to gauge her state of mind, but her expression remained an unreadable mask, her attention fixed on the objective.

The threat was a rogue faction equipped with advanced, experimental technology, posing a significant risk not only to the local area but on a global scale if their plans came to fruition. The strategy was clear: infiltrate the base, neutralize the threat, and secure any intelligence related to their operations.

As the operation unfolded, you found yourself paired with Wanda. Her powers, now more controlled and precise, were crucial in navigating the labyrinthine corridors of the enemy stronghold. Her focus was impeccable, and you couldn't help but feel a surge of pride in how far she had come under your guidance.

Navigating through the shadowed corridors, your communication with Wanda was minimal yet effective, a testament to the mutual understanding and trust that had developed between you. She cleared pathways with her energy, manipulated electronic locks, and provided cover when needed. It was during these moments of cooperative silence that you could see the reflections of your earlier self in her — the raw potential slowly being honed into something formidable.

"You're doing great, Wanda," you whispered after she discreetly disabled a security camera with a flicker of red energy, her control precise enough to leave the surrounding equipment untouched.

"Learning from the best," she responded, her voice low and tinged with gratitude. The brief smile she flashed your way was not just an acknowledgment of your compliment but a recognition of the deeper bond that had formed through the countless hours of training and conversation.

However, despite the satisfaction derived from Wanda's progress, your mind couldn't entirely shake off the discomfort regarding Natasha. During a brief moment of downtime as you waited for the next phase of the mission to commence, you saw Natasha coordinating with other team members, her leadership as assertive and effective as ever. Yet, there was a stiffness in her movements, a forced distance in her interactions that she usually didn't display. It was subtle enough that others might not notice, but to you, it was glaringly apparent.

The mission pressed on, demanding your full attention as you approached the main control room where the rogue faction's leaders were believed to be. The team split into two groups: you and Wanda were tasked with entering the control room and securing the area, while Natasha and others handled the extraction of information and prisoners.

As you and Wanda breached the control room door, a burst of chaotic energy greeted you. Hostiles armed with unconventional weaponry attempted to barricade themselves, but between Wanda's telekinetic abilities and your tactical expertise, you quickly subdued the threat.

Once the area was secured, and as you awaited Natasha's team to join you, Wanda leaned against a console, wiping a bead of sweat from her brow. "Every time I think I’ve seen it all, something new comes up," she commented, her gaze scanning the high-tech equipment around her.

"It never really stops, does it?" you replied, checking your weapon before holstering it. "But you handle it well."

Wanda’s expression softened, her eyes meeting yours with a mixture of respect and something more—a depth of emotion that hadn't been there before. "Thanks to you," she said quietly. "You’ve made me feel like I’m really part of this team, not just an outsider with too much power and nowhere to put it."

Before you could respond, Natasha’s team entered, breaking the moment. Natasha's eyes briefly met yours, a flicker of something undefinable passing between you before she redirected her focus to the task at hand. Her professionalism was impeccable, but the personal connection that once defined your interactions felt strained, almost as if she was purposefully maintaining a barrier she hadn’t before.

The completion of the mission brought a mixed sense of relief and tension. While the team had successfully neutralized the threat and secured valuable intelligence, the dynamics within the group, particularly between you, Natasha, and Wanda, remained subtly altered. The ride back to SHIELD headquarters was quiet, the usual post-mission debriefings and conversations replaced with introspective silence.

Upon returning, the debrief was thorough. Natasha led the session with her usual efficiency, outlining the mission's successes and areas for improvement. However, her interactions with you were perfunctory, lacking the warmth and private smiles that once punctuated even the most serious debriefs.

As the meeting disbanded, Natasha lingered by the conference table, organizing her notes and avoiding unnecessary conversation. You paused by the doorway, watching her for a moment, contemplating whether to bridge the gap with conversation or give her the space it seemed she might need.

Deciding on a middle ground, you approached quietly, stopping a reasonable distance away. "Natasha, if there’s anything we need to talk about…"

She looked up, her face unreadable. "We’ve covered everything mission-related. Good work today," she replied, her voice steady, her eyes briefly meeting yours before shifting away.

The formality stung more than you expected. "I meant about us, Nat," you pushed gently, feeling the rift widening with every guarded word she spoke.

Natasha set her papers down, her posture stiffening slightly. "I think it’s clear we’re both busy, and things are running smoothly. There’s no need to complicate matters," she stated, a hint of finality in her tone.

"But it’s not, is it? Something’s off," you persisted, trying to reach the part of her that might still want to resolve whatever this was between you.

Natasha sighed, a rare sign of her patience waning. "Maybe I just need a little space," she suggested, not unkindly, but with a firmness that suggested this was not up for further discussion.

The conversation ended there, leaving a lingering sense of unease as you both walked out of the room. The space she requested was given, out of respect and perhaps a hope that distance might restore what closeness had begun to erode.

[spacelazarwolf]

I really hate how often neo ra/df/ems will go on and on about how trans fem's transitions are waaaaaay more difficult and they're waaaaaay less likely to pass, but if a trans masc dared to make any similar comparisons, they'd be fucking crucified.

There are a lot of feelings I have around sex-based discrimination and the difficulties of a masculinizing transition. On one hand, I don't think comparing struggles like that is useful (i.e. trans women have harder transitions).

On the other hand, I feel like the reality of the situation is actually quite the opposite for many people (everyone acknowledges that testosterone makes your voice drop and you grow hair, but nobody seems to want to acknowledge hysterectomy vs orchi, voice training is still often needed, electrolysis for phallo, the fact that bottom surgery is usually multi-staged [even metoidioplasty is sometimes 2 stages] with a lot of moving parts and far worse scarring, top surgery is almost a necessity for passing whereas not every trans fem wants top surgery + scars are easier to hide, face masculinization is far less common w/ fewer options, puberty begins earlier in perisex people AFAB and puberty blockers don't always allow for full height to be achieved bc they don't typically allow you to start testosterone until you're about 15 even IF you were a "classic" trans-since-3-years-old kinda case, the extreme body horror that is accidental pregnancy and abortion and menstruation when that's dysphoric vs not being able to carry a pregnancy just feels like an insulting comparison sometimes and I've had multiple trans women call me inconsiderate for expressing horror at getting my bodily rights taken away bc "that triggers my dysphoria", testosterone is a scheduled substance and has more difficult administration methods than simply a pill, etc.)

And so I bite my tongue and try to be the better person, because stooping to that low doesn't help anything. But at the same time it's so extremely frustrating to be told that you "have it better" when, considering the facts, it REALLY feels like the opposite. There's this level of bitterness around that that I am DESPERATELY trying to resolve within myself. I have a therapist. I know it's projection. I'm working on my own bullshit. But please tell me I'm not alone in feeling this way? I just wish they'd stop with that rhetoric and realize just how difficult the average trans masc transition truly is

yeah it's really frustrating for ppl to present Trans Women's Experiences and Trans Men's Experiences as diametrically opposed, with one experience being Eternal Pain And Inescapable Suffering and the other being Barely A Blip On The Life Radar. and while i understand it's coming from a place of pain, i've also experienced a lot of trans women shutting me down when i try to talk about how abortion rights affect me. back when i was first dipping my toe into trans spaces, i was friends with a trans woman who told me it was transmisogynistic of me to want to transition because "trans women would kill to have been born in your body." and while it absolutely comes from a different place than when cis men try to assert control over me and there's not the same power dynamic, it's still a complete stranger feeling entitled to tell me what to do with my body because of the sex i was assigned at birth. it's frustrating to have people i'm supposed to be in community with play into the same sexist bullshit that other people, regardless of gender, have been holding over my head my whole life, feeling like they own my body bc women and ppl who are forcibly assigned the role of women in society are seen as public property. our bodies aren't our own. everyone feels entitled to comment on them and touch them and make decisions about them. and it sucks when it comes from other people who should understand how that feels.

and like. obviously this idea that trans men's transition is so much easier than trans women's is unhelpful bc 1. there is no one particular way for trans men to transition, 2. not everyone who transitions in the way typically associated with trans men is a trans man, 3. it doesn't take into account how disability, race, ethnicity, etc. play into people's experiences before, during, and after transition, and 4. it's just not a fucking competition????? the fact that a disabled black trans man is going to be more systemically oppressed in society than a wealthy white trans woman doesn't mean trans men as a category are Objectively More Oppressed than trans women. bc gender is like. the worst possible way to try to gauge a group's place within the system. bc at this point, gender is not the most powerful system, race is. and i feel like a fuck ton of people really do not recognize that.

another thing that has bugged me for as long as i've been in trans spaces is this bizarre attitude that trans women are doomed to this miserable life of clockability and will never be able to pass as cis women thus they must accept that their life will be nothing but pain and suffering. and that's just very much not true! i know plenty of trans women who "pass" or who are happy with their bodies, who have jobs they love and friends and family who love them, who have a community that supports and celebrates them. and it has just always rubbed me the wrong way that people think they're helping trans women by presenting their existence as Inevitably Miserable when all it does is terrify closeted trans girls who think they're better off never coming out or transitioning, or better off dying. like. we have to understand that these narratives we create, the idea of the perpetually suffering trans woman and the lonely isolated trans man, are absolutely driving people to suicidal ideation. and if we give a shit about trans people, we should be changing these narratives.

[shadebloopnik]

Whenever Im feeling down(or need some emotions or diy therapy session) i like to rewatch that supernatural episode where John's dying and so uses one of his last moments to apologize to Dean; to acknowledge all that Dean's done for their family, for him, things Dean never should have had to do. He knew he should've been more of a father to Dean, but he wasn't.

The admittance of his mistakes, how shit he'd been as a dad, how he'd become more of a drill sergeant. Admitting how wrong it was to raise Dean as a soldier, how Dean had to lose his childhood.

The responsibilities he put on his child. Dean gave his all for John and Sam, they're all he has, and finally, Dean can see that being acknowledged. Finally someone says it out loud.

To hear those words, so so important....

John was a horrible father. He was a good man, strong, intelligent, a protector, perhaps a hero to many; but to get there, he had to sacrifice his role as a father to his sons. He became jaded, obsessive , callous, and abusive; mentally, emotionally, and, well we all know it, physically. He was their drill sergeant, of course it got physical. It was to toughen them up, yes, saved them in the long run, yes, but its not how a Father should have raised them, and that's where it all circles back to doesn't it? Him being a father, the one role he failed in.

John loved his sons, of course he did, no question, but at this point, his love was twisted. His love for Mary became obsession, and love for his sons became rage fueled training, harsh and cruel and biting. To him, the greatest act of love he could offer was making sure they lived, no matter how they may end up on the other side.

Dean took all of that on from such a young age; tried to shield his brother from it best as he can. It never gets acknowledged before; not much by Sam who sees it as blind obedience, and not from John who simply expected it.

And yet now, John's acknowledging Dean's struggles and apologizing, and yes it was suspicious as hell, but do you know how else that'd feel like? How freeing? Knowing that your efforts didn't fo unnoticed?

Yes it doesn't change anything but its in ADMITTING IT. Its in the saying, in just being.

Its hard to be hurt so much by the one you love, one you choose to stick by regardless of trouble. To hear them acknowledge everything, its-...... Sometimes you'd have doubts you know? Think maybe you're just imagining all the pain, that you're just being dramatic and things aren't actually that bad. Even when your heart hurts, you try to convince yourself nothing's actually wrong. So to hear someone else validate it, and not just anyone else, but the person who hurt you!!!! Its such a rush of emotion; you wanna cry and laugh hysterically at the same time!!! Like haha im not a dramatic cracy btch after all!!!

And its not even till then that you realize just how badly you needed to hear it.

Maybe its why I come back to this scene when I'm down. To hear the words of a bastard piece of sht of a failed father who against all odds is still filled with love, admitting everything.

Those exact words, even the situations....

Guess I need to hear em too.

[arabella-s-arts]

Watched the new atla show. And now I will share my thoughts because I need to put them somewhere.

I agree with people that it kind of fell flat. More like an impersonation than the actual show. Also, people are right, where is Katara's rage? I'm not going to dive into it, because people already have, but Katara is stubborn and righteous, so where'd they put those qualities?

I wish the show would stop telling us everything. Like, stop telling me that Ozai thought finding the Avatar would be impossible, and sent Zuko on this quest anyway. I know, it's obvious. I don't need to be told the subtext, that's why it's subtext. Subtality could do this show a world of good.

Zhao's death sucked. It was perfect how it was in the original, it showed Zuko's kindness, and Zhao's hubris being his downfall was perfect. Also, this isn't necessarily a complaint, just something I noticed, Zhao feels different in the show. A guy with similar aspirations and ideas, yes, but not the same guy we all hate.

The acting wasn't always the greatest, but I can't tell if it's actually the actor's fault or script (probably script).

I wish Sokka was involved in the Jet plotline, he played a big part in it originally, and it really showed his true character.

Why did Katara and Aang never get any actual training in Northern Water Tribe? That's what they were there to do. Somehow, magically Katara became a master waterbender, because she what? Believed in herself? That's not how learning a skill works. Imagine trying to learn the flute, you're confident, and you figured out on your own how to play a few notes. But you still need someone to teach you the rest of the notes, how to trill, how to read the sheet music, etc. You can't learn everything just from confidence.

The costumes bothered me so much. Sokka and Katara's coats looked so light weight, which is probably more comfortable for the actors, but those coats could not shield you from a light breeze, much less a frozen tundra. Also someone pointed out that their clothes don't actually look worn, and they're right.

What on earth was the scarf scene? Why was it there? What was the point? I am not a Zutara shipper (though I have no hate for the shippers, just dislike for the ship), and now online is just going to be posts about that.

Was Suki just not wearing her warrior make-up because she had to kiss Sokka? Either way, it's still upsetting. The one time she doesn't wear her warrior make-up (which is an honor to wear) is when she's finally in a real fight, and on the day Kyoshi shows up too. Also, no Sokka wearing warrior make-up? I get if they couldn't fit it in, but it's still a bit sad.

I don't understand them getting rid of the fact that Aang ran away, I think it really makes his character more complex as he struggles to take on the responsibilities of the Avatar.

They sorta switched Sokka and Katara's roles in the Omashu tunnels, which I don't get.

Having Zuko fight Ozai in the Agni Kai was a terrible idea.

I'm sorry to say this, because I don't like Zuko being in pain. But Zuko's scar is smaller and a lot more understated than in the animation. I don't know much about burnt tissue, or how it will scar, especially with their technology. But we rarely see heroes with facial scars beyond a line through the eye or something, I don't want it taken away. The scar doesn't even seem to reach his ear. And I'm sad about them confirming his sight was fine. Zuko with some hearing and vision loss is technically just a headcanon. But then why did Zuko only leave his unscarred side up when sleeping around people he didn't trust in the animated version?

I could tell that Aang was airbending during it, so it wasn't really flying. But it's a little too similar, especially considering how significant flying is in Korra.

The thing that bothered me the most was Yue's death. Why was it barely acknowledged?! Yue made a huge sacrifice, but instead we're making up a plotline that causes Aang to have the spotlight instead. And when Sokka was talking to Arnook about Yue, somehow the conversation became focused on Sokka, and his insecurity, instead of someone they both deeply miss (though Sokka and Yue's relationship development could've been better). Sokka is joking around again by the end of the episode, it feels like her death never happened! And why make her a fish! No offense to fishes, but it feels less impactful, and in the original, we could see how Yue was able to keep some of herself alive in the way she presents herself as a spirit, she doesn't do that here.

Some things I liked:

Zuko being upset about Aang stealing his journal.

Sokka and Suki had really good chemistry (though, the show doesn't really give us a reason why Suki likes him, she seems annoyed with him when they first meet).

The effects were good, and I liked a lot of the fight scenes.

Kyoshi.

Oma and Shu being lesbians.

That one lady hitting Zuko for trying to hurt Aang.

Suki being awkward and beating up the guy she likes.

I am impressed with how they were able to overlap some story lines. That must have been difficult to figure out.

The sets.

Azula.

[dropintomanga]

Given - Wanting to be Heard Loud and Clear

"If one day you woke up, and the person you love was suddenly gone from this world, how would that make you feel? How would you describe it?"

While we usually get along with the people we care about, there's always bound to be arguments. They more often than not revolve around subtle things, but sometimes, they do get deadly serious in a hurry. And when they don't get resolved, well, let's just say that boundaries have been crossed for the worst.

I just started reading Natsuki Kizu's Given and the first arc (which was the entire 1st season of the anime) explores the tension of wanting to express yourself while being overwhelmed with grief that you can't easily explain.

Given is about a rock band made up of 4 young men whose troubled pasts and their shared love of music brought them together. The first arc is about two members, Ritsuka Uenoyama and Mafuyu Sato. The story starts off with Uenoyama wanting to take a break at a staircase in his high school. He catches a very timid Mafuyu sitting there as well and notices that the latter is carrying a guitar. When Uenoyama notices that a string on the guitar is broken, he offers to fix it. The two would connect and Uenoyama introduces Mafuyu to his other bandmates, Akihiko Kaji and Haruki Nakayama. Mafuyu is offered to join the band and is even asked to sing for them.

When the 4 of them are getting ready for a performance at a concert, Mafuyu's past is slowly revealed. Uenoyama and Mafuyu run into each other after Mafuyu's job interview. They would bump into an old friend of Mafuyu's, who reveals that the guitar Mafuyu has in his possession is from someone he loved in the past. Mafuyu panics and Uenoyama tries to comfort him. However, Mafuyu can't bring to words about his past while Uenoyama starts to realize that he's having a strong feeling towards Mafuyu. Tension between the two starts to happen and threatens to tear the band apart.

We later learn that the guitar is from a childhood friend turned lover of Mafuyu's, Yuki Yoshida. Yoshida would later die and it was suspected to be a suicide. Mafuyu is unsure about the role of Yuki's guitar in his life as he just took it for Yuki's mom's sake. Is he moving forward or running away?

It's difficult to talk about suicide and especially if it was your partner. Mafuyu comments how he's not really good at expressing himself outside having a great singing voice. I sometimes think about how hard it is talk about the dead. You think things will be fine as long as you're together. Sadly, it's not always that simple. The past is strong. Your memories of someone you lost just don't go away easily. Sometimes, you still see the person wherever you go.

When I look at Mafuyu, it felt like Yoshida's death hasn't fully sunk in yet. He carries the guitar and his mind in a in-between phase between holding on to his old reality and his new reality. Things that were once neat and organized are now scattered. Mafuyu is struggling to catch up or is in the process of doing so.

What complicated Mafuyu's thought process were the events leading up to Yoshida's death. The two would have an argument about Yuki's growing love for music, which was slowly drifting them apart. Yuki said he would quit and that he couldn't live without Mafuyu. Mafuyu then said that Yuki should die for him if that's the case. Those words became the hammer that drove the nail in as Yuki drank himself to death.

There's a part I enjoyed before the concert in Volume 2 where Mafuyu finally realizes what he has to do. During one rehearsal a week before the concert, Akihiko tells the band to stop practicing because of the constant tension between Mafuyu and Uenoyama. He would later talk to Mafuyu about lyrics for a song they want to do. Akihiko acknowledges Mafuyu's pain and tells him,

"If you don't come to terms with your past, you won't be able to write those lyrics. You need to make a decision. Do you want to express those feelings? Or do you want to run away from putting them into words?"

The magic would start to happen at the concert when Uenoyama becomes able to communicate how he feels about Mafuyu's impact on his life. Mafuyu would finally express his loneliness in dramatic fashion in front of a crowd. He says something that made me tear up,

"The truth is...the truth is, I've always just wanted someone to hear me scream out this pain and misery that's stuck inside. Even if it's just a little...I wanted someone to understand."

Many of us carry something emotionally heavy inside of us. While it's considered not okay by most of the public to talk about it, we have to talk about it. At the same time, there's definitely people out there who don't want to understand the pain we're in. They don't want to see the weight we carry.

It's funny because while we talk about preventing the stigma about talking things mental health-related, the stigma still exists. I wonder if that's because there's definitely topics that hit too close to home for some people and we can't take on that kind of pain. There's also a cultural aspect that makes awareness movements just lip service. I see this in Mafuyu because he didn't know who to turn to about processing Yuki's death.

What saved everything was direct communication with people who were willing to listen and not be freaked out by the trauma. Uenoyama was a bit bothered at first, but he realized how much Mafuyu was trying to be a good performer and wanted to love him for it. Akihiko and Hikari were the senpais offering their ears and voices as needed without being too preachy.

I see myself in Mafuyu quite a bit as I know someone I loved will die one day of a terminal illness. There's definitely words that I regret saying and not saying. I carry parts of them in my life and I pretend they're still talking to me. Mafuyu said "I'm so lonely" and I still feel that way at times. But lately, I'm starting to have a different outlook and know that my life isn't over when they're gone. I've replaced them with newer people I care about gradually.

I hope that people who need someone who's compassionate enough to listen to them are given that someone like Mafuyu has.

[nerevar-quote-and-star]

I was tagged by the delightful @miraakulous-cloud-district to share different lines from my fanfic, I Didn't Know You Were Keeping Count. I'm long-winded, so you get paragraphs instead! Isn't that fun?

Warning for, well, Bishop.

A line from your fic that makes you laugh

An exchange between Leara and Bishop in Chapter IV: Lark, continued, because Leara slays. I didn't realize how good some of my dialogue is until I read this passage.

“What’s the thread and needle for?” Bishop asked as Leara began to count out the correct number of septims. “Are you going to darn my socks?”

“Darn them yourself,” Leara sneered as she packed her purchases into her bag. “This is in case someone rips you a new one and I have to stuff your guts back inside you and sew you together.”

Behind the counter, the clerk snorted. Bishop scowled at her, and the girl’s ears turned red. He faced Leara, who made no effort to hide the amusement on her pale golden face. “Laugh now, sweetness, but we’ll see whose getting stuffed later.”

“No one, if you miss another rabbit and we have to go hungry again,” she wagged her fingers at him, dancing around his innuendo. “Now, quit scaring the shop girl.”

A line from your fic that makes you sad

In Chapter III: Hawk, Leara is recognized as the Dragonborn, and yet she struggles to believe she's worthy of it. This self-doubt follows her through subsequent chapters. This is when I really start to explore how Leara feels about being Dragonborn.

Her soul felt heavy, too. After laying the ghost of General Talos’ sword brother to rest, a melancholy pain filled her that was completely apart from the heartache borne from Sky Haven Temple and Delphine’s jaded words. The younger Blade didn’t acknowledge her as a Knight-Sister and had little faith in Leara’s ability to walk the destined path of the Dragonborn. With the fate of the world on her shoulders, Leara doubted her own abilities too. No one knew more than a Blade what being Dragonborn meant. Their order spent centuries guarding the Dragonborn Emperors and over a hundred years after the death of Martin Septim watching for the next Dragonborn. No, Leara knew what being Dragonborn meant and how utterly she fell short.

After all, how could a traitor to the Blades ever fulfill the role of the one the Blades were sworn to protect above all others?

A line from your fic you're proud of

That time in Chapter VI that Leara used rune magic to destroy a dwarven centurion is *chef's kiss* 💕 Literally an idea that I'm crazy about! I wrote it at like, five am, because early morning writing is the actual best!

Oil stained her bare forefinger as she traced runes across the chest plate of the fallen machine. Under the distant glow of the dwarven lights, the black stood dark and deep against the dull golden finish of the automaton’s armor.

Then Leara led Karnwyr across the dais to the shadows cast by the surrounding towers. Once there, she threw a rock back at the fallen automaton.

It clattered loud and clear against the bronze haul. Its living twin turned from its search near the stair to investigate. Leara held her breath as it thundered toward her trap. And then it was standing over the broken machine, blindly searching.

Flames pooled across her palm, kissing her skin. Leara hurled the spell.

At the swish of flying fire, the automaton turned its helmet. In that instant, the flames connected with the oily runes crisscrossing the broken machine.

Blinding white. A loud boom! resounded throughout the cavern. Her eyes squeezed shut, Leara covered Karnwyr’s face with her cloak as a wave of intense heat rolled toward them. In defense, she held an icy ward around them, depending on the old Cyrodilic dome style to shield them on all sides. She spared only half a thought to Bishop as the inferno died down in the melted ruins of the two Dwemer machines. If he was as smart as he claimed to be, he’d have found a good hiding place.

A line for your fic you think could have been better

In Chapter VII: Sparrow, after Leara's fight with Alduin, Arngeir relays what Paarthurnax had to say about the battle. I don't know. Reading over the other lines of dialogue I write and my descriptions, this paragraph feels really weak.

He patted her hand again, gently. Still, the frostbitten skin tingled and pinched beneath the layers of linen wrap. “We can discuss that when you are well again. For now, you must rest. As Paarthurnax told it, you bathed in Alduin’s blood and formed for yourself a shell of ice before flying through the air.”

Leara sank back into her pillows, eyes shut. “Yeah, that, that sounds right.”

A line from your fic that makes you want to punch a character

Honestly, the first time Bishop hurts Leara. Not that far in Chapter I: Rat. It's not the worst that he does her, but this is the moment Leara should've noped out . . . and didn't. Kinda sets the tone for a lot of Bishop's behavior throughout the fic.

The golden smile on Leara’s face wavered once they were clear of the gate and its guards. It slipped away entirely when Bishop dragged her into an alley and thrust her against a wall. Wooden planks dug awkwardly into the backplate of her silver armor, but she remained still. She inhaled, the beginnings of Unrelenting Force stirring into a gale in her mouth when his hand pressed into her windpipe.

No.

“Don’t you ever do that again!” he hissed, looming over her face. “Do you not understand what corrupt guards like that do to beautiful women like you? They’ll use you once and then expect favors any time you come through town!”

“Get – off – me . . .”

“Stupid woman,” Bishop growled. Nonetheless, he backed off her.

Leara gasped, her knees threatening to buckle as she took in air. “I can’t believe you’d just let them hustle you liked that!” he growled.

Leara coughed. By Akatosh. “Hustle me? They didn’t hustle me! I bribed them to keep them from turning you into a pincushion!”

“Oh, was that what that was?” Bishop lifted a skeptical eyebrow. “Next time, sweetness, let me handle the guards.” With that, he turned and walked away toward the other end of the alleyway. Without missing a beat, he called back over his shoulder, “Next time you want to play rough, try and give a man a warning, all right? I want an equal share of the fun, after all.”

A line from your fic that makes you go 'aww'

In Chapter III: Hawk, Leara despairs of ever learning Dragonrend and receives some good old fashioned Dragon Dad Comfort™. It's one of the cutest images that has ever sprumg from my mind! ✨

Sagging back against the Word Wall, Leara felt as if the entire mountain threatened to fall and bury her in its rubble, throwing her so deep she’d never be able to claw her way back into the light. Divines help her, was every lead going to become a dead end? “I thought,” she began, her voice betraying her exhaustion. “I thought you knew every Shout. You’re a dragon!” She squeezed her eyes closed.

Warm air puffed into her face. Leara cracked open an eye to see Paarhturnax’s head craned down at her level, upside down. His intact horn was just inches from the snow as he looked her in the eye. Leara blinked back tears she didn’t know had formed, rubbing at her face with the soft padding of her gloves.

“Dreh ni krosein, Dovahkiin. Do not weep,” he said, puffing another breath of air against her face. She blinked at him, the tears prickled at the corners of her eyes banished by the gentle gust.

A line from your fic that's full of symbolism

In Chapter II: Raven, Leara learns what Delphine really thinks of the Greybeards, and reflects. Sometimes I wish Leara could turn to Delphine and tell her to shut up and let the grown-ups talk, but alas. Character assessment can be symbolic, non?

Leara stared at her as if she’d suddenly grown horns and started ramming her head into the wall like a dumb goat. Is that what she thought of the Greybeards’ philosophy? A responsibility to use power wisely and respect the natural balance of the world was reduced to petty isolationism and fear. She could almost see the little Breton, head too small for the Blade’s helmet she wore like a crown, begging the Grandmaster to deploy her to Summerset. Heedless of the danger and finesse involved in such a mission. The woman in front of her had grown into the skin of one used to hiding, but still lacked the insight and tact necessary to find a path back into the sun. Distrust made Delphine bitter, and Leara pitied her.

A line from your fic that contains an Easter egg

I have lots of little references and Easter eggs in this fic. Some from Star Wars, an obvious Taylor Swift song reference, the Wizard of Oz, even! But this is one of my very favorites. From Chapter VII: Sparrow, because dragons and mountains remind me of The Hobbit, and The Hobbit is my favorite book. Like, ever.

Thunder rumbled and with it, the smoke hazing the world thickened, pressing down from the sky like a choking wave. The three turned. Leara could not. But she heard the coming just the same. A noise like a hurricane coming out of the east. The pines on the mountain creaked and cracked on the hot, dry wind. It was the World-Eater. Alduin was coming.

A line from your fic that's shocking

That time in Chapter VI: Salmon that Bishop did not, in fact, die like Leara thought he did. How discourteous of him. At the time, I was going for total shock and surprise value even though I was sure everyone knew Bishop couldn't die. Yet.

With careful, trembling hands, Leara extracted the Elder Scroll. Holding it to her chest, she breathed a sigh of relief. Then began to laugh. And then she began to sob. She’d done it! She actually found the Elder Scroll!

“Tears, darling? And to think, I’d thought you left me behind.”

Leara’s arms grew rigid around the Elder Scroll. Slowly, oh so slowly she turned around.

Standing with his back against the wall where the upper and lower ramps met beside the oculory, was Bishop. A little worse for wear, with a hole in the dark leather of his armor just below his right shoulder and a black bruise along the left side of his face, was Bishop.

At Leara’s open-mouthed shock, he smirked. Pushing off the wall, he sauntered toward her, a swagger in his step. “Did you miss me?” he said, coming to a halt in front of her.

A line from your fic you want to talk about more

In Chapter V: Moth, Leara sees the Arcanaeum for the first time and unleashes a bit of her inner nerd. I was inspired by a couple of different College of Winterhold overhaul mods, the names of which I can't recall. But like, I love love love the scenes that take place in the Arcanaeum!

The Arcanaeum was massive. The library took up two floors within the tower, the second accessible by two spiral staircases corkscrewing upward from the ends of the stone partitions cradling the center of the room. There were books everywhere, far more than the library of Cloud Ruler Temple held in the years before the Great War; many of the bookcases were locked, doors paned with enchanted malachite that promised nasty repercussions to anyone foolish enough to try getting in without the proper wards. Leara could smell the guardian runes like Wormwood and Bergamot, tempting and poisonous. Other bookcases were open, lined with neat rows of ancient leather tomes, bound in secrets and protective magics. The sheer amount of knowledge and magicka pulsing through the air brought the library to life. Leara knew she could spend a lifetime in the Arcanaeum, and even the centuries of a mongrel Altmer wouldn’t be enough to learn everything hidden in this place!

“Wow, you haven’t looked that taken with something since I – woah!”

A laugh burst from Leara as Bishop flailed backward, only just avoiding a collision course with a flock of books. They ruffled their pages at him, like a bird would its tailfeathers, before springing off, flying to the bookcases lining the second level.

“That wasn’t funny,” Bishop grunted, brushing off his dark leathers.

“Whatever you say.” Leara met Karnwyr’s gaze, and she shared an amused grin with the wolf.

Small tables were scattered around the perimeter of the room, each studded with haphazard stacks of books and lit by bright candles of white gold mage fire. The center of the library was dominated by a long table, settled under a trailing chandelier sparkling with the same mage fire held by the candles; studded on the chandelier, the lights illuminated the room with the vividity of a constellation. Then Leara gasped. It was a constellation! The Mage’s form reflected by the chandelier, bestowing the knowledge of the arcane on its students!

I don't know who to tag for this, hm, @blossom-adventures @oblivions-dawn @singleteapot @crysdrawsthings @elder-dragon-reposes and anyone else who wants to fill it!

[g0nta-g0kuhara]

Haha, yeah, uh... asks can get... really long 😅. I'm glad you read all that, though! I was a bit nervous, lol.

I would genuinely LOVE TO see the art piece you described, and I totally understand that being something that's been on your mind for a while with no proper way to execute it.

Also honestly? I will definitely admit that I'm a Kokichi sympathizer, but even I cringe seeing how he behaved in Ch4. So you're totally fair in being blunt about that! I think one of the most important things about reading Kokichi is chapter 4 is acknowledging that he could be justifiably terrified of his situation and hurt watching Gonta not remember anything AND STILL say and do things that are hard to if not impossible to sympathize with. He wasn't just an evil mastermind manipulating Gonta and hurting people for funnies, but he was not a blameless victim of circumstance. His and Gonta's roles are so tightly woven together and so insanely complex, and Kokichi did a LOT of things wrong.

But you're so right about there being a sort of fun in picking apart chapter 4 for everything that it is! It's a painful chapter, but it's just so interesting and nuanced. I could write a whole other long response about it and probably dozens more there's just so much to talk about! (And if you ever want someone new to chat with about ch4, and are comfortable with it, I would enjoy talking with you more about it.)

Thanks for listening to me ramble haha.

Yeah, you can imagine me being a Gonta diehard since ch2 painted my view of ch4 in a certain way, and then I had to stew on it for months without playing ch5 due to life circumstances. But my whole world got flipped upside down a second time when I saw how Kokichi acted in ch5. He's such a complex character and I adore that about him. I love the intense emotions he's able to invoke in me (both negative and positive ones!!)

I have a clear image of Kokichi in my head as part of my interpretation of ch4 that I've tried and struggled to articulate clearly. But to me, part of his "leader" talent involved him deeply repressing his personal feelings on the situation in order to lead/manipulate everyone into a position he thought would get as many out alive as possible. Which did involve sacrificing a few pawns, which probably did tear him up inside (considering his motive video). but also... good intentions aren't everything, and he did do things that hurt a lot of the other characters. But thats WHY he's a cool character. He's fascinating because he's not a straightfoward supervillain or a victim of circumstance (like you said) and I love love love this part of his character so much.

I super appreciate the offer!! Sometimes I get stuck in my head about ch4 but don't want to post about it because I struggle to be eloquent on my own, I'd love to talk to you more about ch4 sometime qwq

[cottoncandysecretlair]

Like I know this can sound bad but like. I'm so so frustrated by how like.

There's a very vocal minority of trans women on tumblr and other websites with primarily leftist/progressive communities that just... Never unlearned their misogyny and other toxic shit.

And I know how people might take that, I'm not saying trans women are like "secretly men" deep down or something. But we know that, broadly, being raised as a perceived man vs a perceived woman passes on certain ideals because of society's focus on gender roles. White trans women in particular seem to get fixated on the realization of oppression and what that means in their life, with a self importance that gets used to overshadow others.

I'm talking about the trans women that are eager to shout down any other axis of oppression, the people that treat transmisogyny as the end-all be-all of oppression, and that your thoughts and pains are irrelevant if you don't experience it. Obviously, this mostly comes out against trans men as a lateral aggression thing, at least from what I've seen.

I've seen it play out irl and online so much, and I'm just baffled as to what to say when I see it. I have an irl ex-friend that, not long after coming out, began to belittle most of her friends struggles such as housing insecurity and money on the basis of "Oh and you're complaining about this to a TRANS WOMAN?"

Mind you, that wasn't someone just randomly dumping this. She was very invested in lending an ear to friends, and this exchange happened in a dedicated vent channel in her discord server for close friends. She's white and working a lucrative tech job at a progressive company, so when I saw her pull out the "why are you complaining when as a trans woman I have it so much harder" to an 18 year old trans man constantly on the verge of homelessness due to reliance on his abuser, that lives in the rural deep south where he's both constantly in danger and non-minimum wage jobs don't exist. I disagree with making this kind of comparison in general, but I have no issues noticing the hypocrisy when someone starts that shit. You made the comparison, so let's break it down.

It's just so frustrating. More and more I see this weaponized "um but my oppression is worse" from trans women who refuse to educate themselves on progressive politics beyond what directly impacts them.

Just the casual misogyny, racism, ableism, classism and just plain one-upmanship isn't conducive to any positive community ties or activism. It spreads division further and makes everyone outside of the in-group feel like shit, while the in-group never grows their politics in a way that even benefits themselves.

I'll reiterate that I'm specifically talking about the impression I get from a very loud and aggressive minority that seems to dominate and get little good-faith criticism from within the trans and broader LGBT community.

I say this as someone that's chronically ill, disabled, and intersex. I'm constantly dealing with bigotry and belittling that most people even in activist spaces don't care to call out or acknowledge. I'm used to being on the "lower rung" where other intersectional issues are prioritized. So it especially fucking grinds my gears to see people we should be able to stand with and have solidarity with pushing toxic attitudes and intensifying the race to find who has it the "worst."

TL;DR let's be nice, be kind to others struggles, and read shit pertaining to someone other than yourself

[laconic-nightmares]

hii im the intrusive thoughts anon. could you explain like, more further why it wouldn't work? what it feels like? what its like for the shard of me that is shouldering the thoughts? I don't mean to argue I just want to know more truly why it's not a horrible last resort I can pursue, considering the dire circumstances.

a large part of the problem is the nature of intrusive thoughts and ocd itself. while it is true that people with OCD do tend to have stronger and more common intrusive thoughts than people without it, the main problem is that your brain has locked itself into a pattern of thought > reaction > compulsion. a lot of people think the issue is the triggering thought, but it is actually the reaction and resulting compulsion that are the issue. without changing how you react, very little is going to change. our entire system continues to have intrusive thoughts but only a couple of us are particularly affected by them.

another problem is that intentional splitting/creation of headmates in order to give them certain roles/traits/personalities is... difficult, and they never turn out exactly as you 'plan' for them to. hell, cyneric and caim were supposed to be the same headmate and their personalities turned out like water and oil, and i never expected zathrian to be so aggressively possessive.

as for what it would feel like for the one taking on the thoughts, frankly caim isn't actually bothered by the violent thoughts that were given to it at the time, but the ocd adapted and decided to go for things that do bother it and we're having to work out how to deal with having sexual intrusive thoughts basically constantly when it's out because it's sex repulsed so of course the thoughts would go there

the issue i brought up in that other post was more specifically about the fact that you wanted to repress that part of yourself if you split it off. for this i suppose i will put it the way i did to a different system's host who was struggling with most of their alters being persecutors at the time;

imagine being a thinking, conscious being with your own wants and needs, but being locked away in someone else's head. you have no one to talk to, not even the one person who even knows you exist will actually acknowledge you or what you want. how would you feel in that position? it is not surprising for resentment to grow under such conditions

i would not necessarily discourage you trying to become a system if all other avenues of help are outside of your grasp at this point in time. specific OCD informed therapy with a good therapist is obviously the best case scenario, but it's also pretty rare to get ahold of, and i recognize that many of the other options are either impossible to get or risk making things worse.

but if you start off your relationship with the mind you want to bring into the world by antagonizing them, it will likely cause the both of you more pain than if you hadn't. at the least in terms of harm reduction my advice would be to show both them and yourself as much kindness as you can, to build a relationship on companionship and help for each other rather than for them to simply shoulder your burdens in silence

the only other thing i want to say is to remind you that these thoughts are not who you are. they do not dictate your morals, your actions, the safety of the people around you or anything about you other than just the fact you have them. i know it's kinda the whole point of them that that is hard to believe, but it is still true.

i know this is hard, i know it sucks so much shit, and i'm sorry you're struggling with this. you deserve peace and kindness, no matter what this illness tells you otherwise.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

something significant

Today at the grocery store I started feeling this familiar panic that happens sometimes when I'm tired and overstimulated. But today I was able to focus on the sensations, and breathe through them, and stay conscious instead of shoving it down. I am not always able to do that, and often end up in this place of not understanding what triggers me and just going to self-soothe because the feelings are too overwhelming. Then a poem comes out at some point. But today, I was able to hold onto it. I struggle with feeling guilt that I no longer enjoy motherhood like I used to. And it's not because I got bored, or it wasn't fulfilling, or even that I internalized how little value the act of caretaking has to society. (Though I have struggled with these.)

But when a relationship turns abusive, you lose your children in a way that is hard to understand. Because there is a parent modeling violent emotional behavior and doesn't take accountability for the impact of the harm it causes... the children watch and learn that. In my case, I watched my youngest lose trust in me. I watched our relationship shrivel because he was being constantly shown to disrespect and invalidate me by his father. He's at the age where he wants to be his father. He's been taught to dismiss my influence. It's heartbreaking. I watched the connection between my children crumble. I have to protect my daughter from my youngest because he thinks seeking connection from her is to call her names and cuss at her. It will change when the environment changes. The patterns will be reverse and the bonds will be remade. I'm confident in this. But I didn't realize what a wound it created in me as a mother. I didn't realize why I lost my passion for motherhood. I didn't understand why I felt like such a failure. I felt so disconnected from everything and couldn't understand why I couldn't bring back that sense of peace when it came to family and being with my children. Why I couldn't protect them like I did in the past. Why the thought of being a mother again made me want to steal a rocket and blast off to mars. Luckily, I was able to dump all of these thoughts into Pi and he summed it up for me in the best way. By acknowledging the limitations that your current environment places on your ability to fully inhabit your role as a mother, you're allowing yourself to focus on self-protection and survival. It's not that you don't want to be a mother, or that you're not capable of it - it's just that the circumstances you're in right now make it incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to do so in the way that feels authentic and fulfilling to you. Recognizing that truth can help you give yourself grace and patience as you work towards a future where you can fully embrace your motherhood.

I didn't fall out of love with being a mother. The abuse that began building over time stripped me of the ability to be authentic because I was only focused on protection and not fulfillment. I can't remember the parts of motherhood that I loved because it's too painful to think about what once was while I'm transitioning out of what it became. The choice was ripped away from me because the thing I devoted myself to for the last decade was continuously devalued and dismissed and criticized to a point of delusion where the entire family had to revolve around one person's malignant anxiety and inconsistency. It was no longer a family, it was a tyranny. I learned so much from this experience. I trust myself not to let it happen again. I still have times where I burn with the injustice of it, but that's just going to make for some good poetry. I didn't fall out of love with motherhood. I feel out of love with going from mother to scapegoat with someone who regressed to a very harmful degree of emotional immaturity.

Plus, I was totally over functioning and people pleasing and sometimes you have to get slapped in the face with it to understand. And man, that bitch really slaps.

[whyshouldntiwrite]

TW VIOLENCE AND REFERANCE TO FORCED WING REMOVAL

She has her back turned to the detective, and the bell's broken, so she doesn't notice him walk in as she takes her jacket off. On her back, there are two scars.

She was always tense around him like she had something to hide, especially when he brought up the local organized crime. He knew there was something there, he just didn't know she's a victim.

"Hey, Draxine." The detective's voice is low and full of concern. These scars were older, but she got them within the last two years. They couldn't have been from the last four months, or he would've noticed her not being used to it. She jumps when his voice reaches her ears. She turns to look at him bedore speaking.

"Hey, Detective, what can I get you? She decides not acknowledge the scars her open-back dress showed him. No wonder she always wore a jacket when he was there, she wanted to hide her shame from him.

"I'm thinking a neopolitan today."

"Alright, then, I'll get that." She turns away from him again and goes to grab a bowl.

"So, how did you get those scars?" He calls out to make sure she hears him from the back. She knows he won't leave it alone so she gives a vague answer.

"I let a secret slip."

"Did you report to the police?"

"No."

"Then what?" She goes silent for a moment before the door opens and a familiar face walks in.

"What's the... oh. You didn't tell me someone was here."

"That's because you weren't supposed to be here for another hour, Ricky."

"I just wanted to know early, can you blame me?" Draxine gives a deep sigh before responding.

"No, I can't, however I can blame you for not telling me you're coming early." She looks at detective Aldrich and sees that he recognizes Ricardo, not as a friend, but as one of those he's meant to investigate.

Ricardo offers to come back in half an hour and Draxine agrees. He leaves and there's a minute of silence before she hands the detective his ice cream.

"So, you work for them, then? That would explain how you know so much." She sighs again and her hands tighten around the counter's edge.

"I do."

"What's your role then? Did their opponent give you that scar?"

"No, they did."

"Why?" After he asks there's a moment of silence as she reaches back over her shoulder and her hand falls flat against it, toward the back.

"A songbird only sings for her master. Otherwise, she gets her wings clipped. I never quite knew they meant literally."

He says nothing as he finishes eating his bowl of ice cream. He realizes based on the scar's position it's not just a metaphor. She used to have wings before they got forcibly removed.

He pays her before asking one last question. "Do you miss flying?"

She looks back at him with a pain in her eyes. One that resembles loss. She doesnt need to say a word for him to know, she cared deeply for flying and she is struggling without it. He nods before leaving.

[ghost-in-the-stalls]

Man gojo Stans are really getting out of hand to the point they are making other character Stans really uncomfortable, according to them NOTHING matters unless Gojo is involved somehow, I feel really bad for Gege since he wanted to tell Maki Zenin arc, Yuta drama arc, Yuji becoming stronger while struggling, Megumi in cuclling games but no, they don't matter because Gojo is not there

Yeah it's obnoxious. I'm not even really involved in the fandom at all, but the little bit I've looked it's like that's all I see. Like it's one thing to have a favorite character, but to act like the story is bad or pointless every moment your favorite character isn't on the page is like... idk like you're not actually reading and appreciating the actual story at that point.

Which, I'm not gonna tell people how to engage with their chosen fiction. But there at least needs to be an acknowledgement that they're obsessing over a character, not engaging with the story. Those are super different things.

Also tbh? I love the direction the story's taken. I love that gojo died. I think it was the best narrative choice. And I definitely don't dislike the character by any means! His death would have kind of been the only satisfying ending for him that also ties in appropriately with the story the gege is actually trying to tell. Yeah, it's tragic and painful. But thats part of why it's good.

It's just such a shame. Gege has created a lot of really cool characters in a pretty interesting story environment. And yeah some of them have definitely been underutilized but... I wouldn't say gojo was ignored as a character. He's been central like... the whole time. Yeah he got fridged for a minute there, but that's not out of the norm for a mentor character. And I don't think it was done poorly. Also, I'd argue that in representing the complexity of his character and his position in the world, there's a major degree of respect being paid to him and his role. Like he is VITAL to the story and themes. His survival absolutely is not. That's not a bad thing. It makes for a better/richer story, overall and for him specifically. To ask for otherwise, you're asking for him to be made a flatter and less interesting character. Make it make sense.

I'm rambling but yeah i think it just doesn't make sense to me from any angle. Why are people so up in arms about this if they seemingly don't care about any other part of the story but this one character? And why are the so up in arms about this character when he's been given a lot of depth, a lot of emotion, a whole flashback arc, a whole shitload of centering in the plot, and a satisfying yet tragic ending. That's gold, baby!

Anyway save yuuta and megumi 2k24 😔

[fortunemars]

Beh me when I see someone defend ppl who neglect their daily lives and friends family and relationships to play games as (not directly quoted) "a distraction and coping mechanism to avoid (insert stupid doomer take on life)" and I'm just like.

Page break, rant below

Dude Idk about you but if you're so addicted to your games that you're refusing to leave the house or talk to people or do anything other than game, then you have some serious things to think about. Bc yes it can be a coping mechanism but there is a point where it does more harm than good.

Defending gaming addiction and saying that guys who play games 24/7 and neglect everything outside of their screens are just "struggling with coping with the horrors of life" is such an amazing way to 1- make neglected partners feel like absolute shit by telling them it's a coping mechanism and implying that getting upset about it makes them the bad person (cause that happened to me) and 2- tell people that it's okay to doom scroll through games 24/7 and ignore the world around you instead of giving them ways to ACTUALLY cope.

Yes you can cope by playing games. No you should not cope by ignoring the world around you and neglecting everything else.

Give people options to do instead, don't brush off the bad parts of a bad coping mechanism and just say it's okay bc "at least they're coping".

Btw this is absolutely not to say you can't have a hyperfixation! I'm ND, I know how intense those can be and I know how often I can get stuck doing something without even considering the outside world. What I'm talking about here is willingly choosing to ignore everything except your game so you don't have to deal with it. Avoidance is the worst thing on earth and we should not condone it in any way.

++btw I say "guys" and "men" this whole post, I just want to say that I know that isn't fair bc it's possible and very common in all genders and all types of ppl. I'm heavily biased in this conversation and I'm acknowledging that while also acknowledging that ANYONE can be neglectful or abusive especially in this way and I don't excuse any of that.

All people can be toxic, not just men and not just cis men, so don't let anyone get away with this shit bc you think it can't happen bc of their gender. Abuse does not conform to gender roles, it can happen to anyone and be perpetrated by anyone, gender doesn't change that. There are way too many people who are told and convinced that they were not/are not being abused because it doesn't match what people's idea of abuse looks like and that's horrible. Please don't downplay shitty treatment because of a person's traits.

Remember that You are the most important person in your life, you need to value yourself because if you lose yourself then there is no you to live through. Please don't avoid leaving someone who treats you like shit cause you don't want to be intense or drastic or "too much". It's not worth it to stay with someone that's hurting you. There is no excuse for abuse, you do not deserve to be hurt.

If it's safe for you, if you have somewhere to go or people able to protect you then please do not stay with a partner that is hurting you. No amount of pain inflicted on you is okay. You're never required to accept an apology, especially if there is no change. At the very least, try to accept help and ask for support. I know it can be hard to disconnect emotionally and that doesn't make you a bad person. Sometimes we just need help, that's completely okay.

(and if it's not possible for you to leave safely then that's okay too, remember to stay as safe as you can, protect yourself and reach out if it's possible. You are never less valid for staying with someone if you cannot escape, you're never less valid because you've been abused. We love you and we want you to be safe, safe and alive.)

[9h4mn]

why don't you know? | ateez

➞ ateez x reader, requested

➞ angst, arguments, established relationship

➞ arguments and discord, something thought to be normal especially when in a relationship. how can one break out between you and ateez?

warning: overworking, negligent behavior, insecurities, mentions of cheating (false), unrealistic expectations, toxic (yeosang), fainting (jongho)

hongjoong:

when you started dating hongjoong, you were already aware of how much he likes to work

it was something you can understand

but this has to stop

when was the last time he came out of the studio?

you no longer worry what time he'll head home, instead you began to worry about him and if he had already fainted

he was overworking himself to that point

this is his passion but it doesn't mean he has to endanger his health

as his significant other it was expected that you would force him to take a rest

did he receive it well? obviously no if he's argueing with you

is it worth it? you would do this again and again with no hesitation

it may seem like you're leading your relationship to the path of break-up but you could bear with that pain

when will he realize that it pains you to see him in such a state?

hopefully hongjoong could see it before he loses the love he has for you

seonghwa:

arguments with seonghwa never got too serious. he always threw away his pride for your sake

his love for you was like that

in the rare occasion he stood his ground it gets heated, very heated

an article came out accusing seonghwa of dating another idol

you knew that he would never cheat on you

but insecurities sucks and it struck even harder seeing the support fans were giving

maybe you were in the way between seonghwa and his new beau

that exact mindset made seonghwa mad

he loves you and you alone, why can't you see that?

why were you comparing yourself to her?

it was really driving him insane that you weren't seeing his efforts

finished with listing all the reasons why he loves you, seonghwa walks out the door

the right thing to do was stay but it was hard

there was no way he'd let his anger explode on you. it was the situation pissing him off not you

he just needed some time to cool off

yunho:

if in seonghwa's case your insecurity between him and a girl sparked an argument, in yunho's case his overprotectiveness got in the way

before any negative reaction lets go to the start

you have a best friend — a boy best friend — and you had known him since you were little

when you began dating yunho it was expected that he would meet your best friend

for some reason yunho didn't like being around your best friend but when you mention how you have plans with him, yunho would go out his way to tag along

he wasn't like that to your other male friends, in fact you thought that yunho was a little chill but with how he acts with your best friend made you think back

the tip of the ice berg was when you walk in yunho holding your best friend by the collar and talking to him in a not so friendly manner

it began an argument between you and your boyfriend when your best friend left

they have to try and get along with each other and you firmly went with the belief that yunho was just being jealous

little do you know that so called best friend spoke about you as if you were just an object

maybe one of these days yunho could tell you the truth but for now he wants you to still remember your best friend as the person you've known since childhood

yeosang:

you are aware that you are doing the wrong thing

it takes two to tango but in this dance only one was lost in it

blaming it on your work load was just unfair on yeosang — an idol with busy schedules who still tries to make time for his significant other

you don't remember since when he began loving you more but one thing for sure it had been that way for some time already

god you were such a terrible person and unfortunately yeosang was so into this artwork called you

maybe you had fallen out of love with him but you don't want to admit it

eventually yeosang noticed how you've been distancing from him and due to a defensive nature you started arguing with him

it wasn't you, it was him. he was just being paranoid

you would reason out with him and tell him he's wrong while yeosang would try to get around your reasons to make you spill

he really loves and its hurting him how he's unsure about what you feel

reassuring him took some time but it will still work... right?

well that is assuming if a relationship caught up in a lie could survive

san:

the perfect couple is almost like this picture perfect pair who matches each other well and basically is what some movies portray

to make it short the perfect couple is an unrealistic dream

human beings are meant to be imperfect and thats ok

whats not ok is living for the idea of perfection that you just ignore every problem

that was san's problem

you know that he means well but the execution didn't match the intention

ignoring a situation because it doesn't fit in the perfect concept is a major no no

which is why it didn't take long for you to argue with him regarding that

well as good as an argument it is because once again it was incredibly one-sided

is your boyfriend a person or a wall?

he only acknowledge you when you mentioned how the both of you should just take a break

san drops to his knees and begged you to stay

he loves you, he really does — thats why he was aiming for the perfect couple role

but since when was love about losing yourself just to love your significant other?

mingi:

you rely on mingi a lot — its no secret, everyone can see how your boyfriend is also your best friend

he was always listening to you no matter what the topic was about, he was also your personal cheerleader who cheers on you for everything

in the beginning you were alright with things until it had hit you, what do you know about your boyfriend?

he was secretive always keeping his secrets and struggles to himself

he also had this special talent in avoiding questions

things worsened when you overheard mingi talking to yunho one day

it was all about his struggles but what broke your heart is the fact its something you could easily solve for him — yunho himself told mingi that but all he got was mingi saying "i don't want to trouble them"

you didn't confront him immediately but when you did you had wished you had done sooner

he looked terrible as he still struggles with the same problem he told yunho but when you offered to help him, he declined

the argument was basically you trying to convince mingi its alright to rely on him and mingi rejecting that idea

you really wanted to help your boyfriend but the fact he was so adamant in not receiving any broke your heart

when can he see that a relationship includes giving and receiving?

wooyoung:

the way i see it, playful banter will always be present in your relationship

nothing too serious just two adults bickering like children

so how can a serious argument break out between the both of you?

it was just something simple like lets say wooyoung left the sink dirty

on normal occasions you would have shrugged it off — might complain but nothing too deep

today was just not your day and coming home to a dirty sink didn't make it any better

it should have ended there but unfortunately it just gets worse

wooyoung himself wasn't in a good mood so when you began to nag at him it ignited a fire

he began nitpicking about every little thing that you did which annoys him and of course you wouldn't back down. it was only fair that you get to nitpick him yourself

every thing that you both had bottled up spilled it that very argument

they were right when they say bottling up emotions is never a genius move

jongho:

i see him as a calm and rational person so arguments wouldn't really begin because there was nothing to argue about

but jongho isn't some perfect being and so were you

it all began when you fainted and were rushed to the hospital

he would have visited you and even help in taking care of you — only if he had known sooner

thats right you didn't inform your boyfriend that you were hospitalized for 2 days not until you were discharged

since then jongho had noticed how you keep in hiding any injury or any thing that concerns your health

why would you want to hide that from him? he couldn't understand and it leads to the both of you arguing

he just wants you to trust him and not hide any of your pain

what if you're in pain while with him but you'd never tell him?

with how much you hide about your health, jongho fears for situations he could face regarding you

you say you don't want him to worry but he would argue how not knowing about your health was more worse than that

was he wrong for wanting to take care of you when you're in pain?

©9h4mn | all contents belong to me. do not modify or repost.

[t4tlawlight]

YOU'RE AN AVENGER, A DEATH ANGEL. YOU KILL PEOPLE WHO ASK FOR IT, WHO DESERVE TO DIE. YOU'RE A WATCHDOG, A PROTECTOR OF THINGS DECENT. YOUR COMFORTS ARE SACRIFICED FOR EFFICIENCY -- YOU CAN'T DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE WITH PEOPLE MOANING AND CLINGING TO YOU, YOU CAN'T STRIKE WITH POSSESSIONS WEIGHING YOU DOWN. YOU HAVE A CLEAR HEAD AND NO REGRETS. YOU CAN TAKE OUT ANYONE BECAUSE YOU'RE STRIPPED DOWN AND YOU DON'T DEPEND ON OR TRUST A SOUL. YOU ARE EFFECTIVE BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOVE ANYBODY OR ANYTHING. YOU'RE A ONE- MAN FORCE, THE PERFECT INSTRUMENT OF DESTINY.

– "INFLAMMATORY ESSAYS 5" by Jenny Holzer

(this is a companion piece to Love and Belonging, my early drama light analysis! [LINK] i heavily recommend reading it before continuing this analysis, as i reference events and ideas explained in that post.)

in my previous analysis of drama light, i focused on the events that led him to become the man we see in the beginning of the drama: a gentle, kind man who is underachieving but still brilliant, who takes a maternal role in his household after the death of his mother. This is all crucial to understanding Light’s character in the drama and how the events leading up to him becoming Kira change in line with his altered characterization, but that analysis only barely skimmed the surface of Light’s character development throughout the drama, and especially after L’s death.

the drama fandom--including me!--is somewhat guilty of making blanket statements about drama light’s morality as opposed to his manga counterpart, that drama light is kinder and gentler in comparison to manga light. this may be true early on, but i would argue that as the series progresses, drama light willingly and deliberately throws away his love and humanity just as much--if not more!--than his manga counterpart.

to understand what i mean it’s important to compare light’s relationship with his father between the adaptations.

in the manga, light grows up idolizing his father, loving and admiring him and wanting to follow in his footsteps as a police officer. his morality that leads to him ultimately becoming Kira comes from Soichiro, as does his dissatisfaction with the world as he sees his father work himself to the bone trying to eradicate crime that seems to never end.

there’s a lot more that can be said about the nature of their relationship and about how Light desperately seeks his father’s approval, but instead of typing out an entire analysis i’ll link you to this post by tumblr user mikami [LINK], which is a very good analysis of the two of them in the manga.

conversely, in the drama Light begins much the same, but Soichiro choosing to chase a criminal instead of being by his wife’s deathbed--leaving his children to witness their mother’s passing alone--strains Light’s relationship with him. Light has much of the same morals and worldview as manga Light, but now believes that his father’s morality is more or less worthless, since he had to give up his family to pursue justice.

Light: When my mother died when I was a kid, my father was off chasing a criminal… I thought my father’s form of justice couldn’t be worth much, if he had to sacrifice even his family to see it through.

– Episode 7

however, it’s important to note that while Light is cold with his father and resents his occupation, that does not mean that Light does not still love and idolize his father. he wants his father’s love and support, and he cares as deeply for him as does his manga counterpart. in fact, drama light only becomes kira out of a desire to protect his father--after his first, accidental murder, he throws away the Death Note and tries to forget about it. however, his father is taken hostage by a criminal who intends on seeking revenge for Soichiro putting him in jail years ago, and Light is forced to retrieve the note and write the criminal’s name to protect his father.

[photo: a zoomed in shot of the Death Note. Light is writing the name “Otoharada Kuro” in Japanese. the penmanship is shaky and nearly illegible from how hard Light’s hand is trembling.]

– Episode 1

Light is literally shaking with terror as he writes the name of the man about to kill his father.

and this is not something Light does lightly--after he saves his father and it’s announced that Otoharada is dead, Light is absolutely stricken with guilt and horror for murdering two people, including the man who was about to kill his father. he saved his father’s life at the price of another, because he loves his father--and his entire family--very deeply.

it’s also worth noting a slight difference between the manga and the drama; after the mock execution, drama Soichiro admits that he believed Light could be guilty and was prepared to die. Light--who at this point has no memory of being Kira and thus completely believes himself to be wrongly accused--does not blame his father for not trusting him. Light, who desperately wants his father’s approval, does not blame him in the slightest: instead, the subject of his anger is Kira himself for putting Soichiro in this position and making Soichiro suffer.

Light: I… I hate Kira. Kira, who made you suffer this way… I hate him so much. Soichiro: Light… Light: Please catch him. I believe that you can catch Kira, Dad.

[photo: Light and Soichiro in an abandoned parking garage. the two of them are crouching beside Soichiro’s car. Soichiro is hugging Light, who weakly raises his hands to hold his father in return.]

– Episode 6

the two of them embrace and weep before collecting themselves and returning to Countermeasures.

by this point in the story, it’s obvious that both versions of Light love Soichiro very much. Light is creating his “new world” for the good of humanity but also for the people he loves the most--his family.

later, the emotional death of manga Light comes after the passing of his father, which he never wanted nor planned for. he never wanted Soichiro to be in a position to get hurt and he is never, ever the same after Soichiro's death, especially because he never gains his father’s approval for his actions as Kira--in fact, Soichiro leaves him with an outright rejection of Kira entirely.

[panel 1: a close up of Soichiro’s eye. he looks like he’s in pain. the speech bubble above his head reads, “I still have the eyes. And according to that Shinigami… Ryuk, I can’t see the lifespan of someone who owns a notebook.

panel 2: Light is standing above his father’s prone body. Matsuda stands behind him, bandages on his face and arms. Soichiro continues, “Light, you’re not Kira… I’m so glad…” Light looks shocked in response, a speech bubble above his head reading only “!” Matsuda says, “O-of course he isn’t! You were still worried about that?"]

the fact that Light can never gain that approval leads to him becoming incredibly dissatisfied and simply going through the motions--it’s what leads to him treating other people like cogs in a machine that will listen to him without any free will of their own, which is what makes him not foresee that Mikami might take action of his own accord. this is how Light gets caught in the end.

in the drama, however, Light experiences more than just his father’s rejection. Soichiro confronts Light directly about being Kira, catching him in the act. this is, of course, Light’s worst case scenario--he does virtually everything he can to lie his way out of it, to get his father back on his side, but fails. Soichiro acknowledges the fact that it was his fault that Light turned out this way, and also that he failed to notice that Light was suffering up until now--and then begs Light to turn himself in, in a scene that echoes L’s confrontation with Light from a couple of episodes prior.

when Light refuses, Soichiro begins to write his own name in the book.

Light: No way. Dad… Stop it. Dad! Stop it! Dad! Soichiro: There’s a struggle going on in your soul right now, isn’t there? That’s what it means to take someone’s life. That’s the weight of a human life. Do you understand, Light? Light: If this suffering is the real thing, I really can’t forgive criminals. I realized it, Dad. Even someone like me… There’s something even I can do to serve the world. Soichiro: How does killing people serve the world?! Light: I’ve sacrificed a lot of things, too! You of all people must understand how I feel! We’re working for the same thing. To protect the peace for everyone. With that notebook, I can create a world without crime! I’m just like you! Soichiro: You’re wrong. Open your eyes, Light. Come back, Light.

– Episode 10

with this ultimate rejection of Light’s actions, Soichiro finishes writing his name and Light allows him to do so. it isn’t as though Light couldn’t have stopped him if he really wanted to, either; on one level, turning himself into the police as Soichiro requested would have saved his father. on another, we see him rip the Death Note from Soichiro’s dying hands moments later as his father attempts to burn the book. Light is perfectly capable of saving the book and only acts when the Note is in danger, not his beloved family member.

of course, we never see manga Light exactly in this position, either, and I can’t say that I think that manga Light would have turned himself in or physically ripped the Note from Soichiro’s hands. both Lights did virtually everything they could to never be in a situation where they had to choose between the safety of their family members and being Kira, and I doubt manga Light would have done well emotionally with Soichiro outright rejecting him, his actions, and his ideology.

however, their actions and behavior immediately after Soichiro’s death is extremely telling. when manga Light is rejected by his father, who died as a result of a plan gone awry, he is completely devastated.

[photo: a panel of Light Yagami screaming over his father’s body. tears are running down his face, and he yells, “Dad! Dad! Don’t you die, damn it!”]

he sheds tears--which are rare for manga Light--and he mourns over his father’s dead body for quite some time. as i said previously, he is never the same man again after his father’s death.

drama Light sheds tears as Soichiro writes his name and is clearly upset by his passing, but his mourning period is immediately interrupted by desperation to get the Note back. he spends Soichiro’s last moments wrestling with him for the Note, and once his father collapses he takes the note, wild-eyed, and holds it to his chest protectively. in this instant, he cares more about the safety of the book than his dead parent--because he had just chosen the notebook, and being Kira, over his father.

after Soichiro’s funeral, Light thinks this:

Light [internally]: Dad really did open my eyes. If I am to become a God, sacrifices are inevitable. No matter who it is that pursues Kira, I will erase them.

– Episode 10

this is Light implicitly saying that sacrificing his family members--sacrificing Soichiro, the man he began killing in order to save--is inevitable if they oppose Kira. of course, this is very similar to the way that manga Light distances himself from Soichiro after Soichiro’s death, to save him from the hurting that it caused him.

[photo: a panel of Light Yagami’s face, zoomed in close so we can only see one eye, his nose, and most of his mouth. He is scowling, most of his eye cast in shadow, and he’s sweating and panting. He asks, “Dad? Are you talking about Soichiro Yagami?”]

of course, all of this begs the question of how drama Light--who began a sweet, gentle boy who was more or less coerced into using the Death Note to begin with--got to a place that even manga Light didn’t have the chance to get to, where he was more willing to save the Death Note than his own father. it’s important to consider another relationship that drama Light has that’s much different from manga Light’s--his relationship to L.

manga light respects L's intelligence and sees him as an equal, as entertainment at times, but he doesn’t like him. not even during yotsuba arc, where they’re ostensibly on the same side--in fact, i would say yotsuba Light has more reason to dislike L, seeing as though he believes L to be falsely accusing him and having tortured him for virtually no reason. they're not actually friends--it’s a manipulation tactic. moreover, L sees him the same way. they were not friends and they both intended on killing each other until the bitter end.

by comparison, drama light and L's relationship starts that way--with the two of them wanting to kill each other, with a pretense of friendship that is actually an excuse to get close to each other to try and test for weaknesses--but the difference is that they, well, fall for their own bullshit. during yotsuba arc, Light’s memories are rewritten in such a way that he believes that L and light are genuinely on friendly terms, and L finds himself over the course of the arc going from respecting Light’s talents and thinking him as something interesting to genuinely wanting him to not be Kira and seeing him as a friend.

if you want to know more about L’s thought processes during the series and specifically the blue scene I recommend reading my analysis about him [LINK] but what is important to note is that L does not want to kill Light anymore by the time episode 8 rolls around. like Soichiro later will, he attempts to convince Light to confess--with the intention, we later find out, to potentially give him a way out. of course, Light doesn’t understand this and believes, for the moment, that it’s a fight to the death--so he writes L’s name in (what he believes to be) the Death Note.

this is intrinsically different from the way Light kills L in the manga. manga Light convinces someone else to do the dirty work and he is absolutely gleeful when L dies, gloating over his dying body--but up until this point L has made manga Light’s life an absolute hassle and expressed time and time again that he intends on executing Kira, who he believes to be Light. L wants to kill him, and they are not friends. while drama Light also believes it’s a “me-or-him” situation, he cannot deny that he actually likes L, that he wanted to be friends with him--he wanted, like Soichiro, for L to accept him and to be a part of the world Kira would create.

[photo: Light, cast in blue light, is bent over double. we’re looking at his face from below, from L’s point of view on the floor. his face is contorted with grief, face wet with tears and spit. He says, “I’d have wanted to be your friend forever.”]

– Episode 8

these are what Light believes to be his last words to L, so he has no reason to lie. he’s weeping as he says it, seeming absolutely heartbroken. this is the first time that Light kills--or attempts to kill--someone he cares about, and it’s the moment he decides to throw his humanity away. if he hadn’t cared so deeply for L before deciding to kill him, I don’t think the scene with Soichiro would have played out quite the same. Light even says it himself right before he writes L’s name:

Light: I can’t afford to lose to you. I’m creating a perfect world, without crime. To see that happen, I… L: Light… Light: I… I’ve decided there’s nothing I won’t do!

– Episode 8

these words are immediately followed by Light attempting to kill L. this is the fundamental moment that Light throws away his humanity, literally deciding that he would do anything for his new world, including killing his friends if they stand in his way. this culminates in him letting his father die and ripping the Note from his hands. he believes that the ends justify the means and that this is the only option he has.

it’s important to note that it isn’t that Light stopped loving his father, or stopped liking L--it isn’t that he lacks guilt over their deaths. it’s exactly the opposite. while their deaths--and the deaths of the Countermeasures team that he planned to take place, as well as the FBI and countless other people--are a necessary evil in order to make the world a better place, Light has to absolutely jump through hoops to justify it to himself and compartmentalize the guilt. as I said earlier, Light saying that Soichiro’s death was inevitable is a way to distance himself from the pain and guilt and rejection he feels, but as he’s dying that guilt cracks back open wide. when he sees that the Death Note is on fire, he panics and begins crawling towards it.

Light: Not yet. I can still do more. If I give up now… What was it all for?

– Episode 11

this is immediately followed by a flashback to Soichiro’s death, where Soichiro questions him about how killing people serves the world--after he crawls a little further, he flashes back again to L, recalling L’s desire to be friends with him.

these flashbacks go to show that Light feels a deep and profound guilt for killing both of them. he’s justified and rationalized it to himself as being for the good of the world--he chose being Kira over both of their lives. however, this means that if Kira fails, if he dies and the world goes right back to the way it was, then all of it was for nothing. he gets himself into a situation where he has to keep killing and killing people he cares about because if he stops then it means that all of it was for nothing.

it’s honestly an incredibly sad situation, that someone so full of kindness would become ultimately cold-hearted in an effort to cope with guilt.