#like i get desensitized to things when im writing so it's hard to tell | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

m1ckeyb3rry · 15 days

Note

LMAOOOO yeah lowk it was still more funny than embarrassing for me catching that typo here but if I found it after I sent it to someone else I think I’d be a goner

(Also wait speaking of I forgot to mention you’re seriously a trooper for reading all of orv…I followed the comic for awhile but I have a friend whose obsessed with it and like summarized the entire novel to me in like an essay (I’m still confused as hell because I lost track of the details) but after hearing it all from them it’s truly a ride…)

NOOO I SAW!! Ofc it’s sae LMAO classic itoshi scenario…yk maybe Karasu nation will come in clutch last minute…(I’m ngl I’m kinda glad none of those characters are on there oops LMAOOO I also don’t think they’d have much to do with aiku and honestly there’s so many works of them all) Ok I still kinda feel like it’s a win tho bc Karasu and Barou in second and third???

FRRR the edits are gonna go so hard…just imagine the Barou stripping scene LMAOO (the dudebros glazing Barou are everywhere omg)

I love how “the white haired dude” is an archetype of its own it’s so funny but so real…(gotta confess Im usually in the white haired dude fan section like somehow I end up gravitating to them too)

IM CRYING THE PARENTHESES it just goes on“or fifth…sixth……15th…” LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO

I’m crying your writing has made MY standards too high but honestly so real…even seabird sae is already better than like…a good majority of the population out there this is lowk sad

LMAOAO THE SELF HELP BOOKS I see the vision the purple green was also perfect for him

OOOOH I guess we’ve just gotta see what tiktok audio pops up on your fyp LOL but I’m excited I was leaning towards chigiri or Barou I was looking cooking way more for their ideas

LOL it’s ok that Nagi requester will get Nagi content from oaeu too!! I’m actually so hyped for the series

LMAO I plugged them into a generator and got Karasu!! I guess it’s the universe telling me not to stray from Karasu nation….lowk almost forgot that he’s essentially my namesake I got too desensitized to it so the generator really said remember your origins

OHHHHHHHHHH wait that’s kinda stupid on tumblrs part wdym the creator can’t see the results unless they vote??? SHDHS thats actually so annoying your rant is so valid (also just generally feel free to go wild ranting or venting it’s all good w me) im ngl if you want the next time you make a poll i can just vote early on and keep you updated on the results if you don’t wanna have that option there for people to screw with…but BRO YUKI AND OTOYA???? I know they generally still lag behind Karasu in terms of popularity s2 please save them

LMAO nah it’s perfectly reasonable and valid like some people don’t have the brain development for proper impulse control ig like damn

Ok well in the time I was writing it ig it’s over now good for you sae fans good for you (BOOO TOMATO TOMATO /j)

- Karasu anon

HAHAH our freaks are so matched i don’t even blink at 90% of your typos we truly are the same person LMAOAO

omg i LOVEDDDD orv i read it on my phone in the summer of 2023 when i had nothing else to do and it was genuinely so so good like the novel is PEAK i never read the webcomic version because i’m attached to the translations in the novel even though they’re not “official” but genuinely the novel is probably one of if not THE best things i’ve ever read like it actually changed my brain chemistry fr (it’s a long build but the ending arc is peak fiction)

SAE WON 💔 but very proud of karasu nation and barou nation for locking in and getting them so close to sae that was def unexpected!! and yeahhh that’s the vibe i was getting too like there’s no way for them to realistically be involved w aiku so it wouldn’t make sense for them to be there PLUS i don’t like them that much so i can’t cook up an idea to involve them w aiku the way i did w nagi 😰 speaking of which i think i have the idea for yukimiya HAHA basically aiku is like “okay we’re the two oldest blue lock members let’s be best friends 😄” and yukimiya is like “thanks but i already have a bestie ☺️” and ofc aiku is like WHAT and has to do some heavy recon (he probs recruits niko too LMAO atp niko is an honorary wingman just because he’s consistently aiku’s sidekick) and that’s where he finds reader which makes be like “hold on there is definitely something romantic going on here” so he tries to get yuki and reader together in order to finally have a soccer playing bff who’s also relatively normal (@ barou)

the craziest thing abt dude bros glazing barou is that he’s physically their ideal but in every other way he is NOTHING like them!! like that man respects women, cooks and cleans, is willing to accept his mistakes and work on them, hates people who are mid…he would think they’re goofy asf 😭

KDJDKSSJ i normally don’t really go for the white haired characters but nagi is an exception…my other top favs have been eren from aot (brown hair), megumi and yuta from jjk (black hair), and shinah from yotd (blue hair??) HAHA honesty karasu and rin are very in line w the kinds of characters i typically like physically but idk smth abt nagi appeals to me the most 🙂‍↕️

FBKDDNSJSN luckily it was NOT shidou!! i’m going to repost it so i’m sure you’ll know by the time you read this but i got chigiri 🤩 which honestly i can actually see but specifically his actual canon miraverse characterization NOT his overly feminized fandom self 😭 apparently they originally thought nagi which slay but they came to the same realization i did a while ago which is that as much as i love him the two of us are too similar in some ways and too different in other ways so we would actually not work out irl 😓💔 honestly chigimira wasn’t one i was necessarily expecting but it might be what i needed (idk if i could muster up a long fic idea for chigiri…maybe?? we will see #tbd)

LMAOAAO me when a man slides into my dms but he doesn’t buy me plane tickets and an expensive sandwich 😒 abt to start telling everyone i have a bf or smth HAHA because unless a man is miraverse bllk men level he’s simply not replacing nagi or karasu or sae or whoever 🥱

HELPP i’m glad the vision comes through i rlly like this cover!! i think i’m going to put the character’s name where it said “masterlist” on the masterlist so it’s easy to tell who the individual oneshot is abt 🤩 don’t want people to start reading expecting an aiku fic (at least until the last part which actually is for aiku)

i just got a barou request HAHA so it’ll def be chigiri or MAYBE bachira depending on what i feel inspired for!! agreed it’s time to open tik tok and feel the vibes out for what i want to write next…maybe watch some edits too while i’m at it for further assistance 😏

HAHA no fr stay true to your origins…i’m going to write all of them eventually anyways so it’s not that deep but i just wanted to figure out where I should start since all of them have such good premises that i can’t decide!! rip otoya and yukimiya though…hoping s2 + oaeu converts more people 😰

for now i think it should be okay like it’s nbd since so many other people do vote as well it’s just like a personal pet peeve HFKDJDSJS we all have smth that makes us tweak i suppose…i’m just in my isagi on field era 😩 i don’t do polls that often so it shouldn’t be a huge issue but expect me to have at least a paragraph in our convos crashing out over that whenever i do end up making a poll 😭

sae nation is too strong…they’re inevitable fr KFJDKD honestly proud of karasu and reo for hanging on for a bit that’s impressive 🤩 in the end though an itoshi bro is basically a guaranteed win (unless like i said kaiser or MAYBE isagi are in the running too)

#answered asks

2 notes · View notes

moved-to-aromanticsuzuya · 1 month

Text

okay you guys convinced me to write about my memories so here it is. it's gonna be kinda messy but uhh I just need to get it off my chest

a bunch of Suzuya Juuzou nonsense under cut. it will NOT make sense I'm just writing it down before I forget. if you understand something out of it that's awesome if you don't then it's okay me neither. general CW for mentions of murder, violence, suicidal/intrusive thoughts?

first of all, I'd like to say that I regret some of my behavior. I wish I wasn't that messed up and violent and I wish I was healthier in general.

now to the actual rant, I don't even know which memories were a part of the original written down Suzuya lore in tkg, and which weren't. I can't tell. it all mixes together, because those are my experiences either way.

I don't remember a lot, but at the same time I remember so much. or rather, I KNOW so much, but I don't REMEMBER a lot. that doesn't really make sense, does it? I don't know.

I remember the academy. I was a violent teen, I was apathetic, I was unstable, yeah. for a while. but it's because I was so hurt and it was so normalized in my head. I wish it wasn't. I wish I knew other ways to show my discomfort or anger that didn't involve lashing out or punching or anything.

i tried my best to get along with the other cadets and whatever, but no matter how hard I tried they just didn't want to be anywhere near me. I guess I was too weird. I didn't really get them either, I tried to understand how their heads work and why they Care so much but I just kind of couldn't. grades and whatever it is we learned about didn't really interest me much, I was too busy zoning out and replaying unpleasant memories in my head. maybe that's why I didnt know almost anything about ghouls at 19 despite being an investigator?

as for the empathy/apathy thing, it was more complicated than that. it was all Really Really complicated and I'm STILL confused. I guess I didn't know how to cope, and I in general became so desensitized to violence and the concept of morality I just felt Nothing regarding the topic when it was brought up? other than that, it's not that I felt Nothing ALL the time, my brain just decided the trauma was too much to handle and tucked it away somewhere to never think about, and then decided that caring about other people again is a waste of time and energy and is just going to get me hurt.

for a while I didn't know what to do with myself. I just kind of followed Shinohara around and looked forward to slashing up ghouls because it was fun (but actually, it was more of an outlet for my emotions and intrusive thoughts, and all that pain and hurt I never let myself think about went into stabbing and cutting). I attended those stupid meetings and tried so hard not to fall asleep. I listened to his lectures about ghoul anatomy and physiology even though I didn't really care. I didn't really care about anything at the time, all i wanted was to curl up in the corner somewhere and cry. cry it all out. maybe go back to mama. maybe die. living was too exhausting and painful and I wanted to push everyone away

Im so mad at myself for saying I wouldn't care if something happened to Shinohara. and for being so fucking difficult to deal with in general, and for being an ungrateful little bitch. he was nothing but kind to me and I didn't know how to show my appreciation for him. It was all scary and new, I wasn't used to somebody caring so much. but I did care. I just never showed it. I'm so stupid I feel so guilty and bad and I miss him.

okay my head hurts and all of this made me really sad so I'm not going to write any more for now. good news is, Suzuya Juuzou gets Better and Grows as a person after all this and actually becomes semi normal. so I'm gonna write about that some other time and you can all tell me how proud you are of me for coming this far

#; talking #; identity #long post #cw mention of murder #<- ?#THIS IS WAY TOO LONG #trying to reread this gives me a headache #ill post it and see how long it takes for me to delete it #im not tagging this with fictkin or whatecer this is embarrassing #; memories

2 notes · View notes

burnyouwithacigarettelighter · 1 year

Note

hey!! could u give some tips for new fanfic writers who are having a hard time starting? I think ur writing is AMAZING and aspire to write as well as you!! thanks!! <3

omg of course!! ive been writing fanfiction for a while now (mostly gen!fics, honestly, and not even reader inserts😭) and i found that these things have kinda worked best for me:

1. go back to the source material

if i’m writing a fanfic thats based on a book, and it’s canon compliant, i like to search up ‘(name of book): timeline’ or if its a movie/show, i go to the wiki page and read the summaries. it just helps to keep yourself accurate. this also works for writing how a character acts/talks, like, i think ive watched about a dozen clips of sunburn (because im too lazy to watch the movie again hehe) trying to replicate davin mcderby’s cheeky personality and dublin accent!

2. read other peoples work!

this is more of a personal preference but reading other people’s fics gets my inspiration going (this is definitely because their work was so amazing)!!! it helps for me to nail down a specific tone of voice too, seeing how other’s characterize who i’m writing about/for.

3. desensitize yourself :p

by desensitizing yourself i mean it in relation to writing smut. for me reading smut is way easier than writing it LMAO when i first started writing smut (which, was like a month ago so bare w/me and take this advice w/a grain of salt😭) i had to physically get up and walk around after a few sentences. so spend some time saying all the dirty shit like “he pried my lips open with the tip of his cock”— stuff like that LOL. if you do cringe like i did, just keep going: it gets better with time. it probably helps if you’re not a virgin but i very much am☠️

4. try different pov’s!

i used to write in the 3rd person pov for reader-inserts, which is great, but i find that writing in 2nd person is much more… personal (can u tell im not eloquent at all outside of fanfiction lmao). find what works best for u, be it 1st, 2nd, or 3rd! it helps to stretch those writing muscles of yours too hehe.

5. finally, when it comes to length, motivation or ideas, do what feels best for u!

if u think it’s better to end that oneshot with a couple thousand words or a couple hundred, do it. if u dont wanna write today, dont! if u want to write some wild crazy shit, do it!!! its YOUR writing and u should trust urself:) u defo know urself better than tumblr randos anyway LMAO

thank you so much for reading my work and for your praise! im actually blushing hella rn i cant believe im getting asked for writing tips. ME, just some cillian murphy addict😭 thank u again for reading!

(bonus: if you dont think u can flesh an idea out as well as you think, write it, then move on before posting it for all to see. maybe post your other works, stuff you that’s all good and neatly polished, then come back to that first idea with fresh eyes!)

#long post #burnyouwithacigarettelighter

11 notes · View notes

crappymixtape · 7 months

Note

sorry u don't have to post this

But its so fucking stupid people keep bringing up the same shit- ESPECIALLY people trying to tie it to what is going on on Gaza WHEN LITERALLY WHATEVER HAPPENED BETWEEN EM AND AUTUMN HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT

Like im sure both people had distress and were upset about what happened but let's NOT try to act like it is on the same level as a literal genocide

Also yall dont owe us anything. You can share on her or not (while obv i would want u to share denouncing the "war" i am not going to jump down your throat because my friend runs solely a fanfic blog and shares that...little weird and desensitized to see smut after smut then war then smut again. Some people use this to escape reality and yes that is privileged of us but also we have 0 clue what is going on in your personal life etc)

Like...people complain the fandom is dying and are pointing fingers when three are pointing back at themselves like ????????

Anyways love u if u have a way to tell Emmy we care pls do.

abso-fucking-lutely, nonny ( WARNING: i get political and shit up in this, so avoid if you don't have the space )

there is so much happening in the world right now and at the end of the day it's so disheartening and discouraging ( especially for me as a mom ) – idk about you but i NEED this place. i NEED this outlet. somewhere i can try and find joy to refill my cup so i can keep fighting against all this bullshit. so i can recharge and get back out to push for equality and the right to live and against genoc!de and racism and capitalist dicks and the future of this planet and god dammit even just writing that is SO heavy.

so why do we come here and hate on each other for trivial things? why do we come here and pile more shit onto plates that are already full? why are we putting so much energy and effort into pulling each other down when we could be lifting each other up? when even just that small act of support ( or just shutting tf up! ) can make things better or at least not make them worse?

i recognize my privilege and understand opportunities that i have are not accessible to everyone and i work really hard to democratize those opportunities. i work hard to undo my bias, to unlearn, to get comfortable with the uncomfortable and i'd be down to have those conversations with people! but not on anon. and not in an aggressive shitty matter. come to me human-to-human and TALK TO ME. it's how we make progress, it's how we learn from each other. it's how we widen our POV and change our opinions and grow, but doing it with malice and anger is NOT it.

i just truly don't understand. we all have ONE life. why would we spend it filling it with hate and vitriol? it's just not worth it. and i don't have the patience or the time to deal with bullshit. there are bigger things i aspire to, bigger causes that need my energy and commitment and if you're not down or you're on a vendetta to ruin someone's life ( or tumblr rep i guess?? ) then i think you should just go.

this place allows people to keep pursuing something outside of what they're swimming ( or honestly sometimes drowning ) in. it gives us, gives me, the boost to keep fighting the good fight so don't drag us into it.

the ST fandom might feel like it's dying, but there are still some incredible writers on here who share the love and true sentiment of the characters we love so much. as long as i'm here i'll always bring life to steve and eddie. don't let shitty people take it from you. tumblr or not those characters and the way they make you feel will always be yours.

and of course i'll tell emmy, babe ♥️♥️

#asks #my asks #nonny <333

0 notes

shotorozu · 4 years

Note

OKOK I WAS READING THESE HQ THREADS THEN I SAW IT ON TIKTOK (IF THAT MAKES SENSE) Basically you ask ur bf for these feminine products that don’t exist (ex: coochie cleaner 3000) IM SORRY LMFAOO I WAS WONDERING IF U CAN DO BAKUGOU,SHINSO AND A CHARACTER OF UR CHOICE,HERES THE TT DONT MIND MY PROFILE THAT WILL MOST LIKELY SHOW UP IF U COPY N PASTE THE LINK https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMe6U22uM/

getting non-existent feminine products

(tiktok prank)

character(s) : amajiki tamaki, bakugou katsuki, shinsou hitoshi (bnha)

legend : [Y/N = your name] afab! reader, but they/them pronouns used, quirk not mentioned

headcanon type : crack, fluff (x reader)

note(s) : i choose tamaki because i’ve been lacking with him lately but NWNDNWKX please this trend is so funny 💀

»»————-　♡　————-««

amajiki tamaki

the fact that he even has to get you feminine products was enough to make him blush

yeah, even though he had to get you feminine products in the past— he’s still quite shy about getting them in the grocery store (it’s the stares, not the concept)

WHAT MORE WHEN YOU DECIDED TO PRANK HIM?? poor tamaki

“tamaki, could you buy me more feminine products?” and he stops in his tracks, and a blush spreads on his cheeks “s-sure. what do you want me to get?”

“cooch pouch version 2.”

he blinks, and it looks like he has to pass out, “c-come again?”

“cooch pouch version 2. it’s in purple and pink packaging, tama!” the fact that you’re not even the slightest bit of embarrassed, makes him shake.

“okay, bunny. just stay here.” he sighs, and gets out of the car— and that’s when tamaki set off to get you ‘cooch pouch version 2’

he was looking around the feminine product isle, and he was literally about to ditch everything, run back to the car and cry himself to sleep, when he couldn’t find ‘cooch pouch version 2’

“may i help you, sir?” an employee finally decides to offer their services, when they noticed that tamaki was stuck in the isle for quite sometime.

okay tamaki. you’re a part of UA’s big three. there’s no need to be nervous because of this. he reassured himself first, before asking “d-do you have c-cooch pouch version 2?”

the employee blinks, “uh. cooch pouch version 2?” they ask again, and tamaki— very reluctantly, nods.

the walk back to the car felt shameful. “so? did you find it?” you discreetly film his reaction, and he shakes his head, absolutely mortified

“they,, didn’t have it.” tamaki whispers, a very aggressive blush on his face was evident. “i’m so sorry, bunny. they were nice, and i really tried—”

you just laugh. “no, it’s okay tamaki. you don’t have to look anymore.” you reassure him, patting him on the shoulder

you had to reassure him on your way back home 💀 he was just so mortified. you just agree to yourself that you’re never going to do that again

but on the brighter side, the tiktok did well, gathering 800k likes and 2.5M views. the comments were laughing at him, but they also felt REALLY bad

bakugou katsuki

katsuki’s already your errand boy, when it came to feminine products. he’s practically desensitized to it. even though he acts like he’s so annoyed by it

he’s so confused when he hears ‘super jumbo tampon deluxe; ribboned edition.’ and he’d like to say that he isn’t judging you

but he is, and it’s hard. “the hell’s that?? what are you even putting down there??” and you chuckle at his reaction

“don’t tell me you’re wussing out— on feminine products,” you tease, and he knows that. but he still rolls his eyes

“shut up. i’ll go get them, you’ll see.” he claims, opening the car door and marching off the to store

when he enters the feminine products section, he practically scans every single row for the packaging that has super jumbo tampon deluxe; ribboned edition on it’s front

but then there’s none. so then, that’s when his ruby red irises scan again, and again.

and of course, katsuki radiates intimidating energy— so no one dared on asking him what he was looking for especially in the feminine products section

katsuki— wanting to find the product, hesitates on asking for help, but he does anyway.

the employees blink, but they don’t want to question his motives— the expression on his face was enough to make them search the entire isle

afterwards, katsuki angrily marches back to the car— a slight blush showcased on his cheeks, most likely coming from shame

“so?” you have your phone in one hand, but it’s not very obvious that you’re filming him. “did you get it?”

“you.” he opens the car door, and slides right in, “you. humiliated. me.”

you laugh at his expression, “so i’m guessing that’s a no?”

“DUMBASS, SUPER JUMBO TAMPON DELUXE; RIBBONED EDITION DOESN’T EVEN EXIST. I LOOKED LIKE A FOOL.” he exclaims, irritated and humiliated by the entire encounter

and when you revealed that it was a prank, he,, wasn’t very pleased.

katsuki takes away your kissing privileges, and he’s in a rather silent mood for the rest of the day— but he says he’ll forget about it, if you’ll cook him dinner

you posted the tiktok after you got home, and everyone just assumed you passed away in the hands of your boyfriend 💀 at least you’re tiktok famous now

shinsou hitoshi

again, also very desensitized to the idea of getting you feminine products— since, it’s not something that you can CONTROL freely

and he’s not in the right place to judge you anyway

he won’t make a big deal out of it, hitoshi will just get your products, and then camouflage it with things from the snack isle

so, hitoshi’s questioning you— when you asked him to buy ‘urethra padding cleanser’ since he’s also familiar with the feminine products isle

he wasn’t aware on what THAT even was, it’s pretty obvious— due to the fact that his eyes were wide like saucers.

“kitten, do you need to go to the doctor?” he asks— he’s half joking, but he’s also half serious because wtf is a urethra padding cleanser??

“no,” you shake your head, “you said you wouldn’t judge.” you fein being bashful, and this seems enough to trick him

“right, sorry kitten. it’s just very concerning that you’d need something like that”

you blink, and he raises his hands up in defeat “i’ll,, try to find it.” even though he isn’t very convinced that he’d find it

he enters the isle, and he scans every single row— and to no one’s surprise, he can’t find it

hitoshi decides to look around again, and when he turns around— there’s a clerk there, smiling at him, and also at his assistance

“hello! do you need help in finding something?”

thank you, store employee. he’s glad he doesn’t have to ask “i,, guess you could say that. uh, does this store have a ‘urethra padding cleanser’?”

the store clerk looks at him like he’s gone mad. “uh,” they look through the isle once again, “i’ll be right back, we’ll need some assistance.”

it doesn’t take long for him to realize that ‘urethra padding cleanser’ doesn’t. even. exist.

he decides that it’s probably best for him to buy some snacks— because leaving the store empty handed feels weird to him.

the tall man apologizes to the staff as he leaves, and the walk back to the car is basically one long walk of shame

“it doesn’t exist,” hitoshi’s quick to say, placing the snacks in your lap— “urethra padding cleanser doesn’t exist. i should’ve trusted my gut.”

you snicker, and you’re glad that you’re filming his reaction— because the look on his face is just priceless. “did you ask for help?”

“i did, actually. they looked at me like i was on some weird shit,” he turns his head, and he’s now facing you “i’m never doing that again.” even though he actually goes back your next cycle, and gets you everything

when you finished recording the tiktok— and also when you revealed that it was all a prank, hitoshi looks SO done

“who would’ve guessed,” he sighs, laying his head on your shoulder “you got there, Y/N. i’ll give you that.” and you’re lowkey lucky that he loves you a lot to not even care 💀

you upload the tiktok in the following hours, and it does great. the comments were mostly laughing at his reaction at the end and they were also sympathetic for him

it somehow managed to get to kaminari’s fyp— considering that he sent you a video of him laughing hysterically the tiktok 🗿

needless to say, hitoshi will ask you if it IS a real product, the next time you make him buy products with,, weird and questionable names

»»————-　♡　————-««

likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading!

i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei, i only own the writing and i do not profit off of my hobby

do not plagiarize, reupload, translate, or use my works for audio readings without permission

619 notes · View notes

widowswineapologist · 3 years

Note

I'm loving these headcanons about Ultimis Tank bc you write them so well <3 What would it be like trying to have a movie night in together (making Jiffy Pop together, blankets, cuddling etc.)? My favorite movie is Die Hard which I know would be his favorite too, but I don't think Mr. Stronk Man can handle my taste in scary movies (think TCM2 or Silence of the Lambs)

a/n: AA THANK U!! also im sorry im so uncultured i don't think I've even watched half of those movies- also modern au bc i said so

- OH BOY.

- I think movie night would be kind of spontaneous, on Dempsey's part. He'd randomly show up at your place with bags full of snacks and tell you to turn your favorite movie on. The only warning you get beforehand is a text from him saying he's coming over.

- Personally I believe he is a slut for horror movies, but specifically movies that actually scare him, because he likes the adrenaline rush. He also enjoys action movies and comedies.

- (He's probably a major Marvel fan, if you spoil anything he will ghost you for a week.)

- Movies that actually scare him would focus on paranormal stuff. Think like the Conjuring movies. Yeah, they're kind of bad (well, really bad), but he's a lot more afraid of things he can't actually stand against. He's also a little desensitized to gore but please for the love of god don't show him anything involving eyes or broken ankles, he will lose his shit.

- That aside, I think movie night with him would be more like "Dempsey talking your ear off while you try to watch the movie" night.

- NO SERIOUSLY HE MAKES ME THINK OF MY MOM AND HOW WHENEVER SHE WOULD TAKE US TO THE MOVIE THEATER SHE'D BE TALKING THE ENTIRE TIME. (it was funny though the audience would usually laugh at her antics)

- Movie Critic Dempsey Time™ he absolutely will rip movies apart if he thinks they're stupid. (If you like them he'll keep his mouth shut but he'll occasionally poke fun at it because he thinks you look cute when you pout.)

- I think he'd let you lay on his chest while watching movies tbh. He has those kind of vibes. Just lazily drapes his arms around you while you lay there. You can hear his heartbeat and he can practically talk in your ear now but he doesn't notice unless you say anything. And if you do, he will definitely take advantage of it. (Sir please stop whispering in my ear this is movie night not netflix and chill)

- It's fun until one of y'all needs to go to the bathroom 💀

- Bonus shenanigans: please get microwaveable popcorn this motherfucker will destroy your entire kitchen trying to use the stove, sometimes when he's feeling particularly devious he will cover your eyes when an inappropriate scene comes on because he thinks its funny, please consider getting drunk and watching horton hears a who with him it would be fucking hysterical, dempsey highkey kins cinema sins, everytime a movie scares him and you poke fun at it he'll respond saying it's "still not as scary as the video of richtofen's birth" SOBS, DEMPSEY WOULD LOVE DEADPOOL I JUST KNOW IT

#cod zombies #tank dempsey #tank dempsey x reader

21 notes · View notes

pettyprocrastination · 4 years

Text

Introductions Hc for Catfish x CamGirl!Reader

Just some basic hc on how you two met. Also yes the cam girl in this is a goth babe because I love goth women so so much.

Warnings: uhhh poor descriptions of light smut?? sex work. We support sex workers in this house baby!!! Also sweet sweet frankie who we all need a hug from during these trying times.

Taglist: @cinewhore i honestly can’t remember who’s on my perm tag list im gonna have to do a post for that as well fuck SORRY

I actually had a lot of fun writing these so if you want to know more about frankie and BB (which will be her nickname for now) please hmu!!!

You and frankie don’t meet in person at first. He meets you through your (side)job, Which is doing online shows using (insert obligatory porn site here or onlyfans idk)

It’s late at night, frankie is home alone and scrolling through a site using the incognito mode on his phone. Nothing is doing it for him that night. Not that he’s particularly desensitized to sex, no. It’s quite the opposite. He’s so sick and tired of seeing the words “stepdaddy” and “unsuspecting” in the same sentence so many times it’s causing him to lose not only his hard-on but also his faith in humanity.

He sees the option for live shows, thinks about it for a moment before saying fuck it why not and clicking the link that brings him to a page with photos covers of multiple scantily clad (if covered at all) women that were live.

His own username was something simple, nothing with his name or nickname. Just Pilot368, because lord knows he wasn’t about to be one of the studs who had usernames like Pussydestroyer or CockKing6000.

He’d never watched live shows before, that brought a different element into it all. The sort of...welcomed voyeurism that he wasn’t sure how he felt about. Maybe he was overthinking it all, or maybe it just wasn’t his cup of tea until you showed up just under a girl wearing a pink dog collar.

You were….not his usual tastes, to put it simply.

The picture promoting your page was you sitting in a lacy black set up, thin lace frills framing your soft thighs and the slope of your breasts. You sat with your legs spread and tongue slipping past your black-painted lips. Between your legs sat a (he was assuming fake) skull that you held with curled fingers.

Your Username was 🖤🦇BabyBat🦇🖤and frankie felt like a pervert for the way his cock throbbed.

But he was alone, and he was horny. So he swallowed that self-loathing if only long enough for him to wrap his hand around his cock while your stream played.

He thought you were pretty in the picture, but on live video? Watching you move yourself up and down on a toy while throwing your head back with breathless little whimpers and moans? Oh he’s a dead man.

Comments came in a steady stream, many of which were calling you derogatory terms or telling you to move a certain way and some even suggested you alter certain things about your body.

The first time he himself commented he over analyzed it for about five minutes. He didn’t want to say anything too lewd, even as you fucked yourself on a toy right before his eyes, he didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or insecure. So, God bless his heart, frankie left a comment on a live video of you literally fucking yourself about how he thought your tattoo was “very cool.”

The moment he pressed enter he immediately wanted to shoot himself. “Very cool”? THAT’S the best he could come up with? He could just hear pope flaming his ass for it.

But he saw your face as you read the comment, and the smile that grew at it.

You laughed, one that reached your eyes and made frankie feel filthy about stroking his cock to it. “Oh thank you!” You let one hand trail down your stomach until your fingers found your clit and you arched your back, taking your bottom lip between your teeth as you looked at the camera.

“You're too sweet to me honey.”

Maybe it was the slight shake in your thighs as you rode the toy, or the way you never look away from the camera, and in turn from him, or maybe the way your voice, rich and dark and smooth, would raise into a little whine as you neared your end, but it pushed him over the edge, falling into hot waves of pleasure that ebbed and flowed as he came into his fist and imagined that it was you.

The moment he sobered up, and realized it wasn’t in fact you, but he was simply alone in his room, late at night, he huffed.

Boy, he really is a charmer.

Frankie made haste to clean himself up and exit the browser without a second thought before trudging into bed and letting his eyes shut. When he woke up your moans echoed in his head while he made coffee. The sight of your soft, bare chest flashed in his mind while he had a pleasant conversation with the mailman about how the weather had been sweltering all week. The image of your sweet smile at his words played through his head all day at work like a sick taunt.

That night after dinner he lays in bed, scrolling through page after page of results on his phone in frustration because he can’t remember your goddamn username.

It’s almost an hour of searching when he almost gives up because now the search is just getting a little sad.

It shouldn’t matter that much to him. You're just a cam girl. Not somebody he knew personally, not a lover or a girlfriend. He’s about to close out when he sees your username and doesn’t think before he clicks on it.

Your shirt is pushed up your chest and your hand is sliding under the elastic band of your panties when you see his username pop up and you smile.

“Happy to see you back flyboy! I was starting to miss you.”

Frankie swears he won’t make a habit of watching you, but he breaks that promise when he clicks the follow button before falling asleep.

#frankie morales #frankie morales x reader #catfish x reader #catfish morales #francisco morales x reader #francisco morales #triple frontier #pedro pascal characters #x reader #imagine #Frankie & BB

583 notes · View notes

industriallyinsecure · 3 years

Note

I know these men are desensitized to gore and death (btw the torture scene was so intense! I can't imagine how hard it has been to write so let me biw in respect for managing that!) But why would Illuso, Formaggio and Prosciutto be such asses towards the object of their obsession when they can't deal with their boyfriends teeth/death?! (I love how you portray them! I'm just wondering what their thought process was when acting like that :D)

Short answer? They can’t help it

Long answer? Prosciutto’s reason is different from Formaggio’s and Illuso’s. Form and Lu are very desensitized and have different ways of coping (see: Formaggio joking about Polpo being cremated). Illuso is also a recluse and has been removed from society for a very long time, so he doesn’t really have good social awareness. He also has a god complex yet has low self esteem but that’s a different issue for a different day. Form deals with things by joking and trying to make it seem less bad than it actually is. He’s a himbo, he knows not what he does :(

Prosciutto on the other hand would treat anyone like that regardless of his attraction/relationship. There’s no reason to prolong the grieving process, so what’s the point in being stuck in the past? He gets brownie points for telling Ghia off when he was pestering them, but quickly loses them because he’s too abrasive, but he knows this. He’s self aware enough to know that his way of handling things is not for everyone, but it doesn’t stop him

As for the torture scene, that was actually my first time writing gore! It was something else entirely that I wrote to get into the yandere mindset of our boys, but I decided to include it because, hey, it fit. The teeth thing was sort of inspired by that one scene from You (good show btw) and the fact that mafiosi will remove teeth to prevent dental identification. And I hope this doesn’t sound creepy or like I’m full of myself, but it’s easy for me to separate fictional gore from real gore. Stuff like Mortal Kombat doesn’t bother me because I know it’s fake, but Resident Evil and some television shows freak me out because it’s so *real*. Writing it was sort of okay because at the time it was just words and a vague outline of what they meant, but rereading it just now where I’m actually vividly visualizing it is very difficult to get through.

AND AAA IM ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT HOW I PORTRAY THEM SO TY :,)))

#hey neighbor

15 notes · View notes

tigerdrop · 4 years

Note

king u gonna elaborate on virgin benrey

listen i have kiryu “is 100% a virgin at the ripe old age of 37, and this is appealing to me instead of fucking hilarious″ kazuma disease and it has followed me here. also this kind of branches into a completely different kink at the end b/c i am diseased

so you know how i write "obviously fucks good and hard all the time" benrey. well........you know.......like..........what if......................he didnt. what if he was. what if he had never fucked before in his life and his incessant flirting finally works and hes like "i did not expect to get this far."

envision, if u will, the delightful awkwardness of virgin benrey + "has never had sex with a dude before" gordon

ive definitely brought up the possibilities of gordon going all science-brain on null benrey before but i think it works just as well on virgin benrey too. its a learning experience for both of them and if theres one thing gordons good at, its research. and gordon probably gets way too up in his own head about making sure he does this shit right and spends a lot of sleepless nights googling "how to have sex with dudes" and, you know, researching,

if benreys not the one fucking babying him thru his first gay experiences he is probably going to bungle it so fucking badly and i think it would be really funny

alternatively please consider gordon being so fucking neurotic about benrey never having done this shit before that he avoids the subject as hard as possible, thinking that hes gonna dick it up hardcore, but the whole time benreys just thinking "bro i havent had my dick touched in [however long hes been alive]. come on". the tension

furiously making out with him behind a fucking crate in black mesa and then realizing this is Going Places and gordons voice breaks as he says, way too loud, "I GOTTA UHHH GO RELOAD MY SMG. RIGHT NOW"

you think gordon is touch starved ? no. Hell with this

Im just tsying theres no evidence hes been touched at all by another human being in his life before this. if hes video game in real he benrey noclip out of being touched

what if he like, chooses not to noclip/not feel....ON that time gordon catches him. just cuz hes curious, a gay impulse. or maybe hes so surprised (and gay) he forgets to avoid it

and oh, to be in gordon freeman's gentle grasp. makes him into an unholy annoyance of awkward gayness for the rest of the series

YEAS.......also he has definitely thought hard about sucking gordons dick but doesnt actually have any idea how he would go about it. hes just heard its cool

giddy thinking about the scenario where its actually benrey whos terrible at sucking dick b/c hes never done it before and gordon who actually does suck dick like a champ

i know that this is literally the plot of the very first serious nsfw fic in this fandom but still. virgin beney. benrey getting sucked off for the first time in his entire life and shaking like a fucking leaf......

Power trip of Gordon realizing this guy whose been hitting on him the whole time has no idea what to actually do

Gordon Freeman Gives Benrey A Prostate Exam

its a joke but its not a joke. virgin benrey being vaguely aware that being fucked by gordon freeman would be cool, in theory, but not fully conceptualizing of how you actually get a dick in your ass until gordons like "what?? no, dude, you cant just stick it in there" and gives him a demonstration and thats how benrey discovers he has a prostate

benrey like "idgi man this just feels weird. when do we get to theohhh my god what. what that" and gordons like "what, u mean this?" (curls his fingers again) mean smirk hours

i want him to make a squeaky little noise when gordon says that and curls his fingers again, and gordon's like "ha- knew he'd like it" and keeps kneading him a while; but oops, suddenly benrey's coming with an even squeakier noise

gordon's so surprised he just keeps going, hes like, not comprehending until benys whining at him to stop

a thought: benreys not good at "being human" and probably doesnt actually know whats supposed to happen when u nut so every time hes been jackin it he just does it until it starts to be Just A Little Too Much and then hes like "mission accomplished" and stops. imagine his fucking surprise when gordons jerking him off and he doesnt stop and hes like "wh ha hu what the fuck i already got off bro" and gordon just stares at him and the distinctive lack of cum on his hand and s like ".......did you? you sure about that one."

tl;dr benrey squirming and babbling and digging his fingers into gordons back as he begs him to keep going, he doesnt know whats gonna happen and hes feeling totally overwhelmed b/c gordons pushing him further than hes ever been pushed and he keeps inadvertently trying to wriggle away b/c its So Much but gordon, maybe, pins down his hips so he can get benrey off For Real.......

even better if its when gordons sucking him off for the first time so he can wrap his arms and hands around benreys thighs to keep them spread wide open and firmly in place

knees shaking and thighs jumping constantly

and benrey has no idea when its supposed to be over so he cant even warn gordon properly. he just keeps getting louder and louder.......

maybe even.......completely hunched over gordon......pushing him down on his dick with his hands in his hair.......

alternating between babbling "stop" and "dont stop" b/c hes stupid

eventually gordon gets so sick of benrey not being able to decide whether he wants to shove gordon onto his dick or yank him off that he just pulls off and says "look, man, do you trust me?" b/c he would really like to just get benrey to stop edging himself here

UNINTENTIONAL OVERSTIMULATION.......THE TEARS........HHHHHHH

and he eventually gets benrey to nod furiously at him that he trusts him and gordons just like, okay, im not gonna stop then. im gonna keep going. and.......he does

eyes glazed, hair sticking to him with sweat, hips all twitchy, dick all red, face also all red

sucking benrey dry until hes over sensitive.......

He started off spasming then he’s rocking into Gordon’s face by the time he’s wailing his name. Panting and gasping like he’s fucking DROWNING

gordon meanwhile almost nuts in his pants from the fuckin show that benreys puttin on for him and hes not even trying. hes just Like This. gordons got jerkoff material for the next month just thinking about the way benrey wails his name and clutches his hair tight

benreys like (slurred) 'u gonna jack off or sumn.......was it not hot'. gordon fighting with every cell of his body not to scream "WAS IT NOT HOT?"

trying to decide what would be hotter: gordon jacking off while hes on his knees with his head resting on benreys thigh or jerking off on benreys stomach and.....r.......rubbing it in

benrey watching gordon cum and feeling a whole new context for it cause now he knows how good it feels and gets turned on again faster-

thinking.......about.......th. next time. now that benreys figured it out. he gives it a try on his own time and hes so surprised that it works that he goes up to gordon like "yo. check this out. i figured out how to jack it" and gordon has the most unimpressed look on his face imaginable

"proud of you, buddy. am i good to go back to watching storage wars, or" "you wanna uhhh.....wanna see it maybe?" and that changes his entire tune

imagining benrey being so fucking bad at it still that he keeps doing the start-stop shit b/c its so intense and hes not used to it and the thing that actually gets him to finish is gordon, pants down to his knees and fisting his own dick like he might die tomorrow, leaning forward and telling him that hes got this, benreys gonna come for him, right? come for gordon?

gordon fucking telling him "dont stop" WRT jerking himself off and benrey just listening to him and pushing himself is ruining my fuckin mind

its a really good thought......i love how it plays into non-human benrey having to figure out human stuff........makes me crayz

probably keeps being sensitive for a long while too........ (mumbling very very quietly) and if hes so sensitive from never being touched before......maybe hes kind of........uhhh..................ticklish

new layers to the whole "oh my god its too much stop it" + "i actually dont want you to stop touching" thing .. . . .. . . . + gordon powertripping when he realizes whats going on with him and why he keeps jerking away and trying not to laugh when gordon touches him like on his stomach or his sides

benrey accidentally jerks too hard and knees gordon in the dick from how ticklish he feels just from like, hands on his sides or something

i was actually thinking about......like.......gordon laying on the ground and suffering (because why wouldnt i be thinking about gordon suffering) and deciding that enough is enough and offering to.......desensitize benrey. you know. for his own health

you know. uhhh. tying up his arms and legs, perhaps, and. you know. "do not noclip through these. i swear to god, benrey, if you kick me in the dick again"

i'm think about benrey begging gordon to stop, so he does, to check if this is a Forreal stop or a "hahah nooo~" stop, and benrey asks him through gasps to keep fucking tickling him (except he just says smth to the effect of ."gh.. ....keep doing it dude wuhdah hell...") and gordon gets an evil fucking grin and just feels on top of the world "yeah?? think you can handle it, huh???" and just destroys him. benrey thinks about gordon's horny manic face for weeks

neither of them had a thing for this before this point but the combination of feeling like hes being tickled and gordons hands on him for the first time making him mad horny gives benrey a brand new fucking fetish. gordons manic fucking face im so glad we are on the same wavelength about that

i truly hate my own posts. incurable. diseased

#asky #writin stuff #SOMETHING GOT COPIED AND PASTED WRONG SORRY

77 notes · View notes

deafmatteo · 4 years

Note

hi hi so first i really love your writing, it’s so comforting and lovely, and i look forward to every little bit of it!

and idk if you’ve already answered something like this but i was wondering about your thoughts on skam france season 5?

hello, thank u! 🖤🖤🖤

and i have talked a bit about skam france s5 when i was watching it live but im more than happy to talk about it again & put all of my thoughts into one post JFJSJD.

let me just put a disclaimer here for abuse, both personal & what was shown in the season. also adding a read more because this got LONG, i am so sorry. i talk a lot </3 (ignore the spelling errors, i literally woke up and saw this anon and jumped out of bed to answer dflkgjkdlg)

also! i talk about deafness as a disability in this but that’s my own personal experience & what was written into the season. we know arthur sees it as a disability because he was raised in a hearing society as a hearing person. not all D/deaf people believe this!! this isn’t universal.

first things first, i just wanted to let people know these feelings come from a very personal place. i lost my hearing similarly to arthur — i was beaten as a young child and as the years have gone on and i’ve grown, my hearing has gotten worse. i was hard of hearing with mild to moderate hearing loss in both ears and now i call myself deaf because i have severe hearing loss in my left ear & i am completely deaf in my right ear. (don’t worry about being apologetic or anything! i’m very open about how i lost my hearing because although it’s sad & traumatic, it’s talking about how trauma and disabilities are often more intertwined than people realize. you don’t ever see a disabled person thriving in their natural environment. you see traumatized disabled people learning how to survive.)

i don’t have problems with how arthur lost his hearing. i think it’s a very important story to tell & it’s one that does occur — even if people don’t recognize it. it added to the fear and isolation he felt during his season because he was suddenly extremely disconnected from his peers and the people he called his best friends.

i also absolutely ADORE noee and camille. having a Deaf* woman who was as sassy and blunt and straight-forward as she was is a good thing. people often talk about how D/deaf individuals can come across as rude or unattentive or too blunt and it can be true but when people often talk about it, they do it in a rude/offensive manner! noee did it in a manner that wasn’t stereotypical and felt real. she also had the distain towards hearing people because they continually traumatized & belittled her and they showed that in a way that you knew was justified. she had been hurt by these people and she knew what arthur was experiencing, hence why she was so warm around him. having a Deaf love interest who wasn’t a hearing-people pleaser or someone who needed approval from hearing people was so good because it helped add layers of her own identity that the audience may not even realize exists.

camille as well. having a hard of hearing gay (queer? i can’t remember what he labelled himself as) person on screen without fetishism or trauma porn was refreshing. that doesn’t happen and seeing it was?? amazing. he was able to have fun, be himself, etc. also him acting as a connector between noee and arthur is a reality as well. he exists inbetween both of their worlds and while it’s clear that he is comfortable and okay with it, it’s a reality that often stems into feelings of anger and hurt. (as shown in arthur!) it’s good to see a hard of hearing person who doesn’t feel ostracized from the Deaf community & or the hearing community. he’s just vibing!

the isolation that arthur felt. the lonelines, the pain, the fear—all of it is a reality of the situation he was in. even with his friends attempting to support him in the ways they knew how, he still felt alone. having noee and camille there was such a good!! good thing!!! to have. the way noee criticized his friends, the way ARTHUR eventually yelled at them (especially lucas, like wtf was up his ass), the growth of arthur from clinging onto his fantasy world and accepting himself. i geniunely enjoyed these aspects.

NOW ONTO MY CRITICISMS.

my biggest one is the abuse clip. it was absolutely unnecessary for them to include the audio (and the shadowing) of arthur’s violent abuse. i understand they needed to potray his dad’s behaviours but there were many other ways to go about it that doesn’t re-traumatize people. i rarely rarely get triggered by things due to desensitization & repression and this made me extremely nauseous and it caused me to spiral into memories of my own abuse. yes, i understand the story of arthur’s dad being the villain and contributing to the trauma. no, it did not need to be done in this way.

also the way it was brushed aside & arthur forgave him after the car accident. i know it’s contributing to the cycle of abuse and it will continue after the seasons have passed but i think it should have had more fear, confusion or anger. we could see that arthur hated his father, just by how he constantly attempted to fight back and argue. i understand that it was him acting from a place of survival and trying to mediate to make things calmer but this is his perspective—we could have felt the underlying emotions or seen a brief moment where arthur let his anger take over when he was alone. the abuse was written solely for hearing people. it was trauma porn. it was used as a way to make people feel sorry for arthur and to weaken him. it wasn’t written as integrated into the plot as it should have been and was brought up only to deter the plot away from his cheating. it was one of the things that made it clear the plot was more written for hearing people than for deaf people.

(again, it’s not the actual story i’m criticizing. it’s how they integrated it.)

the second was noee using her voice to essentially beg arthur to love her. using her voice was a moment of vulnerability and fear that they could have either: a. used in a different manner or b. not included at ALL. i am an oral deaf person—i was raised in a hearing environment & i went to speech thrapy for many, many years. i use my voice a lot. however, whenever i am without my hearing aid and i am tired, i don’t often use my voice because i am insecure about my deaf accent.

noee doesn’t use her voice at all. she has talked about how using only sign language gives her power and stregethnes her identity in a way that the hearing world would never be able to. it was a pivotal moment of her own identity and growth and they threw it out the window to tell arthur she loved him. he rejected her so she used her voice, something that reminds her of her trauma and pain, to beg him to love her back.

another is how alexia said that she wasn’t wired to love disabled people. i love alexia as well, except for this alone was enough to hurt my opinion of her. it’s a reality of abled people—they often act like loving a disabled person is more work and view disabled people as less than to avoid seeing them as potential lovers/friends/etc. my main problem is the fact it wasn’t ever properly addressed and they used it as a plot device after she had been nothing but loving and supportive to arthur during the beginning of his journey. she was so, so loving and caring and they could have used to as a way to talk about how relationships and perspective changes rather having her just be straight up ableist.

when arthur first got his hearing aids, he got smaller ones that were less visible to avoid having other people see. this is a big example of internalized ableism and is a very important point but they never touched on it again. i think it would have been more personal and monumental of his growth to have him go back & change the hearing aids he uses to better aid him in his day-to-day rather than aid his desire to be hearing-passing. i just wanted to see continuation of this.

the love triangle. ABSOLUTELY USELESS. i love both alexia and noee as love interests. they are well-developed women who both had vulnerable moments in the season where they talked about their insecurities and were vulnerable and still had arthur reject/use them both. this is more of a fandom criticism but the love triangle was used solely to demonize noee while they continued to put arthur on a pedestal. the season could have gone either/or with them as love interests or not at all. the season was meant to focus on his journey as a now disabled person and the love triangle took up a large portion of that.

(don’t think i’ve forgotten about people calling others fatphobic/biphobic for preferring noee as a love interest)

this isn’t entirely a criticism but a good point to note. i don’t think skam france had a plan in regards to season five when they casted arthur but he should have been played by a hard of hearing person and there should have been foreshadowing in the earlier seasons for this. i think arthur’s actor did a fantastic job with the content he was given but it would have been a bit more personal if played by a truly deaf/hoh person. noee’s actress talked about this! she said how good of an opportunity it was for season five to occur because it’s extremely rare for deaf people to get opportunities and casting designed for them. having a main actress talk about this and still having the main actor being abled is a bit? bad taste. i just think it’s a product of lack of planning, is all.

ALSO THE CAR CRASH????? this isn’t a big criticism, i’m just like HUH? me & arthur really out hear being deaf and getting hit by cars ig. arthur kinnie

*definitions that add as to why i use deaf & Deaf in this piece.*

#skam france #also wlw noee? she’s a wlw idc #connor answers!#tw // abuse

17 notes · View notes

morgana-ren · 4 years

Note

Im. I love you? Your answer to that ask is beautiful, also I forgot about the other meaning for weed for a moment and got confused like, 'is morgana-ren a stoner? Beefy weed muscles???' and now i cant help but imagine stoned Shiggy. Specifically him forcefully shotgunning his captive because hes bored and if hes getting stoned she might as well too. Laughing at her when she gets spacey. This is a fun train of thought lol, thanks for inspiring it

I am a ridiculous and incoherent person. My first instinct is to literally reply with complete gibberish to most things. Shaming me has absolutely Z E R O effect because I have no shame. I’m a ridonkulous person. Last time I got high, I just laid in bed singing “Secret tunnel, secret tunnel” for like 3 hours.

To be fair, I would also do that completely buttfuck sober.

Gods I wish I had a gif of Shig smonkin some donk wods, but since I don’t, you’ll have to settle for me writing it.

PSA after the fact: I AM SO SORRY IT GOT A LIL CREEPY BUT TO BE FAIR, IT’S ME AND IF YOU SENDIN ME SHIT YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO BE REAL FECKIN’ SPECIFIC OR ELSE I’M GUNNA MAKE IT CREEPY also weed hits me way different than it does most folks so it’s really hard for me to be able to accurately describe how it might be to anyone else. SO imagine this is supervillain quirky weed he has special made to calm his...uh,.. never ending rage. also it’s ridiculously longer than I planned. cause I get carried away. anyway love you!

His room is dank and smells like mold and must.

Tight metal bindings cut into your wrists, leaving you raw with crusted blood despite the fact you stopped fighting days ago. Your tailbone feels bruised from constantly shifting on his worn down carpet, your legs prickling and aching from inactivity.

He’s kept you bound here for a while, handcuffs looped through the foot of his bed. You’re not entirely sure how long, since his ratty blackout curtains make it hard to see daylight. He’s got them taped down, blocking out all but the tiniest slivers of light. Like most of his life, his room exists in total darkness.

Time has little meaning here.

He doesn’t leave you alone often, only really exiting the room to bring you food which you refuse to eat. Most of it has been kicked into the corner, the soft buzz of fruit flies accumulating more and more by the day. It frustrates him, but he’s keen on reminding you that he’s patient. You’ll relent eventually.

Truth be told, your willpower is starting to give. Your body is stiff and sore, head perpetually aching from crying. His moods are like whiplash, one second crooning to you how special you are to him, the next backhanding you and calling you a stubborn bitch. You don’t know what he wants from you. If the fates were merciful, he’d get it over with and just kill you.

Ending your life doesn’t seem like it’s high on his list of priorities.

He’s facing away from you now, tinkering with something on his desk by the light of his various computer monitors. You can’t make out what it is, only that he’s been at it for the past ten minutes. Grateful as you are for his lack of attention, it always makes you nervous when he gets preoccupied. It usually means he’s working on some new and exciting way to break you.

You take comfort in the momentary peace, some temporary reprieve from the invasive leer of those horrid crimson eyes scanning over you in the darkness. Whatever he’s doing, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Only steel yourself against what he gives you when he’s finished.

He reaches into his desk, pulling out a plastic bag of something you can’t make out. All you know is when you hear the ziplock open, a strange scent floods the room. It smells vaguely familiar, but between your fucked up headspace and even worse situation, you can’t really bring yourself to care.

Leaning against the little metal bed leg you’re imprisoned against, you realize just how heavy your eyes are as you rest the back of your head on his threadbare mattress. Fighting off oncoming waves of pulsing anxiety takes most of your energy reserve, and bouts of sleep tend to come few and far between when you’re sleeping in the den of a predator.You’re so tired, so worn down, and you don’t know what else he could do to you that he hasn’t already done or planning to do. It would be a lie to say you hadn’t considered saying that to him, but you feel like tempting the universe or him isn’t a great idea right now. Either way, your eyelashes feel like weights dragging you under into the sea of sleep.

You’re almost there when his chair squeaks and you jolt awake, that overwhelming sense of dread coming over you. Your instincts blare and somehow you just know his eyes are on you again, waiting for you to acknowledge him. He wants your attention, and he expects you to give it.

Dragging your exhausted lids open when you know you’ll have to see that terrifying man is a burden you haven’t grown accustomed to having quite yet, but it’s one you bear anyway. Besides, you know that if he thinks you’re ignoring him, he has no problem forcing you to look at him. It’s easier to just give him what he wants. He hurts you less that way.

So you do, and just like you expected, he’s simpering down at you, holding something you can’t make out in his hands. Gulping comes on impulse; he looks far too pleased and that never bodes well for you.

“Do you know what this is?”

He holds it out and it takes you a second to make it out in the dark, but you know that basic shape.

“I-is that a pipe?”

“At least you know that much.” He gives you a cheeky lip quirk, making heat rise in your cheeks. Palming it in one hand, he uses the other to fish in his pocket, one finger carefully pulled outside the kangaroo pouch of his jacket. Following his movements, your brows furrow and curiosity almost wills you to speak. The words stall in your mouth, however, when you see him pull a cheap lighter out between two fingers.

He flicks it a few times with his thumb, sparking the light and sending small cinders dancing across the his lap. After a few tries, it finally holds. The light across his face only makes him seem all the more sinister, exacerbating the shadows that reside in the craggy, marred flesh of his cheeks. The flame dances in his pupils and the orange tinged shine glimmers off the edges of his weirdly perfect, jagged teeth. It’s extremely unsettling.

He lets the flame die, picking his pipe back up and tapping it on the desk once or twice.

“I don’t do this often. I usually prefer to keep a clear head.” He lazily arches back in his chair, inhaling the dank stench of the sticky green plant packed in his pipe before returning his gaze to you. “But in some cases, I find it can help you relax.”

Bringing the pipe to his face, he wraps his chapped lips around the bit and sparks the lighter again. You watch as the flame is sucked toward the bowl, igniting the contents and bringing them to a dull simmer.Thumb twitching on the carb and pinkie pulled away, he inhales, letting his head lull back on the seat of his chair. After a few seconds and a suppressed cough or two, he leans forward and exhales, sending a splay of thick, billowing smoke directly into your face.

You turn your head, watery eyes clinging shut, but it’s not enough to keep the acrid stench from clogging through your sinuses. It constricts your throat, compelling an instinctive cough from deep in your chest. Whatever it is he’s smoking, it’s strong.

His high pitched laugh echoes off the barren walls of his room as you scrunch your nose and try to disperse the smoke pooled in your face. When the air finally clears, he’s leaning toward you, arms resting on his knees with the pipe in one hand and his lighter in the other. The little embers still burn beneath the lip of the bowl, little grey spirals rising up from the still burning plant clusters.

He holds it out to you (as if you could take it with your hands restrained behind your back), hyena-grinning as you scowl up towards him.

“You should try a little. It might make you a little more-” Pausing, he pretends to be in thought. More mockery, you really wish you were desensitized to it by now. “-friendly.”

“I would have been friendly if you hadn’t kidnapped me like some sort of psychopath!”

He rolls his eyes at your outburst, languidly pushing himself off of his dilapidated computer chair and crouching down next to you instead. You know better than to kick at him, he won’t hesitate to break your legs to keep you in line. All you can do is stare at him nervously as he shakes his shaggy pale hair out over his forehead, still sporting that unnerving expression. His scarlet eyes burn arguably brighter than fire from the pipe, and exponentially more threatening.

He moves a little closer into your space, bringing the piece back up to his lips and lighting it up once again. He takes a deep inhale this time, even deeper than the first. Chest puffed and breath held, his lanky arm reaches out back behind him places the still-burning pipe back on the desk, gaze never leaving yours.You figure he’s going to blow it in your face again, either to be annoying or to try and give you some sort of shitty second rate high to make you more malleable.

It’s obnoxious, but not even close to the worst thing he’s done to you.

Yet, his cold, dry fingers grab at your jaw, forcing you to keep your attention on him. A chipped nail from his thumb prods at your lower lip and you realize he wants you to open your mouth. You could tell him to go fuck himself, but that only gives him what he wants, if only for a moment. Instead, you choose to glower at him.

If looks could kill, he would probably keel over, but unfortunately you live in a world where he has the upper hand. He squints at you, something you know would be equally as furious as your own grimace if his features had the freedom to express it. The fingers on your chin clamp down, digging into your soft skin in a bruising grip. The more you defy him, the more he punishes you, and his large hands have more than the power they need to cause you pain.

Eventually you feel your jaw start to crack. You try to hold out, try to stay your ground, but it becomes too much. Between his brutal strength and your already weakened condition, it’s no use fighting him on something he really wants.

You open your mouth, if only to cry in pain, and he immediately crashes his lips against yours.Teeth clack as you try to shake him off, but it’s too late. He’s breathing his air into your lungs, caustic mixture of the taste of the weed and the bitter scent of his breath swirling deep inside you. You try to heave it back at him, but the damage is done. Smoke barely seeps from the tiny cracks he allows between your faces, and your need to breathe is stronger than your ability to fight, so eventually, you relent.

You gulp the air he gives you down, just wanting him to get the fuck away from you. You can feel his lips quirk in a smile as you fight the urge to spit up from the foul scent of his exhale, ripped and bloodied lips scratching against yours. Eventually when he does pull away from you, you go into a hysterical coughing fit and between your bouts, you can hear him cackle.

You finally manage to calm yourself, but whatever it is he’s made you inhale, it’s strong. Stronger than anything you’re used to. Even second hand, your head is already humming, and you can feel your chest tighten against your will.

“You feel it, don’t you?” High pitched giggling and a weirdly gentle brush of a hand across your buzzing, swollen cheek. You go to swat him off, hissing in pain when the metal edge round holding you back cuts into an already existing cut. “Soon you won’t have any fight left in you at all.”

He leaves you alone for a minute, door clicking behind him. You catch your breath in his absence, eyes scanning your surroundings. You look for something, anything he has left within your reach that you can use to escape. It’s what you do during the exceedingly brief moments he’s not around, and so far, it hasn’t yielded any results, but you refuse to give up.

The curtains likely mean that there’s presumably a window behind there. If you can just get free, you might be able to jump out. Problem is you’re stuck with your hands restrained behind you on a metal bed post. It doesn’t matter how much you kick and scream, no one ever comes, so it’s probably safe to say whoever is below or above you doesn’t give a shit. You need to get out of these cuffs.

He smokes, at least occasionally. He’s probably got a bobby pin around here for scraping. If he’s anything like your mates, they probably litter the floor. To be fair, even if you get one, you don’t really know what to do with it. You could try your hand at lockpicking?

Heh. Hand. Get it? Cause all those hands?

Focus.

The biggest problem right now is the handcuffs. Technically, you could get out of them, but you’d have to disjoint your fingers to do it, which takes away from your already pathetic chances at escaping. It hurts to move your wrists, let alone yank on them. Why the fuck did this asshole have handcuffs anyway? Unless he’s doing some kinky shit in his down time. You wouldn’t put it past him, he’s obviously a weird guy. He seems like the type to be into some dirty stuff. You don’t know who with, but there’s probably villain fuckers out there he could find and take advantage of. Gross.

You audibly laugh.That’s funny.That’s really funny. You don’t know why, but the thought makes you giggle uncontrollably. Your mind refuses to stay on track.

Fucking focus!

Somewhere far away, you hear the door open and his heavy footsteps off to the side of you. Too late. You’re still laughing.

“Hey Shigaraki-”

He’s leaning down next to you, fucking with something behind you. Your hands. He’s messing around your hands. He’s cold. Why are his hands always so goddamn cold? Is that why he’s a villain? Cold hands? That would make you a villain too.

Your head feels several sizes too big, and you can’t help but think about how he smells like dust. Everything feels slow. You can feel your heart pumping. You can hear it too.

“-You should like, just let me go.That would be kinda cool. My hands hurt.”

You don’t notice they aren’t even cuffed anymore, or that he’s scooping you up in his arms and gently placing you on his bed.

“Don’t try to fight, now. You need a tolerance to before it’ll feel normal. You’ll only hurt yourself, and that would be such a shame.”

You can tell he’s mocking you again, but you just chortle because the words are processing like a slurry. The back of your head feels so soft. It’s definitely not the awful metal he’s made you crick your neck on the past little while. He’s touching your arms and it tickles. Flashes of his face play in your mind a little slower than they’re probably actually happening. It’s terrifying, but the fear doesn’t register. You wanna touch his face. You bet it feels funny.

You can hear the click of handcuffs again, and you know he’s cuffed you once again (so rude), just somewhere new now. Your fingers grip and you feel metal bars. A bed frame. Again. Uuugh. You kick your feet a little and they bounce off the mattress. Bouncy.

There’s a weight shift near your feet, and before you can really understand what’s happening, he’s on top of you, face hovering less than an inch above yours. Your cheeks are burning as his flaxen hair tickles and curtains you, and no matter how hard you want to, you can’t stop staring at his eyes. They’re so fucking intense you swear they scorch you. Like an abyss, you feel yourself being swallowed inside them as they stare long into you. Hate. Rage. So much embodied negativity you can practically feel it. Panic blooms in your chest but your body is reacting too slow. All you can do is squirm.

“Shh-” He’s caged your head in his arms, and his breath is glossing your cheek, just as sour as before but somehow you know what’s about to happen is much worse than forcefully smoking you out. “This’ll be much better for you if you relax and give in. Who knows? You could even enjoy it.”

He grinds his clothed pelvis into yours, and while somewhere inside your head, sirens are blaring, all your body can process is pressure against your most sensitive area. You whine, and he takes the opportunity to press his lips to yours again. Your mouth is slack and moist, so it’s nice and easy for him to slide his slimy, disgusting tongue down your throat. With your brain short circuiting from both shock and whatever he’s made you consume, your body doesn’t have enough control over its facilities to fight back.

He kisses you long and hard, if you can call whatever he’s doing to you kissing. It’s more like he’s trying to devour you. Sloppy, wet, and possessive, like he’s trying to choke you with his essence. It could have been a minute. It could have been hours. You don’t know.

When he does finally pull away, you can feel your stomach lurch as he laps at the string of spit that connects you to him, but you only blink your eyes wearily despite your extreme bodily reaction. You feel sleepy, or more accurately, your eyelids feel kinda heavy. Really heavy. Something visceral is telling you to stay awake, to keep fighting, but you just can’t. You can hear yourself speak but you don’t even know what you’re saying. You don’t remember.

“You’re cute like this, all spacey and stupid.” He flicks your forehead and your eyes flicker back open, but only briefly. “I guess it hit you kinda hard, huh? Sorry about that. I should have warned you. It must’ve slipped my mind.”

He presses his mouth to yours again, a little softer this time. You’re almost out at this point, everything feels so heavy. So sluggish. You barely feel his long, thin fingers glide slowly up your shirt.

“I think you could come to like it here with me if you stop being stubborn. But that’s okay. I forgive you. Like I told you before. I’m patient. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

#Shigaraki #Shigaraki x Reader #tw implied noncon #drugging???#slight somnophilia #kidnapping #sorry weed actually hits me different than it hits other people #and when I tried to do research on how to accurately portray it they basically said you cant lmao #HE GETS YOU HIGH AS FECK BOI #It's special villain quirk weed dont ask lmao #this ended up ridiculous #just like me #it's doing that thing again where it cuts off the read more JUST under the ask #will someone send me a picture for how it shows up on your dash? Am I the only one seeing this?

134 notes · View notes

babysizedfics · 4 years

Note

Back at it again with a couple more HC prompts, which imma just dump in one, and you can pick which ones you want. Puddles with the kiddos, family baking sessions when both are regressed, Ro wanting attention whilst Logan is reading, so climbing all over his book, how their reactions to new stuffies differ, regressed versus non-regressed birthdays.... Etc... 👍

okokokokok buckle up everyone

Puddles:

this is the only one where i have to be like .. i don't think so :0 see virgil can get very nervous when it rains because he's so anxious about 'is it gonna storm? will there be thunder? will we be hit by lightning? will there be a flood? what if one of us slips and hurts our head??' that he just cannot relax enough to be able to jump around in puddles because 'WHAT IF I SLIP IM GONNA DIE' and the wetness on his skin sets off the wrong sensory feelings so jumping in muddy puddles is a no for him (as much as he loves peppa pig)

and roman is a fussy little thing, he may not care as much for his appearance when he's small but i think he will still be conscious enough to notice if he gets wet hair and muddy clothes - plus i feel like roman's mood is quite tied to the weather, on dark days he tends to fee a little more gloomy, ao again not sure about this especially if he wouldn't have his baby brother there with him

Baking:

OH BOY so roman is a great cook okay? like chef level he has honed his skills so that he can make romantic meals for handsome princes, but baking? nu uh, too technical, he ain't got time for that. Patton is the baker of the house and makes cookies and cupcakes way too often for Logan's liking (but secretly he loves them of course, he's just concerned for everybody's teeths) but both CGs will cook dinner when the boys are little

When the boys are regressed they're not allowed much in the kitchen anymore. after roman tried to make breakfast in bed for his CGs and started a very small but very real fire he has lost some kitchen rights (ficlet coming to you at some point perhaps) and is not allowed in the kitchen without at least one CG. even if he can switch so quickly between headspaces, he ends up either 1) too stubborn to come out of little space, or 2) a kittle bit clumsy when he comes out of it

but to make up for roman being upset by this slight loss of independence (he is a big kid after all) patton and he do weekly baking sessions! and there's always a theme. most recently they had animal crossing themed cupcakes, a little mermaid themed jello (not technically baking but roman wanted to but little fish gummies in the jelly), and... the next one is a secret because i might put it in chapter 7 (: in fact chapter 7 will feature the first instance of this tradition!!

virgil has pyrophobia (fear of fire) and so is never keen to be in the kitchen while there's food preparation going on (but he was allowed to help with the under the sea jello!!) so roman and pattons baking sessions are an excuse for mama and baby bonding time! the tradition didn't start until after virgil's separation anxiety from patton had eased up a little so luckily there's barely any tears

mama baby bonding time consists of but is not limited to: sitting on mama's lap, doing puzzles together, (vee trying to suck on a puzzle piece and crying when he's told not to), mama reading baby books to vee, vee touching all the textures and flaps in the baby books, snuggles

Ro wanting attention while Lo is reading:

this is 1000% canon!! later in the series logan will often be at work in his room and have the boys with him because patton is busy with something or another. they realise they really do need to keep working for thomas' sake but manage to integrate the boys' littlespaces into it. Eg. logan dangling baby plastic keys from one hand to amuse girgil while he's typing with the other

but when it's quiet time, when patton is in virgil's room because the baby is having a nap and papa wants to watch over him, when roman hasn't been little because he's been working or simply not in the mood earlier that day, when logan is just chilling, just reading a stephen hawking book in the living room, when he's literally just vibing, roman can and will launch himself into logan's lap sending the book flying and logan isn't allowed to tell him off because 'I'm little now! i want attention now!! hi mom!!!!'

New stuffies:

AHHHHHHHHH this this this is so so cute!!

roman never used to care much for soft toys before okay? before he was ever a little sure he appreciated disney action figures (he used them to block out scenes he wrote for theatre productions and screenplays and fanfiction) sure he always had a soft spot for Mrs Fluffybottom his childhood toy, but she always just sat on a shelf, he never fet the need to cuddle her or play with her

but when he realises he's little, when he starts playing with vee, when he sees how much vee cares about his soft animals, when patton and logan buy him a present to welcome him to the littlespace family and it's a golden teddy bear (soon to be named Aladdin) with big brown beady eyes and a satin crimson bow around its neck? yeah big kids love stuffies too

and now whenever roman is gifted a new toy (soft or otherwise) he essentially gets the zoomies!!! his brain is going a million miles a minute with all the game possibilities and with the excitement of NEW PRESENT!!! and with the happiness that his caregivers thought about him and he's been a good enough boy to deserve gifts?? yeah he's so so so excited he canNOT stand still he runs around the house for a whole hour flinging his new toy around (yeah he's a bit rough with them and there's been more than one torn limp or loose eye but he doesn't care it just shows how much they're loved!)

Now virgil: this boy is very very very emotionally attached to his stuffies. when he was a "dark side" he couldn't have much soft stuff because it just went against everything the household stood for and he couldn't risk the others finding out about how not-scary he really was, but he allowed himself a single stuffed rabbit that was easy to hide and that he loved with all of his being. it was his security blanket and his one item that could offer him comfort in a oanic attack and his only posession that he felt was true to him and not true to the scary facade he put up to scare thomas and the "light sides" into listening to him

without spoiling anything, that bunny was left in that house when he moved to the "light sides"

and in his new home virgil started collecting soft toys whenever he needed comfort. everytime he felt unwanted, every time he had an anxiety attack, everytime there was a thunderstorm predicted for the next week he would get himself a new soft toy because that was the only way he knew to comfort himself. needless to say he's got a pretty big collection now. you might think he became desensitized to new toys because of how many times he had gotten himself a new one, and you might be partly right.

that is until for the first time ever he is given a stuffie by someone else... when logan buys him a soft toy in apology for accidentally revealing his regression to everyone ((yes i am writing this fic!))

it wasn't really logan's fault, virgil should have been more aware he should have been more careful he should have hidden it all better but the logical side was guilt-ridden nonetheless. virgil hadn't expected much to be honest, the sincere apology was enough for him

but when logan blushed and shyly opened a box and handed him a black cat stuffie? virgil had to fight very very hard not to outright sob on the spot. he simply took it, thanked logan shakily, and prayed that logan didn't point out the fact that tears were falling onto the fluff of his new stuffed friend Jiji

now whenever he gets a new toy it's different than before - it's not because he's upset and needs comfort, it happens less often now but it's more special, it could be for a holiday or as a way of saying he's been very sweet or just because patton simply couldn't resist this one because look at its cute lil eyes! but each and everytime he knows when he is handed a new toy by one of his family members it really means 'i love you'

and he buries his face in its softness - it used to be to hide his tears, but now he just can't help but squeeze it tight and close and let the feeling of love wash over him

Birthdays:

yknow that episode of steven universe where steven wears a regal cape and a golden crown? yeah that's roman whether he's little or not

seriously this kid is very much the 'it's my birthweek!' type

lots of singing, lots of 'but i'm the birthday boy!!' to try to get thtings he really shouldn't be getting (like a third cookie) (and yes patton caves every single time) (patton is eventually banned from making decisions on romans behalf during his "birthweek")

there's not much difference at all between little romans birthday and big romans birthday, he's just an excitable boy whether he's a kiddo or not - this may or may not make the caregivers question whether maybe he actually was a little before virgil's regression was revealed

(irrelevant but patton definitely makes the pun 'you're a little? a little what? finish your sentences silly billy!')

virgil hates his birthday. hates it.

too much attention, too many things that could go wrong, too much pressure on it being a good day. what if his anxiety is bad that day? what if he doesn't want everyone watching him open presents? what if he's genuinely terrified that people think walking towards him with a big grin, singing at him, and carrying a cakeful of literal fire is a somehow a fun activity??

when he first moved into the house he made it very clear that he does not have a birthday so don't even try to throw him a party

naturally roman and patton were devastated, but after a failed attempt at getting virgil to enjoy his birthday they obeyed logan's request that they not try to push the idea on virgil any further

but the first birthday after they become a little family, it's a bit different

they don't push it, not at first, but virgil does wake up to patton already in his room and cooing at him adoringly , immediately sending him into his regressed headspace

then he's given a new soft toy. that wasn't so bad

then roman let him choose what disney film they watched. that wasnt bad either

then logan cuddled him for an hour and they might have fallen asleep together not noticing the smell of vanilla coming from the kitchen

then there was a new paci, a new rattle, another new soft toy, and cake cut up into tiny squares so he could nibble on it with his fingers

there was no loud singing no big surprises no bright lights or fire or anything else that he hated about birthdays

there was only love and toys and comfort. so virgil really didn't mind birthdays much after that

#wowie wow wow wow that was a lot i hope this is ok??#long post #all caps #food tw #pyrophobia tw #little/big concepts #agere virgil #little virgil #little roman #cg logan #cg patton #asks #anon #agedre roman

33 notes · View notes

ispyawildmars · 4 years

Text

ok im mad and need to scream about some stuff but i also don’t want to make ppl scroll past some longass post soooo. tw for body image stuff, food, emotional abuse, injuries, just shit ass environments in general.

I never see anyone talking about athletes and body image and how horrible team environments can be so i’m talking about it, as a student athlete who is dealing with the mental, physical, and emotional repercussions that sports have had on me.

okay. so. I have been a competitive swimmer since I was 7 years old. From the age of 7 up until 2 years ago, I swam with the same club team. I’ll call them the Sharks.

some background before I start talking about the body image thing: One thing i don’t think many people realize is how fucking abusive of an environment club swimming teams can be. and I really don’t say that lightly. Swimming is a sport where you train together but compete separately and most club teams are just groups of people who train together, not teams. You are constantly compared to the people you practice with. You are belittled if you can’t keep up and its personal attacks on your worth as a human. I was trained to believe that my worth as a human being depended on my performance in the pool. I am still dealing with unlearning and the repercussions of this mindset. Coaches can basically say anything to you. It’s normalized for coaches to be absolutely horrible to their swimmers. I had coaches who called us lazy, stupid, worthless- who would yell and swear at us. With that in mind, lets slide over to the body image thing.

First off, as an athlete in general, nothing specific to swimming- I was conditioned to associate my body with my athletic performance. The only use that it served was to allow me to compete. I was also constantly encouraged to push through major injuries. From what I’ve heard from other athletes and from being on my school’s cross-country team, this is normal for athletes, especially those who have been competing since a young age. I have permanent damage to my shoulder because a coach decided that a rotator cuff injury that put me in a sling for months and was inches away from surgical wasn’t a good enough reason for me to have a modified workout.This same coach insisted that I (and multiple other swimmers) swim through asthma and panic attacks. I nearly passed out during his practice multiple times and even blacked out on the pool deck once, just to be told that I “needed to suck it up”. I genuinely didn’t know what it felt like to not be in some level of pain from my sport.

Now for swimming. Obviously as a swimmer, you are half naked around random people all of the time. If you’re trans, it’s dysphoria central, but in my case i just became completely desensitized to it. (that led to a whole ton of other issues but that can wait.) The other thing that this means is that you are comparing yourself to others constantly. And if you aren’t comparing yourself, then someone else is. Other swimmers, parents, coaches, everyone. Coaches will encourage you to be unhealthy. They will encourage you to lose weight, to push yourself harder than your body can physically handle. When I finally quit my club team, I effectively had a second puberty. I was working out to such an extent that my body shut down necessary functions. I didn’t have a regular period. When I quit, within 2 months I started having regular periods, my hips got wider, and I gained weight- something that should have happened when I was going through the rest of puberty. Immediately, my self esteem dropped and people started commenting on it. My mother told me that I was getting soft. I was getting healthy but told that I was “letting myself go”. My relationship with food was fucked up. I had been telling myself since 5th grade that it didn’t matter what I ate because I would burn it off in practice. So once there wasn’t a practice to burn the food off in, I started feeling guilty about eating what I wanted. I was so used to treating my body as a machine to compete with, that I was completely alienated from it. I quietly hated myself for so long. As a swimmer I thought that I needed to be taller, be slimmer, to not have big thighs. After I quit my club team, I started hating things that I genuinely cannot change. I can’t change the width of my hips. I can’t change the way that my body fat distributes itself.

So where am I now? I still am a competitive swimmer. I am still registered with my former club team, because that is the only way that I can compete in swim meets. But I do not go to their practices. When I go to meets, I do not participate in meet warmups with them. I will only speak to 3 coaches that work with that team. I swim with my school team and with a summer team- these teams are based on having fun and being teams. My school coach works incredibly hard to make us a team because she is a former club and college swimmer who knows how bad teams can be. I took an entire year to stop hating swimming and another year to realize that I genuinely enjoy the sport. I am still unlearning the idea that my self worth is tied to my success in school and sports. (no, swimming is not the factor that contributes to this). I am still learning that my body is fine the way that it is. But mostly, now I’m pissed off. I have healed enough to fight.

So why am I bothering to write about something that happened years ago- well first off, in order to process this trauma. And yes, it is trauma. And second off, because I want other athletes to know that they aren’t the only ones dealing with this and that it IS NOT OKAY. It has been normalized in so many sports. But that doesn’t mean what happened is okay. You are worthy of kindness and deserve to not hate yourself. Your body is fine, I promise. You are enough, as you are. You do not have to change a single thing about yourself in order to be enough. you always have been and you always will be.

I love you. And I know that right now it doesn’t feel like it but you are a human and worthy of love. You will fuck up and you will learn to move on from it. You are human. and that is ENOUGH.

#my rambles #an essay by me #im fucking pissed #tw body image #body image tw #emotional abuse tw

5 notes · View notes

tokyoghoose · 4 years

Text

forgive these bastards ➤ prologue

summary ➣ when detective akaashi comes across a rather complicated case, he is faced with many challenges along the way. In his attempt to solve the murder of a young woman and a string crimes, he must work beside the reader to learn more about the victim. ( detective au )

theme song ➢ im not a good person - pat the bunny, sleep is for the weak - the dreadnoughts, the quittin kind - eleisha eagle, how do you sleep - himalayas, blow my brains out - tikkle me, when i was done dying - dan deacon, stalkers tango - autoheart, youre nobody until somebody wants you dead - saint motel, kitchen fork - john conte, distant past - everything everything, cough cough - everything everything

warnings ➢ mentions of murder and death, description of blood and gore.

announcements!

here it is! the prologue of ftb! :) I'm super excited to start this series! this is a little shorter than i wanted it to be, but I'm still pretty happy with it.

feedback is appreciated and welcome! requests are open!

—————

"Keiji, it's getting dark. Why not come inside for the night?"

The sun was just over the horizon, the moon coming up to replace it. It's bright—the orange and pink colors. The image is burned into young Akaashi's memory when he looks over. He waves at his mother with a nod before passing the volleyball back to his friends and running over. The scrapes on his palm sting and the bruises on his legs hurt a little, but he doesn't mind the sensation. It feels like freedom—even if he doesn't really understand the full meaning of the moon. This is what he imagines it feels like.

Games to be played with friends and laughter. If this is what life holds then he is more than willing to live it. His naivety holds firm when he grabs his mother hand at the door, being pulled into a brisk hug. She laughs and pats his hair and he thinks it's the kindest gesture in the world. He snuggles closer before pulling away to see dinner on the table. His mother locks up, looking quietly into the city with concerned eyes. She wasn't going to let anyone hurt him, the smile that she cherishes wasn't going to fade as long as she could help it. She turns with a smile, passing him a plastic fork before listening to the adventures Akaashi had gone on that day.

Childhood seems so far now.

———

If you were to tell Akaashi's five year old self that seventeen years later everything he thought about freedom and life was a lie and he would become a detective who took away other's freedom, he'd probably laugh and then cry and cry some more. If you were to tell him that his mother would die so he'd have to be raised by his aunt at the age of thirteen, he'd probably punch you in face in attempt to break your nose—and if you then told him that's the reason he became a detective and went through five grueling years of internships and having to learn how to stomach crime scenes in the first place, he'd make sure to add a swift kick to the shin with it. Even at twenty, if someone—anyone—would have told him that he'd never get sleep again because of the things he'd see day to day, eventually becoming desensitized, but still having nightmares that kept him up all hours of the night—well, he'd probably just brush it off because he thought he'd be different.

News flash: he's not different.

In attempt to rub sleep from his eyes (ironic considering he got maybe an hour), Akaashi yawns, triggering a chain reaction from his assistant. The city is bustling with talk of the latest murder—a social media personality. Twitter is blowing up with the hashtags 'rip' and 'always & forever.' Yet, hardly any of the people tweeting and saying things like: 'always in our hearts, never forget,' didn't know her personally. They knew the internet version of her, the side she showed to the world and not the side she was personally. To the world she is known as an idol—a hero to some.

But everyone has their dark secrets.

The car stops along the house's pavement, the driveway a large circle with a statue in the middle. His first thought is someone was in it for the money, maybe a robbery gone wrong. Stepping out the car, he snaps on some gloves and looks around before being handle the case file from an officer on duty, being caught up to speed.

The house is pristine except for the blood that has dried up on the tiled floor. It's a stark contrast from all the white and gold. Minimalist; he notes. Akaashi skims the file before looking at the body and watching it get zipped up into a black bag before being carried away. All that's left is half an outline and some splatter across the floor.

He pinches the bridge of his nose. Just what he needs—more nightmare fuel. But a job is a job no matter how tired he is.

"Alright, let's start at the entrances. Check the windows and doors."

———

Red. Why is there so much red? Whose breathing is that? And why is it so loud?

Your eyes finally focus on the hand outstretched in front of you, widening at the sight. A silent scream escapes past your lips and shakes your body, making you stumble backwards. The shaking hand blocks the view, forcing your eyes away from the scene. The thumping of your heart and blood in your eyes is so deafening that it makes you lightheaded. You felt sick. You were going to vomit, pushing down a gag and covering your mouth.

You look at your hands, willing them to stop shaking in tight fists before looking at the body below you. Blonde hair dyed red from the puddle. A sob wracks through you.

Heaving a heavy breath you weren't aware you were holding and gripping your phone tightly, you dial the police. Your voice shakes when speaking:

"H-help, please. She's dead! "

———

Akaashi rubs at his temple in attempt to soothe an oncoming headache, the dim yellow light at his desk straining his eyes. He looks at the file, nibbling on his lip in irritation. The pictures of the scene and the overall file and personal file just swarms his head with mixed up information and he honestly isn't sure where to start. With a soft sigh he leans back into his seat, crossing his arms over his chest.

The case is gruesome, a red massacre. Victim was stabbed six times in the abdominal, close to gutted even, but the blunt truama to her head shows she was dead before hitting floor. The door hadn't been broken in, the wood and hinges still in place like they hadn't been shaken—perhaps she let them in. The window had been forced open from the inside, the paint that previously sealed it being chipped aggressively against the pane. It could've been some loopy stalker, but the more he looks at the case it's less likely.

His head hurts and he can't focus and it's getting late.

He begins to nipple of his thumb nail, bringing it up to his lips in deep thought. The red strings in his brain trying to connect the dots sooner than it's actually possible. He's smart, but not that smart. His eyes slowly shift to the post-it note beside the biege file, a number scribbled down messily. They had sent you home with an officer to calm down from the shock. It had been about two days now as they waited for the autopsies and inspected, but time was running short and he needed your statement before the case runs cold and slips through his fingers. He'd have to interrogate you, ask you to speak on behalf of your friend. It seems you would know the most about her and her true identity as her emergency contact. Maybe‐ hopefully, you'd help provide answers.

But he hates this part. The part where he has to call traumatized homicide victims and witnesses. He doesn't do well at comforting people, especially when he's the type to cut straight to the point. He doesn't know how to stop someone from crying (because someone always does) and he can never stop himself from saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. He's blunt and yet, he's like a double edged sword. And he knows what they feel because he's been there and he sees it every day, even if he wasn't involved directly. If it haunts him at night, then it must taunt them all day. It's a hard push to get over, and even then the wounds never really heal. Suppose that's why Akaashi keeps pushing to solve cases, even cold ones, because he knows how it feels to be hopeless with a dark mentality. Nothing else matters until the killer is at the mercy of law.

He goes back to gnawing on his abused bottom lip, leaning forward to grab the black office phone before dialing the number. He lets it ring, twice before he hears the line click and a soft, weak 'hello?' He clears his throat, picking up his pen to write down anything he may need. This isn't his first rodeo, afterall.

"Hello, is this l/n y/n? Yes, this is the detective on case. Would you mind coming in to answer a few questions about your friend, Michiko?"

—————

taglist ➣

@izzyphantomgamer @callmeignorance @kenmagi @sawasmura @kagsblueberrymilk

35 notes · View notes