#like i feel insane bc he keeps talking about how he doesnt want a relationship and how shes scared to fall in love and

[mangoes-and-mothman]

this is not productive

[roseworth]

Any thoughts on Bart and Rose?

MANY

they make me so goddamn emotional. first of all bart being genuinely interested in being friends with her in a period of her life where she felt like no one really wanted her around.. like the titans kinda had to look after her and the older titans saw her as an unstable child that had to be taken care of (which is correct. but she didnt like that). but BART just looked at her and thought she was cool and wanted to hang out with her <3

and him saying "its not like that" is sooo sweet bc he really just wanted to be friends with her 😭 ge*ff made their relationship sorta romantic but its so sweet that he saw her and said "idk how i feel about her but i just know i want to hang out with her <3"

also my fav thing ever is that he sees her screaming at donna and crying and goes "this is the perfect time to make my move 😎" its so fucking funny because then the NEXT time he sees her he does the exact same thing. she watched her foster parents get murdered in front of her and bart goes "hey rose! its me your friend!" ily bart. but he just keeps running into her at the absolute lowest points in her life and trying to be friends. like baby shes about to kill herself this is not the time to hang out...

and then. GOD. HELLO. tt03 #12 makes me lose my fucking mind btw

sobbing because hes the ONLY PERSON that ever reached out to her during this era. hes the only person that recognized there was something wrong and tried to help her. he knew her!!! he thought she was lying to slade because he couldnt believe she would do that. GOD.

it drives me insane that so many people who shouldve done something to help her just. didnt. but i understand that sometimes the story has to happen and they couldnt do it. thats FINE its FINE

ooouuuuggaaagahguhhohuguhhoyhuguhhughggaghahhguhhuogouhghhggagghhguhuahgguhhohooouuauauhghggaagahhuhguhooouguhaggahghgh. im fine.

"rose was there. trying not to be like her dad. trying to be something else." ACK. OUCH. ok im fine.

then. titans of tomorrow 🤮

scraps of what could've been....... i assume geoff had an arc in mind where the titans take rose back (they were at least kinda hinting at it in some of the stories) and i so badly want to know what would've happened. i like the renegade arc but i wish we got a story with the titans taking her back :((( i dont trust jeff geohns with anything but... in my imagination it would've been a great story with bart coming to get her and convincing her to leave her dad

and im still refusing to acknowledge the rest of the titans of tomorrow arc because that story is so goddamn stupid and boring. but theyre married or something in it idk

BUT. BUT BUT BUT. heres where i get insane

because ouuughhhh they could be besties but they just. keep missing each other. right person wrong time but platonically because oughhhh they first met when rose's life was just completely destroyed. then they meet again when rose's life was destroyed AGAIN. then!!!!!!!! when rose meets the team its right after bart leaves and later dies

throwing up and crying bc after rose dies we get so much of rose's favorite trauma response of suppressing it and pretending she doesnt care then trying to fuck someone

someone that she considered a friend but hadnt been able to talk to in years dies and she says "LOL that funeral is so boring! haha bart meant nothing to me. im fine. stop talking about feelings and lets skinny dip right now. bart who" go off queen <3 she does not want to let herself feel any emotion so she represses it as hard as she can forever

(btw. i have complicated feelings about this bc as much as its in character for her to repress all her feelings with sexualizing herself,,,, ew. idk if this is johns or mckeever but its one of their faults and i know it because despite defining all the important aspects of her character theyre both so gross about her sometimes. men 👎 but thats a completely different rant)

ARRHCHHGGHFAHN.... THEN. titans of tomorrow (🤮) again

bart spent this entire story saying she was awful and trying to murder her (they divorced i guess. stupid ass storyline i dont care) shes still sad to lose him again. this is literally the only time she lets herself mourn him and its right after hes been trying to kill her. there is so much wrong with her <3 <3 <3

also as i was looking for that panel i saw this one and i think its so silly:

thats my girl!!! take no responsibility for anything ever and always find someone else to blame for your actions 💞 and bonus points for hating men !

anyways. then later the krul run happens and theyre both vaguely out of character but they FINALLY get to be friends again!!!!!! theyre buddies!!!!!!!!!!!! theyre hanging out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

besties bullying a 12 year old together <3

also one of my favs because i know its supposed to be "haha barts being creepy to her XD isnt that so funny" but inside my head this moment is just bart getting so excited about being on a team with rose again that he refuses to let her miss any of the action. he grabs her hand and gets her into her costume and doesnt think anything of it because hes just so happy that he gets to hang out with his buddy <3 that wasnt the writers intention. but it is to me

if youre willing to exaggerate. they r so besties here. they are taking every opportunity to hang out because they finally get to be buddies :') we still get to see bart just genuinely liking her and once again he just thinks shes cool and wants to hang out with her <3333 theyre so much fun

and i cant keep looking for screenshots because reading the end of this book bums me out since the new52 happened and they couldnt finish any of the arcs they had planned. lili worth i miss you every day

anyways yeah to answer your question. i love bart & rose 👍 the way hes one of the only people that just. likes her. hes the first person (ish) that reaches out to her after her mom died when she was at a very low point in her life and he continues to just enjoy her company and like her as a person which doesnt happen a lot <///3 there are so few people that like her and want to spend time with her and just genuinely think shes a good person but bart always does!!!!! barring t*tans *f t*morrow bart always likes her and always thinks highly of her when no ones else does 💞💞💞 theyre so sweet and i want them to interact again

[moonshynecybin]

Hi! I have been thinking about Marc and the ways he expresses his anger... giving the cold shoulder... the silent treatment if you will (he will speak ABOUT vale but not TO vale let alone WITH vale)... need your input please....

hmm good question.... this got. STUPID long sorry

uhhh marc is, in general, good at keeping his (negative) emotions in check. like i think marc loooooves to think of himself on track as a mature, controlled, and rational dude. above distraction. a killer. a cyborg. idk his dad has talked about how he doesnt really complain much about injury and there's also allll these stories about what a mature kid he was... so i think that when he was young - ESPECIALLY in a racing sense because he was so much younger than most of the people he was competing against - he internalized that in order to do all the stuff he wants to do racing-wise, he reallyyyy has to keep a level head and not well. act his age! and i think that extends to a lot of how he manages his emotions today (at least in a public setting). even in places where im pretty sure hes PISSED (sepang. phillip island 2013.) he just kind of. visibly contains himself. not a confrontational dude in the outright sense he'll clench his jaw and try to work through it.

which is part of what makes his valentino-oriented crazy so interesting. bc people were noticing that marc in 2015 was kind of. being weird. as his and valentino's relationship deteriorated. like they were both outwardly very much like we can keep it on track :) until the big fallout towards the end of the year but uhhhh. well marc has said that vale started pulling back in september of 2014 like he was noticing SOMETHING, and they clashed on track A LOT in 2015, and i think marc sensed vale cooling on him and freaked a lil. hashtag neurotic 22 year old moments. he is my favorite crazy ex girlfriend. like usually he IS good at separating that stuff out and managing his emotions in the racing sense but in assen that year when vale overtook him off track after they made contact he raised a BIG stink with race direction and actually had some uh. not especially chill quotes about it. (it should be noted marc was also flopping for the first time in his motogp career. like in his brain he stopped winning AND vale stopped talking to him he was goin through it) adn all the reporters noticed too they were like. why werent you sucking and fucking in parc ferme. like vale's left turn wrt to spaniard sabotage comes outta nowhere but people WERE noticing that things were changing. i bet marc noticed too. BUT they are not the type of people to talk about these things so they keep it to vague flirting in presscons and escalating on-track tension slash proxy wars waged in race-direction contexts... liek truly you are 22 you are not going to keep your championship title and your hot sports idol bestie is no longer flirting with you on twitter and you COULD just talk to him about that but you'd rather DIE so youre going to ask honda to back you up to race direction about your last race where you DEFINITELY lost bc winning is the ONLY thing thatll make you feel better. even though thatll help convince your hot sports idol that you are engaging in a benedict arnold level betrayal scheme against him. an insane time to be marc marquez. 2015 really kind of is a study on how both of them handle losing: NOT WELL.

and then the thing about sepang is that then the lid is blown clean off and marc spends the ENTIRE race being annoying on purposeeeee. hes so fucking pissed and hurt at valentino that he decides to get under his skin for REALSIES instead of focusing on his race. like idk he probably would have fought hard for the win without the drama that how he works but uh. i think he was being annoying specifically to bite at vale's edges. and part of that is bc marc is naturally and effortlessly annoying. but i think part of it was SPITE. like his team advised him not to speak on anything from that presscon and he didnt, but he can still fuck him over on track. get under his skin. like he cant tell vale to his FACE that he's angry and confused and hurt. but he CAN let him know on that fucking racing line. where he cant be ignored. idk like i cant see marc letting anyone else get under his skin like that.

AND another big ass exception to the marc marquez anger management philosophy is from misano 2019 where vale messes with his qualifying lap. a lovely anon sent me some videos of marc talking to the press and jesus christ i dont think ive ever seen him angrier oh my god. AND the anon also linked the race from that weekend where he won and he celebrated harder than ive seen him celebrate some TITLE wins like he went. notably nuts. the commentators were all like uhhhh. he mustve REALLY wanted to get one over on vale adjfhlkdh... idk if any of this answered your question but his relationship to his emotions fascinates me hes so weirddddd. and its interesting to me that he can shrug off jorge ruining his last race at honda and be friendly but also be like. kind of aloofly pissed at bezz. because of valentino! he can repress the rest of it, but valentino shines through the cracks.

[sunnnfish]

I think this chapter is sooo funny bc once again they’re having the same feeling!!! (Wanting to continue this pseudo dating thing) but they’re approaching it in different ways!!! Hirano feels the need to communicate to Kagiura about it bc they’ve suffered from so much miscommunication in the past, and Kagiura knows that after that whole convo about “moving on”, hiranos going to talk to him about it bc he doesn’t want to hurt/prolong this hurt, and he’s right! But his conclusion is wrong, I think it’s at this point where Kagiura realizes he’s making assumptions! And assuming that he’ll always be rejected that every bit of progress made will have to be made with sweat, blood, and tears is already selling himself short! It’s why at the end of the chapter we see Kagiura acting like he did in the beginning, like what he’s experiencing is too good to be true and he has to talk to someone about it who can level with him about how he’s supposed to interpret it, “how much hope can I have?” Or something, also I love the fact that this conflict doesn’t just ride on Hirano not experiencing romantic feelings but also Kagiura not being completely truthful about what he’s feeling, I think it was mentioned in the hide n seek chapter about this and something about Kagiura wanting Hirano to find out for himself which is so funny considering Kagiuras feelings only reached the point of no return bc of niibashi’s help 😭 idk these situations are always interesting bc Hirano points out contradictions in kagiuras behavior and Kagiura slowly leaves breadcrumbs as to what it means, so that way Kagiura will have his feelings understood not in an intellectual sense but bc he feels the same thing! Anyway KagiHira 5ever I hope they never stop being insane

ITS SO FUNNY!!!! ITS SO SO FUNNYYYY!!!! hahahahhaah. but god youre so right. they want the same damn thing all the time but they keep going about it in different ways or keep misunderstanding each other. like Yeah they were both thinking about the whole moving on thing... but kagiura completely misunderstood hirano. because he will always think its too good to be true. hes bringing up the moving on thing because hes going to reject me. its on some level a kind of self-loathing that ive been really really normal about lately. even though theyre trying the trial pseudo dating thing he doesnt 100% believe that hirano is actually trying. he thinks he has to keep begging hirano to look at him but little does he know hiranos never taken his eyes off him.

and so they both approach this Moving On conversation with selfishness. kagi selfishly begs hirano to keep trying. and he knows hes selfish and so full of desire and he kind of hates himself for it. but hirano also comes in selfishly--i dont want you to move on yet. let me keep trying. i want to understand you so desperately. and then yeah it kind of lightens up as kagi realizes what the fuck he just said and he has to be thinking about that How much hope am i allowed to have. and thank god he has niibashi to talk to about it UNLIKE HIRANO TAIGA. TALK TO SOMEONE YOU BITCH. SOMEONE WHOS NOT MIYANO. BECAUSE MIYANO IS INSANE. sorry. like you said kagi only realized the depth of his feelings after talking to niibashi. before that he was perfectly content with their relationship. hirano just really really needs to talk to somebody. even in a roundabout way. and i do hope its sasaki. sigh. anyways. also the thing about kagi hiding his feelings Yeah 1000%. and hirano pointing out the contradictions. aaauuuuhhggggg kagihira 6ever peace and love on planet kagihira

[joculatrixster]

"ill admit i dont watch sos nor raft streams but im calling out ppl who r calling scott specifically abusive and ive literally never seen anyone as vilinized as scott in fics i can think off the top of my head 3 fics ive seen where scott is the vilian and portrayed as jimmys abuser which is NOT true for anyone u mentioned." You can't say Scott is the only one villainized in the same breath as admitting you haven't seen content where other CCs get villainized by the audience.

Many of the *exact same people* who criticize Scott have also come out with posts talking about how uncomfortable Sausage makes them, some of them specifically citing his behavior toward Jimmy in SOS. Of course, I can't say that's true for everyone in fandom who criticizes Scott, but in my experience people critical of Scott are critical of others, too, regardless of their sexuality. Saying the criticism is fueled by homophobia doesn't track when the people criticizing Scott are also criticizing straight CCs/characters for very similar things.

Everyone has a different fandom experience based on what circles/fan archives/discussion boards they're on, and even on the same site people can have different experiences because of stuff like algorithms and who you're following. IIRC I have seen a fic where Grian, Jimmy, Joel and Lizzie were all siblings and Lizzie called out Grian and Joel for not being good brothers to Jimmy, while the only fic I've seen with Scott being "villainized" was a short ficlet where he did something small out of jealousy that didn't have any long term effects. I have actually gone *looking* for toxic FH fanfic and not found any. (I like complicated messy relationship story lines, so I feel like toxic FH in fic form would be fun to read.) Obviously this has not been your experience, but you seem to be treating your fandom experience as if it's the same for everyone else, which it's not.

its nnot just my experience when multiple multiple ppl have spoken out about how prominent it is specifically for scott again if its just a small issue id understand but the normalization is insane, ive seen a fic where scott turns jimmy into his pet doll and he needs to be saved from his clutches. ive read a gic where scott kills pearl and wants to destroy the entire world and has jimmy as his pet who he promised to keep as long as he stayed uner his thumb. ive read a fic where scott just leaves jimmy at the alter and pearl hunts him down and lashes out violently at him and we r meant to side w pearl for attacking him bc he didnt feel bad for poor jimmy. these were not obscure fics or small fics. u seem to assume an issue others r clearly pointing out theyve seen way more than others is only something some fridnge guy is complaining about instead of perhaps something UVE missed hm? uve seen 1 fic where joel and grian r kinda shitty to jimmy and get called out ive read multiple fics where scott breaks down jimmy as a person and needs to be saved from him, ive seen multiple posts calling irl scott smajor am abuser bc of one clip, ive seen pll say jimmy deadass is uncomfortable w FH and doesnt like scott which is just weird ass behavior. yes sausage gets flack i belive this but i haven't seen a shit ton of fics making sausage break jimmy soan mentally then get killed or punished in the end for being an irredeemable abuser. ive seen multiple of that for scott or just seeing scott in general in a veryyy negative light which is clearly due to an unfavorable interpretation of his character. which is fine, but name three fics where grian is intpreted that unfavorably w over 100 kueos. no seriously show me the fics where grian dies in the 3nd and its a thing everyone is happy about in the ficand they do not mourn him at all bc they hated him. go on!

its funny how ur orignal anon nitpicked my post and ur reply again nitpicks one part of a wider post as if the point i said was even what ur replyin to, im talking fandom space but even if i wasnt im talking life series fandom while i do mention oli thats just to ponnt out that One scott clip is not Just a scott thing, girl. vilinized in life series aka what i tagged, dont be stupid here its literally just making u look stupid 😭i used grian as an example bc hes someone who acts similar in the space i was criticizing and not sausage bc i am aware things may be different in a DIFFERENT context. ur majorlyyyy derialing and not rlly proving me wrong ur just proving that u dont rlly get what im saying which is fine but also all ur points r just...not disproving anything l. ur example is 1 grian and joel being criticized in one(1) fic(which is not what vilianized even means dude but hey ill give u this u did find one somewhat grian neg fic!) and 2 a guy not even in the fandom i tagged. girl...

[mieczyhale]

the entire fic:: logan feels like he's be replaced, he's insecure and angry and has a lot of emotions about it

any scene where this other guy gets too close to wade:: logan goes feral, possessive and protective As Fuck

the guy saves them but still flirts with wade while disrespecting logan:: logan hates him, still, wants him to fuck off forever

wade:: asks if logan would be into a threesome with him and the other guy, the other guy suggested it

logan:: loses his shit immediately, is very aggressive about how he will not share wade, this is a theme running throughout the fic obviously

the epilog, without warning:: here's logan having a really detailed sex dream about wade bringing the guy to their apartment and them all fucking. in the dream is angry about all of it but finds it hot. he wakes up and is angry about it but finds it hot. he and wade talk about it and even though logan doesn't say anything wade just knows he'd be down to make that threesome happen for real - logan just doesnt want to say yes out loud and admit it y'know - and wade is excited about the idea. it's approached as a newly learned kink and something realistic for them. thankfully the epilog leaves that topic and wraps up with something kinda sweet or whatever

....

i'm sorry

are you fucking KIDDING ME??

first of all that makes no sense, logan who is afraid of being replaced and not being worthy of love or good enough, who has this whole deal about like "you can live forever but nobody is made for you, nobody is made to love you", who spends the whole fic seeing this other guy as a threat to EVERYTHING he has now, including his current life and his place at wade's side and any potential relationship with wade at all, who never stops hating the guy and being uncomfortable around him even when the guy saves his life, WOULD NOT BE DOWN TO CLOWN. NOT BY HIMSELF AND CERTAINLY NOT WITH WADE. HE WOULDN'T BE OKAY WITH SHARING WADE WITH THAT GUY AFTER *gestures to entire fic* OR ANYONE TBH, BUT ESPECIALLY NOT THAT GUY

and honestly?? having wade ask is one thing, non-seriously or otherwise, as long as he accepts whatever logan says. which is no absolutely not. and he does.

having him talk about how hot it would be, having him be obviously turned on by it, having him do literally anything that could hurt logan just bc he finds it "hot" is INSANE and out of character. dream sequence or not that's fucked up.

second of all, thanks for absolutely no fucking warning before the epilog that ANYTHING like this was gonna happen. if there had been i would've skipped the epilog and simply enjoyed the fic as it ended. but no. now i'm angry and nauseous and it ruined the whole fic for me. i can't even kudos it let alone bookmark it

i left a comment about the lack of warning (politely, thanks) and how it would've been appreciated and why. and then tried to make it very clear that THAT content in the epilog was my only issue with the entire fic. i included what i loved about the fic. i tried to overall keep things p simple (and nothing at all like this post)

normally i won't comment if i have anything negative to say, but considering my only negativity was "hey a content warning for this would've been nice" AND it wasn't my entire comment i don't feel super bad leaving it

content warnings and trigger warnings matter

and all kinds of things could fall under them for people

and i think it's better to warn your readers that something that could be a problem for them is in a chapter rather than leave it up to chance and hope nobody who reads it has issues

[akgaereporter]

nct: sunflowers attacking dream over recent haechan live ☠

tldr: during haechan’s recent welive he said he permed his hair & dream "thought something was wrong" with it so he got it straightened again. some sfs/hc solos started losing their damn minds over that🤕 he also talked a lot abt music he wants to release and highkey called sm out, and all of this got the sunflower girlies real mad i guess..

so earlier haechan went live on weverse and was talking about dream's reaction to him perming his hair:

some sfs went kinda insane over this☠

like woah..? how did we go from 1 to 100☠ i cant even tell whos a solo, a unitzen, or a dream anti thats how bad it is..

and when dreamzens started ratioing these folk, this person said its hypocritical for them to say psychoanalyzing is weird when drmzens did the same to 127 with their constant coworker allegations

idk what they were tryna say here like okay..?? then yall both freaks☠

☆ my opinion

icl and say i’ve been keeping up w this 284828483 year old unitzen drama but i do remember the coworker allegations the last person was talking about, it got really bad at one point, however that doesnt excuse the INSANITY that is going on here. inserting urself into this big ole grown man’s relationships and acting like hes some kind of poor bullied people pleaser who can’t make any choices for himself is so crazy PLEASE wake up. if any of yall lewsers read past the first line of those translations youd see he agreed and said he also didn’t like the way the perm came out (bc the back was all curly and his bangs weren’t)☠️ imagine getting ur hair done and looking crazy, so u listen to ur homeboys and get it fixed but ur deranged 70 hour sceentime having ass fans start acting like they punched u unconscious, strapped u to a chair and straightened it themselves.. id smoke a pack the size of both koreas too if my stans were so insufferable like dont embarass me.. all y’all doing is exposing u have absolutely zero friends bc ive never seen a more normal interaction between groupmates☠️

but all this lowkey feels like a reaction to some of the things hc said concerning music/solo scheds during the live. its obvious that sm is in fact sabotaging him bc ur telling me 8 years in, as one of nct's strongest vocalists and a popular member, he hasn't released any proper solo music despite wanting to..??? and is still getting micromanaged this far into his career? if 2+2 is 4 um...

like i thought after a certain amount of time idols start having more of their own creative/appearance direction like with bts, seventeen etc. i guess it might be bc those groups make a lot self written music but still..? doesnt hyuck write music too? to have a star on ur hands like this and fumble is so crazy to me, theres no other explanation than they want him to stay local and not get too big for the brand since hes one of the centers in nct.

but girl bye.. if they let his fame grow, all they'd have to do is treat him properly and he wouldn't want to leave they wack ass company. they just dont want him to have a choice☠ now they got him on lock bc they dont know how to act right. im not condoning anything but i really do understand why so many haechan/nct solos in general exist.. it all starts & ends with sm's fuckassery cause if my biases got steady treated like garbage id get hostile towards ANYONE in and out of the group too like..

anyways had to wake this tea up🤕 haechan deserves better everything i fear. better company, better fans, but NOT a better group. he loves those boys down and all of them are highkey in the same boat but saying that on unitzentwt will get you SHOT. stay strapped in these streets..

[c l o s e t a b ?] ◀ ⇨ akgaepop.com

[mojaves]

alone, fear and hunt for literally all four ocs u mentioned in the tags. aka alex, ryan, seb and andy hehe :3c

ik you asked for all four but that will kill me dead so i am doing this for alex and andy entirely bc of the loneliness question and i have too much to say about it

alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?

the thing about Alex is he always craved isolation. didnt ever manage to figure out how to communicate his needs with people, not that anyone would have listened anyway. he Wanted to be alone. it wasn't fun. it was cold. sad. empty. but he much preferred that over being overwhelmed. and then he died alone. for a few days no one even knew he'd gone missing, and by then it was already too late. and now he's finally been granted isolation, he wants nothing more than to Live. to enjoy the life he denied himself. to surround himself with people he loves. he craves it SO bad. but he always pushes everything away!!!!! he's scared!!! the loneliness has become too comfortable!!!!! basically: he's not coping very well

for andy, he got thrown into arasaka when he turned 18, into a role too big for someone so inexperienced and so young. he had to leave his family and friends behind. now being a corpo, everyone's in it for themselves, anyone will stab you in the back for the most petty reason ever. you have to walk on eggshells around everyone. so his loneliness was a defence mechanism. and he hated it!!! but he had no choice!!! he couldn't quit. couldn't go back home. it drove him insane and he threw himself entirely into his work to push the feeling to the back of his mind. and jesus christ it ruined him alright.

fear: What is your OC's greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away?

alex is scared of forming relationships and bonding with people!!! he never got the opportunity when he was alive. avoided it by any means necessary. he never listened to anyone, so never learned how to be like. Respectful. Friendly. he built up a wall so high it probably reaches the moon at this point. he has to acknowledge this every damb day of his life, and somehow just. carry on. he doesnt talk about it, because he Has no one for that. he doesnt know anyone like that. so he keeps it all locked away. which makes him Worse!!!! neverending cycle.

andy is. scared of a Lot of things. people, relationships, falling hard back into old habits, his past coming to bite him in the ass, when the time comes where he has to face the consequences of his actions. what he's done has killed a lot of people, and he's definitely a huge target on a lot of lists. but there's not really anything he can do about that. he has to keep going, he's not gonna cower away from the world like his brother did,,, he just has to push forward. somehow. he hates every second of it... but he's finally getting the chance to Live now, which is not something he ever thought he'd have, and he doesnt want to compeltely ruin that for himself.

hunt: Who or what is your OC hunted by? A person, a feeling, a past mistake? Is your OC able to let their guard down, or are they constantly alert?

alex has been hunted all his life, in a way, by a distant family member who died decades before alex was ever born, and is one of the reasons why he died in the first place,,, she just wanted a son, and latched onto him at the earliest possible opportunity, which caused a Lot of problems for him growing up, and even after dying he cannot escape it. he's also followed by grief, everywhere he goes. that's basically his job, if i had to describe it in one word. all he ever sees is death. he also has to grieve the life he never had, every single day. he hasnt let his guard down in so long he's forgotten what it felt like

andy is always reminded of his past mistakes,,, nightmares, a LOT of nightmares. every single time he looks in the mirror, and goes to work, and sees the people who have been Directly affected by his actions. theyre still alive, doing their own thing, living it up as best they can... but that doesnt make what he did right. it doesnt make it excusable. he KNOWS!!! theyre not gonna forgive him. and they dont have to. he's not expecting that,,, it wont change what happened. all they can do is move forward in spite of it all. and also he's dating one of the ex test subjects AND an old co worker. So!!!!!!! he's doing something right.

[spookyserenades]

I’VE NEVER WANTED TO PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE SKULL MORE-

but I wanna punch u in like a loving way ya know 🥹🥺🙈🙊🙉😭

i-

ok i didnt have time to talk abt last chapter, but honestly all u have to know is that i loved every single word, every punctuation mark, every period, every space-

omg this chapter was wild i cant-

yoongi and y/n, I’ve never met a couple whose good and bad at communication at the same time i cant- no cause like him writing a song for her bc of her, when he played it i imaged Butterfly for some reason, the melody is so beautiful on the piano 🥺🥹 omg not him with his shirt off at the b-ball court. He rlly flexing huh, yeah sure ur too HOT 🥵 omg she got a vision, LIKE HER MOM! Will this be a reoccurring theme with her? Oooo. OMG THAT FIRST KISS WAS SO SWEET WHEN IT SORT OF CAME FULL CIRCLE WITH YOONGI ASKING HER TO KISS HIM! AND THEN HIM ASKING FOR MORE OMG ITS SO HOT WTF I KNOW I SHOULDNT BE THIS HORNY YET BUT UR WRITING IS JUST 🤌🏼 💋 THEY ARE IN LOOOOVE FR LIKE WE KNEW THEY BOTH HEAD OVER HEELS, SO HEAD OVER HEELS THEY COULDNT GET SLEEP FOR WEEKS/DAYS~ OH MAN SECRET RELATIONSHIP YEAH WELL-

omg wtf yeah secret relationship went down the drain lol. Either hobi’s hearing is super good and he’s near the room or everyone heard y/n fucking whining into yoongis mouth dam. Or he saw that quick kiss in her room omg ur cliffhangers dana drive me INSANE! Hobi is such a tease too! Now him teasing her for her heart palpitations poor girl cant handle all the handsome men around her like same girlie pop-I do wonder how this will effect the hybrids dynamics with each other and her 🤔

omg jinnies b day he deserves the world. Not him feeding her, he KNEW what he was doing and in FRONT of everyone too 😏 him warming up her hands with his breath i cant- and then going to take cooking class in February. HIM SAYING HE DOESNT WANT TO GO WITH ANYONE ELSE BUT HERRRR 😭 him saying lets go home bc home is smth he never truly haddd and he feels safe mow eeek😭😭😭😭

Omg not tae driving the way home- KNOWING THE WAY HOOOME. No cause like you can tell they probably all know the way home by heart bc they cherish her and the house sm its means so much to them i cant i actually had to stop reading after that line bc i got so emotional. Omg tae is taking his photography seriously 🥰 im so glad hes really delving into his passion! Omg their ID’s lol they must be so cute and funny 😆

ofc jimin is a responsible cutie we love, cant wait to see more scenes with him later~ but him saying y/n looks good in any photo ✋ stop sir u are such a charmer i cant- eeeeeek

omg joonie so cute. He cares for her sm and he’s the type of person to not beat around the bush. He cares and wants her to be straightforward when shes upset 😭 eeeek

omg the scene with jk- i LOVE BANTER SM and their scenes always crack me up. Jk’s dialogue is so fun! No not her giving the puppy dog eyes 🥺 and it not working… or maybe it did 😏 omg and her being bold with that KISS ON THE CHEEK- i was imagining jk when he gets surprised or zones out 😲 its so funny 😂 omg y/n has W Rizz for sure~

omg ben already predicted this my mans was just waiting for her to catch up- its so good to see him again I love y/n’s friends. Him lifting her up but also humoring her is SO what i would do if my friend was in a similar situation! Like Y/N GIRLIE POP I ARE THE IT GIRL U GOT NOTHIN TO WORRY ABT!

THANK YOU SM FOR THIS UPDATE I LOVE U SM DANA!!!!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!! Remember, make sure to take care of urself first and foremost! 😤 Love you byeeee~

FDJSKAFHDSAF I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO PUNCH MY SKULL LMAO!! I'm so so happy that you loved the last two chapters, there was SO much that went down, I can't wait to chat about them hehehe 💜

SO fhdjsaf you're right on the money with Yoongi and MC not knowing how to communicate with each other for SHIT. Like I think they rely on telepathy or vibes too much, neither of them are mind readers... so much of their conflict these past two chapters could have been resolved if they just sat down and talked calmly about things for an hour or so!!! 💀BUT stop it right now Butterfly is one of my favorite BTS songs, so so gorgeous on the piano, and I could imagine a very similar melody that Yoongi would write for MC being something like that too. 🦋

HNNNNGGGFF Yoongi all sweaty on the court without his shirt.... damp long hair....teasing MC the whole way UGH I just know that I'd be drooling! 🥵And with that vision WHEW I'm so happy I could incorporate that into MC's character finally, I will say that this is something that will begin to happen more frequently for MC-- ever since she has been diving more into her spirituality and practices, her psychic abilities have been getting stronger.

The kiss. THE KISS!!! I'VE BEEN DYING TO WRITE SOME ROMANCE FOREVER NOW MY GOODNESS IT TOOK 13 CHAPTERS!! I just feel like Yoongi is such a 0 to 100 kind of guy when it comes to kisses, sweet and tender to begin with, then BAM super passionate and intense. I really really loved writing that scene, I'd say that Yoongi was truly desperate and yearning for MC for so long that he couldn't help but beg for more hnnnnngggg. But now they have to tip toe around for a little bit until they figure out how to tell the others, which turns into MORE yearning and AH I wanna chew on my drywall!!!! 👹

djkafdakfdask I'm excited to continue off where we left off! You know I always gotta leave you all on a cliffhanger. I wonder how MC is going to dodge Hoseok's questioning, and we don't know if he heard those two making out (he shouldn't have been able to, the music room is soundproofed...) or was perceptive to how weird MC and Yoongi were being with each other. I also feel like if Hoseok heard them, some of the others would as well, and I can think of a few (Namjoon, Tae, Seokjin for ex.) that would probably bust down that door!!! But also your theory of Hoseok possibly catching their kiss in the hallway is something that could have happened eeeee. Also I love teasing Hoseok as well he raises my blood pressure... poor MC can't even hide her heartrate from them!

UGH Jinnie's birthday he's such a sweet darling, I love that he was able to go out somewhere yummy to eat and spend time with everyone. I also really love when he feeds MC... it's so hot to me idk why like yes PLS grab my face and stare at me and treat me like a princess Jin!!! Always making sure she's warm, wanting to go to the cooking class with just her, and feeling truly at home with her and in their house I CAN'T He's just such a love. 😍

Tae baby... just like Jin, he knows where home is now and AH they're just all getting so close. You're so right, they really cherish her so so much. Tae and his photography too is so fun to write about, it's nice that he gets to express himself creatively and the other hybrids let him take their ID pictures was a sweet hidden moment that I'm happy you noticed!

Definitely more Jimin on the way!! It's been the Yoongi show for a bit, but that's just how I've planned these few chapters. Don't worry, each of them will get their turns to be the stars, which I'm super excited about in the future! Charmer Libra Jimin is my Roman Empire, totally more of a flirt and a romantic as time goes on. Joon UGH!! My little wolf, he's warmed up so much to MC, and he's very straightforward and stern like you said-- ever since the Incident, he seems to be very concerned about weather or not MC is feeling upset.

HA I love writing MC and Jeongguk's interactions, they're both such little shits and you can tell when they get on each other's nerves, but it's less antagonistic these days and more playful. He totally called her out for pouting, and while it might work for some of the others, it doesn't on him LOL. But she got him back with that kiss, huh? I bet she's been dying to do that for months...

I'm PSYCHED you mentioned Ben. He's my favorite side character to write, and it's nice that MC is able to confide in him about any of her worries. You're right, he totally caught onto her having crushes on all of them (it's probably dead obvious to him) But ahh it makes me so happy that you love him as well!! I agree, I'd probably act the same way towards MC if I were Ben-- teasing her but trying to encourage as well. 🫣

FDJAKSFH THANK YOU FOR READING AND SENDING ME SO MANY LOVELY COMMENTS!!! As always I look forward to what you have to say about updates, and I love you sm as well! Hope you had lovely holidays and a fun new year my sweets! 😘💜

[scalproie]

omg plz do 13, 16, and 25 for the violence ask meme on tekken FWKJFK sorry for so much im just interested to hear ur thoughts!!!

13. worst blorboficiation

Objectively, Lee is the "least evil" mishima and congrats to him for leaving (tho forcefully) that fucked up family and yeah his childhood sucked big time and I have to respect the hustle of him rebranding himself into the funny "excellent" flamboyant guy but GOD he somehow successfully tricked everybody into forgetting that he is also very not a good person. I KNOW we are starving for positive relationships in tekken but he is very much as egoistical and self-interested as the rest of his family, kazuya is his brother only by name only and lee not only doesnt care about him nor their father and he would happily throw him or both of them under the bus to get ahead LIKE HE IS DOING NOW BY WORKING WITH LARS AND JIN AGAINST KAZUYA. Lee could not have inherited raw power from heihachi so he got his manipulativeness, sketchyness and charisma, and lets not talk about how the devil gene is alienating both kaz and jin so there is no way lee could even keep up with that. But if he could I really doubt he would still be regarded as the meme man that he is now. I love lee but I feel like the only person that can see smth sinister lurking under the surface thats funny and approachable and even has friends. Thats not a negative btw I love that about lee but the overly kindness I see from people's interpretation of him sometimes take me out. Hes better, but hes still not good, yknow?

(as for mk im just slipping it there bc its fresh in my head, johnny cage holds the really heavy burden of being the only somewhat comical main character in a sea of dramatic people so he is doomed to be mischaracterized I think. Either hes treated TOO seriously and it feels... wrong in a way I cant explain OR he is subject to comical whorification. But thats just me hating fun I guess.)

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

Heihachi has the worst fucking development in tekken 7 it genuinely makes me insane that some people would enjoy this botched attempt of sympathy toward him, all while making fun of his original reasonning like "haha lions dont push their cubs off cliffs" WE KNOW its a traditional asian misconception that even has a name and it makes sense bc heihachi is old school but also ITS NOOOT ABOUT THE LITERAL LION THING ITS A METAPHOR ITS ABOUT GENERATIONAL TRAUMA AND TOXIC MASCULINITY GNGNHGNH and its BETTER than a hypothetical witch trial that makes NO SENSE bc HEIHACHI YOU THREW THE KID SAYING THAT IF HE SURVIVED, HE HAD THE EVIL IN HIM. AND THEN YOU RAISED HIM??? WHAT??? Its stupid. I hope he stays dead goodbye forever funny cockroach grandpa.

(mk break again but you genuinely have to explain 80% of the mk ships to me. Maybe its me being idk, a shipping paladin or smth and took an oath to the One True Pairing or whatever and im now blind to the rest but yeah I dont see the majority of it.)

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

EVERYONE SPEAKING THEIR OWN LANGUAGE AND EVERYBODY UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER DESPITE THAT IS ONE OF THE BEST THING ABOUT TEKKEN. FUCK YOU IF YOU WANT AN ALL JAPANESE OR ENGLISH DUB. ITS ORIGINAL ITS INTERESTING ITS GOOD TO HAVE CHARACTERS SPEAKING ACTUAL FRENCH, SPANISH, PORTUGESE, KOREAN AND OTHER IN A MAINSTREAM VIDEOGAME. FUCK YOU FOREVER IF YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT AWAY OR IF ITS "WEIRD" TO YOU BC ITS NOT REALISTIC, BORING BITCH.

ALSO "NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE PLOT" I DO!!! I DOOO!!! IM NOT GONNA LOWER MY STANDARDS FOR THEM TO MAKE A GOOD SATISFYING STORY JUST BC YOU CARE MORE ABOUT EVO TOURNAMENTS, MICROFRAME DATA, AND IF YOUR WAIFU MAKE IT BACK IN THE MAIN ROSTER.

[bonesandthebees]

that ties into the fact that we have no idea whatll happen to wilbur afterwards

I would love to believe that he wont be forced into any roles (maybe even get to figure out his relationship with clara, communicate it out with her in a way or something tho that is very hopeful and foolish) and get to live as a person if he wishes to (which im confident to say he does)

he has phil on his side (and surely also tommy, niki techno, some other deathlings too) and I would even dare to believe eret wouldnt force him into a strict role like that, plus he did agree to the plan but im not sure if that really accounts for any insurance

but does any of that really matter if he still keeps getting visions

at this point it doesnt feel like enough for wilbur to get to be a person while still getting and relaying vision, bc there is deep rooted trauma

I think he either ignores the visions or fixes his relationship with clara ig (idk how that could even happens but it would definitely be very interesting ngl)

not sure if that makes sense but in general im just praying for some closure and freedom for him, my boy deserves at least that

wilbur has made some insane progress lately and it can be seen, especially in the last chapter and I go over that in my comments but just trusting more in general, less afraid to break pythia rules, ... im so proud of him

what I do want to point out is how, despite the deathlings being his friends/family now, the good ones basically, and even kristin being more there than clara ever really was, wilbur still doesnt like kristin and doesnt want to be a deathling

like hes with them and hes one of them in a way, but hes not a deathling, he isnt switching to kristin just bc he hates clara

and I absolutely love that, bc while switching to being a deathling would make sense, his journey here is about discovering himself, without the influence of anyone else, especially not goddesses (I think if he werent chosen as the pythia he wouldve been an atheist, talking to q about it was very intriguing to him)

on completely different note I noticed that the kind of visions wilbur receives (or maybe how he perceives them) is relevant to how he feels about something rn, like the vision about escaping vs the new vision being confused bc hes confused

not sure if thats what's actually happening but it feels like it

and ofc I cant forget, THAT SANDDUO SCENE? WITH THE NAME REVEAL? BONES YOUR SANDDUO ARE EVERYTHING TO ME

so unbelievably proud of wilbur for how far hes come and prying this all goes well and he gets to live the life he deserves

and a mandatory "the pythia"/"wilbur" narration changes bc I dont think ill ever be normal about that, it just always gives every moment even more meaning, its genius

2/2

hm... while it would be great for wilbur not to be forced into any more roles he IS still clara's chosen. he is still going to receive visions of the future whether he wants them or not. and that means something even if he doesn't want it to.

guess you'll have to wait and see how that turns out :)

yeah the thing is I think a lot of readers expected wilbur to switch to kristin since she's the 'opposite' of clara in a sense, but that's not the route i wanted to go down. wilbur's trauma is so deeply ingrained, any kind of religious institution leaves a bad taste in his mouth now. the past ten years of his life have been dictated by the rules of the divine, but he doesn't want that anymore. he wants to step away from the divine entirely, and get the experience he's been denied for so long: just being a person.

aaa thank you I loved writing that sandduo scene so much. he's made SO much progress it's been so fun to write his slow character growth throughout this entire fic, and finally reap the rewards.

[rrxnjun]

ok. i was gonna reply to ur comment but it got a bit too long of a rant HAHAHHA sorry😭

but girl i will never stop raving about ur fics istg like something about the way you write and your characters always seem to hit home for me like i always seem to connect with your characters. you make their emotions and the scenarios they're in so vivid and raw and IBFIWRFO i eat it up😭😭😭

i never used to like reading angst but you execute it so well that i'll literally love it when you do it (e.g. fics like two people, when nobody's watching, potential) IDK MAN it physically hurts my heart I FEEL THE EMOTIONS OF THE CHARACTERS MAN IDK

when nobody's watching: when the reader's looking at renjun thru the years from her perspective when the reader wants to reach out, I WANT TO REACH OUT LIKESJFGOWRG WHEN RENJUN SMASHES THE BOTTLE AT THE PARTY YK????

two people: the way you describe jeno and y/n's suffocating one way relationship, I UNDERSTAND THE READER!!! jeno is perfect, he tries to fix the relationship but IT JUST DOESNT WORK THAT WAY the relationship was way over before he tried to fix it and ITS SO REAL!!!! the inner turmoil the reader went thru and the slow changing feels for mark WAS JUST- UGH *chefs kiss

potential: man. where do i even start with this fic. it's a storyline that i never knew i needed to read in my life. like bar u don't understand, potential had me in despair for the next 4 days. i can understand chenle's pain, y/n's confusion, their complicated love for each other. i don't think words can describe how special this story is to me.

this.... became a lot longer than i anticipated and IM SORRY FOR RAMBLING ON ABOUT THE SAME THREE FICS OVER AND OVER OSBFOWRGO but seriously tho, i genuinely love everything you put out, keep up the hard work💗

(i think this is the longest ask i've ever sent lol)

i treat writing as my therapy session so maybe thats why the characters are always so raw- NO but omg this is such an honor bc i really focus more on the characters than the plot i think and i really try to develop them really well and stuff and i focus a lot on the feelings and emotions so >:((( i am so happy that you like that about my writing !!!

the paradox is that i HATE reading angst. like if its in a long fic where its mixed up i dont mind and i think its important to have angstier parts in a long fic too but if its a drabble and its angsty i just won't read it LMAOOO

when nobody's watching was such a spontaneous fic istg i wrote it in what. two days? at uni LMAO. i got the idea when i was like,, watching this guy from afar and then i realised i ALWAYS DO THIS like i always have those silly crushes on ppl and never tell them bc im scared but i care so deeply for ppl that dont even know i exist 😭😭😭 but also i find that i used to change myself a lot to fit into social circles and even tho uni was really lonely for me at first that i kinda let go of that the same way renjun did so it was definitely cathartic to write :,)

honestly to this day idk how i even managed to write two people. like i think its the only fic i have thats about adult mature ppl LMAO all my other fics are like college aus and shit. like where did all of that pain and angst even come from ???? but i am so glad u liked it, i didnt expect ppl to enjoy that kind of fic >:((

DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON POTENTIAL why are my best fics always the most spontaneous. its literally like in my top 5 fav fics ive ever written so i am insanely happy that you like it sm !!! <33 chenle's character in this fic is insanely personal to me also :,) the readers and his dynamic is also one of my favs ive ever written,, idk idk theres just something about this fic...

i am really honored to recieve this in my inbox its so sweet of you and i definitely appreciate it a LOT hope you dont mind me rambling about the fics i just enjoy talking about my writing :,)

[termagax]

YOOOO confession hour again? i think last time i talked about my weird thing with my straight friend im super physically close/cuddly with and how i kind of would totally have been down to fuck him but hes straight and has a girlfriend. WELL. (inhales deeply)

i ended up spending a weekend at his place so we could go to this weekend event together and i was sleeping in his bed w him and well i shant get into the details but we did end up having sex. like. three times. AND I COULD NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME figure out why he actually did any of it bc i thought the sexual tension stuff was all in my head and i mean i Am trans (ftm) but ik he sees me the same as any of our other guy friends and he doesnt like dudes at all. overall it was driving me insane (plus flipped some weird horny switch in my brain) for like two weeks i swear.

anyway i spent this past saturday night at his place too and we kind of fucked again but like bcos of the time we had both had to think about the last time it was a lot more sort of immediate "whyyy did we do that" bcos both of us knew damn well it was a bad idea already. and now i just feel super weird about it lmao. i kind of am so super tempted to ask if he would be okay with a sort of FWB arrangement because while i do still view him purely platonically i am also very into him physically and. sex with him was really fucking nice LMAO but also i am 99% sure he wouldnt be cool with any sort of ongoing thing bcos of his current relationship. i mean im friends with his girlfriend too and i think she would understand the way its not like a romantic/emotional thing for me but also she probably still doesnt want one of her friends fucking her boyfriend. and i dont want to fuck up our friendship by letting him Know that i still think about fucking him all the time and would do it again no hesitation LOL. im just losing my fucking mind (in a gay and horny way) basically. anyway SORRY for the giant wall of text in your inbox but i needed to yell about this a little bit. what getting dicked down does to a mfer 😔

GOOD LUCK WITH ALL THAT. if you want my advice its better to talk about it and set expectations than just continually keep fucking (esp if his gf isnt in the know) and regretting it. seriously good luck though godspeed

[trombone-ram]

gonna ramble about boytoy on here bc i rly wanna keep talking abt him but i dont wanna annoy my friends lmao ik they love me n are happy ive got someone im into but im on my obsessive bullshit againnnn kms lmao

2nd date was a rly nice time!!! and like its been a fucking minute since ive been physically intimate with anyone let alone like emotional intimacy and to be fair and not insane, we've still got a lot of getting to know each other but hes been so sweet?? like genuinely so sweet and considerate and i??? was not expecting it honestly, like ive never rly been with a man before and i dont like to make generalizations, i have male friends who are so lovely and compassionate, but tbh most of them are queer, i can think of like one (1) straight male friend that im close to and makes me feel safe lmao. but this guy, i immediately felt comfortable with him and that i could be myself and be weird and corny n shit and he'd be into it lmao and its been rly nice like he held space for me to kind of vent about what ive been going through lately (its been some shit yall) and he was v kind and comforting abt it and???? idk it feels like he wants me to rly open up to him and it feels safe to????

im trying to stay cool and not come on too strong or put too many emotions out there bc i dont wanna scare him and i've done that before with people, ive gotten rly invested in ppl and gotten the rug pulled hard and im honestly scared abt that happening again. like when it happened there was all this physical intimacy and things she said that made me think she wanted more and then she actually didnt and im honestly terrified thats gonna happen with him because i didnt expect it last time, it felt this close last time and then it actually wasnt and it broke my brain. she and i worked it out and we're cool now but it was such a shock and im so scared about getting invested too much too fast and then getting the rug pulled again. like theres been like really connected physical intimacy like he held my hand when we were making out and when we were fucking it was so sweet and i???? i'm so scared to read more into everything im trying to just take him at his word and not get caught up in the physical intimacy but he seems to be really like dedicated to making sure i feel comfortable with him and cared for?? and i do?? and im just scared it doesnt mean as much to him as it means to me because it means a fucking lot like its been so long since i could just relax with a partner and not worry if im doing enough for them or if they need anything or how to maintain their emotional stability like i feel like can just relax around him and its so nice and im just scared that its not as important to him as it is to meeeeee ughhh

he said he likes how easy going i am and that a lot of people around him are high strung and he feels like he can be himself around me too so like i think theres something there but again last time she said a lot of shit that made me feel special and then it turned out i wasnt so??? i really dont know it seems weird to be so like sweet and open and caring if theres nothing substantial behind it?? and he said he wasnt ready for a relationship which i agree with like i dont think im ready either?? but i know i really like him and i could maybe see us making it work it just sucks bc we both live w our parents and he's an hour away in another town so idk how practical it really is???? but i also know i dont wanna see anyone else and i frankly dont want him seeing anyone else, like if we take the non-monagamy route thats fine i can chill w it and there are other people id be open to meeting but honestly if i dont have to i dont want to lmao. i dont think he realizes he could lock me down right now if he wanted to because he popped the 'what do you want from this' question while we were on shrooms lmao and thats not the best time to get coherent answers from me abt things, my brain is mush and making sentences is hard when im on them so i wasnt able to explain myself as well as i wouldve liked but i think i made it clear i rly like him and wanna see where this goes so???? im not gonna pop the exclusivity question until like date 5 or so i think bc im really not trying to rush this even if i want toooooo ughhh

and goddamn that boy can fuck im????? so horny and so horny for himmm its fucking annoyingggg especially since he said he was busy this week :(( like boy idc ill hang at ur place til u get home and rail me chain me up in ur room for all i fucking careeee i feel like im in fucking heat its crazyyy i want him to dom the shit out of me and i wanna be a crazy brat to him and im gonna be such a menaceeeee i wanna make this mans life a living hell is the sexiest way possibleee bc i know I Know if i rile him up he will absolutely destroy me and i want that so badddddd

[cryoriku]

hey you know it's really awesome and cool when ur a grown adult and after getting in a fight with ur mother who still insists on disrespecting and mocking you at any chance, ur adoptive father who has only ever been a source of fear since you were very little calls and instead of screaming at you he's very level and is legitimately concerned about my mental state.

some of his takes are still very shitty. even tho i routinely try the pacifist approach with her she can't stop mocking me and disregarding my boundaries and he acknowledges how aggressive she can be, he still puts the burden on me to be better and suck it up for the sake of maintaining a relationship (which is bs. both sides need to work or i shouldnt have to put up with it after all the abuse i dealt with as a child). and he thinks i need to just get back on meds which is such a backwards stereotype way of thinking that isnt accurate bc i stopped my last new meds bc they didnt really do much for me and gave me bad side effects.

it makes me feel like shit and embarassed now for being depressed and like all the efforts i have been making on getting out of my apartment more often and eating healthier and stuff arent being seen and just the worst of me is. it sucks too bc our mental health took a new redive after one of our ex's told us how we seem to not want to get better. which is an insanely fucked up thing to say and not worth listening to so we have tried to just ignore it but it haunts us still along with toxic ex friends whove talked about how pathetic and disgusting we are for being mentally/emotionally weak. which is wrong and bullshit and hirrible and WE HAVE gotten better before we want to be better again we're sick of living in a rollercoaster we want to be ourselves again 100% of the time and not just some of it, but believe it or not it's hard to keep your head above water much less swim to shore when people are constantly shoving you back down and wondering why youre not succeeding in breathing. dont you see how hard I'm trying?

plus with our dad it just gives us a fucked up moral dilemma of ik how estranged and distant his family is like theyre allergic to showing courtesy or affection and he was raised to be a good mannered cowboy and just sit and take when his mother does him wrong because it's family and he doesn't wanna lose it, so the same is true here, but I've already had it in my head for years that at some point i may have to cut ties. I'm just fucking caught. I'm trapped by the good moments we have, the good aspects of my parents and my sister. I'm caught by the fact my dad doesnt have a close family and everybody in my moms family has that same genetic ego that makes everyone think theyre better than everyone else or made them isolate and hide and die from drug overdoses alone in their bathroom. I'm caught by my baby niece who i don't want to leave alone with these people. I'm caught by my dog and grandma, until they pass, anyway. I'm caught by the stupid child in me who still *craves* a mother, *craves* a father, craves this idea of a family i never really had except in blurry photos if you dont look too close.

any fucking ways..... if anybody is able to get a therapist who can actually help me and not waste a year of my time trying to put me on drugs because they dont know how to do shit with systems and trauma to actually email me back, that would be epic.

i also want everyone reading this to stop seeing people as only their struggles or their trauma or their disability and start seeing them as PEOPLE with personalities and likes and interests first. believe it or not we don't think about our trauma or hardship a lot of the fucking time and it's real weird and a total fuckin bummer if thats all you seem to see. so, yeah.

have a happy sexy naughty bitchy sephiroth labor day guys

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

over on the horny sideblog (well. the hornier sideblog) i reblogged a rare edizzy piece (and uh, warning/disclaimer abt that art and fic here) and now i am thinking abt what The Canon Edizzy Dynamic is. to me. BIG warning for mentions of dubcon/noncon

general stuff abt ed and izzy's relationship that i think is pretty strongly supported by canon:

izzy did not meet ed until blackbeard was already well established. more on that take here.

at the beginning of the show izzy is like the only person ed has regular conversations with. izzy takes advantage of this and will stretch the truth sometimes when giving ed reports.

during the kraken era ed's isolation from the crew gets even worse. izzy is practically ed's sole source of any sort of human interaction that isn't violence.

ed and izzy were never physically or emotionally intimate. izzy thinks he understood ed and they had some unspoken deep bond (more on that take here) but in 2.01 he realizes that ed is not nearly as invested in their relationship as he is, and in 2.03 he realizes that what he felt for ed is not even close to what stede feels for ed.

some more headcanon-y (but still supported by canon) stuff about their pre-canon dynamic:

ed chose izzy to be first mate firstly bc he knew izzy did not have what it takes to be a captain. izzy's not charismatic enough to lead ppl and nobody's gonna follow izzy in a mutiny against THEE blackbeard. izzy also does not know enough about sailing to be able to make decisions about navigation and whatnot.

the other big reason ed made izzy his first mate is bc ed is very familiar w guys like izzy and he knows how to deal with them. mean older white guy with very specific ideas about what it means to be a man?? ed was rasied by a guy like that. ed's first captain was a guy like that. ed can handle izzy just fine. and if izzy is a bit of a dick and is constantly being an ass to him, well, ed's used to that too. he can take it.

ed being isolated from his own crew is not something izzy masterminded on his own to keep ed under his control so much as it's something ed gradually started doing out of very reasonable distrust of other pirates and not wanting to be seen as vulnerable. if the crew sees him laughing and hanging out they're gonna realize that the legendary blackbeard is just a normal ass guy and anyone can easily build a name for themselves as The Guy Who Killed Blackbeard. also ed isolates due to depression.

like i said before tho, izzy definitely takes advantage of the situation. ed relies on him for info and izzy does not always present info truthfully.

when ed does talk to other ppl in his crew it is not a casual friendly conversation, it's ed talking to an employee. the only time ed gets to actually have a conversation w someone who doesnt work for him is when he runs into jack or any other pirate friends he might have from before he became blackbeard. this doesnt happen often.

so ed is kinda starved for just like. a friend. and izzy is the only person he talks to. but izzy always maintains this air of like, "i am a loyal first mate doing my duty to my captain" whenever they're talking even if ed's just trying to have a drink and relax with him. it gets exhausting for ed.

the only time izzy isn't talking to ed like that is when izzy is bitching about something. this is just pure headcanon time but i think sometimes ed would intentionally wind izzy up just to get him to drop the "yes sir blackbeard" shtick for a minute.

what im saying is that for years ed's main options for socializing were people falling over themselves to obey him, his first mate talking to him like a robot, or his first mate calling him an insane and unpleasant twat who would be dead a million times over if it weren't for him.

now here's what i think is going on with izzy, disclaimer that this is pretty firmly just headcanons bc canon does not rlly confirm a hwole lot abt this guy lol:

izzy is strictly attracted to men.

izzy has a very rigid mental framework regarding what he thinks being a man means. i personally don't care enough about izzy to come up with a rich backstory to explain this, to me it's just "ex british navy, became a pirate in his 30s," so his standards of masculinity are very much informed by ahistorical ofmd british society. that doesnt rlly matter at all tho, the only thing that's important is that izzy has some very weird ideas about what it means to be a man.

those ideas are basically just glorifying power and thinking the best expression of power is through violence. also rejection of things that are feminine, soft, or emotional. rejection of vulnerability, and also rejection of open expressions of sexuality.

like, yknow how some ppl's idea of masculinity includes having a lot of sex with women? well bc izzy's gay that doesnt work for him. he is ashamed of his desire for men so his idea of idealized masculinity does not include openly expressing attraction. the calico jack style of openly bragging abt his sexual exploits does not apply to izzy.

izzy's repressed attraction to men and his belief of power and violence as the true measure of manhood have combined in his brain. the thinks men expressing brutal violence is hot. he's attracted to power.

like mostly i think izzy gets horny for being overpowered by a stronger man. it's like, he's not supposed to want to have sex with men, but if a stronger and more powerful man forces himself on izzy then it's not izzy's fault.

essentially: izzy wants ed to violently top him.

also tho i DO think that izzy can top. i think he'd top if some tougher guy was like, telling him to do it (altho that would also shatter his concept of how sex works bc izzy's very top=dom and sub=bottom). i do think izzy also would be turned on by being the more "powerful" one during sex, especially if he thinks he's overpowering a man who should be overpowering him.

ed:

is not attracted to izzy

is horrified by his capacity for violence

subconsciously desires approval from izzy bc izzy reminds him of his dad. this is not something i think ed ever realizes about himself in canon but there's a LOT to play with there in fics.

ed would only top izzy if he was in a deeply unhealthy headspace leading up to it. topping izzy the way izzy wants to be topped would reinforce ed's belief that he's a monster and would essentially be a form of emotional self-harm for ed.

so like the way i see it. canon dynamic edizzy smut is either izzy topping from the bottom and trying to incite ed to do horny violence towards him and ed hating every second of it, or it's izzy taking advantage of ed and ed seeking izzy's approval. either way tho ed is having a Very Bad Time

oh and also daddy kink. like rlly fucked up, deeply unhealthy daddy kink.

.