#like i dont think theyre the same thing... both are made from oats but like

[caluski]

ive made myself hot chocolate wine. hot wine chocolate maybe. its mostly hot chocolate and some wine... i only added a little because i havent made hot wine in a long time now, i was worried id evaporate the alcohol and make it gross. but it turned out fine and its good, maybe next time ill make some with spices. maybe replace oat milk with some other one... i think cashew might be good, maybe if i spot it on sale somewhere. with cinnamon maybe, with slices of orange? orange matches both chocolate and wine, why wouldn't it work with both at the same time. i wish i could spend an hour or so in the kitchen, making different infusions that i could try with someone else. its always so much more fun to try new things with another person.

i dont really mind drinking alone, since i already usually do it while watching something or writing. but i do really really miss drinking coffee or tea with other people. i miss talking to people so very very much. i talk so much.. if one somehow hasnt figured it out yet from the absolute fucking abundance of long posts on my blog, but i really do love talking. my big problem is that i talk so much, that my hot drinks cool down before i get to take a sip or two. im really horrible at keeping that balance between being caught up with the conversation and drinking. although i never really have much to say, i keep repeating the stories ive already told a million times before, and i say silly stuff, and i complain about a lot of things, and i get sidetracked constantly. not really in like, adorable or quirky way, i can imagine it must be annoying for the other people in the conversation, especially when i get too excited and interrupt people and dont listen very well. i think its one of those things i wanna improve about myself.

yesterday, as i was walking home through the centre of the city, i was horribly in need of coffee, it was so cold and i was in a good mood, and i only had weak green tea that morning, and since it was still pretty early in the day, the cafes had some free spots. but i walked in, looked around, and walked out. its like everything reminds me of loneliness these days, and when i got inside, tables were all taken by couples or groups. i dont think it was a sign of anything, but it made me so awfully bitter. i know loneliness doesnt make me special, i know literally everyone experiences it to some degree, but god, it really hurts to look around and see that despite everything, people always have someone out there. a best friend, a significant other, family member, whatever.

theres that stupid thing everyone always repeats, "theres always someone out there who loves you, even if you dont know about it". i used to hold onto that desperately, but its so dumb. unrealistic and dumb. it makes you hope that maybe right now youre alone, but once you'll be at your rock bottom, SOMEONE will magically show up and say, i care for you, and i will be by your side to support you, or whatever. but then you hit the rock bottom and theres nothing, or better yet, someone you had hoped would stay with you suddenly says "i have anxiety and seasonal affective disorder, i cant be around you or ill get worse, too", and you dont want them to get worse because of you, of course you dont. theyre being reasonable, and you know that, and you cant do anything about it. even if you do guilt-trip them into staying, would that even really help, if they resented you for it secretly for the rest of their life.

a week ago or so ive walked into a cafe, as well, but i got so overwhelmed that i had to pretend to look around which tables are free, and left right away. just brought in mud and puddles, probably, since it was such a snowy day. i worry that one day ill be better, but i wont be able to step foot inside a cafe anymore, because it will remind me of nothing but the days when it was just me and self-loathing. not that i can really afford cafes anymore, but i cant think about that now. or worse, that ill never get better, and ill never get to experience it again, the presence of another person by my side, having coffee or tea or desserts, and talking and laughing and maybe even flirting. that thought makes me nauseous, but i know its likely. it kind of sounds like not much to wish for, but it feels almost too perfect to ever be possible - not only to have money for that in the first place, but also a person who cares for you enough to want to be around you, to want to talk to you or listen to you, a person who wont tell you "we can go out, but i have only an hour" and then leave after 20 minutes because it turns out in that hour was included their ride back home.

i keep thinking, one day ill find someone, one day i wont be lonely anymore and then ill let it all out of my system. but i know its silly, because by the time ill find someone, ill forget how to really be a person, how to have a conversation. i talk to myself a lot, in my head, but its not enough, it doesnt really feel like anything. i write a diary, i write short stories, i write posts on this stupid blog, but nothing feels like talking to another person, and its awful. my memory is far worse, i stutter more and more with each passing year, im being more and more awkward in such an uncomfortable and humiliating way, that it only makes my brain scream at me to shut up forever. i know why my family doesnt want to talk to me, im more unpleasant than ive ever been. i know its unfair to be blaming them for not wanting me around; they stopped asking about anything, recently, because i cant stop crying whenever they start the topic of job search. i cry too much these days. i had to stop showing up to my favorite grocery store, because theyve seen me too many times all wet-eyed. and i cant help it anymore! i know im still human, i know im not a victim, i know my suffering isnt greater than anyone else's. but something has changed and i cant imagine getting better, anymore. or at least going back to who i used to be. theres no hope anymore! and if theres no hope for me anymore, what do i do? "just surviving" isnt neutral, its horrible, its painful, its a nightmare. i dont want my life to look like this. i dont know what to do anymore. and ive said it a thousand times, i know, but its the only thing i have floating around in my useless empty head. i miss hope. i miss believing that i could still be happy, one day. and i know that was stupid, too, i can see it now, but at least it was something to hold onto.

i miss being around people. i miss it so much. i miss talking to people so horribly. i miss laughing and i miss being held. i dont need all this cortisol. i dont want to forget what it feels like to not be alone. but the more i want it, the more out of reach everything feels, the more unrealistic even the simplest things seem. i might as well be dreaming of living in alternate universe fanfiction.

[dullhoe]

why is oatmeal such a shitty thing but kaerahelbepuder good as helck

[puppyboy]

pedophilic culture is the reason why i starve myself every day of my life, and i dont know if i mean i honestly dont know if ill ever be able to change this! to live differently…not even by being fully aware that men’s cruelty is the literal only reason why i think this is the body that i should hav and why i go to the lengths that i go to in order 2 keep it this way like im the prepubescent bitch in an art film 2 minute silent sequence. i vomit on everything that charms men. i vomit on the concept of charm. women hav 2 turn themselves into children to charm them bc children are so charming but u can still discipline them , im so disciplined and im like so charming i can b so charming. like a child thats like discipline charm discipline and its just monstrous and i think even more so if like me u naturally already had some infantilized aspects about u, bc then it can only get worse from then and ur the one who has to make it worse and worse. cant say im not making my own bed cant say im a puppet but adulthood is teaching me that life for women is a taxidermy performance and that u have to kill yourself to remain a certain age and state and then preserve and preserve urself, ur corpse just to take the blows or lack of blows which is in a sense the very same thing. and thats it thats life.

it is many things but it is not an exaggeration, it sounds like one even to my own ears sometimes but i mean ill most likely never be able to put food, and i mean not a single cookie inside my mouth, without feeling anxious to the point of hysterics simply from pondering about what it will do to me and without calculating what ive done or not done to earn it and what i will have to do to compensate for it. i have anorexia and orthorexia. blah blah who doesnt bitch? and its bc, like..idk? history decided that superfluous bitchy fuckface ancient greek materialism made sense and it like. will define most of our entire world;s psyche up until the glorious day when it blows up!. we have actual real pathologies that determine our entire quality of lives. bc of men. men are killing my literal actual body. i havent menstruated in all of 2017 bc men are killing me u know when theyre like wOw. u loo k like a little angle how do u look like this ? and like ur not even allowed to say it even then, i mean especially not then, bc all of this is just so that they can hav that little moment. when insted of being like oh well i dont eat 5 days a week. i faint from hunger and cry from hunger and cry from guilt after eating. insted of that ur like haha idk every body is different balance and consistency and whatnot and almond milk is just so much better than soy milk which is so much better than cow milkand also btw daddy did u know that i read proust and anais nin like a little bitch ?? i hate them both so far but i hate u more. thats what u do in that moment bc i mean it wouldnt really make sense to suffer so muchjust to rat out on yourself after all and anyway i hav no clear concluding thot for this its one of my eating days and i have a lot of hw. im gonna do it and hav granola. ana tip if u binge healthily like on yogurt and oats its like way less stressing