#like i cannot be walking there esp at 5 am

[lovevalley45]

i have to say as i wrote the thing with haley waiting for hugo/emery to get into town i was like we gotta suspend our disbelief for a moment bc i’ve been looking at trains n buses to get from my college town to my hometown and all the times are so insanely bad like

[huellitaa]

hello hello huelittaa 👋✨ do u have any tips for someone struggling with motivation to workout? or even to take a simple walk? thank uu 🤍

bee's physical activity handbook: motive 🎀 . ݁₊ ⊹

hiiii ml!!!!!!!! 🫶🏻🩷💗 sorry this has been sitting in my inbox for a few days BUT IM HERE NOW !!!!! honestly this is something i also struggle with myself ,, i am still recovering from depression personally so this is still difficult for me sometimes too but these are some things i do !!!! ♡

🧁𓂃 ࣪˖ 1. prepare urself for the possibility

so since i know i have this problem a lot, it helps me to be prepared for this in advance. i actually have a whole notion page filled with a table of letters to myself in specific situations i find myself in a lot, this included, and have a whole archived stored of cute photos and motivation and things like articles and videos and tumblr posts on the main page and in the letters that make me wanna get up and do shit and its my LIFESAVER. (should i make a post on this?)

but i'd suggest to keep a note or page or document , physical or digital, filled with just motivation for this specific thing, like things you like about it, photos romanticising working out or going outside, songs that motivate you, etc etc etc. the list goes on but you get the point ♡

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 2. detective chapter: analysis! ♡

figure out why you dont want to. this is the main thing that helps me and its so simple but once u figure out the root u figure out the rest and this applies just the same here too. is it laziness? mental health? exhaustion? overworking? burnout? you won't be able to continue until you haven't found the actual problem. it's like trying to travel with no path to travel on.

💭𓂃 ࣪˖ 3. pep talk!

one thing i do that helps me the most is literally just lay in bed or wherever you are where ur procrastinating and thinking about this over and over and going back and forth whether to do it or not is to force the thoughts out (literally. u can envision it if it helps!) and deadass bully myself into doing it 😭😭

(🗒🎀 note: i've also found it helps for some people to do this in the mirror, just so ur face to face w urself as it were. plus u get to admire urself at the same time so its a win all around)

if ur not into harsh motivation, another thing i love, esp when im not feeling great enough to deal w harsh motivation is pretend ur giving advice to a friend or ur child in this position. this is one of the greatest pieces of advice ive ever gotten i literally cannot stress this enough. do this‼️ p.s. you can do this in ur head or out loud. i usually do some mix of both because i am a professional at talking to myself constantly literally all the time

🧁𓂃 ࣪˖ 4. use gratitude in ur favour!

one thing i like to do is essentially guilt trip myself into doing it. erm. you can also call this gratitude it sounds a lot better. think of how grateful you are to even have the opportunity to go outside safely to go for a walk, to be able to work out and keep urself healthy, because there's always someone who's not going to be able to do those things. it is a privilege to live your life and this should be classed as one too.

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 5. all about the outlook

another thing i love that falls into the category of motivation is treating it as an act of love and luxury rather than a chore and changing ur outlook on it. for example,

"oh, i have to do this or i'm a failure" or "i really don't want to do it today"

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ into...

"i deserve to do this for myself because i deserve to be taken care of and kept in good health."

and i find this makes me so much more open to it because you do deserve it.

🧸𓂃 ࣪˖ 6. romanticism; obviously!

okayyyy i know you hear this EVERYWHERE but ‼️its‼️because‼️its true‼️ romanticism is my LIFE not a day goes by where i dont act like im a silly girl in a pink girly shoujo world, and i do this even more so when i dont wanna get up and do simple tasks like this.

some things that give me motivation via romanticism is getting dressed up and cute even if i'm just going for a walk and listening to music and appreciating the world (🗒🎀 note: i love taking pictures or going on different routes whenever i go for walks! it makes the experience so much sweeter and more enjoyable ♡), or putting on cute clothes, loud music and grabbing a pretty waterbottle and hyping myself up to do even just 10 mins of pilates because something is always better than nothing!!!!!!!!!!!

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 7. something is better than nothing

with the last note from my previous point in mind, try and always do just a little bit, even if it's not the amount you intended. say you wanted to workout for 20 minutes every day, but you really weren't feeling it today? do 10 instead. this way ur still doing something. we always have tomorrow. take it at ur own pace. you wanted to go running every day? just go for a walk. you can always try again. there is no limit on how many attempts you have with these things. this is always better than just doing nothing at all. this is basically finding the middle ground when you do these things. which leads me onto my final point ,,♡

✨️𓂃 ࣪˖ 8. finding the middle ground

the no.1 thing in all of this is please don't beat urself up for it if you don't feel like it sometimes, but still keep to it as best as possible. say for example you really didn't want to one day but you had no real reason not to, you should still do it. but if your emotional or physical health or anything like that is in a bad place right now, then allow urself to skip for a day or two. dont beat urself up over it, but keep to it when and where you can because i know its difficult sometimes ♡

all my love, and u got this!!!!!!!!!! 🩷🫶🏻💬💗🎀

[journalsouppe]

Casltevania (NES)!! Omg i loved this game so much, but that shouldn't be surprising since The Adventure of Link is my fourth favorite TLOZ game ahdjfskl

I wanted to test the waters with the series early but plan to actually start my playthrough once I finish my Zelda journal which will be sometime this year. I also want to try a new journaling style with using fountain pen art but I'm still experimenting with pens and the style itself so don't expect spreads to look like this in the future lmao

The journal is from Copticore on Etsy!! I also made a post reviewing the journal (it's one of my favorites that I own ^-^)

Writing typed below!

Rating: 8.5 Played: Fa 2023 Port: Steam, Anniversary Edition Language: English

Comments:

LOVE the music

hehe pot roast

really enjoying the gameplay

i have no idea why the chest spawned in stage 5

evil that I cannot set an item to a button and have to press up plus whip

it's always the damn flying enemies T^T

trying to understand the family tree/timeline

these environments fuck!!! T^T <3

I really like both of simon's designs

love the stained glass with medusa

i like how simon and the early belmonts have an iconic walk

(switched to energel due to dip ink bleed)

the pride of frankenstein sounds so cool

the grim reaper hallway is so long T_T_T

NOT THE MEDUSA HEADS T-T-T-T

DAMN THE HOLY WATER DESTROYED IGOR AND FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER

i forgot hearts are tied to items T_T

death is so hard T_T

really loved the video that went over the history of this game's speed runs

THE COGS ROOM IS SO COOL

oooo i like how similar the thunderbird and dracula boss fights are

omfg dracula's head in the floor

DRACULA'S DEMON FORM IS CRAZY LOOKING

i can't express enough how much i love the ost - I bought i vinyl of it ^^;

CHRISTOPHER BEE, BELO LUGOSI, BORIS KARLOFFICE, LOVE CHANEY JR... SCREAMING T^T <3<3

absolutely love this game so much

Summary:

To start: I am still figuring out a journaling style so all my early spreads will be a little rough. That being said, I love this game so soosossososo much. This is everything my little universal horror heart could ever want. I knew I'd enjoy the gameplay since I really loved the gameplay of TAOL but the monsters and level design and music just made me have even more fun than i was expecting. The game is very straight forward and nowhere near as cryptic as TAOL, both are very charming but at least you can play castlevania without a guide. The environment designs are unbelievably gorgeous. I would love to draw them someday. I really liked not only Simon but his mechanics. He has a slow, burly gait and wields a whip-- very different from Joust moving link with his sword (joust the game). It ensures you aim your whip properly as enemies have to maintain contact with the end of the whip. The boss fights were also diverse design and attack wise, it was nice trying to figure out new strategies. I loved so much about this game, I just gave it an 8.5 since there's no major story. However, I love that this game was a catalyst for the whole series plus anime adaptations. I am sooo excited to play more of the series, esp Super Castlevania IV!

[hughungrybear]

Me watching Dangerous Romance Ep.7:

1. I'm excited! Who's excited? We'll finally know the aftermath of the kiss. I mean, after Kanghan explicitly told Sailom that all he feels for him is guilt, how would he explain the kiss??? 😤😤😤

2. Waaaaait, hold up. Is grandma sick??? Also, Sailom is back in Kang's house eating dinner with the family but the two still seems a whole lot of awkward with each other. 😶

3. Oh, so Kang and Sailom didn't get to talk? Dammit, Guy and Auto. Also, that's no fair, Kang - telling Sailom you don't want to see him with anybody else but still have not retracted the part that all you feel is guilt and pity for him.

4. I almost forgot that they have connected bedrooms via a shared bathroom. Oooh, the possibilities lol 😅😅😅

5. Kang: "Give it to me straight". Me: "He can't. He is gay/bi." 😂😂😂 Yeah, I'll see myself out 😅😅😅

6. I laughed when Kang asked if Sailom wants to be his boyfriend. I mean, really? Really? Just the previous episode you were ready to punch Sailom for breaking Pimfah's heart and has also broke his heart in the process. No apologies? No backsies?? WTF. 😭😤

7. It's awfully quiet back there that if I'm the car driver, I would be suspicious 😂😂😂 Also, look at Kang's smile when Sailom opened the (bathroom) door for him.

8. Okay, Kang being completely honest about his feeling for Sailom is 😭😭😭😭 but his way of flirting is 😅😅😅😅😅 .

Guys, I died laughing. I already ascended to heaven (or descended to hell, am not really fussy about these things lol)

9. On the bright side, having Kang as a boyfriend means Sailom (and his friends) will never be hangry as he kept buying food/feeding Sailom tasty treats lol

10. Oooh, so Kang decided to start gaining Sailom's friends' trust by bringing them food? What are Guy and Auto, alley cats??? Lol.

11. Oh no! Grandma, be well 😭😭😭 Why were you lifting heavy objects? You are rich! Call someone to do it for you next time 😭😭😭

(Sidenote: My Grandma did something similar. She went ahead and used a ladder to change a lightbulb in her house but the ladder collapse under her weight and she hit her hip. After that, her hip deteriorated as she did not go to a doctor because she didn't want to 'waste' money. She was never able to regain her ability to walk and had to use a wheelchair until she died.)

12. Lightning striking just as Saifah swearing that he will never manipulate Kang's grandma to buy him things is peak comedy 😂😂😂 Also, yeah I don't trust Saifah. No offence but he hasn't done anything (in this series) that paints him as trustworthy lol

13. I forgot that Sailom's fave dish is grilled fish and veggies. But how did Kang know? Lol. See, told you Kang is treating Sailom's friends like pets 😂😂😂 Ngl though, I would have eaten the snacks and still not trust Kang to pull a prank or two lol

14. Wait, did Pimfah really asked Kang or is that an excuse? Also did they tell Pimfah about what is happening them or did they just let her figure things out? 😑

15. I would ignore the fact that Kang raided Sailom's drawers (without asking, mind) to get that shirt, but focus on his relentless cheesy flirting in a public transportation lol

16. Another sidenote: I cannot believe, not even for a second, that Kang's noodle is NOT spicy. For better or for worse, authentic Thai food is almost always spicy even without the chilis. Lol. Also, not related to the plot or story, if it's available in your local Asian grocery and don't mind spicy food, try the MAMA and MAMA OK instant noodles (esp. the salted egg flavour).

17. Tbf, I don't think it is just the spicy noodles. I doubt Kang has any experience shopping in a crowded public market. I mean, as a kid, my mum also used to drag me to our country's Chinatown market (because that's where all the cheap goods are) to shop and hated every minute of it because of the crowd, the heat, and the smell of wet goods exposed under the hot sun.

18. Auto: "We are not down to earth. We are just dirt poor". Harsh, but extremely accurate lol

Also Auto: We don't mind that (Kang spending money on them). Throw it all you want. We're all for it. Throw it this way. Screw dignity! Keep throwing! Don't hold back! 😂😂😂😂

19. Kang's road to romance is a bit rocky. It's a given that Auto and (more specifically) Guy will have a difficult time trusting Kang after the bullying incident in the first episodes. However, Kang's friends are also bonafide a**holes, even without Kang's prompting. 😅

20. Where is my Guy and Nava ship??? I swear if GMMTV does this like they did TiwPor in MSP (as if an afterthought), I WILL RIOT. 😤😤😤

21. Wait a freaking minute. These are high school students. I'm not saying I was a saint at that age, but I drunk beer in the privacy of my friend's backyard lol. Pretty sure underage drinking in a public place like a bar is illegal even in Asia.

22. It turns out, Auto is the worst kind of drunk lol. Also, I believe Chimon when he said Sailom cannot dance. You'll understand if you have seen an episode of the School Rangers 😂😂😂😂

23. Uhm, Miss, stop grinding. He is gay. Lol.

24. I mean, alcohol is not the best relationship starter, but if it will set my GuyNava ship to sail, I will take it (as long as everything is consentual, ofc) 😅😅😅

25. See, it is illegal. But Auto, learn to run faster, gawd dammit. Also, what would happen to Kang? Will his father scold him? I highly doubt it since they have been painting the man as "doting" to the point that Kang cannot disappoint him because he does not expect anything great or good from Kang. However, this might ruin his political dreams, so we'll see.

26. The dad finally getting angry with Kang only because it can potentially ruin his election run is all kinds of messed up. 😑

27. At this point, Sailom has displaced Kang as the favourite grandson lol

28. Ugh, Saifah. What are you planning??? Don't ruin this for Sailom 😭😭😭😭

29. Oof. The cheerleader outfits are cute. They look like Sailormoon's transformation outfit. 😍

30. Why are you flirting in front of everyone's salad, Kang? 😅😅😅 You have a game to play. Focus. 😆😆😆

31. I know people have been pointing out the similarities between this series and BBS. I guess the true test of acceptance is when your bff learns to play well together with your (not-yet) bf in a football match 😂😂😂

32. Kang being anxious that Guy (and Auto) will never like him for missing that goal is 😔😔😔 Also, I commend Guy (and Auto) for being so sharp, it hurts lol. Unlike some "friends" (looking at you, Wai) 🙄

Officially boyfriends!!! Will Kang ramp up his cheesy flirting? Also, Saifah being on Ms Ging's medical team CANNOT be a good thing. The man is not above stealing from patients. I can smell trouble.

[justsomeoneunordinary]

Kakashi for this one? 👀

https ://at .tumblr .com /justsomeoneunordinary/send-me-a-character-and-ill-answer-these/vjolyf8nlo70

1: sexuality headcanon

that man is SO aroace, hands down. that doesn't even need an explanation, just look at him!

unless he's being railed by gai, in which case he isn't quite so ace anymore uwu

2: otp

kakagai kakagai kakagai kakagai kaKAGAI KAKAGAI-

3: brotp

in my heart, he and tenzou are brothers. he totally behaves like an older brother around him, esp when he's being a little shit lol, i just love their relationship so much

4: notp

never liked kakairu and never will. also used to be open for obikaka but i cannot see it anymore tbh. makes me sick nowadays. (but the naruto fandom def has a problem with tagging their ships properly bc i keep seeing so many notps all the time argh) honestly, i don't rlly ship kks with anyone except with gai. i find him very unshippable idk....

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

he's a biter. not the fanon hatake = wolves hc kinda biting bc i hate that hc (kishi didn't give us much but he gave us enough to conclude that hatake = farmers, not wolves or nomads ffs do ppl not at least google the names before they come up with hc's or what), but the as a child he used to bite anyone kinda thing, so his father gave him a mask and kks just never stopped wearing it. he still bites as soon as it comes off

6: favorite line from this character

i am terrible at rmbr'ing lines but when he meets team 7 and his reaction is "my first impression of you is... i hate you all" is the fucking funniest shit to me. first, he lets those 12yo kiddos wait for hours and then has the gall to tell them he hates them lmfao king shit i love him (also, what a lying liar. they're his kiddos and he loves them)

7: one way in which I relate to this character

slouch king <3 i too, can't walk or sit with my back straight. also, reading porn in public. relatable

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

lmao in shippuuden where he had to read a section out loud of his porn book and the line was literally just "i love you" but he practically died trying to say it, face red, sweat running down, stuttering and all that jazz acbsjfhsjfhdjfbajfb IT'S LITERALLY JUST I LOVE YOU, IT'S NOT EVEN SMTH SMUTTY FFS KKS YOU'RE A GROWN MAN!!! also the sheer amount of times he collapses bc of chakra exhaustion like pls king that's not normal, no one else pushes their chakra to the limit you fucking drama queen. i'll never forget that one time sakura sees him at ichiraku's and goes "oh, not in the hospital for once? that's new" lmfaooooo get recc'd. ALSO kks of the sharingan has copied over a thousand jutsu AND YET WE ONLY EVER SEE HIM USE CHIDORI!! BRUH WHERE ARE THOSE 1000 JUTSU, WHERE???!!! how abt you stop using that sharingan of yours that drains you so much of chakra just to copy jutsu that you then don't even intend to use, hmmmmm??? lmao he's a genuis but he's so dumb

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

neither? all village ninja's are basically the military of a fascist state, and all deserted ninjas are killers without actual permission to kill, so given the universe everyone is problematic. you could say bc he's one of the good guys he's the former but he's also such a loyal bootlicker (i love him but god kks the way he doesn't question the system at all even after everything that happened to him is so... acbjshdjsfh) so you could say he's problematic in that sense??? you can't rlly put any nart character into either of this category tbh

[imraespace]

HIHIHIEHEIHOHIHI DAILTCHEKCIN BUT IM LATER THAN USUAL. ‼️warning i yapped so hard‼️ ..

YES I AM.. still sick …. i am sniffling and coughing as im typign this but we thug it out

i had photography club afterschool so i went but when it was done my bus legit passed by the school so iw as like “.. 😐😐 i guess im taking a different bus.” BC THE NEXT BUS WAS IN 30 MINS?? so instead i took another bus BUT THIS BUS GOES TO THE MALL SO THEN IWAS LIEK OK I DONT REALLT HAVE HOMEWORK I JUST HAVE TO APPLY TO A WHOLE BUNCH OF THINGS SO I MIGHT AS WELL JUST GO TO THE MALL

i went to the mall and spent 94 dollars…!!!! we are not financially responsible enough to go out on our own i swear my mother is never going to let me go out ever again after this but she was fine when i spent 150 in a whole day ….. SO ITHINK ITS OK.

i bought food and then a bluelock manga (THE ARYU COVER NOW IM ONLY MISSING THE KUNIGAMI ONE AND THEN WE WAIT FOR WHEN THE OTHER MANGAS ARE AVAILABLE IN MY COUNTRY..) and then i bought more food (bubble tea yummy) and iwas gonna buy a pretzel but i got distracted went into a store and saw chikawa. iwas like woah its that one thing on like every tumblr blog and thought of buying a keychain UNTIL I REMEMBER THAT THIS IS A STORE WHERE EVERYTHING IS 15+ EVEN FOR A TINY KEYCHAIN SO I RAN OUT. and then i was gonna go home but i took the longest route to the terminal so i saw a few more stores and i saw the cutest sleep wear ever so i spent a good 30 mins standing there aggressively comparing the medium and large difference (it had basicallt no difference.) and intensely typing to my mother asking WHICH ONE DO I GET and three workers came by and was like “lady are you ok” and i was like NO. i didnt actuallt say no but i just smiled and was like “yup..!” and sipped on my very empty bubble tea cup.. in the end my mother said medium and dad said medium as well so i bought the medium

after i bought it i was thinking oh i should buy a pretzel or chikawa AND THEN I REALIZED IT WAS 6 PM SO I RAN TO THE TERMINAL CUZ IT WAS GETTING DARK SOON. like i love walks in the dark esp when its winter and its like very chilly and snow gets into ur eyeball and practically makes u blind and ure fighting for your life because the wind hates you and almost trip on a rock + almost miss ur bus 😛😋🤪😜😝 (100% totally didnt happen to me last year… totally…… that random car that saw and laughed never happened either….!!) but baywyas i live in the most weirdest area to the point that its concerning if im EVEN SAFE TO WALK HOME PROPERLY WITHOUT BEING LIKE “AM I GONNA GET ISEKAID AGAIN” OR GET JUMPED BY A RANDOM BIRD like honestly somstimes i wish my parents didnt move to canada so ill live my hashtag philippines life (muehheuheueh octopus is filipino 😈😈 we learn something new everydya) but i also cannot handle extreme heat BUT I CANT EVEN HANDLE THE COLD EITHER WITHOUT GETTING AN ALLERGIC REACTION THAT TAKES 4-5 HOURS TO CALM DOWN. my cold allergy never lets me rest.

im gonna start tweaking because i have two applications to get through for LITERAL CLUUUBBBSSSS NOT JOBS CLUBS AND BOTH OF THEM ARE LIKE “treat this as a job application” almost like idk how to apply to a job….!! whatever ill live my barista life another day and meet rin itoeshee and we hashtag fall in love over a latte i make for him because im just a hashtag egoist (this will never happen but we all dream) WATCH ME NOT EVEN GET JNTO ANY OF THE THINGS IM APPLYING FOR BUT WHATEVER 💔 jts okay i think ☹️

OKAYAYAYA DAILY QUESTION

which bllk character would spend more money than they actually have in their bank account leading them to be 69 dollars in debt

- 🐙

HAII LMAO TY FOR THE WARNINF

omg egoist/boss move.. honestly I hate being sick fr but it's also fun bc I like to be dramatic when I'm coughing or sneezing🤗

HELP NOT THE BUS LEAVIJF

YIPEE MALL TRIP!! yk the funny thing is I literally live like a 5 minutes away from a mall but.. I don't really go to it.. IDK WHY it's kinda boring tbh all thr good malls are IN THE CAPITAL and that's like hours away from me plus it's scary there so.. I'll stay here!

94 DOLLARS based of what you said abt Canada I used Canadian dollars to convert it to my local currency and apparently if you were using my currency you spent 474 dollars!! SO WHAT. I already cry when I spend over 200 dollars here.. but I haven't spent anything as yet so I have 500 dollars in my savings hahahheheheh🤫🤫

OMG ARYU I LOVE HIM I wanna go out and start buying manga bc I found a store that sells them but I have no where to place them. I NEED MY OWN ROOM UAGABDBAHS😒😒😒

omg sounds so yummy I want boba now

LMAO ON EVERY TUMBLR BLOG

15+ DOLLARS FOR A KEYCHAIN? IS IT BUYING ME FOOD??

LMAO not the worker checking on you at least your momma and pops helped you!!

walking in the dark sounds nice but can't do that here unless you don't wanna see the sunlight again! I walk from school to home sometimes when my momma can't pick me up and I'm always scared bc like once a man told me he was Jesus and he ordered me to give him a dollar HELP IT SOUNDS SO FUNNY BUT IT HAPPENED I was by the church so I walked back inside it HELP

OMG A NEW TRAIT OF 🐙!!

omg I hate the heat yet I live in a tropical island LAST YEAR IR HAD A HEATWAVE IT TURNED MY COLD WATER WARM AND MY AF WASNT WORKING EVERYTHING WAS SO MOIST. I don't think I was meant to be here I thought the caribbean life was gonna be on the beach drinking out of a coconut not melting in a puddle..

DANG YPU NEED AN APPLICATION FOR A CLUB?

LMAO BARISTA LIFE I'll be a background character witnessing the love while drinking my coffee with nagi!!

ITS OKAY IF THEY DONT TAKE YOU THEYRE JUST MISSING OUT ON A LITETAL EGOIST ENTERING THEIR LIFE!!

HELP talking abt nagi he would with all those games he plays

10/10 yap session I loved it

[anxiouspregnantlady]

bye bye baby

i think i've been afraid to write here, to make it feel real, but last thursday we had our u/s and discovered a 6+4 sac with a yolk sac (maybe an amniotic sac??? i think?) and - no baby. of course i feel grief & anger & numbness but also - the relief is unreal. it feels good to know.

so many thoughts.

i'll start with technical things... finally got an hcg done on sat and it was 15499 so more consistent with 6w. waiting on monday's value. had another ultrasound this morning and the sac shrank perhaps ever so slightly but otherwise same. they were (in my opinion) unreasonably concerned about ectopic b/c of a cyst on my right ovary but i always have a cyst on my right ovary and i'm not medical but .uh. isn't that the corpus luteum (also i happen to know that i ovulated from the right).

care-wise. i continue to be so grateful for LWC midwives, they have been absolutely lovely. both u/s techs have been ok. there is apparently a NP midwife at LWC who expressly does early pregnancy loss stuff (!) so i have felt medically taken care of.

i had an itch to want to see if i could do tissue testing on the miscarriage but am probably leaning away from it - too much trouble, worried about scarring, worried about billing (esp without good health insurance). i'll just never know.

i have a strong suspicion that an embryo did form this time, we just caught it too late and it had already stopped developing & had been reabsorbed. i was quite nauseous (still a bit nauseous) & we didn't get a yolk sac last time. and there looked to me like there was an amniotic sac, though it was empty. and it's just a hunch.

i've been so tired, both jetlagged but also just grief. at 5-6 pm i lose the ability to stay awake entirely. you couldn't pay me enough money to stay awake. i just lose consciousness wherever i am. and again after p "puts me to bed" at 8pm i cannot get myself out of bed and sleep for 15, 30, 45 minutes. And then when midnight rolls around i absolutely cannot sleep, i take melatonin, baths, etc. and p has been up at weird hours anyway, crying mama, mama, mama.

showing up to work has been ... well, it's been a miracle that i have been. i did cancel a thursday night appointment after the u/s but other than that i've been fudging my way through, trying not to let show how raw and bruised and completely depleted i am.

k has been wonderful. he is keeping me going. p somewhat understands what is happening. yesterday during bath she announced she had a baby in her belly, and then plucked it out and said she was putting it in mama's belly. she knows mama is going to the doctor a lot and always asks if i am still hurting. i told her the baby is gone. i don't know how to walk this line between being honest with her and protecting her. i kind of think that she must understanding the workings of embryonic life/nonlife better than me, being that much more proximate developmentally/spiritually. only a few years ago she was also in the womb! but she is generally still her happy, curious, thriving little self, and we keep thinking how depressed we would be without her.

sigh.

it was too good to be true.

i only asked the universe for one more baby.

i think, maybe even more than wanting to have this baby, i wanted to never ever ever have to fucking go through this again.

(but i did really want to have this baby)

i am back in the world of Not Knowing. i don't know how many more pregnancies i will have or how many tries it will take to have those pregnancies, or how many weeks each of the pregnancies will last. i still don't know! why! my! body! can't! carry most pregnancies to term!

k thinks maybe we were just too sick and stressed from all kinds of bugs (including covid) and from the 40 hours of travel and 13hr timezone changes and his loss of employment and loss of insurance. and that's why we miscarried. i don't think the line is so clear, but i think one big takeaway from this whole thing is: i need mothering. in my desire to mother another child (and in my struggle to mother the one i already have), i sorely need mothering. i need a warm, generous, wise, and proximate figure to be keeping tabs on me - i need to be on their radar - i need their hugs, hot drinks, meals, nurture, comfort, advice, solace, confidence, life experience.

so my body is still clinging to this pregnancy (coming up on 9 weeks), and i suspect it will be awhile before I start bleeding. maybe christmas.

and then?

and then we are definitely going to take a break. there is (just a bit) less hurry this time - we have our hands full - and i do want to develop some better habits re: nourishing myself, caring for myself. i've barely eaten in the past 5 weeks. and anyway we are going to wait for k to get a job and new health insurance, and we are focusing on some other dreams too.

and then i want to do a bit of testing, maybe a hysteroscopy/endometrial biopsy, a few clotting tests that we missed, re-check my thyroid, etc. have a WTF appointment w dr. kelly/make a plan.

and then we'll see. immediately after i got the news i felt strongly that i could never go through this again, or risk going through again. i felt that we would just have to walk the path of accepting that we were done growing our family. it felt good to be like, HELL yah we won't contribute to overpopulation or subject our unborn child to this mess. but that doesn't really resonate... i still really want to try. to have a child and to raise them so that it is worth it.

so many things hurt about this. hella everyone is pregnant or giving birth. i hate the dejavu with our first pregnancy, feels stuck/stagnant & like we are destined to be in and out of sad ultrasound appointments. feel like we wasted our trip.

[mosspapi]

Hm ok so I am Technically living in the hotel right. And the residence lady said I would be using the kitchen/laundry/whatever for the "real" residence side of the building (the part across the lobby thru the other doors). I assumed this was because there was no microwave and shit on this side. Well I was looking for the building hours again and this side DOES allegedly have a microwave. So now I'm like. Why can I not use it. Is it because they want it to be kept free/nice/whatever for the hotel guests? If so, do we think I'll get kicked out for using the microwave anyways. Because I miss having my magicbag at night but I cannot realistically walk all the way across the lobby thru 5 (yes, five) sets of doors every single night to use a microwave, esp considering the doors are loud as shit and I'd be waking up the other residents.

[kateyiswell]

Session 2: Positive Reframing

Last Friday, I went to my second session with my psychologist.

Our topic for that day is Positive Reframing.

It was a fun session. I get to turn my negative memories/feelings into positive perspective.

She asked me to remember most of my negative, the one that hurts me the most, so I can find the beauty on it.

One of the moments I told her is when you cancel our meet up plans na nandun na ako sa meet up place. I am disappointed but I just continued with what should we do. Watched movie, eat alone, enjoy the surrounding. Yes, I really felt alone pero I was able to savor the moment.

The best one is when you left/dumped me, I was really hurt and I thought I was alone in my battle.

Little did I know, I always have people behind me as my support system and loves me unconditionally, without pretentions, yung hindi nanunumbat, yung kahit may mali ako, willing silang tulungan akong maayos yun. Yes, may maririnig ako pero not in the condescending way na sobrang nakakababa ng self-worth.

I acknowledged I need help pala instead of repressing my emotion. I need to let it go for my own peace and sanity and I know I needed the right channel for that.

I might have cried during the session pero most of the time, nagtatawanan lang kami ni Doc.

Here are the other list of negative:

1. We plan to eat out pero isa lang yung naorder kong ulam. You walked out on me kasi ang tanga ko mag-order.

Positive effect: I enjoyed the food alone, wala akong ka-share.

2. During some of our Dampa days, mali yung luto ng food, you told me it’s my fault again. Sinigawan mo ako sa harap ng mga kasama nating kumain. I almost cry sa harap nila kasi you really made me feel like I am a stupid person.

Positive effect: You were blocked by most of them dahil dyan. I am still friends with the people we ate with.

3. You told me the shittiest things about how I handle my finances, like why I bought life plans, memorial place, eh ang bata ko pa

Positive effect: *knock on wood* I am prepared than other people, like you. Di ko alam kelan ang last day ko sa earth, but at least I am ready esp yung mga maiiwan ko.

4. You do not want me to travel with my friends, dapat tayo lang magtatravel na dalawa. Pero lagi mo akong sinisigawan sa byahe. You do not appreciate what I organized. I cannot take pictures kasi sayang oras. I cannot go where I wanted kasi ayaw mong puntahan. At ayaw mo ipaalam ko sa family ko na umaalis tayong dalawa

Positive effect: Now, I can go wherever I go, with whomever I want na talagang mababait, wiling magtake ng pictures namin, willing mag enjoy sa mga activities kasi di lang kami nakaupo sa sasakyan enjoying the view. Di na ako magiguilty na di ako nagpapaalam sa family ko. At least they will know where am I and sinong kasama ko.

5. Whenever I bought you food, hindi ka nasasarapan. Lagi mo akong sinasabihan, bakit yan inorder mo, next time, iba na lang.

Positive effect: Hindi na ako manlilibre ngayon ng mga unappreciative na tao. Tapos kapag bibilhan ko sina kuya mo and wife nya, sasabihin mo wag na lang, pero I insist. Mas appreciative sila sayo. Sana sila na lang binibilhan ko lagi.

6. You have Tinder and Bumble, talked to other girls and sometimes, went out with them behind my back. Minsan, sinasabi mo sakin. Madalas hindi. Nung nahuli kita, nagpalusot ka pa. You bought me microwave. But still you met another woman. Don’t know what you two did, di ka na nag elaborate. You don’t post me in your social media account, sabi mo lowkey and private lang relationship natin. Recently, you told me you were hanging out with someone else. Pero di mo masyadong bet. Then, I saw your FB post - pictures with another woman, the person you told me di mo bet, her arms around you, it shattered my heart into pieces and broke my self.

Positive effect: I confirmed, cheating is a non-negotiable for me. I learned that I need to walk away with guys who do not want to be committed with me. Thank you, ikaw na mismo yung gumawa ng paraan para mawala ka sa buhay ko kasi I was still fighting for a relationship na matagal mo na palang tinapos. Magaan na sa pakiramdam kasi di na ako confused lagi bago matulog. Lastly, thank you sa microwave, gamit na gamit namin ng family ko.

[alexanderoftirragen]

long rambling about nightmares under the cut ie (implied) csa tw

just got up from a had-an-exhausting—and-upsetting-parts-conversation fueled nap and i keep having this set of dreams/nightmares (not sure how to class them because they are more disturbing than what i might call a bad dream but also most do not quite rise to the level of nightmare. wgich i know means they are actually nightmares but whatever i have my little classifications) where i am a child in this house with my family (except my brother but he is outside), in one scene/dream i am looking through books and find some reference to an eye and then spend the rest of that dream terrified and squeezing my eyes shut and my parents are having a conversation about me that i can hear but i dont remember, in another scene i am looking from the brightly lit common space of that house into a dark narrow room that is my fathers and the window is open with wind pulling the curtains out and i feel a pull out and also downwards and i slam the door shut over and over again (in the real world i am hitting my mattress which i know because of course im like halfway to lucid dreaming but only enough to know that its a dream/have occasional awareness of my body in the real world but not enough to change the dream) but it wont close for good -> feeling is a mix of terror / anger / deep despair

then theres also a dream scene where i am at the bottom of a hilly driveway/path looking down at what is sort of the house from before but also sort of the house i lived in until i was 5, and again theres a sense of being pulled down but the feeling is more akin to loneliness/despair, like a feeling of quietly panicked resignation. its twilight and theres snow on the ground and no one else is there and there are no lights on

then there is a dream scene where i am with my brother on the sidewalk of a hill around dusk, we are playing a game(/doing a ritual in a kid game way) where we like welcome in the night or something, i go to the other side of the street where it is much darker and as i step into the shadows i start to get very scared, theres something i know that my brother doesnt, and my fathers presence comes into the dream at the top of the hill and i feel like i am going down into something black where he is watching me and although my brother is right there he cannot help me

and those just uh keep repeating sometimes multiple times in the same night (the last one happened at least 2-3 times today). the newest dreams in a long line of trauma dreams about physically going down into something horrible (not as bad as many of the others! ill take these over the previous iterations!)

& i had another dream (also a child in this one) that i was sleeping on the floor in a room off of a hallway that was only separated by curtains and a bunch of basketball players were walking by (lol??) and one or two of them came into the room or held open the curtain with the clear intent to assault me then or another time which well that needs no grokking thats just a reskin of real events

at some point also i was in the sports high school (one of 3-4 diff high schools my dreams put me in) and i was looking for the older kid who was nice to me in my kindergarten after school program haha, which makes sense because the part who has been upset the past few days is quite attached to the memory of him. and this feels like an adaptive dream to have like in all of these other dreams esp the ones i have had before theres no attempt to seek help just resignation so its good i think that my brain threw in a help seeking dream

also for reference this nap was an hour and a half and i have omitted 2-3 additional dreams from it i need a sleep study so bad LOL

[chaoticbuggybitchboy]

Goood morning my everything playlist

1. The Show Goes On - Inconsistent Me (the fact this song only has ten likes is honestly criminal) (this entire album is so much about friends growing and falling apart and augh i fw that) (this song makes me cry)

2. Jesus of Suburbia - Green Day (this is the longest song I can sit through without checking how much longer it goes) (this song ends 4 times but keeps going /aff) (adhd ass song /aff)

3. No Love - Frank Iero and the Future Violents (it’s a beautiful song, I can’t understand 80% of the lyrics) (I can goth dance to this song)

4. heart attack - cavetown (I can’t think too hard about this one or I start crying) (gonna be honest, I don’t listen to very much cavetown anymore, mainly because his music is my rocking on the floor/dissociating/mental breakdown music and I do less of that now) (good music tho)

5. Lower Than Low - Starving Narcissist (this is some SOLID emo shit I love it) (I love the vocals on his music, esp this one) (this song only having 7 likes is EVIL) (I love this song)

6. In Flames - Inconsistent Me ft. Juan Dior (seriously I fw this album so hard) (I cry over this song and this whole album I cannot be chill about Clouded sorry) (growing apart from people hurts)

7. Bath - Addison Grace (so obviously I’ve been listening to all these songs doing this and why am I so emo and sad if my parents walk in I’ll just be sobbing over my laundry) (I relate way to hard)

8. Mr. Brightside - the Killers (this is a very cool music video) (this is so much fun to play on bass)

9. DESTROYA - mcr (the fact that this song is reduced to ‘that one with all the moaning’ makes me sad because it’s so anti capitalist and cool) (the baseline TERRIFIES me)

10. Cute Without The ‘E’ - Johnnie Guilbert cover (I don’t remember adding this to my playlist but it’s a jam)

Uhm open tags idfk I just spent an hour doing this and I’m still recovering from the Bath -> Mr. Brightside mood shift

shuffled playlist tag game

sometimes friends tag me in these and i definitely mean to do them but i always forget. @leliesblou tagged me in one and i promise i'm not gonna forget this time!

Rules: you can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to. Put a playlist on shuffle, list the first 10 songs and then tag people :)

i have a bunch of playlists, so i'm choosing my "bops only" one:

Safe & Sound - from The Hunger Games Soundtrack (Taylor Swift, The Civil Wars)

World's Smallest Violin (AJR)

The Devil Went Down to Georgia (The Charlie Daniels Band)

Father Finlee (Spence Hood, Justin Ray Stringer)

Rule #27 - Drunk on Pride (Fish in a Birdcage, Philip Bowen)

Will I Find My Home - Acoustic Version (Juniper Vale, Vian Izak)

Bang! (AJR)

Fire Fire (Steam Powered Giraffe)

Red Signal (The Mechanisms)

Ruin (The Amazing Devil)

there we go! i'll tag: @seismologically-silly, @gays4vulo, @vilesssserpent, @sol1loqu1st, @honeybeeofficial, @mlerf, @terriblelizbians, @astriiformes, and anyone else who wants to do it!

[constellaj]

Genuine question to your last humorous post (it got a chuckle out of me so thank you for that) would you say Danny ITA here? Or Sidney for that matter? I keep seeing mixed reviews on the both of them in the phandom per this episode and I’d love to hear your thoughts on it!

ok bet

i think danny is 14

heres the thing right is yeah blahblah abuse or whatever bad but a) middle school bullying is always comedically exaggerated for kids media, esp and DP and b) 14 year olds are just like that. like literally the capacity for empathy is not fully developed at that age. this is also recognized in-universe; Vlad goes iirc "of course you wouldnt understand, you're what, fourteen?" and danny says "hello misplaced aggression"-- so applying the "children are shitheads" logic isnt just something I can say from the armchair, but within the show itself. basically i think he gets a bit of a free pass on being an asshole because of the Circumstances that are about being a teenager

2. the argument that "fighting your bullies makes you as bad as them" IS a shit argument, but theres Context DP has

yeah yeah fight back against ur oppressors or w/e (please god remember dp is a show about a nerdy elmersona who thinks hes a better person than he is, and NOT a succint and valuable critique on class relations in contemporary america.) but like. buddy. he can walk thru walls disappear and fly. dudes bringing a gun to a fork fight. if we're reading into deep metaphorical language here then literally whatever danny is doing is 100000% worse than dash. dash does physical assault (bad). DANNY does physical assault (bad), reputational ruining (bad), mental assault/gaslighting (bad), and psychological trauma (very bad. we see in that same episode that getting possessed is absolutely horrifying and dannys just doing it for a Bit. a Joke. a Gag if you will). what I'm saying is if you want to approach this issue as a microcosm of a larger conceptual element, you cannot walk away from here saying danny is NTA. luckily for me i dont give a shit about this point like, at all, and in fact am mostly tired of hearing it

3. fuck sidney

maybe this is rewrite bleed (it is <3 I made him a redditor) but sidney is just so much of a nothing, stupid character it hurts. dude haunted the locker NEXT TO DASH for at least a school year and his first conclusion was that dash was some POOR VICTIM OF BULLYING? if we gloss over that then its just like. what does he do here. 1) terrifies children internationally with that possession sequence 2) traps danny in 50s hell 3) is the episodic antagonist 4) has an annoying voice 5) gets. redeemed? for some ungodly reason? sidney in this ep is a metaphor/stand-in for danny's recompense and Not Bullying, but he's. EVIL? but we're supposed to be chill with it? except when we're not. and SIDNEY bullying bullies is (goood? funny???) except when the narrative needs him to be the Good Person he totally drops that entire personality and is now bffs with dash? i do not understand what the fuck he means within the larger narrative, like at all. as such im just like. fuck this kid fuck this episode in its entirety and it makes me want to disagree with the episode premise just bc its poorly written

4. dash did nothing wrong

dash did nothing wrong. i have a brand to keep but for real tho like, the conceit of this episode is that bullying is normal within the world yeah? like its not GREAT but danny and sidney aren't demonized for it (the conflict is about like. learning to be liked as a person? OKAY fucking ripoff side tangent here but SIDNEY gets to be bffs with DASH and ALSO his 50s bully -- if Sidney is a character parallel to danny WHY DOESNT DANNY BEFRIEND DASH BY THE END OF THE EPISODE? GOD? IT MAKES NO SENSE) and dash's is just like. slightly annoying slapstick. dash's character is also built on super dumb hypermasculine traits like hazing, ie, a bonding experience (even though danny might not see it as such). instead of like. talking w dash. or using his powers to impress him. (you know. what sidney does. right here). danny just goes "die a thousand deaths" and slams his head into a locker. like. bro. Unproductive. PLUS when sidney DOES stop being a shithead to dash (again i will never understand why. hes a fucking trainwreck of a character), dash IMMEDIATELY does a 180? like hazing continues but after the football scene dash is genuinely impressed. bro if you just get on dash's playing field he will literally do nothing. according to this episode anyway

summary: this episode fucking sucks

basically i think this episode is horribly plotted + written and the overall message/theme gets very muddled very quickly because its more of a "what would happen, realistically??" story than a "this is a story with a message that the universe will bend to accommodate" and thats just like. NOT good for this kind of "is he an asshole" discussion. in a realistic setting id say yeah danny ITA because. bro. you could do LITERALLY anything else. but not in a condemnatory way. like if danny was telling this story at college and making fun of himself when he was 14 id be like omggg daniel you did NOT. shut up thats so funny.

anyway if im extrapolating whatever message this ep was trying to push, and debating it with the rest of danny phantom tumblr as if it were a cohesive plot worth arguing about, id say ESH. sam is supposed to be a "rebel" yet she hates beating up dash. sidney is supposed to fight for the "little guys" yet he doesnt fucking know dash is the bully. danny psychologically tortures people which i think is probably a war crime.

except dash tho. i have a brand to keep and that means that everything he did in this episode was fine actually. he was having a bad day <3 he beats the shit out of dweebs to cope <3

[not-me-simping-for-blasty]

so exactly 2 (two!) people asked for the playlist, which means i 100% am going to deliver

alright so without any more of my stupid commentary,, here is the bakugou playlist w/ a little bit of explanation bc i just like to talk about him

Title: *anger noises*

spotify link :)))

1. Love Me Dead - Ludo

lmao basically, about this one, bakugou would. he 10000% would say shit like “you're a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature, finger-bangin' my heart”. that’s all i gotta say about this one

2. Love Bites (So Do I) - Halestorm

look at the title of this song. you gonna tell me that’s not bakugou???

3. Scotty Doesn’t Know - Lustra

distinct blasty boy energy. very much a song i turn up in my car and immeadiately go “yeah- he would crush the dreams of some poor boy and then write a song about it. just to sing his own praises.”

4. Dead! - My Chemical Romance

ummm  “Have you heard the news that you're dead? No one ever had much nice to say, I think they never liked you anyway.” 

-i , sorry for the angst but??? thinkin about bakugou post-kidnapping and kamino ward??? 

5. Modern Swinger - The Pink Spiders

i mean, just the whole chorus rlly. listen to it- bakugou would think that. he would. but esp the line “And its love, It's heavy and it hurts and it's love”

6. Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry

this song is the best misogyny i’ve ever heard. the message is terrible but bakugou would. he would. 

7. Highway Tune - Greta Van Fleet

i- the scREAM/yodel in the beginning of this song?? like “you are my special, you are my special, you are my midnight” , and the “There's one girl that I know I'm never gonna pass” and the “So sweet, So fine, So nice, All mine” , iTS BAKUGOU IT IS, I WILL LITERALLY WRITE AN ESSAY ABOUT IT

8. Witness - Mindless Self Indulgence

“Son of a bitch, god likes me, I am the best, fuck everybody else”

..... i - y’all already kno i aint even gotta explain this one

9. Vicious Love - New Found Glory ft Goddess Hayley Williams

i cannot explain to y’all enough how much this one makes me think about bakugou- PLS ITS ABOUT SEEING SOFTNESS IN OTHER RELATIONSHIPS AND WANTING IT,, BUT STILL ONLY BEING ABLE TO EXPRESS LOVE THRU CONFLICT

10. Uneasy Hearts Weigh The Most - Dance Gavin Dance

no explanation tbh,, the lyrics dont rlly apply but listen to this song n just tRY and tell me it wasn’t on bakugou’s 7th grade playlist

11. Little Monster - Royal Blood

“Heartache to Heartache, I'm your wolf, I'm your man, I say run little monster, Before you know who I am”

yep yep checks out thats bakugou isnt it

12. Run - Foo Fighters

“In another perfect life, in another perfect light, we run” and “Wake up, run for you life with me”

basically its about escaping a world in ruins with someone u love by ur side,,,,, every day i think about writing a bakugou fic with this premise but i havent done it yet and i should

13. I Don’t Care - Fall Out Boy

“I don't care what you think, As long as it's about me, The best of us can find happiness in misery”

..... yep. that last line especially. n just the whole song is big bakugou energy

14. The Suffering - Coheed and Cambria

“If it was up to me, I would have never walked out, So until the sun burns out, Oh, I hope you're waiting”

oooo and “Should we try this again with hope (Bye, bye) Or is it lost, give up the ghost, And should I die all alone as I knew I would, (Then burn in hell young sinner)”

pls i love this song sm, it’s just a rlly good song and it also have massive massive bakugou vibes so thats always a plus

,,,, okay and this last one- and jesus it hurts

15. My Hero - Foo Fighters

no bc it u think about how upset bakugou was after kamino?? with all mights retirement?? pls

“Kudos, my hero, leavin' all the mess, You know my hero, the one that's on, There goes my hero, Watch him as he goes, There goes my hero, He's ordinary”

no bc every single day i think about writing a novel on how much bakugou AND DEKU were affected by all might’s shitty teaching n the ways it’ll probably always set them up to be rivals in some capacity

[lesenbyan]

I think a lot of the remaining “archives” crew doesn’t understand Jon’s guilt at this point. Let me explain:

Spoilers for: season 5, and esp 199

The crew seems to remember Jon Knows Everything any time they want to know a Certain Answer to a Certain Question (ie “what’s happening here?” “how many other dimensions?” “Where is X?” etc) but they don’t seem to really comprehend what knowing everything means in the same way my roommate without chronic pain can’t quite understand the fact that I am always in pain. There’s knowing and there’s knowing. and none of them can do the latter. Esp considering Jon’s been admonished for having feelings so often over the series, told to bottle it up and get it together bc he doesn’t matter, he’s hurting people. And sometimes he was! But as far as we know (and canon seems to support) he never talked about these issues, he never really dealt with them. So when it comes to something like this, something so massive, to knowing and Seeing everything his instinct is to play it pretty close to his chest. He’ll talk to Martin about more of it than the others, of course, bc he’s the only one who has never failed to validate Jon’s feelings.

But then you get to the conversations about guilt, esp the one in 199 and you see Jon say “I” and everyone else insist “we” but they don’t....

Jon’s been walking through this fearscape since he and Martin left Scotland. And the entire time (except when with Salesa) he has been feeling the suffering, the agony, the torment of everyone in those domains. He has been hearing himself cursed and reviled as the man who did this (even if he didn’t mean to!) and he already has a massive guilt complex with crushing amounts of survivor’s guilt, starting from when he was 8yo. Except now he’s hearing thousands and thousands of voices saying you did this and this is your fault and why would you do this to us and Oh god make it stop. And a man can only withstand so much. Andb Martin wants to help! he does! but he can’t handle Jon talking about the suffering and agony of those around him for too long, there’s a reason he doesn’t want to be around for statements.

And the others? have all shut him out. Melanie hates him and Jon wants to respect that, Georgie, as much as she cares, left him high and dry when he most needed an out, during the last time he probably could have left. And Basira’s been a Daisy apologist and an actual asshole to Jon on and off up until Daisy’s dead. He’s not going to sit there and explain “no really i because because because” He’s not going to tell them about the endless hours of the endless mantra of fear and screaming, not going to tell them about the guilt of knowing this is sustaining him, not going to tell them that he’s lost count of the number of people cursing him for bringing this about, not going to tell them about the agony he feels along with them, not going to tell them about the sadistic joy he can’t help but feel, not going to tell them that that makes him feel even worse.

Because how do you explain that? How do you explain that no really the entire world hates me specifically and the world would actually be better off with me dead to people who refuse to believe it? To Martin who refuses to live in a world without Jon in it, who refuses to imagine the world could be better had Jon not existed in it. How does he tell his kind, patient, loving, bleeding heart boyfriend that he’s not sure he’d be able to live with himself even if everything does go as planned? How does he say that even if they fix this the entire world knows him as the man that made them live that? How does he explain that he actually knows now what it’s like to literally be the most hated man on earth.

So everyone else says “we”. Everyone else tries to share the guilt. But it’s not theirs. Yes, all of their decisions and actions helped Jon end up here in varying ways. No, no one is more to blame than Jonah. But the insistence on we diminishes the sheer agony and torment Jon’s been through. But it’s okay. He’s used to his feelings and trauma being diminished and belittled and pushed aside.

and then there’s this:

MARTIN

The point is you don’t have a responsibility to sacrifice yourself just to make everyone else’s lives a bit easier.

ARCHIVIST

I’ve already made them a hell of a lot harder!

MELANIE

Hmmm.

MARTIN

[Sharply] Then we should all sacrifice ourselves, because everyone in this room has some responsibility for it.

Which also drastically misses the mark. This isn’t just the blame game. This isn’t “everyone is equally responsible for the parts they played.” This is “Jon was groomed for this for four years whereas the others had arguably minor roles that didn’t change Jonah’s script too much”. Is it Jon’s fault? Absolutely not! He’s a victim too.

But at the same time if, under duress, you make a decision that kills a person you still go to jail for murder.

What Jon wants is to feel like he’s paid the price for actions that, while not entirely his own, he played a large part in. Jon cannot live with himself and the consequences of his actions even if they weren’t his fault. Jonah didn’t read the incantation. He lined everything up, set the stage, manipulated all the pieces to where they needed to be, but he didn’t pull the trigger. Jon did. And Jon knows that. And no amount of “we” from the others will change that. No amount of “I can’t live in a world without you” from Martin can make him understand this.

This isn’t a burden he can share, so he doesn’t try. He’s happy they don’t know or understand bc it means they don’t hurt like this. But it also means they don’t understand why he simply cannot live with himself after it’s all done.

Even if MAG had and ending where everything went as planned and Jon and Martin made it out, I don’t think Jon would survive long anyway.

[laurelnose]

I've got a witcher-ish!biology question!!

Your many posts about how drowners would hypothetically breathe was so interesting and I just wanted to ask the same about sirens/merfolk (if they existed in canon..)

Like..are their very human looking noses just for aesthetics or would they functionally breathe/smell? If they have gills would they need a secondary way to breathe air when they're out of water or are they more likely to be holding their breath like reverse whales? And if they do have 2 functioning breathing methods would it be a conscious decision to use whichever is suitable for where they are or does that happen automatically?

FRIEND I AM THRILLED TO BE THE ONE TO TELL YOU THAT SIRENS/EKHIDNAE AND MERPEOPLE ARE CANON. Though canon sirens bear aggressively little resemblance to the fandom’s preferred usage for them. there are also the vodyanoy but what the fuck even are the vodyanoy. I’m not going to talk about the vodyanoy.

Sirens are canonically faking the human form to lure in prey and do not have noses or resemble humans in their true forms. So sirens can be doing whatever they want with their lungs/gills, freed from all variety of nasal misery.

Merpeople... have regular human faces. people have spent SO MANY WORDS on how and why mermaids would look like people, and frankly I do not have the energy to recount all of the mermaid thoughts I have ever been exposed to, esp. because my investment in drowners comes from my real-life fondness for horrible snappy little toad-faced amphibious creatures like cottids and batrachoidids, and this is not really at all what a mermaid is like. why would a mermaid look like a human? idk. you might as well ask why do elves look like humans? witcher mermaids aren’t trying to lure people in like the sirens (Sh’eenaz is having a bit of a problem with a human who is attracted to her) so that’s just... what they look like.

however, here are some more thoughts about being amphibious & respiration because respiration is sexy and interesting.

merpeople could be using their noses for breathing; lungfish do this, with their nasal openings connected to their throats like ours leading to their lungs, with a functioning set of gills as well. although despite their gills, most lungfish are actually obligate airbreathers and cannot be deprived of access to the surface of the water. congrats on ditching the ability to respirate where you live, idiots. it’s been working for them for about 420 million years, though.

or merpeople could be only using the noses for smell/chemoreception like most fishes, and primarily respiring through mouth/gills. either is fine!

> if they have gills would they need a secondary way to breathe out of water or would they be more likely to be holding their breath

man, the term ‘more likely’ actually does so much work in these discussions. like I say ‘more likely’ myself a lot, but respiratory adaptations are hugely varied and wild and the likelihood of any one coming about rather than any other is actually kind of impossible to quantify!

Geralt says Sh’eenaz can breathe air, and I am usually inclined to believe him. We could also consider him to be oversimplifying, in which case—both! either! it depends on how long they regularly stay out of water (which to my knowledge, aquatic airbreathers are actually much more limited by things like sun damage, skin dryness, dehydration, and temperature regulation and whether they have adaptations to deal with these things. many anabantoids like gourami are obligate air-breathers and will drown if denied access to the surface but you had still better put a gourami back in the water right quick before it shrivels up into a prune. lungfish do not have this problem because they are weirdos who roll themselves up into mud cocoons whenever the water goes away. on the other hand, humans soaked in water for too long start having issues like skin maceration (don’t image search that, it’s the breakdown of skin) so, basically, hanging out in the wrong environment is more complicated than whether or not you can breathe. this is canonical for witcher mermaids; Sh’eenaz is extremely cross about wasting her time above water because it chaps her skin).

they could be holding their breath like whales (because mermaids could be airbreathers first and waterbreathers second) or reverse whales (i.e. they store oxygen for periods of time whenever they leave the medium they can breathe). or they could be like epaulette sharks, which have an absolutely crazy anaerobic metabolism and just... deal with hypoxia. two hours at 5% of normal oxygen levels? they’re fine. that’s fine. what the fuck, epaulette sharks. also here’s a video of one doing the walking thing, because they got lil feety fins and it’s cute. fucking superb, you hypoxic little fake tetrapods. the main issue is still actually that the sun will bake an epaulette shark!

but yes, if merpeople want to be above-water for more than two or three hours at a time (provided they have adaptations to deal with other stuff), they will need a secondary respiration method of some sort. though they don’t generally seem to give that much of a fuck about humans or other things going on above-water. (Since sirens seem to split their time relatively evenly between air/water, I would guess they have two methods.)

re: the consciousness of the decision: you would have to ask a lungfish or one of the facultative air-breathing anabantoids if they think about it when they switch respiratory methods, probably. my best guess for sapients like merpeople is it’s instinctual (oxygen access is so fundamental, these things tend to be baked in) but they can also do it consciously to some extent, like when you suddenly become aware of your own breathing. my apologies. for non-sapients it’s likely 100% instinctual. oxygen is really important.

[staggeringsmite]

HELLO! just finished properly listening to your (amazing!) corruption arc playlist! I have many thoughts, and so I wanted to ask you about specific moments and/or characters that you associate with songs (as mentioned in your tags), as I am simply SO intrigued. (did you have certain songs that were added for certain character(s)? were any songs for specific what if's? etc.) also, please consider this a free pass to ramble about anything related to the playlist that you wish. it is SO excellent!!

AHHHH!! thank you jade (both for the compliment and the free space to yell about my thoughts here because when i get playlist brainrot i get it Bad <3) // the playlist in question

i think i'm genuinely going to do a song-by-song thoughts below the cut, but here are some overview thoughts/associations if you don't wanna read all of that or don't have the time!

overall this started with athena by nova twins! i thought the sp*der imagery and overall vibe was great for a more sinister look at the wacky (mostly) chaotic neutral party as they are, just going full lolth. i wanted the pacing to be semi-slow and then drop into the more rock-heavy reckless villain-y section before moving into a (?) bittersweet? i guess? end that feels a bit more like a question mark of if it was worth it.

i think this party is full of extremely interesting motivations to side with an evil power for their own gain/the benefit of the people they care about, and each one of them has a very complex relationship with that so things spun wildly out of control as a thought about this.

for songs i associate with specific characters here's an overview, but you'll notice there aren't a lot for fy'ra rai or orym which i get into a bit more in the song-by-song:

all: i come with knives, into the spin, steady/steady, control, bad dreams / lolth: million years, athena, diggers / dariax: diggers, plenty, hollow / dorian: athena, grenadine, dangerous / fearne: plenty, you should see me in a crown, black wave / fy'ra rai: home / opal: home, grenadine, black wave, you should see me in a crown / orym: i'm not calling you a liar, dangerous

song-by-song >:)

1. i come with knives (acoustic) - this song, zoowee, so i went with the acoustic version because i think it's a nice slow but sinister start and it very much gave me the feeling of whenever you begin as a character to question taking this kind of power, that is a Source yes that you can do whatever with but is rooted in temptation and associated with evil, is there any real justification for that which is not in some part selfish. "i come with knives and agony to love you" if that isn't the chosen ones to a T in their overall reasoning for even considering a deal with lolth. and as much as that may be rooted in care, and wanting to be strong and powerful enough to protect the people they care about, it is a painful way to love when you really choose that path once and for all.

2. into the spin - this one is based on "slow climb but quick to descend" and i love the instrumentation as a part of the overall vibe, but it's about sowing the seed here. planting even a hint of consideration in accepting the power of the circlet and lolth's words is going to need time for the person to mull it over, but once it's on it is On baby.

3. million years - this is what i mean by All In Baby, and while it isn't the playlists narrative point of anyone actually accepting the power for good, it is a glimpse intended to shake things up after an 8 minute slow start with the first two songs, and this is all about lolth who is a Chaotic Evil entity, who is a reckless and hauntingly destructive force <3

4. home - "everything you made will end up broken" i think this song to fy'ra rai is more of an omen, of everything that she cannot fix but wants to, knowing that she cannot make choices for the group and seeing the potential path they could wind up on and knowing that fundamentally if they go that way it is their decision no matter how much it will hurt her - for opal there is SOMETHING about the tone of this song that feels very much like her, and the complete lack of care it seems to have to rattle off mundane things to the intimate drama of the place, to omens, to demands/declarations i think it shows her personality well and how that pairs with a chaotic neutral entity being offered something like the power of the circlet

5. steady, steady - idk if this is necessarily everyone but the mix of you know when you're ready and i am ready to be the one, this is the song about taking the leap and grabbing for power and/or fy'ra rai and orym's feelings of diving in with them or resisting/leaving them

6. diggers - for lolth this is just the consistent "i've been waiting for you" in the bg which i found fun and disconcering but also i think this is the perfect party and perfect storm for her to convince someone to use the circlets power >:) - for dariax! it seems with what we know he doesn't really know that he is a divine soul sorcerer? unless that is a show he is putting up. still, i feel like him carrying the circlet is Very interesting as someone with a divine bloodline who is in a way being given/chosen for that type of power holding onto this artifact born from evil and perhaps being tempted by it & i think this song works as an interesting back and forth for him with the strange double-entity grab for him in a way

7. athena - truly just a banger that fit the vibes wayyyy too well and started this whole thing, it's loud and reckless and out for blood babey <3 - i think i associate it with dorian mostly because i also associate it with lolth and he is the closest to really taking that leap in canon (and also probably the first one the go if we're following this playlist like a story with everyone/most everyone going corrupt, though it can be read truly infinite ways these are just compiled songs) i think it has a certain flair and appeal that just makes me Feel like it's the song that would play the second dorian puts the circlet on (which! fun fact! decreases your charisma by 2! have fun beloved bard!) - i think it's a very intense conversation

8. i’m not calling you a liar - okayokayokay it's orym thought time bc there are sooo many worlds and routes for orym here and i truly have no idea where he would even end up in this hypothetical. do i think that orym loves these guys and wants to protect them? yes. do i think that he may genuinely take the pain of loving them and keep his morals by walking away and/or turning on them if they all go evil? maybe. do i think he also might love them enough to throw that away? maybe. in a party of all chaotic neutrals besides him without fy'ra rai he is surprisingly the wild card here. while they have each other and no one else, he has the teachings and wisdom of the voice of the tempest and a moral compass that does not align with theirs at all. so, something has to give! dorian's slide into chaotic neutral was natural, but i think orym would be giving up Much More of himself to let himself slide from neutral good to chaotic neutral. i have no answers only sad, sad hypotehtical questions and scenarios so i will just, leave you with "and i love you so much, i'm gonna let you kill me." - this song also comes here before the storm of the 3-5 because whatever way he goes i think orym sees it all happen before anyone else does.

9. grenadine - Do Not Tell Me You Couldn't Hear villainous opal and dorian say the lines "what a big heart i have, i'll be your savior now. what a real catch i am, all the more to pull you down." - i see this song as playful but more genuine for dorian in terms of Truly Really believing any action he does to protect his friends is justified and good to him in his eyes whereas this is a very playful song for a villainous opal - they both give off this vibe strongly though (could see this one for fearne as well but don't have a good a justification)

10. black wave - helloooooo my favorite druid and warlock?? going apeshit with power? more so than they already are on a day-to-day basis (esp given episode 6 combat)? that's what this song is about. "stumbling down the street i swear to god you don't wanna test me" - i also think they both have an interesting question with "what do i believe?" with fearne being of the feywild which is a place of considerably different moral standing to exandria and opal being so young that she doesn't have the world figured out at all <3 terrifying and upsetting when you get into those questions on a corruption arc <3

11. you should see me in a crown - okay i knooooow this one is on the dorian playlist BUT vibes for my brutal babes <333 something about opal’s whole personality and fearne confronting the mirror self But eventually choosing/heading down the path anyway?? impeccable i love it there’s very few other thoughts here

12. control - OKAY not only does this song Fuck but i put it as party wide because i think it transitions nicely into the end of the mix which is more of the “questioning this decision after going all in but not being able to turn back/was it all worth it in the end?” part - i mostly love the “though i like the idea of providence... i’m in love with control” repeated because! i think the circlet is very interesting in that it has been iterated many times over that though it has connections to lolth and she has some claim/twisted abilities with it, it IS just a power source. so, the idea of going all in and accepting this power is an incredibly interesting dilemma of “who’s in charge here? did you really put it on/would you have without these dreams and lolth’s influence? are you really in control?” i think this song really represents that admission/delusion of control in this situation.

13. plenty - okay this song in any context is just my Feywild/Faerie Vibe song so i think this trails back to my feelings about fearne leaning into that different set of fey morals along a corruption arc, and as for dariax i think this is about abundance! following through that mixture of divine power source and chaotic evil god origin over dariax and his chaotic history of vast and varied experiences in emon, i think this very much befits a corrupt version of him.

14. dangerous - this song makes me insane, and the first reason i put it on the mix was the “the dead are true believers. rest assured. we are all believers” really just made me think of a terrible and cinematic moment of them discovering the circlet with the dead aboard the ship ESP in the context of this playlist’s narrative where that was the point they were destined to claim its power and go through their corruption arc - “how does it feel to be your own deceiver?” is the main reason and feeling as for why i made this a dorian song as well in line with “don’t worry i would do anything for my friends.” bc i personally find dorian’s corruption arc to be disillusioned with his own intentions and takes a lot of convincing himself that taking this power for his friends is noble in the scope of this group’s collective morals and self-interest in keeping each other safe and prosperous so <3

15. hollow - woowee dariax corruption, at least in this scope, i think is very frightening to me in that i think he’s going full maximalist, abundant, greedy, impulsive chaotic evil if we’re realllly leaning into a villain arc but still many of those things if we’re just going “this group is the only thing that matters and i’ll do anything for them no matter the cost” - i also think this song has a tone of resentment towards this? apprehension a bit? recognizing that this is how the person singing is but not entirely enjoying or feeling justified in it? as impulsive as dariax is, i think he cares A Lot, and is even a character i could see pulling a reverse dorian and going chaotic good in a different story than we’re in? “so simple when i was younger” and “i’d be a dancer of a different tune” really give me angsty dariax vibes in the height of his corruption arc

16. bad dreams - “don't you worry about your bad dreams cause I'm not in them. don't you worry about what change brings cause you can't stop it.” WOOF i don’t know that this one really needs to be explained but it’s the climax and the descent all in one of the party/corrupted individual being too far gone in their decision to step back or be saved. i think the tone of the song lends itself well to a mixture of uncaring but also giving some question to if they regret it or not based on the narration of the crowd against them.