#like i am very stressed all the time bc i am autistic and mentally ill which is why i like the idea of someone else

[mcalhenwrites]

I'm not going to pretend it doesn't make me angry that I spend months and years trying to peddle my work to make ends meet, that I spend so much time mentioning my books and comms and everything, and people ignore that consisently... But the moment I finally break under the hopelessness - when it's obvious that it's fucking futile, that almost no one deems my work good enough to share with anyone else - suddenly they're concerned and scolding me. I'm working several jobs, bathing, generally keeping things clean, and I do this with several health problems including chronic pain. I found out that one of my cysts is growing and I may need to have it surgically removed. Which means potentially missing work to recover. Which means more money I lose. I spend so much time crawling out of the hole and it goes ignored, but the moment I just give up bc I don't have any strength left, suddenly that's my fault and I'm mentally sick. And that kind of makes me wish my entire situation upon people, and when they whine that it's hard, well fuck you, you thought I could ace it so surely you can, babe! I hate being angry about this, but it's just so exhausting to tell people who accuse me of not trying that I HAVE I HAVE SO FUCKING HARD AND YOU DID NOT PAY ATTENTION THEN Or you know you're attempting to gaslight me by claiming I didn't try despite that I obviously have worked my ass off trying, and that's so much fucking worse

[transhualians]

the human mind is truly such a fascinating thing bc why do I find the fictional idea of being a tradwife for my f/o appealing but if you made me be a tradwife irl i would kill you and burn your body

[mouseymassacre]

MORE DR. TWO BRAINS HEADCANONS BC I WATCHED THE RISE OF MISS POWER AND A BUNCH MORE EPISODES

fruity ass gif bc i love him

-> he has so many mental illnesses. particularly adhd and bpd ^^ im not projecting. he's also autistic because i said so.

-> sensory processing disorder moment. he has trouble processing sounds and touch mostly and kinda isn't super aware of the space around him ^^

-> he doesn't talk to his family much or like. at all? he doesn't really remember much about them because his living situation was really stressful as a kid.

-> not only is cheese like. good bc he's a mouseboy, but also it's like. really good for his sensory issues.

-> showering is a fucking nightmare for him. his hair is always super messy, the sound of running water is a really bad thing for him sensory wise, and its hard to shower with his rat features + his mouse brain being on the outside is uncomfy. he made himself some earplugs though to help with the sensory part of it.

-> tbh. fruity. he's bi and trans!! he makes his own hormones and did his own top surgery. made his own binder as a younger adult.

-> if he had an actual cell phone, i think he'd have a very specific typing style. all caps, a lot of punctuation, MOUSE PUNS, etc!

-> "CHUCKY BABY, ANGEL DARLING, MY BEST FUR-RIEND. CAN I COME OVER" "mom said yeah just don't make a mess pleasee :(" "YES YES OF COURSE OF COURSE!! THANK YOU YOU'RE SO AM-MOUSE-ING!"

-> i like to think that the shirt he wears under his lab coat is one of those hospital scrubs. i feel like he definitely went to a hospital as a child and managed to keep the scrub bc the texture was nice:) i know its not a scrub but shut up its MY comfort headcanon!!

-> lemon demon fan. will wood fan. the oozes fan. probably likes some rock music bc of chuck, like black sabbath, alkaline trio, rise against, warrant, etc!!

-> he honestly really likes stickers and wears them on his arms or face in his free time. like... he doesnt do it while doing evil business in public but they remind him of his henchmen and shit:)

-> he and chuck definitely have made ocs together.

-> kinda touch adverse except with people be trusts? like. he won't completely freak out from physical contact but its still uncomfy for him. so when miss power was like hashtag Whip and Nae Naeing his ass he was internally Screaming.

-> he doesnt really like being picked up by his shirt in general but with miss power it was somehow worse bc she's just like. some gal.

-> he would use discord. he would have discord nitro. he's in a cheese eaters discord. he got banned from the cheese eaters discord because he got a little rowdy one day.

-> i think that he'd learn a lot of slang because he hangs with the botsfords a lot. like... he kinda got integrated into the family after the dr two brains forgets episode bc it just... happened. it just happened.

-> tj teaches him the word "poggers" and wordgirl has to simply cope every time she hears him say it unironically about one of his inventions or cheese.

-> his hair is so Dry. he is so dry in general. fuck bitch MOISTURIZE!!!

-> really likes cuddling chuck. can be interpreted as /p or /r tbh i think he just feels safe with his little sandwich bestie.

-> he really likes it when people he trusts touches his tail or scratches behind his ears. hes so Mouse you guys... He is so Mouse.

-> (minor s/lf h/rm tw, proceed with caution) probably has a lot of weirdly healed over scars because of his teeth being shaped like mice's, and he probably bites at his skin quite a bit to relieve stress.

-> idk why i like this headcanon but... he really appreciates the like... demonia + kandi + graphic tee stuff, but unfortunately doesn't participate because the familiarity of his coat and normal clothes is safe while Wearing Other Clothes Is Not. he thinks its a really cool way to express yourself!

-> adding onto this, but one time becky made a couple of little diy homemade pins out of a couple of different buttons, all painted with different pride flags and even one decorated with a couple of spikes and a cute little super-mousified version of dtb. he wears them literally every day, and even tried to make pins for his other villain friends!!

god i have school tomorrow i need to stop mf RAMBLING. if u have any other hcs please feel free to like . tell me i dont bite i purr-omise i just love attention

[newhologram]

I know only a few of you are on IG so I wanted to give an update here on the past few days. I am doing this knowing the potential risk but I need to also record where I'm at right now in case anything weird happens.

My week has been like this so far. Sunday: Family Member 1 misplaced their Xbox controller. They kept asking me if I knew where it was, each time growing more and more aggressive. I don't have an Xbox, I reminded them. I have my own controller for my PC. But they kept knocking loudly on my door. They followed me outside where I was vaping and tried to accuse me of I don't even know what. Pawning off their controller? FM1 said, "Is there something going on that you're not telling me? SOMEONE'S messing with me!" Later that night they and their gf were making dinner. FM1 suddenly knocked harshly on my door and said aggressively, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE OVEN MITTS" in an angry voice. I was already stressed from them harassing me earlier about the controller. I came out of my room, heart racing, and told them I had not used them that day. I helped find the mitts, which had fallen behind the trash can because the hanging hook had broken. I went to bed on edge, feeling unsafe and targeted, wondering why my family member was suddenly acting so paranoid and accusing me of misplacing their things... Something they actually have done to me my whole life, denying it until the moment my item is found, when they suddenly remember they did move it there (or accidentally throw it out/destroy it). The controller ended up being some random place in the living room. Monday: I went to leave for my acupuncture appointment. My booster seat/pillow thing was missing from my car. Not in the trunk or anything. I cannot drive without it. I'm too short to see over the steering wheel. I called FM1 and they have no idea where it could be, despite the fact that they drive my car every day. FM1's gf helped find it, in the garage. But I still had an epic fucking meltdown, sobbing the whole way to and from my appointment. I just cannot handle people moving my shit and disrupting my schedule like that. And it just hurt so much more knowing that FM1 was so awful to me the day before about their stuff being misplaced. I'm always having my personal belongings, my feelings, my personhood, disrespected. It hurts deeply. When I got home I stressed to them that this is my car, and my accommodation should not ever be removed from it under any circumstances. It was after this that I decided it was time to hold a family meeting. I called Family Member 2 and 3 over to the house. I read a long letter to them in which I told them about the talks I have had with my therapist, psychiatrist, and another psychologist. Even though I cannot be formally assessed and diagnosed at this time, I am being treated for autism. I detailed to my family my entire life of trauma that is traced back directly to my autistic traits, and my needs not only not being met, but being outright denied. I was denied empathy most of my life for my sensory issues, my pain, everything. A big part of this is gaslighting. Even if it's unintentional or not malicious, gaslighting is incredibly traumatic. Especially when it comes to my sensory issues. I have had even more problems with overstimulation the past year which means I can barely sleep, so my daily naps are even more important. I try to coordinate my naps when there is less activity in my house. But if I'm in a ton of pain and extra sensitive and ask for quiet, that's when I get in trouble and a fight happens. That's when FM1 tells me I "need to be realistic" and "can't expect the whole world to shut up for you"... when I'm literally saying "I have a migraine and need to rest, can you please not play loud music or slam cupboards in the kitchen for a few hours?"

I was emotionally neglected and abused by both parents. A lot of it is just the result of their own trauma that they have not dealt with... But I have also been physically threatened and assaulted by them at different times, though it only happened those specific times. (They won't ever admit to it though.) The emotional and mental abuse still goes on in my home. I am not allowed to have emotions. I have been told "STOP. WHY ARE YOU CRYING. LIFE'S NOT FAIR. WHEN YOU GET OUT IN THE REAL WORLD YOU'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT" over and over--like... in response to me crying about my pet dying, or in response to me crying bc I'm in horrible pain from my chronic illnesses, or crying after my usual yearly ER visit. I am also not allowed to have boundaries. I have tried to communicate with FM1 that these things hurt me deeply. And their response is basically, "YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL. I PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD!" and threats such as "BETWEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU AND GRANMDA, ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO DRIVE OFF AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!" or "I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU"-- y'know, in response to having a disabled child. Ouch. The message is clear: I am nothing but an inconvenience and a burden to my family. I still have nightmares about them abandoning me, or abusing me more. I think in their heads they think that they love me. But this isn't love. If I try to talk to them about how dangerous it is for them to say things like that to me, they say "I never said/did that." Which brings us back to the gaslighting: I said that every time they gaslight me and tell me that my emotions/thoughts/experiences aren't real, it triggers me so badly that I self-harm and become suicidal.

I was very clear with them: I said that I can no longer have that in my life because one day it will kill me. I don't wanna die that way. I want to live. I have very bad PTSD and it's something I have worked on for 8 years but it has been worse the past year with so many disruptions and FM1's worsening narcissistic traits. I gave the choice to them. I said if they gaslighted me again that they were making the decision to not be in my life. Because this is about preserving my life. I'm trying not to die here. I'm literally trying to save my own life, even if that means not having a relationship with my family. They accept that I am autistic... But they then took turns gaslighting me. When I pointed out, "that's gaslighting. that's exactly what I just said in my letter. What you're doing is gaslighting" they went even harder on it. They said my experience and my trauma is "not in line with reality". They also said I "need to be reasonable" with the boundary that I'm setting (meaning: they don't believe in boundaries at all). They tried to guilt trip me with, "you can't cut someone out of your life because what if they DIE and then you FEEL GUILTY??" (I mean, what if I killed myself because you keep hurting me? Wouldn't you feel guilty about that?) They also guilt tripped me with "well we TRY to invite you to family stuff, and we try to include you, but you never want to go..." um... I guess they forgot I am chronically ill? Sorry if I don't have the energy or pain tolerance to drive an hour each way to a loud family party after I've worked all week? I cried and cried, I said this is exactly what I told you that you do to me and how it endangers my life... and you're doing it... while telling me you don't do it to me... They were all weird and told me "we love you and would do anything for you!" except... I guess, not gaslight me constantly? Idk. I felt so trapped. I felt so hopeless. I was up all night crying. I wondered, "Why is the idea of me having distance from them somehow worse than me being dead? Why would they prefer that I die rather than set a boundary that will save me?" And then I remembered: I had set the terms. They broke them. You do this, you're out of my life, because me being alive is more important than us having a relationship which will eventually kill me. I'm not trapped. It doesn't matter if they think they can prevent me from setting this boundary because they can't. I'm in charge of my boundary. So I blocked them on social media, as well as their phones. I have to unfortunately keep FM1 unblocked bc I live with them, they drive my car, and they look after my cats while I am at work. If I didn't have so many great things happening behind the scenes, if I didn't have my cats, if I didn't have amazing friends and followers who are supportive and kind... I can definitely see that I would have ended my life that night in some alternate timeline. That is how much pain I was in from them doing that to me. Them literally trying to gaslight me into not setting a boundary. I mean it would've been so ridiculous on their part, can you imagine? Me: Hey family, when you gaslight me, it makes me suicidal. I don't want to die, so either you stop doing that, or we can't have a relationship. Family: UHH NO *gaslights me anyway* Me: ok *kills self* Family: *surprised Pikachu face* Like???? Would they really have been shocked because it seems like they should have known since I told them directly? And that just shows that they really don't take my pain seriously at all. They think I'm overly sensitive and that my trauma is not real. That would have been a painful wake up call for them. I told my therapist all of this. And she agrees that this is good, this is going to not only ween them off of me but also allow me to focus on all the good stuff I have going on. I have to get moving. So much stuff has been lagging because I'm constantly recovering from them triggering me. I'm going to focus, and heal, and gtfo of here. Thank you for your support and for never invalidating my pain.

[kuladia-a]

this is really long and heavy um tw for a lot of things mainly mental illness and disability and related stuff and honestly its not necessary at all to read im just mostly saying it to make sense of things for my personal benefit

the important take away is that im going to be archiving this blog and i wanted to say thank you to everyone who’s written with me here even though i havent written or posted very much here ksdjlf

for months i have just been getting more and more frustrated with myself and my writing, it feels like the things i write don’t make sense and i’m always unsatisfied i can never manage to live up to my own expectations?? i used to write kinda good i think at least i wasnt always so unhappy with what i produced but every time i log on here and try to draft or respond to something it’s jsut so frustrating and embarrassing because it is so Bad

and tbh its been following a self dissatisfaction ive been having for months, in general i suck at articulating and talking and being clear. i dont really know how to start interactions on this blog or irl and i am so awkward and make a fool out of myself every time i try to reach out to people, and so much stuff has been going on in my personal life that has been really stressing me out and making everything worse

and it’s a bit dumb of me to unload here but i don’t have anyone really i think i can talk to about stuff like this and i wont be coming back on here so idk. fuck it i guess. it’s weird bc the rpc is where ive made a lot of friends despite how hard it is for me to make friends. and i’ve made a lot of good ones and i love them all so much and im super grateful for those moments where i feel successful like im actually doing things right and accepted and welcomed by other ppl. but i also have a lot of setbacks and rn ive just sort of hit that point where i dont think its even worth trying anymore.

i dont get anything i dont get starting conversations or continuing them or making friends or understanding when someone is your friend or just being polite or how much to say about something before it gets annoying nd its useless to think abt but i really hate being autistic i just wish that i was normal. ive tried a lot of stuff recently like dumb stuff like herbal supplements and shit just cuz i rly rly wanna change and i kinda was like let me at least exhaust all my options but . well like obviously those dont work and like. i guess it is what it is thats what this disorder does it ruins your ability to connect with other people. i cant really change my not understanding social cues or. all the annoying stuff i do and dont even realize til people point it out

talking to people and sharing things i think and things i’ve done and putting myself out there feels so paralyzing. and i have been trying to act like everything is fine bc i thought maybe if i did things would work themselves out and be fine but that isn’t happening. living itself just kinda feels like its crushing me at this point like it’s kind of a lot of constant pain and i just. need one less source of humiliation i think.

so like yeah long story short im not going to be on this blog anymore. i might log on every now and again jsut bc i like reading my mutuals writing i love all the stuff you come up with and to see it you are all incredible writers and storytellers. but im not posting or roleplaying anymore. if u have my discord we can still talk if u want but im not gonna be doing anything here

[undiagnosedautismfeels]

Not A Feel / Questions

- I'm not diagnosed, I often feel like I do have Autism, but I dont know how to approach the subject with others... I frequently have difficulty reading social situations/developing social skills, its exhausting to socialize, I have a SI (cats!), sensitive to textures, clouds are overwhelming, I work best with a concrete set of expectations (lists, etc), and I do several repetitive behaviors that help me stay calm... I just came here to talk to someone about it.. am I reading too much into it?

Nah I don’t think you’re reading too much into it. You could start out by talking to close friends, or to your doctor if you wanna pursue a diagnosis. [Here] is a good list of the symptoms, so you can highlight the ones that apply to you if you think that’ll help you figure things out.

- Is it a thing where you can't connect with characters? I hear so many people connect with certain characters that are like them, but unless I put a lot of thought into it or make up a bunch of headcanons, I can't connect with any character. It makes me doubt my autism that people connect with canonically autistic characters while I can't. (🐇🍰)

It’s different for everyone. Some people can connect with characters easily, some people can’t. I don’t think it’s necessarily and autism thing.

- Is it an autism thing to repeat/chant stuff?? I saw a post on it being an ADHD things and thought, well I do that even though I’m not ADHD but undiagnosed autistic????

That’s echolalia (aka: vocal stimming)

- Do routines have to be purely time based? Cause for somethings, I feel it's not the time I do them, but how I do them that has to stay the same. Like, I can do my bunny's veggies anywhere between 7-8, but when preparing, it has to be a certain way. The correct foods washed in the right order, & I have to carry everything back to the living room (where the fridge is cause tiny kitchen) in one go or it will feel bad. Is this what routine is? (🐇🍰)

That’s still routine! A routine is just the pattern in which we do things, whether that pattern is related to actions, locations, or time management varies from person to person. Back when I was studying, every Tuesday on my way to class I had to go to a specific coffee shop and get a specific drink, even if it meant i was late for class.

- Is it an autism thing when I'm eating something (hummus, for example bc it happens a lot with that) and suddenly your body refuses to consume any more you just cant and you have to spit whatever is in your mouth out? It's not a texture thing it might just be me being weird 🌈🕹

Hmm it’s not something that I’ve specifically heard about before, but autism can cause all sorts of weird little quirks, so it could be related.

- Not a feel, but I think I may be autistic and have a couple questions. I don't have meltdowns, but I do heavily dissociate a lot, especially if things are getting stressful. Is that what "shutting down" is? Also, is being very out of touch with your emotions an autistic thing? I'm an extremely empathetic person for others, but I can't for the life of me recognize my own emotions, or know how to express them. Thank you!

Yes, shutdowns can be very similar to dissociation and can cause it for some people. Alexithymia (lack of emotional awareness) is very common with autism, but it’s also incredibly common with a lot of mental illnesses.

[caperantagonist]

thinkin bout my mental

the more i read about adhd from people who have it im like

i know im probably autistic and a lot of stuff crosses over but like. so much stuff for this makes sense to me do i id as adhd now? am i adhd/add? cutting bc im just thought vomiting

i feel like nothing fits me fully, its just most stuff. i have girl autism and a lot of adhd stuff but a lot of it crosses over and getting an actual diagnosis rn is impossible

adhd things i relate too hard to (symptoms according to health line cause I can’t find another comprehensive list)

- hyperfocus - lack of focus (I phase out of conversations all the time) - executive dysfunction (this is a RLY bad thing for me) - task planning (i have to manage everything bit by bit but also all at the same time and it can be very overwhelming. like, i have to do everything on one day or i die bc i dont wanna do things multiple days a week) - forgetfulness (brain go brrrrrrrr) - impulsiveness (i have to do things. like, idk why. i have to or i get in like, physical pain/i can’t do anything else its weird) - mood swings (idk if this is bpd or depression or adhd stuff, but small things like lag on voice/in game makes me SO STRESSED OUT) - poor self image (body dysmorphia hits hard) - anxiety and fidgeting (i stim a lot by holding stuff and folding it or making patterns with it, and I have Anxiety (tm) ) - fatigue (i have chronic fatigue and fibro so like, go figure) - bad health habits (I comfort eat to feel things and if i resist, even if its bc i literally can’t obtain the sweet treats bc of money, i feel like absolute shit. this swings back into impulsiveness) - body clock bad (Im currently sleeping from 6/7am till 4-6pm and its really bad)

but a lot of this stuff crosses with autism... like, the only thing that is deffo autistic the most about me is; - masking - difficulty following basic instructions (I need stuff spelled out for me, or I’ll do something I think is right but is actually wrong even though I thought i was doing it right. “why didnt’ you ask for help if you were confused?” i wasnt confused, bruh) - audio processing (THIS IS RLY BAD FOR ME... I NEED SUBTITLES ALL THE TIME...) theres stuff i do that goes against an adhd diagnosis tho; - i can make lists and break tasks down to make them more manageable and I tend to stick to it if Im doing ok (if not i executive dysfunction too much) - i’m like, super organized. too organized. (I caused my old housemates grief bc i organized everything into neat boxes to the point they couldnt find anything any more bc they couldnt process it, even tho it was clearly labeled to me. don’t even start me on minecraft chests... i do it compulsively, and I get big serotonin when everything around me is in its place) - time management; this one is a complicated one bc time is like an oiled ferret. i have it in my hands some times when im focusing on it rly hard, but then it gets away from me and i have to spend the next 3 hours coaxing it out from under the bed while i stare at my screen willing myself to go to bed before 7am. wait. shit. Im literally doing that now. I thought it was 5am?!!! - I never lose stuff (like, sometimes stuff goes missing but everything has its place and I know where stuff is, so like, I don’t ever lose stuff. sometimes i think i’ve lost something but its bc i didn’t look hard enough in its spot...) - task focusing at work (I hyper focus on tasks at work to the point I can’t task switch easily bc that thing i was doing isnt done yet and what do you mean you need this done now but also a customer needs serving?! make up ur damn mind) - I’m good at waiting my turn (maybe this is just me being from the uk tho. queue culture is life here) - cause i’m chonically tired/ill I’m not active/on the go at all, and i love just sitting in one spot for hours

i did a quiz on it and scored high, and it says i have moderate inattentive adhd/add... but what if its just overlapping symptoms? i was neglected at home/school, so i never had any basis for knowing these things about me when i was a kid...

[credulouscanidae]

i just wanna…complain a bit here but im hesitant to cuz when i talk about my head stuff and wellbeing theres always someone who stumbles into my ask box criticizing me but whatever

just had my first appointment with a psychologist about gender transition and im…..unhappy? i mean if this is the shit you have to go through to transition then bloody hell are the people who got through it are strong

firstly i was talked over and did more listening than explaining. she kept making assumptions and kinda acted like i SHOULD be saying yes to them.

she just….had a lot of generally shitty views. she kept basically saying “pronouns are too confining cuz im just me ^_^” and she even said similar about autism (cuz i had to talk about my family and that came up). shes like “what even is autism anyway ya know? it’s just a collection of traits ppl have. YOU could even be on the spectrum” and basically alluding to that whole “everyone is kinda autistic” BULLSHIT. made me super uncomfortable.

she asked me if i had any support networks and i explained i get a lot of support online. i was going on to say i get lots of rl support but she cuts me off and goes into this ramble about online not being validating enough cuz u NEED rl support. after her rant i kinda defensively said i have a good rl support network. didnt even get to explain WHO cuz she kept fucking interrupting me with her bullshit.

then i had to give a brief timeline of my life and of course that means talking about dad. she asked if i had any suicide attempts which i stupidly said yes. she keeps relating my experiences to “oh yeah lots of trans ppl have had this happen….father issues among transmen is very common” and im like…what are u getting at. ugh. i explained one of my suicide attempts that was inspired by my older brother’s attempt method. she said i was being a bit of a copycat cuz i saw bro do it and she trivialized it to “playing chicken with a train” and “would you even count that as a suicide attempt?”

also she kept going on about how the brain isn’t developed until 22 years old and then kinda used that as an excuse to start talking about how young trans people are …..god idk?? she basically said “in the 70s it was punk….these days it’s gender haha” kinda like a statement?? that pissed me off. got to the point where i felt like i had to add in exaggerated anecdotes about my childhood to even SEEM VALID. all what i said was true, just exaggerated.

i didn’t tell her about my bpd out of fear, but she mentioned bpd at one point basically saying “ppl like that have identity issues so we’re hesitant to let them medically transition”

then it got really fucking awkward when i was talking about my depression and how much better im managing it. i mention i have ambition and hope for the future, which is different to a few years back. she asks what things make me hopeful, i tell her my partner (we talked about him before this but i’ll explain this soon), my friends, the idea of gender transition, making a living, etc. then she’s like “if gender was taken out of that mix, would u still be hopeful?” and im like “uhhhh….i mean…life would be harder for me but i could get by…i just dont see myself in a future without transition…im tired of living like this” and then shes like “thats a bit of a red flag. are you saying you’d kill yourself if you didnt get to transition?” (we had just been talking about suicide) and im like….legit shocked. im like “no??” and then had to spend 5 minutes, nearly on the verge of tears, trying to explain that that’s not what i meant. she said that that’s the WRONG reason to want to transition and puts pressure and manipulation on her to approve it. i said thats not what i meant and that i find the “lemme transition or i kill myself” thing wrong.

so that made me feel extremely fake and manipulative and awful lmao

and earlier before this convo when she asked what my support networks were, i FINALLY got to explain i have a lot of rl friends and roommates and honestly the only prominent online support is from my partner since he’s from the uk. this turns into a running convo that appears throughout the session about internet safety. she questioned “but how is that even a relationships, like what do u do?” and then i shyly say that we talk on skype/video chat almost daily and then she goes on this spiel about “people on the internet can make themselves out to be like anything they want to be to appeal to you” and i got super defensive. i said i trust him and i know what im on about. she asks how long we’ve been dating (there goes my wanting to tell her it’s a qpr) and i exaggerated AGAIN saying weve been friends for 2 years and been together 6 months. lets not forget when i finally tell her about my mum and shes like “did u seek out your relationship with your partner after your mums death? did u get attached bc of that?” and then she said some other shit about autism that i dont even wanna talk about on here.

and oh goddddd what else.

OH YEAH i had to tell her about my abuse history and by extension mums and she basically asked “how do u know youre not being abused by this partner in the uk?” following her logic that im doomed to be abused just because mum was and i have been in the past.

and then as i left she kept stressing that i need to get approval by other doctors saying im emotionally stable and not at risk of suicide bc hormones can fuck u up. and yeah ok fair enough. i tell her im very in touch with my emotions and she says back “well if you’re reading them properly”

who fucking knows anymore.

lady, you’re trans so you know better than anyone else what dysphoria feels like. you talked 80% of the time for an HOUR. you DON’T KNOW who I AM. you do NOT know SHIT about me or my struggles or the fact that ive been ACTIVELY WORKING ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS FOR YEARS. (OH AND ACCORDING TO HER “MENTALLY ILL” IS A PROBLEMATIC TERM CUZ ???? WHY??)

and i cant even use my psychiatrist to write a letter saying im stable and ready for transiton cuz earlier to-fucking-day he told me i should hold off transition until my bpd is under control and that it’s not smart to pursue it. oh and also he put me on medication. :)

yeah uhhhhhhhh…..i think i know myself better better than anyone. im not coming into this expecting transition to be easy. dont even think i was oblivious to how emotional it can be. it’s fucking awful. i know this. ive had literally 3 different doctors tell me “OOOOOO YOURE EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE TRANSITION ISNT A GOOD THING YOU PROBABLY JUST CONFUSED” and im like….yeah…..definitely confused after all these years. definitely. it’s not like i  stayed trans even after all this shit or anything. gender psych wants me to “unwrap” my sexual trauma so she can….idfk….deem me really trans or some shit.

how the fuck do people deal with professionals. ive had small doses of this sorta shit my entire counseled life, always trivializing my symptoms to just being “stressed”. i wasnt believed about my symptoms besides depression+anxiety for YEARS…and now that im finally opening up about my bpd and gender stuff, im getting this intense dose of professional bullcrap and im already sick of it.

gender psych interrupted me and condescended me the entire time. shes so fucking ableist ESPECIALLY towards autistic people (and once again my allistic privilege played a part cuz i can only IMAGINE how differently that appointment wouldve gone) and seems very technophobic, or at least against the way things are these days with LDRs and young trans ppl.

whatever. lets hope next session wont be so fucking messy.

[wiiindyblathers]

RULES: Tag nine people you want to get to know better!

Relationship status: can relate to the Wholesome S/O Memes because of my intelligent, creative, badass, and absolutely beautiful girlfriend @catlily1 <3

Lipstick or chapstick?: Chapstick, because I am always Stressed™

Last song I listened to: “2-1″ by Imogen Heap

Last movie I watched: Moana, for like the third time this week lmao

(gonna need multiple paragraphs for these last two bc I have a lot of feelings) Top 3 Characters: Now, I know I talk about Sans and his many variants a lot, but Undyne is the bomb. You can never have enough of this determined fish warrior. She’s simply too awesome. You can do anything while listening to “Spear of Justice”; “Battle Against a True Hero” is a writer’s best friend for hyping up for fight scenes; knowing anime songs by heart is cool when you remember she probably does, too. On a more serious note, though, as a lesbian, she is hugely empowering to me. I know, “she’s just a character” and all that, but... Seeing somebody like her, who never backs down and strengthens everyone around her, who loves her friends with her entire Soul, who isn’t demure or quiet about things that may alienate her and yet succeeds in so much, makes me think that just maybe, I can succeed, too. I can be powerful; I can be important; I can find love; and most of all, I don’t have to be shy about any of it. Next, let’s talk about Symmetra. I’m sure you guys know this already, but, holy shit, she’s autistic! Another role model!!! This lady is the classiest of the classy, the smartest of the smart, and the most badass of the badass. Yeah, maybe you don’t have to aim with the short-range gun, but she still takes skill to play well... And also, when you get stuck with an awful team, it’s fun to put the teleporter off the edge of a cliff and watch them burn, baby, burn. To the enemy team: enjoy getting cooked alive by the Sentry Gate. Oh, you’ve got a nice little sniper perch? Say hello to my supercharged death orbs. Don’t screw with Symmetra - especially before they fix the buff. MotherfUCKING,,, CHALUPA TAACO-BLUEJEANS. The name explains itself, but I’ll infodump anyway. This theory got out of control, and I could not possibly be happier. If she turns out to be canon, I’ll be overjoyed - and if not, we can still keep her as an AU, right? Gotta love AUs. Not sold on the concept? Just imagine Leon turning into a fucking ice sculpture of rage and fear when he sees Taako has a twin. She’s spent the entire series doing nothing but chilling out in a cave, supporting her bro, burning macaroons, and voring evil wizards. What’s not to love? Please, Griffin, give us the butch lesbian wizard icon we need. We can pay you in preemptive fanart. Honorable mentions: Bismuth (she was tied *this close* with Symmetra), Maggiequinnus Burnsides, Peridot, Cecil Palmer, and Sayaka Miki

Top 3 Ships: The number one spot has to go to Hurloane. Hurley did everything in her power to save Sloane until the very end, refusing to give up at every step of the path she knew was treacherous and would probably not survive. Sloane showed Hurley how to enjoy life and look beyond the black-and-white mold without losing integrity, and even when Hurley was at the end of the line because of something she could’ve avoided, she wanted the best for everyone and gave her all to keep Hurley safe. Four arcs later, I’m still holding out for them to be brought back in some wild, convoluted way; maybe as robots like No3113, or the Raven Queen’s new bounty hunters, or perhaps as a sentient tree fusion. I don’t care how it happens, I just want the racing lesbians back. One day, I’ll be able to reblog artwork of Discovery/Recovery without crying, but today is not that day. Nor is it any time soon. I swear, Griffin’s heart-wrenching shenanigans are going to be the end of me... For two, CD!Connverse, because I’m too invested in my own AU and really want these poor children to get a happy ending. Seriously, they’ve been through a lot for their ages; no kids should have to deal with what they have, and yet, they persevere, and through thick and thin, they have each other’s backs. Plus, Stevonnie would look awesome in this AU. Just sayin’. And third, Cherryberry (yes, I know that a lot of people who ship this are creepy as all hell, and I’m just gonna try and stay far away from that), because aesthetic and also I am a mentally ill nerd who has no idea what she’s doing or who she is as a person and clings to the idea of being able to reinvent one’s identity and find love despite whatever damage you’ve endured to remake that identity and survive. Idk bud, I just think it’s cute. Red is really in need of a “knight in shining armor” type to help him through all that angst. Honorable mentions: ALPHYNE, Team Sweet Flips, Taakitz, Polygems, Magnulia, Sans x less existential terror than usual

Tagged by @archival-hogwash

Tagging @supersexyghotmew95 , @withusgranite , @catlily1 , @maidsonas , @theperfecta , @thesketcherlass , @the-final-pam , @squaremomgsquad , and @diet-deity 

[triplemixedpd]

8/12/20, 1:34am - i wouldnt dare

~text or tell anybody about my new life because at the moment, it consists of things like indulging in squishmallows and fidget toys, and the highlights of my week are either creating/redesigning a new oc or doing chores ~i dont have a job, i dont have a drivers license, but wow i dont even have a personality; literally how the fuck can i talk to anybody else when i dont know how to talk to them??? i hesitate to talk because when i texted danny to try and catch up and tell them about my surgery, i got screamed at and cried at, and then told “i cant do this; i need to sit in the back seat for a bit.” and, i got this reaction for.. doing nothing. literally, nothing. she told me that she thought i was mad at her the entire two months. but, i was texting anna??? they knew i wasnt dead??? and i texted danny on 6/23??? im, sorry??? im sorry ~dude i wish i literally wasnt so blatantly autistic. ~i cant process emotions when i desperately need to, i struggle to understand what i do wrong, i seem to do or say something wrong, or i say something that seems worrying, or just different, to others; i laugh at stupid and repetitive shit, i eat fucking childrens food, i repeat things like im fucking rain man, and im a fucking EMBARRASSMENT!!!  ~i feel like ive disconnected from reality and people as a whole, bc for the past few months ive just delved into my partner, me, our mental health, and our trolls.   ~but at the same time, its nothing new; this isnt new day-to-day conversation. it just happens to be all day, everyday now, in person- something that ive never had with capp before. as opposed to only getting to text them while also juggling everything else; school, family, schoolwork, mental health ~dude, being fake is hard ~ive realized just how fake i am because i dont remember how to talk to anyone else, and seeing how graant reacted just by me trying to literally text them “how are you doing? i miss you!”, im kind of fucking like??? “well??? guess i shouldve just stayed dead honestly???” ~a lot of my day to day consists of thinking/talking about our ocs and plot, drawing, watching shows/movies and playing games, and literally just trying to fucking stay afloat; that last past including a lot of abrupt, sudden suicidal thoughts and crippling fucking self-esteem, paired with hypersensitivity. that is not me being “boohoo poor me sensitive baby :(”, that is the textbook description of what i experience. thats not exactly conversation material with others ~because of melissas reaction and dannys reaction ive felt very unsure of myself  - im unsure if i did the right thing or not  - i dont know what i shouldve done differently, or where i messed up  - i feel like a terrible person, an awful person  - im upset at myself because i get really really confused by people and their expectations, or what they want me to say or do;  - i wonder if im currently displaying the textbook definition of the borderline symptom “impulsive ending relationships”  - and subsequently, im wondering if im thinking rationally; its kind of scary to not know, because i hate myself when im fucking splitting* ~i see that theyre upset, and from experience, i know that they require alone time when stressed. so when theyre stressed, and im the source of the stress, i leave to give her space. and what does THAT equal??? “YOU NEVER TAKE INITIATIVE TO MAKE THINGS UP” “I’M TIRED OF BEING THE ONE THAT FIXES EVERYTHING” ~WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN “TELL THEM WHATS GOING ON IN MY HEAD?????” ~I WAS LITERALLY TERRIFIED TO REACH OUT TO ANYONE??? WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY????? “GOOD MORNING DANNY I JUST SUDDENLY WANTED TO SLIT MY CHEST BECAUSE I SAID SOMETHING STUPID IN A THROWAWAY CONVERSATION AND IT EARNED A SLIGHT CHANGE OF TONE FROM MY PARTNER THAT I INTERPRETED AS AN ‘I HATE YOU’ VIBE [WHEN THATS ACTUALLY NOT THE CASE ITS JUST ALL IN MY DUMBASS INFERIORCOMPLEX-HEADASS HEAD]”???????? ~IT’S A LITERAL SCIENTIFIC FACT THAT ME AND ALL OF MY BAGGAGE IS A FUCKING BURDEN!!! I CANT ENTERTAIN, CONVERSATE, OR FUNCTION WHEN IM EXHAUSTED, AND RECENTLY??? MY BRAIN IS MAKING ME SO SO TIRED ~BUT MY PARTNER DOESNT JUDGE ME OR MIND MY RAMBLINGS ABOUT TROLLS OR MY REPETITIVENESS OR FIDGETING GODDAMN IT!! I DONT HAVE TO HOLD BACK OR WATCH WHAT I SAY LIKE HOW I DID EVERYDAY IN TEXAS!!! ~I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID WRONG!!! ~”IM SORRY THAT I WAS SO EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE AND, DARE I SAY, MENTALLY ILL, THAT I NEGLECTED TO MESSAGE YOU AND TALK”

“I! CAN’T! DO! THIS! ANY! MORE!”

 - *either too cruel or too nice, too aggressive or too passive, too rough or too soft, im too sensitive/serious or “i need to learn to take a joke”, im either a disrespectful and ungrateful brat or the best goddamn trophy-tranny kid on the planet, i either really REALLY love someone or think “oh my god im gonna have to prepare to cut them out of my life so much that its already happened in my head”  ~im scared that maybe im worse than i think i am, and i just dont know it; ive never told anyone the full extent of my symptoms. i guess thats why im seeing a psychologist, right?

[autism-asks]

(Urgent) Are there any resources/tips you all might have on finding jobs for autistic/mentally ill people? I'm 19, have no experience, and am currently looking for my first ever job. I sent an application to an agency bc someone recommended them but I was never comfortable with it so when they responded I got overwhelmed, suicidal, and started crying. It ruined my productive day. Because of upcoming bills I can't wait on job hunting anymore. But I don't know where to start. I feel hopeless.

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time with trying to find a job, and I am sorry that you are stressed out about the upcoming bills. Trying to manage that is very difficult, especially when it gets overwhelming.

Most states have a program to help people find jobs. Usually it is called an Unemployment Office, or a Workforce program, or something similar. In Texas it is called Workforce Solutions.

You can usually schedule an appointment online to speak to a job counselor. If there are jobs looking specifically for autistic individuals, they will know about. Many states offer programs for work placement for disabled people, and if you tell them you are autistic they might be able to help you with a program like that.

Even if they don’t have autism specific programs or companies seeking autistics, they can still help you find a job. They will ask your questions about what you can and cannot do, and they will put it in a computer and search for jobs.

They can usually help disabled people people by making the initial phone calls to schedule interviews and the like on your behalf.

While autistic specific programs may require a clinical diagnosis, just getting help from them will not.

- Sam