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rainoverthemountains · 5 years ago

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Twist story chapter 12

Twistfell and everything associated with it belong to @itsladykit

These guys really get away from me. We haven’t yet gotten to some of the events that were originally planned for chapter 4. Meanwhile, they insist on having some pretty strong feelings for what’s probably still a gen fic, or at least gen-ish. But eh, why do relationships always have to fit into neat categories, anyway? I doubt any of these guys would be terribly concerned about it.

Summary: There’s a cure for LV (probably). It’s completely safe (probably). It’s a highly unpleasant experience (definitely). Twist only cares about that first statement. He probably should have paid a little more attention to the other two. But what does it matter? He’s getting what he wants, and he has the best friends and family in any universe to help along the way.

chapter 1, chapter 11

Chapter 12

Either the pillow wall works or Twist remembers that moving is a bad idea, because he actually manages to stay in bed this time, to Cash’s relief. He smiles when Cash enters the room but doesn’t say anything, also to Cash’s relief. Twist is reasonably content and not saying ridiculous things that hit Cash in all the wrong places, so everything is as good as it’s probably going to get.

“the kitchen’s cleaned up and i got you some more water.” Not that it was a mess in the first place, but at least the dirty water bottle is in the dishwasher. He hands the refilled bottle to Twist, who again smiles at being able to hold it himself.

“Thanks, sweetheart.” He takes a sip. “D’licious as always. Could sell this stuff.”

“not that i’m opposed to taking advantage of the gullibility of the general public, but i think it would take more marketing than either of us want to deal with to convince anyone to buy the water from your kitchen sink.”

“I don’ know ‘bout that. I’ve got a great sales pitch; ‘Guaranteed ta make ya feel like yer soul’s not meltin’ fer at least 15 seconds after ya drink it!’ Sales’ll go through the roof!”

“i suspect it needs some work before it’ll appeal to a general audience.”

“Yer probly right. Might only int’rest a specific type a clientele.” He finishes the bottle, so Cash teleports to the kitchen to get more. He’s not going to be caught unprepared with something as easy to keep on hand as water, especially with this new revelation that Twist’s soul apparently always feels like it’s melting and water makes it go away for a few seconds. It’d have been nice to know about that earlier, but far be it from Twist to ask for something he needs.

Twist accepts the fresh water gratefully, but doesn’t drink much, so maybe he’s feeling better now. “Whatcha rushin’ around so much for, anyway? Tha’s not like ya.”

“have to make sure i’m here to rescue your stupid ass the next time you decide to fling yourself to the floor instead of staying in bed and going to sleep like a normal person.”

“Aww, sweetheart, if I’da known you were so attached ta my ass I’da taken better care a’ it.”

“it’s not so much that i’m attached to it as that i’m tired of picking it up off the floor.”

“Oh come on, it was only one time! An’ it’s a great ass! You should be honored ta be the one ta pick it up!” This is ridiculous, but Twist is grinning, and not that vague, confused smile from earlier either.

“anything to do with your ass is an ‘honor’ i could do without. how about you keep it in bed until you can pick it up yourself?”

“But darlin’, that’d-” the breath catches in his throat as his body goes rigid. His face tightens and his eyelight rolls up into his skull as a strangled whine escapes.

“what’s wrong? twist? fuck.” Another attack? They’re probably lucky to have made it this long without one. But then all the tension leaves Twist’s body. “twist?” Twist blinks.

“Wha?”

“what happened? is it over?”

“I… I don’…”

“what was that?” Surely it wasn’t an attack. Nodes don’t dissolve that fast. Do they?

“Dunno… it… I – hnnn!” His back arches and his face twists in agony. Then he collapses again, panting.

“what’s happening? i haven’t seen this before. has it happened before?”

“Dunno… felt… it felt like when… like a node thing, but FUCK!” His claws dig into the blanket underneath him, then relax again. “I think this’s new. Wish it’d stop.” Head dropping limply to the side, he lays panting for a few moments while Cash watches in concern. Maybe it’s nothing to worry about. If it lasted even a little longer, he’d say it was definitely a node. Iggy reported a wide range of variation in node dissolution time. Maybe even a couple of seconds is normal, what does he know? And she clearly never bothered to inform Twist about what to expect, so it’s not surprising that he wouldn’t know either. But three times in a row? That’s not in any report he’s read.

Twist screams, then whines again, hands curling up against his ribs. Ok, this is definitely not normal. He’s almost sure of it. Except how can he be sure about anything? For all that he’s studied the reports and Twist’s personal experience with it, they know next to nothing about this treatment. They need more information.

“Patches, uh, sweetheart, uh, I think… sumthin’s wrong. I don’ think this’s normal. ‘s all kinda a blur, and it’s hard ta tell when one thing stops an’ another starts. But I think it’s s’posed ta last longer ‘n that an’ I don’ think it starts again so fast. But maybe not? I… I don’-” Then the pain comes again. Then it leaves. Then again, and again, as they soon lose count. It’s not a completely regular pattern. Sometimes there are only seconds between bursts of pain, sometimes nearly a minute, but they never stop.

Not knowing when the next one will start is almost as bad as the pain itself. During the first of the longer pauses they both start to relax, thinking it might be over, before a wave of pain hits hard enough to briefly knock Twist unconscious until the next wave drags him back to awareness. Now he’s constantly tense, curled up in anticipation of the next wave even when they pause long enough for him to speak somewhat normally. Neither of them knows what to do.

“Dunno what’s happenin’. I don’… is sumthin’ wrong?” How’s Cash supposed to know? Everything’s wrong, but is this more wrong than normal?

“do you remember anything at all like this happening, or iggy mentioning anything? anything at all?”

“Dunno. Don’ think it’s done this before, don’t know hhhhhhg,” scrabbling at his ribs, one hand finds its way into his ribcage and gropes blindly for his soul. Cash grabs the hand before it does any damage, and Twist clings to him until the pain recedes.

“Thanks, sweetheart. Hate ta think what it’d do if I got ahold a my soul like that. ‘s just what I need shit,” his hand clamps down on Cash’s, claws digging into the joints. Cash yelps but he won’t pull away because he decided back in the lab that he won’t do that to Twist again and he still won’t. And what if Twist goes for his soul again? He’d shred it if he held it like he’s holding Cash’s hand, so Cash can’t pull away, but if it doesn’t stop soon Cash might end up with a few less fingers.

Twist’s eyes blink open then dart to where he’s crushing Cash’s hand, which he drops like a hot iron. “Sorry,” he moans, “so sorry darlin, didn’t mean ta, didn’ even realize.”

“it’s fine. i’m more concerned about you. what can i do to help you?”

“Dunno. Can’t… jus’ don’ touch me cause I can’t…” Is that because he doesn’t want to be touched or because he’s afraid of hurting Cash? And what’s happening? He’s only seen one example of a node dissolving; is this normal or has something gone wrong? Should he call Iggy? Hours after telling her off and taking Twist away to take care of him himself?

Twist’s back arches and he digs his claws into the bed. He falls back to the bed and pants in exhaustion, then tenses again and bangs his skull against the pillow hard enough that the bedframe shakes. Cash grabs his skull to stop him, but lets go when he moans and pulls away.

“stop that. you don’t need brain damage on top of everything else.” The headbanging doesn’t return, but this time Twist doesn’t relax at all as they wait for the next attack.

“Please don’ touch me. Don’ wanna hurt ya, sweetheart.”

“i’m not the one getting hurt here, idiot. just let me help you.”

“How? C’n ya make it stop?” Why does he have to sound so hopeful? Of course Cash can’t make it stop! Cash can’t do anything, and why did he ever think he could help with this? He doesn’t know anything about this treatment, and even if he gets all of Iggy’s reports, how does he know any of it applies in Twist’s case? Fucking idiot, signing himself up for a treatment that’s only been tested on monsters with half his LV. If Cash had to start caring about someone, why couldn’t it have been someone with a halfway-decent sense of self-preservation? And why can’t Twist have someone to look after him who has half a clue what he’s doing? Instead all he has is Cash.

Twist screams again, and then he’s reaching for his soul again, and there’s no way Cash is letting him do himself irreversible damage just because he’s a self-sacrificing idiot who thinks Cash is too fragile to hold his hand. He grabs the hand that’s trying to grab Twist’s soul and grits his teeth at the claws that inevitably find his joints, wiping the expression from his face when Twist’s eyes open so the idiot doesn’t decide he’s breaking Cash’s hand or something.

“So sorry, darlin’. Just please don’ touch me. Please? Don’ know what’s happenin’ an’ I don’ wanna hurt ya.”

“i’m not letting you hurt yourself. the worst you’ve done is scratch me. i think you’re pretty harmless at the moment.”

“But what if ’m not? This thing keeps lettin’ me get better in between so I’m stronger than ‘m s’posed ta be, an’ I keep fergettin’ that I gotta stay in control now, so I don’ know what I could do when I don’ know what I’m doin’.”

“what do you mean, you have to stay in control now?

“Haven’t had ta worry ‘bout it since the medicine fucked me up too bad ta hurt anyone, but when it started I was a mess. ‘s part’a why Iggy had ta tie me up. Every time I got free, I did sumthin’ bad, even though she was jus’ tryna help me. Didn’t mean ta, but I kept doin’ it anyway, an’ I don’ wanna hurt ya, sweetheart.

“are you saying you want to be tied up again?”

“No! Or, or if this keeps goin’ on, maybe?” He shudders, but presses on. “It screws with my head, darlin’, it really… ghhhhhhhh, shit�� really, really screws with my head, and I shouldn’t be able ta move by now, but I still can, so I don’ know what I’ll do, an’ the whole point was so I don’ hurt anyone but now I’m so fucked up I might anyway an’ I can’t-”

“are you trying to hurt me?”

“No! Sweetheart, no, I’m tryin’ not ta but I ferget an’-”

“then stop worrying about it. i’m not going to dust from a few accidental scratches. you will dust if you crush your own soul. i don’t know what’s happening to you, but you hurting me is the least of my concerns.”

“Ya don’ know that, darlin’. What if I ferget who ya are? I do that sometimes, an’ what if mmmmm…” he trails off in a moan and tries to pull his hand away from Cash. Tries and fails, of course, because he’s weak as a babybones and about as much of a threat as one, too, whatever he might think.

Cash holds onto Twist through several more short attacks, eventually holding onto both hands as Twist seems determined to get to his soul. The first time Twist regains awareness with both hands restrained, he panics, so Cash lets go. After that, Cash makes sure to keep away from his wrists and Twist stays calm. Having solved the immediate problem of keeping Twist from hurting himself, Cash turns his attention to the bigger problem of what’s happening to Twist. Unfortunately, he’s no closer to an answer, and a glance at the clock shows it’s been going on for nearly half an hour with no sign of ending. What would a sign even be? He doesn’t know enough about this, but he so doesn’t want to consult with Iggy.

Twist looks and sounds completely fried. He never relaxes for fear of the next attack, which come at random intervals and with random intensities. He’s stopped telling Cash not to touch him, and just looks guiltily at any new scratches that appear on his hands. Mostly, though, he stares at the ceiling. He’s done that far too much since the treatment started.

“Wish it’d stop.” That’s an understatement if Cash has ever heard one. He’s rarely felt more helpless.

“maybe i should call iggy.” He hates to even suggest it, especially when the breath catches in Twist’s ribcage and his socket widens in fear, but what if something is really wrong and he doesn’t know how to recognize it, or what if there’s something he should be doing, or-

“Ok.” Shit, Twist sounds so resigned. Why won’t he argue when he doesn’t like something? Is he resigned because he doesn’t want to see Iggy but agrees they need her help, or because he doesn’t want anything to do with her but doesn’t think Cash will listen to him any better than she did?

“i don’t trust her, but she knows more about this treatment than either of us, and this can’t continue.” Twist’s face falls, and he looks away with an expression of… guilt? Wait, why’s he guilty?

“Ok. Sorry.”

“what are you sorry for? you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Sorry ya went ta so much trouble ta get me outta there an’ it didn’t work.”

“it didn’t work? seems to me like it worked just fine, considering that this is your bedroom and not a lab.” He’s got to get better at interpreting Twist’s disconnected statements. There’s always something he needs to know in there, but it’s hard to find.

“Yeah but now ya gotta take me back.”

“what!?”

“Sorry, I know ‘m too hard ta take care of, I don’ blame ya an’ it was real nice ta be away from there fer awhile, but I already hurt ya an’ yer too nice ta tie me up an’ my self-control is shit an’ I’m too much trouble ta take care of and now there’s this new thing goin’ on an’ I don’ know what it is either so I know ya gotta take me back an’-”

“shut the fuck up. i’m not taking you back there. after everything she did, you think i’m going to just leave you there again? what kind of an asshole do you think i am?” Twist is stunned into silence.

“she did a terrible job of taking care of you. it was her job and she didn’t even try, and don’t give me that bullshit about it being your fault or it being worth it to get rid of your lv. she should have done better and there’s no excuse, and i will never leave you back in that lab. if i had a problem with anything you’ve done, i’d have said so. do i look like a pushover to you?”

Wide-eyed, Twist whispers, “no, but sweetheart…”

“but what?”

Twist briefly whimpers and shudders in pain, but then pushes through it. “Patches, I…” he clears his throat. “I don’t… but you said…”

“i said we should call her. to ask what’s going on. not to send you back. you’re not going back.”

“Oh.” His sockets close in relief. He actually thought Cash would take him back to that lab and leave him there. Cash honestly can’t decide if that says more about Twist’s non-existent sense of self-worth or his opinion of Cash. He knows he’s an ass, but does he really come off as the kind of person who would do that to his friend? Yeah, they’re friends. Just because he doesn’t advertise it to the whole world doesn’t mean he’s not attached to the idiot, and he thought the idiot knew that. On the other hand, he’s pretty sure Twist doesn’t consider himself to be worth much of anything to anyone, and the way that bitch kept blaming everything on him can’t have helped, so maybe he really did think sending him back there was something a reasonable person would do? What the hell is Cash supposed to do with that? He’s not the one to help someone else with their psychological problems. Even if it is Twist. Fuck he wants to be good enough to help Twist.

The attacks just keep coming. Twist is completely drained, and also terrified. He won’t say it, but he is. He’s constantly shaking, and stopped talking soon after the conversation about calling Iggy. He’s also getting weaker. Whereas at first a bad attack could leave deep scratches on Cash’s hands, now it barely causes Twist to tense. This can’t go on. Cash is calling Iggy.

Twist probably doesn’t have the strength or coordination to hurt himself anymore, so Cash gently lays his hands at his sides to go get his phone. Iggy answers on the second ring.

“Hello?”

“this is cash. i need information about twist’s treatment.”

“Oh good, I’m glad you called, because you left way too quickly and I didn’t get to tell you more than the bare minimum, which really isn’t enough for the condition he’s in. If you’d just bring him back by the lab I’ll look him over and give you some more thorough instructions for treatment and monitoring-”

“he’s not coming back to the lab except on the schedule we already agreed to. if you need to ‘look him over’ you can come here. right now, i need you to tell me whether what’s happening is a problem, and if it is, i need to know what to do about it.”

“That would be a lot easier in the lab-”

“he’s not going.”

“But if you’ll describe his symptoms, I’ll see what I can tell you.” Don’t piss her off. They need her help, so don’t piss her off, however much she pisses him off.

“it’s like some extremely shortened version of that attack i saw in the lab, only a few seconds at a time, but it’s been happening for the past,” he checks his watch, “40 minutes, with pauses between five seconds and one minute.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s definitely good you called me. It sounds like there’s a buildup of corrupted magic somewhere-”

“what?!”

“Oh, it’s not as bad as it sounds, don’t worry, it’s just a byproduct that his soul shouldn’t have any trouble dealing with, even in its current condition, except that it can build up in one area beyond what that part of the soul can deal with and start causing problems. It’s relatively rare, but I should’ve expected it with him because of the amount of LV we’re dealing with. It would normally clear on its own but it might have gotten concentrated enough to disrupt the primary mana flow, which would interfere with the normal repurification process.”

“and that’s what’s causing his symptoms?”

“Yeah, probably, I mean it would be easier to tell if I could see it in person and we won’t know for sure until you examine his soul for the dark spot where it’s built up, but it’s definitely the best explanation for what you’re describing. The concentrated corrupted magic tends to send shocks through the whole system, which probably feel a lot like a node dissolving because they follow the same mana pathways. You really should have called me earlier, that could be really dangerous.”

“how was i supposed to know that when you didn’t tell me?”

“This is why you shouldn’t have taken him out of the lab. You don’t know enough to recognize a problem and his high LV means he’s almost guaranteed to experience some problems that were rare in my other subjects.”

“then tell me what to look for, like you should have done when i told you i was taking him.”

“I’ll work on writing up a list of warning signs and what they might mean, but it’s hard to classify every possible problem, so it’s really best if you just call me whenever anything seems even slightly odd. It would be even better if you’d bring him back here where he’d be safe, but since you won’t do that, at least keep in phone contact.”

“fine, i’ve called you, and you’ve told me what the problem is. now what should i do about it?

“It’s pretty easy to fix as long as that’s what the problem actually is. You’ll just need to take out his soul and find the dark spot. If there isn’t one, you’re going to have to bring him in, because that means something else is wrong that I can’t diagnose over the phone, but if it’s there, you just need to massage the affected area to break up the corrupted magic and get his circulation going again. His soul should take care of the rest. It’ll be oversensitive so you might get a negative reaction. I’d say restrain him but you’d probably get all offended so at least get out of reach of his claws. You might not care about him clawing you but I bet you’ll care if he makes you drop his soul.”

“i’ll handle it.” Stars, she talks about souls like they’re just some random object, like anyone can just pick them up and fuck around with them and not like they’re something that shouldn’t be touched except under specific circumstances in the kind of relationship they do not have. He’s reminded of Twist’s minimal reaction when she switched him to the smaller monitor. It was like he’d been desensitized to having his soul screwed around with, probably because he had. Cash wants to kill her. He wants to kill her so badly, but they need her, and right now he’s wasting time.

“You’d better get on with it,” she echoes his thoughts. “He should be perfectly fine if you fix it soon, but if it goes on too long it will kill him.”

“what?!” That sounds like something she knows from experience, which means this has killed someone before. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. “why didn’t you tell me this could kill him?!”

“I thought it was obvious.”

“how could it be obvious when you were talking about it like some minor scientific curiosity?!”

“I was not! I was just giving you the facts – no, this is stupid. I’m not letting an argument kill my patient.” Now she’s going to act like the one trying to look out for Twist?! Where does she get off – no. She’s right about that, this is stupid, and it’s wasting time.

“so i need to get his soul and look for a dark spot? i’m putting you on speaker phone.”

“Yeah, it should show up pretty clearly against the color of his magic. Tell me when you’ve found it before you do anything; I want to make sure it is what I think it is. Actually, can you text me a picture?”

“sure.” Now he has to take out Twist’s soul. He knew he’d have to do something with it when he took over the treatment, but now that he has to actually take it, it seems horribly invasive. He’s not the kind of monster who would touch another monster’s soul without their permission. That’s just an absolutely disgusting thing to do. It’s different in a fight. That’s using magic against an opponent, not the same thing at all. Not that Twist is going to object to saving his life, but it still seems repugnant, especially with him barely conscious and unresponsive. Stars, if he’s not going to be able to agree to this then it would be easier if he was completely unconscious instead of vaguely staring in Cash’s direction and twitching every few seconds.

“Have you found it yet? Don’t tell me you’re getting squeamish. If you can’t do it, you’d better bring him back here right now because he’s not going to survive living with someone who’s afraid to touch his soul.”

“fuck off.” Twist isn’t going to die because Cash has developed a sudden, inconvenient respect for personal space. He reaches into Twist’s ribcage and forces himself to gently close his hand around Twist’s soul, a task made both easier and harder by the complete lack of a reaction from Twist. Taking care not to bump into any ribs or apply any unnecessary pressure whatsoever, he draws the soul into the open air and then cradles it in both open hands to examine it. Most of the surface is the same as the first time he saw it in the lab, off-colored and raw with pieces scooped out that he now knows are from however she scraped off all of the calcification to make injections easier. He has to turn it over to find what he’s looking for; a darkened area about the size of a penny. He takes a picture and sends it to Iggy, despite reservations that it’s probably not good to send around pictures of someone’s soul.

“if i find that all over the internet tomorrow, i’ll know who’s responsible.”

“Are you seriously implying that I’d post my patient’s medical information on the internet? What kind of doctor do you think I am?”

“a scientist, not a doctor, and it would fit in with the rest of your ethical standards. now what’s the diagnosis? is it what you thought it was?”

“Definitely, and it’s getting pretty bad, but we caught it in time. All you need to do is gently rub the discolored area until the discoloration goes away. It shouldn’t take long. Don’t press too hard because bruising will just make it worse.”

Fantastic. Now not only is he holding Twist’s soul without his permission while Twist stares at him blankly, he has to massage it. Could this get any worse? Well, yes, of course it could, he could stand around whining about it until Twist dies. That would be worse. So stop complaining and do what needs to be done.

“sorry, twisted, i’ll put it back as soon as i can.” Not that Twist seems likely to hear him, but Cash explains his actions just in case he can as he begins to rub the affected area. “i’m sure this feels strange. i’m not sure how much you heard of what iggy said, but the reason i’m doing this is to fix your magic circulation, which will make you feel better.”

“He can’t hear you. He’s got to be too far out of it by now.”

“you have no way of knowing whether that’s true, and i’d rather risk talking to someone who can’t hear me than him being aware enough to know someone is doing something to his soul but not knowing why.” She must not have a counter argument for that because she doesn’t respond. Cash never does see the negative reaction she warned him about, but then, Twist isn’t reacting to anything.

Gradually, the color of the dark patch fades, at first diffusing into the surrounding area and then disappearing completely over the next couple of minutes. “i think the color is gone. i don’t see it anymore.”

“Good. He’s probably fine now. If it’s faded enough to no longer be visible then it’s at a low enough concentration that he should be able to deal with it. Is he conscious?”

“his eyes are open but he’s not reacting.”

“Any signs of more of those mini-attacks?”

“no, but i’m not sure he’d react to one if it happened at this point.”

“Hmm. He’s probably fine, but it’s hard to be sure while he’s unresponsive. Maybe hang on to his soul for a minute or two to keep an eye on the color, and then if nothing’s happened you can put it back. You shouldn’t need me unless something changes so I’m going to get back to work. Call me if the color changes again or if he has another mini-attack, or if anything else happens.”

“ok. when can i expect the more detailed set of care instructions and warning signs?”

“I’ll get it to you as soon as possible. Like I said, it’s hard to write everything out because so much of it is just things I recognize from experience, and he’s going to be different from the other research subjects anyway, but I’ll see what I can come up with. I really need to get back to work now, unless there’s anything else you need?”

“no, just get me that information.”

“As soon as possible, yep. Bye.” She hangs up, leaving Cash with nothing to do but sit staring at Twist’s soul in his hands. It’s not doing anything, but he’d hate to put it back too early and let the whole thing happen all over again. With the urgency gone from the situation, it has become incredibly awkward. He really hopes Twist is too out of it to know what’s happening and that he stays that way for a while longer.

Of course, he can’t have that kind of luck. Twist blinks at him, and then his blank stare turns to one of confusion.

“Hey, uh, watcha doin’, sweetheart?” The hoarse whisper makes heat rise in Cash’s cheekbones. No, no, absolutely not. This is all part of a medical treatment, nothing weird about it at all. Just act normal.

“there was a problem with your magic that disrupted its flow in your soul. i had to break it up manually to get it working again.”

“Oh, tha’s fine, then. Havin’ all sorts’a problems with my magic.” They both stare at each other for a moment. “C’n I have it back now?”

“huh? oh, yeah, here.” Cash returns Twist’s soul perhaps a little more quickly and less carefully than he would like, but Twist doesn’t seem to mind. He seems very relieved.

“Thanks, sweetheart. Yer always… yer so… thanks.” That sounds like more than thanks for ending an awkward situation. Why does he feel like he’s being thanked for giving it back at all? Twist is never going back to that lab. Except his agreement with Iggy was to bring him back once a week, so that’s not really possible. That’s for later, though. For now, focus on what Twist needs now.

“do you remember what happened?”

“Yeah, most’a it, at least. Not really sure what happened towards the end. Sorry ‘bout yer hands.”

“my hands are fine.” Actually, they sting pretty badly, but there’s no way he’s telling Twist that.

“Don’ look fine.”

“it’s just a few scratches, nothing to worry about.”

“If ya say so.” But he looks absolutely miserable about it. Why is he more upset about Cash’s hands than the fact that his own soul can randomly decide to torture him in new and creative ways that may or may not have the potential to kill him, with his only line of defense being Cash, who has no idea what he’s doing?

“i talked to iggy.”

“Kinda remember that. She told ya how ta fix me?”

“how fix this particular problem, at least. it seems there’s a lot she didn’t get around to telling us. she’s supposed to send more information soon.”

“Tha’s good. Be nice ta know wha’s happenin’ ta me sometimes.”

“you should already know what’s happening to you. she should have warned you about everything that could happen.”

“Not like I’da changed my mind, though. Ain’t gonna give up a cure just cuz’a sumthin’ like this.”

“but you could at least have known what to expect so things like this don’t hit you out of nowhere.”

“Probly woulda fergot, anyway. Pretty much had ta accept that I ain’t got a clue what’s happenin’ ta me most’a the time now. Ain’t so bad now I’m home.” He smiles reassuringly at Cash.

“would you stop trying to make me feel better?! you’re the one who’s hurt, not me. and stop justifying everything she does. she treated you terribly and you just keep repeating her excuses!”

“Eh, she’s as Fell as the rest’a us, an’ she never claimed ta be the motherly type. Ain’t none a us with clean hands, an’ I don’ expect ‘er ta make an exception fer me. I’ve got my cure an’ she kept me alive. ‘s ‘bout all I expected.”

“maybe you need higher expectations.”

“Could say the same fer you.” What the fuck is that suppose to mean? “Look, sweetheart, ‘m real tired. I think that kinda fried me. Think I could try ta get some sleep fer a while?” Cash takes a moment to actually look at Twist, and realizes that he looks as bad as he did in the lab. Shit, what’s he doing? He’s arguing with Twist after Twist just spent nearly an hour in agony, and now he’s keeping him awake when he might have a few minutes to actually rest.

“of course you can sleep. you don’t need my permission. just tell me to shut up if i’m keeping you awake.” That gets a weak smile in return. “do you want some water first?” It’s surprising that he’s doing this well without water.

“Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks, darlin’.” He needs help holding the bottle, but gulps down the whole thing. Shit, has he been thirsty the whole time Cash was arguing with him? Why didn’t he say something?

“tell me when you’re that thirsty. don’t wait for me to ask or for a good time or whatever it is. it’s not that hard to get you water. you’re not making anything easier by ignoring what you need.”

“k. Jus’… we were busy talkin’.”

“we can talk after you’re not dying of thirst.”

“Wasn’t dying.”

“fine, when you’re not thirsty enough to drink a whole water bottle. and a few minutes ago you were dying, so maybe think about that the next time you decide to ignore what you need because you don’t think it’s important enough to inconvenience someone.”

“That ain’t got nothin’ ta do with bein’ thirsty. Shit like that comes outta nowhere, an’ there’s nothin’ we c’n do ‘bout it so-”

“we don’t know that. we don’t know what causes any of this, and we don’t know what might make the difference between shit that leaves you laughing about it a minute later and shit that leaves you dust. you can brush it off and claim it’s all worth it, but if I considered your death an acceptable outcome i’d have left you on the path you were on before i paid for this fucking project.”

“Aw, Patches. You were really worried, weren’t ya?”

“of course i was worried! there’s an experimental medicine dissolving parts of your soul, and you don’t seem to care! and neither does your doctor! and i’m the only one here to take care of you, and i can’t rely on you to tell me what you need, and i’m trying to figure it out but i don’t know what you need because this isn’t the kind of thing i do. so don’t tell me everything’s fine and don’t ignore what you need.”

“It jus’ don’t seem like that big a deal.”

“none of your problems are ever a big deal, are they? you just keep smiling like nothing’s wrong while secretly planning how to kill yourself when you can’t pretend everything is fine anymore, like you could somehow make it ok for you to just be gone and like you’re the one to decide that you don’t matter enough for anyone to put the slightest effort into keeping you around.”

“I didn’t want to! I jus’ couldn’ see how ta…”

“how to solve the whole problem yourself without letting anyone else realize how bad it was? how there could possibly ever be a solution to a problem that you knew people were already working on solving? what would have happened if i hadn’t found that list? i knew the lv project existed, but i’d never paid much attention to it because as far as i knew, everything was fine on the surface so we had plenty of time for someone else to figure it out. i didn’t know that you, of all people, were giving up.”

“I didn’ give up! Fuck, sweetheart, ya act like I was ‘bout ta off myself tamorrow! Ya think I wasn’ tryin’ ta hang on? I had a pretty good life goin’ fer myself, an’ I wasn’t in no hurry ta leave it. I toldja that. Jus’ didn’ want ta leave ever’thin’ up ta chance an’ risk waitin’ too long an’ doin’ sumthin’ I’d hate myself for. Jus’ wan’ed ta make sure I’d always be me! An’ it don’ matter now anyway, cause you fixed it! Stars, darlin’, ya fixed it, so sorry if I don’ seem too worried if things get a li’l painful er a li’l dang’rous, or even a lot painful an’ dang’rous, cause I’m gettin’ my whole life back an’ I don’ really care what happens in between.”

“but you’re still doing the same thing. you’re still pretending everything is fine when it’s not and ignoring what you need.”

“I’ve asked ya fer plenty’a things!”

“but you’ve also not asked me for plenty of things, and that’s a problem, because i don’t think you take problems seriously enough when they’re your problems. do you really think it causes me more trouble to pause our conversation and get you some water than it causes you to not have water when you’re thirsty enough to drink the whole bottle?”

“No, but, ‘s just… I dunno. Think ‘m too tired fer this, sweetheart. An’ that is sumthin’ I’m askin’ for. C’n I sleep now? Ya said I could.” Fuck. Now he’s kept Twist awake just to yell at him. This is why he shouldn’t try to take care of people. He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. How does Twist do it when Cash is too caught up in his own bullshit to function? Not by yelling at him, that’s for sure.

“yes, you can sleep. sorry for keeping you awake.”

“Nah, ‘s fine. I know yer just worried. An’ maybe ya got a point, ‘bout askin fer things. Jus’ don’ wanna be too much trouble.”

“you’re not too much trouble. you’re plenty of trouble, but not because of asking for things, and do you know how much i just paid to keep you around? would i have done that if i thought you were too much trouble? have you ever known me to throw my money away?” That gets a smile. A small one, but it’s there.

“Nah, you never waste money. Can’t say I always see the point in what ya buy, but ya never throw it away.”

“then what does that say about you?”

“That there’s no accountin’ fer taste?” Cash glares. “Yeah, yeah, it means ya wanna keep me around. Ya ain’t gotta worry, sweetheart. I wanna keep me around too. Jus’ still comin’ ‘round ta the idea that that’s sumthin’ I c’n actually do.”

“well it is, and i don’t intend to let my investment go to waste, so i expect you to help out by telling me when you need something.”

“Ok. I really am tired, Patches. C’n I sleep now?”

“yes, go to sleep. are you comfortable? do you need anything else?”

“My blanket, maybe? Startin’ ta get cold.” Cash untangles the blanket from where it’s wrapped itself around Twist’s feet and lightly lays it over him. Twist snuggles up in the blanket, which is absolutely not at all adorable except somehow it is, and falls asleep. Cash brings an armchair over to the bed and settles in to keep watch.

chapter 13

#twistfell papyrus #swaptwistfell papyrus #twistfell alphys #hurt/comfort #soul manipulation #internalized victim-blaming #discussion of suicide #no one meant for that conversation to go that deep #not me and not them #it just kind of happened #medical experimentation

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68ejgppd-blog · 5 years ago

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...registration? My husbands name is on the insurance and I own the car.

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cute-aggression-9 · 6 years ago

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I hate the fucking world, to many god damn fuckers it in. to many thoughts about societies all wrapped up together in this place called AMERICA. everyone has their own god damn opinions on every damn thing and you may be saying "well what makes you so different?". because I have something only me and V have, SELF AWARENESS, Call it exortenstiolism or whatever the fuck u want. we know what are to this world and what everyone else is. we learn more than what caused the civil war and how to simplify quadratics in school. we have been watching you people. we know what you think and how you act, all talk and no actions. people who are said to be brave or couragous are usually just STUPID then they say later that they did it on purpose cause they are brave when they did on fucking accident. GOD everything is so corrupt and so filled with opinions little and points of view and peoples' own little agendas and shedules. this isnt a world anymore, its H.O.E. and [no]one knows it. self awareness is a wonderful thing. I know I will die soon, so will you and everyone else. maybe will we be lucky and a comet will smash us back to day 1. people say it is immoral to follow others, they say be a leader. well here is a fuckin news flash for you stupid shits, everyone is a follower! everyone who says they arent a follower and then dresses diff. or acts diff. ... They got that from something they saw on TV or in film or in life. no originality, how many JO MAMMA jokes are there and how many do u think are original and not copied. KEINE. Its a fucking filthy place we live in. all these standards and laws and Great Expectations (webb) are making people into robots even though they might "think" they arent and try to deny it. no matter how hard they try to NOT copy someone I still AM! except for this fucking piece of paper right here, and B.T.W spelling is stupid unless I say. I say spell it how it sounds, it's the fuckin easiest way. hey try this sometime, when someone tells you something, ask "why?" eventually they will be stumped and cant answer anymore. thats because they only know what they need to know in society and school, not real life science. they will end up saying words to this "because! Just shut up!" people that only know stupid facts that arent important should be shot, what fucking use are they. NATURAL SELECTION. KILL all retards, people w/ brain fuck ups, drug adics, people cant figure out to use a fucking lighter. GEEEAWD! people spend millions of dollars on saving the lives of retards, and why. I don't buy that shit like "oh hes my son though!" so the fuck what, he aint normal, kill him, put him out his misery. he is only a waste of time and money, then people say "But he is worth the time, he is human too" no he isnt, if he was then he would swalow a bullet cause he would realize what a fucking waste and burden he was. -- 4/10/98 as I said before, self awareness is a wonderful thing. I know what all you fuckers are thinking and what to do to piss you off and make you feel bad. I always try to be different, but I always end up copying someone else. I try to be a mixture of different things and styles but when I step out of myself I end up looking like others or others THINK I am copying. One big fucking problem Is people telling me what to fuckin do, think, say, act, and everything else. Ill do what you say IF I feel like it. But people (I.E. parents, cops, God, teachers) telling me what to [arrow points to do, think, say, act, and everything else] just makes me not want to fucking do it! thats why my fucking name is REB!!! no one is worthy of shit unless I say they are, I feel like GOD and I wish I was, having everyone being OFFICIALLY lower than me. I already know that I am higher than almost anymore in the fucking welt in terms of universal Intelligence and where we stand in the universe compared to the rest of the UNIV. and if you think I dont know what Im talking about then you can just "ßUCK DICH" and saugen mein Hund! Isnt america supposed to be the land of the free? how come, If im free, I cant deprive a stupid fucking dumbshit from his possessions If he leaves then sitting in the front seat of his fucking van out in plain sight and in the middle fucking nowhere on a Fri fucking day night. NATURAL SELECTION. fucker should be shot. same thing with all those rich snotty toadies at my school. fuckers think they are higher than me and everyone else with all their $ just because they were born into it? Ich denk NEIN. BTW, "sorry" is just a word. it doesnt mean SHIT to me. everyone should be put to a test. an ULTIMATE DOOM test, see who can survive in an environtment using only smarts and military skills. put them in a doom world. no authority, no refuge, no BS copout excuses. If you cant figure out the area of a triangle or what "cation" means, you die! if you cant take down a demon w/ a chainsaw or kill a hell prince w/ a shotgun, you die! fucking snotty rich fuckheads [Censored by J.C.Sheriff Office] who rely on others or on sympathy or $ to get them through life should be put to this challenge. plus it would get rid of all the fat, retarded, crippled, stupid, dumb, ignorant, worthless people of this world. no one is worthy of this planet only me and who ever I choose. there is just no respect for anything higher than your fucking boss or parent. everyone should be shot out into space and only the people I saw should be left behind. 4/12/98 ever wonder why we go to school? besides getting a so called education. its not to obvious to most of you stupid fucks but for these who think a little more and deeper you should realize it. its societies way of turning all the young people into good little robots and factory workers thats why we sit in desks in rows and go by bell schedules, to get prepared for the real world cause "thats what its like". well god damit no it isnt! one thing that seperates us from other animals is the fact that we can carry on actual thoughts. so why don't we? people go on day by day. rutine shit. why cant we learn in school how we want to. why cant we sit on desks and on shelves and put our feet up and relax while we learn? cause thats not what the "real world is like" well hey fuckheads, there is no such thing as an actual "real world". its just another word like justice, sorry, pity, religion, faith, luck and so on. we are humans. if we dont like something we have the fucking ability to change! but we dont, atleast U dont. I would. U just whine/bitch thoughtout life but never do a goddamn thing to change anything. "man can eat, drink, fuck, and hunt and anything else he does is madness" - Based on Lem's quote. boy oh fuckin boy is that true. when I go NBK, and people say things like, "oh it was so tragic," or "oh he is crazy!" or "It was bloody!" I think, so the fuck what, you think thats a bad thing? just because your mommy and daddy told you blood and violence is bad, you think its a fucking law of nature? wrong, only science and math are true, everything, and I mean everyfuckingthing else is man made. my doctor wants to put me on medication to stop thinking about so many things and to stop getting angry. well, I think that anyone doesnt like me is just bullshitting themselves. try it sometime if you think you are worthy, which you probly will you little shits, drop all your beliefs and views and ideas that have been burned into your head and try to think about why your here. but I bet most of you fuckers cant even think that deep, so that is why you must die. how dare you think that I and you are part of the same species when we are sooooooo different. you arent human you are a Robot. you dont take advantage of your capabilites given to you at birth. you just drop them and hop onto the boat and headdown the stream of life with all the other fuckers of your type. well god damit I wont be a part of it! I have thought to much, realized to much, found out to much, and I am to self aware to just stop what I am thinking and go back to society because what I do and think isnt "right" or "morally accepted" NO, NO, NO GOD FUCKING DAMIT NO!I will sooner die than betray my own thoughts. but before I leave this worthless place, I will kill who ever I deam unfit for anything at all. especially life. and i fyou pissed me off in the past, you will die if I see you. because you might be able to piss off others and have it eventually all blow over, but not me. I dont forget people who wronged me. like [Censored by J.C. Sheriff Office] he will never get a chance to read this because he will be dead by me before this is discovered -- 4/21/98 The human race sucks. human nature is smuthered out by society, jobs, and work and school. instincts are deleted by laws. I see people say things that contradict themselves, or people that dont take any advantage to the gift of human life. they waste their minds on memorizing the stats of every college basketball player or how many words should be an a report when they should be using their brain on more important things. the human race isnt worth fighting for anymore. WWII was the last war worth fighting and was the last time human life and human brains did any good any made us proud. now, with the government having scandals and conspiracies all over the fucking place and lying to everyone all the time and with worthless pointless mindless discraceful TV shows on (scratched out) and with everyone ub-fucking-sessed with hollywood and beauty and fame and glamour and politics and anything famous, people just arent worth saving. Society may not realize what is happening but I have; you go to school, to get used to studying and learning how youre "supposed to" so that drains or filters out a little bit of human nature. but thats after your parents taught you whats right and wrong even though you may think differently, you still must to have more of your human nature blown out of your ass. society trys to make everyone act the same by burying all human nature and instincts. Thats what school, laws, jobs, and parents do If they realize it or not and them, the few who stick to their natural instincts are casted out as psychos or lunatics or strangers or just plain different. crazy, strange, weird, wild, these words are not bad or degrading.. if humans were let to live how we would naturaly it would be chaos and anarchy and the human race wouldnt probably last that long, but hey guess what, thats how its supposed to be!!!!! society and goverments are only created to have order and calmness, which is exactly the opposite of pure human nature. take away all your laws and morals and just see what you can do. if the goverment was one entity it would be thinking "hey, lets make some order here and calm these crazy fucks down so we can be constructive and fight other goverments in our own little so called self created "civilizied world" and get rid of all those damn insticts everyone has" well shit I'm to tired wright anymor tonight, so until next time, fuck you all -- 5/6/98 It has been confirmed, after getting my yearboook and watching people like [censored] and [censored] the human race isn't worth fighting for, only worth killing. give the Earth back to the animals, they deserve it infinitely more than we do. nothing means anything more, most quotes are worthless, especially the rearranged ones like "dont fight your enemies, make your enemies fight" you know, quotes that use the same phrase just rearranged, Dumbfuck shit [illegible] wear. its funny, people say "you shouldn't be so different." to me, and 1st I say fuck you dont tell me what I should and shouldn't be and 2ND mother fuckers different is good, I dont want to be like you or anyone which is almost impossible this day w/ all the little shits trying to be "original-copycats", I expect shits like you to criticize anyone who isnt one of your social words; "normal" or "civilized" - see tempest and Caliban. allyou degrading worthless shits. all caught up and brainwashed into the 90's society. "what? you AREN'T going to college, are you are crazy!" holy SHIT that is one fucking BIG Quote that just proves my point. step back and look at yourself fuckers, I dare you, maybe I'll get lucky and you'll step back to far like Nick in Elm3. w/ the same concequence. -- 5/9/98 wooh, different pen. HA! alright you pathetic fools listen up; I have figured it out. the human race strives for exellence in life and community always wanting to bring more =good= into the comm. and nulify =bad= things. anyone who thinks differently than the majority or the leaders is deamed "unusual" or weird or crazy. people want to be a part of something; a family, a service, a club, a union, a community, whatever. thats what humans want. who cares waht you as an individual thinks, you must do what you are told, whether it is jump of a bridge or drive on the right side of the road. protesters in the past protested because the human race that was dominant (Ghandi and the Brits or the king and the americans) wasnt working out = they had fault = they failed = their ideas didnt work. humans dont change that much, they only get better technology to do their work quicker/easier. people always say we shouldnt be racist. why not? Blacks ARE different, like it or not they are. they started on the bottom so why not keep em there. it took the centuries to convince us that they are equal but they still use their color as an excuse or they just discriminate us because we are white. Fuck you, we should ship yer black asses back to Afri-fucking-ca were you came from. we brought you here and we will take you back. America=White. Gays....well all gays, ALL gays, should be killed. mit keine fragen. lesbians are fun to watch if they are hot but still, its not human. its a fucking disease. you dont see bulls or roosters trying to fuck do you? no, I didn't think so. women you will always be under men. its been seen throughout nature, males are almost always doing the dangerous shit while the women stay back. its your animal instincts, deal with it or commit suicide, just do it quick. thats all for now. -- 5/20/98 If you recall your history the Nazis came up with a "final solution" to the Jewish problem... kill them all. well incase you havent figured it out yet, I say, "K I L L M A N K I N D" no one should survive. we all live in lies. people are saying they want to live in a perfect society, well utopia doesnt exist. It is human to have flaws. you know what, Fuck it. why should I have to explain myself to you survivors when half of the shit I say you shitheads wont understand and if you can then woopie fucking do. that just means you have something to say as my reason for killing. and the majority of the audience wont even understand my motives either! they'll say "ah, hes crazy, hes insane, oh well, I wonder if the bulls won." you see! it's fucking worthless! all you fuckers should die! DIE! what the fuck is the point if onlu some people see what I am saying, there will always be ones who dont, ones that are to dumb or naive or ignorrant or just plain retarded. If I cant pound it into every single persons head then it is pointless. fuck mercy fuck justic fuck morals fuck civilized fuck rules fuck laws... DIE manmade words...people think they apply to everything when they dont/cant. theres no such thing as True Good or True Evil, its all relative to the observer. its just all nature, chemistry, and math. deal with it. but since dealing with it seems impossible for mankind, since we have to slap warning labels on nature, then... you die. burn, melt, evaporate, decay, just go the fuck away!!!! YAAAAAH!!!! - 6/12/98- KEIN MITLEID "when in doubt, confuse the hell out the enemy" - Fly 9/2/98 wait mercy doesnt exist.... heres something to chew on....: today I saw a program on the discovery channel about satelites and radar and aircraft and stuff, and at the end of the show the narrator said some things that made me think "damn, we are so advanced, we kick ass, america is awesome, we have so many things in our military, we would kick anyones ass." for a minute I actually had some pride in our nation.... then I realized, "hey, this only the Good things that I am seeing here. only the Pros, not the cons. maybe thats what people see, only the Pros, and thats why they are under control. but me, I see all... you can only blind me for so long. but alas, I have realized that Yes, the human race is still indeed doomed. It just needs a few kick starts, like me, and hell, maybe even [censored]. If can whipe a few cities off the map, and even the fuckhead Holding the map, then great. hmm, just thinking if I want ALL humans dead or maybe just the quote-unquote "civilized, developed, and known-of" places on Earth. maybe leave little tribes of natives in the rain forest er something. hmm, I'll think about that. eh. done for tonight -REB- 6/13/98 As part of the human race, and having the great pleasure of being blessed with a brain, I can think. Humans can do whatever they want. There are no laws of nature that prevent humans from making choices. maybe from actually DOING some of those choices, but not from making the choice. If a man choosses to speed while driving home one day, then it is his fault for whatever happens. If he crashes into a school bus full of kidies and they all burn to death, its his fault. Its only a tragedy if you think it is, and then its only a tragedy in your own mind. so you shouldn't expect others to think that way also. it could also be a miracle for another person. maybe the bus stopped the car from plowing into a little old lady walking on the sidewalk. one could think it was a "miracle" that she wasnt hit. you see, anything and everything that happens in our world is just that, a HAPPENING. anything else is relative to the observer, but yet we try to have a "universal law" or "code" of what is good and bad and that just isnt fucking correct. we shouldn't be allowed to do that. we arent GODS. just because we are at the top of the food chain with our technology doesnt mean we can be "judges" of nature. sure we can think what we can think what we want, but you can "think" and "believe" you can judge people and nature all you want, but you are still wrong! why should your morals apply to everyone else. "morale" is just another word. and thats it. I think we are all a waste of natural resources and should be killed off, and since humans have the ability to choose... and I'm human... I think I will choose to kill and damage as much as nature allows me to so take that. fuck you, and eat napalm + lead! HA! only Nature can stop me. I know I could get shot by a cop after only killing a single person, but hey guess the fuck WHAT! I chose to kill that one person so get over it! Its MY fault! not my parents, not my brothers, not my friends, not my favorite bands, not computer games, not the media. IT is MINE! go shut the fuck up! -REB- 7/29/98 someones bound to say "what were they thinking?" when we go NBK or when we were planning it, so this what I am thinking. "I have a goal to destroy as much as possible so I must not be sidetracked by my feelings of sympathy, mercy, or any of that, so I will force myself to believe that everyone is just another monster from Doom like FH or FS or demons, so It's either me or them. I have to turn off my feelings." keep this is mind, I want to burn the world, I want to kill everyone except about 5 people, who I will name later, so If you are reading this you are lucky you escaped my rampage because I wanted to kill you. It will be very tricky getting all of our supplies, explosives, weaponry, ammo, and then hiding it all and then actually planting it all so we can achieve our goal. but if we get busted any time, we start killing then and there, just like Wilks from the AlIENS books, I aint going out without a fight. Once I finally start my killing, keep this in mind, there are probably about 100 people max in the school alone who I dont want to die, the rest, MUST FUCKING DIE! If I didnt like you or if you pissed me off and lived through my attacks, consider yourself one lucky god damn NIGGER. Pity that a lot of the dead will be a waste in someways, like dead hot chicks who were still bitches, they could have been good fucks. oh well, too fucking bad. life isnt fair... not by a long fuckin shot when Im at the wheel, too. God I want to torch and level everything in this whole fucking area but Bombs of that size are hard to make, and plus I would need a fuckin fully loaded A-10 to get every store on wadsworth and all the buildings downtown. heh, Imagine THAT ya fuckers, picture half of denver on fire just from me and Vodka. napalm on sides of skyscrapers and car garages blowing up from exploded gas tanks.... oh man that would be beautiful. -- 10/23/98 you know what, I feel like telling about lies. I lie a lot. almost constant. and to everybody, just to keep my own ass out of the water. and by the way (side note) I dont think I am doing this for attention, as some people may think. lets see, what are some big lies I have told; "yeah I stopped smoking," "for doing it not for getting caught," "no I'm havent been making more bombs," "no I wouldn't do that," and of course, countless of other ones, and yeah I know that I hate liers and I am one myself, oh fucking well. Its ok If I am a hypocrite, but no one else. because I am higher then you people, no matter what you say if you disagree I would shoot you And I am one racist mother fucker too, fuck the niggers and spics and chinks, unless they are cool, but sometimes they are so fucking retarded they deserve to be ripped on. some people go through life begging to be shot. and white fucks are just the same. if I could nuke the world I would, because so far I hate you all. there are probly around 10 people I wouldnt want to die, but hey, who ever said life is fair should be shot like the others too. - 11/1/98 heh heh heh. I sure had fun this weekend. lets see, what really happened. before going to the Rock n Bowl we stopped by King Soopers and one and [censored] picked up some big ass stoges. we then went to the Rock n Bowl and I had a few cigarettes and one of brand new cigars. we then went back to [censored] house where her mom had previousely bought us all a fuck load of liquor. personally I had asked for Tequilla and Irish cream, Vodka got his vodka, and there was beer, whiskey, schnopps, puckers, scotch and of course, orange juice! so we had some fun there playing cards and making drinks. we eventually made it to bed at about 5AM. got up at 10, went to safeway got some donouts and then I took Vodka home. the bottle of Tequilla is almost full and is in car, right by my spare tire and right by the bottle of irish cream. heh heh. I'll have to find a spot for those. and by the way, this nazi report is boosting my love of killing even more. like the early Nazi government, my brain is like a sponge, sucking up everything that sounds cool and leaving out all that is worthless, thats how Nazism was formed and thats how I will be too! 11/8/98 Fuck you Brady! all I want is a couple of guns, and thanks to your fucking bill I will probably not get any! come on, I'll have a clean record and I only want for personal protection. Its not like I'm some person who would go on a shooting spree.... fuckers. Ill probably end up nuking everything and fucking robbing some gun collectors house. Fuck, thatll be be hard. oh well, just as long as I kill a lot of fucking people. Everyone is always making fun of me because of how I look, how fucking weak I am and shit, well I will get you all back: ultimate fucking revenge here. you people could have shown more respect, treated me better, asked for my knowledge or guidence more, treated me more like senior, and maybe I wouldn't have been as ready to tear your fucking heads off. then again, I have always hated how I looked, I make fun of people who look like me, sometimes without even thinking sometimes just because I want to rip on myself. Thats where a lot of my hate grows from, the fact that I have practically no selfesteem, especially concerning girls and looks and such. therefore people make fun of me... constantly... therefore I get no respect and therefore I get fucking PISSED. as of this date I have enough explosives to kill about 100 people, and then if I get a couple bayonetts, swords, axes, whatever I'll be able to kill at least 10 more. and that just isnt enough! GUNS! I need guns! Give me some fucking firearms! 11/12/98 HATE! I'm full of hate and I Love it. I HATE PEOPLE and they better fucking fear me if they know whats good for em. yes I hate and I guess I want others to know it, yes I'm racist and I don't mind. Niggs and spics bring it on themselves, and another thing, I am very racist towards white trash p.o.s.s like [censored] and [censored] they deserve the hatred, otherwise I probly wouldnt hate them. Its a tragedy, the human nature of people will lead to their downfall. Peoples human nature will get them killed. whether by me or Vodka, Its happened before, and not just in school shootings like those pussy dumbasses over in Minnesota who squeeled. throughtout history, Its our fucking nature! I know how people are and why and I cant stand it! I love the nazis too... by the way, I fucking cant get enough of the swastika, the SS, and the iron cross. Hitler and his head boys fucked up a few times and it cost them the war, but I love their beliefs and who they were, what they did, and what they wanted. I know that form of gov couldn't have lasted long once the human equation was brought in, but damnit it sure looked good. every form of gov leads to downfalls, everything will always fuck up or yeah something. its all DOOMed god damnit. this is beginning to make me get in a corner. I'm showing too much of myself, my views and thoughts, people might start to wonder, smart ones will get nosey and something might happen to fuck me over, I might need to put on one helluva mask here to fool you all some more. fuck fuck fuck it'll be very fucking hard to hold out until April. If people would give me more compliments all of this might still be avoidable... but probably not. Whatever I do people make fun of me, and sometimes directly to my face. I'll get revenge soon enough. fuckers shouldn't have ripped on me so much huh! HA! then again its human nature to do what you did... so I guess I am also attacking the human race. I cant take it, Its not right... true... correct... perfect. I fucking hate the human equation. Nazism would be fucking great if it werent for individualism and our natural instinct to ask questions. you know what maybe I just need to get laid. maybe that'll just change some shit around. thats another thing, I am a fucking dog. I have fantasies of just taking someone and fucking them hard and strong. someone like [censored] were I just pick her up, take her to my room, tear off her shirt and pants and just eat her out and fuck her hard. I love flesh... weisses fleisch! dein weisses fleisch emegt mich soo... Ich bin dech nur ein gigilo! I want to grab a few different girls in my gym class, take them into a room, pull their pants off and fuck them hard. I love flesh... the smooth legs, the large breasts, the innocent flawless body, the eyes, the hair; jet black, blond, white, brown. ahhh I just want to fuck! call it teenage hormones or call it a crazy fuckin racist rapist... BJ ist mir egal. I just want to be surrounded by the flesh of a woman, someone like [censored] who I wanted to just fuck like hell, she made me practically drool, when she wore those shorts to work.. instant hard on. I couldnt stop staring. and others like [censored] in my gym class, [censored] or whatever in my gym class, and others who I just want to overpower and engulf myself in them. mmmm I can taste the sweet flesh now... the salty sweat, the animalistic movement... Iccchhh... lieeebe...... fleisccchhhh. who can I trick into my room first? I can sweep someone off their feet, tell them what they want to hear, be all nice and sweet, and then "fuck em like an animal, feel them from the inside" as Reznor said. oh... thats something else... that one NIN video I saw, broken or closer or something, the where the guy is kidnapped and tortured like hell... actual hell. I want to do that too. I want to tear a throat out with my own teeth like a pop can. I want to gut someone with my hand, to tear a head off and rip out the heart and lungs from the neck, to stab someone in the gut, shove it up to the heart, and yank the fucking blade out of their rib cage! I want to grab some weak little freshman and just tear them apart like a fucking wolf. show them who is god. strangle them, squish their head, bite their temples into the skull, rip off their jaw. rip off their colar bones, break their arms in half and twist them around, the lovely sounds of bones cracking and flesh ripping, ahh... so much to do and so little chances. -- 11/17/98 "weisses fleisch" - perfect - song - for - me Well folks, today was a very important day in the history of R. Today along with Vodka and someone else who I wont name, we went downtown and purchased the following; a double barrel 12ga. shotgun, a pump action 12ga. shotgun, a 9mm carbine, 250 9mm rounds, 15 12ga slugs, 40 shotgun shells, 2 switch blade knives, and total of 4 - 10 round clips for the carbine. we....... have.... GUNS! we fucking got em you sons of bitches! HA! HAHAHA! neener! Booga Booga. heh. its all over now. this capped it off, the point of no return. I have my carbine, shotgun, ammo and knife all in my trunk tonight and theyll there till tomorrow... after school you know its really a shame. I had a lot of fun at that gun show, I would have loved it if you were there dad. we would done some major bonding. would have been great. oh well. but, alas, I fucked up and told [censored] about my "flask". that really disappoints me. [censored] I know you thought it was good for me... in the long run and all that shit, smart of you to give me a such big raise and then rat me out, you figure it was supposed to cancel each other? god damn flask, that just fucked me over big time. now you all will be on my ass even more than before about being on track. I'll get around it though, If have to cheat and lie to everyone then thats fine. THIS is what I am motivated for, THIS is my goal. THIS is what I want to do with my life! you know whats weird, I dont feel like a punching through a door because of the flask deal, probly cause I am fucking armed now. I feel more confident, stronger, and more Godlike. I have confidence in my ability to dese(cei)ve people. hopefully Ill make it to April, but that might not happen. Ug, Its been a busy weekend, I need to sleep, I'll continue tomorrow. 11/22/98 yesterday we fired our first actual firearms ever. 3 rounds from the carbine. taught that ground a thing or 2. I even had the 2 clips in my pocket while talking to vodkas dad about senior ditch day. God it felt great firing off that bad boy, and hopefully I'll be able to get more than just 4 clips for it. I dubbed my shotgun "Arlene" after Arlene Sanders from the DOOM books. She always did love the shotgun. Vodka's DB is looking very fucking awesome, all cut down to the proper lengths. this is a bitch trying to keep up on homework while working on my guns, bombs, and lying. by the way, I bought that flask in the mall and I had a friend fill it up w/ scotch whiskey, only had about 3 swigs in the 3 weeks I had it. plus monday I gave my T and IC to Vodka, just in case. I never really did like alcohol, just wasn't my thing, but It felt good to just have around. that argument on the 22nd was a real bitch, but I think I should have won a fucking oscar. I even quoted a few movies, remember "what the hell am I gonna do now man?! what am I gonna do!?" thats good ole Hudson from aliens. Sounded good too. and hey goddamnit I would have been a fucking great marine, It would have given me a reason to do good. and I would never drink and drive, either. It will be weird when we actually go on the rampage. hopefully we will have plenty of clips and bombs. Im gonna still try and get my calico 9mm. just think, 100 rounds without reloading.... hell yeah! We actually may have a chance to get some machine pistols thanks to the Brady bill. If we can save up about 200$ real quick and find someone who is 21+ we can go to the next gun show and find a private dealer and buy ourselves some bad-ass AB-10 machine pistols. Clips for those things can get really fucking big too. 12/3/98 Woohoo, I'll never have to take a final again! feels good to be free. I just love Hobbes and Nietzche. Well tomorrow I'll be ordering 9 more 10 round clips for my carbine. I'm gonna be so fucking loaded in about a month. the big things we need to figure now is the time bombs for the commons and how we will get them in and leave then there to go off, without any fucking Jews finding them. I wonder if anyone will write a book on me. sure is a ton of symbolism, double meanings, themes, appearance vs reality shit going on here. oh well, it better be fuckin good if it is writtin. 12/17/98 heh, get this. KMFDM's new album is entitled "Adios" and it's release date is in April. how fuckin appropriate, a subliminal final "Adios" tribute to Reb and Vodka. thanks KMFDM... I ripped the hell outa the system 12/20/98 jesus christ that was fucking close. fucking shitheads at the gun shop almost dropped the whole project. oh well, thank god I can BS so fucking well. I went and picked up those babies today, so now I got 13 of those niggers. WOOHAH. the stereo is very nice, but having no insurance payments to worry about so I could concentrate of BOMBS would have been better. oh well, I think I'll have enough. now I just need to get Vodka another gun. 12/29/98 Months have passed. Its the first Friday night in the final month. much shit has happened. Vodka has a Tec 9, we test fired all of our babies, we have 6 time clocks ready, 39 crickets, 24 pipe bombs, and the napalm is under construction. Right now I'm trying to get fucked and trying to finish off these time bombs. NBK came quick. why the fuck cant I get any? I mean, I'm nice and considerate and all that shit, but nooooo. I think I try to hard. but I kinda need to considering NBK is closing in. The amount of dramatic irony and foreshadowing is fucking amazing. Everything I see and I hear I incorporate into NBK somehow. Either bombs, clocks, guns, napalm, killing people, any and everything finds some tie to it. feels like a Goddamn movie sometimes. I wanna try to put some mines and trip bombs around this town too maybe. Get a few extra flags on the scoreboard. I hate you people for leaving me out of so many fun things. And no don't fucking say, "well thats your fault" because it isnt, you people had my phone #, and I asked and all, but no. no no no dont let the weird looking Eric KID come along, ohh fucking nooo. 4/3/99

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