#but it should...probs go in the journal i havent made yet

[aceyanaheim]

something to talk about in therapy probs uh

the Relief i feel when im back at my dorm

[baetoul]

i remade

i wanna use this blog to like track project and art ideas and progress and gain aesthetic inspiration! that’s the goal

i’m currently working on making mini dioramas out of clay to display in little geometric glass lantern thingies. i made the characters for the scene i want, but i need to make the prayer clothes for the little mama model i made. i found a white fabric that will work but i need a white lace to edge it with. after that i can paint the figurines, which is the part im most nervous for as i am not a skilled painter and have a horrible understanding of colour. i need to decide on a direction for the painting too, like am i going for realistic (i.e. setting myself up to fail) or a more abstract unfinished look? might be able to pull that off. like am i painting the mama figure’s face peach colour or leaving the white of the clay? not sure. 

mini dioramas are a great little exploration for me, they combine my love for miniature cute things and allow me to make everything from scratch and have a lot of creative expression. it’s also felt a lot more accessible to me to sculpt clay figures than to paint or draw, for which i lack fundamental art skills. it’s also greatly nostalgic and allows me to create alters to the mundane beauty of life and memory and recollection. also it’s an item that can be displayed and has a purpose in being displayed which is nice, because i hate making non-functional stuff that just gets shoved into a drawer. I have more geometric lanterns thingies so i will probs create more scenes for those. i also have a wooden box shaped like a hardcover book for which i plan to sculpt a book scene, but i have no idea what scene yet! i feel like i want to choose something that means something to me but is also recognizable? 

i also made some flat rectangular blocks of clay with holes at the top to make earrings from. i’m going to try painting them as queen of hearts playing cards and write one of my favourite lyrics on top. i was going to carve certain details of the cards into the clay as grooves but i totally forgot and baked them plain. so we’ll see i guess lol. 

i handbound a journal for zahraa which was amazing. it was a little loose so i definitely need to work on my technique, but it was a fun and exciting process and for my first one i think it turned out really well. purple velvet covers with this gorgeous italian tissue paper from my letter kit as the inside cover. finally my paper and fabric scrap hoarding can be used to good affect lol. we’ll see what my next hand binding project will be. 

hmm what else. i saw a lot of gorgeous art in NYC at both the moma and the guggenheim. i was really intrigued by the oil painted pieces and i get this instinctive feel that oil paints would suit me as a medium much more than watercolour has been and i really want to try it. it seems expensive to get into though, maybe ill be on the lookout for kits at homesense/winners to get my first little taste. even if oils do suit me better i know im completely missing the fundamentals of art like shading, perspective, colour theory, etc so i feel like i should start doing those step by step drawing tutorials on youtube to get some sense of things. 

I also want to do more with beads, textiles, fabric, crocheting/knitting. 

ALSO i bought a blender from goodwill to try and make paper with but i havent even attempted it yet!! i think making my own paper by hand with my pressed flowers would be so gorgeous. i need to hurry up and get my dad to make me a frame before he leaves, or else i’ll either have to buy one or go to home depot and try to finagle my own. i also really wanted to try screen printing but again, everything costs money bro. maybe ill save screen printing for summer. 

[unkn0wnl0v3]

Day three ✿ Sep 16 ‘20

I have piano/keyboard today. I really like the class but I’m not good and I’m not really doing well in it. The teachers nice and we learn a lot but I find myself failing. Oh well at least I know how to identify keys and play Silent Night. I’m still kinda uneasy about the idea of switching classes. Especially cause I’ll be leaving people I really enjoy spending time with no matter the outcome, or I’ll remain in the class bored and dying. Urgh I just wish I could lay in bed and read books it’s too cold to do anything besides that. But I have to be a functioning teen.. eye makeup and all (T⌓T)! It’s all good tho:( I have Science and Digital Imaging today which is fun I like those classes. Hah I’m still thinking about my fucked hairline yesterday. And the lighting and the makeup I looked like urgh! I looked so F-ing scary! I looked like a bruja argh! I’ve been justifying my TC cause we have like the same age gap as my parents so it’s like

“k kool:)”

I don’t think my parents would like it tho they’d be like “ marry someone young” and like “you’ll die alone cause he’ll die first” but you pay a price to commit to any type of love. +my aunt and uncle would especially be hating on it if I ever told them I had a crush or actually dated him. Even though it’s like a thought that can only take place in the distant future like I’ll still think about it. I think we live pretty close to each other; he told us about places he frequents and he named all these places by myself. Rents pretty inexpensive where we live but that just shows he’s ♡rich♡ and that’s good:) I mean no one can just do four years at a private college and then just move to *current city I live in* and be a Highschool teacher like y’all. This dude like.. no one has this kind of money. And I’m not like overreacting people literally can’t afford to live here. Like people can’t even afford to be homeless where I live. And he’s young so like he couldn’t have like saved enough money to support himself fully. Bruh I really be making assumptions off a gtkm slide he showed us on the first day of school. Lmao I hate myself ^~^! Oh well I mean if I don’t have him anymore I’ll probs move on and forget about him completely.(08:32)

Bruh it’s easier if I was just like dying of something not that painful cause this school bullshit is hard af(09:11)

I really like all my classes, hopefully it doesn’t happen. I mean I’d rather be bored than be in pain which could be an obvious outcome of this situation. But I let my pride get the better of myself(9:37)

After some reflection I’ve realized my tc is literally so boring. He’s probs the most vanilla person on earth. However he is hot.(10:18)

I just finished my classes well i have one more but it’s in like an hour so idc yet. I really like my advisory cause my teachers fun. Hes one of those Ex ghetto asians that grew up in an ok neighborhood. I really wish I had sir today. Like even tho I havent been that contributy. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my academic advisor just told me I can go to an honors English, but I have to leave his class and my p.e class. Oh my god. Argh! And then I’d have a female teacher who I might not like and like ahhhh oh my god. I’m going to go cry I’m so stressed. Bruhhhhhhhhv I might have to ask my mom for help like I never do that but today i might ask cause like I know she’ll say not to or something. Ugh! I literally hate it here:0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck! I’d ask him “oh sir what do you think should I I’ll miss ya tho cause Want to fuck you” bruh oh my god fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk(12:15)

I literally don’t know if I can make this decision like my brain is splitting in half rn wtffffffffff(12:22)

Ugh last week I left one of my classes and it was so hard to leave and like say goodbye and I didn’t even really like that teacher. But I’m in love with this one!(12:32)

I really like the class I have rn it’s digital imaging. It’s fun and stuff i made some real thicc bitches with coding. It gets me real calm like im so fucking stressed all the time but like she makes the day a little more enjoyable:)(13:49)

I just messaged Sir, idk how he’s gonna respond yet. Hopefully he goes “don’t leave ily” but that’s so dumb and won’t happen. Hopefully even if he does tell me to leave He’ll also go like “oh but yk I overlook journalism club” that shit would make me horny cause like he’s asking me to be with him (♡´౪`♡) ahhhhh fuck me honestly. I wish were in person and there was no covid and it was just fine and we could be together and blah blah blaaaaaaahh argh oh well I’m just a kid and he’s like an adult. Time will tell(14:51)

Update it’s six thirty and he hasn’t responded(18:28)

He’s cute ngl(18:59)

Hopefully he hasn’t responded cause he’s like heartbroken and torn between whether he wants me or I should leave for educational growth. But like literally bruh that’s obviously not like true:( but still(:(19:57)

I just finished a live with my friend and I realized that If I switch then my new pe teacher might make me do workouts on cam so like fuck that I’m staying. Ummm I’ll just like talk to him tomorrow after class and let him know everything.... well Not everything but yk yk;) Thats all loves<3(23:03)

[katedoesntexist]

Stay-at-Home journal 5/9/20

Yesterday:

Worked, its on an uptick of craziness as we get closer to deadline

Made dinner and ran the dishes

Finished s3 of anne w an e

Today:

Sleep

Prepare plants for polar vortex apparently

Prob more painting

Free space:

So i havent actually slept yet, so it feels like im writing this early. I stayed up watching shows, and usually i fall asleep eventually, but that just hasnt happened yet. Weirdly. I dont like trying to sleep when im not fighting my eyes closing. Anyway suns coming up, birds are chirping, phone is at 14%, and im abt an hr and a half out from pulling a true 24 hr all nighter. So i should probably sleep right? It means tomorrow im going to be useless and itll make the weekend feel so much short bc I'll prob be sleeping thru a good chunk of it. But i enjoyed staying up so late and i enjoyed the show i watched. Besides, the only person i owe my time to is myself.

[qtlitoang3l]

2018 .

another year down .. it went by very fast didnt it ? time is going by even faster .

2017 was a year full of roller coasters .. a lot of ups , but equally as many downs . i usually reflect my year in Dec/Jan so here it goes . January: I started school again . BIG step , considering i was out for 2 years before then . i remember how excited yet nervous i was . im so glad i did it . It was also the month that my good friend from high school , Brandon , told me that he was getting deployed (he’s in the army) in Feb . i was scared , but all i could do was pray for him to come back home alive . he came back home last month (Dec 2017) safe and sound . i thanked God for watching over him . unfortunately , a few days later , my dad got a heart attack .. now THAT was the scariest moment of my life . i still remember that day very clearly . it haunts me every time . ill never forget the sight of my dad holding his chest , sliding down the couch , and grabbed my hand for his life , grasping for breathe . after 3 days being in the hospital , he was discharged with meds and a new plan for his diet . my mom was by herself at work so my siblings and i had to go out to help while my dad was in the hospital . i knew how scared she gets when shes by herself . my dad and i werent on good terms for a year until this moment happened . i guess we both realized that life is so short and that anything could happen in a second . more importantly , im so glad he’s okay til this day . On a happier note , that was also the month that i purchased my first firearm ! so bad ass right ? The beginning of the year was rough , but it got better ! February: Had dinner with Brandon and Aimee b4 he got deployed . Again , i prayed for his safety . I went to a concert (william singe and alex aiono) , which was so fun . Not much happened that month . Had a valentine’s day dinner with the girls and with an old friend . 

March: this month was important because thats when i found that my sister was having a boy!! amazing news right ? and i could finally be an aunt ! I also watched the Lion King on broadway . i think thats a pretty cool thing to mention , right ? it was such a good show !

April: Finals month ... ugh . also my bday month .. didnt do anything cuz all my finals were on the week of my bday . Got my car fixed that month too after that bad car accident . ugh . May: went to a friend’s dowry , did my first 5K bubble run , went to a house warming party , picked up my mom from her 2 week vacation . she deserved it . Did i mention it was the first semester that i start a nursing course ? nerve-wracking!! 

June: My sister’s baby shower . SO FUN ! i decorated everything and bought this beautiful cake . everything was obviously blue :) i also remember having A LOT of exams back to back . not fun at all .

July: My nephew was born .. it was the best day ever . it changed my life . i am an auntie !! he made everyone so happy and everyone was so happy to see him . it was nice to see my whole family together and happy . I also went to a really fun wedding that month . 

August: After a brutal semester and final , I WENT TO LA !! its been forever since ive been on vacation !! i prefer to go with friends , but i went with my siblings . ups and down on that trip and wouldnt wanna travel again with them unless my parents were there . lesson learned and long story . still have pictures that i havent posted from that trip !

September: went to birthday dinners , a wedding , apartment warmings , a “bachelor” party (lol) and started school again . This was also the month that one of the doctors at DH passed away from breast cancer . it was a very gloomy time for my coworkers . i wasnt at work when everyone found out , but ive heard about it . everyone didnt want to work . the atmosphere completely changed . I went to her funeral , but only the beginning part . instead of being sad , we celebrated her life as a doctor and her passion for her career . it was a sad time and the world lost such a talented person . RIP Dr. Stanfield. at the end of the month my friend dan got married at city hall , which was everything he wanted . didnt have to spend a lot of money at all ! October: My friend threw a huge house party for his birthday . parties are not like they use to be . but because most of the ppl there were older , there wasnt much drinking or playing games , which was the sucky part . no one really wanted to do anything . not sure why , but it is what it is . Also did a photoshoot that month , which i havent done in a long time . forgot how much fun it was .

November: Ughhhh drama month out of all the other months , only because this girl is totally obsessed with her ex and hes literally the only thing she talks about . basically we went to the club and she KNEW he was gonna be there yet she decided to come with us . okay . she sees him , starts freaking out , gets all dramatic like “OMG he totally saw me” type of dramatic . it actually went as far as “i could get him kicked out RIGHT NOW if i wanted . i KNOW the bouncers here , dont test me” yeup .. DRAMA . it was entertaining at the same time . my mistake was that she could handle herself . no , she was totally sloppy and even fell.. in front of her ex .. nbd -.- GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER . i stopped hanging out with her .. i couldnt handle it the negative vibes . she came to the thanksgiving party the week after and of course she brought that weekend back and started venting about how she saw her ex and shit . i honestly didnt care . Anyways , thanksgiving with the sister’s in laws was alright . there was some questionable food that i had no idea what the mom was cooking though .. it was some weird things .

December: went to a holiday party , met and saw some friends . it was a good time ! that was also the month that i thought i was gonna fail but ended up passing in the end . THANK GOD . the whole week after the final , i literally went out every day to go drink . you can tell how much stress i was under . lol . i noticed that i was getting a cough , so i cooled down on the drinking after that week . figured i should take care of myself right ? i watched a cirque du soleil show . fantastic as usual . My friend duy asked me to part of this pageant because there was not enough girls .. hmm ... well i didnt wanna just compete because there werent a lot of girls .. so he sat me down and literally gave me a power point show as to why i should join . LOL . i appreciated the time and effort , so id do it for a friend in need . it’ll be fun ! maybe not intense as miss massachusetts but it’ll be a good experience . a big accomplishment that month was when i went snowboarding for the first time in my life !! omg it was so much more fun that i thought it was ! i was hesitant to go because my student that passed away from a snowboarding accident (RIP) , but i couldnt be afraid forever .. it was for him :)

And nooow .. we are in January !! crazy how much has happened in a year .. my resolution this year , besides spending time with my brother , is be more carefree and not care what other ppl think . i think i need to focus on being happy instead of trying to please others . i was told by someone .. that i should be myself more and ppl will see how fun/funny i am . haha , maybe i should ! i will def try . ive kept my guard up for a long time around a lot of ppl and i know ill regret it 50 years from now when im old . im gonna wish i was myself more .

as for you .. yes you .. you know exactly who you are .. i left a section specifically for you . its been a while .. a long while actually . you may or may not still read my .. “journal” .. i might just be writing this for no one to read and now one will ever see , but i guess ill never know . and its okay . even though youre not here anymore and you may not ever be anymore , im living my life the best way that i can , going through life like i never knew you . has it been hard ? yes . am i forgetting our memories ? .. i might have .. i mightve even forgotten what you look like . i dont go on your social media and you are prob doing the same . i think of you from time and time , but not in the way that you think . in a way that i hope you are doing well and only sending you positive vibes . i still pray for you and ask you to be watched over . anyways . i know youre mad .. and i understand . you’ll always have a hold of me .. but eventually .. i have to let that go .. or at least i have to learn how to . i miss our friendship , but i guess if i care about you that much .. i cant be selfish anymore . and i promise that after this , i wont be writing about you anymore .. it’ll all just disappear eventually .. my wish to you is to find happiness . i hope you can promise me that .. take care of yourself .