#like htats why i do it most of the time. bc i like making my friends happy i love making gifts i loveee it so much

[hearts401]

sometimes i reach a point in drawing my friends ocs where its like okay im not just making gifts for you this is fanart and i am insane

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Forgive me if that's repetitive - what are your thoughts on walls the song and walls the mv? (I hate myself a little because i usually get stuck on the smallest things and then am unable to move past them. The line "this one is a thank you for what you did to me" really does that for me in this case. it fascinates me and scares me at the same time. As for the mv i just find it hard to connect bc louis doesn't seem connected with anything around him (or affected, aside from him smiling when -

- surrounded by people in masks). it'd be nice to see your perspective

- (also i think what doesn't allow me to connect with the song is that i don't quite get it, and part of the reason for that is disconnection between the verses and the chorus due to different you's, which seems to be particularly "me/everybody" in the verses and then a very specific "you" in the chorus. And also the verses (to me) are very much about the loss of that specific you, while the chorus is not about that at all (?) Where does the falling of the walls fit in the inner narrative?  - sorry if that doesn't make any sense or is stupid and shallow. probably the reason i can't get it is that i'm simply not a native speaker)) 

**********

First of all anon - this isn’t at all stupid or shallow.  And there are lots of reasons that you might not connect with a song - none of which means there’s anything wrong with you.

There’s nothing wrong with not connecting with a song or music video, or getting hunng up on a particular line.  Pop songs and music videos are art with a lot of blank space around them - it’s not just legitimate, it’s important that you make your own meaning of what you see and hear. 

I think that point you make about whether the ‘you’ of the chorus is the same ‘you’ as the verses is a really interesting one.  Choruses often have slightly  different meanings from verses, and a song can become more resonant if that is used to convey complexity.  And also songs can be incoherent - there doesn’t have to be a greater meaning. Since you asked for my perspective, I think the ‘you’ of this song is the same all the way through (and I don’t see an everybody element in the chorus).  I think that the protaganist’s Walls coming down is part of the picture being painted about the relationship. 

I think there’s a few different things going on in Walls.  First there’s a lot that is about emphasising how big and important the relationship was to the protaganist - and that hte relationship was a good thing (both the choruses and also the why/because).  And most of the song is the story of someone who has been in a really important relationship and grown from it.  In the present tense the protaganist is doing well and presenting himself as doing well. It reads as quite a mature processed response ‘I really loved you and this relationship was really important to me and I hope you nothing, but good in your life’ - which people might want to project, but often isn’t entirely true.  And it’s all undermined by the last line, which isn’t one of well processed emotional maturity, but showing that nothing has changed and instead the protaganist still just mostly misses the person he is singign about. You don’t have to understand it that way, but htat’s what I got out of it. 

But the most important point is that your response to things matter! Don’t think there’s something wrong with you if you don’t like or can’t make sense of something.  That’s a completely legitimate response.

[chronotopes]

so here at last are my (spoilery) thoughts on good omens the miniseries, based on bingeing it all between the hours of 12 am and 12 pm 

under the cut! 

i think the narration … worked in some places but NOT in all of them. i get the desire to preserve the narrative voice, but while i think it works for the most part in the first episode, almost every time it’s used in the latter ones it’s kind of unnecessary. like yes neil and terry’s prose is great but losing a good part of that that is kind of part of adapting a book to the screen 

crowley and aziraphale’s characterization is notably different - i don’t feel great about how it’s crowley who keeps on pushing the ‘aziraphale should kill adam’ angle and THAT AZIRAPHALE REVIVES THE DOVE, but as a self-sustained thing it works and 

it’s fully interpret-able as a love story to almost a ridiculous extent which i’m ultimately happy about 

the only thing i was sad they cut was aziraphale appearing in the one tele-preacher’s body 

and the confrontation between the them and the horsemen was basically perfect in the book so i don’t know why they made it actively worse. 

they cut a bunch of racist jokes yay!

rambling thought process: i think there’s a difference between racism in different good omens jokes bc like… the spirit guide shit is pretty obviously madame tracy being racist in universe rather than the authors being like “this is cool”, whereas newt’s car is the writers making a genuine racist joke rather than i guess.. “this character is racist and that’s funny.” THAT SAID the latter gets old fast and it makes perfect sense to be like “madame tracy and shadwell are supposed to be sympathetic characters, it’s 2019, how about we don’t make them racist” 

speaking of shadwell and tracy they were really good tbh i always slog through their parts of the book a little but it was paced well. ALSO i don’t get the newt and anathema hate like… yeah it happens fast but it’s the end of the world, it’s not like that’s a fucking crazy sequence of events. also i thought it was cute when they both took off their glasses mid kissing bc damn i’ve been there.. shoutout to The Bonk™ 

controversial thought i don’t think pepper seeming to actively identify as a feminist was the right move for her character?? pepper in the book is like a fiercely independent little girl who will definitely be a feminist later in life but for the moment seems just again, more angry and independent because that’s the person she is. but then also i guess maybe that’s a product of the time transplant? idk, it just seems like it makes a difference for the less interesting in a way i maybe can’t wholly quantify right now

pepper and all the actors playing the them were REALLY GOOD. but also adam’s turning / turning back was soooo laaaaaameeee that’s one of the best parts of the book. they cut most of his monologue about Fixing The World, he rather goes straight to ruling it, and it glosses over the philosophical point of how scary the concept of “making” people that just do anything adam tells them to is. 

ok i just had a Most Important Good Omens Thought that i’m going to make a separate post about but tldr i don’t think this miniseries does adam total justice as a character 

again however that’s me judging it as an adaptation; as a tv series it’s really fucking good, though i have no clue how it comes across to anyone who isn’t coming into it as an adaptation? 

there’s some writing issues on that front though, again most notably with the narrative voice and also which parts of the narration to keep in. for instance when it says the third baby “probably wins prizes for his tropical fish” without setting up the tropical fish beforehand in any way, a joke from the book falls flat because it takes away the whole context of the preceding paragraph, AND it’s not even a really necessary line because greasy johnson was (correctly) cut 

i also am not entirely sure i like how they structured the last episode. like the trial stuff itself was cool as hell but i don’t know what they won by starting the last episode with it, and i also think that it cheapens a lot of people’s conclusions to intercut them with the trial because i was much more focused on crowley and aziraphale than on newt anathema or adam’s conclusions, THE LAST OF WHICH I’LL GET BACK TO IN THE OTHER POST 

i’m not trying to be hypercritical btw it’s just htat… my SHEER ADORATION AND EXCITEMENT feels obvious already and i feel like right now i have more to say about the flaws

it was really good tho overall. good shit. glad it exists

[1nkweaver]

Pick and opal pick and opal 1. Are they easily impressed? 2. Who do they look to for guidance? 3. What do they want most in life? 4. How do they handle being alone? 5. Who would do the most to help random people? 6. Which of them feels like they are constantly underestimated?

1. I think Pick is easily impressed but it’s very hard for him to like -let you know- he’s impressed, if that makes sense. He takes a bunch of things and notes them internally, but you gotta do something REAL good for him to let you know about it.

 Opal is really hard to tell bc he always seems impressed with everyone? It’s in his nature to just kinda exude “I believe in you” energy.

2. Normally all my characters are built with having one person that they look to for everything, for good or bad. For Pick it was Anders, and without him Pick had a period of his life where he was really really lost. He was like the companion to a “main character adventurer” that was Anders, and then he had to learn how to be the adventurer himself. So now a lot of Pick’s actions are him applying the things that Anders had been secretly teaching and preparing him for all along.

Opal looks to Zemtris for all of his guidance, I mean he’s completely and utterly devoted to his god, but isn’t unquestioning. Part of Zemtris’ teachings is that Gods are not perfect, and that mortals need to step in sometimes and act for -themselves- instead of just on behalf of Gods. In this sense Opal also has to really trust in himself for guidance so as to be able to guide others. He needs to be prepared to make the decision himself, or even question Zemtris on something if he feels theres a better way. This is what Zemtris wants Opal to do anyway however, look for a better way.

3. Opal first for this one. His goal is simple and yet really complicated. It is to truly live the absolute most fulfilling life possible- not the most heroic, or the kindest life, but to literally live a life where he has done everything possible, everything good and bad, but moreso in the name of the “greater good”, so he wants to help others live their most freeing, full lives as well. That’s the virtuous half of it. The other half of it however is Opal has a very strong opinion of Gods that try to command the lives of mortals, specifically those that command the power of life and death. Opal doesn’t think that should be a power a god has, and so he wants to unseat those gods and place Zemtris in their place, giving mortals true control over their own fate- whether they believe in destiny or not.

Pick is really conflicted in what he wants most right now, he’s torn completely down the middle of “I need to find my friend” and “I need to enact my revenge”. He’s afraid he -can’t- do both, that somehow doing one will remove the possibility of the other happening.

4. Opal believes he is never able to be alone. He spent a lot of time alone in his past and that’s how he first connected with Zemtris, but from that moment on Zemtris’ presence has never left Opal. Since Opal is the only current true believer of Zemtris, they are not omnicient or omnipresent like other gods would be, and travels with Opal almost exclusively as a spirit- though their knowledge does go beyond Opals perceptions. Many will often think Opal is going off alone and doing things- but he is always actually spending htat time with Zemtris. For example, if he goes on a picnic or sits at a table to eat, he leaves a seat for Zemtris with their own food and drink.

Pick on the other hand is HORRIBLE being alone, he literally cannot stand it. When Anders first disappeared it was the first time Pick had been truly completely alone for a long time and it almost honestly drove him crazy? Though Pick acts independantly and has strong opinions and such he is very clearly a dependant person, and I think this really just goes down to being a Goblin thing. They’re pack creatures, and they’re weak on their own, stronger together. Anders recognized this, and though he wants Pick to find his own strength, he understands Pick right now needs others, and so he told him to find friends. This is why Pick sought out the party in the first place and attached onto them so quickly- he needs them.

5. I think it’s quite obvious, but I realize that both Pick and Opal are very charitable. However, Opal definitely takes the cake for me on this one because the entire point of Opal as an adventurer is that he’s not looking for money or fame, he’s looking for people. He’s trying to find people that need help, either something as simple as they need money or something incredibly deeper like a troubled past. Opal helps that person, and then Opal leaves, that’s all he was ever meant to do as a member of a party. Opal wasn’t written to be a character that “makes friends” and “becomes attached” he’s meant to be a temporary friend, a guide, and then when his job is done he’s supposed to leave, that’s all.

Pick though he wants to help oftentimes doesn’t really understand how to. He’s not good with words and he’s not good with comfort, the two things he does know is “protecting” in fights, and throwing money at problems. That’s why he so often just gives gold away bc he knows that it is just a really simple thing that helps people? However in very specific situations where specific problems are happening Pick will literally drop anything and anyone to stop it, but it needs to be from a particular list of things.

6. I would feel like initially Pick is the one that is underestimated more often right, because he’s the small wise cracking goblin. You think he’s weak bc he’s a small weak race, you think he’ll be timid, and that’s how he wins fights. The bigger thing for Pick is someone underestimating how smart he is. He doesn’t have more that a +1 int, but that’s a goblin that is smarter than the average human, which I think is a lot more considerable. He’s a tactician for sure and has a great understanding of monsters and alchemy. To take some words from Sansa Stark since GoT started again, “I’m a slow learner, it’s true. But I learn.”

Opal is...tough. He’s so big that I feel people are immediately threatened by him, but his whole demeanor is very calm and so, so chill. Opal makes you comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. He can be unsettling and he can make you feel...really at home, enough to open up to him. I think that while Pick is the physically underestimated one, Opal is the socially underestimated one. He seems like he doesn’t ever have personal motives, and people open up so easily to him, but what they dont realize is they can tell Opal their whole life story, their darkest secrets, and not even really come to realize that they really dont know a lot about Opal at all. Opal is not smart by any means, but he is -wise- and he knows -people-, he knows how they work. You cannot lie to him, you cannot put on your false persona. He sees through you, but he meets everything you do with a smile so really do you know if he’s happy?

[shadowed-moonrise]

ooc: elia and ashka chat logs

[ooc comments supposed to be removed but i might have missed some. there is a Lot of logs bc we forgot to post until now]

shadowed-moonrise

oh my god what is WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE

shadowed-moonrise

i got some horrifying anons!!! theyre so horrifying!!!!!!!

flameofcertainty

hang on let me turn off my blacklist for a moment

uh

uh

quick question: what the fuck

(not directed at you!)

shadowed-moonrise

i just

like

wow????

they sent me a followup ask like 'didnt you read what i said, my gf likes it'

shadowed-moonrise

and............... i dont....... think she does

like that does not sound like a healthy relationship and i hope they just made it up to creep on me

flameofcertainty

"hi i'm a rapist"

"wtf"

"no but she likes when i rape her"

i just

*what the fuck*

shadowed-moonrise

right

WHAT THE FUCK.

shadowed-moonrise

i was just talking earlier abt how i dont actually like that anybody can read my hyper posts but i make them on publicblog for like Awareness right?

shadowed-moonrise

and i thought i meant like abstractly, like maybe theres somebody reading them and cackling bc they dont agree w/ my politics or whatever?

but APPARENLTY

APPARENTLY

people will send me creepy asks about raping their hyper gf

flameofcertainty

some people are just really terrible?

i guess?

what are they even getting out of this?

shadowed-moonrise

i think some people just........ enjoy making other people suffer????

or maybe somehow they thought i would be like "i think this is hot or a good thing to do or whatever, thank you for your service to the hypersensitive community"

i dunno what goes on in these peoples head

shadowed-moonrise

heads

flameofcertainty

maybe tumblr just hates hypersensitives or something

it would explain a lot

shadowed-moonrise

like, okay, but what would you hate hypersensitives for

like theres somebody who hates hypos (and IS A NAT THERAPIST, AUGH) for.... not hating pollution enough, i guess

but hypersensitives are boring? we dont go outside much bc the outside is fully of scary?

flameofcertainty

maybe tumblr is just weird like that?

or maybe we're easy targets?

shadowed-moonrise

oh yeah that makes sense

flameofcertainty

most meso folks don't have a button they can press to get a reaction out of us

shadowed-moonrise

if you wanna make somebody suffer its so easy to target people with a big 'make me suffer' button

flameofcertainty

right

shadowed-moonrise

ugh im sort of regretting making it public

i could have just not mentioned it and had a really good blacklist

flameofcertainty

most of the time people aren't that bad

and then there'll be a week or two

where people send you nothing but asks about pollution

shadowed-moonrise

i blacklist some stuff but im generally okay talking about pollution if its like, abstract, so i dont do it that aggressively and then........ sometimes............. people take advantage of that

shadowed-moonrise

i wish you could like, have vulnerabilities without people just randomly deciding to fuck with you for no reason

flameofcertainty

yeah

flameofcertainty

hang on

i just scrolled down

>i’ll put my foreign object ;;;;) in your body ;;;;) ;;;;)

***what the fuck***

shadowed-moonrise

yeah.

oh GOD

i just got

another

flameofcertainty

oh no

how bad is it

shadowed-moonrise

bad enough im not sure i should tell you what it says

flameofcertainty

my brain is helpfully providing suggestions

why is it like this

are you okay

shadowed-moonrise

im.... probbly going to be in a minute

fuck

"the last "person" to hide their caste on this hellsite turned out to be red. i bet you aren't even hyper, you're just pretending so people won't suspect. i know what you really are."

thats what it says

flameofcertainty

aaaaaaaa

what the fuck

flameofcertainty

why would anyone send that to you

shadowed-moonrise

i dont know

i dont know

what did i *do*

flameofcertainty

i don't know

fuck

i guess if they think you're red that would explain why they hate you?

but seriously

what the fuck

flameofcertainty

i'm so sorry

flameofcertainty

why would anyone say that

shadowed-moonrise

anon hate doesnt usually get to me like this but

sob

why

the fuck

i dunno if they even really think that or they just want to upset me

flameofcertainty

i don''t

i don't know

fuck i'm so sorry

are you going to be okay

shadowed-moonrise

yeah. yeah.

flameofcertainty

is there anything i can do

shadowed-moonrise

i dont

think so

flameofcertainty

other than not be the sort of terrible person who would send those messages

shadowed-moonrise

thamk you for not being htat sort of person!

im so glad most people arent

flameofcertainty

it's really not hard

shadowed-moonrise

oh i can... go take some eytelia right now

it will only help in 40min but i might still need it then

shadowed-moonrise

brb

shadowed-moonrise

ok back

flameofcertainty

okay

anyways what the fuck

shadowed-moonrise

someday i will have coping mechanisms other than "get high in a way that coincidentally also helps"

flameofcertainty

i mean if it helps

then that's a lot better than nothing

shadowed-moonrise

yeah it is

shadowed-moonrise

im gonna go curl up and not look at the Fuckening Internet, i guess

flameofcertainty

seems reasonable

shadowed-moonrise

ttyl <3

flameofcertainty

ttyl :)

shadowed-moonrise

hiiiiiiiiiiii im back im not sad anymore because im so high

shadowed-moonrise

i got another horrible anon and i dont even caaaare

flameofcertainty

i'm glad you're feeling better

sorry about the terrible anon

shadowed-moonrise

also did you know art is pretty

its so pretty

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

i saw a video of a yellow playing the yellowest instrument ever and i wanted to send it to you but tumblr messages werent working on my everything

maybe i can find it again..........

shadowed-moonrise

http://theyre-a-geeky-witch.tumblr.com/post/138457594516/ here

flameofcertainty

that's actually really pretty

flameofcertainty

thanks

flameofcertainty

anyways what's up

shadowed-moonrise

i gotta work in a couple hours

by which time hopefully i will be able to handle it

idk i dont HATE it but its hard on the badbrains

flameofcertainty

i can imagine

shadowed-moonrise

like i feel ok now bc hiiiiiigh but im not very excited about leaving the house and going places

shadowed-moonrise

there will be a green party where im supposed to just pretend to be green tho!

i like those

flameofcertainty

that part sounds nice

at least

shadowed-moonrise

ive been thinking & writing a lot about how thinking-on-drugs works and greens always wanna talk about that

shadowed-moonrise

one time a client had me go to a thing pretending to just be green and it was nice and then she *told everyone she hired me* while i was in the middle of talking about my cs paper (my actual cs paper, which i actually wrote, and she implied i didnt even though i CLEARLY THOROUGHLY UNDERSTOOD IT)

flameofcertainty

???

why would she do that??

shadowed-moonrise

i wish i had just walked away but i didnt know what to do

some people....... have a humiliation kink

shadowed-moonrise

and like, okay, ill do that if you WARN ME, but you cant just spring it on me???

flameofcertainty

i am super not a sex worker but "tell people in advance" seems really obvious

shadowed-moonrise

YEAH

shadowed-moonrise

i didnt really say anything at the time bc i was so shocked but later i like messaged her and was like 'thats super fucked up'

shadowed-moonrise

she didnt really get it but she agreed to pay me extra for like, i didnt know what service i was providing beforehand & thats more costly

but she only engaged with it in like, super businessy terms

flameofcertainty

how does she not get it

this does not seem particularly hard to understand

shadowed-moonrise

i think she was like 'im paying you for both sex work and going to a party so i can just like do whatever, right?'

and there was also some like 'greys are toys'

shadowed-moonrise

fucking blues

shadowed-moonrise

i do not usually go in that much for caste solidarity because im so bad at grey + greys are not great about that but in that moment if somebody asked me i would have supported a military government

i could explain 'pay people for services and also lay out terms beforehand' but not 'greys are.... people..... dont be a fucking asshole'

flameofcertainty

i don't think i've ever actually talked to a blue

at least not to say more than "excuse me, can i get through" or "the soap is in aisle five"

huh

shadowed-moonrise

there... exist blues who are okay

there even exist blues who are okay and hire sex workers and do kinky things about castes with them

flameofcertainty

i believe you

shadowed-moonrise

like 80% of the people who hire me are entirely fine?

flameofcertainty

they can't possibly all be terrible

otoh a terrible blue can screw you over a lot more than a terrible purple

shadowed-moonrise

yeah.

im not sure what i would do if a blue client did something illegal to me because...................................... im not sure what i CAN do

flameofcertainty

probably depends on how illegal

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

and who they are

flameofcertainty

yeah

there are supposed to be reporting systems in place if they try to pay you to kill someone or something

idk if they actually do that

shadowed-moonrise

nobody has tried that and i havent heard anybody talking about that but im pretty niche and a lot of my family is green, idk

i feel like if somebody wanted to pay a grey to kill somebody theyd pick one who has ever held a gun

flameofcertainty

probably

but yeah, i'm guessing if you made an important blue mad they could screw you over pretty badly

idk

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

ugh sorry ive been talking about my shit this whole time

it has been kind of A Day i swear i am usually better at conversation

flameofcertainty

it's totally fine!

shadowed-moonrise

how is your day anyay

flameofcertainty

it's been okay

mira and i went to check out that social-dancing place

shadowed-moonrise

oooh

what kind of dance is it?

i guess i might not know purple dances??

flameofcertainty

i don't know if the name will translate

it's mostly the kind you do in a group with other people that's really traditional

shadowed-moonrise

group dances are great

if you have... similar amounts of motor skills to the other people

flameofcertainty

yeah

flameofcertainty

i haven't done anything like it in years and i'm really bad at it but it's still fun

and i'm not bad at it in a stepping-on-feet way

which is probably good, idk

shadowed-moonrise

im pretty sure not stepping on feet is strictly better than the alternative!

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

omg babybro is home <33

flameofcertainty

baby!!!

shadowed-moonrise

he is so good!!!!!!

he taaalks and he plays with me and ive been teaching him abstract concepts bc i find it really exciting when he knows abstract concepts

flameofcertainty

tell me more about this baby

shadowed-moonrise

he can do numbers up to twelve and circles and triangles and 'many' and 'other' and i asked him what one plus one was and he said 'two ones' which means he *actually understands what it means*

he has adooorable curly hair

and a little nose

and he will boop my nose with his nose if i ask him to

and he loves my weighted blanket

flameofcertainty

baaabbyyyy

what a good baby

shadowed-moonrise

i guess at this point he might not 'technically' be a baby anymore? but hes a baaaabbbyyy

[lemme edit a picture of my irl little brother to have green hair]

https://78.media.tumblr.com/fa8d578702cf6c0ed9269902f535982a/tumblr_messaging_p7ryailotL1vio47i_1280.png

https://78.media.tumblr.com/b8ec991036777a0f24c9ed84a194d921/tumblr_messaging_p7ryanbD931vio47i_250.png

baby!!!! <333

second picture featuring Grey Grandma

flameofcertainty

baby!!!!

baaaabbbbyyyyy

he's so smol

shadowed-moonrise

so small!!!!!

and smiley!!!!

flameofcertainty

happy baby!

shadowed-moonrise

i hope he is happy foreeeeever

shadowed-moonrise

his lil nose is tan bc it gets in the sun more than the rest of his face

bc he has a little baby face!!!!!!!!!!!

flameofcertainty

little baby face on the little happy baby!!!!

he's so good

shadowed-moonrise

hes next to me playing with my blanket

i looove him

flameofcertainty

what a good baby

shadowed-moonrise

i told him i was talking a friend and he says hi

although im not sure he really gets the idea of the internet yet

he seemed kinda confused

flameofcertainty

hi baby-sibling-of-ashka

flameofcertainty

he's such a cute baby

shadowed-moonrise

his name is avidik

we keep arguing about whether to use avi or idi as a nickname

flameofcertainty

hi avidik!!

shadowed-moonrise

oh no he spilled water on the carpet

its alright its a pretty waterproof carpet

he ran at me and jumped in my arms

so!!!! good!!!!!!!

flameofcertainty

eeee

flameofcertainty

baby

flameofcertainty

good baby

shadowed-moonrise

oh also have you seen this yellow violinist https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGhPGH2YROA

seems like your kind of thing

flameofcertainty

wow that's pretty

shadowed-moonrise

oh i could take a picture of avi with my violin

he is not green, technically

although he also does not know how to play even a little bit

flameofcertainty

do you play violin too?

shadowed-moonrise

a little

shadowed-moonrise

im not like good at it

but it is fun

rn i am mostly actually learning to sign but i dont understand how notes correspond to mouth sounds so if i need to sightread i play songs on the violin first and then once ive heard them i can sing them

flameofcertainty

violin is great

shadowed-moonrise

it is!!!

i always felt like i should learn piano bc its easy but i like violin so much

one of my other brothers writes a lot of synth music

its really good

he plays it without telling us it's his to get unbiased answers and then he tells us and were like HOLY SHIT

flameofcertainty

gosh

flameofcertainty

that's really sweet

shadowed-moonrise

ok i’m not really online but I TAUGHT AVIDI A LETTER

HE KNOWS A LETTER

i’m so proud of him

shadowed-moonrise

hi hi

flameofcertainty

hi

a letter!

what a good smol!

flameofcertainty

which letter is it?

i guess it might not be a letter orvaran has

shadowed-moonrise

it's [forcetranslate]a[/forcetranslate]

or uh

[forceliteral]a[/forceliteral]

shadowed-moonrise

idk if that worked

flameofcertainty

yeah

we have that sound but it's written differently

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

flameofcertainty

it's the last one in my name

[preservecharacter] a [/preservecharacter]

shadowed-moonrise

oh

i wonder if its always the same sound

i think it can make a couple sounds in anitami

flameofcertainty

just one in orvaran

flameofcertainty

maybe two

i'm not sure if they're technically separate sounds

and then there's accents and things

shadowed-moonrise

idk if i should try to teach him to read in valtaz

he speaks some but tbh there is just no situation where you even need to be able to read valtaz

flameofcertainty

maybe someday he'll want to swap to yvalta

for some reason

shadowed-moonrise

.............i really doubt it?

i guess if he wants to retire in the Old Country

flameofcertainty

i hear older people sometimes swap for the weather

flameofcertainty

or something

shadowed-moonrise

there are apps to machine translate physical signs and stuff but i guess theyd be annoying to use all the time

flameofcertainty

yeah

if he knows valtaz he can learn to read it if he ever wants to

right?

i'm not really sure how this works

'how to teach your family foreign languages' wasn't really covered in purple school

shadowed-moonrise

i think i should probably teach him the alphabet but not like focus on it

yeah my parents swapped out of yvalta with some retirees who wanted to go there for the weather and were unaffected by the horrible contract system bc they were too old to have more kids anyway

flameofcertainty

i can't really think why else you'd want to live there

flameofcertainty

lineality maybe

but there are other matrilineal countries

shadowed-moonrise

arent most countries matrilineal?

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

i think historically matrilineal was easier because like..... there can be ambiguity about who the father is if you dont have good genetic testing (and a database, in some cases), but you can always tell which person a baby literally just came out of

flameofcertainty

that makes sense for why

we're matrilineal

maybe someone who lived in ceredan would swap to yvalta for lineality, ceredan does permissions anyways

except for blues i think

shadowed-moonrise

how do blues even have kids in permissions countries

shadowed-moonrise

"ashka your family is from a permissions country" its not like they talked to blues a bunch

flameofcertainty

i think they have to impress other blues

probably they don't let you give yourself a permission

because then everyone would just do that

shadowed-moonrise

.....how many kids does the most important blue get to have tho

flameofcertainty

no idea

i think it varies by country

the one with the bears and no greys makes a big deal about the monarch only getting two

shadowed-moonrise

i guess with blues its always more "how many kids is it a good idea to have so that they can give them all a good inheritance" than "how many kids can they literally afford"

aww thats kinda cute

shadowed-moonrise

if i lived in a country where the king had like six kids i would be pretty pissed

flameofcertainty

good inheritances might be less important in permissions countries

i bet the way you impress people is with politics

or maybe real estate if you're bribing people, idk

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

it’s impressive that most permissions countries basically function okay

cuz like it seems like blues having to care so much about impressing other blues would mess with things

flameofcertainty

yeah

i don't think they function as well as most places

but that could just be propaganda

shadowed-moonrise

yeahhh idk how to tell the difference between “permissions countries kind of suck” and “permissions countries are usually small, often ex-oahk, etc, which makes stuff harder on them” and “our governments just don’t like them”

i’m low key impressed that blues in auction countries don’t make too many blue credits so they’ll be cheaper, tbh

i guess they super don’t make those decisions in spring + the international community would not be too happy about it

flameofcertainty

everyone i know from a permissions country says they suck but that's like two people

and if you increase blue credits everyone who isn't blue gets mad

shadowed-moonrise

my parents say yvalta sucks and i believe them but like idk how much it’s yvalta’s *fault*

flameofcertainty

i think the big thing is if for some reason a blue hates you a permissions granting blue can screw you over way more than a credit country blue

shadowed-moonrise

yeah that’s a big deal

idk a credit country blue can probably get you sterilized if they try really hard but it would take them more trying

flameofcertainty

yeah maybe

flameofcertainty

i've never heard of that happening in a credit country but that doesn't mean it never does

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

shadowed-moonrise

anitam is trying out a first child subsidy

which is neat i thin

think

flameofcertainty

cool

are they subsidizing the whole credit?

or just some of it

shadowed-moonrise

noooo theyre starting with like 4%

shadowed-moonrise

and increasing gradually

bc you know how changing laws goes

sooooo sloooowwwww

flameofcertainty

i guess 4% is better than nothing

shadowed-moonrise

but eventually it will be a substantial fraction of the credit i think

flameofcertainty

but probably good not to do it all at once

i know there's some countries where everyone gets one and the rest are auctioned

shadowed-moonrise

first kid free just seems so much more humane? like i understand why credits are useful and stuff but people *just not getting a kid at all ever* is awful

flameofcertainty

summary bank says alavet, av valdin, celenta, fnr, ochero, qoloc

maybe some random tiny countries that no one bothered to include

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

flameofcertainty

on the list, i mean

and yeah, i see what you mean

i wouldn't want to live in a voan country because i like knowing that if i work really hard i could get three

but it makes me sad to think about people with zero

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

flameofcertainty

i mean probably some people should get zero, like child abusers, but an auction's not going to stop them

shadowed-moonrise

hm i bet in voan/first kid free systems there’s probably a lot of four and five year olds impulsively having kids that they’re not entirely ready for but idk like maybe that’s just something they get to do

flameofcertainty

okay i'm looking at the summary bank article about the voan system

and the age when the most people have their first kid is five

flameofcertainty

but that's not most of the people

if that makes sense

shadowed-moonrise

nodnod

flameofcertainty

i know when i was almost-four they made a big deal in school about how we should all get long-term all-spring birth control

i bet they do that in voa

i guess i don't know for sure

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

i saw someone on tumblr talking about how they usually get the long term birth control and they get went on vacation to the southern hemisphere and just didn’t remember that they didn’t have the birth control and got pregnant

(they were asking if you can still get aftermarket credits in the *fall*)

:(

flameofcertainty

wow

that must suck

:(

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

i hope they managed to get an aftermarket credit

flameofcertainty

yeah

i bet they're cheaper in fall

since most people aren't getting pregnant

i definitely wouldn't want to have a kid with anyone i dated when i was four but maybe some people get really lucky there

shadowed-moonrise

yeah that’s a lot of what i’m thinking about like.... most people don’t know people who are definitely good coparents for them when they’re four

shadowed-moonrise

because it just takes time to figure that out

flameofcertainty

i'd've also been a really bad parent when i was four but some of that is me-things

shadowed-moonrise

yeah that toooo

i’m four and i’m super not ready to be a parent!!

shadowed-moonrise

i feel like i know how to be a good parent in THEORY but in practice i don’t like have the energy or emotional stability

avidi was born the spring i turned four, which was really good <3

flameofcertainty

that's so good

when i was four i was living with a friend rather than my parents

but if someone had dropped a baby on me i'd have been so unprepared

and my friend was living with their parents

flameofcertainty

so there were actual responsible people in the apartment

shadowed-moonrise

nodnodnod

shadowed-moonrise

fall/winter when i was three i was spending a lot of time with friends in other cities and stuff to get awaaay but then they there suddenly like “you know what, we’re having another baby this spring” so i came back

there are some upsides to the fact that my green mom has grey babies.......

flameofcertainty

i have a little sister

i've never actually met her

maybe someday i'll be able to make myself

shadowed-moonrise

oh wow i’m so sorry

flameofcertainty

it's not your fault

shadowed-moonrise

if you want to talk about it, or be distracted from it, or whatever-

flameofcertainty

if you want the story today's a good day for me to tell it

otoh it's definitely pollution-adjacent and i don't know if it's a good day for you

shadowed-moonrise

i think i can handle it, it is a good hypersensitivity day for me

flameofcertainty

so during the voan food crisis we couldn't afford clean food past the first couple months

you'd think living on a farm would help but it had been a bad year the previous year and none of our crops were coming up that season

shadowed-moonrise

oh. oh.

flameofcertainty

and i tried to force myself to eat the polluted food but i couldn't even make myself touch it

that's not the thing yet

so i was at risk of starving to death

and my mom got one of the neighbors to give her a super sketchy probably-illegal loan

flameofcertainty

because otherwise i might literally die

shadowed-moonrise

fuck

flameofcertainty

fast forward to 3423, the neighbor comes and asks for the money back

actually he'd been doing that for a while but she'd been able to put him off

we were super not going to be able to pay it back

and the loan was sketchy enough that she wasn't really sure what would happen if she didn't

just that it would probably be worse than normal

i

i told her i thought it would be okay

when she asked

flameofcertainty

if she

flameofcertainty

people remember fall 3422 as the introduction of the orvaran system

that was just lathande

spring 3423 was when they rolled it out everywhere

even small farming towns need someone to collect garbage, and the jobs paid really well

they had to, if they wanted to find enough people

i thought i'd be okay

shadowed-moonrise

oh

fuck.

flameofcertainty

yeah

flameofcertainty

i was really really wrong

so wrong

shadowed-moonrise

......yeah wow

flameofcertainty

that's why i wound up moving in with a friend, if i'd stayed there a week longer i'd

it wouldn't have been good

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

flameofcertainty

they didn't try to stop me

which is good

would've been silly for them to go to all that work just for me to end up dead anyways

shadowed-moonrise

hey you survived

flameofcertainty

i did

shadowed-moonrise

it was super worth it for them to do it becuase you survived

flameofcertainty

yeah

i know intellectually she's clean

but trying to be in the same room as dad or my older brother is about the same as lighting myself on fire, brain-wise

and if it's her it's worth

*worse

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

can you talk to them online or does that not work either

flameofcertainty

not really

flameofcertainty

they have my email address

they tell me things like 'you have a sister now'

she tried leaving the job once she had enough money to pay the guy back

flameofcertainty

to see if it would help, you know

flameofcertainty

it. uh. didn't.

shadowed-moonrise

yeah.

i was born in 23, which. is good. because if i found out i/my parents had eaten polluted food when i was a baby

shadowed-moonrise

colorjustice says that almost all unverifiable food was actually not polluted but

shadowed-moonrise

well maybe if i payed them enough i could go through the like fucking six month cleaning process? and maybe after that it would be okay?

but im not sure it would be enough

flameofcertainty

yeah

i know what you mean

if i'd been a year younger and they'd told me it was clean i'd've believed them

if i'd been a year older i'd probably just have killed myself

flameofcertainty

one of my friends from the treatment program

uh

didn't make it

shadowed-moonrise

i had a friend in school

who was hyper, worse than me

way worse

shadowed-moonrise

he was *going to school* but just barely, he had to take a bunch of meds with a bunch of side effects to get out of the house at all

shadowed-moonrise

and he was a year older than me

flameofcertainty

oh no

shadowed-moonrise

so their class learned about the food crisis? and he left school that day like normal and he took the train home and he got in the shower with his clothes on and took all his meds at once

flameofcertainty

oh no

shadowed-moonrise

they told me he killed himself but nobody would *tell me why* because like i was hyper too and they were worried about copycat stuff

i stayed in touch with his mom, she told me later

she FOUND him

flameofcertainty

i'm so so sorry

shadowed-moonrise

that

shadowed-moonrise

i cant imagine

finding your dead child

it was pretty hard on me but she was really never the same

flameofcertainty

yeah

wow

that's

i don't really have words

:(

:( :( :(

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

he was an only child

flameofcertainty

:(

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

shadowed-moonrise

i think they were sort of saving for another credit but they ended up spending a lot of money on like, building a room for him where he would feel clean, and stuff

and afterwards, it's not like she was going to have another kid after what happened

flameofcertainty

right

shadowed-moonrise

they wanted to take me out of class for the segment on the food crisis for, you know, obvious reasons, but that was winter when i was three and i’d already found out from like being online and reading stuff so i guessed what it was? and they freaked the fuck out when i was like “are you just worried about me finding out about the voan food crisis”

flameofcertainty

were they hoping to just ... pretend it never happened? forever?

it's not like it's easy not to learn about, if you use the internet

shadowed-moonrise

i guess i was going to Find Out When I Was Older

or something

shadowed-moonrise

i mean i understand the thinking there, like the last time was horrible and i could really just have found out later

shadowed-moonrise

the last time being my friend

flameofcertainty

yeah

i see where they were coming from

flameofcertainty

my school kept me out of class for anything pollution-related but obviously they weren't going to stop me from finding out about the food crisis

shadowed-moonrise

......yeah

i am so sorry you had to live through that

flameofcertainty

thanks

flameofcertainty

my parents thought about having me do online school while it was happening

shadowed-moonrise

it was like really really irresponsible to just tell my friend and i’m like not sure what happened there

flameofcertainty

i don't know

flameofcertainty

mesosensitives can be really bad at guessing what's going to hurt us

shadowed-moonrise

part of it is just that grey schools aren’t that well equipped for..... dealing with....... disability, i guess?

flameofcertainty

i had a classmate who thought it would help me not starve if she vividly described what it was like to eat polluted food

shadowed-moonrise

..........what

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

i mean, i guess it’s good that they tried to help

but. WHAT

flameofcertainty

our teacher moved the seating chart so i wouldn't have to sit next to her

and gave me permission to not go to the cafeteria during lunch

but yeah, i am really not sure how she came to that conclusion

shadowed-moonrise

yeah wow

flameofcertainty

i guess if she thought i was going to starve to death unless she did something

shadowed-moonrise

sometimes i wish i could just live in a hyper colony

shadowed-moonrise

even though like i’m sort of a weird hyper? they might have called it sensitivity disorder nos if i didn’t take so many decontam showers for no reason

but it would still be BETTER

flameofcertainty

there would be a lot of nice things about that

on the other hand sometimes i hear about a hyper person thinking something is polluted and my brain decides 'oh, they must be right'

even though it was fine before

and i bet that would happen a lot more

shadowed-moonrise

oh no

shadowed-moonrise

if we all thought that the UNION of the things we thought were polluted were polluted.......

we would die very quickly, i guess

flameofcertainty

yeah

shadowed-moonrise

“oh this one guy (MADE UP) said water is polluted so uh goodbye cruel world i guess”

flameofcertainty

and even without that we'd need robots or something

to take care of garbage

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

i think robots are more of a political problem than a technological one, maybe we could get away with “look we’re a hyper colony we can’t even TALK TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD most days much less murder anybody”

flameofcertainty

i think it's like

flameofcertainty

if people spent a decade developing them then they'd have them

but they aren't mostly, because of the politics

shadowed-moonrise

right that makes sense

flameofcertainty

i'm fine with mesosensitives most days, but then *sometimes* it's like they decided to figure out how to be maximally terrible

shadowed-moonrise

honestly so many jobs should be automated not bc pollution but just bc they could be and those people could then do a more skilled job or live in the country and make art or whatever but we can’t build robots at all bc of the political thing

like assembly lines could go a lot more automated than they are and then we’d just be richer and fewer as a society

shadowed-moonrise

i feel very Solidarity with hypos but sometimes..... they too........ are the worst

maybe we could get nice hypos for our colony to take care of us

flameofcertainty

maybe

flameofcertainty

there are totally nice hypos but there are also hypos who do things like put untagged photos of pollution on the internet

shadowed-moonrise

yeah it really varies a lot

shadowed-moonrise

sometimes talking to hypos is calming bc mesos are like “but MY pollution instinct says this isn’t polluted” and that doesn’t help me at all but i have an amateur theologian hypo friend who can just talk me through the theological position and that helps a lot more

flameofcertainty

it's good that you have that

flameofcertainty

and we're not perfect either

there are hypersensitives who think orvaran system workers need to all be executed

or that if you don't do [insert absurdly specific thing here] you're not really hyper

flameofcertainty

like i can't handle being around mom but i don't want people to murder her

shadowed-moonrise

yeah

i definitely like

think that there’s an objective position on pollution

shadowed-moonrise

and it’s probably not exactly the theological one but it’s closer to that than to my paranoia

shadowed-moonrise

and honestly like... i *get* it but it just takes an insane amount of arrogance to be like, “of all the billions and billions of people with pollution instincts, mine is the objective truth and everybody else, including an entire scientific field, is wrong”

flameofcertainty

mm

flameofcertainty

oh i also saw this one person saying everyone alive during the food crisis needed to be executed

that one was "fun"

shadowed-moonrise

oh my fucking

fuck that person so much

also how are they planning to run society after they’ve killed everyone over four???????

flameofcertainty

i don't know???

shadowed-moonrise

also i feel a lot of people with proposals involving doing lots of murder........... fail to account for the fact that corpses are polluted

flameofcertainty

yeah

flameofcertainty

anyways

how's life been

shadowed-moonrise

a WONDERFUL PRETTY NICE blue hired me and i might maybe have a crush

flameofcertainty

eeeee congratulations!

shadowed-moonrise

i don’t know how to approach this tho

“hey baby...... i would have sex with you for free (on a good day)”

flameofcertainty

uh

if they've hired you a couple times you could ask? or something?

flameofcertainty

i am kind of bad at relationship advice

shadowed-moonrise

yes i think that i will actually do is like

wait a while and see if he contacts me

and then maybe ask him out or something

flameofcertainty

good luck!!

shadowed-moonrise

how’ve you been

shadowed-moonrise

also, i saw you post an out of stock green and purple scarf and i could try to make you something like it

i can’t do literally that but i’m thinking like getting some white silk and waxing designs on it and then dyeing it one color and then drawing on the designs in the other

this might be totally the wrong way to go about it but it sounds fun

flameofcertainty

gosh, that's really nice of you

flameofcertainty

if you ended up doing this i'd have a couple of sensitivity-related materials requests but i don't think any of them would actually make the project impossible

shadowed-moonrise

i think that kind of project would be fun rn, what are your materials requests?

flameofcertainty

the main one is not from [link to list of countries that have done cleaning and integrated ex-reds]

or eles decontaminatable

*else

but i think that might mess up the dyes?

shadowed-moonrise

ok i can do that

yeah i think it’s probably easier to just buy from not those countries than to try to... decontaminate..... dyes

shadowed-moonrise

like most commercial clothes are decontaminatable and........ have colors but they know what they’re doing and i do not

flameofcertainty

yeah

uh

now i want to do something nice for you, help

shadowed-moonrise

umm i really like [space shoenberg], you could record yourself playing one of his pieces? although idk how much you can do that on just violin

flameofcertainty

i'll try my best

maybe i can find an arrangement or something

shadowed-moonrise

that’s so nice of you

you don’t have to, i’ll like, enjoy the project anyway

i’m not sure how to make green and purple work well as a color combo, do you mind if there’s other colors?

[haeroniel-doliet]

whoo boy i wanna talk again. besides what is my blog besides me reblogging sometimes pretty things and then sending out rambly self reflections to my 200 odd followers. ah yes. validation of venting to someone without burdening anyone. and maybe i think clearer when ive gotten a budding emotion out of my system. today im sappy about my graduation and how nice it was ;/ 

yes oh man the read more; love it. anyway ive had this bud up sometimes and i do like it but i dont get it out so im trying now to get out this feeling bc i dont function with held in feelings v well. 

this summer (2017. wow its not this year anymore) was emotional as hell for me, like, finishing school p shittily, traveling on my own (to family members and friends and to france?) and then being so in between with ib over and i knew i did badly and nobody believing me to when my results came and joy fell v quickly to tears. bc even though i surpassed my expectations in most of my subjects, my two most important ones ofc where two whole grades lower than they shouldve been. and i cried bc it meant to me i didnt get into university. i was bugged to call a uni who bluntly turned me down obviously, and i cried some more. struggling to sort out my social security being 18 and not in parents care apparently and difficult to explain why the fuck im abroad if i dont have a job or education going on. making plans to move to my brothers apartment to work and study and retake my exams from finland and take a forced gap year. 

bc of this i was so deflated for planning my stupid graduation bc feeling like a failure is not something to celebrate. id decided years ago my graduation was going to be important. bc graduation pictures are whet live on my grandparents walls and my parents house for years to come. i of course must have a beautiful flattering dress and the finnish grad cap (i didnt officially earn but hush) and to just be best me bc it’d make up for my shitty confirmation and might be the last time im celebrated by family. (ps my confirmation dress was a horrid lime strapless dress that makes me look naked in pictures where the flower bunch hid the top of the dress *shiver*. as well as being a sad 15 yr old who couldnt handle events being abt me and made it suck) and im not planning on getting married soon if ever. (joking to my dad its the last time hell see me in a white dress) but anyway, my brothers was a big ol deal bc he was the first of our gen to graduate, my cousins had a bit more casual things bc they are more casual and didnt think its such a big deal. which is maybe true. but for me. whoo boy. if theres gonna be one thing im gonna be celebrating i thought itd be my graduation and earning my god damn grad cap to be one of the adults. 

so anyway my whole situation is god damn peculiar being an international raised kid. i ofc went to ib highschool in london, “graduated” the same day as my last exam bc people needed to fly home the next day. graduate knowing nothing of your results or the future and with the fringe of impending failure over you. didnt even get properly drunk. never have been so i guess thats on me. no. thats another rant. anyway. all my 10 other classmates and i goodbye poof. no togetherness and fairwell thats it. we were kinda done (all but for my few good friends) so results day we message a lil into the group chat and then stop. we were not involved in each others graduation celebrations, not sure if some had any. in finland you do your exams, get your results then graduate all together get your hats and everyone has parties in the next few days so yea its party season. not for me. we celebrated late ish summer. (timed to my dads 50th so that i could have a little less spotlight and less pressure) and god everythings a blur and i dont wanna do invitations i dont wanna plan games to make it fun i dont wanna think of decorations or graduation presents or food bc UGH im a failure and nope. maybe in a better time i couldve. but parents plan food and get a venue (my request; nature and in finland bc like hell im dragging my grandparents to london or anyone else) and it is a military recreation spot but the by the sea and theres like nobody else so 8/10 . and i was hoping maybe they pull together entertainment like the way i made a quiz all about my brother for his graduation and hosted it. well. nah. they did try, a short quiz i helped make bc nobody knows me, my mom made a map game and ill get to the rest later. and the dress. bc it had to be good it just had to be. but like fuck do i want to go dress shopping. all i knew it had to be long (bc hello ugly legs) and with straps bc no more fake nakey. and tbh. the good stuff start happening when i only have to go to like one shop. my mom was there before hand, we try a few, and then damn. heres a flowy maxi dress. its a bit tight but super flattering (ended up getting larger one which was not as flattering but more comfortable) and my moms almost crying and she ends up buying it anyway  which im thankful for bc i found nothing that tops it. 

here it is btw, i have no clue if pics will stay under read more so i hope so but hahhah lucky yall

i know my face is  so attractive as is my posture but shhh were here for the dress right. also my uncle did actual photography bc hes an actual professional photographer but hes also depressed and doing it for free so havent seen those yet and just waiting patiently hopefully ill look tons more attractive in them. 

anyway were starting to get to the sappy part. so everyone says my dress is wonderful and gorgeous and everything right? and i genuinely agree i looked like the finnish maiden in blue and white and it suited the hat so well (pictured too) and i was so glad that was the dress, and that the world is so green behind me. things couldbe better but this was good. really good. people were dressed casual dressy with flowers featuered bc they know me that much and almost only people who i know and love were there. 

and i mean by this my cousin whos pretty much like a big sister to me <3 and helps me get my makeup right and my hair when moms too busy, my ‘auntie’ the only person i’d elevate to the honorary status not in the family, one of my moms highschool friends who came to my life in the past to years and is the most inspiring and spirited person i’ve ever met who treats me like an equal but is so passionate and caring and i can only dream to be like her, single, badass as fuck and confident in myself when i get older. (i admire her so much and it made me so incredibly happy that she was there and could come when most eveyone else is just my parents friend or family) then theres ofc my parents friends who have become close to all of us bc theyve been friends since before even my older brother was born. ive seen them more than some uncles and extended family tbh. and though theyre more mature and obviously my parents friends (while my ‘auntie’ is my moms friend and mine) and theyre hilarious supportive people who im so glad to see always, even if my own god parents couldnt make it (were in spirit and my godfather now messages me for christmas and new years to wish good luck and god im surrounded by supportive people my life is luckier than youd think) 

im not always close to the rest of my family, bc rather than being fully finnish like all them, ive grown up so international im a bit detached and its a lil sad but i know they dont mind so much and just like seeing me, i.e. my grandparents and great aunts and etc.(and ofc, dads words, more people you invite the more money you get. since i was doubting inviting people i dont rly know. but it all turned out hella well) and while in my last post i was bitter about how predictable and unimaginative my parents are at making surprises (yknow making things exciting like pinterest and media tells is right) apparently my extended family can fill these boots in their stead. cue the singing!  goodness so i think they sang a lot more than i can remember, but two stuck out. my aunt (the only real one and with a fantastic singing voice) soloed me the song of the bird that got up and flew away to see the world and homesickness. idk it was so sweet and she hugged me after saying it reminded her of me, and it was just genuine and sweet as hell. as well as her teaming up with every musical soul in the family to sing gaudeamus igitur- the song aparently sung at every highschool graduation/capping ceremony to celebrate our graduates. but since guess who didnt have that! they sang it for me, and it was the most unexpected sweet thing, bc they realised it during the party, scurried off to practice and sang the whole latin thing off their phones p much! god it meant so much for me. its incredible how much it means when someone subtly makes an observation about you (that is also correct) and then goes through surprising you with something so genuine and nice? gah! good shit. did i mention my ‘auntie’ remembered me once mentioning  a yarn i loved so much i hadnt dared to knit with it? she took a sample, went to find the yarn and made me the largest most amazing scarf (which i swear takes forever and im so thankful for) that she apparently just finished on the way there and it was perfect? maybe my absolute favourite graduation present. bc who else paid such attention to me, and didnt just take it literally, but took it to a new amazing level? heck.( also to everyone who now gives my artsy postcards to add to my collection. special ;* to you)

so- though it was a little bit of a hassle with some awkward bits, my brother only coming for an hour in the evening and conversations that went eeehhhh and etc, (plus at some point a lot of the memories of sharing a happy day with my dad and him being so proud of me were tainted by a big argument we had like a week and a half later ;( it was solved but tension stayed and its still slightly there) i managed to look p good, had my uncle hopefully take wonderful pictures of me and make me feel beautiful even if i wished i was skinnier and looked different and everything. i had people who really care about me hang out for a whole weekend and be good to me, and things went pretty darn well over all leaving me with good memories to gush over apparently! 

ohhh i totally forgot to mention huh, my lamenting above was resolved!!! i called my second uni (Aberdeen) and asked them softly like hi when will i know? bc you havent yet rejected and im uncertain bc i dont meet one of your requirements but exceed the others so? and theyre the sweetest. i gush about my uni all the time (partly to make me feel better about being there, but besides the point) about how many letters they sent me, how their entire vibe is so welcoming and accepting and like they value their students as important individuals and not just as figures to up their ratings. theyve been so caring- so open to understanding and taking the students under their wing without too much academic stress in the first term... so good and they genuinely are checking with people in charge and looking me up in their systems before telling me how they look at each case individually and will be back to me within a week and if not to call back! what uni says that. but they do- they get back to me in like 3 days. which happens to be my first day back in finland and 2 days before the graduation party. i get an email middle of the day while out with a friend but no i mustnt read it! i get back to her house, bc im staying with them, were doing dinner and.... i check and refresh and oh god im university!!! i did it!! im in!!!! holy fucking god!!! yes i jump a little and make them read it and yes i just found out right now and they bring out some champagne and i call my dad who apparently got tears in his eyes (which is so important, bc id felt him lose pride in me when my results came and id actually failed myself just like id said- aka what ended up to the argument. nope. i gotta stop spoiling good memories like this :[ ) and i suddenly felt pride in an achievement that my grades werent (now passing ib is an achievement. and the 75% of my grades that were fuckin bangin and i can be proud of) im IN. thats all that mattered, 

i was now resolved, i had a plan, i had something to tell the people who never see me so they can think well of me. i can have people congratulate me on getting to uni rather than ask about the ib! it was utterly perfect timing and made everything a little better. and im sure ive ranted about uni before, it being yknow the really right place for me, in almost every aspect except for chemistry (big part of course, makes me shaky in my whole degree choice) but im sorting things out. things are only getting better. bc im gonna see someone about maybe depression and not gonna have to vent here too much maybe. 

yikes tho, i wonder sometimes why i dont put these to my vent blog. but. my vent blog is so upsetting and horrible, like chest you scream into and shut. this is good. this is a diary entry i might want to see again. i dont wanna look into that hell pit to find this. im sorry if you’ve read this. but congratulations you now know me better as a person than most people who ever meet me. well not wholly, but getting there ;) . maybe if i ever date anyone in some future, i’ll find and edit these to give over as a summative glimpse into who i am. then again in some future id find a person who would never get sick of me talking all these feelings out in as many descriptive words as i can bc it eases me and theyd care. and do the same for me. yea. im changing. am i? maybe. things are blurry fuzzy and a little gray now. but my futures gonna be so colorful and clear i cant wait. 

[springtaesarchive]

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY TO MY BEST FRIEND, MY WIFE, MY WENCH, MY UGLIE , SOMETIMES UR THE BEST THING THTS EVER HAPPENED 2 ME BUT OTHER TIMES UR  RLY UGLIE BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY I CANT BELIEVE WE MADE IT 2 THIS DAY 

Happy birthday ellie omg ur 18 now remember when u were only 15..?? 16?? when we  met.. it’s like 1 am i don’t wanna do the math just fucking remember for the both of us, anyways why don’t u have more favs for my to gif i was strugglin 4 days to think of somethin like ppl that ACtually matter to u dnt be like “u already kno aye!!!” BC GUESS WHT U ONLY HAVE LIKE 4 PPL U ACTUALLY LIKE ok moving on, if  u would carefully .. click read more nd read ur birthday note i would greatly appreciate it thanks binch ! there may be typos but u kno thts how i am so 

first of all happy birthday again ur 18 u kno what that means U CANT SAY IM A MINOR ANYMORE SO I’VE WAITED for this day to come .. for so long.. someone’s gonna look at this message and be like why the fuck were u waiting for ellie to turn 18 ?? dont worry bout it .. me nd ellie have our own issues nd i’m not .. out here tryna... be weird ok america ? clam down anyway :((( ur 18 wow i rlly didnt think this day would come, let alone me making it not to be sad nd all bc u kno everyone leaves but u didnt nd i love u for it but also this is ur day so ?? what is the purpose of bein sad over flakey ass bitches that don’t deeserve your attetnion or time? ur love ?? guess wasnt enough ??? ur probably one of the nicest people i know that will be so quick to jump to someone’s help when they need it but people i guess aren’t the same to do the same and that’s the worst part bc PPL ARE BITCHE SGOD IT’S 2:35 AM ND I WAITED TOO LATE TO DO THIS I HAD 5 HOURS TO DO THIS ND NOW IM RUSHING UR MESSAGE IUFSDJKMGDF i’ll makeit in time anyway, moving on  as i was saying a lot of people don’t rlly deserve u as a friend  , when someone gives u the most i think some ppl should take that as a thank u bc ?? wtf u dont know what’s good until they lose u AND THAT’S A FACT LET ME TELL U PPL WILL REGRET DOIN THINGS TO U ELLIE anyway wish we were closer so we can hang out but that’s ... that’s just life i guess, can’t see u .. ur just a concept ... then again if we were close you’d be fighting w me like.. every day so maybe it is a good concept that ur not close but at the time time would be nice to hug my best friend on her birthday!!! nd take her out!!!! surprise her with things!!! bc im a great friend!!!! maybe not pay for ur food bc im broke after the gift i just got u , im so broke i couldn’t even afford the gift bag nd i twas only 3 dollars extra omg fun fact i was going to get u that japanese candy u got for me but the mango flavor i hope it was the right one but it would arrive like 4 weeks later ndi was not havin tthat like okay japan couldnt u be faster?? ur close to the side of america where u live so what ?? is the point annyway  i got distracted so it’s ur bday weekend i hope u get high as ur 18th birthday gift WITH RESPONSIBLE FRIENDS DONT BE GOIN W STRANGERS WHO’VE BEEN TRYNA GET WITH U SINCE JUNIOR YEAR BTCH TF DONT TRUST MEN  WE WENT OVER THIS anyway yeah, tell me how ur experience goes. um time to get mushy so like if u cry then great if u dont then .. fuck u , so like have i told u how much u mean to me as a person and as a friend , as a person bc ur kindness rlly inspires me to be kind, ur savage.. side makes me want to die but thats another story, i think the best part of u is how u have the kindest soul i’ve ever met out of everyone i’ve ever met nd if we ever stop bein friends in the future i think thts whats gonn hurt tht most tht the fac ti wont ever be able to be with someone who just makes me happy even w one word u could be like hey fathead nd i’d be like heart eyes bc u k no ?? u make me happy nd ur like cool, u got a cool aura that surrounds u as a person , a shame some people rlly take advantage of that but let me tell u they wont ever meet someone like u , it’s a shame rlly !!! um also as a person im sry tht i ever like was jealous of u ...... i mean ur not htat cool idk what i was jealous of :/ kinda wild that 4/5 years later tht the binch who i thought was stealin tien from meme turned out ot be one o fmy best friends im laughing so hard to myself right now whtegjdkmgf anyways remember how u said i dont write u love letters anymore so here’s one dont SAY I DONT anymore bc here’s one right NOW

dear ellie,

roses are red, violets are blue, there’s no star in the universe that shines as bright as you

dear ellie,

it’s your birthday, that means cake

dear ellie, 

sometimes birds chirp in the morning sometimes they dont they definitley dont when they see ur face

dear ellie,

even the moon is shy of u

dear ellie, 

mahal kita <3

i’m just waiting for three am to hit i JUST WANT TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND GO TO BED GOD WHY IS TIME GOING SO SLOW

anyway to end off this letter i had a clever ending but i got sad it’s only 2:45 nd my mind is tired nd now i forgot but um fun fact i was going to make u a nice video edit <3 i had all my clips chosen, i had an idea ot make like a gag reel nd i was going to do the voice overs but i rlly .. got lazy nd did like five seconds IDJFSKGMD LMAO ANYWAYS HAPPY BIRTHDAY RIELELELLELEL

MY RYAN 

MY JOE BC  IM DEF CASPER

MY ROSE

MY JENNIE

MY TAE

MY MAX 2 MY  NEV

MY NOLEE

MY MARIA

ND MORE 2 ADD AS WE GROW

CLICK EVERYTHING IN THIS ORDER OR ELSE u ruined my flow  x x x

[icharchivist]

Thanks for the links I'll be sure to watch them. I like watching analysis on Disney movies. Belle is my most favorite Disney princess. Has been forever. I was eager to see the live action movie until I kept hearing all this stuff about Belle being 'better' smarter and stronger. I was thinking Belle was already perfect. Why fix what's not broken? I'm not sure how any of this is an improvement. Instead of appreciating who Belle is and why her nature ended up destroying a curse to save countless -

2 people and redeem one soul who also proved he was a awesome selfless guy underneath that spoiled attitude. We get a character who we’re suppose to be impressed by her talents or, as you put it, how ahead of her time she was. Original Belle would be special yet easy to misunderstand no matter where or what time period you stuck her in. She was role model for her selfless attitude and independent mindest that didn’t go w/the crowd. She saw past images and cared about what was underneath. -

3 Belle was also relatable because she liked what she liked and felt lonely sge didn’t have friends who liked or accepted her. We all have yearnings to escape a place we feel belittled or trapped in. We all want to have at least 1 person to love us for who we are w/o wanting to completely change us first. But in the remake we got Belle the inventor. I’m not going to relate to someone alone for being an inventor. As you said, I feel like they lost what made Belle Belle when they turned her into -

4 into a mini version of her Father. We didn’t need her to become her dad and inherit her dad’s problems. She had her own problems. Just like what they’re doing w/Jasmine. Once again I thought the Aladdin remake looked fun until they talked about Jasmine veing a stronger version. She’s into politics and stuff. Forget that Jasmine wanted to marry for love and stood defiant against her well meaning Father’s picks for a husband. All men who only wanted her for status. That she was brave enough to-5 escape her sheltered world to be herself. That she never once looked down on Aladdin or anyone for being a street rat and treated him like a equal worthy of respect. She’s never once impressed w/material gain and showed more awe for a kind thief’s world then a boastful Prince’s magical parade that enchanted everyone else. That she stood up to Jafar of all villians w/o breaking a sweat. That she forgave so much. That she got her freedom and true love in the end. That’s only 1 movie too.

Yeaaah that’s so true I agree with all you said.

Tbh this is kind of another problem, Belle was more “ordinary” in a way that was relatable: but that was part of what made her this “extraordinary”. She was the “simple bookworm” who had a golden heart and could have people be their best selves around her. And it’s.. good. I mean I think people forgot those movies originally target kids or the kids inside of us. Sometimes it’s just good to tell the kid that even simplest things make them amazing. That they don’t have to be “special”, to be smarter, stronger than everyone else to be taken seriously, that you could just be yourself, that you could still have an impact on people’s lives. 

Like yeah it’s cool to tell kids they can be more too!! It’s important that there are stories that can tell kids “and you can do extraordinary things” but htat doesn’t mean that the likeable ordinary characters shouldn’t exist. And it’s such a disservice to Belle bc she was relatable. Any kids could feel for her journey, for who she was, and didn’t have to feel.. unadequate because y’see they’re not a genuis like her.

Already I feel like we’re losing a bit of her agency by making her an extension of her father, but as it is, it’s just… again that apparently to be considered a “good protagonist” you have to be a step ahead, to not just be a normal person see, you have to be a SUPER person who is more amazing that everyone and super transgressive.

And it’s.. a shame because the original movie carries that on far better. Belle is still weird, and we know the town is being a bit dumb but…. the thing is that, it’s super relatable? Like in the remake tries far more to relate it to the time period (which is in itself silly, the original “La Belle et La Bête” was published in a lady’s magazine for women to read it’s not,, like it was that weird to “teach another girl to read” in that time period in France,,) and they add this stupid plotline of how Gaston is just having major PTSD and that’s why he’s a douche and they have a whole section showing the townfolks don’t trust him blindly and Le Fou has to pay them to sing Gaston and i’m just??? Bc No, the Town were just mindless people who just would push away anyone who’s different. Gaston is your usual bully. The kind who believes they’re more important than anyone. They’re… people you actually meet in your life. 

So by making Belle “more special” while also in a town that is “more justified” it just… feels wrong and fall flat and it just feels insulting.

I don’t know that remake missed all the marks and Belle especially suffered from it and i hate how superficially they took the character. It’s super annoying. 

For Aladdin i admit i didn’t keep track of the remake, i personally think it looks like a trainwreck but i’m also very, very tired about the Disney Remake trend, and extremely annoyed with the “We’re fixing stuff from the original” ones. Because like, for exemple, liking it or not Maleficient wasn’t trying to fix the original, it was another side of the story. Jungle Book took a different approach but didn’t act all smugly about how they were fixing things. But with Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin they keep talking about things to change from the original to make it “more modern and better” and generally it’s not even on like… actual important stuff (i’ve only ever watched Aladdin in French and they don’t have it in it but apparently there’s a lyrics from the opening song that is downright offensive about how barbaric the culture is. Like. Think about fixing that before fixing your “woman problem” Disney.)

For Aladdin,  I really have no idea where the damn remake is headed but yeah i’ve seen them mention how much the new Jasmine is better than the original and c o m o n. You can try to talk a little more about politics without completely  undermining that she was still having an arc in the original, that she didn’t want her life decided for her, and everything you just said. 

idk i feel like they didn’t even get why those characters were liked to start with. They rush into conclusion about what bad role models they are without even taking into account that it’s… not like that people took them. Legit I’ve never thought “Cinderella/Ariel/Belle needed a Man to save them from their lives” for exemple until people started to smash it all over my head when I was a teen. 

Personally my fav princess growing up was Ariel, for exemple. to me she was a passionate person and people around her kept villainizing what she liked, his father litterally destroys all her stuff in front of her in a fit of anger. she is more pressured into doing the family stuff like singing for his father, but her interests are shunned away. What she wants is to explore her passion, to discover new things, to not be locked where her family tells her is her best place to be, especially when her father for exemple completely overlook her boundaries. Saving Eric happened to be one of the catalyst making her want to set it in motion, but she didn’t do it until her father sent her the message that her passion would be welcomed with violence. And yeah she took rushes decision when she was running away from home after her father terrified her, she was pressured in the contract, but the enjoyed herself on Earth, and whatever “she just wanted to find a man” means, she found what she wanted with Eric. he has boats, they can travel if she wants. He invites her to danse, he makes her visit places, she handle a horse, he helps her live more of her dream that isn’t just living a life with him. 

So to me i grew up with Ariel on a pure escapism sense, of living off your passion, of being able to escape an unsafe place to be with said passion, and hell the ultimate fantasy is that her father admited he was wrong and did right by her in the end. Getting the man was a bonus. 

and Ariel also enters a lot in the bashed princesses category because of Eric and it always kinda frustrated me, but when I was a young teen and everyone told me they were bad role models? I just ended up agreeing because “guess kid me doesn’t know any better”. But as an adult now, I feel like kid!me understood it much more, because those raw emotions are what inspired me in my life. Not the man, the passion did. 

Can’t WAIT until they remake The Little Mermaid to “remake Ariel in a Stronger Female Character” even if that’s not what this story need /sarcasm.

So yea long story short I think executives who are trying to say “how to better female characters kids loved” just completely missed why kids loved those characters to start with, and so instead it’s just pushing down our throat “shhh you love it the wrong way, here how you should love it too be More Progressive” and this is just annoying.

So yeah. Wait and see for the Aladdin’s remake but I have very little hope. 

Oh boy and it reminds me everything they planned for the Mulan remake *takes a huge breath* i dont know if i’m strong enough.

Take care!

[oajpw5f3-blog]

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[apartments4rent]

alright bitches its 1am time TO FEEL

lol idrk if its gonna be feelsy but ive been thinking aboutthoid since i was at work and i wantto write it down and throw it out this the woeld b4 i forget it?? but i sont hink i will NAYWAY READ MORE??? bc this is gonna be a n incoherent mess and its 1am so idc about seplling anythings thing right ok looooooool

udk what started this, like what lead me to this thought but at work today i was like “MARV IN LOVE!! OH WAIT i t hought of it bc i heard ‘nicotine’ by p!atd andi was like “hey i put this song on ambmarv playlist too,,, i wonder how theyre doing” thne i got to thinking bout marv in love!! and i didnt rmbr [much] of what i had alread ywritten on this blog but i just went off and started thinkin boute when marv relizes he loves amber and my heart SOARD lol then it sank again bc i was like “aw :^( amb if scared to return his feewings bc immortal :^((((” then i started thinking about when marv realizes he loves her , he resolves to tell her!! bc damn it she makes him happy and he wants to make her happy toO!!! he wants to show her how she makes him feel!!! he wants to share his LOVE!!! and at everyopportunity whar he tries to ttell her, she manages to avoid or ignore or change the somthg or realize she has to do smthg over there hahah

THEN I GOT TO THINKING  about this idea i had, like one of the first ones i had awhan we firse came op with the ay where amb was gonna go on a date with someone she thot was speciall but it turned out to be her old nemisis making fun of her and she gets rlly drunk and sad and calls marv ovr to her a partment [just for self conttect, i feel like this might take place b4 marv realizes he caught feelings?? but not to far off wither lol]  so yeh shes drunk and sad bc guess what!! shes actually a really lonely person!!! she, quote, “CURSED herself to live a lonely unfulfilling life bc she said she wasnt to see the world??” so yeh shes sad bc she cant make meaningful connections with people anymore bc it hurts to much when she outlives them so to avoid this, she doesnt stay in one place for too long anymore but sc of this she also keeps the people she cares most deeply about at arms lenthg bc shes just gonn lleave anagi anyway?? so why bother twih the emotional crapUNLUCKY FOR HER < shes also a very VERY empathetic person and it hurts her more to have to dothis !! so ok shes rambling anf crying on marv and she KISSSSSSSSSSSES HIM >:^0 its a very messy kiss and marvs too shocked to reciprocate bc asfter the kisss she continues to cry and bury her face in his chest, wherein he finds it only necessary to hold he class and stroker har till she falls asleep on him,, marv lays awake for a long time just,, thinking bout all the stuff shes just dumpedon him and how it sorta changes his perspective on her a little,, i mean at this point he cares for her deeply , just as he does sor the reat of his friends, but this sheds a whole new light on her,,, shes more than what she projects to the world,,, tho she aopeats to have all the answers, she i is infact very scared and vulnerable just like the reat of us,, so he probably naps for a few hrs b4 amb SHOOTS UP IN BED when she wakes up, still in his arms. marv being a light sleeper, immediatly notices and thinks somethings worng, “YEAH smthgs wrong, why r u  in my bed,, oh god is that my lipstick smudges on ur,, oh god WE DIDT??” “ABSOLUTELY NOT I WOULD NEVER” “GOOD omg,, i barely remember anything that happaened last night afte,r,, ugh ,,, after THEY showed udpd,, guh,,  i m sorry for, uh,, botherin g u marv” “ Ohno, it was no bother im glad i could, uh, hlp in a,, small way i guess,,” “yea h,,,,,,,, i didnt say antyhin,,, wierd,, to u last night,,, sis i?” inside marvs head: calculating meme “,,,,,,no, nothing too strange” ANYEAY i kinda went of f onthat tangent lol i didnt ome up with ALL that dialgue thinking at wokr lol bUT HU,, igues thats the start of thingd bceming more? ?for them ....?? alls i kno is htat when marv finally mangaes to cornere amber to have a talk anbotu shifellin s, they have another emotional feels jam and amb admits in i not drunt stupor, that shes scared to allow herself to experince that kind of love again bc “it always hurts, everytime, it hurts” and then they talk bkh balh blah THEY KISS!! CONGRATS UR A THING NO!!

nayway this also lled me  to thinkig OH i said b4 that marv had agf in college bUT hmmmm im like whAT IF,, hes neveer had a gf bf4  >:^0 crazy thot i kno but ill sleep on it [and other such thots] and mayhaps sidccus further on thes kiddos that i havent touching in MONTHDS!!!!

OK GOODINGHT!!!

its 2am now

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth