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ladykailitha · 10 months ago

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Look, considering I've only gotten involved in Stranger Things after season four and therefore haven't been around the fans during other new season filming starts, but my brothers/sisters/nb in fandom what the honest fuck is going on right now?

I have been a part of other fandoms when new seasons started filming and the worst I'd seen was BBC Sherlock. And you lot are behaving worst then they did.

And Jesus fuck, that's a fucking low ass bar.

(Again I am ship and let ship, kinktomato, and headcanon free for all)

But this is just what I've seen in my small deliberately secluded corner of the internet so forgive me if I get some things wrong.

Ronance fans have turned on Steddie fans.

Steddie fans are trying to eat each other over who tops and who bottoms between two horny, barely out of their teens, men.

Eddie is confirmed dead.

Dustin is trying to become Eddie.

People want Will dead because Noah Schnapps said some stupid shit regarding genocide.

And Argyle isn't coming back.

I'm going to give you my feelings on these so buckle up lets go:

1- Steddie and Ronance fans have turned on each other. And I know this because I doom scroll through steddie tag. That Ronance fans think Steddie fans are delusional and that they're going down after season five airs and there will be more Ronance fans because they're perfect for each other.

Where to even begin on this? First, never tell a shipper that their ship is never going to be canon because they don't care. Just ask all the Destiel, johnlock, and merarthur fans. Steddie fans are just going to ignore all but the most salient parts of season 5 if Eddie doesn't come back and write AUs for the rest of their lives. You know, like they have since the last scene on the Piggyback faded to black?

Secondly, I don't think I've seen much Ronance without Steddie. Granted I only read Steddie, but it seems that the two ships are tied pretty heavily together. The fruity four comes to mind. So maybe it's that they're getting tired of being a side ship next to a massive one like Steddie. Who knows. But apparently they're bitter.

And I say that because they keep tagging their anti-Steddie posts as Steddie to make sure we see it. Honestly, I just block them and go about my day. But seriously, I've never understood people's need to be shitty like posting hate on the tag for that thing. If you don't like it, fine. Block and move on.

Thirdly. Lastly. Maybe. I don't like Ronance. I saw the charms when I first joined the fandom and it was cute. Until the more I read and I realized that most of the time they don't bring up that Jonathan is even a person let alone Nancy's current boyfriend. That most of the time Steve is written wildly out of character about not caring that they're a couple and that he just wants them to be happy. Like, one Jonathan is severely under used in the fics I've read. Like Will doesn't have an older brother anymore. It's all Steve or Eddie. Which considering how you like your flavor of queer for Eddie or Steve (gay/pan/bisexual) Will talking to them about being gay makes sense, but Jonathan showed us in the last season that he is going to protect Will no matter what. Then blip! in fanfics, he's gone.

And then the whole Steve being okay with Robin not only dating an ex-girlfriend of his, but the ex. The one he thought he was going to marry. The one he dreamed a whole fucking future on. That was still hurt by two fucking years later. You either think very lowly of Steve or you just don't care. Because if you think Robin and Steve are the same person/share the same braincell/ride or die for life, there is no way even if Nancy threw herself at Robin would she even consider it. (I can write a whole ass post just on this by the way, don't get me started.)

2- This is the most recent bullshittery due to a current event about Sub Eddie. This is the worst discourse in any fandom and the worst offenders on either side tend say the most homophobic shit imaginable.

And it's pointless. Whether you think Steve is a top or bottom, whether you think he's dom or a sub. Same with Eddie. Everyone has their own flavor they prefer and they won't always match up with yours.

Personally I write them whatever feels natural for the story. But here's the major crux of the matter. I don't believe a little nerd in Bumfuck, Indiana has any idea what flagging is. I'm sorry. Left pocket, right pocket. Doesn't matter. The likely of him even knowing what BDSM is is pretty slim. I grew up in a small town. There will be some people that know, but that's because they know adults in the scene.

Don't like, don't read. Seriously, guys. Let people enjoy what they want to.

My personal feelings on the matter is that Steve is a bottom/sub because he deserves to be taken care of and Eddie would absolutely want to be that person for Steve, in and out of the bedroom. Again, you do you, beau.

3- The tombstone. Sigh. It was hard to see that. Not just because it confirms he's dead, but because it's been defaced. Most likely like fans have said, "BURN IN HELL" the poor bastard.

Having a tombstone doesn't necessarily preclude Eddie's return. There are several ways he can still comeback Kas! theory not withstanding. But the wank here is people jumping on Steddie shippers and Eddie fans in general pointing and screaming "see!"

Like we didn't have campaigns for Barb and Bob and (Billy). If someone's favorite character has died, don't be dicks when they want them to be resurrected a la Jim Hopper. Because that right there is the main reason people will still hold out hope until the final scene fades to black, okay?

I guess this one is just be nicer to each other, okay?

4- *sob* like holy fuck. Dustin you sweetheart. The long hair, the torn Hellfire t-shirt, the rings. The horns and sticking out his tongue. That poor boy needs several hugs STAT! And of course, people can't leave well enough alone on Facebook, I couldn't tell you how many of the comments were "steddie fans are going to make this all about them, aren't they?" Even though there wasn't a single comment by a Steddie making it about Steve/Eddie. But so many eye rolls. The other half were death threats against Noah Schnapp.

Which brings me to...

5- Noah Schnapp said some really shitty things about Zionism and the attack on Gaza. There is no escaping that. He said them. He double downed on them. And while yes it sucks he said those things, let's not forget he's still young and stupid. He's barely 18/19 years old. I remember being that age and saying stupid fucked up shit, and hoo boy does this make me grateful I was well into adulthood when the internet became a thing (24ish).

There are a lot of reasons to be upset by his comments and I get that. But death threats and calls for his dismissal/boycotts just seems excessive to me.

One, because the story began with a kidnapped little boy and a runaway little girl. If you get rid of one of them especially this close to the end it would fuck up the story. Now if there was more than one season left, sure. But this is literally the end. And for all we know, Will's character may already be doomed by the narrative. So calling for it now isn't go to do anything. Especially since they already had all the scripts written and would have finished filming if it hadn't been for the strikes.

Two, one person on the cast said something stupid and hurtful and you want to boycott the entire show for it? Like, what did David Harbor, Joe Keery, Maya Hawke, Millie Bobby Brown and all the others do to deserve you boycotting their show? If the last season tanks it could seriously hurt their careers, but hey Noah Schnapp said something bad, so fuck them?

I'm going to stop there, because this is another one I can go on and on about, but yeah. Don't hurt other people in your rush to vilify an 18 year old.

6- Eduardo Franco recently said that he didn't get a call so he didn't think he would be back. He was sure that ship had sailed.

Fans are upset, naturally. Argyle was a sweetheart and deserves better than to be cut from the story like that.

But thanks to the incident with David Harbor and Jim Hopper supposedly being dead, a lot of fans are saying he's only saying that because it's a "secret" he's coming back. Which would make sense for Eddie or any of the other character died. Martin Brenner, for example, but not Argyle. There would be no need for subterfuge. Plus, he would already be out in Georgia if he was coming back.

It's sad that he was done dirty this way, but if they split up the filming like they've done before there is still a chance he might get to come back, but as far as the current filming is concerned, yeah Argyle isn't coming back.

***

Just... be kind to each other. Remember that the other people on the end of the URL is an actual person with feelings. That people can like what they like so if they aren't hurting you, don't hurt them, okay?

#my writing #stranger things #ladykailitha rants #tw wank #fandom wank #season 5

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claustrophobicklaus · 5 months ago

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DUNGEONS AND DRAG QUEENS SPOILERS

Dungeons And Drag Queens is one of my most favorite D20 seasons ever.

It was my first D20 season (I straight up got Dropout specifically to watch it) and I've seen the whole thing five times, Adventuring Parties and all. It's just so fucking perfect. I made my mom watch it and now she's into Dimension 20, I made my friends watch it, and I have since seen every season, some of them multiple times.

First of all I love any season with beginner players (ACOFAF is contending for first place in my rankings.) Just the magic of watching them realize how fucking cool it is, and getting so invested and trying so hard. It never fails to make me cry. I'm excited for the new season no matter what, but I do hope some of the original queens are there because I deeply love them. This is the first time a side quest has gotten a sequel so I have no clue what to expect in terms of cast, but if those four are in it again I'll scream with joy.

It just makes me so emotional, it's got so many good bits and great moments, it soothes my soul like nothing else. Alaska not talking much but being super invested, Jujubee being a chaos monster and then making me sob, Monet taking it so seriously and using all her video game and anime knowledge. And Bob, wow, Bob's such a force of nature in this season. They go off right away describing all the spells and giving all these details, and Gertie's entire character arc is just everything.

Honestly I'd love to watch all or any of them in another long running campaign.

It also has one of my favorite ships (deeply non canonical) which is Gertie and Nyruth I'll die on this hill idc idc idc don't get me started you won't like me when I'm started okayyy

POINT BEING I LOVE IT, IT MAKES ME FEEL SO MANY THINGS, AND I REALLY HOPE SEASON TWO SLAYS AS HARD AS SEASON ONE DID OKAY BYEEEEE

#dungeons and drag queens #d20 #dimension20 #dropout #bob the drag queen #alaska thunderfuck #jujubee #monet x change

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intheticklecloset · 1 year ago

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Raise the Bar (Haikyuu!!)

Primary Universe

Summary: Bokuto catches Kageyama doing pull-ups and decides to have a little fun with him. Ft. Akaashi.

A/N: An anon had requested this for my 3k raffle event last year that ended up getting cancelled, but I did write it anyway, so here it is. This is for you, anon, whoever you were. Enjoy!

Word Count: 1,524

~~~

“Look at this guy, trying to show off how strong he is!”

Kageyama dropped to the floor, startled, and turned to see Bokuto and Akaashi from Fukurodani approaching him. He was surprised it wasn’t Hinata – that little tangerine idiot seemed to find him everywhere – but he wasn’t complaining, either.

“I’m not trying to show off,” he replied, turning to face them both fully, one hand still on the pull-up bar he’d been using in the doorway to the gym.

He was one of many, many volleyball players throughout the prefecture who had been invited to a giant, all-inclusive party/sleepover to celebrate the end of the season and upcoming third-years’ graduations. Said sleepover was being hosted by Fukurodani, so theirs was the gym they’d be using to eventually crash in later. Right now Kageyama just wanted to burn off some excess energy. He thought he’d slipped away without notice, but no such luck.

Bokuto nodded at the pull-up bar. “How many can you do?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Twenty? Thirty?” Kageyama honestly didn’t know.

“You’ve never counted?”

“We don’t really do pull-ups at Karasuno.”

Akaashi stood off to the side with his hands in his pockets, watching the interaction with his usual detached interest. “Neither do we. He’s just being a dork.”

“I am not!” Bokuto whined, then flashed a grin at his former rival. “Well, don’t let us stop you. Continue showing off for us, Tobio!”

Kageyama blinked. He was called by his first name so rarely it threw him a little, but more than that, he wasn’t sure he wanted to get back to it now that he had an audience.

“I was, uh…just wrapping up,” he said, finally letting his other hand drop.

“Liar. You just can’t handle the pressure of being watched, can you?”

“I can!” the setter retorted, gripping the pull-up bar once again, falling easily and swiftly into the obvious trap Bokuto had set for him.

The ace snickered to Akaashi. “First-years, am I right?”

“Don’t be a jerk,” Akaashi muttered back, smacking him.

“Oww! I’m not; I just want to have a little fun. This is a sleepover, you know. These things were made for chaos to reign.”

Kageyama was four or five pull-ups in when he suddenly felt fingers grasping his waist, digging into his hips, making him sputter out a laugh and nearly tumble all the way to the floor. As it was, it took substantial effort for his legs not to give out on him when he landed back on his feet and whirled around again, blushing furiously. “W-What was that for?!”

“Just seeing if you could handle the pressure, big guy,” Bokuto teased, wiggling his fingers at him playfully.

Kageyama both loved and hated how much the sight of wiggling fingers made his insides do backflips and somersaults in all kinds of excited ways. He shivered, but in the back of his mind he was panicking a little. Did Hinata say something? No, surely not. He was crazy, but he wouldn’t go around announcing something like this to the world without permission. This had to just be a random attack on Bokuto’s part.

“What’s the matter? Flustered, Tobio?” the ace teased again, lunging forward suddenly like he was going to attack only to come up short. It didn’t stop Kageyama from letting out a shriek and stumbling back a few steps, already covering his stomach and giggling a little. Bo’s grin was predatory. “Oho~ Gotcha to show your hand, didn’t I? Now I know where you’re really ticklish!”

Kageyama knew his face had to be scarlet by now. “L-Leave me alone.”

His words came out sounding half-hearted at best, and Bokuto picked up on that instantly. He laughed. “What, not gonna try to prove me wrong? Get back to your pull-ups, Tobio. I’ll bet you a taco from that place down the street you’ll let go of the bar if I start tickling you again.”

“I…I don’t—”

“Two tacos!”

Kageyama hesitated. He didn’t care about any special tacos, but if he was honest, he was kind of curious to see how long he could last now that Bokuto was challenging him directly. Plus, seeing those fingers had put him into an immediate lee mood, so…

“I can hold on,” he managed at last, mustering up his best defiant smirk. “Watch me.”

Bokuto motioned for him to just get on with it already, grinning, clearly just as eager to get started.

The Karasuno setter gripped the pull-up bar, suddenly feeling very exposed under Bokuto’s intense stare. Still, he started to lift himself up, and that’s when the ace attacked.

“Pfff – nohohohohoho!” Kageyama squealed, dropping back onto the ground and using one hand to push him away, the other still holding onto the bar – barely. “No fahahahahair!”

“You let go, Tobio~” Bokuto teased, scribbling his fingers across his friend’s belly. “Too ticklish to take it, huh?”

“It’s ohohonly one hahahand!” Kageyama protested.

“Ha! All right, I’ll let this one slide since I didn’t specify. But get that hand back up there and don’t move either of them, or you’ll be buying me tacos!”

Shakily, Kageyama did as he was told, heart racing with excited anticipation for what was to come next. As soon as his fist closed around the bar, Bokuto went back to tickling his belly, and the setter went back to cackling at the contact.

“Heh, got a ticklish tummy, hmm?” the ace cooed. He glanced over his shoulder at Akaashi. “Yo, you’re missing out on the fun! Get in here and help me, dude!”

Akaashi had been observing their exchange up to this point, noticing how Kageyama hadn’t backed away or flinched at all at the mention of tickling – something that would spur everyone else he knew to run away or fight back or literally anything else besides just let it happen. He’d concluded that the setter must enjoy it to some extent, and as long as that was the case, he was willing to join when the invitation was extended to him.

Soon Kageyama had tickling fingers scribbling and scratching across his belly and his ribs and up into his underarms, and it was getting increasingly more difficult to hang onto the bar instead of fight back. It reminded him in a way of being in Hinata’s “tickle zone,” though with slightly different stakes attached.

“I’ll admit, I’m impressed, Tobio,” Bokuto chuckled, watching his friend’s face contort with happiness, his cheeks flushed and hair mussed and overall looking like he was having a great time. “Didn’t think you’d last a minute, let alone two. You must like this, huh?”

“He must,” Akaashi confirmed before Kageyama could defend himself. “Otherwise he’d have bolted the moment you wiggled your fingers at him. Right?”

Kageyama could do nothing but nod through his laughter, his arms shaking from the effort to keep them above his head.

“Cute.” Bokuto smiled, stepped back for a moment, and cracked his knuckles. “But I gotta find a way to break you somehow.”

“Aiehehehehehehe! Wahahahahahait!” Kageyama pleaded for the first time when the ace targeted his thighs next, getting dangerously close to a spot that would bring him down quite literally whether he had the willpower to take it or not. “P-Plehehehehease, I gihihihive up! You wihihihihin!”

Bokuto laughed. “Oh yeah? Then why are you still holding onto that bar?”

Kageyama didn’t have a chance to reply, because that was the moment fingers dug into the backsides of his knees and his legs gave out on their own accord.

Once he was on the floor, Bokuto and Akaashi both pounced on him, both grinning, both tickling wildly now that the competition portion of their attack was behind them. Kageyama squealed and threw his head back with laughter, squirming and batting weakly at their arms.

“Okay, okahahahahahay!” he begged after another minute of playful torture. “I gihihihihive! Plehehehehease, stohohohohohop! No more!”

At Akaashi’s urging, the two of them let up as requested, letting the Karasuno setter catch his breath and giggle out a few leftovers, hugging his torso as he sat upright.

Bokuto poked his chest teasingly. “Feeling good, Tobio?”

Kageyama blushed but nodded all the same. “Y-Yeah. Thanks for…well…” he waved at the pull-up bar, indicating the bet that had started them down this path of random, spontaneous fun. “You know.”

“For the tickling?” Akaashi piped up, scoffing good-naturedly. “You’re welcome.”

“Well, I think it’s safe to say that bet was a draw,” Bokuto said, stretching as he got to his feet, “so why don’t we just go Dutch on those tacos tomorrow for lunch?”

Kageyama took their offered hands and stood back up as well. “Heh…sure. Just don’t tell Hinata.”

“Why not bring him along? It can be the four of us!”

The setter considered. He thought about what would happen if he admitted to his best friend what had just gone down here, and how Hinata might be mock offended that he wasn’t around to see it, and how that might start a whole other round of tickling, and…

He grinned, already eager to go find that boke and tell him everything. “All right. I’ll let him know."

#fanfiction #tickle fic #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#hq #kageyama tobio #bokuto koutarou #akaashi keiji #playful #teasing #competition #sleepover #friends #tickling #ticklish #tickle

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alea-says · 6 months ago

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H50, season 5, episode 1 thoughts...

Whatttt?

Okay, I have seen this scene before. The boys obviously in some kind of therapy. I just, honestly thought it was part of the whole therapy episode that, I think, comes in a later season.

But apparently I get BOTH!

Danny: We have been together for three years

Steve: Four

The fact that Steve then corrects him down to the day. Yeah, someone's been paying attention.

Also, Steve in that blue button up. Mmmhmmmm.

This is so beautiful I just want to quote it all.

Sir Daniel.

The fact that this is how they're starting the season... it's an obvious recap of who everyone is for new viewers but ... really?? ... could they have made it any more mcdanno??

Steve: we're ohana

Danny: I guess I was just agreeing with him, for the first time

No matter how much they argue they're family.

This poor couple obviously something is gonna go wrong... and it did.

And just in case we haven't been able to tell from his general vibes, one of Danny's intro scenes is now him and baby Joan (I think, based on how short it is). Just so we know he's father material.

(And if it's Joan, interesting that him interacting with Steve's niece is considered important enough for his intro)

Kono and Adam being adorable.

Wait. Was she surfing with her phone on her ankle? I may need me a waterproof case like that that is actually waterproof!

Hey, Steve let someone else fly the helicopter.

Shaw: you must be Detective Williams

Max: I have given her the full heads up

Danny: you gave her the heads up on what?

Steve: it's all true

And now you know there's a drone... go put your vests on.

Steve and Danny teasing Jerry together. And Danny has to slap Steve's thigh while doing so.

I'm sorry, Jerry, but yes, people do still read hard copy books.

Book em Danno.

And Steve's been shot.

Oh, look at that, Danny's just the right height for Steve to put his arm around him and use him as a crutch.

Steve: I can't drive, Danny

Danny: oh really? There's a silver lining in the face of death. Fantastic.

Steve: my leg will heal. Don't get used to it.

Okay, but now we need some cool action for stopping the plane please.

Okay, that drone was cool. Even if I did was some super Seal shanenigans (but I guess Steve's been shot, so...)

But he's up and running anyway...

Go Danny! Nice shooting!

Okay, and that clip ejection and reload was hot.

Yes, Steve does need a loyalty program with every fifth bullet extraction free. Lol.

Also, I note Danny is the one allowed to push his wheelchair.

Max: I just explained to Dr Shaw that Commander McGarrett is the leader of five-0 and that you're his deeply cynical, misanthropic, short-tempered partner.

Max: Dr Shaw agreed with my assessment, however, she did think you were cute.

Steve: hey! *reaches his hand back for a fist-bump with Danny.

(Okay, but does Dr Shaw think Danny is Steve's cop partner or partner partner? Just asking)

Well, now they're setting up a whole bunch of things for the season...

Mention of Danny's brother again... that dude better not threateb Grace.

Okay, I think this is now one of my fav eps despite the fact wasn't as much fan of the drone storyline as some of the others we've had.

Deleted scenes...

Oh, this is a brilliant one of mcdanno arguing...

Danny: where do you get stones big enough to tell that lady that I get to drive my own car?

(Stones Danny? Where are your thoughts?)

Danny: I'd like to drive it when we're together as friends.

(Steve, Danny is inviting you on a friend date where he gets to drive the car, okay)

Oh wow. Catherine found Najib but decided to stay in Afghanistan.

Wow, so Catherine breaks up with Steve in a deleted scene.

(I mean, I'm not mad, cos I do like her as a character just not with Steve, and I like she was honest with him and her reasons for staying there are good)

#h50 #mcdanno #hawaii five 0 #steve mcgarrett #danny williams #my thoughts

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karamazovposting · 7 months ago

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On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part four)

Since this is (finally) the last part of this essay and I've already previously mentioned what it will be about, I don't have an introduction to make, but I do think I need to give a couple disclaimers before getting right into this mess. First one: I have a lot of explaining to do because this gets medical again and I can't just assume you all know exactly what I'm talking about and/or to what extent; I hope I won't overexplain or sound condescending. On this same note, I forgot to open part one by explaining that bipolar disorder is a chronic mental illness that is treatable through lifelong medication and not necessarily lifelong therapy but not curable because to me that's a given, so sorry if you didn't have much knowledge on the topic and had to read my yapping with little or even no context. Second one: I will be using some words (such as "delusional") that are to be taken literally, in the medical sense. I'm not saying this because I think you are all stupid of course, but to highlight the seriousness of what I've been talking about these past months; it seems to me that lately medical terminology regarding mental health has been watered down a lot by Internet culture to the point of it losing its meaning, with memes about being "delulu 🤪" or reducing mania to dyeing your hair by yourself at 2 AM leading people to not take these things seriously. I don't mean to be a spoilsport or anything, I like and share those memes too but I've actually been (hypo)manic and delusional in the past so I guess I have the right to joke about it at least. Maybe it's not that serious but I want it to be serious at least here, which is also why I've never referred to episodes as "mood swings". I don't do that in real life either, even when talking to people who don't know much about bipolar disorder, because I've always found the term reductive and misleading: everyone has mood swings, it came free with being a human being. In my opinion it contributes to the misunderstanding of this disorder and the people who have it; no, we are not moody by default and no, we don't change our minds every five minutes or are happy one moment and then suddenly sad the next (seriously, who came up with these stereotypes and how?), but I digress.

This said, let's get down to business. I want to start with one detail that is either one of the most absurd coincidences in the entire history of literature or proof that Dostoevsky was somewhat somehow familiar with bipolar disorder and decided to integrate some things he witnessed in Ivan's character (I guess without knowing, as at the time there was very little understanding of it to the point it wasn't really considered an illness and was referred to as circular insanity and later as manic-depression, which are both cooler names than bipolar disorder but again I digress) because I swear I can't find any other explanation for it: the timeline of The Brothers Karamazov. It might seem like a very small detail, but as soon as I figured out the timeline I thought of fucking course. Now, we all know the timeline of this novel is a little confusing at first as there are almost no indicators of how much time has passed between Alyosha running from one house to another first and shit going down second, but in the first half of the novel we know it all starts in late August and honestly I didn't make anything of it, but then the timeline becomes clearer after Dmitri's arrest and we end up in early November for the trial and I mean, nothing particularly interesting or peculiar about a book covering the events of a (little over) two-month timespan, right? Technically yes, because it's not the amount of time that has passed that matters, but the time of the year: if it all had, for example, taken place from late June to early August or from late December to early February I wouldn't even be talking about it, because there's no seasonal change taking place in those months. August to November, however, is another story. I also find it interesting that it's the change from warm to cold weather, as it's the one that's the hardest for most people (for me personally it's the opposite, the shift from Winter to Spring is a nightmare, but I'm a rare case when it comes to that); I don't really know why, but the seasonal changes are always delicate periods for people with bipolar disorder as they can trigger episodes, I guess it's pretty much the same mechanism that occurs in seasonal depression. So, let me lay the timeline out for you: the Karamazovs reunite in late August, Ivan leaves a few days after, Fyodor is murdered shortly after, so probably in early September and Dmitri is arrested the same night, then Ivan comes back five days later, the trial takes place in early November the day after Pavel hangs himself, and Dmitri is sentenced five days before the story ends with Ilyusha's funeral. This timeline detail seriously drives me insane because all the other puzzle pieces I've been putting together for a while could be related to other disorders/conditions as well, such as schizophrenia (schizoaffective bipolar disorder is a thing too but I don't have it so I can't really say anything about it) and autism (autism and bipolar disorder have a lot in common), or even to just personality, but this? It's a little too oddly specific in my opinion, but I'll just keep assuming it's a coincidence for the sake of my own mental health.

Anyway, this means the story starts when a seasonal change is approaching, which is already a delicate time on its own, and Ivan has to put himself in an unpleasant situation that has a high chance of turning into a shitshow (and it does): going somewhere he wants to leave as soon as possible to discuss things he doesn't want to discuss surrounded by people he doesn't want to deal with. That's not a good start at all and it would be enough to put me, someone who has been medicated for seven years, on edge (and it has in the past); no wonder he's pissed off all the time. And it's only the start since, as we all know, the worst is yet to come. I love that the reader only gets bits and pieces of the build-up of Ivan's episode through the other characters' points of view and I particularly love how said build-up reaches its climax; it doesn't happen when Ivan hallucinates the devil (as it's mentioned he's seen him before and has also had other similar experiences in the past, I'll get into that later), but exactly a moment before that. But first, let's focus on the main build-up moments we see bits and pieces of before that. I was impressed by how realistically the whole thing was portrayed, especially considering that at the time almost everyting about this disorder was unknown; still to this day, in 2024, many people think bipolar disorder is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation, with the person being "normal" one day and waking up "crazy" the next like some sort of magic happening overnight, but that's straight up not true, it doesn't happen. Bipolar disorder is way more rational than one would think (very fitting for Ivan, isn't it?) and at times you do have an awful amount of self-awareness but can do nothing with it, it's kind of like being stuck in the passenger seat of a car with a broken steering wheel and broken breaks that's speeding straight against a wall; you know what's happening but can do nothing but watch and hope the crash won't be that painful. And that's how I felt reading too, every time I saw those bits and pieces of Ivan's story I thought oh no it's happening. And Ivan knows it's happening too, as we see in Book Eleven.

I've focused on The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion and The Grand Inquisitor already, but I have to mention them again because as I've already explained they're such a pivotal point; before that we don't really know what Ivan's deal is, but as soon as we get acquainted (sorry, I had to) with him we start to notice that something's definitely up, and there is one seemingly small detail that I just can't get out of my head: when Ivan gets up and starts walking after his talk with his brother, Aleksej points out to himself that he's swaying a little. Considering it's implied that Ivan has a problem with alcohol (it runs in the family after all) in other occasions too, that's probably an indicator that Ivan had been drinking during his stay. Not only is there a strong link between bipolar disorder and substance abuse (how could there not be? Shit's tough and sometimes you have to self medicate, especially in the 1800s), but alcohol and drugs can trigger episodes or make them worse; Ivan is also once again dealing with everything alone and trust me, that's recipe for disaster. And of course after that the aforementioned metaphorical car does nothing but gain speed and Ivan increasingly becomes angrier, restless and frantic: he has trouble sleeping, he starts isolating himself even more, he talks faster, his thoughts start racing, his speech pattern becomes more and more incoherent and he can't stay still as he's mentioned walking back and forth for seemingly no reason in different occasions; all textbook symptoms. He visibly looks sick too and bipolar episodes are known to take a toll on your physical appearance (I looked like a walking corpse for years) as well as having physical symptoms manifest along the psychological/psychiatric ones, such as headaches caused by stress, which Ivan frequently has, because stress is a major trigger for bipolar disorder (and Ivan is undeniably quite stressed). Sleep also plays a huge role when it comes to bipolar disorder as it can quite literally determine your faith: the the very first sign to watch out for if you feel something might be wrong is a change in sleeping habits; if they start changing significantly it means something's definitely up and you need to intervene as soon as possible (I have prevented episodes from either spiraling or happening at all like that but it takes years of practice). Ivan's sleep schedule, if we can even call it that, during his episode reminds me of my own during an insane (no pun intended?) mixed episode I've had and it makes sense since after every manic episode comes a "crash", and during mixed episodes you can crash back and forth for days; it happened to me. But what is a manic crash? It can be summed up with a simple phrase: what comes up must come down. It's like throwing a ball in the air, it reaches its peak up there and after that it's all downhill until it crashes down on the ground and the higher it goes, harder the crash: if you stay up all night while manic, you'll sleep all day while depressed, the more euphoric you are, the more dysphoric you'll be; so it makes sense for Ivan to sleep more and more as he "comes down". As for the fever, stress can do that. Brain fever is nothing but a 19th century literature thing because it's not a real diagnosis and at the time severe emotional and psychological upset was classified as either that or hysteria, which isn't a real diagnosis either.

Another puzzle piece that fits way too well is that little mention of him tidying his room himself despite having someone to do it for him; I know it's probably thrown in there to highlight his self-isolating independence, but cleaning and tidying are very common (to the point it's almost a clich��) activities to do when you're having a (hypo)manic or mixed episode because they help getting rid of all the extra energy and give you a sense of control over your life; for me it's almost compulsive (compulsions and obsessive thoughts are common in bipolar disorder because bipolar disorder is like three different conditions in a trenchcoat), I've found myself obsessively cleaning my bathroom every day for months and fighting the compulsion to do the dishes even when it wasn't necessary. It's mentioned that Ivan feels the increasing loss of control and is ashamed of it, which brings us to the very important topics, when it comes to him, of self-awareness and control.

I already mentioned it in part one but I want to say it again: control is crucial when it comes to bipolar disorder; something out of your control happening in your life or not having enough control over your symptoms and emotions is enough to send you down (or up) a dangerous path (sounds familiar?). It takes years of treatment to be able to deal with the unexpected and to let go of this control freak attitude, but Ivan is riding this rollercoaster with no seat belt so here we are. I think this reflects best in his attitude when visiting Pavel in the hospital after Dmitri's arrest, when Ivan says he came back from Moscow as soon as possible to fix the mess they all made in his absence. He's particularly keen on letting Pavel know he has no intention of playing games and it's clear he has a no bullshit allowed policy when it comes to his family, which checks out with what I went over in part three: Ivan's presence in the Karamazov household means quiet and order. Ivan definitely has a strong personality and to me it feels like that kind of strong personality one has to develop to stay afloat, and considering Ivan is not comfortable with showing "weakness"...well; I'll get to that later. I don't know if it's a middle child thing because I'm not a middle child but I'm the only diagnosed and medicated person in a family that feels more like an emotional minefield and let me tell you, I've been running that shit like it's the Navy for years and I'm pretty sure I'm the only case of a youngest son with eldest daughter syndrome in human history and yes, it's a bipolar thing. The need for control is so strong that it extends to your surroundings and therefore the people around you; I don't know how to explain it because it's not a manipulation thing, it's an I can't deal with my own emotions so having someone express theirs in an extreme way makes me uncomfortable and I also need a stable environment to not lose my mind so I need to de-escalate any situation that might trigger me thing; it's cleaning up after other people's mess for your own sake. And maybe a little savior complex, at least in my case. Anyway, if Ivan keeps his family stable he keeps himself stable as well, so he has to take matters into his own hands even when it's too late. Damage control is a very important skill if you have bipolar disorder.

I've already been over Ivan's visceral anger so I won't go over it again, but I want to spend a few words for that one part where he punches Pavel: been there done that, and normally I'm not even a violent person. It was a pretty similar situation too: someone had been tormenting me for months while I already wasn't doing good at all, took it too far one day and I just snapped; I didn't even mean to hit that person but it's not something you can gain control over when it gets to that point, so I get where Ivan was coming from and I'll defend him until the day I die.

Since I'm going in chronological order, as you might have already noticed, this means I've finally reached the fun part. Brace yourselves, this is going to be long. I don't have much to say about the whole devil ordeal that hasn't already been said, after all it's the most blatant manifestation of Ivan's mental health status, and I think it's more important to focus on what's around the hallucination rather than the hallucination itself. The first and most important thing I noticed is that Ivan is not scared, and it makes sense for him to not be because the narrator says that situation feels familiar to Ivan, making this the second time it's mentioned by the narrator that Ivan has a past history of both depressive and dysphoric manic (usually referred to as mixed) episodes, which alone qualifies for a formal bipolar disorder diagnosis; now that I think about it I could have just said this instead of making four posts about it, but where's the fun in that? Also I don't have enough information to armchair diagnose this 19th century fictional character with a specific type of bipolar disorder, so I laid out all the relevant information for you to interpet it however you want, if you're familiar with this stuff. I think he could be either bipolar I or bipolar II as there aren't many differences between those two types. For reference, I'm bipolar II (electric boogalo), which is usually mainly depressive and has less intense "ups" (mania when it's bipolar I and hypomania when it's bipolar II, but mania and manic are often used as umbrella terms and I've used them as such in this). Ivan's episode seems more mixed (having both manic and depressive symptoms at the same time, I should've explained it earlier, sorry) than purely manic and mixed episodes are more likely to happen in bipolar II and/or to those who start having symptoms in adolescence regardless of type and I think that checks out (go to part two for that). However, hallucinating a whole person and having conversations with them is a pretty big deal and my own hallucinations are nothing like that, usually hearing noises such as knocks on my door or seeing shadows or bugs at the corner of my eye and things looking slightly off and changing in shape and size; nothing big that I can interact with and I can easily ignore that the rare times it happens. Wikipedia says that any kind of hallucination classifies as mania, but my psychiatrists obviously know I've hallucinated in the past and still haven't changed my diagnosis so don't trust Wikipedia I guess, probably because my hypomanic episodes have never significantly impaired my ability to function (like they haven't significantly impaired Ivan's; trust me, he could be doing much worse). There is a lot of nuance that Internet articles lack in my opinion.

Anyway, let's go back to focusing on how Ivan feels: he's not scared, but he is exhausted and desperate. And it's heartbreaking. Not the hardest part of The Brothers Karamazov for me to read, not at all actually, but way too familiar. Ivan, who has a strong personality and a no bullshit allowed policy, who usually speaks in a firm voice and who refused to get help even if he knew his mental state was getting worse, breaks down (in private, of course) and begs and pleads; please leave me alone, shut up. He goes back and forth between desperation and rage (very mixed episode of him) and what struck me the most is how harsh his words are: almost every time the devil says something, Ivan replies with an insult or even more in a row. Yes, it's not that atypical of him considering how he talks and refers to Pavel or Dmitri, but it's, again, heartbreaking because he's never acted like that with them (or even with his father) and he knows the devil is actually himself. He's reserving his worst words, his worst attitude, his most burning and consuming rage and hatred, for himself. And he knows that. Worst thing of all to me is that at some point he covers his ears to not hear the devil, his own thoughts, and I've done that. Sometimes those thoughts are so loud that they seem to come from an outside source and covering your ears comes naturally. It obviously doesn't work. I have many other thoughts about Ivan's devil but they don't have much to do with bipolar disorder so maybe I'll write another post in the future if I feel like it. Also honorable mention to the thrown glass because apparently I've done something similar once even if I genuinely don't remember it at all (bipolar disorder also causes memory loss so you barely rememeber your episodes, it's kind of like trying to recall the events of a party you got drunk at, we're not getting into that though).

Maybe I see Ivan's story and character as less dark and tragic than the average reader does, because to most people constantly walking up and down restless with racing, out of control, incoherent thoughts and experiencing delusions and hallucinations is understandably a terrifying experience, but for me up until a couple years ago that was just a random Tuesday. I mean it is terrifying but you get used to it, after a while you understand the twisted logic bipolar disorder operates under and it becomes less scary (still is at times) and more annoying, you try to keep up with your meds and manage your symptoms as best as you can and just go on with your life while still trying to fight it when/if you can (it's less depressing than how I'm describing it I swear, I really don't know how to convey that feeling). I don't see myself as a walking tragedy or as doomed (anymore), mental illness is just mundane to me and so is to Ivan; I think Dostoevsky did a marvelous job at portraying just how uneventful it can feel from the inside and we see it the contrast between what's happening to Ivan and his reaction to it and also between the other characters' perception of him and his own perception of himself. There is nothing other than concern coming from his loved ones, no judgment, they acknowledge that he's unwell and they usually refer to him as such; Ivan on the other hand refuses to and therefore refuses to take care of himself or, God forbid, let others take care of him. He knew an episode was approaching, but as long as he was physically okay his mental state didn't matter to him. Ivan's biggest flaw is that he's independent and self-absorbed (for lack of a better word) in an unhealthy, negative, bipolar way and it only fuels his anger: the only valid judgment and opinion of himself is his own and he doesn't have a positive view of himself. The devil tells him the people at the trial will pity him and Ivan snaps; he doesn't want to be pitied, he doesn't want to be seen as "weak" because he has internalized refusal for "weakness" and "cowardice" (he asks himself if he's a coward in different occasions, sometimes straight up calling himself that). How could he not have internalized it? He was neglected growing up and as an adult he always seems to be held at an impossible standard due to the way his personality was forced to develop, from being expected to keep the peace between the Karamazovs to even after his father is brutally murdered; at the trial Ippolit Kirillovič says that if Ivan was so sure of his brother's innocence, why didn't go to the police after Smerdyakov's confession? To them that must mean said confession never happened and that Dmitri is the murderer, but in reality Ivan (poor thing) didn't go because he was delusional and thought the two of them were going to confess together the following day. People expect him to be able to think straight and fix his family's mess even when he can't. And still, he doesn't break down even at the trial: he's firm even in his delirium, he never falters, his voice never breaks, he's determined and strong like he's expected to be, even if the others can't see it. He does the right thing for himself, not caring about anyone else's opinion, and in a sense he's some sort of modern Cassandra, cursed to tell the truth without being believed by those who can save his family (and in some versions of Cassandra's myth she goes mad due to witnessing the fall of Troy). He never cries; there's only one mention of him crying in the whole novel and contrary to other characters crying, it's not something we are told by the narrator himself but it's thrown in a conversation between Katya and Alyosha by Katya. Ivan only cried in private, in front of the person who insisted to take care of him. This talk about his relationship with "weakness" and the (partial) act he puts up definitely makes more sense in relation to part three and I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

Speaking of the trial, I was struck by the attention brought to the Karamazovs', as a whole, ability to see and navigate through two opposite abysses. Dostoevsky, what the hell? Does it mean what I think it means? I don't know, but it sure is a familiar image to me and Dmitri does seem to walk the fine line between regular human behaviour and diagnostic criteria, but I don't have many thoughts about that, it could be anything really, mostly because none of them are actual real people. My own interpretation of those characters is more "literal" even if I know they're just tools to convey certain topics and messages and if you want to get more symbolic with them please do, I'd love to read it. Honestly I like the idea of a character with a heavily emotion-driven arc such as Ivan having a disorder that fucks with one's emotions so much; also seeing someone behaving like me being treated with tact and a particular kind of sensitivity by the other characters and the author himself is so special to me (at least considering the historical context, I mean they could've just thrown him in a madhouse and called it a day but nobody even thought about doing that) because uhm...I didn't receive such kindness growing up.

There are many characters from other books, movies, and shows that I love and relate to but have never seen as bipolar coded in any way, they were just relatable, but Ivan hits different as he's the first character I've seen that is so unapologetically bipolar. I've watched shows and movies with characters that canonically have bipolar disorder and even they can't hold a candle to him (let bipolar people or at least people who are familiar with them write bipolar characters I'm begging you). There isn't a single character from The Brothers Karamazov that I hate or even dislike (yes, not even Fyodor, he's not a good person but he's a good character) and all the brothers are special to me, but I just can't help having this soft spot for Ivan, I want to give him a hug and my meds.

I'm not really going to talk about Ivan's ending because while I do obviously have things to say, they don't belong here. I just want to say that him having an open and uncertain ending (I love open and uncertain endings) even more than the other characters do is very fitting.

And that's a wrap! Thanks for sticking with me and I hope this was an interesting and maybe even educational (there's a lot of ignorance regarding bipolar disorder and I try to raise awareness every time I can) read, but most of all I hope I managed to make sense. I like this part more than part three because I wrote it after surviving the seasonal change while during part three I was in the trenches but oh well, the past is past. No notes on part one and two, those are good I guess. Also I've said variations of been there done that a ridiculous amount of times in this whole thing but my Twitter display name is Ivan Karamazov kinnie for a reason. And I won't apologize for the shitty jokes by the way.

See you soon* with other literary analysis!

*= don't rely on my words too much, it could be tomorrow like it could be in ten years

#I hope it's clear I'm not trying to downplay or dismiss bipolar disorder as not a big deal or anything #I can't stress enough of much of a big deal it actually is #it's just that after a while you have to come to terms with the fact that it's your life and it'll be like this forever #there's not much you can do about it y'know #it's hard to accept but again it's not like you have other options #anyway it's very funny how I started this thing citing the specific chapters I was referring to and gradually went more and more “fuck it”#and only mentioned in which books the things I'm talking about happen or straight up mentioned absolutely nothing just vibes #this stuff is all in the book tho I swear #the brothers karamazov #ivan karamazov #bipolar ivan karamazov agenda #thoughts #mine

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transmascwillbyers · 2 years ago

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Honestly, my biggest question for season 5 isn't even "is Mike queer?" anymore, it's "will byler be canon?" Because the thing is, no matter what happens in s5, Mike is queer. I don't care whether it's explicitly canon or not, there's been so much subtext across all four seasons that you cannot convince me he was not intentionally written to be a queer character. Otherwise, what was the reason for the airport hug? The blatant lies in his love confession to El? That one time when his girlfriend kissed him and he did not move and his eyes stayed open, all in front of an open closet?

Of course, he could just be straight and badly written, but I just can't believe that's a possibility at all at this point. The show has flaws, sure, but the writers are still smart. They get, y'know, paid to do their jobs. They've studied stuff like this for years of their lives. There's no way in hell that an entire team of trained professionals are going to screw up so badly, they make their lead character's arc entirely incomprehensible and ruin his character for no apparent reason. It just makes no fucking sense, and I stand by that.

So, sure, there's maybe like a 0.2% chance that milkvan is really going to be endgame in s5. But if it is- and let me be clear- I don't care. Mike has still been written to be obviously queer, imo, and if milkvan is endgame, well, that doesn't change that. He's still at least bi, because anything else literally does not make sense in the actual context of the show. Even if the writers have to come out and publicly clarify that Mike is straight, then yeah, we'd be wrong, but we wouldn't be crazy at all. Because if the writers of one of the most popular shows in the world right now have to explicitly state, "oops, our lead character isn't gay folks, we just wrote all these extremely platonic heterosexual scenes between two dudebros for giggles," someone has screwed up. And it isn't us.

So, sure. There is a very, very tiny chance that milkvan endgame will happen in s5. That being said, I also don't care anymore if that happens, because Mike is still an undeniably queer character to me. And it would be a sad outcome of his arc, and I'd hope that he and Will would eventually enter a relationship post-s5, but Mike ending up with El doesn't make him straight, it makes him a repressed queer kid from the 80s dealing with internalized homophobia. Because, stacked up against all our evidence, what seems more important? Who Mike is dating at the end of the series, or four, soon to be five, seasons worth of absolutely relentless queercoding?

In conclusion, I honestly don't care as much about what happens in s5 as I used to, because, when you look objectively at Mike's character, you'll realize we don't need an explicitly queer conclusion to his arc to validate our thoughts. There's no way that all of the coding surrounding him is accidental, and if is was, then somebody done goofed, and Stranger Things would be a show that isn't worth our time anyways. I know what Mike Wheeler is, and literally nothing can change my mind after two years in this fandom. Not one fucking thing.

#byler #mike wheeler #this probably sounds really arrogant but you know what? we deserve it atp #anyways byler endgame #mike wheeler i know what you are

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kitkatwinchester · 1 year ago

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BRUH

Okay I f*cking LOVE this episode, dude.

First of all, as messed up as everything Araya did was, I kind of don't hate her, because it was exactly what she said--a test. And Scott passed with flying colors. And it sucked, and I hated that she put our teens through that, but she knew what she was doing, and it worked, and it got us answers.

Plus, it gave me the chance to just continue to appreciate how protective they all are of each other, and how loyal they are, and how they just have each other's backs no matter what.

Like, everything between Kira, Scott, and Lydia was so good. I obviously love Malira (apparently lol), but I also still love Scira, and the absolute guilt in Kira's eyes, but the continued encouragement and support from Scott, and the way he just kept locking eyes with her and telling her that it was okay, because he could handle it, all while Lydia just kept looking at him worriedly, but knew he was right--so many emotions, but so well done and so well shot.

Meanwhile, Stiles and Malia were downstairs, and Malia was doing everything she could to focus on the conversation, so Stiles got down close to her and did such a good job of turning his own panic and worry into something encouraging for her (random aside to acknowledge the fun little energy of the earlier scene with the four of them when Stiles had to remind Malia that we don't leave friends behind--"Believe it or not, that's progress." XD XD). And then the fact that kissing him is what got her to concentrate, so then she was able to focus on the conversation, and fill Stiles in, and now they're all on the same page when they finally do get out. Like, Stydia is still my OTP, but I am kind of digging the energy between Stiles and Malia, not gonna lie. That said, I also don't see it lasting, and I don't really want it to, but I'll allow it for the moment lol.

AND THEN! The "reveal" (I'm putting that in quotes because it's not a reveal for us, but it is for the pack lol) was SO well shot and SO well done and just everything about it was so good, and honestly? I kind of like Araya. Like, her methods are extreme and unorthodox, but she clearly follows the code, and I respect her for that. She's letting our heroes go so that they can hunt down the people she considers significantly more immoral than our pack (because KATE certainly is for crying out loud), and she's letting Scott go because she can see that he really did earn that Alpha status completely on his merit alone, and I appreciate that.

Anyways. Braeden's taking us to maybe hopefully Kate (as an aside, I freaking LOVE that X Ambassadors song that came with Braeden's entrance and that was extremely well used), and this is either gonna go really well, or really poorly, but our pack is together, and everyone's more or less okay, and I will take it!!

Man this is a really good episode. I'm so glad I finally started Season 4.

(I don't think this is from this episode but it is a gif of all five of them and that's what I wanted so...yay McCall pack! <3)

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swordbreakerz · 1 year ago

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Day 15: time is long

I wrote a love letter about my weird timeline listening to friends at the table that is very rambly and doesn't have much of a point and is a little personal and I'm putting it under a readmore because I'm shy and going to throw my phone into the ocean after this posts

This July marks a full year since I got back into friends at the table. I watched the NNAF stream live, the first day at work since it was my last day (what were they gonna do, fire me?), and the second day at home, half dozing through the first three hours because I wasn't used to being up at 9am on a Monday. The Marielda one shot and stretch reward of a Hieron epilogue finally piqued my interest in that campaign, and I started Autumn in Hieron the next day.

It had been probably a year and a half since I'd listened to any day at that point, back in October 2020 (the 23rd, to be exact, according to my discord DMs) a friend of mine got me interested and I started listening to COUNTER/weight. I blew through it in a couple weeks, finishing it on November 17th, and it has the high honor of being one of the only pieces of media to make me cry after finishing it before I was medicated. I jumped straight into Twilight Mirage, but only made it about halfway before I quit the job I'd been working, and fell off of it, because I'd been using my 8hr shifts to burn through episodes. Despite quitting my job Again just as I was getting back on though, last year it stuck and I caught up with the entire backlog of podcast, including Bluff City, in maybe… four or five months if I remember right? It truly caught me by the throat.

Now, I'm fully caught up and staying on top of weekly releases better, being employed helps so I have a dedicated task to do while listening. It's become a regular fixture of my life and I've been thinking about voices defining a time in your life, and how summer 2022 will forever be my summer of friends at the table. The friends were my constant companion, I listened to the least amount of music that year than I maybe ever have, my spotify wrapped minutes on music were dwarfed by the nearly ~700 hours of podcast (spotify is easier to binge with at work, and I like stats).

This podcast reignited my creativity and drive after an art slump and brought me closer with one of my cherished friends, it taught me things about storytelling and political theory, it forced me to process old grief while sobbing for two hours straight after finishing Marielda. I could probably keep going, but being vulnerable makes me want to dig a very deep hole and lie in it forever, and honestly if any of the cast does see this I think I might die if I put anything too personal in it.

I'm not sure where the point I was leading to went. This podcast is like a reliable clock (hah) to me. It's my Friday work treat when seasons are live, Animal Out of Context can lull me to sleep in less than 30 minutes, Orbital made me laugh so hard I nearly cried in front of my coworker. Having something become such a north star in your life, especially something close to the ground like this, is fun and weird and scary all at the same time. I went from barely paying attention to ttrpg news to The PBTA Guy in my friendgroup in a matter of months. I still cry if I think about The Chime or Hella or Maelgwyn or Fero or Lem too hard. I'm getting a tattoo based on C/W at some point for gods sake.

Anyway. It's amazing how time and passion can worm it's way into your heart. Keep telling stories, keep loving eachother, I'm going to go dig a deep hole now, mwah

#15daysoffatt #15 days of fatt #fatt #f@tt #friends at the table #and z speaks #almost didnt tag this bc talking about my feelings gives me hives but i love it here a lot so. u all can see it a little i guess

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yolacricket · 7 months ago

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timeandspacelord · 2 years ago

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I'm being so fucking normal about Miraculous s5, like, the most normal you've ever seen, definitely did not scream myself hoarse over it, definitely haven't been watching one specific scene on repeat for hours, definitely totally super 100% the most normal content-enjoyer

#miraculous #miraculous ladybug #I don't give a FUCK about the bad writing and the weird animation and the two seasons of filler right now #like honestly seasons four and five are all that matter to me right now #especially season five #especially the latest four episodes #I am fed I am living I am Totally Fucking Fine #(vae was not normal nor was e fine. ve was losing his ever-loving mind over this goddamn show)

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ambrossart · 2 years ago

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DANCING WITH MYSELF

— PART SIX

summary: eddie crashes senior prom hoping to steal a dance with his dream girl, chrissy cunningham. instead, he spends the night stuck in the women’s restroom with you—her snarky, insecure best friend. ❖ pairing: eddie munson x fem!reader ❖ word count: 3,511 ❖ genre: fluff with some angst ❖ series status: complete ❖ warnings: no season 4 spoilers, some coarse language, body image issues, allusions to eating disorders, typical teenage insecurities, angst, jealousy, anxiety, secret crushes, childhood memories, happy ending, lots of 80s music one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten

You shoveled chocolate cake into your mouth while George Michael crooned “Careless Whisper” into the cold, dark depths of your soul: “I’m never gonna dance again… Guilty feet have got no rhythm…”

You sang along with your mouth full, crumbs spewing from your lips, stopping only to take another bite, another swig of punch. You were drunk on your own misery because nobody had bothered to spike the punch bowl. Yeah, apparently you were attending the one dry prom in the entire country, but that was A-okay because this smooth, melancholy sax was sending you swirling into despair and nothing mattered anymore.

You finished one plate of cake, licked your fork clean, then reached for another. That’s how Chrissy found you, three slices deep in chocolate cake, with frosting smeared all over your face. She came up to you like a mother approaching her paint-splattered toddler and said, “What are you doing?”

“Oh, you know, just eating my feelings…”

“Yeah, I can see that.” She surveyed the damage with a frown. “Where’d you get all the cake?”

“I stole it off that table over there.” You gestured with your hand. “Not my proudest moment… and yet, somehow, not my lowest tonight, either.” You sliced through the stolen cake with your fork, another huge chunk, and—down the hatch!—stuffed it all into your mouth.

Chrissy sucked in a breath through her teeth, grimacing as she watched you. “Oh boy,” she said, and sat down beside you. “Okay, sweetie, tell me what happened.”

“I took your advice. I tried to talk to Eddie, I tried to be nice, and I went down hard in a giant blaze of glory. Like, it was cataclysmic, Chris. You should have seen it. We’re talking ‘Mount Vesuvius erupting’ bad, ‘meteor killing all the dinosaurs’ bad. Like, I just single-handedly wiped out an entire civilization in a matter of seconds. Total carnage. No survivors. He yelled at me, Chris. He actually yelled at me, and you know, I always thought I’d be turned on by him yelling, but I wasn’t. Honestly, I’m kinda traumatized by the whole thing, and… uhh, yeah… now I’m sitting here eating cake with my good friend George Michael. He has a lovely voice, don’t you think?”

You went back for more cake, and Chrissy snatched the fork out of your hand. “Okay, that’s enough sugar for you.”

You snorted. “Don’t worry, I’ll just throw it up later.”

Chrissy winced.

“Oh—” You slapped your hand over your mouth and sank into your chair, a shameful blush engulfing your face. “Oh my god, Chris, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just… you know, all the lactose, it’s gonna make me sick later, that’s all I meant. I swear, I wasn’t trying to…”

Chrissy’s smile was warm and forgiving. “I know. It’s okay.” She scooted closer to you, then handed you a napkin and told you to wipe your face. While you were doing that, she said, “All right, just out of curiosity… when you were talking to Eddie, were you talking to him like you and I talk? Or were you just making a lot of jokes at his expense?”

“That’s not fair, Chris. I’ve known you my whole life.”

“Just answer the question.”

You puffed up your cheeks and blew out. “Fine, I was making jokes, but they weren’t mean or anything. I just…” You hung your head. “I don’t know how to talk to him, Chris. It’s like, he looks at me and my heart starts beating really fast and I just go into panic mode, and I start hurling insults like hand grenades. It’s like World War II in my head, and I’m deep in the trenches. And I know I’m messing it up. I can hear myself messing it up. All the warning bells are going off: Abort mission! Abort mission! But I can’t stop myself! I insult his clothes and his music, and I sacrifice him to demons.”

Chrissy said, “Wait, what? Demons?”

“Yeah… I kinda sacrificed him to a demon back in middle school—well, his character, not him. This didn’t happen in real life or anything. It was in a game: Dungeons & Dragons. I dunno if you’ve heard of it, but… it’s surprisingly fun. You get to make your own character and everything.”

“And sacrifice people to demons, apparently.”

“Yeah—well, no, you aren’t really supposed to do that. I kinda went rogue and ruined the whole game.”

“That sounds more accurate.” Chrissy giggled into her hand, then tipped her head at you and smiled. “Oh… what am I gonna do with you?”

“Trade me in for a newer model?”

Chrissy shook her head. “Nah… I’ve grown kinda attached to you.” She took your napkin and carefully dabbed some frosting off your chin. Then she put her hands on your knees and said in a calm, reassuring voice, “Listen to me: it’s just Eddie. You’re not exactly talking to Steve Perry here.”

“Well, at this point I think I’d have a better shot with Steve Perry.”

“Yeah… he’s a famous rock star, so somehow I doubt that.”

“Well, you don’t know how charming I can be.” You pressed your hand to your chest and fluttered your lashes.

Chrissy laughed at you. “Actually, I know exactly how charming you can be, which is why it breaks my heart to see you like this. Seriously, what are you so afraid of? Him not liking you back?”

“Oh, he definitely doesn’t like me back. Yeah, I’d say him yelling in my face kinda solidified that.”

Chrissy said, “Well, then you have nothing to lose, right?” And you went quiet. “Just talk to him. Don’t overthink it. Don’t make jokes. And please, for the love of God, don’t insult the guy. Just walk up to him and be honest. Say, ‘Eddie, I’m an idiot—I’m an adorable idiot, but an idiot. I’ve been in love with you for six years, but I never knew how to express my feelings. I’d very much like to marry you and have your babies’—Ha!” She absorbed your half-hearted slap, giggling as she did.

“Just talk to him,” she said. “I promise you’ll feel better once you do.”

“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say. You confess to a guy and he’s basically winning the lottery. I do it and it’s like, Sorry, son, there’s been a death in the family.”

“Oh, that’s not true, and you know it. You’re the lottery, too.”

“Yeah, maybe the penny scratcher…”

Chrissy shook her head. “Now you’re just being silly.”

But you weren’t. You weren’t joking at all.

Silence fell over the table as the music seamlessly transitioned to The Dream Academy’s folksy cover of “Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want” by The Smiths. Another slow, painfully depressing song, but this one was even worse because it carried this pathetic sense of yearning that stabbed and twisted into your heart like a dagger.

You braced yourself for another three minutes of torture when, out of nowhere, a phantom voice said, “Wanna dance?”

You looked to your left and felt your stomach flip. It was Jason Carver, standing beside you with an outstretched hand, looking like a damn Ken doll in his prom tux. (You had made that joke more than once. Chrissy always hated it: “I swear to God, if you call me Barbie, I’ll kill you.”)

You flinched away from him, blushing. “Oh, no thanks, I don’t really—”

“Come on, it’s our last prom. You gotta do at least one slow dance.” Jason’s smile was confident and irresistibly charming.

You stared at his hand for a minute, your stomach twisting into all kinds of knots; then you glared at Chrissy. “You put him up to this, didn’t you?”

She put up her hands and backed away from the table. “Hey, don’t look at me…”

And before you could further protest, Jason took your hand and effortlessly lifted you out of your chair, making your knees buckle as soon as you put weight on them. The anxiety was hitting you like a train now and dragging your body over the tracks. What if you stepped on his foot? What if you scuffed up his shoes? They looked like some really expensive shoes. Could you actually afford to replace them? What if your breath smelled terrible? What if you had chocolate cake in your teeth? (Oh my god, you definitely had chocolate cake in your teeth!) You two were going to be standing face to face, practically nose to nose. He was going to see everything. The peach fuzz on your face. The huge pores on your nose. What if Jason saw all these glaring imperfections and thought, Wow, she’s somehow even uglier up close?

Well, then you would simply die.

Panicking, you pulled your hand out of his grasp. “Wait, Jason, I…”

Jason chased your hand, caught it, and gave it a comforting squeeze. “Hey, come on. Just relax, okay? I promise I won’t step on your feet.”

“Yeah, but I…” You saw your reflection in his dazzling blue-grey eyes and suddenly lost your will to resist.

The next two minutes felt like two hours.

Here you were, slow dancing with Jason Carver in the middle of the dance floor. His hands were around your waist, holding you close like you were his real date and not just some last-minute tagalong. Your arms were draped around his neck, stiff and awkward at first, but gradually loosening as you swayed to the music. It was surreal, being this close to him: feeling his heart beating against yours, feeling the heat of his breath on your face whenever he spoke, whenever he laughed at one of your jokes.

Ten-year-old you would have been so happy right now. She would have floated home on a cloud, spent the rest of the night daydreaming about Jason Carver and gushing about him in her diary. Savor that sweet naivety, kid, because in a few years it’ll all be gone. You couldn’t remember the last time you let yourself daydream, get so caught up in your fantasies that you had to pinch your arm just to bring yourself back to reality. You tried, but you could never seem to get your feet off the ground. They were just so heavy.

Then after a while, you just stopped trying.

“You know, I used to be really jealous of you,” Jason said after a while.

“What?” you said. “Why?”

Jason looked at you like you were insane, like it was so painfully obvious. “You’re Chrissy’s favorite person in the world, and you always will be. Whenever something good happens, you’re her first phone call. When she’s upset, she goes running to you for comfort. And that just kills me because I wanna be that person for her too, and I’m scared I never will be.”

You frowned. “Yeah, we kinda have a weird codependency thing going on. It’s probably really unhealthy, actually…”

Jason laughed. “It’s not, it’s great, and I’m so glad she has you. Honestly, I am.” His smile was so sincere and sad, it broke your heart a little. “Look, Chrissy is amazing, easily the best thing that ever happened to me, but I know she only shows me the good side of her. The happy side. She smiles for me and cries for you. She doesn’t trust me enough to show me her ugly side, and I don’t know how to change that. I’m scared to bring it up because I don’t wanna push her away, but I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Jason, trust me, you’re already doing exactly what you’re supposed to do.” When you said this, you felt your chest tighten unexpectedly. “Maybe I just need to step back a little, give you two some space.”

“What? No, that’s not what I—”

You shook your head, tears welling in your eyes. “Jason, it’s fine, really. Honestly, I think that’ll be the best thing for both of us. I mean, we can’t lean on each other forever, right?”

You laid your chin on his shoulder and stared across the dance floor to where your best friend was sitting with a huge smile.

Of course Chrissy wasn’t jealous watching you dance with her boyfriend. No, that hideous emotion was reserved just for you. You were the one who was never satisfied with what you had. You were the one constantly comparing yourself to everyone else. Judging yourself. Weighing yourself. Hating yourself.

Here you were, slow dancing with Jason Carver, being the envy of every girl at prom, and all you could think about was how badly you wanted to switch places with Chrissy Cunningham, to be sitting right where she was.

Because that’s where he was going.

As you watched Eddie approach Chrissy, as you watched them talk, Jason started singing under his breath: “Please, please, please… Let me get what I want… Lord knows it will be the first time…” and you buried your face in his shoulder and squeezed your eyes shut real tight.

Chrissy stared at Eddie Munson with knitted brows. “You’re asking me to dance? Why?”

“Uhh… because I want to? I don’t really know how else to answer that.” Eddie scratched the back of his neck, feeling both nervous and bashful as he stood before her in his suit jacket and ripped jeans. “Umm, look, you don’t have to say yes or anything. Seriously, just say the word and I’ll get outta your way and leave you alone. I just thought, y’know, since it’s the last prom and all…”

Chrissy cut him off. “Yeah, but why? I never even talk to you, so why would you wanna dance with me?”

“Well, I uhh…” Eddie cleared his throat a few times, then let out a nervous chuckle. “Wow, you’re really putting me on the spot here, aren’t you? Umm, okay, well… that’s a little difficult to answer, and I’m probably gonna shoot myself in the foot for saying this, but… Wait, are you okay?”

Chrissy was staring off towards the dance floor, where her boyfriend was dancing with her best friend, and as she did, her whole expression just kind of wilted into this guilty, miserable look that cut Eddie to his core.

“Oh shit,” he said to himself. “Hey, look, I’m not trying to get in the way of anything here. I know you have a boyfriend and that’s totally cool. I just…”

Now Chrissy had her hands cupped over her mouth, appearing on the verge of tears.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, to seemingly no one at all. Then she looked up at Eddie, her blue eyes sparkling like two gorgeous sapphires, and she said the words he had been dreading most of all. “I’m really sorry, but I can’t dance with you tonight.”

She pushed past him and walked away, leaving Eddie gutted and standing alone with his heart in his hand.

“Okay,” he said after the initial shock had worn off, “that was fucking brutal.”

When you finally opened your eyes, you were facing the opposite side of the room and staring at a wall of familiar faces. But one in particular caught your eye. It stole the breath from your lips and made your face go white with shock… as if you were seeing a ghost.

Your legs felt heavy as you broke away from Jason and stormed across the dance floor. Once you got close enough, you opened your mouth to yell, but all that came out was a hoarse whisper.

“I thought you had food poisoning!” You hissed the words like they were a curse, like you were trying to banish his spirit back to the grave.

Chance Gallagher turned toward you with a cup of punch in his hand and a pretty girl at his side. “Oh shit,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean, what am I doing here? What are you doing here? I thought you were sick.”

“Yeah, well, I uhh…”

“You got better, huh?” There was a lump in your throat as you watched Chance fidget with his tie, loosening it so he could breathe more easily. The color of it matched your dress perfectly, but it also matched the dress of his pretty new date, along with the corsage that dangled from her wrist. It was your favorite flower. You figured it was hers, too.

You rubbed your brow furiously, struggling to fully grasp the situation. “Okay, I think I’m a little outta the loop here… If you didn’t actually wanna go to prom with me, why did you even ask me in the first place?”

Chance’s shoulders went up and down uncaringly. “Because Jason asked me to.”

His words hit you like a sucker punch to the jaw. You staggered back and shook your head. “What? Jason asked you to…?”

Of course, you thought. Of course, Jason put him up to it. Why else would someone like Chance Gallagher ask you to prom? Chance was popular, Chance was on the basketball team, and who the hell were you but Chrissy Cunningham’s bitchy best friend? You knew he wasn’t actually interested in you. Hey, you? The guy didn’t even know your name! That little voice in your head tried to warn you—it was practically screaming at you!—but you didn’t listen to it. No, you let yourself wish and dream and get swept up in all the grandeur of prom, but it was all bullshit. Fake, plastic, bullshit. And you shouldn’t have come in the first place.

You ran into Jason and Chrissy on your way out. As soon as you saw Jason, you pointed your finger in his face and screamed at the top of your lungs, “YOU SELFISH SONOFABITCH! YOU TRIED TO PAWN ME OFF TO YOUR FRIEND!”

Chrissy’s face scrunched up with confusion. “What? Jason, what is she talking about?”

Jason opened his mouth and closed it again. His stormy blue eyes were writhing with guilt.

“He forced Chance to ask me to prom, Chris. He made him do it. What, did you have to pay him? How much was I worth, Jason? Twenty bucks? Thirty? Did you get a good deal out of it, at least?”

Jason exploded: “Oh, come on, of course I didn’t pay him! I would never insult you like that!”

“Right, you would just force me onto your friends like some chore!”

Jason shook his head furiously. “No, that’s not what it was! I swear to God it wasn’t. Look, all I did was ask Chance to do me a favor, that’s all. I didn’t know he was gonna flake on you like that. If I’d known, I never would’ve asked him to do it in the first place.” He ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at the dirty blond roots. “I just wanted everyone to have a good time. That’s all I was trying to do.”

“I don’t believe you,” you said as a tear escaped your eye and rolled down your cheek. “No, you wanna know what I think, Jason? I think you wanted to have a good time, and I was in your way. Well, don’t worry, Jason, I’m getting out of your way now, so you go ahead and enjoy your perfect little prom, okay? I’m done.”

You turned to leave and Chrissy was at your elbow, crying and begging you to stay.

You said to her, “No, please, I don’t wanna be the one that ruins your night, and I really don’t wanna cry anymore. And I know if I’m around you, I’m gonna completely fall apart and… I just need some time by myself, okay? I’ll be fine, I will, I just… I really need to get outta here.”

You tore away from her and saw dozens of eyes bearing down on you. Preps. Jocks. Nerds. Cheerleaders. Sally, Sarah, and Stacy, standing there looking so damn pleased by your misfortune. Like this was just perfect, wasn’t it? Like it was exactly what you deserved.

You squirmed away from their eyes, all of their eyes, and ran up the stairs and out the door.

Now here you were, sitting on the dirty floor of the women’s restroom and crying in your prom dress while “Endless Love” sent you spiraling right back to middle school. All you needed was a bucket of pigs’ blood dropped on you and your night was complete.

You ripped off your corsage and whipped it at the garbage can. Then you slumped down, knocked your head against the wall, wiped some of the mascara off your cheeks, and thought, God, this night can’t possibly get any…

The door burst open and

“Oh shit!”

Eddie Munson came stumbling into the bathroom like a drunken idiot after a bar fight. He spun around, catching himself on the wall, and then pushed his back against the door.

His brown eyes bulged as they locked with yours.

“Uhh… hi. How’s your night going?”

_____________________

PREV // CURRENT // NEXT

#eddie munson #stranger things #fanfic #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x fem!reader #eddie munson x you #chrissy cunningham #jason carver #chrissy x jason #eddie x chrissy #stranger things 4 #st4 #ambrossart #dancing with myself #dwm #eddie munson imagine #fanfiction

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wonwoonlight · 2 years ago

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something sweet / lee seokmin

➝ Reader x Seokmin (?) // feat. a lot of other idols

➝ coffee shop!au // slice of life // fluff // nonidol!au // someone's got a crush heh

➝ word count: 2.1k

➝ haven cloud masterlist (can be read as standalone)

➝ What’s playing in Haven Cloud

➝ A/N: aand we're finally back with another chapter of Haven Cloud <3 i genuinely thought i'd have more time to write now that i'm not working anymore but alas sdhfds as always, please enjoy this andd do tell me what you think if you do. thank you!

Ryujin is sick.

And you really don’t blame her nor are you annoyed because it is flu season. But the timing couldn’t be worse because there’s a buy drink get dessert event going on in the cafe and there’s definitely an influx of customers because of it. You’re pretty sure Haven Cloud would double the number of its regulars soon.

It was day one yesterday and you’re already beyond exhausted. Apparently, it doesn’t really matter even though you’ve recruited Soonyoung and Wendy as temporary part timers during the three days event, because it honestly still feels like you’re understaffed. So, really, having your regular part timer getting sick during this time is honestly the last thing you’d wish yourself upon. It’s Saturday, for God’s sake.

Fortunately, she already has a replacement.

Unfortunately, Seokmin is bad at memorizing beverages.

But you really can’t tell him to only do the dishes or main the cashier because you don’t have enough dishes for him to do all day and he doesn’t have any experience maining the cashier. You’re not insane enough for that.

So you settle for him to cater for desserts and serve the customers at first, and tell him he’ll be helping with the dishes later. He just needs to take the dessert, warm them if the customer asks for it, and then serve them to the tables. Piece of cake (aha!) (as long as he’s not clumsy, that is).

“You… are familiar with our desserts, right?” you ask the tall guy in front of you. He looks very sweet, to put it simply, the kinda person whose heart and intention you will not doubt at all. You think he’s kind of shy though, because he can’t hold your eyes for longer than two seconds and it’s pretty amusing to watch because this man is easily taller and his arms can probably crush you with no extra effort whatsoever.

“I am.” He scrunches his nose, and you spend the next ten minutes making sure he really is aware of them by pointing out random pastries and asking him their names and flavors. Thankfully, he only gets them mixed up two times and you’re suddenly glad that Chan didn’t go with his original plan of making unique names for all desserts instead of just calling them as they are.

“Kitchen, please! These pastries are ready!” You hear Jeonghan’s small scream, and you go inside with Seokmin to help put them on display. Chan insists on having fresh ones for the event, and he even rents an extra long table for the special desserts though the five of you were a bit unsure if it’d sell out. It did though, and if yesterday told you anything, renting the table is definitely worth it. The dessert leftovers from yesterday was only a third of the usual amount, which means it’s considerably less because you did have more stock because of the table.

Ten minutes later, Haven Cloud is open for business and it’s a blur after that. Chan’s brother is even here to help after lunch, and it’s then that you finally have time to eat lunch because the cafe is full and it means you can rest a bit and take turns for a quick break. Jeonghan pats your head when you come into the kitchen, telling you he’s just heating up your food so you can just sit somewhere and wait for a bit.

“This one’s for Seokmin. I’m gonna cover for him as he takes his break,” the older guy says,

For the most part, it has been quite an eventful day even though it’s been tiring (and you still have like four more hours to go before closing), your heart is happy though, because the event is definitely a lot more successful that all of you have expected to the point where it’s obvious that Haven Cloud is going to grow much more after this.

You look up when you hear the door open again, revealing Seokmin who sends you a forced grin. You signal him to sit beside you after he takes his plate, and he seems a little hesitant for some reason, but he does just as you gesture and sits on the stool right next to you.

“Did something happen?” you ask at last, not liking the way he seems down. He’s easily the kindest person you’ve ever met, and you say this when you’ve only known him for a total of six hours top. Yes, sometimes he comes in as a customer, but he always has his orders to go and even then you’ve always felt like his smile could light up the whole room.

Which is why the way his smile doesn’t reach his eyes doesn’t sit well with you.

Seokmin hesitates, but you insist and he eventually tells you there’s a little commotion outside earlier because he served the wrong order. The original table doesn’t really mind, even tells him it’s okay and they understand it can happen because it’s very busy; but the other customer who got the wrong order got mad beyond rude that Chan has to step up and tells them to calm down because they’re bothering the other tables.

You gape a little at the story, knowing full well that entitled customers are bound to appear when you have these many guests; but it annoys you that it’s Seokmin of all people that has to deal with them though it’s clear that Chan has it under control.

“I’m sorry you had to experience that.” Your brows furrow in annoyance, no longer feel like eating after the story. Seokmin smiles weakly, and you can see the way he’s slowly munching on his food–probably lost his appetite too but he knows he needs it anyway.

Nudging his shoulder in encouragement, you remind him that he totally didn’t deserve that even if he did make a mistake; that the customer is definitely too much and there was never any need to be that rude.

You hide a pout at Seokmin’s forced smile, not liking the situation one bit. Yes, you haven’t known him for long and you keep on saying this, but it’s pretty obvious that he’s a kind person and seeing him like this doesn’t sit well with you.

“Tell you what, we should go out for dinner tomorrow after closing,” you nod at him, deep in your thought that you don’t notice him tensing beside you. “We should celebrate. We all deserve it, I think. Like, you’ve been here for half a day and you can tell how tiring it is already, right?”

You can’t quite translate the sigh he lets out, unsure if he’s tired or if he finds your invitation bothersome. You have known the guy for a total of seven hours anyway, you can see why the invitation might be uncomfortable for him.

“Um, yeah,” he smiles awkwardly. “We all should. Ryujin should be all better too by tomorrow, right?”

“Are you not able to help out tomorrow?” You ask him, wide-eyed.

He blinks at how hopeful you sound, like you wish he’d be here again tomorrow. Or is he making things up?

“I mean, I’m not sure if Ryujin will be better or not by tomorrow, but I think we could use your help either way,” you say honestly, and then proceed to make his heartbeat skips a little when you say how much you appreciate his help and his presence. “We’ve had plenty of substitutes and our own share of part-timers so, really, I can tell when people genuinely want to help and those that want me to shut up already the moment I call them.”

He huffs a laugh at that, and you grin at your successful attempt at cheering him up albeit a little. You spend the rest of your short break talking to each other, because even though you’re not usually this chatty with someone you barely know, Seokmin makes you comfortable enough for that and you feel like he needs it so you don’t see why not.

Thankfully, his mood seems to pick up after that, as he keeps on sending you a smile every time your eyes accidentally meet from across the room. Seungkwan nudges you and wriggles his eyebrows once, and you tilt your head in confusion but don't get to ask for an explanation because another customer comes in and takes your attention.

It’s later that night that you finally get your explanation.

You, Soonyoung and Seungkwan are cleaning the tables while Seokmin and Chan go out to buy dinner. It’s almost half past eight, which means it’s only been about thirty minutes since you’ve flipped the ‘closed’ sign and about fifteen minutes since the last customer leaves. Wendy and Jeonghan are cleaning the kitchen, so it’s just the three of you and that’s when Seungkwan decides to bring the earlier instance up again.

“What was that earlier?”

“What?”

“You and Seokmin.”

You frown. What?

Seungkwan rolls his eyes, too tired to play your game. “Come on.”

But you look even more confused and that’s when Seungkwan realizes that you aren’t messing with him and you really don’t realize what’s been going on.

“He looks at you like a lost puppy asking to be picked up, Cherrie,” he spells it out for you with the most serious tone he can muster, because he knows you never believe him and while he knows it’s on him (and Jeonghan) because he often teams up with the older guy to mess with you, sometimes it’s beyond annoying when he’s actually telling the truth and you refuse to believe him.

“You’re seeing things,” you snort as you shake your head, and then continue on your way to set up the table for dinner. “He just looks like a lost puppy in general.”

“That is true, but he keeps on looking at you, alright?”

It’s your turn to roll your eyes this time, but Soonyoung cuts you before you can even say anything. “He’s right, y’know? He does keep on looking at you.”

“See? I’m not making things up.”

You frown and click your tongue in annoyance, telling them to stop messing with you. “I don’t like the two of you ganging up on me.”

Soonyoung laughs and messes your hair, the grin on his face makes you want to strangle him right there and then.

“Come on, Seokmin must’ve–”

“We’re back, guys!” Chan announces happily, pushing the glass door with his body. Seungkwan shouts for Wendy and Jeonghan while Soonyoung quickly helps them set the food on the table. “We wanted to get something more fancy but we’re going to eat out with Ryujin tomorrow so I thought pizza should be enough.”

“You made him buy this, didn’t you?” You jokingly narrow your eyes at Seokmin, recalling how he said he’s craving for some pizza during break earlier.

He grins sheepishly, and you hear Soonyoung snorts softly behind you, thankfully much too soft for anyone else to hear. You glare at your best friend, and he pretends to zip his mouth and pushes you to sit down already.

Unfortunately for you, you’re sandwiched between him and Seungkwan, and the two wouldn’t stop whispering about Seokmin to your ears though at least they’re being subtle enough about it because you wouldn’t know how to face the kind guy sitting in front of you had they been too loud about it.

“He so has a crush on you,” Soonyoung whispers against your ear, way too close that you lean away from him because his breath tickles. You glare at him and proceed to elbow him on the guts, making him choke a little out of shock. He pouts at you but you don’t relent and you just shake your head as he says he’ll get back at you for it.

It’s then that you accidentally meet Seokmin’s eyes, and it’s your turn to smile shyly like you’ve been caught talking about him (you’re going to give these 2 men hell for this), your ears getting hot for no reason at all. Still, you raise your eyebrows in question just in case, but he simply huffs a smile and returns to his meal.

You blink at the interaction, wondering why it’s flustering you. Gosh, Soonyoung and Seungkwan must be getting to your head.

Or you’re just more lonely than you thought.

Anyhow, it doesn’t stop you from biting your lip like an idiot that night, unsure how to feel about the messages on your inbox.

[New Message from: Lee Seokmin]

[22:10]: Did you get home safely?

[22:10]: I know I thanked you already, but thank you so much for comforting me today😊

[22:11]: I’ll see you tomorrow!

[22:14]: Have a good night 🍒

[New Message from: Ryuuu✿]

[22:20]: a little bird told me someone’s got a crush on youuuu👀

[22:20]: i might or might not knwo abt it already tho lol

🏷permanent taglist: @kyeomjjigae @stantrash171819 @sebongmochi @luveveryonewoo @thinkinboutwonu @kpopjackie @ursweetener @lavenderautumnx @itsveronicaxxx @shuahoshiscoups @sunshinein17 @leechanniee @twogyuu @hoe4wonwoo @h3h3tm0n @noraehey @seokshook @rubyhoons @02psh @just-here-to-read-01 @listxn @janandbeyond

🏷haven cloud taglist: @berriesandjunnie @boowanie @honeymoondelicia @joshuahongnumbers @bbymatz @baldi-2 @justasoftstan @lechanters @darl-ings @17kwans @heesunki @13956789 @yoonguurt @yoonzinosworld @alicehatter457 @wonuziex @bibinnieposts @horranghaesakura @oliviaheaven @trumanblackhatesyou @qiuscloud @cherriscoups

#caratwritersclub #dokyeom au #dokyeom fluff #dokyeom imagines #dokyeom scenarios #seventeen au #seventeen fluff #seventeen fic #seventeen scenario #seokmin fluff #seokmin imagine #seokmin scenario #seokmin scenarios #seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagine #seventeen fanfic

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chocominnie · 3 years ago

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One Last Time 01 — Pjm. (M)

⇢ pairing: Jimin X Reader

⇢ Genre: Idol!Jimin, Exbf!Jimin, model!reader, sad au, fluff, tons of smut, angst

⇢ Synopsis: Your idol ex boyfriend Jimin cheated on you. You two have been broken up for a while now and the media has been keeping track of you and him. You’re trying to get over him, but the things that happen inbetween makes you re-think the entire breakup, and so does Jimin…

⇢ Song : xxxxx

⇢ Word Count : 4.3k

⇢ Warnings: dominant jimin, makeout sessions, this is honestly a sad angsty au, cheating, pregnancy, unprotected and protected sex, a bunch of sex, no really a LOT of sexual themes too, I know I’m forgetting some but sorry in advance!

⇢ Copyright: please do NOT repost, translate, or modify my works in any way, shape or form, on any platform. If found doing so , it is considered as plagiarism and appropriate LEGAL action will be taken

⇢ Authors note: This is my mini series for the summer! Get your tissues, things to take your anger out on, and sit back and watch the drama unfold. Shall we begin?

The winter’s coldness is hardly enough for you to bear. Even though it’s just the beginning, Seoul is known to just go from season to season without a fucking warning. Not only that, but the first snowfall is going to come soon. The weatherman has been talking about it non-stop for the past few days. It’s going to be a brutal one he says but he says that every year so why believe?

Turning off your alarm, you take a few minutes to collect yourself and stretch. Barely any sleep once again but that’s an everyday thing now.. without Jimin. It’s been some rough months not having his body wrapped snugly onto yours. These days you long for his touch, but completely dread at the same time for very good reasons.

Your kitten greets you with small licks on your thigh in which in return you pet her head softly with a smile.

‘‘ At least I still have you babygirl. You keep me company. “ You coo softly while grabbing your phone off the charger. Texts from your best-friend just spamming you with love and apparently she’s coming over. Great. That’s normal. But one text catches your eye. Jeon Jungkook.

You furrow your eyebrows as your finger slides to open it after typing in your password. In relief, he’s just checking up on you as always. Rolling your eyes, you muster enough strength to actually pull yourself out of bed. The cold tiles hit your feet like icicles. You jump from from foot to foot cursing yourself for not turning on the floor heaters as you walk out the room. Clara, your kitten, follows you out purring nonchalantly with a few meows here and there.

‘’ Alright Clara I hear you. Im getting your food now.’’ You chuckle, grabbing her food from the bottom kitchen cabinet right under the sink and pour her half a cup of cat food and a whole bowl of water.

After snacking on your morning granola bar you prepare yourself for your morning routine. Shower, brush teeth, skin care, get dressed, clean. Your phone dings once more just before stripping yourself of your clothes. You don’t bother to look it’s probably just a social media notification.

Drying your hair with a towel as you get out the steaming hot shower, you head straight for the mirror. Dark circles remain under your eyes from months of barely any sleep. You sigh, and gently rub under them. Jimin is the cause of this. Why would he do this to you. Surely enough he would not like to see you like this at all. The worriedness he would have over you is huge. But he has moved on and you just have to accept it no matter how in-love you still are with him.

As you clean up around the living room, another ding from your phone occurs. A groan escapes your lips as you place the pillows back as they should be. In hopes of it just being your manager giving you some good news, you let out a sigh and plop yourself down on the grey suede couch. Three new messages. Jeon Jungkook, who has text you twice, and Ryan your bestfriend.

‘‘ Damn it Ryan why must you consistently text me twenty four sev- “

“ Beause I need to know if you’re okay.”

You jump and drop your phone onto the hardwood floor from the voice that comes from around you.

“ Holy fucking shit you scared me! “ You whine, turning around to face your best-friend. She smiles and holds out her arms for a hug. You roll your eyes and open yours waiting for her embrace.

“ Oh i’ve missed you so so so so so so so-”

“ You just seen me yesterday..” Your voice sarcastic and bland as you let go of her. You sit on the couch first followed by Ryan sitting right next to you.

She looks good today, the navy blue coat she has on suits her very well. Although, you cannot figure out why she decided to wear leggings today. It’s going to rain a bit later but you disregard that seeing as though she’s the fashion deisgner and not you.

You. The model and seemingly ex girlfriend of one of the biggest solo idol in the world right now. Thats what they call you in the news, headlines in magazines, and real life as if you don’t have a real name and just was his acessory. Your modeling career had taken off way before dating him. The world, or Seoul to say the most, didn’t acklowledge you to that point yet.

“ Okay but still. You know we should be roomates. It’ll be easier for me to watch over you. “

Your head turns towards her quickly shaking no, “ I don’t need to be looked over im 20 years old.”

Silence takes place for the next few seconds. You know what she’s going to say next but pray she doesn’t. Those words will just make you even more upset. It’s already enough you have that constant reminder in your head.

You watch her fiddle with the rings on her index and pinky fingers. “ But you know… you haven’t been the same since you and Jimi-”

“ Don’t fucking say it. I don’t want to hear it.”

She sighs harshly and stands up, “ Im just worried about you Yn”

“ Don’t be. Im fine. “ That lie escaped your tongue way too easily.

Truthfully you haven’t and won’t be fine. Everyday there is something new about that girl and Jimin on twitter. Gossip pages, twitter fanpages, and online entertainment pages just always talking about them. They did this, they did that today. Oh we caught them going to this and that restaurant. That used to be you and him.. but now everyone has forgotten about you and focused on them.

Ever since you’ve told reporters and paparazzi repeatedly that you will not be holding or going to any interview they just stopped. A few calls here and there to your manager about scheduling one but she knew you didn’t want to do them so every request is denied. Although its been a year and some change, they still seem to want your side and your opinion to weigh in on. I guess that’s what happens when you date an Idol.

“ The door.. Y/N the door somebody is at the door.” Ryan says, tapping you over and over. You shake your head interrupting your thoughts for the time being. A few more knocks come through.

Finally up onto your feet you harshly walk to the door with each step making noise. It’s to early in the morning for someone to actually be knocking at the door right now. Whoever it is better be dropping off some sort of package, or they’ll surely get a piece of your mind.

Your frail hands grab onto the doorknob and swing it open. Your eyes almost pop through your sockets. How? How did he know you were here? You certainly did not tell him your knew address.

There he stands, his tall frame looking down on you. Lips formed into a tiny pout along with his eyebrows scrunched slightly. His brown eyes forming an ungodly stare into yours with his specs on.

“ Yn! Do you know how worried I was about you? Why did you not answer my messa-”

“Jungkook how do you know where I live?” You pace your hands on your hips, raising an eyebrow at him. To your knowledge, you never gave Jungkook your new apartment address.

Jungkook swallows slowly and puts on his best innocent face on. Oh please like that would work in this moment right now. The only person who has this address is Ryan because she’s the one who helped you move. Even if you had the choice of not giving it out to Ryan you would of but you couldn’t do that to her. She would of been so upset.

Ryan’s voice blares in the background full of excitement. Here we fucking go. “Jungkook! Come in Come in.”

“ Ryan says I could come in.” He says quickly, brushing past you and removing his shoes.

You heavily sigh and slam the door shut. What is this a family reunion? On your way back to the couch you notice them laughing and giggling like two five year old children. They don’t even notice you when you sit right across from them.

You study their expressions. Their chemistry is something so strong. The way their eyes light up when they meet, the way that Jungkook smiles and scrunches his nose more often when she’s around. You miss that. You miss doing that.

“ So are you both coming along this afternoon?”

Your attention focuses back on them. Of course you weren’t paying attention once again.

Your eyes slowly meet with theirs, “ Huh? Where are we going?”

“ Kookie finally bought a house! He wants us to come tonight for chicken and beer. You’re coming right?”

A sharp pain goes through your heart. If the both you you guys go then theirs a possibility that Jimin was invited too. After all, that is his brother. If Jimin comes then he’s most likely going to bring Isabel. A recipe for disaster. Your poor heart, that most likely could not bare the sight of them infront of you, would shatter into a million pieces.

Jungkook’s expression is ready to burst into happiness or to turn into a pout awaiting for your answer. If you let him down he’ll surely be mad at you. But putting yourself before him this time would be the right thing to do right?

“ Listen Jungkook I.. don’t think I can go.” You start off, playing with your hair with your head down.

“ I’ll space you two apart.”

Your face automatically lifts itself up in shock. Somehow, that little confirmation of Jimin being there, gave you some hope. Hope for what though?

“ Wha-what do you mean?”

Jungkook sighs heavily with his hand going up to his brown hair running it through lightly. “ I’ll make sure you two are distanced apart. You don’t want to come because of Jimin but I’ll make sure I’ll invite more people to keep you company and away from him. Okay?”

“ Please Yn. I’ll be there too.” Ryan begs, laying her head on Jungkook’s shoulder. Jungkook smiles a little, caressing her cheek with his other hand upon waiting your response.

Weird. When did they get so close?

The first thing you want to say is that you really could not go. But they already know the excuse now. You might as well just give in.

‘‘ Fine. What time tonight? “

Skincare and makeup products are scattered everywhere on your vanity. You needed the perfect look for tonight that says ‘Yes im doing fine without you’, but in reality you’re doing worse. This is the night where you’ll actually see him. Damn it’s been a while.

After you apply your highlight you step back and take a look at yourself. Not bad at all. You smile to yourself and start cleaning up the mess of products you had distributed across the vanity. A new text appears on you phone as soon as you gather everything up and put it back in it’s place. Grabbing your phone, it’s Ryan giving you the address to Jungkook’s new house.

You sigh and mentally prepare yourself, ‘‘ Okay Yn. You can do this. It’s just one night of conversing among people. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet someone new.”

Before heading out you grab your coat and scarf. Clara follows you all the way to the door letting out her little meows once again. You bend down to pet her head lightly with a smile. “ Clara im coming back. I’ve put food in your bowl babygirl.”

She purrs under your touch then walks away to settle herself in her bed. You take one last final look at your decent sized apartment before heading out.

The subway ride was agonizing pain for you due to it being 30 minutes long. Well, at-least you can ride the subway now. Your mind wouldn’t even of thought of that when you were with him. Everybody would have noticed you and bombard you with questions.

The outskirts of Seoul is peaceful and quite. Not many people live over here. Mostly famous actors and idols. The taxi takes a few minutes to get to the fairly clean subway station. Once you’re inside you take a good look at the driver who seems to be eyeing you in suspicion. You pull out your phone and read the words to the address exactly to him. The taxi man pulls of into the empty streets of god knows where.

All it took was a ten minute ride and then you’re there. The taxi man pulls up to a security guard booth. Just beyond the gates is more street but by squinting your eyes you can make out just a few newly built houses.

‘‘ Who are you here to see?” The taxi driver says.

“ Jeon Jungkook.?

The driver talks to the man for a few seconds before you see the security guard pick up a phone and start dialing. The security is extremely uptight, thats good. After a few moments of speaking the security guard finally opens the gates to be let through.

As you pull up to the house you’re automatically mesmerized on how big and beautiful it is. There’s fresh bushes and some white roses growing in the front of it complementing the white modern style home. The roundabout is full of luxurious cars, in which might be all the other guests.

‘‘ 10 dollars’‘ He says. You give him the ten, thank him, and grab your purse, closing the door behind you.

Your eyes meet face to face with the expensive house. Behind you is the tire wheels backing up and running off back down the roundabout. The time on your watch reads 8:15. Only fifteen minutes late, not bad right?

With each step you take fear quivers inside of you. What if he opens the door? What if that girl opens it instead? The wind blows harsh-fully hitting your cheeks making them turn slightly colored. You raise a small, shaky fist to knock on the door. Your blood turning cold, and face turning pale already. Your anxiety already taking its place inside of your body.

The door swings open revealing Ryan smiling from ear to ear. She pulls you inside without even a greeting. You kick your shoes off in a hurry as she pulls you more and more inside. Scanning the area around you, its a nice huge place. First the both of you pass the entrance, then the chef sized kitchen, which then leads you to the spacious living room where everybody seems to be sitting.

All eyes are on you now with some familiar faces and some not. They smile and greet you one by one and you slightly bow your head with a fake smile.

‘‘ Ah Yn, nice to see you again huh.’‘ Hoseok, the smiley one says, getting up from his seat to greet you once more.

‘‘ Nice to see you to Hoseok. Is Chae-Yeon here? I’ve baked the cookies she likes.’’ You say, holding up the big tuba-wear of freshly baked cookies. Nobody can resist those.

‘‘ No she had to work sadly, but I will enjoy them for her.’‘ He chuckles, bringing the tuba-wear out of your dainty, cold hands.

A very familiar voice booms from behind you causing you to turn around. “ Yn! You actually did come!’’ Jungkook, the owner of the voice exclaims. He wipes his hands with a napkin just before pulling you into a hug.You pat his back just before letting go.

Ryan smiles and shakes her head, “ I told you she would come.’’

Only one hour and 30 minutes into the festivities and half of the people here are drunk or nearly there. You on the other hand do not drink at all. Staying sober throughout this whole party is a must. Who knows what would happen if you start drinking and saying things.Ryan seems to be doing good with Jungkook who’s laying on the floor laughing and cracking jokes with her head laying on his stomach giggling along with him. The others have casually invited themselves into the guest game-room to play some pool.

You just sit there on the couch, munching on a cookie and smiling and laughing here and there at one of Seokjin and Jungkook’s back-to-back jokes that seem to never leave the air.

Only for a knock on the door to interrupt their flow of jokes.

‘‘ I got it I got it.” Seokjin stammers, placing a beer bottle down and stumbling towards the door. You freeze, face turning pale once more. It’s them. It could be them. Your teeth find their way to your lips and you begin to chew on it excessively.

Ryan notices it and automatically gets up from Jungkook, ‘‘ Come Yn, lets go see if the game of pool is interesting.’‘

You nod your head slightly as you get up from the couch. What are you worrying for? You look extravagant tonight. No need to worry yourself.

Just before taking your first few steps you stop, that voice. That oh so familiar voice begins to inch closer and closer. The famous laugh that he always tries to stifle by putting his hand over his mouth, that you’ve always thought was so fucking cute, fills the air.

You don’t know what got over you, but you sit back down dragging Ryan down with you. “ Yn? What are you doing I thought you wanted to avoid him.’’

‘’ No it’s okay. Im going to be fine.’‘ You say, awaiting upon his arrival into the room.

The footsteps are haunting you with each step they take.

one..two..three..four..five..si-

‘‘ Everyone, Isabel and Jimin are here.’‘ Seokjin stammers, smiling wide clearly drunk from all the beer consumed.

Your eyes go directly towards his. The pit of your stomach flutters with nervousness as you hold the long stare with him. His facial expression shocked but not showing it at all. His partner, who’s arm is linked with his, smiles brightly at everyone bowing her head slightly to them including you.

‘‘ Sorry we are late. Jimin didn’t want to come out of his home studio but I’ve made him come along with me.’‘ Her voice gentle and soft.

‘‘ Yn I forgot let me show you my new painting i have received.” Jungkook says quickly, trying to escape you from the awkwardness.You can bare it though its not as bad as you thought.

‘‘ Maybe later Kookie. I’m going to grab some juice.” You say, getting up from your spot. You brush past Jimin lightly with Ryan tailing along with you.

The spacious kitchen was perfect for you to escape for just a moment. Silence is golden. Ryan sighs, pouring you and her a glass of juice. Nothing is to be said yet. But you know she really wants to have her input.

Raising the glass to your lips, you take a sip letting the tanginess run across your tongue and down your throat. ‘’ Say it Ryan.’’

She puts her cup down and looks at you with your eyebrows furrowed, ‘’ You aren’t fine. Please just avoid them for the night.’’

You knew it was coming but you have to face the fact that they area couple anyways so why avoid it? Maybe your mind will finally accept it to see it in person.

‘‘ I have to face it one way or another so why not now?’‘

She shakes her head in disapproval, finishing the rest of her juice. “ No you don’t. You’re making yourself suffer and I don’t like it.’’

‘‘ Yn.. did you make these cookies?’‘ A voice says behind you. Ryan’s eyes go wide and then looks at you signaling for you to not turn around. But you do it anyways.

Isabel. How dare she call you by a pet name? You don’t even know her like that and she’s doing this. Anger wants to get the best of you but you remain humble and calm.

‘‘ Yes. Is there a problem though? Are they not good?’‘ You say, putting on your best innocent act.

She smiles as she moves a piece of hair of her perfectly framed face, ‘’ No they are great! I was wondering if i can have the recipe.. for Jimin’s purpose of course.’’

You breathe through your nostrils with your eyes closed. She knows what she’s doing. She likes seeing you suffer huh? ‘’ You can follow any recipe online. I just add almond extract and substitute white sugar for brown.’’

Ryan shakes her head slightly while sticking her cup into the sink. ‘’ I’m going to be back I have to use the restroom.’’

Once she leaves Isabel’s smile drops.’’ Almond? Im- Im allergic!” She says, semi yelling at you. You’re shocked more or so at the sudden outburst that you can’t speak. You had zero knowledge of her being allergic, it’s an accident for sure.

“You did this on purpose!’’ She says, tears filling her eyes as she goes into a coughing fit.

Shit. You didn’t know if anyone was allergic to nuts here but you had put it in anyways because that was the secret ingredient

‘’ I- I didn’t know im sorry is there anything I can do?’’ You say, guilt taking over you while you rush to her side patting her back.

‘‘ Get off of me! You did this on purpose! You never liked me anyways. Jimin! Jimin!‘ She scream’s, coughing and wheezing making her face red.

Multiple footsteps rush into the kitchen. You don’t know what to do at this point so you just back away and let whoever take over. All the commotion going on and yelling is starting to give you a slight headache. All of the boys surround her, bombarding with questions and asking each other what to do.

‘‘ What’s all the yelling about? What happened! “ Jungkook exclaims rushing towards her hunched over body.

‘‘ What’s going on? “ That voice that haunts you everynight finally comes inside the kitchen. When he see’s Isabel he automatically rushes towards her side. It pains you to see him rush to another woman’s body. But that figure is no longer yours so he has every right to do that.

‘‘ She-She put almond in the cookies on purpose! She’s trying to–to-’‘ She manages to wheeze out before another coughing fit.

Jimin’s eyes meet yours full of rage but then taken over by concern. He knows your hurt. Still hurt from the past and from this very situation now. You don’t manage to keep eye contact, so the floor is your eyes’ bestfriend right now.

‘‘ Yn. is this true? Why would you do that?” He says, eyes never leaving yours and voice soft.

You shake your head quickly, “ I didn’t know she was allergic. I always put almond extract an-’’

“ You knew better than to put any type or form of nut in a dish when bringing it to ones house. You never know if someone has an allergy to it.’‘ Jungkook scolds you, eyes furrowed in shame.

‘‘ Don’t blame her. She didn’t fucking know.” Ryan’s voice enters the room in madness. She comes to your side with her arms crossed. Your own personal savior. Without her, you’d still be feeling guilty and taking the blame.

‘‘ Besides, you knew better than to invite him if you knew he was going to bring the girl he cheated on her with.. right?’‘ She says, cocking her head to the side as her attitude takes over.

The room is silent again. Good girl Ryan.

Isabel lifts her head in disbelief along with Jimin. “ Listen that’s beside the point. Just don’t do it again.” Jimin says, focusing his attention back on Isabel. He reaches into her purse to grab her Epi-pen.

His scolding is enough to send your eyes into tears. You shouldn’t of agreed to come. This is a disaster. You take the tuba-wear of cookies from the counter on your way out of the kitchen and dispose of them. Your vision is blurry and you don’t know where your going but you just need some air. You make lefts and rights down long and short hallways till you reach a room that has a balcony.

You slip on who-ever’s house slippers and open the sliding door revealing the winter’s cold harsh air. You lean on the railing and close your eyes breathe in and out heavily.

Wiping the tears away, You open our eyes and look straight ahead. The whole city is lit up such a beautiful view for a sad moment. The sad moment is cut short by the sliding door opening and closing. You don’t bother to turn around it’s probably just Ryan checking on you again. When are people going to stop doing that?

“ Yn.”

Thats the last voice you wanted to hear.

‘‘ Are you happy? Happy for scolding me infront of everybody.” You sniffle, wiping away your leaking nose.

You hear some rustling before something is placed on your shoulders. You look down at the material and shrug it off of you.

‘‘ Give it to your girlfriend.”

‘‘ I can’t let you be cold. Put it back on.’‘ He sighs, picking it back up and coming closer to you. You both stand side by side. Jimin puts his jacket around you once more and before you could re-do your action just before, he speaks.

‘‘ Shrug it off again and I’ll scold you. Do you understand?’‘ He says firmly.

You don’t bother to speak. Silence is golden.

‘‘ Listen.. i know you still aren’t over the fact that we are through but-”

‘‘ Shut up. I don’t want to hear it. Please go tend to your dying girlfriend.’‘ You say, sarcastically.

He huffs, “ She’s resting right now. She wouldn’t have to be if you wouldn’t of put-’’

You turn towards him slowly and meet his eyes daring for him to finish the rest of his sentence. ‘’ Don’t you fucking dare Park Jimin.’’

‘‘ Honorifics.’‘ He says, slightly looking down at you due to the height difference.

‘‘ You’re right Jimin-ssi.’‘

Jimin’s expression is taken a-back. You knew that one honorific word would hurt him.

‘‘ If we are done speaking I will take my leave now.” You say, eyes never leaving his as you take off his jacket and toss it to him, leaving him outside in the cold

This night was one of your worst mistakes. You thought you could handle it, but couldn’t. So maybe Ryan and Jungkook were right. Maybe you can’t handle it at all..

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sage-nebula · 4 years ago

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I don’t have time to type up a proper and polished meta post right now (because, much like Retsuko, I have work in the morning), but I wanted to say a couple things about the Haida/Retsuko relationship as depicted in season three while it’s still fresh in my mind.

First:

Haida falling for Retsuko when he saw her sneakily filling her water bottles from the company cooler shows that he does like her for who she actually is.

A recurring theme since the end of season one has been that Haida doesn’t know the “real” Retsuko, and that he primarily likes the image of Retsuko that he’s built up in his head. He says this to her in the hospital room at the end of season one, and it was touched upon again and again this season, particularly once Haida discovered that Retsuko was secretly in an idol group and hadn’t told him about it. At the office, Retsuko presents herself as a diligent, passive office worker who lets herself be pushed around by her boss and others. She’s sweet and polite, and a bit shy. This seems to be the Retsuko that Haida fell for.

But in the scene when he’s drinking with Fenneko, we find out that’s not the case. Haida tells Fenneko that he at first thought that Retsuko was too hard-working, which (given the context of the water cooler story) makes it seem as though the front that Retsuko puts on—diligent, sweet, shy, model employee—wasn’t attractive to Haida. It isn’t until he witnessed Retsuko “stealing” water from the company water cooler while trying to be sneaky about it that he started to develop feelings for her. In that moment, Retsuko thought she was alone, so she behaved in a way she ordinarily wouldn’t in front of her coworkers. She behaved in a way that was raw, that was honest to who she was, and that was who Haida started to develop feelings for. He started to develop feelings for the Retsuko he saw when she thought no one else was around. Haida hasn’t seen that side of Retsuko too often, because she hasn’t let him, but it’s safe to say that Haida won’t stop having feelings for her when he gets to know her even more. Rather, he’ll love her even more strongly.

Which brings me to point two . . .

Haida brought her to the karaoke room because he wanted to give her room to express herself honestly.

I haven’t looked at The Discourse™ too deeply yet, and frankly I don’t really want to, but what glimpses I’ve seen of it have indicated that people are upset at Haida for dragging Retsuko out of her mom’s house and having a heavy metal face off with her in order to get her to stop hiding and return to work, with him to be there by her side to protect her. As someone with a bad anxiety disorder who has had brushes with stalking in the past (though thankfully I wasn’t attacked like Retsuko was), I definitely agreed with Retsuko when she pushed back against Haida and I can see where others are coming from when they say that he came on too strong the way he did, that it was too much, too soon.

However:

We don’t know how long it’s been since the incident. When Fenneko said that Haida has been pining after Retsuko for five years, I was shocked. The three seasons combined certainly don’t feel like that long, and I’m sure that this is meant to mean that he’s been pining for her even before the show started (which tracks), but it’s a good reminder that time can pass far more quickly in Aggretsuko than we’d expect. For us that stalking incident just happened, but for all we know Retsuko has been holed up in her parents’ house for months. I would like to give Haida the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t yank Retsuko out of her mother’s house two days after the incident. I mean, we don’t know for sure, so maybe that is what happened, but I just feel like it’s been quite a bit longer for that, especially for Gori and Washimi to go along like they did (because you know they wouldn’t let anything happen that would hurt Retsuko).

Retsuko is never honest with Haida, so he pushed her to get that honesty. Haida says it himself when talking to Tadano in the plane: No matter how many times he asks Retsuko how she is, she always says that she’s fine and refuses to open up to him. And you know, that is her prerogative, she doesn’t have to tell him things if she doesn’t want to. However, this explains why Haida took her to a place where he knew she would be able to express herself (something that Gori and Washimi likely confirmed): Because he wants to be able to help her, but he can’t do that if she won’t be honest with him about how she’s feeling. If you’ll notice, most of what Haida says in the karaoke room isn’t about him wanting Retsuko to be his girlfriend (in fact, he doesn’t really bring it up beyond showing the match results; instead he says he wants to offer her safe harbor, wants to make her feel comfortable living her life again, and that doesn’t have to be romantic); rather, it’s about encouraging Retsuko to open up and live her life again instead of shutting herself away, and we can take this to be both metaphorical and literal. It’s also worth it to note that Haida didn’t grow angry when Retsuko started snapping and screaming at him; rather, he took it in stride and even encouraged that, pushing her with heavy metal lyrics of his own. Retsuko won’t open up to Haida in ordinary circumstances, or at least she hasn’t, so he took her to the one place where she would be able to literally scream at him if necessary, because if that’s what she needs to open up and get everything off her chest, so be it.

Retsuko does need to start living her life again. Look, what happened to Retsuko is absolutely terrifying. I get it. I’ve lived it (though again, not quite to that extent). But as terrifying as it is, she can’t put her life on pause forever. Eventually, she has to get back out there. She has to go back to work (not necessarily at the same company, but somewhere). She has to be able to go out again. She has to be able to feel safe in her own home again. Yes, she feels safe at her parents’ house, but as a person, Retsuko won’t be happy if she stays holed up in her parents’ house forever. It’s completely understandable that she takes some time to deal with what happened with her. But eventually, self-care in that sense becomes self-harm. Part of the healing process is going back out into the world and learning to feel safe in those spaces again. And doing so is monumentally easier with someone by your side who is there to offer you that support. Haida taking Retsuko’s hand and telling her that he will punch the world with her—a.k.a., it’s not Retsuko versus the world, she’s not alone, she has an ally—is Haida offering her the support she needs. He’s not saying, “Get back to work!” and throwing her into the deep end of the pool by herself. He’s taking her hand and saying he’ll walk into the water with her. And that’s something that she honestly needs. Retsuko can’t heal completely if she stays in her childhood bedroom all day every day, hiding from the world. She has to get back out there and face it. Haida is offering her the helping hand she needs to do that. While the way he offered it is unconventional, so is Retsuko herself. That she was able to go back to work after that scene with him shows that it was the help that Retsuko needed, even if it wasn’t the help that she (at the time) wanted.

Just like the ending of season one, whether Retsuko and Haida are dating right now is ambiguous. Personally, I don’t think they are. Again, though Haida showed her the dating app results, what he was really offering in the karaoke room was a supportive hand to help her feel safe out in the world again. Plus, Retsuko didn’t say anything in the karaoke room that suggested she wanted to date him. So I think that, in season four, we’ll open with them still just friends—but closer friends than before. And perhaps by the end of season four, they’ll end up dating.

But either way, the main takeaways here are:

Haida does like Retsuko for who she is, she’s just let him see very little of her true self, and

While unconventional, what Haida did in the karaoke room was ultimately what was best for Retsuko, especially since they never tell us how much time has passed since the attack and the scene in the karaoke room (meaning that it’s likely much longer than it seems to us, the viewers).

#aggretsuko #aggretsuko spoilers #haida #retsuko #meta #also Haida literally saved her life so I'm p sure she has good reason to believe him #when he says he'll help her be safe #like idk i'd trust the dude who saved me from being murdered #maybe that's just me tho

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fearfully-fiction · 2 years ago

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Spike Island pt.5-Dakota Laden x Reader

word count:2444

warnings: anxiety and nervousness, very short chapter. so sorry guys I have been incredibly busy lately and haven't been able to write very much!

summary: Based on season 3, episode 16 of DF. so all credit to the crew, the show, and the channel. sleeping arrangements are made, and Dakota's plan is unveiled.

(gif not mine!)

You shivered as you walked back to the gear room, and Dakota could feel you shake while you held his hand. “You’re shaking,” You heard him say and you looked over at him, “I’m just cold that’s all,” you told him, though it wasn’t the full truth it would do. Your body was tired from being pushed so much and you were beginning to struggle against the cold.

“I didn’t think it would rain, you know,” you said and let out a shaky sigh. “Well, hopefully, it’ll stop soon and we can warm you up a bit, how are you feeling?” He asked. “I’ve been better,” you told him. “But, I’m ok right now,” you followed up. “Honestly,” he tried to coax it out of you knowing that you wouldn’t tell the truth in hopes of not letting him worry. “I’m being honest, I promise,” you tried. “I know you too well,” he said and looked at you with those thoughtful eyes you could never lie to.

“Just, don’t want to move anymore, my body is working against me right now,” you admitted to him. He wouldn’t have been able to hear you if you weren’t so close to him.

“It’ll be over soon, and then you’ll get to rest for as long as you’d like. I promise I’ll take care of you,” He promised you and leaned over to kiss your head.

You all entered the gear room and were preparing for the last few hours of the overnight.

“We believe that when you’re alone, you’re much more scared which in turn brings out the paranormal activity,” Dakota explained as usual. “We’ve all agreed on the four scariest locations for us to go sleep,” he said.

Your brows furrowed, “Wait, why only four?” you asked. You knew that they would keep an eye on you tonight but you didn’t expect them to bend the rules for a second time just for you. Sure, you were scared but you didn’t want things to change just for your sake.

“Cause, we aren’t letting you be alone, not this time,” Chelsea explained. “I’m not bending the rules again,” you told them and they sighed. “We just want you safe,” Dakota tried to tell you. “I know, but you guys won’t always be with me and I’m gonna have to be alone at some point no matter how much I don’t want to be,” you told them. “Even if we let you, there are really only four places for you to be and there are five of us, so it’s inevitable right now,” Tanner said. You sighed heavily and shook your head. “It’s ok to not be alone,” Chelsea said and placed her hand on your shoulder. “I just want to end this right,” You told them. “You’re here aren’t you? After everything that happened you’re here, I think that’s right enough,” Dakota told you. You looked at him with an unsure gaze and he just nodded at you. “It’s ok,” he assured you.

“Ok, but this is the last time,” you said with a heavy sigh. You were embarrassed about it, but you knew it was four against one and you would just have to deal with it. “When the locations are drawn you can choose who you go with ok,” Dakota said giving you the freedom to choose who you spent the night with.

“Yeah, ok,” you said and wrapped your free arm around yourself in order to stave off the cold negativity the prison seemed to send your way.

“Ok, so as I was saying: we’ve all agreed on the four scariest locations for us to go sleep. First, we have the A-B Block. Then we have the A Block, whoever gets this, they will be the first to see it, and A Block is in such bad condition that whoever gets that one, they have to sleep in a hard hat. Then we have the Punishment Block. For our final sleeping arrangement, we have the tunnels,” Dakota announced and you cringed, not wanting to choose any of them, especially not the tunnels. You knew for a fact that you weren’t going to choose the A Block, mainly because t was falling apart but also because there was only one hard hat. You were just nervous overall. You wanted nothing more than to feel safe and currently, as you had to decide where to go you didn’t.

“So, Tanner is going to write those out on a piece of paper, then we’re gonna draw and that’s where you go sleep for the night,” Dakota finished explaining. Tanner quickly scrawled the locations onto pieces of paper while you stood off to the side trying to calm yourself down.

Dakota walked over to you and placed his arm around you. “You do know that you can stay with me right? No one will care, they probably expect it,” he said and you rested your head on his shoulder. “I know,” you breathed out shakily. You closed your eyes as you reveled in the warmth he provided. “I just want to be brave,” you told him sadly. “You are brave, just being here is you being brave. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. All of us including the fans know how much of a fighter you are, and even the bravest people have to take a step back sometimes, and that’s ok. Don’t feel embarrassed for not sleeping alone this time. No one will think any less of you. You’ll be ok, everything will work out,” he said and held you tighter. You nodded your head, “Thank you, Dakota,” you said and leaned up to kiss his jaw. “You never have to thank me,” he said and let his arm slide down to rest around your waist instead of your shoulders.

Tanner finished writing and stuck the papers in the bag for them to choose from.

“Alright, who wants to draw first?” Dakota asked. Everyone just silently looked at him before Alex lifted his arm to point at him. “Me?” Dakota asked with raised brows.

He took a breath and rubbed his hands together nervously obviously hoping for the best. You were of course worried for him, as you were for everyone. Choosing sleeping locations always made you nervous despite yourself not showing that fear. You never wanted to show such fear over what seemed to be a tame task to some people. You were terrified most of the time and did well at hiding it at most locations, you tended to be one of the people who stuck out the harsh ideas with almost no complaints.

Right now it was clear that you could see the fear in your eyes. You knew you wouldn’t be able to hide it this time and you just had to accept that.

Dakota stuck his hand in the bag and fished out a paper. “I hope you get the tunnels,” you heard Alex laugh. That’s the spot you were most worried about and you wouldn’t want any of them to get it if you had the choice. Your boyfriend unfurled his paper and announced his location, “A-B Block,” he told everyone. You felt your breath hitch for a second knowing he got the one you would most likely have chosen if you had the choice. Not liking the sound of the Punishment Block despite having been in the A-B Block before and not having a great experience there. . “I’ve never been there, I don’t know what to expect,” he said and you shook your head, remembering how it made you feel but betting it was better than the Punishment Block.

“I think Alex should draw next,” Dakota said and you rolled your eyes. Chelsea began chanting for him to get the tunnels and you shook your head. You were scared for any of them to get the tunnels, Al and Chelsea always seemed to have the worst luck and it never sat right with you. You just wanted everyone to be safe, and you knew on these overnights that you weren’t always going to be, especially being alone.

Alex dug around in the bag before pulling out a piece of crumpled paper. Your hands shook and ached as you held your camera tighter in your hands.

“Ah, no dude!” Alex shouted in disappointment. He showed his paper and your heart stopped for a second. He got the tunnels, and your heart ached for him knowing that he would be alone in the dark winding corridors that seemed to go on for miles. You didn’t want any of them to go there, and of course, it just so happened to be Alex who had to go. You heard the group laugh, and you shut your eyes tight. You weren’t gonna laugh or joke you were too on edge, your stomach began to turn at the thought of him sleeping alone down there. You desperately didn’t want him to go.

“How do you always get those?” Dakota asked in amusement. “I don’t know,’ he said in frustration. “You wanna trade?” Alex raised his voice. “No!” Dakota exclaims. You felt your nerves begin to kick in even more seeing as someone else had to draw now. “Alright, Tanner you draw next,” Alex spoke up again. You shifted your weight uncomfortably. “Okay,” Dakota agreed. “Alright,” Tanner said and got ready to draw. You hear Chelsea giggle and you cringed just wanting it to be over now. He grasped his paper and unfolded it, “A Block, great!” he shouted and you sighed once again feeling your stomach churn. He had to sleep in a building that was absolutely falling to pieces. This wasn't safe at all and you were not happy.

“A Block, you get to wear a hat!” Dakota exclaimed. “I get to wear my hat!” Tanner exclaimed in mock enthusiasm. “Yeah!” Alex shouted. “Fantastic!” Tanner raised his voice sarcastically.

You reached out to grab whoever’s hand was closest and it just so happened to be Alex’s. He looked down at you in confusion as he took your hand softly. He could practically feel the anxiety and fear radiating from you. You wanted nothing more than to say something to make it all stop but you knew you had to let it happen. It was just how these trips always went and you had to become okay with that again.

“We haven’t been there before and now I might get hit in the head with rocks,” Tanner broke you out of your little anxiety-induced daze. Alex kept glancing down at you in worry, “You ok (y/n)?” He asked softly. You looked up at him after hearing his voice. “Yeah, just a bit nervous, sorry,” you said to him and almost let go of his hand in fear of bothering him but he didn’t let go of yours. “Everything will turn out ok, only a few more hours,” he said and nudged you gently. You gave him a tight-lipped smile and nodded. “Ok,” you said and leaned against his arm.

“Chelsea’s got the punishment block,” Dakota announced and you let out a shaky sigh. She grabbed the last piece of paper from the bag and shook her head. ‘I did not expect to return here. “This is going to suck,” she said, “Yeah,” her brother agreed with her. You rolled your eyes at him. “(y/n), where are you staying?” your boyfriend asked. “I’ll stay with you,” you said quietly once again nervous about the judgment you may receive for choosing to stay with him. “Alright, that’s settled then, you’ll be with me,” he smiled at you, and you smiled shyly back. “Also, you guys,” He spoke up again and your heart dropped. You knew it wasn’t going to be anything good. “What do you mean ‘Also, you guys’ ?” Chelsea questioned in frustration already knowing it was going to suck. “Also?” Alex asked in disbelief. “You can’t do ‘also, you guys’,” Tanner said. “What is it this time?” you asked in annoyance trying to keep your voice from shaking too much.

He looked over at you with an apologetic gleam in his eyes. You just knew it was going to be bad, and that was probably one of the reasons he was so dead set on you not being alone. “Instead of sleeping tonight with flashlights…” Dakota began, “No!” Chelsea quickly butt in. “We are going to be sleeping with candles,” he finished. You stared at him with wide eyes, before letting go of Alex and turning around. You shut your eyes tightly and took a deep breath.

You were scared to turn around because you knew you would have to face anything else he had to say.

“What?! That’s not going to be enough light,” Tanner expressed loudly. “Exactly,” Dakota confirmed. “This is about amplifying the fear. Intensifying the fear, by replacing our flashlights where you can clearly see down a hallway with a candle where you can hardly see five feet in front of you.” you felt yourself begin to tremble again as you turned back around once again reaching for Alex’s hand. He graciously held your hand as tightly as he could without disturbing your injuries. He felt you shaking and decided to just put his arm around your shoulders instead.

You let yourself lean gratefully against your friend as your boyfriend continued on with his terrible plan. “But you only get one light. Once you get to your sleeping arrangement we will light the candle and you better not let it go out because I’m the only one with a lighter,” He ended his explanation. By this time you were shivering continuously and your heart was in your stomach. You felt sick, “Great,” Tanner stated sarcastically. “Let’s do it, let’s get out of here,” Dakota said. “Hey you guys, if I don’t show up in the morning, that’s probably because the building fell on me,” Tanner tried to joke but it just made your fear worse because though it seemed crazy things like that where he was going could be a real possibility. “But, no, dude you have a hard hat,” Dakota reminded him jokingly. “Oh, I have a hard hat. I should be perfectly fine over cave-ins,” Tanner once again commented sarcastically.

You gathered your things and sighed heavily as you thought of the night ahead of you. You did not want to do this, especially with what Dakota was having you do. Despite being with him you knew you were going to have a hard time. Your fear of something lurking in the dark was going to amplify tonight and you weren’t ready to face it.

---

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