#like honestly give that big brain a break daddy. let me dumb you out

[slytherinslut0]

have we ever thought about tom with a dumbification kink🫣

have we ever? babe i don’t stop. i think about this 25/8

[letterstotheflre]

my drug is my baby

summary: sirius is glad he was patient enough with you and takes part of what he has been craving most

warnings: daddy kink, a smidge of religious references, dacryphilia, overstimulation, fingering and oral sex (fem receiver), innocence/corruption kink

word count: 3.2k

a/n: i kinda hate this now but i think it’s because i read it too many times, idk || i think it's a universal experience to not being able to cum from your own fingers... right?? and we all know that sirius has a crying kink... also i think it’s so hot when they make you thank them for letting you cum, sue me!!

Sirius Black liked to believe he was a patient man when he needed to be.

He was known for being reckless, always jumping into the next adventure without much thought, ready to follow James wherever he went. Most of the time he spoke without thinking, especially if he knew his comments would make his parents red with rage. Sometimes he didn’t even mean what he said, he just spewed whatever progressive or controversial opinion he had in hopes of making his mother’s heart stop beating.

He revelled in making rash decisions, somehow always ending up being benefited by them. He never gave much thought to anything: always doing his homework last minute yet somehow still getting top marks, taking some jokes too far, never taking into consideration other people’s safety unless they were close friends.

Some may call him selfish, but he liked not having to put too much thought into every single action. He spent most of his childhood walking on eggshells, afraid of saying the wrong thing and being punished or worse, Regulus taking the beating for him. But now that he finally escaped the Black family, he enjoyed the freedom that came with leaving Grimmauld Place.

He enjoyed breaking rules and creating chaos. It made him feel mighty, knowing he had the power to make all of those choices, still coming out on top, and see how they affected certain people. Most applauded him, revered him for being so spontaneous and adventurous; others couldn’t stand him, complaining about his mean jabs and sometimes harmful pranks.

Yet he knew how to wait for the things he deemed important or worthy. He knew that it was best to wait for Euphemia’s cherry pie to cool down before eating it, to wait for three days after the full moon to make a werewolf joke to Remus, to wait a few hours after James lost a Quidditch match to suggest a quick trip to The Three Broomsticks. And he knew it was best to wait for you.

Good things come to those who wait, that was his mantra. Of course, most of his restraint when it came to you was because he cared deeply about you and your comfort, but his conscience also drove him to keep his hands to himself. Every time his hands were about to go under your skirt, every time he heard your breathy moans when he kissed your neck, every time you looked at him with pouty lips begging for a kiss and his fingers craved to squeeze your neck, he took a step back. He felt so guilty for tainting something that in his mind was so pure, so he just held you close and peppered your face with kisses until you giggled.

But the thought of you being so untouched and how bashful you looked when he teased you or someone made a sexual comment made him want to ruin your innocence. Something inside him craved to see you tainted, to have you writhing under him as he rolled his hips against yours while you clutched his shoulders. He wanted to take that holiness you had and turn it into something so sinful that there was no way for you to ask for redemption.

And when you opened the door and took the first step, who was he to deny you?

He dragged everything out. Since the day when he taught you how to touch yourself, he wanted to make you wait for every sexual act that followed. He wanted to see how long it would take for you to beg him for some relief.

So today during a lecture when you looked at him with glazed over eyes and begged him to help you relieve the strange ache you felt in your stomach since you woke, he decided to be benevolent and give you some relief. He swiftly moved his hand under your skirt (thanking God that most of your closet consisted of that particular piece of clothing and dresses) and pushed aside your underwear before his fingers made way between your dripping folds. He didn’t enter you, just played with your clit until you had to bite the back of your hand to muffle your moans.

But when you whispered a small “thank you, daddy” and pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek, the only thing he wanted to do was take you back to his room and press you to the bed until your legs shook and tears ran down your cheeks. His eyes quickly scanned the classroom to make sure no one saw or heard anything, shoulders tense because of your words. All he could see were students with their own glassy eyes as they listened to whatever the professor was talking about. Fucking tease, Sirius thought.

And now, as he watched you on your knees and clutching his leg, lips pouty and cheek nuzzling his jean covered thigh, he was thankful for being patient enough.

“Please, Sirius, they’re back,” you said. He knew exactly what you were talking about, but played dumb as one hand petted your hair. “What’s back, baby?”

“The tingles,” you explained.

“And you need me to fix it, hm?” A small taunt was evident in his tone. “Your hands aren’t enough anymore, right bunny?”

Your cheeks warmed up at the implication, nevertheless, you shook your head. You still managed to make yourself cum, but the way Sirius could play with your clit like an experienced musician and how his big hands moved your hips along his jean covered leg would never compare to your dainty digits. The thought of his big fingers inside of you was enough to increase the tingles, and your hands pressed down on your stomach trying to soothe the pain.

“Please, Sirius, it hurts so bad,” you whimpered.

“Use your words, angel. Be good,” he said. You looked up at him with watery eyes, your mind already slipping and not letting you form too many coherent thoughts. “Please, daddy,” you sniffled.

He kept petting your head. “What do you want, angel?” He asked, looking almost bored with the situation as he listened to your pleads. “Anything,” you whined.

He shook his head, mocking disappointment. “You know you have to ask for what you want, puppy.” Even though he wasn’t angry, honestly a little amused at your desperation, his voice was stern, trying to engrave his rules in your fuzzy brain.

Your hands squeezed his leg, “I need you… down there.”

“You need to be clearer.''

You closed your eyes. You hated being so crass, but Sirius certainly had no qualms about it. “I need you… in my pussy,” you got out. But it wasn’t enough, not for Sirius who longed to ruin every aspect of your innocence. “What do you want, baby? D’ya want my fingers or my tongue?”

“Both,” you whined. Bingo, he thought with a dark smirk that would’ve sent shivers down your spine if you weren’t absolutely drenching and desperate for his touch. “Up you get, puppy,” he said, “lay on the bed f’me.”

You got on the bed right next to him, your head laying on one of your fluffy pillows. Your dress rode up a bit with your movements, but it didn’t really matter, and you pressed your legs together trying to relieve some of the tension while you waited for Sirius to do something. He simply watched you, taking in the image of you wriggling in place and toying with the rings he bought you for your birthday.

You felt a soft touch on your calves, and it gave you a fluttering feeling in your stomach. Sirius’s hands were moving slowly up your legs, nudging them apart without needing much force since you complied immediately. You were about to burst, ready to scream at him to just get on with it, but decided to keep quiet.

One of his hands made its way to the edge of your dress, swiftly going under it and his fingers slightly grazing your clothed pussy. Your hips bucked at the soft touch, but then just as quickly as it came it was gone. “No, come back!” you implored, reaching for Sirius’s wrist but being too slow.

Sirius arched one eyebrow, “What was that?”

“I’m sorry!” you cried out, “M’sorry, I just need you so bad. It hurts.” But Sirius remained where he was, arms now crossed over his chest as he looked at you. His eyes were full of disappointment and you wanted to cry, “What’s gotten into you today? You were so demanding in class before, so bratty, I don’t think you deserve it at all.” He was stretching the truth, you were by far the least bratty person he had ever been with, but he couldn’t help himself when he saw how much his words affected you.

A few tears fell at his words, “No, no, m’not bratty. I’m a good girl, daddy. I promise I’ll be so so good, your best girl! I won’t ask for anything more, m’sorry.'' You were saying anything you could to convince him that you were still his good girl, his angel.

Your lips were quivering and your chest was heaving with sobs you tried to keep inside; babbling apologies and trying to convince him that you would never act like this again, and he finally took pity on you. His hands gripped your ankles and opened your legs so he could lay comfortably between them. He could see a dark patch on your lavender underwear, and he huffed out a laugh with a slightly amused shake of his head. “I forgive you, bunny, but you’ll have to take everything that I give you. D’you think you can do that f’me?”

You nodded eagerly, choking a small ‘thank you’ as you tried to control your breath. He grabbed the ends of your dress and bunched it up over your waist, not bothering to take it off. He licked a strip over your underwear and the combination of his warm tongue with the friction of the cotton cloth was enough to make you mewl.

Sirius could not deny that he had been craving to taste you once more after he licked your fingers clean that day, and now only getting a smidge of your taste from what seeped through your underwear drove him insane. He needed to taste you completely, so he quickly pulled them off and pocketed them in the back of his jeans.

He used his fingers to spread your folds wide open, staring hungrily at all the slick that had gathered. “Oh puppy, look at the mess you’ve already made,” he crooned. “Y’re dripping, d’ya really need me this bad?”

“Yes, so so bad. Please, daddy.” He was so close, his warm breath hitting your wet folds and making you tremble in anticipation.

You watched, using your elbows to raise yourself a little, as he slowly started to take his rings off. “Hold ‘em for me, bunny, don’t want them to get dirty,” he said as he slid his chunky rings into your fingers. The metal dangled a little because of the size difference, so you closed your hands to keep them from falling.

Finally, his tongue made contact with your clit and you sighed in relief. It was followed by a moan when he started to suck on it, making sure to swirl his tongue all around before slurping. He looked like a starved man that finally came into contact with some sweet fruit, moving his head around your pussy to have you gushing on him. The ache in your tummy was slowly decreasing, now replaced with a nice fluttering feeling.

Your whines and moans echoed through his ears, resembling the most beautiful angel choir he had ever heard. He pulled away for a moment, “I’ve been waiting to taste you for days, puppy. S’better than I remembered.”

The more he pushed his tongue inside you, the more your legs shook. You involuntarily closed them, your pillowy thighs acting as earmuffs around Sirius’s head. He let them rest there for a few seconds before pushing them open once more, adding more fervour to his movements, eager to drink your sweet ambrosia.

Your closed fists went to his head, and you opened them a little to grip his hair, trying to ground yourself. “Gonna cum, daddy, can I?” You breathed out. Sirius just hummed, sending vibrations that were enough to make you let go. You tried to close your legs once more, but his shoulders prevented you from doing so. You felt like you were floating, your brain shutting off for a few seconds before returning to earth.

But Sirius didn’t stop moving his tongue, one of his fingers circling your hole before entering you slowly. Just one of his fingers felt like two of yours, even though you knew it wasn’t an accurate comparison. The stretch this time burned more than when you touched yourself, and you whined while shaking your head. “Too much, s’too much.”

Sirius paused for a moment so he could press your legs to your chest with one hand while the other kept moving in and out of you. The sudden switch in position made you gasp, but not as much as when Sirius thrust his fingers hard. “Are you dumb? I told you you had to take everything I gave you. D’you want to make me mad again?”

More tears fell when he curled his fingers, expertly finding that spongy spot inside you that pumped white heat through your veins. The way they twisted resembled a musician fiddling with a harp, your needy whines accompanying them like the main act. “No no, I can take it” you gasped, drowning in bliss as his fingers kept hitting the perfect spots.

You were already so close, Sirius giving you no respite as he quickly pushed his fingers. Your hand gripped his arm, fingertips digging the ink-covered skin. “C-close,” you whined, eyes rolling back and mouth open as you felt the tension ready to break.

“Going to make more of a mess, angel?” he grumbled, and you tried to nod as much as you could in your constricted position. Sirius chuckled, “Dirty little thing. Go on, I’ve got you.”

You whimpered brokenly as he pulled another orgasm from you. It felt like his fingertips were scrapping your insides to drag it out, and your feet dangled in the air as you swung them while trying to grab his wrist to stop him from moving.

Sirius couldn’t tear his eyes from you, with your pretty tears dripping down your cheeks and your chest heaving with small sobs from how good you felt. For him, all for him and only ever for him, because no one had ever touched you like he has and no one else ever would. “You look so pretty like this,” he cooed. “God I love your tears, baby, look how hard you make me.”

Your eyes moved down his body—when had he taken off his shirt? His tattoos splayed over his toned muscles made you clench around his fingers. You adored the small drawings that covered most of his body, they looked so beautiful on him and you just wanted to cry even more at how pretty your boyfriend was. When your eyes moved lower, following his previous instruction, you could see there was already a bulge in his pants that you knew was his cock, and your mouth watered at the thought of it just resting against his stomach like it did the first time you sucked him.

“I wanna feel you,” you cried while stretching your hands to touch him. He let you, your soft palms going over his chest and grabbing his shoulders so you could pull him down. “Kissie,” you breathed, letting his lips hover over yours for a second before kissing you hard and messily. His tongue played with yours and it only added more fuel to the fire inside you.

A moan broke you apart when his fingers resumed their pace, “P-please, no more” you babbled, the stimulation too much to bear.

“How are you gonna take my cock if you can’t take my fingers, hm?” He asked and you whined, his fingers burying themselves up to his knuckles and making your eyes roll back once more. Your mouth was dry from being constantly open, whimpers and moans constantly escaping from the open cavity. “Come on, one more, I know you have it in you. My good girl aren’t you?”

The squelching sounds were so dirty and they rang through your ears,  yet even through your fuzzy mind you could discern the important words, “Y-your good girl,” you managed to get out with a smile, glad to be praised by him.

His other hand pressed down on your legs even more, and now you could see the way the digits moved in and out of you, a slight sheen coating the skin every time they came out. “God, you were right, bunny, you are tight,” he grunted, “I don’t think I’ll ever fit, m’gonna break you.”

At that, your eyes widened. “No no, you’ll fit, daddy!” But he just chuckled at your desperation, “M’gonna break you in half, angel. Do you want that? Do you want me to split you open?”

A small chant of ’yes’ and ‘please’ echoed through the room. You could feel another wave coming, ready to wash over you as your toes curled in anticipation. It was like you were dangling on the edge, your hands holding on for dear life as you tried to hold on, and your moans grew louder and louder with every thrust Sirius gave.

Your clenching walls around his digits were warning enough for him, and he kept his eyes on your form as you struggled to keep it at bay, waiting for his permission. He watched as your ring clad fingers scrambled to the sheets, gripping them tightly as your head moved from side to side. “That’s it, bunny, let go f’me” and with one harsh thrust, you slackened the hold you had on your release and finally let go.

If you felt like you were still on your body you would’ve screamed. A white heat engulfed you as your vision grew hazy, your hips raising of their own accord and aiding Sirius in dragging your orgasm out. You looked so beautiful like this, a sweaty sheen on your skin and now tangled up hair sticking to your forehead. Sirius leant down, tongue cleaning the fallen tears before they dried, and you couldn’t help the moan that escaped you.

He grabbed your face, squishing your spit covered cheeks. “What do you say, angel?”

With a shuddering breath, you looked into his stormy eyes as he cleaned your release from his fingers with his tongue. “Thank you, daddy.”

You tried to lower your legs, but Sirius kept them in place. You stared at him, confused, yet he was staring at your puffy cunt, all shiny and stretched out for him. A smirk covered his lips as he finally looked at you, “I think y’re finally ready for m’cock, angel.”

TAGLIST: @ildm4ev @capsmischief @dracosafety @dracoxgeorge @roonilwazlibswhore @lovelylupinx @sarcasmismyon1ydefence @marxy-06 @remusjlupinisdead @mattefic @artisancowbells @zzzfour @emmaev @gxtitobxby @sam-hollandsgirl —if you want to be tagged tap here

[siriusly-parker]

—rant, tlou.

[002.]

omg i honestly didn’t even think anyone would see my rants let alone agree with me, but i’m really glad it is the case

i was honestly just so mind boggled by the amount of hate tlou2 received

and how the big arguments are such bullshit or simply wrong (like calling abby trans??)

so when i went to dive deeper into some reviews and articles to understand what all the fuss is about it mostly just came down to ignorance

one thing that i really really wanted to discuss was this review that was left on google. they gave it 1 star and it’s the first review of the game that comes up. the problem? it’s the same as the two after it. the three first google reviews are the exact same. copy paste. 1 star. it’s not people sharing their opinion about the game, it’s people copy pasting a badly written 1 star review just to give the game a bad rep. even when the game came out, it had a bunch of 1 star review in the FIRST HOUR or release, when the game takes 15-25 hours to complete.

this is gonna be long but idc it’s just for me to have peace of mind tbh. i’ll break down every single hate comment tlou2 has ever received if thats what i need to do

i’d literally love to write an essay about tlou there’s just so much to say! but for now i’ll just rant lol

so here is the copy pasted review, i colour-coded it so it’d be easier to comment on ▾

꩜ the gameplay was average for the modern gaming industry? there’s really not much to discuss here lol, the gameplay was incredible. even on bad reviews they always start with: the gameplay was insanely good but the story was shit. people hate on the story cause they’re mad our sexy daddy joel died (same) but nobody questions the gameplay. shut up. it being hella good was a general consensus lol.

꩜ more cutscenes and walking than gameplay. tlou is and always has been a story driven game and the gameplay/cutscenes ratio is perfect for that. if it were me tbh i’d have more cutscenes, but i think its perfect as it is and from what i’ve seen/heard, most people agree. there aren’t cutscenes just for the sake of it, they’re all very important. i get that if you just want to kill people then maybe that’s boring for you, but then again, that’s just not what the game is. you can’t shame a game that has never claimed to be constant combat and shooting for not being constant combat and shooting. if you don’t like the amount of story telling in the game then just choose another one tbh that just not a good critique. that was always known and that aspect is not much different from the first game so there’s nothing to complain about really. and for the walking, i dont feel like there was much more walking then the first game. of course the game is longer so there technically is more walking, but the ratio feels pretty much the same. i did feel like there was a bit too much walking and like exploring buildings and taking stuff for me, but that’s because i wanted more cutscenes lol. idk you cant ask less cutscenes AND less walking/exploring, then you’d just be asking for less game lol. walking is part of the gameplay and walking is never just walking there’ll always be infected and enemies and stuff so idk what you want lol.

꩜ they dumb down joel. these people really put all their brain cells to sleep while playing the game huh? being kind ≠ being dumb. constantly being distrustful of people and killing at every minor inconvenience ≠ being smart and strong.

in tlou2 they mostly showed joel in situations where he’s safe. after settling down in jackson, he allowed himself to feel things he couldn’t for decades. he didn’t think about sarah for years, but now he has her picture framed and visible. of course he’s not as tough and cold with ellie, you know what they’ve been through. he loves her and he did everything he thought he should’ve to save her, just to lose her in the end so i get why he tries so hard with her

(which may feel to some players like he’s dumb and weak for trying to get the attention of a little girls and basically being manipulated by her, and it’s a big difference from the big strong smuggler who tortures for information to the now settled down coffee drinking father who’s just trying to reach out to his teen, except the only thing that links them is the journey they’ve been on together. he’s not her dad. she’s not his daughter. so losing her forever is just so much easier and keeping that relationship is so much harder.)

his emotions and his way of handling things felt very real to me. he felt like a dad. it hurt so so bad to see him that way. it truly felt like when you see a big strong father figure close to tears. joel is kind at his core and jackson helped him retrieve that part of himself. him and tommy helped abby without a second thought, because why wouldn’t they? he was settled in a nice little town for four years. even though it was a bit quit for him to change his ways, i think it represents well how he changed. cause ellie went from 14 to 19 and in those formative years you change a LOT (which is also why complaining about how she’s not the same little girl from tlou1 is kinda stupid but ill rant about that later), and i think it was a great way to show how even though joel had already gone through those big life events, he still had a lot of learning and growing to do as well and i think they did that beautifully. + fiction always exaggerates things/feelings to make it more obvious for the audience so that’s always a great excuse lol, but naughty dog, at least in the tlou franchise, has always been great at keeping it very real and simple, very surface level, which is also why i think many gamers might find it hard to read between the line.

⋆ ‧˚ʚ ⋆ ꜝꜞ ⋆

oops i talk way too much omg i thought it’d be shorter but i’m barely three arguments in and i basically wrote a bad book lol. i’m gonna keep going tho cause i don’t really care i just don’t know if i should like keep on updating this post or make multiple part? anyways- if you care plz tell me!! also feel free to send me asks about tlou to discuss it or anything i (clearly) love to share my opinion haha and i love talking with you guys!!

ALSO IF YOU START YOUR ARGUMENT BY CALLING WOMEN “FEMALES” JUST STOP RIGHT THERE. your opinion has no more value sorry i don’t make the rules.

[crybabykiko]

I'm not sure if u take requests but if u do could u write a NSFW alphabet for Issei?¿ ♡

So lemme tell you something- I got this req and the first thing that came out of my mouth was BIIIIIIIIITTTTCCCCHHHHHH

And I proceeded to scream cry and yell about this for idk how long. I put so much thought into this- I literally wrote it in almost one night completely. I have SO much to say about this man. My Issei brainrot is only fueled by my stupid horny Pisces brain- WHICH HE ALSO HAS god bless him. Anyway enough about me this turned my mind into soup and it all fell out of my ears enjoy ur fucking horse cock

NSFW Alphabet- Matsukawa Issei

No thoughts head he. 😌

gn!reader focused, obviously nsfw....

𝕬 - 𝕬𝖋𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖊

Best Service Dom. Best Dom EVER. Anything you want you get, you have to only say the words. Food? Already ordered so it would be there by the time you finished. Cuddles? His arms are wide open and his body is very warm. Sit in a bubble bath and scroll through your favorite online stores? The bath is nice and warm and his credit card is at your disposal. He takes amazing care of you, and will stop at nothing to make you feel secure/safe/happy at all times..

𝕭 - 𝕭𝖔𝖉𝖞 𝕻𝖆𝖗𝖙

Welll…. I… we all know what it is. I’ll explain more later but in addition to that he also has the most amazing arms/abs. He’s very lean, definitely naturally so. Doesn’t need to work out but does so anyway keep toned.

𝕮 - 𝕮𝖚𝖒

Likes to cum inside you, but simply so that he can watch it ooze out of your hole. Sometimes he’ll even keep fucking you after he’s finished to see himself push it back in even after it’s out.

𝕯 - 𝕯𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖞 𝕾𝖊𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖙

I hate adding this but he has a foot fetish. Not like a hardcore creepy kind of foot fetish- he just likes to suck a toe here and there. But only if they’re freshly pedicured… he’s very picky. He’ll give foot massages all the time tho if you ask him. He just never tells anyone about it because he knows his friends will clown him.

Not ur foot but close enough he would get you one of those little golden name anklets and kiss it every time he lifts your leg over his shoulder. 👀🦋

𝕰 - 𝕰𝖝𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊

Absolutely. He’s done a lot in his life, and is not short on any stories of past encounters. He is kind of a sex encyclopedia, but he’s very casual about it. If you bri bc up something you wanna try, 11/10 times he’s going to not only have done it, but be able to suggest ways for you to make it better- with several anecdotes.

𝕱 - 𝕱𝖆𝖛𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖙𝖊 𝕻𝖔𝖘𝖎𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

Doesn’t just like doggy- it is his lifeblood. It’s easier for him to control your movements while also making sure that he can bury himself all the way inside. He can have a vice grip on your hips one moment, his fists full of your hair the next- and if he starts spanking you well… that’s between you two and god.

He does like plain old missionary too, but only bc he can see himself in your tummy.

𝕲 - 𝕲𝖔𝖔𝖋𝖞

It makes him laugh sometimes when you struggle to take him all at once. He thinks it cute that you try, but it’s hilarious how big your head gets sometimes. He has to fuck you dumb and remind you that you can’t do that.

𝕳 - 𝕳𝖆𝖎𝖗

Trims, but not super short. He does wax his happy trail tho bc it makes him self-conscious.

𝕴 - 𝕴𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖒𝖆𝖈𝖞

Can actually be very romantic if he wants to. He is a Pisces, after all. He does enjoy foreplay and the sensuality of that to get you prepped, and he takes extra care to make sure you’re fully ready. He is going to be hard on you, but understands that he has to take good care of you, and he does

𝕵 - 𝕵𝖆𝖈𝖐 𝕺𝖋𝖋

Daily. At least once. It keeps the stress away and livens his mood. He does it as soon as he wakes up, and then if he’s having a really hard day or difficulty sleeping, he can do it to ease his nerves.

𝕶 - 𝕶𝖎𝖓𝖐

Size, obvious because everyone is smaller than him Skdkfkf he’s a giant. He’s 6’2 and his cock is at least 3 feet of that.

Daddy Kink, self explanatory mostly. It’s just so fucking sweet on his ears, his baby cooing for their daddy, trying so hard to work his entire cock into their tiny hole, trying to be so good for him… he loses it every time.

Voyeurism, likes watching you touch yourself. He finds it amusing how you think you can get yourself there without his help. You both know that’s impossible, but it turns him on to see you try.

Praise, again- he loves to make you feel special. And you work so hard fitting all of him inside, he has to tell you how good of a job you’re doing, especially because he’s appreciative of you letting him impale you. He has to let you know.

Mutual Masturbation, Kinda goes with voyeurism. If you’re away from each other, you’re definitely going to have sex via FaceTime- he just wants to see you, and also wants you to see him. To him, it lets you know you’re the only one that can get him there, and that your presence alone- even if he’s not touching you, is more than enough.

Lingerie, Loves nothing more than seeing you all pretty for him. He also just really likes the feeling of lace or silk against his fingertips He can get out of control and rip your sets tho- but don’t worry, death is a very lucrative business- He will buy you several replacements.

𝕷 - 𝕷𝖔𝖈𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

LOVES car sex. If the mood strikes, he WILL pull over. But really, he’ll take it wherever he can get it.

𝕸 - 𝕸𝖔𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

He’s very eager to please. A little lazy, yes, but at his core he wants to make sure you’re feeling good.

𝕹 - 𝕹𝖔!

He has done literally everything at least once and the one thing he just can’t get into is piss. One bad experience and a 3 month uti later he’s sworn off it for good.

𝕺 - 𝕺𝖗𝖆𝖑

Not his favorite. He could honestly go with or without it personally, just because there’s so much of him. But he will happily fuck your throat if you want him to, and will go down on you for hours to make sure you’re truly prepped. For someone who’s not a big fan of it, he’s actually AMAZING with his mouth. It’s lazy but in the best way possible.

𝕻 - 𝕻𝖆𝖈𝖊

Starts off slow so you’re good to go, but will pick up the pace as you stretch out. He does enjoy a few slow deep thrusts in between drilling you into oblivion tho. He never tries to make your guts into a smoothie on purpose, it just kinda happens that way.

𝕼 - 𝕼𝖚𝖎𝖈𝖐𝖎𝖊

He will never say no to quickie. The amount of fast food bathrooms and abandoned parking lots you’ve seen is astronomical. The amount of times Makki has kicked you out of his apartment for trying something while he goes to the bathroom is even higher.

𝕽 - 𝕽𝖎𝖘𝖐

He's the classic degen. bf who reaches across the table at the same time as your dad when you go “daddy can you pass the salt?”

So yes, he’s definitely going to tease you under a table at thanksgiving dinner.

He’s really going to have you whenever he wants- even if it comes at the expense of your pride/morals sometimes.

𝕾 - 𝕾𝖙𝖆𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖆

Can go on forever if you let him. Will overstim you to hell and back before he even thinks about cumming. Doesn’t even know he’s doing it- he’s so used to fucking you brainless that he doesn’t realize it’s too much. But he is SUPER apologetic about it and will make sure to treat you extra carefully.

𝕿 - 𝕿𝖔𝖞

He actually has a few for when he’s feeling lazy. He used to run through fleshlights like they were tictacs but he’s since finally found one that he won’t break.

He got most of them for free because he worked in a sex shop during college- he was very popular.

𝖀 - 𝖀𝖓𝖋𝖆𝖎𝖗

Yes. He will 100% rile you up with touches that seem innocent enough in nature, but are a tad bit too low, or linger on for a bit too long.

Will also give you “the look” in public and pretend he doesn’t know what you’re talking about- he definitely does.

𝖁 - 𝖁𝖔𝖑𝖚𝖒𝖊

Vocal in bed, especially with praise. Will constantly tell you how good you’re doing or how good you feel. Doesn’t moan a lot, but they slip out from time to time. Instead it’s a lot of deep breaths, groans, and curses.

𝖂 - 𝖂𝖎𝖑𝖉𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖉

If mortuary school hadn’t have worked out, he and Makki were going to start their own porn company. They actually have a very solid business plan. They made a pact to sit on it for now, since Issei is working at the funeral home.

𝖃 - 𝖃-𝕽𝖆𝖞

LMFAOOOOO

Literally a foot long. Longer actually. I’m going to honestly say 13. No I won’t take it back. Perfect thickness too. Honestly it’s like… god really took his time and got it fucking right. Everything about his physique is perfect- it would only make sense his cock is that perfect to match. Color is even all around, the head is bubblegum pink. There’s also one very prominent vein on the underside, and a few tinier trails of veins on the top. The statue of David? Don’t know her. Only know the statue of Issei.

𝖄 - 𝖄𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌

High sex drive, but he can keep it subdued if he has to. Especially because he knows he’s too much for most people. He's not shy about it though. Is CONSTANTLY horny on main. Not that you mind.

𝖅 - 𝖅𝖟𝖟

Service Dom through and through. He won’t sleep until you do, and even if he’s dead tired, he won’t sleep at all if you’re staying awake. He’s going to do everything to take care of you and your needs first. When you do sleep he likes to hold your head to his chest and will press his nose down into your hair so he can fall asleep surrounded by your scent.

Taglist Starseeds (check ur privacy settings if your url is in bold): @honey-makki @crushzone @yumekosgamblingroom @boujiesav @onesingleravioli @ushijimasfarmhat @trouvelle @nekoma-hoe @right-shoe-jpg @atsumusc0ck @ukaic @nivky0-0 @animoozies @charmarsmith

[magniloquent-raven]

Hello! For the I Love You prompt, 96 (“I brought you an umbrella.”) and first kiss please! I love me some fluff

thanks so much for the prompt :D

i wrote some bucklway! hope that’s okay!! and a lot of steve&robin being best friends because i love that for them. (and it’s a modern au)

(posted on ao3)

���-

Robin’s phone buzzes.

Her shift is almost over. Twenty more minutes ‘til freedom and air that doesn’t smell like burnt coffee. She doesn’t need to check her phone yet. It can wait. She’s keeping her eyes fixed forward, watching the door in case customers come in. There’s nobody even on the street outside, but still, it could happen. It’s raining, people come into cafes for shelter all the time.

Stupid, traitor brain doesn’t seem to be getting the message though, because she keeps glancing down at her phone, sitting there on the counter taunting her. She’s looking often enough that Steve’s noticed. She can see him making faces at her out of the corner of her eye.

“Just check, Rob,” he groans.

“Check what,” she asks, deadpan. Steve is unmoved.

“We both know it’s Heather, and we both know you’re dying to know what it says.”

“We don’t know that. It could be…” she pauses, laments the sad state of her social life.

Steve smirks, “I will pay you if you can come up a name right now.” Asshole.

“Your mom. Thanking me for last night,” Robin replies, wiggling two fingers in front of her mouth. Steve bats her hand away, pretending to gag.

“Robin, no.”

“Robin, yes.”

They’re interrupted when her phone buzzes again.

It’s not like she even has a good reason not to check. In fact, not checking is driving her a little nuts. It’s just that she knows it probably is Heather, and her big dumb gay crush is starting to chip away at her withered little soul.

They’d been in the same creative writing class all semester and Robin hadn’t even noticed her beyond the cursory “yeah this girl looks like she’s here on daddy’s dime”. Then their professor had partnered them for some assignment three months ago and…well. Turns out Robin was right, but Heather was also so much more than that. Her father had wanted her to join the family business, be a reporter, but Heather’s heart had always been set on fiction. She had to fight to be allowed to take creative writing, to convince her parents it was even worth their money. The way she talks about writing makes Robin weak in the knees, and the fact that it was an act of rebellion doesn’t hurt either.

And on top of all that she’s got the prettiest smile Robin’s ever seen, and she always smells a little like vanilla.

Long story short, Robin fell hard.

So, letting her unread messages sit there is just easier than having to deal with Heather being all nice and friendly and unattainable, doesn’t matter that it’s making her itchy. Maybe. Probably.

She glances at her phone again.

“If you don’t check, I will.”

“Don’t you dare, Harrington.”

He raises his eyebrows, a challenge.

“Fuck,” she hisses quietly, clenching and unclenching her hands. She knows she’s gonna check but doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction yet. “Goddamnit. Fine.”

“You’re so dramatic.”

It’s her turn to raise her eyebrows. “Pot. Kettle. Yadda yadda. Also, the one about glass houses? I could go on.”

“Please don’t. Just text your girlfriend back.”

“I hate you,” she says, faux cheerful, and grabs her phone.

And freezes.

Heather sent her a selfie. A selfie. She’s standing next to a window, pointing at the rain and pouting, and it’s adorable. Her bottom lip is all shimmery with lip gloss and Robin wants to know what it tastes like. She seems like a strawberry lip gloss kind of girl. Robin’s always liked strawberries.

God, she’s so fucked. And not in the way she wants to be.

There’s also a text. “Worked so hard on my hair this morning, and for WHAT”.

Ugh. It shows. It really does. She’s got a little crown braid, half her hair cascading out of it in glossy waves, a couple stray curls framing her face. It’s a good look.

“Aw. She’s just down the street, you know, you should help her out,” Steve says, right next to her ear. She jumps, turns around and swats him away.

“Stop reading over my shoulder!”

He ignores her, “Girls love a good romantic gesture,” he says, nodding like he thinks he’s being wise. There’s a smug little smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth that ruins the whole look.

“Like you would know.”

“I’m in a committed relationship!”

“Yeah, with Hargrove. I don’t trust any of your dating advice.” Robin crosses her arms. She’s better at hiding her grin than he is.

“Oh, come on, you love Billy.”

“Sure, but I wouldn’t date him.”

Steve opens his mouth. Closes it. He looks so genuinely flummoxed that Robin finally breaks, snickering.

She turns her attention back to her phone. The selfie. Heather is wearing her work apron, smeared with paint. Steve was right, she’s just down the street at that weird little pottery-making place Robin walks by every day but never actually pays much attention to.

And Robin did bring an umbrella to work…

“But what if—” Robin blurts, then bites her lip. She picks at her fingernails, chipping at the bits of polish she has left. It’s a stupid idea. It’s just another dumb crush on another girl who will never feel the same. She’s done this before, she can deal with just…waiting it out. No need to rush the inevitable devastating end with a gesture that would one hundred percent blow up in her face.

“Hey.” Steve startles her out of her thoughts. His voice is soft, and he’s got his Bambi face on, all big-eyed and dewy. “Heather’s different, okay?”

Of course he could see it written all over her face. Stupid Steve and his stupid empathy and kindness, making her feel all seen.

“I really think it would work out, Robin.”

“You don’t know that,” she says quietly.

“No, nobody knows, but you gotta go for it anyways if you want to be happy.”

He’s right. She knows he’s right, but her stomach is still churning, nauseated by anxiety. It’s just an umbrella. She’d just be bringing her an umbrella. It doesn’t even have to mean anything.

“Go, before she finishes her shift,” Steve urges, “I’ll cover for you.”

Robin throws her arms around his neck. “You know I love you, right?” she mumbles, muffled against his shoulder. She doesn’t say it a lot, not while sober, but she’s feeling mushy.

“Yeah, yeah, get in line,” Steve chuckles, tone impossibly fond, and hugs her back. “I love you too, now go.”

She goes. Runs down the road like a madwoman, clutching her umbrella. For some reason she doesn’t think to open it, so she’s soaked by the time she gets to the end of the street, hair sticking to her forehead and dripping in her eyes.

Which is probably why she doesn’t see Heather as she flings the door open, nearly hitting her with it in the process.

“Robin?” she exclaims, dancing out of the way just in time. She’s even more stunning in person, and Robin is suddenly very aware that she’s a mess.

“Um. Hi.”

Heather’s blinking at her. Her eyeliner’s a little smudged. Robin’s never wanted to kiss someone more.

“Are…you okay?”

“I brought you an umbrella!”

“What?”

Robin holds it up, too embarrassed to speak. She’s getting rainwater all over the floor, and she kind of feels like she’s going to faint, lightheaded and weak in the knees. The only thing grounding her is how heavy the knot of anxiety in her gut is.

“Oh!” Heather smiles, slow and careful, “You…” She’s looking at Robin more closely now, eyes scrutinizing. 

The silence is making Robin fidget, and more words come pouring out suddenly, “Your hair. It looks really nice, and I just thought. You know. It would be a shame to, um. It’s just that you’re very pretty? I mean–” she stops, and begins planning out her new life as a hermit, preferably in a different country. 

“What…would you do if I kissed you right now?” Heather asks softly, almost shy.

Robin drops the umbrella.

“I—” she stutters, giggles a little hysterically, her brain somehow both blank and working overtime, “Probably pass out, honestly.”

Heather’s a lot closer than she was before, faint traces of vanilla still discernible under the earthy smell of clay. “Please don’t,” she laughs, and takes Robin’s face in her hands.

They both lean in, closing the gap between them. Robin’s still shaky, trying to steady herself by grabbing Heather’s waist but it only makes her knees wobble more.

Heather’s lip gloss isn’t strawberry, it’s peach. The discovery makes Robin smile against her mouth. She’s never been happier being wrong.

[aidenoes]

Im kinda bored so this is a little story time about a toxic best friend i had for many many years

Tw : s*lf-h*rm, s*icid*l thought, forced coming-out

To make the story easier let's call her Fish.

So... it started in primary school, i had moved out into a new city when i was in 3rd grade. That's when i first met her and we never really talked much. Then came 5th grade when we actually became friends.

And middle school happened and that's when everything went downhill real fast. In 6th grade i was still friend with her and i tried to get along with her other friend who was a bitch at that time, and i was too, so we never got along (even tho she is now my best friend bc we realised how much Fish was toxic lmao). So i had made new friends and she had too but we still made up over time and the other girl wasn't hanging out with us anymore.

Moving on to 7th, there was a new girl that came at the school at the beginning of the school year (who is also my bestfriend, props to her for staying with me all these years) and Fish immediately started talking to her. Eventually we have a group of 5 friends :me, her, our boyfriends and the new girl. The thing is that there was a trend of s*lf-h*rming yourself just to pretend to be depressed and sad, and Fish was one of the people who followed that trend. Me, being an absolute idiot, had no idea of the gravity. Well, i mean, i knew it was bad but my bestfriend was doing it so it's fine right ? No, it was not and i almost gave in to but i was afraid to harm myself so i never did. And that example is just to show how much i copied her, i destroyed my relationship bc i wanted to be like her and my ex-boyfriend was so good to me. Her relationship was like an light switch, you never knew when they were back together or not. We also had a skype group and messenger group of just three people: me, her and the new girl. Me and the new girl would badly roleplay and she would tell me, and only me, that i was cringy and leave the group chat like that. And i had no right to tell her i didn't like something about her, but she could though ? I let it slip anyway. I thought i was really happy, then came the worst year of my school life.

8th grade. At this point, Fish and her boyfriend had broken since he apparently abused her (im not sure since she is prone to lying) but i was still in good terms with him. Well we were not the best of friends but i wouldn't punch him (now i would bc he became such a fucking dick). But Fish started to become distant, as if she didn't want me around anymore but i ignored it thinking it was all in my head. One day, our teacher assigned us new places in class and i was next to her ex-boyfriend. We of course talked in class and laughed together. But out of nowhere, she started doing the sign where you slit your throat with your finger, y'know ? I thought she was doing it for kidding and i was just really confused, it was break after that class anyway so i can ask her wtf that was. She came to me and thought i was plotting against her with her ex-boyfriend and just told me to go fuck myself basically. I waited for my now ex-boyfriend and my friend to come-out of their class and explained to them what happened while containing my tears. They tried to go to her and try to understand wtf went wrong and funfact: nothing went wrong and she was just being a bitch and i later learned she just wanted to move on and discard everything from the past year, including me. But i didn't know that, i thought i broke everything, i thought i broke our group friend, i felt guilty and i felt, alone. My boyfriend that got out of school just before me went to my mom that was there to come pick me up, that i wasnt really well and he went away when i got out. My mom did ask me what was wrong and i told her that i'll explain when we're home. At home i explained everything and broke down in my moms arm, i dont know if i cried out of anger or sadness, but seeing me cry was enough for my mom to hate her with all her guts. I've felt so lonely after that. I had no one to eat lunch with, i had no one to be in group in class with and i had no idea of how to occupy my brain when i had no one to talk to, i read in the morning waiting for the friends i had left, i would draw whenever i had to wait alone and i would eat fast to get out the fastest possible. I also lost everything i was since at that time i was like a sponge of personality and just squeeze out whatever the personality people wanted out of me. I had lost everything and i didn't want to be here anymore, i just wanted to die honestly. And i think i wouldve if i didnt think there was my family and my friends. However, it does not end here ! Bc my dumb ass made so many more mistakes ! Bc one day in our technology class i had to work with her for an assignment and we gradually made up until we became friend again, but i was still wary of her and my s*icidal thoughts were still very present. So i was still very toxic and pushing the people that were there for me away. My boyfriend broke up with me. I didnt know what to do, but looking back this was such a good decision for him and for me. I am so thankful for him to have broke up with me, but at that moment i was a bit hurt but at the same time i saw it coming so i had so time to grief about it. A month later my mom decided to bring me to Mauritius (where she is from) bc she thought i had a hard time no having her around for the first time which is kinda true but not all the truth. I had no wifi and no way of contacting anyone. That was so refreshing ! That's when i started to understand that i had the right to think for myself first and not be a fucking carpet for everyone to walk on. I was not out of the shit but i started to understand how to get out.

9th grade, was my savior. This was the best year of my life with nothing to worry about except an exam at the end. You remember the girl in 6th grade that was a bitch ? Yeah we became close friends during that year bc i realised she was a bitch bc she was badly influenced on in 6th and 5th grade. And the new girl remember her ? That's also the year when we got close, the year where we became best friends, when i learned to be and love myself and the year when i started to stand up for myself. I have some bad daddy issues and i have almost always shared my problems with Fish but i started sharing less toward the end of 8th grade. One day i was complaining that i had to be basically the messenger bird of my parents and she looked at me annoyed and tell me 'why don't you go to the police ?'. Like we didnt ??? Like she thinks that my dad was harassing my mom and we didnt ?? That's basically saying 'don't be' to someone who is sad. And i explained that to her and she was like 'don't complain to me if you're going to flip off like that when im giving you a solution', excuse me bitch... what ? I was hella mad. She came fake apologising like a few weeks later. And one day she came out to me as pansexual, great for her, and i was also questionning my gender and thought i was genderfluid so i came out to her. She was like 'oh ok' and i sent her some memes about genderfluidity and she was like 'stop this is annoying'. So i shut my trap. I also learned that during a school i didnt went she faked some anxiety and was being a bitch bc her friend wouldnt come to a shop with her even so another one was ok with going with her. I eventually started to understand that she was bad for my mental health, so i just started ghosting her bc i just didnt want to talk with her anymore and i didnt know how to confront her. She came up and grabbed and pulled me by my backpack that was full of shit just to ask me why i didnt answer to one of her text. I was so scared i just told her i wasnt feeling well and just told her i needed time. The year went by it was great and i didnt want to be in cold with Fish but i also didnt want to be her friend, i wanted to just be classmates, however when she was told this she understood : 'they want to be friend again'. So she clung with us next year.

10th grade, was last year and was full of drama. And we only had 6 months of school. 10th grade is the first year of highschool and the only year where we don't have an exam. I also had a forced new friend that we're going to call Taz so we don't get mixed up. She was also very clingy and it felt like having a leech stuck to me. And Fish was being very, let's say embarrassing and making us feel uncomfortable. She would make ton of sexual joke and we told her it was making us uncomfortable but she would apologise just to do it again the week later so we just gave up. She also outed me in class, thankfully the class was really noisy and only my bestfriend heard it but this fucking bitch just asked outta nowhere 'so you're still on this whole thing about being genderfluid or what ?' And she wasnt talking low, she was talking loud and clear. I felt so embarras and i hoped that no one else heard it. I answered as very quietly 'no.. i think im genderqueer now' and she just said ok. That's also around when i discovered im bi so i was so glad that i didnt tell her about that. And a few months later there was some shit going around about bullying and Fish was one of the targets. And let's say that our english teacher held up a trial so i opened up my big ass mouth to talk and defend Fish. And guess what, Taz just blurted out that i and my best friend were bullying her. Excuse me ? I defended her ass and when i talked to her about it she told me 'no you didnt, you just yelled at me once in physics'. So bc i yelled at her bc she wouldnt listen to me when we had to work i bullied her ? What a thank ! And when i tried to talk it out with Taz, she fucking ignored me and left. I was enraged. I was crying out of fucking rage and still aced a test in english. At the end i explained everything to my crush while i was walking home with her bc she lived next to my moms restaurant. When i stepped into the restaurant, there was my moms friend, which im kinda close to, and my mom who asked me how was my day i cried out of anger. They comforted me and supported me. At school, one day the assistant director called me and my best friend in his office. And told us that in highschool there are no bullying only misunderstandings (i dont really agree with that but anyway) and asked us our side of the story. We explained that we didnt get along with her anymore and made it very clear that we were uncomfortable with her but she wouldnt take a hint. And we left the office just like that. The assistant director probably told Fish our side and she never went to talk with us bc of covid.

Now, im in 11th grade, we do not talk anymore and this feel so much better. Now i'll just drop some bonus drama

She accused me of drowning her when it was her ex-boyfriend that did and made her scared of water, while i was there to support her when she was dealing with her phobia.

And her mom thought that i was a bad influence for her sweet sweet daughter when she was the one to incite me to c*t myself like paper, wow ok.

This is just a personal share and just maybe a way for others to recognise the toxic behaviors of fake friends.

[zodiyack]

Human

Pairing: R x reader

Warnings: Swearing, violence, guns, zombies, death, SPOILERS

Words: 3218

Note: So this is different from the movie in a few ways, one is that R isn’t interested in Julie. He’s interested in the reader who is Julie’s godsister. Also I wrote half of this at like 4 am and I was super tired, and the rest was written today around 12 pm so please excuse any randomness!! Hope you guys enjoy!

masterlist

A pair of eyes were felt on Y/n’s back. It happened a lot recently, but only when she was with Julie outside of the wall. Honestly, it was strange. The only thing with eyes outside of the wall were zombies, and if a zombie was staring at her, wouldn’t it want to eat her instead of just observing her?

The thought could be tested out today. Y/n, Julie, Julie’s boyfriend, and a couple of their other friends were being sent to scavenge by Julie’s father. Guns were brought with them, specific instructions to shoot for the head and not get bitten.

Perry and Nora were the only people Y/n knew besides Julie. Meaning Julie’s boyfriend and best friend. Y/n grew up with Julie, her dad was Y/n’s godfather. They were close and quite similar, but unlike Julie, Y/n preferred staying inside and exploring the house, finding every hiding spot and every hidden thing. She was a rather interesting child.

“Darling? What are you doing on the floor?”

“Hello Father! Mommy told me that I should get used to the house, explore a little since we’ll be staying here for a long time.” 

It wasn’t her fault. Her mother and father moved in with Julie and her father when the apocalypse started. She wasn’t one to prevent anyone from knowing the truth due to their age or innocence, so after her parents went out to scavenge and didn’t come back, she demanded to know what had happened.

Julie’s dad told her that there were monsters and the walls were the only things protecting her now that her mommy and daddy went to go fight them. She knew it was a lie. Her mother told her earlier that day.

“Sweetie...Mommy and Daddy are going to go and get some stuff for us and our group here. We might not come back, so there’s a few things we want you to know. First,” she stroked her daughter’s cheek, then lifting her onto her lap. “Know that we love you, and we always will. Second, talk to Grigio if we don’t come back for a while. And finally. There’s something I need to know you can handle.”

The once innocent little girl nodded quickly, not caring if she could actual handle what was going to be said.

“Good. There are...zombies in the world. Creatures that are undead and feast on the flesh of humans. They have no emotion, no pain, nothing human about them except for the fact that they once were one.”

“Mommy...”

“Yes my darling?”

“Do you think they’ll ever be human again?”

“I don’t know sweetie...hopefully, one day, there will a be a time where humans can be normal again. And the wall will go down, and we won’t have to worry about surviving.”

So that’s what she did. She followed her mother’s instructions, and talked to Julie’s dad. After he had tried to make it seem not very scary, seeing as she was still a young child, she surprised him. She leaned in close to him, the only emotions on her face being sorrow and anger, and she whispered,

“Give me a gun. Teach me how to put a bullet in those fucker’s heads. Let me teach them what happens when you take my family away from me.”

Y/n wiped a tear from her eye, nodding when Julie asked if she was okay. It was no time for memories or feelings. For every year she’s been alive, Y/n got better at her poker face, keeping in her emotions and everything relating to them. She grabbed her gun, sneaking with the group to the small lab.

It was quiet. Safe. They could talk at a normal s-

The “quiet and safe place” was ruined when Nora asked if anyone could hear something. Julie and Y/n said yes, and Julie told Perry that they should bail. If only he listened.

“Oh hey, we can’t just bail, we have orders. Do you have any idea how much medicine the city goes through a month? We need Pharma Salvage to survive, we can’t just abandon our-”

Julie pushed past him, setting her bag on the counter, “You sound just like my dad.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, wasn’t a compliment.”

Nora stepped in, taking a box out of the cupboard and reading it before tossing it to them. “Oh here guys, take some Prozac. Maybe that’ll cheer you up.” She smiled and went back to searching around. However, this time, she stopped and looked over at the window, breathing in. “I told you I heard something.”

Julie and Y/n aimed their guns at the door while Perry walked to it slowly. This made Julie look over to Y/n and exchange looks of confusion. “Perry?” Julie asked.

“We have orders Jules. There’s nothing anyway,” He turned to face the group, making a big mistake and turning his back towards the door. “You’re being paranoid, okay?”

“Perry!”

The door pushed open, a small crowd of the undead beings running in. The one in front tried to attack Perry, only to get smacked in the face with the butt of his gun. Y/n grabbed her stuff and readied herself to rush out, she counted a head count when the zombies first pushed in. There was a very slim chance all of them could make it out.

She knew it was showing fear, but it was the way she could survive and come back to plan a better revenge. That many zombies against a few young adults? That would be a very dumb idea.

Sadly, before she could make it out, someone had shot her. She fell to the ground, bleeding to death. She could hear Julie yelling at whoever shot her, then rushing over to her aid.

“Y/n, come on, don’t do this. Wake up...wake up god damn it!” Y/n felt Julie’s tears drop onto her face. Y/n felt her breath and heart start to slow. Y/n felt herself die.

The light was blinding, yet so inviting...

1 minute.

2 minutes.

5 minutes.

8 minutes.

11 minutes.

Air. Light. Ground. Guns. Guns? Y/n’s eyes snapped open, her head turning quickly to the sound of gunfire and loud groans. She stood up, blinking and observing her body. Arms, legs? Check. Face, feet? Check. Teeth, torso? Che-

She put a hand on her torso, feeling a small item of cold metal in the middle. Was that...a bullet? She lifted her shirt slightly. Not only had she stopped bleeding, but she was moving weird. Wait... didn’t she just die?

“OH MY GOD!!” It was one of the friends Perry had brought along. They screamed at the sight of Y/n.

Y/n was now feeling the urge to pounce on the person who let out the scream. Her eyes turned dark and she gritted her teeth, running at the person and jumping onto them, sinking her teeth into their shoulder. The screams escaped their mouth again, but these ones were full of agony.

Julie yelled a firm, “NO!” when someone aimed a gun at Y/n. She was her childhood friend, and she wouldn’t let her die...again. Not yet. She may have been a zombie, but this decision would be hard on her no matter what choice she made. “Y/n?”

The girl looked up, climbing off the body that had dropped to the floor. She blinked twice, tilting her head and wiping the blood off her chin. ‘I know this girl,’ she thought. ‘Julie?’ She tried to say her friend’s name, but it only came out as moans. Her eyebrows furrowed and she tried to say it again.

Julie hushed her quickly, not wanting to attract any more unwanted attention. The zombies had already left. Julie’s mom died, making Julie and her father’s worlds hurt like hell. Perry was killed, and Julie’s world was broken. Y/n died before Perry, causing Julie’s world to break even more. Now Y/n was part of the undead, trying to eat her old friends. Julie’s world had officially split in two. 

Was this hell? Was this because she was alive at the time where others who didn’t make it into the wall died? Was this her punishment for surviving and not thinking twice about it? Was this the world’s revenge for all the zombies she’s killed?

It didn’t matter now, ‘cause whatever had sparked in Y/n was gone. All she felt was hunger. It was clawing it’s way into her mind. She charged at another one of the people that was brought with them. She ate as if it was a feast. The others took it as a sign to get the hell out of there, leaving Y/n behind with final looks of sadness and guilt.

. . .

She had been wandering. It’s been what felt like hours. She was hungry again, and that kid had some cheesy memories. Y/n discovered the memory thing after eating Perry’s old friend. She wished she could have more, so she could feel whatever it felt like to be human again.

What was her name again? Y/n/n? No... Y/o/n/n? Y/n! That was it! The zombie part of herself was catching up, and she needed to hold on to whatever was left of her memories. There was a reason they were at that lab...Ah yes, to get Grigio those medicines for the city. But why did Y/n run? She couldn’t remember.

Y/n left the lab after she had finished the brain. Now she wanted to either find more, or to find the other zombies. Any one of the two would be fine with her.

Eyes.

Sorry, what I meant was; Y/n felt a strong number of eyes on her back, eyes on her front and eyes just on her in general. This was new. She had only felt eyes on her back before, so this could mean a good or a bad thing. 

Screeching came from above her, whatever had made the noise hopped down. She turned, as quick as she possibly could. A skeleton? When the fuck did those start moving around and talking on their own?

She didn’t have time to answer that question, ‘cause more skeletons were dropping down and nearing towards her. They looked angry, and honestly, Y/n didn’t want to piss off anything that could kill her again. For the first time...she was afraid.

“R-rrun.”

Her head snapped over to the new voice. He was the zombie that had been stalking her, same red hoodie and dark hair. He could talk though, and zombies can’t talk. He dragged out letters with his breath...or what would’ve been breath if he was alive. He stuttered over some of them, not used to speaking human words.

Y/n didn’t move. In response to her choice of action, the zombie leaned in closer to her, whispering a warning that would hopefully change her mind.

“Thhhhhey k-k-kill a-annything in t-their wa-a-ay.” He turned to face her fully, grabbing her jacket sleeve and pulling her away from the area slowly. They sped up the farther they got.

Finally, they arrived at a plane, which the zombie helped Y/n into before he got in himself. He put on a record and sat down, studying Y/n. It was nice to have company in the place he called home. Maybe she was like him?

“M-my naame is R...Cc-an you sppeeeak?”

She only turned to him and let out the lazy moan he was all too used to hearing.

“H-hhmmm...”

Maybe she wasn’t like him then. She was like the other zombies, who could only let out moans and groans. R and his best friend could speak. Well, R’s best friend could speak a little bit, he could say a few words. R and him had conversations. And in the conversations, it was mostly breathing out H’s and other letters. It was the best they could do, they’re zombies for goodness sakes.

There had to be something he could do. Could he teach her? R looked over at Y/n again, she was picking up objects and inspecting them with great curiosity. Yes. That’s what he would do. He would teach her how to be like him. He would teach her whatever she needed to know about zombies and boneys, as well as what he thought would be nice to know.

He knew her name from the lab. He knew stuff about her from Perry’s brain. He knew things about her from watching her whenever she visited the other side of the wall. Y/n L/n was a killing machine who had been killed by someone from her own side. R felt like it was now his responsibility to care for and guide Y/n.

He felt human whenever he saw her. Now, she was dead, like him. R looked back down at his lap. He still had some of Perry’s brain with him... R grabbed out a chunk and looked over to Y/n. She was observing the new environment again, her face making new emotions at different objects. She reminded R of himself when he had first looked at the foreign items.

“Hhh-hherre.” R tossed her the chunk. He watched her eat it quickly, as if she had been starved and was eating the first meal she’s had in weeks. Once she was finished, she looked up at him.

“Thhhak yyyoo-” She couldn’t quite form whole words yet, but it still made R happy. He taught her every day for the two months she’d been with him. They grew closer and closer. Some would say they were in love. 

However, they were undead. They couldn’t feel human emotions.

. . .

“Y/n? You okay?”

Her eyes blinked open slowly, looking around and taking in the oddly normal world. Julie and Nora were at her sides. “Shit. What happened?”

“You and that boyfriend of yours took a nasty fall into that fountain...do you not remember?”

“R!” The boneys were catching up. It was a dead end. They were done for.

The zombies teamed up with the humans after Julie found Y/n and R. She stayed with them for a while, finding the presence of her childhood friend comforting, even if she was a member of the undead. Neither Y/n or R tried to eat or attack Julie. And later, Julie found out that her time with her godsister had done something to her and the other zombie. It made them feel alive, human.

R and Y/n found the rest of the zombies, spreading the warmth into their hearts as well. They were dead, yet alive.

Unfortunately, not all undead things liked the thought of becoming human again. The boneys were angered beyond belief, and now, the zombies just counted as another one of their food sources. Y/n was forced into hiding, she was the one the boneys blamed, so she was the one they wanted to kill first.

R had gone to find Julie, she was their only hope. He found his way through the secret entrance and exit Julie showed them. He made it into the city, finding Julie right away. Nora met R fully that night, and Julie and her gave R a makeover. They taught him how to pronounce words, how to speak the most human-like he could. Then, they brought him to Grigio to inform him of the zombies changing and the boneys plotting.

Y/n saw the door. Their last chance to make it out. It was so high though. There was a chance they could die and not come back. She grabbed onto R’s hoodie, clinging to him with tears forming in her eyes. He wrapped his arms around her and pressed a kiss to her head.

“You okay?”

“N-no R. I-I doon’t want tto lose y-yyou.”

“You won’t.”

The boneys got to the door just as R turned around and leaned backwards. Y/n was in his arms, and he was protecting her from the fall. They held onto each other tightly. R’s back hit the bottom of the fountain slowly, and Y/n fell unconscious.

The black out of her mind didn’t last long. She woke up, spitting water out and coughing. She breathed in the air that was much needed. Her heart was... her heart was beating. It was racing. Where was R? She looked around, panicking. He was still underwater.

She dived into the water, reaching for his limp body and pulling him back up to the surface. “R please! Don’t do this to me! Please! Please...”

R’s eyes snapped open and he breathed in heavily. He smiled at Y/n. She smiled back and smashed her lips against his. R responded and kissed back. Their kiss was full of passion, relief, and joy. Pretty good for a first kiss, and that was said for both of them.

After a few more seconds of kissing, Y/n pulled away. She looked into R’s eyes, once grey and dull like her’s and the other zombie’s, now full of color. Her eyes had done the same. R’s eyes were a beautiful shade of blue, and Y/n’s a breathtaking shade of e/c.

Before anything else could be said or done, R was shot in his shoulder. Y/n turned quickly, it was Grigio. Of course it was.

“Get away from my goddaughter.”

Y/n yelped. She clung onto R. She kept asking if he was okay in between glares at her godfather. He was bleeding. Bleeding. “Stop it! Grigio, he’s alive! I am too! We were both...what the...Grigio. Grigio, he’s bleeding! Corpses don’t bleed!”

Grigio lowered his gun slowly. He didn’t know Y/n came back as well, he thought she was hiding from the corpses. Julie had told him that she saw and talked to Y/n, so it wasn’t entirely his fault for thinking so. But now, he had learned the truth of R and the other undead beings, and he was just going to have to live with it. The rest of his team put down their guns as well.

“See he’s...” Dizzy. Y/n felt dizzy. ‘Splash.’

“R?”

“Yes Y/n, your friend R?”

“Boyfriend actually.”

All three of the girl’s heads turned, facing the now bandaged and cleaned R. He put on new clothes and combed his hair. He waved at them and walked closer.

“Look at you, all fancy and stuff.” Nora teased R. “Now, come on Julie, lets leave the lovebirds alone, okay?”

Julie followed Nora after hugging her godsister goodbye. Now that they were gone, R moved over to Y/n, hugging her into his side with one arm. They sat like that for a moment.

“R. Do you think you remember the rest of your name?”

“No...Sadly not.”

“Do you think it was anything like Roy? Richard? Ricky? Riley? You can change your name if you’d like, since this is kind of a fresh start for you.”

R looked over to his girlfriend, he let out a chuckle at her determined expression. “How about just R.”

“Just R?”

“Just R.”

“Well, R, what do you wanna do with your life now?”

“Hm...how about we just be human for now.”

“I like that idea.” So the two humans sat on the rail of the bridge, watching the sunset. Y/n leaned her head on R’s shoulder and smiled. He loved his human, before she was even his. She once loved her zombie and he once loved his zombie. Now, she loved her human and he loved his human again.

[chickensarentcheap]

Best Part of Me -Chapter 60

Warnings: none

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @alievans007​, @ocfairygodmother​

When she finally wakes, it's with sunshine streaming through the bedroom windows and the digital bedside clock advertising that it’s 10:35. The latter nearly sends her into a blind panic; bolting into a sitting position, eyes still blurry from sleep and her brain groggy as it tries to orientate itself with the unfamiliar surroundings. Momentarily oblivious to the fact that she isn’t at home. Briefly  not only forgetting that she’s actually thousands of miles away, but just WHY she is.

She’d spent the last nine hours in a deep and peaceful slumber; a feat she hasn’t managed to achieve once in the past six years.  Worn out not just from the lack of adequate rest over the course of the last month and a half or from  the gruelling twelve hour flight from Australia, but the hours after the conversation with Tyler that she’d spent dwelling over the pain and the worry that not only tinged his words, but dripped from his voice. He’d never admit just how things are; preferring to suffer in silence under the misconception that he's somehow a burden. It’s a hard habit to break someone of, if not entirely impossible. She’s been working at it for almost seven years now; attempting to not only break down that final barrier he’d long ago built up around himself, but convince him that the second they decided to have a life together, his issues and problems stopped belonging to JUST him. But he’s ferociously stubborn, and years of being raised in an abusive home by an extremely toxic and volatile man,  followed by military life,  has done a lot of damage.  The last effects and scars from physical injuries left behind, but the deepest and most painful wounds festering just under the surface.

She casts a furtive glance towards the cradle at the side of the bed; appreciative of the fully furnished and exquisitely decorated nursery that Anil had provided, but needing the baby as close as possible, at least for the few nights. And her eyes widen and her heart immediately begins thundering in her chest when she finds Addie’s bed empty; devoid of even the stuffed koala -which had once belonged to Millie when she was just newly born- that had been tucked into the corner of the cradle. And she’s ready to toss off the blankets and jump out of bed when a tiny voice pipes up from beside her and puts her worst fears to rest.

“She’s downstairs. With Prisha.”

Esme frowns. “Who’s Prisha?”

Tanner shrugs. “I dunno. I think she’s a nanny or something. But she’s old. Like grandma and Nana Bonnie. Why are there so many people living here? Why do they all do so much work? They clean, they cook, they watch kids. At home, you and daddy do all that stuff.”

“Because Anil has a lot more money than we do and he’s so busy, that he needs to have people taking care of things around the house. Which is bigger than ours. WAY bigger. And when you have a place that’s this big, you need help keeping up with it.”

“Our house is big.”

“By most peoples’ standards. But compared to THIS house, it’s tiny.”

Tanner shrugs. “I like our better, anyway.”

“You don’t like it here? I thought you’d find it pretty cool. TWO pools, a home theatre, all kinds of awesome animals…”

“I like home better. Because it’s home. Because all our stuff is there. I don’t want new stuff, I want OUR stuff. And the beach is there and the smell of the water and the sound of the waves and none of that is here.”

“And it will all still be there when we get back,” she assures him.

“What if we never go back? What if we have to stay here? I don’t wanna stay here. I wanna go back to our house. I wanna go back to our furniture and eating OUR food and sharing a room with TJ. I don’t like not sleeping with him. I’ve always shared a room with him. And I was with him in your tummy too.”

Esme lies back down and rolls onto her side, watching him. One his stomach beside her, knees bent and his bare feet slowly kicking back and forth. Brow furrowed in concentration as he uses a pencil to carefully circle things and fill in blank spaces in the workbook open in front of him. And she reaches out and pushes his hair out of his eyes and off his forehead, then runs a fingertip down the bridge of her nose and taps it against the tip.

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re really cute?” she asks,

“There’s a couple girls in my class that say it all the time.”

"Really?"

He nods. “But I told them I can only be friends because I don’t like girls in THAT way yet. I told them I only love one girl, and that’s mommy.”

“No wonder you’re my favorite.  Sweet talking me like that. What are you doing?”

“Homework.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause I want to.”

“Let me see…” she pulls back the corner of the cover to read the title. “Where did you get this? It’s for kids in grade three.”

“Daddy bought it for me the last time we were in town. ‘Cause he said the stuff at school is way too easy for me”

“And you actually understand what you’re reading?”

“Ummm...yeah…” Tanner gives a heavy sigh and a roll of his eyes. “...of course I do! I’m not stupid. Besides, daddy made me read some to him and made me answer some of the questions before he’d buy it. He said I have a huge brain pan, whatever that means.”

“You honestly can read it and understand it?”

“Mommy, I’m smart like you. Just ‘cause Millie and TJ as dumb, doesn’t mean I am,”

“Okay first off, that’s a little harsh. You brother and sister are not dumb. Far from it. But you? You’re insanely smart. Scary smart. You’re also very grumpy this morning.”

“I’m not grumpy.”

“You ARE. And I have seen that exact frown and those lines in your forehead and those serious eyes a thousand times. You are sounding and looking more like your daddy every day. He gets that same look on his face when he’s grumpy. And what are you wearing?” She tugs at the sleeve of the black and gray Emery t-shirt he sports; miles too big on his slight frame.

“It’s daddy’s. I asked him if I could have one of his shirts before he left and he picked this one and packed it in my bag for me. I wanted something that smells like him ‘cause it helps not miss him so much.”

Tears sparkle in her eyes. That honesty; so pure and so innocent. A little boy that possesses such huge emotions and loves so fiercely. “Oh little nugget…” she tousles his hair. “...you have such a big, sensitive heart. Come here; let me make it so it fits better.”  

She gathers him into her arms and rolls onto her back, and he sits crossed legged on her stomach while she gathers the bottom of the shirt and draws it around his waist; securing it in a knot before doing the same with each shoulder. “We’ll have to buy daddy a new shirt. Something tells me you won’t give him this one back.”

“Imma keep it,” Tanner says, then wraps both arms around her neck and stretches his legs out; pressing himself tightly against her, face nestled against the side of her neck, feeling the soft tickle of those ridiculously long lashes against her skin when he closes his eyes.

Despite how much he hates hearing it, he IS still so very little. Four inches shorter than his brother and at least fifteen pounds lighter; limbs not as long and shoulders much more narrow. But it makes for good cuddles, and she can still pick him up relatively effortlessly and carry him if she has to. And his personality matches his appearance. Softer and more tender hearted than his twin; affection and loving and breathtakingly sensitive and heartbreakingly wise. An old soul in such a little boy. And while TJ is rough and wild and carefree, Tanner is more cautious. Wary, almost. Fiercely protective of his own self. And her own eyes close when she wraps both arms around his slender body and drops a kiss on the top of his head.

“I don’t want to be the little one,” he laments.

“Where did THAT come from?”

“I want to be the big one. I want to be tall and strong. Like daddy. How come I have to be the small one?”

“You’ve always been small, nugget. Even when you were a baby. There’s nothing wrong with being small. I’m small.”

“But you’re a girl. How come I had to be the sick one?”

“It’s just the way it worked out. Sometimes things go wrong when mommies are having babies. And we didn’t know you’d be sick; it just happened. You guys were born too early and you ended up being the much smaller one.”

“And why couldn’t I come out first? I wanna be named after daddy.”

“What does it matter?”

“‘Cause it does. I want daddy’s name. It’s a good name.”

“You don’t like being named Tanner?”

“I’d rather be named Tyler.”

“I have a secret to tell you,” Esme says. “But you have to promise to never tell your brother. Because it would hurt his feelings and we don’t want that, right?”

Tanner nods.

“When you were in my tummy? When daddy and I found out it was two babies and not just one? We decided that I’d pick one name and he’d picked the other. So when we found out we were  having two boys, I said I would name the first that came out and daddy would name the next one. And I decided that I wanted the first to be named Tyler.”

“It was your idea?”

“Yep.” She combs her fingers through his hair and presses a kiss to his forehead. “Daddy didn’t want either of you named after him, but I got my way. And he picked the name Tanner. So you know what that means? You have the name you do because that’s what daddy chose. He wanted you to be named Tanner.”

He raises his head to look at her. “Really?”

“Really. He picked your name. That’s how much he liked it. That’s what he wanted you to be named. And you know what else? You were so sick when you were born, that daddy was the only person allowed to hold you before they took you to take care of you. And he stayed with you for two whole days in the NICU. He slept in a chair beside your bed and he never left; he didn’t want you to be alone and I was too sick too and I wasn’t allowed to see you yet. So it was just you and daddy for a whole forty eight hours.”

“Just us?”

“Just the two of you. And you remember what the doctor told us to do with Addie? When you place her against bare skin? Do you remember? What animal is it named after?”

“A kangaroo. Kangaroo care.”

“That’s it. Well daddy got to that with you, too. Even though you were hooked up to all kinds of wires and tubes, he still got to hold you like that. And the nurses said that was the only time you were nice and calm and never cried.”

“Never?”

“Never. And daddy was really, really sad. Because he was so worried about you. But stayed there  with you the whole time because he already loved you THAT much, and he would have stayed even longer, but someone needed to take care of Millie and TJ and I wanted to spend time with you. But see? Daddy’s always loved you. IT doesn’t matter how small you are or what your name is. He still helped make you. And that’s what matters, right?”

Tanner nods.

“He loves you so much, nugget. Right from the beginning. Right back to when you were still in my tummy and he used to talk to you guys and you’d both kick like crazy whenever you heard his voice. And you were strong even then. You kicked HARD.”

“I did?”

“Daddy would always say that you were going to be a professional soccer player.  Or an MMA fighter. That’s how hard you kicked! And you’re still strong; even stronger than your brother. You’re small, but you’re mighty.”

“Like you. And Addie.”

“Well  maybe not THAT small. But you’re probably going to have a growth spurt when you’re fifteen and end up as tall as daddy. I want you to stay small, though. It’s easier to cuddle you. I LIKE cuddling you. What if you grow big and strong and you don’t want to cuddle me anymore?”

“I will always want to cuddle with you. You’re my mommy. No one gives better cuddles than mommy. No one.”

“So when you are six foot five and weight two hundred pounds and you ARE a bad ass MMA fighter, you’re still going to want to cuddle mommy?”

“Always,” he promises, and presses a kiss to her lips before settling his face against the side of her neck once more.

“Is everyone else downstairs too?” Esme asks.

Tanner nods.

“How come you’re not down there?”

“I was. But I left and came back upstairs.”

“Why?”

Because Anil is trying to be daddy and I don’t like it.”

She frowns. “Trying to be daddy? How…?”

“He made breakfast for us. But nowhere near as good as daddy’s. And he let us sit outside while we ate and he told us cool stories and talked all about the animals he has and told us we could go swimming later. All the stuff daddy does with us, but not as fun. With daddy it’s different. It’s more fun. We get to go surfing and we walk on the beach and collect rocks and shells and stuff. And he’s nice and all that, but he is NOT daddy and I don’t like that he’s trying to be.”

“I don’t think he…”

“I don’t want him taking daddy’s place. I don’t want him thinking he can steal you away from daddy. ‘Cause I like him and all that, I don’t want him to be my dad. I already have a dad and he’s the best dad ever, so…”

“Okay, you know what, nugget? You and I need to have a talk. Sit up. I want you to look at me when I talk to you, alright?”

Tanner nods, then sits up and settles himself between her splayed thighs when she does the same.

“Now listen to me, alright?” She pushes his hair off his forehead, then places her hands on his shoulders. “No one is taking daddy’s place. Because for that to happen, I’d have to be okay with it. And that’s something I will never…ever...be okay with. I don’t want anyone taking his place. Because you know what, your daddy is perfect the way he is. He’s perfect for me and you guys and...”

“But if he dies…”

“Tanner, listen to me. He is NOT going to die. And even if he did...and that’s a huge if...I still wouldn’t be okay with someone taking his place. No one could ever do that. If something happened to him, it would me and your brothers and sisters. That’s it. Understand?”

He nods.

“Your daddy is way more than just your daddy. He’s my husband AND he’s my best friend. And I love him more than I even love myself. And there’s no one earth that could take his place.”

“Ever?”

“Ever. Anil is NOT trying to be your dad. He’s not trying to take anyone’s place. He’s a friend of daddy’s and he promised daddy that he’d give us a nice, safe place to stay while he works. And it’s a really awesome place isn’t it.”

Tanner nods.

“Daddy trusts Anil to look after us because he can’t right now. Anil’s just trying to make this easier on your guys. Because he knows how sad you all are and how hard it is to be away from home and away from daddy. He’s just being nice and trying to make us feel comfortable and welcome. That’s it. Understand what I’m saying?”

“I understand.”

“So stop worrying so much about all this other stuff, okay? Daddy’s not going to die, no one is going to take his place, and eventually we’ll all get to go home. You believe me, right?”

“I believe you, mommy. But I still don’t want to go downstairs without you. It’s bad enough I can’t do things with daddy. I don’t want to do things with you EITHER.”

“Well can I least go pee and put on something other than pjs first?”

“I suppose.”

“You suppose, do you?”  She smothers his face with kisses until he’s shrieking and giggling, then tousles his hair. “You want to call daddy? I told him I’d call when I got up. You want to talk to him first?”

Tanner nods enthusiastically, then scrambles across the bed on his hands and knees to retrieve her phone from the night table. “Can I dial it?”

“You know his number?”

“Mom, I know how to get into your contacts. I’m five. I know this stuff.”

“You are way too smart for your own good,” she declares, then presses a kiss to his temple as he settles himself between her legs, back against her stomach.

****

Tyler excuses himself from the team briefing when his cell phone vibrates against the tabletop and his wife's name appears on the screen. When she’d promised to call when she woke up, he’d expected it to be a lot sooner; mornings come quick with five, especially with an infant. With the lingering uneasiness from last night’s confession and subsequent conversation, it had been easy to let his paranoia and worst fears get the better of him; growing more and more concerned with each passing minute, yet resisting the urge to call incessantly and left umpteen messages. He’d KNOW if something was wrong. Nik is there. Anil had even gone personally to make sure that everyone is settled and comfortable and being treated well and to  check that things are running smoothly. Had something gone down...IF they were in any danger...he’d be the first one to find out.

He snags his half full take out cup of coffee from the table before heading into the central courtyard;  blinking against the harsh, brilliant sun, and groaning inwardly when two of Anil’s people -heavily armed- followed closely behind. None of the rooms that overlook the area have balconies OR windows that open; the only real threat could come from the roof, and that’s sixteen floors above and Anil has even more guards stationed up there. And he grimaces as he takes a seat on one of the concrete benches; an ache across the small of his back and stiffness in his knee.

Nothing a couple of hours in the gym won’t solve; working up a sweat and getting all the kinks out.

“Hey,” he says as he answers the call. “You sleep in or something? ‘Cause…”

“Hi daddy!” Tanner cheerfully greets, and a smile immediately plays on his lips. Six months ago he would never have been able to tell the twins apart on the phone. Now it’s more than obvious who is who; Tanner’s accent coming in much thicker and more pronounced.

“Hey, mate. What’s going on? What’cha up to?”

“Mommy said I could  call you. Are you busy?”

“I’m never busy when it comes to you.”

“You’re not beating up any bad guys?”

“Not yet. Later. Once you go to bed. You okay? Sleep alright?”

“Not really,” Tanner admits. “I didn’t like sleeping without Teej. The room is nice and all that and the bed is huge, but I’ve been with Teej for forever. Even when we were in mommy’s tummy. I don’t like being without him. I can’t sleep proper.”

“Well maybe tonight, just go in and sleep with him in his bed,” Tyler suggests. “He won’t admit it. But he’s probably missing you too. He’s used to you always being around. You having fun? What’s the house like?”

“Alright, I suppose.”

“Just alright? Your mom made it sound pretty awesome. Lots of cool stuff to do there, yeah?”

“I guess. I don’t know. I miss home. I miss our stuff. I miss the beach. I miss you making breakfast and waiting for the school bus with us.”

“When this is all over, we can go back to all that stuff.”

“How long?” Tanner asks. “Until it’s over?”

“I don’t know, mate. Not too long I hope.”

“We don’t have to stay here forever, do we? I don’t want to stay here forever. It’s nice and all that not, but it’s not as nice as home. Everything I know is at home. I don’t know any of this stuff. And there’s too many people here.  I don’t like lots of people around.”

“I know it sucks to be away from home, but I need you to do me a favor. I need you to at least give the place a chance. I know you miss home. I miss it too. But this will all go a lot faster and easier if you try to enjoy it. Can you do that? For me? At least try?”

“Just for you,” Tanner promises. “And I don’t want another dad.”

Tyler laughs, coffee cup poised against his lips. “What?”

“I don’t want another dad,” his son repeats. “Anil’s a nice guy, but I don’t want him as my new dad.”

“Tanner,” Esme sighs in the background. “We talked about this. Stop.”

“I’m telling daddy about it. He should know if someone is trying to take his place.”

“No one is trying to take his place. We JUST talked about this.”

“Anil is trying to be you,” Tanner explains. “Not you, exactly. But a daddy. He’s trying to be a daddy. MY daddy. And I don’t like it. I already have a dad. I don’t need another one. Can I come stay with you wherever you are?”

“I don’t think he’s trying to do that,” Tyler says. “I think he’s just trying to be nice.”

“What if he tries to steal mommy from you?”

“Well if he wants her that bad…”

“I can hear you,” Esme pipes up. “He has you on speaker phone.”

“No one is going to steal your mom away,” Tyler assures his son. “Or even try. Especially if they know what’s good for them.””

“You’ll beat them up?”

“I was thinking they wouldn’t be able to handle her cooking. But if you rather I beat them up…”

“You’re both on my shit list,” Esme declares.

“Anil isn’t trying to be your dad,” Tyler says. “He’s trying to be dad like, but not A dad. Know what I mean?”

“Not really,” Tanner admits.

“He’s trying to do things for you guys that a dad would do. So you’ll be comfortable there. So you’ll be happy.  That’s all. He’s not trying to be your dad or take my place. And unless your mom is planning on getting rid of me, you’re kind of stuck with me.”

“But what if you die?”

“Tanner!” Esme scolds. “What’s wrong with you?”

“It’s a valid question, mom. What if daddy dies? Then what? Then I have no dad.”

“Well then your mom would have to find you a new one, I guess,” Tyler tells him.

“No frigging way! I’d rather no dad than a new one. I don’t want some shitty new dad.”

He can’t help but chuckle. “How about you stop worrying about this kind of stuff? You’re five. You’re way too young for gray hair and an ulcer.”

“I can’t help it,” Tanner laments. “It’s how my brain works. I worry. It’s what I do.”

“You sounded so much like your mom just then. Why don’t go and be a kid? Go swimming. Watch a movie.  Go see the animals. There’s all kinds of stuff to do there. Go do one of them.”

“Nothing’s fun without you, though. It’s boring. You do cool stuff with us and now it’s boring as shit!”

“What did I say about giving things a chance?”

Tanner sighs. “Fine. I’ll try. But I’ll hate every second.”

“You’ll be saying that same thing when you’re older and you have to work for a living.”

“Not if I do your job. I’d like to beat up bad people.”

“Well there’s more to it than that and I’d rather you NOT do it. For now, you’re only five. Be a five year old, yeah? Leave worrying about adult shit to actual adults, hear me?”

“I hear you. And I miss you.”

“I miss you, too. Let me talk to your mom, okay? You go be a  kid. I love you.”

“I love you, daddy. Will you call me later? Before you go beat up the bad guys?”

“I promise I’ll call you. Try and have fun. Please?”

“I’ll try. But it won’t happen…”

“Tanner…”

“I’m nothing if not honest.”

“You’re grumpy is what you are. I’m serious; be a kid. Leave adult stuff to adults. Try to have fun. I’ll see you in a few days, alright?”

“Can you stay when you come? Even just for a couple of days?”

“I can’t. I want to. But I can’t.”

“Just for ONE day?”

“Not even for one day,” he reluctantly admits.

“Can you stay overnight at least? Then you can make breakfast in the morning before you go?”

“I’ll see, okay? I’ll find out if I can. I’m not making any promises, though. But I’ll find it. Let me talk to mommy. And NOT on speaker phone.”

“She’s in trouble, isn’t she.”

“You’re trouble, you know that?”

“What are you talking about? I’m the good one.”

Tyler smirks. “Tell that to the fifteen bucks you scammed out of me.”

“Listen, I did that fair and square. Not my fault you fell for it.”  His giggling stops and he turns seriously once again. “I miss you, daddy. My heart is sad.”

“Mine is too, mate. But I’ll see you soon. I promise. Now let me talk to your mom and you go be a kid.”

“Fine.” Tanner huffs. “But I still don’t want another dad.”

“Go downstairs,” Esme gently orders. “And be nice. Quit being such a grump. And don’t give me that look because I don’t put up with it from your father and I sure as hell won’t put up with it from a five year old. Just go. I’ll be down in a minute. I swear…” she sighs into the phone. “...he is five going on fifteen. Hi, by the way. I miss you.”

“I miss you, too. And what the hell is going on over there that he’s got it in his head that he’s getting a new dad?”

“Nothing. Nothing is going on. I haven’t even been downstairs yet. I don’t even know where downstairs is and if I can’t find it. I  need a map or a GPS to locate the kitchen. And you know what Tanner is like. He worries about things that aren’t even happening and probably never will. He IS going to give himself an ulcer. And you say he’s not like you?”

He sips his coffee. “What about the other ones?”

“They’re fine. I mean, as fine as they can be. They’re at least  embracing the whole thing and making the best of it. But I don’t know how much of this I can take. All these people around; maid and cooks and nannies and all that shit. I woke up this morning and Addie was gone. I almost had a stroke. I guess one of the nannies came in and got her.”

“It’s what he’s hired all these people to do,” Tyler reasons. “To take care of you guys.”

“She could have at least said she was taking her instead of just coming in and doing it. And I don’t need people watching my kids. This isn’t my first baby; I’ve taken care of four other ones, including two at once. It’s just weird. I don’t know how people live like this.”

“And you call Tanner grumpy?” he chides.

“I don’t like strangers just up and taking my children. I’m used to it being us. Not twenty different people I can’t even communicate with. And I’m sorry; I didn’t call to bitch at you, I swear.”

“I’m used to it. It’s been seven years. Nothing new to me.”

“You're such a smart ass,” she mutters, then turns serious. “Are you okay? Did the night get any better?”

“A little.”  He won’t tell her about the bottle of whisky he’d polished off, or how guilty he feels about it now. Some things are better left unsaid.

“Do you want me to come there?” Esme asks. “I could stay for a couple of days. Just to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” he insists.

“That’s horseshit and you know it. If you want me to come…”

“It’s not that I DON’T want you to. It's that I also want you to say with kids. Where I know you’re safe.”

“I’m safer with you. I trust you. These people are strangers and I can’t just blindly trust them. I at least know...one hundred percent...that I’m safe with you.”

“They’re not all strangers,” he argues. “Nik’s there.”

“Nik isn’t you. Seriously, if you want me there…”

“I do. You have no idea how much. But I want you to stay with the kids. MY kids. Bad enough I’m gone; they don’t need the two of us taking off.”

“And you’re going back out tonight?”

“Yeah,”

“Alone?”

“Don’t start.”

“How dangerous is it? Is it something you should be doing alone?”

“On a scale of one to ten? Maybe a three.”

“I don’t trust your scale. What you can handle and what a normal person can handle are two entirely different things. How many people this time?”

“Four.”

“Four? By yourself? Tyler, what the fuck?”

“It’s not hands on. Sniper work. It’ll be easy. Four shots and I’m done. Nothing to worry about.”

Esme sighs heavily. “I think you just gave me a hundred more gray hairs. This is insane. Four people? By yourself?”

“I just told you…”

“I know what you told me. I think it’s too much. Even for you. Take someone with you. Please? For my own peace of mind.”

“Esme…”

“Tyler…”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Now is NOT the time to be stubborn. I’m just worried. You know that.”

“I do know that.”

“And I know that you won’t take anyone with you. Just be careful, okay? These people are smart. And that makes them even more dangerous. Just be careful and be safe, okay?”

“I will,” he promises. “I gotta go. I walked out in the middle of a team meeting.”

“You could have just said that at the beginning and you could have called me back.”

“You’re more important than any meeting. And I needed to talk to you. To hear your voice.”

“I needed that too,” she admits. “Maybe later you can phone and I can hear it again. This time saying more ADULT stuff.”

Tyler grins. “I could do that.”

“Oh I know you can. I know the filth that is capable of coming out of your mouth. I better go; before Tanner starts planning my wedding to Anil.”

“Well he could give you a better wedding than I gave you” Tyler reasons.

“Ours was perfect. It was small and it was quaint and it was very us. I love you. We’ll talk later.”

“Yeah, we will. And I love you, too.”

“Be safe. Call me as soon as soon as it’s done. So I know you’re okay.”

“I will,” he promises. “Let me know where you’re registered so I can get you and your second husband  a wedding gift.”

“You’re not funny. In the slightest.

“That’s ‘cause I’m fucking hilarious.”

“In your own mind, maybe. Talk later.”

“For sure,” he says, then presses end on the phone. And he sits there for several minutes; eyes fixated on the blackened screen of the cell clutched tightly in his hand. Attempting to control the profound ache that settles deep in his chest.  That overwhelming loneliness. And impending sense of doom.

[secret-diary-of-an-fa]

The End of Year Awards Are Back... and This Time, It’s Personal!

And so we approach the end of 2020, the year that never really began. On paper, at least, it looked incredibly promising. There were lots of great movies slated to come out; culture seemed slightly less paucity-riddled and pointless than usual; good things were in the air. Then COVID happened, and basically fucked everything. Actually, that’s not quite true: my personal year has been fucking spectacular. I’m in a long-term relationship with a gorgeous woman for the first time in forever- no more abrupt trysts and stolen moments for yer humble narrator: I’ve got a sumptuously plus-size lady-friend who actually wants to spend substantial amounts of time me (and has knockers you could sled down, were you so inclined). I also started a Youtube channel where I upload performances of magic tricks I’ve designed and a few people seem to quite like it. Oh, and I’ve written four novels, with a fifth well on its way to completion. Unfortunately, that’s my life, not the life of our civilisation and culture as a whole. The fact that bugger all happened in that makes this end-of-year round-up a little hard to write. With that in mind, I’m going to hand out the gongs for 2020, but I’m also going to do my usual dodge of giving end-of-year awards to things that I discovered in 2020, even if they came out the year, decade or century before. It’s not like any right-minded person gives a hoot about my opinion anyway. Right then, everyone clear on the rules? Then let’s roll up our sleeves and plunge elbow deep into the fetid trough of our decaying society to ferret out the best and worst of the Things That Humans Have Done Recently.

The ‘I Like It Because It Confused Thick People’ Award for Best High-Concept Sci-Fi Movie... … Goes to the sterling Tenet, a spy film that used entropy inversion and symmetric, opposite-direction timelines within the same physical space the way most spy films use hacking and guns. Christopher Nolan films are always intricately constructed and meticulously-executed, but this one must have had Japanese Master Puzzle-Box Makers crying into their breakfast cereal. Is breakfast cereal a thing in Japan? I honestly I have no idea. For some reason, all I can imagine is a sort of dry kedgeree where all the ingredients that aren’t rice have been removed. But I digress. For all its intricacy, Tenet is actually really easy to follow once you’ve grasped the basic premise that there’s a machine that lets people move backwards through time, and that this makes them appear to move in reverse to the rest of the world while they perceive the rest of the world as moving in reverse. Nolan maintains a mastery of cinematic visual language that makes even the most abstruse concept easy to wrap your head around. Nonetheless, following Tenet’s release, dumb people took to the Internet on mass to complain that the film was confusing and stupid, never once realising that their inability to conceptualise time in non-linear ways was their own failing, not Nolan’s. I find that refreshing. It’s nice to see a sci-fi film that’s actually made for smart-cookie sci-fi fans and doesn’t give a hoot if it alienate thickos.

The Award for Most Inexplicably Compelling Web Comic… … Goes to Questionable Content. I originally started reading Questionable Content because I’d heard that the female lead and love interest was a plus size lassie and that shit’s my jam. However, the art style makes everyone look like a skinny indie-type, regardless of their actual, in-universe size, so it doesn’t do much to titillate my Fat Admiring Titillation Centres. And yet, I’m over five hundred ‘episodes’ in and still reading. The thing is, I couldn’t tell you why for the life of me. Maybe it’s the hope that the art style will evolve to the point where the people look like actual human beings with different body types (but then, why would I care unless I was invested for some other reason). Maybe it’s the fact that when I get one of the many, many obscure band or pop culture references, I feel a little buzz of kinship with the writer. Maybe it’s the fact that it takes place in a universe where robots and superheroes are things that regularly happen, yet most of the strips are just normal people chatting shit in a coffee shop and the slice-of-life narrative/sci-fi setting appeals to my sense of juxtaposition. I don’t know, but I find it really compelling to the extent that I’ve pissed away entire days reading it. I have a horrible feeling that it’s a short step from this to really angsty hentai. If I start singing the praises of that, somebody please shoot me in the crotch.

The ‘Forest Gump Debating Peter Andre’ Award For Most Sustained or Elongated Instance of Stupidity… … Goes to Donald Trump. I was tempted just to award this gong to his entire presidency, but that wasn’t just stupid: it was also venal, corrupt, horrifying and punctuated by terrible moments of low cunning. So, instead, this award goes to his ‘soup’ rant. For those of you who missed it, the former President of the United States spent a really, really long time (in the run-up to the election) wittering on about protestors throwing cans of soup at police. What was dumb and weird about it was that he appeared to be extolling the virtues of soup as a siege weapon, going into really specific detail about how it was better than a brick because it could be thrown with more force, finishing with the utterance that protestors would just argue that “this is just soup for my family” if they were caught with the cans… which is phrased wrong in such a subtle and inhuman way it’s hard to imagine that anyone actually ever said it, at least in those words. I have no idea if protestors in America were throwing soup cans at police (which would be entirely justified considering how many innocent people American police have murdered in cold blood quite recently) or if this was a fantasy dreamed up by the former president in the cloudcuckooland that is his diseased little brain. Either way, the connected rant was balls deep in dumb.

The Most Disturbing Unintentional Impression of Vincent Price Award… … Goes to the narrator from One Step Beyond, a Twilight Zone-esque anthology of weirdness that purports to be based on true events and has to be seen to be believed. The stories are oft-disturbing instances of spooky-inflected human drama and can occasionally be quite disconcerting… until they’re book-ended by a dude who sounds like Vincent Price reading a children’s book in a really earnest voice. It’s weird and no, it didn’t hit our screens in Space Year 2020, it dates back to Ye Olden Times of the 1950s or 60s, when men were men, women were women and technincolour was a distant dream that could get you strung up for witchcraft. Nonetheless, I only encountered it this year, so it’s getting its prize. I warned you I was going to pull this shit, but you foolish fools didn’t listen.

The ‘It’s Not Gay If I Don’t Clench’ Award for Cognitive Dissonance… … Goes to Amazon Prime, the content-making branch of evil, tax-dodging, anti-monopoly-law-breaking megalith Amazon. You see, while Big Daddy Amazon is off being incredibly sinister and worrying, like a shifty vampire hanging off the economy’s throat, the creative people at Amazon Prime are busy making or acquiring some of the flat-out best TV ever committed to a streaming-service, from the extra-weird slice of fun-pie that is The Tick, to the entertainingly horrifying cultural dissection of The Boys to the utterly unique Carnival Row, to the superbly adapted American Gods. It’s a bit like discovering that Geoffrey Dahlmer single-handedly created a body of artistic work to rival Vincent Van Gogh’s when he wasn’t pouring acid onto the brains of emotionally vulnerable young adults. It gives me a headache.

The Clint Eastwood Award for Most Effective Older Gentlemen… … Goes to Joe Biden, for unseating dipshit in chief Donald Trump with the casual badassery of a Wild West gunslinger shooting a baddy (probably played by Leonardo Di Caprio) in the balls. I mean, he’s not the best Prez America could ask for but a) as a Brit I don’t have to care and b) anyone who ousts Trump gets mad props from me.

The ‘It’s a Pity Everything Else is Shit Now’ Award for Best New Ongoing Series… … Goes to my own Youtube series, Victor The Magician, in which I claim to be a reality-hopping, interdimensional wizard on an endless quest to… perform magic, basically. I’ll admit that the quality is super-variable (Youtube algorithms and their constant demand for fresh content be a harsh mistress, etc., etc.). However, when I’m good, I’m really good. If you’re looking for a punch-line other than the fact that this whole bit is a self-promoting plug, it’s this: my Youtube series really was the best thing to come out this year. Not because I’m great or anything, just by default. A promising year really did turn into a cultural wasteland the moment COVIDius Rex reared its scaly head.

The Zombie Ian Curtis Award for Most Crushing Disappointment… … Goes to Rick and Morty Series 4. As I think I’ve said before, it was still good, but it just didn’t reach the dizzy heights of nihilistic lunacy achieved in series 1-3. I think the problem is that the audience is meant to learn something from Rick’s poor choices, even if he doesn’t, because the creators saw the amazing success of Bojack Horseman and decided they wanted a slice of that sweet, tangy deconstructionist pie. It worked up to a point in the climax of Series 3, but having made their point, the showrunners probably should have moved onto a different point. They forgot that the appeal of Rick Sanchez is his combination of ‘entertaining car-crash of a human being’ and ‘unstoppable superbeing’. Push him through an arc and you risk breaking the thing that makes him and the show so endlessly watchable. Rick, unlike Bojack, just wasn’t built for heavy introspection. Also, the team hired on new writers who were less than familiar with the characters, setting and subtext, and that’s always an invitation to disaster.

The Special Sir Mixalot Award for Posteriority… ...Goes to… my girlfriend and glamorous assistant, Mystic Miss Terri, who’s arse is gorgeous and majestic.

The ‘Are They STILL Making That?’ Award for a Show You Forgot Existed And is Now Back… … Goes to Supernatural, which never technically went away and whose final series is apparently being broadcast on one of the 4 channels (though who knows which one, any more), It’s kind of nice to realise it’s still out there and be reminded that there are still people who care deeply about what happens to it. It’s like when you remember ‘oh yeah, [insert cute animal here] actually exists and isn’t just an internet meme. That’s nice’. Also, it’s good to see Jared Padelacki working steadily. It can’t be easy to find acting gigs when most producers just want to shoot you and mount your antlers over a fireplace.

The Irritating Magician Award for Something That Just Won’t Fuck Off… ...Goes to this blog entry, which is three pages long in Word. Good grief. Bye y’all! See you next year, assuming that the last few days of 2020 don’t culminate in a civilisation-destroying attack by giant space-ants. If that seems worryingly specific, let’s just say that- as Leonard Cohen would say “I’ve seen the future and, brother, it is murder”… by giant space-ants.

[inkribbon796]

The Lost Ones Ch. 2

Chapter 2: A Star is Born

Summary: Now that Anti has his clone of destruction it’s a lot smaller and a lot less destructive than he planned. But that doesn’t mean he can’t get some chaos out of the little scientific miracle.

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

The glitch demon was not impressed.

He honestly didn’t know what he had expected, he’d barely been a part of the process past snipping off pieces of aura. But a brat sleeping in a glass box wasn’t what he’d expected.

Where was the doom? The chaos?

Anti glared at Beauregard, “It’s tiny.”

“Yep,” Bouregard was almost bouncing with glee. “We’ve named him Paul-08 since he’s the eighth one. He’s about five months now.”

“Don’t care, prolly not keeping the name,” Anti warned. “Ye said it was alive, looks pretty still ta me.”

She looked disappointed, “He’s sleeping, and we really like that name. Besides, he’s just a baby.”

“Don’t,” Anti repeated. “Care. Is it alive or not? I didn’t get ye fookers their auras ta throw a baby shower.”

“Yes, he’s alive, he’s just sleeping,” she told him. “We’re starting to get him to try solid foods.”

“Good,” Anti immediately reached in a picked the baby up, realizing one thing. “This kid’s freezing.”

“Yes, we think it might have something to do with the maternal side genes,” she admitted.

Anti stared at her before looking the baby over, who was starting to fuss. Fighting the urge to dump the kid back in the incubator and walk away, he studied the kid a bit closer, a light coating of dark fluff was already on top of his head, and his eyes were starting to darken from the normal baby blue.

Then his brain halted, “Wait, I didn’t brin’ anythin’ extra.”

“Oh, the maternal genes came from Smoky,” Beauregard was silently coaching Anti how to hold the baby, and to Anti immense relief he stopped fussing. “Whenever it turned more red it was receptive to cooperating even if it did become more aggressive in the process.”

“Smoky?” Anti repeatedly.

“Yeah Smoky and Bubbles, we gave them nicknames because it was shorter than writing Dark Aura and Warfstache Aura.”

“I like it,” Anti decided, “continue.”

“Well you would not believe how uncooperative auras are, it took us ages to actually get the kid. He had to coax Smoky into making the shape we wanted and after a couple tries we got this little cutie.”

The baby let out this little bubbly giggle.

It reminded Anti more of Wilford than Dark, but all he needed was the thing to keep breathing.

“Kay, we’ll be back,” Anti said, already opening up a portal and taking the kid through.

“What?” Beauregard looked panicked. “Wait! He hasn’t had his—”

Anti was stepping through with the kid and smiled, “Let’s go find your big scary dads and watch ‘em squirm.”

A couple of stolen baby things later and Anti was standing in a downtown plaza with the kid in a harness attached to his own chest, waiting while holding a phone he’d found ages ago and was using to post pictures online with him and the baby. The picture’s caption read: Not ready for swimming lesson but still likes the water. Don’t tell his dad.

His favorite so far was the picture he took was the one he took standing on a large fountain in Dark’s territory, holding two fingers up with the kid trying to grab the water.

Anti had to admit, the kid definitely inherited all of Wil’s charm and none of the anything Anti didn’t like about Dark . . . which fortunately for the kid that was everything about the Entity.

So Anti was checking his phone, standing next to Wil’s radio station, the kid trying to grab his phone and was fussing a little bit. Which meant that he was either hungry or something like that. He’d have to take the kid back at this rate because he was not changing the brat’s diaper.

In total he’d had the kid out for about ten minutes before he dodged Jackie who tried to snag the kid directly off his chest.

“Hey, hey,” Anti floated up and the kid started crying at the gust of wind suddenly rushing by them, startled and scared. “You don’t just steal kids, what kind of hero are you?”

“Okay, Anti,” Jackie approached carefully, having lost the element of surprise. “What’s it gonna take ta get that kid back ta their folks?”

A dumb hero, and a whole lot of noise. Anti smiled. “I don’t know, why don’t yah come an’ take it from me?”

However Anti was grabbed from the back of the carrier straps and dragged back towards the ground by Silver.

“Come on, Anti, just give us the kid,” Silver ordered. “Poor kid’s probably hungry.”

The screaming the kid was doing was starting to become shrill, a dull ringing confused for Jackie’s tinnitus, but was a byproduct of inheriting Dark’s aura.

Anti wrapped his arms around the kid and glitched himself away, slamming into a car. The instant Anti’s aura kicked up, the kid started snuffling instead of crying, trying to put some of the glitching pixels into his mouth.

“Come on, bend reality, do somethin’ yah ankle biter,” Anti demanded.

“Anti, don’t be a bastard, give us the kid,” Jackie demanded.

“Wish I could,” Anti looked at the car he’d crashed into and knocked it into the news station with his aura, it hit the gate and crashed into the entrance.

“Oops,” Anti smiled, and predictably color started to drain from the area, an odd red and blue effect echoing out from nearby objects. Well kid looks like Daddy’s on his way, Anti thought to himself.

If the glitch couldn’t get his kicks from the kid, he would get it from Dark.

Dark came from the shadows right in front of Anti, his aura whipping around him threateningly, “Anti!”

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” Silver muttered under his breath, Anti was one thing. It was bad enough that Anti had the kid, but he hadn’t done anything with the kid yet. But Dark hated kids, he’d gone on the record for his disdain for children. He didn’t let them get into his network, he didn’t let them get near him. And Dark was already pissed.

“Ahhh,” a little coo came from the kid attached to Anti’s chest and two little hands reached out to touch Dark’s aura.

The act just about gave Silver and Jackie a heart attack. They’d seen adult superheros get hit by Dark’s aura and come out the other side like they’d bent sent through a blender.

Dark jolted when his aura met with something strangely familiar. His aura calmed down without Dark’s permission.

“What is that?” Dark asked, pointing down at the kid, his finger was grabbed by the kid.

“Jeez took yeh fer-fookin-e’er ta show up,” Anti rolled his eyes and took the kid off of him, and shoved the kid into Dark’s arms who looked about ready to drop the kid on the spot. “See if I babysit fer ye fooks again.”

Dark looked actually confused and Anti knew that regardless of if they actually kept the kid, he was going to savor this for the rest of his existence. Anti had never seen Dark twitch and blink so much, the ringing a bit more subdued.

The infant was already sticking Dark’s tie in his mouth and chewing on it.

“Anti!” Dark yelled at him as Anti began walking backwards, a huge smile on his face. Wilford pushed the car out of his way, looking frustrated and angry, the situation successfully escalating. “What am I supposed to do with this thing?”

“Uh, uh,” Anti held up his index finger. “Favor’s done, I charge full price next time.”

Wilford grabbed Anti who started whispering something to him.

Dark however glared at the happy child in hands who he was trying to hold away at arm’s length. He was smiling, drooling all over his tie, which was still loosely hanging from his mouth. Bright dark brown eyes beaming with happiness and his pudgy little arms reaching towards the mob boss.

A slew of questions was going through Dark’s mind:

Why did he give me a kid? Why would he even have a kid? Oh fuck! Is he Wil’s? What am I going to do if it’s Wil’s?

“Uh, Dark?” Silver asked.

Dark let out a little sigh of relief, “Finally you heroes are good for something.”

He turned and held the kid out for Silver. “Here, take the wretch back to its mother.”

Silver seemed to exhale in relief, “Yeah no problem, do you know who—”

“Well if you wanted a break, Darky, all you had to do was ask,” Wil chuckled as he snagged the kid out of Dark’s hands before Silver could take him.

The superhero stared at Wil in absolute horror, realizing that he’d rather have absolutely anyone holding the kid except for Wil.

The little boy let out a startled cry but going completely silent, starting up at Wil with large round eyes. Wil’s almost invisible aura making the kid’s pupils dilate just a little bit.

“Long day, huh Junior?” Wil smiled as the kid reached up for Wil’s curled mustache. “Did you have fun with Uncle Anti?”

“Wil, let’s not play games right now,” Dark demanded. “Give them the child.”

Wil looked confused at that, the baby grabbing at one of Wil’s suspenders and starting to chew on it. “Why? I got done with work early? I can take Junior for the evening.”

Silver and Jackie looked at the baby, Dark and Wilford, and then at each other.

“Wil, it is two in the afternoon, you didn’t get done with anything,” Dark spat, pointing at the cat lying in front of the radio station. “Anti threw a car at you.”

Wilford almost did a double take, staring at the car, “How long has that been there?”

“Give me the child,” Dark demanded, holding his hand out, his aura already trying to pry the baby from Wil’s arms. “Just go back to work and I’ll fix this.”

The baby started fussing and crying, grabbing onto Wil’s shirt.

Wil’s aura snapped into visible sight and Dark’s aura was slapped away, the mad man holding the boy closer to his chest. “You don’t remember Junior?”

“There’s nothing to remember,” Dark spat angrily, his ringing almost shrill, his shell echoing and fracturing. “Anti found some brat off the street, give it to me.”

“He’s ours!” Wil huffed, the baby’s crying was almost shrill, the boy’s ringing cry lost in Dark’s much louder one.

Dark felt the need to strangle Wilford, his fingers itching to summon an axe to bury into his chest. “You stupid idiot, Wil, that child isn’t yours!”

Silver and Jack were trying to get close but the dueling auras didn’t permit it. The situation was quickly spiraling out of control.

Wil let out an offended gasped and quickly slipped through a portal with the infant, almost slicing off part of Dark’s aura when he tried to stop him.

His shell was fragmenting into dozens of copies as Dark stewed in his own caustic anger. Then he screamed in furious anger, most of his aura turning into a caustic, blood red. His aura tore up the pavement and the gate, and just about anything else he could reach.

Dark’s fury turned to Anti who was just cackling off to the side, finding the whole mess utterly hilarious. He was floating off the ground.

He was in front of the glitch demon in an instant, glaring down at him in molten fury. “Where did you get that thing?”

Anti fought for breath before smiling, “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ ‘bout Daddy, maybe yeh should go catch yer boyfriend ‘fore he kills the kid?”

Dark raked his claws across Anti’s face, narrowly avoiding destroying Anti’s tentatively corporeal form, but stomping into a portal to follow Wil’s decaying magical trail.

Cheering victoriously at himsef, Anti picked himself off the ground and saw one more game to play, Silver and Jackie already putting out a frantic call for a missing baby.

“How long before you think they realize it’s fake?” Anti chuckled, floating next to the two heroes.

“What?” Jackie demanded, pausing in his report of the kid.

“Pffft,” Anti laughed. “Come on, I magicked up a bag ‘a flour an’ stuck a clump ‘a dog hair on it. I mean what kid smiles at that piece of shite? I’m amazed Dark bought the illusion.”

“Anti, if you are fucking with us, and that was a real kid, it’ll die,” Silver threatened darkly.

Anti just laughed, “I wonder if Wil will try an’ make cookies outta it before or after he realizes it’s fake? Did you see Dark’s face when Wil told him no, I didn’t think Bubbles had it in him.”

Then Anti left, chuckling to himself, after all the lab coats had made one brat, if Wil killed it they could just make another one.

Silver and Jackie were just standing in the wake of destruction, unsure what to do.

“What are the chances he’s lying,” Silver demanded, “you’ve known him longer than me.”

Jackie frowned, “I don’t know, Anti doesn’t usually mess with kids, but they stopped crying when Dark first took ‘em, so maybe he’s telling the truth.”

“Let’s put out that APB, if that kid’s real we need to find their mom and fast,” Silver decided.

“Good thinking,” Jackie agreed and the two of them checked that everyone in the station was okay before leaving to find Abe.

[metalchick19-blog]

The Bowers Gang: Ship #9 - Victor Criss

Request: Alrighty I’ll have you ship me with whoever you think personally~ my hair is blonde and I’m short asl, but I also have a tattoo of a black rose on the side of my wrist. A lot of my friends tell me that I can always make them laugh with what I say or do and a lot of them will often come to me for advice or if they need to rant about something, which honestly just makes me feel even better as a person. I’m someone who will always stand by you if you’ve never done me dirty and need help. I do have a goofy side that only my closest friends see everyday, which is honestly sometimes just me as person. I think of myself as a fairly outgoing person and I’m never one to just stand in the corner of a party. Some things I need to work on are opening up to other people when talking about feelings and problems I have instead of just bottling them up. If there’s someone that I don’t like, I make it very clear and can be totally heartless towards them. I can also stress myself out easily and get overwhelmed by everything that’s going on. I’ve been through some shit, so I have a better understanding of other people’s hardships than most people. Being friends with me means that you always have someone to go to for laughs, but also someone who won’t sugar coat anything for you. Being in a relationship with me means you’ll actually have someone devoted to you and fun times, but you also gotta break down any walls built up. To put it into simpler terms, I’m a pretty chill person who goes with the flow but can get serious when it comes to something that’s important to me and I need to do. A couple of facts about me is that I want to be an elementary school teacher (I love kids so much, more than people my age tbh), I smoke the devils lettuce damn near hourly on a daily (fuck getting drunk, getting high is better), I love going to the beach, driving around downtown with friends, or just taking time to myself in my room to listen to music!

Always traces your rose tattoo absentmindedly when you cuddle/sit next to each other

Finds your transparency hot as hell, because he sees it as an indication of how honest you are 

So appreciates the shit out of it, even when you’re being a total icy bitch to someone he doesn’t even know (and learns to assume you have your reasons when he doesn’t understand why)

The guys gave you a designated seat in the Trans-Am because you drive around with them after school so often (like the trooper you are) 

You’re on the far left, behind Belch, with Victor in the middle between you and Patrick (very much on purpose)

Victor sometimes comes over to people’s houses to keep you company while you babysit (the ol’ “sneak in the boyfriend routine”)...

... and actually helps with the sitting of the baby, rather than expecting to fuck and/or sit and watch movies like some other teen delinquents we know 

But seriously - Victor is straight-up the daddy to your mommy whenever you guys watch kids together, and it’s truly one of the loveliest things ever

Tends to start off awkward at first (he’s��very friendly with kids, but has a hard time talking to them in ways they understand since he can’t “dumb down” his language), but always ends up being their literal favorite person by the time the night is over (apart from you, of course)

Entirely because Criss makes funny faces like a pro, keeps the small ones entertained while you warm up dinner, and ties shoes singing the bunny ears song and everything 

I.e. He’s “the fun guy”

Also demonstrates an inside voice like nobody’s business, and slides a coaster under every drink (house rules = respected) 

Also steps up to do some of the disciplinary things when you can’t get a specific smol one to listen to you 

... and is low-key a toddler whisperer about it too

When he has to be the disciplinarian, Victor always just kneels down to the tiny kid’s eye-level (regardless of whether they’re screaming, crying, or otherwise), and casually starts talking to them as if they understand every adult word that’s coming out of his mouth

Which most of them couldn’t possibly do, because toddlers 

... But, from the moment they make eye contact with him, the majority of kids go completely serene and just stare at Victor like they do understand what he’s saying, and clean up their act right after he “discusses it” with them

The guy seriously somehow stops all tears/whining/unacceptable behavior just by being like “hey, that’s not cool dude, and here’s why”

It’s legitimately random to the point of being annoying, because there’s no reason getting children in line should be that easy for him (considering it’s insanely difficult for some people that actually have kids)

You insist that the lil’ buns are just reflecting Victor’s calm nature, but his smug smile will always indicate he low-key thinks he’s better at child-care than you

... Which you know isn’t true, but we’ll let him think what he wants to think

He finds it really endearing how well you get along with kids though, and thinks it’s adorable that you’re able to connect with them so easily

You’re the first person he’s ever been with who’s made him think, “She’ll be a really great Mom someday,” and that’s beautiful 

You make Victor smile in the moments when he truly gets down on himself

This is a pretty big deal, because he tends to feel the fuck out of things regardless of the emotion

It’s impossible for the majority of people to sway Victor’s mood at all when he’s upset, because it always settles over him so heavily...

... but you somehow do the trick.

Your goofy nature usually bounces off of him at first (he stays in his head, and doesn’t give much response to most of your humor for a while), but you always eventually say something that strikes a cord with him, and elicits a small smirk

... which eventually leads to a smile, which leads to a laugh, which ultimately leads to you talking out his issues with him and lifting his spirits

You’re seriously one of Criss’ main emotional outlets, and I wish I could shake your hand, cause’ that’s an honor 

This isn’t a one-way street, though - Victor does the same for you

He noticed early on (before you were even together) that you only tended to talk about positive things/ “surface level” information even after you had been hanging out with the guys for a long time

And to him (i.e. the group psychologist), that made it clear you were trying to keep your distance by not sharing your problems or talking about things that were really important to you

So he made a point of being there for you x1,000,000 when you officially got together 

Example: He knows you won’t bring up any of your issues unprompted, so Victor asks how your day is going at every given opportunity

Aka: he provides a chance for you to tell him something’s bugging you

He also jumps on it whenever you show any visible signs of being sad, and straight-up asks you to tell him what you’re feeling because real men aren’t afraid to talk about that jazz 

Even though it took time for you to get used to it (i.e. sharing your emotions), it’s now something that’s become a reflex for you

You’ve cried on Victor’s shoulder, shared your previous traumas, let him see you at the peak of rage, and he’s done the same with you; there’s nothing left to hide 

The two of you have seriously reached a point where you could tell one another anything on the spot

You’re each other’s permanent comfort and support - simple as that.

When one of you is feeling especially down though, or when you both just feel you’ve earned a break from life (i.e. after exams, or during spring/winter break), you and Victor have “intensive care” smoke sessions at his house

...Tastefully named “intensive care” smoke sessions by the both of you

This basically means hot-boxing Victor’s room all day long (fucking glorious), watching movies in his bed, and playing whatever tapes you want on full blast at random intervals throughout the day

The two of you cycle between just sitting and listening to the music (typically at the peak of your high, when you’re both brain-dead), to talking about incredibly philosophical/incredibly stupid things (”who closes the bus door after the bus driver gets off?”), to raiding Victor’s fridge for munchies until you eventually empty it and have to walk into town for more 

Side-note: Victor is smooth as fuck when it comes to being high and acting normal in public

Whenever you guys order food anywhere after you’ve already smoked, he’s always the one who speaks because he never stutters, breaks eye contact, or forgets what he’s saying in the middle

You’ve even seen him get into full, logically sound conversations with people just minutes after taking a bong rip in the Trans-Am (group smoke sessions are a thing too)

The guy legit held it together even when his parents came home in the middle of your smoke session once, and introduced you normally even though you were having a level 10 panic attack, and were not subtle about it (those darting high person eyes were all over the place) 

In short, he can basically just revert back to being sober again whenever he wants to, and it’s a major turn-on for stoners everywhere. 

*Pointless side-note ended*

You try to get Victor to socialize at the 2-3 house parties Henry forces you all to each month, but he won’t do it

Just stands next to you, quietly sipping his beer and letting his attention drift around the room

Fields small-talk when he has to (he’s not shy or unapproachable - just introverted), but usually just prefers to be the handsome guy standing next to you while you own the spotlight

You’ll forever be the majestic, sociable party dom with a dry-humored wallflower for a boyfriend - enjoy

... he looks at you a lot while you talk to people though, and it’s so obvious he’s thinking about how beautiful you are, because his eyes make it clear he’s focusing on your face rather than your words 

So many girls in Derry High hate you because of adorable crap like this - there’s a lot of salt over Victor Criss being so thoroughly taken by someone

Patrick often tries to break you away from Victor at parties, because, like you, he talks easily and likes to try to get into shit (and because he thinks you’re hot/would love to take a girl away from Victor using only the power of his penis)

He’ll randomly show up next you when you’re getting another drink, going to the bathroom... or, really, doing anything other than talking to Victor

...At which point he propositions the shit out of you, and tries to convince you to come upstairs

This has never worked out well for him.

You did play a legitimately sick game of beer-pong together once after you got him to stop coming onto you (for a second), but that was just because you were already buzzed, and felt unusually tolerant towards him

So even though you usually reject him wholeheartedly (and somewhat loudly/angrily), you two will always be remembered as the life of post-homecoming blowout, 1987 (where you made every single shot, and didn’t have to take even one drink between the two of you)

... Still doesn’t change the fact that he’s trying to do you though, and that you’re too loyal to Victor to be feeling it 

Even though he won’t participate in other ways when it comes to parties, Victor always dances with you, because he has a specific thing for watching you move to house music

You asked him about it once, and he just said he thinks it’s beautiful because it “accentuates your purity”

If you don’t get what he means, you’re in good company - the guy has an artsy soul.

Interesting side-note: Like Patrick, Henry has low-key wanted to sleep with you from the moment he first saw you, but keeps it heavily under wraps in the interest of not screwing up you and Victor’s relationship 

He doesn’t talk to you much, and has a hard time maintaining eye contact even when he does (because guilt and attraction)

Essentially decided that abstinence is key where you’re concerned, and tries not to form much of a connection with you so it’s easier to control himself

Avoids being left alone with you at all costs, and doesn’t acknowledge you much in general

... He eyes you a lot when he gets drunk though (most often, at the parties you go to)

No words, but enough wasted leering to make it clear where his head is at

 It’s never escalated into anything, but it’s something you notice.

... And you’ve never told Victor in the interest of preserving their friendship. 

* Interesting side-note ended *

Victor tried to take you on a private date to the quarry once (because you’d always told him about how badly you wished there was a beach in Derry), but the guys found out and showed up unexpectedly as soon as the two of you hit the water

... And it was actually your first date.

Meaning Criss was not at all entertained by that bandwagony bullshit.

They literally just came to see you in a bathing suit (hence why they came out of hiding only after you’d gotten in the water), and you’re such a bad bitch that you called them out on it rather than let it be 

... But that just earned a predictably creepy affirmation from Patrick (”What, you thought we were gonna’ let Criss keep a body like that all to himself?” *Disgusting Hockstetter cackle as Victor death-stares him into oblivion*), and didn’t amount to anything more than obnoxious laughter on Henry and Belch’s part 

Long story short, the guys all stampeded into the water with you, and swimming for 2 became swimming for 5

So, yeah. First date was a group date, and no one was thrilled.

Because of what you’ve been through in life, you understand some of the fucked up situations Victor has experienced better than most other people; as a result of that, you have a unique understanding of his hot/cold feelings about the gang

I.e. You get why it isn’t just black and white for him - other people may see the guys as straight-up evil, but it’s different for Victor, and you get that

Essentially you understand that he’s a ride or die (because genuine loyalty), but that he’s also ready to jump ship in the interest of not becoming something he isn’t; he’s never been able to express that to anyone else 

Because you get why Victor feels moved to leave the gang sometimes (and partly because of your own experiences with them), you support him in that direction whenever he mentions it

Being that you don’t sugarcoat things, you confirm for him that the guys aren’t people that would be good for his adult life - he’s always thought that in his head, but has never had another person around who knew the guys personally to corroborate the opinion

Meaning, now that the opinion has been corroborated, it’s kind of huge for him

You may ultimately be the thing that gives Victor the strength he needed to leave the guys, because you help cement his view that it would be the right thing to do

Plus, his relationship with you would fulfill him to an extent where he wouldn’t feel as attached to the gang as before, and he would see himself as being much happier in a future with you than in a future with them

In short, you might change the course of Victor Criss’s entire life - have fun being the best thing that’s ever happened to him

[fanficwriter013]

It Was Always You

Square: Clint/Laura (B3)

Warning: Suggestive language, explicit undertones, implied sexual actions

Pairing: Clint/Laura

Summary: Nat sets Clint up on a date, that goes surprisingly well. Until Clint pulls a Barton.

Also on AO3

There was no denying that Clinton Francis Barton was a walking disaster, a literal dumpster diver. He was a mess, and even his brain chemicals knew it.

Whether he was drinking coffee straight from the pot, and it was yesterday's coffee mind you. Or he would literally be too, just unable to be. He was trash, and he sure as hell couldn't love himself. That was why he was a heavy self sabotager.

He was a serial dater. He was a serial cheater. He was the best at faking his death. He was even good at just straight up disappearing. He'd be juggling seven girls and a handful of guys at any one time. Just because he was trash didn't mean he didn't enjoy people's company.

"Barton, you got to give her a chance," Nat said, for the fourth time in the conversation. She was trying to set him up, for what felt like the millionth time. He wasn't sure why she cared. She was a serial lick and ditch, too.

"Yeah, okay. I know. Shut your face up. One date." Nat snapped at him. He was too tired to argue now, and gave her an overly exaggerated sigh, adding flare by leaning back and putting his hand to his head.

"This will kill me, but fine." Clint groaned, and Nat gave him this weird wide toothy grin that looked like that shark from that movie where the dad is looking for his kid somewhere in Australia.

Nat had arranged for them to meet at one of the nicer bars in the area, on what was said bar's karaoke night. A night Clint normally avoided. Get him drunk, he'd go a few rounds and then wind up with clingy fangirls who didn't understand one night stands.

He'd gotten a corner booth in a dark corner of the bar, one of his favorite places because in the shadows lots of things could be hidden. He'd ordered a suck bang blow to take the edge off. Plus, that'd be an excellent ice breaker.

"You must be Clint. Natasha told me you'd put baby in a corner." God, Clint was already bored. What had Nat been thinking? She slid into the booth, keeping him in her line of sights. At least she hadn't gone directly for his side.

"I'm Laura." She said she was such a vanilla woman. And to put it mildly, Clint was not a vanilla kind of man.

"Whatcha drinking there?" Laura asked, eying his drink. He wasn't sure if she was nervously chattering or was genuinely curious.

"Suck, bang, blow." He said, and her little deer eyes went wide. He knew that would get her from the second she'd introduced herself. This night would be interesting, at least he'd get to terrorize her a little bit. Laura turned as the waitress came back over.

"Can I get a blow job, please?" She asked the waitress, who gave her a sly smile then walked off to put in her order. Okay, Clint hadn't seen that one coming.

The rest of the night was shockingly good. He kept ordering heavily suggestive drinks and she would call him on his bet, as they got increasingly drunk. They'd even done a few songs together. And the night might have ended with some shockingly not vanilla activities.

Nat caught him slinking into work on Monday after he definitely hadn't spent the whole weekend in one place with one person, absolutely naked. Possibly tied up for a portion of it.

"The look on your face is all I need. I told you so." Nat said, and he fixed her with a dead-eye glare and a fake laugh.

"Uh-huh. You'll thank me when I'm the best man at your wedding." Nat said, and Clint just shook his head walking away from her.

It'd been six months since Nat had set him up with Laura. And it was easy, almost too easy. They were spending a lot of time together, and she knew exactly which dirty jokes to tell to get him to laugh. For being packaged in something so exteriorly vanilla, her brain was like a ghost pepper. Clint could really see a future with her and that was a problem. It was time.

He started small, picking little fights here and there. Since apparently they all but lived together now. When that didn't work, he took to showing up late to dates. Since they had like four a week. That was also a failure. The next step he took was massive. He stopped making sure she had orgasms. Yes, orgasms plural. That one worked. Clint could officially go back to his slutty ways.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Barton?" Nat snapped, dropping down from a vent in the room he'd been in. Where the fuck had she come from.

"Laura said that you went all frat guy, and she broke up with you." Nat said, smacking him in the back of the head."You fucking birdbrain. Fix it." And just like that, she was gone again.

Clint didn't care. He couldn't stay close to just one person for long. They'd always find something wrong with him and leave. So he made sure to check out first. He was just protecting himself.

He'd gone back to stalking victims in the night, consensually of course. But he found that no matter how many people he bedded, woke up next to, no matter how they treated him. He wasn't satisfied, and it was like one of the most massive cases of blue balls that he had ever had. He'd fallen back into a deep depression, barely leaving his apartment. Barely drinking coffee, and very rarely leaving his bed.

"Hey, babe. I'm home." He called, walking into his gorgeous farmhouse. Sure, it needed a lot of work. But he had hands, and he knew how to use them. He headed straight into the kitchen, where she was standing over the sink, with his back to him. He walked up behind her, running his hands down over her swollen belly, and kissing her neck.

"Hey, honey. We missed you." She said, leaning her head back against his chest. He obliged by giving her a passionate kiss on the lips, totally wrapped up in the moment.

"Ew, daddy, no." A little boy's voice said behind him. He turned and quickly swept up his little boy. Hugging him tightly, and kissing him multiples times all over his chubby little cheeks.

"You were just jealous bud," Clint said as the little boy giggled at him. Laura came over and smushed Cooper from the other side. They were a happy little family.

Clint woke with a gasp, in a cold sweat, and on the floor. He never knew that he wanted a family, but dammit did he want that adorable little boy. And that cooking bun in the oven. And there was only one person he wanted it with, and he'd made damn fucking sure he had royally cockblocked himself on that front.

"Nat," Clint gulped. The words that were going to come out of his mouth next already hurt his soul. "I need help." She gave him a look but nodded. Then she pointed him to a chair and they got to planning.

It was a massive undertaking. Probably the biggest show of emotions that he'd ever done, and would probably ever do. But now, he had a plan. And he was going to win her back, and get the farm and the family.

It was set to start with a flash mob, to that song from the end of dirty dancing. It was a reference back to their first date, and Clint was going to surprise her with the lift.

She was in the middle of it all, looking around just as confused as he'd ever seen her. But dammit were those big Bambi eyes adorable. He dropped down into the crowd behind her.

"Excuse me, miss. May I have this lift?" He asked, and she spun around to glare dead into his eyes. Okay, this was going to be fun.

"Okay, I know I know," Clint said, as she stepped forward and smacked him. Clint definitely hadn't seen that coming.

"Oh, you know just how I like my foreplay." He joked, and she smacked him again. The other side this time.

"Okay, right. I deserved that. I was, and am a huge asshole. That's what she said. Sorry, sorry. Be serious Clinton.

"Um, so right. I'm seriously fucked up. You don't know this, because I was trying not to let you in. Because anytime I let someone in, all it does is end in hate and fights and I get super hurt. And so, yes. I sabotaged us.

"I know, I know. Shitty thing to do. But we were getting too close, and that scared me. Because I'm a stallion, but you. You could definitely break me. Um, make me an honest man I guess.

"What am I getting at? Right, yes. There's a point here. Um, Laura. I, I, dammit Clinton. Spit it out. That's also what she said. Sorry sorry. Emotions make me cringey.

"I love you, Laura. You're ridiculously spicy for such a vanilla exterior, and so it was always you. And I would be the absolute luckiest man ever if you would take my dumb, but very sexy, ass back." He said, eyes quickly darting back and forth between Laura's unblinking ones. She took a step towards him, and he honestly thought she might smack him again.

"Don't you ever leave me sexually unsatisfied again, and we'll see. Dumbass." Laura said, grabbing his shirt by the collar and pulling him down to her. Their lips crashed together sloppily.

"Now, how about that blowjob?" Laura whispered into his ear when they parted after several long moments. Clint smiled if he could salvage this and not fuck it up again. He would be a very happy man for as long as he lived.

[the-desert-dancer]

I got tagged by the amazing @vaultsexteen, so Imma try and do this with my newest Courier, Solomon Tilo. I hope this is good? Anyway lets start this!

Rules:

1. Choose an OC.

2. Answer them as that OC.

3. Tag 5 people to do the same

1. What is your name?

Its Solomon. Solomon Tilo

2. How old are you?

Well daddy dearest never bothered keeping track of that information, so how should I know? 40, maybe.

3. What do you look like?

Someone you don’t wanna piss off, that good enough of an answer? I’m tall, bulky, and got a face not even a mother could love.

4. Where are you from? Where do you live now?

No place you’ve ever heard of. I come from Cave Creek, a place in what used to be Arizona. See, I knew you wouldn’t know where it is. Anyway, where I live now? I’m currently stuck in the Mojave, but I don’t have any permanent location. I prefer it that way.

5. What was your childhood like?

Oh my childhood was just delight after delight. Forced to participate in fights to the death in the afternoon, beaten like a dog by my drunk dad in the evening. Absolutely delightful childhood, it was. Happy you brought it up now?

6. What groups are you friendly with? Are you allied with any factions?

Allies? All allies are, are people who haven’t stabbed you in the back yet. So no, I am not ‘allied’ with any faction. I’m friendly enough with the NCR, long as they don’t go sticking their nose in my business.

7. Tell me about your best friend.

Didn’t you just hear me talking a few seconds before? I ain’t got no allies or friends, just the way I like it. So stop asking me dumb questions, before I start getting really pissed off.

8. Do you have a family? Tell me about them!

I have a family, but it ain’t none of your business who they are. Next question.

(Author’s Note: Solomon has three younger siblings, all of whom currently reside within NCR territory).

9. What about a partner or partners?

Do I look like the type of man interested in sex? Its what causes men in my line of work to get killed; they sleep around, let their guard down, and sooner than later they end up with a knife in their chest and their caps stolen.

10. Who are your enemies, and why?

Oh, the Legion easily. As much of a bastard as I am, I ain’t into the flesh trade. Unlike a lotta people, I’ve been in Legion territory; my old home town got burnt to the ground by the Legion, the only good thing those Bull fuckers have ever done. But the things I’ve seen Legion soldiers do to their captives...that shit is too much even for me, and I once curb stomped a guy’s head into the pavement til it was just red paste.

11. Have you ever heard of The Brotherhood of Steel? What do you think about them?

Yeah, I heard of them. Once all big and mighty, hoarding tech and acting all superior to everyone else. Now? Now they’re just rats, hiding in their little caves, praying no-one finds them. I would feel bad for them, if I gave a shit.

12. What about The Enclave?

*Solomon lets out a loud laugh* Oh the big bad Enclave, the boogie man of the Wasteland. All the time when I was a kid, I had to hear stories about just how scary the Enclave was, about all the horrible ways they could take me or my family away and no-one will ever see them again. Now? They’re just ghosts, a forgotten memory. So why should I be concerned about the dead, huh?

13. How do you feel about Super Mutants?

Only thing in the Wastelands uglier than me. Most of those Muties are crazier than a Jet addict going through withdrawals and deserve to be put down. Simple.

14. What’s the craziest fight you’ve ever been in?

I’ve been fighting for years, things tend to blend together for me honestly. If I had to choose...it’d have to be this fight I had years ago, with this Great Khan, I don’t even know what his name was. This fucker was hopped up on so many chems, he just wouldn’t go down. I broke his fingers, his nose, even his goddamn right knee. He just kept getting back up and charging me, screaming like a freaking lunatic. Took a bullet to the brain to finally put his ass down.

15. Have you ever fought a Deathclaw?

You know, I once knew a mercenary, name was Obu. Big guy, dumb as bricks. Fancied this girl who wouldn’t even give him the time of day. Well Obu got it into his big dumb brain that if he killed a Deathclaw and brought its head back as a trophy, then this girl would finally give a shit about him. Well when the search party finally found Obu, half of him was spread out across the ground and the other half was in a Deathclaw’s belly.

Why did I tell you that little story? Well do you think I’m as fucking stupid as Obu was? Cause you don’t fuck with Deathclaws, you give them a goddamn wide berth.

16. Do you like fighting?

If that ain’t a loaded question...*Solomon chuckles, shaking his head*. No, not really. I hate it, every fucking second of it. Reminds me of when daddy dearest forced me to fight people to the death when I was just a kid. But ya know what? I use that in my fights. That anger, that hatred, that fucking fury, into beating up anyone that gets in my way. I want them to know just how I feel, when Im kicking their teeth in.

17. What’s your weapon of choice?

Whatever I can reach for. In the mercenary business, you can’t get too attached to your weapons; shit breaks after a while. But when push comes to shove? I can always rely on my fists, unlike these other mercs who piss themselves if they don’t got their precious fancy laser weapons.

18. How do you survive? Your wits, your charm, your skills, brute force, some combination? (a.k.a. what’s your S.P.E.C.I.A.L?)

Charms? You’ve obviously never met me if you think I have any charm whatsoever. I survive cause I’ve been fighting people to the death since I was 14 and taken beatings since I was born. That enough of an answer?

19. Have you ever been in a vault? What do you think about them?

Only when I’ve been really desperate and needed the caps. Those Vaults I tell ya, they’re death traps. Just experiments meant to fuck with people, and causing everyone to end up dead. That’s all those Vaults seem to do. Now why don’t I like going in Vaults? Cause the things that killed the original Vault Dwelllers, tend to still stick around. Like when I was hired to do a job in Vault 22…let’s just say I burned the entire goddamn Vault to the ground when I was done and locked it behind me.

20. How do you beat all the radiation around here? Has it affected you?

Stock up on Radaway and Rad-X, easy. It ain’t too hard.

21. What’s your favorite wasteland critter?

Molerats; easy to kill and easy source of meat.

22. What’s your least favorite wasteland critter?

Anyone who’s a mercenary will agree with me on this; cazadores. Those fuckers pick up the scent of blood from miles away and will hunt you down til they're drinking you dry. Getting wounded out in the Wastes is a goddamn death sentence, if you’re picked up by a Cazador.

23. How do you feel about robots?

They exist. I don’t exactly trust them though; they just seem like they’re ready to kill you at any second.

24. How many caps do you have on you right now?  

Oh you don’t wanna know the answer to that question. Cause if I answer it, I’mma have to put your ass to sleep.

25. Nuka Cola or Sunset Sarsaparilla?

Do I look like a kid?

26. Do you do chems?

Of course not. Chems are for fucking idiots who have more caps than common sense.

27. Do you ever think about the Pre-War world?

Why should I think about them? They’re all dead, just ghosts. Even them ghouls who still are around, they’re not even alive; they’re just shells, dead people walking who don’t know their dead yet. I don’t bother myself with the dead, I focus on the living.

28. What’s your deepest regret? What would you do differently?

I didn’t kill my dad sooner. Next question.

29. What’s your biggest achievement? Or what do you hope to achieve?

My biggest achievement? I’m still alive. Who gives a shit about what you achieve, if you’re dead?

30. What do you want for the future? For yourself? Your friends? The world?

To still be alive, although I doubt it. Mercenaries ain’t exactly got a long shelf life, ya know. But that’s a road I’ll cross when I get to it.

I tag @goblin-deity, @fewal-cowboy, @cyndercrys, @vkm11 and @crackinglamb

[charlyoddsox27]

its 6am, i havent slept, im bored, so im posting a list of the mercs in order of whom i like the most and reasons why, because thats something i should do i guess?

here goes

(spoilers for the comics down below but either way i think im the only person on earth who has never read them before now)

~~~

~~1. Medic~~

reasons for being my favourite:

• fucking. look. at. him. 👌

• 'mad german doctor' is one of my favourite tropes and he is a pretty bang-on satirical depiction of it

• cute-ass german accent

• he has pet pidgeons hE LOVES HIS PIDGEON PALS THEY KEEP HIM COMPANY

• healers are the most respectable class imo and since Medic pretty much started it he's automatically the best, thats how it works right?

• he sold some random persons soul to satan in exchange for a ***ballpoint pen*** and can i just say, fucking mood??? (he is literally the "i'd sell you to satan for one cornchip" meme)

• "yes, Archimedes...I couldn't agree more." *shudders* b oi .. .

• so many more reasons to love this gross old doctor so little room in Tumblrs posts.

~~2. Spy~~

reasons for being my second favourite:

• cranky, done with everyones shit, just wants to be left alone, fucking mood

• he's a spy i mean c'mon. look at the swanky-ass suit, look at the class radiating from this asshole.

• he may be a dick but he has a soft side he's just too jaded to show it most of the time (see: Scouts death in the comics?? real tears. honestly wish they'd panned that out more.)

• masks are hot tbFH--

• he enjoys a nice glass of whisky by the fireplace and so do i (fun fact: france is the biggest importer of scottish whisky in the world so its a nice touch)

• shapeshifting is fucking cool are you serious like he can just. do that. what a legend

• "i have a cyanide pill in one of my molars, if i break it then spit some in your mouth before i die, we can avoid being tortured." *'heavy' bursts in to save them* "PFFTHBTHF--"

• "SEDUCE ME."

• arrogant frenchman is one of my other favourite tropes and this is the most arrogant frenchman ive ever seen

• he's the only fully sane Merc, maybe apart from Engie.

• people love to hate him bc he's an asshole but...come on. after working with all those other weirdos for years, you'd be pretty jaded too.

• as a gross shipper, he's the easiest and the most fun (imo) to ship with Medic (rip me)

~~3. Pyro~~

reasons for being my third favourite:

• would have tied with Soldier if it werent for that one picture of them in the comics holding a puppy over their head with the most adoring expression on their mask??? good Pyro. goodest Pyro.

• doesn't do much in the comics but makes up for it in pure charm. look at that soulless face and tell me you dont love it.

• ambiguous gender ambiguous gender amBIGUOUS GENDER AMBIGUOUS GENDER. she/he/they? trans? nb? whatever you headcanon, it'll never be confirmed so its literally up to your own imagination. fucking ace, Valve 👌👌👌

• likes to burn things. god damnit. they like to burn things, guys. but they enjoy it so much, you just cant hate them, you can only feel a sympathetic joy that this precious lunatic is having fun in their own little world.

• canonically mentally ill (schizoprenia? it could be hallucinogenic drugs but i like to think its schizophrenia.)

• pretty sure they burned a pair of pedophiles in the comics. at least i think thats what those panels were insinuating. "lets open an orphanage and have an endless supply of kids to--" sounds pretty red-flaggy to me tbh. plus they were the villains so, eh?

• bludgeoned a bear to death until its skull was pulp because it insulted their special interest. you go, Pyro.

• for a few bits in the comics they have a really cute family dynamic going on with other Mercs, Soldier for example."Miss Pauling, Pyros on my side of the car." "Miss Pauling, Pyro cut off my hand." fuckin' cuties.

• when they start putting on like 50 shirts to keep warm in the Russian mountains. chubby.

• a gas mask that can function as both badass, and completely adorable.

• just. everything about them. how could you not love them. they're not in the wrong, you are. stay away from my misunderstood child and let them burn things god damnit.

~~4. Soldier~~

look I'm sorry, I love Soldier and he was gonna be tied with Pyro but that fucking puppy drawing sold me.

• absolute gold every second he speaks. he could sneeze and i'll laugh.

• such a dumbass you cant get annoyed at him for it. like. just agree with him and move on. no point reasoning with a boulder. "haha! silly Miss Pauling, thinking theres different types of blood." Medic: "haha yes! indeed, silly."

• HUTTAH *NECK SNAP*

• i'm not American and even i can see how blatantly his character mocks stereotypical Patriotic Americans™. but its so dumb and laughable, its adorable.

• EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH ZHANNA IS A BLESSING. EVERYTHING.

• the first "meet the Mercs" video i ever saw was "meet the Soldier" so he holds a special place in my heart

• (preaches about experiencing the horrors of war; has never actually been to war. shh dont tell anyone though--) *neck gets snapped*

~~5. Demoman~~

• I'm Scottish. even though his accent is absolute garbage (no offense to the VA), any representation is very nice.

• Black AND Scottish?? i mean has a character like that even existed before TF2??? amazing example of representation right there. there are barely even any black people in Scotland, how did this happen. I love it. more of this, please.

• he's a drunk guy who blows shit up for shits and giggles and god I wish I could too, sounds like a miracle stress-reliever.

• his sassy black scottish mother. combining the stereotypical black mother with the stereotypical scottish mother is literally the best thing that ever happened.

• the bit in the comic where Medic explains that Demo can't remember what happened to his eye bc he scooped out part of his brain, and the look on Demo's face. just. the look.

• again, he's scottish, he's stereotypical, and he's awesome.

~~6. Sniper~~

• underrated

• piss jars. piss jars everywhere.

• "no dad, im not a crazed murdering lunatic, I'm an assassin. ...well one's a job and the other's mental sickness!!"

• "meet the Sniper" has kickass music

• ruffled gross old man who isn't actually old, he's just seen some SHIT

• actually given development in the comics + some really good scenes with Spy.

• so suave...so...handsome. handsome ruffled bushman. me like.

• he dies first in the comics but gets brought back and gets a cool-ass scar. and then he's just walking around naked everywhere for the rest of the comic. Medic, where the fuck did you put his clothes.

• isn't actually Australian. thats like one of the biggest twists in the comic. "no wonder i was never inhumanly strong and my chest hair didn't grow into the shape of Australia!!" Classic.

• says "bugger" a lot and i love that word

• he needs a hug, let me hug him. and give him a bath.

~~7. Heavy~~

I'm gonna be crucified for putting the big lad so low but i promise i dont dislike any of the Mercs. he'd be higher up but...ive never really liked big huge tank-men tbh :/

• loveable as fuck

• will murder you if you bully his puny little Medic

• i looove Russian accents omfg

• he like big gun. i can respect that.

• when Medic was killed and he went APESHIT on Classic!Heavy and I lost my fuckin' mind over that shit

• he probably has a soft spot for small cute animals. i love imagining him being swarmed by Medics flock of doves and petting them like "good bird...so many good bird..."

• actually smarter than people give him credit for???

• i really really wish his character was a lil more fleshed out but. that's just me. i love him but he doesn't have the same appeal to me as Medic or Spy.

• his entire relationship with Medic...ugh. yes. best friends and/or boyfriends. all good to me 👌

• he named his gun Sasha and that's adorable

~~8. Engineer~~

• gOD, FUCK, I REALLY WISH HE DID MORE IN THE COMICS. i barely know anything about his character. i like him a lot but...god, he...he doesn't...do.....anything.......

• he built a cool robot arm for himself and AI turrets and teleporter machines and guns that fire magic healing powers and immortality machines, in the 1960s. what. some kind of wizard fuckery is this.

• smoothest voice in the west

• "y'all"

~~9. Scout~~

oh god i really am gonna be crucified. i dont hate him i just. like him the least.

• shitboy

• reminds me of a shitty ex but also kinda relateable in a way

• some genuinely funny bits in the shorts.

• gross horny hetero teen boy with a god complex and serious daddy issues. also, he can't read. the "sex bom" tattoo on his chest will be an eternal testament to that. nice job, Spy. you raised him good.

~~~

hoo boy there we go theres all the boys, all the beautiful boys (and Scout) in order of how much i love them. if i made any errors in my info about the canon, feel free to send me death threats 💙 (no seriously tell me though, being a newbie is embarrassing)

so uh. yeah. that took two hours to write. its now 8am. im still bored lol. bye i guess.

[salty-dracon]

ace hang plays calling cipher part 2

(Last Time on Calling Cipher... )

Lily, screaming, and banging her hands on the table: LET RILEY SAY FUCK

(jump cut)

Lily, screaming: LET RILEY SAY FUCK OUT LOUD! NOT IN HER HEAD! WE ALL SAY FUCK INTERNALLY! AAAAA

Brid: Lily, I am begging you to calm down. This is a video game! 

Lily: *literally falls off her chair* 

Brid: Lily? Lily, are you okay? Lily?

------------

Brid: Hey guys, Ace Hang is back again with more Calling Cipher! I’m Bridget!

Lily: And I’m Lily!

Brid: When we last left off, we finished the prologue, met our protagonist, thirsted over her... 

Lily: Mostly that. 

Brid: She was so cute, though... 

Lily: We also met a few characters, thank god we’re not the only girl here, learned there was some kind of conspiracy going on, and now we’re playing detective because we’re dumb and foolish, and we’ve recruited our friends to help us. Because we are all dumb and foolish. 

Brid: So what exactly did we learn? 

Lily: Maybe they should have watched the first video in the series. 

Brid: ... Yeah. Anyway, we stole a file from a school computer and some short kid thinks we’re our long-distance boyfriend. 

Lily: Plus we ran into our ex, and also got teased over us accidentally thirsting over our calc professor. 

Brid: By everyone and their mom. And our mom too. Like damn, she’s thirsty.

Lily: Not fun. 

Brid: I think the fact that we’re making a second part makes us qualify as masochists. 

--------

Lily: Oh, hey. Chase. What’s up?

Brid: Rich people things. The economy. Republicans. Nyu hu hu hu hu. 

Lily: Never say that again. Anyway, we’re really diving right into the investigation, aren’t we? 

Brid: Yeah. Wrong route, girl. 

Lily: Nah. 

--------

Lily: She’s out here wondering if he has a swimmer bod.

Brid: I don’t actually know any swimmers, so... no wait, actually, Narin’s older brother does swim a lot, so...

Lily: But you’ve never seen him shirtless.

Brid: Yeah, no.

(five second asexual silence while music plays in the background)

Lily: Are all straight people like this?

Brid: Aw, he just winked. 

Lily: AW????

(some lines of text later, the protagonist just straight up says that the professor has a spider on his head, without making any side comments on how stupid that move was)

Brid: W O W. that was... a move. Not a power move. A move.

Lily: She doesn’t even regret that one. Holy shit.

Brid: If I said something that stupid I think I’d die of embarrassment. “Hey, Mr. Balls. There’s a spider on your head, that’s why I was staring at your piercing.”

Lily: I love how he fell for it, too! 

Brid: Fucking hell. He might actually have a personality that isn’t just “horny”. 

Lily: Oh my god, isn’t it funny that he joked about the spider and his name is Mr. Parker?

Brid: There is no way they’re going to pull a spiderman joke.

(the option to pull a spiderman joke)

Lily: OH MY GOD

Brid: THE ABSOLUTE MADWOMAN

Lily: AN ICON! A LEGEND!

Brid: LET ME MARRY HER

--------

Brid: So Riley wants to take over her parents’ network security company, while Chase wants to take over the pharm business, and... 

Lily: Guess so. And? 

Brid: Well, my parents do financial consulting, and they want me to take over. And you know how Nick’s parents are, like, huge stockholders in Kronus Technologies? 

Lily: ... Nick... who? 

Brid: Nick Kronus. I don’t think you’ve met him, but he stays at Mr. Perch’s place sometimes. He and Val... don’t exactly get along. 

Lily: Oh. So... rich prodigal son. 

Brid: Yeah. So.... actually, it’s kind of cool that both Riley and Chase want to take over their respective businesses. I mean, I don’t, and like... I’m hoping Mr. Perch will let me take on an internship or something. 

Lily: Dude, you know he’d do anything for you. He likes you more than he likes his own kid. 

Brid: I feel bad, honestly. 

(dialogue) 

Brid: “What are you up to, Chase Colton? What’s your deal?” Oh, man. He’s trying to look for information on Reynolds, isn’t he? 

Lily: Yeah... We did tell him, yeah? 

Brid: Of course. He was with us when we were looking over the computers. 

Lily: Wait, but familiar word-

(Matt walks in) 

Lily: GOD DAMN IT

Brid: I KNOW THIS IS YOUR ROUTE BUT FUCK YOU

Lily: WE ARE BUSY

Brid: YES YOU ARE INTERRUPTING SOMETHING

Lily: Oh, he knows who Chase is, too. 

Brid: Oh no. Also, I love how Chase is taller. That’s so funny. 

(dialogue) 

Brid: Oh yeah, I forgot that this was a community college. Yeah, why is Chase attending a community college? 

Lily: I love how Matt is just chipping into him. 

Brid: Man, Riley doesn’t even give a fuck. 

--------

Lily: Oh. “There are rumors of an undercover cop working the case”. That’s interesting. 

Brid: Wait. Wait. Could that be referring to Kai? 

Lily: ... Huh? 

Brid: Remember he was chatting with that guy that called him “shorty”? 

Lily: Oh, yeah. 

Brid: But first, lemme go grocery shopping! 

(The let me take a selfie song plays in the background with a bunch of grocery store vines displayed on screen for like 30 seconds) 

--------

Lily: Love this elevator music. 

Brid: (laughs out loud) She hit someone with a shopping cart! 

Lily: Fucking disaster bi! Lily: OH MY GOD IT’S THE FUCKIN. THE FUCKIN CALC GUY

Brid: SORRY WE FUCKING RAN YOU OVER WITH A SHOPPING CART DUDE

Lily: JE NE REGRETTE NEIN

Brid: I REGRETTE IT

Lily: “so anyway you just killed my foot”

Brid: “no i didn’t”

Lily: “fuck you i’ll sue”

Brid: “you’re poor”

Lily: “and now you’re roasting me”

Brid: “shut up and i’ll buy you coffee”

Lily: “and now you want to poison me”

Brid: “ha joke’s on you i’m a mess”

Lily: This fucking banter, dude. 

--------

Brid: She’s a PALADIN who rides a GIANT FLYING MANTA???

Lily: I LOVE her. 

Brid: I’d die for her. 

Lily: Damn, he sure knows a lot about network security. HMMMMMM

Brid: Oh would you calm down?

(more witty banter until he calls her cute)

Brid: “HE JUST CALLED ME CUTE!” Fool, I’m in love with her too! 

Lily: You’re out there, and she’s- OH SHIT! SHE JUST GOT HIT IN THE FACE WITH A DODGEBALL!

Brid: Ouch!

Lily: Okay, but like, seriously? I’ve gotten hit in the face with dozens of balls and yeah. Ouch. 

(romantic scene) 

Brid: She is so cute. 

Lily: Wait. He has a ponytail? 

Brid: So? Sam has one. Anyway, she’s precious. 

Lily: SHE THOUGHT FUCK AGAIN-

-------

Brid: Great. We call our mom and get even more roasted. 

Lily: I. Hate this. But at the same time, I wish my mom were, like, cool. 

Brid: Okay, but like, yeah. I’d take being roasted over the bullshit I have to deal with every day. 

Lily: Anyway, I now know where she got that sass of hers. 

Brid: “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS??”

Lily: “I’m a romantic, honey! Also, like... make sure you get me some of that”

Brid: Oh, she’s asking about that program that deletes the original from the original IP. 

Lily: Right. I love how the mom’s just like- “no. don’t do this again, honey. you promised”

Brid: This fucking MC... she is so valid. 

-------

Lily: Oh hey. It’s Kai. 

Brid: Time to pull out my Val impression. 

Lily: Can’t wait! 

Brid: “How the hell should I know? Did you give all of the computers nicknames?” Pff. I love doing my Val impression for this guy. It’s so on point. 

Lily: What did Val say about your Val impression, anyway? 

Brid: He said that my voice was too high pitched to sound anything like his voice, but Arthur said the inflection was spot-on!

Lily: I definitely see that, yeah. 

Brid: I mean, he’s so Val, though... 

Lily: Don’t start assigning kins, now. 

Brid: I’m not looking to get murdered by one of my co-stars. Oh, hey, Chase is here. 

Lily: And looks like we’re actually going to learn something. 

-------

Brid: Dyphine! 

Lily: A drug they’re working on. Stolen two years ago... 

Brid: And Jennifer Reynolds stole it and deleted every other copy. 

Lily: Damn. 

Brid: And you could net a lot of cash for it. 

Lily: ... Wow. And he needs our help to track her down. 

Brid: Do you trust him? 

Lily: Do I trust anyone? 

Brid: Yeah, good point. I mean, it’s Big Pharma, but at the same time, he’s been earnest with us. 

Lily: Oh, but wait! We have the formula! 

Brid: Yes! Let’s solve this case. 

Lily: I swear to god, if we head back home and it’s deleted. Because that’s totally going to happen. 

-------

Lily: OH NO. We’ve been hacked. 

(text on screen pointing to brid with her eyes wide at the art)

Brid: Well, shit. Cinematic hacking time! 

Lily: And this music is epic! It’s like final boss shit! 

Brid: Go girl! Go counter hack them!

Lily: YEAH BABEY

Brid: “If I’m going down, you’re coming with me, motherfucker! Yeah baby!”

Lily: I can’t believe she’s spamming the connection with pussy pics. 

Brid: ... did you have to phrase it like that

Lily: Hey, they’re saying something. I’ll voice it. “Bitmap? Really?”

Brid: “SORRY NOT SORRY”

Lily: “You have something of mine...” Oh no, it’s Jennifer!

Brid: Oh my god. 

Lily: Wait, no...? “I’m the guy who’s about to break your last shield”...? 

Brid: What? 

Lily: Wow, this is intense. “Nice job with the flooding btw.” Damn. “Would have worked if I weren’t on Egon.” Where was that mentioned before?

Brid: Huh. 

Lily: “Cute pic, though. Later, kitten.”

Brid: ... Is it... the teacher? 

Lily: Let’s see... yarn... crap, I can’t see past the dialogue box. 

Brid: Mah girl’s fired up! What’s next, baby! 

Lily: ... 

Brid: ... 

Lily: THERE’S AN UNRELEASED PART 2??

----------

(post video)

Brid: So what are your theories regarding Calc Daddy?

Lily: ... did you have to call him that

Brid: *snort*

Lily: Okay, like in all seriousness... hold on, give me like, fifteen minutes to collect my thoughts, because I have a lot of theories and they need some time in the Brain Oven. 

(one jump cut later, Lily is holding up a sheet of paper, which Brid is trying to look at, but Lily isn’t letting her)

Lily: Okay, so my conclusion from what I saw so far is that there is a 90% chance that he is, at the very least, connected to Juh-Reynolds and he’s either Jennifer herself, or working with her. My reasons are thus. First, you saw in the prologue that he called Ry-Ry “his little thief” indicating that she stole something from him. And he traced it using an IP address. So unless ya boi Cipher somehow VPN’d and made us a puppet, that file was somehow “his”. But wouldn’t it belong to Jreynolds, since Dyphine was HER research?

Brid: A-jreynold-in.

Lily: Fuck you. Second, and this one’s more of a symbolism thing, you might recall that password for the file was “icarus”. You know who he is, right?

Brid: Yeah, the guy who sculpted wax wings, flew into the sky, and then they melted and he fell.

Lily: You know how his sprite has a necklace shaped like a wing when he’s not wearing clothes?

Brid: When he’s not wearing clothes?

Lily: When he’s not wearing his suit and tie. Oh my god, we’re not at third base yet!

Brid: *laughs* Okay, but like, actually... that is interesting, I never made that connection.

Lily: Third, you saw how hard he grilled Chase over the whole “why the fuck are you attending a community college” thing. We didn’t notice because he was literally doing exactly what we wanted to do, and giving us the answers without us even needing to ask.

Brid: Yeah, and Riley was like, “yeah, keep saying shit”. I don’t know if he thought we shared the same goal or something... or if it was just a coincidence. Or, no! He probably wanted to know what we needed to know for J. K. Reynolds.

Lily: And number 4 does fit in with all of these, plus it also gives a clue to his motive. He said some things that would sound normal, except, they might not... I forget the exact context, but something about buying something expensive came up, and Riley said something like “aren’t you a community college professor, why are you doing something expensive, you don’t get paid for shit” and I think it was about moving into the neighborhood, though I could be wrong. And like, even though Riley is attending a community college, her parents are like network security people, she’s rich. And he’s... not?

Brid: Okay?

Lily: Recall that Chase said that you could make a shit ton of money from selling that formula. If he’s not J-Money herself, I think he’s working with her for a cut of the profits. More than enough to buy a house.

Brid: Right, and whatever answer he was about to give, we never got to hear it because mah girl got hit in the face with a soccer ball. 

Lily: Also, this one might be weird, but remember when we were hacked and we were sent a kitten picture?

Brid: Yeah?

Lily: Wasn’t the kitten sitting on a really pink blanket?

Brid: Yeah, it was, I think. Why are you asking?

Lily: It was shown off, so I think it’s relatively significant. This might be a long shot, and it does have a few conditions, but recall that he said at some point that he was staying with a friend. And I think he does chat with Riley at some point about high level computer stuff. Assuming he was the hacker or knew the hacker, I think from that, and the fact that the blanket was pink, that we can infer that his friend is a woman. And who’s the only adult woman in this series? ... besides our dirty minded mom?

Brid: It’s Jennolds!

Lily: That was... actually really clever. And we know that she can’t exactly show her face with Chase around. So she might be sending someone to do her dirty work for her. *eyes light up* ... wait, who’s the professor he replaced? Because he said that he’d be subbing for someone, some female professor, and then he cancelled all of our tests-

Brid: ...

Lily: ...

(they both dive for the keyboard)

(Text pops up on black: It was “Professor Mendez”, not “Reynolds”. Well, shit.)

(More text: The wing necklace part was correct. The grilling Chase part was also correct. However, though the pieces about him not getting paid much as a community college professor was mentioned, there was nothing about how much it cost to move into the neighborhood. We might have been thinking of the cosplayer character. But we forgot the fact that he happened to know network security programs pretty well when we were talking about the manta ray mount.)

(More text: Also, we were wrong about the pink blanket. It was more of a grey-ish-purple, but there was also a ball of yarn and a folded blue striped something on the blanket. Wonder what it could be?... seriously Lily thought it was his tie, but the text box is a bitch)

(More text: Anyway our conclusions are the same. Unless these were a bunch of red herrings.)

[madilayn]

My Best Friend, My Brother

This is a Secret Santa gift for @flyboytracy who asked for the BroTP of Scott and Virgil.

Here we have it - wee Tracy’s, Momma, and brothers reflecting.  

I hope you like it Thor!!

~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**

Scott Tracy nestled against his momma’s side and stroked the swelling of her belly that contained (apparently) his new baby brother.  He giggled as he did so, feeling lumps and bumps that weren’t readily apparent under his mother’s loose shirt.  

 Lucy smiled down at her young son, one arm around him and the other resting on her belly.  “Not long now, Scotty, until baby arrives.  He already likes you.  Momma can tell.”

 Scott grinned, his vivid blue eyes wide and he hugged her belly.  “Love baby too, Momma.”

 “I know.  You are going to be the best big brother to baby.” The sound of keys rattling in the door made them both look up to see Jeff entering and looking relieved as he stepped into the air conditioned room, neatly hanging up his uniform tunic, tucking his cap into the pocket.  As he stripped off his tie and flung it over the tunic he bend down and caught up Scott as he ran on two chubby legs towards his much loved father.

 “How’s my boy today?” Jeff said, swinging him high into the air, to the great joy of the small boy.

 “Daddy, daddy!”  Scott clung like a monkey to his father and proceeded to happily babble away about the day  - most of which Jeff couldn’t understand but he smiled and nodded anyway as he sad on the couch next to his wife and kissed her lovingly.  

 “And you, my Lucy?”

 She returned the kisses and rested her head on his shoulder.  “I’m going to be pleased when this one makes his appearance,” she said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not much bigger than Scotty.  Fortunately he seems to be a lot more placid.”

 Jeff kissed her on the head. “It wouldn’t be hard,” he said, stroking her belly.  

 “He loves music already. When I play or listen I can feel him snuggling inside me – quite content.”   She felt a small hand patting her and smiled adoringly at her son who was sitting on his father’s knee and patting her.  “And he also responds so well to Scott.  I can feel him reaching for him.”

 Jeff shook his head.  “The fancies you have,” he said.  

 Lucy just smiled.  “You’ll see.  I was right about Scott.”

**~~**~~**~~**~~

Scott was frightened. Even though Grandma and Grandpa were with him, Momma and daddy weren’t.  

 Momma had said that she and daddy were going to get the baby and would be back, but that was hours ago!  Scott had had lunch and his afternoon nap since then!  What if Momma never came back?   What if she decided she liked the new baby better?

Scott began to whimper. He wanted Momma.  Now!

Sally Tracy did all she could, but Scott wouldn’t be consoled.  Not his favourite warmed milk, or his plush plane or any of his other toys would work.  All he wanted was his mother to come back to him.

Jeff was feeling a mixture of joy and relief.  This second baby was much bigger than Scott and Lucy had had a much harder time giving birth, and Lucy and baby Virgil were both staying at the hospital for a couple of days so that Lucy could rest.  He was thrilled that Virgil had arrived safely, but also relieved that Lucy’s labor had been hard, but quite short.  And that Virgil seemed to be a placid baby.

He was surprised to arrive home to find his oldest son in a complete temper.  Scott had storms, but they were usually over quickly.   He took his oldest son from his mother and tried to soothe him.  

“Hey Scotty, what’s with the tears?  No need to cry.”

“Momma!  Momma!  Momma gone!!”

“She’s only gone for a couple of days, son.  It was time for your baby brother to arrive, and Momma and Virgil are very tired after he arrived.  So she’s staying with him in the hospital for a couple of days until they are both feeling better.”

The little boy was still crying but not as much.  “Want Momma!” he said snuffling into his father’s neck.

Jeff patted him on the back, knowing exactly his feelings.  He was missing Lucy’s presence in the house already, and knew that he would not sleep well that night.  He never slept well without her curled up against him.  

“We can go and see Momma tomorrow, Scott.  And you can meet your new brother.”  He could feel his little boy hiccupping against his shoulder, tears were still flowing, but the tantrum had passed.  

Jeff sat down gratefully at the kitchen table, and shifted Scott to sit on his knee.  He hadn’t realised that Scott would get so upset, and determined that he would never let his family worry about him and Lucy not coming back again.

~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**

Lucy smiled as her husband and oldest son came into the hospital room.  She was sitting cross legged on the bed and held out her arms to her little boy who leaned from his father’s arms to get to her.  “What’s this I hear about you thinking I wouldn’t come back?” she asked him as he snuggled into her, clinging tight.  “Momma will always come back for you, my little man! I promise.”

She put her face up for Jeff’s kiss  and then grinned as he went to the crib next to the bed where their newest son lay napping. ”He looks much better than he did yesterday,” Jeff said.

Lucy was rocking Scott who just seemed content to be cuddled with her.  “Well, he’d had a rough trip yesterday. I think he’s beautiful.”    

Jeff sat down on the bed with his newest son cradled lovingly in his arms.  All that could be seen was a tuft of black hair.  “Scott?  Son? You want to meet your new brother?”

Scott peeped out from his mother’s side.  He was here? The baby in momma’s tummy was here?   He climbed over the bed to sit next to his father and felt his mother gently pull him further back.  “Don’t fall Scott.  Be careful.”

Jeff turned and brought the baby down to Scott’s level so he could see.  “This is Virgil.  He’s come to be your new little brother.”

“You’ll have to be careful with him first Scott,” Lucy said.  “But you’re his big brother and you will need to look out for him and help us to teach him.  And he’s going to be by your side always, as brothers are.  He’s going to be your first friend.”

Scott leaned forward just as the baby’s eyes opened.  Blue, as all newborn eyes were, but in the depths was a tinge of honey brown.  Scott reached out one tiny finger and gently stroked it down the baby’s face, unable to move his eyes away.  He heard everything that his mother was saying and took it straight to his heart.

~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**

Scott looked at his brother, who shifted uncomfortably on his bed.  “Don’t expect sympathy,” he said, trying to be stern.  “You came home from that mission and didn’t get yourself checked out.  And then you started working on Two.”

 “I thought I was OK.”

 “Breaking your own rules, Virge.  Allie was terrified when you went down.”

 “Like I said – I thought that I was OK.”

 Scott shook his head incredulously.  “Virge, you stopped a falling elevator using you and the exosuit.  I thought I was the one who did dumb things.”

 Virgil grinned – or grimaced.  Scott wasn’t sure.  “I can’t let you have all the fun.   How did you find out?”

 “That Fire Chief – McCready – she contacted us to check on you.  Just as Allie let out a shriek that brought Brains running to the hangar.  I got back to the middle of the chaos.”

 “And a good time was had by all.   But honestly Scott – I’m fine.  The fact that I’m here in….”  Virgil paused and looked around the room.  “Your bed.  Really?”

 “You’re my brother.  And my best friend.  I had to keep an eye on you, so we brought you here.  You’ve put on weight, Virge.”  Scott’s blue eyes were twinkling, now that he knew that his iimmediate younger brother was not in any immediate danger or severely injured. Muscle strain, Brains had said. Bruising.  It would be a week or so before Virgil was fully up to full strength. But nothing broken.  

 “It took me, Gords, Allie, Brains and Max to get you up here.”

 “I’m not fat.  It’s all muscle.”  Virgil tried to look outraged, but failed.  He tried to sit up, and drew in a sharp breath.  

 Scott hastily moved to help him, his hands gentle, his arms strong as he helped, and Virgil gratefully leaned back against his big brother.  “I don’t need you smothering me,” he said.  “Just help me get to the bathroom and then back to my own bed.”

 “Bathroom yes – but you’re staying here.  Brains said bed rest for the next couple of days to let your muscles heal.  Minimal walking”

 “Brains is a mother hen.”

 “Brains is only doing what you’d do.  Have done.   Be grateful – I could be letting Gordon loose on you.”

 “For that I am grateful.” Virgil manouvered himself to the edge of the bed, gratefully accepting Scott’s help and leaning against him as he made his way to the bathroom.  

 He didn’t complain as Scott helped him to the hot shower and then helped him dress in fresh pyjamas and back to the bed where he relaxed with a sigh.  It had been a while since he had been injured enough to need help, and he had almost forgotten what it was like to just put himself in the hands of his big brother to be looked after.  

 Scott’s bed was comfortable, and he just enjoyed himself relaxing.  Scott bought in his sketch pad and pencils and a LiteType. And hot chocolate – his favourite treat.  It’s warmth seemed to ease sore muscles and the bruises that were livid even on the tanned colour of his skin.  

 All three of his earth-side brothers were there when Cass McCready called again and the room rang with laughter during the conversation.  She repeated her offer for him to join them in her batallion during his holiday and he happily accepted.  It sounded like fun.  

 Scott came out of the bathroom in his own pyjamas.  “Move over – I’m not spending another night on the floor.”

Virgil just stretched out. “You chose to put me here,” he said grinning.  “Tough it out big brother!”  He then moved to the side of the bed.  The last time he had shared a bed with his oldest brother was….

 When momma died.  In that bleak, horrible time, when his best friend had been just as devastated as the rest of the family, but had lived up to the promise he had made to take care of his little brothers, to be the best big brother.  

 He could remember that horrible time, when it was only in the darkest part of the night that Scott could let his own grief overrun.  It was his turn to hold his best friend close, and to offer comfort.

 Everything they went through had only drawn them closer.  Through school, through differing paths of study, they remained best friends.  

 He felt Scott settling and closed his own eyes.  

 Scott made sure Virgil had fallen asleep and then he put his arms behind his head.  His mother had been right.  She had said that Virgil would be his best friend, and she was right. Despite being two completely different people, with different personalities, they were still best friends as well as brothers.

 Scott knew that with his brother by his side, he could accomplish anything.  As he drifted off to sleep, he was smiling.

 Momma was always right.