#like hes definitely an OPTION but i would be truly surprised if they didnt use ray

[thekidsfromyestergay]

"The band are expected to record their fifth studio album with renowned producer Rob Cavallo early next year." ?????????

Girl literally anyone can say that shit. I expect them to fuck live on stage doesn't mean it'll happen

[honeydew-mel0n]

Plz oh great author. I would just like... some dadV content. Just like. V and a child reader. Plz.

This probably isnt what you expected but, here's V being an adopted dad for a 5 year old reader in the ruins of Redgrave. It's not good, but its work. Ig

V x Child! Reader

Dad!V in the rubble of Redgrave.

You hide under the remnants of your bed. The ripped mattress and splintered frame providing little shelter from the horrors that lie beyond your eyelids. You weren't asleep, but still subscribed to the belief that the monsters couldn't get you if they thought you were asleep.

The sound of footsteps approaching lit a flame of hope in your heart, only for it to crash down the moment you heard the monsters come again.

It was so loud, crashing, screaming... were they fighting? If it was battle it ended quickly. And whatever entered your room won. You let out a soft whimper, curling into yourself. The foot steps approach the mess you called a bed. The sound of the mattress being pulled slightly made you burst into tears.

"Well, what do we have here?"

You open your tear filled eyes to see an adult, his black hair and dark clothes. "Mommy left me again- Are the monsters gone!?" His face was almost devoid of emotion. "Yes." "Are you sure?" At first. A smile smile splits his face as he offers you a tattoted hand. "Positive, little one."

_

We've seen before that he could care less about children at first glance, but the mentioning your mother leaving you caused him to instantly attach to you.

Alone, afraid, but this time, no way to protect yourself.

Deep down something inside of him told him that he needs to protect you. To take the job that your obviously useless mother could not handle.

You latch onto him quickly as well, your new protector. You think he's so cool, with his weird clothes, tattoos, and the funny things he says.

The second night he had you, you fell asleep pressed up against him as read a loud.

_

"When we see not thro the eye. Which was born in a night to perish in a night. When the soul slept in beams of light..."

He stops, green eyes boring down at your sleeping form. Your little hand wrapped over the edge of the corset under his coat. A small smile splits his face. Dispite all you had gone through, you still held peace. You would smile up at him after minutes of tucking your head into his side to hide your eyes from the gore that went on in front of you.

Your resilience is unyielding, and he cant help but admire that. It can make him forget that you are just a child. But now, layed out against his heart, he can see your vulnerability more then ever. You were so talkative, so kind, so soft, so... so... human. So very human. Just as he is now.

_

After some time with him, you'll be able to recite whole poems. And god he's never been more proud.

Technically, he's homeless, so finding somewhere safe for you to sleep is his first priority.

You never sleep alone. Never. Either he or one of his familiars is with you.

Scratch that, you are never alone.

He wasnt surprised by Shadow's fondness of you, but was by Griffon's.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah pip squeak, just don't pull on my feathers anymore."

V is easily annoyed, especially by people who talk too much. Unless it's you.

He can sit and listen to you chatter on in excessive detail about the random things you know.

Maybe that's why you and Griffon can get along. It's a constant back and forth of random facts and jokes that go right over your head.

You just like that he talks to you, he likes that he can make any joke and you won't get upset or offended.

V however, hates that he does this.

Seeing as how V tries his best to shield you from the world. You've already suffered so much.

He takes on the task of "dad" rather quickly.

_

You close your eyes tight as he pours the water from his cupped hands over your hair. V hums softly as he scrubs the filth from your skin. It was rather uncomfortable, taking a bath in a fountain, but it wasn't as uncomfortable as caked on dirt and splatters of demon blood. "We're almost done, I promise."

As soon as he found you to be clean enough he takes off his long leather jacket, dispite it just getting dry, he pulls you out and wraps it around you. He lays out your now dry and somewhat clean clothes and let's you try to dress yourself. Shadow letting you lean on her as you tug your clothes back on.

The warmth from fire used to cook the demon meat is enough to make you feel sleepy, if the exhausting day wasnt enough. You leaned against V's side, curling into him. His arm coming around you, assuring you that you're safe.

_

He accepts that he's pretty much your father very quickly.

But it hurts him. He knows what he has to do, and when that happens, what will happen to you? Who could he possibly trust to care for you?

He takes you everywhere, and doesn't let anything touch you.

It's truly Infuriating to him that he doesn't have the strength to carry you. Of course you ride on shadow, but when they handle demons you are left to mercy of the world.

The two of you being attached at the hip leads to a lot of confusion.

Mostly from Nero

"Why the hell do you have a kid???"

When he finally gets to settle down in Nico's van, you get to lay down for a nap.

And he leaves again, he leaves you to sleep. It was safe and he knew you would be fine there, and you definitely needed to sleep.

Nico, surprisingly, didnt mind you.

The entire time he was so nervous. It's been weeks, and this is the first time you haven't been with him.

When V eventually returns, he finds you chatting Nero's ear off. He didn't seem to mind though, he sat quietly with a smile as you talked.

It hit him then.

You could be safe without him.

_

He watched you fiddle with the metal fingers on Nero's devil breaker as you spoke. The young man making the fingers move, to your delight. Your eyes glowed and you looked up at Nero, he nods to what you're saying with a wide smile.

All of the worries in V's head melt away, but are soon replaced with a feeling of melancholy. You would be fine, you would be safe. Without him. He steps in, your head snaps to him, joy spreading on your features as soon at you realize. You run up to him, hugging his leg tightly.

It wasnt long until he has to leave again, and he knew it was the last time he would see you. And somehow, you knew something was wrong. Your small hands rest on his cheeks, sadness written on your entire being. He pulls you close, whispering to you softly. "I will see you again my little one. I will see you again."

Tiny arms hold tight around his neck, warm, wet tears slip down and fall onto his skin. "Are you sure?" "Positive, little one." You hold on tight to him, even after he lets go. Theres a soft whisper, bairly audible. "I love you, daddy." Then, you let go.

Getting to wave him off while holding onto Nico's leg.

_

He knew he wouldnt see you again, either he dies, or becomes one again. The likelihood of seeing you again with both of those options is little to none.

But he feels peace, you'd be safe. You are safe.

He gets weaker and weaker.

He's been close to it before, but this must be what dieing feels like.

Before reuniting with his other half, he still tries to make sure that you will be okay.

His crumbling body is leaning on Nero, hobbling to the end of his life.

"The child... If you survive, take care of them."

[unquestionably-queer]

going off my previous post here but i wrote a mini fanfic/headcanon about zukos nightmares? this is really long but if yall like it im willing to actually write it from zuko’s pov and add dialogue. maybe even put it on ao3 maybe? anywho, id love to hear feedback! enjoy!!

it wasnt uncommon for zuko to wake up in such distress that he started frantically firebending. one time iroh saw his nephew quite literally wake up breathing fire. concerning, but very impressive. since joining the gang, he had worked on not doing that (as much as was in his control), as he had accidentaly burnt down a tent or three. but the nightmares themselves didnt subside.

not uncommon, zuko woke up gasping for breath. his head and heart were pounding, sweat dripping down his chest. he headed outside, planning to go to a nearby stream in hopes of finding some relief and peace, only to find sokka was sitting outside and very much awake. they both stared kind of awkwardly at each other before sokka ushered the older boy over. neither asked why the other was awake. they just made mindless chitchat before falling into a surprisingly comfortable silence. sokka got up to leave, but not before offering his company next time zuko needed it. when asked if the offer was genuine, he laughed. to be honest, he had said, he was just being polite, and didnt expect zuko to actually believe him. what a dick move, they both thought.

he woke up in a similar state a few nights later. he tossed and turned, begging for sleep to claim him again before ultimately grunting and accepting his fate. he wandered outside, once again finding sokka awake. zuko greeted him and explained he was going swimming. it was his silent way of offering his company, which sokka took. what started as idle conversation eventually progressed, and they found themselves floating in the stream talking about their youths. at some point they even talked about how they had both lost their moms due to the war (despite katara thinking she was the only one who had ever experienced any sort of emotional pain.) they hadnt even realized the hours that had gone by until the chirping of bugs was replaced by the chirping of birds and the sun put the stars to sleep.

this pattern continued. while sokka never asked what zukos nightmares were about, zuko learned that despite being a sleep enthusiast, sokka lost many hours of precious shut eye to anxious planning. sometimes they went on a walk, sometimes they were sparring, and sometimes they simply watched the stars. it was nice company, just to the two of them. no offense to aang, but sokka and zuko were closer in age and much more similar than they had originally realized. sokka offered his late night company. before zuko could question him, sokka placed a hand on the firebenders shoulder. anything for a friend.

on one occasion, zuko woke up and stumbled outside without thinking about it, only to be greeted with the faint glow of where the fire was, no man in sight. still groggy and disoriented, he rubbed his eyes and blinked a couple of times before shuffling back to bed, blaming the ache in his chest on the painful memory of his nightmares and not on the absence of a certain someones company. it took a long time before he could fall back asleep.

after becoming firelord, sokka decided to stay in the fire nation. mostly for political planning and engagement until zuko got himself on his own two feet. who else to help than the guy who had spent the past few months travelling the world trying to save it. the avatar, katara had said cooly. which wasnt wrong but sokka was offended that she hadnt just agreed. besides, sokka would assure zuko, its not like he could leave zuko alone. who would be his comedic relief?

since returning to the palace, zuko had gone back to handling his dreams alone, the way he used to. while his bedding was definitely made to withstand the panicked firebending, he figured there were better coping mechanisms. he quietly walked through the halls. the young firelord wasnt paying attention, rather just letting his body go on autopilot and he tried to clear his mind. after a solid 15 minutes of rights and lefts, he found himself a hallway away from sokka’s quarters. after some hesitation, he turned around and went back to his bedroom.

the next time, after much delay and pacing, he knocked on the door. its not like be hadnt’t done this before. it would be just like before. that reasoning didnt stop zuko from immediately turning around and walking away. fortunately. sokka opened the door before he could get too far. zuko awkwardly began to explain his situation, but sokka just interrupted him and told him to wait before shutting the door. zuko stood there mouth still half open from when he was talking before sokka emerged two minutes later, clothed and ready to go. they wandered to the kitchen and talked for what seemed like minutes but must have been hours, as they were politely shooed out by the staff beginning to prepare breakfast. zuko walked sokka back to his quarters before they parted ways. sokka reminded his friend that though things may be different, the option still stood.

many night rendezvous later, zuko showed up particularly shaken. much to sokka’s surprise, it almost looked like behind the curtain of now long dark hair, the mans face was wet. when sokka asked if he was crying while brushing dark hair behind a pale ear, it was confirmed that he was in fact crying. it started as silent tears, and slowly but surely turned into a violent sob. you know, the kind of gross one with hiccups and snot and general incoherence. at this point, they had known each other for years, and they had definitely surpassed the point of friendship (though they were both too dense to realize it themselves) meaning they had seen each other vulnerable. but never had sokka seen zuko cry like this, and definitely not because of a nightmare. now the same height, the watertribesman wrapped his arm around his friends shoulder and guided him to the bed. zuko wasnt big on giving physical affection, but he never pushed sokka away. not when the friendly slap on the shoulder became a tender shoulder massage. nor did when sokka went from tussling the mans dark hair to running his fingers through it to just simply playing with it. sokka sat and cradled zukos head into his own neck. zuko cries lessened into sniffles and then a gentle snore. sokka gently moved zuko, placing his friends head on the pillow and tucking him in.

zuko woke up the following morning, confused as to where he was. as he gained his bearings, he turned to find the source of what sounded like snorimg. he stared at the tanned man for a couple beats, processing what was in front of him. the firelord tensed when the snoring stopped, fearing some sort of negative reaction. zuko breathed out in relief when sokka simply rolled away from him and the snoring began again. zuko quietly slipped out the bed and out the room, but not before smiling fondly to himself in the doorway.

a couple days later, sokka and zuko found themselves caught up in late night shenanigans, a concept that wasnt foreign to them. they were sitting on the foot of sokkas bed when zuko stood up to dismiss himself for the night. sokka stopped him, and when zuko raised his eyebrows in question, sokka spluttered out a not so smooth joke that was just a weak attempt at asking for zuko to spend the night. for protection of course. zuko, who at this point was experiencing severe symptoms of polar bear-puppy love, said yes of course, and ended up spending the night.

when he woke up the next morning, he felt truly rested for the first time in years.

[ablackfangirlwrites]

1 hour

A/n so this is my last one my little hour series I really hope you guys like it 😬Also here are the others! 

72 hours w/Hawks

48 hours w/Aizawa

24 hours w/Dabi 

Out of all the people in the world why did you have to be in love with a hero

And not just any hero

Yagi Toshinori aka All Might

The number one hero

You were head over heels in love with him

And even crazier he felt the same way about you

To the point he told you his biggest secret

You truly didnt deserve him

Because the truth was you were a villain

And not just some petty one either

You had done terrible things

You killed people with little to no remorse

And he had no idea

When the two of you first met it was right before you were about to rob a bank

You were checking the place out and he happened to be doing a patrol

"You look troubled ma'am."

Was his first words to you

And you'd be equally in awe and terrified that he of all the heros found you

At first you thought he was there to stop you

But after he asked if you knew directions to some place nearby you realized he was just minding his own business

But that definitely turned you off from robbing the place

And even crazier it happened again the next week at a different place you were going to hit

It was like he knew your next move before you did

And even worst he recognizes you and started to talk

And before you even realized it you found yourself on a date with the number 1 hero

It was odd at first considering how you really made a living

But you couldnt lie something about the heros' personality was magnetic and it made you see the world in a different light

And after a few dates you were had fallen for the man

He made you feel like you didnt have to live a life a crime and it made you experience a happiness you didnt think possible

And he was smitten with you

You didnt even know how you managed to live a double life with him

After the two of you got more serious you stopped being so violent in your crimes but you didny stop with your villainy completely

It was such a big part of your life how could you stop now?

But now it had all caught up with you

You were working with another villain on a job

But they double-crossed you and making a long story short you only had 72 hours to live

Scratch that

You only had about an hour or two left

Up until now you tried everything

You weren't ready to die

You bargained begged and pleaded with everyone you thought could help you

You didnt want things to end this way

But now you were sure you didnt have anymore time

The only thing left was to just die

But what about Toshinori?

What was he going to do? How were you going to tell him? Were you even gonna tell him?

Toshinori knew something was up

He wasnt stupid

Something had been bothering you one night and it kept you up

And the next night you didnt even come home

Toshi knew you had secrets

But he never held them against you after all he had his share too

But in time he knew he could trust you with his

So he was patient enough to wait for you to feel the same

But he felt like this was something entirely different

And it worried him he loved you and truly only wanted to see you happy

And even though he knew there were parts if your life you didnt want him to know about

He wanted you to know he was still there for you

So tonight when he saw you came home he decided to bring it up

You cursed at yourself

How could you have fallen for him

He was so innocent and good...the complete opposite of you

You didnt want to hurt him

So you decided to just write a note and leave it for him

But when you got home you were surprised to see he was already there

"Toshi? You're here...I thought you were still working."

He at you back, "I got done early and decided to make you dinner tonight."

"Toshi..."

"I know the last few days have been rough for you. I dont know what's going on exactly...but when you're ready you know I'll be here." He told you in a more serious tone

The hero all might was surprisingly romantic in your relationship

And it was often that he made dinner for the two of you

And you saw that's just what he did tonight

You'd be overwhelmed with emotions and start to cry

The guilty and regret of everything would wash over you

You really didnt deserve him at all

"I am so sorry....I wish things weren't this way."

Toshi was alarmed at first and went to hold you but you rejected his embrace

"I have to tell you the truth."

"Y/n.."

"I have to do at least one thing right in my life and I am so sorry...." You told him through tears

"I'm a villain Toshinori."

The silence that covered the room only broke your heart more

"Is this some type of joke?" He asked you

Which only made you cry more, "No its not."

You cried while telling him the truth

You told him the terrible things you had done in your life of crime

And when you were done you still cried "I've never wanted to hurt you Toshi...I never wanted things to get this far between us...but before I knew it I was in love you with."

All might hadn't said a word

Only sorrow covered his face

"Why are you telling me now?"

Silence filled the room again

"Because...I'm going to die."

You explained how the time villain had attacked you and for the last few days you were trying to find a way to live but now you were out of options

"I've never done a thing right in my life Toshinori..and I know you have to hate me now...and know that-I dont blame you...i lied but you have to know I love you." You cried harder

Toshinori didnt known what to say

He felt betrayed

He felt like he lost his best friend

He felt remorse

How could he have not seen it? He was living and in love with a villain?

A villain he had and other heros had been looking for

Was right under his nose this whole time?

Part of him was even disgusted with himself

But when he saw how scared you looked

He could only think of how he truly wanted to be there for you

"How long do you have left?" He asked in a quiet voice

"An hour? minutes?...im not sure...but it's not long." You told him Sobbing

So with a very heavy heart, All might moved to you and held you in his arms

Which only made you cry more

"I won't pretend that I'm okay with what you've told me...but I don't hate you...I'm just disappointed..."

He held you tighter, "But despite that I still love you..and more than ever you need a hero. So I am here."

His words only made you fall deeper in love with him and made you regret your life choices more

"I am so sorry, I wish things were different I wish I was good."

Toshinori took moment before speaking again, "in the end Y/n you told me the truth...you didnt have to do that...so I know you weren't all bad..."

"Do you mean that Toshinori?" You asked with a little hope in your heart

"Yes I do..."

"...thank you...Toshi....I know you may not be able to forgive me...but I really what you to know I love you so much and you made me want to be better." You repeat to him as you felt yourself blaming

The two of you sat in silence from then on

It wasnt even that long when Toshi realized you were no long breathing

He simply just kissed your forehead and whisper he loved you back

He didnt know how long he sat there with your lifeless body

But the grief over took him and he cried

He didnt even know who you really were

Eventually though he had to get up and take care of the situation

He give what information he could about you to the police

And he even did his own investigation about you

Toshi wanted to know your whole story

He'd fined out you grew up in a household full of petty criminal and deduce you went into that life because you felt you had no choice

If he had tried to open you up to him maybe he would have known and stopped you before you got yourself in that situation

Regret would fill his days

At the fact that he was the number one hero and couldnt even save the person closest to him

And that would be something he'd have to live with for the rest of his life

[snkpolls]

Snk Chapter 129 Poll Results

The chapter poll closed with 1387 responses. This month’s poll results were brought to you by /u/staraves, Crunchwrap, @momtaku, _Puppet_, @shifter-lines and Luna

Thank you to everyone for your support!

RATE THE CHAPTER

Satisfaction was up this month with 41% rating this chapter a 5. That’s a 10% increase over last month! Overall 84% rated chapter 129 as good (4) or great (5).

A really great chapter. The jeagerist are getting sliced because they are scared for their family while the alliance know that they need to prevent mass genocide. There are no villain in this (apart from Floch) just victims.

After the sluggish post-rumbling chapters, I'm glad we're picking up the pace and getting things done now!

Loved the character interactions, had good plot advancement and some beautiful panels! Best chapter this year 😁😁

So fucking good. Highlighted that violence isn’t unique to the warriors, and that the 104th squad have a capability for violence within them as well.

The chapter was definitely not worth the long ass wait

A really good action chapter! Lots of intense moments that were also complimented quite well with poetic moments that felt great payoffs for many of the characters

The chapters have been so forgettable lately and this was no different. I wanted better for Shadis and this suicide pact was not it.

So many critical character bonding moments! I love it!

The best chapter since 123, I expect something big will happen in Chapter 130 because it is the last of the volume.

  WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT?

It was no surprise to us that more than 40% of the fandom selected one of the Keith Shadis options as their favorite moment with “The Rise and Fall of the S.S Shadath” (22.6%) and “SHADIS THE CHADIS” (20.5%) nabbing the top two spots. The kiddos managed 3rd and 4th place with “Falco’s transformation” (12.2%) and “Gabi sniping Floch” (10.5%).

Seeing Shadis and Magath sacrificing for a greater good was the best part of this chapter.

Loved the floch speeches

It was nice to see the Yeagerists finally get decimated.

I always wanted to see interaction between Shadis and Magath. Late is better than never.

Action packed !

  WHO WAS THIS CHAPTER’S MVP?

Give it up for Shadis the Motherfucking Chadis! Keith Shadis was our overwhelming choice for chapter MVP with an even 50% the fandom selecting him. Magath (20.5%), Floch (7.2%) Falco (6.7%) and Gabi (6%) followed at a huge distance.

SHADIS THE MOTHERFUCKING CHADIS

MAGATH THE MOTHERFUCKING CHADATH

Why can't I vote for Magath *AND* Shadis for MPVs of the chapter??? It is cruel that you make me choose.

Shadis and Magath, the true MVPs of this chapter. (Gabi still sucks)

Gabi MVP for giving Flock another win to the prize: "Big Oof of the month"

Floch was the true MVP this chapter and I'm sure he's still alive.

Magath and Shadis MVP

  PRESS F FOR KEITH SHADIS. WHICH OF HIS FINAL MOMENTS WAS YOUR FAVORITE?

To the write-in below, I hear you. The pollsters  (*glares of staraves*)  were cruel this month in forcing this choice and deleting the “All of the Above” option. But when forced to choose, it was the mutual appreciation between the two men in their final moments that was our very favorite.

WHY THE FUCK CAN I ONLY PICK ONE ANSWER+???

holy shit what a chad

his suicide is overrated.

I was so touched that he watched his students and knew what he needed to do to help them.

A TRUE CHAD TO THE END, BUT WHY DID HE SACRIFICE HIMSELF?? WHY DID THEY HAVE BOMB THE SHIP W THEMSELVES IN IT???

  ANY ADDITIONAL COMMENTS ON SHADIS’ OVERALL LEGACY IN THE STORY? POSITIVE, NEGATIVE, ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF!

Shadis' end is amazing. He came from "i'm not special" to "one of the heroes who saved the world". It's great development, confirming the rhetoric "everyone is special".

CHADIS!!! RIP

Definitely one of the most underrated character, though I'm happy seeing him getting a lot recognition on the sub. His dialogue with Carla about Eren needing to be special or not has to be one of my favorite part of SNK.

Dislike him. He sees how his recruits were forced to become Jaegerists yet slices and blows them up as if it was nothing.

He always thought of himself as a bystander but in reality he shaped and trained all the 104th kids. If they manage to save the world, it will be hugely thanks to his training.

Keith Shadis is a prime example of Isayama's dedicated effort to give meaningful characterisation to every character and tie it into the story's core themes.

He was a bittersweet hero. Definitely not just a bystander.

He was a fucking legend

I loved it. Every part of it. The fact that he always considered himself to be a bystander only to die a hero in the end was such a good arc, and believable. I'm gonna miss the Chadis. F.

I relate (not to the heroic suicide part, just the bystander stuff)

I respect him

I still can't really get why he did this tbh

He was far from perfect, which made him one of the most relatable characters in the series - so sad to see him go 😓😓

He was my favorite minor character

He was truly worthy of being called a hero at the end along with Magath. They died so their kids could live and save the world!

Him wearing his scout uniform once more going on a death mission was a touching detail

his death was absolutely beautiful, he was sure enough of himself to not need "being a hero" as his motivation and his final act of sacrifice made such a difference after all. Beautiful character arc here, I wasn't very bummed out when I first read the chapter but the more I think about it the more I grieve for him.

Honestly the train thing felt like a bit of an ass pull. I know a lot of people like having old characters back but he mostly just felt like a plot device.

I didn't like his latest development.

A bystander who became a traitor

I just didn't like the fact that he was paralleled with Magath. The only thing those two have in common is the fact that they are instructors, and Isayama milked that. Sure Shadis wasn't an angel, but at the very least he wasn't a fascist that was responsible for the Genocide that kick started this story.

I feel bad to Hange and the others didn't know that he was the one who blowing up the train to help them and the fact that he was with Magath.

I grew to like and appreciate Shadis, so this weird train explosion story and immediate suicide pact with Magath felt incredibly underwhelming, to say the least. So, he lived as a bystander and died as one thanks to no one else besides Magath knowing he was there? Cool stuff.

i guess i didnt expect such a death after he let himself get beat up for the sake of others, gonna miss him and maggath, i guess this simbolizes that the warriors and "stop" eren group is officially in charge

I hate how Shadis told the kids to join the Jaegerists for their own sake but then he turns on them.

I was ready for a long time to lose him, but it hurts nonetheless. Keith has always been the one who had a clear mind about his dream, his cause... Much more than Grisha or Eren, even when thinking that he had lost. He was a great icon in the series and he deserved his students' appreciation.

I hate that Isayama is just killing off the old guard like this 😞. Shadis genuinely cared about his students and he will be missed.

I hope he and Sasha share a potato in Heaven.

  NOW IT’S THEO MAGATH’S TURN. WHICH MOMENT GAVE YOU THE MOST DOKIS?

Awwwww… Magath’s wish for the warrior kids to have a happy life was the moment that most touched our hearts with just over 50% of the fandom selecting it. His decision to stay behind (18.4%) and the mutual appreciation between him and Shadis (16.4%) round out the top three selections.

I didn’t think he was going to die... it made me sad.

I thought his character would have more to do given his role as the military commander and political "moderate". Also, should have got shot so Shadis had a pressing reason to stay back and defend him while Magath set off the explosion.

RIP Shadis. Magath, you deserved what you got, you nazi bastard

GOVE ,E MMILTIBLR OPYIONS!21!!!!!

ОТЕЦ РОДНОЙ, НА КОГО ТЫ НАС ОСТАВИЛ?!!

  ANY ADDITIONAL COMMENTS ON MAGATH’S OVERALL LEGACY IN THE STORY? POSITIVE, NEGATIVE, ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF!

I found his character to be very compelling. He has already shown many instances of caring for the Warriors and the cadets during the Liberio Attack, but to see him gradually becoming conscious of that and completely changing his mindset was incredibly satisfying. A character I greatly enjoyed to see overall!

First I didn't like him that much. But this chapter make me like him more and more and then, he died. Thanks for making me suffer isym.

Followed the orders of his country, but couldn't bear the shame of his actions. Committed sudoku as a result. Deserves some respect as a true warrior and a patriot.

He really grew on me despite being such an unlikable character not too long ago, and it's sad to see him go. I'm glad to see the development he got recently.

He really grew on me without ever noticing it. I was actually sad about his death, and left with many questions.

He says he never wanted to do what he did but he had to follow the orders. This doesn't take away his responsibility at all, and it's not even completely true: he actively planned with Willy the latest invasion of Paradis.

He was a good man glad he went out with the Chad

He was a good man in the end: he realised he was in the wrong, swallowed his Marleyan pride and showed a sincere and humble side of him to the alliance. Then he tried to compensate for his previous wrong deeds by sacrificing his life and making himself useful to his allies one last time. I can really appreciate and respect that. And if you look at that panel of Gabi and Pieck looking like the most hurt at that exploded ship, then I think that means they too must've known that he was one of the better Marleyans.

He was a good man placed in a pretty awful situation. He and the kids would have been very happy in another world.

Him and hange are a great ship

He was alright

Dood's journey from literal Nazi racist to self-sacrifcing father of two was actually pretty heartwarming?

He was an imperfect commander in an imperfect world, but he still showed that he was just as human as his warriors.

he was annoying and cool.

I didn't care for him initially, and in ONE FUCKING CHAPTER, becomes a hero. Goddamn, fam.

It was awesome to see how far he came in such a short time and made it, at least for me, from a despicable character to a decent one with a human heart. Loved it how he protected his Warrior kids, how he went and helped Falco and his final wish kind of felt for me as if he was finally, in the last moments of his life, honest with himself and what he actually wanted and wishes for.

I  just really wish he had the time to say something of his wishes to the warriors.

I agree with the point that his mutual appreciation with Shadis is very important and beautiful sign of new era in eldian and marlian common history

I always wanted to see interaction between Shadis and Magath. Late is better than never.

I came to love and appreciate his character more than I ever thought.

I can't bring myself to hate him anymore. F for our MAGOAT

I did not like Magath and now I feel guilty about it because of the immediate rapport he had with Shadis.

Imagine thinking Magath is suddenly a good person because he sacrificed himself.

Isayama always tries to humanize his characters. I don't like Magath. He's a guy who stayed in the same path of sacrificing children while insulting them for their filthy blood for years despite questioning it (also the path of genocide). That's his legacy. It took him the apocalypse to actually reconsider. But I like how he died for the kids he cared for, I was hoping for exactly that. It makes "caring" substantial, at least/last.

killed hundreds of thousands of people

Looks like my old step-father, so I wasn't sad to see him go boom boom. lol

Madlad Magath

Magath has been an underrated character and gets too much hate

Magath hugging Gabi is peak Magath.

Great to see how the one person arguably most responsible for early problems in the series such as the wall breaches, was even able to admit his wrongs, atone, and do the right thing along with those he once attacked.

Him realising his errors and apologising was an outstanding character development moment. In the end, he did what he had to. Respects.

His acquired understanding of the Eldian's dilemma felt a little rushed, but nothing too bothersome. I wasn't a fan of him at first and he's still not my favorite, but his meeting with Shadis was still pretty cool to see.

Would have liked to know his backstory.

What are you doing Yeager???

  THE ALLIANCE’S JOURNEY IS NOW TAKING A DETOUR AS THEY DECIDE TO TRAVEL BY BOAT TO ODIHA WHERE THEY CAN PREPARE THE PLANE, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS?

Close to 70% of the fandom trusts that this detour to Odiha will be something worthwhile with 33.9% excited to see more of the SnK world and 34.3% thinking there is going to be plot significance. Only 12.5% of us were unhappy with this development.

The boat trip was unexpected. Maybe they'll talk about who they've lost and risk losing (in Liberio), as well as what they're fighting for (is it the world or their families?).

I’m having trouble figuring how fast this Rumbling will be. Will they really have enough time to sail to another country/continent, then fly all the way to another country/continent and still be able to save most of the world?

I don’t like the idea of going to Odihu. I want to hit the main points (Eren’s POV, scars wrapping, Historia’s POV) & be done.

Only few chapters left but the Alliance faces more and more delays?

I want Gabi to headshot DinoEren from Odiha

  WHAT WILL BE THE STATE OF LIBERIO BY THE TIME THE ALLIANCE GETS TO IT?

We were reminded again this chapter of the speed at which the titans are travelling and how quickly they could decimate the continent of Marley.  When and if the Alliance reach the mainland, more than half of respondents (56.7%) believe Liberio will be in the midst of being destroyed, nearly a third of the fandom (31%) think Liberio will be completely destroyed by the time the Alliance arrives. A tiny (tiny!) group of fandom optimists (7.8%) believe Liberio will be fine.

PANCAKED!

It depends on what Erens plan actually is... I'm holding out hope he's not actually trying to annihilate the world 🤞

It LOOKS like it's completely destroyed, but there are still survivors!

It will be mostly destroyed, but some Eldians will have risen up and escaped

The colossal titans will have trampled everything BUT Liberio. Eren wants to get the mainland Eldians on his side.

We'll see the people from Liberio arriving to Odiha. We saw the rebellion starting there, and I have the feeling they'll be fleeing south.

Eren will do some cool shit but hopefully no genocide I would hate that ending

i dont think rumbling will happen. from a story telling pov it just doesnt make sense

They'll be fine for the sole reason I just can't see Annie's Dad dying before their reunion.

About to be trampled

I find it curious how we don't even get to see a glimpse of the Rumbling happening. Isayama is usually so good at "show, don't tell", yet the last 2 chapters have just been Hange estimating the progress of the Rumbling. I wonder if Isayama has a plan for that?

The alliance won’t arrive Liberio because by the time they arrived Odiha, the Colossal Titans will have already destroyed northern part of Marley and approaching Odiha, the place where the Alliance and Eren will fight.

I'm really not sure. On one hand I can trust Hanji's geographical expertise, on the other hand, where can the final battle take place, other from a symbolic place?

  ANNIE WORRIES THE CURRENT PLAN WON’T ALLOW HER TO REACH HER FATHER IN TIME. HOW WILL SHE REACT WHEN SHE LEARNS LIBERIO IS LIKELY DOOMED?

If Annie has to choose between the alliance and her father, the majority believe she’ll choose her dad. When asked how she’ll react if she learns Liberio is doomed, 51.4% believe at some point Annie will abandon the alliance to search for her father, 20.7% believe she will continue to help the alliance and 9.2% feel that her frustrations will boil over and she’ll take out her frustrations on the people she is travelling with.

god at least let Annie reunite with her dad

I’m hoping that Papa Leonhart lasts long enough to see Annie, and that’s all.

  ON A SCALE OF ONE TO FIVE, HOW MUCH DID YOU ENJOY SEEING ANNIE TEAM UP WITH REINER, INSTEAD OF BEATING THE GOBSHITE OUT OF HIM?

After years of Reiner suffering abuse at Annie’s hand, she’s finally willing to let the Paradisians take care of the daily whack-a-Reiner session. And the overwhelming majority of you seem to appreciate this character development.

  WHAT WAS THE BEST ANNIE AND REINER BATTLE MOMENT?

The teamup of the Armored Titan and the Female Titan was a highlight of this chapter, leading to many great moments, with Reiner protecting Annie as the voted favorite (44.1%). Coming in second was both of them being saved by Connie (26.1%), and the two Titans protecting the Azumabito snagged third place (11.1%).

Loved how Reiner protected Annie.

love how connie looks cool

i legit was afraid that the asian lady was gonna die while reiner and annie protected them, that was well drawn/written

  IF PARALLELS BETWEEN FLOCH AND ERWIN EXIST, WHAT IS THE MESSAGE THEY ARE TRYING TO CONVEY?

Many in the fandom have pointed out potential similarities between the characters of Floch and Erwin, but whether they are valid similarities and what exactly is the textual purpose of them is hotly debated. The majority of respondents believe that one way or another, the parallels cast doubt on any similarities between the two, with almost half (44.6%) pointing to Floch’s bastardisation of Erwin and 23.7% believing that he is trying to imitate the former commander, but that there is no message behind it. A quarter of respondents (25%) believe that the parallels are indeed drawing similarities between the two characters, and 6.7% of you aren’t too convinced the parallels even exist.

Erwin seriously impacted floch but thats about it I dont think he is conciously stealing he is just using the words that made him march to hell and back.

Erwin was way more than "sasageyo" line and his lost army the comparison between him and Flock is lame.

Floch and Erwin are complete opposites are we even reading the same manga??

Erwin was fighting for HUMANITY. Floch has information that Erwin never knew and is fighting for the renewal of the Eldian Empire.  I don't think it is reasonable to compare them in parallel based on this logic.

   WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT FALCO’S JAW TITAN?

Falco’s Titan makes its debut! It sure is something to behold – I guess Falco’s always wanted to fly. Wonder if he can now? The popular opinion at 46.6% is that he’s a weird looking guy but that we’ll probably grow to love his design. 33.6% already love it! 16.2% of you don’t know what the hell this thing is supposed to be right now, and a few of you were just scared. That must mean it’s doing its job! Little Falco may have lost control but his transformation helped turn the tide of battle, now that’s a real feather in his cap.

Love Falco’s Titan

We finally have Xenomorphs in AOT

Falco's titan is weird but unique.

Titan Falco’s mouth has a mouth. Wtf

his titans face made me annoyed. and the fur too.

Wait, did Falco just shift into a rooster? Just kidding, I love it. It's the only saving grace in this chapter. I hope it has a deeper meaning, too, other than just looking cool and being an element of surprise.

Unpopular opinion but Falcos jaws is overdesigned

Falco’s Jaw Titan, can’t wait for it to be animated

XENOMORPH TITAN

  FALCO'S TITAN IS BEASTLY, HAS TALONS, FUR, A BEAK, AND JUST OVERALL LOOKS DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT AND PERHAPS EVEN LARGER THAN THE OTHER 4 JAW TITANS WE HAVE SEEN. WHY DO YOU THINK THIS IS?

This titan has more forms than a Dragon Ball character.  The Galliard brothers' forms were incredibly similar and the others weren’t far off base.  But Falco’s looks to be on a whole new level, why could this be?  The most popular view is that Isayama’s just flexing his creative muscles, and about a third of respondents think it’s Falco’s animal characteristics coming out.

He likes birds

A bit of Zeke’s spinal fluid and Yams being punny.

All of the above, and also because we've been hinted about a flying titan, which is obviously going to be this bird.

Falco always wanted to fly away like a bird

I think it’s because of Zeke but I’m also wondering if Jaw titans are more beastial than other titans in general

He say bird be free and now he bird uwu

does Zeke even know that Falco is the Jaw Titan?

Falco name, but also a Berserk reference

It matches Falcos true bird-like character and fighting for freedom

Funny how it was speculated Falco getting the Beast Titan and turning into an eagle titan, and now his Jaw Titan looks like a Birdman.

PATHS has subconsciously made falco's fursona a reality.

  THE JAW TITAN NOW HAS 5 TOTAL DESIGNS, MORE THAN ANY OTHER TITAN. WHICH ONE IS YOUR FAVORITE?

Hopping across the battlefield and from Shifter to Shifter, the Jaw Titan has come in the most forms out of all of the Nine Titans, but which one is the most popular? To probably no one’s surprise, Porco’s glorious lion-like form which made its debut in one of the most majestic Titan panels known to man took the top spot (69.5%). The hype of the recent chapter was enough to propel Falco’s bird-like form into second place (15.2%), with the presumably original Jaw Titan revealed in Ymir’s backstory coming in third (7.6%), narrowly followed by the OG (but technically not the actual OG) Ymir’s Jaw, and finally with the winner’s older brother coming in last (1.2%). Cheer up Marcel, you’ll probably get another flashback for your death soon.

The Jaw titan was one of my favourite designs but it's only now I'm realising it's definitely Porco's Jaw that was what I liked. Falco's might grow on me yet.

Why do Jaw titans have inner teeth the way they are? Shouldn't their purpose be the outer jaw/jaw muscles to crush?

I thought Falco's jaw titan was really badass and cool

All the Jaw Titans are actually great but I *had* to choose my girl Ymir's titan. Terrifying yet cuddly, and a lesbian disaster to boot. We stan <3

  WHO DO WE NEED TO START TAKING GUNS AWAY FROM?

This year’s chapters have caused many to realise that Gabi and Floch are two characters who just won’t stop shooting people, whether they be titans, prisoners, engineers or flying bird nests, so we decided to put the two head to head, once and for all deciding whose gun is getting confiscated. While it was close, the majority have decided that Floch is the one who needs his favorite toy taken away (58.6%) and not Gabi (41.4%).

Floch, I hate you >:( you are a bad person

Fuck Gabi, Floch is amazing.

Floch's failures make me laugh.

  ARE YOU HAPPY IT WAS GABI WHO GOT THE SHOT AT FLOCH?

This was one of our closer results this month but since it was a Gabi-centric question that is unsurprising. While previous polls have indicated hopes that Jean would be the one to take down Floch, it was Gabi this chapter who landed the first shot and the majority of respondents  (30.8%) were delighted with that. The next largest percentage (27.7%) didn’t care who the shooter was, they just want Floch dead.  The third most popular choice (23.1%) expressed disappointment that it wasn’t Jean. On the other end of the spectrum, 10.8% wish for Floch to live forever and 7.5% wanted it to be anyone besides Gabi.

Can't  believe Gabi did it again. Shot a Yeager and now the main Yeagerist, lol.

I wanted Jean to kill off Floch forreal, but I am happy with what we've got.

Gabi baby i'm so proud i never hated u lmao.

I'm sad for a bit because I expected huge hairbowl chapter. Hope it will be in the next chapter, Jean vs Floch dialogues are always interesting.

Floch deserved something worse than having the hope of saving the day stripped from him before getting shot by Gabi. I'm not mad that Gabi got the honour to shoot Floch, but I wanted it to be someone more satisfying.

Too many MVPs this chapter, but ultimately Gabs got my vote caused I cheered when I saw it was her who shot fucking Floch. Go Gabi!

  AFTER GETTING SHOT BY GABI, WHAT’S NEXT FOR FLOCH?

It’s been a popular view for a while now that Floch will die soon, and in this chapter he gave his final stand at the harbor.  Only 8.2% think it actually resulted in his death, with the most popular view being that he swam to the boat and clung on to cause even more mischief. A final final stand, if you will.

Floch is on/in the plane right now. He will ambush them soon.

I wish floch is confirmed dead

Floch should live

Floch will have a role in the coming chapters

Floch seemed really pathetic this chapter, but next chapter I feel he's going to kill at least one person, maybe a few, so that's scary.

It’s kind of dumb that we are conditioned to expect that Floch is still alive

I don't see the point of Floch killing someone next chapter when it could've been done in this one (with more weight to the battle) so I have no idea what's his role now.

I expect Floch to stay on the island and die there, with the Yeagerist movement coming to an end. Shadis left some of his students these wise words of when to fight back, and the time is nigh.

If Floch is still alive and he's on the alliance ship, then someone (who isn't a Titan shifter or an Ackerman) is going to die in the next chapter.

THIS CHAPTER GAVE US ANOTHER ICONIC PANEL, THIS TIME HIGHLIGHTING THE NECESSITY TO HELP EACH OTHER OUT. WHICH DYNAMIC FROM THIS PANEL IS YOUR FAVORITE?

Former friends as well as foes helping each other stumble off the battlefield makes for a great and emotional panel.  Just over half of you were most happy with Mikasa and Annie front and center (52.2%) after being famous rivals.  Reiner’s bros helping him was also very popular (31.2%).

MIKAANI RIGHTS!!1!11!1! - hajime isayama, 2020

mikasa helping annie was cool because they have like the biggest rivalry against each other so it's cool to see them help each other

I loved seeing all the characters backing each other up.

I'm not sure why the poll makers are pointing the group panel as something positive. Don't you know these people tried to kill each other just last week in their world?

  WHAT DID YOU THINK OF MAGATH AND SHADIS’ SACRIFICIAL SUICIDE PACT?

Let’s pour one out for CHADIS and MAGOAT, may they rest in PATHS. The duo’s sacrifice came out of nowhere but didn’t hurt any less, and 53.9% of you thought it was a fitting conclusion for both. 14.6% were just happy that they got to meet at all, fleeting as it was. 9.6% thought it was a great ending for Magath but were despondent over Shadis’ fate, and 9.2% vice versa. 8.6% thought the sudden loss of both was completely unnecessary. In any case, the star-crossed bromance was too explosive to last – may they continue to yell at Jaegers from the great beyond.

*ugly cries for Shadis and Magath*

I’m happy they were able to meet and I like the dynamic and parallels between them. They met a sad end but just like Porco they got to go out on their own terms. They’ll be greatly missed and appreciated.

Loved how both he and Shadis went out in a blaze of glory while reflecting on how proud they were of their students. Especially Magath realizing he wished for them to live normal lives.

That was a curveball I didn't expect at all and I was in denial when I read it and a few minutes afterwards. I was so hoping both of them would get to continue helping their protegees out with experience and all that. But I'm glad they got to meet. It felt like both of them needed that.

I would have preferred them to blow up the ship without them in it and then deciding to have a Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid kind of ending, but utlimately, it works. They were dead either way, sinking that ship was gonna take more than a few thunder spears, they needed to ensure the Yeagerists couldn't catch up, and so, it works.

if either of them were injured and needed help to set up the explosion/defend the one setting it up, this would make a better sacrifice for both.

Shagath would've brought world peace. That's why they had to go

I understand the sacrifice and that maybe no one else had the guts to do the same, but Magath is such a capable leader and it feels like he perhaps wasted himself at the end there a little?

Both characters went out in a blaze of glory, Shadis helped derail the reinforcements and Magath was able to get Falco to safety before he did too much damage. Shadis saw this as a way to repay the debt of all those he lost while he was commander of the survey corp and Magath saw this as his way of sacrifice for what he has done to every Warrior.

It was satisfying to see Shadis do this, but I think Magath's change of heart happened too quickly for it to be satisfying for him

It wasn't a great ending and Chadis didn't have to die there

It wasn't necessary but not a bad ending for them.

It's Beyond the Wall from Game of Thrones again. Let's have a character absent for some time jump in, save the alliance by blowing up a train and die immediately. I hated that episode and I have mixed feelings about noone getting shot and having Shadis sacrificing himself.

It's certainly a meaningful way to die, but I regret all old characters are dying. If none of them will remain then who will lend their experience to new generations? IDK what is the message here, but surely resolutions for old characters are way more satisfying than for 104th and some other newer members of the cast (with exception of the children, they're handled the best).

It’s a good and sad conclusion for both, but I feel like we still need Magath cause he is the only Marlayan that is working with Eldians

It’s an ending on par with Erwin’s. They sacrificed themselves so the next generation can live to give their lives meaning, and to repay for the mountain of bodies they left behind. I hope the Kings shall meet in the afterlife

Kinda cheesy imo and also kind of rushing the end for shadis I feel

Like I said above, the sacrifice was rushed. It's a potentially great sendoff for both characters which is lessened by the breakneck pace the series is going.

sorry but it was really cheese, i hated the fact that shadis told the reclutes to join the jaegaergist but then he killed them on train

Not that fitting for Shadis but Isayama is definitely aiming for all the leaders alive here

Magath is probably one of the only people who could have been able to bring some sort of cooperation between Eldia and Marley, but I was satisfied with his sacrifice and how they met, its like they both gave closure to each others arcane

I like Shadis and didn’t care for Magarth yet I was still wondering why. I get it’s a shounen-esque story but even in Naruto the older generations played a role. Here they’re only good for sacrificing themselves (Pieck could have done it and survived the explosion)

I haven't finished a chapter in SnK in a long while that made me FEEL as much as this one did. And it's all thanks to the duo of Magath and Shadis. Honestly even though I can say I was never the biggest Magath fan, he really started to grow on me in the past 3 chapters. I never thought I would actually feel the burden of his sacrifice in my chest. He has my respect. I'll really miss him.

Keith and Magath are feasting together in Valhalla now.

  NOW THAT MAGATH IS GONE, MANY HAVE POINTED OUT THIS MAY LIMIT THE HOPE OF PARADIS HAVING DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS WITH THE WORLD. WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS?

Magath’s death wasn’t just emotional, but could have a big impact on the ending.  Respondents were pretty split on this question, but the most popular view was that Paradis will still pull through and find a path to peace.  The next most popular view at about 30% is that Paradis never had a chance even with Magath.  18.5% think Paradis’ hopes for peace did indeed blow up along with Magath.

Fuck who is gonna vouch for the PARÁDISIans now?1

Would’ve liked to see him survive to become a Paradis advocate

Magath was the most important person in Marley and the only person who could help to make some kind of peace between Paradis and the world. And now he just... decided to commit sacrifical suicide? C'mon!!! He was too important. Now I don't keep big hopes for peaceful ending anymore.

Who tf is going to reason with Marley nowthat Magath is gone. Paradis is even more fucked, not that they had any chance of having diplomatic relations with the world before....

I say that without Magath diplomacy is doomed, but they will probably use the Kiyomi card and Onyonkopon card along with the "humans for the rights of eldians showed some ch ago" card

With him dead, it seems that Paradis doesn't have anyone with sufficient standing throughout the rest of the world to prevent them from wiping out Paradis for sufficient time

He screwed up, he needed to stay alive to spare Paradis if the Alliance won, the honorary marleyns can't do that.

  MOST INSPIRING QUOTE?

It wouldn’t be shounen without inspiring quotes, and we don’t have a shortage of them this chapter! A strong majority of you, clocking in at 42.6%, thought General Magath’s line about wishing “those kids could’ve lived a normal life” was most inspiring. Almost exactly tied (though the percentages might be deceiving, red has one less vote than blue), are Floch’s line about the fate of Paradis if Eren is stopped, and the Jean/Mikasa duo-quote about hesitation. Trailing a few points behind is Shadis’ “I’m proud of you” moment, and in last place was Floch’s “Eldia will be saved by me!”.

  DO YOU THINK CERTAIN CHARACTERS HAD TOO MUCH PLOT ARMOR THIS CHAPTER?

With a big battle going on, did the appropriate amount of characters survive?  The vast majority (46%) don’t care about numbers alive as long as the battle is well written.  22% believe the alliance does have too much plot armor, and 15.3% retort with the idea that everyone has plot armor.  About 10% think Floch should have died by now and has taken all the plot armor.  7% don’t think anyone has plot armor, it’s a cruel cruel world indeed.

Feel like most of the plot armour people are feeling about this chapter is simply because none of the soldiers are taught how to wield the gun 3DM gear.

Too much unnecessary plot armor for the alliance .

The plot armor was beyond stupid with the Yeagerists turning into Stormtroopers

the plot armor is to thicc in this chapter,at least some of Kiyomi's men should have died.

  DESCRIBE THIS CHAPTER IN 1 WORD.

Here are the top 5 descriptions of the chapter chosen by you, the fandom. You can find the average score for the groups between brackets. The average score for the chapter this month was 4.21 for comparison.

Amazing [4.84]

Great [4.62]

Awesome [4.67]

Epic [4.81]

Intense (shared 4th place) [4.5]

Honorable mention: Chadis

Also shout-out to the folks who were compiling a recipe. Seems to be lacking some carbs though. What cookbook were you guys reading this month?

BEANS

Paprika

goat

Nutty

Yummy

  ISAYAMA RECENTLY SAID IN AN INTERVIEW THAT THERE IS ONLY 5% OF THE STORY TO GO. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS?

We’ve known for a while that we’re in the final arc, but now we have confirmation we’re really reallyyyyyyy close to the end.  About 42% of readers expected it to end right about then anyways, while 28.8% think it’ll end up going longer, as Isayama’s extended past his percentages in the past.  19.4% are worried how the story will be wrapped up in that time.

A little worried, but I trust in Isayama.

AAAAAAAAAAAAH

AOT has been in my life since 2013 and is pretty much the last bit of my childhood still going. Of course I'm sad it's ending, but I'd rather it end than go on forever like the walking dead and so on.

As long as the ending is written well it doesn’t matter to me

Since I'm extremely new to SnK, I can't say anything about Isayama's writing habits and all that, but speaking as a fellow writer, I could see that he might underestimate the story that's left, though not by much. I'm also kind of worried that it might be a bit too soon but then again, SnK always has long chapters, so it might work out just fine.

The truth is sad to know that it is over, since I took a lot of love, but I know that the end will be amazing

I just want him to stick the landing, the amount of chapters left is not important.

I need Isayama to make more chapters so we can keep getting Podcast episodes of You Hear Big Girls

I can't believe how close we are to the end. I just know it's gonna get crazier from here on.

I expected this, but the closer we get the more clear it is that he needs to take more time to properly resolve arcs than he seems to want to.

I feel like we're gonna get a rushed ending and loose ends either ignored or tied up as throwaways

I feel that the story is going to end in an abrupt yet succinct way.

I have faith in Isayama no matter what he plans to do with the story.

But WHERE does Historia fit into that 5%

honestly a little more than expected

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ONCE SNK ENDS HELP ME

  WHAT ARE YOU MOST HOPING TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER?

Absolutely dominating this question is the desire to see Eren’s POV (as usual), with 40.9% of the vote. Trailing quite behind at just under 16% is Historia, then.. uh. death and destruction, apparently. After that it gets pretty close, with Floch’s last stand trailing less than half a percentage point behind Zeke (who trails behind death and destruction). After Floch’s last stand, we have the desire to see an epic, carefree adventure on the ocean, followed lastly by Hizuru’s base.

Somethings up. We still haven't seen Eren's point of view, and there's dedinately a reason for it.

Nice!  Now give me family bonding on the ship plz Isayama

Next chapters gonna be pretty cool imo, but the community will call it another "aLlIaNcE fIlLeR cHaPtEr"

Eren Eren Eren Eren Eren Eren Eren Eren Eren Eren

Enjoyed seeing Floch finally getting hurt, his luck needed to end. I'm sure he's alive and in the ship, and I'm totally sure he'll take away someone's life in the next chapter. But please, Yams... Floch must die.

HISTORIA AND EREN POV

HISTORIA WHEN

I'm pretty sure the next chapter will take place on the ship, so I expect some good dialogue

I hope the boat setting will give enough time to address the untouched issues Isayama has been evading with those two groups interacting, mainly Levi and Annie. Or the Warriors acknowledging the massive sacrifices the Paradisean side is doing and stick up for them in a situation where they are successful.

when are we going to see História? She has been pregnant for too long.

  WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES?

Reddit once again T-poses on all the rest of the platforms, coming in at just over 40% of the responses. Twitter follows it with 16.5%, and is in turn followed by people who don’t discuss the series at all. Behind that is Discord with 10.3%, and Tumblr with 8.4%. It’s astonishing to me how much the demographics of this poll have changed. Tumblr used to compete with Reddit, and now it’s so low on the list that it’s the last one with a section big enough for Google Forms to include the percentage number on it. The responses with no visible percentages are, in this order: Real Life (90 votes), Instagram (28), Facebook (19), Youtube (16), 4chan (9), the Wiki (3), Snapchat (3), and Steam (2).

Snapchat had 3 people. That’s 0.2% of the vote. That’s one more than Steam and tied with the Wiki. I’m in perpetual disbelief that it gets any votes at all, and I remain convinced that it’s some sort of conspiracy of people who forgo discussing the series on any of the major platforms just to discuss it on snapchat with each other, specifically so they can screw with me when it comes time to write the poll blurbs. Or they’re just lying… much to think about……..

  ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER?

I just loved that the old 104th group despite what happened between them, how the people, the world, the history tore them apart is fighting together once again and protect each other like a big family

Calling it now, Zeke got vaporised in Eren's transformation.Still mad years later that freckle Ymir died the way she did and I choose to be mad because I was born into this world.

While it was an intense chapter that was exciting and sad I think it’ll move the story to the next stage in a really good way.

While the last few chapters were still really good, this one brought back the same unbridled hype I had when reading 116-123. We may debate cringevengers vs yeagerists, but I think we can all agree that this manga is still a fucking masterpiece.

Why does Isayama always crush all the good feelings you have during a chapter at the very end? The panel with all of them supporting each other was so powerful and heartwarming, not to mention seeing them all fighting together before and trying to reach the ship, and then Isayama just goes and kills Shadis and Magath. Freaking curveball at the end. RIP

I love gabi, BEST GIRL!!!

I love the alliance chapters and I'm not sorry at all!

Isayama as usual

Isayama, please, let Hange and Armin do something important before the ending, or their deaths

Isn’t 126 shit Tier writing but aren’t great either.Feels forced.

It felt a bit messy/clumsy at my first read, but at every reread it felt better, and I think the messy feel (compared to the smooth RtS arc) was deliberate.

Karl Fritz chapter soon

What a goddam pleasure to see yeagerists getting shot down, and what an extreme joy to see Floch's fans being overwhelmed by common sense from other fans

Where is Eren? We want Eren!

This was a good chapter. I really enjoyed it

Nearly all alliance members increased their kill count, except Levi, Yelena and Onyankopon. Gabi just shot Floch but we all know he isn't dead. They all sliced, decapitated, dismembered, crushed, shot people they once called comrades for some vague goal that might be completely meaningless, since, no one discussed any terms once Eren is stopped. And with Magath dead, they never will.

Kinda sad on how Armin's characters has been treated so far. Served as stair to Connie twice and now Isayama put him to sleep in the middle of the fight without any contribution at all... I'm a Armin stan and i'm bothered. Hope he gets some real shit soon.

After the Alliance noping out of Paradis, I wonder when they will return their homeland, and I think Floch is alive, but instead of sneaking onto the ship he will gather the Yeagerists to strengthen his control on Paradis, crowning himself as the King of New Eldian Empire. And more civil wars are on the way so stay tuned…

more mikasa pweeze

My old man once said "Alan Moore can't do endings," and I'm getting that vibe here, too--with everything that's come before, is there even a way to bring this story to a close that isn't too drawn out with answers to questions that didn't need asking, or a sudden cluttered mess wrapping as many subplots as it can in only two or three chapters at the expense of quality and feeling?

Need more shirtless Reiner

No matter what others may say, that was a great chapter. I loved the battle between the alliance and jeagerists. Few years ago, during the battle in Shiganshina they probably didn't even think about figting on one side with Reiner and Annie. I remember how they were trying to kill him and look where they are now. However, I get a feeling that after Magath's death there will be no hope for peace between Paradis and the rest of the world. I get a feeling that we may get full rumbling after all =/

no, its G O A T E D

Not a fan of the recent chapters. Feel like the story is telling me to root for the alliance, but I don't care about their goal and I'm with Eren 100%. I wish there were more characters in support of Eren and the rumbling. Floch and the yaegerists are great, but it's annoying that they are being painted as the evil bad-guys when their goals are noble. It's sad to see the main characters who've fought for their friends, families, and homes the entire series just completely disregard all of that and become willing to sacrifice it all for the rest of the world who hate them and want them dead.

Off topic: reiner is a snacc

One more month of no one having a solution to the actual problem other than agreeing that it’s a problem :/

The Survey Corps proved, once again, that they are not to be underestimated. They work seamlessly together and they respect one another.

The wait is torturous, but there's really no better way to be moving things along right now.

Theo Magath deserves a golden star for being amazing man till the end.

Why didn't the Yeagerists just Thunderspear the plane?

I’m sure I’m in the minority but the Titan fights are my least favorite parts of the story. So this chapter being largely comprised of them made it kind of meh to me. I feel like the plot is simultaneously going too fast and not fast enough. Chapters like this one make me very worried about how this will all end

floche: NNNOOO DON'T STEAL THE BOAT YOU'RE GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING HHHH

gabi: hehehe floche go boom

Hange's group are a bunch of hypocrites and traitors , hopefully they all die in the most grossume ways by Eren's hands .

I love Floch and the Yeagerists , they fought to the last breath for Eren , their home and people .

Keith is an idiot and died like an idiot .

I'm happy that Magath finally died hopefully the rest of the alliance are next .

i can't understand people defending Floch. You're siding with yeagerists ? Okay, but take Samuel, Daz or Louise as exemple, everyone except Floch. Floch was written to show the drift of patriotism. That is his goddam meaning. That what Isayama has been writing since Floch's reappearance. The same way Hanji embodies Survey Corps' values or Jean embodies the necessity to do the right thing. That are the writing purpose. Please, respect Isayama's work.

I love Attack on titan ❤️

I luv Floch

I MISS HISTORIA

I need Ackermans

Loved it, I'm enjoying all the time were getting with the alliance but I'm anxious to see what's going on with Zeke, Eren, & Historia.

overall pretty great! Gabi really needs to have her aimbot checked though :/

YAMS I’M STILL WAITING FOR PIECK TO ACKNOWLEDGE PORCO’S DEATH IN SOME WAY.

Where the fuck is Armin in that shot of everyone?

Floch is a great leader and the Jaegerists are not in the wrong.

I like koalas

you know my thoughts

Where's Eren

Where's Levi?

Wheres boriiiiis

i dont have any hope anymore i cant imagine them dead its too much for me damn u isayama

I genuinely loved it. I can't wait to see how it all ends.

I personally didn’t like it since it was the 6th alliance POV chapter in a row, and possibly the next two chapters will also be an alliance POV. I’m tired of the alliance and I don’t support their cause, so it’s kind of boring to read another alliance chapter after 6 months of alliance POVs.

I hate everything, why did Isayama had to take Magath away

I really liked that Isayama was still consistent with shifters not being able to control their titan the first couple times.

I really thought Armin was gonna help fight during the battle with his messed up zombie jaw, but instead he just kind of passed out and disappeared for most of the chapter. We're heading towards the end of the manga and I need to see more Armin scenes, I'm really rooting for him to be a key figure in talking to Eren/the general ending as a whole but as of now he's still just kind of useless.

I feel like that this chapter is foreshadowing the titan war. Remember in chapter 100 when the guy ( I can’t remember his name) said if Eren starts the rumbling, he will cause the titan war to start again. That might explain why Falco randomly attacked Pieck.

I remember Pixis telling Eren how he thinks about a story between mankind coming together against a powerful enemy, and Eren said it was rather optimist thinking that he doesn’t believe would truly work. He also mentions that they are hardly working together because difference in morals are to strong, they are not truly fighting together. But in the instance where Magath and Shadis were able to put aside their differences just so that their students may have a better future, shows that humanity can still exist, but unfortunately mainly when brought upon an unavoidable death which leads me to believe what will become of the alliance if they are forced into this position.

I hate the alliance so fuck it

I have no idea how this is gonna end.

I hope floch stays dead hes such a menace

I hope there’s a nice discussion next chapter

I hope this shit is over and we can have a better written material

Thought there was a bit too much plot armor ... especially with Gabi saving the day endlessly

I really hope we get back to focusing on multiple story lines in a single chapter, instead of following a single group. I wish we saw Shadis on his way to derail the train. I hope we get to see a group of Yeagerists in Shiganshina finding Zeke. Just give us a shot of the farm Historia is at. I'm really starting to miss the other story lines.

Ch130 Bert talk let's GOOOOOOOOO

Consistently good quality as expected from Isayama. I have faith he will continue releasing kino and stick the landing with the ending.

Cool, portrays the desperation of both the alliance and the Yeagerists

Could be better

Does the gang even KNOW that Shadis went boom along with Magath!?

I just hope Isayama gives Levi a death befitting a hero like he did with Shadis. I get AoT is not Levi’s story anymore but seeing him not being able to do anything really hurts. Even his own soldiers (besides the alliance) don’t respect him anymore, he doesn’t have anywhere to come back to. He probably won’t be able to kill Zeke (he never gets what he wants) but please let him die knowing he gave meaning to his comrades’ lives.

I wish Mikasa would be able to hate Eren at last. Still not happening 🤔

i wish we could have seen armin more— just my personal preference. i adore the man.

I wish we had the warriors' thoughts on Bertholdt but it wasn't the right moment at all. Maybe next chapter? I'd like them to mourn their comrade and friend. Hell annie and reiner spent lot of time with him reiner even had nightmares about him being removed from his titan. It feels so unsatisfying and frustrating. So great great chapter but please give a break to the warriors.

Great chapter. I was scared for our girl Pieck tho but glad to see her in action.

I wonder how Eren will react finding out how many have died in his name or against his cause. Shadis, Daz, so many Survey Corps peeps...

Good, but can we please get moving this plot along to eren/historia/zeke?

Goodbye, Shadis McChadis. You deserved a 200/10 exit, but you got a 7/10 instead. X'(

I don't care aobut anything else just show me eren

I don't care who you are just don't touch the Meme Queen! Goddamn Falco almost killed her.

I don't know

Levi being tied on Pieck and carried like a baby made me laugh so much

Glad that we're done with the port battle now

Levi is smol

Levi most likely left the alliance.

Levi so small

Levi still exists

Levi was cute

Leviiiiiiiiii

WELL SWEET MOTHER TERESA ON THE HOOD OF A MERCEDES-BENZ! YOU LOOK LIKE A BALD FUCKIN' EAGLE!

things make sense. The story is building as it goes, and Yams can’t go back an change it around. Eren POV is coming

Pieck didn't even try to stop Falco other than "noo don't go you're so young ahah" and that was pathetic. Having him die there would have been extremely effective and it would have been a great way to address the "random child inheritance" situation previously described

Please let the bastard really be dead.

PogChamp

Poor Annie. Dat powercreep.

Press F for Chadis

quite happy that floch seemingly survived, his speech kinda made me sympathetic towards him, shadis and magath were brilliant..rip

Really well drawn and very powerful ending.

So now everyone has left Paradis... do we have any other characters that can group up with Historia apart from Nicolo and the Brauses?

So sad the Bertalk has to be delayed but at least there's no option now. If the whole traitor parallel happens right after Jean finally gets to vent over Marco and they dont mention him once then... shit writing, everything is a coincidence and nothing is a parallel in this manga. Let Reiner be angry 2k20

Some good moments, sure, but PLEASE for the love of god can we cut to the chase now???

FLOCH GOAT. FUCK TRAITORS. SOMEONE BETTER GET FLOCH'S GLOCK.

Stop using our Eternal Commander Erwin for your fascist shit, Floch

Someone probably says that the chapter was rushed. However, I think Isayama has his plan, and he will put those flashbacks which you guys need soon, so don't worry about that :) I also want to know what happened to Historia and her baby while the league of SC and the Warriors was fighting in Marley. She plays an important role in the whole SnK plot, and before someone fortet her, we need our queen to come back.

Still cant take the alliance serious. They all acting out of character. Just hoping they will betray each other and the scouts will be on Erens side. Dont get why the alliance want to save people outside and for that Goal they slaughtering all their own people. That is also wrong like the genocid. It does not Matter, because killing is killing

Strong ending but I prefer dialogues over action. Also we saw nothing of Levi, he's being dragged around until he can meet up with Zeke, really convienient...

Surprisingly good

Every chapter that goes by without presenting a twist to this endgame makes me more and more anxious.

Annie looks very shocked to see people supporting her. Gabi can’t stop getting traumatised

ANY CHAPTER WHERE FLOCK GETS FUCKED IS A GOOD CHAPTER

armin suffered too much

I started to dislike AMJC. I understood why they opposed Eren (despite not thinking it through) but now they’re killing their own people to protect their “comrades” (who will cause trouble later because they want to kill Eren but Armin and Mikasa don’t). This for a small chance of maybe stopping Eren. If this had happened before he started his path of destruction I think I could understand, but now there’s no going back. Eren sealed the SoY’s fates in the eyes of the world. Hange and co had to realize the SoY would now be exterminated instead of enslaved because of the horror Eren unleashed, showing the world what just one SoY was capable of

I don't really have negative thoughts on the chapter other than Gabi shooting Floch, but if he survives then i'm fine. I just think the chapter was somewhat uninspired, the scenes between Magath and Shadis didn't hit the emotions they were supposed to with me.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE VOLUME ON THIS BUS IS ASTRONOMICAL

The dynamic between the Yaegerists and Alliance forces was really interesting and depressing to see. Floch's speech humanized them and they proved to be really dangerous by decimating Reiner and Annie.

The chapter was great, a lot of action, a lot of close calls. I really thought a lot of the characters like Annie, Reiner and Pieck were in trouble. I at least thought Pieck was going to die since she was in the jaws of Falco but she's fine so that's good. I wish Shadis didn't die so soon, but I guess Isayama is trying hard to wrap up loose ends before the end so I understand.

i dont want a sad ending.

was a nice chapter, it feels even better because it came after the extra long waiting time

I still don't like that AMCJ betrayed Paradis. All of their fights before with the Warriors were in vain and meaningless like this. Is this why so many of the SC died? Erwin and Bertholdt too. I don't hate them, but can't understand. Also, RIP the Yeagerists, it was a brutal massacre. F Chadis and Chadgath.

I still don’t see how they stop the rumbling so it’s likely they don’t do it but eren chooses to, talking could be underwhelming but if it’s future eren knowing this could lead to something that we don’t know yet and is the horrible thing grisha mentioned the rumbling or worse?

I think in this chapter alliance crossed the line and now they full of determination to end their job

I think it lacked armin or he was too deficient at the time.

Teenage go brrr and alliance has plot armor but thats expected they have roles to play like getting killed by eren

Thanks for the shout-out for our 'cockroach' fill-in last chap, it made our week!

The Alliance feels increasingly supported by the script.

The alliance needs to be dealt a blow or have some internal conflict other cab playground insults around stew.

The battle between the alliance and Floch & the Yeagerists is totally unfair .

The alliance had 4 titan shifters , 1 Ackerman , 3 skilled soldier and 1 skilled warrior in the battlefield .

Floch & The Yeagerists are not skilled soldiers but they proved their bravery and fought for Eren , their people and home to the last second .

This chapater was just a set up for what's to come so judging it harshly would be unfair

this chapter was emotional on all levels and we had some information about the rumbling. The alliance worked very well and Keith was a hero. He was a hero in the shadows and I am happy that he was able to meet Magath because it allowed us as readers to see these two commanders from a different angle. Keith and Magath had a lot in common and could have been friends under other circumstances. Their sacrifice was an excellent end to this penultimate battle. Now is the time for the last final battle!

[abusedapricots]

I JUST finished The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes. WOW

I really enjoyed it, though not sure if I’ll feel the same way in a week when the book high has worn off, we’ll have to see.

*UPDATE: its meh, I dont regret reading it but I wouldn't recommend it to a friend. Honestly this book didnt need to be a thing but its not the worst.

I’ll admit, at first I was skeptical. I thought this would be a cash grab returning to an old world with guaranteed readers. I was worried that Panam would feel phony, after 10 years away from the original trilogy I didn't think it would feel real. I was quickly proven wrong. Coriolanus Snow definitely had his own story. The post-war capitol felt real even district 12 felt real. This book surprised me. Though my expectations were low I’m really happy about TBOSAS.

CORE-E-O-LAN-US or CORE-E-O-LANE-US?

I just quickly typed this up for some unbiased thoughts before I watch/read some reviews. As I'm sure there are lots of typos grammatical errors, and sloppy writing, I'll be back in a week to revise this review once I've let the books simmer.

Spoilers Ahead

I loved Coriolanus’ story. LOVED IT. He was smart, reserved, calculating, only ever giving away what was needed of a situation. Maybe it was the narcissist in me but I loved being in his brain. I liked how this book dealt with the other side of classism. How the once-revered Snows had fallen and Coriolanus need to keep up appearances, refusing to let the snow dynasty die. I like how thought-provoking the three C’s, chaos, control, and contract were. I liked how Coriolanus didn't have hard-set opinions, they changed as he grew. I find that a lot of the times with YA novels characters had a very strict world view of what is good and what is bad. Coriolanus’ view of humanity is never really clear until the end. He teetered on good and bad. Suzanne wrote a great villain, Snow was always able to justify his actions. He says it himself, he’s a capitol boy and he decides to play the game of fame and fortune instead of rising against injustice.

Coriolanus’ Superiority Complex

I think my favorite aspect of the book is how unattached Coriolanus was. Every time Coriolanus had to do anything he always weighed his options. He never rushed to help because it was the right thing to do, he did it to preserve an image. He’s all about his image. In the beginning, when he and Lucy Gray begin their relationship, Coriolanus never felt fully in it. Suzanne Collins writes in a way that obscures his motivations. He would often do and say things that made me believe that Coriolanus was really falling for Lucy Gray but then shortly after Coryo always mentions how he could benefit. He’s ‘love’ for Lucy Gray came from the want of the prize, the full ride to university, to bolster him and his family name, I don't think Coryo ever did anything out of pure intentions. He was never blind with love, he could still clearly see the options in front of him and every move was calculated, always self-serving. This is why him switching up on Lucy Gray wasn't very surprising, he saw a better opportunity and he took it. He never really loved her, he loved what she brought him, fame, attention, a chance at the prize, freedom once he used her up he had no use for her. Sure he was drawn in by her charm but in the end, he never really knew her, he had been too self-involved to ever really get to know people.

I think his lack of attachments was best represented in his unwavering distaste towards Sejanus. While he and Sejanus grew close (even just by proximity) Coryo never failed to look down on him, he never seemed to acknowledge that Senjanus’ worries were valid rather, he brushed them off as Sejanus being a district kid, never worthy of respect. When it came to it he was ruthless in his betrayal. Returning to the capitol and having the Plinths care for him as their own only solidified Snow’s heartlessness. I don’t think Snow was a psychopath, lacking all emotion, I think he definitely could have teetered over to the good side, but his superiority complex kept him from doing so. His classist need to divide and look down upon only grew as he goes on to become president. He has a very us against them mentality, a rich vs poor outlook where if you were born district that's all you'll ever be despite proving otherwise. Call it old fashion or heartless? He even had to convince himself and the capitol that Lucy Gray wasn't ‘truly’ a district kid, much less from district 12. He couldn't bear it, to be into someone from the lowest rung of society. It wasn't he style, not for the exceptional Coriolanus Snow. Funny how during the game when choosing which of the remaining mentors to eat with he thought “cannibal over cutthroat” while he was the most merciless himself.

Thoughts On Lucy Gray

I didn’t think she was anything special. Sure she was that cool, quirky™ girl but I’m not head over heels for her. I wasn't ever super invested in her. This might be because I’m reading in Coriolanus’ head, not seeing her as more than something to be used. I liked that she was nothing like Katniss though.

I liked it when Coryo saw her as a killer. When he had found the guns when his heart decided to kill her then. Lucy Gray knew the future too when she saw the guns, she knew it before Coriolanus knew it. She was smart, maybe reading from Coriolanus’ point of view shrouded her intellect as he refused to see anyone being better than him. He justified killing her by thinking of her as a killer. He altered his thoughts of her arena killings as a must for survival to cold-blooded. He no longer saw her as a ‘Poor Lamb’ but instead the “clever, devious, deadly girl”.

It was a shift for both Coryo and Lucy Gray. This showed that Lucy Gray wasn't without fault, she too could be cunning and ruthless, when need be of course. These few pages of the book were monumental in proving why Coriolanus was a bad person. It allowed the audience to see that everyone had this malice in them yet the majority chose not to listen and do the right thing while Coriolanus lead his life with that voice. He actively chose to do the wrong thing to move up in the world. His behavior was not special to him, his up growing, experience, and hardships didn’t make him an evil person, Coriolanus’ choice to choose evil at every turn to do good made him an evil person. Everyone has this malice in them but the majority chose not to act on it while Coriolanus welcomed it.

For Coriolanus, it showed that in his head, he could justify any action despite how cruel. I think this is where Coryo lost any last bit of humanity. He refused to see the world and its people to be good, to be capable of free thought. He saw the world to be controlled. These few pages were my favorite out of the book, I feel it to be the catalyst of his tyrannical rule. He couldn't trust the girl he “loved”, much less the district people.

Concluding Thoughts

This book made me think about responsibilities to preserve humanity vs our individual need to survive and be successful. If this what it takes to be president then so be it? how can you stop someone's pursuit of success? At what cost is someone's dream. At least we know that Coriolanus knows that the hunger games are wrong, he knows but to him its worth the cost of keeping the district complacent.

I think the cruelty of Dr. Gaul was needed to make Snow seem like a halfway decent person. With the addition of Dr.Gaul, it softened Coryo’s shitty behavior because what Coriolanus thinks and does pale in comparison to what Dr. Gaul thinks and does. Without Dr. Gaul, Coryo would have been the only one with these sick cynical thoughts, amplifying him to be the bad guy. I think it would be interesting to re-read this book while writing off Dr. Gaul’s action just to see just how evil Coriolanus is without the comparison of Dr. Gaul’s cruelties. I wonder if I would still be as understanding towards Coryo and if Dr. Gaul’s character had that large an impact to make Coryo seem not too bad.

Though I am left wondering how Tigris was left in the dust by the end of Mockingjay. It seems unlikely that Coryo would have just left Tigris to fend for herself given how fondly he spoke of the sacrifices she made for him and the family name. I wonder how she ended up with a failing fur undergarments business by Mockingjay. Had Coryo betrayed family? Coriolanus is callous but he still had loyalties, his family, Pluribus. It just doesn't seem like his style to leave the few he actually cared about to fend for themselves while he had the means to help. I mean even as peacekeeper Coryo sent most of his money back home. Maybe Tigris was the one that left Coryo as she was made out to be kind and caring, lacking the grandiose nature Coryo possessed. Also given that Tigris is older than Coryo, and him being a pretty old dying man in Mockingjay I can't seem to see Tigris being alive much less as active as she was in helping Katniss (and crew) in killing Coryo. Maybe it was her capitol surgeries that allowed her aging to slow?

I think its interesting that in the end Coriolanus still saw what he had with Lucy Gray as love. Maybe to him what he had was his version of love, being able to use someone and for them to be used so willingly. I wonder if he knows the difference between the two and what real love looks like. I wonder what he thought of Katniss and Peeta, stupidity? what's the point in being with someone if they dont benefit you?

Some stand out quotes:

“Oh, no. You don’t like it?” he exclaimed. “I can try and bring something else. I can-” Pg. 85. When Coryo brings Lucy Gray the bread pudding Tigris made. Coryo’s care of Lucy Gray’s taste preference was sweet. She hadn't had food in a while, having this bread pudding should the highlight of her day. The fact that Coryo cared that she didn’t like it and was quick to offer something else was very sweet of him. Ugh, image the type of gentleman he could have been if he had been genuine and not so rotten.

I like how Suzanne Collins didn’t try to get the audience to love and sympathize with Coriolanus. Instead, she makes it clear that Coryo activity chose to do the self-serving thing at every turn.

I genuinely really enjoyed this book. Maybe my second favorite out of the entire Hunger Games books (bold ranking!!! but it might change once the magic of being nose deep in a book for 3 days has worn off). I think this book works great as a stand-alone, I wouldn't be afraid to recommend it to those who haven't read the trilogy.

UPDATE* woah my post book high is bad. DEFINITELY NOT second favorite??? HUHH?? what was I saying? what was I thinking?? (my deep seeded resentment towards mockingjay is showing) this book in no way supersedes any of the trilogies, yes including mockingjay 😒.

I’m not gonna lie, I did start developing a crush on Coryo in the beginning. Him being so smart and driven, so gentlemanly, caring about the little things like handkerchiefs SWOON. Buuuuut he quickly became an ass.

I said that the title “The Ballad of Songbird and Snakes” was a ripoff of “A Song of Ice and Fire” before reading the book. I thought Miss Collins just wanted a super sick book name but as I have finished the book, I would like to formally apologize and retract my statement. The title does fit this book.

SNOW LANDS ON TOP

[the-queer-look]

The bonds that tie

No one is ever late to finding out their sexuality. No one is ever late with coming out. Everything takes time, and for some people that takes longer than others. Cultural and social circumstances can have a huge effect on how and when we begin to understand and accept ourselves, and in some parts of the world, that can have a deeply negative impact on our sense of self worth. Nevertheless, being true to ones self leads to deeper, more positive connections with those around you.

- K

Name: Jacob

age: 32

occupation: Refugee Assistance

Location: Liverpool

Gender: Male

sexuality: Gay

My name is Jacob, Im 32 years old, Australian, from an Iraqi background, with Assyrian nationality, and I am a gay man. I like to think of myself as a very easy going guy, although a lot of people seem to misunderstand my personality and think of me as a snob, or make a point of saying how I am very quite. I think that is because I am generally a shy person, largely because of being self conscious about my accent, I’m worried about saying something wrong, or not speaking fast enough. I always need to translate what I want to say into english in my head before actually saying it. I’ve always had a love of helping people, which is why I work for a government program designed to assist refugees secure housing and establish their first initial accomodation in Australia, which I’ve been working in for the past five years. My initial degree was in IT, which I gained back in Iraq, but once I finished my degree I realised that I wasnt very passionate about coding and working with computers, I just did the degree to satisfy my parents, so I worked with a newspaper and became a journalist until I left Iraq in 2010. I lived in Istanbul for a couple of years before moving to Australia as a part of my journey as an asylum seeker. I’ve been in Australia for about 6 years.

Upon moving to Australia it was very challenging to find work as a journalist, with English being my fifth language, and the competition for journalism jobs in Australia being so high, so I began assisting people who’d gone through my own journey, first as an interpreter, and then moving into community services and case management, and I’ve now done a diploma in social housing as well, and currently completing studies in social work with the University of Western Sydney, hopefully next year.

I think I realised that I was attracted to men when I was about 14 or 15 years of age, but because back then in Iraq there wasnt any access to the internet, nor anyone that you could really come out to and talk with about it, I felt extremely abnormal. I thought that it was just me, and that I was different to everyone else, it was at a time when all of my peers had girlfriends, and thinking about getting married and stuff. I met my first girlfriend when I was 17, and fell in love for the first time when I was 21 back in ui with one of my classmates, but of course that didnt last. I always felt like I was going down the wrong path, because even though I was dating women like I “should”, I still felt attracted to guys. Eventually I got the chance to speak to people through the internet, and found out what being gay was, and realised that I wasn’t an aberration. It gave me the tools to discover who I truly am. I dated my first guy when I was 24, which was when I was able to accept it, and I’ve identified as gay since then.

I did feel very strongly that I didnt belong in the society over there, with LGBTQIA+ people not being talked about at all, and such a religious culture which openly hated gay people… Growing up in a muslim society was very challenging, as the only Catholic guy in primary and middle school, with a western name as well, it didnt make it any easier to come to terms with my sexual orientation. I was bullied quite a lot for the way I dressed and acted, for not having a girlfriend etc. And that challenge moved to my home, the struggle about how to let my family accept me, the isolation that you feel as you build up to coming out to your family… Being gay, and the youngest in the family, in a very religious, Catholic family was not the easiest.

Eventually, even after moving out with friends after graduation, I was still very close with my family and dreaded the idea of coming out to them, and the possible disconnect from those family ties. Because I couldnt think of anything worse than not being able to see my nephews and nieces, of spending time with my parents. But eventually I had to be selfish for once, and I came out to them in August 2018. It was really hard for them in the beginning, they were really shocked, but we had a serious chat a few days later. I just realised, they always knew but they kind of denied within themselves, because of them… I looked different to any other gay guy that they knew of… I didnt fit those stereotypes that they thought of. I just did my best to educate them and make them believe it. At the beginning they were saying “You’re only saying that because you dont want to get married” and all this kind of stuff. I had to give them examples of people that I’d introduced them to and tell them that they were actually past boyfriends for them to accept the fact that I’m actually a gay guy.

They were expecting, even though we live in Australia now, that coming out to everyone would get me fired, or beaten up at work. They had no idea about the anti-discrimination laws in Australia, they even asked me about whether there was any sort of gay community in Sydney. Obviously it was a bit much for them, they offered me church conversion therapies, they offered me medications, they asked me to go on a blind date with a girl that might change my mind, but obviously none of those were options. I’ve asked them to accept who I am, and if not then they can continue their lives without me in it. But it didnt actually take any longer than two weeks before they started inviting me to family gatherings again, and our relationship now is even closer than what it was before. I’m so much more comfortable being myself around them, I dont feel like I have to hide myself, and pretend to be straight anymore that I used to do before. My whole family is so much closer now and I’m very grateful.

For my fmily I’ve always been the rebel. I was the first to move out of home, even though I’m the youngest. All of my brothers were getting engaged and married and still living with my parents. I moved out when I finished my studies, and everyone was against it. There’s this stigma in middle eastern culture that a young man should not move out of his family home before he gets married, because that will ruin his reputation and morals, and will have temptation to do bad things. There’ve always been comments about the way I dress, because my fashion choices were not very accepted, I followed the western singers on TV and stuff. And when I had my first piercing, an eyebrow piercing when I was 24, my family didnt talk to me for about two weeks because they thought it was too gay… surprise! It got even worse when I got my first tattoo, my friends would say to me “you look like a homeless person” “you look like you have no morals” etc, etc. When I got my ears pierced, they started saying that “you look like a faggot” which was really harsh. But I’ve always wanted to do what represents me, not to follow a group f people or act like someone else. I want to present myself in a way that represents myself, and I have always felt free to change my looks or the way I dress.

Things have definitely changed about the way I dress and act since I came out. I feel like I’m out of my shell, especially at work, I no longer feel the need to try to blend in anymore. Luckily the diversity at my work is very broad, so looking different isn’t a big deal. So far out of nearly 50 staff, I’m the only that is openly gay, which means of course I was picked by the inclusion co-ordinator to become the LGBTQIA+ champion fo the office, so staff could approach me to ask for resources and assistance when they have clients in the LGBTQIA+ community. And now I have the pride flag on my desk and people get shocked when they see it, and I can almost see the question marks appearing over their head as they stand there. But yes, I am definitely more comfortable being myself at work, that comfort in being who I am has helped my relationship with my managers because it’s like being a bird, and you finally learn how to fly, that’s how it feels for me to be out.

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[let-it-raines]

Second in Command (Epilogue - Part Seven)

Summary: Life as the “spare to the heir” isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be when you’re the supposed screw-up of the family, but people don’t know what really happens behind closed doors.

Rating: Mature

A/N: You guys are totally going to be annoyed with me for how I left it on a cliffhanger when I totally didn’t have to except to show some character growth and how things change...which I guess is exactly the reason I ended it that way :D

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr Chapters: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20

Epilogue Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 

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“Can I come in, son?”

“Yeah, of course,” Killian answers automatically, the shock of his father just showing up at his door stunning him for only a moment. It’s not like he never visits. He usually just calls or texts first. “I didn’t know you were coming over, dad. Why didn’t you call?”

“Oh, I was visiting the kids and thought I’d drop by since I knew that the two of you had returned home.” His dad steps inside, squeezing his shoulder before leaning down to pet Indy. “Hello, darling,” he then greets Emma, kissing her cheek before wrapping her up in a hug. “How are you feeling today?”

“Good, good,” Emma insists, her eyes still blown wide as if she’s actually been shocked. He knows she’s still a bit rattled from the flight and her nausea. The same thing had happened when they went out sailing the morning of their anniversary, before the disaster of the rest of that day, and even though he had been wary of it, Emma insisted she was fine. She never said she wasn’t, but the green of her face told him otherwise. “How are you?”

“Kicking pretty high for my age.”

“You are not old,” she laughs, tugging on Indy’s leash. “Do you mind if I take Indy for a quick walk? Let her run around a bit. She’s been told she’s going outside, and I’m afraid she’ll freak out if she doesn’t get to go.”

“Of course, dear. I’ll chat with Killian, and the second you two come back inside, I want to hear all about how you’ve been since you left us to go holiday in the warm sunshine. I swear it’s rained for the past week.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Emma takes a step over toward him, leaning up and kissing his cheek, whispering that she’ll be right back before taking a step outside with Indy and leaving him with his dad.

“Do you want something to drink? Eat?”

“I’m fine.” His father begins walking to the living room, settling down into the recliner he prefers when visiting all while Killian sits down on the couch next to him, only a side table between them. “So how was your holiday?”

He almost chokes on his own saliva thinking of all of the things he absolutely cannot tell his father about their holiday as well as wondering if he should bring up the privacy issue just yet. He doesn’t know, is never truly sure about these types of things. He could have a nice, normal conversation with his father or it could turn into another tense, stressful one. He’s had enough of those for a lifetime, but he also knows that he doesn’t have all of the time in the world to fix this. He’s got fewer than four months, really.

“It was wonderful,” he finally answers, his lips ticking up on one side. It really was wonderful to get away with Emma and only have each other for awhile despite the disaster that was their anniversary. It got better, though. It wasn’t completely bad. They had the sailing trip and the takeout meal that was better than anything else they’d eaten if only for how comfortable they both felt. He felt his son move for the first time, which was bloody brilliant and most definitely his new favorite thing. “It’s a gorgeous island. Emma mentioned something about asking you to make our beaches like that.”

Brennan barks out a laugh, the wrinkles on his face all gathering together while his gray hair shakes the slightest bit. If Killian was a betting man, he’d guess his dad is getting his hair cut in the next two or three days, keeping up with his lifelong schedule of haircuts. “If only I could. That would be bloody wonderful. But I like the way she thinks.”

“She’s definitely a brilliant dreamer.” He trails off toward the end of his sentence, looking down at his hand and twisting his ring around his finger, his constant physical reminder of his lifelong commitment to Emma, as if he really needs one. “Can I talk to you about something, dad?”

“Of course.”

“I know, well, I know that things were different when I was a kid, that technology wasn’t as advanced, that I was a bit of a surprise child and that you were on the older side when I was born.”

“Well, why don’t you just call me elderly then, Killian? And you have absolutely no proof that you were a surprise child.”

His dad laughs when he speaks, but Killian isn’t finding a lot of humor in it, knowing that he’s likely going to upset Brennan with his words.

“What I mean is, I know you weren’t really, truly involved in my life. And I’m not blaming you or trying to make you feel…upset, but I need a very particular kind of advice that really only you and mum or Liam and Abigail can give. And I’m honestly not even sure you can give it.”

“What’s wrong, Killian?”

He takes a moment to collect himself, hundreds of words on the tip of his tongue but none of them feeling quite right. But he has to say something, so he might as well speak the truth.

“How the hell am I supposed to be a father in a world where I can’t protect the privacy of my wife and my child? There were, um, photographers who rented out a house and used scopes to take pictures of us on the beach. And Emma and I got into a pretty nasty argument about it. She’s worried…I’m worried about Andrew’s privacy. We want him to live a life as normal as possible. We don’t want photographers following him to school or to the park, and I just – I don’t know how to fix it.”

He’s been clenching his fist all while he talks, the tenseness in his hand almost painful while hot tears form in his eyes, every fault and every insecurity he’s had long before the fight with Emma coming back and assaulting his senses, making everything a dark, cloudy blur.

Brennan looks calm, secure, the blue of his eyes not changing while his eyelids rapidly blink, his brows furrowing and the lines on his face increasing. Has he said too much? Shown too much emotion? Asked for the impossible?

“The fact that you have very obviously beaten yourself up about this proves that you are a better dad than I ever have been.”

“That’s not what I meant, dad. I didn’t – ”

“I know, Killian. I’m not taking offense to anything. I was a poor excuse for a father for the majority of your life. I was focused on Liam, on my job, on the protocol and the way that my father raised Albert and me. All I knew was that fathers were not supposed to be close to their children, and as much as that hurt me as a child, I stupidly believed it. The fact that you have forgiven me is something I still can’t believe.”

He leans over and places his hand on Brennan’s knee, patting him before leaning back and wiping at his eyes. “I did it for me, but with the way you’ve worked to change, you deserve it.”

“Thank you, my boy.” His father smiles, settling back into his chair and crossing his hands together in his lap. “But this is not about me. This is about you and your family. So you don’t want Andrew in the public eye? At all? Is that what you’re saying?”

“I mean, we haven’t discussed it in serious length, but yes. I’m sure that Emma will be okay with releasing the occasional photo or having him join us when we go overseas so we don’t have to be apart from him, but I think we’re going to have to take a step back in traditions. And when he gets older, I think we may need to move somewhere much more private.”

The front door opens then, the alarm beep sounding at the same time that he hears the click of nails and the squeak of sneakers as well as Emma’s voice. He straightens up, fixing his hunched back and sitting against the couch in as much of a relaxed position as he can.

“Go find, Killian, girl, yeah,” Emma coos, her voice getting louder the closer she gets to the living room. And then she’s in view, Indy running in first and jumping up on the couch before getting down once she spots Brennan, less familiar people always more exciting than him. Emma walks toward him, sitting down in the seat Indy just vacated and reaching around him to tangle her fingers in his hair, stroking the strands. “What’s wrong? Your shoulders are tensed.”

How the hell does she always know?

“Killian and I,” his father answers for him, seemingly understanding that Killian wasn’t sure what to say, “were simply talking about how you two seem to be suffering from some privacy issues and are worried about your child’s future, that you want Andrew to lead a more private life than normal.”

“Oh,” Emma gulps, her hand stilling in his hair before beginning again, “well, yeah. I know that we all grew up differently and that my childhood isn’t really an option, but that’s what I want, what we want. We want him to be able to be a kid, you know? I don’t want him to be used to cameras everywhere he goes. I don’t know how we’d fix that, but that’s definitely my top priority right now. And forever probably.”

His hand finds Emma’s knee, thumb running back and forth over the material of her leggings while she speaks. He’s here with her, for her, consistently, and he hopes that she knows this.

“Why don’t you two give me some time to think things over? I’ll meet with security. We’ll work out some plans and ideas. You two should probably talk to Liam and Abigail. It’s not, well, it won’t be exactly the same. You have more freedom than them, and they’re not quite as private as the two of you. But they do have experience in all of this.” “Thank you, Brennan,” Emma sighs, leaning back into the couch and scratching at his neck, his eyes fluttering closed for a quick moment.

“Of course, but at the end of the day, above everything else, we’re a family. How you two feel is far more important than any sort of duty and tradition we have, even if I do ask that we stick to the important ones.”

“Actually, I have something else that I want to talk about.”

His head snaps to her, eyes searching for what she has to say, but she’s not looking at him, her gaze trained on the wag of Indy’s tail while her fingers tap over his on her leg, the hand in his hair having stilled.

“What do you want to talk about, love?”

She looks at him then, the smallest of smiles on her face that comforts him the slightest bit, before directing her gaze to Brennan. “I don’t want to walk out of the hospital all made up hours after giving birth. Kudos to Abigail. She is a badass woman for that, but that’s not what I want. Andy doesn’t need to be exposed to so many people as a newborn. I don’t need to be all dressed up when I’ve just given birth. I don’t care about tradition when it comes to this. This is what I’m doing, and I really feel like it’s the first step in taking a stand about him not being some kind of public property.”

He didn’t know she felt that way about any of that, nearly every word she said news to him, but he gets it, supports it. If that’s what Emma wants for this, that’s what they’ll do. He’s never quite understood that tradition anyways, and he likes the idea of a more private celebration with just them and their families while Emma heals and they adjust to the terrifying process of being parents for the first time.

“I’m not sure we can do that, dear.”

“What?” His head snaps over to his dad, trying to process the words. “You literally just said that how we feel is more important than any duty we have.”

“But that we need to stick to the important traditions, yes. New family members are an important tradition.”

“Brennan,” Emma grits, her voice strained as she tries to keep it friendly, “I respect our family and all of the traditions we have, but I am not some kind of human machine who’s only here to produce babies. Yes, of course this is a big deal, but it’s a big deal for us as a personal family, not as some part of the institution. You can still put the sign up, make any and all announcements you want. Hell, I’ll release a picture if we have to, but all I’m asking is that we’re allowed to leave and travel home in peace.”

“I agree, dad. I mean, really. Of all of the things we break and bend, of all of the things we change, surely you can let this one thing go? It’s not hundreds of years ago where people are faking pregnancies and paternities to keep the line intact, which was ridiculous then. I think letting family be family is the most important thing, don’t you?”

“Aye, it’s just…you’ll have to forgive me.” Brennan runs his hand over his face, visibly warring something within himself, the lines on his face stressing. “You were right earlier when you said things are different now. These are not things that I really went through with you, not as prevalent as you. Emma, dear, I’m sorry. I don’t…I shouldn’t have ever considered making you do something you’re not comfortable with. I love you dearly, and you and Killian know what’s best here, not me.”

“I don’t want to disappoint you,” Emma says, getting up from the couch and sitting down on the edge of the coffee table so that she can squeeze Brennan’s hand. “You are so brilliant, and you uphold this family so well. I know that I’m different, that it was difficult to accept me, but change can be good, you know?”

“I know.”

Brennan stays for a little while longer, hashing out a few more details with them before accepting a cup of tea and some food, finally listening to them talk about their holiday all the while scratching behind Indy’s ears, her eyes closed in bliss the entire time. It’s peaceful, relaxing, and he feels his shoulders loosen the longer the conversation goes on, Emma’s laughter and joyful voice sounding throughout the room. In the back of his mind, though, he keeps replaying the conversation, thinking of everything he said, everything they all said, and he’s amazed it all went as smoothly as it did, surprised that his father acquiesced to their private exit from the hospital so easily. He had no idea that Emma wanted that, and he wonders how long she’s been toying with the idea, how many late nights she’s spent worrying about bringing it up. He knows she didn’t just think of it now, that it wasn’t spur of the moment, and he tries to remind himself to ask her about it later, to make sure that there’s nothing else she’s hoarding inside.

She goes through enough, has gone through enough over the years, and she shouldn’t feel like she has to hold things back from him.

But he saves his thoughts for later, letting his dad leave and letting Emma take a nap, her eyes falling shut without her even laying down on the couch. He wakes her before she can get into too deep of a sleep, though, knowing that it’ll hurt her back, and helps her go upstairs to their room, ignoring the curses she’s muttering under her breath about him waking her up. While she sleeps, he goes downstairs to his office, answering emails and clearing out his inbox that he left alone while they were in Spain.

Summer is normally a slow time for them, June and July full of engagements while August is usually taken off to spend in Balmoral. Emma’s due in September, though, a few days after his birthday, and she’s not working after August begins. He is, though, doing his regular work and making a few short trips, making sure never to never travel more than three hours away in case he needs to be home.

But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have things to do now, organizing his files and reviewing the financials for Kidding a Goal until Indy comes walking into his office, her nails clicking against the wood until she’s staring up at him with her mouth wide open, tongue practically falling out of her mouth. He checks his watch and sees that it’s far past seven. He’s surprised she didn’t come and get him two hours ago.

“You ready to eat, my girl?”

That gets her tail wagging before she takes off, running toward the kitchen at such a pace that she’s probably there before he even gets up from his chair. Sure enough, she’s already waiting next to her bowl like the most well-behaved dog in the world, which is not something he expected when he and Emma decided to get a dog last year. But she’s done well, their training working most of the time, but Indy does have the tendency to lick his face when he’s sleeping. He’s not a fan of that.

But she’s his best bud and a constant companion on his runs, so it all evens out.

After feeding her, he hears footsteps coming down the stairs, Emma wandering into the kitchen with sleep-rumpled hair and pillow streaks on her face, her pajama top falling off of one shoulder. She immediately heads toward the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water and some yogurt before settling down on a barstool.

“How’d you sleep?”

She grunts in response, opening her yogurt and eating a large spoonful. “I hate being pregnant sometimes.”

“So not well then?”

“Nope. I felt like my guts were all being squeezed out, but do you know who’s not moving now that I’m awake and out of bed?”

“Andy.”

“Yep.”

She keeps eating her yogurt, quickly finishing it up before getting another carton. He should probably fix something for dinner so she doesn’t consume the entire yogurt supply in their fridge.

“Hey, sweetheart?”

“Yeah?” she mumbles, pulling her spoon out of her mouth and looking up at him, her hair deflating the slightest bit from when she came down.

“You want to tell me what that was earlier? With my dad. When did you decide you didn’t want to do the public announcement?”

“Oh, um, I first thought about it a few weeks ago, but it was really driven home after last week. Why? You have an issue with it?”

“No,” he laughs, leaning down across from her and propping his elbows on the counter. “I think it’s bloody brilliant, that you are brilliant. I like that you want to do things your way…our way. It’s very sexy.” “Oh boy, if you’re looking to get laid right now that is not happening.”

“Well damn. Now I have no reason to compliment you.”

“Shut up,” she groans, tossing her spoon over into the sink, the metal clanking. “But seriously, you’re okay with all that, right?”

“Of course. I want you to do what makes you comfortable. I’m not the one giving birth.”

“Damn right. I think I’m going to give your dad a heart attack though.”

“Aye, definitely. I know he’s trying and he’s being accommodating, but I could practically see the fear of breaking traditions rolling off of him in anxiety-filled waves. But he’s seventy-three. Some things just aren’t going to change.”

“So basically we hit the jackpot today?”

“Yep.” He walks over to the fridge, opening it up and seeing what they have left over from before they left. “What do you want for dinner?”

-/-

“Bloody buggering hell,” he curses, bringing his thumb to his mouth and soothing where he just jammed his finger on the wood.

Building a crib should not be this difficult, but it apparently is. He’s been following the instructions exactly, making sure that each piece is doubly secure, and he’s not sure how it’s taking this long. He should be finished, this crib should be made, and he should be able to move onto the shelves or Emma’s glider that she was insistent on them getting.

He’s spent more time in this room in the past month than he has in any other room in the house, June somehow running away with itself all while he’s been hidden away within these four walls. It took a month and a half for he and Emma to decide on a simple light gray, one that he’s pretty sure is also in their bedroom, but honestly, once they both agreed on the color (likely because they have agreed on it once before), he wasn’t going to say anything else. He did pick out the gray-ish blue that’s on the wall with the shelves (or at least where they’ll go once he gets to them), so he’s pretty proud of it.

Neither he or Emma are much one for designing, though they have gotten a bit more into it since the remodel of the apartment, but he’s pretty proud of how Andy’s room is shaping up, even if the lad will stay in the bassinet in their room for awhile. It’s a simple room, clean lines and clean colors. All of the furniture are different shades of white and warm browns, woods really, with natural accents. Abigail gifted them a large wooden giraffe along with some leaf and animal prints, so those are sitting in the corner waiting to be placed after all of this furniture is built.

His favorite part, though, is definitely going to be the little sitting area by the shelves and the changing table. He’s not under any impression that this is going to be a calm room, a place to relax, but he figures there have to be times when he’s rocking Andy back to sleep in that very spot, the shelves filled with colorful children’s books that’ll become routine reading one day as well as being filled with several stuffed animals and photo frames that he can’t wait to update with pictures. Of course, the cabinets below will be filled with the essentials, the things no one likes to talk about like diapers and nipple cream (that was something Emma did not want to know about, and he honestly doesn’t blame her), but they’re definitely still in the dreamy, picture perfect nursery phase where the messiness of a child isn’t quite a factor.

Really to him, as much as he knows this is real, as much as he sees the physical proof, feels the physical proof (which holy shit is it incredible to be able to feel his son move), it’s still difficult for him to comprehend that in two months he and Emma will have a child. It’s something they’ve talked about for years, something they were planning on, but it’s difficult to put into words just how much love he has for his son.

And his wife.

She’s a rockstar in every sense of the word, and if he doesn’t mention it enough, Emma sure as hell will. He loves her fiercely, and that love is another thing that he can’t quite put into words. He honestly doesn’t understand men who moan and groan about their wives constantly. If anything, he finds it disgusting. Yes, you’re going to have disagreements with your significant other. That’s natural when you decide to spend your life with someone who has their own wants, needs, and opinions, but at the end of the day, his wife is his best friend. If there’s anyone he wants to spend time with, it’s her. No question.

If the answer to who your best friend isn’t your spouse or the person you’re marrying, he doesn’t understand why the hell you’d bother getting married. His mates are great, but they’re not Emma.

Maybe he is a bit of the cheeseball that Emma always claims him to be, but he likes it that way.

He’s definitely going to embarrass his kids. All of the time. He can’t wait. He’s got a few years, but he can’t wait.

“You know we can hire someone to do this, right?” Emma asks, a bit of laughter in her tone that makes him roll his eyes. His best friend, most definitely. The teasing is just a small part of that.

“Aye, but I’ve started it, and I intend on finishing it.” “Okay, but the crib doesn’t need to fall apart while there’s a baby inside of it, and the glider doesn’t need to fall apart while I’m sitting on it. That’s, like, a double disaster, and I know you lived by yourself for a long time, but I’m pretty sure you’re not capable of that anymore.”

“Oh, really? Because I was just going to make them as unsafe as possible so that I could live by myself again. I miss being able to stretch out in the bed.”

“You’re so funny,” she teases from the other side of the nursery where she’s putting away the washed clothes in the closet, organizing them by size. He swears they have enough clothes to last Andy for the first two years of his life, and that’s not counting the piles of things he knows David and Mary Margaret have at their house. “I think I may have bought him too much stuff. I don’t even think I own this many things.”

“You don’t mess your clothes up multiple times a day.”

“Good point.”

“I tend to make those.”

“Eh. Debatable.”

“Not at all debatable.” He turns back to the crib, looking at the instructions to see if he can remember where he left off before Emma distracted him. “Shit, this is impossible.”

“I can call my dad, babe. It won’t be a problem. He’s a bit handier than you.”

“Please, I am plenty handy.”

“Okay, well being handy with me is not the same as being handy when it comes to building things.”

“If we call your dad, he’s going to take over. I want to do some of this myself.”

“I will tell Dad just to help. Come on, babe, you love spending time with my dad.”

“Only now that he doesn’t give me the scary speeches anymore.”

“Yeah, I bet those were a lot of fun.”

“I mean, it’s been a solid half a decade since I’ve gotten one, but he still shakes me to my core.”

He hears Emma laugh, snort really, before she makes her way over to him, slowly settling down on the floor next to him and waving her hand until he gives her the instructions. She looks over them while looking at the crib, her eyes continuously darting between the two.

“You put part G in backwards. That’s why nothing after that is fitting.”

“Bloody hell,” he curses, reaching over and taking the instructions from her hand and checking to see if she really did just solve his problem, “how did you see that when I’ve been staring at it for the past hour?”

“Fresh eyes, my love. Fresh eyes.” She leans forward and kisses his cheek before falling back against the wall. “And that’s exactly why calling my dad and asking him to come over in the morning will be a great idea. I bet Mom will want to come too, and she does a mean job with a power drill.”

So Emma calls her parents who agree to come over in the morning. On top of moving, they’ve also begun to change around the hours of the pub, opening it earlier and letting Will close it out at night. And it’s because of this that they show up at eight in the morning, he and Emma both still asleep when their doorbell rings. Emma groans when she hears it, burying her face into his chest and making it impossible for him to get up without disturbing her. He can feel Andy summersaulting around in her belly, and he smiles to himself knowing that she’s going to have get up. She can’t sleep when he’s moving around like that.

He can’t sleep when Emma’s basically running marathons in bed, but that’s not something he’s going to voice out loud. He can get up and sleep in a guest room if he needs to. Emma can’t get up and walk away from the person who’s running marathons in her stomach.

There’s two human feet inside of her. That’s pretty weird if he thinks about it too much.

Okay, so really weird.

Slowly but surely he gets out of bed, letting Emma flip over into his spot, and heads downstairs to open the front door. David and Mary Margaret have a key, but they never use it, always waiting for either he or Emma to open the door for them, which he appreciates after one too many times having them walk in on he and Emma.

“Hi,” he greets, opening the door and ushering them inside. “Emma’s still asleep, but I’m sure she’ll wake up soon. Do you guys want some breakfast?”

“We ate at home, sweetie,” Mary Margaret greets, giving him a quick hug before David does the same. “So Emma said you guys were having some issues in the nursery.”

“I believe that it was more like Killian not being able to put together a crib in under three weeks.”

“So funny, Dave,” he bites, rolling his eyes and locking the door. “I did eventually figure it out. I just think this mid-July heat is obviously getting to me. Or maybe nerves. I’m not too sure.”

“Well, let’s go help then. We’ve got to be at the pub at two, but I think we should be able to get things done.”

After he fixes himself some coffee, not nearly as wide awake as David and Mary Margaret, they head upstairs and begin working in the nursery, assembling the shelves and drilling them into the walls in half the time that it would have taken he and Emma had they done this by themselves. So maybe help isn’t all bad. Before Emma even wakes up, they have the shelves installed and pictures securely nailed on the wall. There are books already being stacked, stuffed animals and knick knacks being placed, and all of the fun nipple creams and breast pumps being placed in the cabinet.

They’re working on the glider when Emma finally wanders in, her hair falling out of its band so that half of it spills down her back while the other half is piled on top of her head, and she’s got her glasses on, something she only does when her eyes feel too puffy to put her contacts in.

“Hey, sweetheart,” David greets, finishing tightening the screw he’s working on before getting up to embrace Emma. “How are you feeling?”

“Rough today. I think the little dude’s a giant or something because he crushes my lungs and my bladder at the same time. So I can’t breathe, and I have to pee. So, yeah, it’s fun.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Thanks, dad. It looks fantastic in here. You guys have done so much. I feel like we’re not going to have anything to do in the next two months if we finish all of this.”

“That’s kind of the point, love.”

“Yeah,” she yawns, covering her mouth, “I know. Mom, do you want to come and rest with me in my room? My back hurts today, and I just can’t sit on the floor in here with you guys.” “Of course, hon,” Mary Margaret answers, walking away from the closet and stepping over to Emma before she rubs up and down her back. “Are you sure you don’t want Killian to join you? David and I would be fine to work on our own.”

“No, it’s fine. I bug him all day, and I’m kind of thinking that you can paint my toes for me or we can watch movies or something. It’s been awhile since we’ve done that.”

“Text me if you need me, love,” he tells Emma, his eyes tracing over her in a bit of concern. It’s difficult watching her be uncomfortable or miserable on some days when he literally can’t do anything about it.

“Yeah, babe, I will.”

Emma and Mary Margaret walk out of the room, their voices fading away as they walk into their bedroom one room over, and he’s left with just David who promptly gets back to work finishing building the chair. Music plays in the background, an eighties’ playlist he thinks, and it doesn’t take longer before the chair is completely together and he’s sitting in it testing it out. It’s comfortable, probably one of the best seats they have in the house, and he can definitely understand why Emma insisted on this one after shopping around a bit.

“How does someone so small have so much stuff?”

“My child is twenty-eight years old, we don’t even live in her childhood home anymore, and I swear things of hers still pop up all of the time.”

“That’s likely because Emma leaves everything all over the place.”

He folds his hands behind his head, closing his eyes and rocking back and forth while Cherry Bomb plays in the background, which is definitely not a nursery appropriate song. Or maybe it is. Who needs Mozart when you can have The Runaways?

“So is Emma like that every day?”

“Like what?” he asks, popping an eye open to look at David who’s sitting against the shelves, which can’t be good for his back. God, how old is he getting if his first concern is for someone else’s back?

“Exhausted.”

“No, not every day. She’s usually got a hell of a lot of energy, even if there’s always a nap. I think she had a restless night. She’ll tell me like it is, though. If she’s having a bad day, she’ll let us know.” “What about you?”

“Well, I don’t have a baby crushing my lungs and my bladder.”

“True,” David laughs, running his hands through his short hair. Killian swears it’s gotten more gray in the past year, the blonde nearly disappearing. David is only fifty-two, so he’s not exactly older. Hell, if it weren’t for the wrinkles on his forehead and the gray hairs outnumbering the blonde, he’d look much younger. “But I remember being a dad for the first time. It’s terrifying, so you’re allowed to be scared.”

“I am. It’s…” He reaches up and scratches behind his ear, his hair getting long enough that he knows he needs to get a haircut soon. “Emma and I try to make sure that we keep up our normal routines, that we have our normal conversations without talking too much about the baby, but it’s kind of hard, you know? It’s like we’ll be talking about going out to eat and two minutes later we’re making a list of middle names or speculating if he’s going to look more like me or Emma.”

“I know. But it’s an exciting time, Killian. There will never be anything like it, and if you want to talk about the fact that you’re having a kid, you should. You and Emma have been together for so long, and I really don’t think your relationship is going to struggle if you’re not sitting around making references no one else understands for hours on end.”

“Oi,” he protests, resisting the urge to pick up the toy elephant next to him and throw it at David, “that is your daughter you’re mocking, and she can still kick your ass.”

“Trust me, I know. Who do you think raised her to be like that?”

“Mary Margaret.”

“You’re walking a thin line.”

He winks at David, his lips ticking up on the right into a smirk. “I know. You and Mary Margaret did such a good job, still do such a good job, and even with all of the times you’ve messed up – ”

“ – which is a lot more often than even Emma has probably told you.”

“I just…you’re a good dad, Dave. To Emma, to me. I hope I can do half as good as a job.”

“You’ll be great, Killian.” David smiles at him, something genuine, and Killian’s reminded of how much David really has impacted his life in all of the best ways. “I promise. And as much as I love you, I do love my little girl more, and she’s going to be amazing. She’s always…she’s never been too open to a lot of people, but the people she loves, she loves so fiercely, you know? And she’s already doing so well at being a mom. She’ll call me at nights, and I can just hear the happiness and excitement in her voice. At the end of the day, that’s all you want, you know? For your kid to be healthy and happy.”

“Yeah, I know.” He smiles to himself, thinking of how happy he is. “Also, how dare you imply that you love your own daughter more than me. I thought I meant more to you than that. I thought we had something special, man.”

“I can still give you hell. I’d watch yourself.”

He and David finish up in the nursery for the next few hours until David and Mary Margaret have to go to work, leaving after the three of them eat lunch down in the kitchen, Emma staying upstairs for a nap. When the Nolans are gone and he’s finished eating, he heads upstairs, bypassing the nursery and walking into their bedroom where Emma is sitting up on the bed watching TV.

“Your toes look nice,” he compliments, grabbing onto her big toe and moving it back and forth. “Do you feel any better?”

“Yeah,” she sighs, twisting onto her back and scooting up the bed, “it’s just one of those days, you know? I’m not usually this miserable.”

“I know, but it’s okay to have bad days, love.”

“Come here,” she tells him, crooking her fingers and motioning toward him before she turns on her side and wraps her arms around her pillow. He does as she asks, kicking off his sneakers and crawling up into the bed, the mattress moving against his weight until he’s pressed up behind her, his knee stuck between her thighs and his arm wrapped around her waist while the other rests above her head. This is how she’s been comfortable lately, and he can’t say he minds. “Did you guys get a lot done?”

“Aye, it’s almost all finished.” He moves her hair off of her neck, placing a kiss there before resting his chin on her shoulder. “It just needs your finishing touches, I think.”

“And we have to unpack all of the boxes that are in the guest room and put them away in the closet.” “That too, but we’ve got time, Emma.” She hums, and he can feel the vibrations as well as Andy moving around under his touch, the movements following how he taps his fingers. “Has he been active today?”

“Not since I woke up, but he always responds to your voice.” “Yeah, he recognizes me?”

“Of course, you talk so damn much. How could he not?”

He turns his head and presses a kiss against her jaw, biting a bit just to tease her. “You are not a very nice woman, my love.”

“Oh please, I’m, like, the seventh nicest person you know.”

“Seventh?”

“I figured it was conceited to put me at number one.”

“Possibly.” He moves his hand against her stomach again, snaking his fingers up under her pajama top so that he can feel the warmth of her skin. “So he really does get more active when I talk?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty weird to think about, but it’s true. He likes when you talk. I think it’s because you’re a much better story teller than me.” “I mean, obviously.”

“And that he’s probably just glad to hear someone else besides me. Imagine being stuck with someone for nine months. Good God.”

“Well, I’m stuck with you for forever. Good God.”

She groans and curses him under his breath before she scoots over and turns in his arms, slowly but surely moving to face him. “Don’t be an asshole. Also, so I was talking to mom today, and she wants to be called Mimi. I think Dad wants to be called Papa, which I like as long as that’s not what you want. I know that’s what some kids call their dads.”

“Aye, it’s what Lizzie calls Liam, which is weird since Alex doesn’t do that. But I’m okay with dad or daddy, so David can be called Papa.”

“Yeah, I kind of like it. Mimi and Papa. And then your parents are Gammy and Grandpa, right? That’s what Alex and Lizzie call them.”

“Aye, but I know Mom didn’t want to be Gammy. It’s just what happened. She says it makes her feel old.”

“Your mom is not old.”

“I know, but considering your parents are barely fifty while my parents are in their sixties and seventies, it doesn’t help.”

“I’ll tell my parents to get older then.”

He smiles at her before closing his eyes and settling into his pillow, letting his head sink down into the softness. It’s calming in here, the lights turned off and curtains closed while the ceiling fan hums a steady rhythm above them. He could fall asleep like this even if he’s not the biggest fan of naps, always somehow ending up groggy when he wakes up, and it doesn’t help with the way that Emma is playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, her fingers scratching into his scalp.

“Are you working tomorrow?”

He pops an eye open, looking at Emma and smiling when her nail hits a particularly sensitive spot on his neck. “Aye, I’ve got the Investiture ceremony at ten. Why?”

“Just wondering. I was thinking we could go somewhere. Just us. Maybe take Indy to Berkshire and let her run around, spend some time outside.” “We can do it in the afternoon, if you want. I think the weather is supposed to be nice.”

“Yeah,” she sighs, leaning forward and sliding her lips over his for a brief moment, “I think that would be nice.”

The next day after he’s finished with the ceremony, he hurries home, changing out of his suit and into shorts and a t-shirt, slipping a baseball cap onto his head and grabbing something to eat for lunch while Emma does the same, her hair falling out of the back of her hat in a long ponytail. They’ve got all day, but the afternoon’s weather is pleasant enough that he’d like to go now so they can stop by a café for dinner, even if that’s the absolute last thing that Thomas will want them to do.

They want their privacy, but they should be able to go out to dinner.

So he and Emma load up into his car, letting Indy sit in the backseat with the window rolled down so she can feel the mid-July breeze blow through her fur. It doesn’t take long to get to Windsor, pulling into their parking garage less than thirty minutes later, and instead of going inside like they’d usually do, he hooks Indy up to her leash while Emma grabs some water bottles and they head to the private gardens, avoiding the visitors wandering around on tours.

As much as he prefers the spring, mild July days are near the top of his list of favorite things. Everything is brighter, more pleasant. The grass is actually greener, the flowers contrasting against their background to create a landscape of whites and shades of purple, while everything is covered in a clear blue sky, only a few white clouds scattered throughout. New life blooms, and he gets to be the one to appreciate it, to revel in it. England can be so dreary sometimes, the weather somehow reflecting the moods of most people on their morning commute to work, so he appreciates when it’s not. He’s always loved the outdoors, and if there’s any complaint he has about his home, it’s the small private garden that they have to themselves. He’d like something larger, more space to run around, and sometime in the future, he and Emma plan to spend more time in Bucklebury so that they have the privacy.

That’s what they’ve decided on since returning from Spain last month. There’s been more lengthy, draining discussions with his parents and their security team than he’s ever wanted, and as much as he feels like they haven’t really accomplished anything, he knows it’s a slow process. Of course, there are drawbacks to every positive. They’re still going to have to spend most of their time at Kensington. It’s closer to their work, to their families. Hell, Emma’s parents just bought a house so that they could have the ability to spend time with their grandchild, and now they’re going to move away from them. It’s less than an hour drive, but it’s not nearly as close as they currently are.

But everyone understands, and they don’t plan on moving any time soon, not until Andy’s a bit older. They want to be near all of their loved ones when he’s younger, and they’ve spent so much time working on their home, making it exactly how they want. It’d be difficult to leave full time, so it’ll be nice to have the option of both.

It’ll be even nicer to give Andy the most normal life that they can possibly give him.

Emma whistles next to him, her fingers between her lips, while Indy runs back to them from where they let her loose. She was about five seconds away from jumping into a pond full of fish, and as much as they’d usually let her swim, they don’t need to have a wet dog with them for the rest of the day. So she runs back to them as quickly as she can, her legs leaping in the air with her black and white fur bouncing the slightest bit. He’s convinced that she shouldn’t be able to be that quick, but she’s still just a young dog, less than a year old, and though her legs will get longer, he doesn’t think she’ll ever be full of this much energy again.

If she is, he and Emma are definitely in over their heads.

With the dog.

He’s going to choose to not think of what it’ll be like with a toddler than can run and a dog that he can run after.

After she calms from her almost pond dive, Indy walks along in front of the two of them, occasionally wandering off the stone path to sniff around in the plants, nearly tearing up several flowers until they call her back to keep walking. They stay wandering for a little over two hours, not caring where exactly they’re going or if they’re circling back around in the same spots. Indy and Emma get tired around the same time, so they settle down onto a stone bench with a patio cover that’s next to another small pond.

In the distance, he can see the Chapel where they were married, the steeple rising up above the other buildings and stone walls, and he smiles to himself thinking of that day. In the grand scheme of things, he knows that when it comes to he and Emma, as important as it was, they had so many smaller, inconsequential days that he holds just as fondly in his heart.

But that was a pretty damn good day.

He stretches his arm out over the back of the bench, wrapping it around Emma’s shoulder and tangling his fingers into the ends of her ponytail while she leans her head on his shoulder, the bill of her hat hitting him in the chin for a brief moment. He’s glad she suggested them getting away from London for a little bit, for suggesting that they change up the routine and spend a day enjoying summer, especially since they’re missing out on Scotland with the rest of the family.

A month in the same place as everyone is likely a bit long, anyways. He loves his family, but that’s a lot for anyone.

“I love you, you know?” Emma asks out of nowhere, her gaze never falling away from the rippling of the water in front of them, a fish leaping up out of the water while the lily pads float around.

He squeezes her shoulder, rubbing up and down her arm and kissing her head even if she can’t feel it through the hat. “I know. I love you too.”

[comicteaparty]

May 23rd, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on May 23rd, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PDT.  The chat focused on Maiden of the Machine by Caitlin Like.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! Our final Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Maiden of the Machine by Caitlin Like~! (https://maidenmachine.com/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

i think my favorite scene so far is when elizabeth and victor decide to sleep together. part in for its serious drama. theres so many questions about victor created from just the visuals, and then theres the stakes at hand of elizabeth's reputation. but then, there is also a good balance of comic relief to a degree since victor told her to ask no questions and she asks the one question that he probably didnt see coming. all around it was a pretty satisfactor culmination of their relationship so far at a juncture that felt natural.

another scene i really enjoyed was the ball scene where victor and eric are having a chat about elizabeth and then elizabeth and victor have a passionate liason. im mostly a fan cause of the dramatic convo. cause theres a deep and terrible sense that both characters truly know what their risking, what the situation is, and how they still are into each other. plus, its all very tense cause it just takes one person being in the wrong place at the wrong time to blow their cover.

honestly i think itd be accurate to say all my favorite scenes are with elizabeth and victor. romance is one of those genres i can struggle with, because theres always something missing. but oh man do i love the romance in this comic. there is nothing more i want than to see then elizabeth and victor finding a way to be together in spite society trying to kick that down at every turn.

i will give a special shout out to the scene where eric, abhaya, milo, and the cousin are meeting to discuss the affairs of the estate. i just like it because it basically shows all the characters' worst sides. abhaya is brash and reckless, milo is just kind of there, and eric is a greedy mofo. and whats worse is literally none of them thought to bring elizabeth. they may have their excuses of protecting her...but part of me still thinks thats a super dick move and shows even abhaya just kind of views elizabeth more as a pawn than a person. but all in all, nothing like money and estates to show off everyone's worst traits. it is very true to life, and i can respect that.

another non-victor/elizabeth scene i respect is the scene where elizabeth is out dress shopping and eric is like here i got you these dresses. just cause i knew eric was kind of a creep, but ho boy, he dialed the creep up to number 11 on a 10 meter scale. but at the same time, i think that really helped to erase all sympathy i might have had for him. thus paving the way for me to not really feel guilty on elizabeth's behalf for her trespasses against him.

mathtans

Hello, I made it... unfortunately this is a rather bad week, I only made it through the first two chapters.

RebelVampire

i also like scenes with west in them. cause I like that between all the people around Victor, West seems the most honest in a scoundrel sort of way. Which that is basically what I like about him in every scene. He causes trouble and pushes the limits, but at the same time hes always at least pretty upfront about his intentions.

thats unfortunate cause its a great comic, but glad to see you anyway math!

mathtans

Which kind of sucks, I like the whole concept of the kick ass ladies. Even the pirates.

Maybe I'll find time to read more in the background.

The bit I liked most of what I read I think was back in the first chapter, when Elizabeth makes the callback to when she got out of the ropes at the very start of the story. It was a nice subtle detail which I found very clever.

I'm not at your bits yet but I can see how the Elizabeth/Victor thing is being set up. Also there seems to be some question of whether Abhaya likes him... or possibly other ladies? I may be reading my own interests into that.

RebelVampire

you may be reading your own interests but later on there is a female character i ship abhaya with atm

so there is that

i dont think youve met her yet tho

mathtans

Also, yeah, the whole estate thing creates an interesting dynamic. That was a clever way of using the period to generate conflicts.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 2. A large focus of the comic is on Elizabeth and Victor’s relationship. At the end of the day, do you think the two will find a way to be together? If so, how will they get over the scandal Elizabeth would face and the fact those around Victor want him to marry a titled woman? If you don’t believe they’ll find a way to stay together, what will stop them? Further, given the most recent events, how will Eric Wollstonecraft play a role in the future of their love story? How does the narration framing seen where Elizabeth is addressing her potential son affect your opinion? How do you think that future came about, and how soon will it come to pass? Last, what do you think of their relationship in terms of Elizabeth wanting to make her own choices in life?

mathtans

I ship Abhaya with everyone.

RebelVampire

yeah i have to say if theres one thing i appreciate its combination of progressive themes while at the same time acknowledging that the period was not the friendliest towards these things

especially in regards to how elizabeth is treated since her only purpose apparently to everyone is to get hitched to a titled guy

and i mean

thats depressing

yet also true to the period

even though we get to see elizabeth take a journey and reject those social conventions

in regards to the current question, i am choosing not to think about whether in the long term elizabeth and victor will get together for the rest of their lives. because if they dont i will cry but i could see this realistically being the case given the tone of the narration. cause that...does not sound like an elizabeth who lives in eternal happiness.

mathtans

Back, sorry. Yeah, I'm usually not much of one for period pieces, but I like the narrative viewpoint. Also, pretty neat airships.

There was the point where she talked about leaving Victor behind back in Chapter 1 (I don't recall the exact circumstances) but I wondered if it was because he causes her heartache, or just because it make their lives more complicated.

Incidentally, the first thing I thought of with the name "Lovelace" was Lady Ada Lovelace. The mathematician. Not sure if that was an intentional reference to another well regarded woman.

RebelVampire

i love period pieces but i think the steampunk aspects help twist it enough to make it a bit more unique.

mathtans

(I don't think the time frames synch up but I don't recall when the comic takes place...)

Oh, it's definitely unique. I like the gadget aspect too.

RebelVampire

i would not be surprised if the name choice was purposeful. if only because the comic has lots of strong ladies. i doubt well see any real historical figures though.

i appreciate that the comic actually kind of starts off with the airship escapade

cause it really showcases the ways in which their world differs

where you get airships

and sky pirates

mathtans

That's a good point. Helps with the world building before we get down into some of the classic period issues.

RebelVampire

yes. and i also kind of like it starts off more action-y. not that there isnt action bits later mind you. but more i think it helps set up the main conflict while tying in the romance. because it makes it so the romance isnt some forced subplot. rather its kind of integral and has as much to do with the whole highjacking as the rest of the story. since later on youll see that elizabeth's proximity to victor keeps bring that part of the story into the limelight

mathtans

That's a good point, in terms of tying things together. Also possibly sets up a key antagonist (or at least revenge plot) in that burned pirate lady.

RebelVampire

she does come back

i will spoil that much

mathtans

I figured she had to some time, whether it was by the present updates or not.

I've resumed reading a bit in the background. Seems like both the Watson ladies are doing their best to get arrested. ^.^

RebelVampire

well at least Abhaya is.

cause Abhaya is a risk taker who puts herself in many situations where people are gonna stop and stare

mathtans

Well, yes. But Elizabeth also seems to be taking risks where Victor is concerned. Or at least stepping out of her comfort zone.

Certain people have certain effects on us I guess.

RebelVampire

nah thats true. I just think Elizabeth just takes more social risks. Like not the kind that are gonna get her arrested, but more the kind that are gonna get her socially shunned.

whereas Abhaya is the punch one who is gonna get charged with assault

mathtans

That seems like a valid viewpoint. It fits with their personalities when we saw them in their youth.

The cutting back and forth between the two sisters in Chapter 3 is well done.

RebelVampire

yeah in general i like the PoV switching of the comic. because every scene is pretty well-chosen and advances the plot in some manner. and it lets us see others parts of the comic developing. cause later on you do get to see more of victor without elizabeth some and get to go "hmm" to all that hes up to.

mathtans

Ha! I like Chapter 3, page 31, where all the dialogue seems to fade out as Victor touches her. Cute.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. Besides romance, there is a larger plot posing real and deadly danger to the characters. Who do you think the Angel is? What are the Angel’s goals, and why is she excessively targeting Victor? Further, what do you think the source of her power is? Also, what does have kidnapping people like Ambrose have to do with her goals? Alternatively, is Ambrose there of his own free will (and if so, why)? Considering Abhaya is being sought by Amabel for help, what do you think Abhaya will do? Will Abhaya be able to uncover more of the truth, or is Abhaya just going to get herself into more trouble? How will Abhaya’s involvement affect Elizabeth and herself? Last, can Amabel be trusted, or is it possible she’ll abandon Abhaya when Abhaya might need her?

spoiler Amabel is who I ship Abhaya with

mathtans

Related to those questions, I do wonder a bit if Victor has a sordid past or something. Like maybe his empire wasn't entirely built on the up-and-up... with his knowledge or possibly without it. So there could be a reason there for him to be targeted.

I've looked on the character page and I approve this ship.

RebelVampire

oh yeah. Victor is 100% definitely a scoundrel. There is one scenes that really hints at this, but even before that i agree with you. Victor is not on the up and up entirely. I don't think he made his fortune without cracking a few skulls.

although idk if this is what makes him a target persay

or maybe it oes

but more in the way hes done the forbidden when it comes to tech

mathtans

Was he totally aware of the repercussions of whatever he did though? Because the people around him seem to like to keep him in the dark.

brb

RebelVampire

im sure he knew the repercussions. the people around him are more about keeping him in the dark about romantic matters. cause as was implied by one of the questions later on you find out the main thing ppl arent telling victor is that elizabeth is just there to open him up to the idea of marriage so he can marry a titled lady

cause everyone is all about those titles

In regards to the current question while you're away, I think Abhaya will help Amabel and get herself caught and get into a whole mess of trouble that for once, Elizabeth will have to break her out of. But I think it'll be a dual sword cause I do think Elizabeth's relationship to both Abhaya and Victor is gonna put her in the crosshairs. cause like, what an easy way to get Victor to show up. Get Elizabeth, tell Victor you'll never see her again if you don't show up.

as for the angel's goals, I feel shes on a path of vengence against the entire world, but particularly victor cause hes high up there in the industrialist chain

and knows something she doesnt and that she needs to bring her plans to fruition

mathtans

Back. Okay, that does make sense, darn titles.

Interesting, this Angel talk. I wonder if it's the same "angel" we see in the title card for Chapter 2?

Sounds like you think it's not personal, the Angel's path, merely that Victor is a convenient figurehead.

RebelVampire

i mean the angel is kind of the one from the title card. those are her wings for sure, though she doesnt look quite like that the one time you meet her

it could be personal, but i feel like the angel just has bigger fish to fry

from the impression i got from her

since shes kidnapping a ton of ppl

and you dont need to kidnap ppl to your cause if all youre doing is hunting down some industrialist

who almost got caught

if not for abhaya and elizabeth

mathtans

Ah, so she's the one behind the disappearances then.

(Still reading in the background.)

RebelVampire

yes. i mean its pretty implied but you get confirmation later that yes its her. though you can definitely speculate on the why

cause i have no clue

shes still enigmatic

mathtans

Looking for a husband? ^.^

RebelVampire

shes reading the wrong romance advice book

when elizabeth and her meet, elizabeth will point her in the right direction

and the angel is like "oh wait so youre not supposed to kidnap them? huh?"

mathtans

And then we ship Angel and Elizabeth.

RebelVampire

no. ill ship Abhaya and Angel

Elizabeth and Victor are the OTP

i said but then was like "nah id totally ship Elizabeth with West"

mathtans

Heh. That's fair, they are the main couple. Though West is an interesting guy, just needs to learn social cues.

RebelVampire

nah thats why west is amazing

he doesnt know social cues

and is awkward

yet helpful

and hes the only dude of victor's who seems to be in elizabeth's corner

mathtans

Right. I think it was said that he's not used to the lifestyle?

RebelVampire

yes that is what he said

which makes me want a side chapter just about what he did before he came to victor

cause i dont feel like victor would just hire some rando. he must of seen something in west

mathtans

Maybe he took pity on the guy, something about the scar.

RebelVampire

that could be cause victor understands the burden of scars

or something like that

whereas i just think west's scar gives him character

QUESTION 4. Mixed in with the present drama is a lot of unsolved past drama. Who do you think Victor really is? What do you think happened to Victor based on Milo’s story that he was telling Abhaya? How do you think Victor managed to overcome this to become the person he is today? Also, what do you make of the room Victor seemed to have sealed off in his house? Besides Victor, there is also a lot of drama between Jules, Abhaya, and Milo. What do you think happened between the three of them that managed to damage their relationship forever? Will spending more time together heal their wounds, or is it impossible at this point? Further, what was Jules up to the whole time he was away with Victor? Last, what do you think Jules’ goals were for introducing Elizabeth and Victor, and why does he seem immensely conflicted about her presence?

mathtans

Sorry, biab

RebelVampire

kay

I think Victor was some fellow servant kid who was Jules' only friend after Jules got sent away. And then Victor almost died. Although I'm changing my previous speculations. Maybe the Angel is more literal and she literally showed up, saved Victor with tech with the promise to return, and then left. So now shes back for her comeuppance. Meanwhile, Victor decided technology was great and he needed to bring it to the world cause it was what would keep him alive and save others.

as for the three, at this juncture it seems pretty heavily implied Milo and Jules were in a relationship and that Milo called off the wedding to Abhaya cause he didnt want to live a lie in regards to how he felt about Jules. Regardless of the what, while Milo i feel will legitimately forgive and forget, I dont feel Abhaya or Jules will. Abhaya cause she doesnt seem the type to ever forgive ever. And to just hold onto her hatred and seethe. Jules in the meantime I think wont forgive until he gets revenge in some way. Cause the two probably betrayed his trust big time and he kind of got the most screwed over by what happened

i think Jules wanted them to meet for the exact reason that the others implied: they want Victor to warm up to the idea of women so he can get married. However, I feel Jules now feels like a jerk who is taking out his anger at Abhaya on Elizabeth who had 0% to do with what happened between the three. and yet he knows hes in too deep to turn back now.

mathtans

Could be that Victor was initially poor... in fact maybe he married into the company somehow? Could the Angel be his wife? o.o

I wondered about Milo and Jules. My initial thought had been that Abhaya had called off the engagement though, so that's an interesting other look at things.

Jules and Elizabeth were close too, back in the day. One wonders if he's that good at seeing how things play out long term.

RebelVampire

nah its definitely his company. but victor was probably poor. if only cause everyone calls him new money. so it means he has no predecessor parent who made their fortune.

Jules strikes me more as the type who things hes great at planning but really, really, really isnt

and then tons of consequences come about that he has to accept and deal with

mathtans

That makes sense and could explain the sympathy for West too, maybe he knows West even though it doesn't necessarily go both ways.

Yeah, Jules seems to think he's got everything well in hand but he doesn't seem to account for the human factor.

Made it to the end of Chapter 4/Act 1 now. Apparently the Angel kidnaps people to literally graft wings onto her spine. Ouch.

Interesting callback to Victor's wounded leg though.

RebelVampire

i think even more than the human factor, Jules is just bad at making plan Bs for when things do go wrong. then panics and makes bad decisions

like not telling victor the factory is in danger

mathtans

Maybe that thing that Victor has in the factory is a time machine. Turns out he's actually from the future, he brought back all the technology and that's why the Angel is after him, she thinks it's stolen.

You're not wrong there, about Jules.

RebelVampire

ya know...i can support this time traveler theory. i mean it doesnt quite fit considering flashbacks

but id 100% buy victor built a time machine

cause why not

victor is amazing

mathtans

Maybe his company is corrupt because they're still trying to get the patents.

RebelVampire

i mean

its a company

so its probably corrupt to some degree regardless

mathtans

That's also a good point.

RebelVampire

i mean i can point out the fact they want victor to marry a titled lady to be a form of corruption. cause thats just marrying someone to advance your social standing for the business

mathtans

I guess we're near the end... haven't said anything about the art yet. I suppose I like the shading, and I thought the sound effect use was clever.

Need someone to star in the commercials.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my wife loves this new device I call a roomba."

RebelVampire

i really love the clothes. i mean theyre simple, and yet all seem to fit within the period that this comic is trying to go for

but if they get a roomba what are the house wives supposed to do

not sit at home cooking and cleaning all day?

also about the art, i really love the steampunk designs. you can definitely tell the steampunk inspiration in them, yet theyre really unique and not really like any steampunk ive seen before

and i can for sure appreciate uniqueness

mathtans

Yeah, that's true. And there was that neat detail of the corset being laced up the front, I wouldn't have thought of that.

Uniqueness is good. I wonder what the machine connection will end up being.

With the whole "maiden of the machine" thing there. (Won't be a roomba, after all.)

RebelVampire

ah thats a good point as well. i loved that detail about the maid being able to tell elizabeth didnt have a maid

mathtans

Maybe Elizabeth gets upgraded too.

RebelVampire

the comic was about the angel all along

and the angel's victory

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up our final Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Caitlin Like, as well, for making Maiden of the Machine. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Caitlin Like’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: https://maidenmachine.com/

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[survivorinternational]

Episode 6 - "Thank all gods, even the weird ones." - Stephen

Thank all gods, even the weird ones. I was not ready to go home pre-jury again. Although I’m still wondering if theres a hidden redemption island twist because most merges happen at 11 not 10. I also need to be careful of Clash. I trust him now, but he’s a strong player. I need to be able to have my own game apart from his, and be ready to vote his ass out when he starts getting too close to ftc.

Um so I have to vote one of my 3 closest allies which sucks but if I vote Allan that’s the best it won’t upset pat or randy and keep Stephen with me as well I hope I win this game I will IA 

Liana won immunity which sucks because she was the easy vote and puts me in a terrible position. So far Ginger and Emily/Vilma are possible votes

----------

Everyone's so cautious about saying names this tribal council, I definitely needed that immunity. If I don't hear anything from Liana/Ginger/Emily, I'm going to put Ginger's name out there and see where it gets me

----------

Looking quite bad here, Emily did tell me I should be safe, but just incase that was to mislead me, I attempted some very poor guilt trip/flattery. :(

i’m like pretty okay with going to tribal tbh because i trust the four in my alliance with me? like the only one i’m a bit weary about is ginger just bc she’s like a lil weird in general lol and she could turn on a dime :/ but i do think that if she did choose to turn on me, vilma, and michael, she wouldn’t choose me to vote out this round. she’d probably go for michael? but that’s only IF she chooses to flip. idk if she will. i have high hopes that this round will be pretty smooth. if i had it my way, we could vote tyler out now because i think he’s not as invested in this game as jacob. and it’s hard to play with people who are invested. if tyler or jacob don’t go this round, at least from our tribe, i’ll be very confused? also looking forward to merge! i’m worried but at the same time i’m content. like it’ll be a small merge which i love and i have pretty good relationships with a lot of the people left. so! that’s cute! i think i’m in a good position right now. well liked, in a somewhat powerful position, and under the radar for the most part. i haven’t really done much (or gone to many tribals for that matter) that have made me feel like a threat. yes, i was a leader on the saolatoga tribe and i was the one that brought up daniel’s name at first, but it was like an easily agreed upon decision. i don’t think people were too shaken or surprised by it. it’s something on my resume for me to see, not everyone else. and that’s exactly how i like it! i’ll read my list of doings at final tribal council. and i’ll wow the jury. but it won’t be obvious to them what i’m doing until they look at the game more objectively. i think that’s a good way to play. always on people’s minds, but not too much. positive opinion, involved in big decisions, but never the ring leader to the point where it’s dangerous. i think i’ve figured out a good balance! i’m hoping this takes me far. to the end!!!

----------

so there's a lot of stuff going on so im going to try to organize my thoughts. here we go. liana is immune, so that's hard on the rest of the tribe who... pretty much all wanted to vote her out but that's fine. honestly liana being immune is better for me than it is anyone else, so I am fine with it. it is making waves though, but they're fun waves. so the alliance of ginger, michael, vilma, and myself mentioned either tyler or jacob because they're the only options not in our alliance right now, but the thing is, ginger went CRAZY and was pushing for us to NOT VOTE TYLER WHATSOEVER! and they just kept pushing for jacob instead. I was very weary about this, but I didn't say anything at first until michael messages me saying that tyler is gunning for ME. and then vilma messages me saying that Michael told her this too, only he said that the reason tyler was gunning for me was because she and I were so close. SO! this means that tyler is aware of vilma and I being in an alliance. and ginger was probably the one to mention it to him. and then GINGER MADE A GROUP WITH VILMA AND TYLER SO THAT VILMA WOULD WANT TO PROTECT TYLER MORE. anyway, once this got out, michael and vilma and I made a group to talk about the vote and I think we're leaning towards ginger for the following reasons 1. way too protective over tyler for no reason. how the fuck are they so close? 2. tyler somehow knows about vilma and i's connection even though we've been extremely low key and I have never talked game with him 3. ginger is just actually crazy I think we can get liana and jacob on our side way easier than we could tyler. we're planning on telling liana and jacob about the vote, but leaving tyler and ginger in the dark. we just need to make sure none of this gets back to ginger like for real! they leak literally everything. I literally JUST messaged them saying that Tyler had thrown out my name and not even two minutes after I get a message from vilma saying that ginger had asked her about tyler throwing out my name. like ginger gets information and RUNS WITH IT. I truly cannot trust them. and it would create less waves to vote ginger out than it would anyone else on the tribe I think. like... after all the craziness that's going down, we need to send ginger home. I could kind of tell that ginger was a little weird, but I didn't expected them to be so cracked like genuinely cracked. lmao

Annoying Lyana HAD to win immunity, getting your lazy-social ass in multiple ORGs make u slay the physical game...and now I feel my ass is in danger! Im gonna do everything in order to stay here and Im already making plans. Not resting for a sec.

Sluggy voted out... saw that comming, him cheering on Stephen may have screwed us a bit At least its not Merge Double Tribal is gonna suck though. FreeRice is a great challenge, while im not 100% comfortable in my position atm but I am going to throw this challenge a little to reduce my threat a bit. Oh yay... the only one we didnt want to win immunity, and they win immunity, this is gonna make tribal fucked. I dont know what we are gonna do atm but i will to figure something out.

----------

Pre Double Elimination Tribal: I may have done it. It was messy bjt with the order of events, I may have been able to pull the strings to get Ginger voted out. Its going to have to keep Tyler in the dark but its going to have to be a risk we take. Ginger it too full on and too wild. He can't be trusted come merge 100%. Tyler i think we can work with a bit at least

Double tribal? No thank you. I’m hoping it’s allan that goes home, I never thought I’d say that. I’d really like to survive this tribal idk if I am though. I’m v nervous 

Uhhh so apparently we didn't merge and we have a double elimination round instead (Again???? I wonder if it's a redemption type thing this time). I couldn't compete in the immunity challenge due to a busy weekend irl so I'm vulnerable and really just hope I make it to merge. This round ended up being quite an emotional rollercoaster for me, here's a recap of some of my thoughts: 4:16 AM So ngl I would've wanted to go for Liana had she not won immunity She seems very sweet but I have chatted with her the least out of everyone She might've felt she was in danger Now I'm a bit lost and hope at least someone would tip me off if my name's thrown around 5:14 AM There's no way Ginger is voting Tyler out 8:26 AM Hmmm Jacob wanting to vote for Ginger I think Tyler I bet doesn't want that I'm trying to imagine whether I'd be willing to sacrifice Ginger or not if it came down to it I'd rather not I think Because he's been very open with me about his relationships and stuff So I feel I have a good read on him atm He still hasn't revealed he knows Clash though And I know he is capable of being messy Very good socially So I'm definitely scared of him But he is one of my closest bonds here atm so losing that would suck Of course if it comes down to me or him I have to go for it This really sucks because I like everyone on this tribe Jacob said he's closest to Emily and Tyler Tyler saying he wants to work with me and Ginger These relationships are so complex it's gonna be hard to find a common target And I don't even know what's my own preference I change it every three seconds 2:05 PM I tipped Michael off that Tyler and Ginger have become pretty close And he made a point that betraying that trust could cause us problems at merge Which I agree with So that leaves us Jacob I like Jacob a lot he is super nice but I agree he would probably be the 'least problematic' boot besides Liana As long as Emily is fine with it God I really just want to make merge and jury I've never not made them so my heart would break a little if I didn't Although my heart will break a little having to cast a vote for someone on this tribe tonight Everyone's so nice ugh 3:33 PM Um Okay so Michael told me Tyler is gunning for Em??? Apprently because her and I are close Soooo he wants to take a stab at me too? Not stunned by that That's not the best thing to hear right after establishing an alliance with someone Kinda feeling uneasy about Tyler and Ginger now People I am not voting for 100%: - Emily - Michael - Liana (she's immune lol) I feel Emily and Michael are being 100% with me So that makes me feel good about them 4:50 PM So looks like it'll be Ginger going That kinda sucks and kinda doesn't (mostly does) I'm partially okay with it because I've honestly been spooked by him since the very first day, he is very strong socially and he likes to be controversial sometimes which I like to stay away from as much as possible BUT That guy trusts me And he is genuinely very nice I like talking to him I'm gonna feel super super super dirty voting him out My heart will be filled with sorrow and I'm kinda scared of his anger afterwards He has been super honest with me so far But others are being put off by his aggressive playstyle Ughh it breaks my heart to lie to Ginger But I’m not gonna go out of my way to save him here I just don’t think that would be smart plus the numbers just wouldn’t be there Plus I feel more secure moving forward with Emily and Michael 0:04 AM I feel really really bad about this, haven't really been able to eat all day I understand why I took a six month break from orgs My mind is just not built for these I feel too bad about betraying people Plus I just think this move isn't quite ideal for me I'm betraying someone who trusts me so much and leaving out Tyler who also wanted to work with me, at least if I was alongside Ginger But I really just feel more comfortable staying with Emily and Michael I'm so sorry I'm a pussy and don't want to go out of my way to save an ally It's on me 0:57 AM I might have just messed up because I just talked to Liana assuming she had already heard about the plan but turns out NO ONE had talked to her about it yet... Two hours before tribal???? God if she lets Tyler or Ginger know I am going to be in massive trouble Also I don't think I can attend the tribal live I feel sick and disgusted at myself because of this vote, it's too much I hate myself Ginger I'm so sorry you were nothing but a good friend to me and I'm doing you so dirty I feel absolutely horrible having to lie to your face 

Did I already make a confessional about this? idk. I won immunity! yay! this is good on two ends: I cant get blindsided and; I can maintain a fiction with my Ala Mai boys that I would have been next to go most likely if I need to. Right now the target is Allen, because if we vote Randy out Pat will be miffed. My only issue with that is it gives Pat a lot of power, especially if its not an American who gets voted out from the other tribe. 

So that immunity didn’t go well. The one person we couldn’t have winning the challenge, won the challenge. Now the 4 are going to have to cannibalise ourselves and I definitely fear that eyes are on myself and Clash. Our only hope is to try and get Stephen on our side but I’m really not sure if we’ll be able to do that 

Arg hi. Just woke up and we’re gonna thrive today. That’s a lie I never actually thrive it’s a facade. Anywho we’re going to tribal cause of the double tribal twist hooray. Everyone was down to vote liana but oh no she won immunity. Right so I like ginger and Jacob but these rats are going after eachother. Everyone is extremely quiet I wouldn’t be surprised if it was me going. It looks like we don’t have enough votes to save Jacob idk, I just don’t want to be voted out ok bye

Nothing is cooking like im so bored Stephen own the individual immunity challenge so now the four of me pat clash and allan have to vote out im voting allan out, hope they do

[mybluebird321]

When you are sitting in the hospital you feel like there is still hope. Even after they told me the heartbeat was gone, I felt like they were wrong. There had to still be hope for my baby boy. That feeling is something i still feel today, and we buried him weeks ago. Ill just always wonder if i did enough for him. In the moment you feel like your choices are limited.  I had the option to get in my car and drive myself to the more advanced hospital in Orlando.

They wouldn't accept me by ambulance because i was only 22 weeks, and the age of viability is of course 24 weeks, but i could have. I didnt because i was afraid to go into labor in the car in the 45 minute drive to Orlando from our home in Titusville. I will always think about that, and wonder what would have happened if i did that. I recently had a friend tell me that the hospital could have done more, they just chose to save one of us, and it was me. I would have never let them save me if that was an option they presented me with.

Its weird how you can love something so unconditionally that you have never gotten the chance to meet yet. I knew my son though. I know he loved seafood, its all he ever wanted even though i had to limit my consumption while i was pregnant with him it didn't stop the tuna cravings. I also know that I could feel the joy coming from him when we were around his father. He loved his daddys voice so much. <3  

I am really hoping that by documenting everything i can think of it will help me always remember my time with Markus, even if it was only 22 weeks and 1 day i got to be with him. Every single day Kevin and I get stronger. We never imagined we would live through this, and to be honest every time i get up in the middle of the night Kevin wakes in a panic, and asks “are you alright”? I cant wait for that anxiety of it all to pass, and for my husband to know I am “okay”. I designed Markus’s gravestone the other day and I cant wait to see it. I used the picture of all of us together on it and I hope it will look good. I had a mini break down when i went to the grave site the other day and saw only dead flowers, and fresh sand. It almost made me lose my sanity for a good second, so I hope this will give me solace knowing he has his own mark on earth so years later everyone can still see that Markus Gary Young was here, even if just for a second.

I know i started getting my health back on track basically 2 weeks after i lost Markus, but it hasn't been as easy as i was hoping when i first started. Sometimes there are days when we really cant do anything except go to work and go home. But other days i am on fireeee with passion to do great things, and on those days i just really try to make the most out of life.

On those days, i dream BIG! It sounds silly but sometimes i want to be famous. I haven't quite figured out how, or for what. But most people these days don't. I am pretty sure that Danielle chick did not wake up the morning of doctor Phil and think “I am about to take over America, by saying “cash me outside bish”. haha it just kind of happened. I'm thinking my best chances are by doing something clumsy publicly, since that's what i am known for. Some kid will most definitely put me on YouTube.

On other days just focusing on my weight is all i can do to make the world a better place for my future babies. I got a new accountability buddy, and i’m hoping that we can keep each other on track. She too has lost a sleeping angel before. I never knew about it until way later, but there are a lot of people who simply just don't talk about child loss, so it doesn't surprise me that i found out years later.

Me and Grangie (Grandma Angela as kevin planned on calling his mother when Markus was born) have been doing Aqua Zumba as well, and it has truly been a blast. I have gotten a lot closer with Angela since all of this happened. I am very grateful for that, and i know that had markus got to meet them he would have loved both his grandmas sooo much. He truly made out in the grandma department, and he even would have gotten to meet his great grandma had he been able to spend a little more time on earth with us. I am partial to her though, because to me she will always be the #1 grandma in my eyes<3

Well i think that is enough of an update from Julialand. Its so great to vent and just write whatever i think about knowing that nobody will judge me because hardly anyone will ever read this. lol I am starting to think about a Vlog instead of writing everything out, but we will take it day by day to see where my creative side takes me.

[jaquespeaks]

White Peak

There is this very known metaphor about standing at the foot of a mountain that you need to climb, and being intimidated by the height. It’s to teach a person to not be afraid of the challenges of life if, indeed, what was waiting for them up at the peak is success. But at that great a height, do they teach you how to deal with it when you are faced with a ridge and the only option you have left is to go down?

This is the story of the day I seized the mountain side.

Our black Chrysler drove over the edges of the mountain road, like a squirrel swiftly running on the branches of an old pine. Driving through a twilight in the forest mountain side where neither sun nor moon left the theatrical stage of the skies. The stiff pine trees dancing across the stage as the stars hopped over each one in a dazzling display of veiled light. The fresh mountain air smelled oddly like dry and cold grass, well, perhaps because maybe that was what was on the ground. But it still had a fresh nutty smell to it.

I sat quietly at the back of the car, with the window rolled up to protect us from the coldness of the air outside, and I held teddy bear tightly and securely on my lap. I was afraid that the car might slip on some of the ice that spread across the road during those December days and would have fallen into the ridges that would quietly engulf our vehicle and to sing a song of grief into the wind of a family and torn trees.

But, I shrugged the fear away, if in fact it was a fear, and turned to my brother who was sitting with his mouth slightly agape. I sighed and looked around for something else to do to pester my brother, that was the job of a younger sister after all. After a short treasure hunt around the many bags at the back row, I had found nothing but a small bag of Doritos and giddily opened it and gently placed the bag on his lap and one pyramid shaped chip into his mouth.

He didn’t wake up.

Now that the plan was set, I thought, all that I had to do now was wait.

I looked back out of the window wondering where we were, despite just rolling through the same road, twisting and turning like a maze in the kingdom of wolves and deer.

Twilight turned into night and the car rolled silently into a sleepy village in the mountains, not surprisingly, with every house turned into a shop for foreigners and tourists. Log cabins occupied each block and the lamp post softly illuminated the roofs of these wooden houses, softly scattering the light onto the cold gravel mixed with ice and snow.

We continued to drive up to an inn, Days Inn specifically, and there, we stayed for the night.

The light burned through the night sky like a light eating away at a fabric tainted with a Sterling’s feathers.

The next morning, we found ourselves once again on the long winding road to a resort–a ski resort to be specific. There, where people glided across the pale white plains of the crook of the mountain’s neck and climbed back up on a bench, did they find themselves. I, of course, was intimidated. But would not let this mountain conquer me.

The first two hours of the beginner’s class was simple, and had the basics down for the twelve people, mostly adults with their children.

Needless to say, the first two hours seemed to turn out for the worst because of my failures. Whilst everyone was up and about, skiing along with each other, doing the simplest things as to go and to stop, to move forward and to walk, I could not do any of those.

I always fell. And fell front, back, and even toppled over to my side. Towards the end of the beginner’s class, I noticed how I still couldn’t do anything. I’d often laugh it off but the sting I felt as everyone giggled ever time I’d try to slide for more than a foot away from myself and still fell kept growing and growing.

There came a point where my downcast face met the snowy mattress and I did nothing–I didn’t stand, and I didn’t even try. I just laid there as motionless and as numb as my feet that were aching from the 12 pound ski boots gripping onto my shins tightly.

The crackling of ice and snow moving towards me caught my attention as I saw the instructor’s hand reach out to me ever so slightly, but this time it was not of genuine help, but of pity and embarrassment.

Oh, how I loathed it.

Definitely, nothing was better for anyone than to be giggled at, to be seen as weak and not being able to help herself without the help of the instructor.

My nose scrunched every time I heard someone giggle, whether or not it was because of my efforts.

My lifted up three prayers that afternoon, all in question, all asking for different things.

I first asked why, as I gripped on the cold metal stick in my black gloved hand, I was falling despite trying my best to follow my instructor.

I asked for correction.

Then I asked of what I was doing wrong, and asked the holy one above the clouds if I could be held together without falling at least once if I was even truly meant to be there.

I asked for balance.

And then my last prayer was a cry, a cry to end my suffering on that mountain top as the other eyes around me fixed their gaze upon my frail and seemingly useless legs. A cry, if anyone was really out there listening to me, I asked for strength to stand one more time despite the tears threatening to roll down her frosty and dry cheeks.

I prayed.

Hours had passed and neither my brother and I could take the stress of the unfamiliar landscape as well as the pressure on our legs from the boots. (I was wearing really thick jeans at that time. Bad idea.) I was reduced into a ball of whines, crying because the boots that I had on were way too tight, and way too painful. I had marks on my shins and feet..they hurt so much. I wanted to cry and just give up.

But the a gentle loving voice whispered to me.

“Don’t give up. You learned quite a bit and you did well.”

I thought to myself, “I’m horrible, I keep falling and I suck.”

The voice told me, “you can’t see it yet, but you will be great. I am with you.”

And if that small conversation didn’t feel ridiculous and holy enough, I wonder what is. I thought that I might turn into a prophet and turn this ski resort into a temple or a church of some sort.

Later on in the day after the first two hour lesson, we ate lunch..

It was two burgers for the entire family with some fries and a cup of mountain dew and coke..and some water..

I felt i wanted to die..

Later on I asked my dad when the next session was and he lifted his watch and turned to us before standing and said, “1:45. That’s now. Gear up, gear up!”

My brother and I groaned.

The session started and we started by going back up the hill to where we began as beginners, and I as–still someone who doesn’t know how to ski.

This instructor told us to show him what we can do on the snow.

We did something called the wedge.

It’s leaning forward downhill. While your legs are straight so that your body weight is being pushed on to the front so you can break and stop.

Needless to say, I sucked.

I was going to fast and I didn’t know and I didn’t trust myself enough.

I fell and crashed.

Then, an unfamiliar lady came towards us. Her name was Lorey.

She seemed old, but not too old.

She had snowy blonde hair with a hat over her head to keep those waves of frosted gold tucked under for warmth. Her voice was soft and gentle like Ellen Lee DeGeneres’ voice, but she was just as cheerful as a familiar blue fish from a children’s movie called Finding Nemo.

We started the next session by going up the “Magic Carpet” up to higher ground. It was a conveyor belt like you see in the air port for people. Except, we were standing there instead of baggage, in all of our skiing gear.

She then turned to us as enthusiastically as ever and asked, “You guys know what a wedge is now right?” and we nodded.

“Good,” she said, “but this session, we’re gonna work on how you stop, how you continue and how to turn. Well, The beginning of learning how to turn,” she cooed.

I smiled a little, finally someone who might not judge me for falling–

But then her kind and gentle expression knit into a glare. “And NO ONE FALLS IN MY CLASS.”

Then she smiled again. “Okay, let’s go!”

About an hour later into the lesson, I noticed that I could move, stop and control myself properly. Almost how a real skier could move. It was almost as if some odd unnatural force made me become more skillful and controlled at my movements.

“This feels amazing!” I thought to myself.

Maybe all the thousand times I fell on my side, butt, knees finally paid off.

I was gliding down the mountain, feeling the breeze against my cheek.

And my lust for speed gradually grew.

I’m just like that.

But then i heard that voice in my head again. “Slow down,” it told me, “I cant hold you if you keep going your way and your speed.”

But I said no.

I wanted the speed.

I wanted the power.

I wanted to feel like i didnt need any help from anyone————

PPPPHHHHFFFF

I fell back onto the snow.

Surpised.

Shocked.

But then I started giggling and smiling at the clear blue sky that stared back at my light maple eyes. “Okay Papa,” I giggled, “s-sorry~..”

I got up painfully struggling to get onto the ski again and continued to ride the chair going up to higher ground to ski again and again.

Snake tracks were left in the snow as I glided down  just as a real skier would, proud and content that I had God holding me in place.

It almost felt like it was just Papa and I on that hill. Ms. Lorey’s voice echoing to me as Papa’s gentle voice.

And now it was to no surprise that I did so well.

Except if I became too over confident and tried to do sharp turns.

Sadly, toward the end of the session, I began to forget everything I think I had learned in class. I began to fall again, one after another, but it was because of two things.

I’m getting really tired and I need to rest, or it was as if all of a sudden, Papa’s voice started fading and drifting away, as if I was loosing signal with him.

But that’s okay, because that was one hell of a day.

And, there is this very known metaphor about standing at the foot of a mountain that you need to climb, and being intimidated by the height. It’s to teach a person to not be afraid of the challenges of life if, indeed, what was waiting for them up at the peak is success. But at that great a height, do they teach you how to deal with it when you are faced with a ridge and the only option you have left is to go down?

This was the story of how I seized the mountain side.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this weekend was actually okay and something i needed. on saturday i spoke to my landlord who was very aggressive about our deal and it gave me alot f anxiety. i attempted to share this with.. well.. anyone, and it was really isolating. the day before i had spent just a few hours with him and another friend and i felt isolated. saturday evening he decided he wanted to hang out and was really, really excited to share that he had found a cottage he could use this summer. neither me nor my friend was that enthused. both of us have lives that dont reallt include cottages and who knows if he will still be our friend by then. honestly. and he presented this with such excitement, like it would be good news for me. like i would care. like i was supposed to care. i think in a way both my friend and i thought good news wouldve been him wanting to move out of his mothers house. like he had a change of heart and realized what was actually for the best. he stuck on the cottage, repeatedly asking me over the next day or so if i was excited. he said i could go fishing. if i dont, does he bring someone else? but having him in a good mood was much better than usual and made him much more affectionate and nice, which is what i needed to overcome some of my anxiety. not all anxiety can truly be solved on its own. he kept touching me and held my hand and was overall just really nice. it made me comfortable enough to share my landlord situation and surprisingly he had a similar reaction to my own - they had been nice before, they set out the rules im following, theyre just angry they arent getting anything right now by definition of their own rules. he told me it was okay and i didnt need to worry about it because they had resolved to threats and aggression when i never once acted inappropriately. i felt alot better hearing that. weve been very careful not to comment on each others choices but still offer passive opinions. he doesnt like me living with anyone and hes negative about all of my options. but he doesnt tell me outright what to do / what im doing wrong in his eyes. but it felt better to feel justified in my belief that i wasnt crazy for thinking that i was in fact following their rules and procedures. a bit later on he mentioned that i should try for my native status and to me its a very sketchy subject based on almost 100 years of people with a very flimsy story which i imagine is mostly true but there could be serious false parts. thats why i just accept the ancestry my father believed in but dont indulge in it. but its gratifying to hear a random opinion which someone came to on their own regarding my ancestry and their belief in my belief. but he added that i should seek out an aboriginal center that could help me through the process and they should be more than willing to help because ive experienced so much abusive trauma. i felt a bit thrown back by this observation and didnt really reply. i mean, im not insulted or offended. im more genuinely surprised that within his own thoughts he believed i had abusive trauma and he wanted a way for me to cope easier in life. and it wasnt just oh u had trauma, it was 'so much abusive trauma' - very specific, indicating belief that not onlt had i experienced trauma on its own but that it had been willfully inflicted on me in my past. i believe in a way this also refers to the fact i told him what has been unsaid between us but most obvious in our last fight. he is a contributing factor on a semi regular basis to my anxieties and depression because he chooses to be as close as he is in the type of 'relationship' we have but does things like randomly break up or blame things on me. but its up and down, putting me through a cycle and my trust and patience, as thin as it was to begin with, is hanging on by a thread. i do believe he could leave at any moment without deep thought into how it would affect me. and he tries to remain naive or ignorant to the damage he caused; he asks me if i know where random things are or why i havent taken care of our herb garden and i remind him that im not here and im not welcome to do these things or know these things. he pushed me away for almost two weeks and expected things to be exactly as they were like i had left yesterday. i believe, like my ex, my trauma is too large for him. like, its a hard thing to completely encapsulate and see on a single level at once. and its complex emotional abuse - whether purposeful or not by people that may or may not have had control over the situation. i have felt like an observer since i was a baby. like im just watching crazy shit go down over and over again without a real period of content in between it all. in the afternoon, i felt a bit better. i didnt need sympathy or a shoulder to cry on necessarily, but when you feel very isolated, having your existence acknowledged is good. someone knows. they thought about it. i didnt implant it or bring it up. i roller skated for a bit - im sure its like literally 5-10 minutes of skating at a time but to me its kind of amazing im outside on rollerskates at all. and i think its kind of unbelievable to others as well - not that im too lazy, just that ive made an active choice to emerge from things at the best of mt abilities. later i began looking for jobs and apartments, repeating the same routine of the last few weeks but grateful to be in comfort doing it instead of at the library. i began narrowing down my search - i know, i know, i should take all the jobs. any job. put myself on a production line, hand bomb boxes, cut up chicken - but i cant. i cant do it at this point in my psyche. i cannot physically or mentally bare the process of living that way. its incomprehensible to me - im not above it. im not stubborn. im not lazy. but when you barely have the desire to get out of bed and feed yourself and bathe, to create the desire from nothing to go to a factory and pack boxes for eight hours of the day is so much time alone with my mind. its not distracting or challenging enough and ive see. these terrible jobs make normal people depressed so to me it seems like a death sentence. so i began to narrow it down - its been a long journey, acrually. it started months ago when i sat down and sincerely though about the very few things i could believe or want in my life thriugh all the fog and trauma and stress. it was very basic - im kind of a simple person. or maybe im simple among my turmoil. i like animals - but they also can trigger alot of anxiety and emotions that i dont want to deal with on a regular basis on top of having employment to maintain. i like cooking and baking; but all job environments with this are very high stress fast paced places and i am a sloth. not lazy, again, but currently moving at a pace that is the best of my abilities. i like computers but my skills are from 2008 and i dont have the patience or attention span to upgrade them right now. i like, in some ways, cleaning but i dont think its something id want to do everyday of my life. i like caring for the elderly, but again, its a complex job with alot of mental stress. so for the past month or so ive settled on essentially something in horticulture. i like growing things. it brings me a little joy on the inside. i like herb gardens and flowers, i like being outside, i like learning about plants. i began looking for a job in a garden center but they were few and far between and i began to realize that it was still mainly retail. so i applied to landscaping - i could cut grass and weed gardens but its male dominated industry and i dont think my few years of experience doing well, nothing, makes me a their first choice. plus its back breaking and the weather conditions can be terrible. so i looked for jobs as a florist or in a flower shop or maybe just the flower department in a grocery store. it seemed relatively low stress, not incredibly fast paced but something that was always in demand and flowers and maintaining flowers is great. but i began to learn that it required experience, as most jobs do, but as i thought about it i realized perhaps i could be a floral designer. it sounds really.. meh. like a super unimportant job with no real purpose and may e thats okay. it has alot of options; floral shops, weddings, funerals - its an oddly versatile thing that also allows for creativity and an experience of art and a little bit of science. its not complex, but it could be. and it allows for expansion - i could run my own flower shop. its not the most useful trade but its something thats always useable. i hesistantly looked into schooling. it seemed like a random course you took once and they gave you a paper. but a neaeby college has an entire 2 semester course that includes fundamentals of color and design and business plus floral design and other similae things. i say near but its a 2 hr bus ride away. however, its only on saturdays. one day a week for eight months. for curiousitys sake i looked into student loans. my last experience was uncomfortable. despite my best efforts, including calling multiole financial aid offices and sending paper work, i was still messed around and had no idea what to do to fix it. in rhe end i was told it was unlikely student loans would cover my choice; it was an online course in criminal psychology. i felt defeated and turned away from it but looking back now it was a poor attempt to alleviate pressures. so i was weary that osap would cover this course. apparantly school was sketchier than i thiught and the websites were utterly confusing and just asking for money up front. but i continued on, certain that it must work - everyone else manages it. i found the loan calculator and inputted the data. it would be the bare minimum course load thst would count towards getting a loan. it seemed impossible, a course that only happened saturdays that would be covered by a loan. but it recognized the course and calculated based on my assistance i get now, which i know is possible and i know assistance encourages you to do so. it came back as covering my books as well as 9000$+ for living & travelling expenses for the eight months. right now, assistance would allow me a little over 5000$ provided i dont get a job. and thats for living and eating, 300$ a month for rent, 300$ for basic living. at 9000$ i could afford 500-600$ in rent, possibly more if i really wanted to stretch it more so as a loan, when i work, my money isnt deducted. so my shelter costs are covered and at an even higher amount of rent for 700$, i have 300$ still to live on. if i wanted to live alone, that is. having 500-600$ to offer in a roommate situation or towards anything in my future is better than the 300-400$ im looking at now. so i think i want to do this. im going to ask assistance to cover the application fee and im rly hoping i have the one pre requisite course they ask for. it doesnt solve anything right now at all. this is long term think over the next 6-8 months, whicb honestly is scary. im scared by planning so far ahead for myself. and its hard because what if what if what if. but i think its the right thing to do. i dont know if it is. was i ever going to be a famous chef or doctor or office person? probably not. im lucky to exist as i am now. its a reachable goal just outside of my comfortzone and despite the meager amount it seems like theyre giving me, its more than i have had for almost a year now. i believe im ready to handle this, which is funny because its thrown on 18 yr olds eith no life experience but it doesnt matter. a friend has been sort of wanting to be my roommate. its hard to trust her though. and its a really sketchy situation to enter into but financially it would make sense and it would allow me to keep a majority of my comforts. she said she drove around and looked for apartments yesterday and called a few, which is more than ive done. she did show me a few but they were just out of my price range and i wonder if i just wont have enough money to even have a roommate. i also havent had any calls or opportunties for jobs or cash and half of it is my fault. today i could go to contract testing andearn 20$. but ill spend 4$ to get there. i wanted to make it a trip and go to the assistance office too and submit paper work for my application but my desire is not there and im frustrated st myself because i was given a fine weekend. and i need the money; im nearlt short of first & last for 400$ worth of rent, which means i cant even look at 500$ places. i can, however, afford 450$ which is not so bad and i guess i could borrow 100$ from someone if it came down to it, considering my efforts. so 20$ today would sort of go towards living expenses right now and i guess i just.. dont care. i also have to call hydro because i have a past due notice im hoping doesnr translate to final notice? im past due on mt past due and even making the phone call seems daunting. my mornings have become battlefields, mental acrobats of havinf set a plan - even a simple task and fighting myself for several hours about doing it or why or for what purpose. i commend myself, sadly, on the three consecutive days at the library last week. thats actually unheard of in my world, getting up, getting ready and goinf out at almost the same time for three days in a row. then it was the weekend. and now im here. and the weeke d didnt bother me. it didnt cause this, or maybe it did but it doesnt feel like it. im glad to have spent time with him in such a positive way but i guess i have a looming feeling of "well tomorrow i know i wont see him" and ill work out my day alone and eat alone and sleep alone and have all this time because i barely have wifi and no cable and no tv and no movies. its not his fault though. its mt fault. he doesnt have to share his time eith me because i couldnt manage to have wifi. or that i sold my tv. it would be best for me to do the things i planned today. i also havent began cleaning or packing any of my things. i could use boxes. but i kind of want to sleep; i didnt sleep well last night and felt ljke i was up most of the night, having slept alone, and being woken up pretty uncemermoniously at 630am. he explained he was up until 3am working on his project and managed some niceties but dropped me a block from my apt for no real reason. i do scorn myself for not taking initative. these tasks are really fucking simple and crucial to my well being but ill comfort myself with "well, its only this time of day, i can still do this and this later" and its such a poor cop out. i could do it now. the two hours ive been sitting here, couldve done it. but i didnt and i honestlt probably wont and that really makes me such a bucket. its hard feeling down about your depression. but i guess unfortunately im going to start this day again in a few hours and im sure ill be much better off.. or atleast well enough to move from my bed.