#like help my mom and i move out
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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kid randle
plus baby steve
#steve randle#the outsiders#the outsiders fanart#my art#steve the outsiders#sodapop curtis#steve is an affair baby his mom is out of the picture cuz she cheated on his dad.#he hasnt seen her since he was 4 .#also firm believer that when steve was little he knew dally back in new york#and one day little kid dally rung steve up n was like#“STEEEVEEE I KILELD SOMEONE HELP”#anyway they moved to tulsa together
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it doesn't really make sense in the logic (lol) of the show but part of me loves the idea that edd is being raised by his grandparents.... kids who are raised by grandparents tend to be overly mature and a little uhhhhh off-beat. i feel like it could explain a lot.
#before you ask yes this is me projecting#i know some folks hc his parents as being a bit long in the tooth which i like too#but idk i just think it would explain so many things about edd to learn that he was in fact raised by senior citizens#and shit i still call my grandma 'mom' so to me its not weird at all that he'd call his grandparents 'mother and father'#everything else about them stays the same though#theyre still aloof and neglectful#and i still think the worst of them#anyway i love projecting my trauma onto edd specifically for some reason#he's such an easy target for angst i can't help it#oh and speaking of angst#for anyone who saw that post a while back and is interested in an update on my whole bastard landlord/roommate kicking me out situation:#i found a room and will be moving in 2 weeks 🥴 kill all landlords etc etc but hey at least i'll have my own bathroom#and won't be living with the final boss of millennials/reddit incarnate#unfortunately for you guys though that means i should be able to indulge in my tomfoolery again soon (shit posting and shit drawing)#even though it seems like our tiny fandom has gotten even smaller recently#alright i'll shut up now biiiiii#text
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Character reference sheets and two frames from the animatic! :3
#work in progress#sketches#my art#a#qsmp chayanne#missasinfonia#qsmp#have drawn this kind of sketchy bits for like... maybe three scenes so far? like most of the frames for three scenes I mean#there's at least 20 scenes with their own moving bits and stuff so that'll be fun#but this is a nice start! and I really like the song and I like looking at my sillies so it's nice to draw too :)#started going crazy a bit after like two hours of drawing so I'm stopping for now and will continue next week again. Hopefully get another-#-- scene properly sketched out then#In other news I completed a small section (like less than a quarter of a page long) of my thesis and oh the feeling of accomplishment!!#it was a daunting part because I didn't know how to write it out but I did it!! Finally!!#and also had some trouble with translating my thoughts to english so I asked my mom for help and we brainstormed it :D#she's a great help with language stuff; both bc she's like generally good at english and also she's not dyslexic like me so that helps :D
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hey everyone, i won’t be as active for a while. got home last night super late after being on the road for 20 some odd hours. dealing with some family things and as an older sister, my priority of taking care of my siblings comes first before anything else. being on here is amazing for me but i don’t think i’ll have much time for it. reminder to please treat those in your life who are battling addiction with patience and care. i lost my older brother (sweetest person i’ve ever known and he remained that way up until his last night) to suicide and alcoholism, trauma and ptsd, depression and his feelings of hopelessness. talk with the people you care about. another of my siblings is dealing with the same and i refuse to let it escalate to such a terrifying end twice in less than a fucking year. remind the people you care about that there are beautiful things to live for. show them kindness and love. there is all kinds of misinformation out there but know this, you can make a difference for someone. don’t let them suffer in silence.
#if you have me on snap then you saw the super gorgeous views and such on my way to idaho but what you did not see was me picking#up my little sister. propping her body up with pillows in a hotel room to make sure she didn’t aspirate on her own vomit in her sleep.#pouring out her water bottle of white claw and talking to her about drug use.#i never make her feel as though she has disappointed me or that she should feel ashamed. shame helps nothing. love helps everything.#i’m going to get her back into treatment soon- i just need her to know she has a home when she’s out. detoxing here first and being#positively reinforced for every single step of the process is so fucking important. it was terrifying to learn that if i had not gone to ge#her when i did that she probably would have died there in the next few weeks.#my fear of death for her is not what guides me though and there’s a huge difference between that and doing something out of love. being#there in dire moments is important yes- but being there through the mundanity of recovery is JUST as vital. it’s a process and it’s hard.#she’s moving in with me for awhile so i can help her through this sensitive time in her recovery.#she’s trying so hard and being recognized for that has literally been making her sob. knowing she has people who truly care for her is#everything. now that my stepdad is away from her like across the country i can actually finally help her. she’s starting to understand and#without me saying anything- she is starting to see what he’s done to her and our family. she needs love and support and stability. she need#reasons to live. sorry im kinda rambling a lot in these tags but i just… i can’t lose another one. the love i carry for my siblings is#unlike any other. i’ve treated them like my children since i was a child and those are my own issues but our mother is gone now too so it i#up to me.#losing my brother last september and my mom the year before that- grief has just been back to back.#in the hotel room i couldn’t sleep. she fell asleep so quickly and all i could do was watch her and think about all of the things i want to#do to make her feel like her life has value and worth enough to stay here and not go. my little sister is forever four years old in my mind#yes she’s an adult of 23 but she is a baby to me. she’s so young and she has so much ahead of her. she deserves a happy and fulfilled life.#our lives have been… very hard. 4 out of 5 of us are still standing and i plan on keeping it that way.#this is not the pain olympics or whatever but listen- if i put an adult in any of the situations we were in as children they would not#survive. we only did because there was no other choice. now there are escapes and we are old enough to try them all- every single one of us#has searched for some escape. it spirals and escalates and it doesn’t help but it is an escape. giving her love and affection and getting#her the help she needs and doing it the RIGHT way- it lessens the need for escape. there is nothing wrong with being an addict.#addiction ends one of two ways. life or death. unfortunately there is no in between. she’s going to feel everything- bad and good. i want#her to know there is so much good. that she is good. every move i make right now matters so i don’t think i’ll have time for tumblr or#much socializing.#just a heads up yk. thank you for your patience in advance <3
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They should invent a way to call the boarders about my cats that wouldn't involve irritating a real live person who has a job to do that is not telling me my cats are ok.
#Ive only called once and only after Cardio should have been out of surgery#which i think shows immense self restraint on my part#Things have gone down hill quick irl and i just need my kitties to be ok#2 and 3 were supposed to go under anesthesia yesterday but someone fucked up and left food and water in their kennel over night#so their procedures have been moved to tomorrow.#which. im glad it was delayed given the chances of aspiration.#but given the general stress level rn i would have Loved it if this could have been dealt with already#the threat of them not handling anesthesia well continues to loom#the car thing set off a powder keg of issues with my dad my mom had been managing before she left him for being a powder keg of issues#so good news is he's getting help finally. bad news is its a whether he likes it or not situation.
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Hey, I know it has been (checks blank wrist) nearly two years, and while you and I both know this account is probably completely dead, I need some monetary help while I have your attention. My car died a month ago and I'm going to have to get a new one. I just barely have enough for it, but that'll leave me with no money for other living expenses. I'm trying to save up to move across the country to live with my bf, and having to spend nearly 550 a month for car financing and insurance is going to kill my funds. I work minimum wage at a convenience store, and am going to be moving with my family and will be out of a job for a bit. I want to make sure I have enough to keep making payments during the unemployment period. But, you'll get something in return for your support!
I'm doing art commissions (for those who have seen my art on here, I've improved quite a lot!), starting at a base rate of $5, up to $30 (minus add ons). The information for it is here . Any interaction with it is appreciated.
Thank you for your time, and thanks for supporting this silly project. Maybe I'll kick it back up if enough people want me to!
#blu speaks#not benrey#i hate to advertise but im really struggling here#im also working on trying to get top surgery which will put me out of work for longer#im trying to get a second job so i can ramp up the saving but we all know how the job market is#i also work in an area where 80% of the jobs are retail/customer service based and given im disabled working another one of those#will kill me#im already suffering pretty badly at this one and its honestly a breeze given my manager is my aunt. its still horrendous though#im hoping ill get a better job once we all move towards the coast but im still pretty worried. i dont have a lot of help#(my aunt and uncle are also having money issues)#(and my mom is kind of shit lol)#so im kinda on my own with this#i dont mean to like. guilt anyone into helping just explaining the situation#im freshly 21 and disabled genuinely ANYTHING helps
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My dad won’t leave me the hell alone . I know that he’s prone to paranoid delusions but it was a lot easier to deal with when it was something like being convinced he’s a demon sent from hell. How am I supposed to convince a man his bitch ex wife and his bitch daughters aren’t plotting to ‘split his family up’ as he puts it. He is so convinced there’s no arguing. And if I refuse to argue he will yell more and tell me how I have no argument because I know he’s right. I know I shouldn’t react to that but it makes my blood boil 😐
#and this is a guy who will kill himself if I move out. or at least try to for attention so I’ll come back. this sucks right#and he’s so convinced about this that he is half convincing me that I’m actually a horrible spoiled person and I shouldn’t be complaining.#like. I know I do a lot of that on here but I usually don’t say anything. I should be thankful there’s a roof over my head#but sometimes like now it’s just too much not to say anything.#also I feel bad for everyone who keeps up with this stuff and comments and stuff. I take your advice into consideration it’s just hard#to actually do it. everyone in my life including my mom and therapist all say the same thing: stop helping them all esp my dad and#just take care of myself. it’s just hard. I feel so guilty
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anyone else out here a middle child saddled with eldest daughter responsibilities?
#a bumper sticker that says 'middle-child neglect and eldest-child duties'#i want to believe it started when my older sister moved out but. lets be real. it's always been me.#i am genuinely acting care-giver to my chronically ill younger sister while my dad watches basketball on the couch#and my mom doesnt get out of bed.#like. my mom is pretty sick too and works all day and does most of the housekeeping too#so i dont blame her at all.#i mean i guess my dad works all day but. for real king you can't get up off the couch to support your daughter crying and heaving#no that falls to me. yeah yeah I'll get her a drink and make sure she takes her meds.#what's that? yeah I'll rub her back and run a cloth under the sink and bring her something to eat too.#oh? yes fine I wont take a gummy so i wont sleep because she's in a flare up and needs them more than me#to be clear!! I'm not blaming her either like clearly she feels like shit and she feels guilty all the time#i just. some amount of help from anyone else. or at least maybe. idk A DAY I can rest when i feel like shit#but oh- no- she's coughing up bile again. yep I'll come bring a bucket.
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My sister leaving me for days to take care of all the pets when she said she'd be around to help me clean and pack is 😑😑😑 like girl is this fr the note you're gonna let me leave on??
#zipmode talks#'i was gonna come back tonight but i wanna drink more 😞' girl i am moving two states away on friday!!!!#and you said youd help me!!!! you can hang out with your friends literally any other time besides the time i need you most girlll >_>#my mom has also been procrastinating a lottttt i need to buy a bigger suitcase and shes wanted to do it with me but she also just.#hasnt been around. as always.#i need to text her and be like heyy what luggage store were you looking at cause ill just go by myself if i have to
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2 hour rough drawing of Ehuang, my precious Green Opal child who I don’t draw nearly enough <3
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#original character#ehuang beifong#<— finally. a new OC with a proper tag#tbh it is much easier to tag characters who have last names#and we’ve never discussed it but I do think Ehuang carries the Beifong last name. whether or not she uses it is a different matter#I feel like she’s a Beifong officially she never puts much emphasis on it. she prefers the other side of her family anyway#okay moving on from that#next gens for next gens. quite a deep niche in reaching here#but I don’t care. I love Ehuang as a representation of everything good and pure in the world too much to object to her existence#baby girl. sweet girl#and yeah I’ve drawn her with Midori Opal and Suiren before so I thought I’d try something else#and while Kuvira isn’t actually shown here. just know that she’s absolutely tearing up off screen#you can pull the idea of Kuvira absolutely adoring her little niece out of my cold dead hands#wait omg I never posted my earlier art of Ehuang on here have I#okay once I’m done with my current projects I’ll refine and post those#the world deserves to see more of Ehuang#I feel like this particular scenario also hits some spot in Kuvira bc she knows who Ehuang’s bio dad is#and Ehuang looks just enough like him. despite being very similar to Midori. that imagining her with a beauty mark under her eye…#it brings Certain Ideas to mind. very fleeting and eliciting a ‘imagine that. I love this girl to bits but I’m sure glad I’m not her mom’#kind of response. but overall no one really lingers on that fact. I feel. her parents are Midori and Opal#Bataar’s just the donor. no one calls him her bio dad. he doesn’t see her as his daughter. probs Suyin is the only one who puts up a fuss#like not letting up about Ehuang being his kid even though he’s told her countless times that his involvement is irrelevant#he doesn’t wish to be ehuang’s dad. that wasn’t why he helped create her.#he did so because he loves his sister and SIL. because he knew they wanted a baby. not because he wanted a child himself#he’s quite content being her uncle thank you very much. and idk why I just went on this ramble lmao#maybe I should try to write something Ehuang related. explore all these relationships and whatever. we’ll see
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.
#i know theyre just stupid entitled and arrogant assholes#who think they know me and anything abt my life but#i still get so angry bc ppl constantly judge me for everything#which is why i developed avpd in the first place lmao#but how can they say that im not even trying#i do. i exercise i journal i meditate. i beg for therapy (its almost been a year and still nothing lol)#i try. but avpd esp untreated avpd is actually a disability#ppl dont understand but avpd makes u passive and unable to do anything#even if my fav artist releases an album i procrastinate listening to it for weeks sometimes#ppl dont get avpd at all#i am a prisoner in my own mind and there is NOTHING i can do#i am in severe mental agony and pain bc of it#im scared bc im useless and worthless and cant take care of myself#but my mom's leaving me and im terrified of ending up homeless bc im not a survivor#im a loser pos nothing who is incapable of doing anything by myself#plus like yeah... my mom cant do any of this anymore and is close to breaking down#so im scared she'll just move and let me become homeless bc she feels so desperate and suffocated (not just by me)#i HAVE to get my shit together#i HAVE to do my assignments and pass my classes#and apply for university and student housing#and i HAVE to do this this year#it is so so so soon and im freaking out#im 25 and dont know how to be an adult#but im gonna be forced into that soon or i'll be homeless so im terrified#god... i hate everyone and i hate society bc in this world#you are all on your own#there is NO compassion or empathy or help#you gotta make it on your own otherwise you will die#and making it on your own with any kind of mental or physical disability or disorder or illness is so so so much harder#and ppl dont see or acknowledge that they just beat u down for not being 'strong'
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Okay probably won't be on till later this evening. I got some (bs) to deal with at "home" (If we can even call it that.)
I. Am. Having. A. Terrible. Time. /srs :D
#Once again my food is being thrown out because I wasn't here for ONE fucking night... not allowed to have shit in this place apparently.#Also fucking threw out the cat food I JUST FUCKING BOUGHT!? bitch I have 80cents in my bank I can't get more-#apparently just bought means 'its going bad' she said 'ONE didn't look right'#like bitch wtf do you MEAN!? I'm just UGGHHH I'm just---#almost down to one month... one month I gotta deal with her stupid fuckin ass- one more month...#THIS is EXCTLY why I'm waiting to tell her I'm moving at the last min because you know she will start donating/selling my shit if I tell he#I'm moving. <- wouldn't be the fucking first time. I learned my lesson#some mom huh? LMAO#tw: vent#vent.tw#Anyways going offline for a bit to deal with shit and try to ask fam for some help with at least cat food. I can get by I worry about my#fruityfloofs </3#talk to ya'll later once I figured stuff out and once I'm c a l m
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my brother can make me laugh without moving at all. he can make me laugh on command, just by existing, and there is no physical tell or indication that it is about to happen. it’s like he can will me to laugh and i will. of course we’re not telepathic, but we do speak in unison sometimes. we improvise like no one’s business. we could fool anyone into believing we are psychically linked. when i try to explain it, i sound silly saying it out loud, but i really CAN tell what he’s thinking. we exchange so much information just with a look. he can make me cry laughing and he doesn’t even have to move
#i miss him so much i need him back i need him to live next to me again. i need to mooch off his wifi from my porch and invite him over#i miss him so much.#he’s only 2 minutes younger but he feels years younger. and yet i think we’re two halves of one soul#i’ve always babied him not even in a mean or diminishing way but i felt this need to protect him#because he tends to be so naive and so shy#but. i am so proud of him. i need to show him off to everyone and i need everyone to understand how funny and charming he is#it feels like i grew up and left him where he will remain 11 forever. i miss him more than moving back home can fix#i miss him in ways that have nothing to do with the distance between our locations#but. it would certainly help to be able to see him every day#i keep smelling the carpet in his room and it’s so vivid. i remember the countless hours we spent developing huge wood block cities#and we would drive hot wheels over the wooden raceways we had made. we were actually quite coordinated and autistic about it#we were always building things together#just recently me and him talked on the phone about an old mlp au we came up with. all original characters and shit#it was super extensive and very clever#i STILL think it would make a really cool book series or something#i remember watching him play army men RTS gamecube on the wii. i STILL listen to the soundtrack to that game like…. daily#i remember walking into my room once where he was watching a show. and he was crying#and he NEVER cries over tv#but he was crying because his favorite character had resigned from the organization that the series was based around#and he was so distraught that she was leaving.#i remember when all 3 of us slept in one room. i remember when me and him were in bunk beds across the room#and we would sneak out of bed right as the parents left and stayed up playing by the light of the nightlight#the way we raced back into bed when the parents were approaching 😭#my mom always says she’s sad that i seem to remember so little of my life. like every story of my youth is news to me lmao#but i feel like i remember the most important parts? i think so#i remember how mom woke me up in the night to ask me to roll over because my bro could see my face from where he was sleeping#and he was scared because there was a weird shadow cast on my face that made it look like a skull which was making it hard for him to sleep#it was. so funny. i begrudgingly rolled over#i don’t know. it’s just that there isn’t a single instance i bring up that my brother does not also remember.#no matter how tiny or specific. we shared everything growing up
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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hi hello does anyone have advice on moving as a real life actual adult?
#i’ve only moved in traumatic situations before i was 15 and from a dorm to an apartment with help from my mom#i’m hiring people to drive my shit and move it out and in o places but like#boxes???#how do i acquire those esp. without a car#i might just ask my friend#to take me somewhere for those
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