#like he would toch my hand and i would think to myself

[icarusinterlude]

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[i-am-a-bad-influence-writes]

To Love or To Lose

Sebastian Stan masterlist - Full masterlist

Summary: Antony convinced Sebastion to take a small vacation to Europe with him. In a mixup of sorts, they end up at the small town bar you work at. There’s a spark between you and Sebastian but they’re only there for a few days before they have to leave again. You’ll be damned if you let Sebastian go that easily.

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Fem!Reader

Word count: 3145

Author’s note: Hi, I wrote this very, very quickly at 1am because this was in my dream last night and I couldn’t get rid of it in my head. Yes, this is fully just a story I thought up for myself to insert myself in. I am Dutch. 

‘We’re lost.’ ‘We’re not lost.’ ‘Just admit we’re lost.’ ‘We’re not lost.’ ‘We can just use our phone-’ ‘We’re not lost!’ Sebastian sighs and looks around while Antony tries to figure out the cyclist map they bought in town. He’s sure they’ve cycled for miles but they must’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere. Now they’re in the Dutch countryside, surrounded by fields and farms. ‘Oh, look at this.’ Antony pulls Sebastian’s attention back to the map. He points at a street sign and then to the street as indicated on the map. ‘There’s a town just a little bit away from here.’ ‘Good, let’s go.’ Sebastian hops on his bike faster than Mackie can fold the map and is almost down the street when Antony joins him. They are surprised by the fact that there is a huge intersection just around the corner. ‘I guess you were right,’ Sebastian admits. Mackie just laughs and presses the button for the traffic lights. They cycle down the street to a roundabout and decide to take the first exit even though it seems less busy. ‘We could have a drink,’ Sebastian points out when they pass a small, roadside café. ‘We’ll have a drink at the next one,’ Antony says, still a bit sour that they’re not where they’re supposed to be yet. And no more than half a mile later they spot the next café. ‘Fine,’ Antony sighs. They cross the street and set their bike’s in their respective places in front of the bar. ‘Must be a bunch of alcoholics in this town if they have two bars in the same street,’ Mackie jokes, knowing that half of the people won’t understand him if they aren’t paying attention.

The terrace is quite full but there’s space. They walk up to a small standing table that has a sign on it. Neither of them can read it but they suppose it means something like “Wait here for service.” They see a tall, lanky man with a beard and messy hair walk around the terrace, delivering drinks to the patrons. He makes eye contact with the two and nods at them to let them know he’s coming. ‘Ik kom zo bij jullie.’ A girl rushes past so fast that Sebastian barely gets the chance to look at her. She carries a tray full of tap beer to a table across the terrace with such ease that it looks like second nature to her. Antony nudges him. ‘What do you think she said?’ ‘Probably something about coming over here to help us?’ ‘Yeah, sure.’ Together, they watch the girl as she stands by a table with rowdy men giving her lusting looks and strange smiles. They’re quite obviously very drunk. Sebastian takes a second to take her in as she stands with her back towards them. She has her hair in a kind of half-up, half-down style and wears a copper wrap dress with white specks on it. From the side, Sebastian can see a tattoo peek out from under her dress. She wears white tennis shoes with creme-colored ruffled socks poking out of them. When she turns around with a smile on her face he can see her red lips and blushy cheeks. She walks incredibly fast for someone her height, though she is a bit taller than the average American woman she still looks quite short compared to other people around. ‘Wat kan ik voor jullie betekenen?’ She speaks in Dutch and then she does a double-take. There’s recognition in her eyes as she speaks again: ‘Oh, sorry. How may I help you?’ ‘We’d like to have a drink and some help with our map,’ Antony tells her. ‘Of course,’ she smiles and looks around the terrace, ‘I have a spot down there on the benches or a few under the parasol.’ ‘Seb?’ He takes a look around and finds a nice spot that doesn’t have too much sun but isn’t quite in the shade either. Plus, it’s a bit more secluded. ‘That one over there. Is that okay?’ She looks down at the paper in front of her and nods. ‘Yeah, that’s alright. Have a seat. I’ll be right there.’ ‘Thank you.’ ‘No problem.’ She runs back into the bar to do whatever she has to do. They sit down and watch her dart all over the terrace, stopping shorty to inform her colleague with the beard of something, and then walks over to them. ‘What can I get you?’  She smiles brightly at the two. ‘A beer please,’ Antony says. ‘Make that two,’ Sebastian adds. She nods. ‘Two beers, coming right up.’ And she’s gone again. Before she reaches the door, she seems to be stopped by a guest whose glass is still full. She talks to her briefly and while the woman talking to her seems very serious, she keeps laughing it off. All while darting short glances at them and then the woman she’s talking to points at them. Of course, Antony takes that opportunity to joke around. He points at himself with a questioning look as he catches the woman’s eye. She shakes her head and points at Sebastian. The girl waves it off and quickly runs inside. It takes less than a minute until she’s outside again and standing at their table. ‘What was all that about,’ Antony asks her as she puts the beers down in front of them. ‘Oh, she’s a regular and she was curious why she heard me talk English.’ ‘So why the pointing?’ Her cheeks turn bright red as she clutches her tray with two hands but the look on her face seems to tell a whole different story than her body language. She chuckles. ‘She knows my love life is a mess and she knows I fall for guys like you,’ she tells the two as she looks at Sebastian, ‘I might have to prepare you for her. She’s quite the woman and she’s tried to set me up with guests before.’ Antony laughs. ‘I’m sure we’ll be able to handle her.’ ‘You’re American, right?’ He nods. ‘I’m not sure you’ll be able to handle her.’ With those words, she walks away with a huge grin on her lips.

‘En?’ The woman looks anxiously excited for your answer. You laugh and wave her off. ‘Heb het niet gevraagd.’ I didn’t ask. ‘Waarom niet?’ Why not? ‘Hij komt alleen voor een drankje en ik ben aan her werk. Ik hoor niet met gasten te flirten.’ He’s only here for a drink and I’m working. I’m not supposed to flirt with guests. ‘Dus? Hij is je type en je bent al bijna een jaar niet uit geweest.’ So? He’s your type and you haven’t gone out in a year. You sigh and shake your head. ‘Ik ga hem niet uit vragen.’ I’m not going to ask him out. ‘Dan doe ik het.’ Then I will. ‘Be my guest.’ She gets up from her chair and limps over to the two Americans sitting across the terrace. You can’t help but watch what she’s going to do and your coworker joins you. ‘Wat gaat Sanne doen?’ What’s Sanne doing? ‘Ze gaat een date voor me regelen.’ She’s getting me a date. He looks over at the two men and looks a bit confused. ‘Wacht, zijn dat-’ Wait, are they- ‘Sebastian Stan en Antony Mackie. De winter soldier en de falcon.’ ‘Maar die zijn toch al veertig ofzo?’ Aren’t those two like forty or something? You shrug. ‘Sanne stond erop. Op deze manier laat ze in ieder geval even met rust.’ Sanne insisted. At least she’ll leave me alone for a while after this. ‘Je gaat ervan uit dat ze niet me je uit zouden willen?’ You’re assuming they wouldn’t go out with you? ‘Antony is getrouwd en ik ben vrij zeker dat ze beter dan mij kunnen krijgen. Er staan letterlijk modellen voor ze in de rij.’ Antony is married and I’m pretty sure they can get better than me. Modells literally line up for them. ‘Ze ziet er anders vrij tevreden uit.’ She looks pretty satisfied. We watch as Sanne walks back towards us with a victorious look on her face. ‘Tom, je moet haar vrij geven. Hij zei dat hij met haar uit zo gaan als ze zou helpen met hun kaart. Ze zijn verdwaalt ofzo.’ Tom, you have to give her the rest of the day off. He told me that he’d take her out if she’d help them with their map. They’re lost or something. You could sink into the ground right there and then. Tom checks his watch and seems to seriously consider it. ‘Ja, ga ze maar helpen. T is toch rustig.’ Yeah, you go help them. It’s not busy. Your jaw drops. Tom can be quite lazy and often keeps you on until closing so he doesn’t have to do everything alone. ‘Je maakt een grapje.’ You’re kidding, right? He nudges you towards the door of the bar, knowing that you’ll have to write down your hours and grab your phone before you sit down with them. ‘Nee, kom op. Dit meen je niet.’ No, come on. You’re not serious. ‘Y/n, maakt niet uit wat er gebeurt, dit is een geweldig verhaal om te vertellen op feestjes. Ga gewoon.’ Y/n, it doesn’t matter what happens, this’ll still be a great story to tell at parties. Just go. Sanne puts her hand on your shoulder as she says it. You sigh and take your loss. Or win. However you want to look at it. ‘Wat wil je drinken?’ What do you want to drink? Tom asks as he trails behind you into the building. ‘Doe maar een biertje.’ A beer would be nice. He nods and gets to tapping while you fill in your hours in the folder behind the bar and take your phone out of a drawer under the coffee machine. ‘Ik haat je.’ I hate you. ‘Tuurlijk.’ For sure. Tom hands you your beer and you head outside to sit down with Sebastian and Antony. You grab a chair and pull it towards their table. When you sit down, both men have an astonished look on their faces. ‘They actually gave you the day off,’ Antony asks, ‘all because your love life isn’t ideal?’ ‘You clearly underestimated how terrible my love life is,’ you joke. ‘Well now you’ve gotta tell us everything,’ Antony urges as he leans back in his chair. ‘I don’t have to tell you anything.’ ‘I’m supposed to take you on a date, so I would like it if you did tell me something,’ Sebastian says. ‘You really don’t have to,’ you tell them, ‘I know she’s a scary woman but she won’t kill you or anything. Besides, you won’t ever see either of us again once you leave.’ ‘That’s fair but this is a great story,’ Sebastian shrugs. You scoff and scoot your chair a little closer. ‘Sure. Now let’s see this map of yours.’

“We found it.” Sebastian sends the text and drops his bag in his room. It takes only a few seconds until you send a message back. “Yay, good job.” He smiles as he sits down on his bed and types his response. “Nah, that was all you.” “I wouldn’t be too grateful. I am going to cyberbully the shit out of you.” “Sure.” There’s knocking on his hotel room. He calls for the person to come in, knowing it’ll probably be Mackie and it is. ‘Hey man,’ he says and sits down in a nice chair across the room. ‘Hey,’ Sebastian replies, ‘you got a good room?’ ‘Great. Say, are you going to go back to take our tour guide on that date?’ Sebastian shrugs. ‘I was thinking about it but she’s quite a bit younger.’ ‘That’s what I was thinking,’ Antony says with a nod. ‘But I still think you should do it.’ ‘Hold on, why?’ ‘She said something on the terrace that kind of stuck with me.’ He gets up from his chair and walks over to the window to look out over the busy Amsterdam streets. He looks a bit disappointed by the view. He preferred the small town. ‘You will probably never see her again after you leave.’ ‘What?’ ‘She’s from a small town, she works in the town’s bar, no one has a clue who you are around there. And I saw how you looked at her. So why not take a chance? Best case scenario, you have a fun date. Worst case scenario, you have a great date and are stuck with feelings for a woman who lives across the world. Either way, she’s fun to be around.’ Sebastian is shocked for a second but Antony is spitting straight facts. Y/n was a joy to talk to while she was helping them figure out their next move and what does he really have to lose? ‘You’re right.’

~Two months later~

‘Sebastian, we heard you finally took a trip with Antony Mackie. Do you have any stories?’ The fan looks smug as she asks it like she knows something. Like she knows what he and Mackie know. He adjusts himself in his seat and puts the microphone to his mouth. ‘We went to the Netherlands and when you’re there you have to go cycling. We got lost and Mackie refused to use his phone to look for where to go so we ended up in a small local bar where the waitress helped us find out that we were actually cycling towards the wrong city. We wanted to cycle to Amsterdam and we ended up in Amersfoort.’ And then I fell for the waitress who showed us around the city to make sure we had a good time either way even if we could’ve just taken a taxi to Amsterdam. We stayed longer than we should’ve and I miss her. But he doesn’t say that. He couldn’t. ‘The waitress,’ the interviewer asks in disbelief, ‘she could speak English?’ ‘The Dutch are actually great English speakers.’ ‘Was the waitress cute?’ Sebastian laughs. ‘She was adorable,’ he says, trying to play it off as a joke, an exaggeration, ‘but she was really smart. She helped us figure it out and even helped us to get back to our hotel.’ ‘You didn’t sneak her in, did you?’ ‘Oh, no, no. She just told us what to do and where to go.’

Sebastian walks through his apartment when his phone goes off. He checks the screen to see Mackie’s name pop up and he sighs. He knows what he wants to talk about. The interview went up just an hour or so ago. ‘I know,’ Sebastian says as he presses his phone to his ear. “Just for good measure, I’m going to tell you anyway. Call her.” ‘I can’t do that to her.’ “To her or to yourself?” ‘It’s too much of a distance. Even for long-distance.’ “She told you she’s thinking of moving to Canada.” ‘Doesn’t mean she’ll move here with the probability of a relationship. And a relationship in the spotlight.’ “So you’re going to deny you felt something?” ‘I’m not going to deny it, I just-’ “You’re going to bottle it up until it eats you alive in hopes of losing feelings.” Antony sighs. “Seb, this girl was made for you.” His phone starts beeping. ‘Hold up, I’m getting another line.’ “Sebastian, don’t-” He hangs up and picks the other call up without checking who is calling. He just wanted to get rid of Mackie for bothering him about Y/n again. ‘Hello?’ “Oh, hey.” Sebastian freezes at the sound of your voice coming through the speaker. “I didn’t think you’d pick up this fast. I need some help.” ‘From me?’ “Yes, I seem to have taken a wrong turn while cycling to Amsterdam.” She giggles softly. “And now I’m lost in New Amsterdam.” ‘New Amsterdam?’ He feels his stomach tingle at the words but he isn’t sure if she’s hinting at what she’s hinting at. “No, wait, they don’t call it that anymore. New York.” ‘You’re in New York?’ “Yeah, some dude with a gap in his teeth dropped me off in front of an apartment complex in SoHo but I think I’ve been scammed.” ‘In SoHo?’ He rushes to his window, struggling to open it with one hand. “Yeah, you know anyone who might have a place for me to rest my head until I figure out how to get back?” He finally pulls the window open and sticks his head out to look down and there you stand. You smile up at him and wave. “Oh, there you are,” she says through the phone. ‘I’ll be right down.’ He doesn’t waste another second. He pulls on his shoes on his bare feet, hopping as he goes. Snatches his keys from the table and sprints out, not really caring that he looks a mess. He runs down the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator, and bursts out the door. You smile at him and he freezes, suddenly realizing you’re really here. ‘Wow,’ he mumbles, ‘it’s you.’ ‘Hey,’ you say as you bite your lip. He leans in slightly and then Sebastian becomes awfully aware of the prying eyes on the New York streets. He wants to hold you, kiss your lips, but he can’t on the street. Not when you just came here. ‘Come in,’ he says as he starts to usher you inside. He walks you to the elevator and presses the button. It opens right away and the two of you step inside. He notices you study his face and he feels himself getting nervous. ‘What are you doing?’ ‘Trying to figure out if you’re actually happy to see me or just scared that I’m a stalker.’ ‘I’m happy to see you,’ he tells you as he suppresses a smile. You don’t. You smile brightly as you take his hand. The feeling is familiar and yet a little nostalgic after being apart for two whole months. ‘I’m happy to see you too.’ The elevator door opens and he shows you to his door. It’s only then that he notices you don’t have anything with you. ‘Did you jump on a plane like this?’ ‘No, I got a hotel room just in case I read you all wrong when you left.’ You take off your shoes as you step inside, something you also did at your own place when you took him home. He smiles and wraps his arms around your waist. ‘You didn’t’. Your arms slide around his neck as if they’re meant to be there. He slowly dips down and presses a kiss to your lips. ‘Good, ‘cause you’re stuck with me two weeks.’ ‘And after that?’ ‘I either introduce you to my parents or I go back.’ ‘Go hard or go home.’ ‘Exactly.’

[shellheadtm-a]

Steve x Tony @shieldslinger​ / send me a ship and-

Who asks the other on dates:  lbh with each other here, these are the kind of assholes that have an actual date night.  sometimes they even make it to it and do date things.  but also let's be honest with the fact they've been going on dates for years and were too dumb to realize it.  museums?  burgers and a movie?  you know they've done it, you know it was a date, and you know they had literally no idea.  because they're dumbasses. Who is the bigger cuddler:  with all the unnecessary touching that went on with them from like literally steve's first day out of the ice and you come into my home and ask that question?  as touchy as they were before (those sweet, sweet shoulder squeezes of validation) you know it's worse now.  movie night's probably a nightmare just because you know it's either bc tony's draped some part of himself on steve, or they're jammed so close together you couldn't squeeze a sheet of paper between them, or...listen.  when two tactile people love each other very much, they're probably really gross and annoyingly handsy, and i don't mean in the...gropey kind of way, they're just touchy.  all the time.  must toch.  plus they have a shitton of issues, which probably doesn't help in that either but eh. Who initiates holding hands more often:  there's a theme here, you know that right.  there's a theme here, because it's a theme in canon, and it's tony offering a hand up to steve.  like it's a thing, you know it, i know it, so if you don't think tony's needy hand holder in this relationship, you'd be wrong.  it's sad, he gets this weird little thrill at even being able to do that, and on the one hand...you gotta feel bad for him.  he'd take whatever steve gives him and tell himself that's enough and he's content with it, because it's steve.  but knowing steve's okay with it?  a religious experience.

Who remembers anniversaries:  well, it's not steve rogers, i can tell you that.  and you know what, that's okay, and that's fair, and tony loves him anyway.  he might be the man with a plan, but he's useless with a planner.  he gets caught up in things, it's fine, tony remembers for the both of them, it's why he has friday.  what i'm saying is the only one who really remembers any important dates at all is friday. Who is more possessive:  i don't know that...you could really classify either of them that way?  overly protective, sure.  clucky with mother hen tendencies, the both of them, yeah.  taking what they can of each other's time, even if it's just to be able to say good night and good morning, absolutely.  but i don't think...with who they are as people, they really can't be. Who gets more jealous:  which goes back to being possessive, right, like tony has a little jealous streak but it doesn't manifest blatantly as one.  two, they're public figures so...there's not a lot of room for jealousy there.  like captain america and iron man might be characters they play (which are still them, i know i've talked about it but bear with me, it's an idealized version of them, separate from the inner selves) but they're public, you know, they're superheroes, and there's an expectation you share each other with the job.  and with the people you save.  with the world, really.  i think it's more about taking what time they do have as steve and tony more than anything else. Who is more protective:  this is a joke, right?  this is a joke.  these two idiots would throw themselves in front of each other over and over and over again if you let them.  that said, tony's moreso.  and i'll tell you why.  everything he's done?  all the bad?  the times he's sold his soul?  was to keep steve - and their loved ones - safe.  or happy, in a situation where there was really nothing they could do.  every time.  or i'll go one better.  tony will absolutely trade his own life for steve's in the blink of an eye, because he's always believed between the two of them steve's the better man.  he's done it.  willingly.  without a second thought once he's made the decision to do it.  he probably has a "sacrifing myself for the greater good and especially steve" face.  i'd like to lie and say that he understands if something happened to him how badly it would hurt steve but...if it came down to a choice of tony dying if it meant steve would live, he'd trade himself in a heartbeat.  that's uh.  something he's working on (he's not). Who is more likely to cheat:  this really is a joke.  steve "my middle name is noble" rogers and tony "has been in love with steve rogers for years" stark.  like tony would never, ever, ever say it, but this is it.  i don't mean in some fatalistic way, and i mean he fully believes he has an expiration date so he wouldn't say anything anyway, but this is it.  steve's always been The One.  his Person.  never would happen, not in a million fucking years. Who initiates sexy times the most:  you would think the answer is anthony edward stark and in most cases you'd be right, but steve rogers is not most cases, it is steve rogers and the rules don't apply to him.  by which i mean surprisingly steve is the proactive one here, and i think it's because tony is...he is hesitant.  it's weird, he's pushy with his forms of affection and then he backs off in this arena but i would argue he's getting better about it, and that the only reason he is like that is because he doesn't...he's very careful with steve, really, he's still walking on eggshells a little.  give him time, the tables will turn, he'll be pouncing steve from dark corners like an overgrown house cat with the 3am zoomies and a need to fight. Who dislikes PDA the most:  they're not, you know, public yet.  so it's not like this is really a thing outside of their friends circle, and even then, like.  i'm willing to bet literally nothing has changed in the slightest except you might walk in on them smoochin.  oh, the huge manatee.  tbf, for some people it might be (clint, looking directly at you) considering who wants to see their parents doing that but you know.  tough tiddy.  anyway, they’re just...not really the type. Who kills the spider:  listen they know some spiders who are very good people, and it's not nice to talk about premeditated murder.  there is a strict catch and release program in place and by that i mean tony will absolutely release said spiders back with their people.  except nat, because she's scary. Who asks the the other to marry them:  steve's joked around about that once.  once.  and tony did not take it well with his past history of failed relationships.  not out of a fear of committment, are you kidding me, this is tony who makes being married a personality trait.  but because he thinks he's a jinx.  i can tell you one thing, it won't be him that asks, if they ever get around to doing something more official than cohabitating.  shaking up.  whatever you want to call it.  not unless it's a jokey thing that gets taken seriously (which would change his tune embarrassingly fast).  he's gunshy at this point.  he's been engaged a few times and it's telling that he doesn't have like three divorces under his belt.  and also they're still feeling out the new them, which is fine, it's good they're doing that.  but he'd say yes in a heartbeat. Who buys the other flowers or gifts:  the answer you're looking for is tony stark.  it is tony stark who does this, thank you.  it could be big things, like, i don't know, a mansion (hello, 890 5th avenue).  training robots for the gym that...no one needs to know the price tag on that steve's going systematically tear apart.  training scenarios for the danger room he's spent three days straight coding and putting together.  new uniforms.  or it could be little things like a book steve's been meaning to get and read or his favorite bagel or...either way.  it's just who tony is, he can't help it.  if he has it, he gives it.  honestly i feel like at some point steve's just learned to roll with it because there's no stopping it.  he's been doing it forever, since day one (hey guys, remember the cray mainframe?), but now he's signed up for no complaining so you know.  that's on him. Who would bring up possibly having kids:  said like it hasn't already happened.  it's steve, by the way.  it's 1000% steve and he's already done it and tony's giving ten million reasons why he shouldn't when he knows he's going to say yes, and so what i'm really getting at here is they need to start thinking nursery colors for the mansion, because they're not fooling anyone.  and they're gonna be amazing parents and that kid is gonna be the most spoiled, loved, protected baby ever.  she hit the jackpot and doesn't even know it.  this is also the only superfamily content i am here for.  just a dumbass, a himbo, and a superbaby.  also consider.  all the cute.  knitted things.  i demand cute knitted things, it's not up for debate. Who is more nervous to meet the parents:  that's...not an issue, for one thing.  for another, like.  literally their entire friends group are...all...the same people.  lbr there was literally a betting pool in place and i wonder who won.  it keeps me up at night, wondering who cashed in on tony and steve no longer being quite as big of a pair of dumbasses as they have been.  part of me hopes it was peter parker, i worry about you, spooder-min. Who sleeps on the couch when the other is angry:  tony uh.  will stay in his lab if they have a row but i can promise you he doesn't sleep much.  if at all.  it's part and parcel with the tony stark experience in this case.  he'll stay in his hidey hole and be sad because steve's mad at him, but won't do anything about it at first, just stay and be sad.  because he's sad.  and also Feeling An Emotion is hard and they don't know how to use their words. Who tries to make up first after arguments:  i'd argue 70% of the time it's probably tony.  like, they're both stubborn, we know that.  they both dig in their heels and think they're right, the other's wrong, and they're being stupid about it.  and about some things they're just literally never going to agree but don't know how to agree to disagree.  tony gets set in a rut and won't consider a deviation from what he's already decided is going to happen.  steve gets mulish and refuses to listen to another point of view.  they butt heads.  but honestly, at this point, at the end of the day (if he can stop sulking), after everything that's happened?  you know, at this point it's obvious that when they argue and stay mad, bad things tend to happen.  tony doesn't even have memories of the worst of it but he knows he took it badly, let's be real here (i say, like badly's not a hilarious understatement).  he may not apologize in a way that says he's wrong, but he may do it for helping escalate a fight.  bc, you know, blah blah, not half as good as anything as i am doing it next to you, blah blah, azure eyes, blah blah, good morning beloved. Who tells the other they love them more often:  honestly, now that those big scary words are out there, and there's no takebacksies in having said it, they've both been pretty free with them.  making up for lost time, i guess.  i think they have different tones, though.  tony's as free with those with steve as he's ever been with anything else.  he gives them...often?  and with no expectation of anything in return.  because that's how he's always been with steve.  and from steve like...a lot of time it seems like...as much as he says it?  it's a reassurance more than anything (because we know how tony is).  sometimes tony even lets himself believe it without second guessing himself.

[renee-writer]

The Hunter Chapter 15 Two Become One

Frantic kisses. Her hands run down his chest, though the soft hair and to his very erect nipples. He growls against her mouth as she rolls them between her finger and thumb. He has worked her shirt off and is stumbling to unto her bra.

“Out of practice?” Said against his chest as she works her way to one of his tempting nipples. She flicks it with her tongue causing Jamie to utter, what sounds like a Ghaildhig curse.

“Oh aye. It has been 6 years.”

“What?” she looks up at him. “You've the entire time you've been here?”

“Nae nor a year before that. After, what happened to my family, I couldn’t allow myself any pleasure. It's the reason the lass in Scotland left.”

“Oh Jamie.” She sits up and takes his face in her hands. “Self denial was your punishment?”

“Aye. But with ye I can’t. Christ Claire, I've wanted ye since I saw ye.”

She kisses him. Their tongues war as he finds victory over her bra. She lets it fall and his huge hands replace the cotton. He cups her as they continue to kiss. Her nipples are tight against his palm. He moves his thumbs over them and her groan echoes in his mouth.

His lips leave hers and work down her neck. Just like in her dream, she racks her hands down his back, arches up. He reaches her breast, finally, kissing all around before pulling her nipple in.

“Oh God!” She moans. He suckles her as if he was starving. She is just as hungry and works her hands down and under his pajama pants, finding the bare skin of his bum. She clings to it as he moves to the other one. “Good! So good.”

“Aye,” he lifts up long enough to reply. “Ye taste sae sweet Claire. “ he re lowers his head. Sucking and licking until she is half mad. She kneads his bum causing him to moan as he grows harder against her leg.

He moves away and removes her pants and knickers in one move. She had kicked of her shoes earlier. He then moves to her feet to remove her socks. After which, he kisses up the sole, causing a delicious anticipation to run through her. He looks up and grins before slowly working up her leg. She shakes under him as he licks her inner thigh. His sheets and bedspread are fisted in her hands as his breath just tickles her.

“Jamie please.”

“Oh I will taste ye Claire. I just long to breath in the smell of your desire for me.”

“You may just make me come from your words alone.” She breathlessly replies.

“Well, if that doesn’t work.” He parts her with his fingers before lowering and really breathing her in. “Ye smell sae good. I want to taste every inch of ye. Make ye cum sae hard ye see stars and then bury myself bawls deep in ye.”

“F*ck Jamie! Please!”

Without farther comment, he lets his tongue come out and lick her from her vagina up. One hand loosens from the bedding and lands in his hair, tighten in his curls.

He licks her up and down, moaning with her. He reaches her clit and flicks it with the tip of his tongue.

“Yes! Yes! Don't stop Jamie. Don't stop!” her hand tightens farther.

He kisses her right on the tip of her budding clit before softly sucking it in. She gasps and her legs start to shake. He strokes them back down, holding her still as he takes her right to the edge. She whimpers, pulling at his hair. He grins against her before moving one hand up cupping her breast as he uses his mouth and tongue to pull her over the edge.

She screams his name as her whole body shakes, her legs press against his head. He tastes her until her body releases him. He pulls his pants off and then something hits him.

“Claire?” She looks at him with eyes blown wide.

“”Huh?”

“Are you protected? I haven’t anything.”

“Oh. Yes. We are good. Please. “

As promised, he enters her with one deep thrust. “Holy God! You feel sae good!”

“Yes Jesus God! Yes!” still exquisitely tender from the power of her orgasm, the feel of him, filling her, sends her right back over the edge. “Jamie!”

“Claire! Claire!” He tries to slow down put she is pulling at him as she cums. Her breasts press up against as her hands run down his arse and hold him tight.

“Good. So very good. Harder! Jamie! F*ck!”

He shakes over her. The closeness he feels for her is like nothing he has ever felt. He lowers his arms and kisses her as he moves faster and harder. He moves away so they can breath as they both get closer.

Her legs come up and press him closer. He finds her eyes holding them as she climaxes. He sees the awe feel her eyes and gets goosebumps all over before he gets to close to control his rhythm. He loses his English and cries out in Gaelic as he buries himself bawls deep inside her as he pumps deep inside her.

“Ye alright?” he lays breathless beside her. She finds the energy to turn.

“I am wonderful. I knew there would be heat. I dreamed of this but, wow Jamie. It was so much better. “

“Aye. I ken what it means now, for the two to become one. Ye were a part of me.”

“Were?”

“Are. Ye feel it too?”

“The drawing? Yes Jamie. I feel it too.” She toches his chest, laying her hand over his heart. “It is far to soon and a bit insane.”

“But real. It is real Claire.”

“Yes.” She rests against his chest. “I have to go. I don't want to but, I need to check on Mr. Bailey and the baby.”

“Aye. I understand. Will ye come back today?”

“Yes. I think we need to talk about this.”

“Aye. Will ye tell Joe about this? About us?”

“Not sure. I will. Just not sure when.”

“I trust ye to ken when.”

“Thank you.” She doesn’t want to move. She stays curled against him, trying to make herself. Then her phone rings.

“Weel, it wasn’t earlier.”

“True.” She sighs and gets up and answers it. “Hello. Yes. I am on the way. Are they still at the hospital? Okay. Thanks Gillian.”

“Ye really have to go?”

“Yes. I will return.” She pulls her clothes on and brushes her hair, pulling it up in a ponytail.

“Ye are so beautiful.” He says as he stands up and pulls her against him. “With your face and eyes all glowing.” She rests her head against his chest. “Go love. Take care of your other patients. I will be here.”

“I know.” She lifts up seeking a kiss. He happily does.

[writerfae]

@thegirlwithnonickname aaand here’s chapter four of Always by your side, the last chapter I wrote for it!

.

Chapter 4

'I don't think that this is a good idea.'

Lucas turned around to face his friend.

'Come on Ty, it'll be fun!'

Sneaking into an old deserted house at night didn't sound like fun to Tyler.

'Or are you afraid?', Lucas teased him. 'I thought you don't believe in ghosts.'

For Tyler ghosts simply couldn't exist. It wasn't possible. But Lucas believed it.

'I don't. But I still don't think we should do this.'

It wasn't about the ghosts. Just thinking about entering a lonely run down house made him anxious.

'What do we want here anyway?'

'Looking around of course. You heard the stories they tell about this place.'

Of course he did. One was crazier than the other. Strange things happened in this house, they said. Lost children, a mysterious murder and ghosts bound to the house for all eternity. Everything just stupid lies.

'You don't really believe in these stories, do you?'

'Why not? They could be true after all. You can never know. But we'll find out!'

He entered the building.

Tyler shook his head.

'You're unbelieveable.'

But then he followed Lucas into the house.

Of course they didn't find anything supernatural. The house was empty. No lost children. No bodies. No ghosts.

But a black cat, that made Tyler jump as he saw her, what made Lucas laugh.

'Giving the fact that you don't believe that there are ghosts here, you're pretty easy to scare.'

'Giving the fact that you do believe that there are ghosts here, we haven't seen many of them', Tyler countered.

Lucas stuck his tongue out at his best friend.

'Fine, maybe the stories about the house aren't true after all. But just because there are no ghosts here it doesn't mean that they don't exist.'

'Why are you so certain about that?', Tyler asked.

Lucas looked at him. 'Because I believe that everything is possible.', he said.

~~~

'That's... that's impossible.'

He must be dreaming. Or he was going insane.

This thing right in front of him... this couldn't be Lucas. Lucas was dead. And still... It looked like his best friend.

It was kneeling beside Tyler and looked at him with the same unbelieving expression.

'You... you can see me?'

The familiar sound of Lucas' voice made Tyler flinch. He gulped, then he nodded.

'This...' His throat felt so dry he could barely speak. 'This has to be a dream.'

Dream-Lucas gave him a small uncertain smile.

'It's not a dream Ty. It's real. I'm real.'

Tyler shook his head.

'N-no. You can't be real. You are...' He stopped before saying the word aloud. 'Dead.'

'I know. And I can't explain it either but somehow... somehow I'm still there. Or at least a part of me. Tyler please, you have to believe me.'

Tyler didn't know what to do. Believe him? Or rather run away?

His mind told him to run. This couldn't be true. Ghosts didn't exist.

And still, there was something inside of him that believed it. Or wanted to believe it. But how can something impossible be true?

'I can imagine that it sounds insane. That you believe it's a dream. I still can't believe it myself.'

He looked down at his hands.

'But... something happened and I don't know what or why but somehow I'm dead but also... not really. And I know it makes no sense but you're the first one who can see and hear me since the accident and...'

He was looking at Tyler now, starring him directly in the eyes.

'Please say something. Anything.'

Despair was showing on his face and even though Tyler still wasn't sure if he believed the whole Lucas-ghost-thing it made his heart ache.

Being near this thing felt damn familiar. It was the feeling Tyler always got around his best friend, just further away. As if he was there but at the same time... wasn't.

'It's... it's strange.' Tyler shook his head. 'It should be impossible but still... it feels like it's you.'

He examined 'Lucas' from head to toe. He looked like him. Talked like him.

If this was a dream, it was damn real. And if it wasn't... it was either a miracle or Tyler's grief made him go insane.

He held out his hand to 'Lucas'.

As the other noticed it, he understood what Tyler wanted to do and reached out as well. His hand almost toched Tyler's, then... went through it.

Tyler gasped and abruptly pulled his hand back.

'How is that possible?'

'I don't know.'

'Am I crazy?'

'Not much crazier than you already were before, I think.'

'Lucas' smiled. The smile Tyler had missed so much.

So he smiled too. Carefully.

He really hoped he wasn't dreaming. If it meant he could have Lucas back - even when it's just in a certain (really strange) way - then he wanted to believe it.

'And what now?'

Lucas thought about it. 'Now we find out why I'm here. And why you can see me now.'

'But first...', he said and his voice turned soft. 'You should go back home and rest. Today wasn't easy and I'm sure your mom will be worried. You're here for hours already.'

~~~

In the exact moment Tyler opened the door, his mother came running to him.

'Where have you been Tyler? I was worried.'

She hugged him.

'School called. They said you ran away. Are you alright? What happened?'

She looked at him with worry.

Tyler closed his eyes.

'It's all right now, mom. It was just... too much for me. I needed time alone.'

'I can understand that dear, but please don't scare me like this ever again, you hear me? When no one answered my calls I thought... I was afraid you... I'm glad that you're alright darling.'

She hugged him again. Tyler tried to calm her down.

She must've been really worried. Tyler was angry at himself for not thinking about her. She probably thought he would do something stupid.

He couldn't judge her for thinking that, not considering how bad his state was after Lucas died.

'It's okay mom, I'm fine', he assured her.

'Does dad know what happened?'

Suddenly he was worried. His dad wouldn't be appealed to hear about it.

'No. He's still at work. And no one will tell him, don't worry.'

She smiled at him and ran a hand through his hair.

'Are you hungry?', she asked then. 'I can make you something to eat.'

Tyler nodded. "Thanks, mom."

~~~

'You would never hurt yourself, would you? Not because of me and this stupid accident. Please say you wouldn't.'

It was the first thing Lucas said when Tyler came back into his room. He wanted to grab Tyler's shoulders, but his hands slipped through him.

Tyler closed the bedroom door so his mother won't hear something.

Then he asked: 'Why do you think I would?'

'I heard what your mom said. And I know what she meant. She thought you would hurt yourself. I know she wouldn't fear this to happen if you wouldn't give her a reason to fear it. So?'

Tyler looked down. 'Lucas you don't have to worry about...'

'Answer me.'

'No, I wouldn't. Never again', he whispered. 'It's just... since you died I'm feeling pretty bad. When you're feeling like this everything might be possible. That's what worried my mom. But I never tried it, I promise.'

It was the truth. Tyler looked at Lucas, who nodded. He believed him.

'Good. I never would've forgiven myself if you had.'

He turned his back to Tyler, walked to the window and looked outside.

Tyler, who didn't know what he should do, sat down on his bed.

For a moment there was silence, then Lucas talked again.

'I'm sorry you have to suffer because of me', he whispered.

Tyler wanted to tell him not to apologize. And that none of this was his fault. After all it was Lucas whos life was ended so early.

But Lucas didn't let him say it.

'I know what you want to say, but it is my fault anyway.'

He abruptly turned and faced Tyler.

'Maybe that's the reason I'm still here.'

'What do you mean?', Tyler asked.

'Do you remember? When we were nine years old and your parents had their first really big fight so you ran away? You were suddenly standing at my doorstep, crying so much it was almost impossible to calm you down.'

Tyler nodded.

At that time the fights between his parents had started to become worse. On said evening it was really bad, more than ever before. He was so scared that he sneaked out and ran to Lucas house. Lucas and his parents needed hours to calm him down.

'And do you still remember what I promised you back then?'

Again, Tyler nodded.

How could he ever forget it? He was more surprised that Lucas still remembered.

'You said that you'll always be there for me...'

'No matter what will happen. Exactly.'

Lucas walked towards the bed.

'I meant it. But then I died and you needed me more than ever. And I couldn't help you. I wanted to of course. I followed you and saw how you were hurting. And I wished nothing more than being able to talk to you, tell you everything will be alright and that... But it wasn't possible. Until today.'

He squatted down before Tyler, who was still sitting on the bed, so they were eye to eye. He looked at him determined.

'Maybe that's my task. Maybe it's my chance to keep my promise.'

.

So that’s the point where I abandoned this story.

I had no real plan how to continue and no time to continue it either (because of school). I still feel sorry for it sometimes, cause I adored the idea. Tyler and Lucas are my babies.

[noona-la-la-la]

(1)I follow you for so long and i enjoyed all of your stories but also your advices. I kinda need some help and idk who should i ask. I was in a relationship with this boy that is from the same class as me. We dated 1 year and a half ago... but since we are in the same class we still see eachother and its not awkward at all. Well when we were together. I refused doing " it " with him because i was a virgin ( i still am ) and after 2 weeks we broke up. When i refused he wasnt angry.

(2)he didnt get angry. We cuddled and it was really funny. I refused to do it because even if i knew him for lore than a year..we were in a relationship just for 2 weeks and i just wanted to wait more. When we broke up he said its because we dont really see eachother outside of school and stuff like this ( this made my question in he wanted me just for a quick fuck). Well i still have feelings for him.. and since that day he still hugged me and he was really sweet to me

(3)But today.. he stayed next to me in class. He took my hand in his and he placed it on his lap. Without realising it. Well, i kinda felt something hard and suddenly i truned all red. He saw my reaction. Then he suddenly started to rub my hand over his...., i lowkey got shocked. I never toched a dick. But then he guided my hand under his pants and i started to move my hand up and down. I could see how much he was enjoying. ( nobody saw us because he put a big scarf on our laps )

I feel so bad for writing so much. You might think im childish. But i just wanted to tell you and maybe to hear what you think about this situation TT

First of all, I do not think you are childish.  Also, don’t feel bad for writing somuch.  Most people who send in asks don’tinclude nearly enough information for me, so I appreciate you including allthis detail.  One important detail thatyou did not include is how you are feeling about what happened?  Are you happy? Angry? Confused?  While it was happening did you want to stopbut were too afraid or shocked to do so? Were you shocked but still curious and enjoying what was happening?  Did you feel like you could have pulled yourhand away and chose not to or did you feel like you had to keep your hand thereeven if you didn’t want to?  

Because I’m about to write a whole bunch of words below, but thesingle most important thing is how you feel about what occurred and making sureyour words and actions in the future correspond with your feelings.  Some people will read your story and think itsounds like the plot line of a smut they want to read, some will wish somethinglike that would happen to them one day, others will be appalled and scared foryou to have to endure something like this, others still will remember apersonal trauma where they were sexually assaulted or coerced into performingsome kind of sex act against their will. All of those feelings are very different and all are valid -- and itunderscores the importance of getting explicit consent when engaging in anykind of sexual activity.  

THIS IS GOING TO GET LOOOOONG!  

SO I’M PUTTING IT UNDER THE CUT!

If I’m reading what you wrote correctly, you say that you likedthis guy from your class and the two of you dated for 2 weeks.  He wanted to have sex and you refused becauseyou didn’t feel like you had been dating that long and because you weren’tready to lose your virginity yet.  Andthen he broke up with you, using the excuse that you didn’t see each otherenough outside of class.  After only twoweeks.   So I think you already know, andwould agree, that his excuse was a load of crap.  He broke up because you didn’t want to havesex.  I don’t know him and maybe itsounds judgmental, but to break up after only two weeks because you didn’t seeeach other enough is ridiculous.  If hewanted to see you more often, well… he could have made an effort to see youmore often.  My take on this is that helusted after you more than he actually liked you, and when it was clear thatyou were not going to fuck him, he didn’t have a reason to be in therelationship any longer.  If sex is abigger priority to him than actually getting to know you and getting closer toyou over time, then that’s his choice – even if it sucks and it makes him looklike a jerk.

Regardless, you guys remained friendly and now, 1 ½ years later,he is sitting next to you in class and puts your hand on his lap so you can“accidentally” feel his erection.  Oncehe confirms that you know he has a hard on and you don’t pull away or scream oranything, he pushes it to the next level, by moving your hand over his clothederection.  You didn’t pull away again, sohe pushes it to the next step, which is putting your hand down his pants so youcan give him a hand job – which you do, at least for a little while.  Did he make you do something against yourwill or were you a willing participant in this little escapade?  I don’t know. He doesn’t know, although I’m guessing he thinks you were fine with it.

So, let’s talk about consent. I could talk for days about the social issues and taboos around sex thatmake discussing the need for explicit and enthusiastic consent such a rarity.  But in an ideal situation, everyone who wantsto initiate sexual activity would explicitly ask for consent and the otherpartner would explicitly agree or refuse. Unfortunately, it often doesn’t happen that way and it leads toconfusion, misunderstanding, and in some more serious cases, rape or sexualassault.  

Explicit consent is when one person clearly asks for sex and theother person clearly says yes to the sex. In the case of what happened between you and this guy – he should havecome to you and said “Will you give me a hand job?” and then you could give ayes or no answer.  And I get it, thatsounds ridiculous – but it can also be done in a more sexy way.  If he had said to you, “You look so sexytoday, but then again you look sexy every day. You know I can’t stop thinking about you, just being near you makes mehard.  I would do anything to have youtouch me.  I know this is probably out ofline, but I can’t help myself.  I feelready to explode.  Please touch me.  You can just put your hand on top of my pantsto start. Please.”  And then you candecide what it is you want to do.  

My guess is that he didn’t want to risk rejection, so ratherthan straight out ask you for what he wanted, he went for the more common (andmore dangerous) route of getting implicit or implied consent.  Rather than using words, he tries to figureout how far he can go based on actions. He puts your hand in his lap… you don’t pull away… he assumes this isokay.  He moves your hand over his dick…you don’t pull away… he assumes this is also okay.  And so on and so forth.  The problem is that everything is left toindividual interpretation when in reality, you could have been so shocked orscared that you froze up and that’s why you didn’t pull away.  This is why it’s always best to go forexplicit consent rather than implied consent – it removes the chance ofmiscommunication.

I’m going to guess you did not expect the first time you everytouched a dick to be in a public setting with a guy who once dumped you for notputting out.  This certainly wasn’t anideal situation.  And to be really clear,the fact that he did this to you is another indication that he lusts after youmore than he actually likes or respects you. But the real question is “what do you want to have happen now?”  Because I would bet money that he is going tocome back to you and try to do this again – or maybe he’ll try to push things alittle further.   And when he does come back to you, he islikely not going to explicitly ask for your consent and instead he will try toget you to do what he wants through actions rather than words.  So you need to figure out what you are okaywith and what is too much for you and use your own words to make it clear tohim where the boundary is.  I don’t knowwhere that line is for you.  If youdecide that the hand job was fun and you’d like to do it again – then sayso.  If you decide that the hand job wasway over the line and you are not at all comfortable with what happened and younever want it to happen again – then say so. And if there is something in between – maybe you are okay with parts ofit, or you would be willing to do it again under a particular set ofcircumstances – then ask for what you want. You have the right to set the boundaries.  And he can either agree to that or he can getlost.

[lifeofroos]

Inktober Prompt 18: Misfit

Dutch / Nederlands 

Ik probeer mijn moeders’ hand te pakken. Ze kijkt niet op of om. Mijn vader ligt in de open kist; hij is lijkbleek. Ik voel me misselijk. Naast me staan nog een paar familieleden en nog een hele hoop mensen die ik niet ken. Hun gezichten beginnen te vervagen. Langzaam  wordt ik naar achteren geduwd. Ik probeer weer naar voren te komen, maar het lijkt wel alsof er miljoenen mensen voor me staan. ‘Papa!’ Het komt er schor uit, alsof ik tegen een storm in probeer te schreeuwen. Niemand let op me. Voor me staan wel honderden mensen; achter me staan er nog vele malen meer. 

Ik val bijna op de grond, als ik ineens iets zie wat ik herken. Een grijs lichaam, zwart haar en zwarte vleugels met blauwe highlights. Alle spanning zakt weg uit mijn lichaam. ‘Het is maar een droom,’ mompel ik tegen mezelf. ‘James?’ zeg ik dan, luider. 

James maakt oogcontact met me. Hij komt iets dichterbij, maar blijft zoals altijd een eindje boven de grond zweven. Ik dwing de mensen om me heen om een beetje ruimte te maken. James komt steeds dichterbij, totdat hij vlak voor me hangt. 

‘Wat is dit?’

‘Een droom.’

‘Dat weet ik. Mijn vleugels zijn toch blauw? Ze zijn oranje in de wereld waarin je wakker bent. Maar wat gebeurt er?’

‘Dit… dit is de begrafenis van mijn vader. Of mijn herinnering ervan.’

‘Waren er zo veel mensen?’

‘Nee, dat verzint mijn onderbewuste maar.’ James knikt langzaam. Ik heb mijn best gedaan om hem uit te leggen hoe dromen werken. Hij snapt het niet helemaal, maar doet zijn best, net zoals met alle andere dingen die ze in zijn universum niet hebben en hier wel. 

‘Je vindt het niet leuk. Dat voel ik,' Mompelt hij. 

‘Ik wil mijn vader nog eens zien.’

‘Hij is dood.’

‘Ja, maar bij een begrafenis kan je afscheid nemen. Al deze mensen weerhouden me daarvan.’ De mensenmassa komt dichterbij. Ze verstikken me weer. Ik wordt weer kleiner, totdat James zegt: ‘maar het is een droom. Je hebt toch al afscheid genomen in… de wereld waarin je wakker bent?’ Ik knik. Voor James zijn mijn dromen gewoon een van vele dimensies, ook al heb ik hem talloze keren uitgelegd dat het uit mijn hoofd komt. Ik kan de mensenmassa weer een beetje wegdrukken.

‘Natuurlijk, maar het is moeilijk om te zien wat een droom is en wat niet. Vooral omdat dromen een weerspiegeling zijn van hoe we ons echt voelen.’

‘Je voelt je zo weggedrukt?’ 

‘... niet bewust. Maar ik voel me soms heel onbelangrijk en raar op een plek met veel mensen.’ 

‘Waarom?’ 

Daar denk ik even over na. 'Dat weet ik niet.’

‘Waarom zou je je dan zo voelen?’

‘Dat kan ik toch niet controleren?’

‘Niet? Oh. Wij kunnen dat wel.’ Ik kijk naar James. Naar zijn blauwe vleugels en grijze huid. Hij zweeft nu echt vlak voor mijn neus, in kleermakerszit. Ik trek hem naar me toe en omhels hem. 

‘Je hebt gelijk. Het is ook raar. Maar ik kan er niets aan doen, en ik denk dat alle mensen zich wel eens zo voelen.’ 

‘Oncomfortabel en niet op hun plek?’

‘Ja.’ Ik laat hem los. 

James kijkt een beetje wezenloos voor zich uit. 'Waarom deed je dat?’ 

‘Waarom wil jij altijd mijn hand vasthouden?’ Dat lijkt hij te begrijpen. 

Langzaam begint de droom te vervagen. James pakt mijn hand vast. ‘Ik zie je zo in de andere wereld.’ Ik glimlach en knik.

‘Tot zo, James.’ Hij laat mijn hand los, terwijl ik terug naar diepe slaap zak. 

English / Engels 

I try to grab my mother's hand, but she doesn't notice me. My father is in the pen coffin; his body is pale. I feel sick. Next to me are a few more family members, and a whole bunch of people I don't know. Their faces begin to fade. I am pushed back when they try to push to the front. I try to go forward again, but it seems like millions of people are standing in front of me. "Daddy!" It comes out hoarse, like I'm in a storm. Nobody sees me. In front of me are  hundreds of people; behind me are another millions of people.

I almost fall to the ground when I suddenly see something I recognize. Gray body, black hair, black wings with blue highlights. All tension slips away from my body. "It's just a dream," I mutter to myself. "James?" I say slightly louder. 

James makes eye contact with me. He comes closer, but as always he floats a few feet above the ground. I force the people around me to make a little space. James comes closer until he hangs in front of me.

'What is this?'

'A dream.'

'I know that. My wings are blue, right? They are orange in the world where you are awake. But what is happening?"

"This ... this is my father's funeral. Or, my memory of it."

"Where there so many people?"

"No, that's just my subconscious mind." James nods slowly. I did my best to explain to him how dreams work. He doesn't quite get it, but does his best, just like with all the other things they don't have in his dimension, but we have here.

"You don't like it. I feel that," He mutters.

"I want to see my father again."

'He is dead.'

"Yes, but you can say goodbye at a funeral. All these people keep me from that." The crowd is getting closer again.  My throat tightens. I feel like I am getting smaller, until James says: "but it's a dream. You already said goodbye in ... the world where you are awake." I nod. For James, my dreams are just one of many dimensions, even though I have explained to him countless times that it comes out of my head. The crowd gets away from me again.

"Of course, but it's hard to see what is a dream and what is real. Especially because dreams are a reflection of how we really feel. "

"You feel so pushed away?"

'... Apparently.  sometimes I feel very unimportant and weird in a place with many people. "

"Why?" 

I think about that. 'I do not know.'

"Then why would you feel that way?"

"I can't control that."

'Not? Oh. We can do that." I look at James. At his blue wings and gray skin. He now  floats right in front of me, cross-legged. I pull him towards me and hug him.

'You're right. It's weird. But I can't help it, and I think all people sometimes feel that way. "

"Uncomfortable and out of place?"

"Yes." I let go of him. 

James has a blank look in his eyes. 'Why did you do that?'

"Why do you always want to hold my hand?" He seems to understand that.

Slowly the dream starts to fade. James takes my hand. "I'll see you in the other world." I smile and nod.

"See you, James." He lets go of my hand as I drift of deep sleep again. 

[arthurflecksgirl]

Thoughts on loving Arthur <3

Thoughts keeping me awake at night. Usually Arthur was the one who suffered from insomnia. But tonight he slept well, crawled up beside me, his favourite blanket covering half of his tiney body. I loved watching him sleep. There was something so calming about being sure of him being save with me. And I knew he was. I did my best to keep him save from the rest of the world. He was a 35 year old, insanely attractive man, and still his pure hearted soul reminded me of a little kid sometimes. You barely get to know adults with his attitude anymore. Arthur was able to see the world though the eyes of a child, which I always thought was a gift most of us lost through the years. The ability to be pure at heart.

Arthur was the purest soul I have ever met. Sure, he wasnt perfect, no one is. We all have our demons and Arthur had more of them than most people. But this was part of his beauty. The darkness within him wasnt soemthing that scared me. I wish the darkness wasnt there, so he could be free of it. But I wasnt scared of any part within him. As muc h as I wished for him to be free of these kinda emotions...I loved him for being real. For not being a fake person that runs around, pretending he is okay. Arthur always tried to make people laugh when he felt down. but that wasnt fake. He really wanted to make other people happy, because he wasnt able to feel it himself. And I guess he thought maybe, just maybe when he finally managed to make someone laugh, he would feel an idea of happiness,too.

That was before we started dating. Now he knew what happiness feels like. He told me as he opened up to me,telling me he loved me. I still couldnt belive that I was the one who made him feel hapiness. It still felt like there is so much more I need to give him.

What was keeping me awake at night, was the unconditional love I felt for this man. I have never felt something so undeniable before. It was consuming me compleately and still it wasnt enough.

Every night when we made love I felt like I was connected to a higher force. He was like a door to another dimansion. To toch him, to kiss him  felt like falling into a delirium of lust and passion. Our bodies melting into each other was the most wonderful feeling I have ever expercienced.

But still it wasnt enough.

I wanted him to be closer.

Sometimes I even thought that my body was something that was holding me back from being closer to him. I wanted to become bodyless energy. Wanted to transform myself back into my original shapeless soul. To be able to enter his body and posess him with all the love I hold for him. I wanted him to breathe me in like smoke and never breathe me out again. I would spread my shapeless form inside of his body like wings, making him feel like flying.

I would be there when he is dancing.He would feel me as a vibration underneath his feet while making his steps down the stairs.

Step Step Step

He would feel me as the air, floathing beneath his arms, making him feel weightless. I would always be there. Inside of him. All around him.

Oh to be the dream he dreams at night, the essence of his consciousness. The melody that keeps him calm when he needs to be calmed.

I`d become  the thought inside his head. The one that makes darkness leave.

Drifting deeper inside of his mind. Exploring it.

Every corner of his twisted mind. Every color he has ever imagined. I would re-arrange them, make them colors no one has ever seen before. A color which darkness cannot swallow. The darkness inside of his mind is enormious, so it would take a lot of time and energy to make his demons powerless.

I would suck all his darkness in, become one with everything bad that ever happened to him. You have to get close to your enemies to be able to destroy them. And just as darkness thinks it has me in its arms,too...i would think of all the love I hold for him. I would think of his smile, his hands on my skin, his eyes. I would put every loving word he ever said to me, every hug, every time we made love,...I would put it all together in one bundle of energy and it would explode like a firework, destoying everything that was left of his demons.

And all this love would rage inside of him, like a storm that makes him feel alive. Makes him feel LOVED.

Love would finally win.

Thats what I wanted.

To be the love inside of him.

To live with him.

To die with him.

To be reborn as two souls in one body.

Spending afterlife together.

Over and over.

To never leave his side.

Time means nothing.

There is only the love I feel for him.

And its eternal.

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