#like he didn't just out me a month ago
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Whatever rant tw
#shout out to#golden kamuy for keeping me occupied from my f*ther calling everyone a perverted transvestite#bc he is watching Eurovision#my m*other doesn't stop him either#things are getting bad again#this is so incredibly traumatizing#and my s*ster is outside talking to my very transphobic ex best friend#like he didn't just out me a month ago#fuck I'm really not doing okay#I'm truly not doing okay#this is so fucking triggering#I want to cry#but i can't bc we are all staying at those stupid apartments with a bathroom and only another room#we are all trapped on the living room/kitchen#i can't last until Saturday#the thoughts are really bad#I really want to relapsed rn
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He got a sweater WITH A DOG ON IT?! So happy and joyous
#just to inform you... I can draw N unless I can't. The way I do changes nearly all the time I need to make a design sheet for him or smth 😭#this is a doodle from 2 days ago didn't want to post it at first but honestly he is so cute looking here I need to share him with the world#don't be fooled by his sweet looks tho he will frikken murder you if he wants to. just you wait.#murder drones got me out of an artblock but did something to my artstyle too like what happened (what only drawing robots for 2 months#gay does to an artist) (NAH BUT WAIT TILL YOU SEE MY FIRST MD FANART it'll be funny) (it was of Uzi [ofc] and I got her design wrong on so#many levels remember to use more references than one render from the wiki kids)#okay time for the actual tags now#serial designation n#n murder drones#murder drones n#murder drones#my art#have a nice 24 hours and ONLY 24 hours. The rest of your hours shall be filled with misery and pain. /(serial designation) J
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i lied kuwameshi time NOW
#sorry for drawing yusuke like a muppet that's just how he looks in my style lmao. also it's funny to me#also i drew the is this gay?? one a month ago then didn't post it then made another post i was gonna include it in then forgot to include i#it has come a long way to see you all is my point. anyway#yyh#yu yu hakusho#kuwameshi#kazuma kuwabara#kuwabara kazuma#yusuke urameshi#urameshi yusuke#skrunkart#also i would like to add that the common perception kiss dynamic is also good i love that shit no worries. captain grabass yusuke right#but i think kissing freaks him out more bc it's a shared vulnerable thing y'know? it's mushy and you both gotta work for it#yyh puu#oh ALSO this is partially me making up for drawing hair-down kuwa with straight hair. genuinely don't know what i was thinking#i should also clarify that kuwabara's expecting a kiss with tongue because he thinks yusuke's a slut. that's all
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talking to my old trainer at the barn i used to work at because i need references and she sent me this picture of my horse friend
and i feel this image in my chest in a bad way lol. girl his spine. 🥴
#i love him very much and i hate knowing that he has to live in a stall and work in ways that hurt his body#it kind of looks like he's lost some topline since i was last there a couple years ago too which is like. predictable but sad#and the way this barn is “one of the better ones” like they don't treat people like shit the horses do not compete are not subject to many#of the worse techniques out there like they dont use spurs theyre not held chin to chest they dont beat the shit out of them etc#it could be worse. but this is still bad and kind of heartbreaking#but they think he's doing awesome. and they have the best of intentions and care about the horses a lot#just not enough to listen to anyone except for one specific french guy about how horses and dressage work lol it's very. silly#i think they are a little slow on business lately. possibly due to not updating their horse management/training practices since 1970.....#i mean it does also cost at least $2000/month to board your horse there lmao#if you are REALLY into niche as hell horse communities you may recognize this arena but if you do pretend you didn't please#me
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Sometimes getting back in touch with people you admire but have lost contact with falls in the category of "this is why you shouldn't meet your heroes," and other times it's more along the lines of "I remembered loving you but I'd forgotten how MUCH."
#a lin original#so. a couple years ago i got back in contact with my sixth grade writing teacher#who i credit with the fact that I'm a writer and an editor#and it SUCKED#in several ways - including that he told me about his sex life even when i said i didn't want to hear it#but anyway#today i got a text back from a college friend i hadn't heard from in years#but whose state I'll be visiting next month#I'd asked him to hang out and he just wrote back and I LOVE HIM SO MUCH#like the INSTANT sense of safety is truly amazing
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thinking about ninjago s6,,, specifically nadakhan and his relationship with his crew.
i just think it’s so interesting and also think it’s bull crap that he never cared for nor wanted them. first of all, jay was also under the assumption that he didn’t actually care about delara which he very obviously does, as we can see in ep10. and jay was also just trying to escape and was using any advantage he had—his voice was his biggest advantage at the time. but it was around the time jay came to the conclusion that nadakhan didn’t care about delara when he told flintlocke that nadakhan was just using him…
see, in ep2 after retrieving the realm crystal, nadakhan spends the night having fun with his crew and they all seem genuinely happy to be there! clancee himself states multiple times that he has no reason to wish for anything and that he best fits in with and feels welcomed with the crew. they’re singing and dancing and having fun… and when nadakhan says he’s going home, he invites them all with. he had every intention of bringing them with him not as servants or underlings but friends…
i can’t help but wonder what would have been different had delara not been dead. had the cursed realm not been destroyed, thus destroying djinjago in response.
because the thing is: it’s after he gets the sword and swears revenge when nadakhan begins hiding things from his crew. it’s then when he becomes more and more desperate. the further the season goes, the more jay pisses him off and thwarts him, the angrier and more desperate he becomes. you could call it a corruption of power, the things we do / give up for love, or even recklessness due to strong emotions.
when it comes to the crew’s betrayals, i really think jay planting the seed is what did it. flintlocke was already upset that nadakhan wasn’t sharing plans with him
clancee and dogshank are the ones hard to believe
nadakhan would’ve kept his crew around had the desperation not grown as terribly as audrey two and consumed him, had clancee not whispered to jay where the venom was. i honestly believe jay thought he was speaking the truth. if s6 emphasizes anything, it's that words are powerful. jay used his words to win in the end and to plant the seeds that eventually overtook and defeated nadakhan.
nadakhan seemed to have lost faith in his friends and that was his biggest downfall and that is what made him lose everything in the end. like yes, he's the villain and tbh i'm glad jay and the ninja won, but gosh if it doesn't just break my heart as i watch him slowly lose faith in his friends/team throughout s6 and how they probably wouldn't have even become proper villains had delara not died,,,
#found this in my drafts from like ten months ago#i actually went off with this omg#i stand by everything i said#s6 isn't the Best season but my God if it doesn't have it's just completely stand out moments#i hate the fact that it seems like nadakhan didn't actually care for his crew#HE DID!!! he was desperate and lost faith and jay was desperate to escape (i mean... fairly so lol) and so they both made desperate moves#so true past me#sorry guys going through my drafts in attempts to get them to under five hundred and saw this and was like 'yes i need to post this'#i was too right with this not to#ninjago#nadakhan#ninjago nadakhan#ninjago skybound
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..
#im so worried about this cat#every time I've been in the bathroom with him he'd use the litter box#and have diarrhea#and im afraid to know how much of it is actually blood#I'm so afraid of how this vet visit is going to go#how much its going to cost me#im not made out of money#i know it might seem like that#but im not#i try to be good about to when I buy something#i don't know what's going to happen#my credit limit is decent but not unlimited#and I'm afraid of what they'll say#that it's too late for him#that everything drug on too long for treatment to happen#im so furious about it#every 2 doors i try to open just gets slammed in my face#fuck the fucking er vet clinic that didn't do shit on Sunday#fuck the fucking county shelter with their stupid broken website#honestly fuck this vet clinic a little for refusing an exam nearly a month ago#and a big triple fuck you to the former owner for causing this mess#and honestly some more fuck yous to the county one they really really peeved me off#im just crying tears of frustration and sadness right now#this cat doesn't fucking deserve this shit#he's the best thing to happen to me all year#i don't want to lose him too
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Baby boy brother birthday photos from last year that I just realized I never uploaded!
#cats#also hopefully it's not weird to still post photos of George (the brown cat) even after his death a little while ago. I just have so many#beautiful old pictures of him that I still love but just never had the time to sort through or upload (my cat photos folder on my#computer had like 450 pictures in it or something lol... SO many). I feel like it's kind of just honoring or appreciating him#and not actually strange or anything. like what am I supposed to do. delete them?? I want to share them still because he is beautiful and#perfect ! idk. aNYWAY. Also this is their 2022 birthday when they turned 14 years old. (even though I think when I posted#their 2021 bday I might have said they were 14 then too. I was off by a year lol). 2023 when they turned 15 I unfortunately#was feeling kind of sick at the time and didn't really have the energy to do the decorations like I usually do. So they just got a few#treats and stuff. But I didn't know that would be george's last birthday lol. :/#They also do not really know or care though. they're cats who cannot process it or know the concept of birthdays so. eh#I still have no idea how these got lost on the computer though. Like I had them fully edited ready to post but just sitting in a folder??#Since MARCH 2022 lol... ??? the folder was in another folder of pictures so maybe that's how I overlooked it#But it's my 'once every 4 months computer organizing and clean out time' so I was going tghrough looking for pictures#I could drafts posts out of or sort or etc.#They got lots more treats for this birthday because one of my friends actually game me a few gifts for them#elderly boys.!!!!#I used to write in the little caption/image description sections to talk about them all individually but at some point tumblr broke that#feature and for so long they never saved or weren't visible so I stopped doing them and just ramble a bunch in the tags instead#but I kind of miss them. Thinking about old posts of the cats where I commented on each photo individually too lol.. the good ole days
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loudly bitching about someone over the phone for 40 minutes straight at work while coworkers sideeye me. sorry. i have never shown this behavior before and itll be another two years before i do it again
#THERAPEUTIC. incredible things happening.#this person. me and this guy both love this person. but Oh my God.#he called to tell me abt something that kind of pissed him off last night and i started talking about a month and a half ago#why are we handholding this grown ass person thru fomo and massive control issues. well. it's not a dealbreaker but i might blow up one day#oscillating between 'yes i love them' and 'i've been pissed for a month and a half'#the horrors of having a interconnected friend group? it's really just two people i would really really hate to lose. others wouldn't be as#affected but those two. i love them. and AGAIN it's not a dealbreaker it's just kind of a buildup of behaviors. anyone remember my bitchy#post about the fomo/anxiety essay#also smaller things like Why are you trying to micromanage two disc servers that you dont have to lift a fucking finger in#um. my beloved irl if you see this. you didn't. i do love her to death. you know i do#the issue is if i put out all my issues they would take it really badly like they would act like it's the end of the fucking world#when i'm just like hey i am not your mother or your therapist and also stop trying to tell me what to fucking do#they would. um. lose it.#and some people are gonna get hit in the crossfire and i don't want to cause that. even tho it. wouldnt really be me.
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I had been worried that cutting my dad off and distancing myself from him would put me in a difficult position with his side of the family but I've actually reconnected with a couple family members over how shitty he's been and it turns out I'm not the first one to stop talking to him, he's been blocked by like two of my aunts And my cousin
#my cousin texted me out of nowhere yesterday and we've been chatting which has been really nice#and I asked her like btw did my dad send you to talk to me and shes like oh God no I haven't talked to him since he got drunk and rampaged#and I was like oh which time and she's like the one a couple months ago and I was like ayy me too lmao#so! turns out the only person who is straining and breaking familial relationships is him 🤔#not that he'll ever see the pattern that his sister and aunt and two of his nieces AND his ex wife/baby mama AND his own kid#have told him to get his shit together and stop being an asshole to everyone#but yknow#if he stopped drinking it'd solve 25% of his problems and therapy would solve another 50%#but he refuses to stop drinking or listen to anyone but other brainwashed trumpheads so! fuck 'im#dad mention#alcohol mentioned#anyway. feeling better about my choice to stop talking to him#he went off on my mom today and called her a lot of horrible things and accused her of leading him on#when she has actively been telling him since they got divorced TEN YEARS AGO that nothing is ever happening w them again#but since he doesn't listen to her he didn't hear it and just dug his pity party hole deeper#anyway. back to my night having a nice time and having a good relationship with basically everyone else in my family#unlike some people 🍵 🐸
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mihoyo really will be like here is this whole cast of characters dozens upon dozens a good bunch of which especially strong and useful you can have whichever you want as long as you roll for them and I'll really be like thanks I think I'll fixate on that one free to play dude you dropped in my hands at the very beginning of the game every single time
#it was kaeya back when i played genshin it's dan heng now with star rail history truly repeats itself#I'll look at my five stars characters and go yeah but if i build a team around them I'll have to bench dan heng.....no thanks#no because like i was playing months and months ago yeah? but i never got any further than#halfway into belobog#? yeah. i didn't even have nat yet when i stopped#but then my best friend a couple weeks ago was like check out this dude they're dropping soon#it was ratio#i was like 👀👀👀#best friend was like you still got time to put aside the rolls 👀👀👀#because he's satan#so i start playing again#turns out they're giving me ratio for free anyway#just to keep the tradition going of me being obsessed with free to play dudes#but also all the better because it means I'll have the rolls to try for the other dan heng when they'll rerun him#anyway my point was that I started playing again#and i had a whole bunch of rolls saved up so i was like okay one for luck#i rolled argenti#which is so ridiculous I'm starting to think i wasted my pity on that but whatever point is i have argenti#but for a good team with him in it i have to bench dan heng so I'm just leaving him there ??? ridiculous#literally a whole roster of characters to choose from and I'm happy with the one i got in the first minute of gameplay#i might just be a gatcha game's worst enemy
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#tw trauma#venting#i know it's been over two years now and i should probably stop thinking/talking about this#but i can't get over how my ex behaved towards me despite knowing my past and trauma#how he kept pushing my boundaries and making me feel bad for even setting them despite very well KNOWING my reasons#like this dude KNEW about my past and STILL behaved this way#how he wanted me to “get help for my issues” but only as a disguise to get what HE wants#telling me that if i didn't get a therapist within the next year he'd break up#i forced myself to do things i never wanted and now deeply regret#i set a boundary and could watch it being ignored weeks later#when i broke up with him he wished terrible things for me and told me to fuck myself#and even after that he kept on trykng to contact me on every possiblr social media months after#last time he contacted me was in july this year.....we broke up OVER 2 YEARS AGO#i'm glad i left but i have so much unresolved shit that i just cannot let it go#like that shit sits deep#this is so much oversharing i'm so sorry#will probably regret posting this and delete but i had to get it out#can't keep annoying my friends with this#again sorry
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sometimes at work i get emails about changes in our department that i feel are 100% because of me. and maybe that's just me being anxious and paranoid but actually it certainly isn't.
#one time i was working at our drive thru window (that's something we have for some reason) and trying to empty the drop bins at the#same time. but the problem with that is the drop bins are LITERALLY halfway across the library#and my boss was working in the workroom at the time (which he almost never does bc he has an office)#so he saw that everytime i managed to get across the library then id get 3 books on a cart before the bell at the drive up window rang again#and that happened like 4 times in a row#not like he got up to do it though. just sat there pretending he didn't see it#then the next day we got an email from him requesting the way we empty the drop bins change#and YESTERDAY i was reading a book at the check out desk because of a DIFFERNT change in our department#bc we used to check books in at the desk too. but for some reason we stopped doing that a few months ago#so since then it's been terminally boring to work up there esp. since i work in the evening when there's less people at the library#but TODAY we got an email saying that we shouldn't be reading physical books up there#even though i keep my head on a swivel so that i can see when patrons come up#next thing you know he's gonna say we can't listen to music or ebooks at the drive up window. it's all horseshit. it not like i care though#whatever mike. you're bald anyway.#it feels passive aggressive to me. just pull me aside and say it to my face#and he said that it was a request from someone who works outside of our department so what the FUCK do they know about it#and i'm almost certain i know who it was. stupid as fuck. grrrr bark bark bark bark#i like my job i swear i like my job. but sometimes my job is stupid and it sucks.
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okay so i am once again in a bit of a pickle due to the fact that i never learn from my mistakes :)
#there's this guy at work that i kind of fancy right?#not the guy from a couple of years ago this is another one and tbh i like him way more like we really vibe#and a couple of months ago we kind of started flirting as a joke? like at first it wasn't even flirting we just paid each other compliments#but it. kind of got out of hand? like now we're DEFINITELY flirting and we hug every time we see each other and so on#and like today he kind of asked me out?? like he asked when we're gonna go out and i generically said whenever he wants so uhhh#i bought some time but also i basically said yes OOPS#like ive been thinking i need to chill and slow this down until i figure it out but then i apparently can't stop running my fucking mouthhhh#the thing is. before the summer i did this whole thing to kind of reconnect w my ex#and things seemed to kind of work even though we didn't get together and also she's gonna be out of town for at least another year#but it's not like i have any certainty that when she comes back we're gonna get back together or anything#it's just. she's the love of my life and half the time i think there's no point in dating other people#and then the other half i think i really need to get over it#but the thing is i really care about this guy. i don't want to end up hurting him at all which is probably gonna happen if i keep doing this#I ALWAYS DO THISSSSSS#I ALWAYS JOKINGLY FLIRT W PEOPLE AND THEN IT GETS REAL AND IM OH SHIT NVM DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT
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I have a lot of religious guilt around being angry, especially being angry at someone, and it's so funny talking about it with my therapist because I'll admit something like "I feel like Im in a constant low level state of resentment" or that Im thinking something slightly harsh about a person and my therapist will be sitting in his seat like
#I had a therapy rupture with him a few months ago and apparently Im not all that great at hiding extreme anger he just didn't say anything#cause we were working thru it#and now Im like 'well shit Im like sitting over here telepathically blowing u up with my mind so I guess that makes sense'#Cause Im still stuck in the 'thought life' mindset of my thoughts affecting other people besides me#and I'll get self destructive in a 'well if I self destruct you HAVE to help me then'#type of way that I know is unhealthy but I don't usually act on it. it's more just the impulse/urge#but it all stems from the idea that suffering is holy somehow#and if I suffer enough then I'll get somewhere#basically a speed run to empathy cause I didn't get care otherwise because I just needed to pray more or whatever#and now I'm learning to just let my emotions pass thru#hopefully not like diarrhea but unfortunately constipation can cause diarrhea#so ig I'll figure out my anger soon and how to let it just pass thru#its just so funny watching him get excited about me being openly angry cause that's progress#me: 'biting and biting and biting and biting and biting'#therapist: 'this is good. this is progress great job <3'#ex christian#religious trauma
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been telling my siblings 'you would NOT make it in vulcan academy' when they do smth goofy recently and nobody's been able to refute lol
#just me hi#listen here you little idiot... [<- fond]#anyway i've been doing this for months and it brings me much joy hbfhsvh#to me it's just an academy. with vulcans. and they are NOT getting enrolled loll#//so speaking of siblings i've been off and about with my dad more often#which is cool but that means spending a lot more time away from my siblings and ouhhrhrhrhrhrhrhhghhhhhhhhh#[tears in eyes]#my buddies :( Where Are My Buddies :( lmaoo#staring out car windows yearnily bc i want my brother's opinion + dumb joke combo on some random thought i had but he's miles AWAYYYYYYYYYY#i'm home rn but like. Man hfbhsfbvh#//oh man but here was one time one of them used the academy thing on me and i could only sputter. touche motherfunker lolllll#//anyway i am exploding all of them with my mind [<- endearing]#my youngest siblings do art (because they saw me doing it [funkin dies and explodes and cries and stares at a wall forever] lol <3) and#they're ! ! ! ! ? ? ? ?#leo does humanoids + has a more geometric style atm and it's really cool!! he keeps asking me to help him draw hands but he asks me at like#1 a.m. when my brain isn't working practically anymore so it's just me going 'yea and the thumb bone connects to the hip bone. +~Somehow~+#[mystery chimes]' and then he goes off on some sort of random thought and we are derailed forever hgbbfhsh#and ruff is so good at drawing animals it's insane. like have you seen this kid's cats they are Sick ! ! ! i genuinely did a double-take#when i saw her stuff a couple months ago loll#/and then my older siblings are v into video games#which is cool bc if i am ever bored they have like 5000 things that i can suffer on while we all laugh hfbhsfhv#i think i'm still helping test one of apollo's games that he's working on -#he's learning code and all kinds of cool stuff - also he's insanely good at blender like Woauhghsgh. wizard shizz hbfhsvb#+ reed helps him w/ that bc i believe he's the architecture guy lol :) - also it turns out reed n i share a lot of opinions on media and#stuff so that's awesome :D he didn't know what whump was but he liked all the points of it so i tried explaining that to him the best i#could hbshfv o7#+ chess has been trying to convince me to give him + leo a ~mystery~ story to play and i finally caved lmjfhsjf#he's real good at the clues it's going well :3 i am scared for my life HFBVhsfvh#also trying to convince him to play kartrider w/ me again cuz i have leo on it now and we need a 3rd okay-to-decent player in our soon-to-b#posse Loll :33 //i ran out of tag space... ouhhh..... okay then.. ciao ciao toodles :D
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