#like fuck- i APPLIED as a lab tech- i HAVE a science degree and lab expereince- but im a driver on the lowest payscale

[ms-demeanor]

(remaking the post because you can't edit polls and i gave the wrong options)

Alright I'm registering for classes and someone needs to talk me out of doing stupid shit but I'm unsure of what shit is stupidest.

Winter term:

I just finished an 8-week photo class that ended up being a huge investment in time just to go and shoot. However that was introductory photography and there is a 6-week intermediate photography class over winter term. I am signed up for photography. (Elective option for AA in Visual Arts)

There is also a 6-week introductory python course over winter term that I am signed up for and will be taking. I'm solid on that one, as long as I pass my C# class this term I'm going to be taking Python for 6 weeks at the beginning of the year.

Spring term:

College Chemistry Saturday class. 7am to 12pm for sixteen weeks. Lab and lecture; this school doesn't offer any chem classes that are after standard 9-5 hours during the regular week or that can be taken even partially online. Pretty sure I'm going to be stuck with this one and am configuring the rest of my schedule around being *less* miserable because of this class.

Survey of Western Art - Online, seems like a gimme. Does have a textbook but not one that I'm going to pay for. (Required for AA in Visual Arts)

2-Dimensional Design - Online, seems fun and like a gimme, Free/No textbook. (Required for AA in Visual Arts)

Object-Oriented Programming - Online, seems difficult, expensive textbook. Will probably be very necessary if I end up going down a more CS/tech path. Probably going to force myself to take this class.

Java Programming - Online, seems not unapproachable, expensive textbook. I don't particularly wanna but my school offers really limited options for computer science and I want to get what I can out of it before I go somewhere else.

Rationale for these weird combinations:

I'm applying as a nursing student at three schools and a biochem student at one of those schools (nutrition programs are apparently only for first-time students; 2nd Bachelor's applications are a lot more limited. I could apply to major in Francophone Studies at one of the schools though). Supposing I get accepted, these classes certainly won't hurt my status at any school that accepts me and the chemistry class is going to be really really necessary. This is the "i give a fuck about nutrition science and also directly helping people" path and if I go this way I'm interested in NP programs down the line. LOTS more school of the serious "I can't work and do this kind of school at the same time" variety.

If I *don't* get accepted to the programs I'm applying to, I'm going to go to a different community college and start working on a couple of AS degrees in computer junk (network admin and security management, computer and networking technology) and get some computer junk certs. I don't think I want/need a BS in compute science, this is the "practical" route of "I could finish this stuff pretty easily and continue working in a field where I have a lot of connections and familiarity with the industry but I am indifferent about a lot of it (pretty passionate about security and accessibility tho). Also allows me to keep working while I just churn school in the background, and all of the computer classes are transferable between the two schools.

Art classes: I think having multiple degrees is funney. I am currently 5 classes away from an AA in visual arts, at the end of this term I will be 4 classes away; if I take all the classes here and can take an elective over the summer I'll have a degree in visual arts. (There is a reasonable possibility that I'll continue taking bullshit classes behind the scenes to get silly degrees regardless of what happens otherwise)

Pretty sure the sensible thing is to drop *at least* photography and survey of western art and also possibly Java and 2D design. I'm somewhat concerned that if my spring term is just Saturday chem and object oriented programming I will start biting things.

So:

[mr-jaybird]

actually, reblogging that post about not looking down on community college makes me want to talk about my experiences and career to show like look. you don't have to do what your high school guidance counselor said was best

at 19 (august birthday), i went straight from high school to a four year college. i did really well academically but my mental health was BAD and after two years admin insisted i leave to receive treatment. straight up would not let me be at school anymore (undiagnosed bipolar is a bitch)

at 21 i dropped out and worked for $7.25/hr at starbucks and also got mental health treatment (and meds!!!). at 22 i went back to school at community college part time and knocked out some gen eds (and also a couple classes just for fun, like theater)

at 24 i went to a different 4 year school. i changed my major (to psych), did three years there and graduated with an excellent gpa and extensive research experience (i busted my ass there, and since i took time off to get healthy, it went a lot better!). since i'd knocked out most of my gen eds, i got to concentrate on classes i cared about. my last year i was a part time student and worked as a paid research assistant more extensively, and did a honors thesis. i also taught myself the basics of programming my last year

i graduated at 26 and got my first programming and data science job (in fintech, blegh). it was terrible. my degree was largely unrelated and they didn't give me any training. they also expected constant unpaid overtime. i was just trying to hang in there and make enough to pay my rent. i actually was struggling so much i almost got fired. i had something of a nervous breakdown but stayed there long enough (18 months) to get a better job in the same field

at 28 i went back to the tech side of public mental health health (yay! and my degree is sorta relevant again). i worked for government. their tech stack was...less than corporate, and i was pretty bored. but i did really well there since i was overqualified! but they wouldn't promote me because i had the "wrong" degree :(

i was planning to leave that job because of no upward mobility when i was invited to apply for my current job, which is the head of data science for a public mental health lab at a public ivy university. they had heard of me from my boss's boss at my government job (networking!). i got that job just before i turned 30. my first year there was really stressful because of the neglect of my predecessor. i had another nervous breakdown. but this job was cool about my mental health and gave me a paid leave and i was able to fully recover and come back and thrive. i love what i do now and at 31, i'm getting a significant promotion from where i was when i started here!

the point of all of this is, i did a lot of things people think are "wrong". i took gap years, i dropped out, i changed my major, i went to community college, i had the "wrong" major, i had to take mental health leaves, etc etc. but i'm still successful and happy with my career! when i was working at starbucks and sleeping on a friend's air mattress i thought i'd be there forever. you never know what might happen in the future (good or bad).

if you can avoid having 3(!) nervous breakdowns in a decade that's better than i've done. but listen: i've failed. i've fucked up. i've been kicked out of school and almost fired and i've come back from it! i had to go on a mental health leave from my current job and they are still really happy with everything i've done there (now i'm just working on doing it in a way that's more sustainable). you don't have to be a perfect person to do well.

and seriously, community college saves a ton of $$$ and no one has ever cared i knocked out my gen eds there. you don't have to follow the "traditional" path, you just need to find something that works for you!

[flyingsliceofpie]

Am I a Good Worker (tm)

Or am I putting up with more shit than it's worth

[officialcolumbiauniversity]

impostor syndrome in STEM

This is a post I wrote before Columbia required students to move out due to the pandemic.

February 25. I thought I’d write about this because I was reading a blog post about impostor syndrome to make myself feel better and remembered I have a blog. And people would probably like to hear what I’m thinking.

I spent all of yesterday in lab, which if you don’t remember from my last post is brand-spankin’-new and super fancy and is all sorts of out of my league knowledge-wise. My PI and I chatted about what project I’d start working on, and afterwards I stuck around to ask him questions about the laser lab because I realized that I wasn’t really asking questions when it was him and the grad students with me. So I felt safe asking the questions I did, which included “why don’t we have to lint-roll our entire body if we have to dust our shoes before entering the lab?” (the answer was efficiency) and “what’s the point in having two lenses if one makes the laser smaller and the other just makes it bigger again?” (the answer had something to do with focusing and cleaning the beam) and other questions that I thought were inane and stuff I should have been able to understand from the papers I read. He was very nice about answering all my questions and walking me through a dumbed-down version of optics in general.

I told my PI after that I don’t ask a lot of questions in lab because I can’t tell the difference between questions that I should know the answer to and waste everyone’s time, and questions that would actually create productive discussion. And he responded that there’s no such thing as a dumb question, which of course I already know since professors say that all the time. But I didn’t realize until this morning how much I do believe there is such a thing as a dumb question, and that I ask too many of them.

The thing is, I truly feel as though I’m not smart enough to make it as a scientist. I feel like everything I think of has already been thought and answered, and I can’t remember the last time I had an original thought. I feel like I ask questions that a tourist would ask, not questions that someone about to get involved in the research would ask. 

I think that this blog makes me look like a STEM major who knows what they’re doing and is enthusiastic about their career as a scientist, wherever it may take them. But I just want to make it clear that I am not effortlessly enthusiastic about it: most of the time I’m paralyzed by fear about not making it into a top 10 chem grad school and then either becoming a lab tech for the rest of my scientific career or going into a different field and wasting this expensive-ass degree. I have a sub-3.0 GPA, and it’s preventing me from applying for fellowships that literally everyone seems to do, like SURF in the bio department, which sophomores and freshmen get effortlessly. I’m terrified for this summer because if I don’t figure something out soon I’m going to waste the last summer I have, the only summer where I can actually create connections and a network to figure something out post-grad. And obviously I can’t apply to grad schools with a 2-something GPA. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.

But it’s not just my GPA that bothers me. These classes I’m taking, like right now I’m taking linear algebra and physics, should be easy As. I love both subjects and I feel like I’ve mastered the material we’ve covered so far and I feel confident solving p-sets. But when I go to pick up my graded p-sets, I have to flip through everyone else’s 15/15s and 41/42s to find my 9/15 and 38/42. These are classes that I’m over-prepared for, classes that are filled with freshmen, classes where professors go out of their way to help everyone get the highest grade possible. And to see myself get average and below-average grades is bewildering and beyond disheartening.

I try to make myself feel better by reminding myself “science isn’t about good grades it’s about being a curious and thorough researcher,” but then I come into the research lab and can’t think of a single other question than ones about the technicalities of the lab set-up. I ask about mirrors and lasers and why the room is always dark, when I feel like I should be asking questions about -- well I honestly don’t even know. Like the math or concepts or something. I ended up dropping a class that I was really excited about taking this semester, because it’s a grad course and I felt uncomfortable asking questions so I just fell too far behind. Other students asked really thoughtful questions and I just asked questions about notation.

So, yeah. That’s how I feel a majority of the time. I wonder every day what makes me cut out for my major, and if I’m trying hard enough. I don’t even know if I should be going into academia, because I’m not exactly excited by the idea of being plagued with impostor syndrome my whole career, no matter how many other people also experience it. 

But I haven’t ever stopped trying in my major. And I guess that’s my point, at least of this post: I’m hopeful that science isn’t about having the grades or knowing everything, in the long run. I’m hopeful that whatever I have right now is worth something, and that I’ll be able to build a career I love on top of it. But the purpose of this post was just to let you guys know that for many undergrads here preparing for STEM careers, there’s no amount of prestige that can get rid of these insecurities. For example, even if I did get into my dream grad school (Stanford), I’d be constantly worried that I fluffed my application to make myself look good and they let me in unwittingly. So, no, being in a major I love doesn’t protect me from all the post-undergrad anxieties.

Update: it’s March 29, the day I’m posting this, and as you well know COVID-19 is in full swing in the US. Columbia was quick to send all students home, and ultimately decided that this semester would be graded on a pass/fail basis for all students, with no exceptions. If you’re unfamiliar with the system, the key piece of info is that Pass grades have no weight on your GPA, but Fail grades do (as a 1.0). Many people argue that a mandatory P/F system is beneficial to students who can’t study under their current situations, and I agree with that. I personally can’t study effectively in my situation. But I’m also panicking over the fact that I won’t be able to boost my GPA this semester, leaving me with a shitty GPA for yet another year (if we return in the fall). Many internships I was in the process of applying to will be revoked, if not because of the pandemic then because my personal statement claiming “my GPA by the start of this internship will have been brought up by my efforts this semester” will be absolutely inaccurate. Applying to grad school in the fall is a laughable wish; I’ll need to take a gap year most likely, since I won’t be able to land a job. What I really need is for Passes to weigh as 4.0s, but I doubt the university will do that. Anyways, that was just an update on the GPA part of the rant above. Hope y’all are staying safe.

[husbandogodess]

Any Price for You Chapter 1: A Chance Meeting

Pairing(?): Quentin Beck aka Mysterio/Reader

Content Warnings: Depression, emotional manipulation, manipulation, and references to depression

Also available to read on AO3

Six years ago, the direction [Y/N]'s life was in question. Prior to the Blip, she recently graduated college with a duo degree in computer science and engineering with no jobs lined up. Her days were filled with hours browsing the internet and filling out applications for jobs related in her field. When she wasn't doing that, she was either at her 9-5 job as a cashier or she spent her time researching new tech and coming up with her own ideas. Seeing tech giants like Tony Stark creating invention after another filled her motivation to keep trying. There was even a small binder in her tiny apartment bedroom that was filled to the brim with sketches, tiny details scrawled next to each design. She hoped that someone would see the potential in her and maybe, her life would truly begin.

However, over the course of the next year, that hope dwindled and was akin to an old lighter always making a spark but never lighting up. Almost no one followed-up on her application and the few that did looked almost disappointed that a woman was throwing ideas at a bunch of older, white male executives. They let her down easy by never calling her back instead of saying that they were just afraid of her having better, more innovative ideas. The other option was to make her tech but with what resources? There were no materials because there was never enough money in her bank account to afford them. Plus, in order to create new tech, she needed a suitable lab to do and the apartment she had was no such place.

Soon enough, the Blip came. While she had her usual morning tea in a nearby cafe focused reviewing in what was her binder, the sounds of drinks falling to the establishment’s floor accompanied by the patrons’ screams took her out of her concentration. People were just turning into ash and disappearing. Confusion was the first feeling she felt. The next was desire. She desired to be one of them. She wanted to be taken away from a direction-less, meaningless life. Unfortunately for her, that never happened.

Life is cruel, huh?

Life went on for everyone, including [Y/N]. With no one to spend time, she found herself completely alone. Ideas for Inventions, technology, and making innovations to already published works were her only companions. Yes, she may be around survivors of the Blip, but they never tried to speak with [Y/N] because she was always busy looking in her binder and adding to it.

Until someone did.

December 19th, 2020. It was a cold, wintry day. The snow was light so [Y/N] was able to take the short walk down to her usual spot, the cafe. She ordered chamomile tea,it had become a favorite of hers during her years in college. She quickly thanked the server and took a seat towards the back so no one and no noise from outside could ruin her concentration. She put in her earbuds and started playing an old favorite of hers, “Livin’ Thing” by Electric Light Orchestra. Once the tone started to kick in, she took a deep breath and opened her binder. During her last brainstorming session, [Y/N] had come up with innovations to drones. She knew that the missing Tony Stark already had fantastic and beyond industry standard drones. They could project images that are so pristine, it's hard for people to tell the difference between the projection and reality. However, there's always more to improve upon them. Maybe the memory or storage capacity so it could hold more than just one scenario like Stark had suggested at the press conference where he announced the new technology crudely named BARF, Binary Augmented Retro Framing. Sure, it can be used for therapy but if it can pull up more scenarios, the more the user can do.

"If that does happen, the battery will have to be upgraded. But is battery life anyway?" [Y/N] mumbled to herself. She tapped her pen to the rhythm of the ELO song, trying to remember back to the conference. It was at times like this she had wished she did work in the tech field. Maybe then, she would know. Maybe then, her life would hold some meaning and excitement again.

This line of thinking opened the floodgates and her failures to get a job came rushing in. She felt tears prickle at the edge of her dark, sunken eyes. It was like she was stranded in the middle of the sea. She laid on an almost destroyed boat and one last rough wave would be the end of her.

Suddenly, [Y/N] felt a tap on her shoulder. She wiped away her tears and looked behind her to see a Caucasian man. The man, maybe in his mid-30s, sheepishly smiled at her. He looked so much better for wear compared to her. His beard was kept, and his hair was combed back, no little stray hairs like [Y/N]’s.

[Y/N] took out her earbuds and tried to put on her best smile. IY/N] wanted to smack herself. He heard her mumbling or her crying. Either way, it was an embarrassing position to be in.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear you talk about technology.” He commented. “I was curious on what you were thinking about?”

[Y/N] raised her eyebrows. “You mean this?” She grabbed her binder and showed him. On the page you showed him was a picture of one of Stark’s drones with little notes, including one about the therapeutic tech he showcased on one of drones during that conference including notes about BARF.

“Yes, that!” The mysterious man perked up when he saw the page loaded with information. In a few moments, the man moved his chair to your side and was too close for comfort. He didn’t even ask you if he could join you. But when you noticed he had a look of familiarity as he overlooked the work. It was when he glanced at your note of the acronym, BARF, when his disappeared.

“Fucking Stark…” He cursed under his breath.

“You know, I never liked that name for the tech. The acronym that is. It’s terribly named.” You commented.

“Yes, it was. When me and the other Stark Industry employees heard about the name, we all wanted to gag ourselves."

Your eyes widen. Wait, you were in the presence of a Stark employee?!

“Ah, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Quentin Beck. Yours?” The cloud in his eyes left him and became bright again. He smiled at [Y/N].

“My name is [Y/N]. It’s nice to meet a fellow innovator, especially someone of your talents! I wish-”

“I saw you had a ton of notes, some pertaining to the capabilities of the projector. Do you mind telling me what you had in mind?” Quentin cut [Y/N] off. Normally, she would be upset by the rudeness but oddly enough, she wasn’t here. Perhaps it had been because Quentin was like her, a passionate techie. It also showed he looked over her notes. None of the people she applied for seemed to care for what ideas she had or what she had to say. She felt this sense of warmth in her body and she couldn’t help but genuinely smile at the man in-front of her.

"Well, I was thinking of doing more with the projection capabilities. Stark mentioned how he it could be used to help people with PTSD deal with trauma. While that's all well and good, I was hoping we can push the envelope." [Y/N] went on. "It's just that I don't know any of the specs like the battery life."

Quentin sat there for a moment, processing what [Y/N] had just said. His smile grew wider. "How would you feel if I told you I knew all of that and more? You see, I'm the one who made that tech."

If [Y/N]'s jaw could hit the floor, it would. She stared at the man, trying to find a tell to see if he was lying. Stark, an absolute genius, didn't come up with this tech? Did he really just steal it from this guy?

"Hard to believe, I know but I can prove it to you." he grabbed [Y/N]'s shoulder and squeezed it. “What do you say, sweetheart?"

“I would be dumb to say no, especially if you’re the genius behind that piece of tech.” [Y/N] replied.

At [Y/N]’s words, Quentin smirked.

Author’s Note: Y’all best be prepared for some shit. Quentin is a complete asshole so I’m going to treat him like one.