#like for two months my life has revolved around this single week (i’m insane)

[yaralulu]

wdym lucien week is over.

[ozzdog12]

2020 Top 7 (and 1)

2020 am I right? We saw an insane amount of games come out and 2 brand new consoles. What a wild and weird year for gaming, and life in general. In case you are relatively new here, and to be honest that would be completely fair considering I don't post very often on Tumblr anymore, every year going on the last 4 years (on here) I have done a Top 7 (& 1) for my favorite videogames of the year. Check out 2019, 2018, & 2017. What’s wild, as I look back on my list of games that I’ve completed and played, only maybe 10 came out this year. 2020 was a huge backlog year. 

Lets get on with the ‘And 1!”

Favorite Game that Didn’t Come out in 2020: Control (PS4)

Control may very well have been my 2019 Game of the Year, had I played it in 2019. I LOVED Control. I wanted to play it in 2019, but initial reports that it was a little rough on base consoles put me off until it was fixed. And Holy smokes what an insanely fun and trippy game once I finally started it. I knew within the first 20 minutes this was going to be the shit when I went down a hall, walked into a room and talked to the “janitor” left out a door behind him and the entire building had shifted. I’ve always liked Remedy games, but from a distance. Max Payne 1&2 and Alan Wake all oozed with weirdness and intrigue, but never enough for me to finish them. I missed out on Quantum Break. The story is Control is just the right amount of mind f*!$ for me and builds a universe I didn’t know I needed. It take some time to piece everything together, then everything just clicks. The game does have a weird difficulty spike when fighting bosses and the checkpoints were too far apart at times, but those were later patched. I spent an insane amount of time within the Federal Bureau of Control building and even more time after that with the Foundation and AWE DLC and it STILL wasn’t enough. I wanted more. Outside of Prey, I can’t think of another game that stuck in my brain more after I’d finished it. Control is absolutely a MUST PLAY title. In a world where everything sort’ve feels similar, Control stands out of the crowd.

Number 7: Astro’s Playroom (PS5)

I never thought in my wildest dreams that a game I had almost zero interest in playing would end up on my list of favorite games this year. Astro’s Playroom is being labeled as a ‘Tech demo’ but that feels like an insult to what it is. It’s a full fledged game and its free! I’ve paid more for less. A charming little platformer that lives and breathes the history of the Playstation. So many cool Easter eggs and references. It certainly centers its gameplay around the DualSense controller and everything it can do, but at its core, its a completely approachable and forgiving 3D platformer. I played it just to see what it was about, next thing i knew I had completed all the levels and wanted to further explore all the nooks and crannies within the game. I wanted to see everything the game had to offer and I had an absolute blast doing so. Makes me kinda wish I’d played the previous game on PSVR (I’d have to have a PSVR too)

Number 6: Spider-Man: Miles Morales (PS5)

Another quality title, albeit a spin-off, from Insomniac to add to their Spider Man universe. Gameplay felt obviously like Spider-Man, but Miles has unique abilities that made the game feel different enough, especially the cloak and stealth. I enjoyed the fact that it was short and concise. The issue with most ‘open-world’ games is that they are entirely too bloated with unnecessary filler content (I’ll get to that in a later game), something I felt the first game suffered from, but I also understand why they are there. However I could’ve use one or two more story missions to help flesh out some characters, but it wasn’t required and didn’t change my opinion one way or the other. My one BIG gripe was with Miles himself. He is an extremely smart young kid, but so incredibly naïve. Peter Parker tells him the one thing he SHOULD NOT do is tell people he is Spider-Man. I get it, that’s part of his growth, but Miles thinks he can just solve his problems by revealing his identity and it almost certainly never works out. 

Number 5: The Last of Us: Part 2 (PS4)

The Last of Us Part 2 may be the most polarizing game in the history of the medium, but for the absolute wrong reasons. I’m in the minority that I very much enjoyed my experience with TLOU2, quite a bit actually. Its better in every single way over its predecessor, except the overall story. There are plenty of fair criticisms to be had about the story and various things within the game itself, but I thought the gameplay was so tight and crunchy. There were genuine moments of suspense and terror that I felt that no other game has ever given me. The entire hospital section (2nd time) was so susensful, I had to put my controller down to gther myself. Some of my favorite moments in the series I experienced with a character I wasn’t overly fond of. How many games can do that? The Last of Us Part 2 was meant to invoke emotion, not necessarily joy. I think that's what people lost along the way. Say what you will about the direction Naughty Dog has taken over the years, but you would be hard pressed to find a studio that makes games graphically better than they do. Yes, I know about their crunch culture, but this is not a place for that. I will say, the game was a tad bit too long, which is not something it typically say for a single player, narrative driven game. The pacing and the way the story was told wasn’t my favorite, but I respect what it was trying to do, even if it failed in some aspect of that, I finished the game within the week it was released. Something I RARELY ever do. I’m a father and I related with Joel a lot in TLOU, but I also recognized how wrong he was. There is a lesson to be learned. Your actions always have consequences and while he was doing what he thought was the right thing, it wasn’t his choice to make, and in doing so set up a series of events that were entirely avoidable, but again, that’s the point isn’t it?

Number 4: Grindstone (Switch)

I’m counting this as a 2020 game since it just came to the Switch this year ( less than a month ago) but its not the first time I’ve played it. Grindstone was the only reason I kept my Apple Arcade subscription and when I let it lapse, there was a void I just couldn’t fill. I bought Puzzle Quest on Switch but it just wasn't the same. Its THE perfect game for bite sized play, even though in its addictive nature, you’ll clear a few levels and an hour has passed before you know it. It has the perfect amount of depth that most ‘match’ games don't. You have different weapons, items, and outfits w/perks to use and experiment with to keep it fresh. I went months without playing my Switch and when this was announced in August, I couldn’t wait! Sadly, I had to wait 3 months, but since then I have spent so much time on the Switch. It gave me a reason to play it again. The art style and humour is great. The variety of enemies and challenge is just right. I can’t recommend it enough. Seriously, check this game out!

Number 3: Doom Eternal (Xbox One)

I will be the first to tell you, I did not like Doom (2016). I found it extremely boring and trite. I understood what Doom(2016) was doing and it succeeded, maybe too much. Nostalgia is a helluva thing. So in saying that, I was mildly interested in Doom Eternal. Doom Eternal is nothing like 2016 outside of it being a Doom game that connects to the rest of them (& also being a sequel to 2016). The mechanics are drastically different with more platforming (for better or worse). Eternal is challenging, at times very hard, especially early on. Eternal has no respect for its players, in a weirdly good way. It laughs at how you’ve played FPS before this one and WILL MAKE you play it its way, not your way. Yes, you point and shoot, but ammo is scare and you MUST use everything in your arsenal. No more using just 2 guns for the whole game. The enemies are relentless. Sometimes you have to pause and take a breath after a battle because you go a 100 mph for the whole fight. You have to continuously move or you die. There is an enticing rhythm to it. I categorize Eternal as ‘Blood Ballet’. Its a game where when your feeling it, much like a rhythm game, you get in the zone and there is no stopping demons from getting slayed. Surprisingly, unlike most games in the genre, it seemed to get easier (sans one extremely frustrating platforming section late in the game) the longer you played it. Was that a testament that I ‘learned’ the Eternal way or it truly did get easier? I don’t know, but the final Boss(es) were....easy.. I had more problems and deaths within the first 4 hours than I did the final 8-9 hours. The multiplayer was also surprisingly fun. The older I get, the less interested I am in multiplayer, but I found myself coming back for more for a good month or so. 

Number 2: Gears Tactics (Xbox One)

As 2020 comes to a close, I came to a stunning realization. I might be a bigger Gears of War fan than I had previously thought. Don’t get me wrong. I love Gears, but I seem to love Gears more than I thought. I'm way more invested into the lore than I recall. Anyways, Gears Tactics is everything XCOM 2 SHOULD’VE been. Not only does Gears Tactics utilize the Overwatch action, its makes it EXTREMELY important. The story revolves around the father of Kait Diaz, Gabe and a ragtag group of mostly random soldiers to take down Ukkon. Anyone who is remotely interested in the Gears universe will love the story and references. The gameplay is just so damn satisfying. The bosses are very challenging and different. I actually had to change my strategy to finish the final boss. I experimented with a totally different style of class and was rewarded for it. The post game stuff is also aplenty. This game scratched a VERY specific itch for me and I’m itchy to jump back in. I’m glad this came to Xbox One because I’m current computer could not run it.

Number 1: Ghost of Tsushima (PS4)

I have a very odd relationship with massive open world games. I love them, but I get very burnt out on them. They all have a relatively same-y formula and are often populated with bloat. GoT does have some of that but to its advantage, its not very populated, in a good way. One of the things that I really appreciated about GoT and its side quest is most of them felt meaningful. The thing that really stood out to me about GoT is the absolutely satisfying combat. It just feels SO GOOD. It requires timing and patience. There are different fighting styles for different enemies and even the armor you wear is more than just cosmetic. The combat is so fun and satisfying that I was immediately excited when they announced Legends, a multiplayer add on, for free. Its so much fun and is a blast to play with a group of friends. I’m sporadically still playing the Legends mode. I initially wanted to play the game in ‘Kurosawa’ mode but I am glad I didn’t because the game, even on the PS4 is stunning, and on the upgrade on PS5 is jaw-droppingly smooth. I did play the entire game in Japanese with English subtitles. I still don't know what Jin’s English voice sounds like. GoT does a good job a drip feeding you new abilities and things to keep things fresh. I love stealth and once I unlocked it, I spent the majority of every battle taking out as many enemies as I could while in stealth mode. Ghost of Tsushima does a lot of things very well, that the few things it doesn’t can be easily overlooked.

[chiveburger]

man.... so many things have been happening in the last couple weeks (?) and in full honesty, a lot of those initial problems haven’t been solved but I had a solid 3 hour talk with my mom about EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE THING and I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. this is also going to be long as fuck which is why it’s kept under a tab but basically...

I’ve been wanting to move back to hong kong for many many years now. for a combination of reasons, but mainly because I wanted my whole family (and my cats) to be together in one house together. which is something that has never happened for a prolonged period of time. my dad has worked in hong kong since I was a baby and for the last 20 some years we’ve made do just by flying back and forth. I stopped visiting hong kong every summer during the last two years of high school and then subsquently university (and the last time I visited for in 2013 after my high school graduation). so part of me has always held onto the idea that when the timing is right we will all move back, and for the last couple months and starting quarantine really when I stopped working the idea of finally making that decision was starting to be discussed. a major reason why we stayed in canada was because I was still in school, and then I worked up until the last year. I love vancouver, I have my friends here and I’m comfortable here but I also want to find work elsewhere, I want to see how it is in hong kong and more than that... I just want my family to be together. that’s always been something I wanted, but for that to happen there has to be so many prerequisite steps. so many that it’s been such a daunting and heavy subject to approach. for me, my biggest worry is relocating my cats to such a vastly different environment but they’re also the one thing that I can’t give up. I would rather stay here until they died naturally then ever THINK of giving them away, and the only options for me were to 1) relocate them back to hong kong and we all leave or 2) to stay in vancouver with them. 

so, after a lot of other events and discussions we did “decide” on the latter and I requested a quote from a pet relocation company in vancouver. It was fairly reasonable and for me at the moment I really thought that this was the first stepping stone in leaving canada... but after MORE discussion with my dad they can’t seem to justify leaving right this moment, especially during the pandemic. which makes sense, and to have the one solid agreed upon decision is a relief. even though to me, it feels like we’re again treading water and we’re back at square one. so I’m in this state of feeling happy because I don’t really have to think about this anymore and my cats don’t have to go through the insane journey of travelling to hong kong verses like, we kind of accomplished nothing and we’re still not together in the same city, same house. It’s a very weird feeling like I’m not mad or upset but I’m also not filled with joy or anything. I think in a way, getting that quote was the driving force for us to really decide what we wanted to do and if I didn’t reach out then this would’ve dragged on for much longer. It’s nice to have a conclusion for now at least, but it does feel like we are prolonging the inevitable of moving back in together because we’re not going to live together in vancouver as a family. that’s like one thing that we do know because my dad and brother’s businesses are in hong kong. 

for the last couple days I haven’t had much of an appetite nor do I sleep properly mainly because all this stress and overthinking has really made me go insane. on one hand, this decision feels correct because uprooting your life and moving to a new country is such a huge decision that shouldn’t be made on a whim. yet, we kind of know that we want to live in hong kong together... so why do we keep stalling? I also think this pandemic has amplified all these thoughts of leaving and being as one family and just made everything think differently. It has accelerated my brain damage but in the grand scheme of things, I’m okay with the decision we’ve made. staying in vancouver for a while longer, taking more time to plan how to move and keeping my cats more or less happy in the house they’re in now. It does feel kind of silly making your life decisions revolve around a cat but.... they’re two constants in my life that I can’t leave or not worry about. they’re the only thing I actively cried about, and overthought SO much about. what if they aren’t fit for flight, what if they had an accident on the flight, what if they can’t get used to living in an apartment and the temperature in hong kong. I felt so drained thinking about all those negative and almost pointless thoughts because they weren’t problems that could be solved right away. there was just so much stress circling this topic and so many things that had to be talked about and planned and decided that it’s too much to do in a matter of months or even a year. 

to have a night where I don’t have to think about that and just know that I’m going to stay here in vancouver is better than being completely unsure about what I need to do and who I need to reach out to tomorrow. In that 3 hour conversation my mom and I talked about all those irrational thoughts, and all the things that made us feel crazy during the past couple weeks. we discussed the importance of family, how we view each other, what we want and hope for, why we (or at least I) feel and do the things we do, the difference between generations and the general relationship between all of us compared to others. It was longwinded, but it was refreshing. we all know that we love each other and care for each other and sometime down the road we are going to be living together but as of right now it’s just not the proper time to make a huge life altering decision. I obviously have things to do in vancouver other than mope but it’s nice to get all that out in the open and know that we have kind of settled things for NOW at least. chances are my dad and brothers won’t be able to fly back to canada for the time being (just out of work obligations and others), but either my mom and I individually can go back. that’s just how things have to work out and to know that and to not go to sleep thinking about such negative and pressuring thoughts is nice... I’m not even gonna proof read this but that’s what I’ve been going through for the past couple weeks. now I’m going to watch a drama. 

[leafs-lover]

Because Two People Got Drunk: 22

Series Masterlist

Chapter 22

A/N: So I haven’t been to Greece, always wanted to. I originally planned on the entire trip being 1 chapter so it was going to be vague, but decided to break it up into a few which meant I needed some more details on locations/sights. I’m sorry if you have been there and I got some info I got wrong, I relied on google for most of it.

Summary: You and Fred begin your short vacation without Oliver. You enjoy the first couple days sightseeing and exploring the island together.

Warnings: Swearing, smut

Word Count: 4900

“Where are we going?” you question as you sit on the plane. You are about two hours into the flight, and Fred booked a small private plane to take you. The flight crew didn’t mention where you are going before takeoff and it’s driving you crazy. 

“Just going to have to wait and see” Fred says smiling and not looking up from his book. You spent the last few days in Denmark trying to get him to tell you, and this was always his response. You tried to get his mom or sister to crack while at the spa but neither would tell you. You even tried to bribe Oliver, but he responded with “I don’t know” and you believe him; only because Fred knows that your 1 ½ year old son can ‘t keep secrets.

You huff in disapproval and hear the man beside you chuckle. He places a kiss in your hair “we’re almost there babe and then you will find out. Just have to be patient.”

“Ugh you’re the worst” you joke.

The rest of your time in Denmark went really well, you spent it with his family showing the city to Oliver. You really felt like all the issues were in the past and you belonged; were a part of the family.

“Fred, did you…are we in Santorini?” you question as you step off the plane. You smell the fresh air warm salt water, looking around and see the colourful cliffside villages.

“Mhm” he hums in your ear as you take in the breathtaking views.

“Babe this is insane, it’s too much.”

“For you? My amazing girlfriend, mother of my child? I don’t think it’s enough” he says kissing your cheek.

You turn and jump into his arms “you’re too good to me” you say smiling. Fred leans in and kisses you lightly “I really am aren’t I?” he jokes earning a light laugh from you.

After a short car ride you arrive at your hotel, which is tucked in the side of a cliff. You open the door to your room and see that you are staying in a room that is actually a cave carved into a cliff. You have a massive bedroom, with doors that open up to your own private balcony. The décor in the rooms is simple, with a lot of white and some accent colours on the pillows. But you realize the space is amazing on its own and doesn’t need anything more, it speaks for itself.

You move to explore the room, but Fred grabs your hand and pulls you onto the veranda, which has its own infinity pool and overlooks the Aegean Sea. Crisp blue waters are all you can see. Fred wraps his arms around you as you lean back into his chest, “tonight we are having dinner out here while we watch the sunset” he whispers, sending chills down your spine. You tilt your head to look up at him as he places a kiss on your lips “can’t wait” you whisper.

Later that night you have showered off the plane ride, and put on your white spaghetti strap midi dress. It has a floral lace overlay that extends to your knees. You pair it with the shoes Fred bought you for your birthday.

You walk onto the balcony and see Fred in a pair of beige shorts with a navy collared t-shirt tucked in. He is setting the dinner on the table when he hears your heels on the floor causing him to look up at you.

A smile spreads across his face and he stops setting the table. “How did I get so lucky?” he says kissing your lips lightly.

“I ask myself that every day” you respond leaning in to him.

“Please, we both know you are out of my league” he laughs.

“That’s a lie babe. I’m nothing without you” you say. You move to the table and he pushes your chair in behind you, taking a seat at the chair beside you. You eat dinner looking out over the water, listening to the sound of waves crashing on the shore. You have an easy conversation, laughing and enjoying your time.

“I never asked why were you single the night we met?” he asks.

You laugh as you start eating your chicken. “What a girl like you, I just can’t believe that you were single when we met. What poor idiot messed things up with you?”

“Uhh, that would be me” you say taking a drink of wine. Fred continues to eat but has his eyes locked on you waiting for you to continue. “I had a boyfriend in high school, and another in college. Stephen, my college boyfriend and I broke up during 3rd year; I was single for a little bit. Dated a couple people, but nobody serious for a few years. Then when I was 26 I met Cody. We dated for almost 4 years; I was in love with him, thought I would marry him and have a family. Then he got offered a job in Vancouver, I knew he had applied to it so I wasn’t overly surprised. We had talked a little bit about what we would do if he did get it, about me going with him. My company has offices out there so I could have looked into a transfer, so it’s not like I wouldn’t be working. But when it became real, when it was no longer a hypothetical and I had to act on it, I couldn’t.”

“What was the problem? If you wanted to marry him why go?”

“It just didn’t feel right. I had this feeling that I shouldn’t go and I didn’t know why” you explain taking a sip of wine. “I guess it took that for me to realize I didn’t actually love him, or not in the way I thought. Because if I did love him, like 100% wholeheartedly in love… I wouldn’t have hesitated; I just wish it didn’t take me 4 years to realize I didn’t love him.

But it’s weird, because I had 4 years with him, but after like 6 months with you I made the choice to move to Pittsburgh. And that was six months that revolved mostly around sex, we weren’t even dating then. But going there felt right, not just for Ollie, but it felt like the right decision for me.”

A smile crosses his face “like you knew I was going to have an impact on your life outside of Oliver.”

“Yeah” you agree smiling. “What about you? You have girls messaging you all the time, why didn’t any of them ever lock you down?”

He laughs a little at your comment “I don’t know. I mean I’ve dated a bit in Toronto but nothing serious. I guess no girl ever had what I was looking for. I would sometimes meet up with the girls who messaged me, but they were only messaging me because of who I am. It never really turned into anything serious between us. And then I met you, and I honestly wanted to date you after our first night together.” “I’m sure you did” you say laughing.

His large hand slides across the table touching your wrist lightly “I did babe, I was upset I was rushed and couldn’t get your number. Whenever I was at Hoops those weeks after I would hope to see you; that you would walk through those doors again. It was easy to talk to you, and you didn’t know who I was which was nice too. But that night I was feeling like shit, and you made me feel better.”

“Blowjobs and sex tend to do that” you say smirking at him.

Fred laughs at that comment “Well obviously that helped. But I was going to say the conversation at the bar made feel better. Sitting there with you for those few hours that cheered me up and made my night better. If we had of went our own ways after the bar, I would have left feeling 100% better than I was when I walked in. I guess I just knew from the beginning there was something about you.”

“I think I knew there was something about you but I was too scared to admit it” you start, pausing briefly when Fred laughs “yeah I’d say.”

“After Cody I took some time, and tried to evaluate myself. I guess I just couldn’t understand why I had this man in front of me that I couldn’t love. Like he was an amazing person, every quality I thought I wanted, the kind of person anyone would be happy with. I thought something was wrong with me for it, who takes that long to realize they don’t love someone. Then with you I guess I was scared it would happen again, but this time I had to think about Oliver not just myself. I didn’t want it to happen again. To be with you and we start something together and when the time comes for me to commit I can’t do it. And then it ruins us, but not just our romantic relationship but also our parenting relationship. I… I panicked.”

“So how do you know that you’re ready now?” he asks. “Ready for me, for us?”

“Because I can’t imagine life without you, I can’t imagine not waking up to those brown eyes. The thought of not having you in my life makes me sick, not hearing your voice. I can’t imagine a life where I walk into the living room and see you and Ollie playing, or snuggled on the couch.

You are the second greatest thing to happen to me, the first being Oliver. I’ve never felt this before; I’ve never had anything that compares to this. I think a year ago, everything felt like too much all at once, I was a little overwhelmed. I don’t think I was ready to head down that road at that point in my life.

I just needed time to get there, to get out of my head. I think if we had of tried a year earlier we would still be together now and everything would be amazing, but I was overthinking everything. But I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Well I’m happy you figured it out, and for the record I’m not going anywhere either” he says placing a soft kiss on your cheek. He grabs your hand and pulls you over to the outdoor couch. You sit comfortably on his lap as the sun is falling towards the horizon. The once blue skies now have now turned to warm red, yellow and orange hues. You listen to the waves crashing into the shore, the waves hitting each other as a light breeze lightly moves the branches of the palm trees. Fred’s lightly strokes your side, sometimes he will place a soft kiss on your cheek or jaw as you both sit in silence.

You are the first to speak “this is amazing” you turn to look at him. “And I don’t just mean the sunset” you lightly press your lips to his. You stay outside a little while longer, wrapped in his arms until the sun fully sets the stars and the moon illuminating the world around you.

“You know seeing you in this white dress” he says shifting under you, making you feel his erection poking through his shorts “makes me think of what you will look like in a wedding dress.”

You turn and look at Fred raising your eyebrow “I’m not proposing skat. It’s just before you I never really thought about it, I was never really in a relationship where I saw it heading to marriage and kids. I almost didn’t see it happening for myself, now I find myself thinking about it randomly. I’ll be lying in bed trying to sleep, or on the plane heading to a road game, and I just start thinking of the future. What two years, 5 years, 10 years with you will look like with you.”

“One day I will be Mrs. Frederik Andersen” you whisper against his lips. “But tell me what does our future look like? What do you see for us?” Your fingers begin to lightly run through his hair as you sit and listen.

“Well I see us being married. A little girl running around playing with Oliver, and she’ll be just like you. Not just appearance but her personality, laugh, her heart; all you. She will definitely have your sass and attitude, which will be mayhem as she grows up. A puppy for you because all you talk about is a puppy.” You laugh at that comment, but he is right; you talk about it so much Oliver has even started to ask for a puppy. He starts to pepper your jaw and neck with kisses as he continues talking, “I see us in a house, the five of us on Christmas morning. You making us wear matching pyjamas, even the dog. Me pretending to hate it but secretly loving every moment of it. Playing with the kiddos in the snow, making snow angels and snowmen.”

You smile and kiss him again “does Denmark get much snow?” you ask him.

“Babe we can’t really visit during the season –“

“I know, I meant after your done hockey. When you retire we could live there. I mean if you wanted to live there.” “You would move to Denmark?” he asks you pushing some hair behind your ear. You nod in response before he continues “I never thought about the where we would live, means a lot that you would consider moving to Denmark though.”

“I mean it is your home” you say lightly.

“And Toronto is yours” he responds kissing you.

“As long as I have you I could be happy anywhere. Maybe we figure out the where later on” you say as Fred’s hands lightly stroke up the back on your arms. “What else do you see in our future?”

“I see you with grey hair” that statement causes you to wrinkle your nose slightly at the thought.

“Don’t want the grey hair?” he asks and you shake your head.

“Personally I can’t wait to be old and grey with you. Sitting on a porch swing while the grandkids run around or swim in the pool. Family barbeques and trips. I can see you going by Nana, teaching them your family cookie recipes, sleepovers and…”

“Okay, having grey hair doesn’t sound terrible now” you mumble before kissing him. You run your hands through his hair, grinding your hips against his erection. Fred groans into the kiss before his hands slide to the back of your thighs hoisting you up. You giggle and wrap your legs around his waist; he carries you to the bed where you spend a few hours tangled in each others arms before finally dozing off.

The next morning you wake up at 8:30 with Fred spooning you, he is placing soft kisses on your shoulder. You moan and shift back slightly to be pressed up against his hard chest, “morning” you mumble.

“Breakfast will be here at 10, and we have to leave at 11” he says lightly before kissing your neck one last time.

“You planned everything out didn’t you” you question pressing your ass against him. He runs his fingers up your arm kissing your neck “well I didn’t plan on any morning fun or else I would have woken you up sooner.”

You turn your head to look at him “well add it to the schedule for tomorrow.” Fred brushes some hair from your face, he engages you in a soft but passionate kiss. When he finally pulls away he has a large grin on your face “definitely sweetheart” he says to you. He pulls the blanket off of you “go get ready skat.”

Later that day you are wearing you’re favourite sundress, with your bathing suit underneath. Fred has booked a private boat tour around Santorini, and to some of the smaller nearby islands. After about 90 minutes the boat docks and you disembark at Palea Kameni, two small islands formed from volcanic eruptions. There are many large ships that resemble pirate ships in the harbour.

“The island has been building up slowly throughout time. Every eruption has deposited additional pumice to the island expanding its footprint. You have about 45 minutes to explore the area, there is even a hot spring up there” your guide says pointing to a path.

Fred quickly grabs your hand and you start the short hike. You notice that most of the landscape is barren likely due to the acidic soils caused from the volcanic eruptions, but there are some succulents sparsely across the ground. You stop at the top of a hill and take in the view, you are overlooking the bay, and to the east you can see Santorini in the distance.

No matter where you look you see sparkling blue water, Fred quickly pulls his phone out and snaps a few pictures of you two with the harbour as the backdrop while he kisses your cheek. He pulls back and puts his phone away; you lean in and kiss him, wrapping your hand arm around his neck.

Your fingers snake into his hair, his hands on your lower back as your tongues fight for dominance in each other mouths. Fred groans into the kiss, one of his hands slides further to your ass giving it a soft squeeze.

“Freddie” you squeal jumping slightly. He kisses your jaw laughing wrapping his arms around you, holding you against his chest.

“What? Nobody is here” he mumbles kissing the top of your head. After a minute he eases his grip and takes your hand and continues on the trail leading you to the hot spring. You both strip to your bathing suits, and Fred beats you to the water sitting down first.

As soon as you step into the warm water Fred shifts to give you some space beside him. Instead you walk in front of him and place your hands on his shoulder. Fred looks up at you, and you sink down onto his lap, straddling him.

You grin at him, bringing your hands up to his hair. Fred’s hands slide up your body and stop on your waist, he runs his hands up and down your back while smiling at you. You lean in gripping his hair tight and lock him in a deep kiss, your tongues fight for dominance in each other’s mouths as his as his fingers toy with the strings of your bathing suit bottoms.

You rock your hips against him, feeling him start to harden beneath you. His hand undoes one of the bows you have tied on your bottoms. His mouth moves to your neck, peppering kisses on your sweet spot. You continue to grind your hips against his erection, hand sliding down to palm him over his bathing suit when you hear some laughing from behind you. You quickly jump off him and sit beside Fred when you see a family making their way up the steps towards the springs. You casually re-tie your bathing suit bottom, the family walks by you finding a spot a few metres away.

“We should get back to the boat” Fred says to you a few minutes later. You nod and get out of the spring and dry off. You pull your dress back on and start the short trip back to the boat.

You continue on your journey and after another boat ride arrive in Thirassia, which is on the west side of the volcano. It is another island off the coast of Santorini. While the crew prepares your lunch you and Fred snorkel in the clear water.

The staff alerts you that lunch will be ready in 15 minutes, so you both return to the boat; you make your way to the private room to change and Fred follows you. Since you are done swimming for this trip you remove your wet bathing suit and wrap a towel around yourself. After you have dried yourself off you drop the towel and bend into your bag pulling out some dry underwear.

You stand up straight and can hear Fred take a deep breath and mumble some swear words behind you. Not even a second later you feel his hands wrap around you. He cups your breast and begins to massage your nipple. He bends down and nips you on your shoulder, his other hand runs up and down your stomach. Your head falls back onto his chest “babe they’ll hear” you moan.

Fred pulls you closer into him and you can feel his erection pressed into your back “you knew what you were doing when you dropped your towel” his other hand slides down and presses circles on your clit. “You knew what you were doing when you climbed in my lap in the hot springs” he says sucking on your neck.

You push your hips back, and grind against him causing him to groan loudly. “You are a very smart woman. You have known what you have been doing to me all day and you kept doing it.” His finger is lightly playing with your folds, waiting for your permission to slide in you.

His mouth attaches to your neck and sucks hard, he isn’t wrong. You two have always had a healthy sex life since you got together, but this trip is different. You don’t know if it’s because Oliver isn’t around, or the romantic feeling Santorini exudes but since you have gotten here you haven’t wanted to leave the bed. It doesn’t help that your boyfriend spends most of his time in the sun without a shirt.

You could wait until you got back to the hotel, but you don’t think you want to. His finger continues to dance around your entrance as you bite your lower lip as you grind your ass further back against him. The only thing holding you back is the fear of being heard by the boat staff. You think you are going to make him wait until later; which you know would lead to some wild sex complete with multiple orgasms and bruises on your hips. But in that moment he rolls your nipple in his fingers and bites your neck, his other finger presses hard into your clit.

“Fuck” you mumble, feeling him smile against your neck. He knows what he is doing is working, and he pushes his hips forward his erection pressed between your ass cheeks.

“What are you going to do about it” you groan unable to wait any longer. Fred quickly pushes you to the bed, you fall forward and climb up on your hands and knees sticking your ass out for him.

“Frederik” you sternly whisper as he slaps your ass. He quickly pushes two fingers inside your folds.

“You know what happens when you call me that” he growls pumping his fingers inside you. You moan loudly, when you feel his hand come around your mouth.

“You have to be quiet skat or they will hear” he says his fingers still pumping inside you.

“You have to be quick so they don’t come looking for us” you retorts. Fred pulls his fingers from you; he grabs you by the neck and pulls you up so your back is against his chest. He brings his fingers to your mouth “lick” he orders.

You open your mouth as he slides his fingers inside your mouth, while simultaneously sliding his hard cock inside your folds. You close your mouth on his fingers, groaning as you clean your flavour from him and your walls are stretched out by him.

He rocks into you slowly at first, using the rocking of the boat to guide his movements. Once he is satisfied with his fingers he pulls them out of your mouth and pushes you forward onto your hands. His hands tightly grip your hips as he pulls you back onto him.

He thrusts firmly inside you; your ass hits his pelvis as he bottoms out each time. You bite your lip trying to stifle your moan, a whimper escaping your lips. You hear Fred chuckle because he knows how hard this is for you. He continues thrusting before he increases the pace. The room is filled with the sound of your skin flapping when you can’t hold it in anymore, your mouth opens and a loud strangled groan leaves you.

“Smuk” he growls, he brings a hand to the front of your neck and pulls you back up against him. He keeps his pace, while his hand tightens its grip around your throat, restricting your airway. This causes you to stop moaning as Fred continues pumping inside you.

You are getting close, and can feel your high approaching and your walls begin to clench. “Not yet, wait for me” he whispers, you let out a loud groan in disapproval.

He quickly tightens his grip against your throat and pumps inside you; he brings a knee up onto the bed. This allows him to change the angle and push deep, pounding against your cervix with every thrust. Your ass is being pulled back against his pelvis; you feel him becoming erratic behind you. Fred releases your throat and you take in a deep breath, one you didn’t notice you needed.

His hand goes to your other hip, using it to pull you back hard into him as he chases his high. You fall forward, tightly gripping the bedsheets. Your orgasm is right there, but you want to hold out for Fred. You feel him increase the pace, your mouth falls open and a loud strangled groan leaves your mouth.

You don’t care if the crew hears you anymore; you are unable to contain yourself. The sounds leaving your mouth are filthier than a porno, but you are more focused on waiting for Fred than anything else. Fred slaps your ass which has you coming undone, you clench around him.

Your walls tighten and you hear him quietly mutter some Danish curse words before he twitches and pushes deep inside you. You fall onto the bed and Fred collapses on top of you.

“You weren’t quiet” he jokes kissing your shoulder.

“You weren’t quick” you reply laughing.

After a few minutes Fred pulls out, you both clean up and get changed before returning to the deck for lunch. You and Fred walk out hand in hand, when you walk by two of the workers shoot you a glance and have a hushed conversation. Your face immediately goes beet red, Fred squeezes your hand “it’s fine dear” he whispers as you arrive at the table for lunch.

A couple hours later you are back in the hotel and have showered. You are still embarrassed about what happened on the boat, and are tired from the hiking and your afternoon activities. Not having the energy to get ready for dinner you change into a pair of grey track shorts, you pull on a loose off-shoulder lounging shirt not even bothering with a bra or underwear. You pull your hair up in a messy bun, and apply some moisturizer to your otherwise naked face.

You see Fred sitting in a pair of shorts on the patio and make your way over to him. He hears your footsteps and looks at you, smiling as he takes you in. “I didn’t feel like getting all dressed up tonight” you explain sitting beside him.

Fred places a hand on your thigh and kisses your cheek “I don’t care what you wear, or what you look like. Could dress like this every day from now on and I wouldn’t care.”

You roll your eyes at him, but before you can respond he gently tilts your chin to look at you. He places a soft kiss on your forehead “babe I mean it. I think you are the most incredible woman out there, and I’m not with you because of how you look with your makeup on and a tight little dress. I mean I’m not complaining about the tight dresses that drive me wild, but you are so much more than your clothes. I’ve never met a more compassionate, thoughtful and selfless person in my life. Looks can fade, but that, the things that make you the person you are, that won’t change.”

Before he can continue you kiss him, you lean back on the couch and Fred follows, his hand sliding up your shirt. His hand reaches your bare breast when a knock is on the door indicating dinner has arrived. You hear him groan, and you aren’t sure if it’s because he was interrupted or the lack of clothing under your shirt.

The hotel:

White Dress:

Next Chapter

[6rookie-writer0110]

Let's kill the chorus together

Sam Arias x Male Reader

Request- Imagine being a worldkiller but diffrent and dating Sam arais and finding out being Ruby's father would include.

Plus being a part of the superfriends and he was in season 3 but go unnoticed expect brainy know's it's R because he is a hero in the future called the eyepatch. He and sam used to date in there teen year but had a nasty break because he was abused by his adopted parents. Which is one of the reasons why they break up because sam didn't know but in season 4 sam found out when brainy tells her. He and sam meet again in season 4. Can you put for the sam arias request for DMC. Can you put that R has a twin brother vergil and a little brother nero and nero's girlfriend kyrie. R's brothers are worldkiller but diffrent as him. After there mom and dad died they were separated and reunited years later.

Growing up you are being abused by your foster parents. Mentally and physically they abuse you every day, you don't understand the hatred they have for you. They tell you that you are worthless and call you horrible names. They only took you in for the government check, they get every month. You never told anyone about the abuse, you felt that is the sign of weakness, not even your girlfriend knows about it.

Your foster dad just beat the crap out of you. Now you are in the bathroom, cleaning the cut on your lip. You are feeling angry and you start to breathe hard. You have your hands on the sink, the angrier you got then you broke the sink. You freaked out because you never did that before. You just punched the mirror now you are bleeding and left the bathroom.

You don't know anything about your biological parents. You got your powers from them but you don't know that. You are figuring everything out on your own, but you are still clueless.

-----

Prom is coming up and you actually stole a single rose from a flower shop before going to school.

You go to school as nothing happened. Sam asked about the cut on your lip, you keep changing the subject. She doesn't know that you are being abused by your foster parents.

”This is for you. Sam; do you want to be my prom date?” You asked with a smile.

She smiled and kissed you.

”Yes, I will be your prom date. I love the rose” Sam said and she can't stop smiling.

----

[The night of prom]

You and Sam are not having a good time.

”Y/N what is wrong with you?!” Sam asked.

”I don't want to talk about it,” You said.

”You never want to talk about it! I know you are being abused. You arrive at school with bruises on your face. I don't get why you won't tell me so I can help you” Sam said.

”I don't need help or anyone!!” You snapped.

The anger you have bottled up inside has come out. Now you and Sam are arguing back and forth. You don't tell her what your foster parents have been doing for years.

” It's over!” You yelled.

”Are you serious!? Just like that!” Sam yelled.

”Go do whatever you want! I really don’t care. I don't ever want to see your face!!” You yelled.

Sam smacked you hard in the face. You feel your cheek burning and she walked away and you can hear her crying. But you don't stop her and you walked away also.

Since that night you and Sam haven't spoken to each other. She heard rumors that you left town without saying a word. She went home and she starts to cry hard.

✧ ✯ ✬ ✧

{Time Skip}

You and Sam still haven't spoken or seen each other in a very long time. You didn't tell anyone where you went and you didn't keep in touch with anyone. Sam lives in National City and works with Lena Luthor. Sam takes Ruby to the park and she is playing with her friends.

It wasn't long you arrived from the future. You have been through a lot and it feels strange being in the past. You are in the park sitting on the bench and you start to sketch in your book.

Much later, you start to put your stuff away and you saw a girl's soccer game. Ruby's team won and the other player on the other team kicked the ball because they lost and it hit you in the face. Your nose starts to bleed, Sam ran towards you.

”Are you okay?” Sam asked.

You looked up and her eyes opened wide.

”God, you are old” You teased.

Sam laughed then she punched your arm.

”Well, I'm glad you have a broken nose,” Sam said.

She gave you a napkin and you start to clean your nose.

”It’s been a long time,” You said.

”Yes it has. We need to talk” Sam said.

”We can do that,” You said.

-----

Your nose still hurts but it's healing. You meet up with Sam at the park. You bought coffee for Sam and you two start to walk.

”Tell me what have you been up to, and don't leave anything out,” Sam said.

”First I want to say I'm sorry what happened on prom night. I'm really sorry for hurting you” You said.

”I'm sorry too and I forgive you,” Sam said.

”Once I left, I started to travel and find my place. Turns out I have two brothers and we have bee separated and our parents passed away. We have a relationship now which is good. Now I'm a lawyer and I just moved to National City, a few weeks ago with my brothers” You said.

You do want to tell her that you and your brothers are world killers, but not in public.

”I work with Lena Luthor at her company. After I graduated high school, I moved away right away. I used to live in Metropolis and... Um, I...-”

Sam wanted to tell you that you have a daughter, but your cell phone starts to ring.

”It’s my brother. I have to go but I want to meet up with you again” You said.

”I will like that, Y/N,” Sam said and smiled.

✧ ✯ ✬ ✧

You meet up with your brothers Vergil and Nero. They are the reason you know about your powers and your parents. You and brothers work together saving people, you were in the future with them.

”Bro, Supergirl and her friends need our help,” Nero said.

”With what?” You asked.

”To stop the other world killers. Are we going to do it?” Nero said.

You and your brothers do try to have a normal life and help other heroes when they need help.

”Yeah, let's do it. So, when we will meet Sam?” Vergil said.

You and brothers start to get ready.

”Not sure yet. But I will ask if she wants to meet you two” You said.

----

You and brothers arrived in time to help Supergirl. The other world killers are trying to kill Sam and Ruby.

Supergirl and her friends are having a hard time stopping them.

”About time you three show up” Alex said.

”Better late than sorry” Nero said.

”Wait, I thought it was better late than never?” You asked.

”I think Y/N is correct. Nero, it's not sorry” Vergil said.

”Guys not right now!” Alex yelled.

”All of you are a joke” Julia Freeman said.

”That’s rude” Vergil said.

”Let’s kill them” Pestilence said.

You take out your Devil Sword Sparda and you are ready to fight. Vergil takes out his Yamato; his katana and Nero takes out his Blue Rose is a multi-barreled revolver that shoots powerful bullets.

You or them don't listen to Kara and Alex’s plan. Pestilence was going to kill Sam but you jumped in and blocked Pestilence’s attack with your sword.

”Sorry, Sam I didn't tell you but I will explain later” You said.

”You better after we get out of here alive” Sam said.

Sam isn't mad that you didn't tell her, because she has a secret also. Your brothers start to help Alex and Kara fight the evil world killers. You made sure they didn't hurt Sam and Ruby.

”Take them out of here!” Kara yelled.

”Follow me,” You said to Sam and Ruby.

You take them somewhere safe and Nero just arrived. You and Nero look around to make sure the world killers won't kill them.

”Don’t say it!” Nero said.

”Say what?” You lied.

Vergil and Nero hate when you say the word ’jackpot’ and you do it on purpose.

”Jackpot! We are safe” You said.

”You jerk” Nero said.

----

At the DEO, Sam and Ruby are doing fine. Your brothers went to the alien bar and you went to see Sam. Alex and Kara are happy for the help you and Brothers did. You and Sam stare at each other without saying a word.

”How are you doing?” You asked.

”We are doing fine, thanks to you and the others. Y/N, this is Ruby” Sam said.

”Hi” Ruby said.

”Hi,” You said to her.

Ruby left the room for a moment.

”Y/N, when did you even had powers?” Sam said.

You scratch the back of your neck.

”I’m a world killer but not like them. In high school, I had the powers but I couldn't explain it. When I met my brothers they explained to me about my powers and my birth parents. I didn't tell you because I thought you would think I'm insane” You said.

”Y/N... I have tell to you something important” Sam said.

Sam was going to tell you the secret but Kara walked in to check up on her. You leave to meet up with your brothers.

✧ ✯ ✬ ✧

It's game night and everyone is ready to play and have fun. You went without your brothers, Nero is with his girlfriend kyrie and Vergil is with his friends.

”Y/N, it's you. I thought I wouldn't see you again” Brainy said.

”You two know each other?” Kara asked.

”Yeah, we worked together a very long time ago” You said.

”He helped my team in the future. He is a hero in the future called the eye patch. You are back for good?” Brainy said.

”Yeah. The future was fun but I knew we couldn't stay forever” You said.

Everyone starts to play Jenga later started to play Uno. Everyone is having fun and eating chips and pizza. But Sam is not having a good time, she hasn't told you the secret.

”Y/N, can we talk in private?” Sam asked.

”Yeah sure” You said.

You and Sam go somewhere private.

----

Sam takes a deep breath and she is ready to tell you.

”Ruby is your daughter. After that night we had our fight, I found out I was pregnant the next day. I looked for you but you already left town” Sam said.

Your eyes opened wide and you are speechless. Words didn't come out of you mouth, you didn't know what to say.

”I-I-I have a Daugther!?” You said very loud

”Well the condom broke” Sam said.

”What!?” You said quickly with a high pitch voice.

”Y/N forget about the condom" Sam said.

"Well I may as well have!" You yelled.

She rolls her eyes at you.

"I'm indignant as a consumer” You said.

”Let's talk later, Y/N” Sam said.

”No, I want to talk now in fact I want to talk to the president of the condom company” You said.

You grabbed your phone and started to dial.

”Yes I'll press one,” You said.

”Idiot” Sam mumbled to herself.

✧ ✯ ✬ ✧

Sam did tell Ruby about it and she was in shock. You are feeling nervous to meet your daughter, your brothers wanted to meet her but you said next time. It was awkward at first meeting Ruby. In this situation, you didn't know what to do. But you do know that you will never put Ruby what you been through with your foster parents put you through.

You and Sam had to explain why you weren't around.

”What do I call you?” Ruby asked.

”You can call me by my name, if you are comfortable with that” You said.

”I guess,” Ruby said.

You did answer any questions she had, she believed what you said. She calls you by your name because she isn't used to calling you ’dad’ you understood that.

”You won't leave?” Ruby asked.

”What do you mean?” You asked.

”I mean, will you stay for a long time and not abandon me and mom?” Ruby said.

”Oh. Ruby, I know I wasn't around since you were a baby but this time I will be around every day to spend time with you. I won't ever leave you or your mom, I promise” You said.

---

You and Ruby play laser tag, Ruby is having a good time. She can't stop smiling or laughing. You and Ruby go out to eat pizza unexpectedly you run into your brothers. You introduced them to Ruby. You and your brothers buy more food and drinks and go home.

You are teaching Ruby on how to use the Yamato sword.

”This is so cool! I never had a sword before” Ruby said and smiled.

”Don't have your arm too low, the enemy can easily kill you” You said.

You show her how high to hold the sword. Sam came over to check on you and Ruby, but she didn't like that Ruby is using a sword.

”Y/N why would teach her how to use a sword!” Sam yelled at you.

”I’m teaching Ruby how to defend herself, just relax,” You said.

Sam is angry about it. You and Sam start to argue in front of everyone.

”Guys, don't argue in front of Ruby,” Vergil said.

”Ruby put the sword away and get your stuff we are leaving,” Sam said.

”Okay, mom,” Ruby said.

She gave you the sword back and Ruby went to get her stuff.

”I’m trying to be her friend,” You said.

”Y/N, you can't be her friend. You have to be a father, not a friend, she has enough friends. You can't do reckless stuff with her around, what if she got hurt!?” Sam yelled.

”I would have dial 911! I know what I am doing!” You yelled.

You and Sam start to yell at each other again.

”Shut up!!! Y/N, Sam is right you can't be her friend. And Sam, he isn't alone in this of being a dad, Nero, and I will help him be a dad” Vergil said.

You walked away without saying a word and Nero went after you.

”Sam, give him time. This is all new for him, he doesn't know-how to be a dad” Vergil said.

”But what about his foster dad, Robert? He was raised by him” Sam said.

”Robert was a drunk and so was his wife. They used to abuse Y/N, verbally, and physically. He won't do that to Ruby, you have my word. Y/N is trying to be the father that he wished he had growing up. You know, having a cool dad that taught cool things and stuff” Vergil said.

”Oh, I had no idea. He would hide the bruises and lie about it. I don't know what to say” Sam said.

”It will be okay, Sam. We just have to take it one day at a time” Vergil said.

”We do,” Sam said

✧ ✯ ✬ ✧

You and Sam are getting along much better. You are seeing Ruby every day and you take her to school. You are not mad that Vergil told Sam about your abusive foster parents. You, Vergil and Nero, are staying with Sam and Ruby because of the quarantine. Ruby is happy about it and Sam kinda, Nero is a messy person and Vergil takes too long in the bathroom. Sam is her office working, while you and the others are bored.

Ruby takes out her phone and she starts record, you having a eating contest with Vergil and Nero.

”I can’t believe you guys are eating jalapenos” Ruby laughed.

”They will lose because I can handle spicy food,” Nero said.

You, Nero and Vergil start to eat faster. Your mouth is starting to burn and tears go down your face. Sam comes downstairs

”What is going on?” Sam asked.

”They are having a jalapeno eating contest” Ruby giggled.

Sam sighed ”Idiots” she went back upstairs.

---

You and your brothers are playing another game, it's true or dare. Nero asked if any of you hooked up with each other girlfriend.

”Why would you ask that in front of Ruby!?” You asked.

”This is getting interesting” Ruby laughed.

”I actually hooked up with your girlfriend, Nero, and I didn’t know,” Vergil said.

”What!?” Nero yelled.

Nero hit Vergil in the nuts you and Ruby laughed.

----

You and Sam sit outside in the backyard alone to talk. She did confess that she has feelings for you and you are still in love with her. But first, you and Sam want to take it one step at a time and co-parent. Nero and Vergil play video games with Ruby, you and Sam keep talking to each other.

✧ ✯ ✬ ✧

Since you and Sam didn't have a good time at prom, you decided to make it up for her. You asked your brothers for help and it took a while for them to understand what is prom.

You sent an email to her friends and they agreed to come. You and your brothers start to decorate Lena’s house. She agreed to let you do the prom. After a while decorating and setting up the speakers, you rushed home to shower and change clothes. You left to pick up Sam and Ruby. Since you found out that you have a daughter, you and Ruby started to build a bond.

”You look very beautiful,” You said.

”Thanks, Dad,” Ruby said.

She hugged you and she takes pictures with you. You see Sam come out wearing a beautiful dress and you smiled.

”You are beautiful,” You said.

She blushed.

”You look handsome,” Sam said.

”Ready to go?” You asked.

”Yeah, we are ready,” Sam said.

Everyone came to the party with their dates. Even Nero's girlfriend kyrie came to the party. Everyone starts to take pictures together and the music starts to play.

”The reason, I did this because I wanted to make it up to you,” You said.

”Y/N, it means a lot you did this. I know we both didn't have a good time at prom, but this makes it up for it. I'm glad to be your date” Sam said.

She kissed you and she can't stop smiling.

---

The next day, you and Sam went to City Hall. Ruby and your brothers also went to be the witness, because you and Sam are getting married. Once you and Sam kissed they started to cheer. You and Sam can’t stop smiling at each other and Ruby start to take pictures.

”I want to be with you forever and raise Ruby,” You said.

”I can't believe I’m stuck with you forever” Sam joked.

You and Sam laughed and she kissed you.

[gongju-juice]

She never lied.

This was requested by anonymous. For future reference, please follow my page and send a message for requests. I may not be able to get everyone, and I may not give you exactly what you want but please be patient and understanding mah bois.

Warnings: Psychological Instability, Angst

“Mr. Park, how are you feeling today?”

He cleared his throat, eyes shifting around the white walls of the office. Every time he visited, the same family photos and certificates hung mockingly on the wall. Once upon a time, Jinyoung was once successful. He had his degrees, his career, his woman; his heart. Those days belong in another part of his life. A life that no longer existed.

“Mr. Park?”

“I feel. . .” he paused to find the right words, “hollow. Not as empty as usual, but the hole is wider today. It burns around the edges.”

The psychiatrist lowered her head in disappointment. Ms. Kyeong-un was one of the most talented mental health physicians in Changwon City. Her accomplishments were renowned and praised in all of South Korea. But with all her fancy background and text-book knowledge, she simply couldn’t understand the complex young man. 

“Have you been doing your therapy sessions like we’ve talked about?”

“No,” he admitted, “well, yes, at first. My medicine makes my head feel weird, and every time I try to breathe like you showed me how, all I inhale is her perfume. When I go out for walks, I see the pretty cherry blossoms—cherry blossoms were her favorite, you know.”

“Do you still work at the elementary school?”

Jinyoung recalled the prior day’s events. He was supposed to take the kindergarteners out for recess on the playground. But instead of doing that, he led them to the parking lot where cars maneuvered in and out of the blue lined spaces, tires screeching on the hot asphalt. Children yelling as they came inches from death by the silver bumper of a car’s front.

“No, I was fired.”

“Fired? But why?”

He scratched his chin. “I don’t know why. I was just trying to let them have fun.”

She closed her folder and clasped her hands together. “Mr. Park, I don’t see any improvement in our sessions at all. Your progression has been stagnant for months. It’s time you take initiative.”

Jinyoung didn’t see what else he could do. Sleepless nights led to terrifying hallucinations in the morning. Those hallucinations made him do terrible things in the day. How was he supposed to know that the friendly bunny standing in the parking lot of the school was not real?

“I have an idea,” she announced. “Admittedly, it is a little unconventional and slightly discouraged, but I think it may help your case. Would you like to know what it is?”

He shrugged. She reached under her desk and pulled out a thin, iridescent card.

“I have a friend named Lee Taemin. He takes on special orders at this location. Just tell security your name, and they’ll lead you there. I sent a picture of her so he’d know what she looked like when she was. . .alive.”

“A doll?” Jinyoung chuckled mirthlessly. “And you think one of those things can help me get over my wife? The life, the sunshine of my entire existence?”

“It’s worth a try, Mr. Park.”

Sometimes, Jinyoung seriously wondered about the insanity behind people’s motives. He was crazy. He knew this and knew it well. But this woman, this doctor, was supposed to fix the cloud of despair that was his mentality. And she thought she could accomplish this by a figurine made of plastic and synthetic human flesh. Who was crazier?

The next night he arrived at the building. It was made entirely of glass, a tree in the metaphorical urban jungle that dominated first-world society. Above the gold embellished revolving doors, the name of the owner shimmered in the morning sun.

He told the clerk his name, and she brought him into an elevator and up to the top floor. The long hallway had a clear view of the city, sprawling alive and awake in the rush hour time. All of it was meaningless. None of it meant a thing if he couldn’t have his girl. He used to dream of exploring the whole world. Now he sat on his bed staring at the tv blankly. Nothing had color any more.

“Mr. Park,” Taemin called, swiveling around in his chair. He wore a dark suit, his hair neatly parted to the side and meticulously groomed. “Kyeong-un told me all about your dilemmas.”

“And you’re wasting your time. Nothing or no one could ever replace my Mina. I don’t even know why,” he sighed. “I don’t even know why I’m here.”

“You’re here because you want a chance. You want a chance to get rid of the pain that’s been eating away at your heart. Don’t feel bad, Mr. Park. Everyone has their mediums. Whether it be drugs or alcohol—crime or sex—you’re allowed to do whatever is you have to do.”

He pointed at the box by his desk. “Take a look inside. I won’t judge you.”

Jinyoung as he was told. A cold, robotic body with her signature long black hair and glassy brown eyes laid inside. She was even the exact height, the shape of her lips and arch of her brows all a perfect replica of the woman who used to be.

“Do enjoy,” Taemin said. And with that, Jinyoung left the building.

He set the doll down on his bed. For as much as it resembled her, he knew her eyes were not animated. Her breath, her painted smile was fake. The real Mina was six feet underneath the dirt.

Sometime, maybe it was a week or two. Jinyoung revisited the forgotten doll abandoned in her cardboard prison. He lifted her body, cradling her to his chest. 

“My girl! My darling, baby girl! How could I leave you all alone when you’ve been so cold, so lonely? I won’t ever do it again, I swear it!”

His angel was back. His life was back. 

In the mornings, he bathed her in exquisite perfumes, brushing her hair delicately with care to the nurture of every single strand. He made her tea, and together, they drank in the golden rays of the sun.

The thing is—he wasn’t crazy. He wasn’t crazy. When he held her in his arms, she was real. She was smiling, she talked to him, she held his hand. Mina was alive, she wasn’t a doll. And Mina wouldn’t lie to him. She never lied to him. How could she lie about being real?

Got7 is one of my favorite Kpop groups, and Jinyoung and Jaebum are both my bias wreckers lol. (Jackson gege is my precious bias tho). 

This is a slightly altered form for what they requested, but that’s just because their idea was very grand, and I was little worried about cramming half-done work in this one-shot. I’m also not sure if I will write smut for actual (real-life) people in the future. For fictional characters it’s cowabunga and all that, but I haven’t made up my mind about actual people.

[basketofverbiage]

Hold On

This is my first writing post I’ve made. I had this in my head for a while and finally got it out. I have a part two, but it’s still being edited. I am so open to feedback!

Warnings: suicide attempt; hospitals; panic attacks

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

For the past few weeks, Seokjin has known that something is wrong, but has no idea what it is. And without knowing what it is, how the hell is he supposed to fix it? His entire life seems to revolve around the need to take care of the people he loves most, and he can see that Y/n is devastatingly hurt but has no clue how to heal it. It’s like a surgeon trying to operate on a patient in a dark back alley somewhere; he can’t see what’s ruptured, can’t stop the bleeding, and he has this sneaking suspicion that he might lose his patient.

It’s been three solid weeks since he first noticed that something seems to be affecting the woman he loves. She put on a brave face and a faux smile when she knew he was paying attention. But in quiet moments when she thought he was distracted, he could see the darkness wash over her features. He’s tried everything he could think of to draw out what is wrong, comfort her, cheer her up, but nothing has worked and he’s starting to get scared.

It all began on a normal Tuesday afternoon. He was finished with his schedule fairly early in the day and came home to find her sitting in the kitchen floor with her back pressed against the cabinet below the sink, her legs drawn up into her arms and her face hidden in her kneecaps, with dark swirly curls hiding the rest of her features.

“Baby, are you okay?” he called quietly, rushing over to kneel in front of her. Her head snapped up and she smiled the fakest smile he’d ever seen from her.

“Yes, Jinnie. I’m fine. I just haven’t slept well, and just sat down after washing dishes.”

He knew she was lying to him by the darkness swirling in her eyes and the way that the smile didn’t soften the pain in her features, but he decided not to push it. She really hadn’t been sleeping well. More than one night this week he’d woken up in the twilight morning hours to her thrashing about a bit in fitful nightmares, but she’d settle down a bit when he’d pull her in and hum softly into her ear. So, he reiterated to himself that it’s okay not to push it, and that she’d open up once she was ready. He’d scooped her up off the kitchen floor into a tight hug then they’d spent the afternoon curled up in bed with mindless tv shows and drifting in and out of dreams until he started to believe she was okay. She’d laughed at his silly jokes, so Y/n is fine, right?

After that, he noticed that she began sleeping so much more. Sure, she’d had a stressful few months at work with a major project she had been assigned for a high-profile client, but she’d completed that project well and the client had been singing her praises to the heavens. In doing so, she had spent as many sleepless nights slaving away as he had spent missing her beside him in their king-sized bed. It made him wonder how she survived the long months of him being away on tour, lying so tiny in the vast wasteland of a cold, empty bed. Seokjin is not tiny by any means, and without her, he felt so small and vaguely empty in satin sheets, surrounded by so many pillows. And no matter how many extra blankets he added, the bed was so cold without her. So once the project was completed, it made perfect sense that she’d catch up on sleep, right? There is nothing to worry about, right?

Y/n had also pretty obviously stopped eating and cooking. This was driving him insane. The love of cooking and feeding other people is one of the many things that brought them together, and they took turns showing their love to each other with food. She hadn’t baked a single item in three straight weeks. While Seokjin could not bake to save his own life, Y/n baked the most amazing creations and her favorite thing to make was bread. All different varieties of breads from simple, rustic loaves to delicate fruit-filled sweetbreads, she once told him that baking bread made her feel alive. Something about the way the dough responded and how much encouragement it needed to become something from nearly nothing. In fact, in the two full years they had been together, Seokjin had not one time bought a loaf of bread from the store. He forgot that store-bought loaves were even a thing. She kept her own sourdough starter and had to bake at least one loaf a week to keep it growing healthily without it taking over, so he would come home at least one day a week to the slightly sour, yeasty twang of sourdough bread wafting about as two beautiful loaves cooled on a cooling rack. One loaf was always for them at home, and the other for his brothers. Before they shared a home, she would regularly bring her bread experiments over to the dorm and the boys would all ooh and ahh over her creations; Seokjin and Namjoon had had to nearly break up physical fights between the maknaes over who got to eat the last of the loaves on more than one occasion. But it had been two solid weeks since a loaf had been baked in their apartment and he was desperately trying to squelch the worry that was building.

Seokjin realized that he might be out of his element with this. He’d tried everything he knew to do. They’d been on three fancy dates, and he’d sent her a gorgeous bouquet to work. Seokjin bought her the earrings she’d been eyeing subtly when they were shopping for his mom’s birthday present and left them on her pillow one morning when he had to be at an interview at 4 am. He had made love to her slow and sweet on a rainy Sunday afternoon like she loved; it had always been enough to bring her back to him before as he’d remind her of why he loved her both with words and with his body. But not this time. He had told her every joke he could think of, even the worst ones that sounded like they had come off the stick of a melted popsicle. He made her coffee like she liked in the morning, tea in the afternoon, and heady glasses of red wine in the evening. He’d even gone so far as to fly her best friend in for the one weekend he’d had to be away in Japan, knowing that if he couldn’t fix it, she usually could. He had asked if she was okay at least twice a day for more than a week, then given up already when she tried to keep her work mask on all the time and lied straight to his face that she was fine. Y/n was not fine, but he didn’t know what was wrong and nothing he had tried had even made a dent in the darkness, so Seokjin did the only thing he could think of and asked for help to the smartest man he knew.

“Hey, man, you okay?” Namjoon asked when Jin barged into his studio one afternoon without even knocking. The king of manners never forgot something so simple.

“I’m okay, but Y/n is not. I’ve tried everything, and I can’t bring her out of this funk she’s in.”

For the next few minutes, Namjoon asked pointed questions about her behavior and her responses to Seokjin’s attempt at cheering her up. After he had basically verbally vomited all over Namjoon’s lap in RKive for nearly 45 minutes, Namjoon said the most obvious thing.

“Jin-hyung, she sounds depressed. Like seriously, clinically depressed. She has all the classic symptoms. Exhaustion, lack of sleep then sleeping too much, not much energy, disengaging, giving up activities she loves…”

Of course, Namjoon and his sexy brain would identify the thing he’d been seeing wreck the love of his life in practically no time at all. The only thing is that he really didn’t have many solutions other than trying to get her to see a doctor to talk about it. Y/n is stubborn and hates doctors, so convincing her to go would take some doing, but he had an idea of how to go about it. Seokjin thought about it more as he walked down the hallway leaving from Namjoon’s studio and gathered a game plan in his mind. He was done for the day after having recorded all of his parts early in the morning, and it was just now 2:30 in the afternoon. He has time to put things in motion before Y/n should be home from work at 5; if he makes a special dinner for her, then maybe he can soften her heart enough for her to hear him out when he asks her to please either let him in to help or to see a professional. Preferably both if things went well.

Seokjin left the building in a bit of a hurry and drove to the supermarket closest to the apartment. It was a small, family run market that regularly got ingredients in that were difficult to find in other places. Y/n had made friends with the owner’s daughter-in-law as they were from the same home country and had bemoaned how difficult it was to find ingredients for certain dishes, even in a city as big as Seoul. Seokjin planned to make this one soup that Y/n called Comfort Soup that she’d taught him to make; it was the food her mom had made her when she was a child anytime she was sick, hurt, or even just sad, and it brought a piece of her home to her now when she felt homesick. He also wanted to bake a crusty artisan loaf to go with it using the one recipe that Y/n had taught him that he could usually bake without an issue. In fact, Y/n called it the Idiot-Proof Loaf, so surely he wouldn’t screw that up. The best part was that while it took an hour and a half from start to finish, the dough only had to rise once, and finished its growth in the oven instead of multiple risings like most of the breads Y/n made. He rushed in and got all the things he needed, then popped into the florist shop next door for those silly purple roses she loved. His final stop was to a little bakery nearby where their second date had been, and bought chocolate covered strawberries and two beautiful slices of the strawberry cheesecake that they’d shared on that date.

When he finally arrived at their apartment building, Seokjin was relived to see that he’d only used 45 minutes of his precious time and had still had time to bake the bread as long as he did that first. He could make Comfort Soup while the dough rose. After unlocking the apartment door, he kicked off his shoes by the door, then took all his ingredients to the kitchen. He put away the strawberries and cheesecake in the ice box then looked down at his outfit. Even with an apron, he should change so that he isn’t covered in flour and dough.

He didn’t notice it at first. Oh my god, how could he not have noticed? He had walked into the closet to change without turning on the bedroom light, so how could he not have noticed the light filtering under the bathroom door? The light he had turned off before leaving this morning. Y/n had left first since she had an early meeting at the office before he had to be to the recording studio, and there is no reason that she should have already been home. He didn’t see her keys on the hook by the door when he came in or her shoes on the rack where they belonged. Seokjin turned around as he pulled the white t-shirt over his head and stood there perplexed for a few seconds staring at the brightness on the carpet before striding over to open the door and turn off the light.

“Oh my god, Y/n!”

He opened the door to see darkening blood on the white tile of the bathroom floor, and Y/n slumped over against the tub. Her wrist was bleeding in her lap and the shining razor blade was lying beside her on the tile. While the volume of blood was disconcerting, there wasn’t as much as he’d ever thought there would be in a situation like this, so Seokjin knew he might have a chance to save her until he noticed the empty bottle of pills in the sink. Then, came the panic.

Seokjin ripped the hand towel off the drying rack and tied it around her bleeding wrist tight enough to put pressure on the wound while he full-on sprinted to the kitchen for his cell phone. He’d left it lying on the kitchen island when he went to change, and he grabbed it and dialed for an ambulance while running back to her. The dispatcher gathered their address and told him that help was coming, but Seokjin could barely hear her. He was shaking Y/n gently trying to get her to respond. He could just barely hear a pulse when he pressed his ear to her chest and her breathing was so damn shallow it barely grazed his skin when he hovered his hand in front of her face. Oh, god, she’s so pale, he though to himself before hanging up and dropping his phone in the pocket of his sweatpants.

“Y/n, baby, can you hear me? Please wake up, please. I need you to wake up.” He didn’t even realize he was crying until he spoke, just begging her to open her eyes.

He barely registered the banging on the front door as help arrived. He didn’t want to leave her, but he had to, so he ran to the door and flung it open for the paramedics and just left the front door gaping open and ran back to the bathroom. Luckily, they took the hint and followed him back to where Y/n was still limp on the floor. They worked quickly and got her all strapped onto a stretcher and told him that he could ride to the hospital with her.

As an afterthought almost, Seokjin grabbed the empty bottle out of the sink and took it with them. Once they were in the ambulance and the paramedics were doing their jobs, Seokjin finally looked at the bottle and immediately felt worse. The empty bottle had his name on it. It had contained muscle relaxers from a couple of months ago when Seokjin had pulled a muscle in his back overworking himself and the doctor had given them to him to help him relax the muscles around it enough that he could sleep. There had been around 10 pills left in the bottle, and Y/n is so much smaller than him in size. Seokjin didn’t know much about medications but he did remember that they were prescribed taking size into consideration, and for the second time in the last 20 minutes, he realized that she might really die.

“Please, Y/n. Please. Oh God you have to wake up.” Seokjin choked on a sob before he could say anything else.

Seokjin felt like the minutes that had passed since he found her were moving through molasses, thick and slow to drip through the hourglass. The ambulance stopped in front of the hospital and the doors flung open into bright late afternoon sunlight, and this nightmare kept going. The paramedics unloaded the stretcher and Seokjin chased them into the emergency room. He kept following them through two sets of double doors, not hearing any words that were being spoken to him until a nurse physically grabbed him.

“Sir, you can’t go any further. We need space to help her,” she said then guided him into a tiny private waiting room. “Wait here and I’ll come back to update you as soon as I can.” She had just made it to the door when he remembered the bottle that he’d been squeezing.

“Here,” he said shakily. “I found this in the sink when I found her. I know that there were at least 10 left in there.”

The nurse thanked him and left quickly, shutting the door behind her. After several seconds of being attacked by the silence in the room, Seokjin’s legs couldn’t hold him up anymore and he just collapsed. He couldn’t stop crying but found the strength to pull out his phone and called Namjoon.

“Namjoon-ah, I was too late. Oh my god, I was too late,” Seokjin sobbed into the phone.

“Jin-hyung, where are you?”

After hearing that Seokjin was at the hospital, Namjoon told him that they’d all come to him. Seokjin had no concept of the flow of time as he remained crumpled on the floor when all six of his brothers tumbled in the door, and he lost it even more when Jimin and Taehyung both wrapped their arms around him. They held him while he sobbed and told them about what he’d found when he’d opened the bathroom door. After a while, Seokjin felt like his chest was gaping open and all of his internal organs were falling out at once, but the tears slowed down as the panic flooded back in; his chest constricted in terror and anxiety and sharp, wracking pain.

“I can’t breathe. Oh, my god, I can’t breathe,” he gasped out as he looked up and met eyes with Namjoon.

Jimin and Taehyung backed up a little to give him some space as Seokjin started hyperventilating. The edges of his vision were starting to get blurry and almost sparkled a bit as his body seemed to reject every breath he tried to take. He barely registered the sound of the door opening as Yoongi ran out to get help. Seokjin struggled to breathe and tried desperately to cling to consciousness as the panic attack really set in.

An unfamiliar feminine face was in front of him then, encouraging him to focus on the sound of her voice. She spoke softly and calmly to him, but she might as well have been speaking to him in Greek because he couldn’t understand any of her words. For that matter, he could just barely hear her over this loud whooshing sound in his ears. The tone of her voice was soft and forced him to focus on nothing else to try to understand what she was saying, and after a few minutes the whooshing noise quieted down enough to hear her properly and he began to lose some of the tightness in his chest.

“Seokjin-ssi, that’s it. Keep breathing slowly and deeply. You are safe. You are just having a panic attack right now, and that’s understandable. Just keep listening to my voice and keep breathing in…then out…now in again,” she murmured to him.

After she was sure that he was calm and wouldn’t panic again, she turned to the other men in the room and asked them to help Seokjin out of the floor. Jungkook stepped up with Namjoon and they physically lifted him up and into a chair. Seokjin couldn’t help them because his legs had been substituted with lemon jello that hadn’t fully set up yet.

Yoongi held a cup to his lips. “Drink, hyung,” he said softly.

Seokjin sipped obediently a few times until Yoongi was satisfied and sat the cup on a nearby table. Seokjin was shocked when Yoongi wrapped his arms around him. Yoongi rarely initiated physical shows of affection, but he understood this entire scenario in a deeper way than he wanted to admit and he knew exactly what Seokjin needed in this moment.

“Yoongichi, I think this is my fault,” Seokjin whispered into his ear.

“No, Jin-hyung. It is not your fault.”

“But I think it is. I must not have loved her well enough. I wasn’t home enough. The pills she took were mine. If I had gone to Namjoon-ah for help sooner…” Seokjin’s voice cracked and he couldn’t finish the thought.

“It is not your fault. Trust me. Do you not remember where I was emotionally when we met? And how close I came to trying too? Do you remember what I said to you the night you walked in and stopped me?” Yoongi countered gently.

“You said that you didn’t want to weigh us all down and that you’d rather hurt yourself than hurt us. And that everything is all your fault.”

“That’s right,” Yoongi replied with a soft smile. “And what did you say back to me?”

“That just because you feel like it’s your fault doesn’t mean that it is. That leaving us that way would hurt more than any burden you handed us. And to let me be your tether when you needed something to hold you down to the earth.”

“Yes, So, now I get a chance to say part of it back to you. Just because you think this is your fault doesn’t mean it is. You saved her, Jin-hyung. You are the reason she’s still breathing now, just like you are the reason I am still breathing now. Yes, she got a little closer to the fire than we’d like, but she can still come back to us. And when she does, Y/n is going to need a tether on the hard days, yeah?”

Seokjin couldn’t speak at that. He still felt like everything was his fault for not realizing what was happening sooner, but Yoongi was right. He had to stay strong because Y/n needed that right now, so he squeezed Yoongi a little tighter then let go before he started to cry again. Yoongi moved from kneeling in front of him to plant himself in the chair beside him. Now that his panic attack had stopped, Seokjin felt like someone had buried him under the weight of about 100 tons of brick. Everything was so heavy, and he was too tired to try to climb out. He finally looked around the room and took it in for the first time.

The waiting room was small but big enough for all of them. Namjoon was in the corner speaking quietly into the phone, presumably updating their managers on what was happening. Seokjin hadn’t thought to call anyone except Namjoon since Namjoon was the only person he’d spoken with about this. Jungkook was standing by the door with his arms crossed, almost as if he was standing guard over his brothers; his stance portrayed his worry a bit in that his first instinct when one of his hyungs was hurting was to cry with them, then protect them if he could. Hoseok was sitting on a small couch on the left side of the room smashed in between Jimin and Taehyung, both folded into Hobi for security and comfort. Hobi had both boys tucked under his arms and was trying to help them stay calm. Both Jimin and Taehyung were empaths and this scenario had them both on edge from the emotions in the room. Jimin still had tears running down his cheeks from the fear of Seokjin’s panic attack and worry for his friend. Taehyung was staring at Jin with wide eyes, seemingly trying to decide if he was okay and what he should do to help.

“I’m okay, Taehyungie,” Seokjin said softly. “I’m just scared.”

Taehyung got up and moved to sit at Seokjin’s feet and wrapped his arms around Seokjin’s legs. It was a small gesture, but somehow it helped to settle some of the remaining anxiety in the pit of Jin’s stomach, and he knew that the physical contact would help Tae relax a bit.

Time seemed to stop moving. Seokjin had no concept of how long they had been in this room. It could have been seconds, or it could have been 10 years, but not knowing what was happening with Y/n was making him crazy. Just when he thought that he couldn’t handle another minute of this stretching unnerving silence, there was a knock at the door, then the doctor stepped in.

“Kim Seokjin?” he asked.

“That’s me. How is she?” Jin stuttered out.

“She’s still alive, but in critical condition. She had lost quite a lot of blood when you found her. We had to give her three pints just to stabilize her. We also did have to pump her stomach for the pills she had taken. We wouldn’t have known about that if you hadn’t brought the bottle in. Honestly, if you had found her 5 minutes later, the outcome may have been very different. As it is, she’s still very weak and unconscious. Hopefully, she will wake up in the next few days, but we still have to wait and see.”

“Can I see her?” Seokin asked.

“Yes, but just be prepared. Her color is still really pale, and she’s hooked up to quite a few monitors. We have also inserted a ventilation tube to help her with breathing for tonight. We hope to remove it tomorrow morning, but we can take it out sooner if she wakes up before then. It’s not standard, but due to the scenario, you may want to bring someone with you,” the doctor advised then smiled softly. “I really think she will be okay, but I can’t be 100% sure.”

Seokjin looked around the room at each of his brothers, meeting eyes with Yoongi last. “Come with me?” he whispered. Yoongi nodded then stood. Taehyung unwrapped himself from around Seokjin’s legs and allowed the two men to follow the doctor out of the room.

The doctor lead them down a seemingly endless hallway before they arrived at a set of double doors. The doctor waved his name badge in front of a keypad and the doors swung open to another hallway. They walked past 4 doors before the doctor stopped and knocked on a door on the left side then let them in.

“Just let me know if you have any questions. I’ll be in to check on her in a couple of hours,” he told them before leaving and closing the door.

Seokjin watched the door close before he finally looked at Y/n lying in the bed. It was like he was standing in his worst nightmare and couldn’t wake up. She looked so small lying there, and so, so pale. There was an IV coming out of her right arm that connected to a couple of bags of fluid hanging limply from a pole beside the bed. There was a plastic mask over her mouth connected with the ventilator at the bedside, and wires that connected from cathodes on her chest to a large beeping heart monitor on the left side of the bed. At the shock of seeing Y/n like this, his knees almost buckled. He would have hit the floor if Yoongi hadn’t grabbed him. Yoongi guided him over to the chair beside the bed and helped him sit down.

“She almost looks dead, Yoongi. Oh my god…” he whimpered.

Yoongi didn’t say anything, he just grabbed Seokjin’s hand and held it tight. It had been nearly 5 years since the night Seokjin had walked in on him with a knife in his hand standing in the bathtub of their shared bathroom. Seokjin had talked him down that night and 3 more times since. Yoongi can’t help but think that while he has recovered so much, this could have been him at some point, and his chest ached. He hurt for his friend lying in the bed, and he ached for his brother who loved her so much and he was upset with himself for not being able to help either of them. He settled on being as comforting to Seokjin as he possibly could and released his hand just long enough to drag an empty chair up beside him, then grabbing his hand again.

Seokjin gently held Y/n’s hand in his right and Yoongi’s in his left. He tried to take the comfort he got from Yoongi’s hand and pour it into the gentle grip he maintained on Y/n’s hand. Tears were dripping silently down his cheeks as he watched the machine take breaths for her and listened to the beeping of the heart monitor. The heart monitor’s sound was comforting somehow as the steady beating reminded him that every beep was a beat of her heart. Seokjin just sat and stared at her motionless form in the bed, and after a while, the beeping of the heart monitor lulled him to sleep without him realizing he’d drifted off.

A loud frantic alarm went off and Seokjin jarred awake, taking a second to remember where he was and why he was there. When he jerked upright, Yoongi’s head fell off of his shoulder where it had landed and Yoongi woke up too. The heart monitor was beeping loudly and erratically now.

“Oh god, Yoongi get help. Something’s wrong.”

Yoongi ran out into the hallway, and Seokjin could vaguely recognize his voice calling for the nurses to come help. Y/n’s eyes hadn’t opened, but she looked paler than she had been and Seokjin couldn’t help but to panic.

“Y/n, no! Please wake up! You can’t leave me like this,” Jin cried, shaking her gently.

The nurses ran in just before that same alarm that shocked him awake sounded again, and they shoved Seokjin out the door and out of the way to have room to work.

“No, please! I need to be with her! Please! Y/n! Y/N! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME. PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!” Seokjin started screaming and crying trying to fight off the arms that were holding him back.

Yoongi spun him around to face him then and pulled him into a hug. “Hyung, you have to let them work. You have to let them help her.”

Seokjin felt like he had lost all control and he wasn’t sure he could just stand here when his entire world was behind that closed door dying. At the same time, he didn’t know what he could do to help, and he was so angry that he couldn’t just fix this. Seokjin let Yoongi lead him a few feet away from the door so they wouldn’t be blocking the way if anyone needed to come in or out. After an eternity it seemed, the nurses opened the door and called Seokjin over.

“I’m sorry for shoving you out the door. The alarm you were hearing was the heart rate monitor. Her blood pressure was dropping, and we had to give her a big shot of some medication to correct that. She has stabilized a bit and you can go back in and wait with her if you’d like.”

Seokjin just nodded and walked back in and headed back to his chair at the bedside. Yoongi grabbed his hand and squeezed it for a moment before speaking, “Hyung, I’m going to go update everyone. I know they are all worried about what’s happening. I’ll send someone else to come back with you for a bit so that they can visit Y/n too. They love her too.”

“Okay,” Seokjin whispered. “Would you send Joon-ah?”

“Of course I will.”

After Seokjin heard the door click closed, he took a closer look at Y/n. She was still so pale and looked like she was so breakable. Even through all of that, she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, and he couldn’t just sit there by the bedside anymore. He needed to hold her in his arms, so he gently navigated all of the wires and tubes to climb in the bed beside her and wrap his arms around her as gently as he could. The bed was so small, but his entire body relaxed a bit when he was able to feel her beside him. Seokjin kissed her gently on the temple before speaking softly into her ear.  

“Baby, I hope you can hear me. I love you so much. I am so sorry that I didn’t realize what was happening with you sooner. I tried so hard to help in subtle ways and not to force you to open up about what was going wrong. I should have pushed even if we fought. I’d rather live with the knowledge that you are angry with me than for you to not be alive at all. Please. Please, don’t leave me.” Seokjin couldn’t stop himself from sobbing into Y/n’s hair, and he was so exhausted with worry and fear. After a few more minutes, he had cried himself back to sleep.

As Seokjin’s sleep addled brain woke back up a few hours later, he had difficulty remembering where he was, but then he opened his eyes and reality bitch-slapped him in the face. He glanced down to see Y/n still unconscious beside him. He needed to visit the restroom and something to drink. He had cried so much that his entire body felt like it was drying up from the inside out. He slowly sat up and maneuvered out of the bed so that he wouldn’t disconnect any of the vital tubes and wires connected to her and got out of the bed. When he did, he saw Namjoon slumped over asleep in the chair he’d vacated the night before and smiled a bit to himself before slipping into the connected bathroom.

Seokjin stared at himself in the mirror as he washed his hands. While he still was as handsome as he’d ever been, his eyes were swollen and a bit red from crying and sleeping in his contacts. His hair was sticking up everywhere too from sleep, and there was a big brown streak of dried blood across his white tee from where he’d found Y/n. He looked like hell. He splashed some water on his face a bit then came out of the bathroom. As much as he didn’t want to leave her, he wanted to check on the others down the hallway. After exiting the restroom, he sat down beside Namjoon and lightly shook him.

“Namjoon-ah, wake up.”

Namjoon startled awake a bit, looking around to see what was happening. “Wha…What’s going on? Did something happen?”

“No, nothing has changed. I just want to walk down the hall to check on the others and get a cup of coffee. Will you stay with her please? I don’t want her to be alone when she wakes up. I just feel like I’m going to lose my mind if I stay still in this room for another second.”

Namjoon agreed immediately, and Seokjin rose and left the room as quietly as possible. He wondered down the hallway and back to the double doors. There was a sign beside the door that notated a 4-digit code so that he could get back in without a doctor’s name badge upon his return, so he committed that to memory before heading back into the room where he’d left the others. He walked in and saw Yoongi and Hoseok curled up on the sofa, cuddled up together asleep. The maknaes were all three curled up in the floor together using cushions they had removed from the chairs around the room as pillows, but they were all touching. Jungkook was in the middle, with Taehyung draped around him. Taehyung had one arm and one leg thrown across Jungkook, and Jimin was holding his hand. Jimin was lying with his left side pushed against Jungkook’s side and his head tilted so that it touched Jungkook’s shoulder. Seokjin chuckled a bit at the sight, glad that he had these men as his family. At the sound of his laugh, Hoseok looked over at Seokjin where he was standing just inside the door. Hoseok had always been the lightest sleeper of the group, and any sound would disrupt him.

“Hyung?” Hoseok asked, “Is Y/n awake?”

“No, Seokie, she’s not. But I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust from not being able to help her, so I came out to get some coffee.”

“Oh.” Hoseok’s face fell as he learned that Y/n was still not awake. “Sejin-hyung brought you a change of clothes and a toothbrush in the middle of the night. Joonie told him about how you…about your shirt.”

Seokjin found the bag in the corner of the room, so thankful at how much like family their managers were with them. They had always looked after all 7 as if they were their own children, so when something happened to 1 member, it happed to the entire staff too. Seokjin stepped into the small bathroom connected to the waiting room to change and brush his teeth and immediately felt a bit calmer. There had been black sweatpants, a white tee shirt and an oversized blue sweater in the bag. The sweater helped immensely. It was the one that Y/n had stolen to sleep in the other day, so her scent was still woven into the fabric and it helped him to stay calm and hopeful. He stepped out into the waiting room to see that the maknaes were starting to stir a bit.

“Jin-hyung, I’m going to get coffee and breakfast for everyone. Can I bring you something?” Jimin asked.

“Just coffee, Minnie. I don’t think I can stomach the thought of food at the moment. I’m going to head back to Y/n, so just call when you get back and I’ll come out and get the coffee.”

Seokjin then headed back towards Y/n’s room in the intensive care unit. He heard Namjoon screaming for someone to come before he got back through the double doors and his heart nearly exploded in fear. What if she’s crashing again, he thought to himself as he was running down the hall. He nearly collided with Namjoon midway there. Namjoon grabbed both his arms to keep from falling backwards, before he said two words that made Seokjin’s heart flutter from relief.

“She’s awake.”

[moviechats]

Way Too Early Predictions: Oscars 2020

Hello. It’s me, again.

I know we’re still digesting Hollywood’s Biggest Night and reminiscing about the past few months of Awards and Honors (just me....?). But it’s time to put that behind us. We’re looking towards the future now.

I always enjoy award season, even if it is disappointing and I’m left bitter and defeated. But guess what? We always have next year to look forward to. And now we’re going to take a sneak peak at what may be on the horizon for 2020.

It’s time...for my Way Too Early Oscar Predictions

During the Oscars this year we were treated to a nice little teaser for Martin Scorsese’s latest film, the Irishman which will most likely be competing next year. I’ve been following this film since it was announced, ready for the Oscar potential that comes with any Scorsese film. Right now, all that’s listed for a synopsis on IMDB is, “A mob hitman recalls his possible involvement with the slaying of Jimmy Hoffa.“ I mean...sign me up right there. The cast also features Oscar veterans, Al Pacino and Robert De Niro, as well as Joe Pesci and Harvey Keitel. It’s been a hot minute since Scorsese’s last Best Director win and even his last nomination. The only thing that slows this train down for me is the fact it’s been scooped up by Netflix. I still don’t think Netflix movies should be considered for Oscars and I absolutely hate watching movies at home that should be seen in the theater. Unless Netflix releases this into theaters and acts as a distributor, I may not be as hyped about this when it’s actually released as I am now. But...I’m still super into this and wouldn’t be at all surprised if it becomes an award show darling.

Potential nominations: Picture, Director, Acting, Screenplay

Speaking of another film starting it’s campaign early...

The first full trailer for the Elton John biopic, Rocket Man just dropped this past week and you know after the success of Bohemian Rhapsody they’ll be setting their sights on awards. Taron Egerton seems a high prospect for a Best Actor nomination and I’d love to see this nominated for costumes (the same way I wanted Bohemian to be nominated...iconic looks!). I’m super excited about this one since I just caught Elton on his last tour and, to be honest, I love any movie about musicians (but don’t classify them as musicals!). Several articles have already claimed Taron has started his campaign for award seasons (after he showed up to sing at Elton’s annual Oscar party), and honestly why shouldn’t he? The only foreseeable problem (besides the possibility it could always be terrible...we’ve only seen the trailer) is that it comes out in May. In entertainment terms, it’s practically an eternity between May and true Oscar season. I mean, A Star is Born came out in October (although it premiered in August at the Venice Film Festival) and lost steam so fast, by the time January rolled around it seemed like a distant memory. I’m not sure this could pull off a Best Picture nomination. It will probably depend on what else is nominated and how many films they decide.

Potential nominations: Picture, Acting, Screenplay, Costumes, Cinematography

It’s not a biopic, but another film based on a true story coming in hot is  A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, a film featuring Tom Hanks as the iconic Mr. Rogers. It’s not a biopic about Rogers’ life, but rather a true story revolving around his friendship with journalist Tom Junod. I’m personally glad it’s not a biopic or biography-type movie, since we already had the phenomenal documentary released this past year. Tom Hanks has already started generating Oscar buzz even though all we’ve been granted is a single photo of him in character. That’s all we need, though! Tom is the perfect choice to play the kind and gentle Rogers and a Best Actor nomination is probably on the horizon. It’s also directed by Marielle Heller who helmed one of my favorite films of 2018, Can You Ever Forgive Me. I sincerely hope the Academy fixes their screw up of 2018 and nominates her next year. I’d like to say it’s a lock, but since she’s a woman, who knows (yes I’m throwing shade at the Academy. I’ll do it all day)? With a November release date, they definitely have awards on the brain.

Potential nominations: Actor, Director, Screenplay

The film that I’m personally the most excited for is Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. I love Tarantino films and really just Tarantino in general. When the announcement about this film was initially made, it mentioned the Manson murders and, despite my love for Tarantino, I will admit I rolled my eyes and thought “not another one.” But the synopsis has shifted, now listed on IMDB as “A faded TV actor and his stunt double strive to achieve fame and success in the film industry during the final years of Hollywood's Golden Age in 1969 Los Angeles” with Wikipedia mentioning all of this taking place during the same time as the Manson murder. So now I’m more intrigued. Where does Sharon Tate fit in? How do they Manson murders come in to play? Oh my goodness I already can’t wait for this film. As if that wasn’t enough, our main leads are two former Hollywood “It” men, Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio. As far as I can remember, the two have never starred in a film together which is insane. The film also boats a cast that includes Margot Robbie, Dakota Fanning, Al Pacino, and Kurt Russell. With all those names, it seems likely that someone will land an acting nomination. There’s probably going to be stiff competition, but I’d love if Leonardo snagged another Best Actor (or  even Supporting Actor) nomination and it’d be great to see Brad Pitt maybe even win. Hollywood loves Hollywood and they seem pretty fond of Tarantino, so I wouldn’t be surprised with a Best Picture nod and maybe even a Golden Globe win. Tarantino has also won the Original Screenplay Oscar twice, so a nomination seems almost given. This also marks his ninth movie, which if he sticks with the plan, will be his second to last before his retirement (or long hiatus. I have a hard time believing he’d be gone for long). If he starts playing that up again, it could help boost him to a nomination, if not a win.

Predicted nominations: Director, Acting, Screenplay,

Some other titles being tossed around...

Harriet, about the life of Harriet Tubman, has started gaining steam. I haven’t read too much about it yet, but given the powerful figure it’s about, it seems ripe for Award Season. Predicted nominations: Best Picture and Best Actress.

The Report made quite the splash at Sundance. I have mixed feelings, since I usually find any films about our government not directed by Adam McKay to be boring and dry. Listen, we live with the government, we don’t need to be reminded of what’s going on. But this one does have two of my favorite people, Adam Driver and Annette Bening, and started generating Oscar buzz as soon as its premier was over. I’d die if Adam Driver makes another trip to the Academy Awards and I don’t know what I’d do if he wins. Annette Bening may be our Glenn Close of next season, as she has also never won an Oscar and it could be her time. Predicted nominations: Picture, Actress, (supporting) Actor, Screenplay

Little Women will be Greta Gerwig’s next feature film, following on the success of Lady Bird, which saw it’s own Oscar acknowledgement (although it left empty handed). I’ve never been a fan of the story, but to be honest I’ve never read all of it. I’m giving this a chance since I love Greta and the cast includes her darling Saoirse Ronan and everybody’s boyfriend Timothée Chalamet, as well as Emma Watson, Florence Pugh (my favorite fresh face) and Meryl Streep (an Oscar staple). Could this be incredibly boring? Yes. But it could also be an award season favorite since it is a period piece. The Academy loves those.. Predicted nominations: Picture, Director, Screenplay, Costumes.

These are just some of the titles that have been thrown around so far. After my least favorite year for film in a long time, I’m looking forward to this new crop. Tarantino, Scorsese, Gerwig, a film with Adam Driver, and biopics abound! I’m so ready for 2019. Here we go.

[they-know-not-what]

The Winchester Recital

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part 5

Part Six - Eating

They don’t eat. (Trigger warning for EDNOS/poor self-image/poor self-esteem - please don’t read if you don’t want to)

They don’t eat.

Not like normal people do. Some days there are no worries, they order pizza, they bake cookies, they pick up sandwiches on the way back from lectures.

Other days are different.

It’s not that he doesn’t know that his body needs fuel to function. That’s how he has to think of it sometimes, as fuel, a purely mechanical process. He’s lost count of the amount meals he had chewed and swallowed down without tasting. But he’d been able to do it; whilst hunting. There were set amounts of protein and carbohydrates that he made sure to consume. He rationalised it as keeping his family safe. Sometimes he had blips, but Dad was never around to notice, and Dean seemed to think it was normal behaviour for him.               Sam has always been a health “freak”, as Dean would say. Often forgoing the greasy diner food that was all that they had the money for. John had no time to coddle kids who wouldn’t eat the food in front of them. Dean was not so easy to convince. Weedling Sam with fries until Sam would put away a portion just to make him happy, hustling pool when they were staying in town in order to stack their fridge with “rabbit food” as he put it.

Other times he had been less sympathetic.

               “For god’s sake, Sam! Stop being such a diva and eat the damn burger!” Sam would stubbornly purse his lips shut and push the plate away. “Fine, see if I care!”                Sam was stubborn, but he had learnt that stubbornness from Dean, and the burger would always make it back to the motel room, wrapped up to go by the underpaid waitress.                “You’re being selfish” Dean hissed before jamming his headphones over his head and blasting Metallica from his busted up cassette player, before crossing his arms and shutting his eyes, as if he even couldn’t bear to look at Sam at that moment.                This had been after a particularly stressful day of travelling and arguing between all three of the Winchesters, which John had promptly escaped after dinner by heading off to the nearest bar after tossing Dean the keys. Sam had been in no mood to acquiesce to any requests made of him, and had promptly dropped the wrapped up burger in the bin, making sure that Dean had seen.                Now though, the guilt was compacting in his chest, and he walked back over to the bin and picked it out, glad that in his strop he hadn’t unwrapped it. The burger was cold, which was obviously his fault, and unappetising which was just standard for cheap burgers, but he ate every bite – ignoring the way it made his stomach roll.                Later on, when Dean comes around, he finds the empty burger wrapper on the side table between the two beds with something scribbled on it in black biro.

“Sorry, Dean”

When Sam wakes up on the lumpy sofa, covered in the comforter from Dean’s bed. The smell of the godforsaken burger is too strong. He wrinkles his nose and realises the wrapper is right next to his face.

“Sorry bitch”

Sam smiles and mutters “jerk” to the darkened room.

So yeah, Sam has blips.

Jess is different.

She is a product of a society of which Sam has barely been a part. She’s spent her whole life being told that she has to be pretty, funny, smart. Thin but curvy in the right places, she shouldn’t diet but should somehow maintain a perfect figure, exercise with a face full of un-smudged make up and styled hair. And she does it without a second thought. Sam can’t help but admire her ability to adjust at whatever’s thrown at her. Sometimes he doesn’t understand how she’s so well adjusted.

Sometimes she isn’t.

Jess was meant to meet Sam twenty minutes ago, there was a party going on downstairs that she had been so excited about and so he had reluctantly agreed to go. What the hell, Sam isn’t much of a drinker, but it could be fun.                He doesn’t want to rush her, he figures the hair and the makeup and that cool thing she does with her eyeliner must take time. He also doesn’t want to seem crazy. His hunter instincts are screaming at him that something awful must be happening, but Brandy told him to “chill out, chicks take their time.” Sam makes it another five minutes before he’s leaving the party as quickly as is socially acceptable – and even that gets him a few strange looks. As soon as he’s out of eyeshot he sprints to her room, banging on the door with urgency. Yeah, he doesn’t have a weapon, but he’ll use a lamp of a chair or whatever as long as she’s safe and-

               “Sam?”                “Jess?” he’s in her room as soon as she opens the door, holding her close, looking around for the danger. It takes him a second to realise she’s crying. Well, she was crying. Shock at his arrival and apparent impending insanity has rendered her quiet, but her face is still wet, eyelashes fused together with smeared makeup and tears. “Jess, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? What’s happened?” he holds her at arms’ length and inspects her from head to toe. She uses the distance to break out of his hold, and turns away from him, wiping her face as she does so. It doesn’t have the desired effect, and she seems to only succeed in smearing it worse.                “I’m not going to the party Sam, I don’t feel like it.” Her voice softened “You should go back and have fun. I’m sorry.” She walks away from him and shuts the door behind her, hiding herself in the separate area that houses her bed.

Well done Sam, you had a girlfriend for a whole six months before she realised you were batshit crazy. Good job.

“Jess?” he knocks on the door before opening it, taking the fact that she hadn’t locked it as a good sign. She’s curled up on her bed, hiding her face in her knees. The room, which is normally fairly neat with only a sweater or so on the floor, is so covered in clothes, Sam can barely see the carpet.                “Go away, Sam.” There’s no malice in it, she just sounds small, and tired. He takes a single step into the room and lowers his voice.                “I will, I will go if that’s what you want. But please Jess, tell me what’s wrong with you. How can I help?” She mumbles something into her knees that he can’t catch. “Sorry?” she looks up suddenly, eyes still filled with tears, muscles tensed.                “I said I’m ugly! Sam!”                “Ugly… ? What-?”                “Yes I’m ugly, and hideous and- and – fat!!” she spits the word, and she’s grabbing at her arms and legs now, slightly hysterical pinching every ounce of skin she can get her hands on as if this somehow proves what she’s saying.                “Jess, if there’s one thing I know it’s that none of that is true.” He says gently.

               “Then you clearly don’t know very much!” she rolls over onto her side, turning away from him. He takes a chance, and sits down on the other side of the bed, keeping out of her personal space.

               “Actually, I think you’ll find I’m very smart” he quips and grins cheekily. It’s a grin that just last week she had described as ‘adorable’, now she looks as though she’s considering slapping it off his face. He holds up his hands in placation as she rolls over, but instead of going for him she grabs her own stomach, squeezing again.

               “Then why do I look like this?!” she demands angrily, until after a second, when all the fight seems to go out of her again and she sags into the bed, chest heaving with silent sobs. And Sam feels a momentary rush of anger that to see Jess look so defeated.

She should never look that.

He takes her hands gently, turns them over as if examining them, pecks kisses on each short but carefully painted nail.

               “You look like this, because I’ve seen these hands play the most beautiful piano I’ve ever heard, and make the most amazing cookies I’ve ever tasted.” He strokes up and down her arms, over her shoulders and neck.

Gently, always gentle with Jess.

“I’ve seen you carry fundraising buckets for entire weekends which are always full of change because no-one can say no to you.” His right thumb rests on her lips as his left one caresses her cheek. “I’ve heard this mouth tell the most

wicked

jokes and speak somewhat-passable French.” She taps his arm lightly, in mock annoyance. “You look like this, because at some point a couple of stars must have fallen from the sky to become your eyes. You look like this, because my girlfriend is the most beautiful, funny and talented woman in the world.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “So please don’t make her cry by saying mean things about her, because I love her more than anything in the world. She’s the axis my universe revolves around.”

               “Good answer, Sam Winchester.” She murmurs.

               “I told you I was smart.”

[lagroupie]

Interview : Howlin’ Jaws (ENG)

Howlin’ Jaws through my Olympus Trip.

A few weeks ago, I took the train to Solothurn to meet the Howlin’ Jaws. They were playing a small 50s themed festival called Rock This Town, and they were also one of the youngest bands in the line up. By doing some research and getting to know them in person, I noticed we had a lot in common besides our age- they knew my hometown Lausanne really well, played with Shannon and the Clams (I’m a fan and even got to meet them four years ago!), and liked The Stray Cats- Needless to say the interview was a lot of fun. Even though it was really hot and the festival organization wasn’t the best, the band played a great show and made the sound people freak out, which I think was awesome. Join us as we talk about their lives in Paris, their latest EP Burning House, their intense Japan tour, and much more.

Welcome to Switzerland!

Lucas: Thanks! That’s cool that you got in touch with us.

Djivan: (ndlr: using a swiss idiom) C’est monstre cool. (laughs)

You said it so well, I barely noticed! It sounded very natural. It’s not the first time you’re playing in Switzerland right?

Baptiste: Yeah, it’s the third or fourth time I think?

Lucas: At least. We played in Lausanne twice, once at the Brasserie du Château and another time at Docteur Gab’s. Both times revolving around breweries! (laughs) We played in Bern and Basel as well.

Tell me a bit about your lives in Paris. What is a typical day like when you’re not touring?

Baptiste: I wake up and then I go hunting. (laughs)

Djivan: Usually we’re exhausted, because we party a lot.

Baptiste: Then we have to send emails and rehearse.

Djivan: Yeah, actually we rehearse and party a lot. Because that’s a big part of a musician’s life, networking with night owls!

Lucas: Just like athletes who have to maintain their cardio, we have to keep our rhythm by drinking every night. (laughs)

Baptiste: So yeah, a lot of rehearsals, and appointments with the people we work with. It’s great.

Howlin’ Jaws in action, through my old Canon.

That sounds so nice! I read in other interviews that you guys didn’t really have any side jobs.

Djivan: Yeah, actually I make microphones. If anyone is interested, it’s called Hepcat Pickups- great guitar and bass mics. We’re working with a guy called Stéphane Beaussart, it’s really cool.

Lucas: I’m doing a bit of freelance design. Plastic toys, speakers, things like that. Not much though.

Djivan: We actually have an engineer-designer in the band!

Baptiste: I do sculpting on the side. I sculpt stage-sets and I’m also an artistic sculptor.

Djivan: Baptiste has the intermittent du spectacle status (ndlr: a special status in France allowing people working in the music and art industry to get financial help from the state to make their art). Lucas and I are trying to get it as well, so we do everything we can to fit the requirements and work the necessary hours.

Baptiste: This doesn’t exist in Switzerland right?

No, it doesn’t. All my friends who are in bands are working on the side… It’s hard.

Djivan: Yeah. You have to make a living somehow.

Howlin’ Jaws in action again, through my old Canon.

I wanted to talk about your latest EP as well, Burning House. Where are you guys on the cover?

Lucas: We are in Chinagora. That’s in Alfortville, south east of Paris. You can see it from the périph’. I always thought the place was abandoned, it looks like a giant Chinese restaurant with a green roof and dragons. Actually, we went there and it isn’t abandoned at all, it’s a hotel with security cameras and people are coming and going! So we were there, and in the picture it looks like we’re in an industrial zone, that’s pretty funny.

Djivan: It’s by a photographer called Mauro Fiorito. He’s a friend of ours, he’s very talented. A great DJ too.

Baptiste: He is a fashion photographer as well.

Djivan: So he came and took pictures of us, and it made us very happy. We did great shots with him.

Baptiste: We liked one of these pictures so much that we used it for the cover. It was originally shot on a black and white film. Then we asked a graphist artist to colorize it.

Lucas: It’s our friend Vincent Vidor, aka Vangogo Artwork. We’re very happy about the result!

How did you proceed while making the EP? I though there was a slight change in terms of style- it sounds like you added some 60s into it!

Lucas: (ndlr: using French slang, saying that he agrees) Grave. De ouf!

That was very French of you! Grave de ouf! (laughs)

Lucas: A year ago, we knew that we would be recording in a month- so June 2017. So we worked a lot on these songs, whether it was on songwriting, sound or arranging. Then we went to Studio Mercredi9 in Paris. We spent about 5 days there. And we recorded everything on tape. We were able to use new ideas, things we had never done before.

Baptiste: We did the three first singles two or three years before the EP. So during three years we toured a lot, practiced our instruments, met a lot of people, played a lot of festivals… So we soaked up as much as we could, and then went into the studio with all these new ideas. So this EP is the logical evolution of our music.

Lucas: And now, we’re very happy about the result and we’re writing new songs already. We’re doing it all again for more songs, more cool and more wow and more monstre! (laughs)

Lucas through my Olympus Trip...

Could we talk about my favorite song off the EP as well? It’s Three Days!

Everybody: Woo! (laughs)

Lucas: That’s great to hear, it varies from people to people. That’s so cool.

Djivan: Some people have several favorites, some of them like I’m Mad a lot…

Lucas: But in general, the winners are Oh Well and Three Days.

Djivan: Yeah. She’s Gone has a lot of success too.

Baptiste: Three Days almost didn’t make it on the EP. We arrived in the studio with ten songs, and we had to choose 6. We hesitated a lot, Djivan really wanted to put it on the EP.

Djivan: I always believed in that song.

Lucas: Same here.

Baptiste: so in the end we put in the EP, and people really like it.

Lucas: Now it’s your turn to be interviewed. Why do you like this song? (laughs)

Well… I think the melody is very well written, and the chords at the beginning made me laugh because it reminded me of the Beatles! I also like when you sing “you know you crossed the line-line…” I think that was a great idea.

Djivan: When I listen to this song, I imagine myself driving a convertible car on an empty American road with cactus! And I would drive like this under the sun, while listening to this song…

Lucas: I imagine myself riding a scooter in Vercors. No helmet! (laughs) But yeah, we listen to the Beatles a lot. For vocal harmonies and arrangements for example.

...And here is Djivan.

Today you will play a show in the afternoon. Do you notice any differences when playing in the afternoon versus in the evening?

Djivan: Absolutely.

Lucas: Playing in the afternoon sucks, while playing in the evening is cool! (laughs)

Djivan: Nah, playing in the afternoon is cool too. But it depends on the state you and the crowd are in. It’s true that when you play late, people are more, let’s say, uninhibited; there is always a better atmosphere. However, playing in the afternoon is cool too. But the problem is that today is too early for us! We partied a lot yesterday.

Baptiste: We have done early concerts in the past that went really well. The atmosphere is just different.

Djivan: But playing outside is better in the afternoon. Too bad they put the stage inside while it’s so warm.

I also wanted to talk about your Japan tour. I heard there is a big rock’n’roll scene there. Did you notice any differences between the Japanese and the European crowd?

Everybody: Yes!

Baptiste: There is a huge scene over there.

Djivan: Japanese people are crazy!

Baptiste: The crowd really is the craziest. People over there are really into entertainment, the shows were insane. It was hard, because the standards were very high from the beginning. The bands playing before us were incredible. We ended the tour with a festival where we saw almost 50 bands in two days! Whether it was the small bands or the headliners, every show was amazing, very energetic. So people were very receptive to the atmosphere.

Lucas: And for the first time, we saw – I don’t know whether it happened during our shows – people sleeping near the stage! They drink and party so much from 5pm until 5am that they start to fall asleep with their heads on their bags, and people just leave them there. But they are 20 meters from the stage.

Finally, what can we expect from Howlin’ Jaws in the future?

Lucas: We are currently preparing our new babies, writing little songs that we like a lot.

Djivan: We will make a new album pretty soon, it’s coming.

Lucas: We have a new music video coming as well.

Djivan: We are working on a lot of great things, it’s going to be awesome.

https://www.facebook.com/Howlin.Jaws/

[greasygyeom]

Title: FaceTime

By: GreasyGyeom

Summary: He’s been away for a while. Yugyeom x Reader. Dirty Talk/Smut/Fluff.

Playlist: 170909

Author’s Note: This is another smut(?) something I wrote instead of the smut that I was supposed to???? I have fallen down a terrible path. I hope you enjoy it and suffer with me <3

It's a quarter past midnight and you're sleepless; sleepless because you miss him; sleepless because you want nothing more than to be in his arms and ask him to sing you to sleep. You miss his voice. You miss his laugh. Your head is so heavy with this thoughts you think it might spontaneously combust into the night sky.

Fuck, you miss him so much.

He's been on the road for almost a month. He's going to be on the road for the next month too. You don't know how much longer you can go without seeing him because face-timing for 3.5 minutes, once a week only always made things worse.

You're standing by your french windows and staring at the moon play hide and seek with the clouds. Maybe it'll hypnotise you enough to put you to bed.

You look at your phone. It's around 10pm in Bangkok. You debate about messaging him. He could be eating out or sleeping in, and you'd rather not disturb him while doing either.

Sighing heavily, you glance back at the blue-black expanse and decide to go to bed yourself. It's a working day tomorrow after all. You'll just have to find a way to not miss him through the night.

"Goonight, Kyummie, come home soon." You say, with your heart rapidly sinking into the depths of your sadness. The universe, however, has a different plan.

Your phone screen lights up because of a call.

On FaceTime.

You usually always pre-planned these calls. Well actually, he usually always pre-planned them so you could work your schedule around, to not miss them.

You don’t know why but you feel nervous to answer it. You’re also just as excited at the prospect of seeing his bright star-studded smile.

You pick up the call as you drop on your bed.

"Noona, why are you awake?" he says as soon as his face comes into focus on the small screen.

He's lying down in a white robe, with the bed cover pulled up to his neck. His hair is wet and stuck to his forehead. Somewhere in the distance you can hear a siren going off - maybe the sirens were just in your head because of your first few dirty thoughts.

Of course he had to call you after a shower, looking so soft and cuddly. You're too giddy in the stomach at his sight —you could probably use the colour from your cheeks to paint some apples and strawberries on a large canvas or two.

Still, you manage to roll your eyes at him. "I'm an adult, Kyum, I can stay awake till whatever time I want."

"Says the girl who watches Totoro and cries every time."

"Hey, My Neighbour Totoro is an extremely sophisticated movie revolving around themes of friendship, kindness and hope, okay. It's cute and fuzzy but also very deep. And you're one to talk, you made me run to the airport so you could take your favourite blanket along."

He rolls over and almost drops his phone, laughing.

"Aah, seriously noona. You're too much," he says, still cackling.

You scrunch up your nose in protest.

"You don't have work tomorrow?"

"I do, I was just.... going to bed", you lie. He'd never let you live if he got to know you were crying because you missed him.

You change the topic hurriedly. "How come you're free? I thought you'd be out."

"I didn't go. They all went to some club."

"Oh my god, Kim Yugyeom declined an offer to go to the club to party. Is this real life?" You tease, exaggeratedly.

"Yes, I stayed. I was missing you", he says with a look in his eyes. It almost burns you to the ground. "Aren't you glad I called?"

"I am," you reply, avoiding his gaze. A flush of emotions whirl around in your mind — an odd mixture of lust and gloom.

You look for a diversion and start talking about the shows. He tells you about the stages, the stylists and the backstage fuck-ups. The hotels, the travel, the airport stories, the shopping sprees, all the times he pranked his hyungs, the landscapes, the cities, the weather and how it rained so heavily on their off-day he had to cancel his touristy plans. Everything he had not been able to tell you for the past month he unloads on you in a single sitting. Time seems to go nowhere.

You pay him your utmost attention, laughing, expressing concern and sometimes even cursing wherever required; as his stories proceed.

"Noona, guess how many choco-shakes I've had?"

"You're keeping count Kyummie," you laugh, "Why are you so cute?"

"I'm not cute!" He protests.

"You are, you're the cutest."

He hates it when you teasingly call him cute. So, he rests the the phone against his knees and effortlessly slides his arms out of the robe.

"Am I still cute, noona?”

In a split second everything about him flips.

There's that look again in his eyes. The softness they held when he was talking about his tour is nowhere to be found. They look sharp and intent, swirling with an audacious desire, drowning you in them. You inhale a sharp, deep breath. His torso is entirely visible, revealing his lean form. He fluffs up his pillow and lays down flat on his back, holding the phone up with one hand.

You watch his movements, without mouthing a word, a smirk curls up on your lips; knowing full well what he intends to achieve.

"Noona, do you miss me?" He asks, licking his lips rather enticingly.

"What do I get in return for answering that?"

He moans —

— and gets you hot and bothered without even trying. He knows his little trick has worked, because you're subconsciously running your fingers along the side of your neck.

He angles the reading light on the opposite end towards him and turns, in bed, to face it. He supports the phone with a stray pillow, and just gazes at you, like nothing else exists in his world.

You can see his skin all the way to the beginning of his pelvic bone. It unleashes a hurricane in your body, rapidly rushing down towards your core.

"I want you here, Kyum, right now."

"I know baby, I want to be there too. And I want to kiss you; and bite you and beg you till you let me fuck you."

His voice is smooth and silky, like freshly tempered dark chocolate. His neediness for you is embellished all over his face.

Did he just call you baby instead of noona?

You move to sit up. Your room is dark, with the only source of light emanating from your night light and your screen. His eyes follow you carefully as you take off your tshirt to reveal a plain black bra.

"Did you somehow get sexier while I've been gone, noona." His impatience gets the best of him.

"Hmm maybe," you play along, slouching your back onto your bed post. He smacks his lips thirstily at your heaving cleavage.

You're contemplating on whether or not to....torture him.

"I'd have taken off your boxers if I was there, by now."

"I was never wearing any."

"Then what are you waiting for?"

His eyes widen, not in surprise but out of shyness.

"Noona.... do you want me to....." he trails off. "Are you already?"

You let out a soft mewl, answering him without actually having to. A gasp escapes as you let your fingers dance around your neck.

He watches your eyes close and your neck tense up, hypnotised.

His boner makes him squirm in discomfort.

"It's okay baby, do it for me" you say, grinding your hips into your bed.

You hold your phone at eye level, hovering it over you. He can see your hand across your torso, vanishing inside your pajamas. He can see your waist and wrist move in a concentric rhythmic pattern. He can see the lust in your eyes. It's enough to stimulate him senseless.

"I want you between my legs, Yugyeom, right now."

"Fuck," he curses, and rolls flat on his back, reaching to relieve the pressure building up so fast inside him.

His phone is a little away, so you can almost see his hand firmly wrapped around his thickness, sliding up and down. He starts out in a slow, steady motion, moving his sinful hips, thrusting them upwards.

He whimpers in a gravelly, low octave.

He's so fucking hot.

There is an overwhelming amount of tension at the pit of your stomach. You concentrate on him like a lioness stalking her prey. If he was anywhere near you, you would have devoured him whole.

"Faster, baby." You demand, and he quickens his pace, groaning because of the friction that's being caused.

"You're making me so wet like this".

"Pl...ease noona, don't - I'm..... go....ing to come."

"I know, I wish I could blow you."

He manages to breathe out a string of profanities as you dirty talk him some more, to a blissful completion.

His body betrays him and gives in to his carnal pleasures. He spurts out erratically, still looking as graceful as a peacock dancing in the rain.

His hand stops moving and slips to his side. He breathes hard and fast and brings the phone closer to his face, eyeing you deviously.

"I'm going to lock you in with me for a week, for doing this." He's still breathless.

You bite your lip teasingly and nod, feeling your body tremble with his words.

"And I'm going to dig in so deep."

Your fingers move faster, thinking about him lodged inside you, tight around you walls, bruising your core recurrently. It's the sweetest feeling.

You play with yourself while he looks at you intently, never lowering his gaze. Your body peaks and the hurricane dies down. You're an insane mess of heavy groans and tangled words.

You finally pull your fingers out, letting the bodily fluids flow down your thighs.

Your needs feel.... satiated - at least for the moment.

It takes you both a few moments to clean up the aftermath.

"I'm going to have to shower again now." he whines, throwing tissues into the trash can.

"Yeah? Think about me then too," you wink, laughing immediately at the face he makes.

"You're wild, noona."

"This was barely wild, Kyum. Come back and I'll tell you what wild is."

"Aaah don't tease me like this. I can't always have this in my head for a month."

"Just thirty days, love."

"But, I want to take a flight back to you now."

"As much as I want you to do that, for now just think about all the things I will do to you when you get free time, okay?"

Your correspondence is abruptly interrupted by a knock on his door and some really loud pterodactyl sounds.

"I think they're all back.... and possibly very drunk." He checks the time "We've been talking for three hours?"

"Oh my god, really?"

It barely had felt like 30 minutes. Reality gradually begins to separate you from your happy bubble.

"Yeah, I can hear them. They're going to get thrown out of the hotel."

"Good, let them. Then I can talk to you all night without worrying."

"Kyum!"

"Ugh" he pouts, very evidently not wanting to say bye. "I'll call you whenever I get time tomorrow. Bye noona, love you."

"I love you too" you tell him, as his lips fully cover your screen with a kiss.

Idiot.

You were in love with a cute, fluffy idiot.

A year ago had someone told you, you'd fall in love again - you'd have laughed in their face.

Yet, you just told the boy you had coincidentally met at a house party you weren't even supposed to go to, that you loved him.

You chuckle - because you'd have never expected your life to turn out this way.

But, that's what it is, isn't it?

That's what life is.

[angeltriestoblog]

I watched a couple of movies! (April roundup)

I’m glad to announce that I finally found a way to rave about the movies I’ve watched without boring you all to death, driving myself to the brink of insanity, and damaging my eyesight even more. Instead of giving a comprehensive review on each one, I decided to give you my top picks for every month in an attempt to convince you to watch these life-changing pieces of cinema! Maybe someday I could include some of the worst I’ve seen as well because it's easier (and more fun) to point out the flaws I spot.

So without further ado, here are the creme of the crop for the month of April!

Philadelphia (1993, dir. Jonathan Demme) ★★★★★

This superbly crafted film was one of the first in Hollywood to tackle the issue of HIV/AIDS—and with the right amount of sensitivity—during a time when discrimination against victims was at its most rampant. That fact alone makes it deserving of the praise, recognition, and accolades it has collected over the years. Add to that the remarkable performance of Tom Hanks as Andy Beckett, the lawyer fired from the prestigious firm he works for who enlists the help of Joe Miller (Denzel Washington) to take this matter to court. His dedication to the role is evident not only in his dramatic weight loss but the intensity of the emotions he brings to all of his scenes. Though I know a lot of audiences are concerned that the account is told mainly from Miller’s perspective, I found this aspect crucial to his growth as a character and the movie’s effectivity as a call to empathy and compassion.

Certified Copy (2010, dir. Abbas Kiarostami) ★★★★½

It's so difficult to review this without giving away what makes it different from anything that's ever been made, probably. But then again, even if I dive deep into the plot and provide my theories, I doubt it’ll make sense so I’ll say this. Certified Copy is a mind-bender of an arthouse film disguised as a love story of the Before Sunset variety. It’s a deceivingly linear tale of a French woman known only as “She” (Juliette Binoche) who goes to a book signing and offers to explore the city of Tuscany with the author (William Shimell). His work asserts that the reproduction of a certain thing possesses as much value as the original, so much so that it can even take its place. The extent to which this is true is shown in the many ways their relationship changes in the span of a single afternoon. It’s normal to be frustrated once you’ve finished it. I had a “What the hell?” moment myself and had to rewatch some parts a few more times. But once you realize that the plot is an artifice, like fiction and art itself, that’s when you come to terms with how real it actually is.  

The Farewell (2019, dir. Lulu Wang) ★★★★★

This is practically Wang's two-hour thesis on why grandmothers are the best people on the planet and we don’t deserve them. It's not like I needed an external source to prove it was true but I adored it anyway. This Oscar snub is “based on a true lie”: Nai Nai (Zhao Shuzhen), the matriarch of a Chinese clan, is diagnosed with cancer, and her loved ones go to extreme lengths to keep it a secret from her. I appreciated the accurate depiction of the mess that is the Asian extended family: immigrant parents, their first-generation kids, and the relatives they left behind at the homeland under one roof can only mean endless bickering and picking at old wounds. But in all seriousness, its grasp of human emotions—as seen in the brilliant acting performances and authentic dialogue—reels you in instantly and keeps you emotionally invested and painfully waiting for the heartbreaking (?) conclusion.

Interstellar (2014, dir. Christopher Nolan) ★★★★★

In what is arguably Nolan’s most complex and ambitious work yet, we find Cooper (Matthew McConaughey) in what appears to be a shadow of the Earth we live in right now. After a fateful turn of events, he is tapped by NASA to carry out a mission in search of a habitable world for the human population. Rarely do we see a creative project that aspires to be everything at once and succeeds with flying colors. Interstellar is that gem for me. It pushes the limits of our imagination and tests the very boundaries of science and space while serving as a reminder of what it means to be human. It may clock in at 167 minutes but I think that if the run time had been cut down, it would be impossible to do justice to this multi-faceted story. In fact, with the emotionally resonant performances by the cast as well as the phenomenal score (Hans Zimmer, you are a god) and cinematography, I am honestly willing to see another three hours of extra footage.

Mommy (2014, dir. Xavier Dolan) ★★★★½

This… was a lot. I remember watching this first thing in the morning a couple of weeks ago, and not being able to do anything of importance for the entire day since I was too busy wondering if I’ll ever be suitable for the lifelong commitment that is motherhood. This award-winning, affecting tale revolves around Die Despres (Anne Dorval), a struggling journalist and single mom to Steve (Antoine Olivier Pilon), her hyperactive, abusive son diagnosed with ADHD. Although a law had been passed in Canada which lets cash-strapped parents place their troubled kids in hospitals, she refuses to give him up and takes him under her wing: after all, they’re best at loving even when it’s hard. What unfolds after makes it hard to tell how the whole thing ends, but it’s a visually arresting and thought-provoking experience anyway. Dolan also possesses a strong command of the language of filmmakers: critics agree that its most notable aspect is the fact that it was shot in a 1:1 aspect ratio, which allowed me to assume the position of a next-door neighbor peering through their living room window.

Frances Ha (2012, dir. Noah Baumbach) ★★★★★

Before Greta Gerwig was the director extraordinaire we know her to be, she was Frances Halladay, an aspiring dancer who moves to New York City with her best friend and comes face to face with several, consecutive life crises. Her reality couldn’t be any further removed from mine (as a 19-year-old student on the complete opposite side of the world), but it remains highly relatable. At their core, her problems are rooted in a fear of loneliness and failure—just like the rest of us! Come to think of it, maybe that’s why it’s in black-and-white: to give the movie a sense of timelessness since it tackles themes and issues that remain universal and prevalent across generations. I loved Frances as a protagonist, though she far from perfect: she’s immature and petty and quite frankly, she had no clue what she was doing until the last 15 minutes—just like me! And yet she powered through in the end, which gives me hope that I’ll be able to do the same.

Fight Club (1999, dir. David Fincher) ★★★★½

Believe it or not, despite its straightforward title and predominantly male fanbase, I was completely taken aback when the unnamed narrator (Edward Norton) and Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) started beating each other up in the middle of a parking lot—the very event that led to the establishment of their underground fight club. What initially appears to be a man’s search for a way out of the boring humdrum of his everyday existence evolves into a structural analysis of consumer capitalism and critique of toxic masculinity. There’s a lot of gore and violence but I pulled through thanks to the stunning visuals, unpredictable plot, and Brad Pitt’s beautiful face. Although the twist towards the end wasn’t exactly revolutionary for me because it kind of resembled Primal Fear (1996), it was still a mind-blowing and fitting conclusion to this cult classic.

Pretty Woman (1990, dir. Garry Marshall) ★★★★★

This modern-day Cinderella story about a hooker who falls in love with a wealthy businessman has become problematic for my generation. There are a ton of essays on Letterboxd attempting to start discourse on its ethics, calling it out for its misogynistic undertones, and criticizing it for being unrealistic. I actually saw a review that said it indirectly promotes prostitution as a means to get ahead in life, which could wrongly influence teenage girls. (How stupid do you think we are?) At the end of the day, this is a romantic comedy—and an outstanding one, at that! This probably has the most equal distribution of swoon-worthy scenes and laugh-out-loud moments out of all the romcoms I’ve watched, and we have the lead actors’ insane chemistry and the consistently witty script to thank. Needless to say, Julia Roberts is an absolute delight as Vivian Ward and it’s only fitting that it was this particular role that catapulted her to superstardom. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna rewatch this then proceed to play It Must Have Been Love for another 70 times.

The Fundamentals of Caring (2016, dir. Rob Burnett) ★★★★★

I genuinely think that everything Paul Rudd touches turns to gold. Here, he plays Ben, caretaker to Trevor (Craig Roberts), a sarcastic teen suffering from Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. Together, they make a spur-of-the-moment decision to take a cross-country road trip to see several roadside attractions and of course, come to terms with their own issues. I admit that my love for this comes with the acute awareness that if I had found it on Netflix at a different time, I wouldn’t have appreciated it as much. It’s fairly predictable, it doesn’t strive towards anything complex or require much reflection on our part but it ties together neatly and satisfyingly in the end—truly a perfect comfort film! The equivalent of the warm, 10-second-long, oxytocin-inducing hug that we all need and can't have right now, given the state of our world!

Edit (05/09/20): I’m currently binge-watching Timothee Chalamet interviews and he just told Stephen Colbert that he had auditioned for this but wasn’t accepted for the job. Imagine him and Paul Rudd together... the visual power that duo would hold... I would miss the point of the movie entirely.

So, that’s it for this month! I’ve actually been spending more time writing lately but I hope I can continue to squeeze in something to watch into my schedule so I can actually be consistent with this series. Till next time! Exciting things up ahead! Wishing you love and light always, and don’t forget to wash your hands, check your privilege and pray for our frontliners!

[initiare]

@lightquivered

Even though you know that this theme of yours for Alec is all done and finished (as you've been working on it with me consistently for the last week or two), I wanted to share the code with you here— because, well, it’d give me an excuse to do something else that I’ve been meaning to do as well. Here’s the thing, one of my first posts on Jace can’t possibly be anything other than one that revolves around you and my eternal gratitude towards you. Because I mean, this blog wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.

A month or two ago, I knew absolutely nothing about the Mortal Instruments. I mean, I’d seen material of it through your blog for Alec, and then you’d start talking about him in calls to me more frequently, mentioning other characters alongside him, and I really didn't expect it all to impact me— but it did, it had a massive impact: because one morning I woke up with this deep-rooted motivation to want to make Jace. How is it even possible to want to write a character that one doesn't even know? Especially me, who’s so incredibly picky about what characters I like, let alone muses I make? —Wholly unprecedented is what it was, but I very gladly blame your total and all-encompassing love for the world that Cassandra Clare has beautifull created and written for us.

I got swept up in your devotion and adoration for not only Alec Lightwood and Magnus Bane and every other character you've ever mentioned to me, but everything about that world. And I wanted to get to know it because of that, I wanted to see what was so bloody special. I dove into the books and I've not looked back a single time since. You've introduced me to a world that I've come to adore and I’m not even sure if you understand the extent of my already ludicrous love for these books, for these characters. My mind feels at home when I read them, I’m mentally and emotionally challenged as I go through each of these chapters and I can’t put anything down once I start, because I’m so intrigued; I’m presented with complexities that thrill me beyond belief and you know how rare it is for me to love things this much. But more importantly though, I meet characters that’re so whole, so in-depth that they make an already immersive world even better than I thought possible. The truth is, I wouldn't have gotten into this franchise if it hadn't been for you, if it hadn't been for your deep-rooted respect and passion for the character of Alec Lightwood, if it hadn't been for your declarations of how these novels have so positively affected and benefited you and your life. And I can’t thank you enough for having shared that, because I’m now experiencing it as well and it’s such a beautiful thing to go through.

Geez, I've already written you a novel. Remember how I joke about what traits or qualities Jace and I share? Lengthy speeches and declarations— definitely something he and I have in common. How do I feel about this? I don’t know, but I know that I suddenly feel like doing the ice bucket challenge. Moving on!

See, we’re always told to not have favorites. Well, you know, then people can label me a proud rebel because I absolutely do and I’ll never apologize for it even once. You’re one of my bone fide favorites, Paige, you always have been and you've always known this (at least, hopefully you do, because otherwise I've failed miserably in my duties as a friend). Truthfully, five and half years ago, I didn't know you’d grow to be one of my very closest friends at present. Heck, you’re my long-distance roommate at this point; there’s not much about my life that you don’t know and I’m perfectly comfortable with that reality, which says a lot to anyone who knows me. You’re a confidante, a close friend, a kindred spirit on many things, and I’d severely miss having you around to badger, troll, joke with and confide in (and shh, but I’d miss worshipping the ground your talented self walks on as well). 

My adoration for you goes beyond how beautiful of a human being I think and know that you are though, it’s also in my endless admiration and respect for you as a fellow writer and artist. I was a baby in the world of writing and everything when I first met you in a totally different fandom. And I've grown, at least I like to think that I have, but it’s because of having known and watched people like you, people that I look up to and admire. I've grown in my skills, in my ways of thinking and in my understanding and it’s because people like you are as inspirational as you are. You have such a knack for this, you know, for all of this— which is also why I’m so glad that you’re doing what you’re doing in life outside of Tumblr. Your influence is larger than life, Paige, and the fact that others get to see it as well, that warms my heart. You’re doing what you’re born to do, here and in that wacky world outside of Tumblr— and I’m just eternally grateful that you let me be a part of it through our friendship. I value it immensely and I make you a promise that, if you’re still willing, me and my insanity will still be bugging you in ten and twenty and however many years from now. Are you ready for it? Because I am.

Thank you, my dear, thank you.

[mythomagically-delicious]

Siren Song

So on June 17th I realized I forgot to celebrate Stanley and Stanford’s birthday (June 15th) and that I would miss celebrating my first June 18th (Alex Hirsch’s birthday) as a fan of Gravity Falls in America. So I wrote out something in honor of the two days. 

Siren Song

Stan has never told Ford what he hears when they’ve heard the siren’s call. (They’ve both heard it. Ford set the course on autopilot with an unchangeable time lock, then time lock bonded himself and Stan to the rails of the ship, where they could not escape to be dashed against the rocks and eaten, but still hear the call. Ford thought it important they both experience the call together, and Stan has a hard time saying no to as tame a scheme as that from his brother).

Ford was gushing about his visions as soon as they were released from the spell and in safer waters. He went on and on about how they showed you truth about yourself even you may not realize. He talked about how they peer into passerby’s souls and lures them to their sands to die by singing what they long for most to come true. Sometimes (according to myths) by showing you alternate paths your life could have taken. Or sometimes just showing more and better than what a sailor already has. If you examine it you can discover your weaknesses post spell-state, and understand fundamentally who you are, what you’re made of. (As well as get to steady the siren in-depth!)

Ford talked for three hours about all this and more before he finally asked Stan what the sirens sang to him.

Stan looked at Ford for a moment (a hard, searching look that was gone so quick, Ford thought he’d imagined it) and answered, “Nothing much.”

Ford was dumbfounded momentarily, but he regained his voice quickly. “What?! Stanley, come on, tell me what they said! This is an amazing opportunity to study how they’re able to tailor their songs to multiple individuals, even ones similar as us. I’m surprised they didn’t confuse our frequencies, actually, for…” and Ford got sidetracked on the theoretical likelihood of only half of a set of twins surviving a siren attack because of the way their bewitching works. Stan ignored almost all of it and started mending some nets on board. He was great with knots.

When Ford finally circled the conversation back to Stanley, Stan was prepared to resist nonchalantly.

“Come on, Stanley, talk about it.”

“What, am I not allowed at least four secrets left, Ford? Besides, who has time to figure themselves out fully? I’m good just skating by the next few years already knowing just enough to be alright. It’s worked so far.”

Ford brought up several counterpoints that Stan shot down, sometimes with words, usually with grunts, shrugs, and pointed looks. Finally Ford got fed up with his lack of cooperation and stalked off to make is own notes and observations about the experience. [and scientific-related queries]

Stan took to the deck to start plotting their next course. He tried not to think about all he’d seen and heard from the sirens, but it was no use. The song stuck to him. Their words had changed and rippled and layered over each other until all he could make out were key phrases that were sung together.

The less he tried to think about it, the stronger the memories became until they overwhelmed him again, and his mind was cast back to the whole affair.

You have much to regret You would rather forget Your brother loves you not He left your bones to rot

The pain is all too much Your pain is all too much Your fire dies and ashes rise Your true form comes forth

Rise and see Rise and see A world where you and he were separate, and happy

And visions came of Stan having a better life where Ford wasn’t in it, from childhood through to high school. Never being bullied, never being second best. Always well-liked, a natural athlete, top boxer, good enough grades to go to college. Getting married, having kids, having grandkids. Having a huge family that loves Stanley—not being forgotten, hurt, abandoned and crushed by the world the way he was.

Stan had shook his head, tears falling at this vision, shouting, “No, no, I want my brother too!”

And the sirens heard and changed their tune…

Rise and see Rise and see A world where everything was as it should be…?

A new vision had swept over Stan and he was relieved to see Stanford there. It was the night before Stan got thrown out, Stan and Ford on the swing sets, talking and laughing. Ford making plans to go adventuring with Stan, not even mentioning the stupid school.

The brothers take on life together—Ford does go, but Stan goes with him. Eventually Ford gets famous for his tech and inventions. Stan is with him every step of the way. They adventure around the globe on a grant Ford had from the school. Eventually they settle back in California as a home base. Stan gets married, has kids. Ford is a good uncle, they tease his kids together. He has grandkids, and again as the brothers grow older they tease and confuse their family. Stan has everything.

But still he is shaking and raging against his bonds on the boat, crying “No, no, I don’t deserve it. That didn’t happen—Stan Pines is DEAD!” and again their song shifted…

Rise and see Rise and see Say goodbye to painful memories

Stan, soon after pushing Ford into the portal, branded and distraught, runs into town, starving and half mad. He runs into a man with a strange red cloak who promises he can help. Stan follows the voice blindly, ignoring all the warning signs he’d learned on the streets.

He is hit by the memory gun. He forgets everything.

Everything about “Stanford Pines”

(for how could what was left of Fiddleford’s mind differentiate between Stanley and Stanford?)

His wound is taken care of and they feed him, give him some money, and leave him in the shack. When Stanley wakes up, all he has are disappointing memories of a (friendless) terrible life, and schemes for making money boiling in his brain. He checks out his surroundings and decides to use the most of this opportunity by setting up a tourist trap with all the weird stuff in the abandoned house.

It makes big money, for years and years. Eventually his father tells him he was wrong to kick him out. (That was a GOOD DAY for Stan. Vindicating. He sent Filbrick packing). Stan didn’t work thirty years day and night to save Ford. He enjoyed his financial success. He made other goals. Got back in touch with Shermie, and got to be part of his nephew’s life—and later his great niece and nephews lives too.

It was everything Stan wanted—family, success, happiness. No guilt, no shame, nothing hanging over his name.

(And Ford died defeating Bill in the Nightmare Realm, torn to pieces as it collapsed at Bill’s death. Dimension 47’\ never even knew).

Stan still cried and struggled against his bonds, the song, their visions. So the sirens changed their tune one final time…

Rise and see Rise and see The world grows dim It’s you or him

Stan is sitting in his car. He’s 23. Crying silently, staring at two objects in his lap. One, the picture of him and Ford on the Stan O War. The other, a six-shooter he picked up at a local pawn shop using the ten finger discount.

He’s at one of the lowest moments of his life. He flips the picture over and writes down a couple short sentences on the back of the picture. Then he picks up the revolver, loads a single bullet, cocks the hammer, and—

ends it all.

Blood splatters the inside of the car, and all over the picture he kept. Written in mess script has this message: “I’m sorry brother. You’ll be better off in a world I’m not in. Sorry I couldn’t do this for you sooner. –Stanley Pines”

Ford gets the news and cries for two weeks straight. Stan watches as his family all reacts in different ways. Pa dies a few months later, and no one can prove it as related, but the guilt ate him away until he was nothing but bones. Ma raged and sobbed. She lived to see her great grandchildren born, though, and all the way to fifteen. Shermie punched a wall, said he should’ve found him and helped, the consequences be damned! Reb cried and Sam wasn’t old enough to know why.

Ford never got over it.

But he also never fell into Bill’s trap. He became a world-renowned scientist, along with Fiddleford McGucket, for their ground breaking work in anomalies. He grew closer with Shermie and involved in his brother’s kid’s life. When Mabel and Mason were born, he was there, and he cried. Gave them advice. Watched them for a couple of summers.

Ford did well for himself, lived to the old age of 94, and died of natural causes. But he never forgave himself for Stan’s death. He kept the bloody picture that was the last thing Stan had seen before he died.

Stan sobbed. But he stopped fighting the visions and songs. As they were about to pass outside of the siren’s reach, they called to Stan one last time…

Rise and see Rise and see Like a puppet with no strings Come and spend forever with me

And blue fire filled his vision as an insane laughter filled his mind. The siren’s song clashed over the laughter, repeating REGRET…FORGET…PAIN…FIRE…BROTHER…DIES…

RISE AND SEE RISE AND SEE

As the laughter got louder and Stan’s vision overwhelmed with blue fire, the sound of a gunshot going off over and over again—

everything was cut off.

All the normal sounds of the sea returned. Birds calling, ocean rocking the boat, slapping against the sides. Stan opened his eyes and stared at the deck beneath him. He was still tied to the railing. He saw the ship steer them out of the fog and on towards the nearest port.

Stan was exhausted. The emotional upheaval was enough to kill a guy. He looked over to Ford to make sure he was alright. His brother was grinning from ear to ear, ecstatic, eyes closed. Stan had sighed and let himself rest until the time locks opened and he could forget the ordeal with the sirens ever happened.

Except Ford wouldn’t stop pestering him. He’d approach it different ways, but Stan knew every trick in the book. He knew when he was being pumped for information.

Over time Ford gave up and moved on to other projects. Stan was relieved. He didn’t think he could live with how close he came to that fourth vision…and how much better things would’ve been for everyone…

Stan shoved the thought from his mind and resolved to throw wax in his ears and punch a siren first chance he got.

[weekendwarriorblog]

WHAT TO WATCH THIS WEEKEND September 13, 2019  - ONE CUT OF THE DEAD, FREAKS, HUSTLERS, THE GOLDFINCH and more

We’re well into September, and the Toronto Film Festival is slowly grinding to a halt as I continue to sulk for missing so many movies that I won’t be able to see until November or December. At least I’ll be at the New York Film Festival this month, and there’s a little bit of overlap there.

Besides the wide releases, there’s some really good limited releases this week, but I want to focus specifically on three movies that played at the What the Fest?! in New York City back in March:

The first of them is the Japanese zombie horror-comedy ONE CUT OF THE DEAD from director Shin'ichirô Ueda, which Shudder is releasing and streaming after it played a number of festivals including last year’s Fantastic Fest. What can I say about this really innovative film? I guess I can tell you that it’s about a zombie attack on the crew of a zombie movie, but that wouldn’t be the whole story. Honestly, it’s best to go in not knowing too much about it, other than it’s not your typical zombie movie. The complex intricacies of what Ueda does with his cast makes this one of my favorite recent zombie-related movies since the similarly great Korean film, Train to Busan. One Cut of the Dead will be released in New York (at the IFC Center) and in L.A. on Friday but then it will get special one-night screenings next Tuesday (Sept 17) in other citiesbefore premiering on the Shudder streaming channel sometime down the road. And if you’ve been wondering why everyone who sees this movie keeps yelling “Pom!,” well you’ll just have to see the movie for yourself.

Another great movie from “What The Fest!?” is Zach Lipovsky and Adam Stein’s FREAKS (Well Go USA), which will open a little wider than some of the other limited releases this weekend. It stars relative newcomer Lexy Kolker as Chloe, a young girl living in a world where those with powers are considered “freaks,” shunned and captured for experiments. Her father (Emile Hirsch) has been keeping her in hiding, but as Chloe gets older, she has questions about her mother, and also, there’s that weird ice cream man (Bruce Dern) who seems to know about her. Freaksis really a fantastic film from these filmmakers, Lipovsky having directed Leprechaun: Originsa few years back. I was truly impressed with Kolker’s performance opposite much more experienced actors, and Lipovsky/Stein find a way to build up the story to a satisfying climax.

I’ll have an interview with the directors over at The Beat later this week, as well.

I also want to call attention to DEPRAVED  (IFC Midnight), the new film from director Larry Fessenden, which is his take on the Frankenstein mythos with David Call playing Henry, an army medic who decides to build a human being called Adam (played by Alex Breux), but finds his invention hard to control as Adam remembers his past. Another “What the Fest?” vet (actually, this year’s opening night film), Depraved also stars Joshua Leonard, Chloë Levine and Ana Kayne, and it’s so nice to have Larry back making movies. You can read more with Larry in my interview over at The Beat.

And then of course, there are this week’s wide releases, STXfilms’ HUSTLERS and Warner Bros’ THE GOLDFINCH, which I’m hoping I get to see one or both by the time this posts. If so, I’ll have review of both of these movies below. (Note: I did get to them, and they’re both interesting movies in that neither of them was anything like I expected.)

I’m really curious about HUSTLERS (STXFilms), because it’s the third film from director Lorene Scafaria, whose previous films, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World and The Meddler, I quite enjoyed, mainly because they featured actresses I like. I can take or leave Jennifer Lopez, but I genuinely love Constance Wu, and I really want to see what she can do in a more dramatic role. And then, of course, there’s the premise of New York strippers scamming a bunch of sleezy rich men out of their money, which is based on a New York Magazine article. That’s just one of those great pitches that makes me think many will be interested in checking it out this weekend, and it might do better than expected.

Mini-Review: I honestly think Hustlers is going to be an interesting litmus test for whether people who usually frown or turn their noses at the very real adult entertainment business that permeates big cities and small towns alike will be able to look past the setting to appreciate it for the skillful crime-drama that it is.

The film begins in 2007 with Constance Wu’s Dorothy on her first day at a big New York City strip club where she has to deal with slimy Wall Street types and equally sleazy bosses who take a big chunk of her earnings. Things change when she meets Jennifer Lopez’s Ramona, the absolute queen of the strip club scene, which you can tell as you first watch her performing. Ramona knows the ropes and takes a liking to “Destiny” (Dorothy’s stripper name) enough to befriend her and give her some tips.

After a bit  more shenanigans explaining how things work in stripping, the story then cuts forward years later after Dorothy has had a child and is a single mother needing money. She returns to the club but business isn’t as good after 2008 as the Wall Street jerks aren’t as anxious to throw their money around. When Ramona reenters her life, the two of them come up with a scheme to drug their marks and then empty out their credit cards of money. It’s going well, and they’re getting away with it to the point where they need to expand.

Although Scafaria uses a fairly standard format to tell this story in the screenplay – basically having Constance Wu telling Julia Styles’ reporter the story as it plays out -- it’s the way she allows the story to unfold which allows the film to improve as it goes along. Sure, it’s a little predictable where and how things are going to go wrong, but the movie still works on quite a few levels beginning with the performances by Wu and J-Lo that a lot of people will be talking about later. When we first see Lopez dancing, she looks absolutely amazing, and it must be incredibly empowering for a former dancer now 50 years old to be able to get on stage with barely any clothes on and strut her stuff.

A lot of why the movie doesn’t come across as sleazy as it might otherwise (such as in the hands of a male director) is the way that Scafaria focuses so much on the friendship between Ramona and Dorothy and what happens as things start breaking down between them, especially when Dorothy starts growing a conscience. The rest of the mostly-female cast is great, although most of the men in the movie are depicted as such slimy and disgusting pigs, it’s hard to feel sorry for them either.

Hustlers is the type of movie that we wouldn’t blink if Scorsese or even producer Adam McKay had directed, but the fact that Scafaria can transition so smoothly from her light comedies to something so well-constructed is part of why the movie is so impressive.

I’m not sure if women who see this movie will rush out to take stripping classes in order to fuel their sense of empowerment, but Hustlers is a genuinely enjoyable film that tells a fascinating story and Scafaria should get full credit for making another movie this good.

Rating: 8/10

I don’t know nearly as much about THE GOLDFINCH (Warner Bros.) except that it’s based on a best-selling Pulitzer price-winning book by author Donna Tartt, and it has an insane cast that includes Ansel Elgort, Nicole Kidman and Jeffrey Wright. I know that reviews out of TIFF were not good, and I’m not sure it will find an audience even with the popularity of the book.

Mini-Review: I haven’t read The Goldfinch, and actually, I’m kind of glad I didn’t read it before seeing this John Crowley-directed movie, because it might have taken away from one of the main reasons I enjoyed it.

The basic premise is simple but the overall story and movie that tells the story is quite complex, maybe needlessly so, but if I didn’t know this movie was based on a beloved book, I could totally have guessed that was the case since so much of what happens in the movie is more literary than cinematic… though not necessarily in a bad way.

The story revolves around Theo Decker, played as a youngster by Oakes Fegley and about ten years older by Ansel Elgort. We meet Theo shortly after his mother was killed in an explosion at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, after which he’s turned over to the wealthy Barbour family, his friend Andy’s mother overjoyed to bring Theo into their family of five. Just when things are going well, Theo’s real father (Luke Wilson) shows up and drags the boy back to his home in a desolate area outside Vegas with his white trash girlfriend (played by an unrecognizable Sarah Paulson). There, Theo makes a new friend in Boris (Finn Wolfhard), and the two of them get into trouble, smoking cigarettes, drinking and doing drugs. And then stuff happens.  

If you haven’t read the book, I’m not going to do a play-by-play on the plot, because SO MUCH happens in this movie, and that’s part of why it’s enjoyable because it’s such rich and dense storytelling ably pulled together by Brooklyn director John Crowley.

One of the things I will mention is the movie’s title “The Goldfinch” which is a priceless work of art that Theo takes from the Met after the explosion, and he holds onto it for years, for reasons we won’t learn until much later. Another piece of the puzzle is Jeffrey Wright’s Hobie, who restores antiques into convincing fakes. There’s also Pippa (Ashleigh Cummings), the granddaughter of Hobie’s business partner who also died in the explosion.

There is a way that these people connect together, and a reason why almost all of them have an important place in Theo’s journey, but there is absolutely nothing predictable about how many of these pieces will come together. To say that The Goldfinch is full of unexpected surprises would be an understatement.

I generally liked Oakes Fegley better as Theo than Ansel Elgort, but Finn Wolfhard quickly steals the movie as Theo’s eccentric friend, who returns later in the guises of Aneurin Barnard. Both pairs of actors make their portions of the film particularly interesting. In fact, I thought that Nicole Kidman probably brought the least to her role as Theo’s adoptive mother.

Filmed by Oscar-winning cinematographer Roger Deakins, the movie looks absolutely gorgeous, leaving little question why he is considered the master. Every actor and location looks amazing, and there’s a lot of variety in environments in which the story takes place. On top of that, the choices in music really helped me to enjoy this movie, even if it’s the choice of New Order to introduce Finn Wolfhard’s Boris, all dressed in black, to the rest of the score by Trevor Gureckis that helps bolster the film’s more dramatic moments.

Yes, the movie does feel long at times and maybe a little slow, but it’s also quite captivating because you never know where things are going, and everything is so unpredictable. You have to give props to screenwriter Peter Straughn for tackling such difficult material in such a fluid way. (I will mention that there’s at least one aspect of the film’s big plot twist that is almost impossible to believe, but I won’t ruin it.)

In my opinion, all of these seeming tangents that take Theo on this wild journey does pay-off with an ending that got me quite teary-eyed. Sure, it’s long at 2.5 hours but Theo’s story is a complicated one to tell, and it all adds up and pays off eventually.

Rating: 7/10

Amazon Studios has been advertising that Paul Downs Collaizo’s BRITTANY RUNS A MARATHON nationwide this Friday but that could mean anywhere between 500 and 1500 theaters or more. I hope it’s somewhere in the middle, as I’d like to see it make a play into the top 10 like The Peanut Butter Falcon did last weekend. It’s a terrific film and Jillian Bell is quite wonderful in it, oh, and if you haven’t read my interview with her, you can find that over at Next Best Picture. It’s a fun interview and a fun movie, so I hope people make an effort to check it out.

LIMITED RELEASES

One of the more interesting releases of the weekend is the Colombian film MONOS (Neon /Participant Media) from director Alejandro Landes that centers on a pack of wild gun-toting teenagers living on a mountaintop in the South American jungles where they run sort of wild but also are well-trained as a fighting unit. They actually have taken a hostage, a doctor played by Julianne Nicholson, who is just great in this role, continuing to show off how she’s one of the most underrated actresses working today. There’s definitely a “Lord of the Flies” feel to Landes’ film which has been submitted by Colombia as its Oscar submission for the newly-labelled “Best International Film Festival,” and I wouldn’t be surprised if it finds enough fans to get into the short-list, at least. Not sure about the nomination as this is already a tough year with high-profile submissions like the new Almodovar and Bong Joon-ho’s Parasite. Still, I think this will find its share of fans, and I can recommend it for its artistry more than as something you must rush out to see.

GKIDS’s latest animated release is ANOTHER DAY OF LIFE, based on the book by journalist Ricardo Kapuscinski that looks at the outbreak of civil war in Angola after being freed of its independence from Portugal in 1975. The autobiographical film follows  Kapuściński’s search for the rebel leader Farrusco through wartorn Angola, so this is very much an animated documentary similar to Waltz with Bashir. It will open in New York at the IFC Center and in L.A. at the Laemmle Glendale this Friday.

And then there’s Michael Tyburski’s THE SOUND OF SILENCE (IFC Films), which stars Peter Sarsgaard, an actor I generally like, as a “house tuner.” Basically, he goes into people’s apartments and find out what notes or tones are causing them anxiety or preventing them from sleeping. One of his clients is a woman, played by Rashida Jones, and they sort of have a thing going, but Sarsgaard’s character is so strange and the movie is so slow, I didn’t really get more than an hour into this before I gave up.  This was based on a short film called “Palimpsest,” and while “The Sound of Silence” is a much better title, this is a concept that probably works best as a short, since as a feature, it’s boring as fuck.

Another Friday the 13thhorror release is Scott Becks and Bryan Woods’ HAUNT (Momentum Pictures), which follows a group of friends who go into an “extreme haunted house” on Halloween in a night that turns deadly. Unlike the movies mentioned above, I feel that this really should have been held until next month, because it’s just going to get lost in the shuffle of all of the releases this weekend.

Since this column doesn’t post until Wednesday, I should probably mention that Rob Zombie’s new movie 3 from Hell will get a three-day wide release on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday in about 500 theaters, each day offering another bonus. It’s a direct sequel to The Hell’s Rejects, a movie I actively hated, and this one is more of the same, so I can’t recommend it at all. I hated this movie, and it’s use of violence for entertainment. UGH. 

Let’s get to a few documentaries, a few of which I’ve seen...

Opening at the IFC Center is Michelle Esrick’s Cracked Up, a movie about “Saturday Night Live” vet Darrell Hammond and the history of childhood trauma he kept locked up for 40 years. I missed this at Doc-NYC last year but both Hammond and Esrick will be at the IFC Center Friday evening to answer questions.

Irene Taylor Brodsky’s Moonlight Sonata: Deafness in Three Movements (Abramorama) opens at New York’s Landmark 57 Friday and in L.A. at the Lammle Royal on Friday, Sept 20, and it’s an interesting film for the director of Beware the Slenderman, an excellent doc from a few years back. It looks at three people dealing with deafness, a young boy, an aging grandfather and no less than Ludwig van Beethoven, their stories weaved together to explore what it means to be deaf.

I had mixed feelings on Liam Gallagher: As It Was (Screen Media), which will be in theaters this Friday, available via Digital Download Sept. 17 and on VOD platforms Oct. 8.  I saw and liked the Oasis doc Oasis: Supersonic a few years back, but Gavin Fitzgerald and Charlie Lightening’s doc focuses on the former Oasis frontman and his fall from grace after his very public feud with his brother Noel Gallagher put the spotlight on a singer who I personally feel is an egotistical prat… and he goes about proving that in every scene of this movie. The movie covers how the break-up of Oasis led to Liam immediately starting Beady Eye, which proved to be a failure before he decides to go solo. Maybe it isn’t a coincidence that this is being released a week before Gallagher’s new solo album “Why Me? Why Not.”

After playing last year’s Fantastic Fest and the recent Fantasia and BAMCInemaFest, Aaron Schimberg’s Chained for Life will be released at the IFC Center on Weds and at the Landmark Nuart in Los Angeles on Friday. The movie stars Jess Weixler as movie star Mabel, who has been slumming it in art-horror film being shot in a hospital opposite Rosenthal (Adam Pearson), a gentle young man with a severe facial deformity, as their relationship grows.

Elise Duran’s high-concept rom-com Can You Keep a Secret? (Vertical) is based on Sophie Kinsella’s novel and it stars the super-cute Alexandra Daddario as a New York woman who is having troubles in life and when turbulence hits her plane, she confesses all her secrets to her neighbor, who turns out to be the company’s CEO.

Next up is a bunch of odds and ends including some VOD specials. Opening in New York and L.A. is Larry Clarke’s comedy 3 Days with Dad (Unified Pictures), starring Tom Arnold who returns home to deal with his dying father. There’s also the Bollywood courtroom drama Section 375 (Reliance Entertainment), directed by Ajay Bahl.  Jim Gaffigan’s second movie of the year, American Dreamer (Saban/Lionsgate), co-written and directed by Derrick Borte (The Joneses), has him playing a ride-share driver who kidnaps the child of a drugdealer. It opens at New York’s Cinema Village Friday and in L.A. and VOD next Friday. There’s also Garrett Batty’s Out of Liberty (Purdie Distribution), and I’m not even sure what to say about Seth Prices’ Redistribution, opening at the Metrograph, except that it’s a “reflexive work on art and interpretation.” Make of that what you will…. Or just check out the weird trailer.

LOCAL FESTIVALS

On Thursday begins the Tribeca TV Festival, which will showcase some of the newest and most anticipated television shows of the fall season including ABC’s Bless This Messwith Lake Bell, Dax Shepard and Pam Grier in attendance; the Apple+ series Dickinson, starring Hailee Steinfeld and Jane Krakowski; the CBS series Evil; and much more. Click on the link above to see what’s going to be screening, but it’s a pretty impressive line-up if you’re an avid TV watcher.

REPERTORY

METROGRAPH (NYC):

The Welcome To Metrograph: Redux series continues this weekend with Andrei Tarkovsky’s Andrei Rublev (1966) and Fellini’s Amarcord (1973), while Late Nites at Metrograph  will screen Buñuel’s Belle du Jour (1967) and Playtime: Family Matinees  will screen Charlie Chaplin’s 1931 film City Lights.

ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE BROOKLYN (NYC)

Monday night is Franc Roddam’s 1979 film Quadrophenia, based on The Who’s concept album, while this week’s “Tuesday Terror” is Dario Argento’s 1975 film Deep Red, which ironically, Italian rockers Goblin will be in town playing the score for LIVE at the PlayStation Theater on Friday in case you miss it at the Alamo. (Although tickets are obviously much more expensive for the concert.) Next week’s “Weird Wednesday” is the Rutger Hauer movie Split Secondfrom 1992.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

Thursday will be a 40thAnniversary screening of Breaking Away with some of the cast in person, while Friday is a hockey double feature of Slap Shot  (1977) and Sudden Death  (1995). Saturday is a 70mm screening of Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master, while Sunday is a double feature of The Godfather  (1972) and The Godfather Part II  (1974). Also Sunday, the George Lucas Family Foundation sponsors a screening of the 1919 silent film The Son-of-a-Gun (in 8mm!!!)with musical accompaniment, as well as some of Gilbert Anderson’s other shorts from the time.

AERO  (LA):

Wednesday’s Greg Proops Film Club will screen Fritz Lang’s Ministry of Fear (1944) in 35mm, while Thursday begins a series of “Anime Double Features” of Ninja Scroll (1993) with Vampire Hunter D (1985). Friday is a Satoshi Kon anime double feature of Millennium Actress  (2001) and Perfect Blue  (1997). Saturday’s Anime double feature isRedline  (2009)and Ghost in the Shell (1995), while Sunday is a Studio Ghibli double feature of Grave of the Fireflies (1988) and Only Yesterday  (1991).  Tuesday’s “Heptember Matinee” is a new 4k restoration of Katherine Hepburn’s Holiday from 1938.

BAM CINEMATEK (NYC):

BAM begins an awesome appropriate series called “Purpose and Passion: The Cinema of John Singleton,” showing a lot  (if not all) of the late filmmaker’s work, including Boyz in the Hood, Poetic Justice, Higher Learningand even more recent movies like Four Brothers, Abductionand his 2000 Shaft, starring Samuel L. Jackson. This week’s “Beyond the Canon” offering on Saturday is a double feature of Valie Export’sInvisible Adversariesfrom 1977 and Invasion of the Body Snatchersfrom 1978. It’s also showing Craig Brewer’s Hustle and Flow, starring Terrence Howard, which Singleton produced.

FILM AT LINCOLN CENTER (NYC):

On Thursday, Film at Lincoln Center begins a short series called “Two Free Women: Lily Tomlin & Jane Wagner” which should be fairly self-explanatory, focusing the spotlight on the actor/comedian and her life partner, which will include a conversation with the two women on Saturday evening. The series will open with John Bailey’s The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe (1991) on Thursday night with a QnA  with the two women. The rest of the series includes All of Me (1984), 9 to 5 (1980), Big Business (1988), Nashville (1975), the recent Grandma  (2015) and many more films, including Nick Broomfield’s doc Lily Tomlin.

IFC CENTER (NYC)

Weekend Classics: Staff Picks Summer 2019 is Sean R’s pick Labyrinth (1986) while Waverly Midnights: Staff Picks Summer 2019 is the GREATEST STAFF PICK OF ALL TIME… Alex Cox’s 1984 classic Rep Man, picked by Jeff!  Late Night Favorites: Summer 2019 is a 35mm print of Scorsese’s Mean Streets. (As far as I can tell, the 4k restoration of David Lynch’s Blue Velvet is ending on Thursday.)

FILM FORUM (NYC):

This weekend’s “Film Forum Jr.” is three Laurel and Hardy shorts and on Monday is a screening of Preston Sturges’ 1941 film The Lady Eve, starring Barbara Stanwyk, with a QnA and signing with Sturges’ son Tom. Joseph Losey’s Mr. Klein will continue running through Thursday, Sept. 19.

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

Not really repertory but MOMI is playing the director’s cut of Ari Aster’s Midsommar this weekend as well as Makoto Shinkai’s amazing 2017 film Your Name, the latter on Saturday and Sunday at noon.

ROXY CINEMA (NYC)

On Weds., Thursday and Sunday, the Roxy is showing a 35mm print of David Byrne’s True Stories from 1986, which seems to have found new life over 30 years since its debut.

LANDMARK THEATRES NUART  (LA):

This week’s midnight movie on Friday isJohn Cameron Mitchell’s Hedwig and the Angry Inch from 2000!

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

Sorry, Quentin, but as long as you use your excellent rep theater just to show Once Upon a Time … in Hollywood, the New Bev will remain at the bottom of this section. The Wednesday matinee is Possessed (1947), starring Joan Crawfors, while the weekend’s “KIddee Matinee” is a classic… 1965’s The Sound of Music! There’s a special Cartoon Club on Saturday morning and Pulp Fiction is the Saturday midnight and then Monday’s matinee is Fast Times at Ridgmont High (1985) in 35mm.

STREAMING AND CABLE

Probably more than anything, I’m excited for the return of Jon Favreau’s The Chef Show this Friday, but there’s also a new original film called TALL GIRL, directed by Nzingha Stewart and starring Ava Michelle as the tallest girl in school (hence the title), who deals with being so tall until she meets Luke Eisner’s Stig, a Swedish foreign exchange student who is even taller than her. It’s another cute teen-targeted rom-com from Netflix that I’m not sure I’ll ever see.

Next week is a mix of stuff including James Gray’s Ad Astra, starring Brad Pitt; Sylvester Stallone is back as Rambo: Last Blood and Downton Abbeyr eturns… but only in theaters.

[askjennie]

Can you give me some advice?

Hello there :) I just want to say before talking about my situation how much I appreciate what you’re doing with your Tumblr. It’s great to know that someone out there will help others when they feel helpless or when they aren’t sure what to do! I’m normally not one to ask for a lot of advice or help because I tend to always want to handle things on my own and I’ve never been in a really tough situation like the one I’m in before. I have a therapist, but I feel as though some situations I can’t talk to her about (aka school) because I just don’t feel comfortable bringing it up, I’m not sure if she can say anything to my mom or anyone else. She’s very helpful with encouraging me and helping me with short-term things, it’s also great to vent for a bit and have someone be understanding. I’ve learned to deal with a lot of my problems regarding my grandma, but she doesn’t really give me any advice often and I’m also hoping for a second opinion on things. This is going to be quite long and I’d like to remain as an anon just in case anyone from my town or any of my family members to see it.

I have a lot of family issues, I mentioned that I had problems with my grandma because she can be very blunt, not supportive, superficial, and judgemental (especially of my mother and sister), but I’ve resolved all of that completely. Most of my issues are with my mother, some with my father. My parents got divorced when I was 7 (I am 15, almost 16 right now), before they separated they used to fight all of the time right in front of my sister and I. I was close with my dad, I was very much a “daddy’s girl” and I did a lot of things with him. The second that my parents separated, my mom made sure that we had time with my dad where we could see him and still spend weekends at his place. But as the years went on (around two years after they split), we lost almost all contact with him. For some reason he just didn’t want to see my sister and I. He had always been the type to disappear for a bit and want some space (I don’t blame him, I need a lot of space on a daily basis myself), but as of the current moment I only speak to him once every… maybe three-four months. We really only talk for Christmas, his birthday, my birthday, Thanksgiving, and NYE. Last year I only saw him maybe two-three times in person, for around 45 minutes where he talked about himself. He doesn’t know me at all, he doesn’t really seem to be interested in what I’m up to, and he constantly tells me to call him more often, but then he doesn’t call me himself. My sister has cut all contact with him, ignores him, doesn’t want a relationship with him and my mother constantly talks very rudely about him. He’s currently unemployed and owe’s my family a looootttttt of money in child support. He lives with a girlfriend and her son, both of whom aren’t very nice people and have a lot of issues. I’m conflicted because everyone around me (aka my sister and mom) seems to not like him, I have some anger towards him (which I’ve tried talking to him about multiple times and he doesn’t get it), but I also want to have a relationship with him. It all just seems so complicated that I don’t even know what to do about it.

Just as a backstory for what I’ll discuss is going on with my mom, I have also been very badly bullied since I was 8 up until when I turned 13. I’m currently homeschooled, have no friends (other than 3 friends I talk to online who are super amazing), and rarely get out of my house because of my mother (I’ll explain in a minute) and because I can’t drive yet. I sometimes spend time with my sister, go out once a week or so with my grandma, and run errands with my mom. But other than that, I don’t go out. Part of me wants to have friends, but from past experiences, I feel like it’d be way too much for me to handle right now. And plus, I have no idea how to start gaining friends and meeting people. I have a lot of money issues, so I can’t afford to do any sports or activities, and it’s not like my mom and sister have friends who have younger siblings. My town is very small and I know most everyone and I do not want to be friends with any of them again. I’m very mature and advanced for my age, I’m not into partying, drinking, or relationships. I’m more interested in books and writing and music. If I were to get friends, I wouldn’t want them to be from my town. I don’t think I would be able to handle that because of all of my past bullying experiences. But I’m also not sure how to go about meeting new friends who are like-minded.

As for what’s going on with my mom, it’s a huge mess. I’m no doctor, but I have read a lot about Borderline Personality Disorder and it sounds a lot like my mom. I didn’t have any issues with her until around a year ago, we got along really well and I was super close with her. But around a year and a half ago, when we recently moved houses, she completely changed. I don’t know if it’s because I got older and really saw things for how they are or if it’s new, but she is one big ball of negativity. She’s currently unemployed right now, looking into babysitting jobs, and for a while now has been quitting and being fired from jobs. One of her main mottos is “I hate everyone.” and “Everyone’s so stupid.”. When we’re driving in the car and someone will wait too long at a stop sign or something, she will curse and scream at them. Then she’ll spend the next five minutes complaining that people are stupid and that she’s better than them. She always has an issue with everything and is very anti-social. She doesn’t want to leave the house ever and if we do, she complains the entire time. She will literally go on and on and on and on for days, weeks, years, decades about the same situations. She never lets anything go or moves on. One of her main goals in life is to marry a rich man and stop working forever, so therefor she never has to leave the house “to deal with stupid people”. She’s admitted that she’d rather marry for money than love and that she would rather trade in her values (like respect and dignity) if that meant she could be rich. She has a very distorted view of the world, she believes that she’s the only one who’s struggling and that everyone else has it easy. She is extremely stubborn and believes she’s always in the right, that anyone who fights or disagrees with her is stupid. She’s currently in a very volatile relationship with my dad’s old best friend (obviously they’re not friends anymore lol), I’ll call him Mitch just to make things easier. They’ve “been together” for around 6-8 years, not sure exactly how long. Mitch’s twin daughters used to be best friends with my sister and his son was best friends with me for a while, up until Mitch and my mom got together. He’s still married to his wife (they’re getting a divorce now and they were separated when he was with my mom, but still living with her) who is absolutely insane, she hates my family and used to stalk us, we actually had to get a restraining order. His kids absolutely hate us, as well. Mitch’s kids fight with each other every day and are insanely rude to each other, they’ll hit each other and scream/curse at each other. His twin daughters are very stuck up and are rude, his son is suicidal and very depressed. Mitch doesn’t treat them right, calls them foul things, and is not a nice guy. He in the past has threatened my mom (only once, but it still counts because he did it), he has cheated on my mom, and is extremely rude and aggressive. He has lied so many times to my mom that I wouldn’t be surprised if everything he says to her is false. Saying I don’t like him is an understatement. He doesn’t treat my cats very nicely (doesn’t abuse them, but isn’t nice at the same time), he only talks about politics and I can definitely see that his energy is similar to my mom’s. He’s a very angry person and all he does is complain, as well. My mom always asks him for things, always asks him to buy us groceries and depends on him all of the time. I hate to say this, but I have a feeling that she’s only with him because he’s someone she can complain to, someone who “will love her”, and someone who will support her financially, just like she said she wants. My mom and I have issues because of a few reasons. One, she is an extremely hard person to “deal with” on an everyday basis. She’s negative, curses all the time, has a very distorted and messed up view of the world, and is very insecure. She calls herself fat all of the time, but then will eat a tub of ice cream. She believes that a bagel with butter is healthy and refuses to eat many healthy foods. She eats basically the same things everyday, then complains that she needs to stop eating. She’s a bit more stout than she used to because she’s getting older and doesn’t eat as healthy as she should, but she is IN NO WAY fat. She looks like a woman her age should. She doesn’t take her appearance into consideration at all. She wears pajamas around 96% of the time and wears old baggy clothes when we go out. Her life revolves around eating crappy snacks while watching TV and talking to her boyfriend. She doesn’t want to work, she expects all of her jobs to be exactly what she wants and if she gets yelled at by her boss for being 5 minutes late to work, she complains that they’re the one in the wrong and contemplates leaving the job. She has fought with every single one of her bosses, she has no friendships with anyone, and most of her relationships end in her screaming and complaining about them because “they’re stupid”. She’s extremely controlling, which is my main issue with her. She is incredibly entitled and whenever her and I fight, I’m not allowed to share my opinions WHATSOEVER. She thinks that a family should be a patriarchy and that she’s God compared to me. It’s always what she wants, what she feels, what she’s in the mood for, what she doesn’t want, and her say is the only say. I’m an extremely great child to her, I make life very easy for her and I give her advice, I clean up, I avoid arguments with her, and I always try to be compassionate and understand towards her. I always listen to her and put myself in her shoes. When we argue, she says very evil things that no one could ever forgive her for. She goes from 0-100, and 0 is already 100 just on a normal day. As an example and what I really need advice on is this- recently she told me that Mitch was finally getting a divorce and that he’s getting a big settlement from something and he wants to buy a house. I knew where she was going with that, so I asked her if she was planning on moving in with him. She said “Well you never know, but I hope so.”. I started to explain myself calmly, saying that I don’t think I would feel comfortable with moving in with him because of his family situation and their dynamic. Not only that, but her and Mitch fight ALL THE TIME. They never get along, have broken up too many times to count, and are nasty to each other. When she isn’t fighting with him, she’s on the phone with him every second of the day. Literally, she talks to him more than she talks to me. Her life revolves around him, nothing else is as important as him. If we’re having an important family dinner and she gets a phone call from him, she’ll answer it, leave the room and talk to him for half an hour. Then another hour later, she’ll do the same thing. I’ll be in the middle of talking to her when the phone rings and it’s Mitch. She’ll answer it, ignore that I was talking about something, and have a 45 minute conversation with him about Trump. I know nothing about Mitch other than what my mom has told me and the bottom line is I do not ever want to move in with him and his kids. I have never and will never feel comfortable with that. I will be completely miserable and I know my relationship with my mom will change drastically. When I tried expressing one or two of my concerns, she tried to downplay my feelings, saying that “almost every family has difficulties upon moving in for the first time”. She was not letting me feel how I want to feel. Then she basically said that the only reason why she wants to move in with him is because our financial issues would “disappear”, because he would be paying for the majority of everything. I kept reassuring her that I understood that it would be a lot easier for her if she didn’t have the responsibility of paying for all of the bills, but she wasn’t listening to me and how I felt, which is typical. I kept trying to express my opinion, but it got to a point where I couldn’t listen to her anymore. She kept telling me “that I don’t understand because I’m not the one paying the bills” and that “I have no say” that “I belong to her and wherever she goes, I go”. She got so annoyed with me trying to simply express my opinion that she sent me to my room. I’m almost 16, she talks to me like an adult about adult topics, she tells me all of our financial issues, all of the issues with my dad, complains to me about her work and relationship issues, as well as makes me do chores. She treats me like a 35 year old every second of the day, until we’re fighting. Then my feelings are irrelevant because “she’s an adult” and “she pays the bills”. She thinks that I’m “disrespecting her” and “being a brat” because I don’t agree with her. This issue is definitely the straw that broke the camel’s back, I have had major issues with her since. We haven’t fought about anything since, but our relationship is not the same. I try to avoid her as often as I can, if I have to ride in the car with her I put on music, it’s really awkward between us, and I only spend a small portion of the day with her. I don’t respect her as much anymore, I don’t trust her and I don’t think I’ll have the same relationship with her for a while, if not forever. Every time we fight she moves on like nothing happened and never apologizes. She can never take the blame, everything’s always my fault. I love her to death, but most of my “like” towards her is gone. I don’t share anything with her anymore, I don’t ask to spend time with her as much, and I stay in my room the majority of the day. I am constantly pissed off at her, I’m not a crybaby but I’ve cried and gotten upset almost every day since we’ve had our fight (which was January 27th). We’ve discussed our fight once, in which she said that it’s still on her mind and that she wants to talk about it again. She says that she values my opinion but I know in the end she’ll do whatever she wants and doesn’t care how I feel. I’ve decided to write her a note and email it to her, she knows that I’m doing this and I plan on sending it to her when I finish reading it to my therapist on Wednesday, but I don’t think that’s enough. I don’t know what to do besides that. Even though she wants to continue talking about it and she knows my feelings about the situation, she is looking at houses everyday with her boyfriend. I’ll be on the couch in the living room and I’ll hear her in the kitchen talking about houses with him, right in front of me as if I don’t exist. She claims she’s “just looking” but I know she’s not “just looking”. I’m scared because I do not want to move in with Mitch and his family, but I don’t know what else to do if that does end up happening. I’ll most likely have to share a room with someone again, I know Mitch will try to “parent” me and think I’m his property, I know I will not get along with my mom, and I know I won’t want her to be in my life very often if she chooses him over my happiness. The worst part is that I can’t even drive or move out if she does go through with it because I’m only 15. I can’t just move in with my grandma or dad, she wouldn’t let me. And I don’t really want to get emancipated, she would be crushed and wouldn’t let that happen either. I have a little over two years left to live with her and I’ve had enough of her stuff. I can’t avoid her, she’s not working currently so she’s always in the house, I’ve only gotten around 4-5 hours alone from her in the past two months, I feel her negativity from the other end of the house, and every time I try to even sit next to her she’s either on the phone with her boyfriend or complaining. I have no idea what to do, I feel completely stuck. I’ve tried to give my mom advice, say that maybe therapy would be nice, but she doesn’t go through with anything. She’s completely suffocating me and I’ve seen a drastic change in my mood. I have never and will never be suicidal or extremely depressed, even though I’m upset and my emotions are all over the place, I have too many positive thoughts and hopes for the future to have any destructive thoughts like that. But if you knew me in real life and knew how happy I always am, how positive my personality is, you’d know that I’m feeling slightly depressed. I feel totally stuck, like a prisoner almost, and I have no way to fixing it. I have no idea what to do.

As for the last thing, which ties into the issues with my mom, is school. My dream is to become an actress, entertainer, writer, director, filmmaker, etc. I really don’t want to do anything else and that’s what I’m best at. For the longest time I’ve wanted to go to college to get away from my mom, live on my own, and start my life. But recently I’ve been questioning school. I’m homeschooled, I attend an online academy that let’s me go at my own pace. I do all of my schoolwork on my own, I am responsible for teaching myself. I’m really behind on schoolwork and I haven’t been keeping up because I have too much on my mind to sit down and complete anything. I get very good grades, but I’m not sure if I even want to complete high school. I’m not sure what to do. Education doesn’t seem like something I want for my future, I want to start writing and doing everything now, not waiting until I get degrees that aren’t even really necessary for what I want to do. But at the same time, I’m not sure if I’d be making a mistake by not completing high school and attending college. I don’t want to end up like my parents who didn’t go to college and are unemployed and have difficult lives. But then again, I want to be an actress and writer, which don’t require an education. I feel like my knowledge of life and my maturity is advanced for my age that I’m almost dumbing down to complete courses that I already know everything about. I know enough about math from being with my mom who teached me about taxes and handling money. I learned science from my uncle who’s a paramedic and from the internet (I’m quite interested in certain science topics). I’ve been writing since I was 8 and know a lot about English, plus I read and write everyday. I know enough from Social Studies from having parents who loved the idea of traveling and religion and the past. I know a lot and I feel like finishing everything would be a waste of time, I could be starting my occupation, I could start writing. But I don’t want to make a mistake. Right now I’m so overwhelmed with my family issues that I can’t do anything but just sit and listen to music. I can’t even think about doing any type of learning right now, it’s way too much for me. I’m stuck because I don’t want to complete my education but I also don’t know if I’ll be making a mistake. Even if I tried to stick it out and push through with my courses, I feel like I would have a mental breakdown because I have so much going on. I’ve been writing for a while, I have over 8 stories that I’m passionate about that I want to start getting published or putting out there. I also want to start attending auditions and maybe create a YouTube channel, but I feel like it’d be insanely difficult to do all of the things I want to do for my future, along with finishing high school and attending college, dealing with the multiple issues I have with my parents, and still trying to contain a peaceful and positive life for myself on the side. I know everyone says you should have an education behind you, but what would you do if you were me? Should I be focusing more of my future with my job or be focusing more on school and sucking it up? Should I take a month break to figure out things with my mom first and then catch up on school? I’m so overwhelmed with shame that I haven’t been on time with my schoolwork that I would probably have a panic attack from being upset about everything. My room is a complete mess, I feel like I can barely focus on anything because my head is a complete mess.

I’m so sorry that this is long, but I really need advice. I need to start improving my life and everything around me, but I’m not sure where to start. Also I apologize for any mistakes or writing errors. Thank you so much if you do answer, I really appreciate it :)

Jennie: Okay, this is long, so let’s go paragraph by paragraph.

 It’s great that you have a therapist you can talk to. What you say to them should be totally confidential unless you say anything to suggest that you’re going to harm yourself or others. But if you’re worried about them telling your mom about certain things, it’s okay to ask them about their confidentiality policy, and under what circumstances they would speak to your mom about what you said.

It’s understandable for you to be angry at your dad, and it’s also understandable for you to still want a relationship with him. Family situations can be complicated, because even if someone does something that upsets you, you usually still love them, and then you’re stuck in the tricky position of trying to navigate a relationship with someone who you’re not sure you even like. But what’s important is that you focus on what kind of relationship you want with your dad, not what your mom and your sister want. They might not want anything to do with him, and that’s okay. But he’s your dad, and you get to decide how much effort you put into maintaining a relationship with him.

Being homeschooled means that you do need to make an effort to go and meet people, and if you don’t have a supportive family who are invested in your homeschooling, that can be a problem. But you could try searching for homeschool groups in your area - if your mom won’t take you, could your grandma, or your sister?

I’d like to point out that there’s nothing wrong with being interested in partying, drinking, or relationships, and that you’re not automatically more ‘advanced’ than your peers if you’re not interested in those things. It is possible for someone to be interested in parties and music, or in dating and writing. But if you’re adamant that you don’t want any friends that live in your town, then you probably are going to need to wait until you’re able to move somewhere else before you start seeking out friends, aside from online friends.

I’m not a doctor either, and it would be wrong of me to try and diagnose your mom, but it does sound like she has some mental health issues, and that’s not your fault. That’s frustrating, but you can’t change her - all you can do is continue to control the way you interact with her, and your reactions to her behaviour. Continue to be reasonable, and kind. Continue to try and communicate how you feel when she’s upset you. I think writing her a note or email is a great idea. Suggesting therapy, or family therapy, is also a great idea. If she doesn’t respond to these things, that’s not your fault. It’s not personal either - if she says something horrible to you, it’s not because you’re a bad person, it’s because she’s got some issues that she takes out on other people.

Talk to your grandma, dad, sister and therapist about the current situation. If there’s any small chance of you being able to move in with someone else right now, then I think it’s worth asking. But if you do move in with Mitch and his family, you may just have to make the best of it. Do your best to get along with everyone. Be a positive influence even if nobody else is. Get some time to yourself wherever you can find it (if you’re able to learn to drive soon, that will mean you can get out of the house by yourself more often). And keep planning for your future.

Yes, you absolutely should stay in education. To assume that you’ll be able to have the independence and freedom that you want without completing high school is, honestly, a little naive. I know that you’re young, and it’s easy to think that you can just ‘become’ an actress or a writer and earn a lot from that, but realistically, most people in the entertainment industry work their way up, and without a high school education, you’re unlikely to even be hired as an intern. Are you planning on living with your mom and remaining dependent on her until an acting career turns up on your doorstep? Or, do you want to get out and be independent and start working hard as soon as possible? From everything you’ve said before this, it sounds like you want to get out of this situation as soon as you’re able to do so, so it’s a little confusing to then read that you’re not sure you want to bother finishing high school.

It’s not necessarily about what you already know. It’s about being taken seriously by any employer. It’s about being able to get a job and save up money to move out and pursue your dreams. It’s about being able to go to college far away from your mom and move out that way. It’s about making sure you have the most opportunities possible, because you are young, and honestly, you don’t know exactly where you’re going to end up or how you’re going to get there. You need to ensure that you have many different paths you can take, rather than being restricted by the fact that you never got the right qualifications. You have the rest of your life to do what you’re passionate about - right now you need to build a base so that you can start doing what you want to do, independently. Whether you go to college is your choice - I’d recommend it, as a way to get out of your current living situation if nothing else, but it’s not for everyone, and I respect that. But if you abandon your education now, you are setting yourself up for a life of being dependent on others.

Keep working hard, keep working towards your future, keep seeking support where you can find it, whether that’s from family members, online friends, or your therapist. This is a temporary situation, and it sucks, but this is only a small part of the rest of your life. You can get through it.