#like dean being so scared of everything being a lie he lashes out on cas

[hitmeupaep]

destiel angst but imagine a world where when cas tells dean there real dean replies screaming and sobbing “really cas? an angel of the lord sent down here to put gods chess pieces into place? how do i know your not just another false hope your dad made to destroy me?”

[rainsongmp3]

it’s a cold and it’s a broken

Dean screws up. Cas reacts. This is the aftermath. here on ao3

The call ends. Dean feels hollow. He sits in silence until the tear tracks dry on his face. He can hear the blood pounding in his ears and the crushing quiet of the house. He knew. He knew. He knew this would happen. He would fuck up and Cas would leave. But this is what does them in? Drugs and a lie? No. That’s not it. The drugs and the lies are symptoms, not the problem. Dean is the problem. God, he knew. He’s too broken and messy and fucked up for Cas and he knew. 

Dean can’t stay here. He can’t stay in his quiet and his misery. Suddenly, it’s all too much. Jo is upstairs. Yes, Jo is upstairs. That’s good. Jo is here. He can talk to Jo. He goes upstairs and opens the door to the bedroom they’re sharing. Jo is asleep. Of course, Jo is asleep. Dean realizes that he can’t wake her up. He can’t wake her up and talk about his bullshit feelings and his bullshit heartbreak. He can’t wake her up and be a burden. Dean goes back downstairs.

Dean looks at Ellen asleep on the couch. She must’ve fallen asleep watching TV. Bobby is upstairs in their bed. Dean is struck with the thought that she has someone waiting for her. So does Jo. Everyone has someone waiting for them. Except for Dean. It’s too much. It’s all too much. Cas is gone and it’s too much. It’s all too much like a gunshot to the heart. Dean’s fingers close around a bottle of tequila in the liquor cabinet before he notices that’s where he was going. This is good. Tequila is good for being drunk. Tequila is good for turning it off. It’s all too much and Dean needs to turn it off. 

Dean unscrews the cap, squeezes his eyes shut, brings the bottle to his lips, and drinks. And drinks. And drinks. And drinks some more. The tequila burns its way down his throat. Good. Good that it burns. Dean drinks again. 

All at once, the house is stifling; stiflingly quiet, stiflingly small, stifling. 

Strange how a house with its high ceilings and large windows can become a prison cell. A house that was once a comfort, filled with friends and family, good memories, and calming ocean air now feels akin to a metal box. Confining. Dark. Air-tight. 

Dean runs.

He runs out the door. The bottle of tequila securely in his fist. No shoes, no jacket, no thought. He just goes.

Outside in the night air, everything seems just a little less. It’s less heartbreaking, less gut-wrenching, less impossible out here. Dean breathes. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Dean breathes maybe for the first time since Cas ended the call. 

The gravel driveway bites at Dean’s feet. The tequila bites at his throat. Cas bites at his heart. It’s okay. Dean deserves to be bitten. 

Waves crash, beating against the sea wall. They crash against the rock. White foam against unforgiving gray. Somehow, the foam wins. It smooths out the rocks’ sharp edges. How can something so soft cut down granite? 

It doesn’t stop. The heartbreak doesn’t stop in the night air. Dean walks down the road. He turns at the space in between houses where man meets the sea. His steps are shakier now. With alcohol burning through his bloodstream, every nerve is numbed. His body doesn’t respond the same to his brain. It’s quieter that way even if Dean’s steps are louder. He climbs the sea wall using the grooves and spaces in the stones like rungs on a ladder. It’s awkward. He’s drunk and clumsy and one of his hands is occupied. He misses steps. He slips a couple of inches down the flat surface. His foot falls out of its hold. He can’t quite get the angle to pull himself up with the alcohol in hand. It’s almost pathetic, but he makes it to the top. Fifteen feet above ground seems a lot higher to a dizzy Dean. Nearly losing his balance in the process, he sits down. 

The moon stares at him accusingly from above. Its choppy reflection in the ocean below blames him. I’m sorry, he almost wants to say. What good would it do to apologize to the moon? It’s Cas he needs to apologize to. Apologize until Cas will love him again. Scream I’m sorry until he’s blue in the face and falls to his knees at Cas’s feet. Weep there, on his knees, until Cas understands. Beg and sob and grovel until Cas takes him back. Because at the end of all of this, Dean is nothing without Cas. Dean is nothing. Cas is everything. Cas is everything good. Cas is everything light. Cas is everything happy. Cas is everything safe. Cas is everything that makes life worth living. Oh, how Dean loves him. Dean loves him so fiercely it hurts. He remembers those moments, those gentle moments, lying in bed together smiling softly and how in those moments his heart cracks open. It spills light into the lingering shadows of Cas’s room. It leeches love into the very atoms of the earth. Cas leeches him. Bloodletting in the most enticing way. How could Dean not bleed when Cas’s deep stare pulls at his soul and his smile soothes cracks? How can something so soft cut down granite? Dean sighs, pulling oxygen back into his bones, and lets it go again. He doesn’t deserve Cas. He never did. This is far from the first time he’s screwed up. He’s not built for this kind of thing— a loving, committed relationship. No wonder Cas gave up on him. Dean tries. He tries. It’s not enough. How could he ever be enough for Cas? He wasn’t enough for his dad. He wasn’t even enough for his own father. He’s never enough to make someone stay. His mom: dead. His dad: absent. His brother: preoccupied. Bobby: distracted. Ellen: disappointed. His old friends: left. All he really has is Jo now. Everybody leaves, huh?

Oh.

Everybody leaves.

Everybody leaves. He really thought Cas was going to disprove that. The exception. His stupid, dumbass exception. His exception with too-blue eyes. His exception with a gummy smile. His exception that knows too much about astrophysics to be a normal guy. (Not that he wants a normal guy. He wants Cas.) His exception who’s overly enthusiastic about bees. His exception that’s grumpy in the mornings. (Cas is garbage before 11 AM and without two cups of coffee.) His exception that indulges Dean’s stupid whims. His exception. His perfect, unfathomable exception. As it turns out, Dean was wrong. Cas is not his exception. Cas is Dean’s most grievous mistake. Not a mistake for having loved him. (No, never that. Never that.) His mistake for pushing him to this. The sight of Cas’s tear-stained face twisted in heartbreak and Sisyphean hope is an image Dean can never unburn from his memory. That would be his own rock to endlessly push up a hill. Cas’s was trying to love Dean. What did Cas do in a previous life to deserve that kind of endless torture?

Dean wishes he could sit Cas down in a coffee shop or maybe on a park bench and just explain. He’d tried, but mostly he just pleaded. Not with words. Or maybe not the right ones. Cas don’t do this isn’t the same as Cas please don’t go Cas please stay Cas please don’t leave me. Dean could explain. He could explain it all. He could tell Cas how he’s so beyond damaged. His dad might love him but it’s so buried underneath alcoholism and orders and grief that it never quite penetrates his skin. His father’s love isn’t even skin deep. It never made its way into Dean’s bloodstream. No matter how hard he tries, Dean can’t quite imagine his father telling him he’s proud of him. Not in the way fathers are supposed to. Everything always has to come second to Sam. ever since the fire, ever since take care of your brother, Dean, Sam has been his wampeter. His whole purpose. His God-given central theme. That’s so much weight to a four-year-old. A preschooler can’t do the job of Atlas. Dean can sometimes hardly stand the weight of it on his shoulders now. There is so much anger in him. It’s coiled tight: a viper ready to strike or a match a second from igniting. There is poison in Dean’s punch. It’s only a matter of time before Dean’s fist is aimed at Cas. Dean was raised with exchanging blows. What is love if not a deep, lingering bruise? It’s the kind that aches for days but you can’t help but prod at. The last thing Dean wants to do is hurt Cas. He never wants to lash out with his hands. It’s all he knows. What if he can’t keep the bubbling, boiling, lava-hot rage at bay? Dean’s lost so much, so many people. It used to keep him awake at night: the gnawing anxiety that he would lose Cas too. The fear of Cas burning sat so heavy in Dean’s bone marrow. The fear of aiming his own blaze at Cas turned every cell in his body to ice. Ice-nine. One touch and everything in him is killing blue-white frost. In those moments, Dean is scared to even lay a finger on Cas lest the blue-white frost gets him too. Dean is made of loss and violence and white-knuckling. The fear of exposing that side of him to Cas… that used to bring bile into his throat. So, Dean kept Cas at arm’s length. Even while they were chest to chest, Dean kept him at arm’s length. Keep Cas at a distance and save him from the snapping jaws waiting to tear at his flesh. Lie about the drinking. Lie about the drugs. Lie about the self-destructive timebomb. Lie about it to keep Cas safe. 

But now. Everything is different. Dean would pour out everything in him to Cas. Take his heart and tip; let his artery drip every nasty thought into a cup and give Cas the option to drink. He would do anything, give anything to just be able to hold Cas in his arms again. He would swim oceans and bottle clouds to kiss Cas again. He would scorch the Earth to just have Cas look at him with love again. 

Dean glances at the bottle still bound to his palm. More than halfway gone. Not a good way to get Cas back. Dean stares at the crashing waves. He watches them hit the stone and the sand. He watches the water caress the earth. 

Dean stands on wobbly legs. Drunk legs are sea legs. He lets his drunk legs take him to the sea. Getting down the wall is less awkward than getting up it. All he has to do is sit and let gravity do the work. He controls the semi-slide down. Sealegs meet the sand. It’s damp. Dean wiggles his toes into it. He makes his way into the water. It’s cold, but not an unforgiving cold. It’s the placating cold of a snow day. He sloshes through the surf. His foot slips on a hidden rock and the world tilts even more as he goes down. His arms go out in front of him to break his fall on instinct. The bottle of tequila hits another obscured rock. It shatters. Dean raised the broken bottle by the neck. The bottom half is gone. It’s almost comical. He holds it the same as he did before but he’s only got a piece now. The ocean took the remaining tequila. He chucks the rest of the bottle as hard as he can to the rocks far to his left. Maybe he’ll make some sea glass. 

Dean wades further into the water. The tide pulls at his hips. He lets it sway him. Everything feels cleaner in the ocean. Saltwater is good for open wounds. The ocean disinfects him. The waves pull the poison out of his blood. He is cleaner now.

Seven days later, Cas calls. 

[samclownchester]

Supernatural Rewatch 04x04

Metamorphosis

(Next Episode | Masterlist | Previous Episode) 

Alright, we’re gonna look at this episode from two different perspectives:

1. Dean’s role as an older brother throughout the episode

Dean is in an extremely emotionally vulnerable place at the beginning of the episode, he just met his parents as young adults before they were destroyed but monsters, he watched his grandparents die, he saw his father dead and brought back to life by a demon who he knows is the one who will kill his mother. He was already filled with emotions, then Cas shows him that Sam has been lying to him and doing things that look unnatural with a demon Dean already doesn’t trust.

So, he’s emotionally vulnerable. And what does Dean do when he’s emotionally vulnerable? (say it with me class) that’s right, he responds with cruelty. He is so overwhelmed already, and he’s scared, Sam’s powers have always freaked him out, although he tried to hide it at first, and he’s worried, and he feels betrayed, so he lashes out. He says things rashly, he cuts Sam where he knows it’ll hurt.

DEAN Slippery slope, brother. Just wait and see. Because it's gonna get darker and darker, and God knows where it ends.… If I didn't you know... I would wanna hunt you.… tell me. If it's so terrific... then why'd you lie about it to me? Why did an angel tell me to stop you? … Cas said that if I don't stop you, he will. See what that means, Sam? That means that God doesn't want you doing this. So, are you just gonna stand there and tell me everything is all good?

And he succeeds, he hurts Sam because he feels hurt. Honestly, I think that this is less about what Sam is doing and more about the fact that he kept it a secret from Dean. I’ve talked before about how Dean rarely lies to the people who are important to him, and although both brothers have kept secrets from each other before, it was never about something this big, or this scary. John was the one who kept secrets, but Dean always knew that he and Sam would have each other’s backs. So, to find out that his brother had been lying cut him really deeply.

However, throughout the episode there are little moments where it feels like Dean is trying … to apologize, in a way? Trying to act like their just good brothers who didn’t have a hurtful argument just a few hours before: Some examples

Playful teasing like he normally does

TRAVIS You still a.. oh, what was it... a mathlete? SAM No. DEAN Yep, sure is.

When Travis is offended that Sam felt the need to do further research and not just trust Travis’s experience (it’s more teasing but he’s also trying to protect Sam from having to defend himself to Travis).

DEAN Sam loves research. He does.

Also, when Sam says he doesn’t want to talk Dean tries to playfully tease him again

SAM Look, if it's all the same... I'd really rather not talk about it. DEAN Wait a minute. What? You don't want to talk? You?

And I think there’s a few more instances like that, with subtle little signs of affection that show that Dean is trying to get things back to normal with Sam, although Sam reacts to all of these a little stiffly, because he’s not ready for things to be back to normal.

(Also, and this continues throughout the season, all of these instances are Dean remembering Sam as his nerdy little brother, poking fun at things that he sees as Sam’s defining attributes, but Sam isn’t the nerdy, emotional kid that Dean wants him to be. He’s tired, with harder edges and he doesn’t really want to be seen as the mathlete, research loving, emotional little brother. So, Dean’s attempts at brotherly bonding fall flat.)

But, he’s also a little passive aggressive:

SAM I should have told you. I'm sorry. DEAN You've been saying that a lot lately, Sam. But whatever. You don't want to tell me, you don't have to. It's fine.

…

TRAVIS John would have been damn proud of you. Sticking together like this. DEAN Yeah. Yeah, we're as thick as thieves. Nothing more important than family.

Then, because Dean’s not an idiot and he knows his brother and he can see the parallels to 01x14 as clearly as we can, he tries to bring it up. This is actually pretty big, because we know that Dean is not big on talking about feelings, so the fact that he is the one trying to open up a conversation about this stuff shows that he really does care about how Sam is feeling. I think he’s aware that he made a pretty deep cut at the beginning of the episode and he really is trying to fix it the best way he can (he just sucks at it). Which brings a heartbreaking monologue from Sam that we’ll discuss in a moment.

And then, to Dean’s credit, he tries it Sam’s way, much like he did in 01x14 and 02x03, despite his belief that they should shoot first and ask questions later, he stands down, tries to talk it out with Jack first. This, to me, was the biggest sign that Dean didn’t mean what he had said at the beginning of the episode. Because if he had lost trust in Sam, if he truly believed that Sam deserved to be hunted, he would not have even tried to have this conversation with Jack.

And I think he understands what it means to Sam that they failed, that Jack gave in to his impulses and that Travis died (largely because they didn’t take the preventative measure that Travis suggested). Dean knows that Sam is seeing this all as a metaphor and he sees how much it hurts him. 

2. Now, Sam’s emotional journey throughout the episode:

At the beginning, with Ruby, he seems to be happy and proud of himself. He didn’t get a headache this time! They saved the vessel! Everything is going well. Until Dean ruins everything with his controlling, paranoid, attitude.

SAM I'm pulling demons out of innocent people. DEAN Use the knife! SAM The knife kills the victim! What I do, most of them survive! Look, I've saved more people in the last five months than we save in a year. DEAN That what Ruby want you to think? Huh? Kind of like the way she tricked you into using your powers? Slippery slope, brother. Just wait and see. Because it's gonna get darker and darker, and God knows where it ends. SAM I'm not gonna let it go too far.

And this is one of the things I really hate because Dean proves to be right, in the end, even though he’s the one acting irrational and jumping to conclusions, while Sam has some really good points! But it’s whatever…

And then Dean says something that shakes Sam to his core.

DEAN If I didn't you know... I would wanna hunt you.

If it's so terrific … Why did an angel tell me to stop you? … Cas said that if I don't stop you, he will. See what that means, Sam? That means that God doesn't want you doing this. So, are you just gonna stand there and tell me everything is all good?

This feels especially cruel coming from Dean, who’s never even believed in God, who insults every angel he meets. He has no reverence for heaven or their plan, so he only brings it up knowing that Sam has faith in God. Knowing that it will mean something to him, and scare him into stopping.

So, now Dean has effectively called Sam both a monster and a sinner (without using the exact words but that’s what he said) and the two of them have to shove that aside, not deal with it, and go hunt a man who has monster genetics and works as a perfect metaphor for what Sam is going through.

(I see you Chuck, and I hate you)

Sam sees himself in Jack, yes, but he also has an intrinsic belief that people are basically good. That, given the choice, people will choose to be kind and decent, and not give in to their evil nature. I like to think that, even if he hadn’t been struggling with his own “monster” nature, he would have fought to give Jack a chance.

However, Dean pokes at the problem and Sam explodes

SAM Stop the car or I will! … You want to know why I've been lying to you, Dean? Because of crap like this. … The way you talk to me, the way you look at me like I'm a freak … You know, or even worse, like I'm an idiot! Like I don't know the difference between right and wrong! DEAN Do you know the difference, Sam? I mean, you've been kind of strolling a dark road lately. SAM You have no idea what I'm going through. None. DEAN Then enlighten me! SAM I've got demon blood in me, Dean! This disease pumping through my veins, and I can't ever rip it out or scrub it clean! I'm a whole new level of freak! And I'm just trying to take this - this curse... and make something good out of it. Because I have to.

(Every time that Sam yells I find it very therapeutic. Like YAASS QUEEN tell them how it is!)

We haven’t really heard the word freak for a while. It was a recurring theme throughout the first 2 seasons, but it was mostly dropped in season 3. Here it is again, twice, reminding us that Sam’s always been afraid of being a freak, of being different.

At the end of the episode, Dean finally, actually says the words “I’m sorry” (I haven’t checked but I bet you could count on 2 hands the number of times Dean says those words throughout the entire series). But Sam doesn’t want to have a heart to heart about it.

DEAN Sam, I wanna tell you I'm sorry. I've been kind of hard on you lately. SAM Don't worry about it, Dean. DEAN It's just that your, uh, your psychic thing, it scares the crap out of me. SAM Look, if it's all the same... I'd really rather not talk about it. … There's nothing more to say. I can't keep explaining myself to you. I can't make you understand … Because this thing, this blood, it's not in you the way it's in me. It's just something I got to deal with. DEAN Not alone.

And exactly when Dean says “not alone” the camera cuts to a shot of Sam looking out the window, staring at his own reflection, showing us that, despite what Dean is saying, Sam really is alone in this.

But ... the events of the day have been enough to convince him not to use his powers. After all, if Jack couldn’t fight off his monstrous nature, who’s to say that Sam can?

[bamby0304]

With Wolves- Ch.13

Series Masterlist

Bamby’s Masterlist

Summary: Known as The Omen, your reputation puts fear in some of the most dangerous and deadly Alphas. So when you’re caught and sent to the worst maximum security facility unknown to man, no one expected an unclaimed Omega to walk through the gates in shackles and an orange jumpsuit. Word circulates, and before long there’s a price on your head. Who will claim the untamed Omega?

A/N: Last week I missed posting on Wednesday and got chapter 12 out on the weekend, so I guess it’s still a little fresh and everything. I didn’t want that to keep me from posting this chapter on Wednesday and get back on track. So, here we are. Also, thank you to @crispychrissy and @yourvoiceislikearose for looking this over!! Love you girls!! :):)

Warnings: Explicit language. A/B/O dynamics. Okie, so… angst. Like… talk of past abuse and implied sexual assault… but not Y/N’s. Then fluff?? Cheating??

Bamby

You’d managed to find a little nook in the library where you could sit on the floor and hid behind some shelves. It was a decent space, not small but not overtly big. It was wide enough for comfort, and ignored because there was no danger of violence occurring. A fight that might arise in you little hiding place would end up out in the open… the people in the fight would then end up in the Pit.

Maybe ten, fifteen minutes had passed since you seated yourself on the ground. There was a window above you that offered a view of the blue sky. You watched as birds flew passed, free… you missed being free.

“Hey.” You didn’t have to look up to know it was Sam.

He waited just a few seconds for your response before deciding to take a seat by your side. You didn’t look at him. You didn’t offer a shred of attention. Instead you remained looking out the window, aware of his presence but not willing to justify it.

There was another pause before he sighed, giving in to the silence. “I didn’t realise he’d done that to you. I know you guys knew each other before ending up here. I didn’t think it had ended like that.”

Still, you remained silent.

“You hate him. You’d kill him if you could.”

Those words got a reaction out of you.

Head spinning, you looked at him with a hard glare. “Do you think I’m just some cold blooded killer? Does everyone think I just mindlessly kill any Alpha I deem fit? If that was the case then I would have killed Cas. We never would have been friends in the first place. I wouldn’t have gotten close to him. I wouldn’t have been put in that situation. Contrary to what people assume, I don’t just kill. There’s always a reason, always a purpose, always an incentive. Whether that be anger, money, self-defence or bloodlust, there is always a reason.”

It was his turn to stay silent as he sat there, watching you. Try as you might, you couldn’t decipher the look in his eyes, but you didn’t really want to. His words had your mind whirling along with all the pent up feelings you’d been suppressing for far too long now.

“You know, I haven’t even killed as many people as you might think. And they weren’t all Alphas. Some of them were Betas. Anyone who wrongs an Omega deserves to be punished. Castiel is just lucky I didn’t get to him in the outside world.”

He continued to watch you with that unreadable expression as he asked, “You didn’t see him after… after what happened?”

“No,” you scoffed as you looked to the window. “I don’t know if I stayed clear from him to keep myself out of trouble. Or maybe he stayed away from me to stay alive. Either way, I didn’t see him again. He called, messaged, tried to explain that it was an honest mistake, but I didn’t believe him.”

“You think he was lying?”

Rolling your eyes, you turned back to him then. “It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“You ever think the Alpha just happened upon you? You were close to your heat and he was in rut…” he noted cautiously, taking note of your easily pressed temper. One wrong move and he would be in deep shit.

“So, what, you think he just sniffed me out?”

“Possibly.”

You gave him a pointed look, ready for him to explain away your next words. “Castiel told me to meet him by an abandoned building in the industrial part of some out-of-the-way town.”

Instead of trying to find a plausible reason to the situation, Sam fell silent once more which did not make you feel any better.

“What kind of person did you think I was before we met?”

He paused a moment before shrugging. “I thought you were a myth. A story told to little Alphas to keep them in check. Which clearly doesn’t work.” He gave you a light grin.

Unable to stop yourself, you chuckled softly.

“To be honest, other than the myth part, I thought it was all blown out of proportion. Dean and I did some damage in our day, but most of the stuff people said about us was bullshit. We came here with a reputation we didn’t know what to do with. People either wanted us dead or wanted us on their side. We had to fight tooth and nail to get where we are now. Kind of like your story, right?”

You nodded lightly. “I’m not the monster people think I am.”

“You’re not the weak Omega girl, either,” he noted. “Guys underestimate you. Just because of your biology. Either everything is bigger than it really is, or everyone thinks you’re playing pretend.”

Looking up at him through your eye lashes, you found his calm demeanour easing your own temper. “You never thought that. You and Dean… you were never scared of me, but you weren’t condescending either.”

“We’re not here to judge or rule over people.”

“You’re Alphas. Pack Alphas.”

“Benny and Dean knew each other out in the real world. He knew my brother could lead him, and he knew he would be safe with us. There was no risk of betrayal or anything complicated. Bobby was already here, didn’t really hang out with anyone other that Rufus, but he took us in without blinking an eye. Kind of became a father figure. And Kevin… he didn’t have an easy beginning here.”

“What do you mean?”

“Remember Lucifer?”

You rolled your eyes, remembering your first day locked up. “How could I not?”

“Well, you’re not the only one he’s badgered. Kevin… he’s weak. I’m not going to lie or beat around the bush. They guy is easily pushed around and before he made friends he was easy pickings. Fresh meat.”

“Bacon,” you recalled the name Lucifer had called him.

Sam nodded. “It started off as teasing, but there are guys around here that… let’s just say they don’t care where they put their knot. Omega, Beta, Alpha. Whatever they can overpower is theirs.”

Blood running cold, you looked up at Sam with wide eyes. “Are you trying to tell me that Kevin was-”

Cutting you off, Sam shook his head. “Almost. Dean and I put a stop to it. After what I went through I couldn’t stand to see him suffer, too.”

After what I went through…

You weren’t sure what that meant, but suddenly you felt sick. Sam was a big guy, a strong Alpha, and a little scary at times, he didn’t look like the type that was easily overpowered…

“Sam…” You reached over to rest a hand on his arm.

Not needing you to ask the question, he went on to explain, “Dean and I spend a lot of time in the Pit and sometimes we have our off days. For Dean that means the brink of death. For me… Lucifer…” His eyes turned to meet yours then. “The staff around here really don’t care about what happens to us, especially down there.”

Your heart broke. He couldn’t and wouldn’t say the words. To be honest, you didn’t want to hear them. You didn’t want his trauma voiced. If Sam told you exactly what he’d been through you weren’t sure you’d survive. Even now, listening to him, watching the broken look in his eyes grow as he fell further into his memories… it was chipping away at you.

“Hey.” You lifted your hand to cup his face, turning him to look at you completely. “Tell me you’re safe now.”

He leaned into your hand. “They won’t touch me anymore. No one will. Dean and I made sure of that. But that doesn’t mean I’m safe. I’m never going to be safe.” His eyes stared into yours with an intensity that had your heart racing and skipping and going a little crazy.

“Sam…”

Lifting his own hand, he brought it up to yours. “I know you’re with my brother. I know it’s his mark you wear.” His eyes dropped to your neck then. “But I feel it, and I know you do, too. There’s something connecting us, and as long as it’s there I’m never going to be safe. Because I know every second you spend in this place is a second too long.”

“You can’t… you can’t talk to me like that, Sam.” You pulled your hand away, letting it fall to the ground.

“Why not?”

“Because, it’s like you said, I’m with your brother. I am with Dean. It might not feel or seem like it, he might be being a dick right now, but that doesn’t change the facts. There’s no going back from this.” Raising your hand, you let your fingers graze your mark.

He followed you, his own fingers brushing the scarred bite on your neck. You shuddered at the feel, eyes instinctively fluttering closed as you tilted your head slightly. The light ghosting of his rough fingers on your skin sent shivers all throughout your body. You could feel the tingle settle between your thighs as your lips parted on a wanting breath.

“Your skin is clammy,” he noted. “The drugs are changing you.”

“Hence the mood swings,” you mumbled.

This was so wrong. So very, very, very wrong. Sam was not your Alpha. He was not the guy you should be sneaking around with. Part of you in that moment wondered if you’d come to this spot just for him. It suddenly felt as if, after seeing him out in the yard, you’d wanted nothing more than this.

If you weren’t so submissive right now you might have climbed him like a tree. Although, if you were so submissive you probably would have realised just how wrong you were being and left him. He was not your Alpha. He was not Dean. But he was with you.

Dean had made himself clear. He was stubborn and impossible. You knew the only way to get through to your Alpha was to give him whatever he wanted. You couldn’t do that. You literally couldn’t, because what he wanted was out of your control. You couldn’t stop the medication, which meant you couldn’t keep yourself out of danger, which meant he wasn’t going to stop worrying about you, and that drove you insane.

“You’ll be going into heat soon.”

Whimpering lightly, your eyes opened to meet his. You refused to say the words, because you refused to sound so weak… but you were scared. These drugs were changing you in dangerous ways, and your Alpha was being too pigheaded to help you. Maybe things would change if he knew how dangerous the situation was, but you doubted it. You got the feeling Dean didn’t let things go so easily, no matter the situation.

Sam watched you carefully. “Have you heard the about the Pack Claim theory?”

You shook your head. “No.”

“It’s this theory that if the bonds are strong enough not to over power one another… an Omega can be claimed more than once.” His eyes turned back to your neck where Dean’s mark lay. Finger grazing the scar, he went on, “It’s not practised anymore because Omegas need to be strong in order to survive each claim made on them. It was also used in less pleasing ways, but once the Omega population began to dwindle those practices were made illegal.”

Watching him with wide and curious eyes, you tried to take in all the information he’d just laid on you. It wasn’t every day you found out that the way you lived, the way everyone lived, wasn’t the only way.

“Dean would never agree to it,” you noted without any real thought.

The corner of Sam’s lips lifted into a little grin. “You really don’t know the guy if that’s what you think.”

“You tried to kill each other.”

“Because he took you without so much as a word to me. We always talk about everything. We’re always on the same level.”

“Equals,” you remembered the conversation you’d shared with Dean in you cell a week ago.

His fingers lifted to brush against your cheek as his eyes wandered all over you face, lingering longer on your lips. “Exactly.”

“It’s just a theory.”

“True.” He nodded. “But you need an Alpha. You need stability. Dean isn’t going to calm down until everything else settles. He’s not going to be the guy you need. Not like this.”

“I feel like you’re trying to convince me…”

“Not for anything malicious,” he assured you. “I don’t want you because you’re an Omega. I couldn’t care less about the reputation all that would bring. I want you because I like you.”

“You don’t know me.”

“I like what I’ve seen so far. And you like what you’ve seen,” he noted without some much as a hint of smugness in his tone.

Not realising what you’re doing, you nodded. “I do.”

He leaned in a little more then, watching you carefully, waiting for you to pull back. But your admission had you frozen on the spot, wondering why you were bothering to fight him. Why were you trying to fight your own attraction and instincts? There was something inside you that was drawn to Sam. It had always been drawn to Sam. Dean was a part of you, you cared for him more deeply than you’d cared for anyone, you felt that same connection with him as you did with his brother. But Dean wasn’t here and you needed contact. You needed an Alpha.

When Sam’s lips brushed against yours in a breath of a kiss you were lost.

A flutter of emotions clouded your thoughts, and all you could feel was the press of his lips to yours as he deepened the kiss, drowning you and your senses in him. It was a relief, as if this had always been right. As he cupped your face and held you against him as his kisses turned bruising… you knew there was no turning back.

Pulling back, he leaned in once more to press a gentler kiss to the corner of your lips before he moved until his hazel eyes met your own gaze. There was a simmering heat there, but it wasn’t overbearing or controlling. It was a background glimmer against the relief and hope that really shined.

“Let me talk to my brother.”

“He’ll kill you.”

“I’d rather die than live with a brother that hates me. I’d rather die than live knowing I can never have you the way he does. This feels right. You can’t deny that.”

“No.” You shook your head. “I can’t.”

Lips turning up into a smile that bordered a grin, he leaned in once more to catch your lips in a kiss that lingered a little longer than necessary. Then he was pulling back and shifting to his feet before he stood before you.

“I’ll go talk to him. Figure this all out. You should… you should go-”

You gave him a short nod. “I’ll be in my cell. You just come find me. If you don’t… Dean will.”

“If I don’t, it didn’t go down well.”

“Just don’t get dead.”

He chuckled lightly. “Promise.”

Then, without another word, he turned on his heels and left. You waited a moment longer before pulling yourself up and starting for your cell, hoping that whoever came to find you would be a bearer of good news and not bad.

If someone had told you just a few months ago that you would be locked away in a maximum security prison filled to the brim with Alphas, that you’d be claimed by one and sneaking kisses with another… you would have thought that were insane. But here you were, looking up at Sam with the same relief, because while Dean felt right, he didn’t feel complete.

Maybe there was some truth to that Pack Claim theory…

Bamby

[elizabethrobertajones]

If you feel like it, I'd be interested in your opinion.... personally I'm getting really tired and hopeless about the way Dean gets angry, blaming and aggressive towards Cas and Sam.... yes, he's worried, he feels abandoned or betrayed - but I feel like I've been making excuses for him for so long.... IDK if it's out of character, it seems so so different from past characterization, where I feel it was more understanding and came with more sweetness and care.... am I wrong?

Answering this properly would probably take an entire walk through Dean’s life history, along with rewatching everything just to form an opinion… Bearing in mind you’re asking someone who would still default to being a Dean girl if I had to pick, even though I think those categories are monstrously unfair to my TFW-loving heart :P

I do think each successive trauma Dean’s had since season 2 has each time made him more depressed, angry and withdrawn, which is the root cause of all this (as usual, start with blaming John when discussing Dean’s personality defects :P) 

He also is usually right about things and has a moral high ground even when the show is making him a demon, so that can’t help :P He’s positioned as the emotional POV and moral centre of the story, and as Mittens keeps calling him, a human lie detector, and that puts him in a LOT of situations where he has to protect his family, or their lies and betrayal and losses all are about his reaction. 

(It’s this that makes me think he has a lawful good D&D alignment, mostly because these are extremely irritating traits in a character if not done right, and clearly irritate people about Dean when he rubs them the wrong way, and like… yeah, it’s a gut feeling about how irritatingly right he is but that’s essentially why. :P)

But yeah, he’s very sympathetic to me without me having to try and these same actions don’t feel that way to me because I’m clinging to Dean and sobbing about how miserable he is, and have been for pretty much my entire adult life >.> Oops. 

I understand though, because it was partially this that made me really fall out of love with him over season 10 (also how gross he was being) and it took a big rewatch intentionally reminding myself of Dean being sweeter that helped ease me back in. I was more concerned about falling back in love with Sam after season 10 though, because Dean not being Mark of Cain Dean was all I needed to like him again. And in season 11, that also was true - without the Mark I found that he was much easier to get on with emotionally, and I was thankfully ready to like him again after watching a great deal of the show over again to remind myself. 

I think he has changed though since then, and in many ways positively, but also he has in a weird way developed ahead of Sam and Cas in positive development but since he hasn’t in other ways, he’s getting narky with them from his IMPROVED moral high ground and they’re not meeting his standards of new character growth and he’s not like, perfect, so he gets snappy with them. :P 

The show ALWAYS give him a moral high ground though - even when he was demon!Dean. In this episode’s case, Cas is gonna steal the Colt and IS acting shifty, and in a way it’s totally Dean’s right to call him out if he knew this, but he just has a gut feeling something’s shifty and is pre-angry about what he’s angry about later in the episode, so he seems not to change, in a way, being angry about Cas for one thing then the other, but really he’s been angry about the same thing all episode, only getting more clarity on WHY and what Cas did later. 

I’m not saying he was right to act the way he did, especially on making Cas feel unwelcome immediately (it reminded me of him lashing out in 8x22 and that really hurts my heart as it was coming from the same place but now 4 years ago - Cas made off with the angel tablet to protect Dean in the abstract (and protect the tablet from Dean because again he was being kind of controlled by it in a way where it messed with his basic programming), instead of sticking with him and them risking all the trouble together as a team)… but between his worry and his suspicion, he tried to call Cas out about it because - and he knows he does this but I guess can’t help himself in the moment - he reverts to anger when he’s worried, and Cas is really really worrying him. Explaining he does it but then carries on doing it doesn’t mean he CAN all the time and ideally he’d try and talk it out before storming off or lashing out, but this is where we are >.> 

But yeah, he does this same thing way back… I can’t think of smaller examples though there’s bound to be some because right from the start he and Sam grated on each other but Dean’s secret in season 1 was he was just so scared for his family and wanted to put it all back together and not be alone and to protect them all - that’s the darkest thing Dean discovers in season 1, how much he’d do to protect his family. So this is still playing off a core trait that was Dean’s darkness in season ONE. But in practice back then that looks like constantly pissing Sam off to the verge of leaving to find John on his own half the time :P 

In 4x04 Dean has a chance for a huge sanctimonious narrative-will-prove-him-right argument with Sam at the start when he finds out he’s still been working with Ruby… He really lets Sam have it but he IS right and his approach really didn’t help anything especially as Ruby WANTED a rift between them, and Dean digs himself a great big hole over, like, everything… Same could be said for Cas, once he’s in the family bracket for sure, with 6x20 and everything Dean says there, especially as Cas going to Dean doesn’t actually seem like it could have helped all that much in averting Apocalypse 2.0 except for dying in the moral high ground together as family, so, yay :P In 4x21 Dean also says he’d rather Sam dies human and is technically right, with the narrative again, that Sam shouldn’t have been drinking more demon blood, or that they should use him as a weapon for the greater good, or let him go kill Lilith, since what seems like the ideal end goal is just how Lucifer gets free and causes even greater evil. (He also yells at and hits Cas in 4x22 but idk if Dean is even sure they’re friends yet until 5x01 when he definitely calls Cas his friend, although of course it IS the same type of argument where Dean is right, knows he’s being lied to and manipulated, and is pissed off and terrified.)

So anyway in show terms it’s old as dirt (aka anything that happened in Kripke era) and Dean’s always been angry-concerned and it’s so much a part of his character it doesn’t bother me in a way, even if I think he should change long term and not yell at and upset his family like that, it doesn’t upset or grind me down. 

I can see how season 10 could break you on that point though because it NEARLY did me, and kind of did for a little while (like… a couple of weeks. Which is a very long time to not like Dean in my personal timeline :P) - these days Dean is comparatively happier and in a better place than he was in season 10 and so every day he’s not Mark of Cain Dean is a little victory to me, and his behaviour and treatment of his family is accordingly more balanced and mature than it obviously would have been then, but I also think he has been working hard on trying to talk things out and addressing feelings. 

So in 12x19 he yells at Cas in one scene, but when Cas comes to talk to him again, Dean is open and calmer. He only gets angry again later when Cas betrays his trust, and I think that would be in part BECAUSE he opened up so much to Cas so it’s not just a general trust, it was a “I thought we were working on things and communicating better” trust of the immediate conversation he’d just had with Cas. I think he HAS been more well-rounded with emotional stuff and trying to get it right and not fuck up like he has in the past since season 11, and he genuinely had character development over that season that’s been very obviously applied THIS season. But he’s not magically become someone else other than Dean, and this is a core reaction for him and a core character trait when WRITING him, so it’s going to be a slow process to demolish it even though he’s addressed back in 12x10 that he does it and he knows it can be harsh, especially when he only really means to show his concern. 

I definitely don’t think it’s a thing to be hopeless about, especially when the story called Dean out for doing it - it’s called him out a few times over stuff, like in 11x23 making him say he put Sam and his own troubles ahead of everything including Cas, as well as 12x10 and apologising to Cas that he is too harsh because he’s concerned, not angry. Having Dean express these things out loud is not just Dean running his mouth, it’s dialogue that’s put in for the reason of SHOWING they know he has character flaws, and Dean genuinely has been trying to be aware he does it and to make up for it when he does. He can’t say, this time, that he forgot about Cas, because rather than wait for the ominous news, like it took until “Dean, that’s not Cas!!” for him to express more than passing concern, as soon as Cas stops picking up, Dean starts bombarding his phone and searching to see if he turned up dead in a ditch. He even got concerned and annoyed when Cas was working with Crowley at the start of the season and was keeping a grumpy eye on that scenario. He knew something was up before it even was this episode, and he might not have approached it well because he’s working on “concerned not angry”, but forgetting Cas is something he never wants to do again and the wake up call about it with Casifer has clearly had a profound effect on how he behaves about Cas - again it might seem like he’s being over-concerned and it might even be controlling behaviour but the narrative is determined to prove him right, and he has a strong basis for his gut feeling, because his gut feeling is very very accurate in many cases. 

But it has been 12 years and change is slow, so I can see why and understand it might not feel like enough, or that he’s getting worse… I don’t think you’d be wrong for thinking it, even if I don’t see it that way, because it’s so subtle and usually only shows up as positive development BY showing us the negative side of his behaviour so seeming to reinforce that it’s still there while we’re waiting for the change, and if you start to feel like you’re apologising rather than seeing those excuses as explanations for change, because it keeps on coming without seeming to change to you… It’s just a viewpoint and interpretation and  especially while we don’t have any big pay off, all it really is is that I have a more positive interpretation that’s making me much happier about where Dean is and how the show’s treating him that makes me really chill to see him angry at his family.

I think the point is that it feels to me at the moment that it IS in focus and they’re addressing it, we get MORE scenarios where this sort of thing happens because Dean is being tested on his character development over and over again - like how he had to deal with consecutive discoveries in only a few episodes of Mary and Sam and Cas working with the BMoL and then Heaven. Did he handle them perfectly? No, but he showed his development in different ways each time by expressing how he feels, or trying to go along with things instead of falling out, or to try and bridge gaps after falling out, and it shows each time that Dean is a work in progress and they’re slowly affecting him and helping him to grow as a person. But it means lots of scenes where Dean is pissy with the people around him, and falling into the traits the show feels like addressing, which is maybe why you’re now seeing them a lot and getting upset by it and thinking he’s never changed. They might not HAVE a moment where anyone ever points out he’s actually changed, and it becomes something that’s changed in him by omission that we don’t see it again after a while, and we have to remember he used to be this way.

I feel like a lot of his change, at least escalating to the Mark of Cain stuff, has been for the worse (as in, like I said, making him more and more depressed and angry and withdrawn), season 5 aside (season 5 fixed him and Sam somewhat before they unravelled the sweater again for another take at it all :P) and only in season 11 does he start getting positive character development, so we’re also in the middle of Dean’s positive change, and the show has all the time in the world, with a season 13 waiting and all these promises of it ends when we want it to end, that they don’t have to rush it, frustrating as that may be while WE wait for pay off on any of these long character arcs.

As an example of a finished one, though, Sam also has had lasting character development that had a profound change on the way he reacts/is written between season 5-7, and part of why he’s now more of a peaceful mediator in these things (although tending towards being too passive sometimes, and obviously has a lot of work he still needs doing especially as he still knee-jerk over-corrects and bottles things up) but in season 7 he really genuinely seemed to have grown and become more zen and peaceful with himself, and loses a LOT of his anger and over-confidence (… to the point of lack of confidence, which is where season 8 onwards escalated it >.>) which is a process he’s been on since season 5 but becomes more and more obvious through that chunk of the show, until Carver era starts messing with him badly, in a way where he also accumulates more trauma and changes his behaviour notably and over an extended period of time with lasting effects away from that and into seriously messing him up - but from a baseline of the zen Sam who emerged in season 5, not the angry Sam from season 1-4. 

We see them on screen so much sometimes you need a rewatch and to watch them evolve as if you hit the fast forward button on their lives, because going a season at a time and not looking back, it’s hard to keep a picture of how they were and how they’ve changed in our minds, especially when some behavioural changes are quite organic or not called out until they’re a long way down the line… It takes the start of season 7 to change and grow before Dean and Bobby start giving him “who are you and what have you done with Sam” faces as they realise, and tbh I only really noticed that after a rewatch where I already knew Dean and Bobby had called it out in the middle of season 7, to really appreciate this arc where Sam changes in season 5, 6 and 7…

… I think that is about as concise as I can get my very lengthy opinion, having deleted large tangents which probably were 3 times the length of this, all added up XD