#like damn i dont know. i feel like im sitting in my therapists office and shes telling me i dont have to do everything people tell me to

[southislandwren]

am i crazy for being a little pissed off at my friend. she asked me to come water her plants while she's out of town for a week. she lives with TWO other people and i live 15 minutes away in a different fucking town, and i work another 15 minutes in the opposite direction (hint: it is extraordinarily out of my way and a pain in the ass to water her plants). Also they're plants?? 1 week without water isn't going to kill them???? just water them heavily right before leaving and again as soon as you get back. argh im just feeling like a piece of meat thats available to her to use for any stupid purpose

[b-b-8]

a list of reylo wips i am tearing my hair otu over

i will come back to update this. probably

why the mockingbird broke (100% complete) - aka delinquent farmstay au. late teens reylo, ben is our resident casual emo delinquent who is being sent to stay on skywalker ranch for a few months as a rehabilitation effort. rey is our plucky farmgirl who lives with uncle luke, tired farmer. i love this because it is almost cottagecore vibes but its more southern/country at heart. lots of bullshit about working in the sun and simple things. rey is very nice and ben has absoltuely no idea how to handle it, he's a wet cat

passenger princess (5% complete) - this is an idea i am Passionate about but have no idea how to execute. all i know is i want some ddlg bullshit and kylo rides a god damn motorcycle. trying to make rey soft but not too soft is kind of a challenge because she's very rough around the edges/hardened by life 2 me. UPDATE: i have not touched this yet i need to do more research, wordcount is 1.5k and probably needs to be rewritten entirely LOL

something borrowed (100% complete) - probably the next thing im posting!! this is a weird one, it's a bride!rey x bridal stylist!kylo modern au where rey is very controlled by plutt and in an arranged marriage to poe, who she mutually has no feelings for. during one of her dress try-ons she meets kylo and he kind of upturns her entire life by existing lol. i think the plot is possibly a huge mess but w/e nobodys paying me for this shit. i need a beta T_T PERFECT AND COMPLETE AND POSTED THANK U KAYLEEEEEEE <33333

t3h 0ff1c3 xD (70% complete? working title rofl) - ok this one is definitely a mess. this is a fake dating/CEO/office romance where benny boy needs to get out of the eligible bachelor auction at the annual company gala and having a fake gf is obv the best way to get that done. enter: new IT girl rey. yes this is contrived yes we are running with it. it was originally A/B/O so dont even come at me UPDATE: ok we are at 19k and still kicking so i'm leaving it at 70% complete.

bloodwork (20% complete) - a repurposed AoT fic :O) we have anesthesiologist rey who is told about a difficult patient. difficult patient alleges he is a demon and needs to get out of the catholic hospital. rey, against her better judgment, sneaks him out after her cross burns his hand. now she is living wit ha demon and that's great. i have no idea where i'm going with this but they fall in love and that's cool too UPDATE: have barely touched this, it's sitting at 8k remarkably

libertine (20% complete idk) - repurposed h******** fic ROFL. rey is a new therapist in a new town in a new apartment with a new neighbor who is very hot and keeps showing up in her dreams. this is an AU where kylo is an incubus and they fall in love too :-) UPDATE: wordcount is 5k and needs to be rewritten bc rey still sounds too much like **** hahahahhahaha

turpentine (20% complete????? do you see where im going with this???) - moar repurposed fic!!!!! idk if this one is going to see the light of day, it's kind of messy. basically artist!ben is in desperate need of a model/muse before a deadline and he sees rey on the street and offers her an obscene amount of money. cue nude modeling and all that bullshit <3 UPDATE: i reread this and hate it and idk what im gonna do. might rewrite the whole thing. wordcount is 4k

dog-gone it (20% complete.) - werewolf au this one is probably getting scrapped too bc i don't like where im going with it. ben ends up trapped in his wolfdog form. rey ends up adopting a scary dog from the pound. hilarity ensues. i just wanted to write werewolf sex UPDATE: i wrote a little bit of this and hate it again. wordcount is 4k

propinquity (70% complete?) - OK HERE IS ONE I AM AMPED ABOUT. i am currently really into this one. omegaverse, starts with them trapped in an elevator and rey inadvertently being sent into heat. they resist the pull of it and lose each other when they get out, but they don't stop thinking about each other for months. turns out it's a small fucking world and they find each other again, and just a bunch of really cute awkward dating shit ensues bc ben is bad at feelings and rey is too. UPDATE: i am CHURNING this one out for no good reason at all??? its at fucking 39k LOLLLLLL!!!!!

tantric (100% complete) - WEDDING NIGHT SEQUEL TO THE PIANO IS NOT FIREWOOD YET THAT IS ALLLLLLLL <3 <3 <3 wordcount is 8.4k

something borrowed smut one shot which is untitled (5% complete and by that i mean it was vaguely planned out lmfao)

thank you for coming to my ted talk. pls feel free to talk at me about any of this it rly helps u_u

[sovengarde]

i hate to vent in public but at this point my notes app is filling up and i have no where else to let this out

i really fucking hate being mentally ill. i fucking hate that i blow up at small things and push everyone away. i always fuck everything up, one way or another. everything is always my fault.

my mother has a friend she wants us to stay with but i hate it over there. im trying not to sound like some stoner cali dude but literally the vibe there makes me physically sick. by the time we're leaving, or fuck even before then, im just so drained of any energy it's not even funny. like i cant fall asleep to save my life but as soon as we get home im passed out, provided i didnt do that in the car.

but because the situation at home isnt great either she wanted us to stay with her. and normally i just say no i dont and it never really escalates but when the whole fight that happened last week between my mother and grandfather that denial was fought by her. i told her i didnt want to go into detail and she got upset but i figured it wouldnt be a problem like any other time.

so she leaves for a week to spend some time there and i locked myself in my room for the week. it felt nice to be by myself and not on edge all the time. because being around her is also draining. fuck she even said she had an amazing time. i've been trying to convince her to go back next week lol.

i walk on eggshells around my own mother. anytime she does anything remotely wrong i have to just sit and take it, because god forbid i bring up any concern to her. she shuts down and then a few hours later im being guilt tripped into apologizing. lather rinse repeat for the 19 years ive been alive.

honestly i wouldve rather have been raised like she was and not allowed to talk about anything at all. rather than her telling me i can talk about anything and when i actually do she throws it back into my face and blows up at me.

i have so many vivid memories of her losing her shit over things ive said. like the time i first came out and she screamed at me that i wasnt transgender bc i didnt fit the fuckin description of the 2 episodes of i am jazz she watched.

or when i told her about my suicidal thoughts and i had to coax her into the driveway bc she was standing in the street saying stuff like "well i should just let a car run me over!"

oh and then the time where she was screaming though the walls of my bedroom that "you should just get emancipated! how about you just fucking leave!" i used to have a fuckin recording of that but when my fb got closed i lost it.

just recently with my new psychiatrist i told her about the bpd diagnosis, side note i fuckin knew i had it since 10th grade, her gut reaction was "yea well i have all kinds of cancer! sorry go on" she fuckin """""""apologized"""""" after that. that literally told me her actual thoughts on my mental health, and that either she doesnt believe me or just doesnt fucking care

and then if i bring it up and she gaslights me telling me that shed never say anything like that. listen idk if you know this but traumatic events kinda stick in your brain for your entire life. i can hear her screaming at me when i think about these times, i can almost see it, it's like im actually there again.

but of course it's always my fault. shes on the phone with my aunt i think talking about "well that plans just not gonna happen." so blatantly in front of me. sitting in the bathroom of her office building damn near nauseous from the stress and then were gonna go home and shes either gonna keep being angry or try and act like itll never happen.

shit like this is why im constantly high now. because at least she'll leave me alone when im high. honestly with how things are going my racist, transphobic, and man baby grandfather starts to look less horrible compared to her. because at least he wont fuckin allow me to let my guard down and then spit in my face.

im so fucming exhausted, im quite literally at my wits end. ive only been in such a deep depression in highschool and i tried to game end myself. literally what the fuck am i supposed to do. i only have like 1 friend i can talk to and i hate putting shit on her, shes got enough on her plate as is. i dont have a therapist anymore. my psychiatrist doesnt like to talk about what's going on bc hes afraid of weed and only schedules meetings that are 30 minutes long.

worst part is i cant fuckin cry. i wanna let these emotions out but after years of pushing them down my """""""normal""""""" is unbareable numbness. i dont feel anything whatsoever. i react inappropriately in most situations. im just in a constant detached state, when i finally see through my own thick shit im terrified of who ive become, that is if i can even recognize my own face.

but from a very early age it was beaten into me that showing weakness to anyone will get me hurt so i stopped. moms even commented that i dont react in normal ways. shes told me she doesnt believe i have panic attacks as often as i do because im not outwardly freaking out. firstly theres multiple kinds of panic attacks. secondly everytime im shaking and suffocating i get yelled at. told im making too big a deal out of what's going on and that i need to stop. so i fuckin suppressed it.

but of course it's all my fault for being actually unable to regulate my fucking emotions and for being so distant and unstable all the time. it’s funny when im not making up my own problems actual issues destroy me. idk man im just. im really tired. 

[shijiujun]

history3 ep 19 summary - GEMS, GEMS AND MORE GEMS, EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED

ALRIGHT! Summary today! You guys already know all the important gems of the story because I’ve been fucking yelling all night I apologise sincerely for the spam guys I truly do I know how annoying it can be but I’m so excited!!!!

We start off with TY already in fucking handcuffs and Zhao Zi standing there all hovering against the wall, and TY is obviously regretful as hell and so remorseful and also once again catatonic because his SF is in the hospital again because of him, and this time DIRECTLY BECAUSE OF HIM - although i’m super curious, in between everything when did TY have time to call zz? you know?!!! and zz turns up and he’s like OHHHH FUCKKKK and: “okay guys, one of you take ah zhi, and hi tang yi, sorry gotta handcuff ya, oops”

OMG MY HANDSOME DR JIANG IS BACK!!! he’s such a sassy little bitch i love it so much!! anw he comes out and his face is like ‘guys can’t you just give me a fucking break’ and then zz takes one good look and goes: “i’ll leave you both to talk”

dr jiang says: “you look worse than the guy who was actually shot, in there” and then sits down next to TY

ty asks how he is and LMAO dr jiang is all like: “how else can he be?! he’s awake and asking for HIS MAN (like literally, dr jiang said HIS MAN) and lol i just died (more gems from dr jiang: i think that police officer, his brain is sick, only then he’ll actually want to be with you) - anw basically dr jiang is telling TY that with TY being so adamant on revenge, it’s only SF that’s willing to be with him, and if TY continues to be like this, the only person who’ll get hurt is SF

AND DR JIANG STANDS UP TO TAKE A CALL AND HE IS FACE TIMING THE BROTHER OF THE EX-WIFE FROM RIGHT OR WRONG?!! CUTE AS HELL - IS THIS A HINT? I LOVE CROSS OVERS

then TY goes inside the room and that’s when he hears the beeping - the emergency patient beep? and that’s when we see TY scrambling over like a little chick in panic because he’s afraid SF is dead, and then he’s just shaking SF and SF is not responsive at all?! and then poor TY is about to do CPR (although yea TY babe maybe you might have wanted to call dr jiang or smth?!!!!) and that’s when shao fei goes: “if you worry about me, then don’t let me die”

FIRSTLY - SHITTY JOKE BECAUSE TY WAS ABOUT TO CRY HE WAS SNIFFLING ALR SHAO FEI!!!

SECONDLY - TY YOU SHOT HIM, SO OKAY, FINE, SF IS ENTITLED TO A JOKE OR TWO

omg it’s so tender and sweet the way SF grabs TY to sit down and then leaning his cheek against his shoulder and trying to convince ty that killing ah zhi is a bad idea you know?

and then ty stands up, walks away dramatically, and then promises sf that he’ll hand He hand and ah zhi over to the police

AND THAT’S WHY SF IS SO TOUCHED AND THEN HE JUST MOVES FOR THE KISS BECAUSE HE IS SO THANKFUL AND HE LOVES TY

and then OMFUCKINGGOD - HANDCUFFS + KISS IS A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN I LOVE THE WAY HE JUST, HE JUST-

TY LITERALLY JUST BROUGHT HIM CLOSER

SEXY!!!! YOU GO TANG YI

and then if you’ve seen my gifs alr, zz cockblocks them and turns up and goes: “i gotta take him”

ahahahah and then cue to emo team 3 scene and I FEEL YOU YU QI I FEEL YOU she’s like a metaphor for the fandom right now: anw zhao zi, jun wei and yu qi are there and they’re all drinking and yu qi is literally just sobbing about how the team is only left with them, and zz and yq are angry at chief and ah zhi for being corrupt basically

zz drinks and drinks (jun wei, responsible member of the party), and then he is a bit tipsy and walks home, and then he comes to this stairs area where jack is waiting (JACK DO YOU GOT SOME GPS ON ZZ?!) and jack looks at him carefully and goes: “you’ve been drinking? you’re not happy?”

poor zz is all: “of course not! i’m happy. i found out that when ppl have motives, they actually have another face, a facade - just based on this, i should celebrate, no?” /CUE MY HEART BREAKING

so zz is saying that he became a policemen because he wanted to do good things, to protect people, but look at chief and ah zhi?! 

and then they kinda sit down on the stairs, and jack says: “i’m here to tell you that i have to go” and then that’s when zz says all those words that we heard in the trailer? (so i think they overlayed this angsty dialogue with the footage from tmr where zz shrugs off jack’s hand on him as they go home)

and zz is all why do you all have to go? everyone is leaving me - grandma, chief, ah zhi, and now you? and then he’s totally tearing up and OMG MY SMOL BEAN?!!!! - yeah he’s all that and then jack asks: “if you tell me not to go, i’ll stay for you”

OMGAHHH?!!!

so zz says: “don’t go”

AND THEN THEY KISS?!!!! AND THEN THEY KISS AND HUG AND CARESS AND WE END OFF THE SCENE WITH ZZ curling up against jack’s shoulder I LOVE IT!!!!

next scene is police chief - okay can i pls say that, for someone who’s actually a criminal albeit treated with some leniency because he owned up to his crimes, THAT IS A FUCKING NICE PRISONER’S ROOM?!!! like wow, taiwan police system, amazing

anw shao fei turns up IN THE FUCKING DAPPER SUIT?!!! altho i would prefer him in a single coloured suit, he should leave those lines and patterns to TY, also WHERE IS MY TY DROOLING OVER SF IN A SUIT SCENE?!! WHERE?! WHY DID U ROB ME OF THAT?!!!!

also that bow tie is damn fucking big is it just me

anw so xiao ya got married, and SF took a long video for chief to see, and chief is crying and everything (okay srsly if i knew my dad was a criminal and everything and was about to see jail time i would have cancelled the wedding because NOOOO DAD!!! but that’s just me) - also xiao ya and shao fei sibling-ish moments?!!! WHERE ARE THESE?!

anw sf and chief have a heart to heart talk, and that’s when chief says: “ah fei, actually, i hated you.”

CUE SF’S DISTRAUGHT FACE>?!!!!

and chief explains that it’s because he was so persistent, when everyone had dropped it he insisted on going after tang yi and then shao fei says: “but lao da, you didn’t stop me either”

lao da: “yeah, i didn’t”

sf: “and that’s because, even though you chose to be a father to xiao ya with your decision, you didn’t give up being a policeman, even with what you did. that’s why you didn’t stop me”

and awwww chief cries and sf sits next to him and they just comfort each other I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT!!!

(although guys, srsly, what is with this long time skips? what’s going on? what day is it? what time is it?!!!)

next scene back at the police station, the rest of team 3 are clearing up ah zhi and chief’s stuff, and they all look miserable as fuck, and then GOOD AND SUPPORTIVE GIRL YU QI asks sf about how tang yi is, and here we find out tang yi is under house arrest pending the investigation results. yu qi asks, what if he goes to jail?

sf looks so sad at that but he says: “i’ll wait for him”

and then zz runs in and asks everyone if they’ve heard of the new hire, for the captain position? AND ISTG I THINK THIS MAY BE JACK?!!!!

next scene, our boy sf is meeting up upstanding citizen, recently turned dad CWH, and wow the sunlight on them, the lack of a shady setting and hair all styled nicely does a lot of things for a person HAHAHAHAHA - SF carefully calls him ‘uncle’ and then they talk about li zhen, and CWH has only praise for SF, that when everyone had written LZ off as a dirty cop only sf was clearing her name - THE IN LAW IS IMPRESSED GUYS!!! and then they get to talking about tang yi, and CWH is all self-pitying and dejected: “i just found my son but... i guess he and i, we can’t ever have a proper father and son relationship, can we?”

AWWWWW and this is when THERAPIST!SHAOFEI comes in, istg he’s been comforting everyone and solving everyone’s problems, amazing - he says something along the lines of: “ty needs a lot of love, so don’t give up”

and just from that line alone cwh knows that: “so you... and ty... are..?”

AHAHAHAHAHA IM DYING - and then SF gets all determined and says: “yeah we’re together”

cwh: LAUGHS “i’ve got no place to say anything, thank you for being by his side” - WOOHOOOOO CWH APPROVES OF HIS DAUGHTER-IN-LAW AMAZING

and then they fucking hug

oh god, this is one of the best hugs of the damn show

i swear to god, the best hug goes to cwh-sf, can you frickin imagine?!!!!! the tight, comforting hug?!!! do you know that?! that’s all i ever wanted from my CPs?!!!! but no we get it between father in law and son in law WHY!!! i mean it was really great i loved it but GOOD HUGS ARE SOMETIMES BETTER THAN SEX

BACK TO OMELETTE SCENE - so obviously even tho ty is under house arrest, sf has free pass to go in and out of the house, and they’re so sweet with one another

ty: “why did you go and bother with that old man?!”

and sf is all trying to mend the relationship between them, to remind ty that it’s okay to take ur time, but you’ve got a second chance (or third, actually), so you may regret it if you miss this opp. - and tang yi considers this, then changes the subject over food AS ALWAYS

the “I LOVE YOU” part comes up (pls see gifs) - and they’re all so sweet with each other?!!!! and just as sf is about to go in for more, ty is like “hey, don’t mess around, we gotta do our omelettes first” AND SHAO FEI HONESTLY JUST POUTS!!!! I FEEL YA SF 

and okay is it just me or do the omelettes look not so nice - the right side one especially AAHAHAHAHAHA and they banter over putting the ‘dead face’ on the omelette and sf is all: “i’ve taught you so many times!!! there must be a smile!!! why did you put that?!!” AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

and then we get the next scene, OKAY SO THIS IS THE PART WHERE I WAS LIKE WTF WRITERS DID U GUYS REALLY GO THERE?!!!

FIRSTLY, THEY BLURRED THE COMIC ZZ IS READING ON HIS BED 

SECONDLY, HIS HAND ACTION? ARE U KIDDING ME?

SO HE’S BASICALLY READING WEIRD STUFF AND LIKE jerking himself off?!!!!!!!! like okay writers, we could have done without this scene, srsly, i mean either you do it entirely OR YOU DONT - IN THIS CASE I PREFERRED - DON’T!!!!!

EDIT: OKAY SO HE WASN’T - went back to look at the shot after and yes i was blind - but they really were setting it up for that!!! come on so suggestive that under blanket hand movement?!!!! i’m glad it wasn’t but OMG MY EYES for a moment i wanted to die but our zz is pure and he wasn’t touching anything weird sorry guys bad eyesight

then jack turns up at his house with a bag (that LOOKS DAMN LIGHT?! JACK WTF WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES DID U TURN UP WITH AN EMPTY BAG?!) 

so jack basically moves himself in - amazing

OHANA GUYS OHANA MEANS NO ONE GETS LEFT BEHIND!!!!

and they kiss, and jack bend zz backwards on the table (hygiene, but then again, jack will clean up anyway)

QUESTIONS:

would have love to find out more about LZ and TGD and wtf was going on properly - it’s hinted at but LOOPHOLES GALORE

ALL THE SCENES I WANTED ARE OUT - WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENIGN TMR?!

omg today was 35 min, and i fricking pray that tmr at least will be 15-20 min LIKE IF U END IT IN 5 MINUTES, we’re all gonna die, then i prefer if we’ve shifted scenes from today to tomorrow

although i have some hope because they’ve got to resolve still, jack and zz, and then ty’s ‘sentence’ if there is, and then grave scene and then the sex scenes if we do get them as promised, idc if we get them or not AS LONG AS WE GET AT LEAST 15-20 MIN WORTH OF CONTENT TOMORROW!!

[we-will-all-be-stories]

weli have like three followers and like i dont actually expect anyone to see this i just want to rant and since i dont really have many friends i dont realy know who to tell. 

my mothers really pissing me off for reasons that honestly i shouldnt have to be dealing with. 

a few weeks ago my parents finally took me to a real psychiatrist, after 2 years of therapy and month in a mental hospital. it was set to be a three hour appointment for an official evaluation and diagnosis of my anxiety and depression and whatever the fuck else is wrong with me (which i dont understand since ive already been diagnosed by two prior therapists, the ER psych ward psychiatrist, and my psychiatrist at the mental hospital i was at, i dont see the need for anouther diagnosis of the same issues). okay, cool, whatever, obviously i’m panicking, not from the actual topic but just talking to someone in general (also my parents never leave the room b/c they think that i’ll just sit there and go non verbal, or as they believe, choose not to talk despite the fact that i have s.a.d. and was selectively mute growing up - i have non verbal episodes, it happens). well, essentially, i actually have no clue what happened in the room b/c after five minutes, the psychiatrist decided that i wasnt useful and i was too anxious to be productive and was sent out of the room. i sat in the waiting room for two hours continuosly calling and texting my mom to let me back on the room while i had a panic attack in the waiting room and slowly fell into a sensory overload from all the noises because the office is in a child pediatrics building and children are fucking loud. after two hours i’m left back into the room where the doctor tells me my diagnosis, my parents pay, and we leave.

i wasnt even present for my own evaluation. i get that he’s trained, but my parents no shit about how i feel, theres no way they can tell him. and furthermore, yeah, i’m anxious, but thats not the only thing i live with, yet its the only thing anyone will offer me help for. 

im used to being sent out of rooms. people dont have enough pacience and ust assume i can control this. i was sent out of the room during my 504 accomadation meeting at school too, you know, the “you’re child tried to kill themself, heres an extra day for classwork hope it helps” meeting. 

but heres the problem now. i have sensory issues to the point that putting on a pair of socks sends me into a panic b.c of the seams - a “bad touch” makes me break down crying - a flickering light burns my eyes - someone coughing feels like someone sceaming in my ear drums. and no matter what i tell my parentsm they dont understand how bad it is. 

apparently they mentioned it to the doctor, whose response was to get me an asd evaluation. okay, sure. its not like my old therapist hadnt been telling my mom to get my evaluated for asd and sesory proccessing dosorder, its not like my father works with psychiatrists who work with autistic kids everyday who has been telling my dad to get me evaluated. 

so finally my mom emailed my school counsler about the evaluation. she said that the school doesnt have the resources to do so. 

okay

i went to my moms office to print out my essay, and she had her email open to my section. (she organizes her email by topic, she has a group of emails under my name). im a bitch and decided to look at the emails. she emailed my school saying that she is “sure i dont have autsim” but that my doctor is making her ask about an evauation. 

the school wrote back saying that refuse to test me because that would require an iep rather than just a 504. the school psychiatrist essentially refuses to test students “simply for a diagnosis” and that my education and grades must be severely impacted by my issues. listen, no one gets a psych evaluation simply for a diagnosis. you literally cannot get the help you need w/out a diagnosis. mental health affects you in all aspects of your life, not just school. so many students cannot go to therapists or psychiatrists and rely on school resources. furthermore, my education is impacted by my issues - how can i get work done when the loud classroom make me want to scream? but the school and my parents dont know this, yet refuse to let me advocate for myself. 

no one wants to have a certain diagnosis, you need it to get help. my psychiatrist has said he is 99% i have asd, however he cannot give me a diagnosis, and my school refuses to test me because i’m “too good a student” and i’m slowly dying. 

also im not a good student. i have an e in math, a d in government, i failed engineering bc the class was so god damn loud and anxiety creating. my education is impaacted.

when it comes down to it, to be honest, so much of this has to do with the stigma regarding mental health in general, and especially regarding autism. people are so scared to have an autsitic kid - i’m 15 years old, if you can love me w/out the diagnosis, you can love me with it. i’m the same kid. My mother grew up with an autistic brother yet she still wouldnt want an autistic child. schools assume that an autistic student cant be functioning without special classes and a helper and a bunch of accomadations - some people need that, others don’t. it doesnt matter b/c everyone is entitled to the resources neccessary to thrive, and everyine should be treated fairly. 

im a kid who grew up non verbal, ive had social skills drilled into my head by therapists bc i apparently “didnt have them”. up until this year i had good grades, i flew under the radar and suffered, and when i finally reach out for help, everyone is refusing it because they think i’ve already gotten enough. 

[patheticfrogarchive]

also i find it Interesting that my mom can sit in some family therapists office and cry and say how shes worried abt me and wants to have a meaningful connection w her daughter and “why dont u talk to me about whats going on i can see ur hurting” and all that bullshit but literally ANY goddamn time i bring up something thats bothering me, something that someone said/did that upset me, something that im worried abuot, etc. etc., she just immediately goes straight to blaming me, making me feel like a stupid piece of shit, and doesnt offer any kind of support. like you can say you care about me all you want, but what the fuck am i supposed to think when you threaten to pull me out of school, the one place where i feel i can be 100% myself and happier with my life, when you tell me to “just get over” the fucking months emotional abuse i went through bc of my roommate, when you twist everything to make it sound like she treated me that way because of something I did and that i deserved it or im just overreacting, when you tell me to just move on from the goddamn suicide of one of my goddamn best friends who meant the whole fucking world to me and expects me to be just fucking fine because its been 9 or whatever months even though i keep begging to go see a therapist to talk about it, to work through it, i still have fucking panic attacks about what happened, i still have fucking panic attacks when my shitty brain reminds me of the fact that i fuckign saw his goddamn dead body lying on the goddamn sidewalk, and i guess thats supposed to be something i can just “move on” from, when you tell me that i verbally abuse you, when you tell me that i ruined my brothers childhood and im the reason hes an absolute asshole and in therapy now, when you insult my hair, my clothes, my whole fucking face even after i beg you to stop pointing out flaws, i know they’re there, i know my hair needs to be fixed, i know i have that spot on my face, stop pointing it out please, when you tell me that my best isn’t enough, when you tell me that im just going to go back to school and annoy the few friends i have left away from me because i have a hard time waking up in the morning even though im trying to get better about waking up, when you tell me that i’ll end up killing my cats because i dont really care about them, when you tell me that i wouldn’t have given a shit if my dad’s cancer hadn’t been caught soon enough and it killed him, when you go on and on about how my social anxiety is apparently ruining my whole life but refuse to give me credit for ANYTHING i do that’s a step in the right direction, I’m part of a fucking committee at my goddamn college thats made up of literally all of the most important faculty/administrators at the whole school, the deans, the vice president, a whole bunch of other fucking important people,  i sat in on a 3+ hour conference meeting and SPOKE, in front of a whole table of super important people, and the entire room listened to what i said, they took it seriously,  I organized and ran a fucking campus-wide event, i would have NOT been able to do that a year ago, hell, half a year ago, but apparently that doesnt count or matter, what i see as a huge fucking improvement and achievement doesnt matter, i say i don’t want to order a fucking pizza over the phone and apparently im non-functioning. 

like part of me feels bad you know, idk what to do when people cry and i just naturally feel bad, like “oh damn maybe she DOES care”, but the second we get home its back to fucking screaming at me and blaming me for everything and criticizing my every single breath and i can’t fucking do it

fuck whatever this therapist lady says, just cause you’re family doesn’t mean you’re fucking obligated to be all lovey and emotional and all that shit. i dont give a quarter of a fuck if i “look just like my mom” or any of that shit, just cause she shoved me into fucking existence doesnt mean i have to sit here and tolerate any of her goddamn gaslighting manipulative awful bullshit. she can cry about how much she cares all she wants, until she starts fucking acting like it, and actually shows she gives even 1/8th of a shit, i dont fucking care

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After 5 Years Of Relying On Medication, I Can Finally Sleep

Its been a long time since Ive written anything. And while my intentions were to blog every fortnight, this post has been extremely tough to write. For once I found it quite difficult to articulate my feelings and experiences, because of the personal nature of what I’m about to tell you.

A few weeks ago, I found myself chatting to one of my new friends, who is also an amazing business coach and mentor. He asked me how things were going aside from business, how are you feeling, just in general?. I thought about it and said, did you know, this is the first time in five years that Ive been able to sleep without taking a pill?

Insomnia has been affecting my ability to sleep properly since late 2010. It was kicked off by a freak hockey ball to the head incident, which then transpired into mental health problems (thanks, brain). Around 1 in 3 people have or have had some degree of insomnia in their lives. For an unlucky few (like me) insomnia is/was chronic. If youre one of them and are reading this, know that its okay, there IS a way out.

Back in 2010 I got a wild smack to the forehead from a fast flying hockey ball, I was briefly knocked out and I opened my eyes not even realizing what had happened, but bizarrely, I was laughing! It wasnt until I felt the huge lump on my head that it suddenly hit me (hah, pun intended). Soon after this, I had developed intense trouble sleeping and experienced extreme headaches and photophobia.

In my traditional headstrong fashion I refused to go to the doctor, that was a bad decision. Months later things seemed to be getting worse in my head space. After seeing a bunch of specialists and getting an MRI and all that, it was concluded that I had Post Concussion Syndrome (a minor form of traumatic brain injury).

Because of this, my health took a drastic downward spiral. I was lethargic, had constant headaches, was depressed, irritated, and slightly delusional. The doctors prescribed me dozens of painkillers to cope. I was studying a BMA at the time, and working so I could afford to live out of home and life spun out of my control. The brain does crazy things when it experiences trauma, and for a long long time I was not myself.

I was enrolled in a national head injury study. They interviewed me about the events and my experiences, then they interviewed some of my friends and family. Every six months my reaction time and short-term memory were tested, as well as my mood and general quality of life. It took almost two years for me to get back to normal. I dont know why it was such a long time, perhaps some people are more susceptible to these kinds of things. A lot of people in my family battle with mental illnesses. But even when I was feeling better, I still had to rely on medication to sleep.

Luckily for me, my doctors had refused to give me traditional sleeping pills such as Zopiclone, because of their addictive qualities. That was fine by me, I never intended to be stuck taking pills before bed. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt survive without them. At first it was Amitriptyline, a drug in high doses used to treat depression, but I was on it for headaches and as a muscle relaxant.

Sometime after I finished my degree in late 2012, I changed doctors due to not having access to the medical center on campus. My new doctor tried to wean me off taking the medication, I was all in. But it just didnt work. I went back to him after slowly reducing my intake at his guidance and tried a few months without anything. In mid-2013 I had more responsibility with my job which added some stress, and without any pills before bed I was getting between 1 and 5 hours sleep a night. I got sick a lot, gained a lot of weight, my mood was unstable, and I was quickly becoming very unhappy.

So I went back to my doctor, I was attempting to tell him that I still havent been able to sleep but I sat there crying in his office because I was just so exhausted and frustrated. I just wanted sleep. He recommended putting me through a sleep study and to see a sleep therapist, but this wasnt subsidized and I wasnt financially able to pay for such expensive tests (startup wages, am I right?). So, I opted for the easier just for now option. We tried something new, Quetiapine, an antipsychotic drug which in high doses is used to treat people who are bipolar or schizophrenic. I didnt get a large dose, only small enough to help me sleep. But even then I woke up every morning with a drug hangover and it took me hours every day before I could feel completely awake.

I lived like this for a long time, always having to take a pill before bed. Sometimes that didnt even work. I vividly remember how I felt after a huge hike over NZs Tongariro Crossing and then the 2-hour drive home. I was so tired, so exhausted after that I could hardly eat. I was thinking surely, surely I am this tired I must be able to sleep. But then as soon as my head hit the pillow my mind became awake, overactive and as much as I tried, I couldnt settle it down. A few hours later I begrudgingly got up and gulped down that damn pill, desperate for the relief of sleep.

This is when I started researching sleeping techniques. Over the past year and a half I have tried everything; yoga, meditation, walks in the evening, less coffee, less sugar, evening protein, writing down to-do lists and thoughts in a journal beside my bed, sleep tea, calm tea, chamomile tea, peppermint tea, Chinese herbs, sleep drops, lavender under my pillow, hops under my pillow, sleep apps with meditation, hypnosis, screen dimmers, installing Flux on my computer, melatonin, no screens (mobile, TV, Computer) two hours before bed, non-fictional reading before bed, homeopathy just everything.

Sometimes it would help, Id feel sleepy, try to drift off, then all of a sudden my mind would wake, even though Id be so so physically tired. I didnt know it was possible to feel so exhausted and awake at the same time. So I would carry on using my little pills to sleep and feeling hungover in the morning. I hated it, I never truly felt awake in all that time. And if I ever went somewhere and forgot my pills Id always get restless nights with little or no sleep.

A lot of time went past, living like this. After deciding to leave Hamilton to travel, I ended up in Perth, Australia. By the time I got here my little box of magic sleeping pills from New Zealand had run out. I attempted fate once more and tried to cold turkey my way to sleep. It really wasnt working out for me. The smallest noise, a single thought, any slight disturbance would set me off and my mind would begin racing once more. No matter what I did, I just couldnt sleep. There is nothing worse or more hopeless than the feeling of wanting and needing sleep so badly but you just cant get there and you realize your own mind is the only barrier to falling asleep. I remember thinking, how hopeless am I that I cant even perform the simple human function of sleeping?.

The one good thing that came out of these few weeks was my deep inner search for a reason. I didnt feel like my head injury was the cause of not being able to sleep, it just seemed like some sort of instigator. Im not going to share the details, but what I realized was that I had become afraid of sleep, and everything else was just an excuse.

I ended up seeing a wonderful doctor here who prescribed me some medication to sleep again and referred me to a counselor who specialized in sleep therapy. I gladly took the medication and debated whether I was ready for a counselor. I wanted to overcome my insomnia on my own (I had only just started acknowledging that this is really what I had), but sometimes you cant do everything on your own, sometimes you need to accept that you need a bit of a helping hand. And this is what I did.

The first session with my counselor was amazing. She knew what had happened without me having to say much, she said it and I sat there and cried. I cried as years of pent up emotion and holding back just escaped from me and it was so relieving. Her theory was I had developed an unconscious fear of sleeping because I lose control over myself and have to give in to the environment around me. I didnt feel . Of course, I knew logically that I was safe, but there was a deep fear within me that I had never let go of, a blocked memory; trauma. It had nothing to do with my head injury, that was a catalyst, as well as some other events that happened between then and now.

And so started my road to recovery. I went to the counselor once a fortnight. We didnt just talk about sleeping, we talked about a lot and it was really nice. I finally found an app that helped ease me into the sleeping mind-frame, Pzizz. Every morning within half an hour of waking up I get at least an hour of exercise outside. If not, I try to sit in the sun for 20 minutes or be active in some other way. I dont drink coffee after 3pm and limit myself to two a day (on bad days). I dont have much processed sugar, I write to-do lists every day in my diary so I dont lie in bed and think about everything I have to remember to do tomorrow. My bedroom has become an area for sleep every time I watch something on my laptop in bed it affects the amount and quality of sleep I get, so Ive stopped doing that.

Routines are also very important I do the same thing before bed every night. I also try to stick to the same hours, but Im still learning to sleep so I havent been using an alarm, just trying to slowly get back into the right rhythm. Right now I usually fall asleep between 12am, wake up at about 6, then go back to sleep until 9 or 10. Its not the pattern I love, and I still have many days where some nights are better than others, but Im getting there, Im improving and Im not giving up.

My mood has become better, my skin clearer, Im no longer getting sick every few weeks and my focus levels are at an all-time high. I still have a lot of work to do, but for the first time in over four years I can sleep without medication, and it feels so damn good.

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