#like am i happy with it? no. but is there something there to be unhappy with? yes and that's the real win

[furiousgoldfish]

I've noticed the other day how life is fundamentally different when living out of abuse. I had an experience of waking up in the morning, sleepily tapping over to the kitchen in my pajamas, wondering what to make for breakfast, and making a plan for the day. Completely careless and unselfconscious, thinking only about the food and what I wanted to do with my day. It hit me then how impossible every aspect of this would be, had I still been living in the abuse.

If I was still around abusers, my first thought in the morning would not be 'oh I'm so sleepy I'm gonna find something to eat', it would be 'Are they in the house, are they in the room, are they already mad at me'. I would be looking around cautiously, listening for every sound that indicates they're near me. I would be checking the clock to see if their schedule had already put them in their workplace or wherever they go, and then still peering trough the doors anxiously to see if the hallway is clear, if I can get to the kitchen. I'd be checking how I look to see if I'll be reprimanded for being in the pajamas in the common area. I'd change just to avoid the possibility. I'd be checking each item of food and wondering if it's okay to take it, or whether there's a chance I'll get yelled at or blamed for taking it. I'd be analyzing the last words and actions we exchanged to try to predict how close the abuser is from blowing up and possibly attacking me.

The rest of my day would be scheduled around avoiding them, or alternatively, being in the place where they could easily find me, because if I'm not where I'm expected to be, they might get mad. All of my activities could be stopped and prevented at moment's notice if they decided I need to be doing something for them at that moment. I could be yelled at for not doing something for them sooner, for 'making them say it'.

If I wanted to go out, I'd have to consider if this is allowed, and if they'd want me to stay inside for one reason or another. If I am outside, I'd have to worry about what's going to happen to my stuff if I'm not back whenever they're expecting me to be there, or what kind of angry state I'd find them in. It would be safest to notify them of everything I'm doing, but they might immediately call it unnecessary, stupid, offensive or otherwise inconvenient, and force me to drop it and do something for them instead. Secrecy was the only way to do things, but also risky in case some part of it turns out to be not allowed. There were never any clear rules to what is okay, it would change with their moods.

If I could hear the abuser's car parking in the driveway, I would run back inside of my room, as if it was the 'safe area', when it wasn't. It would at least take me out of their view, so they wouldn't immediately think to start at me. But if they wanted to, they could just go inside of my room and charge at me then. I would just delay being the target, putting myself out of immediate sight. Of course this also meant I couldn't leave any trace of doing anything in the home, so it wouldn't be noticeable I just ran away. Everything has to look untouched.

And then when they interacted with me, I had to make sure to not show emotion on my face, to not look overly confident or happy, to not show any fear or anxiety, to not look sad or upset, to not look angry. I had to act normal, or else. I had to try and defend my own actions and interests walking a fine line of 'trying to let them know I'm upset and unhappy about this, without setting them off and causing them to blow up at me for talking back'. And I'd be told off for this too, because 'how could I complain when people have it soo much worse and I am ungrateful for having a roof over my head'. I had to do whatever was asked out of me, and restrain from even expressing it wasn't what I wanted, for the fear of losing the roof over my head.

Unbelievable I just lived like that for many years. And now I can flop in my pajamas to the kitchen, eyes half closed, make a mess, and think of nothing but food and plans for the day, not worrying for a second that someone could target me for any move I make. I still get scared easily, but nobody attacks me anymore. I can take any item of food, for it is all mine. I can decide to go out anytime, come back anytime, no consequences. I decide what is good for me to do, and nobody else gets an input. I can think of my own interests, and disgreard what anyone else in the world could want from me, because I don't exist for their convenience, and I don't have to worry about it anymore. What I lived before feels absolutely intolerable now. Even one second of that is unsurvivable.

[quinn-pop]

just a little doodle. for the soul

[gay-otlc]

Shoutout to aros who are repulsed by romance when it applies to them, and extra shoutout to aros who are repulsed by romance in fiction, and extra extra shoutout to aros who are repulsed by real romance that is separate from them

[antiqua-lugar]

Gale: I've missed them. I've missed this.

2. We still have each other. That's all I ever need.

Gale: I'm not sure I'll ever get over my good fortune in that respect. You are the happiness I never dreamed I could deserve.

Apparently you only get this line if Tara is busy around camp when you talk to Gale. To really hammer home how Gale really wasn't happy even before the Orb and thought he would never deserve *check notes* ...the happiness of someone loving him as a person.

...anyway if you pick option 4, he admits he would like to write down a book on all that happened! Perhaps with some embellishments! Yay!

[britneyshakespeare]

My toxic trait is that I like how my incomplete drawings look better than the finished things

[hecksupremechips]

Time for me to be completely changed as a person! *just watched falsettos*

[nymphrasis]

Ramble

So I have told myself that, once I get Kuruna's blog running, is when I will join a server that was kindly mentioned to me ( One of the Pokeask servers. There was two mentioned to me, but to not overwhelm myself, I'll stick with one for the time being. If I feel comfortable enough to handle more in the future, I will join that one too! I say this because the reason I am not as active in some Discord servers is because I admittedly feel overwhelmed and kind of timid ;;w;;. I am use to managing a small chat here and there. )

Moreso because, in case I see a link to a blog section, I'd like to have that ready on the go without the need to edit the form >w</

I wont deny that I did got hooked into doing more shiny hunts ;;w;;. Legends Arceus shiny sound really does make me feel rewarded and happy hahaaaa

[pohlepen]

likeable vs difficult, tagged by no one! stolen from @e1igius ♡

[h20]

if my abusive ins*nely controlling parent didn’t randomly just show up to our place of residency WHOLE STATES AND MANY HOURS AWAY from where they live with absolutely no warning other than “I had a change of plans, we’re coming up there and you’re coming to breakfast with us” and when I say “that actually doesn’t work for us can we plan something in advance?” I’m met with “no. I’m coming, it’s not a big deal” that would be great if this could fucking end

[cosmojjong]

.

[reneesbooks]

last line tag

tagged by my love @oh-no-another-idea <3 working on the end of salt and brine. no i haven't finished the beginning yet.

Meja sobs once and he wipes the tears off her face. “I—”

“You don't have to explain,” he says. “You don't have to apologize.”

She inhales shakily. “Do you want to hold her?”

He looks down at the baby in her arms. “Desperately.”

leaving another open tag!

[bluenotemagpie]

finished editing my PhD thesis. just have a few more i's to dot and t's to cross with the paperwork, then i can turn it in.

[milo-is-rambling]

I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it

[tuituipupu]

in my head valentine’s day is just my pre birthday because it was my due date 💀💌

[wurm-food]

friends in my phone I am having the nighttime scaries

[kissingwookiees]

oh i see… yeah im not going to make it through the evening without the strong desire to ram my head into a wall repeatedly…