#like all of these tags were here originally

[charmedimsure]

THE NEXT EPISODE || thanos

pairing: Thanos/Choi Su-bong x f!reader

summary: You and Su-bong reunite after his stay at rehab. No debt/no games AU.

word count: 3.2k

warnings: rehab, drinking, drugs, addiction, depression

A/N: i've been working on this for like two weeks and i still feel like i could work on it more. i love this mini series i made and i'm excited to see how other people like it :) if you find any mistakes no you didn't <3

Part 1: Wake Up Call

Today is the big day. The day Su-bong has been working towards for the past six months.

Today he gets out of rehab.

He originally tried to quit on his own, but after multiple relapses, he decided he needed help. Due to his multiple addictions and how long he's been addicted for, the doctors at the facility suggested a longer stay for him, to which he agreed.

Before he left, he gave you the keys to his apartment, putting you in charge of managing the place while he's away. You also promised to get rid of anything in his apartment that could potentially be abused.

Rehab had actually not been bad. It certainly wasn't easy, but Su-bong felt better about it knowing there were so many other people there going through the same thing as him. He had ended up making some really good friends there, friends that he was excited to see again once they all got out. A few of them had made plans to meet up at a coffee house soon, about a week after Su-bong is released.

The thing Su-bong has been looking forward to the most while in rehab is seeing you again. The only visitors that were allowed were family members, so he had to settle for just talking to you on the phone.

"Can I see you soon?" Su-bong asks into the phone.

"I have to work today, but I'm off tomorrow if you want to come by?" you say. "Oh, and I left something for you on your counter."

Su-bong smiles into the phone. "You didn't have to do that."

"Don't get too excited, it's not much," you laugh. "But I just wanted to give you something to congratulate you."

"I'll be happy with anything you give me," he says.

"Cheesy," you groan, making him laugh. A small gasp comes from Su-bong's phone. "Shoot, my boss just texted me I have to go in early. I'm sorry, I gotta go. Text me when you get home, okay?"

"All good," Su-bong says. "Yeah, I'll text you. Let me know when you get to the club and back home safe."

"I will," he can hear the smile in your voice. "I'll see you tomorrow."

<>

Su-bong walks into his apartment. A chill washes over him. It's been so long since he was here, and he's changed so much. He puts his things down, walking into his kitchen.

A feeling of dread fills him. Was six months enough? Is he really able to do this?

A glint catches his eye, and he sees a small chain sitting on his counter. Attached to it is a dog tag. He picks it up, examining it. When he notices a clasp on the side of the dog tag, he opens it, revealing a small note in your handwriting.

'I'm proud of you <3'

A comfortable warmth fills his body as he smiles at your note. He closes the tag, immediately putting the chain around his neck.

He looks around his place. It holds way too many memories of his time before rehab. Waking up with a headache so bad he's worried his head might implode, turning over to see some random girl in his bed who's name he can't remember. That's not how he wants to live anymore.

He takes a water bottle from the fridge, which you must have put in there for him, and sits on his couch, looking up listings for available apartments. Preferably one close to you.

<>

Su-bong feels his heart race as he stands in front of your apartment door. He's been waiting for this moment for six months. With a deep breath, he knocks on the door.

Footsteps are heard from the other side of the door. Something makes a loud bang and he hears you curse, making his lips twitch upwards.

The door opens and there you are. He swears you've only gotten more beautiful since he last saw you.

"Woah, I almost didn't recognize you," you smile.

He smiles, sheepishly scratching the back of his head. He hadn't dyed his hair since before rehab, leaving it at its natural dark brown. "Yeah, I've been getting that a lot."

"I like it," you say. "You look much more like Su-bong."

He feels his face heat up, muttering a shy 'thank you'.

You step to the side, opening the door wider. "Come in! I'll go grab a snack."

Su-bong walks into your apartment, a smile playing on his face at the familiar set up. You move to the kitchen and he sits on your couch. He chuckles at the new blanket laying next to him, clearly having been used recently.

He looks up as you walk back into the room, placing a bowl of pretzels and a bottle of blue Gatorade on the coffee table in front of him. You remembered.

He gestures toward the blanket. "That new?"

You put a pretzel in your mouth and smile at him, nodding enthusiastically. "My mom got it for me. You have to feel it, it's so soft." He chuckles as you cover your mouth with your hand, too excited to tell him about the blanket to wait until you've swallowed your food.

He reaches out to the blanket, eyes widening when his fingers graze the fabric. "Holy shit."

"Right?!" you laugh, picking up the blanket and sitting down. You toss it over both of your legs. You take a moment to study his face. "You look really good, Su-bong."

He feels himself blush, turning away in embarrassment. "Yeah, my pupils are finally the correct size."

You laugh at the comment. "Yes, that. But you also just look much healthier. Much happier."

He nods. "I feel happier. I thought I was happy all those nights at the club, drinking away my life. But now I know that wasn't real happiness." He looks at you, looking deep into your eyes. "This is real happiness."

Now it's your turn to look away, feeling heat rush to your face. "I'm glad. You deserve happiness."

He smiles.

"Even though you once tried to pay me to take off my shirt."

Su-bong cringes, bringing his hand to his face as you laugh. "Can you please stop bringing that up?"

You shake your head. "No way. This is the punishment you get for that. Me making fun of you. I think it's a fair exchange."

He laughs. "Fair enough."

You continue talking for the next hour or so, telling each other about everything and nothing. Su-bong's heart soars every time he is able to make you laugh. He's made music his entire life, but no song could ever compare to the sweet tune of your laughter.

"On Sunday I'm gonna meet up with a few friends from rehab at that new coffee place around the corner," he says. "Do you want to come?"

You shake your head. "Thank you for the invitation but I don't want to intrude."

"You wouldn't be intruding," he assures. "I, uh, talked about you a lot and they really want to meet you."

Your face heats up at his admission, nodding. "In that case, I'd love to go."

He smiles. "Good."

You put on a movie to watch, saying you saw one while he was away and couldn't wait to show it to him. Throughout the movie, Su-bong sneaks glances at you. He's wanted you ever since he first laid his eyes on you. You were the hot bartender with a fiery personality.

Now, though, as he watches you chew your lip in concentration, he sees just how amazing you truly are. You're the beautiful girl who changed his life for the better. The amazing girl who gave him a reason to become a better person. The kind girl who talked on the phone with him every day while he was in rehab.

You're his best friend. And he's deeply in love with you.

<>

Su-bong opens the door to the coffee house, letting you walk inside first before entering as well.

"Hey, Su-bong!" a voice yells, getting his attention. He smiles when he sees his friends, waving at them. He motions for you to follow him as you head over to the table.

"Hey guys," he greets, giving each of them a small hug. It feels nice to see them on the outside. They all accomplished the same thing, and they'll forever be close for doing it together.

He looks to you. "Oh right. This is Jung-su, Shin-il, and Ji-hae."

Each of them wave and smile at you as he says their names. Once he introduces you, they all seem to get a similar look on their faces.

"Oh, so you're the girl he keeps talking about," Shin-il smirks. Su-bong lightly smacks his arm, making the boy laugh.

"Shin-il, be quiet!" Ji-hae rolls her eyes. She turns to you. "He told us about how you helped him get sober. We're glad he had someone so supportive helping him."

You smile. "I just wanted to help any way I could. He's the one who ultimately chose to get help." You smile at him and he feels his heart melt. "And I'm glad he was able to make some great friends in there, from what he's told me."

"Aw, you talked about us?" Jung-su flashes Su-bong with puppy eyes, making the ladder roll his own.

"Plus, now he doesn't call me 'Señorita' anymore, so really I got something out of it too," you say.

The table bursts out in laughter and Su-bong hides his face behind his hands. "Maybe it was a mistake bringing you here, I didn't realize you were all going to gang up on me."

You laugh, rubbing his arm. "I'm just kidding. Come on, let's go get something to drink."

You move to stand but he puts a hand on your shoulder. "I got it. What do you want?"

You tell him your order, thanking him as he walks to the counter.

Ji-hae leans across the table to you. "He really likes you, you know," she smiles. "Talked about you all the time."

You smile. "He's a really great guy. I wish I could've talked to him sooner, maybe he would've gotten help sooner. He's my best friend now."

"You should go out with him," she says. "Based on how he talked about you, he'd treat you right."

You turn to look at Su-bong, smiling as he rocks back and forth on his feet while waiting in line.

"I do like him," you say, turning back to Ji-hae. "I just want to give him some time first. He just got out of rehab, I feel like he should have some time to figure out what he really wants and adjust to sobriety, if that makes sense."

"Totally," Jung-su says, nodding his head. "I've been out two months now and I still feel like this is all new."

"Just please be there for him," Shin-il asks.

You nod. "I'm not going anywhere."

On the other side of the coffee house, while waiting for your drinks, Su-bong feels a hand grasp his shoulder.

"Holy shit man," a familiar voice says behind him. "You dropped off the face of the earth!"

Su-bong turns to see the smiling face of Nam-gyu.

"Where have you been, dude?"

Su-bong opens his mouth to answer but is cut off when Nam-gyu continues.

"You know what, it doesn't matter." He pulls a small bag out of his jacket pocket. "I just got some new shit. It's fucking insane, man. You gotta try it."

He stares at the pills. This is the first time that drugs have been so accessible to him since before rehab. A cold sweat breaks out and his breath gets quicker. It would be so easy. All he'd have to do is pop one little pill.

He turns back to look at the table. You're sitting there, laughing with Jung-su. The sound flows to his ears and a soft smile graces his face. The sweat stops and his breathing goes back to normal.

He doesn't need pills anymore. He has you. And you make him so much happier than pills ever have or ever will.

He turns back to Nam-gyu, straightening his posture. "No, I don't do that stuff anymore."

Nam-gyu gives him a look. "Are you kidding, dude? You can't get this shit anywhere, and you're turning it down? What the fuck happened to you, Thanos?"

"It's Su-bong, actually," he says.

"No more Thanos!? What's going on?"

Su-bong opens his mouth to respond, but is beaten by another voice.

"Nam-gyu, leave him alone, please," you say, putting a hand on Su-bong's shoulder as you step beside him.

Nam-gyu looks between the two of you before a knowing smile spreads on his face.

"Oh, I see," he says. "So this is the guy you've been calling all the time." The barista calls out his name and he takes his cup. "Knew it was only a matter of time before you two got together, I should've bet on it." He turns, walking toward the door. "I'll see you at work!"

You wave to him as he leaves, turning to Su-bong. "Are you okay? He didn't give you anything, did he?"

He shakes his head. "He offered, but I said no. I was expecting him to be a lot less understanding."

"I've been talking to him the past few months at work, turns out he's not bad when he's not constantly sticking his nose up someone else's ass," you say, making Su-bong laugh. His name is called and you take the cups from the barista, thanking them before handing Su-bong's drink to him, taking his hand and leading him back to the table.

"Welcome back, Señorita," Shin-il smirks.

The table bursts out in laughter again and Su-bong stands from the table, waving goodbye to everyone. You grab his wrist before he can get too far, laughing along with him as he sits back down next to you.

<>

It's been about five months since Su-bong got out of rehab. He's been doing very good, resisting every time he feels even the slightest temptation.

He's gotten back into music and is working on his next album, which is going to be the first he's releasing that's not under the name "Thanos", instead rebranding as Choi Su-bong. You're of course his biggest supporter and he plays you all of his songs to get your opinion. You've even helped on a few songs, and he plans on crediting you as a co-writer.

Remembering what you told him nearly a year ago, he surprised you one day with your own guitar, taking the time to teach you how to play. You're still learning, but he loves everything you play, nearly as much as he loves your laugh whenever you play the wrong note.

You've been dancing around each other for the past few months, both aware of your feelings, but liking what you have going on between you for now. As time passes, though, Su-bong can feel himself getting closer to the edge, ready to take the leap.

One day you're both sitting in Su-bong's new apartment when he turns to you.

"Hey," Su-bong says. You look up from your phone at him. "I uh, I want to play something for you, if that's okay."

You smile, locking your phone and putting it face-down on the couch. "Yeah, I'd love that."

He stands up and reaches his hand out towards you. You take it, standing as he leads you to his piano. He sits on the bench, making room for you to sit beside him.

"I actually wrote this for you," he says, shyly looking at you. You smile at him, giving him a nod of encouragement. With a deep breath, he begins playing the notes before singing.

"I text a postcard sent to you Did it go through? Sending all my love to you You are the moonlight of my life every night Giving all my love to you."

You feel your eyes start to water as you listen to the words. His words reflect exactly how you feel, put in a way that makes it more beautiful than anything you could say to him.

You've heard him sing more ties than you can count. But sitting here next to him, listening as he pours his heart out to you, you don't think any song will ever compare.

"With every breath that I am worth Here on Earth I'm sending all my love to you So if you dare to second guess You can rest Assured that all my love's for you."

Su-bong puts his entire heart into the song. He had started writing it on the piano they had at the rehabilitation center. He had written a few songs while he was there, but this one was specifically inspired by you. The lyrics were from notes he would write down while talking to you, things that came to his head as your sweet voice drifted through the speaker of his phone.

"My beating heart belongs to you I walked for miles till I found you I'm here to honor you If I lose everything in the fire I'm sending all my love to you."

He stops playing, bringing his arms to his sides. He slowly looks up at you. "You've done so much for me. I don't think I can ever pay you back, but I'll spend the rest of my life trying if you'll let me."

A tear escapes your eye. You sniffle, nodding your head.

Su-bong reaches out to cup your cheek, wiping away the tear with his thumb. He looks down to your lips before looking back up to your eyes. "Can I kiss you?"

"Please."

He leans forward, closing his eyes as his lips make contact with yours. Su-bong has kissed girls before, more than he'd like to admit, but he feels like a teenager kissing their crush for the first time.

This is a moment nearly a year in the making. All of his longing for you, his adoration of you is put into the kiss.

He pulls back, regaining his breath as he looks over your face. Your kiss-swollen lips are just begging to be kissed again, but there's something that needs to be done first.

"I love you," he says. "I've loved you for a long time. You're the most amazing person I've ever met and there's nothing I want more than to be with you."

You smile at him, and he feels starstruck by how beautiful you are. "I love you too, Su-bong," you say. "I'm forever grateful that you showed me the real you that day in my apartment. Because I love the real you. So much."

Su-bong's face lights up in a smile, leaning forward to capture your lips again in an awkward kiss that makes you both laugh.

All his hard work is paying off. He is finally worthy of happiness. He is finally worthy of you. And he's going to spend every day making sure he stays worthy.

Song: Last Night on Earth by Green Day

Squid Game Tags: @thebiggestigurosimp @vvnbxz @lov3yy @miltzzy @l5byrinth @come-as-you-are-111 @starkeyszn @learninglinesintherainn @galactict3a @sawlover353 @jspidey5 @skywalker0809 @zannispppp @lianobody

Pt 2 tags: @dweeebazoid @apookalypse @jxsibat @fallout-girl219 @senorittaaaa

lmk if you want to be added to the taglist

[citrustan]

dating girl (jjk) #2.2

pairing: jungkook x reader

summary: you try to convince yourself that you're really okay with 'casually dating' your crush.

genre & note: college au, fwb kinda thing but more than friends ygm? angst! - here are the links for the original and the follow-up parts to be read before this one - it's giving filler chapter... 🤐

It's awkward.

You look around for a moment, trying not to feel like a loser who got ditched.

There are very few seatings available and none of them were occupied currently. You felt like even bigger of a loser because you'd be the only girl just sitting there. Nor do you want men to take it as a hint to approach you. You're rethinking coming at all.

You blow air out of your mouth as a self-soothing gesture, deciding to go grab another drink.

Suddenly remembering that you had other friends at this party, you decide to text them asking if they were around. You loosely recollect reading about their bar hopping plan on the group chat, so you're not sure. You'd have joined in if you had Jungkook to tag along. He's fun to cling to when you're drunk.

Sometimes you fake being so piss drunk that you can't move by yourself just so Jungkook would hold you up or lift you in his arms.

Thinking about this is really ruining your mood though. Because tonight, that other chick is going to enjoy his company while you act like a cunt towards your date because you can't stand up for yourself.

As you make your way back to the table, you spot Jungkook not too far from it.

Boy, is just everywhere tonight or what.

You freeze for a moment, unsure if you should approach Jungkook, or if you’d rather just stay out of his way. But before you can make up your mind, he’s already walking to you.

“Hey,” he says, lowly, as he stops a few inches beside you.

You give him a tight smile, trying to keep your tone neutral, “Hi.”

He looks around, almost as if he’s unsure of what to say next. “Mr. Tooth Fairy had to leave?”

You hum, glancing toward the door where Hoseok disappeared. “Yeah, something came up.”

Jungkook nods, his eyes flicking back to you, “I see.”

An awkward silence stretched between the two of you like a thin, fragile thread.

Finally, Jungkook clears his throat, breaking the tension, “Listen... about earlier-”

You hold up a hand, cutting him off, “Yeah, I'm sorry, I did not mean to do that. It was uncalled for."

This was too awkward. You don't know how to act around him. All you want to do it grab his head and smush your lips together.

"No, you're fine. I meant to text you back, you know?"

Right.

"Yeah, well, either way, I get the message loud and clear," you reply simply, staring him down.

"I wasn't sending any messages, _____."

"Well, yeah!"

"_____..."

"Can we not do this? I told you I hear you loud and clear. Let's move on." You were agitated.

Jungkook knows you've misunderstood his silence but he doesn't want to piss you off anymore today.

He sighs softly, tilting his head as if to study you. “Hoseok, huh?”

“Yeah,” you say, almost defensively. “He’s nice.”

“Nice,” Jungkook echoes, the corner of his mouth twitching slightly, though you can’t tell if it’s amusement or something else entirely. “That’s good. You deserve... nice.”

The way he says it makes your stomach twist. You ball your hands into a fist. You wish he'd stop rubbing it in.

“Is that supposed to mean something?” you ask, sharper than you intend.

Jungkook raises his eyebrows, his expression unreadable, “No. Just a statement.”

You let out a breath through your nose, already feeling the hair on your nape stand, “You know, if you’re trying to say something, you could just say it instead of whatever... this is.” You wave a finger at him.

Jungkook’s jaw ticks slightly, and for a moment, you think he’s going to brush you off. Instead, he takes a step closer, “Fine. I don’t like him.”

Your eyes snap to his. “Excuse me?”

“I don’t like him,” Jungkook repeats, slower this time.

"Yes, you do? He's YOUR friend." You're stunned.

"Yeah, well, I don't like him around you." He'd almost seem childish if it weren't for the way he was looking at you. Like a... predator? Not in a creepy way because this was very invited.

Your brain scrambles to process his words but all you can focus on is how it makes you feel. A shiver runs down your spine.

“Jungkook,” you say finally, forcing your voice to stay calm, “you don’t get to have an opinion about that.”

He opens his mouth like he’s about to argue, but you cut him off before he can speak--- “You’re the one who wants this,” you speak a bit quieter, "-but I..." You abruptly stop yourself, biting the inside of your cheek.

"You what?"

You hesitate, but there’s no point in holding back now. “I didn’t want this,” you admit. You could hear your heart pounding. “And I didn’t have a choice, did I? Because if I said no, you would’ve walked away. And I didn’t want that either.”

Jungkook stares at you, his jaw tight and brows furrowed, like he’s holding himself back from saying something he’ll regret.

Jungkook looked genuinely confused, “That’s not fair. You can't put this on me."

You let out a bitter laugh, shaking your head. "I know. I'm not blaming you."

There's another moment of silence.

"I didn’t want to hurt you,” he says finally, his voice was more gentle now, leaning towards apologetic.

You nod.

“Then maybe we shouldn’t have started this,” you could barely get the words out.

“I didn’t think it would get this complicated,” Jungkook admits, almost like he’s talking to himself.

You almost want to ask to be exclusive. Just the two of you. You really needed to retire that kind of wishful thinking.

Jungkook looks away and chugs his drink in a go. You hadn't noticed he even had one.

He avoids looking at you, choosing to observe random partygoers instead. You want to know what he's thinking.

You glance at his hand tucked into his pocket, briefly contemplating grabbing it.

Just when you slyly begin to inch your fingers closer to his, a third hand blocks you. It links itself with Jungkook's. You can only stupidly stare at their arms joined together, while yours hangs awkwardly mid-way.

Floor open. Swallow. Into the ground. Anytime now would be great.

"Jungkook, I'm ready to go. Take me home?" The blonde from earlier begins massaging his shoulder while you stare at the couple, dumbfounded.

Jungkook looked just as confused as you did, "Now?"

She leans in closer to whisper something into his ear, at the same time, allowing her hand to freely rub his chest, letting out a sensual giggle.

It's so obvious what she's trying to do here. Putting on a show just for you. She must see you as threat.

Jungkook briefly pulls away and glances back at the blonde, "Fine. Wait for me by the door?"

Her smile drops a little but she recovers with an exaggerated pout, "I don't know if I can be left unaccompanied any longer. Like five guys have tried to talk to me already. But I told them I'm here with you." She pokes his cheek.

That wasn't a very subtle jab at you and Hoseok.

As much as you want to push her off of Jungkook, you can admit she's not wrong. He's here with her. And the man you came with has left (momentarily or not, he still left the party.)

You don't know what you're doing standing there. There's no need for you to watch them, especially when Jungkook hasn't said a word to you in over five minutes.

Even though your conversation is long from over, it was apparent that nothing was happening today. It makes the most sense for you to walk away from them before you start crying.

Feigning disinterest, you pull your phone up and shoot Hoseok a quick text explaining your absence.

The party spirit has officially been sucked out of you by Jungkook through a giant straw jammed into your skull.

Jungkook's still speaking to his date but you've forcefully tuned them out, thinking about how you're going to take a long hot shower and change into freshly laundered clothes and hop into your comfy bed.

It's only when you abruptly walk away that you hear him call out to you. He sounded almost frantic.

"Is Hoseok back?"

You pause at that, "No, I'm heading back home as well."

"We'll walk you." Jungkook offers. It was more of a statement though.

You consider it just because of how pissed off his date looked. Her smile has been wiped off and she glared at you, daring you to accept Jungkook's offer.

Well, you guess you're both going to be having a bad night now.

"You know what? I'd like that."

note: so like it's my birthday (woohoo 🎉) and this is a little gift from me to you.... 🧍‍♀️

[nakylvr]

TOO LATE (ALTERNATE)

daniela avanzini x fem!reader ; sophia laforteza x fem!reader

summary: after breaking up with dani a few weeks ago, she repeatedly tries to get in contact with you. ultimately, you end up doing multiple things you thought you would never do

warnings/tags: angst, language, dealer!dani au, nsfw content, toxic!sophia, more probably im sorry

wc: 6,8 k

part 1 | too late (original ending)

minors dni

it had been a few weeks since the incident with dani. you hadn't gone back to the apartment since then, despite all your things being there. you knew she would be there no matter what time of the day you went, that was one of the benefits of being a dealer as a job, you didn't really have a job. 

you stayed with sophia for the time being, who was the one who initially brought the possibility of dani cheating on you. you felt bad the longer you stayed at her place, but she kept telling you that it was fine, that that's what best friends do for each other. 

it was obvious you weren't feeling okay after it all went down. you would mainly stare at nothing or your phone lockscreen that you had yet to change. you didn't really leave unless sophia dragged you out to go somewhere. you couldn't stop thinking about it for weeks.

“we should go get your stuff today,”

you glance over at sophia who's cooking from your seat on the stool at the kitchen island, eyebrows raising in surprise. “what?” 

“well, you still haven't stopped by the apartment,” she says, hearing the shock in your voice and continuing. “i know you don't want to but you have to if you really want to officiate it as a breakup. you need your things.” she says slowly, choosing her words carefully to not upset you. 

you look back down at the kitchen island, mumbling in response. “i guess.” 

sophia lets out a short sigh, turning off the stove and walking over to you. she reaches for your hands, grabbing ahold of them causing you to look up at her. “i know it's hard, yn. but you can't just not have your stuff. i know what you're thinking, that she's more likely going to be there than not, but i’ll go with you, okay?” she says softly, her thumb gently rubbing circles on your hands. “and then, i want you to do something.” 

you can hear her tone change at her last sentence, and you look at her confused. “what do you mean?” 

“i’ll tell you after we get your things.”

within the hour, you were standing outside the apartment with sophia next to you. it was roughly ten in the morning, and you held the key in your shaking hand, hesitating to unlock the door. 

“soph i don't think this is a good idea,” you say, lowering your hand. “i don't want another argument right now.”

“it’ll be fine, you’ll be fine,” sophia responds, sending a warm smile your way and squeezing your other hand reassuringly. 

meekly nodding your head, you slowly unlock the door and walk inside. instantly, you're hit with the smell of smoke, making your eyes squint slightly trying to adjust to the hazy fog-like atmosphere in the apartment. great. 

“is it always like this?” sophia mumbles quietly.

all you do is shake your head in response, walking into the living room and seeing the mess scattered on the coffee table. your first instinct is to clean it up and scold dani for making a mess on the expensive table, but the second you reach your hand out, sophia grabs it and pulls you back.

“we're here to get your things, that's it,” she tells you again. 

“right,” you say quietly. 

you make your way to the bedroom door, quietly opening the door and immediately freezing in your spot. you knew she would be here, that was obvious. but the sight of her is what stopped you. 

she was sleeping, probably for the first time since it happened judging by the dark bags under her eyes that clearly weren't there before. looking at sophia, you take the duffel bag from her. “you can wait outside, i’ll be fine,” you say to her. she gives you a look, but nods her head and walks out of the apartment, leaving you in the room. you take a few steps into the room, and dani starts stirring around, rolling over and groggily opening her eyes. “yn?” she mumbles softly, half awake barely able to make out your face. 

“go back to sleep, dani,” you say quietly, pulling the blanket over her. your eyes linger on her for a moment, watching her eyes close again as she mumbles something. 

you go to the closet and open it, starting to grab your clothes and putting them in the bag. when you finish with your clothes, you head into the bathroom, stopping in front of the mirror. nothing had been moved since you left. everything was beside each other like it had always been, even the toothbrushes that were sitting in their stands. you don't even hear footsteps approaching as you stare mindlessly, feeling regret bubbling up inside you as your brain goes through everything that happened.

suddenly, a pair of arms wrap around your waist from behind, and you jump, turning around to see a tired daniela.

“you're really here?” she mumbles quietly. 

“dani-” you start, but you're cut off by her gently pushing you against the sink and putting her face in the crook of your neck. 

“‘m sorry,” she mutters into your skin. “‘m so sorry, please don't leave. please, yn,” 

“dani,” you try to say as sternly as you can. “we aren't discussing this.” 

dani pulls her head from your neck, looking down at you as her hands move up to cup your face. “please,” she whispers. “please,” she reiterates, leaning closer to you, her lips inches away from yours. “just give me a chance.” 

your eyes meet her red bloodshot ones staring back at you, and you feel your throat close up. you can tell how upset she is and her genuinely being sorry, and it has you wanting to forgive her. but, she hasn't nearly felt like you did the past few months, which has been implemented into your mind by sophia who had seen you almost every day throughout it. “you know i can't do that,” your voice is quiet as you speak. 

“i love you,” her voice cracks as her hands cradle your face. “wh-what do you want me to do? i’ll do anything you want, please.” 

“there's nothing you can do right now,” you answer, though you’re not sure you believe yourself. “please just-”

you're cut off by daniela pressing her lips against yours. its the softest she's ever kissed you, as if she was worried you would break under her touch. you can practically feel the regret seeping from her as she kisses you, pouring all her heart and emotion into it. your hands grasp her shoulders and pry her away from you, looking at her. “dani, you have to let me leave. sophia is waiting outside and she's pissed off enough as is, i don't want her to start an argument with you,” you tell her. 

“sophia?” dani’s face contorts into confusion. “you-you're not- are you?” she can't even get the words out, the thought making her want to throw up. it was obvious for a while now that the filipino girl had feelings for you, though you were either too blind to notice or just ignored it. but, what happened in the past couple of weeks? 

“it doesn't matter, daniela,” you shake your head, gently pushing her away from you. “it should be nothing new for you, right?” you turn around and start grabbing your things, putting them in the bag.

the comment you make has dani looking down at the ground, knowing better than to try and counter it like she normally would. “i’m sorry,” she says. 

“you can apologize as many times as you want, but it's not going to do anything,” you zip up the bag and turn back around to face her. “you can-” you stop yourself from continuing, shaking your head and walking past her out the bathroom.

“yn, please,” she follows every step you take towards the front door. “please just give me five minutes to talk to you, please.” 

“i’m sorry, dani,” you say once reaching the door, pulling it open and walking out. you close the door behind you, half expecting her to follow you outside as well, but even after standing there for a minute, the door doesn't open.

you walk back to the car where sophia is waiting, and she stands up straight when she sees your expression. 

“what happened?” she instantly questions. 

“nothing,” you shake your head, putting the bag in the backseat and looking at sophia. “i just want to go back. i don't think i’ll last another minute here.” 

“okay,” sophia nods, opening the passenger door and letting you get in before closing it. 

…

“you want me to do what?” you stare at sophia with wide eyes. “i’m-i’m not doing that!” you shake your head quickly.

“yn, listen to me,” sophia says in a stern voice. “you know this is for the best.”

“no!” you continue to shake your head, standing up off the couch. “i am not calling the police on her! she's dealt with enough shit these past weeks.”

“and you’ve dealt with far more in the last months,” sophia says, standing when you do. 

“i’m still not doing it!” you exclaim. “why-why would you even bring that up?” 

“because we both know she should've been gone a while ago,” sophia answers.

“no, you think she should be gone!” you retort. “i know you’ve never liked her, but that does not mean you are going to convince me to call the cops! i-”

“still love her, i know,” sophia’s tone shifts slightly, but enough for you to notice. “you need to get over it.”

“get over it?!” you look at her like she's crazy. “this is two years of my life that have been wasted, sophia! i can't just ‘get over it’ like it's nothing! for two years i have loved her and now it's all gone! do you understand? i can't just get over it within a few weeks,” you fail to ignore the way she's taking steps towards you, too busy ranting angrily until she stops in front of you and tilts your head up to look at her with one hand. 

“i’m sorry,” she says softly. “you know i care about you, i just don't want you to get more hurt than you already are,” she pushes some of your hair out of your face. 

you can see the way her eyes flicker down and back up to your eyes, and you freeze in realization. “soph-”

“give me one week and i can prove you can get over her,” she cuts you off with this, her voice quiet.

she's serious, you can tell, which only makes you more nervous as you try to think of a response. part of you thinks you shouldn't do it, but a bigger part of you doesn't care. 

“okay.”

…

you can't believe you're doing this. another week has passed, and somehow sophia has managed to convince you to get the police involved. you rub your temples as you sit in your car in front of the apartment, mentally praying this doesn't blow up in your face. it’s supposed to be easy, barely an inconvenience according to sophia. just go inside, see if dani is there, make a quick text and it's done. taking a deep breath, you get out of the car and walk up to the front door. 

you knock on the door a few times, despite still having the key and could just walk up inside the place. you stand there for a minute or two, and you’re about to turn around and give up when the door unlocks and opens, there standing daniela. 

“yn,” dani lets out in a single breath. to say she didn't expect you would be an understatement, for she thought you would be gone after the last time. 

“can i come in?” you ask hesitantly.

“yeah, yeah,” she nods quickly, opening the door wider for you to walk in.

as soon as you walk in, you’re hit with an unfamiliar smell. lavender? odd. you raise an eyebrow as you step into the living room, seeing the place cleaned up since the last time you were there. the coffee table was clean of the former ash marks on it, the ceiling fan no longer held fuzz due to the smoke, the kitchen looked the best it had in over a year. you couldn't hide your surprise as you looked around. 

“you really cleaned up,” you say.

“i tried,” dani mumbles. “i-i knew that you wouldn't like the mess i left…if you came back,” her voice is so quiet you can hardly hear what she's saying, but you do. 

she was hoping for you to come back. she wouldn't have cleaned the place otherwise. she was right too, you would be upset with the mess she made a week ago. you look at the walls and see the pictures are still up, and you feel a tug on your heart as you look over them. god, you were starting to feel bad now. ‘just push through it’, you could practically hear sophia saying again for probably the hundredth time before you even left to come here. but, it was harder than it sounds. 

“dani-”

“wait,” she cuts you off suddenly. “i have something to give you,” she says before walking off into the bedroom. 

you take your phone out of your pocket and send the message, quickly putting it back away when dani walks back into the living room with a bag in her hands. you look at her with confusion as she hands it over to you. taking the bag, you open it and look inside, reaching in and pulling out a book. your confusion grows bigger until you open the first page, and you realize what it is. it's a scrapbook, poorly made which means she did it herself, of every picture you two took over the two years. “dani…” you say quietly. 

“you don't have to say anything,” dani says, looking down at the ground. “i just wanted to make sure you got it before…y’know…you leave officially.” she mumbles the last bit. 

god, why did she have to make this so difficult? your phone dings in your pocket, and you're certain it's sophia telling you to hurry up. you look up from the book and close it, setting it down on the table and letting out a sigh. “dani i…” you struggle to get words out, knowing what's about to happen and that she'll likely hate you after this. “i want you to know that i loved you so much. i did. and if you didn't…then that's okay. i’m really sorry if i ever did anything wrong. i just wish you would've told me, then maybe we could've worked this out. but, there's no fixing this now.” you look around the apartment. “i’ll pay off the place until you get back, but i won't be coming back again.” 

there's thousands of thoughts running through daniela’s mind as she half-listens to you talking as her gaze is fixated on the ground. she doesn't know what to say. she knows nothing she says will help fix this, that it's already been too long for her to try again and again. your last sentence has her looking up from the ground to finally look at you, her eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. “what do you mean?” she asks. 

you merely shake your head, pulling your phone out of your pocket when it dings again. “i gotta go,” you say, putting your phone back away. “i’m really sorry, dani. this could've turned out different, it really could've.” you turn and start making your way to the door, but daniela grabs your hand before you can make the last step.

“wait, you-you're not telling me something, i can tell,” she says quickly. “what's going on? did sophia put you up to something?” 

“it's nothing,” you reply, shaking your head. “don't worry about it.”

daniela’s eyes narrow, looking at you closely. “you're lying to me. why?”

“like you haven't for months?” your mouth says the words faster than you can think as you pry your hand out of her grip. “all you’ve done is lie directly to my face. now it's suddenly a problem when i do it?”

“you never lie to me,” dani responds, her voice and eyes softening. 

“you didn't either,” you snap. “and yet here we are, because you fucked around with some girl and lied for months. for what, anyways? what did she even do, dani? did she treat you better? was she just a better fuck? did she do even half the shit i did for you?” you can't stop yourself from finally speaking your thoughts, your anger bubbling inside you like it was when you caught her. 

the angry tone in your voice has dani backing down, knowing nothing would fix your anger towards her. “i-” she can't get anything else out. you were always better at arguing than her, even if it wasn't serious. you could come up with ten different responses to one thing she said, and she could never guess what would come out of your mouth in the heat of the moment. just like now, she didn't expect you to say those things. but, she knew that you were thinking it. no matter what she tries to say, it won't work. you're too far gone. it's too late. “i’m sorry,” she whispers. 

“i’m sure you are,” you say sarcastically with a scoff. “good luck, daniela. you're gonna need it.” you open the front door and walk out, leaving it open as you pass the police officers on your way down the stairs. 

you keep your head down as you walk to the car, get in the passenger seat, and close the door.

sophia sits in the driver's seat, immediately looking over when you get inside. “are you okay?” she asks, seeing the expression on your face. 

“yeah,” you nod. “let's just go. i don't want to see them bring her down.” you lean your head against the window. 

sophia nods silently, turning on the car and driving off away from the apartment. it’s at least a thirty-minute drive to her house, not including traffic. she already knows you're exhausted just by doing the act you thought you would never have to do, but she doesn't speak anything of it. she can tell by the way your head rests against the window, how your breathing is starting to finally even out. she glances over at you every so often, seeing your eyes droop closed every minute or two after the first ten minutes of driving. 

“you can sleep,” she says to you in a soft voice, turning down the radio’s volume. “i’ll wake you up when we're back.”

“you sure?” you mumble tiredly. 

“yeah,” sophia answers, putting her hand on your thigh and gently rubbing your leg. “you need the sleep. i know you haven't been recently.” 

“mm,” you hum quietly, closing your eyes. “thank you, sophia. for everything.” 

“don't thank me, i’m just looking out for you,” she says quietly. when she looks over at you again, you're asleep. a small smile is on sophia’s face as you finally sleep comfortably for the first time in a month that felt like a year for everyone involved. she pats your leg softly before looking back at the road. 

…

“yn? we’re back.”

you slowly open your eyes at hearing the voice talking to you, seeing sophia standing in front of you with the car door open. “hm?” you glance around, realizing you were back at her place. “oh.” 

“c’mon.” sophia grabs your hand and gently pulls you out of the car. 

you lean against her as she wraps an arm around your waist to keep you upright, walking with her to the front door. you can barely process what's happening in your half-awake state of mind, merely following sophia everywhere she goes. 

you lay down on the bed that you assume was the one in the guest room you’d been staying in until your head hits the pillow and you're met with the familiar scent that sophia always wore. you can hear shuffling around the room, and when you open your eyes, blinking a few times to adjust to the dark lighting with only one lamp on, you realize you're in her room. you sit up against the pillows, looking around right as sophia walks out of the bathroom.

“hey,” she says, turning off the bathroom light. “i thought you would be back asleep.” 

“why did you lay me here?” you ask in a mumble. 

“mm,” she shrugs her shoulders, walking to the other side of the bed and sitting down beside you. “i guess i figured you deserved a not-so-shitty bed for tonight,” she says casually.

“oh,” you let out, a little surprised by how nonchalantly she said the words. but, that was always one thing about her. she would speak so casually, even when it shouldn’t be. but, it just meant she was comfortable with you, right?  you can barely see her face with the minimal light in the room, but you can't help but think that she looks insanely pretty right now. you know you shouldn't be thinking about it, but you can't help yourself. you’ve always thought she was pretty, and she was, but staring at her face in the dark room in the same bed has you really looking over her features. you don't even realize you're staring until she suddenly leans closer to you, your eyes widening at the closeness. 

“you're staring,” sophia says like it's nothing. 

“s-sorry,” you stammer out, feeling your cheeks heating up due to being caught. 

“don't apologize.” she shakes her head, slowly reaching her hand out and pushing a piece of your hair out of your face, moving it to cup your cheek. she can see your eyes flickering around before landing on her lips, then back to her steady eyes that haven't looked away from you for a single moment. “can i kiss you?” she asks quietly. 

all you can do is nod, not trusting your voice at the moment. your eyes close as she slowly leans in and kisses you. her plush lips are soft against hers, and you can taste the strawberry lip gloss she put on earlier in the day. her lips move slowly against yours, not trying to rush the moment as her thumb draws small circles on your cheek. it's easily the softest anyone has kissed you, and it has you feeling desperate for more. 

when sophia pulls away, she can see the dazed look in your eyes as you stare back at her. there's a silence that fills the room, with both of you hesitating to make another movement. sophia knows better than to initiate something first, so she waits until you do or say something, if you do anything at all that is. she wouldn't mind just getting a kiss from you, it's more than anything she would've wanted, that's enough for her. she doesn't want to pressure you into doing things, especially in your current state. to her surprise, you lean in and pull her into a searing kiss with more force than the last time. 

sophia’s arms snake around your waist to pull you closer, which you take as the opportunity to move and straddle her hips. your arms hook around her neck, pressing your body against hers as her tongue swipes along your bottom lip, silently asking for permission. parting your lips, sophia’s tongue mends with yours as her hands lightly graze your skin under the shirt you were wearing, her fingers leaving little touches. your body feels hot against hers, and you force yourself to pull out of the kiss to pull your shirt off over your head, your hands returning to her shoulders, fiddling with the material of her shirt. 

sophia’s eyes subtly go wide as she gazes up at you, biting on her lip as her hands slowly move up and down your waist. “god, you're beautiful,” she breathes out softly. her thoughts are running wild as you look down at her, and she manages to ground herself enough to ask you a question. “are you sure about this?” her voice is quiet as she speaks. “i know you just-”

“i’m sure,” you interrupt her, your hands playing with her hair. “please just– make me forget, please,” you practically beg. it comes out more desperate than you wanted, but you didn't care. “please, sophia.”

without saying a word, her arms around you, sophia flips you around so you're below her as she hovers above you, staring down at you. there’s a change in her eyes that you instantly notice, even through the darkness in the room, and it causes a shiver to go down your spine at how she’s looking at you. 

“why are you looking at me like that?” you question in a hushed voice.

“like what?” sophia tilts her head to the side, feigning innocence, but the look in her eyes doesn’t change.

you would be lying if you said you didn’t know sophia had been waiting for this moment. you obviously knew she had feelings for you for a while now, and you didn’t exactly mind it because she didn’t do anything drastic to change anything. well, now look. she had managed to convince you to throw the girl you loved for over two years into jail, and within the hour you were under the filipina who was staring at you like you were her prey. but, she was always like that. telling you that she was right, that she was just looking out for you, that she cared about you more than anyone else did, more than dani did. you didn’t know whether to believe it at first. sophia had been your best friend since you were teenagers, and she was there for you through everything. which meant she wouldn’t do anything that could possibly hurt you, right? 

“nothing.” you shake your head, swallowing the lump in your throat. 

a smile curls on sophia’s lips at your response, her voice low as she responds. “that’s what i thought.” 

you barely have any time to process the words spoken before she captures your lips in a deep kiss, the simple action making you forget the way she was looking at you or how she said those words. you try to keep up, but her lips are moving fast against yours, no longer slow and calculate, but instead replaced with a fiery need you can practically taste coming from sophia. 

one of sophia’s hands move down your body to the waistband of the pants you were wearing before she parts from the kiss, a string of saliva connecting between the two of you. “tell me you want me,” she says. 

trying to recuperate your breathing, you squirm around at her light touches, and staring up at her you feel your words get caught in your throat. “i-” you hesitate, immediately seeing the subtle change in her expression which has you quickly finishing. “i want you.” 

nodding her head, sophia wraps her fingers around your pants before tugging them down your legs along with your panties that now had a wet patch on them. spreading your legs apart, a quiet groan comes from the girl at the sight of you in front of her. bringing a hand down between your thighs, she drags her fingers along your folds, collecting your slick on them before bringing them to your lips. “suck.” 

a quiet whimper comes from you at the tone in her voice, but you open your mouth and let her push her fingers into your mouth, starting to suck on them. you try to squeeze your thighs together, but sophia is quick to use her other hand to keep your legs open, causing you to whine around her fingers. when she pulls them out of your mouth she grabs your cheeks firmly, her nails digging into your skin lightly resulting in another whimper escaping your lips. 

“you’re mine now, you understand?” she tells you, her voice serious. “i don’t want you even thinking of her, she wasn’t good for you. this was going to happen one way or another.” 

your eyes widen a bit, feeling anxiety surge through your body as she eyes you waiting for your response. it wasn’t supposed to go like this. she wasn’t supposed to be like this. this was nothing like the sophia you had known for so many years. this was different. and you didn’t know what to do about it. in the end, you have to force the words out in nervousness of how she would react if you answered differently. 

“okay,” you whisper. 

“good,” sophia says, patting your cheek once she lets go. “now, you just sit there and let me have my fun with you, alright?” she smiles sweetly at you, but there’s a difference in it you notice. 

all you can do is nod, not knowing what words would leave your mouth if you opened it. and all you can think about as you feel her hand on your thigh move inward is how this isn’t how you wanted it to go. this wasn’t how she was supposed to be. she was supposed to be kind, caring, and loving during this, but you can’t find any of it as you look into her dark eyes. this wasn’t the same sophia. you knew that. now that she finally had you, it was like a switch flipped inside of her. 

you’re interrupted from your thoughts when you feel sophia’s fingers start to circle your clit, a loud gasp coming from you at the sudden feeling as your head lands on the pillow beneath you. “fuck…” 

“that’s my girl. let all those pretty noises out.” sophia’s breath is hot against your lips as she whispers. “let me hear you.” 

her fingers move down away from your clit to your entrance, prodding her index finger before slowly pushing in and smiling at the moan you let out. she merely gives you a few seconds before she starts thrusting in and out of you at a fast pace, leaving you moaning loudly and your eyes squeezing shut at the feeling. 

“oh my god!” you cry out, your hand grasping her wrist as she slips a second finger inside of you. “so-sophia,” you whine. you’re grateful you can’t see the look on her face, but you can feel her eyes on you as you writhe around under her at what you were feeling, a smirk on her face as she watches you come undone from her. 

“feels good, huh?” sophia taunts, curling her fingers inside you. “tell me, yn.” 

“mhm!” you hum, nodding your head quickly. 

“words,” she tells you. 

“ye-yes!” you manage to get out. “feels so good– fuck!” 

“she couldn’t make you feel like this, right baby?” 

“no,” you whimper. 

lie. this was nothing like what daniela would’ve done. that’s all that was running through your mind around the pleasure you were regrettably feeling. daniela was attentive. while she wasn’t most of the time, she always was when it came to you and what you were feeling. she would easily be able to tell you weren’t comfortable whereas it appeared sophia didn’t care or even bother to try and tell. this didn’t feel the same. it was supposed to be better, but you were feeling worse. this wasn’t nice. this wasn’t caring. this wasn’t love. this wasn’t love. daniela loved you. sophia just wanted you. it wasn’t love. 

you didn’t even notice the tears brimming in your eyes the more you thought about it, and sophia didn’t seem to notice or care, her fingers still moving mercilessly inside you as you moan and whimper at the feelings. you felt like your body was betraying you. you weren’t supposed to be enjoying this, it wasn’t enjoyable. it was suffocating. the feeling of sophia’s eyes on you, the feeling of your heart aching, the feeling building in the bottom of your stomach. despite not wanting more, your hips rolled against her hand with desperation, as if they had a mind of their own. 

“sophia,” you whimper out. “please,” your voice is already hoarse from moaning. 

“shh,” sophia hushes you. “you’re so tight around me, you gonna cum? huh?” her free hand grabs your cheeks again making your eyes open. 

no. 

“yes,” you croak. 

stop. stop. stop. the words repeated in your head but never left your mouth out of fear how she would react. she would freak out, you knew it. she was waiting for so long, so how dare you be one to tell her to stop? it’s not like she would if you said it anyway. you start feeling the tears rolling down your cheeks, your moans being mixed with cries as sophia coos at you. 

“aw, my poor baby. is it too much?” her voice is far from caring, more taunting as if she liked seeing the tears trail down your face. “you want me to stop? you’re so close, baby. you really don’t want me to make you feel good?” she tilts her head to the side. 

“please…” is all you can get out. 

“please what?” she asks, a smile slowly creeping on her face. 

“p-please, sophia,” you practically sob. “I-i-”

“shh,” sophia lets go of your face, pushing some of your hair out of your face. “don’t worry, i’ll make sure you won’t remember how she made you feel.” 

“w-wait!” your other hand grabs her arm, nails digging into her skin as her fingers hit your g-spot repeatedly. you throw your head back, feeling your orgasm approaching with more tears streaming down your face. the second sophia curls her fingers again, you let out a loud whine and cum over her fingers. 

“good girl.” sophia smiles wickedly at you. “that’s my girl.” she slowly pulls her fingers out from you, licking them clean and looking at you under her. 

tears are still seeping from your eyes and you cover your face with your hands, feeling an overwhelming amount of emotions hitting you at once. you fucked up. this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. it wasn’t supposed to go this way. it was supposed to be different. 

you can hear a scoff come from sophia and feel the bed get lighter, but you don’t care enough to move your hands away from your face. you hear the bathroom door open and close, and then a click, meaning it had been locked. 

when you pull your hands away from your face and your sobs have quietened a little bit, you can hear the shower running. sitting up slowly, you glance around and feel the ache in your body again. quietly getting up, you grab your clothes quickly put them back on, and grab your phone before leaving the room. 

walking down the stairs, you make it to the front door and slip your shoes on, not caring enough to tie them before stepping outside. you walk to the curb and sit down, looking at your phone and going to a certain contact of someone you hoped would help you out. 

it rings for a few seconds, and then you hear it being picked up, and a voice comes through.

“yn?” 

“manon,” you sob, feeling the tears well in your eyes again. “i need your help. i-i fucked up.” 

“where are you?”

“sophia’s,” you answer. “please hurry, i-i need t-to get out of here p-please.” your sobs make it hard for you to speak, but it’s clear enough for manon to understand and know what’s going on.

“i’ll be there in ten minutes.” 

“thank you.”

just like she said, in ten minutes you saw manon’s car pull up and you quickly get up and hurry over to it as she unlocks the door, and you climb inside, shutting the door behind you. 

manon sits in the driver seat, clearly looking as if she had just woken up or was about to go to sleep, but she immediately looks awake when she sees the sight of you. “yn, what the hell happened?”

when you look over at her, the sight of your red puffy eyes tells her enough, but not the whole story. “i-i’ll explain. just drive, please.” 

“okay.” she nods, not wasting another second and driving off. 

…

“are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you?” manon asks you, parked in front of your and dani’s apartment. “i don’t think you should be alone right now.” 

you meekly shake your head, unbuckling your seatbelt. “no, it’s alright. i have to do some things anyways.” 

“at midnight?” manon questions. “how are you going to get her out?”

“i’ll figure it out,” you answer quietly. “we have some cash in case of this.” 

“bail money?” manon inquires. 

“you could say that,” you nod. “mainly just for emergencies.”

“won’t she be mad at you?” manon says, and you turn and give her a look making her raise her hands in surrender. “i’m just saying.” 

“i know,” you sigh, looking down. “but, i have to try. i know she won’t make it more than a week in there.” 

“well, you’re right about that.” manon nods. 

a moment of silence fills the car, and your hand pushes the door open right as manon’s grabs your shoulder. “hey.” you look over at her. 

“i’ll always be here for you, okay? you’ve been through a lot. if you ever need me like tonight, just call. i’ll always answer, okay?” she looks at you with a genuine expression in her eyes. 

“okay.” you nod. “thank you, manon.” 

manon shakes her head. “there’s no need. text me if anything happens, okay? i’ll deal with sophia.”

your eyebrows furrowed together at her last words. “what are you going to do?”

“don’t worry, nothing too bad. i’ll leave that for dani.” she smiles at you. “get some sleep, alright? i’ll stop by in the morning.” 

“okay,” you say with a nod. climbing out of the car, manon gives a short wave as do you before walking up to the apartment. 

unlocking the door and stepping inside, you’re met with an empty apartment. there were some things scattered around, probably from the police when they came in, making you sigh shortly. you start cleaning what’s been moved or tossed aside, grumbling under your breath about the lack of respect despite you being more than helpful. 

once everything was back in its normal place, you sit on the bed in the bedroom. it’s quiet. it’s never this quiet. it’s almost uncomfortable. well, not almost. it was uncomfortable. to not hear the tv playing, to not hear a lighter flicking, to not hear her voice. pulling on the sleeve of your shirt, you can feel the tears welling in your eyes again while you look around at the empty space. 

“god…” you mumble, a few tears falling. 

all you could think about as you sat there in silence was that it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. it wasn���t supposed to go this way. it was supposed to be a happy ending, that’s what sophia promised you. she promised everything would be okay once you did it. but, you did. and nothing was okay. it was far from okay. you were far from okay. 

with your heart aching, and tears staining your cheeks, you fell asleep curled up in a ball at the edge of the bed feeling worse than you had going through all of this. you wanted her back. you wanted to change things. you wanted to yell at sophia for making you do it. you wanted to yell at yourself for being naive enough to believe the girl you thought was your best friend. you hated yourself for thinking it would work out. you should’ve known better. you should’ve listened to dani, just talk it out. then maybe you wouldn’t be in this position now. 

but, maybe things had to get worse before they could get better. 

[doyoulikethis-videogame-song]

Ask Masterpost 1/25/2024

I will be answering the BLOG RELATED asks that I have received since opening my inbox. Lucky number three this finally becomes consistent :).

I would like to state here that even though I don't respond to them (I'm persnickety about keeping ask spam low) I very much appreciate everyone's well wishes and compliments and gratefulness for this blog. I screenshot all of them and keep them in a folder. Thank you so much and I hope you keep having fun :).

@forrest-knight asked: Hello! I am here to ask for some clarification regarding the rules: “Songs from multimedia series that are primarily NOT video games (such as the Homestuck minigames, for example) will not be accepted.” I’m a bit confused with this rule, does this mean we’re not allowed to submit songs from licensed video games (aka games made for non video game media), even if the song is originally made for the game (ex. To The Moon from the DuckTales NES game). Or does this rule is intended for something completely different? *please note that I’ve never read homestuck, so this might relate to my confusion Anyways, thank you so much for doing this! And I hope you have a great whatever time you are reading this!

SO Homestuck was the only example I could think of at the time as a series that actually did this. I was specifically thinking about franchises/series/works that 100% did not start off intending to be a video game but, in the nature of being a multimedia series, added video game minigames or mobile games as it developed.

This is referring to things like homestuck (a webcomic that featured small browser/flash games within the comic), many idol gacha games** (hypnosis mic, love live), etc. This does not include series that were 'completed' (loosely used since I know many of these frequently get universe-expanding sequels and threequels and whathaveyou) and then had video game spinoffs, such as Star Wars, Marvel, etc.

** exceptions being tracks that are exclusively used in the video game itself, such as BGM.

I know this rule is probably the most complicated one and I'm still trying to figure out how to word it clearly and precisely LMAO. Fundamentally it comes down to intent, which is why I'm still on the fence some things like tracks used exclusively in promotional materials and things like that.

That being said: if the song is originally from a video game as in literally you can hear it while you are playing the video game you are totally in the clear

And according to your second ask (I won't name the songs in case you want to submit them): The one made for and coming from the NES game is fine (of course), AND the one that is the 8-bit version of the NON-VGM one is ALSO FINE, because it was REMIXED for the NES game :).

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**NUMEROUS QUESTIONS ABOUT PUTTING DISCLAIMERS ASKING PEOPLE NOT TO SPOIL THE SONGS**

The blind listening and polling period is just for fun! If someone really likes a song and wants to know what it is/where it's from, PLEASE feel free to tell them!!! And PLEASE always enter the notes with the expectation that there may be song spoilers!!

I will ask that you keep it in the TAGS rather than the comments or reblogs (you're more than welcome to DM people the title if they ask), just for the sake of people who might want to discuss the song without spoilers. I'll put that in the pinned and the (eventual...) formal rules.

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What's up! New here so sorry if this has been asked before but has the exact same song been submitted more than once before? Like it's clearly different people but the same song keeps getting submitted over and over again?

Ever since Mod Rae cleared duplicates I have no idea anymore, BUT I know there have been a lot of different submissions for a few select Disco Elysium songs. That doesn't shock me because I know it's got a cult following here :).

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do you get a lot of the same people in ur notes or is it like. a few of the same and then it branches out to fandoms where people know the song? or do u not pay attn to your notes at all (also fair)

I do read the notes (when I remember)! I really like hearing people's opinions, and I always look through the tags on songs I know (I find it really hilarious seeing 'is this dark souls?' 'is this nier?' on any orchestral ever). There are a lot of familiar faces but I'd say the majority for any given poll are new or sparsely in the notes :).

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Would you ever consider adding two more "i dont feel strongly/have an opinion" options to the polls? Specifically, "it sounds familiar and i dont have an opinion" and "ive def heard it before and dont feel strongly/have an opinion"? Of course, if theres a specific reason why you dont add those two as options, feel free to ignore this, ty <3

I've considered this -- but honestly, that button has always existed as more of a 'I just want to click a button' option than an actual datapoint I'm looking for (I think I might have answered an ask similar to this before but I don't remember so I'm answering it again LOL). When that option dominates, I always read the notes and tags for discussion and I'd encourage anyone who is genuinely interested to do the same. Actual complex opinions, of course, cannot be captured with the limitations of preset poll options anyways LMFAO.

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@mkcannothelpyou asked: I'm beginning to wonder if spacing series severely further apart and prioritising picks further down the queue that aren't as represented would make for a more interesting order - as it is, it feels like you can more or less still track what people submitted and when, with waves of series (and closely related works within those series, at that) coming in conspicuously densely. Hearing the same style only days apart might impact poll results for the negative as time goes on.

This was mostly the fault of me allowing people to submit multiple songs at once, leading to songs with similar qualities (as they are all liked by one person with a particular taste) being grouped together, even if they're from different series. I limit submissions to one per period now so this will not be a problem in the future :').

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@the-mayor-of-space asked: how long do submissions typically stay open once they are open?

I originally wanted to have them permanently opened (thinking people wouldn't mind waiting for their submissions) until I got an insane amount of submissions, severely underestimating the popularity of this blog. I then tried to do a 24 hr submission period, and then a 12 hr submission period, but both of these still ended up with a fuck ton of submissions so the current answer is 'They're closed until I can figure out something proper'...

I don't want purging the existing submissions to be on the table, but if I get to the 1 year anniversary of this blog without a better option I might have to go that route -- in which case I'd probably publish all the unposted options so people know if theirs was cut so they know to resubmit it if they're still interested.

-----

**NUMEROUS QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW FAR BACK THE SUBMISSIONS ARE**

WE'RE FINALLY IN AUGUST!!!!!!!!

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are fan/non official/non licensed versions of songs allowed? because i am 100% certain #293 is a fan made remaster and medley arrangement (im not the submitter but i know the song well - i found the youtube video the audio is from and the comments from OP confirm it is a fan remix). if they are, that's totally cool, but i couldn't find anything in the submission rules about it. i dont intend this ask to be rude or hostile at all, and either way im grateful you've created such an active community with this blog!

They're not really allowed unless they're from a mod or fangame. Since it's a fanmade remaster it's kind of towing the line, so I'm not inherently against it, but it might end up just being a highly situational thing.

Note: I'm not familiar with Fire Emblem at ALL but I knew this particular song was from an older game, which is why I wasn't opposed to posting the remastered version. In any future submissions I'd appreciate if this sort of thing were indicated just in case! I will add that to the submission guidelines :). And of course if there's a better way to go about this (i.e if the game is like, 30+ years old fanmade remasters/upscales are permitted or something like that) I will make sure that's made clear as well :).

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sorry if you've answered this before but I was just wondering, are people allowed to submit spoiler songs for the polls? like final boss songs and songs from endings and secret endings

Absolutely! But I think for all future submissions (this doesn't apply now since there's a huge backlog) I might put a hold on the submissions of OSTS from new games for like 1-2 months (i.e No Mario Kart 9 OSTs until two months after the game drops!) so people who are playing/going to play the game have time to play it before hearing the OSTs unprompted.

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@its-daisukenojobito asked: Just out of curiosity, do you prefer the more obscure submissions, or more well known? I feel like for the sake of reach, the more well known the better, but as a participant, i love being able to hear something I wasn't expecting, and knowing it!

I have no preference, but it's always fun hearing good stuff from games and series I've literally never heard of!

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@venonomnomicon asked: am i allowed to DM to check the status of a submission? it was a couple of months ago though i do respect it's probably just deep in the queue as you get hundreds of submissions a month lol

Absolutely, but you'll have to DM my main blog (@himejoshi) because apparently tumblr doesn't let you have DMs when you have more than one blog admin.

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@royvalentine asked: is the form supposed to be only submittable once?

Yes, so people would only submit one song per submission period. I intended to make a new form for every submission period... There just hasn't been one since.

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hi question, do pinball tables count as video games?

I don't think I have enough experience to answer this question... What do y'all think????

[crowsofdarkness]

Soldat: Chapter Four

-gif not mine. credit to owner-

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Female Agent! Reader. Slight Steve Rogers x Female Agent! Reader

Content Warnings: language, 18 + implied smut, angst, fluff, kidnapping, violence.

Summary: Agent Y/N has worked alongside Steve Rogers at SHIELD for some time all while keeping a dark secret from everyone. Until one day that darkness faces her head on and she's forced to make a choice. Continue fighting along side Captain America? Or find her home once again with Soldat?

Authors Note: This was originally published on my old blog as a trilogy so I will be in the slow process of adding it to this blog. This is the first of the trilogy and will take place during The Winter Soldier. If anyone is interested in being tagged, let me know!

Tags: @globetrotter28 @sakuracyberhex @chinggay85-blog @bookofriverr @misatxox

Soldat Masterlist

“Steve told me you were a pilot,” I scoffed towards Sam. 

We were sitting at a table outside of a restaurant, waiting for our target to walk out. Steve and Nat were a few blocks over, waiting for word from us when we would be moving. 

Sam laughed, “I never said pilot.”

“Is it hard to fly?” I questioned with curiosity. 

“You get the hang of it after a while. And no, I will not teach you how to fly it,” Sam said. 

I faked pouted while I crossed my arms. “You’re no fun.”

He went silent only for a moment before he spoke, all jokes aside. “I know we just met and my opinions don’t matter but we’re bound to see him again. I just want to make sure you’re one hundred percent on taking him down. Like Steve said, he killed someone you all looked up to.” 

I nodded. “Can I be honest with you?” 

When Sam nodded, I continued. “I don’t know if it was because of how dark it was on the roof but when we saw each other, he acted like he didn’t even know me.”

“How long has it been?” 

“Uh-a few years. Maybe I look different or something?” I muttered. 

Our attention snapped towards the restaurant as our target walked out, Sam immediately dialing a number on his phone. I sat in silence, placing my sunglasses over my eyes and sat back in the chair. 

Maybe that was the reason why he didn’t recognize me that night. It was dark and had been a few years since we saw each other but yet, my heart still dropped when the realization hit that he didn’t recognize me. Was I that easy to forget?

“Let’s move,” Sam said while standing up. 

“Steve, do we actually have a plan here or are we just kidnapping this guy?” I questioned from a spot in the middle of the back seat. 

We were driving along the highway, trying to make it to Shield Headquarters in time to stop the helicarriers. We had learned from Jasper Sitwell that Project Insight would be launching in less than twenty four hours and we suddenly found ourselves with a change of plans. 

Hydra’s plan for the helicarriers was to use them to eliminate millions of people who were any sort of threat to them. All thanks to Zola’s algorithm. 

“I’m thinking,” Steve said, not turning his attention towards me. 

His eyes were trained to the road ahead of us as Sam continued to drive. 

I had tried talking to Steve but he had ignored me; only saying that we would talk about this later. 

“Hydra doesn’t like leaks,” Sitwell informed us. 

“Then why don’t you try sticking a cork in it,” Sam snapped before changing lanes. 

“Insight is launching in sixteen hours,” Natasha pointed out leaning towards Steve, “We’re cutting it a little close here.” 

“I know. We’ll use him to bypass the DNA scans and access the helicarriers directly,” Steve directed to us. 

He finally looked over his shoulder to me, only briefly, and I gave him a small smile. The thought of my past with Soldat was still bothering him, I could tell by the way his jaw was clenched tight as he returned the smile. 

We'll talk later, I mouthed, promising that I would indulge more about my past to him. 

All he did was nod before looking out the front windshield again and I leaned against my seat noticing that Sitwell had an exasperated look on his face.

“Are you crazy? That is a terrible, terrible idea.” 

Suddenly, a loud thud from the top of the car sounded and I couldn’t help the small scream that left my throat as I watched Sitwell being pulled from the car window and tossed to the other side of the highway, immediately being hit by a semi. 

My eyes grew with horror as the quick flash of metal glimmered in front of me causing Natasha and I to jump towards the front of the car, her landing on Sam’s lap while I landed on Steve’s. Gunshots echoed through the small car and Steve wrapped his arms around my waist in a tight grip as he hastily put the car in park, causing the man to roll off the car. His metal fingers dragged along the pavement before coming to a stop a few feet away from us. 

“That’s him?” Steve whispered in my ear. 

My throat went dry, no words being able to come out so all I did was nod.

A car slammed into the back of ours, pushing it towards him. The Winter Soldier jumped over the hood of our car landing on top with a thud. Sam slammed on the brakes as my hand reached around for my gun and smiled in victory when I pulled it free. Aiming it to the roof of the car, I shot a few rounds. 

“Shit!” Sam screamed when the metal arm busted through the front windshield and ripped the wheel off with ease. 

It was Natasha’s turn to fire a few rounds and I looked over Steve’s shoulder as the soldier was riding on the hood of the car behind us. They slammed into us a few more times before Steve busted open the door, pulling us to safety as the car hit the median, rolling a few times and coming to a stop.

“Nat!” I bellowed as I watched her and Sam roll away from us while Steve and I were safely sitting on his shield that protected our fall. 

She gave me a small wave, indicating that they were alright, and Steve helped me to my feet and I watched his face distort in pain. 

“Are you hurt?” I asked. 

“I’m fine. You’re bleeding, though,” His fingers gently grazed over my forehead before showing me the blood that covered his hand. 

“I’ll live,” I shrugged and turned towards Sam and Nat who had caught up to us.  

We all watched as someone handed the soldier a grenade launcher and without a second thought, Steve pushed me out of the way, blocking the shot with his shield. 

“STEVE!” I screamed as I watched him fly off the bridge and straight through a bus. 

Suddenly, hundreds of bullets cascaded around us, Sam and Nat taking cover behind a van while I hid on the side of another car across the median. The bullets ricochet against the metal of cars and my body shivered when one flew past my face, my hair flowing with the wind. 

My eyes scanned my surroundings, trying to avoid any of the flying bullets, and after fighting with my consciousness, I ran out from behind the car and jumped over the median to the opposite way of traffic. Thankfully with everything going on, cars had decided to exit the freeway long before reaching us. 

Weaving my way in and out of the cars that were there, I dared to glance over my shoulder and watched in fear as he launched a grenade at the car in front of me. The heat of the fire engulfed me as the power of the blast sent me flying over the bridge, me landing somewhat safely on an abandoned car. 

“Fuck,” I groaned, feeling the wind get knocked out of me. 

I laid there for a split second as the pain slowly subsided, wondering why he still couldn’t recognize me. My heart was breaking, realizing that the memories of us might have meant nothing to him. 

“Now’s not the time to be a little bitch, Y/N.” I cursed to myself before rolling off of the car. 

I ran with a small limp, knife clenched tight in my hand, as I waved people away from the scene. 

“Get away! Get back!” I ordered. “It’s not safe!”

Seeing his shadow from the bridge above me, I came to a halt, aiming my gun towards him. I breathed as the bullet hit exactly where I wanted; his goggles. 

Not daring to stay back, I scurried over to a fallen bus as I fired a few more rounds behind me, not sure if it was a direct hit this time. I continued to run as fast as I could, hoping I would find Steve soon. 

“Fuck!” I screamed out in pain when I felt a bullet rip through my thigh, sending me plummeting to the hard ground. 

Biting back the tears, I slowly but hurriedly dragged my limp body over to the car in front of me. I leaned back against it, allowing the coldness of it to cool down my warm body. Glancing down to the wound in my leg, I let out a few large breaths before a guttural scream scratched its way out of my throat as I plunged my finger in the wound, fishing out the bullet with little to no ease. 

“Damn it, Steve. Where are you?!” I sobbed, tears brimming my eyes. 

If anyone saw me crying right now they would be appalled. Big, tough, Shield Agent, former FBI special ops, former swat member, was crying over a man? I wasn’t crying over a man, per say. I was crying at the thought that Steve was in fact right. If this truly was him, what I had known about Soldat was just a lie. 

Without warning, more rapid gunfire sounded in front of me and I watched almost in defeat as someone jumped out of the bus, my spirits lifting only a tad. 

“Steve!” I gasped slowly rising to my feet. 

He looked over his shoulder after blocking the shots with his shield and ran over towards me, immediately throwing my arm over his broad shoulders. 

“Are you alright?” He cooed. 

“For now,” I admitted. 

The bullets continued to bounce off the shield as Steve and I tried to find safety. 

“Stay close,” Steve ordered. 

Obeying, I gripped his shirt as we started making our way towards the men that were shooting at us. One of the men to my right fell to the ground, gun clattering away from him. Looking up to the overpass, I gave a small wave of thanks to Sam who had clearly been watching our backs. Steve knocked the last shooter to his feet before coming to my side again. We both looked up to Sam. 

“Go! I got this!” He yelled. 

Nodding, Steve wrapped an arm around my waist while mine snacked its way around his neck and I tried my best to hold the majority of my weight as we tried to gain our surroundings, looking for Natasha. 

“Over there!” I pointed when I saw the soldier had his gun aim at Natasha and was about to pull the trigger. 

Steve ran towards him and I watched as the two fought. Shield vs knife. My leg dragged behind me while I used the last bit of my strength to help Natasha off of the ground. 

“You’re shot,” she observed. 

“No shit,” I groaned, feeling the sudden rush of blood run down my leg. 

We both watched Steve as he tried to land punch after punch to the soldier, always coming up empty. We watched in fear as they continued to fight, Steve throwing the soldier over his shoulder, the mask rolling a few yards away. 

My body went rigid as he slowly turned around, his unmasked face meeting ours. Blood flooded in my ears while my mouth ran dry, trying to find the right words to say. 

He stood a few feet in front of me and he looked exactly the same. Those eyes that haunted my dream for months were suddenly in front of me and everything around me vanished. I wanted nothing more than to walk into his arms. 

“Soldat?” I breathed. 

“Bucky?” Steve questioned at the same time. 

I snapped my eyes over to him, my heart getting caught in my throat at the mention of that name. “Bucky? As in best friend who you thought fell off a train seventy years ago, Bucky?” 

“Y/N, this is Soldat?” Steve croaked, realizing that the man who had saved my life years ago was his best friend. 

“Who the hell is Bucky?” Soldat questioned Steve before his gaze softened on me. “How do you know me?” 

“You don’t remember me?” I blinked, surprised. “Russia. 2009. Zola.” 

Soldat’s eyes bounced back and forth between Steve and I. 

“Y/N,” he whispered, “I know that name.” 

I nodded, hoping he would remember, however, The Winter Soldier returned as fast as he had disappeared and raised his gun to shoot but Sam came flying in, literally, and knocked Bucky a few feet away from me. 

He quickly stood and stared at Steve, something unreadable coming across his features. He lifted the gun again but was stopped when Nat got a hold of the grenade launcher, sending one off in our direction. 

We all jumped out of the way in different directions, me rolling far away from Steve. 

“Y/N, watch out!” 

Hearing Steve’s voice, I looked behind me, my scream being muffled by a pair of leather gloves while my body was being dragged away from my friends. My wounded leg dragged along the ground as I tried to kick my captor with my good leg. 

My efforts were useless as my body was spun around, eyes locked with one of the gunmen working with Soldat. 

“Get in the van. Now.” 

I continued to fight against him. “Let me go!”

“He wants you,” the gunmen struggled against my punches and kicks. 

My fighting seized when I felt a blow to the back of my head causing my body to go limp against his chest.  

[ozwriterchick]

Back to Us - Chapter 9

Summary: Y/n wakes after an accident to her Avengers team-mates. But something isn't quite right and only Steve and Tony can see it.

Characters/Relationships: Steve Rogers x Reader; Tony Stark; Natasha Romanoff; Other Avengers Characters

Content warnings: Mentions of an accident (no details yet); If I missed any, let me know

A/N: If you want to be tagged, let me know.

Not beta'd so any mistakes are my own. I don't write smut, but there are allusions to smut in my stories.

Back to Us Masterlist

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Word count: 1822 (approx.)

GIF by dazedandkaitfused

A week later, you were in the lab with Tony & Bruce, ready to go again on the flashback program, albeit a bit unsure if it will give you any more results.

“I’m frustrated Bruce, these memories are coming in little bits, and they aren’t in any logical order either” you told him.  You felt like a whiney little bitch, because so many people had it worse off than you, but this was your life and if you weren’t going to get any more memories back, then you wanted to just move on and hopefully start making some new memories.

“It’s not an exact science Y/n” Bruce explained. “We have to be patient with it and try not to put too much pressure on your brain, it’s been through a lot.”

Bruce sets you up for another round of the flashback program.  Lying on the hospital bed, hooked up to all the wires and probes, you really hoped that today was the day you’d wake up with all, or most of your past back.

You see Steve walk into the lab just as you go under.

“How’s it going Bruce?” Steve asked, hopefully.

“She’s just gone under Steve, I’m hoping today is the breakthrough.  In fact, her seeing you as she went under may be a good thing, it might trigger her subconscious to remember those specific memories that include you and, by association, Noah.”

“Me too, I don’t know how much longer I can handle this if it doesn’t work.  Do you mind if I wait here for her to wake up?”

“Not at all Steve, pull up a chair and get comfortable.  Last week she was under for about 3 hours, so I’d expect this session to last about the same time.”

Steve grabs a chair and pulls it up beside the hospital bed you are in. Over the next few hours, he sits and watches, he gets up and paces the room, he finds a paper and pencil and doodles to pass the time.

“Is it normal for it to take this long?” Steve enquired of Bruce.

“Like I said, last time it was about 3 hours and she recovered a good chunk of memories.  I’m hoping that this is a good sign that there’s a big portion of memories coming back to her.

Suddenly, your body starts shaking as if you are having a seizure. Steve knew you didn’t have epilepsy or any other seizure like issues.

“Bruce, what’s happening?  Stop it now.  I’m serious Bruce, get her out of this trance or whatever it is she’s in.” Steve was panicking because there was nothing he could really do to help right now.

Bruce stops the program but you don’t wake up immediately.

“Bruce?” Steve asked quietly, worried that some permanent damage may have been done and that you’d never come back to him and Noah.

“Umm, I’m trying here Steve” he replies. “The program is finished, she’s just not waking up.  I’m double checking her vitals but everything seems stable, I’m just not sure why she won’t wake up?”

“Do something Bruce.” Steve shouts.

“I’m not sure what else to do Steve” he says. 

“Bruce this is your program, this is your knowledge.  This is on you to fix it.  We can’t lose her Bruce. Noah needs her and so do I.” Steve is so distraught he was almost crying.

For the next few hours, Bruce and Steve sat and paced and did everything they were doing when you were under earlier.  Tony came and went, monitoring your status and researching things that he and Bruce could do to help bring you out of the state you were currently in.

Steve was beside himself, he felt exactly as he did when you were in the hospital originally.  He hoped that this would have a different outcome in that you’d wake up with at least some of your memories.

All of a sudden you stirred.  The first person you see is Steve.

“Bruce, she’s awake.” Steve sighs with relief.  “Oh thank god you’re awake Y/n.  I was so worried we were going to lose you.”

You looked at Steve, sudden realisation in your eyes.  “Why didn’t you tell me?” you asked him.

“Tell you what Y/n?” Steve asked you, then it hit him.  He knew exactly what you were asking.  “You.. you remember?”

“Yes, I remember Steve” you responded.  “Why wouldn’t you just tell me that we were together?  If I’d known that I wouldn’t have gone off for weeks, or been such a bitch towards you for cheating when you clearly weren’t?”

“I wanted to tell you. I tried to tell you but you didn’t want me to explain anything, you said no explanation would change what had happened.  On top of that..”

“No on top of anything, Steve” you interrupted him, anger in your voice.  “I deserved to know the truth.”

Steve sighs, exasperated but understanding of your outrage.  “I tried, I really did” he reiterated quietly. “All I wanted was to hold you and have you know you were mine, but the doctor told us not to and every time I tried to explain you shut me down.  I just wanted to see you with Noah, he’s really missed you.”

“Steve, Who’s Noah?” you ask, confused.

Steve looks at Bruce, thinking, how can she remember me and not Noah?

Steve wonders how to answer that question.  “Umm, well…”

You get agitated with what seems to be more secrets that people won’t tell you “Just tell me goddamit!  I’m sick of things being kept secret.  I’m a big girl, I can handle whatever you’re going to tell me.

Steve looks at Bruce and shrugs.  He’s had enough of this pussyfooting around and not telling you important things.  Regardless of what the doctor had said, Steve thought maybe it was time for you to learn everything you were still missing and as he’s about to answer you, Tony walks in, interrupting everything.

“How’s it going?” he asks.

Bruce smiles at him “Well, she finally woke up.  And we had a breakthrough.”  He points at the bed where Steve is sitting on the edge of the bed, holding your hand and looking at you like you hung the moon in the sky just for him.

“She remembers?  Thank god.”

“Not everything” Bruce answers. “But she remembers him and their relationship. There’s only one thing left.”

“Noah?” Tony half asks, half states.

“Yeah, Noah.” Bruce answers sadly.

Bruce and Tony watch you and Steve, happy to see you back together, and positive you’ll remember Noah soon.

The next morning, you wake up in bed, snuggled into Steve’s chest.  You look up and see him awake.

The previous night, after Bruce had let you go, you and Steve had stayed up late, talking through a lot of things and working through everything that had happened and your reaction to it all.  You now accepted that it was partly your fault that he hadn’t told you the truth earlier, you’d been particularly bitchy towards him any time he'd tried so you can’t really blame him for giving up.  At least you know he kept trying, even when you shot him down, time after time.

Despite his determination last night, he hesitated every time he thought about telling you about Noah.  Mainly because of what it could mean for Noah if you took the news badly. 

“Morning Captain, how long have you been awake?” you asked.

“A while.” Came his answer.

“You know it’s creepy to watch someone sleep?” you laughed.  He didn’t so you asked “Hey, is everything ok?  Is this about Noah?”

Steve looks at you with surprise that you mentioned Noah.

“What do you remember about Noah?” Steve asked, hoping you were remembering him as well now.

You sigh. “Nothing, I don’t know who he is, but your reaction yesterday when you mentioned him and I didn’t know makes me feel like I should.”

“Well, I can tell you but it’s one of those big things the doctors said we shouldn’t just dump on you.  I don’t want to make things worse but oh god, I need to tell you.  It’s up to you.”

“Maybe we should talk to Tony and see what he thinks?”

“Sounds good, but I’m going to be selfish right now and say I don’t want to move, I am just enjoying being able to hold you again, and have you know that you’re my girl, not someone else that I’m cheating on.”

“Well, there’s something else you could be doing with your fiancé and we can talk to Tony later?”

Steve looks down at you and laughs.  The laughter fades and his eyes darken with desire.  He leans down to kiss you, shifting so you are on the bed and he is half on top of you.

“I love you Steve.  I’m glad I remember.  Please, I need you.”

“I love you too Y/n.  Always and forever.”

Some time later, Steve wakes up to an empty bed.  He panics for a moment then hears you singing in the bathroom, which brings a massive smile to his face. 

He goes into the bathroom, finding you soaking in a massive bubble bath, eyes closed, singing away.  He stands watching you for the longest time, you don’t seem to sense him standing there.

“Oh dear”  You exclaim, the water sloshing in the tub as Steve joins you.  You turn around so your back is against his chest and lean into him.  He wraps his arms around you and you stay that way for what feels like forever.

“Steve?” you turn your head and look at him out of the corner of your eye.

“Yeah babe?” he lands a kiss on your cheek.

“I’m a prune. I need to get out of this water.”

Steve laughs “Well, the water is getting a bit cold anyway.  Do you need any help getting out sweetheart?”

“Haha, it’s my brain that’s busted Steve, not my legs or arms.” You joke with him.

“Just offering a hand if you need it, my love.” He says. “Although I have to say, I’m pretty happy with the view as it is.”

“You’re terrible Rogers.  Actually, there is one thing I wanted to ask you.”

“Ask away sweetheart, I’ll tell you pretty much anything you want to know at this point.”

“Do I have an engagement ring - I mean if I was, or am, your fiancé, I’m guessing you liked it enough to put a ring on it?”

Steve almost chokes with laughter at you quoting a Beyonce song. “Oh yeah, I sent it away to be cleaned and it needed a couple of new hook things on it, I don’t really know the ins and outs.  I should talk to the jeweller about getting it back.  By the way, keep tonight free, because I am taking you on a date.”

Tag List: @wolfbeanpotion @vioplay19 @jason-todd-fangirl-14 @crazyunsexycool @zaraomarrogers @bitchy-bi-trash @mrsnikstan @harrysnovia

[gorbo-longstocking]

Do Not Blame the Sea | Chapter One

Pairing: Emperor Geta/Reader, Emperor Caracalla/Reader

Summary: Everyday, you woke up and performed the steps necessary to complete your routine. It was monotonous, like clockwork, as you traveled down the tracks laid out for you since birth. With a mind uncontested, you found yourself graduating college before you were legally an adult, and at the behest of your controlling parents, you continued on to medical school, then further on into a surgical residency at a nearby hospital. You had always wanted to help people and this was the best way to do it.

So, why, with everything you had ever wanted at your fingertips, were you so unhappy?

Maybe that was why when you awoke in the past, surrounded by farmland instead of your blankets that you decided to ‘just roll with it’ rather than scream. That was your motto now as you were unceremoniously dropped from your assigned path onto untrodden ground with no hope of going back. So, even when you saved the life of a soldier and were carted off into the heart of the corrupt Roman Empire to be the twin emperor’s new physician, you barely batted an eye.

After all, you would do anything to save your patients.

Tags: Time travel, transmasc reader, no use of y/n, eventual polyamory, no incest, period-typical attitudes, Caracalla doesn’t have syphilis but he has PTSD, mentions of slavery, both historical accuracy and historical inaccuracy, obsessive behavior, eventual smut in later parts, medical inaccuracies,

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Authors Note: Hiiiiiii, I’m back at it again, starting another fic. Those freaky gingers have bewitched me, let me tell you. Anyway, some important things to note about this little fanfiction that I feel the need to clarify before we get into the real meat and potatoes.

First and foremost, Geta and Caracalla won’t show up until chapter two. Maybe even chapter three, it depends on how much more set up I write, so if you want to wait ‘till then to read this, you’re welcome to :3

Two, and very important, unlike my other fics where the reader is trans, but referred to with they/them pronouns or neutral language, this main character will be referred to with he/him pronouns and masculine language in the text because, as a plot point, they are assumed to be a cis man. Along with this, they have three descriptions in the text. They have dyed green hair — original hair color shan’t be mentioned — they have top surgery scars, and they have a vagina. I miiiiight make an accidental reference to heights (ex. ‘ooked up at him/looked down at him) but I will try my hardest to not.

While their real name will never be mentioned in text for self-insertion purposes, Geta and Caracalla come up with the nickname ‘Alga’ for them due to their green hair. It means ‘seaweed’ in Latin. It also means ‘something of little worth.’ :) So, that is how they’ll be referred to. Generally. It’s either that or ‘medicus’ or ‘physician’ or ‘you there.’

Third and finally, I am a huge nerd and fan when it comes to the Roman Empire. As a society, they have a bunch of hangups, taboos, and beliefs, mostly around sex, that I find incredibly funny and will pepper in here and there. I will try to make this fic as historically accurate as I possibly can using all the resources I have at my disposal (google, a few academic texts, and my best friend whose studying classical history) but there’s no guarantee I get all of it right. Half the reason I’m using a modern character as the main POV is so they have an excuse not to know things 😭 Also when it comes to conjugation of Latin words, please, PLEASE give me leeway, I haven’t taken a Latin class since high school.

All that said, I hope whoever reads this fic enjoys it, because that is my main goal. Writing is seriously a passion of mine and my favorite part about it is sharing it with people. That means YOU person reading this, I think you’re awesome.

Okay I’m done talking, on with the show!!

Chapter One ///

This dream sucked — because that was what this was, a very bad dream — and, if you had to guess, it was the worst dream you had ever had in your life. Which was saying something. As a surgical resident who did most of their studying in a hospital, you were chronically sleep deprived and had a lot of stressful material to work with. Whatever aid you used to help you get some semblance of rest had a tendency to give you weird dreams. Very, very weird dreams. You had a few recurring ones, like being chased by a sentient pool noodle — whatever that meant — and several where the ghosts of your patients blamed you for their deaths — far more self explanatory than the pool noodle — but none quite like this one.

Out of everything you had ever experienced in your bleak and desolate mindscape, this dream was long and boring. That was its only crime. Along with being terrifyingly vivid, of course, which you didn’t particularly enjoy thinking about. If you were any less logical, you’d almost be convinced this was reality. That you had woken up in a small farming village, close enough to the capital of one of the most infamous ancient empires that you could see it on the horizon. Sometimes, when the sun set, you would stare at the shadow of Rome dancing upon the skyline. It was beautiful, albeit impossible. Sure, the people who surrounded you only spoke Latin, and they didn’t trust you as far as they could throw you, but it wasn’t as if that mattered. Soon, you would awake in your bed, one day closer to your exam and the beginning of the rest of your life.

Why did the thought only fill you with a sinking sense of dread? Being a doctor was everything you had ever worked for. Helping people, saving people, it was your purpose, the very reason you were born with your exceptional mind. It was your destiny, so why did it feel like you were marching to the gallows?

You shook your head to rid yourself of these thoughts. Focus on the present, focus on the dream, it was far easier than the constant ever present march of time. It was why you were so certain that the predicament was a figment of your imagination. Time hated you, constantly pulling on your leash, dragging your forward even as you dug your heels into the muck. It would never, never move backwards. Not for you.

Never for you.

A low groan of despair rumbled in your throat as you tried your best to wash your filthy scrubs in a nearby river. The water wasn’t murky, but it wasn’t clear either. Unsurprising, considering the nearby village used this water for practically everything. They were close enough to the city to have access to aqueducts, carrying waste hopefully further downstream. You were determined not to think about it. Any other denizen of this small settlement would wash their clothes themselves. The village was too small for a fullonica, and you were pretty sure they were mostly meant for the wealthy. That said, you also knew that Romans used urine to wash clothes — thank you to the ancient civilization classes you took for fun — and you’d be damned before you let a random person’s piss touch your scrubs.

Outside of work, at least.

With your pants rolled up to your knees as you waded deeper into the water, you continued to do what you could to clean the few clothes you had on you. Considering you only had a little bottle of soap you stole from a hotel a few months ago, it was easier said than done. You wanted to ration what you had in case this dream went on for much longer. Just because this was a fictional scenario conjured by your stress addled mind didn’t mean you weren't going to go about things logically. You had already been asleep for three days now, who knew how much longer this neverending dream would last? Perhaps forever. The thought of avoiding reality as you waste away in your bed was far more comforting than it should have been.

A loud shout echoed to your right and you fought the urge to shoot a nasty glare at the <i>obviously</i> young soldiers goofing off several yards away. Well, young was a strong word, they were the same age as you. Probably. You couldn’t really tell considering how staunch you were in your decision to not make eye contact. Out of the handful of men playing in the water, they were all naked. It wasn’t that nudity bothered you, you were studying healthcare for Christ’s sake, it was the unfortunate fact that soaking wet, muscular hunks were a particular weakness of yours. You weren’t sure the soldiers would appreciate your ogling, the villagers already avoided you like the plague. Judging by the dirty looks you received from some of the, unfortunately armed and notoriously xenophobic men, they’d heard enough about you to be wary.

You let out another sigh, your scrubbing becoming a tad more vigorous. Soapy bubbles rose to the surface of the water and your face was screwed up in concentration.

This particular Roman century had arrived at the village only a half-day after you did. From what you could pick up from eavesdropping, instead of being sent to North Africa to get a little conquering done, their legion was shipped to Gaul to put an end to some dissent. Once that was over, the officer in charge received orders to head back to Rome so they could be sent to North Africa with the rest of the troops. They had only stopped at the village for a last bit of rest before their next assignment. Or something. You had been noticed, and you had scurried off the second you realized you were caught.

Letting out a small huff, you examined your scrubs and decided that they were as clean as they would get. Once you were back at shore, you wrung out the fabric the best you could before laying them flat on a rock beside the only other outfit you had, aside from the one you were wearing, to dry in the sun. Another bark of laughter drew your eye to the soldiers playing like schoolboys in the river. Weren’t these men hardened warriors of one of the most regimented militaries to exist? Surely, they should be more disciplined. Still, you couldn’t help the small smile that caused your lips to twitch upwards. Even thousands of years in the past, and in your dreams, humans were the same as they had always been.

The sun was warm, hanging overhead like an unripe cherry tomato. You closed your eyes to bask in it a bit more than necessary. Your skin prickled, indicating that there were eyes on you, though you didn’t particularly care. No footsteps approached you and the sound of laughter didn’t stop, so you figured you were safe enough to show your belly. You didn’t realize you had laid down until you felt grass tickle the back of your neck. Perhaps a little nap wouldn’t hurt. A dream within a dream would be rather funny, you thought as you fell into a light doze, lulled by the sound of soldiers playing.

You didn’t know how long you slept for. It was the sound of panic that woke you, sending you upright so fast, your head spun. The first thing you noticed was the merriment had stopped and had given way to an oppressive sense of desperation. You looked in the direction you had been avoiding all day to see a gaggle of soldiers, some clothed, some naked, dragging an unconscious body onto shore. One man was running with his tunic halfway over his head in the direction of the village, yelling for the centurion in charge. You were moving before you could stop yourself.

“Make way! Make way!” Your Latin was shaky, but not the worst in the world. While you were sure your accent was strange, you knew you were at least understandable as some of the men turned to block you from getting any closer. They didn’t look particularly pleased at your arrival, eyeing both your hair and your odd attire with an air of skepticism. You didn’t have time for this. “I am a doctor. A physician. I can help him, we must act fast.”

One of the soldiers raised a singular thick eyebrow. “A physician, you say? You look like no medicus I have ever seen.”

“Does that really matter?!” You shouted, your voice a harsh bark. The longer this went on, the less of a chance you had to save this man. While you were nervous to plow through the wall of stout muscle that blocked you from your prospective patient, you realized you might have to.

The soldier looked like he wanted to say something more, when an authoritative voice broke through the ranks. “Let the man through! We have lost too many as is without losing another to a few hours of games.”

Every head snapped in the direction of whoever spoke. All except yours. The second you saw a gap in the crowd, you slid through and fell to your knees beside the drowned man, the one you determined to save.

First thing you did was check for responsiveness. It was out of habit mostly. A tap on the shoulder, a shout, another tap. He didn’t respond, that was unsurprising.

When you checked for a pulse, you found none, so you began chest compressions. Placing your hands together on his chest, arms straight, you began to push. The rhythm came to you naturally — you had made sure to pay attention in class, and this wasn’t the first time you had done this. Despite the fact that you knew no support was coming, that if you couldn’t get this man back by yourself, he would die, your head remained clear.

Do not lose sight of your goal, do not lose hope, go until you can’t anymore.

After thirty compressions, you took a deep breath, pinched his nose shut, and tilted his head back, placing your mouth over his. You heard a few gasps, and even a cry of disgust as you pulled back to push another breath into his lungs. Determined to pay the growing crowd no mind, you placed your hands on his chest and began to pump his heart again.

This went on for… like with your nap, you didn’t know. All you knew was that you were drenched in sweat, your arms were sore, and your breath coming out in harsh pants. Thirty more compressions, you inhaled a ragged breath and pushed oxygen into his lungs once more. If this didn’t work, you’d have to call it.

There was a hand on your chest, shoving you away, a watery cough filling your mouth with spittle before the drowned man flailed back to life. You didn’t take offense to the harsh treatment. He had woken up to a kiss. That would startle anyone. You rolled him over on his side and rubbed his back as he hacked up a lungful of murky water and whatever he had eaten for breakfast.

“You’re back,” You muttered softly, as comforting as you could. “Breathe. Slow and steady. It feels good to be back, doesn’t it?”

The man met your eyes, his own a startling shade of honey, a confused, but grateful, smile on his lips. “I thought I was gone.”

“Yeah, we all thought that!” A soldier with a shaved head nudged him roughly with his toe. “Medicus here worked a miracle with his lips.”

A hand reached down to clasp your shoulder, shaking you firmly, if not playfully. You looked up to see a man with floppy blond curls grinning down at the man you just saved, his lips pursed. “The kiss of life!”

You let a small, uncomfortable laugh titter from your mouth. Being surrounded by so many people was awkward, and their banter was even more so. You felt entirely out of place. Rather than focus on that, you fixed your attention back on the man you saved.

“What’s your name?”

“Sextus Aelius,” He answered, voice hoarse.

With a small smile, you gestured to another soldier to hand you a nearby tunic. Sextus — you wouldn’t laugh about his name, you wouldn’t — had begun to shiver, even in the hot sun, and you wanted to keep him warm. Not to mention he was still naked. You tried not to study him too much, focusing on the sharpness of his jaw and the gentle slope of his nose rather than his nudity.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, Sextus, I am—” You were cut off by a cacophony of noise, a few whistles interspersed within. A bit of heat rose to your face when you saw Sextus’ bewildered expression. “I fear I have made a blunder.”

To your relief, he merely laughed. “Aelius. Call me Aelius.”

“Right. I apologize, Aelius. How do you feel?”

Once you had given him the tunic, he slipped it on over his head, covering his modesty — not that anyone but you seemed to care all that much about it. When he stood, two men came to his side to steady him. Despite this, he still offered you his hand. It would be rude to deny him, though you didn’t feel comfortable accepting help from a man who had been, by many’s standards, dead a few minutes before. You gave him a small smile and pushed yourself to stand on your own.

“I could be better.” His grin was lopsided, the boyish kind that showed off his teeth. It was endearing enough for you to be proud of saving a good man, rather than a mere man. When he spoke next, there was no small amount of awe in his voice. “You saved my life, I am not sure if that is something I can repay.”

A snort pulled from your throat as you waved him off. “No repayment necessary, I only did what needed to be done.”

Aelius looked about to argue when he paled, his gaze flickering behind you. There was a creeping sensation of unease crawling up your spine, similar to when you had earned your parents displeasure. Standing behind you was a presence, one with enough authority to cause the men around you to stand at attention.

Thankfully, it didn’t seem directed at you. For now.

“What is the meaning of this, boy? I allow a bit of slacking off and you go and die on me?” It was the voice from before, the one who commanded his men to let you through. Taking a guess, you’d say this man was the centurion leading this particular century back to Rome. You didn’t dare look behind you, you didn’t dare move. Anything to keep his frustration off of you. It didn’t last long. A large hand clasped you on the shoulder, grip firm, but not harsh. “And to be saved by a foreigner! You should be on your knees thanking him for whatever trick on the gods he played at your behest.”

“That is unnecessary,” You tried to argue, only for the centurion to give you another shake.

“A humble medicus at that! Lucky boy! Very, very lucky!” He let go of you and gestured for Aelius to be taken elsewhere. “To the tents with you while I think of a suitable punishment. No man has died and lived to tell the tale on my watch, so I must be creative.”

Aelius, at least, looked ashamed, though the man with the floppy blond hair leaned down to whisper in his ear, a smirk dancing on his lips. Whatever was said earned him an elbow to the ribs. Men never change.

Before they could get too far, you found your voice. “Monitor him through the night! Fetch me if he stops breathing again!”

It was only once you heard the affirmative did you relax. Which lasted a moment before the centurion turned you around so you were facing him. His gaze was hard and his arms were crossed over his chest. Unlike the men before, the centurion was wearing his full armor, save for his helmet, another thing you were thankful for. You were not easily intimidated, but this man? He could crack you like a peanut.

After a moment of sizing you up, his eyes trailing from your clothes, so different from his own, with trousers instead of a tunic and a graphic t-shirt in an alphabet he knew, but words he couldn’t understand, to your green dyed hair. He didn’t seem impressed. In fact, he seemed suspicious.

“Lucius Marianus.” Unfurling one of his hands, he held it for you to shake.

With an awkward smile, you took his hand and introduced yourself. His grip grew a bit tighter at the sound of your obviously foreign name. You fought the urge to run away.

“A pleasure, Marianus.” This time, you called him by his second name, determined not to make the same mistake as earlier with a less forgiving man.

“Where are you from?” Quick and to the point, you could respect that. Logically, you knew that this wasn’t real, that ultimately, this was your dream and you held all the power, but there was a little voice in the back of your head telling you to be careful. “Are you a citizen, a slave, or a free-man?”

Licking your dry lips, you let your hand fall to your side, shoving it in your pocket before Marianus could see that you had begun to shake. “I am from a country far away. Across the western sea, farther than any have ever gone. I am a citizen of my country, but not of Rome, and I am no slave, so I suppose that makes me a free-man.”

“You suppose?” He pursed his lips and raised an eyebrow. “Well, I ‘suppose’ I won’t assume you’re a liar and a runaway. If I hadn’t just witnessed that…” Marianus paused, searching for the right word, and you hoped it would be one you recognized. “Technique of yours, I would figure just that. Tell me, medicus, what exactly did you do to one of my men?”

“I, uh…” Your tongue felt too big for your mouth. Whatever answer you gave this man, it better be satisfactory. All you could hope for was that the truth would be enough. “His heart was no longer beating, so I pressed upon his chest as hard as I could in the same rhythm that his heart would take.”

Marianus nodded, his expression contemplative. “And the kiss?”

“It was not a kiss!” The words burst forth before you could stop them, your face flaring even hotter. This entire conversation was reminiscent of one you would have with your father, and Marianus’ disapproval was getting to you more than it should. “I was breathing air into his lungs. I inhale, pinch his nose shut so the air doesn’t escape through his sinuses, and then blow into his mouth. If his chest rises, I am doing the procedure correctly.”

“Still, an intimate gesture to bestow upon a stranger.” His lips twitched upwards ever so slightly. You got the feeling he was teasing you now. “From what I can gather, this technique of yours mimics the functions of life in order to coaxe the spirit back into its vessel.”

You blinked, opening your mouth to argue with scientific facts. A beat passed before you snapped your jaw shut with an audible click. Better to not look a gift horse in the mouth. “I, uh, yes. It does. That is exactly it. You are a very intelligent man, Marianus, perhaps a career in medicine is calling your name.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere, medicus.”

An awkward grimace pulled at your lips. “Right.”

Marianus was both unmoved and undeterred by your lame response. You expected him to leave you be. After all, despite the fact that you saved one of his men from drowning, you were still an outsider to both the village, the army, and Rome. In your head, he owed you nothing, all you did was your duty and you expected nothing in return. Marianus seemed to think otherwise.

“Where have you been sleeping, medicus?” With a sharp nod of his head, he gestured to your duffel bag and drying clothes. “I assume outside in the heat considering how poorly you are spoken of in town. Looking and speaking as you do, it’s no wonder anyone is hesitant to even allow you to sleep in their barn.” Again, the edges of his mouth curled upwards. “You are far more useful than previously anticipated. For once, I am happy to have my assumptions proven false.”

“Um, thanks?”

“Fetch your belongings, there are more men waiting to be your patients back at camp.”

You blinked, dumbfounded, before a sharp raise of Marianus’ black eyebrows broke you from your spell. If there were more people to be treated, you didn’t have to be told twice. With a bit of pep in your step, excited to have something to do rather than waste away in tedium, you stuffed your, now dry, clothes into your bag and slung it over your shoulder. Marianus eyed it with no small amount of reservation.

“Do you carry any weapons?”

You thought about your taser and pepper spray tactically placed in an easy to reach pocket on the side. “No. As a doctor, I consider myself a pacifist.”

Marianus snorted. “A good way to die.”

“Better to die giving life than taking it,” You replied easily. This wasn’t a lie. While you didn’t fault other’s for violence — how could you fault human nature? — you would rather heal before harm. A part of you hoped to balance the scales, do enough good to make the bad seem worth it. It was a lofty goal, one you tried not to dwell on. So long as you managed to help even a single person in your life, you would be happy, though you’d never confine yourself to such a meager goal. “If you don’t mind me asking, do your men not already have a doctor to treat them? Why take on a stranger’s help?”

“We did. He is no longer with us.”

You frowned. “A shame. Lose one soldier, and you only lose one man. Lose a doctor and your losses double. I never met him, but I’ll remember him fondly.”

“You’re soft. It’s a shame.” His words made you raise your eyebrows, and, when you looked at him, there was pity in his dark eyes, though it was only there for a second.

Marianus clamped his hand on the back of your neck and began to steer you in the direction of the camp. With few trees in sight, only lush farms and tall grass, the countryside was a sight to behold. You glanced over your shoulder to see the river and the village disappearing in the distance. While the road the two of you walked on was dirt, it was well trodden, no stones or holes to trip over. This truly was the Roman Empire. How your mind managed to conjure an image so beautiful and so unmistakably alien was beyond you.

“Has there been anyone caring for the injured?” You asked.

“Our veterinarius has been doing what he can, though I don’t like it. These are men, not animals.” To punctuate his displeasure, Marianus spit on the ground.

You nodded placatingly as you approached the first cluster of tents. Some of the soldiers recognized you, though you didn’t recognize them in return. Word traveled fast when you save someone’s life, you supposed. “I’m sure he’s doing his best.”

“His best is not enough,” Marianus grumbled.

Before you could respond, the stench of infection and sick filled your senses. If you hadn’t done clinicals or worked in healthcare while you completed your studies, it would have caught you off guard. Instead of blanching, you took your last deep breath of clean air, and braced yourself as much as you could. Marianus almost seemed impressed by the determination on your face as you pulled back the flap of the tent, joining a frazzled looking man — the veterinarius, you assumed — in his rounds.

All you could do was your best, and you intended for that to be enough.

Even as a student, you had steeled your heart to the worst suffering had to offer. Growing up as you did, with parents more interested in results than feelings, it became all too easy to turn off your bleeding heart and do what was necessary. By now, it was as simple as breathing.

Your bedside manner was gentle as you helped a few men, too injured to move, drink water from a ladle. If you were any less busy, you would have insisted it be boiled. Marianus would likely scold you, it was unrealistic for an entire century to boil water for every sick man, let alone every soldier, no matter how sound your advice was. Posca would do for now, as it always had.

For hours, you worked tirelessly, cleaning wounds and calming fevers. You were lucky modern medicine wasn’t all that you studied. In order to help as many people as you could, you focused on ancient and holistic practices as well, though you had an easy preference for the tried and true methods. There was no denying that you were a medical prodigy, a genius for all intents and purposes. It wasn’t that you had an ego — well, maybe you did — it was the fact that it was the truth. You had graduated college before you had turned eighteen and gone through medical school soon after. Right now, you were the youngest student going through their surgical residency in your state, perhaps even the country if you dared to let your pride swell. All of this, your parents would call their doing, that you would be nothing without their guidance.

You grimaced in the middle of setting a skinny man’s broken arm. Better not think about them now, it would only serve to stress you out even further. For all your skill, you caught yourself floundering inside the medical tent, Marianus watching from the entrance as you flitted from patient to patient, and the veterinarius sitting back to take a much needed break. While you had some supplies on you — a stethoscope, a sphygmomanometer, a Taylor hammer, none of which you’d utilized yet, a bottle of antiseptic, some ibuprofen, and three clean syringes — it wasn’t enough for you to feel comfortable. Which was ridiculous, this was your dream, you could do whatever you wanted.

Then again, if that was true, then why were you fumbling through even simple procedures? You didn’t feel comfortable using more invasive methods, not unless you had no other choice. The likelihood of survival was low, even with your steady hands. Perhaps this was a nightmare, a look into what life will be like once you were done with your schooling. Your slumbering mind was preparing you to be the failure you were always meant to be.

Shaking your head, you focused your attention back on your patient. No one seemed to notice your lapse, not even you. You were quite good at multitasking, mixing self-deprecation with stringent work ethic like a talented seamster. The skinny man was lucky it was a clean break, and even luckier, it wasn’t his humerus, which would have been more complicated given your lack of equipment. A bit of sweat trickled down your forehead as you stood, surveying the men around you. You had done well given the circumstances, but you still couldn’t help but feel as though it wasn’t enough.

Nothing was ever enough.

Even dreaming, you felt tired.

Three men had infected wounds. One was oozing pus, which apparently was a good thing according to the veterinarius and Marianus, though you still took care to clean the wound thoroughly. Another man had a fever due to the infection, and, after washing your hands, you took care to clean it as the other. After much reassurance that it wasn’t poison to Marianus — consisting of taking one yourself — you also gave him an ibuprofen for his fever, though you decided you were going to ration them unless it was an emergency. The third man was a bit harder, enough necrotic tissue forming around the infection that you considered surgery. For now, you introduced maggots to the area, a treatment Marianus seemed to approve of, if not with some disgust. In the morning, you would check the wound, and then surgically remove the decayed flesh if the maggots didn’t do enough.

Four men had broken bones, one, his arm, another, his finger, and two, their leg. That was simple enough, if not time consuming getting all the bone fragments to set properly. While you would have much preferred a cast to a splint, beggars couldn’t be choosers.

That wasn’t even to mention the handful of other men with various ailments that filled the tent. Apparently there was someone quarantined elsewhere, suffering from dysentery. According to the veterinarius, the treatment for that particular disease was rest, fasting, and dehydration, which you were in the middle of giving him strict instructions to keep the man as hydrated as possible, it didn’t matter how quickly he discharged it, he needed to be drinking as much water as he could. You didn’t hold out much hope he’d make it, though you’d be damned before you gave up on someone who needed you.

It wasn’t until Marianus clamped his hand on the back of your neck and began to steer you towards the tent’s exit did you realize how exhausted you were. Your eyes burned and your head throbbed. If you were any less of a man, you would have taken one of your ibuprofen to ease the dull ache in your temples. Ultimately, you decided against it. If there came a time when they were necessary and you had run out because of your own weakness, you would never forgive yourself.

“You did well, medicus. Better than I expected, you are very skilled at what you do,” Marianus said as he led you deeper into camp. By now, it was dark, well into the night too judging from the full moon directly overhead.

How long had you been working?

“Thank you. I am usually better than that. I fear my nerves of being in such an unfamiliar country are getting to me.” With the heel of your palm, you scrubbed at your face.

Marianus frowned down at you. “Keep your foreignness to yourself, medicus and you will go far. Though, that will be hard to do with hair like yours.” He looked you up and down, hesitant curiosity creeping into his features. “That strange color… it is not natural, is it?”

A laugh bubbled from your throat. “No, I dyed it. Green is a color I am rather fond of.”

“I am fond of red, but you do not see me painting my hair that color,” He grumbled under his breath, and it reminded you so much of the comments some of your superiors made, that you giggled.

Before you could respond, he gestured to a tent with an outstretched arm. A lantern was on inside, casting the shadow of the single occupant, who was busy sitting cross-legged and writing what seemed to be a letter. While you had reservations of interrupting, Marianus did not.

“Out here, now, boy!” The shadow visibly jumped before pulling back the flap to reveal Aelius. He looked as tired as you did, and truthfully, he stank to high heaven. You struggled not to wrinkle your nose so as not to offend him. Aelius seemed like a nice man.

“Sir?” Was all he managed before Marianus continued to bark his next set of orders.

“Since the two of you were acquainted earlier, and the fact that you were supposed to be monitored, you’ll be bunking together. In the morning, we set a course for Rome.”

You blinked. Did that include you? While you wouldn’t mind getting out of the village and seeing more of what this dream had to offer, you couldn’t help but feel a bit of uncertainty. There was no telling how long this dream would go on, nor how vast it was. You couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if you strolled ‘out of bounds,’ so to speak. Would you be trapped in an infinite void until you awoke? The thought was enough to send a chill down your spine.

“And I will remain here,” You finally said.

Marianus barked out a laugh. “No. You will join us. I still have a use for you.”

As much as you didn’t want to abandon your current patients, you would rather not push your luck any further than you already had. Crossing your arms, you met Marianus’ furrowed brows with your own. “And that use would be?”

To your right, Aelius made a little noise. Your gaze flickered over to him, catching his motion for you to cease, before you ignored it and fixated back on Marianus. He was looking at you like you’d lost your mind. At least enough to question him. A bit of discomfort made your skin itch, you always hated earning the negative attention of a superior.

For a moment, you feared that Marianus would yell at you until the sun rose. He puffed up, shoulders squaring and his lower jaw jutting out before he deflated with a sigh, pinching the bridge of his angular nose. “You are too soft for the army, medicus, and you are too foreign to hope to set up your own clinic, especially without citizenship. There is very little hope for you in the Empire.”

You looked away, feeling cold even as a summer’s breeze blew against your skin. An argument began to boil in the back of your throat, an insistence that this was a dream, so none of that mattered, but you managed to swallow that poison before it could spew out of you.

Marianus paused, waiting for you to respond. When all he received was a defeated look, he continued, “There is, however, hope for both me and you. The emperors require a new physician and I believe they would be taken by your skill and your…” He looked at your hair again. “Novelty. In return for discovering you, if they choose to take you on, me and my men will be rewarded.”

“I see,” You muttered. Perhaps this was the route your dream wanted you to take. At the end of it all, there was sure to be a lesson or even a vision of sorts that could help you in reality. All you had to do to get it was allow the plot to pull you forward. “And Rome is not far?”

Marianus’ features softened, bordering on fondness, guilt, and pity. “Barely a day’s march, medicus.”

“I will go, then. To Rome with me, I suppose.” Though you smiled, when you turned to Aelius, he stared at you as if you’d been sentenced to death.

—————————————-

Tag list: @snazzynacho

[middlingmay]

Thanks to everyone who gave me advice on side-blogging versus main blog!

So, if you don't already know, I kind of do my own original writing, too. And I've promised myself this is the year I start to put it out there and hopefully publish my first piece of fiction.

A huge part of this has been writing my main fic, That Ol' Devil Called Love. Because it's kind of proved to myself that I can write novel-length pieces if I'm obsessed with them enough <3

Big thanks to @avonne-writes @amiserableseriesofevents and @jjubilee-fluff for being so encouraging on my earlier post looking for advice, and smooches to @soliloquy-dawn who's had eyes on an old draft of my main original work and shared their very lovely feedback.

SO. If that's not your thing and you're here for MOTA, or any of the other fandom content I blog, then I'll be tagging posts with my original work with the tag #original writing. and the name of whatever piece it is I'm posting that day. Creative, I know. But just in case anyone wants to filter it out :)

Here's a little taster for my main work, called All Grown-ups Must Die, set in 1960s Scotland:

.

She was silhouetted against the headlights. They were the only source of light on the back road.

Mama would be raging at her, being out so late.

The thought floated in some quiet space in her mind. It erased the pricks of rocks and pebbles and stones digging into her palms and carving a home for themselves in her knees. The car radio continued to spit out soft sounds.

The night we met I knew I, Needed you so. And if I had the chance I’d, Never let you go.

She watched the gnarled and matted mass of her hair catch the nighttime breeze. All her oils and sprays hadn’t held up to their end of the bargain. She laughed once. It was a gasping, rough sound. Maybe mama would writer her a letter to the manufacturer. Of all the things she’d had to endure tonight, she could have done without the split ends and tangles.

Her wrists were red and stinging. Her nails were scuffed and several were broken ragged. Her favourite ring—a sapphire that mama got from her mam, and her mam, and her mam—was covered in a dark splotch.

“-Enny?” The tinny voice crackled into life through the open door of the idling car. “Benny? –ick up…radio!”

Benny sat back on her heels. The spike of one pressed against the small of her back. If felt good, grounding. She gradually took stock of the cooling and sticky blood speckled on her skin and splashed in her hair.

So won’t you please, Be my, be my baby? Be my little baby, My one and only baby.

A leg hung out of the car on the driver’s side. She hauled in a ragged gasp of air and bared her teeth, pearly against her skin and the blood, in a snarl.

“Benny! Hey – give it!”

“Benny? Pick up the radio Benny. Will���fucking gonnae drive faster!”

Benny dragged and scraped her palms and shins as she crawled across the dirt and gravel road. Little pricks of pain left a red, spotted line chartering her progress towards the car, like a treasure map.

[cuppajj]

Is this the ask box? If not I'm so sorry I'm not used to tumblr literally only got it to follow your au. It's great btw love everything about it.

But anyways can I bonk Dragonberry on the head with a stick to get her attention and say hi, but with a really long stick so I'm not close to her when I do so? She's my favorite but she's scary and I while I would prefer to write her a letter but I don't want her to have my return address.

Also I've had my own au in the works but never actually bothered to start writing or properly figuring things out till after coming across your au which inspired me to start doing so and I just wanna know how you set everything up and figure out how to use who where and how you split stuff into arcs? I currently have 2 arcs based on the continent one being Crispia and the other being Beast-Yeast and both have chapters but Beast-Yeast is becoming a lot longer than Crispia due to how my au is set up and the fact the canon Beast-Yeast storyline isn't fully out and I was just wondering if you have any advice on what's best to do? I do want to eventually post my au and I've already gotten to work on the designs but I don't know the best approach to make it into something that others who are unfamiliar can understand.

Also sorry this turned out kinda long!

You can!! Though would advise against using the stick bc if she feels like it she could grab it and fling you while you’re still holding it

As for your second question about how I use arcs, it really just boils down to being a way to manage all the characters that are in the AU. Each saga focuses on one beast (including their respective of the original 5), the protag who is usually related to them in some way, and whatever story takes place in that specific arc alone. They’re meant to be mostly self contained, but they’d feed into a bigger narrative. The Vanilla Saga is a little different because while it’s technically self contained, Crepe as the main main character dabbles in a little bit of everything; but only crepe (also choco technically). You’re not likely to see Princess in the Lily Saga unless the two stories surrounding Dragonberry and Midnight Lily overlap.

I do have plans for sagas to overlap before the “all stories converge for the final saga” part, for example the Vanilla and Berry sagas will converge in Parfaedia well before that, but that would be a single story arc before they split up again. Some sagas can/would share the same events but would still largely be self contained.

Im going off on a ramble here but basically, BAAU’s sagas are just info management lol. With so many characters and stories to handle, it would be very confusing and bad if all of them were crossing over at every turn. When you’ve got a plot line that can serve as its own thing, it’s easier to tell where pieces of information belongs.

So that being said I should really start tagging the sagas in some of my baau posts 😭😭😭

[colourfultears]

frank iero guitar yap post

hello...i am still trying to figure out what the hell i am doing with this blog because i truthfully am so super new to tumblr and don't really get what i'm doing.. BUT i know a lot about guitar so i will scream into the void i guess!

i'm gonna put a cut because i think this will be long and its mostly just for me anyways LOL :D

so i've been playing guitar for around like 8-ish years because my parents put me in lessons really young, but i started off playing classical (nylon strings, tchaikovsky arrangements, the whole shebang), but i really didn't improve at all because i simply didn't give a fuck about the instrument until i became an epic teenager

but i moved music academies, moving to electric guitar and starting piano around 2 years ago. so fun!

anyways, all of this prologue to say that essentially guitar, piano, music, as a whole has become my entire life and the only thing i really spend my spare time fixated on.

a few months ago, my teacher suggested that i get a new guitar because i had grown out of the shitty $200 (AUD hahahah) strat i was playing on, so i looked towards some higher quality options and after playing almost every guitar in the shop, i eventually ended up buying an epiphone les paul custom in the ebony colourway.

HERE IS WHERE IT GETS RELEVANT LOL: ray and frank are huge proponents of the epiphone LP lines (in that, they play them live and in recording) which i always found so fascinating because, why not the better...higher-end...gibson...original??

for anyone that might not know but might care :P, gibson (a guitar manufacturer) were the original producers of les paul style guitars. epiphone (another guitar manufacturer) produces REPLICAS of gibson guitars. the biggest difference?, the price (some would argue quality, but that price tag is pretttyyy crazy to me..). gibson guitars are handcrafted in america, and are therefore much more expensive, selling in australia, typically, for upwards of 5-6k, but reaching bounds of like 9000 dollars :O WHEREAS,,, epiphone LP's are mass produced in china, retailing for a USUAL max of 2-3k, but very possibly lower than that.

but yeah, frank's famous 'pansy' guitar is an epiphone les paul custom in the alpine white cw. it's important to note that there are literally only two colours available for this particular guitar.

i know that frank owns both colourways of the lp custom, obviously the pansy guitar, and i'll link some pics of the ebony one he owns too!!:

i looooove the sweet sweet joyous whimsical beautiful pansy, but i am such a sucker for this colourway, and i accept my ultra bias because i own it LOL.

when it comes to ray, he owns epiphone LP's but he seems to lean towards the standard line instead of the custom line, for a more classic kinda feel. you can definitely tell his personal taste in guitars especially through the finishes he chooses like hahaha i wouldn't be caught dead playing a cherry burst, but he absolutely fucking rocks it. it reminds me a lot of him in that one interview talking about how his roots in playing guitar are in metallica, pantera, and whatnot and. maaaaaann you can feel it in how he plays but also in the guitars he picks.

in my personal taste, i would literally kill to have frank's collection but also i HAAAATE the SG body shape and he owns a couple (i think..) like...stop...before i get violently ill. i find them so incredibly ugly, sorry patrick stump! abysmal collection, i still love u tho king xx

ANYWAYS THERE WAS NO POINT TO THIS IDK I DON'T UNDERSTAND TUMBLR OK THANKS BYE

[aurorawritestoescape]

Get to know your moots

Thank you for the tags, lovelies @milla-frenchy @tateypots @toxicanonymity @sunshineispunk @itwasntimethatdidit40 @sawymredfox @iamasaddie @thundermartini @joelmillerisapunk 😘 I loved reading your answers, friends, you’re all so amazing and cool, I don’t deserve you😍 I know I’m horribly late, I’ve been shy tbh, but I decided to play and I’m bringing you cats to make my yapping more entertaining😽

What's the origin of your blog title? I came up with it in 5 seconds bc my Libra ass needs to do something fast otherwise I’d never make a decision. The name Aurora just came to me, I think it’s beautiful, and the ‘writestoescape’ part is why I’m here, in the delulu land

OTP(s) + Shipname: me and Joel, me and Javi, me and Frankie and every other Pedro boy except for Max Lord yuck!

Favourite colour: all shades of pink under the sun

Favourite game: Overwatch. I haven’t played in a hot minute but I love it.

Song stuck in your head: timezone by Måneskin

Weirdest habit/trait? I love talking to myself. It helps me to reflect on situations. Or I just make myself laugh.

Hobbies: writing, reading, drawing, tumblr-ing, making moodboards and edits on Canva.

If you work, what's your profession? teacher

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be? I wish not to work but to leisure, write, read and be silly.

Something you're good at: letting things go, listening

Something you're bad at: doing anything under stress, staying cool when ppl get on my nerves

Something you love: my family, my friends

Something you could talk about for hours off the cuff: Joel Miller, fanfiction, myself lol but tbh I’m not a big talker

Something you hate: that would be a long list bc I can complain about anything at any given moment lol but let’s say rude ppl, disrespect, small talk, entitlement, cold weather, phone/app interface updates, red footwear on men

Something you collect: unfinished wips ahah *cries I don't collect anything but I noticed that when I see a cute, fun toy for my kid, I need to buy it for her us and we have so many now, it’s a problem

Something you forget: to drink water, the importance of sleep

What's your love language? quality time

Favourite movie/show: I’m a tv show girlie, and there’re so many that I love but let’s go with friends, community, the last of us, the office, parks and rec, you, midnight mass

Favourite food: pasta, lasagna, pizza, all Italian food actually and tom yum

Favourite animal: all baby animals, they’re sooo cute.

What were you like as a child? Shy, quiet, stubborn, manipulative

Favourite subject at school? literature

Least favorite subject? maths

What's your best character trait? I’m reliable and funny in my opinion

What's your worst character trait? I’m egoistic, short tempered and can say a lot of bad stuff that makes me feel guilty afterwards. Also I’m grumpy af.

If you could change any detail of your day right now what would it be? I’d sleep for three hours longer in the mornings, spend my days in the sun and have no worries at all.

If you could travel in time who would you like to meet? I’d love to meet my grandparents and my parents to see what they were like when they were younger

Recommend one of your favourite fanfics (spread the love!): check out the tag #fic rec🔥on my blog to see what stories I loved but I cannot not mention my man, my love, my everything Nightwalks Joel by @toxicanonymity ❤️ I’d say go read the series NOW but I’m a jealous girlie and he’s MINE!! / kidding, I recommend it so so much!!🥵😍🤤🤤🤤

Tagging you🫵 if by any chance you haven’t done it yet

[bloopitynoot]

Reading TGCF: Chapter Twenty-Four

For those who don't know, I am reading TGCF for the first time and sharing my thoughts!

If you have not read it, there will be spoilers! Consider this a warning.

Also- if you want to follow along, I am aiming to post updates daily. You can find all the posts in the tag Bloopitynoot reads TGCF. You can also check out the intro post for context on my read BUT if you followed along with my SVSSS read, the rules and vibe are the same.

I am having the most chill Saturday. My plans were cancelled (sadness BUT) which means I do not have to leave the house. So instead I made soup, caught up on my shows, and read a chapter while the sun was still up! I'm over here in my retirement era (not really, I am not even close to retirement) the grandparent energy is the vibe I'm putting out in the world today.

Today's tea: apple crumble (it's a black tea with dried apple and it is lovely).

okay chapter 24:

The cuteness: "I don't now how you managed to befriend him, but you're very lucky" ... "Really? Maybe. I think so too." p265

The wind master over here throwing Pei Ming under the bus for "lax security "is incredible. He's such a good pal for changing the narrative on Xie Lian's behalf. p267

"The real problem was stubbornly proclaiming yourself the only one responsible for the Gilded Banquet Massacre" honestly this is not wrong. Though, I don't know what it is, but I am having weird feelings about Jun Wu's character. Like I don't think he's a decent guy. It's a vibe, not sure what yet. p269

This is now the second vague warning from Jun Wu that Hua Cheng cannot be trusted and is a super dangerous entity. I really want to know; 1. what Jun Wu is hiding and 2. what is Hua Cheng's origin story. pp270-271

I don't know why, but I feel the loss of the maple trees in my soul. That's so sad. just a constant physical reminder of the passage of time and literally everyone you knew and loved being long dead. pp272-273

This mausoleum is stunning; the night pearls! p275

I was going to talk about how emotional the talk with Xie Lian's parents was, but then shit started to happen??!! Who are these people?? p279

Jeeze, I really hate Qi Rong. This poor kid just basically lost his father and was going to end up as a snack if not for Xie Lian. p280

Oh fuck. I really hope Xie Lian didn't "kill" Qi Rong, I feel so bad for this kid. If he did, this is one hell of a villain origin story. p283.

I have officially made it to arc 2!!!

Like is usual with MXTX, almost every chapter is a cliff hanger- his one included. I mean, makes sense for a web novel but dang does it make it hard to not want to read ahead!

[martyryo]

Okay

I don't do..anons. so yes, just gonna ask this as me‼️ Hello‼️‼️

When

Right okay, I saw your art like the yellow red one right and I saw you talking about your tulpa in that and it took me a second cause at first I thought you were doing a Collab with someone and I was looking for a tagged account or something 😭😭 and then I was like hang on it's not been tagged so it can't be that. And then I saw the hashtag about the tulpa thing and my brain was like, I've heard that term before. And I had, but it was cause of Supernatural. Think the episode was Hell House, either way in that course some kids draw a sigil and don't know what they're doing, spread a rumour and enough people see the sigil and believe the made up story for it to become real. I'm gonna hazard a guess that this isn't what's happening here. Cause 1. No axe murderers are present and 2...idk. suppose it wasn't on accident lol

But basically, what I'm asking is, what's gone on? Like please could you define what a tulpa is cause I'm a tad bit confuseled. I've got a grasp. A jist if you will. But yeh, that, and how it works for you and how long all this has been about for because yeh, the original post confused me a lot and I had no context to understand what was going on lol

Hiii!!!!!

Ok so, never watched supernatural cause I lack media culture, but I looked at the fandom wiki and I assure you it's NOTHING like that 😭

Ik the practice of creating a tulpa comes from buddhism and is related to religion and stuff, but like I found out about it through an online friend back in 2017ish cause they developed one. Needles to say, in these cases we're talking about the western interpretation of the phenomenon that is mainly psychological and not spiritual.

With a tulpa you bascially create a sentient being on a subconscious level that shares the body with you. Please note that this is not in any way related to conditions such as DID, as you do not have the splitting of a subconscious, you actually add more of them into a body. And an important aspect that separates tulpae from alters is that with a tulpa you're fully aware and consensual with having a second person inside the body, you will never accidentally develop a tulpa out of the blue.

To make an example also, imagine there's a wheel with a hamster inside, they represent respectively the body and the subconscious mind that inhabits it. Now imagine there are more hamsters but they're in the same wheel. That's a body with more subconsciouses (I might be butchering this word I'm so sorry).

Needless to say, doing this requires a long trail of meditation, as one needs to focus on everything they perceive out of a person normally (the way they look, talk, move, smell. you get it, everything) and obviously their personality. These things do change with time once the tulpa settles as a stable part of the host's (the one who creates them) life, but at least sketching down the idea of the person that you're creating helps in the overall process.

Ok so. The most important part. A tulpa is NOT evil, and cannot be evil. That's something I found out in the guides I followed at the start of my journey with my first tulpa. They have no reason to turn over their creator cause they are meant to be companions. I'm not super informed on the theory thing now cause I got into it two years ago and since then we've just been living, but there articles online who talk about this so feiughirgh

Now, in my experience Jack came to be part of my life around two years ago, on july 9th. I was going through a weird depressive period where I would not talk to anybody and felt like shit over nothing. During that time I also used to watch fight club a lot, like three times a week, and grew obsessively attached to the characters to the point all I thought about was fc (this feels so weird to remember omg). Anyways, remembered about my friend with the tulpa, and decided to do the same thing. So I got informed on the procedure and gradually managed to develop Jack over time :3

On the 27th of Trevor also started developing, in his case it was Jack that went throughout the major part of the creation process cause I was busy with school, but yeah since then it's been the three of us living life yk.

Also, I obviously got better since that summer, them being with me helped me out a lot and obviously I didn't create them with the intent of getting. Free experimental therapy or some shit. They are part of me and I love them ver very much, knowing that they're always with me brings a sense of sheer comfort in my life. I just love my bros man. Then again, I suck at communication so there are days when we talk less. nonetheless we still interact via concepts or through the headspace (mental landscape where they pretty much live when not fronting).

Oh, also lately we've been aware of the fact that Jack is kinda always fronting (fronting is having control of the body btw kewnkfkgb) during the day when we are in silence at a school or on the bus, while I am the one that keeps the conversations with people (ironic ik). Trevor instead has no interest in the outside world, he just stays in the headspace and works as a mechanic apparently (he doesn't tell me where his workplace is also??? like for no reason at all also, I can't find that fucking place no matter how much I roam around).

Ough ok I know I sound a bit insane saying those things, but that's how it is 💨

With tulpamacy there are so many aspects one can discuss, but again, there are guides online where everything you need to know is explained, and they are explained better than whatever ramble I'm putting down here. I'm not an expert of the field, I just happen to be living it yk.

Sorry for the long and I guess confusing post, there is much more stuff I could tell you about but like. I think this manages to get the overall idea of how we work out 😸

[cherrydipp]

hi guys heres my melvin dipp headcanons cuz i cant remember if i ever posted them. been accumulating them for a while now so ignore the poor quality its normally just me ranting whenever i had a thought

- originally tried out for the football but didn’t make it. instead, he joined the track team hence why ponyboy is his number 1 opp.

- brings up sergei whenever he can. “nobody even likes you melvin 😒😒” “SERGEI DOES. 😡” whenever he isn’t around he also accidentally mentions their inside jokes only to be met with pure silence while he laughs by himself… “ts wasnt even funny” “SERGEI IS THE ONYL 1 WHO GETS IT 😡😡😡😡”

- in modern day would be an ipad kid. blockblast brainrotted. bullies kids on fortnite squads gamechat. he tried to play COD but ended up crying when all the grown male adults bullied him in gamechat

- light freckles around his nose and cheeks (very few and VERY light)

- was gifted a pickup line book as a gag gift one year for his birthday… would use the cheesy lines on ace but SERIOUSLY. like hes leaning against the wall and mewwing just to say “if you were a fart, i’d clench you so hard to never let you go 😏” she stared at him in disgust.

- tagteams chet with sergei.

- more outgoing/extroverted but this isn’t necessarily a good thing.

- nevel papperman coded…

- MELVIN DIPP. i whole heartedly stand by melvin being trips younger brother. it’s the reason he tags along every now and then with the socs. seen by them sort of how steve sees ponyboy i’d assume like a tag-a-long. (Brie Leftwich is diaBOLICAL for leading people to believe melvin is chet’s little brother. that’s his OPP!)

- seth from superbad variant

- would have some weird fuck ass pet because his grandma doesn���t want fur everywhere. probably a bird or a gecko.

- melvin is actually dying to be like trip and his friends. he acts annoyed when his grandma makes him go out with trip (hands in pockets puffing out his cheeks WHY) but in reality he’s secretly excited. even if that means he’s just going to be either picked on or ignored the entire time.

- gumball waterson scream: full of voice cracks and high pitched yet hitting puberty scream

- trip when all he can see when he looks melvin is himself despite them being from different dads and looking nothijg alike. its his mannerisms and the way hes become to dependent on cigarettes to get him buzzed reminds trip of himself and alcohol 😴😴😴😴 sinilar bruises blooming over his ribs and cheeks a tell tale sign that hes been getting into fights he cant win 😴😴😴 worrying that the younger is gonna end up in the newspaper the next morning cuz hes digging himself a grave

- melvin has a lisp. he was born with it and did the public school speech classes which somewhat worked but his progress all went to waste cuz of his teeth. he had originally messed up teeth — not to bad but it was bad enough where he had to get it fixed. so when he got braces they literally FUCKED him over. being teased left and right by bob and the others, making fun of his mouth full of metal. not to mention his lisp was still lingering so it just added on. when he finally got them off, he thought he was free at last… little did he know he would have to wear a retainers at night so his teeth don’t revert back. HOWEVER. his grandma FORCES him to wear it ALL THE TIME cuz she’s so worried about all the money she put into those “pearly whites” going to waste. so he has a more noticeable lisp (than he already did because he had one growing up) because of the metal retainer. which, of course, the socs all poke fun at him for. especially when hes pissing them off.

chet: “melvin ‘thut’ the fuck up you ‘thupid’ bitch”

melvin: “😥”

- most definitely one of his weak points. he shuts up as soon as it’s mentioned and his ears/face turn red. FURROWING HIS EYEBROWS. this guy mad ash!!!

- alvin chipmunk variant

- kevin g variant

- gumball waterson variant

- xyler (cosmic earth trip) variant

- sergei and melvin = kurt and ram

- slightly fraser wrwwr coded… very very very slightly……..

- GREG HEFFLEY VARIANT.

- prefers math over reading. he doesn’t really have the attention span to sit around and read a whole novel or scan articles to find evidence. plus, the teacher’s lessons go by soooo slow. math just comes easy to him to the point where he doesn’t need to study and can still achieve a passing grade.

- his eyebrows are permanently furrowed. its so bad boy why do you always look mad as HELL. most of the time it’s pretty subtle but his go to reaction face is DISGUSTED. why are you so judgeMENTAL BOY.

- he would be team logan paul

- tends to jump/threaten greasers who are bigger than him. he thinks he’s tough — thinks he can take them all on his own without anyone’s help, but of course in the end he’s wrong. trip ends up searching around town to find him lying in the lot or in some dingey alley bruised with dried blood on his face. he doesn’t know exactly the reason why he always needs to fight. he just does. it’s an urge that he can’t sustain. maybe it’s to prove something about himself, or to relieve some stress, but glory even Melvin doesn’t know why he’s so reckless. doesn’t know why he ignored Trip’s stern demand to stay home, or why he runs into the rumble. afterward, however, trip checking on melvin after the rumble as he sleeps like peaking his head in and stuff too make sure hes alright 😴😴😴 he was the one to fix him up and tend to his wounds and had been not so silently freaking out the entire time, guilt for the situation coming out in his frustration as melvin continues to tell him he doesnt need help 😴😴😴

- sergei and melvin bromosexual they joke around like regular highschool boys.

- personally, i don’t think ace likes melvin back especially with the way tilly and melody make it out to be. it’s just like a teen boy crush (celebrity crush almost really in a sense), so he’s trying to hit her up and she just glares at him before turning away. he would definitely tell sergei about her though and how he finds her attractive.

- very set on ponyboy and melvin parallels. both on the track team, both strained relationship with their older brother, both no parents, etcetc. also both are CHRONIC smokers. but for different reasons. MELVIN IS NOT THE END OF THE CYCLE. (read dipp brothers lore in case you don’t know). sergei HATES when he smokes strictly because of the smell. it’s terrible and it always lingers on the blond’s clothing.

[crowsofdarkness]

Soldat: Chapter Seven

-gif not mine. credit to owner-

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Female Agent! Reader. Slight Steve Rogers x Female Agent! Reader

Content Warnings: language, 18 + implied smut, angst, fluff, kidnapping, violence.

Summary: Agent Y/N has worked alongside Steve Rogers at SHIELD for some time all while keeping a dark secret from everyone. Until one day that darkness faces her head on and she's forced to make a choice. Continue fighting along side Captain America? Or find her home once again with Soldat?

Authors Note: This was originally published on my old blog as a trilogy so I will be in the slow process of adding it to this blog. This is the first of the trilogy and will take place during The Winter Soldier. If anyone is interested in being tagged, let me know!

Very slight implied smut in this chapter, very tame. Also, there are three chapters left! Once Soldat is complete, I will begin posting the next in the series.

Tags: @globetrotter28 @sakuracyberhex @chinggay85-blog @bookofriverr @misatxox @that-blonde-girl

Soldat Masterlist

Day One 

Eyes fluttered open softly, allowing the light to blind me for a few seconds as I stared up at the crackling ceiling. I followed the lines, hoping that it would lead me to an idea where I was but came up empty as I realized I was in a room with no windows, one door, and the lone cot I was currently laying on. My heart thumped in fear as I tried to remember how I ended up here. 

I was drinking in a bar in Siberia as I was going over my notes for the local terrorist group I was following. I was alone for most of the night until a strange man came up beside me, gun pressed to my side, muttering in my ear that I had to go with him or else.

The last thing I could remember was getting thrown into the back of a van and darkness. The watch on my wrist indicated that happened..

Sixteen hours ago?!

“What the fuck happened to me?” I groaned, clutching my forehead. 

The door clicked open, men dressed in European military uniforms catching my immediate attention. 

“Where am I?” I spoke in the native tongue. 

They ignored me, continuing on with their own conversation and paid no attention as they stood guard at the door, guns slightly drawn. 

Discreetly, I slid my hand down my calf trying to feel if the knife I stashed into my boot was still there. 

“You think we would leave you with a weapon?”

A small man entered the room now, glasses perched high on his nose. He gently removed his hat, handing it to one of the guards before sitting on a chair in front of my cot. 

“Who are you?” I questioned. 

He merely tsk’d before pulling a grey folder from his briefcase. “Y/N L/N. You’ve been an agent with the FBI for almost two years now and you’ve only been on one case. Why is that?” 

“Is that a file on me?” My eyes landed on the file.

“You were on New York SWAT for three years before this but had to leave for ‘different opinions’ pertaining to a rather personal case.” 

“That’s no one's business but my own,” I snapped. “You shouldn’t even have that information.” 

“I’m a very powerful man, Ms. L/N. I have many ways to get the information I want. Just like how you got info about me.” 

“Am I supposed to know who you are?” I squinted my eyes at him. 

“You’ve been looking for me for the last six months. I thought we could finally meet.” He gave me a small smile. 

“Wait,” my eyes widened. “You’re Dr. Zola? I thought you were dead. That’s why it’s been so hard to find you.” 

The older gentleman clicked his tongue against his teeth. “No, not Zola. But his apprentice. You can call me Dr. Berge” 

“Why did you kidnap me? To shut me up?” I crossed my arms over my chest, foot shaking with nerves. 

Dr. Berge handed one of the guards the folder before shaking his head. “Our last student didn’t make it. We needed someone new.” 

“Stu-student?” I stuttered. 

“Yes, for Soldat.” Bergenodded. 

“Soldat?” 

He answered my question with a wave; a new man entered the small room. My tired eyes raked in his appearance from head to toe. He was dressed in combat boots and black cargo pants. His broad chest was covered in a black vest, various pockets that held God only knew what, his long brown hair was falling into his eyes but did nothing to fix it. The only thing that held my gaze, however, was his left arm. It wasn’t like his right; this one was made entirely of metal. 

“Who’s this?” I questioned, voice shaking with fear. 

“Ah Soldat, meet your new student. Hopefully she’ll last longer than the last one.” Berge clapped his hands before leaving the room. 

Soldat remained in place, a few feet away from me, and he slowly nodded to the guards. 

“Leave us,” he demanded in Russian. 

Suddenly, it was just him and I, my fear being the only thing you could feel in the room by my heart beating faster and faster. 

“What am I your student for?” I mustered to ask. 

“To fight.”

Day 23 

“I need a minute,” I gasped for air as I tried to gain some space. 

“You don’t have a minute.” Soldat reminded me as he flipped me over his shoulder, my own falling hard to the mat below. 

It had been a hell of a couple of weeks. I had been captured by who I had come to find was the terrorist group I had been searching for; Hydra. 

Every morning and night, Soldat would come to my room and train me for hours, fighting non stop. I had yet to find out why I was being trained to fight. 

Soldat barely said a word to me during these training sessions. He was instructed to train me not to make small talk. I couldn’t get a read on him, what his story was or how he ended up here. 

“Mother fucker,” I cursed, clutching my shoulder. “I think it’s dislocated.” 

Soldat remained silent, roughly pulling me to my feet and snapped my arm back into place causing a scream to erupt from my throat. 

“That’s enough!” I screamed pushing my palms into his chest. “I’m done! No one has told me why I’m here, getting my ass kicked by a guy with a fucking metal arm!” 

A small smile pulled at his lips and all the anger from being held captive here built up causing me to bring my hand back, wiping that smile off his face with my fist. 

Regret filled me when I saw the quick flash of anger cloud his eyes but his deep laugh relaxed my shoulders a tad. 

“That’s more like it.” He muttered while rubbing his jaw. 

“I already know how to fight. I don’t need someone to teach me,” I admitted, fists clenched at my sides. 

Soldat nodded. “Then next time should be easy for you.” 

Day 37

The chill in the air caused me to wrap the blanket closer to me as I dug myself deeper into the bed that I started calling my own. I was unsure of the time but the tiredness in my bones made me believe it was time to let sleep succumb to me. 

A soft sigh left my lips as my mind wandered yet again to the man that had been clouding it the past few weeks. 

It had been almost two weeks since my last training session with Soldat. He stopped coming by in the mornings and nights which made me wonder if our sessions were over and what that meant for me. 

That thought was short-lived when Berge brought in someone else to train me. He didn’t want me to forget anything while Soldat was away. 

Rumor had it, Hydra sent him away from some mission. 

Besides the one old guard that would bring my food twice a day, Soldat was the only constant thing in this prison that had become my home. 

Heavy eyes fluttered shut, breaths becoming deeper and heavier and the long awaited sleep was so close. But the door to my room slamming open caused my eyes to snap open and I pushed myself to my knees. I watched as Soldat entered, anger clear on his face. 

“Where have you-.” 

The air to my lungs was constricted as Soldat wrapped his metal fingers around my throat, slamming me deeper into the cot. 

I trashed against his body, nails digging into the skin of his flesh arm, not bothering him an inch. I racked my brain for all the training he had taught me to try and get out of this. I attempted to wrap my legs around his waist to flip him but he was two seconds ahead of me, his flesh hand pining my hips down onto the bed. 

My body began to sweat with the fear of what was about to come. 

I wrapped a hand around his metal wrist as I looked into his eyes, the light far gone from them. 

“Soldat,” I choked out. 

The air suddenly rushed back into my lungs causing me to cough uncontrollably as he finally let go, the bruises already starting to form I was sure. 

His hand and hips kept me locked into place on the bed and his other hand gripped my chin, forcing me to look in his eyes. 

“You only train with me. No one else can have you.” His voice demanded through gritted teeth. 

Once I could breathe again, I gave him a sorrowful nod. “I’m sorry.” 

We stayed in this position for a few more beats, his hips locking mine into place while his eyes bore into my own. His chest rose and fell with each breath, mimicking my own in the small tank top I wore; it was one of the few clothes that Hydra had lent me. 

Soldat’s eyes traveled over the swell of my breasts and I felt the heat spread down to my core as he slowly ran his tongue over his bottom lip. 

“Get some sleep. We’re starting early tomorrow,” he breathed before pushing himself off of me. 

The room had a sudden chill to it as soon as he left the room and after wrapping myself into a cocoon with my blanket, I found myself falling asleep wishing it was his arms

Day 56

Chains dragged behind me as I followed the path the two guards were leading me on. We turned a corner and continued down another long hallway. They had dragged me out of bed this morning, muttering something about getting some “fresh air”. 

I chuckled at their definition of fresh air; it was a small sunroom with a few potted plants and one large bench seat. Thankfully the bright sunlight beamed through the glass windows, spreading warmth into my skin. 

“Ten minutes,” one of the guards demanded while tossing me a book. 

They took their post on the outside of the door, backs turned to me, and I opted for not reading the book deciding I would rather stare out of the windows. This was the first time in almost two months that I had been granted access to the outside world. 

Sort of. 

The beautiful images of mountains scattered the skyline, the fresh snow blowing in the wind. I walked closer to the windows, peering down below and that was when I realized I was high up. 

Wherever I was being held captive was on top of a mountain. 

“Beautiful.” 

Jumping at the deep voice, I looked over my shoulder and a small smile came to my face. 

“Soldat, you’ve returned.” 

He nodded, tucking a strand of hair out of his face. “I returned last night.” 

“How was your mission?” 

His silence was enough of an answer I needed. 

“Have you been training?” He questioned, still keeping a safe distance between us. 

Immediately I shook my head, the chains rattling. “They won’t let me while you're away. You’re the only one I can train with.”

Soldat turned his head, eyes taking in the appearance of the chains around my wrists and ankles. A scowl appeared underneath the stubble covering his mouth and he beckoned me over with a finger. 

Swallowing thickly, I tried the best I could to walk over to him, feet coming to a halt in front of him. He gripped the chains with his metal fingers, breaking them off of me with ease. 

“You’re not a monster,” he muttered. 

I rubbed away the red marks on my wrists while giving him a smile of thanks. “What will happen to you once they find out?”

“You should get some rest, we have a big training session tomorrow.” Soldat spoke, ignoring my question. 

I wondered with fear what exactly they would do to him. Every time he would arrive back from a mission, his screams would echo through the base, keeping me awake at night. I yearned to be with him, comfort him. He was the only constant in my life now, I would do anything to be with him; to keep him from pain. 

“Will you sit with me?” I nodded to the bench. “We don’t need to talk, just your company is enough.” 

His body tensed, a bit hesitant, before he nodded and we both sat down with our knees a few spaces away from each other. I reached for the book and felt his gaze burn deep into the side of my head as I quietly read the pages, Russian almost becoming a second language to me. 

We sat in silence, Soldat’s eyes watching me as I carefully turned the pages of the book, enjoying the quiet company of the man who would scare others. 

“Soldat, do you know what this word is? I haven’t come across this one yet.” 

I pointed towards a word in the book that was giving me trouble and felt the heat radiate off of him as he leaned closer to me, his shoulder brushing against my own. 

“Dorogaya. It means my darling.” 

My core twitched at the Russian translation and I coughed, trying to mask my arousal. “Thank you.” 

“Dorogaya,” he repeated, this time more quietly to himself. 

Day 85

“Faster! Harder!”

I let the screams of slight encouragement fuel me as I landed my fists into Soldat’s bare stomach, the force behind my punches doing nothing to phase him. 

He reached for my neck but I swiftly ducked while spinning on my heels, tripping him in the process. Soldat landed hard on his back, the wind being knocked out of him, and I straddled his hips with my own, my hands pinning his own above his head. 

Our breaths matched in sync, eyes boring into each other, and the sight of the smirk on his face made my heart nearly burst out of its cage. 

“I win,” I breathed, my breath fanning over his bare chest. 

My fingers itched want to run all over his grooves and muscles. Resisting the urge, I released my grip on his hands but felt the world turn as Soldat gripped my hips, slamming me on my back. His dark eyes stared down at mine, tongue rolling antagonizing slowly between his lips. He leaned closer to my own, his warm breath breathing life into me. 

“I let you win.” 

“Oh really,” I cheekily asked, a flirtatious smirk pulling at my lips. 

Soldat nodded with his nose brushing against my own. “Of course, dorogaya.” 

My heart fluttered at the pet name he had given me. Ever since our time in the sun room together, we had slowly started becoming closer with each and every training session. I was, however, afraid to take it farther than our flirtatious comments and soft touches. I wouldn’t allow him to get in trouble, or worse; hurt. Just because of how I felt about him. 

His metal fingers traced down from my cheek to my neck and rested above the lines of my breasts. My breath became erratic when the lightly brushed over my left nipple, perky already due to the coldness of the building. Fingers dug through his locks and gave a slight tug causing a groan to vibrate low in Soldat’s chest. 

“Are you leaving again?” I asked. 

He shook his head while palming my breast and I allowed a moan to slip through my lips.

“I told them no more missions until our training is done,” He spoke low. 

I nodded. 

“We really should stop. Before they find us.” I stuttered, not wanting him to stop kneading my breast with his hand. 

“Let them, they can’t do anything to hurt me that they haven’t done before,” Soldat breathed into the skin of my neck. 

He nipped and sucked there, leaving his mark to show the others here who I belonged to. My hands ran down the thickness of his back and I pressed my hips up into his, a loud hiss breaking its way out of his throat. 

“Dorogaya,” Soldat moaned. 

My fingers traced up his back, slowly fading over where his skin met metal. His body tensed, the lust in the air immediately dissipating as he pushed his body off of me. I was left alone on the dirty floor of my room as I watched him grab his shirt, throwing it over his chest. 

“Did I do something?” I questioned, sitting to my knees. 

“I need to go,” he grunted. 

“Soldat,” I stood to my feet now, “Please tell me if I did something!” 

He ignored my cries of wonder, letting the door slam behind him and drowning out my quiet sobs. 

Day 124

No more training sessions. 

Berge had told me that I was done training with Soldat. He had too many missions to go on and not enough time to give to me. Doubt racked my brain if that was truly the reason why they wouldn’t allow him to train me anymore. They must have found out about us. 

I couldn’t dwell on it for long, Berge assigned another guard to my training. He wasn’t anything compared to Soldat; he was quiet and wouldn’t allow me the chance to improve. Only wanting to show off his strength. We had moved the training sessions in the main area of the compound, in front of every eye. But the only eyes that mattered were the ones that I wanted approval of. 

Soldat would watch from a distance, not bothering to step in when the new trainer would hit me a little too hard. I wouldn’t let that phase me, though. I gave it back a hundred times harder which would only anger him more. 

Which is how I ended up sporting a black eye for the last week. 

Soldat almost stepped in when the new trainers hand grazed lower and lower from my back with each session. Earlier today, we had been sparring in front of all of the other guards and I did my best to ignore their gawks of stares as I attempted to land a strike to his stomach. He was a step ahead of me, twisting my wrist behind my back and pulling me into his chest. I felt his rapid breathing against my back as he leaned his lips against my ear. 

“I love the way your ass fits against me,” He groaned. 

I knew if I tried anything he would twist my arm higher up so I stood frozen in fear while my eyes traveled to the man in the corner, giving him silent pleads for help. 

Soldat turned his back on me. 

After the sparring session, I retreated back to my room, a broken woman. My ego was hurt that I had succumbed so low to these beatings in front of other men. My heart was broken that the one man I had fallen hard for wanted nothing to do with me.

A soft groan left my lips as I stared out into the darkness of the room, sleep being the farthest thing from my mind. 

“God, Y/N you’ve got to move on from him,” I ran a hand over my face with a very unattractive groan leaving my lips. 

“Talking to yourself again?” 

Sitting up in bed, I turned on the bedside lamp and made out a large silhouette standing by the door. But even in the soft darkness, the metal arm was hard to miss. 

“What are you doing here?” I questioned. 

Soldat stepped closer, stopping at the foot of my bed. “I’ve come to say goodbye.”

“Goodbye?” My voice shook with fear. 

I then noticed he was dressed in his tac gear which meant only one thing. 

“You’re going on a mission?” 

He nodded. “I’ll be back by tomorrow night.” 

Pulling my knees to my chest, I raised my brow at him. “You’ve never said goodbye before.”

“I wanted to see you.” He gave a small shrug of his broad shoulders. 

“Oh,” I mouthed.

I allowed silence to overcome us as we both stared at one another, his chest rising and falling with heavy breaths. My palms began to sweat seeing the fire behind his eyes and I absentmindedly bit my lip. 

Soldat ran a hand through his hair before a quiet fuck it slipped from his lips. He kicked off his boots before crawling his way towards me on the bed. 

“What are you doing?” I asked. 

He ignored my question, only rolling onto his back while pulling me into his chest and his arms wrapping around me. The rapid beating of his heart told me that he was nervous but still kept his arms tightly around me. 

“I’ve been on hundreds of missions but now,” Soldat started, “Now, I’m worried about leaving you. With them.” 

“I’ll be fine. You’ve taught me well.” I gave his sides a small squeeze. 

“I’ve never felt this way before. It’s all new to me.” He admitted. 

“What is?” 

Instead of using words, Soldat’s fingers grazed my chin and pulled my face up to look into his eyes. He took a deep breath before he gently placed his plump lips over mine. The hairs on his chin and face tickled me as our lips moved slowly in sync. 

My heart thumped through its cage in my chest as I ran my fingers through his hair, deepening the kiss. His own hands found their way over my stomach, down to my core and slowly ghosted over it. 

“Soldat, please.” I moaned. 

“You’re mine.” He grunted, fingers finally touching my heated core over my shorts. “All mine.” 

“Only yours, I promise.” 

My breath hitched in my throat when I felt the heat of his fingers against the skin of my stomach, brushing over the waistband of my shorts. While his flesh ones worked with the ties of my shorts, his metal one pulled the ends of my hair, forcing my eyes away from his work on my shorts. 

“I’ll come back to you.” He vowed. 

I nodded. 

“I know you will and I’ll be here waiting for you. Always.” 

Soldat brushed his lips against mine, tongue delving between my lips and danced with my own as the kiss intensified. 

“I have to go.” He groaned against me. 

“Stay.” I begged, clutching onto his arms. 

“It’s my mission.” 

Pulling away reluctantly, I gripped his chin and stared into his eyes. “Please be safe.” 

“Of course, dorogaya.” 

Day 131

Seven days. 

One week. 

168 hours. 

That’s how long it had been since I last saw Soldat. 

He had yet to return from his mission and what originally was supposed to be a one night mission turned into one week. 

I sat on the edge of my cot with my knee bouncing in worry as I chewed roughly on my bottom lip. I feared that Berge had found out about Soldat and I, which was the reason why he had yet to return. 

“Where the hell are you?” I muttered. 

I waited a little while longer, eyes trained hard on the door, hoping that he would bust through any moment. But after a few minutes of nothingness, I turned my back to the door only for it to open a second later. 

“Come with me.” 

My eyes squinted towards the guard, confusion well on my face. “Where are you taking me? I haven’t left in a whole week.” 

“Soldat’s orders.” The guard ordered. 

My heart rate sped up at the mention of his name. “Is he back?” 

“No but he’s requested that you stay in his living quarters now.” 

“Wh-what? Why?” I sputtered. 

“As a reward for completing his mission. Come now.” 

The guard quickly waved me to follow and not wanting to live another minute in this tiny hell, I scrambled to my feet and followed. Not bothering to take anything with me, I tracked close behind the guard as we turned a few more corners, coming to a stop at a lone door at the end of the hallway. 

The guard grunted towards the door before leaving me alone, my steady breaths coming in and out of my nose as I took a second to gain my bearings. In the months that I had been held captive here, I had never seen Soldat’s room; or anything else besides my room, the sparing center, and the “outside” room I was allowed to sit in every few days. 

My hand gently grasped the cold knob and taking one last breath, I slowly pushed the door open. Before my feet crossed the threshold, I gazed around the room taking in every inch of Soldat’s private space. 

It wasn’t big by any means, it would definitely be crowded with the two of us, however it warmed my heart knowing that we would be sharing that bed together. The bed was only made for one and was even small for Soldat. 

Next to the bed was a table that mirrored the one I had in my room. On the top of the table rested a small lamp and a book that looked like it was read ten times over. On the other side of the room was a small dresser that had more books resting on it and next to the dresser was a door that led to somewhere I was unsure of. The large window on one wall allowed the sunset to stream in, painting the entire room in a golden light. 

My gaze rested on a pair of clothes that were neatly folded on the chair in the other corner of the room. Taking a breath, I crossed over the threshold into Soldat’s room and grasped the pair of clean clothes in my hands. It was only a new pair of jeans, underwear, and a long sleeve shirt but the soft fabric was enough to bring me to tears. I had only been given new clothes once since being here and that was the first night. 

“It’s not much but it’s home.” 

Jumping at the deep voice, I turned on my heels and felt my heart leap to my throat. Soldat stood at the doorway, his body a clear indication of the toll the mission put on him. Stray hairs had fallen from the low bun he had pulled them in, the lines on his face screamed that he hadn’t slept in days, and his tac gear was covered in dirt and blood, the blood had also covered his metal arm in streams. Fear raked my body, wondering whose blood was all over Soldat and I bit my lip to stop from asking. 

“You’re back,” I breathed. 

He remained silent, his intense gaze taking over my body. His body tensed when he fell on my lips, the sight of the two cuts burning into his brain. 

“What happened?” 

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I shifted on my feet. “I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.” 

“What happened?” Soldat questioned again, this time closing the distance between us. 

Metal fingers gripped my chin, forcing me to look into his eyes as they danced over my face. Anger flashed across them when the soft words left my busted lips. 

“Ben didn’t appreciate getting beat by a girl.” 

“What did he do?” Soldat demanded. 

“He just hit me a little too hard. I’m fine, Soldat.” I reassured him as I gripped his flesh arm. 

The anger still flooded his veins and I linked my fingers with his metal ones, fearing he would leave me and do something we would both regret. 

“You need to get yourself cleaned up,” I encouraged. 

Soldat was still silent, only giving me a small nod as he pulled me with him towards the closed door. 

“What?” I questioned. 

“You need a bath.” He demanded. 

Licking my lips, I let the fear of him seeing my bare flesh push away the thoughts of us in the bath together.

“No, you can go first Soldat. The blood is going to take awhile to clean.” I lied, hoping that would keep the thought of us naked together out of his head. 

I was afraid of what he would think when he saw the bruises and scars that covered my body. 

His eyes hardened, seeing right through my lies, as he gripped my arm causing a loud hiss to pass through my lips. 

“Fuck,” I cursed pulling my arm to my chest. 

He didn’t grip me that hard, I knew that. It only hurt because of the bruise that covered half of my forearm. 

“Take off your shirt.” 

The soles of my shoes were frozen to my spot, being weighed down with the fear of what Soldat was about to see.

“Sol-.” I started. 

“Take it off,” his voice was deeper and rougher. 

Gnawing on my bottom lip, shaky fingers gripped the bottom of my shirt, slowly raising it over my stomach and head, letting it fall to the floor in silence. Instinctively my arms wrapped around my chest, trying to cover as much as I could. Soldat didn’t make me uncomfortable; the idea of showing him my battle scars is what did. 

His dark eyes were now almost black as he looked over my bareness of flesh, taking in every inch of bruises and new scars that had yet to heal over my stomach, chest, and arms. The blood had dried hours ago but the exhaustion of today’s training had stopped me from cleaning my wounds. 

My mouth dried with the intensity radiating from Soldat’s body. 

“We-uh, Ben decided to start the knife training today. He wouldn’t let me get a chance to prove myself. He kept stabbing and slicing,” I admitted quietly. 

Soldat's tongue grazed over his bottom lip and nodded to the door behind me. “We need to clean those wounds.” 

“Are you upset?” 

The tone in his voice answered my question before I even asked it but I needed to make sure he wouldn’t leave, do something stupid. 

He remained silent, beckoning me to follow him with a snap of his head. Obeying with a soft sigh, I trailed behind him into the bathroom that was connected to his room. The soft breeze coming from the vents caused me to wrap my arms around my bare chest, trying to keep the warmth in. I could see the way Soldat’s muscles in his back tensed as he leaned over, running hot water and letting it fill the tub. The steam danced around his head as he peeked over his shoulder, nodding towards my pants. 

The silence was thickening and my fingers gripped the top of my pants, slowly pulling them down my legs; the new visions of bruises and scars clouding Soldat’s vision. The only thing keeping me from bearing it all to him was a thin piece of fabric. Soldat turned on his knees, face inches from my core, and goosebumps rose to my skin as I felt his finger slide my underwear down over my knees and I stepped out of them. He tossed them to the side while keeping his eyes trained hard on me as he looked up into my own. 

“Get in.” Soldat’s flesh fingers tapped the back of my thigh, his warm breath brushing against my heated core. 

The water immediately eased the sore muscles and wounds as I submerged myself, pulling my knees to my chest. Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see Soldat stripping himself of his own clothes before I felt the water slosh behind me. Metal fingers wrapped around my middle pulling me into a hard chest. We sat in silence as he first cleaned me then him. 

“I should have been here,” his words mumbled against the skin of my shoulder as he pressed a soft kiss there. 

“You needed to go on your mission.” I reminded him. 

“I will kill him.” He vowed. 

I hushed him with a soft squeeze of his thigh, fingers resting easily over the mass of them. “I’ll be alright.” 

“You’re coming with me on the next mission.” 

I smiled at the softness in his voice. 

“I don’t think Berge will like that.” I admitted. 

Soldat took a damp cloth to my legs and stomach, cleaning the wounds with soft touches. 

“They can kill me to try and stop me.” Soldat deadpanned. 

I opened my mouth to protest but he silenced me with a kiss to my forehead, whispering promises of him saving me, protecting me, no matter what the cost will be. 

“I missed you, dorogaya.”Soldat breathed, his cock hardening against the small of my back. 

“I missed you too,” I moaned. 

His fingers grazed over my core underneath the water, rubbing circles over my clit. His lips attached to my neck, leaving his mark for all to see. 

“I need you.” 

The water splashed out of the tub as Soldat lifted me out and carried me bridal style into his bedroom. I fell to the bed with a soft sigh and my eyes took in the God-like form of Soldat, his dick twitching with anticipation. I took in every groove and line of his muscles, the way they tensed under the light as he stood in front of me. 

“Soldat,” I begged, “I can’t wait anymore.” 

“Say your mine.” He commanded. 

“I’m yours.” 

“Good girl,” Soldat praised while his metal fingers stroked his already hard cock. 

He slowly climbed up the bed, laying soft kisses over the skin of my legs and thighs on his way up. My body shook with the want of his body on mine, skin on skin underneath the moonlight from outside. 

That night, our bodies linked together in pure bliss and adoration for one another. Our moans that bounced off the walls were a proclamation of our growing love for each other. 

That night was the first and last time Soldat and I made love.

 Day 132-The last day. 

Eyes slowly blinked open as I patted the spot next to me, finding it empty and cold. My brows pulled together in confusion as I looked around the room trying to figure out where Soldat had gone. I groaned at the soreness between my legs as I sat up in bed, clutching the sheet tighter to my chest. The memories of last night clouded my vision and my cheeks reddened remembering all the ways Soldat’s fingers and mouth had pleasured me. 

The door had burst open causing me to jump at the sight of the man that had entered. 

“Where did you–?” 

“You have to go; leave.” Soldat rushed while handing me my clothes. 

“What?” Tears started to well up in my eyes. 

“You need to leave, now. It’s not safe for you anymore.” Soldat demanded. 

Rising from the bed, I let the sheet fall to the floor before quickly dressing. 

“What are you talking about?” 

Soldat ran a hand over his tired face before a loud sigh left his lips. “Berge has plans for you that I will not let happen. You need to leave here.” 

“Plans?” I croaked. “What plans?” 

“There’s a door on the other end of the compound that I always leave through to go on my missions. I left it unlocked last night. Once you’re outside, run west for 5 miles. There will be a gas station where you can call for a ride.” 

Soldat ignored my questioning pleads as he handed me a pair of his boots and a jacket to keep me warm once I was outside. 

“No, Soldat. I’m not leaving you.” 

“It’s not up for discussion. You’re leaving.” He demanded. 

“I won’t leave you. I love-.”

My confession was short lived as we heard voices yelling from down the hallway. Soldat cursed before pulling me into his chest. His plump lips brushed against my forehead while his hands wrapped around my back, giving a hard squeeze. My fingers gripped tight his vest, the fear of leaving him weighing heavy on my chest. 

“I can’t leave you, Soldat.” I confessed. 

“Wait ten minutes then take a left at the end of the hallway, the door to your escape will be the last one on the left.” 

Soldat pulled away from me, strong eyes staring into my sad ones. His pink lips stood out from underneath the stubble that had grown since the last time I had seen him. I unknowingly reached out for him as he took a step away from me. 

“Soldat,” I sobbed. “Please don’t make me leave.” 

“Stay safe, Dorogaya.”  

We shared one last loving glance before I watched him turn his back on me, walk down the hall and out of my life. 

Those ten minutes had passed by antagonizing slowly and now matter how much I wanted to stay here with Soldat, I knew that he was looking out for my safety. We both knew the kind of man Berge was and if whatever he had planned for me scared even Soldat, I knew I had to trust him. 

Regretfully, my feet took me down the way that Soldat had instructed me. They froze, however, when I noticed commotion coming from the room to my left; the one I had to pass in order for me to reach my freedom. 

“Get him in the chair!” 

“Sir, it’s been months since we’ve wiped him. We don’t know the risks!” 

“I don’t care about the risks! He needs to forget her!” 

Slowly peeking from around the corner, I watched in fear as four men struggled to get Soldat in a chair that sat in the middle of the room. No matter how much he had fought the men, Soldat gave up in the end, falling into the chair with a groan. 

When his broken eyes landed on me, his chest rose in fear and he motioned to the door, begging me to leave. 

“I’m sorry,” I mouthed. 

Not wanting to stick around and see what they were about to do to him, no matter how much I loved him, I ran down the hallway and out of the prison I had called home for the last 132 days. And away from the one and only man that would haunt my dreams every single night for the next three years.

[blackbeeno3569]

HOW TO KEEP YOUR PRIVACY AS A FANFIC AUTHOR

Want to write a fanfic but terrified someone might actually read it?

Keep your hits and likes in manageable numbers that won't cause you a panic attack. Here are my 6 guaranteed tips for how to be as low-key writer as possible:

NUKE THEM SHIPS All fandom loves a handful of ships? Sink them all. Especially the most popular ones. Create your own, give it all the love and be sure it will be an exclusive cruise.

ORIGINAL CHARACTER That one always works. Mary Sues and self-inserts are a very sure path to choose but there are still some weirdos who like that stuff (you know who you are). Create an OC who doesn't fit expected boxes neatly and watch all the normal people take a cautionary step away. Scare them with the unknown.

NO SMUT Yes, they have a very nice sex life, thanks for asking. No, you'll never see much of it. We are here for a story, not an anatomy lesson.

SUBVERT TROPES TO THE POINT WHERE TAGGING BECOMES ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE Enemies to lovers are ever popular… But eh, they never were much of enemies in the first place? Redemption stories are beloved, only… there's not much of redemption there, just some kind of a healing and a selfdiscovery… Make tagging as complicated as humanly possible.

BRING OTHER POPULAR CANON CHARACTERS TO THE STORY ONLY WHEN IT MAKES SENSE NARRATIVELY …which can be very later on. Don't pander to general expectations, be loyal to the story and solely the story. Good luck putting them in the tags then (see point 4).

KEEP THINGS INTERCONNECTED Thinking of writing one-shots and short stories as an easy gateway to your work? Don't. Everything has to fit neatly into intricate web of preestablished relationships and complicated history. Make sure every story belongs somewhere specific on the timeline. Make them confused, make them feel like watching 6th season of a serie they've never heard of.

(Written with infinite love for those brave souls who found my work, overcame all 6 points and stayed. You are my heroes.)