#like acually its sad

[abstractredd]

yknow, one of the sad things retail has shown me is that the average middle aged/older person has no manners. when i say to customers at work "what can i do for you?" i get "i need" or "i want" or even straight up "give me". theres rarely any "may i" and god forbid they say please. its not hard to look a person in the eyes, say "can i please get ___" instead of barely acknowledging me and barking demands at me like i'm a robot. it's disrespectful. and it's really sad that the generations that taught us manners growing up seem to have forgotten theirs entirely.

[rzyraffek]

I have a request! Can you do Eddie gulskin,brahms hellsire and Billy lenz (idk I'd you do the twins from outlast but if u do them to if not is chill) with a S/O who has an anxious attachment style?

- like there s/o asks If they hate them and kinda follows the characters around like a shadow!!:>

Ong! I love it!! This s/o is so me😭 also why i got 3 eggie gluskin requests at once i never even played outlast! But he seems like goofy fellow!

They/them, sfw, mostly meowmeow fluffy. Requests are closed for now due to huge numbers in my inbox

Slashers with s/o who has attachment issues

Billy Lenz

Oh me oh my they are sure something else

He is the one that usually walks behind his parnet like stray cat so he doenst really know how to react?? Especially if s/o asks him stuff "do you like me?" And is clearly worried about Billy abandoning them. Billy will be like ??? Bestie why would you even think like that!! S/o is great he would never!

He stares at them when they sleep, like it would help him figure out how to feel them more loved

Pls dont vent to him tho! He cant take this type of stuff sirously

Eddie gluskin

😳😳

His guy will blush so hard

When they fallow him, his ego will grow so much! Oh darling what you worried you'll get lost? Huh o- well of course i love you! Your my wife!!!

He can spend as much time with them as possible! As far as they don't mind gory backround and screaming people

Like somone acually cares about him?? Frfr?? With consent?? Gee didnt know s/o was chill like that

Once he found them crying in one of hospital beds, he though somonr attacked them but when he realised they were worried about him, Eddie promised to him self that he will never leave them

Asa emory

Bbg wym??? He spends huge amount of money on them and they still think he doesnt like them??? I mean yeah he spends a lot of time away but like😔😔no no s/o you cant go with him to his workplace nono its too gory for ur lil mind

Alrightttt if they ask him nicley he might allow them to sit in his saferoom there for few hours. But dont try to explore this place pls!! S/o gonna explode in real time irl if they leave saferoom(agressive escape room)

Also if they ever feel bad, he has few dogs so im sure s/o can vibe with doggos if they feel bad

Bro asa really doenst know how to make them understand HE LOVES YOU PLS TAKE HIS MONEY AND DOGS AND STOP BEING SO SAD OML

Brahms Heelshire

Vice versa

This guy sometimes doesnt sleep at night because hes worried that they accualy dont love him, and they are just too scared to leave

But his worries fade away as soon as they snuggle to him while sleeping

He would love s/o that fallows him around!! He has attachment issues too!

Oh please dont worry love! He totally loves them

[teamplasma-official]

i think maaaaybe suggesting they release one their beloved teammates is what set them off? i mean by the looks of it the panpour at least had been with them for a long time

OKAY WELL ITS MY JOB!!! ARCEUS FORBID A GUY DOES HIS JOB!!!

you're right about the panpour though imagine if they're acually like best friends and hang out all the time. it'd be kinda sad if they got separated.

BUT THE TYNAMO? THEY DONT NEED THE TYNAMO. WHY WOULD YOU NEED A TYNAMO ???

[bojackhorsemanobviously]

watching bojack horseman go over cancel culture/famous people who do horrible things leaving ya to ponder on the horrible people who's work you enjoyed say if your a 90s/2000s kid like me. / and then learning about people of shows you watch whether they be voicing characters/ creator themselves are shitty people is a blah pill to swallow..

what's worse tho is people in real life who did really really shitty things worse than bojack. . never really get held accountable.. they get paid too disappear into the void/ maybe they get a prison sentence for a little bit but most just get nothing.. no accountabilty.. and hey bojack aws right to show that a year later he still has work.. cause that is usually has it goes.. d the cycle of abusers in hollywoo will always continues and sadly most aint looking for redemption or improvement either....

there is a question of can you forgive an abuser and my thoughts are .. its not really up to us.. unless it affects us personally if we know them personally.. but these famous people we dont know them.. its up to their victims and their friends/family not us .. I Belive in a chance for change if a person is willing to acually change if they had a nothng wrong mentality the redemption just aint gonna happen. .. because true change starts with a want to change and not saying i di nothing wrong..

..hm bojack has done BOTH.. .

the paparazi are also just vultures. camears in your face constantly ive seen some clips and some actors look outright miserable about that life.. its just sad..

. and society itself gets to invested in actors.. cause at the end of the day their life was never our buisness.. those mags about them dont help. if only they were treated as normal people were acting is just a job and its a cool job but they aren't better than anyone either.. they're just people. I think that attitutde would be healthier for them.. because man no one should be idolized.. were all just people. id hatebeing famous all the attention, the cameras, societal expecations, having to live up to standards of fans.. id have so many anxiety attacks.. ..

[akirameta84]

Dragon AU Question time! When THK awoke in the Black Egg Temple, did they fit through the entrance properly? I imagine they bonked thier horns on it and then truely realized thier acual change, shock and confusion would easily allow them to just crawl out first thing in the, well, morning.

these reference this au (and this post links to an earlier post, even) so check it out cough

1. not really but they. "fixed" the entrance via accidental brute force. its a good thing nobody was gonna want to go back in there again because it wasnt in the greatest state before their horns took out any structural support the entrace had

2. there was an attempt to stop them from entering houses and shops that still had an intact doorframe but they just looked so sad that the bugs of dirtmouth decided that doorframes were an old trend anyways lmfao

3. hornet "borrowed" jijis cave. she walked in and asked if anyone was using it and didnt wait for an answer (the answer she got was too scared by the dragon and half dragon half spider and her weapon to refuse. not that she would have. there are far worse roommates than the only living descendants of the fabled king, after all)

4. i adore how you imagined those spells so those interpretations are pretty damn great. i hadn't thought much about how soul magic would be altered but thats a damn good way to do it <3 so i say they work just like that lmfao

5. they could weild a nail but they prefer to just bite and claw and stab things with their tail. all of those in combination with spells are more than effective.

anyways. thank you so much for the asks i am obsessed with this new au and im glad someone else enjoys it too <3

hornet and her wyrm siblings (after godhome)/hornet and the feral vessel that made her realize that the hollow knight was supposed to also look more like a wyrm than they did before the spells were destroyed (before godhome happened). the small one with too much energy who has slain gods and the big one with depression <3

[girlkisserr]

its actually written in some places but Vaporwave isnt acually their name. its a nickname coined up by a passing stranger they met once and it stuck with them ever since

first meetings usually go something like "i dont actually have a name, call me whatever ya want- but a real popular choice with folk is Vaporwave" and usually people take that as their name anyway.

they dont really care what you call them, be it any insult or slur in the book they'll respond. because what else are they good for in the end of it all, anyway? when all your life you have nothing going on for you

maybe its a little sad, considering how loud, friendly and happy they seem to everyone else. (maybe except Kosuke)

[linxrouge4life]

Here are some Joy and Woe headcanons nobody asked for:

Woe:

- In some terms Woe can be stronger than Joy since, even though they are same age, Joy is more mature and organised.

- Woe loves litelature and silence

- Her favorite food is Ube mochi since she has a sweet tooth

- Her favorite drink though is black coffee, not beacuse it matches her theme or beacuse is bitter (she aint Wednesday) its beacuse it keeps her awake at night

- She smiled only once in a lifetime, and it was a small, weak smile. It was Woe's birthday and like some other closes aswell, she dosent like attention. She came to the Gotham docks when Joy came behind her and gave her her signature moon pin she wears on her shirt and gave a sun pin to herself. That was that one rare moment when Woe smiled. Joy swore she wont tell anyone and its still a secret.

- Woe is a bit overprotective of Joy since Joy is the only person Woe can tell everything (though there are some things she keeps to herself)

- Sometimes she gets too overworked and nervous that she just runs to her room and breaks down (silently of course)

- Her signature weapon is a dark blue some bomb filled with poisinious gas

- Her favorite color is dark blue

Joy:

- Joy is a more cheerful and playful child

- She isnt a very serious person but she wont joke all the time aswell

- Her favorite food is honey since its sweet and yellow (her favorite color)

- She will always be there to cheer up someone, no matter how long it takes

- Her favorite drink is honey + milk (like that ponyo drink I dunno what its called. I dont watch anime)

- She is a very extroverted person aswell

- She is very good at comforting someone. When doing that she knows when to stop with her loud and happy personality.

- She is diagnosed with ADHD ( i think it kinda makes sense)

- Her signature weapon is also a bomb but instead of poision bomb its acually a flash bomb capable of making someone go permanently blind

- Even with her personality, there are moments when she just feels like she hit the rock bottom and is just sad. Those are days when Woe is by her side all the time.

- Also for both of them: They couldnt imagine a life where they are seperated. They come in one package. Deal with it.

[itssirnotsiringe]

Imagine...

Imagine making another clone oc cause you got inspired heavily by some one’s idea of animal dna and naming them after a food (@smalltimidbean im sorry for the ping...)So you also make one and its name is moonpie... Its animal dna is a skunk.....

... I DEFENITLY DIDNT.

Clone#0099/MoonPie

﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏

Level: safe and friendly.

-mixed with a skunk

-he has both a clone of peppino and noise

-purpouse: to keep the lab clean and safe (with the help of gerome)

-they suprisingly smell great... They kinda smell like fresh flower's and fruit...

-when anxious or sad he will start to stink, its gonna smell horrible.

-when angry, he will slowly do a hand stand and rais his tail as... Gas come's from his tail as a warning? Once warning he will attack with his claw's

-can speack fantastic! He even know's other language's suprisingly!!

-very emotional. But smart?

-there favorite treat is... Raw fish

.. With the bone...

-the ear's have to be under his hat i assume

-his nose is also fake apparently, his acual nose is under that.

-his tounge is quiet... Painful (careful making him happy, unless you want your face to hurt for a while)

-his hair is a hot mess but... It makes good protection for him

Information by,

Melly Ringbell

[deman1313]

I love this so friking much-

Gonna add onto this:

Not only is this a much more interesting story for Eri but a much sadder one.

Her not realizing she is being abused and wanting said abusers back when she is saved hits so hard and is so so much sadder to me. As someone who was abused by their parents as a child and not realizing it until adulthood it hits way to hard

I feel like you can also connect to her more as a character, she becomes more sympathetic this way. Not saying that her canon backstory is not sad and horrifying but this gives her character more complexity

Its pretty much canon that pops was an awful if not abusive father to both Eri’s mom AND Kai. Meaning that even if he treated her ”well” growing up in the Yazuka will fuck up a child’s mind. Even if he was not abusive to Eri per say he would still be an awful parent to her

Its also heavily implied that Chisaki was projecting his own awful childhood onto Eri and here it’s no diffrent. I can absolutly see Chisaki saying the same things to Eri that Pops & AfO said to him as a child

I think this also helps with her flatness as a character like you mentioned. She is not only really boring as a character but also show 0 traits of a tramutized child. Sure, not everyone has the same symptoms of trauma and everyone acts diffrent. But Eri’s ONLY symptoms is being numb to emotions & not being able to smile, which she gets over the next episode anyways

With this backstory her character feels more complete and she becomes an acual character

Her quirk is also more used(?) here. It becomes a part of her and not just something she is forced to control for others. She is still a kid and unstable with her quirk but she has at least some knowledge on it. Adding into the fact that she is used as a tool by the heros for her quirk in canon makes her ”bad” reaction even more heartbreaking

She is so afraid of being controlled for her quirk that she never realizes that she already is by Chisaki. Her being ”bad” and the heros loving and understanding her anyways is also much sweeter. The lesson of ”every kid deserves to be saved” really gets across here

I still like canon Eri of course, but her character is bearly there for me

That’s the end of my rant

So I was thinking about that anon ask about Eri and the more I ponder it, the more I kind of vibe with villain(ish)!Eri.

Imagine an Eri who wasn't mistreated by Overhaul. Whose life improved once she was taken in by her grandfather. She gets everything she wants and is spoiled rotten by both her grandfather and Chisaki. Maybe she buys into Overhaul's ideals, it was her quirk that killed her father and made her mother resent her, after all. She's manipulated into helping him instead of being outright forced, rewarded with his affection.

(Chisaki tells her that her grandfather is sick, and she believes him without question)

Then Izuku, Mirio, and the heroes come and ruin it all. She doesn't want their help, but they defeat Overhaul and she's given to UA. And she hates it there. She tries to run away, acts out, and pitches a fit every chance she gets. She warms up to Izuku and Mirio because they take the time to get to know her, value her opinion, and don't try to police her behavior. But she absolutely hates being in Aizawa's custody, especially because he can shut off her quirk. She constantly tests Aizawa's patience.

She wants to go home and be with her "Papa" and "Uncle Kai." But then learns that Chisaki hurt her grandfather because he protested against using her for his experiments. And it changes her entire outlook. How could her beloved uncle hurt her grandfather? Kai would never hurt family, he always said that!

Now Eri isn't just angry, she's devastated. She's sad and confused and in pain in a way she doesn't understand. She becomes so subdued that UA (in their infinite wisdom) stop watching her as closely. Big mistake. She runs off, and this time no one's there to stop her.

Only to get picked up by the MLA. They've been watching her since she was taken in by the Yakuza, but they aren't exactly sure what her quirk is. All they know is that it's powerful and want to use it to their advantage. So they try to interrogate her to no avail (Eri, as the granddaughter of a Yakuza boss, has seen real interrogations and is thoroughly unimpressed). They try to coerce her into joining them willingly, which triggers a mental breakdown because it's so similar to how Kai convinced her to help him.

Everyone only wants her for her power. Everyone except-

Izuku and Mirio (without a quirk like a boss) rescue her and it's here that they earn her admiration and adoration. Because she treated them horribly, but they still saved her. They still cared for her. Not for her power, but because she was important to them.

I like Eri in canon fine, but I won't refute that she's one-dimensional. I think something like this would have been really interesting. It not only makes her more layered as a character, it also drives home that every kid is worth saving, not only the sweet, innocent victims. Very good chance for parallels with the LOV.

(But I'm actually glad Horikoshi didn't do this. Girls in anime with complexity aren't treated well, just look at Gabi. Eri would have gotten a lot of hate for being "annoying" or whatever)

I'm thinking of incorporating it into the rewrite somehow.

[transgaysex]

man...

[kingsleigh]

i need yall’s advice:

for those of you in relationships/with a significant other/married, did you feel a connection right away with your significant other?  Was there no chemistry for a while, and then you felt something?  If so, do you continue with dates?  I need advice.

[rzyraffek]

Eddie gluskin alphabet? 👀 That's a whole ass husband right there

Its been in my inbox for a week now😩😩 I didnt know what to put in some letters cuz all 'fluff alphabet ideas' had some weird ideas so I had to use my own brain. Scary Request open

She/her, sfw fluff, eddie gluskin is a bit of warning himself, kinda yandere-ish?

Eddie Gluskin fluff alphabet

Affection (how cuddly and how touchy they are with their partner)

Guy lives for night cuddles and hand holding while walking thrue hospital corridors. He doenst see good relationships without often touches

Body(favorite body part in their lover)

For sake of keeping it sfw im going to write that he really likes her hair and hands! Ooh and if s/o happens to be thick/chubby he gonna flew away

Comfort(how would he comfort his lover)

He would take whole situation very seriously and be straightforward about his opinion. Would grab her hand and lisen to her problems

Dating(are you guys doing on dates? Where and how)

Bestie the only 'outside world' you gonna see is hospital abandoned garden

But he sometimes tries to make atmosphere in one of rooms! Set candles prep some lil meal!

Emotions(how emotionally vulnerable he becomes?)

He never really shows his 'weak' side untill long time in relationship, he simply believes he has no issues regarding his emotional state

Future(what plans they have with their lover)

Definitely big house with a lot of kids, very old school marriage, he works she takes care of home

Gifts(do they give gifts? And how they react to receiving gifts too)

Would give her whole world if he could, if she is very close to him, he gonna spoil her so much

Also he treats any gift he receives like its the most precious thing ever! 'Oh honey you shouldn't give me this you are way to sweet'

Honesty(how sincerely and honest he is)

Even though eggie uses way too much smart words and complements he is rather straightforward about his plans and worries

Injury (how would he react to her getting hurt?)

Angy. Very angy acually. Who? When? Where? How? You stay there while he gets rid of any degenerate tha- you just fell down?? Awww you little silly you are so cute he should spend way more time with you then, if you are so so clumsy

Jealousy (how easly he gets Jealous and what triggers it)

Everyone and everything. He is a good husband and he takes good care of his wife mental health he cant let some disgusting joke of a person ruin their relationship! I mean none will break bond they have, right? Noone

Kiss(where and how they kiss)

Kisses everyday everytime they see eachother. Morning smooches and goodnight ones are must have. Also he loves when she kisses his neck and cheeks

Loyalty (would they cheat?)

No. Shes one and only he would never!

Marriage(do they want to get married)

His whole thing his marriage, he wants it as soon as yall meet! He is her perfect groom and she is his perfect bride

No(what is complete deadbreaker for them)

Also for sake of keeping it sfw imma say: Angry people. He can deal with people who are sad or shy. But when somone attacks him or yells? Rip. Litteraly rip.

Odd(do they have little odd behaviours in relationship)

...

ObBVILUSLY HES FUCKING EDDIE GLUSKIN

Baby if you arent into some weird doctor-patient roleplays or weird misogynistic vibe I recoment turning around. Also he finds scared people cute so yeah he gonna spook her on purpose

Personality (what he finds attractive personality wise)

Shy people, submissive, but he doesnt mind extroverts too. As far as they aren't annoying he's in love

Quality time (what they do in free time with them)

Probably reading, dancing, planning their future, having lil dates

Romantic (how Romantic they are?)

Guy litteraly wears suit every day, he also calls her honey/wifey/dear on daily basis. He is the undead romantic and he won't change, cliché stuff is his favourite

Secrets(what they are hiding)

A LOT, again its EGGIE FUCKING GLUSKIN guy has probably his all ex gf dead in his basement or some other fucked up stuff. Like idk, his biggest secret is that once he saw her in ugly outfit and lied and said that its pretty idk

Trust(how much they trust his other half)

Guy needs good few months if not years to trust her. But if he does omg Lady you could stab him, say it was accident and he would believe her. Its not that he's dumb, he is just mentally ill and kinda delusional (noway)

Understanding

Guy lacks empathy, but he can understand certain issues that she is facing, he will 10p% give her weird protip

Value(how much they value their lover)

Alot. Like his whole plot is looking for perfect love. When he finally finds the one (you) and hes 100% sure that it is it. The one(you). He gonna do anything to keep her alive happy and as lovley as ever. She's the most valuable thing he ever had and he won't just drop her? She is staying in his hand forever

Wildcard(random stuff about them)

Guy finds caring people hot. Please take care of him like he is alittle boy that just fell of swing please do it. Tell him how worried you are and please treat his wounds

X-ray(how much they can read emotions and thoughts of their lover)

Guy totaly isn't and empath but he totaly can read their feelings by expressions and body language.

Yes(how would he propose to her)

Yall seen the game?? Guy is straightforward with it. Just pick her up and "you gonna be my wife you know"

Zzz(sleep habits)

If wife no in bed? Why sleep?

He needs her laying next to him for him to acually relax and fall asleep

[imstunning]

At work this 15 year old kid who’s a busser was talking about video games and I was like I like video games but I get bored after awhile and this girl was like same and the boy was like what do girls even do for fun and the girl was like “watch makeup videos” and idk about every other girl but I definitely don’t have fun watching makeup videos I have depression, I have self hatred and loathing definitely not fun

[awsugar]

literally like i appreciate streamers because they make it so fans who couldn't go to shows get to witness them but if you're not even streaming like... put the phone away. enjoy the show. jump around a bit and actually watch the stage. and honestly if you are streaming put the phone away like it's great to be able to see shows i'm not at but if it's at the expense of your own enjoyment of the show and of other people in the crowd who now have a phone in their face for the next hour then it's not really worth it

yea like on one hand i love having a stream to watch when theres a show happening but theres a reason i had barricade so many times last year and did not stream is because that is not my priority!!!! and it shouldnt be your priority imo. i feel like if you wanna stream the whole thing yes props to you but you should stand in the back of the pit where no one is going to mind you standing still and hodling your phone up for the entire set. but like i remember at one show there was someone live tweeting the whole thing from barricade and i know ppl want like internet points but it is so sad to think youre in the front row and looking at your phone the whole time. i think its really important especially if youre in the front where the members are actually looking at you and making eye contace, to be present and acually enjoy the show and take it in. i have a lot of pics and videos from all of my shows but i would generally just take my phone out for a minute and snap a few pics because i dont want them to see me with my phone out 😭 but yea like also one of my biggest complaints at frank shows in the past were the fact that no one in the crowd was moving and everyone was just standing there sometimes recording the entire thing bc like its frank from mcr and it makes it seem like youre not there cause you actually enjoy the music. it made me really sad. and then those people who just wanted to record the whole thing would get mad about us starting a pit or crowdsurfing. so yea i dont think theres anything wrong with taking pics or videos at your shows cause i do it too but i think were in an era of like a sea of phones instead of faces singing along and its like...it makes me feel bad...

[allisonfcs]

oh its been a while since i said something about druck on here jsjsjs i mean i didn’t have to since i reblog things that i agree with and some people and i share braincells so didn’t need to repeat what someone just said y’know anyway...

but what happened today? what happened TO-DAY damnnnnnn im on the floor, you gays...

first of all i want to adress that i’m living for ava and fatou friendship and i don’t want them fighting again (even if it didn’t last long). then the cute texts kieu my sent after what happened friday 🥺 it was cute, i must admit but i’m glad fatou ghosted and blocked her, it might seem mean but kieu my deserves it after everything she did to fatou. and the "stupid new years kiss" thing and not defending fatou when constantipation said some rude things about her was the last straw, and im glad fatou stood up for herself and called out kieu my and the others.

now as for today..TO-DAYYYY??!?! first of all, kieu my being all sad in zoe’s insta stories hehe how the turntables (and the fact she was staring at someone/something and i like to think it was fatou yes i do)...second, we really thought we had to wait until thursday to see kieu my and fatou in class together but it turns out they have a class together monday as well?!? wow. the fact we all thought the teacher would force kieu my and fatou to work together but no one expected kieu my acually volunteering 😭 druck really said "let us add some spice ✨" and i really gasped so well done,druck.

also im never getting over how bold kieu my was with that move by raising ber hand to be with fatou on the project. she really said "oh ok, you blocked me on tinder, just let me let you no choice and work with me"

and also the glance and the panic that followed because she probably wanted to see fatou’s reaction and she was already looking at her. IM NEVER GETTING OVER THIS ITS ADORABLE.

and for the second time fatou confronts her and the only thing she could say was...warning : lesbian flirting 101 : "oh yeah um well you SUCK in physics and i’m very good so...🥺 im gonna help you, yeah? let me help you? because i’m good in physics and you’re so bad lol so...girlfriends?"

also this...i know her heart was RACING!! girl is so nervous around fatou, yet she did her move and im proud of her.

anyway... kieu my texted fatou earlier... girl is trying uh? thats what we wanted 😭 but apologise ffs kieu myyyy APOLOGISE...lets see if fatou answers...

im so excited for this week, the angst, the yearning, kieu my chasing fatou, the project...ughhh im so excited.

alright...see you around gays

[arthurflecksgirl]

Subway scene /Arthurs POV

The subway is moving forwards, while everything inside of me is standing still. Frozen. Numb even. The numbness takes over me, except for the real bad headache. I shouldnt have done that. Hurting myself. But sometimes I just cant help it. Sometimes the sadness turns into anger and I dont want to hurt anyone, so I punish myself instead of anyone else. Instead of the people that hurt me all my life. I just sit there and take it, and try to cry my eyes out afterwards, but I cant even do that. Not a tear.

Silence. At least on the outside. Inside of me silence doesnt excist.

I don`t say much. I would love to talk a lot actually, but I gave it up when I realized that people won`t listen anyway. I prefer to write in my jornal nowdays. Its saver for me. My journal can`t missunderstand me. At least I hope so.

But yeah… if only they would give me the chance to explain myself. They would notice that I`m a good guy.  But they won`t. To them it doesnt matter how big my heart is or that is filled with lonelyness. I do write my jokes for OTHER people. To make them happy. To be seen as someone who want to spread positivity. But they remain unheard. My jokes are only scribbles in my journal. At least up until now. I`ve got the feeling that change is about to come. Like….I can feel soemthing growing inside of me. Not sure what it is though. Its just a gut feeling but trusting my feelings is another story...

I look outside the window. Graffitys on the dirty surface cover half of my reflection. Half of my face, a blurr. Funny because thats how I feel right now. I notice how worn out my face must seem to others. A sad eyed clown, abandoned from the rest of the world. I can`t smile for anyone today. Not after Hoyt fired me. How could I ever tell my mum when I get home? I just told her that she shouldt worry about money, or me. That my stand ups are ready for the big clubs. And now I got nothing left.  Not even my job, which I loved. Mum and I didnt had much money but it was enough to get us through. What now? She`ll be so dissappointed in me. I wanted make her proud. I wanted her to watch her son up on the stage, thinkng “I`m so proud of him. He really made it. ” But all she is going to say now is “Oh happy. I guess you just weren`t funny enough”.

I turn around and face the seats, trying to get eye contact with a lady. I crave human connection so much. It would feel so good if she would just look me in the eye for a second. It would be like a proof that I am here and people notice. But she doesnt. Maybe she`s too caught up in her own thoughts. Maybe she questions her own existence just like me.

The doors open, she gets up and leaves. A deep sigh is escaping my painted lips. Three guys are getting in, talking about a girl they danced with. The conversation caughts my attention. Sounds like they were at a dance club or something. I`ve never been at one, so I try to hear all the details about how a normal guy would manage to make out with a girl. I really could need some good advice, but after only a few seconds I realize that the guys must be drunk. One of them claims that the girl was in love with him, while his buddy says it aint true. Nothing to learn here.

It is now that I realized that there is a pretty girl sitting across me. “Want some french fries?” one of the drunk guys asks her and the way he does so makes me feel uncomfortable.  Him trying to get her attention feels wrong.

“Helloooo?” .

“No, thank you” The girl seems annoyed. “They`re real good!”  he says, before he starts throwing the food at her.  “C`mon” the other one says “He`s being nice to you”.

The girl just wants to read her book. Why would they even bother her? I have never been on a date before but this sure isnt how I woud treat a woman. I would try to be a gentleman. To become a beautiful memory which she writes down in her diary when the day is done. I want to become a romanic page in a womans diary. A poem. A lover.

I take a look at the cover of what she is reading. Alice in wonderland. I like that. Alice knew how to create a world of her own. Reality couldnt bother her anymore. But her dream world did. I guess there is just no way to escape your own mind.

I get nervous, noticing that she makes eye contact with me. I was longing for eye contact just minutes ago but now that this pretty girl looks right at me I`m sweating.  I guess she wants me to say something to them. To step in and tell them to leave her the fuck alone. The friendly clown looks like he could help her out. And I want to. I want to stop them so bad. I want to get up to those guys and tell them to fuck off. To leave the girl alone with her book, Alice and her imagination. But my body won`t let me. I am frozen. My legs won`t move. I`m just sitting there. What kinda man am I, to not help her out? Just a sad clown on the subway. Nothing more. All I wanna do is cry.

And there it comes….. hmmm... haha. I shake my head. No. please not now. Not in front of a pretty girl and some bullies. This is bad. I`m in deep shit now.  I can`t hold it back. The pain. The urge to cry, to shout out. To scream.

The laughter. Its making its way up my throath again. I want it to stop! At the same time there is something inside of me that acually thinks that this is funny. Those drunk idiots trying to impress a girl by throwing french fries at her and I`m actually hoping to learn something here when they came in. What a joke.

I can tell  by their dirty looks that I already caught attention . The wrong kinda attention. the kind of attention I`ve never asked for. Leave me alone to cry.

“Is something funny, asshole?” his voice is hurting me. I try to tell him that he should ignore my laughter by gestures, but he doesnt get it. I guess the girl is scared of me now which makes it all so much worse.. She passes me by,disappearing, as the guys throws stuff at her “Bitch!”

Hahahahhahahah. I reach the point of pain right now. My throath feels sore from trying to hold it back.  My heart tired from asking myself why I am still laughing.

And just as the pain starts to spread its fire on my insides, the guy comes up to me, starting to sing. I know that song. I know it well.  “Isnt it rich? Are we a pair? Me here at last on the ground. You in mid air. Send in the clowns.”

A chalkboard.  Chairs. That smell. My teacher looking at me like i´m a freak. Fists. And more fists.

With every step he comes closer I get flashbacks from getting bullied at scool. The look in his face. in his eyes. I know that kinda look. He`s a fucking bully. And I`m his victim.  Nothing new I know. But that song…it really gets me. I love Frank Sinatra. His music means so much to me. It hurts that this guy is using it against me like a weapon.

“Isnt it bliss. Dont you appprove? One who keeps tearing around, one who cant move?”

Yeah….thats right……hahahahhaah I CANT move while you are dancing around like an idiot. Hurting me. Do you have any idea how much you are hurting me? Look at my face. I´m hurt. I`m in pain. But people never notice and you keep on dancing. You`re the one who is laughing. Not me. I`m crying while I have to listen to your terrible interpretation of Send in the clowns.  You can`t even carry a fucking tune!!!!

“Send in the cloooooowwwnnnsss” he sings, his eyes focused on me in a disgusting way, while the other one is sitting down next to me. I feel intimitated as he grabs my Carnival wig, exposing my real hair , while I cant stop laughing with pain in my eyes. Not the wig. Please not the wig. I need it. I cant afford another one and I have to find a new job as a clown soon.

“There ought to be CLOOOOOOOWWWWNNSSS…..” the first one looks at me in anger, the second one putting my wig on, laughing right into my face. I can smell the alcohol in his breath. The way he laughs at me. So rude. Just like back in scool. I`m back in scool. This is a nightmare.  Why would they want to hurt me? Don`t they realize I just want to be left alone?  I wish they would go away. Why is no one else around? But I guess I dont deserve someone saving me. I wasnt even able to hold them back from annoying the girl.

“So tell us buddy. Whats so fuckin funny?”

“Nothing!”. Finally my chance to explain myself.

Hahahhahahah “I have….I have a condition” I try to catch my breath. Its so hard to breathe, so hard to talk between the laughs. My hand reaches for the card. I  have to read it out loud, so they know.

Its too late.

“I´ll tell you what you have, asshole” he replies, grabbing my bag. I try to get it back, but the other is fast, holding me back. Grabbing me violently from behind, while the first one tries to attack me. I cant belive this is happenening.

I cant use my arms. This is worse than being handcuffed. I kick the guy in front of me. Kinda shocked I was able to make a move.

“We got a kicker, huh?” he says. “Hold him steady, hold him steady” he screams, right fore he punshes me right in the face ,so hard that the other one lets go of me. The next thing I feel is hitting the ground. Hard.  Lying there with a sharp pain that makes its way althrouh my body. I lie on my right side. My ribs hurt´. My head is pounding, hands  touching the dirty ground, trying to figure out if this is really happening ? I cant move. Freezemode is taking over. . I just cant do anything but take it like a good, little boy.

I`m a kid. Just a kid again. And its dark. And I dont know where I am. Or what day it is.

“Stay down,freak!“

Happy

Freak

Arthur, my name is Arthur.

They kick me in the back.Harder. All three of them now.  

For a moment I am afraid they will kick me to death. Three guys and some clown, paralyzed on the floor? I could definitaly die in here and no one will ever know. I`m not afarid of dying. But this isnt how I want to go. Not on the floor. Not while getting kicked by some assholes. They would step over my dead body and I would remain invisible..I cant let them do this to me. Not again.

Is this my inner voice talking? The one I used to feel lately? Is this the blurry part of my reflection?

I feel my left  arm moving and  remember the gun. The fucking gun Randall gave to me. The weapon that brought me nothing but trouble. Maybe this thing will be good for something eventually. Maybe it will save my life. Well Randall. Sorry for ruin your plan.

Those guys will get what they deserve now.

Bang! Bang!

That was fast. One is already on the ground.

Bang! Bang!

I never thought it could be so easy to defend yourself.

The other one is hitting the subway door.

There is blood but  no time to take a look at it. The third one tries to run away as I fire the gun one more time. I only caught his leg. He`s liping, as I grab my stuff, trying to catch my breath. To get my thoughts straight. The gun in my hand. God. there is a gun in my hand. Still. For a brief moment I seem to lose all orientation. Did i just killed someone? What should I do now? What about the third one? My mind is all over the place.

Breathe, Arthur. Breathe. I have a lump in my throath. Not sure if from the laughing or from the panic.

The sound of the guy banging against the subway door awakens me from my thoughts. The door opens and he tries to get away. But he won`t. I`m a fast runner and he can barely walk. I have to finish this now. Just one more guy. I have to bring this to an end. One more shot. He falls to the ground.

How does it feel there, on the dirty ground? Can you taste the concrete? Because I did.

Can you feel the cold against your aching bones? Well, I did. And it was crawling up its way on my insides.

You killed me first.

Every single one of you bullies.

You killed my hopes and dreams.

My innocence.

This is what you finally get.

Do you see me now?

Can you feel, that I am real?

Because I am.

And so is this gun.

I ran up close to him as he screams, trying to crawl closer to the stairs.

No one heard MY whimpers when I thought I was  almost dying in the alley.

I fire the gun. Bang Bang Bang. Until there are no bullets left. Until he doesnt move anymore.

Freeze mode, huh? How does it feel?

One who keeps tearing around. One who cant move.

And then… silence.

Exept the noise in my ears. I take a short look at the body lying in front of me. He really is dead. Huh. . Kinda surprising what a gun can do.

I press my hand against my ears. That noise.  I hope there will be music again, soon.

I take a look around. No one is there. Time to grab my stuff and get gone.

I ran up the stairs as fast as I can and  feel myself changing with every step I take, with every short breath I become something.

There is a glow inside, as I run into an unknown desitination, my shadow ahead of myself