#like a bunch of live crabs will be crawling out of a guys chest and jared will have this awful canned line in reply

[uncouth-the-fifth]

who was going to tell me that jared hosted a show on mtv in 2007 that’s considered lost media now… during my lost media deep dive!!! who!!!

[yanosolong]

Dreams

Two super interesting ones last night.

In the first one I was in nyc and my brother was there. I guess we had just left a comedy show, I don’t remember anything before that. And the details in general are fading. But there was a guy, real bro type, that I started talking to and he said something about going to see a lot of stand up and for some reason I got it into my head that we should hang out more, that I needed a buddy to go to standup shows with or something like that. As he walked away I said “hey what’s your name?” and after a pause he said “John.” So I said “let me get your number” and after a pause he said “it’s not the best night for me, I’m really stressed out” and got in his car and drove away. Then Blake said he thought he posted on some comedy forum as such-and-such. And I looked online and it was bert kreischer’s fan forum or something, and by looking at this guys profile I could actually see his real-time location and he was driving in his car. So now I felt like I was stalking the dude.

So at some point I guess I reconnected with him and we went to this show and he was sitting at a desk in the back of this small room, like a comedy club, and he said “this is my office.” Then after the show he walked away and I was sitting at the desk and playing with the conference phone and the other stuff on his desk. And I was sitting there thinking this guy is a real douche, what have I gotten myself into hanging out with him. Then he came back in and he was with another guy who was even douchier.

Then we got into our cars and drove our separate ways and I went into a tunnel and the system took over the controls and guided me to my exit. I didn’t expect it but i was enthralled with the extensive tunnel system that took me exactly where I needed to go.

Briefly I remember talking to some people about how Matt Damato recommended i do a film academy and I met a bunch of kids who were impressed by my commercial experience.

Mom and I went to a suburban house where there were at least two kids running around. On the way in I found a strange creature on me. It didn’t look like any kind of bug I’d ever seen. It was like a coinpurse combined with a crab claw. And the dad saw it and said “you have to be careful with those. They will reach into your mouth and pry your jaws apart with these” showing me some clawlike appendages, but wide and flat like a duckbill. He took the thing away.

So going into the living room, the youngest kid was as tiny as a newborn kitten. But he could talk. He was hiding under some pillows and stuff on the couch and I couldn’t even see him but he was talking to us and answering questions and stuff. Mom and I were looking at books that his mom had ordered with his name printed into them as one of the characters. I don’t remember any of what we talked about. Eventually he crawled out of the pillows and he had grown some, he was like the size of a normal toddler now. He was being cute and I leaned forward and gave him a pat, like I would with my nephew, just on his chest, like, sweet kid. And he started bawling, and I was really confused, and he yelled “I don’t want to be touched on a specific part, like on my chest, I don’t want a grown, fucked, married man with children to touch me that way!” And I told him I wasn’t married and I didn’t have kids. I didn’t even want to get into the whole thing about not being a man. But he started attacking me, hitting and grappling, and I started to realize he was growing larger. At some point he was pushing me toward the door and he was taller than me. I wanted to just go outside to avoid his belligerence, but I couldn’t find my jacket.

Eventually I found my jacket and I put it on and I felt something inside and it was another one of the crab things. So I ran to the dad and showed it to him, and I said, “What is this thing called?” He said, “it’s a god-queen.” Then I pulled the jacket off and threw it on the floor and when I opened it there were like six more inside. So he told me not to touch them, to wrap them in something, and he told another one of the kids to go and get a bunch of tongs, one for each of them. The kid groaned and went inside. I waited for what I felt was too long, they were starting to crawl away. I walked into the kitchen to try and find them, but all I saw was a sushi chef who looked at me oddly. His knife was bending around strangely almost in a circle. I walked away.

I found a piece of tinfoil and wrapped one of the claw purses up into it and as I did I saw the mouth opening, like a coinpurse, with little teeth inside and suddenly that part of my hand went numb. I realized it had some kind of paralytic in its saliva. So I went outside, hoping to burn it or something, and the dad was out there and he had one of those aluminum roasting pans just filled up with them, filed in vertically so tight they couldn’t move. I said “we can’t destroy them?” and he said “This is how we deal with them.” Then he pointed to another pan a few feet away and said “that’s how they look after a few months” and they were like giant rotisserie chickens.

When I woke up I realized I had an answer to the question if I dreamed in color. I was listening to a podcast recently and they were talking about dreams and the guest said that some people dreamed in black and white. The host said he had no idea if he dreamed in color or not. He couldn’t recall an example. As for me, I thought “of course I dream in color, what a silly question” but then I couldn’t recall for sure. But when I woke up this morning I could remember clearly the redness of those rotisserie crab-purses.

[themurphyzone]

Ocelot’s Heart Ch 2

I was focusing on All Time Travelers Go to Heaven for the past few days. Finally got around to this one. 

Ch 2: The Aircraft

“I haven’t been on one of these things since the intern turned evil,” Heinz said to Perry as they loaded several boxes of non-perishable food onto the OWCA-issued aircraft. “I’m just surprised I can finally ride with mammals who won’t yell at me for touching stuff.” 

Perry undid a flap on a nearby box, gesturing to the contents inside. Curious, Heinz peeked in. He grinned. “Wait, did you think this up? This is amazing!” He reached in, pulling out a small lever that had a few loose gears attached to the handles. 

What are these for? Olivia mewed in confusion, pawing at a small bar. 

“Keeps me occupied,” Heinz explained. “So I don’t hit something important on the dashboard and send us crashing into the watery abyss. Monobrow learned his lesson after we went to Africa. Apart from the ringing my doorbell and slapping me bit. He hasn’t done that yet. Don’t know if he meant it or it was just an empty threat.” 

Olivia nodded, still looking confused. But she accepted the explanation anyway. Together they loaded the last of the boxes into the aircraft. This one was furnished with a kitchen, bathroom, and several mattresses. OWCA must’ve been coming up with new models lately. 

Perry went into the cockpit to make sure everything was in working order, giving strict orders to Heinz and Olivia to put on their seat belts and wait until they reached altitude. According to Carl, there was an autopilot feature in this model so Perry didn’t have to manually operate it the entire seven hours. 

Uncle Heinz? 

Heinz almost jumped out of his skin. Nobody had ever called him uncle so willingly before. Roger was childless as far as he knew, and Charlene didn’t have siblings. 

“Something up?” Heinz asked.

She fidgeted in her seat, her paws wringing in embarrassment. I don’t like going into the air. It’s scary. I thought I was gonna lose my stomach the first time I flew. 

“Yeah, the acceleration does that to some mammals,” Heinz said, taking her paw and gently squeezing it to comfort her. “You’re doing a lot better than my first time in a plane though. I was flying to Drusselstein from Danville for my first semester at Dr. Gevarrlikj’s Evil Science 101 class. She’s really short, kinda walks like a crab, somewhat heavy accent. Anyway, we hit a patch of turbulence while flying and I panicked because the plane was rocking and swaying in every direction. Barfed on the guy next to me, so he punched me in the nose. I don’t think it ever healed right after that.” 

Olivia giggled. Evil Science 101?

Heinz nodded. “It’s sort of the gateway to evil science. The basics. Chances are your future nemesis took it too. Then you have Evil History, Evil Calculus, Evil Musical Numbers, and the list goes on. You know, now that I think about it, they weren’t exactly creative with the names.” 

“You’re all clear for takeoff,” Carl’s voice came in over the intercom. “Good luck.” 

Heinz felt Olivia’s paw tighten around his hand as the plane accelerated, finally lifting into the air. Looking out the window, he could see the ground shrinking away, wisps of clouds floating by as they ascended. 

She looked slightly green. 

“Did I ever tell you about the day Perry the Platypus first met?” Heinz asked, hoping to take her mind off the flight because he didn’t see any paper bags she could puke in if her stomach decided to act up. “I went to get my picture taken one day, because I was just starting to get my evil career off the ground. I needed a picture for my blog online, get my name out there, have it on file at the OWCA, that sort of thing. It turned out nicely too. Much better than my driver’s license pic, but then again those are always terrible no matter what. Fact of life, I guess. So as I was walking out of the photo store, I had a feeling someone was watching me from behind the mailbox. And that’s how I met my nemesis, Perry the Platypus! Well, former nemesis now.” 

I hope my nemesis is nice. I’ve heard the senior agents talk about their fieldwork, and some of those evil scientists just sound mean. 

“They’re supposed to come off as mean,” Heinz said. “It’s part of the package deal when you’re evil. But if they aren’t treating you right, give me a call and Perry the Platypus and I will be paying them a visit.” 

Once the plane was at cruising altitude and set to autopilot, Perry joined them. They passed the time by playing Monopoly, although Olivia had never played before and needed the rules explained to her. But she was a fast learner, and so far had collected the most properties out of the three. 

Heinz groaned as he lost another two hundred to Perry, who somehow managed to land on all the railroads. It was a truly unfair setup. Perry had a smug smile on his face the entire time. 

His own money supply was dwindling away due to the combined forces of a platypus and ocelot. And the ocelot couldn’t even read. 

Perry rolled a seven, landing on Park Place, one of the few properties Heinz actually owned. He handed over a fifty, then held his hand out expectantly for change. 

Heinz folded his arms. “You aren’t getting any change. I need all the money I can get so I don’t have to mortgage.” 

Perry continued to hold out his hand, never taking his eyes off him as Olivia took her turn. When the staring finally grew uncomfortable, Heinz picked up the dice and chucked it at Perry. 

He quickly lowered the brim of his fedora, and the dice bounced off harmlessly. When he raised it again, there was a look of pure ‘ooh, you’re definitely getting it now’ in his eyes. 

Heinz grabbed a handful of houses out of the box to defend himself, just in case. Then Perry snatched the entire stack of tens and threw them at Heinz. He barely managed to block it, then he hurled several of the plastic houses. Perry whipped them back with his tail, and they struck Heinz on his chest. 

It didn’t take long for them to forget about the game pieces completely, and soon they were just roughhousing on the floor. It had been a while since they physically fought each other, and Heinz found that he kind of missed it. Perry wasn’t hitting as hard as he usually did when he was thwarting, and Heinz refrained from throwing his partner across the room. 

After several minutes, they stopped for a quick breather. Perry laid on the floor panting, a tiny smile on his bill. Heinz was about to grab water from the kitchen, when he saw Olivia beginning to tear up. 

“Hey, it’s alright! Just a thing we do! Neither of us are aiming to hurt!” Heinz quickly said, worried that she was crying over their small scuffle. Perry’s smile disappeared, and he wasted no time in consoling Olivia. He gently rubbed circles into her fur as she cried. 

Heinz sprinted to the kitchen and returned with a cup of water in record time. Olivia gulped half of it down, then stared down at the remaining liquid in embarrassment. 

Sorry, she sniffed. River and I wrestled all the time when we were little. I miss him. And Mama and Papa too....

The horrible feeling he had earlier abruptly came back. Somehow he figured Olivia wasn’t telling them everything. 

Heinz almost considered that her immediate family had left her behind, but ocelots were a tight bunch. They wouldn’t abandon their young voluntarily. 

Unlike humans, Heinz thought bitterly. Certain people had a knack for that. 

Perry made an encouraging gesture with his hands. Olivia didn’t react. 

“Would you mind telling us what’s going on in the forest? Just in general. Perry the Platypus likes to be prepared,” Heinz said. 

Olivia drank the rest of her water, setting her cup down. 

Well, Aunt Berry’s got a kit now. And two more ocelot families are living with us. One of the papas doesn’t like Meema. Some dumb argument over territory a few moons ago, I think. And we’re the only ones left. 

Heinz had never met other ocelot families in the forest. He and his surrogate sisters knew not to venture beyond Papa Ocelot’s claw marks on the big sycamore. 

“What happened to the others?” Heinz prodded. Maybe he was asking too many questions, but he had to know. 

Perry remained stoic, though his eyes betrayed how worried he was. 

Humans, Olivia answered with a slight whimper. They ambushed us when we were asleep. Only Meema and I survived that night. Aunt Berry was meeting her mate at the time, so she was safe. I...I was the only one who wasn’t dead. Or injured. 

She slowly crawled over to Heinz, nuzzling his arm as she tried to reassure herself like a lost kitten. 

Well, she was practically a lost kitten. 

He moved her into his lap, allowing her to stay there while she eventually cried herself to sleep.

Perry came over, stroking her cheek as she slipped into an uneasy sleep. They still didn’t know how she came across OWCA. Or if the ocelots knew of her whereabouts at all. 

“Perry the Platypus, I just realized something,” Heinz said. Perry slowly looked up at him. “Gimmelshtump is the closest town to those woods. What if we wind up dealing with them?” 

Perry could only pat Heinz on the back and hope that wouldn’t be the case. 

[redditnosleep]

Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200, and Whatever You Do, Do Not Let Her Inside

by AllDreamNoDrive

I walked through death on my way to Cam’s house.

Above me, skeletal trees lined the road, reaching their crooked branches towards the dark, wet sky. Their green leaves had already turned red, then yellow, before falling about the street in piles. It was almost winter. Whatever the wind hadn’t blown away rotted on the sidewalk, squishing under my sneakers.

I pulled my jacket over my head. We had some nasty weather recently, but this was by far the worst. The kind of night that caused accidents, flooded rivers and threw trees onto telephone wires. There was no doubt in my mind— bad things happened on nights like these.

Thankfully, Cam only lived seven houses down from mine. I knocked on his front door.

A few seconds later, I heard his muffled voice on the other side. “Who is it?”

“Uh, it’s Matt,” I said. “Open the door! It’s freezing out here.”

The lock clicked and the door swung wide, revealing Cam’s apologetic face. “Sorry,” he said, “I guess our neighbor saw somebody prowling around the neighborhood. My mom’s freaked. She’s making me ask ‘who is it’ every time somebody comes to the door. So annoying.”

“How do you guys have a mail slot but not a spy hole?”

“I dunno, it’s retarded. C’mon, I’m almost done setting up.”

Inside, a Monopoly board lay open on the dining room table, stacks of multicolor banknotes stuffed under the edges. I could smell melted cheese coming from the steaming pizza box on the counter. Rain pitter-pattered on the kitchen skylight. Cam’s mom hurried around the house, late for her work function. Between fixing earrings and stumbling into her shoes, she thanked me for coming over and told us not to do anything stupid. “And make sure the doors and windows are locked,” she said before leaving. “You know Delores saw a strange person standing in her front yard last week.”

“Yeah well, Mrs. Delores believes in mermaids, Mom!” Cam shouted towards the back door. He waited for the mechanic hum of the garage door shutting. “I think my mom’s been watching too much Criminal Minds,” he said. “She even tried calling my sister’s friend to come babysit.”

“... Katie?” I asked, hopefully.

“Really?” Cam rolled his eyes. “One: she’s way older than you, and two: she didn’t answer anyways.” We sat down at the table. “I mean, we’re thirteen. Not like we need protecting, right?”

I shrugged. “I’m ok with it. Especially if it’s Katie.”

Cam shook his head. “Gross dude. Delores is actually crazy though,” he added. “I bring in her garbage can every week. Once she told me that her grandma is a bloodsucking alien.” He chuckled and dumped out a bunch of silver tokens on the table. “Let me guess. You’re gonna be the thimble.”

“Got me,” I said, grabbing the piece and placing it on the board.

As Cam sifted through the pile of tokens, I looked around at the walls around the kitchen. Several huge Alaskan crabs were pinned up on plaques, arms outstretched like giant armored spiders. I always thought it was kind of bizarre, but Cam’s dad was a career fisherman and liked his trophies. My attention returned to the table as Cam slammed down the silver scottie dog token onto the board. He crossed his eyes. “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore,” he said in a mock Dorothy voice.

It was about an hour after we started playing and the game was heating up. Cam had just landed in jail, when somebody knocked on the front door. It wasn’t a normal knock. More like a heavy pounding— slow, calculated. From where I was sitting at the dining room table, I could see the door. The knock came again.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

Me and Cam looked at each other with wide eyes. We thought it was the cops.

But after a few seconds and still nobody called Police!, we got up hesitantly and tiptoed towards the door. Cam put his ear against the wood and listened. He must not have heard much of anything, because a moment later he asked, “Who is it?” Pause.

“It’s me,” came the eerie voice from the other side.

If our eyes were wide before, now they were dinner plates. Me and Cam just looked at each other, unsure of what to do. “Who?” Cam asked again, shakily.

“It’s me. Your mom. Open the door.”

The voice was strange and halting. Like the body it belonged to hadn’t breathed enough air to speak, but still tore the words from their lungs. I couldn’t even tell if it was actually a woman. For that matter, I couldn’t even tell if it was... human. Whoever was on the other side of the door, it wasn’t Cam’s mom.

Cam backed away from the door. “You’re not my mom.”

“Yes. Yes I am. Open up.” The door handle wriggled.

I put a hand to my chest— my heart was thumping a million miles a minute. By the sound of Cam’s voice, so was his. He spoke loudly, trying to hide the tremble in his words. “Go away. You better leave now, we’re calling the cops!”

We stood there, still as statues. Silence.

“Check the window,” Cam hissed, after a few minutes.

I looked at him bug eyed. “You go check the window!”

“I can’t hear anything. I think she’s gone. Go check.” Cam gave me a little shove. “Don’t be a pussy,” he added.

I slapped away his hand and gave him a scathing look, but still got down on my hands and knees, crawling towards the bay window. The wooden floor felt cold on my palms. As I neared the window, Cam flicked off the lights. Reaching up, I pulled aside a corner of the pale muslin curtain and peeked outside… at first, I didn’t notice anything.

But then—

There, at the corner of the driveway. A figure. Barely illuminated by the yellow glow of the light above the garage. It stood so still that I almost mistook it for a shadow. I squinted, but the harder I looked, the more its shape seemed to waver in the rain. I couldn’t see a face, but I could just make out a mess of long, black hair. All of the sudden, it turned around and walked away.

“See anyone?” Cam whispered. He had crept up to the window.

“Somebody at the end of your driveway. They walked down that way.”

“Fricken’ wierdos in this neighborhood, I swear.”

“We should call the cops,” I said. I was honestly shaken.

Cam protested immediately. “No way. It was probably nothing,” he said, trying to brush it off. “The cops would come, ask a bunch of questions, call my mom. Can you imagine? She wouldn’t let me leave the house for the rest of the year. Besides, it was just a joke— did you hear that voice? Think about it. Nobody talks like that.”

“Yeah, exactly. You were scared too.”

“What, do you think it was… a zombie? A phantom?” Cam stretched his arms and pretended to be a ghost. “OooOOooooO… let me in child, I must suck on your brain!” He laughed. “Don’t be dumb. Let’s finish the game. I just bought Boardwalk. I bet you just don’t wanna play ‘cause you know you’re gonna lose.”

Well, he was partly right. I really hated losing.

Soon enough, we were back into Monopoly and had nearly forgotten about the whole incident. Still, I kept peeking at the door, half expecting to hear the loud knocks at any minute… but they never came again. Towards the end of the game, I was pretty much convinced that the person I saw was just another neighborhood prankster.

As it turns out, I ended up winning. Cam was livid. The entire time we spent putting the game back into the box, he couldn’t stop talking about how “cheap and unfair” it was. I just laughed. We were just about to fold up the board, when I happened to glance at the front door again—

And dropped everything I was holding. I stumbled back into the table.

“What is it?” I heard Cam ask, urgently. He sounded far away.

A set of scrawny fingers had opened the mail slot in Cam’s front door. They rested on the inside, holding ajar the small brass cover. Through the tiny rectangular slot, a face looked into the house. It was smiling. It was looking straight at me.

I tried to scream but the sound caught deep in my throat. I flailed a pointing finger towards the door. Cam rushed over, just in time to see the face and fingers retreat out of the mail slot. He ran over to the window and peeked outside. I crawled into the kitchen and hid behind the countertop. A moment later Cam crouched next to me.

“Ok, that was really creepy,” he said. “I didn’t see anyone out there.”

“I’m calling the police, Cam.”

“Yeah, alright. Yeah. Good idea. You call, my phone made it into the laundry, remember? ”

I pulled out my phone and put it on speaker. It rang twice before the operator picked up.

911, what is your emergency?

I talked as fast as I could. “Hi, um, we think somebody is trying to break into the house, we’re alone, can you send somebody quick?”

Who is in the home with you?

“It’s just me and my friend Cam, it’s his house, we’re both thirteen, his parents are out working, can you hurry please?”

Are you at 1408 Berryrock Road?

I looked at Cam. “Yeah, that’s it,” he said out loud.

Ok. I’m going to give you some directions, please listen very carefully. Are the doors and all the windows locked?

“Yes, we think so,” I said.

Ok. Unlock the front door.

I hesitated. This seemed like an odd request. Cam gave me a quizzical look. “Um, what?” I asked, tentatively.

Unlock the front door.

Cam piped up. “What? No way, I don’t see any cop lights out there yet. We’re not gonna do that.”

Do it. Open the door.

“Who is this?” Cam demanded. “We called 911, who is this?”

It’s me. It’s your mother. Open up now, sweetie. Open the door.

I smashed my phone against the floor and threw it over the counter. I’m not ashamed to say I felt like crying. What was going on? I was sure I dialed 911. How was this possible? Cam rubbed his face in his hands. He was just as rattled. “Ok, ok, ok. What do we do, what do we do?” he said to himself.

“When is your mom supposed to get back?” I asked.

“I dunno, I dunno… she said late. What is happening? I am seriously freaked out right now.”

“What about your dad’s gun cabinet?”

“It’s locked. I don’t know where the key is. He hides it somewhere. We could look for it in his room…” Cam wrinkled his brow and looked around. “Hey, do you hear that?”

“Huh?” I held my breath and listened. The wind blowing, creaking the beams of the house. The throbbing, heavy rain. And something else, slightly louder. A slow tapping. Sharp, like a fingernail against glass. It came from the ceiling. I looked up.

Above us, a woman crouched over the skylight, face against the glass. At least, I think it was a woman. Her black hair lay splayed out, writhing across the window. Her cheeks gaunt, eyes sunken far back into her skull. Her fingers tapped on the window. She smiled. She licked the glass. She didn’t look real. I thought I was hallucinating.

But Cam saw her too. He screamed.

The next thing I knew, we were running down Cam’s hallway. We burst into his room, slamming and locking the door behind us. I was trying to calm my breath. I could feel my asthma acting up and I didn’t bring my inhaler. Cam started pacing back and forth. “Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit,” he said, over and over again. “Oh my god.”

We barely had time to catch our breath before we heard the tapping again. Closer this time. On Cam’s bedroom window. The blinds were closed, but somehow she still knew we were in there. Tap, tap, tap, tap. Lightning flashed outside. For a second, her grotesque silhouette spread across the window.

“Here.” Cam was pushing something into my hands. A bat. “We need to get away from the windows,” he said. He was holding a knife, the blade gleaming red in the light of his oozing lava lamp. “Hurry!”

Cam ran into the hallway. I followed him into the bathroom at the end of the hall. It didn’t have any windows. He turned off the light and locked the door. We both crouched in the long tub, hiding behind the curtain. The baseball bat shook in my grip.

“I don’t think she can get inside unless we let her,” Cam said. “Right? Otherwise she would’ve already broken through window, right?”

I nodded numbly— I couldn’t say anything. I was too scared. But I hoped he was right. At least we couldn’t hear the tapping anymore.

For a long while we crouched there. I don’t know exactly how long. It’s hard to get a sense of time, when you’re terrified and all you have to count is your breath. It could’ve been minutes or hours, but at some point, we heard the front door creak open and swing shut. Slowly.

Footsteps throughout the house. Cam and I tried to be quiet, tried to slow our breathing. The footsteps came closer, and closer, until they stopped right outside the bathroom. The door jiggled. A moment later, the lock clicked. I held the baseball bat as tight as I could. The light flicked on.

“Cameron?” came a female voice.

I got ready to swing. My muscles tensed. Cam raised his knife.

A hand pulled aside the shower curtain.

It was Katie.

We almost beat up Katie.

“Jesus!” she shouted, taking a step back. “Holy shit, are you guys ok? What’s going on?”

“Katie,” Cam said frantically, “how did you get in? Did you lock the door? Please tell me you locked the door!”

“Calm down, I locked the door. I used the key your mom gave me. Sorry, she left a voicemail asking me to keep an eye on you tonight. I just got it and came over to check. What’s the matter? Your neighbor said that she heard screaming.”

“Oh my god, somebody’s been trying to break in, we called the cops but…” Cam began to say, before pausing. “Wait, our neighbor heard us screaming? Which neighbor?”

“Your new neighbor. She was standing outside when I pulled up. Came over to check on you too.”

“Wait Katie, wait. Our new neighbor? We’ve had the same neighbors since I was six.”

“Oh, really? You should ask her yourself then.” Katie opened the bathroom door completely and looked out into the hallway. She seemed confused.

“Hmm, that’s strange,” Katie said, “she was just behind me…”

[ayma-nidiot]

In the White Light - Prideshipping fanfic Chapter 25 (last chapter)

Also on AO3. 

Author’s note: Prepare for minor character hell. Hehehe.

Chapter 25 – Epilogue – Haunted Houses and Magic

~One year later~

“And that is the last time I will ever wear a dress in public.” When he was out of view of the partygoers, and the wedding reception ended, Kaiba shimmied out of the dress he was in. He didn’t care that he wore nothing underneath that except garters and underwear.

“Correction, next-to-last time.” Atem took off his crown and laid in the bed with his new husband. “You’ll likely be wearing a dress when you are officially crowned as queen of Egypt. But after that, you can just wear your Battle City outfit in public.”

“Or, you know, I can just turn into the Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon.”

“I thought you had put those shapeshifting powers behind you?” Atem traced circles on Kaiba’s chest with his left index finger.

“Did you forget about my love of dragons, babe? If anything, I can help ensure that the Shadow Games don’t go out of hand again. Or that there are no more disgusting people like Anubis.”

“That’s what the Pharaoh’s Incantation is for, my love.”

“It’s also easier to maintain the pyramids and rebuild the villages when you’ve got a dragon who can fly.”

“So you’re going to use your powers for good?” Atem liked this unusual caring side of Kaiba.

“Only because it’s my duty as queen! I’ve been doing that this whole past year, you know!”

“Yeah, yeah.” Atem pulled Kaiba into a spooning position. “Another part of your royal duties is learning about the magic of this country. I’m sorry, the ‘occult nonsense.’”

“Such as?” Kaiba ignored those last two words.

“Kaiba, my love, there is a lot you’ve let to learn. Let me show you a spell the world has never seen before…”

_________

~October 31, present-day Domino City~

Now that KaibaCorp’s Halloween Tournament was over, the tension in Domino City died down to make way for the spirit of the holiday. It was one of the few days of the year that Yugi, Joey, Tristan, and Téa had time off from college.

It was also one of the few days of the year that Rex and Weevil could get away with their shenanigans. With the help of Bonz and his knowledge of all things ghosts, the two high school seniors decided to run a haunted house near their new high school, Domino High.

“Hehehe!” Weevil cackled. “I never thought I’d actually participate in a school festival!”

“Huhuhu. And one where we can still steal-” Rex stopped talking when he noticed a group – consisting of Bandit Keith, Mako Tsunami, and the Roba brothers – approaching the house.

“We’ve got customers!” Weevil warned as a few of his buddies from school distracted the group. “Quick, Rex, do your thing!”

“Hahaha…” Bonz giggled from behind as he saw Rex, in rabbit form, sneak behind Bandit Keith. “That’s for humiliating me at Duelist Kingdom, ya big jerk!”

“Oh?” Espa Roba’s next younger brother noticed Rex. “It’s a cute bunny! Big Brother, can I keep him?”

“If you can catch him!” Espa Roba laughed as his brothers and Bandit Keith charged into the haunted house. He would have charged in, too, if he didn’t notice Mako hesitating. “Mako? What’s wrong?”

“It reminds me a lot of when my father… you know.” Mako couldn’t finish the sentence. “It reminds me a lot of a stormy ocean.”

“Honey, I thought you were trying to conquer your fears?”

Mako wasn’t sure what to think of being called “honey” by someone he hardly knew, but it gave him the courage he needed to enter the haunted house. “You’re right. Okay, no more being afraid!”

“See? Nothing too bad yet.” Espa laughed as his fellow high schoolers fled at the sight of the usual fake ghosts and mummies that popped out of the ground like moles.

“Keyword, yet.” Mako grew increasingly nervous as the fog machines cleared, revealing small crabs and non-venomous spiders crawling all over the place. “Oh! There are your brothers! And, uh… Remind me why Bandit Keith joined us on this trip again?”

“Beats me.”

“Big Brother, look!” The second Roba brother ran up to Espa and proudly showed him Rex. “I caught the bunny!”

“Good job, little brother.” Espa ruffled his younger brother’s hair. “You have a name for him?”

“My name is Rex,” answered Rex, prompting the second Roba brother to drop him.

“Wh-What? Rex? As in… Rex Raptor, the guy I absolutely creamed at Battle City?”

“You better believe it. And you better believe the guy behind me is real as hell.”

“Wh-What guy?” Espa spoke as his brothers all hid behind him.

Bandit Keith noticed Weevil’s spider form before anyone else did. “Yaaaaaah! It’s a big-ass spider! Fuck this, I quit!”

“Good, we don’t need that foul language in the presence of-” Mako could now see Earthbound God Uru, who stood at the very end of the haunted house.

“Waaaaaah!” All of the Roba brothers fled in fear, and soon, Espa followed.

“W-Wait for me!” And with that, Mako was also gone.

“Hahahahahaha!” Rex laughed as he turned back into a human. “Did you see the looks on their faces, Weevil?”

“I certainly did, Rex!” Weevil reverted forms as well. “Man, being a shapeshifter and using our powers to cause mischief kicks ass!”

“Does it now?” spoke a voice from in front of the couple.

“Wh-Whoa!”

Rex and Weevil promptly returned to their animal forms, but Yugi wouldn’t be fooled. “Rex, Weevil, you’re not fooling anyone. Are you up to no good again? After all that we went through?”

“W-Well…” Rex’s ears drooped.

“Yug, give ‘em a break. It is Halloween, after all.”

“You did a decent job with this haunted house,” Téa remarked. “Your zombies even looked like Anubis’ zombies.”

“Thanks, I guess…?” Weevil turned into his half-shifted form, as did Rex.

“See you around, guys.” Tristan waved as the rest of the Dweeb Patrol left with him.

Before Mokuba could leave too, Rex pulled on his business blazer. “Hey. It’s Halloween, and you didn’t even dress up?”

“Sorry, but I just got off of a KaibaCorp meeting. We just hired a new ‘Big Five.’ In fact, said meeting ended only about 45 minutes ago.”

“Sounds… fun.”

“Yeah, being the president of KaibaCorp sounds like a lot of fun,” Weevil added.

“Anyway, if you’re done, then I need to go back home to rest.”

“But I’m not done. You see, we’ve been stealing people’s cards again.” Rex stuttered when Mokuba gave him a dirty look. “W-Wait, I wasn’t finished! Weevil and I have been going around, tracking notoriously evil duelists down. While Weevil distracts them by turning into a big-ass spider, I sneak into their decks and steal their strongest cards. In fact, funny I should mention that. Bandit Keith, Mako Tsunami, and the Roba brothers were here not long ago. I stole Keith’s Barrel Dragon and snuck it into Espa’s pocket when he wasn’t looking. I gave Mako the Metalmorph card. It’s payback for what Joey did to them at Battle City, and for what Bandit Keith did to Joey.”

“So you get payback for Joey and then give him payback.” Weevil rolled his eyes. “Makes a lot of sense to me, dino brain.”

“‘Evil duelists,’ huh? Sounds like you would know a lot about that.”

“Yes, we do,” spoke Weevil. “Which is why you need us as Duel Monsters vigilantes. You may not know this, but there are still plenty of evildoers out there mugging cards off of duelists, whether they’re just starting out or they’re veteran players. Then you’ve got guys like Bandit Keith that simply love to make other duelists’ lives a living hell. We’re just making up for what we have done in the past, that’s all.”

“You’re right. Um… Thanks, you guys.”

“Anything for my best friend’s brother! Now, off to bed with you, Mr. President.”

“Seto…” Mokuba thought of his elder brother on his entire walk back to KaibaCorp. “I wonder… How is your new life with the pharaoh going?”

“Mr. President! There’s a meeting tomorrow afternoon and we need to-” Roland tried to speak to Mokuba as he started up the first flight of stairs, which led to Mokuba’s bedroom.

The new middle schooler would have none of it. “Roland, it’s going to have to wait until the morning. Plus, there’s a bunch of new information I learned today, and it would take forever if we discussed it now.”

“O-Okay, then…” Roland sheepishly turned away. “Good night.”

“Good night… to you too.”

Mokuba didn’t bother to take off his business suit, and simply catapulted himself onto the bed as he was. It would have been a waste of time anyway, for not ten minutes into his rest, a voice tried to awaken him.

“Mokuba…”

“No, mom, five more minutes…”

“You mean, ‘No, brother-in-law, five more minutes,” corrected a different voice.

Mokuba sprung wide awake at those words. Then, as if by magic, he was greeted by the heartfelt smiles of his small but loving family.

~In the White Light~

~FIN~

Author’s note: And that's a wrap! Thank you to all who were nice enough to give this fic a try.

I will now likely be drawing a bunch of scenes from this fic. Not the least of which is the Shrimpshipping scene from Chapter 21. 

Thanks again, all!

[dwollsadventures]

What I've learned from researching a bunch of stuff on Wikipedia about dragons: European people have way too much time on their hands. 

Peluda/ La Velue - A semi-aquatic French guy that spits venom like a cobra. Sort of imagined the hair and spines as a shell, going with the columnular legs, with the head popping out occasionally to eat or menace humble baguette farmers. Bolla/ Kuçedra - Albanian demons in the shape of dragons. It sleeps all year long except Saint George's Day (April 23rd) when it opens its eyes, eats a fool, and goes right back to sleep. Must have a slow metabolism. At the age of twelve it grows larger wings, nine different tongues, and firebreathing. Sometimes, instead of getting all that, it'll turn into a hairy serpent with the face and breasts of a woman. Salamander - A small lizard often mistaken for baby dwags. Long - The chinese symbol of power and water-based natural disasters. They start their incredibly long lives as almost worm sized and defenseless. As they grow older, they become larger, but not any more intelligent. After a few thousand years in the water they enter adulthood as semi-aquatic piscivores, padding silently on beaches. If they have a 尺木 or chimu, they're able to fly in the air. A select few longs are able to become almost godlike beings, capable of speech, creating miracles and disasters, changing their shape, and shagging old men. Of the longs, there are two varieties: the more common camel headed, herbivorous variety, and the carnivorous crocodile headed. These days, many wealthy chinese businessmen keep youngsters in ponds like ornamental koi as good luck. Their relatives are the python-like Korean imugis, the many-headed Indian nagas, and the seahorse-like Japanese tatsu. Zmey - Semi-aquatic, fire breathing serpents. Starting out as small, blind olms, as they grow up they develop eyes, a larger range or prey, and possibly a few other heads. Lindworm - Truck sized snakes descended from jotnar in the shape of snakes, like Jormungandr and Nidhoggr. Those from Nidhoggr's descent are enormous, dwelling in the ground, chewing the roots of Yggdrasil. Those from Jormungandr's descent are aquatic with vestigial limbs, breathing through axolotl-like gills often mistaken for manes. The others are descended from various other jotnar, being venomous or fire breathing, hoarding shiny stuff, and crawling around on any number of limbs, provided the number is four or two. Fafnir - A species of lindworm descended from a cursed dwarf. Huge and greedy, they share an almost genetic love for precious metals and gemstones, going to any lengths to get them. After a fafnir has gotten their goods, they spend the rest of their life sitting on it. Anyone wanting to steal the good however, will meet a fate all too familiar to that of a krill's. Lernean Hydra - Underneath the ground they've a body like a leeches, which they stick under the ground, letting the smaller heads pick up any crabs or snails that wander too close. The large golden head is considered the "true" head, containing the most developed brain and a pair of venom glands similar to the peluda's. Tarasque - An ox sized French dwag, probably the result of an open bar at a family reunion. For the most part they keep to themselves, living off rivers like enshelled sea lions. St. Michael's - Just like before, but smaller with a bigger emphasis on the "eyes". Vibria - In an effort to not draw three dwags with breasts, I copped out and gave them a grouse chest. Ajatar - A Finnish spirit which sits in the deepest forests, suckling snakes from her udder.