#like I won't kms
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i was so caught up in the euphoria of the third dan and phil tour that for like a minute i lived in a world where i would be able to go there
#dan and phil#phan#dnp#dnp tour#dan and phil tour#mine#like i WILL kms if i won't be able to go. if you even care
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*sighs and whispers* mommy kink w/ satoru is heavy on the brain this morning
#rambles.#tho when is it not if i'm being totally honest#i think about it soooo much. kms#is it like ooc fanon of me? yea fucking probably#but there's just something about it that won't leave me alone so i simply have to live my truth at this point#most of the time he's getting put in his place but he also knows that he's probably gonna get spoiled afterwards 😒#i'm ripping my face off#cw mommy kink
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New Year's Resolution:
1. Get skinny
2. Die
#su1c1dal#vent post#i want to kms#sewer slide#suicudal#su1cide#ventcore#su1c1d4l#su1c1d3#That way I won't look like a deflated hippo in my coffin#su!cidal#su!cide#tw sui vent#tw selfhate#tw kms#tw sucidal ideation
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visited my old children at high school and one of them started playing the fucking try again playlist hello can you be normal please
#they were playing music while working and i come in#and it's blue light by mazzy star and i'm like “oh i love this song!!”#and they go “yeah that's because it's your playlist”#HELLO???#yes this was the same kid i was complaining about being weird two weeks ago as well#😃😃😃#and like that playlist is SAD BRO SO HE WAS LIKE “OKAY WELL THEN WHAT PLAYLIST DO I PLAY”#ME: “NONE??????”#apparently he did it bc the other kids were dissing his music taste and he was like “well they won't get mad if it's ur music”#I WILL KMS#so he started playing the tonics playlist instead#goodbye i am dead#silly hours
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The consequences of my poor financial decisions are here!!
#blame Kat for this lmao. she got the Yangchen novels first and I very easily give in to peer pressure (that wasn't exerted. but whatever)#three days earlier than scheduled too. which worked out perfectly bc I picked them up on the way home from grandma's#and carried them for 2 km. 2 hardcover books + the thick cardboard boxset they're in#+ the backpack full of food my grandma gave me#in the rain#I nearly fucking died#I'm not made for this level of physical exercise 😅#okay moving on#nia stop calling things like this poor financial decisions challenge#it cost like. the equivalent of 40 bucks#I have 30 times as much hidden away in my sock drawer#and I am usually responsible with my spending. I'm allowed a slightly more expensive treat every once in a while#also my dad doesn't know but I'm sure if I would him 'hey I spent 3.8k on a pair of books is that okay'#he'd be like 'why tf are you asking when have I ever said no to you spending money'#but again. I do try to be mindful#which is why as much as I want the lok art books and could probably ask for money for them. I won't#bc they cost an arm and a leg and I cannot morally allow myself to spend that kind of money#anyway. getting distracted again#do you know how hard it was to get these? I checked like 3 marketplaces before I did#and I was fully ready to get them in russian because non-classical english books are impossible to come by here#sanctions and all that. but somehow I did. and it only cost half the money in my bank account#I don't even know if Russian editions exist. these books were written before the war and before the gay propaganda ban but still#I didn't find them when I looked. maybe they don't sell them now that the law is in place or smth#I don't really care enough to look it up#the point is. I now own the books and can happily read about best girl kyoshi whenever I want#if the stress for an upcoming event doesn't kill me. that is#also I have read rok before but it was 3 years ago so my memory is vague. and I just realised how much thinner sok is?#I'll have to check the page count later
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TW: suicidal thoughts
You're ugly
You're worthless
You're dumb
You're lazy
You're just a burden
You have no future
The world will be a better place without you
You'll die alone
Everybody will finally be happy if you will kill yourself
Kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill
#i won't actually kms i just want to#don't kys either#there are no okay ways to do it anyway#only euthanasia but it costs like thousands#anyway go to therapy
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University ever pushes you so low you have to go buy a couple of beers? /srs/neg
I'm gonna vent in the tags for a moment humor me for once /gen
#No but I'm serious this place is a nightmare /neg#Venting in the tags#humor me for a second. you go to this uni and they promise you a place that will teach you how to become an artist#on both like. morality and skill level. they feed you with bullshit for MONTHS. “oh mistakes are fine! they make you grow!”#or “oh this is a community we work all together there are no discriminations this is a safe place to learn and improve”#and we like. work on this projects - THAT WE ARE NOT PAID TO WORK FOR SO *WE* GET TO PAY FOR ALL THE MATERIALS AND SHIT FOR THEM.#to like “help the community” or whatevrr because “artists are born to inspire others and bring joy” and blah blah blah. BUT. LIKE. THE THING#THE THING IS. NONE OF THESE PROJECTS WILL END UP ON OUR CURRICULUMS. WHAT WE WORK 6-7 YEARS FOR ARE NOT SEEN AS REAL EXPERIENCES.#AS IF WE'VE DONE LITERALLY NOTHING FOR 6-7 YEARS. AND LIKE. THE PROFESSORS ARE SO RACIST AND DISCRIMINATORY AS WELL.#If they don't like you they WON'T EVEN GIVE YOU THE EXAM. BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY TO DEMONSTRATE IF YOU WORKED OR NOT. IT'S UP TO THEM.#THEY DECIDE EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE AS IF WE ARE SOME SORT OF FUCKING COMMUNIST KINDA BULLSHIT WORKERS.#Someone fucks up? *WE* FUCK UP AND EVERYONE PAYS. Someone succeeds? *WE* SUCCEED AND EVERYONE GETS THE CREDITS.#THIS IS ALSO WHY NONE OF THE WORKS WE DO END UP IN OUT CURRICULUM BECAUSE ITS MADE SO THAT *THE UNIVERSITY COURSE* DID IT AND NOT *US*.#IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT AND I CAN'T EVEN GET OUT OF THERE BECAUSE IF I DO MY PARENTS WILL KICK ME OUT CUZ THEY DON'T WANT ME TO BE AN ARTIST#So I'm trying to STUDY for the exams and the “professors” are getting mad at me that I'm not staying 10 HOURS IN THAT MOTHERFUCKING ART LAB.#WORKING AT THEIR NONSENSE PROJECTS THAT WILL NOT END UP IN MY CURRICULUM.#“Oh if you're not willing to put all your efforts for the course this is not the place for you” BITCH I *AM* PUTTING ALL MY EFFORTS!#THIS EXAM IS *LITERALLY* PART OF THE COURSE!! WHAT KIND OF FUCKING BULLSHIT ARGUMENT IS THAT!!!!!#Istg I'm gonna cry I want to kms /NOT SERIOUS#I'm gonna cook dinner. chug my lemon beer. and try to study like a normal person and beg this shit will end soon#Don't worry I'm not going to become an alcoholic I just need something. anything and I'm ABSOLUTELY not gonna start smoking I hate it /srs#tw alchohol mention#alcohol mention#tw smoking mention#smoking mention#vent#tw vent#// mike speaks
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despise how hard very menial tasks are for me. like my dad asked me what my plans are for today are and i just went "mm shower" 😐😐😐😐😐😐BROTHERRRR THAT'S NOT– THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A LITTLE THING WDYM THAT'S YOUR GOAL OF THE DAYYYYY😐😐😐😐😐😐
#my brother takes TWO showers almost every day and i won't even lie the mere thought of that i making me wanna kms#like how is it so easy for you.......#if i wanna take a shower today i had to know that Yesterday.#sighhh#😅😅😅if a shower is hard for me😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅what abt every thing else in lifee broo😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅isn't that so funny😅😅😅😅😅#mayor of loserville
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screaming crying throwing up
#my Spotify hasn't been working for days and I've just about had it#I've been patient and I've done literally everything possible to restore it but it!!!! won't!!!!!!#and it doesn't seem like it will any time soon!!!!!!!!±!#kms#plus I can't get my fucking google spreadsheets to work teehee#going to blow shit up#I need these graphs to work and they won't and ive tried everything and I hate everything#and there is so so so much fucking work to do all the time#all the time!!!!!!!#I cannot work under these conditions#kms x2#blue screams into the void
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yayyy my sister's work has started stocking the irn-bru energy drinks
#they're not even nice idk why i like them#but i'd rather kms than get IDed at the supermarket so i won't buy energy drinks myself
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"i would never detransition just to make people like me" okay you obviously haven't been bullied very much
#how it feels 2 have a group of people who hate you and think you're ugly and hideous and tell you so. to your face#i gave up idk. im wearing makeup and i know my trans friends hate me for not trying to be a man#but my dad doesn't take jabs at my appearance every change he gets!#im gonna fuckjng kms#im like one of those ppl that gets bullied into suicide#if someone told me to kms id just do it thats how bulliable i am#“ur fat and ugly” okay shoot me in the head idk#i know im supposed to be okay with being fat and everything because of body positivity but i really just hate myself so much#and more than that i hate people#i hate how they look at me and how they think they're better than me#and i just want it. to stop.#so that's why im doing this i guess#i still use the same name i still really really don't want to be a girl but i know that like. being a guy won't work for me#im too pudgy. i don't have the hair or face for a short cut#i can look like a girl and still wanna be a guy! but really i don't wanna be a guy i just want a guy's name and male pronouns#and to generally act like a guy also.#but i understand that it's not the same and i feel selfish for it#idk im just feeling rn#ive been feeling for a while#vent post#vent
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it's so frustrating how so many of my problems could be solved fairly easily with money, in many cases not even very much money, and i just can't make that shit happen like a normal person and any actions i might take to try to make myself marginally more employable all also cost money that i don't have. kind of like that book you read in high school about some gay guy who hates flying planes in wwii.
#i can't get disability or figure something else out in the next year or so i should probably just start alienating everyone close to me#that way i'll feel like i'm allowed to kms#i won't tho i never do what i ought to do
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It's like I can't function without being addicted to something and since I quit everything months ago I've turned to binge eating again which is triggering my restrictive urges as well in the days following a binge so I'm wondering if I need to pick nicotine back up again so I can do that instead as maybe it's less damaging in the long run? Or maybe I can start chewing 2 packs a day of gum like my grandpa did for like 20 years
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ok i told the scary lady i would get back to her by wednesday and i have the interview with a place that might be better tomorrow morning. everyone cross your fingers and hope it's the best workplace on earth and they want to hire me instantly and hopefully for more than minimum wage🤞🏻
#i would take not the best workplace on earth also but i would really prefer not to take the makes me want to kms workplace#now i'm wondering if i should have said the end of next week instead of wednesday but i was nervous cause she had offered for me to start#this monday. fortunately she was very understanding but now i have to rush this other place#who apparently turned out to have some barn help job too which i would probably like to do if i can...but i suspect i won't be able to get#to wherever his place is without a car#i also just saw a decently cute place for a reasonable amount of rent in that town which would be soooo perfect also#idk if i will be able to get approved for anything though with no credit history and no recent income history....i think my brother will#help me with initial move in costs but if they want x months of income history well i need to be out in like 3 weeks lol#🥴 anyway there's that and then i have to go get a pelvic ultrasound which i am kind of worried about but its a hysterectomy prerequisite#and of course i just got my period despite the pill 🙃 but looking it up i think that's ok? idk i've had one before but it was only external#and this one is internal which i hate but i don't really have a choice.... the only thing i'm worried about is getting assigned a male tech#but maybe that's not standard practice? idk#🧍🏻 i have to take a sedative now#me
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ugh I'm on my period. someone please shoot me in the head
#Also I'm experiencing a major NPD crash#Started last night#Dying send help#And Macabre is sick#I'm really worried#If he dies I'm gonna kill myself#I'm already teetering on the edge of life and death#Tw: last night I literally shoved a knife down my throat#i'm at my limit#I need my snail to be okay#Because without him all my other problems are going to consume me and I love him so much and I don't want him to die and I'm so scared#And worried and nervous and my OCD is causing problems and everything is fucked. I feel like a terrible snail mom and I love him and his#Brother Morgue so much. I'm gonna kms#I'm dying#Also if anybody has to unfollow me or wants to for their mental health that's totally fine#I won't be offended#I'm just really really struggling right now and I have absolutely no one#So I have to vent here#But please save your mental health
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tfw when you get a rush of inspiration and the scattered pieces in your head connect >>>>
#this happened to me with siphon. this happened to me with crash.#and now its happening again with tint and shade#JK THEYRE NOT CALLED THAT ANYMORE IM CHANGING THEIR ENTIRE LORE#i felt it was too similar to ink/siphon's lore....... the twins lore was the first i ever made so i didn't tske into consideration#the lore everyone else would have#i did an EENSY bit of research for this. all my inspiration for this was two goddamn theater masks#if i manage to finish them today or tomorrow or the day after that it would be great#then that would only leave me with crash and vice.SER to think about#and then i could get to work on the actual multiverse interactions#GOOOOOD who knew making an entire fucking multiverse with only 8 characters was gonna be this hard#it ok tho bc ive really been thinking about my character's lore and coming up with cool backstories.........#i rlly hope people like swapinverse i really hope people SEE swapinverse#id kms if nobody did because i really love these characters i made and i don't wanna keep them hostage for this long#insipiration and motivation comes in waves for me im sorry ☹️☹️☹️ if im not inspired i won't work on swapinverse#tricule rant#ok but its only been like 10 days of summer break and im already i think more than halfway done....??? hopefully????#maybe ill ACTUALLY finish swapinverse by the end of this summer break and then maybe be able to show it to people.........#would people be into my ocs. would they even like them. i mean like maybe#but tbfr idrk. i don't know if i wanna make an ask blog or make comics#i was thinking of doing a bunch of different mediums for this but idk#maybe i could make comics for the mst and write for siphon/crash and then make big pieces with tidbits of lore for the twins#STILL have no idea what the fuck im gonna do with vice.SER. i'll grt to him eventually
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